Phil Rosenthal + Beth Littleford (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show Episode Summary: Phil Rosenthal + Beth Littleford (Carolla Classics)

Release Date: November 30, 2024

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Introduction and Guests

In this special edition of Carolla Classics, host Adam Carolla welcomes two esteemed guests: Phil Rosenthal, the creator of Everybody Loves Raymond, and Beth Littleford, a veteran actress and comedian. The episode delves into a blend of candid conversations, humorous anecdotes, and insightful discussions surrounding career dynamics, parenting, and the intricacies of the entertainment industry.

Key Topics Discussed

1. Navigating the Entertainment Industry

• Career Challenges: Phil Rosenthal shares his journey from creating a beloved sitcom to exploring other creative ventures. He discusses the hurdles he faced in sustaining success and transitioning between different roles within the industry.

  Phil Rosenthal (02:04): “Creating Everybody Loves Raymond was just the beginning. Transitioning to new projects always comes with its set of challenges.”

• Collaboration and Creative Differences: The conversation touches upon the importance of collaboration in creative endeavors and how differing creative visions can impact professional relationships.

  Adam Carolla (03:37): “Sometimes, collaborating with others means dealing with sharp differences in creative direction.”

2. Parenting and Work-Life Balance

• Balancing Career and Family: Both Phil and Beth discuss the delicate balance between maintaining a successful career and dedicating time to family. They share personal strategies for managing time and setting priorities.

  Beth Littleford (15:03): “Finding that balance means sometimes making tough choices, but ultimately, family comes first.”

• Parenting Challenges: The guests delve into the challenges of parenting, especially in high-pressure environments like the entertainment industry. They emphasize the importance of being present and supportive despite demanding schedules.

  Phil Rosenthal (22:58): “It’s easy to get caught up in work, but being there for your kids is irreplaceable.”

3. Reflections on Personal Growth and Success

• Overcoming Setbacks: Phil shares anecdotes about overcoming professional setbacks and the lessons learned from failures. He highlights resilience as a key component of long-term success.

  Phil Rosenthal (37:59): “Every setback taught me something valuable. It’s about how you bounce back that defines your career.”

• Redefining Success: The discussion includes redefining what success means beyond traditional metrics like fame and financial gain. Both guests advocate for personal fulfillment and happiness as integral parts of success.

  Beth Littleford (91:17): “Success isn't just about awards or recognition; it’s about finding joy in what you do every day.”

Notable Moments and Quotes

• Humorous Rants and Banter: True to Adam Carolla’s signature style, the episode features moments of unfiltered humor and witty banter between the hosts and guests.

  Adam Carolla (06:23): “If you ever find something that seems weird, like there's a guy who never picks up a check, and then he picks up the check. You always have to say, why did Bernie pick up the check?”

• Insightful Observations: The guests offer deep insights into the nature of the entertainment business, emphasizing the importance of adaptability and continuous learning.

  Phil Rosenthal (116:22): “In this industry, adaptability is your best friend. You have to keep evolving to stay relevant.”

• Personal Anecdotes: Both Phil and Beth share personal stories that highlight their experiences and growth within the industry, providing listeners with relatable and inspiring narratives.

  Beth Littleford (215:05): “When I took that week off, it was like looking through a different lens. I realized what truly matters.”

Insights and Conclusions

The episode serves as an engaging exploration of the multifaceted lives of Phil Rosenthal and Beth Littleford. It underscores the significance of resilience, the pursuit of personal happiness, and the necessity of maintaining strong family bonds amidst professional demands. Adam Carolla facilitates a space where the guests feel comfortable sharing their vulnerabilities and triumphs, offering listeners valuable lessons on balancing career ambitions with personal fulfillment.

Takeaways:

• Resilience is Key: Overcoming failures and adapting to change are essential for sustained success in any field.
• Prioritize Family: Balancing professional commitments with family responsibilities leads to a more fulfilling life.
• Redefine Success: Personal happiness and fulfillment should be integral components of one’s definition of success.

Notable Quotes with Attribution and Timestamps

1. Phil Rosenthal on Career Evolution

   Phil Rosenthal (02:04): “Creating Everybody Loves Raymond was just the beginning. Transitioning to new projects always comes with its set of challenges.”

2. Beth Littleford on Parenting Priorities

   Beth Littleford (15:03): “Finding that balance means sometimes making tough choices, but ultimately, family comes first.”

3. Phil Rosenthal on Resilience

   Phil Rosenthal (37:59): “Every setback taught me something valuable. It’s about how you bounce back that defines your career.”

4. Adam Carolla on Creative Differences

   Adam Carolla (03:37): “Sometimes, collaborating with others means dealing with sharp differences in creative direction.”

5. Beth Littleford on Redefining Success

   Beth Littleford (91:17): “Success isn't just about awards or recognition; it’s about finding joy in what you do every day.”

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This episode of The Adam Carolla Show offers a blend of humor, candid discussions, and heartfelt reflections, making it a must-listen for fans seeking both laughter and meaningful insights.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Brian Bishop]

You're either someone who settles for sad.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Beth Littleford]

Good bur.

[Dawson]

Welcome to Coroll Classics.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast.

[Dawson]

We play the best moments, highlights and.

[Adam Carolla]

Fans like the clips from all 15 years of the Adam Karolla show. We have an ad free companion podcast feed titled Kroll Classics with the archives.

[Dawson]

Exclusively available throughout substack along with a.

[Adam Carolla]

Brand new show, beat it out, featuring.

[Dawson]

Adam and Jay Moore and various other early and ad free releases. Make sure to check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Subscribe.

[Dawson]

If you'd like to request a clip.

[Adam Carolla]

Please email us Classics.

[Dawson]

All right, coming for the first clip.

[Adam Carolla]

Today we have adam Kurlo show 618.

[Dawson]

This one's featuring Phil Rosenthal, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop.

[Adam Carolla]

Check it out. Oh, Jesus. Where do I begin with saying hello to us Ball Brian. Hello. I agree with ball Brian. Hello, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam. Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. So do you remember last night after we did the show at Irvine? Representative Richard Martin was in our dressing room.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And we're all standing around getting ready to leave. And he said, you guys like music?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And he said, have you ever checked out this radio station?

[Allison Rosen]

I tried to check it out today.

[Adam Carolla]

88.5 out in Northridge, CSUN out in the Valley. It's a college station, but it's not, you know, all colleged out. That's not all B sides and all that stuff. They do some pop stuff. It's a nice mix. And then you were like, what do they play? What kind of stuff do they play? And he's like, it's just a good mix. It's just a good mix. And you're like, well, he's a smart guy.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not like kroq. And it's not.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, just. It's just a good mix. And you asked a few times, what is it? What is it that they play over there? And he said, I can't put into words. I'm just telling you, check it out. You'll not be disappointed. So I was driving over tonight. I was out there on 4 Salon Drive appropriately. And I thought, you know what? I don't have to listen to Look Sharp by Joe Jackson time and time again. I can check out Republican Richard Martin and 88.5 on the FM dial, right? I skipped over there and I thought, you know what? It's going to be interesting. I want to bust the hymen on this bad boy. What are they going to be playing? Because he recommended this. Now, I'm not making this up.

[Allison Rosen]

No, you're not.

[Adam Carolla]

24 hours ago. And he recommended it very highly.

[Allison Rosen]

Very highly.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Dawson]

Thought it was a strange choice at the time for a Republican senator or congressman.

[Adam Carolla]

College station.

[Allison Rosen]

He was passionate about it and he sold it. Like I'm telling you. I tried to check it out today, couldn't get it.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, you can't get me to. Well, I gotta watch my. I didn't. I didn't watch me on the Tonight Show. I'm not going to listen to Republican Representative Richard Martin. The point is, I just was compelled and I had a little moment where I was like, ah, it's over on the other side of the dial. Then I said, adam, stop being such an asshole and start listening to people. Because maybe they got good ideas and maybe they like music.

[Allison Rosen]

The voice in your head.

[Adam Carolla]

The voice was in my head, like, just fucking back off and just listen to someone else's shit for a second. So I turn all the way down the dial to 88.5 and this is what I heard. Although this is the beginning. I was knee deep in it when I got to it. It's coming.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe to him. This is new music.

[Adam Carolla]

Right in the middle of the fucking extended dance version of the worst song ever made.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like I'm laughing cause I'm in pain.

[Adam Carolla]

This is Steve Miller going, I did not fuck with people's skulls. I did not ear fuck enough people in 1978 when this song.

[Allison Rosen]

There's people out there who haven't heard this song.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's a whole new generation of folks I haven't turned into retarded or disabled because of my horrific lyrics. So you know what? I need to put a fucking fresh touch on that beautiful warm wind that's blowing from the past. And I don't know when he thought it'd be a great idea to fucking light the Bunsen burner under this fucking cat turd. But it's back, everybody. And I was just in the car, just going, oh, my God. Oh, my God. He told me to go to this radio station playing Abracadabra.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like he's not a true friend.

[Adam Carolla]

He's an absolute. I'll give you a. We made him sigh now. I'll give you.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll give you Dawson bopping around.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll give you a little glimpse. I'll give you a little glimpse into the window of a Republican Richard Martin. On the way home, I drove home. On the way home, he was explaining to me and Mike lynch, who knows something about music that, you know, there's a lot of good Journey songs. And we're like, there's a couple, but not too many good ones. I was like, well, you know, Wheel in the Sky, That's a good song. And we're like, I don't know. We're all. The wheel in the sky keeps me yearning. And he's like, yeah. And I'm like, no. And poor Mike is like, that song sucks. Don't know where I'll be tomorrow Ooh, the wheel in the sky Keeps on turning.

[Allison Rosen]

Does he only like songs that get stuck in your head and make you want to kill yourself?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. And I immediately called Mike and I said, mike, you can't fucking believe what's on the goddamn station. And then I said, I gotta stay with it now. I stayed with it, then went. And Steve. All right, we're back. Steve Miller in studio. Steve brought the band out here. I was like, whoa, Steve Miller's in studio.

[Allison Rosen]

I was a, he's still alive. And B, I was gonna say, what is it about you that, like, you dig in when you find something unpleasant or painful, you see it out. But if it ended up with Steve Miller in studio, it was worth it.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. So I just feel like the wheel in the sky is working for me. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow. It keeps me yearning. You know, this guy's turning a vise on your head to slowly turning rhyme, turning with yearning. All I know is, what would you.

[Dawson]

Rhyme turning with.

[Adam Carolla]

Something if something tragically ever happened? To Steve Miller, and you were the guy who took him out. All you'd have to do is play this song.

[Allison Rosen]

I would say, I did it for the pompous of love.

[Adam Carolla]

I would just have my. You know, my entire defense would be, hey, bailiff, push the boombox. Push. Play. Here we go. You might get manslaughter. That would be the worst you would ever get after. After hearing this song more than once, I. What year did this come back? Dawson hurt.

[Dawson]

There it is.

[Adam Carolla]

We need, like, somebody. It's like. It's like somebody saying, hey, man, what's it been, 10 years since those planes hit the tower? Come on, we gotta crank it up again. What's going on, man?

[Dawson]

My wife's car has the ipod adapter, right? So whenever I go in, I plug in my ipod, and that's every song that's on my music collection. Songs that are on compilations and best of and such and such. And it automatically starts playing from the first song alphabetically. I think the first song that comes up is Abracadabra. Abracadabra Every time I plug it in.

[Adam Carolla]

Released in the fall of 87, became a smash hit in the spring of 88. And the original song. 77. 87. The original song.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, fuck, we're doing.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait, the original. No, I want to know when this. When this song got released. 2010. Oh, 2010.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, no wonder it's so fresh sounding.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God, you have to be a fucking hack. How big a hack do you have to be to go, hey, that fucking piece of shit I made 20 years ago? Let's fucking. Let's put a dance beat behind it. I got nothing else.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God, this song is so bad. Please boycott Steve Miller just for this flaming piece of shit.

[Dawson]

You had, like, a loose tooth. You had to keep poking at it.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't want to. He can't be 88.5. In Steve Miller's defense, Ace. You know, I was on stage with him Tuesday night.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, right.

[Adam Carolla]

I hope. Attacking him. He played the song. This was song three. The guy is a hit machine. But he played a benefit concert and gave back to schools and kids. I don't. It's. At least he could do for destroying my life. Yes. Damage done. Yeah, High school was fun. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you feel like this is the worst song of his? Because there's an array of.

[Adam Carolla]

They're all. They're all lyrically a fucking abortion. Lyrically, they're a disaster.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, they fly to the sea.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a. It's. It's a They're a disaster. Now, the reason Jet Airliner is not an abortion is because he didn't write that song. So that's. I always say if you always. If you ever find something that seems weird, like there's a guy who never, ever picks up a check, and then he picks up the check. You always have to say to someone, why did Bernie pick up the check? And then you'll get an answer.

[Dawson]

They'll say, credit card company is running.

[Adam Carolla]

He's fucking Steve's wife. Or he just backed and just totaled his car or something. You'll. You'll get something that'll make you go, oh, yeah, okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. I don't want to hear it. I can't do it. I cannot do it. Also, a interesting observation. I don't know why, but if you do a TV show and you wear a white collar and a suit, you'll get that makeup ring around the collar, and it fucks the shirts up. Like, once you wash it once, this weird makeup ring that goes around the shirts, and it's like. It's almost like you have to throw them out or something. I don't know what they do over, you know, on the Tonight show and Jimmy Kimmel Lime and all stuff where the guy's wearing the white collars with the tie and the makeup going down the neck, but every night they gotta get out the whisk or whatever the hell it is. And I just left mine out. And I started telling my wife, listen, when I do these shows, I'm just gonna leave the shirt out on the railing. And we gotta. You gotta hit it with some. Something, because I'm gonna have to throw it away otherwise. And she's like, yeah. And then. Yeah. I don't know. A couple days went by and I gave her the shirt speech, you know, And I started thinking, does she do shirts? She doesn't. She doesn't do anything. But if I point her in that direction and we argue about it a little, she'll do it. You know, I give her the. Do her the part where it's. Listen, I put on the su. I go do the thing. I plug the thing, I make the money. Then I come home, I take the suit off, and then you hang up the suit. And then you can spend the money, but that'll be your part of it, you know, Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Meeting you halfway.

[Adam Carolla]

She's about the kids. And she said, yeah. She didn't argue with me. She's like, yeah, we'll take care of that. And then I thought, I remember Those commercials when I was growing up. Ring around the cowl. You tried scrubbing, you tried soaking. And I thought, oh, yeah. It was like a woman. And she was at a party, she's, like, embarrassed that her husband.

[Allison Rosen]

What the hell?

[Adam Carolla]

Ring around collar. And the. And the housewife was like, oh, God. Oh, dear God. Like, she's gonna throw herself on her own sword. And then it's like, I started watching them on YouTube, but I was like, oh, she's packing for her husband, and she's got everything folded away. It's ring around the couch. Like, oh, no, dear Lord. And then it was, like, the worst.

[Allison Rosen]

Thing to have back in those days.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Ring around the collar. And then I thought about the other commercials where they'd be at. They'd be at a little. Little dinner party, and they do the. Anyone for some more coffee? I'd love some. Susie. Herb never asked for a second cup. The woman was visibly upset that he doesn't want a second cup of her coffee. When did this shift take place? Like, there used to be a lot of commercials about, hey, man, keep your dude happy.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I got this.

[Adam Carolla]

Your dude is out. See, he's going on a business trip. You're packing his bag. You want him to have a successful business trip. You want him to be a happy dude, you want him to have his coffee. All the commercials I saw growing up were sort of about, keep the dude happy. Now the dude is laid out on the sofa, and she's going, come on, we're going to Home Depot. And he's like, come on, I want to watch another six hours indoor football.

[Allison Rosen]

Now women think they have a right to their own happiness.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. No. What the fuck, though? I mean, when did guys turn into retards? Like, now, it's all the guys just dumping the toaster batter into the toe. The pancake batter into the toaster, catching on fire. The guy's turned into retards in the last 20 years.

[Allison Rosen]

I think if we're talking about daytime TV, then the audience has always been probably not daytime. No, anytime.

[Adam Carolla]

I would always see those commercials.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, what I'm saying is women watching back then would have been like, oh, yeah, I don't want my husband to have that on his collar. Whereas now there's a different message. So that is your question. I'm just repeating what you're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

That is the question is, when did it change?

[Adam Carolla]

When did guys turn into complete fucking imbeciles?

[Dawson]

Combining both your points.

[Allison Rosen]

1984.

[Dawson]

Combining both of your points. I just realized I Know more about.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Allison doesn't have a point.

[Dawson]

I know more about doing laundry than every other woman I know under the age of 40. I know this because I've shown at some point or another in the last year or two, every female in my apartment complex how to use the washing machine. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, no, no.

[Dawson]

You set it to this, and then you put the. Then you.

[Adam Carolla]

Why is you being inept? A point of pride. It's.

[Dawson]

No, it's not.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I'm saying women. Oh, why is it fucking low rent to know how to do it? But by the way, I would ask guys, why is it a point of pride not to be able to change a flat tire in your car? Like, when. When become this thing where it's. I got a lot of pride in not knowing anything or not doing anything. When did that. I know. I know. I know what it is.

[Allison Rosen]

What is it?

[Adam Carolla]

It's why there were no brothers on the construction site. When I work construction, it's just white guys and Mexicans. Because the brothers are like, I ain't a slave.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's like, dude, you're 21 and you don't have a job. You're a long ways away.

[Allison Rosen]

But he has slavery.

[Adam Carolla]

He has his slave. But it reminds them of something that they don't. Hey, that ain't me. And it's good.

[Allison Rosen]

We women don't want to be reminded of our time in sh. Shackles doing laundry.

[Adam Carolla]

You have a lot of pride, zero skills and no paycheck. Awesome. Is that.

[Allison Rosen]

Similarly, has also broken down quite a bit. So there's a lot of women out there who aren't caring for their men's shirts. There's a lot of men who have to do their own laundry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But it's not the shift that Madison Avenue has made. Madison Avenue just did a big shift because they're like, let's just make guys into imbeciles and move on.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

And because they know guys are too busy working and they're not going to complain. I'm just saying a shitty shift has taken place. A very shitty shift. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

When did you get to be Mr. Laundrie?

[Dawson]

He learned my own for 10 years.

[Adam Carolla]

Me, too.

[Dawson]

I had to.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's the same here. This isn't a critique of my wife, although it normally sounds like it is, but this is not. She's doing my collars. I'm just saying. I remember the commercials. And the commercials went from the woman doing it for the guy. She was a Housewife, she didn't work. The guy was like going on business trips to later on in the mid-80s. Evolved into Mommy doing it for the son who was at college.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So it should take a look. Got the housewife out and now it's just completely gone. Yeah.

[Dawson]

Is the boasting about I don't know how to do things from guys. Is that similar to when we were on the radio show? Bonaduce would preface anytime we talked about sports or talked to a sports person. First thing was, I don't know about sports.

[Allison Rosen]

That's my shtick.

[Adam Carolla]

Then he did 25 minutes, but he prefaced his.

[Dawson]

The subtext of everything he said was, I'm a dude's dude. I'm the ultimate dudes dude. I'm a dude's dudes dude. You know what I mean? But I don't think about supports. But I'm gonna ask you a question. It was that similar.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[Dawson]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

But there's something that happened where we started bragging about being inept, essentially, like not knowing certain things. Like it is. It started with this thing where like you'd say you've never heard of Buddy Holly, like, hey, grandpa, I'm sorry I don't have a Victrola, you know. And I mean, it's like you'd get Shane for.

[Dawson]

By the way, what's Victrola?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Victrola. Let's see. One of your old time DJs. No, they do that thing where it started somewhere where not knowing stuff became cool because it made you. See, here's the thing. Not knowing who Buddy Holly is makes you young. Not knowing how to do laundry makes you rich. At least in your mind.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Not knowing how that stuff for the peasants and the serfs, changing tires, doing laundry. That's what cleaning women are for. I'm not a cleaning woman.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Why would I know how to do that? Which is fine these if you're fucking doctor or a lawyer, but if you don't have a gig, then learn how to work the fucking washing machine.

[Allison Rosen]

Your poor man don't be trying to pull a rich man, poor man on the right.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're. If you're poor, then learn how to change a flat and learn how to do a fucking load of laundry. Thank you. The more you know. All right. Oh God. I could keep going. I won't let my moderate to severe plaque psoriasis symptoms define me.

[Beth Littleford]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Brian Bishop]

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[Adam Carolla]

This Thanksgiving, see Jim in a whole new light as he gives you the inside scoop on everything from parenting teenagers to weight loss and gaslighting family members. For everyone in need of a happy hour, the new Hoolaria stand special, Jim Gaffigan the Skinny is now streaming on Hulu. I won't get into it.

[Allison Rosen]

Cheese.

[Dawson]

Come on, get into it. Get into it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's, it's, it's. It's part and parcel to this to some degree. Assistant Matt I yelled at my Steve.

[Dawson]

Miller cut you off in the freeway.

[Adam Carolla]

Assistant Matt got yelled at a little bit the other day.

[Allison Rosen]

Fondelier.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Fondelier Is it hard to yell at Matt?

[Dawson]

He's so eager to please.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but he's like a giant sea sponge that can absorb my hatred. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Don't you see all of us that way?

[Adam Carolla]

I see everyone is a huge Afro and I'm a pick. I want to go at you, you know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

We're like a giant butt pocket in New York home.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You had to get homoerotic about it. So I said the place was a mess over here, but it was a three ring circus. Everyone's running in and out of here. There's stuff piling up all over the place. And I've given Matt the. No matter how many times I've attempted to shame Donnie with the. I own this warehouse. I pay the mortgage on this warehouse. It's filled with your cars and your mini bikes, and all I ask is that you keep it somewhat, in somewhat some form of order. The fact that I've attempted to shame him with that many times has never worked. It's never worked. I was like, fuck you, pops. No way am I gonna. No way am I gonna do that. You'll have to instigate whatever cleaning goes on around here and then you will end up fighting about it at some point. That's. Don's got a lot of pride that way. So. So he took a stand. He took a stand. So Matt, I said, matt, you are now. I took my sword out and I christened him the new ambassador of cleanliness and orderliness around here. Because there'll just be piles of boxes we'll be tripping over for months and Donnie will never, ever move them. And I said, matt, I need you to walk around here, my eyes and ears, and clean up stuff and straighten up stuff. So I called him the other day and I said, matt, I know it's a madhouse over there, but that place is man. And he's like, yeah, I'm trying to keep it up, but it's tough. And I said, the dumpster's full. Call the dumpster company, tell them to empty the dumpster. He's like, I know. And I said, matt, you got to stay on top of that place. It's falling apart. And Matt made this huge mistake. He uttered these words to me that I've never said to anyone in my life. And I'm going to take. I'm going to take him to my grave. I'm going to take these words to my grave.

[Allison Rosen]

I agree with Charles Manson.

[Adam Carolla]

There's three things I'm going to take to my grave. I'm going to take not knowing how to make a tie to my grave.

[Allison Rosen]

You're gonna boast about that?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's one of those things where I'm too deep now. I'm well into my 40s. I don't know how to make a tie. Why learn now? You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Never buying a lottery ticket and never saying the words to somebody who thinks I'm falling a little bit short of the mark. I'm doing the best I can.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God. How dare he?

[Adam Carolla]

Matt made a huge mistake.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it opens the door for this is the best you can.

[Adam Carolla]

I said do not say that to me, Matt. Because if this you can do, we're going to have to fire you. And no, it's like, here. Here's the thing. If you play sports, Matt, go ahead and defend yourself. Okay? The point is this. If you play sports and you're playing fullback and the linebacker's blitzing and you step up to block him and he just fucking creams you and then takes out your quarterback and the coach yells at you as you jog back to the sideline, you got to pick up that blitzing linebacker and you went, coach, I did the best I can. You gotta get out. If that's the best you can do, you're on your back and the quarterback's on his back and he's torn his acl. You're out. You would never, ever, ever say to a coach, I did the best I doing the best I can. You'd go, I slipped. It's sort of like saying to someone, I'm not drunk. When they're saying you're drunk. When they're slurring and calling you a bitch and yelling at cops, at pepper spray them with their shirt off. It's like, don't say you're not drunk. Say you're drunk, because otherwise you're insane drunk. I'm drunk now, Matt. Oh, my God.

[Allison Rosen]

We got Donny.

[Adam Carolla]

Get Matt on the bar. I'm here to defend Fondelier. I love Fondelier, but let me. I'm just excited because I'm excited about this. Let me explain. Kind of lately, rare Adam Donnie moment. But I can't let you walk all over my man Fondler. I'm not. I'm not. I'm saying this. You, Donnie and Matt are both from the same club where you like to announce you're doing the best you can or you've done, you've tried your hardest, or done the best you can actually clean work and do everything. Matt does a great job. Just don't say, doing the best I can if it's a mess, okay? What he's really saying is, I'm going above and beyond. I'm working as fast as I possibly can. But I don't want to insult you, but this is the best I can do. But I'm already hauling ass. I'm highballing this train to the station. I got it. He walks around here all day, Allison. He has the little sweeper with the bucket thing. He's on a roll. He's sweeping up after everybody who comes through here. You want to know why? I told him he wasn't doing the best he could. That's right. But the coach doesn't see him all day training and practicing and practicing.

[Teresa Strasser]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Why? Here, you tell me about it.

[Allison Rosen]

Incentivize this.

[Adam Carolla]

I love Donnie putting it in football terms. This is a language you have. It's. It's a. It's a little bit legal, and it's a little bit football coaching. When it comes down to. With Adam, legally, you got Fondelier so wound up, he's got diarrhea all day. Well, that's a Philly cheesesteak. He goes, you know, I'm trying to clean up here. Oh, excuse me just a minute. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back out to clean some more in a second. Yeah. After I destroy the head, I'm gonna give Fondelier a touchdown right now. I love Fondelier. Steve, cleaner is in the house. Yeah, all right. Back off, my man. Fondelier. Christ. Oh, my. I love Fondelier.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like what we will all remember from this is that he has diarrhea all the time and that Donnie.

[Adam Carolla]

Defended him by telling Donnie's Diary of the Mouth Man. It's going really, really well there at first, right at the end.

[Dawson]

He's like a puppy with a poor diet.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, Adam, I spent about four or five hours today cleaning up the shop. I don't know if you've taken a look around.

[Dawson]

I will clean it up after himself.

[Allison Rosen]

Matt. Matt, would you like a chance to redo the conversation and to say what I think Adam would have wanted you to say, which is, I'll keep trying. I'll try harder. I don't know. What did you want?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't want to put words in his mouth. I'm just saying I've had. When I hear. I'm saying it to Matt right now, and I'm saying it to everyone who's listening. Don't say it to anybody and don't say it to yourself. Even if it's. You're. Even if you're giving it 98%.

[Allison Rosen]

What if you're in a relationship? What if it's a relationship kind of thing and what you're trying to say is get off my back.

[Adam Carolla]

That is what you're saying most time. And I realize that's what Matt was telling me, to fuck off in his own quiet way. Ace. I just want to jump and say, I promise I will never do my best for. Please. Thank you. And anyone who's within the sound of my voice, never give me 100%. I'm just saying it's a newer generation thing. I don't think it existed in the past. Oh, Donnie got the carpet cleaner here. Look at the world. I'm saying I don't think guys in the 40s told that to their drill instructor. That's all I'm saying. All right, listen. I love Matt. He's a great employee and he's doing a wonderful job. I'm just. I'm just saying this is.

[Allison Rosen]

He's also really good at Scrabble.

[Adam Carolla]

He's good at everything and he's funny and I appreciate him. I'm just saying.

[Dawson]

Beaver effort.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't. Don't tell. Don't ever say, I'm giving 100%. I'm doing the best I can.

[Allison Rosen]

And don't give him beans.

[Adam Carolla]

And don't give him beans. No, it's New York I'm doing.

[Dawson]

I'm doing nowhere near the best of beans.

[Adam Carolla]

Nowhere near you and Lynch. That's what I like. No, I believe that it's Philly cheesesteak, but anyway. All right, Phil Rosenthal's here. So I think we should start the news. Universal CityWalk this Saturday. Bowling for Soup is going to be with us. House of Blues doing some standup. Vegas, August 6th and Borderline Thousand Oaks, I should say August 12th. The car show on speed. Wednesday night, 7:00 in the West coast and 10:00pm in the East Coast. Good show. I think you guys will dig that. We got a good one coming up for you. All right. Why don't we do a little news? What do you say?

[Allison Rosen]

I say yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Live from the International News center, next to Donny's minibikes, this is the News with Alison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Jens David Breivik, which is the Norway psycho's father, gave an interview to the Swedish tabloid Expression where he says that he hasn't talked to his son in a while. And that he sometimes thinks his son should have just committed suicide.

[Adam Carolla]

That part I like.

[Allison Rosen]

Taking out the lives I know. I think he's trying to just avoid the trebuchet. But we have a clip. It's translated, so if you don't see it and say it in Norwegian, you'll understand.

[Adam Carolla]

Any more contact with him? In my very worst moments, I am.

[Brian Bishop]

Thinking that what he ought to have.

[Adam Carolla]

Done instead of killing so many people was to have killed himself. He's never gonna have any contact with him. He hasn't had any contact with.

[Allison Rosen]

He hasn't had contact with him. He 80.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he got. He said. I was reading something online today that basically I was trying to do some math where it's like, he got out. He was born in. They got divorced in 1980. And I'm like, well, the guy's 31 or something.

