Richard Martin + Deaf Frat Guy (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Adam Carolla Show - Episode: Richard Martin + Deaf Frat Guy (Carolla Classics)
Release Date: November 22, 2024
Host: Adam Carolla
Guests:

• Def Frat Guy portrayed by Paul Gilmartin
• Richard Martin portrayed by Paul Gilmartin
• Additional Characters: Various comedic personas and recurring guests

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Introduction

In this episode of the "Adam Carolla Show," titled "Richard Martin + Deaf Frat Guy (Carolla Classics)," host Adam Carolla engages in a candid and unfiltered conversation with his guests, Def Frat Guy and Richard Martin. Known for their outspoken and often controversial viewpoints, the guests delve into a range of topics, blending humor with sharp critique of societal norms and policies.

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1. Agnosticism vs. Atheism

Timestamp: 03:37 - 08:02

Discussion Overview:
Def Frat Guy initiates a debate on the distinctions between agnosticism and atheism. He challenges the conventional definitions, expressing strong skepticism towards the existence of a higher power and critiquing organized religion.

Notable Quotes:

• Def Frat Guy: "I think agnostic. At least the definition is. There's something out there. It's not a traditional God and I'm just not aware of it."
• Def Frat Guy: "I do not believe there's something out there. And I just think there's nature. Nature just moves. Nature evolves."

Insights:
The conversation highlights a deep-seated distrust in religious institutions and a preference for naturalistic explanations of existence. Def Frat Guy emphasizes a belief in nature's autonomous evolution, rejecting the notion of a creator.

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2. Resource Distribution and Societal Policies

Timestamp: 08:02 - 15:01

Discussion Overview:
The guests shift focus to the distribution of resources, particularly criticizing international aid programs. Def Frat Guy argues that aid often exacerbates problems rather than solving them, using examples like grain distribution leading to societal issues.

Notable Quotes:

• Def Frat Guy: "If your society can't get their shit together to the point where they're going to die, maybe that's a good thing."
• Def Frat Guy: "We dropped off sacks of grain so they can continue... problematic behaviors. That's playing God, that's messing with people."

Insights:
Def Frat Guy adopts a controversial Darwinistic perspective, suggesting that aiding societies unable to resolve their own issues might not be beneficial. He contends that such interventions can unintentionally support negative behaviors and societal instability.

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3. Smoking and Public Perception

Timestamp: 19:59 - 26:28

Discussion Overview:
Def Frat Guy critically examines the demonization of smokers, arguing that society unfairly labels them as evil while ignoring other pressing issues like teenage pregnancies and infrastructure problems.

Notable Quotes:

• Def Frat Guy: "If you want to smoke, go ahead. That's your business."
• Def Frat Guy: "Smokers are unfairly portrayed as the number one problem in society."

Insights:
The conversation challenges prevailing anti-smoking campaigns, asserting that the focus on smokers diverts attention from other significant societal challenges. Def Frat Guy nostalgically references older generations of smokers, suggesting a cultural shift in attitudes toward smoking.

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4. Hybrid Cars and Consumer Behavior

Timestamp: 15:08 - 19:59

Discussion Overview:
The guests discuss the practicality and value of hybrid cars, questioning whether the premium prices are justified by the mileage improvements. Def Frat Guy reminisces about older, more fuel-efficient vehicles and critiques modern consumer priorities.

Notable Quotes:

• Def Frat Guy: "Where is the big quantum leap forward with the hybrids? I don't think we're there."
• Def Frat Guy: "Don't do it for the mileage, do it for other reasons like status or personal preference."

Insights:
Def Frat Guy expresses skepticism about the advancements in hybrid technology, comparing them unfavorably to classic, fuel-efficient models. He suggests that consumers are more motivated by status symbols than actual environmental benefits.

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5. Personal Experiences and Lifestyle Choices

Timestamp: 26:28 - 33:47

Discussion Overview:
Def Frat Guy offers personal anecdotes related to job dissatisfaction and financial independence. He advises against quitting well-paying jobs out of frustration, emphasizing the importance of using discomfort as motivation for personal growth.

Notable Quotes:

• Def Frat Guy: "Having a miserable job can fuel your drive to pursue better opportunities."
• Def Frat Guy: "Don’t quit your job just because you hate it; let it push you to improve your situation."

Insights:
The guests delve into the balance between job satisfaction and financial stability. Def Frat Guy underscores the value of enduring challenging work environments as a catalyst for future success.

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6. Characters and Comedic Interactions

Timestamp: 33:47 - 51:23

Discussion Overview:
The episode features vibrant interactions between Def Frat Guy and various comedic characters, including playful banter about personal hygiene, social norms, and fictional scenarios. The humor often borders on the irreverent, maintaining the show's signature uncensored style.

Notable Quotes:

• Def Frat Guy: "You can wear the same pair of underpants three, four days in a row if you dump enough talc down there."
• Def Frat Guy: "Your wife felt very safe sending you off to Europe."

Insights:
The comedic segments serve to lighten the intense discussions, showcasing the dynamic and often provocative humor that the "Adam Carolla Show" is known for. The characters use exaggerated scenarios to critique and satirize everyday issues.

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7. Advertising and Social Commentary

Timestamp: Various
Discussion Overview:
Throughout the episode, Def Frat Guy and Richard Martin offer critiques on advertising practices, societal expectations, and personal freedoms. They touch upon subjects like energy assistance programs, public policies, and cultural shifts.

Notable Quotes:

• Def Frat Guy: "The government should be buying people packs of cigarettes, not begging them not to smoke."
• Richard Martin: "It's time to develop a national cologne to unite behind a common scent."

Insights:
The guests utilize satire and hyperbole to comment on government interventions and societal norms. Their unconventional viewpoints challenge listeners to reconsider accepted practices and policies.

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Conclusion

In this episode of "Adam Carolla Show," Def Frat Guy and Richard Martin engage in a series of provocative discussions, blending humor with sharp social and political commentary. From debates on religious beliefs and societal aid to critiques of consumer behavior and personal lifestyle choices, the guests offer a no-holds-barred perspective that encourages listeners to think critically about various aspects of modern life. The episode exemplifies the show's commitment to unfiltered and uncensored conversations, appealing to an audience that appreciates bold and unconventional viewpoints.

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Notable Moments:

• Def Frat Guy's tirade on smoking and societal focus ([19:59] - [26:28])
• Humorous exchanges about personal hygiene practices ([33:47] - [51:23])
• Satirical proposals for national policies and products throughout the episode

Listener Takeaways:

• An invitation to question societal priorities and governmental policies
• A humorous yet critical look at personal and professional challenges
• Encouragement to embrace discomfort as a driver for personal growth

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Disclaimer: This summary aims to capture the essence of the episode's discussions while respecting community guidelines by refraining from replicating offensive language and maintaining an objective tone.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Cascade Natural Gas believes a warm home.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Hot water and natural gas energy should.

[Adam Carolla]

Be available to everyone. That's why Cascade established the Oregon Low Income Bill Assistance and Energy Discount Programs. These programs provide income qualified applicants a discount on their monthly bill and if.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Needed, help with past due balances. Qualifying for assistance is easy by calling.

[Adam Carolla]

Cascade or any of our partner community action agencies.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Get complete bill assistance [e-mail] help.

[Giovanni]

Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fan selected clips from all 15 years of the Adam Corolla Show. There's an ad free companion podcast feed titled Corolla Classics, exclusively available through Adam Corolla Substack. Make sure to subscribe and get access to Beat it out, the new show with Jay Moore, plus early releases and lots of other commercial free content. It's a great value and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us. Classics Today's episode is inspired by Adam Carolla's work on air with different people in character. Adam has a long history with people attempting to do a character a bit on air with them and not going well. Ironically or fittingly. Maybe from the guy who got his foot in the door with Mr. Burcham as soon as he was on level line and a host. Anytime somebody came in with a character or a bit, it really didn't work out. Ask the Aquavats when they came in trying to do their bits about being from Aquavania or whatever. Adam didn't go for it really. The only time it was ever pulled off was probably Triumph the Insult Comic Dog when He casted in 2002 with Robert Smigel. But Smigel had to break character a lot to address a lot of Adam's digs and attempt to put a stick in his spokes. Robert Smigel, of course professional, was able to muster through and power through and do it. Nobody else really pulled it off on Loveline. And the morning show is interesting I guess partially due to the involvement of producers, partially due to the attempt to make it more like Howard Stern show or a morning zoo format. They had characters including the death frat guy. My favorite was Yurgi, the porn producer played by Tom Stern, the man responsible for all those great TBS apes interstitials from the 90s. Overall, super talented dude involved with a lot of comedic things you're probably a fan of. Death Rat Guy was also hilarious. My number two with a bullet, if not tied for number one with that. There began to be other characters who come in, such as Republican representative Richard Martin, of course, performed by Paul Gilmartin. It's his character. He takes all kinds of places on many radio shows. It's something he's been doing for many years. It didn't always go perfectly when it transitioned to the podcast. Adam would definitely give people lots of rope and lots of room. As opposed to like the Loveline days. The best examples being Richard Martin or Def Frat Guy or. Or the Jack in the Box episodes we'll be featuring today. Some other episodes not so much like the shaman. Jason Nash also being featured today. So come up first, we have Adam Karol show 28 deaf frat guy. DFG's first appearance. Hell yeah. Delta Fu on the podcast. Def Frat Guy, of course, portrayed by Josh Gardiner, one of the funniest people Adam's ever met or discussed. He talks about how Josh might be the funniest person he's ever known, but he lacks the ability to get his horsepower to the back tires career wise. Gerhard Reinke's wanderlust. He attempted a deaf rat guy movie with the Cobra Kai team. The Herman Kumar team. Almost happened. He's been part of many writers rooms. Really talented dude. Has his two acoustic albums. Hilarious comedy, songwriting. Very nice, man.

[Todd Kaufman]

Hell yeah. Todd Kaufman wants to know.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, and not gay. Sorry, go ahead.

[Todd Kaufman]

Todd Kaufman wants to know. Aren't you more agnostic than atheists? Check out the definitions. I mean, there has got to be a start to it all. Just not some guy in a cloud with a wand or something, but something. There was a start. We just don't know what it was. I think you are agnostic, not atheist. Hey, love the podcast, bro. I put that in to make it more conversational. You put the bro in to make it more real.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I think agnostic. At least the definition is. There's something out there. It's not a traditional God and I'm just not aware of it. I don't feel that way at all. I do not believe there's something out there. And I just can't, you know, we just can't define it. I don't think there's anything out there. I just think there's nature. Nature just moves. Nature evolves. Nature? Are you out of your mind?

[Todd Kaufman]

Who created this shit?

[Paul Gilmartin]

It is so complex and so vast. I don't know what it is, but it did not. It didn't happen by itself. And it's just not nothing. As a human being, we have to assign a he to everything. But do you agree that it's pretty complex. I mean, it is huge. Look. Does that happen by itself? Well, look, the notion that somebody whipped it up is much more far fetched than anything else to me. I agree with that. When we look at anything, here's how our minds are programmed. When you see something, you go, who made that? Who made that? You take a look at the pyramids. Who built the pyramids? Everything has made in China now on it, an alien. The point is, whenever you see something, there's two modes we're in as human beings. One is, who did that? Who built that? Who put that there? And then the next mode is, we don't know nothing. We can't handle nothingness. We know humans, humans built things. If you see a car, you know somebody built that. If you see a pyramid, you know somebody built that. And then we also know existence. The part we can't handle is something from nothing and non existence. So I feel like we have carefully crafted ourselves. A, this guy put that mountain there. And B, when you die, you'll get to hang out with that guy who put the mountain there. I don't believe that, though. I think we live one time, but I think something not individual or person, something. Well, look, then maybe you're calling this religious. I don't believe man made religion. Maybe you're calling this force. If you want to call it nature, I'll call it nature. Because, you know, you take a piece of bread, you leave it out for a day, you see a bunch of mold grow on it, then the next thing you know, there's maggots on it. Then the next thing you know, the maggots turn into flies. I mean, it is pretty nuts. Like when you see a caterpillar turn into a butterfly, it's pretty fucking nuts. It is. It is caterpillar. It turns to a butterfly, right? Correct.

[Todd Kaufman]

Then they have those bug. Those parasitic wasps and shit that lay their eggs in the caterpillar.

[Paul Gilmartin]

It totally, yeah. Nature is a total freak show. Crazier than anything any science fiction writer could come up with. Does this happen all by itself? It starts off with just some protozoa or some protein or some DNA or something that just. That grows that it's nature and we're constantly evolving and constantly changing. It's just. It started off with something with one cell. I don't know. I'm just not signing off on the part where there's a guy behind it. And then if you're gonna say, well, forget about the guy behind it. There's just some energy force behind it. Well, okay, fine, I'll sign off on something being there, but you're not gonna meet that person. And you ain't going anywhere but in the ground after you die. And you're not going to be. Well, you will be reunited with your family as long as you family's in the ground. But you'll be reunited with everyone's family who's in the ground.

[Todd Kaufman]

Puzzi's uncle, he said that the purpose in life is to procreate, right? And then after he had a vasectomy, he thought that his purpose was done and he had a nervous breakdown.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, really?

[Todd Kaufman]

What do you think about that?

[Paul Gilmartin]

I think the procreation part is causing a little more trouble than it's. I mean, at the beginning. At the beginning, we needed some procreation, and now we're like some sort of gazelle herd that needs to be thinned out a little bit. And if you want to take it a step further, what goes on in certain regions of this world where there's lots of famine and lots of rape and lots of AIDS and lots of genocide and ethnic cleansing. Us dropping off sacks of grain so they can continue fucking and shitting out kids, who then continue the genocide parade or the ethnic cleansing parade or the rape parade. To me, not a great plan you want to talk about. Here's my horrible Darwinistic approach to this stuff. If your society can't get their shit together to the point where they're going to die, maybe that's a good thing. And us dropping off sacks of wheat and giving you vaccinations so that you can have the strength to rape someone later on in the afternoon, that's playing God, that's fucking with people. Yes. So maybe the whole experiment over there in Africa, I know the jury's still out, but maybe 50 years of them fucking and raping each other and nothing working out. Maybe experiment has not worked out quite so good. As a matter of fact, everyone just do me a fucking favor and go listen to that Feed the World song and listen to the very end when Bob Geldof is like, it's December 24, 1984, it's 2:00am in the morning and there's still thousands of hungry people. That's 25 fucking years ago. Has anything gotten better? No. Why? We dropped off more stacks of grain so they could fucking rape some more?

[Todd Kaufman]

Well, no, actually they have. They figured out the way to cure AIDS by fucking a virgin.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I know. And can't somebody just fucking speak out and call in it what it is? These are Primitive people that are there, there's genocide going on over there. It's nothing but rape. It's AIDS everywhere. Somebody stop dropping off sacks. Either, either we should just napalm the whole fucking place and start from scratch or start dropping off some fucking condoms. And by the way, when the, you know, when the Pope is still taking a stance against condoms and these people have not knocked, not knocked off the rape stuff, he's doing them a disservice. So no more sacks of grain. Drop off sacks of condoms.

[Todd Kaufman]

They do say though that when you rape someone with a condom it makes you less of a man.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh really? Yeah, no, it's an awesome culture. It's an awesome culture. Everything's beautiful and you can't judge and all cultures are the same. It's just some cultures like to rape each other a lot and need sacks of grain dropped off, that's all.

[Todd Kaufman]

This is not a question, it is a personal comment of mine. I think that the octomom on the one hand, maybe she needs love and she's trying to get it with her 16 kids. My personal theory is that what she needs is a hard cock in the ass.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Really?

[Todd Kaufman]

Hell yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, if she'd gone that direction, maybe she wouldn't have all these kids.

[Todd Kaufman]

Couch stealer said, ace, could you beat up a chimpanzee?

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, I think I was talking to, I don't know, Joel McHale or something about it. And chimps, they know Marcus of Queensberry with chimps. Chimps go for the face. First thing they do is they go, first thing they do is they go for your face because they think you're going to try to bite them. And then the second thing they do is go for your genitalia because they think you're going to try to like nail their partner. So imagine you just, it's essentially a hair covered garbage disposal that's going at your face and then going at your junk. That ain't exactly a guy with a wax mustache and a sash in tights doing the put up your dukes or ten paces. And by the way, why do chimps have to be 10 times as strong as human beings? They don't look any stronger than human beings. They're shorter, they're shorter. I know their arms are long and stuff but they have the same, their arms look the same. It's like, you know, you know like when you, when you, when you turn on the MTV and you see Real World and you see one of those like 19 year old farm boy, got farm boy guys with the huge arms why is it skinny chimp arm 10 times stronger than his big arm? Chimps don't even work out. They have that. You know, when you go on a different planet, there's a different gravitational pull. A different gravitational pull than humans do. There's something that goes on, but the point is chimps. No, Marcus, a queensberry there. Just going for the face and going for the nuts. Jesus Christ.

[Todd Kaufman]

It's like kicking. When did kicking in the fight become normal? I mean, I think that's bullshit, bro.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, no, I agree.

[Todd Kaufman]

Ace, man, nice to hear your podcast.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But I'd like to see a kangaroo take on a chimp. I grew up watching kangaroos box more than humans box. Sounds like Ray and Sal. Ye.

[Todd Kaufman]

You don't want the chimp. They go right after the pouch. So Trevor wants to know, so I was wondering, now that you do your podcast in your own private home, how about the bong rip than a podcast?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Mmm. A stone podcast. All right, well, I did a sort of a drunk podcast with Seth MacFarlane. I mean, I poured him a pretty big tumbler of Jack Daniels and I poured myself a pretty big tumbler of Jack Daniels. And I realized by the end of the show I'd finished mine off before he did. And that's his drink. So I had a nice buzz going for that show. But a bong load show? Yeah. Okay. That's a good idea. Weezer.

[Adam Carolla]

Cascade Natural Gas believes a warm home, hot water and natural gas energy should be available to everyone. That's why Cascade established the Oregon Low Income Bill Assistance and Energy Discount programs. These programs provide income, qualified applicants a discount on their monthly bill, and if.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Needed, help with past due balances. Qualifying for assistance is easy by calling.

[Adam Carolla]

Cascade or any of our partner community action agencies. Get complete bill assistance [e-mail] help actually.

[Paul Gilmartin]

We'S too stoned to remember that. Write that down. Yeah. Got the vote.

[Todd Kaufman]

Ben is asking Ace, are hybrid cars worth it yet? Looking at the Ford Escape, would you pay the premium for the hybrid version of the vehicle?

[Paul Gilmartin]

I don't. I mean, I know everyone's into this shit, but I think they just. They're into the Badge more than they're into the actual mileage. Stop me if I'm wrong.

[Todd Kaufman]

Why they into the vag, bro? Why you have to take air?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Badge.

[Todd Kaufman]

Hell yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Badge. Point is this, Donnie. Yes. When we were. When we were like 19 or 20, Donnie had himself a VW bus. And maybe this is after he left the apartment. Were you in. Did you have the VW bus before we moved into the apartment or after? Either way. I can't remember. Donnie restored. I remember jumping the curb at Walter Reed. Donnie restored. Like a 1971. 73. Yeah, you know, you're right. It was a 71. Jesus. Sorry. Donnie's dad brought home a 71 VW bus from his transmission shop that, like, somebody just left off there or something. And Donnie went about painstakingly restoring it. Took all the windows out, did the upholstery, did the new paint job. I think it was orange. You painted it blue. Is that true? It was that tan. Remember Gillingham had the same. Yeah, it was tan. And we went out. We used to go out and rally that thing on dirt Mulholland, and we would go. Actually, when you saw the Republican national convention and McCain was making a speech about Walter Reed, and they showed a picture of our junior high, Walter Reed High School, instead of Walter Reed Medical Center, Donnie and I actually did donuts on that lawn. And Donnie drove that thing off the curb. I mean, Donnie and I used to go out rallying that thing all the time. But at a certain point, when Donnie got the whole thing restored, we would pack, what, eight people into that thing, and we'd put six, eight guys, big guys into that van. And we'd go to the beach or we'd go out of town. We'd go to Palm Springs or whatever in it. Now, that van was from 1971. That van held what, seven, eight people? No problem. Easy, easy. And that van got 25 miles to the gallon. Yes. Now, you fast forward 25 years, plus almost 30 years, and you get the Ford Escape hybrid. Well, this one holds six people, and it gets 23 miles to the gallon or 24, or whatever the fuck it is. It ain't over 30. Is that a quantum leap forward in the mileage department? Now, I know you guys who know something about cars will tell me. Well, the Ford weighs a little more because it's got some crumple zones and some air airbags, and I dig it. It weighs a little more, and it's probably got a little more pop, a little more power. But that VW bus, now, Donny had to really, you know, work the shift on that and keep the R's up. But we would go up Laurel Canyon and go through Canaan and go through Mulholland, and we'd put six, eight people in that thing and go up fire roads and shit all day long. That thing worked just fine. Yeah, if everybody pitched in, like, a dollar, I'd have gas for the week. Right. So the point is where is the big quantum leap forward with the hybrids? I mean, are we there? I don't think so. And then the money and you know, get getting back to another car, the Honda CRX back in the late 80s, like 87, 88, they had, that was a cool little Honda, the little one that had the window that was built into the hatch, the vertical part of the hatch. That thing got like 50 miles to the gallon. And it was fun to drive and kicked ass. That car's 20 years old now. Now you go ahead to the Prius. It's boring, it looks like shit. And it gets the same mileage. Now I know it's a four door and I know, you know, you get X amount of percentage better mileage, but I don't know, to me, for the money, look, it's worth it if you want, you know, here's what it is, here's, here's what it is. When we were growing up, I'm not growing up, but when we were looking at cars when we were younger people in our, you know, early 20s, you could get a Nissan Maxima for $16,000 or $12,000 or whatever it was, or you could spend $20,000 and get the BMW 3 Series. The Nissan Maxima had more horsepower, was probably a little faster, may have handled a little better, but the BMW would get you laid. You'd say, I got a BMW. Now really what we're dealing with, the hybrids, is just that I drive a hybrid. That will get you laid or get you some currency in whatever circles you're running with. So don't do it for the mileage, do it for the poontang. Thank you.

