Allison Rosen (2:09)

We just heard nine hay's.

Adam Carolla (2:10)

Yeah, you did what I do when I throw out the first pitch. I bounce the first one, then the next one goes into the upper deck and then the third somewhere in the vicinity.

Brian Bishop (2:19)

I feel like the third one the catcher had to jump for just there.

Adam Carolla (2:23)

Oh, please. I mean, yes, you're right. That was on you. Mark has himself a new TV show. It is Fridays. Go ahead and clap it up on ifc. Thank you. It's called Marin. And of course, the podcast, the what the fuck? The WTF Podcast, which is basically the coolest podcast, I think, on the Ultranet as we speak.

Mark Marin (2:48)

I don't very nice you to say.

Adam Carolla (2:51)

Well, no, I mean, I mean it. I think. I think as a fellow podcaster, the Marc Maron podcast is regarded as the cool guys podcast. I. I would be. No.

Mark Marin (3:01)

Am I a cool guy? I'm just an idiot talking in his garage.

Adam Carolla (3:04)

That's what makes you cool. You see how cool that was? If he went, of course I'm the coolest dude in the universe, then you're no longer the cool guy. But if you go, I'm just an idiot talking to my garage now, you remain. You keep your cool guy status.

Mark Marin (3:17)

It's a very short walk to work for me. Yeah, just go right out back and into the garage.

Adam Carolla (3:22)

I've literally made the walk from the kitchen out the back door and into. Into the garage. And, you know, I like to think of you as maybe the Levi's of podcasting, and I'm the tough skins.

Mark Marin (3:37)

Are you sure you're not the wrangler?

Adam Carolla (3:39)

I could be the wrangler. Yeah, that's right. Right.

Mark Marin (3:42)

Maybe you leave.

Adam Carolla (3:43)

I could be the Lee's. Yeah, I could be the wrangler. Boot cut. Wrangler. Where's your relaxed fit Levi?

Mark Marin (3:50)

Why does it got to be relaxed fit? I'm not a fat fuck.

Adam Carolla (3:52)

No, I'm just saying you're so. Yeah. You're so prodigious downstairs that you need a little room. Oh, yeah, you heard about that, all right. Oh, I've heard. Yeah. So the TV show, I was. I was watching it and enjoying it last night and not. That wasn't on last night. It was sent to me and I was watching when I put my coat in, and I realized that that shot at your house, I mean, if that's not your house, it looks exactly like your. The front doesn't look like your house, but the garage looks like your garage. The driveway, the way it's laid out is exactly like your.

Mark Marin (4:26)

Well, what happened was they wanted to shoot at my house, but my house is a little small. My girlfriend wouldn't tolerate it. So I had to really choose TV career or girlfriend. And I decided to keep her. And what they did was they found.

Allison Rosen (4:39)

Did you deliberate, though, or was it a quick decision?

Mark Marin (4:41)

What do you mean? There's no deliberate. And she's like, are you fucking kidding me? And that was the deliberation. That was the end of the talk. And then they found A house about a half mile from my house that was a little bigger and some guy had built an addition onto it. Cause it's by the college. So there's two stories that are just bedrooms built onto this little mission style house that are just, you know, that it looks awful. But what it enabled us to do is build a studio within that structure and just shoot in the house and rebuild the garage in the garage. That was a two car garage.

Adam Carolla (5:08)

Let me say this, as somebody who used to do this for a living, used to build for a living. There's a lot of little houses up around where you live. There's a. Enjoy your pizza. Mark's got himself a lovely pizza. Enjoy that. I'll fill a bus for a second.

Mark Marin (5:24)

It's cold, man, I can't.

Adam Carolla (5:24)

No, go ahead, you gotta do this. There's a, there's a lot of nice houses, little houses, cute houses. 1200, 1300 square foot places in Glendale and Burbank and all throughout the San Fernando Valley up where Mark lives and so on and so forth. And somebody said we got to figure out a way to add 2,800 square feet of stucco shitbox to the top of our house. Right. And it's, it's the equivalent of the world's worst 70s toupee.

Mark Marin (5:54)

Right.

Adam Carolla (5:54)

Like let's, we got, we got a guy, there's nothing wrong with him, you know, he's all right, he's not fat, he's fine. And all of a sudden we're going to lower down this big box of a bad. You know, first off, the stucco. The house is from 1931. So it's got a totally different like smooth trowel, metal finish, stucco. The top was done in 74. Right. So it's got this shitty sponge trowel, sandy finish, got the big bad aluminum windows and, and it just looks like the world's biggest shittiest fucking trash can was put onto the head of the drunkest person you've ever met.

Mark Marin (6:28)

Well, yeah, and they have these two, they have these little one bedroom or two bedroom houses from the 20s.

Adam Carolla (6:33)

Right.

Mark Marin (6:33)

And they'll literally build another house around it.

Adam Carolla (6:36)

Yes.

Mark Marin (6:36)

So the original house is just the foyer of the house you're walking into.

Adam Carolla (6:40)

And it's just when you stand out on the street, you just see this huge massive stucco tidal wave of aluminum windowed shit with a flat roof on top of it. And. And you know exactly what year they put the shit box on top.

Mark Marin (6:54)

Yeah. Why is that ugly house eating the small little house?

Adam Carolla (6:56)

That's right. Or Better yet, why did he out the cute house? Kept it in his belly.

Mark Marin (7:01)

Why is he raping that little house?

Adam Carolla (7:03)

Ugly, but fucking the bejesus out of the doggie door. Oh, he's got more than a doggy door. The back door of that. Yeah, that's what it looks like. It's like your house grew a shit hat made of stucco.

Brian Bishop (7:15)

You described it as. It was shit back, shit box, shit something.

Adam Carolla (7:18)

Yes.

Brian Bishop (7:19)

Do you think they knew how shitty it was when they're putting it on or did it just turn out sh. Do they have good intentions or they.

Adam Carolla (7:24)

Know it's gonna be. No, they're flippers.

Mark Marin (7:25)

They just flip the house. They don't give a shit. They know that people are idiots and will spend a lot more money for square footage. And you walk into those places, and when you're looking for a house and you've got perhaps a, you know, a significant other who's going, you know, I want to move that. You know, you walk in and you're like, I guess it'll be okay. You know, I mean, we don't have to look at that other part. And she's. That's fine. There's a lot of room, and then that's it.

Adam Carolla (7:46)

You live there? Well, yeah. What happens is two words that gets the lady. Jacuzzi and tub put together upstairs. Master suite. They're all big master suites. Just.

Mark Marin (7:57)

Second bathroom.

Adam Carolla (7:59)

Yeah, they get the second bathrooms up there. That's what I'm. Her own closet. There's all this stuff. But I will tell you as a builder and look, you ever look back at pictures of yourself and go, what the fuck was I thinking?

Allison Rosen (8:14)

Do you ever not look back at pictures of yourself and think that I.

Adam Carolla (8:18)

Thankfully didn't have a lot of awkward periods because I was too lazy to shop or put any time into my look or cultivate. There was no point when I had a ducky boy look from Pretty in Pink going or anything like that.

Allison Rosen (8:31)

Classic timelessness.

Mark Marin (8:32)

You never had a shitty haircut. Come on.

Adam Carolla (8:34)

I would get shitty haircuts, but that's just because I let my sister do it.

Mark Marin (8:37)

All right, well, that. You don't look at those pictures and.

Adam Carolla (8:39)

Go, oh, no, I look. I look like. But I wasn't cultivating a rockabilly look I couldn't pull off. I didn't look like the fourth Ramon.

Mark Marin (8:48)

You know, maybe a couple mullets. Is there a.

Adam Carolla (8:50)

No, there's no mullet. There's no parachute pants.

Allison Rosen (8:53)

Like, he did shave his head, though, once, but don't.

Adam Carolla (8:55)

But I shave My head to go as Mr. T for Halloween. But my point is this. Listen, it sounds like I wear it as a badge of honor. I got no pussy. All the guys who were dressed like Vanilla Ice were getting pussy by all the chicks whose hair was up to the fucking ceiling and who looked like one of the Valley girls. I understand.

Mark Marin (9:15)

I went on Conan o'. Brien. This is how shitty. This is the shittiest choice I ever met. There's footage of me on television sitting next to Conan o'.

Adam Carolla (9:23)

Brien. Polo tie, almost black leather pants and.

Mark Marin (9:27)

A black velvet Nehru jacket.

Adam Carolla (9:29)

Wow.

Mark Marin (9:30)

What the fuck was I thinking to go out thinking I could transcend that outfit in a non ironic way? Did I think I was Bono? What the hell was I thinking?

Adam Carolla (9:37)

But that's the whole. But see, you had to go out on tv. I had to go to a construction site with a bunch of illegals and a construction site.

Mark Marin (9:46)

Yeah, so that means a whole different thing.

Adam Carolla (9:48)

You're sending a message that does not need to be sent with that crowd.

Allison Rosen (9:52)

Mark, what year was that?

Mark Marin (9:53)

That last year?

Adam Carolla (9:56)

Well, it's about nine months ago actually. 92. 92? Yeah. See, you were being filmed in 92. I wasn't being filmed in 92. I would have put together a shitty ensemble if I was being filmed.

Mark Marin (10:08)

Well now you can just go on wearing construction clothes, you grow a beard, everything through. Fucking cutting edge now, right?

Adam Carolla (10:13)

Hey, here comes the Bronnie guy.

Brian Bishop (10:14)

Are there any trends you. You're sad you missed out on? Like you didn't get to wear the parachute pants when you were, you know, because you weren't famous at that point.

Adam Carolla (10:21)

You talking to me? Listen, I want you to know that I realized pretty early and often, you know, once you live through disco and then you get to the 80s and everyone looks back and goes, what the fuck were we thinking about? Except for the guy you're talking to who's wearing a pirate shirt and he has eyeliner on one eye. You go, wait a minute. I think we may be heading for trouble for some Rocky Shoals here, you matey. You know what I mean? Like, so I realized that anything that was a trend, new wave, romantic, you know, disco, right, grunge, whatever it was, it was a trend. And trends were. Society was rarely kind to trends.

Mark Marin (11:03)

You knew that as like a 17 year old, you're like, I'm not buying into this shit. I'm just going to wear my Wranglers.

Adam Carolla (11:08)

Really? I. Okay, here's, here's, here's as far, here's as far as. As I went with It. You had to add two things. Two things. First off, I only listened to Graham Parker and John Hyatt. I did not fall prey to the Flock of Seagulls and the Men Without Hats and all that bullshit. I only listened to John Hyatt and Graham Parker. So I. Musically, I didn't fall into the.

Mark Marin (11:29)

No, no Bowie. No Bowie.

Adam Carolla (11:31)

Hunky dory Bowie.

Mark Marin (11:33)

All right, so there you go.

Adam Carolla (11:34)

But that, during. That was like.

Mark Marin (11:35)

You didn't wear a dress and grow your hair out.

Adam Carolla (11:37)

No, my hair was short.

Mark Marin (11:38)

Okay?

Adam Carolla (11:39)

So I didn't fall prey to that. I did get a pair of creepers on Melrose. Creepers. Creepers are the sort of. There I. I did. I got a little into that kind of punky thing. A little. I had creep. They were all black. They were nondescript. There wasn't much going on. Big rubber sole. They're like Herman Muntz. If Herman Munster had wore low tops, that's what creepers would have been like, a big wedge. Other than that, I didn't get into it. But if you look at my book, you can look through all the pictures in the book. There's no pictures of me going through any phases. But I didn't have enough money to go through a phase. You know what I mean? I couldn't go on a shopping spree. Yeah, you're always grunge. And plus, one time I bought black cowboy boots. One time I had those. I bought black cowboy boots. I put them on. I tried to leave my house. My buddy Ray saw me. He's like, what the fuck are you up to, asshole? And I said, I worked with a guy installing closets who had cowboy boots. I said, kelly has cowboy boots. He goes, that's Kelly. That's not you, asshole. Get the fuck back in the house.

Allison Rosen (12:44)

We're not going store buying them where you like. Oh, here I go.

Adam Carolla (12:48)

I was like, I work with a guy named Kelly installing closets who wears cowboy boots. And he seems to like them. I think I could. I could pull these things off. I know Ray's not going to like them. And then Ray over, you know, probably punched me and said, we're not going out with your gay cowboy boots on. And that was the end of my cowboy boots and cowboy boots.

Mark Marin (13:08)

I just realized I. Again, I. On Conan. I went on stage on Conan o' Brien once in a while. Shirt and pair of pants that some guy I didn't know made for me.

Adam Carolla (13:17)

Wow.

Mark Marin (13:18)

I met some dude. He said he was like, you know, a designer and that he lived around the Corner from me. He made clothing and he was going to make me a special outfit for Conan o'. Brien.

Adam Carolla (13:28)

Right.

Mark Marin (13:28)

And these pants, like I just don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Like the shirt was okay, but it was made out of something that seemed like curtain material.

Adam Carolla (13:35)

Right.

Mark Marin (13:35)

And then I wore these black pants that had zipper pockets. And I went on there and proudly wore this fucking costume. And I'm not even sure that guy was a clothing designer.

Adam Carolla (13:44)

See, you had way too much, too much success too early, Mark. That was your problem.

Mark Marin (13:50)

It wasn't success. I was just sort of like, I need to find something.

Adam Carolla (13:53)

You were on Conan film. There's footage of you in bad attire.

Mark Marin (13:58)

Leave some drunk neighbor that he knew how to make pants. I mean, what does that say about me? I'm an idiot?

Adam Carolla (14:02)

Well, I think, you know, there's no way to vet the designer. Like when somebody says their designer, you don't ask to see id and then later pump comes out of their, their satchel. You know, it's like you just gotta go with it.

Mark Marin (14:15)

I should have put the pants on with zipper pocket said I'm not wearing these.

Adam Carolla (14:19)

Shut up.

Mark Marin (14:19)

This guy knows what he's doing. I'll just wear them on television.

Adam Carolla (14:22)

I know, but I, I, I don't think I could commit to taking, to telling someone I wouldn't wear their once they made the for me. Right.

Allison Rosen (14:29)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (14:32)

So Mark, where the hell were we? Oh yeah, the cowboy boots and how you. Cowboy boots and creepers. That's as far, that's as far as I got. And so when it comes, there is basically, you can't do things in the 70s to houses in the 20s because you can't take your 70s hairstyle and put it on top of your 20s house. That's the problem.

Allison Rosen (14:55)

It's like a May December romance, but in a house.

Adam Carolla (14:57)

Yeah. When you walk into that beautiful twenties bungalow and you see the bad burnt orange counters with the avocado appliances, you know it was done in 74. That's the problem. And that's what you have to understand. But what you need to be conscious of people is that we're constantly in it. But when you're in it, you don't know it. So you're in it now, you just don't know it. So when you make your decision, make it wisely because you can't feel when you're in it, you, those hair.

Allison Rosen (15:25)

How do you make it wisely then if you're in it?

Adam Carolla (15:27)

I'll tell you what you do. If you are for Instance, remodeling your kitchen. And you have a house that was built in 1941. It gets a 1941 kitchen. Right. See what I'm saying? Including black made that you don't pay. I'm sorry, you go all the way. You go all the way.

Brian Bishop (15:47)

That might be the. Pretty sure that's illegal.

Adam Carolla (15:49)

Nah, not 1941.

Allison Rosen (15:51)

And again, look, it might be grandfathered into the house.

Adam Carolla (15:54)

Yeah, look up the code. Look up the code. All right, the book, by the way, Attempting Normal is Mark's new book. So it's got the books, got the podcast, got the TV show. How did. I want to ask you about this? The most painful process I could ever imagine would be getting a set ready for a TV show. Like, not your new TV show, but like when you're going go on Conan.

Mark Marin (16:19)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (16:19)

And you're gonna do a stand up. Yeah. And they tell you, mark, we want you to do like a four minute set on Conan. We're gonna come out and see it, catch tonight and watch what you're doing and then mold your act accordingly. Back in the day, four and a.

Mark Marin (16:31)

Half minutes is tough because then I.

Adam Carolla (16:33)

Got to pull it out of like.

Mark Marin (16:34)

A 10 minute piece and then it's all out of whack and you got to do it a couple times to make it even make sense. But four and a half minutes is a pain in the ass. And they don't come see it now, they'll actually have you write out your entire set, send it to them, and then they'll say, well, you can't say jerk off. You can't say fuck, and you shouldn't say that about your father. So, but, but like the other night I did panel. So if you sit next to him, if you sit next to Conan, then you get on the phone with the guy during the day. Used to be a guy named Frank Smiley. He was the guy I worked with for years.

Adam Carolla (17:02)

Now this is my favorite bit. I'll be Frank Smiley, you be you.

Mark Marin (17:07)

Okay.

Adam Carolla (17:07)

And I'll tell you exactly every one of these.

Mark Marin (17:09)

Did you work, Franco?

Adam Carolla (17:10)

Did you work? I've done every show and everyone.

Mark Marin (17:13)

So look, I'm going to come out and like, have them ask me about the cats. I'm going to do a thing about the cats. Where. You know my 1.

Adam Carolla (17:19)

What do you got with the cats?

Mark Marin (17:20)

Yeah, that. My, my cat pees all over the house. And I'm going to. And I got this story where. Where?

Adam Carolla (17:26)

Huh? What else you got?

Mark Marin (17:28)

Yeah, that's it.

Adam Carolla (17:28)

What else? Yeah, that's it. That's it?

Mark Marin (17:30)

You'll sit there for five minutes, tell this guy something, he'll go, huh?

Adam Carolla (17:33)

Yeah.

Mark Marin (17:34)

All right. What else? And then. And then, you know how you work, you know how you make it, Then you'll tell him you'll do the whole next story. He'll go, ah, that's funny. What else you got?

Adam Carolla (17:42)

What else? What else? Now that's gold. What else?

Mark Marin (17:44)

Yeah, yeah. I do this thing about my. My married and she left me and it's very funny. And I.

Adam Carolla (17:49)

Work stuff's good. Yeah, yeah, it's funny. What else you got?

Mark Marin (17:52)

I got a thing about. I don't have anything else, man.

Adam Carolla (17:55)

That's good stuff. It's good stuff. But what else you got? Yeah, well, I was. I always like the notion of I don't keep the fucking comedy gold for the end of the conversation. Right. I start off with the good stuff that I want to use. Yeah. And it's always funny. And the worst part is when you're just talking to one of the heads from Easter island and you're saying, oh, man. Yeah, it was really funny. It was really funny. I mean, the cat was whizzing. The cat peed. We. I went to the premiere of Ted and I got a teddy bear and the cat whizzed all over. It was really funny, Stu. Yeah, really good.

Mark Marin (18:31)

The guy's not responding.

Adam Carolla (18:32)

Yeah. You're hearing nothing. And then you hear the. What else you got?

Mark Marin (18:35)

I'm doing Leno for the first time ever tomorrow. I've never.

Adam Carolla (18:37)

Oh, really?

Mark Marin (18:38)

Yeah. I've never done. I've never met.

Adam Carolla (18:43)

I saw your Great on Mar. I saw that the other. Last week.

Mark Marin (18:47)

Yeah, that was last week. That's a tricky spot because, you know, you got three guys there, you got Bill there, you're the middle guest. And then they say, feel free to, you know, chime in.

Adam Carolla (18:54)

Right.

Mark Marin (18:55)

So then you're sitting there waiting for your beat, and Lawrence o' Donnell is saying something very poignant and heavy hearted and he's bumming everybody out.

Adam Carolla (19:02)

Right, right.

Mark Marin (19:03)

And then you got to sort of like, all right, where's my funny moment? You know, how do I. Yeah. You know, Bill was pretty good, but you never know what Bill like. Did I say too much? They interrupt him. It's live and it's a little menacing, but it went pretty well.

Adam Carolla (19:14)

You know the one thing that Bill does that no one else does, which.

Mark Marin (19:17)

I always appreciate, is listen.

Adam Carolla (19:20)

Yeah. Well, he does that too. He does do the thing where everyone's, like, talking. Yes. And you'll say something funny and you'll go, hold on. Yeah, Mark said something funny. Now laugh. Laugh it. The up. That was good. You deserve to be heard.

Mark Marin (19:36)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (19:36)

Like, it was like, he'll actually stop everyone and go, that was a good one. It's a little condescending, but it's better than what else you got.

Mark Marin (19:43)

Yeah, I talked to the guy from Jay Leno today because I don't know.

Adam Carolla (19:47)

What to expect from guy over at Leno.

Mark Marin (19:49)

I don't know. I just. Some guy called me, and then Jay called me. The guy. He called me up like, I'd never met Jay in my life. He's Jay Leno, you know, and the guy, the segment producer called me. I told him what I wanted to do, and I had him laughing. I was thrilled. Like, it's been a long time since I've been on with the producer. I'm knocking shit out. He's hysterical. He's like, this is gonna go great. Jay's gonna call you in an hour.

Adam Carolla (20:08)

Wow.

Mark Marin (20:09)

What does that mean? So. So I'm just having coffee, and the phone rings. He goes, hey, mine. He says, jay Leno. And I'm like, all right, how you doing? He goes, I'm talking tomorrow. And I just. Yeah, I like the book. And, you know, everything's great. And. And then he starts talking about himself for a while, and I'm like, all right, this is interesting. So, like, you know, Jay Leno just called me to maybe, you know, share what was going on with him today.

Adam Carolla (20:29)

Yeah.

Mark Marin (20:30)

And I said, I'm looking forward to coming by. And he's like, yeah, all right. Me too. Me too.

Adam Carolla (20:33)

Yeah.

Mark Marin (20:33)

And it was just. It's a weird thing when you're standing on the street and you're like, jay Leno's on the phone right now. I got to talk to him. And it's weird, right? Well, yeah, because, like, I didn't know if he wanted me to. To tell him my bits or what, but he didn't seem to want that. He just wanted to let me know that he knew I was on his show tomorrow.

Adam Carolla (20:51)

He's, you know, listen, I've said this about Jay a million times. Say what you will about the man, he will come down before the show tomorrow. He will tell you he's read your book. He did tell me that. He will then say that to everybody. He told me he read Marin's book. And I was like, jay, did you see my movie? And he's like, no, I didn't have time for that. But Marin's book, real funny.

Mark Marin (21:17)

He actually had a Couple he knew a couple lines from.

Adam Carolla (21:19)

That's my point. Yeah, he will take a few bullet points out of your book. Look, I don't know if he's read the whole thing. You won't know either, but you'll feel like he did. It's like being with a great prostitute. Like, really? I'm your first. Really? You really just. Chemistry major who just need a couple extra bucks. It was really. It was more. It was based on just an attraction. It's not about money. This is awesome. Yeah.

Mark Marin (21:42)

I actually told him that, like, I kind of wanted. I hope I can connect with him, because.

Adam Carolla (21:47)

Weird.

Mark Marin (21:47)

Like, I just did Howard Stern for the first time in my life last week, and he's just like, you think about these guys your whole life. You think like, well, I'm going to meet Howard Stern. You want to connect with him. So you never know if you're going to have that moment. And I told Jay, I got on the phone with him today, and I'm like, look, you know, I remember when I was, you know, like, in junior high, you. You did something on television that made me want to be a comic. He's like, you know, and then.

Adam Carolla (22:12)

I don't know if people think you're lying at that point or not. No, no, no.

Mark Marin (22:16)

It was because it was such a weird little moment.

Adam Carolla (22:19)

Right.

Mark Marin (22:19)

And, like, I try. Like, I. For some reason, I want him to remember it, and there's no way he could have fucking remembered this. He was on Mike Douglas or maybe Merv Griffin back. You know, and I was after school, I was watching these shows. It was in the afternoon, and they had the big chairs in the semicircle and all the guests, and Jay was there, and he must have been in his late 20s, right. And it was just this moment where he's sitting in this big chair and there's a few other guests there, and Mike Douglas or Merv Griffin, doesn't matter who it was, says, we're going to take a break for a commercial. We'll be right back. And all of a sudden, Leno just goes, now. Now what happens? Does the chair fold into the wall like a game show? And I thought that was hilarious.

Adam Carolla (22:52)

Right?

Mark Marin (22:53)

And there's no way he's going to remember that. What are you going to say? Like, oh, yeah, that was a big moment for me. No, nothing.

Adam Carolla (22:58)

Right. I know. Do you. Do you and I have had. All right, I had a couple. So Jay's going to come into your room. Okay. At some point. Yep. He's going to say he read your Book.

Mark Marin (23:08)

Right.

Adam Carolla (23:09)

He's going to say he liked it a lot.

Mark Marin (23:11)

Right.

Adam Carolla (23:11)

And then he's going to cite a couple of different spots. Yeah. Where he liked it. Yeah. And you'll feel super satisfied.