[Allison Rosen]

The guy's 32. They got divorced over 30 years ago. They haven't been in touch for 16 years.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a deadbeat dad, right? I mean, even if he's sending money, that's an absentee father. Hey, Dick, maybe if you're around to raise your kid, he wouldn't have gone on a killing spree. Ever think of that?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, see, I don't feel like this. And I'll read a few more of the quotes, but I don't feel like this is thumbs up. You stayed away from your psycho kid. I feel like you probably were not a good father, and look what happened.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we don't know if you're a good dad or not. You were never there.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that means you're not a good dad.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I mean, yes, granted, he could also have been a shitty present father.

[Adam Carolla]

I would argue that most kids would rather have a shitty present father than a guy they never knew. Most kids learn discipline from the pops and get their discipline from the pops. And this guy did not raise his son. I mean, this is hardly an excuse. I know he's trying to distance himself from the kid. He did not father his son. And his son picked up some bad habits along the way. That had he been there, I mean, imagine this kid's life. Had he been going to soccer games. I did the European math there. Soccer games. And hanging. Yes. Footy with his dad and his dad and hearing out and him teaching him about life and responsibility and blah, blah, blah. I mean, imagine how this kid's. Imagine if you had gotten hold of this kid at birth. Let's just say Dr. Drew was his dad and he was one of Dr. Drew's triplets, right? He looks like him. You think he would have gone on a fucking killing spree?

[Allison Rosen]

No, I think he'd be full of compassion and he worked with animals.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably have an eating disorder, but that'd be, you know, no harm to society.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, and here's an interesting thing which I have not heard people making this link, but you know, he's very anti the government. And his father is a retired career diplomat.

[Adam Carolla]

His father worked in government rebelling against the father. He never knew the absentee dad.

[Allison Rosen]

His father worked for the Norwegian Foreign Ministry as a diplomat from 1965 to 1996. He was stationed at the Norwegian embassies in London and Tehran, among other places.

[Adam Carolla]

So he just basically shat out a kid back home, went to London and fucked somebody else for his life. Life, essentially.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, as far as I can nor went.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And he. This kid he'd not seen since the kid for 15 years.

[Allison Rosen]

16. Yeah, 16 years.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, you're fucking horrible guy. And next time, by the way, anyone who's listening who's planning on doing this, go shoot your dad, would you?

[Allison Rosen]

That's not shooting up a labor camp.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's if it's between the labor camp and the in the kids that weren't fucking born yet. After your dad had shit on you and abandoned the family, go fucking shoot the old man. You got a problem with.

[Allison Rosen]

I have another question. If you're so against the Islamic influence in Europe, why shoot a bunch of Norwegian 15 and 16 year olds?

[Adam Carolla]

This is the part that no one ever factors in. They're crazy.

[Allison Rosen]

No, everyone goes. They're very rational.

[Adam Carolla]

Why would you do that? It's like, why would you cut your own cock off and try to stab a pinata with it? It's like you're crazy. He's crazy.

[Allison Rosen]

That would never work. To start opinion.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not making your point against nonviolence by shooting people. It's like he's.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. So here's another crazy quote.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not done with this fucking dad.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. He said I was in utter shock. I couldn't believe this is when he saw that it was son. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was paralyzing. And I couldn't understand that this was real. I knew it wasn't April Fool's Day. They have that in Norway. And wondered if this could really be possible. I feel awful. I am deeply sorry over this situation. It's awful for me personally, but it is also tragic for the whole country.

[Adam Carolla]

They fucked themselves Up. They have April Fool's Day over there. But they made it on the 32nd, so they can never celebrate it. In a way diabolical, but in other ways.

[Allison Rosen]

How could he stand there and kill. This is the father speaking. How could he stand there and kill so many innocent people. And just seem to think that everything was as it should be?

[Adam Carolla]

How could you just leave your kid in your other country and go fuck somebody else? How can you abandon your son? How can you not talk to your son? How can you know that you have a son out there and not raise him?

[Allison Rosen]

We haven't been in touch in 16 years. He was very difficult. He always wanted to go his own way.

[Adam Carolla]

And he always. Since birth or after you went your own way, you dick.

[Allison Rosen]

And he hasn't had a big need for contact with me. He was like.

[Adam Carolla]

He got used to it.

[Allison Rosen]

He was like most boys. We never really had a good father son relationship.

[Adam Carolla]

Not most boys. Not Brian and his dad kissing his ass constantly. Those fucking tailgating and USC games and inflating his fucking self worth.

[Dawson]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

No, not most.

[Allison Rosen]

His dad, Sid, married to Nancy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

He was like most boys. We never really had a good father son relationship. We were both pretty closed. He visited me once in a while when he was little. And then asked what it feels like to be Anders father. He answered, I don't feel like his father.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not. So. Well, you didn't. But he could have asked that question on Friday and he would have answered the same way. Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. You wondered why you're asking, but.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's like he's like most boys. He's distant. No, he's distant at 16. Once you fucking corrupted his mind, you old fuck. After you abandoned him, after he grew up in the absence of a biological dad, then there's a certain emptiness people have when that happens. And it makes them. When you have that emptiness in you, it makes it much easier to take other people and create a eternal emptiness in them. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

I'm getting the chills. Do you have it in you, Adam?

[Adam Carolla]

I do, but I'm not a gun guy. I like to do it with words on my assistant. But what I'm saying is. No, seriously. When you don't have that bond, when you have that emptiness in you that this guy obviously had, it's easy to do that to other people. Because you don't have empathy. They're not alive. You're not alive. They're not alive. No one's alive.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it that you are so in denial of your. When you've been wounded like that, you're so in denial of your own pain that you can't imagine someone else's pain because it's just too threatening. It's like you're just closed off from the notion of suffering.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd say it's a combination of a whole bunch of elements. But I can tell you this. If this guy, you know, no one can say for sure if this guy had had a loving, nurturing disciplinarian who was there to offer a guiding hand and a firm hand on occasion when the kid got out of line.

[Allison Rosen]

Like Coach Lubbock from just the 10 of us.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Bill Kirkenbach. Is that him?

[Allison Rosen]

I believe it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, just like him. Good, good. No, like what I just did with poor Matt over there who's now shitting the entry hall head? No, somebody. A guy who was present and there who could guide him and let him know right from wrong and love him and nurture him. From the word go. I don't think you'd have this massacre some 31 years later. That's me. Call me old fashioned.

[Dawson]

He may have a loose stool.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right. He may massacred the porcelain ball, but the kids would still be alive on the island.

[Allison Rosen]

But do you believe that some people are just born?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

You do.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, there's definitely a bad seed. But here's the whole thing about that. It's almost like the alcoholic gene. The alcoholic gene can't just live in a bubble. It needs fertilizer and sunshine and water. Meaning it needs absent parents. It needs access to booze and pills. It needs, you know, school counselors looking the other way. It needs a combination of things to really take flight. You know what I'm saying? So, yes, you can have that gene, that shit gene, or that kill gene or that booze gene or that substance gene. But if you're raised correctly, God knows how many people have that fucking booze, you know, gene, or the kill gene or whatever. There's not that many tragedies for the number of people that may possess that. But you grow up around alcoholic who's beating the shit out of you and then abandons you. Not that this guy did that. He didn't even hang around long enough to swat his kid. Then that gene will grab onto something and take flight.

[Allison Rosen]

Manifest.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, okay. All right. Good times times.

[Allison Rosen]

No, total good times.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck that guy, by the way. He should be. He's a social pariah. He's not a victim. And you distancing yourself from your kid after you distance yourself from your kid, which may be the reason why he did this. Fuck you, buddy.

[Allison Rosen]

Trebuchet time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Put him in a fucking trebuchet.

[Allison Rosen]

So the plan is to put the parents in the trebuchet and then have people shoot at them.

[Adam Carolla]

The plan is we go to the center of town and we get the trebuchet, which is like downtown Oslo. Pumpkin chunk. Well, we'll bring it to you wherever this. Wherever this happens.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we're live. We're nationwide.

[Dawson]

Trebuchets on wheels Mobile.

[Adam Carolla]

It's on wheels for a reason. Yeah, no, I got a trailer hitch on the back of Alexis. We're coming to you. And then I get there and I announce, you know, maybe, maybe, maybe I do like a hear he, hear he.

[Allison Rosen]

Thing with a bell.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I do like. Oh, I'll probably. Yeah, you want to be in my town crying.

[Dawson]

I love that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I love that. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Keep bastard.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. Here. You hear right. You ring the bell.

[Dawson]

Trebucheting will begin. Will commence.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

One hour's time.

[Allison Rosen]

No, in, oh, something hours. I feel like it'd be military time.

[Dawson]

I think it's more old timey. Look at the trebuchet, for God's sake.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Dawson]

Who's the town crier here? Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sorry. I'm just a wannabe crier. I'm a crier. Yeah. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Gary. We're gonna need a village idiot. You're afraid? You good?

[Dawson]

We need a village shitter.

[Allison Rosen]

Seat warmer. Toilet seat warmer.

[Adam Carolla]

I only said that, Gary, because I think you're smart.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sure that's how we.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's put it that way.

[Allison Rosen]

Kiss his ass more, why don't you?

[Adam Carolla]

If I thought he was dumb, it'd be cruel.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, he's a solid five.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, look, here's 15. Here's my point. Here's my point. I will come to your town. I will do the. Here he Brian. Do that.

[Dawson]

It'll commence.

[Adam Carolla]

Gary will be struggling with a yoyo.

[Allison Rosen]

He'll be watching a giant, giant wheel.

[Dawson]

To be fair, yo yos are tough, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

He'll be holding the wooden part of the yo yo while the string dangles underneath. And it'll be good. Come on, come on, come on. All right. I will then announce that to all the villagers that come out in the street. I will say, these are the parents of the guy behind the massacre. The mother stayed behind and raised the child. So obviously she was first in the trebuchet. And the father claims to have not been responsible for the child because all he did was plant his demon seed inside the basket of mother and then split off to marry old England to fuck strangers.

[Allison Rosen]

And he had sex with her.

[Adam Carolla]

Let it be clear that you being an absentee dad is not going to get you out of said tres Boucher. Boy, that is a great. That'd be a. That's a. That's a nice. Like, That's a nice pupper. That's a.

[Dawson]

That's a license plate for him.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a Canadian. That's a Canadian rapper. Said trebuchet.

[Dawson]

Said trebuchet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So then I tell everybody, you know, go into your homes, get your firearms. If you don't have a shotgun, one will be provided for you. I'll provide.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I'll do.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what you'll do.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll be a firearm dispenser.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. And we will now, learning through past experiences, we'll all get on the same side of the street. In years past, we'd have guys on each side of the street, and that turned into.

[Allison Rosen]

It thinned the crowd, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that did thin it out a bit. So now we'll all get on one side of the street, and I will let the guy who paid the most in taxes that tax year, maybe just the last quarter, he will get to Yelpole when I will then yank the lever on the trebuchet and we'll send them hurdling up into the air. And then we'll all just take shots on everyone.

[Dawson]

Take aim. Gary, your guns backwards.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't look down the barrel.

[Allison Rosen]

Here, Gary, I'll hold the yo yo for you.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we wouldn't give Gary a gun. All right, all right. And that's it. We all shoot him and we kill him. In the air or the ground kills him. Either way, great plan. And then I make the announcement. Look, does anyone have any young children? Does anyone have any troubled teens? Does anyone have anyone drive at home? The. Anyone, like, around Thanksgiving, see your kid taking the mashed potatoes, making a swastika in them or gravy?

[Dawson]

Swastika. Delicious but evil gravy.

[Adam Carolla]

Swastika. All right. Anybody? All right, because here's the whole thing. There's always, always an opening in my trebuchet. So hustle home and raise your kids, and I'll just be here, and I'll go off to the side of the next massacre. But do not worry, I'll be back if you need me.

[Allison Rosen]

You're like Mary Poppins.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

Next thing you know, those honor roll bumper stickers on everything.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, what about the fact that their bodies are gonna. Bits of their bodies are just gonna kind of spray all over the crowd.

[Adam Carolla]

Best part of the whole thing is to watch crows just pecking away at the corpses out in the street. Mm. Well, you won't be at the end. I mean. You mean as it's in the. As in the. As it's in the air. Gallagher concert esque slip slickers. Yeah.

[Dawson]

Oh, there's a. There's a landing field that's like on the other side of town. You don't see the detritus, the end result, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they just go down the hill. Yeah. We'll set it. We'll set.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but if a whole bunch of townies are shooting at them.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison, I think. I think we got.

[Allison Rosen]

It's their body. It's going to rain down.

[Adam Carolla]

Work it.

[Allison Rosen]

It's going to hit Gary, it's going to hit Matt, and he's going to sell commemorative umbrellas. Yeah, there you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Matt would be in the pornosand of it there. And all the excitements going on. All right, missed it again.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm getting a little rap news note, so we'll be. There'll be more news later. That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Waiting for that perfect time to start your dream business.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

How about this is now. This is yes and plus some. I like that. But you got to be smart with your cash.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

How. Well, you got to worry about legal fees. You worry about legal fees. Allison Roses.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm so worried about legal fees.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's why I recommend legalzoom.com.

[Allison Rosen]

Tell me more about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you just go online, answer a couple simple questions. Easy, quick, simple. 100% satisfaction.

[Allison Rosen]

100%.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

That's more than 98.

[Adam Carolla]

They're not trying the best they can, but they still give out 100% satisfaction. It's like foolproof, trial tested documents personalized for your business. Start a corporation or an LLC for as little as. What do you think, Allison?

[Allison Rosen]

$1,500?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think so.

[Allison Rosen]

Sixteen hundred dollars. Cold.

[Adam Carolla]

Freezing. Freezing.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, sorry. 1,200. Eleven hundred.

[Adam Carolla]

Dawning. Warming.

[Allison Rosen]

1,300.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to get a card again.

[Allison Rosen]

Could it even be 200? That's 2.

[Adam Carolla]

That's $90. Legal. Zoom.

[Allison Rosen]

I can afford that.

[Adam Carolla]

Not a legal firm. They provide self help services at your direction. So for even more savings, enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. Start your business right, protect your family and safeguard your assets. Right now legalzoom.com that's legalzoom.com all right. Phil Rosenthal, the creator, the brains, nay the brawn behind Everyone Loves Raymond. He has a great documentary out. He came in and talked about this a few months back. It is just a. Well, it's a comic masterpiece. It says it right on the title there, right on the front jacket there. I've watched this thing. It is awesome. Phil will be in here. We'll take a quick break. Back with Phil Rosenthal next with the five dollar meal deal at McDonald's. You pick a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink and a four piece McNugget. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary. For a limited time only, Hell's Gates are open. Get ready to save humanity in Diablo 4 Vessel of Hatred Continue the saga and carve your own path through Sanctuary's cursed lands with massive updates to character progression difficulties and loot systems for powerful demon slaying action. Unleash fierce skills as you embark on an immersive campaign. Tackle new co op dungeons and team up with allies using the new party fight. Hell awaits you. Save 35% off Diablo 4 and Vessel of Hatred today in the Diablo 4 expansion bundle, rated M for mature. I won't let my moderate to severe plaque psoriasis symptoms define me.

[Beth Littleford]

Emerge as you in two clinical studies.

[Adam Carolla]

Trimphia guselcumab taken by injection provided 90% clearer skin at 16 weeks in 7.

[Teresa Strasser]

Out of 10 adults with moderate to severe plaque psoriasis.

[Adam Carolla]

In a study, nearly 7 out of 10 patients with 90% clearer skin at 16 weeks were still clearer at 5 years. At 1 year and thereafter, patients and healthcare providers knew that Trimfia was being used. This may have increased results. Results may vary. Serious allergic reactions may occur. Trimphia may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. Before treatment, your doctor should check you for infections and tuberculosis. Tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms of infection, including fever, sweats, chills, muscle aches or cough. Tell your doctor if you had a vaccine or plan to emerge as you Learn more about Tremfya, including important safety [e-mail] or call 1-187-75-78-3527. See our ad in Food and Wine magazine. For patients prescribed Tremfya, cost support may be available. A hilarious new standup special from comedy legend Jim Gaffigan the Skinny is coming.

[Brian Bishop]

To Hulu November 22nd.

[Adam Carolla]

This Thanksgiving, see Jim in a whole new light as he gives you the inside scoop on everything from parenting teenagers to weight loss and gaslighting family members. For everyone in need of a happy hour, the new hilarious standup special, Jim Gaffigan the Skinny is now streaming on Hulu. Yeah, we're watching a clip of Everyone Loves Raymond with little Steve Miller in the background.

[Brian Bishop]

I know how much you love him.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, such a fan. Phil Rosenthal in studio. I love Phil. Phil is what Allison's people call a mensch.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, that's nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Solid ass dude. He is. Well, I met Phil when a mutual friend of ours invited me over to Phil's home for some pizza. Phil does his pizza in a movie thing. I've discussed that more than once.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I love to see a guy enjoying. Enjoying the fruits of his labor and sharing it with other people. I think that's the greatest thing ever.

[Brian Bishop]

I love it. Why have it if you can't share it?

[Adam Carolla]

It's really nice. Like, Phil's like, look, I like attitude.

[Allison Rosen]

For friends to have.

[Adam Carolla]

I like pizza, and I like people, and I like movies. So Sunday night, people can come to my home, they can have some great pizza, and they can sit down in my beautiful theater, and we'll pick a wide array of movies to show. And it's just a great. I mean, there's a crazy, eclectic group of, like, just sort of Hollywood who's. Who's. I mean, rattle a couple of people off. I don't want to embarrass you, but just a few people you might see in the house.

[Brian Bishop]

Some of the greatest evenings have been like, we had the French Connection, and William Friedkin came.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

And he's talking about it after the. I know you're a big movie guy. And we had. The other night, we showed Barry Lyndon, which is not a lot of people's favorite movie, but I love. I love that Stanley Cooper film.

[Dawson]

But it goes to Stanley Kubrick.

[Adam Carolla]

Haim. If you don't like it, it's only 4. 4 hours and 26 minutes. So it's over in a night.

[Brian Bishop]

But look as good as the ghost of Stanley Kubrick, his longtime assistant for the last 25 years of his life was there, and he has a part in the movie. Yeah. And it was phenomenal. It was like a film class.

[Dawson]

What's next on tap? What's your next. You do this every week?

[Brian Bishop]

Almost every week when I'm in town, I like to see what's coming out, like what new Blu Rays are coming out. So like source code is coming. So I might. Did you, did you see it?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Dawson]

So maybe you were surprisingly okay, though.

[Adam Carolla]

I did see something. I heard it was pretty good. Yeah. And Phil, see, when last I was there, what did we see?

[Brian Bishop]

We watched the Ten Commandments.

[Adam Carolla]

The Ten Commandments.

[Brian Bishop]

And Fraser Heston was there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Charlton's son.

[Adam Carolla]

Who.

[Brian Bishop]

And Frasier played the baby Moses in the basket.

[Adam Carolla]

It was surreal. He sat right next to. I was sitting next to Phil and Frasier was next to me. And this guy's a big strapping hunger of 52 year old dude. Like he's just a big, big dude. And he's Chuck Heston's kid, you know.

[Brian Bishop]

And he had great stories from his dad.

[Adam Carolla]

And we're watching him in the basket, just floating around in the basket. When he was floating around in that basket, he was two months old, three months old. I mean, he was just an infant. And it's so weird to see this guy and his dad's Chuck Heston. I mean, so there's always like, as if it couldn't get any better, there's somebody who was involved with the movie in some way, shape or form, even if it's wildly creative, like the infant in the basket on the Ten Commandments. And look at him.

[Brian Bishop]

And when he came on the screen, of course, everybody in our little group applauds for the guy when. And he probably doesn't get that often.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

Nice applause from the baby scene.

[Adam Carolla]

No. And now it's time to talk about Phil's movie, which is really, you know what?

[Brian Bishop]

We're not talking more about the Norwegian massacre.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

I felt so honored to be here on this very special episode.

[Adam Carolla]

It is a very special Father's Day tribute to the Norwegian massacre.

[Brian Bishop]

We all feel better, don't we, about our own parenting?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God, so far, yeah. There's still the days of the year.

[Brian Bishop]

There'S still a chance that something could happen. And then what do you say?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what do you do? Like, I know your kids have no idea how good they have it. Or do they?

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, no, by the way, the nice movie night that you mentioned, right? Both my children have said to me, we hate that pizza. We're sick of it. And we hate. And we hate movie night.

[Adam Carolla]

Next time I will bring a snow shovel, please, to straighten them out, right? El Kabong style. It's insane.

[Brian Bishop]

I just Smile. And I say, wait till you're in the college dorm, right, with the three other smelly people, right? And you have nothing. And after that, you know, you don't get to come back here and say, you know what, I was wrong about the pizza. Could I please have some pizza and movie night? No, no. Now it's time. Now you're gonna go make yours.

[Adam Carolla]

You're gonna be eating square shaped pizza with weird crumbly bits of mystery meat on it and a weird medium crust. Not thick crust, not thin like you get at Phil's. Just the no man's land that in between no man's land crust. It won't commit to thick, but way too thick. It's like a chick that's perpetually hippie or just perpetually a little.

[Allison Rosen]

I read that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, perpetually as an extra 30 pounds, they're not gonna commit to fat. For the chubby chasers, never going skinny.

[Brian Bishop]

You'Re like the Robert Frost of description.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it Moza who does the pizza over there?

[Dawson]

I was gonna say the pizza was not ordinary pizza, was it?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, we have a wood burning oven.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, those kids, those damn kids. They don't.

[Allison Rosen]

They have no friggin idea to hate their.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna say to them, we had a wood burning car. Do you understand? Do you understand?

[Brian Bishop]

I love my children. But they'll never know.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they'll never. They'll never know. Now, Phil, how did you grow up.

[Brian Bishop]

In an apartment in Queens and then Riverdale in the Bronx and then a tiny little house in Rockman County.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I saw the tiny little house and exporting Raymond. Phil started at least close to the top of the show. Went back to say hi and bye to his parents.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

And his parents still together, still alive with a sort of fun sense of humor. And it's always fun to see the son, especially after he's left the nest and had a lot of success going back just to realize how crazy his parents are.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, it doesn't take a lot of introspection. It's right there for you. I mean, my dad though is hilarious. He's on a website called oldjewestellingjokes.com because they. I wonder if you can find that on this, because I put one of his jokes on the extras for the dvd. He's fantastic. We put him and Ray's dad on the show. We put them together because frankly, they deserve each other.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Brian Bishop]

But we made them one of Peter Boyle's. Two of Peter Boyle's friends at the Lodge.

[Adam Carolla]

The DVD, by the way, Blu Ray as well, available August 2nd. So that'll be a week from tomorrow. Tell my cue, dude, today it's on. Yeah, it is an awesome, awesome movie. As a matter of fact, I, I was talking. There he is, Mike.

[Brian Bishop]

That's Max Rosenthal telling you. He's got like seven or eight jokes on the website.

[Adam Carolla]

That's going to be Jeff Ross In 25 years, actually.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, take a look. It's going to be me in about 10 minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

The movie is hilarious.

[Brian Bishop]

It's about that didn't look like anyone in my family. Oh no, an aunt. I have an ant. Looks like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell the story of exporting Raymond.

[Brian Bishop]

I went to Russia to try to help the Russians do their version of Everybody Loves Raymond. Everybody Loves Custia, right?

[Adam Carolla]

But first, the biggest comedy to make it over there from the States has been the Nanny.

[Brian Bishop]

It was the first. They didn't have sitcoms until Sony brought the Nanny over there and had them translate it into Russian, cast Russian actors. It became this big hit, but they never had sitcoms before. And the thing was, they wanted me to go over there, just observe how they work with the Russians, come back and write a fictional feature film about the creator of a show who goes to Russia to have a show translated. So I said, well, if this situation exists, the people really exist, why not bring a camera crew over there and film what would really happen? The head of Sony said, I love that idea. Why don't you go try to do your show there, film the whole thing. And that's the documentary.

[Adam Carolla]

And it is. First off, you didn't think you could get this far away from white people culturally, you know what I mean? Like there's that sort of thing, like if you go to the Dominican Republic or something and you see, you know, 13 year old girl selling Chiclets and smoking or something and you go, all right, that's their culture. Or you see whatever they're eating or whatever culturally is going on, you sort of do it. But it's that sort of thing where you're in some part of the world where the people look nothing like you. Russia's a place that's filled with a bunch of guys that look like Sting with no sense of humor and culturally completely fucked up.

[Allison Rosen]

So it's like Orange County.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it is one of these things. And look, take it any way you want. It's just. You really didn't know white people could be that fucking. That is Russia. And zero sense of humor.

[Brian Bishop]

You meet the occasional. By the way, we had this Discussion last time you've been in certainly American network rooms where they've had no sense of humor and they're the heads of comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah. Oh no, absolutely.

[Brian Bishop]

So we can't say those Russians. I shake a fist and say those executives.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Yes, that's true. But they seem to be way behind us, at least culturally in terms of. I mean we lead the world. I would say I don't know us in Great Britain or I don't know who in the comedy parts of Canada in the comedy department. The other places are. If you look at where we were at in the 50s and the 60s and lots of pies in the face and mother in law jokes and people. Lots of physical humor and stuff like that. It's sort of a retardation. It's sort of like saying. I don't mean retarded like. Or retarded. I mean like advanced and retarded. Like on a. Like an automobile. Like what you do on a distributor. You know what I'm talking about? You're a gearhead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not.

[Allison Rosen]

Where if I'm not wrenching I'm thinking about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's like look what my kids. If they thought what is funny to them now is 5 year olds at 25, I'd put them down. I really would. That's where they're at. They're five years old and that's where Russia's at.

[Allison Rosen]

Jokes are always funny. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

For me, always. Actually have gotten better with as the years of war on.

[Allison Rosen]

But.

[Adam Carolla]

But the Russia seems almost. Maybe it's a tie with Mexico. I don't know. I feel like they have less of a sense of humor than even Mexico.

[Brian Bishop]

You know the other hot show they were developing at the same time as mine.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

Bewitched.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Timely. Timely.

[Brian Bishop]

They have our entire oeuvre of sitcoms to choose from because they didn't have any.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

So that's what they Bewitched I Dream of Jesus. So I come in with the show that's kind of set on planet Earth.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Could this happen? Is my. Was my only dictum on the show. This is the only rule I'm trying to impart to others.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Just stay naturalistic. By the way, in their own theatrical tradition at the Moscow Art Theater. That's where naturalism was invented.

[Adam Carolla]

It was.

[Brian Bishop]

So why wouldn't this apply to television?

[Adam Carolla]

Well that's, that's the whole thing and I don't understand it. Like so Phil would say look, we're gonna cast a wife and she has to look like a housewife. She doesn't have to be hideous, but she can't be glamorous. She's a housewife. And they'd like. I mean, the greatest. Some of the greatest stuff is the woman who's the stylist who's gonna make her beautiful ball gown so she can get up on Monday morning and make breakfast for the kids in this beautiful ball gown and full makeup and heels. And it's like. Feels like that. That's not funny, though. That's not funny.

[Brian Bishop]

It's not real.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not real. It's not real. But it's also. I've been through this a million times with the network idiots, which is. They want it to be nice. Like, why does he have to drive such a shitty car? Couldn't they live in a beautiful house? How come she's not young and more beautiful? You know what? He can yell at his stepson, but at the end he's got a wink and it's like, no, that's not funny. It's not funny when people are. Even if reality. The point is this. Ray Romano in reality lives in a sprawling estate somewhere in Encino. And I'm sure he has a. He has a putting green somewhere on his property.

[Brian Bishop]

He didn't when we started.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now he has a putting green and he can probably get out that sandwich every once in a while. He's got that kind of acreage. All right, but everyone loves Raymond living in a big, beautiful 12,000 square foot home on three acres in Encino. Not funny.

[Brian Bishop]

Not funny.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not funny. We know why. Because he has to do good. It's nice to have him cooped up a little bit and have the car break down and have the.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, we want it to be relatable, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So Phil was trying to bring that to Russia and they were having none of it.

[Brian Bishop]

I have to say, though, that it happens here. And you went through it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

The network people don't really know what is funny. They know what's pretty.

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty.

[Brian Bishop]

They know what's nice and pleasant. They know what's, quote, unquote, likable. So they go for that because that's a sure thing to them, even though it never is.

[Adam Carolla]

Really. No. Here's the deal. They don't. They're not funny. And they never want to get put in a position where they have to sort of lay their comedy cards on the table. Because they would have a couple of deuces, but not. No, not a couple of deuces. That Would be a pair. Sorry. They'd have a two, a three. I can't go four because we're getting close to straight here. Two seven off suit, a five, and just a joker.

[Allison Rosen]

Uno card.

[Adam Carolla]

An uno card and a subway thing that had been stamped four times.

[Dawson]

And Joe Camel bucks a joke, a.

[Adam Carolla]

Coffee card, a joker with peanut butter smeared on it. Like, if they ever had to lay down their comedy hate, you would. There would have nothing. And you'd be like, my God, I have a pair of aces. I've been listening to your fucking ass.

[Brian Bishop]

It happened to me once.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

One of the studio people said, I don't get the jokes. There's no, like, real jokes. I said, you're right. It's kind of behavioral. And the relationship is supposed to be funny. He goes, yes, but we need jokes. I said, what kind of jokes? Well, somebody should say, that's a nice hat you're wearing. And the other guy should say, really? And he should say, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he did. They actually, actually pitched me that guy somebody. Because usually that guy probably got relieved at some point. God willing. He had to have, because they're all women. Unless he was gay.

[Brian Bishop]

This was a guy not gay for.

[Adam Carolla]

And not a woman.

