Patton Oswalt + Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Summary of "Patton Oswalt + Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics)" – The Adam Carolla Show

Release Date: April 20, 2025

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Introduction

Adam Carolla welcomes listeners to a special episode of Carolla Classics, featuring the comedian Patton Oswalt, along with recurring guests Alison Rosen and Bald Brian. This episode delves into humorous anecdotes, personal stories, and light-hearted banter among the hosts and their guest.

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The Case of the Missing TV Remote

One of the central themes of this episode revolves around the frustrating and comedic ordeal of a missing TV remote. Adam Carolla shares an all-too-relatable story about returning home after a long day promoting his book, only to find his wife frustrated over the remote's disappearance.

• Adam Carolla explains his hectic day: "I got up at 6:25 to do a big, long press run... then I hustled over here and did a podcast with Ray" ([02:00]).

• The situation escalates when upon returning, Adam discovers his wife, Lynette, searching desperately for the remote: "I spent an entire day promoting this book. It's not on iTunes" ([04:51]).

• The search intensifies with mounting frustration: "She's pissed because she's been looking for 25 minutes... lifting the mattress up and getting the flashlight" ([06:30]).

Patton Oswalt chimes in with humor: "Do you kids have a TV, let alone a remote sling box?" ([09:08]).

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla: "There’s no greater thrill than the one that speaks to you." ([01:12])

This segment highlights the universal experience of household misplacements, amplified by the comedic frustration of a weary adult coming home to domestic chaos.

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Reflections on Personal and Professional Life

Adam transitions into a more personal narrative, discussing his career challenges and the emotional toll of not seeing his book succeed as expected on platforms like iTunes.

• He recounts technical difficulties and personal frustrations: "As of that night after Loveline, it’s not on iTunes. I walked through the door... I'm pissed too" ([04:20]).

• Adam touches upon the lack of control over professional outcomes and the impersonal nature of corporate decisions: "They could have all got into a room and went, Carolla’s not exactly what you call talented" ([05:00]).

Alison Rosen provides insights into navigating professional setbacks, emphasizing the importance of resilience and forward movement.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla: "We have tons of technology, but we choose to be stupid in certain categories." ([40:53])

This discussion underscores the challenges of balancing personal ambition with external validations and the often disheartening nature of professional setbacks.

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Creative Segments: Made-Up Movies and TiVo Trivia

The episode features an inventive segment where the hosts collaboratively devise made-up movie plots, showcasing their creativity and comedic synergy.

• Patton Oswalt, Alison Rosen, and Bald Brian contribute to imaginative and humorous movie ideas, such as "Dead Air" – a murder mystery centered around a podcast host ([75:00]).

• They also engage in Totally Topical TiVo Trivia, attempting to guess movie titles based solely on vague descriptions. This segment is filled with inside jokes and playful teasing:

  • Patton struggles with identifying a made-up movie, leading to laughter and camaraderie ([117:58]).

  • Alison and Bald Brian encourage each other, fostering a lively and entertaining atmosphere ([120:00]).

Notable Quote:

Bald Brian: "All you have to do is watch them beat down all these things and flip out." ([07:05])

These creative segments add a dynamic and engaging layer to the episode, highlighting the hosts' ability to blend humor with spontaneity.

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Addressing Modern-Day Anxieties: Airport Security and Society's Shortcomings

Adam Carolla ventures into social commentary, expressing frustrations with modern airport security protocols and broader societal issues.

• He critiques the inefficiency and intrusiveness of airport screenings: "We have Predator drones... but we can’t even hear the sound of jet engines or the wind outside" ([58:37]).

• Patton Oswalt and Bald Brian join in, debating the balance between security and personal freedoms, and the seeming paradox of advanced technology in some areas while lacking in others.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla: "We are so scared shitless of being called xenophobes." ([60:24])

This segment reflects on the ironies of technological advancement juxtaposed with persistent inefficiencies and societal fears, resonating with listeners who share similar frustrations.

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Personal Stories and Interactive Moments

Towards the episode's conclusion, the hosts interact with listeners, sharing personal anecdotes and addressing questions from callers.

• Adam Carolla narrates a humorous interaction with a caller named Julio, discussing relationship dynamics and household responsibilities: "Did you eat Molly?" ([165:47]).

• Alison Rosen relates her experiences with privacy and public disruptions, emphasizing the challenges faced by public figures: "If you have your work computer, someone is going to show up and film me" ([102:23]).

Notable Quote:

Alison Rosen: "Most people out there are the nicest. They’re supportive, they’re great." ([84:36])

These moments of listener interaction humanize the hosts, fostering a sense of community and shared experience among the audience.

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Conclusion

In "Patton Oswalt + Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics)," Adam Carolla and his guests deliver a blend of humor, personal storytelling, and social commentary. Through relatable anecdotes and creative segments, they engage listeners in a conversation that is both entertaining and thought-provoking. The episode underscores the importance of resilience, the absurdities of everyday frustrations, and the value of maintaining humor amidst life's challenges.

Final Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla: "Never have all your eggs in one basket and you weren't over." ([54:28])

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This episode serves as a testament to the enduring appeal of The Adam Carolla Show, where candid conversations and sharp wit create a compelling listening experience for millions worldwide.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Bald Brian]

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Bald Brian]

Like Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir.

[Allison Rosen]

Where a lone astronaut must save humanity from extinction. Narrated with stunning intensity by Ray Porter. From electrifying suspense and daring quests to spoil spine tingling horror and romance and.

[Bald Brian]

Far off realms, unleash your adventure aside.

[Allison Rosen]

With gripping titles that'll keep you guessing. Discover exclusive Audible originals, hotly anticipated new releases and must listen bestsellers that hook.

[Bald Brian]

You from the first minute. Because Audible knows there's no greater thrill.

[Allison Rosen]

Than the one that speaks to you.

[Bald Brian]

Discover what lies beyond the edge of your seat. Start your free 30 day trial at audible.com wondery us.

[Allison Rosen]

That's audible.com wonderyus.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to Coral Classics. I'm real superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights and fan selected clips from all 16 years of the Adam Kroll Show. We have a separate podcast feed titled Kroll Classics available through Podcast one Premium. You can also find ad free archives for the Adam Carolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show and exclusive access to Adam's brand new podcast, Beat it out through Adam Carolla's substack adamcrolo.substack.com, make sure to sign up. If you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcarolla.com alright, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Crollo Show 738, just the Ace Men, Allison and Brian, a little made up movie from 2011. Check it out. Good day. Bald Brian. You know what? I'd like to look like a male nurse. Yeah. What's happening? Allison Rosen.

[Bald Brian]

Hello.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Oi boy. So the E book Rich Man, Poor man back up on itunes and currently in the top five. I think it's number four right now. So working its way back up the charts. There you go, number four. Thank you all for supporting the book. Number four. We hope you enjoy it. Oh boy. I'll give you one of these relationships. Relationship argument things ahead. Yes. So you guys tell me if you can relate. I think you'll be able to relate to both sides of this story for a change. Here was my day yesterday. I Had to write it down. I got up at 6:25 to do a big, long press run, and I did about two hours of just rolling calls and doing everyone else's shows and all kinds of stuff like that. Then I hustled over here and I did a podcast. We did Ace on the House, me and Ray. If you guys haven't checked it out, it's me and Ray. It's good times. Then I went over to meet the guys over at Fox to do the Burcham cartoon, Bible, animatic color, whatever it is. Look at that note session. Then it was off to Calabasas, which is not in town here, to go do Glenn Beck. And it was one of those things where it's a satellite thing, and they tell you to come sit in the seat, and then you sit in the seat an hour before you need to sit in the seat. And then they told me at the last minute, satellites down, we got a problem. Take the mic and the earpiece off, go in another room, call them up. We're just going to make it a phoner. Sitting there on the phone. Satellite's back up. Put the phone down, go back to the thing, put the mic back on, do the Glenn Beck thing. That's in Calabasas.

[Bald Brian]

Come back where the Kardashians have their boutique Dash.

[Adam Carolla]

Do not worry. Mike pointed that out to me as we were driving past it. Then came back here and did the podcast, last night's podcast, and then, great.

[Bald Brian]

Podcast, I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

And then straight from here at the podcast, over to Culver City to do.

[Bald Brian]

Loveline, which for those who don't know, is a cross.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, far from more than my parents drove their entire lifetime was done by me yesterday, by going to Calabasas and going to Culver City and so on. Anderson. All right, I come through and I'm pissed because I've done entire day of press, and the book is not available on itunes.

[Bald Brian]

And it's the book which is only available.

[Adam Carolla]

It's pretty much only Amazon, itunes. I did an entire day of driving, an entire day of press, and as of that night after Loveline, it's not on itunes, cannot be found anywhere. And people are asking those questions that are making you mad. Like I'm complaining to Lynette about it. It's of itunes, so you can't order it. No, it's not there. You can't even pre order it at all. No, it's not there. It's not. It doesn't exist. So if I went there and looked, it's not There I spent entire day promoting this book. It's not on itunes. I walked through the door. I walked through the door at 11:30 last night. I head upstairs, and Lynette's pissed off. She's in a mood, and she's in that thing of. That you have when you're on minute 20. Somewhere between minute 20 and minute 31 of looking for something, in this case, the TV remote. Where is the TV remote? So I come walking into the middle of the exacerbation. But I've been up since 6:20 that morning and driving all over fucking town. And I'm pissed, too, because I got nothing on itunes. And I say, well, now, the maid came that day. So I said, well, you know, it's probably wherever Delia put it down last. And she says, no shit. Because she's pissed, right? She's pissed because she's been looking for 25 minutes and, you know, lifting the mattress up and getting the flashlight and going underneath the bed. You know, whenever the flashlight comes out, you're getting down on your hands and knees. She's pissed.

[Bald Brian]

But I'm like, state of emergency at that point.

[Adam Carolla]

Sweetheart. I've been going at it for about 14 hours. I don't need the super snarky. No shit. When I come walking into the bedroom.

[Bald Brian]

I'll be one upper, like I said before.

[Adam Carolla]

And she's like, well, I'm looking for. You know, I'm pissed, you know, And I'm like, all right, I feel you. But, you know, you don't need to send it back toward me. I've had a long day. And then she did the. Did you do anything with the remote? And it's always like, yeah, I took. I put it on fishing string and I tied a knot, and I swung it over my head and threw it over the highest oak tree I could find.

[Bald Brian]

I hope you at least left it on a shitty channel before you did that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, what I did is I took the fender of my Lexus and I hollowed it out. Then I welded it in between coffee grounds so dogs couldn't sniff it in case you found it. No, I didn't. Yes.

[Bald Brian]

If I didn't have it and swallow.

[Adam Carolla]

It, if I could produce it, I would, but I didn't. And then she did the thing that we always get into, which now. Now this is the douche on douche crime here, where she goes, have you seen the remote? And I go, no, I don't. I don't know where it is. And somewhere about five minutes later, I get the. Are you sure you didn't do anything with the remote? Which case, I always go, that's a completely unnecessary part of life. There's a zero percent chance that I'm gonna go to people, you know, wait a minute. That remote, hold on. And in which case I always get the. All right, you don't have to be a dick about it. And I'm like, all right, but you don't have to do the. This part of, you know. Did you feed Molly? Yes, I did. So you fed. Like I don't need to do the second lap if I say no or I say yes or, you know, it's like, you know when you pick up the phone and someone goes, is Tim there? And you go, no. Do you know where he is? No, I don't. Not at all. You know, it's like, yeah, kind of know where he is. But I don't feel like sharing that with you. Like just, no. No. I said no. And Lynette always gets pissed because she does the second lap because she's just frustrated. She wants to find this thing and I dig it. But I said no. And I like the life where we're moving on. Now this rock has been turned over.

[Bald Brian]

It's your final answer.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't need to re flip this Johnny Cake. It's done. It's my final answer. So she's pissed off. Now I'm pissed off too, because I've had my 14 hour day and I'm getting yelled at when I'm walking through the door over doing nothing. And then she goes quietly into the kids room. Cause they have sort of the same. They have the same remote. That's desperation time.

[Patton Oswalt]

Do you kids have a tv, let alone a remote sling box?

[Adam Carolla]

Don't even.

[Patton Oswalt]

Holy crap.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't even. I can't even begin.

[Patton Oswalt]

So I don't have a TV in my room.

[Adam Carolla]

We go and get their remote.

[Bald Brian]

They know shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Go and get their remote. And she's trying their remote, but it's not working, which is just exacerbating things. And it's like, where the fuck is the remote? Because it gets set just on top of the bed or on top there's sort of a headboard, sort of a padded headboard that's got a ledge on it. She just sets it up there every night. And so. Well, maybe when the kids and me were wrestling, it fell behind the headboard. So you start getting the flashlight and start prying things off and down on the knees. And it's that thing where you go, where could this thing be? And she calls me a dick for saying, don't ever get rich. But this is reason 1357, why should never get rich? People you pay will come in your house and fuck with you. They will fuck your shit up royally. They will. When I found my fucking baseball mitt tucked into the lower shelf of the Diaper Genie, that's when I realized, like, the Diaper Genie sort of sat by the back door.

[Patton Oswalt]

Maybe it was a critique of your fielding. You're a shitty outfielder.

[Adam Carolla]

She doesn't know. She doesn't know. I like the ball. Play me about angles. It's like the changing table. And underneath. Underneath, like a curtain, is a bunch of fucking diapers and shit. And it's by the back door in front of the workout room. And I must have set my baseball mitt on top of the changing table just to remind me to bring it into the workout room and throw it into the shit with all the baseball bats and all the equipment and all the stuff that the maid knows very well. She knows there's a cabinet that's filled with bass softballs and shit like that, but takes it and slides it underneath the thing, and I'm going nuts. Like, where is this mitt? Like, where could the mitt be? It's not like your wallet or your keys. It's like it's in the bag. Why wouldn't it be in the. Somehow, anyway? They will destroy your lives. They will come into your house, they will destroy your lives, and people will go, the. Give them a. There's a language. They're not as smart as. But there's no language to, you know, putting the salt with the salt and the pepper with the pepper. There is no. When I have a drawer that's filled with plastic potato chip clips and another one that's a monument to my alcoholism, which is all full of corkscrews and caps and twists and things that slide in and make. You can pour shot out of it right next to it. And you see the corkscrew sitting on the countertop right over the drawer that it goes into. You don't need to move it into the stuff of the day. Glo plastic for the chips.

[Bald Brian]

No, I think it's just cutting corners and trying to shove shit in drawers.

[Adam Carolla]

It is, except for it's literally sitting closer to the drawer that it. That it has all its buddies in going, we miss you, and perhaps trying.

[Bald Brian]

To fuck with rich man Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? So I'm saying, look, when you have kids, all bets are off because they grab stuff and they run around. And now they're asleep and we can't interrogate. Normally I would waterboard the girl.

[Bald Brian]

It's time to do it. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Sweater with some info, walk in the next room, fire my gun into the ceiling, and go, well, there goes your brother. Now you want to meet the same fate, sweetie?

[Bald Brian]

Now you finally get all the attention you wanted.

[Adam Carolla]

Singing canary. Elvis had a twin, too. He's gone. They're both gone. You want to end up like the Elvis's the Elvi. Yes. So, can't find it. She's doing the. I've had the world's longest day and I just want to watch 20 minutes of Nancy Grace before I go to bed, you know? And like, I don't know. And we're arguing because she's like, why are you being an ass about it? I'm like, because you're yelling at me after my 13 hour day of promoting my book that's not up on itunes. And I just walked into the house and you started yelling at me. And I don't. I know you're pissed off, but save the vitriol for the people that hid the remote, not the guy who pays the cable bill. So we're just standing there and I said, look, it's obviously the maid came today. Obviously she made up the bed. Obviously the thing was just sitting on top where it always sits. And it obviously got knocked off and knocked behind the mattress or behind the headboard. You already got on your knees and you got the flashlight. You check behind. Now, what if it just wedged between the wall and the headboard? Maybe it didn't get to the floor. No, no. Pulled it back, checked it in there. And you checked on the floor. Checked on the floor and you lifted the mattress. It's not between the mattress and the headboard? No, it's not there. Lifting the mattress, whatnot. Finally strip the bed, start to lift the mattress again, and notice a lump of porn. That's what I call my crotch.

[Patton Oswalt]

And he dove on it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I named my car.

[Patton Oswalt]

Definitely not here.

[Bald Brian]

You love him.

[Adam Carolla]

Notice under. Under. Under the fitted sheet. Under the fitted sheet. Like a Bugs Bunny cartoon when he's mulling, you know, through something. You see the. You see the corn popping up. He's heading to Albuquerque. Sometimes Kalamazoo somehow fitted the sheet and pulled the sheet over the TV remote, which had then sort of slid down the side and was now just being trapped there like you'd put a knife into your boot or something. Like. It was. It was. It was. Here's where it was, it was on the end of the mattress. It wasn't horizontal, it was vertical. It was on the side of the mattress, trapped by the fitted sheet and in it. Now, none of us. Again, you have to be Hannibal Lecter to come up to this stuff. Like I needed to visit Hannibal Lecter in a cell to try to figure out where an imbecile would put a remote control. Because I can't think that way. I think in a very standard way. It's like that scene was like that scene in Glorious Basterds where he was. Christoph Waltz was explaining that he thinks like a Jew.

[Patton Oswalt]

He knows how the Jew thinks.

[Adam Carolla]

He knows how the Jew thinks. He thinks like a rat. And that's what you have to think. I can't see. To me, it's. Well, the kids got it and did something with it. Or it's under the bed or somehow it got thrown downstairs. Or most likely you had it in your hand when the phone rang and you walked down to the kitchen and set it down and it got put in a drawer. But I couldn't think of the diabolical mastermind, the fucking insane, the criminally insane person that would take a full size remote and get it underneath the fitted sheet when making the bed. Yeah, that seems almost physically impossible to do.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I know. It seems like it would fall out.

[Patton Oswalt]

To freedom on the side, on the side of the bed.

[Bald Brian]

It's like it was trying to break.

[Adam Carolla]

Free to be fair to her and to be fair to everyone who's just fucking brain dead. Just is it. Here's what I'm saying. I understand. Stupid. Stupid is you going, you know, the Pythagorean theorem. And they go, huh? Or you going, hey, man, did you enjoy that movie Pretzy's Honor? And them going, what? Or Shawshank Redemption and huh? Or you know, I understand, like I didn't go to college, but at a certain point you become more reptile than human being. Like there's a certain cutoff point where you have to just understand basic things in life. Right?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Taking a remote and putting it under the fitted sheet. Now, to be fair, it was probably on the very edge. And as everything got jostled back and forth, it probably rolled, probably slid down. Get this.

[Allison Rosen]

Adults with financial literacy skills have 82% more wealth than those who don't.

[Adam Carolla]

From swimming lessons to piano lessons.

[Allison Rosen]

Us parents invest in so many things.

[Adam Carolla]

To enrich our kids lives.

[Allison Rosen]

But are we investing in their future financial success? With Greenlight, you can teach your kids financial literacy skills. Like Earning, saving and investing and this.

[Adam Carolla]

Investment costs less than that.

[Allison Rosen]

After school treat start prioritizing their financial.

[Adam Carolla]

Education and future today with a risk.

[Allison Rosen]

Free [e-mail] wondery greenlight.com wondery greenlight dot.

[Adam Carolla]

Com wondery down and went from practically impossible to find to fucking impossible to find when it. Because as the mattress was raised, it was clung to it as the bed headboard was. It never, it just, it was literally right in the center of the mattress on the vertical part against the headboard inside of the fitted sheet.

[Bald Brian]

It's like you may as well just sew it inside a stuffed animal at that point.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Now I ask you, is that. At what point does that become fucking with people? And another point, when do I get to sue you and take away your 88 tercel? Like, like my wife are having a fucking, we're having a fistfight. 11:00 in the fucking bedroom because you took the, the, the fucking remote and put it under the fitted sheet. I don't know, I, I don't know how you, I don't know how you do it.

[Bald Brian]

Is it on the mattress when the fitted sheet goes on or is it, is it somehow inside the sheet and then they just, you just pull a sheet on anyway, even though there's resistance?

