R. Lee Ermey + Dan Milano (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show - "R. Lee Ermey + Dan Milano (Carolla Classics)"
Release Date: February 28, 2025
Host: Adam Carolla
Guests: R. Lee Ermey, Dan Milano, Teresa Strasso, Brian Bishop

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Introduction

In this special episode of the Adam Carolla Show titled "Carolla Classics," Adam revisits some of the most memorable moments from the past 16 years of his podcast. The episode features clips with prominent guests like R. Lee Ermey and Dan Milano, delving into a mix of humor, sharp insights, and candid discussions on various societal topics.

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Clip 1: Totally Topical Tebow Trivia and Book Sales

Timestamp: [00:54] – [04:14]

The episode kicks off with a nostalgic clip from 2010 where Adam engages in a game of "Totally Topical Tebow Trivia" with guests Dan Milano, Teresa Strasso, and Brian Bishop. The playful competition quickly shifts to a humorous debate about Adam's success as a bestselling author.

Notable Quote:
Adam Carolla [02:13]: "But there are certain things that I eat where I just think to myself, why the fuck wouldn't everyone just eat non-fat cottage cheese?"

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Discussion: Book Sales vs. Literary Classics

Timestamp: [04:36] – [10:22]

R. Lee Ermey joins the conversation, expressing playful disbelief that Adam's book outsells revered literary works like "War and Peace" and "To Kill a Mockingbird." The banter continues with Ermey mockingly comparing Adam's book to Elie Wiesel's "Night," highlighting the absurdity of commercial success overshadowing classic literature.

Notable Quote:
R. Lee Ermey [06:25]: "You are outselling a book called Night by Elie Wiesel. He has complaints about the Holocaust."

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Segment: Introducing Dan Milano and "Greg the Bunny"

Timestamp: [46:12] – [53:55]

Dan Milano discusses his parody show "Warren the Ape," likening it to "Greg the Bunny" and emphasizing the challenges of pitching innovative puppet-centric shows to traditional networks. The conversation highlights the evolution of television content and the importance of improvisation in comedy.

Notable Quote:
Dan Milano [46:32]: "If you have to go into a boardroom and pitch a show as trippy as that, you're sort of already at a loss."

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Clip 2: R. Lee Ermey on Gay Marriage Legalization

Timestamp: [12:18] – [26:39]

In another clip, R. Lee Ermey and Adam delve into the landmark decision overturning California's same-sex marriage ban. Ermey offers his unfiltered and controversial perspective, blending humor with sharp criticism of the LGBTQ+ movement's societal impact.

Notable Quote:
Adam Carolla [14:26]: "When you see these, they always have the word family in it. Like whatever. Support the family."

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Discussion: Celebrity Culture and Book Publishing

Timestamp: [26:43] – [69:17]

The conversation shifts to celebrity influence in book sales, with Ermey teasing Adam about surpassing sales of prestigious authors. They explore the dynamics of publishing, marketing strategies, and the humorous notion of comparing modern bestsellers to timeless classics.

Notable Quote:
Adam Carolla [28:13]: "I think people will rise to the occasion. And you guys had one out of every hundred of Adam's fans, right? Kind of will tolerate me."

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Segment: Gisele Bundchen's Breast Milk Yogurt

Timestamp: [21:39] – [26:39]

The discussion takes a quirky turn as the guests humorously critique Gisele Bundchen's advocacy for yogurt made with breast milk. They debate the taste and societal acceptance of such innovative, albeit unconventional, food products.

Notable Quote:
R. Lee Ermey [22:54]: "She said, how old is she? Do we know Jizz?"

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Clip 3: Legalization of Gay Marriage in California

Timestamp: [12:18] – [33:48]

Returning to the topic of gay marriage, Ermey and Carolla further dissect the decision's implications. Ermey uses biting humor to express his disapproval, while Adam attempts to navigate the conversation with his blend of irreverence and sarcasm.

Notable Quote:
Ermey [16:13]: "It's a penny part in many states."

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Closing Segments: Advertisements and Promotions

Timestamp: [84:38] – [91:43]

The episode concludes with various promotional segments, including advertisements for services like Pluto TV and LegalZoom. Adam intertwines these promotions seamlessly with ongoing humor, maintaining the show's dynamic and engaging tone.

Notable Quote:
Adam Carolla [86:01]: "What what this ain't including the stuff that would be in the seat in front of you on a Southwest flight. No, these are actual books."

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Conclusion

The "R. Lee Ermey + Dan Milano (Carolla Classics)" episode offers a rich tapestry of humor, satire, and candid discussions on pressing social issues. Through playful interactions and sharp wit, Adam Carolla and his guests navigate topics ranging from book sales dynamics and celebrity culture to the legalization of gay marriage. R. Lee Ermey's unabashed commentary adds a layer of depth and entertainment, making this episode a standout for both long-time listeners and newcomers seeking a blend of comedy and insightful dialogue.

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Key Takeaways:

• Book Sales Dynamics: The humorous debate on commercial success vs. literary merit underscores the complexities of the publishing industry.

• Social Commentary: The candid discussion on gay marriage legalization reflects the diverse perspectives and tensions within societal changes.

• Celebrity Culture: The episode satirizes the influence of celebrities in various domains, highlighting the often absurd intersections between fame and success.

• Innovative Food Products: The lighthearted critique of Gisele Bundchen's breast milk yogurt showcases the show's penchant for blending unconventional topics with humor.

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This extensive and engaging summary captures the essence of the episode, providing a comprehensive overview for those who haven't tuned in while preserving the humor and critical insights characteristic of the Adam Carolla Show.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Foreign.

[Giovanni]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is a podcast, we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the.

[Adam Carolla]

Clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla show.

[Giovanni]

We have a companion podcast titled Coral Classics but the ad free archives exclusively available through Adam Corolla [e-mail]. you can also find the ad free archives from the Adam Carolla Show Adam and Dr. Drew show which has been recently relaunched. Make sure to check that out. And Adam's brand new podcast Beat it Out, currently featuring Adam and Jay Moore. And if you'd like to request a.

[Adam Carolla]

Clip, please email us classicsamcarla.com now on to the clips.

[Giovanni]

Coming up first today we have Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Carolla show ups with 377.

[Giovanni]

This is from 2010 featuring Dan Milano, Teresa Strasso and Brian Bishop. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

And now a man who is about to lose at Totally Topical Tebow trivia time today, Adam Carolla. Yeah, get it on. All right, I'm the Dwayne Bobbik of totally topical TiVo trivia. Who this white red headed fighter in.

[R. Lee Ermey]

The 70s made a can.

[Adam Carolla]

Jerry Cory. I'll upgrade myself to Jerry Cory. Huh? Yeah, I've won. I won a couple. I got close. I've gotten close. I do alright. Who knows? Who knows?

[Giovanni]

You do well. And I'm really suffering from my brain tumor.

[Adam Carolla]

Stick around.

[R. Lee Ermey]

If it's like chemo week then you've got a chance. I have no.

[Adam Carolla]

This isn't a game. Yeah, I like Shark week much better than chemo week. Yeah, it's a bummer.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Chemo week. Is that on Discovery Health?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a bummer.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Well, they're always promoting it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, bunch of guys pushing around those walkers with the tennis balls on the bottom of them, talking about T cells and things like that.

[Giovanni]

The positive is you get to find fun new ways to incorporate fiber in your diet. You know they make fiber yogurt.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Giovanni]

Oh yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Really?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, Fiber one makes a yogurt.

[Adam Carolla]

Does it taste any different?

[Giovanni]

Tastes just like yogurt.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me say this.

[Giovanni]

I mean, it essentially is just like yopla yogurt or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

There's certain things that suck that are, you know, have things in them or, you know, usually when you add things like fiber or remove things like sugar, you fuck things up. But there are certain things that I eat where I just think to myself, why the fuck wouldn't everyone just eat non fat cottage cheese? Once you take the non fat cottage cheese and you Slice up the nectarine on it, put a little honey on it, mix it up. You don't know what's in it. It's really. I really can't. I can tell the difference between non fat milk and whole milk. But like something like cottage cheese. The non fat version of it. Completely fine. Why would you ever just get the regular. You know what I mean? And if you got yogurt that tastes the same as yogurt, it's got a shitload of fiber in it. Why would you even eat the regular?

[R. Lee Ermey]

Shitload being the appropriate adjective.

[Adam Carolla]

How are things shit and caboodle?

[Giovanni]

Right now? They're fantastic. Things are coming off the chemo for a week or so. So I feel great.

[R. Lee Ermey]

For the next two weeks?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, for the next two and a half weeks I feel fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

You're gonna feel so great after I smoke your ass and totally top it.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I was gonna say you could reschedule for chemo week if you wan.

[Adam Carolla]

No. All right, now I'm taking the training wheels off my brain, baby. I'm ready to party. No excuses, not gonna back down. Never back down. Like that movie Red Belt. All right, I want to tell people to go to my PC.com, go to my PC.com. how does this work? You can go to your PC, you can go to your work computer. You can go to your work Macintosh, you can go to your home computer from work. Your work computer from home. Home from the cafe, traveling, essentially, you don't have to go into the office as much. And isn't that what we're all looking for out of life?

[R. Lee Ermey]

Can I interject that a friend of mine who's a big fan of yours, she downloaded her free 45 day trial and one Saturday she got a call. You have to go to a meeting at noon. Her office is all the way out in Pasadena. She was going to have to get in her car, drive to her office just to get a couple of files and then drive to this meeting. But she didn't have to do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Because she took the 45 day free trial offer just by going to mypc.com and using the promo code. Adam, again, 45 days free. Check it out. We know you'll love it. Go to mypc.com Alright, T Bone, we got a lot to get to. You got a lot of news to get to as well. Shall we get started?

[R. Lee Ermey]

Let's.

[Adam Carolla]

From the International News center, next to Donnie's Mini Bites, this is the news with Theresa Strasser.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Big news about gay marriage today. Huge. I will get to that. In one moment. But first, about your book. Yeah, this is historic what's happened. Yes, the gay marriage decision is historic.

[Giovanni]

This is your top story.

[R. Lee Ermey]

This is my lead story, Adam, because it is. I've been stunned and shocked and amazed. So I was talking to my book agent, Anthony Matero, who I adore, and he was saying, wow, Adam's numbers are really amazing. His publisher must be thrilled. And I said, well, like, what kind of books is he beating? Can you give me examples of some of the books that he's outselling? And he gave me a little bit of a list. Perhaps you've heard of some of these books you are outselling. Have you heard of War and Peace?

[Adam Carolla]

Warren is a guy named Warren War.

[R. Lee Ermey]

And like, pretend it's an amp.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I know those cats. They sing. They sing. I know their song. Only you know and I know. Cause I know that I mean what I say. So don't go and ever take it the wrong way. You know, I gotta Adam know. But if you did. No, it's going to get you Tolstoy.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Who Stoy Tolstoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Tolstoy.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Tolstoy. Some consider War and Peace the best.

[Adam Carolla]

Feeling like a dead duck. You know who you're outselling out pieces of his broken. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah. Who's singing that? Only you know and I know song? That's Dave Mason. Dave Mason. Wow.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Nice pull.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah, you are outselling a book called Night by Elie Wiesel. He has complaints about the Holocaust. Sure, but you have complaints about other things.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, I got my potpourri iced tea that I complained about in the book and many others.

[R. Lee Ermey]

That's your Holocaust.

[Gina Grad]

Sure.

[R. Lee Ermey]

That's well, in your face, Elie Wiesel.

[Giovanni]

It's a taste bud Holocaust.

[R. Lee Ermey]

My favorite book, To Kill a Mockingbird. You're beating that. Yeah, take that, Harper Lee.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Catcher in the Rye. You've heard of that. You're beating that. And I bet you're thinking, wow, these are a lot of classics. Why shouldn't Adam's book be beating Lolita?

[Adam Carolla]

His book's about running over birds and deli sandwiches aren't my bag. And if you think you're impressing me because I'm beating them in sales, well, you're not.

[Giovanni]

You know why this is even more sad slash impressive is because this is back to school time and kids should be buying books for the summer reading.

[R. Lee Ermey]

This is a man who has not read a book. The book he has written.

[Adam Carolla]

Those books have been out for like 500 years. Man.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Okay, I'm ready for you. Okay. You've heard of Harry Potter?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I have.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Your book is outselling each and every Harry Potter book.

[Adam Carolla]

Good name for T's V. It's full of wizardry. Yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

And there's a really old man with a beard in it. Tuesdays with Maury.

[Gary]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Listen, I'm flattered. And like I said, we've opened up the bookplate department to another 2500, so if you guys want to hop on that, we'll happily keep those out there.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I'm so excited. My heart's aflutter. Especially because you're also beating a man named George W. Bush.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

His book is published by your publisher. Publishes a week later than yours. You are beating it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it comes out a week. A week after week after.

[R. Lee Ermey]

You're beating Keith Richards, you're beating Sarah Palin, you're beating Ted Kennedy.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's all. Now, are those books out? Are they coming out? But listen, that's all this podcast, that's all the people that are listening.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Listeners. They don't just sit there and passively, you know, just enjoy the entertainment that you provide. They do what you say.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'll tell you what. And I don't want to. We'll get into the news in a second. I don't want to turn this into a sales promotion, and I don't want to get sappy, but I think it's a new age. It was a time back in the day when Joe DiMaggio would light up a Salem cigarette and go, ooh, so smooth. And then he'd cough and put it out. Or you take a bite of the chicken, he'd spit it, literally, into a bucket. So each take, you didn't have to swallow the Colonel's chicken. There was a sort of bullshit aspect of advertising, and it still exists, but I think we have a newer, sort of more transparent relationship in this new dawn of. Look, people, here's what we'll do. We'll come here every day and we'll bust our butt for 90 minutes. And we'll pay everyone, although pittance. And we'll attempt to provide, and we'll keep thinking and attempting to provide a better show for you guys at no cost to you. But we're living in the real world. And if I come out with a book, you guys, even though you can get it on Amazon for 1350, it's relatively inexpensive. If you'd like to buy one for a friend, God bless you, but you need to buy the book so that we can Keep the lights on here so that we can continue to do the podcast. And I think people understand that.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Totally. And if this book sells, continues to sell as it's doing, then you will be asked to write another book, and thus the lights will stay on here.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[R. Lee Ermey]

And by the way, collateral benefit to me, little old me, little old tiny old me, my little book exploiting my baby just on your coattails has, like, broken into the top thousand, which is a pretty big deal for a book that comes out in January.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on, dude, there's a thousand books.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Oh, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're not. But you don't understand.

[R. Lee Ermey]

If I was in the top 5,000, it would be a celebration for my publisher.

[Adam Carolla]

This is not including pamphlets and things like sky malls.

[R. Lee Ermey]

No, these are actual books.

[Adam Carolla]

Not including the stuff that would be in the seat in front of you on a Southwest flight.

[R. Lee Ermey]

No. Well, unless somebody. Unless somebody put A Brief History of Time, which, by the way, you're beating.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Well, good times. And again, I thank you all. And let me say this, too, and we'll go right on to the news. The literati who thought about books and me writing books, believe me, I was looked at a scan, say eyebrow or two was raised in the book in the world, with all these hotshots in their ivory towers over there in Manhattan, New York City, they were like, who the hell wants you to write a book? And who the hell's gonna buy one of your books? So they essentially. And God bless her, but when Sarah Silverman says she's going to write a book, they fucking back up a Brinks truck to her condo slash house. And they pay her 10 times what they pay me because they're like, well, who's going to buy your books? And I gave them. We have a very dedicated. We're few, but we're proud. And you'll see. I think people will rise to the occasion. And you guys had one out of.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Every hundred of Adams fans, right? Kind of will tolerate me.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys have raised, got their attention over there. And again, this new form of communication that we've created, which is we don't have to have 20 million fans anymore. You have 150 or 200,000 hardcore fans that will support you. And it's not charity. We're not asking for donations. Fuck me. Mike lynch spent 5 million hours working on this goddamn piece of shit.

[R. Lee Ermey]

That's the hardest thing you've ever done, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And I'm asking for doll, so it'll be worth it to you. And I think you'll really Enjoy it. Thank you. Okay, rest of the news. Sorry.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Big day for the gays.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, big day.

[R. Lee Ermey]

A federal judge overturned California's same sex marriage ban in a landmark case that could eventually land before the U.S. supreme Court to decide if gays have a constitutional right to marry in America.

[Adam Carolla]

What is it with this country where, I mean, I know what it is. We don't have problems, so we just pick out a few things and we just go round or legalized marijuana, gay marriage. Legalized gay marriage and marijuana. And you know, it's just, it just never ends. Who gives a fuck? Here's the whole deal with all this stuff between the pot, the gay marriage and whatever other thing you shouldn't give a shit about if you, if you're not gay and you care a lot, something's up.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Something's up. Whenever you see these, they always have the word family in it. Like whatever. Support the family.

[Adam Carolla]

Family.

[R. Lee Ermey]

When you see one of these. Yeah. Whenever you see one of these dudes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

On your cable television.

[Adam Carolla]

Always look like he could suck a cock.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Oh, it looks like he's just sucked a mile of cock every time. I'm telling you, he's gay. They look on the down low. Why are they so concerned? It's like the guy at the candlelight vigil for the little girl that disappeared.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

And police noticed that. Same as always in the picture.

[Adam Carolla]

Got that candle pushed through a paper plate. Didn't even know the family.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Right. Why is he so interested?

[Adam Carolla]

He's got a boner. He's got a boner and a clippings at a vigil. Do you want a boner? Yeah. No one wants a boner at a vigil.

[R. Lee Ermey]

No, except the guy who took the kid.

[Adam Carolla]

I understand the conservative people that are religious people that like, don't want gay relationships taught to their, you know, fourth graders or third graders as part of health education or whatever. I mean, I understand the parents, you know, there's uptight parents, there's traditional religious whatever, who don't want their 9 year olds learning about cornholing. Fine. Like, I understand that. And I do understand that there's a small segment of society that is like, well, we do think that marriage should be between a man and woman. I understand it.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Great.

[Adam Carolla]

But that's a small segment. And then everyone else should not give a shit.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, as I said, when the end. Hate for eight or whatever. That fucking camp prophet, what's it called, Prop 8, Prop 8, which is Prop 8 or whatever. And they gave me, you know, give me the five top Reasons gays should be able to get married. I went number one. They pay their taxes, they're citizens of these United States, and it's only fair. And then number. Number two through five, so you homos would shut the fuck up. Can't stand. Fuck it. They're the loudest people on the planet.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Well, look, you can.

[Adam Carolla]

Next story. Stop pissing off the blacks and the gays. They're loud.

[R. Lee Ermey]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Start pissing off the Asians.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I think you already have.

[Adam Carolla]

I have. But you know what? A fucking Asian.

[R. Lee Ermey]

And you heard about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but an Asian rally sounds like this. Hell, no. We won't go with some violence with.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Some excellent violin playing.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. It's time for cello practice. We got. We gotta blow out of here. Who's gonna play the pan flute while we march off to go practice our cello? Yeah. That's the point. That's the point. Let's stop annoying the blacks and the gays. They're so goddamn loud. And they evidently have a lot of free time on their hands, too.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Well, you'd make the time if your civil rights were being taken from you unfairly. Now, this is a contract, right? Marriage is a contract, as you know. You've entered into it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Does God have to do with it or what? You care about who has sex with you. It's a contract. It means that. Thank you, Tyra. It means that if my husband is sick, I can go see him in the hospital. If we would like to adopt a child together, we can do that. If he has insurance and I would like to have it, I can be on his insurance plan.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like they can adopt at this point. But look, who cares? Let him. Who gives a fuck?

[R. Lee Ermey]

It's a penny part in many states.

[Adam Carolla]

Just do it to shut the homos up and let's move on. That's my whole thing. I don't even want them to get married or not get married. I'm tired of hearing about it. He's a straight guy. And by the way, you know, hearing about marriage is sort of. It's like a lot. You know when people went to the dentist and they go, what happened? Oral surgery, root canal. And then they botched the first one. And you kind of do that thing where you go, let's not talk about that so much. I feel the same way about marriage. I just don't like to hear about it all day, every day.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

It's fine. Let's move forward. Let them get married. Shut them up. Let's get moving.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Well, let's celebrate the Constitution which provides for equal protection in due process.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, what's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. What's going on is the right side of this country and the more traditional side of this country feels like we're sliding. And it feels like, you see, you know, you see, they pick out gay marriage, but they do it in a kind of way that the NRA does with stuff which is, let's just make a stand because the borders are poor, the gays are getting married, guys are wearing cut off sweats on flights and everything's, the music's all fucking, everyone's wearing their pants around their ankles and the kids are for shit, no one's learning anything and the music sucks. And there's this whole like, we're sliding away from a traditional society that they want. I mean, I can compartmentalize, which is I would like the border beefed up and I would like the gays beefed up in their marriage. Like get married, gays beef up the borders. But I think there's a group in this, there's a portion of society that's just, they're traditional. It's not like we're against gays or we're against illegal immigration. It's just we're traditional. We want things, we want people to dress nice, we want white people to be with white people and black people to marry black people and gays. Not to be talked about at public schools. And they're very like, that's what it is. And they sort of have a view that some of it is like, all right, you make a point. Other parts, like, that's a big step socially backwards. But you have to be able to compartmentalize. Gays can get married, pot can be legalized. Society's not going to fall off into the sea. But I do agree, enact a dress code at the schools and beef up the border.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I'm for the dress code.

[Adam Carolla]

I am too.

[R. Lee Ermey]

And, and look, in states that have, that have legalized gay marriage, sky didn't fall.

[Adam Carolla]

No, everything's fine. Nothing ever, nothing ever happens.

[R. Lee Ermey]

And you know, Loving versus Virginia, which was the precedent setting case back in 1967 that ended race based marriage discrimination. At that time in 1967, a lot of people were very disturbed by the notion of interracial marriage. 1967 doesn't seem like very long.

[Adam Carolla]

Now we jack off to it. We've come a long way.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Some polls suggest that even today 20% of people don't like the idea of interracial.

[Adam Carolla]

Marriage.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Some polls suggest that. So society is evolving. Well, you can't stop.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. There's that thing again, this people think I'm a racist. But there's a thing where you by the way, Jews are at the tip of the spear and so are the aforementioned Asians. Where you would like your own to marry your own. Not because you hate other races, but just because your own is sort of your own.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I like to think we're at the foreskin of this.

[Adam Carolla]

You're at the foreskin.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

You're the.

[Brian Bishop]

The.

[Adam Carolla]

The tip of the schwants on this. Which by the way, I think it probably goes maybe like Korean, Jew, whitey. I don't know where white. Whitey's down on the down somewhere behind Jews and several Asian nationalities. On the marry your own or don't bring home a brother kind of. Kind of thing. So I don't think it's bad. I mean it's built into us. I understand. You could not your Mother Teresa. But let's say you had a mother that cared, right? And she wanted her Jewish daughter to marry a Jewish boy because she wants that child. Cultural connection. She wants her grandson brought up in that environment. Whatever. It doesn't mean she hates other cultures. That's what she wants. There is a part of that that's built into all cultures in every society. It's fine. It's healthy. It's. What is that part? I understand.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I agree. There's a comfort level. For example, my mother in law is Catholic. And if she were attached to a lie detector, would she prefer that I be Catholic?

[Adam Carolla]

Lie detector. One shot of nyquil. Away from calling you a hook nose he and throwing her out of your trailer. Yes. Are you kidding? Lie detector.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I offered to have my son baptized. What the fuck do I care?

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[R. Lee Ermey]

Like God gives a shit.

[Giovanni]

But baptizing man of Chavez, Theresa.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Well, it's a caveat. I don't care if it means something to her. What do I care?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Okay. Moving on to much lighter news. Speaking of motherhood, Gisele Bundchen had a baby. She welcomed her son, Benjamin Ryan.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that her? And Tom Brady.

[R. Lee Ermey]

That's right. Seven months ago they had little Benjamin. Now, how did she get back in shape?

[Adam Carolla]

Bill Simmons, the great one. Tom Brady emptied his ball sack into GCL Boonshoot. Wait a minute. Typo. Delete, delete, delete, delete. And nine months later, one of the one of the most beautiful children ever to spring forth from a supermodel's l came forward with. I'm guessing a howitzer for a ride on go packs.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Would you like to know how she got back in shape?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, fuck. I'm so tired of supermiles explaining how they got back into shape.

[R. Lee Ermey]

You know how. Here's how I'm gonna start out with Amazing Jeans. I'm gonna be like six feet tall and really young.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[R. Lee Ermey]

That's the first. But what she says is kung fu meditation and breastfeeding. She says she practiced kung fu two weeks before giving birth, yoga three times a week throughout her pregnancy, and meditated every day, all of which helped her body bounce back quickly. She's also a big time advocate for breastfeeding. Now here's the quote that's getting a lot of attention.

[Adam Carolla]

She said, how old is she? Do we know Jizz?

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah, how old is jizz? We'll have our crack staff look it up. She's gotta be in her 20s, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like she's been around for a while though. But she could have started when she was 16.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah, it's likely she's started in her late teens.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it a boy or a girl, Benjamin? It's a boy. God damn. Kid's gonna be a piece of ass.

[R. Lee Ermey]

So here's her quote. I think there should be a worldwide law that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months. That is what she told Harper's Bazaar.

[Adam Carolla]

She's 30.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah, yeah. She's saying you should breastfeed for six months worldwide and it should be a law.

[Adam Carolla]

I just. Again, all that bullshit. I was just. Mike and I were just going, doing a little proofreading on my book and I got to that part where I was cutting umbilical cords and all that kind of shit and all that shit that you don't remember that. You know, again, being a good mom and being a good dad is very important. The part where the kid is three days old or six days old or six weeks old, you don't remember any of that shit. Like, if I had a choice, I would much rather my dad not cut the umbilical cord and then hang out and be a really good dad versus cut the cord and be a lukewarm pop. You know, we take all the pressure off with all this weird mysticism that happens beforehand. Yeah, I'm sure breast milk is great also. Bottles, great. Everything's great. The great. The thing is be present, provide. Put a roof over your fucking kid's head. Take them to the doctor, get them a shot. Everything's cool.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Now. Is this going to creep you out If I ask you, did your mom breastfeed you? Do you know?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I'm so curious now.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. She knows.

[R. Lee Ermey]

She's gotta know.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to think.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Do you think Lynette knows?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[R. Lee Ermey]

You'd like to think that never happened?

[Adam Carolla]

I just. I.

[Gina Grad]

How should I know?

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, you'd remember.

[R. Lee Ermey]

It takes a long time.

[Adam Carolla]

I just know. I know that my parents needed to go to a couple Pop Warner football games, not cut cords or breastfeed or any of that shit. It's all. They need to get a little involved. They need to go to a couple parent teacher conferences. They needed to, you know, someone needed to get hold of me when I was 17 and go, hey, man, you got a couple of letters from a couple of decent colleges here. Why don't we get you in a. Have you take the pre SAT class and see if we can't get you a decent grade and get you off to UC Davis? No, that's what I needed. Not the fucking part where they saved my placenta.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Right. I think that would have been more important to you than, say, Jimboree at six months.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, exactly.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Or Todd Shabbat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Either way, I'm very happy for the two.

[R. Lee Ermey]

God bless them.

[Adam Carolla]

God bless them.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I think God already has blessed.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I know looks of things. And the thing that's crazy. And I know people. I need a list of people that make too much fucking money. Like, you know, they do this thing where it's like, well, Tom Brady's trying to sign a deal where he, you know, it's going to be. He's going to make him the second highest paid quarterback in the NFL where he gets $31 million a year, although he still won't make as much money as his bride, Gisele Bunch. It's like, what. I mean, I'm cool with Giselle bringing $6 million a year, but what she make, $42 million a year? It's. It's. I know she makes banks or something for chicks. Or I. I know she sells stuff and models. But first off, people don't really know when you're making. I mean, we're talking about her making, like, literally like $750,000 a week because.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Of the genetic hand she was dealt.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But what is she selling? And I know when people go, oh, she's got her own perfume. Okay, but are people buying gallons of luncheon?

[R. Lee Ermey]

Does it smell like, like, really good DNA?

[Adam Carolla]

What does that smell like? I don't know.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I like that. Can I buy her perfume? Is it gonna make me six feet tall?

[Adam Carolla]

Why is she making $40 million a year? How is this done?

[Giovanni]

It says here on her Wikipedia. I don't know anything about this, but says on her Wikipedia, she has. She is the face. She's been the face of a variety of advertising campaigns, including several seasons of Christian Dior, Mervyn's, Dolce and Gabbana, Versace, Bulgari. These are big, you know, names who, I guess, pay dirty to be there and door. The Facebook company.

[Adam Carolla]

28 million annually.

[Giovanni]

And I understand Ralph Lauren, blah, blah, blah.

[Adam Carolla]

I understand, but is it still worth. I mean, to make 20. You know, listen, to make four or five million dollars a year, you're doing pretty fucking good for yourself. To make $28 million a year, you have to make 500k. Let's see, you got to make 2 million. You got to make $2.5 million or almost $2.5 million a month.

[Giovanni]

Victoria's Secret Navy, a lotion, and several Brazilian brands.

[Adam Carolla]

Citibank and Volkswagen, maybe there's a bunch of shit going on in Brazil that.

[R. Lee Ermey]

We' yeah, and I guess there's some kind of magic to how to sell a cream, because let's face it, Nivea and whatever, they're all the same. So somehow Gisele Bundchen's face or body sells your cream, and that's why you pay her a shitload of money. She sells your designer clothing.

[Adam Carolla]

My God, it's like I never even hear her fucking talk.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I can't even imagine what her voice sounds like.

[Adam Carolla]

Who makes more money than she does without talking? Like, who is that? You know? You understand? Okay, Letterman makes $32 million a year, $34 million. But if a guy fucking works his ass off.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah, even Tyra and Heidi Klum, the other big talk, we've heard them speaking. They do commercials.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we wish Tyra would have some of that cement that BP's pumping into the well.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Maybe she could retire her mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

Put in her mouth. So put a cap on that bitch. But, yeah, I. Anyway, I'm jealous. Don't get me wrong.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Of course this is our jealousy.

[Adam Carolla]

But Jesus, fuck, I don't even think. I don't feel like I've seen her talk.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I'll just say if you. If you are a breastfeeding mom right now and you're having trouble because some people do struggle with it, and Jizz is out there telling everybody that there should be a law that you breastfeed six months while you're trying your best and failing, you're gonna be pretty pissed off at the likes of Jizz.

[Adam Carolla]

I think if you're female, you're pissed off at the likes of Jizz.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Just, you know, God bless her, but, like, sell bras. But why don't you stay out of mind?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I agree.

[R. Lee Ermey]

God, I'm on a soapbox today.

[Adam Carolla]

Moving on, getting cathartic.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Here's a story about sandwiches, gays and cheese.

[Adam Carolla]

Your two favorite topics.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Next story. Next. Wow. Yeah. Is that who you want? Getting married?

[Giovanni]

Gays.

[R. Lee Ermey]

They are married. Lynn and Alex are married.

[Adam Carolla]

I forgot.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah. Okay. There's a guy in New York and he sells grilled cheese sandwiches, but he uses a model that has been established by drug dealers.

[Giovanni]

Joel Butchen.

[R. Lee Ermey]

He sells the Giselle sandwich. The cheese is made with breast milk. No. He takes orders from customers via text message. He hands off the product in a paper bag while the customers hand over the cash. Just like a drug dealer would do. He's identified only as Ronnie, this New Yorker. And admittedly, he's taken a bite out of the drug dealer's business model. He cooks up the famous grilled cheese sandwiches in his brother's apartment, then makes the deliveries charging between five and seven dollars a pop. He's become so successful that he finds himself making up to 40 sandwiches a day.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, that can start to add up. And what's the deal? I mean, obviously he makes a hell of a grilled cheese sandwich and some guy brings it over on a bicycle and because you feel like it's exclusive.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Like, I have this guy's text number, so I'm gonna text in my grilled cheese. I mean, that'd be kind of fun. Say if you were on a date, like, are you hungry? I'm hungry. Would you like the most amazing grilled cheese you ever had? Let me text.

[Adam Carolla]

I was thinking surf and turf, but grilled cheese.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I only have text for the grilled cheese guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Next.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Joe Simpson, your favorite.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He's at the light.

[R. Lee Ermey]

He's in the news.

