Seth MacFarlane + Patton Oswalt (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show: “Seth MacFarlane + Patton Oswalt” (Carolla Classics)

Release Date: June 20, 2026
Featured Guests: Patton Oswalt, Seth MacFarlane, Larry Miller, Allison Rosen, Brian "Bald Brian" Bishop
Episode Theme: A best-of episode featuring memorable moments from classic shows with top comedians, focusing on behind-the-scenes of Hollywood, comedy, satire, creative challenges, and their outlook on culture and entertainment.

---

Episode Overview

This “Carolla Classics” installment brings together highlight interviews and comedic riffing with comedian/actor Patton Oswalt and animation mogul Seth MacFarlane, alongside regular Carolla show voices Allison Rosen, Bald Brian Bishop, and, in the Seth segment, veteran comic Larry Miller. The episode is a true showcase of Adam Carolla’s long-standing strengths: freewheeling debates on pop culture absurdities, “inside baseball” industry stories, meta-commentary on TV and media, and his trademark blend of rants and comedy.

---

Key Segments & Highlights

1. Patton Oswalt Segment

(Clips from Adam Carolla Show #481, 2011 — Begins ~03:33)

Patton Joins – Background & Praise

• Carolla builds up Patton's versatility as a stand-up and actor, referencing Patton's book Zombie Spaceship Wasteland and past film roles (“Big Fan”) (04:33).
• Patton takes pride in being involved in a diverse range of creative projects: stand-up, acting, film, voiceover—and underscores the “moving target” lifestyle of a modern comic (43:43).

Adam’s Rant: Men Portrayed as Buffoons in Advertising

• Adam riffs on the “dumb guy in commercials” trope, lamenting how men are portrayed as helpless and bumbling ("Men build all the bridges, go to the moon...but commercials depict men as simple-minded buffoons"—05:07).
• "We would complain about this unfair depiction, but we're too fucking busy running Home Depot and the plant that makes the television..." (07:35)

Satire on Diversity Casting, Crime in Commercials, and Media Contradictions

• Adam and cohorts riff on how commercial casting bends over backwards to include diversity in joyful ads but shows only “white guys” as criminals in crime/security spots (09:44-13:20).
• “It is the Rainbow Coalition in every single commercial―except the ones depicting any form of crime. Then it’s all white. And now it’s distracting because now you’re looking at eight white guys kicking in the front door…” (13:20)

News & Riffing (16:05+)

• News topics riffed with Patton include Dr. Drew’s hospitalization (“There’s probably a lot of inbreeding in his family…”) and an abortion clinic scandal (25:20).
• Oswalt’s dark, quick-witted humor comes through, especially as he and Adam strip moral pretense from horrifying news stories.

Comedic Banter: Hollywood Pitches & Network Inanity

• Adam and Patton share battle scars over pilot episodes, network interference, and the absurdity of Hollywood casting and notes processes (49:45-59:51).
• Oswalt recounts being fired by the network during a disastrous table read for an NBC sitcom with Matthew Broderick:
  • “I did a really good job…and then the Hollywood Reporter the next day: Patton Oswalt fired after disastrous table read.” (50:06)
  • “The network has a different idea…and sometimes when people go to bat on your behalf that can really backfire.” (50:52)

Stand-Up as the ‘Blacksmith’s Anvil’

• Patton on why stand-up always endures:
  • “Stand-up is like you’re a blacksmith—it’s 200 years ago…always a pot of stew somewhere, there’s always a horse that needs shoeing.” (44:11)
  • Carolla adds: “If the shit doesn’t work out…you pick up that hammer and go back to work.”

Meta-Satire on the Comedy Development Process

• Adam and Patton roast “friends of your mom’s” giving clueless network notes:
  • "It reminded me of my mom’s friends when I was a kid…kind of scary, but you sure ain’t funny." (63:12)
• Oswalt details how the worst and least funny people still get attention during development meetings:
  • “Nothing is more frustrating than when you’re in a room and somebody dumb pipes up and the network says, ‘Maybe that is the way to go…’ So you’re making it not a comedic sketch.” (62:47)

Cultural Riffs: Organ Donation, Fetishes, Future Shame

• Adam rants about organ donor incentives, religious objections, and how today's moral questions will appear idiotic in hindsight (“I don’t care what happens to my body, cut it up, if it will help anyone out.” – Patton, 88:24).
• Discussion of internet porn’s explosion and fetish diversity; tongue-in-cheek about linking childhood experiences to adult kinks (84:41-85:18).
• Patton on how future generations will view today’s hot-button issues: "In 40 years, people protesting stem cells and gay marriage...are gonna seem so bizarre and stupid." (91:18)
• “It’s like it’s 1964 and you’re saying ‘I think there should be negro drinking fountains…’ Don’t you think, 20 years from now, you’ll just look stupid?” (91:44)

---

2. Seth MacFarlane Segment

(Clips from Adam Carolla Show #484, 2011 — Begins ~101:19)

Introduction to Seth – Animation, Music, and Stardom

• Adam welcomes Seth: "Must be nice being you."
  • Seth: "Depends on the day, Adam. I find ways to hate myself, I promise." (156:58)
• Conversation opens with Seth’s love of classic music and recent project:
  • Recorded an album in Studio A at Capitol Records with a 55-piece orchestra, even Sinatra’s microphone.
  • “We just finished this album...all recorded to analog tape...that nice kind of warm, rich kind of tone.” (160:09)
• Discusses roots: grew up exposed to the American Songbook and theater; father was a folk singer offered Johnny Carson but turned it down because "he was a hippie and didn't want to dance for the man." (163:24)

Creative Process: Family Guy’s Origins & TV Animation

• Seth explains coming up through Hanna-Barbera’s "What A Cartoon" incubator, then pitching Family Guy at just 23:
  • “They said, we’ll give you $50,000 for a budget…so I spent six months animating like crazy in my apartment…presented a 15-minute, very crudely animated pilot, but the jokes were there…” (184:09)
• Early Fox reaction: “I went in thinking Peter is gonna be the one they respond to…[but] we like Stewie!” (183:43)
• On why some characters click and others don’t, and how real development comes over time.

Nostalgia Riffs: Classic Animation, Naming Clichés

• Extended bit with Adam and Seth skewering Hanna-Barbera’s “cop-out” character names:
  • "Squiddly Diddly? They were clocking out at 3:30. What rhymes with Squiddly? 'Diddly.' Moving on!" (173:13)
• Warm reflection on how animated fare recycled jokes and formula, “nine jokes, just rearranged in different sitcoms.” (175:14)

Meta on TV Industry: Animation Pilots & Execs

• Adam rants about the grueling TV pilot process, “animatics” for approval, and how only those at Seth's level can bypass it ("Baby, you're not Seth MacFarlane!"—193:30)

Legacy, Kids & Fame in a Jaded Era

• Seth and Adam lament how celebrity and coolness have become cheap for kids; nobody is starstruck anymore:
  • "If I was into Family Guy and I tossed out the Family Guy, I'd have had a lot of follow-up questions…” (189:00)
  • Seth: “Family Guy is so five years ago, man.” (189:43)
  • Adam: "Maybe they smell the neediness on me."