[Todd Kaufman]

Andrew wants to know what are thoughts on people who smoke cigarette.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I don't know when they turned into public enemy number one. I don't know when this society lost their way and started focusing on cigarette smokers and turning them evil and left everyone else. I mean, let's put it this way. We brought up gang bangers and we brought up graffiti and tagging and what a sort of scourge that is on our society, at least aesthetically. In the last 10 years, have you heard more about cigarettes or tagging? I'll answer the question for you. You've heard almost nothing about tagging. You've heard nothing but PSAs about secondhand smoke being a first rate killer, seen billboards for secondhand smoke, seen all these commercials, launched it, getting people to quit cigarettes. And you rarely hear anything about tagging. You rarely hear anything about kids being born out of wedlock. You Rarely hear anything about teenage moms. You rarely hear about, how about just putting fucking air in your car tire so we can get another 10% better mileage and not have these tires blow out and have these SUV's turnover. We have somehow fucking decided that smokers are evil. And this is the number one problem we have as a society. First off, here's my feeling. If you want to smoke, go fucking sick. That's your goddamn business. If you want to blow it in the face of your kid, well, then that's another issue. But if you want to go fucking blow butt, go fucking blow a butt, number one. Number two, many of the greats, historically, many of the guys, Almost every fucking guy that won World War II for us was a smoker. Whether it was the guys storming the beach at Normandy or the guys in the bunker making the decisions, everyone was a smoker. And they seem to be better people than this generation is. So maybe there's something about that nicotine that makes people better now. And finally, finally. And this fucking bullshit we were getting 10 years ago about how 53,000 people die of secondhand smoke every year. Fucking nonsense. It doesn't exist. Secondhand smoke, everyone. I've done it before. I'll say it again. Close your eyes. Picture someone you've known, someone you've loved, A celebrity, a sports figure, someone in your church, someone in your family who's died of secondhand smoke. Can anyone think of an individual that's died of secondhand smoke? Then how fucking big a deal is it? So shut the fuck up and focus on shit that people want to focus on. Stop turning fucking smokers into evil people. And lastly, I swear to God, this bullshit about how smokers cost us billions of dollars in healthcare every year, I don't understand it. My grandfather was a smoker. My grandfather had a massive heart attack when he was about 68. And the doctor told him, if you didn't quit smoking, you might not live to 70. Well, he took his doctor's advice, he quit smoking. And the guy made it to like 95. And the last 10 years of his life, he went back and forth to Kaiser literally once a week and ran up a tab that must have been into the millions. The way this system was made is you retire at 68 or 72 years of age and then you die two years later. Not we keep you alive for the next 25 years at the cost of millions and millions of dollars. I mean, my grandmother, I just saw her yesterday, she's 95 years old. She has gone through all of her savings. She's put a second mortgage on her house. She's gone through all that money. And as far as whatever the taxpayers. She worked for the Veterans administration, probably making 27 grand a year for the last 35 years of her life. And now whatever they had put aside for her was gone when she was 80. She's 95 now. She's using up all the money. If she had fucking smoked, she'd just be in the ground at 64. The government should be buying people packs of cigarettes, not fucking begging them not to smoke. I don't know how that math works. I really don't. And I think they're bullshitters. And I think all the things. Here's what the left does. The left says it's okay to lie to people because it's a worthy cause. So instead of four people dying of secondhand smoke each year, we'll make it 53,000 people dying of secondhand smoke. And instead of just the fags getting the aids, we'll make it. Everyone gets the aids. We'll do everything. We'll just lie. We'll just lie to everyone. Oh, yeah, it's a heterosexual disease. Sure, it's good to lie. It's good to lie because they can't handle the truth and we're right and we know better than they know. This is fucking ridiculous. Everyone should smoke, and then everyone should just die at age 60. And then we'd save ourselves millions of dollars because people are living into their 90s now and they stop working in their 70s, and we can't pay for that 20 years.

[Todd Kaufman]

I just want to add a personal note. It's also the same with dipping. Like, I go to the Sizzler, and after my main course, before dessert, I like to have a skull, a big dip, and for the waitress to fucking give me the stink eye.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Just because you're spitting back into the.

[Todd Kaufman]

Tumbler, into a milkshake lens. But it's like. It's like, dude, this is a free country, you fucking bitch.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. Yeah, it is. I mean, seriously, when they talk about how many millions or billions of dollars cigarette smoking cost the healthcare industry, what are they talking about? First off, lung cancer is one of the fastest acting, puts you in the ground cancers they have. I know there's diseases that go along with it. I don't hope that my kids smoke. I'm just saying, when did smokers become evil? And I don't buy the fucking math they're doing on this, because I know for sure that once you make it past 75. You start breaking down a lot. You go back and forth to the hospital a lot, and we keep you alive versus just the fucking. Draw off the Winston, clutch the heart and hit the ground. Sorry. Thank you.

[Todd Kaufman]

Oh, that's rich.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Thank you.

[Todd Kaufman]

This one is from Mashman 5. What is your sitcom going to be about?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, really? That's a boring one.

[Todd Kaufman]

Are you investing in real estate?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Right now it's all in the family. Essentially, I'm just Archie Bunker and now real estate. I wish I had some money. I don't have any money right now. Otherwise I would be snapping up every house in the Valley.

[Todd Kaufman]

Adam, love the show. This is from Jason. However, I noticed you have worn the same pants for the last four days. What's up with that, bro?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, I get. I have this problem is when I take a pair of pants out of the closet, I don't go back in the closet for a long time. Also, I give a. I give my balls a generous dusting of talcum powder before I leave the house. And I'll tell you, laugh all you want, but you can wear the same pair of underpants three, four days in a row if you dump enough talc down there before you leave the house. Because it's really, you know, people focus on the asshole, but it's really the balls that fuck up the underpants because it depends who you are. Well, okay, but your ass doesn't leak. You know what I mean? I mean, you give your ass a good wiping. After you take a shit. Give it that last one where it wipes and there's nothing on the tissue paper. Your ass is fine. The balls. The balls are sort of like. It's sort of like an underarm, but a funky underarm. And that after a week of powder in the same drawers. When we went to Europe, I mean, isn't there some kind of, like, buildup or funk or. Donnie. Donnie and I went to Europe for two weeks, and I wore the exact same underpants for, like, nine days. Every time you dump some ball powder down there, you reset the clock on your underpants back to zero. That's the way I look at it. Your wife felt very safe sending you off to Europe. Yeah. Certainly not getting late. I just don't physically care what I look like from a clothing standpoint unless I care. And what I'm saying is, when we're doing, you know, you're walking down the red carpet and you want to look good, then you want to look good, but at all times, the guy that actually just reeks and doesn't care. I don't. I'm not funky Donnie, right? Not at all. I don't have the funk and I push the limits of hygiene because of my God given non funk policy. But you did have a funk in that garage though, growing up. I'm wearing underpants right now that I actually just turned inside out and then put more, put more talcum. Put more talcum. He just snapped the band and it's.

[Todd Kaufman]

Like vocal powder coming out. He snapped that and it's like a big cloud of talcum powder came out.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I don't want to set off the fire sprinklers, but are we cool, Mav?

[Todd Kaufman]

Hell yeah. Do you want to do one more?

[Paul Gilmartin]

All right, one more.

[Todd Kaufman]

Kyle wants to know. I can use some advice. I'm 19 and I'm a store manager for a major auto part company and I make about $40,000 a year with such great money for some of my. But I hate working there. The hours, the people, all my employees, whiny ass complaints. Now I love the money, but is it really worth beating my head against the wall? If you had a great paying gig but hated come in every day, would you quit? P.S. the hammer rocked.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Ah, thank you. Here's the deal. I have had gigs that paid okay that I've hated. I've hated almost every job I've ever had up until I got into radio. I hated almost every day of construction. I certainly hated every day of carpet cleaning and every day of working at McDonald's and so on and so forth. Quitting anything is a luxury. If you have that luxury, if you have parents that have money or if you have whatever, then you can do it. I don't recommend it and I'll tell you why. Because you need some discomfort in your life to motivate you, which is I have this shitty job. I hate this shitty job. Every Monday when the alarm clock goes off at 7:15, I get a pit in my stomach. That pit in your stomach is a fire in your belly that should propel you to move on, to get the education to do the work that's necessary. Whether it's night school, whether it's volunteering or paing or whatever, for whatever you're interested in. You need that fire in your belly. I was just talking to my nanny, Olga, and I love Olga, she's from Guatemala. And we were basically just having a discussion the other night about how people aren't hungry. And I was telling her, you know, my mom was on welfare and my mom was on food stamps and she wasn't hungry. We act like we're doing people a favor by handing them this stipend to keep them alive. It freezes you. It's debilitating, by the way. It takes away your pride. And when your pride gets taken away, you get depressed. And when you get depressed, you lose energy. And when you lose energy, you can't go out and hustle. But she told me she had a kid, she was a single mom, and all her friends from God knows what part of the world were saying to her, look, man, the government will pay for your kid. The government will pay for the birthing of your kid. The government will pay for your kid. The government will pay you. You should go down and sign up for welfare. You should go down and sign up for child support. Blah, blah, blah. She said her friends convinced her, she went down, she signed, she did the paperwork, and then she tore it up. She couldn't go through with it. She didn't feel it was right. She didn't think it was right to get paid, not to work. And I guarantee her friends that were on the dole then are still sucking off the teat of Uncle Sam now. It takes away your pride. It takes away your momentum. You can't do it. We think we're being charitable, we're being cruel. Giving people money is cutting them off at the knees. All the rich white people are like, oh, please, we're giving these people a hand. You're not, you condescending cocks. You're lowering their self esteem and you're fucking them up. So stop it. You're keeping them where they are. It's so fucking pathetic. Don't these people know anything about human nature? Jesus Christ. So here's the deal. Yes. Have your miserable job be miserable and let that be the wind underneath your wings to fly out of that shitty auto parts store one day. Let that be the part that makes you and motivates you and focuses you to get out. Because without that misery, there's no change. If I said just stay home, I'll give you 600 bucks a week, you probably wouldn't actively pursue what you want to move on to, so actively pursue what you want to move on to, but keep the fire in your belly in the form of a shitty job. Thank you, Defrac guy.

[Todd Kaufman]

That gives me motivation for my dream job, which I love. This job to do the questions. And I respect you for giving me the chance. My dream job. Official poontang inspector.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I've seen the hat.

[Todd Kaufman]

Hell, yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

All right, well, this is a good note to go out on.

[Giovanni]

All right, Those Adam Kurlow show 28 with the DEF Rat guy. Coming up next is an episode we featured a lot in Best of It's Adam Kurla show 47 with Jack in the Box. Now, at this point, Jack in the Box was portrayed by John Glenn in 2004-2014. Dave Tompkins the guy's been doing since 2014 the present and Bob Thompson perceives John Glenn. They got to some pretty dicey topics and things. For a mascot for a fast food company, a publicly traded international corporation, having Adam ask some pretty lurid questions. So we're gonna play a chunk of this episode since we played so much before. Just want people to get a vibe of what it was like to have Jack in the Box on the show back in 2009 on episode 47.

[Paul Gilmartin]

This is the sound of second chances. It's more than a bowl of pet food. It's nutrition that changes lives.

[Richard Martin]

It's the sound of healthy, happy pets.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Not just in your home, but in shelters across the country. Because feeding your pet hills helps feed shelter pets. Science did that. Hills Pet Nutrition. Buy the bag that gives back. Visit hillspet.com giveback or tap the banner to learn more. Mike, what else do you got?

[Giovanni]

Well, we have a little bit of.

[Kent Nichols]

What can't Adam complain about on the board?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, boy.

[Kent Nichols]

Brennan wants to know.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Hey, Adam, you can't complain about automatic.

[Kent Nichols]

Flushes on the urinal, can you?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yes, I can complain about automatic flushers on the urinal. First off, I like hitting the handle on a urinal. It's like pulling the arm on a slot machine. It feels good, you know what I mean?

[Ninja]

But on the other hand, it's just, it's more contact with who knows what that's on the handle. And you know, you know, it's a, it's a germ free thing when it's an automatic flush.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I don't. First off, do you not care about.

[Ninja]

Germs on your hand?

[Paul Gilmartin]

No. Germs are my friend. Really? Yes.

[Ninja]

How?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Because I am never sick. Because I look at germs in the eye and I scoff. I laugh at them. I'm not with all these half a fags in their Purell buckets running around worried about my peanut allergies. I say fuck it, I'm not allergic to anything. I. I don't get sick. And when I do get sick, I just continue. I just go on. I blow snot rockets and I just continue. I'm not scared of germs. I eat shit off the Floor.

[Ninja]

If you followed we in the food business.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I don't want to bring a little.

[Ninja]

Different view of germs.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I do, I do. But listen, Jack, again, take this in the spirit in which it's intended. If we took all the things that go into one of your tacos and followed their path. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What would you reckon? From the slaughterhouse to the fields of Iowa to whatever Mexican trucking company brings over the cheese. Believe me. What's on that handle? You have nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about. I like the idea of pulling that handle and flushing my own toilet. Plus.

[Ninja]

Well, that may be the case, but you can't get a job at a Jack in the Box.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Hold on. Yeah, hold on. You can't just come at me like that.

[Donnie]

Are you telling me.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I'm sure.

[Ninja]

Yeah, no, Jack, no. You're living high now. What were the Adam Carolla podcast? But someday, someday you're going to be applying and I'm going to be remembering this guy. This guy likes to touch the handle.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You can't just kick in my door and ruin my world that way. Do you understand? Are you telling me I can't be employed by Chad?

[Ninja]

I'm telling you you're going to have to modify your stance on germs to get a job.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I like the guy who works in the fast food industry. Not necessarily the fast food, but the guy who just works, like in the institution that serves the food, who's so married to his biker beard that he has to wear the huge beard bib net thing. And it's like buddy one or the other. You know what I mean? I mean, all you're doing is you're working at the cafeteria at the hospital, you know, and you're wearing the huge biker whatever beard. How about we just don't hire guys with massive ZZ Top beards? Yeah, all right, but let me say this. And yes, I can. Here's the deal. First off, I don't like the man flushing the toilet for me. And I don't like the fact that we're half and half the nation is half pull handles on the urinal flush and half non pull handles, which is the same boat we're in with the twist top on the beers. Half pop top, half twist top. Fucks you up. What we need is all pull handles or all automatic flushers because I walk into a bathroom and there's a big old golden pot of foaming piss waiting for me. And I realize the motherfucker who pissed at this last time was used to the Automatic flusher. This ain't an automatic flusher, but he's gone soft. He's used to taking a piss and walking away. Let God flush it, because that's how it works. No, no, this is. So either we convert to all or nothing. Yes.

[Ninja]

I can see this is troubling you.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yes.

[Ninja]

Have you ever thought about maybe just stepping aside to the next urinal to find, like, a happy, clean urinal?

[Paul Gilmartin]

No.

[Ninja]

You should try that.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I don't play that. And the other thing I don't like are the assholes that do the flushing where they do it with their foot and they put their foot up on the thing, and now I gotta touch your crap foot up there. And then here's where the trouble really comes. The trouble comes with the sink. Now, you go to the sink. You go to the sink at the airport, and you have to do that thing where you're waving your hand under it. Hey. When? Hey, Magic Water, please. I command you to start by waving my hand. Now, you look retarded because half the time you're doing it in the airport. Lax, they're all hand. But you get to Phoenix and they don't work that way. So you look like an idiot standing in the airport waving your hand, and some guy goes, hey, turn the handle, buddy. You're like, oh, all right. I didn't know. But you do the hand wave thing, and it doesn't work half the time. So you do the weird thing and then it turns on for, like, three seconds and then turns off again. Like, what do you think I'm doing, filling a fucking water bed at the goddamn airport? I just want to wash my fucking hands. You couldn't give me eight seconds of water?

[Ninja]

I mean, look, do you say this stuff out loud when you're in the restroom to other people?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Let me tell you how, like, you.

[Ninja]

Walk up to other guys and go, you know what pisses me off about this?

[Kent Nichols]

I will get.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I'm looking at the clock right now. I'll tell you what five seconds is. Now there's no way the water runs for five seconds at the airport. They give you two seconds and then you have to wave your hand again, but the thing hasn't rebooted. So you're, like, waving your hand like a fucking dolphin in front of this fucking. Could you give me some water? How about they just give you fucking 20 seconds? How about just 20 seconds? Maybe you walk away and it's still running, but they give you 10 or 15 seconds. They give you three fucking seconds with that airport shit.

[Ninja]

Based on what I'm hearing, you're still not getting a job at Jack in the Box.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I don't like washing my hands, but I do like handling fecal matter in Europe. Thank you.

[Ninja]

I give that like a 5 degree.

[Giovanni]

Of difficulty, but this next one to complain about is a 10 because, Adam, how could you ever possibly.

[Kent Nichols]

This is Noah asking about the theme music to the NFL film shows. The brass and bassoons and stuff.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No way. You love that, don't you?

[Ninja]

That's good stuff. It's like. It reminds me of like the old series, like Victory at Sea.

[Kent Nichols]

Yes.

[Ninja]

Very militaristic.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yes, yes, I like that. Men marching off the battle. All that stuff was farmed out, I think, to Germany. By the way, the composer, I believe the composer was out of Germany and he didn't know anything about football or even like football or to him, football was that stupid stuff where you kick the ball instead of run with it and have guys tackle.

[Ninja]

I used to own a football team. Yeah, the Carnivores.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh yeah, that's right.

[Ninja]

Played in league. We played against the vegans and the rice cakes.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I remember. Yeah, we tore them up.

[Ninja]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. Here's what I can complain about. There used to be a way to do things. There was no cheap way to do this. Now we have synthesizers and all sorts of tracks and we can just electronically make this. Back in the day, if you wanted it, if you wanted it to be big and powerful and fill up a room, then you and 80 world class musicians had to go into an acoustic space and lay it out. Now there's a cheaper way to do it. And guess what route we go? The cheaper way. And it's never right.

[Ninja]

And that is why I don't do that. When I score my commercials, I hire real players, real instruments. And you have never seen more grateful guys than three trombone players getting a gig.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Right.

[Ninja]

We don't do synths.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You don't do one guy with a Casio.

[Ninja]

No.

[Giovanni]

Right.

[Ninja]

We got like 16 guys doing our theme music.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So essentially there was one way to do it. It was the right way and it was the expensive way, but one way. And now nobody's ever going to spend that kind of money again. Except for Jack, of course. But there's no more electron bonus. I do too. You know what I like? I like that they don't have finger fingerings. They have positions, you know what I mean? And I also like that weird counterweight thing that's at the end of the thing.

[Ninja]

And spit valve.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I like the spit valve. Although trumpets and flugel horns have those wet as well. But I do like that it's the only drunken instrument. It's the only. An oboe doesn't sound drunk.

[Ninja]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

What about saxophones? Saxophone sounds cool. But a trombone sounds drunk, and I like that. Yeah. All right. So no qualms about. I cannot complain about the old NFL scoring, other than to say it's the end of an era.

[Kent Nichols]

10° ° of difficulty.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Wait, hang on a second. I got one from Zach. Zach wants to know how you can complain about receiving oral. Gotcha. I think, Jack. Let's find out.

[Ninja]

I'm so happy to be here today. Did I mention that I had a new website?

[Paul Gilmartin]

I can't. You know, I've said this once, Jack, I don't know if. You know, a lot of guys talk about how good they are in the sack. You know, how they can please a lady all night long and how prolific they are and how many women they've been with and how they never run out of energy. They're the Energizer Bunny and all that. I don't make any of those claims. I do make one simple claim. Nobody receives oral as well as I. Now, I don't give it that good because, you know, I'm a talker and I'm a mouth breather and I don't even got to try. You know, of all the things that.

[Ninja]

We cover on the website, this is not one of them.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I receive like no other. I can tell you this. I'll tell you this about oral, and it's sad, but it's true. I have this theory that every time you do something. I don't even have this theory. I just. I'm making it up right now because I don't think I've ever really talked about this before. To my knowledge, you enjoy things a percentage point or so less every time you do them. The first time you go to Disneyland, it's a magical experience. Nothing could be better. The 128th time you go, it's good. It's not as good as the first time you went.

[Ninja]

Unless the 128th time you get to get old line.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, sorry. Yeah. You get. Or cut in line.

[Ninja]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. So I'm saying using that algorithm with oral, the first time you got it was like, wow, my mind is officially blown. Pardon the pun. Somewhere around the 2000th time you got it, you did it like a really good expensive restaurant that you've eaten at a hundred times. You know, you go to. You go to. You go to a good steakhouse, made the Transition from super poor to literally a millionaire. Jack. I remember going out to a steakhouse, like, hey, this is Arnie Morton's. And it's like, wow, I'm getting the Porter house, and I'm getting the baked potato and the chopped salad. And I remember just going like, holy shit, this is awesome. This is awesome.

[Ninja]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And now Donnie and I will go down to Arnie Morton's on any given Saturday.

[Ninja]

And I enjoy it, but it's no big deal. So are you saying that you don't want to get hit anymore?

[Paul Gilmartin]

No. Do not spread that rumor around. I am saying I don't know what shape they have to draw your mouth on for that, but all I'm saying is this. I think the bloom is off the rose in the sense that it is not high school. Look, let's face it. If the next time I got oral sex, somehow it was like my penis was a freshman in high school, I'd be, like, going. First off, I'd be following my wife around. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. That was.

[Kent Nichols]

Oh, thank you.

[Paul Gilmartin]

That was awesome. Awesome. When can we do that again? It's been 10 minutes. Can we try that again? We could do that again. I don't think it would hurt the kids. They could watch. They're not that old. I don't remember stuff that my parents did before I was five. I mean, you know, now it's like, eh, thanks. That's good.

[Ninja]

I can. I can totally relate. The first time I saw the new logo, I was super excited. But now I've seen it, like, 10 times. Not as excited. Yeah, but it's still awesome.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And here's the problem, ladies. Here's where cheating comes in. Because you want to talk about a trip back to high school. When you experience the new mouth on the penis, all of a sudden, you're going back. A couple of trips to Disneyland, now you're resetting. You're not quite a first trip to Disneyland, but we certainly ain't on 5300 somewhere back. Somewhere back in the double digits again. That's all I'm saying. This is what happens. This is why guys cheat. And don't get me wrong, I love the oral, but if I had to complain about it, I would say that it. That's it. That's. That's my trip to Disneyland.

[Ninja]

I just like to say that I love my wife, Cricket. We've been together for a long time, and it's still super exciting.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But, Jack, you get. You go on the road a lot.

[Ninja]

I go on the road a Lot.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And you're very recognizable.

[Ninja]

I have the opportunity.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. And I mean, you know, if you were like that Burger King King nailing everything, that's not fucked. I mean, that guy, that guy fucks everything that's not nailed down. He's living the life.

[Ninja]

I'm not sure which way he goes.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, really?

[Ninja]

Come on.

[Paul Gilmartin]

The guy wears a cape and leggings. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. So, wow, that is weird because my friend Tim was in Montreal once and he's like that Burger King guy sent over a drink. I was like, he was probably just being cool, but.

[Ninja]

No, no, you're right.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah.

[Ninja]

He's in Canada and he thinks it's okay.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, it's cool. Yeah. People aren't gonna talk.

[Ninja]

Right?

[Paul Gilmartin]

You know, he's from a different era though. Like, you know, I've seen the tutors, they did a lot of swinging back then, you know.

[Ninja]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So back, you know, in his day of like merkins and cod pieces and stuff. It's true. The guy wears Peter Pan shoes made of felt and leggings and a fur line cape. Yeah.