[Adam Carolla]

I like a preacher with frosted tips, earrings, and can't stop talking about his daughter's cans.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Well, in this case, he can't stop ruining her career. At least that's the report. You know, there was a lot of talk that she was going to be on American Idol.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. But sources close mean she was going to be one of the judges.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[R. Lee Ermey]

But sources close to the situation say Joe Simpson ruined everything. They say Idol producers really like Jessica, but they decided to go with Jennifer. Lopez instead because Joe was being too demanding.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, listen, you want my daughter in her big jugs to show up? You know, she's gonna need a town car for her. She's gonna need stretch limo for big jugs. She's gonna need a trailer for her. She's gonna need another trailer for jugs. She's gonna need a bottle of wine for her. And actually a jug for jugs, because they drink from a jug. Oh, man, is she hot. Boy, I'd love to TF my daughter. Man, she's smoking.

[R. Lee Ermey]

What about Ashley?

[Adam Carolla]

Ashley? Well, haven't we figured out that both of them are sort of talentless?

[R. Lee Ermey]

There's a chance that Jessica might have some singing talent.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But not Ashley. We heard Ashley attempt to sing.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah, there was that SNL fiaschio.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then also, like, the Gator Ball.

[Giovanni]

I was there. It was the orange ball.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't ever correct me on it. Ever. Ever.

[Giovanni]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, she was doing Second City.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Is that the one that doesn't count anymore?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Giovanni]

That never happened.

[Adam Carolla]

She. She was at the. So you were there?

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And what happened?

[Giovanni]

I was walking in the concourse area. Think I'm gonna buy some souvenirs because we're beating Oklahoma by 35 points. And all of a sudden, I hear this crazy booing, and I'm like, what could possibly be going on right now? That all this. It was a. The whole stadium was booing. And it was. Turned out it was Ashley Citizen. I mean, I found this out, you know, days later.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Any of her?

[Giovanni]

No, I couldn't. I couldn't hear what was going on, but I heard everyone. I'm like, why is there booing going on? It's middle halftime.

[Adam Carolla]

And that was Ashley singing.

[Giovanni]

Turns out later I found out Ashley Simpson.

[Adam Carolla]

And then she went on SNL and couldn't sing either.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, her backing tracking track didn't start.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

She said she had acid reflux.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So she has a horrible voice. She's. She was sort of talentless with a big nose, and the other one was semi talented with big boobs. So she got the nod.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Right. And then Ashley got the nose job, which is one of the most phenomenal nose jobs in the history of Hollywood, if you ask me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Really good.

[Adam Carolla]

Most. A lot of performers, like Barbra Streisand wouldn't get a nose job because she'd be scared to screw up her voice.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Oh, she wouldn't touch her nose. Yeah. Because even though it's arguably sizable.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[R. Lee Ermey]

She's got the voice. You can't. You Can't.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But if you have. If you have a horrible voice, then who cares? Someone punch you in the nose?

[R. Lee Ermey]

Ashley Simpson's really more about the face. You know, if you fix that and you just get a backing track.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. It's a great time.

[Giovanni]

She got the chin job, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it looks to me looks like it, but. Yeah, but also her sister has a lot of chin, too, so I don't know that she got the chin job.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Pretty sure she got a chin.

[Adam Carolla]

It looks like it. Yeah. But sometimes also pictures are tough because the angles and whatever. But her sister has that cleft and the. Whatever chin thing going too. So at least she just brought herself up to her sister standards.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Jessica has a certain charm that's undeniable.

[Adam Carolla]

She does.

[R. Lee Ermey]

And she's sexual napalm, if you ask John Mayer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Aren't you curious now, like, what constitutes sexual napalm to John Mayer?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he loves the smell of it in the morning. That much we know.

[Giovanni]

Does smell like victory.

[Adam Carolla]

I could definitely see her being, you know, fun in the sack because there's a couple of things that make her fun in the sack. She's got a few curves on her.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

These. These sort of twiggy wavy models that kind of built like teenage boys. It doesn't seem like Kate Moss. Doesn't seem like a party in the sack. And then she grew up with a. Like a preacher for a dad that just goes ahead that you just. You just ratchet up the sex right there because everything is taboo and daddy would hate and you know what I'm saying?

[R. Lee Ermey]

I think you just put the nail on it. Forgot about that.

[Giovanni]

Mix in a little bit of dump, too. I mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Mixing a little dumb.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I Kind of curious, like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. I've never had a. In my ear before. Oh, my God.

[R. Lee Ermey]

That's kind of fun. It tickles.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't. Don't ever get that drop. Don't ever discount. Don't ever discount the. I'm gonna. I got this weird shame based religious brought up, told to keep my virginity. Lots of talks about purity and being wholesome and all that kind of stuff. And then all of a sudden, John Mayer just fucking pulls a ripcord on my pussy parachute.

[R. Lee Ermey]

So if I see a purity ring, look out.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's like this. People that are normal, who grow up in normal environments where they're. They're not uptight, you know what I mean? They don't have weirdo youth, youth counselor dad filling their head with a bunch of shit. They just sort of. Their sexuality Sort of leaks out a little bit at a time, you know what I mean? But they never get that pressure cooker boiling up, that napalm boiling in that pressure cooker. You know what I'm saying? You could see her dad having talks with her when she was 16 or 15 and a half. Listen, hold on. Let me put my other stud earring on. Hold on. How my tips look? Excellent. Okay, now listen. You got those huge jugs.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Those big juicy tea cups, dad. Beautiful supple powders with the massive areolas. And there could be plenty of boys that are going to want to get their hands. Neigh mouth. Beautiful, beautiful, milky, milky, smooth, white, heaving jugs of yours, okay? They're going to want to do things called the motorboat. There's something called TF ing that I got. Honey, get. Get the dry erase board. I gotta draw this one out. Hold on. How my tips looking?

[R. Lee Ermey]

Can we end family meeting?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. But point is this. You don't give it up. Don't give it up for none of them. At some point, some guy coming along playing the blues guitar, some skinny white guy with a cool haircut who wears one of them Borat Speedos on a cruise ship, he's gonna want to get at the milky white jugs. Don't you let him touch it, dad. Don't you let him get near those big, heaving, inflated, milky, beautiful, supple and.

[Brian Bishop]

Soft to the touch.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Just Ew.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Don't you ever let him do that. You keep your purity for some guy in a boy's band. All right. This has been a wonderful reenactment, dad. Okay, can we have a catch? Yeah, let's have a catch. Catch those big jugs of yours. All right? Now, what happens when that chick cuts it loose?

[R. Lee Ermey]

Napalm.

[Adam Carolla]

Napalm.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Explosive.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Versus the slowly. Yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I'm gonna experiment with.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to get the second base? Yeah. You're 13. You're old enough.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Have fun.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I saw.

[Adam Carolla]

Put a towel down. I want to fuck up the car seat.

[R. Lee Ermey]

What about Laurie Singer in Footloose when her dad's John Lithgow and he's the preacher and then she's wild.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

No, listen, it's what. What happens when you try to suppress it?

[R. Lee Ermey]

It's just gonna get more napalmy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Mm.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Well, this is great. We have more news.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[R. Lee Ermey]

But for now, that's it.

[Adam Carolla]

More of Teresa's news coming up. If you don't listen, you're an anti Semite. We'll do a little Totally topical TiVo trivia. This is actual TiVo descriptions as made by TiVo. We will remove. Hold on a second, Brian. We'll remove the celebrities and the stars of the movie, so it's not to tip it. First, I should point out to everyone that we're on a little something called Stitcher. Stitcher is an app, and you can go to stitcher.com and you can download this app for free, and then you can listen to this show for free on your free Stitcher app. That's right. IPhone, BlackBerry, Android, and Palm. It's all right on. Goes right on. No problemo. And again, you don't download this show. It's just there. It streams. That's the beauty of it. You don't have to put it on your computer and download it and do whatever. So go to stitcher.com and we also will provide a little bonus stuff for you, like when I hung out with Lisa Lampanelli and talked her ass off for 10 minutes yesterday. Again, stitcher.com here at the Adam Carolla show, [e-mail]. all right, now, little totally topical TiVo trivia. Let's play totally topical Tebow trivia time today.

[Brian Bishop]

By the way, ace, what you were saying about the preacher's daughter.

[Adam Carolla]

Right on. And it gets even uglier and better.

[Brian Bishop]

In your favor when the preacher knows about you.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. And doesn't like you. So you're saying you were the Kevin Bacon. Right.

[Brian Bishop]

The funniest part was she.

[Adam Carolla]

Her daddy was a rich preacher, and he leased her a Range Rover and.

[Brian Bishop]

Said, you break up with that guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Or I'm gonna take away your Range Rover. But, I mean, to be fair to him, Dawson, I don't feel like anybody will. Anyone's dad would be delighted if you pulled up on your longboard.

[Brian Bishop]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

With your bonk.

[Brian Bishop]

Right, Dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Being pulled by her dog.

[Brian Bishop]

I think that's why she liked me, though.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I represented the devil for her. Yeah. So bad boy.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, first of five wins.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Brian Bishop]

In 1950s Connecticut, two suburbanites.

[Adam Carolla]

Revolutionary Road from 2008.

[Brian Bishop]

Jesus.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I should have said my name.

[Giovanni]

Feel free to ring out your name. Teresa.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

During World War II, members of an all black unit.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam Miracle St. Anne from 2008. Tied up. Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Champ Rocky Balboa.

[Adam Carolla]

Train trains. Brian.

[Giovanni]

Oh, well, he was the Adam Rocky 4 from 1985. The key there was Champ Rocket.

[Adam Carolla]

Although he wasn't a champ, is what I thought about with everyone's got one now everybody's got one. Filmmaker Christopher Bell examines the use of steroids Adam. Bigger. Stronger, faster. America.

[Brian Bishop]

Just bigger.

[Adam Carolla]

Stronger.

[Brian Bishop]

Faster is fine.

[Adam Carolla]

From 2008. We had him on our show.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah, it was a good movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, great documentary. Two guys party when they're bumped off boss. Adam.

[Giovanni]

Damn it.

[Adam Carolla]

Weekend at Bernie's. Yeah.

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

From 1989. Oh, wait a second. What? I got three. And T's got one. And Brian's got one, I believe. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Commanding lead.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Brian, I need you to.

[Giovanni]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

In Boston and undercover.

[Giovanni]

Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

Teresa.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Oh, this is. Wait, I know this one. Okay, this is. It's got Leonardo DiCaprio and it's called the one where.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I know it. He looks all. Grows up in it. And he's a cop. And then Jack Nicholson's there.

[Giovanni]

Brian.

[Gina Grad]

Fuck.

[Giovanni]

The Departed.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[R. Lee Ermey]

This ain't reality tv, but come on. Shouldn't I get, like, half a point?

[Adam Carolla]

You shouldn't.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I named the entire half.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Three, two, one. Damn it.

[Brian Bishop]

A perpetual bridesmaid balks.

[Giovanni]

Brian. 27 dresses.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. I was gonna say that. God damn it.

[R. Lee Ermey]

You are gay for saying.

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now Brian's got three.

[Brian Bishop]

Brian did not get a point for that.

[Adam Carolla]

What? Three. Three. A newly promoted field agent, Brian, size.

[Brian Bishop]

Of the lambs, partnered with a veteran.

[Adam Carolla]

Partnered with veteran agent 99. Adam. Wow. Get smart. From 2008. So you went a little too fast on that one. All right. Four, three, one.

[Brian Bishop]

In post war Germany, a teenager has a love affair.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Teresa the reader.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Giovanni]

Good job.

[Brian Bishop]

J.J. mcClure, his mechanic and other veteran competitors.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam. Gumball rally.

[Brian Bishop]

Enter another cross country auto race.

[Giovanni]

Brian. Cannonball Run 2.

[Brian Bishop]

Cannonball Run 2.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus.

[Brian Bishop]

Ace and Brian tied it 4.

[Adam Carolla]

God damn. Should have got that one.

[Brian Bishop]

Teresa.

[Adam Carolla]

Still in the game. Two Jamaicans.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam.

[Giovanni]

Oh, damn it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Two Jamaicans. Cool Runnings. From 1990. The game goes to the Ace, man. Wow. Wow, wow. In your head. Tumor. In your head. Two Jamaicans. I thought it was like eight Jamaicans.

[R. Lee Ermey]

They were a bobsled team, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Two man bobsled. Wow.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Nice going.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Wow.

[Giovanni]

Cool runnings. Two Jamaicans. What else could it possibly be?

[R. Lee Ermey]

Is there another movie with two Jamaicans?

[Adam Carolla]

I thought that movie had, like eight Jamaicans in it.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Well, I'm sure there were other Jamaicans, but they weren't part of the bobsled team.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I want to say this. I'd like to be magnanimous first.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Well, it's going to be tough.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a spectacular round there. I don't think there were more than three words given on any of the descriptions before, with the exception of your departed Hiccups without that abortion. That aside, that was a very fast. Everyone was on their game. Even my slip up with my gumball rally. The gumball rally and the Cannonball Run is essentially the same.

[R. Lee Ermey]

We should fix that in post and.

[Adam Carolla]

Make ourselves sound better.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a win you can be proud of.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm really proud of that win. Thank you. Hey, hey. That one is for my kids, if you're listening. All right, should we bring out our guest, Dan Milano? Yeah. So cocky, Brian. That's why I like getting them. Yeah. Dan Milano is Warren the Ape, which airs on mtv. Hi. Have a seat there. Dan. Good to see you. Mondays at 10:30. Good. Good to see you, my brother.

[Gary]

Hey, thanks for having me.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. Well, what do we need to know about the show? Describe it in a. Describe it in a nutshell or banana skin.

[Gary]

Parody of follow reality shows that attempts to blur the real life tragedy, which was our sitcom career, with the fictional life of its star, which is a puppet named Warren the Ape. We had a show on Fox called Greg the Bunny with Seth Green, Sarah Silverman, Eugene Levy and this cast of puppet stars. And the show was canceled.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember it well. 2000 somewhere. 2001.

[Gary]

2001. And so since then, our concept is that the main character, Warren has been, you know, drinking and whoring and boozing and basically living the life of a train wreck. And then enter Drew Pinsky.

[Adam Carolla]

Dr. Drew trying to get him on.

[Gary]

The straight and narrow. Legs are too short to reach the ground.

[Adam Carolla]

What the doctor Drew in the. His Drew.

[R. Lee Ermey]

And I understand from his work in New York Minute that he's quite an actor.

[Gina Grad]

Yes.

[Gary]

I think he worked with Eugene Levy in that movie and must have quite an impression. He plays himself very well. I can say that.

[Adam Carolla]

What happened to Greg the Bunny? Was it ahead of its time where it was a network not ready for puppet?

[Gary]

Well, I'm always biased, but I'll say this. If you have to go into a boardroom and pitch a show as trippy as that, you're sort of already at a loss. And we had done some stuff on the Independent Film Channel and Public Access that sort of sort of tested the characters and that helped us out a little bit. But mostly we really wanted to do a show like we're doing now, like a documentary type show. We were pointing at shows like Larry Sanders. You know, we wanted to do behind the scenes of a sitcom, but the Office didn't exist yet. Curb youb Enthusiasm didn't exist yet.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gary]

And as you may know, if you can't Point to another show that the network can mimic. They have a very hard time conceiving.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Right. It has to be Sex and the City in space.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right.

[Gary]

And as a result, our show sort of became more of like a workplace comedy. And you had these great improv actors like Eugene Levy and Sarah Silverman being told to stick to the script and, you know, just have this very traditional sort of sitcom workplace comedy, which we're proud of. But what we really much more appreciate what we're doing now because the whole show's done in improvisation, which is really trippy.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, like Curb youb Enthusiasm has an outline. So they always say for the script.

[Gary]

And we try to do that too.

[Adam Carolla]

And you have an outline, and then you improvise within that outline.

[Gary]

So Pinsky will know, for example, okay, so this week, Warren's coming in. He's particularly angry. We'd love you to talk to him about getting him in anger management, because this episode is going to deal with that. Other than that, go for it. We're going to sit down and just start talking.

[Adam Carolla]

It's smart because in comedy, the part where you sort of memorize it and try to regurgitate it, sometimes you get up in your head about it, and there's nothing less funny than trying to memorize something and trying to sort it. It's so much more organic. And what you do is you don't make a rule. You just find people who can do it.

[Gary]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe when Dr. Pinsky was working with the aforementioned twins, the Olsen twins. Well, maybe they weren't the greatest improvisational comedians, so they had to stay on book, as they say.

[Gary]

I heard Mike Nichols wanted to direct that film, but it just didn't pay up.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah, it didn't work with his schedule.

[Adam Carolla]

What if you got Eugene Levy? Or you have Dr. Drew? And again, Dr. Drew. Not, not, not a comedic fountain, but certainly a guy who's well versed at speaking off the cuff because that's what he does and has done for a living.

[Gary]

He's absolutely committed to the reality of the scene. And then obviously, we're working with puppets. So myself or another puppeteer is always just outside the frame. And so the person has to be willing to talk to and deal with my arm, basically.

[R. Lee Ermey]

So you actually are the puppeteer?

[Gary]

Yeah, I perform Warren and the character Greg the Bunny as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there, by the way, do you get certified to be a puppeteer? Like, could I call myself a puppeteer if I put my hand in a sock for a weekend? Can I walk around?

[Gary]

Puppeteers are certifiable. But no, there's no. We'll let any. But Raymond Asshole be a puppeteer. To quote Breakfast Club, I. I did not get any professional training. I just was obsessed with the Muppets as a kid. And I used to practice in front of a mirror. And then I actually became self conscious once I entered society proper and put puppets away and obsessed over other things. And then, you know, myself and a couple of buddies, Spencer Chanel and Sean Baker, we graduated film school. We were frustrated. We got a public access show. We started creating these characters and just riffing with them, and that's sort of how the personalities got formed. And by the time we sold the show to Fox, you know, we were all sort of built in.

[Adam Carolla]

We worked with a lot of puppeteers doing Crank Yankers. And they're definitely, definitely a breed apart cats.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Like, are they sort of like magicians?

[Adam Carolla]

They're like unattractive magicians. Yeah, like ugly. I mean, you know, magicians. You know, if Copperfield was several hundred pounds and didn't shave his back, it had us early.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Adam, that would be a puppeteer.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gary]

They put their hands in more things than they, you know, pull out. They don't pull rabbits out of their hats. They put their fists in rats. Right. We have a lot of people in common from Crank Anchors, our line producer.

[Adam Carolla]

I imagine, because there's a handful, if you will. Yeah. There's really just a few people that do this stuff and do it well. There's only so many shows to do it. Yes. I would imagine a lot of the Crank Anchors folks are now.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I love the Muppets, too. When I was a kid. Love the Muppets.

[Gary]

What really was great about the Muppets to me was the fact that, especially in the movies and stuff, that they were incorporated into the real world. And you saw Kermit the Frog ride his bike down a real street and talk to real people. And it sort of had this odd. This odd feeling of a minority like, that you could possibly go to the bank and maybe one of the tellers would. Would be this little guy made of foam, you know? And were you racist if you waited for the human teller, you know, because those goofy Muppets don't count very well. So you're racist and you're saying, I don't want a puppet teller.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that they can't count. I like when Miss Piggy would go on the Tonight show and stuff like that. It was just. I don't know, there was something about. I don't know. It's like they were like breaking down the fourth wall. Hey, but listen, I'm the guy like the alf. So look out world. Alpha's one of those me too. Weird sitcoms. I know, it's a weird sitcom where like, like you'd go like, I remember when it was out, like, I don't know, was it what, late 80s, early.

[Giovanni]

90S, but no, mid ladies.

[Adam Carolla]

Mid to late 80s. Mid to late 80s. And it was always one of those weird little secrets at comps where like if you got drunk and you're talking to someone and they want to know what TV show you like, you'd go, sometimes I watch alf and they'd go, me too. It was like a weird little secret. It was kind of a funny sitcom.

[Gary]

We're trying to get ALF on our show. We would love to cross pollinate and have puppets on our show.

[Adam Carolla]

What the fuck is he doing?

[Gary]

His reps are very tight lipped about it. They're probably just waiting to see how our show does first. But we'd like. We'd loved him for Warren. You know, me, alf. Maybe ALF could be his sponsor. Maybe he's somebody who did clean up his act.

[Adam Carolla]

I hear he's in Celebrity Rehab.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I was just thinking, I used to.

[Gary]

Joke he was in Betty Ford. But I mean, yeah, we'd love to show the way, you know, you'd guest star on a show like Curb youb Enthusiasm and have an actor play themselves. We'd love to have these puppets come on our show. You love Cats, you know.

[Giovanni]

Remember his name?

[Gary]

Gordon Shumway.

[Brian Bishop]

Gordon Shumway.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Giovanni]

Well done.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary]

Oh yeah, no, of course. I mean I loved all that stuff. And we're just trying to do our version of it.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a spooky version like a Kuklafran and Ollie version and a Beanie Boy version. Beanie and Cecil. There's been a couple of weird creepy show. A Kuklafran and Ollie. You gotta find a picture of that.

[Gary]

They used to beat each other severely, those puppets.

[R. Lee Ermey]

For the uninitiated, they were violent. I don't think I've seen. And I'm familiar with.

[Adam Carolla]

ALF and Beanie were weird too.

[R. Lee Ermey]

ALF lived with a family of humans.

[Gary]

He was an alien who landed on Earth and they found him and took him in.

[Giovanni]

He was from planet Milmac, hid with them.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Okay. Like an et.

[Adam Carolla]

How old was alf?

[Gary]

Alf probably was an answer to et.

[R. Lee Ermey]

That'S what I'm saying.

[Gary]

Culturally, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. There's a alien life form.

[Gary]

That's what it's called.

[Adam Carolla]

Kukla Fran and Ollie. And there's pictures of Ollie that are even more frightening. A lot of 50s. A lot of scary 50s puppets. Punch and Judy and like I said. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Gary]

That's a Lazy Eyes there.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at that.

[Gary]

Well, King Friday from.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Gary]

He was the scariest puppet of all.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, what was king Friday from?

[Gary]

Mr. Rogers neighborhood.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mike August]

And the voice of Fred Rogers. Very creepy.

[R. Lee Ermey]

What's the difference between, like, a ventriloquist, say, personality and a puppeteer, personality wise?

[Gary]

I don't know. I think the ventriloquist wants to be on stage and wants to impress you with the fact that his mouth isn't moving, whereas the puppeteer is content not to be seen at all. In fact, wants to be hidden and just have you focus on the puppet. Maybe puppeteers are just not very good ventriloquists because their mouths are moving. But for whatever reason that's interesting.

[R. Lee Ermey]

You'd prefer to be behind. Literally behind the scenes.

[Gary]

Yeah. Ideally. Ideally, you shouldn't be seeing me. And it should be about the character. Although we don't for one minute assume people forget it's a puppet. But hopefully, if we achieve something, you know, maybe for two seconds, you believe in something. We do the way I once believed in the Muppet Movie.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah. Kermit was so real to me and kind of still is.

[Gary]

Yeah. You just accept it. And even when you see Jim Henson holding him, you'd still. There's still some magic there.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let's not forget Triumph the Insult Dog. I love that guy.

[R. Lee Ermey]

And that guy would be integrated into the real world with.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary]

Robert Smibel. Just, like, show up unannounced at, you know, at events and do his thing. And people always talk to the puppet. We used to do stuff in Washington Square park on a public access show. It would amaze me how many people would we'd walk up to, whether it be, like, you know, Wall street guys or crack addicts. And everyone just wants to talk to the puppet.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. It is a weird thing as a human being, and I guess it's nice because it's sort of the same part of our brain that lets us enjoy movies. Like, you're watching a movie, you recognize the people in the movie. You know it's a movie.

[Gary]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But yet you're still in the movie. Yeah. And I guess it's the same part of your brain that's able to talk to a piece of plastic with fake fur stuck to it. Right. That's insulting you. Right. Yeah.

[Gary]

Well, we hope it's Suspension of disbelief kind of carries you on. But I've had people watch our episode so far, and these are people that work in the industry and make television for a living. And they say, how'd you get the puppet to drive around the corner and crash his car? Or, you know, did you really hit Seth Green with a car? You know, and it's amazing to me that they believe in it that much, because the answer is, of course not. Of course we didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

It's fake.

[Gary]

But that's awesome. You know, if we shoot the stuff handheld and kind of telephoto, and there's a little improv in the scene, and we sort of COVID the seams of the editing really well for a few seconds, you feel like maybe this thing is really happening.

[Adam Carolla]

I did the new Gong show with Triumph the Insult Dog. And the big thing is his cigar would fall out of his mouth every time he start. He had like 200 cigars. Had to keep shoving the cigar into the mouth, and then he'd start talking, it would fall out. I mean, it was one of these things where, of course, if it's being held in by his mouth and then he's going to move his mouth, it's going to.

[Mike August]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

It's going to fall out, get along.

[R. Lee Ermey]

No, it's true. But part of his charm is how cheaply built he is, which goes to.

[Gary]

Show how little you need also to make a character. I mean, if Robert Smigel's personality is big enough, and it is, then you believe in that character, even though he's just a little rubber thing. Our puppets are very low fidelity as well. We don't think you need a lot of bells and whistles, and we also can't afford it. So that works out nice. But I'll say, when we were at Comic Con recently, we were doing signings, and I had the puppet, and people would just run up and shove the autograph in the puppet's face. And I'm like, yeah, not. Not the best with pens. Stick a pen in the puppet's mouth and have him sign or whatever. We just sign a big crooked X. And I'm like, well, that's literally his signature. Yeah, but it's the fact that no one would even think twice about handing a pen to a piece of cloth. That's amazing. I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, those guys are pretty beaked up on Tang, to be fair. Yes, it's a lot of those guys. At Comic Con.

[Gary]

Dice Rollers of America.

[R. Lee Ermey]

You are reworking the film Short Circuit.

[Gary]

Yes. Yeah, I did A. I did a couple drafts of that for Dimension Films.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I feel like that was Brian's favorite movie of 1986, Johnny 5.

[Giovanni]

He's alive.

[Gary]

No disassemble.

[Giovanni]

Didn't Fisher Stevens played.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, Fisher Stevens played the. No, you cannot watch the late night movie.

[Gary]

Johnny 5 is the original Apu.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's the original Apu.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Fisher Stevens. A lot of range.

[Gary]

Everyone loves.

[Adam Carolla]

Gutenberg was in that, right? Yeah.

[Gary]

Steve Guttenberg, they.

[Adam Carolla]

And they did two or three of them.

[Gary]

They did two. The second was with Michael McKeon. The first had Ali Sheedy. I tried to write cameos for everybody. I don't know, though. The relationship between the writer and the finished product is a very tenuous one. So I have no idea what they'll ultimately do. But I was happy with the script and I tried to wrote right parts for everyone in the original movie. And I named the cat Goots.

[Adam Carolla]

It's always good, too, at the beginning when, like, they are like, Ally Sheedy and Number Five argue over there. And at some point they go, you overgrown bucket of bald, get out of here. There was always some sort of insult that ends with, bucket of.

[Gary]

Your mama was a Snowblower.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gary]

And other classics.

[Adam Carolla]

So you think that movie's gonna get made?

[Gary]

I don't know. Because it's a franchise. I think it has a shot. I know they're attaching a director right now, but I don't know. It's Dimension Films, and I don't. You know, I. Ultimately, once the writer turns in his draft and they say, thank you very much. The check clears, and then you hope for the best.

[Adam Carolla]

T bone. Yeah, let's hope for the best in the rest of your news. And now the Rest of the News with Teresa Strasser.

[Giovanni]

Brian, my cans aren't working. I hear nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't hear what I'm playing. I can't hear anything either. So it's two of us.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Your cans aren't working.

[Gary]

I enjoyed it.

[Adam Carolla]

Still smarting over his loss. I can't hear anything either.

[Giovanni]

I think you and I are on the same headphone jack behind you. You know what I'm saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe that's what's going on. All right, I'll try to take care of that technical stuff.

[Gary]

I found it fairly enjoyable.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I enjoyed it, too.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm gonna loosen my cans up, and you can start with the news. Thibault.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Okay. Well, we've been talking about the Angelina Jolie book by Andrew Morton, the Unauthorized Bio, and there didn't seem to be very Many really big revelations.

[Adam Carolla]

Most of the stuff I'd learned on watching, like, an E. True Hollywood Story from seven years ago.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Well, finally one I hadn't heard before, and it's pretty juicy.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[R. Lee Ermey]

According to Andrew Morton's Tell all, at one point, Angelina Jolie hired a hitman to kill herself.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[R. Lee Ermey]

She went through.

[Adam Carolla]

There we go. Now it's working.

[R. Lee Ermey]

There we go. She went through a bit of depression, suicidal thoughts, Andrew Morton said on Fox News, Fox and Friends. He went on to say, on one occasion, she said she hired a hitman and she was going to pay by installments. For whatever reason, she never went through with it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd be a great hitman for Angelina Jolie. So it'd be like, all right, we're gonna need half now and then half after I rape you. Sorry. As a hit.

[R. Lee Ermey]

And then.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, shit, did I say that out loud? Right? I meant. Sorry. Half now, then half after I killed.

[Gary]

Make it look like an accident.

[Mike August]

Right, right.

[R. Lee Ermey]

So there's an attempted race.

[Adam Carolla]

This rape will definitely look like. I mean, damn it. Sorry, I was just raping, so it's on my mind. Sorry, what are we talking about again? Oh, yeah. Half now, half after the killing. Sorry. That's right. There'll be no raping your corpse. That's for damn sure.

[Gary]

But if they were to find.

[Adam Carolla]

But if they were to find some semen, I do feel like that would, you know, throw them off. No one's going to think you killed yourself with a penis.

[Gary]

They won't jump to the first conclusion, which is she hired a hitman to kill herself, which I think most would.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So again, you know what? Why don't you sleep on the rape?

[R. Lee Ermey]

I didn't even present the rape. The rape was totally your idea. I just wanted you to kill me because I'm depressed.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay? I thought I heard rape.

[R. Lee Ermey]

At what point did I hear you?

[Adam Carolla]

I just heard you say rape. I said done and done. Let's get the raping over with, then we can focus on the killing.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Do you know any other hitmen? Because I don't think this is really a good match.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they're all. But believe me, they're more into rape than I am. They'll bring rape up long before I will.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I'm gonna hang myself.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, how about a blowjob? How about half a blowjob now and then half on completion? All right, listen. You know what? Forget I even brought up rape. Just come to my custom van and I will kill you.

[R. Lee Ermey]

You know what? I'm gonna drown myself if It's. Oh, you know what?

[Adam Carolla]

No. You get all bloated.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah, I have some pills.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll take care of the corpse. You kill yourself. Let me handle the corpse.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah, but now I don't feel right because I'm gonna od and then you're gonna come in and have your way.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no. I'll take you out and give you a decent burial. See where you keep the condoms.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Seems like she's so fertile she could get pregnant post mortem.

[Gary]

That's probably. Look what we found. Well, her legacy will live on.

[Adam Carolla]

This stuff. I mean, this stuff about hiring a.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Hitman, it's actually kind of amazing because if you've ever had suicidal thoughts.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[R. Lee Ermey]

You know, it naturally goes. It gets. You have. They're practicing, right?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, you know, suicidal thought as you do.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Or six years, when you think, I'd like to shuffle off these mortal coils and get the fuck out of here. You think, well, I don't want to take too many. First of all, how do I get my hands on all those pills then?

[Adam Carolla]

What if.

[R. Lee Ermey]

If it goes bad and they just pump my stomach and it's embarrassing.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I'll be pumping your stomach. I'll be pumping a lot more in your stomach.

[Gary]

Outsource it. You just say, you know what? Someone else could do this.

[R. Lee Ermey]

It doesn't really seem to be a good way. Like hanging yourself just seems like violent. I'm not really. The physics of it are confusing.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[R. Lee Ermey]

People do it successfully all the time, you know?

[Gary]

You know, that's an embarrassment if you get it wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Angelina, in order to make this seem a little more viable, you know, the suicide thing. Why don't you go ahead and call one of those rape. I mean, suicide prevention hotline. Call that. Get a call in, hang up, they'll trace you back to your house. And then later on after I kill you, you know, it'll be more. What? You know, we'll have that on the record.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I don't know how long you've been a hitman, but I feel like you're not listening to me. I don't want people to think I'm killing myself. That's why I'm hiring you. To make it look like someone just murdered me. So if I call a suicide hotline.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, well, you just keep bringing up rape, so I'm confused now. I'm in.

[Gary]

May I suggest a sniper? Because they're just voyeurs. They just like to watch. They sort of just masturbate from long distance. They don't need to touch. They don't need tactile. Hey, snipers.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. I know this black guy hides in a trunk with a teenager. Malvo, he'll get you from 700 bases.

[R. Lee Ermey]

He. I think he's. He's doing a bit upstate.

[Gary]

Pretty sure he's dead.

