Paul Walter Hauser on The Luckiest Man in America, Outsourcing Hollywood, Sobriety, and the Time a Joke Went Too Far

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show: Paul Walter Hauser on "The Luckiest Man in America," Outsourcing Hollywood, Sobriety, and When a Joke Goes Too Far

Released on March 27, 2025

Introduction

In this engaging episode of The Adam Carolla Show, host Adam Carolla welcomes actor Paul Walter Hauser to discuss his latest projects, industry trends, personal growth, and the delicate balance of humor. The conversation delves deep into Paul's new film "The Luckiest Man in America," the outsourcing of Hollywood productions, his journey towards sobriety, and an incident where a joke spiraled out of control.

Career Updates and New Projects

Paul Walter Hauser provides an overview of his burgeoning career, highlighting his involvement in several upcoming films:

• "The Luckiest Man in America": A true story set to hit theaters on April 4th, featuring a compelling narrative about a game show contestant navigating fame and personal demons. Paul describes it as an entertaining departure from darker biopics.

  "Our film is not as dark and drab as that. Thankfully, it's very entertaining." [24:55]

• Other Projects: Paul is also working on "Naked Gun," "Fantastic Four," "Americana," and a Bruce Springsteen biopic set to release throughout the year. He expresses excitement about the diverse roles and the creative freedom he enjoys.

  "This year I got five or six movies coming out. I couldn’t be more proud of them." [32:24]

Outsourcing Hollywood

A significant portion of the discussion centers on the outsourcing trend in Hollywood. Paul and guest Lucrezia Corval Coinin lament the shift of film productions to locations like Bogotá, Colombia, and Winnipeg due to cost-saving measures. They argue that this migration diminishes the cultural and economic fabric of Hollywood.

Paul Carolla: "They make those decisions like, well, it would cost X amount to recall all the Ford Pintos, but the lawsuits from the eight people who died... it's just, don't expect any different. Hollywood will leave if you make it too difficult."

Lucrezia Corval Coinin: "Rob Lowe said it's bordering on criminal, the fact that the whole industry has kind of gone away."

Personal Sobriety and Growth

Paul opens up about his personal journey towards sobriety, emphasizing the transformative impact it has had on his life. He shares how getting sober, using medications like sertraline (Zoloft), prioritizing sleep, and attending therapy have helped him regain control and improve his well-being.

Paul Walter Hauser: "I've undergone three to nine months of just, like, undoing decades of shit. It was crazy."

Lucrezia Corval Coinin: "I got sober because of alcohol, marijuana, and pornography. I just decided all three were toxic to me being the best version of myself."

Society's Focus on Appearance vs. Substance

The conversation shifts to societal obsessions with aesthetics over substance. Using George Clooney and Richard Jewell as contrasting examples, Paul criticizes how society often glorifies appearance without considering true character or actions.

Paul Walter Hauser: "We have this thing where you go, look at Richard Jewell and you go, oh, look at that guy. He did something. Look at that idiot over. Look at Clooney."

They further discuss how superficial judgments permeate various aspects of life, from restaurant appearances to street food preferences, highlighting a disconnect between looks and quality.

Comedy, Personal Evolution, and the Boundaries of Humor

Reflecting on his past in stand-up and sketch comedy, Paul discusses his evolution as a comedian and actor. He recounts a pivotal moment when a joke about Vin Diesel's professionalism led to unintended backlash, forcing him to apologize despite his belief in honesty.

Paul Walter Hauser: "I've had a million arguments where people go, why you talking shit? And I go, as long as it's the truth and it's accurate, then it's not shit."

This incident underscores the fine line comedians walk between candidness and sensitivity, especially in a public setting.

Future Endeavors and Personal Interests

Paul expresses his enthusiasm for future projects, including producing wrestling shows and continuing his entrepreneurial ventures. He also hints at exploring new creative outlets, inspired by innovative comedy formats like Bo Burnham's Inside.

Paul Walter Hauser: "I got really into professional wrestling, and I've had about 16 or 17 matches, and now I'm looking to produce wrestling shows. That's become kind of my thing."

Conclusion

The episode concludes with Paul and Lucrezia sharing their aspirations and upcoming events, solidifying their commitment to diverse creative projects and personal growth. Paul's candid reflections offer listeners a profound glimpse into the challenges and triumphs of balancing a flourishing career with personal well-being.

Notable Quotes

• "We're done and I will tell everyone. So we're in cubicles, we're looking at data, and that's where my truth and your truth come in." [10:56]
• "Fun is very empty calories and people don't really know it. Like search wisdom and search experiences and search challenges." [13:03]
• "We have such a weird relationship with that stuff. Like, literally, there's a guy on the corner of Home Depot and he's chopping up papaya with a rusty machete and people are stopping and eating off that thing." [07:12]
• "You can't have all our truths because we're living in some virtual sort of digital world." [10:56]
• "Dancing on top of someone's head is not nursing protocol." [106:37]

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show is a rich tapestry of personal stories, industry insights, and thoughtful discourse, making it a must-listen for fans and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Paul Walter Hauser]

This is a message from sponsor Intuit. TurboTax Taxes was getting frustrated by your forms. Now Taxes is uploading your forms with a snap, and a TurboTax expert will do your taxes for you. One who's backed by the latest tech, which cross checks millions of data points for absolute accuracy. All of which makes it easy for you to get the most money back guaranteed. Get an Expert now on TurboTax.com, only available with TurboTax Live full service. See guarantee [e-mail] guarantees well, in this episode, Paul Walter Hauser, actor I Tonya that guy, the Richard Jewell Story. It's been in everything. Really interesting guy gonna be in the Naked Gun movie coming up and tons of stuff. Anyway, good conversation with him. Mayhem's got the news and it's funny and we'll do all that right after this. Pluto TV is the place for movie fans like me and TV fans like me. They've got something for everyone and it's totally free. You can binge, laugh out loud sitcoms like Frasier and rewatch cult classics like Higher Learning. Whether you're in the mood to solve a little crime before bedtime with NCIS or Tracker or curl up with a surefire hit like Forrest Gump. Run Forrest Pluto TV has thousands of movies and shows, all for free. Pluto TV Stream Now Pay Never Foreign.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Corolla 1 Studios in Glendale, California. This is the Adam Carolla Show. Adam's guest today, actor Paul Walter Hauser. Plus, we'll do the news and trending topics with Jason Mayhem Miller. And now his strongest feeling about Signal gate is really how lame it is to just attach gate to every scandal.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

ADAM carolla, yeah, get it on. Got to get on that church. Make it a mandate. Get it on. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for telling a friend. Paul Walter Hauser is in studio. Paul has a new movie out. We'll get into that, but I probably caught you first in I Tonya I don't know, maybe the Richard Jewell movie directed By Clint Eastwood, Correct?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

That's right. Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

That'd be kind of crazy being the lead of a Clint Eastwood movie.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I thought so. I thought it was fiscally irresponsible for Warner Brothers to cast me and not a real movie star. But I, you know, that was one of those things that just. I was in the middle of shooting a Spike Lee movie in Thailand called the Five Bloods and just had a small supporting role, but it's Spike Lee. You know, you serve sandwiches on that set also. I love sandwiches.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Right.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

But I said to them, I was like, you know, I was very content in the moment, but I got a call from my reps who said, hey, you've been offered a Richard Jewel biopic. And it was a TV series, a limited series. And then three days later, I got offered Richard Jewell, the movie from Clint Eastwood. So I had competing Richard Jewel offers.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Really?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Within 72 hours.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Wow.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

One of them was quite lucrative and was ready to go. And the other one was Clint having just chosen me out of the blue. And the movie was at Fox. Disney bought Fox, and Clint only does movies at Warner Brothers. There's a whole fiasco behind the scenes of, is this thing even gonna get made? And at the 11th hour, they're like, Paul, you gotta choose. You got a high six figure deal, almost seven figures to be on the TV version, or you can hope to God Clint gets the movie made. And I just turned down the TV show and folded my hands. And three weeks later, I was on the Warner Brothers lot with Clinton. Crazy.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Three weeks later.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Yeah. Not shooting, but. But like meeting the man walking down the hall. He looked at me and he goes, time to pick up the donuts. And, you know, he wanted me to get even more Julie to play Richard Jewell.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. You know, I, you know what I don't like about our society? What I don't like?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I was hoping we were gonna go down this.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, we're going. We're going this early. I'll tell you what I don't like. It's like, you see George Clooney's on 60 Minutes and we have to talk to George Clooney about what's going on in politics and what's going on in the world and how to fix everything and what he knows. Because he looks like he knows something, right? And so we go look at Clooney. That guy's smart. Look at him. And it's like, he has good bone structure. It doesn't mean he doesn't have a 10 cent head. And I like George Clooney, he's a nice guy. And I'm not saying he's a stupid guy, but, but we have this thing where you go, look at Richard Jewell and you go, oh, look at that guy. He did something. Look at that guy. You know he did something. That guy's dope. Look at that idiot over. Look at Clooney.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

He's smart.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Clooney. What should we do next? What should the Democratic Party do next? You tell us. Well, he's an actor who has a pet pig and is a nice enough guy, but he's not smart just because he looks smart.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I think, you know, also the world's so dumb that even if someone's, you know, you know, well read, we think they're a genius. That's kind of the thing too is I, I think Clooney is much smarter than your average person.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, he is.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

But, you know, none of us, you, me, or George should be approached to figure out foreign policy necessarily.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I, I concur. I'm saying Clooney gets it on the good side and Richard Jewell got it on this bad side. Like, people looked at him and go, look at that fat fuck. You don't know what he's.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I think he's a suspect.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

He did something. Look at him.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Within two, three days, he was a suspect, which is psychotic, considering he, you know, saved a bunch of lives. And in the literal, you know, I know, it's just.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I. It's just, it's just us praising the esthetic and having sort of disdain for the non esthetic, which. It bothers me. Look, we do it with insects.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I do, I do with restaurants. You go into a restaurant, sometimes you're like, this place kind of dumpy. And then it's the best chicken parm you've ever had in your life. And you're like, oh, it's because this 90 year old woman is in the kitchen making what she made in the 1940s.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I know, it's so funny. It is funny. People walk into a restaurant, like in California, in Los Angeles, see a B grade from the health department. I'm not going in there. And then later on that night, they're drunk and they stumble out of the Staples center after the Lakers game, and they're eating hot dogs that are being made in a shopping cart with a propane tank with bacon wrapped around it. And it's like, okay, you cannot eat street food and judge a bee at a sushi joint.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Or they're buying those sea moss containers that are about $70, which might just be Vaseline and food coloring. We have no idea.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

We have such a weird relationship with that stuff. Like, literally, there's a guy on the corner of Home Depot and he's chopping up papaya with a rusty machete and people are stopping and eating off that thing, but they wouldn't eat if something dropped on the ground or it had a bee in the window or they found out somebody didn't wash their hands or whatever. I don't. By the way, the guy at the cart with the machete and the. And the papaya, I don't know where his hand washing station is, but I've not seen it.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I think it's nonexistent, but I'm not. We kind of. There's something, though, that is so kind of caveman and primally raw about someone doing it in front of you and just, you know, that's the only thing they do. I don't look at the papaya guy and go, man, I bet that guy makes really good crudite. Very much looking at him going, this is his thing. Of course it's going to be good.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I think there's just some of the presentation.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, it's not about the good, it's about the cleanliness.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

No. Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And my thing is, is I'll eat it from him or I'll eat it at the restaurant. I don't care. But I want consistency. If you're going to eat it off the dude in front of the Home Depot who's working off a rusty shopping cart, then do not turn your nose up at the B grade at the restaurant with the health inspection.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I agree with you. America's a emotionally reactive tribe. We don't always come from a place of logic, do we?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, no. It's weird. But I have thoughts about why we don't.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

And maybe this is a safe place to voice it. I feel like this is called the Adam Carolla Show.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I think when we were in a culture where we worked on farms and logging camps and lumber mills and stuff like that, we were wildly pragmatic because when you're working around. When you're working around band saws that could take a limb off in any moment, or any kind of equipment that could literally just. You lose digits in a heartbeat, you would pay attention and, like, things had to be very logical and linear, you know, like if you're just unloading a truck filled with 40 foot logs, you know, you couldn't have feelings about things. It just was. Or you're getting crushed.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Yeah. It's a simple math, but it's a consequential nature of the environment. And I think, I think that that is true. We're kind of living in the day and age now. And I was just talking with one of my drivers about this. You know, he talked about going to Japan and he's like, these people do everything with excellence. You know, like the guy washing your hubcap or getting the crumbs off your table. They're all treating it as if you're a foreign dignitary on, you know, holiday.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