Stewie Reads Adam’s Book

• Seth, as Stewie, reads a passage from Adam’s book In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks in full Stewie voice, to everyone’s delight (202:41).
  • Memorable passage:
    • “The chances of my parents having a custody battle over us are about the same as two vegetarians having a custody battle over a pork chop.”

Cultural Takes: Pop Stars' Decline, Animation in Prime Time

• Adam on M. Night Shyamalan’s fall from creative grace:
  • “At what point does your name start doing more harm than good?” (126:01)
• Bit on Nic Cage’s relentless run of bad movies: “His movie trailers now look like parodies of Nick Cage movies.” (133:24)

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Representation in Media
  • “It is the Rainbow Coalition in every single commercial—except the ones depicting any form of crime. Then it’s all white.” —Adam, (13:20)
• On the Comedy Industry
  • “There’s no committee, there’s no collaboration. I just go up and whatever I say, goes. To still have that outlet with all the other stuff I’m doing…is great.” —Patton Oswalt on stand-up, (44:59)
• On TV Execs Giving ‘Notes’
  • “Nothing is more frustrating than when you’re in a room and somebody dumb pipes up and the network says, ‘Maybe that is the way to go…’” —Patton, (62:47)
• On Network Decisions
  • “I was the star, the creator, I wrote the script…and at a certain point, after the table read, they said, ‘Not for you, Adam.’” —Adam, (68:04)
• On Modern Child Star Struggles
  • “When guys are Disney stars talking about how they struggled…from 11 to 13 and a half, those were the lean years.” —Adam, (122:33)
• On Changing Social Morality
  • “In 40 years, people protesting stem cells and gay marriage…are gonna seem so bizarre and stupid.” —Patton Oswalt, (91:18)
• Stewie Reads Adam
  • “The chances of my parents having a custody battle over us are about the same as two vegetarians having a custody battle over a pork chop.” —Seth, as Stewie (202:41)

---

Noteworthy Timestamps

• Patton Oswalt interview begins: ~03:33
• Adam’s “dumb guy” advertising rant: 05:07–13:20
• Network notes & sitcom pilot war stories: 49:45–59:51
• Discussion of industry hiring, creator autonomy: 43:43–48:02
• Cultural commentary on diversity in media: 13:20–15:17
• Dark riffing on news stories: 25:20–30:05
• Patton on gay “coasters and tumblers” terminology: 23:45
• Seth MacFarlane interview begins: ~156:58
• On making a traditional jazz album: 160:00
• Seth’s animation career origin: 179:01–184:09
• Family Guy pitch story: 182:24–184:09
• Adam’s lament on kid’s indifference to fame: 189:00–189:49
• Stewie reads Adam’s book: 202:39

---

Takeaways for New Listeners

This episode is a “Deep Couch” for comedy fans, screenwriters, animation geeks, or anyone fascinated by the behind-the-scenes of Hollywood creativity and the struggles of TV production. Patton Oswalt brings sharply observed, often dark humor with to-the-bone industry honesty. Seth MacFarlane offers perspective as a prodigy who became an animation mogul, appreciating the old school and skewering the new. Throughout, Adam Carolla’s fast wit, combative rants, and storytelling make it clear why he and his show have had a remarkable run.

If you enjoy sharp, satirical conversation and a peek behind the curtain at how the creative sausage is made, this episode is a showcase of the Carolla Show firing on all cylinders.

---

Transcript

[A]

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary.

[B]

Not available in all states.

[C]

Ever notice how life's best stories don't happen in your living room? They happen on the open road, out on the water, or parked under the stars.

[A]

At Progressive, they get that you want

[C]

to focus on the experience, not worry about the what ifs. That's why they offer quality insurance designed for your ride, whether That's a boat, RV or motorcycle adventure with confidence. Visit progressive.com and see how easy it is to protect your favorite way to get away. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates not available in dc. Prices vary based on how you buy. Foreign.

[A]

Classic Summerhill superfan Giovanni this is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights

[B]

and fan selected clips from all 17

[A]

years of the Adam Carolla Show.

[B]

If you'd like to obtain access to

[A]

the Adam Carla Show Archive as well as the archive for the Adam Dr. Drew show and the newer podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Carolla's substack adamcarola.substack.com sign up subscribe, Listen ad free and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicscarolla.com alright, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Carollo Show 481 featuring Patton Oswalt, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop. This one's from 2011. At first I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free.

[D]

True.

[A]

It's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV.

[E]

Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100 and the X Files may

[A]

cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV Stream now pay Never Adam's guest today, comedian and author Patton Oswalt. Plus Bald Brian with the sound effects, Allison Rosen with the news and a round of Germany or Florida. And now all you need is the air that you breathe and Adam Caroll. Yeah, get it on Got to get it on no choice but to get it on Mandate get it on Good day Bald Brian.

[C]

Tell me about that Grandpa Corolla.

[A]

Patton. Love that guy. Good day Allison Rosen. It's gonna be a good, good day. All right, first off, I want to welcome the fans that are watching on the Ace broadcasting Twitter network. They're watching the Ace Broadcasting Twitter winners, I should say. They're viewing us right now in studio, thanks to our good friends at GoToMeeting. See how that works?

[F]

By the magic of GoToMeeting.

[A]

Unbelievable. Speaking of GoToMeeting, how about go to my PC? Problems getting work done because of distractions at the office. Mm. Try to get some work done. I gotta say.

[F]

Dude. What'd you say?

[A]

Donnie Bongload behind you. Sandy, tune in his Mustang now. Stay home, save yourself some gas, save some energy, save, by the way, save one of those sexual harassment suits.

[F]

How can you possibly get suit for that?

[A]

Who's your cat going to talk to? You know what I'm saying? Go to my PC. Brought to you by our good friends over at Citrix. And you can securely access everything on your office computer, even the programs from anywhere. Cafe, library, an island, anywhere you can get the Internet. Try go to my PC free. I got a free 45 day offer only if you use the promo code Adam. Works on the Mac, works on the PC. You can get your home computer from work and get your work computer from home. I think two computers is what they start you out with. You can add as many as you want, but all you need is your home and your work computer. Visit GoToMyPC.com Click on the Try it free button and remember the promo code, Adam. 4,500 days for free. All right, Patton is coming in. Patton has a book, Zombie Spaceship Wasteland. And I think I love about Patton. He's just good at everything he does. He's good at stand up. He's good acting he does. What was this movie? Big fan.

[F]

Big fan.