[Adam Carolla]

He's upstate.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I think. Malvo, the kid's still around.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, kid's around. All right. Well, when he gets paroled, I'll see about that.

[R. Lee Ermey]

It's not hard to find a good sniper. Somebody's come back from the war. Maybe they need a couple bucks.

[Gary]

Yeah, by the time you found. But, yeah, it's hard to find one. By the time you found one. It's kind of too late anyway.

[R. Lee Ermey]

You don't want to jump off a.

[Gary]

Bridge and they reveal themselves.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll go on Angie's list, try to.

[Gary]

Jump off the bridge. And then a freaking angel shows up and shows you what your life could have been. All that bullshit. Nobody wants that all the time, but apparently that's painful.

[R. Lee Ermey]

It's like hitting bricks, you know?

[Giovanni]

Sign that a good sniper. No reviews on any of the list.

[R. Lee Ermey]

No reviews.

[Giovanni]

That's not a good sniper.

[R. Lee Ermey]

What about on Yelp?

[Adam Carolla]

Gets it done.

[R. Lee Ermey]

The first time I yelped you, and it turns out you've raped a lot of people that you said you were gonna kill and you got like two stars.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm a contract rape. I mean, killer. So she didn't really do this. She thought about it or some bullshit like that. Here's what I'm saying, everyone. Whenever somebody writes a tell all book or somebody writes a book, tell a book about somebody else. They always do the flirted with suicide. Who hasn't technically thought, what would it be like to be dead? You know what I mean? Which is. Which is a far cry from jumping off, you know, the Golden Gate Bridge and surviving.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Well, there are. There are apparently levels that therapists look for to see whether or not they should be concerned. Lynch was telling me because one day I was depressed and he pulled some technical thing. Like, one day, oh, no. You don't have a plan of whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you need a plan.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah, I don't have a weapon or something. So he's like, I don't worry about it. You're at a two.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, call me when you're one.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I was at a one. I was. Yeah, I said call. You did call me. Three and a half, right? When you have a plan and a weapon and start giving away your Right. Yeah, but you're right. Who hasn't been at a level one.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. We've all been there for the last 30 years there now.

[Gary]

Just thinking about taking a wrench, taking the air. Yeah. I like to kill Professor Plum style. Candlesticks. Yeah, I just think it's more traditional.

[R. Lee Ermey]

And then make a better obit.

[Gary]

It's romantic. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary]

All you need is a weapon, a location.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Well, you've heard of colorful name.

[Giovanni]

Do you have a study? Because that would really aid you in your quest.

[Gary]

I always ask for a study in a library, in a foyer whenever I go to move to a new town. You know, I need to.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Perhaps you've heard of the duggar family of 19 kids and counting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Mom Michelle Duggar and husband Jim Bob say they're not opposed to having more children. They went on The Today Show. 43 year old Michelle said we would do it again. In the fact that here we have this precious gift. It's a miracle. It really is. Their 19th child, Josie, was born last December and weighed 1 pound 6 ounces.

[Adam Carolla]

The first 14 are a miracle. After that.

[Gary]

19 is not a miracle. That's biology. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Small country.

[Gary]

That sounds like a small child too.

[R. Lee Ermey]

It's very small.

[Gary]

It's teensy. That might be a kangaroo baby. Like one of those little grubs that.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Crawls like a marsupial that's just half cooked.

[Gary]

Yeah, yeah. They should check and make sure.

[Adam Carolla]

It's abuse. It's abuse. It's abuse to have more than like six kids.

[R. Lee Ermey]

We were talking about this and then somebody, one of somebody who had seven kids, tweeted me to stop saying it was abuse. But at what point? Seven seems okay, but when you're getting into 19, it seems. Well, first of all, this kid was born 1 pound 6 ounces. And obviously the mom's plumbing there was probably compromised about how many kids she'd already had. I don't know. I'm not an ob gyn, right. But it doesn't seem like you're supposed to have 19 kids.

[Gary]

No, no, look, by 43.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's. Can I say this? We have many rules in this country. I cannot own an alpaca. I'd like to own one, but I cannot. Why? I have neighbors. We live in a society. You couldn't have a rooster at your house, you know what I mean? Unless you're zoned for it. And none of us are. I mean there's just rules that we have. You can't drive without your fucking seatbelt on. Isn't this bigger than that as far as society? And we have helmet laws. As you take a helmet law and you go, hey man, why is it? Why do I got to wear a helmet? I don't want to wear a helmet. I'm an American. Why should I have to wear fucking helmets? Just me and the hog. Well, here's why you have to wear a helmet. Because you could get in an accident and you could not have insurance and you could go into a coma and then it would cost us money, you see. So you getting to an accident with no helmet potentially costs us money.

[Gary]

Impacts the world around you, thus it.

[Adam Carolla]

Impacts the world around you. Thus we're allowed to tell you put a fucking helmet on. Now if we can tell a guy to put a fucking helmet on, can't we tell her to put a fucking helmet on her vagine and put on a raincoat?

[R. Lee Ermey]

Well, here's my confusion. They're very religious and I think they feel that their little miracles are God's will. Now here's where I get confused about God a la carte. Because if everything's God's will, I'm telling you, your 1 pound 6 ounce child did not survive without heroic intervention from the world of science.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right.

[R. Lee Ermey]

So God's will was probably for that tiny baby, sadly to not. Not make it. So pick and choose about God, isn't it?

[Adam Carolla]

Of course. But you can't ask them to make any sense. Anyone who drops the God's will thing, it doesn't fucking know what they're talking about. Of course they don't make any sense, but as a society, we never question them.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Well, Dan Milano is in the movie business. You know him from War and the Ape, which airs on MTV Mondays at 10:30. And he's written a version of Short Circuit. So I'll do a little movie news for you. I don't know if you're aware that Justin Bieber will be starring in a new 3D movie about Justin Bieber. Yeah, it's gonna be the story of Justin Bieber.

[Gary]

Role he was born to play. Just like Drew Penske.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yep. Yes.

[Gary]

In 3D, no less.

[R. Lee Ermey]

A 16 year old pop star.

[Gary]

Don't see a lot of that.

[R. Lee Ermey]

It's gonna include footage from his concerts.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, but you know, he's. I guess he's benign. Yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I don't think he's hurting anybody.

[Gary]

Pocket the money.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. How does this guy get so big?

[R. Lee Ermey]

YouTube.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that what goes on?

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah, he was like one of the. He's a giant YouTube sensation.

[Adam Carolla]

And what kind of songs is he? Rhyming songs about girls that he's not really fucking.

[R. Lee Ermey]

He's into that.

[Giovanni]

Good ones question is that all right?

[Adam Carolla]

I'd love a mandate. I listen. I don't like young pussy singing about older pussy. You know what I mean? Like I didn't like it when Michael Jackson was 8 and he's like hey girl, when we gonna get along? What the fuck are you. You're eight. What are you gonna do? Pull out a double ended dildo? Go to town?

[R. Lee Ermey]

You just came out of some. Someone's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you, you. You got afterbirth on you, buddy. You stick it out here. Girl. I didn't like when Donny Osmond was like nine. He's Mormon and he's nine. Girl, I want to get you load. I wanna. When do what Write what you know.

[Gary]

Yeah, today is Tina top day. A little more like right.

[Giovanni]

You should be 14 year old Leanne rhymes is blue over losing you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right, right. Yeah.

[Gary]

The soul ink of it.

[R. Lee Ermey]

All right. I mean what's really going on in Justin Bieber's world?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Gary]

It's just didn't get the magic the gathering card he wanted, you know. That's got to cause some heartache.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, he should be singing about tater tots and gummy bears like that. And under rose puberty sprung my first pub girl.

[Gary]

I suppose that could cause some drama.

[Mike August]

There's some.

[Gary]

There's some torture in puberty.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Some.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I can just felt my right ball drop. Girl.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Well, no one understands puberty like Diablo Cody who wrote Juno.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Big hit in 2007 with director Jason Reitman. Well, those two have teamed up again. They're gonna be doing a film called Young Adult starring Charlize Theron as a ghostwriter of young adult novels who goes on a mission to reclaim her identity. Reitman will direct and Cody will produce.

[Adam Carolla]

She also wrote the Nation of Terror. Yeah, I think. Is that her thing?

[Gary]

Yeah, Spielberg produces that.

[Adam Carolla]

Jeez.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Have you watched it?

[Gary]

Toni Collette? Yeah, I have. It's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's interesting.

[Gary]

I wouldn't say it. It hooked me, but it's gonna change.

[Adam Carolla]

My name to something cool. I'm really convinced between Diablo Cody and you know, before, you know, my mini driver theory.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I just. I think. I think if her name was just Gertrude Wittenberg, she wouldn't want. I just. I need you know what their own.

[Giovanni]

As a trifecta right there.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going with Colonel Duke lacrosse and that's it.

[R. Lee Ermey]

What about your middle name?

[Adam Carolla]

Dutch?

[R. Lee Ermey]

I thought it was Lakers.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, all right. Yeah. It doesn't make it on anything. Adam Carolla. No. One wants to work with him. They think I'm a Jew or Italian. They don't know what I am. It's confusing. I need a cool name. This is not Diablo Corolla.

[Mike August]

Cobalt.

[Adam Carolla]

Diablo, Cobalt. Cody Corolla. The problem is you have to change it before Cody. Cobalt, Corolla. Fuck, I get tons of work.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Cobalt.

[Adam Carolla]

Cobalt Corolla.

[Gary]

I like cobalt and adamantium.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah, I like that.

[Gary]

Yeah, exactly.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Well, you mentioned Leann Rimes earlier. You're that nerd. According to Star magazine, eternally. Eddie Cibrian is already cheating on girlfriend Leann Rimes. Eddie left his wife Brandi Glanville after having an affair with Leanne. And the new couple recently announced they were moving in together. But the tabloid claims that Eddie has been hooking up with Brandy again behind Leanne's back. Well, she's getting a taste of her own medicine, claims one of Brandy's friends.

[Adam Carolla]

She's blue dogs. His balls are blue. Dogs that bite, you know, bite again. Right. I mean, and just in general, like, if there's a dog and that dog mauls the neighbor's four year old, at some point, even if you give the dog training or what, at some point that dog gets loose, tasted blood, hops on another four year old, right? Yeah. This dog has tasted new pussy. Right? Right. And when you meet a dude, obviously, and you met the dude because he was fucking around on his old, old lady. Well, eventually you become that old lady, Adam.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I feel like this should be a public service announcement. Why don't women understand this? If that's how you got him, that's how you're going to lose him. He's a cheater, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's, it's, it's a very, it's a. It's a pretty simple shift. He's got the old lady. Let me just. Let's do it. Let's bring it down. Let's break it down. Get a hand in, Grab a knee. Let's break it down. Okay, you have a train and you have X's, X's and O's, a lot of X's. You have the train, you have the engine, then you have like the club car and the dining car, and then you have the caboose. At some point, when the engine pulls ahead and pulls the club car ahead, well, it takes its place and the next car has to take its place and it just keeps going. So if you are the wife and you get cheated on and then you're the new chick who gets cheated with, and then you become the wife you slide down the tracks a little bit. Now you're the wife, he can't cheat with you. You're in the old position, he must move ahead. And historically, whether it's, you know, John, Derek or whoever, the fuck. Whoever these guys and whatever they do, this is what they do. They don't just do it once and get it out of their systems. By the way, the guys that don't do it, don't do it.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Absolutely true. There are serial monogamists and then there are cheaters. I mean, we're speaking broadly, obviously. You know, Warren Beatty, after sleeping with 9,000 women, got married to Annette Bening, and they seem happily ever after.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

But that was after a long time of playing the field.

[Adam Carolla]

And who the fuck knows who she's been? Who the hell knows what he's done in the last 20 years with Annette Bening as well.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Right. And we don't know. He wasn't married and cheating. He was just playing the field. It seems like somebody who gets into a committed relationship and really can't kind of stick to it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Doesn't understand the no backsies part is never going to.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So now he's screwing around on LeAnn Rimes. This is why, if you're the wife that gets cheated on for the new chick, just bide your time. Get a Persian cat put on your lap and just say, oh, my pretty. Just, just, just give it time. Just in a smoking jacket. Give it time. One day, a large leather chair face the wall.

[Gary]

Soon enough, he'll come in and you can turn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Turn slowly. Yeah. A nice sized fireplace raging in the back would be nice too.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I really do that and I find it comforting. I pet the Persian cat, but I just go, you know what? Soon enough he's gonna be emotionally distant with you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Whatever he did.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[R. Lee Ermey]

He's gonna continue to do.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Mike Tyson has revealed that he decided to do the 2009 comedy the Hangover because he needed the money for drugs. He told a radio station, I was doing that to supply my drug habit. I said, wow, this is gonna be really good. We're gonna sell this stuff on 42nd street on bootleg and make a lot of money. This is my best thinking on drugs. It wasn't that way. It was an international success. He says he's been sober ever since his four year old daughter Exodus died last year.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a tragic thing. On a treadmill with like a cord around her neck.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Oh, so sad. Yeah, I guess she, this baby Proofing thing is no joke.

[Adam Carolla]

Please. If they're looking to go. If they went off this planet, it's hard to stop.

[R. Lee Ermey]

It's almost like they're just looking for ways.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Like really? You hung yourself on the cord for the drapes?

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. How bad is it at home here? Mush. Just the other day, right? How bad are these strained peas French kissing?

[Gary]

That outlet?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Oh, yeah, the outlets. I gotta start covering those up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You know what? Let them learn.

[Gary]

Survival of the fittest.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[R. Lee Ermey]

You think I should do a Darwin on my baby?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Jeremy London. I don't know if you've heard about this, but he's the actor who claimed that he was kidnapped and forced to do drugs.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[R. Lee Ermey]

There was an upcoming drug test that had to do with the custody battle. But it could just be a coincidence that he was kidnapped and forced to do drugs.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I'm not sure. His ex wife and members of his family are saying that he was not kidnapped, that he has a drug problem. I believe he ended up on Celebrity Rehab.

[Adam Carolla]

Angelina Jolie had him kidnapped. That's what I heard.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah, I think she does.

[Gary]

He's a Brendan Fraser clone.

[Adam Carolla]

Then the guy raped him. Yeah. He also miniature. He's like a pocket sized Brendan Fraser.

[Gary]

Is it Brendan Fraser?

[R. Lee Ermey]

No.

[Gary]

Okay.

[R. Lee Ermey]

It's another Jason. Jason London. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

He was in mall rat against guy here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary]

So he's the new bubble boy or he's the new. This is. This is like something he's perpetrated to get. Get headlines.

[R. Lee Ermey]

We think more like he was trying to get. Get out of trouble. Best guess is he had to take a drug test and he had done drugs, so he had to come up with something.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[R. Lee Ermey]

That's just a guess that members of his family are making. I have no idea. But he's fighting back against his ex wife Melissa's accusations that his kidnapping was actually a drug deal gone bad. He says, I'm done with her. To Radar Online. Once again, she is showing what a lying monster she is when the truth about her comes out. Put two and two together. She's a very sick person and she's no different sober than when she is high on drugs. She doesn't care one bit about the damage she continually does to our child.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary]

Is this something Pinsky hears often? You think like when they, you know, oh, I was kidnapped and forced to do drugs.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't.

[R. Lee Ermey]

It's not his first time hearing.

[Adam Carolla]

He doesn't believe anything. Like when I did Loveline with him. If I told Him. I was, you know, I was late. I got a flat tire. Bullshit. Right? You were slamming coke in the park.

[Gary]

He could tell from your body language.

[Adam Carolla]

Just done a speedball.

[Gary]

He is kind of amazing at being able to read people. I find that fascinating.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And he can smell booze, you know, like what sharks do with a drop of blood in the water. That's what he does with booze. He does a fucking glass of wine with dinner. Who's been drinking glass of goddamn wine with dinner?

[R. Lee Ermey]

Do you record at the same time in the same room?

[Gary]

We actually film all his scenes at the same Pasadena Research center, except one or two remote things he did for us. So I was like. Like lying under the bathroom sink in what's her name's room. The woman from One Day at a Time.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Oh, Mackenzie Phillips.

[Gary]

I was under Mackenzie Phillips, bathroom sink with my arm up. To shoot something with the puppet at the research center, it's just madness. But, you know, it's a very controlled environment when we're there, obviously, and we get, you know, a few hours of his time to shoot all his scenes out, and it's a blast. But it's very weird to be there and to all be having a good.

[Adam Carolla]

Time while, you know, people are struggling. Yeah.

[Gary]

In the next room, you know, people having a really hard time.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Gary]

But I think for him, he's said, you know, that he's really enjoyed it, and it's kind of a nice break from the other stuff he does because it is in the name of comedy, but he plays it straight. And we try really hard that even though this character of War and the Ape is a puppet and it's a comedy show, we try to make the pathology of him as real as possible.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Because he has an alcohol problem.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary]

He's an alcoholic. He's a narcissist. He's addicted to, you know, gambling, women. And we try, although comedy comes first, to, you know, portray that as seriously as we can. So that because we think it's funnier the straighter we deliver it, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

It'D be a funny puppeteer as well. Jeff Conaway. That'd be really funny.

[Gary]

We'll name that puppet Twitchy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary]

We've made a few jokes at, you know, his expense. And I'm sure he's the nicest guy in the world, but we just have the name.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gary]

Who would know? Only Drew, probably.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Well, here is a story out of the Netherlands. A drunk driver tried to fill his pants up with gas. He pulled up to a service station after a night of knocking back the bottle. But instead of opening his gas tank, he got confused and stuck the nozzle into his pants, started pumping.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think I've ever been that fucked up.

[Gary]

Look what I did.

[R. Lee Ermey]

When confronted, Frederick hall said he didn't have a can to carry the fuel in, so he was using his trousers. Cops were called and he was arrested for being three times over the alcohol limit.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? You know, when you travel, you can always kind of tell where you're at by the gas stations. Like in Los Angeles, the gas stations have the 5 inches thick worth of, you know, bullet ballistic proof glass that you have to talk to the guy through the fucking ashtray at the bottom. You have to yell at him through the thing. And then when you go to use the pump, you have to swipe your credit card. And then you have to pump in your area code or your zip code code, your five digit whatever you notice. If you travel around, if you go to like Orange county, you don't have to punch in your five digit whatever. You just can swipe your card. And then better yet, if you're in a real nice community, you just start pumping. They don't need the cash up front.

[Gary]

The honor system, right.

[Adam Carolla]

You just actually isn't so weird. It's so fucking quaint and weird when you're in like Seattle and you're like, you're putting gas in the rental car and you're, and you're yelling at your friends from Los Angeles, hey, this thing just started working. It didn't even ask me for my money or anything. It totally trusts me. This box that dispenses gasoline totally took my word for the fact that we would pay it later.

[Gary]

So by that logic, in Canada there's probably just a bucket that says donations welcome.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah, it's the honor system, right?

[Gary]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Going to the museum, it's fucking sad. But everything.

[Gary]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything you need to know about that community is in that gas station. If you walk in and go, hey, could I use the bathroom? And the chick goes right over there. You're in a. As opposed to notice not. No, I cannot.

[Gary]

He hands you a cinder block with a key.

[Adam Carolla]

Cinder block. And you're fucking yelling at him through the ashtray that's at the bottom. That's all you need to know. And LA is a fucking. It's really. Going to a gas station in LA is like visiting someone in prison. How you doing? I sometimes I'll press my breast up against the glass.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Oh yeah.

[Giovanni]

Or do you ever put the Strong in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Stay strong, man.

[Gary]

They like that, the concept.

[R. Lee Ermey]

And then you start speaking in code, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, you got one more story for us.

[Gary]

You got the gas in your pants, though. You've seriously become a cartoon character.

[R. Lee Ermey]

That's true.

[Gary]

Yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

I will make this quick because I've been avoiding the Mel Gibson news, but just to keep you up to date, there were the phone messages, there were the text messages. Now there are the emails. Radar Online uncovered secret emails sent by the angry actor Uncovered.

[Adam Carolla]

Do they uncover stuff or does she hand shit to them?

[R. Lee Ermey]

Raider Online published emails that were given to them, or I should say, possibly sold to them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Day after his supposed domestic abuse against his ex, Oksana Grigorieva. In the email sent Jan. 7, Gibson allegedly offers a clue into his erratic behavior, stating, the tranquilizers only make me nuts. Tranquilizers are depressant drugs that are used to treat anxiety, insomnia, and sometimes alcohol withdrawal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's a deeply religious man, so I don't know what he needs with any of this.

[R. Lee Ermey]

In Another email sent 11 minutes after the first, Mel Gibson talks about how unspeakably sorry he is. And in yet another one, he asks simply, how's your tooth?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, bad times. Because my knuckle's pretty cut up. Yeah, that's gonna be damning. I mean, he may. He may do time, right, for domestic abuse? Yeah, sure. I mean, he may be up. Well, I think Charlie Sheen is just doing a little time in Malibu in a rehab, whatever. But Lindsay Lohan did what, 14, 13, 14 days. But he might do. He might do some time. The good news is he can escape because he can throw his shoulder out of socket, get right out of straight check. So there's not been a prison built yet that can hold rigs.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah, well, law enforcement is involved. And of course she's told them not only about this tooth incident, but that she witnessed Mel Gibson hit his youngest son, Tommy, and that Gibson had admitted to her that he had once thrown a TV at his ex wife.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[R. Lee Ermey]

So not the last we're going to hear about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, is it a flat panel or is it full size? I'd want to know.

[R. Lee Ermey]

That's important.

[Adam Carolla]

It is an important led. Or are we talking, you know, what are we talking here?

[Gary]

By Sony Watchman.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and you know, the other thing. Well, you know, he's a deeply religious man, and the Bible says, eye for an eye and a veneer for a veneer.

[R. Lee Ermey]

That's right. It's right there.

[Adam Carolla]

Right there. The Old Testament and really, should you be surprised? I know my tongue is not my cheek here. When deeply religious people smack their kids, you shouldn't be surprised, should you? I mean, that's kind of what they do, right?

[R. Lee Ermey]

Yeah, it seems to be.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't spare the rod, dude.

[Giovanni]

Spare the rod, spoil the child.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Is that in the Bible?

[Giovanni]

Might as well be.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not like the pop up Kamasutra sunface. It's gotta be somewhere in there. All right, I don't want to spare you guys one more spot for our good friends over at Pinnacle College. They do video game sound design and recording engineer programs. You can check them out at, by the way, PinnacleCollege Edu, or you can give them a buzz at 888-590-8824. They have a program that is just nine to 12 months. That's right. Not four years of your life. And graduates have gone on in the recording engineering programs have gone on to win Emmys, Grammys, and Oscars. So sound like fun? Check out our friends over at Pinnacle College, 888-590-8824. And I want to thank our guest Dan Milano for coming in here. Thanks, gang. Warren in the ape, everyone. Check it out on MTV Mondays, 10:30. So until next time, this Adam Kroll for Bald Brine, Dan Milano and Teresa Strasser saying mahalo.

[Giovanni]

All right, this is Dan Milano from back in 2010. Coming up next, we have Adam Kohrlische 615 featuring Brendan Wayne, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop.

[Adam Carolla]

Check it out. Pluto TV is the place for movie.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Fans like me and TV fans like me.

[Adam Carolla]

They've got something for everyone and it's totally free.

[R. Lee Ermey]

You can binge laugh out loud sitcoms.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Frasier and rewatch cult classics like Higher Learning.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Whether you're in the mood to solve a little crime before bedtime with NCIS.

[Adam Carolla]

Or Tracker or curl up with a surefire hit like Forrest Gump. Run Forrest.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Pluto TV has thousands of movies and shows also for free.

[Adam Carolla]

Pluto TV Stream now, pay never. And now enjoy the bold yet uncompromising flavor of Adam Corolla. That's right. I'm assertive without being pushy. Good day, Bald Brian. Thanks. Almost. Yes, good day, Allison Rosen.

[Gina Grad]

You have top notes.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you, sweetie.

[Gina Grad]

Good day.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I had a good day and a frustrating day at the same time. And I think today might encapsulate why I'm who I am and why I don't enjoy myself more. But you tell me if I should be enjoying myself more or not.

[Gina Grad]

Okay?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, the whole gang, Sandy and Donnie and everyone else from around here, all the car guys, we all went out to legendary Willow Springs fast track in the west today. And Willow Springs is. There it is from the helicopter, it is about 90 miles out of town. And it's a fast, fun, old historic track. As a matter of fact, when you go train, if you look at the top of the picture, when you do the Toyota Grand Prix, all the celebrities train at the track above it, the streets of Willow, the smaller track up top, if you look at the top of the picture, and they put a little trailer out there and so on and so forth. But anyway, so that's a pretty familiar track to me and I've done a lot of stuff on it and I'm pretty excited because today I'm going to take my Datsun BRE roadster, which has not been on the street, or I should say the track for 40 years, and test it. Because this is for me a dream come true. I'm going to be racing at the Monterey Historics at Laguna Seca in about a month. And I mean, it is literally like not in my race, but like 14 GTO Ferraris, average price, $25 million apiece, like that kind of stuff, like crazy. Creme de la creme. Top doesn't get any better in the car world than this. And anytime you're out on the track, we're looking at a picture. Now for the Porsche reunion or whatever, you take a look at the fourth row back and some of those blue, light blue and orange Gulf colored Porsches, you're looking at like $16 million, $11 million, $14 million, and it just keeps going.

[Gina Grad]

But they were the real cars. Those are just tiny models, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Those are the real cars. And you're looking at several hundred million dollars worth of cars. And that's just the Porsches that would be out at Monterey. There will be Jags and Aston Martins and Ferraris and maybe one guy in a Datsun, and that'll be me. So I'm testing my car out on this track, which was found in a barn, put back together, you know, stripped down to the tub, sandblasted, put back together piece by piece. Imagine just taking a car so that it's literally a carcass and it's, ooh, that's good. And it's down to nothing. There's no bolt, there's no piece, there's no wire, there's no anything on it. It gets like parts were, you know, fenders replaced, welds made, repairs all Sorts of stuff. And then you just start putting it together piece by piece by piece. Well, you have to test it out. Otherwise something's gonna go wrong on the race weekend, which you don't want to ruin your race weekend. So you have to go shake it out, as they say. That is a picture of the actual BRE car behind the wheel. Legendary racer John Morton. I do believe John Morton is one of these guys who has raced every car race Shelby cars like Cobras or it has the second fastest track lap record on this thing. He'll be racing four cars at Laguna Sega this year. He's. I don't know. These guys are sort of ageless, but just a crazy great old time racer who raced this car a million years ago. And so we're friends with him.

[Gina Grad]

They're ageless because they go so fast.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's really weird. They're really like. He flew himself out there on his private. His little Cessna lands and then goes. Takes my car out and shakes it out. And so the idea was, hey, let's have the guy who raced a car back in the day drive the car to see what he thinks. Because I don't know what it's supposed to feel like, per se, but here's why. I'm miserable, okay, in life. And then I. And then I was. And then I gonna drive the car and get some seat time in the car, as they say.

[Gina Grad]

What if it smells like him?

[Adam Carolla]

We moved the seat back and it's a convertible, so it rarely smells. Although we're driving a convertible race car. It's like it doesn't even have a windshield really. So just like you're driving, it's like you're sitting there and everything's hitting you in the face. It's this weird sensation. Much different than being inside, you know, coupe car. But anyway, I had a few last requests. One was the tachometer. The wire to the tachometer was bad and it needed to be fixed. So the tachometer just kind of spinning all over the place, which was driving me nuts because I couldn't tell what the engine rev was. The other thing was the seat was placed in the wrong position and I kept going like I need it. You know, My last words were, lean it back, lean it back, lean it. And I just, I left the shop and I said to the guy, I won't use les name because he's a good guy. But I pointed at my 610 race car and I said, you see the angle of that seat? Do you see the angle of that seat. And he was like, absolutely. I said, that's the angle I need this seat at because that's the position I race in. Once you get used to your sort of position, that's your position. I said, there it is, Les. There it is right there.

[Giovanni]

It's like masturbating.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Some guys do it in the shower.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Other guys, you got to diversify. Otherwise you're chained to that position.

[Gina Grad]

No, I think it's more like a Sealy sleep number. And he's got his angle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You should get a protractor. As far as the masturbation goes, I've always been a. Upper bunk on my belly, man. See, that's me. That's me.

[Gina Grad]

You masturbate on your belly.

[Adam Carolla]

Upper bunk on my belly, man.

[Gina Grad]

How do you even do that?

[Giovanni]

Look out below.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't play stupid.

[Gina Grad]

You have to be up on your knees.

[Adam Carolla]

Enough said. Okay. Point is, there were, like, three things that I was worried about with the car. I kept saying, let's change the carburetors and let's fix the tach cable and let's get that seat leaned back. Well, the carbs were fucked up. The tach was fucked up, and the seat was sitting. I was just. It was bothering the whole time. I was driving a car and, like, the tack was spinning all over the place, and the carbs were, like, sputtering at 6,000 rpm, and my seat was in the wrong position. I was just getting angry. Like, I was going, why is this. And I should have been. This is historic.

[Gina Grad]

You should have been in the moment.

[Adam Carolla]

Les did a beautiful job on this car. It hasn't been on the track in 40 years. It looks spectacular. Look at it. But I was like, I'm sitting in the wrong position. I'm mad.

[Giovanni]

Can I ask you a question? Has there been a moment in your life, maybe a momentous moment, where you've been able to sort of block out all the other stuff and just enjoy? Because I know with the kids, when they're born. Yeah, we're thinking about the horrible woman with the, you know, don't use that restroom and all that stuff. There's always something. There's always something tick burning under your skin. Has there been a moment like your wedding, maybe?

[Adam Carolla]

No party. You know, my problem. My problem. I think when. I think when me and Marilyn Manson drank absinthe one night, I think that was the only moment when it all melted away. No, because it was the kind of thing where, as I was leaving the shop three weeks ago, I said, this, get it back. Get that seat back. It's got to be leaned back. And I do. I curse myself. I realize, because if I don't say something, it'll get done. If I say something once, it's 50, 50, it'll get done. But if I really push the point, it never happens. Like, if I go, don't let this happen. Do not let this happen. As a matter of fact, look at that car five feet away. That's exactly the position. And I went and I put. I remember I put a level. And I put it at the top of the one seat. And I said, there it is. It's about three and a half inches. That's how far it's tilted back. Just do it exactly like the 610. And I was like. As I was getting my car, I was like, like, like that one, right? Just like. And then we got here and I realized, people, less good guy. Everyone's a good guy. They just kind of like, eh, it didn't work out that way. And you go, why not? They go, eh, the guy just made the bracket wrong. And you just go, everyone's ready to move on. But it's driving me insane.

[Giovanni]

I assume this is much more complicated than just like in a normal car leaning it back. It has to be adjusted or ratcheted.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd have to be pulled off and like unbolted and redone and anyway, the point is, boys, well, that is me getting into my very upright seat today.

[Gina Grad]

Over your erect driving posture.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's tumescent. I like to drive like I have super low self esteem. That's slouching. Yeah, I like to just. I'm tall, so I like to sort of, sort of lean back a little bit. Anyway, the problem with this, this car has no windshield. My head is like sticking up and getting bugs in my mouth. But anyway, overall, car ran well, worked out a few things, got it dialed in pretty good. And John Morton, like I said, the guy's a legend came out. And the BRE car, the first Pete Brock car, back on the track after almost 40 years. So we'll shake it out a little more and I'll keep you guys posted.

[Gina Grad]

Are you gonna get these things fixed?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, fuck, yes. I will go insane if that sounds awesome. I will go insane if that. There's something weird about this. It's one thing when you're bothered by something and then it sort of goes away. But when you're sitting in what you're bothered by and the position you're bothered by, it never. It's like somebody put a conch shell underneath my ass. And I just sat on it the whole time. It drove me nuts.

[Gina Grad]

That is lesser. None than the Princess isn't a P. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right. Something that did put a smile on my face. And I do want to thank the last over at Classic Dodson. He's a great guy. Bust his ass. I'm just pissed about that seat. I do something that put a huge smile on my face is my buddy Kevin Hench. We're over doing a table read over at Fox yesterday for an animated show I'm working on, which is interesting, an interesting process. I'd never done a table read for an animated show before, and I can tell you about it some other time. Anyway, went well. He said, have you seen Adam Sandler? The trailer for Adam Sandler's new movie? And I was like, no. And he's like, oh, my God. And I was like, nah, can't be that bad, right? And he's like, no, this is. He is. He's trumped himself. And I was like, well, how bad could it be? I mean, he does a lot of those kinds of movies. Like. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This seems like a parody of an Adam Sandler movie.

[Giovanni]

Like what you would see in a movie about Adam Sandler movies if he was joking about himself.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's exactly what it seems like.