[Adam Carolla]

I, I need the nanny cam set up because I will fast forward the part where you're finger blasting my daughter to get to this part. Like, aha. That's where you put my ball cap over my keys. Aha. And I'm still going to those fucking keys. Fast forward through you raping my son and filming it. Putting it up on the Internet. Skimming money.

[Patton Oswalt]

Do you think Molly likes as well? It was a nice hat scrap.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Scrubbing the toilet. Scrubbing the toilet with my toothbrush. Taking my, my stash out of my drawer. Yeah. Take everything, show with Joe Rogan and laugh. That's right. You and Doug Stanhope, Joe Rogan all sitting, smoking a joint, laughing. I will fast forward through all of that shit and get to the part where you took the TV remote from the den and put it in the wrong drawer when it was just sitting on top of way the putting away of shit that is constantly out. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, like the TV remote sits just next to the TV set on the little end table. You think I'm going to come home and go, what is this doing here? Why is it not properly stowed? You know I only use this TV remote on a bi yearly basis. Yes. Instead I have to search for it Open all the drawers and.

[Bald Brian]

Well, so did you guys stop fighting after you found it, or was there still all this tension?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it was. There was mild tension mixed with. God damn. And then you get into that point where. What do you do? Like, couldn't you tell somebody, hey, sweetie, next time you're making the bed, don't take the remote and bury it in the mattress where no one will ever see it again. Like, what. Who. What is that conversation?

[Bald Brian]

Like, I'm sure it would involve. I didn't do that. I wouldn't do that.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I, you know, and my wife just said, look. I said, do you want to talk to her? But I feel like talking to her is like telling Molly, don't eat your pussy in front of company. Like, is it ever really. Is it ever really. Is it gonna work? I mean, Lynette was right. She said, look, either we fire her or we don't talk to her. There's no. You can't really correct this, but it's pretty endless. My last words to Matt was, tell Gary, who always worked for me, who has some sort of phobia of clean mats. You know, beat out the mat that goes to the work area back there and then replace it. And I found it out front. It's like, I've told this guy Gary I work with 2,000 times. Like, listen, take the mats when we're working construction. Go beat them out. Sweep it out. Because we're tracking dust and drywall, dust and sawdust and soot and shit. It's just getting tracked everywhere. So, you know, once a day, you just have to beat it out and sweep it off and make the path clean. And it. I've told that 1 million times, and I've been like, gary, I never want to bring this up again. Do you understand? I pay by the hour. I will never. I will. If I fucking see this again, I will fire it. It does not matter. It cannot happen. It will not happen. He took the one mat from the back and placed it in front. So there was now four mats in the front and zero mats walking into the work area. And you. But can you ever anticipate that? Can you say a little, or.

[Bald Brian]

I was.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Snake River Canyon size. I just mean this whole part where strangers were going to come into my house and fuck with me is something I never anticipated. I never thought about that part of life. I never thought I would be running around like a madman at age 47, screaming, where's my beanie? Where is it? I don't get it. I have an entry hole with 150 hats in it. Where. And then I would. And then I find it in like the thin cufflink drawer that's in the top of the dresser upstairs with a. With a battery and a four in one screwdriver. And it's like, why is the beanie in here? Why not the fucking closet that's dripping, that's lousy with beanies and beiges. Baseball hats. Why would you choose? I never now, never, ever, ever thought that would happen. All right. Anyway, it makes me appreciate the good ones that much more. And if I ever find a good one, I'll tell you.

[Bald Brian]

Good ones. The people that work for you that put things in the right place.

[Adam Carolla]

So nice. All right, let's see. We have the news. Durham, North Carolina, by the way. Carolina theater, that is. Well, if you're listening, that is tonight. That is tonight home of mini golf. Mm. Yeah. Yeah.

[Patton Oswalt]

Where mini golf comes from.

[Adam Carolla]

It's gonna be star studded because Clay Aiken said he wanted to come out and Beth Ringwald, sister of Molly Ringwald, evidently lives out there and wants to come out and get caught up. So a star studded affair. So. Well, a couple of tickets for that show. Boston House of Blues, sold out pretty much. That's what you call gone clean. Silver Springs, Maryland, at the Fillmore. Couple show. Two shows, couple tickets left for the early show and a few more for the late show, but Boston, kind of out of luck. Silver Springs, Maryland, act fast. All right, I'll tell you what. Why don't you get the news queued up between the fitted sheet and the mattress on the backside that face the headboard hanging down. Would there ever look there?

[Bald Brian]

No. If I was trying to hide the remote from robbers breaking in, I might think to put there, but I still wouldn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. All right, well, I'm gonna. I'm gonna sue my maid. Yeah. And I'm gonna use legal zoom. That's right, Legal zoom. That's my New Year's resolution.

[Allison Rosen]

Sue the hell.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. And I'll get on the phone with one of their attorneys and they'll be. I don't think the pockets are very. I don't care. I'm sending a message, then I'm an a hole. Yeah. You want to start? Thank you. You want to start that will that living trust? How about you want to start your own business? Legalzoom.com legalzoom. It takes you through the step by step process. It is simple, quick and easy. Total customer support, including attorney help if you need it. I have A little too much pride for that. But if you guys need attorney help.

[Bald Brian]

I'd make use of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, if you guys need some attorney help, LegalZoom is your answer. That is LegalZoom.com LegalZoom.

[Announcer]

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[Adam Carolla]

Alrighty. Should we do some news?

[Bald Brian]

Yes, let's do it with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison.

[Bald Brian]

Allison. A severed human head in a bag was found in Bronson Canyon.

[Adam Carolla]

My maid put it there beneath the Hollywood sign.

[Bald Brian]

What she looked like in the ear bag.

[Adam Carolla]

Leave it on the nightstand, I said. But now put it in a bag. Go down to Bronson Canyon.

[Bald Brian]

And why wasn't it with the body? So, yeah, two women were walking nine dogs. I did not make up that part. And a couple of the dogs are playing with something.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's just say lesbians.

[Bald Brian]

No, it was a mother and daughter. Lesbian first, I thought. Lesbian first. Yeah. And a couple of their dogs, golden retrievers, were playing with something. And then they got closer and to their horror, they discovered that what the dogs were playing with was the head. They didn't have a cell phone. They asked some other hikers to, you know, call 911 and.

[Adam Carolla]

Who doesn't have a cell phone these days?

[Bald Brian]

People with nine dogs.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, reception is horrible. But that's right by my house. I mean, that's right in the neighborhood.

[Bald Brian]

Well, keep your eyes peeled because the hands have now turned up separately and the feet have turned up. The rest of the body, who knows? And who knows in how many pieces it is? It's a man between the ages of 40 and 60. They don't. Salt and pepper hair, two eyes, blood. They don't know what ethnicity, but they think he might be Armenian. They don't know who it is yet. You know, they're looking through missing persons records.

[Adam Carolla]

I was thinking that if the husband of that chick at the Zanku Chicken, it wouldn't give me the 5050 shawarma play. That'd be A step.

[Bald Brian]

This has Adam Carolla written all over.

[Adam Carolla]

It, you know, step toward redemption. I wouldn't feel a hole yet again, but it'd be a step, Right?

[Bald Brian]

Okay. All right. I feel like you're implicating yourself anyway. Awful and creepy and like something out of television, but real.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it just me or there've been a lot of weird murders going on kind of in the neighborhood over the last like four days. Like the head in the canyon. There's that thing in like hands and feet, Calipas or something like that where they just asked some kid to come outside and he came out, some 19 year old and they just shot him. Some chick and some guy, like just murdered somebody out. And then there's the guys stabbing the hobos, you know, the ex Marine is like stabbing everyone. It's a lot of weird but random. I mean, it's not like, hey, you know, somebody was shot in a drive by. We're used to that. Weird, random murders going on. Like weird full moon kind of murder stuff going on ever since we started.

[Patton Oswalt]

Doing the show an hour earlier.

[Bald Brian]

They don't think that the man was killed in Bronson Canyon. They think that that's where the body parts were left or were hidden.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, I'm sure they'll solve this case if somebody calls up and tells them, here's who did it. Because that appears how all these things are solved. Yes, yes.

[Bald Brian]

What I want to know is, was the guy alive when the head was removed or was this a body part disposal situation?

[Adam Carolla]

I always would like to think the parts were removed after death.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, you would want to think.

[Adam Carolla]

That's just me. And I also, why not drop everything.

[Bald Brian]

Into a big vat of lie?

[Adam Carolla]

I also would like to, you know, that's the way. That's the way I think. I mean, you know, he was, well, trying to think because usually they don't kill you by cutting your head off. But it'll be refreshing to find out there's a bullet wound somewhere and then they cut the guy's head off. But anyway, all right, that will.

[Bald Brian]

Yes, I'll sleep better at night. And cadaver dogs are how they know.

[Adam Carolla]

What his ethnicity is because he had just enough breath in his lungs to.

[Bald Brian]

Say, no, I know it wasn't Glendale. I don't know. Yeah. And cadaver dogs are the ones are what found the hands and the feet. So that's like a fuck you to the nine other dogs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Civilian dogs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Hey, you go back to your down lined beds that your folks got from the sky mall. We got some work to do.

[Bald Brian]

You climb your doggy steps.

[Patton Oswalt]

You looked all over that canyon, couldn't find a thing. It's like it's all clean. Just the head, nothing else down there.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Patton Oswalt]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

How about this man paw I just found?

[Patton Oswalt]

Anyone. Anyone can find a man paw. Could be anyone's man paw.

[Bald Brian]

The notion of dogs that do the.

[Adam Carolla]

Arrogant sniff as also I wonder, because, you know, they have police dogs, then they have the cadaver dogs, then they have the drug sniffing dogs at the airport. And every good cop movie, there's always the feds that show up and they go, you're out of your jurisdiction, buddy. And then there's the local, sort of Jackie Gleason sheriff's like you. You yahoos would fuck up a wet dream.

[Patton Oswalt]

You're walking on my crime scene.

[Adam Carolla]

You're on your way. Your. Your ass is writing checks your balls can't cash. Like they're getting that whole, I wonder if there's a cadaver dog versus just.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, like do you think?

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, I always see the West Hollywood.

[Bald Brian]

I would piss all over this crime scene. Oh, no, actually I did.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I wonder if the West Hollywood canine units getting crap after going in the gay cruiser. Hey. Hey. Finding guys butt fucking in the bushes lately or what are you guys doing over there? Because we're fussing my crime over here.

[Patton Oswalt]

Part of our job.

[Adam Carolla]

I did three tours in Iraq. All right, buddy, what do you think of that?

[Patton Oswalt]

I sniffed out more bombs than you.

[Allison Rosen]

Can even think about.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Yeah. Sorry.

[Bald Brian]

Captain of the shipwrecked cruise liner Costa Concordia.

[Adam Carolla]

You head over to the Arizona California border and sniff for backyard fruit. All right. With your gay cousin. Jesus Christ, you make me sick. This muzzle wasn't on, I'd be eating the shit out of you.

[Bald Brian]

The captain.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, I'd be, you know, as a dog, I'd be like to the guy who was my partner, the canine guy. I'd be like that big, thick, heavy duty mesh that separates the front seat from the back seat. Unnecessary.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, insulting.

[Adam Carolla]

We've been around. We've been together for like eight years. Or try to bite the back of your head off while we were driving.

[Patton Oswalt]

Best friends, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, best friends. You see that? You see that movie with Jim Belushi? Come on.

[Patton Oswalt]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

What's the screen for?

[Patton Oswalt]

I'm gonna lick my balls, but I'm not gonna be happy about it.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like the black guy in the back of a cab here. What's up? Yeah, come on. We need the screen really, we need the screen, aren't we?

[Bald Brian]

Beyond Driving Miss DC so the captain is making bizarre, unbelievable statements to the press, including saying that he fell into the lifeboat. He did not purposefully abandon ship. The reason that they found him in the lifeboat when everyone else was still trapped aboard, you know. Cause he. He abandoned ship. Like he was not supposed to get off that cruise liner. Yeah, but he was in the lifeboat trying to save himself.

[Patton Oswalt]

Vince Gilbert Scatino.

[Adam Carolla]

Vince Galino.

[Bald Brian]

Francesco Schettino.

[Adam Carolla]

Could you imagine, I was thinking to myself the other day, I mean, you know, nobody. I mean, I don't know what the worst thing you could be in this society, like it used to be, sort of being a slut was a bad thing, but not so much anymore. And then, you know, maybe Alec Baldwin yelling at his kid, but being a coward. You know what I mean? Like being in a position of authority and running, you know, like, I was the first guy out of the building on 9 11. But you're the head of security, and you're running for your life, you know, that'd be. That's. That's the worst thing that could happen, right? Being the captain of the ship with. He goes down with the ship and having the recorded. Vince Jeleno and having the recording of the Coast Guard guy going, what. What you doing?

[Bald Brian]

Get back.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to go back to the ship. Go. Go back and count the people and, like, yelling at him. Go back to the ship, right, and count the people and tell us Billy Neen. And it's like, what are you doing? Like, I mean, that guy. First off, worse guy than that guy from the Italian Coast Guard to call up and go, hey, hey, Umberto, I'm feeling a little under the weather today, I don't think. What? What are you talking about? I just feel a little. You know. What? You know, there's. There's been a flu going around, and I think I got a touch of something, so. Were you kidding me? You got to save our lives. Come in. You imagine talking to that guy over the phone and just giving him the. I won't be coming into work today, or I'm gonna be running a little bit late. I feel like that's the worst guy to ever pick up the other phone ever, Right?

[Patton Oswalt]

I gotta leave early on Friday.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you talking about? Kids gotta stop her in the air. Get back to your cubicle and tell me how many people are there?

[Patton Oswalt]

Regionals.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you doing? Listen. Listen to me. Listen. You get to. Back to the cubicle and tell me how many people are in the next cubicle. Now go. You disgust me.

[Bald Brian]

We're having a potluck.

[Adam Carolla]

It's about the luck. Who's bringing the ambrosia salad?

[Bald Brian]

We need to know how many people bring the embrace salad.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Come. No. It is a party. Come on. Giuseppe is retiring. I bought him a watch. Now where are you going? He is sicken me.

[Patton Oswalt]

Give me a lot to think about.

[Adam Carolla]

Get back. Get back to the cubicle. That's got to be tough. Like his wife calling him and going, yeah, I'm at the store. They're out of pasta. Says what you call no. Go to another store. Get back in there, demand the pasta sauce. Like the worst guy in the world to get on the fucking blower.

[Bald Brian]

I know the worst guy.

[Adam Carolla]

And then the other thing I was thinking about, you know, it'd be awesome if we could get Francesco just somehow on his next flight. Or sitting next to. At the movie theater. Get him next to Sully. Sully, World's biggest inhale. What are you known for that was abandoning a ship filled with civilians. What? Why is everyone paying extra attention to you? Just landed a Airbus in the Hudson River. Saved 149 souls.

[Patton Oswalt]

No engines.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I was in an airplane that was on water, and I made sure every single human being got out before I got out. You're on a fucking boat and you're the first guy in the life. Could you imagine him and selling. That'd be the worst day of his life. I would like to get together some people to pay Captain Sully to go over and pay a visit through an intervention. Yeah, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

That'd just be the greatest thing about it. I was thinking that being the captain of a ship, I think of it as like, you know, steering and talking to Julie or whatever. Basic love boat stuff. But, you know, right in the job description is not abandoning ship and making sure everyone gets off safely.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess that recording. That Italian guy who I. He's wasting his time at the Italian Coast Guard. Like, this guy needs to be in the. He needs. He needs to be in the private sector. Like, he really. He could be. He's an earner. This guy's a closer. I'd give him some coffee. I mean, that guy just. Coffee's for closers. Just yelling at him to get back to. And by the way, he's yelling at a captain of a ship, you know, he's not some underling. He never stops.

[Bald Brian]

Here's what he.

[Adam Carolla]

Humiliating.

[Bald Brian]

Here's what he said. Listen, there are people that are coming down the pilot ladder of the Prow you go up that pilot ladder, get on that ship and tell me how many people are still on board and what they need. Is that clear? You need to tell me if there are children, women or people in need of assistance and tell me the exact number of each of these categories. Is that clear? Listen, Scatino, that you saved yourself from the sea, but I am going to. This is translated. I'm going to really do something bad to you. I'm going to make you pay for this. Go on board. Expletive.

[Adam Carolla]

Go on the board. In the. That duet you did with Tammy Wynette. That's not gonna save you from this.

[Bald Brian]

Commander, please. And then DeFalco said, no, please, no, please. You now get up and go on board. They are telling me that on board there are still. Then he. Then Scatina said, I am here with the rescue boats. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I am here. He said, what are you doing, Commander? I'm here to coordinate the rescue. What are you coordinating there? Go on board. Coordinate the rescue from aboard the ship. You pussy. No good piece of shit. He didn't say, but I feel like it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, I love.

[Bald Brian]

Are you refusing? No, I'm not refusing. Anyway. Yeah, what a. What a tragedy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that guy's wasting his time with the Italian coast guard over there.

[Patton Oswalt]

Give me a motivational speaker for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

You really could. Yeah.

[Patton Oswalt]

Dating advice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Use him at halftime at any locker room. You know. You know they do that thing, you should teach aerobics. Well, they do that thing where they'll do it like they'll bring this guy, you know, everyone will be working out and they'll go, all right guys, get on, gather around, grab a knee. Helmets, not chair. Want to introduce you to a friend of mine, Mr. Vander Holyfield, nine time heavyweight world champion. And then you know, the guy goes through a stupid like, you know, you got a 110% bullshit. But this guy yelling at everyone in Italian, that'd be good.

[Bald Brian]

Very motivational. So Mark Wahlberg angered some people today with some comments that he made in Men's Journal. He said that had he been on one of the planes going from Boston that crashed into the World Trade center on 9 11, it would have happened differently is what he said. If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn't have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first class cabin. And then me saying, okay, we're going to land somewhere safely. Don't worry.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Bald Brian]

He said, we certainly would have tried to do something to fight. I've had probably over 50 dreams about it now.

[Adam Carolla]

He took off from Logan. Yeah. They didn't know.

[Bald Brian]

No. Back then, you were supposed to not resist. Now everyone's like, I would take down anyone who did anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I've said it many times. Our society has turned. Or we were working very hard to turn us into just a bunch of duck and cover. Get in the fetal position, cry, and put your index finger up your ass. Like that's. That's everything was. You never try. I mean, you never resist. If somebody asks you for your wallet, you give them your wallet. If they come in your car, you give them. They're breaking your house. Give them anything you need. If terrorists take you, don't try. Try to. It was. That's. Oh, that was just beat into us. And if you feel the ground move, you get under your desk and you get in a fetal position. So that was beat, beaten into everybody. And before, when they would hijack a plane, they would land it in Cuba or Libya or something. So you'd just be like, all right, well, this is gonna be a pretty big inconvenience. But at least I got my bags on board. But they didn't fly because I've got.

[Bald Brian]

All my lotions with me and fly it into things.

[Adam Carolla]

And according to them or whatever, I think, think the terrorists weren't interested in having 200 panicked people trying to bust down a cabin door. So I think they were basically telling them, relax, we're gonna land some. You know, we just want money or something. We're not flying into a building. So everyone did the thing or, listen, don't do anything. Don't be a hero. Sit down. Let's. They'll land somewhere. And then. Well, now, when they did find out about it and over, over, over, over Pennsylvania, then they did bring the plane down. So there's no. I mean, I like Mark Chutzpah and all that kind of stuff, and he's a cool guy, but not at the time. I don't think any. You know, I think you could add Brock Lesnar in first class, and I don't think he would have done anything because you think you're gonna land. And honestly, like, who wants the lawsuit of. Well, they're gonna land in Cuba and you're kicking in the door, and the next thing you know, you're bringing the plane down and what happens? That ass wipe got out of hand, which is how it would have gone down, historically.

[Bald Brian]

That's right. From the Funky Bunch.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what they would have said, got down those underpants.