And he's like, they don't do that here. And we do live in an now where, you know, you see these stories about Waffle House. Somebody falls asleep on the job, the only person working Waffle House at 3am and some drunk goes and makes their own breakfast. That literally happened.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Right.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

You know, it's like, I don't know that that was happening in 1965.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I will tell you, we, yes, we've, we've given up on expertise.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

It's attitudinal.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I cannot tell you how many car dealerships I've gone into looking at a $81,000 SUV. And I went, how much horsepower does this thing have? And they go, it's peppy. You're not even going to remember a number for $81,000. You can't remember 321 horsepower and 400 foot pounds of torque.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Like you can't pulling teeth to get basic information. Right?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

So we're done and I will tell everyone. So we're in cubicles, we're looking at data, and that's where my truth and your truth come in. Because we have two different truths now. But those truths don't work in logging camps. There's one truth. You're going to get crushed. That's the one truth. So now we have room for all our truths because we're living in some virtual sort of digital world. And then as far as the expertise goes, the joke is on the person who is not providing the expertise, no matter how mundane the job is. You said Japan, you know, just taking the crumbs off the table. I, I was always a carpenter and, and I wanted to be a comedian. And I was unhappy as a carpenter because I was showing up to a job site every day. But I long to be a comedian and it wasn't working out. And at some point I just said to myself, look, you show up every day to a job site. You are a carpenter. This is what you do full time. And why don't you start Doing a good job. Why don't you get organized? Why don't you get your shit together and instead of throwing your cords out and whatever and the screws are with the nails, get organized and get your shit together. And I got organized and I got my shit together and I was happier as a carpenter.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Isn't that something the causes of?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You are happier when you get your shit together?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Absolutely. I remember recently in the last few years, getting sober, getting on Sertraline, prioritizing sleep and going to therapy, both personal and marital. And I said to myself, why do I feel so good? Because you weren't a freaking mess like you used to be. You were actually taking control of your life in some regard.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Serpaline. Sorry?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Sertraline. Zoloft.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Sertraline. Oh, is that what Zoloft is? It's a ssri.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Yeah. That's like the fancy medical term for it. Yeah. No, I just, I really, I really liked chasing wisdom instead of fun because fun has an expiration date on it.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Fun is very empty calories and people don't really know it. Like search wisdom and search experiences and search challenges, but searching fun is pretty hollow. But if you spend the day searching the wisdom and searching the experiences and searching the challenges and scare yourself a little bit and surprise yourself a little bit with what you can do, then a little bit of fun on a Saturday night is fun.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Well, it's high lit, it's accentuated because you're not inundated with it constantly.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I wouldn't remember this weird experience I had when I was always eating out was an exotic treat for my family. It just, we never, never happened. It never happened. And then as I got older, funds were always super tight. But it was a big deal to go out to dinner when I was poor, you know, and you had to make the decision like, you want a glass of wine or do you want the appetizer? Because we're definitely not. You're not doing the glass of wine and the appetizers? No way. So it was an experience. And later on I got rich and I found myself one Christmas break number of years ago, I just ended up going out to dinner like four nights in a row. And at some point I just looked at the person I was eating with and I went, I'm not really enjoying this like I should. And I realized I'm not. Because it's too easy, it's too often. It needs to be the at the end. Not every night, not any given Tuesday, out to eat at a fine restaurant. You know, I lost it.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

100%. It's funny. There are actually people who. And not to go real far down this road, but I find it interesting in this day and age that people get desensitized by sexual escapades, and they start to heighten them, and then they realize they're hollow and they're looking for something to thrill them. And it's like, you know what you really need is a hug.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

You need to be hugged and spoken to.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. By gimp.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, no, you're.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

It's.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It's. Look, it's all. It's. Look, it's all. You know, when I used to talk to Dr. Drew, he'd go, oh, yeah, I got people that are on 90 Vicodin a day. I'm like, 90 Vicodin a day? Oh, yeah. I'm like, how do you get to 90 Vicodin a day? Well, you do three and that. Then you normalize, you know, and so you do five, you know, and then.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Keep getting a new ceiling.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, you basically. Your body is like sort of homeostasis all the time. It's always trying to get back to the middle, you know? So at some point, you're on 15 Vicodin, and you're going about your day. You know what I mean? It's not. You're not buzzed, you know, whatever that is.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

So I had that with marijuana. That was. Part of the reason I got sober is I was like, I got my high high and my high high, and then I was like, oh, this isn't enough. Wherever I'm at right now, kind of feels like I went back to the bottom of the barrel. I need to climb up in the highness. And it was like, then people are giving me wax, and they're putting wax on a bong. Suddenly you're, like, smoking weed, but you have a whole nother substance. You've sort of given a veneer of acidity to. And now your brain goes from thinking a funny thought for a movie idea to, like, mush. And you kind of just don't know if you're a human or not. Like, that's a. It's not a good place to get. It's not very healthy.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

So you got sober from because of marijuana?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I got sober because of alcohol, marijuana, and pornography. I just decided all three were toxic to me being the best version of myself and getting rid of that while entering therapy and getting on Zoloft, it's like it changed my entire chemical, you know, system. I kind of underwent three to nine months of just, like, undoing you know, decades of shit. It was crazy.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Is your candor and honesty part of this? Because you seem very part of the transition into a different person. I was always over there, very solicitous, willing to share.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Yeah, yeah. Which I didn't, I'm happy with. There's so many people not telling the truth in the world that I prefer to tell the truth all the time and then face whatever mild consequence.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, I'm kind of with you in that. I've had a million arguments where people go, why you talking shit? And I go, as long as it's the truth and it's accurate, then it's not shit. It's just what is. I mean, I'm not saying pull up a microphone and talk about something in the bedroom or something, but I just mean if you are relating something that is truthful or accurate, then your part of the equation is done. And then it's up to everyone else whether to be hurt or offended or angered or what have you.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

And I would agree with that. Mostly the only thing I would throw in is the idea of when I entered this program and got sober, this guy said to me this great advice that I'm sure was passed down from generations of dudes trying to clean themselves up. He said, before you say something or tweet something, whatever, email, he's like, ask three questions. Do you? Well, first, halt. Halt. Are you hungry, angry, lonely or tired? And are you? Any combination of those things. And most of the time when I'm pissed, I'm at least two or three of those four things. And then he said, ask yourself, does this need to be said? Does it need to be said by me? And does it need to be said right now? And that's just a litmus test sort of thing. You're not scolding yourself, you're just trying to be like, logical. And it's like, it's tough for you because you're a stand up comedian and a public figure and you know, you're doing the radio thing. So it's like you innately have this thing that says, my job is to press the button. My job is to pull the trigger.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

So it's like that. Even more so I wouldn't look at you and be like, oh, I'm so offended by Adam. I might disagree with you. But in the end I'm like, that's his thing, you know?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. It's funny, I said to a woman co worker once who'd get into it with a lot of people, and years ago, I just, I Did the same version. I said, look, before you hit send, just ask yourself, does it make you money or does it make you happy? And if it's not one of those two things, don't do it, you know, because that's funny. If you said, does it make you money or does it make you happy? It would cover 80% of this.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Well, and what, you know, I'm a person of faith, so my thing too is like, what is the heart behind saying it? I had a moment where I was on a night shoot with Liam Neeson on the new Naked Gun picture we did at Paramount, right? And I went from a night shoot on no sleep, had to go to the airport at 4, 4:30 in the morning and fly from Atlanta to LA. And immediately from landing, go to Disney and do seven, eight hours of press with Lewis Black for our film Inside Out 2 at Pixar. So I'm exhausted. I don't want to be there. Not because I'm not proud of the film. I'm just tired of shit. And, and I said at one point somebody brought up Vin Diesel and it just kind of triggered me where I said, don't compare me to Vin Diesel. I like to think I'm on time to set and I'm approachable and once again, throwing shade. By the way, some of the things I'm saying about Vin were things I heard from several different people that worked with him and they didn't sound that far fetched. And I get a little perturbed when very wealthy people are not on decent behavior. So that was me just kind of meh, having my stand up comic moment. And it was small shade, but it turned into a big story and suddenly there's 30 articles of Paul Walter Hauser targeting Vin Diesel for being unprofessional. I'm like, good God, I made one little crack thing. I didn't think it'd be that big of a deal. And it was. And in the end I ended up apologizing not because someone told me to, but because as a practicing Christian man, I thought, did I need to say that? No. Have I met Vin Diesel? No. Yeah, I was just kind of choosing to be shitty because I'm human and that's part of being human. Yeah, I think I threw him an apology just to say, like, I don't know you, dude, sorry, I made a wise crack. I, I don't need to be doing that, you know, dear old work platform.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not you, it's us. Actually, it is you. Endless onboarding, constant it bottlenecks We've had enough. We need a platform that just gets us. And to be honest, we've met someone new. They're called Monday.com and it was love at first. Onboarding. Their beautiful dashboards, their customizable workflows got us floating on a digital cloud. 9. So no hard feelings, but we're moving on. Monday.com, the first work platform you'll love to use.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Mazda crafts cars for those who choose to do more, because every day is a chance to explore, to experience, to feel. And in the Mazda CX50 Hybrid, you'll spend less time refueling and more time discovering.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I think that whether it's things of this nature or catastrophic airline accidents, it's little stuff. It's like. It's just little. It's a little sequence of stuff, you know, just little. You know, I mean, I'm watching the Alec Baldwin show the other day, and I'm like, yeah, he killed this person because somebody put a bullet in the prop gun. You know what I mean? Like, these weird little. These are not. These are little things that turn into big things and all these scandals and all that. There's some weird little moment where it's not anything and then it's everything. But we think in terms of like, 9, 11, you know what I mean? But it's not that it's small. It's like little stuff turns into big stuff, and that's why it's hard to find, and that's why most people are surprised. Like, you wake up the next day and your phone's blowing up and people are going, yeah, what's this whole thing with Vin Diesel? And you go, what? I don't even remember.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Well, I just. I forgot that I'm on no matter where I am on the totem. I'm a public figure now because of what I do for a living, and I. I don't feel like a public figure daily. I talk to everybody the same way.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, that's.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I don't. I don't, like, treat everybody differently. Like a kid in an airport, I give the same candor and time to. As I would Brad Pitt. I just don't give a shit. So I. I forget that people are paying attention and that becomes annoying because I remember the days of being able to say whatever I wanted and no consequence.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, because no one listened. But, I mean, it is true. There's times when you go, why does Vin Diesel even know who I am? And you go, he probably didn't until that. Oh, I bet he did.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Until it came across As I got.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

So much to get into you, I want to talk about Luckiest man in America. I just saw the trailer. It looked really good. It's based on a true story. It'll be in theaters April 4th. Press yous Luck. I remember that show, but I don't remember this controversy or the story behind the character that you're playing, which is the character from the game show.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

This is before my time. I was born in 86, so this was two years prior. And I loved the show. It was on syndication when I was a kid growing up in the 90s. I watched it all the time and loved the whammies. And I loved that you could just. It seemed like such a middle finger to, like, lose, you know, 13 grand out of nowhere because you hit a red icon. And so I love the show. And then when this script came across my proverbial desk, I was like, you know, this seems like a character I can play. You know, this seems like one of those ne'er do wells, but who's got another layer of depth and something going on? So I jumped on and became a producer on it, and we gathered a really cool cast because we're in the middle of the SAG strike, and we got those waivers, and we went and shot in Bogota, Columbia, for a fraction of the cost it would have cost us to shoot here in L. A.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It is so bizarre when I talk to Kelly Osborne and she's hosting I don't know what game show, and I'm like, where's that Paramount or the Fox Lodge? Oh, it's in Ireland. You know, like, what? Yeah, yeah, we're going to Ireland. Like, I could get the part where, you know, they shoot Breaking Bad in New Mexico, but Bogota and Ireland, it's insane.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