[Giovanni]

A tropic thunder.

[Adam Carolla]

Have you seen it?

[Giovanni]

Yes, of course.

[Adam Carolla]

And so then he said, Jack and Jill, have you seen. And then he said, have you? And I'm not exaggerating, am I? No, it's absurd, right? And then he said, have you seen the YouTube thing where they have a George C. Scott from a scene from a movie called Hardcore? You guys are too young. But hardcore from 1979. George C. Scott is like a dad and his daughter gets kidnapped, taken to Hollywood, the underground, and forced into porn. And there's a scene where he has to go into a movie house to see if that's his daughter. And this is before, you know, they didn't have DVRs or CDs or DVDs or, you know, sets or anything. Yeah, tell me about that, Grandpa. Back in the day, if you wanted to find out if your daughter was in pornography, you had to, like, actually go into a theater and watch a movie.

[Giovanni]

Oh, you had to pleasure yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the rule on the upper bunk. Get on the proverbunk jokes. Get on your belly. Yeah. So somebody, some genius, took the trailer and he mixed it and interspliced it with George C. Scott at the theater watching. Not the Adam Sandler movie, but of course, his daughter being disgusted and breaking down by his daughter. And Brian, have you seen this one as well?

[Giovanni]

Yes, I have.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. I'm not even doing. I like Adam Sandler. This is just an amazing piece of art.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, it's very well done. It's a mashup.

[Adam Carolla]

If there are more laughs and the guy who makes fun of your trailer than there is in the movie, we'll see. We haven't seen the movie yet. Who knows, it could be the next Paul Blart. Who knows? But all I'm saying is you'll. You'll have to. We'll just have to kind of walk you through this because if you're listening right, but it's still. I just brought in because I wanted to have a laugh. There's George C. Scott taking a seat and they dark theater, alone, pulling out.

[Gina Grad]

A big tube of loo.

[Adam Carolla]

Now they just fired up the trailer.

[Brian Bishop]

In every family, there's one person who.

[Adam Carolla]

Drives you a little crazy. I gotta pick Jill up at 4 in the morning.

[R. Lee Ermey]

She comes once a year and she's leaving on Sunday.

[Adam Carolla]

But during the holidays, no fighting here. There's no escaping it when it's your sister. How we doing? Your twin sister. Are you going B? Huh?

[Giovanni]

Sailor and dragon.

[Adam Carolla]

Cover. More faith. Okay. From the British Tor Scott.

[Brian Bishop]

His hand buried his head.

[Giovanni]

Buried his hand.

[Adam Carolla]

It's great at the end. Nothing alike. I promise you.

[Brian Bishop]

She is inside.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Joe, this is Autumn.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. They should do this with every bad movie trailer now. Whispering with a bullhorn or something. Everybody hears you. This song, by the way, this Elo Don't Bring Me down thing has been shoehorned into every third bad movie now. I don't know where it came from. It's a shitty song, but I don't know where. Oh, this is great too. Every time there's a dude playing drag in Drag in a movie, even though he's not really drag in the movie premise, but. But there's some hot boss guy who wants to get with.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

With the Adam Sandler with a wig on.

[Gina Grad]

Hot piece of snatch.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Gina Grad]

Who resembles Lily Tomlin.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Oh, here we go. Turn it up. Turn it up. Turn it up at her I see me.

[Brian Bishop]

When I look at her, I see me.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks for turning it up so much. Turn it up.

[Giovanni]

I don't know if this is an Internet meme yet. Like this could be used for all sorts. All sorts of terrible troubles.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything. Well, I mean, you probably just do every sandler movie that comes out, right?

[Gina Grad]

I have a question about this particular scene in Hardcore. Now why would he not just look at it and be like, oh fuck, it's her and then head out? Why is he sitting through so much of it?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it was stretched out to a sandler length preview, you know, like that real scene could have been 20 seconds, you know what I'm saying?

[Gina Grad]

I know what you're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

They took probably 30 seconds and whacked it up. I think in the movie first off, it's like his daughter was wearing a wig and she wasn't having sex at first. And also she may not have been one of the players in the movie. So he had to watch some of the movie and then maybe he saw his daughter enter kind of.

[Gina Grad]

There was always plot.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, when you do a porn movie, it's not like your daughter's the first one, the first face that's seen in the movie. It's probably gonna be Ron Jeremy and.

[Giovanni]

You couldn't see your whole face at the end.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, that's right. It's obscured, it's covered up. Yeah, with the stuff I leave on the upper bunk. Every fuckin movie has this in it. Now.

[Gina Grad]

You don't think you'd be able to recognize your daughter's face even if it's covered in jizz.

[Adam Carolla]

Alright, alright.

[Giovanni]

That's the only way Bill will write.

[Adam Carolla]

Just playing with my daughter in the pool, for the love of Christ.

[Gina Grad]

Speaking of, those are cute pictures.

[Adam Carolla]

New pictures. Oh, that's nice. All right, so the show. That's right, you can watch it on weeknights. That's right. This show. That's right. 8:00 Pacific on Ustream TV. Acebroadcasting. Also some behind the scenes footage. House of blues coming up. August 6th. And borderline out here in Thousand Oaks on the 12th tonight. Oh, I'm sorry. House of Blues, Vegas. Yeah, you should know that. I should tell you where it is. There's a lot of houses out there. Yeah, well, just go to one. Hope I show up. Ace Hotel Palm Springs tonight, people. We'll see you there. Improv this Sunday night. Representative Richard Martin gonna be there. Alrighty then. We got some news, sweetie. Petey.

[Gina Grad]

We sure do.

[Adam Carolla]

Live from the International News center, next to Donny's mini bikes, this is the news with Allison Rosen. Hey, Dawson, sorry. Can I have a little theme music? Ask lynch if I can have a little theme music underneath the news. I got a. I got a piece of music sent to me today. Unbelievable. I had it. I wanted some dialing music for my ace on the house home improvement show. Some genius sent this bad boy in.

[Gina Grad]

I need a whole new personality to do the news now.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, you do.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you do.

[Gina Grad]

Do you guys know. Nah, I'm gonna dispense with that one. So a British comedian tried to throw a shaving cream pie at Rupert Murdoch, who was testifying before Parliament about the whole phone hacking scandal.

[Adam Carolla]

Why can't they put whipped cream in the shaving cream pie?

[Gina Grad]

That's what they eat in England.

[Adam Carolla]

They. Yes, that's all they live. It's considered health food over there. Look, in clubhouses, when the ball players doing the interview, I understand they have to do shaving cream because you don't have a bunch of Ready Whip sitting in your locker. You have Barbasol. Yeah, but when you're doing it outside of a clubhouse or outside of a baseball field, go with whipped cream. All right, so I think he was.

[Gina Grad]

Trying to send Rupert a delicious treat.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Should we take a look at it?

[Gina Grad]

Oh, yeah. So anyway, in this video, though, what you'll see is Rupert Murdoch's wife, Wendy Dang, who is being touted as tiger mom. Wife.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought that was Lucy Liu. Or Sheila. Who. Wait a minute.

[Gina Grad]

Both of them will play her in the movie.

[Adam Carolla]

No, wait a minute. There's two chicks. There's the Charlie's Angels chick, Lucy Lou. And then there's the chick who's the correspondent. And there's Lisa Ling. Lisa Ling, Lucy Liu. And then there's her sister, Laura Lingerie. Laura Lang. But tell me this. Tell me if Rupert's wife does not look like Lucy Liu. Plus, I don't know, three years. I mean, she looks. She looks like. Let's see. Let's take a look. All right.

[Gina Grad]

Slow motion.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that was like a profile. Profile shot. I like that impulse. But the front shot is the cool shot. Is there a better shot here?

[Giovanni]

Somebody say, that's an outrage?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, I don't think we have a front shot of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, did they. Did they get him? I was.

[Gina Grad]

Yes. You'll see him next apprehended. Now, there he is.

[Adam Carolla]

Did he get flipped over, or did he just get grabbed by her? Because I saw a doctored version of this, which I was just skipping my rope with the sound down on the TV set, and I couldn't tell if it was a doctored version.

[Gina Grad]

I think she just hit him.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think she just reached over, whacked him one. All right, we see a picture of Her.

[Gina Grad]

There she is. She looks a little bit like Trump's wife, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Melania. I guess eventually, when you get rich enough, the wives all start to sort of blend into just one hot international treat, right?

[Gina Grad]

Yes. I feel like there should be a name for that.

[Adam Carolla]

Hot international sensations. Mm.

[Gina Grad]

Waferoni. Hot international treat.

[Adam Carolla]

You hop.

[Giovanni]

If rice cakes tasted better, that'd be a good one for it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but they don't.

[Gina Grad]

All right, now let's talk about the pie throwing impulse. So the guy's name is Johnny Marbles. He had been tweeting some anti. I'm sure Marbles was not the name he was born with. Probably Chad Marblestein. But I feel like who throws pies anymore? But I know that Donnie is known for throwing a pie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, only if you broke up with him. Donnie had pubic lice. He'd get you with a pie. But that's if you broke up with him. Donnie had your asking for it. I would beg him not to throw the pies.

[Gina Grad]

You would?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Donnie's a pie purist. Donnie would go to 4 and fucking 20 to a nice pie shop and buy a good piece. Look, you think I like pie now? I cannot fully explain how hungry and how desperate I grew up. I cannot underscore that enough. I was possessed.

[Gina Grad]

You were like Oliver Charleston. Worse than Oliver.

[Adam Carolla]

All I did was, like, work out, play football, run around, swing a hammer, do construction. I would literally, literally dig a ditch. Eight hours. Just eight hours of digging ditch or swinging a pickaxe. I was like I was in a chain gang and I had no fucking money. I never had a fucking penny, and my family never had any fucking food in the fridge. And I was obsessed and insane. I told you. I entered a pie eating contest in high school and took the fucking pie home. I ran with it. I didn't even eat the pie. I just stared at it and nibbled on the edges for 10 minutes while some fat guy buried his face in it.

[Gina Grad]

You just waited till you get up on that top bunk with it.

[Adam Carolla]

And at the end when Mrs. Tomi started screaming at me, throw it away. She was so pissed off at me for fucking with her pie contest. It was a big, you know, big one of those lunch quad, you know, activities. She was so pissed off that I'd beat her at her pie game and ripped off her pie. She was yelling, throw it away. Throw it in the trash. Throw it in the trash. And I was like, I can't, and throw it. And she said, give me that tin. And I literally, like, broke the pie. In half, held it in my hand. She took the tin. I had a pass to go home for lunch. There was about 14 minutes left for lunch. And I ran home holding handfuls of pie and went to like a crazed raccoon and went to my house and started chugging milk out of a jug and eating the pie.

[Gina Grad]

So what kind of pie was it?

[Adam Carolla]

I think it was apple, but I can't be sure. I know it wasn't pumpkin that much. And it wasn't cherry. I know what it wasn't. It wasn't pecan, it wasn't mine, me. It wasn't lemon meringue. So I was nuts. And Donnie didn't like food back then. I mean, it was a weird thing. Like he literally didn't care for food. And he would go to throw a pie in a chick's face and I'd tell him, get a fucking pie tin and put some shaving cream in it, you know, Three Stooges style. No, he'd go to fucking 4 and 20 and get a good pie. And I'd be like, just go to Lucky Supermarket, get one of those piece of shit store bought ones with msg. It's like, no, no, he'd go get a good pie. It was like a $9 pie. So I would beg him, no, don't do it, you know, and he'd be like, don't touch that pie. That's for Melanie, you know, and he'd be like, sitting in the fridge and I'd be going insane. And when he did it to our friend Danielle Chaikin, I ate the shit off the driveway. I mean, I went with him. I was, I went. I kind of went with him because I was either either Daniel, Sassy, Danielle's house, or I went with Donnie to get the pie, you know, after it fell a long time.

[Gina Grad]

You're micromanaging the pie from afar.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So after he got her with the pie, I was like, I'm picking up this pie. I picked it right off of Chaykin's driveway. And she had a. You know, it was asphalt too, wasn't concrete. Oh, God, there's a lot of shit in it.

[Gina Grad]

Sounds like a crunchy pie.

[Adam Carolla]

I took what I could back into her house, cleaned it off to help mop up her tears, asked her where the forks were. And you got, you know, I got about half, I'd say about 2/3 of the pie.

[Gina Grad]

I got two questions. Did the pie have a crust on.

[Adam Carolla]

Top or was it really usually crusted pie? Oftentimes.

[Gina Grad]

And my second question did he throw it from afar or did he smush it into their face? Oh, and my third question. Why?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, there's a lot of why around Donnie.

[Gina Grad]

I know, but specifically, like, what's the genesis of this? How did this start?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know how this one began, but Donnie decided it was a good idea.

[Gina Grad]

It's funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Word got around. And you don't dump Donnie. It worked.

[Gina Grad]

You think that women didn't dump him because they were afraid of getting pied?

[Adam Carolla]

He's been with his lady for coming on 20 years now. Donnie had crabs. You know what I'm saying? You tell me, missy.

[Giovanni]

Proof. In the pudding or the pie, as it were.

[Gina Grad]

And what do you do with, like, a weird mutual breakup?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, that's just a fruit cup.

[Gina Grad]

At least there are rules. So the TSA is making changes to its body scanners, which are technically called Millimeter Wave Advanced Imaging Technology Machines.

[Adam Carolla]

The fucking tsa. I was coming out of Canada, I had all the shit in the Ziploc bag. You know, all the toiletry shit.

[Gina Grad]

3 ounces.

[Adam Carolla]

If there really. If there was one thing you're traveling with that you really didn't want in a clear Ziploc baggie for the world to see, it would be, what's in the toiletry bag? Isn't that the one kind of, like, appointment. You know what's weird about the toiletry bag? Even the used toothbrush and the semi spent deodorant stuff all feels a little bit, like, invasive to me. Like, it all feels like, this is my bathroom. Everyone. Yes. Tom's of Maine. Yes. Powder scent. Yes. That's what. Yes. I use the gel.

[Gina Grad]

It's a powder scent.

[Giovanni]

It's antifungal. It's an orange.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right. No, you know what I'm talking about. That what's in your medicine cabinet.

[Gina Grad]

It's preventative.

[Adam Carolla]

It just feels vulnerable. Makes you feel kind of weird.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And so the thing.

[Giovanni]

You don't have dandruff.

[Adam Carolla]

Just.

[Giovanni]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

You just. Not anymore. Not since I started on Sell some blue. Here's the thing. Take something like just the clear sandwich bag that you're supposed to put your toiletries in. I have traveled all over this country in the last two years. I travel with Mike lynch and Mike August and Donnie sometimes. And first off, every airport's completely different. Half of them is. Do you want me to pull out the sandwich bag with the shit in it? No, why? Then on the way back, it's. Sir, we're gonna need you to remove from your Toiletry bag and put it out where we can see it in a separate bin and whatever it is, we traveled. Now, this is Mike August. He's clinically brain dead. We traveled for one year, one year last year, and at the end of the year, I said, yeah, I think I need one of those clear Ziploc bags. He said, what for? I said, to put the toiletries in. He said, what? I said, mike, this has been going on for five years now. I mean, on and off, to be fair to you, but five years, first I've heard of it. It must be great to be that fucking out of it, by the way. But first he'd heard of it. So it's either. It's. So half the time it's in, half the time it's out. Just when you get two times in a row or three times in a row where they need it in the plastic clear thing, then you'll go eight times in a row of them not needing it in the plastic clear thing. The point is, is it is meant to fuck you up. It is like a parking meter where you put in a quarter and half the time you get an hour and a half, and then sometimes you get four minutes and then sometimes you get three days. Of course you're gonna get a ton of tickets. The only way you can sort of train people is through repetition and being consistent. Taking the shoes off, taking the belt off, whatever, with the toiletry bag. Once it's straightforward, like, once it's. It's easy to understand, then everyone will just get. It'll get into the muscle memory and everyone will just move along with it. But they keep fucking changing it up.

[Gina Grad]

They're keeping the terrorists on their toes regarding toiletries. But anyway. So the body imaging scanners, though, now have new software which is supposed to be less invasive.

[Adam Carolla]

What happened to Taboo 2's theme, by the way?

[Gina Grad]

It displays possible security threats on the same generic image of a person. So think of when you use a public restroom, you know if it's a man or woman based on that figure, like, sort of like that. But then a little thing will light up saying, you know, possible danger near the leg. So now that it'll be looking at the same man or woman image always.

[Adam Carolla]

I, by the way, would like a designated just. The government decides on, like, you know, when you go to a restaurant, health inspector, inspector comes by and the health inspector's like, well, this guy's one mayonnaise can't be below 120 something degrees, but this other guy's mayonnaise is. Can be different, can be left out for a longer period of time. Or this can be this way, this restaurant and that way. It could be that way. Restaurant. No, they just have a universal code, right? It is a code. It's a health code. Doesn't matter if you're doing Mexican food or Thai food. There's a code. I would like that for the back bathroom door. I don't need the ninas and the chiquitos.

[Gina Grad]

Seriously, am I a desmos wazel?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I. I really.

[Gina Grad]

Or dame.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like, am I gaucho or a nino? Or like, and I'm just like staring at it. I'm going, I sure. I swear to God, I cannot do it.

[Gina Grad]

Or fawn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's too artistic. And I got a buzz on and I got a piss and I don't got time to do this math, right?

[Giovanni]

And you're like, that alligator's got a bullwhip. That alligator got a lasso. I don't know which one.

[Adam Carolla]

Pull out alligators. Looks like he's wearing a skirt. But those could be overalls, could be a kilt.

[Giovanni]

I mean, that's a very masculine thing.

[Gina Grad]

They're employees only. Is that men or women's?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't dig that. I don't either. When I got a piss and I got a buzz, I don't need to stop and do your cute math, right? Especially when we're. You're in some whatever themed restaurant and. Or. Or it's one of those, you know, Thai or Spanish or whatever. Chinese. And I gotta do the fucking math. By the way, I will say this about Chinese. They don't usually fuck around with that kind of stuff. There's a picture of a dude and a picture of a chick. Even the chick and the dude aren't far enough apart for me.

[Gina Grad]

No, they really aren't. Because a lot of chicks don't wear a line skirts like that.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a chick from. I mean, it's a chick from 1950, right? Yeah. Yeah, let's mix it up. Oh, there we go.

[Gina Grad]

So wait, go back to the photos. The generic body image photos, though. They look like little doe people.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. All right, we'll take a look at that.

[Gina Grad]

So this is what. Mm, well, you could imagine they look like pills. Like. Yeah, Pillsbury Doe. Men and women. And they also look scary.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they've seen my cock 121 times. Glad they changed it.

[Gina Grad]

Maybe that's just the front and the back of the same man or woman.

[Adam Carolla]

I got pulled out for upper bunk chafing Mm.

[Gina Grad]

I don't mean to pin you guys down here, but how could you be on your stomach masturbating in an upper bunk? Unless you're on your knees.

[Giovanni]

Very generous.

[Gina Grad]

Or are you. Is there. What are you rubbing against, though?

[Adam Carolla]

There's an imaginary vagina. There's a handful of dudes. I ain't one of them, but there's a handful of dudes that. Does their grind work. Like. Like, literally just grinding away on a box spring or something? Yeah, I mean, they, like, grind away. There's the pillow also.

[Gina Grad]

There's a pillow down there. There's something approximate.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I don't. I don't know. I'm not a grinder, but there are grinders.

[Gina Grad]

If you gained weight, you could never do it.

[Giovanni]

This music is great.

[Adam Carolla]

I love it. Because the listener had to make it himself. There's no way he can't find this.

[Giovanni]

Anyway, thanks to that listener.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. It makes me want to buy something from tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Cavalieros and senoritas. Sorry. Go ahead.

[Gina Grad]

I wonder if young senors are ever called senoritos. Or I wonder if that would be an insult.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, but it sounds like a lovely snack.

[Gina Grad]

Kim Kardashian is suing Old Navy for between 15 to 20 million dollars for using a lookalike model in their new ad for super cute jeans.

[Giovanni]

When I saw the ad, I said to my wife, is it Kim Kardashian to Old Navy now looks exactly like her?

[Gina Grad]

Well, it worked on you.

[Adam Carolla]

How do you sue? I guess you sue where you go? A. We'll put the same. We'll do her eyes up with the same kind of makeup. We'll do her hair up. Like. That's where the lawsuit comes in.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, well, what she's saying, basically, is that they're trading on her look and her whole image.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I understand that, but if someone looks like you, they look like you.

[Gina Grad]

Right? But she's saying that they purposefully did a.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying.

[R. Lee Ermey]

How about you leave the joking to Adam?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I understand what you're saying.

[Gina Grad]

Can't make a joke.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Giovanni]

You look like Theresa.

[Adam Carolla]

You most definitely did not break your streak. Still intact, baby.

[R. Lee Ermey]

How about you leave the joking to Adam?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, there's a bleed when I finally do.

[Adam Carolla]

The argument that the lawyers for Kim Kardashian are gonna make is they'll show a hundred pictures of her with that eyeshadow on and her hair done that way, and they'll go, that's her makeup artist. That's how she did her makeup. But I don't know if you have a lawsuit just because somebody looks like somebody.

[Gina Grad]

Well, and to add insult, Melissa Molinaro, who is the lookalike, is now currently dating Reggie Bush of the Bush and the Tush, the one who used to, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Go out with Kim.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? I don't get that. I want to fuck something that looks almost like the thing I was fucking a year ago.

[Giovanni]

He has a type, I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess. But it's just like he already did that. Didn't you do it? Didn't you, Reggie?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, it's weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I did see that Old Navy commercial, too. Jumped right up on the upper bunk and got to business, and I wondered, is that Kim Kardashian? And then I realized, nah, it just kind of looks like her.

[Gina Grad]

Right. Well, she's saying that the ad is using Molinaro to evoke her identity and Persona. And she's also really mad that Old Navy keeps referring to her in tweets like this one. Cbs. So this is Old Navy tweeting this. CBS News reports that Old Navy super cute star looks like Imkardashian. Hashtag, lol. What do you think? So, but it's great publicity for them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't think they're gonna win this one, especially since she doesn't rap. Does Kim Kardashian sing? I would say if there's, like, this sounds like her singing or something like that, then you really got a case.

[Giovanni]

I wonder if she only brought the case to just point out that, hey, that's not me, because there's no impersonation going on here.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Maybe it is now, Brian.

[Gina Grad]

Like, here. You still thought it was her?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Giovanni]

Half of the cup through the commercial, I realized. But there was a good 15 seconds wherever it was, where I was, like.

[Adam Carolla]

Doing was well into his refractory period by the time they got onto the car.

[Giovanni]

I feel raped in a way.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Giovanni]

Like Melissa Molinari or whatever she is.

[Adam Carolla]

You'll never get that semen back.

[Giovanni]

I tried. Oh, I tried.

[Gina Grad]

You know who would be the perfect litmus test? Larry. Because he loves Kim Kardashian, they should.

[Adam Carolla]

Drag him into Club Larry Miller.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. See if this one works on him.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what we should do? Hook him up to a tumescence monitor.

[Gina Grad]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And show him the Old Navy commercial and see what happens. Mm.

[Gina Grad]

See if he'll accept the fake kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Although I think he likes a lot of ladies.

[Gina Grad]

I know, to be fair to Larry, what a slut he is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Thank you keep going.

[Gina Grad]

So, Adam, you know how you're always talking about cancer sniffing dogs?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Gina Grad]

Now there's a semen sniffing dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I started off with. Actually, it's a joke, but I still meant it. Which was venereal sniffing dogs. Oh, well, because if you had a puppy and you're like a big time rapper, I mean, herpes is forever, right? You want to get in a hot tub and you want to get down, and you got a lot of chicks that quite frankly, been around the block a few times, maybe been with Reggie Bush or at least a facsimile of Reggie Bush.

[Giovanni]

Or will be with Reggie Bush.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Or will be. And I said, you put this dog by the front door, you're partying as the chicks all come in in the miniskirts. The dog's just basically sitting there. And if it's. It smells a crab or a herpe or whatever, a wart, you know, it starts chasing its own tail, and she goes to a little separate party, you know, velvet rope removed. You go over here, right?

[Gina Grad]

Donny cat crab.

[Adam Carolla]

Believe me, that party's even better. It's just, we know who you are, you know what I'm saying?

[Gina Grad]

Do you think the dog could smell a potential outbreak?

[Adam Carolla]

Here's the thing.

[Gina Grad]

Just if it. Nobody.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what I've figured out. Everything has an odor attached to it. Almost everything, and especially anything physiological has an odor attached to it. And if they can teach a dog, you know, they do this thing where it's like, well, that's a cocaine sniffing dog. That's a gunpowder sniffing dog. That's a marijuana sniffing dog. No, they're just dogs.

[Gina Grad]

Menstrual cycle sniffing dog.

[Adam Carolla]

They're just. That's a good.

[Gina Grad]

That's just a dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're just dogs. And they'll teach them to sniff anything. And I started thinking, look, if they can take a joint and pack it in coffee grounds and weld it into a car fender and the dog can sniff that out, then he can sniff out a crab.

[Giovanni]

You think there's some hierarchy or some, like, coolness cache amongst the doll community? I think doll community. Like, I sniff cocaine personally. What do you sniff?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Yeah, yeah. I'm looking for pineapples brought over from Hawaii.

[Giovanni]

Could be worse. I hear Larry over there is a STD sniffing dog.

[Gina Grad]

Dude, he pissed off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The point is, everything has its own smell. And I used to do it with, like, I used to talk about cancer. Like, you know, if you had lung cancer and you went to a dog, the dog was Properly trained, it'd probably tell you what was going on in there. Anyway. Sorry, go ahead.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, well, there now is a semen sniffing dog. The first one ever in southern Sweden. It's a three year old German shepherd named, and this is not the proper Swedish pronunciation, rapport opus.

[Adam Carolla]

And he's going to crime scenes or.

[Gina Grad]

Yes, he apprehended a 24 year old frat houses.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on?

[Gina Grad]

He's just.

[Adam Carolla]

Imagine him walking into a frat house like that. Just running in a circle though, his head just exploding like scanners.

[Giovanni]

He's back, his legs are in the.

[Adam Carolla]

Air, heading for the kitchen, stopping and sliding, going back into the bathroom and.

[Gina Grad]

The whole, you know, like he's exclusively sniffing top bunks. He apprehended a 23 year old who forced a woman to perform oral sex on him. And he found the semen at the crime scene. So I'm not sure exactly the logistics of how he did it, but he was able to match the semen to, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, ballistics, Cocky sticks, I gotta say. The forced blowjob, you know, I mean, I can't say that I wish that upon anyone, but that's a power move there, you know what I mean? Because that could go wrong very quickly.

[Gina Grad]

That's true. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's kind of a weird thing.

[Gina Grad]

That's like someone turning their back on the tiger.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Mm.

[Gina Grad]

Like he really has her train.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The force blowjob. I don't know how that works without some collateral. You know, I understand the force blow job of I got your kid and I got a. I got an exploding vest hooked up to him and one click of this genie garage opener and the kid's gonna be eviscerated. So start sucking, baby. Not that I've thought about it.

[Gina Grad]

Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

This scenario never. Not that there's any work going on in a vest in the back at all. But the point is, I mean, Sandy.

[Giovanni]

Has that vest coming.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a vest with C4, but this has nothing to do with this. The point is. Or the, you know, I got a gun, but the start sucking just because I'm bigger than you. That seems like a fairly tallish order, you know what I mean? I feel like you need something, you dangle something other than your penis in front of them.

[Gina Grad]

Right? Like maybe you have someone there who's ready to bite her.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. Oh, and by the way, Bold Brian, the comedy 30 minutes or less Which I now see commercials for everywhere on TV and billboards for Z Z, Ansari and what's his name.

[Giovanni]

And the guy who has to rob a bank.

[Gina Grad]

Jesse Eisenberg.

[Adam Carolla]

Based on a true story.

[Giovanni]

Oh, it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yes.

[Giovanni]

I must have missed that part.

[Adam Carolla]

It was all over the news like, shit. Like. Like three or four years ago, maybe four or five years ago. And the real guy blew up and he died.

[Giovanni]

Oh, shit.

[Adam Carolla]

And it was weird. As a matter of fact. You guys can look it up. I think there's even footage of it. But, I mean, it was like, as I recall. And again, the story's probably. You know what, it's probably about five, six years old, maybe more. The guy came out. Is there a movie, by the way, if you're making a comedy and Danny McBride is not going to be in it, do you have to check with somebody first and then get permission?

[Giovanni]

You gotta clear it. Yeah, with the McBride, with, like, the Hollywood, like, folks you have, like. Listen, I'm thinking of making a comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Danny is in Toronto shooting a film right now.

[Giovanni]

That's what I'm saying. I would like permission. I know it's unusual. I know I need an exemption for this. That's why I'm here. I'm thinking about not using Danny.

[Adam Carolla]

But Danny's in Toronto, so he can't shoot your film right now.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, I know I'm thinking about.

[Adam Carolla]

But you wanna shoot now?

[Giovanni]

I would like.

[Adam Carolla]

Could you delay the shoot until he gets back from Toronto?

[Giovanni]

It's sort of a scheduling time.

[Adam Carolla]

He's shooting nine films in Toronto.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that's. Every single other person on the shoot needs to do it now. Can I please. Can you give permission?

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on.

[Giovanni]

Can it be. I don't know if it was possible. I haven't read the bylaws.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, hold on. This is. This is funny. I thought for a second. This is good. Are you sitting, Allison? Yeah, I'm ready. I thought for a second. You're talking about making a Comedy without Danny McBride. Did it sound like that?

[Gina Grad]

I thought it was a comedy he was proposing.

[Adam Carolla]

It sounded like it would sound like actually making a movie.

[Gina Grad]

That didn't be. It couldn't be. Because the anime.

[Giovanni]

I meant.

[Adam Carolla]

Drawnumentary. Did you say Coyote?

[Brian Bishop]

No.

[Giovanni]

Now, listen, I wouldn't think about risking my status in this town.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, if you'd like to give Danny a credit, right, and pay him, let's say, his rate.

[Giovanni]

Just his rate.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, rate, plus some points on the film, plus the none, then I can ask him if it's okay. For him not to be in your film.

[Giovanni]

I can live with those terms.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, again, you would do that? Well, he's gonna need top billing. Yeah, and he's gonna need points on the back end.

[Giovanni]

It's given. It's a comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, that will be points on the gross, not the net. Yeah, of course.

[Giovanni]

First dollar in goes and then it's rate.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, yeah, all right, I can live with those terms. But by the way, I'm not making any promises. Don't get your hopes back.

[Giovanni]

Oh, no, this is just to present the opposite.

[Adam Carolla]

Mr. McBride is in a good mood. I can probably get a waiver sign. But hurry up and shoot. Because if he comes back to Los Angeles and then he finds out he's not in one of your films while he's being shot, he's gonna be pissed.

[Giovanni]

Is there anything I can do to defeat the deal? You know, when you present him with this, can I send along a batch of cookies or.

[Adam Carolla]

He likes. Well, he likes Crown Royal a lot. Alright. Yeah, so we'll see. Yeah, it's like it's almost illegal to make a movie. Brian and I saw the foot fist away six years ago at the arc light.

[Giovanni]

Yep. Four and a half or five out of 50.

[Adam Carolla]

I was like, what is this movie? Who saw this movie and why is. Why are we watching it?

[Gina Grad]

I've never heard.

[Giovanni]

In Danny McBride's defense, he is a one trick pony who does one trick really, really well.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Giovanni]

Like, he does one thing and does it great.

[Adam Carolla]

But Will Charles saw the Foot Fist Way, his independent movie, and said, this man will be the next star. And thus it was.

[Giovanni]

That's almost the exact same character as he does in East Every down and the commercials for the shoes.

[Adam Carolla]

He does it very well, but do we have to have the same seven people in every fucking comedy? It's driving me insane. All right. Brian Wells, bank robber. Can you read that out loud, Allison, please?

[Gina Grad]

I can. He was an American pizza delivery man who was killed by a time bomb fastened to his neck, purportedly under coercion from the maker of the bomb. After he was apprehended by the police for robbing a bank, the bomb exploded. The bizarre affair was subject to much attention in the mass media.

[Adam Carolla]

He had an explosive collar. He was saying to the cops, like, please, it's not me. I didn't rob the bank. I was. I was delivering a pizza and it blew his head off.

[Giovanni]

Now it's a hilarious comedy.

[Gina Grad]

What's not to laugh at?

[Adam Carolla]

A guy had his fucking head Blown off.

[Gina Grad]

I remember this story.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I do remember footage, too. Were like, the cops were like, behind their cars. Like, it was sad because they were. He was yelling. He was saying, like, help me. And they were like, get away from us with your bomb.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And his head blew off.