[A]

Yeah, serious role. Did a great job in that. I'll kiss his ass when he comes in. But I was. And I want to kiss all your asses too, for keeping my audiobook on itunes. Still in the top 10 after all these weeks and months now. Still up there. And pass shit my dad said, which is feels good. So I thought we play a little snippet from the book. We haven't done it in a while. And again, if you have the book, the audiobook is 6 hours and 40 minutes of difference. So if you want to check it out, be my guest. And again, thank you all. Why don't we play a little snippet and then we'll fire up the news, shall we? Let's talk about Dumb guys in commercials. Look, let's face it, guys are smarter than women. Ladies, please, debunch your panties and open your ears. Men build all the bridges, all the dams, go to the moon, etc. It's a fact. I don't want to argue about it. If you don't believe me, go down to the patent office where, by the way, Einstein and his penis used to work, and see all the great innovations women have come up with over the years. But commercials depict men as simple minded buffoons. The wife's out of town and the dad's left alone to prepare breakfast for the twins. Smash cut to the guy dumping the waffle batter into the toaster. Or how about the famous Carl's Jr campaign about how guys would starve without them, featuring a Dunce in his mid-30s attempting to make guacamole by putting a whole avocado in a fucking blender. Hold it right there. By the way, you ladies are lucky. If they did that commercial with a black guy or Mexican guy or chick.

[D]

Get an avocado.

[A]

It would just be an outrage. People just be outraged. They'd be picketing Carl's Jr. Yeah, that's what guys do. That's what 33 year old guys do. We take whole avocados, pit skin and everything, and we throw it. We throw it in the drool, staring at the blender. All right, sorry, continue. Fucking blender. By the way, you ladies are lucky I'm too goddamn lazy to look up what percentage of Michelin rated chefs are men. Or how about the same guy who wants to lounge on the sofa all day watching arena football, but his lady convinces him to go with her to the Home Depot to remodel the basement. Right? Dumb and lazy. We get it. See, we would complain about this unfair depiction, but we're too fucking busy running Home Depot and the plant that makes the television set you're watching a stupid commercial on and building and designing and operating the cameras and the satellites that make it possible for you to see these commercials that make us look like retarded chimpanzees. And speaking of inaccurate depictions, I've seen 75 of these ADT home security commercials and never seen a face darker than Conan o' Brien involved in any home invasion scenarios. Imagine if an alien came down to the US and just watched TV for a year and then took a tour of our prison system. He'd be like, these white criminals are the shrewdest of them all. They commit 100% of the crime and almost never get caught. Thank you Powerful stuff.

[D]

Yes. I'm speechless and moved.

[F]

Really?

[A]

Do you disagree with any of them?

[D]

Please feel free. You're making me a race traitor to my kind.

[A]

Ladies, please feel free.

[D]

No, no, I agree wholeheartedly with. I mean, wait a minute.

[A]

Tracy Metro.

[D]

I agree wholeheartedly.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Would you like to see another home invasion commercial done by Ashton Kutcher?

[D]

I agree wholeheartedly.

[A]

They all look like 28 year old good looking white guys that never stop look.

[F]

I don't say not good looking, buddy.

[D]

I don't say my home be invaded.

[A]

I don't say white guys don't break into houses. I just say it's not our exclusive domain. It's distracting when it's nothing but white guys.

[D]

You guys are. White guys are busy managing Home Depots.

[A]

When you do a Miller Light commercial, you toss in a black guy because there's five guys and one of them should be black. You doing a home invasion commercial?

[D]

Right?

[A]

Toss in one black guy. So it's, it's. Otherwise it's distracting. That's all I'm saying. I like somebody, please go through the Brinks or adt. Go through, go through their arsenal and see if you can find, see if you can find a face darker in Tom Petty's now this is a. By the way though, I'm just lashing out because I'm tired of guys being portrayed as buffoons. We're busy and we sit around and we take it. But this would not work for any other group or any other race or any other culture. We just want. There's be a Carl's Jr guy. Durr, I'm a dumb dude. Bullshit. I don't sit around. I don't sit around my house. My wife goes, come on, let's go to Home Depot. Come on, we're gonna finish those things. Come on. I'm the one who's at the fucking Home Depot.

[D]

You never have to wipe the drool off before you go somewhere.

[A]

No. And I never stare blankly. Like I don't go to the supermarket and go to the frozen food aisle and just stare there with the door open until my eyebrows freeze, you know, because it just drool. I don't know what to do. I can't wipe my own bottom right now.

[D]

And are your kids, do your kids speak like tiny adults and are they super clever?

[A]

No. Well, sort of. My dad, my dad, my kid told me I talked too much today and to be quiet.

[D]

Do you have twins playing each twin kid?

[A]

That's the way I do it around the house. I wish let's see. Let's keep showing these commercials. See if we can find. Let's see if we can find a face that doesn't look like Dawson on one of these. The best one is the date rape one. Like who, who's that cute guy at the party? I didn't know him. Did you know when he comes right back in to rape the chick? I love it. That's pretty shrewd.

[F]

Move down that.

[A]

Go to the party.

[F]

Yeah, I didn't see that coming. It's like, oh, there's me. That's romantic. Commercial suddenly kicks the door down or something.

[A]

Yeah. Wow. My date race is not to leave the party. You don't have to break the door down. Yeah, I like that. I look at this guy. Looks like every guy who's in Pelican Bay right now, doesn't he? Little Chubby, 33, white as a ghost. Sure.

[D]

Yes. Straight from the frat.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

To the clink.

[A]

Mm. The other good one I like is hello, my name is Graham. Yeah, Grandmother. I like the drunk driving one where every single guy gets pulled over. Just a 32 year old white guy, but no such thing as a black dude. God forbid. By the way, in the, in the annals of drunk driving. Ever been a Latin guy pulled over? I don't think so. Never been a woman pulled over. Nah, it's never happened.

[D]

It's not exactly the Benetton ad and we know the world to be.

[A]

Well, it's a weird. Here's what, here's why they're fucking retards. Because we bend over backwards, turning everything into that Benetton world thing where we go like, hey, it's a couple guys tilting some beers at a bar. Here, check out, check out this commercial. See, See all the, see all the honkies getting pulled over for the drunk driving? Yeah.

[D]

Well, maybe that aired during Dawson's Creek. Primarily a white audience.

[F]

Yeah, maybe the channels you're watching, dude. Yeah, Mundo has different one.

[A]

I watched Telemundo and BET and I've seen Ann Oprah and I've seen nothing so far. No, we have to. Like, if you do a thing where five guys are going out, you got the Asian guy, the black guy, the white guy. Everything is that way, sort of to the point of distraction. Like I don't go to Bill Simmons house and have an Asian guy and a black guy sitting there in between me and Kevin Hench and Bill Simmons. It just sadly. Dear, dear Die. Introducing Taco Bell's new jalapeno citrus salsa with bright citrus, real red Jalapenos, guajillo chiles. Usually you add sauce to the food, but when the sauce is this good, the food is just there to get the sauce to your mouth. That rolled quesadilla. Not a rolled quesadilla anymore. Now it's a sauce shovel. Taco Bell's Jalapeno citrus Salsa. Get it with any item on the Cantina Chicken menu while it's here at participating US Taco Bell locations for a limited time only while supplies last contact store for availability. Wait a minute. I can't talk with my hood on the point. Go back. Oh, short ass computer with my tears. Thank God I cross Sam Adams. Give me a Tumblr. All right, point is this. But. So it's. It is. It is the. The colors of the. The Rainbow Coalition and every single commercial except for the ones depicting any form of crime. And now it's all white. And now it's distracting because now you're looking at.