Mark Marin (23:20)

Yeah. Oh, good. So it's like, it'll be a good experience.

Adam Carolla (23:22)

It'll. It'll be fine. And then. And then you'll go now, by the way, I. And. And I've done that with Jay. I've also been in there when he saw Tim Allen's movie and didn't much care for it. And I was sensing that from Jay to Tim Allen, which is not the dressing room I wanted to be in.

Mark Marin (23:43)

Wouldn't it be a better show if Jay said that to Allen on the Tonight Show? Hey, I saw your movie. I didn't like it that much.

Adam Carolla (23:49)

He sort of did in the dressing room. But, yeah, it would be a much better show.

Mark Marin (23:53)

Amazing show.

Adam Carolla (23:54)

Yeah. Or if in the middle of your panel, he just went, what else you got? Yeah.

Mark Marin (24:00)

Like, Conan. I did Conan. Like, I'm on this press junk, and I'm not bragging, but I did Conan yesterday. And, like, I do Conan a lot, but, like, he. He'll sometimes stop by and say hi, but yesterday I had my girlfriend in the dressing room, and Conan literally came in and just sat down.

Adam Carolla (24:14)

Right.

Mark Marin (24:15)

And there was this moment where, like, what's up? He's like, nah, I don't know. And it was like one of those weird moments where, like, are we just gonna have a conversation? So I started my. I've been buying records.

Adam Carolla (24:26)

You.

Mark Marin (24:26)

He's like, yeah, I don't buy that many records. And then he starts talking about Jack White. And then he, like. It literally was like, this weird conversation goes, okay, I'll see you out there. Like, nothing encouraging. Just sort of just stopped by because I needed a break.

Adam Carolla (24:38)

Jay and I have cars. We always. We talk. We talk cars.

Mark Marin (24:42)

He drives, like, steam run cars. He drives like crazy.

Adam Carolla (24:45)

Right.

Mark Marin (24:45)

Are you one of those guys where you have a Stanley Steamer or whatever?

Adam Carolla (24:48)

No, no. I. I'm into different cars than he's into. That's. Well, that's the craziest thing in the world. I told this story a couple days ago, but I got the call from Jay a few days ago. And it's also weird when you're doing some civilian activity and he calls. Right.

Mark Marin (25:09)

But, like, having coffee.

Adam Carolla (25:10)

But what else would you be doing at noon on a Wednesday? It's not like, hey, I'm. I'm with the president. Jay, I've got to get back to you. It's never that. It's. You're just. I was walking through a house. I was, like, looking at a house. Yeah. The phone rang. It's like, Jay Leno. But what are you supposed to be doing again?

Allison Rosen (25:27)

Like, does the name Jay Leno pop up?

Adam Carolla (25:28)

No.

Allison Rosen (25:29)

On your phone.

Adam Carolla (25:30)

It was an 818. So I just hit it, like, think of some douchebag friend of mine from the valley, want to borrow money. And it was. It was Jay. And Jay was like, hey, talk to James Franco's guy. Called me. I was like, wow, where's this thing going so far? But I like it. I like where this is going. He said he wanted a car that I don't have. I said, there's a car that you don't have, and it hasn't. It hasn't been invented yet then. Right, Jay? And he said, no, It's a Lamborghini 350 GT 1966. I don't have one of those. I know you do. Here's what a crazy savant he is. He knows I have that car, which is a car he doesn't have, so he's not particularly interested in that car.

Allison Rosen (26:11)

But is he just assuming that between the two of you, you guys have every decent.

Adam Carolla (26:15)

It's a. It's a decent equation.

Mark Marin (26:16)

What do you think, you're just gonna give it to James Franco?

Adam Carolla (26:18)

No. He says you can make some money. You know, he wants to use it for, like, a Gucci ad where they go out in the desert and blah, blah, blah. But I had that thing with Leno where, you know when you say to someone something to someone that you think is pretty moving and pretty remarkable, and they have almost no response, and you don't know if they. You. Yeah. Or they do believe you, and they just have sawdust in their veins.

Mark Marin (26:40)

Like, that was my second marriage.

Adam Carolla (26:42)

The first. The first time I did Leno, when. When I was 19, I worked up in the hills. Up. Up in the hills of Hollywood. I was working on a house, and I was doing some stucco work, and.

Mark Marin (26:58)

We'Re putting that in the 70s.

Adam Carolla (26:59)

70S stucco, sure. This is. This. Probably 1985. 86. I'm doing some stuff. We're putting in a. Putting in a air conditioning unit. Blah, blah, blah. Talking. Probably. Yeah, probably. 86. Leno is renting the house directly across the street from one of these hilly, windy. No sidewalk, no place to park. Up in the. Up in the hills. Woodrow Wilson up in Lake Holly. Not Lake Hollywood, but, like, Hollywood Hills. Okay. He had a good relationship with his neighbors. And these Neighbors, because we were doing construction on their house, would park. Jay would let them like park their car in his driveway when they were doing stuff. And I used to just work on their house. And I'd see Jay come out at like noon and he'd be wearing his bathrobe and he'd get newspaper and his slippers and stuff, and he'd go back into the house again. And then he'd come out at like 2:30, 3 o', clock, and he'd go into his garage and he'd start tinkering on his vintage motorcycle. And I was getting $9 an hour for putting stucco on the side of the house. And I was like, wow, that guy's schedule, that, that seems like a much better schedule than this. 7:00am Getting yelled at by a racist. Fucking stucco, flying and shitting into a porta potty that says Mexican space Shuttle on the side of it. We got a sense of humor. I said, this. This seems like a schedule for me. So I was like, who is this dude? And then I recognized him. It was Jay Leno. But he was only a comic at the time. You know, he wasn't hosting anything. He was just a working comic. So when I would get out and about 3:30 I'd be done, we'd knock off at 3:30 and he'd be in his garage just wrenching away. And I would walk across the street and I just happen up to him, I'd say, hey, you know, I'm working next door. I like bikes. I like the ranch. Yeah, come on, pull up a bucket. Sit down. You know, And I'd sit down there and he'd be wrenching, we'd be talking and I'd go, yeah, I know. I remember this specifically. I said, you know, I recognize you. I know you do. Stand up. And he was like, okay, get out of here now. You know, And I was like, no, I've seen you on tv. Because back then, I don't think he was getting stopped on the street.

Allison Rosen (29:06)

He was cool with the potentially crazy construction worker wandering into his garage and pulling up a bucket.

Adam Carolla (29:11)

He was. And, and, and I never immediately start talking about bikes. And he was working on the valves and we started talking about camshafts and shit. And he kind of knew I knew what I was talking about, and I was kind of helping him out a little bit and blah, blah, blah. And so we had this thing and I said, you know, I. I really love to get into stand up. What do you, you have any advice for me? Like any place to start or Anything. And he said, there's a place on Ventura Boulevard called the Deli Smoker. You could go there. And it was a place that, literally, it was a deli where they put a stage up to do stand up, but it had a huge pole in the middle of it, so you'd have to kind of do your jokes on one side of it or the other. Was sort of like working in the round, except for not. Not quite. And he told me, go to the Deli Smoker, and I'd come back. So I did it every day for, like, three months. I'd go to Jay's house and hang out while he wrenched on his bike.

Mark Marin (29:59)

And tell him you wanted to do stand up.

Adam Carolla (30:00)

Tell him when to do stand up.

Mark Marin (30:01)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (30:02)

Well, eventually, the job ended, and we moved on. And then 15 years later or 12 years later, I was doing the Tonight show, and I was like, jay, remember you lived up there on Tirico or whatever you live, you know, up there at Woodrow Wilson? He's like, yeah, I remember that house. I said, remember? Remember? I was 19. I used to come over and help you wrench on your things. Okay. Okay. There you go. And I was like, but now here I am on the Tonight show, and you're hosting the Tonight show, and you weren't. You were barely a working comedian at the time. Now you host the show, and I'm on the show. What are the chances? The guy putting the stucco up next door, and he's like, all righty. See you out there. Yeah. What? Do you not believe this?

Mark Marin (30:47)

And then he said, there's a place in Ventura you might want to go to.

Adam Carolla (30:49)

Right? Deli Smoker. And I said, what else you got? All right, should we do a little. What can't Adam complain about? I feel like. Mark, stop.

Allison Rosen (31:00)

Yes, but can I first tell you about my super awkward exchange with Lita Ford after the show yesterday? Oh, yes. Okay. So we had Lita Ford on the show yesterday, and afterwards, we were talking, and while she was on the show, we started. We were talking about the Runaways, which was, you know, the band, young women, punk rock that she was in. And she said to me, thank you so much for talking about the girls. And I was like, oh, yeah, of course. Like, I. And I got all excited. I'm like, I loved hearing about that. I would have liked to talk about it more. And she's like, because, you know, they need help. And I thought, okay, isn't that like, is there a drug problem or. That's more Dr. Drew's thing. And then she's like, I mean, who knows what that man did to them? And then I realized she was talking about the Cleveland women and I felt.

Adam Carolla (31:47)

Like, oh, oh, the runaways. Yes.

Mark Marin (31:53)

You thought you needed to send Joan Jett a check.

Adam Carolla (31:55)

I didn't know, but I thought the runaways, those were the takeaways, not the runaways.

Allison Rosen (31:59)

But when she said thank you for talking about the girls, I lit up and I was like, oh, yeah, I could have talked about them all night. I love hearing about that. She must think I'm the weirdest creepy pervert. Or like Nancy Grace who's just like getting off on awful news stories.

Adam Carolla (32:14)

Yeah, yeah, she loves it. She said Nancy Grace is the only American who sits around praying that good looking young people get abducted every night. Like, dear Lord, dear Lord, let a hot blonde 17 year old from Alabama get taken to Aruba and may her body never be found. Oh, dear God.

Brian Bishop (32:32)

There's a light that goes off in her house. Like, oh boy, it's happening again.

Adam Carolla (32:36)

Someone's been abducted. I would, wouldn't I? I would. She would probably hire a hobo to abduct a hot blonde if business ever got slow for her.

Allison Rosen (32:44)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (32:44)

All right.

Mark Marin (32:44)

That'd be a great story.

Adam Carolla (32:45)

That is Nancy Grace. Yeah, It'd be kind of, Kind of like that Morton Downey Jr. Was it morning? Yeah. When he desecrated his own forehead. Oh.

Mark Marin (32:56)

And said he was attacked.

Adam Carolla (32:57)

Yeah. Skinheads. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Allison Rosen (33:00)

It turned out the swastika was backwards because you needed a mirror.

Adam Carolla (33:03)

You got it. Yeah. You got to do better than the San Francisco airport when you're talking about getting attacked by skinheads, don't you?

Allison Rosen (33:10)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (33:10)

All right, so we do a little what can I plan? And Mark, you're a good complainer, so just jump in too, okay? Whatever topic they, they toss out, we'll complain about.

Mark Marin (33:19)

Okay.

Adam Carolla (33:19)

Stuff. The world is full of it and one man can complain about it. All this is what can Adam complain about? All right, who do we got? What do we got? Oh, back here. Oh, Paul Newman. Wow. How do you complain about Paul Newman? I mean, it's gonna be tough. You're crazy.

Mark Marin (33:47)

Salad dressing. That's what I gotta say.

Adam Carolla (33:49)

He won his last race when he was 82. He died at 83. He's married to the same woman for 50 years. Well, Mark, you can probably do 20 minutes on that.

Mark Marin (33:59)

I've never made it more than three years.

Adam Carolla (34:01)

Crazy philanthropist. Winning, winning, winning non stop winning races in automobiles. But here's where I can complain. Yeah, he was a dwarf of a midget of a man. He was a tiny little man with almost no hips and no ass and no length and no girth to him whatsoever. And when I buy his vintage race cars that I attempt to race, I cannot fit into his fucking cars. I literally have to start taking parts off it and cutting them down in his seats. It's not like the seat. Like, you know, when the angry valet, Guatemalan dwarf takes your car and puts the seat up. So you're using the sun visors ahead, rest as you try to. You're like, I gotta get a little more lube on my right side so I can make it into my car before I move the seat back. In race cars, the seat is just where the seat is. It's welded down, it's bolted down. It's not like you reach between your legs and slide it forward or backwards. It's all the way back, all the way against the bulkhead in the rear of the thing. And I have to climb. And there's no doors either. There's just a cage. So I have to take my 6 foot 2, big hipped, spindly ass elbow and asshole's body and slide into this fucking car. And then when I get into it, my knees are against my chest. And there's no worse driving position than the Paul Newman one because he's such a fucking dwarf. He was a giant of a man and an actor and a dwarf of a human being. And all his cars are up. And I love his cars. But it's like. It's like if you fell in love with Twiggy. Now, wait a minute. I'm gonna try to figure this out in a way that's not insulting. What I mean is try harder.

Allison Rosen (35:40)

Jesus Christ.

Adam Carolla (35:41)

I'm saying I'm too big for the man's cars. And they have to go through experience, extensive and expensive modifications in order for me to fit into them. But I will be racing his Trans AM car from 1988 at Laguna Seca this year. And you can watch me try to set myself on fire.

Mark Marin (36:03)

How many Paul Newman cars do you have?

Adam Carolla (36:05)

Well, I have five of his cars. Yeah.

Mark Marin (36:08)

You just bought them at auction or how does that work?

Adam Carolla (36:11)

You know, it's weird. You get, get. You get into this weird club of people that go, hey, I don't know if you heard about, but this guy over here in North Carolina is getting old and he's got a blah, blah, blah.

Mark Marin (36:21)

So there's like a death pool of people?

Adam Carolla (36:23)

Yeah, there's a death pool of. Of cars. And then also these guys get Weird. And here's the weird thing, getting back to houses. Like, I bought a house in. In Sherman Oaks once, and it was the kids of the parents who died off, and they were like, yeah, home. We're really happy to, you know. You're gonna buy the house? And I'm like, yeah, I'm probably gonna take this den here and turn it into a TV room. And they're like, oh, that's where my dad used to read to us. And I'm like, right, But I. My dad's not coming over with Moby Dick. I want to go and watch some Sports Center. Yeah, listen, we'd appreciate it. I'm always like, listen, are you selling me the fucking house or mausoleum? What is this? You're gonna wreck the museum? Is your dad Abe Lincoln? What the fuck is going on? And here's the deal, loser. Fucking. Fucking. No count, kids. You want to knock 50 grand off the price of this house, we can talk about leaving the den as is. I'll put a fucking velvet rope in front of it.

Mark Marin (37:23)

You knock 100 off, your dad can move back.

Adam Carolla (37:25)

Yeah, I'll put his fucking urn on the mantelpiece. We'll put a velvet rope here. I have a huge black guy in a turtleneck sweater. Just stand there the whole time. All right, but if we're. If I'm paying full fare on this house, then I'll do what the I want. I'll shoot gay porn in this thing on a right where your dad used to. On a drop cloth with your dad's likeness embroidered into it, all right? So that every bit of extra jizz lands on your dad's forehead.

Mark Marin (37:55)

So I guess he didn't get that house.

Adam Carolla (37:57)

No, no, not that house. Not house. And I probably went too far with the whole embroidered likeness thing, but a lot of people do that with. We want to make sure these cars go to the right, you know, they want. They want to know you're going to campaign this car, you're going to drive this car and all that kind of. So you can get a car because they will want you to have it, because they know you will take the car. I'm sorry, Brian. Did I cut you off? Do you have something? Only.

Brian Bishop (38:22)

I was only going to say I've heard this game played many, many times. Complain what you can't complain about. That was a very deft turn there on Paul. Paul Newman.

Adam Carolla (38:29)

That was well done. It was tough. It's tough to take that guy and twist it around.

Brian Bishop (38:32)

Second only the time someone asked you to play about Air. And you were like, oh, fire's friend.

Allison Rosen (38:38)

Do you know anyone who's tried to get one of these famous cars and was turned down because they were vetted and didn't pass?

Adam Carolla (38:44)

Every once in a while, there's somebody's like. And you get attached to it and blah, blah, blah. And it's. I say five Newman cars. It's three real Newman cars. And then there's a lot of. Paul Newman may have farted in this car.

Mark Marin (38:57)

Right.

Adam Carolla (38:57)

In 1977. You know, there's a lot of. He drove this, but so did five other guys. So it's a. There's a little. Little bit of that. Yes, Right here. Oh, profits from Mangria. Well, let me say this. I love. You know, sold almost 100,000 bottles of mangria, which is absolutely insane. Thank you, alcoholics. Thank you, people. The problem. Thank you. For those who try to punch cops, horses and ignore their own children. Thank you so much. I will say there's a goddamn rule and a regulation for every fucking thing on the planet. And then, as I've said, this whole thing of, like, why isn't the date on the website? And how, you know, I have a thing. I've given this speech to everyone in my vicinity 3,000 times, but it doesn't seem to work. Mark, It's. It's a car metaphor, but I think you'll appreciate it. And since we're on the Newman thing, we might as well just keep going down the car metaphor road. Sure. That was like a double triple one. All right. I say to everybody, when you're starting a business or whatever it is you're doing, it's like this. The car, the Newman 88 Trans Am car has 600 horsepower, which is good, but that's to the crank. That's to the flywheel. That's what the engine makes. 600 horsepower. Right. Are we still.

Mark Marin (40:23)

Are we talking about a business now?

Adam Carolla (40:24)

We're talking about a business. Business. But I'm moving it. I'm using a car metaphor. Got it? All right, now, the engine has 600 horsepower, but what comes out of the rear wheels, that's going to get scrubbed off. Because it's got to go through the transmission, through the differential, out the axles, and come out the rear wheels. So now what's coming out of the rear wheels? If you're doing pretty good, maybe you got 550 horsepower, 540 coming out of the rear wheels. That's going to happen. It's impossible to have 600 horsepower in the engine and 600 horsepower coming out of the rear wheels. Impossible. It gets scrubbed off through the transmission. But what you don't want is a 600 horsepower engine and 10 horsepower coming out of the rear wheels. That means you're up along the way. So when you show up for Mangria night, but Mike left the corkscrew in his other backpack, that's now, you've scrubbed off a lot of horsepower. Understood? Yeah.

Mark Marin (41:19)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (41:19)

And when no one got ice, you've scrubbed off some more horsepower. And when all the Mangria cups are gone and everyone's drinking out of ceramic mugs, you've scrubbed off more. And when I'm going to do a show at the uptown theater in Napa and I'm trying to tell the guy who's on the radio station that the show was sold out, but I'm doing a Mangria signing, but it's not on our website. You've scrubbed yet more horsepower off of this fire breathing, 600 horsepower engine. It doesn't matter how much the engine makes. What do you get into the rear wheels? And every time one of your lackeys, I mean associates.

Allison Rosen (41:59)

Are you the. You're the engine in this metaphor, I am the engine.

Adam Carolla (42:03)

Every time they up, you've just scrubbed off another 25 horsepower. So who cares if you have 600 horsepower? If you have 5 horsepower going to the rear wheels, then you're. And you're going out of business. So I tell everyone it's never going to be 600. It. Let's see how close to like 540. 550 we can get it.

Mark Marin (42:21)

So you're saying he didn't make any money?

Adam Carolla (42:23)

No, I made a ton of money. I'm very happy about it.

Allison Rosen (42:26)

I'm. I'm kind of in love with the idea that Mike August has multiple backpacks.

Adam Carolla (42:32)

Mike, the greatest thing that I. Mike is great because he's. He's part Sherpa, part pack mule, part mute slave. He should have his calling. He missed his calling. His calling would have been working on a Viking or ship back in the day and not pounding the drum either. Just. It's great because, you know, you do the gigs and then you do that move where you load up the backpack before you go back to your hotel room. Yeah, and I gotta ride because you need. You could be God damn if you're gonna go back to your shitty hotel and pay $7 for a bottle of water. Yeah. When there's five bottles of water in.

Mark Marin (43:07)

Your green room, if you're selling merch, you got to Pack that up. There's no prouder moment than you alone after a gig.

Adam Carolla (43:13)

Packed. Packing up your. Packing up the merger. Yeah, yeah, Right. So what I do is. First thing that goes into Mike's backpack is the bottle of Pinot that's on the ride. Pinot noir on the rider.

Mark Marin (43:23)

Right in the dressing room.

Adam Carolla (43:24)

Yeah, right in the dressing room. Yeah. And it goes right, right in those backpack. Then it's always like eight bottles of water because why they're free. And I want one for tomorrow in the airplane and all that in the airport and all that.

Mark Marin (43:34)

How about some towels? You take the towels.

Adam Carolla (43:36)

I don't take the towels. What I do do is I take, I do this thing where I take, Take the vegetable tray. Sure. I clean it off and I mash all the vegetables into a cup and I mash a paper towel on top of it and that goes back there too.

Mark Marin (43:48)

Are you serious?

Adam Carolla (43:49)

Yeah.

Mark Marin (43:50)

You make a vegetable mash.

Adam Carolla (43:52)

Well, eat later. I, I see. I, I have this theory.

Allison Rosen (43:56)

Pulverize them.

Adam Carolla (43:59)

No, it's. It, it's really, it's really more scurvy based than it is anything. You know what it's like on the road and they're like, you're eating, you're living off of chicken wings and Cinnabon and like that. And you're like, I got eat something green.

Mark Marin (44:11)

Yeah, yeah.

Adam Carolla (44:12)

And people bring you.

Mark Marin (44:13)

Yeah. A lot of cookies.

Adam Carolla (44:14)

We bring. Yeah. We baked you a bunch of, we bake you a bunch of brownies.

Mark Marin (44:17)

I've been in hotel rooms where it just looks like a really sad bake sale.

Adam Carolla (44:21)

Yeah, right.

Mark Marin (44:21)

Just me surrounded by pastries.

Adam Carolla (44:24)

Right, right.

Mark Marin (44:24)

And I just eat it. And then you masturbate among the cakes and that's your night.

Adam Carolla (44:28)

Someone's gotta frost it. And the point is this. Thank you. No. And then you get, you get into this prop, you get into this thing, you gotta 7am flight out of Philly. Yeah. And the guy brings you the thing where he's like, hey man, I brewed this myself. Yeah, it's really good. It's handcrafted. My brother in law, he was a veteran and anyway, God rest his soul, he's not here anymore. But this is really kind of his thing. And you were his favorite comedian and you give it to him and now you're going, well, I can't get this through the airport. And I'm not gonna get these fudge brownies on the plane either. So you're just sitting there watching, watching the evening news. And the evening news is nothing because you don't Live there.

Mark Marin (45:07)

Right.

Adam Carolla (45:07)

So you don't care if the local guy shot himself in the foot while he was running out to a barn because you're not in Poughkeepsie or wherever it is this guy is. Yeah. And then you think you got to take a hit off that beer. Right. Because the guy's dead now. Yeah. And someone burnt a lot of calories baking you a bunch of empty calories. A dead guy. Right, right, right. All right, well, I don't know what I was talking about. What was I talking about?

Allison Rosen (45:31)

Getting drunk and eating brownies at 7:00am oh, yeah.

Adam Carolla (45:33)

That was it. Let's do one more. Let's do one more. All right. I don't trust this guy. Right here. LED light bulbs. I do love LED light bulbs and light emitting diodes, you know, like they'll take you, take a 50 watt standard bulb, you can replace it like an 8 watt LED bulb.

Mark Marin (45:55)

Is this a metaphor or are we talking real life?

Adam Carolla (45:57)

You got to get it to the fucking horsepower. You got to get to the lamp. You gotta get the horsepower to the lamp. All right? Oh, yeah, I was talking about horsepower. Yeah, the. The thing, it's. First off, it's made me soft because I no longer freak out when I come into my kids room and every single light in the fucking. What? Have you seen this phenomenon? I think it's. I think it's a chick thing. Let's be honest. Light on in the closet. Closet door shut. Wife not at home. What? All right, I. I'm gonna. I'm gonna nickname my wife Kill a Watt. She hates watts. She's out to kill them. Like the closet door is closed and the light is on and you ain't in that.

Mark Marin (46:41)

Maybe. Maybe the clothing is scared.

Adam Carolla (46:43)

Yeah. They can't go to sleep. Yeah. I'm gonna go tell that cardigan a story. So until it falls asleep, I do that. So I have. Now, here's my problem. The problem is this. My house has sconces, a lot of sconces. And the sconces, the LED bulbs don't really quite look right in the sconce. They're good for the kids room, but for the entry hall in the living room, they kind of look funkified. So I have to go with the conventional shit that costs a bunch of money and burns a bunch of kilowatts and throws off a bunch of heat. And I don't like it. I love led. I do not like the compact fluorescence because they flicker all the time. And by the way, if you ever looked at yourself In a mirror in fluorescent lighting, you can see remnants of a zit that you had in high school. Like, you can be like, wow, that zit was for my junior year at North Hollywood High. Like, that could still. It's like a CSI woods light of a bad skin. Why would you put that in bathrooms? There should be a lighting. Like, you know, there's one big fat code for everything. There's a code about the temperature of the water that's in the dishwasher. There's a code about the temperature of the mayonnaise. And back in the kitchen over there, there's a handicap accessible. The handicap. How about us beautiful people? And how about how shitty we look with that horrible light, that fluorescent bulb that's above the mirror?