We're outsourcing Hollywood, man. There was just an article today where Rob Lowe said it's bordering on criminal, the fact that that whole industry has kind of gone away. You know, you got Mark Wahlberg and Sony setting up shop in Vegas. You got Katt Williams buying a giant military base and trying to do the same methodology that Tyler Perry did in Atlanta. It's like, damn, we're not going to have much here.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, I was just complaining about this on this very show the other day. And so we can revisit it a little bit, which is what I'm trying to get across to the people who are in power, which is people will leave if you make things too difficult for them to do it here. They just will. And if Hollywood will leave, anyone will leave, because Like, I remember I did a show at the Burton Cummings Theater in. God, where was that? In Canada. You guys will figure that one out. Winnipeg. Winnipeg. I was in Winnipeg.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Queen, Google, Burton Kongs.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, he's. Guess who. Yeah, great voice, great jobs. Anyway, it's good enough. It's got a theater. I was playing the Burton Cummings Theater in Winnipeg, and in the dead of winter, and I was walking. I was being walked to my hotel room, and the guy was walking me. I goes, you know, staying at the end there. And I go, who? And I go, samuel L. Jackson. And I go, what the hell's he. Oh, he's here for six months shooting a movie. And I go, where's this movie? Well, it's supposed to take place in Chicago.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

And.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And I'm like, okay, Samuel L. Jackson is the most progressive guy on the planet. If he's gonna pick up and leave to save a few ducats on taxes or whatever, then everything's on the table. Toyota, Honda, Nissan, they're all gonna leave. Well, and so you're gonna get people to leave, so you have to restructure it so they don't leave.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

It comes from the top, though. A guy like Sam or myself, we want to shoot in Chicago. It's not like we're like, we need to go to Winnipeg, damn it. Like, it's very much a cost saving tactic.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And I'm seeing Rob Lowe wants to shoot in la, is what I'm saying.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Yeah, yeah. And I think. I think cost saving tactics, like, just this morning, I was at the Starbucks, right by the Laugh Factory, grabbing. Grabbing my drink. And you know, they don't. They don't give you the paper sleeve anymore. You have to ask for it. It's like, why?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

For the straw.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

For the hot cup.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, the cardboard thing.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

The cardboard thing, yeah. And you know, that's obviously a cost saving tactic, Right? But it's like, Starbucks has such an infinite amount of money. Why would they go to the psychotic degree of not just giving you that as, like a human thing, like giving somebody a straw. But I think that's a microcosm for every single corporate business.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Is. Everybody is trying to. It's like an. There was a time where they used to lock the refrigerators from the cast and crew at 30 Rock. And they were like, are you telling me that we can't afford the writers room to have free, you know, seven up? What the hell's going on here? But it was a cost saving tactic.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I think in a weird way, you're answering your own question, which is at the scale that Starbucks is doing it, the extra 3 cents a unit adds up. That's where they're. That's same with airlines. That's what airlines do.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

You know any human nature?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, they don't have any human nature.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

No, they don't.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No. But. Because once you get to a certain size and once you deal with a certain amount of finances, then you get those. You make those decisions like, well, it would cost X amount to recall all the Ford Pintos, but the lawsuits from the eight people who died because they blew up would be less than the amount to recall. And that's it. I mean, that's where we're at. I yell at everyone every day. Subaru makes station wagons with love, and they make attack helicopters for the Japanese army as well. So they're just doing gangster move over. They just do what they do.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And all I'm saying is don't expect any different. That's it. All of Hollywood, all of Hollywood, the people that never stop saying, pay your fair share, all of them will get up and leave to go save 10% shooting in Winnipeg. That's all I'm saying. So now that we know that, we have to incentivize them, because whether it's Hollywood or Starbucks, us telling them to be more human. And what about the. It doesn't work. They save 2%, they leave. So we have to incentivize them.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

It's crazy. And actually, to bring it back to luckiest man in America, that is kind of the story of him versus the machine. Because they're kind of looking at him saying, hey, you figured out our algorithm, our pattern for the board, and when to hit the button and get all the prize money and the trips to Oahu, that's cheating. And he kind of, you know, surmises, like, is it cheating? I really, you know, it's really just like counting cards in Vegas. You can't put me in jail, but you can kick me out of the showroom. So it's like. I think it's an interesting story where in a weird way, you really root for this guy, but you also see that he's a very damaged person. That to provide for his family, he's not willing to work at a furniture store or be a shoe salesman like Al Bundy. He's. He's doing these get rich quick schemes. And, you know, to the degree that he was chased down by the feds and all these people and ended up in hiding in the late 90s, and he died alone of lung cancer.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, really?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Crazy. Our film is not as dark and drab as that. Thankfully, it's a very entertaining.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yours kind of takes. It's like 76, 77.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Like mid-1984.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, 84.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

And I got to tell you, on the production budget we had, dude, I mean, this is like an indie Sundance type budget. We. We look like a billion dollars.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It's a great trailer.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

It's really. It's really a vast cast of, like, people you've seen, like, David Strathairn, who played Edward R. Murrow in Good Night and Good Luck, and then we also have Johnny Knoxville, and then we got Maisie Williams, one of the stars of Game of Thrones. It's like. It's kind of a cool hodgepodge cast where you. You get excited just seeing people pop up on screen, too.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I don't know if you know this, but Strathane has great calves.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Does he? I have great calves.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Do you?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

It's one of my only physical qualities that I'm really, like, psyched about.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, hold on. Are they better than Will Sasso's calves?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I never said that. No, I never will.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, that's what I heard.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I love, by the way, one of my favorite human beings. I don't know him well, but every time we see each other, it's like, yeah, we're kind of the same guy.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You're calf buddies?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Yeah, we're. We're. We're cav cousins.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Do you think. Do you know what Will Sasso's calves look like?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I have an idea. I. Especially now because he took off some of the. Some of the. The whale. He's more of a shark now.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, really?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Good. Yeah. Saw him the other night at a wrestling event for all Elite wrestling at the Crypto Arena.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Jason Strathane. If you. If you see.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Whoa. Whoa. You just said Jason Strathane. That's the love child of Jason Statham and David.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

David Theron, you mean.

[Dawson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Sorry, I got too many actors. Look at his calves. He has wonderful calves. Well, I'll tell him you said, well proportioned. I noticed.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I'll put a pep in his step.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, with those calves, yeah, he can go wherever he wants, But Will Sasso, great calves. I'm not here to disappoint you and your own calves, but when you see Will Sasso, that's not. You can't show that picture of him.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

That is incredible.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

That's Will Sasso.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

That's Sasso.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

That Sasso's calves. You think you have those kind of calves?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I don't think that good?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I don't know. I don't his.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Those. Here's what he is. His calves are like. Are like Nike shoes from the 80s. Untouched, unworn in box.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

That's right.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I got. I got some Reeboks that a divorced dad is putting in his front lawn for the yard sale. It doesn't mean they can't be worn. It just means they're not Nikes.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, we'll have to photograph them before you leave.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Well, that sounds like Hollywood to me. Sounds like a real barter system. Give me your calves, I'll give you a job, kid.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Now, I tell you what I've realized, and I'm not here to burst your calf bubble, first with Sasso and now this. But I've realized the baddest man on the planet, Jon Jones, the goat. The man.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Bad, meaning how he treats other people. Or do you mean like a more.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Tough, baddest man sort of people?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

He's got a resume.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

He used to say. He used to say that about Mike Tyson. He's the baddest man on that. And he didn't treat people great outside the ring either. But he was known as the baddest man on the planet. Jon Jones, basically undefeated in the ufc, goes from light heavyweight to heavyweight. No one beats him. No one touched him. He beats everyone's ass. No calves. No calves. So it's useless. You don't need them. You know, it's unnecessary. He has no calves, so your calves do not serve you because the baddest man on the planet has no calves. That's. That's what I'm saying. And I'll say, as much as there's.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

So many jokes I can make that I can't make because it'll turn into another Vin Diesel story. So I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna say he's a healthy looking man. I hope is. I hope. I hope the winds overshadow the cte.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yes, he does not. He does not have calves. But yet he'll put his shin on your temple and that'll be lights out.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Big guys have good calves. It is a thing. It's pretty cool.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, it's kind of a. You know what's weird?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Carried all that weight. I mean, the calves were doing work we didn't even know was being done.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I think it's a touch by God type situation. I really do. I really do. I feel it's random.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Touched by God.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

That's touched by the hand of God. Well, here's what I'm saying. Women are Admired for their bosom, but it's not really their doing. Some women have a beautiful bosom and others don't. You know what I mean?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

But it's for the record, you saying the word bosom is making everyone uncomfortable.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Rah.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Had you said the most perverted version synonym of that word, it would have been more acceptable.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, you got. Once I found out you're a religious man, I said to clean it up.

[Dawson]

Oh, yeah.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

No, it's okay. The man show really taught me how to sin.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Okay, so we shouldn't be praising these women for their beautiful rack anymore than we should be listening to George Clooney. But these are touched by God situation. Crabs are touched by God.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

This is chapter five of my book on false equivalencies. No, I'm just kidding. I know. I think, you know, at the end of the day, we're never going to have a president that does all the things we want. Because the person who's most equipped to be president and do a good job is not going to run for president. Because they're smart.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yes.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

And they know that there's a ceiling to what you can do. And eventually it just turns into Jim Henson. Somebody's got their hand up you, and you do what the corporations tell you.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, I think it's even.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

It's pretty obvious. It's not.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I think it's even deeper, or not even deeper, but I just mean, who is comfortable financially and successful and whatever? Who wants to have their personal life gone over with a crab comb and put on the news every day? Who amongst us doesn't have a couple things, transgressions from the past or tweets or whatever? Does anyone really want to open themselves up to that, that kind of insane scrutiny? Especially you have kids. You have a marriage. You know what I mean? You have a teenage daughter. It's like, you really want this.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I would. Yeah. I would never want. I would never want that for me or my family. I also, I think you have to be pretty delusional. You know, in some ways, you gotta be pretty delusional to think you can have a lucrative career having your own show. Like you ever being a movie TV actor like me or whatever. But. But president, it's a whole nother. You know, your idealism is just going to get curb stomped day one. You walk in there because you're gonna find out that you don't. You don't matter. Everyone thinks you matter, but you don't.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, it's kind of like the old network pilot process, you know, they Love your script. And then you go. And they sit down and then they start tearing the script apart. And then the next thing you know, it's a shell of what it was. And you're disillusioned because you thought we were gonna go do this, but you're doing something else. And there's too many chefs in the kitchen and so on and so forth. It's that and then that. With the nefarious sort of dusting of.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

A much darker version of that.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, but. But it's just it all. You go in thinking, here's what we're going to do, and you walk out feeling like, what just happened to me?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

And I think, you know, one thing I've learned to give a summation of just where I've landed with. What I think about that is I think that we always do our best in helping the actual world. When we. When we close the perimeter because everybody wants to. How do we solve world hunger? It's like your kid doesn't even talk to you. How about you worry about that? Yeah, you don't know your neighbor's first name. How about you worry about that? You know, we all want to wear capes, but nobody wants to have a gardening spade in their hand. We got to go back to basics. And if we take care of our room and our home and our kids and our neighborhood, that's really what we're called to do. If we all pitched in at a basic level, that would probably make the world a better place than to have the answer to anything.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You don't have to have after school programs. If everyone just stays together and raises their kids. You don't need deadbolts on doors. You can leave your car unlocked and your laptop on the seat. You know what I mean? In a world where everybody's intact and everyone takes care of their family and everyone raises their kids right, and so on and has a support system in that world. If you wanna go micro, then yes, there is no more crime and there is no more whatever it is you don't want. So I agree. Conversely, all the big programs in the world are not really gonna work as long as we're churning out tons of unwanted people and unleashing them upon our society. But I think you skimmed over they're eating the cats. Yes, my calf was touched by. I'm saying your calves are touched by God because it's really random and it just means he likes you better. That's all.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