[Brian Bishop]

And worked at a reputable comedy institution.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, he must be out now, because it's all chicks and gays still there. Okay. It's all peewipped guys, chicks and gays.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, I'll go with peewhip.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. I'd choose they never tell you what's funny or rarely tell you what's funny. Or they never let you see their comedy. Non hand. They have two notes. They say, make it nicer and make it warmer and make it more beautiful. Make it more beautiful. Make it more aesthetically beautiful. And then this one, and this is the one they did learn that is beyond reproach. It can never be. They always be like, tighten it up. Let's see if we can get a few pages out of here. What is it coming in at? 22 minutes? Let's get it done down to 20. What is that treatment? 18 pages. Let's get it down to 16. Whatever it is, they'll always end with, shorten it up, tighten it up, tighten it up. Because, well, I'll tell you why. Because if you don't have a sense of humor and you need something to say, no one's ever going to say. It's like you're batting coach, but you've never hit a ball in your life. You just go, keep your head in there. No one's Ever going to argue with you. No, I'm not going to keep my head in there.

[Brian Bishop]

Also because their attention. Spanish shop, Right? So I recently did a 10 minute presentation of something for a network and I was told by the agents, cut it down to five. I said, why? Because no one will watch 10 minutes. I said, 10 minutes. We're trying to sell a half hour. You're telling me 10 minutes. If I'm going to invest millions of dollars in a show, you're telling me I want to judge that expenditure on less.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Less of a taste.

[Brian Bishop]

If you go to the ice cream store and you ask for a taste, they're now giving you a molecule of a taste because they think that's better.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always shorter. Here's what it is. Faster, louder music, Pump up the jams and speed it up. Because again, they think everyone, they'll do that thing where they go, these people will drift off. They're stupid. They're. They're not gonna pay attention. And you're like, I'm not bringing this into a special needs learning facility for young adolescents that have had head trauma. These are executives at the comedy level. They're gonna. I'm gonna lose them at minute seven of my presentation. Tell them to fucking sit still and watch it.

[Brian Bishop]

They don't.

[Adam Carolla]

But. They don't. They don't.

[Brian Bishop]

Is it because they're. Oh, they actually said this to me. What's gonna happen is they're gonna put on your thing. They're gonna put it on their computer and they're gonna email while it's running on the computer and they're going to take a call.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

They already know this is going to happen.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's a wildly, marvelously fucked up process. And this is why the batting average, at least comedically, is so horrific that you have to get through this gillnet of retards who runs the networks. And then if you get through them, then you got to get through testing in Nevada. And that is just that. And I'm also like, look, if you were just going to go off what the group of unemployable people have to say with the fanny packs in Nevada, why did we have all the discussions leading up into this? Why didn't at least give them the version of this that I wanted? And then you just get the feedback and base your entire thing on the feedback from the unemployable people with the fanny packs in the back.

[Brian Bishop]

You know what testing's for?

[Adam Carolla]

It's for covering their ass.

[Brian Bishop]

You got it? It's Ass covering. That's all it is. When it bombs, they can say, it wasn't me. Look at the testing it did. Tested great. But 99% of everything that gets on the air tests great, and 99% of that craps out. So I actually said to an executive, did you ever test the testing?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That's the whole thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Did their brain explode?

[Adam Carolla]

Steam.

[Brian Bishop]

They couldn't get it.

[Adam Carolla]

A snake eating its tail? No. I was talking to Mike lynch about this when we had a. A sitcom pilot, probably at NBC, where it's like, they were like, oh, man, this is the greatest thing ever. And then the testing came back and they're like, we got some work to do. We got some work to do here. All of a sudden, all the comedy experts and the executives, all the guys get six figures to no comedy, all of a sudden fell prey to the semi retarded people with the fanny packs in Nevada or in Florida and went, all right, now let's go ahead and change this to the people who don't like comedy don't know anything about comedy and have the meter. And here's the whole thing about the meter. When they test things, you turn to the right if you like it, and then if you don't like it, you turn it to the left.

[Brian Bishop]

Which brings up the question, who the hell watches TV like this?

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody. And secondly, it's really. It's. It's. How would Carol O'Connor? How do you think he would have fared as Archie Bunker when every time he came in, they just start turning to. When every time he starts screaming at Edith to run in there, you ding bat, and get me my supper.

[Allison Rosen]

Not exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Like I start turning it to the left again and then, oh, here comes Mike and Gloria. Listen, you, Pollock, get out of my chair. Oh, turning to the left. Turning to the left.

[Allison Rosen]

They would have recast him as John Stamos.

[Adam Carolla]

Stamos would have been. Stamos is Archie Bunker.

[Dawson]

I have a question. This is what my wife does for a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on one second. So they would come back with all the death, and they would come back to Phil and they'd go, we gotta get rid of Carol O'Connor. And he'd go, why? That guy's the best thing about this show. And he'd go, I like him too. Or I thought I did, but look at this testing. He tested through the floorboards.

[Brian Bishop]

Norman Lear did three separate pilots of all in the Family before it got on the air. Really? Tested and bombed once. Tested and bombed twice. Tested and bombed a third time Stamos.

[Adam Carolla]

Ted McGinley and who's the third?

[Brian Bishop]

But Carol was the guy the whole time.

[Allison Rosen]

David Faustino.

[Brian Bishop]

Finally, Fred Silverman, who was an executive then, took a chance.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And this is.

[Brian Bishop]

Used his gut. But those people don't exist anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

It is now just death because of the knob turning. It's like we had. So if you have an antagonist in your sitcom, they start turning it to the left when the guy starts yelling at the kid who's selling Cub Scout cookies. Here's the worst part.

[Brian Bishop]

First of all, turn to the right. Anytime anyone they've seen before comes in the door, oh, I recognize him.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

That translates as I like him.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how Tim.

[Brian Bishop]

Somebody comes. Yes. Somebody comes in that I've never seen before. I don't know who that is. That translates to don't like.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Now here's the worst part. Every time there's a straight line or a setup line, turn to the left. I'm not laughing while you're talking.

[Adam Carolla]

Setting it up.

[Brian Bishop]

Setting it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, we're looking at punchline.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Turn to the right.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

So what's the note?

[Adam Carolla]

Get rid of the setups.

[Brian Bishop]

Exactly.

[Allison Rosen]

Tighten it up.

[Adam Carolla]

More jokes. So sorry, Brian. I feel bad because Brian was going to say sorry.

[Dawson]

I just. I know that my wife runs a lot of these. I know that you can manipulate results based on how you ask the question. What order of questions you ask. So my question is, do you guys think that. I'm sure it does happen and in your experience, it happened. Where the executives can manipulate these, set them up to support their own theories of how it should be.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course.

[Dawson]

See what I told you? This is what's here.

[Brian Bishop]

A simple question like, what didn't you like about the show? Well, they may not have been thinking that way. They may have enjoyed it, but now they're put on the spot. I should think about something I didn't like. I guess I didn't like the music before the ending.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Gotta cut that music.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And when we do a lot of these things where the dingbat broad who's working the comedy at CBS or NBC gives the one note, but it's just a retarded note. And then your stupid producers, your non writing producer hacks who you're working with say, well, just do Nina or Nancy's note. And you're like, but that's a retarded note. And they go, I know, but she only had one, so just do it. Because when we just ruin your thing, just fuck your joke up. So when you give it back to her, she'll go, oh, my stupid retarded notion can be seen here or not seen on screen. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

The proper response to any note that you get from anyone is, we'll take a look at that.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but you understand, that is you and you have a little something called juice, my friend.

[Brian Bishop]

No, I did it before the juice.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you weren't working with dingbat producers.

[Brian Bishop]

Always.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right. Because then you get a bunch of people and what they do is they.

[Brian Bishop]

Remember our message from last time. Yes, do the show you want to do, because in the end they're going to cancel you in anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

So do listen to the note. Don't be a jerk. The note could be good. It could get.

[Adam Carolla]

The more you know, the more you know, you.

[Brian Bishop]

You might get a good note. It can come from anywhere.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

It can come from your assistant you were yelling at before.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Brian Bishop]

He could have a good note for you.

[Allison Rosen]

Crappy Matt.

[Dawson]

Yes, get more tps.

[Brian Bishop]

It could come from the toilet.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone could actually say something. Don't bang on the bathroom door until. Matt, he's getting a compliment from Phil Rosenthal.

[Brian Bishop]

But you might actually something that even a guy like this.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the point.

[Brian Bishop]

And it behooves you. There's a good word. Yeah, behoove to listen, consider it, and then take it. Or not.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I've said that a million times, which is. I'm all ears if the fucking cleaning woman wants to throw out a good one. Yes, I'm all ears. Because I'm gonna get the credit.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, it behooves you.

[Adam Carolla]

It behooves me. But by the same token, if your idea is lame, I'm not going to do it just because you're in the corner office at the top of the building. Yes, but you end up working with producers that go, just do what she said. It'll put her in a good mood and it'll help us get on the ad.

[Brian Bishop]

No, it never helps.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. It never helps. Well, now I know. Phil, the movie Exporting Raymond is going to be out on Blu Ray and dvd. I recommend this very highly. It's just. You cannot believe what Phil went through and all in this exotic locale. I mean, these crazy drivers and guys that were like in the. In the Russian mob. And there's some just incredible scenes like where you go to the airplane graveyard slash museum, the military museum, and the guys explaining to you about his former life working and, you know, being. Being in the Soviet military and killing. I mean, it just keeps going and going and going. And the dingbat producers, really, as someone who's been through the process a million times, I just. I laughed and I cried. Should we do a little more news?

[Allison Rosen]

Quick exporting Raymond Question. I don't know if this is a spoiler, but were you ever able to export it? I mean, are they doing the show?

[Brian Bishop]

That's the end of the movie. I can't tell you.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, Right. Then I guess I will have to watch.

[Brian Bishop]

You'll see. You'll have a look. They're telling me, though, that other countries are now doing it. And this my.

[Allison Rosen]

What if other countries are doing Exporting Raymond?

[Brian Bishop]

No, no, no. They're doing Raymond. It may actually become the most produced show in the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

Really.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Because as it. As it expands into different continents and different places. Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Poland is doing it. I'm not going. Israel is doing it. Somebody asked me, what do you think the Israeli version is going to be? I said, probably louder and more annoying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. With slightly more arm hair. Forearm hair.

[Brian Bishop]

Egypt and India.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. Well, that'd be, first off, a great feather in your cap. And then secondly, it will be great when all this stuff comes in and you're able to watch that version of your.

[Brian Bishop]

I've seen clips already. It's unblushed. Unbelievable. To see the Egyptian version. To see a kitchen that kind of looks like our kitchens, but the woman is in a mufti or whatever, you know, and. Yeah, doing the Egyptian talk.

[Adam Carolla]

Too much eye makeup. Yeah, I love that. All right, go ahead.

[Brian Bishop]

News.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison Rosen and the rest of the news. And now the Rest of the News with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Good news, sports fans.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I'm jumping in already. My damn channel. I gotta. I gotta throw one out quickly for my good friend Rob over there at my damn channel. Fourth birthday so soon. Where's the time gone? MyDamnChannel.com celebrating their fourth year making the best original comedy series online. Number four, big talent, right? Rob Barnett. He got thrown out of show business about the same time I did. He was the guy got me on the radio, so eventually had to get rid of him.

[Dawson]

Coincidence.

[Adam Carolla]

Not at all. Not at all. No. Now they got their own channel. Can be yours, too. My damn channel. Yes. Waney Days is a really good show. David Wayne does over there. Paul Rudd's on that. Elizabeth Banks on that. Jonah Hill on that. You can see it live on stage, by the way, at Just 4 Laughs Festival in Montreal. That's Saturday. Coming up. Saturday, July 30th. And Rob Cordry's gonna do that. Jeff Ross. The Ford mentioned. Jeff Ross. Garfunkel and Oates. Wow. Hall and Oates. Simon and Garfunkel. I don't know. I gotta work that out. Reggie Watts and more [e-mail] waneydays sorry, sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you just about done?

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, great news, sports fans, and I consider myself one of them. The NFL lockout is over. Yes, there will be football.

[Adam Carolla]

It's good.

[Allison Rosen]

I think everyone's a little bit confused about what happened, but there will, and especially me. But there will be football again, and terms have been agreed on and here are some of them.

[Adam Carolla]

I won't let my moderate to severe plaque psoriasis symptoms define me.

[Beth Littleford]

Emerge as you in two clinical studies.

[Adam Carolla]

Trim Fire Guselcomab, taken by injection provided 90% clear skin at 16 weeks in 7 out of 10 adults with moderate.

[Teresa Strasser]

To severe plaque pirates.

[Adam Carolla]

In a study, nearly 7 out of 10 patients with 90% clearer skin at 16 weeks were still clearer at 5 years. At 1 year and thereafter, patients and healthcare providers knew that Trimphia was being used. This may have increased results. Results may vary. Serious allergic reactions may occur. Trimphia may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. Before treatment, your doctor should check you for infections and tuberculosis. Tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms of infection, including features, fever, sweats, chills, muscle aches or cough. Tell your doctor if you had a vaccine or plan to emerge as you learn more about Tremfya, including important safety [e-mail] or call 1-877-578-3527. See our ad in Food and Wine magazine for patients prescribed Tremfya. Cost support may be available. Hell's gates are open. Get ready to save humanity in Diablo 4 Vessel of Hate Hatred. Continue the saga and carve your own path through Sanctuary's cursed lands with massive updates to character progression difficulties and loot systems for powerful demon slaying action. Unleash fierce skills as you embark on an immersive campaign. Tackle new co op dungeons and team up with allies using the new party finder. Hell awaits you. Save 35% off Diablo 4 and Vessel of Hatred today in the Diablo 4 expansion bundle. Rated M for Mature. A hilarious new standup special from comedy legend Jim Gaffigan.

[Brian Bishop]

The Skinny is coming to Hulu November 22nd.

[Adam Carolla]

This Thanksgiving, see Jim in a whole new light as he gives you the inside scoop on everything from parenting teenagers to weight loss and gaslighting family members for Everyone in need of a happy hour. The new hilarious stand up special, Jim Gaffigan the Skinny is now streaming on Hulu. If your day sounds like we need to report asap, you deserve Modelo. If you've persevered through two more race, two more, you deserve this ice cold reward. Medela, the mark of the fighter. Drink responsibly. Beer imported by Crownland Port Chicago, Illinois.

[Allison Rosen]

Revenue will be divided 53% to owners and 47% to players over the next decade, as opposed to the old way, which was a 5050 split.

[Adam Carolla]

This thing is right up there with the deficit in terms of things I've heard about and really can never weigh in on, just have nothing. It's not math, it's just the. On one hand, some guy makes a poignant speech about why we have to get rid of the deficit or lower the deficit and all that kind of stuff. And on the other hand, you go, I've been hearing that for like 30 years and I'm doing all right. Everyone's been crying about it. And it's same with this NFL. I don't know whose side to take.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that's the thing I keep saying, so who's the bad guy? Because I'm a very simple person, but apparently there's not really a bad guy. Right, Brian?

[Dawson]

Well, I was saying both sides have salient points.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you the problem. It's usually a pretty easy choice you make. Like, you see the boss coming down, he's smoking the cigars, wearing a pinky ring, and there's normal. Yeah, and there's normal sitting there by a conveyor belt, and he starts screaming at her. And it's pretty damn easy to cast your vote for Norma Ray. It's just an easy way to go. That'll be shown at Phil's house, by the way, this Sunday, horribly depressing.

[Brian Bishop]

Normal.

[Dawson]

Sally Field is going to make some pizza.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Mm. I like anchovy. I really like anchovy. So the point is this. These are a bunch of guys that look like Robert Kraft who have these stupid, I'm telling you owners, stop dressing like you're made of money. You get no sympathy from the public. When we, we see you coming in there with the super bowl ring and the two tone shirts where the cuff is white and the collar's white and the shirt is blue and you have a salmon.

[Allison Rosen]

He's just tempting. Ring around the collar.

[Adam Carolla]

You look like the richest white guy. You literally look like the man. And then players stop wearing the big fucking jewelry. Because you guys have fucked yourself.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Brian Bishop]

I feel sorry for them.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't know. Because you have more hanging from your fucking earlobes than I have left on my. More mortgage. Why don't you fucking just wear. Get a burlap sack and put a hole in it and tie some rope around it for a belt. You know, show up like that, rub.

[Allison Rosen]

Soot all over your face.

[Adam Carolla]

I rarely say this, but in this particular case, take a page out of Brett Favre's playbook, put on those Wranglers and a fucking T shirt and ride a tractor in there. Don't drive the Maybach and have the fucking huge diamond studs hanging off your ear. Because now I look at Robert Kraft and I go, he's rich. He should. And then I look over there and I see to. And I go, well, he looks like he's doing all right now. I don't know who to side for.

[Brian Bishop]

Battle of the billionaires.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

But here, Kraft said, I'd like on behalf of both sides.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he did? I just brought up Kraft. That's weird.

[Allison Rosen]

To apologize to the fans. For the last five, six months, we've been talking about the business of football and not what goes on on the field and building the teams in each market. But the end result is we've been able to have an agreement that I think is going to allow this sport to flourish over the next decade.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, I'm in.

[Brian Bishop]

And as long as there's football, nobody really cares about the deficit.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? That's the point. God, that was the chewiest sounding. He went up an octave. He dropped down at the end. That's how I do it. That's how we roll.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, were you really afraid there wasn't going to be football?

[Adam Carolla]

I wasn't, no. I said all along, there's way too much money being left here any time you have a bunch of business guys getting together. And these guys were business guys. I mean, they didn't start off as team owners. They start off as oil guys or whatever, junk bonds, whatever. They start in business. A bunch of business guys don't lock themselves up in a Four Seasons boardroom and walk out with the notion of leaving billions of dollars on the table. They'll work it out.

[Allison Rosen]

So here's something I don't understand. The labor dispute comes to a close after claiming one exhibition. Exhibition. The hall of Fame game between the Bears and rams, scheduled for August 7th in Canton, Ohio. Otherwise, the entire preseason and regular season schedules remain intact.

[Adam Carolla]

Exhibition, hall of Fame it's preseason football. The hall of Fame game. No one needs that.

[Dawson]

It's the first exhibition game of the year and it's just generally scrubs, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, for the most part. You go there to watch all the idiots in Canton, Ohio, because bright the heat to go berserk over Terry Bradshaw.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, now they can't. Not this year.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

The two suspects who beat Brian Stowe at Dodger Stadium were arraigned today.

[Adam Carolla]

Geez, they look like such congenial fellas.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I know. The guy on the right with the neck tattoo. My mom had that tattoo.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Yeah, I guess her hair was over it. I didn't see it had past tense.

[Allison Rosen]

She got it laser removed.

[Brian Bishop]

Didn't the man insult Dodger dogs? Isn't that what caused his murder?

[Adam Carolla]

They're horrible.

[Brian Bishop]

They are.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, they're the worst dog on the planet. It's.

[Brian Bishop]

It's like hot baloney.

[Adam Carolla]

It is the worst piece of ever. I mean, the best dogs are the Chicago style dogs that are steamed and when you bite into them, the casing snaps and you get the juice. Yes, this is a dog with no casing on it. It's like somebody took Spam and tried to roll. Make a dildo out of it.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a flat acid.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a flash baloney penis roll that hangs four inches out of the fucking bun. That nobody from the east Coast. And no, you have to be.

[Brian Bishop]

It tastes terrible.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to be a drunk Mexican in order to appreciate this. There's no. They're the worst fucking form of confection. I mean, I never grew to see.

[Dawson]

More in my life.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a horrible dog.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe we can get it.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, there's too many idiots going to dead. First off, it's baseball. So they have a bunch of fucking boneheaded retards in this stadium filling the place up. And the Dodgers.

[Brian Bishop]

I agree with you, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? First off, what they have is alliteration, which works on people all the time. They have Dodger Dog and it worked. And it's in. I would love to go around all the stadiums in major league baseball and find the worst fucking hot dog in the land. You cannot do worse than the Dodger Dog.

[Brian Bishop]

That's it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's impossible. It's impossible. You go to. You go to Pittsburgh, you're getting some smokey kielbasa e thing. You go to Chicago, you're getting a Chicago style dog. And here you get this big fucking dildo that just dipped in shit. It's horrible.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's do A show where we find the best one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, we should. It's a show. The best and the worst. All right, Go ahead, Allison. It is fucking horrible.

[Allison Rosen]

You're so right, Phil, do you always want the snappy? Natural case.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Who doesn't?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

People with palates that are as developed as a five year old like mine. What?

[Brian Bishop]

You don't like the snappy?

[Beth Littleford]

You know.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, so my dad's from the east coast, and I grew up always hearing that the hot dog should have a snappy casing. And I always preferred mushy. Oscar Myers. When I was a kid. I haven't. When I was a kid.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll say. What you're saying.

[Allison Rosen]

I haven't had a hot dog in years.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Maybe you need one, baby.

[Allison Rosen]

Jew on Jew crime.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, here we go.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't. Is that a euphemism?

[Brian Bishop]

She seems like every other.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, I know. She's like a weird blind spot when it comes to hot dogs.

[Brian Bishop]

And I mean cheese.

[Allison Rosen]

I just. I play it up to be more labeled.

[Brian Bishop]

I listen to you all the time. This is the first time I've seen you.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

You are like the Hebrew School fantasy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. She is not Hebrew National. No, that's a decent.

[Brian Bishop]

Has a snappy kid.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the one that I grew up hearing is like.

[Adam Carolla]

Although that'd be a decent name for Hebrew school.

[Allison Rosen]

Hebrew National.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or, you know. All right, Allison. Here we go, baby.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. So Louis Sanchez and Marvin Norwood, both of Rialto, were arrested Thursday, charged Friday in connection with the attack. They're both charged with mayhem, assault by means likely to produce great bodily injury, and battery with serious bodily injury, which are all felonies.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard if they were convicted, they could do eight years. And I was like, eight years? You sell a couple of joints at a fish concert, you get eight years. And here's the whole thing. When you essentially do what it would take to kill somebody, but the person somehow doesn't die, I'll give you murder anyway. If you do a thing where you shoot somebody in the head and the bullet passes through their head, and somehow, miraculously. And by the way, because there are things called helicopters and medical emergency medicine, doctors, the person would have been dead if this were the 50s. But they're not dead now because we transported them with a medevac helicopter and everything, you tried to kill him. That's murder. That's enough. You did what it took to kill him. And by the way, this guy's in a coma. That'll never come out of so that's as good as dead.

[Dawson]

Here's the worst part. I thought this was just an average, ordinary stomping at Dodger Stadium. I thought they just pretty much stomped into a coma. I heard Allison probably explain what they do, what they actually do to this guy. I heard it, like, recently.

[Adam Carolla]

They said it was cut his tongue and they cut his nose, cut his eye out.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

But I.

[Dawson]

Here's the worst part about.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I see. I was. Think I was hearing that. Yeah, but I don't know if that's from kicking him in the head over and over again.

[Dawson]

Cut his tongue out.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard that, too. But you understand if you kick somebody in the head long enough, they're gonna bite their tongue off.

[Allison Rosen]

This is.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

How can this show recover from symmetry?

[Adam Carolla]

We got a good story coming next.

[Allison Rosen]

He suffered a cut tongue, lipid nostril, and lost an eye. A blow to the head caused brain damage and swelling that prompted surgeons to remove part of his skull. It doesn't say that they.

[Adam Carolla]

But Brian's never wrong.

[Dawson]

No, never wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

But.

[Dawson]

But I am right in the sense that this is not. This is not a few kicks to the head. This is a prolonged kick.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you're wrong, because a second ago you're thinking they got a knife out.

[Brian Bishop]

No, this. Either way, this is.

[Dawson]

Plenty of people must have walked by.

[Adam Carolla]

While this is happening.

[Dawson]

I thought it's like a few kicks and out like a light.

[Adam Carolla]

I. Who the hell knows?

[Brian Bishop]

He said he didn't like the high.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And plus the information. A law enforcement source told the LA Times that a child provided authorities with information about.

[Adam Carolla]

I would like to do that. I'd like to. I'd like to. I would like to lay down that beating on Farmer John. How about that for making the world's worst hot dog? Yeah, Farmer John. I would like to rape him with one of his frozen hot dogs. That. That would be my. That'd be my fantasy. I'm gonna take a Dodger Dog. I'm gonna flash freeze it, and I'm gonna. I am going to dry rape, by the way. I'm going to penetrate Farmer John Mustard.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm here on a special night.

[Adam Carolla]

No Mustard, no Mustard, not even a little spit. Just going right at him with the freezer burning. All right. Up the poop chute.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, God.

[Adam Carolla]

He's caused that much damage.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, let's really get Adam Carolla for Dodger Dogs. Oscar Meyer. Now, what about Ballpark Frank or Remember those Frank. Those Franken Franks that Had cheese injected in them.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, first, rape Farmer John first with a frozen. When you have to inject cheese into something, you're basically saying we've lost. Or you're saying, I cannot make a decent hot dog.

[Allison Rosen]

Look what science has wronged. All right, all right, fine. Did you hear about this? I think you did. Since you told me about it, two New Jersey teens have been labeled sex offenders for life after a horseplay incident where one of the boys sat on the faces of a pair of 12 year old schoolmates with his bare bones athletics quote. Cause I thought it was funny. I mean, it is funny.

[Dawson]

Yo Kozuna.

[Allison Rosen]

Because I thought it was funny and I was trying to get my friends to laugh.

[Adam Carolla]

Take it from a guy who's done way more than this.

[Allison Rosen]

What have you done?

[Adam Carolla]

Way. Oh my God, what have I done? What's been done to me? Yeah, I was walking. Well, now I hung out with Chris and Ray and they're both big, strong, scared dudes. And let's see, during school hours on school, Ray shit into a napkin and. Or Chris shit into a napkin that Ray hid behind his back. And then as I was walking down the hall, I noticed he was like hiding something. We were cutting class, so there wasn't anyone else in this hall. And he took this big shit napkin and slapped it. Stuck in my ear. And then I had to take my. Thank God it wasn't a real down jack. It was just like Dacron pile, you know, bought zodies and put it over my head and go home and take a shower.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, you sealed the shit up in your ear with your.

[Adam Carolla]

I couldn't walk down the. I couldn't be in school with shit in my ear. I had to hide myself.

[Allison Rosen]

You wouldn't hear their mocking.

[Adam Carolla]

The Phantom of the Shitra. I put the jacket over my head and I ran. And there was a security guard standing by the fence and he was like, hey, I played football. I like, I flew over that fence, knocked him right out of the way. How old were you? 17. I've seen. I've seen Ray piss on guys he never met before.

[Allison Rosen]

The insult of a stranger pissing on you as opposed to someone you know.

[Adam Carolla]

When we were in high school, the football team had something called the cage in the back. The doorknob was busted off on the cage. They had a cage going all the way up to the ceiling so no one could rip off our equipment. We'd throw guys in the cage. Chris would stand on top of the lockers and there's no place you could escape. Once you got into the cage, the doorknob was busted. The only way to get out is to go get vice grips from, you know, Mr. Hensley or whoever. And then Chris would just piss on him while they just ran around on it. That's just. This is the beginning. This is merely the beginning of all the fucking disgusting shit we would do. Yeah, there's me and there's Ray.

[Dawson]

The look on bill.

[Adam Carolla]

Ray. What's 195 pounds in the ninth grade?

[Brian Bishop]

If Kate Middleton was sitting here, would you tell the same story?

[Allison Rosen]

I wonder that often.

[Adam Carolla]

She's coming in at 9:00 hour field, don't you? Yeah. No, no, you're right. We should talk about dogs. Yeah. You're sorry. I'm sorry. That was. I know you have delicate sensibilities. I'm sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

A little. I'll tell you my story.

[Adam Carolla]

So this is. This pales in comparison to anything that we ever did. But we should all act disgusted, right?

[Brian Bishop]

So the boy just pulled. He pulled his pants down and sat down on a. On a girl.

[Allison Rosen]

It doesn't even say it was a girl. A pair of 12 year old schoolmates.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're boys maybe.

[Allison Rosen]

And so is that like one cheek per.

[Adam Carolla]

Cousin Sal did this to Mike August.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's sort of.

[Allison Rosen]

It's wondering. I'm wondering about the fact that it's considered a sex crime because it. I mean, yes, there was a. There was some bare buttocks involved, but here's. This is what it says.

[Adam Carolla]

Jimmy put his dick in my Snapple.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, Jesus. And a new flavor was.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, actually the joke was.

[Brian Bishop]

Hey, you put your.

[Adam Carolla]

The joke was not on me because it wasn't my Snapple. Jimmy had to watch the guy walk in and grab it and walk back out again.

[Allison Rosen]

Was it in a cup?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's just an apple jar.

[Allison Rosen]

That just seems dangerous.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying. This is a stuff. I'm just saying, as we did as an adult. These were adults. What we did, I did in high school bordered on the ma.

[Allison Rosen]

That was sexually. That was the dark arts.

[Adam Carolla]

It was. It was like a performance art. It was. It was something that Mapplethorpe would have went.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I. Goddamn. Where was I? Why didn't I think of that?

[Allison Rosen]

Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what Mapplethorpe would have said.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? Piss Christ. What the fuck is that?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no. People.

[Allison Rosen]

But seriously, open Snapple J. Would you put that. I mean the birth situation.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, they had the wide, wide mouth.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Not like a Pepsi. No. Jimmy thought it was my Snapple, so he christened it and then the guy whose Snapple it is walked in and.

[Brian Bishop]

Got it and left and probably drank it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm assuming that's what you do when you purchase a Snapple.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you guys ever put your genitals in any sort of beverage?

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe a little Fresca, but only if it's super hot.

[Allison Rosen]

It is refreshing. It's the bubbles.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they do that thing where why put a damp, you know, moist towelette on your forehead when you can dunk your junk in some Fresca?

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Phil, I pass on this question.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, that's a yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's a yes.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a yes.

[Allison Rosen]

You just took the fifth.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Mm. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

How uncomfortable.

