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- [00:01]
Allison Rosen
Audible's Romance Collection has something to satisfy every side of you when it comes to what kind of romance you're into. You don't have to choose just one fancy a dalliance with a duke or maybe a steamy billionaire. You could find a book boyfriend in the city and another one tearing it up on the hockey field. And if nothing on this earth satisfies, you can always find love in another realm. Discover modern rom coms from authors like Lily Chu and Ali Hazelwood, the latest Romantasy series from Sarah J. Maas and Rebecca Yarros, plus Regency favorites like Bridgerton and Outlander, and of course, all the really steamy stuff. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30 day trial at audible.com wondery that's audible.com wondery.
- [00:54]
Adam Carolla
Welcome to cruel Classics. I'm your host, super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights and fans selected clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics available exclusively through Podcast One Premium. You can find the ad free archives for this entire program. If you'd like to access the ad free archives of the Adam Carolla show or the Adam and Dr. Drew show or you want to hear the brand new podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out adam carollo substack adamcorla.substack.com if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcorla.com all right, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Kolla show 642 the sky, the Fisk, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop from 2011. Welcome back everybody. Good to be back from vacation. Good to see you, Bald Brian. Hey man, where's the party? Good to see you, Allison Rosen.
- [01:41]
Allison Rosen
Good to see you too. It's so good to be back because I kept having dreams about all of you while I was gone.
- [01:47]
Brian Bishop
Erotic dreams.
- [01:48]
Allison Rosen
You are in them.
- [01:49]
Adam Carolla
So no, I have many things to speak about. I don't know where to start because we had two vacations. We had this sort of semi working Monterey race car weekend vacation. Cool. Did the Rolex Historic races in Monterey Laguna Seca and came home with the Rolex Cup. The coveted Rolex Cup. As you can see, although I was not there for the award celebration or ceremony, I was on my way home. But I found out posthumously, if you will, it's very hefty. I know that's not the right use of that. Yeah, could be used as an urn yes, hello, my name is Graham Weller. Yeah, an actual cup. It's so much better than those plastic gold trophies that they give, you know, the weird person.
- [02:33]
Brian Bishop
The Rolex competition. Rich man. Rich man.
- [02:36]
Adam Carolla
It is the widest I know. And I heard in the news today a guy got busted for a second time for trying to steal a rack of ribs by shoving it down his pants. And I thought, definitely not a Jew. But the Rolex cup, that's about the widest thing you can win. So, had fun at Laguna Seca? Kick some ass in my old bre race car. And many stories to tell about that, of course. But I will focus on the second vacation, the family vacation. I know how everyone loves when I complain about flying first class and the first class experience.
- [03:10]
Allison Rosen
I can't get enough of it.
- [03:11]
Adam Carolla
First, let me say this.
- [03:13]
Allison Rosen
I wonder where this one's going to go.
- [03:14]
Adam Carolla
Please, please, please help me. Please help me understand. I want everyone to help me understand. I. As a matter of fact, I got to get my wallet out to show you the car.
- [03:26]
Allison Rosen
How rich you are.
- [03:27]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Cover for me for one second. I think I told you.
- [03:29]
Brian Bishop
Is this the wallet with the orange stripe?
- [03:31]
Adam Carolla
Yes.
- [03:31]
Brian Bishop
Oh, that to look forward to.
- [03:33]
Adam Carolla
Well, yeah, you have that. Which, by the way, my wife painted a lovely portrait. She said, she looked at this wallet, which is very tattered now. It's got a lot of miles on it. She said, my God, that wallet's a mess. It's all worn out. Look at it. You need new wallet. And I said, you want to know why it's all worn out? You want to know why I need a new wallet? Because it's old. And you want to know why I got to sit and watch it grow old? Because I painted it red. Six years ago, Nay had my assistant paint it red. And that's why it's old. Because normally my wallets don't wear out because I lose them every 18 to 21 months, right? And they never really get a chance. It's like. It's like if a kid got killed every. Somewhere around his fifth birthday, never really getting those crow's feet, you know what I mean? This wallet has crow's feet because I painted. Nay. Assistant painted it red. Mm. Point is this. There's two cards you get that basically are supposed to get you into any of these captain's lounges or whatever. And let me explain something. There is. I know you guys have heard me do this, but I'm doing it again. There's two kind of lounges. The first. First class lounge. There's the ones that are sort of, hey, man, they got the vibrating seats and the free booze and the good looking chicks. And then there are the other ones that are sort of cafeteria style. They're a little. Shaped a little more like an Ikea cafeteria that you get to sit in. They're more of a worker's lounge than they are a highfalutin lounge. Yeah, there's two lounges. There's one lounge of, hey, you don't have to sit at that McDonald's or that Arby's on the dirty bench over there. You'll get to sit on a chair that's got a little padding in it. And then there's another one where you're gonna recline and someone is gonna read the Wall Street Journal to you while you sit in your Fonduzzi.
- [05:22]
Allison Rosen
I want to be in that one.
- [05:24]
Adam Carolla
All right.
- [05:25]
Brian Bishop
I know in some of these you can buy your. Anyone can buy their way in.
- [05:28]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, they have that bullshit like 50 day, 50 buck a day, day pass. Which is always sort of bullshit because it's 8:05 and my flight's leaving at 8:35 and I'm not, I don't want to spend 50 bucks for the 14 minutes I'm gonna, I'm gonna spend here. So it was one of these things where first class. First class, though. Why? Wife's got the kids, first flight, all that kind of stuff. She gives the. I'm going ahead, I'm getting these kids situated. I'm. And I give her the, knock yourself out. I ain't stupid. I'm not sitting on this plane, as I've said, for an extra 40 minutes and watching everyone else bang my shin with their Samsonite. And again, if it was a bus ride to, yes, Hawaii. If it was a bus ride to Chicago and someone said, hey, you paid 10 times as much for your ticket. You get to get on the bus first. And wait till everyone else climbs on the bus. Wouldn't you go, fuck you. I'm gonna be smoking over by the vending machines. Come get me when the bus is full.
- [06:23]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, I'd say come get me when you have started going, and I'll just jump on.
- [06:27]
Adam Carolla
And there's two kinds of first class. There's the first class where you walk in the door and you turn left. That's the good first class. And then there's the kind of first class where you walk in the door and you turn right. That's the bad first class. That means you're essentially flying business class. There's no, what you want to do is fly in a first class with three classes. You see, here's what you need to know. Here's what you need to know. There's small, medium and large. But what they've essentially done is when they get rid of the large, which is the real first class class, you just fly business and they call it first class. The seats don't. Aren't the same. Nothing's the same. It's like two classes is business and coach, but they call business first class. If they have three classes and you're.
- [07:13]
Allison Rosen
First class, then you're really going to be blown by a flight attendant.
- [07:15]
Adam Carolla
You're doing good, right?
- [07:17]
Brian Bishop
In my very limited experience, the first class, you turn left. You're absolutely right. That's the first. First class you're turning right is more of a roll of the dice. You might get the nice shares, but you're just as likely to get slightly off.
- [07:27]
Allison Rosen
And everyone else is gonna pass you.
- [07:29]
Adam Carolla
And you get on first while everyone else walks past you and goes, hey, man, show. Sorry, didn't work out. And so my thing is, I'm going to go sit in the.
- [07:38]
Brian Bishop
Everyone says that.
- [07:39]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. I'm going to go sit in the first class lounge until, you know, five minutes before the plane leaves. Then I'll waltz on the plane with a nice buzz and plop down and that'll pass out before we take off. So I do the. All right, I'm going in the United first class lounge. And again, this isn't the Captain's nest. This ground floor cafeteria holds 400 people. You get a couple stale Triscuits kind of thing, right? First thing I show them is this thing. I don't know what it is, but it's the priority pass. And it works on just about every one of these things. Yes. Second thing I show them is this thing, the black American Express card, right? I get. So I get the now with the priority pass, then I get the no with the black card. And then I go, all right, well, now here's my first class ticket to Hawaii. And they go, no.
- [08:33]
Allison Rosen
Well, what the fuck did you need?
- [08:36]
Adam Carolla
I got a first class ticket on your airline to Hawaii. Sir, we only do first class internationally. This is. This is the part that's been driving me insane for a million years. And by the way, you know how I never stop complaining about things, Dawson, and eventually they come to fruition. I've been saying for fucking years, if you live in New York and you're flying to England, it's a six hour, 3,000 mile flight, right? If you live in LA and you're flying to New York, it's a six hour 3,000 mile flight. What the fuck is the difference? So you can fly, by the way, you can fly to parts of Canada from New York that take you 18 minutes, right? But it's international. They only aren't international. So for years I've been saying to the guys at United States, I am flying to New York, I'm flying 3,000 miles, why can't I sit? It's only international. I know, but it's the same price and the same distance. It's a guy from New York who's flying to France.
- [09:32]
Allison Rosen
You have to take it up with the un.
- [09:33]
Adam Carolla
So eventually they said, now by the way, they have amended their deal which is we only accept first class tickets if they're going internationally and or to New York. And I said great, but I'm going to Hawaii. And it's the same fucking distance as New York. It's 2500 miles or 20. It's like 25 versus 27. You could walk the rest of the way. It's the same distance, it's the same price, it's the same time spent on the plane. It's the same fuel spent on the plane. How about, I mean, I understand their deal is. Look, we don't want any scammers coming in here with a round trip ticket from LAX to John Wayne Airport and drinking 80 bucks worth of our high end booze. I understand you don't want those kind of grifters in there. So fine, cut out the folks who are going to Phoenix and cut out the folks that are going to Seattle. But as long as you're clearing 2,000 miles, if you're flying to Chicago, if you're flying to Hawaii, if you're flying to New York and you have a first class ticket, let them have $11 worth of boxed wine. And when I say $11, I mean 40 glasses of the wine that they're serving up. You know what I'm saying?
- [10:54]
Brian Bishop
Plus, isn't it penny wise and pound foolish, don't you want to keep the guy with the first class ticket and the black card happy so he'll keep coming back to your airline and buying four first class tickets.
- [11:03]
Adam Carolla
There is a thing, there is a thing where, you know what I'm talking about, where the guy behind the counter gets on the no rol, it's Tim Gunn's younger gayer brother behind the counter who's just doing the. You start holding up the one card. Sorry, sir. I don't accept. And then you start the sir. And then as you're reaching for the third, they're shaking their head, we don't accept. And it's like, why you. I know you're on a roll with the head shake and the brow raise and why I know you've decided I cannot come into your cafeteria style with the little cheese things that are built into the cellophane, with the stale cracker where I fuck up the cheese trying to tear into a cheese.
- [11:42]
Allison Rosen
Oh, my tiny red.
- [11:43]
Adam Carolla
Yes, yes, I know you don't want me in your establishment. And you've already sort of emotionally come to grips with that, you know that like where you just shake, right? For some reason and I. It drives me nuts. Like where the person starts going, no, we know. No, they never go, oh yeah, you can. Then it's always like, no, they're not. So once they get on their no role. But then. So I said to him, look, by the way, it's 8:05, my plane leaves. I got aboard in 16 minutes. How about it? And I said, really? I got a first class ticket to Y. And he said, sir, we only let the first class pass. You're on with first class ticket on international flights. And I said, what country's New York in? And he went, well, and then he gave the fuck you. Yeah, he started to like, what? What do you mean? What country's New York in? Because I came as fuck you with your international flight bullshit. What? What am I fucking nuts with this? Am I nuts? Can you deputize these assholes to go? Look, if they have a fucking ticket, that's just as far as the one place you've decided. And by the way, I would argue that emotionally Hawaii is further.
- [13:01]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, it definitely is because there's that island fever.
- [13:03]
Adam Carolla
There's nothing but, nothing but pacific between us and them.
- [13:07]
Brian Bishop
It's like when a record skip, you gotta like bump them out of their no groove, you know what I mean? What about this part? No, more like you gotta say something like, well, the Hitler was a bad guy, wasn't he?
- [13:17]
Adam Carolla
Right, Yeah. I mean, right, so you get the. No, you get the. No, no, no. So again, first class.
- [13:24]
Allison Rosen
Or squirt him with a water bottle.
- [13:26]
Adam Carolla
Thanks, thanks. United. Appreciate that. And again, way to stick to your guns. You would have. It would have been me having a Michelob Ultra and sitting there for 12 minutes and then leaving. Why can't you have that? Yes. Yeah. Why can you have a guy bought four first class tickets getting involved with this nonsense?
- [13:41]
Allison Rosen
So you Got on the planet again.
- [13:42]
Adam Carolla
What's with the fucking stipulations? What would be the harm in you buy a first class ticket anywhere you can go sit in our shitty lounge.
- [13:50]
Brian Bishop
Yeah, because even the short round range first class tickets are still several hundred.
- [13:54]
Allison Rosen
Dollars and you're still rich or important.
- [13:57]
Adam Carolla
And several hundred and at least three to five times as much as the coach ticket easily. If the coach ticket is 78 bucks, then this is 375. Whatever it is, let them fucking take a load off.
- [14:09]
Allison Rosen
Well, so what is the worst case scenario? In their tiny pea brain? They let you in and then everyone wants to come in. Who has a first class ticket?
- [14:19]
Adam Carolla
I don't know. I must say that these guys, I get recognized quite often. I don't know if it's my nasally drone or what it is. I have never been recognized at one of these. The person just sits behind the counter, blank stare and goes. And I literally pull out three. You know, I got the get on. I got the priority pass, I got the black card. I got the first class ticket. No, no. Strike three. See you later.
- [14:49]
Brian Bishop
But what is the priority pass? What is that?
- [14:51]
Adam Carolla
It's something that you get from the black card people, which essentially gets you into all these lounges, although not these fly by night places like United. So again, I don't know what the fucking. I don't know what the policy is, but just first class ticket good enough for your shitty lounge. Okay, Number one, number two, then this one. And this is the one that always drives me nuts. I then get onto the plane and I do the. I'll take a Bloody Mary as I'm going to sit down. Water or orange juice, sir? And I go, all right in first class. Oh, first, fuck. Hell to the S. And then. But here's, here's what I love. Here's what I love about our society. The waitress, sorry, the flight attendant who's working our aisle, big fan of the podcast.
- [15:38]
Allison Rosen
Oh.
- [15:39]
Adam Carolla
Comes up to me and says, hey, big fan of the podcast. And I said, hey, I'm a big fan of Bloody Mary's. And she goes, hold on. And she comes right back with the Bloody Mary. Now this anarchy breakout. That's the whole thing. I was laughing with Kevin Hench today about this. So he said, so when she handed you the Bloody Mary while you were still sitting on the ground, did the whole place erupt? And I said, yeah, it's a good thing they had that pilot's cockpit door reinforced. No, nobody gave a shit. She handed me a Bloody Mary. I drank My Bloody Mary. The other people in first class just sat there. Nobody seemed to notice. Nobody asked for a Bloody Mary. No one asked her, hey, how come I don't get a Bloody Mary and he gets a Bloody Mary? No, she just handed me a Bloody Mary. Took her all of 80 seconds. And that was that. Because. And here's what I say, and I know. Just listen.
- [16:29]
Allison Rosen
We're not going anywhere, all right?
- [16:32]
Adam Carolla
Please dig this. You get on the plane first, right? Right. They don't hand out the drinks until you get to your cruising altitude. They don't do it on the ground anymore. They do it in the air at the cruising altitude. When you say, I'll have a Bloody Mary, they say, when we reach our cruising altitude, I'll give you a Bloody Mary. They're nice about it. Now, you sit for 20 to 30 minutes waiting for everyone to load in. Then they back the plane out. Then they tell you you're 31 for takeoff. By the time you get to cruising altitude, it is at least an hour from the time you ordered your Bloody Mary.
- [17:10]
Allison Rosen
You already lost your buzz.
- [17:12]
Adam Carolla
I'm gonna start a bar called the First Class Bar. And here's how it works. You sit down, you order your drink. About 70 minutes later, I'll bring you your drink. And in the meantime, instead of staring at sports on a flat screen tv, you stare at the back of another bar stool. That's what you'll do. So imagine if this was a bar, and this bar, hey, it's two grand to get in this bar. And here's what you do. You sit down and you order your drink. And then you stare at the back of the other bar stool and you just stare and you sit there for about an hour, maybe an hour and 10 minutes. Hey, maybe you get lucky. It's only 55 minutes on a good day. And then I'll give you your Bloody Mary.
- [17:49]
Allison Rosen
But don't forget to add physical discomfort, potential turbulence, and things which actually make people nervous. Fliers, right?
- [17:55]
Adam Carolla
But at least you're. At least you're going somewhere. My point is this. Hand out the fucking drinks when you're on the ground if first class guy asks you for one. And out of the, I don't know, 18 people or 25 people that were in first class, half of them were kids, they're going to Hawaii. The other portion were responsible adults who didn't drink at 8:30 in the morning. There's probably me and another dude and a half that would have ordered a cocktail. How about just serving it up? Or let them Go in the fucking lounge and catch a buzz before they come onto the plane.
- [18:28]
Brian Bishop
Do you think they're beholden to the same rules as the airport bars? No drinking before 9?
- [18:33]
Adam Carolla
No. No, I know they're not, because I've had that where I've traveled through Texas and they said, sir, on Sunday we don't open the bars before noon. And then I walked onto the plane and found another fan and they gave me a glass of red wine. At 7:30 in the morning. No. Soon as you walk down that jetway, you're in international waters. That was another one of my arguments. Or what the fuck is the difference? I'm sitting in the plane staring through the window at the bar that is not serving people until noon with a drink in my hand. Our society's completely fucked up and it needs to be. Like we need some smart CEO just to give. Who enjoys alcohol, who enjoys alcohol just to come in and fucking straighten everything out.
- [19:14]
Brian Bishop
Good jobs available.
- [19:16]
Adam Carolla
Speaking of that, when we're leaving Hawaii, Natalia had her little princess Kanalua flip flops on that we got at the gift store. The picture, about a wallet size worth of vulcanized rubber, you know, things about three eighths of an inch thick and about the size of my five year old's foot. And when it was time to go through security, I said, limon, I want to see, I just want to see this. I want to see them now. Natalia is wearing the two piece Hawaiian dress with the lei and the whole nine yards. I mean, dressed up literally like the little American girl doll. The flip flop is the size of volume wise, a small piece of cat shit. Like in terms of there's nothing to this flip flop, there's nothing to. And I said, go, sweetie, go walk it through. Go walk through. See what happens. Stop, ma', am. Gonna need you to do for me right now, ma'. Am. No, I had to take the flip flops off and throw them into the fucking bin. And here's the deal. Look, if you're wearing stripper wedgies, you know, God willing, in a few short years, if you're wearing stripper wedgies, that's one thing. But what about all the fucking poor people that are just wearing. Like there's chicks who wear the sandals that are just a piece of leather. Just that tanned leather on the bottom that's all of an eighth of an inch thick with the little toe. Single toe strap. What the fuck kind of is that? Loaded with C4. Like I understand the guy who's wearing the creepers, the guy's the you know, the fifth member of the stray cats. That's right. There's a fourth that they never talk about. Yeah. Understand they're wearing the cowboy boots or the creepers or whatever, but when you're just wearing, like I said, the chick sandal that just has, you know, you chip that. Weird. It's like nothing. But why, why do you have to take it off? And in Hawaii. Hawaii is sort of the airport, at least in Maui is sort of outdoors. It's like indoor, outdoor. It's kind of like that way in like Jamaica and other tropical climates where they still have a roof, but they don't. It's all open and there's little geckos running through there and stuff. And so when you're going through security, you're walking on concrete, which is sort of indoor, outdoor, sort of like a covered patio. And you're walking on concrete. And then as you turn and walk through the thing, you walk onto tile and then you walk onto this hardwood inside of the thing. And I thought, here's everyone just happily kicking their shoes off. Everyone's wearing flip flops cuz they're in Hawaii and they've all been dressed for Hawaii and now they're all heading back, a lot of them to la where it's even hotter. And so everyone is wearing cargo shorts and flip flops and everyone's just walking barefoot through the airport. And I say it all the time, if you went into just a Target and said take your shoes off and walk around barefoot and then go walk outside for a little bit, everyone would be like, fuck you, no way. Where's the runner? Like, we have decided that we're gonna make a place where every motherfucker who comes through here needs to take their shoes off. And in most cases with women especially get to their bare feet. In this society where we're so freaked out about germs and touching things and everything, we're flushing toilets using our sleeves or foot, or we're opening bathroom doors using our shoulder or butting it with our head or pushing it with our foot. Everyone's just walking around barefoot through the fucking airport. No one wants to go to Home Depot and just get a runner. Just get a fucking piece of carpet and just put it down. Just something or some semblance of. I guess like you thought about it, right? Like it's just weird. I mean, I don't know where else you would happily just walk barefoot through a commercial area. And like, for instance, you take the Burbank Airport. That is the worst stretch of Indoor outdoor carpet I've ever seen in my life. I mean, it's coming apart at the seams. I don't know what the pattern is because the pattern is all worn off in the middle. Burbank Airport looks like a car tire where you can see the belts showing through it. Is that fucked up? And yet everyone just kicks their shoes off and just walks barefoot through the area that thousands of people just walk barefoot before them through. In this diseased infused culture we're living in, why does the airport not make an attempt? Have you ever even seen a fucking runner?
- [23:38]
Allison Rosen
It's really weird. It's like people don't worry about germs from the knee down. Cause if you had to put your hands all over something that everyone else has touched, that's when people get nervous. It's weird.
- [23:46]
Adam Carolla
You wouldn't go into a shower. Like if you were in a YMCA and it was in a creepy part of town, you wouldn't go into the shower without shower shoes. You'd wear flip flops into the. You'd wear shower shoes into it. All I'm saying is once as an airport, once you make the decree, hey, everyone's going to need to take their shoes off and get into their either socks or bare feet and walk across this fairly lengthy area. Wouldn't the next thing be, alright, well, what do we do? We got to put something down now? We got to put a runner down or what do we got to do? Put some rubber down or what do we do?
- [24:18]
Brian Bishop
I'm thinking that maybe the hardwood or the whatever floor is easier to clean on a consistent basis because those, whatever carpeting there is in LAX or anything is filthy, like gunk.
- [24:27]
Adam Carolla
It's filthy. I mean, if it's a harder to clean and keep clean if you walk. If you walked into a fucking Sizzler and you open the door and you look down and you saw the carpet that's at the Burbank airport that you have to walk across barefoot, you'd go, let's, let's not eat here. I don't want to eat here. Let's go. And if somebody said take your shoes off and walk to the booth, you'd go, are you fucking nuts? No fucking way. You can carry me. I'd rather walk through Kohl's. What? Why is it okay. And how come zero airports have adopted the, the shoe kickoff policies? Been going on for six years now. At least six years. Have you seen a runner?
- [25:09]
Allison Rosen
No.
- [25:09]
Adam Carolla
You look at the why you're walking on the cement outdoors, barefoot, then on the tile. My son is then sitting on the ground, just sitting on the floor, putting his shoes back on. It's a flat fucking mess. Why don't they deal with it? Or at least pretend like you've done something, you know what I mean?
- [25:27]
Allison Rosen
Or at least offer some kind of sanitizing. Pumps.
- [25:30]
Adam Carolla
The. The. I. I'm showing you a shot of the Burbank Airport carpet, and it does not do it justice. There you can see the gray.
- [25:39]
Allison Rosen
Looks like gray matter spread out all over the.
- [25:41]
Adam Carolla
Well, it's certainly. It's at least 40 years old, right? I mean, you can't. That indoor outdoor carpet, you can't wear out that fast, right? It's the. The grain. You can see if you look to the right of the picture, the pa. The fucking. In front of me is a big chunk of gum that's black. To the right, you can see where it's just sun blasted and bleached. They've actually worn the pattern out of the carpet.
- [26:05]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, that's a lot of feet.
- [26:08]
Adam Carolla
Can they fucking do something about this? All right, anyway, swam with the turtles, yada, yada, yada.
- [26:13]
Allison Rosen
So how was the trip?
- [26:14]
Brian Bishop
I heard you lost the kids. Did Lynette tweet something about that?
- [26:17]
Adam Carolla
There was some kid losers lost the kids momentarily at the water slide. They just went off and did their own thing. Natalia's, you know, causing her shit as she does. Like, first time she's ever been to a baggage carousel in Hawaii. She's never seen one before. It's pretty cool when you're a kid, you know, it's this thing that goes.
- [26:36]
Allison Rosen
Right to ride for your life.
- [26:37]
Adam Carolla
I'm 47. I'm still pretty enamored with the baggage carousel. She stands there. I'll give you Sonny, stares at it and says, it's cool. Natalia wants to know what's going on with it. We say, we gotta wait for our bags. Come around. Oh, here's one now. Pull the bag off. She promptly takes her little pink tote bag and throws it on and then starts laughing. So, I mean, that's a troublemaker, right? Her impulse. Sonny's impulse is to help daddy get the bag off the thing and to find out when our next bag is coming off the thing. Her impulse is, I'm gonna throw my bag on there. So, of course she throws her little shitty pink bag on there. You know, she's dragging around a hello Kitty bag with her wheels. She throws it on there. It's sitting there, of course, the world's biggest bag slides down the thing and lands on it, thus pinching it. So now as it comes by again, I grab the handle and go, natalia, you see? And I yank on it, and the handle rips off in my hand because a big, heavy bag is teeing on top of it, wedging it against the fucking thing. So they went off to go do the water slide. They're supposed to go to the top of the stairs, come back down and let Daddy have his cold one and see them come through the water slide. Well, she goes up and decides to hang a right and go have some fun out on her own. So she just goes trekking out on her own. Eventually gets picked up by a security guard. I'm sitting there staring at the bottom of the thing, not knowing if. You know, if you turn your head for a minute and then turn back, they will have gone down the slide and jump back in line again.
