Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci + Greg Fitzsimmons (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show (Carolla Classics)

Episode: Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci + Greg Fitzsimmons
Date: September 14, 2025
Host: Doug Benson (guest hosting for Adam Carolla)
Guests: Garfunkel and Oates (Riki Lindhome & Kate Micucci), Eliza Schlesinger, Bald Brian, Schmoes Know, Greg Fitzsimmons, Mike Gibbons, Theresa Strasser

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Episode Overview

This Carolla Classics episode is a compilation of standout moments from the Adam Carolla Show’s 2010 episodes, guest hosted by comedians Doug Benson and Greg Fitzsimmons. Major highlights include candid and irreverent interviews with comedy duo Garfunkel and Oates (Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci), lively discussions on pop culture and politics, musical comedy performances, a deep dive into stand-up life, and a comedic “election night” roundtable contrasting real political outcomes with comic potential.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Doug Benson Guest Hosts with Garfunkel and Oates (Starts ~02:10)

• Doug Benson steps in as guest host, bringing his signature chill, pot-centric humor and podcast experience.
• Eliza Schlesinger, Bald Brian, and Ricky Lindhome join the panel for riff-heavy intros on stand-up touring, handling hecklers, and “Last Comic Standing” memories.

Noteworthy Moments:

• Doug celebrating a rare chance to talk:
  “I’ve been a guest on the podcast several times and never get a word in, so it’s gonna be exciting...” (02:29, Doug)

• Tour life and college crowds:
  The comics swap stories about performing at NACA conferences and receiving offers to party with fans:
  “I love smoking with fans, and I do it all the time, but ... when I’m hired to perform on a college campus, ... is not start blazing with ... students.” (10:11, Doug)

• On performing under Prop 19 buzz:
  Doug strategizes reminding college students to vote for marijuana legalization, even if it won’t help them until they turn 21.
  “You’re going to be 21 eventually. You should vote for it now.” (08:18, Doug)

• Handling hecklers:
  Riki contrasts their approaches:
  “I would flip a table … you take it in stride, and you almost like it... You’re so chill about it … So opposite me.” (05:31, Riki)

2. Stand-Up Demands & Performer Eccentricities (14:55)

• Discussion of performer “riders” triggered by Zach Galifianakis’ specific show requirements, defending the need for odd requests.

• Comedians’ greenroom requests:
  “I have Red Bull and I think NutriGrain bars in my rider. And I don’t get them 90% of the time and I don’t even notice.” (17:18, Riki)

3. Social Issues & Pop Culture Satire (17:44–31:32)

• Octomom / fertility scandal:
  The group skewers the ethics of high-embryo implantations and systemic failures.
  “That is just absolutely ridiculous... that a doctor was…” (19:05, Doug)

• Fraternity outrage at Yale:
  The “No Means Yes, Yes Means Anal” chant sparks commentary on frat culture, nerd rage, and privilege.
  “That’s an interesting way to wrap up a news story. You don’t hear a lot of news people go, ‘...and they can eat my shit.’” (26:30, Doug responding to Riki's blunt summation)

• Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and women in the military:
  “Gay should be allowed in the military. I think you want someone on your team, get a lesbian...” (27:11, Riki)

• The challenge of physical standards:
  Eliza on realism in military roles:
  “A man can pull a man out of a burning building. A woman can’t always just physically. You’re not.” (28:28, Eliza)
  Leads to lively sparring over gender and military strength.

4. Garfunkel and Oates Perform (36:47, 47:07)

Song 1: “I Don’t Understand Job” (Hand Job Song) (37:32)

• Hilariously awkward, rapid-fire clever lyrics about being late sexual bloomers.

• Live musical performance, audience crack-ups, and studio “Shake Weight” visual gags.

  • Standout Lyric:
    “Hand job, bland job / I don’t understand job / Do I spit? Do I squeeze? Do I ever touch the top? How can I learn when you always make me stop...” — Garfunkel and Oates (40:50+)

Song 2: “Like” (47:07)

• Sweet-turned-raunchy love song with escalating wordplay:
  “I’d really like to kiss you... fuck you... rim you... kill you...” — Riki Lindhome & Kate Micucci (48:04+)

• Riki recalls performing a sanitized version (“screw you”) for TV.
  “Never allowed to say ‘nail.’ Maybe because it’s kind of got a violent [connotation].” (49:46, Kate)

5. Comedians on Pop Culture & Film (52:16+)

The Schmoes Know Join In (53:00)

• Movie Reviewers Christian & Mark (Schmoes Know):
  Lively discussion and friendly debate about personal taste vs. cinematic “objectivity.”

• Film education gaps revealed:
  Riki confesses: “I’ve never even seen Back to the Future.” (54:26, Riki)

• Summer movie season gripes:
  Panning most 2010 blockbusters but loving the “Owls of Ga’Hoole” movie, nerding out on actors’ voices and 3D conversions.

• Remakes and ratings:
  Outrage over “Alien” being remade as PG-13:
  “Alien and blood go hand in hand. It’s got to be a bloody [R-rated] movie!” (59:10, Doug)

Movie Trivia Game (Stitcher Extra, 72:14+)

• Doug explains “Totally Topical TiVo Trivia” and the “Leonard Maltin Game,” sparring with the Schmoes and Bald Brian in an off-the-cuff movie guessing contest.

  • Example:
    “Cop from the future goes back in time to save dead wife.” / “Timecop!” — Schmoes vs. Doug/Brian (73:41)

6. Greg Fitzsimmons’ Election 2010 Comedy Roundtable (81:19)

• Satirical coverage of real election results with a panel (Greg Fitzsimmons, Mike Gibbons, Theresa Strasser, Bald Brian):

  • Discussing which candidates and outcomes make for the best comedy fodder.
  • Mourning the loss of comic gold in the defeat of “Rent’s Too Damn High” candidate Jimmy McMillan and witchcraft-averse Christine O’Donnell.

• Political extremism as punchline:
  “Fox News has been a godsend to comedy everywhere.” (83:14, Greg)

• Mocking Arizona’s Jan Brewer’s infamous debate meltdown:
  Extended playback and riffing on her long, painful silences.

• Audience calls:
  Debating whether Republicans or Democrats generate more material for stand-up comedians.

• Comedians on party politics:
  “I think a lot of the comedians that I think are really funny … are right wing. The whole Blue Collar Comedy Tour is right wing. ... I think it’s actually pretty evenly divided now.” (123:17, Greg)

7. Behind the Scenes: Book Plugs, TV Forward Begging, Friendship Banter

• Fitzsimmons and Strasser trade heartfelt (and awkward) stories about promoting their memoirs, soliciting blurbs, and Howard Stern-related humiliation.
• Anecdotes about familial pride (grand marshals, immigrant journeys) blend with therapy-grade honesty about parental dysfunction and creative drive.

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• On guest hosting the Adam Carolla Show:
  “I’ve been a guest on the podcast several times and never get a word in, so it’s gonna be exciting...” (02:29, Doug Benson)

• On pot politics:
  “You’re going to be 21 eventually. You should vote for it now.” (08:18, Doug Benson)
  “I smoked pot once … and spent the whole night Googling Tonya Harding.” (09:25, Riki Lindhome)

• Iconic bluntness:
  “It’s people like this that are the reason our country sadly is going down the toilet. People are lazy and stupid, abusive, like, toward the system. And this is... We have to pay for this.” (20:43, Riki Lindhome on Octomom stories)

• On the Yale frat chant controversy:
  “And they can eat my shit.” (26:16, Riki Lindhome)

• On 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell':
  “Gay should be allowed in the military. I think you want someone on your team, get a lesbian...” (27:11, Riki Lindhome)

• Garfunkel and Oates, “Hand Job Song”:
  “Hand job, bland job, I don’t understand job... Do I spit? Do I squeeze? Do I ever touch the top? ...” (40:50+)

• Garfunkel and Oates, “Like”:
  “I’d really like to kiss you… fuck you… rim you…” (48:04+)

• Film reviewer authenticity:
  “Who the hell are we to tell you that you’re wrong for not liking Red?” (63:45, Schmoes Know / Greg / Eliza)

• Jan Brewer’s debate silence:
  “That's like me at the Improv later tonight." (119:17, Greg Fitzsimmons)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Guest host opening, tour/campus show tales: 02:11–11:00
• Prop 19 discussion: 07:46–09:04, 101:33–103:26 (Greg segment)
• Comic demands, Zach Galifianakis rider: 14:55–17:31
• Octomom & fertility ethics: 17:44–22:26
• Yale frat chant & “nerd rage”: 22:36–26:33
• DADT & gender in military: 26:43–30:27
• Garfunkel and Oates performance (“Hand Job”): 36:47–41:10
• Garfunkel and Oates performance (“Like”): 47:07–49:23
• Movie talk & Schmoes Know: 52:16–71:56
• Movie trivia / podcast games (Stitcher Extra): 72:14–80:33
• Greg Fitzsimmons’ election night comedy panel: 81:19–141:56
• Adam Carolla book plug / NPR and Stern stories: 129:08–137:39

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Summary in the Spirit of the Show

Riff-heavy, wildly candid, and unfiltered, this “Carolla Classics” episode perfectly channels the Adam Carolla Show’s reputation for no-holds-barred comedy and unpredictable conversations. It’s a multi-course meal for fans of alt-comedy, musical satire, and behind-the-scenes showbiz banter, full of quotable lines, bracing social takes, and songs that are as clever as they are explicit.

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Recommended for listeners who:

• Love candid, sometimes caustic comedy about current events, pop culture, and showbiz
• Are fans of Garfunkel and Oates’ musical wordplay
• Appreciate film nerd debates, trivia, and the inner workings of stand-up life
• Enjoy hearing comedians riff uncensored, at length, on politics, sex, and the news

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Mahalo, and get it on.

Transcript

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[Kate Micucci]

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[Theresa Strasser]

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[Kate Micucci]

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[Theresa Strasser]

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[Kate Micucci]

30 day trial at audible.com wondery that's audible.com wondery.

[Christian Harlow]

Welcome to Cruella Classics.

[Doug Benson]

I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast.

[Christian Harlow]

We play the best moments, highlights and.

[Doug Benson]

Fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla Show.

[Christian Harlow]

We have a companion podcast titled Cruel.

[Doug Benson]

Classics available exclusively through Podcast One Premium.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

You can find the entire ad free archive.

[Doug Benson]

Check out Podcast one Plus. And if you'd like to find the.

[Christian Harlow]

Ad free archives for the Adam Carolla.

[Doug Benson]

Show or the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or if you're looking for exclusive.

[Christian Harlow]

Access to the brand new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out.

[Doug Benson]

Adam Pearl's substack adamcurla.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, Please email us classicsdamcorl.com all right, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Carla Show 432 guest host Doug Benson, guests Ricky Lindholm and Kate Micucci, Garfunkel and Oates along with the Schmoes. No 2010. Check it out. This is the Adam Carolla Show. Adam's in Atlanta, so guest hosting comedian Doug Benson. He welcomes actor comedians Garfunkel and Oates and movie review viewers. Schmoes. No. Plus bald Bryant on sound effects and.

[Dawson]

Eliza Schlesinger with the news. And now a man who's already in line to vote for Prop 19, Doug Benson.

[Doug Benson]

Hey, everybody, I'm Doug Benson and I'm not Adam Carolla, but I'll still say let's get it on. Whatever he says. Let's. What else does he say? Brian? Let's bang a gong.

[Bald Brian]

Let's get it on. Bang a gong. Get it on. Get it on.

[Doug Benson]

Get it on. Get it on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like Mark Bolan.

[Doug Benson]

Let's take it down to Chinatown or whatever. And anyway, I'm Doug Betson. I'm filling in. I'm guest hosting the Adam Carolla podcast, and I'm super excited about it because I've been a guest on the podcast several times and never get a word in, so it's gonna be exciting to get to actually say some stuff.

[Bald Brian]

Unlike other guest hosts you've had in the past, you have hosting podcast experience.

[Doug Benson]

Yes, I also. Yeah, I host my own podcast called Doug Loves Movies. And what's it about? Movies. It's Movies about Doug and Loving and movies. And it's very. It's not. It's not exactly like the Film Vault. I do mine in front of an audience, and it's mostly like comedians trying to be funny about movies. And you guys have a little bit more of a serious. You and Anderson on the Film Vault, kind of really dig in and talk. Really talk about your feelings about the movies.

[Bald Brian]

Thanks, dude. You were cool enough to guest on our episode this week.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. So anybody coming to the Corolla, you know, the ACE Broadcasting Company. System. Network.

[Bald Brian]

Network.

[Doug Benson]

Network. Anyone coming to the Ace Network gets to hear me. Hear too much of me on both this show and on your show. But it was. It was a lot of fun. We talked about the five top five movies that make us cry.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Heard that.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. And Eliza Schlesinger is here. Yay.

[Ricky Lindholm]

It's raining. That's what it sounds like.

[Doug Benson]

It was raining. We were. This has been a very rainy time in Southern California, so, yes. It's nice to be in here. And you're gonna be doing the news and stuff.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Oh, yeah.

[Doug Benson]

Hanging out, doing the news, talking about stuff. You guys might know Eliza from Last Comic Standing, where she was not only the first female winner, but also the youngest winner of all times of all seven seasons. Is it now?

[Ricky Lindholm]

Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

I wonder if it's coming back next year. Have you heard anything?

[Ricky Lindholm]

I have not heard anything. They don't tend to CC me on these meetings.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. Yeah. They made big changes on that last season. And I don't know if you saw. Did you see the finale? You were in the finale. Yeah. You were in it, so that was fun.

[Ricky Lindholm]

So that's cool that he won.

[Doug Benson]

Who won?

[Ricky Lindholm]

Felipe Esparza.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Ricky Lindholm]

He's a sweet man.

[Doug Benson]

He's a. He seems like a really nice guy. I don't really know him. Yeah. Felipe Esparza. That's who. But yeah, I. I enjoyed that guy. I really liked. I liked all the top five and. And most of the top ten. And. But who knows? Who knows what'll happen to the show? I think I. Yeah, see, I think I'm fascinated by. I think if you win last comic standing, you kind of don't ever have to look back.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I never watched it before I was on it, and I still don't.

[Doug Benson]

But when you come in sixth place, it's like, now it's an obsession where I just watch. Watch and see everybody else going through that. You know, I try to meet the number six and say, you know, start a support group with them number sixes. What it's like to be number six. Yeah.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Six step program.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, it's rough when they. When a show is really hinged on a top five. And then you just. You just barely make. You know, you just don't make.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I'm sorry.

[Doug Benson]

On the precipice.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Maybe I should leave.

[Doug Benson]

But we worked together a while after you won, and we. I think we hit it off and we had a good time and.

[Ricky Lindholm]

You mean John Efron.

[Doug Benson]

There was no weirdness about, you know, you're doing so much better at it than me.

[Ricky Lindholm]

No, you were. I. You know what? I remember, because I had never met you before, I don't think. And it was at the Zanies Zany's in Nashville. In Nashville. And I remember people would yell stuff out, not heckling you like you were killing, but you had such a different approach to dealing with people. Like, I would flip a table and be like, shut the fuck up. Like, I'm over this. I'll kick you in the teeth. Which I can't make good on that promise. But you. You take it in stride, and you almost like it. And you're so chill about it. And I was like, this guy is so opposite me. We have to be friends. And then we went out. Remember that guy got beaten up, beat up at that bar?

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, yeah. There's a guy pushing a girl around, and a bunch of dudes jump. You know, a bunch of dudes jumped on the guy, like, oh, you're trying to, you know, slap around a girl. This is our opportunity to have a fight. Yeah, we get. We get to punch you because you were pushing a girl around.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Doug Benson]

I just. I just tried to protect the girl while they fought.

[Ricky Lindholm]

You guys pushed me out of the way. I remember that. It was very sweet because I was too close.

[Doug Benson]

It was John Reap, by the way. Don't, don't. Don't drag John Heffron's name through the. Through the mud. John.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I say John Heffron the first time.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Oh, John. Reef. I'm sorry.

[Doug Benson]

Another last comic standing winner.

[Ricky Lindholm]

They were going for. They only wanted to do John's.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. But yeah, we were in, we were in Nashville that. And we. We did. Or I was in Nashville to do the NACA thing. Did you do NACA too?

[Ricky Lindholm]

I did do naca, yeah.

[Doug Benson]

That's the next year. That's the national association of Convention of. I don't know, I don't know.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Collegiate activities.

[Doug Benson]

Collegiate activities, yeah. So you kind of audition to be a comedian. That goes to like kids from a bunch of different colleges come and watch comics and other types of performance to.

[Bald Brian]

Go on the college tour.

[Doug Benson]

And then they, and then they, the different schools get together and they, they link up the shows so that you can, you know. So each school gets you a little cheaper if they do three in a row that are all next to each other.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Oh, gosh, you know, I wasn't afforded that consideration. They were like, you've got one in Detroit and then you fly to California, then to Miami.

[Doug Benson]

No, that's how it works now. They just give you. They're just individual things. But that's how they used to do is. They used to really try to link it up, but now it's like, it's more random.

[Ricky Lindholm]

But I've aged significantly.

[Doug Benson]

But colleges have ridiculous amounts of money sitting around for these kind of things.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Colleges you've never heard of that are sitting on like four pieces of grass. They're like, we'll give you 10 grand.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

But it's so fun when you get there, though. Everyone's so appreciative. I'm doing Sacramento State next Thursday.

[Ricky Lindholm]

That's gonna be fun.

[Doug Benson]

I'm psyched about that. It's only a few days before the big proposition 19. You know, vote for. To legalize weed in California, in Sacramento.

[Bald Brian]

That's a big deal too.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. And I'm excited to remind all the, all the Sacramento State students that are under 21, because once it's legalized, you got to be 21 to smoke it. It'll be like alcohol. And so I'm trying to remind them to vote because a lot of them are over 18, but under 21, they might be like, what good is it going to do me to vote for? And of course we're never going to. Yeah, yeah. So I'd say like, you should plan for your future. You should.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Nice.

[Doug Benson]

You're going to be 21 eventually. You should vote for it now.

[Bald Brian]

For the future.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Ricky Lindholm]

This is your five year plan.

[Doug Benson]

Well, you know, there's people that are against this Prop 19 because they say it's like a. It's. It's a kind of a loosely worded bill, and that law enforcement might get more advantages over your typical pot smoker. But my feeling is I just think that, you know, I just don't think anyone should be incarcerated for marijuana. So if it doesn't pass this time, there's talk of another, like a better bill or better proposition. They should attach 2012 in 2012. They'll attach it to proper attached to Prop 8. Get them together. Don't. I should be able to marry my weed, if I want to know.

[Ricky Lindholm]

It should be. You could. I don't. You could do opposite. So it's like you can have the weed, but then gays have to be able to get married. I feel like that would get pushed through a lot faster.

[Doug Benson]

I hope so. There's, you know, they always say, the polls are always saying that Prop 19 is running it like 5050, and you don't really hear that much talk about it in the media, and nobody's buying tons of ads for or against it, so it'll be interesting to see what happens either way.

[Ricky Lindholm]

It doesn't affect me one way or the other, so. But that is exciting. It's fine for you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

You're not a pot smoker.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I smoked pot once about five months ago and spent the whole night Googling Tonya Harding. I learned so much.

[Doug Benson]

It's a game.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I wrote a whole bit.

[Doug Benson]

Really Is it would be a better story if you were at Tonya Harding's house or showed up in her trailer if you were with her while you were Googling.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Yeah, I bet she'd beat me up.

[Doug Benson]

Google her right in front of her.

[Bald Brian]

At what point do you guys reach the age where you can't party with the college kids anymore? You guys, you go to these colleges, and they're small towns, not a lot to do besides go to the frat house.

[Doug Benson]

Well, I mean, Eliza doesn't really party much anyway. You have a. You have a drink or two here and there.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Yeah, I don't after. Unless I have a friend with me. You try not to. Because then there's a. There's a disconnect in the first place that you kind of want to maintain that you don't want to be like, hey, let's party together, because then they don't think of you as an idol.

[Doug Benson]

Well, I get a lot of. Come back to our frat house or our sorority or wherever. Come back and smoke with us and stuff. Like that. And I just always, like, I. I love smoking with fans, and I do it all the time, but I think when I'm hired to perform on a college campus, that's probably the one thing I can do is. Is not start blazing with the. With the audience that more, you know, could very likely be under 21.

[Ricky Lindholm]

You do get invited a lot. When we were in Nashville, we were walking down the street, and everyone was.

[Doug Benson]

Like, hey, yeah, yeah, come on, let's go smoke.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I don't Everywhere as a girl. Like, I've had guys like, you want to come get a drink? I'm like, and then end up in your trunk. No, I'm okay. But thank you. It was nice meeting you.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. People come up to me with these elaborate schemes, like, you got to come back to our place with us. We only live, like, 90 minutes away, and we'll get you so baked, and we'll bring you back. And, you know, like, they always have these elaborate plans for me, and I'm just always like, no, I'm good. Serial killers.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Yeah, for sure.