He does like me. I don't think he likes me, but I know he Likes me. He likes you.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Okay. All right. So now Naked Gun, because I forgot about this. It's one of my favorite franchises, man.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I'm spoiled, dude. I get to do these biopics, like Luckiest man. I get to do these comedies with Akiva Schaefer from snl, Lonely island, that whole crew. It was a blast, man. We had so much fun.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And, I mean, the first. I don't know if you have gone back and watched the Police Squad TV series.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I haven't seen the show in years, but I did go back and rewatch the Naked Gun films.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, the series is really good. Zucker and Abrams. So I would recommend the series. I think there's like eight episodes, maybe nine episodes. It just ran on TV for, like, eight or nine. Real good stuff. And then you need to watch Kentucky Fried Movie.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Oh, right.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Which is their sort of first.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Late 70s.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Funny. Very. Like, you'll see a lot of Naked Guns and Police Squad and stuff like that. An airplane. You'll see it in Kentucky Fried Movie, but it's not linear. It's just a bunch of vignettes.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

It's a sketch movie, right?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It's a sketch movie. Yeah. All funny. Really, really clever, funny, sort of edgy stuff.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I kind of miss those sketch movies. When I say those sketch movies, really, I'm just talking about, like, Monty Python, the Holy Grail, the idea of just having pieces, and it's like sort of a woven story, but really, it's kind of the fun of bouncing around. And I think in the current, like, ADHD cell phone era, a movie like that would actually do quite well because you're only paying attention to a story for three to five minutes, and then you jump to something else.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. So you. And is Liam Neeson the Leslie Nielsen part?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Yeah, he's like the son of Leslie Nielsen's character, and I'm the son of George Kennedy's character. It's kind of that.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, really?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And it's shot.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

It's already shot. Yeah. I just. I'm doing a reshoot day in April for Paramount, kind of just sewing up the last little bit, and. And I think it'll be in the can and have a trailer out May or June. Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And when's it supposed to be released? You know.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Yeah, it comes out August 1st.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Wow.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

So I got Luckiest man in America. Comes out April 3rd, April 4th, in, I think, 800 screens, which is unheard of for an independent film. IFC is really believes in this film and is pushing it in a way few Do. Then I got Fantastic Four from Marvel. I have a role in that film. That'll drop. July 25, Naked Guns. August 1, I did a movie for Lionsgate and Bronze Studios called Americana, which is kind of like. Feels like an early Tarantino movie that's got a crazy cool cast, crazy good script. That'll drop in August at Lionsgate. And then in the fall, I got the Bruce Springsteen movie with Jeremy Allen White, the guy from the Bear, he plays Springsteen. And I play Mike Batlin, the guitar tech who helped him record Nebraska.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, I didn't know that story.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Oh, it's crazy. It's a very intimate story. It's not like. It's not like we're doing the. The fun filled Bohemian Rhapsody. Let's show how they figured out We Will Rock youk as a song. It's not like that. It's a very personal, dark, deep story about a struggling artist who has childhood trauma and is trying to grip with isolation after he becomes wildly famous.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, we're talking about Bruce Springsteen, not your character.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

No, no.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Spring Nebraska's a real departure from, like, Born in the USA and that kind of stuff.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

And the story behind it is really interesting. Really, we kind of delve into that. Rather than show the Hitmaker era, we're kind of showing him in the doldrums before he blew up even more and kind of became an icon. With the Born the USA stuff, is.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It sort of like, you know, they just had the SNL movie come out and you're like, oh, 50 years of SNL. It's like, no, one day of SNL. It's like one small part.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Not that small, but it's. It's. It's definitely like a year and a half span of his life, sort of between albums, you know.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Wow, that sounds like a really interesting project.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I really stand behind. I believe in it. It's. It's. This isn't some corporate shilling thing. I really like. There were just moments on set where we would rewatch a take, or I would just be like, I'm wrapped for the day, but I'm gonna stay 20 minutes because I got brilliant filmmaker Scott Cooper. Bruce Springsteen himself is on set hanging out. It's like, why the hell would I leave? And so I would be watching them shoot. And I'm like, man, this just. I can feel the emotionality and the drama without the score, without the editing, without. And it's like, if you can feel it, then you're really gonna feel it when it's all put together. So this year I got five or six movies coming out. I couldn't be more proud of them. And this movie, Luckiest Man America is really, is really a nice departure and a quirky time capsule piece that I hope people actually give a shot to.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Did. So Bruce was there. And Bruce obviously signed off on all the music rights and everything.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Signed off on everything. He was a total mensch. He'd show up two to three days a week and sit in the chair next to the director and whisper little things or make a note. He'd eat little fun sized like Halloween style candy bars. He just kind of hang out and answer people's questions and take selfies and stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Paul Walter Hauser]

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[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Wow, it was super cool, man.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

What an experience. And talk about variety. I mean, for you, I mean, you're doing Naked Gun, which is farcical comedy, and then Marvel, and then smaller films like this more in. Dude, it is. I mean, also, you know, I'll just go, unlikely star, because like I said, when you see George Clooney, you go, yeah, yeah, I guess. And I gave you your first big break.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Yeah, you did. Too late with Adam Carolla. 2007, 2006, something like that.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I literally came in here today and one of my guys said, you know, he worked on Too Late, your talk show. And I said, he did. And then I said, well, wait a minute, it was.05. And I said, wait, how old is he? And then I did the math and then I was like, he didn't work. He was in college or high school or something. When I did that show, I was.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

A year out of high school. I was 19, fall winter of 05 and 06, and I enjoyed the show. I was a fan of the show. I saw there was some online email address that said pitch material or whatever. So I sent a bunch of jokes and somebody got in touch with me and I would call in every now and again. They'd have me talk to a celebrity. Like I almost talked to Alec Baldwin one time or Anthony Anderson. But the ones I ended up talking to were John Stamos and Paul F. Tompkins. And then you. And I had a back and forth once or twice where I would. I would disagree with you on something and then you'd. You'd be like, cut. Cut this guy off. I don't.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I don't.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I don't like this. I. Oh, I pitched a joke one time about Tommy Lee getting electrocuted on stage, and I was like, you know, and the joke I pitched was, do you think he set it up to try to get press to become relevant again, like almost kill himself? And you guys used that? And I was all super psyched. Yeah, did.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

So how much writing and how much comedy? I mean, other than playing comedic roles, But I mean, are you writing comedy scripts? Are you getting up and doing any kind of stand up performance live?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I did stand up from the age of 16 to about 30, 32, 31.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, really?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Yeah. But I wasn't super consistent. There were guys who were like, I gotta go across town to make another open. Micah. You know, I was never willing to do that. I was like, I'll go up once a week. You know, I might miss a week or two. I was just kind of like, I wasn't fully into it because I was also screenwriting movie scripts, making short films, acting, you know, stand up. I liked it, but I was like, I don't think I'm as good as the guys who make it. I think Jamie Masada pulled me aside at Laugh Factory in Chicago, where I auditioned once to have a regular spot. And, you know, I was all excited. And he tore me a new one. Was really mean to me, but he told the truth. I didn't like how he did it, but he told me the truth. He said, this just feels like one of those SNL auditions where you're just doing little bits. Feels like somebody else could have written it for you. I don't know your voice from it. Just come back in two or three weeks. And he circled a date on the calendar and. And I was like, okay. And I was trying to be obsequious and be like, yeah, I'LL take your notes and I'll come back and I'll do better. And he goes, yeah, you're full of shit. And that night I got drunk and drank, like, 10 beers and, like, was choked up and mad and was, you know, it was raining outside. I came there in the rain from my Starbucks job in Rosemont, Illinois. Like, it was. It was devastating to me. I thought, like, I'm never gonna make it in the standup. And it was like, calm down. It's one guy's opinion, and part of it's right, you know?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, I always said to people all the time, I go, you know, comedy is like saying, I'm athletic. And I go, but what's your sport? Because if you're not in the right sport, you can be super athletic and be. Well, say Michael Jordan never played basketball. He just played baseball. That's all he wanted to do. And he would have been, you know, I don't know, fair to Midland. I don't know if we'd know his name. If Michael Jordan said no basketball, you know, starting in 10th grade, it's all baseball, would he have made it to the show? I don't know. He's a great athlete, but I don't think we know who his name was. I don't think we know the name Michael Jordan. So, you know, it's like saying, I tell people all the time, you gotta pick a sport. It's not just enough to go, I'm athletic. You know what I mean?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Yeah. No, I had to pare it down and just be honest with myself. So I got out of the racket and just kept acting. And what was funny is they offered me spots, all the spots I would have killed for back in the day. I got offered after guys like Adam Ray and Amir K coming up to me being like, hey, you want to do this thing? Skyler Stone, you want to come to the improv? It's like, they're all super nice to me, but it's the film credits. It's not like they're like, God, we love your stand up. They think I'm funny, but it's more of. It looks kind of cool on a poster on Instagram. So I've stayed away from that. But I do occasionally, if it's for charity or I just feel like going up, I'll go up. And it's fun. And my real hobby, work thing right now is wrestling. I got really into professional wrestling, and I've had about 16 or 17 matches, and now I'm looking to produce wrestling Shows like live shows or taped. And that's become kind of my thing. The way, you know, Billy Crystal loves the Yankees, Wahlberg loves golf. My thing is wrestling.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Vin Diesel loves being late.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Vin Diesel. You know what? Vin Diesel worked with Sidney Lament and Steven Spielberg. I sure as hell haven't.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, I, I, I know the guy did all the Fast and Furious movies. So I got a little behind the scenes info. So. Yeah, so you felt you were realistic with yourself, which is interesting. I did the same. I had the same trajectory with sketch comedy, sketch improv. I was like, you are good enough to do this at a certain level, but you are not good enough to do it at a high level and get paid. So you may like it, but you're not good enough at it to keep pursuing it. You're gonna have to find another direction.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I think self awareness is more of a gift than the, than the ignorance. You know, I think it's good to be able to do that for yourself. And I was, honestly, I'm way more sketch driven than standup driven. I'm, you know, today I went and did the, the weather forecast to kcal.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Mm.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

And it was, they put me on the spot and said, do it. And it was like, I basically just did like improv stand up for three minutes and was just riffing off certain things and they were laughing the whole time. And I rewatched it. I was like, damn. That was pretty funny actually.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Is it out on the.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Yeah, social media. If you go to my Instagram, because.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I've done that a few times too. It's fun.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

It was funny because I was actually nervous, but then I watched it and I'm like, oh, you would never know. I'm just like, I'm just rolling with it.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. I like, you know, again, Michael Jordan wanted to play baseball, but he really, it didn't matter what he wanted to do. It's that what he could do and what he was sent here to do was play basketball.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I think it's a gift to know that. It's nice to know that.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

The problem is not knowing kind of corners you once.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

The hard part is when you know it, but the next thing hasn't come around yet. So Michael Jordan is a perennial all star basketball, tries his hand at baseball and goes back to basketball. I was an out of work kind of loser, construction worker, sketch comedy guy who quit sketch comedy and that just left construction. Like, I didn't have radio. It's not like I became successful on radio and then quit doing sketch.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

What's Funny is you actually incorporated a lot of sketch comedy into the man show, which was the biggest break. Right. So it's like you actually ended up getting to partake in sketch comedy at a high level.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, it was all just wasn't. It was all sketch. Yeah, it was, it wasn't on the.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Blueprint, but it got there.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, it was, it was. For me, it was, it was sketch. It was just stuff I, I had wanted. Oh, I can't. My signal is off on my monitor, fellas. That's why I'm not able to see. But I can turn toward Paul's. This is kcal. This is today.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

This is today. Yeah, they posted it, so I reposted.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

All right, let's see.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

This is a little bit more of a packed sun weather and not a north face, but you make your own decision. A guy my size, we don't need a whole lot of clothes. I kind of have my own covering. But you cover up. Today we got looking good in Los Angeles. At 71, summer is not quite here, but spring has sprung. LA, you're looking fancy. You know what the reality is? LA is so full of itself that we're not really looking at the weather. We're mostly worried about how we look. Oh my goodness. What do we have here?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Santa Monica.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Santa Monica. That does not look like any beach I would frequent. It's looking a little gray in la as Loud and Wainwright would say Hollywood Hills. It's looking a little drab today, guys. Maybe stay in and been watch Love is Blind, which is what I like to do. Or some traitors watch Alan Cumming do 15 different wardrobe changes and make Beyonce look like a rookie. It looks like I'm Godzilla stepping over the city and terrorizing. But this is just a green screen. I'm just kind of walking past it.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I'm just gonna get right to the seven day.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Seven day's my favorite. What are we doing with this?