- [28:06]
Brian Bishop
Back up to the part where she was picked up by security guard. Because that means either she was gone for an awful long time or she was causing some trouble.
- [28:12]
Adam Carolla
She turned herself in. Evidently, she couldn't find. She couldn't find anyone. And so we got that. We got that going for her. Yeah, we went. I actually found some sea turtles, huge turtles out there. Went nuts, jumped in. Turns out my son is a complete puss. I did this thing where I go, look, we're going in the water. We're going out. We're gonna do a little snorkeling now. Come on. Now. I had my mask. I put his little goggles on. I said, pick them up. And he just grabbed onto me, like, with the spikes into me. And then everyone on the beach was looking at me, you know, And I was, like, holding them, and I was going, no, come on, Sonny, we'll go in the water. Did you hang on today? No. Come on. No. And then.
- [28:54]
Allison Rosen
And they're all. Probably all looking at you like, why are you abusing this child?
- [28:57]
Adam Carolla
Yes. Later on, we were in the kayak, the sea kayak out there, and you see the turtles. The huge turtles come. They put their head up, you know, and they take that breath. And Daddy said, I'm putting the mask on and going off the side, and I'm gonna swim with these turtles. And I went off the side. And Sonny, he was in the pool with me. World class, puss. World class. But, you know, I said to my wife, good, he's a puss. Good. Because when he gets his driver's license, he's not gonna be doing donuts in the parking lot and pulling e brakes and trying to jump the railroad tracks and doing all that bullshit that we were doing. You know, he does not have the thrill seeking gene, the puss gene. Natalia's got the troublemaking gene. Yeah. And she's just got the general kind of snap it. Watch it, Old man jeans. Like when they're getting dressed at night. I'll say, okay, Sonny, put your diaper on. Okay, Natalia, put your diaper. It's a pull up. Oh, excuse me. She's pissed. Don't call the diaper old man. And by the way, you're going to be wearing a diaper in a few years, so laugh it up. So, yeah, good times. Stayed in the same room with the kids.
- [30:10]
Allison Rosen
How's that?
- [30:13]
Adam Carolla
Interesting. Brought Face off the movie. You ever really experienced the majesty of Face off the movie until you've watched it with someone who's never seen Face off, and then.
- [30:25]
Brian Bishop
You kids watch Face Off?
- [30:27]
Adam Carolla
No, they went to sleep, and I made Lynette watch it. And then you start getting into a lot of like. So he cut. Hold on. They cut his face off and put it on the other guy's face? Yeah. And this movie takes place in the future. Unclear. And how. And then he got his face and then put it back onto him. Yeah, that's. That's way to. And they're. But what about the rest of his body? He made love to his wife and his wife didn't even know. I mean, how they do his body. Yep. It's called artistic license, sweetie. Now you're ruining it for me. I've only seen it 11 times. And then it's like you notice the little things that face off. Like, while they're doing the face part, while they're pulling the person's face off and putting it on the other person's face, they're giving him the haircut. Like, they're doing the haircut. And I turn to my go. You think they could have waited on the haircut until after the super sensitive surgical procedure? They're like pieces of hair falling around. The guy's literally getting a haircut on his forehead and there's pieces of hair that. Wouldn't the head surgeon go, hey, sweetie, I'll tell you what, let's do this in phases. I know we're all in a hurry. Let me take this guy's face and put it on this guy's skull. And then when I'm done with my micro surgery, you can give him a haircut.
- [31:50]
Brian Bishop
All right, we'll try it your way today.
- [31:52]
Adam Carolla
They're literally giving him the haircut as the Other guys got the laser on and putting like, I understand it's a passage of time thing, but I think they'd wait on the haircut. That's just me. I'm no surgeon.
- [32:04]
Allison Rosen
Other than that, it's an entirely realistic movie.
- [32:07]
Adam Carolla
About 20 minutes into trying to explain how and why and what goes on, and they're looking for a bomb. I just gave up. But again, when you watch one of your ridiculous movies, watch it with a sane person who's never seen it before. It's like they talk about, like, the magic of Disneyland coming to life through the eyes of a child. The magic of Face off through the eyes of a chick who's never seen it before. It's magical.
- [32:28]
Brian Bishop
That should really be your next basic couple classic. Forget about the commentary and the joke making. Just watch a ridiculous movie with Lynette.
- [32:34]
Adam Carolla
Yes.
- [32:34]
Brian Bishop
And her natural reactions will be hilarious.
- [32:37]
Adam Carolla
All right. I can tell you more and more and more about this, and I will, I will. But we barely got to any of the show and maybe this is the show. Who knows? Anyway, good trip. Swam with the turtles, ate at the buffet. You bond with your goddamn kids when you stay in the same room. You have no choice. Sunny rolled off the bed twice. You know, kablunk. No, no, just double. Just two queens right next to each other. Just sun saws, logs. By the way, snores picky eater over at the buffet. Oh, by the way, Natalia got the. Ordered the teddy bear pancake, which is, you know, big pancake in the middle, two little pancake ears pancake. You know, it's the big. It's flat teddy bear pancake comes with the two little chocolate kisses for the Hershey kisses for the eyes and the chocolate Hershey kiss for the nose. Announced the second day when we went to the cafe. No jam smiley face this time. Hold the strawberry smiley face. Sweetie did not appreciate that.
- [33:45]
Brian Bishop
She knows what she wants.
- [33:47]
Allison Rosen
Or she's goth.
- [33:48]
Adam Carolla
Jesus Christ. And you know, we try to think of the. I don't want to call them unsung heroes, but sort of worst gig ever. Like, there's jobs. There's jobs where they're horrible and time comes to a stop. Like, it stands still.
- [34:05]
Brian Bishop
Is this your needs a tip jar thing?
- [34:07]
Adam Carolla
Yes, this is great. This is fantastic. Yes. And we forget about this dude, the omelet chef at the fucking buffet. This motherfucker is standing there, first off, he's sweating his ass off because he constantly has three pans going. Secondly, I forgot about the yenta factor because call me old fashioned, I thought you could Only order what was before you. I didn't know about the one where it's like no oil, just light on just the pamp. Do you have the pamp? Do you spray the pan, just light pamphlet egg white and then sort of changing mid omelet. Oh, extra. No. Yeah, with the. No, I didn't want the no cheese on that. I mean just the fucking vacationing yentas. The 50 year old new Jersey housewives. Would you super strict, you have respect.
- [34:56]
Allison Rosen
For the omelette chef? Yes, because my boyfriend, who you think I have no future with, was once an omelet chef, that is.
- [35:05]
Adam Carolla
You stand there, you stand there and you fucking sweat through your horrible cap. And three hours of making omelets for super yentas at a high end hotel who have a different one. And you have to be sort of Rain man esque because you have to know what this omelettes doing and that omelette and all you do, you don't get any. No one ever circles back and goes, hey, that was a goddamn good omelet. Thank you very much. You should be proud of yourself and your work. All they do is, I didn't order onions on this or there's too many or I didn't order the or I wanted egg whites or egg beers or all the fucking special requests. Demand, demand, demand. Why is the line so long and you're just standing there for five hours at a time? Your day must go by. It must be the slowest five hours of fucking all. I mean, you're just stand, you're on your feet sweating, making shit and no tip jar. Yeah, no tipping. That motherfucker is getting $9 an hour. He's sweating his ass off and laughing stock of the chef world. Like when you tell like you're a chef. Oh, yes, I'm a chef. Oh, where do you work? Oh, I work at Crustacean. They make omelets over at the Grand Wailea. That's good stuff, buddy. Freshen up my drink, would you, buddy? Make me an omelet, would you? I mean, no pussy, I mean chef is a pussy gig, but there's no pussy for the omelet. No omelet maker. It's a fucking lonely gig. It's never the fun team of omelet makers. It's the one lonely omelet maker, right? It's a two man.
- [36:45]
Allison Rosen
It's almost a punishment. It's almost a solitary confinement.
- [36:47]
Adam Carolla
It's like you've been, yeah, it's like you've been banished to the yard to omelette Island. You know what I mean? The Count of Monty. Crisco.
- [36:56]
Brian Bishop
Crisco.
- [36:57]
Adam Carolla
Thank you.
- [36:58]
Allison Rosen
Right?
- [36:58]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. You're just the one dude stands there.
- [37:01]
Allison Rosen
You're below walk guy.
- [37:02]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. You have people just on you the whole time. And I'll tell you when you have a shit job. The only good part of a shit job is when you get to go out for a breather. Like, somebody will go, I can remember having shit jobs and go, who wants to go on a coffee run? I'd be like, I'll go on a coffee run. And it's like, you know, you're gonna walk out of that office and you'll be gone for 45 minutes. You'll be on your own. Like, or when I was working at the liquor store, it sucked. Like, stocking the shelves and stuff. But we got a delivery. Like, good. Give me the keys to the wagon. I'm outta here. So even if you're the guy who's restocking the salmon and putting the bagels and stuff on there, at least you're walking back and forth to the kitchen. Like, at least you get the. I'll go to the freezer and get the shit. When you're the omelet guy, you're just standing there in a pool of your own flop sweat just listening to yentas and kissing omelet ass.
- [37:55]
Allison Rosen
Even if you have one of those special floor pads that are all gummy, it's still gonna suck.
- [37:59]
Adam Carolla
No. Because it's all caked over with Egg Beaters and your tears.
- [38:02]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, and bits of ham, too.
- [38:05]
Adam Carolla
Plus the most enjoyable thing in life, which is getting an omelet you can no longer enjoy.
- [38:11]
Allison Rosen
No, you probably hate. You hate the eggs.
- [38:13]
Adam Carolla
You gotta go out to breakfast. Yeah.
- [38:15]
Allison Rosen
You hate ham. You hate.
- [38:17]
Adam Carolla
You can't even go to the city of Denver. You can't go to the city of Denver. You cannot. No. You're sitting there with your girlfriend, and she's like, I'll have an omelet. Fuck it. And you storm out of the diner in the morning.
- [38:27]
Allison Rosen
What are you trying to do? Don't you know what I do?
- [38:29]
Adam Carolla
That's right.
- [38:30]
Allison Rosen
What did I say, bitch?
- [38:31]
Adam Carolla
You can't order a fucking waffle. Fuck this.
- [38:35]
Allison Rosen
And no frittatas.
- [38:36]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. So the simple majesty of the omelette has been destroyed for you.
- [38:41]
Allison Rosen
You'd begin to hate chickens, too.
- [38:43]
Adam Carolla
And I would say you begin to just hate people.
- [38:46]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [38:46]
Adam Carolla
Because all they do is they ask, ask, ask. Nary a thanks and off you go.
- [38:52]
Brian Bishop
There's always a line for the omelet. Bar. So by the time the person in the back gets to the front, they're pissed. They've been waiting for breakfast for 20.
- [38:58]
Adam Carolla
Minutes, they're pissed off. God forbid you're out of spinach or something, you're gonna get bitched out. And that shit starts at like, I don't know, 6am and ends at 11. I mean, you're just fucking standing there for five hours.
- [39:11]
Brian Bishop
The place where I got married, the hotel, they had an omelette guy at an omelet station making them for you. And you're 100% right. Something about sweat, something about just being over the burners and being a big guy and being around all that food and all that butter, right? You just sweat profusely.
- [39:24]
Adam Carolla
And it's one of these things where you probably put on £5 just through, like osmosis, like so much butter and egg and cheese has been rubbed into your pores. You know how you can get drunk?
- [39:34]
Allison Rosen
You probably inhale it breathing.
- [39:36]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, just. You put on five pounds, you don't even eat. Ah, yeah. Those are heroes. Those men are heroes and they don't get their due.
- [39:43]
Brian Bishop
We're supposed to do an episode dedicated to worst jobs. Our worst jobs are.
- [39:47]
Allison Rosen
I'm sure Mike lynch just hung himself.
- [39:48]
Brian Bishop
Yeah, no, let's incorporate. This would be a great bit to do that today. Guys who need a tip jar.
- [39:53]
Adam Carolla
All right. Guys who need a tip jar, watch the show. By the way, live weeknights, 8pm Pacific. And plus, by the way, behind the scenes footage you stream live at the Universal City Walk this Thursday. Eisha Tyler, Nubian princess. She's a bit of all right.
- [40:16]
Allison Rosen
She was on Friends three times.
- [40:18]
Adam Carolla
Fool love her. And gonna be at the tabernacle in Atlanta. That is Friday, September 30th, and Ferguson Hall, Tampa Bay, Saturday on the 30th 1st. All right, you want to queue up some news? I'm going to queue up one of our sponsors. We got our guests to bring in. We got lots of stuff to do. Let's cue it up, yeah. Live from the International News center, next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Allison Rosen.
- [40:51]
Allison Rosen
Hurricane Irene's death toll has risen as of Monday to 35, although I just heard 38 more recently.
- [40:58]
Adam Carolla
I want you to. By the way, I don't want to hear about the elderly, I don't want to hear about the 89 year old and I don't want to hear about the guys who are fucking around.
- [41:07]
Allison Rosen
Do you just want people who are toeing the line in the prime of Life who've been struck down.
- [41:14]
Adam Carolla
Yes, here's the death toll. Here's how they should do it. Because they do this thing where they go. The heat wave has claimed 22 souls. But yeah, a guy in his 90s who refused to turn on the air conditioner cuz he's a penny pincher and covered himself in foil and fell asleep on his front lawn. That guy doesn't count. Oh yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? It's, it's like, it's like if an airplane goes down and a retarded guy sees it and runs to it and it lands on him. I don't want his body counted amongst the fucking people in the plane. That's just an idiot on the ground.
- [41:46]
Allison Rosen
Really fast runner.
- [41:48]
Adam Carolla
Well, they do have that. They have those huge calves. The point is this, his running. I will take the death. I will take the death toll. First off, I need you to be under the age of 81.
- [42:01]
Allison Rosen
All right? You lost an 89 year old and.
- [42:05]
Adam Carolla
I needed to not beat your own hands. Like if you got an inflatable mattress and a pony keg and two your buddies and thought you're gonna go whitewater rafting down main street and hit a storm drain and drown, that's you. You would have died doing what they love. You would have died two weeks later in a fucking shopping cart related incident. Like, do you know what I'm saying? Like if you die doing some jackass stunt or you're elderly and would have died, you know, I don't. Here's what I'm saying. The earthquake that causes the heart attack and the 89 year old, I ain't counting as an earthquake related death because a car could have backfired or dog could have farted and you could have had a heart attack.
- [42:42]
Allison Rosen
Some dog farts.
- [42:44]
Adam Carolla
I'm saying I want the real death toll, not the jackass and elderly death toll.
- [42:48]
Brian Bishop
What if the natural disaster cuts out power to like the hospital and like knocks out someone's ventilation later?
- [42:54]
Adam Carolla
I'm not going to count that. If you're on a breathing apparatus and that's. That's act of God. Sorry.
- [42:59]
Allison Rosen
Well, Officials initially estimated 22, but as of as cleanup and recovery efforts got underway, they raised the number, but now according to Adam Carolla's rules, they should lower the number a bit. The storm is estimated to have caused $7 billion worth of damage.
- [43:14]
Adam Carolla
That's a pretty easy way. The average male in this country dies at 78 or 79 years of age. If you're past the Average age of the death of the male, or fema, depending on what you are, you cannot be counted. That's number one. Thank you. And again, if you. If you got a fucking jet ski and you're pulling one of your buddies on an ironing board and you hit a city truck, that's you fucking around. Yeah, that can't be counted either.
- [43:39]
Allison Rosen
But at least you have a zest for life right before you go.
- [43:42]
Adam Carolla
Oh, no, I appreciate that, guy. Don't get me wrong. We need more amp.
- [43:45]
Allison Rosen
Much of New York was returning to normal. Airports resuming flights and the subway was running. But further north, swaths of Vermont were underwater. 5 million residents were left without electricity Monday morning. The National Weather Service says the threat of flooding remains a top concern, even though the rains have subsided.
- [44:02]
Adam Carolla
Mm. So big hype all week long. I turned to my wife in Hawaii and I said nothing. New York's gonna get hit by tsunami, death toll, whatever. I was like, first off, they're all Jews and they live in penthouses. I know New York, so they'll be fine. Number one, we're not gonna have another Katrina thing with a bunch of people on the roof with no wind up flashlights. They' over there in New York. And number two, that's all hype. We'll see. We'll see. We'll see how it happens in New York City.
- [44:31]
Allison Rosen
It's not even a hurricane anymore. Tropical storm Irene.
- [44:35]
Adam Carolla
Nothing but hype, hype, hype. I've said it a million times. There's way too many news outlets and not enough news. So what are you gonna do? Well, you're gonna have to make something news. And it's one big thing where it's like, picture a guy with a headphone standing behind the camera doing the stretch move. Stretch it out, baby. We got nothing going on. We got the Kardashian wedding and this. That's all we got going for a whole three days. We gotta get our. We gotta fuckin. We gotta make rock soup out of this shit.
- [45:01]
Allison Rosen
It is crazy how much New York shut down, though. Like, they stopped public transportation and that's the first time they've done that for a natural disaster.
- [45:09]
Adam Carolla
Yes.
- [45:09]
Allison Rosen
So I don't know. I mean, yes, people are saying that it was in the same way as Carmageddon. It was really overhyped.
- [45:15]
Adam Carolla
Sure.
- [45:15]
Allison Rosen
However, there are a lot of people saying that. Yeah, but if you were, you know, in Vermont or in other places, like, they did lose their power and it was.
- [45:22]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, but they weren't mayhem. The news was all about New York City. It was all about Manhattan. That's where they were hitting it.
- [45:29]
Allison Rosen
Gaddafi is missing. Fighting continues in Libya. Gaddafi's wife and three of his sons are believed to have escaped to Algeria. And people are saying the fact that they went to Algeria is a sign that he really has lost power.
- [45:43]
Adam Carolla
I like the idea that it's 2011 and we still have countries at A, I've never heard of or I couldn't really find on a map, and B, have the welcome despots. Yeah. Come on down. We need a palace. You do what you cool. What do you want? A gold submarine in a palace? We'll take you. Come on in. Come on down. Say hi.
- [46:01]
Allison Rosen
They can show their despot priority card. They probably have a special card like yours.
- [46:06]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, sure. Couldn't get in the United Lounge, but could definitely get into whatever country. Like, I still like the idea that we have countries that will harbor folks that have killed thousands, maybe millions of their own countrymen. Come on down.
- [46:19]
Brian Bishop
I'm sure Gaddafi's experience of getting into Algeria was much like Adams trying to get into the first class.
- [46:24]
Allison Rosen
I feel like it was probably better.
- [46:25]
Brian Bishop
I have despot card.
- [46:27]
Allison Rosen
We'll try this one.
- [46:29]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Great.
- [46:30]
Allison Rosen
Matthew Fox of Lost and let us not forget Party of Five.
- [46:35]
Adam Carolla
Yes.
- [46:37]
Allison Rosen
Totally liked him better than. Bailey is accused of assaulting a female driver of a party battle. This happened in Cleveland, where Fox is on location shooting an adaptation of the James Patterson novel. I Alex Cross.
- [46:48]
Adam Carolla
Good name for AZ V party bus. Wow. Sorry. Go ahead.
- [46:55]
Allison Rosen
It's true. Early Sunday morning, he allegedly tried to board the bus along with the members of a bachelor party who had rented the bus. Driver Heather Borman confronted Fox and told him she didn't recognize him as a member of the group and warned him three times to get away from the door.
- [47:10]
Adam Carolla
Built like a jukebox, by the way. This one. I always love when I have to do that Sunday morning math. That moment of Sunday morning, where the hell were they?
- [47:19]
Allison Rosen
Oh, Friday night.
- [47:21]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Saturday night. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Right. You know, it's too depressing.
- [47:27]
Allison Rosen
Yeah. Now, she says, quote, I told him he was trespassing. He never once said anything. He just looked at me with his mouth open. Then he leaned in and started swinging on me.
- [47:38]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, swinging on me. Yeah. Well, he was drunk. She's a big gal.
- [47:42]
Allison Rosen
She told police Fox. So therefore, with his double vision, he'd still be able to see her.
- [47:46]
Adam Carolla
Or I. I'm saying that people do that, you know, you. You hit a lady or you took a swing at a lady like you're taking a punch at Nancy Reagan. I'm saying £300 is £300. Is she a great big fat person? I've been attacked by a big woman before. They'll put you on your back as fast as a fast as Butterbean would. Well, tell you that right now. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
- [48:10]
Allison Rosen
She told police Fox hit her in the chest and stomach before she hit back to defend herself. She said it took three men to pull Fox away from her and an off duty police officer detained him until the police came. Borman said as one of the officers asked her if she knew who he was. And she said, yeah, he's the guy who assaulted me.
- [48:30]
Adam Carolla
I like that.
- [48:31]
Allison Rosen
She's a single mother of three and says nothing like this has ever happened before. And she plans to file assault charges.
- [48:38]
Adam Carolla
Well, look at a picture of a guy that looks like Butterbean. Although I don't know if that is butterbean or not.
- [48:43]
Brian Bishop
The facial hair looks much meaner.
- [48:44]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, should have grown that a long time ago. All right. How do you feel? You feel good? I should do my own news story. You know Uncle Frank from Jimmy Kimmel show passed away. Boy, I think he passed away on Wednesday. Jesus. Tuesday. God damn it. Figure it out. Point is, last week. And just. He was one of these guys that, just a simple guy who always had a smile on his face and was just, you know, you could always count on Uncle Frank because whenever you saw him, he was always in a good mood. And it was always. It was almost like a Labrador, like, how you doing? Like if a Labrador could talk. I know that sounds like a horrible eulogy, but, I mean, I'd see Frank be like, adam, how are you? How are the kids? That was great. And whatever. He would always find something. Your book, it's great. You know, he'd find something that you did or some show that you did. I saw you on, I heard you on that show was great. Like, he. He'd always take a moment. He died on Tuesday, August 23rd. He. He'd always. He'd take a moment, figure out something that he liked about you, and then shout it at you. Versus folks that figure out something they don't like about you or figure out something they do like about you and then resent you for it. Give you the big two handed handshake and just full of zest and energy and life and just that kind of thing where it was always like, hey, here's what we should do and here's what you can do and oh, this is great. And oh, this is awesome. And it was just, just. I've said it a million times. You know, we get caught up, especially in Hollywood, we get caught up in everybody with their, oh, man, this guy's really funny. Or, oh, man, this guy's really deep. Or, oh, man, this guy's really brilliant. I'd fucking give a thousand of those assholes away for one. Uncle Frank, just one guy who's always in a good mood, who's perpetually having a good time, who's just glad to be here and be where he is. He's glad that he saw you. He's excited that you walked into his sphere. You know what I mean? And that's how it always was. There was no such thing as a sort of pensive, bummed out Uncle Frank or not feeling it today. Uncle Frank, My back's a little sore. Uncle Frank. Uncle Frank didn't exist. Maybe his back was a little sore. Maybe he wasn't having the greatest day. You would never know it. It was just always, how you doing, Adam? Great. How are the kids? How's the wife? What's going on? Loved you in Fill in the blank. And I just love that guy's energy. And he's going to be missed. He just had such a great, strong presence. And, you know, I talked to Jimmy the day after he passed, and I just said this, and I've said it to a few people in a few different situations before. I said, look, first off, you made the guy's life. I mean, here's the guy's basically retired in his mid-60s. You bring him out here and he has the greatest eight, nine years of his life. I mean, imagine Jimmy Kimmel has brought you out and, you know, put you up on stage. I mean, he was the first guy at work. He was the last guy to leave. That part I didn't really respect in him. I got to say, that's the one thing that we just sort of agreed to disagree on. Hopefully didn't come up because there's always a little tension around that. But, you know, he came out and he basically had the best retirement any human being could have. He spent the last eight years of his life just. And he was also one of these guys that just reveled in it. He loved it. He was a peacock. He was so proud of his daughters. He was so proud of Jimmy. You know, he'd go around the feast of San Gennaro, you know, he could tell. Not in a cocky way, but he loved every second of being Uncle Frank. And his family loved his Family. And I just said to Jimmy, look. I said, look, everyone dies sadly. But, you know, there it is. And some people die in war when they're 19. And some people die at birth. And some people die in horrific car accidents at 35. And some people die at cancer. 55. Hey. Uncle Frank made it to 77. And the last 10 years of his life with you being a celebrity, were the best 10 years any uncle could have asked for. That's pretty good. I mean, he's ahead of 99.9% of society. I mean, if you think about it, because it's sad, you mourn, but you really. If you put into perspective what Uncle Frank did, he essentially beats out 99.99% of the human beings that have ever walked on this planet. And, you know, I told Jimmy, you should be proud of what you did for him. He will be missed. He was just a great energy and a great presence, and he will be missed. So that's for you, Uncle Frank. We'll always be thinking of you. And he had a great, great. I don't know what happens to the grip, but the grip doesn't change. It actually gets stronger. It was a Denver boot he had for a hand. And he worked it out because he would grab hold of your upper arm and he'd go, like, adam, Adam, Adam. And he'd grab your arm. We gotta get Jimmy to run for mayor of Hollywood. And I'd go, I'll tell him, but he's not gonna. No, Adam, you talk to him. And he'd be trying to get the circulation back in your arm, like, okay, Frank, let me join my East. Adam, you tell him. He'll listen to you. No, he's not gonna listen to me. He's gotta be mayor of Hollywood. I just love the crazy.
- [54:20]
Brian Bishop
You're like, I'll tell him. And by the way, how's my blood pressure?