[Gina Grad]

Explosive comedy.

[Adam Carolla]

Why is there screwball comedy done about this?

[Gina Grad]

Oh, boy. So many hijinks on the way to explosion.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, anyway, all I'm saying is, George C. Scott, get ready. We got another trailer coming your way. All right, let's wrap the news for now.

[Gina Grad]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. You did that with vigor. I like that. LegalZoom. Waiting for that perfect. Time to start your dream business.

[Gina Grad]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

How about right now? Okay, yeah. Now, see, this is yes. And plus, you want to be smart with your cash, right, Allison? Your kind knows what I mean.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, we do.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to keep the legal fees to minimum?

[Gina Grad]

Of course.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why I recommend LegalZoom.

[Gina Grad]

What is that?

[Adam Carolla]

What is LegalZoom? LegalZoom is not a legal. It's not a law firm. They provide self help services at your direction.

[Gina Grad]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

You can start a corporation or LLC for as little as. How much do you think they charge for a corporation or an llc?

[Gina Grad]

A hundred thousand? Two hundred thousand? Five hundred thousand?

[Adam Carolla]

Funny is him wanting to make a Comedy without Danny McBride. $99. 99.

[Gina Grad]

Less than 100.

[Adam Carolla]

Way less than a hundred dollars. A billion times less than a hundred dollars. You want to save some money for even more. You want to save money else.

[Gina Grad]

Of course I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Then enter Adam in the referral box at checkout.

[Gina Grad]

This is like a good plan.

[Adam Carolla]

It is an awesome plan. Start your business right, protect your family and safeguard your assets. [e-mail]. what's that again?

[Gina Grad]

Legalzoom.com.

[Giovanni]

That'S, I will say off of your point of. You like it when there was organizations that would help people. You know, we give the healthcare industry a lot of crap, rightfully so. But there's a lot of organizations out there, private that when, you know, I was looking for, you know, insurance or ways to, you know, pay for my treatment and stuff. They help you and that's their job is just there to, you know, sort of guide you in the right direction and give you, like, advice and give you forms and help you fill stuff out.

[Adam Carolla]

Health care, they're out there. I would say healthcare would be one of the number one topics, I'd say second only to anything we do abroad that involves a Military campaign where we never stop beating ourselves up. You know, we never stop beating ourselves up about whatever military campaign is going on abroad. Yet we never really rape anyone or take any oil reserves or take the keys to downtown. You didn't see casualties of war or do any of that stuff. We do a lot of spending money and then policing and then coming home. Most everyone else likes a couple of souvenirs once they conquer someplace. But we like to just tidy up and then head home. But we never stop beating ourselves up about that. And second only to that is probably our healthcare system. I was uninsured for the lion's share of my life. And when shit went wrong, I would drag my carcass down to county, USC and get some free whatever. And there was always. And there was clinics in Santa Monica when I used to live in San. There's a lot of free clinics. There was a lot of ways. There are ways you could get things done. Yes, you'd have to wait in line. No, you weren't going to the Mayo Clinic and getting state of the art whatever. But try that in many other countries and tell me how it goes. And then we never stop kicking the shit out of our own pharmaceutical industry. There's money grubbers. Yeah, they're money grubbers. They wanna make money. Just like the guy finished the bridge in 33 hours. Carmageddon wanted to finish this. I can't remember if I was doing a one on one.

[Giovanni]

No, it was us.

[Gina Grad]

I was us.

[Adam Carolla]

I was screaming about that. Yeah, but it was like telling you the other bridge that took three years.

[Giovanni]

After the Northridge quake.

[Adam Carolla]

No, the bridge they're working on is the one that goes to Ventura from Colfax.

[Gina Grad]

Yes, I am.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you know that bridge?

[Giovanni]

No, but yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And do you know where Colfax is?

[Giovanni]

No, I'm not.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't go to the Valley, but sure is.

[Giovanni]

I'm familiar with the 405, so keep going.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a. Oh, show me a picture. Now there's a bridge. Colfax is one of the main streets that just runs into Ventura Boulevard. It's right. It's one I don't know east of Laurel Canyon. And it boxes in cbs. CBS Studios is on Radford and Colfax, right underneath Ventura Boulevard. That's where CBS Radford is. That bridge. This is a weird picture of it. That bridge has been closed off for over three years. I know because my nanny lives in a condo right at the end of Colfax. Right where the bridge is cut off. And you can't get to her house. That bridge has been cut off for over three years.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. It makes you wonder if they will ever finish whatever they're doing.

[Adam Carolla]

That is when we work on things and when you dangle money in front of people and go, hey, man, you gotta finish this or it's gonna cost you six grand a minute. Or we'll give you an extra 500 grand if you finish before whatever AM on Sunday gets done. This going on its 40th month and not finished. Find a good picture of that goddamn bridge. There's gotta be a million of them anyway. We will take ourselves now. We gotta find a good picture of that bridge. It's gonna drive me nuts. I've never been to Colfax. Huh. My elementary school was on it. Sort of right in the middle of the San. I don't know if it's right in the middle of the San Fernando Valley. It's a little closer. But. Alison, you're an Orange county gal.

[Gina Grad]

Yes, I am.

[Adam Carolla]

So you don't know. You don't know the Val, man.

[Gina Grad]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

This is sort of. Sort of Studio City anyway now.

[Gina Grad]

But I would like to see a picture so I could acquaint myself with the Val.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's it. When it was open. Yeah. And it's. The river runs right through it. As a matter of fact, the whole Robert Blake thing, that was like Robert Blake's house was right on the other side of that thing. And that's the studio.

[Giovanni]

Is that by the college?

[Adam Carolla]

Valley College? No, but that river runs right by Valley College, too. It's right by CBS Radford anywhere where I did one of my failed sitcoms. We'll take ourselves a quick break. Brendan Wayne, Cowboys and Aliens. Looking forward to that. Brendan Wayne in studio next. Yeah, back with Brendan Wayne. Brendan, you know you feel my pain with the CBS rad for Colfax bridge being out.

[Mike August]

Yeah, they used to have a really. I have three kids. They used to have a really cool little part of the bridge where you could go over with your kids. It's like a wooden part. What is taking them so long?

[Adam Carolla]

Am I shitting you when I say it's been well over three years?

[Mike August]

Easily. Cause my. My oldest was second grade. I think it's almost four years easily.

[Adam Carolla]

And just died of cirrhosis of the liver. So it's been that long. That's right. Good to see you. Good to meet you. Cowboys and Aliens. I'm looking forward to it. I like Favreau's work. It's a cool looking Movie. It's one of those movies where I'm like, how are these cowboys gonna defeat these aliens? They got six shooters and aliens got all this technology, but there seems to be something else going on. Little hints of things that are going on.

[Mike August]

You know what Cowboys have always. We always overcome everything. God damn it. Doesn't matter what it is. It's the story of the Western, but.

[Giovanni]

Except industrialization.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's something about Daniel Craig. There's a story going on with Daniel Craig that seems to say that he knows he's more than just a cowboy. Maybe he was abducted. Maybe he's got something up his sleeve. Although his sleeves are never rolled down. Brendan, the grandson of John Wayne.

[Mike August]

Yeah, that's me.

[Adam Carolla]

And so then what did. What does that make Tommy Morrison to you?

[Mike August]

He's like a distant cousin in a far off land.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Don't hang with Tommy too much.

[Mike August]

No, I mean, I watched him and I pulled for him right until Mercer crushed his jaw. A lot of money on him.

[Adam Carolla]

His name was Merciless Ray Mercer.

[Mike August]

Tommy was killing him. He was killing him. And he just dropped his hand to throw, right hook and just got pummeled.

[Adam Carolla]

Tommy Morrison was a heavyweight boxer that got AIDS and had to stop fighting because he got aids. And then, I think.

[Gina Grad]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

And then came back. You don't even know where a goddamn bridge is, sweet tits. And then came back. Whoa.

[Gina Grad]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I think cured. Cured. Like Magic Johnson, Tommy Morrison, I mean, also Rocky 5, of course, Tommy the Gun. Tommy's one of these guys where people sort of forget, like, oh, they throw him in with Randall, Tex Cobb or something. He was a damn good heavyweight with a damn good left hook and had one of the best knockouts ever. I would say, with Razor Ruddock, if you watch fights. Razor Ruddock was this dude who, as Mike Tyson would say, hit like a fucking mule. Kick. And he fought Tyson. And he was the only guy who, in Tyson's prime, when he was sort of the baddest man on the planet, actually hurt Tyson a little or backed him up a little or rocked him a little. Like he just threw big uppercuts. And he was one of these dudes. And I guess this is what it takes to be a heavyweight boxer. Although you'd be smarter off if you were a little bit more like Lennox Lewis and wanted to save your brain. Razor Ruddock was like, why am I scared of Mike Tyson? I'm £240 and I'm the baddest dude I know.

[Mike August]

And I got a reach on him.

[Adam Carolla]

And I got a reach. I'm going to go over there and bust this guy in the fucking head. And it would be like, just use your jab and move around. He'd be like, why? I'm going to knock him out. And then he'd go over there and he'd get knocked out. But in the meantime, he lands some huge shit on Tyson. And Tyson was such a badass that Tyson went after he fought the first time, he was like, man, that motherfucker's heavy handed. God damn, that guy can hit. And then they'd go, will you do a rematch? He's like, absolutely. Tyson liked the fact the guy could hit.

[Mike August]

Oh, yeah. And wasn't scared of him.

[Adam Carolla]

Wasn't scared of him. Even though he was such a heavy handed guy. Tommy Morrison fought Razor Ruddock and Razor Ruddock was landing all sorts of heavy shit on Tommy Morrison. And Razor Ruddock just went, now I'm gonna end this fight. And Tommy was banged up and fucked up and falling apart. And he just went for like the big. And Morrison just weaved down and came up with a big uppercut and just pop. Watch this. Oh, sorry, left hook. Sorry. That was. It was Ruddock's uppercut. Yeah. Morrison is getting the shit kicked out of him. He can barely stand. He's beat the shit and just drop. Huge left hook and just. I mean, that's the way heavyweight fights used to look. And that was a great. One more shot of this. Yeah, I mean, Morrison was no goddamn joke. And I feel a little bit because of the color of his skin that he gets lumped in with these dudes sometimes like another sort of great white hype. But he wasn't. And he probably finished, I don't know, 31 and 4 or something before the AIDS.

[Mike August]

Before the.

[Adam Carolla]

Before was it.

[Mike August]

He got. It was. He was at least 33, right.

[Adam Carolla]

And yeah, because he took those. So that's your cousin.

[Mike August]

That's my cousin.

[Adam Carolla]

And then you got John Wayne. It's the grandpa.

[Mike August]

Yeah, he can fight.

[Adam Carolla]

Clint Eastwood's his neighbor.

[Gina Grad]

I met him.

[Adam Carolla]

Roger Moore is his stepdad.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, when I was three. Fashion Island.

[Mike August]

Did you really?

[Gina Grad]

So sexy. Well, yeah.

[Mike August]

No hairpiece.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, I was pretty into it.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus. 52. 42 coming my way. Knockout and three losses. That is not a bad record. Now I don't know what or how many fights he had since he cured himself of aids.

[Mike August]

My, My trainer, Justin Fortune actually trained him for that fight. And was, was. It was his sparring partner. He fought exactly like tyson. Little, small, 220 pound son of a gun. And he said Tommy could just throw some heavy leather, like just Bill.

[Adam Carolla]

He saw it. Razor saw it there, too. And Ruddock was one of those guys that could have been a name you knew and could have had some big paydays and blah, blah, blah. But he was just like, I'm here to knock people out, and unfortunately, I will get knocked out in the process half the time. And instead of, like I said, Lennox Lewis and the Klitschko brothers are like, I'm here not to be knocked out, and I don't care if it's boring. I'm gonna win.

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's what they do. And that's sort of where the heavyweight division is now.

[Gina Grad]

So both of you guys box? Yes.

[Mike August]

Yes. He more than me, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just amateur.

[Gina Grad]

Did you have fear when you were in the ring?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. We're normal.

[Mike August]

I still do.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I'm scared now. Just talking about rage, overdick. He's not here, is he?

[Gina Grad]

I just pissed myself.

[Mike August]

I was throwing. I was. I was at the YMC Gym in Hollywood, and I was. I was just hitting the bag and whatever, and nobody does it there, and I'm throwing punches.

[Adam Carolla]

This is knit's night cage. Oh, the main. I mean, the one that's between. Is that. Is it between Sunset and Santa Monica? Where is it? Yes. Okay.

[Mike August]

I'm in that gym, and it's the character actor, Jim, too, mind you. But I'm hitting the bag, and all of a sudden I hear behind me, excuse me. And I was like, yeah, whatever. You're gonna hurt your arm if you keep throwing your hook like that. Turn around and it's Mike Tyson.

[Adam Carolla]

The hell's he doing there?

[Gary]

That's what I said.

[Adam Carolla]

Community service.

[Mike August]

He was on the bike, he was just getting warm and gonna sweat off some of his.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Mike August]

I'm like. And he goes, you gotta. You gotta keep your elbow up.

[Adam Carolla]

I was like, wow.

[Mike August]

You mind if I go ahead? And he started hitting. All sudden, everybody in the gym comes down. You could hear it outside. It was amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. When he used to, back in the day, in the custom auto days, like, really work that heavy bag, it was like, that would all. That's all you need to see. You wouldn't need to see film of him sparring. You just need to film of him, a heavyweight, doing what he was doing to that heavy. So compact and so short. All right, all right. We're out of time. We can't talk about cowboys and aliens, but if you want to know about Razor Ruddock and what he's up to. Go to razor.com. yeah. Cowboys and Aliens. So Favreau.

[Mike August]

Amazing. He was so cool and mellow and. I don't know, you get on set and normally director doesn't say to you, hey, whatever you guys think, just tell me, you know, if it's useful, I'll use it. And then he actually does. Stunt guy actually gave him something and he used it. And I was like, oh, you weren't fucking kidding around. You're for real. Like, he was like, let's make this something we all work on. I was like, my God, he was as cool as they come. And then he DJed all the parties.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he did?

[Mike August]

Yeah. He's like the real deal. Not so much that, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know what I don't understand about the process? If somebody comes up with an idea that's going to make the thing that you get credit for better, and it's a stunt guy grip or someone from craft service, you still get all the credit.

[Mike August]

Absolutely. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So why not? It's like you have a test. If someone wants to lean in and go, let me help you with that math problem. Don't tell them to fuck off and threaten them and scream, do you know who I am? See, if they got it right, they got it right. Then go, fine, because I'll be turning this in with. With my name on it, and there'll be no part for ideas I took from other people.

[Mike August]

No, we don't have that at the end of the credits, by the way, Brendan Wayne added that. It's like, have fun with it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't understand why. I mean, I understand the part where there needs to be sort of a general on the set to go, no, here's how we're gonna do it. But that part where you stifle other people's creativity, people who are invested in it, who have studied their characters and are going to have helpful ideas, and look, if one out of 10 of them is good, then that's one more than you had.

[Mike August]

Exactly. And that's what. That's what. You're absolute. That's the way John worked. He was. Okay, if it works, I'll use it.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you now? Where'd you shoot the movie?

[Mike August]

New Mexico. We were in Santa Fe. Oh, yeah, Santa Fe for about three and a half months, and then a month out here at Universal doing some set stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

And were you. You don't have to give away too much, but like your character, at some point he dies. I'm guessing he gets killed off at some point.

[Mike August]

I can't tell you anything like that. I will tell you this. I did all my own stunts.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the way Grandpa would have wanted it.

[Mike August]

Yeah, it was funny because not the.

[Adam Carolla]

Duke, the Jewish one that he was.

[Gina Grad]

Talking about, even the one that killed your character.

[Mike August]

I will not admit nor deny. Me and Murdoch are gonna claim nothing. No, I. Olivia Wilde comes in at lunch after we've been shooting, and I've been bragging to everybody I'm doing my own stunts off my horse. Have fun with. And she comes in and goes, oh, I did my own stunt off my horse. We didn't do it off the fake horse. I went higher than any actor they've ever pulled. I'm like, you're hot and you're fucking courageous. I hate you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And just that name, Olivia Wilde. I mean, jeez, that's a porn name. Wild with an E. Where is she from? What was she in?

[Mike August]

She was on House Heaven.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Jesus Christ. I think the last time I did Mar's show, I did it with her. I'm pretty sure you give me a thumbs up. Yes. Yeah, I did real time. I don't know, a year ago or something. And she was there. And it was just one of those things where it's like, you walk in backstage, you see the nerdy guy, writes the right wing blog and all that kind of stuff. And then you see her and you're like, holy shit. And then. And you're backstage just sitting, staring at the monitor, getting away. I was like, the special guest or the something. I wasn't on the panel, but I rolled in and I'm sitting back there watching the thing, and she's keeping up with everyone and all the political news and all the historical stuff and news of the world. I mean, up to date. And I'm sure she boned up on the. Oh, man. Damn. But she had her hair pulled back. That's why I didn't recognize her. And she's wearing, like, that sexy business. That business attire kind of thing. With the blazer. Yeah. And she just came. She just. Everyone just statistic for statistic. Oh, yeah? Well, tell that to the guy who penned the NAFTA agreement in 87. I don't think it's worked out so well.

[Mike August]

And it's like, documentarians.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God damn.

[Mike August]

She knows it all.

[Adam Carolla]

She just walked backstage. It was really like out of a weird Science movie. Like, come on, this chick doesn't really exist, does she? Super hot, super smart, super up on everything. Yeah. Does her own horse stunts she did.

[Mike August]

It was unreal. So I was like. She left the room. And then all the guys looked at me were like, oh, you did your own stunt.

[Adam Carolla]

You're gonna.

[Mike August]

I was like, fuck. So I went down. Tommy Harper was the first unit guy. And I said, tommy, out. Blow me up. Light my fire. Kill me right here. I don't care what it is. It's got to be better than Olivia's. And the guy who does the rigging, who yanks you up, he goes, hey, he can do the gooch. I'm like, yeah, I can do the gooch.

[Adam Carolla]

Do the gooch.

[Mike August]

I don't know what the. I'm like, yeah. And Tommy looks at me like, you got kids at home? I'm like, come on.

[Adam Carolla]

I could do it.

[Mike August]

And he goes over and he goes, I gotta go ask John. And I don't even think John heard the whole question. He came out, yeah, it's fine. A death would be good on screen, you know, it doesn't matter if he lives. And I went and did this thing, and I'm riding my horse, and I gotta. I've gotta keep my horse straight. And I'm hooked up to this thing that's 70ft in the air with two cranes between me. And I got Harrison Ford on the right of me, and I got a camera crew and a camera car on the left of me. And the horse hates all of them, and I've got to keep them going straight. I got it. I'm like, I'm gonna get yanked out this horse. What was I thinking? This is the stupidest thing I've ever said.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And they hook you up to the harness?

[Mike August]

They hook me up to the harness.

[Adam Carolla]

They have the crane over you.

[Mike August]

They got the cranes at either end. And there's just one big strip of wire that I'm connected to that the horse runs like.

[Adam Carolla]

Like. Like. Sort of like the NFL cameras are out on the. That's exactly what it is.

[Mike August]

Except for I'm the camera. At some point they're gonna take me. And.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's like. If you're riding your horse and there's an explosion or you get sucked up into the mothership or something, right? Yes. Where's the father ship, by the way? Is he never around?

[Gina Grad]

Absentee father ship.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like a black guy.

[Gina Grad]

That's why aliens do all the butt probing.

[Adam Carolla]

Has a couple of little probes and a few mother ship, and then he just heads off to Florida. Works on a fishing boat. Pretty much what the fuck?

[Gina Grad]

Dates.

[Adam Carolla]

He's deadbeat father Ships.

[Mike August]

Who wants to ride? A father no one wants to ride.

[Adam Carolla]

Sucked up into the mothership. Yeah.

[Mike August]

It's an Oedipus.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, you're right. You're right. So the gooch.

[Mike August]

So we're doing the gooch. And he goes, okay. And I figured, you know, they're gonna yank me. No, no, no. This cable's got to go between your legs, so it's got to go on the outside of your ass. Chicken. Away from your balls, because if it hits any of that, it's gonna tear them off.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mike August]

I was like, what the fuck did I get myself into?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Try not to wild.

[Mike August]

And then I can't. You know, I can't say no because.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, if I'm gonna ride my.

[Mike August]

Granddaddy'S coattails like I do, I gotta make sure I fucking go.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, how much. How much stuff did the Duke do? I mean, I'm guessing. I mean, he was certainly riding the shit out of a horse.

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Did the Duke do the gooch?

[Mike August]

Well, he and Yakima Canut. He did much worse stuff because they used to. They didn't care about.

[Adam Carolla]

Yakima is a very famous stunt guy.

[Mike August]

Only one to win Academy Award.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's the only one to win an Academy Award.

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He now getting back to the Valley. He grew up on Rivers. Yeah. On Riverside. And let's see, I'll come up the name of the street, but he grew up about a block. I grew up a block away from him.

[Gina Grad]

Yakima Canuck.

[Adam Carolla]

From Yakima. Yeah.

[Mike August]

He created stage fighting for the screen.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. He was a crazy. Yeah, I talked to. Oh, shit. All right. It's all gonna come back to me. Just one second. No, is it Addison? No, no, no. I'll figure out the name of the street his. Remember I was talking about the two guys. There's three brothers, and two of them died before.

[Gina Grad]

Yes, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

That was his grandfather.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, wow. Yeah, it was the Canut brothers.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they had a different last name, but that.

[Gina Grad]

They were Knutt stock.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That was their grandpa and I used to go to this house on the corner over there, and he lived to. Probably stunt guys don't usually make, like 103, but he made it. He was there for a long, long time. And I talked to. Oh, I was thinking of Hal Gurney, did all the Cannonball Run stuff, and he did a lot of stunt stuff, and we were talking about Yakov and. So your. Your grandfather must have hung out in the Valley. Oh, yeah, well, he used to live.

[Mike August]

My granddaddy used to live on Louise, a block south of Ventura and Rancho.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, See, now he couldn't get there because the bridge is closed over Colfax. He would have been pissed, taken his horse, fired off a few shots. Yeah, the. Yeah, there's. Oh, Jesus, I've lost my mind. I lived on off of Houston and. Shit, I'll figure out the name of the street in a second. But that was. He lived on the corner there. I think they turned it into condos and stuff now. But. Yeah, Yakima was the first, the main and the big guy.

[Mike August]

He was the guy everyone wanted to work with.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, but what's the gooch we need to talk about?

[Mike August]

Yeah, that's where they take a cable that goes 70ft in the air and they strap it underneath your ass, through your balls, across your chest. And when they yell, boom. As you're riding really hard down the way, you got to remember to lean forward so that they can yank you. And you can end up doing a couple flips into the air. And make sure you don't hit Harrison Ford or the horse veers because it's gonna hurt a lot. That was pretty much what they were. They were like, just go straight and don't hit Harrison.

[Gina Grad]

I was like, and don't get castrated. That's the.

[Mike August]

I don't think they cared about that much.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you? I've had this experience where I brought up stuff like when I was being attacked by police dog, where the guy's like, you just start running and then I'll let the dog go and he'll take you. It's like kind of conversations where you go, well, what if he hits me and he doesn't take me down? Oh, he'll take you down. Like those kind of conversations. And then. But here's the scary part where you go, all right, so when I'm running and you let me get about 25 yard head start, and then you'll let the dog go, and the dog's going to take me down. Yeah. Well, should I have my hands up and sort of out of the way because they're down by my side? What? The dog goes for one of my hands and the guy goes, yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, for sure. That's a good idea. Yeah. And I'm like, what? What? I'm. Why am I bringing this up at this, by the way, this very critical juncture here? Why am I bringing. I'm. Now, I know it's my hand. You don't want to go ahead and weave that into the conversation. What if I did not bring this up, could I hand me in the dog's mouth, because they don't have protection. You are flak jacket, but your hands just sort of dangle.

[Gina Grad]

So you're running and they smell fear.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're running. And I just got a cuticle push. So he knows I'm a puss. And the dog goes right after my hand. You know, the guy's like, I'm gonna keep him up. Right? Yeah, okay, do that. All right.

[Mike August]

I think he just wanted to see what happened.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you have. And it was one of the. I had the conversation. I was like. And then what do you do? Blow a whistle or something? And the dog comes off me. And he's like, not quite that sad. And I'm like, well, how's it work? Well, he goes, it's kind of a switch. And once the switch gets thrown, it's kind of hard to unthrow it. Oh, geez. And that means the guy runs up and kicks the dog in the fucking ribs as hard as he can. And then the dog goes after him. Like, there's no. Like, the dog runs back to his side. The dog. Once the dog's on, it's on.

[Gina Grad]

So then what happens? The dog kills someone or they destroy the dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Eventually, they. Theoretically, you know, it's a dog like you. You. It's. It's not a robot. Like, once you go get him, it's in get a mode. And the way you get them off the guys, you pull them off, but you don't. You don't blow a whistle. That dog's on it. Mode.

[Mike August]

And unlock his jaws first.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And did. So did the stunt guy have any, like, where you go, should I keep my hands up? And I go, like, oh, it's a good idea. Yeah, you better do that. I'll take your arm off.

[Mike August]

What I said was, what should I do with my hands? He said, well, whatever. You don't grab the cable, right? So what did I do? The first thing I did, they go. I start going. And my first reaction is, grab this cable.

[Adam Carolla]

Grab the good.

[Mike August]

I can hear him screaming.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Mike August]

Because they don't want my hands to burn on the cables I've got. I'm like, sorry, my bad. So we went back and did it again. I said, what else do I need to do? Because, well, you can't fight this thing. I go, well, so when I talk, should I kick back? He goes, yeah. I go, you know, I don't have any stirrups. I'm actually riding this without Any stirrups? What am I pushing off on? He goes, I know. Figure it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like when you stump them.

[Mike August]

Okay, thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

The Gooch, everybody.

[Mike August]

What's that short for the Gooch?

[Adam Carolla]

I have no idea. You got some more, by the way. Let me do a quick spot and then crank up a little more news, shall we, Brandon? Hang out.

[Mike August]

I like it.

[Adam Carolla]

Hang out and talk some news with us. Go to my PC. That's right. Go to my PC for your iPad. Now. Oh, if Yakima and the Duke had had themselves an iPad, imagine the stunt coordinating they could have done.

[Giovanni]

Showing pictures of Brendan. Me like, look at my grandson.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, look at that. Look at that.

[Giovanni]

He's like, where's that coming from? My home computer. Don't you know?

[Adam Carolla]

One day he's gonna be mastering the Gooch. That's right, Go to my PC, brought to you by Citrix for the iPad. And again, just put your computer right into your iPad. This week you can win. That's right. This week you can win an iPad2. That's right. Dos iPad2. And you can get the use of Go to My PC free for one year. How do you do it? Well, you can check out the Go to My PC video on the home page and follow the instructions, and I will pick a winner. So just go to the home page, check it out, it will tell you what to do, and you can win yourself a free iPad, and you can use Go to My PC for one whole year. I'm going to pick the winner July 26th. And also, they got a deal. You can use it free for 45 days. That's right. Download the app, the App Store, then visit go to my PC.com, click on the Tried Free button, enter the promo code Gooch. No promo code, Adam. And try it for a month and a half for free. All right, a little more news to go with Alison. And now the rest of the news with Allison Rosen.

[Gina Grad]

Adam, I know you're a huge fan, so I hope this news doesn't upset you, but JLo and Mark Anthony are no more.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, dear God, those kids. Why? Why does bad things happen? Happen to happen to people believe in love anymore?

[Gina Grad]

And this, by the way, this story, I wanted to get to it the other day.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, this poor guy. First he marries Ms. Acapo, then he knocks her up. Then he remarries her. Then he divorces her. Then he remarries her. Then she has a kid who's like four months old, and then he splits for J. Lo. And now this happens to A guy after he built up that much good karma.

[Gina Grad]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

And plus he has that super hot song where he just keeps saying I need to know. Tell me little girl, because I need to know. Over and over and over and over until you want to take the fucking and Gooch's cable and wrap it around your neck. Throw yourself off a two story building. Oh, it's such a piece of this song. Is it's, Is it?

[Gina Grad]

Do you think it's worse than Mambo number five?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it is.

[Gina Grad]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

You know why? Because he knew what he was doing. It's. It's different. I'll tell you why.

[Gina Grad]

This is murder, not manslaughter.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. The other one was just a guy who escaped from a men Lou baga skim. Escaped from a mutant musical. Mental.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Crazy looney bin. And went out and went on a killing spree. But he was off his meds. He doesn't know what's going on.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

He knew what he was doing.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, he did. And he didn't, he didn't stop himself.

[Adam Carolla]

This is, this is so stupid. People can feel like they have a well rounded music sort of selection. You know, I can hear this played at weddings. And dumb fat idiots dancing too.

[Gina Grad]

Well, anyway, after months and months of non stop arguing.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Gina Grad]

They split for the sake of the kids. Three year old twins Max and Emmy. Anthony spent the weekend in Colombia where apparently he put on an upbeat performance and evidently made a joke. They're saying I'm single. He said. Which by the way, despite what the article said, is not a joke. It is barely a quip. A joke is what's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my cock down your throat. That's a joke.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a joke. I like that.

[Gina Grad]

And much like what has two thumbs and loves blowjobs. This guy. I can't tell that joke. It's the only time I've ever wished I had a penis so I could tell my two favorite jokes.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, they're both winners, baby.

[Gina Grad]

A story came out next story. A story came out saying that children are safer.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to know how old his, his newborn was when he fucking took off. I was saying to somebody, as I was saying to my writing partner Kevin Hench on the way to this Fox thing the other day. I said there's a lot of guys that go a lot of different directions. Take the Duke for example. There's guys. There's that thing where it's like George Steinbrenner was known as a horrible Horrible guy. But there's all these stories about a guy who coached third base on his minor league team, whose wife came down with breast cancer. And all of a sudden, some guy shows up at the door and says, you're not gonna have to worry about expenses or medical or anything. Mr. Steinbrenner's gonna. And by the way, if you say anything, he'll take it away. So just take this envelope. That's from Mr. Steinbrenner. So it's like, on one hand, is George Steinbrenner an ass wife. Well, not to the guy who coached third base on his. Whatever. And the wife who was ailing of cancer. You know what I mean? So there's plenty of stories of was the guy douchebag was. And there's people who've worked with me who'll go, that guy's a definite asshole. There's my family, who'll go, that guy's definitely an asshole. But then there's a couple people I've never met before who probably go, I'm.

[Mike August]

Looking forward to it.

[Adam Carolla]

Seemed like a cool guy.

[Giovanni]

I might be an asshole.

[Adam Carolla]

Might be an asshole. I haven't met him yet. I haven't confirmed it yet. So you never know. But here's how you do know. Your kids. Your kids, because they're really the yardstick you measure your worth by. And at some point, whether you're a famous ball player or Latin crooner, at some point, when your kids get old enough and go, my dad, Ted Williams, was an asshole. Like, I never. I didn't talk to him for 30 years. I'm gonna freeze his head and sell it. Like, that's how. That's how you measure yourself. Because everyone else is just a business partner or somebody you had sex with and then broke up with. Or how can you take their word for anything? They sued you, you sued them, you fucked them, they fucked you, you divorced them, they divorced you. It's all that kind of he said, she said. But your kids, that's the one thing. When your kids get together and go, dad was an asshole, you're an asshole. You're cosmically an asshole. And when you have a four month old or six month old and you go, I'm splitting, you're an asshole.

[Gina Grad]

Yep.

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's figure out how old Miss Universe was when. When he split on the kid there. I think just. Just had a newborn. And also, that go back and remarry move is always an asshole move.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone who's done that as an asshole, Historically, yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Not just because it's not gonna work out. Not just because the kids. Because all your friends who had to listen to it the first time are gonna have to listen to it again.

[Mike August]

Guys have to lie and act like they don't hate her like they did before.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right. Plus, it ruins it for all the dudes who are like that bloated cunt. I didn't want to say anything, but remember we're at the Arby's about two years ago. I walked in the bathroom. She was blowing a. She was blowing the guy who changed the napkins and married the ketchup. Yeah, same thing. Then. Yeah. Then they get back together.

[Giovanni]

We're getting back together.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, this is uncomfortable. Then. Sorry. Where were we?

[Gina Grad]

Married. The ketchup. Is that what they call it?

[Adam Carolla]

They marry it.

[Gina Grad]

A story came out.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. There's a gay version of it. Well, as well.