[Ninja]

Going off on business trips with first cousins.

[Paul Gilmartin]

He's got that shit eating grin on his face all the time.

[Ninja]

Yeah, it's not good.

[Paul Gilmartin]

He's never been married. You know, guys like that sire, you know, kids. You'd think he'd have a couple of, you know, he'd have a couple of sons by now.

[Kent Nichols]

Princes.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, you'd have some princes to inherit.

[Ninja]

A grip on that scepter.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, he's grabbing that thing like he definitely knows what to do with it. Yeah, yeah.

[Ninja]

It's a little disturbing.

[Paul Gilmartin]

He's no stranger to the business end of a scepter, there's no doubt about that. That's a good point, Jay. Listen, Crickets, you know, she's awesome. I mean.

[Ninja]

Yeah, I get that a lot.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You know, a way this all the thing.

[Ninja]

Would you like to meet Cricket?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, I feel like I'd like to go back to Disneyland again. And if I could just, you know, be with Cricket, I just. No, not. I don't.

[Ninja]

You know, she's pretty happy. She's living a pretty good life, I gotta say.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I don't want to again. Maybe this is just a tap water talking, but while you're in the hospital. Cricket went through a pretty tough stretch there and, you know, she's.

[Ninja]

I wouldn't say she was happy to have me home.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I showed her to cry on was what she was looking for. And nothing happened. Nothing happened. But, you know, as a friend, I felt like, you know, did you ever see Casino?

[Ninja]

Look, she's no dummy. You know, you can offer her. You can offer her the occasional dinner at Arnie Morton's. Right, okay. But you're not getting her the 150 foot yacht in Capri.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, right, that's true. Yeah, yeah.

[Ninja]

She's not, she's not stupid.

[Paul Gilmartin]

All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The casino reference was. Well, you'd have to look that up. That was Joe Pesci two time, and his good friend Bobby De Niro. Do you have one more for us, Michael? I think we do. Stephen says.

[Giovanni]

Adam, I love the podcast, but I.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Really need you to discuss the history.

[Giovanni]

And evolution of the jockstrap, because is the jockstrap still necessary within the age of Under Armour?

[Paul Gilmartin]

I say no. The day the midway underpants was invented, we did away with the athletics supporter. I feel bad because there was tons of comedy slowly, just based on the jockstrap that was good for about 65 years and now it's basically gone. And I was shocked, Jack, to hear that every pro NFL player I've ever interviewed says he does not wear a cup. What? That's what I said.

[Ninja]

No, my 10 year old son plays little league baseball. Catcher. And he's wearing a cup.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Definitely.

[Ninja]

Yeah, the Under Armour thing.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The.

[Ninja]

The demise of the jock strap has also had an impact on. On sports announcers who can no longer say he was faked out of his jock.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, he's not fit to carry this guy's jock. Yeah, yeah, there's that. A lot of running around with snapping a guy's jock strap. Yeah, just calling the guys jocks. Yeah. There was also the guy who wore it like a surgical mask around the locker room. That was always good for a laugh.

[Ninja]

What team did you play on?

[Paul Gilmartin]

It'd be funny when he'd pull it down and go, sorry, there's nothing I could do. Yeah, just what are announcers like? Announcers gonna go, oh, he faked him out of his midway briefs brought to you by Armor all, or Armor Under Armor, whatever. That doesn't work. Or he's not Armor all and Under Armour.

[Ninja]

Doing a cross promotion would be interesting. Yeah, yeah, just wax it.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Wax on, baby. Yeah, yeah. All right, One more, please, One more.

[Kent Nichols]

Well, it's kind of a little more esoteric.

[Paul Gilmartin]

All right.

[Kent Nichols]

Yoserian wants to know.

[Giovanni]

Adam, I love your rants on politics and society.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I'd love to hear your idea of.

[Kent Nichols]

Utopia and how you would run the world if you had your choices.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Uh oh. All Right. I'm going to give myself just a minute and a half here so I don't spin out of control. I'm actually looking at the clock. I would like the government to be based solely on psychology and sociology. Look at human beings as animals and you try to get them to do what you want them to do. That's all we are with cattle prods or whatever you need to do. Put down the Bible, get off your high horse and your soapbox, stop blowing, stop blowing smoke up everyone's ass and just get it done. Which is to say, you know, in 1988, somebody said, hey, maybe we should give clean needles out to junkies so they don't give AIDS to, so the AIDS doesn't make its way into the heterosexual population. And someone said, what? We're not going to endorse drug use. We're not giving out clean needles. Good, they didn't give out the clean needles and AIDS made its way into the IV drug using community. Fine. That is not doing what I want you to do. What I want you to do is treat us like a fucking herd of penguin and you go, look, the penguins are getting into the town and they're getting run over. How do we stop them? We don't. We figure out the best way to do it and that's how we do it. I don't think we do that now as a society. I know we don't do that now as a society. I know there's ways to get people to do what you want them to do. And as a matter of fact, we're going the opposite fucking way. We're doing shit like, well, I mean, we're kind of going the European route. You're a hardworking man. You're getting taxed at probably 40% in your tax bracket. Your fucking idea of taking more of my money and giving it to people and lowering their self esteem steam and making them feel less energetic and less likely to work is a fucking horrible idea. That is how you get, that's why we have this problem in the first place. And how you, how you make it worse, how you exacerbate it, how you take the races and break them apart and call them, oh, they're disenfranchised and they don't have a chance. That's how you fuck them up more, you condescending cocksuckers. I know how to fix things. You fucking tell people to get off your fucking ass and get to work. I don't care what fucking color you are. I don't care how much money your parents have. I don't care what fucking God you pray to go out there and bust your ass. You know what? It's a fairly evil even playing field. It really is. In this day and age, it's fairly even. Whoever works the hardest is going to do the best. Do not take money away from the people that work the hardest and give it to the people that don't feel like working. That's going to fuck things up the most. Yeah.

[Ninja]

You and me, between us, are probably paying about 50% of all the income taxes collected in the country.

[Paul Gilmartin]

That's right.

[Ninja]

And if we add. I don't know if we add like Trump Carl Karcher's, he's passed on, but his estate still paying.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, he's still paying. He may have. He may have been put in the ground in 1984, but he's been paying through the fucking nose from the grave.

[Ninja]

Yeah, I know, I know. I'm paying taxes the equivalent of like 300 families.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yes.

[Ninja]

I'm not using 300 times the roads or 300 times the public schools.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You don't even use any of the public schools or the libraries. And I like it when the asshole wags his finger at you and goes, well, you make more, so you should be paying. I already am paying more.

[Ninja]

You should run for office.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, like it would work. It was not going to work because there's more of them than there are of you. And those fucking people are too weak and they just buy into the shit that the Democrats are spoon feeding them and go, yeah, that's right. How about we spread around the wealth? Listen, there's going to be no wealth to spread around. Get off your fucking ass and work. And by the way, you ain't going to be happy just by me giving you some of my money. That's not going to magically make you happy. You think that key to happiness is the car or the house? The key to happiness is the satisfaction and peace of mind of knowing you busted your ass to get that house. Not got your man in office so he could give you some of my money from me busting my ass. Thank you very much.

[Ninja]

I started with a bun and a.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Dream, and I think that's where we're gonna end. Jack, this has been enlightening for me as well.

[Ninja]

I had no idea that we would cover some of the topics we covered today, but I really enjoyed it. And be sure to take me up on that coupon for two free tacos.

[Paul Gilmartin]

The next time I get baked. I'm gonna Hammer this thing back at the North Hollywood one where it all started. So in that. Until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Jack of Jack in the Box, our good buddy booker Mike August, and my buddy Donnie, aka the wee saying. Mahalo.

[Giovanni]

All right, this episode 47 with Jack in the box, John Glenn from 2009. Coming up next, we have Adam Pearl show, episode 60 featuring Richard Martin and his wife, Jazz Martin, Paul Gilmartin and Maria Bamford from 2009.

[Richard Martin]

You know, I don't know if you've seen the video, Adam. The videos, the rap videos, but I find the pointing to be redundant.

[Paul Gilmartin]

The pointing.

[Richard Martin]

The pointing at the camera.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah.

[Richard Martin]

And I find the bass to be unnecessarily loud in relation to the Trebles.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. Oh, the Trebles should be heat it up and they should tone down. It just seems.

[Richard Martin]

It seems.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And the pointing at the camera just kind of breaks down the fourth wall. I don't like that either. It's repetitive.

[Richard Martin]

And the baseball cap skewed at a pagan angle. I don't.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Pagan angle.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah, I don't like that.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So we're straightforward. Yeah. You're feeling. You're feeling like the Japanese are doing okay.

[Richard Martin]

They're not attacking us, right? They're not attacking us, but.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, you have black friends, don't you?

[Richard Martin]

We like Michael Steele.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Michael Steele, the head of the gop. Oh.

[Richard Martin]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

He's black, all right.

[Richard Martin]

He's a great guy. Yeah, he is a fun guy.

[Paul Gilmartin]

One of the good ones. You know him?

[Richard Martin]

We don't.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, we don't hear anything about him.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah, yeah, we.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And.

[Richard Martin]

And we do know that we know folks around. You know, we know folks around. You want to make it sound like Jazz and I are these folks that live in a community where we don't mingle with any.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, this is a double gated community.

[Richard Martin]

Sure.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I have a fear of people. A genuine phobia.

[Richard Martin]

She does.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Of all people.

[Richard Martin]

Of all people.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I have to grip my fists at odd intervals and close my eyes. So. But. But you do you have black friends, right?

[Richard Martin]

We have acquaintances, sure.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. But you wouldn't call them friends or.

[Richard Martin]

I can't remember their names. But certainly people that we smile at, we see them at fundraisers.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. If we could. I mean. But you would have nothing against having black friends.

[Richard Martin]

I let them hug me.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, I. You would have nothing. No problem with a black friend. Let's just. Okay, and how about Hispanic?

[Richard Martin]

I'd let them hug me, but do.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You have any Hispanic friends whose names.

[Richard Martin]

We can call off the top of our head.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I have some Hispanic memories that keep coming. Memories?

[Richard Martin]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And so we're not sure if I was Hispanic or not.

[Richard Martin]

She might have been in a previous life. We're not sure.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, really?

[Kent Nichols]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You're into that.

[Richard Martin]

She's never even studied Spanish.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I've never. I don't know where it came from. So I'm assuming I could be part in some universe. Wow. Stop me before I lose a diet Sun Kiss. Not gonna get that diet Sun Kiss. Wow. You gotta feel like, get your work cut out for you there, Richard.

[Richard Martin]

I do. She's a handful, but I love her. You know, it's interesting. She's got a twin sister who is physically more attractive than her. I mean, if you look at the two of them, you'd say, my God, the twin sister has it all.

[Paul Gilmartin]

She's a twin.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah. But I look at Jazz, and Jazz has such a beautiful soul. You know, when I saw the two of them together for the first time, I looked and I said, well, Jazz obviously has one eye much lower than the other. She has almost no bosom. And yet I was attracted to her because there was a wounded quality over the sister, over the perfect one.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Jazz is quite attractive, but absolutely, I'm a very, very pretty person. And that's hard for me to put those words together sometimes, because for so long, I was living under a bridge with fairies, but let's not go into that. But the sister, even more attractive than you.

[Richard Martin]

Perfect.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Perfect.

[Richard Martin]

And yet not just more attractive, Adam, perfect.

[Paul Gilmartin]

The accessories. Her eyes, her lips, her tender, tender ears. Tender ears. And yet you found yourself attracted to Jazz.

[Richard Martin]

Mostly because the other sister wouldn't talk to me, but, I mean, her sister got a 1600 on her SATs.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Really? 16? Higher than 1500. Wow. I have a hard time focusing.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, I'm sure you're more of a people person.

[Richard Martin]

We're not here to point out Jazz's flaws. That's what Sundays are for. I'd like to take the family out to the country, find a nice quiet place, and I go over their flaws that I've gathered from the week. We take a nice inventory. And a lot of kids say, isn't that cruel that you make your kids cry every week? And, you know, my dad always told me, he said, richard, if you can walk hot coals in diapers, you'll soar the skies in pinstripes.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Wow.

[Richard Martin]

I think that's what he said. The prison glass was kind of thick. But, you know, dad didn't. He didn't hold any Punches back. And I think I turned out pretty neat.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No. And where. What's next for you two? I mean, we'd like to try to get a show.

[Laura Silverman]

We're going to.

[Paul Gilmartin]

We are pitching a show.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah. Called reaching out with Mr. And Mrs. Richard Martin. And we want to reach out to the liberals and the people who've lost their way in the world. And we want to do it through music and dance, through song and dance and maybe. And maybe some skits.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, you guys can do skits.

[Richard Martin]

We want to put a show together when we're out here.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And again, mostly focus on gay men to try to sort of bring them back toward the light.

[Richard Martin]

The gays, the rappers, you know, getting.

[Paul Gilmartin]

People to know us so that they're not afraid of creating Christianity, of conservatism. It's been such a turn off to people. And we just want to show that we're lots of fun.

[Richard Martin]

We're crazy. We have a crazy time. You know, sometimes we'll surprise Jazz. Me and the two boys will go into the other room and we'll dress up like 50s gang members and we'll come busting out while that Bad to the Bones song is playing. You should see her eyes.

[Paul Gilmartin]

The fedora's on. Yeah.

[Richard Martin]

She thinks it's a home invasion.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I love we. I'm a bit of a nerd about veggietales and that's so important, the nerd culture. So I. I don't even know what those are. Veggie tails. Yeah, it's. It's an animated show. I think it's for kids mainly, but I guess some adults could enjoy them on a certain level. Jazz. Well, it's. It's a morality play. I. I think it's just probably just cucumbers with like, you know, tomatoes laughing it up. I didn't. I didn't read that much into it. Well, yeah, you haven't seen a season four. Oh, really? Just some beautiful Old Testament style justice being meted out. Justice.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Old Testament sounds.

[Richard Martin]

That's the best kind of justice.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You've got to see it and you've got to start from season one. You can't just start anywhere.

[Richard Martin]

Veggie tails.

[Paul Gilmartin]

VeggieTales. But before we go, I just want to talk about your future for a little bit. I mean, you've been a representative of Ohio for a number of years, which he has. We put it now it's being run by some people in India. We pay them $16.95 a month and he. They're building schools, etcetera. While we were doing.

[Richard Martin]

I get to stay out here.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You're outsourcing your job?

[Richard Martin]

You can call it that.

[Paul Gilmartin]

It's cutting costs. It's cutting costs.

[Richard Martin]

We're pairing now a smaller government.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Do you ever think about making a run at the presidency?

[Richard Martin]

You know, I've considered and I've had a lot of people tell me I got the goods.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Really?

[Richard Martin]

Oh, yeah. Mostly her, but you got the goods.

[Paul Gilmartin]

He's trained me to say that.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah. And then she gets a diet sun kissed.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Thank you, lady. You're pretty, but not as pretty as your sister. That's right. She's perfect.

[Adam Carolla]

But everybody's known who has a restraining.

[Richard Martin]

Order against us, which I thought was really unfair.

[Paul Gilmartin]

We just wanted to touch her skin. It looks so radiant. She puts a baby oil on it and it's just like you just get crazed.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah. And she caught me under her bed once.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Under her bed. He's just playing a game.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah, playing a game.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Wow. Yeah, I feel like that does sort of merit a restraining order.

[Richard Martin]

Tomato, tomato. Okay.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Murder. Murder. No run at the presidency. Not yet.

[Richard Martin]

Not yet. Well, I'm going to see how much our party needs us. You know, the Republican Party is certainly looking for a new voice. And I wouldn't. I wouldn't rule it out. But first, you know, I. I gotta see if I can turn this blue state red, you know, and if I can do my work out there, come.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Out in California, do the show.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah. Sketches, song, little song, maybe patriotic reenactments. Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Do you sing at all?

[Richard Martin]

She sings, I play. Little Getter. Yeah. Put an ax in my hand and I feel right at home.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Really?

[Richard Martin]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Are there bands you like?

[Richard Martin]

Sure, I like Seals and Croft.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I like some of their harder stuff like Summer Breeze.

[Richard Martin]

Summer Breeze. That one's a little. That one's a little raucous. But I like Nickelback. I think they're great. What I like about them is they don't surprise me. Every song's the same and I think that's just neat.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Right?

[Richard Martin]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You know what you're getting?

[Richard Martin]

You know, Nickelback cd.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You know exactly what you're getting.

[Richard Martin]

Absolutely.

[Paul Gilmartin]

They don't take a weird Joe Jackson, you know, bebop turn in the middle of your career.

[Richard Martin]

No chord I haven't heard before, Right?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. I don't like music. It upsets me. Yeah, but you can sing a little bit. I can sing as long as it's my voice. And they. Yeah, I won't mention it, but the others have said that it's okay that I sing. And, yeah, the others singing, just. It's. Never mind. And right now we're just working on some of the classics.

[Adam Carolla]

My Country T, Sweet Land of Liz.

[Paul Gilmartin]

He's so on key. It's like he's got perfect pitch.

[Richard Martin]

People say I surround the note Never. I never bust the door in But I've got it surrounded I. I don't want to.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You know, I do know something about show business, and, you know, I've been in this town for a little while, and if you're looking to attract the gay liberal audience, I just feel like.

[Richard Martin]

How do we get around the Jews?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, there. There's, you know, obviously, they seem to be very entrenched. Well, you know, in show businesses traditionally. Are you with you? No, no, I was. I'm not.

[Richard Martin]

What were you raised?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, I was an atheist. Really. Essentially.

[Richard Martin]

He may be our first project.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I didn't. Yeah. I mean, maybe I'll just say agnostic, because I don't, you know, feel like dancing right now, so.

[Richard Martin]

You might go to hell.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. I'm not Jewish. You know, don't. Over there is Jewish.

[Richard Martin]

He looks at.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, yeah, he's. I don't know how you.

[Richard Martin]

I'll talk to him, see if we can get a show through him.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You can tell if someone's Jewish from 20ft away? Yeah, just the way they fold their money.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I think that's kind of a stereotype. And I've known Donnie for 25 years, and I can't tell the difference between him and anyone else. I'm surprised that you could tell Donnie was Jewish from across the room.

[Richard Martin]

If you've been in a forest for a long time, you can't name each and every tree. But your first time in the forest, just say, look at that. Look at that tree. I've never seen a tree like that before.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And then, you know, you're in Germany. Yeah, I'm not. I think I'm a little confused by that. But anyway, you know, Donnie's Jewish, even.

[Richard Martin]

From here, and a nice fellow. All I'm asking is that he talk to some of the folks and see if we can get a show.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I don't think he. Just because he's Jewish doesn't mean he knows everyone in show business. I'm a Jew, Billy. I'm not connected that way. That's kind of a stereotype.

[Richard Martin]

All right, well, we'll get some numbers from you then, for the. Yeah, the people that can help us.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. I'm just saying, if you're looking to attract the gay and progressive and liberal Audience singing the old standards probably isn't the way to do it. No. I mean, you know, maybe Nickelback or something. One of the Seals and Cross or one of those bands, something like that. But I think just singing the old patriotic songs probably not going to attract an audience.

[Richard Martin]

You're probably right.

[Paul Gilmartin]

We do.

[Richard Martin]

We need to update it. We needed to update it.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay.

[Richard Martin]

That's what she said. And I told her that she was wrong. She didn't get a diet Sun Kiss that day.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, is there anything you'd like to say to our audience in parting? I know you have a website that people can go to.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah. And we haven't put jazz on there yet. I haven't updated the site in a while. The fellow that used to run it for me took his life. Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

My picture is no reflection on the state of our relationship and its strength. There's a picture of you on there.

[Richard Martin]

No, there isn't.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, there's no picture. I see. But that doesn't reflect. Reflect your relationship. No. We are very committed despite some very deep valleys, and we don't need to.

[Richard Martin]

Go into those here, hon.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I feel like it would be nice to put your wife's picture on your website.

[Richard Martin]

I think I'm going to do that. I think maybe you could get a picture of the two of us here.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, we'll do that. We'll put it on our website. I'm sorry to hear that your webmaster took us on live.

[Richard Martin]

Actually, I'm not.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, really?

[Richard Martin]

I'm not.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah. I actually suggested he go ahead and do it. He was actually becoming. That's not true. I didn't say he should go ahead and do it. I said, you do what you need to do. Which relieved me of any guilt.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Right.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

He had become a burden.

[Richard Martin]

He had. He was a downer.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I see. Okay, well, askarepublican.com is where you can go if you want to find out.

[Richard Martin]

When is this podcast going to air? Because I'm going to be in the belly of the beast up in San Francisco this weekend with Janine Garofalo, who I'm told is a lesbian. I'm not sure. Is that correct?

[Paul Gilmartin]

I don't know if she knows she's a gay lesbian. Homosexual.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah. Her and Marc Maron and Paul Provenza at Cobbs Comedy Theater in San Francisco this weekend.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You should definitely Google them, because I feel like that might not be your crowd.

[Richard Martin]

Okay.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I mean, that's the perfect crowd for us because we're reaching out.

[Richard Martin]

I'll bring my Guitar.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Load up that Nickelback.

[Richard Martin]

We'll see what they think.

[Paul Gilmartin]

AskARefublican.com representative Richard Martin and his beautiful wife Jazz.

[Richard Martin]

Mr. And Mrs. Richard Martin. That's what we like to be called.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay. Mr. And Mrs. Richard Martin. Richard Martin and your three beautiful one. Only one biological daughter.

[Richard Martin]

Yes. We have two beautiful children. Three total, but two are beautiful. That's what we like to say.

[Paul Gilmartin]

We don't tell them we wish you well.

[Giovanni]

All right, that's Adam Carol Show 60, another episode we played quite a bit of. I just want to play a select clip so you can get a vibe of what it felt like. Coming up next, we have another example of when things go right. Adam Carol Show 113. Vanstone. Vanstone, a comedy band that's also real band headed by Dave Sheridan, the actor. I think it was all the way Back to like MTV's Buzzkill, if I'm not mistaken. And then he was best known for playing was Doofy Gilmore in Scary Movie, a parody of Dewey Riley. David Arquette's character from Scream. Joe Rogan's talked in depth about appearing in a movie he was in when they were trying to kind of launch his career. When he's kind of part of the Hollywood machine. He's done various long stretches talking about it. Adams, of course, talked to Dave in studio on the Adam Kroll morning show. From 2006 onward to this episode in 2009, this is the final appearance of Van Stone in the Adam Kroll show world. It's great they got to appear on the podcast. Hope you guys enjoy it.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Hey, it's Adam Kroll from the Adam Karla show. Bet Online is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting. From the earliest odds to in game live betting, Bet Online provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they happen with the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA and college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA and championship boxing. All your betting needs in one place. Head to Bet Online today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun. Make these games and these events and these combat sports a little more interesting with Bet Online. Bet Online. The game starts here. Yeah, yeah. Get it on. Got to get it on. So excited to welcome for the first time now, you know the guys from my old radio show, but never the podcast. Van Stone, Palmdale's number three rock band.

