C (3:12)

The unit was small. Yeah, the unit was very small. It was probably 20 to 30 Marines.

A (3:21)

So that was all, though. I mean, it was still kind of an interesting story being one of 20 or 30 Marines in all of Manhattan, right?

C (3:28)

Yeah, yeah. Cause there were other Marines, but they were on, like, recruiting duty perhaps, or other things. That reserve unit that I was in was more of a training unit. So it was a lot of FBI agents, a lot of cops that, you know, they had day jobs and then they were in the reserve units.

A (3:45)

There's. As I was looking at your book, there's some similarities, like you and I had, which is kind of bopping around like you were at ucb. I think I was at the Groundlings and then Acme. Sort of bopping around for like nine years and nothing's really happening.

C (4:02)

Yeah, Just grinding. And the not knowing is all this time and energy that I'm pouring into this, is it gonna lead anywhere or am I just wasting my time?

A (4:12)

You know, it's kind of interesting and I've never thought about it, but I didn't have a sense of wasting my time because I came from a group of time wasters. You know what I mean? They just did nothing. All. And everyone I grew up with did nothing. So it wasn't like, well, if you didn't. For all the time you spent with the Groundlings, you could have been a great cello player, or you could have been a surgeon or a celebrated attorney. Nobody did any of that. So it would have just been more beer and more TV if I hadn't done that.

C (4:45)

No, that's a good point.

A (4:47)

I wasn't looking at it as a trade off. Like, if nothing comes of it, it still wasn't a waste of my time because I would have been doing nothing anyway. There wasn't an option to get a master's degree or something.

C (5:01)

No, no, listen, I hear you. I think I had this sense because I started late. You know, I spent all my 20s, my whole 20s, basically in the Marines. I didn't take my first improv class until I was 28 years old. And, you know, I joined the Marines when I was 19. So I just didn't. My. It's not a lost decade. It was a great decade. I wouldn't trade it for a single minute. But I wasn't doing what all my peers were doing, which was taking the classes, getting on stage, working on their. Their either act or their skills. So I felt like I started so Late that I felt like there's this constant fire under my ass to get something to get done, get something done. Figure it out quicker, figure it out faster. Find some way to get traction. That's what. That's. I always felt that heat on my backside.

A (5:58)

Well, the Marines, even though it's not comedy, is a good training program for, like, football, like branches of the military. Like, you know, there's a part of a sport. Like in football, there's a. You know, I played 10 years of football and I. Very rare, not very rarely. A small percentage of what I did involved football. The other part was like running bleachers and pushing sleds and living in the weight room and depending on what position you play. I never even touched a football. I didn't really play football until the game. Everything else was sort of drill, drill, drill. And then you go, well, what's running bleachers have to do with football? And it's like, it's good. It's sport. It's discipline. It gets you in shape. Whatever, whatever. All the various drills, dragging the sled around the thing and everything. And then you go, well, what's that have to do with comedy? Well, it's good. It's good. It gives you a base. And you also. You get kind of resilient.

C (7:05)

That's it.

A (7:06)

Which you need.

C (7:06)

That's the word. It's. It's about resilience and discipline. If you don't learn those habits early, they're really hard to learn later.

A (7:14)

Right.

C (7:14)

And there was times I was going to practice because I'm the same way. I played football from fifth grade all the way through high school. And, you know, this is back in the 80s, too, so fifth grade coaches treated you like Woody Hayes. You know, they would hit me over the head with the whistle and the helmet, and your head would ring. That was one of their favorite moves. They'd chew you out like you were a college athlete, and you'd be crying and they wouldn't stop. They'd keep going. They had no mercy. You got tough quick, you got mentally tough quick. And then you'd go. Sometimes you'd just be working out in August, in two days or whatever, and you wouldn't know why. It was just hell on earth. But you did it because you were supposed to do it. You were disciplined to do it, and you learned how to do these things. And the resilience came with it. The discipline came with it. And I didn't realize those intangibles would pay off. All through my life. Still, to this day, still to this day.

A (8:10)

Well, they can be applied to anything. And I don't think people really get that. If you get that toughness and the resilience and a little bit of grit and a little bit of push through pain, you know, just a little are you hurt or are you injured kind of thing, you get a little, you kind of get through that and then what happens was, is little stuff pops up later on. Like they go, you know, you're gonna drive to Vegas and then you're doing two shows but you gotta do a podcast before that. You're gonna be too tired to do that second. I go, no, I'm not.

C (8:48)

Yeah, I got this.

A (8:49)

And they go, you gonna do the podcast, then you gotta drive to Vegas, but you gotta hit the stage like a half hour after you and then there' you're not going to be in any condition. I go, yes, I will. By the way, it's all I can do to stop yelling, calling people pussy all the time. But I mean, I'm like, yes, that, that is nothing.

C (9:07)

I'm proud of our generation. I'm very proud of our generation. I think we, I think we were raised on resilience. I, I give coaches, the coaches I had, they were SOBs, they were hard, hard nosed guys. And, and the drilling structures I had, they were hard nosed guys.

A (9:26)

Oh yeah.

C (9:26)

And they didn't have, they were, they were reasonable men. Right? You know, they didn't, you know, they would, they would feed you. They would, you know, they would, if you had a dangling broken arm, they would let you go. You know, they would let you sit down, but they didn't, they didn't give you outs all the time. You know, they made you stand there and face the fire. And what I always learned, what I appreciate about them so much now looking back is I had a perceived, this is what I thought my maximum was, right? It was always, I was always like, you know, five more sprits and I'm going to die. Five more and I'm going to throw up or I'm going to. And then I would, I would throw up or I would pass out or I would collapse or I would just say, I can't even, I can't run one more. And they would push me beyond that. They say, oh, you think your limits here, your limits way up here. I mean that's, don't talk about, that's impossible. You know, we're going to do a 26 mile Humphrey with 80 pounds of gear in what, 12 hours or in eight hours or whatever. It's going to be. That's a marathon. That's crazy. And then you do it and you realize, oh, shit, I guess I can do that. I wouldn't even conceive it. That's why I love them and hate them. I hated them at the time because they pushed me too hard. But then they showed me what I'm really capable of and then I got a whole new perspective on life. Because once I pushed through my perceived limits to my real limits, it showed me that I am capable of so much more than I thought I was, which then allowed me to think for the first time in my life, well, if I can do all these things, I didn't think I could, maybe I could be an actor and a comedian because I had that dream, but I just never thought it was real. I put a cap on myself, but because the Marines showed me, oh, you can do way more than you think. Then all of a sudden I started to allow myself to dream again. And that's when I said, all right, you know what? Screw it, I'm going to go for it. And I got out of my own way and it helped me get over my own fear. And. And so I give them a lot of credit because those intangibles people always say, well, Marines and comedy, how does that go together? It doesn't necessarily, but the intangibles do, right? You know?

A (11:36)

Yeah. I don't know how people can expect to fare without overcoming things and doing more than they thought they could do and having all those sort of old timey, sort of pioneer spirit things, you know, that your grandpa knew and all that kind of stuff. Plus, you know, they're all pharmaceuticals and stuff now. But like, I realized that dealing with situations, for me, I got a lot out of building houses. I could build houses and I could. So stuff wasn't a thing. It was always just a process. I could see people being intimidated, or they go, we gotta demo out the bathroom and then we gotta build the bathroom and then we gotta get the tile and the plumbing and stuff. And I go, yeah, but you just do it. But I also realized they don't have the experience of doing it. And the experience is invisible. But it makes everything easier. It makes writing a book easier if you've built a house or if you've done a marathon with an 80 pound sack rucksack on your back. So we are denying what is a privilege, but we've mistaken it for pain, or we've mistaken it for some sort of punishment, but it's not really a Punishment, it's more of a sort of a privilege. And we've denied that, decided to remove that from the landscape. And so a young person, especially a young man, we have removed all of that from their vista and they're now going through life with none of that, that sort of officer and a gentleman. It's raining and the coach is, the DI's calling him mayonnaise or something and telling them to do one more push up and he's like yelling, I won't quit. And all that. We've, all those great movie scenes, we've removed that from every young boy's life. And then, you know, they're 25 and we expect them to have their together and they, they really don't. They, they're lazy, they're unfocused, they're sort of non disciplined, they're overweight, like there's a whole bunch of. And because they don't have any tools in their toolbox, adults, there's a moth in their toolbox.

C (13:58)

We denied them the ability to become resilient.

A (14:01)

Right.

C (14:02)

Because you know, and I'm a dad and I have to try, I balance this. I have to try to be, try to forgive myself a little bit. Because as parents we want to help our children avoid the pain that maybe we endured. But we think by coddling them and carrying them over the obstacle, it somehow helped them. All it did was make them weaker. Their resilience is atrophied.

A (14:28)

Yes.

C (14:29)

And so they don't have the ability to do those things because we denied them thinking we were doing them a favor when in actuality you got to let them get the bloody nose. You got to let them fall out of the tree. You got to let them get kicked off the team or not start in a game because they didn't practice hard. These are the lessons that you learn that allow you to say, I'm going to try harder, I'm going to come back. You know, we've gotten smart. I think you can get smarter about it. Look, my football coaches in the 80s, we would have two A days in August back in Kansas. That's frigging hot, right? I mean it's unbearable heat. And they used to march us down to the water fountains in the stadium and we would stand there and look at the water fountains while he talked about the fourth quarter and how you had to be mentally tough and how you're going to be dying of thirst and not. And you're not going to have any energy left and it's going to be the big Game and the game of your life. Now let's get back out there. And nobody got a drink. We had to go back out and, you know, run some more. The water.

A (15:29)

First off, I really feel like I was water boarded, but the opposite.

C (15:34)

Like, water denied.

A (15:35)

I got sand dumped on my head, which is worse because water. And I don't know why, Dawson, this popped in my head, but there should be a picture on the computer somewhere of me playing football. Like an old black and white one. I'm standing on the corner. I'm standing on the couch.

C (15:49)

I've seen pictures of you.

A (15:50)

I've seen pictures of you talking to the coach. And the coach is holding my face mask when he's talking to me. That'd be a hate crime. Now he's literally holding my face mask because I was the defensive captain. He was trying to tell me to do some shit. It was like, oh, they drag you around. Pay attention.

C (16:06)

They drag you around. They grab two of you and get you banging the head.

A (16:09)

We had a couple things we had at the park. There'd be the drinking fountain behind the baseball diamond. So we'd run laps, go behind that diamond, turn left, go behind that backstop, go behind the four back stops. They're all spread out. There's a drinking fountain behind each backspot. And everyone was dying because it's a San Fernando Valley and they thought water was bad for you. They tell you, cramp up. You don't want to cramp up. Like, I'm going to cramp up. I'm going to die. So they'd go run around the back. But if I see anyone. Yeah, take a step.

C (16:43)

Anyone.