[Gina Grad]

What would it be? Maybe. That's okay. I'm not gonna make condiment jokes, but I'm so tempted. So kids apparently are safer behind the wheel of a car driven by their grandmother than by their mother. This is based on insurance database. And this is despite grandparents not strapping the kids in and older people being more likely to get in accidents. The rates of injury to children passengers was 70% in crashes with grandma driving and 1.05% in those with the parents.

[Adam Carolla]

Because the parents are texting. I mean, they're making cell phone conversations probably. Grandma and grandpa are 10 and 2. And if you turned up like Guy Lombardo louder than a three and a half, it'd be, turn that rock and roll down. I can't concentrate. Whereas I'm driving with my knee and looking at my phone and yelling at other drivers and complaining about the bridge being out on Colfax. I'm barely in my car.

[Gina Grad]

Let's talk about this texting.

[Mike August]

My grandmother almost killed three of my brothers and sisters.

[Adam Carolla]

Almost.

[Gina Grad]

Almost being the key word. And plus, there was like five of you left, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. One of Mark's kids was 2 months old when he left, so almost made it to three months before he took off.

[Gina Grad]

Right. Hey, he waited.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

You know, he didn't do it when the kid was a month old. Now, this texting, because I spent a lot of time on the road with my eyes on my phone. And what I've noticed when my eyes are off my phone is that everyone else on the road is looking at their phone as well. So is it all, like, we've all narrowly escaped death each time we do this? Because I feel like a real Asshole. When I do it because I think this is so dangerous. But I'm bored. And everyone else is texting as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think the problem. It's much like drunk driving where people think they're good enough to get away with it and they're not.

[Gina Grad]

So my humility will save me. I know that I'm a menace to other people and myself.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, People are like, I can do this and they can't. Like, you see people sort of swerving around and you'll avoid them and they'll roll through something and you'll go, God, that guy's completely and utterly out of it. And they're not really good enough to pull that off. And it's the same with the drunk driving. It's basically, yeah, I'm drunk, but I'm fine.

[Mike August]

Put it in a driving test.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Mike August]

You can have a special texting class license.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sorry, where were we?

[Gina Grad]

So it turns out that New Zealand bans weird baby names.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, I like that.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, you knew this? Well, here are some weird.

[Adam Carolla]

I think we talked about this once. I don't know if it was New Zealand. Yeah, came up on this. Maybe it was a specific story.

[Gina Grad]

I feel like it's like you're calling your girlfriend by someone else's name.

[Adam Carolla]

You're right. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

This is not me.

[Adam Carolla]

We've talked.

[Giovanni]

I've never heard this story. So maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

Normally Brian has my back, but maybe.

[Gina Grad]

In a one on one show you're cheating on us.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, go ahead. No, I knew this and it's you. We've talked about it before on this show. Giovanni will find it and tell me.

[Gina Grad]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

No, someone wanted to name their kids something super fun out of New Zealand and the judge said, no, like Marmite. And it wasn't that, but it was something. And then we got into a whole discussion about it and I sort of said that it should be the same as vanity plates.

[Gina Grad]

Ooh, this is ringing up.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't have Fudge Packer. Only on the rear plate.

[Gina Grad]

You can't have Taylor.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't have it on there. Because they'd go, you can't have it. And if I tried to Fudge, pardon the pun, Fudge Packer and try to abbreviate it in a way, and said, oh, no, my name is Mr. Frank Fudge Packer. And I went, you know, they'd go, no, it's Fudgepacker, not Fudge Packer. Yeah, you can't do it.

[Gina Grad]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

They look and they're kind of weird about It. You can't get in any religious stuff. You certainly couldn't do, you know, Hitler or any. Any of that kind of shit on there.

[Gina Grad]

You can't have overt political messages.

[Adam Carolla]

No political stuff and no religious stuff and no whatever. Well, basically the same group should be.

[Gina Grad]

We don't need Giovanni. It was. The Catholic Church was saying they didn't want kids to have funky names like Scarlett Johansson or like they didn't want Scarlet and they didn't want Super Hollywood.

[Brian Bishop]

That one.

[Adam Carolla]

We had that one too. But there was something out of. I do know that New Zealand has put their foot down on this one, but keep going.

[Gina Grad]

Well, they put their foot down on Lucifer, duke, Messiah and 89.

[Adam Carolla]

What about Yakima?

[Gina Grad]

I know. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

What if someone had put their foot down for Yakima or Razor?

[Gina Grad]

Then we wouldn't even have. We wouldn't have a good 20 minutes of this show.

[Mike August]

They retired Duke, but it's not.

[Giovanni]

Yes, I will kill a Duke is too awesome.

[Gina Grad]

Also not approved. Bishop, Baron, General Judge, King, Knight, and Mr. These are names that were said to be too similar to titles. The letters C, D, I and T were also rejected.

[Adam Carolla]

But this is New Zealand.

[Gina Grad]

This is New Zealand.

[Adam Carolla]

But I mean, isn't someone going, look, we don't have black people, so what's the big whoop? How's this really gonna affect us?

[Gina Grad]

You say that however they did affect.

[Giovanni]

The log is jumping too high and running too fast.

[Gina Grad]

They did approve non traditional names such as Benson and Hedges for a set of twins, as well as the boys names of Violence and Number 16 Bus Shelter, Virginia Slims.

[Adam Carolla]

They do have some brothers. See, I feel like the Benson and Hedges would. There was probably like a 10 Mississippi put in there. And Benson works in a bubble. And Hedges sort of works in a bubble as well. You just can't run them together.

[Giovanni]

I should have put them backwards. And then everyone kind of hedges, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. All right. And then another set of twins, Lucky and Strikes.

[Gina Grad]

I wonder if Ernie and Bert would fly. Mm, I bet it would. I personally was so shocked, just like everyone else in the world of sports, which is the world in which I travel, when I found out that Tiger woods fired his longtime caddy after.

[Adam Carolla]

Not after not playing.

[Gina Grad]

Well, his name is Steve Williams. No, I don't think it's clear why he did it. I think he's won so many tournaments with Steve Williams on the badge, but.

[Adam Carolla]

His longtime coach, he's been slumping.

[Giovanni]

He's been quite a slump.

[Gina Grad]

Yes, I know. That's what I How do you fire.

[Mike August]

The guy that covered your ass? He covered his ass.

[Gina Grad]

He was on the back.

[Mike August]

Dude knew.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he had to. I mean, listen, when you're just. By the way, let me explain how guys work. Lean up on that mic, Brendan. When a guy just gets done mowing down some super hot pussy the night before, and you guys are just walking down at an endless fairway in Palm Springs or somewhere in Palm Desert or somewhere in Tucson or Vegas or something, it's just you and a dude. They could put. Really a priest, and you'd be silent for, like, the first hundred yards, but somewhere around the ninth hole, you'd be like, tap some ass Last night, you killed it. Yeah. Should I call you a padre? Jesus Christ, am I treated that puss like a punching bag? Fucking hot. Now, listen, I know you took some kind of vow or something, but I tell that to my cock. This bitch was hot. She could suck, too. It was fucking awesome. I mean, especially because it's just. It's you. Miles of grass and trees and just a dude standing there.

[Gina Grad]

So you think he just needed a new audience?

[Adam Carolla]

You can't help it. You cannot help that. He can't help it.

[Mike August]

No, you can't have.

[Gina Grad]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

There's nothing. There's so much downtime in. In golf. And you're just standing there and that guy's straight and probably telling you so you know each other's weddings. That guy's a hound, too. And he's probably talking about chicks he nailed when they were out on the tour and stuff like that.

[Mike August]

He got married in New Zealand, funny enough.

[Adam Carolla]

He did?

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there you go.

[Mike August]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my point.

[Gina Grad]

But why does that. What does that have to do with why he fired him? Well, knew too much.

[Mike August]

He knows where the skeletons are.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus his kids, Duke and lacrosse. No, I don't. I think there's this. It's like a boxer. We'll get back to boxing. Boxing. Boxer go 35 and. Oh. Lose two fights and get rid of his whole camp. Because he's like, I'm on a skid. I gotta shake it up. Now they don't. No one says to him, well, what about the part where you went 35 and oh, with the same dudes, you know? And they go, all I know is, my last Two fights, I'm 0 and 2, and I'm shaking it up. And their dad could be their coach. They'll fire their dad every time. So, I mean, it happens all the time. So I think it's just a. I'm shaking it up now. Why? The guy who, you know, you basically go, hand me a sand wedge. And he goes, here's a sand wedge. Why you got a shit can? That guy. And I don't know what you're telling Tiger Woods. Like, if you're out of the rough and you're 90 yards out, there's a little break, and Tiger says, give me a pitching wedge. You go, no, no. I think you should be playing a three wood from here. Like, I think Tiger knows the club. He doesn't. He knows when to get the putter out and when to get the sand wedge out. Right.

[Mike August]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What. What are you even doing other than dragging his shit around?

[Gina Grad]

You're just dragging his around keeping his secrets.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I think. Yeah. So you think there's some secrets here that he's. Oh, but then why do you. Shit can. That's what I said.

[Mike August]

I don't get it. Because I guarantee you there's.

[Gina Grad]

So that he can have a reality show where he chooses his new caddy called that's My Caddy.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, I like that. My number one caddy. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. Flavor Flav's in the running this year.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, my God. Bridget Nielsen.

[Adam Carolla]

That would be awesome.

[Gina Grad]

Pauly Shore.

[Adam Carolla]

I would watch that show. Yeah, yeah. Next. You know, next top caddy.

[Gina Grad]

America's next top caddy.

[Giovanni]

Maybe to incentivize celebrities to come on Celebrity Rehab, Drew should offer. Hey. The winner of this season, Tiger W. Woods, is caddy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I wonder. I know the caddies do something like, they go like the greens, playing a little left or right or something. But what really could you tell Tiger woods about golf? I don't know what these guys. I. They are. Would he argue? You know what I mean? I know they help them somehow, but they're. I mean, look, I understand. Like, there's jobs. Like, if you're in a rally race and you're the navigator, that's a pretty important job. You're telling the guy to turn left or turn right. But isn't he just carrying the clubs?

[Mike August]

He's telling him the windage.

[Gina Grad]

And can't he lick his finger and stick it up himself?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Cooler move is pull off some grass and throw it in the air.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, to see which way it goes.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm so cool. I throw it in the air, and I immediately look down and walk away. I'm so disinterested even in my own game.

[Giovanni]

Throw over your shoulder.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Keep going.

[Gina Grad]

So jaded with the way he tosses the grass. Well, that's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that was the news with Allison Rosen. Hey, if you want to support the show, and I know you do, check out Amazon. It's back up, it's running, it's working, and all the great stuff you've done in the past and all the great support you've done. When you want to buy something on Amazon, you just go through our link, go to AdamKorolla.com and click on Amazon. We get a little credit for it and it's all copacetic. So whatever you were doing before with Amazon, do it again. That's all we're saying. And also Groupon support the show this way. They have a speaking of golf, like I said, you know, instead of a round of golf for 90 bucks, it's 45 bucks. All these great local. It's local to where you are. So wherever you are, if you go to the Groupon link that's on our website, they'll tell you a whole bunch of deals that are local to you and everything from your wife, kids, kids, toys, whatever, amusement parks, whatever, Groupon. All right, so if you want to support the show, do that. Brendan Wayne, this has been just a bit of all right. I really appreciate you coming by. Cowboys and Aliens Friday next Friday, July 29th. You can go to Cowboys and AliensMovie.com you can Twitter Brennan en, Brendan Wayne. And other than that, we cool. Brendan?

[Mike August]

Yeah, I think we're all good.

[Adam Carolla]

Good times, buddy. Good seeing you come back again, please.

[Mike August]

Love to support the Valley guys.

[Adam Carolla]

So until next time, this is Adam Crollo for bald Bryan, Brendan Wayne and Allison Rosen saying mahalo.

[Mike August]

Yeah, I can do the gooch.

[Giovanni]

All right, that's Adam Kurillo show 615 from 2011. Coming up next for our final clip today, we have Adam Kryllo Show 1581 featuring Lake Ridge great Arlie Ermey, Gina.

[Adam Carolla]

Grad and Brian Bishop.

[Giovanni]

2015. Check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, it's Adam Kroll from the Adam Kroll the show. Betonline is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting from the earliest odds to in game live betting. Betonline provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they happen. With the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA and championship boxing. All your betting needs in one place. Head to betonline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun. Make these games in these events, in these combat sports a little more interesting with BET Online. BET Online. The game starts here. Yeah, it'll be fun. We'll be there. There'll be some racing dignitaries and luminaries and whatnot. And sonny boy, he's bringing Gina, Gran. He's bringing two stuffies.

[Lynette]

Oh, huh.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sure. Of course. Petey and Malibu Marty, the travel stuffies.

[Giovanni]

Skeleton crew.

[Adam Carolla]

And he's also bringing two blankets.

[Lynette]

Sounds fair.

[Adam Carolla]

Two Huggy Boogies.

[Lynette]

What I'm bringing to Vegas.

[Adam Carolla]

I said to him, I said, listen, it's called Huggy Bookie, not Huggies Bookies. It's one. You have your one. You have your one blanket. No, no. Traveling.

[Gary]

Are you kidding me?

[Adam Carolla]

Traveling with two. He's gay. Yeah. Petey and Malibu Marty. And we'll be sharing the same bed as long as he's got his breathe right strip on or I'll choke him out. Those blankets.

[Giovanni]

A lot of accessories for accoutrement. That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, mama had to pack garnishes. Oh, my God. Look out, world. So I got some exciting news about Indy. I know about these sort of ride along things. They have a stacked. Gary can find a picture tandem IndyCar and Mario Andretti will drive you around the circuit. You can go round, you know, you're probably, I don't know, probably get about 175 miles an hour. Mario Andretti drives. And I said, oh, that sounds cool. What is it? In the morning? And they said, no, it's right before the race. Right before the race. So with 300,000 people there, you get to be the only guy, well, two guys, but the only car on the track doing just some hot laps with legendary Mario Andretti piloting the thing.

[Giovanni]

Awesome. Who's he taking?

[Lynette]

Are you split on this? Because that's a lot of eyeballs on you. And I know sometimes that's not.

[Giovanni]

He's wearing a helmet.

[Adam Carolla]

You're exactly right. No, you're exactly right. My first thought was cool. My second thought is every. It's 300,000 people and I don't have any.

[Giovanni]

It's a lot of people yelling.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not Roger Daltrey that's going around the track now. Let me say this. I don't have a. There's a lot of people, you know, I don't know, Letterman or whatever. Lots of folks out there that have some kind of weird sort of agoraphobic whatever, whatever. They're. Oh, they're all. Fuck. Oh, they're struggling. They're Struggling with their art and this, that and the other. I don't have that. I really don't. I think Brian will test all the time he's known me. I have no, no problem walking out and saying hi to people and whatever, taking pictures, whatever. That doesn't matter.

[Giovanni]

I would not describe you as reclusive. I say you enjoy your own time with your own thing.

[Lynette]

But you don't like to showboat necessarily.

[Adam Carolla]

My idea is go to a place like this, put on my sunglasses and ball cap, grab a cold one and just melt into the background.

[Brian Bishop]

Sounds good.

[Adam Carolla]

That sounds good to me.

[Lynette]

I don't know if there's a height or weight requirement, but would you let Sunny take a lap?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think they'll let. I don't think you can have. I would guess nobody under 18. Unless. Make a wish, because then what are we really talking about? You kiss that wall or you just kiss the top of the mahogany box. Either way, it's a few weeks apart.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, kiss. Kiss life goodbye.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But probably a thing. I imagine you're gonna have to sign a few things before you get into the car.

[Lynette]

Death and dismemberment.

[Adam Carolla]

And I imagine Gary will scare me, but those Indy cars are going like 230 now. So Mario, when he's doing 175 is cruising. And 175 in an open cockpit car is going to feel fast. Yeah, it is. Also, someone was saying to me, Matt, when we were doing Carcass, was saying, well, how are you as a passenger? We know you like to drive the cars and race the cars, but how are you as a passenger? And I say I sit shotgun while Mike August drives my car with 550 horsepower in it like a fucking asshole.

[Giovanni]

Please tell me you're bringing a beer.

[Adam Carolla]

All the way. With a beer between my legs. I mean, I've driven all the way home from Fresno after like doing two shows back to LA with Mike driving like an insane person.

[Giovanni]

175 is not a significant amount over what you normally drive.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, Certainly he's doing 95, but he's darting in and out of fucking vans filled with Mexicans like. So at least we're not gonna have that obstacle on it. So I'm pretty cool with it. So the tandems go up to 180. So there you go.

[Lynette]

It's gonna be awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Can I ask you. Oh, God.

[Giovanni]

I was gonna ask you a follow up question. Your earlier thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you.

[Giovanni]

When, When. When fame was new. When you were maybe MTV or loveline or whatever. Was it a novelty? Did you enjoy it? Did you sort of like, let's go out and meet some people or let's say, you know. Or did you think of it differently? Or was it always this? I wouldn't call it a burden. I would just call it.

[Lynette]

It's not.

[Giovanni]

Why you do this, an annoyance. You know what I mean? The quote unquote, fame aspect of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't even want to call it an annoyance. It's something that is hard to label because it runs very deep. It's something that my family sort of instilled, unwittingly instilled in me at a very young age, which is, who cares? You're invisible. Why does anyone want to talk to you? So.

[Giovanni]

But notoriety was not foisted upon you like in a reality star who doesn't deserve it. You were funny or you were a good host or whatever. You know, you earned it.

[Lynette]

But I don't know that that matters in the psyche of what he's talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

I wanted. My idea, by the way, was to write greeting cards.

[Giovanni]

You can still do it, buddy.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Giovanni]

Keep dreaming.

[Lynette]

Breaking this is breaking news.

[Adam Carolla]

I wanted to work with a whole bunch of people in the writer's room and, like, sit around, eat Chinese food and write jokes like that. That was number one. Some of the. Then radio felt pretty good because you just sat in a dark room and spoke into the microphone. And then the greatest, I don't know, two years of my life was being a writer for Jimmy Kimmel Live. I wrote during the day. I was a writer, completely anonymous. And then at night, I'd go do Loveline again. Just sort of in the shadows with.

[Giovanni]

A hood over your head.

[Adam Carolla]

Hood over my head felt. Felt good. So it's weird, but I don't own a convertible. I've never owned a convertible. I will not drive it. I mean, I'm not weirdo. Just my idea is a gray car with a tinted window, and it's going to cruise through life that way. And listen, there are plenty of things that contradict that in my life, and I cannot explain to you each circumstance. I have no problem with people. I have no phobias of people. I don't fear people. I don't fear germs. I don't fear them physically. I don't have anything with anybody. My whole thing is just to kind of. It's more confusing to me that people would want to say, it's not a bother. It's psychologically confusing coming from where I.

[Lynette]

Come from, right how serious could you get about this Adam Carolla greeting card thing? Because I think there is money to be made.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm happiest when I'm at home in my bathrobe writing shit down on a steno pad. So it could be very, very, very good. You gotta figure out a way to turn a fucking buck doing it. All right, let's see. So that's fun. And, you know, I also think in terms of my son. So he'll be down there with me, Sonny, and he'll have mild Boom. Marty and Petey with him and one Huggy Pookie.

[Giovanni]

Does he roll with the Stuffies? Wow. That's his pit crew.

[Lynette]

Are you gonna allow that?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it's funny. I said to my wife today, like, jesus Christ, with the stuffies. And she said, don't shame him. And I said, he can't be shamed.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that's the problem.

[Lynette]

It's a superpower.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He really. It's too late.

[Giovanni]

It's the new Chris D'Elia Show. Unshameable.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. His whole thing is like, you're just jealous because you don't have Stuffies, old man. In a way, yeah. All right, take a knee. With next week, Jamal Wilkes coming up this coming week.

[Giovanni]

Keith Wilkes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he was Keith.

[Giovanni]

Walt's name was Jamal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

My dad's a big fan.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got four rings with the Lakers. I think he's one of these guys. You want to talk about timing. His coach in college, Wooden.

[Giovanni]

John Wooden.

[Adam Carolla]

John Wooden. John Wood. So he gets there.

[Giovanni]

I don't think he's ever lost a game in college.

[Adam Carolla]

He's at UCLA during the run, where they win, like 58 games.

[Giovanni]

80 something.

[Adam Carolla]

80 something games in a row. He's there for that run. Then he goes over to the Lakers. There's a Golden State.

[Giovanni]

I think he won a championship with Golden State.

[Adam Carolla]

Then he goes to the Lakers and wins, like, three more.

[Giovanni]

Yep. Under Pat Riley, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think so. Pretty. Pretty good timing, right?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, pretty. I told my dad, I'm like, hey, Jamal Wilkes on the show. He's like, I was there. My dad's a huge warriors fan. He was there during. When they won the championship in 76 or whatever. It was like, great player won for us.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of my boy and his huggy bookie and his Stuffies, daddy stopped talking. You can pre order it now, and you can get a Barnes and Noble and Ibooks and more and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Click to our website, Amazon, all that and daddy, stop talking it's good. Get on the New York Times bestseller list and be fun for the kids. They're in the book. Why not?

[Gary]

Daddy, stop talking.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's see. What do we have? Oh, excited man. Arlie Ermey is coming in. I gotta tell you, the first time I saw Full Metal Jacket I was just like God damn, who is this guy? Who is this guy? And that. That movie for me, second half good. But in terms of movies where you just go the first 45 minutes or 50 minutes like of a movie does not get much better for me than Full Metal Jacket. And that's mainly because of R. Lee Ermey.

[Giovanni]

He has the very awesome distinction of being the best part of the best part of a Stanley Kubrick movie. That that's first line in the obit material right there.

[Lynette]

You know what I was thinking about and let me know if you agree or not. Do you kind of think he was that Generation's J.K. simmons in terms of terrifying character actor?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think you're there. I think he's.

[Giovanni]

There's a lot of similarities in those two characters for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

But it was one of those things where you heard where he was the DI who was doing the instructing for the actual consultant.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then this one. Why not just get this guy to do that?

[Giovanni]

A ballsy move too for a director to be like the non actor is going to star is going to be the most memorable character in this film.

[Adam Carolla]

But you know, I don't like to talk about myself but do it just this once. Okay.

[Giovanni]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Movie. A little movie called the Hammer and I needed a boxer to be in the movie. I just put boxers in the movie. I had left Jeff, left Hook. Lacey was the guy I fought. So why not? He can act. There's one thing I know he can do. Look and act like a box boxer convincingly. And they're pretty darn good at it.

[Giovanni]

Well, boxers are.

[Adam Carolla]

Are show.

[Giovanni]

They're in the. They're ring alone in the spotlight. They're showman.

[Adam Carolla]

We didn't have a even have a very moving gay scene by the lockers. You just got to get in and.

[Giovanni]

Be in that deleted scene people. It's on the dvd.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you got to be. It's just an intimidating thug up there inside the ring and scare the out of me and punch me in the head. And I think you can handle that. That's what you do. Alright. I'll tell you. Speaking of jobs. Smart mouth. Love these guys. Young men, we need three things in life. Well, not me I'm not young. Food, money and some sex. And down, man. Mm. Getting close to a woman who got bad breath. Gina, could there be any. What do they call them? Nipple killers?

[Lynette]

Exactly. Nipple softeners.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Then bad breath.

[Lynette]

No, that's hard because the whole point is to be really close to somebody, and that is a rough gig.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Smart Mouth activated mouthwash. It gets rid of the bad breath and you get lucky. I keep the lozenges, the mints, whatever you want to call them. I just keep them in the car because a long drive with the coffee mouth after you run out in the morning drives me nuts. Smokers, pot, cigarettes, whatever, it's all good. And they have the little travel packet ones where you just rip the head of it off and just shotgun it down.

[Lynette]

And I started doing the power move because of you.

[Adam Carolla]

The sonic toothbrush. With the mouth full of this stuff, the Jacuzzi, your mouth has never felt fresher. Don't get breath blocked. Find Smart mouth, Shiny Green Box, CVS Pharmacy or anywhere you shop. Do it [e-mail]. alright, so we told you guys, we do this Lord of the jungle thing where each week we just pick out the person that made, oh, I don't know, the most interesting in our mind. I went through it with Gary today while I was skipping my rope in the back. You know, it's a power move. Working out in front of your minion.

[Giovanni]

First have minions second work out in front of them?

[Adam Carolla]

No, but you don't see those movies where the guy's in his office and he's running on the treadmill.

[Giovanni]

Parenthood.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right, Right.

[Giovanni]

Adam, Steve Martin's boss.

[Adam Carolla]

It's such a power move. It's like we're definitely on my time, my time right now.

[Giovanni]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I skipped the rope in front of Gary.

[Lynette]

Is the next move gonna be the rub down on the table in a meeting?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You know, I called you into this warehouse.

[Giovanni]

You worked those muscles.

[Adam Carolla]

So lactic acid buildup. I skipped my rope. And we're talking about it. And it basically came down to one guy had bought. We couldn't figure it out either. 48 rolls of toilet paper or 96 rolls of toilet paper.

[Lynette]

Either way, impressive.

[Adam Carolla]

I called it a double pack. Gary and I started arguing.

[Giovanni]

Did we establish that the contest is not open to employees.

[Adam Carolla]

And the other was a guy who played the electric piano and bought. Theoretically, plays the electric piano and bought an electric piano. What is it? What'd he buy?

[Lynette]

Yamaha dgx.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And paid around a thousand bucks. Nice. Nice purchase there.

[Giovanni]

Hammer Action digital piano.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, I bet this guy can play, so get him on the blower. And by the way, when you tweet us, send a picture of your receipt so we can keep it all in line here. You got something. Oh, George of the Jungle.

[Giovanni]

The jungle.

[Brian Bishop]

What did the person buy?

[Adam Carolla]

Probably while high. Does anyone else remember that theme song?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, watch that cartoon.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. All right, let's see. Robert. Yeah, Adam. Get it on. Thanks, man. Where are you calling from?

[Giovanni]

Garden Grove, California.

[Adam Carolla]

She bought electric piano. Technically my birthday was in March. And instead of my whole family just buying different gifts, they actually pooled all.

[Gary]

Their money together and bought this piano.

[Adam Carolla]

And knowing the click through, I put.

[Giovanni]

It all in my card and bought the piano.

[Adam Carolla]

Showed up two days later. If you replace piano with big wheel. I did the exact same fucking thing when I was a kid. When I was a kid, I was like, look, all you losers. Instead of all you losers buying me. I kid you not. In a Corolla family Christmas grab bag ceremony, one of the things that my dad pulled from one of the other losers that brought one of their burnt offerings was a shrimp devener. A shrimp devener? A shrimp devener. It's a little weird pickle fork with a plastic shrimp on.

[Giovanni]

First up, a small sprinkler key.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody. We're completely landlocked. We're Corollas. Nobody to eat the shrimp. Who buys shrimp? Like why? Hey old man, why don't I get a bra for your Ferrari? So when you're driving your place in Palm Springs. Oh, wait a minute. You don't have anything fucking retarded. God damn. Fucking shrimp Devehner. It's ironically hysterical because no one could afford shrimp or had shrimp or bought shrimp. But that's the kind of shit people would get. So I said, fuck that. Everyone just give me your money. $20 from mom, $20 from dad, $10 from like my grandparents. And I'd buy a bike part. Some red line forks or something that I wanted. So, Robert, sorry to hear you have a loser family as well, but. No, I have actually awesome family. They. They all pitched in like it was only. It was only like four people, so it was quite a bit of money. All right, now, how old are you, Robert? I'm 28. You need people pitching in on a thousand dollar item, huh? Yeah, well, a little bit. Okay. I'm also an aspiring filmmaker, so a lot of money. All right, now can you play this?

[Giovanni]

Money bags. Thousand dollar items.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That's a big ticket.

[Lynette]

I can't do that now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So you're knocking on the door 30. I like to see be able to handle that yourself. All right, let's see here. Can you play it for us? Well, yeah, no pressure. You're making me sound like I'm an awesome piano player, but I did kind.

[Gary]

Of learn something just from you.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, can you guys hear this? Yeah, unfortunately, yes. Okay. All right, here we go. Help them.

[Giovanni]

This is the best whole music, Mother.

[Adam Carolla]

How pumped are your upstairs neighbors that your family chipped? Hold on. Wait a minute. We got to figure out what Teimo Salani liked. Wow, that sounds awesome. It sounds awesome. They're playing tonight. Oh, they are? Yeah. Emu and Tamu. Hey, whatever. Yeah, yeah. Damoshek's gonna be on pretty soon. You guys been wanting him to come on. He'll be coming on. Hey, Robert, shut up. We're gonna send you out some show swag. Awesome. That's so awesome, Adam. Appreciate it. And thanks for being this week's Lord of the Jungle, man.

[Lynette]

Impressive.

[Adam Carolla]

Sweet. So again, it was that or a huge chub pack of toilet paper. I thought you can't really play toilet paper. And if you do, it's not a sound you want to hear.

[Giovanni]

Tell Fondelier.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Lord, lord, lord of the jungle. Can't believe the crap they bought.

[Brian Bishop]

Must be high on pot.

[Adam Carolla]

So AR Lee's out there, right?

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't wait to see Gunny. By the way, he used to do a show called mail Call, which I love.

[Giovanni]

Did it for years.

[Adam Carolla]

Love that show. All right, so real quick, John. Yes, sir. 26 Bay Area. Yeah, Walnut Creek, but Bay area, sure. Good enough. Mm. Yeah. Hey, I'm some. Besides John Stamos, have you ever seen any yogurt commercial that's, you know, had a man involved in it? Well, Stamos there, they're aimed at women. All yogurt. All yogurt is aimed at women.

[Giovanni]

Duty yogurt.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, and I'm boycotting that because of that very reason. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Why don't they get, like, Randy Macho man Savage, you know, like they did with Slim Jim.

[Giovanni]

Died three years ago.

[Lynette]

Snap into a faye.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why you didn't let me finish.

[Giovanni]

Okay, sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Ask spokesman a type.

[Giovanni]

A Randy Macho man Savage type.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You didn't let me finish. He's gonna be the macho man's gonna be missed. But my point is, I think. Gina, you can tell me that. You tell me. I don't know how this works. Women are obsessed with. Okay, first off, they were born with a God Given ability to swallow semen.

[Giovanni]

And how.

[Adam Carolla]

Whereas for men, it's difficult.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Now listen. We can push past it. We can get past it because we're champions.

[Giovanni]

Not following a semen.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Lynette]

You don't want to say hero, but.

[Adam Carolla]

The gauntlet has been laid down. But the point is. So you're. Genetically. You have a genetic predisposition toward gooey things. See what I'm saying? You have an advantage. Whereas we like to chew. You know what I mean? We're chewers. Crunch. Yes. And we're crunchers and chewers. Absolutely. You understand, I'm a humper and a gatherer.

[Giovanni]

Masticators.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not really. That's right. We like to masticate thing.

[Giovanni]

I like to masticate all day long.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So we want steak and barbecue. And you guys want.

[Lynette]

We want gogurt.

[Adam Carolla]

You want go gurt. Right, Right. So you have that. So that's number one. Number two, I think chicks probably have a little more of the yummy gene than guys do. Hence the apple Te versus scotch. Not all, but, you know, most women. The wine coolers directed toward the women and the brews toward the dudes on average. And now you got. Always watching the weight. Always something with the weight going on. So you got those three things. Predisposition for eating goo and the weight thing. And the yummy gene. The yummy gene. Now we factor in something going on with the digestive tract or the bowels or something which women. All right. Theory I've never posited before, but here goes. Guys, when they need to blow some gas, break something off, will get up and walk to the part of the room where the other guys are too fart. Whereas a woman might hold it in. Or they'll go outside. A little shame. There's a little shaming going on down there.

[Giovanni]

Or just keep it in for eternity.

[Adam Carolla]

For eternity. Yeah.

[Lynette]

We don't have a point system like you guys do.

[Adam Carolla]

I believe that's why most women carry purses. So they have something to fart into discreetly. Discreetly.

[Lynette]

How did you know?

[Adam Carolla]

So there's stuff going on down there. They worry a little more. Lot of yogurt meets worrying. Means I can't let a fart fly.

[Lynette]

Equals.

[Adam Carolla]

Equals a lot of pressure building down there with all kinds of things going on in the bowels. Yeah. And the gis. I think per capita, maybe women have a little more going on down in that part of that region of their body. And for all those reasons, we need somebody. Well, it's funny because Jamie Lee Curtis kind of straddles that.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, straddles the man woman barrier.

[Adam Carolla]

But I think for all those reasons, the stuff is guided toward women.

[Lynette]

Interesting. I thought it was just because it came in a dainty color and guys don't want to carry around on day two.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't like four and a half ounces of anything. The thing about yogurt is you're always done with it before you get two scoops into it and you're like, ah, fuck, we're done.