- [54:23]
Adam Carolla
Enthusiasm. Yeah. I mean, he's gone, but I can still. I still. If I ever want to ever get lonely and want to remember Uncle Frank, I just look at my. The. My inner right arm and I still see his fingerprints, right black and blue, still implanted there. So he will be missed. All right, how about we hold off on the news right now? I'll give a little love to our sponsors, and then we will bring out our guests for today. Why are you running away?
- [55:00]
Schuyler Fisk
Isn't this what everybody hopes for in the first place? We could play some kind of game.
- [55:13]
Adam Carolla
That's a little Skyler Fisk for you. Blue ribbon winner. Name of the album available on itunes and Amazon as we speak. Good to see you, Skyler.
- [55:22]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah, good to see you too.
- [55:24]
Adam Carolla
So actress and musician.
- [55:27]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah. Double duty.
- [55:28]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [55:29]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah.
- [55:29]
Adam Carolla
Everyone does the. What do you like more? But you can like them the same or hate them.
- [55:33]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah, I like. I mean, you know, I start music is probably my first love, but when I never thought I would do it as a career. So I always, you know, growing up, I always thought I was gonna be an actress. I did theater and actually a lot of musical theater.
- [55:46]
Adam Carolla
Right.
- [55:46]
Schuyler Fisk
And then I came out here to pursue acting, and then there was a lot of downtime.
- [55:51]
Adam Carolla
Where'd you come out here from?
- [55:52]
Schuyler Fisk
Virginia was where I grew up.
- [55:54]
Adam Carolla
Is that Cissy Spacek's your mom? Right, right. Did she. Was she there? I mean, did everyone live in Virginia?
- [56:00]
Schuyler Fisk
No, she grew up in Texas, and then her and my dad lived out here, and then she had me, and then they decided they wanted to, you know, try and raise me somewhere not in Hollywood.
- [56:12]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Yeah.
- [56:13]
Schuyler Fisk
So they. So they moved back there. And I'm so grateful. Back then I didn't understand. I was like, why can't we live in California?
- [56:19]
Adam Carolla
How old were you at the time?
- [56:21]
Schuyler Fisk
When I moved. When we moved to Virginia, I was like three months old.
- [56:25]
Adam Carolla
Oh, pretty good vocabulary for three months.
- [56:29]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [56:30]
Schuyler Fisk
@ what point I said that I was probably. I was probably about 6 when I said that. When I like, you know, wanted to be an actress.
- [56:36]
Adam Carolla
Right. And you had it. What did your dad do? Please tell me. Carlton Fisk. No, that would have been an awesome parent.
- [56:45]
Schuyler Fisk
People always ask if they're related.
- [56:46]
Adam Carolla
Oh, it would have been such a sweet combo for parents.
- [56:50]
Brian Bishop
Pudge.
- [56:51]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah, he's a production designer.
- [56:53]
Adam Carolla
Uh huh. So he and mama met on the set.
- [56:56]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah, they met on a movie called Badland.
- [56:59]
Adam Carolla
Sure.
- [56:59]
Schuyler Fisk
And yeah, and then they were, you know, have been together ever since, so.
- [57:03]
Adam Carolla
And is your mom Sissy? What's her real. Does she have a real first name?
- [57:09]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah, Mary Elizabeth is her given name, but her brother's called her Sissy. Actually, when I was driving over here tonight, she was like, what are you doing? I was like, I'm gonna be on the Adam Carolla show. And she's like, adam Carolla? That's that great comedian I used to watch on Dancing with the Stars. He's adorable and he's a great dancer.
- [57:29]
Adam Carolla
What kind of universe are we living in? What is going on where Sissy Spacek knows who I am? That is so sad. So sad. Well, tell us now, where is she? Is she out? I mean, she goes home to Virginia she comes out, makes movies. Or actually, you don't come out to LA to make movies anymore. You probably just go to Canada or New Mexico or wherever else.
- [57:50]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah, she's in Virginia right now. But she, her and my dad both come out to LA quite a bit for work, whether it's, you know, making a film or everything that comes after that.
- [57:59]
Adam Carolla
And is she now. She. Obviously. Let's see. Coal miner's daughter. Right.
- [58:04]
Brian Bishop
Would Sissy spray one of the.
- [58:07]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah.
- [58:07]
Brian Bishop
Who surprised you the most in your life of you found out who know who you are, you know what I'm saying? Like, you found out this celebrity knew who you were and blew your. Not blew your mind. But is there any that have blown your mind?
- [58:18]
Adam Carolla
I remember when I found out that IDI Amin was pretty big fan. Yeah, that was pretty weird.
- [58:22]
Brian Bishop
I can see that.
- [58:25]
Adam Carolla
No, no, I remember. I remember when I was. I just got into the business in like 1994 and a half, and someone said Axl Rose was a fan of mine or something. And that was weird because Guns N Roses was going off and I'd been in the. I was a carpenter like four months earlier.
- [58:40]
Allison Rosen
So that was pretty heady company for your mom to be in.
- [58:43]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, tell her she's got to choose between me and Axe. They make the same music, so. Yeah. So your mom sings, right?
- [58:51]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah, she sings. Yeah.
- [58:53]
Adam Carolla
And she sings sort of country folk music, I guess, or at least she did in the movie. But I don't know what she likes saying.
- [59:01]
Schuyler Fisk
Loretta Lynn. No. She grew up in her little town in Texas. She actually taught guitar to the local kids and actually went to New York originally to pursue music. And then it kind of. She kind of ended up falling into acting and it was working out for her, so she went with it.
- [59:20]
Adam Carolla
And yeah, she's. She's got this. She's really has this look that is not traditional and it's not that sort of starlet look. I'm basically saying she's good looking, but she has to have acting chops. Otherwise she's not getting by just because she's got big tits and blue eyes and all that kind of stuff. And it's got a little. I don't know who I'm. I'm trying to think of who's Meryl Streep in the sense that Sissy Spacek and Meryl Streep are both beautiful, attractive women, but they ain't getting by on their looks. I mean, they gotta show up and act.
- [60:00]
Brian Bishop
Yes.
- [60:01]
Adam Carolla
The whole package. Right? I think call it the whole package and you Seem like got a pretty good hand dealt to you too. You look like your mom. But I don't think people would say it if they didn't know who you were. But then once you tell them who you are, then you go, but they don't know who you are because you go by Fisk.
- [60:16]
Schuyler Fisk
Right? Yeah, right.
- [60:17]
Adam Carolla
But then when people find out that they go, oh, yeah, yeah, now I'm seeing you now.
- [60:22]
Schuyler Fisk
Oh, these are terrible pictures you're showing.
- [60:24]
Allison Rosen
Really, you can get confused. We go into terriblepictures.com?
- [60:28]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah, it was, that was definitely on that website. Yeah. You know, well, I think my mom is beautiful, but I remember seeing like a magazine cover growing up in the house and it was like the Ugly Duckling of Hollywood Sissy Spacek. And I was like, well, first of all, all that's wrong in my opinion. I think she's so beautiful. And isn't that weird, a weird thing to say.
- [60:47]
Adam Carolla
But I'm sure they went on to explain it in a sort of backhanded compliment sort of way.
- [60:54]
Schuyler Fisk
Maybe they did. I didn't read the article.
- [60:56]
Allison Rosen
I was like, but was she a swan by the end?
- [60:59]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I mean, there was some, there was something that went on to say that she went on to conquer Hollywood. But, and I understand it, she doesn't look like, you know, Kim Basinger, but Ugly duckling, that's, that's, that's a little bit of a stretch.
- [61:12]
Schuyler Fisk
I do think though that like so many actresses now just like look like actresses.
- [61:16]
Adam Carolla
Right.
- [61:16]
Schuyler Fisk
It's kind of distracting. There's like an actress look.
- [61:19]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [61:20]
Schuyler Fisk
Not like a real person that just exists.
- [61:22]
Adam Carolla
And then there's, there's actually, you know, basically female, female impersonators. Just. That's. No, basically you're, you're. This is what Pam Anderson is. She's a female, female impersonator. And now I'm starting to believe there's like male, male impersonators. Like the Jersey Shore guys. Like the guys who are essentially aliens. And they go, what would a dude do if he was on this planet? And some push ups. Shave the chest, put some gel in the hair. Like it's a weird. It's a fetish. It's essentially a, it's a, it's a.
- [61:57]
Allison Rosen
Sexual fetish, but it's not masculinity.
- [62:00]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Like you understand the weird fetish. Like we all understand the hey baby, put some high heels on and step on that cockroach while I beat off. We all understand that fetish.
- [62:10]
Allison Rosen
Well, we understand it if you want to be cliche. About fetishes.
- [62:13]
Adam Carolla
Well, we understand that as a fetish. Yes, but we don't understand. I think that Marilyn Monroe had this syndrome, too. And Pam Anderson and many, you know, Jane Mansfield. They had a female. Female impersonator. Well, the voice was probably maleficent. That's what the voice is like when you hear that little Marilyn Monroe, Happy Birthday, Mr. President thing. And then you think about her sort of just sleeping with powerful guys and wanting to be this sort of sexual object to all men all the time, and then killing herself essentially, or at least being strung out on meds and not knowing much about her sort of foster life past. I am sure that she was inappropriately. There's no. Appropriately abused once in a while. You know, you give a guy abuse pass. You know, not all abuse is bad. No. I'm sure she was inappropriately touched and. Or abused as a young person, and that's what gave her this sort of fetish life. But let's talk about the ALM. Okay. And then your mom. And then we'll do 20 minutes on your mom. Knowing who I am. Yeah. So you decide at a certain age, I want to act and I want to make music. And does anyone try to talk. Yeah. Of it?
- [63:28]
Allison Rosen
No.
- [63:29]
Schuyler Fisk
I think back now, and I'm kind of like, what were my parents thinking? But they actually, you know, I wanted to kind of, like, move to Hollywood when I was, you know, like I said six.
- [63:38]
Adam Carolla
Right.
- [63:38]
Schuyler Fisk
And because I saw people playing my mom's kids in films that were, like, my age, and I'm like, I want it. I can do that. Like, I am your kid. I know how to. And they wouldn't let me do it that young. They wouldn't let me get into it. And I was like, this isn't fair. You're ruining my career. You know, but, you know, I got to be like an extra in some scenes when I was little.
- [63:59]
Adam Carolla
Like that Chuck Heston let his kid play the baby Moses when He was, like, 4 months old.
- [64:05]
Allison Rosen
Did it ruin him?
- [64:07]
Adam Carolla
Seemed pretty normal to me. I mean, it's a long story, but, yeah, he was the little kid in the wicker basket. So. See, It's a catch 22 because your mom was normal enough to move to Virginia and get away from this insanity. And that same mom was not gonna throw her daughter into this rock tumbler known as Hollywood.
- [64:28]
Allison Rosen
Right.
- [64:28]
Schuyler Fisk
Well, I mean, she wanted to protect me as much as she could, but at the same time, she always says, you know, the. The industry's been good to her. So she. She just really. And I Have a younger sister too, that's an artist as well. And she's just. Both of my parents have just wanted us to, you know, follow our bliss is what they say.
- [64:45]
Adam Carolla
Maybe she had enough f U money. Like, there's this thing too. I never really, you know, no one really discusses this part of letting your kid basically do what they want to do. But I'll do some math with my daughter, which is if she's good looking and I got a bunch of f U money socked away and you want to go out and do your thing, go do your thing. Because I don't need you. I mean, like, I don't need you to go out and earn for this. You're good looking, you'll marry somebody, he'll have a decent gig, and I got a ton of fu money socked away. Go knock yourself out. Like, no one factors that part in. Like when you're from a poor family and, you know, you're immigrants and you're poor and everyone's working three jobs and the son says, you know, I'm gonna play in the NBA or I'm gonna. I'm gonna be. I'm gonna start a band. Well, then somebody has to step in and go, no, no, no, no, no. You gotta finish your schooling, you gotta get a gig. We gotta get some money coming through this door. You know, you can't just go out and fuck around essentially, but you got some money put away. Good looking daughter. What's that you mean?
- [65:52]
Schuyler Fisk
Because too, you know, I like to think they believed in me.
- [65:56]
Adam Carolla
Okay, sweetheart, that's a good one. Did you hear that one? No, no, no, they did. They did believe in you. No, I'm just saying. I know it's coming out the wrong way, but what I'm saying is they don't have to worry. They don't have to worry about it. Because if you're good at what you do, then you're good at what you do. Or you can be good at what you do and not make a penny.
- [66:15]
Schuyler Fisk
It's true.
- [66:16]
Adam Carolla
And there's plenty of people that are good actors and good singers and don't make a ton of dough.
- [66:21]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah, absolutely.
- [66:22]
Adam Carolla
But the family isn't sitting there going, look, we're not gonna be able to make the payment on the farm if you don't get out there and get your veterinarian license or whatever it is.
- [66:31]
Allison Rosen
So you're talking about a situation where the family is relying on the kid to make money to bring it back to the family, as opposed to just the families like we're not gonna be able to support you past a certain point. You need to be self sufficient.
- [66:41]
Adam Carolla
I'm talking this probably not gonna go over that well, but please take in the spirit in which it's intended. I'm talking about the family that has the son and they have a fixed limited income. And that son says, I'm gonna be a rock star. And they're like, like, buddy, you better hit the books because you need to be a doctor or lawyer or whatever because you ain't going to be able to support your family and you're not going to marry some rich cougar who's going to take care of you like you're going to need to. Versus I have a hot daughter and I got a lot of money. My feeling with that would be have fun. You know, if it doesn't work out, get a job as a school teacher at some point. But, but you're not gonna land on your, you're not gonna fall on your face.
- [67:31]
Allison Rosen
Skyler, this is actually a compliment.
- [67:32]
Adam Carolla
It is. It means your parents have got their shit together and you're good looking and look, you're here. Obviously it's worked out. You're at the pinnacle.
- [67:40]
Schuyler Fisk
I made it.
- [67:41]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. No, I'm saying. Brian, would you back me up on this?
- [67:45]
Brian Bishop
Yes.
- [67:46]
Adam Carolla
Thank you. Thank you. Do you guys know what I'm talking about?
- [67:49]
Allison Rosen
Yeah. Yeah, we do.
- [67:52]
Adam Carolla
Okay. I'm saying. All right, you know what I'm talking about.
- [67:56]
Brian Bishop
But you're saying Sissy Spacek can, can skate or she can skate.
- [68:01]
Adam Carolla
I'm saying Skyler can skate.
- [68:02]
Schuyler Fisk
I will say that when my, when my mom went off to, to pursue her, her dream, you know, she came from, from a, you know, family in, in the middle of nowhere, Texas that didn't have a lot of much and they were very supportive and, and really wanted, you know, they were, they could, they were very supportive and, and you know, they, they believed in her and they just kind of trusted that she would do something with her life. And I think that part of that kind of trust that they had in her made her really want to be successful, you know, didn't want to let them down. And also I think she was just, you know, she's really talented, obviously.
- [68:40]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. But did parents know that when the kid is, you know, 18 or 19?
- [68:45]
Schuyler Fisk
I think you can. Yeah, I think you can see. Yeah, definitely.
- [68:48]
Adam Carolla
What did your parents, what did your mom's parents do?
- [68:53]
Schuyler Fisk
My grandfather Poppy worked at the bank and he was the. Well actually he was a local agricultural agent.
- [69:01]
Adam Carolla
And.
- [69:04]
Schuyler Fisk
I think her mom was a housewife.
- [69:07]
Adam Carolla
Agricultural agent. I'm just picturing a guy. I'm just picturing my agent. James, baby, dolphins going. All right, listen, fertilizer sod. I love you, baby, but I'm gonna need 10%.
- [69:16]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah.
- [69:17]
Adam Carolla
Unless you want to make me a producer. If I get a producer. Producer credit from the side, then you can keep your 10%. I'll just. I'll just wet my beak on the back end.
- [69:24]
Brian Bishop
Hold on. Mulch is down.
- [69:26]
Adam Carolla
The other day. Mulch. Hold on, baby. I gotta go.
- [69:31]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah, so anyway, I don't know.
- [69:33]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I don't know either. All right, so what you said, that.
- [69:36]
Brian Bishop
Was confusing, I think was you're like, if you have a daughter that's good looking and a lot of money, then you can be a schoolteacher. I think you confused me and possibly Alex.
- [69:45]
Adam Carolla
All right, here's what saying. I'm saying, I am saying I felt as a dude. I know you guys feel like we're living in a different society, but I feel like as a dude from a poor family, I felt like I'm not gonna get snapped up by some female attorney who's doing good for herself and gonna put a roof over my head. Like, I felt like I was gonna have to provide for a family. Like not just myself, but for a family at some point. And I felt some pressure to be like, you can't be fucking around too much because you're gonna have to be paying for everything one day. Turns out I was right. I didn't know how bad it was gonna be. But the point is this, and I know this sounds old fashioned, but I will have a slightly different scale for my daughter than my son. If my daughter is beautiful, I'll realize that there's probably gonna be some dudes who probably has a decent gig who at some point is going to show an interest in her, and at some point, they're going to get married and he will be able to take care of her, possibly, or probably. That's a big gamble, my son. I'm not going to be counting on that. Do you know what I'm saying?
- [71:01]
Allison Rosen
My parents encouraging me to go to college was a big, backhanded compliment.
- [71:05]
Adam Carolla
I don't know if it's backhanded.
- [71:07]
Allison Rosen
Wow. Isn't that yet another reason I am upset with. No, no, I'm just kidding.
- [71:11]
Adam Carolla
No, no, no.
- [71:12]
Allison Rosen
I get what you're saying. I mean, it sounds like the difference is you're talking about a scenario where maybe the parents don't. Where the kid says, I want to be an NBA star or rock star, an actor, an actress, and the parents think that's a pipe dream. You have your head in the clouds. You need to have your nose to the grindstone versus a situation, the other, you know, alternative, which is where the parents are like, well, yeah, we. We see that you actually do have. Have a buttload of talent in that field, and so we believe in you more.
- [71:38]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. I'm just saying. Bunch of money. If the parents have money, at least have something, then that's a little padding, like, all right, look, you're not gonna fall on your face. You're not gonna be homeless. You can try whatever, and if it doesn't work out, you can crash back in your old room for a few years and get your whatever. So it has to do with the family that you're coming from, number one. And it has to do with how realistic this plan is of yours. Do you have a good singing voice? Do you have acting chops? Like, I would like to realistically assess this person's talent, and then also the opportunity for how society is going to embrace you and what your opportunities are going to be. I know it's all sounding.
- [72:24]
Schuyler Fisk
I think it's hard to generalize in this kind of thing because I think every family is different. And I don't think that, you know, especially these days, that girls or their families think that they're going to go and then be supported by some guy.
- [72:36]
Adam Carolla
No, there's a lot of.
- [72:36]
Schuyler Fisk
I was raised to just be able to kind of depend on myself, and.
- [72:40]
Adam Carolla
That'S how you should be raised. And that's what I'll tell my daughter. But then I'll whisper to my wife, don't worry about it. She looks good in a bathing suit. She'll be fine. She'll marry some Arab cat. She'll be fine. Yeah. Don't worry about it. I'm telling you.
- [72:54]
Allison Rosen
No, I know, I know.
- [72:56]
Adam Carolla
All right. This is all a backhanded compliment because it turns out you're good looking, turns out your mom has some FU money, and it turns out you're talented. So it's win, win, win all the way around.
- [73:07]
Allison Rosen
I have a question about your album, actually. Yeah? Do you play with a band, or is it solo or.
- [73:12]
Schuyler Fisk
It's both. I mean, I'm technically a solo artist, so, you know, I don't have, like, a set band, but when I'm touring, a lot of times it is with the band. Sometimes it's more acoustic. This record was with the band.
- [73:24]
Adam Carolla
I have a question about the new film, which is coming out September 16th. Directed by Gus Van Zant. WR Gus. How's that going?
- [73:33]
Schuyler Fisk
Good. Yeah, it's finally coming out, which is exciting because we. It feels like this is a couple years ago that we filmed it in Portland.
- [73:40]
Adam Carolla
Is Gus weird?
- [73:42]
Schuyler Fisk
He's really cool, but weird. He's like super mellow, but weird. I don't know. I mean, people have different.
- [73:49]
Adam Carolla
I've never met the man. He just feels weird to me.
- [73:51]
Allison Rosen
Would Adam think he's weird?
- [73:54]
Schuyler Fisk
He might think you're weird.
- [73:55]
Adam Carolla
What? Moi? No.
- [73:57]
Schuyler Fisk
I don't know. He's. He's just extremely smart. He has this very kind of quiet, like, genius thing that's kind of going on with him. And it was really a crazy, like, mellow vibe on the set.
- [74:11]
Adam Carolla
Where'd you shoot it?
- [74:12]
Schuyler Fisk
We shot it up in Portland, which is where he lives and does most of his films, actually.
- [74:18]
Adam Carolla
And what is. What's the film about?
- [74:21]
Schuyler Fisk
It's. It's kind of a coming of age love story between those two characters right there on the. On the poster. That's Mia Wasikowska and Henry Hopper. And it kind of has these kind of bizarre circumstances surrounding this coming of age love story. And I play Mia's older sister, and I kind of am like this overprotective, almost like a mother figure to her.
- [74:48]
Adam Carolla
Now, when your mom sees this stuff, is it. Are you nervous? Do you feel like. I know she knows the craft. I know she's, you know, she's a mom, but she's also judging a little or watching with a slightly critical eye as someone who does it.
- [75:02]
Schuyler Fisk
I'm kind of nervous for anyone to ever, like, you know, see my work or listen to my music because, I don't know, it's something that's so personal to me and something that I kind of put everything I have into. But, you know, it's great because, you know, my mom is a great actress and she. I'm able to use her, you know, when I have scenes I want to work on, I do over the phone. We go over.
- [75:22]
Adam Carolla
Does she ever give this snarky, interesting choice?
- [75:25]
Schuyler Fisk
I was just like, I wouldn't done it that way. No, she really pushes my buttons, you know, and it's a good thing because it ultimately gets me to, like, a better place. But there's good things, but it drives me crazy.
- [75:38]
Allison Rosen
Pushes your buttons.
- [75:40]
Schuyler Fisk
Like, you know, she just like, no, that wasn't good. You know, that's okay. I didn't believe that or whatever it is.
- [75:46]
Adam Carolla
Oh, really?
- [75:47]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah. She doesn't hold back. Well, that's it's good. Cause I know when she's telling me the truth. I mean, when she's telling me something good, it's really true, Right? Because she tells me when it's not, you know?
- [75:57]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. No, I got scared, and sometimes she's.
- [75:59]
Schuyler Fisk
Like, do you not want my opinion? I'm like, no, I do, but I just. Yeah.
- [76:03]
Allison Rosen
So, like, you'll run mine? I just didn't want you to think over the phone.
- [76:06]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah.
- [76:06]
Allison Rosen
And then that's cool.
- [76:08]
Adam Carolla
Really?
- [76:09]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah.
- [76:10]
Adam Carolla
Running lines over the phone?
- [76:11]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah.
- [76:12]
Adam Carolla
God, I'm so jealous. That is so cool.
- [76:15]
Allison Rosen
She's a fan of yours. Maybe you could do this with her.
- [76:18]
Adam Carolla
Sissy Aceman, Dancing with the Star, Season seven. Thank you. Thank you very much. Anyway, I got a big audition coming up. Gus Van Zant is called, wants me to play a role. Just wondering if we could run some of these lines. You're gonna need to play grizzled longshoreman. All right, what does it sound like.
- [76:37]
Brian Bishop
Now when you do talk to your.
- [76:38]
Adam Carolla
Mom and dad and I'm the gay cabbie. Let's have fun with it. Here we go.
- [76:42]
Allison Rosen
How should I know?
- [76:44]
Adam Carolla
My mom would know. What? Running lines. If I told my mom, you want to run some lines, she'd be like, I don't do drugs. I don't know if she'd know. What? That.
- [76:54]
Allison Rosen
How would I know that?
- [76:55]
Adam Carolla
Oh, I'd love to talk to my mom about running lines.
- [76:58]
Allison Rosen
How would I know that?
- [77:01]
Adam Carolla
All right, should we do a little. Let me. Let me hit a. Let me hit a legal zoom, and then we'll do the rest of the news. All right? And Skyler, you hang in and jump in and say whatever you want, all right? And you do it during legal zoom if you like as well. Well, you want to start that dream business?
- [77:21]
Allison Rosen
Yes.
- [77:21]
Adam Carolla
You got to be smart. Let's not throw away the cash. That means keeping legal fees to a minimum. That's why I recommend whom. LegalZoom. That's whom. Just answer a few simple questions online. Fast, easy. 100% satisfaction guaranteed. Trial tested documents personalized for your business. You can start a Corporation or an LLC for as little as Allison.
- [77:48]
Allison Rosen
$500. $600. $700.
- [77:53]
Adam Carolla
Get Sissy on the line. We'll run these. Laughs.
- [77:57]
Allison Rosen
$7.50.
- [77:58]
Adam Carolla
Get the hell out of here. $99.
- [78:00]
Allison Rosen
Oh, my God. I like what I'm hearing.
- [78:02]
Adam Carolla
Nine dollars. You're gonna win a Razzie for that baby. LegalZoom, not a law firm.
- [78:07]
Allison Rosen
Sandra Bullock won one.
- [78:08]
Adam Carolla
They provide self help services at your direction for Even more savings. Enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. Start your business right. Right. Protect your family. Safeguard your assets. LegalZoom.com that's LegalZoom.com all right, now, Allison Rosen and the rest of the news. And now, the rest of the news with Allison Rosen.