A (16:43)

Stop going to sip that. And you're literally running past the drinking fountain going, no, just running.

C (16:50)

You've watered that water so bad.

D (16:51)

It was.

A (16:52)

There was always a strategy. They never brought any water out onto the field, but at some point, they break you for water. Like, go. But everyone's back in five minutes. And so the strategy was, do you sprint to the drinking fountain and try.

C (17:08)

To get out of wind?

A (17:09)

You guys have never heard the sound of water being inhaled, not drank, inhale, like, just sucking it up. They're out of wind and they're sucking it. Or do you, standing back, get your shot at the drinking fountain? But you may. That whistle may blow before you get.

C (17:30)

It's too high a risk.

A (17:31)

Too high risk.

C (17:32)

It was always a gamble. What I saw, too, was, oh, he's.

A (17:35)

Hanging onto my chin strap is what Mr. Burr and Mr. Look at that great picture. Are doing.

C (17:43)

Great picture.

A (17:44)

The sun valley falcons. And Mr. Burr, the head coach is like middle, sort of not yelling at me, but he's telling me, hey, this is what we're doing on defense and go back in there and do it or whatever it is.

C (17:57)

And I don't know what it was about the men of that day, of that generation, but he was probably 31 years old, your coach, and he looked like a 50 year old.

A (18:06)

Yeah, yeah, we had. It was great. No coaches. I'm trying to think out of a grand total of like 51 coaches I've had football. Three of them were nice, you know, the rest were just fucking angry and scary and spit tobacco at you and throw.

C (18:26)

They used the practice as their personal therapy. It was cheap therapy for them to just get scream therapy.

A (18:31)

The guy from LA Valley Junior College liked to reach for his dip and he'd throw it at you like a fatty.

C (18:39)

Just pull it out.

A (18:40)

Yeah, just throw it at you, right? So. So it'd be. He was like an old time gunslinger where it's like, you know, hey, Marshall, the Dylan boys are in town. You see his hands start sliding down slowly and undo the holster strap, right? See his hands start moving up? Corolla. You don't know the difference between a gap 8 and a 6 one now do you see his hand starts creeping up and you're like, fuck, he's going for the dip, he's going for the dip. The idea that that guy could throw dip at you, oh yeah, and that was no problemo.

C (19:09)

I had one coach who had been shot through both legs in Vietnam.

A (19:13)

Oh boy.

C (19:14)

And he didn't tolerate much. He really didn't tolerate much.

A (19:21)

Well, you know, the thing that's funny is you go from football coaches and getting yelled at the whole time. You go to the Marines, you get a di, I go on a construction site, I get a foreman. And that's your DI for sure for on a construction site. And those guys are the same dudes. This guy was on a. He was on a mine sweep in Vietnam. Mike Stromat, he was angry all the fucking time. And he took it out on you. But I don't know, I got used to it. And I also knew they were trying to make you better. Because now I realize when I start talking to my kids and they just be like, the volleyball coach is mean. I go, what do you mean mean? They're just yelling all the time. I go, what do you think he's trying to do?

C (20:09)

Mean.

A (20:09)

You know, it's like he's not in the business of being mean. He's trying to win games. So he's seeing.

C (20:15)

He's seeing a deficiency in your performance.

A (20:17)

You're perceiving it as meanie. I never perceived it as mean. I perceived it as they wanted to win.

C (20:24)

I always. That's.

A (20:25)

And I think.

C (20:25)

I don't know, maybe I was able. I was coachable. I could receive a lesson. I might not like it. I didn't like to be shamed, and I didn't like to be embarrassed. Nobody does. But the coaches were pretty good about spreading it around.

A (20:39)

Yes.

C (20:39)

Everybody was going to get theirs at some point. Right. You just didn't. I hated the days when it was my turn, but okay, if I screwed up. But it also made me, you know, as a. As a young person, your mind drifts. Some of those lessons are boring when they're going running through plays or whatever. It's hard to stay focused all the time. But, you know, you get yelled at enough by either a sergeant instructor or a coach. You know, your focus goes up a little bit. You pay a little more attention.

E (21:06)

Yeah.

A (21:06)

And you tend not to make the same mistakes over and over again, especially if the deal is you run in laps if you make the mistake. And by the way, you're not running laps. The whole team's running laps. But you can thank Mr. Riggle, gentlemen. Thank. Make sure and thank Mr. Riggle on that lap, because that's why you're running laps.

C (21:27)

It's great. And that's the thing, too. Like shame. Like that.

A (21:29)

Oh, good.

C (21:30)

It works.

A (21:31)

I fucking am.

C (21:32)

It works. But somewhere along the way with these, I can point fingers at a lot of people that I think are the culprits. But shame has been removed from the toolbox of teaching.

A (21:46)

Yes. And it became. It's kind of an interesting thing. I think it's a sort of shift from the masculine to the feminine in that. I distinctly remember trying to teach my son when he was probably about nine. And I was going. I was saying to him, I'm going to teach you how to do a proper push up. Like I said, nine. Could have been 10. And I sort of had him in the living room, and I was kind of going to put your hands about shoulder length and whatever. And he was kind of. I don't know if he was fucking with me, but he was kind of not doing it the way I was telling him to do it, you know? And he was being a little passive aggressive, which isn't his personality at all. He's super easy and whatever. But I was like, all right, his arm would Go out. I'd go, no, no, put it. I even. I think I took a piece of tape or something. I put it on the ground, I put another, and I go, put your hands on the tape. And he'd. He'd put them wider, and I'd go, what are you doing on the tape? Let's go. You know? And at some point, my wife. Ex wife, but my wife at the time, she, like, came back, she's like, well, what are you yelling about? Or something. I said, I'm trying to teach him to do a proper push up, but he's not cooperating, you know, and he's like, I don't know what to do. Like, he knew he had an ally, you know, and she's like, why? You're upsetting him? You know? And he knew, like, immediately like, oh, this is gonna.

C (23:16)

This is my out.

A (23:17)

This is my out. And he's gonna. I don't know. He keeps yelling at me. And I'm like, I'm not yelling. I'm trying. And she's like, come here. Leave me alone. And they, like, left the room. And I'm like, okay, mission accomplished. But it's a.

C (23:30)

That out. You can't have that out all the time, right?

A (23:32)

But it's the feminine out. And in the past, we went, we had roles, and we said, listen, I'm gonna teach a boy how to do a push up. Why don't you get in the kitchen and make something to eat when we're done, we're gonna want to eat. But we decided you can no longer do that. So now they've wandered out and they've assumed both roles. And that's not good. It's not good for young boys.

C (23:59)

So my grandfather. We have a farm in our family. So my grandfather and my dad and myself, you know, we all worked the farm. I still do to this day. But when I was young, I couldn't wait until I got to go with dad out into the fields or out. Whatever project they were doing. I don't know, fixing fence, you know, tagging cattle, checking crops, cutting milkweed, whatever the chore was of the day. I just wanted to go with that. I wanted to go with that. I wanted to go. Dad finally got to go big enough to go with dad. Nine years old, something like that. Dad worked for 12 hours out there. You know, I hated it. Yeah, I was done after 2.

A (24:44)

Oh, yeah, right.

C (24:45)

I was done done. But dad said, you know, this is the deal. You're out here with the men today. This is what we're going to do. Eventually, about hour four, he would take mercy and let me go sit in the truck. But that was about as good as it got for me. Then I'd have to come back out after an hour or so and get back to work or whatever. But I realized how much this sucks, you know. But I didn't get an out. I didn't have anybody coming and say, well, let him come with us to the water slide. Let him come with us to the.

A (25:12)

You will, yes. You will take that out immediately.

C (25:16)

I would have taken it in a heart if my mom showed up and gave me the out. I would have taken it at that age. But because I didn't have the out, you just. You kind of get a callus for it. You kind of say, oh, this is the standard.

A (25:29)

You had a David Koechner, I think story in the book. I had a weird. Let me tell you what happened with me and Keckner, like three weeks ago. I don't think I mentioned it on the podcast, but I was like flying home from one of my many. I don't know where. Florida's. No, I was in DC, I think it was DC. Anyway, a lot of two show, late night, early morning Ubers, you know, 5:30am, whatever. I end up sitting on an airplane. I don't even know what day it is. And I'm like trying to, you know, And I. I'm in first class. I went in the very front and I hear this like, kind of guy behind me. It's like, hey. And I turn around, I'm looking sort of through the seats a little like above. I go, yeah. And he goes, who let you into that seat? And I go, I don't know.

C (26:24)

It's too early for this.

A (26:24)

You're like, I don't know what you call a seat. It's a guy with a full beard and a cowboy hat. He goes, we let you get in that seat. I go, I don't know. I booked it from before. I don't know. I bought the seat. Shouldn't be in that seat. It's first class seat. And I'm like looking at the guy going, what the fuck is going on here?

C (26:46)

Who is this?

A (26:47)

It's Keckner with a cowboy hat and a beard.

C (26:51)

I knew he had a beard.

A (26:52)

He has a beard and a cowboy hat. And I can't process. I cannot process it at that hour of the morning what we're talking about. But anyway, it was. And we had a nice talk all the way back to la, but good dude.

C (27:06)

Yeah, Love that.

A (27:07)

Guy.

C (27:07)

Yeah, he's, he's salt of the earth. He's, he's a hard working man and.

A (27:13)

Well, he comes from rural America.

C (27:16)

Yeah, he comes from Tipton, Missouri, which is, I know that town well because my, our family farm is not far from it.

A (27:21)

Oh, really?

C (27:22)

Yeah. So, yeah, between, between Boonville and Tipton. Highway 50 goes through Tipton and Highway 5 connects. There's a junction called 5 and 50. It's right in the middle of Tipton. There's a burger joint there I use, I've been going through my whole life since I was a kid. And then our farm is kind of up towards Boonville, you know, 15, 20 miles away.

A (27:47)

And what did he do? Was he one of your first coaches?

C (27:50)

He was kind of improv. He was just a, I would say a mentor in a way, because he was. So I did, I knew him through a friend. That's it. I didn't know him at all, but through a friend. He knew I was in, My friend knew I was in New York. And you know, she said, well, you ought to talk to Dave. You know, Dave's, he's, he just got off Saturday Night Live. He just did a year there. He's, he does improv in Chicago and he did all this stuff and he's, you know, I figured he'd been on snl, you know, the guy pretty dang good. So he was really gracious to me in the fact that he didn't know me from Hole in Wall. It's one of these, you know, you get a call from somebody and it's like I'm friends with so and so and wondered if I could have a coffee with you. And he said yes. And it was in New York and so we went and had coffee and he took the time to kind of let me tell my story. Like I'm trying real hard and I don't know what to do. And what do you suggest? And I'm taking class and I just tried stand up and I hated it. It's not what I thought it would be. And, and he was like, well, let's figure this out. And he kind of said, well, I've got some friends who just moved here, Amy Poehler and Matt Besser and Matt Walsh and Ian Roberts and they're kind of the UCB from Chicago and they're doing long form improv and you might like it. Check the show out and tell them I sent you. So he got me pointed in that direction. And then when I went to ucb, I really enjoyed what they were Doing, and then took all their classes and went through, you know, ended up teaching there and doing the whole thing. And then eventually came back to stand up. Because I started stand up, I hated it. I wasn't any good at it. I didn't like anything about it. Went to improv, loved it. Got confidence on stage, and then came back to stand up later.