[D]

It's blinding.

[A]

Somewhere around your eighth white guy kicking in the front door of a house in suburbia, you go, hold on a second. This now seems distracting.

[D]

Well, also because we're used to seeing the Rainbow Coalition. I mean, when I.

[A]

Right. That's what screwed it up.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Somebody made artificial. Artificial. Someone made a decree that if you do. Look, if you do Olive Garden commercial, we need a black and an Asian couple shoved in with the white couple. That is it. And they have this. I mean, when I. When I was at NBC, I spoke to Cinco de Maya Angelou, who's crazy black chick who's in charge of stuffing Mexicans into sitcoms and making sure that they're depicted in a very nice way. She's nuts. They're nuts. They're all under her crazy thumb. And she gives you long winded speeches about why Southland didn't work because super condescending stuff about how they had a Chicano in there who wasn't a gang banger, but they named him Steve. His name was Steve Gomez. They should have called him Sergeant Gomez, but they called him Steve. So they didn't get any Mexican credit.

[E]

It's.

[A]

It's. By the way, it's more offensive than whatever offensive joke you would have that there's a black chick in charge of Mexicans at NBC who's a fucking nut job. But either way, we had Cinco de Maya Angelou and that's. That's her decree. And so it works fine except for when they do the Brinks home security commercial or the drunk driving commercial or the ADT commercial. And there's no dark faces. Now it's become a distraction because you guys have created this fake world where there's a whole bunch of white gang bangers.

[D]

Yep.

[A]

That's what's fucked this up.

[D]

Now, when I used to work at magazines, anytime there was a list or a photo shoot or anything, it would always be like, we need a black person in there. We need more women in there. We need this. And I was like, how? I. I mean, I applaud the effort to make. To make this, you know, equal, but how is it okay to send someone out specifically to look for a black person? Like, that feels wrong.

[A]

Yeah, it is. It is weird. And it's also. I don't know how great you'd feel if you were the person, but.

[D]

Right.

[A]

All right, let's see. Oh, another white guy breaking into a house. Show the date. Right. One that's my favorite is the. Is the one where they're having the party. And this guy, by the way, is. And cute. This guy looks like Joel McHale. I mean, she'd be lucky to be raped by this dude. And I know that's controversial, but, I mean, we all. Yeah. Thank you. Bald Bryant, you are the dumbest person alive. What is wrong with you? All right, well, look for that. How about you crank up a little news? Allison Rosen. And again, you don't have to agree with me just because I'm right all the time. Teresa never did. Live from the international news site. Just to be obstinate next to dog's mini bike. This is the news. No, no. If you agree, you agree. Brian doesn't to be abstinent. You don't have to do that. Thank you.

[F]

Tells me I'm just an ass kisser who agrees with you all the time. So I'm confused.

[A]

Oh, my God. That's why I wanted to strangle Anderson that day. Sorry. Go ahead.

[D]

All right, well, Loughner was indicted today, but bigger news, your buddy Dr. Drew spent the night in the hospital being treated for an infectious disease called leptospirosis, which causes jaundice, muscle pain, fever, and in some cases, hemorrhages in the eyes and skin.

[C]

Dr. Drew in the hisy.

[A]

Really?

[D]

No. He's in the hospital right now, or. No, not anymore. But he was.

[A]

He's such a blue blood. You know, there's probably a lot of inbreeding and stuff in his family and everything. Don't be a player.

[D]

Recession. The recessive gene for this. This disease.

[A]

Yeah, maybe there's something going on with him because he's so like white and perfect.

[D]

That family tree fork properly.

[A]

Yeah, I, I don't know who forked to, but either way, maybe it was a brother and a sister and he got fucked up somehow along the way.

[D]

Very Flowers in the attic. Well, he picked it up in the West Indies where he and his wife were going for a romantic getaway. On January 7th, this all, this all came out on Twitter. January 7th, he tweeted, Leaving very early tomorrow on our second honeymoon. So sweet.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Secret destination, but bring shorts and sunglasses. And then it's like he was tweeting to his wife. And then on Monday, he wrote, traveling since 12:30am Pacific. Now back in the U.S. in Miami. Oh, joy. Customs. Then a day later, he tweeted, spent the night as a patient in the hospital. Seems I may have picked up leptospirosis in the West Indies. This is just brutal.

[A]

When you fuck natives in the ass, there's just a certain amount of bags that comes along with that decision.

[D]

See, I was hoping maybe you had some information.

[A]

Oh, I know. Spread elections. Well, I know him well, but why don't you got no play player? That's right. Yeah. Oh, wait. Here's the party. Should we take a look at this? Nice couple. That's it.

[D]

We'll put Drew on.

[A]

Look at this guy. Looks like the boyfriend. Looks like Miranda's boy. It looks like what's her name's boyfriend from the city. Yeah. No, no, the other, the other guy. The, the model guy.

[D]

Oh, oh, Jared.

[C]

Or.

[A]

Yeah, Jared. Don't pretend like you don't know. Oh, wait, here he comes.

[D]

I'm surprised you're not pretending like you don't know.

[A]

I know. That's sad. He's come back into riper now. Yeah. Good looking. Six. Three blonde guys. That's what they. They don't get any unless they rape. It's the only way they can get any.

[D]

It is about sex. It is about power.

[A]

No, I know. I, I listen, I. Allison, I. I gotta be honest with you. Just take a look at this guy. It's really nice to meet you, aj. There he is.

[D]

Me too. He doesn't have the face of a rapist.

[A]

No. Who's that guy? Like the.

[F]

Neither did Kobe.

[A]

All right, stop it for a second. Let me just say this, seriously. I kid a lot, and, you know, some of the stuff's a little off color, but when it comes to rape, and I agree with Allison on this one, rape is not a sexual crime. It's not a sexual act. It's a violent, violent crime. Where you come at the end. But it has nothing to do with sex. You know, you do come, but other than the part where you jizz, I think. Yeah, no, violent.

[D]

It's just a physical thing.

[A]

Violent has nothing. It is, it is non sexual even when you're.

[D]

Except for penetration.

[A]

Except for the penetration and the come part. So it's like a violent non sexual crime where you come at the end. Like it's as if, Brian, if you were walking out to your pickup truck tonight and I just attacked you with a crowbar, it'd be no. And then came. It'd be no different. You understand what I'm saying? It is that it is. It's about power and then, you know, coming. But other than that there's no sexual component other than the jizz in the air. Other than the sex.

[D]

Or like if I was, if I were.

[A]

The only sexual component to the rape is the sexual act. Yeah. Having the sex and then the coming. But other than that it's a violent non sexual crime where you come at the end.