[Doug Benson]

I don't need to go to your house to be killed.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I don't understand. I get high, Girls come up to me, and they're like, are you into girls? It's a shame you're not. I'm like, it's not a shame I'm not. And you showing me a hot girl, that doesn't make me. Oh, now, oh, well, if it'll take me to your house, which is my main goal, as long as they're hot, that's not a shame.

[Doug Benson]

It's a shame for Brian and I that you're not into girls.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I usually tape it because that's so.

[Doug Benson]

Much fun to watch.

[Ricky Lindholm]

My dog gets me so much attention from women.

[Doug Benson]

That would be sweet. Yeah. We should mention that Blanche is here. And Blanche is really comfortable with podcasting.

[Ricky Lindholm]

She's overwhelmed.

[Doug Benson]

She's just totally just chilled out on the couch, practically passed out, and our guests are gonna come out later and sit on her.

[Bald Brian]

You guys see that pillow behind Blanche? I actually took that pillow off that couch and put it down on the ground for my dog because there's no place for him to sit. A couple days ago, and Adam, in his own passive aggressive way, goes, is that my pillow? No, Adam, it's someone else's pillow.

[Ricky Lindholm]

It's the dog's bed.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

And he's like. He's like, it's my pillow, isn't it? Like, yeah. He's like. I'm like, is that a problem? And he goes no, just like to know how people think. Which pretty much means yes, that's a problem that he got in on the air. It was a good time.

[Doug Benson]

But do you remember were you here? You're here every show, right, Brian?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, pretty much.

[Doug Benson]

So you were sitting right there when Adam in a recent show. Because I listened to. You know, I listened to parts of some of the shows when I can. And he was going off about, why do people come in to a place where there's a couch and they put their shoes up on the couch?

[Ricky Lindholm]

Same as what I'm doing right now. I like to say Indian style, but should I knock it out?

[Doug Benson]

But he had a whole thing about, why do you just. Why? How could people just do that? Because your shoes probably got stuff on the bottom of it and you're on a nice sofa.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Is this nice?

[Bald Brian]

No.

[Doug Benson]

Well, ish. Ish. You know, I mean, it's gonna be worse after you rub your shoes all over it. Oh, and then. See, and there's a spider.

[Ricky Lindholm]

See what happens when you take them off the couch?

[Doug Benson]

No, no, I. I have no issue with it.

[Ricky Lindholm]

She thinks I'm leaving.

[Doug Benson]

I like it. I just thought it was funny to be hearing Adam rant about it and then come here and sit here and watch somebody do that exact same thing.

[Theresa Strasser]

That's a passive aggression.

[Doug Benson]

And he's like me. He's not limber enough to do something like that on a couch. That's why he doesn't do it.

[Ricky Lindholm]

He's like 8ft tall.

[Doug Benson]

Part of his world.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Got daddy long legs, limbs. He could absolutely do.

[Bald Brian]

I think he was more also upset. The people who do the sort of the knee hugging thing where the feet are grinding on the couch. You know what I'm saying?

[Ricky Lindholm]

Is this.

[Doug Benson]

Okay. You did it in a more gentle way because you had the soles sideways.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I was cognizant of that. I didn't want to get the. Yeah. I hate when people.

[Doug Benson]

Some people just like they do. They do that. You know, they. Right. They do that move and. Yeah, that's. But you know, what can Adam complain about?

[Ricky Lindholm]

That's true. That's why we're here.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, he's good. So what do you think Adam does with his night off?

[Bald Brian]

Oh, Adam's on his way to Atlanta. I believe he travels.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, he's got to do a gig tomorrow night there.

[Bald Brian]

Pretty sure.

[Doug Benson]

Shouldn't we plug it?

[Bald Brian]

Well, maybe we should, but schizing this airs tomorrow, maybe.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, no, this doesn't air till Friday.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, exactly. So I'm not sure if it's something to be plugged. We'll plug.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Don't you mean it's airing right now.

[Doug Benson]

You guys with your crate? Yeah, you're listening to it right now, people.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I love Friday Today. So nice outside. Or not.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. I always get so confused by that stuff, by trying to be honest with the listener. Because I think pretending it's another time is always weird. Like when I do phoners, you do these two probably where they. Where they. They go, we're taping it for tomorrow.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I hate that.

[Doug Benson]

So you always want to get tripped up. Yeah. It almost forces you to say stuff about what's happening right that very day.

[Ricky Lindholm]

As if it takes you out. Like, even if I'm like, Friday. They're like a Saturday. I'm like, are the jokes not funny now? Because I'm not the weather girl. Like, who cares? So that's what I say, and then I don't get us back.

[Doug Benson]

But you are the news girl today.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I am today. I will do it today. Friday being Friday, how much news do you have?

[Doug Benson]

Should we get so much. Should we get into.

[Ricky Lindholm]

It is looks like a lot because the printer printed out all the ads on the website.

[Doug Benson]

But you have tons of pages but lots of paper.

[Bald Brian]

We built an intro for you.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, good. Let's Hear Eliza's news 5. From the international news center next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Eliza Schlesinger.

[Ricky Lindholm]

A new website got a hold of Zach Galvanakis, writer. There was some outrage over this and some people didn't care. I'm gonna read you these things because to me, it doesn't seem that out of the question. Number one purchaser will provide and pay for the following.

[Kate Micucci]

1.

[Ricky Lindholm]

A piano. Piano must be tuned prior to its arrival. I'm sorry. After its arrival. Two large flip charts. Recycled paper from Office Depot. There's an item number one. Large freestanding easel. One roll of clear Scotch tape. Three permanent markers. Must be Sharpie Magnum markers. No exception or substitutes. One boom microphone. One wireless microphone. One straight microphone. One K microphone.

[Doug Benson]

Doesn't say that.

[Ricky Lindholm]

One wireless microphone. One extra wireless microphone. And then DVDs.

[Doug Benson]

Da, da, da.

[Ricky Lindholm]

An artist must be able to connect his computer to the venue sound system.

[Doug Benson]

Somebody tried to spin this like he's a diva or something.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Like, anytime it's like, check out this guy's writer. This is all in his act. That's like me saying, I want a st. What a diva.

[Doug Benson]

And he doesn't make him do everything. It doesn't say like. Needed. One Annie Orphan dress.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I mean, they're very specific things. But all. The only thing on here that's nice is a five star hotel at the Ritz Carlton, preferably, which is fine. He's a movie star now. This is actually the most tame writer I've ever read.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. And it's not even. It doesn't even have any of the kind of classic stuff you'd expect. Like weird, you know, certain color of M&MS. Or lots of. No, exactly that stuff.

[Ricky Lindholm]

And as a comedian, I think, and anybody that is a comedian knows this, you get very used to certain things and they make you comfortable. And I think you'd actually. Mentally. It would trip you up if it were a different kind of easel, different kind of projector, you know, what works for you.

[Doug Benson]

So, yeah, that's. That's his bid is he. He draws. He needs those certain markers to draw the sentences on the pieces of paper. And then he's seen that flip chart that he does. Right.

[Bald Brian]

The whole thing is the piano.

[Doug Benson]

And then. Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

No one complained.

[Ricky Lindholm]

It's not even that interesting. No offense to him. Like, it's just. It's an office list.

[Bald Brian]

No one complained in the 80s when Gallagher was like, must have one giant couch. Must have one mallet.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

You know what I mean?

[Doug Benson]

Couch has to be a trampoline. That's right.

[Bald Brian]

Bounce on couch.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Considering how long he's been doing stand up, how successful he is and how many movies he's been in, this is the most normal thing I've read in a long time.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, I think it just sounds weird to your average person. Like, oh, stand up comedian is going to be performing and then he needs all this kind of weird stuff. Like if you don't know Zach's act, you'd be kind of like, well, that's kind of weird. Like, it sounds like their, their attitude about it is that's all the stuff he needs in his dressing room.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Right.

[Doug Benson]

Like, that's what he.

[Ricky Lindholm]

It's not even.

[Doug Benson]

That's what makes him comfortable. He needs those specific markers because he sniffs them in the car. Yeah.

[Ricky Lindholm]

You know, I have Red Bull and I think nutrigrain bars in my rider. And I don't get them 90 of the time and I don't even notice.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, I just. Whenever people ask me what I want, I just say, you know, do you have. Can you have some water back there?

[Kate Micucci]

That's all you need.

[Doug Benson]

And, you know, you're there for like a few minutes, then you go out on stage and then you go home. Like, what do you Need. You know, I'd like some solitude. Really. Got it. I have a lot of stuff.

[Ricky Lindholm]

People are assholes.

[Doug Benson]

That's what we're gonna learn from. I bet you from every news story you read today.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Well, this one. People are assholes. Yeah, this one. Except special item number two. Octomom doctor testifies to save license. I'll read you the headline. Headlines. The fertility doctor whose in vitro treatments gave Nadia Suleiman her octuplets tearfully began testimony Wednesday as he defended his methods in the fight to keep his medical license. Tearfully because he had to look at her vagina. The octuplets birth January was hailed by many as a miracle until details of Suleiman's personal life became public. She's tried to make a living by selling pictures and gossip items about herself to the tabloid media as she struggles to pay rent and is facing a $450,000 balloon payment on her La Habra home. The doctors also accused of failing to refer Suleiman for mental health consultation prior to her fertility treatment. He's a bad person. Sorry.

[Doug Benson]

I heard Vivid Entertainment offered her a job as, like, an intern.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Are you serious?

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. They offer her, like, a real job. Like, they don't not. That was like. I think that was rejected by her. Like, I don't want to be in it. And then they said, well, we'll just give you some sort of job, you know, like a real job, but, like, she needs to make a lot of money. She doesn't need to go, you know, work at some kind of regular job.

[Ricky Lindholm]

She has a job. She's a nurse. And they make money, but it's not enough to take care of a small colony.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, and not enough time either. I mean, that, that doctor. That is just absolutely ridiculous that a doctor was.

[Ricky Lindholm]

He's done it to other women, too.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. Would. Would. Would do that. Like, it's just. That's the sort of procedure that a doctor would do just to make a. Some sort of name for himself. And now the fact that he's, like, crying about, like, wanting to keep his license, it's like, if there's a chance he's going to do that again, that is just ridiculous.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Records show Kamrava, that's The doctor, implanted 12 embryos in the pregnancy that gave Suleiman octuplets. National guidelines recommend no more than two embryos for women her age. In less than eight years, he repeatedly performed in vitro fertilization for her, implanting her with 60 fresh embryos that resulted in 14 children. What bothers me is those 60 embryos could have gone to a normal person who would have raised the kid to become a president or a doctor. Not some. Oh, my God, she's so gross. Not some welfare baby that's probably gonna grow up to just abuse the system.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So think about the people that could.

[Bald Brian]

Be helping the barren couples, the couples, you know, who really want a baby.

[Doug Benson]

Here.

[Bald Brian]

He has given her eight kids.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I don't think the doctor was trying to make a name for herself for himself. I think she. I think her thing was, I'm poor, I have nothing going for me. I know I'll have all these kids. It'll be a thing. How could he.

[Doug Benson]

But how can he put that many, you know, know that he's creating a situation where one woman's gonna have all. All these kids without it, you know, without a husband, without a decent job, you know, without a great job from.

[Ricky Lindholm]

The 50s, not a husband.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, but, you know, I mean, like, it's the right to vote. It's bad. And there's already enough debate about whether or not someone should raise a child alone. And you know, how that affects the child. But. But eight children or 14 or what, you know, like, how many. It's all. It's those. Every time I hear about Octomom just drives me crazy.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Can I say something in the spirit of Adam being here? I feel like he would agree with me on this. It's people like this that are the reason our country sadly is going down the toilet. People are lazy and stupid, abusive, like, toward the system. And this is. I. We have to pay for this. By the way your taxes go to.

[Doug Benson]

That's what I mean. That just should be regulated. Like, you shouldn't just be able to put a ton of babies in somebody just regular. They want it absolutely.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Like China, maybe, but not one kid. You have a couple kids, as long as they're good looking.

[Doug Benson]

I don't think there should be a limit if you've got the resources and the, you know, and the. The foundation to like.

[Ricky Lindholm]

But then what would you say to people that don't believe in birth control? I agree with you, but what will you say?

[Doug Benson]

That's the thing is it's very. It's very hard to regulate it. So, like, doctors should sort of step up and go, hey, that would be a douchebag move to put eight kids into one lady practically, no matter who it is.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Here's what's gonna happen though. Rich people that can afford to go to a doctor, the doctor will only implant rich people. And then you get poor people that don't believe in birth control, that will have 12 kids who didn't go to a doctor that couldn't regulate it.

[Doug Benson]

So all you're doing is at least they had to do it the old fashioned way. They had 12 kids over 12 years. They didn't just get them all put in at once.

[Ricky Lindholm]

12 kids on food stamps is still 12 kids on food stamps.

[Doug Benson]

Well, yeah, it's terrible. But the oldest one. 12 years, you know, there'll be 12 year difference. There'll be a 12 year difference between the kids. So at least there's somebody. Yeah, at least there's somebody there. Like these Octomom kids. It's just a bunch of babies laying around and somebody's got to take care of them.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I don't mind. Like the Duggars on tlc. They're like a normal. They're creepy and weird, but they're. And I'm not Christian, but they seem like a normal person.

[Doug Benson]

Seem to be making it work.

[Kate Micucci]

They do.

[Ricky Lindholm]

They have a budget and they take care of each other. I don't mind that. I don't care if you're a Jesus freak. They seem like good people now.

[Bald Brian]

Who are they, like 19 and counting or something?

[Ricky Lindholm]

Yes, that's them, the Duggers. Yeah, it's gross and weird, but they really try. They're not living off the government.

[Doug Benson]

God bless the Duggars.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I live in a really crappy neighborhood and I pay a lot of taxes. I'm very bitter. All right, here's one that you have a clip for.

[Doug Benson]

Audio clip. They have a clip, yeah.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Fraternities have been behind a lot of ridiculous stunts in the past, but this one is a whole new low. I didn't write that. I read that. As part of initiation practice at Yale Daily. The Yale Daily News reports at the school's chapter of Delta Kappa Epsilon had their pledges march through the university's old campus last Wednesday blindfolded and chanting. No means yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes means anal.

[Ricky Lindholm]

And the Deeks, I'm a necrophiliac. I fuck dead women. Which doesn't rhyme and has no cadence to it.

[Doug Benson]

Get that drop.

[Ricky Lindholm]

As offensive as it is on its own, it was seen by some at the school as particularly aggressive because of the chanting. Because the chanting took place directly outside many freshman female dorms. And there's a clip if you'd like everybody to watch it.

[Theresa Strasser]

Now.

[Doug Benson]

Let's eyeball it and listen to it. It's very dangerous.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Yale Women's center understandably took offense to the chant, writing to the Yale Daily News that the Incident was hate speech and an active call for sexual violence. How can you take offense to it if you're a necrophiliac? The women are dead. What do you care?

[Bald Brian]

Were you guys Greeks?

[Doug Benson]

We.

[Bald Brian]

Infranity sorority.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Do we look like we were in fraternity Sorority? I do, actually.

[Bald Brian]

Okay, you kind of do.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I look like it. But I wasn't.

[Doug Benson]

I didn't. Yeah, I didn't get involved in any of that. But I was.

[Bald Brian]

And this is nothing. This is absolutely nothing.

[Ricky Lindholm]

It's a joke.

[Doug Benson]

It's a little. It's. You know, I don't. I would certainly run if I heard men chanting that at night. I wouldn't want to be around that. That kind of attitude. It's kind of. It's kind of a fratty attitude, you.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Know, like it doesn't read anything productive.

[Doug Benson]

I just enchanting about where. You know, where. What kind of sex you want to have with a lady is just kind of. It's kind of a weird thing to put in a chant. Yeah.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Can I tell you the best part that I discovered afterward under the article, people can post their comments. There are no comments in here about anal sex or women's right to shoes. They're all about how these guys don't like frats because they're all nerds and they weren't accepted by the popular kids. All these guys, Jim, jds, All these guys.

[Bald Brian]

You're telling me the guys posting on the comments section of YouTube Are nerds?

[Ricky Lindholm]

Yeah. News flash.

[Bald Brian]

Stop with this.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Personally, I don't like fraternities. It's like this is about women being raped, essentially. And you don't like fraternity. Someone needs acceptance in their life.

[Bald Brian]

No, they're not raped. They just say yes.

[Doug Benson]

Maybe means Dirty Sanchez.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Who says maybe?

[Doug Benson]

Possibly means Hot Carl.

[Theresa Strasser]

Possibly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you want to have anal?

[Ricky Lindholm]

Possibly.

[Bald Brian]

You know who? Legend had it the worst hazers on campus were the band. The band hazes the hell out of their new members.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Apparently nerds have a rageful attitude.

[Doug Benson]

Nerd rage.

[Ricky Lindholm]

That's what most of Hollywood is made up of.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, I just. I stay away from. I think I found stand up comedy to stay away from groups. Like, I talk to the groups. I don't. I'm not part of them.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I think it's pretty. I think it's sectionalized. I think there's groups in comedy.

[Doug Benson]

What do you mean?

[Ricky Lindholm]

Within comedy, there's groups.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, yeah, I guess so. But we're not like a. We're never an angry mob.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Oh, no.

[Doug Benson]

We're barely in the same room together.

[Ricky Lindholm]

We don't have an attention span to stay long enough to pick something.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, we're not yelling about. So that's not. We're not ganging up on everybody about. About something.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I also think when you get to, like, private schools like this, I mean, the higher up you get, the douche year they are, I think. I mean, obviously not everyone from Duke or Princeton or any of those are assholes, but I've definitely met my fair share. And these are entitled kids that these guys think they run the world, which.

[Doug Benson]

In a way, they do societies.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Skull and Bones. Oh, that's Yale. But they, I think doing something like this further reinforces the idea that you're untouchable because you guys are moneyed white kids. So they can eat my shit.

[Doug Benson]

Wow, that's a. That's an interesting way to wrap up.

[Ricky Lindholm]

A new story, that one.

[Doug Benson]

You don't hear a lot of school, a lot of news, people on their waves going, and they can eat my shit.

[Ricky Lindholm]

And in other news, they can eat my story.

[Doug Benson]

This next story might also have to eat my shit.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Speaking of gay activities, I thought this was kind of funny. Appeals court Military can reinstate ban on gays for now San Francisco. A federal appeals court ruled Wednesday that the Pentagon. Pentagon May temporarily reinstate a ban on openly gay men and women in uniform. While a challenge to the don't ask, don't tell policy continues working its way through the judicial system, through the jujitsu system, through the Jewish. Here's. Can I just say my one thing?

[Doug Benson]

Yes, please.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Gay should be allowed in the military. I think you want someone on your team. Get a lesbian. They're just as butch as a guy and they got something to prove.

[Doug Benson]

They kick ass.

[Ricky Lindholm]

You realize how agile a girl can be in a sports bra? Like, I'm wearing, like, a nice one now, so I don't want to run. You put me in, like, an Under Armour sports bra. I'm gonna do some drop kicking.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. Like, look at the lesbian chick in I'm not a Lesbian, by the way. Aliens, for example.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Sigourney Weaver.

[Doug Benson]

No, no, no, no, no. There was that one girl, Gonzalez or something. Like, she was, like, just a total badass. And, and, or even, you know, Demi Moore in, in her G.I.

[Bald Brian]

Jane.

[Ricky Lindholm]

She wasn't. But she wasn't a lesbian.

[Doug Benson]

No, but she might as well have.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Been because her head was shaved.

[Doug Benson]

But I'm just saying that, like, I think women have the capacity, especially lesbians, but women in general, they have the capacity as badasses, as dudes, and they, you know, they should all. Everyone, everyone that wants to fight should be able to go fight because just, just wanting to do it is. You know, to me that's a, that's a heavy reason to recruit somebody is that they have a passion for it.

[Ricky Lindholm]

See, I, I think women should have the option, but in all honesty, if I'm fighting, I'd rather have guys. A man can pull a man out of a burning building. A woman can't always just physically. You're not.

[Doug Benson]

Right. Well, but they do, you know, they do have to go through a lot of training. And it's not like the women get to do girl push ups in the training. I don't think. I think they have to.

[Ricky Lindholm]

They do. Women should be in the military because women are super organized and we can like launch shit. But I feel like you could stand.

[Doug Benson]

Around with like headphones saying like, let.

[Ricky Lindholm]

You know if you took a Navy seal. Yeah, if you took a Navy SEAL versus me, guess who's gonna be able to tolerate more pain? The guy. Just in general. The guy. So I think men should be the ones fighting. I think a woman is almost more. It's a bit more hazardous to the team because women are just more fragile by nature. This isn't anti woman.