Brian Bishop (48:13)

Us beautiful people?

Adam Carolla (48:14)

Yes, beautiful. Don't hate us because we're beautiful. I'm saying there should be a code that makes you look good, because we've all looked in one mirror and went, holy shit, I'm a monster. And then went over to another mirror and went, oh, not so bad. Now, do you do this thing with.

Allison Rosen (48:31)

Mirrors, and this also might be a chick thing, but you look in a mirror and you think, wait a minute, I don't.

Adam Carolla (48:36)

I'm not.

Allison Rosen (48:37)

Either I'm not that fat or I'm not that thin. And then you try to assess whether the mirror is distorted in the way I do it. And now I feel like I'm just alone talking about something that no one's going to relate to. But I'm gonna go on, because I take my hand and I turn it horizontal, and then I pull it, like, from my head down, and then I go back like that, as if I'm playing peekaboo with myself. And if I see my hand get longer or wider or start looking weird, then I know I'm looking at a distorted mirror.

Adam Carolla (49:00)

I. I've realized, well, hey, I'm now at the point where I don't want to see myself naked. Are you at that point?

Mark Marin (49:07)

No. I can still enjoy that.

Adam Carolla (49:08)

You'd like me naked? Yeah.

Mark Marin (49:10)

If I see myself. No, no, not you. I don't know what.

Adam Carolla (49:13)

You narcissistic thing.

Mark Marin (49:14)

I look at myself naked.

Adam Carolla (49:16)

It's not. It's not horrible. No, I don't. I don't shriek, but I prefer to miss myself. Yeah.

Mark Marin (49:20)

What is it about you that makes you uncomfortable?

Adam Carolla (49:23)

You know, obviously, I don't look like I looked when I was teaching boxing naked. I don't look bad. I just. I'm. The thrill is gone, right? I'm over my naked Body.

Allison Rosen (49:33)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (49:33)

And I did this.

Mark Marin (49:35)

So you got. You got boobs.

Adam Carolla (49:36)

Boobs. Just say it. I got man boobs.

Mark Marin (49:38)

Okay.

Adam Carolla (49:38)

No, I got a little. The worst where's. When you stand naked and you see that weird red line underneath your boob and you're like, was that a rope burn? No, that's just me sitting. I got different. Was I abducted? No. I sat down for more than 18 minutes and I got a weird line.

Mark Marin (49:55)

Is like. What I've noticed when I look in the mirror now is like, I don't know if my head is growing or my body's shrinking. Have you had that little age? You're like, what the going on?

Adam Carolla (50:02)

I had. I had this. I had this fucking realization. I was talking. I was interviewing a guy for my car show, for car cast, and he's a stunt rider and he worked with Travis Pastrano and he worked on Nitro Circus, and his name is Andy Bell. And I did the pro celebrity Toyota race with him and everything. And he does all these crazy stunts on motorcycles and stuff. And he said, the camera, when you do these stunts in real life, it's like. Because he was explaining to me, Travis Pastrana, the X Games guy, did a backflip from one building to another building in downtown LA, 12 stories high and a big wide street apart. And I said, if he missed that jump, he dies. It's not like, oh, he cracked some ribs and he broke a wrist. He did one roof to the next roof backflip over a street in downtown LA, 120ft off the ground and stuck it. But if he missed it, he's. He's dead.

Mark Marin (51:07)

He did that on a bike.

Adam Carolla (51:08)

He did that on, like a 250 Honda or whatever that Travis is riding. Right.

Allison Rosen (51:12)

Are we supposed to admire that or think it's stupid?

Adam Carolla (51:15)

I. I both, but mostly admire. And I said, that is insane. And he said, this guy Andy said, what you didn't see on film is that the. Is that the roofs had a rake to them and they sloped down and it was even harder than it looked and even hairier than it looked. And he said, you know, the camera takes a lot of those stunts and kind of makes them look not so hard. And in real life, when you're there, it's a lot hairier. And I said, what the fuck is going on with this camera? It takes the death defying stunt and makes everyone at home going, I think I could pull that off. And then it makes your face look fat. Is this our friend, this camera that makes everyone look fat and Makes these stunts look easy.

Allison Rosen (51:56)

No.

Adam Carolla (51:57)

The fuck kind of joke camera is this? We need new cameras that make stunts look difficult and faces look thin. Thank you. That was. What can't Adam complain about? All right, should we do a little news? Yes, Mark, you jump in and crack wise. I'll try Leno tomorrow.

Mark Marin (52:23)

Leno tomorrow? The book is on sale now. Yeah, you know, we'll see what happens with Leno. I just. You know, I hope he listens to me.

Adam Carolla (52:29)

No, no, he won't. But. But he. He will. He will feed you whatever it is you regurgitated to the. He could.

Mark Marin (52:38)

So it's gonna be an organic conversation. You know, bounce the.

Adam Carolla (52:42)

Off.

Mark Marin (52:42)

I bounce off his segment producer off of him.

Adam Carolla (52:45)

Yes.

Allison Rosen (52:45)

After they make you go through all the things and they say, what else you got? Do they just choose one of them or do you sometimes have to come up with.

Mark Marin (52:53)

You talk to them for a half an hour? They go, all right, I think we got enough.

Adam Carolla (52:56)

Yeah.

Allison Rosen (52:56)

Oh, you don't know what he's gonna bring up?

Mark Marin (52:58)

No, I'll find out tomorrow. You know who doesn't do that? Like Jimmy Fallon. Like, some guys are just winging it now, and that's a lot. It's a lot more fun to do that.

Adam Carolla (53:05)

But it's a lot more fun until the fifth Kardashian comes in there and starts talking about her period, and then it goes south, and I'm talking about the sun. So what I'm saying is this. No, you. You don't. This whole. Yeah, you have to understand. All right, hold on. I'm pissed. Let me explain something.

Brian Bishop (53:25)

Oh, now you're pissed.

Adam Carolla (53:27)

Now I'm pissed. Yeah. We have fashioned a society around the lowest common denominator. You go to Dodger Stadium, you order a Coors Light. It comes in a big plastic bottle. It's like. It's like. It's like. Like for special needs alcoholics, you know? Like, it's not a glass bottle. I like consuming my beer in a glass bottle, but I can't have a glass bottle because some asshole threw one onto the field and it hit an umpire in the back of the head, and he did. 28 stitches. And that was 14 years ago. And now we all drink our beer out of a Styrofoam cup or plastic bottle. Now, if you go to a stadium, you go to a football stadium, there may be 85,000 people in that college stadium, maybe 100,000. But guess how many of them get a glass bottle? Zero. What percentage of them would chuck that glass bottle out on field less than 1%. But we're all fucked because of that. Yeah. Now actors are boring. They're pompous, they're egotistical and they're dumb and they're not good at conversation. So they must pre screen the fuck out of them otherwise there's going to be two people staring at each other for seven minute segments. It. They don't need to do all this for the Mark Marin's and the Adam Corollas of the world. Yet we get our frosty cold mug and bottle ripped from our hands and we have to go through the same screening that all the super boring actors go through because we're as well.

Mark Marin (54:56)

That's right. How do we make this guy interesting screening.

Adam Carolla (54:58)

Right. Lowest common denominator. Because before you had some, you know, one of the, the one of the good looking guys from Vin Diesel was the lead guest and you had to pre screen the out of that.

Mark Marin (55:15)

He just shit the bed, couldn't talk.

Adam Carolla (55:16)

That's right. Yeah, that's right.

Allison Rosen (55:18)

Do you make a distinction between TV and movie actors in terms of the not being able. What'd you say? Boring. Stuck up.

Adam Carolla (55:26)

Usually the better looking, the worse the, the stories. And you know, with some exception, but usually. And now there's no real distinction between TV actor and movie act because everyone's just flip flopping back and forth. But because they're super boring actors, everyone. It's basically the airport. You're not a terrorist. You're not a terrorist. You're probably not a terrorist.

Mark Marin (55:51)

They should probably just interview the.

Adam Carolla (55:52)

But we all go through the screening. Right? Right. That's lowest comedy nominated.

Mark Marin (55:56)

They should probably just interview the characters that the actors play.

Adam Carolla (55:58)

I had. Right.

Mark Marin (55:59)

I, I had, I had Bryan Cranston in my garage and I was doing an interview, interview with him and I swear to God, for the first 20 minutes I just wanted to ask him how to make speed. Like I like, I really wanted to interview Mr. White and I just wouldn't let it go.

Adam Carolla (56:11)

Right.

Mark Marin (56:12)

You know, until he just started telling stories about Bryan Cranston and they were good but like it would have been, it would better. Yeah. If you would just tell me about the trailer and like, you know, Jesse and that.

Adam Carolla (56:21)

Yeah, it's always Sad Whenever Seth MacFarlane and you, you got to get to that point where you go do the Stewie voice.

Allison Rosen (56:30)

They go, well we had Elliot Gould and it would have been better if he'd been one of his characters.

Adam Carolla (56:35)

True. Yeah. And it's funny when they go like I'm kind of uncomfortable with that. We'll say that like. Like what if Stewie was uncomfortable with that?

Mark Marin (56:42)

Talk about your cancer. Like Stewie.

Adam Carolla (56:44)

Yeah, Like Stewie. Yeah. Yeah. All right, news. Let's do it. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Bam. Allison Boom. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip. It's Allison Boom. Boom. Let me give some love to one of our fine, fine sponsors. Sherry's Berries spoil your mom. Is your mom around?

Mark Marin (57:13)

Yes, she is. And I'm doing the same promotion on my show, so I'll do it.

Adam Carolla (57:17)

I suggest you spoil her. You lavish her in flowers and berries. Oh, a trailer. You know what would happen. Yeah, you can't get your mom Sherry's Berries because she knows they're a sponsor. I can't get my mom Sherry's Berries because she's. She knows their sponsor. If I got them from you and you got them from me, then it would work. That's the way women are wired.

Mark Marin (57:40)

You want me to send your mother berries from Mark?

Adam Carolla (57:42)

No. No. All right. Because I will get berries from you, you get berries from me. Okay. Mama's gonna be happy. They got a one day only offer. A bouquet of assorted roses, freshly dipped strawberries, and it's delivered from Sherry's Berries the next day. The hell is going on? That is fast. Only 39.99. But you have to order today, May 9, and use the promo code ACE. So go to B-E-R-R-I-S.com, click on the microphone in the top right hand corner, and enter Ace. That's Sherry's Berries. Tell them Ace sent you. All right.

Mark Marin (58:18)

And if you feel Ace has enough money, enter wtf, and I'll take that commission right out of Ace's hands.

Allison Rosen (58:28)

Or if you feel like they both have enough money, enter Best Friend, because I have it on my podcast, too.

Adam Carolla (58:36)

How long have you been doing your podcast? How many years now?

Mark Marin (58:38)

Three and a half.

Adam Carolla (58:39)

Three.

Mark Marin (58:40)

2009. September 2009. So coming up.

Adam Carolla (58:45)

All right, let's do a little news.

Allison Rosen (58:46)

Well, huge day in the cable news universe.

Adam Carolla (58:50)

Yeah.

Allison Rosen (58:51)

And people who've been watching cable news because the Jodi Arias verdict was announced.

Adam Carolla (58:55)

Goddamn. Please, can we end our long national nightmare?

Allison Rosen (58:59)

Not anytime soon.

Adam Carolla (59:01)

No.

Allison Rosen (59:01)

She was found guilty of first degree murder. And they really stretch it out because I had just gotten out of the shower, and it was that time in between being in a towel and putting junk in My hair. And if I don't catch it at the right time, I will.

Adam Carolla (59:13)

Frizz, whose junk was in your hair this time? Does Daniel know about this?

Allison Rosen (59:18)

Mr. Redken, so. And there's a Moroccan. I use his oil. Yeah. So I, But I felt like I have almost as if this is, like, something that affects all of us and that we're all in this together. I have to just sit here and watch this live. And I did. Although I really don't think I needed to. But anyway, I watched the announcement and they do draw it out.

Adam Carolla (59:43)

All right, did. So guilty or what is she.

Allison Rosen (59:45)

She was found guilty of first degree murder.

Adam Carolla (59:47)

All right, good. But can we do this? I was saying this to Dr. Drew the other day, and I've been saying it for at least 10 years. Functional MRI machines, like, how many years away are we from the entire community, the Earth's community, all the scientists, I mean, from the real countries, let's be honest, all the scientists from the real country get together and we go, we want a global standard for a functional MRI machine. We will have somebody run this machine. They will be bonded, they will be licensed, they will be insured, just like, you know, airplane pilots. They will be tested and so on and so forth. And we will have a piece of technology that is a worldwide standard. You will slide into this fucking thing. We'll say, hey, cunt, did you kill your boyfriend or not? Will either. Watch your frontal lobe.

Allison Rosen (60:38)

Excuse me, that's Ms. Cunt.

Adam Carolla (60:39)

Ms. Cunt, did you shoot the dude or not? We'll see the part light up. If we don't see it light up, she's out and on the street and we can move on. And again, it would take a few years to figure this out, but we could do it.

Allison Rosen (60:52)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (60:52)

And everyone goes, well, wait a minute. Wait a minute. What about, what about, what about what? O.J. was shooting around a couple rounds of golf at Riviera, you know, a week after his trial. Now we've thrown him back in the clink. But the point is, is we don't have a system that is not without its flaws. I, I, there's many times when people go where they shouldn't have gone and people stay when they shouldn't stay and all that stuff. How about just our functional MRI machine? In and out. And what did this cost the taxpayers?

Allison Rosen (61:24)

Oh, I mean, that, that hasn't, it's not over yet, though. That's the thing, is because then on Thursday, they start the aggravation phase of the trial, and then they, I mean, they're going to determine whether she gets.

Adam Carolla (61:36)

Hold on now. I got a plan. Where's this trial going on?

Allison Rosen (61:40)

Phoenix.

Adam Carolla (61:41)

All right, so this is costing Phoenix taxpayers millions of dollars. This is content that's provided for CNN and HLN and all those things. This is hundreds of hours of content provided. They should license these trials because basically we're paying for it. I mean, the taxpayers are paying for it. You get to have hundreds of hours of content. It's free content.

Mark Marin (62:08)

So you're saying that they get like, CNN could have an exclusive, but they do a license contract with the trial.

Adam Carolla (62:14)

Yeah, because it's not. It's not like, well, this year Fox and NBC is going to do the super bowl because the NBC guys just showed up with cameras. You got a license, it. There's a bidding war. And that way the city of Phoenix not only gets their money back for all the fucking. All the taxpayers dough that's going into this thing, but maybe they turn a profit. You know what I'm saying? And everyone's. This is a brilliant goddamn idea. And, you know, she could get out there with her golden palace.com written on her back or whatever it is, but I'm just saying we could recoup some of the millions of dollars these things cost us. And if you take a look at. At CNN and whatever other cable news outlets and whatever news outlet, they provided hundreds of hours of content, I think all the.

Allison Rosen (62:59)

All the cable news outlets broke into their programming, had it live.

Mark Marin (63:03)

Well, this. This business model would.

Adam Carolla (63:05)

And then the 150,000 hours of. Over the last eight months.

Mark Marin (63:08)

Well, you're gonna have to choose one or the other. The mri, which solves these problems, or the licensing model where you make money.

Adam Carolla (63:14)

That's a good point. Yeah. Yeah. Because you're right. It'd be over way too quick.

Mark Marin (63:18)

No one makes any money. So let's drag this out.

Adam Carolla (63:20)

Let's do the license licensing model until we perfect the mri, and then we'll just put that in there.

Allison Rosen (63:25)

So she. She could get the death penalty. That's what they will be deciding. And she said who's going to sponsor that? Yeah. Who should sponsor the death?

Mark Marin (63:35)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (63:35)

Well, I mean, obviously sneaker companies are out. Yeah. You know, I just work with a. With, you know, and I would. I would like it to be a, like, monster or porn star energy drink.

Allison Rosen (63:49)

Because I was just gonna say it'd.

Adam Carolla (63:50)

Be ironic to have an energy drink sponsoring a death.

Brian Bishop (63:53)

Sparks.

Adam Carolla (63:54)

Yeah, yeah. Sparks. Yeah.

Allison Rosen (63:56)

I was gonna go Red Bull, but yes.

Adam Carolla (63:58)

Yeah. Okay, now she gives you angel wings.

Allison Rosen (64:01)

That's right, Jodi Aria said, I believe death is the ultimate freedom. So I'd rather just have my freedom as soon as I can get it. She would rather have the death penalty than life.

Adam Carolla (64:11)

All right, well, let's kill her then. Yeah. Because that's what she wants.

Mark Marin (64:15)

She's asking for it.

Adam Carolla (64:17)

That's right.

Allison Rosen (64:17)

But instead she's being placed on suicide protocol. I feel like that is very disingenuous. This whole thing where they won't allow criminals who they're going to kill to commit suicide.

Adam Carolla (64:28)

We send a lot of mixed messages as a society. No gambling on football, but there's a lottery commercial the next minute, you know what I mean? Where the fucking ping pong balls are falling from the sky. Jesus goddamn Christ.

Allison Rosen (64:41)

Which is it, right? Which is it? Take the shoelaces away or right, let.

Adam Carolla (64:45)

Her hang herself, number one. Number two, it is kind of always feels kind of like if you're thin and you're attractive and you're white, then it's a big deal. And if you're brown and you're heavy set and you're on the wrong side of the tracks in Chicago, then no one gives a fuck.

Allison Rosen (64:59)

Like, well, yeah, I tweeted this today. Like, do you think that Casey Anthony and Jodi Arias hate getting compared to each other? Because it's like, excuse me, my murderous psychopathology stands on its own. Thank you.

Adam Carolla (65:09)

It is true that when you're good looking and you're chick, you get a little more. A little more.

Allison Rosen (65:15)

Certainly get a lot more coverage on all the news channels.

Adam Carolla (65:17)

Yeah.

Mark Marin (65:19)

There's a good reality show. Why don't we just give them that as punishment?

Adam Carolla (65:23)

A reality show, the two of them?

Mark Marin (65:25)

Yeah, of course.

Allison Rosen (65:26)

Oh, that's good.

Adam Carolla (65:28)

Put them in the same house.

Allison Rosen (65:30)

Yes. Who else should go in that house? It's like the worst surreal life ever. See Anthony Jody Ayers, O.J.

Adam Carolla (65:36)

Huh?

Mark Marin (65:36)

Throw a Kardashian in just for fun.

Adam Carolla (65:38)

Yeah. And what's his name's corpse? The guy from Different Strokes.

Mark Marin (65:46)

Coleman.

Adam Carolla (65:47)

Gary Coleman. Yeah. Put his corpse in there.

Mark Marin (65:51)

That just became a very sad reality show just to have a dead Gary Coleman on the couch while these two women killers argued about stuff.

Adam Carolla (65:58)

And it was an upbeat feel good reality show of the year. With the two murderers. Yeah. In there. Yeah, I like the corpse. All right, what else we got?

Allison Rosen (66:07)

Well, more, more news has is coming out of Cleveland about the women who were freed from the house.

Adam Carolla (66:12)

Yeah.

Allison Rosen (66:13)

And you know, earlier it was reported that earlier people thought it was the three brothers. It was Ariel Castro and his Two brothers, all three of them had been arrested as the culprit. However, today, the two brothers have been cleared.

Adam Carolla (66:26)

They did I don't clear them. I. You got to know, I mean, look, look, you got to know something's going on. When you come over to your brother's house and he does that move in front of the door, what's up? You know? And he keeps moving right to left, and you're like, there's like a banging.

Mark Marin (66:41)

And he's like, what about the quiet whimpering?

Adam Carolla (66:44)

Right, yeah. And you're like, listen, man, I just want to use the bathroom. I gotta take this. What's wrong with this shrub? I can't come down your entry hall and take a piss, brother. Oh, not with no notice. You can.

Brian Bishop (66:56)

Is that a new cat couch back there?

Adam Carolla (66:58)

What do you got back there? Yeah, the tv. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Like, why does your house smell like Massengille? Don't worry about it. Piss out in the bush. I'm just saying.

Allison Rosen (67:08)

You think he provided douche for them?

Adam Carolla (67:10)

I, well, he's. Listen, he's a kidnapper. He's not an animal.

Allison Rosen (67:15)

So he's. Ariel Castro has been charged with three counts of rape and four counts of kidnapping.

Adam Carolla (67:19)

I want his parents arrested, too. Because I, I, my whole thing is, hey, yeah, nice job with your animal.

Mark Marin (67:25)

Yeah, yeah.

Adam Carolla (67:26)

That you, that you created here.

Mark Marin (67:27)

You made this pay for it.

Adam Carolla (67:28)

That's right. That's my feeling. Yes.

Allison Rosen (67:31)

And, you know, we were talking about. Initially, the report said that the police had ignored calls from neighbors saying that they saw women naked on leashes in the backyard. They heard pounding at the windows. The police say that they scrubbed all that. That was their word. They looked through all their records. They don't see any evidence of these calls.

Adam Carolla (67:51)

Yeah, let me explain how that went. Hold on, let us check. Nope, nothing. So I don't know where you guys are getting that. You want us to look again? Hold up. Yeah. No, nothing. Still nothing. Still nothing. Still nothing. Yeah.

Allison Rosen (68:09)

Rigorous bookkeeping you've done.

Adam Carolla (68:10)

Yeah, we did some. What do you call it there? Scrubbing. Yeah, we scrubbed through our records pretty good. Real rub. A dub dub.

Allison Rosen (68:18)

She's scrubbing their records. Sounds like they racist.

Adam Carolla (68:21)

Yeah, yeah.

Mark Marin (68:22)

I just don't know how this can go on. Like, this is one of those weird things where, where neighbors. You know that whole idea that if you hear something up going on next door, it's like, well, it's a domestic situation. We don't want to get involved.

Adam Carolla (68:33)

Right?

Mark Marin (68:33)

Bullshit. Call the fucking police, you idiot.

Adam Carolla (68:36)

Oh, my God. I first Off. I threw a fucking. I threw a New Year's Eve party at. At the aforementioned Sherman Oaks house. Yeah, it was like 9:35 on a Saturday night, New Year's Eve, about 10 years ago. And the cops showed up. And when the cops show up Saturday night, New Year's Eve, by the way, if you call the cops in LA and scream, there's a guy standing above me with a flaming machete and he's gonna plunge it into my sternum. That's about 45 minutes worth of when the. When the cruiser rolls up. So.

Mark Marin (69:17)

And they'll ask you questions like, do you know the guy?

Adam Carolla (69:19)

Right, right, right. And what did you do to deserve this? Maybe put him on the phone. Maybe we can talk about it right now. The call of the old people that says, hey, these people are playing cool in the gang a little bit too loud. That takes at least an hour for them to get to your house. So that means that phone call went out at like 8, 8:30 in the evening on New Year's Eve. These people, my neighbors, decided to stay home on New Year's Eve and call the cops. And then the cops came out again at 11:30. So the fact that nobody calls the cops, everyone just turns a blind eye. Bullshit. I've had neighbors call the cops on every fucking party I've ever thrown and they've got there long before midnight.

Allison Rosen (70:02)

I think maybe it's that they only call when it's bothering them.

Adam Carolla (70:05)

Yes. All right.

Allison Rosen (70:06)

Domestic dispute, that's not their problem.

Adam Carolla (70:09)

Right. So whatever.

Mark Marin (70:10)

You kind of want to see how it turns out.

Adam Carolla (70:11)

Right?

Allison Rosen (70:12)

They have money on it.

Adam Carolla (70:13)

Right. Speaking of domestic problems, then this guy.

Allison Rosen (70:16)

Yeah. So Charles Ramsey, who's the guy who spokesman.

Adam Carolla (70:21)

He's a hero, right? Yeah.

Allison Rosen (70:23)

The neighbor who from whose house Amanda Barry called and the guy who became a viral video star hero very fast. Turns out that he has a criminal record and he has a history of domestic abuse.

Adam Carolla (70:35)

What did I tell you? What did I tell you yesterday? I said if I was interviewing him, I would immediately start turning into. What the hell were you doing around the house at noon wearing your slippers? You don't have a job. What's up?