A (29:27)

That's so weird because you and I have some of the same. Quite a bit of the same trajectory because I started off playing football and then construction, but Marines, not that different. And then tried to do standup. Deemed myself not good at it and didn't feel like it was a good fit. I felt I just got up there, did it 25 times. I was like, this is not your best work. You're not where you're supposed to be with this. And then went from that to the Groundlings and then got to the Groundlings. It was like, oh, this feels more like where you're supposed to be. Yeah. Went all the way through that and then got back into stand up later.

C (30:17)

That's pretty much the exact same thing.

A (30:18)

I did right when I first.

C (30:21)

When I first did the standup, I literally just. I didn't know where to begin. I was in the Marines, and I was. I got myself to New York and I said, okay, I'm going to start chasing this dream. And I literally went to a standup club in my neighborhood on the Upper east side, Comic Strip live. And in the window, it said classes. So I was like, this is where it starts. So I walked in and took the classes. Eight weeks. The guy hated teaching. He was over it. He was like, three jokes per minute, set up punch, Set up punch. I was like, but Eddie Murphy tells stories, and that's not three jokes per minute. And he's like, you're not Eddie Murphy. So I hated it. I got up and did five minutes of garbage. But going through the ucb, it gave me so much more confidence. Then when I got on the Daily Show, John Oliver, I was sharing an office with him, and he was a pure standup, very talented standup.

A (31:12)

Does he do stand up anymore?

C (31:13)

I think, yeah. Oh, yeah, I think he does. I don't know. I don't know the volume that he does it, but he's one of those guys who. He can do it without even trying. Like, he can do a whole set of just talking to the crowd.

A (31:24)

Yeah, I'm trying to think. I don't. I can't see. I'm picturing him doing stand up, and I'm not picturing it.

C (31:30)

He.

A (31:31)

I don't know where it ends up.

C (31:33)

He. I just remember he was prolific because he was a working man when it came to stand up, and he would do the work every night. And so I used to say, well, come down to UCB and do monologues for the Ass Cat show, you know, and he would. Because he can, you know, somebody can give him a suggestion. He can tell a funny story. He knows his way around. But then he was like, all right, you got to come do stand up with me. And I was like, I don't know. You know, I don't know if I want to go back to that. I'm not any good at it. I don't have any. I don't have anything. And then he was gracious with me. He said, all right, look, because New York's great. New York is great. You can get in five mics a night without even batting an eye.

A (32:10)

I don't know gay slang, but keep going.

C (32:18)

Five microphones. Five microphones.

A (32:21)

We were talking about Mike August earlier. I just understand.

C (32:26)

You can get him five microphones a night, which, you know, it's so hard to do here in la, I found living out in the burbs. But it was great because we'd leave the Daily show, we'd jump in a cab and we would go, piano room, slip room, ucb, stand up, New York, Comic Strip, live. You could hit all these.

A (32:43)

How much time?

C (32:45)

And I'd get up. I'd get up and I would do three to five minutes, and then that would be it. I'd do it the first place. And by the end of the night, after four or five mics. Microphones. Microphones.

A (32:56)

Right, sorry. I got it now.

C (32:58)

Okay, well, I just want to.

A (32:59)

Now it's New York.

C (33:04)

I have. I'd have a minute worth of material. Right, like.

A (33:10)

Because you're working it out.

C (33:11)

Yeah, because I. He was gracious with me. He would say. Because I didn't. I wasn't. I didn't have a skill set. And I. And I. And that world kind of bothered me, so I was a little agitated when we'd go to do these things, and I'd kind of get an attitude, and I'd get all pissy and fussy about it. And so he'd say, all right, look, Jesus Christ, calm down. He goes, do you have a funny story at all? I was like, yeah, I got a funny story. He goes, just tell me the story. Just tell me your story. Get up on stage and tell the story. I go, it'll take two Minutes, he goes, gret, that's it. Tell the story. So I got up and I told the story. Well, as I told the story, I embellished, you know, I heighten things, I exaggerate things like we do in comedy turns into a three minute story. Right at the end of it. We got in the cab, head to the next place. He's like, man, they were laughing hard at this, right? Big silence here. They love this part, you know, have you ever thought about maybe explaining what that looked like? And da, da, da, da. Oh, yeah, yeah. So we get the next place and I would explain more in detail, maybe embellish that and talk about. And find new things to fill out the story. And by the end of the night, I felt like I had a chunk of material. Yeah. And all I had to do was. So then the next time we'd go out, I try a new chunk or a new story or a new thing.

A (34:26)

Yeah.

C (34:26)

And just work it that night. And I mean, I was able to build, you know, a 50 minute set probably in, you know, three to six months, which.

A (34:37)

That's a.

C (34:38)

It's pretty good.

A (34:39)

No, it's real good. But that's a real commitment. Like working all day and then going out and blowing five guys named Mike doing the five. I mean, I know, like, you know, I talk to comedians who do that all the time. It just feels like so much. It is so much.

C (35:00)

Well, that's why I had the one set, right. And I toured it and I did a half of it on a Comedy Central special and I toured it for a long time. And then it was time to build a new set, Right. And then I got Fox, NFL and that was it. Then I was like, well, the money I make there is the money I'd make out killing myself on the road.

A (35:21)

Right.

C (35:22)

So we're good. So I just stopped. So I haven't done it forever, but it always nags at me because I do think about, you know, I kind of would like to build a set because there's part of me that likes to. I do. There's nothing better than. I'm sure you're experiencing it now when you get out there and you're having a great night, the audience is great, you're having fun, they're having fun. There's something special about that.

A (35:44)

Tell me about John Oliver, if he's playing, doing sets or like as a Hulu special or something, because I'm very curious about that.

C (35:53)

I saw him and Seth Meyers in Vegas at a New Year's Eve show.

A (35:59)

He just played the Met in Philly. So we see. Uh huh. Yeah.

C (36:03)

It was just a couple years ago. So I know he's still. And I.

A (36:06)

He's one of the weird. I've never. You come across, you cross paths with people, you play the Vic Theater and they go, hey John, this guy was just here. And that'll happen inevitably. And that's never happened. But anyway, we don't need to admire that. Homes.com. some might say homes.com is the best home shopping site. Maybe homes.com's super comprehensive and transparent agent directory. Or Maybe it's at. Homes.com is the only site that always directly connects you with the listing agent who knows the home the best. Perhaps it's because homes.com has the most in depth neighborhood content of any home shopping site that's extensively researched. To highlight the personality of each neighborhood. Homes.com goes above and beyond to bring home shoppers the in depth info they need to find the right home. Homes.com. that's homes.com. we've done your homework.

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A (37:47)

You know the thing about stand up, like being a good standup is they can't really take it away from you. And it's not reliant on the corporate whatever or Disney's pissed off because you crossed the line or somebody pulled an old tweet of yours and we got an issue now over at espn. There's none of that. It's just kind of you and yours in the audience and I mean Louis CK was in here a couple of weeks back. You can't cancel him. They tried, but he can't. Cause he has this standup thing.

C (38:24)

I think it's the purest form. It's the purest art form in the world. It's you, a microphone and an audience. There's no director, there's no producer. You're the writer.

A (38:35)

Right.

C (38:35)

And you're in the moment. It's so present.

A (38:38)

Yeah, I mean that's the more philosophical way of looking at it. I'm just looking at it like sort of pragmatically, like, in terms of, you can age out of movie business and you can age out of tv and you can sort of. Or you can get whatever. Piss too many people off or get on the wrong side of whatever. Covid or something like that. But standup's just stand up. And in a weird way, it's sort of. It's the way I felt about being a good carpenter. When you're a good carpenter, you just work. No one cares who you know or what your politics are. You just work. They always need good carpenters. There's never any down economy or anything. With good carpenters, you just will work, and you'll never stop working. And you don't need to advertise, and you don't need to have cards or flyers made up or magnetic signs for the side of your truck or anything. Just your phone rings and someone's got another job and they want you, and you need to tell them, I'm kind of busy. How about you use this other. No, I'll wait. I heard. I want to get with you. And so it's like you have your toolbox, you have your skill set, and you really can't be canceled. And you can always make a living. And in a way, that's what standup is. The movies, TV comes and goes, Topsy, turvy, whatever. Here today, gone tomorrow, or what have you. But standup is that toolbox and that skill.

C (40:03)

You know, it's so funny, I'm sitting here listening to you nodding my head, going, God dang it, I gotta get back in this. I want to get back in.

A (40:08)

You're lighting the fire and the carpentry.

C (40:10)

You're like. But, yeah, you are lighting the fire, man. And, you know, I don't know if you saw. Did you ever see Jerry Seinfeld's comedian? Yeah, I saw that in the theater. I immediately went out, bought the dvd. That's how old I am, but I bought the DVD and now I have it on my iPad. Whenever I watch that thing, it. It's like, Rochin Rocky.

A (40:32)

Yeah. I get so motivated on my shadow box.

C (40:36)

I do. All of a sudden I'm like, God dang it, I am not working hard enough. I gotta do the work, get out there. No excuses. Da, da, da. Like, I get that fever again. You just got that fever going in me right now. It's pretty awesome. That feels good.

A (40:49)

I did okay. Slang fever, Mike.

C (40:53)

Fever, Mike. It's a lot of New York terms. A lot of New York terms.

A (40:57)

Evidently, I've not been to the parade. So I really don't know. I'm from North Hollywood. I'm a humble carpenter. Yeah, John Oliver's gonna be at the Beacon in New York City this weekend. I apologize to the Oliver family because he evidently is playing everywhere and I somehow miss it maybe. Is it that I don't see a special on Netflix or something with him or, sorry, HBO or whatever? Is that the reason I'm this way?

C (41:28)

Maybe. I mean, I've always known him as a very consistent stand up and maybe he's, you know, maybe he's staying east coast or New York, but he, he stay, he keeps that muscle toned and.

A (41:42)

So how did you get onto the Daily Show?

C (41:45)

I had to audition. Just like, that's it. Just like everybody else went through the meat grinder and I thought I didn't get it, to be honest with you. And here's interesting thing about that was I was, I was broke. I was down and out and I had been let go from Saturday Night Live. There had been a year since I had been let go. I'd been doing some reserve drills. I was in command of staff college down at Miramar, you know, on the weekends. And I was trying to find work wherever I could. I got, my buddy and I, Rob Hubel, we got a deal to write a pilot for NBC.