[Brian Bishop]

Anyway, but someone did walk in on me once and I said, I'm making tea.

[Adam Carolla]

You stir it your way, I'll do it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, that's right. An act is considered criminal. Criminal sexual contact, if it is done for sexual gratification or to degrade or humiliate the victim and punishable by lifetime registration, even for juveniles under Megan's Law.

[Adam Carolla]

We're such uptight pussies now. You know what? Look, the deal is, kids get fucked with. That's the way it roll. I mean, like I said, my buddy Rose, he'd actually force kids in ninth grade to lay down on the floor. And then he'd put a barbell over their neck. Oh, just enough for them to breathe. And they could breathe, but they just couldn't move the barbell. They were just trapped on the floor.

[Allison Rosen]

Bullying your school.

[Adam Carolla]

It wasn't bull. He bullied me. Morning. It wasn't in bullying. It was just. It was just fun. It was just fucking dog. Dodger dog. Eat Dodger dog. Like, you just go at it. You get something happen to you, you pay it back. That's. That's the way it was.

[Allison Rosen]

But I love that he had a barbell at his disposal. A shit napkin.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he. The greatest moment I ever had with Ray is he pissed in a tumbler and he was going to dump it on me. By the way, these guys, we'd go to Dupars and eat and we'd be sitting there in a big booth eating and you'd feel something on your leg and Ray would be pissing on your leg. Ray pissed all over my buddy Alex while he was driving his Volkswagen when the guy was driving. Driving Ray home and Ray got his dick out and pissing on him while he was driving him. And then when the guy threw Ray out of the car, Ray was incensed. I remember what for dude. And he was like, she just pissed all over me. And by the way, this is after my buddy Alex bought him a fat burger. That's how we repaid him. My buddy Chris peed all over me while I picked him up at his Snacks with Avenue gig.

[Allison Rosen]

He said, snacks with Avenue, snacks with.

[Adam Carolla]

Avenues where he used to work. I picked him up and I picked him up my dad's car and he pissed on me while I was driving him. And so I took my.

[Allison Rosen]

On purpose. Oh yeah, because I've had someone accidentally.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was all. No, no, it's on purpose.

[Allison Rosen]

Deliberate.

[Adam Carolla]

Ray pissed in a cup and he was at my parents house and he put it on the counter because he was going to throw it at me. And then he like ran around the outside of the house and I was like, what's got a big tumbler full of piss here? And it was the greatest moment ever. Ray was looking around the house trying to find me and I was in the house and he like thought I was outside the house. And he walked up to one of those side doors that had. Oh, this is Cousin Sal doing the Yokozuna. Oh, watch that.

[Dawson]

Finish your story.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. He walked up to one of the side doors, had like a screen on it where you couldn't see through it. You had to put your head up to it. It was light outside and dark inside. It was dark in the room, but the window was open, but just a screen was there. Ray pressed his face up against the screen and he took his hands and he cupped them to like get the light out. He put his face up against it and I took his cup of piss and I just went right in the face. And he started screaming, my eyes are burning. And it's like up my nose. I have your big piss cup. It's ruined my life.

[Brian Bishop]

Hoist on his own petard.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what happened to him.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't piss in the thing and leave it, right?

[Adam Carolla]

It may be used against you.

[Brian Bishop]

How can we make a phrase out of that? Yeah, and some people will benefit from years from that.

[Adam Carolla]

And when I lived in the garage, right? And then Ray took a big shit and they end, right, and right when you walk. My dad found it. We just walked in, he found his shit. That's.

[Brian Bishop]

You seem to have a very low bar for friends.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, we beat the shit out of each other and then we'd piss on each other.

[Allison Rosen]

They have a low bar for toilets?

[Adam Carolla]

No, we'd be running around the Mulholland Club. After we broke. After we broke in and my buddy Tom actually got hurt, like got his foot like caught up in a spaghetti lounge and fell onto the ground and was like, I seriously, like. He rolled his ankle and he was holding his ankle going, I'm busted up. And you pissed on him. Oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And this is your.

[Adam Carolla]

We all just looked at each other.

[Brian Bishop]

He's still your best friend.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Yeah, we beat out of each other.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the way we did it. Does he do this anymore? I feel like to scratch the surface a little.

[Adam Carolla]

He pissed on me at the 10 year reunion.

[Allison Rosen]

Old times.

[Adam Carolla]

Old times is what he said. I couldn't. I just pissed on me. It's a ten year reunion. Old times was wearing a suit. Oh, yeah, we beat the shit out of each other. The hardest ever fought in my life is when after school these guys tried to drag me out of my house naked down onto the street where all the other kids were letting out across the street. And These guys are 200 pounds plus. They're both football players. I fucking went into crazy mom mode and just battled these two guys with crazy retard strength. It was awesome. It was awesome. We beat the fuck out of each other. Everyone's fine.

[Allison Rosen]

You should all register as sex offenders.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying, everyone is so nuts with all the hazing that goes on. Tough shit. Suck it up. Yeah, yeah, look at it. Look at me. I landed on my feet. Ray and Chris, not so much, but.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, you made your point up until that point at the end. Yeah, we're gonna see this, I guess.

[Brian Bishop]

We're watching television.

[Adam Carolla]

We're watching Jimmy. Explain. Please turn away from your TV set now. Roll the tape. Oh, yeah. Film cousins. Now what? It's Mike August sleeping. Oh, he busted his tooth. Oh, his tooth busted. Yeah, and might. No. You know, what happened is he tried to protect himself with his hand and his watch hit it took out his front tooth. And he. I haven't seen this in 10 years. He. He apologized for falling asleep at the party. He fell asleep, so it was his fault. This is Mikey sleeping. Mike's asleep. We're watching football. Now Sal's going to run like a kind of a button hook Pat.

[Brian Bishop]

This seems like the proper punishment for falling asleep.

[Allison Rosen]

Squash, squash.

[Adam Carolla]

This is just. Dudes, you know, I'm going to try that with my wife later. All right, that's good. We're good. Yeah, you can pause it. All right. Well, now. All right.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a beautiful. That's a beautiful segment.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, why not? Listen, Adam, this is Radio. Yeah, I'm saying we got it. Moving on. All right, that's it with the news.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. I have not pissed on anyone lately.

[Adam Carolla]

With Allison Rosen. Ah, yes, yes. Go to my PC. Yeah. Phil, have you ever tried Go to my PC?

[Brian Bishop]

That's where you can access your computer from somewhere else.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

Who doesn't need. Everybody needs.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody Loves Raymond and everyone needs. Go to my PC. And now they have an app for the iPad so you can get at your home computer, your work computer from your iPad. Go to my PC for the iPad. Brought to you by Citrix. Turns your iPad into your computer. Work for any program. And you can save, you can edit, you can do anything. You can file anything you can get to your files. This is. It's really. It's really. I was an atheist before this came around, and now I believe this week you can win an iPad. Two, by the way, and a free year of GoToMyPC. Check out the GoToMyPC video on our homepage and follow the instructions. I'll pick the winner. July 26. Well, you better hurry soon. Yeah, yeah, maybe.

[Brian Bishop]

Is it wrong that all I could think of during that ad was the previous segment?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Go to my p. Try go to my PC. Free football. Brian, Allison Rosen and Phil Rosenthal saying, mahalo, Jimmy put his dick in my Snapple. All right, those ADAM Carlos Show 618.

[Dawson]

Phil Rosenthal, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop 2011.

[Adam Carolla]

Come up next, we have Adam Kroll Show 620 with the Great Beth Littleford.

[Dawson]

Allison Rosen and Brian bishop, also from 2011.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, it's Adam Kroll from the Adam Karla show. Bet Online is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting from the earliest odds to in game live betting, betting. Bet Online provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they happen with the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, and college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA, and championship boxing. All your betting needs in one place. Head to betonline10 today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun. Make these games and these events and these combat sports a little more interesting with Bet Online. Bet Online. The game starts here. Good day, bald Brian. Adam, stop being such an asshole and start listening to people. Good day, Alison Rose.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man, I know your people like legal Zoom.

[Allison Rosen]

We love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Waiting for the perfect time to start that dream. Business?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

News Girls? No.

[Allison Rosen]

Hot chicks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Hot chicks, yeah.

[Dawson]

Rhymes with the news.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm. Hot and dressed in black. Johnny Gash.

[Allison Rosen]

I get it. I didn't get it the first time.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good stuff. You gotta keep those legal fees to a minimum. That's why I recommend whom.

[Allison Rosen]

LegalZoom.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. LegalZoom.com. it's really. This is great. I mean, I love this. Just in the fact that everything's opened up now.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Like you just go online, type it in. Go to legalzoom.com, take care of your crap. Don't get taken out to the woodshed by lawyer. Answer a few simple questions online. Fast. Easy. 100% satisfaction guaranteed. Trial tested documents personalized for your business. Start your corporation or LLC for as little as. What do you think, Allison?

[Allison Rosen]

$500. Oh, that's too little. 600.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Allison Rosen]

$650.

[Adam Carolla]

Freezing.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, okay. 400.

[Adam Carolla]

312. Chili. Let me get my cardigan.

[Allison Rosen]

295.

[Brian Bishop]

Damn.

[Adam Carolla]

Night. $99. 99. LegalZoom Not a law firm. They provide self help services at your direction. So for even more savings, enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. Start your business right. Protect your family. LegalZoom.com LegalZoom.com all right. Allison's got some news.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I do.

[Adam Carolla]

I will just say that I don't know if I brought it up before, but have I mentioned Steve Miller on this show? No, I've not. In a good 23 hours yesterday I did about 20 minutes on Abracadabra. Uncomfortable for Dawson because he had to bring Steve up on stage at a benefit. Here's all I'm saying. As I was yelling at Mike lynch, who has to come over and we're writing our book now. So he comes over, he sits there, he listens to me complain about everything under the sun for about an hour. And then we write for 20 minutes. And then I announce I'm hungry. And then he says, I'm hungry too. And then we go out and eat for an hour. And then we come back and wrap it up. That's how the writing process works. I said. And it's the thing that drives me insane. And it's a thing I wish society would hold against the so called artist. Whether you're Steve Miller or you're Sid Marty Croft or you're the newly dead Sherwood Schwartz. If you're an artist, if you're a creator, if you're a writer, if you're a musician and you're staring in a Rearview mirror, constantly trying to figure out what you can unearth from 20 years ago. You're shit.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

That's not your job. Your job is to look down the road, not see if you can take some fucking AIDS covered piece of turd like Abracadabra from 1987 and attempt to breathe new life into it in 2010. And by the way, why emotionally disturb a whole new group of Americans with this shit?

[Allison Rosen]

I know. Haven't you done enough harm?

[Adam Carolla]

Haven't you done enough harm? The point is, if you're an artist, you should not be looking backward. And then I said, the guy we had in here recently who does everything, experiments, collaborates with everyone, had a bunch of success, but also is always on to the next thing. Ben Folds. I said to Mike, do you think Ben Folds sits there and looks back 20 years and goes, what song? Whoa. You know that Brick? Brick was a hit. I should do a dance version of Brick. No, no, no. He's off. He's looking forward. He wants to do something else now. Will he make the money that Sid and Marty Croft make by taking all their fucking abortions from the 60s and early 70s that we should have never seen in the first place and selling Sigmund and the Sea Monster to Sony and then having them make the. No. You don't get it. But you should not have a car with a rear view mirror in it. If you're an artist, you should not be looking backward. What's that?

[Allison Rosen]

Even if you're a driver.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. You should not be looking back. You should be looking forward. I gave this impassioned speech to Mike for about 20 minutes, and then he stopped and he said, all right, so now can we get back to writing about something that happened to you 25 years ago? And I said, touche, touche, my friend. And then he said, how's that Bertram sitcom pilot working out for Fox? I don't know about that. God damn you. God damn you. And then I said, because I'm extra defensive, I said, it's okay to talk about shit you never made a dime off of the first time around. I mean, it never had any. None of these stories ever made me rich. Going to Tijuana and sleeping on the beach wasn't like, oh, that's a huge payday, right?

[Allison Rosen]

It's the super materialistic. I managed to have a hit with this back then. I'm going to go back and try to extract more money from it. There's nothing artistic about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, you creatively have to be brain dead to look back at something. It's one thing to look back at something and go, well, that would be nice to make a musical out of that, or even a children's book or.

[Allison Rosen]

Something, or an animated series.

[Adam Carolla]

But to essentially thank you. To essentially take the exact same thing you did in 1987 and put a synsonic drum beat behind it or whatever it is, punch it up a little, and create the exact same piece of work that you'd already create.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Dawson]

Although I do kind of like this song.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Oh, this is. Yeah. This is your gay song? Yes. Stevie Winwood. Little Stevie Winwood, all 61 years of him.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like when a child makes a poopy in his diaper. You get excited when an adult does it. It's not so great anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

Not so good. That's right. That's all I'm saying. Move on. We should all ask ourselves, all artists would Ben Folds that. That's all. Would he be looking back, trying to dust off a piece of shit from 30 or 40 years ago? That's all. And that's where my vitriol comes. All these guys who claim to be writers or claim to be artists. Claim to be whatever. Good. Write something. You're not writing something. You're trying to milk a cow that died 40 years ago and should have been shot at birth.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like a combination of farming and necrofield.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Other than that, I'm a huge fan. All right. You have some news?

[Allison Rosen]

I sure do.

[Adam Carolla]

Live from the International News center, next to Donny's minibikes, this is the News with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Another politician is resigning in the wake of a scandal. Oregon Congressman David Wu announced Tuesday he'd be resigning from the Congress because of a scandal involving allegations of sexual misconduct with a teenager. Whoo.

[Adam Carolla]

What's his last name?

[Allison Rosen]

David is his first name and Woo is his last name.

[Adam Carolla]

Woo, who's on first?

[Allison Rosen]

Who looks like a Dr. Seuss.

[Adam Carolla]

Woo's on first.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, so the daughter of one of his associates called his office to accuse him of, quote, an unwanted sexual encounter. He says it was consensual. He's a seven term Democrat and he says that he will resign. It's not effective immediately, but, quote, upon the resolution of the debt stealing crisis, he went on to say, I cannot care for my family the way I wish. While serving in Congress and fighting these very serious allegations.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they must have happened. Otherwise you don't resign. Right. I like when people go, I did nothing wrong. But I'm just gonna go ahead and step down from my high paying job anyway and go home with my tail between my legs.

[Allison Rosen]

He's admitting that it happened, but he's saying it was consensual.

[Adam Carolla]

And was she underage?

[Allison Rosen]

She's 18 now.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but everyone eventually turns 18.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, no, but I think that she.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why I have to kill him. Sorry, go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

I think that she was 18 when it happened.

[Dawson]

Not Chandra Levy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so she's 18 now and 18 then.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, yeah, you don't sound married.

[Adam Carolla]

To that, but if you're 18. He's saying she's 18. And this was consensual.

[Allison Rosen]

It was reported that she was a teenager. It's come out that she is 18. They haven't said when it happened, so I don't know, Maybe she was 17.

[Adam Carolla]

They gotta do a thing that somehow lets you know that 18 and 19 does not get lumped in with teenager.

[Dawson]

Well, it's possible that the age of consent in Oregon is lower too. They standardize that across the country.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's possible. Yeah. We may be picking up and moving to Oregon. Sorry, go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

So you can do your trolling for young chicks.

[Adam Carolla]

Between the Amazon thing and now the lower age of consent, it's just a bigger bullseye beckoning. Plus the great weather, it's hard to miss. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So Wu is known for erratic behavior. During his 2004 campaign, it came to light that in college he'd been accused of rape by an ex girlfriend. At the time, he said it was consensual, which is what he said about this. But he later apologized for it. And then also in 2010, there was a string of emails involving Wu in a tiger suit. There you go. And evidently staffers tried to get him to seek psychiatric help. So one of the good ones.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't understand and I'm not sure how to do this, but I do feel like. And maybe it's just what you hear in the news, but I feel like that being a politician attracts people with a personality disorder. So now it's not even a random sampling of the populace. I feel like we're only getting the nut job knobs who are, you know, have some sort of sexual, you know, some devious sexual behavior in their past or in their future and probably present or at least they have a narcissistic personality disorder. And now I'm starting to think I'd rather just randomly. Here's what I would like. I would like a governmental squad to just walk around and sort of just go from town to town and Go, what do you got around here? Smart? Well, Herb Chambers over there works at the college. He's a good guy. He's got three kids, been married for 26 years. Where'd he go? He went to Yale and he volunteers a lot with the elderly and like, all right, I'm gonna go tap this guy and just get behind him with an ether rag and some zip ties and he's gonna wake up in D.C. they go, what the fuck? Why am I in a three piece suit with American flag on lapel? You're in Congress now, Herb. No, no, but I just mean, just the fact that you want to be elected or reelected says to me there's something wrong with you. Yeah, you're right.

[Allison Rosen]

You have to be jumped in.

[Dawson]

It's like your brilliant idea about who wants to take the kids camping. First volunteers, you're out.

[Adam Carolla]

You're out.

[Dawson]

It's like, who wants to run for Congress? First five guys raise their hand. No way. You're banned for life.

[Adam Carolla]

Something's wrong with you. Right. It's just everybody is, I guess anytime, anytime you have a gig where there's more prestige than there is money, you're going to get a personality disorder. Because if you have someone who goes, look, this pays $5 million a year, but no one's going to know your name, people that don't have personality disorders goes, great, or personality, right? And if they go, hey, you're not going to make as much as you make in the private sector, but people are going to stand in a large group and hold your name on a piece of cardboard above their head. And you went, that sounds. I'm going to owner. Then we got a problem. And you'll get to fuck people on the road and you get a bunch of free shit from local merchants.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, the question, a question I have is how much of a spectrum is it? Like, is it for sure, People with personality disorders go into politics. Yes, A portion of them. But how many just regular people, given the opportunity, would do it?

[Adam Carolla]

I think we are taking that pool and shrinking it by the day. Because. Because I don't feel like you would want your life interrupted and investigated the way it's going to be now. If this in today's, today's YouTube time, I don't think there's anybody. I mean, I seriously, you know, I see people say, hey, Ace, man, you gotta run for president all the time. I'm not running for president. But you hear it enough and you think, yeah, maybe I should do something in politics or something. And you go, fuck that and I think I want everyone checking into everything and throwing everything up and all these. You can't be normal and want that for your family or yourself. In Today's climate now, 25 years ago or 50 years ago or 100 years ago, I do believe you had people that were like, I would like to help the community I live in now. I just feel like it's gone down because you almost have to be insane to be involved.

[Dawson]

The fact that there's so much transparency and the Internet is what it is and everything comes to light eventually. Don't you think that would weed out the truly bad people who knew they had something in their past because everything comes out eventually.

[Allison Rosen]

Evidently. Not really, though.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's part of the personality disorder.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I think they really think they're above the law. They're not going to be caught. They'll find a way to outsmart everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's like when you took the pillow off my sofa and put it on the floor for your dog. It's that kind of. I mean, it's not that bad, but I mean, it's. That has elements of that to it now.

[Allison Rosen]

What were you thinking when you did that?

[Dawson]

I don't know what else to do.

[Adam Carolla]

You had to know you're gonna get caught.

[Dawson]

You know what I was thinking now is there's an opening in the Oregon Senate or Congress or the fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian's making a run or shall I?

[Dawson]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Clean up that town.

[Allison Rosen]

Get this. Jesse James and Kat Von D have split.

[Adam Carolla]

What? I thought those kids would go on forever.

[Allison Rosen]

I know Sandra Bullock's ex and the tattoo artist were planning a summer wedding on their one year anniversary. But they've parted ways, citing distance as the problem.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm still reeling from this whole J. Lo Marc Anthony thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Now one thing after another. I don't believe in love anymore. Fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what to believe in. I don't. Jesus Christ.

[Allison Rosen]

Every man for himself.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Dawson, Ask lynch if he's got that extra clip I was bugging him about yesterday that he told me to have today. No, Gary. I just said no. Gary. How come your head was shaking no before I even asked my question? You ever think about that? Let's change that attitude, all right? Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

He's doing the best he can.

[Adam Carolla]

It was one of those things I love. It was one of those, you know, Mario Lopez was up there and he was like. And now the parents of Amy Winehouse grieve after hearing about their young daughter's death. And then he like, whipped around, he went, JLo's JLo celebrating her 42nd in style in a bikini. And it was like music pumping. It was like, can't they fucking put a piece of meat between those pieces of bread? You know what I mean? Just a little.

[Allison Rosen]

Just one beat.

[Dawson]

Try it again.

[Adam Carolla]

Amy.

[Dawson]

There's another one here. It is better.

[Adam Carolla]

First up, Amy Winehouse and her grieving parents try to put the pieces back together. Now J. Lo turns 42 in a bikini bash. Yeah, that's what it was. And I whiplash. I need a fucking palate cleanser. Between those two stories, have something where like a celebrity birthday or a celebrity breakup or something in there between those two, I got the fucking Benz. I need to decompress here.

[Dawson]

I used to do that on a morning zoo thing. Remember Marty St. Clair in the air. It's always funny in radio when the same voiceover guy would do like tonight on the Simpsons, blah, blah. Homer and Bart find themselves lost in the woods. And then on fringe, super serious voice gets always the same guy just changes his voice.

[Allison Rosen]

Looks like we have it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's turn it up. Go back to the start. Rewind it. Stop it, stop it, stop it. All right, let's enjoy this. Turn it up. This be last night's extra. Her descent and what she bought hours before dying at 27. No, no, no. I don't care what the official cause of death is. True. This is addiction Extras all star tribute today. Plus Amy, Kurt Cobain, Janice Joplin, and Jimi Hendrix. The eerie curse of 27. New pick, JLo's bikini birthday bash. Now she celebrated her 42nd as a single girl in Miami. Also you. I. I was just watching the tv, crying, going, that J. Lo. How could she celebrate during these dark times? I want justice. All right, yeah, she got her. J. Lo's having her 42nd birthday bash, everyone. And no wedding ring.

[Allison Rosen]

Fancy free.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So Kat Von D is in LA and Jesse James is in Austin. And they can't bridge the gap. And he said, I'm so sad because I really love her. The distance between us was just too much. And she tweeted, I am no longer with Jesse. And out of respect for him, his family and myself, that's all the info I'd like to share. Thanks for respecting that. Which is a real long tweet.

[Adam Carolla]

I never understood the, you know, people do the. We work together and that's what broke us up. And then there's. We're too far apart. That's what broke us up. And then they, they were both Working too much separately. And that's what broke us up.

[Allison Rosen]

What is the sweet spot?

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like the sweet spot. I feel like I've mastered it. Two TiVos, two floors, two TVs and a schedule that kind of brings you together on the weekends.

[Allison Rosen]

How many bathrooms?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, how many assholes?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, that's the follow up question.

[Adam Carolla]

Good to have a few bathrooms. You got to have some square if you're on top of each other. It is brutal. I've lived in enough shitty dinky studio sized apartments with girlfriends and you guys just are fucking fighting over everything immediately because your work desk is also her futon and your blotters on her futon and you guys are sharing the same shitty little bathroom and the shit's all over top of the toilet because using that as a counter. Yeah, counter and a pedestal and. And it's like it just when the other person is out of ears range and somewhere watching their show and you're somewhere watching your show, it's a million times easier. I don't buy it whenever I hear the we were gone apart too much. Because I've talked to guys who commute once a week. Like I know guys who have a business out in LA and live up in San Francisco and come out on a Southwest flight on Tuesday morning morning and leave at the 5 o'clock flight on Friday afternoon and spend three days with their family and then come back again. It's like it can be done. It's done all the time, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Well. Or do you think it's that they couldn't compromise? Like he didn't want to move here or she didn't want to move there or something. And also they weren't in love.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's a situation and this seems to happen a lot and this is where the celebrity breakups come about. But this is where every breakup comes about. Every relationship, whether it's a working relationship or an emotional, sexual, physical relationship, whatever it is an intimate relationship, it's held together by an emotional component, but it's also held together by a practical component. No matter what you say, there's always a practical side to any relationship. Dawson and I get along great. Dawson does a great job. Job. Dawson would stay here forever. But if Dawson knew that there were five other radio stations or podcasts or were dying to get him into their total fantasy. Fucking pulling this out of my ass. Don't even understand. Crazy Pegasus lightning bolts in the sky. I mean insane fantasy, but still go along with it. Anyway, let's just say there are other people that were interested in employing dossier.

[Allison Rosen]

Trying to wrap my head.

[Adam Carolla]

Are these people from Earth? No, no, no. They're Neptunian and their colony of Droidian hermaphrodites. I mean, come on. This is insane. Makes sense. They don't even have money. They don't even use money.

[Dawson]

His signing bodice is a unicorn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. They pay in tribbles and. Unicorns.

[Allison Rosen]

Tribbles on the back end.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Unicorns on the floor.

[Adam Carolla]

It's total fancy, wild, wild fantasy, but go with me. Okay, so let's just say somebody thought he was talented.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay?

[Adam Carolla]

Again, it's a different race from a different. Not even the same time. We're living in.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

It's either either a hundred million years away, it's a million years in the future, or it could have been a million years in the past. They don't even know they're light years away. Light years. Okay. We can't even wrap our mind around the conversation.

[Allison Rosen]

I can't even picture it. Just the words.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. But anyway.

[Dawson]

Okay, they don't use words. They communicate telepathically.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a concept.

[Adam Carolla]

They have huge foreheads and that's how they communicate. The point is this. If one of these beings. I'm serious. Thought Dawson was employable, okay? And Dawson knew he had a shitload of options and these guys paid up the wazoo with the tribbles and the unicorn, no matter what, it would affect our relationship later. Husband. I'm not saying he would leave, but it would affect how it works. So when you have a working relationship or you have an emotional or physical relationship, intimate relationship, when each person. When the guy's fat and bald and the chick's working at the five and dime and she's put on 50 pounds since she crapped out the three kids, she ain't exactly the belle of the ball. Those two are staying together partly because they love each other and partly because there will be no dating of Brad Pitt.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

You see what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Because no one's offering them a unicorn.

[Adam Carolla]

When you take two good looking people that are essentially rich, you take JLo and Marc Anthony together and you go, all right, we're together because we love each other. But there's always. Again, just stick with me. This crazed culture from a distant planet many, many moons away that would pay in something that we won't even know and communicate in a tongue that we couldn't understand. If they knew they were interested all the time. It makes it easier to break up. That much easier that much easier to walk out on a job or walk out on a relationship. So when Jesse and Kat are together and they both know, I will have no trouble getting a date with whoever I'm interested in. As a matter of fact, sometimes it gets fucked up because they know in advance. Oh, there's this chick, that chick and that chick who is interested in me, but I cannot date them because of. Again, when you pick the heavyset chick with the fanny pack in her mid-50s who's working at the Five and Dime, she knows that this is not awaiting her. That a life of watching TV and crying into a Haagen Dazs tub is what she has awaiting her. But when you put this out there and you're aware of it, it makes it easier.

[Allison Rosen]

So then what everyone should look for is someone who's hot but has really low self esteem.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like me. See, I'm hot, but I don't know it. Thanks for going along, Dustin. Partially why you're hot. What's the gift? And a unicorn. That's a. That's a paycheck. No, Dawson, we're just making this up. Nobody out there. Yeah, okay. I think I followed you a little too closely. Sorry. Yeah, you're too close, dude.

[Allison Rosen]

Olivia Wilde, your favorite.

[Adam Carolla]

I like her.

[Allison Rosen]

Is set to play Linda Lovelace. Ooh, there's a couple Linda Lovelace biopics coming out and she's going to be in one starring with James Franco or Justin Timberlake. They're both up for the part.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

And this follows on news that she is nude in a couple of movies coming out. Cowboys. Or a couple movies that are out. Cowboys and aliens. And the change up.

[Dawson]

Yeah, she's nude in that.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, those aliens.

[Dawson]

Rated R. Must be. Sorry, you wouldn't know that, but those.

[Adam Carolla]

Aliens were some of the folks are interested in. Dawson, by the way, same group, same guys. Lot of range, lot of range.

[Dawson]

Well, they've been looking for a long time for the right guy.

[Adam Carolla]

They got two Linda level place things coming out.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. One lacks financing, though, so I think we're just going to be looking at one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

Ace man steps in.

[Adam Carolla]

I was sitting with Mike lynch today, eating one of our lengthy lunches, and we were talking about the fact that there's never really been a Jimi Hendrix biopic. He was talking about that.

[Allison Rosen]

Why is that?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. But you have Jimi Hendrix, who's been in the ground for 40 years, and then you got Linda Love Lovelace, who's been dead for like a year and a half, and she's going with two biopics. She's a fucking porn star.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Not the greatest rock and roll guitarist ever to live. Jesus Christ.

[Allison Rosen]

Apparently the world is clamoring for a lot of info about Deep Throat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Were you a Lovelace fan?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no. Not. Not my. Not my cup of tea.

[Allison Rosen]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

I never found her to be an attractive woman. Not at.

[Allison Rosen]

Get in the way.

[Adam Carolla]

That would. It gets in the way. Mm. It's what you call a cock blocker. Yeah. Not good.

[Allison Rosen]

You can't just imagine someone else's head on her body. Or the body didn't even do it for you either.

[Adam Carolla]

Just not. I never found her. I don't know. There's a lot of porn stars that are pretty foxy, and she ain't one of them.

[Dawson]

Deep Throat, wildly overrated. I mean, I saw when I was whatever, 18 or 19, thinking, oh, deep Throat's gonna be sweet. Not sweet.

[Allison Rosen]

You have to like politics.

[Adam Carolla]

Just a novelty. The only good thing about Deep Throat is it stars Harry. Harry Reams. And Harry Reams looked exactly like Geraldo Rivera did when geraldo Rivera was 37 years old.