[Doug Benson]

This is just the truth.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I can't take a punch in the stomach.

[Doug Benson]

You're making a lot of ladies that don't even listen to this podcast very angry right now. They can because I don't, I don't imagine there's a huge like lesbian military listenership for this, but I never know.

[Bald Brian]

Military.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, you never know. You totally never know.

[Ricky Lindholm]

But men are stronger than women.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, I just, I sure they are.

[Ricky Lindholm]

But women should be.

[Doug Benson]

If someone wants to show up and fight, they should be able to be allowed to. And that's the other thing about the whole gay thing is just like the issue that keeps coming up is that they keep trying to imply these people that are against repealing don't ask, Don't Tell tend to say stuff like about the choice of being gay, you know, and what a bad decision, what a horrible person somebody is for deciding that or whatever. And that. Yeah, I just don't get why this is like what Anderson was talking about in the film Vault, these arguments where you cannot convince some people that gays do not have a choice. And telling those people that why would anyone choose to be gay? Why would anybody choose to be persecuted? That's like saying, you know, like, if black people had the option to like, I've decided to be black because my life will be Much harder.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Everyone.

[Doug Benson]

I've chosen this. Yeah, exactly.

[Ricky Lindholm]

There's tests that everyone has to go through. If you pass it, great. Same for firemen. If you pass it, great. I think for firemen, it's something like you have. They have to take one minority, one woman. That's ridiculous. I want a guy dragging me out of building. One, because he's probably going to be hot, but two, because you have the physical capability. I have a lesbian stepsister. She's a fireman. She is a badass. Good for her.

[Doug Benson]

Of course, the guy. The guy's gonna be hot, though. He's dragging you out of a burning.

[Ricky Lindholm]

That's my point.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, you mean you meant good looking. I'm sorry. Oh, I misunderstood. Exactly. So we have a, like, a little news outro that we can play, and then directly after that, we'll see. We'll get a few words from Adam. That was the news with Eliza Schlesinger.

[Dawson]

Ah, yes. Stitcher. You know why I love Stitcher? Because I love me. And if you download Stitcher, then you get me and you get me for free. And you get Stitcher for free. It's a free app. We're a free show, and it's a free country. God bless America. You go to stitcher.com, you toss it in your iPhone, your BlackBerry, Android, and Palm, and then you get the show free. Whenever you want it, whenever you need it slides right in. It's magic. No more downloading, no more syncing. The show will be on your phone, fresh and ready, like muffins straight from the oven. Every morning, we're working with our good friends at Stitcher to get you our content as quickly and easily as humanly possible. Also, you can hear some bonus footage of the show that's exclusive to Stitcher. So what do you do? Not much. Just go to stitcher.com. that's stitcher.com.

[Doug Benson]

You know that Adam makes a lot of sense when he speaks. Yeah, he's a real straight talker and doesn't. Doesn't sugarcoat anything. And you already heard from one of them. That was. Ricky Lindholm and Kate McCucci are here in studio. They are.

[Kate Micucci]

Oh, thank you, studio audience.

[Theresa Strasser]

It's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You can.

[Kate Micucci]

It can.

[Theresa Strasser]

It's okay.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, they went. Studio audience would really ape for them.

[Kate Micucci]

They stopped clapping so quickly all at once.

[Doug Benson]

They're like, you know, I give them the signal, and bam, they're Asian. Was that, like, from Hard Dis Night or something?

[Bald Brian]

That was Oprah's crowd after she gave.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Oh, the cars, everything trip To Australia.

[Bald Brian]

It was something stupid. That's why it was funny. It was like, here's everybody gets a.

[Doug Benson]

Copy of a new book or something.

[Kate Micucci]

Did you ever see the Tyra show when she gave them Vaseline?

[Doug Benson]

What?

[Kate Micucci]

Yeah. She gave them bedazzled Vaseline. It was like a beauty product show. And she's like, the best beauty products in the world is under your chair. And then she's like, it's Vaseline, y'.

[Doug Benson]

All.

[Kate Micucci]

And she's like, lying on the ground, used by me.

[Doug Benson]

Everyone crazy because they got vaccinated. Yeah.

[Kate Micucci]

And they went crazy. Sheriff Oprah.

[Ricky Lindholm]

It's because they're terrified of Tyrannosaurus. If I were in her studio, I'd be terrified. She's a bad person.

[Kate Micucci]

Sorry.

[Doug Benson]

She's getting sued.

[Kate Micucci]

I just read she was homeless for a day. Okay.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, my.

[Ricky Lindholm]

And fat.

[Kate Micucci]

Yeah.

[Ricky Lindholm]

The day she was fat, she wasn't.

[Kate Micucci]

Homeless overnight notice, but she was homeless for the day.

[Ricky Lindholm]

During the day when it's not cold.

[Kate Micucci]

Right.

[Doug Benson]

Got it. She learned a lot from that experience. She did. She learned to really hang on tight and not be homeless.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Kiss my fat ass.

[Kate Micucci]

She learned never to lose her keys so that that doesn't happen to her again for the day.

[Ricky Lindholm]

You know what I don't like about her? How she makes. She, like, forces this, like, sister vibe. Like, because, you know, I've eaten some cookies. Okay, y'.

[Doug Benson]

All.

[Ricky Lindholm]

And all the girls are like, please pick me for next Top Model. And she just looks like she wants to kill every. Look at that. She's a maniac. Total overweight.

[Doug Benson]

She's intense. My favorite is on America's Next Top Model is when she teaches them how to pose. Like, when she's like, don't do it like that. Do it like this. Yeah. And it's just the way she does it. Like, she is good at it. But it's also like, that's not that you're not training anyone to do anything. You're just like, you know, making. Just making Tyra faces.

[Ricky Lindholm]

She only teaches young girls to fear her opinion. That's what she teaches them, that show. Those girls are terrified non stop.

[Doug Benson]

Well, she's wrapping it up too, though, right? This is like her last season too.

[Kate Micucci]

I love that show. I've seen probably every other top Model. Yeah, not the Tyra show.

[Doug Benson]

No.

[Kate Micucci]

I remember the first time I met or when we went out for the first time, just like you were talking about Top Model for, like the whole car ride. And I had never really seen it. And I was like, wow, this girl really likes Top Model.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I don't remember. Yeah, I believe you. They always do, like, talent portions. Like, where they have, like, not talent portions, but, like, they'll be like, you got. You have to be spokesperson for Dove for the day, and the girls cannot master talking and emoting at the same time. No.

[Kate Micucci]

I used to. Like, Kate and I have both done a lot of commercials, and I was like, it's so crazy. Like, how does it.

[Ricky Lindholm]

How did I book that?

[Kate Micucci]

How does anyone book these things? And then I watched Top Model, and I was like, oh, that's how. Because the girls I'm going up against are models, and they literally can't speak.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Yeah, I've actually. They can't. I've taken to going to auditions and just been like, if it's a funny thing, I've been like, look, you can get a prettier girl, so if you want someone funny, it's fine. But if you're just gonna have me smile, then get someone hotter, because it's way easy for you. Yeah, that's what I say.

[Doug Benson]

Wow, that's. You really have a lot of confidence in your humor.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Oh, yeah. I have a huge ego.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. But you. You. You're hot. You're hot. Don't kid yourself.

[Ricky Lindholm]

She's hot.

[Doug Benson]

Why would. Why would. Why would a beautiful dog like Blanche hang out with you if you weren't hot?

[Ricky Lindholm]

I feed her.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, that's it.

[Kate Micucci]

I did an episode of a TV show where one of the extras was an America's Next Top Model contestant. The one who walked off because she wouldn't cut her hair. That girl. Well, she cut her hair completely off, and then Tyra wanted it a centimeter shorter, and she's like, no, I have my principal.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, they're always surprised by the haircut in that episode, too. It happens every season, and yet somehow you just don't know how it's gonna hit you emotionally until you're forced to cut off all your beautiful hair.

[Kate Micucci]

Well, the girls who get their hair cut up never win. Ever.

[Ricky Lindholm]

You know why? Because it's not sexy.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. It doesn't look good. They have beautiful hair.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Like, I want the girl with the haircut like mine.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Like, no way. No. Every guy wants.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, look at this thing. We've got a poster here for the show where Tyra's got nice, long, beautiful hair, and then she makes. Gives weird haircuts to the model.

[Kate Micucci]

She loves men.

[Ricky Lindholm]

She's playing dress up. She's playing dolls with them. She's like, you're gonna kiss a girl, and you're gonna live in the dream house, and you're gonna have no hair and no arm.

[Doug Benson]

All right, well, before we lose. Before we lose every last single one of Adam's male listener with this super.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Oh, two girls are making out. Come back.

[Doug Benson]

Not straight conversation that I'm having. I want to say one thing. I want to bring up that I always bring up whenever I get the chance, is that Garfunkel and Oates is a awesome singing duo. Comedy singing duo. And where the songs are not only hilarious, but they're also pleasant to listen to. And I introduced the two of them. They met because they both came to see me. Do I think it was a Benson interruption at the UCB theater. Yeah.

[Kate Micucci]

First time I'd been to you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ucb.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. So. And then you guys met and hit it off and talked to each other a lot more than I've ever spoken to each of you individually. Yeah. But it worked out good because I get to see both of you all the time together, and I'm so happy about it. And we were at Bumbershoot this last Labor Day weekend, and we were all on Chris Hardwick's Nerdist podcast. And are you guys ready to sing? Oh, yeah.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Can you do it?

[Doug Benson]

So I'd like for your first song, this is one that it goes over big everywhere. And I think that I have a feeling Adam's listeners will really enjoy this, and hopefully they'll all keep their pants on while they listen to it. What's the song called? They don't have to do what you want in the privacy. Your own podcast listening area.

[Kate Micucci]

Exactly. It's called I don't understand job.

[Doug Benson]

Okay.

[Kate Micucci]

About not knowing how to give hand jobs.

[Doug Benson]

Boom.

[Kate Micucci]

About being late bloomers.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. I don't know how to do it. So that's why I like the song, because I'm as confused by it as you guys are. And let's. We got a little backing music that we can start up for you.

[Kate Micucci]

It's like karaoke.

[Doug Benson]

And here it is. Something about hand jobs.

[Kate Micucci]

We made this beat ourselves. That's why it's so awesome.

[Doug Benson]

It is really good. It's like. Reminds me of Gary Newman.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Who's that?

[Doug Benson]

The guy did that song Cars.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Oh, yeah.

[Doug Benson]

Kind of 80s.

[Kate Micucci]

The opening was kind of long.

[Doug Benson]

This part really kicks in. Yeah.

[Kate Micucci]

Hand job.

[Theresa Strasser]

Bland job.

[Kate Micucci]

I don't understand job. I got a problem and I can't contain it I'll use my icky sticky rhymes to help me explain it handy Js are like Stonehenge to me. Robert Stapp can't even unsolve this mystery I'm the messed up child of a baby boomer I was in the gifted class but a total late bloomer Now I got a secret to get off my chest and from kissing the sex but never learned the rest in high school I was in the marching band not learning what to do with my hand While other girls were dripping like a Jackson Pollock I blossom later than Mayim Bialik I'm investigating bones like Deschanel Trying to make it stand up like Dave Chappelle When I stare down the barrel of a semi hard dick I feel more singled out than Chris Hardwick I studied box shocks of rock and Isaac Asimov But I wasn't on the ski bus jerking people off Wouldn't let you touch my chest like your vapor rubbing vixen Let alone deep throat your tricky Dick Nixon I want to learn how to make your water gates flow I'm your sound like Spiro Agnew that I might never know how to HJ your LB John to know less about Dix and Samantha Ronson I should have explored new frontiers like Wil Wheaton But I was more conservative than Alex P. Keaton I've fallen into crisis just like the Dow I want to give a hand job but I don't know how Hand job, land job I don't understand job Do I spit? Do I squeeze? Do I ever touch the top? How can I learn when you always make me stop dance? Now I'm on a full blown investigation to unlock the secrets of ejaculation I need a translator Like I'm reading ballsack to crack the Rosetta Stone over your ball sack the top is the part that confuses me the most it looks like a Silly Putty Pac man ghost Sometimes it's Jello jigglin sometimes it's denser but they all look like a Darth Vader Pez dispenser like Sam Jackson I'm not as good with shaft when it's soft and flabby like President Tack it's like a Deep south queen that you want to make straight Will I make it up if I move it like a Shake Weight? Move it like a Shake Weight Move it like a Shake Weight Now I'm pumping like brakes that aren't anti lock Trying not to go psycho on your Alfred Hitchcock I go a little faster and then I retard it's like a hamster that you don't want to squeeze too hard I'm moving my hand till it gets arthritis I'll Be holding til I get the golden touch of Midas. I think therefore I am getting my day card on till I fully comprehend your Marcia Gay hard on the biggest throbbing question of all. Seriously, what do you do with the ball? Do I roll them like dice? Do I mold em like clay? Do I tickle em like Elmo or throw em like a partay? Do I move em all around or cup it slow? They're like the two ball critic puppets from the Muppet show. Just sitting there cranky and superfluous. How about I don't touch them unless you insist? Hand job Land job. I don't understand job. Do I spit? Do I squeeze? Do I ever touch the top? How can I learn when you always make me stop? This is more dancing usually. How can I learn when you always make me stop?

[Doug Benson]

That's it. Yay.

[Kate Micucci]

Doug. I have to say, I really like the. Your Shake Weight motion.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. I had a bottle in my hand, so I was able to do the Shake Weight. When you see them live, when you see Garfunkel Notes perform live, which you can do at the coming up upright Citizens Brigade November 12th in Los Angeles. Upright Citizens Brigade, UCBtheater.com for more information about that. But when you see them live, you could see them do the Shake Weight motion from the Shake Weight commercial.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Kate Micucci]

It's worth coming to the show just for that.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, that's hilarious and sexy at the same time, which you don't get very often.

[Ricky Lindholm]

It's a pretty smart song for Hand Jos.

[Kate Micucci]

You should have seen us writing it because we wrote a lot of it on an airplane. And I was in the middle seat and Ricky was to the right of me. And this random lady, of course, is to the left. And the poor woman just kept like sighing like, you know, like Ricky's like, no, tell me what is. What is your, you know, what are your biggest questions about giving hand, you know? So we're having a very candid conversation. She would just be like, she probably.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Knows so much more about the American presidents now. Keith's like, can you rhyme ball Zach with ballsack?

[Kate Micucci]

I don't know. It's like the same word.

[Doug Benson]

But they do that in, you know, rap and hip hop all the time now. Yeah, it drives me nuts when this same word I don't have. I don't have a motorboat, but I can float your boat. You just said boat twice. That's not. You're not a great rhymer.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Yeah, you can't.

[Kate Micucci]

Ours is Zach and Sack, so it's a little.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, no.

[Ricky Lindholm]

We got it. It's way better than what the other guys do. Very clever.

[Doug Benson]

But it'd be funny if that lady on the plane, like, if it were a movie, she'd be disgusted for a long time, and then eventually she'd lean over and go, what do you do with the top? Like, she'd suggest something that you put in the song.

[Kate Micucci]

We had that happen, actually. We were writing a song called Running with Chicken, and we were talking about chicken for a good half hour, and finally the man next to me went, you know, you could use the word foul.

[Doug Benson]

That's right. Quit saying chicken when you can drop in a foul.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Right.

[Kate Micucci]

Well, it's called Running with Chicken, based on the movie Precious, based on the novel pushed by Sapphire.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. I think you premiered that song on my Doug Loves Movies podcast.

[Kate Micucci]

That's right.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Oh, my gosh.

[Kate Micucci]

That was totally.

[Doug Benson]

And we played. They had footage of Precious running with chicken and they played it behind you, and the crowd went insane. Yeah, it was fun.

[Kate Micucci]

It's always fun to debut a new song on the stage. But that was especially awesome. That was a. Well, because the song is funny to us and, like, three other people, but the running. Her running with the chicken is really funny. Yeah, we love the song.

[Doug Benson]

It's a fun. There's. Is there a thing. Were you able to use that clip on the Internet? Like, do you have a version of the song on the Internet with that?

[Kate Micucci]

We did on Funny or Die. They just used it and they didn't.

[Doug Benson]

Ask, and so people can look it up.

[Ricky Lindholm]

You could reenact the movie with Lavelle Crawford, put a wig on him, and you could just have your.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, my God.

[Theresa Strasser]

We actually.

[Kate Micucci]

Our handjob video just went up last week. Was it on Funny or Die?

[Doug Benson]

So how graphic is it?

[Kate Micucci]

It's not really. It's pretty cool.

[Doug Benson]

What are you doing?

[Kate Micucci]

No, we have people. So we're on the couch and then doing couch video, and then all of a sudden, the couch and the whole set goes away, and we're in a hip hop video, and it's all these, like, people wearing the masks of the people that we're talking about, like, floating behind us. And it's all one take.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Yeah.

[Kate Micucci]

And then the couch reappears.

[Doug Benson]

Somebody wears a Chris Hardwick mask.

[Kate Micucci]

Yeah, we were hoping to have Chris Hardwick do it, but he was out of town, so.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

All right.

[Kate Micucci]

It would have been funny, though, if everybody was in masks. But then there's really Chris Hardwick, and you guys are.

[Doug Benson]

You have. If you want to find out about when you're coming to their town, they could follow you on Twitter under. It's just Garfunkel Oats.

[Kate Micucci]

That's right. Or garfunkelenotes.com. garfunkelenotes.com is probably even better because we don't do our own website. Someone else does it, so that's always updated. But Twitter, we forget to tweet our shows and stuff.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, Yeah. I wrote to one of you, whoever looks at your Twitter account and I said something to you on it and then you wrote back like eight days later. Yeah, we don't normally check the Twitter account.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Why don't you just call us?

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, I'm on the. Yeah, that's the thing. But I'm on Twitter so much that I just like, I just fire off messages to people without thinking about it.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I used to follow you. You're my first Twitter friend.

[Doug Benson]

What? What do you mean used to?

[Ricky Lindholm]

I got rid of everyone except for Carl's Jr. I had like a bad day.

[Kate Micucci]

Now you just follow Carl's Jr. No.

[Ricky Lindholm]

And then I started adding people because I realized if I don't follow people, no one's gonna follow.

[Doug Benson]

I saw you tweet about this, so I've. So I'm following you because you didn't write back. What do you mean I didn't write?

[Ricky Lindholm]

I wrote act o Benson. Oh, and you didn't write anything?

[Doug Benson]

I didn't retweet it. I might have hit the retweet button.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Oh, you didn't write back to me.

[Kate Micucci]

Just out of curiosity, what does Carl's junior Tweet?

[Ricky Lindholm]

It's about burgers and shit.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Ricky Lindholm]

We've got a new abortion and policies in Washington.

[Doug Benson]

We've got a new great eight dollar burger that's three dollars. Like they're commercials where they talk about two different prices for one burger. It's like, really?

[Ricky Lindholm]

The six dollar burger for 229?

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, that's like, I don't understand.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I wrote to them.

[Doug Benson]

It's got to be still a two dollar burger if that's what you're charging.

[Kate Micucci]

And restaurant burgers are like 13, 14 bucks.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Like, yeah, they're disgusting. And the Carl's JR guy bothers me because he has his voice like the new bacon melon ball lavender for douchebags. Like, why am I not cool enough.

[Theresa Strasser]

To eat those here?

[Doug Benson]

No, no, that was Dawson. I think I waited for you, man.

[Bald Brian]

Our normal voiceover guy sounds just like the car.

[Ricky Lindholm]

So pissed. Like, I'm gonna kick your ass.

[Christian Harlow]

Number four, all bland.

[Doug Benson]

Number three.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Can you say blanche? Job, when you go on the Tonight.

[Doug Benson]

Show, do you have a number two?

[Ricky Lindholm]

I just met you guys.

[Doug Benson]

I think that'd be great for me. All right.

[Kate Micucci]

Actually playing we card on the Tonight show, which I can't believe they're letting us play. Yeah, I don't think we could. The Hand Job song, I don't think would go over.

[Doug Benson]

No, that's not gonna work. There's no amount of. There's no amount of bleeping that would fix that. Because if they bleep every time you say hand job, then it would just be. What is this song even about?

[Kate Micucci]

Yeah, right.

[Doug Benson]

I don't understand Jobs. It'll sound like it's about, you know, people not being able to work.

[Ricky Lindholm]

It should just bleep the H. So it says and job. That still kind of counts.

[Doug Benson]

So we have to. I want you to do one more song, and then we've got some more number two guests coming in. So here. Thank you. Dawson. Here's the. And Bald Brian. Here's the number two song from Garfocle. Notes. I hope this one's cleaner than the last one.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Nope.