Allison Rosen (70:47)

He hasn't been arrested since 2003, but he was convicted three times on domestic violence charges against his wife. His wife told the smoking gun, that's who revealed this, that Ramsey had apologized and the pair is on a quote okay basis. But he never paid the mandated child support and that's why he can't drive. Now he's driving privileges, husbands and stuff.

Adam Carolla (71:08)

It turns out the heroes are only heroes. Like, we used to have working class heroes, but now working class heroes at fucking work. And now these guys are heroes because they're at home.

Allison Rosen (71:18)

But see, I've heard. I did hear people saying that this guy isn't running for office. He's just someone who did. Who did a good deed. Why are we tearing him down? Like, why are we vetting him in this way?

Adam Carolla (71:30)

I do agree with that, but. But three domestic violence charges, and let's not forget, he. He stole Al Sharpton's hair as well. So it's not. That's not the only. That's not.

Mark Marin (71:41)

That shouldn't diminish the fact that he did this thing.

Adam Carolla (71:44)

No, it doesn't. It doesn't. It's just when. When he was being hailed as a hero yesterday, I said, we'll wait and open this guy's dossier and you'll see a few things fall out that you won't be. Won't be fans of.

Allison Rosen (71:57)

Yeah, right.

Adam Carolla (71:57)

But all right.

Allison Rosen (71:58)

I mean, it was a really poor part and run down part of town, so.

Adam Carolla (72:02)

Yeah, so what's a little domestic violence, right?

Allison Rosen (72:05)

She probably had it coming.

Mark Marin (72:06)

You had a reason to be angry.

Adam Carolla (72:07)

I agree with Alison Rosen. If you live in a shitty house, you have it coming. Thank you. I'm going to paraphrase.

Allison Rosen (72:15)

Thank you. You say you articulated it so much better than I could have.

Adam Carolla (72:19)

Thank you. Thank you.

Allison Rosen (72:20)

So there is a study that has come out revealing.

Adam Carolla (72:23)

I wish my dad was into just this sprinkling of domestic violence.

Allison Rosen (72:29)

He's never laid, has he. Has he ever gotten into a fight with anyone?

Adam Carolla (72:35)

Hell, yeah. First off, a mop would kick my dad's ass. Like, if it just leaned over on him, he wouldn't be able to get it off him. And eventually he'd tap out. Yeah, that's number one. My dad's the biggest on the planet, bar none. There's really easy. He's a exquisite, colossal pussy, number one. Number two, he's never raised a hand or fist or anything to anyone. But for me, it's not. I don't think it's because he's non violent. I think it's just because that would involve burning calories. Like, there'd be a move, mover. He'd be like, you know what? I'm gonna get up and take my belt off. And then he's like, ah, let me finish watching. Watching Mod. Then I'll do it. Yeah, so.

Mark Marin (73:18)

So you do what you want, kid.

Adam Carolla (73:19)

Yeah, go do what you want. I'm tired. You deserve to be hit, but I just don't feel like getting up.

Allison Rosen (73:24)

What would have happened if there had been an intruder?

Adam Carolla (73:27)

Well first off, who'd want to break into our house and steal what my mom's vast jewelry collection? It was a clamp on earring that was made of wood.

Brian Bishop (73:35)

It would have been a very disappointed intruder.

Adam Carolla (73:37)

Oh my God. That is the lowest self esteem intruder on, on the planet. No, no one, we, we lived in shack. So nobody, nobody would break in to them because there was no color TVs or jewelry or anything to steal.

Mark Marin (73:54)

No weapons? No weapons around?

Adam Carolla (73:55)

No, no, no. I mean unless you, you're talking about my dad's fist. Because he was, he was registered Nevada as no. My. If there I was convinced, and I'm still am to this day, that if an intruder ever broke into the house at night, my dad would have been the first one out the fucking window. And I don't think he would have woken anyone up. I think he would have just fucking ran down the street and said let fucking nature take its course in there. Let. I'm a big fan of Darwin. Let the strong survive.

Mark Marin (74:26)

Yeah, it's weird when you like I've had people like I had a knock on my door at a wrong time. I don't have any weapons. I got, I got a stick, that's how I got a stick. Like that's gonna one.

Adam Carolla (74:37)

Do you, do you have a cat?

Mark Marin (74:39)

Yeah, my cat. Cats are useless.

Adam Carolla (74:42)

Throwing a cat at someone is worse than throwing stars. I mean you get one move but if you throw a cat at somebody.

Mark Marin (74:48)

Get the cat off of your arm.

Adam Carolla (74:49)

Well that's true, that's true. That's right.

Mark Marin (74:52)

No, but there was like there was an intensity that happens. Like we had a knock on the door, it was late at night, I know who the it was. And all of a sudden like before I even opened the door, my voice turned into this, this what's out there?

Adam Carolla (75:01)

Who, who's out there? Right.

Mark Marin (75:03)

And it turned out to be a UPS guy, you know. But I freaked him out.

Adam Carolla (75:07)

Yeah, there is the rogue UPS guy shows up at 8:45 on Saturday. Like who is that UPS guy? You don't believe him. You don't want to. Where's your hours?

Allison Rosen (75:17)

How much must he hate the job since everyone must be suspicious of him.

Adam Carolla (75:21)

Well what's he do? Drop off every package except for years and then go I'm going to go home, take a nap, beat off and then swing by Corolla's place about nine? Yeah, right. There's a wire. You have had the UPS guy come by like nine o' clock on a Saturday night. What the fuck is this? And by the way, at night in their brown outfits. They're ninjas. They become the night. Sorry, where were we? Yes. He's a hero.

Allison Rosen (75:44)

Anyway, okay, so a study has come out saying the dining preferences of cheating spouses. So these are the restaurants that people who are having married people who are having affairs where they tend to go. Do you want to take a guess at what kind of restaurant they would go to?

Adam Carolla (76:00)

Oh, we don't eat Mexican. Is there.

Mark Marin (76:04)

There's a certain type. Yeah, well, Italian or is there. Is that the kind of thing.

Adam Carolla (76:11)

Hold on.

Mark Marin (76:11)

Let's go to a sports bar.

Adam Carolla (76:12)

It's not about. It's about. There's. We're gonna later going out tonight and then I'm watching Sports center and you're gonna watch a Jodi Arias tribe while going out. You know what I mean? I mean there's food. You don't go load up on nachos and you know, pork fried rice or whatever. Like there's certain things you don't eat if you're planning on a night of pleasure.

Allison Rosen (76:33)

Right.

Adam Carolla (76:33)

You see what I'm saying? That that's more of a sushi night. That's a lighter night, you know. So.

Mark Marin (76:39)

Well, what if you really would need to carb up for a long night?

Adam Carolla (76:42)

You want to go for a carb load for a long night of. I'm just saying like ladies, if you're gonna go out and have sex with this guy, you're just not. You don't feel like going for surf and turf. That's. That's. I'm gonna rip the guy off and go home.

Allison Rosen (76:55)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (76:56)

And, and take care of myself. You don't want to. You want to be. You know what that blow. Especially a 200 pound. The guy. The guys are cheating or 200 pounds plus.

Allison Rosen (77:04)

Because sometimes a good meal can make you change your mind. Like I thought I was gonna have sex, but I'd rather have spaghetti.

Adam Carolla (77:09)

Right.

Mark Marin (77:09)

But they also. They don't want to be seen. Right? They don't want to be seen. So it's party like, like gotta be like a, like a fast food place or something.

Adam Carolla (77:15)

I. I think it's. It could be. Could be. You got to get off the beaten path. You can't go anywhere that you and.

Mark Marin (77:21)

Your wife like a Fridays or a Bennegan. Like a shitty restaurant.

Adam Carolla (77:25)

Oh, I like that because no one would go there.

Mark Marin (77:27)

None of my friends are going to see me At.

Allison Rosen (77:29)

Okay, yes.

Adam Carolla (77:29)

I go to a claim jumper.

Allison Rosen (77:31)

Okay. So the restaurants are usually at least 20 miles from their homes. And here's the top 10, and they're chain restaurants. Fleming, Red Lobster. We've talked about Red Lobster.

Adam Carolla (77:41)

Black people go there to cheat. Whitey sticks out like a sore thumb. There's no way that chick's too young and too hot for that white dude. Yeah. You don't go there as a white guy.

Allison Rosen (77:52)

Outback, Cheesecake Factory, P F, Chang's, Houston's, Ruth, Chris Steakhouses were popular.

Mark Marin (78:03)

Perhaps Outback, State House.

Adam Carolla (78:04)

Right, right. Morton.

Brian Bishop (78:07)

You know what a lot of these places have in common? Big booths, High booths.

Adam Carolla (78:10)

You can't. Big, high booths. Yeah. Sir.

Brian Bishop (78:12)

Houston's and Ruth. Grass and all that play. High booths.

Adam Carolla (78:15)

Yeah.

Allison Rosen (78:15)

Del Frisco and Chili's.

Adam Carolla (78:17)

Right. Really chilly.

Allison Rosen (78:19)

Isn't that awful?

Adam Carolla (78:20)

Yeah, there's something awful about that.

Mark Marin (78:24)

It sounds like they just want to, you know, kind of amplify the shame of the event.

Adam Carolla (78:28)

Right? Yeah.

Mark Marin (78:29)

Like, if you're gonna. Somebody behind someone's back, let's go to Chile. So we really feel shitty about it. Entering the situation.

Adam Carolla (78:35)

My angle is like, listen, I. I definitely take you over to Crustacean, but, you know, I got a divorce coming up, and I gotta save all, you know, lawyers or leeches. So we gotta save, you know, enjoy. Enjoy the grilled cheese from the child's menu again. Don't load up too much, because I'm gonna be trying to bang it out of you in about 45 minutes when we get back to your roommate's apartment. Oh, I'm sorry. I know you pay rent, too.

Mark Marin (79:00)

It's gonna be a big night. We're gonna go to Chili's and. In my car.

Adam Carolla (79:04)

Right? It's gonna be. It's gonna be awesome. Yeah, we'll burn calories putting foil up in the windows of my Honda. It's gonna be awesome.

Allison Rosen (79:12)

Where would you go. Where would you guys go if you were.

Mark Marin (79:15)

I'm not gonna fall into that. What are you crazy? Not even gonna have that conversation. I wouldn't go out to eat.

Adam Carolla (79:21)

I would feel.

Mark Marin (79:22)

Who the would go out to eat meat? Is he home? All right, I'm coming over.

Adam Carolla (79:27)

Yeah, you can't.

Mark Marin (79:29)

That's a fictional situation.

Allison Rosen (79:32)

I suppose this is when the. The mistress wants to be romanced at an outback or something.

Adam Carolla (79:38)

I. Well, what is this about?

Mark Marin (79:40)

Is it about or is it about eating shitty food? What are we doing?

Allison Rosen (79:43)

Can't it be both?

Adam Carolla (79:44)

I. Well, first off, Mark's pretty recognizable. Like, I don't. I Don't think you could pull that off. No.

Mark Marin (79:51)

Because somebody who tweeted.

Adam Carolla (79:52)

Right.

Mark Marin (79:52)

Marin at Houston's with someone that doesn't look like his girlfriend.

Adam Carolla (79:55)

Right.

Mark Marin (79:56)

Be an Instagram shot of me like.

Adam Carolla (79:58)

This, you know, it'd be a better. It'd be better than that. It'd just be Mark's at Houston's with his girlfriend. And your girlfriend would be sitting in her pajamas.

Mark Marin (80:08)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (80:08)

Watching the Jodi Aries trial, going, wait a minute, I'm not at Houston.

Mark Marin (80:12)

I'll go on Twitter for a second.

Adam Carolla (80:14)

Yeah.

Mark Marin (80:14)

Then all of a sudden, I'm texting her going, no, you don't understand.

Adam Carolla (80:17)

It's not. What.

Mark Marin (80:17)

What you think.

Adam Carolla (80:18)

Yeah.

Mark Marin (80:19)

I'm not allowed in my house.

Adam Carolla (80:20)

There's no. There's no. I don't think there's any cheating anymore. I mean, with the. Listen, I get tweets. Well, no, if I walk through an airport, later on, I'll get home and I'll go, hey, saw Adam walking through the airport. The Burbank airport. I'm not an A list celebrity, but there's no way I could get with some chick and go to some restaurant.

Mark Marin (80:40)

Houston, there's a social networking, like, surveillance morality.

Allison Rosen (80:44)

Do you guys. Okay. Because I'll get tweets. Like, saw you at. Didn't want to interrupt you, though, but hi. And then I'll think it's like, let's say they saw me at the grocery store or something. And then I'll think, what the hell was I talking about?

Adam Carolla (80:55)

Yeah. Oh, did I pick my nose? Did I pull the underpants out of my. Yeah, like, what do they see me doing?

Allison Rosen (81:02)

Yeah. Actually, usually I think, what was I talking about? Because they could have been listening in, but I should be thinking that I pick a wedgie or my nose.

Adam Carolla (81:08)

I think they overhear a conversation.

Mark Marin (81:09)

Like, they might hear you catching. Like, Adam just go, you know.

Adam Carolla (81:12)

Yeah.

Allison Rosen (81:13)

Yeah, exactly.

Adam Carolla (81:14)

By the way, I had a lovely moment with my son moments before I came out here. He was in my courtyard shooting his old basketball. He's going to be seven in a few weeks or months or years. I'm not. I haven't nailed it down. I think it's going to be seven coming up soon. And he said, I somehow got roped into coaching or coaching with Mr. Mike, the other guy, his YMCA basketball team. And my son's out there on the balcony. I'm up on the balcony. He's down in the courtyard. I'm getting ready to leave for this place. I yell, down, sonny, I'm leaving. Love you. Goodbye. He looks up and he says, daddy, are you going to be coaching our basketball team this year? I said, yeah. He said, are you and Mr. Mike going to be doing it? I said, that's right, Sonny. I'll be. I'll be helping coach you this year. He said, said, daddy, will you please not talk the whole time and coach? I don't. I don't want to run up and down the court with you talking. I was like, jesus Christ, we're having a moment here. And then he just pulled the rug out from under me and settled my hash.

Allison Rosen (82:23)

Did he laugh or was he.

Adam Carolla (82:24)

No, he just meant like, I don't need your blah, blah, blah while I'm trying to dribble a basketball.

Mark Marin (82:29)

Well, you certainly couldn't say he was, you know, you couldn't call on him.

Adam Carolla (82:33)

No. I was like, well, all right, definitely.

Mark Marin (82:35)

He definitely knows his dad every once.

Adam Carolla (82:37)

In a while, though. And the only reason, it's. It's really like, people tell you you should have kids for a lot of reasons, but really, this is the only good reason. Every once in a while, I'll get the, you know, my Natalia. I'll go, Pepe, puppy, my daughter. Be like, stop talking, Daddy. Stop talking. I know it's a big joke. Stop talking, Daddy. And then Daddy usually has a couple glasses of wine and stands up and goes, you better hope Daddy does. He doesn't stop talking. Daddy stops talking. The Audi goes back to the dealer. The Jag goes back. We move to an apartment in Van Nuys. Your nanny, Olga, goes back to Guatemala. It all goes away. So you better hope Daddy doesn't ever stop talking. You understand?

Allison Rosen (83:18)

This will be one of those fond memories. They look back on in later life.

Adam Carolla (83:23)

Like, I like, I like.

Brian Bishop (83:24)

In your scenario, Olga cannot find other work.

Adam Carolla (83:26)

I send her back to Guatemala. Yeah. All right, last story. Let's bring it home.

Allison Rosen (83:31)

Well, speaking of food, a study has. Another study has come out saying that listing the calorie count on menus doesn't change fast food eating habits, which I find hard to believe, because when I look at a menu with all the calories, I just go, oh, there's absolutely nothing I can eat here.

Mark Marin (83:45)

But when you go to a fast food place, you've already lost, right? You're not there to count calories, you're there to shove bad shit into your face.

Adam Carolla (83:52)

Yeah.

Allison Rosen (83:53)

Yeah. I find that, though, you can. Can be that person that ends up at a fast food restaurant because that's where everyone else wanted to go.

Mark Marin (83:59)

Never happens to me.

Allison Rosen (84:00)

All right? I hang out with Better people.

Adam Carolla (84:02)

No, I have this. I. I have this thing where I, I will do this, though. Like, I'll go into a, whatever fast food place and I'll go. How do you mean? The chicken. The chicken supreme sandwich has 19 more calories than the double burger. Like, well, then that I'm gonna.

Allison Rosen (84:18)

Salad has twice as many calories as both of them.

Adam Carolla (84:21)

Yeah. I was only gonna. Gonna eat the chicken because I thought it was going to be a healthier move. So it's not that I don't buy it. It's like, I'm surprised that the. That ends in taco or chicken has more sometimes than the stuff that ends. How does that happen?

Mark Marin (84:34)

Do they inject fat into stuff?

Allison Rosen (84:36)

I mean, and then, you know, it could be the person who has like the heavy guacamole hand.

Adam Carolla (84:40)

Right? Yeah. Well, so they use a caulking gun. But yeah, yeah, yeah. No, what happens is, is you go like, somebody went, look, you should be eating chicken instead of beef. The problem is chicken tastes shitty unless you dip it in tempura sauce and double fry it and then cover the bunch of chipotle hickory goo, you know, and do all this. So by the time they're done with the locale, low, you know, low fat chicken, they dump so much breading and on it that they've actually gone past just the plain burger patty. That's. That's the part that. That gets you. Yeah, yeah.

Mark Marin (85:15)

And that's what makes America an amazing country.

Adam Carolla (85:17)

Yeah. We can get fat eating things that aren't fat by making them fat.

Allison Rosen (85:22)

Are you in favor of the calories on the menu or.

Adam Carolla (85:24)

No? I am. I'm fine with that. Like, I, you know, I don't think. I'm not one of these, like, Bloomberg, like, you can't go over 16 ounces and all that kind of stuff. But I'm all for the information part. And by the way, I mean, once they started putting people who had, like, black lung on cigarette packs, to me, they should just put fat people on soda. And he should, you know, but why not? I mean, let's just, let's just keep going. But at least let us make the decision, because I'm always confounded on how many calories. Like, if you ever do anything, like you think you're making a healthy choice with a drink.

Mark Marin (86:02)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (86:02)

And you're like, I'm gonna get the orange banana smoothie. I'm not gonna have the Coke. And then that has 180 more calories than the coke has in it.

Mark Marin (86:09)

I'm still picturing naked Fat people as labels.

Adam Carolla (86:13)

That would slow you down. Get a burger at McDonald's.

Mark Marin (86:16)

There's just this guy, like, just like got fat hanging over a wheelchair that he's in because he can't walk properly.

Adam Carolla (86:22)

Right? Yeah. No, I mean the cigarette packets have the chick. First off, we get it. Cigarettes are bad. I don't want the commercial with the chick who's smoking through her tray. Gets 6:30 in the afternoon. Like, I'm trying to eat my lasagna. And you got the chick who's like. And she's still smoking. And it, we get it. It's. I'm trying to eat here.

Allison Rosen (86:44)

Oh, which do you turn off faster, though? Those are the ones with the sad dogs and Sarah McLaughlin singing oh, the.

Adam Carolla (86:50)

Eyes of an angel or whatever. And they show the, the puppies that are being in the vivisection.

Mark Marin (86:56)

Is that like a dog with missing legs too on that?

Allison Rosen (86:58)

There always is. Yes.

Adam Carolla (87:00)

There's a guy and he's holding it above one of the those tree chippers and he's about to drop the puppy into it. And you're like, no, no. And there's a chick with a tracheotomy hole who's blowing the puppy out of the hole.

Allison Rosen (87:12)

There's a puppy smoking through a trach hole.

Adam Carolla (87:15)

It's the puppy smoking through the TRA.

Mark Marin (87:18)

For like a vaginal mesh commercial. Those are the other things I can't do.

Adam Carolla (87:21)

I, I, I. Look, look, I understand. It's a good cause from trying to eat here. Yeah, I had. We'll end tonight. Go ahead and end your.

Allison Rosen (87:32)

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Dip it.

Adam Carolla (87:36)

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Fat people and cranks. I will, I will tell you quickly the crank yanker story where I was calling a moving service and I was attempting to get my morbidly obese wife moved to the hospital so she could have her lap band procedure.

Mark Marin (87:58)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (87:58)

And we were just recording it. So what I was doing, I was calling moving companies and I was saying, look, the lap band surgery, the stomach staple, that's covered by insurance, but the transportation to the hospital is not covered. And that ambulance ride is like three, seven hundred dollars. And you guys are movers. We could do this for like 2, 250. I'll tip you out, you know, and then they're like, I was like, listen, listen, I'm just gonna take the bay window out of the living room. We can get her out that way. She won't fit through the door. I'll bubble wrap her. I don't know if you guys got a steak bed, we can flag her if she's hanging over, you know, and I'll ride back there with her. And if she gets a little out of hand, I have this little combination of Robitussin and crushed up NyQuil and pills, and I'll dart her with it, it and it'll knock her right down, you know, And. And the guy was like. The guy was laughing the whole time. And you could hear him doing the, by the way, the loud conversation with his buddy where he's going, like, your wife's £822 and you want us to move her? Okay, okay. And he kept doing this, and I was like, you understand? You know, she has a disease. She's morbidly obese. I don't have the $3,700. But if we could back that steak bed at. I got a brother in law, drives a forklift. He works. He works for Home Depot. We can rent a forklift. I think we can get her on some pallets and get her in the back of your steak bed. And the guy's like, yeah, I guess we could move her in the back of the steak bed. And at a certain point, I said to the guy, I don't appreciate your attitude. I can hear you laughing, I can hear you snickering. You understand? My wife has a disease. It's called morbid obesity, and it's fatal, all right? So I'd appreciate if you dropped the attitude and we started focusing on my wife's fatal physical condition. Do you understand me? And he said, oh, no. He got all defensive and serious and he went, no, no, no, listen, listen, listen, listen, I'm sorry. I understand. I have a. I have a three year old who breathes through a trachole. So I understand what it's like to live with someone with a condition. And I said, your daughter was a smoker. She brought that on herself. My wife is a victim. You understand? Man, I've never heard anything like it. This guy's like, I'll kill you. I'll kill you. I'll kill you. The guy just started screaming, I'm coming over there, I'm killing you. I'm coming over there, I'm killing you. And then we hung up the phone. And then because it was crank anchors, I had to call them back like 10 minutes later and go, hey, that was pretty funny, that call we made the other night. He's like, I'm gonna kill you, dude. I was like, yeah, you know, I understand. You know, sometimes humor goes a little Dark. But anyway, we need you to sign off so we can sign off. I will stab you with that pen if I find you. It was a great installment, but it's the only thing I could think that involved a fat person in a trachle. And that's why I'm the second best podcast in America. I bring it all around. Everyone, Marc Maron, everybody. Ah, one more. Pro Flowers Mother's Day. I don't know if you heard. 100 blooms for mama. 100 blooms, just 19.99. That is 50% off. You can upgrade. You can get the chocolate, you get the premium, you get the pink vase and the. Just 10 bucks more. You get the chocolates, you get the pink vase, you put the. What I do is I mix it up, I put the chocolates in the vase and then I eat the flowers just to freak my mom out.

Brian Bishop (91:30)

Don't let that secret out, man.

Adam Carolla (91:32)

Pro Flowers guaranteed to last the full week or your money back. And you only get this deal if you go to proflowers.com click on the microphone in the top right hand corner and type in ACE. That's proflowers.com type in ACE. WTF Pro Flowers best friend Live podcast. We got coming up, Irvine. And a little Mangria bottle signing. That's at the coast of Mesa Bay. Crest Liquor. That is next Thursday, 6pm and then the podcast, I'll be at 8pm and Mangria on sale. You can. Ooh, you can get it@mangria.com buy mangria.com Mark Marin, everyone. The TV show Marin Fridays, 9 o' clock central on IFC, the podcast, WTF podcast, and of course the book Attempting Normal, available on Amazon. Click through AdamCarolla.com, show a little love. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Marc Maron, Allison Rosen and Bo Brian saying mahalo.

Brian Bishop (92:45)

All right, this is Adam Kollo show 1074.

Adam Carolla (92:47)

Coming up for our next episode, we.

Brian Bishop (92:48)

Have Adam Kollo Show 1072 featuring Rosie Perez, Dave Damaschek, Allison Rosen, Brian bishop, also from 2013.

Adam Carolla (92:55)

Oh, Ryder, Adam, welcome to program. Good to see you. Dave Damaschek.

Dave Damashek (93:04)

Ace, what a pleasure. How is everybody? And how was the big event over the weekend in Malibu? I heard it was dynamite, Fabulistic.