[Allison Rosen]

He does have a could have been porn look.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait till you see Geraldo. Find me a younger Geraldo. And don't show me the gray haired Geraldo. Just wait.

[Dawson]

Al Capone's vault. Geraldo.

[Adam Carolla]

Al Capone's vault.

[Allison Rosen]

Geraldo, like dick duster mustache.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Mm. All right, Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

I'd also like to say I was not aware exactly what Linda Lovelace looked like. And if I were a dude, I don't think I would whack off to her either.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. Now, but.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

But she had a special skill, and that's. That's what did it. Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

Baton twirling.

[Adam Carolla]

She. You know, Let me say this about the Deep Throating thing, ladies. While we're impressed and flattered, it is suggesting you don't have much in the way of a cock. You know what I mean?

[Dawson]

That and yes. And how did you learn to do that? You must have had a lot of practice.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe it was in the bathtub. Sure, with stepdad. The point is this. Once you completely make my penis disappear in your mouth. You understand I have low self esteem. I don't think you have a skill. I think I have no penis. You know what I mean? We all want the more than she can handle thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Doing a lot of sexual calculus in my head right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

So then what should someone be like? Oh, and pretend to gag when they're just barely on it.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be nice. It'd be nice because that is.

[Allison Rosen]

Ladies, we are liberated. That's so freeing.

[Adam Carolla]

No, let me tell you the greatest thing you could do, although it would be very difficult. All right, put the pictures back up.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm game.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't go.

[Allison Rosen]

So we're now looking at Geraldo and Harry Reams and I don't know who's who.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys were looking at it for a beat. That was up for a few beats. It is. Yeah. They even get. There's even. They even get closer than that. So if you ever essentially wanted to see what it was, what Geraldo Rivera would look like getting a blowjob, you just watch Deep Throat. No. You know, once in a while you'll see this in the porn movies. The two hands handed on the honker with still something left over for business. That's what we want. Yeah.

[Dawson]

If you felt in the act, if in the midst of the act you fell back gagging and gasping almost like you were the bad witch reaching for Dorothy's slippers and they repelled you fell back. Too much, Too much. I need a break.

[Adam Carolla]

Too much.

[Dawson]

That's a good move.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good.

[Dawson]

Try that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Come on. Bad witch. Try. Bad witch. Try. Right, Indora.

[Allison Rosen]

So if you have to take a break in the middle to perhaps check your email or just stretch out, that's good.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. You're misunderstanding.

[Allison Rosen]

I am misunderstanding. A report was released by the Pew Research center saying the majority of Muslims in several Middle Eastern countries think the 911 attacks were not carried out by Muslims.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not the Muslims I know.

[Allison Rosen]

75% of Muslims and Egypt don't think it was carried out by Muslims. 73% in Turkey and no more than 28% in any of the countries polled think that it was carried out by Muslims. And the countries polled were Egypt, Turkey, Palestinian territories, Jordan, Lebanon, Israel, Indonesia and Pakistan.

[Adam Carolla]

60% of them really do think there were no Jews in the financial buildings that went down to the ground. Like it is insane the time that we're living in. And here's the thing. Have whatever crazy religious beliefs you want. You'd be Muslim, born again Christian, a Quaker shaker, I don't give a fuck. But please don't argue when I have footage of something. Do you know what I mean? Have whatever fucked up belief you have. Go off to whatever heaven or paradise that you may believe you're going to end up in. I know you're going to end up in the ground. I'm A realist. I have fucking brain cells to rub together. But go ahead with your crazy fantasy, I don't care. But when presented with facts, such buildings going down with Jewish people in them or carbon dating. Please shut the fuck up, would you? You're making yourself sound like an idiot now.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I was just going to say. Which is more offensive, People not believing the facts of 911 or people not believing in evolution?

[Adam Carolla]

I personally am.

[Allison Rosen]

The evolution theory of evolution.

[Adam Carolla]

There's always going to be a small. There's always a group of people that are going to believe in witchcraft. I mean, look, we're living in a society that there's some staggering, alarming number of people that believe that they have fairies, angels, and that they have angels watching over them and that kind of stuff. It's not 4%, it's 40% or something insane. Dawson almost left to work for tribbles and a unicorn. The point is this. If 40% of our society or 25% of our society can believe, believe in fairies, then in angels, then you can believe in born again, whatever. Or you can argue with carbon dating. You're just fucking. You're off your rocker at that point. That's fine. I don't care so much about them. I do care about whoever's planning the next version of 9 11. That's my worry. And there's gonna be trouble as long as these folks are living in denial. Living outside the bubble of truth and reality and facts and information. That it's the facts and the information and the education that keep them from joining the world populace and thriving versus trying to knock down what the rest of the world has created. I mean, all the textbooks that have, you know, that are spun a certain direction, the indoctrination into this rel religion, the fact that they're deprived of the access to the Internet and books that have alternative viewpoints and things like that, that's what keeps this going. That is the fucking smelting pot of the cauldron of this fucking horrible mess that we're in. Yes, open it up. Let the truth, let the light reign in and this stuff will eventually go away or at least be contained.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, I just don't trust all that book learning.

[Adam Carolla]

I never learned anything either. But I didn't fucking argue when people came up with facts. But look, I mean, look at all the conspiracy theorists, you know, look at all the people. I mean, are those guys any nuttier than Ed? What? Who the fuck am I thinking of? Ed Asner, who comes in here and thinks that we brought Down. You know, our SEAL team brought down those buildings. And like I said, tell all those fucking idiots, why the fuck would we bring down the World Trade Centers and take a shot at the Pentagon and take a shot at the White House or some field in Pennsylvania? Like, don't you think one of the Trade Centers be enough to start a war?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, we did it to throw people off the track.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like. It's fucking nuts.

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, that's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. All righty, let's see. Ah, go to my PC. That's right, the iPad version of GoToMyPC. You can replace your office computer, and you can use GoToMyPC, the app. That's right. For the iPad. I said we're going to give away an iPad. Two, I do believe this week, and I think now is about the time we're going to try that. You can try it for free. That's right. Check out the Go to my PC video on our homepage and follow the instructions. I will pick a winner tonight.

[Allison Rosen]

I want to enter.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yes. It's too late, baby. Besides, you're inside.

[Allison Rosen]

Damn it.

[Adam Carolla]

You can download the app from the App Store and then visit GoToMyPC.com, click on the Try free button and enter the promo code. Adam. All right, so winner gets an iPad from Citrix. Yeah, we'll do. What can Adam complain about? Mike has promised he would find. We're going to put up the tweets that people sent you with the hashtag asap. I read a lot of them. Yeah, yeah. And you're going to go through them, and the one that stumps you or comes closest to stumping you gets the iPad, too. All right, well, that's impossible, but comes closest, so be it. You gonna put them up? Shall I stall? What do you want to do? Brain for the intro? Oh, the word was waiting. Oh, okay. The world is full of it, and one man can complain about it all. This is what can't Adam complain about you. To put the sh up there. Oh, right. Prohibition being repealed. Wow, that is tough. Prohibition being repealed is hard to complain about. The fact that we started prohibition, got the mob fucking started in this country, and then they moved on to prostitution and heroin and white slavery and pornography and controlling the garbage barge industry out of New Jersey. That's what pisses me off. So the part where we had seven or eight years of guys drinking bathtub gin, that does not piss me off. The part that we're fucking stupid enough to Start this horrible idea in the first place and then of course, create a mob out of this, which goes on today. And the fact that we can't do the math, that we all recognize the mob. Mob got its roots. It got its filthy, dirty La Cosa Nostra roots buried in our US soil because of prohibition. But yet we cannot do that same modern day math with marijuana or any of the other drugs. Well, we don't have Italian mobsters running around anymore. It's not the Godfather. We have Mexican mobsters cutting people's fucking heads off, putting them in duffel goddamn bags. We can't do the same Prohibition math that we did in the 20s and early 30s and apply to today and Mexico and all the fucking drugs and all the death and all the mayhem and again, all the money going to the guys you don't want to have any of the money, who are just going to buy more automatic rifles and pay off more city officials and cops. Because as they say, my friend, take the silver or take the lead. The Taboo 2 theme song. What? God damn it, Stall, Brian.

[Dawson]

Okay, that's what I do best.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Dawson]

He does focus, ace man, focus.

[Adam Carolla]

He knows how to please in every detail. I can't control my mouth. He can do more than you'd ever imagine. Do it with style. He does it with me. Oh, yes, he does. I can't move my lips. They're gonna remake. But you don't. That's right. You know, when I'm on stage, I put my flavor on that one.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He only give wheels what he wants you to see and then shows it all. And when he does, he satisfies me.

[Allison Rosen]

Amazing phrasing.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't know my kids middle names. If you only knew just what he could do. You'd want him to. If you only do. All right, I'm back.

[Allison Rosen]

My emotions. Third.

[Adam Carolla]

I have no state. I have no idea what just happened over the last three minutes on this program. Brian, were you talking.

[Dawson]

It was pretty good.

[Adam Carolla]

It's blacked out.

[Dawson]

I need to know this. The ship sailed just fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's okay without me. I'll tell you how I can complain. A young fella, nay a patriot, nay, a deity sent in a Muzak version of Taboo 2 and I've not heard it on this show in a goddamn fortnight. You know what I'd love to do? I'm gonna do a. I'm gonna do a local morning show out of Tucson. I'm gonna slum it. It'll be like 65 grand a year. Wake up Tucson, wake up, Tucson. And I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna go, listen, there's no way you'd be able to afford a guy like me. I'm taking. I'm taking five figures and I'm taking the middle of five figures right here. There's no way you'd get anyone else from Hollywood to move out and do this. But I'm doing it because I love the people of Tucson and Quest. My son, who has a sprinkling of autism, created this theme song from whole cloth. And I like it played at the beginning of every show. And they'd never know. There'd not be. There'd be some guy in the room, go, wait a minute. That's the theme from Taboo too. And if he did, he'd be scared to say anything. And I could do that thing, start at the beginning again. I'd start every day. Good morning, Tucson. It is 6:35 to 35 after 6:00, 25 away from the top of the hour. Oh, man. Shelly Nolan is down at the zoo. She's got a SEAL act over there that you're not gonna believe. We got weather and sports. We're going to The Stater Brothers Jetcopter 5 with A. What's your name again? Brian.

[Dawson]

Marty St. Clair.

[Adam Carolla]

Marty St. Clair. And the heirs and state of Brothers Jetcopter 5. Marty, how you doing out there? Slow.

[Dawson]

Go, Ace, man. Slow and go. Mattress and lamp.

[Adam Carolla]

Mattress and lamps.

[Dawson]

Brake lights, brake lights.

[Adam Carolla]

I was up brake lights and this music would just play over the whole thing and everyone would have a boner, but they wouldn't know why. All right, last one. Navy SEALs Team Six killed bin Laden. Try complaining about that. Mmm. I can't believe that these guys aren't allowed to talk about what they did. I mean, this is the equivalent to you fucking the entire cast of Friends and not being able to say a goddamn word about it.

[Dawson]

Guys and girls, Guys and girls.

[Adam Carolla]

Just a bevy of orifices and poopers and rag holes all there for you. Just everything. Mouths, ears, everything.

[Allison Rosen]

Just like at the.

[Adam Carolla]

The monkey. The monkey would be stroking your ball sack as you. Just as you were balls deep in Jennifer Aniston, just you having sex with the entire cast of Friends at the height of the Friends fame, let's say circa 1998, or whenever the hell they were at their Gina. The Rachel hair. You'd have a handful of that hair, just pulling it back. The monkey'd be dry humping her ear while you're going at her for the.

[Allison Rosen]

Back, Gunther from Central Perk would be videoing it.

[Adam Carolla]

No better guy at talking with no sound coming out of his mouth than Gunther. I, you know, obviously look at that as a good booking, by the way. And he would describe that as one of the friends. We should book Gunther. Yes, I'm sure he's been claimed by aids, but the point is this. It'd be like you in 1999, fucking the entire friends of Cass. And I'm talking executive producers, key grips, everyone from craft service on up. And you couldn't say a goddamn word. Cannot tell a human being.

[Allison Rosen]

It's no way to live.

[Adam Carolla]

You'd be hanging around your friends, and one of them would go, man, Man, I think that Courteney Cox. And then go, jesus, man, I'd give a million dollars just to touch one of her boobies. And you go. And you have to spend your entire life doing it. These guys are heroes. They put themselves in harm's way. They shot through a couple human shields to get at this scumbag known as bin Laden. And they can't say a goddamn word about it. I'll tell you, that is a fate worse than bin Laden's. All right, we gotta pick a winner. And, you know, that's not for me to pick. I feel like you guys were here. You need to pick a winner here.

[Dawson]

So we have the bin laden seal.

[Allison Rosen]

Team 6, the prohibition being repealed. Taboo 2 theme.

[Dawson]

The Taboo 2 theme song. His complaint was he doesn't hear it enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is good.

[Dawson]

Which is deft.

[Adam Carolla]

This is deft.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Dawson]

The SEAL Team 6, they can't talk.

[Allison Rosen]

About having sex with a cast of friends.

[Dawson]

Like, he complained more about prohibition than about the repealing of prohibitions. Maybe that one was.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I would. I feel like with Taboo 2, he went into a quote unquote fugue state, wherein he sang the song for a while, which felt to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you shitting me?

[Allison Rosen]

You did. It was really good.

[Adam Carolla]

You were.

[Dawson]

You're on key, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, close on this show.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Word for word.

[Allison Rosen]

All you have to go back and.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen to the lyrics of that song.

[Dawson]

Turns out you do.

[Adam Carolla]

What's it called? Taboo.

[Allison Rosen]

Taboo 2. The taboo theme song. T O O. I don't think so. I think it's the numeral sequel. You even. Adam, you even turned. You kind of like, put a special spin on a word, and then you turn to me and you said, when you do it live, you put your own mark on it. So it's like, this is not the first time you've done it.

[Adam Carolla]

So this is how I know you're lying. All right, well, anyway, let's pick a way.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like it. I feel like Taboo, too, because I feel like that was the most difficult for him to complain about. But I'm open to your.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's go.

[Dawson]

Prohibition.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, all right.

[Adam Carolla]

Prohibition. Sorry.

[Dawson]

Roberto Balena, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Roberto. Roberto. Well, now, wait a minute.

[Allison Rosen]

I think it's Robert Dobalena.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes. Because. Yeah, there's a D in there. Yes. Robert Dobalena. That is his. That is his tag. It's probably Robert Dobbolina. As in Bob Dobbolina. Mmm. I don't know. It's an old, like. Who's that? The Humpty Dance. Wow. So digging deep, weird and white of you, Robert Dabolina. That is D, O, B, A S. All right, you stumped me, Robert. And thus you will be winning your iPad2, thanks to our good friends. Yes. Oh, and one year of GoToMyPC, brought to you by our good friends over at Citrix. Yes. Yes. That was. What can't Adam complain about? Well, here's something I. I feel horrible for the poor guy with Taboo, too, but I really don't remember singing that song. Right, before we bring in Beth, I want to tell you about a new sponsor of ours, Extreme Music. Extreme Music and the History Channel present the epic soundtrack to the emmy award winning WW2 and HD. Oh, my God, do I love this stuff. I watch this stuff. I watch a World War II and color and an HD and it's like all of a sudden, oh, this is it. Powerful. Powerful. Yeah. Until now, Extremes Music's only been available to professionals, but they teamed up with the History Channel and A E to make these tracks available to the general public. Imagine how powerful you'd feel if you're just driving a car or working a vacuum or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Just walking into your friend's house.

[Adam Carolla]

Just walking in your friend's house. Just pumping behind you.

[Dawson]

Roll the window down. Pump it up.

[Adam Carolla]

19 triumphant tracks, including the main title theme, which I'm guessing we're listening to. This one's called Victory Quest.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Good movie.

[Allison Rosen]

This would be a good song to have sex, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What? I'm gonna conquer your private parts. My medium sized army. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And two generals.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Any of the generals. I busted them down to court. Court martial. Busted them down to private. They're peeling potatoes in my. I don't want to say I shut.

[Dawson]

Up drunk to an event.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. And I can't have that that's right. All right. Available digitally on itunes and Amazon. Use the Amazon link on our site. If you want some good music, you want to support a good sponsor that just got on board. Show these guys some love. Hop on our site and use the Amazon link and check them out on itunes. All right, let's get. Let's take a quick break. Let's get Beth Little Ford in here next. Good morning, Tucson. We got Brett sinclair.

[Allison Rosen]

Marty.

[Adam Carolla]

Marty St. Clair in the air. He's got the Stater Brothers Jetcopter 5. He's over. Over the highways and byways too. On Marty.

[Dawson]

Bad news reborn. It could be brake lights and Madison Lanes again.

[Adam Carolla]

Shirley Dunlap's doing weather. Weather. Shirley, how we doing over there?

[Allison Rosen]

There's a heat thing breaking.

[Beth Littleford]

You guys were so believable until I.

[Adam Carolla]

Know has joined us here and I said, watch your fake cactus there. Beth. Beth, little bird, everyone.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a correspondent from the Dolly show from all those years. The Dolly Show Daily Show. I go to bed at 8:30 in the evening, so I don't know what's going on. And I don't appreciate the progressive form of comedy either way. Four years working on the Daily Show.

[Beth Littleford]

I were on Comedy Central at the same time.

[Adam Carolla]

We were.

[Beth Littleford]

Yeah, we were.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's right.

[Beth Littleford]

Comedy Central colleagues.

[Adam Carolla]

You were correspondent. And the Daily show you were doing the Manager Crank Yankers and. Or. And or the Man Show. How was it over the Daily Show?

[Beth Littleford]

It was, you know, it was like, we have a small space in the PBS building. Let's put on a show. Like at first it was just crazy cable access. Poor, ridiculous.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Beth Littleford]

And then it got bigger and bigger and sort of, you know. And I was jacking off pigs. I was doing all kinds of crazy shit. I can cuss here.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is refreshing.

[Beth Littleford]

It's very refreshing. All right, Ball. Brian's like, what?

[Dawson]

For both Kilbourne and.

[Beth Littleford]

Yeah, I was there from the beginning, which is 96.

[Adam Carolla]

So what was Kilbourne's run there? Three years. Two years.

[Beth Littleford]

There's a camera. Let me just work my bangs out there. Oh, God, I just saw myself. Kilbourne was there for two and a half.

[Adam Carolla]

Two and a half.

[Beth Littleford]

He got plucked out off of. He and Oberman were doing Sports center and he got plucked off that. Then he got plucked off the Daily Show.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Beth Littleford]

To replace that old guy who followed lead. What's his name? Yeah, there's Kilby. There's Kilby.

[Dawson]

Tom. Tom Snyder.

[Beth Littleford]

Tom Schneider.

[Adam Carolla]

Right now, was Kilbourne a pompous ass back then or did.

[Beth Littleford]

Well, what do you think?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna go with yes.

[Beth Littleford]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the thing. You know this thing where there are guys and gals in this business where it's like we can always agree if you bring up Henry Winkler's name in front of anyone, they'll go, I like him. Oh, the fucking nice guy.

[Beth Littleford]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They all have a great, nice, sweet story about what a bench Henry Winkler is. And if you bring up. I just brought it up today, I don't know why, but I said, john Ritter, that guy was a great guy. Just a sweetheart of a guy. And everyone will go, oh, yeah, super nice guy. And then if you bring up Jeremy Piven's name, everyone will go, oh, he's a dick. I've also heard that those guys go, well, you know Hollywood, there's always some asshole goes, you know, Hollywood, people talk and they just like to chatter about and it's like, I understand people talk. How did they all get together, right, and decide that Henry Winkler was a good guy, but Jeremy Piven was a prick?

[Beth Littleford]

If you bring up Kilby and people start talking about sexual harassment lawsuits. Yeah, that's, you know, that's hard facts.

[Adam Carolla]

I know he's a douchebag, you know. Well, I know because I did a show like 10 times.

[Beth Littleford]

He grabbed at him by the balls and squeezed.

[Adam Carolla]

I said to him, hey, he played basketball and he plays basketball. And I said, and I said, hey, Craig, you ever want to play some hoops with us? We play a game at my house every other Saturday. It's not a star studded affair, but it's a pretty good game if you want to come check it out. And he said, I play a game with Gary Shanling and Billy Crystal.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's how he was.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was like, okay, but you could come and, you know, hang out, play with us if you like. We don't have. We got. Jimmy's cousin Sal's the biggest celebrity in our game, but it's fun, whatever. And he sort of like. He sort of walked away and he didn't even give me the dignity of, yeah, give me your address. I'll check it out and then not show up.

[Beth Littleford]

That's what that is. It's like a level of social retardation.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Beth Littleford]

It's like a level of arrested development that he didn't even know how to be polite or cool enough to be like, yeah, give me your number. And all, you know, he just was so underdeveloped as a human being. You almost couldn't blame him for it. Brainless frat boy, in a way, who actually was very good at what he did, which is that Ted Baxter, sort of like.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that's part of what makes you good.

[Allison Rosen]

It was an immediate savant sort of.

[Beth Littleford]

Quality to him on the tv.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know. I always want to talk to guys like that. Parents. And I want to say first.

[Beth Littleford]

What happened? Yeah, what happened?

[Adam Carolla]

Hello, Mr. Kilburn. I go to shake sand and I throw him a huge knee to the groin. And I go, that's for society. That's where everyone has had to work with your son. Thank you. That's for every intern that ever got him caught. But what do you do to create this? How does it work?

[Beth Littleford]

How does it happen?

[Adam Carolla]

How do you create a non human in this human world we're living in? It's a non human. There's a lot of people that don't work on a human level.

[Beth Littleford]

And that was. He created a parody out of. He was watching him look at himself. And that's me because I gave him that as a parting gift. Is that hand mirror?

[Adam Carolla]

You gave him a hand mirror? We're looking at a picture of Craig.

[Beth Littleford]

And that's him being a parody of himself. But the fact is, he looked. He had a. He had a plastic hand mirror that he snuck at every break he was in it.

[Allison Rosen]

Every.

[Beth Littleford]

He was a parody of him. He was dead. He was a sitcom character.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. And again, I don't know if this is more damning than the calling him a douchebag, but I don't even know if it's his fault.

[Beth Littleford]

I don't even.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know if he knows any.

[Allison Rosen]

Better or any different him for the.

[Beth Littleford]

Fact that he's just. It's just like. It's just you can't have a relationship with a woman. Like talking to a woman to a dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Beth Littleford]

It's really. It's almost like a kid who just hasn't been taught manners in a weird way.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe it's good because, you know you're getting unstepped on uncut with baby laxative. Mainline truth from him, which is he did not. Now, I would have been thinking, I play with Gary Shandling and Billy Crystal, so I don't want to come slum it in the Valley at your game. But I would go, yeah, give me your address and check it out. And I would never show up. Right?

[Allison Rosen]

You always know where you stand with him.

[Adam Carolla]

You do know where you stand.

[Dawson]

I was only 18 at the time, but I remember him being really really funny on that show.

[Beth Littleford]

I was only 18 at the time.

[Dawson]

I'm sorry. I was nice. I was 18 and 19.

[Adam Carolla]

It was two years.

[Dawson]

His Persona works, right on the show.

[Adam Carolla]

There's stuff for him to do. I mean, outside of the human realm.

[Beth Littleford]

They used to call him prompter monkey, which I thought was an apt description.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the thing. But here's the thing. They're. There is a skill to delivering whatever's on the prompter. And Jon Stewart has it now.

[Beth Littleford]

You know, John has a lot of other gifts too.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sure, yeah. But at the end of the day, and I hate myself for saying that the prompter gets loaded up with good stuff that he put in it and then he goes off the prompter and he does a great job of delivering it. I couldn't do that with the prompter. I'm not wired that way. I would fuck it up. So he has a skill that is its own skill thing. And there's a skill. It's sort of like being a really good salesman where everyone just rolls their eyes, but you get rich off it. And you can be Jon Stewart and be that. A great reader of the prompter and then a great writer of books and writer of material and everything else. Sure, right. And it's amazing that Stuart is able to do both those things off and on the prompter. But anyway, so this once again just cementing my theory that once enough people decide someone's a douchebag, they are douchebag and for a reason. And you're never going to run into someone who goes, I fucking love. I worked with Craig Kilbourne for five years and I fuck guys. Salt of the earth. You'll never find that human paper.

[Beth Littleford]

I would never call him salt of the earth. I have to say there was. He was harmless. He was harmless in a way that you're not harmless when you get more power. And he got more power at cbs and Jon Stewart has a lot. And they all have a lot of power. All those late night guys have a lot of power. And I think actually it's like power corrupts.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it does.

[Beth Littleford]

So there's a way in which when Kilby kind of knew where. Knew what he was and where he stood and that he wasn't doing the writing and he didn't really have the power and he had his job and he had to look good and he had to drive the line. Right. That was. That was essentially harmless. And then it starts becoming harmful when he's grabbing the young gals in the hallway at night, you know, That's a problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Yeah. It's not.

[Beth Littleford]

He didn't grab me.

[Adam Carolla]

So if there's a guy who's a sort of a serial cop. Of feelist.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that title.

[Beth Littleford]

It's damn good.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a lot better.

[Beth Littleford]

Put that in the urban dictionary right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy. Urban dictionary. I got a lot of stuff in the Urban dictionary already.

[Dawson]

You have to get your own section in there soon.

[Adam Carolla]

Copa feelist. I got waffle crapper. I got bahiman.

[Beth Littleford]

Oh, dang. I was kind of joking, but I.

[Adam Carolla]

Guess it's almost sounds freak. I'm. I'm a legend in the urban dictionary.

[Allison Rosen]

In the urban world.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

It's very urban.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm an urban legend in the dictionary.

[Beth Littleford]

Someone is a chronic copa feelist.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You go and you're a young, beautiful woman who's working on the show. And he doesn't try to grab some of that ass. It's a part of you that goes, what the? Very much so rather have a little squeeze of the cheek than that kind of mind.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's.

[Beth Littleford]

It's an interesting question.

[Allison Rosen]

Psychological.

[Beth Littleford]

It's that whole thing of, like, when you reach a certain age and you're like, nobody. Nobody at the construction site is gonna say a word. Nothing. Not a whistle. No, I didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Jimmy tells me feels bad about his father, Bill, never trying to molest him back in Vegas in the day. You know what I mean? Like, what does he chop, Right? We would go out of town with this guy. They would go to.

[Beth Littleford]

Here's the thing about people who are kind of predatory is they tend to be predators to people who are victims.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Beth Littleford]

And then less. Much less power. And the fact is I did.

[Brian Bishop]

I was.

[Allison Rosen]

That sounds like a rationale for not being harassed. I'm sorry.

[Beth Littleford]

Well, it may be, but it actually didn't upset.

[Adam Carolla]

Why.

[Beth Littleford]

It didn't upset me.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Allison Rosen]

It wasn't.

[Beth Littleford]

I was like, yeah. I don't know. I wasn't interested in it. I wasn't a target for. And if he would have, I would have been like, oh, you.

[Allison Rosen]

You're not a good cop of feel.

[Beth Littleford]

I'm not a good cop of feely. I mean. Which is not to say that I wouldn't have been as a really young woman when I was, like, you know, ready to Monica Lewinsky, somebody, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Needy and like, night is young.

[Allison Rosen]

Needy.

[Beth Littleford]

The night is young. And I like the bad boys. But be dangerous.

[Allison Rosen]

Paul.

[Beth Littleford]

Brian's like, yeah, that's.

[Adam Carolla]

What'd you say?

[Beth Littleford]

What?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know if I Like being.

[Beth Littleford]

Called but, you know, good. There, close. You know, I mean, I was talking.

[Adam Carolla]

To one of the boots up to a point. I was Talking to Boots McCoy over there. Professional Copa Felix. Adam Carolla over here. All right, so. All right, so Kilburn's a douchebag. But, but, but he is what he is. Lovable douchebag. I did his show all the time and I felt the same way about him. Like, there he is, he's him. He doesn't even know he's him.

[Beth Littleford]

Yeah, he doesn't even know he's him.

[Allison Rosen]

Does he never say anything funny? Improv wise, though, because I saw a taping of a show and I laughed and I'm wondering if it was scripted.

[Beth Littleford]

It was very.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, he wouldn't, he couldn't.

[Beth Littleford]

Go on the road with his act. Let's just say that. I mean, there were writers, it was written for him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he'd have cards and do three questions or five questions or do whatever. It's like it was all very sort of formatted. But he did a good job of it.

[Beth Littleford]

But he was good at it.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I guess he left because he wanted to leave.

[Beth Littleford]

I don't think so.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so anyway, I mean, to trash talk trash. Go ahead. Beth Littleford is in studio. The movie, by the way. Crazy Stupid Love.

[Beth Littleford]

That's a damn. I will not trash talk that movie, cuz it's so Good.

[Adam Carolla]

Out. Friday, July 29th. Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone. I spoke to the Tonight Show a couple of about a week ago.

[Beth Littleford]

She's fantastic, right?

[Adam Carolla]

She's a sweetheart and super talented. I. I know. And it's so weird. Like you think about these people are so fucking composed at 21 or 22 years of age.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Beth Littleford]

You want a pat on the back? Those parents.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't. It's like I go walk into her dressroom, I have a nice chat with her, she's getting ready to go on and it's like 21, 22. Like you're doing the Tonight show. And by the way, you've been in the game for a lot of years now and you're completely composed and she's talking to me like one adult to another. It's not like it's not weird. Doesn't feel like I'm talking.

[Beth Littleford]

She's lost her soul.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it doesn't feel like I'm talking to someone who's quite a bit younger. Steve Carell. Who?

[Beth Littleford]

Fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

I always hear great things about this guy.