A (42:21)

Oh, Rob.

C (42:22)

Yeah, we wrote that pilot. Didn't get picked up. We weren't even going to start. We just wrote the pilot for him. But I was piecing together work. But I had a, I had a wife and a daughter, a newborn daughter. And I felt the heavy hand of responsibility and I'm trying, I was hooking and jabbing, but I was, we were running out of money and I was running out of options and I just didn't know what was going on as far as where the money was going to come from. So I got this audition. I had just moved the family out here to la and I got an audition for the Daily Show. So I'm like, sure. I was taking any audition I could went in. I did well enough. They were like, John wants to have you in the studio to read with him. So I thought, okay, great. But you know, it was that, it was, it was a shot clock. You know, I was, I was down to my last couple seconds and had I not gotten the Daily Show? I had a, I had a plan in place to go back on active duty, which was at the height of the Iraq Wars, 2006. And they were getting ready to do the surge. And you know, they were, they were they needed bodies. They were. I was. I was going to be picked up very quickly.

A (43:30)

Sorry, who's Serge? I don't know. The mike search.

C (43:35)

No, you've heard. I know you've heard of these things. The military surge.

A (43:40)

Surge is a name of a guy who doesn't wear an undershirt under, like, a blazer.

C (43:46)

Yes, that's true. Cabana boy.

A (43:49)

Yeah.

C (43:50)

But had I not gotten the. The Daily Show, I had a plan to go back on active duty. And so when I blew the audition, I thought I blew the audition. I actually stepped out onto the sidewalk. It was in the summer. I remember. I remember it was hot as hell in New York, and I had a flip phone and I. I called my wife at the time. I called her and I just said, hey, I'm sorry. I think I blew it. But don't panic. Don't worry. We're not going to be out in the street. We're not going to be, you know, you don't have to move in with our parents. We're going to be fine. I'm going to go back on active duty. We're going to get medical coverage. We're going to get, you know, we're going to get a paycheck on the 1st and the 5th.

A (44:33)

15Th. Sure.

C (44:34)

And we're going to be okay. So don't worry. Okay? Don't panic. Everybody's going to be fine. And then they gave me the job so I didn't have to do.

A (44:44)

Reminded me of a story I haven't told in a million years, which was when I got Loveline, the TV show I was in New York doing with Kevin and Bean. Morning. Kroq and Jimmy. And Jimmy. And I used to look at going to New York. New York. I'm from North Hollywood, and I never got any further than, like, let's say, Van Nuys or Reseda, you know, in terms of range, because we didn't have cars that made it. They would overheat. You know, like old Dodge Darts and VW Squarebacks and stuff. Like, we. I was limited to like a four and a half mile radius of my house as far as I could ride a Huffy. And then, like, everyone had a junker car, no range. And then no one had any money, but no one had credit cards. My family, no one in my family owned a credit card. So you couldn't get airline tickets. Just couldn't do normal things, you know, So I was. I'd never been anywhere, and I was 30. And, you know, Kevin and Bean were going to New York for The MTV Music Awards, and they're gonna be there all week. And we're gonna broadcast from the Television and Radio Museum in New York City. And it was somehow we sort of finagled them into getting me to go along. I was kind of an ancillary character. But Jimmy volleyed, you know, he rallied hard to get me to go. And it was a lot like, you know, we stay in a crappy hotel and everything flew. Tower Air doesn't exist. You have to take a. By the way, if you have to take a bus to get on a plane, that's not like, first you have to take a donkey to the bus, then the bus will take you to the.

C (46:32)

Had to move a chicken cage.

A (46:34)

I mean, literally taking a bus, because they didn't have a terminal. They just had this plane parked in the middle. And we went. I think we went one year, we went like 94. And then we used to just count down the days. And Jimmy, who spent his youth in New York, just sort of declared himself the sort of ambassador of New York, because I knew zero and he knew not that much. But I was from North Hollywood. We're going to go here, then we're going to go there, and I'm going to introduce you to my uncle who's in Brooklyn, and we're going to eat and then we're going to Little Italy. All we did was, like, real touristy shit. You know, we're going to get gelato and in Little Italy. But it was such a big deal for us just to be gone in New York and working and at the Television and Radio Museum, of all places, in middle of Manhattan. And Jimmy and I were in love. You know, we'd go out. We're going out for beers at Dr. Jekylls and Mr. Hyde's or whatever tonight. It's going to be awesome. Goddamn, it's gonna be great. And I think the second year, we'd have it marked on the calendar. And it'd even be like, we would leave on Friday, not like on Sunday, we'd leave on Friday. So we could get an extra two days in there before we had to come back. And it would be glorious, you know. And I got there and I think I'd been there for like a day. And the phone rang and it was like, we got the Loveline audition. We need you to come back. And I was like, no, no, I'm not.

C (48:12)

I have a plan.

A (48:13)

I'm not gonna get.

C (48:14)

This doesn't match my plan.

A (48:15)

I don't get any auditions. I'm no Good with auditions. It's Loveline, the TV show. I go, it's not. I'm gonna fly back. I'm gonna screw the pooch on the audition, and then I'm gonna be stuck back in LA in my apartment, because New York Kroc's not flying me back again, and neither are you guys. And then Jimmy's just gonna be there without me. And we want no MTV Awards, no museum, no Mr. Hyde. Said Dr. Jekylls. No, I don't want to. I don't want to do it. And they're like, you got to do it. Yeah, you got to do it. Dr. Drew. It was all Dr. Drew said, I don't know that guy. Get that guy. Because no one else thought of me.

C (48:53)

They couldn't give you a little kush on the dates? Like, you couldn't come in a couple days later.

A (48:56)

They're like, they're killing you. We gotta do this tomorrow, man. And I was like. And so I go. It's so funny. I go. I literally go, listen, I'm not good in the inter. I'm not good with the audition. I'm good for the show, but I'm not good. I've never been good. I get nervous. I get sweaty. It's not gonna work. I can't read a cue card. It's not gonna work. We need you in person. And so I go get Mark DeCarlo, and they're like, what? I go, the guy, he hosts, Studs. He's gonna be great. Studs.

C (49:35)

You're giving away lovely. You're giving it away.

A (49:37)

Studs is off the air. Yeah, it was a big popular show, like, two years ago or whatever. Mark DeCarlo's free. Get him to do it. He's a pro. He's a pro. I don't know. I've never been on TV before. I'm gonna. And they're like, what? And I'm like, I'm gonna fly back to LA, do the stupid audition for 30 minutes. Screw the pooch. You'll say, thank you very much. And I'm going back to my apartment in Toluca Lake with my roommate while these guys are in New York, living.

C (50:09)

Large, living my dream.

A (50:11)

Living my dream. And they go, we're sending a ticket, or whatever. You're coming back. So I go back.

C (50:19)

Good choice.

A (50:20)

And I go there the following morning and go to Hollywood Center Studios, and we go to the soundstage. And the soundstage, there's no windows in the sound. It's completely black, but it's lit up and they piece together a little makeshift stage. I put a telephone and a desk, a folding chair. And they go, you and Drew sit there, and we'll just do calls from the back. And you just answer how you would answer a question or something. And so me and Drew are doing it, and I'm doing pretty good. Because I grew up listening to Loveline, and Drew never worked with me, but I knew Drew. Cause I was a KROQ fan, and I would listen to Loveline, I would work. I built the gym at night. I would listen to Loveline all night and have my answers worked out.

C (51:07)

What year is this?

A (51:09)

This is 95 now. It must have been. And so I was kind of grooving with it just because I was totally familiar with the format from listening to the radio show for 10 years.

C (51:21)

That helps.

A (51:22)

And I kind of knew Drew, like, I felt like. And so I ended up being, like, in a weird way, we're old partners. Except for he never met me. But I knew him, and I knew how he would do this. So it went good. And I was like, hey, this has gone pretty good. Feeling pretty good. It was all improv. So I was like, I'm good with the improv.

C (51:41)

Love that. I love when you don't have to do a lot of prep.

A (51:43)

You're just.

C (51:44)

You're yourself, and you're nailing it.

A (51:45)

It. Yeah, right. And I was grooving, and I was feeling good. And so they go. Finally, after, you know, a half hour, they call. They go, hey, man, that was. That was some good stuff. And I go, yeah, thanks. I felt. Felt pretty good, you know? Yeah, well. Yeah, nice job. I know you'll be hearing from us. You know, we only got about a day. We got to turn this thing around because they flew me out. You know, they didn't have any time, but. But. But. Good job. Good job. Good job, Adam. And you can just see your way out to the parking lot. And then they always do this when they go. Drew, hang behind for a second. Just got a couple technical questions for you. But, Adam, good job, buddy. You'll be hearing from us. And I start feeling my way to get out to the door. Cause now it's all black in the place. It's not that light. And it's like the middle of the day, Southern California. And I go to push the door open to. To leave, and the door pulls itself open. Like somebody was literally opening it as I was reaching to push it. So I barely touched the door, and the door swings open, and it's all light. It's all just daylight.

C (52:51)

Yeah. Blinding.

A (52:52)

Blinding.

C (52:53)

Yeah.

A (52:54)

When I see the silhouette of a guy standing there, and I literally, like, bump into him and go, oh, sorry, man. He goes, hey, man, it's Mark DeCarlo.

C (53:07)

It's Mark DeCarlo.

A (53:09)

And they told Drew had to hang back for some paperwork or something, but for those same saddle. Hit the bricks.

C (53:14)

Hit the bricks. Because we got another one coming in.

A (53:16)

Carlo coming in. And I went to the parking lot and I sat in my car like, jesus Christ. I'm the one who.

C (53:22)

They wouldn't even know about the Carlo until I turned him on to him.

A (53:25)

Yes. I pitched him, Mark, to Carlo. So then I, like, I drove home. But you nailed it, right? But I've never been on TV before. And Mark DeCarlo was on Studs. And Studs was a big syndicated late night.

C (53:39)

He felt like he had a little more cachet.

A (53:41)

Well, Loveline at the time was gonna be a syndicated late night love show. It wasn't on mtv. It was a syndicated show originally.

C (53:51)

Yeah.

A (53:52)

So at that time, Adam Carolla was a carpenter, boxing coach, basically, who has zero anytime, late night, any time of the day, camera, anything. Mark DeCarlo hosted a syndicated late night love show already called Studs, which was very popular.

C (54:15)

Got it.

A (54:16)

So why wouldn't they go with that guy?

C (54:19)

Because you're that good, that's why.

A (54:21)

Well, yeah, but how's he gonna do. I don't know how. So I go. I, like, get back to my apartment. My roommate's like, how'd it go? It went good. But now there's this whole decarlo situation that I was unaware. I didn't really see that one coming.

C (54:40)

How long before you found out?