[Dawson]

Alright, here we go.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

We're gonna talk about the next seven days.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Seven day forecast. You know what? 70s. There are some places that don't have 70s. Like where I grew up in Saginaw, Michigan.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

All right, from two Falls back to you guys. Thank you, Paul. Wow, that was fun.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Just riffing, but it was. Yeah, it was fun. It was. It was that I love going back and watching on YouTube Robin Williams @ award shows because he just starts doing bits and you know that like no one's trying to cut them off. They're just like, this is fun. Let him do it.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, well, you train enough and Then you sort of fall back on it. And it'd be like if you just trained jiu jitsu for 20 years. And then all of a sudden you're walking at night out front of a restaurant and some guy grabs your shoulder.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Right.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You don't. You just go into it 100%. You're not even thinking about it. You're just into it because you've done so much training in that world.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Dennis Miller has that thing where he's very much got like a crazy library lexicon of references.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yes.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

And they'll just kind of. It's like a thing, a spindle goes on in his head and something drops out. I kind of have that too. Where it's, you know, at. It's not even. Sometimes it's about self amusement. You're not even sure it's going to hit with the audience or whoever you're doing it to, but you're like, well, this is, this is from my brain library, my cerebral, you know, storehouse.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

So any thoughts about revisiting standup? Cause I can tell you I revisited standup and I'm strong at it now and I like it. And it's a different. I look at it completely differently than I looked at it when I was trying it in earnest in my 20s. Like, I went back, you know, I took 25 years off and like went back and went, you know what? I think I'm gonna approach this as an adult now, like, not as a poor person living on a futon with sort of desperation and stars in my eyes. I'm gonna approach it from a person perspective of someone that already found success and now wants to do it for reasons that aren't monetary. For instance.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Right. That, but that, that sort of recipe internally probably makes the entire thing different for you in a good way. Right?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. But it's also, it is a thing where you go, I am old and I'm much better than I was four years ago, and I'm old. It's not like sports. You know what I mean?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

A lot of my standup was based around self deprecation and embarrassment and sort of dark humor. I was almost the butt of my own jokes. Right, Right. And I've gotten so far away from that. Sort of taken such genuine license and confidence in who I am. I like, I stopped hating myself that I almost don't know what my standup looks like now that I've evolved in some way. But I, I will say that if I felt I had something to truly say, I would definitely figure out that way. To say it. Be it stand up or some kind of a special, Maybe a hybrid comedy special.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. Well, it seems like I like what.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Bo Burnham did, where he, like, did the whole thing in his room. Did you see that?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, I didn't see that.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Oh, good God. Drop everything and watch Bo Burnham's Inside on Netflix. It's this experimental stand up show where he does music and. And characters and. And then stuff that's almost like anti comedy, Like a little bit like an Andy Coffin thing. But it's just one of the smartest, most daring pieces of comedy I've seen in a long time. And it really made me go, oh, stand up can be different. It doesn't have to be walking on a stage with a mic and the water bottle on the stool and you have three cameras set up. Like, it does not have to be that. You can find another vantage point. It just has to be good.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. I'm just saying it based on you, in the variety that you seem to enjoy. Because I really think that show. I say to people all the time, look, show business is great because you get a lot of perks and money and accolades and stuff like that. But if you are hosting the same game show for 27 years, I don't know how great it is. Because when we talk about people in sad jobs, you go, well, that guy worked at the postal sorting center in Arleta for 31 years. Then he retired and he died, you know, and you go, aww. Cause it's going to the same place, you know, but it's going to the same place. And a millionaire, but it's still going to the same place, you know, and so doing a big, farcical naked gun type comedy, doing a smaller, more intimate movie, you know, doing all the different things that you're doing and the business affords you to do, that's really the perk of show business. Like writing a book, doing a documentary, doing a live show on stage, doing a podcast, doing an independent film, you know, that's what you want. It seems like that's what you're going after.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

No, big time. I'm like that with everything. I'm like that with my music. I like Tupac Shakur. I like Joni Mitchell. I like Indian food. I like a shit burger, you know, I'm just kind of. I think variety and variance is part of my DNA. For whatever reason I do. I do just kind of need that to some degree. I don't think I would have been okay. Even. I remember at one point I was ready to settle for just a bad sitcom. And I won't say who was involved or what it was, but I'll just say it was the kind of thing where you sure as hell need a laugh track, because it's not that funny, right? But I was willing to do it because it's like, what a good life. I can make people laugh and get paid to do it. But it's funny that, you know, not getting that show and then not going forward was. It's kind of one of the best things that ever happened to me, because I look at what I do now, and I'm like, oh, man, I can't imagine being tied down to the same shtick.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

So you're gonna start writing and producing the stuff you write?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I'm writing like a madman. I have since I was a kid. I've written 20 features. I've written six original pilots, a million sketches, and short films and short stories. I finally got something with Damon and Affleck. They started a new company called Artist Equity, and I got to know them a little bit from a movie we did at Apple called Instigators. And Damon, I just hit him up one day and was like, dude, I got this thing me and my buddy wrote. We literally started writing it in 2011, and Damon and Affleck read it, and they were like, sold. We love it.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I was like, what?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

I mean, I'm talking. Five days went by, and Affleck and Damon were like, we'll pay for it. We're into it.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Wow. I was like, feature?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Wow.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

That I'm starring in with Richard Jenkins. It's like a road trip movie with me and great cast, Jenkins, and. And now we're just trying to get the pieces together and make sure we can actually make it work with schedules. But. But that's, like, something that I've been trying to do since I was 16. I've written 20 movies.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Right.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

It's been exhausting. And out of nowhere, I just randomly hit up Damon, who. I don't hit him up every day, for obvious reasons, and he said yes. So that's been the journey of trying to break into screenwriting and producing. I feel like that's just starting to happen. At the same time, the wrestling stuff is starting to happen. So I think the entrepreneurial is melding with the creative, which is what I always wanted to do.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

The what about that? David Arquette. Pussy.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

David Arquette is a tough man and a good father. I invited him to a wrestling show. He's like, nah, my kid's got to play that night, I was like, good man showing up. I love it.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I'm just trying to start a little controversy.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Look, if you want me to talk about. Also, I can't say the P word anymore.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You can't say.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Because it's such a magical, strong thing that it doesn't even feel logically appropriate to make it have that connotation. I think if we're gonna use that term, it's like, it's gotta be something like. I don't know. What would be the. The anti.

[Dawson]

That.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

That would make more logical sense in the context.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

The anti.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

You think it's a wuss.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Wuss, yeah, but wuss just sounds short for puss. You know, I have a friend.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

It's a brand new word. We can change the world right now if we gave it to him.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

At some point, I decided not to call guys douchebags, but I'd call them douche nozzles, because the nozzle's really the business end of the douche. You know, the bag's hanging on the door five feet away. So douche nozzle is one of the phrases I came up with.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Typical woke celebrity feeling like he has to change half of the term. No, I. Yeah, no, I love. David Arquette's a good dude. Let me throw some shade, though. Let me throw some shade at. At my guy Matt Cardona. That's a famous wrestler who I gotta get back in the ring with. Matt Cardona. New Jersey may love you, Long island may love you, but I'm sorry to kick your ass.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, is that coming up on April 5th, by the way?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

April 5th, I'm actually wrestling in this. It's called a battle riot. It's our version of WWE's, like, Royal Rumble, where all the guys come in every minute or two. So I'm one of 40 competitors. Long Beach Place in Long beach and at Thunder Studios. And we still have some tickets. We sold out, so we had to move venues.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, nice.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

From Commerce Casino down to Long beach at a private studio, Thunder Studios. If you or any of your buddies want to come, you'll be on my guest list. We'd love to have you.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I'd love to come out. That's April 5th, and that is Saturday, right?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Saturday night is all right.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Paul Walter Hauser. Yeah. Elton John. Well, this one, I'm glad I got this version of you, because I got the good version.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Listen, before I got sober and did all that work, I was a very fun guy to hang out with. I was very fun when I was loaded. I wasn't like a scary drunk. I was kind of fun, but I was also very sad and dark and negative. And I feel really, really good now. And I'm glad I can remember, you know, conversations I had the night before and stuff. That's pretty cool.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, come back and talk about any of this stuff you want to talk about at any time because I've really had a time talking to you. I think we took about 20 years off in between Too Late and now.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

But let's it won't be another 20 years.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Won't be another 20 years. The Luckiest man in America, April 4th. And then you can watch him wrestle on April 5th. Paul, thank you and we'll talk to you soon.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Thank you. Brother Min.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Rough Greens. Sometimes in life you want the truth. And if you want the truth, you got to take a look at the numbers. Naturopathic Dr. Dennis Black, the creator of Rough Greens. I, I spoke to this guy for a long time on the phone. He says, unfortunately, 50% of all dogs over 10 are going to die of cancer and that's widely attributed to the dog's diet. So let's get healthy. Let's get your pup healthy. I did it with my dog, Phil, and I can see the difference. There's good news. It's called Rough Greens. Thousands of five star reviews every month. Rough Greens is the number one all natural dog supplement in America. And I said, just read some of the reviews. I've done it myself. You don't have to change your dog's food to improve your dog's health. Just add a scoop of Rough Greens to it and it comes alive. It is Rough Greens. Right?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Dawson, fetch a free Jumpstart trial bag for your dog today. Go to roughgreens.com. just use promo code ADAM. That's R U F F greens.com and use promo code ADAM. And just cover shipping. You don't have to change your dog's food to improve your dog's health. Just add a scoop of rough greens.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

O'Reilly. Yeah. You know the song I Love O'Reilly. I like cars and I think you should fix things yourself. You know, don't throw everything in a landfill. Go take care of it. Go to O'Reilly. Get the part. Fix your car. Not enough people are rolling up their sleeves, man. O'Reilly Auto Parts have friendly, helpful service. I have people that have knowledge and know the parts you need to maintain and repair your car. I always went to the one up on Foothill when I lived up there back in the day. Driving my 86 Isuzu Trooper keeping that baby on the road. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you're going to find the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts have the knowledge and are helpful and best of all, are friendly. So you can stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or you can visit us online. O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

It's time for Nicaraguan name that movie with Adam's buddy Oswaldo. See if you can guess which movie this famous line is from.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Bongs. James Bonds.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

If you said any James Bond movie.

[Dawson]

Bond.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

James Bond, you're correct. Now back to the show.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I don't get why, like, why does he have to pluralize James Bond? Why is it James Bond's common mistake? And people go, it's not. That's not how we do it. And they go, yeah, well, in his country. And it's like, okay, but James Bond from England. So I don't live with him either. It's just James Bond.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

But the funny thing, too is the things sometimes that are pluralized, they singularize. When we were in South America with Alan Parsons, everyone called him Alan Parson.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Right? Well, I got my mind on my monies and my money's on my minds. You know what I mean? Like, you don't have to do it. The thing about you can go, James Bond, stop, you know, you don't have to keep going. You don't have to do it. It's not in the middle of the word plural.

[Dawson]

That's tough stuff for possession, possessive nouns. It's tough stuff for esl.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

All right. Well, I got complaints. I was driving here today and there was some stuff going on on the freeway. And there was a commotion. They were cleaning. It turned out they were cleaning the diamond lane. And so they had the CHP guy and they had the street sweeper and they had all the stuff there. But the reason I knew it is I was way behind it. But I drove over a traffic flare. A traffic flare is a stick that shoots fire out of it that they randomly just throw behind them. And in a world where you go to a restaurant or you can buy at home for like $2, you can get a little weird fake candle thing with a little battery in it and you can flick it on. It'll last for three days, you know what I mean? In a world of very inexpensive lighting.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And this was at noon, sun up. Sun up. Couldn't really even see it. But it was just a stick you don't need to put a road flare on there. But it was just. Okay, It's a stick that shoots fire.

[Dawson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

That you throw in the middle of the street. But it's like. It's a bizarre notion that in 2025, like, there's a jackknife big rig. Get the sticks that shoot fire and throw it out there. Where the jackknife big rig is, it's gets a tanker truck. Better yet, get the sticks with the fire. Okay? Everything around the freeway is just scrub and brush and dead stuff. Eventually a guy goes by in a Camry at 80 miles an hour and kicks the stick of fire off the side of the freeway into the scrub. And then we have a brush fire. Or it sits on the ground and it's asphalt and it melts it. Because asphalt, when you heat it up, gets gooey. Like it gets sticky. You can melt asphalt by just taking a torch and holding it on the asphalt.