[Giovanni]

There it goes.

[Adam Carolla]

Still waiting for a yogurt company bold enough to come out with my fruit in the middle idea. Fruit in the bottom. When you got to sink that thing in there and it goes all the way up the side of the spoon, God willing, no can do.

[Lynette]

However, though, the only thing that I think might possibly put a hole in that theory is, is the jello pudding pack, the little chocolate pudding cup. You people seem to like those.

[Adam Carolla]

When we're high.

[Lynette]

Okay.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And we're just doing that because we know you're watching. But hey, let's see. Paul 41. Hey, get it on Ace, Minnesota. Yeah, man. Yeah. Say, worried about those left turn signals that you're always. Yeah, man. It's like telling you guys about the power move from the other day.

[Giovanni]

A jump rope in front of your minions. Because you told us about that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I started with the left turn, just turning left through the arrow. And then I started going around the sheep that were lined up waiting for the man. This time I went around them and slid into the intersection because oncoming cars were coming.

[Giovanni]

That's bold as a bold.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a power move. Yeah. You got to work your way up to that one. But I'm there now.

[Giovanni]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm now also at going through red lights in jettison. I just look to the right. I look to the left. Like on side streets. You ever get that one where you're going down? Like it's going down Topanga Canyon and it was just a side street that led into it. Especially on the three wayers where there's like nothing to the right and only to the left.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a place on Cahuenga where there's like a driveway that goes up to a housing complex, but it's not really a street. I used to see it every day. Driving into Caelis X at 5:30 in the morning, I just go, oh, fuck that. I didn't slow down. Like it's somebody's driveway. Nobody's on it. Sure. Why is it? Well, I don't know why it's red.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. 5:30 in the morning when the sun's down is definitely a good time to.

[Adam Carolla]

Run red lights and look in your rear view. Look, if you don't see any cops, you'll never get a ticket. You'll never get a ticket. Just fuck it. As Dr. Drew always brings up, and rightfully so. All parking lights after like 2am or midnight, you should just flash.

[Lynette]

Oh yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

True. Why are we sitting in a deserted intersection waiting for this thing to cycle? When you've stopped and there's nobody around, assess the danger. I shall drive on and I'll actually.

[Lynette]

Go one step further. I drive in to work about 4:30 in the morning and I gotta tell you, I don't really feel safe sitting there in my car in the middle of Hollywood waiting for a light to turn green.

[Adam Carolla]

You're.

[Giovanni]

When eating a probiotic yogurt.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

You get it when I get this ticket. When I get the ticket and I still never have, I will fight it and I will say to the judge, do you think it's safer to sit in the middle of Barham Boulevard or PCH or wherever you are in Culver City at whatever time it is with cars zooming both directions past you? Or in the middle of the morning, middle of the night with a bunch of drunk drivers sitting there versus getting on to your destination? Because I think you're putting me in danger by forcing me to sit here for no reason in the middle of the street.

[Giovanni]

Your example of cars zooming by in either direction could be construed inappropriately. But don't bring that up for the judge.

[Adam Carolla]

No. When you car zooming by all around, left and right.

[Giovanni]

So I gotta go, man. I gotta run that red light.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. PCH cars will be coming up from behind you at 65 miles an hour. People die frequently on PCH Pacific Coast highway and coming at you. If you're gonna sit there and wait long enough, somebody's gonna come by you at 65.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying go when you can. I know. It just. Yeah. Bruce Jenner thing. All right, gunnies out there. Beautiful. I'm so excited about this. Do we have this little animated thing? Gary. We wanted to play. And by the way, Gary has the highest ways ranking possible.

[Lynette]

Of course he does.

[Giovanni]

Is that the knight is knighted or crowned.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm royalty. He's knighted. This is a little something we'll throw up. Where we're gonna throw it up on the website? Yeah, you can check our website, Twitter, Facebook, it'll be everywhere. This from the Audiobook and somebody just animated it. So Gary thought it'd be funny to show.

[Giovanni]

This is called the buffet.

[Adam Carolla]

The buffet. Following morning, it's time for breakfast and everybody wanted room service. This is a nice hotel. They have a very nice buffet upstairs that again, is free. So I say, no, we have a free buffet. Let's go up there and eat free at a place with an omelette bar and a guy making waffles and putting smiley faces on it with whipped cream. Let's use our free buffet. I'm glad everyone's heart was in the right place of ordering super expensive room service when we could have just walked upstairs and went to one of the nicest buffets around Lake Tahoe. But okay, I win the battle and we go upstairs to the horn of plenty. Of course, in the face of all this food, there's only one move for Natalia. She scans the entire buffet like the Terminator analyzing the room, looking for his target. She's trying to find one item they don't have. She does so and announces she wants chocolate chip pancakes. I told her, you have eggs any way you want, waffles, sweet rolls, regular pancakes. No, I'm not paying for pancakes. You have a free buffet that has everything. She wanted chocolate chip pancakes. And that was that. And Lynette backed her play. She successfully found a way to make me pay. I just hate the idea that when I was 5 or 6, if you set me loose in a buffet, I would be running around like that scene in Tommy where he finally regained his hearing and his eyesight just down the street, jumping, clicking my heels together, high fiving the guy working the omelet bar, not looking through the menu for the one thing that wasn't contained in the buffet so that daddy could fucking pay for it. It's not just the money. It's the principle. There was a Mexican guy in a hat who would make you any omelette you wanted. No, she needed the one thing they didn't have. The next day before we left, Natalia wanted chocolate chip pancakes again. I put my foot down. I wanted to send a message. The terrorists hate us because of what is in that buffet. There are 233 food options. I wasn't gonna let something that would have been the greatest day of my childhood go so wildly unappreciated. I told her, go to the buffet and find something to eat. She walked in, grabbed a sticky bun and a little melon, and she was fine. But I got a heaping helping, a stink eye from Lynette that, yeah, that was awesome. Oh, my God. How wish it wasn't true. I wish it wasn't.

[Giovanni]

Super expensive chocolate chips, $100 hibachi, blue cheese, cat feces. I know the guy who animated that. His name is James. He did an animated scene for my audiobook.

[Lynette]

I remember that.

[Giovanni]

And he came to me back in the day. He's like, hey, I'll animate a scene for you for free if you just let me do it. And I was like, thanks, man. And then he wanted to do one for you. And I hooked up. Mike lynch. And good to see him doing the work.

[Adam Carolla]

The jrexperiment.com is where you can go. Yes.

[Lynette]

I have a quick question about that story and I don't mean to ask. Fuel to the fire. And Lynette is one of my favorite people on earth. But why did she back Natalia on that?

[Giovanni]

She wants the best for her kids.

[Adam Carolla]

She's a good mom.

[Lynette]

Yeah, the best was up there.

[Adam Carolla]

Lynette is in love with those kids. And it's like, it's not, oh, you don't have to do your homework. You do. Or that teacher's wrong. But anything that has to do with food is just like, absolutely. Like, we would be driving home from the beach and those kids would be like, I'm hungry. And I'm like, you have a breakfast bar in the back. And we're three exits from getting to our Pull over. And I'd be like, pull over. Like ram a lunch truck. Like, we'll be home in four minutes. You can eat. Then it's like this chorus of pull over. We gotta. She loves the bejesus out of them and any. I think. And she's Italian, so anything. Food. Food is like sacred. I get that. And your mama bear, I make all the money, so whatever they want is what they get. But great with the. Oh, no, you do your homework when it's time to do the homework before.

[Giovanni]

You finish your chocolate chip pancakes.

[Adam Carolla]

Then we start on the champagne from the same trip. Time for Nicaraguan. Name that movie with Adam's buddy Oswaldo.

[Brian Bishop]

See if you can guess which movie this famous line is from.

[Adam Carolla]

Romel, you magnificent baster, I read you book.

[Brian Bishop]

If you said Patton, you magnificent bastard, I read your book.

[Adam Carolla]

You're correct. Now back to the show. Pickle. Pickle. I was gonna say tickled. Camouflage. R. Lee Ermey in studio. The show gunning time with R. Lee Ermey. Huge fan, by the way. Wednesday's 8:00 on the Outdoor Channel now. Good to see you, AR Lee Ermey.

[Brian Bishop]

It'S good to be out here with you. It's first time for me here in this studio. What a cool little place you have here. This is really neat.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, thanks. I'm a huge fan of yours.

[Brian Bishop]

It's kind of like a big man cave.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to get into all the stuff I. I loved Mail call. The older version of this show where you're just out firing most the things you wanted to fire most, but not all the things you wanted to fire.

[Brian Bishop]

And I did. I wasn't allowed to go to some of the places I wanted to go, so. So we. We've got the new show, and it's called Gunny Time. And I run the show, I write the show, I produce the show, I direct the show. I own the damn show, and I host the son of a gun. So, you know, I can do any damn thing I want to on the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, in the old formation of it, in a mill, to use a military ease, you would drive military knowledge on our guest Adam. He'd drive tanks, he'd fire, you know, bazookas and do a bunch of really cool stuff. But this one, you're taking it to a new level. So give us. Give us an example of something.

[Brian Bishop]

We've always driven the tanks, we've flown the airplanes, we shoot the guns. And my philosophy is, if you can't drive it, fly it or shoot it, we blow the goddamn thing up, plain and simple. And the people that are working with me agree with me 100%, because if they don't, I do like Obama does with the goddamn generals. I fire. That's the way it works.

[Adam Carolla]

When did the whole thing. So for you, I mean, being in Vietnam and being in the Marine Corps and all that kind of stuff, let's just work forward. Let's work from the back the beginning and work forward. You were at military school because a judge ordered you. After you've been arrested a few times, you're getting into trouble, like when you're a teenager.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yes. The judge recommended that I go to any branch of the military. He gave my choice. He said I could go any branch or he was going to put me where the sun never shines and I love sunshine. So I ended up going in. First of all, I wanted to join the Navy because my father was a squid. And so I went to join the Navy. They found out that I had a little bit of a juvenile record. I was a little bit of a hellraiser around town, and they didn't want to have anything to do with Me. So as I was walking out of city hall, I noticed this stand up poster. It was a cardboard cutout marine sergeant in dress blues. And I took a look and I'm farm boy from Kansas. I didn't even know what the Marine Corps was at that stage of the game. And I saw that and I thought, well, hell, if they wear that kind of a uniform, they really couldn't work too damn hard. It might be something I want to look into here, you know. And I walked into the recruiter office and he was sitting there with his sergeant. He was sitting there with his feet put up on the table and he was reading a Mad magazine. And he immediately put his Mad magazine down and asked me how many pull ups could I do? Jump up on the door sill and do push up pull ups. And like I said, I was a farm boy. Hell, I throw bales of hay around all the time. So I was a pretty wiry strong little guy. So I jumped up there and cranked out about 15 and he stopped me before I was finished and said, you're hot. Sign here.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's see. There's so many parts of this story that would never probably happen today. Like you. You could sue the guy now if he told you to perform something like that in front of him. And then there'd be a big issue because the female couldn't do as many. And there'd be a picketing and all kinds of bullshit. And also the judge knowing that you needed discipline, he just knew you needed.

[Brian Bishop]

But judges can't do that anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, but now what, what we would do? Sue the judge in school. The school or your parents would come down and sue somebody.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, what happens now is the judge doesn't, doesn't have that option. So he has to then send you where the sun never shines. Well, bullshit. What's wrong with the option? There's many kids that get in a little bit of trouble that would much rather go in the military.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah. No, there should be a school to military pipeline.

[Brian Bishop]

American Civil Liberties Union would have that for lunch though. You know as well as I do that's.

[Adam Carolla]

I do, but here's what I don't understand. You are given an option. You're not forced to join the army, the Navy, Air Force or the Marines. It's that or prison. So one may say that's not much of an option. But look, we're talking to delinquent. There's a reason you're in front of me. I didn't just go to your house while you Were doing your trig homework and drag you off of your, your dining room table.

[Giovanni]

You found us.

[Adam Carolla]

You found us. And now. And by the way, there's nothing that kid needs more than discipline and a good father figure.

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

He needed a guy like you.

[Brian Bishop]

The judge did, right? I mean, he gave me a choice. I choose the Marine Corps went in. The Marine Corps. Boy, did they wake me up. I was no longer a juvenile delinquent after I finished boot camp and it squared my life away. It straightened me up. But you have to stop and understand the people that make the laws, the civil liberties type individuals don't like the military worth of damn. They do not like the military. So they don't want you to have that choice.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the thing, let's just look at it this way. They don't, you know. You know the problem is that they don't like the discipline and the regimen and whatever. And they want everyone to think like a woman and become a woman or for men and women to become sort of one. Young men need discipline, especially the ones that are getting in trouble.

[Gina Grad]

What are you talking about?

[Adam Carolla]

My boy shall be fine. He's not leaving the house without his stuffies and his huggy boopies.

[Brian Bishop]

Society has neutered the youth, the young, young men of this country. Shame, shame on them. Or they're doing the best to.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. So what we do is the exact opposite of what we should do, which is the young, 17, 16, 18 year old guy, male, is getting into trouble. So what we do is try to build some sort of therapy plan that's going to help get him out of this trouble. It doesn't work. He needs you walking through the barracks banging on a trash can with a wooden spoon at 6am and Cole never went a maggot.

[Brian Bishop]

And I don't care what the psychologists say, it is effective. Discipline does work. I mean, my father bent me over his knee many times and performed corporal punishment on my young behind. And that worked pretty good, I thought. And I turned out just fine. My drill instructors occasionally landed one in my solar plexus. And really, boy, did that wake you right up. I mean, it's not like dad spanking you when some big grizzly guy comes up and walks you, gives you a smack in the solar plexus, who has.

[Lynette]

No emotional investment in you whatsoever.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, he does because you're now his. You're his boy, you're his kid. And he's gonna turn you out. You're gonna be squared away and you're gonna be one tough little individual when you graduate? Because that's his job. That's what he does for a living. And I was that drill instructor as well.

[Adam Carolla]

How long were you at DI?

[Brian Bishop]

I was just short of 30 months down at Marine Corps Recruit Depot in San Diego. Hollywood Marine all the way.

[Adam Carolla]

And when did the whole thing with Full Metal Jacket? How did that even come about for you? I mean, you weren't dabbling? You weren't taking groundlings classes at night or anything?

[Brian Bishop]

No, that was actually my fifth film was Full Metal Jacket. I was in the Philippines. I was the single guy. I got medically retired out of the Marine Corps, got hurt in Vietnam. And I decided, well, hell, I liked it in the Far East. I would go back to the Far East. You can live over there on this retirement little small retirement check, like a king. So I went back to the Far east, had a couple of bars, a whorehouse.

[Adam Carolla]

You had a whorehouse?

[Brian Bishop]

Was doing quite nicely. Yes, of course, it was quite acceptable. There's nothing wrong with that. As a matter of fact, I think we should promote that idea right here. You'd have less rapes.

[Adam Carolla]

Your mouth, your mouth to Satan's ears.

[Brian Bishop]

But the thing is, I, by the.

[Adam Carolla]

Way, I do the math. When, you know, single guy living in the Philippines did the math way before whorehouse.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, anyway, I was in the Philippines and I was. First of all, I went to Okinawa, Japan. I was at bars there in my whorehouse givvy house.

[Adam Carolla]

How's your pimp hand today? Still strong.

[Brian Bishop]

What's that?

[Adam Carolla]

Your pimp hand?

[Brian Bishop]

My pimp hand?

[Adam Carolla]

You don't know what a pimp hand is? No, I'm not kind of a strong pimp hand. How many girls did you have?

[Brian Bishop]

I had. Maximum was six. At one time I had six. I was down as far as three. Because they. They keep getting married. You know, they meet some young PFC that falls madly in love with them. The next thing you do, whores out there getting married. For Christ's sakes. The attrition head hunter or whore hunter. We always had to sign out, you know, we were always looking for new talent.

[Adam Carolla]

So the bar was separate from the whorehouse?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it was. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, no, but we could get a drink at the whorehouse, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Actually, I had four. The fourth one that I had, I built. I bought a hotel and the girls came with the hotel. And the mama son that I bought it from insisted that she wouldn't sell it to me unless I kept her ladies employed. So I.

[Adam Carolla]

Good mama son.

[Brian Bishop]

Absolutely. Look after the troops. That's what we do, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So chocolate chip pancakes all the way around.

[Giovanni]

No man left behind.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, by the way, on your yogurt thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Men would eat yogurt if they had such thing as bacon yogurt and Spam yogurt.

[Gina Grad]

Good point.

[Brian Bishop]

Banana and strawberry yogurt. Get out. That's girl stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Passion fruit. Yeah. All right, so you got the whorehouses. You're doing the Philippines. Philippines. I'm guessing easier to start a whorehouse in the Philippines than, let's just say Malibu or an Encino or something like that. In terms of the permitting.

[Brian Bishop]

In terms of the permitting, there was very little required. Okay. We did have to have a sign association come in. They would send around the corpsman. Every couple of months, the corpsman would come around to my establishment and check the ladies out, make sure that they didn't have any destructive diseases of any sort. And my girls were always clean, so we never, ever had a problem. We never got shut down. But a friend of mine, one of my customers came in, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

If I was like 21 and living in Manila, I'd be like, first piece of business, get a corpsman outfit.

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

This is going to be awesome. Corpsman here.

[Brian Bishop]

Gynecologist.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

But anyway, so a buddy. A buddy of mine came. One of the customers came in one day, a young Marine corporal, and said, hey, they're getting ready to start shooting war movies, Vietnam War shows in the Philippine Islands. So I sold my. Everything that I owned in Okinawa, Japan, and I moved. I went down to Clark Air Force Base, jumped on Space A, and went over to the Philippines.

[Adam Carolla]

What about the promise you made to Mama San?

[Brian Bishop]

No, I told her I couldn't do our house over to a very reliable source.

[Lynette]

That's all you need to know.

[Brian Bishop]

Another retired Marine.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so he kept them employed.

[Brian Bishop]

Absolutely. And when they weren't real busy and when times were slack, he would use the product, you know?

[Giovanni]

Come on, you gotta keep it fresh, like playing pepper.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so you realize they're doing all these Vietnam movies. Like which ones?

[Brian Bishop]

I did Boys and Company C, Purple Heart, Siege of Firebase, Gloria, Apocalypse Now. I did. By the way, Full Metal Jacket was film number five.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So they. They're needing real Marines or the people who are. What are they needing? Why. Why. Why do they need you?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I was. Would sign on as technical advisor because I had Vietnam experience. And so I. I'm a retired Marine, so I would go on board as technical advisor with all these Vietnam War shows, and. And I would always be asked to do a role. The director would Always ask me, well, could you do this role right? Sure. Hell, yeah, I can do that role. No problem. So I did five films and I. As technical advisor, but I appeared. I was acting in all five of them. So I finally got to thinking, you know, there's really no damn money in technical advice. The guy that makes the money is the guy that's standing in front of the camera over there. So we made that transition, but Kubrick. I had almost quit the business when Stanley Kubrick called up with Full Metal jacket. That was 87, and I accept that was 85.

[Giovanni]

Oh, when he called you?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, we. We released the film in 87 and we started filming in 85.

[Adam Carolla]

I got a film before the release. I know you know a lot about the film.

[Brian Bishop]

After it's released, Stanley called me up and asked me if I would consider being his technical advisor. And I had read the novel the Short Timers by Gustav Hasford several times. And I accepted the job as technical advisor simply so I could get my foot in the door. Because I had my eyes the role of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman. And in my mind, there was no one in this world, in God's green earth that could do that job any better than I could. I wrote everything I said in the show.

[Adam Carolla]

It sounded exactly like. Came out of your head.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I was a drill instructor. I guess if that holds true. I guess if we wanted a doctor In a movie, Dr. Welby, we'd go to the hospital to hire a freaking doctor. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And what I do now, you get an Indian chick and it ruin the whole thing.

[Brian Bishop]

It certainly is easier if you know where you're coming from.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? So you. Stanley, didn't know it, but you knew it when you. When you signed on. And you've done enough films where you've realized that these guys aren't stupid. They see what you're doing and eventually.

[Brian Bishop]

They go, so, technical advisor, now I have to teach these guys how to do drill. I have to teach them the rifle manual. I have to teach them everything that they need to know to be a Marine. I have to send these young actors through Marine boot camp. Well, Stanley Cooper, I had him film it. I had Stanley's assistant tape me teaching these recruits, these actors how to be recruits, how to be Marines. And of course, Stanley watched it. Next thing I know, Stanley's calling me up and asking me, okay, all right. How much do you want? What do you. Will you do this role?

[Adam Carolla]

Did he have anyone hired for that role?

[Brian Bishop]

He did.

[Adam Carolla]

He did.

[Brian Bishop]

I. I won't tell you the name of the individual that he had hired. But he did have somebody hired. He paid the contract off. And I've gotten the young actor, I think, three, four jobs since then, I happen to know.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's that?

[Brian Bishop]

I felt a bit guilty.

[Adam Carolla]

A young Donnie Most.

[Giovanni]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Donnie Least, I guess, Ralph Mouth from Happiness. Oh, of course.

[Lynette]

Can I ask you, was there anything you did during the course of the movie when you were being a technical advisor? Anything where Kubrick or anyone was like, oh, no, I don't think we should play it that way. And you're like, I know what I'm doing.

[Brian Bishop]

Never.

[Lynette]

Nobody bumped up ahead bumped up against you?

[Brian Bishop]

No, I. Matter of fact, I would get off track. That's where the line came from. And my favorite line in the film is, you look like the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even ever. Gambit, goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach around. Well, that. Just see God. God sends these things down to me occasionally. I was in a tight situation. I was in a tight situation where I had lost my lines and I never stop. I'm not one of those guys that just says, I'll hell them off line. I'll just quit. I continue to go. And that came out of nowhere. I don't know where that came out of. But I work better under pressure. We'll put it that way.

[Adam Carolla]

Were you nominated for that role?

[Brian Bishop]

I got a Golden Globes.

[Adam Carolla]

Why, no goddamn Best Supporting.

[Brian Bishop]

I won Best Supporting Actor for the. From the Boston Society of Film Critics, but not, certainly not from the Academy. The way Stanley put it, somebody could take a giant shit in their mouth. They wouldn't know talent, period. There. If it's not a musical, they don't want anything to do with it.

[Giovanni]

But victory has come in the form of time. I mean, it's an iconic role. People must bring it up to you all the time.

[Brian Bishop]

Full Metal Jacket.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, right.

[Brian Bishop]

I live with it every day.

[Giovanni]

That's what I'm saying. People must bring it up to you.

[Brian Bishop]

I've done 75 movies. I've done 75 films. And the one that's brought up more than any, of course, would be Full Metal Jacket. I did two Texas Chainsaw Massacres. I wrote everything I said in those two, and they turned out really good. They're not my genre. I can't watch a horror film film. Just not exciting to me. You got the cat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Jumping out of the music.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, I gotta tell you, I don't know who we should say who was nominated that year, but.

[Brian Bishop]

Morgan. Morgan, I Think it was Morgan. Morgan Fairchild, Morgan Freeman, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he may have won, but I, I don't. My thing is, is all right, you can argue over who should win and who shouldn't win, but I want to know who's nominated because it's gonna piss me off. Because here's the thing. They're guys who in the supporting roles who are in like two and a half scenes and women as well. To me you were at least the first half of that movie. I mean that was all you in private pile.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I don't have a problem with it because I gotta tell you, Adam, every damn door in Hollywood flew open for me. I haven't stopped working since and it's been a great life, period.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I'm looking pretty tough. Pretty tough that year. But Connery and the Untouchables, Vincent Gardenia and Moonstruck.

[Brian Bishop]

Moonstruck's Morgan Freeman. There he is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but Vincent Gardenian, Moonstruck. Did we really need that one? We couldn't have. Arleigh Ermey and Sean Connery was kind.

[Giovanni]

Of the career achievement, you know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

The Academy had a big problem with Stanley, that's all.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh really?

[Giovanni]

Oh, he, he, yeah, he was an outsider.

[Adam Carolla]

He just them off.

[Brian Bishop]

They didn't know. He called him dirty names. I mean, he didn't give him any slack.

[Lynette]

Well, and I can imagine they'd also have a problem with nominating someone who doesn't have a vast acting background. How dare you let this person into our exclusive club.

[Brian Bishop]

That too, trust me. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Was Moonstruck one of the more overrated movies?

[Giovanni]

Moonsh. Awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Why? Why Cher needs to be nominated for that role.

[Giovanni]

She was alright. Nicolas Cage was fantastic, but she was.

[Adam Carolla]

All about her getting her not. She got nominated for that.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Say what you about Cher. She's neither here nor there.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she was the whole movie. She won. She's here and there.

[Lynette]

Brian.

[Giovanni]

Sorry, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm saying overrated and all right, but here's what I'm saying. Cher.

[Giovanni]

Overrated.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Cher, yes. The person who won the best actor in that movie was not that great.

[Giovanni]

I'm bored with that.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, where was I? QuickBooks. Yeah. If you work for yourself, you work from home, you're self employed. QuickBooks separate your business and personal expenses. Take the guesswork out of your estimated quarterly and yearly taxes, maximize your deductions like the home office and the mileage and keep more of your hard earned dough. Ramey, find out what QuickBooks can do for the self employed like you and try it out. 30 days free. Free. 30 days. Try it for 30 days. Try selfemployed.com Adam that's self. Ah, sorry. Tryselfemployed.com Adam tryselfemployed.com Adam and there you have it, everybody. QuickBooks, baby. 30 days free. All right, so the new show, Gunnytown with Arlie Ermey again, outdoor channel, 8:00 Wednesdays. I'm setting my TiVo to that now.

[Brian Bishop]

I think we've. We've had four episodes aired so far. And the word is that we're the highest rated show on the. On that channel so far right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what's not to love? I mean, it's Arlie who's just got. I think we call and he's firing out of a cannon. What did. Give us? How many you have in the can? Do you have them all in the can?

[Brian Bishop]

We've got 11 in the can right now. We just. Matter of fact, I just came from the ADR as and drove straight over here.

[Adam Carolla]

So what is the cool. We're looking at a picture you firing a Gatling gun of some kind?

[Brian Bishop]

No, it's a. That's a minigun.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not a. It doesn't have Gatling.

[Brian Bishop]

3,000 rounds a minute. It is a Gatling gun, but it's called a minigun. Well, it's got six barrels or six or eight barrels.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you just can't fire that many bullets a minute unless you got a bunch of barrels, right?

[Brian Bishop]

3,000 over. Actually, it'll go from something like three to 4,000 rounds. Make an adjustment, but who needs more than 3,000 rounds? Come on. What does that take around?

[Adam Carolla]

Is that like a. One of those called Phalanx guns? What are those? What are you supposed to be doing with that gun?

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, what's its application, shooting a Mercedes Benz? Actually, it was the wife's car, and I had a little problem with it coming down to work that morning. So I said, well, let's just shoot this damn car. And so we pulled over her car. She was a little pissed off about it. You know, what the hell, I got her.

[Adam Carolla]

You should at least let her get out.

[Brian Bishop]

I bought her another fine, nice used car to drive around in.

[Adam Carolla]

Previously owned. What is that weapon made for?

[Brian Bishop]

It's made for war. They actually mount them?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they mount it. They must mount them.

[Brian Bishop]

They mount them on Humvees. You see these black cars, These black cars that. They're in the convoys. They're like. Looks like soccer mom bands. Well, they have got These black cars. Now, the roof pops out and the gun pops up, and they can defend the convoy. Also, helicopters have them stanchions, and they shoot. You can't miss with this gun.

[Adam Carolla]

How hard is it to hold that gun?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, no, it's always on a tripod or a stanchion.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it looked like you were holding.

[Brian Bishop]

I am.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's what I'm. That's what I'm asking.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm tough, see, I'm a dude. I can do this.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I know I'm saying it. This isn't what it's meant for.

[Giovanni]

Well, if a predator is chasing the John Arnold Schwarzenegger, then you can hold it.

[Brian Bishop]

And yeah, we did that spectre for the show, you know, because it looks really great. Schwarzenegger with these 60s, you know, two of them. Nobody can do that. But still, this one's made for that. Now, this gun is so. It's so fantastic. It's on a stanchion in a helicopter. You can actually start the rounds going down range. About every fifth one is a tracer. So you can actually watch your stream of bullets going to the target. Now, it's like being out in the garden with a garden hose. And you want to water this or you want to. To squirt this bumblebee, or you want. You can't miss because you look at the stream. And that's the same way with this Dillon Minigun. This thing is just such an awesome weapon.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you need every fifth one to be a tracer when you're shooting out that many?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, the thing is, it's nice because it looks good. We want to be lethal, yes, but we also want to look good while we're doing this style.

[Adam Carolla]

So would that be. Or throw out the coolest thing that you rode in or blew up or operated that season?

[Brian Bishop]

You know, I. I flew the F15. That's pretty cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that a Tomcat?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, it was the F15. I. I'm not sure what, what the. They call them Tomcat, but it's the F15. It's one of the fastest jet fighters that we have. I went up to Oregon National Guard.

[Adam Carolla]

Up there, articulating wing one. The one.

[Brian Bishop]

No, I got the wrong swept wing, but. But it's a fast little machine. They took me, put me in the back seat. We went on a mission. He took me straight up off of the Runway.

[Adam Carolla]

Straight.

[Brian Bishop]

Boom. Just like that. And after about 5, 10 minutes up in the air, he asked me, would I like to fly? Well, yes, I'd like to fly it. What Am I? Of course. So he let me fly it, and I was a little bit hesitant, a little ginger about it. And he says, gunny, that's not the way you fly an F15. And he took it and he said, this is the way you do it, man. He jerked that.

[Lynette]

He used his pimp hand.

[Brian Bishop]

I mean, he stood that thing up on his tail. He did all kinds, and by the time I got finished, he let me have it back. By the time I got done, I was doing Hurley whoops and all kinds of cool stuff with it.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a lot of fun, hard earned, taxpayer dollars.

[Brian Bishop]

It were. You know, it's. It's like our military has to go on maneuvers, you know, so they was actually doing that. They were buzzing a parade. So they were actually on a mission. But as long as we're out there on a mission, why not have some fun? Can't be all work and no play. You know that.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, make Jack dull boy. All right, should we do. What is. What am I thinking of? 18. What the hell was Tom Cruise flying in? Top guy?

[Giovanni]

16.

[Adam Carolla]

But that's F16. I may have just been off by one.

[Giovanni]

Before we do news, can I ask Mr. Ermey a question that I always wanted to ask you? Mr. Ermie, one of my favorite roles you ever played was in Seven, the movie Seven.

[Adam Carolla]

You were captain.

[Giovanni]

We have a clip here. This is a 20 second clip of maybe my favorite of all time scenes of yours. Please watch this and tell me what. Okay, we're gonna watch the scene and then tell me what happened within this scene.

[Adam Carolla]

This is him, Morgan Freeman. Oh, man.

[Giovanni]

Morgan Freeman's about to explain.

[Adam Carolla]

Pissed. He wants his. He wants his Oscar back.

[Giovanni]

All right, Morgan's about to explain the crimes that are going on in seven.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me. Greed, sloth, wrath, pride, lust, and envy. Seven.

[Brian Bishop]

Hold on. Let's. Not even.

[Adam Carolla]

My desk.

[Giovanni]

It's a bit of a visual clip, but you picked up the phone. Not your desk.

[Adam Carolla]

Said that.

[Brian Bishop]

Hung up the phone just out of nowhere.

[Giovanni]

Was that improvised?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it was. Because the phone was not supposed to ring. Morgan is trying to do his lines. I mean, he's working hard getting his lines out. He's doing a great job. And the damn phone starts ringing. Now what are you gonna do? And I'm sitting there saying, this is screwing the whole take up. That's the only laugh in the entire show, by the way.

[Giovanni]

That's what I'm saying. That is in a movie that is so dark and depressing and scared that hilarious.

[Adam Carolla]

And God bless the editor and the director, for a lot of people went, oh, well, we can't use that scene because that scene was a. And then someone. Yeah, but it was really funny. The crew cracked up and everyone. Yeah, I know. But we can't use it because it wasn't part of the. It's like, no, use it. It's found gold.

[Giovanni]

Common trait, I think, in great directors like David Fincher and Stanley Kubrick. They. When this thing comes along that other people would dismiss, like, you know, the wants to be the actor.

[Brian Bishop]

The problem with most directors is they're very insecure. Many of them are very insecure. They have producers, they have people over them. And they don't have the liberty of just keeping something in or rewriting or changing anything in the script. They agree to the script, and that's the way it goes. In the editing room somewhere, somebody said, hey, that's pretty good. Matter of fact, David Fincher liked it, so he kept it in. So it works out.