[Doug Benson]

Ladies, here we go.

[Kate Micucci]

This is a love song, by the way.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, perfect.

[Kate Micucci]

Yeah. Kate's the man and I'm the girl.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Kate Micucci]

This is a love song for straight people. I got too many questions in my mind and I got too many answers to find Can I give up all I've imagined and I am magical enough for this to happen? Because I like, I like, I like you I like you and like can lead to like like and like like can lead to love sure as the stars above I'd really like to fuss you oh, oh Can I be the man you're looking for? Can I be your girl forevermore? I'll try real hard not to lose her I'll try to be less of a loser Because I like, I like you I like, I like you and like can lead to like like and like like can lead to love sure as the stars above I'd really like to kiss you Kiss you Kiss you Fuck you, Fuck you Because I like you I like you I like you, I like you and like can lead to like like and like like can lead to love sure as the stars above I'd really like to hold you Kiss you Jack you Kiss you Rim you Kiss you, Kill you Kiss you, you. Thank you, Wonderful audience.

[Doug Benson]

That's another song you won't be singing on the Tonight Show.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I thought that was the one you were. I thought you were saying this next song, and I was like, you can't do that.

[Kate Micucci]

Okay, but I did. I actually sang that on the show Scrubs. But. But screw you. They. We change it to screw you.

[Ricky Lindholm]

That's never the same one.

[Kate Micucci]

But I have a wonderful email that's like all the options. I could use alternates, you know, and we weren't allowed to say nail.

[Doug Benson]

Huh.

[Ricky Lindholm]

That's weird.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, I guess. Maybe because it's kind of got a violent.

[Kate Micucci]

Yeah, more forcible.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, yeah. They always queued up. Like I, I had a joke of fingering herself and they maybe change it to pleasuring herself. I was like, that's. That's nice. Let's let her enjoy it more. Instead of just fingering herself, let's let her have pleasure.

[Ricky Lindholm]

You can tell the age of the people that are making the suggestions, like, how about boink you? Or for pot, they're like, how about Mary Jane? I'm like, all right, dad. Obviously those are the guys names, right?

[Doug Benson]

So since this comes out on Friday, tonight, this very night, if you're listening to it on Friday or no, a week from now, October 29th is when you'll be doing the weed song on. That's great. October 29th. That's a few days before California votes for Prop 19.

[Kate Micucci]

That's right.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I thought you say Halloween and like three.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, and three other states are voting too, on different measures about regarding pot. So I'm glad you're going to be on national television doing a weed song on October 29th. And. And like I said before, go to Garfunkel oates.com to. Does the.com have an and in between Garfunkel notes?

[Ricky Lindholm]

Yes.

[Doug Benson]

Okay. Garfunkel and Oates.com. thanks for coming in first and last time, guest hosting. I mean, I don't know. We'll see. It seems to be going pretty good. But let's, let's take another quick break.

[Kate Micucci]

All right, thank you.

[Dawson]

Hey, kitties, it's the ace man. I want to talk to you about the Warner archive collection. 700 Warner Brothers films, TV shows and shorts, all on DVD for the first time. Lost classics from the 20s, they had cameras then. 30s, 40s, cult favorites from the 70s and 80s like the Doberman Gang, Hot to Trot, and my favorite, of course, Bad Ronald. That's right, 1973. What a classic. Made on demand. Each order is filled by actually creating a new DVD for you, the customer. So there's always been that lost classic you wanted to find, that weird cult film that blockbuster never carried. Well, how about this? How about 30% off all Halloween titles through the end of the month. And a special just for my listeners. 5 bucks off when you enter the promo code Adam. So if you like all the old weird campy stuff like I do, then you should check out warnerarchive.com and remember, if you want five bucks off, enter the promo code [e-mail] hey, we're back.

[Doug Benson]

It's Doug Bedson sitting here with Eliza Schlesinger and her adorable dog Blanche and bald Brian. And what was. What was Adam just talking about, Brian?

[Bald Brian]

Warner archive collection.

[Doug Benson]

And like, what would be in that? Like, what's an example of very unlikely.

[Bald Brian]

That there's any movies in there you've actually heard of. They're extremely obscure. But that's a cool thing if you want to actually discover movies. I mean, truly discover. This is a very cool thing. They're sort of a film vaults, if you will excuse the expression, for like Warner movies that never had life on video. So they're fairly obscure, sort of lost to history titles that have found new life on dvd. So go there, maybe you might find one. You're like, oh, I remember that movie. Or oh, I never heard of that movie. And check it out.

[Doug Benson]

Well, like, would. Would schmoes know about this?

[Bald Brian]

Schmoes know these movies, potentially.

[Doug Benson]

That's a smooth ass segue.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I liked it into.

[Doug Benson]

Into the schmoes.

[Christian Harlow]

I didn't even realize you were talking about us. That's how smooth it.

[Doug Benson]

You guys have a lot of website places where people can see and hear your movie reviews, right?

[Christian Harlow]

If it's a free site, we're on it.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah, we just launched the new one. That's the top one that we're working with.

[Doug Benson]

Moznow.com. yes. And I'd like to thank the producers of the Adam Kroll show for making sure that the WWW is there in front of every website in case I want to link to it from this piece of paper. And then. Yeah, and you can also. But you can also see you guys on YouTube and Facebook and you do like funny movie reviews from the perspective of, I mean, you know a lot about movies. You're not just like, just a couple of schmoes. No.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Well, that was the thing is that last time we were on the show, there were a couple of comments that were like, well, what are these? These guys know more.

[Doug Benson]

How.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Who's to say they know more about us? We don't. We're just like, we're just normal people.

[Christian Harlow]

In many cases, we know less.

[Doug Benson]

Exactly.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

The thing is, if you watch Our reviews. And you go, you know what? That's exactly this. That's the way I look at films. And I agree with that. Then you're gonna. You know, you'll agree with us or you won't.

[Christian Harlow]

The film professor, kind of. I'm gonna teach kids. This is what you should have in reason you shouldn't have. If you like it, great. If you don't like it, that's fine.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

And we have guest comedians like Ms. Eliza.

[Christian Harlow]

Occasionally we get Eliza. We're really just using her to get to the dog.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I've been on several times making me feel bad that I have a film degree because I. I've never even seen Back to the Future.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

That's amazing. You should have your film agree taken away.

[Christian Harlow]

How did you get a film degree without seeing Marty McFly?

[Ricky Lindholm]

Yeah, they didn't show it to me in school.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, I don't think it comes up in the curriculum and film classes, but it should. Absolutely. We should write this ship right now.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

That's the thing.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Like, you have to see Bridge at River Kwai, which is, you know, I guess a great movie.

[Christian Harlow]

It does have Sir Alec Guinness in it.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah, it's a great movie, but still.

[Christian Harlow]

Obi Wan Kenobi.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Back to the future for our generation.

[Bald Brian]

Doug wouldn't know that. Doug wouldn't know that.

[Doug Benson]

We already had a conversation in. In the film Vault earlier tonight that I haven't seen. Bridge over the River. Quiet. It's like one of those big movies that I've just never watched. I know the song. I know the whistling. I know the bridge blowing up.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Did you go to film school, though?

[Doug Benson]

Not really. I mean, I took some classes, though, but they always show you, like, you know, film schools all about, like, Battleship Potemkin and stuff like that.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I had to take a class called they Made me because I didn't sign up on time called Disaster Films. And it was a semester of my.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Least favorite genre Shyamalan movies.

[Ricky Lindholm]

No, it wasn't around yet. That's very funny. No, it was like the. The thing.

[Christian Harlow]

Put on your 3D glasses, kids. We're gonna watch the last. There.

[Ricky Lindholm]

The original Poseidon Adventure. It was just. I got a D on my paper because I didn't contrast on compared.

[Christian Harlow]

Compare and contrast.

[Doug Benson]

I remember that would be. Even be like a class. Oh, the guy talking just about disaster movies.

[Ricky Lindholm]

It was a class. You go for three hours, you talk, and then the last three hours, the stoner kids come in and you watch a movie.

[Christian Harlow]

The last.

[Doug Benson]

You talk during earthquake. Yeah.

[Christian Harlow]

The last week of that you must. Okay, kids, we're gonna watch Caddyshack just to make everybody feel a little bit better about what you just experienced.

[Ricky Lindholm]

My term paper on Anaconda. That's how. Bullshit.

[Doug Benson]

There's not enough disaster movies that end with a character saying, everybody's gonna get laid. You know, like, you're right. Caddyshack is the perfect antidote. Journey has never been all that misery. Every disaster film, half of the cast is dead by the end of it. And the ones that are alive are just dazed. Like, just looking around like, I can't believe we survived this. And we might have to be in a sequel to this.

[Christian Harlow]

Speaking of disaster movies, we just got through the worst, maybe the worst summer on. Of summer movies.

[Doug Benson]

It was bad.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Like, that was the thing where you thought you were getting into actually the worst year in movies ever. But, like, I think the fall movies.

[Christian Harlow]

The fall has been good. And thank God for the owl movie, the AL movies. Like, my favorite movie.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

It didn't actually. Didn't do that bad. Didn't do great. But the movie I was expecting, atrocious, but Zack Snyder directed.

[Christian Harlow]

I went in. I was hungover on a Saturday morning. I put on my 3D glasses, and I went to the theater where they're heavy, you know, where they weigh, like, four pounds, where you're wearing headgear. And I loved it for two hours, man. It was all.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

It was, really. It was. You'd be surprised because, like, you literally watch, like. Because we said it, too. You watch it for the first three minutes. You're like, how the hell am I gonna get behind owls?

[Ricky Lindholm]

Look at the sense of wonder when they talk.

[Doug Benson]

It's crazy.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I was happy. I was excited. I was watching Owls and I was like. I was like, oh, my God, this is better. And it was better than Wall street, too.

[Christian Harlow]

Alas, some people watch movies when they're not in class. All right? You're allowed to do it when you're.

[Doug Benson]

Not getting a grade.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Write a paper on that.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Is that the morning I asked you to go and get a pedicure with me?

[Christian Harlow]

I was probably that morning. Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Christian Harlow]

Good morning.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Thank God for the owls.

[Doug Benson]

Who does the voices? Is, like, Ethan Hawke a voice.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Get it?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I think he was. But that thing is, that was the one movie I shut my. I stopped trying to figure out who the actors were.

[Christian Harlow]

The one movie you shut your brain off because you're. You're so astute when you're watching.

[Doug Benson]

Thank you.

[Christian Harlow]

I appreciate that.

[Doug Benson]

Or Elijah Wood, maybe. That's who I met. Really? I said Ethan Hawke is hawk and owls, but Elijah Wood seems like he'd be like the timid or. No, he was the voice of Happy Feet. Right? Yeah.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

And then. Yeah.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Wait, Elijah Wood or Elijah.

[Doug Benson]

That was that one that was.

[Christian Harlow]

Coming back to the conversation.

[Doug Benson]

I want to go all over you now.

[Christian Harlow]

You can't convince me that Liam Neeson did not do a voice in that. I don't know if he did, but I'm. I am certain that Liam Neeson.

[Doug Benson]

Does an owl ever say, I'm going to need you to get under the bed. Then you're going to be taken?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I think I have a very special.

[Christian Harlow]

Set of owl skills.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. Anthony. I could turn my head all the way around. That's it.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Now, Helen Mirren.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Helen Mirin.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

We got another Helen Mirin.

[Christian Harlow]

Hot as an owl, hot in real life.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Ellen Mirren, by the way, was great in red.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Is that about old people?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Well, yeah, you can consider Malkovich, Bruce Willis.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. But it was.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

We're expecting that one again, like that. That was the reason Fall was so good, because he was expecting it to be just shitty, like following up shit with shit. And it wasn't it. That was a fun movie.

[Doug Benson]

Maybe that's why. Maybe I'm not a regular schmo then, because, like, I was. I was disappointed by that movie.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Were you expecting. Did you read the comic book? I see. I didn't. I. I don't know if you were just. I didn't know we disappointed because it was just boring or I just.

[Doug Benson]

Well, I, I have. I. I take a big stand against PG13 action movies because. Because constant mayhem but no bloodshed. So it's like you're getting away with people being murdered left and right, but since there's no blood, it's okay for kids to see it.

[Christian Harlow]

Well, let me ask you about this, because on our website we have a blog about how the. There's a PG13 remake of Alien coming out.

[Doug Benson]

That is the worst idea ever. Alien and blood go hand in hand. It's got to be a bloody and really Scott.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Really Scott is doing it. Which is which? He's made the first one. He should say, guys, it's sticking a rated R because it's fine. Fox makes everything PG13.

[Doug Benson]

Stop.

[Christian Harlow]

Hey, guys, let me have an alien pop out of a chest. But I want to see too much blood. Like, that's what grossetti.

[Doug Benson]

That comes out.

[Christian Harlow]

Scare the kids with the alien popping out of a chest.

[Doug Benson]

Part of what makes it scary is you're about to see something you might not necessarily want to see.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

What's the worst. What's the worst move? PG13 or Winona Ryder and Alien 3?

[Christian Harlow]

That was Alien 4. That was Alien Resurrection. Yeah. Alien 3 was the worst of the three.

[Doug Benson]

Was the Fincher 1.

[Christian Harlow]

Three was the Fincher 1 where she shaves her head and it's awful. With Charles S. Dutton is running around.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Fincher took his name off that movie.

[Doug Benson]

He did? Yeah. Like, if you rent it now, his name's not.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Pretty sure he took it off.

[Doug Benson]

Like, he.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

He just doesn't even do that. Yeah, you can tell a couple YouTube.

[Christian Harlow]

Videos out there floating around. I'd like to take my name off.

[Doug Benson]

I think he should take the name Benjamin Button off of Benjamin Button because that, that does not that. That move. That just sounds too much like a kids thing than this crazy serious movie.

[Christian Harlow]

If you call the Curious Case of Blank, then it's a lot more intriguing.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. Or. Yeah.

[Ricky Lindholm]

The Curious Case of Fill in your own adventure.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

This.

[Doug Benson]

This aging backwards weirdo. Yeah. Just put it all out there in the title. Well, but Social Network. You guys like that, though.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

That movie, I really. That was. That's one of my favorite movies of the year.

[Doug Benson]

For sure. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it all the way through. But now looking back on it, I can barely remember anything that happened. It just seemed like a lot of Jesse Eisenberg being a real smart ass to everybody, man. Which part? Yeah, I deserve some recognition from this forum. Yeah.

[Christian Harlow]

I hated the trailer.

[Doug Benson]

Exactly.

[Christian Harlow]

I thought the trailer was.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

They really paint him as like, you know, I guess the whole point was the fact that he's supposed to be socially awkward. And they say, like, it's based off that book, the Accidental Billionaires. And it's, from what they say, like, maybe 40% accurate. But it's like, honestly, who gives a shit? Because when you were sitting in the theater, I don't know about you guys, when you saw it was packed, I just. You felt the, like, amazement. People were, like, intrigued by what they were watching.

[Doug Benson]

Well, it's fun to see a movie with a bunch of smart characters having smart discussions that, like, it also evolves throughout the movie. Like, it moves on. Like they don't have just. It's not just one central debate, you know, a bunch of things happen. Right? Yeah.

[Christian Harlow]

And I don't really care about movies like 100 accurate. Like, I don't care if JFK actually happened like that. I want to see Donald Sutherland on a park bench telling me about the CIA. I love that scene. I don't care if it ever.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I don't want to Be lied to. Not historically.

[Doug Benson]

Right.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I like accuracy. That's why I didn't like. What was that one about the plot to kill Hitler and what happened?

[Doug Benson]

Valkyrie. That's kind of rough because, you know the other one, you go into the.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Movie, another one where they actually kill him.

[Doug Benson]

Oh.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Oh, glorious bastard.

[Doug Benson]

It's enough with the Hill telling you a story.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I disagree with you there.

[Doug Benson]

That's pretty cathartic, watching Hitler and all the other dudes burn.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

But he's not trying to be.

[Ricky Lindholm]

But neither did glorious Hitler as a vehicle. For your money, it's enough with the Holocaust.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, let's all be quiet about Hitler. Let's just forget it ever happened.

[Ricky Lindholm]

No, no, don't forget. Never forget.

[Doug Benson]

But until that.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Did you love the Jew bear, though? You must have loved him, though, right?

[Ricky Lindholm]

The Jew bear?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah, that was my. Wasn't his name the guy.

[Doug Benson]

She didn't see it.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I didn't see the movie.

[Christian Harlow]

Rock played the Jew bear. There's a Jew. There was a Jewish bear in the movie.

[Doug Benson]

You never saw the movie?

[Ricky Lindholm]

No, I don't.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Commenting on what you read.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I'm a comedian. I don't have to be informed.

[Christian Harlow]

You're a comedian. You have nothing to do.

[Doug Benson]

I was sleeping. That's a very good point.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Yeah, I just. My opinions are so funny on their own.

[Doug Benson]

No, I, like, I. I wanted to. I wanted to. When I heard that the Schmoes were gonna. Now you're Christian and Mark. Mark. Sorry.

[Christian Harlow]

Ellis.

[Doug Benson]

Thank you. Sorry. I didn't say that early. Christian, what's your last name? Harlow. Off. All right, so we got. We got to get that out there. Christian and Mark. But I. I did the research. You know, I was like, oh, the. The Schmoes are going to be on the show with me, so I. I should check them out. And I went to your website, and the first review I pulled up was Red. And a couple minutes into it. These guys like Red too much.

[Christian Harlow]

These guys are.

[Doug Benson]

I can't agree with them. They like Red too much.

[Christian Harlow]

I appreciate the effort.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

That's our point, though. That's the thing.

[Doug Benson]

Everyone should just like what they like. Like my podcast.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Like, I just got attacked full.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, exactly. But you're attacking it for being bad when. Yeah, when A, you haven't seen it, and B, we all love it, obviously, so you're wrong. We're gonna have to ask you to leave. Yeah. Blanche needs you to leave. Yeah. Get lost needs to be walked. But no, it's that I don't want to do a podcast about arguing about movies. Like My podcast. I want to just sit and just say what I have to say about it and then just make a joke and move on. And that's. That seems to be what you guys are going for.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

That's exactly the thing. It's like. Like we're. Who the hell are we to tell you that you're. You're wrong for not liking Red.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

And how. And Elias is not wrong for not loving Hitler and his. And his depiction in motion pictures.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Had she seen it, it would be a better argument.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Yes, fine, I saw it. I didn't like it.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Then fine. In your title's opinion, it's wrong.

[Doug Benson]

I didn't see Valkyrie. I'll admit. I didn't see Valkyrie.

[Christian Harlow]

I haven't seen Valkyrie, and I'd really like to see it just so I can talk to Eliza about it.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

We're going to talk serious.

[Christian Harlow]

Hitler dies at the end of Valkyrie.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I don't know.

[Christian Harlow]

I think Hitler dies in, like, 99% of the movie.

[Ricky Lindholm]

You know, when he does die in real life, and that's always. We have to talk about. Legend has it.

[Doug Benson]

Okay. Legend of the Guardians. Yeah.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

He died in Gahool the Owls.

[Doug Benson]

The movie's all about the owls trying to kill Hitler. Yeah.

[Ricky Lindholm]

One's got a really weird birthmark right here.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, yeah. I mean. And then.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yes. I mean, that's. I guess the Fall in general.

[Doug Benson]

You had like. Did you see Last Exorcism?

[Ricky Lindholm]

I did.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

No, we didn't. That's another point is that we don't see everything.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, No, I don't either. I didn't see that. And I didn't because I was just like. The trailer was appropriately creepy. Yeah. But like. Like a few. A few. Yeah, a few hours of that. I just. I don't need it because I don't. I have no. I have no interest in exorcisms, per se. Like, you know, unless it's a super. Like, that movie's PG13, I think. Right.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I. I saw it because I see every scary movie the trailer is.

[Christian Harlow]

Sometimes we see them together.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Sometimes.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

See, that's the thing. PG13.

[Doug Benson]

Catfish, too. This trailer. Scary. I want to see that.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

See, I didn't see it. I heard it was really good.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I see it with.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I'll see it, but PG13 movie date.

[Doug Benson]

But.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah, well, PG13 and 3D films, those are the two things that I think studios take advantage of the audiences of, because, like, a movie like that movie and a movie like, we were just on my Aliens, both should be rated R. And 3D conversion is clearly to rip off people.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Christian Harlow]

But you know what?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just.

[Christian Harlow]

I just read this, and again, this is a breaking news that's gonna break five days after it happened is that they're not converting the first Harry Potter that's coming out.

[Doug Benson]

They've changed their mind. Yeah. Yeah. I was so thrilled.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Still gonna be the second one, though, but.

[Doug Benson]

What?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah, because they have time to do that one. This one.