Adam Carolla (93:10)

And Allison Rose.

Allison Rosen (93:12)

Hello. Same question, Ball Bryant.

Brian Bishop (93:15)

Requested by several people. Top drop. We do a thing where we request a top drop at the top of the shows.

Adam Carolla (93:20)

And I'm trying to be all of that.

Dave Damashek (93:22)

Look what your life's become. Congratulations.

Adam Carolla (93:25)

Everyone got drunk on Mangria And Susanna Hoffs from the Bangles was doing her thing at the beginning. Did she kind of open the show? Acoustic set with her guitars, amazing voice, really talented, sounded great. And then John Popper came up there, and I'm such a fan of that guy, because I want to hear a look Around. There's two things I'm really excited about. Excited is not quite a word, but proud of. I told him one day that this song of his, look around, was just a great song and that he should revisit it because I've seen him in concert, and it's weird. You know, you have a lot of good songs when you don't play this song as part of your 18 song list. And he said, I do like that song. And so the next day, I told the band, we're gonna start playing this. And then we started playing it ever since, and everyone loves it. And I was like, oh, good. I feel good about myself and good about you guys. So he did this. But one of the things. That's amazing. And I always say this about John Popper. His voice is so amazing, but it's like a chick who has an incredible, incredible ass and a rack that won't stop, but everyone's focused on her ass. That's not a metaphor. I'm talking about John Popper's house.

Allison Rosen (94:47)

My tits are up here.

Adam Carolla (94:48)

Yeah. Yeah. He had. He's such a virtuoso on the harmonica. No one can play the harmonica like he plays it.

Brian Bishop (94:55)

Is that the titch or the ass?

Adam Carolla (94:57)

That's the ass. And we're all black and we can't stop focusing on it. Finally. So you just. So he takes a breath, so he stops playing the harmonica to sing, and you go like, all right, well, let me get back to that harmonica thing. But, you know, he has such a unique, stylistic, interesting, like, powerful voice. And you miss it. A lot of people miss it. And if you listen to the song, you'll. You'll hear it here. I'm told I do it very well. But more important, you should know. There you go. That all the same.

Mark Marin (95:39)

You got no.

Adam Carolla (95:41)

One to blame but yourself. If you call that a waste, considering me that's been hurting you inside. And if you learn you know much more than I. All right, you can pipe it down, but don't turn it off because we'll get back to it. You can see pictures of it on our Facebook page.

Allison Rosen (96:11)

But did he play it yesterday?

Adam Carolla (96:13)

Yeah, he did. And everyone who got up there, this is a freaky moment for me because we're sitting in my backyard and everyone's up there and they're going, I really want to thank Adam for having me out here. And I'm. I'm like, what are you thinking? I come from such ass wipes and such poverty and such, you know, a group of people that are like, why should you get that? And what, you don't deserve this? And maybe Ricky Rackman says the same thing about you and all this kind of these horrible, negative people. And we're just sitting in my big Malibu backyard and everyone's thanking me, and I'm like. I'm like going, what are you thanking me for? I thank you for coming out and playing this charity event. And John is just the. John played this guitar solo, by the way, in this song. He doesn't know what to do with his talent, but he's the nicest dude in the world. And then Howie Mandel got drunk. That was interesting.

Dave Damashek (97:08)

He seems like the sort of guy who wouldn't do anything.

Adam Carolla (97:11)

That's what made it good. When I do it, it's like, all right, what do you. Wednesday, Adam sober today.

Dave Damashek (97:18)

What?

Adam Carolla (97:18)

That's right. So Fitz and the Tantrums were great too. Like, I didn't know their work very well. I just heard a few of their songs and I heard about them. I knew they're playing like, the K Rock weenie roast and stuff, but they were all super cool. All right, now we gotta crank it up here. Listen, if you want to hide and find that stay.

Allison Rosen (98:22)

I love it because it's melancholy, but it's not making me cry. It's a real fine line.

Adam Carolla (98:26)

I know. The guys is such a powerhouse. And then he goes and watch him. You go right into the. Oh, wait, now I have to listen more. I can't get enough. We did this part too. This part. It's up to you. The things you throw away and still you're gonna have to go and find it. All right, well, you get the idea.

Allison Rosen (99:08)

Did he say why they had stopped playing it? Was it just. They had so many other songs to play?

Adam Carolla (99:13)

Uh, it happens. Even the great comedians, once in a while, people go, yeah, that bit you did with the thing, you know, I love that bit. I'll go, like, huh? You just forget about stuff that people like, and maybe you've done it and then it just kind of. Things slough off. And artistically, it's a good thing that you just kind of move forward and things just kind of slough off as you go forward. But for something like that, if I'm Watching Blues Traveler in concert or just John Popper alone with his guitar player. It's absolutely amazing to see him. You know, he's got the harmonica. He's got to go right back into the harmonica after he hits the big notes, and he's never out of wind.

Brian Bishop (99:52)

Obvious question. Maybe I missed it. Did he play it yesterday?

Adam Carolla (99:55)

Yep. Okay. Didn't know if I missed that or not. He told the story, and he said he's playing it for me. And anyway, so good for you, Ace.

Dave Damashek (100:01)

That sounds like a great moment in life. I watched Hannah and Her Sisters over the weekend. A gem of a picture, of course. Mickey Sachs, AKA Woody Allen, I think. He says, right at the end, remember, he stumbles into the movie theater and the Marx Brothers. It's a great line, a great speech that he gives about, you know, that there isn't anything beyond this lifetime. He said, it's not all a drag. And so when you can take those moments and recognize them and appreciate them, it's not all a drag.

Adam Carolla (100:28)

Eh? See, I said. Lynette was like, well, what are we gonna do with the kids? And she said, the kids can stay back with Olga and we'll, you know, because we don't. It's a kind of a no kids party. A lot of booze floating around and a lot of rock stars smoking and stuff, and who wants to keep track of the kids? And I said, oh, no, they're coming. And she's like, ah, they can stay back with the. You know, we'll go take them out to. You know, take them out to dinner. And I said, no, no. I want them to see this. I want them to experience it. I want them to feel it. Like I had my daughter on my lap the entire time. We're sitting up on the sort of upper terrace while John Popper was down there doing his thing, and she was on my lap. I was like, this is good. This is nice. These people are good. They're given to a charity. This is what happens. You can do things. Not everything's a tremendous pain in the ass.

Rosie Perez (101:21)

It's just a waste of my time.

Adam Carolla (101:23)

It's not a waste of your time. It takes work. It's a hassle. You have to set up things. You have to make some phone calls. You have to get some vendors and some lunch trucks and some Porta Potties. But look at us. Look at us now. This is great. It's a memory now. It's carved in. It's etched in.

Dave Damashek (101:38)

Meantime, Sonny was off picking pockets.

Adam Carolla (101:41)

He was playing with a ball up against the house 100 yards away. And I was like, get his scrawny ass out here and enjoy this shit.

Brian Bishop (101:51)

I appreciate this.

Allison Rosen (101:52)

Did Howie Mandel use the Porta Potty?

Adam Carolla (101:54)

Oh, good point. No chance. No. He wears an adult diaper and he's catheterized. How is that better?

Allison Rosen (102:03)

It's his own.

Adam Carolla (102:04)

He was in line to use the Porta Potty.

Allison Rosen (102:06)

Wow, he really was drunk.

Adam Carolla (102:07)

Oh, my God. It was. A fan came up to him, right, and accosted him. I had a weird.

Brian Bishop (102:13)

He was in line for 45 minutes.

Adam Carolla (102:15)

I had a weird moment with Howie Mandel is on yesterday's podcast. But he was drinking the white, as I suspect, as I suspected, he likes the white stuff, the peach and the pear, because it's sweetened for the ladies. And he was drinking it, and he immediately got buzzed. And then once he got buzzed, it's like he hadn't been buzzed in 33 years. But not that he didn't drink, just that he really hadn't been buzzed in 30 something years and immediately wanted a second cup. And then he was clearly buzzed and talking about how buzzed he was. And he was talking about how it would may negatively affect all the medication and stuff he was on. And I'm doing his show today, if you're listening. I'm doing his show today and another one of his TV shows, his eight TV shows. He's the sanest man on the planet. And what I said to him is like, howie, you've been married for 30 years. You don't smoke, you don't drink, you don't have problems. You have 20 TV shows. You're the hardest working guy. You're rich. You've never run afoul of the law or gotten to a scrap with a pimp or anything like that. You're fine, you're fine. You have these phobias. Fine. Now knock it off. You know what I mean? We all have our fears, we all have our foibles. And you know what? We get over them and move forward. And you have everyone around you. He's saying, my parents were great because they would build me just a path of towels so I could walk from the bathroom back to the bed if I was.

Dave Damashek (103:48)

Oh, this goes all the way back to his early childhood.

Adam Carolla (103:50)

Oh, wow. And I said, no, they weren't great. They should have said, fucking knock it off. Ironically, Howard, they didn't say ironically, but it'd be funny if his name was Howard. From 0 to like 17. So they should. Someone should have said, hey, fucking knock it off. And he said, like, I'm drinking the Mangria and I'm feeling pretty good. And I said, there you go. That's it. Fuck the medication. Everyone is getting around. Oh, if my psychiatrist don't have a psychiatrist. Don't surround yourself with a bunch of people that are on the payroll, that are keeping you insane.

Allison Rosen (104:22)

Dr. Drew just poked his head in and threw up.

Adam Carolla (104:26)

Doctor, I've told the story a kajillion times. He had a panic attack, and what did I do? Fucking walked right into his dressing room. Go get your ass up and get it back up on stage. I'm not gonna stay here for another second. We're gang taping four shows in one day. We're on show number three, and I'm not gonna stay here another hour watching you breathe into a bath. Now, look, you can have your panic attack. Have it on stage while the cameras are rolling. I'll do the talking. You don't have to do shit, but you have to come up there and sit. Otherwise we can't continue with the show. Take two calls off and let's get going. I'll get your ass out there now. And he walked right up on stage and he sat there and we started the show and he never. That was the end of the panic attack. Now, I suspect this does not work for compound fractures, but for. Although I may try for emotional things. Yeah. Next time someone gets a car. Motorcycle accident. Come on up on your feet. Rub some dirt on that chair.

Dave Damashek (105:22)

Try that thing Mr. Miyagi does at the end of Karate Kid where he rubs his hands together.

Brian Bishop (105:26)

There's already a lot of dirt on it.

Adam Carolla (105:27)

It's infected. I think when Howie Mandel says. Or Dr. Drew says, I need a minute, or I'm not feeling it, or I don't shake hands. And you go, oh, no, no, no, I understand. I completely respect that. And you know what I'll tell you? Take as much time as you need. And here's a medication. Let me call a guy in with male pattern baldness and tweed jacket, and he can straighten you out. No, you say, if you're on a fucking island. Like, does anybody have panic attacks on islands like this? On rafts after ships go down. You know what I mean? Like, if somebody just ever goes. If someone ever. You need some guy like Arleigh Ermey to come in and go, your last fucking easy day was yesterday, kook. Now get back on the sofa and start dancing for the man. And you'll just pop up and do it. You're so ugly, you can Be a modern art masterpiece. That's what you need now.

Allison Rosen (106:12)

Yeah. I guess you just have to become your own drill sergeant. Because unless you have the money to have someone yell at you all the time.

Adam Carolla (106:19)

Yeah. And there is a break in period. I would think, like, you're gonna resist initially. And I'm not saying that there's not such a thing as this condition. But also, I know Howie Mandel's super smart and he's very functional. He functions at a really high level. And intellectually, on some level, he knows he can shake everyone's hand at that fucking party and be absolutely fine with it. So let's go. Knock it off. Let's do it. Let's pretend we're on a raft. All right. So that was a good night. And again, the bands were great, the food was great. I got my buzz on. And the only trouble spot came was when we were driving home and we're doing that move. We're behind the super slow person all the way up through the canyon. And then it comes to that two lanes, but it's that two lane thing that's just long enough for you to scream at your wife. And I do that thing where they're like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And they don't. They don't make the move. And then she was driving. Oh, yeah. I had that kind of buzz. It was that kind of buzz going. And I did the Go, go, go, go, go, go. And she did the. And then she told me, like, I have to be comfortable with this move. And I'm like, no, you don't. I'm drunk. I'm comfortable.

Allison Rosen (107:38)

You're driving.

Adam Carolla (107:39)

We got airbags. Let's do it. The greatest.

Brian Bishop (107:42)

Uncomfortable enough for the both of us.

Adam Carolla (107:44)

We had the greatest moment of this ever, which you should have learned from. We were pulling. Somebody gave me at the time, like, a Lamborghini Gallardo, super expensive V10. I think it was Gallardo. Could have been Murcielago. Anyway, it was a Lamborghini, and they just gave it to me for like two days. Just driving around for two days. And I said, yeah, all right. And I had fun because we're doing the morning show and there was no traffic. But instead of taking Cahuenga down or Highland down, I took Mulholland and took that back. Mulholland. But it's five in the morning, so no cops around. So it was this thing where Lynette said, I want to drive the Lambo. I want to drive on Mulholland. And I said, all right, let's give it a shot. And we pulled out, like, right at the bottom of Mulholland. But there was a place. There's about 150 yards or another car. And I did the I profile like the Terminator, you know, I see. First off, I see any car in beige, we got an issue. I see a bunch of fucking stuffed animals up on the back window. We got an issue. I got the who rescued who? Paw on the front. You know, it's all. You're. Basically, what I'm doing is I'm scrubbing. I'm just scrubbing miles per hour off. I see the beige. That's three miles an hour. Who rescued who? That's five miles an hour. I see it's a woman. I do a nationality thing. I do everything. And I also include the speed in which they're closing at us, which is not too fast. So. So Lynette was on. We were pulling onto Mulholland, and we had to turn left and go up Mulholland. And I said, we got a Camry here. Let's go. Turn left. And she's like, hold on. And I go, go now. And she's like, wait a second. I go now. Go. And she's like, hold on. And we let the Camry go past us and then proceed to go 21 miles an hour behind a Camry for the entire stretch of Mulholland. While I'm going to. Why didn't you listen? Hair's going to the. Why didn't you? We're in a Lamborghini going the exact same speed as an 89 Camry because you didn't squeeze the trigger. I said, go. And you went, hold on. And I went, go. And you said, don't yell at me. And now we're riding behind this Camry. So it's kind of my thing in life. Everyone says, all right, well, you're a dick. Understood. But on the other hand, I want her to have this experience of me getting home to throw up earlier, or in that case, to get to open up a Lamborghini on Mulholland. And that's. I want that experience for her and me. So when I say, go, go, go, you got to go, go, go, or at least go. So that was the only one where I was.

Dave Damashek (110:34)

And yet people don't appreciate that kind of help. And I'm not being sarcastic. I try to help with that sort of input in life, and all I get is shouted back. That's what I get in the sale. I'm sure you aren't Met with. I'm sure Lynette doesn't say. Well, thank you for the advice. Maybe I should have taken it. No, of course not. You gotta stop that. You can't yell at me when I'm trying to drive.

Adam Carolla (110:54)

Right?

Dave Damashek (110:54)

I mean, that must.

Adam Carolla (110:55)

Listen, the. Go, go, go. None of that goes over well with anybody outside of either people that were in the military or people who played a lot of football. You yell that at civilians and their. They're pissy about it. And most people have a kind of a freeze factor, which is you yell, go, go, go. And that means stop, stop, stop, or freeze. That means a good 4 Mississippi of. I need to process this. And it's not SEAL team material, if that's what you're talking about. Reagan would be dead if Lynette was on that detail for sure, but good time, good party. Lynette did a fantastic job. Everything was laid out perfectly. And just fucking why the terrorists hate us. Just bunch of people raising a bunch of money for the children's hospital, enjoying a beautiful environment, hearing incredible music, and getting shit faced.

Brian Bishop (111:52)

That's exactly why it's in their manifesto. It's children's hospitals.

Adam Carolla (111:56)

It's basically our life. I mean, not only did we raise a bunch of money, but everyone caught a buzz and we had a good time. And next thing you know, there was Ron Jeremy handing me a bottle of his, which I didn't hear. I didn't hear rum initially. He said, please take a bottle of my signature. And I said, oh, my God. Dear, no. Dear God, no. Is this Malibu? All right. Also, speaking of driving, what is this? We've talked about this all the time. The supplementary honk. The part where you kind of do something that you go, my bad. And you get the honk when it happens. I was driving to the studio tonight. There's that person just like Steve. It's an interesting thing. The person that lives in your blind spot, are they looking to be offended? You know, I mean, like, why are you in this position, physically in this position? Five times a week, somebody's gonna go in your lane because you're living in a no man's land. We cannot see you. It's sort of of. I don't know, it's like. It's like walking too closely behind someone. You're gonna get elbowed because the person's gonna.

Allison Rosen (113:10)

Yeah, you're hovering.

Adam Carolla (113:10)

Yeah, someone's gonna turn around and then you're gonna go. Excuse you. You hit me in there. It's like. Yeah, because you're in a spot. That makes you vulnerable to that. I was.

Brian Bishop (113:19)

I don't think they want to be outraged, although that certainly helps. They're just with the tune out factor. People out to lunch. They've got to just be.

Adam Carolla (113:25)

Yes, but zonked. True. But first off, how do you. I don't know that they know everything all the time. Like, there's, you know, clearly. No, I mean, psychologically, there's what we ask for what we want, but we usually get what we need in the sense. I know I'm starting to sound like a Rolling Stone song, but what I'm saying is, yes, that person is tuned out, but that person was riding in my blind spot for, you know, half a mile. I put my blinker on for a good three Mississippi and started to move over, immediately heard the honk and immediately went back. And then immediately did the. My bad hand. And then they drove off a little further. And then as I was passing them down the hill a little further, I got the second honk with the hand wave. So why the second honk with the hand wave if you're out of it? See, if you're out of it, they.

Allison Rosen (114:17)

Would just have seen you.

Adam Carolla (114:18)

Yeah. Are you in or are you out? Like, why are you hovering? See, I believe that people want to be victimized, so they. So you hover in the blind spot. Eye signals start to move over. You honk, I immediately move back. You don't have to swerve. You just honk and I move back. And then I give you the my bad. And then I get the second what the fuck? As I'm going by, like, again, like I'm some sort of escape mental patient who's on the road trying to take out lives. Like, there's cars on the road. People change lanes. Sometimes they change them when you're close to them.

Allison Rosen (114:50)

What is that? Just in case you think I've forgotten. I have not.

Adam Carolla (114:54)

I don't. There's gonna be an edible arrangeable that. That's coming. I have a friend who works at the dmv. I went ahead and got your license plate. Well, find your home address and there'll be a nice fruit basket that's gonna show up at your. Yeah. What do you want me. First off, I'm sorry, I attempted to change lanes in my car. You were in one of them. I put my hand up, immediately swerved back into my lane, and I put my hand up and said, sorry, isn't this exchange. Aren't we done with this exchange?

Allison Rosen (115:22)

That should be the end of it.

Adam Carolla (115:23)

Nope, it's Another honk. By the way, the second honk, it's me telling you to fuck off with a twist. And I don't mean an ending. I just mean the final.

Dave Damashek (115:31)

You know, maybe an interesting thing. You can go maybe on your shoulder, literally shot from your point of view, Adam, on the road, you did that how to go to the public restroom years ago. Maybe this should be a thing. You just wheeling around for an hour. How many violations can you get by. Not by. Not by our nation's laws, but by your laws.

Adam Carolla (115:52)

Yes.

Dave Damashek (115:52)

And you called people out by God's laws, actually.

Adam Carolla (115:55)

But yes, I just followed. All right, the great Dave Damoshek is in studio also.

Dave Damashek (116:01)

I don't. I think you could have a more robust applause for.

Mark Marin (116:07)

Not.

Adam Carolla (116:07)

All right, applause for Evoice, please. Yeah, you're gonna make some money in 2013 and beyond, baby, with the Evoice. Make more with Evoice. Click through the banner@adamcarolla.com your own toll free phone number, professional greeting. Dial by name directory and more. And it transcribes your voicemails. And this is the part. This is the thing I like. I don't know why I'm annoyed with even my own voice these days. I feel like I only want to hear. I want to read everything now. I don't want to hear my mom talking about muffins.

Brian Bishop (116:43)

Yeah, this thing through the ums and the uhs is.

Adam Carolla (116:46)

Don't worry about that. That's right. Evoice. It transcribes your voicemails and sends them to you instantly as a text or email. Oh, diabolical. And you can test out eVoice for 30 days at no cost. That's zero cost to you, to me, and to the aforementioned God, no cost. See how you can make it and see how you can take care of it and make more money. 30 days, no cost. You help the pirate ship while you grow your own business. That's what I call win, win. Go to evoice.com, use the promo code ADAM. Or just go to adamkroll.com and click on the E Voice banner. All right, Sheck, little sports, hit it bald. It's time for Dave Dameshek's number one sports. Number one sports. Do it, Dave.

Dave Damashek (117:40)

All right. NFL and college football a ways away for us. We are now into month two of the six month baseball season. But most importantly, right now, it is playoff time. NBA and NHL if you like. Beyond just our nation's most popular game of football. This is a grand time to have that last Button, you know, on your remote or whatever they call it. You click back and forth. Hockey, Basketball. Basketball, hockey. Oh, I love it. Previous channel.

Adam Carolla (118:10)

Yeah.

Dave Damashek (118:10)

They can't settle on in the name or even where it goes on the remote. For my money, it goes somewhere lower right hand corner. If I, if I, you know, if I had a choice in the design.

Adam Carolla (118:19)

I like to thin the herd a little on the buttons because I feel like there's 27 buttons. I don't know what they do.

Dave Damashek (118:26)

Some of them have fast forwards and stuff. And it's like, well, this, I don't even have anything to use those on. Yeah, that's a weird button.

Adam Carolla (118:32)

And like I said, if you have to take a hot steak knife and burn into the plastic so that you can feel the three buttons that you use in the sea of buttons. Buttons. That means there's too many fucking buttons. Yeah.

Brian Bishop (118:44)

Do I need a blue button?

Adam Carolla (118:45)

There's a blue one, the red one and the yellow one. I don't still have no idea what that makes it. Makes it a little smiley face. I don't know what that does. I don't know what the color.

Allison Rosen (118:53)

And then there's always a. In case you're gonna attach another appliance to it somehow. And I don't even know what's left you, but you're blunt.

Adam Carolla (118:59)

And then there's the one where it's what, what satellite channel you're on. What's the most, the most horrifying? All right, let me explain something. In military aircraft, they don't just have the launch the sparrow missiles button sitting next to the drink holder. You know what I mean? Like, so you put your elbow down. Oh shit. I just fired a couple of rockets.

Brian Bishop (119:20)

Like that's a design flaw.

Adam Carolla (119:21)

While we're on the deck of the carrier and it just went into the tanker truck. Like you don't you want to fire a missile on an aircraft? You have to flip up the COVID Like my race cars have toggle switches that have covers on them so that they can't deliberate be hit. And yes, you want to fire, so you have to like undo a few things. Pull the peel the COVID back. It's a little sort of doghouse that's on like a little spring loaded hinge. You pop it back and you flip it up like every good movie where like arm the missile system. I'll do that thing every once while where it's at night and I'll be trying to hit the mute. And as all sudden I'm on antenna X and it's Fuzz. And I'm like, oh shit. I'll never get it back. I'll never get Antenna A back. And. And how much toggling antenna. What is that?

Allison Rosen (120:07)

Meanwhile, you can't even set something to record without it asking you three times if you're sure you want to record it. I don't know if they replace where they put the. Is this your final answer?

Adam Carolla (120:15)

Part I know. All right.

Dave Damashek (120:18)

I feel for all of you and I'm surprised and disappointed, Ace, because I fancy myself. I mentioned last week when I visited that I happen to be the best order of food that I know. The same as you're a great receiver of oral. I am the best order at restaurants. I'm great with the menus. Another great skill of mine. I'm a top 10 with remote controls that I've ever known. You know, women are. It's all you know. Because that's. I choose to women more often than fellas and they get angry.

Adam Carolla (120:48)

No, no, no.

Dave Damashek (120:49)

Why don't I get the remote? Why don't I. Because it's not sexist. It's cuz I'm a master of it. You see, I make no mistakes. It's six minutes into any hotel room. I don't have to look at it any longer. It's like when you learn to dribble a basketball. That's what the coach teaches you. Damoshek needs not to look down at the remote. Right after I get into the room, I've mastered it immediately. I get the lay of it.