- [78:33]
Allison Rosen
The MTV Video Music Awards aired Sunday and scored its largest audience ever. More than 12.4 million viewers tuned in, which is up 9% since last year. Lady Gaga appeared in drag as her male alter ego, Joe Calderon. She stayed in Dragon throughout. Katy Perry and Adele won three awards each. Beyonce revealed she's pregnant and people are saying she stole the show. She performed her song Love on Top, telling the audience to stand up and saying, I want you to feel the love that's growing inside of me. At the end, she took off her jacket and rubbed her pregnant belly. She's about three months pregnant. Tony Bennett and Bruno Mars took part in a tribute to Amy Winehouse. Side note, it was revealed that there were no illegal traffic drugs found in Winehouse's body, but there was alcohol. The toxicology reports in total have not been released, though.
- [79:21]
Adam Carolla
I can't stand the fact. I know I was complaining about this last week with the Teen Choice Awards and all this stuff. I can't stand the fact that we give a shit about every 12 year old out there that we've formed and sculpted a society that's aimed toward 13 year olds. Like, what's Justin Bieber thinking about? What's he gonna do next? What is everyone on MTV gonna do?
- [79:42]
Allison Rosen
It's like you're inside my head.
- [79:43]
Adam Carolla
I got completely fucked. Skyler, you're young, right? How old are you?
- [79:48]
Schuyler Fisk
29.
- [79:49]
Adam Carolla
Okay, so you're not even 30 yet. Picture this. Picture this. See, I did that math. Picture this. I grow up in a society of what the fuck are we listening to you for? You're 14. Or what the fuck are we listening to you for? You're 10 or you're 19. Shut up. You're not getting laid. Here's a shovel. Get the fuck out of here. Now that I get to be that age that I'd always longed to be, where I'll be calling the shots. Like, I'll be the dude handing out the shovels and having sex with the 19 year olds. Now it's a reverse. Like, hey, old man, shut up. We want to hear what Bieber has to say. What?
- [80:23]
Schuyler Fisk
Well, I always heard, don't trust anyone over 30, right?
- [80:27]
Adam Carolla
It's the great Timothy Lee. I don't know who said that.
- [80:32]
Allison Rosen
It's Crazy to think about that though, that people actually said, don't trust anyone over 30 because now that seems awfully young now that I'm the other side of it.
- [80:38]
Adam Carolla
Plus the fact, you know, that guys are taking, you know, all their performance enhancing Viagra and all their human growth hormone and there's a bunch of dudes that are 60 that are walking around looking like they're 19. It's really weird handing out shovels saying when did, when did being. When did we give a shit about 17 year olds? You know what I'm saying? And now I feel like we built an entire society about how fast you can text and what the coolest song is and everyone pretending to be down with this shit.
- [81:09]
Allison Rosen
It does seem that culture is skewing younger and I mean, I have a feeling everyone says that, but I'm saying it too.
- [81:15]
Adam Carolla
Since when did you have millionaires back in the day? Did millionaires walk around in cargo shorts and flip flops and pretending like they were down with everything that was going on in the culture? No. They wore like monocles and top hats and when they got really upset, their monocle fell into the brandy snifter.
- [81:31]
Allison Rosen
It was hard for them to button their vest over their pot belly.
- [81:34]
Adam Carolla
Right. This is great. Days when guys owned railroads and stuff like that. Exactly. They didn't.
- [81:40]
Allison Rosen
They did not collect 200.
- [81:42]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, you weren't rich. You didn't go to Old Navy and buy some $12 cargo shorts and try to fit in with Justin Bieber. It's like, fuck those kids. That's right. You'd yell good day at people. I said good day. I'm just saying, when did we start giving a shit about this and catering to all this? My kids are five, they flew first class yesterday. And my wife, at a certain point, point when my son, my son sits next to me, he's in a first class seat. He's like ventriloquist dummy sitting on top of 400 pound man. Like his feet are dangling off the thing. And my wife at a certain point gives me the look and goes, recline the seat, recline the seat. I'm like, recline the seat. Could the kid get any more comfortable? He's already sitting in a giant. He's sitting in a. Sitting in the chair that Lily Tomlin used to do her bid in is, you know, her little girl bid in parts. Can't even make it over to the edge after. Recline the thing for him. Jesus Christ.
- [82:41]
Allison Rosen
Did you consider having them flying coach? Because that's what my parents used to Do?
- [82:46]
Adam Carolla
Oh, they flew first class?
- [82:49]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, they'd stick us back. They practically just wanted to stick us an overhead bin.
- [82:53]
Adam Carolla
Smart.
- [82:54]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [82:54]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, well, we didn't.
- [82:55]
Allison Rosen
We bit were little. A little older than that though.
- [82:57]
Adam Carolla
I didn't know. I didn't. I didn't make the arrangements. I. I said coach was fine for all of us.
- [83:02]
Allison Rosen
But anyway, honestly, I think it's better at that age their first flight to have them fly together.
- [83:06]
Adam Carolla
Well, the good news is I get to eat all their food.
- [83:09]
Allison Rosen
And was it good?
- [83:10]
Adam Carolla
Eh, not too bad.
- [83:12]
Brian Bishop
Hey, stupid question, but do you have to pay full price for their first class?
- [83:16]
Adam Carolla
I didn't even want to know. It hurts too much.
- [83:18]
Brian Bishop
Can they share a seat?
- [83:20]
Adam Carolla
No. I'd like them to, but no. No. By the way, my wife got yelled at by my son who screamed at her sit down. When she got up to get something out of the overhead thing. Sit down and put your seatbelt on. He's already pee whipped by society like he's already. Oh my God. Yeah, sad.
- [83:37]
Allison Rosen
What if your kids wanted to become flight attendants?
- [83:42]
Adam Carolla
See, I would have to worry. The girl I won't worry about. She's a good looking or some fu. Money.
- [83:47]
Allison Rosen
The Internet. International Space Station may go unmanned for the first time in over a decade.
- [83:52]
Adam Carolla
Good name for asv.
- [83:54]
Allison Rosen
Following a crash of a Russian cargo spacecraft a few days ago, Russia has postponed its next mission to the station, which is Originally scheduled for September 22nd.
- [84:03]
Adam Carolla
You announce we're building a Russian cargo spacecraft. Doesn't someone have to just stand up at the meeting, go, well, that's going to crash? I mean, that sounds like something that's going to crash.
- [84:13]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [84:13]
Adam Carolla
Doesn't just sound like any Bruce Willis movie. Or does this sound like a plot.
- [84:18]
Brian Bishop
To a James Bond movie to anybody?
- [84:19]
Adam Carolla
Russian cargo spacecraft. That's definitely going to hit something. The future is not going to be bright for this Russian cargo spacecraft. It's just not going to work. Let's just stop it. Everyone. Put away their. Put away your mechanical pencils. Let's go to Quiznos. I'm not going to. We're not going to. This is folly. Sorry.
- [84:37]
Allison Rosen
Right, put away your graphing calculators. It's time to be serious. They hope to complete the mission by late October or November, but it's. But if it gets delayed again, the International Space Station may be left unmanned. The remaining crew who are up there now are set to return September 16, and that's been pushed back from September 8. They may push it back again. If I were those guys, I'd be thinking But I have this date circled on the calendar, and I want to come back.
- [85:03]
Adam Carolla
I've been holding this number two for a while, because if it gets out of that baggie, we're doomed.
- [85:10]
Allison Rosen
That would just suck to find out that you can't come back.
- [85:12]
Adam Carolla
Back. Yeah.
- [85:13]
Allison Rosen
Think how upsetting that is when you're stuck in some. In Phoenix, let's say. But to be stuck in space and you can't come back. So I don't know. So it might go unmanned. So I say we go grab it.
- [85:24]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. I can't figure the whole thing with space. Like, first off, the idea that we've come, you know, when Kennedy announced, you know, we're going to get a man on the moon and we're going to beat the Russians and all that, it all seems so cool. Cool. I feel like we've kind of been flatlining for a while.
- [85:41]
Allison Rosen
Maybe we have been more than flat. We flatlined, and then they just unplugged it. We don't even have it.
- [85:46]
Adam Carolla
I'm also one of these guys who, when someone goes, why should we spend $2 billion with NASA when we have crumbling school systems? I go, hey, he's right. And then some NASA guy will get up there and go, velcro and space sticks and tang was all invented because we. And I go, hey, that guy's right. I mean, I'm with both sides. Like, I like the exploration. I like the telescopes. I like the looking into the future. I like the black holes. I like the whatever innovations we learn here on this planet, you know, that makes it into automobiles because of the space program. I like the notion of having a space program. It just sounds cool, you know, it sounds like you're one of those countries that's hip and moving forward and doing it. It's like, you know, it's the.
- [86:28]
Allison Rosen
What represents the future, sort of the.
- [86:30]
Adam Carolla
Country equivalent to adopting a black kid. You know, it's like, hey, we are totally the Drummonds. Yeah, yeah, we're cool. Mr. D's cool. Like, we're moving forward here. We're progressive.
- [86:40]
Brian Bishop
We're kind of like Martina Nefta Love after Chris Everett returned.
- [86:43]
Allison Rosen
No, we're the Drummonds.
- [86:44]
Brian Bishop
You know what I mean? Like, she needed her to bring it out of her. She may have been as great, but you never would have known because, you know, the competition.
- [86:49]
Adam Carolla
Oh, we need the Ruskis.
- [86:50]
Brian Bishop
Yes, exactly. They brought out the. The space best in us.
- [86:53]
Adam Carolla
That's right.
- [86:54]
Allison Rosen
Well, we dropped out of the game, though. I mean, we don't even have a government space program. Anymore. Really? It's all going to be privatized.
- [87:01]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. All right, well, we'll just. Then that whole thing about, like, Richard Branson and going to outer space and paying 80 grand and all that. It doesn't sound that alluring to me.
- [87:10]
Schuyler Fisk
I definitely wouldn't want to go.
- [87:12]
Adam Carolla
I wouldn't either. First off, I've seen enough pictures. Secondly, almost everything I've done in life, where I went, I got to try that. And then I do it, I go, yeah, that's about right. Like, before I ever touched a boo. Booby, Brian. You know the pre Booby touching.
- [87:30]
Brian Bishop
Yeah.
- [87:31]
Allison Rosen
Which is. Which is what? When you massage things and wonder if that's.
- [87:35]
Adam Carolla
You start thinking, like, I want to feel my armpit. If I, like, relax my arm or something. I want to build it up in your mind. My cat's belly. Like, I wonder what's going to feel like. I wonder what booby's going to feel like. Yeah, you build it up for a long time and then you grab your first booby and you're like, yeah, that's what I kind of thought. It's never like, oh, my God. It's always like, yeah, yeah, no surprise there. I mean, what I'm saying is whether it's riding a unicycle, riding a wave, or grabbing a booby, it's all kind of like you kind of know what it feels like before you did it. And I think if you got to outer space, you'd just be floating around looking down, going, yeah, right. Oh, by the way, can I grab.
- [88:16]
Allison Rosen
Your booby because it's floating towards me. Yeah, Space boob, sweetie.
- [88:21]
Adam Carolla
We're in international waters, by the way. If there was ever international water 2 million miles from the Earth, I think I can grab a booby. Who's gonna prosecute me here?
- [88:29]
Brian Bishop
Maritime high Martians.
- [88:30]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, those guys from the Star wars bar. Please.
- [88:33]
Allison Rosen
Right. The bazillion Mile high class. Gotta be a member.
- [88:36]
Adam Carolla
Good chance. Also, I'd be pulling this line a lot. Oh, you didn't get one of the heat shields is out, so we're probably gonna burn up upon impact. If you want to get it on up here, just in case it influenced your decision. Yeah, we got to populate the new world, sweetie. The point is this. I just. I'm not dying to go to outer space. I've seen enough pictures. I feel like the picture part is more impressive than the you see it part. And I think the first batch to go up there is going to come down talking a lot of shit like, oh, man, oh no, you got to go. You know, like they do that thing where guys do it. Oh yeah, right. Oh, you haven't. And then you do do it and you go, big whoop. Yeah, I'm staying here.
- [89:19]
Allison Rosen
Here's what I want to know about outer space. And I can already feel people making fun of me for this question. But let's say you take off in the daytime. When does it become night? Like when does it. When do you. When is the light no longer there? I mean, I guess it's when you get far enough away from the sun. But all pictures of outer space are dark.
- [89:35]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, Yeah. I don't know how that works.
- [89:36]
Allison Rosen
All renderings of it are.
- [89:38]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, it's a good, good question. Something with the stratosphere there. I said a big word and we can move on.
- [89:43]
Allison Rosen
You really did. Now the first time you felt a vagina, how was that compared to your expectations?
- [89:51]
Adam Carolla
Everything is a three.
- [89:53]
Allison Rosen
It's all on a scale of what?
- [89:56]
Adam Carolla
No, everything is sort of like meh, it's about right. That's no big surprise here. No big surprise.
- [90:06]
Brian Bishop
Is there a list of things in your life that have exceeded expectations, experiences or something?
- [90:11]
Adam Carolla
There's some things that don't seem as good as they're gonna be and then are actually better. Like fish and cheese, chips.
- [90:19]
Allison Rosen
Most fish products I feel like are that way in newspaper.
- [90:23]
Adam Carolla
Doesn't feel like a great day, but it's fucking awesome. And a side of something, it looks like somebody, you know, jacked off a bowl into a thing with some lemon. It just doesn't look that great. And then you go, this is fucking great. This is awesome. So boobies, you know, have not lived up to expectation. But then there's fish and chips.
- [90:43]
Allison Rosen
Right? It's cause the bar is set so low.
- [90:46]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. And almost impossible to fuck up. Fish and chips. Like I've been to low rent places and have good fish and chips. I've been to fishing, you know, there's no place.
- [90:54]
Allison Rosen
It's true.
- [90:55]
Adam Carolla
You can't up fish and chips, even.
- [90:58]
Allison Rosen
If they're too greasy or the breading is soggy. Still pretty good.
- [91:01]
Adam Carolla
They put it on a sports page and it's still good. So I, I'd say fish and chips. Yeah, that's about it.
- [91:09]
Allison Rosen
Skyler, Fish and chips. Do you feel they exceed your expectations?
- [91:13]
Schuyler Fisk
I don't know if they exceed. Exceeded my expectations, but I enjoyed.
- [91:16]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [91:17]
Schuyler Fisk
Had some in London.
- [91:19]
Adam Carolla
It's also one of these things where I make the proclamation where I'm like, I'm fucking eating this twice a week. For the next hundred years. And then five years later goes by, and I'm like, I never ate any fish and chips. You made that proclamation, I eat fish and chips. And I make the same fish and chip proclamation as I make with egg salad, which is. I go, why don't I eat more egg salad? I love egg salad. This is fucking great. This is an awesome sandwich. And then two years goes by and I haven't had any chips or egg salad.
- [91:46]
Allison Rosen
You've got to do something about that.
- [91:48]
Adam Carolla
I've decided that there's a turkey to egg salad ratio that's way off.
- [91:52]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [91:53]
Adam Carolla
I've decided that people eat 10 turkey sandwiches for every half an egg salad they eat. But ultimately, egg salad. If someone was taking you to the electric chair and said, you want a turkey or egg salad? You go, give me the egg salad. I think we like egg salad. I know there's a caloric thing that needs to be factored in, but I'm saying I think we eat way more turkey than we even like.
- [92:14]
Allison Rosen
Oh, yeah, for sure.
- [92:15]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. It's like the de facto. I don't give a shit who's going on a run, get me a turkey sandwich. How badly can Subway fuck this up?
- [92:22]
Allison Rosen
Right? But it's never great.
- [92:24]
Adam Carolla
Very rarely.
- [92:25]
Allison Rosen
Are you ever excited by the turkey sandwich?
- [92:27]
Adam Carolla
No, no, no. It's always a working. It's. I'm gonna be eating while I'm standing up, thinking about something else sandwich.
- [92:33]
Allison Rosen
Right.
- [92:33]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah.
- [92:34]
Brian Bishop
I love the fish and chips. Like the Hawaiian shirts of food. Like, you go to Hawaii like you just did, and you're like, I'm wearing a Hawaiian shirt every day for the rest of my life. So you are in your regular clothes.
- [92:43]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I know. Again, if people, you know, when they get together for the fish and chip meetings, you know, when they. When they have whatever their version of, I don't know, the tail hook is or whatever, you know, when the fish and chip merchants, the Gorton Ball, when they get together. Yeah. They gotta go, man. If people ate as much as our product as they announced that they were gonna eat, we'd all be flying private golden jets here right now instead of Southwest.
- [93:10]
Allison Rosen
I have an announcement in honor of Uncle Frank. His family has set up a nonprofit charitable fund to assist organizations or people who need an Uncle Frank style hand. In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the Uncle Frank Potenza Helping Hand Fund. And we have the address here, which we will put up on our website when this episode is up. So go there and donate.
- [93:31]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. That is Jimmy's Uncle Frank. And he had such big, strong hands that even I visited him in the hospital about a week before he passed. And he still had that big old. Big old strong mid on him. All right, one more. Are you doing good on the news? How do you feel, baby? Mm.
- [93:49]
Allison Rosen
Well, I do have one more, which is exciting. The new cast of Dancing with the Stars was announced on Monday night during Monday's episode of Bachelor Pad 2, which I'm obsessed with. I don't know if you're watching this or not.
- [94:03]
Adam Carolla
I keep running into it. And when people are, like, in bikinis having bataka bat fights, it's hard to turn away. I know somebody's figured it out. Somebody went. At a certain point, all the executives went, look, we can bust our hump riding Parks and Recreation and Community and get a 1.5 and all the whatever accolades in the world. World. Or we can just take a bunch of dumb people and put them in bathing suits and have them fight in a swimming pool and we'll get a 7 share. You know, fuck it.
- [94:35]
Allison Rosen
It's must see TV.
- [94:37]
Adam Carolla
Like, you can't go wrong.
- [94:38]
Allison Rosen
So, yeah, it's on there right now.
- [94:42]
Adam Carolla
It's sad, but it's true. You just sit there. You just go, we're gonna have to.
- [94:45]
Allison Rosen
Talk about this after. So they announced the Dancing with the Stars cast, though, and it'll be Ricki Lake, Ron Artest, China Phillips, Kristin Cavallari, David Arquette, Carson Kressley, Nancy Griffin, Grace Jr. Martinez, Hope Solo, Robert Kardashian, Elizabetta Canales, and Chaz Bono.
- [95:03]
Adam Carolla
All right, so Elizabetta is on there because she dated George Clooney.
- [95:07]
Allison Rosen
Yes.
- [95:09]
Adam Carolla
I. I'm looking at the soap star, but he looked like he was burning an acid fire or something.
- [95:16]
Allison Rosen
He was. He's a former soldier, and he was burned over 40% of his body. And he's on All My Children, and he actually plays a character who was in Iraq, I think, which is where he was, and was burned.
- [95:31]
Adam Carolla
So he wasn't a soap star before the. This tragedy on the battlefield. Correct. And then Chaz Bono. Now, who does Chaz Bono dance with? Chaz Bono?
- [95:42]
Allison Rosen
A woman.
- [95:43]
Schuyler Fisk
A girl, probably.
- [95:44]
Adam Carolla
But Chaz. Chaz has. Doesn't Chaz have his. Oh, wait, sorry, hold on. Chaz has her junk. Her. Her. Female.
- [95:54]
Schuyler Fisk
I don't think.
- [95:54]
Adam Carolla
No, she doesn't. She did.
- [95:57]
Allison Rosen
He had the surgery.
- [95:58]
Adam Carolla
Oh, he had the surgery. They had so. Because I knew there was. They did the top and then the hormones, but I didn't know the bottom part got done. Somebody check into that.
- [96:11]
Schuyler Fisk
Did they do, like a documentary?
- [96:13]
Adam Carolla
They did, but she was. He was. He played it close to the vest where the boobies used to be, like on Oprah or something. I remember, like saying, like, wasn't. Maybe didn't want to spill the beans or I don't know what it was. I'm so fucking confused now. But somebody figure that out because it's ultimately about.
- [96:35]
Schuyler Fisk
Do you think that would make the difference of if he has a guy partner or girl partner?
- [96:38]
Adam Carolla
I think sort of what's between your legs is sort of the final call on the dance partner in a weird way.
- [96:46]
Schuyler Fisk
Isn't it?
- [96:47]
Adam Carolla
Isn't it?
- [96:47]
Brian Bishop
Well, Lance Bass danced with a girl.
- [96:50]
Adam Carolla
That's true.
- [96:51]
Brian Bishop
I'm saying he probably would have preferred dance with a guy, but between his legs spoke.
- [96:54]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, but it's not who you prefer. I mean, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.
- [96:58]
Brian Bishop
What was between his legs was ultimately the determining factor.
- [97:01]
Adam Carolla
All right, now I'm still trying to figure out what's. What's going on with Chaz.
- [97:05]
Allison Rosen
Chaz is a he.
- [97:07]
Adam Carolla
Right. But the.
- [97:08]
Allison Rosen
And will compete as a he.
- [97:09]
Adam Carolla
The surgery was done.
- [97:11]
Allison Rosen
That is my belief.
- [97:12]
Adam Carolla
Although someone's gonna tell us.
- [97:14]
Allison Rosen
I feel like someone's telling us.
- [97:15]
Adam Carolla
Someone's gonna tell us.
- [97:16]
Schuyler Fisk
Did you enjoy that whole process, Dancing with the Stars?
- [97:19]
Adam Carolla
Oh, and now that I found out your mom knew me from Was. I'll tell you what it was as I've said it before, so I'll be quick. It sounds corny, but it is very. You will get an adrenaline rush like you haven't had. Doing other things you've. You've done. You know, you're used to going out on stage. I'm used to going out on stage. You're used to playing music or acting. I'm used to doing whatever I'm doing. But I knew when I did this, I was gonna be completely out of my element. And I was sort of looking forward to it and dreading it at this at the same time. But I knew that was probably a good thing. Like, I wanted to know that feeling of being scared shitless, but. And sort of living in that moment for a minute without sounding too corny. It's why people do things that scare them. Because for that. Because afterwards, and also for that moment, what you try to do, what you're looking for. I mean, this is what drugs are for, and this is what sex is for, and this is what booze is for. And this is what guys who ride 40 foot waves. This is what this is for. And this is what skydiving is for. For whatever that moment is that you're doing that you're not thinking about anything else. Else. And most part of your life, you're thinking about other things. I mean, when you're driving your car, you're thinking about something. When you're having a conversation with someone, you can oftentimes be thinking about something. But when you're falling from an airplane, you're not really thinking about much. And when you're out trying to do some dance that you learned two days earlier in front of 15 million people, you're not really thinking about anything except for that. For that moment, which is an interesting thing because you don't have that anymore. We're living in a life where everyone's staring at 10 flat screen panels with 10 different shows on it and your focus pulled 10 different ways. So I just did it because it sounded freaky to me. Like, it sounded like I'm scared shitless of this. And that's why I thought it'd be a good idea.
- [99:20]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah.
- [99:21]
Adam Carolla
And you'll have that moment where that guy goes, and now dancing the pase roble. I don't know the dance anymore. Whatever. No, that's the once a city in Pasadena. Yeah. You'll be sitting out there and you'll go now dancing. And it'll go dark. And just for that one moment, your heart will just. You'll just be standing there. Just time will just stand still and you'll just be going, what the fuck did I get myself into? But I can guarantee you this. You will not be complaining. You'll not be thinking about a parking ticket that you got earlier in the week. You'll be not trying to figure out how you're going to save for your kid's college fund or nothing. Nobody. Nothing. You'll just be standing there, left in a soup of nothing.
- [100:08]
Schuyler Fisk
Yeah, it's cool.
- [100:09]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. And then they boot your ass off in week four and you're pissed.
- [100:13]
Allison Rosen
So Chaz did have surgery to have his breast remove removed, but has apparently is contemplating the surgery below, but is not saying whether this is the article.
- [100:24]
Adam Carolla
Would you guys like to apologize to me?
- [100:26]
Allison Rosen
I'm sorry, Adam. I'm sorry I doubted you.
- [100:28]
Adam Carolla
Apologize accepted. I. So the parts downstairs are the same as is as born? Yes, that's what we think. Right?
- [100:37]
Allison Rosen
That's what we think. But yeah.
- [100:40]
Adam Carolla
All right. Go to meeting. By the way, getting everyone in the same room. Room. It can be challenging. Although we managed to pull it off. Gotomeeting uses by the way, they have this new HD faces. It's a high def group meeting conferencing brought to you by Citrix. You can sit there. I don't know if there's. I don't know if it's limitless. I did it with six people donning a couple guys from six is the. Well, who the hell needs more than six anyway? Really. The other two will just be a.
- [101:09]
Allison Rosen
Holes and clog it up totally.
- [101:11]
Adam Carolla
Your computer. Clear video quality. Like being in the same room. So it's a conference call, but you get everybody on your computer and you're looking at everybody and you can see them make those wincing, you know, make wince when you have the bad ideas or smile or light up like a Christmas tree when you have the great ideas all there on the computer. You just need a. Well, most computer monitors have a camera in them now, do they not? Mm, yeah, that's all you need. Internet connection, Webcam, you're fine. GoToMeeting with HD Faces. Free 30 day visit. That's right, you can try it. Free 30 days visit GoToMeeting.com Click on the Try it free button and use the promo code Adam and you can try it for free. Good people, amazing technology. What else can I say? Also Carbonite. Skyler, you have a computer. Computer.
- [102:04]
Schuyler Fisk
I do.
- [102:04]
Adam Carolla
You have things on there that are important to you.
- [102:07]
Schuyler Fisk
Yes.
- [102:08]
Adam Carolla
Pictures of me, perhaps.
- [102:10]
Allison Rosen
I saw her mom's computer.