[D]

Right. That's why it's not about sex. Or like if I were going shopping and I was around up and a bunch of makeup and I didn't want to pay for it so I grabbed some of the lipsticks and I put them, you know, in my purse or on my person or whatever you're stealing and then I had sex with someone and you can.

[A]

That guy came. Yeah, it's like that.

[D]

Well, maybe I did too.

[A]

Okay, you had an orgasm. But it's part of this. It's a non sexual crime. No, it'd be like if I just pulled up, you know, a couple of hillbillies pulled a pickup truck up to an ATM at 4 in the morning, put a chain around it, tried to pull it out from the wall, you know, while they're coming, you know.

[D]

Right.

[A]

But it's, but, but it's just that it's a violent crime. There's nothing to do with sex up for, you know, there's certain amount of just, you know, airborne. Airborne.

[D]

Like if you were. Yeah. You were to. You were to hijack someone on the highway, have sex with them, it would be just the crime.

[A]

Well, I know I've been saying it'd be like if I. If I. If I went into a carjacking. I mean if I went into a bank and I attempted to rob the bank, you know, and then, and then came it'd be like. Right. You know what I'm saying? A non sexual crime where you're having sex. You know, I'M saying?

[D]

Or like if while you're having sex with someone, you're also doing insider trading. Mm, that would be a white collar.

[A]

Literally inside or her inside her trading.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Yeah. That's good stuff. All right, should we see Jared one more time? The good looking spokesmile. Mm, there he is now. He's coming back. By the way, what kind of party breaks up at 8:30 in the morning?

[D]

A pre rape party.

[A]

What is this guy's playing, by the way? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna hang out at this party, introduce myself to about 13 people, get my DNA spread all over the fucking condo, and then I'll come back about 9O', CL, bust the window in with my elbow and attempt to rape this chick while people are still walking down the driveway getting into their car.

[D]

Yeah, he seems less sharp than your average rape.

[A]

Look at him. There he is, the new face of evil.

[D]

He didn't get into Yale.

[A]

Look out. You don't think this guy could pull down some pussy on his own?

[D]

He's not interested in the pussy. He can pull down, he can overtake. Right, right.

[A]

Violently. And then you come. All right, sorry, go ahead.

[D]

I don't see what's so great about that. Not that I'm jealous, but I don't see what's so great about that girl.

[A]

No, no, no. Right.

[D]

I don't see what she has.

[F]

This guy's breaking down her door. Literally.

[A]

All right, here we go. We have more news.

[D]

Oh, yeah, we do.

[A]

We better change the subject.

[C]

Mm.

[D]

Oh, right. Okay. So. So. So you haven't heard from Drew and you haven't sent over some flowers?

[A]

No, he's.

[D]

He's.

[A]

He's. Drew's. Drew, you know, he'll land on his feet. It is kind of nice though, saying spent the night in the hospital as a patient. None of us would have to make that distinction.

[D]

Right?

[A]

You know what I mean? Right? It's true. He has to make that distinction. He'd think he was working otherwise. He's a very virile man. He's also a passionate, passionate man.

[D]

Wildly passionate in a violent way.

[A]

You would like it, but passionate. Your mom would like it too. Yeah. He's a doctor. You know what I mean?

[D]

I don't even know. I don't know what you mean.

[A]

He said what? He's a catch.

[D]

But I mean, have you experienced his passion?

[A]

I have been privy to his passion.

[D]

You've been an onlooker?

[A]

I've been a party to his passion. But I'VE not been under his passion.

[D]

He could also be on top of his. He could be in front of his passion.

[A]

I'm a passion bottom myself. I'm what's called passion coaster.

[D]

Well, how do you feel about the second honeymoon?

[A]

Shouldn't bottoms be called coasters? Hey, gays.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Wake up. Bottoms a little too graphic and weird, but coaster sounds nice. Coaster and tumbler.

[F]

Better than catcher.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Pitcher and catcher. No good. Yeah. Let's make the tumbler the top, and let's make the. Let's make the bottom the coaster. Coaster and tumbler. I like that. It's good code, and it suggests one is going on top of another.

[D]

All right, brilliant.

[A]

They're not all tens. No, that's coaster and tumbler. I love coaster. Are you a coaster or a tumbler?

[D]

Oh, me personally.

[A]

I'm just saying, if we had a bar. I'm just saying. Brian, I'll ask you. Coaster, tumbler. It's better for bottom or pitcher. Catcher. Right?

[D]

I'm a champagne flute.

[F]

That's right. Depends on the night.

[B]

All right.

[A]

But either way, if I announce.

[F]

I mean, I've been on a coaster. Been on a tumbler.

[A]

That's what I like about you.

[D]

What's a can cozy? What would a can cozy be?

[A]

Oh, a koozie or cozy. I think koozies for some reason. Yeah, Those would be the bears. The bears who like that snuggle. That'd be the cozy. So if you're koozie, you're bear that likes a spoon. If you're coaster, you're bottom.

[E]

If.

[A]

If you're a Tumblr, you're a top. And if you're Stein, you're power top.

[D]

Why is writing this down?

[A]

If you're a top, you're just a pound. If you're a stein, you're just to pound the out of your top.

[D]

You might be a rapist.

[A]

Yeah, and rape is a violent. Oh, wait, where were we? A rapist.

[D]

A deeply upsetting story.

[A]

Mike, write all this down. I got to get my new. My new gay pecking order thing worked out.

[D]

A Philadelphia abortion doctor has been charged with murder after authorities found what they refer to as a house of horrors at his clinic, where he evidently routinely delivered live and viable babies and then severed their spinal cords with scissors. And we actually have a clip of what the da. The DA Is describing what he saw at the clinic. It's very. The clip is very short,

[A]

and bottles holding aborted fetuses were scattered throughout the building. A row of jars containing severed feet

[D]

lined a shelf Those are a delicacy. He and nine of his associates face first degree murder charges in the cases of seven babies. Dr. Kermit Gosnell, who ran the clinic from 1979 to 2010, was charged with murder, infanticide conspiracy, abortion at 24 or more weeks, and other charges. Gosnell is also facing third degree murder charges for the death of a mother who died from anesthesia. The charges follow a year long grand jury investigation. Prosecutors say the state health department was informed of violations at his clinic as early as 1996, but failed to respond until February 2010 when the clinic was raided during a drug investigation.

[A]

I like once in a while when things are described as ghoulish. This is not a Vincent Price type thing, but like when authorities describe stuff as ghoulish, that's what this is. And by the way, Brinks, if you're listening, here's a white guy crime. This is our domain.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

This is what we do.

[F]

Where was this?

[D]

But is in Philadelphia. But. Is he white, though? Oh, you didn't see. You didn't see him. He. I can't quite tell.

[A]

This ain't the work of a brother, let's put it that way.

[E]

Well, let's get.

[D]

Can. Can you find a picture of Kermit Gosnell?

[A]

He's not the frog. I gotta see this guy.

[E]

It looked like.

[A]

Well, there the guy was walking. Looked like he was a honky.