[Beth Littleford]

This is one of the guys that everyone can agree is a good dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Not Craig Kilbourne.

[Beth Littleford]

He's not Craig Kilbourne.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the thing, as I always say, if you do not call certain guys douchebag who are douchebags, then you nullify the guys who aren't douchebags. See, Steve Carell doesn't get to be Steve Carell unless Dane Cook gets to be Dane Cook.

[Beth Littleford]

Is Dane Cook a boost?

[Adam Carolla]

I think so, yes.

[Beth Littleford]

I don't know. I know comics don't respect him. Is that it or is he a booshtag?

[Adam Carolla]

He did crank anchors many years ago. And I walked away out of the session. Here's how you know it's unfettered and true, at least in this reporter's mind. I had no idea who the guy is.

[Beth Littleford]

Weakian of you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I had no idea who the guy was. This is circa. Circa also, when guys come up with stuff that they think is really clever, but it's not that clever, but they fucking ride it into the ground, that's usually a bad sign. But I don't know comedians very well. I don't go to comedy clubs. I'm not really abreast of standups and not living in the world. And I didn't know half the guys who came in and did Crank Yankers with us. And I didn't know who he was. And me. And he was new at that point.

[Allison Rosen]

Brandon.

[Adam Carolla]

He was new. Yeah. And me and a guy said, why should we? No one else knew who he was either. It wasn't like I was my dad or something. I just didn't know who he was. And neither did any, but neither did the world. And when I was done with the session, me and Paul, one of the writers of the show, walked out of the thing and he said, that guy's a douchebag. And I said, he is a douchebag. And then when I went back to la, I said, how was Dane? I said, I think he's a douchebag. And that was just him as a civilian. And then he later went on. And so when I hear stories from other people about him, I go, oh, yeah.

[Beth Littleford]

Did anyone watch Give it up for Greg. Geraldo. Did anyone watch the tribute to Greg on Comedy Central?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I did not. I try not to watch Comedy Central.

[Beth Littleford]

Okay. Because I actually try not to watch.

[Teresa Strasser]

Whatever.

[Beth Littleford]

It's not my channel. It's not my channel. But there. This was a beautiful tribute. And Attell was talking about touring with Dave and Dave and it actually. I thought, oh, maybe because I had that same thought, like, Dane could Pry a douchebag. One of those guys who's like new on the scene, has a few jokes, rides into the ground, is good looking and then becomes all Hollywood.

[Adam Carolla]

That's me.

[Beth Littleford]

Okay, so that's you, you and Dane. But then it seemed from the way Ettel was talking that Dane had gone through something, maybe gotten sober, like, maybe like made his amends to the world, grown up. I don't know, it seemed perhaps like he had redeemed himself.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I can tell you this.

[Beth Littleford]

Is that wishful thinking?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, possibly. And there might be some redemption. But I can tell you that when he did my TV show and I said, dane, if you weren't doing comedy, what do you think you might be doing for a living? Because people go, I always wanted to be an airplane mechanic or pilot or I wanted to be in catering. And he said without a pause, he goes, I don't know what business I'd be in, but I can tell you this, I'd be the funniest motherfucker at the company picnic.

[Beth Littleford]

Oh, no, that's just like a bad line. Bad fucking pick up line.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're not going to tell me what you would be doing, but you will tell me that you'd be the funniest guy.

[Beth Littleford]

What did his motivational speaker tell him.

[Allison Rosen]

To say that in comedy then?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I legitimately was curious to see if he had any interest outside of comedy. And he just told me how funny he would be. He just told me, I may be making styrofoam coolers for a living, but I will be the funniest guy that.

[Beth Littleford]

It's like bad affirmations.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird that you can't just let it go for a second and just go, all right, he's not talking about comedy.

[Beth Littleford]

I'm gonna just give him the benefit of the doubt and say he was new and young. Maybe he's better now.

[Adam Carolla]

You love him. All right. I don't know.

[Beth Littleford]

I actually was.

[Adam Carolla]

And also watch to orgasm. He does not drink and never has. Doesn't like feeling.

[Beth Littleford]

Oh, it's not like he got so bad.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. Strike two, by the way.

[Allison Rosen]

Seems bizarre to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Doesn't like the booze, doesn't want to be out of control. And I don't like the booze, but.

[Beth Littleford]

I like the booze hounds.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I don't like the booze very much, but I used to quite a bit.

[Adam Carolla]

The other, the other thing is also one of these guys that never stopped performing. I'm on stage every night and I perform Every night I was like, okay, boy. It's like one of these guys says his wife's his best friend. Jesus Christ. You think you're impressing me? You just got my fucking doghouse station.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

So the point is, sounds like he.

[Allison Rosen]

Thinks he's talking to chicks all the time. I love that line.

[Beth Littleford]

My wife's my best friend. I love that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, maybe. Either way, usually society and the industry, when they vote on who the douchebags are and who the douchebags aren't, they pretty much get it right. Because if they try to railroad a guy who's not a douchebag into the douchebag currency corral, somebody will step up and go, I worked with that guy. I was on the tour with that guy. I wrote for that guy. He's fucking sweetest guy in the world. He's humble, and I have no idea what you're talking about. So you will cancel out. Yes. You'll have to unzip. I don't know what you guys use to hold that thing closed. Velcro these days, or the Ziploc. Or is it just gravity? The point is this. Someone will have to free him from the douchebag because that vote of good will cancel out the vote of bad. The thing with many of the guys we're talking about, nobody ever steps up and corrects you if it comes up. Yes.

[Dawson]

Tell the Dane Cook hat story.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this is part of the problem, which is we're doing crank anchors, and we would just go lock ourselves in a room off the Strip in Nevada, in Vegas, and sit there for seven hours and do these sessions. And we had everyone from, you know, Eminem roll through there to many of the comedians, you know, David Allen, Greer and guys like that, who I enjoy working with, to, you know, this just Jeff Goldblum and guys like actors who you wouldn't think would be through there. And, you know, I brought in Seth MacFarlane and guys like that, and just the nicest fucking guy. Everyone was the coolest guy on the planet. But every once in a while, you'd run into somebody who likes. And, you know, when they left, everyone would go, that guy's a douche. Right? And Paul walked in, and Paul was wearing. Paul walked in. Well, Paul did two things. First off, at some point, while Paul was lying on the floor, we'd all lie around the floor and write things on a dry erase board and, like, hold them up while they're making the phone call. Like, jokes. And he'd just kind of, like, wave them off and stuff. Like that. But at some point, Paul did what he called a scissor fart. He took his legs and violently threw one across the other one and let a big fart go as he was doing on the floor. Which then made me and Jonathan Kimmel and all the rest of the guys were hanging out laugh hysterically. But not Dane was like, dude. And he was like. And he's like, what? What the fuck, man? Leave the room next time, dude. And everyone's like, what?

[Beth Littleford]

A girl we'd hang out with.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone's laughing, going, what's up? And he's like, dude, why are you farting in here? And he's like, scissor fart, dude. And he's like, what? Hey, man, I don't appreciate that. And then I'm gonna scissor fart right.

[Beth Littleford]

Now for you kids later. I'm not gonna try that. Move out.

[Adam Carolla]

After every phone call, he would hang up and announce that he doesn't know where he gets it. Like, it was so divine intervention, you.

[Beth Littleford]

Know, he's trying way too hard.

[Adam Carolla]

Something was going on.

[Beth Littleford]

Something's going on.

[Adam Carolla]

And I said, sounds very inauthentic. Also, the guy was wearing a. He was wearing a New York Yankees cap. And Paul said to him, yankees, I thought you're a Boston boy, man. What are you wearing the Yankees cap for? He must have known he was from Boston. Boston. And he said, don't worry about it. And he. And he left and he walked out of the room. He didn't make a joke and he didn't give an explanation. Not to worry about it.

[Beth Littleford]

It just all sounds very strange.

[Adam Carolla]

And I remember strange. We just went, wow, that guy's a douche. And that was it. That's all we. That's all we could conclude. And again, only explanation. It wasn't. Had no idea who he was or what he was going to do or what he was going to go on to do or any of that stuff. Like, well, guys douche. But good thing A, he stayed. You know, a lot of guys forget their douche roots. You know, when they break out, right. They become good guys. Yeah, there's a lot of little douches that you came up on back on.

[Allison Rosen]

The water or the vinegar.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. The douche was flowing. Even when he was selling out Madison Square Garden, the douche was still on tap.

[Allison Rosen]

So you could smell it in the air.

[Adam Carolla]

Fresh mashing the air. And God bless him, he's made a big career for himself. And like I said, I think a lot of this stuff, when guys Talk about these guys, it's sour grapes. They don't like the fact that these guys are selling out arenas and they're still playing clubs. I just am douche grandfathered in. That's all. I was driving the douche wagon many years before Madison Garden. Square Garden was. Yeah. Was sold out. Crane long before anyone else was.

[Allison Rosen]

What was Kevin Bacon like? Please don't say anything like he was a douche, because he's not a douche.

[Beth Littleford]

But I only know that he's not a douche from others because we literally, like, were ships passing in the night. I can tell you what Ryan Gosling was like because I had a brief interaction with him. This is just for the ladies, which, I don't know. Do we tell stories for the ladies?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. Yeah.

[Beth Littleford]

Will Lynette listen?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure she will.

[Beth Littleford]

I probably told Lynette this story. Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

It's exciting.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, it is exciting.

[Beth Littleford]

And so he doesn't even.

[Adam Carolla]

Sleepy.

[Beth Littleford]

Yes, Those sleepy eyes. And I just seen him in Lars and the Real Girl. I was like, I think he's mildly retarded, isn't he? I mean, my friends were like, yeah. My friends were like, oh, I'm Mrs. Ryan Gosling. I was like, I don't see it. Well, I can see it now because he was in character for this lady killer. He plays in crazy, stupid love. And really, boys, you yourselves will be unzipping your pants and being like, let me just take it off for you, Ryan.

[Adam Carolla]

Done and done. He was out.

[Beth Littleford]

Done and done.

[Adam Carolla]

Copophiliac.

[Beth Littleford]

I will be to him. He was outside the set as I was being driven up in that little golf cart, and he was leaning back, and it was 100 yards away, and I was like, why are my loins on fire? Why is there tinkering my loins? Who is that man in black? I don't know him. I can't. I don't recognize him. But I'm on fire. And he asked to be introduced to me in his lady killer character way. He's completely in character. Has nothing to do with me. He's Craig Kilbourne. He's not interested. But he was practicing.

[Adam Carolla]

You're bit of all right. You need to know that.

[Beth Littleford]

I'm what?

[Adam Carolla]

You're. You're not chopping liver.

[Beth Littleford]

Oh, you're sweet.

[Adam Carolla]

You're beautiful.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm gonna take that home.

[Beth Littleford]

Bring that to papa. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Sensual woman. She has knees like any other woman. Look how tickled I am. I know it's not tickled.

[Beth Littleford]

I'm pink.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Beth Littleford]

I'M tickled pink.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Beth Littleford]

So anyways, he just. He's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's.

[Allison Rosen]

He's.

[Beth Littleford]

I mean, I think. I think Carell was turned on. I think we were all turned on by him. He is that good an actor. Is that. You know, he can. You think he's retarded when you watch Lars and the Real Girl and you think he's.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know.

[Beth Littleford]

I didn't see Blue Valentine. But you did anyone see it?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I saw the Notebook.

[Beth Littleford]

Okay, so you think.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Beth Littleford]

You think he's the tortured artist in the Notebook?

[Adam Carolla]

I watched a short. The Peachy Folder.

[Beth Littleford]

It's like a porn for women that someone finally told me to watch it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, all the chicks. Oh, you gotta fucking throw the kitty litter down on the sofa. They're gonna ruin it.

[Beth Littleford]

It was a cheesy book. And yet it's kind of porn for the ladies. And then. And this is gonna be porn for the ladies too, but so much more. Can I sell the movie because it's so much more.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead. I've heard great things about it.

[Beth Littleford]

Jim Brooks movies, James Brooks movies, everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

I went. I went. I think I checked it out on Rotten Tomatoes today, and it was like getting a pretty robust score.

[Beth Littleford]

Yeah. And those guys aren't robust about the rom coms.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no. It's very difficult to do a big budget, highly publicized, you know, plenty of names. You recognize rom com and have society.

[Beth Littleford]

Those fuckers on Rotten Tomato be like.

[Adam Carolla]

We'Ll give it A. Yeah, 80% is way the fuck up there in the big budget rom com. I don't even know. Most of them are in the high teens to low 20s. Yeah. Brian, what is the movie that Gosling did with Anthony. Sir Anthony.

[Dawson]

Hopkins?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he did the.

[Dawson]

How long ago?

[Adam Carolla]

About three years ago. No, not Red Dragon. Oh, Jesus Christ. Now we got IMDb. This guy, he's like indie boy, right? No. Fractured. Fractured.

[Beth Littleford]

That was quick.

[Dawson]

Kind of came and went. To be fair, I confused it with the Right.

[Adam Carolla]

It was. It was well received, though. It was a good movie.

[Beth Littleford]

It's got a good, decent rating on IMDb.

[Adam Carolla]

It was.

[Beth Littleford]

Trust those ratings.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a. Well, they were both very good in it. It was really, really. Have you not seen it? It's a good movie. I would put that up there with one of. One of his better, better films. All right, should we do. So anyway, Crazy stupid.

[Beth Littleford]

Love this Friday.

[Adam Carolla]

Good people. No douchebags.

[Beth Littleford]

No, actually, Julie. I mean, no.

[Allison Rosen]

Everyone was.

[Beth Littleford]

Couldn't have been.

[Allison Rosen]

Julianne Moore was a douchebag.

[Beth Littleford]

Deliciously Friendly, sweet gal. And I was like, I've seen your. Here, remember? I've also seen her have a lesbian affair with. Oh, the little blonde I would go get. Yeah, man. Oh, shoot. And then I've seen her be Nancy Donovan on 30. I'm like, I'm a fan of Julien Moore. And I basically got. Who's rangy?

[Adam Carolla]

Julianne Moore.

[Beth Littleford]

Is that good? What's rangy mean?

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of range.

[Beth Littleford]

Oh, she's rangy. She's got a shitload of range.

[Allison Rosen]

She's gamey.

[Adam Carolla]

Mangy's bad enough we're talking about a pubic hair.

[Beth Littleford]

And you know what I'm referring to. You're all too young. But you know, Adam, when she went bottomless in the Robert Altman movie. Come on, people, cuts. She went bottomless.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Beth Littleford]

Curtains match the drapes.

[Allison Rosen]

She.

[Beth Littleford]

You know what? She's a lovely like mom of two. Cool down to earth.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta bloop you Ray that and check it out. Yeah.

[Beth Littleford]

And I was like, oh, I just saw you, Amanda Safer. He said, wait, what?

[Adam Carolla]

What? I guess that's not her.

[Beth Littleford]

Is that her?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, how many other red pew patches are you gonna see in a. Oh, God damn.

[Allison Rosen]

Not Linda Loveways.

[Adam Carolla]

There she is.

[Beth Littleford]

Can the viewers at home.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the viewers at home that are watching this on ustream can. Yeah.

[Beth Littleford]

Cause that's something to see right there.

[Adam Carolla]

That is.

[Allison Rosen]

What is she wearing?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't remember that part.

[Beth Littleford]

Just a bad blouson like 80s top and a bare assed red pubic bush. I mean she's just. It's really nakedness in all its glory.

[Adam Carolla]

I miss that.

[Beth Littleford]

It's not porn nakedness, it's Robert Altman nakedness.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's art. If Altman's doing it, hey, be great to try. Oh, he's dead, isn't he? Yeah. Too bad because you could have walked around with him and have him go just to chicks, hey, drop your pants like at the mall and say what the fuck? All that. That's Robert Altman. And they'd go, oh, it's all right, it's all right. Yeah, yeah. All of a sudden Leonardo DiCaprio is drawing a painting of you on the Love Boat. All right. Do you have rest of the news, Allison?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I do.

[Adam Carolla]

And now the rest of the news with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

In local news, a serial arsonist has been targeting North Hollywood, setting as many as 18 fires to cars, SUVs and motorhomes since Thursday. The fires have been set in a 1 1/2 mile square bordered by Lankershim to The east, Van Owen to the north, Laurel Canyon to the west, and Burbank to the south.

[Adam Carolla]

That's where I live my whole life.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I was thinking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Beth Littleford]

Where I live now.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let me say this about the guys that are, you know. Hey, man, those guys are those big SUV gas guzzlers. Well, what if there's six people in it? Like, what if they have a family? And then you do a thing where. All right, it's a Jeep, whatever. Or it's a Ford whatever. Or Chevy whatever. And it's got, you know, third row. But what if you and your husband and your four kids are in there, or you're taking two other friends to soccer practice or whatever it is? Well, then all of a sudden, you've got five, six, seven people in that car. And maybe the car only gets 19 miles to the gallon, but times six people versus your car that gets 40 miles to a gallon. But you're the only. George Clooney is the only guy driving the Smart Car at the time. So I guess, wait.

[Allison Rosen]

Probably divvy up the carbon footprint. It's pretty small.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'm saying once you take per head in there, times 20 miles a gallon versus 40 miles a gallon with one dude, it's pretty easy to do the math.

[Allison Rosen]

I was thinking, you know how we do things that sound better than they are? Well, things that sound worse than they are to me. Arson and sniper fire, like, those things sound really terrible. Terrible. Not that arson is good, but how.

[Beth Littleford]

Is sniper fire not bad?

[Allison Rosen]

No, I'm saying it like the sound. It sounds so chilling to me. Versus.

[Adam Carolla]

But isn't sniper fire bad? It's. I'm chill.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm not saying these are good things. I'm saying the names sound really scary to me. As opposed to just someone shooting next door?

[Teresa Strasser]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. It's.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think I'm.

[Adam Carolla]

Snipers. When you hear. Yes, Next story. Random shootings aren't as bad as snipers.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you. That's what I was trying to say.

[Adam Carolla]

The arson part. Brian's got to jump in on this.

[Dawson]

I don't know, categorize it. Sounds better than it is. Arson's kind of like a classy way of saying he likes to set shit on fire.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Arson sounds like a great director from the 40s. Arson Wells, I liked.

[Dawson]

You know, I liked Altman's films in the 70s, but arson, really, he was the underground, you know, that's where Altman got inspired.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry if there's an. Never mind. There's a Casey Anthony latex rubber mask for sale on ebay. It was used in a parody video. That's just. There's a number of images. One of them has duct tape on the mouth, which is not true to life. And earlier today. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They fucked their ears up a little bit.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, earlier today it was going for $480. I don't know what the bid is at now, but there are nine of them. A parody video. It was used for art. Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

I hear porn when I hear mask and parody.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God. Okay, so earlier Today it was 400. The bid was at 480. Now it's at 2025. Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Crazy fucks.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd say small kittens to get your kids to do their homework. You know what I mean?

[Beth Littleford]

If the kids aren't watching the news, they don't know the threat.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll DVR all the stuff, watch them watch the trial, and then like, sweetie, put on this black bathrobe in this mask. We got to get the kids rooms cleaned up actually. Like a coat of carnauba wax on the Lexus too, if you don't mind weaving that in.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's what the ebay ad says. Halloween is only a few months away. Forget Freddy Jason Myers. Here's your chance to scare the. And then it has an asterisk pound signed and the crap out of everyone. And win every costume contest with this amazing top mom latex rubber mask. Possibly the most frightening mask on the planet. And I can almost guarantee it's the only Casey mask on the planet. Sculpted to precision for a parody video by enigmatic pop artist sculptor Toro. Only nine of these film props were made for production.

[Adam Carolla]

It also makes a hell of a lawnmower.

[Beth Littleford]

You know, they're on the phone to China right now.

[Allison Rosen]

There will be.

[Beth Littleford]

Yeah, thousands of them. Stores within a few weeks.

[Adam Carolla]

It'll blow ass because you'll be. How would you get your Casey Anthony mask for $3200? How about you?

[Allison Rosen]

1999.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? It a. And it came with a dress and heels. Yeah. Like, yeah, but it needs to be signed by the original artist, Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it has a number. It has that like 6/9 thing, you know? Okay, here's the part of the ad that I find the most troubling, though. No matter what your opinion of the trial is, this is still one heck of a conversation piece. I bet Nancy Grace would love one of these. Fits most head sizes comfortably. Let's never forget poor Kaylee production use. Let's never forget poor Kaylee Just throw it in there. Oh, that.

[Beth Littleford]

Then it's profiting off the death of a child.

[Adam Carolla]

But that would never fit over Nancy Grace's massive head, by the way. There's no possible way. You couldn't get a truck tire over her head, much less a mass. I'd like to try. I'd like to see it. I just like when people. I want one of those shows where I just get to overstate the obvious. And in a voice that's filled with righteous indignation. Like when I just go, call me crazy, but someone comes in and snuffs out the life of a defenseless, poor, innocent child, and I don't want that person to run for hope. And you're looking at me like I'm insane. Well, thank you very much, Nancy Grace.

[Beth Littleford]

Who are you doing now?

[Allison Rosen]

It could be doing Nancy Grace.

[Adam Carolla]

I do pretty killer Nancy Grace.

[Beth Littleford]

You do?

[Adam Carolla]

I went for her last holiday.

[Beth Littleford]

Oh, there she is.

[Adam Carolla]

Got her mask on ebay. It was pretty cheap. It's pretty inexpensive. That's great. Folks thought I was Barbara Walter. She didn't know who I was. I like when nobody knows what you are and then you start getting pissed around the 9th person ask you and.

[Beth Littleford]

You go, hey, stupid, do your.

[Adam Carolla]

Do your voice.

[Beth Littleford]

And they'll get it.

[Adam Carolla]

Now when I come into a room and snuff out the life of my child and then throw her in the back trunk of my Pontiac Solstice, and I want to be hailed as a hero. Well, excuse me. Thank you.

[Beth Littleford]

You're welcome. Very nice.

[Dawson]

I like the first one I started off with. Call me crazy. You got to start off with something like that. I don't know about the rest of you.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know about you all. Yeah, right. But snuffing out the life of an innocent child does not make you MacArthur. Returning to the Philippines. Philippines. All right, we gotta go commercial. I look when they do that kind of stuff, and you're like, but you can never Dr. Phil and her do the same thing. Just overstate the brutally obvious. And a super condescending sing songy tone is like, here's another billion dollars.

[Dawson]

And if you end on a semi. Yeah. Semi confusing Twist like the MacArthur and Philippines, you're the reaction. Like, I want to disagree with you, but I'm not formulating my own pod.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

You know who else is pretty shouty is Jane Velez Mitchell.

[Adam Carolla]

No. What?

[Allison Rosen]

You know she comes on before Nancy Grace.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Oh, she is. I don't trust the three names.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Adam, Lakers, Corolla. Does not trust the three names ever.

[Beth Littleford]

I don't trust that smile. That's.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, she's actually pretty good at controlling. There's always, like, six people in little boxes yelling. It's like the Brady Bunch, but they're more upset. She's pretty good at controlling the crowd, but she does yell all the crowd.

[Beth Littleford]

I heard you tell Dr. Drew to get Leslie. Get some crowd control on his fucking. No, because they get crazy over at CNN and Headline News with, like, we have to have six experts on at the same time overshouting each other.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he's working out, working it out over there because partly because I told him he should, and partly because he knows it's right. All those shows should just be called Clusterfuck with. And then they put the person out there.

[Beth Littleford]

They kind of are clusterfucks.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what it is. It's the same thing of, like, the retarded people I shot my sitcoms with when they would constantly tell you to blast the music. Just blast the music. Just blast the music. And then you'd go, why are we blasting the music? Well, it's their form of apologizing for not having a good show. But they don't recognize when they do have a good show, so they're constantly just blasting or blasting the laugh track or whatever. Blast everything. So CNN does what every bad producer does because they're all bad at their jobs. They're all fucking horrible at what they do. And they go, look, we have a personality here, Dr. Drew. And if we ever let him talk for more than three minutes without eight different. You know, basically the Brady Bunch grid popped up behind him filled with pundits from different countries screaming at the same time. Everyone's going to realize he's a fraud and tune out. Because they're used to covering for frauds. That's what they do. Blast the music, blast the laugh track, fill it with a bunch of fucking pundits. And let's not let people find out that our talent has no talent. Well, and once in a while, there's a guy actually possesses talent and has an opinion, but you'll never get to hear it because we'll keep blasting you with guests and everything else. It's an apologetic way of approaching television. There's a.

[Beth Littleford]

It's a desperate sort of frantic way.

[Adam Carolla]

Desperate. We don't have. It's. Everyone is the emperor with the new clothes. This guy's not really in order. He doesn't. He can't speak. We gotta fix this. We gotta figure out how to do it. And that's what it is. It's a constant apology. Now, once they get into apology mode, then that's the only mode they're in. And they don't have a correction mode. When Dr. Drew comes around and goes, oh, we don't have to do this for that guy. No, no, no. They do what they do. I've always said this about TV producers. They are. What did I say about him? Oh. Oh, no, no. I even forget what I said.

[Beth Littleford]

Relaxing. Because he was.

[Adam Carolla]

Relax. They're beavers. They're beavers. And what a beaver. Do they build dams? And if you took a. What do they call them? A gaggle? A pod?

[Allison Rosen]

A beaver.

[Adam Carolla]

Beavers, Yeah.

[Beth Littleford]

A bevy.

[Adam Carolla]

A bevy of beavers.

[Allison Rosen]

A murder.

[Adam Carolla]

If you took a murder of beavers. If you took a bevy of beaters. Beavers. You took a bevy of beavers. And he put them on top of the Chrysler Building. What would they do?

[Allison Rosen]

Build a dam.

[Adam Carolla]

They look, start looking for wood. We got to build a dam. And someone would go. I'd come in and go, you're 130, 32 stories off the sidewalk. And they'd go, let's look for wood. Let's look. Yeah, let's look for wood. They'd look at me for beat. And then they look back at each other, and they'd go, well, how come you're not looking for wood? And you'd go, you're a million miles in the sky. They don't want to be the one.

[Beth Littleford]

Guy who's caught not looking for wood.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna do what I do.

[Beth Littleford]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'll do it every time.

[Allison Rosen]

The thing is, who actually turns on one of those shows with all that noise coming at them and wants to watch it? Because I start turning the volume down instantly or changing the channel, I can't stand it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's fucking horrible to be a guest on those shows because you can't get a fucking word in sideways. And everything is just one big coming up like that. Everything is.

[Beth Littleford]

Are we joking with that music? Cause that's making me tense.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything is what just happened, what's coming up and then what's around the corner, and then what we can look forward to after the break. And then when we come. And there's back cell, and there's always. All right, Beth, the little Vert is here. Al's and Rosen is here. Ball. Bryan is here. All right. Oh, you guys, hold it. Hold it for a second. Okay, Beth, I know you had something to say before we go to break. Just hold that thought. Hold that thought for one second. Hold it. Okay. Because we have a correspondent who's in London, England right now who's. Well, she knows something about monogamy. She wrote a book called My Monogamous Friend. It's out of. Shelly, what do you have over there? Beth, hold on. I know you had a thought. Okay, hold on. We need to. A break. Shelly, hold it for a second. Allison, hold that dot. Abeth, I know you had something you want to say before the last break. Hold that dot. We'll get to you. We'll get to you right after this. And then they come back and they've introduced a fifth person to the mix. I know you had a thought.

[Beth Littleford]

Yeah, I did.

[Adam Carolla]

From.

[Beth Littleford]

But I've forgotten it now.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. It was from the fall of 87. But hold on to that thought because we have another expert who's joined our panel, this time joining us via smoke sign signal from the Congo. It's like, stop it. Get a fucking interesting person in and talk to them and let Drew do what he does. Yes. They never. They can't. They can't help themselves. It's essentially them saying, we're sorry our host isn't very good and we're sorry our bookings aren't that good.

[Beth Littleford]

But it does start to train the eye in a way, and train sort of the brain to expect.

[Allison Rosen]

Train other TV producers and train other.

[Beth Littleford]

TV producers, but also train the viewing audience to expect that level of sort of madness and franticness. So that I guess when it does slow down, you go, oh, is okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Honestly, I think that's why people like podcasts. That's why podcasts are so popular right now, is because it's a chance to.

[Beth Littleford]

Actually hear something like relaxing.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold that thought. We got to do a quick plug for Amazon. Amazon.com if you want to support this show. Beth, hold on. Just hold that thought for a second. Allison style video sip. If you want to help this show, if you want to support this show, you can go to AdamCarolla.com and punch through on the AM. If you're going to purchase something on Amazon, we ask you, nay, we beg. Beth, hold the thought. Just read for a second. Just what was your thought, by the way?

[Beth Littleford]

I was.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, hold that for a second. If you want to support this show and you're a fan of this show, well, then you can support. Now, by the way, I don't think it's a great idea to take your child and drown them in the Amazon River. That's me. But again, call me Napoleon. I'm that kind of crazy. If you want to support this show, you go to AdamCarolla.com, you click on the Amazon link the next time you're going to purchase something on Amazon. Beth, what was that thought? I'm sorry, I forgot my damn channel. Fourth birthday party. By the way, you gotta check out this mydamnchannel.com my buddy Rob. Seriously, Beth, hold the thought. I can hear you. I can hear you. I can hear you trying not to hold it. You're not doing a good job emotionally of holding that thought.

[Brian Bishop]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, now you guys have your own channel. That's right. MyDamnChannel.com AdamCarolla Love these guys. Like I said, Rob hired me and actually, I should have seen it coming. There's a great lyric and a John Hyatt song where they say, great song called just like your dad did. And he said, so you go to go to work.

[Beth Littleford]

I slowed down for just a second.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold that thought, Beth.