- [102:11]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, Little heart bubbles around it. But maybe you're working on a song. Maybe got some lyrics or something down there. Although if you're hardcore, you have to write them on cocktail napkins. Do you just get a big pile of cocktail napkins to use it on?
- [102:25]
Schuyler Fisk
Definitely, yes.
- [102:26]
Adam Carolla
But the important.
- [102:27]
Allison Rosen
Scan them in.
- [102:28]
Adam Carolla
The important things you have on your computer. I say back to them. Up. People always talk about the computer. Like for me it's not, you know, getting your computer stolen or having, you know, a pipe burst and getting your computer ruined. It's not really the computer. The computer is, you know, 1200 bucks, whatever. It's the thousands of pictures, the thousands of documents, the memories, everything is on the computer. So it's not really the cost of the computer, it's what's on it. Carbonite Online, they do a backup system and they will back up what's on your computer. And it's one of these modern day things that there's no way our forefathers would have thought of. But I think it's just one of these things you have to do now. It'll be One of these things where, I guess cars probably came out and people drove around for 25 years and then someone came up with car insurance and everyone went, screw that. And then at some point, it's now accepted. You get a car, you get car insurance. I think you get a computer, you get cars. Carbonite. That's where we're at now. Files automatically backed up whenever your computer's connected to the Internet. Easy to restore, and it's all there. And to have it in some salt mine somewhere deep inside of Cheyenne Mountain, that's old school. That's right. Unlimited backup is just 59 bucks a year. Yep. Under 60 bucks a year. You can start the free trial today@carbonite.com Use the offer code ACE, and you'll get two bonus free months. You can't afford not to back up what's on your computer these days. Two bonus months. Just by dropping my name, Ace. Carbonite.com. that's carbonite.com. all right, let's bring this baby home. We've talked enough. How they do with Skyler's page. Did I drop it? No. I'll give you your plugs, baby. Skyler. New idea, by the way, is Blue Ribbon winner available on Amazon and itunes. And the film Restless, out September 16th. Gus Van Zant behind the Lens. So how bad could it be? It's gotta be good. Gus does some solid work. Website is schuylerfisk.com and I should tell you that it's spelled S, C, H U Y L E R and Fisk. That's pretty easy. F I s k.com you can Twitter her at the same name. And Skyler, this has been just a little slice of heaven. Thanks for coming by.
- [104:56]
Schuyler Fisk
Thanks for having me come by.
- [104:57]
Adam Carolla
Tell Mama he said hi. I will. I'll sign some Capezios for the kid if you need it. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for bald Brian Scott or Fisk and Allison Rosen saying Mahala. All Right, that's Adam Colishow 642. Next we have Adam Colishow 662. LaShawn Patrick Flannery, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop, also from 2011. Check it out. All right. Oh, boy. I'm a little depressed. All right, so as. As you know, I've been going through. I'd have my knee surgery and then Molly had to have the rest of her ear taken off. And Molly's been driving me and my wife, mainly my wife, nuts because she's staying up all night and she's scratching and it's getting infected, and they took half the ear off. And then she scratched and got infected, and they had to cut the rest of her ear off. And now she's earning, Liz. And she's rubbing and thumping and, you know, she's doing this, like, you know, at night, making all. And getting up, and it's just been a disaster. And then you combine that with. I got my knee surgery on Friday.
- [106:18]
Allison Rosen
And did you get to keep your underwear?
- [106:29]
Brian Bishop
Let me translate. That means no.
- [106:31]
Adam Carolla
I really. I really don't know where to begin. I covered some of this when I sat down with Michael Moore on Friday after the surgery. The fucking gown. I shoved it in here somewhere. The gown. It's impossible. It's literally impossible. I tried. I tried as hard as I could to get the thing. I can't tie a bow backwards behind me because it's upside down and inverted, and I just can't do it. And also, the string on these things, it's not a wrap. If they had a wrap that went around you. Like, normally when you have a bathrobe or anything, it's a sash that kind of comes around you. These have two pieces of cloth.
- [107:14]
Allison Rosen
It's, like, designed to be tied but still open.
- [107:17]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. They're two ribbons that are about 9 inches long that for some reason, are next to each other. Not even one above the other, just one next to each other. I don't know why. And then there's a string along the top that I actually tried to tie in advance. And then slip my head through it. And then there's another thing of ribbon on the other side. It's just impossible to do without your ass hanging out that you can't overlap anything. It's fucking impossible. And even if you did get it tied tightly, if you're six two, like I am, it is up way past the small of your back, so your ass just hangs out. And it's all, you know, it's not hip ass or side ass or ass cheek. It's back, sack and crack. That's what's hanging out. And the question is, why? And as I was screaming, what I was saying was, is they do that thing where they go, look, everyone's comfortable. Everyone's a professional. These are physicians, you know, they're used to. All right, they're used to it.
- [108:16]
Allison Rosen
You're not.
- [108:17]
Adam Carolla
We're not. We're not comfortable with it. Right. Please give us some sort of alternative. And this thing has been around since what, Civil War?
- [108:25]
Allison Rosen
Yeah. That exact robe, actually.
- [108:27]
Adam Carolla
Yes. So it's really impossible to do And I just. You end up finding yourself, but the last thing you want to be called is uptight. You know what I mean? Like, you just don't want to. But it's also. It's a weird thing for me because there's a recognition factor. Like people are going, I know that guy. Oh, there's that guy from that thing. So it's not just ranger ass, right? So I put the thing on. And by the way, you're just in no mood. It's early. You haven't eaten since 10 o' clock the day before. You haven't drank anything. You're tired. You're no mood for your balls to be hanging out. And they give you the instructions, take everything off, put the gown on. So it was just impossible for me to tie the thing. So I poked my head out the thing and I just said to one of the guys, hey, man, could you give me a hand here? He did it the best he could. Could. But even then, you go down, you sit in a chair and they do a bunch of stuff. And then as you're getting out of the chair, your balls are hanging out and stuff. Of course, it was horrible. Anyway, got my surgery on my knee, everything was fine. And then when it was time to get back, put back together, you're coming out of it. So the nurse is in the little room with you where your clothes are with the bag and everything, and she's steadying you. And they don't just throw your bag and go get it together because you come out your underwear on your head, drooling, you know. So she says, you want some help? I have to be here with you sort of holding on your arm and helping you get your sweatpants up and all that kind of thing. And you're like, yeah, you're half out of it. And so she's like, all right, let's get your sweatpants on. She's pulling them out of the bag. And I said, I think I got to get my underpants on first. And she goes, oh, they took those. And I said, oh, yes, they did take those. And she said, I would have let you have those. That's the only that. And now we're at the point where I'm trying to pull the midways up with the gown, but so the dick doesn't do the weird flop thing, you know, where you're doing that. You know that move where you're trying to get the gown hung over without the dick hanging out. And she's standing there in the front, it's like you want to let me have these? Why isn't. Can't we work this out, right?
- [110:28]
Allison Rosen
She's actually like Nurse Ratched in a psychological warfare.
- [110:31]
Adam Carolla
Maybe she's just fucking with me. Yes.
- [110:34]
Allison Rosen
I'm not familiar with the dick flopping out thing. This is where your dick refuses to go into the underpants as you pull. Pull them up.
- [110:39]
Adam Carolla
No, there's a move when you're wearing a. Like a gown, a light, wispy gown. There's. When you're pulling something up underneath it, there's a 50, 50 chance. There's a chance you slide those panties up underneath the gown without anyone seeing a thing. It's sort of like changing your bathing suit at the beach. But then there's also a chance there's gonna be some floppage, you know, as the pant thing. Something gets caught and something. Something pops up out.
- [111:07]
Brian Bishop
You're like a seamless move where you're slipping the shorts on underneath the towel. You know what I mean? Like to extend the beach.
- [111:12]
Adam Carolla
But the towel hangs down past your knees, and the gown hangs down mid thigh. So not a lot of room for error there. So now I'm hanging out. As I was telling you, the weekend just kept getting worse. So now Molly's coming home and her ears cut off, and my wife's a mess because she's been up all night, and she's up all. Every night, and she's trying to feed her tranquilizers, and Molly won't eat, and Lynette's having to take the food in her hands and put it in her mouth, and Molly's just flopping around. And Lynette's. I'm. I'm good. I'm not good to anybody. My knees fucked up and wrapped up. And the kids are always their usual pain in the ass, you know, Natalia's like, you know, you tell Sonny, hey, my knees hurt. And you show her it's all wrapped. You show Sonny it's all wrapped up, and he's like. He backs off. Natalia's like, oh, okay, can I touch it? And I'm like, no, Daddy has a hurt knee. And then she'll go, okay, okay. And sort of tap, tap, tap it, you know? And it's like, natalia, don't monkey. And between Molly and me convalescing on the same bed, both told forbidden fruit, like, you stay away from Molly. Stay away from daddy's knee, okay? And then she'll just go running onto the bed and sort of thread the needle between the two of us. And it's like, It's a lot of that. You know, Sonny's one of those kids where if you tell him, hey, that's an expensive statue at the museum. Don't go near that statue. He walks the other direction. Natalia's like, shouldn't I cut? How come? Why isn't I. And so she's doing this weird kind of. She knows what she's doing, but she's patting on my knee, going, is that. Is this the knee, Daddy? And kind of patting on it like, all right, sweetie, I know what's going on here. I'll show you guys. It doesn't look like anything. They just shaved it. And the fetching bandage off. It was arthroscopic. Yeah, arthroscopic. It was no big deal. So now, thanks, as they call it, things start. Yeah, things start getting worse. I feel pretty good. I'm not taking any pain pills. I'm all right. My problem is, is I'm due to race the following morning and then the following afternoon, and I'm going to San Diego to the Coronado Fleet Week, and I'm doing my race.
- [113:23]
Allison Rosen
Even though you've been advised not to, right?
- [113:26]
Adam Carolla
I've been advised not to. Oh, yes. Oh, no. I mean, we're. We had a great moment at the hospital where Lynette's thing is like, look, I'll tell you my opinion on this stuff, and then you do what you do, and then I'll just think you're nuts. But she doesn't really intervene. She's like, look, you had knee surgery. You shouldn't do that. And I'd be like, yeah, all right, well, if it hurts, I won't do it. But if it feels good, I'll go do it. And she'll be like, all right, well, you're an idiot. But whatever. Like, she's kind of a. Kind of a person. It's like, look, you know, it's your poison. Go have fun with it. I mean, I don't mean that in a negative way, but I mean, like, when I had my hernia surgery, I just got up the next morning, I said, I'm going to the house. I'm hanging doors. She's like, are you nuts? You just had surgery. I was like, I feel good. And she went like, all right, nut job. And she just went back to bed, you know? And also, you know, I tell people, I don't even know the high threshold for pain. See, everyone goes, you have a high threshold for pain. And I say, no, I don't. I didn't feel anything. I woke up the next morning from, I had the exact same surgery Drew had. And he told me I was going to be floored for a week. And I didn't wake up and go, come on, man, gut it out. Like, I'm no hero. I felt up, I felt fine. So I felt, well, if I feel fine, I'll go do something, and if I stop feeling fine, I'll come home. But I just don't have that self preservation thing or that like, ah, I need to pamper myself or take care of myself. I didn't put any ice on. I just went home. I went up and down the stairs about 350 times. After the fucking interview, I mean, after the surgery, I said interview because I did it in the morning. Then I drove myself out here and did Michael Moore in the afternoon. They're like, no driving for 48 hours. It's so funny because when they said driving, they meant driving like an automatic. So I was like, all right, all right. No anything. So I was like, all right. So I was telling the tech chick that we were talking to, we're talking about on the Thursday show. I was telling her, yeah, I'm going driving this weekend, you know. And she's like, you ain't going driving. I said, I'm going out to Coronado tomorrow. I'm driving my car. And she's like, you ain't going to make that. This is before the surgery. And then she starts showing me pictures of her car and all that stuff. So now what happens is I'm in a weird place because this place is in San Diego. It's 135 miles away. I get home Friday afternoon, I have this. You guys would love this conversation. I've been up and down my stairs like 34 times now. Fucking Molly's a mess. Lynette is a mess. Everything's a mess. The kids are running all over the place. And for some reason, a notary is supposed to come to the house at 6 o' clock and we're supposed to sign a whole shitload of papers. And this chick comes over, over at 6 and then like, she's confused and where's the papers? And she's at the thing and Lynette's yelling, I'm staying upstairs with Molly. And it's like, well, you have to sign them too. Will you sign them? And then when you're done, you come up and watch Molly. She's sleeping, but I'm scared she's gonna. And then we'll take shifts watch. And then I'll come down and it was like, right? And then the kids are in the kitchen, and they're screaming, and it's dinner, and it's blah, blah, blah. And this poor notary, she said, although she did this, I was like, halfway up the stairs, and she said, I need to see your license. And I said, I know the information on my license. And by the way, here's a little life tip. Memorize your driver's license number the fucking day you get it, because you'll be asked for it 2000 times. And memorize your Social Security number. Those are two numbers. So I'm like, sort of halfway up the stairs, she's in the den, and she's like, I need to see your license. And I. I said, I can give you whatever you want, you know, expiration. I'll give you my license number. I have it memorized. So do you need to physically see it, or do you just need what's on it? Because I can tell you right now. She said, well. And then she did what all dumb people do, you know, where they don't answer the question. And I go, well, it'd be great if you had your license. And I said, well, my knee's screwed up, and my license is actually down the driveway in the car. I keep my wallet in the car, and it's quite a few steps away from here, so if you want the information, I can tell it to you right now. And she said, so you don't have your license? And I said, okay, do you trust me? Is it an issue? Do you trust me or don't you trust me? Oh, no, I trust you. Okay. Because I will give you all the information that's on the license, unless you physically need to swipe the license or scan the license or something. If you need the license, license, I'll physically go get it. If you just need the information. I'll be glad to give you that right now. All right, so you don't have the license. It's like the fuck part of fucking what? And I just wore. Lynette's in the next room hearing me give the super detailed kind of dress down. So five laps later, I just gave her the information. Although I made up the expiration date. I don't fucking know that. Who gives a fuck? Just pick your berth. Here's the key to that. Pick your birth date, and then pick a date that's like, not the next year. Just jump ahead three years, and who gives a fuck? I have my assistant sign half the shit that I'm supposed to sign for. It doesn't matter the point. No one ever checks any of this shit, by the way. And I'm not robbing a bank. So what? So had that little moment. So now I'm left with this. Do I get up early, drive to San Diego, go, and then get in a race car and drive the early morning session, practice session at 10am which would be just 24 hours after the surgery, or do I get in the car and drive a little bit later in the morning and drive out for the afternoon qualifying session? Or what do I do? So now I get a call. And I get a call from Les Kenneday. The guy sets up the car and he tows it out. Now, meanwhile, I paid to enter the race. It's 550 bucks. And the car. Car's towed out there, and it's all spread out. I mean, I'm 1500 bucks into this thing with fuel and whatever, and it's like, what? Pack it up and bring it back or don't qualify. If you don't qualify on Saturday, they put you in the back of the pack on Sunday, and there's 44 cars in the pack. So Les says. He calls me, goes, I got an idea. I said, what's up? He says, john Morton. John Morton's a legendary driver, and he's just a gun for hire. And he drove all those Datsuns back in the day, and he won all the championships in those cars back in the day. The day. And he's just a guy. Look, you've heard there's 500 race car drivers. You've heard of 15 of them. He's one of the others you haven't heard of, but believe me, many championships under his belt. And it was one of those guys who, if you had a $5 million scarab to drive at the Rolex Historic Races, you would pay John Morton to drive your car. He. He's a. He's almost. He's almost like a gigolo for cars. That's him standing in between. Yeah, you'd pay him. He has a professional gun for hire to drive your car. But he's a friend of ours, and he drives Datsuns and he drove Datsuns, and he drives everything. And so Les says, hey, Adam, why don't I get. I'll get John to qualify your car. John can qualify your car. He'll drive it in the practice. He'll drive. Drive it. And then you show up Sunday, and then you race the car. And I said, okay, I'll get an extra day's rest on my Knee, I'll stay home. And he says, all right. So then I talked to Les Saturday and he says, whoa, John drove the wheels off of that car. As a matter of fact, everyone has been coming up to me all day going, boo, that Adam can really drive. And I've had to tell him, well, that was John Morton driving the car, not Adam.
- [121:17]
Allison Rosen
You had to tell him.
- [121:18]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I know. That's what I, I said. And then I said, how many cars are in that pack? There's like 44 cars. Yeah. Where's John? Ooh, he's up there. He's probably like fifth or sixth. He's up there. He's up the front. He's up the front of the grid. And now I'm thinking. And I literally say to him, okay, well, that was the practice, like for the qualifying race this afternoon. Tell him to sandbag it a little bit because I don't want to come out with my fucked up knee and be shoved up to the front of the pack when I haven't driven the car car and blah, blah. You understand?
- [121:48]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [121:48]
Adam Carolla
Let's tell him not to go nuts. So now we cut to. It's the afternoon Saturday. And I was like, how? John drove. He drove the wheels off that car. He's got you way up front. Way up front.
- [122:01]
Allison Rosen
Does he only have one setting? Awesome.
- [122:03]
Adam Carolla
Yes. And he's a driver. It's like he doesn't have a half speed. Whatever. He put him behind the wheel the car. He's gonna drive the shit out of the car.
- [122:10]
Allison Rosen
Right.
- [122:11]
Adam Carolla
So now I'm like, he only knows two speeds. Fast, faster. Right. So now I'm like, all right, well, the race is tomorrow at 2:45. But I'm like, well, I better get in the practice session at 10am because I can't just come out there with my screwed up knee. With John pushed me to the front of the qualifying. I'm at the front of the grid and I'm going to jump in this car and have him drink driven it. You know this at this track this weekend or haven't been behind the wheel of it yet. I'm familiar with the track. I'm familiar with the car.
- [122:47]
Brian Bishop
To those novices like me, what the harm is in having the car in front of the pack when you didn't earn the spot?
- [122:53]
Adam Carolla
Other than honor, there's two, there's two parts of it. You are going to be pushed up artificially into a group that is faster than you can hang with, which means you're going to have eight dudes behind you. That are faster than you. Normally. It's a great. Just sort of nature sorts it out. If you qualified eighth, then you're the eighth fastest guy out there. And theoretically, the ninth guy ain't faster than you. He might be. He might be a tenth of a second, a hundredth of a second slower than you, but you qualify in front of him when shit happens and somehow you get pushed up and there's eight guys behind you that are faster than you. You. That means when that green flag drops, they're immediately up your ass. And you, you want it the other way around. You want to be up the ass of the five guys that are in front of you, not have a whole bunch of guys that are up your ass.
- [123:47]
Allison Rosen
It's like having a nerd test for you, and all of a sudden you're in advanced math and there's nerds up your ass.
- [123:53]
Adam Carolla
You're taking advanced trig and you don't know basic math. It's great to have the nerd test for you, and it's great to get you pushed up to the front of the class. But now you're, you know, you're an.
- [124:04]
Brian Bishop
AP history and you don't know.
- [124:05]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, you're in a. A four man relay team and you run a 15 second, 100 meters and that sucks. And so pretty sure, 15 seconds, not bad. But. Oh, no, no, no. 10 seconds.
- [124:18]
Brian Bishop
Oh, you're right.
- [124:18]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyone could run 15 the point. All right. Yeah. Still your rings off, dude, so. Oh, your rings never off. No, I took my ring off to drive. Should have left it. All right. Don't yell that on the fucking air. Oh, Bob's. You all right, all right.
- [124:34]
Allison Rosen
Because all the women will be rushing into the studio for their cheeks.
- [124:37]
Adam Carolla
I gotta find my ring. All right, So I mean, what ring? Your what ring? So now I'm like, okay, so he's qualified. He's driving the wheels off the car. Everyone's coming up. And not to mention Saturday when I'm talking to Les, I get the tech from the hospital. The chick has shown me pictures of her coming. Romero going, give me that phone. I told you you weren't gonna be here. I said I would be there, but Les said John Morton could drive Mike. And she's like, who's John Morton? I'm like, I said I'd be there to drive the car, but now we figured out this thing where I don't need to qualify and I can just race. And now I'm coming out. She's like, I came out Saturday. Cause you Said you were gonna be here. And now I said, come back tomorrow, I'll be here. She's like, I'm not coming back tomorrow. But I told you you wouldn't be here.
- [125:22]
Allison Rosen
The hospital came out to you, your race.
- [125:25]
Adam Carolla
There's probably a line crossed in there somewhere. But.
- [125:28]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, that's nice though.
- [125:29]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. We were sitting around before I went in and got my faulty EKG that told me I had a mild heart attack sometime in the last five years. And we were sitting around talking cars, and I said, I'm racing tomorrow. And she said, you know, you're not racing tomorrow. And I said, I'm racing around. She said, if you race tomorrow, I'm going to be there. And I said, I'm going to be there to, too. And then I got the call that said, do you want John Morton to drive your car? That's where the confusion.
- [125:54]
Allison Rosen
And you didn't, you didn't think to call her?
- [125:56]
Adam Carolla
The tech with the gumption, she doesn't have her number. And I. Come on, it's out in San Diego. Like, I didn't think. I thought it was just a bunch of, you know, I thought it was just a bunch of pre, you know, lung check talk, you know, a little light lunch, you know, liver and lung talk, you know, EKG chatter. Yeah, a little EKG chatter. So next thing you know, she's there, she grabs the phone from last, she's like, I'm not coming back. I told you. When I said, all right, all right. So now I got this fucking thing where I'm like, okay, I have to get there in the morning and I need to practice because if John pushed me up to the front of the grid and I get up there, I get up there Sunday afternoon, which means leaving my house at, you know, 10 in the morning or 11 in the morning, instead of the crack of fuck, I'm going to go. And those races start. You get one parade lap where you go sort of half speed around, and then they bunch you up and then they drop the green flag and then you go. And it's gonna. When it's on, it's just like a hundred angry bees coming at you. And I'll be up front and everyone will be in the grandstands and I'll be making a fucking asshole myself because I wouldn't have ever driven. I wouldn't have one practice lap on that track. So now I'm like, all right, Sunday morning, I gotta leave my house at six. Dirty. Well, of course, all fucking night with Molly. And the thing Molly Shit the bed. That night she was doing the weird, a drugged up snoring thing. I don't get a goddamn wink sleep. And I show up to San Diego. It's cold, it's overcast, I'm like hungover. I got no sleep. I just drove for two and a half hours to San Diego. And of course I got every ass wipe walking up to me going, hey, you were really cooking. I mean, John Morton was, was, have fun keeping up with him. And it's like out of a movie. Like, people like coming up going, you're up front with the big boys now, don't blow it. And that kind of thing. So now I'm like, all right, so now in this everything, you'll realize that everything's just conspired to what happened.
- [128:02]
Brian Bishop
Question is that allowed someone else to qualify for you? Obviously it is, but. Seems odd, right? Is that common?
- [128:10]
Adam Carolla
It's the kind of thing where there's no money on the line. People know. The guy who organized the thing knows that I won the Rolex cup three weeks ago at Laguna Seca. So there's not a question like, is this guy dangerous? Can he handle a car? Everyone knows I can drive. Everyone knows John Morton is basically professional driving driver. And everyone else knows I'm a good driver. I'm no John Morton. It's that sort of thing where like one guy's a scratch golfer and the other guy's a professional. You know, this guy's shooting 6 under, whereas the other guy's just basically, you know, shooting, shooting, you know, he's, he's just, he's just even.
- [128:52]
Brian Bishop
How good do the four guys feel who beat John Borden in the qualifying?
- [128:55]
Adam Carolla
Well, they are driving other cars. They're driving Janettas and Lotuses and things that shouldn't be racing with him. It's a huge pack and it's a mixed bunch. And it's like I said, when I was racing at Laguna seca, I had six cars in front of me, but five of them were these lotuses and they're 26 Rs and Super Sevens and they weigh 1300 pounds and they're completely different class, they shouldn't be racing.
- [129:22]
Brian Bishop
So this event just exists really for people to pay to enter their vintage cars and drive faster on the track.