A (54:44)

I must have found out. They must have told me the next day or something like that. Cause they were in a hurry. And I remember it very clearly where I was, because my. I remember it's when my car was destroyed, because my car was parked out on the street in front of my apartment. And I was on the first floor on the balcony, and I was talking to Jimmy, who was in New York still, And I was like, how'd it go? How'd the audition go? How'd it go? I said, I went pretty good. And then at some point, there was a giant crashing noise, and he was on the phone. He goes, what was that? And I go, that was my car being destroyed. And he goes, no, seriously, what was that? I go, that was my car being destroyed. A full size Ford pickup of the drunk dude. Let me tell you how hard he sideswiped it. He hit the car and went in onto the curb and was facing me on the lawn. He didn't even sideswipe it and carry him off. He went so hard, right? He went over the curb and my car bounced out into the middle of the street. And I'm gonna go with drunk. And then he took off with two pop tires. It was crazy. It was crazy. And I remember Jimmy didn't believe me. I go, I should probably wrap up. And he goes, what? He goes, your car? I go, my car was just stolen. He goes, where's your reaction? I was like, I'm not.

C (56:10)

You're taking it very well.

A (56:12)

Later on, in the same apartment, after we cleared like 95% of the country with Loveline as a syndicated show, they pulled the plug at the very last second. We went to Napdi, we went to the conventions, we did everything. We're ready to launch. And they called me. Oh, my God, so funny. It was a year later and they were going to New York again for the MTV Awards. Jimmy and Kevin and Bean. And this time I couldn't go because I had got a TV show. So, like, you know, Jimmy's like, we're going in two weeks or whatever. And I was like, ah, man, I wish I could be there. But now we got a taping schedule and stuff. But I was envious of him.

C (56:59)

Sure.

A (57:00)

Because he got.

C (57:00)

You remember the good times?

A (57:01)

Yeah. So I was sitting in the same apartment and like, the phone rang and they're like, Adam. I'm like, yeah, we cleared the show and 95% of the market and everything. Yeah. I was supposed to start on Monday. The show got canceled. They pulled the plug. There's not going to be any show. And I go, we're not doing the show. And he goes, no. And I go, oh, okay, good. I got to call Jimmy. I got to get Plankton. And the person went, listen, seriously, I'm not joking. The show's canceled. I go, no, I heard you.

C (57:34)

I got you.

A (57:35)

I heard you. I heard you. And I hung up the phone.

C (57:37)

I gotta go. I gotta make a quick call.

A (57:38)

And I go, hey, Jimmy, good news. The show's canceled.

C (57:42)

I'm back in. I'm back in.

A (57:43)

We're gonna be Dr. Hyde's Mr. Jekylls. Yeah. This is gonna be awesome.

C (57:47)

Yeah, cannolis, those big 22 ounce beers we like.

A (57:50)

Yeah, it's gonna be awesome. I was so excited the show got canceled, so I could.

C (57:55)

So you get back to the good times.

A (57:56)

Get back to the good times.

C (57:58)

God, that's awesome. Do you remember the call you got?

A (58:01)

I got picked up a year later by mtv. That's what.

C (58:04)

So when you got the call, though, saying you got the gig.

A (58:07)

Mm.

C (58:08)

Do you remember. Do you remember where you were? You said, when you got it. Do you remember how it felt? Do you remember that feeling?

A (58:14)

I didn't have a cell phone. So when you did pre cell phone, you always knew where you were. Your fucking apartment, your landlord. I wasn't like Dantana and my 55 Thunderbirds going down the street. Yeah, Beef, what do we got? No, I was always home, otherwise I missed the call.

C (58:31)

Yeah.

A (58:31)

So I was in my apartment until it was.

C (58:33)

Feeling, though, is powerful. I don't know. It's a powerful feeling. It's like the first real validation you ever get that you're like, oh, I am doing what I think I should be doing.

A (58:43)

Yeah. And it's also a. It's a kind of a marriage and this is a third date or something. It's all new, everything. Nothing could go wrong. You don't know the person.

C (58:56)

You don't know any better.

A (58:57)

You don't know any better. It's just. It's all. It's all kind of a climb. And there's kind of a difference between climbing and what's around the next corner. And then a kind of a four corners, protect the lead. Let's not slide back down there, Right. You don't want to go backwards, right? And so you get to a point in your career where you're actually going, I don't want to go backwards. Not. I want to send, you know, and people go, well, that's a shitty attitude.

C (59:30)

But it's like a prevent defense. I always get frustrated when you watch a prevent defense.

A (59:35)

It never works.

C (59:36)

It never works. And like, well, don't do that. Just, you know, do a blitz. Do something. Put the pressure on, like, right. Don't go into this defensive mode because the opponent will capitalize. They will get the initiative. You know, you got to play to win to the. To the 000 on the clock.

A (59:52)

Yeah, I agree. But everything is sort of new and exciting and has a bunch of possibilities attached to it. And there's that feeling when it's early and you're starting something off and then there's later when it's like a sort of status quo. And then there becomes a kind of hang on thing where it's like, look, I just want to make as much money this year as I made last year. You know what I mean? Look, I'm not looking for a race There's a kind of a hang on mode. And I think it's. I think it's that way for a lot of jobs. You know what I mean?

C (60:32)

That's it, too. There's a progression, and it comes in waves. Whether you're a corporate guy or whether you're an entrepreneur or whether you're in the arts, I do think there is a wave. And, you know, when you're ascending and you're having all these great things happen, you think, oh, well, this is how it's going to be.

A (60:52)

Right?

C (60:52)

And then when it. When it goes the other way, you're like, wait a minute, wait. Then you're just trying to put the brakes on everything. You're trying to protect what you got, you know? And then it comes back and you're like, oh, wait a minute. Okay, we're back. Okay, now I found my rhythm again. And. But what I think I'm learning still is, you know, it's a wave, and it keeps coming and going and coming and going and coming and going. And you got to be smart about it so you can try to minimize that so you can kind of keep it more level, more steady. I'd rather have the slower, steady ascend than the waves, but sometimes you can't control that, you know?

A (61:25)

No, but you can't control a drunk driver t boning you either to intersection, so you might as well just get in the car.

C (61:32)

Yeah, I think that's what maybe is bothering our society. Everybody wants to control things, and a lot of things are not in their control.

A (61:40)

There is a freedom to sort of letting a lot of stuff go. And there's also a problem with an attempt at control that is, I can tell you from driving race cars and losing control of the race cars. Yanking the wheel is not going to help. It's better to relax. You'll survive the accident better if you're relaxed. You know what I mean? And there's a sort of a tense up and pull hard and overcorrect and that kind of stuff, and it's better to let it go. Isn't that interesting? You can't. But it's like telling someone who's about to go up on stage, who's really nervous, have fun out there. You know what I mean? It's like you can't yell at me to relax or have fun.

C (62:32)

The wisdom's there, but the practicality's not.

A (62:35)

Yeah, I think a lot of it is a wiring. And I've realized that the same for me, the same wiring where I get my Car destroyed, but I don't react. And I get my show canceled. But I don't react is the same. It's the same wiring I have when the car's going backwards on the track. And I'm relaxed, and I'm not relaxed because I'm not concerned. I'm relaxed because there's nothing I can do.

C (63:07)

It's not in your sphere of influence. It's not in your sphere of control at that point.

A (63:11)

Yeah, not really. I mean, I've gotten better.

C (63:16)

I try to. When I find myself this morning, I'll tell you, this morning, I woke up hot under the collar because I just had a stack of things and people that needed. They owed me answers. I need to know this. I need to know this. I need to get this done. I got to get this done. And I was. I could feel myself nodding up. And I had to have a conversation with myself where I was like, calm down. Things will get done. You'll get the call. You'll get the calls you need. You'll get the emails back you need. You've already sent out. You've done your part. So just take some breaths and don't be hard to be around. Because I can be hard to be around if I'm not. If I allow myself to nod up and be like, God damn somebody. Why didn't this person call me? And then when they do call, I'm like, well, hello. I have an attitude. So finding. I think maybe that's a maturation process, too, that you go through where you do have to learn to let go on some level. You have to develop your own tools, your own tool set for that.

A (64:20)

In the book, you're talking about your parents and bullying and sort of teaching a lesson for you, which you always hear the story in the lesson about the guy standing up for himself, but you never really hear the story about him getting his ass kicked and having a limp home. But it always seems to be the advice back. The dads were like, you gotta learn to put your dukes up and whatever. But your story with that would be interesting to me.

C (64:45)

Yeah, well, you know, that is true. The hero's story, right? Is like the bully's. You know, you stand up to the bully and then you triumph. Nine times out of ten, you stand to the bully. You take a beating.

A (64:59)

Yeah.

C (65:00)

You get an ass whooping, you get some sort of shame. You know, it's not fun, it's not cool. But what I have found is the times that when I had to stand up to someone that was bigger or Scarier than me. It didn't go well necessarily in a physical sense sometimes. But my dad always what his. His big thing was, you know, take the beating, but, you know, give it everything you got. And that way the bully will know this is not an easy mark.

A (65:34)

Yeah. Yeah.

C (65:34)

And if I'm going to continue to pick on this guy, I can plan on a full day's work.

A (65:40)

Yeah.

C (65:41)

So then they go away. They do go away. Even if they beat your ass, they go away.

A (65:45)

Well, bullies are like criminals and that they will just go to where they'll feed on weakness. Yeah. They gotta break in and that house is a deadbolt and yours just has a privacy knob. Then they'll just go the privacy knob.

C (66:01)

And kick that police resistance.

A (66:03)

Yeah, it's kind of. That's their business. And so Andrew over there was, I think his girlfriend just. The guy was just gonna go steal his catalytic converter. Her catalytic converter. And they just looked under there and they had that little cage welded on there. And the guy went to the next car, which is. Right. He could defeat the cage if he wanted. But why? There's another car.

C (66:26)

Right. Just right down there.

A (66:27)

Right. And there's another kid in the seventh grade to beat on.

C (66:30)

That's right.

A (66:31)

And this guy's work, you know, and it's most of life. I tell everyone, when I had a car and I lived in Hollywood and the only thing I had to my name was a Sony digital stereo in my truck. I just painted it brown. And everyone's like, why? And I was like, who's gonna steal a brown stereo? And they're like, genius. How's that prevent someone from stealing? I go, they can't sell it.

C (66:53)

Cause they got choices.

A (66:54)

They walk down the block, they go to the next car.

C (66:56)

They go to the next car.

A (66:57)

If the only. If everybody painted their stereo brown, then maybe they'd steal mine. Or if there were no other cars, as long as there's another car with a Sony stereo that's not painted brown, then I don't have to worry.

C (67:12)

It's return on investment.

A (67:13)

Right?

C (67:14)

It's return on investment. If a criminal's gonna do a criminal act or a bully's gonna decide to go to Fist City, that's an investment.