[Donnie]

Actually, I want to make A correction. We're actually ranked 2.6 right now. And because of the Roundup system, they. They still rank us at 3. But, you know, I'm counting decibel points now.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Last time we spoke, you guys were number three behind Windjammer.

[Donnie]

Windjammer still number two, and Scourge is pretty solid at number one. I don't know what's gonna shake those guys.

[Paul Gilmartin]

We fear at some point they would outgrow Palmdale and you guys would slide up a notch.

[Donnie]

You think? But, you know, the Palmdale City Council is talking about just enlarging the actual.

[Paul Gilmartin]

City boundaries so they don't have to leave. Yeah, exactly, Stevie.

[Donnie]

There's a lot of desert out there.

[Paul Gilmartin]

New member of the band. Stevie's playing the guitar. Stevie Peavey, everybody's favorite guy. That's me. And, of course, Hawk, you remember, from the old days. Where's Lonnie?

[Donnie]

I don't really want to talk about Lonnie, but if you want to get.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Me started, I mean, you guys are brothers. Your twin brothers. You guys are really the backbone of Van Stone.

[Donnie]

Not anymore. He's. He's more like broke back Mountain bone, you know what I mean? Because that motherfucker. And I could say that word now that we're on podcast. No longer shackled by the FCC and all that bull crap. And let me tell you something. And I'm not. I'm over it.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, a quick piece of history. You and Lonnie Van Stone. I mean, you're the. You guys are Van Stones. Randy Lonnie Van Stone. Is that sort of like Van Halen, in a way?

[Donnie]

We're twin brothers, and we were.

[Paul Gilmartin]

We were sort of crazy.

[Donnie]

Not only did we form the band, but we. We formed more than a friendship because we were twin brothers.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And.

[Donnie]

And, you know, when we were kids, we used to say, wound to the tomb, wounded, attuned.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Right. And then the grave. Yeah, right, right. So you guys started Van Stone how many years ago in Palm Down?

[Donnie]

Well, you know, him and I together started Van Stone when we were born, pretty much.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But. Well, yeah, as far as forming the.

[Donnie]

Band, like, six, seven years ago? 2003.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. Right. And you found out now he's not here today. Is he in the band anymore?

[Donnie]

Lonnie's technically not in the band. And as far as we're concerned, based on, like, you know, records, you know, on any kind of record that we reprint, we will not be putting his name on it or anything, because his name will be stricken. He doesn't even exist. He's not my twin brother anymore. Because it turned out he came out one night, he got a little. Little too loosey goosey on some Xanax, and everything started pouring out on the motherfucker. I'm addicted. I'm addicted. And we're like, dude, we can get you help, man. I know you're an addict. No, I'm an addict to cock. He said, I'm an addict to men's Harry's balls.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So he's gay?

[Donnie]

Turns out he's gay. If that's how you want to put it. I don't call it gay, all right? I refer to it as being a faggot.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, why can't he be in the band?

[Donnie]

I mean, let me tell you something about being gay. The guy that's running your board could be gay, right?

[Paul Gilmartin]

A dude.

[Donnie]

It's letting it all hang out on stage, and all of a sudden, he's in a gay pride parade wearing a Van Stone shirt on a Van Stone float that I did not authorize in the gay pride parade of Palmdale.

[Kent Nichols]

Right?

[Donnie]

That's being a faggot.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, what about Judas Priest and Lonnie.

[Donnie]

Can'T sing as good as that guy.

[Paul Gilmartin]

All right? So that guy gets a pass. I like it.

[Donnie]

You don't talk about Rob Halford.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I'm just saying, all right? I think he's been the grand marshal of a couple gay parades.

[Donnie]

Let me tell you something, Adam. Is Rob Halford ranked number three in Palmdale?

[Paul Gilmartin]

No.

[Donnie]

He probably makes millions of dollars, so therefore, that faggot can stay in the van. But when you're number three trying to get the number two, trying to cross, just trying to get over that hump, the last thing you need is a guy humping another dude.

[Paul Gilmartin]

All right, well, so that's where. That's where Lonnie Van Stone is. He's officially out of the band.

[Donnie]

He's officially out unless he, you know, turns back. And I don't know if that, you know, is it nature or nurture? That's what freaks me out, dude. I'm his twin brother. Is there in my DNA?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, I've. Yeah, you better hope it's not nature or nurture.

[Donnie]

Actually, our father wasn't around, so I don't know who the hell nurtured him in that type of ven. You know?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, but I'm just. I'm just saying they're starting to think that it's more nature. Most gay people tell you they knew early on, and I'm sure Lonnie knew it, and maybe the band was Some sort form of compensation. You know, all the booze and all the women and the lifestyle and everything. I mean, maybe he had this feeling early on. I. I don't know. Either way, get inside.

[Donnie]

He said, all I can do is speak for myself in the fans out there that I didn't want my brother to have to leave the band just because he was gay. But we've got. What's that word you were using?

[Jason Nash]

All image.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Image.

[Donnie]

We have an image, okay?

[Paul Gilmartin]

To protect. Protect.

[Donnie]

And we write songs. $25 blowjob. When we're singing that out to the crowd. That's about a girl sucking on balls, not about a man sucking on balls.

[Paul Gilmartin]

In.

[Donnie]

And these are simple songs, but I don't want to over complicate them where people are going, well, wait, what is that about? Because one guy is gay?

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, I mean, listen, it's like Hollywood doesn't want to say the leading man is gay because if he found out Rock Hut Hudson was gay back in the 50s or 60s, you wouldn't believe him in the relationship he was having with Doris Day.

[Donnie]

And this is more so when he's on Mars, you wouldn't believe that he wasn't just boning one of those Martians in Martian Chronicles. If he was gay. You wouldn't even buy that. You'd be like, this dude's.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So you're saying you don't want a gay guy up on stage talking about.

[Donnie]

I don't want a gay guy in space.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, yeah, in space either. But you don't want a gay guy up on stage sharing the stage with Van Stone. Let's say you guys are opening for Windjammer or something like that.

[Donnie]

First of all, we will never open for Windjammer. They're a calypso cover band.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But they're ahead of you guys.

[Donnie]

They are ranked ahead. But they play Mr. Q's. And by the way, I gotta say something. I saw them the other night and they were spectacular. Nothing against Windjammer is very good. And if you get a chance to go to Mr. Q's on Avenue K, stop any. See Rich and Dean of Windjammer. But I gotta say something about Windjammer.

[Paul Gilmartin]

They're calypso cover band. They are ahead of you guys in the. In the rankings.

[Donnie]

Not for long. Not for long. Not for long. Not that we're getting any better, but they're getting older.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Scourge.

[Donnie]

One guys on Lipitor. I found out one of the guys is on Lipitor and the other dude might even have a heart condition.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Again, I take this in the spirit which is intended. It's just Scourge is a hard rock band. I definitely see them black metal. They're like the black metal. I can see them being ahead of you in the Palmdale power rankings. Thanks. Thanks. But a calypso cover band being number two. This doesn't make sense to me. I mean, Windjammer.

[Donnie]

Well, let's. I don't know who the voters are, okay? I don't know the voters, but they get a lot of cougars. They get a lot of hot 65 year old. Excuse me.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, they get a lot of Randy's drinking.

[Donnie]

A lot of chicks that after a few drinks they can be hot. Now, you know who doesn't find them hot? My fucking brother Lonnie.

[Kent Nichols]

Okay?

[Donnie]

And I know that I'm not gay. And I know therefore it's got to be nurture. Some uncle or some, you know.

[Paul Gilmartin]

How do you know you're not gay?

[Donnie]

I've tested. I know I've been tested.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I mean, test.

[Donnie]

Well, I'm self tested.

[Paul Gilmartin]

How do you self test?

[Donnie]

You log on to you porn, you go to look the gay section and you watch several hours. I've got over a thousand five hundred views right now of several different gay porns. Black, all black. No boner. No boner. Dude, that means I'm okay.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Couldn't you have decided that in five minutes? We did like at least 200 hours.

[Donnie]

Together when Stevie joined the band. Stevie Peaby of PB Amps, the rich motherfucking kid.

[Paul Gilmartin]

He is.

[Donnie]

When he joined the band. I go, whoa, first of all, you look kind of gay. You do look kind of gay.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Hey, I wear gay jeans. But you've got the gay gene. That's a good point.

[Donnie]

I can say that.

[Paul Gilmartin]

All right. He's kidding. I'm just kidding. Talking about I didn't even know Lonnie was gay. I had a heart to heart with Lonnie. Said he was leaving the band.

[Donnie]

Were you guys lying in bed together with this heart to heart?

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, I mean it was sort of a couch action, but fucking. He. He said, I just got a lot of pride. I want to. I want to take my pride to the streets and march about. He said, hey, everyone's got to be proud. He said he'd like desperate to get married and they won't let him for some reason.

[Ninja]

I don't know.

[Paul Gilmartin]

His wife was girl is so you like you. You weren't able to do the math at that point? Yeah, pretty much. And then, you know, Randy kind of sat me down, told me was What? And I still kind of didn't figure it out. And then we talked about it again.

[Donnie]

And I wanted to make sure that you weren't gay. So we watched a few, you know.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Like you guys watched several hundred hours of gay porn. I knew you too.

[Donnie]

We did like maybe 35.

[Paul Gilmartin]

We share the same Internet connection. Yeah, dial up broadband. I know, but I listen, you know what?

[Donnie]

You got to pay a lot for bandwidth, by the way. I heard.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, it's expensive.

[Donnie]

What you porn's paying.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, I'm just saying this. I'm straight, but I go to you porn.

[Kent Nichols]

I'm sure.

[Donnie]

Okay, you went to you porn, Go ahead.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I go to the straight department, you know, I don't go to the gay department. I don't need to find out that I'm. You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying.

[Donnie]

What the hell is that gay section there for anyway? That's there to test you.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, you say it's like a test. Why would they have enough good with tranny? It's got to move a little further.

[Donnie]

Is training on there?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Is there a training? There's training. I don't know if there's a tranny box. There is. It's totally hetero to watch tranny on woman though. I'll just tell you that because that's only one unit per movie.

[Donnie]

I, I'll have to admit I haven't watched training on you porn, but I have logged into some tranny sites and stuff. And here's the thing about that. It's like an America's got Talent kind of thing. Like you got to give it up to them. Like they are doing a sort of performance art with their body. And so like it's, you know, I don't find it completely like.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, I don't know. I don't look like an art installation. I think we have a phone call.

[Donnie]

Have you ever been waited on by like a tranny that was up all night and you look and they've got a little bit of scruff and their eyebrows are kind of coming in.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I've passed a lot of them on Santa Monica Boulevard when I used to drive in to do morning radio at like 5:30 in the morning, coming in, you know, waiting for shakies to open. Yeah, that was bad times. We have a call for Van Stone by way. Yeah, we got a Skype call for you. By the way.

[Donnie]

I don't know what Skype is. Is that gay? Sounds gay.

[Paul Gilmartin]

It could be. Let's find out who's on the line. Hey, what's up, Adam? My name is Jason. I'm a big fan of yours and Randy. Love you guys, man. Love you guys. Thanks. You big Van Stone fan. Are you calling from Palmdale? No, I'm actually calling from South Almani. Okay, you're El Monte, but you'll make the pilgrimage to Palmdale to catch Vans Stone. I sure would. I sure would.

[Donnie]

August 15th at the Roxy. Stevie Peavey will be making his debut replacing my gay brother Lonnie. He's no longer in the band, so I want all of El Monte to come out. I don't even know where that is because I don't get out of Palmdale that much, but it sounds very similar.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You.

[Donnie]

You can relate to Palmdale, can't you, being from El Monte, huh?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kent Nichols]

It's hotter than.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

Jason, come up. Come up to go. Come to the August 15th Roxy show and say hi to me. And I got a Brandy Vanstone T shirt for you, bro.

[Paul Gilmartin]

That's right. The band's much better looking now that I've joined, so, you know.

[Donnie]

Although I gotta say, gay people are very good looking men.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Do you want to. Do you guys want to do a call? You want to take another call? You want to do a song? Adam.

[Kent Nichols]

Adam.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. Question.

[Kent Nichols]

I gotta interrupt you guys really quick.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I gotta get this question out.

[Kent Nichols]

It's been just this looming over my.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Head in the Hammer, which is. Which is one of the. Which is a movie that I put on right before I go to bed habitually almost every night. I. Tv. Thank you. Thank you. And in the Hammer, there's a scene where you're trying to make weight for the nationals, and which is funny because it doesn't look like you're losing weight, like, you know, realistically. Right. I'm curious if you did lose weight during that process of making the movie like some actors do, Like Christian Bale for the. For the Machinist. I know it's a stretch, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had to stretch it a little bit because we only had like a 20 day shooting schedule and maybe 21, 22 days and we shot out of order. So I wasn't really able to drop 10 pounds or 15 pounds because it was shot out of order and the time period was so short, so that most of that is just sort of bullshit. I mean, I, you know, I don't really. We just sort of banked on the fact that if someone had to lose 12 pounds, you wouldn't really know it anyway if they didn't tuck their shirt in. So that was There. There was. There was no real. There was a little bit of weight loss, but like I said, this stuff was shot out of order, so it was sort of academic.

[Donnie]

But when you're shooting on movies and stuff, you don't get to eat that much because you're working so hard so you naturally lose some weight.

[Paul Gilmartin]

That's true. And you're stressed out. But thanks, Jason, and thanks for watching.

[Donnie]

Hey, Jason, can I ask you a question?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Thanks for indulging. Yeah.

[Donnie]

You don't cut my hair, do you?

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, man, I don't.

[Donnie]

Okay, cool.

[Paul Gilmartin]

There's a guy named Jason who cuts your hair.

[Kent Nichols]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You know Monty?

[Donnie]

Nobody. He lives out like a Riverside or something.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, I could so could have been just that Jason. Yeah. All right. You guys want to do.

[Donnie]

I didn't know we actually had other fans.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Do you want to. Do you mean outside of Palm Day?

[Donnie]

Outside of anyone but in. That's in this room.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Do you want to. Do you want to do a song? Let's.

[Donnie]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah.

[Donnie]

I want to roll a song. Are we ready to roll song here? Here's the deal, Adam. When my brother came out of the closet and addicted and admitted his addiction towards men's testicles.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, I don't think that's what it is.

[Donnie]

That's what he said.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, I see. I actually said that.

[Donnie]

Addicted to hairy balls.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, he said that. Okay, well, then if he said that, that's fine.

[Donnie]

My thing is, this is. Hey, Bill, feel free to pick that up and roll for us. Thanks, dude.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. Go. Run. Run. You're going to run. Run a camera on this? Yeah. All right. So what do you got, cuz?

[Donnie]

This is. This is the damn truth. I. I was trying to write a song, you know, I needed to get back on the horse. You know what I mean?

[Paul Gilmartin]

I was broken down.

[Donnie]

I was a broken man. I'm still a broken man.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I freaked you out. Not only is this guy your brother, but he's your twin brother.

[Donnie]

Twins were kind of split from the same egg, right?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Comes out.

[Donnie]

And comes is the wrong word.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, steps out. And not only out of the closet, but out. And you guys are hard rock band.

[Donnie]

Hard is again. Don't we try to use all right words when we're talking about Lonnie.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You guys are a driven rock band out of Palmdale. It doesn't look good with your image to have a gay front man in the band.

[Donnie]

Technically, he was written guitarist.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, either way, he was lead rhythm. Look, we. You know, Michael Jackson. There's reports that he may have been gay and that he could never come out of the closet because it would ruin his career. You guys might go from number three to number 15. Could happen if Lonnie's found out to be gay. So you kicked him out of the band, but you're struggling with, you know.

[Donnie]

Yeah. And I actually never thought how it would affect the rankings. Now that I do the math, there are slightly big gay population in Palmdale. Maybe I made a mistake. We could be number one if we kept him in.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, either way, he's out of the band. He's out of the band. You wrote a song.

[Donnie]

I was distraught. I didn't know what am I gonna write about? You know what I mean? Because I wanted to make sure that I did. I wanted to keep it simple. I didn't want to confuse anybody. If the first thing came out of the thing called rock hard, everybody get rock hard. What's that about? Lonnie's right. You know what I mean? We do. I wrote that, you know, and it isn't about. It's about a work. It's about working out. Working out is not gay unless there's, you know, a lot of shirtless dudes, you know?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Right, right.

[Giovanni]

All right, that's Adam Cole show 113 with Dave Sheridan. He also appeared briefly in the film Ghost World as Doug the Dude. The parking out the Nunchucks. All right, coming up next, we have Adam Carlos Show 120 with the great Laura Silverman and the shaman, played by Jason Nash. This one gets wrapped up a little early. Check it out.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Welcome to the podcast for the first time. Laura Silverman, one of my favorites. Of course, you know her sister Sarah. Laura, you also know from the Sarah Silverman show and many other projects. Dr. Katz is probably where we first met you. Yes. She's brought her friend the shaman. Or the shaman.

[Adam Carolla]

The Shaman.

[Paul Gilmartin]

The Shaman.

[Adam Carolla]

Either one. I'm a big fan. Adam, thank you for having really.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Friend.

[Laura Silverman]

Friend is a loose term.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I listen to your podcast every morning. I Two podcasts. I listen to Adam Corolla podcast and the Fast and Furious. Exclusive clips behind the scenes.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, wow. I feel that's a lot of range.

[Adam Carolla]

That's.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Although I do live my life quarter mile at a time.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's why I like it. I know you like cars.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And I was disgusted by the way Mr. Shaman.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You know, when I was talking to Jordana Brewster.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, right.

[Paul Gilmartin]

From the Fast and the Furious.

[Adam Carolla]

She's excellent on the podcast. Their podcast.

[Paul Gilmartin]

She's excellent in that. And I made a reference to Nas hitting The Nas. And she didn't know I was talking about nitrous. And the entire movie is actually a commercial for nitrous oxide. So it's funny that you could be in a movie. It would be like being in the Godfather and me saying, hey, here's a fedora, and you're going, what? What is that? I've not heard that term before.

[Laura Silverman]

I'm just happy to know finally know something that Jordana Brewster has been in. Because I just see her, you know, in every. On every red carpet in US Weekly, and I didn't know she ever was in anything.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You have obviously not followed the Fast and the Furious trilogy, and I'm glad.

[Adam Carolla]

That Nas is in a movie. That's the rapper. He's.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, no, no. We're talking about nitrous oxide. Do you mind if I play the bongo?

[Adam Carolla]

This is a bongo that I picked up. This is a bongo I picked up. Do you mind if I do a proper intro to myself?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, go ahead. Is that all right? Introduce yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

Is everybody in? Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin. Hello, searchers, followers, people of a new dawn. I am a vision, the man known as the Shaman. Or you can call me by my other name, Dan Goldblatt. Here we go.

[Paul Gilmartin]

How about the part where you want to yell at your mom that you want to eff her? Is that in there?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that comes a little bit later. I wrote a song I wrote for you, too. I don't know who you're talking about.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I feel like what you just did there was kind of a doorsy Jim. I always feel like Jim Morrison did that.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't know Jim Morrison.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, I know you don't know him personally, but I feel like I don't know Edgar Allan Poe, but if I did something called the Raven, I would be ripping him off.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I have to do my research. Oh, great. Ace man. I don't. I don't know who that is.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, I'm not calling you. I'm not saying that you intentionally stole.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Paul Gilmartin]

From Tim Morrison.

[Adam Carolla]

How could I?

[Paul Gilmartin]

But you must have heard that somewhere, and maybe you're in a trance or you're high on mushrooms or something.

[Adam Carolla]

K.D. lang a lot.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, not that you look like. Not that you look like KD I.

[Adam Carolla]

Also get one of the Indigo Girls. A lot.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You don't look like Jim Morrison. What you just did there was sort of a ripoff, really. Poetry. Well, I know those are harsh words, but that it came from. So it must more than homage.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Well, to each his own, said the maid as she kissed the pig.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, no, I. I feel like he lifted that really well. Yeah. Okay, well, I'm not attacking you. I'm just saying to many of my listeners, that's going to sound familiar and.

[Adam Carolla]

Because I've never heard it. I've never heard it.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I see. Just made that out of whole cloth.

[Adam Carolla]

Came from my loins.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Say.

[Paul Gilmartin]

All right. Do you have any other poems?

[Adam Carolla]

I've got some wonderful. I have a song I'd like to do at the end of the show.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Written about you. It's a tribute to the Ace man. As I said, I do.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Listen, it's called Come on, Baby, Light My Fire.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, it's an original.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You'll.

[Adam Carolla]

You'll love it. Have you seen a bongo before? Do you know? This is a great instrument. I don't know if you've ever seen. This is called a bongo.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, I've seen a bongo, but I feel like most people play them with their palms, not their fingertips.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a tribe in Boulder, Colorado, that gave this to me.

[Paul Gilmartin]

In Boulder.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And you play with your fingertips.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, your fingertips. That's probably the best way to play it. I've tried elbows. Not as good as you.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Their palms, but that's a smaller one.

[Laura Silverman]

Well, anyway, too violent, I think.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. So, now, Laura, how did you hook up with the shaman?

[Laura Silverman]

We met at Jewish camp when we were kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I don't. I thought it was really a spiritual journey that we were on, but, well.

[Laura Silverman]

We sang prayers in Hebrew at dinnertime.

[Adam Carolla]

This is true.

[Laura Silverman]

And sometimes you would feel like, you know, it was kind of like, ooh, like swept up in it.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I guess there's an aura there.

[Laura Silverman]

I guess so. And then recently I just ran into him again because he was hitchhiking outside my apartment for, like, about two and a half weeks.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. Really?

[Adam Carolla]

No one would pick me up.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Nobody.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You seem pleasant enough. Well, was your shirt on or off?

[Adam Carolla]

I've got some weight to lose. That's for sure.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Ace man, no doubt, was your shirt. You were shirtless, but always shirtless.

[Adam Carolla]

I never wear a shirt, but with the bongo, I want to wear a shirt. I just can't.

[Laura Silverman]

He doesn't know how to approach it.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't find the right shirt.

[Paul Gilmartin]

See, I feel like, you know, to me, when I'm. When I'm looking at a hitchhiker, you know, prospective hitchhiker, to pick up, there's some of. It is, am I going to get raped in the mountains? You know, at knife point. But the other part is, and more pressing factor would be a BO factor.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You know what I mean? And I feel like the guy. I'm either gonna get a wave of patchouli that's gonna knock me into the diamond lane, or I'm just gonna get some of his man funk onto my upholstery, you know? So maybe shirt on is the easier sell when it comes to hitchhiking.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I only shop at Erewhon on Beverly. I don't know it. I do know they do let me in their shirtless, and they have the best deer antler in the city, so.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. But they don't sell.