[D]

Looks like he might be a guy.

[A]

The spokes guy was.

[E]

He's.

[A]

What is he. Is he black?

[D]

I think he's a little of both, maybe.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

It's hard to tell. I can't tell.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Kermit is not typically a. Kermit are typically green.

[A]

It takes a big, big man to admit when he's wrong, Brian. Admit you're wrong.

[F]

It's not easy being gray.

[A]

Wow. What color is he?

[F]

Gray.

[A]

I think that's a brother.

[D]

I think that's my brother.

[A]

Who's the other guy walking out of the. The guy there was. There was a guy like, wow. Maybe he was working on the case.

[D]

Maybe.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[F]

I would describe him as latte.

[A]

I gotta rethink every stereotype I've ever had.

[D]

Oh, no. How long is that gonna take?

[A]

I'm done. I'm actually done. Yeah, I didn't put. I decided not to do it, actually.

[D]

Anyway, this is like a horror movie.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

And this is.

[A]

Oh, I don't know what he is, but I sure wouldn't want touch of Albino happening coming at my coos with a shop vac. I'LL tell you that right now. Oh, Jesus Christ.

[D]

Yeah. And I mean, all sorts of stuff has come out. Like he was charging, you know, 300 for a first trimester abortion and then in the thousands for late in the, you know, term abortion. And he had different facilities for white and black women. And he was lying to them about how far along their. I mean, just like all. It's hard to believe that it's real. He was lying to them about how far along they were actually and saying that they were less.

[A]

What was the plan? I mean, other than being ghoulish. What was the plan? I. Was it trying to sell fetuses, stem cell, whatever. I mean, was there. Was there a method to his madness or was just being a weirdo?

[D]

I. No, I. He was making money from people who

[A]

wanted abortions in third trimester abortions.

[D]

Well, he was doing them all throughout. Just an opportunist.

[A]

No, I like that. I mean, to me it's a hero. Getting rid of these fucking unwanted kids are just going to be criminals. Even though.

[D]

Even after 24 weeks, which is illegal.

[A]

And for me it goes right up into preschool. I don't care. But the point is, why is he keeping them all like frozen turkeys?

[D]

Maybe he's just lazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know.

[D]

Hiding the.

[F]

Maybe he didn't want invest in it.

[D]

The evidence. Yeah.

[A]

Get a wood chipper.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Or water balloon launcher and let the neighbors take care of it.

[D]

He lacked follow through.

[A]

That's the thing.

[D]

That's the problem. Everything else fine.

[A]

Right.

[D]

But it was that. It was the. The final. Well, you know, that's what they say about criminals. It's the dumb stuff that they. They're shoddy work.

[A]

They do stuff like they're motivated enough to make a list of stuff they need like zip ties, duct tape, ether rag. But they're not motivated enough to burn the list they make after. So later on they find the list. It's like they're. They're weird.

[D]

But.

[A]

Yeah. If you think about criminals in general,

[D]

you think they should just write burn list on the list.

[A]

That's. That would be a good Coen Brothers movie. Yeah, I. You should. That's right. Whenever you do that punch list of shit you need to kill someone or abduction, shovel, pickaxe, duct tape and all that at the bottom in bold. Hey, dumb fuck, burn this list.

[D]

Right.

[A]

That's what it should say. Yeah, you're right. It's a good idea. And then just to play a joke on yourself right over, just. So you went, huh? There's nothing there, but there may be some more duct tape.

[B]

All right.

[A]

I should tell you folks. Came home today, by the way. Came out to the shop a little earlier. Noticed I was out of the weed. Came home with a little Jeremiah weed under my arm. Nothing makes you feel. There's something about carrying. I was carrying the Jeremiah weed bottle, the 90 proof cherry sour mash. I was carrying other things in my hand, so I had it tucked into my armpit. It's a nice square bottle. Fits nicely in the pit. Somehow that made me an alcoholic because the sun was shining and I was walking up my driveway with this bottle shoved in my pit. I don't know why. If I've just been holding it right there been a bow on it or something, I wouldn't have been an alcoholic. Somehow carrying a couple coffee mugs in a CD and having it in my pit made me into essentially the drunk from Mayberry. Otis turned me into Otis.

[C]

Yeah, tell me about that, grandpa.

[A]

Doesn't matter if it's cold outside. Jeremiah. Jeremiah. That's my Spanish friend Jeremiah. Weed goes nice. Goes down nicely. Yeah. Love that cherry mash. 90 proof. Can't taste it, though. Have you tried that?

[D]

I never have, but I would like

[A]

to pour a little tumbler of the weed. Do yourself a favor, especially if it's

[D]

warmed by your armpit.

[A]

Sweet tea vodka is unbelievable as well. Drink the weed responsibly, but drink the weed. All right, quick break, Pat, who's coming in?

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Pat and Oswald in next.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Folks, this is Pops Corolla. I want to welcome you to our little show featuring Ray Oldhoeffer. It's about accompanying us on a journey to find the most essential self. In other words, improve yourself. Oh, you must like to improve yourself. Well, if you do want to improve yourself, you know where to come. Yeah, come the crop show, we're gonna have fun, fun life lessons with Jim Carolla every Wednesday only on the Ace Broadcasting Network. Hey, kitties. Good news. I'm ready to hit the road again. And this time to the Uptown theater in Napa, California on Friday, February 4th. And then on Saturday, February 5th, I'll be hitting the Nugget in Reno. If I know anything about these live shows, they're gonna sell out fast. I am that funny. Good one, ace man. Go to AdamCarolla.com for those and all my live upcoming shows.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Love me a little Molly Hatchet. Good times. Patton Oswalt is here. Pat has himself a book. Good to see you, Patton.

[C]

I wrote a bookie book.

[A]

The Zombie Spaceship Wasteland. I've been reading it and watching it on itunes up there near the top of the charts in the audio book selection. How did you do your audiobook?

[C]

I sat down and read my book. And then there were certain sections, like, there's a chapter where I talk about working at a movie theater. And the R.E.M album, Fables of the Reconstruction was a big deal for me. So I used the lyrics of it as, like, little breaks in the narrative. And I got Michael Stipe to read his lyrics on the book. Or.

[A]

That's a. That's a big poll.

[C]

Because that's a big get.

[A]

Because it's not like he does anything, right.

[C]

Well, I mean, no, he. He's a very active guy. He does a lot of stuff and produces.

[A]

But you couldn't get him to do a commercial for AT&T.

[C]

No. He wouldn't go like, I'm Michael Stipend when I'm chafing.

[A]

Right.

[C]

I read Gold Mine. Right. Thanks. Gold Bond.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Through my.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

German tour that I did.

[A]

Sure. So do you know him?

[C]

Evidently I have friends. We have many, many friends in common. And he turned out. He. You know, he said he. He was. He'd be glad to do it. And, like, the chapter. And what was really cool was when he read the lyrics that I wrote down. I went to the. I went to lyric sites where people had, you know, he. He has hard lyrics to decipher.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

And he read the lyrics. He's like, oh, these lyrics are all wrong. These aren't the lyrics that we wrote.