A (67:24)

I don't know the gay. I don't know how many times I can tell you. I didn't grow up in New York. I don't know where Fist City is. I can only imagine. But you tell your five mike buddies about Fist City, the book. It's Grit, Spit and never Quit.

C (67:41)

I walk into these, you walk into Facebook. I walk into all of them.

A (67:45)

All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll bring Rudy in. We'll do the news right after this. Ethos. When you bring a child in the world, your perspective changes overnight. I carry a lot of responsibility in my household, so when something happens to me, there are gonna be real consequences. And that's why I'm glad I found out about Ethos. Ethos makes getting life insurance fast and easy. 100% online. You can get a quote in seconds, apply in minutes, and get same day coverage. You can get up to $3 million in coverage. Some policies are as low as 30 bucks a month, so it's affordable, but it's the right thing to do and it's responsible. It's Ethos. Right, Dawson?

B (68:39)

Protect your family with life insurance through Ethos. Get your free quote in minutes@ethos.com Adam that's e t h o s.com Adam ethos.com Adam application times and rates may vary.

A (68:51)

Shopify. Well, when I started podcasting, it felt like I had to wear a thousand different hats. Set up and filming and ads and logos all fell onto my shoulders. A few people helping me, but lots and a long to do list and it kept growing. Finding a tool that can simplify things is a game changer. And for millions of businesses, that tool is Shopify. They help you build an online store that matches your brand style. They'll help you find your customers with easy to run email and social media campaigns as well. These guys are great. You run a business, you need Shopify, right? Dawson, it's time to turn those what.

B (69:39)

Ifs into with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial at shopify.com corolla go to shopify.com corolla that shopify.com corolla. It's time to check Adam's voicemail.

A (70:05)

Adam, thank you for referencing the talented Bahama Rim Band.

B (70:12)

You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744.

A (70:18)

Yeah, it was fun. Quick correction and it's not my fault, but I'll internalize it a little bit. I was trying to explain to people how long and how much and how much is involved with one cubic yard of concrete the other day and I was in the office and Chuck was sitting at his computer and I said, I know it's a lot of sacks of concrete. So I said, how many 90 pound sacks to mix up a yard of concrete? And he said, between 6 and 7. Because he was looking at the computer, and I said, okay. And then I said it. And it turns out he was off by just a skosh. It's 40 bags.

E (71:01)

Oh, yeah. That's a huge. Yeah, I mean, that's an easy mistake anyone can make.

A (71:07)

And then I said, how'd you get six or seven? He said, I think. I think because you just said a yard but not a cubic yard.

E (71:14)

Oh, okay.

A (71:15)

And then I did the thing that makes everyone hate me. I said, all right, well, let's just type in how many 90 pound sacks it takes to make a yard. And then 40 came up again, and I said, well, maybe it wasn't the cubic part, but either way, you must buy 40. 90 pound. That's the big pillowcase sack at Home Depot. 40. And put them in the back of your truck and go home and mix them up in your wheelbarrow to get 1 cubic yard of concrete. And in that beach build, I'm showing you, one caisson has approximately 20 yards of concrete in one. In one. In one. One of the 30 something caissons has 18 to 20 yards in there. So you can only imagine how much we're talking about here.

E (72:05)

But Chuck's house only used seven bags of concret for his house, so. Yes.

B (72:10)

You know, by the way, while we're correcting ourselves, I said something yesterday that was incorrect. We were talking about the Baja Marimba.

A (72:17)

Band, and I said there was a.

B (72:19)

Town in the Bay Area called Marinda. Yeah, there are two towns in the Bay Area right next to each other. One is Moraga and one is Orinda.

A (72:28)

Oh.

B (72:29)

Somehow in my mind, I put them together and made up a whole new city.

A (72:33)

I thought Marin county when you said it initially, but I was like, oh, there's another. Another one. All right.

E (72:38)

You know what, though? Maybe this is a real Texarkana moment here for you, Dawson. Maybe you just merge the two towns together.

B (72:44)

They're right next to each other, and they're both way out of my pay grade.

E (72:48)

So we're all living in Marinda.

A (72:51)

All right.

E (72:52)

All right. Let's do some news, huh? California's first partner, Jennifer Newsom, scolded journalists at a press conference.

A (72:58)

The first partner first.

E (72:59)

I know. So dumb. After her husband, Gavin Newsom, signed a bill to provide $90 million in grants to Planned Parenthood. Here is the video.

F (73:10)

We just find it incredulous that we have Planned Parenthood here and women are 51% of the population. And majority of the questions. All of these questions have really been about other issues. So it's Just fascinating. You have this incredible women's caucus and all these allies and you're not asking about it. And this happens over and over and over and over again. You wonder why we have such a horrific war on women in this country and that these guys are getting away with it because you don't seem to care. So I just offer that with love.

E (73:44)

These are.

F (73:44)

You have incredible women in this room and you have these allies. Ask about what we're here for today, don't you think?

E (73:51)

And no bigger woman.

A (73:53)

He's looking Mr. Burnsy there, he's not happy about this bitch grabbing the mic. By the way, a pox on anyone who says, and I have to say this over over and over and over and over again. You had me at the first fucking over. Yeah, I get it. There's no reason to say over. You said I have to say this over again and over and over and over. Yes. Okay, number one, Number two, this is the problem. This is the fucking problem with this society. We have a lot of allies here. We have a lot of women we represent. Like I have a lot of black friends in the black community and we should. All this false premise of just because you're black or just because you're women or just because you're Hispanic, you have to fucking band together and think the same dopey way about everything is total nonsense and bullshit. And it's the reason you fucking people don't get anywhere. It's because you look at it like, how many fucking women in comedy go, you know, the owner of the Guffaw Seller is a woman and you'd think that she would help out female comed.

C (75:02)

Well, she's.

A (75:03)

Yes, bitch. She hates you because you can't get your fucking shit together and you all hate each other. And yes, the woman who runs the Guffaw Hut over there in Cincinnati is a bitch to all the women who come in. Yeah. So get the fuck over it. And guess who gets to fly everywhere he goes? I get to do whatever I want cuz I'm just a dude. And I don't assume because. Well, you know Steve Finkelstein who runs the, the Cincinnati Laugh Barrel? I mean, you think it's a straight guy as a white guy, give me a little stage time. But no.

E (75:41)

Well, I'm doing it next weekend.

A (75:42)

The Laugh Barrel.

E (75:43)

Yes.

A (75:43)

I mean, the whole point is. No, he's not your friend. No, he's just a fucking guy who runs a club. He might be a douche. Yeah, I don't think that it's like you think of, like, you know, like, well, Stephen Colbert. I mean, the guy's over 6 foot. He's a comedian. He's a white guy. He's heterosexual. I don't get why there's not more love.

C (76:01)

You know?

A (76:01)

It's like, fuck that guy.

E (76:02)

He's a douche.

A (76:03)

He doesn't like me. I don't like him. It's easy. But for some reason, women all just need to fucking band together all the time. It never happens. You hate each other. It's not gonna work. Stop counting on it. And same with black people. Oh, we just get a black mayor elected, then they would do something for the people on the south side. No, they don't. They don't do anything. They don't give a fuck.

E (76:25)

Yeah.

A (76:26)

Stop thinking they will.

E (76:27)

Yeah.

A (76:28)

This is the real white privilege. I don't think anybody's gonna do anything for me because they're white. My parents are white. They didn't do anything. Why should the guy runs the fucking joke barrel do anything for me?

E (76:38)

You're right. We're in Cincinnati. March shot owned the Cincinnati Reds. As a racist. You think she would put Adam Carrell.

A (76:44)

Come on, let me get a little Shotzi Love in. I love. She had a dog named Shotzi.

E (76:51)

Love it, man.

A (76:52)

Yes. Okay. This dumb bitch. And by the way, the first partner, also, this is a woman who basically accused Weinstein of rape and then went back to Weinstein for, like, donations or advice or whatever. So color me dubious when it comes to whatever her motivations are about all women being strong and staying together. How about Ewan Weinstein Seemed like, could have taken a different stand with that guy.

E (77:22)

And as she's up there saying, look at this incredible panel of women. There's no bigger woman. And then one standing to your left right now, sweetheart, because there he is.

A (77:32)

Newsom had a face like, okay, let's get off that. He looked like. He looked like. He looked like John Lennon's face when he was singing with Chuck Berry and Yoko grabbed the mic and was like, last night, you see John's face, I go, fuck, somebody Cut this bitch off.

E (77:55)

And here's the thing. The people, the women that she is talking about give cockamamie bullshit answers. If she had regular, normal thinking women that were up there, you'd go, you know what? Feel free to ask any question that you want because we have answers for all of them. But the women that you surround yourself with do nothing but pander and give out nonsense. And that's why we can't ask any questions. Right?

A (78:13)

Also, you're not supposed to be. I know it's the new world order, but. And you can restart the clock, Dawson. Or somebody. There's this expectation like, well, I'm gonna go in front of these people and then you guys are gonna ask softball questions that I wanna answer, not hard questions that I don't wanna answer. And it's like, fuck you. They're journalists. They can ask whatever the fuck they want. Asshole, you're the governor of California. They don't have to just lob softballs at you and ask you shit. Your wife wants us to. To ask, by the way. Play that thing one more time. I'm curious about one thing. I'm not a scholar, but she said. I think she. Let's just listen to what she said it positively.

F (79:02)

We just find it incredulous that we have Planned Parenthood here and women are 51%.

A (79:09)

Okay, okay, okay. We got it. And people are wearing pink stuff, so you should listen up. I don't know that I'm not sure that we can find things that are incredulous. I think I can be incredulous, but I'm not sure. And Dawson, Andrew, you gotta look it up. I can be incredulous, but I don't know that we can be incredulous. I mean, I guess you could as a group, but it's a weird way to use incredulous. Either way, you know the thing that's funny? All the deep leg crossing dudes, when you go to their whatever page, it says husband, father to first or to first partner, father to Tammy and Kelsey and whatever it is. And then you get a few things down and go, governor. All the Republicans are like, fucking President King, Governor. And I can't remember this bitch's name. But they don't do the dad first thing.

E (80:06)

Yeah, Total ass kicker. Crush your face. Yeah, that's what you want.

A (80:10)

Mm. Incredulous. Unwilling or unable to believe something. Yeah, I got that. Being skeptical. No, I'm not asking what incredulous means.

B (80:23)

Yes, it can be used as a we. We are incredulous. I think it's just the wrong word to use.

A (80:29)

Yeah, but I never heard the we in front. I never hear it with the we. It's just I'm. Or he's. Anyway, go ahead. Sorry. What's your next story, Rudy?

E (80:37)

Next story. All right, here we go. So they made the announcement today. Reverend Jesse Jackson is dead at 84. The civil rights pioneer and Baptist minister who Twice ran for U.S. president has died, according to his family.