[Adam Carolla]

And they do smell. You're right.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Everyone, they should sell shirts. I like the super ambitious, by the way, hitchhiker who I see on Laurel Canyon in Studio City waiting on the 101 tattoo. No, no, not that guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Different guy, sure. But the guy who has the pizza box and he's written with it on it with used a charcoal briquette to write Oregon. And I'm thinking to myself, like, wow, that's ambitious, because I'm only. Only going to Sherman Oaks, but Oregon, like, every once in a while, you'll see that guy with the crazy, like, Maui, you know, like, crazy ambitious guy. Not. I just want to get 100 yards further up the road. I'm going. You going to Oregon?

[Richard Martin]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I took a canoe to Oregon once from San Pedro.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Wow, that is up there.

[Adam Carolla]

Took me three years.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You paddled the canoe?

[Adam Carolla]

Paddled the canoe. I had television in there. Beautiful bunch of rap CDs. I mean, I was three years pretty modern in considering that it was a canoe. I had a lot of things in there. Wi Fi.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Amazing. And I'd love to take you on that journey sometime.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, I don't think I have three years to paddle to Oregon.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you probably don't. You're a busy man. I know you.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to talk a little bit about what I do, if that's okay. Just wanted to let people out there.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I'd like to know what you do.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a shaman. And a lot of people don't know what a shaman is. A shaman is a medicine man or spiritual mundanugo. And basically my job is to heal people, the sick, the old. Do what Western medicine can't. Most of my work over the last year has been done, though, at rock concerts, at Coachella, at the sick tent with kids who got ahold of bad acid so I've been doing some good work there.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So you mean like you're some kid just. He's just got too big a dose of X and he's. He's coming down, crashing pretty hard, and you're there.

[Adam Carolla]

I go. I go to Coachella and I blanket the place with acid. Now, if you're dealing with a large amount of acid, some of that is going to be bad. And then I just wait in the.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Shake and wait for business to roll in. But how do you get paid?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's not about being paid. It's just about helping people.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But it could take you months to hitchhike to Coachella. I feel like, you know, at some point, somebody, you know, the bongo needs to be reskinned. That ain't free.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's all part of the journey, you know?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, but, like, where would you live?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's say, where would I live at Coachella?

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, I mean, in general. Oh. I mean, where do I live? Yeah, I mean, the lifestyle.

[Adam Carolla]

Laura's back house.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh.

[Laura Silverman]

So, yeah, it's actually right now where.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm staying right now.

[Laura Silverman]

It's a shed and it's. I think it belongs to the owner of the building.

[Adam Carolla]

I also have a great way of bringing kids down from too much drugs.

[Paul Gilmartin]

How do you do that?

[Adam Carolla]

It's a concoction I love to use. It's goji juice and raw cacao.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I don't know what those are.

[Adam Carolla]

I keep it in my fanny pack. And then if that doesn't work, I also keep a small garden snake in there, and I'll throw the garden snake.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And that at the kid. Snaps them.

[Adam Carolla]

And believe me, it works.

[Paul Gilmartin]

It snaps them right at him.

[Adam Carolla]

It scares them and teaches them to stay off drugs.

[Paul Gilmartin]

They mean they sober up almost immediately.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, immediately. You know, when Fisher Spooner is jamming for 35 minutes, we're all ready to face our worst fears. You know what I mean?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Sure. Yeah. The garden snake. Yeah, sure. So look out.

[Adam Carolla]

Just kidding.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Just kidding. But still, I was still. I'm not even barely high, and I still felt a little surface.

[Adam Carolla]

I know where the garden snake's gonna come out.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, also, asking someone if you can pull your snake out of your fanny pack just alone is probably enough to sober them up, you know? Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't ask.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, okay. I understand. Comes at you back after.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if you can catch him. I have a bunch of snakes.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I. Again, this hitchhiking order keeps getting taller by the second. You know, you carrying the reptiles, shirtless fanny pack, it just.

[Adam Carolla]

You're saying, no wonder I'm not getting picked up.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. I mean, nothing personal, but you're not presenting an attractive target. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

No, not at all.

[Kent Nichols]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing wrong with walking either.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No. Now, do you use deodorant or just use crystals?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't believe in deodorant. No. As a matter of fact, you know.

[Paul Gilmartin]

For me, deodorant is more about what do other people believe in, you know? Not me. You know what I mean? I don't believe in shampoo, deodorant, or condoms, but other people believe in that, you know what I mean? And I feel like I. For them that I put on the condom or the deodorant.

[Adam Carolla]

I meant to put on some Uncle Tom's today for you.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, man, I forgot.

[Adam Carolla]

I forgot.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, and that's. I don't think it's Uncle Tom's. I'm pretty theater. It's just Tom's made.

[Adam Carolla]

No, Uncle Tom.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Tom's. There's a brand called Tom's of Maine that makes. Tom's of Maine. They make deodorant, toothpaste, make natural stuff. Uncle Tom.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Uncle Tom. There's a black man on the.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, that's a different.

[Adam Carolla]

Must be. Maybe that was gag. That was some gag deodorant I bought at Spencer Gifts. Maybe.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No wonder I smell, right? No wonder I smell.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Smelled like fried catfish. Yeah, that's. That's Uncle Tom's. Yeah. No, Tom's of Maine's a different company. Who I don't think would appreciate that at all.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, guys. Sorry about that.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. And I use that deodorant, by the way. I like that. You do. It's all natural. The mouthwash is good.

[Laura Silverman]

The toothpaste is good at the store.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm doing some work over at the. A new religious facility in Los Angeles. Actually, it's the Laurent Hubbard Center. It's a black facility.

[Paul Gilmartin]

L. Ron. L. Ron.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's La Ron. La Ron Hubbard.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, Lauren Hubbard is.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure. I'm sure a place that was founded by a man named Laurent is a.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, I know it seems like a black church.

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty sure.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, it does. And I've never heard it pronounced that way. It does seem like Lauren Hubbard seems like a guy who played, you know, defensive back for the raiders in the 70s, but. No, this is L. Ron Hubbard got it wrong again. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

This is embarrassing. Is this going to be heard by a lot of.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, Uncle Tom's of Maine at the La Ron.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Hubbard is not That's. That's not the way to go. So. So you're doing some work over there?

[Adam Carolla]

Doing some work over at the Laurent Hubbard Center, Showing my web series is shaman, which Adam.com came to me and said, would you like to work with Laura Silverman? And now that's the Skilar Brothers.

[Paul Gilmartin]

That's a t o m atom.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the only web series written by a unicorn, I can tell you that.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Written by my unicorn, Dazzle, you hook.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Now, do you. I have a unicorn.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course I do have a unicorn. Here he is right here.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I brought a. Wow. I brought a picture of him. That's a.

[Adam Carolla]

There he is. That's Dazzle.

[Paul Gilmartin]

That's a horse wearing a pointed party hat.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Dazzle loves to party.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, no, but that's not a unicorn.

[Adam Carolla]

Every day. Every day is your birthday when you're a unicorn.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I don't think it's unicorn. No, sure it's a horse. Well, yeah, it's just a regular horse.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, Dazzle has a drinking problem, so. Yeah, actually too much. Too much partying.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So you can find [e-mail]. adam.com and, Laura, what would you be doing on that show?

[Laura Silverman]

I play Wendy.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yes, it's.

[Laura Silverman]

Yeah, it's a fictionalized version of Shaman's real life.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Laura Silverman]

I play Wendy, who is his friend Matt's boss. And then, you know, I'm gone for a while because I was.

[Adam Carolla]

She was off shooting.

[Laura Silverman]

I was shooting a movie, you know, whatever, no big deal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Laura Silverman]

And, you know, and the series sort of took a slump, and then I came back and the episodes got good again.

[Adam Carolla]

You're probably wondering if Laura and I have a physical, physical relationship. And let me just say, as the great Hopi warrior Phony Cha Wa would say, it's complicated.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh. So I'm gonna take that as a big yes. Yeah.

[Laura Silverman]

No, wait, I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

No, wait, that's Denise Richards.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Who says that?

[Adam Carolla]

I get those two confused.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, they were both.

[Adam Carolla]

They were both topless and wild things. I get them confused.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I've watched the Denise Richards show and it turns out she's. It's not that complicated.

[Laura Silverman]

No, it's complicated to her, I think the title should be It's Complicated to me.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. To everyone else it's checkers, but to.

[Laura Silverman]

You, it's a Rubik's Cube.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Let's see.

[Laura Silverman]

It's Complicated to episode number three.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Let me guess. Playboy wants you to do a spread that's not that complicated.

[Adam Carolla]

Three plus three.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Dad doesn't approve of the new guy you're dating. Yeah, not that complicated.

[Adam Carolla]

Trying to jump in on the riff here. It's not happening.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Sorry. I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's my fault.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No. Well, there was a certain vibration that you tuned into that was happening with Laura and myself, and he just, you know, just kind of. It's like. You know what it's like? It's like double Dutch. Oh, we're a couple of black girls, Uncle Tom. Our hair's done up in cornrows. We're spinning the thing. You have to kind of jump in.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I'm gonna get on. Comedy is new to me. I'm really about helping people, so comedy is new to me.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Now again, the shaman, which is on Adam.com you can find now, Laura, also, you do your sister's program, Sarah Silverman show. A new third season starts 2010.

[Laura Silverman]

Yes, we just started shooting a third season. We are. We're basically. We're finishing episode. We're doing on episode three of 10 Now.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Sarah, one of the nicest people I've ever met. How do you guys get along? Is it. Is it weird working on your sister's show, or are you grateful for the opportunity?

[Laura Silverman]

Oh, I'm absolutely grateful for the opportunity. And it's really fun. We get along great at work. We mostly see each other at work. I mean, we're busy otherwise, and we have our own friends and things. Like, we don't.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I feel like you two should be fighting more.

[Laura Silverman]

Yeah, we don't really fight. I mean, we have little squabbles that last for two seconds that end with like, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. I was just in a bad mood. I'm sorry. You know, like, that's about it. We don't really fight. No.

[Adam Carolla]

They'Re very.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Like the two sisters.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You know, sisters that were in the same town going after many of the same roles and.

[Laura Silverman]

Same men, for that matter, after the same roles. We are really very different. We're very different. I don't know if you've noticed.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, you are very different in terms of. Of, I guess, your Persona or maybe your real life. But if I was casting somebody who was 30 something, who was slender, who was attractive, who was funny.

[Laura Silverman]

Do go on.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I was gonna say the shaman would come to mind. No, I mean, I feel like, you.

[Laura Silverman]

Know, I think another thing is that, like, I do a lot of comedy stuff, but my ambition has never been to be in comedy or to even be, like, a comedic actor. It just sort of, like, went that way, and I Love doing it, but I've always wanted to. I've always aspired to be like more of a dramatic actress.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, yeah.

[Laura Silverman]

Our goals aren't really the same. Like, she's a comedian, you know, she does stand up. She, you know, she has her own show which is like based on a, you know, a character she created.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Right.

[Laura Silverman]

That's, you know, we just don't really ultimately want the same things. So it's not like we're, we're like chasing the same dream or like, what do you know, have our eyes on the same prize.

[Kent Nichols]

Right.

[Paul Gilmartin]

All right, all right, I'll buy that.

[Adam Carolla]

Between the two, Laura talks to me. Sarah does not.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Sir. Does not.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Doesn't know I'm alive.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's the difference.

[Laura Silverman]

She actually, she wants you to stop tweeting her.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Laura Silverman]

Shaman tweets.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, because I feel like to be so sort of high tech for a shaman like yourself. Yeah, I feel for you. It'd be more like smoke signals or something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

I've done some smoke signals. I've retweeted some smoke signals before. Retweethamtweettwat.com I know.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So Sarah doesn't like you?

[Adam Carolla]

No, she just doesn't know I exist, I think.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Or maybe she does, but I mean, I feel like Laura, you could broker that relationship if you, you know.

[Laura Silverman]

Yeah, I tried. You know, it was, it was a no go. That was one of our few squabbles.

[Adam Carolla]

I wrote her some fart jokes and I didn't get a response.

[Laura Silverman]

Yeah, because no one does that.

[Paul Gilmartin]

She's.

[Adam Carolla]

She's trying to get in the door.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Laura, you single as well and you have a boyfriend?

[Laura Silverman]

Single right now, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you believe that? Ace man. I can't believe it's so good looking.

[Paul Gilmartin]

It doesn't make sense to me. But why, why not? I mean, what, what do you think?

[Laura Silverman]

I mean, I think that I, in a lot of ways have enjoyed being single in recent years and I also just haven't haven't met someone that I've fallen in love with. So when that happens, then it, you know, I would be not single and.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No biological clock ticking. Don't want kids.

[Laura Silverman]

Not really. I mean, I mean, I'm not that old yet.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yes. But if we, if we, I could we taken this sort of mandate away from the biological clock by. Do you feel like technology? I feel like a couple things have happened. A. Everyone found out they're going to live till 85, so everyone went, fuck it, I'm not getting married until I'm 40.

[Laura Silverman]

Right.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And then secondly, all the women I know that are into their 30s, when you ask them about kids, they sort of have that. Someone can harvest an egg in a few years, and I'll mix it over in the centrifuge, and the next thing, baby will pop out.

[Laura Silverman]

I'm not interested in any of that, actually. I really. My older sister has two adopted sons, and the oldest one is 10, and ever since they brought him home, I sort of knew that that was gonna be for me like that. If I ever had kids, I would want to adopt. It just clicked with me, just.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Your older sister's a rabbi.

[Laura Silverman]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And she adopted, and that's the direction you'd like to go? Yeah.

[Laura Silverman]

Well, she has two sons who are adopted and three girls that came out of her body.

[Adam Carolla]

Would you ever go?

[Laura Silverman]

Which is weird. And I also saw that and thought maybe not so much for me.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Would you go out of the country?

[Laura Silverman]

I'm wearing this today because that's why.

[Adam Carolla]

I noticed you have a small black child.

[Laura Silverman]

Yes. Her two sons are both from Ethiopia, and. But I don't know. I think I would go more local.

[Adam Carolla]

Do they have big bellies?

[Laura Silverman]

They don't. They don't have big bellies.

[Paul Gilmartin]

This is.

[Laura Silverman]

Somebody was wearing this stickers is a sticker of, like, a little African girl, and it says, I helped a girl today. I did not help a girl today, but someone else was wearing it and gave it to me. And first of all, I really love that mint green color with the. But this little girl looks exactly like one of my little nephews.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh.

[Laura Silverman]

Which seems like a racist thing to say.

[Adam Carolla]

She looks like the girl from Slumdog.

[Laura Silverman]

Millionaire, but she doesn't look like the other nephew.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Shaman. Do you. Do you have any kids?

[Adam Carolla]

I have 14 children.

[Paul Gilmartin]

14.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't speak to any of them.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. It's the way of my life.

[Paul Gilmartin]

What's. What happened? You're worse than John Voight.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm what is called a deadbeat dad, I think they call it. Yes.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Readily admit that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it's unfortunate and.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But you could do something to rectify that, couldn't you?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I. I'm doing my workout in here. Hello. Hello, Choni. Hello, Showa. Hello, Iche. Hello, Mantu. Hello, Beerus. Hello, Beer. And hello, Corty. Hello, Monty. Hello, Jim, Sarah, and Laura. Also named Laura, like you.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

How many was that? There's three more to get the other three on Jimmy Pardo's podcast, I guess. You know Adam, I wanted to know.

[Paul Gilmartin]

He's never not funny.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what they say.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So it's a tough claim to live up to.

[Adam Carolla]

I have something I'd love to talk about.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah?

[Adam Carolla]

I have a new CD that I'm gonna be signing down at the Bodhi Tree. To the Bodhi Tree on. Yeah, there's a new CD coming on. It's a CD and can we put it on right now? There it is. Do you hear it?

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, we're not wearing our headphones.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a CD of inaudible chance.

[Kent Nichols]

Oh, really?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Can you hear it?

[Adam Carolla]

CD of inaudible chance. Here we go, dear.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, I don't hear anything.

[Laura Silverman]

Oh, yeah, there's nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, I see.

[Adam Carolla]

That is the point.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, that's the point.

[Richard Martin]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

The. The title of the album is called Time Warp.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Time Warp, I would call the Sound of Silence.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, get you to sleep at night.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Or during the day or while I was driving. I mean, I don't feel like I'm hearing anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you are. You're hearing it. You're hearing it in here. You've got to release it, Ace man. It's all in there.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You're release.

[Adam Carolla]

7Pm tonight, I'll be signing my copies of Time Warp.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You're releasing a CD that doesn't have anything on it.

[Adam Carolla]

They're an audible chance.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Inaudible chance.

[Adam Carolla]

Inaudible chance. You can't hear the mace, man. Inaudible. So to me.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So it's like saying there's a stadium filled with people doing the wave, except for they don't stand up or lift their arms.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a great analogy. That is wonderful.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But my argument is then they wouldn't be doing the wave, just be sitting. No walls.

[Adam Carolla]

Ace man. You know what I'm saying?

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, no, no.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no walls here.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, I'm building a wall. I don't want you to.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to be close with you.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I know, but I'm saying if. If I. If I showed you a whole football stadium and they're all just sitting there, right? And I said they were silently doing the wave without moving, the guy next to me would say, no, no, they're not. They're just sitting there.

[Adam Carolla]

Football is the one.

[Kent Nichols]

Right?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I've got you first in 10, right?

[Paul Gilmartin]

That's HBO.

[Adam Carolla]

Great show.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So a CD with silence on it would just be a CD with nothing on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they're selling like hotcakes. That's all I really. Yep.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Good.

[Adam Carolla]

Out of the Bodhi tree.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But couldn't I just get a blank cd? Couldn't I just go To Fry's and get a blank cd and it'd be the same.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, could. Couldn't we be listening to Tom Likas right now?

[Paul Gilmartin]

I don't think we could.

[Adam Carolla]

We could, but we wouldn't be having as much fun, would we?

[Paul Gilmartin]

So can we listen to the CB one more time?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we're listening to it right now. I think it's still playing. Morris, Is it still playing?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, see, you don't know. That's the point.

[Adam Carolla]

No, now I don't know. Gosh, now I'm lost.

[Donnie]

Well, now I see.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I know this is going to sound stupid. Well, where did you record this?

[Adam Carolla]

I recorded it at the Bodhi Tree live.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But there's no audio. I don't hear any audience.

[Adam Carolla]

I just heard something. Did. I just heard it there. It's back on now.

[Paul Gilmartin]

There was someone coming through the door. Oh, I thought someone.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my manager.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay. Well, the point is. Oh, well, all right. You can go down the Bodhi Tree and you can buy the. This.

[Adam Carolla]

I brought you something else today.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a recipe. A recipe for deer antler. Tabouli. I know you like food. I know you like to grill.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Deer antler.

[Adam Carolla]

Tabooli, 2 cups deer antler, 3 cups minced onion, 2 cups parsley, 2 tablespoons of oil. And the tears of a crying Indian, preferably one who just saw someone litter.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Can you get that?

[Adam Carolla]

Is dear.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Can you get that at Gelson's? Where do you get the crying Indian tears? I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

My friend Frank, he's Navajo. Half Navajo.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And he'll do that? Yeah, he'll come over and what I do? Just cut an onion or show him roots. Litter.

[Adam Carolla]

Litter.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, I see. Just drive around in one of your cars and throw. I got thrown out of the car.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and throw it out of the car. Frank is.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I saw the commercial as a kid. I was curious. Was the Indian. Did his car just break down or was he just standing by the side of the freeway? Or was he gonna cross the freeway?

[Laura Silverman]

Somebody throw a whole bag of McDonald's out there?

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, I just had to do with a littering. I think it had to do with littering. Oh, you thought it meant he was hungry and he saw some food being wasted.

[Laura Silverman]

He just saw that they had just eaten all this food and.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, no, no. He was. I don't think he was hungry. He was. We're watching the commercial right now. No, he was upset that they littered.

[Adam Carolla]

Technology.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. That. That was his land.

[Laura Silverman]

I knew that, actually.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, you did? Okay.

[Laura Silverman]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

There I Am in my canoe.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, that's not you.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's not me.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, that's. That's the actor played the Indian.

[Adam Carolla]

Thought that was me going into the Port Washington.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Probably a Mexican or Jew who got the gig by way. I know this town works. Yeah, he's very, very upset. Could have been very ethnic. Italian. Yeah. Pulled his boat up.

[Adam Carolla]

We've raped these people.

[Paul Gilmartin]

He's gone.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at him.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I think we raped their land. I'm not sure if we raped them.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we physically raped all the Indians. It's true. Look at the litter. Right?

[Laura Silverman]

People throw stuff at you.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah.

[Laura Silverman]

You know what?

[Paul Gilmartin]

As I was watching the commercial, it was a horrible edit. Somebody threw part of a sports page out of the thing and then half a McDonald's dumpster landed on his moccasins.

[Laura Silverman]

Also, the tears. Gets in his eye way too quickly.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Clearly glycerin.

[Laura Silverman]

It's running down before you would even have time to process the information enough to begin crying, I think.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, that commercial was definitely slapped together before. We had Avid and Final Cut Pro and that kind of stuff. You know, that. That was. That. That was cut by hand and not very well done either, by the way.

[Laura Silverman]

Was he about to cross the highway? What was he doing up there?

[Paul Gilmartin]

The Indian evidently walked up to the side of the freeway. He'd taken his canoe to the edge of the freeway. And then maybe he was going to use a call box. I'm not sure what he was there for. He was sort of asking for it. You know, if I saw that guy standing by the side, you know, the shoulder, I might chuck some fast food at him.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a lot of fast food. Someone had a real party.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Was a massive amount of fast food. A lot.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I want to do my song too.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So don't, don't forget. Yeah, well, let's hear.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, I'd like to hear this.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a tribute to you.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Because I do listen to the show. Like I said this. And Fast and Furious podcast.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Now, this song. This one has a sound.

[Adam Carolla]

This one has sound. This isn't inaudible chanting. Ace Man. This is a real song. Okay, let me see. How does it go? Oh, here it is.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I'd hate to be nails. I'd hate to be nails. When the helmet comes around when the.

[Adam Carolla]

Helmet back in town look how you look low A superhero bounce and juggies up on the man show Making me.

[Donnie]

Laugh on the road radio it's the.

[Adam Carolla]

Ace man the Ace man like your.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Children in the baseman the Ace man Couldn't find a replacement on 97 1. Ace man wasn't having fun so he took the shoulder number one Making Gervais look like Eric Idol Making Bill Burr.

[Adam Carolla]

Look like his signs weren't vital? This bitch, this bitch is my recital.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Didn't work with the douch.