[Dawson]

The seeds of a pothole.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. So why in 2025, with all the modern lights and LEDs and LCDs and reflectors and everything, do we have the stick that fire shoots out of? And by the way, we don't have to collect it. These guys were long gone. It's just. But what remained is the stick with the fire shooting out. And it's just rolling around the freeway on fire now, which is like all we. So I thought, you know, in la, sparklers are illegal.

[Dawson]

Correct?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Sparklers, the most benign of all fireworks. Yes, fireworks. Like it is. The sparklers are the applesauce of fireworks, right? Like, it's just nothing. Every kid likes it. It's nothing. No, it's no great shakes. It's not chicken curry or anything. It's just applesauce.

[Dawson]

Yeah, too.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Too dangerous. In the city of Los Angeles. A coat hanger that's dipped in sulfur and barely burns, that's illegal. But you can take the fire stick and just chuck it out of the back of your moving vehicle while you drive down the fucking highway. And that's completely sanctioned. No problemo. You understand?

[Dawson]

Look, we don't state sanctioned sparklers.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

We are like, we need electric leaf blowers. We can't have gas. I don't think there's a catalytic converter on a road flare. It's just open sulfur flame up into the air. It's everything we hate. We hate fire. We hate air pollution. Do you realize in Los Angeles you cannot smoke a cigarette on the beach, but you can light a mop handle and throw it wherever you want on the freeway all day, every day and it'll just burn around. So no sparklers and no lit cigarettes on the beach, but road flares remain. And I was thinking about this. Asphalt starts to soften and become pliable at temperatures around 120 Fahrenheit and become fluid at higher temperatures. But yeah, open flame on the asphalt, it just leaves a little burnt pocket of wherever it's set. Now hopefully there'll be enough guys on motorcycles knocking the flares around so they don't melt the asphalt. But whether it's the asphalt or the environment, how about it's just littering, you know what I mean? Just like you're just throwing fucking. What if I just drove around Los Angeles, I said, you know what? I'm gonna light this garbage on fire and throw it out of the window of my car. How fast would I just be fucking zip tied and hogtied?

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Okay, let's say this. I was thinking about today. I was like, no smoking on the beach. Like there's things we enforce in Los Angeles. You could park an RV and cook meth on it by the beach and sell it to school age kids, but you can't smoke on the beach. That's an issue. I think I'm gonna go out to Malibu and I'm just gonna sit in front of pch, completely devastated by the fire and I'm just gonna sit there and smoke a cigarette and dare somebody to fucking come up to me. And I'm just gonna go, you gotta put that cigarette out. And we go, why? It's fire. Fire issue. Oh, fire, is it? Wow. Let me see. Wasn't that Aaron Spelling's house? Yeah, gone. Just a huge pile of fucking burnt up G wagons. Really going to have to put this cigarette out. Okay, I'm gonna have someone film me putting this cigarette out while you talk to me about the dangers of fire. Here's my thing. Everybody should be able to smoke in Malibu until it's rebuilt.

[Dawson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I don't want any fucking lectures on fire safety while the entire hill and PCH is completely gone. Don't you agree? That sounds fine.

[Dawson]

I'm into this. I'm into this entire idea. Yeah. Cigarettes, joints, sparklers. Sparklers, amphetamine.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

How about sparkler?

[Dawson]

How many sparklers are in there now?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Grandfather time. I swear to God, three months from now, or whenever the Fourth of July is, if you stood out in the beach in front of an entire hellscape of burnt homes on PCH and lit a piccolo Pete, you would be arrested. You would be Arrested, I'd be like, what the fuck is there to burn? There's the ocean over there. I'm standing in a giant ashtray called the sand. And then all I see is rubble and devastation. So what are we gonna do? Do damage to that guy's burnt up slab.

[Dawson]

No flicking cigarettes at Aaron Spellin's house.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

2025. We still have road flares.

[Dawson]

Yeah, I know.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

In la, in California, where all everything is signs. Smokey the Bear, Fire safety, fire alerts. Fire, fire, fire, air, air, air. Danger, danger, danger. And we're just. We have 200,000 internal combustion vehicles. Vehicles that are filled with gasoline every 20 minutes going down the 134, driving over the stick with flames shooting out of it. And we have zero thoughts.

[Dawson]

Yep.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

By the way, if you were on a motorcycle, you could eat shit on that, that flaming stick. Or somebody, somebody could just be hauling ass down the freeway and see the stick of fire and swerve to avoid, avoid it and go.

[Dawson]

Right. I'm glad nobody was over there.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Right.

[Dawson]

I gave a nice little ha. Because suddenly, you know, daytime, you can't see the damn thing.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I don't know what we're doing anymore there, you can't see it. The sun's overhead.

[Dawson]

I thought the Mexican dude on the back of the truck was fucking with me personally. No, he chucked it out at me. He did. He looked me in the eyes and chucked it out at me.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I want to say this. I don't know if you saw them. Speaking of flares, I don't know if anyone saw the movie Last Breath where he went down. The commercial diver doing pipeline repair. Interesting movie. We have to go down like 3,400 watt welder, underwater mechanic for the oil industry. It's a good movie.

[Dawson]

Sick.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It's a nice movie.

[Dawson]

I'll check it out.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I was watching him. At some point his power gets cut off. He's in trouble.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

So he goes to his emergency kit. Because when you're 300ft below the north Atlantic Sea at night, it's pitch black.

[Dawson]

Of course.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Can't see your hand in front of your face. Pulls out an underwater flare, pops the cap. Now he can see walking on the sea floor on the bottom pitch. There's nothing darker than night. Atlantic walking 3ft, 300 or 400ft beneath the silo surface. It's pitch black on the surface too, but at the bottom, can't see your hand. And I thought to myself, who invented the underwater flare and why can't this guy just be in charge of everything? Because somebody said, I need a flare. Yeah, but you gotta start it underwater. And they went, I'll figure this shit out. Could you imagine if you just took every one of our retarded mayors and governors and just said, like, if we just took Karen Bass and Gavin Newsom and go, I'll give you $2 billion in 2,000 years. You two got to figure out a way to start a flame underwater that won't go out. Who thought of the underwater flare? Who invented it? Because think about that. You're in freezing water, you're 400ft below the surface, and you go in pitch black, and you just go, look, I'm just gonna reach into my kit. I can't see anything. I'll just reach my kit and I'll just pop the cap on this bad boy wearing thick gloves, standing on the ocean floor. I just put. I can barely get a lighter to work standing on a patio half the time. Are you kidding? 400ft, pitch black, thick gloves. And you have to invent this invention where you can pull this stick out. It's got a burn for 20 minutes underwater and freezing water and illuminate this area. And a guy's got to be able to do it with one hand. Just pop the cap. Fires up flame underwater.

[Dawson]

It's all magic. You know, if you don't know science, it's just magic. Right, because it's some kind of thing that burns without oxygen, right? Yeah, or use the oxygen, the water. I don't even know how it works.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

How the fuck do you get it started? Dawson, you ever try to light a cigarette when there's like a seven mile an hour breeze and you're like, ah, fuck, I gotta go inside. Like, I can't do this. Yeah, yeah. This is underwater dust. You ever tried to light a cigarette underwater Twice? That's what I'm saying.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

I didn't learn the first time.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It didn't work. It did not work. Whoever invented the underwater water flare, I just go, I want this guy in charge. I like you go, hey, that guy.

[Dawson]

Must have invented more than that. You know, that's not. I don't even think that's his major accomplishment. Whatever he did, he did something better than that side project.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Like.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Yeah, most likely borrowed and improved on other inventions. Somebody, he combined several other people's inventions. Like to snap something in half. You create the spark by putting these two compounds together.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Here's what I'm saying. Yes, but here's what I'm saying. I want to pull a guy's side and go, look I don't care about flares. This LAX TSA line is too long. Now what are we going to do?

[Dawson]

Throw flare at it.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Throw flare. No, it's not flare related.

[Dawson]

I'm just saying flood the terminal.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You're the guy who starts fire underwater, right?

[Dawson]

So what if that's his whole thing?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I think he could ease traffic in a city. I think he could turn that mind to all problems. Not this fire underwater.

[Dawson]

You're coming out as a technocrat.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yes.

[Dawson]

All right, good.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Who is the guy? What year?

[Dawson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You know, and listen, people, poo poo wars a lot, but we get a lot of good inventions out of war. I bet we got some good Nazi flair shit. This shit didn't come out of Mexico or Jamaica. That much I will tell you.

[Dawson]

The inventor actually moved to Argentina in 57.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

He became one of the boys from Brazil. All right, so I want to know. Hold on. Martha. Yeah, Martha.

[Dawson]

In Women's History Month.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

She's an American inventor and businesswoman. Developed the Coston flare, a system of pyrotechnic flares for signaling at sea, based on her late husband's work. Okay, now it makes sense. He basically, he had pretty much finished.

[Dawson]

The prototype 9/10 of the way. And she sent it home.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

But she invented. All right, so, okay, now, okay, the guy got. The last thing he did is he just went, finished a flare, it's almost done. And then he died. Right? That's her. She just worked out the logo for the packaging or something. All right, but wait a second. Was this the underwater flare? This is her. I want to know the story. I want to know the story. Because there's, you know, there's watches that are water resistant and then there are watches that are waterproof. Now there could be a water resistant. I'll bet you a regular road flare will work when it's raining outside or whatever, but underwater. So we'll figure out what Martha and what year too, because I gotta. I gotta know.

[Dawson]

Well, I might be wrong, but I think those road flares also work without oxygen. That's why they burn out like they, they. There's some chemical reaction that happens where they're feeding each other the atoms.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

But how. But you couldn't get it started underwater? I don't think. I don't know.

[Dawson]

I don't know either.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Well, I'm saying that it's called a magnesium torch.

[Dawson]

There we go. Or like Willie Pete.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

What year do you think this is? And was it her? He must have done it all. Otherwise, women. Okay, you know what women do when you go what you guys invented, they go, we invented whiteout. It's like, okay, invented whiteout. You invented smearing white gesso on typos. That's not a thing. Go with the underwater flare, bitches. That's your invention. Forget about whiteout.

[Dawson]

Yeah, but then it has this husband backstory. You know, they don't want a murky. They don't want a murky story. They want a clean one where she did it all herself.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Martha Coston, C O S T O N, patented the Coston flare, a system of pyrotechnic flares for signaling in 1859, following rough sketches left to her by her husband, a naval scientist. I don't know, ladies. Underwater flares emit high pressure jets, compressed air, and blah, blah, blah. But it's. To me, it's getting them started. That's the insane part. It's not, how do they burn? Where's the spark coming from?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

I'm sure that there's a flint and steel type compound that when you break it, they touch and they're right on the magnesium. And it just. It has no choice but to ignite.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I would. Here's all I know. If I was 4ft, 400ft under, pitch black, and I was running out of oxygen, I'd be the last thing. You'd find my body trying to start the fucking flare. That'd be me. You know, I drop it, it'd be pitch black. I wouldn't know where the fuck it was.

[Dawson]

Can't feel anything.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

All right, so this shit's been around since 18?

[Dawson]

Something like pre abolition.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, it's crazy. We had an underwater flame. Well, we didn't do anything underwater in 1851.

[Dawson]

The Rebs might disagree with you because they made a submarine.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, you're talking about the Merrimack and the Monitor. Or a submarine or. There was a submarine.

[Dawson]

That's what I mean. They had a submarine.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, they did. They did have a submarine. And their plan was to, like, go stick a bomb to the bottom of a boat that was sitting in a harbor, and it didn't. Really.

[Dawson]

Didn't work out. Technology wasn't there. The concept, you know, it's proof of concept. That's what it was.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, but then Merrimack and Minor, that was ironclad ships.

[Dawson]

Ironclad? Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Partially submerged.

[Dawson]

Oh, man. We took a civil war.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, you're right. You're right. All right, but still, like I said, underwater flare, not a lot. Not a lot of signaling going on back then. Good stuff. All right, so are you saying to me, Dawson, that we had an underwater flare that worked in like 1855, that, like, we could go underwater and start a flare at 1855, because this thing was patented in like 1851, is that we're saying, I want more info. I want more flair.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

I mean, they've obviously would have had to. Had to have tested it, right?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

I don't know who they're signaling to. That's the thing. I. I can't tell you that they're doing some signals. Except for maybe fishing.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Diving wasn't a lot of diving, though, in eight, you know, 1850.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

I mean, but there were. There were. Yeah, you know that they were. That was the main way of travel was.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, you had to fire people. There weren't diving, but they were on rafts and boats.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

They're connected in a rope and one, you know that I'm talking about the big heavy duty.