[Bald Brian]

What an amazing set of abs, though. Okay, so then he apologized and he said to suggest I would have done anything differently than the passengers on that plane was irresponsible. I deeply apologized to the families of the victims. That my answer came off as insensitive. It certainly was not my intention. And in this interview, he also said that he's not big on masturbation. I don't get down with jerking off. Dude.

[Adam Carolla]

No. She also said that I lost all respect.

[Bald Brian]

I don't believe in everything that the church says. I try to do the right thing. I lead a clean and pure life. I'm a married guy. I have a beautiful wife. Sex is not the most important thing to me. Being horny all the time, spanking the dash. Dash. I mean, it's not against the law. You can do whatever you want. It's not like I shouldn't do it because of my faith. I'm just not really into it that much. Anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

He said faith, not face. Right.

[Bald Brian]

He said faith. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

If you wait too long. Anyway, depending on what. That's why I do it standing up. But anyway, sorry, go ahead.

[Bald Brian]

He's just not into it that much. Anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

If I looked like him with my shirt off, I'd beat off the me twice a day. You know what I mean?

[Bald Brian]

So you think he's just jaded? Probably from looking at himself all the time. Yeah, he should look at himself in a spoon. Be like the stranger, you know, who's that hot upside down guy? Yeah, I like that he's on antidepressants. They make you lose your sex drive, I think. Or do they just make it so that you can't come?

[Adam Carolla]

I think you lose your sex drive.

[Bald Brian]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

But, you know, if you can't get off, it does slow you down a little bit. He's saying he doesn't like to masturbate.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, well, it's just. He's saying that it's not high on his list of things that he does.

[Adam Carolla]

Last time I saw him, he made me feel really good about myself.

[Bald Brian]

What'd he say?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I was at a meeting. It was one of these meetings with, like, important radio guys. As a matter of fact, it was a meeting when they were going to fold the station that I was on in Los Angeles. I feel like there's a lot of stuff I should be more pissed off about, but instead I focus on things like TV remotes and stuff. Before they folded the station, my invitation.

[Patton Oswalt]

Must have got lost in the map.

[Adam Carolla]

Jack Silver and Company said to me, like, two months before, they're folding the station. Hey, we're folding, you know, bad news, we're folding the station. Good news, you're not getting fired. We're folding the station. We're going to move you to New York and we're going to make you the marquee guy in the biggest. The biggest market in the country. And I did a.

[Bald Brian]

Did they give each other a high five and laugh as you walked out of the house?

[Adam Carolla]

And I was like, oh, all right. Well, that's. That's something to definitely think about. And I was like, jesus Christ, what I do? Move my whole family over there? And then what do I. What about my cars? My precious cars? And I, like, I don't know if I want to move. Huh? I want to move to New York. And then I'm starting to working out this plan and I'm talking to my wife about, well, maybe for the first six months, I'll come back every other weekend or something and I'll find a place and I'll move you guys and I'll live in an apartment or something like that, and I can't say anything. So. So when they fold a radio station, they tell everyone that day, pretty much. Because radio people are insane. And they'll burn the place down, right? I mean, you've seen what they've done to the microwave already. And that's when they think they're gainfully employed. God, now they'll start defecating in that place and setting it on a thousand.

[Bald Brian]

It's lynch and Brian who would have done it, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So I'm sitting there on top of this knowledge that the station is folding and having to have these conversations about, hey, what do you want to do for March Madness? And it's like January, and I know we're out February 20th or whatever it is, and we're talking about March Madness. And I'm pretending to be listening. And by the way, people complain that I look down and I tune out. I pretend like I'm listening. Comes in very handy when. That's my. When. When I am actually tuned out and.

[Bald Brian]

Looking down and justification for being paranoid all the time. I just realized, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So, you know, producer Angie's going, we're thinking about going to Vegas for March Madness. I'm like, that's a good one. That sounds good.

[Patton Oswalt]

All your tuning out is L to that boat.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Thank God I've been training, staring at my shoes.

[Patton Oswalt]

My time has come.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it's time to go, boys. I was like Seal Team 6, except for if they stood there and stared at their shoes and sort of turn, turn 45 degrees to you and pretended to be interested in something else and not listening.

[Bald Brian]

Social, awkward training.

[Adam Carolla]

Just tuned in, huh? It's a good idea. It's a good idea. And then at a certain point, we went to the Beverly Hills Hotel and we sat out in the patio there of the restaurant, and we were gonna sit there and have lunch and sort of discuss the future, you know. Now it's like three weeks off, you know, and what about New York and what are we gonna do and what are the plans? And I'm sitting there out on that patio. See? Itamcroll.com I got the picture right there. Just sitting there with the radio muckety muck guys just being all important, trying to be all important. And Mark Wahlberg, like, just on cue, like, it walks by. Hey, Adam. How you doing, buddy? Slapping on the back, you know. Hey, Mark, good to see you. Hey, bro, how's it going? Hey. This is this guy from this radio guy and that guy from that radio guy. Hi. All right, good. See you. Talk to you soon. Okay. And he just walks by. And I did this. Yeah, you ain't dealing with Frosty hiding Frank here. And then 10 seconds later, Byron Allen came by, ruined the whole thing.

[Bald Brian]

Because he also said, yes, the exact same thing. He ruined it, damn him.

[Patton Oswalt]

Just to complete the story, how long after that did they pull the whole deal off the table? And why about dessert?

[Bald Brian]

Well, it was Byron, I.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, whether the cooler. Whether I get. See, I never ask why. Whether the dentist says, I have a cavity or the girlfriend says, I'm breaking up with you, or the program director says, we've decided not to send you to New York. I never say why, because.

[Bald Brian]

Do you even wonder?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't. Because it's already done. And there's nothing I can. I can't undo that. I don't live in that world like I do. Do a lot of. Here's what's going on. Here's what we have to do to prevent whatever. Here's, you know, we're drywalling the studio. Don't do both sides of the wall because the electrician won't be able to pull his wires through the metal studs and blah, blah, blah. But once something is done, I don't really do the why part. I assume they have their reasons why. They may be right and they may be wrong. Them being wrong doesn't really matter either. In their mind, they're Right. And they've made their decision.

[Bald Brian]

I can't tell if this means you're a more evolved person with a lot of mental health or something else, because I'm not that way at all. I feel like it would save me a lot of duress if I was.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't give a shit. Like, I'm always secretly relieved when something goes away, number one. Number two, I had a pilot probably to work on and maybe a book to write and stuff like that. I always have 10 other things, right? And I. I feel like a nice. I feel like a hot blonde who's. Who's under 25, which is, dump me all you want. I'll be fucking George Clooney tonight or his buddy, like, it doesn't matter. I'll get on to the next thing. It doesn't. It doesn't matter.

[Bald Brian]

In no way had all your eggs in one basket and you weren't over.

[Adam Carolla]

I wasn't even sure if I wanted to go.

[Bald Brian]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, so it was like, I knew it'd be a lot of money and it'd be a lot of prestige and stuff, but it's also, like, the way everyone should approach life is. I know that they worked this out long in advance of telling me. They didn't come to me and go, I don't think we're gonna send you to New York. But what do you think? You know, they made their decision and they talked about it, and they went back and forth and they crunched numbers and they did whatever it is they do to arrive at that point where they go, all right, we're not going to do it now. Go tell Adam.

[Bald Brian]

When you were younger, would you have wanted to know why?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I really. I don't want to know why unless there's something I can change about it. Yeah, and oftentimes there is something you can change about. You know, sometimes a cop pulls you over and goes. You know, you were going 35 in a 35. And a cop pulls you over and you go, whoa, why'd you pull me over? He's gonna start writing you a ticket for something, and maybe you can get your way out of it because he saw the wrong car, did the wrong whatever. But in this particular. In these sort of business decisions, whether they're folding a station or not, sending me to New York, it was a done deal, and they have the reasons. And also, by the way, who says they're gonna give you a truthful answer? Well, yeah, they could have all got into a room and went, carolla's not exactly what you call talented. He's not that funny. Or he loves the sound of his own voice. He's not gonna fit in New York. You're not gonna accept him. He's not gonna get ratings.

[Bald Brian]

Did you leave a pen in the room?

[Adam Carolla]

I left my ballpoint. That records. Yeah. So they could have just decided I sucked, which is probably the case. I mean, most the time when your decides to break up with you or the boss decides to let you go, it's not a real flattering answer.

[Patton Oswalt]

You're not talking him out of it either.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's never. It's. It's never like, you're too good for me. Why'd you let me go? Because you. Your cock has too much girth. Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, I thought this was about business, but anyway, I can walk back to my car whistling now because my cock is too fat. It's never that. So what you're gonna get, get. You have just too much girth for radio. What you're gonna get is the truth, which is we just don't think you're up to it. Which doesn't feel fantastic and makes you go, God, I could do it. I know I could do it. Or more likely the bullshit, which is, well, you know, the guys in New York, the bean counters over there in New York, you know, they just didn't feel like they could. There's suits over there, you know, some bullshit past the buck. You're gonna get the. Hey man, I'm a big fan. And hey man is just the guys over there in New York. And if you're in New York, you're gonna get the bean counters in la. Didn't think they could. Blah, blah, blah. So what do you want their version of bullshit for anyway?

[Bald Brian]

I guess I just. I'm always hung up on the like. But at one point you thought this and now you think this. Why, why, why? And I'm sure it speaks to some. Something or other happened to me early in childhood. Probably my parents having my sister and me being like, why wasn't I enough?

[Adam Carolla]

It's still haven't gotten over it and still not enough.

[Patton Oswalt]

But why weren't you enough?

[Adam Carolla]

The thing is, I don't know.

[Bald Brian]

I tried to be cute.

[Adam Carolla]

Here we are. Here we are doing successful podcast. Here we are selling my ebook. Here we are with my other book on a New York Times bestseller list and getting ready to do our next show. Do a show animated show with Fox ebook.

[Patton Oswalt]

Almost on itunes.

[Adam Carolla]

Almost on itunes. And I didn't know all the specifics of this. But I knew it'll work. Doesn't. Doesn't. Doesn't really matter. And so maybe that's part of it. I don't. And also, I don't get that wrapped up in me. Like, they didn't, they didn't bring me to New York, not because they don't even know me and then give a fuck about me. I mean as much to them as they mean to me, which is not a whole lot, if you think about it. I'm just a commodity. They either think they can make money off of this commodity or not. I'm just a stock or a car that's being sold on a used lot. I'm a head of cattle. I'm livestock. And I don't mean that in a demeaning way. It's like I'm not there. It's not their job to worry about my feelings or about how this is affecting me on an emotional level. They either want me to do it because they think they can make money or they don't because they don't. They could be right, they could be wrong. It's up to them. They have the checkbook, they have the antenna, they have the FCC license. And they decided, that's fine with me. We'll go on. And do, do I wish they backed up the Brinks truck and said, please move to New York? Sure. But moving on, there's nothing I can do.

[Bald Brian]

All right, well, Jay Z is retiring the word bitch.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, by the way, can I say this? Do we have our. We're talking about Mark and the airplane. And I saw a news story on the tsa. I'm hopping on a flight shortly. And you know this thing of like, don't you? As I've said many times, for a society that can create a jet, you take a look at the jet aircraft, you take a look at something like the 777 that can get from here to almost any destination in Europe or Asia on one tank of gas, traveling at 580 miles an hour, totally pressurized while you drink champagne, sitting in a fully reclined seat in first class, listening to headphones, watching a high def TV. I mean, think what's involved with a 777 aircraft. Like a state of the art aircraft. There's 300 people on plane, there's 300 people sitting in the cigar tube. We're all traveling 600 miles an hour. We're 37,000ft in the air and it's 71 degrees in here. And if I wanted it to be 68 I could make it 68. And if I wanted to be 73, I can make it 73. And I can't even hear the sound of the jet engines or the wind outside. It's minus 41 inside 70 degrees. And I'm sitting on a seat that has a massager in it and I'm watching Marky Mark on the flat screen. That's how smart we are. That's how, how incredibly evolved we are. That's when 2,000 people get together in a plant out of Seattle called Boeing and put all our education and collective minds and souls together. That's what we can do. I mean, we're creating engines to put out hundreds of thousands of pounds of thrust and move a thing that weighs hundreds of tons into the air at 600 miles an hour. And then there's the TSA and then there's my five year old taking her flip flops off with a quarter inch of fucking vulcanized rubber underneath the 5 year olds flip flops. You see what I'm saying? So it's not that we're fucking stupid. Only in certain categories do we become retarded. We're socially stupid, mechanically. We'll kick the shit out. We have Predator drones. There's some guy who's sitting in Michigan who's running down a convoy that has the, you know, one of the playing cards that's on in front of him of Al Qaeda and he's fucking opening up on this guy with spent uranium from 8,000 miles away. Oh, we're good. We can be good. We had a dude on the moon 40 years ago. We can believe that we can be good. We choose to be stupid when it comes to certain things. And the idea that we all just have to fucking go through the same place at the same airport and be treated the same. Even though, you know, me and Mike August have traveled 500,000 miles over the last two years and posed zero threat. Our shoes are coming off, our belts coming off and we're getting the exact same line as everyone else is fucking retarded. It's just stupid. And they finally. 10 years on a fucking decade of a million airports times 10 million people just fucking standing in line barefoot in a filthy carpet covered with gum. Somebody started to implement a maybe we should take a group of people we're so freaked out about saying this one group doesn't really pose as big a threat as maybe another group might. So we're going to single them out and give them a little preferred treatment. But it's really just a treatment. You've earned. It's not preferred. It's if you have traveled several hundred thousand miles without trying to blow anything up, then you can get your name onto a list where your line isn't quite as long and thus shortening the other line in the process.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Patton Oswalt]

And along those lines, when did profiling become a bad word? Like, that's how we solve crimes. This, this group is more likely to do this and this. White males are more likely to be serial killers and blah blah blah and whatever it is. But that's how things are figured out and how we can see it.

[Bald Brian]

After 9, 11, profiling became necessary.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the left, it's the left, it's the left. You can't point your sensitivity. Shut the fuck up. You're fucking destroying our country, you assholes. So somebody finally. I was just watching this news story tonight. Somebody has been trying to implement something, but it'll be another five years before I ever get on this fucking list. You guys have it or airport security.

[Allison Rosen]

In a breeze, you don't have to take your laptops out anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a dream of millions of travelers and for some a reality. Yeah, not to be treated like Al Qaeda, just maggots. I travel all the time. Business traveler Skip Zimbalist never got used to the time consuming security ritual of waiting in line to take off jacket, belt and shoes and opening up laptop cases. He tried the clear priority program some.

[Allison Rosen]

Airports offered for a fee, but now.

[Adam Carolla]

It can be free. It took so long, but I'm glad it's here. Yeah, what took so long? We're fucking idiots. And we're scared shitless of being called xenophobes. You pre register so your background can be checked at.

[Announcer]

A special bar code on your boarding.

[Allison Rosen]

Pass tells the screeners you're in the program.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait a minute, what about the Patriot Act? Then they're going to have your name and their data file become the sixth US airport to offer pre check here only for American airlines at other airports, Delta. Why would other airlines. The other 26 airlines. Not just to help travelers, but to.

[Allison Rosen]

Enable it to focus resources on more likely terror.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, stop it there. Yes, yes. If you're having 200,000 sheep pass through your gate every day and basically what you're trying to do is you're trying to spot the sheep that's got the fucking ringworm or whatever the disease, but you've decided to take every single fucking sheep and pass them through. Well, of course the likelihood of the sheep with the ringworm is gonna get through is much higher than if you said, look, here's a group of sheep that have never had ringworm. We've inspected them a million times over. They've been through the gate 10,000 times already. Ready? Let's just go ahead and fucking get them out of the fucking mix so that we can focus more detail and more attention. I mean, look, we never stop, you ass wipes on the left never stop talking about the size of the classroom. Well, these classrooms are oversized. There's too many people. There's too many kids in the class. We have too many kids. There's 50 kids in the class. So the teacher, the one teacher can't address the 50 kids because it's overcrowded. Got it? All right, well, that applies to life. If you have way too many people, and especially people that pose zero threat passing through this thing, you're only going to be able to scrutinize them to a certain degree because you only have a certain amount of time to work with each person. Of course we should profile. Or certainly if we're not going to profile, let's at least do reverse profiling where we take all the dudes who've been traveling for the last 30 years without incident and pull them the fuck out of law line. We're so fucking stupid. And it's not that we're stupid. We all understand what this is. There's the folks like me who just have been saying it from the word go, and then there's the folks over on the left who are thinking what I'm thinking. But they're fucking hypocrite cowards and they don't want to pipe up about it because they don't want anyone pointing a finger at them and calling them racist. That's what it is. Meanwhile, we're all just dying in a line. We're all just fucking dying in line because people are scared that someone's gonna point a finger at somebody. Well, at least do the fucking reverse version of this. And by the way, 10 years on, a fucking decade on and one at LAX, one of the biggest airports in the world, one airline has adopted this thing. Ten years on, one airline that I guarantee I will not be flying anytime this weekend.

[Bald Brian]

Good and fine. Till the terrorists raise people in this country and have them fly around all the potentially to do concerts and stand up shows and then have them do their mission.

[Adam Carolla]

So fucking sad. We're so fucking stupid. And it's not their fault. It's our fault for being pussies. And the first time somebody says how about we take people that look, fit a profile and are high. You can't treat anyone any differently than anybody. Yes, you can. Yes you can. And you don't. By the way, telling Mike lynch over there yesterday, we got our phone shut off over here. I don't know what the fuck happened. But it's like, listen, I've had a. I've been paying my phone bill for 30 years. You think they can give me a call or letter or something like just really, just pulling the plug? And I just bought this other warehouse and I'm getting piles and piles and piles of paperwork and piles and things like. And I said Mike was sort of like, you've owned so many properties, you've never been a day late on any of your payments. You must have amazing credit. Why do you have to go through the same thing? That's an actual picture of the table of the shit that I had to sign for the other warehouse. It's a stack. There's a stack close to that's about 4 inches thick, and then there's another stack that's about 8 inches thick. I sat there and just sign and sign and sign. And you know what I said to Mike? I said, I've owned multiple warehouses, multiple houses, done multiple business dealings that have to do with real estate over the last 15 years. And I'm talking about multimillion dollar deals times 20. I've never been late on a payment, not one fucking second late on one payment. And I'm talking about, oh, there's a Malibu house over there. I don't know why I said Malibu. Weird. There's a Malibu, Malibu house over there. There's a Burbank warehouse over there. There's another Glendale warehouse over here. There's a house in the hills. There's another house in the hills. Not a second late on one fucking payment ever. Yet I get treated exactly the same as Guy. You know what I said to Mike? I said, mike, here's the deal. I know you think I must have great credit, and I'm sure I do. There's no such thing as good credit. There's only bad credit. If you have bad credit, you're finished. If you have good credit, then you just get treated like the rest of the sheep that get to take your fucking belt and shoes off and go through the metal detector. That's the society we have created. There's no such thing as anyone going, adam, Carolla, let me look at your history. And everyone does that thing where they go, why do you want to be treated differently? I don't want to be treated differently. I want to be treated the same as everyone else who's had 20 properties and never been a second late on their payment. That's how I want to be treated. And if you want to do that, then that's fine. That's how I will be treated.

[Bald Brian]

Is this phone thing ruining your credit?

[Adam Carolla]

Phone got shut off. All right, so remember, in life, kids, there's only bad credit. There's no good credit. There's terrorists and then there's us, but that's it. There's nobody who just gets to go through the line without taking their fucking shoes off.

[Bald Brian]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Dip it, cunt.