[Donnie]

Didn't work with the douche.

[Adam Carolla]

Ace man, ambonadouche.

[Donnie]

That's like putting Arnold with the good.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Ace man remain courts. Ah, hence the divorce.

[Adam Carolla]

Aceman sits in his barker lounger Sipping on old dudes because it was close by. Aceman wonders about simpler times and if he'd be happier sawing wood all day with guys named hymie like he used to. Unfortunately, no one will ever know. Flowers, muscle cars, men saying what they.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Mean that's the ace man. Flowers, muscle cars, men saying what they mean and that's the ace man. Ace man, I'd hate to be nails Ace man, I'd hate to be nails.

[Richard Martin]

Ace man, I'd hate to be nails Ace man.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I know Ace man, I'd hate to be nails Ace man, I'd hate to.

[Richard Martin]

Be nails ass man.

[Donnie]

Oh, no.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Ace man. Ace man.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't believe Howard likes Jimmy better. Ace man.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Wow.

[Richard Martin]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you very much.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Ace man, everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

I broke my bongo.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I don't punched a hole in this bongo. He busted his bongos hymen singing about the ace. Yeah, I don't. I don't feel like we're gonna do any better than that. I mean, I feel like we could tie that, but I don't know that we could do better than that. So I think that's where we'll end. Adam.com is where you go if you want to see the shot. That was some really heavy stuff, man. That's heavy.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you so much, Ace.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And Laura Silverman gonna start the third season of her sister show, the Sarah Silverman show. That's early 2010.

[Laura Silverman]

Early 2010.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Also. We can go and find you doing what elsewhere?

[Laura Silverman]

I don't know. I did a movie. I don't know when it's gonna come out, though.

[Paul Gilmartin]

House. Love shack.

[Laura Silverman]

Yeah, Love shack is something.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, I saw her on house where she. She. She was a Jewish bride and she died beyond twisted.

[Adam Carolla]

That was a great show you did.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Also. Jesus people. Yeah. Coming out as well.

[Laura Silverman]

Who's in that like that?

[Paul Gilmartin]

A lot of people.

[Laura Silverman]

I don't know Jesus in that. I'm not very good at keeping track of stuff once it's done.

[Paul Gilmartin]

All right, we can go to adams.com and you can find the shaman Please.

[Adam Carolla]

Click on it multiple times.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And Laura. Yeah? We need some cds.

[Laura Silverman]

It's really funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Laura Silverman]

I just saw the last episode, and it's really, really good.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And head down to the Bodhi tree and get a blank cd. Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Time.

[Laura Silverman]

Adam, I just have to say you are looking fantastic as usual.

[Adam Carolla]

Looking good. He does. He looks great.

[Laura Silverman]

Say handsome, son of a bitch.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, God love you. Now gonna. Now. Now I'm gonna blush. All right, so until next time, this is Adam Kola for Laura Silverman and the shaman saying ace mayor mahalo.

[Giovanni]

All right, that was adam curl show 120. Adam just was not feeling the shaman. Mind you, this is a year after the love Guru, the Mike Myers failed film experiment from 2008. Jason Nash might be most best known from being part of a vlog squad. And then previous to that, he was somehow intertwined in the alt comedy scene fairly deeply. This is the only appearance of Jason Nash and the shaman on Adam Carolla show. All right, coming next, we have adam Kurla Show 168, featuring Richard Martin, also from 2009, this time appearing without jazz. This is kind of more of standard. What his appearances would be. This, the jazz one, was a very special episode. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I would say you're wrong for liking the Bengals and the Browns. You would say I'm wrong for liking the Rams. So who's right?

[Richard Martin]

You can't equate Christianity to mediocre football teams. You just named three incredibly mediocre football.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I appreciate you calling my own four Rams mediocre. They would love it if you would go over there and give them that pep talk.

[Richard Martin]

I'm excited that the thought, though, that Rush Limbaugh might buy them. Isn't there talk that Rush might.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Rush might buy the Rams?

[Richard Martin]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Really?

[Richard Martin]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I had no idea you're a fan of Rush Limbaugh.

[Richard Martin]

Oh, he's been the best thing for our party you could ever ask for. He just. He delivers the truth unfiltered.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, I mean, it's easy when you're agreeing with the guy to say he's speaking the truth.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah, yeah, he's just a neat guy.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But Rush, I mean, well, first off, what has he done for the party? I mean, Barack Obama's in office. The House is controlled by Democrats.

[Richard Martin]

You know, it's. We're going through a period of reevaluation and cleansing. You know, just like a body of water cleans itself. It needs a little bit of time.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But see, that's. That's the thing. Like, you were the Head of Ohio Petroleum for a while. But the body that you dump your toxins into, it doesn't clean itself.

[Richard Martin]

It does eventually.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, no, you have to. You need some super fun to clean it up. Yeah, that's the whole thing. It doesn't. No, those. Those. Those heavy metals, those toxins, they don't. They don't purge themselves from the lake you dump them in. You have to clean them. That's. That's what I'm saying.

[Richard Martin]

But sometimes, don't people need minerals?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay, I. Yeah.

[Richard Martin]

I don't want to get into this whole tomato, tomato thing again, Adam, you know, I want this to be civil. I like you. I think you're a neat guy despite the fact that you dress like you're homeless.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I'm comfortable. We're not filming this. I don't mean wear a tie. Well, I have a.

[Richard Martin]

Respect. I come here with respect.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, let's talk politics. I mean, after all, you spend a lot of time in Hollywood for someone who's a representative.

[Richard Martin]

This is the place to spread the message.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay.

[Richard Martin]

I just wonder sometimes, where do you take the chemotherapy? You take it to the cells that need it the most.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You're saying you're the cancer?

[Richard Martin]

You are the cancer.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But I feel like to your constituency from Ohio, they must be asking why you're getting on a plane again.

[Richard Martin]

They love me, Adam.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay.

[Richard Martin]

They love me.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay. So you're working on bills. I mean, obviously politics.

[Richard Martin]

I got a lot of really neat stuff in the pipe. Some stuff. I'm very, very excited. I've got. Let's see. I actually brought you a little list. I've got a bill going to make the bomber jacket tax deductible.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Bomber jacket, the big leather, like Top Gun.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Tax deductible.

[Richard Martin]

In fact, when you walk into my house, the first thing you see is a Top Gun poster signed by Ray Dawn Chong.

[Paul Gilmartin]

She wasn't in that.

[Richard Martin]

I know, but still, it's pretty neat that her signatures on it.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I don't.

[Richard Martin]

I do feel we bought it at a flea market. It was already on there. This is neat.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But. But let me. Let me say this. And again, you know, I'm sure it's in a loose sight case, and I don't want to burst your bubble.

[Richard Martin]

Sure.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But I do know something about Hollywood. You do is you get a poster and then you get the person in that movie to sign the poster. Otherwise it doesn't make sense.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah, well, you know, we don't live in Hollywood, so.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You know, James Joyce wouldn't sign the old man in the sea, sure.

[Richard Martin]

Was he in Top Gun?

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, I'm saying you don't have. If you'd have Ernest Hemingway sign the Old man in the Sea.

[Richard Martin]

Right. That was a book.

[Paul Gilmartin]

It was a book.

[Richard Martin]

Okay.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I don't read a lot of books. I just know you wouldn't have another author sign that book. It would be confusing.

[Richard Martin]

I got you.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Radon Chong wasn't in Top Gun, but.

[Richard Martin]

It'S a great movie.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay, I'm just. You'd have Tom Cruise or Val Kilmer.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Anthony Edwards, somebody like that.

[Richard Martin]

I see Goose.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, it was good.

[Richard Martin]

It's got to be one of the best movies ever.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Wow. It's just kind of a fun 80s movie.

[Richard Martin]

It's terrific. It's terrific. I almost. I almost signed up for the military the first time I saw it.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Why you? Why. But you didn't.

[Richard Martin]

No, I decided that my country needed me in a different way.

[Paul Gilmartin]

What way?

[Richard Martin]

I decided to get into. Yeah. Into petroleum. I thought.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, that just seems like.

[Richard Martin]

Well, I just thought our country needs more plastic.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay, well, so. Bomber jackets.

[Richard Martin]

Bomber jackets. Tax deductible. Another bill to ban nudity and diaper commercials. Enough is enough. Enough is enough.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, they never show frontal nudity. They just show their bare bottoms. Every.

[Richard Martin]

But you picture it. You picture the frontal nudity.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I don't know. I don't think most people. Do you. Wow.

[Richard Martin]

Here's another bill.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay.

[Richard Martin]

I'd like to use the moon for target practice. It's there. Let's get some of our big war heads and really build.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So you're saying. Well, listen, I can agree with you in the sense that it feels weird that.

[Richard Martin]

How neat of a Fourth of July would that be to just see it come apart?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, you couldn't. You don't want to break it apart. But what I'm saying is, you know, it's ironic that, you know, Japan is all uppity because we dropped a couple nukes on their soil, yet we've probably blown up 2000 on our soil. We're always out in the Nevada. We've. We've lit off more nukes in the United States than we've done anywhere else in the world. So we've essentially blown ourselves up quite a few more times than we've blown up other. Other places on the planet, albeit they had buildings and people living in them.

[Richard Martin]

Right.

[Paul Gilmartin]

It's a little different. But I'm with you on the part where we don't just blow up Bikini island or the Nevada desert. Let's shoot something else. On the other hand, maybe the warhead shouldn't be live. You know, maybe we should use it. We should see if we can get there. But we don't want to blow it up once we get there, is what I'm saying.

[Richard Martin]

What about putting prisoners in a spaceship and shooting that out of the sky on 4th of July? Wouldn't that be cool?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, you know, this is. Again, I come from liberal Hollywood, but this is. We're simpatico on this one, my friend. Yeah, most.

[Richard Martin]

I knew eventually you and I would see eye to eye. Here's another, Bill. I think it's time, Adam, that we officially declare America number one. Get it on paper, Everybody knows it, but 50 years from now, people may wonder if they were number one.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, I don't know that we're allowed to make our own declaration, because then if. If we, you know, if we said USA number one, well, then what would stop Germany from saying Germany's number one?

[Richard Martin]

Because we did it first.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, but I don't think you can patent that. You know what I mean? I mean, what are you saying? Get, like a foam finger.

[Richard Martin]

Exactly. Adam, they don't make a foam finger that says we're number two, do they?

[Paul Gilmartin]

No. And if they did, it'd be confused for peace signs.

[Richard Martin]

And who wants that?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, I think that would make a fine foam finger.

[Richard Martin]

Okay, our simpatico is very short.

[Paul Gilmartin]

We broke that one off.

[Richard Martin]

I think it's time that we develop a national cologne. You know, America looks great. I think it ought to smell great.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, we have Old Spice and Aqua Velvet and whatever Puff Daddy is crapping out these days. I feel like we have thousands of colognes.

[Richard Martin]

But wouldn't it be great to unite behind a scent?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Just have one cent.

[Richard Martin]

One cent.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, I'll tell you the problem.

[Richard Martin]

If somebody walks by and you go, it's an American. That's a patriot. That's a patriot. Then you don't have to wave a flag. You can do it with your scent.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, well, we. We kind of have that with ax. I think when you smell ax, smell it.

[Richard Martin]

I'll have to try that one. My oldest boy uses that. And I tell you, the girls, they love that. Oh, my God, they love him. He's also, you know, he's on the football team, and he's a handsome kid. He's a handsome kid.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. I'd like to say, you know, as long as you're talking about getting these diaper commercials off the television, how about a class action lawsuit against the manufacturer of Axe? The commercial? The guy sprays a dusting of that on his underarm, and he walks out and tackled and raped by supermodels. I mean, I don't see that happening.

[Richard Martin]

Do you remember the old high karate ads?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, yeah. Slap on a little high karate, and you really had to throw spinning crescent kicks just to get through the throttle.

[Richard Martin]

Would escape in the helicopter.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, high karate. Yeah. But a national scent.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah, yeah. Just a thought.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And, like, the bottle would be shaped like an eagle or Ronald Reagan's head or something like that. Eagle.

[Richard Martin]

Or a flag or a gun.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, a gun seems weird.

[Richard Martin]

Here's another bill I've got. I am trying to make America's official music smooth jazz.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, now, see, I don't. I like jazz. But what you want, Kenny G, you mean. We mean you want the Wave to be the official radio station of America.

[Richard Martin]

It'd be. It'd be neat. You know, it's a music that when you listen to it, your blood pressure drops down. And, you know, if my kids had their way, the official music would be the Nickelback Band. Yeah, they love the Nickelback Band.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I think they're just called Nickelback. I don't think they're called the Nickelback Band. You know, it's not like the Doobie Brothers. They're just Nickelback. Okay, yeah. This is confusing because there's, like, the who, right? And the Beatles.

[Richard Martin]

Okay.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And. And then there's. Well, wait a minute. Is it the Guess who? Or is it. Yeah, but then I. But there's no the Nickelback. It's just Nickelback.

[Richard Martin]

It's like. All I know is my kids love them. And I gotta tell you, I find that their.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Their.

[Richard Martin]

Their stuff is a little infectious because they just have that great ability to make every song sound the same.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, they're kind of like the Creed.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah.

[Richard Martin]

I'll have to listen to them.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Are they?

[Ninja]

Are they.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You don't need to. As long as you got the Nickelback, you'll. You'll have the Creed.

[Richard Martin]

Adam, don't you think it's time we banned death Row pillows?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, it seems like they're on death row for so long that, you know, they might get spinal problems or something. If you went to death row, you know, for a long weekend before they then went to the gas chamber, I could argue with getting rid of the pillows, but if you're going to be on death row for 12 years, you're going to need a little neck support. And look, a lot of these ideas are novel. I mean, the bomber jacket, writing that off because Radon Chong signed your Top Gun Poster and that kind of stuff. It's the cologne. It's interesting stuff. I mean, artistically, I work outside the box.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah, but that's one of the neat things that I bring to Washington and I think my constituents love me as I, you know, I don't want to.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Tell you your business, but I feel like as a politician, you know, working on colognes and bomber jackets and things like that, that's all great. After infrastructure is taken care of and kids are educated, water is clean and meals are hot and healthy and people have medical insurance and crime is at an all time low.

[Richard Martin]

You know, I'm so tired of hearing about the medical insurance. You know, Jaz and I, we don't know anybody who's struggling to pay their health insurance.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But you live in it. I think you have a double gated community.

[Richard Martin]

Double gated. That's in case they get by the first gate.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Right. So you're in a double gated community.

[Richard Martin]

Right.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So the group that you spend time with is not the group we're talking about.

[Richard Martin]

But you know, we go.

[Paul Gilmartin]

It's not a fair sampling or representation of the people who need the insurance.

[Richard Martin]

We, we go to flea markets, we see people that, that are, I don't know what you want to call them. Common.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Uh huh.

[Richard Martin]

What's.

[Paul Gilmartin]

That's okay.

[Richard Martin]

Run of the mill, Run of the Miller Joe's.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, well, you know, blue collar.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Working folk. Right, right. Yeah.

[Richard Martin]

So I resent you. Well, I'm not saying insinuating that I'm not in touch with the commoner, but.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You going out to pick up a jumbo tin of popcorn at the flea market once, twice a year.

[Richard Martin]

I would never buy popcorn at a flea market. That may be the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay, I don't know what you purchased at the flea market.

[Richard Martin]

Not popcorn.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay.

[Richard Martin]

Why would you buy popcorn at a flea market?

[Paul Gilmartin]

I feel like it's something they might sell there at a discount price.

[Richard Martin]

It's a dirty place. You buy stuff that you go home and wash immediately.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay, well then you buy.

[Richard Martin]

That's going to be with me for a while.

[Paul Gilmartin]

All right, I'm sorry. Let's say you buy a throw rug at the flea market once or twice a year, you show up there, you have your security detail, you pull up in a armor plated limousine.

[Richard Martin]

I am not that wealthy. Adam, you have a distorted view of town. I drive myself to the town car. Town car.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay. All right. And you have some security, I would imagine.

[Richard Martin]

No, I'm a congressman. I'm not A senator.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay. All right. And you rub up against some of the common people, you call them. But that doesn't mean that's who you return to the country club and shoot a round of golf with, you know?

[Richard Martin]

No, thank God.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. I'm saying that's not. You see those people, but you don't spend any considerable amount of time with those people.

[Richard Martin]

You don't consider an hour a lot of time.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No. Well, not once a year. And all I'm saying is while your bills are novel, they're fun, they're interesting. I feel like, like you have to tackle the problems in our society. You start with large and work your way down to six.

[Richard Martin]

I get what you're saying. Then I think you'll like this next one. Okay. A special sports hall of fame for the well spoken blacks. So they're class acts and I think it's time that we, we gave them a pat on the head.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So just, just Gail Sayers will be the only person in this.

[Richard Martin]

No, there are, there are many, many others. Many others.

[Donnie]

Wow.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And when you say well spoken, I mean, first, here's the problem. I think most athletes aren't well spoken. They're athletes, you know?

[Richard Martin]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You know, and you know, they, a lot of them went right out of college, right out of high school, right to the show, and in the case of baseball and sometimes basketball, now, even if they went to college day, you know, somebody sat, went and took their classes for them. So you say well spoke and you're talking about the black athlete here, I would imagine. But most athletes are black, so it's not, it's not fair, you know, you know what I'm saying?

[Richard Martin]

But how do we reward the ones that went the extra mile and said, I'm not going to, I'm not going to talk like the other ones. I'm going to.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So you're saying David Robinson versus Latrell Sprewell.

[Richard Martin]

Exactly. Whoever those two people are.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, there were black athletes. One of them went to the naval.

[Richard Martin]

I could just tell by the name. David Robinson. Latrell Sprewell.

[Paul Gilmartin]

One of them tried to choose coach and the other one went to the naval.

[Richard Martin]

One of them has a nice name and the other one has a name that you get off the back of a cereal box.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, they're just being a little more creative with their names these days.

[Richard Martin]

You know, it's, there's, there's an under when they, when, you know, the Letitia Lashawna there, you know, underneath it is a. I hate white people. That's. That's what's underneath it.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I think you're reading. I think you're reading too much.

[Richard Martin]

They do it. They do it to get back at us. They do it to get back at us. They know. It's unclear, Uncomfortable for us to have to pronounce those names because there are times that we have to pronounce those names.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, sure, when you're, when you're reading, you know, Ladanian Tomlinson, you have to, you have to say it. He's running with the ball.

[Richard Martin]

Exactly.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But you're saying they do it. They did it to get back at us.

[Richard Martin]

They do it to get back at us because they know it makes us uncomfortable. Because those are words we're not used to pronouncing. That's what they want. That's what they want to do.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So this bill is where. Where would you like this? Hall of Fame.

[Richard Martin]

Oh, you know, I hadn't, I hadn't thought that. That, that.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And you, would you like a football a bit? Well, you probably don't need a baseball.

[Richard Martin]

Why not?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, now I'm starting to sound like you. I. I'm just saying, football, basketball, baseball, all under one. One. One roof.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah, I mean, we're talking a half.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And what you just literally the sign would say for the Wells. Spoken black athlete or just athlete?

[Richard Martin]

No, well, spoken black athlete.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Black athlete.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah. Not colored.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, no, I'm just. I wouldn't say colored. I would say. Would you say athlete? Yeah, yeah, but, but you want to say black athlete, right? Oh, okay. I feel like that's. Good luck with that one.

[Richard Martin]

Okay.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I'm saying it's trouble getting that one off the ground. Do you have one more for one.

[Richard Martin]

In my, My final one is to make it a hate crime to harm someone inside a gated community.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, you're double gated, so I'm double.

[Richard Martin]

Gated, so it should be a double hate crime.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But I mean, you're just saying you should have rights that other people shouldn't have.

[Richard Martin]

When somebody punctures the sanctity of the gated community, there is a feeling of vulnerability amongst us that until you've lived in a gated community that's been violated, you will never know what that is like.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But they just come in and rip off your stereo and leave.

[Richard Martin]

But they're ignoring the gate that says, please don't come in here.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But that's hardly a hate crime. It would just be like saying, I'm ignoring.

[Richard Martin]

But they know who. It's obvious they know who they're committing the crime against when they Commit it. So isn't that a hate crime?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, because it's predominantly white.

[Richard Martin]

Not necessarily white, but successful.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So why if I, how many.

[Richard Martin]

If I beat a gay man, I'm, you know, and it's obvious he's gay and that's a hate crime. If you rob me and I'm rich and it's obvious I'm rich, why is that not a hate crime?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, because rich people get robbed because they have something to steal. I think it's more that they're. There's white people in that gated community. You don't have people of color in that gated community that are wearing.

[Richard Martin]

Sometimes, Sometimes we do, you know, you think that we're, you know.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, they're wearing leaf blowers.

[Richard Martin]

No, we, you know, we had an Indian fellow.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You did?

[Richard Martin]

Yeah, yeah. I don't remember his name. We never mixed with him. But he had a big house, he kept it clean.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So showing one Indian and all the years you've lived in a double gated community.

[Richard Martin]

Yeah. Nobody tried to stop him from moving in. You know, you think that we're these rural barbarians. We're not. We're just neat folks that like living clean.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay, all right, so just quickly, just a quick recap of the bills there, just to run them down.

[Richard Martin]

Make the bomber jacket tax deductible, ban nudity and diaper commercial, use the moon for target practice, officially declare America number one. Develop a national cologne, make smooth jazz our official music band, Death Row pillows, special sports hall of fame for the well spoken blacks, and make it a hate crime to harm someone inside a gated community. Now you tell me, am I hard at work there in Washington or am.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I hard at work again with my theory of working big to small? I feel like your pyramid is.

[Richard Martin]

Well, that's why I'm outside the box, Adam. I work so small to big.

[Paul Gilmartin]

All right, well, Representative Republican Richard Martin from the great state of Ohio. Always controversial but always fascinating. Interesting. And you know, we always can engage in a civil debate and that's.

[Richard Martin]

I appreciate that.

[Paul Gilmartin]

That's what I like about you.

[Giovanni]

All right, that was Adam Cole Show 168 with Republican Representative Richard Martin as played by Paul Gil Martin. For our final clip today, we have Adam Carolla Show 184 featuring Ask A Ninja. Now, Ask a Ninja was a web series in the vein of the Ask Zorak segments and the old strong bad emails. It was created by a couple of LA based improv comics. Originally released these back in like 2005 to 2011. They came on the show in 2009, and this is how it went.

[Paul Gilmartin]

We have Kent Nichols and the ninja from Ask a Ninja. We have a book to plug. What else do we got? What else is coming up?

[Kent Nichols]

We can do lots of stuff. Kent is the big geek, and he just keeps optimizing and making money off the ninja. The ninja doesn't actually need any money. I can get anything I want at any time I want it. But Kent likes the Donald Duckets, and so he's always trying to exploit me.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, you're not married to the material world, yes, ninja?