Adam Carolla (121:10)

If you do the volume and you flip flop and a lot of them do, we'll do volume on the left and channel on the right. And then at home it's the opposite. That's insane. There's certain things like all you know, know over here. Left hand drive. That's it. We don't toggle back and forth on right hand, left hand. What side of the street. A gallon's a gallon. Like there's just certain rules that. The thing with the volume toggle and the channel toggle. When that thing's off and you're in your hotel room, you'll fuck that up. Your entire stay drives me fucking insane.

Dave Damashek (121:41)

Not me, but I. Go ahead. No, you.

Allison Rosen (121:44)

Are you guys all on one remote? Because we have one remote to do the volume and then one to turn something on and then one. I don't know what it does.

Adam Carolla (121:51)

And well, there's a universal one that's just the size of a brick that the guy keeps trying to get me to use, but it's the same one. It's the big. I don't want to use it, so I turn it on with that one. And then it's a weird thing when he comes over to do something. He'll do the. Notice the regular remotes out. I put it in the drawer when I left. Yeah, it's just dusting it off, you know, I mean, just moving some batteries around. I start getting sheepish and apologetic like.

Brian Bishop (122:14)

The dentist asked if you floss.

Adam Carolla (122:16)

Yeah. I mean, no. I mean, yeah. I mean, no. I. Okay, hold on. I use. I use. Well, why do I bother programming everything into the universe? No, no, no. We use it all the time. I use it for volume.

Brian Bishop (122:28)

It's just, you know, there's dust on the remote.

Adam Carolla (122:32)

You know, first off, there's just sort of symmetry and a balance that I like for my coffee table. Just the one remote feels kind of lopsided.

Brian Bishop (122:40)

There's dog hair on your remote, and your dog died three months ago.

Adam Carolla (122:44)

I like to use it on. You know what I do? You know, when you throw a baseball, it feels good to have a mitt on. Yeah, but you're not using the mitt. You just kind of have it on. It's just for balance. It helps. I like to hold that remote I never use while I use your universal remote as a sort of a balance thing. It's just a balance thing. Yeah. He dresses me down. What's wrong with my work? What's wrong with my remote? I don't like that thing. It's too big. I like the feel of my little one. And I'm used to it. That's the problem.

Dave Damashek (123:12)

Under siege by the TV remote guy. Hey. So as I toggle back and forth between these hockey and basketball games, I've. I've noticed over the last year or so, this is really gaining steam among the coaches in the post game and on both teams. I mean, on both. In both sports. Less so in baseball because it's not an effort sport. In football, for whatever reason, you don't hear this one as much. But basketball and hockey, I hear this all the time in the post game from the coach. Hey, the other team outworked us. Hey, they just wanted it more than us.

Mark Marin (123:44)

These.

Dave Damashek (123:45)

These sorts of cliches, but they go with them constantly. And then the stars say that Carmelo Anthony, after the Knicks lost Game 1 to the Pacers, they. They outworked us. They out hustled us. But when it's the coach saying it, isn't that the one responsibility that he has going into the game? You're presumably superior athletic specimens because if it's a matter of who's working harder than you apparently have that have that over the other team, the only thing you had to do was make them try at least as hard as the other team and you failed to do so. Why are we allowed to be this honest with society after the game about well, yeah, they tried harder than we did. I find this an outrage and why is that statement not followed up with? And as a result I'm going to resign now because I'm not fit clearly to be funny.

Adam Carolla (124:35)

It lives in the same locker room as the God's will argument, which is sort of the ultimate opposite of that one. Some divine force came down and intervened in this victory. But think about this. If you just think about this sort of way things evolve, sports, it's a bunch of guys who have trouble stringing together sentence spending a lot of time behind microphones. You know what I mean? So what are you going to do if you have a bunch of folks? It's sort of like the stupid business guy who keeps saying at the end of the day, at the end of the day, you know, listen, it's all he's got. You know, at the end of the day, it's a dumb guy.

Allison Rosen (125:16)

It is what it is.

Adam Carolla (125:17)

Yeah. Dumb guy who has to speak. You're going to hear a lot of repetition. So you have sort of dumb people who are good at putting basketball in hoops and coaching those guys up and doing that in football and everything else. And then you have a press conference with them almost every day. So you have limited vocabulary mixed with a lot of microphones. You're going to get a lot of 110 percents and at the end of the days and outworked and God's will. And there's a, you know, you have to keep going back to those cliches.

Dave Damashek (125:48)

I like those well worn cliches. The one that we laugh, we, you, me, Sporty Simmons and the rest of the fellows have laughed at. For 20 years now, there has not been a team to win a championship in any sport that there isn't. That there aren't at least a half dozen guys in that locker room who announce. No one outside this locker room believed it.

Adam Carolla (126:06)

Us. What about your parents?

Dave Damashek (126:07)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (126:08)

Yeah. What about. Yeah.

Dave Damashek (126:09)

About half the people that made a visit to Vegas this weekend.

Adam Carolla (126:13)

Yeah. After all the people who bet on you.

Dave Damashek (126:15)

Yeah. Were those 75,000 people in the stands cheering for you? Are they masochists? Did they show up anticipating to be to go Home sad and depressed, right? Probably not.

Adam Carolla (126:27)

And especially when you go into the Super Bowl. A one and a half point dog. I don't think that's. Everyone in America doesn't believe you have a chance of winning this game. No one.

Dave Damashek (126:36)

Yeah, the Patriots are big on that one as well. Yeah, no one outside this locker room believed in us. Really?

Adam Carolla (126:41)

You got.

Dave Damashek (126:42)

You guys go 13 and 3 ish. 14 and 2 ish every year. No one expected this. I think they kind of did. Anyway. I find that one self defeating ultimately for these coaches to go up there, it's. It's like a barber. Hey, this beautiful woman who I accidentally gave a buzz cut to, she'd be beautiful if it weren't for that ridiculous head of hair she's wearing. You know, stupid thing. Now, now, basketball ace. Well, the Clippers and Lakers are both out of it, so Los Angeles has turned their attention elsewhere. But Kobe Bryant suing his mother for. Have you guys discussed this here?

Adam Carolla (127:15)

I've heard about it. No, no.

Dave Damashek (127:16)

Suing his mother because she wants to sell memorabilia. And I wish now, because I assumed it had come up, I wanted to get your thoughts on this, Ace. And gang, he is, because she in Philadelphia has a house full and apparently there's. There's some bad blood there between Kobe and his old man. And she wants to sell his basketball, high school stuff, his trophies, jerseys, all that jazz for apparently a good chunk of loot. It begs many questions. One, Kobe doesn't. I mean, he's got to be worth $200 million or whatever. He doesn't kick anything to his mom. That seems a little weird if she needed money so badly that she has to clear out the attic. And two, what. What memorabilia of Adam Carolla's youth is in either parents home right now? Is there any.

Adam Carolla (128:08)

You can't find a picture.

Dave Damashek (128:09)

Is there anything?

Brian Bishop (128:10)

Oh, I know one. Fruit roll up.

Adam Carolla (128:13)

There's fruit roll up on the ceiling of my mom's house that me and my cousin Greg put there in 1974.

Dave Damashek (128:19)

How much do you think that would be worth if you put that on ebay? I bet you could fetch $15 for that.

Adam Carolla (128:23)

Well, it's gonna come down on my.

Allison Rosen (128:24)

Vintage roll up, Shirley.

Adam Carolla (128:25)

Coming down on my stepdad its head pretty soon because the plaster's in. Fucking horrific. Horrific. It's all you need to know about the Corollas. I put a piece of fruit roll up, and I'm talking cherry flavored fruit roll up and I'm talking about 1974. Could have been 73. I was very young And I stuck it to the ceiling and it is still on the ceiling above my stepdad's bedroom, which is also the den. So we would sit on his bed to watch the TV that was in the house. You can go to AdamCroll.com and see that.

Dave Damashek (129:05)

Ooh, I love that wallpaper. That was everywhere in the 70s and every boy's room in the 70s.

Allison Rosen (129:11)

My brothers had that wallpaper. Little drummer boys.

Adam Carolla (129:14)

He was a 51 year old man. He slept on a non bed. You understand? My stepdad does not have a bed. He has a sofa that turns into a bed after everyone's done farting on it watching Maude. That's what he has. Weird. Yeah, it's weird. Everything is weird. Everything is weird with the who's the.

Dave Damashek (129:39)

Loser in this equation? Or the biggest of the three? Is it Kobe Bryant who is suing his parents who are trying to sell away what I imagine is a very valuable collection of stuff?

Adam Carolla (129:50)

Well, hold on. We say very valuable.

Dave Damashek (129:52)

Well, it's his jerseys. I mean, he's one of the all time great NBA players.

Adam Carolla (129:55)

I'm trying to think though, like, are we talking about a symbolic. To me, this feels very symbolic. I don't feel like his parents are destitute. I feel like it's like, screw you, son.

Dave Damashek (130:08)

Take this.

Adam Carolla (130:09)

This is a. Take this move. Because we know that if they're on good terms, they wouldn't be doing this. And again, everyone likes money, but you wouldn't do this for the money if you're on good terms. There's something going on with their son.

Dave Damashek (130:23)

Yeah, there is something. She was paid a lot of loot for an appearance related to selling this stuff off to like an auction house or something in advance. But again, why was she so desperate for money? I hear what you're saying. This was ultimately probably an F U to Kobe. And so you wonder what the fracture there is. I do think it's probably worth a lot.

Adam Carolla (130:44)

It says. Well, it'd be interesting to find out. I mean, there's a lot and then there's a lot. Like, you know, Jersey, $10,000 or something. I don't know.

Dave Damashek (130:52)

I don't know how. What those, what the market is for.

Brian Bishop (130:54)

He came straight out of high school. That's sort of like his college stuff.

Adam Carolla (130:57)

Yeah, true, but in some. And it's weird because sometimes this stuff, I know this from cars. Like there's certain guys, cars go on sale at auction and sometimes it's Steve McQueen and it goes through the roof and sometimes it's the guy from Zz Top. And it's just whatever Camaro goes for is what his goes for. Plus a signed guitar in the back. When did guitars become free? I feel like we're lousy with guitars now. Like when I was a kid, if someone had a guitar, they were full blown musician and that was kind of a big deal. Now I just feel like people are signing them and handing them out. Every. If you go to any program director's office, there's a bunch of them leaning against the wall. Like, I didn't know anybody that had guitars. Just open a closet and avalanche of guitars would come out.

Brian Bishop (131:43)

Yeah, those are my axes.

Adam Carolla (131:45)

Yeah, your axes. Yeah. I can weigh when I have too. So ultimately, I think Kobe, I'm told here, has given too much money to his wife's family and his family.

Dave Damashek (131:58)

Oh, is that the. That's the story. I have not.

Adam Carolla (132:02)

Doesn't like it. And let me tell you about family and usually how family. Also, his dad played in the European leagues, right. But never had the success. You know, he's playing in Europe. So your dad, you know, you want your dad to be a mason or a dental hygienist, and then you're in the NBA. Not. There's a lot of dads, guys, forwards in the NBA or guards in the NBA whose dads are dental hygienists. But what I'm saying, you don't want your dad to be a shittier version of you.

Allison Rosen (132:31)

No.

Adam Carolla (132:31)

And that's like, if my dad tried to do podcasting all through his 30s and 40s and just was a miserable washout, he'd probably be a bigger douche to me than he already is. And I say that with great respect.

Brian Bishop (132:43)

He did try and do podcasts.

Adam Carolla (132:44)

I had to ask you, old man. I had to pull the plug. But what I'm saying is this, you don't. His dad is probably a little jealous, a little pissed off. You know, his dad's probably doing that thing, by the way, that like the Mayweather family does are like in his prime. I could take them if I was 30 years younger. It's a great black guy thing. White guys don't do that. I don't know what it is. And Jews don't even bring it up. But it's one of those things. The brothers have this thing where the dad will be like 61 and by the way, in pretty incredible shape for a 61 year old. But let's just do that. If I was 30 years, if this was 30 years ago, I could whip this guy. And it's like, well, let's do the math on you. Whether you're Muhammad Ali's dad or Kobe Bryant's dad, why could you. You beat the best player in the world or the best boxer in the world just because you were 31?

Allison Rosen (133:28)

And why are you trying to beat your son anyway?

Adam Carolla (133:30)

There's a. I'm telling you, I've watched enough Mayweather documentaries to understand we can't understand that culture.

Dave Damashek (133:36)

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's crazy.

Adam Carolla (133:38)

So here's how families work. They work like women work. When it comes to engagement rings, there's no set price. You know, if your family lives in Guadalajara and you work cleaning houses and you send $200 a month to them, they're over the moon about it. How incredible that this person is working three jobs and he's sending us $200 a month and she's sending it. That's wonderful. But if you're super rich and you're in the NBA and you send your family 200 bucks a month, then you're fucking pissed, right? So it's not really the amount. It's the percentage. It's the ring.

Allison Rosen (134:17)

It's what you can't pay.

Adam Carolla (134:19)

Yes. Donald Trump marries his fifth wife. He gets her an $1800 engagement ring. She's fucking pissed about it. Donald Trump works at Arby's. He gets an $800 engagement ring. She's over the moon. So it's just this sort of relative thing, literally. And I don't think his family probably feels like he's kicking down enough. I remember my mom, I put on a roof for my mom and did a bunch of shit at my mom's house, but I was leasing my dad a car at the time, and she was always kind of pissed about it. It's called character, people. She should make those posters they put up in bad businesses where they have an eagle on it.

Brian Bishop (135:01)

Successories.

Adam Carolla (135:02)

Yeah, successor.

Brian Bishop (135:03)

That's a great podcasting moment right there. A Carolla just explained how families work.

Adam Carolla (135:06)

I do. I've seen him on tv. So.

Dave Damashek (135:10)

So we. You have. You have Ace's family, who has none of his memorabilia. You have Kobe's, whose family has it and is now selling it off for their own personal gain because they're. Whatever their beef is. And then there's me and Mo Damask, who back in, is using whatever space she has to store all to sort all. I mean, she's got.

Allison Rosen (135:30)

She doesn't even put pressure on you to come clean it out.

Dave Damashek (135:32)

She would like me to clear it out, but what am I gonna Do. How am I getting it from people Pittsburgh to California. It's a tough move.

Adam Carolla (135:38)

I have said one of these days we'll do it. I would offer up $10,000. I'll do a price thing. If you find a man show box set or a crank anchor's box set or a copy of my book.

Dave Damashek (135:54)

Mo has them all.

Adam Carolla (135:56)

Really?

Dave Damashek (135:56)

She probably.

Adam Carolla (135:57)

Or a bottle of red or white Mangria, I'll go down a laundry list of things and then I'll go, that's $10,000 item. Like man show box set. That's $10,000 item.

Allison Rosen (136:06)

Cruel. A scavenger hunt.

Adam Carolla (136:07)

And bottle of Mangria.

Brian Bishop (136:09)

A savager hunt.

Adam Carolla (136:10)

That'll be a $5,000 item. We can go right on down if you hit all of them. You can go to my dad's house. You could potentially walk out of there with $170,000 if you hit on all these things. I won't bring my checkbook.

Dave Damashek (136:24)

I'll bring my checkbook and I'll try to make deals with you out of Mo's storage facility that has. I don't know what has Swimming. Third place finishes.

Adam Carolla (136:36)

Where's my mom? Arguing being. Being schooled by Mo Damaschek on the Adam Carolla Morning show trivia competition.

Dave Damashek (136:41)

How did I know that these are. These are. And then Mo Damaschek would follow up with correct answers about Adam Carolla's life. Not me.

Adam Carolla (136:49)

Right.

Dave Damashek (136:49)

That we didn't have to ask any questions about me.

Adam Carolla (136:51)

Here's how it would go. Here's how it go. What is the name of the black intern that works. Oh, you be Mo Dam that works on the Adam Carolla Show. Chris Carolla. Ooh, ooh.

Allison Rosen (137:03)

I know this one. I know that.

Adam Carolla (137:04)

Okay. Mo Damaschek. Jaron. Come on.

Dave Damashek (137:07)

Jaron off the hizzle. Everybody should know that. Jaron's off the hizzle. Yo.

Adam Carolla (137:12)

Okay, what is the name of the producer of the Adam Carolla show? How should I know? Okay. Mo Damoshek.

Dave Damashek (137:20)

It's Jim Brusca. He's so sweet. I don't know why you guys are so mean to him.

Adam Carolla (137:25)

Give me he.

Dave Damashek (137:25)

Look, he's trying hard. You can tell. He's just.

Adam Carolla (137:28)

She knew every single answer. And my mom saying was like, how would anyone know these things?

Dave Damashek (137:33)

But I love you, Mo Damage. Okay, I've lost my brusky entirely.

Adam Carolla (137:38)

You lost your brusque ball. All right. Creep of the week. All right.

Dave Damashek (137:41)

Let's get the creep of the week here. Crepe, crepe, crepe up the Witch of the week. He or she is the creep of the week. Hey, hit me up on Twitter, because I get. I get these multiple times each week at Damoshek, and I just got one last night saying I sat down to watch Star wars with my son for the first time, and when this music came on, it was ruined because all I could hear was your awful singing.

Allison Rosen (138:13)

Ruined. I think it's been helpful.

Adam Carolla (138:15)

Thank you. Thank you.

Dave Damashek (138:16)

Thank you for appreciating art. Wow. I don't know what that's about. Different opinions. Now, here's something. This isn't really a creep of the week, but I promised I would bring it up. It's. It's interesting, at least. And I'm offended by other people's responses to this. This came up on my podcast last week, and I. I said, like, I. That I would bring it up and.

Adam Carolla (138:33)

Get your Dave Damwick football program on itunes.

Dave Damashek (138:36)

Thank you. Is food. Which color has the most good food associated with it? To me, there is one answer. Don't just spit it out. Think it through. And there's really only one answer. But the people, when it comes up that they argue tooth and nail when they're clearly wrong about it, makes me crazy. You mean they fight. Yeah, but I like.

Adam Carolla (139:00)

But. But.

Dave Damashek (139:01)

But I really happen to. Green is best. Green's not best in any world. There's no way green. Well, I like salads. Yeah, fine, you like salads. But I can name a lot of things. Well, green is very bad. But asparagus, you know, shut up.

Adam Carolla (139:15)

You don't want. And then they start working in other colors. A little hollandaise sauce. That's white.

Dave Damashek (139:21)

All right, Brian, I can start with you.

Adam Carolla (139:24)

We're done with sports. An example, like, orange is a good color, but it's. You know, you got oranges, and you have, like, salmon, pumpkin, I guess you have.

Dave Damashek (139:34)

I count it all. And by the way, it's separate things. Salmon doesn't. Just. Doesn't Just. Just. Then say, lox goes away. It's a different meal. So you would put out everything Orange. You get lox and salmon.

Adam Carolla (139:46)

I see.

Dave Damashek (139:47)

You know what I'm saying?

Adam Carolla (139:47)

Yeah, yeah.

Dave Damashek (139:48)

And an orange and a tangello.

Adam Carolla (139:50)

Oh, tangella, if that's what you want.

Dave Damashek (139:53)

Orange sherbet, if that's your place.

Brian Bishop (139:54)

Is the color hurt by the number of bad foods in that category?

Dave Damashek (139:58)

I haven't completely figured out the rules. I say yellow.

Brian Bishop (140:00)

Olive oil, corn, lemon, Twinkies, tortillas.

Adam Carolla (140:05)

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Allison Rosen (140:09)

Can I just guess what your right answer is?

Dave Damashek (140:12)

I'd rather you announce from your heart and from your belly what your choice is.

Adam Carolla (140:17)

I'm gonna say turquoise, and I don't think I have to explain myself. As a matter of fact, I really.

Dave Damashek (140:23)

Want to get the Rosie Perez, don't you?

Adam Carolla (140:25)

I do. It's in a weird, bizarre, boring way. It should be red. I think it's white. White, I think.

Dave Damashek (140:32)

Well, that's a good choice. Red is better than I first thought. I thought yellow. I made the announcement. Well, I'll tell you in a second. Okay, Allison Rosen, what's the correct answer?

Allison Rosen (140:40)

My belly is saying white. But I said I thought you were going to go red.

Dave Damashek (140:43)

No, brown is the correct answer.

Adam Carolla (140:45)

How I wanted to say brown.

Dave Damashek (140:47)

Look at everybody behind the glass going wild with. With approval.

Adam Carolla (140:51)

They know what is. Look, all meat. Hold on, hold on. Don't hold on me. You don't wag your finger bigger than my Time Corolla.

Allison Rosen (141:00)

Meat is red.

Adam Carolla (141:02)

Hold on. Wait a second. But what if you took bacon and you took my white away from your bacon? No, it's red.

Brian Bishop (141:09)

I'm good.

Dave Damashek (141:09)

I'm counting red. I'm counting bacon as red. Red is delicious. Has ketchup. Has marinara sauce, strawberries.

Adam Carolla (141:17)

Yeah.

Dave Damashek (141:17)

Has hot dogs.

Adam Carolla (141:18)

Meat's red.

Brian Bishop (141:19)

Dude, good. Meat is red.

Dave Damashek (141:20)

No, no, no. I don't want what you get at the butcher counter. I'm talking about when it goes on your plate. It's brown potato. How about anything? Or just about anything.

Brian Bishop (141:30)

And yellow with butter.

Dave Damashek (141:32)

What's on the outside? It's brown. Now, listen to me. Fried chicken is brown. Bread is brown.

Adam Carolla (141:38)

Bread is brown.

Allison Rosen (141:39)

Bread can be white.

Adam Carolla (141:40)

And what?

Dave Damashek (141:41)

And let me tell you something else. Grilled chicken is white.

Adam Carolla (141:44)

Now, you're gonna make a great old man chocolate.

Dave Damashek (141:46)

How about chocolate mousse? How about chocolate pudding? How about chocolate cake?

Adam Carolla (141:50)

Imagine this conversation with no one else in the room. That's the correct answer, and all of you are wrong.

Dave Damashek (141:59)

And you've proven my point for the second straight week. Bald Bryan. Adam Carolla.

Adam Carolla (142:05)

Allison Rosen, I didn't do this to you. You did this to you. Taste the blaster, creeps.

Dave Damashek (142:13)

That's it.

Adam Carolla (142:13)

I'm done.

Dave Damashek (142:14)

I don't want to hang out with you. I'm gonna go get some brown food.

Adam Carolla (142:16)

All right, Rosie. They're called Mexican spiders. Now she's offended. All right, Mother's Day coming up this Sunday, 100 blooms for Mom. And I don't know what color. That's every color. That's rainbow. That's Skittles, baby. 100 blooms for mom. Just $19.99. That's 50% off the usual price. That is half price, baby. Or you can upgrade chocolates brown.

Brian Bishop (142:46)

Every kind of chocolate apparently is brown.

Adam Carolla (142:49)

Pink. Ah, pink. We forgot about pink. Pink premium vase. Just 10 bucks more. Proflowers are guaranteed to last a full week or your money back. And the only way to get this great deal is go to proflowers.com click on the microphone in the top right hand corner and type in Ace. Good sponsors, good people. ProFlowers. Great product. ProFlowers.com type in Ace. Okay. Dave Damaschek. Dave Damaschek football program. You get on iTunes website davedamic.NFL.com and you can tweet him. Rosie Perez in here. Next. Excited about that us. By the way, me and Dr. Drew, we are on sale if you want to check out. Me and Dr. Drew. We've taken three shows and we combine them. Just $4.99 on iTunes. So if you want some wisdom, check that out. Allison Rosen is your new best friend. New episodes available on itunes and our app. This week's guest, Jim Florentine, or as we know him, special ed. God, his crank yanker stuff where he got that guy on the other line and was belching and the guy was talking into the phone saying, I know who this is. I was sitting next to him when he did that one.

Dave Damashek (144:06)

I know you don't want to derail anything now, but it is, you know, you said Howie Mandel and it reminds me of this Howie Mandel. The hipsters may not like it, but he would walk out on stage in his standup heyday and just play entirely off the audience. Similarly, Jim Florentine, you Kimmel, trying to think of the other guys that were really good at it. It was really, it really exposed who's really funny off the cuff like that versus people that you need that just look strictly at the writers looking on crankage because you would sit there on a dry erase board and write jokes for our lines or whatever to perpetuate the call. And some people just stared at that board begging, please write something I can use here. And other people just essentially you didn't need to be in the room. For him and Jim Florentine, to his credit, he needed no one. He came up with all that stuff.

Allison Rosen (144:53)

Well, he tells some stories about prank calls and about meeting Adam and Jimmy and various uncomfortable prank situations on the.

Adam Carolla (145:00)

Episode alisonrosen.com where you can hear that as well. All right, quick break. Rosie Perez in studio. Next. Rosie Perez in Studio. The 24 hour plays six plays. Correct me if I'm wrong here, Rosie. Welcome to the show.