A (80:50)

Well, always sad when someone dies. But probably good for black people because they don't need the hustle. It hurts. The hustle hurts them. So he's been essentially hustling his whole fucking life. So it's always good because the hustle. Here's the problem. If you believe it doesn't matter what the religion or color is, if you think you have somebody out there doing your work for you or getting you something, it's gonna hurt you and your momentum. And all the race hustlers are just like, hey, I'll take it from here. And I think the black community wasn't helped at all when Obama became president. Cuz they're like, all right now Obama's the president that's gonna take care of all the problems. But you still go home to whatever your problems are in your community or in your home. And Obama is powerless to fix it. Just like Jesse Jackson can't fix any of it. Just like Al Sharpton can't fix any of it. It. But as stated before, the real white privilege is knowing that when we get a white president, he's not gonna fix anything for me because I'm white. They have this presumption that if we can get a female president, then it's gonna help the females. And if we can get a black president, that's gonna help the blacks. And by the way, it's a little window into their racist thinking. Like once we get one of my guys in charge, fuck all you guys, he's gonna help me. Which is a racist thought, but we don't have those racist thoughts. Asians, by the way, don't think that way at all. They don't have, there's no Asian representation, there's no Asian. We don't need an Asian in the Oval Office. We don't have a House of Asian affairs or something. There's no version of Jesse Jackson for Asians. Cuz the Asians go, fuck it, I'm gonna work my ass off and I'll go right, right to the top and nothing will hold me back. Other people go, we have this guy fighting for us. He never fights for you. He enriches himself and you get fucking nowhere. And then 50 years goes by and then we have to have great respect for these people, except for they're not doing anything for this group and they never speak the truth. But he'll be a mess.

E (83:06)

Yeah, well, as a guy who lived in Minneapolis through Covid and George Floyd, I had to drive around all these, these, you know, these long convoys of black SUVs in my city for three weeks while they were there at the funeral and consoling all of the constituents of Minneapolis who were going through such a hard time. Well, Renee Goode got shot in the face. And guess who didn't show up to Minneapolis to console anybody?

A (83:30)

Danny Bonaduce.

E (83:31)

Absolutely. Yes. Although he was driving a Ford Focus. It wasn't a bunch of black SUVs.

A (83:36)

Yeah, no, that's. That's the whole thing. And here's the other thing, too, which is my white privilege. I don't need to turn Joey Buttafuoco into a folk hero because he's a white dude. I go, that guy's a piece of shit. You have to take pieces of shit and turn them into folk heroes. The greatest thing ever. I don't know if you have it, Dawson. We can find it. But it is Mayor Fry. You're Mayor Fry. Leaning on one knee against George Floyd's coffin, crying, crying, oh, how are we gonna survive without another criminal on the streets? That is the greatest piece of tape ever. Seeing that fucking retard actor take a knee and pretend to cry. Pretend to cry while the black national anthem is like, he's weeping out loud. What a fucking piece of shit this guy is. He's so upset. Why is he so upset? Yeah, he's very upset.

E (84:33)

He's very upset. Cause the cameras are rolling and he.

A (84:35)

Knows that they're all right.

E (84:36)

Yeah, he doesn't have a choice, Right.

A (84:37)

Later on, he's going to this little out of the way Somalian joint. Gonna enjoy a nice dinner. Such a pile of shab. It's sociatric. Oh, he's visibly moved. No. Yeah, yeah. You can never. Where are we gonna find more criminals to replace this one?

E (84:56)

48 hours before that? I showed you guys that video of people in Minneapolis while they were down protesting, throwing his ass off the street, telling him to hit the bricks.

A (85:05)

Yes. All right, so the real white privilege is I don't have to go pretend when a white criminal gets taken down by a cop. I don't have to go pretend to grieve.

E (85:15)

Yeah.

A (85:15)

I can just go. That's one less criminal for us to deal with.

E (85:19)

Yeah.

A (85:19)

Yep. And George Floyd's brother had to stand next to Biden on the lawn. That was awesome. The White House while Biden was completely out of it. That was awesome.

E (85:29)

There was a video you and I talked about. Not on the show, but I think. I think we talked about it. One day. There was a guy in Minneapolis who was basically saying, like, the Floyd family can go pound sand. They got a $27 million settlement from the city and they came back and they did nothing for this community. And everybody was flabbergasted. Andrew, see if you can find that video. Just Google. Black man talks about George Floyd family from Minneapolis and he is losing his mind. It's like during all the ice riots. Everybody's down there protesting and this one guy in a sea of protesters is telling everybody, you guys are all on the wrong side of history on this one.

A (86:03)

100%.

E (86:04)

Yeah.

A (86:05)

So anyway, there'll be no more race hustling. O'Reilly, O'Reilly Auto Parts. They're in the business of keeping your car on the road. They offer friendly, helpful service and all the knowledge you need. If I can't figure out something with my car, if it's having an issue, it's always my first call. That's O'Reilly. They have thousands of parts in stock and can test your battery for free. Need wipers, a brake light or quick fix. They'll get you the parts you need. Everyone who works there is knowledgeable and friendly. The professional parts people, O'Reilly, are your one stop shop for DIY auto stuff in store or online. It's always going to be O'Reilly Auto Parts. Right?

B (86:57)

Dawson, stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam.

D (87:05)

At Pluto TV, we're celebrating Black History Month with our free curated collection of black entertainment. No ifs, ands or buts about catch award winning films like Dreamgirls, Monsters Ball and Self.

A (87:18)

We must make a massive demonstration.

D (87:20)

Iconic hits like School Days and Set It Off. Plus full seasons of shows like Tyler Perry's Sisters and Power. I got you it star studded, brilliant black entertainment. And it's all free. It's getting good this month and always on Pluto TV stream. Now pay never.

E (87:38)

Yeah, while you're looking for that, Andrew, they made an announcement today.

A (87:40)

Ace.

E (87:41)

You're gonna be stoked about this. After nearly a decade away from the Octagon, Ronda Rousey will step into the cage once again as the former UFC superst to make her MMA return against another legend, your favorite, Gina Carano.

A (87:55)

Yeah. All right, let's watch this. Oh, she's coming back. She's kicked the camera. Yeah.

E (88:01)

Carano picks it up. She's a smoke show, huh? Corona's got some size on her, huh? Like compared to Roundup? Yeah, she's definitely man on Netflix. Jake Paul's people are putting this together.

A (88:14)

It's a good call.

E (88:15)

Yeah.

A (88:15)

It'll be. It'll be fun. They'll get paid. I'm sure it's a payday for both of them. I don't think any of them want to really fight, but I mean, for a big time payday. Yeah, for sure. I mean, Rousey will be favorite, I'm sure, but not by a ton.

E (88:29)

No.

A (88:29)

It'd be interesting.

E (88:31)

I had also heard through the grapevine that Tyson's going to be fighting Floyd Mayweather. I don't know if it's this. I just saw a quick post about that. I don't know if they put any. This isn't. I don't think it's on the same card. It can't be. They would. You would think they would want. Also, I don't know if I want to see Mike Tyson fight again after that Jake Paul fight. I don't know.

A (88:50)

Yeah, I'm good. Yeah. Boxing's a lot like porn. It gets sad at a certain age. Yeah.

E (88:56)

Yeah, I do. The joke now where he lost to Jake Paul, like he would have lost to Jake from State Farm. It's pretty terrible to watch.

A (89:04)

Yeah.

E (89:04)

So another video that just came out. An Australian political activist and online provocateur has mocked Billie Eilish's anti ICE rhetoric and says he was deported from the United States after immigration authorities questioned him over social media posts joking about moving into the singer's California home. This guy's name is drew Pavlou. Pavlou, 24, claimed on a series of expos that he was detained at LAX for roughly 30 hours for threatening. Yeah. An Australian activist claims Billie Eilish got him deported.

A (89:38)

Billie Eilish reported me to ICE and.

E (89:40)

Got me deported from the US Drew Pavlou flew. Flew to the US after Billy criticized ICE at the Grammys and referred to America as stolen land.

A (89:48)

No one is illegal on stolen land.

E (89:50)

An Australian activist took her words literally and started a GoFundMe to fly over and live in her $6 million Malibu beach house.

A (89:58)

Packing my bags right away. Let me pause it for a second. Okay. She has a Malibu beach house because then there's another house. And I don't know if the Malibu land is supposed to be. I don't. She has one like that. Okay, so she has one place that's like in Toluca, Lakey, whatever, something. Glen. Some sort of area. It's not really Glendale. There's a community which is basically where the streets hit the LA river and sort of Toluca, Glendale. Y. It's not really Glen. Well, anyway, point Is she's got a bunch of acreage there, but I never heard anything about Malibu. And that was like an $8 million house, so. Maybe. But people do have a Malibu house. So maybe she's got the Malibu place and that, but I don't know which tribes lived in Malibu. I gotta figure that one out. Yeah, yeah.

E (91:00)

They didn't put a casino on top of it. Ah, man.

A (91:04)

All right, so anyway. Sorry. More of him.

E (91:05)

Yeah, so, yeah. Have you got any more video of that guy by chance he. Oh, maybe not.

A (91:12)

Does Billie Eilish live in Malibu? While Billie Eilish gained fame for. Blah, blah, blah, she owns a multi million dollar beachfront mansion in Malibu. Okay, so she's got the Malibu and like the Toluca, like Glendale one. Okay, so he just wanted to fly over the Malibu one. Sorry.

E (91:33)

At LAX for 30 hours, grilled about his entire activist history and deported.

A (91:38)

Honestly, I can't even be really mad because it's kind of funny.

E (91:40)

Pavlou said her legal team tipped off dhs and agents already had a full dossier on him.

A (91:46)

They're asking me, how do you know Billie Eilish? Do you intend to trespass? No, of course not, man. It's a joke.

E (91:53)

So much for stolen land when it is her own luxury mansion. Liberal hypocrisy at its finest.

A (91:58)

I think it was actually a total victory. All these people are laughing at me. No, it's actually a total victory. I managed to get left wingers and Billie Eilish to support arts. There's this weird time we're living in which is people are being asked to do things like simultaneously. You have to go. As an artist, you have to go, look, my art is about sharing my art with the people. And the fans are number one. And giving back to the fans through my artistry is my number one goal. And then the. You just got $7 million to go to Dubai. Yeah, well, that too. You just played the Sultan of Dubai's goddaughter's wedding for $7 million. And just outside the wedding, they were beating women with chains and throwing gay guys off roofs. Yeah, I'm an artist and so I would do this for free because of the art. And it's like, okay, dickhead, you just went to Dubai, so stop. So what we're doing. And I was always smart, I was like, fucking pay me and I'll do something I don't wanna do, but I'll do it for the money. And people are like, whoa, whoa. But what about money? I go, yeah, yeah, money, money. It's fine. You have a skill. I did carpentry for the money. Now I do this for the money. And I'm not getting on an airplane unless I get paid. But you guys have to pretend like you don't care about money, but you have multi million dollar properties all over the place and security and triple gated communities but you won't admit you like fucking money. It's the whole fucking Al Gore, John Edwards thing. Like, it's like, how did you get to Davos for the climate summit? I flew private. But what about the carbon? Yeah, why don't you. Well, it would take too long to sail here. No one said take a schooner. Bitch said take an American Airlines flight. Like so. You have to simultaneously talk about defending the climate, caring about the climate, and how much carbon emission that cow is putting out. Meanwhile, you've circled the globe 800 times in your own fucking private jet. That's weird. Now if you're Jake Paul, you go, I fucking like money and I like private jets, so fuck y'.