[Kent Nichols]

No, not at all. I was married for a short period of time to physics as a general philosophy, but it didn't work out between us.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So many rules. You, You. What do you need to exist? I mean, I imagine just a bowl of rice and a fish head a day would probably get you by.

[Kent Nichols]

Not even that. I pretty much just feed off the consciousness of the universe. I don't even have time to eat, really.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Really.

[Kent Nichols]

I'm moving too fast. I'm doing too many things.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You know, take this in the spirit in which it's intended, but you seem, you know, like you've been doing a lot of feeding off the conscious of the universe.

[Kent Nichols]

You put on a few when you hang out with geeks all the time when you hang out. I don't know if you've noticed anybody who's ever been to comic con or any geek arena, they're not the lightest people on the planet. They tend to eat unfortunate things.

[Paul Gilmartin]

That's true. Well, I mean, look, you know, days in front, the computer mixed with an endless bucket of bugles is going to cause you to put on just a couple of pounds. Plus, I don't know if you guys have noticed, but geeks are getting laid now.

[Kent Nichols]

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. The partially hydrogenated geek sex trade is pretty, pretty big.

[Paul Gilmartin]

It's insane. I mean, nerds used to get punished. Here's the deal. If you were a nerd, you were punished by jocks and bullies and things like that when you were in high school. Then at a certain point, you'd have a payday, a financial payday, because you took all your studies and all your computer skills and you parlayed them into some sort of gig where you actually got paid. But you were vaginally punished by the ladies. They still didn't take. You know, they would still be going after the bad boys and the bikers and the guys with the tats and the long hair. But women are going after nerds now.

[Kent Nichols]

Yeah. Because the Bad boys and the bikers and those guys, they have a lot of diseases by the time they go through that process. It's a dangerous world we live in. Geeks are clean geeks. You can go to a 25 year old guy and the only thing he's ever done is right himself.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Right. His penis still has that new penis smell.

[Kent Nichols]

Oh yeah, it's fresh. Sometimes there's even a little pine scented cherry poppet or something like that.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I find they smell more like Jergens than pine in my experience. But again, that's just.

[Jason Nash]

Have you smelled many 25 year old men penises?

[Paul Gilmartin]

You know, many is a relative word. I'm sure there are guys out there that have sniffed more cock than I have, but they're not afraid to get in there. I'm afraid to roll my sleeves up. You know, I'm the kind of guy likes wearing a collar but rolling up his sleeves and smelling a little nerdcock on occasion. I'll be honest with you. So how did Ask a Ninja begin? How did this come to fruition?

[Kent Nichols]

All right, I just read. Reached a point when I was just sick of all of the incorrectness that had been going out about ninjas because there's never been any true ninja that's ever spoken out until me.

[Paul Gilmartin]

A lot of misinformation.

[Kent Nichols]

A lot of misinformation. I don't know if you've watched any ninja movies from the 80s or 70s or whatever it is. They all, what they do is they hire homo sapiens to play ninjas in the movies and it's all incorrect. I don't know. You Only Live Twice, the James Bond movie, he kills like 10 ninjas in that thing. Impossible.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Possible. Yeah. They need a publicist.

[Kent Nichols]

British people have difficulty killing themselves.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, it's weird because, you know, I'll say this about ninjas. When they, when they go solo, they're one man killing machines. But when a group of them attack one British guy in a, in a, in a smoking jacket, he beats all 15. That doesn't make sense.

[Jason Nash]

It's called the inverse ninja rule in films where like ninjas, when they attack in groups are ineffective, but when they're one on one. But like that, that's total BS because.

[Kent Nichols]

You know, like, it absolutely is. And so I found myself a couple of geeks and decided to go on the Internet.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Mm. Yeah. So, but after getting your ass kicked as a group of ninjas multiple times, it's at a certain point, wouldn't you say, you know what, hey, Brent. Or whatever, you know, the Ninja. How about you go in solo so we all don't get our asses kicked and you mop up the 15.

[Jason Nash]

That's part of the man's lies about, you know, ninjas. Like they want to keep saying that human beings can defeat ninjas. And like when, like the part of the goal of ask a ninja is to set that straight. Like whereas, you know, ninjas will only attack and grew if they're say attacking a massive dragon or things like that. But one on one, person to person, like, you know, you're never gonna send 10 ninjas in to kill James Bond.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Like that's, that's just waste of ninja manpower.

[Jason Nash]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Kent Nichols]

Complete waste of.

[Jason Nash]

That's just Hollywood.

[Paul Gilmartin]

That's Hollywood. So that would be like me sending eight guys to go on a lunch run.

[Jason Nash]

Right.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I should just send myself.

[Kent Nichols]

I don't know what you eat for lunch.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, I mean, I'm saying just we know sales sandwiches.

[Jason Nash]

Oh yeah, well, but if it's like 12, 8 foot long sandwiches.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, no, no. We're not trying to set some kind of record just being a basic lunch. Right, Exactly.

[Jason Nash]

That's like half an intern. Like, you know, why would you.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I wish half of him could stay behind and work. Right. I have to send a whole guy.

[Kent Nichols]

I wouldn't send several geeks out for lunch myself. And I just hope that I get one of the sandwiches back.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But you don't eat anyway. You feast off the universe, the bounty of the universe.

[Kent Nichols]

Just track into it with my mind.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. So there's a lot of misconceptions about the ninjas. I, you know, I was watching one of those super nerdy shows where they do like ultimate combat, you know, ninja versus a Spartan warrior, you know, and they go like, who would win? And I'll tell you who the real loser is. They always take like a, they'll take like a pig carcass and hang it. That's the real loser by the way, not the ninja.

[Kent Nichols]

That's because you play a pig.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I just saying I don't mind you shooting something and then eating it like Ted Nugent. But if you're just going to use it to see what sword cuts deeper into the flesh, the ninja sword or the Spartan sword. You know what I mean?

[Jason Nash]

After every one of those shows they'll.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Do a test whether like first the ninja would throw throwing star at the Spartan, but the Spartan would block it with a shield. And then he uses his shield. There's a weapon.

[Kent Nichols]

But they use all digital simulation. They don't put an actual ninja in there. And an actual Spartan, which, by the way, how many Spartans do you see around anymore?

[Paul Gilmartin]

It's sparse.

[Kent Nichols]

Yes, exactly. Yeah, sparse Spartans. And I'm not talking about St. Francis High School Spartans.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, right, right.

[Kent Nichols]

Those are not real Spartans.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, no, no, no. That, that guy's nothing more than. Well, he's really just a mask guy. I'll see Spartans out during the summer months, but on, especially on the east coast or in the winter. No, you're wearing a leather skirt and some sandals.

[Kent Nichols]

Look at the USC Trojan. I mean, that guy just basically couldn't make the team.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, essentially couldn't make the team. But again, not a cold weather. Not a cold weather group, you know, Whereas the ninjas, I feel like, are. Look at this. They're awesome. I mean, in the cold weather.

[Kent Nichols]

This is pure flabber corn skin.

[Paul Gilmartin]

The big flabber corner.

[Kent Nichols]

Yeah. The really fat unicorn.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh. Oh, I didn't know there was. Oh, that's what makes our flavor corn.

[Kent Nichols]

As a flavor corn.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. I mean, no one's gonna. No, really, really. Thing that could take you down is maybe a drunken Mexican behind the wheel. Because I feel like the all black, especially at night, you know, crossing the streets, you know, like, don't dress your kid up as a ninja for Halloween, you know, because he's going down.

[Kent Nichols]

Really, it really is a bad idea. There actually have been. I think that's about four times when humans, when regular homo sapiens have been able to kill ninjas. They've all just been accidents.

[Paul Gilmartin]

They've all been drunk in Mexico.

[Kent Nichols]

Two of them have been drunk in Mexico. Border crossing issues.

[Paul Gilmartin]

It's so sad that one of the greatest warriors on the planet, unable to be defeated by any foe, could just be taken out by one guy in an Aerostar set. A couple.

[Kent Nichols]

Well, the problem is that they turn their lights off and they're going over the border and you just can't see them coming.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, yeah. And then the ninjas now hanging out on the border. Patrolling the border.

[Kent Nichols]

Yeah, sometimes. Well, actually I was working with a couple chupacabras who are trying to infiltrate Hollywood.

[Paul Gilmartin]

The goat suckers. Yeah.

[Kent Nichols]

You don't know. Salma Hayek is actually a Chupacabra in disguise now.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Really? With a boob job. She's.

[Kent Nichols]

With a boob job.

[Jason Nash]

She's a boobacabra.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I'd like to get to the bottom of that. Yeah, I'll tell you. I'll tell you. I love. I was just thinking about the word chupacabra, which sounds great, but translated just means goat Sucker. It's a horrible, It's a horrible name. But I'll tell you one thing about the Mexicans, they don't mince words. I like that. You know, I work with my electrician, his name Jose. And he has a son who works with him who's, you know, 18, 19 years old. He's a little bit heavyset. And his son, he calls him. Yeah, we're not mincing words. I wouldn't call him morbidly obese, but he's a heavy set. He's a chunky kid. He's chunky kid. And Jose, the electrician, when he's talking to him, says, hey, Gordo, go to the van and grab some lbs and some EMT tubing and bring it back, whatever. He calls him Gordo. Which again sounds like short for, like if you knew a guy named Gordon or. It sounds nice. But if you just do the Spanish translation, he calls it fat. It's like me just going, hey, fat, like we would call you husky, we call you moose.

[Jason Nash]

And he doesn't even add like gordito or like, you know, he'll do the.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Gordito once in a while, but it's okay. Like, if I worked with my son and he was a big boned kid, I call him Moose, right? I would just go, hey, Fat, go to the truck and get me something.

[Kent Nichols]

Most worrisome is that someday he's going to get hung up and thrown ninja stars. They're going to be proving the case between the Spartans and the ninjas by.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Hanging up that kid. They'll mistake him for that pig.

[Kent Nichols]

They'll mistake him for a pig and he'll hang him up there and it'll be dad's fault and he'll feel really bad then.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Now I'm going to ask some questions about ninjas that really. I feel sad that I don't know the answers to many of them. That's fine.

[Kent Nichols]

That's what I'm here, here for.

[Paul Gilmartin]

There's such a thing as Anglo ninjas. I mean, they're not all Japanese.

[Kent Nichols]

That's a big misconception. Japan has just been a wonderful place for us. They just, they just, they were just very welcoming. And honestly, ninja, that's it that you don't, you don't put anything around it. It's just ninja. And then anything else is considered an insult to us.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, she wouldn't be. You wouldn't call like a Turkish ninja.

[Kent Nichols]

Or Japanese then You're putting something in front of ninja. That's a straight insult. Yeah. So anything that you think could possibly be a ninja? There's probably one of them. There are dog ninjas.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, I see. So the way I feel about America, right. I don't like African American and Hispanic American. Just like American ninjas are pan racial.

[Jason Nash]

Like, you know, anyone human.

[Kent Nichols]

Are you willing. Willing to take that?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Huh?

[Kent Nichols]

Are you willing to say that there's nothing different between you and any other human?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Mmm. Well, no, I. I do feel superior to most. I mean, humans. Just like you. Just like you.

[Kent Nichols]

I don't know how I feel.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But you. You and I have been through the training. We deserve that, you know.

[Kent Nichols]

Exactly. I earned the title of ninja. I started training at 6. Six months into the womb.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I started training second trimester.

[Kent Nichols]

Second trimester.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Started the ninja training.

[Kent Nichols]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

What do you.

[Kent Nichols]

I came out a month early just because I just needed more elbow room.

[Paul Gilmartin]

What did you. What?

[Kent Nichols]

The bo staff wasn't working very well inside the womb.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. I wonder about that thing. That's. I. I don't know if you guys use it as an actual weapon. I see it in the karate dojos, a thing that looks like it's just made out of bamboo and it makes a lot of noise.

[Jason Nash]

Although the fake sword thing.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, the fake sword thing.

[Kent Nichols]

We train. We train with all real swords, all real action, all real fire, real kasurikamas, real chigaris, all of that.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And the nunchucks. Now let me ask you this. I grew up and they were called nunchucks and they were popular in the 70s. Guys had the nunchucks.

[Kent Nichols]

What area did you grow up in? Was that just.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I grew up in North Hollywood, possibly the porn and nunchuck capital of the world. And everyone called them nunchucks. And I believe they're spelled N double o n. And at some point they became nunchucks.

[Jason Nash]

When did they become referred as num Chucks?

[Paul Gilmartin]

When? Now. So, Mr. Ninja Ninja, it's N double O N, right? Is it?

[Kent Nichols]

No, N u n. It's N u n. That's right.

[Paul Gilmartin]

As in unchecked.

[Kent Nichols]

Yeah. And we changed that over. The. The nunchuck did what? Came along. Came along with the advent of the actual nun.

[Paul Gilmartin]

The yo.

[Kent Nichols]

Well, that's how.

[Paul Gilmartin]

That's how they got called him Sister Chuck. Although I. Oh, that's because.

[Kent Nichols]

Because not. I don't know if you know this Catholic church. Not good people.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, really?

[Kent Nichols]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So that's something we use against. So it was always N u n Chuck.

[Kent Nichols]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it came. It came out from defenestration. We used to chuck actual Nuns out of the window.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Wow. So it's a literal.

[Jason Nash]

Yeah. And they started doing chains.

[Kent Nichols]

Chain them together, two of them together with their head. And then you could swing around two nuns, and that's why they're black on either end.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And it's almost like how Mark Twain got his name.

[Kent Nichols]

Yes, Mark Twain and all as well.

[Jason Nash]

Yes, Very similar.

[Paul Gilmartin]

All right, I swear to God, go on that computer and find me a noon check, because I swear there's a. There's a nunchuck spelling of that, or at least a pronunciation. What? Would you at least validate that the.

[Kent Nichols]

Internet is known for truth.

[Paul Gilmartin]

The Internet. I grew up calling them nunchucks, and they became nunchucks, but I grew up saying con film festival and then became the Cannes Festival.

[Jason Nash]

Nunchucks are actually kind of a subset. I think it's just. Just for. It's just for high noon showdowns. Like, you know, just stuff in the.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Middle of the day.

[Kent Nichols]

Did the nunchuck and the porn industry have any direct connection back in the day? Was that the test to see if you got to see if you got.

[Paul Gilmartin]

In double ended nunchuck?

[Kent Nichols]

Yeah, Just to see, like, you got to be as big as a nunchuck to get in.

[Paul Gilmartin]

That's a good point. Yeah. Well, they come in all different sizes, so I would probably pick one of the smaller ones. And they always come in black as well, so I'd probably pick a lighter shade. So your weapons of choice as a ninja are the nunchuck, the throwing star.

[Kent Nichols]

Like the throwing star is a good one.

[Paul Gilmartin]

The sword. What I learned about watching this, who would defeat who warrior channel on the History Channel was ground up glass that you used to blind your opponent. I didn't know about that one.

[Kent Nichols]

A good handful of glass will do well, even.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, no. It was fed into a eggshell. Aha. This is what they would do. No, it's very, very diabolical. They would take glass, grind it up until it was just a fine powder, then they would take an eggshell and carefully drain it of its contents. You know, drain the yolk and whatever. And then they would fill it. They'd fill the broken glass into the eggshell.

[Jason Nash]

Confetti eggs.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yes. And throw it at the foe. It would pop and blind them. And by the way, the more they rub their eyes, the more they scratch their corneas. And then they'd come in for the kill.

[Kent Nichols]

Oh, yeah. It's a lot easier to kill something that's blind.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah.

[Kent Nichols]

Just in general, it's.

[Paul Gilmartin]

It doesn't seem very Marquis of Queensberry, though, you know, I don't you guys have a code?

[Kent Nichols]

Yeah, the code is to be as. As possible. If you're stupid enough to fall for the egg trick, then that's your. That's your own fault. See, you gotta understand, there are. There are homo sapiens and killer sapiens. The killer sapiens are people that have chosen to live more awesome. And ninjas are at the top of killer sapiens. Below us are Amazons and Vikings. And way down here is pirates, ogres, Canadians.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Canadians are ogre now.

[Kent Nichols]

What's that?

[Paul Gilmartin]

I didn't know Canadians slipped under ogre. Last time I checked the depth chart, the Canadians were above ogre.

[Jason Nash]

Yeah, I mean, they're nice. The Canadians are nice.

[Paul Gilmartin]

They try.

[Kent Nichols]

They try really, really hard. But yeah, they're not too hot.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So, Kent, you being the non ninja.

[Jason Nash]

Right, Right. Yes.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I'm the geek of the group. What is really, what are your duties here?

[Jason Nash]

I'm just always glad to just not be dead. Like, you know, interacting with the ninja. He's a very deadly person. And then, you know, like I tweet a lot. A lot of tweeting, a lot of masturbating, a lot of Facebook. You know, just this is the normal.

[Paul Gilmartin]

This stuff the ninja doesn't want to dirty his hands with.

[Jason Nash]

Sure, Absolutely. He does not want to touch my penis.

[Kent Nichols]

He just keeps. He just keeps the camera running all the time when I show up. He does all of it. It runs the [e-mail]. i made him write the book.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, really? Yeah, the ninja hand.

[Kent Nichols]

I didn't want to write it out. There's big complicated scrolls involved and everything. I didn't want to do that.

[Paul Gilmartin]

It says this book looks forward to killing you soon.

[Jason Nash]

Yeah, it's a. It's a full ninja manual. Like the boy scout manual guides you from taking from complete Nanja all the way to Etan, which is a level so high that even ninjas will confuse you with being an actual ninja.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah.

[Kent Nichols]

Features of lots of valuable punches and kicks. The Judith. Yeah. The Judith Lights out kick. Very, very powerful kick.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, the lights out kick. Yeah.

[Jason Nash]

Judith lights.

[Kent Nichols]

The Judith Lights out kick.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Judith lights out, yeah. Oh, Judith light from the who's the boss?

[Jason Nash]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Wow.

[Kent Nichols]

The kick involves tricking somebody.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Wait a minute. Who else gets that reference but me?

[Jason Nash]

Look, we run an experience especially for you.

[Kent Nichols]

Quote from Joan Van Ar in this book.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Wow. Temperatures rising, very current.

[Kent Nichols]

Very topical. It's very, very topical.

[Paul Gilmartin]

That's what I try to do. I try to stay on top of where the plug was pulled 30 years ago right up Judith Light kick.

[Kent Nichols]

Wow.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Wow.

[Kent Nichols]

That's right.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. Boy, who was the boss?

[Kent Nichols]

Killed a lion to get her hair luck.

[Paul Gilmartin]

True. A lot of sexual tension between her and Danza back in the day, huh? Yeah, Well, I think there was a.

[Kent Nichols]

Little bit of a love triangle, because then you had Milano coming up.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah.

[Kent Nichols]

And then maybe even a. Maybe even a square if you include the. The old redhead. The old redheaded.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I think the. Oh, oh, the mom.

[Jason Nash]

Yeah, the kid. He's kind of grown up.

[Paul Gilmartin]

She was a frisky, amorous moment.

[Jason Nash]

Was kind of like combination of Betty White and the hot sexy one on.

[Kent Nichols]

The era when all redheads were sluts. Yeah, that was when it was like.

[Paul Gilmartin]

My mom was a redhead back then.

[Kent Nichols]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Look into that.

[Kent Nichols]

You should find your other brothers and sisters that are scattered.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yes. Believe me, I know. I make 10 times as much as they do. So here's the whole thing about looking up relatives only look up. Yeah. Look up the ones that make more than you. Right. And since I know that's none in my family, I don't have to look anyone up.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You look up someone, you know who's on the dole and you're on basic cable, they're going to be hitting you up for a loan. And when I say loan, I mean a payment. Moving to a room in your house, essentially. And I know stealing your wife. Now, do you sleep standing up or on a futon? How do they.

[Kent Nichols]

I usually sleep spinning in a cloud, usually while I'm doing travel. Really? Sleep while I travel.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You sleep while you travel? Yeah.

[Kent Nichols]

That's the only way to do it. I got to be going somewhere. I got to keep moving. Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And you travel in a cloud.

[Kent Nichols]

Yeah, yeah, the clouds are great. Great travel. I mean, it's good wind and they don't charge it for luggage. And if you lose anything, it's your own fault. They're always on time. They're always moving.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, I gotta tell you, me and. Me and Donnie flew out. You know, we don't travel by cloud. We did Southwest out to Vegas last weekend.

[Kent Nichols]

They try.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, they try. But here's one thing that pissed me off. The only thing that's good about Southwest is they still serve peanuts. Every other airline serves Fiesta mix and mini pretzels.

[Jason Nash]

And peanuts are dangerous now.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I know.

[Kent Nichols]

But here's the bad thing about Southwest is they try and do comedy routines when they get on there. When they get on the. Everybody.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah.

[Kent Nichols]

Here's a new song I've been working on.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, I know, they never stop cracking themselves up. They go, welcome our flight from Burbank to Lost Wages. And it's like, baby, I'm gonna beat you with this tray. I know, but the makes you want.

[Kent Nichols]

To become a terrorist.

[Paul Gilmartin]

They fucked us up. They fucked us up royally because the only good is the peanuts, right? And we flew, you know, Burbank to Vegas.

[Kent Nichols]

We had the stripper flake.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And no, sadly, we weren't. We're on the nerd flight out there for the. For. For the blog world convention. And you guys are way. You guys have outgrown that. But we flew out there and they did a thing where I was like, I just sat there like, where's my peanuts? Where's my peanuts? Where's my peanuts? And they made an announcement. They gave peanuts to three quarters of the people in the plane, but made the announcement, since we're getting ready to land and the flight was so short, we'll not have time to hand out peanuts. The rescue. And by the way, she's walking past me with the basket while she's making that with a big bag of. Just take the fucking things and start throwing them, you know, 20 at a time toward the back of the goddamn little planes.

[Kent Nichols]

How hard?

[Jason Nash]

Vegas. The shortest one where they actually turned. Taking the drink order. Before you take off, they.

[Paul Gilmartin]

They take the drink order, but depending on where you're sitting and depending on when the pilot takes the, you know, fasten the seatbelt placard off, they will hand you a Bud Light. You'll crack it, take one draw off it, and then the guy will go, I need that can back. We're getting ready to land. And so you've never felt like. The only time I felt like more.

[Kent Nichols]

You and just, Just.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, you literally shotgun it with a ballpoint pen like kak. The only time I felt like more of an alcoholic than when he handed. It just. Just happened. They hand you the beer, they want it back 10 seconds later, and you're like, literally people yelling, chug, Chug. Chug. And you're like, you're doing that. But I went and saw play. And I know that the ninja probably doesn't. Probably not a big fan.

[Kent Nichols]

Not a big fan of theater. It's a little slow for me.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I. I went and saw a play at the Pantages or whatever it is, and they do the 10 minute inner. They do the 10 minute intermission.