[Announcer]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let me give a little love to a group that would never support the terrorists. These guys are as American as Chevrolet baseball. One day my kids are going to be going. They're as American as Daihatsu soccer and apple pie. Oh, Daihatsu soccer and churros. It's gonna be fucking sad days. Isn't that. Yeah, I'm talking about go to my PC. Go to my PC. They got the app for the iPhone. Nummy, nummy, nummy. Like having your work computer right in your pockets and we're standing in your next never ending line. You can get a little work done on your iPhone. How about it? Go to my PC, the app for the iPhone. You can edit, you can do some PowerPoints, you can update spreadsheets. All this stuff you would do on your work computer and. Or home computer from wherever you are on your iPhone with the app. What a day we're living. And again, we got this. And we have my five year old kicking her flip flops off to go through the metal detector. You see, we have a. We have a. You can hold the thing in your hand, size of a pack of cigarettes, and do work from your computer thousands of miles away with this Apple app where that goddamn smarts bouncing off a satellite a million, million miles in the sky and coming back to the palm of your hand, but yet you go through the airport. Sir, you need to do. For me. Okay? Right now, go ahead and take that app off your iPhone. Okay, sir, right now. Good. Need you to go ahead and power down that device. Okay. For me. Okay, Real quick. Right now. Okay. For me. Okay, Right now I need you to go ahead and turn around for me. Okay? Right now. Real quick. Now. Okay, sure. Okay, try go to my PC. Free. Free. Special 45 day free trial only if you use the promo code. Adam, visit GoToMyPC.com Click on the Try it free button and remember to use the promo code. Adam. All right, quick break. Back with your made up movies. Next.

[Announcer]

This week on Ace. On the house.

[Adam Carolla]

Now the good news about Ozzy. I said to Ozzy, Ozzy, what's going on with this tape job? And he's like, hey, hey. And I was like, well, what's did you do this tape job? And he's like, no, Rob did that. And I'm like, oh, okay. But by the way, way to not walk over there and go, hey, man.

[Bald Brian]

Here'S how it works.

[Adam Carolla]

Now let's just wait till Corolla shows up, then we can have a nice laugh at Rob. I'm gonna go work on the other side of the building. Yeah. By the way, if you'd like to start a fire, here's some oily rags. I will be over here.

[Announcer]

Check out an all new episode of Ace on the house this Saturday. Saturday. Or visit aceonthehouse.com only on the ACE Broadcasting Network. According to an ancient Mayan prophecy, in the year 2012, a hero would rise to turn your movie titles into blockbusters. That hero is Adam Corolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Boy, that could be me.

[Announcer]

And this is maybe made up movie.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we have your made up movie tweets. We'll each have a shot at one of these things. We'll just riff them. Brian, what do you like? I see you're looking at tweets up there on the screen. Anything you like, anything jumping out at you.

[Patton Oswalt]

There's a good one up there from Michael Neal and it's maximum wage, not.

[Adam Carolla]

Minimum wage, but maximum wage.

[Patton Oswalt]

So maybe. Okay, so we need a young guy. So like Taylor Lautner. He's working in like the mail room, right? Like an agency or something like that. Like he's lowest on the low man, trying to work his way up. And he's a computer genius, of course, because he has to be. And he figures out a way, not unlike the plot of Superman 3. He figures out a way to get the system, even though he's making minimum wage, to pay him like the top salary, the top executive salary. So he's secretly making these paychecks and.

[Adam Carolla]

He sees them coming in because he's handling the mail. It's the one with his name on it. And we do the thing.

[Patton Oswalt]

The trailer has to have a cliched song.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And we do the thing where they reveal, like after taxes, every two weeks, he's making $621 every two weeks after taxes. But as the camera pans, we notice the four zeros behind it. That's the thing. That's the real time, tight Scorsese, tumbling dice kind of thing. But we see the Z, we see the zeros behind it. Yeah, that's good.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yeah, he's making all the money. He's taking girls out and they're like being wooed because he has a secret life at night, right, where he's driving a Porsche and everything.

[Bald Brian]

But then there's probably a vignette where they rapidly show his change in lifestyle.

[Patton Oswalt]

Oh, yeah, his co workers see him out at night.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, that vignette, because it's Taylor Lautner, is a dressing. He's being fitted. Yeah, he's up on that stand, he's being fitted. And. And the girls are going by and the Porsches are going by and the nightlights going. We keep adding an article of clothing.

[Bald Brian]

To him, like a woman. But he's the.

[Adam Carolla]

And he starts off in his midway, you know, boxer briefs, and then they keep adding stuff. And then at the end, when he's ready to go, he goes out and.

[Bald Brian]

He'S wearing like 15 layers of clothes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's good. But now he's out on the town, out buying crystal and cameos with P. Diddy and that kind of stuff. And he sees his boss from across the club. I don't want to tell you where to go with this one, Brian, but I'm saying he sees the boss from across the club and the boss comes over. Now, I. I got a couple ideas.

[Bald Brian]

Here is one, that he's sleeping with the boss's daughter.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's good. That's good too. Work, work her in. Rob Schneider plays the daughter. He's got that kind of range.

[Patton Oswalt]

I did not see that coming.

[Adam Carolla]

No, the boss comes over. Michael Dunn Douglas comes over and he starts to panic. Starts to panic like, this isn't my champagne. And of course, right as it's showing up and P. Diddy's thanking him for the Cristal and he's like, what do you mean thanking me? Don't thank me. And the boss in a twist. Don't worry, I was young once. I know how the game is played.

[Patton Oswalt]

He wants in on it, though.

[Adam Carolla]

I want in. Yeah.

[Patton Oswalt]

So that's right. That's how business really works.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Bald Brian]

This is the point in the movie theater where I'm like, ah, fuck, how much longer is this movie?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Bald Brian]

And he gives a whole new plot twist.

[Adam Carolla]

He gives a speech. He gives this speech to him. I like you, kid. You know why? You remind me of me about 30 years ago. That's right.

[Patton Oswalt]

That's inspiring, the kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then he ruins it by saying, I think I'm gonna beat off to you later. Maybe I went too far. But isn't that part of you?

[Bald Brian]

Maybe not far enough.

[Adam Carolla]

You remind me of someone.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

A young me. I want to one day give that fucking speech to somebody without them laughing or me laughing.

[Bald Brian]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. You remind me of a young upstart guy who worked. Let me tell you a story about a guy who worked in the mailroom in the late 70s. Young, brash, didn't think his poop stunk. And he was right. Odorless dude.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Stan Cleanpoon.

[Adam Carolla]

But what happens? He realizes. Ah, wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold on. No, no, no. His girly. His girl, right?

[Patton Oswalt]

Taylor Lautner's girl.

[Adam Carolla]

Taylor Lautner's girl from the old neighborhood back in Indiana. Now she is played by the chick who's now on Boardwalk Empire, who was in no country for Old Men.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Patton Oswalt]

McDonald. Kelly McDonald.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Played by her. He. He's. She didn't like. She didn't like the change. She didn't like the changes. Didn't like those changes. She's seen money changes people. You know what I mean? She doesn't like what he's turned into.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And he realizes after going out and doing coke and whoring with Michael Douglas, what his priorities.

[Bald Brian]

Has he lost her forever, though?

[Adam Carolla]

No, he wins her back and he decides to not quit ripping off the company altogether, but just to get himself down to about 80 grand a week. That's good, you know, living, right? Yeah. Allison, anything up there jumping out at you?

[Bald Brian]

Dead Air from Tim Callahan. Dead Air is a murder mystery, suspense horror film from the minds of me. And it's the kind of movie where when it comes out, people will be like, was she basing that off of her work experience? Because it's gonna feature. It's gonna center around a character not unlike you, Adam, who came from terrestrial radio, who then decided to do the online thing. Podcast thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Bald Brian]

Put together a very successful podcast, and then people start dying.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be the first movie about a podcast. Oh, so it'll be like the Ring.

[Patton Oswalt]

So is it the people?

[Adam Carolla]

People are working people who hear the podcast?

[Bald Brian]

No, no. Oh, well, we could go that way. But I wasn't thinking that.

[Patton Oswalt]

If you listen to this podcast. Yeah, like the radio.

[Bald Brian]

I like that better, though. Yeah, No, I was thinking that. Just people who work here start showing up dead and then it's like, you know, and then it's a real whodunit, like, clue. But we could go your way with people who listen to it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Which way should we go?

[Adam Carolla]

It's interesting.

[Patton Oswalt]

As it gets more popular, more deaths, body count starts piling up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

It's the number one most downloaded body count podcast in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, we'll work that out for the poster.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You just downloaded dad. Yeah.

[Patton Oswalt]

Oh, and Gerard Butler can finally play you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? He studied. Studied me once. Yeah. We get Gerard Butler to.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, it poses an interesting conundrum because how can people solve the crime without dying?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Because they have to listen to it.

[Adam Carolla]

Turn your ipod into a you, dad. That's good stuff. That's good on the poster.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, that'll be great.

[Patton Oswalt]

Sniff into that somehow.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know how you do that on a poster.

[Bald Brian]

Sniff is a symptom of the illness that you get from listening.

[Adam Carolla]

Do we get Gerard Butler as me?

[Patton Oswalt]

Absolutely.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Patton Oswalt]

I got Gary a picture.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But I was thinking.

[Bald Brian]

Open Teresa.

[Adam Carolla]

I was thinking. Oh, who's that?

[Bald Brian]

Okay, but only if I get to play her.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Who is the.

[Bald Brian]

Get a flashback.

[Adam Carolla]

Eric Bogosian, maybe? I was thinking, plays me.

[Patton Oswalt]

Who's that?

[Adam Carolla]

Eric Bogosian.

[Bald Brian]

Gilbert Gottfried is gonna play you, isn't it?

[Adam Carolla]

Eric Bogosian?

[Patton Oswalt]

I don't know who that is.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. From what? Talk radio.

[Adam Carolla]

Talk radio. You know, Ericozian.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yeah, yeah. Sorry, it wasn't.

[Adam Carolla]

It was hot for a while.

[Bald Brian]

Larry Miller can play Brian.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Patton Oswalt]

Huh? Who?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Patton Oswalt]

Oh, yeah, Larry.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Bald Brian]

He plays Larry.

[Adam Carolla]

Larry can play him. He's got range. I got one. I'm looking at one here called off the Wagon. And that's from Tom Will, 21. I'm thinking this. This is a lighthearted comedy. I'm thinking about. Maybe we get Sandler in this way. One Sandler goes out, celebrates a bachelor party, Has a bachelor party, you know, has a couple, tilts a few too many, gets into his car and smash. Rear ends a cop car, because that's always funny. And next thing you know, the court mandates that he go to AA meetings. Now, he's not an alcoholic. He just had a. He just had a couple, too. He tilted a few too many. Now he's mandated. So of course he's like, come on. I doing. He's sitting in the back with his arms folded and, you know, this is never. And then all of a sudden, he's.

[Bald Brian]

Not saying hi to everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, right. He's just. He's looking down his nose. Everything he's not an alcoholic. Is the court mandated that he go to 10 of these meetings? And then Charlize Theron.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, good.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's really has this song keeps getting played. Yeah, she. She has a. She has a young son and she. She's. She's been through it. She. She lost her. She lost her husband to a cirrhosis and then it had her kid taken away and stuff like.

[Patton Oswalt]

And song may be inappropriate.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. No, no, but. But it's light hearted. But it's got moments. It's touching. It's touching.

[Bald Brian]

It feels poignant and I did not expect to cry.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, she does that thing where she. They're drinking coffee during the break at the YMCA and Burbank, and she does that thing where she goes, you know what I hate? I hate those people that pretend like they're bigger than this. They come in here and they judge. They look down their noses. They pretend like they don't have a problem. They do have a problem. You want to know what their problem is? Not admitting they have a problem. And he like, yeah, I wish I could drink a quart of lantern oil right now. Now he's got to pretend. And then he's got to pretend to have the shakes and be like, you know, and. And he doesn't. And then they're going out to dinner and, like, the waiter's coming by and he's like, yeah, give me a dois. What's I. I mean, Arnold Papal. Oh, man, the old me. I was out of control. Good, good, good, good. Yeah, and they do that.

[Bald Brian]

Call me anytime, anytime you feel the urge.

[Adam Carolla]

And they do that really stupid thing where she finds out that I was live even though it was about nothing.

[Bald Brian]

Then you've broken the trust.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they do it in all those movies where somebody paid somebody 100 bucks to go up and talk to that girl at the bar. And then at some point, if you found out that somebody paid me a hundred bucks, you'd be off.

[Bald Brian]

I've seen him have only two beers on a number of occasions, right? What? He has it under control.

[Adam Carolla]

Artie Lang plays your old frat buddy shows he's in town. You guys went to Wisconsin together. He's wearing a jersey. Come on, man. He's got a pony keg in the trunk of his car filled with ice. And you're like, I want you to. I want you to meet Michelle. And no, you know, I've been, you know, Moose, you know, I've been sober for a lot.

[Announcer]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

We funnel beers together. Yeah, we funnel beer yeah, like, you know, that guy's gonna ruin it.

[Allison Rosen]

You have to pull him.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to do that thing, what they do in the movies where you kick him real hard in the shin. Even though it's right in front of the girl, she doesn't notice it. You just kick the guy in the shin really hard or stomped on his.

[Patton Oswalt]

Foot, start to say something, and boom.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. You're like, oh, man. You said, we're going out tonight. We're gonna. But the chick never goes, why'd you stomp on his foot?

[Patton Oswalt]

Going out to help some hopeless people at the soup kitchen.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah. Right? Yeah. That's good. Right now, I don't know. I'm not sure how this one ends. I think. I think. I think the child brings them together.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, yeah. Because they're apart for a while while sad music plays.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. The child sees him drinking a beer, and the child's like, my father died, and my mother's in there, and he has to say, no, no, I can drink. I'm not really an Al, and you're not really. And he goes, no, don't tell mom. And, you know, that's the. Yeah, there you go. It brings them together. It brings them together.

[Patton Oswalt]

This is the family scene that at.

[Adam Carolla]

The end and at the very end, it's like he gets the Pepsi Free. You get the virgin daiquiri, and they just. They just show him. Just take a big shot of Cuervo and laugh. It's the freeze. It's a freeze frame. You know what I mean? Freeze free. Shame. And then this cranks up and it rolls. It rolls right here. Yeah, Rolling. Rolling over the shot of Cuervo. Huh?

[Bald Brian]

And then in the credits, it's a whole bunch of outtakes of them wearing Hawaiian shirts and, yeah, funny bar shots.

[Adam Carolla]

Good, good stuff. Good, good stuff. All right, thank you. That was made up movie. Wonderful job, people. Rich man, poor man.

[Announcer]

Adam Corolla will return in made up movie part two.

[Adam Carolla]

Up to number two, everybody, on the iTunes charts. Thank you, number two, very, very much. All right, as always, say, we're wiring the new studio back there as we speak. Going on, Matt, the porcelain punisher finaleers going on home depot runs. And you know what funds that, all you guys? The pirate ship Amazon. So if you're buying anything from Amazon, just go to AdamKroll.com and click on the banner piece. People, we got a new studio to build you folks. All right, thank you so much. So until next time, Adam Kroll for bald Brian and Allison Rosen saying, mahalo, don't eat your in front of company. All right, that's adam Kulsh of 738. Come next, we have Adam Cole show.

[Patton Oswalt]

744 featuring Patton Oswald, Alex Rosen, and.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian bishop, also from 2011. Check it out. Good day, Bald Brian.

[Allison Rosen]

Tell me about that. Grandpa Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day. Allison Rosen.

[Bald Brian]

Hello.

[Adam Carolla]

And Pat Noswalt as well. Doug, you in Young Adult. I. I thought you would get nomination.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, I thank you. Thank you for that. There was a lot of, you know, they. They talk about everyone getting a nomination at one point. There was all this. But yeah, they. I. I got to do an Oscar campaign. I've never done one of those before.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

And got to kind of go put through those paces.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Not since your Heisman campaign of 90. 89. 88. 89.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It was right around the time. Oh, geez. Would have been coming out. And who would have been campaigning about that time?

[Patton Oswalt]

What year?

[Adam Carolla]

Andre Ware. Trying to think. I think late, mid, late 80s.

[Patton Oswalt]

Tim Brown from Notre Dame took.

[Adam Carolla]

Was Tim Brown. Tim Brown just snuck by you? Yeah, I remember that.

[Allison Rosen]

Everything you guys just said sounded like Pekingese barks.

[Bald Brian]

Now you know how I feel all the time.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know what that is.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. How does a Oscar campaign work? I know there's ads in trade magazines.

[Allison Rosen]

And then you go to a of screenings and Q&As and you meet people and go to dinners and stuff. What was weird was they kept the studio people kept saying that when you do an Oscar campaign, it's really rough and there's a lot of time spent meeting people. But what happened was I'm such a film geek and I'm such a film buff that I would go to these things and I would meet people that I'm genuinely a fan of and would end up talking to them for hours about their career. I got to talk to Rick Baker and Paul Schrader.

[Adam Carolla]

Baker, the touchdown maker. He was also part of the Heisman.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sorry. Just. There's some really sharp yips in my headphone. The dogs. It sounded like two dogs were fighting. That was weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Baker, the makeup, special effects. Yes, yes, yes.

[Allison Rosen]

How dare you?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes. I got it.

[Allison Rosen]

Paul Schrader wrote Taxi Driver for God's sake.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? So you're talking to those dudes. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

I got to talk to Al Pacino. I got to talk to. I got to talk to Catherine O'Hara for like an hour.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

She shut up griller about great ass. Who is that? Is that. Is that Al commenting on Catherine? Yeah. So, like. So that part of it for me was really, really fun.

[Adam Carolla]

And I wonder when the dust settles in a few years on who actually won the Oscar or not. If just kind of being. It's sort of, I don't know, an.

[Bald Brian]

Honor to be nominated.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, it's been, what, four or five years since Ruben stuttered and Clay Aiken. I think most people think Clay Aiken won American Idol at this point.

[Bald Brian]

I actually did.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Five years from now, everyone's gonna think Clay Aiken won it. So maybe just being out on the campaign trail makes people think, oh, yeah, Pat, he had an Oscar. He got nominated.

[Allison Rosen]

The thing about the Oscars is. And all my friends that are so down on them and go, oh, the Oscars, they're such crap. And it's all. But the whole point of the Oscars, the whole point that they were, was to get people talking about and be interested in movies. And in that respect, they've done their job spectacularly. Because every time that people announce the oscars and there's 9 million articles and 10 million conversations about, well, this person should have been nominated. The people that were nominated this year were all really great. I know that a lot of good people didn't get nominated, but then really, really great people got. I mean, Damien Brashear for a better life that he was. He could not have been more of a. He was a long shot that dark horses thought were a long shot. That's how, you know. So they. For as much as they get wrong, they think they get a lot of stuff right. And they keep people arguing and talking about film. And that's why you do it.

[Adam Carolla]

And Reitman working with Jason. Reitman had to be just awesome. Cause he's such a nice dude.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you met Jason?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I've been to a few of his school dance parties. You never been to school dance parties?

[Allison Rosen]

I have never been. Oh, wait a minute. He told me about those. No, I've never been to one of them. I go to screenings at his house every week. He does screenings?

[Adam Carolla]

He used to. I think he worked for the man show for a season. And he's just. He's super talented.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And a really cool dude. I mean, I found him to be a really good dude.

[Allison Rosen]

He is super enthusiastic about things, like, just likes doing stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. His dad. Not so much. His dad has yelled at me a few times.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, what were you doing, though? Maybe he needed to be yelled at.

[Adam Carolla]

I was trying to break into his car.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, okay, then. You know what? Then there you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, me and Kimmel were writing a script with him and he, you know, he did one of those. He's one of those guys. I don't know if you've been to the Reitman estate up there across from Oprah's place or not.

[Allison Rosen]

I haven't been to the dad's place, but I've been to Jason's a bunch. I've been to Ivan women's place.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll. I'll say this about the dad's place. Okay. When Oprah bought her place up in Montecito and Mendocino. Was it Montecito? Montecito. And she paid $55 million for her place. And you have to kind of do that math, like settle in. Like if you've been in an $8 million house, that's pretty fucking nice.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Like when you see. And you see what 8, 9, $10 million gets you, that's. Holy shit. Now you go $55 million.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's. Holy fuck. And when I said to ivan, but.

[Allison Rosen]

For 55, how much better can 55 million, right?

[Bald Brian]

Is it just 8 million, but much bigger?