[D]

But.

[C]

But he loved the fact that that's how they've been interpreted. And that's how I heard it.

[E]

Right.

[C]

And that's how it affected my life. She goes, we're gonna go with these.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So he was like, so cool about that. But he's like, no. Once you. I think he has that philosophy of when you record a song, it's kind of not yours anymore. Like, it's then in the hands of people that listen to it.

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

I.

[A]

It is funny, though, when you are sitting around with somebody, especially when a song is 15 or 20 years old that comes on the radio, friend start singing, and then they start fucking it up.

[C]

Oh, boy.

[A]

And it's a weird moment where you got a weird look on your face, and then you have a decision to make. Do you destroy their world?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You risk them embarrassing themselves in front of others who may not be as kind as you. And what happens on karaoke.

[C]

Okay. But what if there's. What I. Oh, yeah. What happened what happens if you look at that screen? Their heart gets broken.

[A]

My. My friend Mark did the toto song hold the Line. Hold the line. And I'm just. We're driving to Vegas and it came on. He's like, oh, I love this song. And it's like, not in the way that you look. And a certain point. And then he burst into it. Those are lies. And I realized he's had a 19 year run with this song, screaming, those are lies. But instead of holding the line in

[C]

the context of the lyrics, that still works.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

In. In building them. What? They're. What, they're talking about that.

[A]

No, I. Unlike when my buddy Steve turned Taking care of business by BTO into taking care of pistons, that one did not work.

[C]

I always thought, yeah, if we do

[A]

this one, we play the song. If we yell those are lies, I. I think it'll work. You know? Love isn't always on time.

[C]

Yeah. Those are lies. It isn't always on time. It still fits.

[A]

Those are lies. Love isn't always on time. And flawless. Your brain, when it's up, can build a bridge that is longer than the channel.

[D]

Your brain is never more creative than when it's up.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

It really can build bridges.

[C]

Who thought that the Squeeze song Pulling Muscles from the Shell was actually about a girl named Michelle that gets murdered?

[A]

Oh, really?

[C]

Yeah. And it was something like.

[E]

Something.

[C]

Love that song Muscles from Michelle. Like. Like a guy. He thought it was a guy who was pulling the muscles out of Michelle really had gone crazy and was murdering her at the beach.

[A]

Love this song. Yeah. Don't need to hear any more Black coffee in bed. But this I could hear a lot.

[C]

A lot. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with this one.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And Michael Stipe has got to be the ultimate guy to just talk about my song getting misinterpreted because he wrote. They did that song, the one I love, which is just about hatred. It's about, you know, you're just a prop. And now I'm on the road and another prop is occupying my time.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

And it was like this song that people played at weddings and it proms. That's not a love.

[A]

They did Shiny happy people. Sort of a goof, too.

[C]

He probably did that to go, look, you want a happy song, people? How about this?

[A]

He was goofing.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

I think that's sort of a goof.

[C]

The one I love is a really tortured, brilliant piece of music.

[A]

I don't know anything about the man other than he's huge into the mma he loves mixed martial arts. That's all I've heard about him. That's all I can tell. He's always ringside. Him and Joe Rogan never stopped. But that's all I know about the man.

[C]

Yeah, well, look, then. Then you know what? Everyone already knows.

[A]

I guess so.

[C]

You can't say, you know, he loves

[A]

to mix martial arts.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

So what is it? Is he in Atlanta? He's living in Atlanta.

[C]

He either lives in it. I'm. I have a feeling he has homes everywhere, but he probably lives in Athens

[A]

or Atlanta or someplace, and he's sort of citizen of the world. Is he bi? Is he gay? Do you know?

[C]

I don't know. You know, does Adam or I have

[D]

a better shot with him?

[A]

Yeah, he's got a better shot. And he's really. At a certain point, he's starting to look like Bill Murray. If we could put some weight on him.

[C]

There's nothing wrong with turning into Bill Murray. No, because he just. Because basically turning into Bill Murray says you're turning into hot rumpled wisdom. You know, like that you turn into the rumpled. That still gets chicks.

[A]

Right.

[C]

So if he's headed towards Bill Murray.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Then he can just kick back and coast. That's a great place to head towards.

[A]

Yeah. Although I don't know if he wants to pull.

[C]

I'm heading towards tova Borg 9, so, I mean, I gotta fight him every second of the way.

[A]

I don't know if he wants to draw.

[D]

I feel like that's also hot rumpled wisdom.

[C]

Hot rumpled wisdom.

[D]

He also looks like he's. He is beginning to look like the guy who played the dad in Juno, whose name I'm forgetting.

[A]

J.K. simmons. Yeah.

[E]

Little.

[B]

That.

[A]

Sorry. So he read. You got Michael Stipe to read his

[C]

lyrics on the audiobook.

[A]

That is a huge.

[C]

I asked a friend who asked him, and it wasn't that I got him to do it. It was that Michael Stipe was so ridiculously nice to go. Yeah, I'll read this.

[A]

But I think part of it. You know, part of it is you being cool.

[C]

I mean, I hope so.

[A]

I mean.

[C]

I mean, the reason.

[A]

No, but I mean, you're not a douchebag comedian.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[C]

I. You know what? I'm gonna go ahead and agree with you.

[A]

Yeah. Takes a. Takes a brave.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Brave man.

[C]

Hang on. I just feel like I've just. I've just taken a step off a cliff. I'm not a douchebag comedian. Okay. Oh, I've admitted it.

[A]

Well, I'm saying if you were, you know, I don't know, Jeff Foxworthy or the guy does the ventriloquist things that sells a million, sells off stadiums or.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Jeff Dunham or something racist. Yeah. Right, right. If you're that guy, probably wouldn't have agreed to sign off on the book.

[C]

Yeah. Could you read something with my puppet? The black puppet with the gigantic lips and teeth.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Do something with that.

[A]

Right. Name Lucius.

[C]

That'll help you out.

[A]

Right.

[C]

That should help your image.

[A]

You're.

[E]

You're.

[A]

You're thinking man's comic, and a smart comic. That's what I would say. And versatile. I was. I was saying I heard a very

[C]

interesting story that J.K. simmons told me. I met him at a screening, and. And I was like, I've just. I've been a huge. I don't want to bother you. I'd have been a huge fan of yours ever since, like, Oz. And again, he was so nice, talked to me for, like, 10 minutes. And he was saying, you know, my wife is a Broadway actress, and she was in Beauty and the Beast. She was one of the, you know, like, dancers and chorus members. So there were all these, you know, in the Broadway musical, the. The silverware comes out and dances and the teapot. You know, like, there's all. Everyone is. So he said a lot of the. When he was doing Oz, a lot of the knives and forks were, you know, gay men. Gay men were playing these parts, and they all would tell her, oh, Your husband is J.K. simmons. They all had these weird fantasies about his character on Oz. The kind of the. The rapist, white supremacist guy.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

So there was a whole line of knives and forks in the Beauty and the Beast musical that had, like, gay rape, white power fantasies about jk And

[A]

I wonder, like, if you're a spork, are you bi? Like, I'm trying to think, like, all right, knives, gay guys, fork, sporks. You guys. You guys in Elton John, you're Spork.