- [129:27]
Adam Carolla
What it is, is there's so many classes and eventually they just run out of room and they run out of time. Time is basically the way it works is they have a stock car class, they have a Trans Am class, they have a, you know, cars under 2000 CCS before 1965 and between they have a million classes but eventually they just have to throw everyone, they have to throw them in. So you're not in with a bunch of stuff that's radically different than your car, but you're definitely in with cars you wouldn't be racing with normally back in the day. So it's not. No, it's not. Just hey, come on down and bring your vintage car. I'm in 62 through 66, under 2000cc disc brakes or something. But normally I wouldn't be racing with a bunch of Lotuses so those guys are faster and no one's going to beat them. Not in a bunch of Datsuns and Alfa Romeo's and that kind of stuff. It's a long story. I'll show you some pictures. The point is I go out there, there Saturday morning and I got a head full of everyone going, man, Morton was smoking in this car. Boy, you're up front now. Now I'm thinking, all right, I gotta keep, I gotta show everybody there's no drop off, you know, I don't want everyone watching me going, oh, what happened to Morton? Did he have a mild stroke? No, no, that's Corolla driving. Right, right. So there's a break between group four and group five. But they say grid up anyway and I'm like what about the break? And I end up going out on the grid and end up going being one of the first guys out there. Cause everyone el there was a break, even though I knew there was a break, but they said grid up. So I went out there to go grid up and I'm now one of the first cars out there. There's about four or five cars in front of me. And then what we're going to do is we're going to putter out onto the track, we're going to have a warm up lap. You got to get your car up to temperature, you have to get your tires up to temperature. You have to get the car sort of up to running temperature, warm up your tires a little bit. Yeah, you got to drop a digit on your car, get the juices for flowing, get the oil warmed up, get everything warmed up. We're going to take that and then we can start driving. And I'm saying to myself, you know, it's just practice, it's not qualifying, just find your lines, just do whatever. And we come rolling out on the track and as we're rolling down the straightaway, that guy's just waving the green flag and it's on. It's like on. And I got 40 guys behind me and all of a sudden I just get the red mist. I'm like, it's on, it's on. And I'm just driving and I got an orange Porsche in front of me and I'm faster than this guy and he's coming and we're dicing and he cuts off and it's like, it's like it's on. Meanwhile, I'm two laps in, I'm sleep deprived. I probably still have tranquilizers in me. Yeah, there's no. What I should be doing is backing off. Don't dice it up with the Porsche. Let him run. Find your, find your line. Slow it down. Don't care who's watching. Just get your, just get your, warm up the tires, you know, get your groove, get, get some seatbelt time. It's just practice for the race this afternoon. You've qualified. You haven't. John Morton's qualified. But wherever John Morton qualified you, that's where you're going to be. So just relax. But no, no, no. I can take this Porsche. And I got everyone's voice in my head, you know, that John was out there kicking ass. And now you're going to be. I don't want to see the noticeable difference that John kicked the ass out of that Porsche, man, and now you can't even get by him. I get by him. He kind of makes a semi aggressive move. I pass him again. Now we come in to the part of the track and Les said, you want to bring your BRE roadster out there, the one that won the Rolex Cup? And I said, no, I don't. Too much cement on that track. Too many cement barriers. I said, there's way too many walls. And there is a point on that track. If you guys find the Coronado race track, there is a point on that track where you go down a pretty long straight and there's a cement cement wall at the end of it, and it's not way back. There's usually runoff and some gravel and some tires and hay bale. There's just some wall. And then there's wall to the inside and wall to the outside. They're just cement barriers. And because it's on an active airfield and there's a bunch of gas tanks and fuel for fighter jets and stuff, they put the cement barriers. I want at it too hard. Next thing you know, I'm turning. I'm not turning, I'm hitting the brake. I'm locking it up right, right into the wall. And there's the aftermath of my beautiful Bob Sharp.
- [133:57]
Brian Bishop
What percentage of cars get wrecked or not wrecked, but I mean, you know, seriously damaged in some way. It seems like it happened a lot.
- [134:06]
Adam Carolla
For the intensity that most of the guys drive at. For as hard as the guys go, not all of them, but for as hard as half the guys go at it, there should be more car in, pardon the pun. There's wrecks and there's guys out there and it happens and it's less frequent than you think. You know what, it's one of those things. It's like guys dying in the Octagon. When you see the sport, you go, oh, my God, the guy's just choking the other guy until he can't breathe, until he passes out and stuff like that. You go, there must be four or five fatalities every weekend. And it's like, no, nobody really dies doing it. And you're still sort of like, for what you see, there should be more, but for the amount of racing these guys do, there should be more. But no, there's not that much except for me. I hit the wall.
- [134:58]
Allison Rosen
Did you hurt yourself, though? Because, I mean, how fast were you going when this happened? And for people who can't see the photo, it's a pretty banged up car.
- [135:05]
Adam Carolla
No speedometer, as I always say, so I have no idea. I basically had my elbow just. Basically one against the. I just.
- [135:13]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, your elbow is pretty bruised.
- [135:16]
Adam Carolla
It's also also one of these moments where I had a roll bar. And every roll bar in the car is covered with a, basically pad and duct tape because anything you're going to hit is covered with a pad and duct tape. And I had this roll bar that went over the top of the car and it sucked. And. And Les did a thing where he's like, let's cut that thing out and do it right. Cut that high roll bar out. The one that was covered with the pad. Let's cut it out and fix it and have it come down into a V like it should be. And it was funny. He fixed it and this is the first time I've raced a car, but I remember getting into the car and I went, hey, yeah, they did a good job on that roll bar fix. He did forget to put the pad on it, but other than that, he did a good job on it. Of course. Smash cut to my elbow being driven into the roll bar without the pad. I didn't even feel it. I was just so pissed off that I fucking destroyed the front of that car. And then, of course, you got to limp back into the pits. And now every asshole's got to come by and they're posing for pictures in front of it. Everyone. And at a certain point, you're like, it's just fucking embarrassing because people are cruel and they like to come by. What happened? A moth landed on the fender. What happened? Driver error. That's what happened. I was too hot and I didn't warm up and I hit a cement barrier. So it's all my fault. Any other questions? Well, what happened? You know, it's that sort of thing that people love. It's like that thing where it's a restaurant where you hear the dish break and you have to crane your head around what happened. You're in a restaurant filled with dishes, one broke on the ground. What do you think happened? Everyone Not. So the thing that's funny is we're parked right on the corner. It's like the main strip going down the middle with all the pits. So everyone's got to stop and everyone's got to go and. Oh, John Morton was driving the wheel. Then you get behind the wheel wheel. So at a certain point, you literally just put a cover on the car. It's like pulling a sheet over cadaver. Like, it's like having a corpse. Like, look, we don't want a bunch of weird, morbid looky loos. Literally put the. There's a picture of basically where we were. You put the COVID over the car, and I'm like, let's go. I'm go. Go take a piss. You go take a piss. You start walking back. You come back, people pulled the corner up of the COVID where the thing is and are taking pictures of the up car. Like the chicken.
- [137:37]
Allison Rosen
Taking pieces of it like a beach whale.
- [137:39]
Adam Carolla
Oh, man, I felt like, princess dies corpse.
- [137:42]
Brian Bishop
Do people take pieces of beach whales?
- [137:44]
Allison Rosen
I think so. I think they take tail.
- [137:46]
Adam Carolla
Oh, yeah, I got something.
- [137:48]
Brian Bishop
Oh, my God.
- [137:48]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Anyway, the blowhole is a bracelet. I should give a tip of the cap to the Hotel del Coronado, who gave me a free rock room. But then I scheduled this knee thing and then John said he'd drive my car and I never used it. They were nice enough. They got me the room. They were gracious and they were sweethearts. And then I called and said, I'm not coming out. And then I'll come out Sunday, sleep deprived and crash the car. That was my plan. So I just went out and practiced. Crashed a car after two and a half laps. Sat there and answered insulting Questions about what happened to the car for about an hour and a half. And then the next point, I just went, fuck it, I'm halfway having a beer. And I just limped around in my fucking flip flops with my knee taped up for the next two hours and then drove back home another two and a half hours. It was an awesome, awesome weekend. And the kids and the wife. Yeah, that's exactly. That was my weekend. Enjoying.
- [138:35]
Brian Bishop
I raced in San Diego, too, at the same time. You were racing also now? Bachelor party, actually.
- [138:41]
Adam Carolla
Good times.
- [138:41]
Brian Bishop
We did a tour of Green Flash Brewery, which is a wonderful brewery down there, but it's great. The one thing that I always pray happens when I'm with my friends, friends who don't listen to the podcast. A couple of fans recognized me and came up to me. They're like, oh, are you Paul Bryan from the Adam Carolla show? Picture with you. What are you doing here?
- [138:57]
Adam Carolla
Blah, blah.
- [138:58]
Brian Bishop
And I'm like, yeah, of course, by all means. And it's always great what happens in front of the friends who don't listen to the podcast because they're not sure what you do and they're not sure that people listen or know what you do. So it's always kind of like gratifying. It's like, yeah, people actually do listen and big in San Diego, man.
- [139:12]
Adam Carolla
Oh, yeah.
- [139:13]
Brian Bishop
A lot of people come up to me over the weekend and say, love the show.
- [139:16]
Adam Carolla
Good, good, good times. All right, let me talk about Gazelle real quick. Like all the latest gadgets. I got a closet full of this crap and then it's stuff's useless by the time you get it home. And I don't know what to do with it. And now, now you know Gazelle it. Gazelle.com, the leader in electronics trade ins. Oh, I like to trade in that car, by the way. People go like, hey, where do you get a front valance and a front grill and a front hood and a front fender for a 1973 Datsun 610? It's like, I don't know, when is the last time you saw one on the road.
- [139:56]
Allison Rosen
Pep boys?
- [139:57]
Adam Carolla
Probably not now. Gazelle.com Round up all your used smartphones and laptops and Digital cameras and MP3 players and ebooks readers. All that stuff, all that junk, that's no good anymore. It's all out. Update it and offer it up to Gazelle. Now, you know how this works, don't you, Paul?
- [140:16]
Brian Bishop
Brian, dude, they'll give you 100 bucks for your iPhone 3 if you want. You Know you want to get the iPhone 4 and you want to get rid of your iPhone 3.
- [140:22]
Adam Carolla
Right.
- [140:23]
Brian Bishop
Give you a hundred bucks up for that. You want to get the iPad2. You only got the iPad1.
- [140:27]
Adam Carolla
Send it in.
- [140:27]
Brian Bishop
They'll give you 200 bucks for that.
- [140:28]
Adam Carolla
200 bucks for that.
- [140:29]
Brian Bishop
Pretty good upgrade.
- [140:30]
Adam Carolla
It's also, it's a nice way to get like, you can't throw that stuff in the garbage. It has a bunch of heavy metals in it. It feels weird going into a landfill. You figure it's going to end up up on some beach in Africa somewhere with some guy barefoot, going through your liquid mercury and getting some sort of blood borne disease. You don't want that, do you? No. Then Gazelle it. That's Gazelle.com.
- [140:55]
Allison Rosen
I do not want someone to get a bloodborne disease from my iPad.
- [140:57]
Adam Carolla
That's right.
- [140:58]
Brian Bishop
See my photos?
- [140:59]
Allison Rosen
Yes.
- [141:00]
Adam Carolla
Don't sell it. Gazelle it. All right, let's take ourselves a quick break. Sean Patrick Flannery is here. He's done a lot of motor racing. I should have had him this weekend with me. We'll bring Sean in, we'll do the news all after this. Yeah. Welcome back to the show and welcome Sean Patrick Flannery into the studio. It's good to see you, Sean.
- [141:25]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Good to see you too, man. Nice to meet you.
- [141:27]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. I can't believe we haven't crossed paths yet. We should have.
- [141:31]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Myself as well.
- [141:33]
Adam Carolla
I started saying good to meet you. And then I start switch that to nice to see you because I could.
- [141:39]
Allison Rosen
Because you weren't sure.
- [141:40]
Adam Carolla
I got busted so many times where people go, like, I did Loveline on MTV like three times. And I'd go, oh yeah. And then I'd go, ah, fuck. I should have said nice to see you.
- [141:48]
Sean Patrick Flannery
I've adopted that in my life as well.
- [141:50]
Adam Carolla
Right. But we've not figured out a way not to cross paths all these years with similar interests. Yes, yes, I know. You're doing the Toyota racing, the celebrity Grand Prix. You won. You won one year. And then he came to back as a pro the next year and won.
- [142:05]
Allison Rosen
He does Brazilian jiu jitsu. And you love that.
- [142:07]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I love to watch the MMA stuff. I mean we could sit around and talk about cars and, and choking guys out all day. I can't believe I'm game. Got started earlier. Also one of the stars of the Boondock. Boondock Saints and overnight. And I like Boondock Saints as well, but overnight, one of my absolute favorite D documentaries of all time. I just, I can't that and the kid stays in the picture. I can't turn it off. Once it. Once. Once it starts up.
- [142:38]
Sean Patrick Flannery
It's a compelling documentary, isn't it?
- [142:40]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Pull that. Pull your mic up or lean up on it if. How about that? There you go. Yeah, just stay up on it. There you go. Yeah. Now, what was it like working on that movie? Because if you just saw overnight, you'd say, oh, that guy was nuts.
- [142:56]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Yeah, you're absolutely right. You know, it's a compelling documentary. It's kind of like, you know, and I have fairly sensible friends that, you know, after seeing, like, Sicko, they're ready to go to Cuba if they ever get cancer. You know what I mean? So it's a very effective documentary. I mean, having said that, when I saw the documentary, I was kind of shocked as well, right? I mean, I was like, wow, this is the same cat that I know and dig and go to barbecues in his backyard. And, I mean, he's just a solid cat through and through. And at the end of the day, when he made the sequel, you know, the whole cast, the whole crew came back.
- [143:27]
Adam Carolla
Oh, that's pretty. Actually, that's all you need to know about life. It's my second date theory, which is, you know, everybody. Here's what I always, always talk about this with my agent. It's like the. The ultimate compliment is the second date. Yeah, you can say whatever you want about how much fun you had the first date or how great it was or anything you want to say, but if there's no second date, that's it. And if it's a TV show and you go on and do the Ellen show, and they never ask you to come back, no matter how great they said you were, how. But if they say, oh, can you come back? Then that was a good first date. It's always about the second date. And in terms of. You can always tell if a guy's an asshole as an employer, which is if he can call.
- [144:16]
Allison Rosen
Brian and I are facing. Yes. What? What?
- [144:18]
Adam Carolla
No, I'll tell you what it is, because as a sort of former contract, there's a lot of these guys like subs, like plumbers, electricians, and stuff like that. They don't want to work for assholes anymore, or they got stiffed or they got, you know, what your people do down to them. Adam, stop being such an asshole and start listening to people. And if you. You show me a guy who can get up on the phone, call his electrician, say, I need you tomorrow. Sorry, I know it's short Notice the guy goes, I'll be out there, I'll show you guys a good employer. And I guess you show me a director, a writer, creator who can get an entire cast back together. I'll show you a guy can't. Can't be too big an ass wipe.
- [144:58]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Yeah, you know, you're absolutely right. I mean, like when I said it's a very effective documentary because when I saw the thing, I was like, oh my God, my eyes must have been shut. When did all this happen? But he's a solid cat and I mean, across the board, 100% of the people came out.
- [145:11]
Adam Carolla
It's a.
- [145:11]
Sean Patrick Flannery
His name is Troy Duffy.
- [145:13]
Adam Carolla
Troy Duffy.
- [145:13]
Sean Patrick Flannery
And you know, I mean, I mean, he's still a very dear friend of mine today. But also, whenever you watch his documentary, if you look back, they didn't interview one crew member or one cast member. Not one.
- [145:24]
Adam Carolla
Now, did you see the doc before you did the movie or after?
- [145:27]
Sean Patrick Flannery
No, after.
- [145:28]
Adam Carolla
Oh, yeah. Because you would have been freaked out if you saw.
- [145:30]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Yeah, I would have been like, oh, my God, who's this tyrant? Who's this megalomaniac?
- [145:33]
Brian Bishop
Do you think by the time you met him and production started that he had been humbled by the process a little bit? Because it was, by the time the movie was made, at least according to documentary, with several sort of iterations down below what had been planned? You know what I mean? Do you think he was humbled a little bit?
- [145:45]
Sean Patrick Flannery
You know, I was kind of there during the whole process. I mean, you know, I initial meetings whenever, like they were seeing me, who was like a no name guy, and then Patrick Swayze, you know, and Marky Mark and. Yeah, I mean, they saw like everybody for that role. It was kind of crazy. I, I mean, I'm surprised that they cast a couple of, you know, kind of no name cats like myself and Norman Reedus. But I was there since inception and I really never saw that version. But whenever you see the documentary, I mean, you know, I can't say that those things didn't happen because if it happened on film, you know, certainly said it. But I don't know about the context. I wasn't there for the conversations with all the Merriman.
- [146:22]
Allison Rosen
I haven't seen the documentary.
- [146:23]
Adam Carolla
What's he like in the documentary? You got to see it. I'll just ruin it for you. It just, it's like, it's like a guy who starts off like King Kong and ends up just slowly being almost like killed by tweezers, you know, just having every little thing Taken away. Everything going wrong, wrong. Just. It's like he just starts off like a combination of, you know, professional wrestler meets Babe Ruth meets Muhammad Ali. And it just. Succession after succession of, like, stuff going away and deals falling apart. And everyone is sort of. Every one of these things is met with the proclamation, like, okay, the label's taking the deal off the table. Fine. We'll produce our own record and we'll sell millions. And they'll come begging us to come back. Their label. It's like Smash Cut to, you know, Spinal Tap esque. You know, record Party. Like, it's so fucking compelling and Shakespearean. It's Shakespearean, yes. I don't know. That is. But I know what you're saying on a grand scale, is that that movie Bobcat did.
- [147:26]
Brian Bishop
Yeah, that's right.
- [147:27]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. And also, you know, you say nobody heard the name Sean Patrick Flannery. That's one of those good names where even if no one ever heard of Sean Brad Riley, you go, I'm pretty sure I know that dude. Yeah, that dude's an actor for sure, Brian.
- [147:42]
Allison Rosen
And I loved you in Dead Poets Society.
- [147:43]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Oh, thank you very much.
- [147:44]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Yeah.
- [147:45]
Sean Patrick Flannery
That was amazing.
- [147:46]
Adam Carolla
Compelling. I'm convinced that if. If. If you took, like, three good names, like, you know, you got Sean Connery and, you know, Patrick Dempsey and, you know, Patrick Swayze. Like, if you took three or four.
- [147:59]
Allison Rosen
Sean Patrick Dempsey.
- [148:01]
Adam Carolla
If you took, like. Yeah, like, Sean Patrick Dempsey. Like, some people go like, oh, yeah, that dude works a lot. He's good.
- [148:06]
Allison Rosen
I. I like his films. I like his TV series.
- [148:09]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [148:09]
Allison Rosen
Everything.
- [148:10]
Sean Patrick Flannery
My resume just grows automatically.
- [148:11]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sean Patrick Olivier. That guy's. Yeah, you just.
- [148:15]
Allison Rosen
Sir.
- [148:16]
Adam Carolla
I'm gonna work that out with my kids. I'm convinced Minnie Drivers Based her whole career.
- [148:20]
Sean Patrick Flannery
He's a great actor. His gender is questionable, but Great.
- [148:25]
Adam Carolla
Lake Effects is the name of the new movie.
- [148:27]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Tell us about that film I shot in Virginia. I play a tiny little role, actually make, like, a little cameo appearance, but a real character. It's a funny kind of heartwarming love story. Love and loss, you know, human story, and it is.
- [148:43]
Adam Carolla
How do you. How do you view this? How do we find it? Because it's not a big theatrical.
- [148:47]
Sean Patrick Flannery
You know what? I have no idea, actually. I think it's coming out.
- [148:52]
Adam Carolla
I'll tell you how to do it. You do it. You can go to lifeoutloudfilms.com for more information. Because there's this whole thing going on with movies now where people just go and shoot them, and then it's like, all right, we'll figure out how to get it out. We'll start a website and we'll do on demand or pay per view or this one won't go to the theaters. It'll just go right to the paper or whatever it is. It's also insane how many movies are getting shot now because of the technology. I mean, there was a time where it was just like technologically impossible.
- [149:30]
Allison Rosen
You had, it was so expensive.
- [149:31]
Adam Carolla
Equipment was so much. I mean, just the film, the processing.
- [149:35]
Allison Rosen
The prints, the guy to sketch every scene.
- [149:37]
Adam Carolla
I did a movie and, you know, I did a movie five years ago and it was like, well, it's $15,000 a print. Hammer, hammer. How many, how many prints do you want to make? And it's like $15,000 a print now. I don't know. It's all on a chip. I mean, it's insane.
- [149:52]
Sean Patrick Flannery
It changed the way they make films though. I mean, now that filmmaking is so almost disposable and free, everybody makes it without pre thought. You know, back in the olden days when, when in the 50s, whenever films were so expensive, there was only so many films that got greenlit. And those scripts were usually amazing.
- [150:07]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [150:08]
Sean Patrick Flannery
So there was a larger percentage of good movies in the 50s and 60s because.
- [150:11]
Adam Carolla
Right.
- [150:11]
Sean Patrick Flannery
It was so hard to get them made. Nowadays, everybody's shooting them on their iPhone. So literally less than 1/100th of a percent of films are even watchable now.
- [150:18]
Adam Carolla
And also, so it's funny because when you see, as the technology makes things easier, you see them overindulging in it. Which is to say, like you watch those old movies, they had scenes that would breathe. Like they had long scenes, whether it was dialogue or whether they were in a courtroom. Like they had real scenes that breathe. Tarantino do that now. But there's only a handful of guys that will actually. Scorsese will do it with a, like a scene will actually breathe. Now it's just like, bang, Smash cut. Wow. And it's all digital and it's so easy. They can cut it so quickly and so easily that they just go, tighten it up, make it faster. These kids are used to video games. Speed it up.
- [151:01]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Well, if you know it's not disposable, if you know you have to process the film, you take a lot of time to set up the shot composition, talking to the actors and whatnot. Nowadays they'll shoot 10 knowing they're going to trash nine of them.
- [151:12]
Adam Carolla
Right.
- [151:12]
Sean Patrick Flannery
They'll go, we'll block 10 of them. We'll have One usable one?
- [151:15]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. No, it's digital, so just shoot away. It's sort of infinite. We'll just change out the chip and you'll just keep going and. Yeah, we don't need. There isn't that sense of urgency and. Yeah, that film, like when you hear that camera fire up, you might as well just be listening to a slot machine because that's like. Soon as that thing fires up, it's like, here, here we go, here we go. That's what's going. It's money, money, money. Just rolling. And it's the film and the processing and the editing and. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Sean, hang out with us. We'll do some news because Allison has brought some. Did you?
- [151:54]
Allison Rosen
I sure did.
- [151:56]
Adam Carolla
Live from the International News center next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Allison Rose.
- [152:05]
Allison Rosen
Tonight's news is sponsored by Evoice, a radically better phone number. Click the banner on AdamCarolla.com or go to evoice.com Adam for a six month free trial. So Obama is in town fundraising West Hollywood specifically. He is speaking at the House of Blues and a restaurant called Fig and Olive. And tickets to the Fig and Olive dinner went for the low price of 17,900.
- [152:30]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. By the way, I'm so glad. I'd be so pissed if I lived on the west side because they did that fucking triathlon on Sunday which shut down the west side. And I remember doing the. How am I getting to San Diego? I'm gonna plan my route so I don't get stuck in this shit. A bunch of assholes trying to prove something to themselves. And listen, don't get me wrong, if you want to swim and you want to ride a mountain bike and you want to jog, that's your goddamn business.
- [152:55]
Allison Rosen
Just don't do it all in one day, man.
- [152:57]
Adam Carolla
Stop showing off. We don't need to see you doing it. And if you.
- [153:00]
Allison Rosen
So then how do you feel about decathlon people?
- [153:02]
Adam Carolla
Here's my whole thing about the decathlon and the marathon and all the things that end in a thon. You need to. If you cannot do it in a respectable time, then you ain't shit. It's like. It's like we're talking about the hundred yard dash. Look, if you do a sub 10 second hundred meters and your World cup class. My dad's 80. He could do it in 30 seconds. That doesn't mean shit to anybody. It's not really about. Did you complete it?
- [153:31]
Allison Rosen
I can do a two day mile.
- [153:33]
Adam Carolla
Can you do it in what time? I mean, look, eventually we'll all complete a marathon. Eventually. Eventually, I'm sure in the course of four months you'll walk a marathon. It doesn't mean you should be awarded a prize or you should eat a banana along the way.
- [153:48]
Allison Rosen
Right?
- [153:49]
Adam Carolla
So let's give you. Let's go ahead and come up with a time that would be considered respectable. Meaning if guys are doing marathons, you know, the man's male Record is 209, 208, whatever it is, 207. And the woman's record is 216, 217. Fine, I'll give you five and a half hours. Let's put it this way, we'll take world class. Double it and then we'll add another 50% or 25%. We'll give you six hours. Outside of that window, hey, you're just another jack off who's walking down the street in a pair of jogging shorts.
- [154:21]
Allison Rosen
Yeah. Outside of that, you're just someone who has a lot of hobbies. You like to bike, you like to swim, and you like to run, right?
- [154:27]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. So here's the time. You can do it. Get started at the crack of dawn and we'll wrap this shit up before noon. There you go. Yeah, but they still have like the streets closed off and the guy's dragging his ass in. And he's on hour 13 of what should have taken four and a half or five hours. What are you trying to prove?
- [154:48]
Allison Rosen
And a whole bunch of people gave him money for him to do this. I never quite understand that the sponsoring someone to do something like this.
- [154:56]
Adam Carolla
Oh, I'm dying to go on that AIDS ride. I mean, that sounds like the best fucking week. Here's the thing. No, I'm serious. I've had guys do that where they go like, we all get on mountain bikes. We start at the Santa Monica Park Pier, we go to the Golden Gate bridge. We take 10 days, we have. There's masseuses that travel along. It's like I'm busting my hump. I work seven days a week. I would love to take. Look if somebody said, you know, your daughter's wearing an explosive collar, and unless you fucking pedal that bike to San Francisco in four and a half days, her head's coming off. That's a different thing.
- [155:32]
Allison Rosen
But you gotta cover terrorist who loves cardiovascular health.
- [155:35]
Adam Carolla
That's right. Or the running man cardio terrorist. Right. But if somebody says, look, you gotta cover about 50 miles a day, you can do it at your own pace. There's gonna be a Whole bunch of guys traveling with you. You probably get laid along the way. We'll have guys massaging you along the way. You're gonna eat some cool food, eat some s'. Mores. That sounds like the best fucking eight days of my life.
- [155:55]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Are they guys massaging you?
- [155:57]
Adam Carolla
I gotta. Most of the dudes prefer the dudes on that. And you get a bunch of your guilty friends to underwrite the whole thing, and you'll be there, hero. I'll hang back and work so that I can make money so I can underwrite your bike ride to San Francisco. All right, all right, it's bullshit.
- [156:16]
Allison Rosen
But regarding this $17,900 ticket to have dinner with Obama at Fig and Olive, I was thinking, what if you had just saved up enough money and then you tried to buy your ticket, but it was sold out or whatever, wouldn't that actually be good news? Because you're like, ooh, Now I have $17,900 to buy, play with.