[Allison Rosen]

It's or they're like, are there things where you could go, I could be born in this house and never leave it and still live a full life right there could be.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, I will see as much as people that travel the world if I just stay inside.

[Adam Carolla]

And I will grow to nine feet tall because the ceilings are so high.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I won't.

[Adam Carolla]

You can see the. By the way. Oprah's estate. $58 million. By the way, when I said to Ivan, what do you think about Oprah's place for $58 million? He said, My place is a little nicer and gave it afterward. And I was like, okay, so now we're talking 65 million or whatever. And he also owes. Owns the ex Shaws sisters whatever place up top. That's his. The other state is his workplace. But anyway, Ivan's a busy man.

[Allison Rosen]

If I did that, here's what I would do. I would live up in the Shaw's sister's place above my house, make my house my office every morning, get up in the main house, have breakfast. I would build a gigantic water slide that would shoot me down from my house into my office, where I would then come out of the pool and just start writing. That's how I'd start every workday.

[Adam Carolla]

It would be Patton on a zip line with a cape flowing. Cape flowing.

[Bald Brian]

Super patent.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And as I sailed down towards my laptop, I would yell, these hands have Been touched by God. And the neighbors would hear that and go, oh, he's writing again.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, instead he just has a golf cart to get him from one state to the next. But anyway, I've found that when guys are super rich and have a lot on their plate, when they give you notes on a script, they want them implemented the next time they see you. Because they're not really implemented.

[Allison Rosen]

They're not inviting debate.

[Adam Carolla]

They're not inviting debate. And they don't have a lot of time. And they certainly don't have time to mince words with guys from the man show who aren't implementing their notes. There was a lot of Ivan yelling.

[Allison Rosen]

At us, hey, you know what? I'm going to take Ivan's side. Because if I was Ivan and he gave you notes and you guys would just go, show me your notes. Stripes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, where's your stripes? Literally stripes. Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

So what happened with that script?

[Adam Carolla]

They still own it.

[Allison Rosen]

It became the Help, which has been nominated for. They got their names taken off it. There's a lot of rewrites. But it's weird. It became the Help.

[Adam Carolla]

Now the very. All I remember about it is the very first thing we pitched him in 2001 or 2002 was Jimmy was like a. A 33 year old virgin. And that's the story. And I was gonna get him laid and Ivan said, nobody's gonna buy a 33 year old virgin. And then three years later, the 40 year old virgin, seven years older.

[Bald Brian]

So it's totally different.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, Judd realized people like rounded numbers. They like nice rounded numbers. That's genius.

[Adam Carolla]

Should have done it. Anyway, enjoyed the movie immensely. And Charlize Theron was great. Great. And Pat was great. And Ivan Reitman just, just doesn't. Doesn't do wrong.

[Allison Rosen]

Jason Reitman.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry, Jason. Ivan. Well, Ivan doesn't either, but Jason, he made Jason. Yeah. I don't think, you know, Jason's movies range from good to extra scrum. Delicious. Good. Like he doesn't. He hasn't made a sticker.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Bald Brian]

That's what's in the middle.

[Allison Rosen]

If I were Jason, I would be so inside my own head right now, going by the laws of the universe. It's almost like if I were him, I would purposely make my next film awful just to get that out of the way.

[Adam Carolla]

He needs a Hudson Hawk in there just to get things right.

[Allison Rosen]

Or like some mad visionary thing where you go, this is the movie I've.

[Bald Brian]

Dreamed doing like the Passion of the Christ.

[Allison Rosen]

And it. But that Was an insane success. I mean, like the. The mad visionary thing that people just go, oh, dude, he's looking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, maybe at Howard I Duck.

[Allison Rosen]

A Howard the Duck. Yeah, he needs a Howard the Duck.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna do the Peter Marshall story. The Hollywood Squares are gonna do the whole Peter Marshall story. And we're gonna cast. And I'm telling you, CCH Pounder as Peter Marshall. And it's a ballsy choice. I'm gonna make it work.

[Adam Carolla]

Best musical anyone has ever seen. About a game show.

[Allison Rosen]

About a game show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'm reading here that somebody was. Somebody was filming your new act and you didn't dig it. And I want to know, because I do a lot of shows now, and I see people standing there holding their phones, filming me, and I'm not sure whether to like, say, hey, knock it off, or thank you, or what. I don't know what to do.

[Allison Rosen]

If I've. If I've already put the album out or. If I put an album out, someone uploads like a track from the album, it's already out there, I can't do anything about it. But if I'm up there and I'm working on a new bit and it's not there yet, and that's why I'm up on stage doing the show at a club. At a club, or in this. In this case, at a little space, then, yeah, can I. Could you let me decide what version gets out there?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Not you. You know, And I even said when I started the bit, like, this is a very new bit. I'm very nervous about this. It was only the fourth time I'd done it. And. And. And like, having heard me say that, and then to go, oh, well, then I'm filming this, right? Like, it's so rude.

[Adam Carolla]

Should they. The real problem with them filming whatever it is you're doing is they keep filming it. When you say, excuse me, could you put. Then they just keep filming. And then you look like an ass wipe because you're yelling at them while.

[Allison Rosen]

They'Re filming you and Sarah Silverman's run into this. They film you and they keep going. Because what they. They don't care about, they want footage of you being angry, right? What they want is to post you going, look at this guy snapping and going nuts. And then it's. And then you look at the footage and it's someone going, I've asked you five times, please just don't. There was like this. I remember there was this footage and where you clicked, it was like Tom Hanks going nuts. And he's just walking on a beach with his wife. And there's some douche is like, they just want to go for a walk and talk. And this guy will not. Like, he's just shoving a camera in the face. And. And Tom Hanks is going, hey, you know, we asked you, like, three times, I just want to have a walk here with my wife. Why are you doing this? Like, this is really rude, right? And the guy just will not put his camera down. And so a. Tom's not going nuts. He's just going, why are you being such a psycho? And you realize the guy is just trying to, like, please throw a swing at me. Something. Something.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. You know, I've often said nobody feels sorry for celebrities. And even though that's not a great interpretation of the law, that's the bottom line. Like, when you say to people, why is this not ille. It should be illegal. You shouldn't be able to invade someone's privacy. And by the way, for profit, because I'm gonna sell it to tmz. So you shouldn't be able to do this. And it would be illegal except for your celebrity. And the answer, sort of nobody feels sorry for celebrities. But when.

[Allison Rosen]

But people. People confuse what being a celebrity means. Especially, let's say you're an actor or a comedian. I'm not on all of the time. I'm not constantly doing my act. I. My. Doing my. Doing my comedy is a job. I do it in the evenings. I go do my set. And then during the day, like anyone else, I try to go live my life. So don't we get to decide when we do our job? That's like, again, you filming me going, hey, you're a celebrity. That'd be like me going, well, if you're a plumber, come over to my house right now and just. I know that you're not working, but, hey, you're a plumber. You decided to be a plumber, so get over here now. I'm deciding when you work.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the whole thing. Thing. It's like athletes. These guys happen to be blessed physically, so they make a profession where they can make $20 million a year versus $9 an hour working at a supermarket. So they choose that. And then everyone says, well, they chose it. They chose it. Like, it's this. You brought it on yourself because you have a sense of humor. Or you brought it on yourself because you're a power forward in the NBA. No, this. This is my profession.

[Allison Rosen]

And also, I mean, an athlete, yes. Maybe you're blessed with some talent, but someone who makes it as an athlete is someone who then applies work and sacrifice to the base of talent that they have. I had a tiny crumb of comedic talent that I then worked for 25 years so that I could do it as a professional.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, now it's a crouton.

[Allison Rosen]

And now it's. Well, now I would say. Yeah, I would. It's almost a crouton.

[Adam Carolla]

It's almost a crouton.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

And maybe with some Parmesan in there, too.

[Allison Rosen]

Breadcrumb, I can pile caponata on top of it. And you'll make it seem even bigger.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

But, yeah, it's that idea that. Yeah, that again, it's almost like it's an accusation. Hey, you chose this as if you chose the wrong door.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And now you must be punished.

[Allison Rosen]

I dedicated and took a lot of risks to do something that I kind of love and I want to keep doing it.

[Adam Carolla]

And what now? So as far as Patton Oswalt goes now, if you'd been nominated, then your star would have gotten that much bigger and there would have been many more people who wanted to know what you were doing in the comic book store on Melrose.

[Bald Brian]

You wouldn't be here with us on a Tuesday.

[Adam Carolla]

You wouldn't be here with us. So the question is, what do you hope for? Because there's this feeling in the profession of just move forward and just bigger and better and see what else we can do next year in the upcoming months.

[Allison Rosen]

But I think that's a really bad way to think about things. It is not a constant straight line of bigger and better. You know this. There's ups and downs and you have good times and bad. I just want to keep working at things and trying to create new things. Some of those things are going to fail. Some of those things are going to. And I also just. I like random new experiences. Hey, I got to go do this Jason Reitman movie now. Why don't. You're getting an offer to go do this thing that's totally unlike. Okay, let's go do that. Like, why. Why not have a variety of experience if you're offered it.

[Adam Carolla]

Has the movie young Adult opened up doors for acting that weren't. Yes, yes.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, there's been a lot of very good offers, a couple of which I've taken and a couple of which I've turned down. I mean, what happens is if you do one thing well, then there's a lot of, well, hey, how about you do that in this thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Allison Rosen]

You're kind of like, well, I sort of did that in the other thing, so maybe, you know, so that's a little. That can be for. But I mean, like, I'm. I'm like, still a minor D list. I can't imagine what someone like a Will Ferrell or a Tom Hanks goes through with the. Having to constantly battle the. I want to keep doing creative. I mean, at the end of the day, being recognized. When you go into a restaurant and, you know, maybe having a couple more perks they get. They're not as. They're not nearly as exciting as when you actually do work and you take a risk and it pays off. That's what's the most fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I don't like to brag, but my independent movie the Hammer kicked the door wide open to doing podcasts. I don't think I could have got my foot in the podcast door had I not starred in my movie.

[Allison Rosen]

Most people that when they want to start a podcast, they'll go do it, start a couple movies, and then come talk to us.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. That's.

[Allison Rosen]

See what happens.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the only phone call.

[Allison Rosen]

I. I mean, now, here's what's really. Here's what's really frustrating, though, for all of the annoying, like, someone that films you and that is like 0.0001% of the fan base. Most people out there are the nicest. They're supportive, they're great. Most quote unquote, celebrities, actors, comedians, musicians, 99% of them are great. They just want to do their work, then go live their life. Then there's that horrible 1%. They do want to be photographed all the time. They do tell their publicist to call the paparazzi and catch them coming out of clubs with these, you know, weirdly dressed, awesomely like Danny. Where'd that come from? So there's that kind of. I remember I was outside of a restaurant and I was going in there to buy. I wanted to get a gift certificate for the restaurant for a friend of mine for his birthday. It's this really nice restaurant. And. And there were all these black SUVs outside, all this paparazzi. And. And I walked in, I was like, what is. And I knew that. I knew the. The manager was like, what's going on tonight, man? He goes, oh, we got any name? These two huge actresses were both having dinner at different tables with other friends. I was like, oh. And because I knew that he. They'd had to fire two other valet parking services because the valet guys would call paparazzi. So they got. I go, oh, I go, do you gotta. Did your valet guys do this? He goes, no, their publicist totally set this up.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

And they're gonna go out and act like, oh, my God, the paparazzi Nazi that we arrange to have here.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Well, I hate that. And I feel the same way you feel about it.

[Allison Rosen]

It's what makes the dumb part of the public go. That's what these celebrities all want.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

No, 99% of us don't.

[Bald Brian]

I feel like we should get a hint as to who they are.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Even a hint.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'll just think about people you don't want to say.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll think one of them was Mayor McCheese. The.

[Adam Carolla]

There's times when I think, God, I can't believe that douchebag would do something like that. And then there are times when I think, it's a business. They're smarter than I am. I mean, they're more business savvy than I am. I know you hate them and you should hate them, and I hate them too. But after all, if we were talking about selling aluminum siding, those guys would be better than us, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, yes. No, because you're. I think you're confusing business savvy with pathology. There is. There's nothing wrong with ambition and keeping your name out there. Something like that. But then that slips into pathology when it's people that want to be photographed. When I certainly want people talking about me. If I've done something and want to promote the thing I've done. But I don't want to. I just don't want to be in a magazine for eating a sandwich.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

That gets to be sad and pathetic, by the way. Does that make sense?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. No, I understand. And yes, you picking up dry cleaning is not an achievement.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it's.

[Adam Carolla]

So why do we need to see what you look like picking up dry cleaning? And I agree there are other things. Yes. You want to promote. You come out with a movie, you come out with a book, you come out with a stand up special.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm just as big of a fan of movie stars and rock stars as anyone else, but I want to see the work they do. I don't care about them. Oh, he's picking up after his dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

What about another book? When's the next book?

[Allison Rosen]

I'm working on one now. I mean, hopefully I'll turn it in at the end of the summer. I had a lot of fun writing the. Are you writing another book?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I am.

[Allison Rosen]

How far along would you say you're in it?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm almost done. I think I'm about done.

[Allison Rosen]

I think you're about done.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, the reason I say that is because it's just a compilation of.

[Allison Rosen]

Stories from your life.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. From my life? Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

From, like, what period of your life would you say it was from?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, actually, my entire life, But I thought it was a pretty interesting way. Mike lynch had this idea, which is sort of from zero to now. And we thought, well, how do we break this up? And Mike said, you've lived in, like, 17 places. You lived in your crappy valley houses. You had your first apartment. You've rented your house. Each chapter should have the house you were in, a little picture and the square footage and. And what you did. And it's all about the same amount of time, you know, I had. Each chapter is about the same length. And I lived in these apartments, and I lived with my stripper girlfriend in this apartment. I had all my roommates in that apartment. Then it was my first house. My mom had, you know, that kind of stuff. So it's all. All houses. Yeah, I thought it was. I thought it was a really good idea.

[Allison Rosen]

Series of houses. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. In crappy apartments. And you can see chronologically as the places get better, you know, life is getting better.

[Allison Rosen]

And then the COVID is gonna be you in wraparound shades, and it's gonna be called the Cribs Got Bigger. That'll be the name of the. It'll be called Can't Stop My Crib Growth.

[Adam Carolla]

This is. This is one of. This is my mom's $10,000 house in North Hollywood. And the thing.

[Allison Rosen]

And over your left shoulder, that's your strip of girlfriend right there. Yeah, she was old.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, back then they liked veterans with veteran moves when they used to do the Oscars.

[Allison Rosen]

Very patriotic dance.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. They wanted to know there was at least some time in Korea.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing I forgot about that house that I grew up in is it had two front doors nine inches apart. And I never thought that was weird. I just noticed that it has a front door to the right and a front door to the left.

[Allison Rosen]

In case you want to do, like, a fun Scooby Doo chase and, like, go in between the doors.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, that. And there's a kid standing in the middle with a Nerf ball and.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. What's he. What's his deal?

[Adam Carolla]

His name is David.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he's got a lot of hands on him.

[Adam Carolla]

He. Well, he was. He had. He was what you call hyperactive.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

And he ended up joining the Army.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

And he went to Korea, and he came home with a little gal by the name of Mitsuki. Mitsuk and her mom.

[Allison Rosen]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

And as it turns out, Mitsuk and her mom and he were all living in the same apartment. And it's certain point Mitsuk was out turning tricks and mom was doing the. She was doing the pimping.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, and did he know this?

[Adam Carolla]

He found out at some point.

[Allison Rosen]

It was like the worst episode of MASH ever.

[Adam Carolla]

He became a sheriff.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Or one of the best.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he had six or seven kids. Mitsuk and mama may have went back to Korea, and one of the kids got shaken a little too much by the babysitter, and it's never going to be right again. Other than that, the kid landed on his feet.

[Allison Rosen]

Happy story.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You said he went to Korea. Were they fighting with Korea at the time, or did he just go there on his own recognizance?

[Adam Carolla]

I just wanted to score.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going to go make sure everything's still. We don't know. I mean, they tell us it's okay, but we don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that's the book. That's the latest book.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that's the one that's coming out.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the one that's coming out.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a cool title.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's called Not Taco Bell material, which was.

[Bald Brian]

It'll be released on May 15th.

[Adam Carolla]

Basically. Basically a story of me putting. Applying at the Taco Bell in North Hollywood and then saying, thanks, but no, no thanks.

[Allison Rosen]

And this was. That was like a year after you'd done the podcast. They were just like, yeah, this is.

[Adam Carolla]

Gonna season one of the Man Show. And they're like, sorry, we don't hire basic cable celebrities.

[Allison Rosen]

Then you sit there and fume while Tim Allen walked in and just swooped the job away from you.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a North Hollywood Taco Bell.

[Allison Rosen]

No kidding.

[Adam Carolla]

And I walked over there from my house, which was very close by, when I was in the 10th grade of North Olivet High. And I said, I'd like to work here. And they said, fill out this application. I came back the next day and they went, I think we're good. My first impulse is like, I'm white. You have to hire me. Yeah, no, no, sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

We can't have you working our caulking guns.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. You are not fit to squirt bean paste into a tortilla.

[Bald Brian]

We don't have hair nets. Big enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. We have certain standards as to who's gonna shoot the sour cream out of the Goo Gun and we just don't think you're up to that. Yeah, sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Not Taco Bell material. And I just thought. I don't know, I thought that'd be a good title for the book.

[Allison Rosen]

I love that. I wonder if that manager is like somewhere now he's like the guy that passed on the Beatles and they wanted, like when they. They wanted. Who was the guy that did the. The song Telstar, that the. Joe Meek. He was this British producer and the Beatles were like, we want you to produce us. He's like, no, sir. You guys are terrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that, that is really the story I want told. I want a collection of those stories. Like the guy. I mean, because we all love the schadenfreude of it. Like they, they just had the guy on the news who had the Apple stock back in the day. Like, he was. He was like the fourth. He was the Murray, the K or the Pete Best or something like that of Apple. Apple and ironically Apple and Apple Records. But they said to him, like, look, would you like, you know, 10% of Apple or would you like $1200? You know, and he's like, I'll take the 1200.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that was.

[Adam Carolla]

And then they do the. That stock today would be worth $200 billion.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, hey, when James Earl Jones did Star wars, knocked it out in a day. And then they said, well, we can give you like, you know, $7,000 or you can get like 0.0005% of this movie goes. You can give me the sip. Like, I know what you guys are trying to do. When he came back for Empire, he's like, remember that thing about the. Yeah. And then to George Lucas credit, I think he gave everyone like half a point in the movies from that point on. So they're all fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Just. Those are the stories I would like to. I'd like told because the.

[Bald Brian]

All the people who didn't believe in general.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but I mean, I remember working with Kimmel many years ago and somebody said, we want you to do a radio. Me? Yeah, we'd like you, Adam Carolla in 1998 or seven or something to do a radio show. And I said, how about I do a show with this guy Jimmy Kimmel and we do it together. And he said, he's a behind the scenes guys. Not. He's not. He's a producer type, but he's not talented. We don't want him in the show. We want you in the show. He can produce the show. You know, he can sharpen the pencils and cut the tape and book the show, but he can't be on air. Yeah, just that. Just those moments, those things.

[Allison Rosen]

Fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

It's great, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Or like when. When. When Dustin Hoffman and Gene Hackman were at the Pasadena Playhouse and they got. Basically got fired. There's like. You can stay and build sets and do stuff like that, right? No way. You're doing Playhouse. They had, like, the two greatest actors.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my point. I would find that kind of documentary or bio much more interesting than the guy who just.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe that's your third book. A collection not even of you, but of other people's stories. And just called I'll show you bastards. And then all the people that they could have had the best guy and they blew it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Take that, Patton Oswalt, by the way, young adult pre order it, by the way, on dvd, on Amazon. If you're gonna get something from Amazon, what do you do, people? You click through our website, you go down crawl, you hit the Amazon banner, and that way we get a little love.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

I tell people. It's like if the Paul Newman salad dressing was exactly the same price as the generic brand, you have a choice. Get the Newman, help the kids.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like Adam says, pay it backwards.