[Beth Littleford]

Oh, he paused for a Microsoft.

[Adam Carolla]

Just hold it. Yeah, hold it, he says. So you go to work to pick up the perks. You go to work just to see some guy pick up the perks you were in line to get. And the guy who hired you just got fired and your job's expired. They just ain't told you yet. And I should have thought that when they shit canned my buddy Rob, who hired me. Because anytime they fire the guy who hired you, that's never a good sign. But cosmically a great sign because he went on to form my damn channel.

[Dawson]

I will say they had a video that went up today. They have a video series by a guy named Mark Malkoff. He goes into an Apple store and under the premise, I've heard these Apple stores of the nicest people in the world will let you anything. And he does a series of absurd things. It's hilarious. You got to see it went viral today. It's all over, like CNN and msnbc.

[Adam Carolla]

You can also check out Waney Days Live. That's right. Wayne Days is. Well, it has David Wayne, right? Has Paul Rudd in it, Elizabeth Banks, Jonah Hill. And you can see it live Saturday, July 30, in. What the hell is this? Oh, it's just for laughs. The festival in Montreal. Beth, you going to be there? Stifle that doc. Stifle, stifle. Seriously, are you going to be there? Beth? No, Beth, don't talk, please. Just shake your head now, quietly. We won't have to see you. And if the camera sees you shaking your Head just freeze like a statue. Saturday July 30 and David Wayne of course going to be the Rob Cordry Jeff Ross. Imagine making fun of Garfunkel and Oates. Evidently. Hilarious. And it's nothing to do with Carfunkle and all those Reggie Watts and more.

[Dawson]

They're hilarious.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah. See? Oh yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You were in a fugues day.

[Adam Carolla]

I was in a fugue state. Tickets at my damn channel.com waneydays all right, Beth Littleford everyone. Sorry, sorry. Hold that thought, baby. Crazy. Stupid. Love a robust 80% over there. And again, when's the last time a big budget? I'm asking you now on Rotten Tomatoes. Please stiffly yourself. Even when I say it's okay to talk, that's me being nice. But we're going to commercial, you understand? No, no, I'm leaning back.

[Beth Littleford]

Rotten Tomatoes. I believe I'm just speculating. Has never given an 80% thumbs up to a romantic comedy. Never in the history of Rotten Tomatoes.

[Adam Carolla]

Big. Well not. I know not.

[Beth Littleford]

I willing to lay down some money.

[Adam Carolla]

Not a big budget. You can find some Woody Allen something.

[Beth Littleford]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't. I'm not. I'm.

[Beth Littleford]

I'm talking out of my ass. But it's a great movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Not with Steve Carell.

[Beth Littleford]

You know what? I think your listeners might like that MTV show that I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, we should talk about that.

[Allison Rosen]

Well endowed teenagers and I.

[Beth Littleford]

But that's just like such a freaking like you know, who cares? I know you guys do care about the size of your penis because I heard you talking about it. So I guess guys do care about penis sizes. Women don't care at all. So I feel like it was a marketing ploy. It's actually a very touching, funny, raunchy, crazy sitcom.

[Adam Carolla]

MTV's first sitcom. The Hard Times of RJ Berger and.

[Beth Littleford]

I play the over sexed mom.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that about you.

[Beth Littleford]

It's pretty, pretty crazy fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Where can we find that stupid fun? I mean besides mtv?

[Beth Littleford]

You can get it on your itunes or you can get a DVD, go to MTV.com and see and then there's reruns.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, stifle that. Okay, Beth Littleford.com is where you go to find out more about her. You can twitter her at Beth Littleford. All right, tweeter. So until next time, Santa Crolla for bold Brian Allison Rosen and Beth Littlevart saying mahalo.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh no.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. This is Adam Krill show 620 with Beth Littleford. For our final clip today we have a one on one Adam Krill show 634 Adam and Teresa Strasser from 2011. Check it out. Oh, oh. O'Reilly Auto Parts. O'Reilly Auto Parts is in the business of keeping your car on the road. They offer friendly, helpful service and parts and knowledge that you're going to need to maintain and do the repairs yourself. I've always used O'Reilly. I've used to hit the one up on Foothill when I was in La Crescento renting a house, keeping that Isuzu Trooper on the road. And they got thousands of parts and accessories in stock either in their store or online. So you have. Well, you don't have to worry. If you're in a jam, you can go online and get your stuff. You can go into a store and get your stuff. The team at O'Reilly Auto Parts can test your battery for free in or out of your car, which is nice. Cause sometimes it's tough to get those babies out of the car. You need your windshield wipers replaced, brake light fixed or a quick service. Well, they'll help you find the right part or point you to the nearest local repair shop and as well and get help there. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you're going to find the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are knowledgeable, helpful, and best of all, they're friendly. The professional parts people at O'Reilly O'Reilly Auto Parts, one stop shop for everything, especially if you're a do it yourself or for your car in store online. You can stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts and do it today or Visit us online. O'REILLY O'reilly auto.com Adam that's O'Reilly auto.com Adam yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate. Get it on. And welcome back. We are going to do a special one on one show today with the great Teresa Strasser, mother, author, philanthropy pissed.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't do that much. I don't do anything. It sounded good, though.

[Adam Carolla]

It did sound good.

[Teresa Strasser]

And I understand that I'm following the Insane Clown Posse and I feel like that's fitting. We're very similar. I saw Lynette yesterday and she said, oh, you're gonna do a one on one. Adam just sat down with those Insane Clown Posse guys and he really got in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it will have been a couple of weeks now, but yeah, you know, it's flattering when people say I hate those guys or I didn't think I was gonna like those guys. But I found it fascinating or interesting and I thought, there is something in everybody.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's a lot of pressure on you to make me likable. Let's go.

[Adam Carolla]

I need a team of surgeons to pull that shit off.

[Teresa Strasser]

No therapists.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate when they show a picture of me and I'm wearing the exact same shirt, hat, undershirt and glasses that I'm wearing now. Yeah, scary. But they wear the same clown makeup everywhere. No. You know, whenever somebody says, you know, everyone is special, everyone has a gift. You all have a gift. And you have a gift to share and a special talent. I always go, that's bullshit. I know plenty of average and especially below average people that have nothing to share with the world. And if they died tomorrow, it would either be a better place or no one would give.

[Teresa Strasser]

I feel like that a lot of days. I just think, you know what? It's net neutral if I go.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not talking about you. You have a gift. And I will get into that in a second. But I'd never sign off on that. Everybody has a gift. It's that. It's one of those bullshit cliche, spokesmodel y things to say. But I do feel like everyone has a story. And no matter how boring you are or how empty your gift basket is, whatever.

[Teresa Strasser]

I got half a bran muffin, somebody took the biscotti and you're stuck with a jar of jam.

[Adam Carolla]

You got no swag. All you got is a gift certificate for Lasik surgery. But you have 2020 vision.

[Teresa Strasser]

Here's a gift certificate to a spa in Palm Springs you can only use in July.

[Adam Carolla]

Non transferable, non transferable. So even if you have no gifts, there's a story. I agree, and I really dig everyone's story. And you and I were talking off the air. That's why we like documentaries so much. It doesn't really matter what the subject is. It just follow somebody around, get their story. They could be heading up a Fortune 500 company or home homeless. There's a story there. I want to hear it.

[Teresa Strasser]

I watched a documentary about a week ago about a guy. Okay, how boring does this sound? And it was riveting. Who goes on a juice fast for two months? That's the whole story. He's an overweight guy. It's called. I think it's called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. He's an Australian guy. He's got some kind of an autoimmune disease. It's nothing serious, but he has skin lesions.

[Adam Carolla]

So he's not going to expose himself to Jews for how long?

[Teresa Strasser]

He goes two months without Jews.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. He has to avoid New York City.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. He has to avoid Tel Aviv and obviously Hollywood. Hollywood, oh my God.

[Teresa Strasser]

And many places in the valley.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw Hebrew Heights. I saw a clip of it where there was a moment where he had to go in and price an engagement ring.

[Teresa Strasser]

How did he do it?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you got to step on it, but it's pretty riveting stuff.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, I like the scene where he. He needs a CAT scan.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Teresa Strasser]

And he's got to find a hospital where there's no Jews.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Gotta go. Eastern Indian. So it's called Juice. It goes on a juice fast.

[Teresa Strasser]

Juice Fast. Yeah. He eats nothing but vegetables and he goes through all these radical, extraordinary changes. And there's one of these. Every great documentary has an unexpected moment that the documentarian could never have planned. That kind of blows your mind. And this hat that. But I've recommended it to 10 people and they all love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

Couldn't sound more boring.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but that's the point. Sometimes when you do the movie and it's Predator versus Alien and planets are colliding and Transformers are coming out of the Earth and you get 20 minutes into the CGI fuck fest and you're like, let's go home.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right? Because I think what you're looking for in a documentary or in a, or in a memoir, say, is how am I like this person? Because if I'm like this person in any way, then I'm not alone.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let's talk about. Speaking of that. Your book. By talking about my book for 20 minutes first.

[Teresa Strasser]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm working on my second book. And the second book is just a bunch of stories. My editor said, you know, this time instead of, you know, telling people how to order a pizza and what's wrong with iced tea in Los Angeles and blah, blah, blah, and all your riffs and rants, let's just tell the stories. You have all those great stories. Tell the stories. And I remember thinking, because you and I were raised in the same sort of low self esteem non environment, like, well, who wants to hear my stories? Like, I should be earning my money by telling jokes and coming up with snappy things like behemoth and things like that. I mean, that's worth buying.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's what they pay me for.

[Adam Carolla]

They pay me for stories. Those are.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't want to hear about Ray peeing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, those are things that Donnie told me to shut up about when we were driving in our car for the last 20 years. So she said, I Just want stories. And I said, okay, we'll just do a series of stories. And I, the other day sent her a chapter that was, well, here's a Tijuana chapter. And here's my first Mike. Mike lynch had a great idea. He said, instead of taking all these stories and just sort of randomly putting them together or doing them chronologically, why don't we use the house or apartment or place you were living in at the time as the chapter?

[Teresa Strasser]

It's a convention to tell the stories.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, here's all the that happened when me and Donnie were living in our first apartment. And here's all the that happened when I was living in my dad's garage. And we'll just go all the way through to the castle on the hill.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right? Cuz you're futon to castle, you know, it's a journey.

[Adam Carolla]

Futon to California king.

[Teresa Strasser]

Thank you. That worked better.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's why they pay you. That's like a. Behind me.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why I pay me the big.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's why you pay.

[Beth Littleford]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

And I thought, oh, this is great. And so I sent her off the first three chapters the other day and I remember sending them off thinking, thinking I'm fully expecting an email that comes back from her because she does not pull many punches saying eh, or that's your best, because they're just true stories, you know. And I took like a weird. Why would this be interesting to her? My stories of when I was 22, growing up in the San Fernando Valley. She's a chick, she's blonde, she's 31, she grew up in Manhattan or somewhere. Like what she care about me and Donnie and our limousine, you know, from, you know, the 60s, growing up in the 80s, you know, in our first. And she's like, I loved it, I loved it. And I was like, I was relieved. But I was also like, I couldn't figure it out. And then I realized I think people like truth and they like simplicity.

[Teresa Strasser]

I agree. And I think there's also something, you know, just having a two year old. I read him stories every night. And all little kids want to be told a story.

[Adam Carolla]

My kids last night at the dinner table, which used to be a TV table, now it's turned into a dinner table. Wanted me to tell them the story again about how I entered the pie eating contest in high school and how I was so desperate for food that I didn't have pie or food at home and how I faked eating the pie and didn't eat the pie while everyone else Buried their face in a pie and then took the pie home in my own hands out of the pie tin. By the way, Mrs. Tawney made sure of that and took it home in my own hands and ate it with a jug of milk when I got home.

[Teresa Strasser]

There are certain stories that your kids will want to hear over and over and over again. And I think your fans, there was a collection of stories that they, I remember they would call when we were on KLSX and request a story like as if we were a music station and they wanted to hear, you know, like Dirty Laundry or one of your favorites.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Teresa Strasser]

They would say they would love me some Dirty Laundry record, Request a pie story or Donnie. So I think the year this will be another bestseller.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, thank you. And speaking of bestsellers, although it was not a bestseller, but I just checked the other day on Amazon, still a five star rating. Exploiting my baby. And Teresa and I were talking last time I did her show with Peter Tilton, by the way, Monday through Friday, 5:00am, although you can't find her there at 5. She's smart. 6:00am for her. So that's when you tune in. 790 out here, AM KBC and find it on the Internet. I'm sure if you're listening in parts other than Los Angeles. Very good morning show. Love her. Love Peter Tilton. Can't go wrong with that. I went in there and we were talking about that thing where you always think there's going to be a little magic. Like somehow you've got the next Big Fat Greek Wedding and you're going to come out with this book and people are going to dig this book and it's going to catch fire, man. And someone's going to read it. And then at some point, Rita Wilson's going to get hold of it and go like, hey, man. And she's going to bring it up on Oprah, right?

[Teresa Strasser]

Because all it takes is that one spark you need.

[Adam Carolla]

You have that tinder box, that dry tinder box, and you just need that little spark to set it off. And then you write the book and somebody reads it and goes, this is awesome, man. I mean, this is great. And you go, please, where's that spark? And 1800 units later, no spark. And it's like five stars on Amazon.

[Teresa Strasser]

And the reviews were excellent.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, for a book to get five stars on Amazon is unprecedented. I don't care how much you like seeing they don't have beer in hell or stupid shit my dad says, or Chelsea Handler this or that. None of that shit's coming in at five stars. And they're pretty, they're like, they're, they're, they're, I would call them, they're, they're fair, you know, they're tough, but they're fair. Like over there, they'll give you their reviews, though they're not all going to be great. My book's four and a half stars and I'm perfectly happy with that. But five stars means that is a great goddamn piece of literary. And yet nobody went well.

[Teresa Strasser]

When the reviews came out and I, you know, in the LA Weekly and on npr, I thought, yeah, well, of course, you know, this is peop. The people who read it, they really love it. So naturally this is going to be a best seller. And in my mind there's really, there's only two. There's bestseller and then there's total failure. That's how my mind works. So when I realized that although it had gotten all these great reviews and people who read really seemed to love it, I realized it wasn't going to be a best seller. I made the very mature decision never writing another book should probably never write another word again. I'm a failure. This is devastating. I worked so hard on this and I know that it's good because people respond to it. And it kind of took me a while to realize, you know what I mean? I knew when I got bummed from the Today show that, wow, that's going to be a blow to my little tiny PR campaign. And it was. However it was optioned, that's the part that's interesting. That part is that, that. So like I said, the people who read it, they respond to it. But you know, I would like to say, but Theresa Strauss are best bestseller.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I can say best selling author. Adam Caroll, a best selling author.

[Teresa Strasser]

Feels good, doesn't it? I wouldn't know. What does that feel like?

[Adam Carolla]

Meh. No option though. See, I never got out option. Yeah, I'd rather give up the title and get the option.

[Teresa Strasser]

But you know what that means? A lot more free work. Cuz now I'm writing a treatment so that it can be pitched around.

[Adam Carolla]

Now how does it get optioned and then optioned for what? A television show, A feature.

[Teresa Strasser]

A television show. Sony probably options a ton of things because they don't pay you very much. They, they go, you know, here's $5,000. That's how much they paid me. Which isn't nothing. But that wouldn't be like Adam Carolla type option money.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, let me check that's nothing. I count that as nothing.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's close to nothing. So they. Because they. If they option 100 things and one of them turns out to be a series, sure. Right. So they option a ton of stuff. So that in itself sounds impressive and isn't. However, one of the sort of big producers with whom they also have a deal has responded to the book. So then the two of us, right, go pitch it as a tree. And again, no one cared about this six months ago. But now Modern Family and Parenthood are hits and people want a mom type show.

[Adam Carolla]

And I also feel like they're taking books and literature and the Chelsea Handler thing and all that, and they're sort of finding women and books and bringing them to the small screen, which didn't seem to be happening as much at least 10 years ago.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, there's the Bridesmaids. The phenomenon of Bridesmaids being a hit and the idea that, you know, women might enjoy a comedy that is sort of about there. And it was interesting because at first they thought, well, we'll just have one of our writers that we have a deal with write this. But we just, we need someone who's a mom. And there was nobody. There was a nobody. So they just said, can you do it?

[Adam Carolla]

Did they? Did they? Well, so here's the point. There's a lot of things that are good here that I know your self esteem probably prevents you from enjoying, but being an author is a good thing.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's good.

[Adam Carolla]

Getting an advance on a book, as marginal as it may have been, if.

[Teresa Strasser]

I told you how much it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Insulting, probably cry and being optioned, even if it's for five grand, still all good things.

[Teresa Strasser]

I feel like that. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And very positive things. And now is the book in the black, as they say?

[Teresa Strasser]

That's a good question. Have I earned out my advance? I believe I have.

[Adam Carolla]

You believe you have, yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

But when your advance is very low, see, it's not that difficult.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So now they will give you. Well, it's funny, actually. I'm going to. I'm actually going to see Sarah Silverman tomorrow. So we'll laugh about whatever your advance was versus whatever hers was.

[Teresa Strasser]

I think hers was. I think actually it's funny because you could probably just add some zeros. Did she get 3 million? Between 2 and 3 million?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she got. I think it was closer to. To I. As I rec. I. I don't know. I'm not. It sounds like it was a good seven figure.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

You could. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Put a few zeros in the back there and get you.

[Teresa Strasser]

But they. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know why people are shy or talk about talking about. People who are shy about talking about what they make is. Are probably people who make a lot and they're embarrassed and don't want you to resent them. I don't have that problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh.

[Teresa Strasser]

I was paid 30,000.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I got.

[Teresa Strasser]

It cost me that probably in child care to go to the library in my slippers like a homeless and write the book, certainly. So it was a break even. But then I figured, yes. But once I've written it, then, you know, it's like you said, I'm gonna have the Rita Wilson moment. And. But, you know, I guess I'm kind of having those moments because as people read it, it's just. It's hard to. That's what they call a crowded shelf. The pregnancy. There are a lot of books in that genre. None of them are like mine. Mine is filled with. Mine uses the word fisting, for example, which is probably not in any of the other pregnancy books.

[Adam Carolla]

Two, by the way. No. 2.5 million is what they say online at.

[Teresa Strasser]

Whatever is what she got. Her book was good. I interviewed her in front of a live audience at the University of Judaism. I know, I know. That is no way to avoid juice.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm surprised. It was the Jewiest thing I know. Like, you weren't crushed by giant yam. Yarmulke like that just fell from the sky. Do you want to. The University of Judaism with Sarah Silverman. Like, yarmulke falls just crushed. What happened? Don't ask questions. One of the tent poles gave way and the giant yarmulke that was protecting them all from the sun just crushed him. But it's the way they would have wanted.

[Teresa Strasser]

It was a giant gold high.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

That was over top.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

When you make that sound, it adds.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. When those things break loose from their moorings, by the way, those. That's a weapon. I mean that. That's as close to a Chinese throwing stars that Jews have. Especially. Especially the big drilled out ones. That's classy. The big high. That's.

[Teresa Strasser]

I either attack you with that or my menorah. Ooh, that shofar.

[Adam Carolla]

You get a menorah. All you need is a mop handle, some duct tape, and a menorah, and you got a pitchfork the likes of which Neptune would be.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, Adam, as you know, one of them is going to. Well, eight of them will recede and one of them will stick out. And that is the shamash with which you light the other candles. And that's one that's going to get you right in the heart.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Elijah's going to be glad he wasn't there for that one.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, my. Yeah, it was the Jewiest. I remember thinking this. It doesn't get much Jewier than me. At the University of Judaism interviewing Sarah Silverman about her book about being a Jew.

[Adam Carolla]

In the interest of. Of full disclosure, I got 350,000 bucks for my book and I got 550,000 bucks for the second book. But I gave Mike Lynch 50 grand because he's doing all the writing, he's.

[Teresa Strasser]

Doing all the collecting. That is nice. That must be good. That's my feeling.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. For me. Because then I just look. I don't look at you. I look at Sarah Silver.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right, Exactly. You're always looking. I know. I keep reminding myself. I know. But you have to think about the people that have had a manuscript under their bed for years. And their dream was just, you know. I have a book that was published by Penguin. I did it. It was a dismal failure. But I didn't know I did it. It was well received and. But I really. There was about a month where I felt. I was pretty devastated.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'll tell you honestly, if you made, you know, if they made their money back on you.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, it's unusual.

[Adam Carolla]

That is rare. I don't know what this. I don't know what the batting average for your average book is, but for everyone that works out, there's at least 10 that don't. And that's true. At least 10. So whatever, whether it's 350 grand or 25 grand, either way, they make their money back. You are a success in their eyes. Not a big success. You're just. You're a success.

[Teresa Strasser]

I didn't cost them money.

[Adam Carolla]

You came out on the positive side of the ledger. And thus. Plus, if the conversation of Teresa Strasser in a second book comes up, you don't fall under the heading of disappointment. You're in a book.

[Teresa Strasser]

This has already come up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And what do you think?

[Teresa Strasser]

No, fuck that. Fuck that. You fucking broke my heart.

[Adam Carolla]

And also, you want me to give you a Lynch. He'll write it for you.

[Teresa Strasser]

The writing it, you have to give.

[Adam Carolla]

More than your advance. Fuck.

[Teresa Strasser]

Writing it is the thing I know how to do. Selling it is the part where I trouble because I had this publicist. I call her. I can't even say her last name. Well, let's just say her first Name is Jen. And I call her out of office because every time I would send her an email, I would get the. Out of office, right? It was coming out January 4th. She was on vacation. And they give you a publicist at Penguin for two weeks and. Or three weeks and two of those. It was the end of December, so she was gone. And it'd be like, well, the Today show canceled you for Billy Baldwin, you know, whatever, three days before. But I. And I'd write back going, well, can we get out of office? Out of office, out of office. And then, you know, so now I blog for the Today show site, which sort of helps, but it's not the same.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta say this about the publishing industry. There's. And I've always said this, and you know from doing the radio show. And for those of you who don't, Teresa sat next to me for what felt like a decade, but it was.

[Teresa Strasser]

Four or five years, about a year.

[Adam Carolla]

Couple years or. But point is this. There are certain jobs that attract certain types, and the publishing industry attracts a type, and it doesn't attract a type that says, hey, I want to roll up my sleeves and get to work. It's more like, hey, man, I like books. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And I can't really be a writer myself, and I'd like to live in New York City.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's cool. And by the way, it's sort of like, I want to say I'm a documentary filmmaker. I want to say I'm a director, but I don't really feel like doing whatever's involved with doing it. And thus. And you get that a lot of the time with publicists, because the publicist will say, I want to go to the gifting suite. I want to go this, and I want to do that. You get it with wardrobe chicks, because the part that they do really well is the fun part of their job. You see, every job has a fun part. And unfortunately, I don't care if your fucking job is ice cream taster. And while you're sampling fragrances and having oral performed on you, at a certain point, there's a job part of your job.

[Teresa Strasser]

You're going to have to do invoicing, even for the ice cream that you're tasting. But by the way, when did getting a blow job become part of the ice cream tasting?

[Adam Carolla]

I married the two because I took my two loves.

[Teresa Strasser]

You married them so you would be a taste. Eating ice cream while receiving oral and even doing that job, which you've created.

[Adam Carolla]

On hot days, I have a helmet that also Works as a drip tray.

[Teresa Strasser]

For the ice cream.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to mess up the weave.

[Teresa Strasser]

I see what I'm saying of the girl. Yeah, I like that you assume she. It has a weave.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the way I roll.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's nice to look at.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is this. There's a part of the job that's work. And you'll realize that the publicists get really good around award season and gifting suites and shopping. And you'll find that the wardrobe person, really good at going to Barneys of New York and picking out outfits.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's the fun part.

[Adam Carolla]

Not so good at making sure your shit is pressed or hemmed or even that the T are taken off of the shirt. You know, they'll hand you a shirt to wear that they got from Barney's, and you'll be looking at it, and it'll be fucking covered in, like, tags. And so, you know a jacket that has things sewn onto it, and you're like, I need scissors now to get this. And they're like, oh, yeah, unfun.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm gonna phone in that part. And when you're working at Ben and Jizzy's or wherever your place is where you're getting your ice cream and blowjob, at a certain point, chunky, spunky, you will have to wash the spoons, and.

[Adam Carolla]

You'Ll have to fill out the paperwork and do the bullshit part.

[Teresa Strasser]

You're probably gonna have to fire one of the people blowing you one day because they show up late. That's not fun, Cammie. Cammie.

[Adam Carolla]

One day. I know. I didn't say let you blow. Hold on, sweetie. Get back up. Go. I said let you go. I have to let you. Yeah. Now, I'm gonna need you to get that box with the fake wood grain on it and the hand handles cut into the side.

[Teresa Strasser]

Security's gonna walk you out with. I'm gonna have to take your spoon.

[Adam Carolla]

Security's a shirtless black dude, by the way. I'm gonna need you to go ahead.

[Teresa Strasser]

I like the chunk and spunk. I mean, this is like a Make a Wish foundation thing, like, for adults who are dying. Why shouldn't you get the opportunity to receive oral while tasting ice cream?

[Adam Carolla]

And also, kids, especially when you're nine. Do you really know what you're missing? You know what I mean?

[Teresa Strasser]

Is that inappropriate to go. I know you think you want to pony, but you trust me.

[Adam Carolla]

Trust me, you're gonna want to hit the grave with this.

[Teresa Strasser]

A boney? Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You want to go into eternity you don't even know.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes, right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so there's the stuff they want to do. So I found that when people are attracted to certain professions, it's not so much that they love the roll up the sleeves and get to work part of it. They like the idea of working with authors, working with books, meeting with authority authors and all that kind of stuff. And I would find a lot, like when I would call my publisher out who was on the east coast, there'd be a lot of like, I'm not going to be in the office on Friday. Emails sent behind, Like, I was like, what? Why are you never in the office on Fridays?

[Teresa Strasser]

Out of office, out of office.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of afternoon on Friday. I'm in a Hampton there a lot of, oh, that person from that department. And I, my editor's great and I love her. We've had a fun back and forth relationship. But I noticed that the schedule of not only her, but just almost everyone else in that office. And I'm sure if she were here right now, she would say, I take a stack of manuscripts.

[Teresa Strasser]

Right. I'm in the Hamptons reading your chapters, which I then tell you I love.

[Adam Carolla]

But I did find a lot of I will not be there afternoon on Friday. And I would always do a thing. And not only that, whoever from the whatever department is also not going to be around on Friday.

[Teresa Strasser]

And all of Penguin or who's your company? Crown, whatever, it empties out. Forget Fridays, Crown December.

[Adam Carolla]

Random House.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, forget December, January, June.

[Adam Carolla]

And it was weird because I would keep like going, is this a Jewish holiday? Is this a three day weekend? Like, what is going on? Where is everyone going there? There's Suzanne O'Neill, that is my, that's my editor. And I would think, like, what is, what is going on?

[Teresa Strasser]

And it just turned turned out that's just the industry.

[Adam Carolla]

And why not? No one's yelling at him. Get back in the office. And if you wanted to get me out, I. If I had an office to be out of at noon every day on Friday, I would be the fuck out of there at noon on Friday.

[Beth Littleford]

Yes.

[Teresa Strasser]

Now I feel lucky and probably you do too, because we all know people who got a book deal and then got some editor who was an idiot or douchebag. And by the way, Sarah Silverman's book opens with this exchange between her and her editor and over the title of the book. And it's hilarious. I mean, he does, I think it's, it's called the Bedwetter and it has a subtitle and he something something and P. And the editor wants it to be pee pee. And she has to explain why P is funnier than pp.

[Adam Carolla]

She told me, and I'll confirm it when I see her tomorrow. She told me that her editor wanted it to be called like something Jew Stories from a Jew or something like that. Was like, offensive to me. And I'm a racist. Okay.

[Teresa Strasser]

If I'm offended.

[Adam Carolla]

So I'm a hate others.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm a xenophobe. I'm a homophobe.

[Adam Carolla]

You were so lucky to be here. I'm an anti slave in your vagina strike too, baby.

[Teresa Strasser]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I thought, well, that's offensive. And I can't remember what it is.

[Teresa Strasser]

Courage, redemption and pee. Now he wanted to say pee pee. You and I. My editor, this lady, Tracy Brown Bernstein, brilliant. She pushed me to make the book better. She did her job. But what I didn't realize is it doesn't fucking matter how good your book is or how many times you rewrote three fucking sentences that you would wake up and have a stomach ache about. If people don't know it exists because Billy Baldwin is on the Today show or fucking Snooki, then it doesn't matter how good it is. So the part where it fell. Where it kind of. Yeah. Fell apart. Part where it fell apart was in the PR department. But my editor. Editor, I feel lucky to say, was really talented.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

So I can't judge her.

[Adam Carolla]

Mine was as well. And of course, you know, I got caught up with it. My hair was a chick who was 15 years younger than me, so half my references were either Too Duty or Too Old Duty. But everyone loves Old Duty.

[Teresa Strasser]

Old Duty as a title. Working title.

[Adam Carolla]

Horrible name for a clothing outlet. Where'd you get those cargo sh. Shorts? Old Duty.

[Teresa Strasser]

The pockets. One pocket's lower than the other, but otherwise they're just as good.

[Adam Carolla]

It's kind of hanging in the back a little bit. But, yeah, she did a great job. And I learned about the business and how it worked. And for me, it was all about the podcast and all about the people that are listening.

[Teresa Strasser]

I have to put aside my. Because of the calculating in my mind of all the money you're making. And that's hard. My Jewish mind. I will say that I had. I just. I had a moment where I stopped caring about if people liked or bought my book and a lot of other things.