[Giovanni]

I couldn't be happier. I'm so glad that was.

[Brian Bishop]

But it is the only laugh in the show.

[Adam Carolla]

I love it there is not gonna say underrated, but a movie very good.

[Giovanni]

Doesn'T get quite the do it deserves.

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't get on the rotation on the paid cable. And it's just not out there. As much as I'd like to see out there one day we'll put a list together of movies that I really don't need to see anymore.

[Giovanni]

Right. And the reason. See a little more.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'll tell you what, I need to see a little more. Ziviti. Zividy.com, z-I V I T Y.com it's an online community of over 3,000 models, 2,000 photographers and their fans. So it's not one of these? Well, nudity isn't required, but it's a lot of women on the site. I've checked out. Actually, Matt and I were checking it out today together in the bathroom. A fan can request any fantasy photo shoots with monetary boundaries and the artists enter to compete to win the fans prize. Wow. So you want to see some cool pictures? Everyone basically ponies up, lets you, tries to get the gig. And it's diabolical.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. Elaborate.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Over half a million photos, but some are not set. Safer at work. Well, if you work here, you're fine.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, certain work, perfectly safe.

[Adam Carolla]

Check it out at zividy. Z I v I t-y.com join and passcode enter Adam, try it out for 30 days free. It's hard to Explain. I would just say go there. Models photographers go there. And folks that like models or photographers go there. Z I V-I-T-Y.com join passcode enter Adam and you check it out for 30 days for free. All right, should we do a little news Gina Grad.

[Lynette]

Let's do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Give me news with Gina Grad. Wim shit out of Florida Sex servants Obama need news with Gina Gina Grad the news with Gina Grad.

[Lynette]

A man reportedly stripped naked in the Charlotte Douglas International Airport Wednesday morning after he became very angry about a flight to Jamaica that he was supposed to be on that had become overbooked. According to a bystander, the man was so angry that he'd been bump from this US Airways flight that he stopped yelling and just started disrobing. Stayed that way in the terminal for about an hour. Police confirmed that they responded to a quote disturbance call where a male was suffering from a medical issue. They said the man was taken by medic for treatment and will not be facing charges.

[Adam Carolla]

Going to Jamaica, man, man of age.

[Giovanni]

This is not a kid.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't even consider that news. Hell, I do that all the time.

[Lynette]

Every time you get pumped.

[Brian Bishop]

I. I don't get put on tv.

[Lynette]

See, I have a feeling he was going to like a. Not sandals, but one of the more sensual.

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly. Hedonism.

[Lynette]

He wanted to get a start.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got one of those Bermuda shorts.

[Lynette]

Tans going right down to the knee.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, the naked protest may be good for John Lennon, but not so good inside the terminal in terms terms of cops.

[Giovanni]

That is John Lennon.

[Adam Carolla]

There's got to be going that when that call comes in, you know where the person. 63 year old dude going to Jamaica, six four and his dong's hanging out. Yeah, go, go get that. Or the guy just takes the piss right on the floor because he's drunk or whatever it is. Don't you feel like you always have to have two guys underneath you if you're in that precinct? Yeah, like, all right, hey, there you go. Let's roll on that. And you know when the chick gets her tube top caught in the conveyor belt, luggage belt there, I'll. That'll be me.

[Brian Bishop]

Give me a ring more Real malfunction. You know, looking at that guy though, it certainly makes me feel a lot better about my body.

[Lynette]

That's important.

[Adam Carolla]

Can we. What is going on at the airports today? Can we. The prices are too low for flights, right? I mean you see people fucking napping like with their shoes off and they're bivouacking everywhere. They're just fucking pissing all over the place when they go into the stalls, the urinals. I mean, everything's just a mess at the airport now. Is it that? Is it become. See, it used to be if you wanted to see crazy people, you go to the bus depot because that's because it was $18 to take a bus to China. And that's why you got all the crazy people. But the airlines were more expensive, so kind of kept out some of the riff raff. Now it's like it will fly anywhere for $69. Welcome riffraff.

[Brian Bishop]

Little higher class the airplane, you would think, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, not. Yeah, not today though. Now it is probably more to take a bus or a train to the Bay Area from LA than it is to get a Southwest flight. Probably so thus new dude going to Jamaica.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm kind of really down on the airports anyway. Here we have the. This water problem. They tell me I can't water my damn lawn, I can't wash my car because of the drought. But yet I go sit down and take a dump at lax. Before I can get up, this goddamn thing is flushed four times, for God's sake. Splitter and stuff all over my butt. Cold water, that's just not good.

[Adam Carolla]

I talked to your wife. She says she wishes she could wash her fucking car too.

[Giovanni]

That's right. Would it be nice?

[Adam Carolla]

750,000 random in it. It's in the desert right now.

[Brian Bishop]

I bought her up.

[Adam Carolla]

What was it previously owned?

[Brian Bishop]

93 Ford.

[Lynette]

Seems fair.

[Brian Bishop]

They're sporty looking car this year.

[Adam Carolla]

You bought her a 93 Ford?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, something like that. Yeah, it's a classic, you know, it's.

[Adam Carolla]

A car Cannon used to drive.

[Brian Bishop]

Honey, I have a 58 Corvette that she, she could drive if she was real nice to me. A 58 Corvette.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it tough being married to Gunny?

[Brian Bishop]

You know, she loves it. She's eating it up. I mean, God damn, she hadn't worked a day in her life. So I told her what I'm looking for years ago now. We've been married 40 years. I told her when the time came, I said, you know, I'm looking for a housewife. I don't want you to work out, out of the house. You take care, raise the children and keep the house clean and feed me whenever, whenever I'm around and hungry. And she has done a great job of it. So you know, Mrs. Gunney has every credit card known to modern man. And she is one happy individual.

[Adam Carolla]

Where she Hail from?

[Brian Bishop]

She. We were up in the Antelope Valley and she calls the mall up there. Her mall.

[Adam Carolla]

Her mom, her mall.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I found her in the Philippines.

[Adam Carolla]

Did she have to talk to mama, son, before you took her back?

[Brian Bishop]

I did. I talked. Mom.

[Adam Carolla]

Was she. Was she a working gal?

[Brian Bishop]

No, she. She was. Well, she worked in a restaurant.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

But she's. She's a hard working, very good looking Filipino. Little Filipino. She still gets on that treadmill. She'll. She'll go for an hour on that treadmill, boy, keeping that weight down, trying to look good for the gunny. And she tells me that I still have a good looking butt. Yeah, this could be your future with a wife like that. We've never had an argument. What, never?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she doesn't speak English, only spoke Filipino. We would almost never argue either.

[Brian Bishop]

I tried to find that one and I couldn't find that one. So she speaks perfect English.

[Adam Carolla]

No arguing.

[Brian Bishop]

No arguing. She just refuses to argue. I'm game.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Yeah. You're eating.

[Brian Bishop]

I'll get a little upset and my voice, I'll start raising my voice a little bit and she just does it about face and disappears into the bedroom. She's in there making the bed and straightening stuff out. Busy and herself. And I'll generally take about 10 or 15 minutes to realize that I was in the wrong and go apologize to her, you know, but she's. She just is one of those little gals that just does not. She will not argue.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. She got a sister. Sister.

[Brian Bishop]

She's got 16 of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Brian Bishop]

16 kids in her family. I think she's only got about 10 sisters. But in the Philippines, you know how that works? There's no Social Security, there's no retirement. So you have 16 kids so that everybody. When you get to be old, you can't work anymore. All the kids kick in 20 bucks a month and you're taken care of.

[Lynette]

What order is she in the family?

[Brian Bishop]

I think she's three from the bottom.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you. Could you name four of her family members?

[Brian Bishop]

No. Good.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that about you.

[Brian Bishop]

I have nicknames for them. My favorite family name is Machine Gun. Yeah, Machine Gun's a pretty cool little girl. Got a lot love her. And you got Lisa. I could probably name all 16 of them if I were to sit here for five minutes and take notes. Write it down.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. But you could.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, yeah, I've known them all.

[Adam Carolla]

Have them kill themselves after the Pacquiao fight. So that's.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, they bury, trust me, the entire Philippine Islands very upset about very upset. I know my wife, she's still talking about it, As a matter of fact. Yeah. They think they got screwed. Took a good screwing on that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what's next?

[Lynette]

Well, speaking of planes and buses and trains, it looks like Elon Musk really is about to bring us high speed trains that run on fans and magnets. Musk is moving forward with his Hyperloop transportation system. He introduced it as a way to move people from LA to San Francisco in a train that goes about 800 miles per hour.

[Adam Carolla]

Get all the naked Jamaican guys and get them on that.

[Brian Bishop]

Who the hell wants to go to.

[Adam Carolla]

San Francisco from that naked guy does. Oh, come on. Brian's from the Bay Area.

[Lynette]

They're gonna break ground in 2016, and it's rumored to cost around 100 mil.

[Giovanni]

The whole thing?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

That's shockingly cheap.

[Lynette]

It's, isn't it?

[Giovanni]

$100 million?

[Lynette]

Well, fans and magnets, how much could they be?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what the. I mean, of course, if he's doing it. Look, if he's doing has to turn a profit, sure.

[Giovanni]

I bought Tesla stock a long time ago.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a believer. When you take a genius who needs to turn a profit, you get a super smart, functional product. When you take the government, you just get, oh, I mean, by the way, they're at the point where it's like, well, the bridge was supposed to cost $700 million and now it's up to $1.7 billion.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the way they do it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the way they do it.

[Brian Bishop]

And we all just go, we quote 100,000, $100 million. And then at the about six months into it, you say, well, we've run out of money and we're only a fourth of the way there.

[Lynette]

Well, that's how you get it passed.

[Brian Bishop]

So we're going to have to have a little more money. They're not going to say no, because you've already spent 100 million.

[Adam Carolla]

But if your business is remodeling kitchens or providing top quality content for the outdoor channel at 8:00 on Wednesday night, you tell them, look, it's 200 grand an episode. You don't then double back and go 1.75 an episode, because they go, fuck you. And if I go, I'm gonna do a kitchen remodel, it'll be $42,000. And I come back and I guess it'll be $671,000. The person who owns a fucking house goes, fuck you. Build the kitchen. This is the greatest gig in the world. Because when they just announce it, we all just listen on AM radio or see it in the newspaper or whatever it is. We all go, huh? What are you gonna do?

[Giovanni]

That's what it costs.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I guess it costs five times as much as they estimated. Yeah. Don't you think they have a pretty good handle? Like I do. Feel like if you're going to poison your husband, do it in the oatmeal and don't do it all in one morning.

[Giovanni]

You listen, Mrs. Er.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she. But she's going to go, no, but. But Gunny's going to bite into his oatmeal and he's going to go, this tastes like rat poison. You sprinkle a little at a time. So that's what they do. They go, look, if we say we need a kajillion dollars for the bridge, we're never going to get the bond. So what we do is we go look, 150. Well, let's make seem like he thought about it.

[Giovanni]

113.2 million, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Then everyone goes, all right, that seems good enough. And then while they're still in the planning phase, they go, we've run through that money. Now we need another 200 million.

[Giovanni]

You're invested.

[Adam Carolla]

Or we've wasted that money.

[Giovanni]

Or it's sunk. It's a sunk cost.

[Brian Bishop]

That's right. You can't stop in the middle of the project. Now we're. We're invested. You got half a million dollars.

[Adam Carolla]

I've said it a million goddamn times. Look, what do we need these fucking politicians for? Just hire the smartest guy in the land. And when I say land, I don't even give a shit if it's this land. Go wherever you want to go. Find that guy and just start pointing out problems. Elon, what's going on with the inner city school situation? What would you do him in? His fucking think tank guys would just get together, like that guy from Scorpion. The Scorpion guy, Walter O'Brien would get together and they just go, all right, we've crunched some numbers, we looked some data. Here's how we fix it. Boom. Done. Fuck the unions. Fuck anybody protesting. Fuck this. Gotta be passed through this. And let Elon do it. Unless you think you're smarter than he is.

[Brian Bishop]

The government, the way they solve the problem is it's obvious that it's underfunded. We throw money at the school. Throw another trillion dollars on schools, Everybody gets an iPad. When I was a kid, I went to a country school in Kansas. There was two rooms in the school, and there were two teachers, and the first room was Mrs. Johnson, and she had first, second, third, and fourth grade in that room, okay? Then you graduated up to the next room, which was Mrs. Vaught, and she had the fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth grades, okay? Now they keep handing me this crap about overcrowded schools, school classrooms. Hey, they're teaching all one class, aren't they? Come on, Mrs. Johnson. Mrs. Vaught had the whole one wall up there. At the front of the classroom was blackboard, chalkboard. Over here. This section of the chalkboard was for the first grade. This section was for the second grade. And the thing is, the beautiful thing about it was by the time you got into the fourth grade, hell, you. You knew everything that the fourth grader is supposed to know because you've been there for three years already.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the part I never get is when they're like, some of these kids can't afford pencils and paper and basic tools. And it's like, what? What are you talking about? It's fucking chalk and a chalkboard. What do you need? You need a chair with a desk attached to it and chalk and some eyeballs and a goddamn brain attached to your fucking eyeballs. What are we getting into all this out there? Oh, no, they need supplies. They don't even have supplies. Many schools don't have basic supplies. Like what supplies Are we talking about a pencil?

[Brian Bishop]

Sure, give them a pencil. Now, I keep. See, that brings to mind every evening when I'm watching tv, I keep seeing this advertisement on TV saying every six child in America goes to bed hungry. Give me a damn break. Are you kidding me? You got food stamps, you got. Got welfare, you got all these programs and every six.

[Adam Carolla]

Every six kids, they've modified it. They modified it. No, they're lying. Well, they're lying. Of course they're lying. What they say is they have food insecurities. I mean, the super fat kid with the early diabetes has food insecurities. Yeah, he wants to know where he's getting his next churro. You're talking about food insecurities. We're insane. By the way, what we had to do was with goes to bed hungries. We had to do the same thing with global warming as we do with climate change. Well, it's not getting warmer, so let's just call it climate change. And everyone's just getting fat and everyone's got a ton of food, so let's just call it food insecurities. And that way we can just. It'll apply to everybody. Everyone has some. Gary, got some. Food insecurity. Good, you're in. Good. Dawson, you're in. Gunny, you're in. We all have some food. I'm not getting enough yogurt. I'm on a dan and all.

[Giovanni]

Yogurt for women.

[Adam Carolla]

Food insecurity. Count me amongst those people. Bullshit. But the next ad you see is your kid's fat. You have to start cooking a more fresh fruits. Fruit, you know, fruit, vegetable and produce. Blah, blah, blah. So which is it? Bull fucking shit. I'm so tired of. What is this? Why did we decide to bury our society in a stream of it's never going to work out. You're going to bed hungry. Who buys all this shit? I mean, I remember 15 years ago I used to see the billboard, 56,000Americans die of secondhand smoke. Every year I go in and say, Dr. Drew, you're a physician. Yes. Have you ever treated anyone for secondhand smoke? No. Have you ever heard about it? No. Has there ever been discussed in your colleagues? No. Is there a celebrity you've heard of that's died or dignitary? No. Then about two years later he pulled out a JAMA article and he said that they think as many as six people may have died of secondhand smoke. A far cry from 58,000 or whatever was on the fucking billboard. No, they're the billboard. These guys, they can lie because they're doing the Lord's work and they're much smarter than we are. So all they need to know is we need to shut up. They can lie as much as they want and all we're gonna do is listen.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't think it's because they threaten think they're smarter than we are. I think that they just consider us idiots is the way I look at it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Whether they're fives and we're twos or they're nines and we're fives. Either way, they're a couple notches ahead of us. They know what's best for us. And if we have to lie and exaggerate a few numbers to get our point across, so be it. It's better I know what's doing. That's how I get to play God when I'm an atheist. Go ahead. Sorry.

[Lynette]

Well, Letterman's final show happened Wednesday night and some other late night shows insisted you watch it. Jimmy Kimmel ran a rerun to encourage you to watch the finale. And Conan O'Brien, along with guest Patton Oswald, insisted you change the channel as well. Here's a clip From Conan that night.

[Adam Carolla]

How close are we now? Steve, that's you. 45 seconds. This is death. No, no, no. Can we cut that out? Not have that in the segment? Which part? This is death. Oh, this is death. People watching TV love to hear a guy look into the camera and say, this is death. That kills in the Midwest.

[Lynette]

Then they go on to say, okay, set your DVR right now and switch over. Switch over. Stop watching us switch over.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you, by the way? No. Look, it's smart in the sense that Jimmy's a true fan of Leto and he inspired him, but no one's gonna get any shares in the demo that night, right? So why bother? Why even burn calories on a. On a. On a show? It's.

[Giovanni]

I. I assume their fans will DVR their show and watch it later. But it's distasteful, right? Isn't it? Is it kind of a bad form?

[Lynette]

What do you mean?

[Giovanni]

To run us, to have a show.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Giovanni]

Oh, you don't.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, See, I never up that late, so I could really care less whether Leatherman jumps off cliff.

[Adam Carolla]

Me neither. I feel like. No, I think if it's the last episode of Seinfeld, Married With Children. Still gonna run an episode against it or whatever it is. I mean, it's this news that way. Whatever. Whatever it is. But I think a lot of. First off, you probably had a hard time getting bookings that night, because a lot of guys are like, I'm here to plug my book or my TV show. No one's gonna be watching, you know, that night, number one. Number two, some of it's out of reverence, and then some is just out of pure practicality. Like, fuck it, we're not gonna get any ratings. We'll run. Run a good rerun, by the way. You run a rerun, you can have George Clooney in your rerun. You run a booking, you're gonna get me. So you're fucked. So do I'm gonna Kimball next week or Clooney. Which one's better in that situation? Better to have a rerun of Clooney. That's. That's what I'm saying. Actually, what I'm saying is Trunk club, man, take the pain out of finding great clothes. Trunkclub.com Adam, just answer a few simple questions. I did over here. Just got some cool pants and a sweater from those guys. Matt. Make sure I bring that home with me. By the way, I got to look nice when I go on the road. You approve what you pick, and you don't Pay for anything than what you approve of and for. So. So the trunks arrive. Try on the clothes. Make sure you look good. Make sure you like all the stuff. The stylish. You get a stylish. And the stylus and the trunk and the shipping are 100% free. You only pay for the clothes. So no subscriptions, no hidden charges. And you get started on trunkclub.com Adam. That's trunkclub.com Adam. All right, what do we.

[Lynette]

Well, a restaurant in China is offering discounts.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, hold on. Letterman. That was interesting. What I was kind of looking for. I liked having no guest. And then also my DVR cut it off. So I didn't.

[Lynette]

Everybody's saying that. Mark was talking about that this morning on the show.

[Giovanni]

I recorded the next show. Just. I'm like, this is gonna go a long way.

[Lynette]

Everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say this? Folks who do this DVR stuff or design software, whatever. If there's a sports game, a football game, supposed to be three hours, it'll say, do you want to add an extension? And you'll go, yeah, if it goes into ot, I do want to add an extension or whatever it is. So you always do that if you're going to DVR the Super bowl or any game that you want to watch. When there's the last show kind of thing.

[Giovanni]

Something notable.

[Adam Carolla]

Something notable. Something that looks like this thing could spill over. Yeah, this thing could spill over a few minutes from its a lot. You know, they've done 33,000 shows that lasted 60 minutes. This may last 62 minutes. Go ahead and give us that option.

[Giovanni]

There's a good chance those last two minutes will be poignant or compelling.

[Adam Carolla]

I could have gone without the two minutes in the middle with the Vietnamese guy running around with the deli, but not the end part. So it's. I don't know. So I didn't even think to because it's so regiment, those shows. I didn't think about it. You're smart. I didn't think about it, but I'm glad he went with no guests. I guess Bill Murray or the Foo Fighters was his last guest.

[Lynette]

The top 10.

[Giovanni]

Top 10, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but I mean just that. Sit down. Guest. Sure, I agree. I wanted. But this is, I guess, Letterman in his purest form, which is like, I didn't want him to come out and start with a monologue about things that were going on and stuff like that. I wanted some moment where he just like pulled up a stool and just had a conversation with the audience. Yeah, just the camera the audience, whatever. I just wanted a, I wanted a five minute segment of. Not highlights from the past and not bits that whatever and Our last top 10 list and all that stuff's fine. But there is that one moment where I just wanted him to go, look, here's where I started out. Here's where I ended up. Here's my philosophy. You know, I wasn't able, when I was doing this, I wasn't able to really talk about what I thought about politically or about this topic or that topic or whatever else. Let me tell you a few of the favorite parts of my show. Here's a couple guests that drove me nuts.

[Giovanni]

My intensive purpose is David Letterman is always David Letterman. The character. I mean, he's not a character, but you know what I mean? He's not the same guy as. I'm sure he's at home, you know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

I just wanted one little moment.

[Lynette]

Well, you, you might have missed it. I don't know if you saw the last few minutes. But he did sit at the desk. He didn't get up. He sat at the desk. He said his thank you. He showed his wound, he showed his wife and kids. He said, you know, what the show has meant to him. And then he said for the last time, you know, good night.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, that was the last two minutes. That's the two minutes that he missed out.

[Adam Carolla]

But what I'm saying is, is I wanted a totally like stripped down, raw. Like I, I, I felt like he was still performing and I didn't want him to dance the last show. I wanted him just to pull up a stool and like just start. Tell us a story, tell us a few things. We'd love to know. Yeah, it was great. You know what it felt like to me though? It felt like this is our 25th anniversary show, but Monday there'd be another show, or Thursday there'd be another show. There's a highlights from the last 25 years. But last show with this kind of relationship, you know, talk about the kind of guy Larry Bud Melman was, or a couple of producers that passed on or just do that thing where you'd sort of drop the performer veneer for a second and just come out there. Maybe not even wear a tie. I agree.

[Giovanni]

Just, just would have. Interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Giovanni]

Anyway, did you see the who fighters? Sorry, did you guys see that was. No, they had a great montage.

[Lynette]

And you know why he chose that song? They, they did Everlong.

[Giovanni]

Was it because of the heart surgery thing?

[Lynette]

Yeah, that was the song they said got him through Recovery for his heart surgery. So it's a meaningful song for him. A restaurant in China is offering discounts to women who wear mini skirts. And the shorter the skirt, the bigger the discount. To get the maximum discount of 90%, the skirt has to be 13 inches above the knee. Of course, a staff male uses a measuring tape to determine the skirt length.

[Adam Carolla]

Reminds me of Mama San back in the day, huh, Gunny?

[Giovanni]

Well, he's stunned.

[Brian Bishop]

I know a couple of those girls.

[Adam Carolla]

You turned them out, huh?

[Brian Bishop]

I'll be damned.

[Lynette]

Did you have the same kind of philosophy when you.

[Brian Bishop]

Rosie. Rosie's gone some. She's made something of herself.

[Giovanni]

It's like a coaching tree.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe the judge told her to go be a whore.

[Lynette]

She had two options.

[Brian Bishop]

She had choices, I'm sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What's it like in the Philippines? What goes on over there?

[Brian Bishop]

It's awfully warm.

[Adam Carolla]

It's warm.

[Brian Bishop]

A lot of pollution.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of pollution.

[Brian Bishop]

Buku pollution. You would think that it would be clearer skies and no pollution because it's an island. So you would think that the trade winds would bring in fresh air off the ocean. Every day you have a monsoon season where it does rain. And they call them typhoons, they come through their hurricanes. But overall it's a very kind of laid back, relaxed lifestyle. Nobody gets in a big rush. You know it's on the equator. Come on, you know it's hot over there.

[Adam Carolla]

I told everyone the closer you get to the equator, the less automotive production happens. Like you got to get away from the equator to get BMW and Audi cars like that you got. The closer you get the equator. And we've checked no car in 2015. There's no country that's near the equator that makes cars.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, they do. Oh, yes, I'm sorry. They make what's called jeepneys and they manufacture. They manufacture these from the frame up and they're very colorful.

[Adam Carolla]

They're not there wicker involved though.

[Brian Bishop]

No, there's no wicker. But it's like the design of a fighting cock. Lots of color. Colors and horns that go.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not talking about clown colors. I'm talking about autobond burners here.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I don't think they make these for export. See, that's. That's where you're.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're hung up on this four wheel mopeds that.

[Brian Bishop]

Look jeepneys and, and they, they drive people around in these jeepneys. It's like taxi cabs only or a.

[Adam Carolla]

Small bus of some sort, airbags included or.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't think there's any airbags, but there's always old mama san with a big, big washtub full of dead fish and stuff like that. And some old man with his fighting cock under his arm.

[Lynette]

Does it look anything like that?

[Adam Carolla]

That's not what he's talking about. There it is.

[Brian Bishop]

That's Jeepney. Yeah, they make that. They make that from scratch.

[Lynette]

Looks like a Humvee school bus.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder what they put it on.

[Brian Bishop]

They just. They milk. They build a chassis. They used to. The way they got started with this is all military. We left all this military stuff behind after Second World War.

[Adam Carolla]

I knew it was us.

[Giovanni]

Those are all cars.

[Adam Carolla]

That's us.

[Brian Bishop]

But they put diesel engines in them and the. The driver owns it and he'll have his route. He'll have a Mercedes.

[Giovanni]

It has a Mercedes emblem.

[Adam Carolla]

It sure does. Mercedes suing the out of them right now.

[Brian Bishop]

That's classy. You're saying that no other country. Give me a break. That's pretty much on the equator.

[Adam Carolla]

Johnny Takes a big man admit when he's wrong. Showing up by the GP clown bus. All right, one more. All right.

[Lynette]

Are you underpaid? Well, now you can find out for sure. A new online survey called Value My cv. I'm sorry? Service called Value My CV lets you scan your resume. And then based on your work experience, education and skills, it calculates how much you're worth in the job market. And there's even an Email My Boss feature to allow you to send the results to your employer.

[Adam Carolla]

But don't you have to also tell them where you're at? Oh, because this thing's out of Britain. But don't you have to kind of tell them where you're at? Because if you're working in San Francisco or Manhattan versus Iowa, that is a different pay grade. I mean, lawyers in Iowa start off at $71,000 a year, but you're in Manhattan, it's 114,000. So.

[Giovanni]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Seems like you have to say where you are in that. In that thing.

[Lynette]

Yeah. Maybe they adjust for it, but I don't think.

[Giovanni]

Philippines.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Mama. Silence. Pretty tight with the purse string.

[Brian Bishop]

I think the minimum wage still something like 10 bucks a day in the Philippines.

[Lynette]

A day.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Do they have a minimum wage?

[Brian Bishop]

I believe it's something. Yeah. I don't think it's a minimum wage. I think the average wage, they would consider it. The average wage is something like 10 or 15 bucks a day. Not a lot of money.

[Adam Carolla]

How many whorehouses did you run?

[Brian Bishop]

Just one. Only one?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, wait a minute. I thought there was one in the Philippines. What other one in Japan?

[Brian Bishop]

No, that was in Japan. Oh, Okinawa, Japan. I had three bars. The fourth one that I bought was a hotel. Gutted the bottom, had base maintenance come out with their hammers and nails. And it was right outside Camp Hanson, Okinawa.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's where he opened a whorehouse.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. So we gutted the bottom and that was the bar.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You don't put it outside of Amish country. Do it outside the base? Yeah, do it at the base.

[Brian Bishop]

You wouldn't have any competition.

[Adam Carolla]

What percentage of whore housing is done by locals? Like just dudes who live in the neighborhood?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. You mean.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean like just the guys. Customers go, yeah, oh, sure.

[Brian Bishop]

There's no problem with that.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I just mean most of the guys enlisted looking after your.

[Brian Bishop]

You properly go down to the local.

[Adam Carolla]

House of prostitution, would you see a lot of those guys come in?

[Brian Bishop]

We had steady customers who were local. Like I say, half my girls got married about every two or three months. Some PFC had come along, falling in love with them and madly in level. But then, you know, they're in the States here.

[Adam Carolla]

But that guy, that guy's from the service. I'm talking about local dudes, not local from the base.

[Brian Bishop]

They had their. Basically their own places to go.

[Lynette]

So yours more of a tourist trap, basically.

[Brian Bishop]

It was right outside the base of Camp Hanson? Yeah, Marine Corps base. So all of. Almost every one of my customers was marine. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

The locals had their own.

[Brian Bishop]

That was back in the old days. Now, you got to understand that doesn't happen these days.

[Adam Carolla]

So sad.

[Brian Bishop]

You see what happens when the FBI gets caught having a little bit of a party and a few ladies of the night come up to the rooms and stuff, fire them and everything. Good Lord, man, it's getting rough, isn't it?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, my feeling is if you're going to put your life on the line, you should be able to pay for a blow job. Yeah, it's your money. It's your life. Because you think about a lot of these guys. I mean, especially during the day. You know, you're 22 years old, you're going out on a mission the next day. Don't you want to get late that night?

[Giovanni]

Absolutely.

[Brian Bishop]

Of course, you see the prices. Back in my time, we're talking the 60s, 70s. Well, let's go down the early 70s. How much for the poo poo platter? The game was seven bucks for a short time and 1050 for all night. I mean, how could you not get. Take advantage of a deal?

[Adam Carolla]

Like that.

[Brian Bishop]

Come on, go up to Las Vegas and see how far $10 gets you.

[Lynette]

That's like when they do that. The half salad for $10 and the full for 11.

[Adam Carolla]

Go for the 11. Yeah, go for the 11. All right, let's bring it home.

[Lynette]

I'm Gina grad, and that's the news. Nipple softeners.

[Adam Carolla]

Gina. Gina.

[Brian Bishop]

That was the news with Gina grad.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah. Dollar shave club. Man, I hope. Are there any of you that haven't joined dollar shave club? Because that is absolutely insane. This is. You just save a bunch of time, you save a bunch of money, and then you check that box where you just never have to deal with it again. They got the two blade, the humble twin. They got the four blade. That's the four x. And then there's the one I use. That's the six blade, executive. Either way, get it for you. Get it for a friend. Get it for dad. Get it for your son. I don't know how old he is.

[Giovanni]

I'm gonna blow some people's minds here. Good for the ladies.

[Adam Carolla]

Great for the ladies. I was just gonna say my girlfriend is all about this.

[Giovanni]

Kristy uses these exclusively now. She uses expensive whatever, the Venus.

[Adam Carolla]

She gives them as gifts at baby showers and bridal showers.

[Lynette]

Genius.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, that's what you should really do because it turns out you get the gifts. Sometimes you get the sweater and you don't like it. Or you get the toaster oven. You already have one. Get this.

[Giovanni]

Don't got these.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so let's not drag our feet anymore. Try$shake. DollarShaveClub.com Adam. That's DollarShaveClub.com. let them know you heard it here. You get a deal. DollarShaveClub.com Adam. All right, so let's see, where was I here? All right. Take a knee with Jamal welch. Talked about that road hard available. If you're going to go get yourself winning racing life, Paul Newman. Grab road hard. And check that out. It's all up. You can pre order. Daddy, stop talking. Arlee Ermey over here. Gunny time with Arlie Ermey. I gotta tell you, I'm excited because when mail call went off, I. There was a void, man. There was an opening.

[Brian Bishop]

It was. It was a fun show to do. I had a great time doing mail call. It was just the simple fact that everybody got to the point where two many. There were too many cooks in the kitchen.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

And I was not calling the shots anymore. And. And so then it becomes to the point where it's a job rather than having fun too many I'm the guy that says, you know, my job description is the guy who goes around and plays with all the other guys toys.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And it's a fun doggone job. You know.

[Adam Carolla]

Too many mama sons, not enough horse timed no old adage for a reason. Wednesdays 8:00 on the Outdoor Channel. Until next time. Z. Kroll, Gina Grad, Arlie Er and B. Brian saying mahalo.

[Brian Bishop]

You look like the kind of guy that would a person in the ass and not even have the combat goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach around.

[Giovanni]

All right, It's Adam Colishow, 1581 with the late great R. Lee Ermey, Gia Grad and Brian Bishop from back in 2015.

[Adam Carolla]

That does it for today's cool classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for our Saturday edition. Until then, mahalo. And get it off. Pluto TV is the place for movie.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Fans like me and TV fans like me.

[Adam Carolla]

They've got something for everyone and it's totally free.

[R. Lee Ermey]

You can binge laugh out loud sitcoms.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Frasier and re watch cult classics like Higher Learning.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Whether you're in the mood to solve a little crime before bedtime with NCIS.

[Adam Carolla]

Or Tracker, or curl up with a surefire hit like Forrest Gump, Pluto TV.

[R. Lee Ermey]

Has thousands of movies and shows, all for free.

[Adam Carolla]

Pluto TV stream now pay never.