[Doug Benson]

The first one. They would have. I didn't know it was a time issue. I thought they finally came to their senses. Like, just adding 3D after you've shot a movie doesn't. Doesn't do.

[Christian Harlow]

They had a bunch of nerds at a computer and they're like, hey, guys, we all have to walk up to the boss and we, dude, we're not going to be able to fit. Do you still get paid for working on the 3D? If they don't use it? If you're like, hey, we really tried. We're not gonna make it.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

What they should do is if you have. They have. Obviously have the technology, use the cameras. I mean, if Jackass can film in.

[Ricky Lindholm]

3D, which is so unnecessary. I saw it.

[Doug Benson]

You don't like having dicks in your face. But here's the thing.

[Ricky Lindholm]

There weren't enough dicks in my face.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I think it sounds like a bar conversation.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Like, there wasn't enough.

[Doug Benson]

Did you see Piranha 3D? Piranha 3D has a good dick in your face, but it's not attached to anyone. Right. And that's 3D.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

That 3D was awful, by the way.

[Doug Benson]

That's conversion.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

No, but it's. Again, if it's shot in the Owls movie, again, referencing nothing. But it was in 3D. That 3D was good.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I think we know the theme of your wedding.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

You can have Alice fly in and give her. And give like.

[Doug Benson]

Like.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Like a Disney movie and put it on Sadie's head.

[Doug Benson]

I heard in the case of Piranha 3D that it was like kind of a theater to theater. Like, some theaters had better 3D others. Yeah, I think that's probably true of all of them. Like, I'm sure there's some places where Avatar looks shitty, you know, but shot.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

In 3D and there's been a lot of live.

[Doug Benson]

I don't like the adding it on. Like, I never. I didn't see Last Airbender because there was plenty of reasons to not see it. But then. But then the added on 3D is just like.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Also, if you wear glasses, it's hard for you. I see better out of one eye than the other. Put the glasses on. And the three.

[Theresa Strasser]

It's too hard.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Century City, they have, like, the sunglasses.

[Dawson]

Those are great.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

And then you go to the grove, and they have, like, those.

[Christian Harlow]

The grove is like headgear.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. It makes me. Yeah, it makes. It pulls your head down the entire time. It's terrible.

[Christian Harlow]

And I believe. I believe the Tron movie that's coming out was filmed in three movies.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

[Christian Harlow]

I mean, I think Hitler dies at the end of Tron, too.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I'm pretty sure that you'll go see it.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Tron. I can't wait for that one.

[Doug Benson]

Tron.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Jews, don't be Harry Potter. And then there was something else came.

[Christian Harlow]

Out of the end of Tron. You're watching, like, oh, really?

[Doug Benson]

Jesus. Well, yeah, they have and is directed by Quentin Tarantino. But you haven't seen the original Tron. I've never seen a while. Good. Do that. Do that.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

We want to see. We did.

[Christian Harlow]

And you can ask this question, Christian, if I'm reviewing Tron and I want to be honest to the fans of how I feel, do I have to see the original Tron?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I think so.

[Doug Benson]

I mean.

[Christian Harlow]

Because Doug says no.

[Doug Benson]

I don't know.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I think because it's gonna be so shitty. It's gonna be like watching Crawl again or something. Right.

[Doug Benson]

Like. But I think, like, in the case of this movie. Let me in.

[Christian Harlow]

Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

It's much more enjoyable if you have. Haven't seen the source material.

[Christian Harlow]

Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

And the case of Tron.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Right, right, right.

[Doug Benson]

The technology in the two Tron movies are going to be so wildly different. It's like the whole thing that drove me nuts about the. The prequel. Star wars prequels is that. Is that they have these. Why would they have a lightsaber that comes out of both ends earlier than the More.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But I think.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I think the difference is. I think you think you give Tron a pass because it's like, they didn't have any money to really make it. So now that they have the money to do it, you're like, okay, I get it. With George Lucas. He didn't need to do that. He had the models. The models and the puppets are great. Let's stick with the models and the puppets. And he said jar Jar Binks and.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

People stepping in shit, and I'm out.

[Christian Harlow]

Yeah. But then the empire taking over everything, kind of. And then that, like the civilization crasher, then the technology reduced itself. That's what.

[Doug Benson]

That's what. That's the explanation I get every time. But still, just the fighting style is so much more cutting edge. There's so much more flipping around and stuff. And Yoda. Yoda is like crazy kick ass. And then like a few years later, he's just in a little. Little. He's just in a little hovel in the middle of the swamp, shaking. Next month. That's like. Next month. Yeah, yeah.

[Christian Harlow]

It was a long time. He blew his ACL out during that last move. And if I can just tell Eliza.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Eliza, I'm in a nerd story.

[Christian Harlow]

Eliza, when we go see Tron, we're gonna roll down the window so you and Blanche can breathe.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I feel so attractive right now because this is the nerdiest.

[Doug Benson]

Yes.

[Christian Harlow]

Revenge of the Nerds.

[Doug Benson]

And now they're adding that. Now Lucas wants to add 3D to all the Star wars movies. Converting, converting it. And it won't look that. It won't. It'll just ruin what was awesome.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

It's good. It's like putting that stupid song that he put in. In Jedi in Return of Jedi.

[Kate Micucci]

Worse.

[Christian Harlow]

I love the original song, too. At the end of Return of the Jedi, that was one of my favorite parts of the movie. Was looking forward to the original.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Eliza just died. Just died.

[Christian Harlow]

Eliza spontaneously combusted in the.

[Doug Benson]

Listen, let's, let's. I'd like to tease the fact that the Stitcher extra content. We're gonna stay with the schmoes, Christian and Mark, and we're gonna. No, we're not gonna. No more news. Oh, thank you.

[Ricky Lindholm]

But you want it.

[Doug Benson]

No, I don't.

[Ricky Lindholm]

But then you won't have it.

[Doug Benson]

I don't. I don't know why I need it. I don't need it for anything.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Aliens and lasers and 3D.

[Doug Benson]

That's great. Well, that's. Tell the audience more about what's not going to happen because we're not going to be here. The Stitcher extra content is going to be more chat about movies, more nerding out because Eliza has to take off. But thank you so much for coming and doing the news and should be.

[Christian Harlow]

Wearing a bronze bikini when we come back, everybody.

[Doug Benson]

And we got some. Some plugs for Eliza. She's the host of the weekly news. It's done on Most Tuesdays at 6pm Pacific Standard Time. And you just go to the Stream tv.

[Christian Harlow]

Very funny show.

[Doug Benson]

Check that out.

[Christian Harlow]

I've been a guest.

[Doug Benson]

And you often don't wear pants, right?

[Ricky Lindholm]

I never wear pants in the studio.

[Doug Benson]

There you go. Well, you're hot everywhere you go. Thank you. And then she has an album that you can check out on itunes and all the other ways you get albums called Eliza Lot.

[Ricky Lindholm]

The COVID is on my Facebook page.

[Doug Benson]

There you go. And you could see her at Governor's Comedy Club in tomorrow, Levittown, New York, October 21 through 23. Oh, yeah. So this will be.

[Ricky Lindholm]

It'll be today and tomorrow.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, so that'll be.

[Ricky Lindholm]

And Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

[Doug Benson]

Okay. So, yeah, so the people here this Friday. And then they can run out. So run out to governors, even if you live in another part of the country. And November 1st, Florida International University in Miami, Florida.

[Christian Harlow]

I'm depressed about my own.

[Doug Benson]

I can't believe you're playing FIU and then call it fiu and then let me quickly say, you know, check out Garfunkel and Oates next Friday on Tonight show and Garfunkel Oates.com and then the Schmoes, you can catch their [e-mail] and anything else they need to say.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Schmozno.com, we're working with Comcast now, and that's about it.

[Doug Benson]

And we'll talk to you a little bit more.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

No, they're fandango.

[Doug Benson]

We'll talk to you guys some more. In the overtime on Stitcher. And speaking on behalf of Eliza and the Schmoes and Garfield and Oates and Adam Kroll involved, Brian, mahalo.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And now your Adam Carolla Extra.

[Doug Benson]

Get it on, get it on. This is the Stitcher Extra with Doug Benson filling in for Adam Carolla. And I am here with Mark and Christian, otherwise known as the Schmoes or.

[Christian Harlow]

Schmoes, back for overtime.

[Doug Benson]

Schmoes. No. S C H M O E S K N O W. Nice. Yeah, yeah. And of course, bald Brian is still here. And I just want to say to the regular listeners that we didn't get a chance to play totally topical TiVo trivia for several reasons. On this particular podcast, every time I've been on Adam's podcast, we play the game. And you guys would love it. You Schmoes would love it. Because it's basically about how TiVo. Their descriptions sometimes are a little off and weird and like, you can kind of go, what movie is that supposed to be they're describing? And so how the game works is Dawson the announcer on the show? He'll read the TiVo description. As soon as one of us thinks we know what it is. You say your own name, you go Doug or bronze. And then he doesn't have to say the bald part for time saving and. Or Adam and then you. And then you try to guess what the movie is based on what you've heard. And it's just. It's. It's a great game for movie lovers. And it's. But it's also just very tense that sounds. Because you're just listening to the words.

[Christian Harlow]

And hoping to try one on. You guys. I'll just give you guys a movie description, and then you guys go, okay, we have time.

[Doug Benson]

We could try.

[Christian Harlow]

Ready? Cop from the future goes back in time to save dead wife.

[Doug Benson]

Wow. Everyone, that. Yeah. Time.

[Christian Harlow]

Well, you guys teamed up.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

We both knew it.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, we both knew it.

[Christian Harlow]

And that was in honor of Van Damme suffering but then recovering.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

But I think that was probably a much better description than TiVo.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, that's the trouble is TiVo gets a little weird. Like, they throw in weird facts about people. You know what I mean? Like. Like some movies. What I didn't know. I never knew that, you know, that character was supposed to be a botanist or whatever, you know, they'll throw in the weirdest piece of, like, information from.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Like, deleted scenes that never made the cut.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, well, they just. They're just odd descriptions, but it's fun to play because. Especially because Adam gets so angry. This contest is rigged.

[Bald Brian]

Also, stupid Mike lynch, who gets the descriptions from Tebow, rigs the game and throws in some that, like, only Doug will know. I know it's true. Lynch, don't say that. You. You don't do it, because last time we had Buckaroo Banzai. And after the show, lynch comes up to Doug and he's like, I threw that one in for you, man.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, but. But everyone should know. Buckaroo comedies for Teresa. I throw in, like, you know, documentaries, movies for Ace. Don't throw.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Don't throw.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

A romantic comedy this time. Or a Twilight movie, and he'll go bananas.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You guys want to try one? I have. I have a couple left over.

[Doug Benson]

I wasn't prepared for this tonight, but I have one for you, I think.

[Christian Harlow]

Let's try it to him.

[Doug Benson]

Let's try it. Yeah. An automotive engineer's wife gets a job, job. And he stays home. Brian.

[Bald Brian]

Mr.

[Doug Benson]

Mom from 1983.

[Bald Brian]

It's Mr.

[Doug Benson]

Mom. That auto engineer thing threw me off. I thought. Gung ho. I thought it would be gung ho, too.

[Bald Brian]

Same actor.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. Damn you, Ball.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Brian.

[Doug Benson]

Damn. You didn't know. Michael Keaton should make a third auto industry movie.

[Bald Brian]

He really should, you know.

[Doug Benson]

A trilogy. Was that the only one? I mean, I can have a couple more here. Okay. Yeah, two Dopey dudes. Okay. Schmoz. No, you guys are like a team. Did you go, who got in first? Was that me or.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

You know, I. I don't know. I don't know the answers.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, okay. I'll just guess. Dumb and dumber go back in time.

[Christian Harlow]

Two dopey dudes. Oh, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure from 1989. Yeah, we gotta get Eddie Van Halen in our band.

[Doug Benson]

It's not the same without.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah, we should definitely.

[Doug Benson]

Without Dawson's voice, I could do this.

[Christian Harlow]

For nine hours on a road trip.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah, no, no offense.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, it's. It's really fun. Like, but that's the thing about it, is you have to print out the actual TiVo descriptions.

[Christian Harlow]

Doc. Next time I fly home to Virginia, I'm buying you a ticket, and we can just sit in first class and play TiVo trivia.

[Doug Benson]

Well, you know, I have. I also have a game on my podcast that you guys would probably enjoy if you enjoy that. It's called the Leonard Malton Game. And it's. And I use the Leonard Moulton app, and it's like. It's like Name that Tune, but with. Instead of notes and songs, it's actor names and movie titles. Oh, cool. So you. The two people bid, I tell you a couple clues about a movie, and they'll tell you how many actors are listed. And he lists them in order in the order they were billed, but he'll list, like, 10, 15 names for most movies. And then you bid back and forth, like, I can name it 10, I can name it 9. Then when somebody says, name that movie, I read the actors names from the bottom up, and they're always very obscure. And sometimes. But sometimes it'd be like a famous person that was like, their first movie role or, you know, like, there's little weird clues, but it's really hard to play. It's really hard game, like, especially when people are put on the spot. Yeah. You know, because we do my podcast in front of a live audience, so it's like really being on a game show and having to. Having to come through. But it's a lot of fun to play, too. And that's another thing I want to play with Brian and Anderson on their Film Vault show. Yeah, Brian.

[Christian Harlow]

Brian's a ringer, but, I mean, Brian and I made eye contact when we both answered the bill and Ted, and there was a bit of a. There's some tension in there. That was good.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. I should have waited longer. Competitor 2 Dopey dudes wasn't enough. Really. I kind of jumped in too fast on that one because there's a lot of movies with two dopey dudes. Could have been Ishtar, could have been two dopey dudes try to write songs. But just really quickly, we were going to mention that it looks like Peter Jackson and the Hobbit 3D is really happening.

[Christian Harlow]

Finally happening.

[Doug Benson]

It's all coming together.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I just found out about the 3D stuff. They're shooting it in 3D, which know we're all fans of actually shooting it in 3D and not converting it. But what. What I was surprised about is MGM was in such a disaster and they didn't know what was going to happen with it. I guess Warner Brothers said, look, let's get this made. We want to make billions of dollars.

[Doug Benson]

And let's get this movie just a slight. Even if it was bad, like, let's say he made. Like he just made Lonely Bones 2 and called it the Hobbit. It would be. It would be huge. It would make 200 million people. Wouldn't tweet fast enough to get all the nerds from not seeing it the very first day.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

It's the truth. You want to see Gandalf, you want to see all those characters.

[Christian Harlow]

But this goes back to the Star wars conversation where the stuff, you know, like Ian McKellen is going to play Gandalf again.

[Doug Benson]

It's great.

[Christian Harlow]

Isn't he gonna look a lot? Doesn't he supposed to look younger? Because the holiday is like a generation.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

He can be 7,000 years old. You wouldn't know. He's not gonna be do. He's gonna be doing the same. That's the difference. He's gonna be doing the same crap that he does in the following movies.

[Christian Harlow]

What if not flipping around.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Fighting Palpatine.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. And they'll make him look the know. He won't necessarily look the same. Look older. You know, like, if even McKellen's a little bit more feeble, they'll. The special effects in the. In all the Lord of the Rings movies are so. It's so crazy how, like, who's that one huge actor that plays the little dude?

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Andy Circus.

[Doug Benson]

No, the, you know.

[Christian Harlow]

Oh, oh, yeah.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah. The guy from, you know, the Indiana Jones movies. Yeah, yeah. Like. Yeah, Sully from India Jones. He. He's so small in that movie. Like, it's so weird. Like, like in. Also in Social Network. It's so funny that there's this amazing special effect through the whole movie of the same guy playing twins, but it's not showy at all. It's just that, you know, but it's like every time those guys are in a scene that's a complicated special effect scene.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Exactly what Peter Jackson did well in that movie. He combined special effects with models and stuff like that. Made it about the film and the characters and not just about. Let me make this look cool.

[Doug Benson]

Cool. You know, and. Exactly.

[Christian Harlow]

I still, I mean, I'm still a Star wars guy. Over Lord of the Rings though.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

One Phantom Menace over Lord of the Rings.

[Christian Harlow]

I, you know what? I like lightsabers and I like explosions.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

You would take Phantom Menace over Lord of the Rings.

[Doug Benson]

That's crazy talk. That's like talk that, like people wanted some extra stitcher content. They didn't need to hear that.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

No. Yeah.

[Doug Benson]

What a horrible notion to end up on. The Phantom Menace is better than anything.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Yeah, exactly. Maybe Betty and Frederick, Freddy got fingered and that's it.

[Bald Brian]

The Phantom Menace is better than the Phantom Menace and kicking the nuts. You know what I'm saying?

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Christian Harlow]

It's not as good as the 78 animated Christmas special with Boba Fett's first appearance.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

I love you call him Baba.

[Christian Harlow]

What do you.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

That's. I know. It's the nerd way to do it.

[Doug Benson]

He calls that. He calls that who song. Bobo O'Reilly Bob a fetch.

[Christian Harlow]

I call Bob O'Reilly teenager waistline, like I'm supposed to.

[Doug Benson]

All right, thanks, Schmozno. Schmoznow.com awesome to meet you guys and talk to you guys. Keep up the good work, bald Brian. Thanks, Brian. Stitcher content for Adam Corolla. Mahalo.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was your Adam Corolla extra.

[Doug Benson]

All right, this Adam K Show 432. Coming up next we have Adam K Show 440 guest host Greg Fitzsimmons. The this time with his buddy Mike Gibbons along with Teresa Strasser.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Brian bishop, also from 2010.

[Doug Benson]

Check it out. This is the Adam Carolla show.

[Mike Gibbons]

Adam's on the road promoting his new book.

[Doug Benson]

In 50 years we'll all be chicks. So today it's a special election episode with guest host Greg Fitzsimmons. Helping Greg analyze the results is the best election team on the Internet. Late night comedy consultant Mike Givens, bald Bryan and author of Exploiting my Baby, Teresa Strasser. And now the Author of Dear Mrs. Tales of Redemption from an Irish Mailbox. In stores next week, Greg Fitzsimmons.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Welcome to election 2010. That's right, Greg Fitzsimmons sitting in for the great Adam Carolla who's off shilling some bullshit product, not sure what it is. Tonight we're going to take a look at the election from a very different point of view. It's probably over by the time you're listening to this. So we are going to cover it from the angle of comedy. Who won? Who lost? Not for their party, Republican, Democrat, but for comedy. For instance, very simple. Who are we looking for to win? Who's the biggest laugh in this? Already the breaking story, the big loss. Comedians everywhere.

[Doug Benson]

Drama.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Drinking more than usual. In Delaware, the great late Christine o' Donnell losing out to Chris Coons. How? How does something like this happen? How when a candidate so ripe to make us all laugh through the mouths of drunken yuckelfest clubs. Why? Why does it have to happen like this? Theresa Strasser.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, I know it's hard. I know it's a tough pill to swallow. But maybe if we just take a look back at some of the magic moments that she's given us so far. And also maybe if that. I think it will only be a matter of days before Fox hires her as an analyst. Right. So you'll have her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fox News has been a godsend to comedy everywhere. And tonight we're gonna take a look at how Fox News, how the Tea Party, how the different forces at work. Conspiracy theorists say that comedians pool their money and support these groups that hoist comic fodder at all of us. But no, I'll tell you how it happens. It's you, the voter, America. You like funny shit, so you put people into office. People like, well, Rand Paul, this is huge for comedy tonight. His father, of course, Ron Paul losing in the presidential race two years ago. But now, Rand Paul and Mike Gibbons give us a little bit of a rundown on Rand Paul's qualifications. For now, he is the new governor of the state of Kentucky.

[Mike Gibbons]

What do you want to know? I mean, I just know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Thanks. Mike Gibbons, he's an eye doctor.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, the best thing is he calls himself.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Turn off his mic. Turn off Mike Gibbons mic.

[Mike Gibbons]

Can that happen here?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Here's how it works.

[Mike Gibbons]

Don't do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We're gonna look at the top comedy markets. New York, California, Phoenix, Arizona. These are where the biggest are. Nevada. Nevada. Las Vegas, of course. And look, going over to Nevada right now, what's happening with Sharron Angle, Teresa Strasser.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, Sharon Angle is still neck and neck with Harry Reid, of course, the Senate majority leader. It's a little too early call, but share an angle.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How can you be neck and neck with a guy whose neck hangs down to his belly?

[Theresa Strasser]

That's a very good question.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What is this fucking yucko at the sound effects board tonight?

[Theresa Strasser]

How about the fart sound? How about you leave the joking to Adam? Okay, Theresa Sharon Angle is fun for many reasons. One, she does not believe in the separation of church and state.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You mean there's supposed to be one.