Rosie Perez (145:21)

Hi. Thank you.

Adam Carolla (145:23)

Six plays, written, cast, and rehearsed in 24 hours. Yeah, this seems very difficult to me.

Rosie Perez (145:30)

It's insanity. And I've been doing it for 11 years.

Adam Carolla (145:35)

I have heard about it before. I guess you don't know what you can do until you do it.

Rosie Perez (145:42)

Yeah. And it's really crazy to see, like, the film actors and the come in on Broadway and try to, you know, pull it off. The fear in them is hilarious. That's the only joy I have during the night, is to see them panic. You know, give us some.

Adam Carolla (145:59)

Some folks that crap themselves before the show.

Rosie Perez (146:02)

I can't do that.

Adam Carolla (146:03)

Come on, a couple of names.

Rosie Perez (146:04)

We need them back.

Allison Rosen (146:07)

Or you can tell us. Yeah, okay.

Rosie Perez (146:08)

You know, I can say. Because she's a friend, Eva Mendez. Sorry, Eva. She was so freaked out because, you know, it's Broadway. It was her Broadway debut, and you're supposed to be off book, meaning that no script in hand, no cheating. And she brought a prop on stage, and it was a magazine, and in the magazine was her script. And when she. She sat down and, I mean, got up from when she was seated, the script fell off on the stage. The whole audience started cracking up. She turned beet red. And the other actors, who were seasoned theater actors, kept going on, and she was baffled. She was just, like, at a loss. And she couldn't stop cracking up. It was great, though.

Adam Carolla (146:48)

Well, it's weird because most people become actors, or a lot of actors are shitty students. And when. I mean, I don't mean that in a bad way. It's just they're bored. They don't like the system. You know what I mean? In their mind, they're out soaring over the school like a hawk, you know? And so homework is. At some point, everything comes down to homework. Like, I don't care how creative your job is. It's like, read this manual and learn it. And at a certain point, someone hands you a script, and. And it's 85 pages, and I go, memorize this. And that's fucking homework. So you're an actor and you're doing this artistic stuff and you're expressing yourself. At a certain point, you get homework, and that's the play. And so you don't have that muscle exercise very well. That's a good student muscle. Other one's a homework muscle. So the cheating muscle jumps in. And people would tell me all the time, like, guys would do sitcoms and where they'd have to lean over a casket and say something. And they'd have the script spread out on the corpse. Like, anything where they could look down. Just anything where you felt like you're going out without a security blanket or there was no net under you. I think that's what freaks people out.

Rosie Perez (148:03)

Yeah, yeah. And it's. I mean, I'm telling you, like, it benefits my charity Urban Arts Partnership, so I have to do it. So now I say, listen, write me one line. I'm in and I'm out. Because I still have to do work, you know, I have to help put on the show and do press and make sure the actors are comfortable. And that's another thing. There's no trailers in theater, you know, and there's no dressing rooms because you have 24 actors all together. And it's a charity event. So we don't. We're not privy because it's against the unions for them to have dressing rooms. And so they're all just on one floor piled up on each other.

Adam Carolla (148:45)

Oh, my God. You could see Eva Mendez's booby if you didn't. I mean.

Rosie Perez (148:49)

Oh, my God.

Adam Carolla (148:51)

I'm just saying. I mean, I don't have delicate sensibilities, but, I mean, if I turned the corner and I saw her in her underpants, it's happened.

Rosie Perez (149:01)

It's happened.

Adam Carolla (149:02)

Freaked out if you weren't talking about lawsuit, but, yeah. Anyway, it was let. Professional going out on stage with a boner is not easy to do. So who else takes part in these plays? Oh, throw some good names around.

Rosie Perez (149:16)

Jennifer Aniston.

Adam Carolla (149:17)

Haven't heard of her.

Rosie Perez (149:18)

All right, how about Demi Moore? You've ever heard of her?

Adam Carolla (149:21)

Someone is on a list.

Rosie Perez (149:22)

I only know, okay, Liev Shriver, Sam Rockwell, the band.

Adam Carolla (149:31)

I don't know that. I don't know these names, but again, I mean, I'm more of a sports guy. So, Rosie Pereiras. How do you start off? I mean, how does. How it seems you in Hollywood seem like a unlikely fit? How does it go for you? How does it become.

Rosie Perez (149:46)

Why do you say that?

Adam Carolla (149:47)

Because you're very unconventional. Like when they say a model has good looks, but, like, that sort of exotic or unconventional sort of thing. Did you have a bunch of people in high school saying you're a leading woman?

Rosie Perez (150:02)

They. They. They would always say that I was an alpha female. Definitely. They always said I was an alpha female.

Adam Carolla (150:07)

That was code for dyke. They didn't mean. They weren't talking about acting. They weren't talking about acting. Alpha female does not mean you need to go to the theater, you need to go to Truck Stop. That's what they meant. I'm just telling you what they were thinking.

Rosie Perez (150:20)

Okay, so. But what was weird is that I, you know, I went to college for biochemistry, you know, and I. And I wanted to either be, you know, you know, marine biologists or political scientists or, you know, in that realm. So, you know, but it was really weird. Starting from elementary school, you know, when you get your class pictures and you hand them out and everything. I used to sign it to so and so from your beautiful, extremely talented, extraordinary best friend, Rosie Perez. Please remember why. I don't know. I don't know.

Adam Carolla (150:54)

Narcissism disorder.

Allison Rosen (150:57)

And how could you even fiddle that.

Adam Carolla (150:58)

On a little photo? That's a lot. Yeah. At certain point, you're gonna be covering the cash register, you know what I'm saying? With a Sharpie.

Rosie Perez (151:05)

I am so sorry.

Adam Carolla (151:10)

Rosa. Is that post?

Allison Rosen (151:11)

No, she's dog sitting.

Rosie Perez (151:13)

I'm dog sitting someone else.

Adam Carolla (151:15)

Oh, thank God it was on the script.

Rosie Perez (151:17)

Do you need to.

Adam Carolla (151:17)

That script? Not anymore. Okay, no, we have.

Allison Rosen (151:20)

That was a review.

Brian Bishop (151:21)

Now we know what the dog thinks of the script.

Adam Carolla (151:24)

Well, Teddy got half the carpet and half the script.

Allison Rosen (151:27)

We're talking.

Rosie Perez (151:28)

It's my girlfriend, Ilana.

Adam Carolla (151:30)

Is Eliana Douglas?

Rosie Perez (151:31)

No, Iliana Angelo. She's Cuban. From.

Adam Carolla (151:35)

Sorry, way the off. I'm a mental patient.

Rosie Perez (151:40)

She. It was her birthday. Single mile. So she went to Mexico and I didn't want to go.

Adam Carolla (151:44)

Hold on, is that all? Mexicans, birthdays?

Rosie Perez (151:46)

No, she's Cuban.

Adam Carolla (151:48)

I know. I'm confused.

Brian Bishop (151:51)

Dogs running around the room like a.

Adam Carolla (151:52)

Roomba, except for doing the opposite of a Roomba.

Allison Rosen (151:56)

Well, Rosie and I were talking earlier about. I was saying how people will just casually ask you to dog sit, and you say yes, not realizing it's much more work than babysitting.

Adam Carolla (152:06)

Oh, my God. And then the responsibility. Hold on. Whoever's the lowest lackey on the goomber totem pole. Get in here with, like, a wet nap and let's get going on that whiz before it sinks into the padding. Number one.

Brian Bishop (152:20)

Poor Kaylin.

Adam Carolla (152:21)

Kaylin's coming in. All right, here's the thing. The other part is the emotional responsibility. Yeah, I've done dog sitting. Where the fucking dog took off. Doesn't listen to anybody. And you see it running across a busy street, and you're thinking of that person because that person tell them you take care of little Susie because she's my world. She's my world. And then she hands you the dog, and then if something happened. There was a guy I used to work with named Mike who was our foreman, and he had a mustache, and he worked on a mine sweep in Vietnam. And he was one of the biggest assholes I've ever met in my life. Now, construction guys are notoriously. You have something against cleaning up your. Thank you.

Rosie Perez (153:09)

The guy with the camera.

Allison Rosen (153:11)

None of us do.

Adam Carolla (153:11)

Yeah, he's one of those nationalities that dogs don't like. There's a handful of them.

Brian Bishop (153:16)

He's from the good food. Nationality?

Adam Carolla (153:17)

Yeah.

Brian Bishop (153:18)

Brown.

Adam Carolla (153:21)

So they. This dog. This guy Mike was scared everyone. He was an asshole, and he was like, vietnam vet. Fucking screamed at everyone all the time. And one day, only time he was ever in a good mood is when he had his little dog named Buckwheat. And he told this guy Jeff, take care of Buckwheat. Jeff was the same guy who I wrote about in my book who was pissed off. I don't know if I wrote about him book, but he was the guy who wanted to be the fireman, but he couldn't be a fireman because he was white. And he was pissed at this other black guy because he was doing earthquake work. He was getting affirmative action, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, this guy Jeff was told to look after Mike's dog. And this guy Mike took off down Wilshire Boulevard, and his dog Buckwheat, like, jumped out of Jeff's hands and chased a pickup truck right out onto the street and immediately got run over. Oh, so not only did he immediately get run over, but poor Jeff had to wait for Mike to come back from the lumber place knowing that this crazed Vietnam vet who was strung out on painkillers, and the only thing that he did like was Buckwheat was gonna. First thing when he came back was, where's Buckwheat? And he's gonna have to explain in the wheel well of that Buick over there. So they give you their dogs sharing that horrible story? Yeah, No, I don't want it to happen. It should have happened 10 minutes ago. Now we're fine until the dog rehydrates. So people give you their dog, and then it's like their emotional future is wrapped up in how good job you do with these dogs. Right? Yeah. So what's going on on Cinco de Mayo? She went to where? She went to Mexico on Cinco de Mayo?

Rosie Perez (154:57)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (154:57)

To celebrate.

Rosie Perez (154:58)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (154:59)

Okay. I feel like you could do that in la. I guess I could probably get together a handful of Mexicans if you want to throw a party. But is she from Here.

Rosie Perez (155:07)

No, she's from Miami and New Jersey. She's Cuban.

Adam Carolla (155:11)

Cubans. Wait a minute. But if you're Cuban, do you need to go to Mexico?

Rosie Perez (155:15)

Oh, my God, I'm not even gonna go there.

Adam Carolla (155:18)

Do you. I don't know how it works. Is that. All right, so they go. That's Jesus's birthday. Right? Okay, so they. Jesus, they. They beat the French.

Brian Bishop (155:31)

Yeah. In a war he rose from the grave to defeat.

Adam Carolla (155:34)

To defeat the French. That's right. I gotta bring that up next time I'm making fun of someone who's French. Guys got your ass handed to you by Mexico. They sobered up long enough to kick your ass.

Brian Bishop (155:43)

The Mexico.

Adam Carolla (155:44)

Mexico.

Rosie Perez (155:45)

The French got their ass kicked in Haiti, too.

Adam Carolla (155:47)

Oh, really, Toussaint?

Rosie Perez (155:49)

Louverture?

Adam Carolla (155:50)

I'll put that on my resume when I'm yelling at French people, too. Hey, industrial powerhouse, naval powerhouse, Air Force powerhouse. Mexico and Haiti both kicked your asses. How do you feel about that?

Allison Rosen (156:03)

Don't you almost hope you run into.

Adam Carolla (156:05)

He's got a cop and attitude, so I can unload on him. So now you're watching the dog. What's the dog's name? Name.

Rosie Perez (156:11)

Teddy, but I call him the Little Varmint.

Adam Carolla (156:15)

Yeah. No.

Rosie Perez (156:16)

Yeah, Cuz. Yeah.

Allison Rosen (156:18)

So are you watching Three Dogs, though?

Rosie Perez (156:19)

I'm watching. Yeah. Yeah. Because there's. There's Eddie, that. His real name is Teddy. Yeah. And Risotto.

Adam Carolla (156:27)

Oh, boy. I don't like this person.

Rosie Perez (156:30)

And a parrot called Pablito, and he says his name, Pablito.

Adam Carolla (156:35)

Oh, really?

Rosie Perez (156:35)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (156:38)

Maybe this person shouldn't be leaving town. I mean, God forbid, tragedy strikes in Mexico and you're left with a menagerie. Yeah.

Rosie Perez (156:45)

Yeah. And the main thing was, please don't let a coyote eat them.

Adam Carolla (156:50)

Oh, yeah. Oh, there's a lot of coyotes around New York.

Rosie Perez (156:53)

We don't have coyotes.

Adam Carolla (156:54)

No. But out here, no. When it gets dark, you got to bring everything in. Coyotes. Turns out coyotes eat just about anything that's not nailed down. Or if you nailed down your cat, they would definitely. It'd just be easier. But they eat. Coyotes eat things that are smaller than them. I don't have other coyotes. Yeah, they eat anything that's technically smaller. They will eat little dogs, cats, anything you leave outside at night, they'll come up here in the hills and eat your ass. So now what plays do you do, Rosie? Do you pick every year? What different plays or. The stuff's all created on the fly on the day.

Rosie Perez (157:32)

Everybody comes together on Sunday evening, and the directors, the writers, the producers, and the actors all meet and they introduce each other. That night is fun that, you know, because everyone stands up, introduces themselves and tells them what. What's their talent, what they want to do and not want to do. And it turns into just to a big comedic explosion. And then everyone goes away except the writer. And the writers stay up all night and write six original plays right there. And in the morning, the actors come in at 7am they don't come in at 7. I hate it.

Adam Carolla (158:08)

6:45. I get you.

Rosie Perez (158:10)

Oh, no, they come in like at 8.

Adam Carolla (158:12)

Later.

Rosie Perez (158:13)

Oh my God. You know, it's because they're not theater actors. Like in the theater, if you. In theater, you could get fired for anything. They fired Liza Minnelli from a show. You know what I mean?

Adam Carolla (158:24)

Like you.

Rosie Perez (158:25)

You know, so all the theater actors are always there on time and the movie actors are just strolling in. I'm like, wow. Because it's not a lot of time because you have from 7am to half hour, which is 7:30 curtains up at 8 to memorize a play and, you know, rehearse a play with other actors in it. And it's rude to come late, but they come late and then they.

Adam Carolla (158:50)

Actors are lazy for the most part.

Rosie Perez (158:51)

No, they're not. No, they're not. It's hard to do a play.

Adam Carolla (158:56)

That's what I'm saying. But they're late. They shouldn't be late.

Rosie Perez (158:58)

Theater actors are never late.

Adam Carolla (158:59)

No, but actor. I mean, TV actors, you know, soap actors. That's what I'm talking about.

Rosie Perez (159:06)

The TV actors do well, though, because they have to learn things much more, you know.

Allison Rosen (159:11)

So it's the movie actors who are.

Rosie Perez (159:12)

It's the movie actors that have the most difficult.

Adam Carolla (159:14)

Yeah, yeah.

Rosie Perez (159:15)

No, Liev is a theater actor, honey.

Adam Carolla (159:17)

Oh.

Rosie Perez (159:18)

Oh, he is Theotor. Yeah, he's. He. He's. He's amazing.

Adam Carolla (159:22)

Isn't he Married to. Who's this famous something. He's got a famous wife, doesn't he? Yeah, you're right.

Rosie Perez (159:29)

I got a brain fart. She would kill me that I forgot her name.

Adam Carolla (159:32)

Jessica Simpson.

Brian Bishop (159:33)

No, it is somewhat very famous like that.

Rosie Perez (159:35)

No, she's an amazing actress.

Adam Carolla (159:37)

Yeah. So amazing we can't remember. Yes, they're. They're one of those couples that are just better than we are. That's. That's all. Now listen, let me tell you something. We're gonna get some. Get some news ready. Lumosity. If we'd all worked. Lumosity.

Brian Bishop (159:52)

I missed my Lumosity training today.

Adam Carolla (159:54)

We would know. We would know who it is. Hold on. No one in here heard you.

Brian Bishop (160:00)

We're trying to Lieber.

Adam Carolla (160:03)

Yes. Naomi Watts. There you go.

Rosie Perez (160:06)

Naomi Watts.

Adam Carolla (160:07)

Lumasi. See, if we had done our training today, we would be able to pull that up. Yeah, it's lumosity.com, by the way. It's like a personal trainer for your brain. And as I've said, games, like video games, but you play them and instead of getting dumber like you do when you play video games, you get smarter, sharper memories.

Brian Bishop (160:28)

They're flash based, like brain teasers. They're really fun.

Adam Carolla (160:30)

Yeah. But there's a million different ones and you can measure your success. You can find out what direction you're going, find out how you stack up against other folks in your age range, things like that. It's really. It's really cool. And again, it's like core training, but for the ultimate core, the core that's in your skull. You can start training today.

Brian Bishop (160:51)

Head core.

Adam Carolla (160:52)

Head core. Hardcore head core. Go to lumosity.com l u m o s I-T-Y.com Click on the start training and you can start training for free. Begin for free. Yes. Brian.

Brian Bishop (161:06)

Hey, real quick, speaking of training, Rosie Perez really into box.

Adam Carolla (161:10)

Oh, yeah, I've heard about that. Hold the focus Myth for you. Lumosity.com, buddy. That's all right. See if you've done your training today. I know you're known. Yeah, tell them you heard it from me. It's really, really heady stuff. Pardon the pun. Who do you like? Who do you like? Boxing.

Rosie Perez (161:28)

I like a lot of boxers. Of course. I like Mayweather.

Adam Carolla (161:33)

Sure.

Rosie Perez (161:33)

Everybody said that, you know, the fight was boring. I was like, I just thought that he just put on a great show of the sweet science. I mean, he outboxed Guerrero. It was. It was embarrassing for Guerrero and I like Guerrero, but I knew Guerrero was going to lose, you know, because, you know, he just stands toe to toe and kind of slugs it out where Mayweather just shaked and baked him all night. And the clean, sharp, quick, nice shots just right down the middle just kept popping him in the head. I just was like screaming with glee. I thought he was amazing. I like Canelo.

Adam Carolla (162:09)

I think Carnello, Anthony. No, that's Carmelo. He's a redhead. He's. He's the. He's the Latin guy with the redhead, right?

Rosie Perez (162:19)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like him. I like Danny Garcia. You don't know. He just. He just won a fight, a tough fight with Zab Judah at the Balkans.

Adam Carolla (162:28)

Oh, I Saw that. Yeah.

Rosie Perez (162:29)

Yeah, that was a good fight.

Adam Carolla (162:31)

Zab's a good name for boxer, though. He's getting a little bit old.

Rosie Perez (162:33)

Zab, Judah. Yeah. But you know what? He showed a lot of heart in the ring.

Adam Carolla (162:36)

He went, oh, he went 12 rounds.

Rosie Perez (162:37)

It was a great fight.

Adam Carolla (162:39)

I have somebody said to me, I hate when they do this. They said to me the other day, you watch a Mayweather fight? I said, no, no, I didn't see it. And they said, you want to know what went on? And I said, and I said, no. And he goes, the guy goes, okay, I won't spoil it for you. And then all of a sudden, I was thinking, the guy who's what, 40 0, 41 and oh, and I won't spoil it for you. He's fighting a guy who's named 44 and. Oh. Or maybe he's 43 and now he's 44. But. But I didn't know who he was fighting. He was 43 and oh. So the guy goes, I won't spoil it for you. And I was like, oh, my God, did he get. Was there an upset here? And then he goes, typical Mayweather fight.

Brian Bishop (163:16)

No, come on now.

Adam Carolla (163:17)

All right, so first off, he's 43 and oh. So obviously he then won because it was a typical Mayweather fighter. Typical Mayweather fight. And he wins every fight. And yeah, he's quick. He just has more quick reflex, sort of quick twitch muscle action than other guys do. And he shows a lot.

Allison Rosen (163:37)

Hey, his dad could have beaten him in his prime.

Adam Carolla (163:40)

Shows tons of angles, and he's just a better athlete than these guys are. These guys train hard and everything. He trains hard, but he's just a better athlete. He's sort of, you know, Roy Jones Jr. Was that way. And Sugar Ray Leonard, guys like Sugar Ray Robinson, if people really want to go back, was really the best. I mean, that guy would put on. I mean, that guy was a great dancer. Like, he would do. When he stopped boxing, he would just do, like, incredible. He did dancing, but he would. He would tour doing, like, the soft shoe and the whole nine yards. But he was. And he would skip the rope like he'd never seen. Like he was. I guess he gets his due amongst boxers, but people should really go back and look at how amazing the original Sugar Ray Robinson before his time was. Yeah, yeah. Well, before.

Rosie Perez (164:25)

Yes, very. Yes, very much so. Really was.

Adam Carolla (164:27)

All right, shall we do a little news?

Allison Rosen (164:30)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (164:30)

How about it, Rosie? You crack wise with us, sir. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it cut. It's Allison. Allison.

Allison Rosen (164:51)

All right, we have a ranking here of the top 10 cities with the worst traffic. Now, Adam, I don't know if people have already tweeted this to you.

Adam Carolla (164:58)

Yes, they have.

Allison Rosen (164:59)

Okay, so should I start with 10 or should we just say who got number one?

Adam Carolla (165:03)

I'll start with 10.

Allison Rosen (165:04)

All right. In 10th place, Boston. In ninth place, Washington, D.C. let me.

Adam Carolla (165:10)

Say this about Boston. Maybe it's shitty, but they're shit to look at. Here we're just looking at fucking graffiti and garbage and bums pushing shit and like shopping carts with no wheels.

Brian Bishop (165:20)

Don't spoil it for us. Maybe we're not number one.

Adam Carolla (165:23)

All right, at least Boston, you're looking at something with something historical significance.

Allison Rosen (165:28)

Well, number eight, Seattle.

Adam Carolla (165:30)

Another better thing to look at. There's Mount Rainier. Good.

Allison Rosen (165:34)

Number seven, San Jose.

Adam Carolla (165:36)

Yeah. Okay.

Allison Rosen (165:37)

Number six, Bridgeport. Five, New York.

Adam Carolla (165:41)

Again, like the. When you're in New York traffic, at.

Allison Rosen (165:45)

Least you're still in New York.

Adam Carolla (165:46)

Yeah, you're like in Times Square. Like.

Rosie Perez (165:49)

No, no, no, not always.

Adam Carolla (165:51)

No.

Rosie Perez (165:51)

I hate traffic. That's like my. It epitomizes hell for me. I just can't stand.

Adam Carolla (165:56)

Alright, but. I know. I agree with you, but when you're in New York and you're stuck in traffic, you're looking around at cool gothic buildings or some Victoria's secret model that's 700ft high. When you're stuck in LA traffic, you're just looking at super shitty stucco shit boxes along the side of the crappy freeway. Thank you.

Allison Rosen (166:17)

Coming in at number four, Austin. How do you feel about Austin?

Adam Carolla (166:22)

Good. Hipsters. Tired of everyone telling me how cool Austin is.

Allison Rosen (166:25)

Yeah, keep your traffic weird. Number three, San Francisco. Number two, Honolulu. And number one, Los Angeles.

Adam Carolla (166:32)

All right, how the fuck can Viragosa. Tony Velar. How the fuck can he be on the short list of transportation secretaries? Does anyone. Is this insane? Am I the only person? Like, you'd be doing this as a joke, right? Like, if you're Obama and you're like, we need a short list of people to head up transportation for this country of ours. How about we get the mayor of the worst city for traffic in possibly the world, but top five in the world, but number one in our country, we'll put him on the short list.

Allison Rosen (167:04)

It's crazy.

Adam Carolla (167:05)

It seems like a joke, right?

Allison Rosen (167:06)

In 2012, at peak hours traffic on 405 in LA moved at 14 miles an hour, adding 26 minutes to what should have been an eight minute ride.

Rosie Perez (167:15)

Oh, my God.

Adam Carolla (167:17)

Look, here's how you know what a piece of shit LA is and what idiots all the city, everyone in the city council is. They have one problem to try to solve, one major problem. The one thing that won't go away. I mean, listen, everything has. Every city's got crime, every city has education, every city has their host of problems that they have to deal with. You need clean water, you need electricity, all those things. But every city has that. There's one that's very unique to Los Angeles and that's traffic. And they have not fucking put a dent in it. It's gotten worse and worse and worse. I've lived here my entire life, it just gets worse every year. They can't fucking figure out a way to approach this problem. And the idea that we had Lieutenant Governor Gavin Newsom in here who's all fucking teeth whitener and brill cream, and that fucking asshole had no idea about if it steers, it clears in every other city. The idea that I had to bring that to his attention, that he'd never heard of moving your piece of shit off the side of the freeway if you get into a fender bender that made me almost physically ill. Do you.