[Adam Carolla]

Pay it backwards, please.

[Allison Rosen]

Pay it backwards. Right to me.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Patton's got to leave fairly soon. How many minutes you got here?

[Allison Rosen]

I can hang out a little bit longer.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to play a little?

[Allison Rosen]

Way more fun than I thought.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to play with me? Totally. I love Pat. You know what I love about Patton? He's just a humble guy and such a complimentary guy. Oh, I mean it. I. I ran into you, I think, backstage at Upright Citizens Brigade Theater or something, and you said something very nice about my movie to me, and it just. It made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside.

[Allison Rosen]

It was so good.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't have to repeat.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it was. It's a. That's. Again, that's one of those great movies that's gonna have a nice following of people. They're like, yeah, it's a great. It's. And it happens all the time. Great movies come out and nobody sees them, and it's very frustrating.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Ask Dust. You ever see that Dustin Hoffman film, Short Time?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God. Like, he had. He sued the studio because they buried it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

It's like one of the best films he ever. He should have gotten an Oscar for that. That it's. And they buried it.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? I believe he should have got an Oscar for Pepe On. Yes. In Pepe on, he went from a young man to an old crazy guy. Oh.

[Allison Rosen]

And like, scary old crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

And like, we're talking to his pigs on an. On Devil's island. And with a weird tick. He had a tick going. And it was before all the special effects makeup and everything. Like, he. They just took Dustin Hoffman and they put. Put some talcum powder in his hair, and he was still. He aged himself through his performance, and he got all weird and ticking. He was talking to the pigs and stuff. And he turned out. And Steve McQueen should have got something for that, too, because they both got really old. Great Dustin Hoffman film.

[Allison Rosen]

The scene where he's in solitary for so long just losing his mind was kind of amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

He looks like Ray.

[Adam Carolla]

It was. Looks like my buddy Ray. Yeah. I'll tell you, if you haven't seen Pepillon, please do yourself a favor. Man, that is epic, that film. All right. We should play a little Totally topical TiVo trivia. Let me give a little love to Go to my PC. You gotta get this pen. You got an iPhone, iPad.

[Allison Rosen]

I got an iPhone.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Wouldn't it be nice you could access. Let's say you're on the road because you go on the road a lot.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yes. I travel a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

And you got your home computer or work computer. You just took your zip line down to the office.

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

And you want to act. So you got on your zip line and you went to your office. And you want to get something off your home computer. Well, you can use the Go to My PC app for your iPhone.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Everything? You can get anything you want off your computer. And not only get it off there, but you can work on files and start files and do anything you want.

[Bald Brian]

Zip lining.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't have to go into weird rages on airplanes when I can't access my computer and get tasered by an air marshal ever again.

[Adam Carolla]

Ever again.

[Allison Rosen]

Because of this app.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow. Wow. That's.

[Adam Carolla]

Finally go to my PC app, brought to you by Citrix. Go to my PC and you can try it free for 45 days. And look, I don't know where we're at with this.

[Allison Rosen]

How are they making money?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they're not, obviously. Obviously, they bought into this whole Mayan calendar thing and they're just giving it away. They're like, fuck, we're all going to be gone in 39 days. So let's give the suckers 45 days.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's just get short term whore money and then we're out.

[Adam Carolla]

We're going out, we're getting coke and whores. Because according to the calendar and you know, Mayans, that's just good science. Just solid science right there. Yeah, that's probably why they're giving it away. Yeah. 45 days, a free trial. Only if you use the promo code as adam visit gotomypc.com click on the try it free button. And remember, use the promo code Adam. All right, should we do a little Totally topical TiVo trivia? This is as read from the TiVo description of the movie minus the name of the actors and actress.

[Allison Rosen]

Got it.

[Adam Carolla]

Your name out.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

When you think you may know the movie. Brian is unbelievable at this and I'm terrible at it.

[Announcer]

Topical T trivia time today.

[Adam Carolla]

Now what's my name?

[Announcer]

Because five wins. And your name is Pete.

[Adam Carolla]

Pete.

[Bald Brian]

Because see, now we got Pete and Patton.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam is too soft and I would do a lot of. And Brian would yell Brian. And. And he'd take. He'd take it.

[Allison Rosen]

You should say, Kirk, you've got a lot of hard concert Kirk. A gunshot.

[Bald Brian]

I've got Allison. Which is soft except.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but your game is soft.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, it's true.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, here we go.

[Announcer]

A hip Detroit detective.

[Adam Carolla]

Turk.

[Announcer]

I heard Brian.

[Bald Brian]

I heard Turk.

[Announcer]

Hills cop from 1984. Yeah, I did. I don't think Kirk is going to.

[Allison Rosen]

Work four years the Detroit.

[Adam Carolla]

Evidently not with. First off, who pays you, Kirk or Brian? Nobody. You heard. You heard Brian. When I yelled Kirk. I heard Kirk.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sorry. This is how Gaddafi played games at the palace.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, who.

[Allison Rosen]

Who pays you? All right, then I win.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm put you in a burlap sack and throw you off the roof. My two sons do that later on. I swear to God that was fucking me. Fire you and burn down your freaking house. Brian. Oh, hold on a second. Brian's got one. Surprise surprise. Anyone else in that room think Brian got. Is there a tape?

[Patton Oswalt]

We don't take this.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right, all right. Here we go.

[Announcer]

A water boys temper tantrums. The water boy from 1998.

[Adam Carolla]

God, I have his riding pants.

[Bald Brian]

All right, quit cheating.

[Announcer]

A racist prison guard has an intense affair.

[Allison Rosen]

Patton.

[Announcer]

Patton.

[Allison Rosen]

Monsters Ball from 2001.

[Adam Carolla]

Patton's on the board. Patton's on the board.

[Allison Rosen]

You had me at racist.

[Announcer]

Okay, an over 30 ex quarterback gets to play as a freshman.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian Kirk.

[Patton Oswalt]

Necessary roughness from 1991.

[Allison Rosen]

Scott Bakula.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Announcer]

Teenage California Buddy. These Grian Balint's excellent adventure groom a thawed out caveman. Kirk.

[Adam Carolla]

Kurt. Got it. Valley dude.

[Bald Brian]

Allison. Oh, you're next. Well, Patton, you're next.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, am I next? I heard Allison.

[Bald Brian]

Well, I think he might have already done before.

[Allison Rosen]

Encino man from 1992.

[Adam Carolla]

I had that one.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the film debut of Tenacious D. Oh, really? I think they. No, no, I think that's their debut together. Jack Black was up before that, I think. Oh, I'm probably wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

God damn it.

[Announcer]

Selected for a human hibernation project, Brian Idiocracy from 2006.

[Allison Rosen]

Did he just win?

[Adam Carolla]

Probably. In fact, four.

[Allison Rosen]

Four.

[Announcer]

One more.

[Allison Rosen]

Got a rally here.

[Announcer]

Two veteran NYPD detectives confront a gangster who is obsessed with sports memorabilia in order to retrieve an invaluable baseball card.

[Patton Oswalt]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Shit.

[Patton Oswalt]

Oh, Brian. It's not Mad Dog and Glory.

[Adam Carolla]

No, Kirk. Yes. Kirk.

[Allison Rosen]

Boy, that was confidence.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Windy City Heat.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh.

[Announcer]

It'S cop out from 2010.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God.

[Announcer]

Oh, a Russian immigrant mouse.

[Adam Carolla]

Kirk. Ratatouille.

[Patton Oswalt]

No, Brian.

[Announcer]

Brian.

[Patton Oswalt]

American Tail.

[Announcer]

That's the game.

[Allison Rosen]

That wasn't rushing.

[Bald Brian]

You fell into their trash.

[Adam Carolla]

I just thought maybe they were throwing something. Game.

[Allison Rosen]

This is my life.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You know, I love.

[Announcer]

Tune in for more totally topical TiVo.

[Bald Brian]

See, I keep wanting them to do this with TV shows instead of movies.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's do it with TV shows.

[Bald Brian]

We'll never.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what, Pat? And that was merciful. We just got it over with. Normally we struggle and it gets down to the end, and then he beats me at the end. But that was merciful.

[Allison Rosen]

That was so. That. Yeah, that was. Let's just put him down quick.

[Patton Oswalt]

The brain tumor is working in reverse now. It's actually making the brain grow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

I love when. When you're reading a TiVo description and you can sort of get a glimpse of the personality of the person that wrote it. Like how they feel about the film.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

And sometimes it's very, very subtle. There was one. It was a description of one of The Friday the 13th movies is either four or five. And I'm not kidding. The description was, Jason Voorhees slaughters yet another group of campers. Like, so it's the word yet. And then another. Is that these fucking movies? God damn it.

[Adam Carolla]

You can hear the exhale.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. They should be allowed to put in parentheses, a sigh. Jason Voorhees guy slaughters yet another group.

[Adam Carolla]

We have some news. We have some question. Why don't we do. Why don't we roll into a little bit of news, and Pat can jump in on that.

[Announcer]

The News with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

She read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison, Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off.

[Allison Rosen]

If it can't get Allison, Allison.

[Bald Brian]

Food allergies are in the news.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Bald Brian]

Because there's a story that has come out that says that they are not as rampant as people think they are.

[Adam Carolla]

What I owe everyone. No, wait a minute. I was right.

[Bald Brian]

Research shows that as many as 20% of people claim to have a food allergy, but the truth is that only about 3 to 4% really do.

[Allison Rosen]

But the people that claim it, do they still say they suffer from symptoms or is it totally psychosocial?

[Bald Brian]

Well, they. The thing is, there's a difference between food intolerance and true food allergies. And a number of people have an intolerance, which is like when your gastrointestinal tract is messed up so you can have nausea or you can have diarrhea or things like that, versus when it's coming from immune system, which is an actual allergy. Plus, reactions to food can change over time, and various symptoms are sometimes mistakenly attributed to food when they really stem from something else. Here's a weird thing though. It's. It says that some life threatening food allergies do appear to be on the rise. For example, a 2010 report comparing surveys of U.S. households found a steady increase in allergies to peanuts and tree nuts in children. The reasons for the trend aren't clear, but I'm thinking if they've already established that people are misdiagnosed, then how can they trust that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And also, if you tell a kid anything, they'll take it and run with it. So you tell them they're allergic to peanuts, they'll announce they're allergic to peanuts. And it also almost becomes even though. And I have to explain, I'm gonna explain to my kids, don't announce you're a puss. You know what I mean? Cause I mean, there's people that go, I don't. I can't eat that, or I can't. And all I think, I just think puss when I hear them say that.

[Allison Rosen]

So how should they say it?

[Bald Brian]

They should, oh man, I had so much milk this morning already.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they go, look, I got a syringe full of adrenaline here. I'm gonna eat this peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and then I want you to jam it into My ne. Okay. Cause I'm definitely not a boy.

[Allison Rosen]

My wife, the one thing that drives her nuts are these. She goes, these especially. A lot of actresses do this. They suddenly get wheat allergies when they're on the. Oh, yeah, I can't eat wheat anymore. Just say you're cutting out carbs. Don't. Suddenly. Suddenly everyone has celiac disease. Out of nowhere, like, come on. And some people do have it, and it's very, very serious. But just say you're dieting. It's okay.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, I'd say half the people I know have it right now. Exactly right now.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the Gl people.

[Allison Rosen]

It's because it's a way of saying I'm cutting out carbs.

[Adam Carolla]

You say you're cutting out carbs.

[Allison Rosen]

I get it.

[Adam Carolla]

Said this one million times. I've worked construction with poor Mexicans from the Valley my whole life. And every once in a while, when the boss man went on a lunch run, there were no. Hold on, Listen. I got a thing going on with soy. So I don't know if you're planning. I don't know where you're going. I don't know if we're going for smoothies or we're going Greek, but. Or There was no gluten allergies. There was no nut allergies. Apologies. Nobody's lactose intolerant. No. Poor people that work super hard for a living. There was nothing that was not on their. No. There was nothing on their no fly list. They had nothing. You brought back whatever, they ate it. End of discussion.

[Allison Rosen]

I gotta. This is. Okay. This is gonna. This is sort of weirdly related, I would say. Or not. I would make it really quick. We moved into a new house last year, and we didn't really hire a lot of movers. We tried to do as much of it ourselves that we could to save some money. We got the movers for the big stuff, but then also, we're just hauling it up. And so for three days, I'm just hauling stuff and moving it around the house and unpacking stuff. And I have trouble sleeping at night. Sometimes I'm lying there, my brain is. Those three days of working, dawn to dusk, I'd be asleep. It solved all of my psychological problems. Those nights I would be out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

It was like that. The body, exhausted. Exhaustion. It just. It cleared up all the mental things.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I think we. Well, that again, we are stewing in our own mental juices and creating. I've always thought, as a human being, we're hardwired to sort of have a foe, you know, and it's fight or flight. And there's a bunch of stuff that's just in our reptilian brain that's never gonna go away. Maybe it'll be washed out in 2 million more years, but for now it's still there. And we don't have saber toothed tigers to run from anymore and we don't really have any real physical threats. So thus we must take things like terrorism. And the chances of you dying in terrorist activities are about the same as you dying from a lawn dart that is.

[Bald Brian]

That is blown from the 1970s.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That got thrown up in the air in the 70s and hasn't. Hasn't. And no, that's been thrown by. I don't know why, but I. Paul Williams. Paul Williams, the actor? Yeah, Paul Williams and singer. Yeah, he looked up. Paul Williams was in a. Was in a movie. It was a Brian De Palma movie, I think, called Phantom of the Paradise. Phantom of the Paradise.

[Patton Oswalt]

Oh, that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And Paul Williams looked like a young Jodie Foster. Oh, wow. Exactly the same. You'll see Paul Williams and a good songwriter. But anyway, great songwriter, great songwriter. So chances of you dying from a lawn dart that Paul Williams threw is about the same thing you have with terrorists. But that's Jody. If you see. If you see a 13 year old Jody Foster, you will see Paul Williams.

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly.

[Patton Oswalt]

And one of the bad guys from Diamonds Are Forever.

[Adam Carolla]

So we. We need.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh no, I'm sorry. No, he wasn't. He's not one of the. But it's not him though.

[Adam Carolla]

We need to make up Smoking the Bandit, though. We need to create invisible things to attack us. We don't have. We live in houses with alarms and bars on the windows and deadbolts and heating and air systems. And we don't have anything really. And there's no volcanoes that are going off or anything. So we must.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh my God.

[Adam Carolla]

We must create. We must create something.

[Bald Brian]

It's an Epstein Barr.

[Adam Carolla]

Epstein Bar. Bar nuts. Invisible stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

Enemies from within. Like your body is rebelling against you. Because we. Maybe that's a new service that we should. Someone should do a service where for like a month we'll have people just randomly attack your home. And you cannot worry so much about the.

[Adam Carolla]

Seriously, you'll stop Black mold. Remember black mold?

[Bald Brian]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, mold has been around for 200 billion years. Like mold is the oldest thing on the planet. If we can't live with mold, we have to kill ourselves because it was here for 2 billion years.

[Bald Brian]

Before we got here, there was a magazine that I worked at in New York and there was an email that went around that, oh, you know, we found some black mold spores in a certain something or whatever. And to watch the hysteria spread through the little cubicle farm, it was all women, no offense. Two women. I am one. But people had to go work on different floors because they were nervous about it. Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Adam Carolla]

So when you put in a good day's work and you're working for 10 bucks an hour, and you're busting your ass and you're not sure if you're going to make rent this month, and you don't know where your next meal is coming from, and you're driving around a car that's not insured, that is. There's your mold spores.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, we should all aspire to that.

[Adam Carolla]

And those people don't care about mold and they don't care about being lactose intolerant because they have a modern version of real problems, that is their grizzly bear coming after them.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And when we get rid of all that stuff, we forget all about it and we start fucking with the mold and everything. But you go back to moving and you've gone back to this lifestyle, and you sleep that night.

[Allison Rosen]

I slept so well.

[Bald Brian]

So with a real food allergy, even a trace amount can cause symptoms, and in some cases, allergens, most often nuts, can trigger anaphylaxis, which is why you have to carry the EpiPen. And speaking of, I left my trash can out overnight and guess what I found in it in the morning?

[Adam Carolla]

An EpiPen.

[Bald Brian]

Dog poo. And a syringe.

[Adam Carolla]

And a syringe. Ooh, wait a minute.

[Bald Brian]

It makes me wonder what kind of diabetics are living near me.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh oh, that could have been me. My dog is diabetic. She has to get the shot every night.

[Bald Brian]

Yes, that must have been it.

[Allison Rosen]

So maybe they were out for a walk, dog to poo, got shot, and.

[Bald Brian]

Then they drove over to my place to throw it out.

[Allison Rosen]

Or they. Or they. Or they were walking by your place and they gave the dog an adrenaline and the dog fired out an adrenaline.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's true.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

It didn't look like nervous poo.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you poo yourself when you get adrenaline? Adrenaline is there poo.

[Bald Brian]

I don't think so. I think that you get scared shitless.

[Adam Carolla]

If you watch the Blu Ray of Pulp Fiction. Of Pulp Fiction, you'll see a defecation scene.

[Allison Rosen]

She goes herself.

[Adam Carolla]

She ruined Travolta's. The interior of His Ford Falcon. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Demi Moore was rushed to the hospital Monday night after having some kind of seizure.

[Adam Carolla]

Isn't everyone rushed to the hospital? Is there such a thing where if an ambulance driver goes, hey, you want to go through in and out? I don't know, the line's pretty long. I'm pretty hungry.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Demi Moore was driven at a reasonable speed with a stop at a Box Brothers to make a delivery.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to swing by and pick up my dry cleaning. Then in and out. Then I just want to go by my ex's apartment because I left some jeans over there. And then it's off to the hospital. So she was rushed to the hospital.

[Bald Brian]

After having a seizure of some sort. And the publicist is saying it was exhaustion. But various reports have come come out. One said she's anorexic. Apparently she's under £100 right now. And her friends have been very worried about her because she's lost a lot of weight since the breakup. And then it came out that it was drugs. And according to tmz, she was doing whippets.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Old school. I like that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I like that too. She's doing with.

[Bald Brian]

That's Poppers are.

[Allison Rosen]

But no, no poppers, that's a whole different thing. Whip. It's. Whippets are like you're sucking the, the no out of ready Whip.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, you're right. You're right. That is, that is, that is not gay. The popper. The amal Poppers are gay. The whippets are awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

Whippets are for, Whippets are for like 13 year old Judas Priest face in a parking lot.

[Bald Brian]

Not a common drug among people of Demi's age and social status.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe you know what? Maybe she was driving by a Taco Bell parking lot, saw a bunch of young kids, was like, they look like they're having a lot of fun. She's like, hey guys, you ever seen Ghost? Can I get one of those whippets?

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder if there's ever been a guy dumb enough or high enough to pull the lid off a Cool Whip and shove his face in there and go, oh, yeah. Yeah, I can feel it.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh. Oh, dude, I gotta sit down. I gotta sit down.

[Adam Carolla]

711 spinning.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, it's hitting me. By the way, have you ever. I, I, I've never met Demi, but I saw her at a, at a club one night. Under £100 is not. And she is really tiny.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

That is not anorexic for her. I'm sorry. It's not.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the, the whole thing Well, a couple things. It's gotta suck to be well pat. You know, this physically perfect all the time and constantly being judged on your physicality.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The pressure never ends.

[Allison Rosen]

I gotta count every rice cake. It's not fun, man.

[Bald Brian]

I bet you're like, my eyes are up here.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. Guys, please.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. Yeah. He's got three foot of Nutella in between the two rice cakes. But either way, it's counted. Counted as rice cake. Leaning tower of Nutella.

[Allison Rosen]

My torso looks like Walter Mattel's face. Not a well man.

[Adam Carolla]

So here you are posing and Ashton Kutcher's moving on, and you're getting up there in years, and everything is always based on the looks. And also, also, she is. Pat, you're not gonna know who I'm talking about, but Brian will appreciate this. She is the Wes reference. She's the Wes Welker of hot chicks.