[Dawson]

I thought they made that.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Those guys would have it in case of emergency if they got. If they got disc.

[Dawson]

Pull me up.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Did they have the divers with the big bronze helmet? What year do you think that started? That's a question.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

I'm gonna say that's right around the same time it is.

[Dawson]

Right. I remember it's old timey, like cyberpunk.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

The cost and signal flare system gave the union a significant advantage during the Civil War, allowing ships to communicate effectively at night. Well, yeah, but you're on the water, but you're not underwater. Magnesium torches were used as light sources for scuba diving in the 1950s and 1960s. Yeah, that makes sense. All right. Anyway. All right, it's all you need to know more about flares. We'll take a break. We'll do some news right after this. Hey, it's Adam Carolla from the Adam Carolla Show. Betonline is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for betting on all the madness. Even if your bracket is busted, Betonline has more ways to stay in on the action. With a free Sweet 16 bracket and live betting on every remaining tournament game with the largest selection of odds on everything from college basketball to NBA, MLB, NHL and MMA. Even golf. BetOnline continues to be your number one sports betting source. From every Cinderella story to every hat trick, Betonline has you covered with odds, stats and more. Every game, every play, every win. Remember, betonline is the world's most trusted betting platform. Bet online, the game starts here. Pluto TV is the place for movie fans like me and TV fans like me. They've got Something for everyone, and it's totally free. You can binge laugh out loud sitcoms like Frasier and rewatch cult classics like Higher Learning. Whether you're in the mood to solve a little crime before bedtime with NCIS or Tracker, or curl up with a surefire hit like Forrest Gump.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Run, Forrest.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Pluto TV has thousands of movies and shows, all for free. Pluto TV stream now. They never.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

It's time to check Adam's voicemail.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Hey, Ace, I know you got a bucket list like jumping off the prow of a ship with the dagger in your mouth. And I just completed one that I didn't know was on my bucket list, which was punching a hawk out of the sky. So I just got a new Labrador puppy, and she was playing in the backyard, and I saw this hawk post up on the electric wire, and it had its intentions on the dog, so I just kind of hovered over it, and it swooped down and I just punched a hawk out of the sky. Yeah, get it off.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744.

[Dawson]

Sick.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Mayhem.

[Dawson]

Sick.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I want you to say to me, yeah, you had a Labrador puppy, and it was snatched up and taken by a hawk. Say that to me.

[Dawson]

I had a Labrador puppy, and unfortunately, a hawk came down, snatched it from us.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, my God. That is unthinkable. That is. Oh, God, I weep for you. Okay, now tell me you had a Chihuahua and a hawk snatched it up.

[Dawson]

Well, you know, we had this Chihuahua, totally adorable. His name is Clyde. He got snatched by a hawk.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. Good. Where do you want to eat?

[Dawson]

Chipotle.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, an scene. That's what I. That's my take between Chihuahuas and Labradors. That's exactly what it is. You know what?

[Dawson]

I. I'm with you.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Good God.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

All right, so first, diving helmet.

[Dawson]

Oh, what? Welcome back to flare talk.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

That's right. 1820s. All right, what do you got?

[Dawson]

All right, luxury RV company is trying to evict the group of quarters. Excuse me, squatters. Who took over a storage lot of campers in the city of luxury RVs.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You know what I'm starting to realize? Remember when you were a kid, some kid would, like, steal a piece of your candy or what have you, and then you would go, hey, get my candy back. And they go, a possession is 9, 10 of the law. Remember that one? And I would go, no, it's not. You can't just take. I can't take your computer and then say, give it back. And then you tell me that possession. That the person who stole it is 9/10 of the law, but I'm starting to think that's true. And in la, it's just, yeah, we were here and now we're in this luxury. Is that your rv? It is not my rv, but I'm living in it, so fuck off. Like, that's, that's where we're just at now. We're just. Just a bunch of fucking crazy, gypsy, druggy hobo homeless people that just fucking live in other people's shit. There's nothing you can do about it.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Yeah, but there's something. There's something really spooky and weird about this whole situation. Something sinister. This guy bought a hundred brand new RVs and parked them on a lot that apparently has no security or gates or fences and then disappeared.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It looks like, you know, it doesn't have fences around it.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

I. I just looked on the, on the thing. Well, well, whatever they have, it's not working. If they have.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, yeah, they have. There's a fence, barbed wire on it, like.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

But this person paid, you know, his first month's rent on storage and disappeared a couple years ago.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Disappeared?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Yeah, well, that's what I heard on KABC today.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Huh.

[Dawson]

Huh.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

So maybe he's wanting to collect the insurance, right?

[Dawson]

Or something just like, I don't know, flyers, hobo, hideaway.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

But look, the whole point is sparklers are illegal.

[Dawson]

Yes.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Good thing, sparkles.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

If any of these people tried to smoke or light a sparkler, the fucking full weight of law would come down upon them.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

It's great how they called that safe and sane fireworks. As if safe wasn't enough. Nope. Better be sane, too.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yep, save and sane. So these are luxury RVs?

[Dawson]

Yeah, they. They're, you know, priced between 40 grand and 100 grand. And they try to use security teams to retrieve them, but the ones they did get were trash. The other ones were just. Incited a riot and they chased the security teams out of there. Yeah, it's a drug village.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It looks like it's a mess. It is a goddamn mess.

[Dawson]

Yeah. And they, you know, the city says. The city doesn't own the site and there's a private trespass dispute between property owners and a private.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I don't. This, this, this thing where it's the private party being.

[Dawson]

What is all that junk?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

That's the crazy part, but the other part is sort of like, look, this thing where it's like, well, you went out of town for three days and some squatters came in and moved into your house. There's really nothing we can do. Really? What do I pay you for, city? What are we paying taxes for if there's nothing you can do? And how come you can do everything with me? I just got my van towed. Because you can tow people's vans, like, no problemo. That's not an issue for you. Or you can tear down people's tree houses. Yeah, yeah, if you like. So you can do a lot if people. Look, I've said it a million times. These people are empty bags. They don't have checking accounts they can't cut. The city needs money. They're running at a huge deficit. The state and the city, they need money. Why would they engage in things that cost them money, that didn't bring them money? When they tow my van, it costs them money, but they get a tenfold return on their investment.

[Dawson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

You see what I'm saying? So they make money off of me because I pay taxes and I have a checking account. These people don't do any of that. So they're empty bags. So they're not going to do anything to them. And then we will essentially live in a society that has two sets of laws. The laws that the taxpayers have to abide by, and then there's another set of laws that nobody has to abide by as long as you're destitute, homeless, and cannot pay the city, which is not really the way cities should be run.

[Dawson]

Yeah, I mean, but that's a strategy though. So they just, you know, these poor people get stuck in this poorness and then get busted and then stay in the poorness and their family. Why they last feed into that prison industrial complex and then those guys get out and then do the exact same thing. It's. It's hell.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Can I say this? The first motherfucking busted up RV that goes to park in Malibu on pch. I'm gonna fucking set it on fire. Like, no, not let it become a thing. I will fire an underwater road flare.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

From a fucking wrist rocket into that goddamn rv. Do not let it happen again.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Do not.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

The problem is, is everyone sits around and does nothing. Before you know it, there's 30 RVs. And then everyone goes, what are you.

[Dawson]

I saw two RVs being yanked out of a area that had a lot of RVs. And I realized the way to get them out of there is to crash into them with like a junker car. Oh, yeah, go in this run. Because once they were wrecked, the cops came and took him away. It was just some drunk ran into him. But I Realized that that's the strategy right there.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Well, that drunk was a hero. All right, so we've lost it. It's gone. It's over. This is homeless people. It's done. We haven't done it. We can't do anything.

[Dawson]

Don't give up, Ace.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

We can't do anything with the current folks that we have in place. That's what I.

[Dawson]

Well, it's coming. All right, tech expert says anyone who shared their DNA with 23andMe needs to delete their data from the genetic information service before the company is sold to the highest bidder. We have them on tmz.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. Go ahead, sir.

[F]

DNA is something you're stuck with for the rest of your life. It's not like a password that you can change, and so you need to protect it. So my advice to you and to everybody else out there, whoever did 23andMe, is go in and tell them to delete it now. I would argue it's worse than getting your Social Security number because your DNA is already here in 2025, the key to so much about who you are as a person. So, first of all, it contains information about your ancestry. It contains information about your family tree. Famously, it can be used to determine what are called non paternity events within a family lineage when somebody claims they are a dad. And maybe they're not biologically, really. But even more scary, I think, for all of us is that it contains clues about your health, your likelihood to have certain conditions, certain kinds of diseases. And you know who would like to have that information? Insurance companies. Imagine 10 years from now, 20 years from now, when the science says, advance further. What will we be able to learn from DNA then? So this is often a problem with data, right? Like in the moment, you're thinking, think, oh, well, what's so bad about that? What are they going to do with this? But it catches up with you. And the more data you got out there, the more problems you're going to face later in life.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

All right, so it's 2025. You can spit in a cup and send it to Bethesda, Maryland, and the person can examine your spit and decide whether you like broccoli or not. Yet we still use sticks that shoot fire and throw them into an open highway. Wait, wait, it's 2025. They study your DNA from you spitting into a test tube and sending it to Battle Creek, Michigan, spitting that cup. Oh, shit. Don't tell me.

[Dawson]

Oh, man, I just sent the sample.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, my God. You can do that or you can Take a stick that shoots fire and throw it in the middle of the street.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

What?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Is it old or is it new? Where is. Where are we living? Are we living in modern times or are we not living in modern times?

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

You know what?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

All I want, All I want out of these modern times is to take a burrito that's wrapped in foil and put it in the microwave. You know, I just want to be able to do that.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

If somebody said to me, listen, Adam, I have a microwave where you can put foil, where you can get. You know, you're talking burrito, Dawson. But the worst is when you get the Italian food.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

And it's all stuck to the top.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

The pasta primavera, not the top. They give you the fucking foil container. The foil. When you do Italian, you get foil.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And then the next day you're scooped up. But all the good stuff, all the fatty, creamy stuff that's all stuck to the serrated sides and then you're scraping it along the. Whatever. If somebody said to me, look, I got a microwave, you just put the whole fucking foil thing in there and cook it up. You eat it out of that foil thing. But it's $1 million. I'd go, okay, you know what? It's worth it. It's worth it. It's gonna have a greater impact in my life. Yes. Can you make a fucking microwave where you get the Chinese food that comes in the thing? Remember it used to have the little wire handle on it? I can just throw it in, wire and all, Wire and all. That's the world I want to live in. Instead, we're using the stick with the fire to cook our food.

[Dawson]

A 19 year old healthcare worker in Georgia is facing a felony charge after a Tick Tock video showed her twerking on the head of a disabled person. You might want to see this video.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

She's in the. He's in the tub.

[Dawson]

In the tub.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And she's doing a weird twerk. But did she feed him like a Scooby treat?

[Dawson]

Great. I'm not sure.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, she has treats for him.

[Dawson]

And then she has another one. This is one of her best hits.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

So these are people that like, brain dead.

[Dawson]

Yes. You know, I have a disabled friend who would go nuts for this. He would be so happy this happened to him. It'd be the crowning achievement of his Tick Tock career.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I just like the fact that she has Scooby treats for these people. Like, she's feeding them.

[Dawson]

Gotta feed them. Yeah. She's a health care worker. Her name is Lucrezia Corval Coinin of Loganville. She was charged with exploitation of a disabled person after authorities were alerted to the viral video footage.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Can I say this?

[Dawson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Just for everybody, I don't want to turn everything into a race riot, but this is a very black chick who's twerking at the second one on top of a young white chick's head. It's not racism.

[Dawson]

That was a chicken.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

The second one. Okay, I'm saying cnn. If it was a white nurse twerking on a black chick's head, it wouldn't be racism either. But you guys would say it was, and then and Al Sharpton and all the bitches from the View would mobilize and then we'd have a big fucking national argument over the redhead chick who twerked on top of the brain dead black chick. It's not racism. That direction or the other direction. Except for you guys would fucking go nuts with it if it was a white ch doing it on a black chick's head. So I'm just saying, in response to.