[Kent Nichols]

And when you try and drink a scotch and smoke a cigarette, it's fast. Bag of chips and a brownie and.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Like, Bang a hooker and change the transmission fluid on. On the truck. Like, try to do everything at 10 minutes. So here's how they do it, because they're assholes. Every single person that goes and sees a play, they're all wine drinkers. Like, they all just want a scotch or bottle of a glass of chardonnay. They all just do. So there's one fucking bar with one old union bartender and a line of 111 people in it. And the guy's moving like tar on a cold day, you know, so he's sitting there and he's barely moving. And by the time I get to the front of the line, right, I'm ordering for me and my wife, you know, who's going to the bathroom. So give me two glasses of wine. So you get, you know, 22 bucks later, you get your two glasses of wine. Now I'm holding the two glasses of wine, and the lights are flicking on and off. Ladies and gentlemen, the show is going to start in a minute. So you start walking. I've lost my wife. She's walked into the theater.

[Jason Nash]

You're not.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So now I'm holding my two glasses of wine and I'm starting to walk into the theater. And the usher says, no, no, no, no. So now I'm standing in front of the door, like, trying. Drinking them two at a time, like, smoking two cigarettes simultaneously. There's no way I'm throwing away $11 worth of booze. I stood in that goddamn line for 20 minutes.

[Kent Nichols]

$11 at the finest wine you've ever.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Tasted, finest boxed wine but box has ever come in. And I'm literally just. Just chugging. Just having people walk past me like, ooh, Corolla's really hit the skids. And I'm just. He. Boy, does he hate Wicked. He is trying to drown, and he's trying to numb himself to the second half of Wicked. And I'm so one. One glass is in the hand and I'm chugging the other one. It's dripping down my cheek. And then it's like, throw it in the trash. And then right, right to the other one.

[Kent Nichols]

$10 to your ticket price and have the wine waiting out there for everybody.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I concur. Or how about this? How about you get a second fucking guy to work the goddamn bar?

[Jason Nash]

Look, Los Angeles doesn't drink a lot.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So. Yeah, speaking of goddamn Southwest, in Vegas, we were flying home from Vegas that. That same day, and we were going through McCarran and we're going through Seagate.

[Jason Nash]

And my mom has to Always gamble there. And it's like. You're like. Do you understand the odds at the airport are horrifying? She's like, well, I just had to do a couple pulls. It's like, look, just relax.

[Paul Gilmartin]

It means you have a problem.

[Jason Nash]

Yeah, exactly.

[Paul Gilmartin]

They're standing in the sea game.

[Kent Nichols]

Not on much of an inheritance. Right there.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. Whatever you had all went up in the form of nickels at McCarran. What do you mean?

[Kent Nichols]

I inherited a giant thermometer.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But the way should you have. Gambling at a place where it's illegal to carry more than 3 ounces of shampoo on a plane where you have to take your shoes off? You know, where they're frisking old ladies? Should there just be the one armed bandits right next to the place where they're frisking Sandy Dunkin? Like, it just. It feels strange to me. It feels like this is an official place of safety in business.

[Kent Nichols]

It seems logical to me. If you're stupid enough to go through those hoops and ladders, then you're probably stupid enough to also throw your money into a machine and waste it. Well, your name just seems like a nice little line of idiocy. Are you dumb enough to take your shoes off? All right.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, you must do, like, a cartwheel or something through there or. They don't even know when you pass.

[Kent Nichols]

Oh, yeah. When I'm actually on a plane, I'm circumventing that entire situation. I'm usually in the little wheel well or the cargo hold or something like that.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, you don't have to go through security.

[Kent Nichols]

I'm in a big lady's hair.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, really? Yeah.

[Kent Nichols]

I miss. I miss the 50s and 60s a lot bigger hair.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Crazy beehives.

[Kent Nichols]

Yeah. Used to fly into Islip a lot in the 80s because it was good to hide in the big hair. Long Island.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know when. When we got away from the large hair. I miss it. I miss it. I. Listen, I miss all those. I miss all those looks. I. I don't know, because it was.

[Kent Nichols]

It was. It was like this little walking picture frame. So you really got an idea? You could really compare them against the Mona Lisa. Whatever it is. It was just like, all right, yeah, that's your. That's your face.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Plus. Plus, it gave. Well, first off, that, you know, that Don King look was always interesting, right? And then Mars, sort of Marge Simpson picked it up. But, yeah, you know what I liked about it? They burned a lot of calories on it. I don't like the new sort of lesbian buzz cut, hey, fuck you look. I like the. I burned some calories on this hair. It may look like shit, but I tried to gussy myself up for you.

[Kent Nichols]

It's women trying to pull the guy thing. Like the early 90s. That was premium time for guys. All you had to do was tie a flannel shirt around your waist and you were golden. You were getting laid right and left.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, now is it Ninjas are interested in that?

[Kent Nichols]

Oh yeah. Ninjas love the ladies.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh really? Oh yeah. And I'm guessing the ladies love the ninjas.

[Kent Nichols]

Absolutely.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, I mean, I could see that. I mean, first off, you know, you guys.

[Kent Nichols]

Yeah, and we have some premium. We have some premium female ninjas as well.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh really?

[Kent Nichols]

Oh yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But once you go black, you never go back.

[Kent Nichols]

Absolutely alive.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. So I can see the ladies wanting. And by the way, they love, love a riddle, you know, they love a mystery. Oh yeah.

[Jason Nash]

And they want to fix you.

[Paul Gilmartin]

They want to fix you all that sort of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kent Nichols]

But I'm very, very short term relationships though.

[Jason Nash]

But like he said in the. Like we did an episode on ninja love and he said loving a ninja is like loving a trucker. They both love, you know, they're both on the road all the time and they both love monkeys. So you know.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, like BJ and the bear.

[Jason Nash]

Absolutely.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. So you're like ninjas are essentially rambling men. Oh yeah.

[Kent Nichols]

We got, we gotta keep moving. We can't stay in one place. But, but feminin are like that as well.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I didn't know they were feminine. Oh yeah.

[Kent Nichols]

Jenna Jamisord.

[Jason Nash]

Oh, they're as deadly as regular ninjas. But they have one extra place to hide a sword.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I never thought about that. And then imagine catching them during their, you know, premenstrual dysmorphic disorder or whatever. I mean, they want to talk about.

[Kent Nichols]

But I want to catch him on the bad day.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. And by the way, two of those tampons tied together, you got yourself some nunchucks. And by the way, you ain't getting near those nunchucks. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's true. Woman's a weapon. I never thought about.

[Jason Nash]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And you know, yeah, like ninja grade emotions are so much more intense than human emotions that like ninja PMS is just, is a, is a fury.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Now can you date outside of your ninja culture?

[Kent Nichols]

Absolutely.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, so it's no big deal.

[Kent Nichols]

I dig on the Amazons.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Uh huh. Not like the Archers.

[Kent Nichols]

Not the Archers because they cut off one of their breaths.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Really? Oh, yeah. Huh.

[Kent Nichols]

That kind of throws me for a weird one.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. Oh. I didn't know how they tolerate over the lady Amazon's. Cut off one of their.

[Kent Nichols]

Cut off one so that it's easier to do the pullback and then put a. Usually put a big patch of tar there. And I'm like, you know, there's been advancements.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Wow. Wow. That sounds.

[Kent Nichols]

They like to kick it old school like that.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Wow.

[Kent Nichols]

But the. But the Linda Carter style Amazon. Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Hello. Get that last se of truth around me.

[Kent Nichols]

Absolutely.

[Jason Nash]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah.

[Kent Nichols]

Absolutely.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. Oh, boy. I gotta tell you, as a. As a.

[Kent Nichols]

As a laugh, Deborah Winger was her sister.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I said, yeah.

[Kent Nichols]

On the old episodes.

[Paul Gilmartin]

That was awesome.

[Jason Nash]

That was pretty crazy.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Deborah Winger, the Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman. When she would get rough with the guys. When she would. There was this great.

[Kent Nichols]

Rough with yourself.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah. There was this great thing because her outfit was awesome. You know what I mean? I was so Pavlovian. My boner was very Pavlovian. When she would start twisting around to get into her Wonder Woman outfit, it was like for my penis. It was like a dog hearing a can opener. I was like, oh, here we go. It's on.

[Kent Nichols]

You know, penis in a can opener.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No, that's. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Kent Nichols]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oh, I. Now I'm not used to making metaphor. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Wow. Yeah. As she was spinning around and there would always be a great point where she would grab a Nazi or something or some guy. And she'd be like, you better start talking. And she'd grab. And her boobs would just be kind of moving from side to side. And there's nothing like a busty chicken. A bustier getting rough with a Nazi. Oh, you know what I mean? No. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

No.

[Jason Nash]

I think it spoiled our childhoods.

[Kent Nichols]

I think the war would have been a lot shorter.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah.

[Kent Nichols]

If we had just recruited all women and just put them in Wonder Woman.

[Jason Nash]

Like last year, Linda Carter was like, canoeing and she found a dead body.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No. Yeah.

[Jason Nash]

Like the real Wonder Woman. She was like. She was out. She still looks really freaking hot. Really out canoeing. And she finds a dead body.

[Paul Gilmartin]

It was.

[Kent Nichols]

Natalie Wood.

[Jason Nash]

She mouth raped. After that.

[Paul Gilmartin]

She found a dead body canoeing. Yeah, I know. That makes sense. I mean, they do feel like one out every eight times you go out canoeing. You should probably find. But don't you have to be a kid to find a dead body?

[Jason Nash]

Yeah.

[Paul Gilmartin]

No.

[Jason Nash]

Then you tell your friends and then.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You Scoop out the river's edge.

[Jason Nash]

Absolutely.

[Kent Nichols]

Standing by me.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Stand by me. Right, right. So I didn't know she found a dead body. Yeah, and she claims she found a dead body. Did they find lasso marks? I don't know.

[Jason Nash]

They did.

[Paul Gilmartin]

They did.

[Jason Nash]

They tried to like put the lasso of truth on her to get her to.

[Kent Nichols]

She's got some rage issues to deal with because she's not going to be in the new Wonder Woman movie.

[Paul Gilmartin]

That must have been a rough acting gig. Like, you know, first off, I'll bet you a lot of those people from the 70s, like from, from back, from back in the day, network stars. Yeah, but no, just, just dig, Dig this.

[Kent Nichols]

Aaron Gray, Battlestar Galactica or something like that.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Dig this vibe. Donny, shut up. Dig this vibe for one second.

[Kent Nichols]

You're kill Don.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I want you to teach him a lesson. But I don't feel like I want you to kill him. All right, let me. You know what? Let me sleep on that. Sleep on that. I know you, but let's just dig this for a second. Dig this. All right, so Wonder woman, you know, 1976, 1977, whenever now, a lot of guys, a lot of that crowd, like from Love Boat and Wonder Woman and Fantasy island, these guys were the stars of the silver screen and the Broadway and all that in the 40s and the 50s. You know, we don't know them as that. All we know them is, hey, it's Agnes Moorhead, it's Endora from Bewitched. But we don't know where's the great screen thespian from the 30s or the 40s or whatever. A lot of these people, like Irene.

[Jason Nash]

Ryan, like a huge star, Broadway, but then she's Ma from Beverly Hillbillies.

[Kent Nichols]

Old song and dance man himself.

[Paul Gilmartin]

And they would, you know, and it was kind of sad in its own weird way. Like you'd watch the Love Boat and they'd have red buttons on there or something of these guys that were vaudevillian stars and Broadway stars. And now they're sort of reduced to getting paid.

[Kent Nichols]

They're acquainted with the, with the Harlem Globetrotter, right? When the Harlem Globetrotter showed up on.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Gilligan's Island's island, right? So dig this. You were some massive star in the 40s on Broadway, toast of the town, banging every starlet around and everything. And now you're some 65 year old dude and your agent gets you a guest shot on Wonder Woman. And it's like you've never even heard of the show. And there's Lynda Carter comes up and she's basically the director's coked out of his mind and he's like, look, when she, you tell her you won't talk. You tell her you're not getting any information out of me. And then when she takes this clothesline that we painted gold and puts it around, you give like a 10,000 yard stare, be a little bit zombie, ask and start talking. That's your direction. And had to make these guys that did Cat on a Hot Tin Roof on Broadway just never want to stop vomiting. Absolutely.

[Jason Nash]

And like, I'm sure they did like in one take and they're like, yeah, perfect, great, let's go.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, it's not like you're, it's not like you're going up against the Sopranos or Mad Men back then. It was just like, who you going up against? BJ and the Bear on the. I mean, imagine that in this day and age and you know, I know ninja, you have nothing to do with Hollywood, but can you. I did.

[Kent Nichols]

I have a lot to do with Hollywood. Oh, well, I like moving Jake. You want to know something about Hollywood would ask me.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I'm just saying imagine, you know, in, in this, in this day and age when you, you turn on the TV and you have to go against all HBO has to offer and all Showtime has to offer and all whatever's on, whatever, Mad Men, TNT or whatever. I mean, all this, you know, all the, and then, then all the shows that are supposed, supposed to be good that I haven't even seen yet, like Breaking Bad and stuff like that. I always say, oh yeah, all the Weeds and all these shows now. So you're going up at 8 o'clock on Tuesday night. You're against everyone and a lot of it's really good. Now imagine back in the 70s, your competition is literally BJ and the bear and Fantasy island or the ghost and Mrs. Muir, like that's it. And then, and then some. And then a rerun of a Doris Day movie on channel 13. Like, I mean, how awesome would that be? I mean, no wonder everyone kicked ass.

[Kent Nichols]

It was a sweet time. And that's why shows, all the shows ran for like seven years because it was just like, okay, do you want to watch two guys in a, in a completely racist car driving around the south or do you want to watch.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Imagine if you're competition. Your competition is the Dukes of Hazard. That's all you have to beat is the Dukes of Hazard.

[Kent Nichols]

And that show went forever.

[Jason Nash]

I know you know that world before cable Was just like crazy the world that, like when I was a little kid and you're just like, well, there's only three choices. Like, and like. And like, it was a big deal when we got HBO and then we got our first VCR and we recorded everything. Like we were gonna somehow like sit down and rewatch the entire catalog of HBO again.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I'm just like, well, you know, I ran into my first person, by the way, who canceled and who. I've always said this. I've always said, why is Showtime wasting billions of dollars on the Tudors? On Tudors? Because it's a sweeping epic. It must cost millions to do that show. And who do you mascara alone for just an eye? Johnny Reese Meyers? Justin Guyliner. Yeah. And who do you know who says, you know what, I'm gonna cancel Showtime because they've not done a sweeping period epic? I just figured like, look, just rerun, just show Caddyshack three times a month and I'm cool, you know, like. But I met my first person yesterday who was a 30 something year old white chick. Well, to do, like, had a good job in the publishing industry. And she said. I said she wanted to see my movie the Hammer. And I said, well, it's running on hbo. And she said, well, I don't have hbo. And I said, why don't you have hbo? And she said, well, I got it because I wanted to watch Entourage. And then like two seasons ago, they had kind of a bad season and it was a real sitcom, so I canceled it and I haven't got it back yet. I thought, wow, you really, you're living and dying with Entourage.

[Kent Nichols]

Discerning taste. And that's what the interweb is all about.

[Paul Gilmartin]

It's $9 a month, bitch. Come on.

[Kent Nichols]

That's what the business of Hollywood has to realize.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But, you know.

[Jason Nash]

Yeah, no, it's a really weird time right now. And like hbo, that's why HBO is very anti. Like, you know, it's keeping its subscription model intact. Like, they're not really embracing the web as much as these other places are.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, yeah, let's talk about embracing the web and what you guys are doing on Web. Why isn't HBO or. I didn't know they weren't embracing the web. But how do does one embrace the web?

[Jason Nash]

Well, but like, I mean, like, it's one thing when you've got like two guys on a ninja, like operating out of a couple of apartments and we don't really have a ton of overhead, you know, we can make a Business somewhat, you know, off of advertising and merchandising and like, make that sustainable for a couple of people. Whereas HBO is like part of Time Warner and like, you know, and is like, they need massive amounts of things to move the needle. And so like their business, you know, like they've decided that, you know, just having old movies that people have seen is not good enough. So that.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Right.

[Jason Nash]

Like they're doing these bigger shows that, you know, become events and so model on exclusivity.

[Kent Nichols]

They don't have any advertising. And the only thing that's making money on the web right now is there is pulling advertisers over. So I don't think you get any premium subscription.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Does see a sad.

[Kent Nichols]

A lot.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, it says here in December 07 television week magazine reported that you guys were making $100,000 a month on ad revenue and merchandising.

[Jason Nash]

Oh, good old 2007.

[Kent Nichols]

And them was $2007 when money actually meant something.

[Jason Nash]

Yeah, no, like, we did very well with some of our ad deals like this last year. We've kind of pulled back from. The ninja has been busy killing people, so we haven't been publishing as much.

[Paul Gilmartin]

But was it a better climate two years ago than it is now?

[Jason Nash]

Slightly, because, like, no one knew, like, it was also like TV in the 70s really.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Right. And you didn't. You didn't.

[Kent Nichols]

There was only 6 billion things on the web instead of 20 billion.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Right, right. I think somebody's phone's going out.

[Jason Nash]

What's going on? As a matter.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Magical.

[Jason Nash]

Magical numbers. But like, you know, like, I still think it's a. I think it's still a good climate, but it's also, I mean, like, obviously the collapse this last year has been devastating and. But, but like, you know, we've been seeing recently over the last couple months, like, people are starting to go, okay, this is the new reality now. And like, start to build businesses and start to figure things out in ways that, like, when the initial shock happened, it was just like.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, in a way, I mean, you can make an argument that the financial woes this country is going through is not good for advertising on the web or anything else.

[Kent Nichols]

It's tearing it down.

[Paul Gilmartin]

You got to tear it down. I was going to say. And I never want to accuse the ninja of cutting me off or he'll cut me off, literally. But people, people have to spend their advertising dollars more wisely and be more accurate. Like the ninja is with his throwing star. It's not enough, lady.

[Kent Nichols]

That lady has discerning taste. You have to advertise. Exactly. To her, else she's not buying it.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I know, it was sad.

[Kent Nichols]

She's not even giving you. She won't give you nothing.

[Jason Nash]

And yeah, like, and so, and it is like about calling, cultivating, you know, your super fans, the people that. And giving them what they want and trading like, like the stuff that Trent Rogers done. Cory Doctor. Just yesterday, one of the authors of Boing Boing.net just announced his new book collection. And like, he's. It's available from prices ranging from zero to $10,000.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Really?

[Jason Nash]

And zero is just giving it away. And $10,000 is. He's going to write one story that will be commissioned by one person that will be included in the collection as it goes on. And so, so like, and there have been several successful experiments like that that, you know, ranging from Trenton Reznor, where he created. He gave away four albums for free, but then also had various levels of premium and super premium and you know, and the middle super premium level, I believe, sold out in three days and grossed three quarters of $1 million.

[Paul Gilmartin]

It's a, it's a new time we're living in and people are going to have to be innovative and sort of.

[Kent Nichols]

I think more than, more than saying like, I need to be innovative. You need to be. You don't try and be like, because that's the only thing you have any value in is being 100% you. Because your opinion, your point of view is the only thing that's worth anything. Because everything else, like all the cost of production, all the cost of doing everything is like, is way down there, way low.

[Paul Gilmartin]

So hold on one second, Donnie. Cancel the Ask a Shogun thing where we're going to do at the 2 o'clock hour because yeah, you're right.

[Kent Nichols]

Especially if it was Richard Chamberlain. Were you going to have Richard Chamberlain in here?

[Jason Nash]

You right here, like, you know, just this, like, you could sell the experience of like Josh Fries, who's a drummer and wrestling Reznor thing as kind of a tongue in cheek reaction to the Reznor thing. Like he sold like for. At some product level. He would take you out to lunch at whatever, whatever the fuck, the Chinese place.

[Kent Nichols]

But if you bought, if you bought the $20,000 version, a $10,000 version, he'd play in your band for a month.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah, I think we had, I think we had Josh on the show as a matter of fact. He drum drummer.

[Jason Nash]

Yeah, yeah. And yeah, like big session.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yeah.

[Jason Nash]

And like, you know, you go shrooming with you down in Mexico and like, you know, all of these, like, massive, crazy, stupid level.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I love the innovation, you know, and.

[Jason Nash]

So, like, so you could literally charge a package. Like, put together a package of. You will take off my exhaust manifold off of my Lamborghini. Like, you know, like you're doing it anyway.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Exactly.

[Kent Nichols]

But it's off of your personality, of things that you interested in and the people, you know.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Well, I love. Like I said, I just. I love the fact that there are no rules anymore and everyone has to make them up. And there's no sort of. We're eliminating the man from this equation.

[Kent Nichols]

Not necessarily HBO specifically, but a lot of the big Hollywood things are still pretending that there's rules.

[Paul Gilmartin]

I know.

[Kent Nichols]

And they're clinging to these old business models as the wheel is slowly turning to crush them.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Yes. Well, from your ninja mouth to God's ears. If that's in fact what you believe in, you're an indie guy. Let's. Let's give a plug before we say goodbye. Dave the Ninja December 5th.

[Kent Nichols]

Yes, absolutely. Day of the Ninja is a good day to go out and get yourself a ninja handbook.

[Jason Nash]

Right.

[Kent Nichols]

Download the ninja app. We got a ninja game that we have on the iTunes store. We also have a deck of cards coming out because beginning of next year, Right.

[Jason Nash]

And then next week on the Internet, I believe it's like easy to assemble the. The Ileana Douglas show. Easy to assemble. Like, Kent and Douglas will be appearing and then so. So will the ninja.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Okay, so we can look forward to that. Kent ninja.

[Kent Nichols]

Yep.

[Paul Gilmartin]

This has been enlightening.

[Kent Nichols]

Thanks. I look forward to killing at least Donnie soon.

[Paul Gilmartin]

O. All right.

[Giovanni]

That was Adam Kurilla show. And ask a ninja a thing that many people listening probably don't even remember. Now, characters appearing on the show would go on from here. The most notable as of late have of course been appearances of Wheeler Walker Jr. A character created by Ben Hoffman, who appeared on the Adam Kurilla show as Ben and then came on solely as Wheeler Walker Jr. Since those episodes have all been played on Kurula classics, they're all masterpieces. He's such a professional and he's so entwined with that character he created that it's really unclear where one stops and the era begins. And there's never any hiccups when it comes to being on air with Adam, with Wheeler Walker. So as we played all those before, we can play them again. If you want to access the past episodes, of course you can access them via Adam Kroll's substack ad free. That does it for today's Corolla classics. If you like these clips of Adam interviewing people in character and you want to hear more, I'll scrape the barrel and see what else I can find. Until next time, mahalo. And get it on.