- [156:34]
Brian Bishop
Yeah, I don't feel like the people going to that are saving up $17,000.
- [156:38]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Give me that mason jar filled with nickels.
- [156:40]
Allison Rosen
Putting it in their shoe.
- [156:41]
Brian Bishop
Hand me the swear jar. It's time to break it.
- [156:44]
Adam Carolla
Well, it.
- [156:44]
Sean Patrick Flannery
It did actually kind of shut down the city. I. I own and operate a jiu jitsu academy right there on La Cienega. And nobody could get to it, so we canceled class all night.
- [156:52]
Adam Carolla
Oh, really?
- [156:52]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Yeah, the academy's closed tonight because Obama's.
- [156:54]
Brian Bishop
What's the name of it?
- [156:55]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Hollywood? Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.
- [156:57]
Adam Carolla
I know it, man. Oh, yeah.
- [156:58]
Brian Bishop
I used to live right by there.
- [156:59]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, a lot of pissed off guys busting boards out front of that restaurant, breaking bricks with their foreheads. Yeah, yeah, you can't get there. No, we do that with the city. We do the marathon, we do the triathlon. And look, if Obama. Here's what drives me nuts. And I know I'm a fucking broken record, but you're supposed to be running the country. Is there a more important job on the planet than running this country? I mean, I really don't. Other than being a mom. See, it's funny. It's funny. I love when people do that. Most important chat, being a mom. Can I have some money for that age? Right? Thank you. Thank you. You're all heroes. They're all heroes. All of them. Every mother's in it, even the ones in prison. All heroes. Right now, there's no more important gig on the fucking planet. At least don't make Americans. And last I checked, we had a couple problems with the economy and a couple of wars overseas and things like that, going out and clogging up traffic and charging 17 grand for a plate and raising money so you could get in next year. And this is really turned into back to the Golden Gate Bridge. It has turned to. As soon as we're done fucking painting it, we turn around and just start going the other direction with a paint can again. As soon as you get bit a little elected, you just go right back into. Just hit the campaign trail. And so he's not always campaigning for him. So he may be campaigning for other Democrats. They're the local whatever. Who gives a fuck. You have the most important job on the planet. Get to fucking get to work. I don't get it. We don't need to clog up. Somebody has to do something with the current system that stops everybody from going, I'm going to put whatever wildly important business I have on hold and go out and clog up traffic and do this.
- [158:51]
Sean Patrick Flannery
If they had one term then you wouldn't be in bed with anybody. I mean, as soon as you got elected you could do whatever you want. You wouldn't have to. You wouldn't have to support somebody and rely on their campaign funds to get reelected.
- [159:00]
Adam Carolla
Right. I'm all for the one term as well.
- [159:04]
Allison Rosen
After decades of external pressure.
- [159:06]
Adam Carolla
That term's 100 years. We should have read the differ.
- [159:11]
Allison Rosen
Yeah. After decades of external pressure from rights group Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah announced Sunday that women will be given the right to vote and run in municipal elections.
- [159:20]
Adam Carolla
Wow, that is so nice.
- [159:23]
Allison Rosen
They still can't drive. I know.
- [159:25]
Adam Carolla
They still can't drive.
- [159:26]
Allison Rosen
I don't think so.
- [159:26]
Adam Carolla
I mean like Asians can't drive or they just can't drive?
- [159:29]
Allison Rosen
Both.
- [159:30]
Adam Carolla
Oh, okay.
- [159:30]
Allison Rosen
I mean, I'm guessing not allowed to drive. Not allowed. Well, yeah.
- [159:35]
Adam Carolla
Oh, I get it.
- [159:35]
Brian Bishop
Like can't drive. Like a crash their dust into a cement wall.
- [159:38]
Adam Carolla
That kind of. Not driving with that Burke on though. Seriously, I mean what kind of peripheral vision could you have?
- [159:46]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, I know. Then again, you wouldn't have anything binding to prevent you from hitting the pedals or. No, but you could. You could easily get caught up in the flowing skirt part of it.
- [159:56]
Adam Carolla
I'm thinking more just about the vision part. All right.
- [159:59]
Allison Rosen
It's a maxi skirt.
- [160:00]
Adam Carolla
It's nice when other countries usher in shit that we thought everyone had for 40 years ago. But that's nice.
- [160:08]
Allison Rosen
Like anyone votes. California Governor Jerry Brown signed a law this week overturning a pro prohibition era ban blocking bars from serving alcoholic Drinks infused with fruits or other substances. Did you guys know this was illegal? I did not.
- [160:21]
Adam Carolla
No.
- [160:21]
Brian Bishop
Sangria.
- [160:22]
Allison Rosen
Under the old law, bartenders could be fined for serving fruit infused drinks like sangria as well as alcohol infused. Infused with spices, herbs or vegetables. The new law was authored by state secrets Senator Mark Leno after he received complaints from bar owners.
- [160:36]
Adam Carolla
This is really going to change some lives.
- [160:38]
Sean Patrick Flannery
This is important legislation.
- [160:39]
Adam Carolla
This is called impact type. This is what you call a game changer. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm tired of having my.
- [160:44]
Allison Rosen
Friends who are bartenders be sent to jail for serving vodka infused with pineapple.
- [160:48]
Adam Carolla
Thank God, by the way. And you know, I'm not bragging, but when I started a family, you know, I realized, you know, safety first. And we sat down and we had a conversation. If there is a terrorist attack, here's what our plan is. If there's a major earthquake or power outage, here's our plan. If the government, if the governor overturns this fruit infused booze thing, here's what we do.
- [161:14]
Allison Rosen
First, they come for your.
- [161:15]
Adam Carolla
So we meet tonight. But I can't, you know, that's all I can say. Undisclose the issue. Obviously, that's all I can say. But we do have a plan in place in case this ever happens. Okay.
- [161:24]
Allison Rosen
Scent of watermelon.
- [161:25]
Adam Carolla
I don't get it because I seem to feel like I've been going to bars for years where the guy had the vodka bottle with the papaya floating in and he went, hey, man, you want a little taste of that? I was like, oh, man, that's awesome.
- [161:36]
Allison Rosen
He was an outlaw.
- [161:37]
Adam Carolla
It's always funny too, though. The guy will have a. He'll have a big thing of vodka and it'll be stuffed with pineapple. And then he'll go, you want a taste of this? And then he'll pour you a little shot of it and you go, man, that tastes like pineapple. And it's like, it's always a sort of. Yeah, no shit.
- [161:53]
Allison Rosen
I'm not really surprised. It really does taste like that.
- [161:57]
Adam Carolla
With pineapple, you. Yeah, that's what it's been doing for a long time.
- [162:00]
Allison Rosen
Or even the water that has oranges in it or lemons in it or sometimes cucumber. I am always surprised when it actually tastes like that.
- [162:06]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Especially the cucumber.
- [162:08]
Allison Rosen
Right?
- [162:08]
Adam Carolla
Because you're like, all right, come on. The cucumber's a wallflower.
- [162:14]
Allison Rosen
It really is.
- [162:15]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. It's not gonna come out and taste it. Taste a little cucumber in there. Good for you. Cucumber.
- [162:19]
Allison Rosen
Let's discuss the cucumber. Are you pro or con?
- [162:22]
Adam Carolla
I'm pro. Cucumber. Pro.
- [162:23]
Brian Bishop
It tastes good.
- [162:24]
Adam Carolla
Really? Yeah.
- [162:25]
Allison Rosen
Sean?
- [162:26]
Adam Carolla
No.
- [162:27]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Flavorfully, no.
- [162:28]
Adam Carolla
Oh, well, it doesn't. It doesn't serve any purpose flavorfully, no.
- [162:32]
Allison Rosen
But. But just.
- [162:34]
Adam Carolla
No.
- [162:34]
Allison Rosen
Platonically, yes.
- [162:35]
Adam Carolla
Well, it doesn't. Here's the thing.
- [162:37]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Aesthetically, it's a handsome piece of fruit.
- [162:39]
Adam Carolla
It's not veggie.
- [162:40]
Allison Rosen
I don't even know if I go that far.
- [162:42]
Adam Carolla
Here's the thing. As a fruit or as something you ingest, it's not a. It's not a. You know, it's not a majestic butterfly, and it's not a cockpit. It's basically a small moth, which is to say, doesn't bother you. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, it's a cucumber. You find it in your salad or on your sandwich. You don't go chasing after it. You just go, ah, there it is.
- [163:03]
Allison Rosen
Sometimes I go, I don't like cucumber.
- [163:05]
Adam Carolla
I never do that. It's. I.
- [163:06]
Allison Rosen
Sometimes I do.
- [163:07]
Adam Carolla
I have the same move as I do when I see, like, if you see, like, a cockroach in your house or big spider, like, I gotta get that thing.
- [163:12]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [163:13]
Adam Carolla
You see, like, a small moth just buzzing around your entry hall, you're like, yeah, it'll fall on the ground. So, like, that's a cucumber.
- [163:19]
Allison Rosen
Whereas if you see an ant, you're like, oh, crap. That means there's more. Well, you see a ladybug, you're like, oh.
- [163:25]
Adam Carolla
When I see the ant, I always announce that that one's the scout ant. I don't know how I've decided. I've deputized them all to being the scout ant. Like, you see the one that's a scout, what's he doing? He's out front.
- [163:36]
Allison Rosen
He's casing the joint.
- [163:37]
Adam Carolla
But it's weird. You don't see. Like, when you see a hobo walking around you, he's a scout human. He's looking at a dumpster because he's got a whole bunch of other guys behind him.
- [163:45]
Allison Rosen
Hobos can't carry something that's like 40.
- [163:47]
Adam Carolla
Times their weight, but unless it's in a shopping cart. But cannot. Can't there not just be a rogue drunk aunt that doesn't get along with the other aunts? He's like, fuck it, I'm on my own.
- [163:57]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [163:58]
Adam Carolla
Or pissed off. Teen aunt. It's like, screw you, stepdad.
- [164:00]
Allison Rosen
Right.
- [164:01]
Adam Carolla
I'm hitting it.
- [164:01]
Allison Rosen
I didn't ask to be born I'm.
- [164:03]
Adam Carolla
Gonna do very things. Things you would not approve of sexually with other aunts. That's right.
- [164:09]
Allison Rosen
Like, what would that even be?
- [164:11]
Adam Carolla
Reverse ant girl. Things like that. You know what I mean? Whatever. I'm just saying, why does everyone have to be a scout?
- [164:18]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, you're right. I don't know.
- [164:22]
Brian Bishop
Potato bug style.
- [164:24]
Adam Carolla
I also feel like, can you guys.
- [164:26]
Allison Rosen
Moot doing the roly poly?
- [164:28]
Adam Carolla
Can you guys tell me if this has happened with ants? And maybe there's something going on with all the cell phones or something that's screwing up the magnetic field or something. Or maybe it's what Al Gore's talking about. Maybe it's the ice caps, the poles melting. Something. Something's going on.
- [164:41]
Allison Rosen
I feel like a lot of science is about to come our way.
- [164:44]
Adam Carolla
A lot. Sit back. I'm gonna hit your. I'm gonna hit you with some science. When I was a kid, I felt like ants knew what they were doing. Like, no. I would listen, Pull up a stump and listen to Grandpa. I would come walking into my kitchen when I was a kid and I'd see a line of ants and I'd follow them into the cat food dish, you know, Tell me about that, Grandpa Corolla, the cat food food dish. Or you'd come walking in, there'd be a bunch of ants. There'd be a plate up on the thing with some potatoes or something. Somebody, piece of pie, bunch of ants on it.
- [165:17]
Allison Rosen
Or you'd follow them to a picnic.
- [165:19]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, you'd follow them right to a picnic. They all get together and pick up old cake and walk away. But somebody would say, hey, you gotta rinse that dish out. Cause you're getting the ants. I walk into my house now, I just see ants wandering around like they're burning mad. Like I don't know where I'm at. I'm not on any food. I'm just kind of cruising.
- [165:36]
Allison Rosen
I mean, straightening iron.
- [165:37]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I'm in my living room. I got them in my bathroom. There's. What are you eating? Talcum. Like, there's a little hair gel there and some barbershop. What the Are you eating in my bathroom? Yeah, like, there's nothing here for you.
- [165:49]
Allison Rosen
This is a recent revelation.
- [165:50]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, she does. Yeah. No.
- [165:52]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Why would you not?
- [165:53]
Adam Carolla
By the way, when you roll with the guys in the jiu jitsu class, they appreciate when you. When you put some ball powder on, believe you me.
- [165:59]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Gotta dust up the sack.
- [166:00]
Adam Carolla
That's right. Dusting up that.
- [166:01]
Allison Rosen
I don't.
- [166:02]
Adam Carolla
You feel like Answer just. Yeah, they're Lost.
- [166:05]
Allison Rosen
They've lost. They're not organized anymore. They're aimless.
- [166:08]
Adam Carolla
They're aimless ants.
- [166:10]
Allison Rosen
I hope they're listening and I hope they come together.
- [166:13]
Adam Carolla
They're too disorganized. I'm just saying.
- [166:15]
Allison Rosen
I've never even. I haven't even seen two in a long time.
- [166:17]
Adam Carolla
I see them in my kitchen. One's going this way, the other's going that way. And none of them are heading toward the food. It's like, get on the food and at least give me something to do here.
- [166:25]
Allison Rosen
Or ask for directions.
- [166:26]
Adam Carolla
That's right. So that was that. That was that.
- [166:30]
Allison Rosen
Danny DeVito appeared on the View last week with some advice for Sherri and Joy, both of whom are recently married. This is going to be upsetting. He said, well, yes, the thing is, you've got to fuck a lot, bang a lot, do a lot, get a lot of banging going on.
- [166:48]
Adam Carolla
Is he going insane with his. He's taking pictures of his troll feet everywhere and he's sucking his limoncello.
- [166:56]
Allison Rosen
Yeah. Bang a lot, do a lot, get a lot of banging going on. Just do it. Do it in the road, do it on the floor, do it in the back. And then he went on to say, there are other things you can do, too. You can do sex all different kinds of ways. The up way, the down way, the front way, the back way, inside out way, but you've got to use a lot of oil. What's the inside out way?
- [167:18]
Adam Carolla
Do I have to now picture him and Rhea Perlman doing it? Because I have to.
- [167:22]
Allison Rosen
How have you not already?
- [167:24]
Sean Patrick Flannery
He doesn't strike me as a cat that throws his leg over it every day.
- [167:26]
Adam Carolla
He just does. No, no. I think what I think. Somebody stop me if I'm wrong. I don't know him at all, but I think at some point he felt old. At some point, he, like, hit 55 or something or 60 or something. And he went like, man, I'm old. And he went, how do I act the opposite of old. And then it's like, here I am at the Weezer concert, front row in the mosh pit, and here I am just acting. Speaking like sort of doing almost adolescent behavior.
- [168:00]
Brian Bishop
I feel like the TV show has liberated him, too. Always sunny in Philadelphia.
- [168:04]
Adam Carolla
Right.
- [168:04]
Brian Bishop
He acts that character now. He's kooky.
- [168:06]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [168:07]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Wasn't hammered on the View a few years ago.
- [168:09]
Allison Rosen
Yes.
- [168:10]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. I think he went out and had his limoncello or whatever shots with Clooney or something.
- [168:15]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Before it was illegal.
- [168:16]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. And now he's. Yeah. Making A scene. He's like at raves at everything. I think he's. I mean, I think he's having a good time. I just think he's decided. A lot of people sort of try to turn the clock back via their behavior. Turning the clock back with a bottle of Grecian formula and adolescent behavior is no way to go. No.
- [168:37]
Allison Rosen
It makes you seem desperate.
- [168:38]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, it seems weird, right? The real way to do it.
- [168:41]
Allison Rosen
Do you even want to address what.
- [168:43]
Adam Carolla
Inside out way is through surgery. That's a prolapse. Stain us. Who's he on with? I'm watching him.
- [168:51]
Allison Rosen
Well, this is. This is his drunken appearance. And that's Rosie.
- [168:54]
Adam Carolla
Tell them.
- [168:55]
Allison Rosen
I'm so jealous.
- [168:58]
Adam Carolla
Rosie looks. I don't want to say thin there, but unfat seven.
- [169:03]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [169:04]
Adam Carolla
Lemon cellos. That was gonna get me.
- [169:06]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Oh, you're right. Lemon cellos.
- [169:09]
Adam Carolla
Not really. I'm not gonna do. Wait a while. Wait a couple of minutes. Oh, yeah. I have been to the White House. Going to your White House.
- [169:22]
Allison Rosen
Right under Appletini as things. I don't want to drink.
- [169:25]
Adam Carolla
Besides, I don't want to live in a world where Whoopi's not on the View. So stop this madness right now.
- [169:30]
Brian Bishop
Do you have thoughts on DeVito as a comic actor? I think he's possibly underrated, if that's even possible. He's hilarious.
- [169:36]
Allison Rosen
He was great in Ruthless People.
- [169:38]
Adam Carolla
He's great in everything. Yeah, he's a talented guy. It's so hard to tell because of his. His build and you get so sort of caught up in his physicality and everything. But I mean, Louis De Palma was one of the all time great sitcom characters. I mean, you know, from Taxi. Obviously I've dug him since Taxi. Unbelievable in that. I mean, just unbelievable.
- [170:00]
Allison Rosen
Marathon swinner. Swinner. Marathon swimmer Diana Nyad spent more than 40 hours in the shark filled waters between Cuba and the Florida Keys before.
- [170:09]
Adam Carolla
Climbing into Sean had to cancel his jiu jitsu class that night because that bitch was swimming by the fucking dojo. Everyone was something to prove.
- [170:17]
Allison Rosen
I know.
- [170:18]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Diana Nyad, she. Diana Nyad was famous from like the 70s.
- [170:23]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [170:24]
Adam Carolla
And it was back when we had nothing to put on tv. So they would put barrel jumping and long distance swimming. I mean, imagine that. Hey, we got long distance swimming. Could there be any more boring thing to watch?
- [170:39]
Allison Rosen
I don't think so.
- [170:40]
Adam Carolla
Endurance swimming.
- [170:42]
Sean Patrick Flannery
They need to tell me after it's happened. Did she make it or not?
- [170:44]
Adam Carolla
But I don't know. I don't want to say the during.
- [170:47]
Allison Rosen
Well, she called it off because she was stung by Portuguese man o War. And the doctor said that if she was stung one more time, it would possibly be deadly, so she backed out. Wimp.
- [170:58]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, that's what I named my junk, by the way. Portuguese man of war.
- [171:03]
Allison Rosen
Apparently she had a neoprene mask and she cut eye holes and a mouth hole out of it and like, wore that to sort of prevent the stings.
- [171:11]
Adam Carolla
What's up? Can we find a picture? I mean, it's like a jellyfish, right?
- [171:17]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, it. Yes, yes, but what were you gonna say? It's a jellyfish, but it's also a bunch of things sort of working together, I guess.
- [171:23]
Adam Carolla
I feel. I feel like we call them Portuguese men of war and they now have to live up to their reputation and be assholes. Sort of like when you name a kid Jesse James something, he's gonna be a bully and a dick.
- [171:37]
Allison Rosen
Or like if you accuse someone of being a cheater, even if they aren't, eventually they will be.
- [171:41]
Adam Carolla
If you'd name your kid Seth and if we'd name them, you know, blossoming flowers, that maybe they'd mellow out a little.
- [171:48]
Sean Patrick Flannery
It's leading the witnesses.
- [171:49]
Allison Rosen
We call them gooey friends.
- [171:51]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Gummy friends. That they'd leave our long distance swimmers alone.
- [171:56]
Allison Rosen
We call them underwater bubbles.
- [171:57]
Adam Carolla
I think they're just living up to their reputation and their name.
- [172:01]
Allison Rosen
Right.
- [172:02]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, I wanna. I. Yeah, there we go. What?
- [172:05]
Allison Rosen
I don't know what's going on.
- [172:06]
Adam Carolla
What's going on? It's just a big floating jello mold with the shit coming off them.
- [172:11]
Sean Patrick Flannery
And those tentacles are gnarly, though.
- [172:13]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [172:13]
Allison Rosen
Vaguely vaginal.
- [172:14]
Adam Carolla
No. Is it not my whole thing? As soon as Diana got out of the water, be like, I got a urinate on. On you. And she'd be like, but that's for. That's not for the porch. And I'd be like, quiet, baby. Yeah, hold still.
- [172:27]
Allison Rosen
You'd be like, how many times have you gone through this? And she'd be like, actually, a lot.
- [172:30]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [172:31]
Allison Rosen
You'd be like, still.
- [172:32]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Yeah. And by the way, that's the exact same wrap the chick who fell on the skim board gave me on the beach. I ain't buying it. Now hold still. Yeah. And I just pee on her. You know, that's my thing.
- [172:43]
Allison Rosen
Yeah. Have you ever known someone for whom that actually is there thing getting peed on R. Kelly or peeing on someone?
- [172:52]
Adam Carolla
I. Almost every dude I know has pulled that shit in the shower with the girlfriend.
- [172:58]
Allison Rosen
Oh, so every dude is into it.
- [172:59]
Adam Carolla
Oh, no. Not into it. They're just fucking around.
- [173:02]
Allison Rosen
Like a prank.
- [173:03]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Unless you step on a sea urchin, that shit's not right.
- [173:06]
Adam Carolla
Well, if you're in the shower, the more you know. No, listen, listen. There's that thing somewhere between the 1st and 41st shower where you gotta whiz on the chick's thigh. You never done that? No, no, that's a dude thing. Yeah. Guys, every guy knows.
- [173:25]
Sean Patrick Flannery
It's kind of like planting plant. It's kind of like sticking the flag on the moon, right?
- [173:29]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're marking your claiming the name of Spain, except for Spain is your bladder and it's her thigh, but you know what I'm saying?
- [173:37]
Allison Rosen
My God, does no one care about me enough to puke?
- [173:40]
Adam Carolla
Now here's what happens every. I honestly, I peed on enough dudes, but I don't even know if I've done the shower move. I don't think I have.
- [173:48]
Allison Rosen
Why have you peed on dudes?
- [173:50]
Adam Carolla
Cause they're begging for it. Because they had it coming.
- [173:53]
Allison Rosen
Okay?
- [173:54]
Adam Carolla
I always peed on my friends. That's what we do.
- [173:57]
Allison Rosen
It should not be a surprise to me.
- [174:00]
Adam Carolla
You know how like. But, you know, Bon Jovi seems right.
- [174:03]
Allison Rosen
You sneak up and pee.
- [174:04]
Adam Carolla
Well, the problem is, is when you tap people on the shoulder and announce that you'll be urinating on them in the near future, they clear out.
- [174:10]
Allison Rosen
I would call ahead.
- [174:11]
Adam Carolla
You don't. You know, it's not one. Like a. It's not like a $17,000 plate fundraiser. You know, it's not. People don't sign up to get urinated on. Yeah, you do it. It's. It's sort of. It's about the same as getting shot with a crossbow. You can't tell people in advance what's going to happen, otherwise they get out of the way.
- [174:28]
Allison Rosen
But wouldn't it be more fun to pee on a moving target?
- [174:31]
Adam Carolla
Oh, they're moving. They start moving pretty quickly.
- [174:34]
Allison Rosen
Okay.
- [174:34]
Adam Carolla
Almost everything you pee on starts moving. That's one thing I've learned. The more you know. But half the guys I know have done that thing where they pee on their girlfriend in the shower.
- [174:45]
Allison Rosen
And then they tell you about it because it's this funny thing that they did.
- [174:48]
Adam Carolla
And then it's always like, oh, she got pissed off. They think it's funny, but she got.
- [174:52]
Allison Rosen
Pissed on as well.
- [174:53]
Adam Carolla
Right.
- [174:53]
Allison Rosen
But it's not a sexual thing, is what I'm saying.
- [174:56]
Adam Carolla
No.
- [174:56]
Allison Rosen
Right. Okay.
- [174:58]
Adam Carolla
As a matter of fact, it's usually after sex during that, you know, post.
- [175:02]
Allison Rosen
Coitish shower Is this something that everyone does as well? I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
- [175:08]
Adam Carolla
I'm not getting anything wrong.
- [175:08]
Sean Patrick Flannery
I'm not peeing on a chick fucks with my ass.
- [175:10]
Adam Carolla
You don't like that?
- [175:11]
Allison Rosen
Sometimes I just go to sleep after.
- [175:12]
Adam Carolla
I don't like it either. Look, most. Here's the deal. The guys.
- [175:16]
Allison Rosen
I mean, I insist on a shower beforehand.
- [175:18]
Adam Carolla
The guys who do the peeing are the guys. There's two types of guys. There's two types of sexuality. There is the I like the sensation of my penis inside of a vagina. Vagina. And then there's the I own you, bitch. You see what I mean, right? And they both. They'll both give a guy a boner for different reasons. I mean, it's kind of like there's.
- [175:41]
Allison Rosen
Wait, are these two types of sexuality in the same guy?
- [175:44]
Adam Carolla
No, it's a different dude.
- [175:45]
Allison Rosen
All right, well, then it's a different dude.
- [175:47]
Adam Carolla
It's like, people eat.
- [175:48]
Sean Patrick Flannery
They're two objectives.
- [175:49]
Adam Carolla
Everybody eats. But some people say people eat for different reasons, right? There's some people like, oh, I love chocolate ice cream. I love dessert. And then there's.
- [175:56]
Allison Rosen
Some are just lonely.