[Patton Oswalt]

All right, let's hear it.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, here we go.

[Patton Oswalt]

She's a possession receiver.

[Adam Carolla]

No. I mean, yes, but no. There's a lot of guys in the league who are just physical phenoms. Sure. Do you know what I mean?

[Patton Oswalt]

In what league?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, football. Football. Talking about football football.

[Allison Rosen]

I thought you meant the Justice League.

[Adam Carolla]

American football. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. No, not the Justice League.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, damn it.

[Adam Carolla]

American Football. Yeah, there is. You know, I mean, there's guys, like, talk some names. Williams on. On.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yeah, Calvin Johnson.

[Adam Carolla]

Calvin Johnson. Will Williams. Or is it. Yeah, Williams on Detroit.

[Patton Oswalt]

You know, yeah, Calvin Johnson and. Yeah, the Moss back when he played with Russ Welker.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Patton Oswalt]

And the talent, physical skills.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. They're so big. They're so strong. They said, whatever. WES Welker is 180 pound, five foot seven and a half, five foot nine, white dude who relies on nothing but hard work. Nothing but discipline and nothing but whatever. He does not have the kind of raw talent that to Terrell Owens. Terrell Owens, just go out, jump up, take the ball away from somebody. Wesley Welker's busting his ass and there's.

[Allison Rosen]

Women, and he's the John Starks. Remember that guy in the. Yeah, I know that guy. He was sheer willpower. He had no height, but he was like, I'm going to outplay everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he was a Knicks guy, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Next guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

So also a Game of Thrones character.

[Adam Carolla]

They. He needs. She needs to constantly. Now, there's beautiful. There's Jessica Alba.

[Bald Brian]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Jessica Alba is the TO of hot chick. She's just born that way. She looks like that. She's cut differently. Her. Her neck's 4 inches longer than everyone else's. She's beautiful. Whatever. Demi Moore is not a beautiful woman. Traditionally. She has to work it.

[Allison Rosen]

You think so?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. She's not traditionally good looking. Like, I mean, she's attractive, but she's not.

[Bald Brian]

Have you seen Zayn Elmo's Fire?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I have. She's. Brian, please back me up here.

[Patton Oswalt]

It's a great analogy, except that it's wrong.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

From the get go, today, to me.

[Patton Oswalt]

More is not what she once was, but at her peak, a Few Good Men she was.

[Bald Brian]

And by the way, she's unconventionally.

[Adam Carolla]

She's working it. If she, if she ever gained 10 pounds, she'd be right out of the game. Fake boobs, skinny as hell, tan all the time, teeth white as hell.

[Bald Brian]

Just working it.

[Adam Carolla]

Just working it constantly. She's not a Charlize Theron.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Your co star. She's a. She's a beautiful. There are many women, they're just naturally beautiful. Demi Moore is not one of them. She's not super tall and long. Her nose is a little whacked out. I don't know if she had. I think she'd had a nose job and a boob job.

[Bald Brian]

They all have.

[Adam Carolla]

She didn't come out like, I'm hot.

[Patton Oswalt]

So it's more 2012.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

She works really hard to be.

[Allison Rosen]

If you want another sports analogy, Charlize reminds me of Andre the Giant and the Princess Bride when he's.

[Adam Carolla]

Me too.

[Allison Rosen]

He goes, look, it's not my fault. I don't. I don't exercise. I'm just strong. I'm the strongest guy on the planet.

[Adam Carolla]

Conceivable, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And she's like, I drink, I eat pizza, but this is how I look. I don't. It's not my fault. This is what I look like.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

I just.

[Adam Carolla]

I admit, she is the Tony Gonzalez of.

[Bald Brian]

Now. Where does Courtney Cox fit into all this?

[Adam Carolla]

Courtney Cox is much more naturally beautiful than Demi Moore is, but she still has a little bit of the work it.

[Bald Brian]

Well, I feel like you can see that she's had work done of late.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and maybe of late, but I'm just talking about Demi Moore at age 14 was not the hottest chick in her high school or junior high. That's what I'm saying. She works the shit out of it.

[Allison Rosen]

Didn't she drop out of high school to become a model? Like, she had so many modeling offers.

[Patton Oswalt]

The meteor of like ghost and all that.

[Adam Carolla]

Watch me use this one.

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but still.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, see, why aren't you on like Fox? More for that. Your arguing skills are amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

She had. I don't know who that one on the right is. Oh, Jess Galba.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Bald Brian]

She looks so blonde.

[Allison Rosen]

It's Michael Chiklis, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Find a picture of Jess Galba that 100 people can't tell it's Jessica. Never find a picture that looks like Jessica Alva. Could you tell that was Jessica Alva?

[Patton Oswalt]

That's a tall order.

[Allison Rosen]

No, of course not.

[Adam Carolla]

No. You can never find a picture Jessica. I think I.

[Bald Brian]

Maybe I already said this, but when I was living in New York, I had this very brief fling with. I was in my 30s, which I still am, and this guy who was in his early 20s. It was a stupid thing to do, but a friend of mine was like, this is never, ever, ever, ever going to work because you think you're not gonna get emotionally involved, but you are. And based on your age difference, there's just no, you just. You can't be the woman who's 10 years older. It just won't work. Look at Demi and Ashton. And even that's not like he predicted that that wouldn't work. Do you agree with that? That even if you're super duper hot, but you're older, the guy will want to be with someone in their 20s?

[Adam Carolla]

It's not even about the age difference. And yes, she may have dropped out tomorrow, but. But I think Demi Moore was always wildly driven. Had like a showbiz thing. I've seen bios on her and just she was one of this person who was 13, sort of white trash and said, I'm gonna be a star and nothing's gonna get my way. And I'm good looking, I'll make myself great looking. I'll fucking knock down every door in this town and tell I'm a star. She's like willed it. Like I don't even know how much talent she has as an actress and I don't even know how beautiful she is. She's made. She's got much more drive than she has anything else. And that's not putting her down. As far as guys, when you take really good looking guys and you send them abroad alone and chicks throw themselves at those guys, this is how it.

[Bald Brian]

Is for you, Patton.

[Adam Carolla]

We.

[Allison Rosen]

This is a warning for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Guys do not have the. We are not wired to shun pussy. We instead go out with a gill net trying to trap pussy. You spend your entire life trying to capture corner, lie and roofy. Overpower, Overpower.

[Allison Rosen]

This is Getting really dark. I mean, I don't know about the word overpower.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on.

[Allison Rosen]

That's going to be. That will be read out in court someday. May I refer you to episode.

[Adam Carolla]

Zip tie, Baling wire and duct tape. Pussy. And then at a certain point. Point you get on MTV or you get on whatever and you're traveling around and the starts getting fired at you from an air cannon. And you're not good at ducking. Am I right, Pat?

[Allison Rosen]

I just. Being fired from an. You're. It is like.

[Adam Carolla]

It's how they test jet engines.

[Bald Brian]

Is that like a drill?

[Allison Rosen]

It's, you know, it's like. It's like you. Here's what. Listen. You are like a meth addict that has stolen the idea of poetry. And you're just. You're doing donuts with it in a parking lot and you're burning out all the gears, and they're just like, would you please give us poetry back? But pussy out of a cannon. Oh, God. Oh, God, he threw a rod on that one.

[Bald Brian]

He's like a beat poet.

[Adam Carolla]

You, Alison, as a beautiful woman. Grow up. Women grow up saying, thanks, but no thanks, or I get it, or I can't go, no, I have a boyfriend. I can't go with you. Or we're pretty serious. Guys do not grow up with that muscle exercise very well. And thus, when they go out and the chicks start coming their way, they have a difficult time. When two really hot chicks say to you, would you like to get into a hot tub back at our place in Aspen? Guys aren't wired for, take your pussy, hit the bricks. I'm gonna go back to my room and quietly beat off in the shower.

[Allison Rosen]

I think it's this, it's that. I think maybe women have a little bit more of an imagination in that they can say, well, that guy wanted me. I could have done him that in somewhere in a time stream that is happening. Knowing that he wanted me is satisfying enough. Whereas a guy can't go, I know those two girls. Like, if. Unless it happened, it doesn't exist.

[Adam Carolla]

Patton, that is for a lot.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, it's that lack of imagination. Like, I gotta see it happen. Just, why don't you imagine it happening and then not have to give away your house and your wife and have your.

[Adam Carolla]

That is a no.

[Allison Rosen]

Gotta go.

[Adam Carolla]

That is a great point from a guy with high levels of circulating estrogen. And I mean it as a compliment because that's why you're able to speak this way. No, you're able to think as a woman.

[Bald Brian]

I'M sure he took. It's amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's like that scene in Glorious Basterds when Christoph Waltz says he can think like a Jew. You can think like a woman. That's a compliment. No, you're right. For a woman. If a celebrity does dude came on to them, it would be good enough or almost good enough for them to say George Clooney hit on me rather than I sucked off George Clooney out by the dumpster.

[Bald Brian]

It's actually better.

[Adam Carolla]

It's actually better. You go, because he hit on me. Good enough. Good enough. We're done. For a guy, it's a zero that this chick hit on us. Unless something flies out of our penis other than urine.

[Bald Brian]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Or in some cases that's actually. The urine's fine, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Urine's fine.

[Allison Rosen]

Depending if you're really, really fucked up.

[Adam Carolla]

So there's a sort of hypothetical world then. That's why when you guys have your sexual fantasies, which is always weird, like where you go like. And who are you fantasizing about? I don't know. I couldn't see his face in my fantasy. Like, guys jerk off specifically to people we've seen, people we've known, people who are in magazines. There's never like the fuzzy headed girl we beat off to where face is.

[Bald Brian]

I don't know. Yeah, no, you're right. It's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's.

[Bald Brian]

I. I don't know if this is how it is for all women, but it's usually some sort of just amalgam of like it's just like some guy.

[Adam Carolla]

And they have it.

[Bald Brian]

They have bits of part.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like they have dreams and you go, I had a sex dream. You go, who was it with? They go, I don't know. And it's like guys are like, I the receptionist for my work in the ass.

[Allison Rosen]

So how did your pitch to the own network go? Not good. Like, how did they hold.

[Adam Carolla]

Verbatim, basically, this is a transcript of.

[Allison Rosen]

And she was.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know if this is what we. Next on the Oxygen Network. Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam.

[Allison Rosen]

Carolla's hot cup of chamomile.

[Adam Carolla]

So kutcher, you know, he can do whatever he wants now she's doing whippets every now. And she's doing whippets.

[Bald Brian]

If that's true.

[Allison Rosen]

And I feel so bad, I hope he doesn't use that as like a weird like, hey, man, when I dump a girl, she ends up doing whippets and in the hospital.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

How devastating it is to leave me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

So speaking of penis. 50cent will tweet a picture of his penis if the Giants lose the super bowl, according to Twitter.

[Allison Rosen]

Because someone on that's going to motivate them.

[Bald Brian]

Yes. Okay. See, someone on Twitter, Doradora, at my best assets, said, let's bet if the Giants lose the super bowl, you must post your dick online. The Twitter. And then he said, okay, it's. Wait, where. Yeah, he said, okay, are you allowed.

[Adam Carolla]

To tweet your dick? I mean, are there rules?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I think it'll get taken down, but all he has to do is tweet it once, and then it exists on the Internet forever. He's only got to get it in there for a few seconds, and then. Then everyone's gonna, you know, that is.

[Bald Brian]

That is the abridged tweet. This one. Okay. She said, let's bet if the Giants lose the super bowl, you must post your dick on the Twitter. If they win, I'll post my boobs and face on here. Bet. And then he wrote back. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, she looks like she's doing all right. Dora over there. I'd like to explore those boobs. If I were 50 cent. This is where I call in ex porn star legend FM Bradley. Field Marshal Bradley, who has a large black piece Venus. And there's F.M. bradley. And nobody is gonna see a picture of a big black cock and go, that doesn't look like 50 cents black cock.

[Bald Brian]

Wait a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

That's almost racist.

[Bald Brian]

Bradley's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I recognize that cock from the 80s. I would just find a brother with a large penis and.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, now what makes you think that 50 Cent doesn't have one, though?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, even if he does, he doesn't want show his large penis.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, right.

[Adam Carolla]

You see what I'm saying? I'll tell you the guy you could get because I've seen this gu penis in the shower. The guy who played the guy from Major League who played first base.

[Patton Oswalt]

Pedro Serrano. The president.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the first. The guy was playing the big black dude from Major League.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yeah. He wasn't a first baseman.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, what was he?

[Patton Oswalt]

Pedro Serrano was the outfielder. The president. President Palmer.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, is that President Palmer?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Was he 24?

[Patton Oswalt]

He was back then. Yes, for the movie.

[Allison Rosen]

He was.

[Bald Brian]

Bomb commercial. That he does.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yes. He's Allstate guy.

[Bald Brian]

Yes, he was in Major League.

[Adam Carolla]

Major League. What do you do speak with, like, a Dominican accent? Given. Okay.

[Patton Oswalt]

He prayed to Jobu.

[Adam Carolla]

I. Oh, yeah, show me a picture of Major League. I played, like, a celebrity baseball game with that guy and made the mistake of hitting the showers with him afterward. Not a good call.

[Patton Oswalt]

Dennis Haysbert do not.

[Adam Carolla]

Dennis Haysbert do not want to stand.

[Allison Rosen]

You're saying he got the hose.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's what I'm saying.

[Patton Oswalt]

I'm not saying that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm saying it.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, you're. You're saying it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

If that's him, Allstate's got you covered. Whether you're hung like a telephone pole or just average.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying my ass needed comp and collision when I was in the shower with him. Because you were in good hands, by the way. I'm just saying, as a large man of color, he did not disappoint. That's all I'm saying.

[Allison Rosen]

What you're saying is, as a large man of color, he was very. He was very stereotypical. He was. He. He was. It was racist. What he was doing is what you're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

His penis was racist.

[Allison Rosen]

Penis was being very racist.

[Adam Carolla]

Stereotype.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Now, did you.

[Allison Rosen]

You could have called the aclu. Yeah, totally.

[Adam Carolla]

This is. This is perpetuation of this negativity. This is the reason why people think I'm menstrual. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Now, did you look out the corner of your eye, or did you just stare right at it? Right into the one eye?

[Adam Carolla]

It was.

[Bald Brian]

Do you make eye contact?

[Adam Carolla]

It was dudes showering after a game, and one of the dudes was a guy who I'd known, and I was surprised at just how undersized he was.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sorry, guys. There's no way you have a sample of Donald Sutherland saying, did the fire look at you from Backdraft? For this segment, you have every other sound cue on the planet. You can't going, did the fire look at you? Did it look at you?

[Adam Carolla]

I. I looked at this burnt offering, and first off, I thought to the guy who was standing next to him, like, hey, let's get some separation here. You know what I mean? Like you. Do you. I should stay in the middle of you, too. So people have a sort of a.

[Bald Brian]

Right. This is the scale.

[Adam Carolla]

They're gonna get the bends, right? Yeah. No one wants to get the bends in the shower with the Soriano pipe.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, anyway, I take a picture of his dork and put it. Tweet it out. If I'm 50 Cent, that's just me.

[Bald Brian]

It's smart. It's just smart.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

I feel like you should bet someone that you'll tweet a picture of your penis and then you do FM Bradley's penis and then think behind it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That's just good penis policy.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. So kids be Twitter smart when you're posting a package.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

And racial conscious.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yep.

[Bald Brian]

A Brooklyn teacher is trying to restrict students bathroom breaks to three times a week. She teaches fifth grade in the public school in Brooklyn and she made vouchers that say this coupon entitles students name to a trip to the bathroom. And they're allowed three a week. And if they. At the end of the week, you can turn in your unused vouchers for trinkets such as pencils and other things.

[Adam Carolla]

Catheters and things like that.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, exactly. Diapers.

[Allison Rosen]

Trucker buddies.

[Adam Carolla]

Are people spending too much time in the car like they have problems?

[Bald Brian]

No, I think that that was weird how I scratched my nose right when you said that.

[Allison Rosen]

I bet they do. What I did is you take your bathroom break and you really take your time kind of wandering walls and you, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I was that way too. I would just. I would actually. Here's what a shitty student I was. I would intentionally jam my locker, which is to say I would take a piece of paper, sort of. Sort of fold it up ten times different ways.

[Bald Brian]

Wedge catcher.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Wedge it into the mechanism and then shut the locker on it. And you could jam it in such a way where you had to get pliers, but you had to go find the maintenance guy to get the pliers so I could go, hey, miss. So and so my locker's jammed. I can't get my book. So I got to go to find the light. It's the. It was the junior high equivalent of the Vietnam. I'm going to shoot myself in the thigh so I can get out of this place even though I'm not really going anywhere.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, there's nowhere to go.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, listen, I put anything but learn. That was my policy when I was in school.

[Allison Rosen]

Even if. Even if the thing that is not learning is way more work than if I just sat and learned.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll still go do that.

[Adam Carolla]

I would aimlessly wander the halls of Walter Reed Jr. High in North Hollywood just so I can stop myself from learning something. So yes, I would self jam my locker and yeah, same with the bathroom too. Yeah, just long, super long walls kind.

[Allison Rosen]

Of take the long way around. Or if I went from the classroom to the bathroom, then I would go back. It was almost like rounding the horn. I would just keep then walking away from that to come all the way back around. Like. Yeah, I did.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, no canal for Patton Oswald. Just going around the horn every time. Cape Horn.

[Bald Brian]

Do you remember when you had to raise your hand to go to the bathroom.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

And then. Cause I remember when I got to college you could just, you could just be an adult and you could just stand up and excuse yourself. And that was like such delicious freedom.

[Allison Rosen]

The transition between high school and in colleges. High school doesn't prepare you for college because in college it's. We're going to be, we'll give you a test the end of the semester, you'll do one paper. It's up to you. You can. If you can't, if you don't show up any days of this class, you can still pass the test. Good for you. And then in high. But in high school they take a 10 day like. Yeah, they literally hold your hand through everything. By the time of your senior year they should say come to class or not if you pass the test, you know, if you, if you can do the work somewhere else and get it done, like treat you like adults.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like you were a good student though. Wouldn't you been a good student?

[Allison Rosen]

I. Okay. And I was a really lousy college student.

[Adam Carolla]

Where'd you go to college?

[Allison Rosen]

In Virginia. William and Mary. I was a piss poor college student.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Allison Rosen]

I just was, it was a couple things. I was just kind of, by the time I got there, I was just interested in writing and reading books and stuff like that. So there were all these required classes. I was like, I don't know why I'm being. If I'm paying all this money. Why do I have to take stuff that I'm not interested in? I didn't like the whole, we make well rounded students of stuff that I. None of which I can remember. And then sophomore year I realized I wanted to be a comedian and I just, it was like, I need to finish. My parents are very much like finish college please. And then. But it was, but it felt like I was having one of those dreams where you're back in high school but you have the life you have now. Like I got to get out into my life. I can't be here. So it's very frustrating. Like I just wanted to get done with college. I could just go on the road.

[Adam Carolla]

What, what did your parents, what did they think you were going to do? What did you. Your dad do?

[Allison Rosen]

My dad was a test pilot and then ended up being doing, you know, judicial stuff and training other pilots in the Marines. My mom was a legal secretary. They wanted me to do something professional. I don't think they had any specific ideas. I know it wasn't to tread the Boards and become a jester. I'm sure that wasn't their plan for me, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I'm gonna go tell dick jokes to drunks. Mom, thanks for the. Thanks for the college you paid for, by the way. By the way, when I said earlier, I'm paying for this. My parents paid for my college, for God's sake.

[Adam Carolla]

Test pilot. Wow. Yeah, that is cool.

[Allison Rosen]

He flew the F4s.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. F4. Hottest military F4 Phantom. Hottest, hottest military aircraft ever created on the planet. Vietnam era fighter.