E (94:17)

All.

A (94:17)

And you just fly away. And no one listens. No one cares. Cause you don't do the first part. Hollywood has to go, I care about the environment and I care about. The sea level is rising. You just bought a place on the ocean in Malibu and you're giving me a lecture about rising sea levels. You just told me about carbon credits and emissions and cow emissions and methane. And you own two private jets and fly strictly private. And now you're gonna lecture me on stolen land. Land from the Squanto Indians, except for you just got done building a house on their fucking land. So here's the deal. We don't really care about this part. We care about the bullshit part where you have to pretend. You have to pretend to care. You were lecturing me on Time's up the award show before, now you're lecturing me on Ukraine and now you're gonna lecture me on ice. And you don't know shit about any of it. And by the way, when you're talking about taking to the streets and standing up to ice and getting in people and pushing back, how come you're not in any of those things? So it's the hypocrisy part. It's the part where you have to fucking talk about everything. You have to do everything for money and simultaneously pretend like you don't care about money while simultaneously having a watch that's worth more than most people's houses while flying private. Yeah, okay, that's a weird. That's gonna Be tough.

E (95:43)

Tough, Yep.

A (95:44)

It's gonna be tough to go to climate summits in private jets. But you're gonna do it.

E (95:51)

And they have no problem doing it. That's the thing they absolutely. They talk about. You're right, it's all the hypocrisy. But on the backside of it, it's like there's no answers to it. They don't ever have to go, you know what? I really screwed up on this one. They just go and live their lives and everybody else just calls them goddamn hypocrites, but they just keep doing it over and over and over again.

A (96:09)

I'm telling you, that clip where Nancy Pelosi, I think during COVID During COVID was on Colbert's show. I think it was Colbert show. And she was explaining how much she loves ice cream. And her chocolate ice cream was not like Haagen Dazs. This is made from the tears of orphans and the lactations of women that only had sex one time, whose children were taken away. Like she. But when she was doing this interview, she's standing in front of two four foot wide sub zeros. Stainless steel.

E (96:45)

Yeah.

A (96:45)

Each unit's like $31,000. She had like $63,000 worth of refrigerator. She's standing in front of everyone else, is locked down on Covid, living paycheck to paycheck, and now there's no paycheck. And she's given us a discussion. She's explaining to us about how much she loves. She loves rare chocolate ice cream, which is awesome. But listen, I don't mind the part where she makes money and has sub zeros and eats chocolate ice cream. Spare me the lectures of what about the children? The reason I got this job was to help the children. Help them get sub zeros or Godiva chocolate. All right? This is her kitchen. Okay? Last I checked, she doesn't have kids living in the house with her because her kids are in their 70s. So she's, she's. Oh, James Gordon. Okay? She's standing in front of two sub zeros in her kitchen. They're both four foot wide. They're both 48 inch sub zero stainless. First off, I don't know who needs two. Even if you have seven kids, you don't need two. But I don't know how many sub zeros you grew up with, Rudy. Less than two, less than two. Less than two. More than one.

E (98:06)

More than one, less than two, less.

A (98:07)

Than two, for sure. All right, here she is with her giant sub zero and her custom kitchen.

C (98:14)

Speaker pelosi what have you found? What are you going to share with us from your home?

F (98:17)

Chocolate.

A (98:19)

Really?

F (98:20)

Chocolate, Chocolate candy.

A (98:23)

Oh, wow. Everyone's out of work and everyone's day drinking.

E (98:27)

Yeah.

A (98:27)

This is contemplating suicide.

F (98:29)

You can get through the mail.

A (98:31)

Yeah.

C (98:31)

Okay.

A (98:32)

Yeah. If you're rich. If you have $86 chocolate bar I.

C (98:37)

Never knew I needed. Oh my.

A (98:41)

Well, that's just the one.

F (98:43)

Our family go for some other flavors but chocolate. And then we have some other chocolate here.

E (98:49)

Oh, yeah.

C (98:49)

See, I've always felt a connection with you.

E (98:52)

Earlier in the day, an assistant was pulling the dead bod.

C (98:55)

Since you've been isolating in your house, how much of your. Of your regular diet do you think isolating is?

A (99:01)

Isolating with chocolate and sub zeros?

F (99:03)

Well, as much as possible it is. I enjoy it. I like it better than anything else. And I don't know why, but it seems to agree with me. I have a lot of energy and we just got to restock the ice cream, right?

A (99:20)

Hold on, pause it.

C (99:22)

She got.

A (99:23)

She can't say I went to the market. She goes, we just. We got it restocked. Yeah, yeah. By the way, she was gaming the stock market more than anything else, but she got her sub zeros restocked. And that was always funny when people were like, what's wrong with lockdown? Well, when you live in 7,300 square feet with two sub zeros and a hundred inch TV, nothing.

E (99:44)

Nothing.

A (99:45)

When you're in a shitty apartment in Koreatown, then it becomes an issue. Yep. I'm sorry, here she goes.

F (99:51)

And we just got restocked the ice cream. Right. For Easter Sunday. Because we were, shall we say, enjoying. I don't know what I would have done if ice cream were not invented. I just wonder.

A (100:04)

I agree.

C (100:04)

I don't know who I am without it.

A (100:06)

All right. By the way, has anyone said I miss James Corden? Has anyone ever said that? I've never said that. Has anyone ever said I miss James Corden?

E (100:15)

CBS definitely hasn't.

A (100:17)

What am I gonna do from. From 11:30 to 1:00 clock on weekdays? Like, that dude is just gone. And I for one, am happy.

C (100:25)

Yeah.

E (100:26)

Back to England. And nobody has seen hide nor hair of him since.

A (100:29)

And I don't even dislike him. I just don't miss him.

E (100:31)

No, you're right. Yeah. The only thing that lives on in perpetuity is the car karaoke, whatever they call that.

A (100:37)

Carpool karaoke, which Daniel Kelson of the Man Show. That was his idea 25 years ago.

E (100:45)

No kidding.

A (100:45)

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

E (100:47)

What were you guys gonna do with, like, Warrant and Cheap Trick? And then it just never panned out, or.

A (100:53)

I don't remember. He just kept saying, there's gotta be car karaoke. You got a stereo in your car, you're in your car. Why not car karaoke? And he just kept saying it, but that was. It was funny. I pitched Comedians in Cars getting coffee like, 25 years ago, too. I was like. Like, I was like, sitting on that stage is so static, and there's so much found humor. Like, when you drive, you pass by, you see everything. All this material is coming at you. And it wasn't getting coffee. It was just comedians in cars. We get in the car and we drive and we talk while we're driving, and we make jokes. And that was always my thing. Cause it never felt. It felt static to just sit on a soundstage on rented furniture, you know, going, well, tell me about your next project. Much better. Seeing a hobo throwing up or whatever. Seeing a billboard or whatever it is. So that was something I thought about a while ago. But, you know, that's how the business works.

E (102:01)

Sure, I pitched comedians getting DUIs, but Netflix was not biting on it at all.

A (102:06)

All right, one more quickie.

E (102:08)

One more. All right. You're gonna love this. Los Angeles Mayor Karen has launched a search to find the next city's poet laureate. She has some very specific caveats for the role, which comes with a $10,000 stipend. The winning wordsmith will serve as a cultural ambassador and must host inclusive poetry events and focus on reaching neighborhoods that have historically had limited access to expressive writing. And they must, quote, amplify the voices of diverse communities.

A (102:36)

Oh, they always have to amplify the diverse communities. It's also. It's such a interesting thing in that. What rhymes with Ghana and arson? Gotta think I'll figure that out.

E (102:51)

Roses are red, violets are blue. My city's on fire now. Fuck you.

A (102:55)

Yeah, it's an interesting thing because it's like, I'm very interested in building houses, but I'm not really as interested in, like, flowers and decorations. But I like the building part. But I know many other people and women who like the decoration part. They're not into the building part. But when we get people who aren't interested. I say this all the time. Karen Bass, her take on being mayor is the poet laureate part. My take on it is the reservoir fill in part. But their interests lie in other places. And it's like, I like car racing, and they had a race, they had a Street race downtown a million years ago. It wasn't F1. I think it may have been India, I can't remember. But the point is, if I got elected, I would go, hey, let's bring that downtown race back. But I like Carshit. But it makes sense. She doesn't like filled fire hydrants and reservoirs and brush clearing. She likes poetry. In Ghana, that's what you're gonna get. So there's homeless everywhere and there's fires everywhere else and it's a total fucking disaster and a shit show. But she's thinking about poetry. Cuz that's what she does.

E (104:14)

Of course.

A (104:14)

Now I'm just saying I don't think that's good for running cities. That's good for running scented candle shots. And let's not be fucking stupid. We could have got Rick Caruso, who would care about reservoirs and clearing brushes and homeless people and housing. But hold on, ladies. He would not give a fuck about poetry. And by the way, it's not his job. All right, I'll give you a theory on this later. Off the air, I got more thoughts. Texas, coming up. 27th, 28th, two shows over there each night at Hyenas in Dallas. Rudy's gonna be there, so the Comedy shall ensue. AdamCroll.com is where you go. Where do you got dates?

E (104:56)

Toilets. See, Thursday night this week, the 19th, February 19th. And Sunday, February 22nd, House of Comedy, Mall of America. Can't wait. Back in Minnesota. And then you can catch me at Rudy Povich Comedy. Thanks for all the follows this week too. Got over 10k so God, your listeners are the best.

A (105:12)

Check out Rob Riggle's book Grit, Spit and Never Quit. Until next time, Sam. For Rob and Rudy saying mahalo.

B (105:20)

Leave us a voicemail at 8, at 8-634-1744 and make sure you check out Adam carolla live@adamcola.com.

D (105:34)

At Pluto tv. We're celebrating Black History Month with our free curated collection of black entertainment. No ifs, ands or buts about Catch Award winning films like Dreamgirls, Monster's Ball and Selma.

A (105:46)

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D (105:49)

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A (106:18)

We must make a massive demonstration.

D (106:20)

Iconic hits like School Days and Set It Off. Plus full seasons of shows like Tyler Perry's Sisters and Power. I got you. It's star studded, brilliant black entertainment. And it's all free. It's getting good this month and always on Udo TV Stream.

A (106:35)

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C (106:47)

I'm just excited.

A (106:48)

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