[Theresa Strasser]

Apparently that's right there. You brought the Constitution with you. You showed it to me earlier. It's right in your pocket.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

First Amendment, separation of church and state.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah. It specifically doesn't actually use that phrase. Most people understand that. That's what it means.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'd like to see a separation of church and rape because from what I've read about the Catholics this year. Mike Gibbons, please talk into the microphone. And without a Budweiser, I thought it was off.

[Mike Gibbons]

You know, this is the thing, it's an old school trick, but I mean, Democrats should have almost funded these wackos and get them like o' Donnell should be in office. It could only help two years from now. It's the old. When the Republicans actually funded Jesse Jackson, they wanted Jesse Jackson to be the face of the Democratic Party.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When did Johnny Sirius come into the studio? We're not talking about the Republican.

[Mike Gibbons]

I'm one beer down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who's good? Who's good for comedy? That's. We're talking about Sharon Angle. Why?

[Mike Gibbons]

She's all better now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She can't tell the difference between a Latino and an Asian. Can we hear the clown clip? Perfect.

[Theresa Strasser]

It's coming.

[Mike Gibbons]

It is kind of hard.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I guess they were busy hitting the fart sound.

[Ricky Lindholm]

And, you know, I don't. I don't know that all of you are Latino.

[Theresa Strasser]

Some of you look a little more Asian to me.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I don't know that. What we know about.

[Theresa Strasser]

What we know about ourselves is that.

[Kate Micucci]

We have a melting pot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, okay, we got it. We got the clip. There we go. What, What. What happened to the Adam Carolla show? I. I always look at this as the flagship where there's a phone ringing in the background.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah. If Adam freak out about the phone. Well, that's part of the charm.

[Mike Gibbons]

Filipinos look Hispanic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They do. And some claim they are. Actually, Filipinos will claim that they're not Asian.

[Mike Gibbons]

I think it's. I'm giving her credit on this one. I think it's confusing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It depends on what college you're applying to. It's easier to get into college as a Latino, so that's the direction they're going in.

[Bald Brian]

Okay, so I'm not the only one hearing that. But that Bong sound in the background.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There is a bong sound.

[Doug Benson]

Is it buzzing?

[Mike Gibbons]

Does it coincide with the clock hitting the minute mark?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, but that's drowned out by the phone ringing.

[Theresa Strasser]

There is a phone ringing and a buzzing. Also a bong sound.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I didn't hear that.

[Mike Gibbons]

When they turned up the volume on the YouTube.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I didn't hear that because the clip was still running from earlier.

[Bald Brian]

You guys hear the voice telling you to kill everyone?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Brian, stop. He's giving us the wrap up. Sign it Get. It's starting to hit home. Here's the question tonight.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Can America survive on the candidates we've been provided by? This election we've got. In New York State, we had an opportunity for so many great punchlines. We had, of course, Jimmy McMillan, who's the. Who is the poster boy for funny in this election? Can we hear a quote from Mr. McMillan? Is he.

[Mike Gibbons]

My main job is to provide a.

[Doug Benson]

Roof over your head, food on the table and money your pocket. This is politics as usual, playing a silly game and it's not going to happen. The Rent Too Damn High movement. The people I'm here to represent can't afford to pay their rent. They're being laid off right now as I speak. They can't eat breakfast, lunch or dinner. Listen, someone's stomach, child stomach just growled. Did you hear it?

[Theresa Strasser]

Or that phone? Or was that the bong? I heard something. Was it a buzz?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I can hear growling. Whose stomach? Comedians all over Thornton.

[Theresa Strasser]

Hungry without Jimmy McMillan. Although now the Rent's Too Damn High was fun and everyone liked it. And then you dug a little deeper and guess whose fault it was that the Rent too high. I'll give you one guess.

[Doug Benson]

Go. Who?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The white man.

[Theresa Strasser]

Close.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Keep going.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Cuomo.

[Theresa Strasser]

Somebody whose fault things usually are. Thank you. Bang.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that what he said?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, that's true.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

I think he was. He was a little upset about the Jewish.

[Mike Gibbons]

I thought that's just assumed. It's dangerous when you say it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Theresa Strasser]

Just assume that it goes without saying.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When you say the man. Come on.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

It's the Jew man.

[Mike Gibbons]

Like the gold man.

[Doug Benson]

The Goldman.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The Goldman.

[Theresa Strasser]

The gold man.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So also losing out. And this would have been a, you know, a close second for comedians. Paladino, the gentleman who had horse porn on his computer.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah. He was sending out some bestiality porn. Which a guy now, at first I liked when he first came out. It's kind of crazy. Went after a reporter for the New York Post. For saying something about his daughter. And he kind of stepped to the guy, and I thought, Fitzsimmons, that you of all people would appreciate it. He seemed kind of to have a fighter.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Absolutely.

[Theresa Strasser]

And then he kind of started talking about the gay pride parade being disgusting, and I sort of lost interest.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, still a fighter to me, though. To me. One of the great, great opportunities for comedy, though. I mean, a guy whose name is Paladino, Horse sex palomino. I mean, the jokes are writing themselves.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, I'm against gay parades. Is he against gays or just gay parades?

[Theresa Strasser]

He said he found the gay parade disgusting.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, I'm with him on that.

[Theresa Strasser]

But he sends out horse porn as.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The great Steve Sweeney. And Boston said, can we compromise? Yeah, I bring Mike along because halfway through each thought, he cuts me off.

[Mike Gibbons]

I was middle of the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Isn't it great? So, like this great Steve Sweeney said, and I tried to say, can't we just compromise and let them skip in the parade?

[Theresa Strasser]

I see instead not march.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, funnier if Johnny fucking premature punchline over here. Go ahead.

[Mike Gibbons]

You interrupted my horse porn parade.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I did, yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. They're all over the country and I'm against them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Horse porn parade.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Not gay, though. It's. That's the. That's the important part.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Also leaving the jokes to Adam. Also losing out on the New York race. How about former Governor Spitzer's madam?

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The man who. Whose. Whose penis was put into so many different prostitutes mouths. How can she not provide a solid? 4 years of comp comedy and Spitzer losing him. We're still reeling from a guy who is coming in women's mouths, and his name is Spitzer. I mean, how do we recover?

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, we were just discussing your friend and I, that Elliot Spitzer was actually. He was. His popularity was around 60% when he was elected governor and he had been attorney General. He was actually an incredibly good governor. He busted all these Wall street guys. He was all over AIG and Merrill lynch, and then he just. He engaged enemies with unlimited resources, and they.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you're saying he pissed off the Jews? Just say it, Teresa.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, some people think he was gonna be the first Jewish president.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Unbelievable. How could he turn on his own? So now we have the most boring.

[Theresa Strasser]

I know he kind of did.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

Some of those Wall street guys, he went after Cuomo.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's funny about Cuomo? His father was governor. He's dressed down, he's good looking, he doesn't fuck around.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh. Although actually, Paladino sort of insinuated that he does fuck around at some point.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, definitely. Cheated on his wife.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, when we come back, a lot of races just coming in now. As I look on the board, we've got Alabama Always funny. But before we do, we're gonna take a break for commercial so that Adam Carolla can explain to you how to spend your money.

[Dawson]

Ah, yes, Stitcher. You know why I love Stitcher? Because I love me. And if you download Stitcher, then you get me and you get me for free. And you get Stitcher for free. It's a free app or free show, and it's a free country. God bless America. You go to stitcher.com you toss it in your iPhone, your BlackBerry, Android, and Palm, and then you get the show free whenever you want it, whenever you need. Slides right in. It's magic. No more downloading, no more syncing. The show will be on your phone, fresh and ready, like muffins straight from the oven. Every morning, we're working with our good friends at Stitcher to get you our content as quickly and easily as humanly possible. Also, you can hear some bonus footage of the show that's exclusive to Stitcher. So what do you do? Not much. Just go to stitcher.com. that's Stitcher.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Welcome back to the Adam Carolla show. And don't forget, don't get so caught up in being done with listening to it that you forget to go to the Stitcher extra content. This is gonna be me. The real election. My book, Teresa Strasser's book, and Adam Carolla's book.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The Real Election.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah. I think Adam's book is the incumbent. And maybe, you know, I'm. I don't know, like the mama grizzly or something.

[Bald Brian]

You have a tea party.

[Doug Benson]

Tea.

[Theresa Strasser]

I'm a tea party. Thank you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think the tea party's over, too. Cause dear Mrs. Fish Fitzsimmons is emerging as the front runner.

[Theresa Strasser]

And that comes out this week.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It does. On November 9th. You can go to fitzdog.com.

[Theresa Strasser]

We'Ll hear more about it on Stitcher.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But now let's hear more about the election.

[Mike Gibbons]

From Corolla One Studios election 2010.

[Dawson]

Headquarters, where Donnie keeps his bong. An election update with political analyst Teresa Strauss.

[Theresa Strasser]

That was nice. Thank you. Mike Dawson. Republicans are riding a wave of voter dissatisfaction with the state of the economy to win major control of the U.S. house of Representatives in Tuesday's midterm elections. While Democrats poised to retain their majority in the Senate results are still coming in. There are a few things we don't know. But here is what we know so far. As we mentioned earlier, Tea party backed Republican Rand Paul in Kentucky. Kentucky is victorious.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fantastic news for the comedians.

[Theresa Strasser]

That's good. You say.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I say it.

[Theresa Strasser]

However, Democrat Chris Coons already the projected winner over Republican Christine o'. Donnell.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And that's with her party. That's with losing the entire black vote with his name.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, you think Coons.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I wouldn't have said it again. Coons makes it more offensive.

[Theresa Strasser]

It's the man's name.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We're talking about the Jews tonight.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, if we can, let's take a look back at some of the magical moments brought to us by Christine o'. Donnell. I think first, what we first learned about her was that way back when she won Bill Maher's show with her take on masturbation. She was against it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, she would be against me while I was masturbating.

[Theresa Strasser]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I would enjoy that.

[Mike Gibbons]

I used to promote those shows for ABC Politically Incorrect. And he had her on as he's shown the clips very, very often because she was an amazing guest and he actually would thank her at the end of the shows often for coming on and being such a good sport because she would get pounded on there like everyone would just scream at her. And she just kept coming on and being a good guest. So it was like, it was interesting. And we would cut her craziest parts and put them in the promos. It was easy shooting fish in a barrel.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think we have more extra content for what's that site? Stitcher, Stitcher.

[Theresa Strasser]

Let's take a listen to Christina O'. Donnell. This was part of the MTV anti masturbation campaign from the the 90s.

[Kate Micucci]

My name is Christine O'.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Donnell.

[Theresa Strasser]

I am the President and founder of the SALT.

[Kate Micucci]

The SALT stands for the Savior's alliance for lifting the truth.

[Theresa Strasser]

We choose sexual purity in our lives.

[Ricky Lindholm]

We have God given sexual desires and.

[Kate Micucci]

We need to understand them and preserve them to be used in God's appropriate context.

[Theresa Strasser]

We need to address sexuality with young.

[Kate Micucci]

People and masturbation is part of sexuality.

[Ricky Lindholm]

But it is important to discuss this.

[Doug Benson]

From a moral point of view.

[Kate Micucci]

Masturbation is a selfish act and it's a lustful one. And we are to walk with pure hearts, not adulterous lusting hearts.

[Ricky Lindholm]

The Bible is clear in the fact that it says that any sexual act.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Outside of the realm of marriage is wrong.

[Theresa Strasser]

The Bible says that lust and your.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Heart is committing adultery so you can't masturbate without lust. The reason that you don't tell them.

[Kate Micucci]

That masturbation is the answer to aids and all these other problems that come.

[Theresa Strasser]

With sex outside of marriage is because, again, it is not addressing the issue.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The answer to aids. You don't hear that phrase often enough.

[Theresa Strasser]

No, you don't.

[Mike Gibbons]

And Magic Johnson has it, whatever it is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The magic answer.

[Mike Gibbons]

The answer, yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, you thought he had. He moved good on the paint, but really.

[Mike Gibbons]

And I think it's carbs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, he was.

[Mike Gibbons]

I can see.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And. And movie theater popcorn, which is a carb.

[Mike Gibbons]

An expensive, expensive coffee for poor people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I believe that masturbation actually is the best thing for marriage because. Does your. Doesn't your wife need a break, Theresa? Don't you need a break? Aren't you happy when your husband masturbates?

[Theresa Strasser]

I don't think I know about it. Well, I've only been married two years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jesus Christ.

[Mike Gibbons]

I doubt he does.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My wife knew on the wedding night. All right, more news, Theresa.

[Theresa Strasser]

Okay. Well, then. Christina o', Donnell, of course, was terrorized.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bill.

[Theresa Strasser]

By Bill Maher. Playing clips of her. Every week, he would release a clip, and the most famous of which being.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're not really gonna play another. We got. We got 50 states to get to. What's our next news? Come on.

[Mike Gibbons]

I'm just saying goodbye.

[Theresa Strasser]

I'm rattled.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, here's. Here's the thing. I'm dying. I'm dying right now that we lost her. But what about. What about the wins? What about.

[Theresa Strasser]

I'm getting green. I'm getting to that. You want to talk about who?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Alvin Green, the gentleman who. Speaking of masturbation.

[Theresa Strasser]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

South Carolina.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yes. I don't know anything about him. I was. I was moving on to Blumenthal. He's the guy who said.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That would be Al Green. Paul Bryan, you are inspired.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, that's nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And a reverend, by the way.

[Theresa Strasser]

Democratic Attorney General Richard Blumenthal will Defeat Republican Linda McMahon, the former professional wrestling executive, for the Senate seat held by retiring Democrat Chris Dodds. Now, Blumenthal ran into some trouble when he mentioned serving in Vietnam, which he did not. And Linda McMahon is Linda McMahon, and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She is the daughter of Vince McMahon.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So is it possible she was told to take a dive on this?

[Theresa Strasser]

She had to be the bad guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think when she wore the mask, I smelt something funny going on at.

[Theresa Strasser]

This election, as you mentioned earlier, Paladino Palomino. Palomino is no more. But let's take a moment, because I think we all. I think New Yorkers like passion, right? But maybe when it turned angry, it freaked people out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We want it right up to the edge. If you go over it, you are out of the election. Let's hear it. When it goes over the edge. I have a daughter.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

You brought it out, Fred.

[Doug Benson]

That's it. Stay away from me. What evidence do you have? Listen. All right, guys, easy. Come on. Hey, men doing that. Do you have any evidence for the charge you made? At the appropriate time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You'll get it.

[Doug Benson]

This guy's the attorney general. He's New York. And you're his stalking horse. You're his stalking horse.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're his bird dog.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

You sent another goon to my daughter's house.

[Doug Benson]

I'll take you out, buddy.

[Theresa Strasser]

I'll take you out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Maybe he meant for a cup of coffee so we can discuss it.

[Theresa Strasser]

I hadn't thought about that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That the press will run away with these things. So there we go. I mean, how great would that have been? How great is it when. I mean, first of all, obviously, in the California gubernatorial race and gubernatorial is such a great way.

[Theresa Strasser]

It's fun to say, isn't it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because you've got governor. Why not governor race? Because we can add two syllables, right? We all lose because we're losing a mildly retarded ex action movie star. So it doesn't matter who wins. I mean, well, it depends on early on in his gubernatorial ship.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, if you're speaking about the California gubernatorial, it looks like Whitman is going to be defeated by Brown. That's what it looks like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, that's not bad. What do you think, Mike Gibbons? Is that good or bad for comedy?

[Mike Gibbons]

I think it's good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why?

[Mike Gibbons]

I wasn't listening.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is amazing. He literally sits on the ring.

[Mike Gibbons]

What do you think about Alvin Green?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he texts.

[Theresa Strasser]

But what did you learn about Alvin Green?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Kill his mic.

[Mike Gibbons]

Alvin Green can't do it here. They can't do it here is my favorite studio. Alvin Green is obscenity charges for showing there it is showing pornography to, first of all, to a University of South Carolina student. I was hoping at least it said like South Carolina high school student. Like. Well, I don't understand exactly what the charge.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They have colleges in South Carolina.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's a good one.

[Doug Benson]

That.

[Mike Gibbons]

That is good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's move on. Teresa, who else are we talking about now? California. We've got. Forget. Forget the gubernatorial race.

[Theresa Strasser]

You want to talk about the props. Everybody wants to talk about Prop 19. Unfortunately. Unfortunately. Results not in yet. It was trailing in the polls earlier today.

[Doug Benson]

I don't know where did for you, man.

[Theresa Strasser]

I know, but when was it? I know Mike voted.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When's the last time you saw pothead get to something on time, of course they're gonna trail early on.

[Theresa Strasser]

Hadn't thought about that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I've been canvassing all day. I've been to Arby's, I have been to surf shops. I went to the abortion clinic.

[Theresa Strasser]

So you think the what? The abortion clinic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah. Very often while you're used to meet somebody, you forget to put a condom on when you're baked.

[Mike Gibbons]

You forget to even hug up. I think it's a good. I think it's good. It's like condoms.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, my control. What do we think? What do we think? Pot. You can't get any better. An audience filled with potheads that are high is going to be good for comedy.

[Theresa Strasser]

What do you think, Mike?

[Mike Gibbons]

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know on that one. It's almost like. I'd rather not, Mike.

[Doug Benson]

I like. I like.

[Mike Gibbons]

Medical marijuana is. Is unaffected by this, by the way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right.

[Mike Gibbons]

So medical marijuana legal. It's. And that's enough. Almost. I think. I think this is a joke, Bob.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Brian, do you smoke met marijuana?

[Bald Brian]

No, but I should.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Why don't you?

[Theresa Strasser]

I just came into some.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Was it easy to get?

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, the guy. Well, I work on now on AM radio on KABC with a guy named Peter Tilden and he and a columnist from the LA Times named Steve Lopez did a story with the city Attorney general, Carmen Trutanich, where they smoked pot with cops under supervision. And then they did a driving test to see how poorly they would drive high. And, you know, obviously they perform poorly. However, the proposition isn't saying we should smoke pot and then drive. It's illegal to drive impaired before Prop 19, and it would be illegal to drive impaired.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where's the control group of people that are getting high and taking a driving test without a cop?

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, that's a good point. So you think the cop changes the experiment and makes you an even worse driver?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Absolutely.

[Bald Brian]

Like, if you see.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

The lights in your rearview mirror, you're on point. You know what I'm saying?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's. Why don't we test people on their learner's permit? Why not put blue and reds in the rearview mirror?

[Theresa Strasser]

I see. Yeah. Just to mirror a real life situation.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice pun.

[Theresa Strasser]

Thank you. Accidental.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Speaking of, accidental abortion in a couple of states has become a big issue. Number one, I want to get a clip played and I'm not cutting off your news, but I want to tackle abortion.

[Theresa Strasser]

I'm just here, I'm just Here to do what I can.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're doing a lot. You already came into some pot, which.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you.

[Doug Benson]

So.

[Theresa Strasser]

So the guy, you know, had to buy pot for this experiment and he bought some train. Train Wreck was the name of it.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, the names are great.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah. The names are Blockhead and Train Wreck.

[Mike Gibbons]

Couch lock.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Simple Jack. Yeah, yeah, Simple Jack's a great one.

[Theresa Strasser]

You know, a lot of these, I.

[Mike Gibbons]

Get sneak attacked on them. My brother in law will occasionally when we go to a movie, I'm like, I, I can't. I have to follow the movie. Don't get me so stupid because I'm a big lightweight.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I smoke Sneak Attack once.

[Mike Gibbons]

We'll smoke it. And we go in there and all of a sudden I'm staring at my thumb for the whole first ten minutes like, what was it? He's like, it's a Simple Jack.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

That was the movie in Within a movie in Thunder.

[Doug Benson]

Thunder.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And this would be the thought within the thought of the thought.

[Doug Benson]

That's right.

[Bald Brian]

That's like Inception.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah. So I knew he had some leftover pot, but it's, you know, it's a little awkward to ask your co worker, hey, so you know, do the cops like take the rest of your pot or do you just take it home?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You got it.

[Theresa Strasser]

I'm in possession of it. But I'm kind of scared to smoke it because I'm also a lightweight. And also, let's face it, I like pot. I'm not mad at pot, but I really enjoy an opiate, really more than anything, you know, or a nice Xanax.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, especially during abortions. And speaking of which, there were several, several, several big abortion issues brought up in this election. Number one, and this is my favorite and by favorite, abortion is very funny because it's one of those topics people.

[Theresa Strasser]

Don'T talk about apparently. Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It just, it's comedy is about relieving the tension of things. So in this election we saw abortion. Talked about my favorite. I was in Florida this past weekend and I'm watching the ads on TV and this is an ad that the rest of the country didn't see because. Because it was state senate race. And this is between a woman named Elizabeth Beniquisto and her opponent Kevin Raider, who's the Democrat.