[Allison Rosen]

Dad was there for three years flying and bombing.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing that was great about the F4 is it was, it looked always looks like a great white shark to me because it's thick, it's got that big nose. It's got the big nose, it's thick in the middle and then it just tapers to nothing. It is the best looking fighter aircraft ever. And I'll tell you why. The reason it's the best looking is because after the F4 they started getting a lot of computers involved. They started smoothing things over and everything was done by computer. And it's like F1 cars going fast again on you. The best looking cars from Formula One racing are from the early 70s and the late 60s. And that's the best looking of everything that had to travel through the air was from like 66 to 74 and then after that now it's all stealthy and raptory and all that kind of stuff. And it's angular and it, and it, it works great, but it does not look nearly as cool.

[Allison Rosen]

The F4s were the last hot rods of aerial combat.

[Adam Carolla]

Twin engine, super powerful thrust to weight ratio planes and just did all the heavy lifting in Vietnam. And the coolest plane. Dude, that was like a dude that would be the, that. See, that would be the equivalent of you saying, I drove, you know, 69, 427Vet, no traction control, none of that launch control, drum brakes in the rear. Although it had this. But the point is this, none of the bullshit safety, whatever we have now where now you can have a car that has 500 horsepower, but you can't, you, you, you, you can't get it off the road.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Because of all this computer safety that's worked into it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a man's plane. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

It was up to you. You either knew how to flute or you crashed.

[Adam Carolla]

So your dad was flying the F4s in Vietnam?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

I've got one of his flight jackets with his shoulder patch. Who's Phantom flyer. And it's A ghost. Ghost holding the stick.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, wow, wow, wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Awesome patches they would make.

[Adam Carolla]

Does he ever tell you, like, I lost a lot of guys I didn't know that well over there, or does he exaggerate and say good friends?

[Allison Rosen]

There was a couple. Couple people that he lost there. I think that this was gonna sound really weird, but the time that was the hardest for my dad for Vietnam was when the movie Platoon came out. And the reason it was so hard was. Cause suddenly all of my mom's suburban friends wanted to talk to my dad about, oh, I saw Platoon. And I really understand what you must have gone through. And he was. It was just driving him up the wall. Like, I don't want to talk about this with people. And so we were at dinner one night, and some friends were over my mom and this woman was like, larry, I just saw a Platoon. And you see my dad's head just go. I mean, she goes, was it. Did it. Was it really hard for you to just drop bombs on people that you couldn't even see? Like, was it a moral quandary to deal with that? And then my dad just went. We only bombed hospitals and schools, like, just to shut her up. And then there was just total silence. I was just like, yay, dad.

[Adam Carolla]

And my husband Charlie has a question, right? As a helicopter flew over, and dad just took a steak knife and carved her up like a turkey right there. Your dad was a tail hooker, right? If he's flying for the Marine Marines, he's flying off carriers.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, he. I have a picture of him on a carrier in front of his plane when he was with the Crusaders.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yes.

[Allison Rosen]

And because that is. That is. You are. It is zero to 60 immediately. Like, you can't steam. It doesn't even steam power. It doesn't even feel like you're. You're moving 40s as. It feels like you gain 8,000 pounds.

[Adam Carolla]

Awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, you gain. I can't believe the thrust.

[Adam Carolla]

And now when you talk to your dad, he's like, how are you and your homo friends, your little jokes going.

[Allison Rosen]

By the way, he loves that. I'm a comedian.

[Adam Carolla]

He's cool with it.

[Allison Rosen]

He was in Vietnam for three years. He told me. He was like, you and your brother will never join the armed forces. It will never happen. You are never going to war. It will never happen.

[Adam Carolla]

And then he tested aircraft. When he came back, when we were.

[Allison Rosen]

Living down in Anaheim when I was really, really young, he was doing testing. But what happened was. And I didn't find this out till one way later. This is like. I didn't think I could respect the dude even more, but he grew up his. My dad was a hit. My grandfather was a bubble gunner in World War II. One of those.

[Adam Carolla]

Turret gunner.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Turret gunner. And they moved.

[Adam Carolla]

Ball turret.

[Allison Rosen]

The. Yeah, the. The ball turret thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I mean, the one that's moving around in the belly of the plane.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, belly gunner.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, see, he must have been short.

[Allison Rosen]

So he wasn't. He wasn't crazy short, but he was very compact.

[Adam Carolla]

That is the worst gig in the military is the. Is the belly ball turret gunner.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a nightmare, because if it sounds glamorous.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if the problem is, is tons of flak, and if the landing gear doesn't go down, then you are a smear. They're gonna land on you.

[Allison Rosen]

He said that he moved so much growing up. He went to, like, six different high schools. And he goes, it was just a nightmare. You just couldn't. You had to constantly. So he was like, I do not want you and your brother to do that. So that's why he then took a job in. In D.C. on the east coast, just training and reviewing pilots so that we can. We could. He goes, I just want you guys to go to the same high school so you don't go do what I did. Which is fine. I was like, dad, you gave up being a test pilot?

[Adam Carolla]

Flew F4s and NAM?

[Allison Rosen]

Yep.

[Bald Brian]

When you're in the belly of the fighter, can you be.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you be 29?

[Bald Brian]

Probably the people above you.

[Allison Rosen]

How does that work? You've got a throat mic, and then there's also. You can just yell up through the hatchway if you need to. But it's also really dangerous because you're just flying through flak. I mean, the air is nothing but, like, whirring razor blades, basically. It's terrifying.

[Adam Carolla]

Basically, anti aircraft, they just sort of set it for 18,000ft. It goes up and then it explodes, and then just sends shrink shrapnel everywhere. And then there's Messer Smiths and Zeros flying everywhere. I mean, there's a ball turret where the guy probably didn't make it out of there. And those planes are aluminum cans. Whatever. Whatever hits them flies right through them. There's no armament or anything on them at all. It's all weight, and they're freezing inside. I mean, at some point, they became pressurized. Dad's F4 was pressurized. But, oh, man, that is. I love. Find me another good picture. That F4. You'll see where this looks like a great white shark. It's the baddest plane on the planet. I want to blow your dad.

[Allison Rosen]

Those were.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a man. That's a man.

[Allison Rosen]

He is. Yeah. My. Trust me. Like my. That. That whole generation is like. Yeah, that's. Look at that man taking care of stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Such a hot plane. God, I love what a.

[Bald Brian]

Never been more hetero than right now.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that is hot stuff. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you want us to. I'll go off mike if you want to just hit on the plane for business.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Buy that plane a drink.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Get it an apartment in the city and put a wig on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at that plane. I'm making my goomah.

[Allison Rosen]

Look at all the shamrocks on the tail.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Shut down a lot of Irishmen. A lot of Irishmen.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. They strafed a lot of St. Patrick's Day parades in that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man. Patton, you. You enjoy yourself some strawberries?

[Allison Rosen]

I like strawberries.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. I got a deal for you. Sherry's berries, baby. Valentine's Day. I'm gonna send some of these over to your dad.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks for your service, buddy.

[Allison Rosen]

Now before you tell me when I have strawberries delivered, I pay. I would say like $800,000.

[Bald Brian]

What?

[Allison Rosen]

Can they beat that price?

[Adam Carolla]

Try 19.99.

[Allison Rosen]

What? Wait a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

What? $19.99.

[Allison Rosen]

That's impossible.

[Adam Carolla]

Enormous. Fresh dipped in white chocolate, milk chocolate, dark chocolate, any kind of chocolate with chips and crushed up. Unbelievable. Sherry's berries. Order now and have them shipped on Valentine's Day. So you order now, they'll ship them on Valentine's Day. Double the berries for just 10 bucks more. Still under 30 bucks.

[Allison Rosen]

Only 10. Wait a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

Huge strawberries to double the berries, though. Bigger than your dad's huevos for driving flying through Mig alley. Through Mig alley? You went over the Mekong Delta.

[Allison Rosen]

He would dip his in white chocolate. Pour every mission. That is that.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

That's how confident than he was take.

[Adam Carolla]

A shot at Jeremiah weed when they landed. 866-fruit-02 mean your dad. We got to put a few back. Where's he in Jersey?

[Allison Rosen]

No, he's in Virginia.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna meet him in Jersey. We're gonna put some back. All right. Call 866-FRUIT 02 or visit them online at berries.com that's B E R R I E S.com click on the microphone, type in Ace for even more saving. That is barrys.com and tell them Ace sent you. All right, Allison, one more story. We'll bring it on home.

[Bald Brian]

U.S. news & World Report has done a survey of the 10 worst cities for finding a job in the country.

[Adam Carolla]

And guess where Seven of them are in Southern California.

[Bald Brian]

In California, mostly central. Here are six of those. Six of them are in the Central Valley. Merced, which, for anyone who watched, I know my first name is Stephen. I believe it was set in Merced. Fresno, Modesto, Stockton, Visalia, Porterville and Bakersfield. Delano.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's all that dusty desert stuff off the grapevine.

[Bald Brian]

And then the seventh is Riverside. San Bernardino, Ontario.

[Adam Carolla]

Who? You know, you pass through those places and you're like, why are we living here?

[Allison Rosen]

People I know, it's Lompoc and button Willow McKittrick.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Willow.

[Bald Brian]

Such a good name. What the fuck?

[Adam Carolla]

The thing. Well, the thing is, like, I understand you can't live in the Palisades, and you can't live in Malibu. All right, that's. That's a little expensive, but you could live in Sherman Oaks or Valley Village or something for another 150 bucks a month in rent and get a roommate rather than just live in the world's shittiest dust bowl. Like, what is up?

[Allison Rosen]

I always feel like if I. If I were to pull it. I've never pulled up into McKittrick or Button Willow. Maybe I should. I dropped San Francisco. I almost feel like if I pull that town, it would be like that Bruce Willis movie, the Last Man Stand. Like, I could just walk into town and just gun people down. And, like, that's how you get your hotel room, is you have to kill whoever's in the room before you.

[Adam Carolla]

And it'd be one of these things where they couldn't do anything because someone cut the phone lines.

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly. And so the Federals don't know what's going on in the town. They're just running it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. No law here but my law.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

And you got to come in and start shooting everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

You call in a strike from your dad. Commandeers this old F4.

[Allison Rosen]

Calling an airstrike on my own position.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Badass. That's right. All right, let's take a call for Pat, by the way. Let's see. Hey, Julio. Yeah, what's going on? Calling from Reno. Yeah, what's going on? No, I just. I have the same problem that you have with your wife where, you know, my girlfriend will say, you take out the trash. They'll say, yeah. And they'll say, so you took it out. And I'll just, you know, not say anything. Patton, tell me if this makes me an asshole, don't yell yes before I ask.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay?

[Adam Carolla]

I do a lot of this stuff with my wife where she'll. My dog's name is Molly. You know, she'll go, did you feed Molly? And I'll go, yeah, I fed her. So you fed Molly, which is her kind of saying, I don't really believe you. Or, I'm just kind of nervous about Molly. And it usually works. This way. You can play my wife. Allison. Go ahead.

[Bald Brian]

Did you eat Molly?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I did.

[Bald Brian]

So you fed Molly?

[Adam Carolla]

That's how I answer her. That's how I answer, because I just got done saying yes. And then she gets pissed off, and I go, I know you're pissed off.

[Bald Brian]

You don't have to be an asshole, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And I say, actually, she tells me, stop being an asshole.

[Bald Brian]

Stop being an ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Mathematically important. Impossible. Never take a timeout.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? But that's like saying, don't think of a white bear. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

I just thought of a white bear. Yeah. She said the other day, have you seen the TV remote? And I said, no, I don't know where that is. And she said, you don't know where the TV remote is? And I just. Do you really want to spend a life where I just answer the same question twice? And then she gets pissed off at me? But I don't know, Pat, what do you think?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, okay. Has she caught you lying in the past where you said you did something you didn't?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I. That's my whole thing. I say, look when I do something, or I say something, something. That's it. When I tell her, me and Demi Moore, we're doing whippets. Me and Demi Moore, we're doing whippets. You don't have to ask twice.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, here's the thing. What if you've been so competent that as what she's saying, as a present, I would like you to screw up a few times so I could be justifiably angry. Like, maybe she's secretly wanting you to not do something so she could have something to yell about. Like, maybe for Valentine's Day, say you took out the trash and don't. And then that way she can yell at you and then get that out of her system.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. I was gonna get her a tennis bracelet, but Patton said, don't take the trash out for Valentine' Valentine's Day.

[Allison Rosen]

And let her scream at you.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't need that.

[Allison Rosen]

And then go, happy Valentine. Yeah. After her tyrant.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Julio. Yeah? I think it's good to train the person you're living with. I don't mean train like a seal, but what I mean is, is, you.

[Allison Rosen]

Know, like a horse.

[Adam Carolla]

You shouldn't be.

[Allison Rosen]

Noble creature.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You shouldn't be like a. You shouldn't be dicky about it. But she should get out of the habit of asking you twice.

[Bald Brian]

So what? Spray with a water bottle?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You hit with. You take. You take. You take apple bitters and you put it in a squirt gun. Aim for our eyes. All right, Eric.

[Caller]

Hey, Adam. How you doing, man?

[Adam Carolla]

Good. What's going on?

[Caller]

Not much. So I was listening to you this morning. I was up to the JB Smooth episode, and I heard you guys talking about the D bag responsible for making you do a different show in dc.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's me. That's you. Can I ask, how do you feel about this? Because I, I just got back from the Boston and dc. Yeah, I'm trying. The DC was the Fillmore in dc.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, nice.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's a nice theater. They opened a Fillmore in D.C. and did two sold out shows, which was awesome. And we're just tired because we'd done North Carolina and then Boston and then two shows. You know that thing we're doing that second show and it's like that 10:30 show, and you're pretty burnt out. A lot of travel and all that kind of stuff. And so you're just gonna do the same set you did the first show because you don't want to think about it that much. And somebody says to you, hey, man, I just talked to a guy out there and he went to the first show and he's staying for the second show and he's sitting front row. And now you go, what do you say to that?

[Allison Rosen]

Tough shit. I hope he likes the same show. Okay, I'm sorry, what does he think that. All right, I know you didn't. I know you didn't mean. Yeah. If he said he's sorry, then that's.

[Adam Carolla]

No, he didn't mean. I'm not mad at him. I'm up in my head now and I got to look at this dude. He's a big dude and he's sitting front and center, and I don't want to say the same joke.

[Allison Rosen]

I bet. No, no, I bet he knows. Yeah, I'm going to watch this. Sometimes people. People are such fans, they want to see the same jokes.

[Caller]

There's more to the story that makes it a more Corolla appropriate story.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, boy.

[Caller]

And you know, you, you know a thing that all your listeners enjoy is how, you know. You know, it's just something that's always funny. Current with you is that, you know, you got a good life, but you're constantly feeling you're getting screwed over by people. And it's kind of hard to believe until you're a person that's responsible for it. Like, I actually played a role.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I never, I never blamed you for buying two tickets.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I blamed Mike lynch for telling me there's a guy with two tickets who's sitting in the front row. Now think about.

[Caller]

I'm sorry, I didn't get to the part of the story where I didn't say that I sold the ticket in the, in the, in the interim.

[Adam Carolla]

You motherfucker. You weren't there for the second show.

[Caller]

No, listen, I sold it to the guy. It turns out that scream Pacific Northwest when you mentioned Seattle.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Oh, so he went to two shows.

[Caller]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

So you never went to two shows.

[Caller]

I wanted to. But Lynch. Lynch didn't say you were going to change it up. Lynch said, you know. Yeah, no, sorry, man. You know, we tend to do the same.

[Adam Carolla]

I was. And Dale lynch said the guy bought a second ticket, he's gonna be sitting in the front row. Which made me want to change the first 20 minutes of the show for that dude.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Well, either way, very enjoyable. I love your stuff, Pat, and you're great too. Alison, Brian, love you guys. And just a quick thing for people to support the show. Something that I've done is, you know, not only do you turn people onto the podcast, but if somebody tells you that they're gonna buy something on Amazon, just be like, hey, by the way, go to Corolla site and just click the Amazon link and do it that way.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, buddy.

[Bald Brian]

We should do that.

[Allison Rosen]

He's like your Johnny Appleseed.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes, Patton, great stand up. By the way. I don't know, I was listening, I think on Sirius xm. I was listening to Patton do a set the other day and just thinking, God, this guy's so good. Just funny, just. And it's so nice to see you in a serious role and play it real straight and then get up and tell the jokes. And a lot of the comedians who you listen to, if you listen to on the radio, doesn't trust translate. Because I gotta tell you, I mean, Kevin Hart's like one of the hottest young black comedians on the planet and he's selling out huge places, whatever. And when I did a show in, we were somewhere in Miami or something, it was Comedy Central's doing Kevin Hart Presents or whatever. And they gave us a cd, and then we had to drive from, like, Miami to Tampa or something. We're doing another show, and we just popped it in the rental car, and we were all just listening. And it's a comedy cd, except for every joke is like. So my uncle, he comes in and he's doing this, you know, and everyone's, like, laughing. And I'm sure he's doing something hysterical. Except for I can't see it on my. My windshield of my car. And. And then she comes in and she's looking all. And it's like, I thought, all right, he's sort of a physical. Does a lot of physical comedy, which is fine, but you can't come out with a comedy CD because there's a lot of. He's all this and she's all that. I ain't hearing. I can't see any of it.

[Allison Rosen]

In his defense, I bet it was he put out a comedy dvd and Comedy Central Records went, we're going to put out a CD with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, I'm sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And that was part the deal. And. And they either didn't think it through or, you know, he. He's got.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not the Comedy Central I know that's what you're asking. They think everything's through. Yes. It's probably a DVD that they made into a CD that had a lot of. He was all. And then I was all. And she did this. And we were just sitting in the car not hearing the punch. Not seeing the punch line. But, Patton, it's all. All explained.

[Allison Rosen]

I map everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

For any of you listening at home, I'm now standing to the left of the mic, and I am gesturing wildly with my left arm.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Legal Zoom, everybody. Pat, you don't want to go to these expensive attorneys, do you? Hell, no. No.

[Allison Rosen]

The attorney that I use charges $2 an hour. Now, is there a way I can save that money?

[Adam Carolla]

You can save that money? How? You can save more by going to Legal Zoom. Oh, my God.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait a minute. A website.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to start a will, a living trust. You want to start your own business? You go to legalzoom.com.

[Allison Rosen]

That'S. I want to all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

They have attorneys that will walk you through the process step by step. Simple, easy, total customer support, including help if you need it. I don't think you need it. You're a pretty decent student. But there will be an attorney on the other line if you need it, so forget about that.

[Allison Rosen]

If you just want to just talk.

[Adam Carolla]

To a guy, you're just feeling lonely and you want to talk to a guy who wears a vest.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I just saw Martha, Marcy Mae Marlene, and I'm just really. It was very, very sad. Yeah, it's a great movie. I just want to talk to him about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Legalzoom.com I want to talk to a.

[Allison Rosen]

Guy in a vest.

[Announcer]

Legalzoom.com Dawson for personal and business documents that have been accepted in courts and government agencies in all 50 states, you can trust LegalZoom. For more savings, enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. For a better way to do the law, go to legalzoom.com Attorney support is provided through independent attorneys available in most states. Legal Zoom is not a lawyer. And self help services are provided at your direction.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Pat and Oswald, everybody yell the news is done. Shall you?

[Bald Brian]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it.

[Allison Rosen]

Did the fire look at you? Did it look at you.

[Announcer]

Yes, yes, that was the news.

[Adam Carolla]

Made it into the drop zone. Pat Noswell there. One young adult. You can pre order it on DVD at Amazon and again go on Amazon. Click on through the banner and show a little love. You can Twitter, patent, Atton oswalt website, Patton oswalt.com all very straightforward and find out all the dates and places gonna be playing and all that kind of stuff. Rich man, poor man. My book still out as we speak, available right now and you can get it at itunes and all that kind of stuff. Amazon as well. Good times. $5.99, 73 full color pages. All right, so until next time, it's Adam Crawford, Ball Bryant, Patton Oswalt and Allison Rosen saying mahalo.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going to go tell dick jokes to drunks.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's it for this weekend's Corolla Classics. Make sure to tune in next weekend for three all new installments. Until then, mahalo. And get it on.