[Adam Carolla]

You did?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, I did. It was pretty. I had my. You know, I've. You've seen me through a few breakdowns, but I Had by far. Like the word, I spun out. I spun way out, out. And when I stopped, I think it's funny. It's gonna get funnier to say.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, keep going.

[Teresa Strasser]

I spun so far out that once everything ground to a halt, I realized I really care about two things. My child and my husband. If I can be an O, if I can be an okay mom, a good enough mom, that. That's it. I don't give. I can't give a fuck about anything else. I'd like people to like me. I'd like things I do to be successful. I'd like the respect of my peers. But when it's almost like having a near death experience and suddenly the world gets really small and you realize, oh my God, it doesn't matter that I'm not Whitney Cummings. I'm not driven. That's okay. I'm not good at certain. Like none of this matters because these are the things that plague me sometimes. And after I had my one little meltdown, I haven't, I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'll. I'll say this. And where were you when you had that meltdown?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, Adam, because this is a one.

[Adam Carolla]

On one, what sparked it?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, it was. Took a couple weeks, a couple week long meltdown that ended in some ways in the office of one Ms. Sharon, my therapist in Tarzana, at which where I ended up there and she had to call my husband to pick me up.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Teresa Strasser]

I mean, I've been going to therapy on and off since I was 8. I've never gotten a pickup.

[Adam Carolla]

I. You know what's weird? And this is again, I have trouble creating empathy for others. It's part of. Don't even fake it.

[Teresa Strasser]

That's part of your charm.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I've been. And I've said this many times, I've. When I had my hand surgery, I had a huge cast at a club on my wrist. I mean, it was bigger than just a sort of wrist cast. It was clubbish sized. I was driving a stick at the time, which a BMW M3 stick. And I had a couple of Vicodin in me. And then I drove myself all over town all the time with this club and my Vicodin and my stick. And I've had people say a lot, like, I was so emotionally distraught, I couldn't drive myself. I needed someone to come pick me up. And it just happened the other day. And my problem in life is like, I'm always like, how does you being upset affect your motor skills in terms of being able To.

[Teresa Strasser]

It never happened to me before either.

[Adam Carolla]

Automobile.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, I got there. Yeah. And on the way there, I had an inclination that things were taking a bad turn because my body was shaking a lot. That had never happened. I mean, I've been down, as, you know, before, and I've had depressions. At least one very manic bout in my 20s.

[Adam Carolla]

Dad's trailer going in a foreclosure in fortified wine country. That one of the problems.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes, that was happening.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that was called a trigger.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, that was a trigger. And it was just every day is like every day on the phone with bankers trying to, you know, because I couldn't get him out. And it was. I was worried they were going to come after my house and my credit's already ruined, but that. So that I didn't really realize that that was that triggering. Although when the people who are. I think, you know, I think having a child is the biggest trigger that can ever happen to you because you think back on your own childhood, and now that you know what it's supposed to feel like to love and care for a child, you get pretty pissed off about the way that you might have not been loved or cared for. And in this case, I was always like a parent to my parents, and this. I literally was like, bailing out my dad. And it was a daily. And I didn't really resent him because he's just kind of inept with his money and I sort of. And he's been really great since I've had a kid, and he's come down a lot, and I don't have that much resentment towards him, but it started to weigh on me. But more than that, I think the baby was getting sick a lot from being in daycare, and I started to be up all night, like, up a lot at night.

[Adam Carolla]

Deprivation.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. That's what it.

[Adam Carolla]

I think compounds and confounds things. And, you know, part of the thing, once you have kids, it's part resentment, part hurt, part anger that you feel toward your family and the folks that raised you and part confused confusion because it's like, I don't get it. Why wouldn't you be excited to fill in the blank?

[Teresa Strasser]

Right. Why was it a bummer? Why was it a buzz kill? Why was it a hassle? Yeah, I don't. Why was this not joyful?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't get it. I don't get. If you live next door to the high school and your son was all valley, why wouldn't you go in?

[Teresa Strasser]

But, you know, from the inside, you know, the Feeling like there's a there there. By the way, I realize there are a ton of Yiddish words for the same thing, which is like pride you feel about your kid. There's like nachos or kveling. There are words just for an overwhelming sense of pride you have when your child does something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but not for the kid, but for you. Like, why wouldn't you go enjoy it?

[Teresa Strasser]

Cause it's a reflection.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a funny. Now, the thing that's funny is I seem to surround myself with polar opposites, which always make my situation that much more bleak or at least stand out that much more in my own family, immediate family. And it's funny because you can sit there next to a dude on a bus and go, hey, man, my dad didn't go to too many Pop Warner football games. And that guy can go, I never knew my dad. And you go, cool. Or you can hang out with Jimmy Kimmel at Jimmy Kimmel, whose entire family will fly in for the feast of San Janeiro. Fly in from parts unknown speaker, Right?

[Teresa Strasser]

He started it with you for the.

[Adam Carolla]

Feast of San Janeiro every year. And just take up an entire table and sitting there hoisting a glass as we're auctioning off Shaq shoe. And then you'll have my entire family who live within a mile away, who never have been. And it's this weird thing. And I have my assistant, J. Gay. His dad.

[Teresa Strasser]

Wish you were gay, Jay. Yes, his dad. Who taught him how to play catch?

[Adam Carolla]

His dad. His dad comes in from Chicago. His dad and mom want to come to a taping of this car show I'm doing now. I don't know. My. My dad. I don't know if he knows about it or if he's sort of aware of it, but Jay's dad wants to come. And then I'll, like, talk to Jay, and I'll be like, oh, yeah, my parents are in town. They're here for a week. I'm like, so what'd you do over the weekend? Cuz I saw him on Friday when his mom and dad and I should say dad and mom came to see a taping of the car show I was doing over at Fox. They came over and then I said, well, what did you do over the weekend? He was like, well, I went to the bar where I work over at Shark's Cove. And then a certain point, the house band took a break. And I play a little guitar. My dad plays guitar. And I think there's even another family member with cousin or something that plays bass.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, what are they, the fucking Von Trapp's over here?

[Adam Carolla]

More like the Bacon Brothers. Oh, no, but a little better. And they got up and they're like jamming. I was just. My dad and we were jamming and me and my dad were up on stage.

[Teresa Strasser]

They don't even have to say what song they're gonna do because they know.

[Adam Carolla]

Intuitively it's a look and a nod. So every time my dad comes in town, we go to the cool bar that's by the beach with all the good looking people and we just jam.

[Teresa Strasser]

Wait, but do you not jam with your dad when you do the scatting and he plays?

[Adam Carolla]

He did force me to scat with him.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, that's. See that's. I know I do.

[Adam Carolla]

In front of no audience.

[Teresa Strasser]

I see. To me, when I had my meltdown, it wasn't so much that it I. That you know about being triggered of that my parents sucked. It was this terror that maybe I was sucking. Oh, maybe I was sucking.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't suck. It's like. It's sort of like knowing you're high.

[Teresa Strasser]

It means you're not that high.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or knowing you're crazy means you're not that crazy. It's like if you're constantly thinking about sucking, as a parent, you can only suck so badly.

[Teresa Strasser]

I agree.

[Adam Carolla]

I think our parents may have checked out. And that was the problem.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yes. They didn't concern themselves. I went through the looking glass. I spiraled so far down that when. And I had to take a week off, which I never miss a day. You know me, sure. I've never been five minutes late. I missed a day.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. Took a week off. Feel free to laugh.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm laughing.

[Teresa Strasser]

I can make it funnier.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Teresa Strasser]

After Googling local gun shops to just out. Just out of curiosity. Curiosity. Because I thought if I'm not going to be good at this, I'm. I don't. I'm going.

[Adam Carolla]

You're gonna kill yourself.

[Teresa Strasser]

See ya. Well, I didn't have a plan. And this is important because there are like levels where you're in certain danger. I didn't have a plan and I didn't have a means. But I did start to have a lot of fantasies and they were like loosening a what? Okay. You know, steam comes out, you loosen a thing. It was like pressure cooker.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

And I. Once I loosened it, I started. I actually started to feel better.

[Adam Carolla]

Like I.

[Teresa Strasser]

In the two weeks leading up to this where I had to be picked up by my husband, I started to think a lot about going. Like it was almost like I've just left a party I didn't want to be at and I left my coat in there. But I don't give a shit about my coat or my hat. I just want to go.

[Adam Carolla]

But obviously dead parent is even worse than.

[Teresa Strasser]

So my therapist said, or maybe a.

[Adam Carolla]

Push with my parents.

[Teresa Strasser]

She said, I mean, again, these were just fantasy, these were just thoughts. This was just venting, this was just trying to work out things. And in retrospect, a lot of this was a very intense sleep deprivation because I'd be up with a sick baby, then go to work at 4:30 and there was a long stretch where probably, probably slept three, four hours a night. And I think I started to.

[Adam Carolla]

You will quickly go insane with the sleep deprivation.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, that, that's what happened. And, and you've had that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I mean, I starred in a sports movie while doing a morning radio show which was for a month, which was.

[Teresa Strasser]

You ever cry? You ever like sit in your car and cry? Do you ever have like a cry?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Oh, I have, but not about me.

[Teresa Strasser]

What's your cry about?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, my wife lost her friend Jennifer. It upset me to no end.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, you've never had a cry just because you feel like anxious or sad or scared or upset or frustrated.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. I mean, maybe, but I wasn't, I was sleep deprived. I mean I did a morning show and then I would shoot all.

[Teresa Strasser]

I remember that.

[Adam Carolla]

And I would have to keep shooting into the wee hours of whatever and then come back and do it. And by the way, Dancing with the Stars was fucking worse.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh my God, I remember that too.

[Adam Carolla]

It was all day, every day and intense, intense.

[Teresa Strasser]

Big, huge live show seen by 20 million people. You can't like phone, you know, tune it, tune out and it in, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So I know the sleep deprivation thing.

[Teresa Strasser]

It was that it got so.

[Adam Carolla]

And you start going nutty. But I always, I always had this thing where it's going to be over in a month and you know, you're in it, so what are you going to do?

[Teresa Strasser]

I think I couldn't see the light. And that's why I started fantasizing like, oh my gosh, there's this, there's a way out. And because I was so tired I couldn't see the other way out. Which is you could take away week off, right? You could even take a day off. You know, that didn't dawn on me.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that is the problem, you know, when you get to a certain level and you're doing certain things. You're doing a morning show or Dancing with the Stars or an independent film or whatever it is or being a mom, you can't really take a week off because you take a week off, then there's just a whole bunch of people who can't shoot a movie, who got a bunch of money to shoot a movie, who are waiting for you to shoot this movie. There is a sort of be careful what you ask for. And there's a part of you that just wants to slide into the shadows, become a grip and go, eh, I won't be in for a week. Yeah. And not and them going I guess we'll get another guy to do what you do.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. I think I felt like part of my identity is that I'm a good worker. I might not be that great at things but I show up on time and I mean there was times going to do your show. That one time in particular I was really. I pulled over on Wilshire, threw up, kept on going. You probably never knew. Like I just thought I smelled it. Yeah, well. But you probably thought it was just a bulimia. Sure didn't think I was sick.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to talk more about this. I want to talk about the upside and the downside of the suicide and many other things with Theresa Strasser. We need to take a quick break. By the way, exploding my baby optioned but you can go ahead and get it. It's on Amazon. Five star. How bad could it be people? And also my book as well. In 50 years walby chicks paperback and a big bonus chapter. The sports chapter is in there as well. So you can get that. Let me tell you about my friends over at LegalZoom. LegalZoom. You want to keep your legal fees to minimum. Maybe you want to start your own business. That's why I recommend legalzoom.com and again, not saying you're going anywhere, but if something happens, make a will will. You can do it through LegalZoom. You can start a corporation or an LLC for as little as 99 bucks. Trial tested documents personalized for your business. Fast, easy, 100% satisfaction. A five star rating if it was a book on Amazon. LegalZoom is not a law firm. They provide self help services at your direction. So if you want to save some money and you want to do it quick and simple like online, LegalZoom is where you go and for even more savings, tell them Adam sent you. Type in Adam in the referral box at checkout. Start your business right. Protect your family and safeguard Your assets [e-mail] that is legalzoom.com we'll take a quick break. Back with Teresa Strasser next. Just come back here. All right, so, Teresa, you're overwhelmed and toying with the notion of suicide.

[Teresa Strasser]

I was just having a lot of fantasies. Fantasies about how I could make.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's just a merry go round. And you went off.

[Teresa Strasser]

I just wanted off. I just thought there's one important thing for me to do in this life, and that's be this child's mom and I'm not doing it right.

[Adam Carolla]

What about this part of life, the part where there's a bunch of shit you like and you want to do it?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you think, man, I could never drive in that vintage race dead. Or if I did, I'd probably get lapped. You know what I mean? Like, I have that thought of, yeah, I'm an atheist and I could be dead. I'm not. I don't think I'm going to be tormented when I'm dead. Like, all right, just relax for a few thousand years. But then I think, wait a minute, man. Laguna Seca is coming up, right? I want to get on that track. I want to see my kids, right. I want to see my wife. I got shit I want to do.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, you know what?

[Adam Carolla]

I got another book in me.

[Teresa Strasser]

Here's what I thought. I've already done way more than I ever expected from myself.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's true. That's true. And I feel the same way about myself.

[Teresa Strasser]

Best selling.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. The point is this, a well received author. You've done way more than you thought you're going to do. And I've done way more than I thought I was going to do. And that is, instead of being satisfied, it's sort of empowering. It's like, oh, now it's gravy. Now it's. No, not so much gravy. It's. We grew up in an environment where there was no success. Success. And there were no examples of success. And it wasn't really about how much money you're gonna make or what kind of education you're gonna get. It's just, look, life's a bitch and then you die. And that was pretty much what went on at my house. And it was a lot of. And I try to convey this to people all the time. It wasn't like. It's not like in downtrodden family systems, they tell you you're loser. You feel it. It permeates the air and pierces your pores. And enters your liver and vital organs. And it's just a way of going through life. It's never going to work out. Nothing's ever going to happen. For me, that's. For other people. It's like one big audition, and you're never going to get the gig. And at some point you go, wait a minute. I got the gig, I got this. I got the book deal. I got the house, I got the stuff. I got the job. And then it becomes, what have I been doing? Sitting around thinking, I could never do this. I can do this. And now the clock's ticking.

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, I started to feel like I don't think I'm untalented. I feel like, in a way that I know I can do certain things, but if I imagine my talent to be a horse, it's a pretty decent horse. You know, maybe it's. Maybe it could contend, you know, in a real race, but the job jockey is a fat alcoholic, out of shape. He's sitting there eating a stack of pancakes. He never shows up on time. He's not gonna win. The jockey has to ride the horse.

[Adam Carolla]

Can we just go a few minutes without you making fun of Lycus for a second? Just focus on the horse analogy.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't know if that made sense, but.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I know. I dig you. Yeah, I think that's a great analogy because you are a very talented person. And I go through this life and through this town marveling at just how untalented many, many people who you've heard of, who make a ton of money are or aren't. I mean, I cannot believe the level and not only the actual talent, but the executives and the folks that are running comedy departments and big production companies and things like that, and sitting down with these people and realizing intellectually, oh, my God, they're semi retarded. I can't believe these people have multiple houses and drive big cars and have buildings with their name on the side.

[Teresa Strasser]

Of it, and they seem like another species of winner.

[Adam Carolla]

And you sit down and talk to them and you start picking their brain and getting ideas and hearing their suggestions, and you realize, your borderline retards.

[Teresa Strasser]

That horse could have been made into glue.

[Adam Carolla]

It can't.

[Teresa Strasser]

It can't run, it can't canter, it can't gallop. It's nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

I found that time and time again. And like I said, this is behind the camera and in front of the camera. And then once in a while, you meet somebody and you go, oh, that person's the real deal. That person Actually possesses talent, but then somehow getting that to the road. And you talk about a horse analogy, and I'll give you a horse power analogy and I always use this one. But to me it, it, it works. All cars have different size engines and, and some have, you know, a modest amount of power, like that Honda CRV you drive, and others produce quite a bit of power. There's 100 horsepower engines and there's five.

[Teresa Strasser]

How many horses do I have?

[Adam Carolla]

You probably got about 100, 121 in that thing. Let's see if you got the V6. It's the four banger.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like 121, let's say. Feeling generous.

[Teresa Strasser]

Thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

Point is this, by the way, chewed you up. I decided the Honda CRV was the car that people who didn't care about cars bought.

[Teresa Strasser]

You can absolutely tell for sure. A person does not care about cars if that's their.

[Adam Carolla]

Every time I see someone driving a Honda crv, they just went.

[Teresa Strasser]

You might as well scream to the world. I care about gas mileage and I.

[Adam Carolla]

Don'T give a fuck what people say. And I'm like, and by, by the way, I have nothing to do. I'm not going off roading, I'm not going camping. I don't want to turn a hot.

[Teresa Strasser]

You take out the back and it turns into a picnic table. That's why I bought it, because I want to live a life where I'm going to pull over and have a picnic. Never once used it.

[Adam Carolla]

The point. No, that's the whole thing. It's like you are saying, I don't care. What you're saying is I don't care.

[Teresa Strasser]

What you think of me and I have nowhere to go.

[Adam Carolla]

I wish this city had a subway system because I wouldn't have to drive the crv. But okay, so Honda crv, for those who don't care, that's what they should. If you've got an extra $17,000 lying around and you don't give a shit what gets your ass to point A to point B, Honda CRV is your car. And. But it's not a bad car, it's a good car. It's just everyone who drives one is saying, eh, don't care. So, horsepower, you have a 500 horsepower engine, but in car cars, how much of it is getting to the rear tires? You see, you lose some, you lose it in the transference from the crank from the engine right to the rear tires because it has to travel through a transmission and has to go through a propeller shaft or Drive shaft and that has to go into a differential in the rear end and that has to turn axles and then turn the rear tires. Okay.

[Teresa Strasser]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

So if you're doing real well, you got a 500 horsepower engine and you're making 460 to the rear tires. But then we all know people that have a 500 horsepower engine and almost nothing is getting to the rear tires. You see what I'm saying?

[Teresa Strasser]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I feel like there's a lot of people in this town that have lawnmower engines up front, but they're getting 500 horsepower coming out of the rear tires. Not much talent there at all. It's all getting to the back, all in the tires. It's all in the rear tires. $0.10 brain on huge slicks.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That is getting, that is just hooking up.

[Teresa Strasser]

Sure. And that's the confidence. Right. That's the transmission.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And you high horsepower not getting out, not getting to the rear tires. And everyone always wants to talk about the horsepower. How can we up the horsepower? Or look at this high horsepower engine. Forget about that. You know, whoever it is, you brought up Whitney Cummings, you got as much horsepower she has. Whatever, whoever you're talking about, male, female author, comedian, whatever, satirist, whatever it is, you're covered there. You're funny there. That's covered. It's not that it's the rear end part. It's getting the hookup, it's getting it down to the track, down to the pavement, through the tires.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah. And I've accepted in some ways that I just don't have that today. And that's, that doesn't really matter. I mean, when I, when I had two nights, it really just took me two nights sleep. And I thought, oh my God, wait a second, it was two nights sleep. And I read one book, I read this. I mean this is not a big deal book. It's the happiest toddler on the block. And basically the kids books or books about kids should all be called that's normal. What your kid's doing is normal. And the entire book was like, here's what 18 month olds do. They cry a lot because they can't express. And I thought, I thought he was crying a lot. And he would go on these for like a 10 day period. He would cry for 45 minutes straight. But he didn't have enough language to communicate what was wrong. And I couldn't comfort him. And it was the most devastating feeling. I just thought, I can't. This is going to be Forever. He's going to be going to his prom and sigh sobbing And I didn't. What I didn't realize was, no, this is actually a normal developmental phase. And I didn't have anyone in my life to really tell me that. I read a book and the whole book said every single thing that your child is doing is normal. And then I thought, oh my God, this is just a terrible, terrible twos. It starts at 18 months and good. Which I didn't know. And then it kind of gave me a few tips, which I applied. In a matter of days, those crying jags stopped and I took that week off. I spent. I got up with my boy, I spent time with him, I took walks with him, I looked at motorcycles and bicycles and trucks with him because that's all he wants to do. I put him to sleep at night. I spent, you know, and then by the end of that, because it was 10 days, because let's face it, I took off the Monday too. Cuz if you're going to take off that long, throw in Monday, you know what I mean? At the weekend, throw in Monday. No one's going to bug you when you say you have a family crisis because people don't want to know what it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Especially if you start crying on the phone or something.

[Teresa Strasser]

You send a very cryptic and laconically worded email. Like you just laconics, maybe just for speaking. But send a very concise email.

[Adam Carolla]

Well.

[Teresa Strasser]

And no one asks you questions.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the main issue. How do you rinse the neurotic out of your hair? You. You see, I'm a lot of things, but I'm not neurotic. If anything, I don't care enough about things like as far as my kids go, they're normal, they're healthy, they're not going to be astronauts, but they're not going to be inmates. They'll do fine.

[Teresa Strasser]

Good enough.

[Adam Carolla]

They'll do fine and they'll do good enough. And I've provided them already with 99.99% more than anybody who's ever come before them on the planet. Just by the house they live in and the people that surround them. Now, could they turn out to be serial killers? Possibly. Is that going to be on me? No. They have a pretty good shot of having they have what they need. Are there going to be kids who were raised better? Yes. Are there going to be kids that had a better childhood? Yes. The part where they're going to have to decide at a certain point what kind of life they want and if they choose to be happy or they choose to be neurotic or morose, that will be sort of on them. I'm going to do the best I can. I will not be perfect. I'm a product of my environment. I will try to shed off much of that.

[Teresa Strasser]

I should have called you. This would have been helpful.

[Adam Carolla]

Overcompensate.

[Teresa Strasser]

But there's a mom thing that's slightly different and I can't explain it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure of it.

[Teresa Strasser]

Yeah, because I noticed my husband, he'll worry about things and he does an incredible amount of work but he doesn't have that thing where he, he feels like this child's mortal soul is his responsibility and that he's gonna fail at it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a pheromonal thing and you know, women have it and black men, but that's it. What's funny about that, those are the only two groups that share. So let's. Because we just have a little bit of time left. What's the plan? You gonna continue with the radio?

[Teresa Strasser]

Well, here's the plan. So when I took that week off, well, first of all I had a little look at the other side which is like, oh, here's what would happen if I just didn't, if I didn't exist anymore. If I left and I realized that I.

[Adam Carolla]

If you left the radio or left the planet.

[Teresa Strasser]

If I left the planet. Right. So it's like when I realized that there, there was an option called leaving the morning show and not missing the mornings with my kid and not getting over exhausted and stuff like that, I. I thought about just not going back. But I'd signed a year long contract and it was important to me to meet, you know, to fulfill it. Yeah. So. Well, I haven't exactly officially told Jack. I sort of knew that Jack Silver. Yeah, my boss man who's been really get the man gave me a job and I really needed it and I really appreciate that year of work but I think, I don't think I can be. When I took, took off that week, I was so happy and I thought like I'm, I am a good mom. I love this kid and he knows I love him and I'm. In my own way, I'm good at this. I'm going to be good at this. But I have, I have to be there when he wakes up because I'm. And a day is never going to feel right that I don't see my child wake up. That might be different.

[Adam Carolla]

You sound just like my nanny.

[Teresa Strasser]

I didn't think I would feel this way. I thought I was just going to be a worker, be. I was going to go back to work and whatever. So he's with his dad in the morning.

[Adam Carolla]

So if you're going to stay home.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't think so. I think I'm just going to have to find a job where I'm. I'm not up at 4:30.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Teresa Strasser]

I don't miss the. So I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Teresa Strasser]

I have no idea. I might never work again. I might.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe we can start podcasting yours something. I don't know. We should talk about this because, you know, I think there's a new world order which is you do not have to be chained to the clock in the calendar anymore. You can have your kids and raise them too. You can sort of make your own schedule and have your own. Have flexibility and have the ability to be there for when you need to be there. And it's sort of, I guess it's sort of taking an extension of the computer and bringing it to your calendar and your life, which is to say, all right, people now understand. Hey man, I got a computer. I can work from home a couple days a week. I don't have to go into the real estate office or the fill in the blank office. I have a computer here. It's got all this stuff on it. I have a telephone. I can call my client. I can have my calls forwarded to my cell phone and sit here in a Starbucks in Toluca Lake and open my laptop and I'm getting my work done. We're not working in a salt mine. I'm not going to have to give a shovel. So there's that version of work and that I got a computer, I can work from home thing. It's starting to expand into more than I can do my work from home to. Let's really define work. When is work? Does it have to be as clearly defined? Does it have to be, you know, from 8am to 9, you know, 6pm Five days a week? Maybe I choose to do my thing in the evenings and spend the day with my kids. Or maybe I, I work on the weekends mainly. I do a ton of work. I do a ton of gigs, I do a ton of shows, riding with whatever, but I like a Monday off. Like I like a middle of the week. I love, you know, the idea of going out shopping when everyone else is at work or taking in a matinee when no one else is around, you know, so it's completely Been redefined. And I don't Even know if 10 years from now there will be a work week. I mean, there'll be a work week, but a cycle that's 9 to 5 and the freeways are crowded at this time. And so I would say for you, and life is about a. It's a big gin rummy game where you keep discarding things that aren't working for you and collecting things that are working for you. That maybe the next. The next step and the next evolution for Teresa Strasser is doing it on her own terms. Because obviously doing a morning show is a hell of a lot better than working retail, but there's still a notch above doing a morning show. Yeah.

[Teresa Strasser]

If I never talk about the debt ceiling again or the fucking Chilean miners day after day or get up. It's hard to complain because it is. It's not a. It's not the salt mine. Speaking of Chilean miners. And it is a great job, however, for me in this, at this point in my life with a two year old, it was just breaking me. It was just breaking me. And I think you're write that I can piece together. Hopefully I can piece together enough things to make a living. And if I can't, I will work in a bookstore or at the yogurt shop. I don't care. I. I really don't care. And that, by the way, has made me a. The writing I've been doing since I had my little. My little meltdown. And then, you know, my husband and I went to a hotel and slept because I. When I. When the baby's there, I c. I would hear him crying. I was having like auditory hallucinations where I would hear the baby crying and waking up when he wasn't crying. I know it's pretty bad. Well, but he was waking up in the middle of the night crying, being sick. See, when they start daycare, they do nothing but get. He had things like that you never heard of. Like sailors would get like hand, foot and mouth and scurvy and parvo things. You never. I mean, this little kid was like horses insane.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God.

[Teresa Strasser]

Just any weeping with like a high fever, sweating in my arms and I'd be crying me. Then I'd have to go to work. I mean, that sucks. I. Sorry. I know how I got back to that. But when I had the meltdown and I realized that I. As long as I'm here for this baby, I don't give a fuck about anything else. I became a better writer in that moment because when you. When you really stop caring about how you're coming across and you're just telling the truth, that's, you know, that's the kind of stuff you want to read.

[Adam Carolla]

I was looking down at my schedule here and looking up at the clock, and we were going to do bad news mods.

[Teresa Strasser]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But I think we're way, way too deep now. I do want to tell you about something that when you get that gig over at Pinkberry, do you like me.

[Teresa Strasser]

To swirl two flavors together or side by side?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? Surprise me. And by the way, good name for TSV.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's tart.

[Adam Carolla]

You can. You can use GoToMeeting good friends over at GoToMyPC and brought to you by Citrix, by the way. But if you are going to be working from your house, I just did this thing, they have this GoToMeeting group video conferencing. Hi def. Anyway, GoToMeeting with HD faces. It's called you can collaborate. So you can look at your editor and let's just say, okay, in the Hamptons, you got the next book, right? Right. Let's just say it's a Thursday, not a Friday. You got the next book. You have your editor, she's over there in New York. You have, in Chicago, the person that's doing the artwork for the next book. And all three of you can be on the same computer. And at a certain point, the person in Chicago can go, let me show you this artwork, and go full screen with their stuff. And then you can get onto the screen and go, I want to circle this and move this around. And then your editor could weigh in, and then you all come back and it's like the Brady Bunch where all your faces are on there through the camera that's on your. Either you can use a webcam, or the one that's probably built in your computer if you bought it this decade. It's really cool and it's high def. And I just did it the other day with Donnie and all the other guys from GoToMyPC. Try GoToMyMeeting with HD faces. Unbelievable technology. Try it free for 30 days. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the try it free button and use the promo code. Adam. Good people, good sponsors. And speaking of that, Amazon. Keep up the great work. I love you guys. For Amazon, it's my favorite part of this gig. You want to support the show? You want to buy something on Amazon? Click through our website, go to AdamKroll.com, click on the banner, and give us a little of your love. So, Teresa, people should know that exploring my babies out as we speak, they.

[Teresa Strasser]

Can buy it by clicking on your Amazon banner.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, I love that story.

[Teresa Strasser]

It's like eight bucks.

[Adam Carolla]

And again, I know when you see this thing you poured years of your life into and it's literally the price of a six of the Pinkberry that.

[Teresa Strasser]

I'm going to be serving you, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Especially if you put enough crushed almonds on there. Exploitingmybaby.com is where you can find that. And you can Twitter Teresa at Teresa Strasser. Let's do this soon. Let's do this regularly. And again, let's if you're not getting into the radio, let's think about maybe doing a little podcast.

[Teresa Strasser]

I would love it.

[Adam Carolla]

So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Teresa Strasser saying mahalo. All right.

[Dawson]

It was Adam Corolla show 634 at the Great Teresa Strasser that that does it for today's Corolla classics.

[Adam Carolla]

Until tomorrow, mahalo. And get it on.