- [175:57]
Adam Carolla
And then there's. I'm gonna cry into this Haagen Dazs. I'm eat the whole thing and I'm gonna vomit it up. And I know I'm wrong and I'm full, but I'm still gonna keep eating and, you know, you know what I'm talking about. But there's still humans who eat.
- [176:08]
Allison Rosen
But okay, for the women who are listening, because I'm listening. How do we know whether we're with the guy who is having sex with us because he enjoys a sensation of his penis in our vagina versus the guy who wants to own us? What are the tells being peed on?
- [176:25]
Adam Carolla
There'll be some. It'll start off with, like, some innocent talk where they'll, like, go, you know. You know, check. Have you ever been with a dude that's, like, you know, really big down there? Like, you've been with a. You've been with a brother. You've been with a black guy.
- [176:42]
Allison Rosen
I had someone ask me that once.
- [176:43]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. And there'll be, like, little tells where they're kind of, like, trying to build some kind of weird case for you or against you, you know, and then they'll start asking questions about, you know, doing other things. Doing things that are, like, naughty and stuff, like, taboo kind of stuff. And there'll be a weird sort of personality case that they'll be Trying to build against. What is God's holy name? Are you blathering about. Really?
- [177:10]
Sean Patrick Flannery
A dude considers how it'll be received.
- [177:12]
Adam Carolla
He just does it. Right? You just do it.
- [177:14]
Sean Patrick Flannery
You don't, like, think, wow, how's this going to be received?
- [177:16]
Adam Carolla
You just do it because it's animalistic. You're thinking, there's a fire hydra.
- [177:18]
Sean Patrick Flannery
You got to pee on it.
- [177:19]
Adam Carolla
You're thinking about. You're thinking like a race, dude. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about, Allison, right?
- [177:25]
Allison Rosen
Yeah. He's, like, weirdly antagonistic right away.
- [177:27]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [177:28]
Allison Rosen
Sort of measuring against. Well, see, yeah. The guy who asked me if I'd been with a brother. I didn't. I was too young to really assess what it meant. But then it was only later that I started thinking, oh, he was trying to figure out what my barometer is right now.
- [177:43]
Adam Carolla
Did you. Did you find out, like, was that guy one of those guys who grabbed, like, a handful of. And was like, you love it, baby. Come on. You know that I'm gonna pee on you in about 10 minutes in my refractory period. I mean, was that kind of.
- [177:55]
Allison Rosen
This is all I'm gonna say. He never actually peed on me.
- [178:01]
Adam Carolla
No, because you have cat like, instincts.
- [178:03]
Allison Rosen
He didn't even try to pee on me.
- [178:05]
Adam Carolla
Oh, he didn't? So just number two, now that he.
- [178:08]
Brian Bishop
Knows he's a sissy.
- [178:11]
Allison Rosen
He did want to pee off my balcony, though.
- [178:13]
Adam Carolla
Oh, really?
- [178:14]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [178:14]
Adam Carolla
That's fine. It's a metaphor.
- [178:16]
Allison Rosen
He was upset.
- [178:16]
Adam Carolla
No. Now, that's good. That's like peeing off a bridge. You gotta do that.
- [178:20]
Allison Rosen
I know. And he was upset that I wouldn't let him.
- [178:22]
Adam Carolla
What?
- [178:23]
Allison Rosen
I was. He was in my dorm room. I felt like I would get thrown out. Why'd he ask? You're right.
- [178:28]
Adam Carolla
You don't ask.
- [178:29]
Allison Rosen
He was so.
- [178:31]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. That's like asking yourself.
- [178:32]
Allison Rosen
There was a lot of weird shit with him, though.
- [178:34]
Adam Carolla
That's not weird. Stepdad, can I do donuts in the parking lot? And you're Buick. Like, just say, can I borrow the car? Don't tell him what you're gonna do. Just go. I'll look out the window. Window here. Don't announce, may I urinate off your balcony. Right.
- [178:47]
Allison Rosen
Because I think I said, well, or you could just go in the bathroom.
- [178:52]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. It's weird.
- [178:54]
Sean Patrick Flannery
It's gotta be. It's gotta be uncontrollable. And if you want to do something bad enough, you just do it. Otherwise, I mean, if you have the forethought to, like, let me ask and get permission, then you're not compelled so strongly to do it immediately.
- [179:03]
Adam Carolla
But there are. It's. It's like. It's like porn. There's some guys who watch porn because they just, hey, I'm horny. I want to say, see people fuck, and then they're ones that want to see the chick get humiliated. So there's the two types of sexuality. There's just, hey, I got a boner. I got to put it somewhere. And it's like, I want to see something bad happen.
- [179:21]
Allison Rosen
Right. And you don't think they can both exist in the same person?
- [179:24]
Adam Carolla
No. There could be little. Little dustings of. You know, guy has a couple.
- [179:30]
Allison Rosen
A little bit of the intersection.
- [179:31]
Adam Carolla
Sure. The guy has a couple of drinks and he gets a little nodding, does a little hair tugging and stuff like that. Yeah, Most guys. Most guys have that in them.
- [179:39]
Allison Rosen
All right. A sailor participating in a beach cleanup in Hawaii found a message in a bottle that had been dropped in the ocean more than five years ago by a schoolgirl in Japan. John Moore stumbled upon the clear glass bottle Thursday at the Pacific Missile Range facility on Kauai. Inside, he found a note from Saki Arikawa.
- [179:57]
Adam Carolla
By the way, that's also the name of my junk. Pacific Missile Range. It's got to be written in Japanese, right?
- [180:05]
Allison Rosen
Well, yeah, you would assume. And yet we had the translation. It was, I wrote this letter because we'll graduate elementary school. So I wanted it to be a graduation memory. And it was dated March 25, 2006.
- [180:17]
Adam Carolla
Is this a picture of the dude I'm going with? Yes.
- [180:21]
Allison Rosen
Yes, it is.
- [180:21]
Adam Carolla
And so there's also a P.S. have you ever been with Allison Rosen? He's fine.
- [180:27]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, that was in the bottle. But I wanted to talk about this because you don't hear a lot of message in a bottle news and anymore.
- [180:34]
Adam Carolla
I don't know, anything Kevin Costner film. But other than that, you don't hear a lot of it.
- [180:37]
Allison Rosen
I feel like if I were to try to send a message in a bottle, it would wash back to shore the next day.
- [180:42]
Adam Carolla
I feel like somehow it would end up up my ass. Like, I'd go out body surfing, like, two hours later, and the bottle gets shoved up my ass. I wouldn't fuck with that.
- [180:49]
Allison Rosen
And then someone would find it a few weeks later, or.
- [180:52]
Adam Carolla
No, I just. I just limp it in the shore and probably have it surgically removed. I'm just saying, if you're going to do the message in a box, I think you have to figure out the tide. You have to figure out whether it's a full moon or not.
- [181:04]
Allison Rosen
Yeah. I feel like I'm not even worth it.
- [181:05]
Adam Carolla
I'd keep chucking it, and it would keep coming back to me like a tennis ball.
- [181:08]
Allison Rosen
Right, right. Plus, with email, you don't even need it anymore.
- [181:12]
Adam Carolla
Huh?
- [181:13]
Allison Rosen
With email.
- [181:13]
Adam Carolla
I don't know that one.
- [181:14]
Allison Rosen
Okay, so there is this. Sorry. This puppet show that Jack Hole, your production company and Kanye west were working on. It was a pilot for a urban puppet show a few years ago.
- [181:34]
Adam Carolla
Sure.
- [181:35]
Allison Rosen
Which you know about it. Of course. It never got made, but some footage behind the scenes is now all over the Internet.
- [181:42]
Adam Carolla
Oh, really?
- [181:43]
Allison Rosen
Yeah. And I just wanted to know what your memory of it was and your involvement, and we're gonna watch a little bit of it.
- [181:50]
Adam Carolla
All right. Shall we watch it?
- [181:51]
Allison Rosen
Kim Kardashian is in it.
- [181:53]
Adam Carolla
Let me lay you down My silky sheets. Yeah, those are the guys we did. Cranking. Coming close behind you. Then I show you desire. Oh, that's Kardashian. Yeah. Tom's director. You can see behind Daniel. I was Alligator.
- [182:22]
Allison Rosen
So the promise is that it was like the Muppet Show.
- [182:25]
Adam Carolla
Yes.
- [182:25]
Allison Rosen
But black.
- [182:26]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. We at the Jim Henson Studios, and we're working on a concept that Ryan Fest thought of, created a show called Pork Troy. Pork Troy. He a famous rapper, but everybody else is human. Don't nobody know your pig except for, like, smart people. And, like, his whole thing is like. So it's like, you gonna get a job today, Troy? You gonna pay your child support, Troy? I wanted to do a cartoon. I told him this should be a puppet show. We both knew Jimmy Kimmel performed on Jimmy Kimmel Show. We went to Jimmy Kimmel's people, Jackhole Industries, which is Jimmy Kimmel, Daniel Kellis, and Adam Corolla. We done a show called Crank Anchors, which they liked, and actually a lot of hip hop guys liked it. We had Soup Dog and Eminem, Lil Jon. Bunch of people come and do the show. But Kanye and Ryan Fester wanted to do their own show. Sort of how this one was born. We all developed the idea more. All right. This thing keeps going.
- [183:31]
Sean Patrick Flannery
How was Kanye? Was he cool?
- [183:33]
Adam Carolla
I never met him. It was one of those things where Daniel's like, hey, I'm doing a show with Kanye. It was under Jackal, and I was like, yeah, go knock out it yourself out. I was doing, like, three other TV shows, but how bad could he be? Loved. He loved puppets and. Yeah, the was a couple. Naomi Scott is married to Adam Scott, the actor who comes in here all the time. Yeah. Right. And a bunch of movies and used to be my assistant when we were doing the Man Show. And then. Yeah, it's weird. The Hip Hoppers and the brothers and everyone else loved. They loved Crank Anchors. I can't figure out why. I think those people like Felt. They like it around their booze. You know, they just. A fan of the Felt. Yeah, they're like their car interiors and their headliners and their pool tables. Yeah, they're felt. They're Felt oriented.
- [184:26]
Allison Rosen
They're pendants.
- [184:26]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, they just have a leaning toward Felt.
- [184:28]
Allison Rosen
So then you didn't have much involvement with this?
- [184:30]
Adam Carolla
No, I was just watching. I had almost these things. The way these things work is there's some shit I do that no one else is involved with, but it's a Jackal production. And then there's some shit they do and he does. And, you know, it's like we usually get together and discuss things and figure it out. It all varies. Like, there's some stuff where everyone is heavily involved. Like Crank Anchors. Everyone. We all sat in an office and did Crank anchors. And then there's other shit that's just. Ah, it's a Jackal production and I wasn't even there. It's usually me, the one who's staying at home, to be honest with you. But yeah, that guy. That guy Tom, the director. Yurgi. Yurgi. He's Yurgi. Interesting cat. Yeah, he's done a few weird things.
- [185:16]
Sean Patrick Flannery
The Tracy Morgan one with the baseball bat was a classic.
- [185:19]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, yeah, The. The. The Tracy Morgan. The thing that was crazy about Crank Anchors is, as I said, we'd have to go to Vegas and do it because it's illegal to do here. We'd have to go to Nevada and do it. And we just sit in a room like this and we just make up calls. I mean, they had a booth, like, over there. We'd sit here. Sean, you'd be like, the talent. And you'd just be calling. I'm gonna call a crematorium and I'm gonna.
- [185:49]
Sean Patrick Flannery
We should do that right now.
- [185:51]
Adam Carolla
We should. It's illegal, though. And then, hello. I'd just be sitting here writing, Joe. I'd have my headphones on so I could hear what the person was. Was saying. And then the person would be going, like, yeah, I'd have a dry erase board. And so the person would be going, I don't think I understand. And you'd. And I just write, please. I just lost my father. And he'd like, please. I just thought, oh, okay. And he'd buy another 10 minutes. And people, every once in a while, you'd write something on the board, and the person would look at it and go, like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like, I don't know what you're talking about. And they'd wave it off. But it was weird.
- [186:24]
Sean Patrick Flannery
It sounds fun.
- [186:25]
Adam Carolla
It was. Oh, no, it was really, really fun.
- [186:28]
Allison Rosen
What did you learn about human nature from watching people prank people?
- [186:31]
Adam Carolla
Well, here's what you learn different. It was illegal. It was illegal to do in certain parts of the country, but perfectly legal to do in other parts of the country. So you could not call California. You could not call from California or to California. That's the way California. California worked. But I think the Virginias you could call. And for some reason, New York, you could call. And Alaska, you could call. So you'd call. Like, we started to learn our lesson because you'd call these Chinese food places in Manhattan or these diners or delis in the city, and they'd, like, pick up the phone, yeah, what do you need? And you go, hey, listen, I want the pooh poo platter. Yeah, right, buddy. Hang up the phone. Because they're, like, moving during that boom, boom, boom time. Kevin Nealon called a guy in, like, Barrow, Alaska, and he said, hi, we don't know each other, but I have a compass buddy. And I have a compass buddy to the west in the furthest, most western state. And I have a compass buddy in the most in the woman state.
- [187:40]
Brian Bishop
I have that drop.
- [187:41]
Adam Carolla
It was a woman. Oh, we do. I don't know what you're talking about. That's her, right?
- [187:46]
Allison Rosen
I don't know what you're talking about.
- [187:47]
Adam Carolla
He was looking for a northern compass buddy. And so he's on the phone and they're talking, and literally, like 20 minutes later, he's like, okay, so what time do you come home from work? And he's like, well, I come home about 12:30 for lunch every day. So if I called about 12:45, I could check in. Yeah, I'll be here. Okay. Because I check in with my compass buddies every day, just the first furthest, eastern and western northern states, just to make sure everything's good.
- [188:19]
Sean Patrick Flannery
And she stayed on the phone the whole time.
- [188:20]
Adam Carolla
She's on the phone for 25 minutes and agreeing that tomorrow when he calls about noon, she'll pick up and she'll just say, hey, okay, compass buddy. And he'd give her the answer, you know, so, like, when the phone rings, you don't say, hello, you say, A. Okay, Northern compass, buddy. And then I'll repeat, and it's like, okay, all right. And you realize the point places you would call some of these. You know, you'd call Kansas, some city in Kansas, and you talk to a guy for 45 minutes. Like, he. But you call the east coast, and the guy was off the phone.
- [188:53]
Sean Patrick Flannery
That could have been my mom. My mom would stay on the phone.
- [188:55]
Adam Carolla
You literally could talk. I mean, it would be weird because you're making a prank call, but a certain point, like, you'd be like, going, like, all right, it's been 30 minutes. We'll get the. Off the phone. The guy won't let you off the phone, and you're pranking him. So you notice there's a completely different metronome and pace depending on what part of the country you're calling. You couldn't go, oh, Americans are like this. They're all different, depending on where you are. And if you've decided to live in Alaska, you're. And you're fucking lonely, by the way. Oh, people. You're getting into stuff like, well, you know, my grandson has a learning disability, so I understand what you're saying. Like, all of a sudden, they're talking about shit, you know, shit you couldn't imagine discussing with people you knew for 10 years. They're telling total strangers that. Yeah. And also, there were. There were a couple things you could do. There are a couple of tricks where, you know, you could give people answers. Like, they'd go, hold on a second. You say, you're the new sheriff. I need a. I want to know. I want your id. And you could go, let me ask you a question. How long have you lived in town? And they go, well, I've been here for eight years. And you go, really? Because I've heard you just moved in. And actually, you know, like, they never would get back to the part, right. If they asked you a question, like, basically, like, I think you're full of shit. Let me see some ID or what number you're calling from, or something like that. You'd go, let me ask you a question. And they immediately get them on the defense, and they redirect them to the backyard.
- [190:30]
Sean Patrick Flannery
They never find their way out, right?
- [190:31]
Adam Carolla
And I would always tell them about my kid with a disability or it's a. Whatever. And then you could immediately get them, like, on their heels, like, Like, I. I had conjoined twins and I wanted to put them in, like, a tumbling class or something. And they'd go, like, are you kidding? And they'd start laughing, and I'd go, I wish it was a joke. And they go, oh, I'm sorry. Like, that's all you'd have to like, like. And also they. They just go, like, you're kidding me, right? You're making this up. And you go, no, I'm not making this up. And they'd go, oh, sorry. Like, okay, I guess you're just taking your word for it. But that's. That's how it was. Yeah. All right, where the hell were we?
- [191:10]
Allison Rosen
That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, Compass buddy. My God, does no one care about me enough to pee on me?
- [191:17]
Adam Carolla
That was the news with Allison Rosen. Ah, yes, Legal Zoom. It's funny because Legal Zoom's been around for nearly a decade. Geez, they could have represented some of these people. Or at least the folks could have called in and got some pretty good information from LegalZoom. The best one ever is when Jeff Goldblum called in as an attorney representing folks who'd been victimized by crank anchors in season one as part of a class action lawsuit for season two. The same people from season one and got them enlisted again. That was good times. Yeah. Legal Zoom legally protect yourself, your business, your family. They now offer guidance from an attorney. This is what I'm talking about. At no additional cost. You know, for all these years, people have been going, all right, great, I'll start a trust or an llc. I'll fill out some stuff. It's fast, it's easy, it's all on the computer. But what about the other guy on the other side of the line who can actually guide me? Access a helpful attorney license in your state, get answers to your questions, and something called peace of mind. That's right again. Wills, living trusts, LLCs, they can help you. And you can get advice for an actual attorney. Go to legalzoom.com that's legalzoom.com not a law firm. They provide self help services at your direction. Free attorney help is provided through the trial of the Legal Advantage program, available in most states. And for even more savings, enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. That's legalzoom.com can we hear Mike? Can we hear his lynch back there? It's been driving me nuts. You know, I don't know if you guys know this about me, but occasionally I complain about bad 80s music.
- [193:10]
Allison Rosen
I'm familiar with this part.
- [193:11]
Adam Carolla
And there's all the you, all that bad dirty laundry and all that sort of shit, but here's a Song I. I haven't heard in so long that I forgot to complain about it. And because it's so bad, they don't even play it.
- [193:26]
Allison Rosen
Yeah, it's written off out of the.
- [193:29]
Adam Carolla
Yes. It's written by two of the most prolific, celebrated songwriters of our time.
- [193:37]
Brian Bishop
Sounds vaguely Rolling Stones in.
- [193:38]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. You don't remember this?
- [193:40]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Oh, come on, man.
- [193:44]
Adam Carolla
Listen to these complex rhymes rhythms. Take it to me good.
- [193:51]
Sean Patrick Flannery
This came out about the same time that Eddie Murphy track came, right?
- [193:56]
Adam Carolla
Oh, is he gonna say please, baby, please. He just rhymed. Get me on my knees and please. Come on, Brian. M.J. nick and M.J. brother.
- [194:08]
Brian Bishop
Oh, there's Mick Jagger.
- [194:10]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [194:12]
Allison Rosen
We'Re doing it.
- [194:14]
Adam Carolla
How bad is this song?
- [194:16]
Allison Rosen
It's pretty bad.
- [194:17]
Adam Carolla
It'd be like two of the greatest chefs got together and made Spam.
- [194:21]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [194:23]
Adam Carolla
And this is why Mick needs to be punished. She put me on my knees. They just made this up as they went along. They just got high and just. They were. Mick must have been out of his mind. Yeah, this. There's not even lyrics to this song. You can't you be good like, you know you should? Yeah, they're just hot. Walk and talk. They just rhymed. Walk, Walk and talk. People forget what a colossal abortion this song was. And it's two guys who've written some of the greatest songs ever made. I mean, is it even mathematically possible that these two could collaborate on something that was this bad?
- [195:30]
Brian Bishop
This has to be Mick Jagger's songwriting alone, right? Michael Jackson has not written this song.
- [195:34]
Sean Patrick Flannery
It's like John Lennon and Jimmy Page coming up with a Macarena, right?
- [195:38]
Adam Carolla
You know? Yeah. Or the Pete Ellis Dodge jingle.
- [195:40]
Allison Rosen
I think they run paralyzed with Paralyzed.
- [195:43]
Adam Carolla
Wow. Which is pretty genius. This is just one of those How High were we in the 80s songs like, like, I can't believe people sat down and listened.
- [195:54]
Sean Patrick Flannery
You got me catatonic, baby.
- [196:00]
Adam Carolla
He just. That's just him just. They're just vamping here. They're not even saying anything. I hate Mick Jagger. I really do. I, I, I feel like he's undone all his good work with his 12 Abortion Songs, which I wish were about abortion because it be more interesting. I mean, how about when he got together and did Dancing in the Streets with David Bowie?
- [196:32]
Allison Rosen
This is worse, though.
- [196:33]
Adam Carolla
This is horrific. I wish you're both gone. I really do. I know. By the way, when you're playing, when you're, when you're laying out your format for your 80s channel, do you really go, hey, we gotta have State of shock on there.
- [196:52]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Like Michael, I love that lyric about catatonic.
- [196:54]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. There's no way you convinced me. Convince me that they wrote this down in advance, right?
- [197:02]
Allison Rosen
No.
- [197:04]
Adam Carolla
This is just sort of a mental mad lip, like, you got me on my knees Please, baby, please yeah. Walking out the door I'm asking you for more It's Cat in the Hat.
- [197:17]
Allison Rosen
Cat in the Hat.
- [197:19]
Adam Carolla
No, it's not.
- [197:19]
Allison Rosen
You got me in a state of shock.
- [197:23]
Adam Carolla
Look at me. Look at me.
- [197:25]
Allison Rosen
I feel like Dr. Seuss to step up from this.
- [197:28]
Adam Carolla
It's emotional rescue circum. Look at me. If you're in a studio and you listening to this and you're going, we got a hit here, then you're hiring shit.
- [197:39]
Allison Rosen
Yeah.
- [197:40]
Adam Carolla
Yes.
- [197:40]
Brian Bishop
I don't think I ever heard this song before. That lick sounds vaguely familiar. Like, I was using a commercial.
- [197:45]
Adam Carolla
Well, because it's just. It sounds familiar because it just sounds like a generic Stones ring. It does.
- [197:50]
Brian Bishop
It sounds like if someone was doing like a stone. You know, it sounds like when, like Biography Channel does biography of. But they don't like music, so they have like fake Lex in the background.
- [198:00]
Adam Carolla
That would have been.
- [198:00]
Brian Bishop
Been the lick, right?
- [198:01]
Sean Patrick Flannery
And the climax of the song is actually Michael having a climax.
- [198:06]
Adam Carolla
Right?
- [198:07]
Brian Bishop
They left the bikes on.
- [198:08]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll do that all the time. Like. Well, they'll. They'll. They'll do the. They'll do the Jimi Hendrick Bar and they'll go, hey, John, I heard you shot your cousin dad. And it's like. Kind of sounds like that song, but not quite.
- [198:25]
Allison Rosen
It's like the Canadian version always, like.
- [198:27]
Adam Carolla
You'Re doing a biography on the fucking guy. You can't fucking clear the song, like. And doesn't it just sell a few more songs? And if you just hear these generic sort of feel alikes, doesn't it just tarnish your reputation? Like if you're sitting around with a few beers in your. You go, eh, Jimi Henderson held up very well. That song doesn't sound that good because it's a genero band. It's one of those car wash bands where you buy the best of at the car wash. All right. Go to my PC. That's right. Life's unpredictable. See you. Come in. You don't think you're going to hear Mick Jagger song. That's horrific. And pow, lo and behold, right between your eyes. Kids get sick. You get. You get. You get these bad 80s songs. Ear poisoning, State of shock. Whose name went first on that song, Michael Jackson or Mick Jagger? I have to figure that one out. Traffic jams. Bad weather, all the things out of your control. The run in America. Some idiots are running a triathlon. Diana Nad is swimming through your living room. You can't get to work. That's why I recommend go to my PC brought to you by Citrix. You can stay productive despite the unexpected. You could. Yeah. Well, really, let's be honest. If you own a dojo, it's hard to work from home. That's difficult. Hey, folks, bring the mats in. Come on down. Let's roll. But almost any other job Sean could have worked from home when they had this Barack fiasco surrounding his workplace. Connect with your office, Mac or PC from any computer or your iPad. Now work on any file. Use any program to access your Internet network. It's all there. You can work from home. You can get your home computer from work or get to your work computer from home or from a coffee shop or whatever. You guys know how it works. Try go to my PC free. Free 45 days free 45 days free. Just visit go to my PC dot com, click on the try it free button and use the promo code. Adam. All right, Ontario Improv tomorrow night, David Keckner, Dana Gould and the death rat guy out there. Universal City walk with Mark Maron. By the way, tonight is where you would see us, Ontario loaded for Baron and Marc Maron coming out to Universal CityWalk. That should be good. Tabernacle Atlanta this Friday and Ferguson Hall, Tampa Bay this Saturday. Sean Patrick flannery, lake effects lifeoutloudfilms.com for more information. You want to check out Sean's website, seanflannery.com youm can Twitter him at seanflannery as well. Shawn, are we missing anything? How about a shout out for the dojo? Yeah.
- [201:05]
Sean Patrick Flannery
Hollywood Brazilian Jiu jitsu. It's on La cienega website is hollywoodbjj.com I'm pretty much there every day. If I'm not filming something, I'm there teaching class or training.
- [201:15]
Adam Carolla
So just Google BJ and then go image. Go Ron West Hollywood bj.
- [201:20]
Sean Patrick Flannery
It'll take you to the same town, man.
- [201:22]
Adam Carolla
Actually, it will. All right, so until next time, Sam Crawler for ball. Brian Sean Patrick Flannery and Allison Rose and saying mahalo. May I urinate off your balcony? All right, that's it for today's cool classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for.
- [201:42]
Brian Bishop
An all new episode.
- [201:43]
Adam Carolla
Until then, mull and get it. Sam.