[Theresa Strasser]

Just both of those sound like pot names.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, without a doubt, the rest of this show will all sound potty. And that's why I'll try the Raider. I'm not.

[Theresa Strasser]

That's a good body high.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm not sure, if I want this going through. Because anyone can be funny now. If everyone's high, it cuts the comedian out.

[Mike Gibbons]

You think so? That was my point. That was my point about California. I don't think so. I think it's too over the top.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So in Florida, I'm watching these ads, and there's a woman who now Benaquisto, who is pro life, and her opponent said, if you vote for her, you will lose your rights to have choice. Her response to this, which had nothing to do with rape, was this.

[Ricky Lindholm]

I've suffered what no woman ever deserves or can ever find. Forget when I was 19, I was raped. And until now, I've dealt with this privately.

[Theresa Strasser]

But my opponent, Kevin Raider, is exploiting.

[Ricky Lindholm]

This crime, suggesting that I wouldn't stand up for other victims.

[Theresa Strasser]

I will never stand down when any.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Woman has been abused. I just won't. You don't get it, Mr. Raider. I live with this every day, and I'm not alone. And you, sir, have crossed a line.

[Theresa Strasser]

You will never understand. Hmm. Here's why I like that. Because if you're gonna get raped, that's horrible. But why not exploit it for political gain? You've already suffered one of the most brutal, painful violations you can have. Why not use it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Exactly. I think it's like going to jail for stealing something and then you do your time, you come out, and you don't possess the thing that you did the time for.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yes, that's so true.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I feel like I don't. Let's check on her. I mean, we're gonna do some research and see how our good friend Benaquista is doing in the state senate race.

[Theresa Strasser]

I wonder how that can commercial went over because I really. The minute that I'm Not a Witch commercial came out, I'm you. I thought, I don't want you to be me because I'm not that smart. I don't want to feel that I could hang out with you and we'd be equals. Yeah, I don't feel that way about Obama. I feel like he knows things.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, you don't hang out with black people.

[Mike Gibbons]

Also, you're paying for airtime.

[Theresa Strasser]

I hang out with Isaac Hayes.

[Mike Gibbons]

You're paying for airtime to literally state you're not a witch in the year 2010.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

I mean, that's the worst thing ever.

[Theresa Strasser]

I mean, Isaac, even from heaven or wherever you are, you knew that Christine o' Donnell was way off base with that ad.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And also, Isaac, don't you feel that abortion, that rape is like Teresa Said a card that you should play sometimes.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right. But in this case, it was the time to play the card.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, the other person playing the abortion card, which is where this all started, was our good friend and very funny on many, many counts from Nevada, Sharon Engel.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, yes. She's against.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Explain her stance on abortion.

[Theresa Strasser]

It's pretty hardcore. She does not believe she opposes abortion, even in cases of rape and incest.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Which I support a woman's right to have abortions. As a matter of fact, I encourage it. But I think if you're gonna be against abortion, shouldn't you be against. Against all abortion? Because if you go, except in the case of rape or incest, aren't you saying to the child that is killed, you are guilty of not having been the product of rape or incest?

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, you're saying the word child so people would have trouble with your argument right there.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, if you're saying that if it's rape or incest, then you kill the child. Right.

[Mike Gibbons]

You keep saying that word.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. You abort the fetus.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right, right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. In the. In the case that. Which, first of all, I also think it's funny that you make a difference between rape and incest, because I don't know too many people that were fucked by an uncle who would call it consensual.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, Mackenzie Phillips did have that relationship with her dad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. But she didn't try to get an abortion. If she wanted to get an abortion, she wouldn't have had to say, I was raped.

[Theresa Strasser]

This was an incest thing and a rape thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You could say it was my. It's my father's baby. And I don't think enough. Everyone's mouth goes shut. Put the masks on. No one's. Everyone's talking. We're calling the baby out.

[Theresa Strasser]

But in a way, didn't you ask for it a little bit?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think so. You saw the way she dressed on Three's Company.

[Theresa Strasser]

That was one day at a time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was the joke. I knew.

[Theresa Strasser]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Now I feel like Mike just stepping on you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I didn't know.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, she feels like it's God's plan that any child that's conceived should be born. And also, like Rand Paul out of Kentucky, that it should be a state's decision and Roe v. Wade should be overturned. This should not be the purview of the federal government, but in fact, the state. This is one of these teabaggy things.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it is purview. A purview. But what's funny Is that she thinks it's God's will. And at the same time, she lost the election, so that would mean that's God's will, too.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, she hasn't yet. It's still real tight, so you could still have Sharon angle for your comedy purpose.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

God, say a prayer. Thank God she wasn't aborted either.

[Theresa Strasser]

She also did a weird thing where she linked breast cancer and abortion as a way to keep people from getting abortions. And the science on that is.

[Kate Micucci]

It's hinky.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, you're wrong. Breastfeeding sharply decreases the amount of cervical cancer in women. It's been proven.

[Theresa Strasser]

No, she. She linked breast cancer and abortion.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dummy. How are you gonna have something suck on your tit if you kill it?

[Theresa Strasser]

Thanks. Thank you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now we cleared that up, let's move over to Arizona.

[Theresa Strasser]

I hadn't thought it through that far.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You have to.

[Theresa Strasser]

You have to. How are we gonna cure breast cancer?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

By not. Hold on.

[Theresa Strasser]

Can we go back to Brian and the no using medical marijuana because you did have chemo and you were nauseous.

[Bald Brian]

Still on chemo.

[Theresa Strasser]

Still on chemo. But no pot.

[Bald Brian]

The drugs, the pills. Speaking of your pharmaceuticals, the pills they give me have been enough to suppress my nausea.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nausea.

[Bald Brian]

If it gets to the point where it's too much, I would turn to the medical marijuana.

[Theresa Strasser]

So far, what they're giving you. Do you know what I'm talking about?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, are you talking about nausea from the cancer or from this show?

[Bald Brian]

It's like 90, 10, you know what I'm saying?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Got it.

[Bald Brian]

It's definitely a contributing factor, but it's not at all a big deal. The chemotherapy is ongoing, and they're giving me on Danstatron, which is the generic name for Zofran.

[Theresa Strasser]

That's not, like, a club from the 80s. Cause I feel like Madonna started out there with DJ Jellybean Benitez.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right. Good reference.

[Theresa Strasser]

It's a Transformer Danceateria on Dancetron. Dancetron.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So, Brian, how do you feel then, about the vote? The Prop 19 vote in California?

[Bald Brian]

You know, I don't know as much about politics as the expert, so I turn to the experts, I look in the newspaper endorsements to see who they all endorse or what proposition they all endorse, and I kind of just go with that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So Ralph.

[Doug Benson]

Ralph's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're split on Ralph's Two for one coupon day?

[Bald Brian]

No, that I'm totally in favor of.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, but the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just think that if you had. If you were somebody that was entitled legitimately to medical marijuana. I feel like I want to protect that.

[Bald Brian]

Well, this wouldn't affect me. I don't think Prop 19.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it would in a sense that you wouldn't be special anymore. And I get it.

[Bald Brian]

It wouldn't elevate me to that special status.

[Doug Benson]

You're right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think you should be against Prop 19.

[Bald Brian]

Okay, you know what? I've come around on that.

[Doug Benson]

Thank you.

[Mike Gibbons]

The big argument's financial on that one, right? I mean, that's what they're saying. I mean, prosecuting prosecutors, the people who.

[Theresa Strasser]

Are for it say that it wastes a lot of the resources in the state busting people for weed and also.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Keeping them, incarcerating them. Not to mention agriculture gets a giant boon from this. And don't forget the taxes.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You would have to be high to be against Prop 19.

[Theresa Strasser]

That's true. And I do the same thing as Brian. I look at smart people and I see what they like. Alan Dershowitz and a bunch of law professors wrote an open letter in support of Prop 19.

[Bald Brian]

It's kind of like if I had a choice to go see two comics and I didn't know who they were. And I said to Greg Fitzsimmons, who has been in comedy for years, Greg, who's funnier. And he told me, and I was like, nah, I'm gonna go the other way. Like, he knows I'd listen to him. But we're saying was like, for example, the people in the political section of the LA Times, I assume, or other papers which I read and check up on know more about these things than I do. So I kind of go with their expert opinion.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Can you over explain that again?

[Bald Brian]

I can try, but it's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, there were layers and layers of metaphor.

[Theresa Strasser]

I'm wrong with you. I want to know. You're lashing out. So far you've lashed out at all the other three people. Don't make me ask you about, you know what, who hurt you. I will do it. I will do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let me explain to you what entertainment is to me, okay? It is a fleeting thing I've yet to wrap my hands around, and I'm falling fast. This represents my last chance to make it count because it's election night.

[Theresa Strasser]

But you have your own chat.

[Mike Gibbons]

Let's stay on the abortion topic. I think that's a strong move.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Here's my point, by the way.

[Mike Gibbons]

There's some really. They should really tax abortions. I think everyone would be in favor of.

[Theresa Strasser]

They do, by the way.

[Mike Gibbons]

They do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Of course they tax abortion Though.

[Theresa Strasser]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You have to take the stem cells from the fetus. Sales tax.

[Theresa Strasser]

Sales tax.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Here's my point. We have 50 states to get through. We're 32 minutes in, and you haven't yet talked about, of course, Arizona.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah, that's because I have no idea what's happening in Arizona. But I will when we come. Come back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's take a break now. Before we do, let's plug your book.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, thank you. Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Theresa Strasser]

Are you sure?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you kidding me? I can't wait to read it. You gave me a copy.

[Theresa Strasser]

I know. I hope you like it. Well, it's a memoir. It's called Exploiting My Baby. You can pre order it now. And by the way, Penguin has just issued 200 new book plates. So if you order the book and send an email to exploitingmybabymail.com I will sign one of the book plates and send it you to. To you. And I thank you in advance. And by the way, Adam Carolla listeners, you've really outdone yourselves with ordering Adam's book. Do you know how well his book's doing?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We're gonna be talking about that on the stitcher. Extra content.

[Theresa Strasser]

Later on in 50 years, we'll all be chicks, people. It is doing.

[Bald Brian]

He doesn't need to plug, Therese.

[Doug Benson]

He doesn't need the plug.

[Theresa Strasser]

I know he doesn't need it, but.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just want to say, stop plugging, Adam, because your book needs a lot.

[Theresa Strasser]

It needs a lot more help. I know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's stay focused on that.

[Theresa Strasser]

Okay?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We're gonna take a break now for another commercial, and when we come back, we're gonna take your phone. The Adam Carolla show.

[Dawson]

Hey, kiddies, want to leave work early on Monday to watch a little Monday Night Football? But you can't get away. Oh, yes, you can. You just go to my friends at. Go to my PC.com. that's right. You can finish your work from home and watch yourself. Well, watch your favorite team lose like I do every season. Get complete and secure access to all your programs and files from home, your work computer from anywhere. Want to try Go to my PC. Want to try it for free? Want to try it for 45 days for free? Just go to my PC.com. that's GoToMyPC.com. enter the promo code Adam, and you get 45 days free. How can you lose? Visit GoToMyPC.com, click on the Try it free button, and use the promo code Adam.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Welcome back to the Adam Carolla Show. This is Greg Fitzsimmons. Sitting in with the lovely and talented. Talented and I don't know what you call that show.

[Doug Benson]

Thank you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Theresa Strasser. Also, I'm sorry, Mike Gibbons, who's into his second Budweiser.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's all right. American.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How many does it take these days? Top story tonight on the show. We're covering the 2010 election and right now it's trending, trending towards unfunny. We're looking for funny turnout from the voters and right now, racism. There's nothing comedians like more than racist people in politics and they're getting bounced out. Teresa Strasser, what do we have?

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, I think you're gonna be very happy then with the way Arizona's looking because Jan Brewer, the incumbent right now is leading. And to me, she had by far my favorite moment of this midterm election when she participated in a debate on a local news show. She is, well, you know, she doesn't like immigrants very much.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not at all.

[Theresa Strasser]

Not at all. And she'd like them to leave or show you their papers. Another thing, she doesn't really like debating and she didn't have a lot of experience debating or really doing press when this happened. And you know, I don't know, I can relate because I get really nervous in front of crowds too. This, although this wasn't a crowd, but this was, you know, a crunch time moment for Jan Bruno.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I would say if you don't like Latinos and you'll like, you don't like arguing, don't bother watching the Carlos Mens your show. Let's see the clip.

[Theresa Strasser]

I wasn't going to great to be.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Here with Larry, Barry and Terry and thank you all for watching us tonight. I have done so much and I.

[Theresa Strasser]

Just cannot believe that we have changed everything since I become your governor in the last 600 days, Arizona has been.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Brought back from its abyss.

[Doug Benson]

We have cut the budget, we have balanced the budget and we are moving forward.

[Ricky Lindholm]

We have done everything that we could possibly do.

[Theresa Strasser]

Still going so great.

[Mike Gibbons]

Hang time.

[Ricky Lindholm]

We have.

[Mike Gibbons]

Hang time.

[Ricky Lindholm]

What was right for Arizona? I will tell you that I have really did the very best that anyone could do. We have pushed back hard against the federal government.

[Doug Benson]

We have.

[Theresa Strasser]

And she's in the lead right now.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's like me on this radio show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's like me at the Improv later tonight.

[Theresa Strasser]

Has that ever happened to you on stage where you just in your mind you had already gone through what jokes you were gonna do in what order and then you just froze?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I went out into the audience at The West Palm Beach Improv on Friday night. And somebody was heckling me, and they were giving me the finger and holding their cell phone light next to their finger in front of 300 other people. And I left the stage. I walked into the crowd as far as I could go, tethered. Tethered to the stage by my mic chord and was screaming, come here. I'm punching you in the face. Get over here. I want to fight you. I'm gonna punch you in the. Like people. The servers told me later that people were asking their servers, is this part of the act? And it was not. So I don't. I don't. My mouth doesn't dry up. My blood boils.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right?

[Doug Benson]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You heat up just as bad.

[Bald Brian]

Greg's a fighter. We should establish this for the audience. The newcomers to the show. Who don't know.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah. Who don't know.

[Doug Benson]

Greg's not afraid of fisticuffs.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's not just the hostility towards my co host. It's a general towards the world.

[Theresa Strasser]

It bleeds out. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And the thing that I bleed out, usually when I fight.

[Theresa Strasser]

You're a bleeder.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I'm Irish now, do you go into.

[Theresa Strasser]

This in your book?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My book, Dear Mrs. Simmons, available on the 9th. Yes. There's a lot of talk about the fighting that. Not not only with the world, but with my father. And is that even a fight when you're seven?

[Theresa Strasser]

It's not a fair fight.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Page 154 will interest you. When I. When I talk about violence, I think it's a very Irish thing. You can't.

[Doug Benson]

You.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You cannot be told what to do by anybody.

[Theresa Strasser]

I saw that movie about the bank robbers with Ben Affleck.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Pearl Harbor Town.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, I heard it's good.

[Theresa Strasser]

It's good there. There's a lot of violence.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's get back to the election. Right now we're talking about race, racism, Who's a winner, Who's a loser? Jan Brewer. Let's go deeper into her story.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, Mike actually was.

[Mike Gibbons]

I had some stats on her I'm reading off a news site. But still, it's nice. Rapid fire. She was. First of all, she was never elected. She took over in early 09 and just since early 09, it's been a nightmare for Arizona. She quickly hit the national stage with her anti immigration bill. She eliminated free health care for poor children. She repealed legislation that would give domestic partners the same rights as every. Everyone else. She lied about headless bodies being found in Arizona deserts. I guess she's saying they they were there. They were never found. She also lied.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The heads weren't found or the bodies weren't found either.

[Mike Gibbons]

The headless bodies were not found.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So they found the heads.

[Mike Gibbons]

They found tons of heads.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nobody still.

[Mike Gibbons]

Liar.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Got it.

[Mike Gibbons]

But she lied about her father's death, saying he died fighting Nazis in World War II, when in reality, he died 10 years after World War II ended as a result of lung cancer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did they find his body with or without.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, they did find it with the head on. And he had never been to World War II. Two at all, never, you know, let alone fight Nazis.

[Theresa Strasser]

And this is. This is who's in the lead, but also in that state, McCain in some.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wait, go ahead. What were you saying?

[Theresa Strasser]

I was gonna say McCain, who also has some anger management issues, looks like he's gonna keep his seat.

[Mike Gibbons]

And. But what's funny is she in that clip was describing what a mess the state had been and everything she had to undo. And this was. Remember, McCain was running on how great Arizona was. I mean, that's the fight. That's the thing that gets so messed up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, let's go to the phones right now because we've asked you, the listeners, to tell us, who do you think is the funnier party? Which. Which candidates from which party will provide better comic fodder? Let's go first with Christina from Glendale. Welcome.

[Theresa Strasser]

I think you may have pushed. Pushed up on Justin's line.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hi, Justin. I love that you won't answer to any name except Justin.

[Doug Benson]

You guys hear me okay?

[Ricky Lindholm]

Yes.

[Doug Benson]

Hey, Theresa. I just wanted to. To say I'm a big Adam fan, and I actually got your book instead of his book, so I'm really looking forward to it.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, thank you so much, Justin. That's really sweet. You should get his book, too, and Greg's book.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You don't have to say that.

[Theresa Strasser]

I don't?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. But I'm glad you did. Thank you, dear. Mrs. Fitzsimmons, Simon Schuster.

[Theresa Strasser]

Thank you. Justin, what's your question?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Justin, your answer? Who do you think is funny?

[Doug Benson]

I think, actually, I think it should be Republicans in office because it seems to me that most comedians are Democratic, so obviously they'll tee off on the Republicans a lot better.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think that that used to be true, and I don't anymore. I think a lot of the comedians that I think are really funny. Colin quinn and Nick DePaolo, who I know you're a big fan of, Theresa Strasser. They're right wing. The whole blue collar comedy tour is right wing. And I think it's actually pretty evenly divided now, so maybe the. That argument used to be true. I don't know if it is anymore. Let's go to line two. This is Chris from Boston. How are you?

[Dawson]

Hey, Greg, how you doing?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Good. I love your podcast. Thank you very much.

[Doug Benson]

You know, it's got to be the Republicans. You know, I'm from Boston, definitely left leaning, so maybe I'm a little bit biased on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait a minute. You come from the place where the state senate president, Billy Bulger, his brother is the head of the Irish mob who's in school high hiding. Who won Billy. Billy Bulges brother whitey. The mob. The mob boss won the state lottery before disappearing.

[Mike Gibbons]

And you're telling me Republicans, I think twice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Twice.

[Mike Gibbons]

I'm not even kidding you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And that's the Democrats. How can you tell me the place that gave us all the Kennedys, the all stars of funny in politics. How can you tell me the Republicans? I'm from Southeast.

[Doug Benson]

So no comment on the white.

[Theresa Strasser]

Wait, are you Irish boy? Should we find out if he. Yes.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not to mention House Speaker Barney Frank. And I know he's not really a House speaker.

[Doug Benson]

We got tons of funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But he's the House speaker. Behind your back there's a gay joke. Now let's go to Paul in Huntington Beach. Who do you like?

[Doug Benson]

Paul?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who's funnier?

[Doug Benson]

I'm gonna have to go with what else has been saying is the Republicans. I mean we got out here in California Arnold Schwarzenegger as our governor. And if you graduated from college in 2004 to president, you have his autograph on your diploma.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's not bad. I didn't know that.

[Theresa Strasser]

By the way, a quick note on Alvin Green, who we discussed earlier, he did lose badly to Senator Jim DeMint, but he will live on because he has unveiled a comic book where he is a superhero.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the key, isn't it?

[Theresa Strasser]

Yep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's going the reverse route of Arnold Schwarzenegger who started as an action figure.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right. Became became a politician.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Theresa Strasser]

He's doing a reverse Schwarzenegger.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Speaking of reverse Schwarzeneggers, which is a position, by the way, in Belladonna's new film Online 4 Christina from Glendale, who do you like as funny?

[Doug Benson]

Well, I was amused to see in.

[Kate Micucci]

This booklet for here in California, the Peace and Freedom Party, they have somebody who ran for a state board of equalization and she puts her profession down as jewelry maker.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Theresa Strasser]

How seriously can you take them?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, the margin for comedy for. Can we just say lesbians, for shorthand. On that party is pretty slim. I mean, people that can't take a joke are into joy.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right. You know, they wear a lot of.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Beads, and they're not nice.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Comedy's not nice.

[Theresa Strasser]

As we've learned. We've all learned. I think tonight, as individually and as a group, you've attacked us.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. Some of the night. Yeah. Never mind.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What?

[Theresa Strasser]

Mike squared.

[Doug Benson]

No, I was with you.