Brian Bishop (168:22)

Think he really never heard of it or is he being argumentative?

Adam Carolla (168:24)

Because we weren't arguing at that point.

Brian Bishop (168:26)

That's so weird.

Adam Carolla (168:29)

That's how fucking out of it these guys are. That's how insanely out of it they are and how little they give a shit. They don't. Obviously. When you care about something, you know about something. Like if you said, look, traffic is a big issue for my constituency or for the people live in the biggest city in my state. It's a big issue and I really want to solve it. When they go, they go on these fucking tours all time. Where they go, where's the mayor? Oh, he's in China. He's touring factories to learn how manufacturing and distribution is done. If you gave a flying fuck, you would go.

Allison Rosen (169:03)

You would sit in our traffic.

Adam Carolla (169:04)

What's a city that moves? What's a city that does it right? What are you guys doing over there? And then someone would go, we have an awareness campaign. For instance, if your car overheats and it's because you weren't maintaining it correctly, you're going to get a $500 ticket. So ever since we implemented that, oh boy, everyone stopped overheating on the freeway. Because we implemented this. We had an awareness campaign that it was legal to turn right on a wreck. People didn't know about that. And then we ran this whole campaign. Now we're moving 18% faster, blah, blah, blah. If you gave a shit about this the way you give a shit, someone tweeted me yesterday that they got a fucking ticket in front of my house in Malibu for not having a front license plate on their car. If they gave a shit about moving people along, the same shit they give about raping everyone who pays their fucking taxes and has a checking account in this fucking city, we would solve this. I got a ticket in front of my house in Malibu for parking my wife's car, which had the dealer plate on the back but had no front license plate. I still got a ticket because the guy went and read the little registration thing, and it was past the two months where I should have put the stamped plates from the DMV on the back and I got a ticket in front of my.

Allison Rosen (170:16)

So you're not having your license plate.

Adam Carolla (170:18)

On the front license plate, yes. And by the way, here's the deal. It's my wife's fault for leaving the little fucking piece of paper stuck to the windshield. The inside of the windshield. Everyone, listen to me. Do me a favor. Favor. Do not put on a front license plate, leave the cardboard dealer plate on the back. I've told you that a million times. I went through my Audi four years. Four fucking years I had that thing. Never got a ticket for no front license plate because I had the cardboard one on the back. Pull off the paper, one that the dealer sticks on on the inside. Number two, turn through all red, turn arrows. Turn through them. When it's safe. Ignore them. You'll never get a ticket. Believe you me, you'll never get a fucking ticket. And we'll move the city along. But do they have an interest in moving it along? Abso fucking lutely not. Absolutely not. Or they would do something about it. You can tell the shit they're interested in. They're interested in certain things. They're not interested in the traffic part, even though we're number one. And the idea that Viragosa would get on that fucking list is insane. Like, it's like you do for a joke. Like if you did the Presidential Fitness Council, John Goodman. It's a joke, right?

Allison Rosen (171:23)

Yeah, it's like a roast joke. Okay, Rosie, which do you hate more, traffic in New York or traffic in la, Louisiana.

Adam Carolla (171:29)

Hands down, yes. Less to look at.

Rosie Perez (171:33)

Not only less to look at. But it just seems that people here, like you said, it's a car culture city. You know, it's all about the cars and the freeways and everything. And people don't know how to drive well. And it drives me crazy.

Adam Carolla (171:48)

They we drove Max, Chris, Max Pata. I don't want to freak out the dog, but maybe if we just put him through the glass here. We drove speak and soothing towns place. We drove home from Merced a week and a whatever ago. We literally drove 300 miles there and 300 miles back. And when we're driving home, I do what I tell everyone to do. Get a rape dar detector. Get a radar detector. It's to stop you from being raped by the government. I have a car That's. Especially at 2am when we're driving home from Merced on the 5. It's perfectly safe at 85 or 90 miles an hour. But I don't want the chicken shit ticket. So I have a radar detector. It works quite nicely because these fucking pussies just sit and wait. But when we were driving home, we were in the left lane and we were doing 85 the entire time. Because at that hour, the difference between getting from Merced, California back to LA, it can be an hour and 15 minutes difference between going 55 or 60 and doing 85 or 90. And I want to fucking get home before 3am we got home at like 3:10, but we were in the left lane the entire time doing 85. We would come up on people that were doing 61 in the left lane with no one else on the freeway. Mike would shoot them, the high beams as we were coming up on him. They wouldn't fucking budge. They were in that left lane and you're getting hit.

Allison Rosen (173:19)

Do you even know what the high beams mean anymore?

Rosie Perez (173:22)

Nobody knows what the high beams mean.

Adam Carolla (173:24)

I don't know. It's fucking 1am and you see something coming by behind you and you got xenon headlights and we're shooting high beams and we're in the middle of the desert and it's not like, oh look at that big neon sign of that cowboy smoking or anything. It's just nothing but dark highway. And your mirrors have to be going off like fucking pinball machines because you. And you know what? No can do. Not moving. And then when we would pass them, they would give us a dirty look. Like we would pass them and they'd give the. What the fuck? What the fuck. We're in the middle of the desert. It's 2:00am what the fuck's wrong with you? I want to get the fuck home. Jesus Christ. We could raise the speed limit. Look, we could do again if they were interested. Speed limit could be raised to 85 on weekends or evenings or times when it was safe. How about just the fact? How about just this? I've said it a million times, speed limit 65. But if you're driving in a fog bank and it's hailing outside and there's black ice on the freeway and you're doing. Or on the highway where it would be and you're doing 65, you can get a ticket because they're going. You're driving too fast for the conditions. Well, how about when there's nobody on the freeway and you have a car that's capable of going 170 miles an hour, then is 85 too fast? How about we just do a floating thing where the officer will decide, depending on the conditions, the time, the date, the vehicle you're driving, whether you're going too fast.

Allison Rosen (174:51)

You think they won't raise it because they don't? Because they want to keep it artificially low to make money or because it's just not a priority so their focus is elsewhere?

Adam Carolla (174:59)

They're going to cut off a huge generating resource. They have assholes from high school, the guys who played on the football team in high school, they're making $71,000 a year. They're parked in the Crown Vicks and they're parked backed up against it, by the way. Safety. My fucking cock and balls, you pussies. You're talking about safety. You're fucking pulled off on the side of the highway. There's nothing more dangerous than being five feet off a highway. And you're tucked in in a blind spot too. They're dotted all the way down. They don't give a fuck about safety. They're trying to make money.

Dave Damashek (175:31)

No.

Adam Carolla (175:31)

And their lights are off so you.

Allison Rosen (175:33)

Can'T even see them.

Adam Carolla (175:33)

Yeah, and it's just one speed trap after the next. And again, when you're driving a modern car and you're on an empty highway, 75 miles an hour, feels like nothing. Alright? So if they're interested, they would do something. They're not interested. They're interested in making money. That's what they're interested in. We get it, understand? But there needs to be a revolt there. Everyone get a fucking radar detector. One ticket is what a radar detector costs. One fucking speeding ticket is what a radar detector costs. Go get one. Put it on your dash. It'll tell you where the Pussies are hiding. That's it. It'll point forward when they're forward when you pass them. It'll point pussy ass backwards for when you pass the pussies. And then you slow down, then you speed up again. That's how it works.

Rosie Perez (176:20)

Have you been in New York lately?

Adam Carolla (176:22)

No.

Rosie Perez (176:23)

Bloomberg has messed up the traffic. In my opinion, he did it on purpose to justify congestion pricing.

Adam Carolla (176:32)

Ooh, yeah, let's hear it.

Rosie Perez (176:33)

And what he did was he's, you know, he said he was going. Wanted the city to go green, which is never going to happen. And because it snows, you're not going to ride your freaking bicycle over the Brooklyn Bridge because you're green when it's zero below and there's, you know, and there's snow and everywhere. And there's no plows to plow the bike lanes on the bridges.

Adam Carolla (177:00)

Right.

Rosie Perez (177:00)

And it's elitist too, because he's a maha in and he says, well, you could take the train. Yeah, I'll take the train every day, Mr. Mayor. If I have Secret Service with me too, sure. I'm not going to get on the freaking subway. And I have somebody from East New York.

Adam Carolla (177:14)

Yo, Rosie.

Rosie Perez (177:15)

No, it's not going to happen. So I'm going to drive. I'm going to drive into the city. And what he had did was he put bike lanes that are so wide, like three bicycles could go down at a time.

Adam Carolla (177:27)

I've walked the bridge and everyone's. By the way, listen, remember when guys on bikes were losers? Now they're fucking heroes. Like, they're just coming down. God forbid you walk and strain. Excuse you. Coming through. Like, all right. Fucking superheroes got a fucking Schwinn.

Rosie Perez (177:43)

Well, first of all, they have to obey the traffic laws the same. And they don't. They're so pompous and arrogant about it. It's like, I'm right with you.

Adam Carolla (177:53)

I'm like, shut the Kevin Bacon from Quicksilver. Fuck you. It's a good 80s movie. But you know what I'm saying?

Rosie Perez (178:01)

I mean, I'll ride my bike if, you know, if it warrants riding a bicycle. Like, if I'm gonna go to the market and. Or if I'm gonna go to a friend's house, I'm gonna ride my bike. But if it's in the winter, I'm not riding my bike. I'm sorry, I'm not gonna ride my bike. And if you live in the Attleboroughs, you need a car because it's not, you know, people think New York. Oh, you could walk down the street to go to the supermarket. No, if you're in Brooklyn and you walk down the street, you're. You're going to a bodega. You can't, you know, really shop. And so you have to drive. Because if you don't drive to a decent market, you got to go to the ghetto markets. And they're really bad.

Adam Carolla (178:37)

You know, they have like pigs feet and stuff, buy stuff. You ever go to a ghetto market, you're like, what, what are they? They don't eat that, do they? That's just for display. And then someone asshole tells you, oh, that's the best part. It's like, don't tell me the bacon's the best part of the pig, not the fucking feet. Yeah, I don't eat pig cuticles. Thank you. Yeah, yeah.

Rosie Perez (178:56)

Well, you know, if you go into a Latin market, sometimes they have the tongue.

Adam Carolla (179:00)

Oh, yeah, no, Jews do that too.

Allison Rosen (179:03)

Have you ever had tongue? I've never had tongue.

Adam Carolla (179:05)

Oh, my grandpa, he was a old school Hungarian Jew, used to make the beef tongue. Yeah, they love it. Love it. They make it like pot roast.

Allison Rosen (179:15)

It's like making out with your meat.

Adam Carolla (179:17)

It's weird because the taste buds and everything around there, it's actually good, but it's too weird.

Brian Bishop (179:23)

Tongue's weird. But you know what's great and right next to the tongue is beef cheeks. Beef cheeks are goddamn delicious. They're like the shredded.

Allison Rosen (179:30)

Don't need anything in the face.

Adam Carolla (179:31)

Beef cheeks. I don't. Let me say something. See, let me tell you what whitey does. Whitey pretends like it's not even an animal. You know, we just go, oh, oh, it's calf or it's pork or, you know, veal. We don't give it. We don't give it names. You go to the Mexican butcher and there's pictures of cows with an ax chasing a pig around wearing a top hat and like a monocle. It's like, hello. I don't want to look at it as something. I want to look at as just this thing.

Rosie Perez (180:02)

Is that true?

Adam Carolla (180:03)

Oh, my God. You go to the Mexican butcher. There's a great. There's a Mexican butcher. It's out here. I think it's out in Burbank. It's on one of the streets. It's Glendale, Burbank. The front of the place. Let's see. Mexican butcher, Glendale, Burbank. It's probably on Pass or on Victory or one of these streets, Magnolia or something like. It's one of the Ones that lead here. And every time I pass it, it's like, Mr. Pig's wearing a top hat.

Dave Damashek (180:37)

It's a formal point.

Adam Carolla (180:38)

It's fine dining. This chicken's, like, sharpening her axe, you know? And it's like, I don't want them to be humans for the Animal Farm. Yeah. I just want to see it in the rump roast, you know, I don't.

Allison Rosen (180:50)

Want to think about the animal that it was.

Adam Carolla (180:52)

No, I don't like it. Like when they put the head of the animal next to it. Like, in case you didn't know, this. This is Bessie. That's her. That's what she used to look like when she was walking this earth. And then we cut her head off and then know. You going to devour her and shit her out. Yeah.

Rosie Perez (181:07)

You know Tom Coliculo? Is that how you say his name?

Brian Bishop (181:10)

Colicchio.

Rosie Perez (181:11)

Thank you. Yeah, from.

Adam Carolla (181:14)

Say it again. I want to hear you say that name.

Rosie Perez (181:18)

No, well, how you say it. Okay, whatever. So he, you know, called and asked if I would go fly fishing with him in Miami or marlin fishing or something.

Adam Carolla (181:35)

He wants sex.

Rosie Perez (181:39)

I'm not his type.

Adam Carolla (181:40)

Well, I'm just saying. I know code for sex.

Rosie Perez (181:44)

All right, okay. Anyway, so I said no. And he goes, why? He goes, you don't eat fish. I said, I eat fish, but I don't want to, like, watch you hook a fish and see it suffer and try to get away, and then the hook comes out and then it's flapping on the deck. No, why would I do that?

Adam Carolla (182:00)

And the douchiest move of all is the catch and release. Because, like, you hook them, you pull them in, you deprive them of oxygen. Basically you pull them out. Then you take needle nose pliers and then all this, and then you throw them back. Like, if I'm the fish, I'm pissed that I'm not being fried up at that point. Like, this is douche your imagination.

Allison Rosen (182:18)

Now you're just torturing me.

Adam Carolla (182:19)

You're just walking down the street and all of a sudden your nostril got hooked or something. Some guy pulled you up and then all sudden you couldn't breathe. And then they just threw you back into the mall. You'd be like, for what?

Allison Rosen (182:29)

Not even the. My bad hand.

Adam Carolla (182:31)

And it's like for fun. But it's like fun sport. Like, how fucking fun is this? Torturing fish?

Rosie Perez (182:37)

Yeah. I mean, I would go to his restaurant and eat it because he's a great cook, but I just don't want to see it.

Brian Bishop (182:43)

Whose Restaurant.

Mark Marin (182:47)

All right.

Adam Carolla (182:47)

What happened to that? Let's do a little news. Let's.

Allison Rosen (182:50)

Well, Cops, the TV show Cops is leaving Fox after 25 years and it will be on the Spike Network starting September. And my reaction was. I didn't even know Cops was still on.

Adam Carolla (183:02)

I didn't know it was. Well, they're fairly. Well, first off, here's the thing. It's pretty timeless in terms of the fashion. It's not like you go, that's an 80s cop. Because that guy's got a fade and he's wearing. He's. He's wearing those big parachute pants. The cops, kind of the troopers are always just wearing the trooper outfit.

Allison Rosen (183:23)

Oh, yeah.

Adam Carolla (183:23)

And they got the same haircut. And then the perps are always wearing the fucking pajama bottoms and white beard. Yeah. And like I said, the storylines are as old as time itself. They're Shakespearean, you know, so there's no time stamp on anyone. It's like, all right, listen, your wife says that you hit overhead with a lamp and you don't go, oh, that's from 2001. Yeah.

Allison Rosen (183:47)

Hit her over the head with a Nagel.

Adam Carolla (183:48)

Right.

Rosie Perez (183:49)

Did you see the episode where this woman, they caught her in the act of. She's running down the street. She was like, huge, this white woman. Huge. And, you know, like, people who are huge, they don't care sometimes and they'll just wear whatever. So she had like this belly shirt and so her fat was like.

Adam Carolla (184:09)

It's more insane.

Rosie Perez (184:11)

And she had shorts on. And she's running with this butcher knife chasing somebody who stabbed someone in her family. So she's running after and she trips in the parking light and falls on her knife. Oh, yeah, but she had so much there. She was all right.

Adam Carolla (184:29)

So much skin.

Rosie Perez (184:30)

Yeah, yeah, it was horrible. And I was like, why am I watching this? My relatives were over, you know, one of those days.

Allison Rosen (184:38)

Some people do really like the show. I don't.

Rosie Perez (184:42)

I don't.

Adam Carolla (184:43)

You know, it's schadenfreude. It's that thing where it's like, oh, boy, could my life could never get worse than this person's. I am constantly amazed at the people who continue the assault while the cops are there. Like when the cops separate the man and the woman who are duking it out, or the two chicks that were fighting, it's kind of a two chick move. They separate the two chicks and they start talking for a second. And at some point, one of the chicks will jump up, try to go over the cop's shoulder and get one more, Lee. Press on into that cunt's cornea. She just times it. Well, yeah, they time it pretty good. It's like this is what you do when the cops are here, this cops are present. You understand that at a certain point, I know people are more animal than human being at a certain point. If you're going to try to duke it out while the cops are physically.

Allison Rosen (185:34)

There, what's the best that could happen?

Adam Carolla (185:37)

It's the weirdest thing in the world when they keep trying to get. They try to squeeze in that last shot. And it's at that point when you realize you're dealing with the reptilian brain, because they are at that point. And also when the cops draw down on them and they keep walking at them and they're just screaming. The cops are like, get down. Get down on your belly right now for me. Okay? Right now. And they're like. Like what I do. And they're just waving their arms and whining like, you're gonna get fucking shot.

Allison Rosen (186:03)

See, I got into a. It turned into a disagreement actually a while ago with Daniel. Because I was saying that I think that men can flip into the reptilian brain quicker than women.

Adam Carolla (186:14)

No.

Allison Rosen (186:15)

Yeah. He disagreed also.

Adam Carolla (186:17)

Well, I'll tell you this. Women fiance Daniel, by the way. Yes. I'll tell you the difference between men and women.

Allison Rosen (186:26)

I didn't say it because I don't want to be that person like my fiance Daniel. Every fourth word.

Adam Carolla (186:30)

No, but just for Rosie and the dog. I'll tell you the difference between men and women. If my wife steps on my foot and it's inadvertent, and her heel, her sharp heel goes into the top of my tennis shoe, I will not smack her. Her just reflexively great self control. Thank you. Even though she's asking for it. Women, if you step on their foot, you'll get a quick whack. Like it's a mother and a child thing. You'll get that handle come flying up, you'll whack person. You won't think about it and you won't even necessarily be angry. It's like I'm feeling pain on my foot whack. Like a guy won't whack a chick who steps on their foot. They'll be like, hey, you screwed up. Or guy on guy take too. Women have a reflex of a hand and it's not a fist.

Allison Rosen (187:18)

Do you think that men actually have to control their impulses more because they're stronger? Like how a big dog has to be usually More in control than a little dog.

Adam Carolla (187:28)

A woman can freak out on a guy and start running at him and swinging at him, and guys can't do that to women, or at least shouldn't in a perfect world, you know, so guys, because of our size and strength, have to kind of. Of sit on it a little bit, versus women who don't need to do that. So I don't know. And listen, they're all bad once that switch gets flipped to the reptilian brain in front of the cops. But I do believe. Well, first off, I feel the same way about women as I do about birds, which is, if birds were bigger than us, we'd all be dead. We'd all be dead. I believe if women have 50. If women had £50 on us, it's be kicking the shit. Like, Lynette would be beating the fuck out of me on a nightly basis. Like, I'd be cowering every time she combed her hair. Like she just reached back.

Rosie Perez (188:20)

I want to meet this woman. You know, I did some charity work at a woman's prison, a college course, to help women, you know, And I was talking to some of the COs there and. And all the male COs were completely stressed out, and they all wanted to get transferred and the women cos to a male facility. And I was like, why? And they said, well, you know, in a men's prison, you have the danger of them stabbing you, shanking you, punching you, but it's over. And they said, in a women's prison, they torture you mentally and emotionally. They will break you down because they have nowhere to go. And they will play mind games with you to the point where you're driving home in your car crying, saying, why do I do this? Why am I here? I should have paid attention in school. And I was like, that is so fascinating. They said, women are just smarter.

Adam Carolla (189:25)

Well, if you do the. You know, you do the math on, you know, if the average woman was 50 pounds heavier and 6 inches taller, how much abuse would there be? The other direction, that's that sort of thing where you go. It's like, we have this as a country where everyone's like, oh, you guys, you guys, you guys. But, yeah, we have a pretty good military. We don't try to take over Canada. We don't try to take over Mexico. It'd be nice. They have some natural resources that we could use. But if you do think when most countries get a military that could crush their neighbors, they start crushing them pretty quickly. It's sort of like the celebrities where people accuse them of turning into assholes. Like when you get rich and you start traveling by helicopter and everybody you went to high school with is calling you, asking you to borrow money, you do kind of turn into a dick. And it's easy to sit around. All I'm saying is it's easy to sit around and go, oh, I would never do that until you do it. I'm wondering if we took women and gave an extra $50.

Allison Rosen (190:28)

Oh, I'm totally capable of domestic abuse. That's what you're saying, right?

Adam Carolla (190:31)

I'm just saying I don't like. Let's put it this way. What do you think the percentages would be? You know, I mean, right now, one out of every, you know, X amount of households, there's domestic abuse, male on female. What would that number be? If you swapped around the size schedule.

Allison Rosen (190:50)

Then we would switch what we define, I think, as domestic violence. Because probably there are, you know, know, small women who are physical, but it doesn't get reported, or people think it doesn't really count.

Adam Carolla (191:01)

And a lot of conversations like this would happen between me and Brian, hey, guess what?

Brian Bishop (191:05)

What was that?

Adam Carolla (191:05)

Guess. We got raped last night. Oh, my God. Up top. Thank you.

Rosie Perez (191:10)

I don't know about that. I don't know.

Adam Carolla (191:13)

Yeah, no, it didn't mean no up top. It did not mean no. It did not. Yep. Yeah, buddy.

Rosie Perez (191:18)

I think women are better politicians, so I don't know about that.

Adam Carolla (191:21)

I think there'd be a lot of raping going on. No, a lot of. A lot of black eyes. That'd be a lot of that going on. All right, let's bring it up.

Allison Rosen (191:32)

Allison Rosen. Tippett Khan's. My fiance, Daniel.

Mark Marin (191:37)

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

Adam Carolla (191:40)

Ah, good times, everybody. Ah, Mother's Day. Yeah, see, that'd be a whole different celebration for you guys. 50 pounds heavier than us. Like that woman who fell on the knife. Mother's Day this Sunday. Let's do it. Let's step up. Step up to the berries, baby. Sherry's berries. Starting at only $19.99. That's a 40% savings. Or you can go ahead and double the amount for just 10 bucks more. So you double it, but only charge you a quarter of the price. Love it. Sherry's berries. Beautiful, Delectable scrum. Delicious, juicy, chocolate covered, beautiful, beautiful strawberries again. Rolled nuts. Rolled in chocolate chips. Decadent. Unbelievable. B e r r I-e s.com go to berries.com click on the microphone in the top right corner and enter Ace you get the deal. But let's go, people. Mother's Day right around the corner. Barry's hit ace in the top right hand corner. All right, I want to thank Dave Damaschek for coming in here. Davedamashek.NFL.com Rosie Perez, of course. Where should people go? Should they go online? Where should we go? Let's see the broad stage that's coming up June 22nd. Ah, tickets. Urbanarts.ticks.com all right, that's all you need to do and you can get tickets. And it's going to a very worthy cause. Yes, and tax deductible, I imagine.

Rosie Perez (193:17)

Absolutely.

Adam Carolla (193:18)

The great Rosie Perez. So until next time, this is Adam Kroloh for Dave Danishek. Rosie Perez, Allison Rosenbal, Brian Saiyan. Mahalo. Yo, Rosie.

Brian Bishop (193:35)

All right, that's adam Cole show 1072.

Adam Carolla (193:36)

You'Re Rosie that is raised cool classics. Until tomorrow and get it on. Hey, fans of freedom and open discussion. I'm heading over to Substack and there's an ad free audio and video version of the Adam Corolla show that's going to be waiting there in the near future. You'll even be able to watch ACS live unedited as we record it. Participate in the show show via live chat. That'll be coming up very soon. You also get an ad free version of The Adam Corland Dr. Drew Show. You also get an exclusive to my new podcast, Beat it out, where I share unpolished ideas with my comedian buddies. The first series of episodes is going to be Jay Moore. You'll get all this and more for the low, low price of nine bucks a month. A picture pittance for all we're going to bring. You subscribe now@adamcarolla.com substack and I'll see all of you in our new speakeasy called Substack. Not great with finances.

Allison Rosen (195:06)

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Adam Carolla (195:12)

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Rosie Perez (195:15)

Applying for no ding.

Adam Carolla (195:15)

Declined cards won't hurt your credit scores if you aren't initially approved.

Allison Rosen (195:17)

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