[Dawson]

The backlash, she actually posted a video. So you can hear her right here, right now.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It's a video that's going viral of me. Wait, you can pause it for a second. Okay, we have a video explanation. Both victims in the video are black males. Except for that person. Looks light or something.

[Dawson]

It's a light skinned. That's a black dude.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, God. I thought it was a chick.

[Dawson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, yeah, it's a mustache. Sorry. What happened to all the black males? I mean, when they all become vegetables. Okay, sorry, go ahead. Right now it's a video that's going viral of me, the healthcare worker that's dancing on top of her patient's head. Is not what it is. Trust and believe. All I gotta say for now is angles play a big part, but we gonna get into that another time. Okay? A lot of people in the comments talking about sexual, just all type of dumb. All right, let me say something. She's saying it's the angle. It's not what you think it is. So on and so forth. Now let me explain life back to racism, okay? When those border patrol guys on the horses were like whipping the reins around and there were black Haitians trying to cross the river from certain angles. It could look like you were beating them.

[Dawson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

And then those guys would go, no, man, I'm on a horse and that's the reins and I'm pulling or I'm bringing the horse around and you're seeing what looks like this but it's not that she's kind of making the same argument. She's going, yeah. It's just the angle. Looks like. Here's the problem. There's no nursing protocols I'm aware of where you stand up on a chair and squat on someone's head. Now, if there was some nursing protocol called, like, the tush head buff technique or something, then she would go, well, no, I was doing this, and you guys thought I was twerking. But I've never seen a nurse stand on the arms of a chair and squat on someone's head.

[Dawson]

No, I have. I have.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're at a strip club and she was wearing a nursing outfit.

[Dawson]

Well, I mean, it's not a real nurse.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

No, not registered.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Look, boss, all I'll say is the hospice guidelines in California are all over the place.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, you're right.

[Dawson]

I know. I've just checked myself out of hospital.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I'm saying that her thing is an angle. Her things, an angle thing. Like, again, the guys on the horses go, it looked like, but I wasn't really.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

It's neither here nor there. It doesn't matter if it's an angle. It's like when everyone said that Hunter Biden's laptop was Russian disinformation. Well, good thing there's no videos of him doing coke off of strippers, right?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. Well, so seeing how I can't think of any reason why you would have to squat on a patient's head, then I'm gonna go, this is all wrong.

[Dawson]

Internet points.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Heimlich.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Heinlich.

[Dawson]

Heinlich. Oh, my goodness.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

All right, sorry. So, Well, I. I like her explanation. What was her explanation?

[Dawson]

Yeah, yeah. What was it? She just was like.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

She's like, hate. It's gonna hate. I love that. Her explanation is precious.

[Dawson]

Yeah. Wait, run it. Run it.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Worker that's dancing on top of her patient's head is not. What it is is trust and believe. All I got to say for now is angles play a big part, but we going to get into that another time. Okay. A lot of people in the comments talking about, all right, can I just say this?

[Dawson]

Oh, I see.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Look, if you got something, let's hear it. You know what I mean? Like. Like. Like, if someone goes, were you on the. On that cop car hood during the riot, dancing on the hood? And then I'd go, no, there was a cop dog that was attacking me. So I jumped up on the hood, and they go, oh, okay. There's lots of weird stuff where you go, well, that Looked like you were doing this, but you're like, no, I wasn't doing that. I was doing this. And now. Now's the time to hear it. But not just saying it's not what you thought it was. You need to talk about what it was, what it was like, what is this? And why are you filming yourself doing it? And what other nursing procedures do you film yourself doing?

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Right. It's a breakthrough new therapy.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

I mean, it got me standing up straight.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

All right.

[Dawson]

She says they felt very well aware and comfortable.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, I. You know, look, there's no real victims here. I mean, the victims are the family of the guy.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, was, you know, a Vietnam vet who was brain dead. Now he's got some 18 year old twerking on her head.

[Dawson]

Yeah. She's actually still in the jailhouse right now. Why? Authorities are reviewing whether her other victims may be involved. So that's. What's the latest with her.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

But what about a movie, like a Robert De Niro Robin Williams movie where the patients wake up the next day, and then at some point the word gets out that she has a magical ass. You know what I mean? And then people start lining up. Could you twerk on Nana Banana hasn't spoken a word in four years. Come over. And then Terri Schiavo's parents are like, calling up like, could you twerk on our daughter? And she's getting. People are lining up, you know, to have her and her magical ass buns twerk on people's heads. Cause the three people she did woke up miraculously the next day. And they talk about a dream of a brown angel who'd come down and visited them upon their head this summer.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Lucretia and the Magic Ass.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, Oprah produces. I'm watching. They made that movie with Dane Cook. It was like, good luck, Chuck.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

He was with a woman, and then every woman he was with he broke up with, went on and got married. So all the single women started trying to date him so they could have him bang them, and then they would get married and find love. And there was a line.

[Dawson]

Yeah. Tyler Perry presents Touched by Lucretia.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Touched by Lucretia. Yeah. I'm telling you, if these two people woke up the next day and then you saw this tape, you would get in line to get your nana to have her twerk on Nana's head. I'm just saying it'd be a good movie.

[Dawson]

Shoot my shot with Lucretia right now before she gets big.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

All right. Five Hour Energy. Yeah, yeah, I'll tell You, I use this stuff when I travel. I need it because it's like late night shows, early morning wake up calls, heading to the airport. You can go to Five Hour Energy and check out Five Hour Energy's website to find over 15 flavors to choose from. With flavors like watermelon, Tropical burst, blue, raspberry, peach, mango and more, there's a flavor for just about everyone. But it's really the results you're looking for is the energy. Check out regular strength strawberry, lemonade, extra strength fan fuel and more. You even have the option to build your own 12 pack or 24 pack. You choose the flavors and they'll deliver it right to your door. But if you're out and about, you can always pick up five Hour Energy and you do it in a shot at your local grocery or convenience store. You know, it's everywhere you get that energy you need. They are Five Hour Energy. All right, Stu, you got one more.

[Dawson]

One more story. Silicone breast implant, Botox and fillers were all plastic surgery marvels that sparked multi billion dollar industries. But now there are signs that the next big demand. You want any guesses here?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I hope. Could we start a trend where it's like, oh, you know, Adam, sperm on your head, that'll fucking make you look 10 years younger. And like the Kardashians are lining up and stuff. And I'm like, hold on, I'm just one man, let me see if I can work stuff up. Like, all right, now just hook you.

[Dawson]

To a milking machine.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, yeah, just hook me up. Like it just. We get the word out there, the Corolla sperm is the next big fad. Yeah, they do like, I don't know, turtle sperm or salmon sperm or something. Come on now, come on. And we just get it started and then they start lining up. Start with the A Listers. I'll work my down, way down to the extra.

[Dawson]

Well, I appreciate your entrepreneurial spirit, but the Big Free. Oh, my bad.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

All right. Well, I was going to be a lister, but I can't go free. The next big demand is foreskin regeneration, a new technique.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

That's part of it. That's what I'm talking about.

[Dawson]

So far. Only explored on animal penises, but it works by removing cells from a donor's foreskin and growing the patient's cells over the top.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It only worked on animal ones. So far.

[Dawson]

So far. Okay. And this is interesting.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Hold on, Doge, if you're listening.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

We could probably cut a little spending from doing experiments on animal cocks about their Foreskins. Like if you're listening, Elon, get this, get this.

[Dawson]

The phase two trials, they removed the cells from adult human foreskins donated by deceased men. I don't know how you sign up for that. Recolonize them.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I'll tell you how you sign up for it. You check the box at the DMV that says organ donor. I went to a penis enlargement place.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, it did.

[Dawson]

All the organ donors donated their organs over there.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I said I was a man show bit and I said, they go, well, we get the cells or whatever from cadavers to be injected into guys cocks. Yeah. I go, who agrees to that when you're an organ donor? You know, I go, they do that thinking they're going to give some teenager a gift of sight again. Or a liver, not injecting some Chinese businessman's cockpit. Well, that's. You check the thing. You check the box, bro.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

At the funeral, part of the eulogy was. And you know, his. His tragic accident saved a 15 year old boy and needed a new heart. And then an aging grandfather needed a kidney. And Mr. Wang is here tonight.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Mr. Wang?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah. You see that bolt? I know.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Mr. Wang. Show us the cock. Show it.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Come on. Many people think wearing a Speedo to awake is inappropriate, but. Wait, you get a look at this? Yeah, they don't advertise that part of it at the dmv, but that's where that shit comes from.

[Dawson]

Thanks for educating me. Yeah. They actually took the deceased men's cells and recolonized them with rat cells. These were implanted into the rats with researchers finding the foreskin quickly connected to the host's blood supply. So it just grows.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Can I say this, please? There's. I talked to the guys who do the foreskin restoration stuff. They use weights. Yeah, I've heard stretch.

[Dawson]

Well, they have a 400 or. Yeah, a $400 machine that will do that for you. Just. Just a heads up if you want to get on Amazon later.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Here's what I'm. What I'm basically saying, guys, you got. You got circumcised before you could remember. Turn the fucking page. Turn the page. Moving on.

[Dawson]

Move on.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Stop looking at yourself as a victim. Stop looking at yourself as mutilated. Just move the fuck off. Just stop looking in the foreskin. Rearview mirror. Stop it. I don't know any successful circumcised guy that laments the loss of his foreskin. That becomes a full time fucking job. And I need you to go on and flourish. Not Sit around and lament the loss of your pre pews.

[Dawson]

Yeah. Well, look, there's going to be a trial of 15 men who express dissatisfaction.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I don't like any of those guys.

[Dawson]

Yeah, me neither. Donated foreskins will first have their cells removed before the patient's cell are grown onto them. So they're doing it. Yeah, it's coming. Fifteen lucky guys will have a new turtle head.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

It's also an out of. You know, it's also. We're officially out of problems as a society if this is what we're focusing on.

[Dawson]

I'm getting foreskins on all my knuckles. That way I could just sock everybody.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Up, punch everyone right in the face.

[Dawson]

Right in the face.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Oh, that's good.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Mayhem making you cake.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

I'm thinking maybe I'll get my cauliflower ear all jammed up with the foreskin. I'm thinking maybe foreskin over the top so I look like wharf from Star Trek.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Yeah, yeah. Foreskin, knuckles, foreskin, knuckle foreskin.

[Dawson]

Just covered in foreskin. I'm undefeatable. Toad styles unstoppable.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I think the foreskin is called the prepuce. Listen, buddy, I'm gonna get a foreskin.

[Dawson]

And then go again to the clinic and get a five skin.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Five. I'll do you one better, okay? It's called a pre pews. And then why do I know a foreskin is called a prepuce?

[Dawson]

Why do I know that a pubic wig is called a merkin?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

That's semi common now.

[Dawson]

Okay.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Prepuce. A little deeper.

[Dawson]

Yeah, so that's a bit more esoteric.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Prepuce. Technical term for foreskin.

[Lucrezia Corval Coinin]

The fuck?

[Dawson]

How do you know that? Did you go to a bris recently?

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I got called prepuce. When? High school. My buddy Seb just called me foreskin. I thought it was funny. It'd be a fucking hate crime now. Pre pews. Yeah. All right, let's bring it home. I. I'm starting to get wood here.

[Dawson]

We're done, bud. That's the news.

[Paul Walter Hauser]

I'm gonna be in San Diego April 11 doing two shows of their American Comedy Club, and then the 12th as well. San Diego, it's the smallish club. So you want to get those tickets gothamcroll.com for all the live shows. The new movie, the Luckiest man in America is coming out April 4th, and they've got the wrestling event in Long Beach. That's on the fifth. Paul Walter Hauser. Interesting dude. And until next time, Sam Crolla, Paul Walter Hauser and Mayhem saying, mahalo.

[Jason Mayhem Miller]

Pick up your telephone and leave us a message at 888-634-1744 and get tickets to see Adam Corolla live. You can get them and much [e-mail].

[Paul Walter Hauser]

Hey, this is Adam Krolek. You can now find me on Substack and Rumble, so I'll see you kids there.