[Mike Gibbons]

I know. I. Of course I am, but I know some of the nicest people. It is interesting. It's a sidebar. But some of the. The nicest, like, the crunchiest people we find on the west side are really. You have to explain jokes. Like, you have to say, oh, that. I was kidding.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Have you ever gone to Whole Foods and made a joke to the cashier?

[Doug Benson]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh. Oh, the worst. I said I was checking out, and I said, do you guys. Does any. Are you. Are you allowed to shop here if you're less. If you're more than 125 pounds? And she stared at me, and I go, I'm just joking. It's just everyone here seems like they just got out of a yoga class or something. And she goes, a lot of people with weight issues really battle them.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, no.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I was like, wow, humorless.

[Mike Gibbons]

I didn't remember. I didn't mean anti comedy. That's aggressive.

[Doug Benson]

But.

[Mike Gibbons]

But usually they don't understand that there's another agenda maybe other than just being sincere.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right. There's another way to deal with.

[Mike Gibbons]

People just got to back away. You can't engage.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, you can't engage. And that's why I like stand up, is that I walk. I walk 1% of my crowds, and I enjoy those. People need to go. And this weekend, I walked maybe 12%. That's high. You shouldn't. You shouldn't shoot that high. According to the manager of the West Palm Beach Improv.

[Bald Brian]

What does walk mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It means you. You people leave your show.

[Theresa Strasser]

By the way, Barbara Boxer projected to beat Carly Fiorina. Now, I don't know if you saw her commercial. She was in charge of hp and she had to lay a lot of people off. And I thought the commercials were actually kind of brilliant. It was kind of like the George Clooney movie where he has to fire people, and they use real people. Thank you. Up in the air, the hp, they. They got people who had been laid off during Fiorina's RA run, and they had them talk about their experience. And of course, that's hard when you're trying to argue that you're gonna Bring jobs to California. But you had to lay off a bunch of people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, so we've got. And then who is the head of Yahoo that's also running in California?

[Theresa Strasser]

You mean Meg Whitman? She founded ebay. She spent like, $140 million over. Her husband is a guy named Dr. Harsh. He's a brain surgeon. And she has to explain. She has to explain to Dr. Harsh. Look, I. I dabbled. I thought this would be fun. I already started a company. I thought, what else am I gonna do with myself? I'm already rich. Why don't I run for the governor? Why don't I enter the gubernatorial race? Yeah, it's gonna cost, I don't know, around 140 million. And then I'm gonna lose to Jerry Brown, who basically. I mean, this was really, you know.

[Bald Brian]

She didn't come out and say, it's gonna cost 140 million. She's like, it costs about 9 million. And then every few months, like, ah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

10 million, like an item on ebay. It just keeps going up.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah, somebody drove the bidding up, and it was Jerry Brown. And of course, that race got really heated because he was recorded. Well, a conversation was recorded during which somebody called Meg Whitman a whore. Now, they didn't mean a prostitute. They meant, you know, somebody who would whore herself out to unions, police. The police, specifically.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Okay. Well, you know, I think it's a shame because Jerry Brown, we didn't have a lot of. The only thing funny about him for comedians back in the 80s was Linda Ronstadt was his wife.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah, well, girlfriend.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, she's gone, so I got nothing.

[Doug Benson]

He's loose.

[Mike Gibbons]

He's a loose cannon, though.

[Doug Benson]

He will be good. He will be good.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah. Believe me, he'll say things. There was the horror thing, and no one really knows. Somebody thinks that was his wife saying that. Yeah, no one really knows.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's a strong move. You gotta have the wife deliver the horror bomb.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, we've got one lock, and I know we're approaching the end of the show, and one of the things I want to do is plug Adam's book tour. Adam's. His book, by the way, is number 20 on Amazon's bestseller list, which it's nice to be on the bestseller list when you're not on sale. That's like. That's like winning a beauty pageant when you're still a fetus. Adam's east coast book tour. He'll be signing them.

[Theresa Strasser]

It was child.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

In 50 years, we'll all be chicks. Today, Wednesday at Boston at University of Boston. Barnes and Noble, 4 to 6pm tomorrow, Thursday at Borders on South Broad in Philadelphia, 1p to 3 Saturday at Borders on Columbus Circle in New York City, 2 to 5pm by the way, I will be doing my book signing a week from tomorrow. One week? Yeah. On. On the 10th at the same place, Borders in Columbus Circle. For maps, check the homepage AdamCarolla.com so.

[Theresa Strasser]

You'Ll be going back East?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm going back East. I'm gonna be. I'm doing the Letterman show.

[Theresa Strasser]

Are you?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Next week I'm gonna be on Howard Stern on the 9th, the day my book comes out. And then a big show at Caroline's that night on the the ninth. And then I'm doing Joy Behar and I'm doing Kimmel's show and a bunch of NPR shows. So I've got shit lined up. But, you know, it's like, this is.

[Theresa Strasser]

The magic of you, is you would be a great guest on both an NPR show and Howard Stern. You can't really say that for very many people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. The fart joke does not play well on Fresh air.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah, I know. Yeah. And all things belittled.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I love the NPR names. Me and my friend were talking about this the other day. Only on npr. Could you be a newscaster with the last name Jihad?

[Theresa Strasser]

Shirley Jahad. I know. Every time I hear that, I think.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really, there are like 10 really great NPR names that would. Not only that, people with cleft palates and lisps.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah. Because they embrace everybody.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They embrace who I was told.

[Theresa Strasser]

I don't know if this is true, but I work with a news guy at the CBS affiliate in the mornings and he used to work on Marketplace. And he, He. He's suggested that there's a way of delivering information. And it's kind of a whispery thing, which they train you to do, I'm sure. So they're actually this. They do want you to do this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I've noticed Louis CK who's generally very loud and aggressive.

[Kate Micucci]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I heard about Fresh Air. And he. It's like he's sitting back and he's.

[Theresa Strasser]

Trying to get into Terry Gross's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You have to. You gotta find her groove.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'd like to find Terry Gross's groove.

[Theresa Strasser]

I have kind of a crush on her. I think she's. She's the best interviewer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What does she look like, though? That's what I figured.

[Theresa Strasser]

Let's say this. She has a very short haircut and she wears glasses. But I love her anyway.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What are you saying? She's no. Janet Reno.

[Theresa Strasser]

She's probably in many. She's very slender. She seems slender in the pictures. She looks a little like Ira Glass.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Got it.

[Theresa Strasser]

In some ways.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. Well, speaking of slender, the abortion thing is coming up again and again, and in Florida, a man who's very anti abortion.

[Theresa Strasser]

I want to hear more about you in New York.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, fine. Let's get into it.

[Theresa Strasser]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Caroline's on the 9th, and it's a media shit. So I wake up every morning at 5 and I roll interviews with radio stations.

[Theresa Strasser]

And now you've done Howard Stern 50 plus times. But do you still get nervous? Because there's always. You do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. And I know what you're getting now. Yes. Here's what Therese is getting at. I asked Howard to write my forward at the beginning of the summer. And then Howard, instead of taking a summer vacation, took a summer of attacking me for asking to write the foreword, and now I'm coming on the show for the first time. He ended up writing it his own gun to his own head, by the way, because I just wrote him a note asking. I certainly. I have no power to make him write a forward.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But he generously agreed to do it out of his own, I think, admittedly, his own guilt.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right. There was so much source involved. Soros, aggravation, you know, you got it. Because he was complaining.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, there's a part of me that says he was making good radio and part of me that knows that he didn't want to fucking write it.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then there's a part of me that's going like, I don't know, but I'm gonna find out when I go in on the 9th. It's gonna be good radio.

[Theresa Strasser]

What is the forward like? I mean, you do have a four.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But how's it Grant blurbs from that morning's news show like, Barbara, I forget somebody talking about how much they love their director. He pretended was him talking about my book, but then he ended with a very sincere paragraph about how he really does love me and has a lot of respect for me and all. And then asked me to put a picture of his wife half naked in the foreword.

[Theresa Strasser]

Did you?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Of course. Of course.

[Theresa Strasser]

Okay. I find it. It's counter to everything that makes me comfortable to ask people for things. I found asking people for even blurbs terrifying and horrible experience and everyone was incredibly nice about. But to ask somebody to write a foreword. When you wrote. Did you just write him a letter or an email?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. Here's where it gets better. The note asked him to do it. And then when he wrote it, to thank him.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I sent him about $250 worth of first edition in the plastic. Like Marvel Comics. I know he likes Super Marvel.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right? That's a very thoughtful gift.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He then shit all over me the next day because I should know that he doesn't, like used things. And some kid probably jerked off on me.

[Doug Benson]

Oh, no.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I was back in the first place.

[Theresa Strasser]

Okay, but how much thought and time did you put into that thank you gift?

[Doug Benson]

A lot.

[Theresa Strasser]

A lot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. But look, I really am. Once you're under the gun on the Stern show, you're under the gun. So on the 9th will be my opportunity to go in and defend myself in person.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right. Now I gotta know, because I'm so far removed from this. And I started getting phone calls. What's going on with your friend Greg Fitzsimmons and Howard? What's happening? So I imagine that when he started going off on you, your phone was ringing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My phone rang and I answered it, and. And people said to me, is this a bit or is this real? And I would say to them, call me tomorrow. Each day I think different. I'm not really sure. But it was phenomenal radio. It was entertaining, and it was obviously probably really good for pre sales. We're in our second pre sale order already, which is, I think, largely due to that.

[Theresa Strasser]

That's huge.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hey, now and then. So anyway, that's coming up. Thanks for bringing that up, even though I really asked you not to.

[Theresa Strasser]

No, I actually was just gonna ask you if you got nervous going on the show. I didn't realize that you hadn't had really any exchanges with him since the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No resolution since then.

[Doug Benson]

I'm sorry, but it's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, it.

[Theresa Strasser]

I didn't mean to lead you down into that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm kidding. It was actually. It's been great. And I can't wait to go on the show because he's. He's a great guy, and he would never blindside you. He's always been very supportive, and I think I almost wish there was more of a conflict left. It went away when he did it.

[Theresa Strasser]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But anyway, so I'll be there doing that. And also, I'm doing a book tour. I'll be in Seattle, Philly, and in New York. So. Fitzdog.com for.

[Theresa Strasser]

Let me ask you about Joy Behar, because I was thinking this. So it's the night before the Charlie Sheen meltdown in the Eloise suite, and her booker's like, look, I'm sorry, they can't all be gems. I got Denise Richards. She's got some show like, it's something about a mountain. It's on some network. It's on deep cable. I'm sorry. Make the best of it. Then she goes from being like a not a great book to now Joy Behar has Denise Richards after the coke and whore event. I mean, she won the booking lottery that day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, well, Joy is. In my mind. You take all those women from the view and you say, all right, which one of these people can carry a show? Joy Behar, period. You know, And I think that if she can. If she can get. If she can grab. You know, look, Denise Richards, Gretchen Fitzsimmons. She's trending. She could be the one that takes over for.

[Theresa Strasser]

Howard would write a forward for Denise Richards book.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, but I think he. I think he would talk about her. Yeah.

[Ricky Lindholm]

Here's the thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All he has to do is talk about somebody and have someone write it down. That's a blurb. That's all you need.

[Theresa Strasser]

That's huge.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I think the fact that he made a meal out of writing mine was actually just mostly for radio. Look, most people. People I won't mention names when they write a blurb, will have their assistant write it.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah. Mike lynch did a great job on Adam's blurb for my book. Although I will say I was very touched because Dr. Drew wrote me, like a beautiful blurb, which made it obvious he had really read the book and taken the time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, let me ask. My buddy, Mike Gibbons. Went to college together. Our dads knew each other. He was the best man at my wedding. And I gave him the book about a week and a half ago. How do you like the book, Mike?

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, it's. First of all, it's a beautiful jacket.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Cover has not read a page.

[Theresa Strasser]

Wow. Nothing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nothing.

[Mike Gibbons]

The artwork is really nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And guess who's in there? Your dad. I write about your dad in my book. No, you. Well, I haven't had that much working way back.

[Doug Benson]

I read it.

[Mike Gibbons]

I read it before. It was a book. That's the difference.

[Theresa Strasser]

Okay?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So, yeah, thanks for the punch up, by the way.

[Theresa Strasser]

He helped you shepherd the man?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no, no. I sent him a rough dream draft to get some punch up. You know what he did? He called me and he goes, what do you think about instead of each chapter title having a name, use, like a sentence from the chapter? What do you think about that? After three weeks?

[Doug Benson]

What do you think about that?

[Theresa Strasser]

It's a good idea.

[Mike Gibbons]

By the way, you had asked me, remember that Time I was drunk at that WWE party or whatever, and I texted you that I'm gonna be a better friend. It was referring to that, really. Yeah, it really was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's so much guilt between both of us because we're both good people, but we feel like pieces of shit, and so that's.

[Theresa Strasser]

That's what.

[Mike Gibbons]

But it's all good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But, no. Mike is on my podcast every week.

[Theresa Strasser]

How long have you been friends?

[Doug Benson]

I don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

25 years.

[Theresa Strasser]

And was your dad also a broadcaster like Greg's dad?

[Mike Gibbons]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

His dad shoveled coal. My dad was secure tenement apartment.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, no, totally poor, but they both grew up in the Bronx.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

His dad. They grew up in the Bronx. And his dad, my grandparents, are from the Hunts Point. That's Jewish. We were in the Irish barn.

[Doug Benson]

They didn't talk to the Jews.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

His father, last year, literally, who grew up as a boy shoveling coal into a family furnace in a tenement in the Bronx, was the grand marshal of the St. Patrick's Day parade. And I marched holding the banner next to Mike. Friends and family of the grand marshal.

[Mike Gibbons]

And who ran out to interview us.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Howard Stern.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Steve Langford.

[Mike Gibbons]

Exactly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you don't know how big that is for the Irish. Let me put it in Jewish terms.

[Theresa Strasser]

Okay, thank you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The head of Goldman Sachs.

[Theresa Strasser]

Oh, my God. What?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know it's big.

[Mike Gibbons]

More Jewish terms. Rang the bell on the New York Stock Exchange that morning.

[Theresa Strasser]

You know what it would have been? Supreme Court Justice. That would be?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not as Jewish anymore.

[Mike Gibbons]

Not as Jewish at all.

[Theresa Strasser]

That's why it would be so amazing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because isn't there no Anglicans on the court right now?

[Theresa Strasser]

What do we got?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm saying, after the killing next week.

[Bald Brian]

Alito's Italian, right?

[Theresa Strasser]

Alito's Italian. We got. Now we got semi R. Yeah. Kennedy.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's a swarthy group.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So let's just say this. We're gonna wrap up the show in a minute, but before we do, I want to thank you guys for tuning in. I know Adam isn't here this week, and I want to thank him for asking me the great honor of sitting in. And I could not have been more thrilled to find out Theresa would be joining me.

[Theresa Strasser]

I wish I could have done more and better.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's why I treat people the way I do, because you did a great job, and yet you feel you didn't. So you'll try hard next time.

[Theresa Strasser]

It's nice to be back. It's been a really long time since I've been here. Because I work mornings now, so it's really nice to be back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, your ass belongs on that couch cushion. Mike Gibbons, thank you for joining us.

[Mike Gibbons]

It was great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mike, by the way, running the new show for Norm MacDonald on Comedy Central. Mike's a very experienced executive producer in late night.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, yeah, running with.

[Doug Benson]

Yeah, sure.

[Mike Gibbons]

Daniel Kellison, who's from this empire.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He knows this world.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah. So Norm's got a new show.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's gonna be great.

[Doug Benson]

Great.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. Sports. Sports show with Norm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep. That guy sounds hot. Thanks again for listening. Reg Fitzjow is the Twitter Fitzdog radio. And Teresa, you want to plug one more time your book?

[Theresa Strasser]

Thank you very much. It's called Exploiting my A Memoir about Pregnancy and Childbirth. And if you pre order, I will send you a book plate. Just email exploitingmybabymail.com you want me to read it?

[Mike Gibbons]

I've got nothing to do with it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is east coast book signing tour going on right now. For maps, check the homepage AdamCarolla.com thank you again. God bless America.

[Doug Benson]

And now your Adam Carolla Extra.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hi, it's Greg Fitzsimmons for your stitcher Extra content. I'm sitting here with Teresa Strasser and Mike Gibbons, who's clapping for Teresa Strasser. Now, Teresa, your book comes out. It's called My Mother Didn't Love Me and now I'm talking about my child.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, everything is. That's the subtext of everything. Yeah, it's called Exploiting My Baby. Although I do talk a lot about my own relationship with my mother. Because, of course, when you're about to become a mother, that's your fear. Like, am I gonna be good at this? Mike knows.

[Doug Benson]

Sorry.

[Theresa Strasser]

By the way, I was telling Mike.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Part of the stitch rec.

[Theresa Strasser]

I was telling Mike that when I met him at a party you had in your courtyard, and I left there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I said to my husband, it's called a yard. I know I live in a small house, but it does sound.

[Mike Gibbons]

It looked like an alley on his property.

[Theresa Strasser]

I live in fucking Koreatown. Everything's a courtyard to me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Way to make it racist. No, your book started when, I mean, track me through the beginning, middle, end of writing.

[Theresa Strasser]

I will, but let me just say, I left there and I just said, Greg's friend Mike is the funniest, one of the funniest people I've ever met.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

People say that. And Mike, I've known you for so long, I don't get it.

[Mike Gibbons]

Not on air. When there's a microphone, I freeze up. I Don't know who I am. Unlike you two, I don't have a Persona.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm really. Talk about your Persona. As you wrote this book, it started when in the. In the birthing process. And it ended when.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, I started blogging when I was pregnant. And I was really nervous because I thought, well, I've. You know, I'm a writer. I just write about whatever's going on in my life. But it seems weird now writing about being pregnant because I don't want to be exploiting my baby. So I thought, I'll just buy that domain name and call it that because you got to look the boogeyman right in the eye.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So was it sort of like the gestation of the book was like the gestation of your baby? Like you fucked while blogging, got pregnant, held, held it in your belly as you wrote, created, and then delivered the baby around the same time you delivered.

[Theresa Strasser]

The man, Both stillborn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And that's your stitcher exercise.

[Theresa Strasser]

No, you know what? It couldn't be a more apt metaphor because they were both incredibly painful to birth. And then I felt so good for having done it, and then I swore I would never, ever do either again.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Mike Gibbons]

And then it's something only a mother and what 2 million people could love and read.

[Theresa Strasser]

I mean, I do when I write things, I do convince myself only my editor is ever gonna see this. This is so.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You have to. Yeah, yeah. You have to. Nobody wants to see that baby.

[Theresa Strasser]

Now, how about you? How did your idea come about to make a book of these letters to your mom?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I got a mortgage statement and my balance is. I was. I did a one man show because my mother had saved all these letters. Every time I was in trouble as a kid and through high school.

[Theresa Strasser]

How many kids in your family?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

3. I was the middle Irish family. And so we were encouraged to do the opposite of what we were told to do. Mostly encouraged because these letters would be sent home and with the intent of our parents being. And instead my. Like, they'd open the letter at the dinner table and laugh because it was teachers describing in detail what fucked up things we had done. And they would laugh. And so we were encouraged to go back and get more funny letters. Right.

[Theresa Strasser]

That's how you got attention at home. Like, what. What were the. Can you. Do you remember the content offhand of one of these letters?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah. I can tell you. High. Throughout high school, there were. I found at least seven or eight letters that say, specifically, Greg cannot stay awake and class. Greg seems to drift off while staring out the window during class. And my parents never once said, we should check his sock drawer.

[Theresa Strasser]

It never dawned on them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There was such a pattern that I, having a child now, I cannot understand how they would not look deeper into what was wrong with.

[Mike Gibbons]

They were terrified to go up to your room, tell them about your bed springs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I used to jerk off a lot. And my mother. I didn't know they could hear me because when you're a boy, you just think, no one can hear this.

[Theresa Strasser]

I'm in my own little jerky bubble.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And. And then one day I came home from school and there was a bottle of three in one oil on the. On the desk, and my springs were oiled. And I was like, in one second, every jerk off session in my life came back to me. Like they heard it.

[Theresa Strasser]

Every single one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Most of them.

[Mike Gibbons]

Three in one went right on the palm.

[Theresa Strasser]

I probably would feel okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It would feel okay if it was. It's over. I just did it.

[Theresa Strasser]

What? That was it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is your stitcher moment. Thanks for listening.

[Doug Benson]

That was your Adam Carolla extra. All right, that's Adam Carlos show, episode 440.

[Christian Harlow]

That does it for today's Coral Classics.

[Doug Benson]

Make sure to tune in next weekend for three all new installments.

[Christian Harlow]

Until then, mahalo.

[Doug Benson]

And get it on. If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken.

[Eliza Schlesinger]

Couldn'T get more gold golden, think Golder. Because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here made for your chicken favorites. And participate in McDonald's for a limited time.