[D]

Like, if you're a fork with three tines versus four times, it's one of those weird.

[C]

Hey, you know, I made out with him last week, and now he's. He's hanging out with. With Frank the Spoon. What's going. Well, he's. You know, he's a spork, right?

[A]

Oh, no, I didn't know that.

[C]

Yeah, he's a total sport.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[C]

He's cool. He's cool to hang out with, but, you know, he's a sport.

[A]

This could be spork. Phase. Yeah, it could be just.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

He's in college right now.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Experimented with sporks at one time or another.

[D]

I never had a spork phase. And I don't know if it's just because I'm sort of shut down.

[A]

If you'd gone to Jewish camp in the 70s, you would have had a spork experience. That's all I'm saying. Pat, for you. And I was watching Ratatouille with my kids and enjoying that. Thank you. And explaining to my Guatemalan nanny, Olga, I said, I know the guy does the voice of the rat. And she said, he does not talk. And I said, yeah, he does. And she says, no, he doesn't. And I said, yeah, he's gonna wait, he'll start talking. And then at a certain point you start talking. And she went, hey, make that noise that Latin people make when you're right,

[C]

hey, Diablo, he's talking red diablo.

[A]

So that was that. And I was thinking, it's nice. So, you know, you make independent films, you do stand up, you write books, you do animated films, big budget stuff and all that kind of stuff. Do you like just bopping around and playing all the different instruments in the orchestra pit?

[C]

Definitely, yeah. That's. That was my. Kind of. My dream was I always wanted to stand up first and foremost, but to get to do interesting things and make money doing it and. Or not, you know, not to make like crazy money because then it takes over your career and that's what you have to do. But just to be. To have the freedom to keep. Keep being a moving target and never have to settle on one thing, right. And just, oh, I'm interested in doing this. I'm gonna go do this right, you

[A]

know, and you always stand up is basically like you're a blacksmith and it's 200 years ago and you're just walking from town to town. But you have a hammer and you have an anvil and you can always pick up some work. So if the shit doesn't work out and whatever, the trading, you know, the whole spice thing doesn't work out for you. Yeah, you can always just pick up that hammer and the anvil and get back to work.

[C]

There's always horse that needs shoeing, and there's always a pot of stew on someone's. In someone's hearth, right? And I just kind of go in and hey, I'll just show your mules if you.

[A]

That's kind of what stand up is to.

[C]

It is now a lot of guys. Yeah. Yeah. And it's, it's also. It is a completely dictatorial post. I, it. There's no committee, there's no collaboration.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

I just go up and whatever I say goes. And there's to still have that outlet with all the other stuff I'm doing, which. And I have no problem like. But writing a book. You, you work. You. You wrote a book. There were. I'm sure you had an editor that was like, hey, it might work better if you, like, you had to work back and forth.

[A]

Well, a little, because I'm me. I always get the 27 year old chick who has no idea what I'm talking about. And, and then does the. No one would ever put. No one's heard of Huey Lewis in the news. You know, like that kind of thing. And you go, they have. Sweetie, you're just.

[F]

You're too.

[C]

You're you. You know, instead of Slade, can we say Justin Bieber? Let me just float that out there, right? I know you like Slade, whoever that person is.

[A]

And I got along great with my editor and she was great, but she comes from a completely different background. She's much younger than I. She's a different gender, hair's a different color than mine. And you're just not gonna have these shared experiences. And thus your experience is gonna seem. Seem sort of alien to her. And. And so you have to deal with that. And by the way, you're writing a book. You can't tell Crown or whatever. My. Who published my book? I gotta find it.

[F]

Damn good question.

[C]

Yeah, Schmecky Books.

[A]

Schmecky Books.

[C]

Didn't you go with Schmecky Books?

[A]

I went with Schmecky. Yeah. There was Crown or something. Harper Collins. Yeah. And then Crown.

[F]

Never mind.

[A]

Or something like that. But the point is this. You can't tell them to go off like you gotta go. Listen, sweetie, I've written no books in my life, so I think I know what I'm talking about.

[F]

All right?

[A]

You can't argue with my zero track record.

[C]

I don't know who this Don DeLillo is you've edited, but I have been on Conan O' Brien 11 times, so I think I know what I'm talking about. Right. With my. I was in a Sierra Ms. Commercial. So you will leave that paragraph untouched.

[A]

Right.

[C]

I don't care how passive the verbs are.

[A]

Random House. Sorry. There you go. Yeah, Your little unknown indie book label, Random House. Yeah, so you can't do it. But now, so speaking of, you know, independence and doing your own thing and as A creator. It's not just comedy. It's really you just, whether you're painting or whether you're doing poetry, you sort of want to be left alone and you want to do what you think's interesting.

[C]

I need, you need time to go hermit it up a little bit.

[A]

And there's a lot of, lot of chefs in the kitchen when it comes to comedy, especially sitcoms and. Yes. And the thing I wanted to ask you about is when I was at NBC doing my failed sitcom, Matthew Broderick was at NBC doing his failed sitcom. And I heard who else is in the sitcom? He said, patton Oswalt's in sitcom. And then at a certain point they did a table read and they said, patton Oswald's not in the sitcom. And I said, and I'm not just, you know, retroactively kissing ass. I was like, Patton is a super talented guy, has a big body of work behind him. They knew exactly what they were getting when they hired him. What could have happened at that table read?

[C]

Well, from what I can.

[E]

Can.

[C]

No. Well, basically what happened was that the healing start.

[A]

The, the by the way, the table read is just before you start shooting. Pretty much.

[C]

It was the, here's what sucked about it. It was the, the creator and the, and the exact producer wanted me, over the objections of the network from the get go, right. Like, this is the guy we want. This is how we want to take the show. And then it was like, we want a really young guy in this role. And they went, no, no young guys. Not really. Right. It's got to be an older guy because of how we're doing this, this thing. And so they basically, they dug their heels in and they won that battle, but the network let that go so that they could eventually win the war. And you know, I'm not trying to, you know, say that I got, you know, I'm trying, I'm not trying to whine and say that I got screwed over. Stuff, bad stuff happens all the time. You just move on. But it was one of those table reads where they had a satellite hookup with LA that the screen kept going at out.

[A]

You were in New York.

[C]

We were in New York. Matthew Broderick was like the nicest guy.

[A]

And then after another big MMA fan

[C]

and then after, oh God, that dude, tell him to do clap push ups. He'll bang out 70 right there.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So he, and he was like so nice to me after the next day when, when basically I got the call from the creator saying, look, they're, they're Telling me that either. Either if you get fired or there's no show. And the tapery was a disaster for everybody because everything. The mics would cut out, the screen would cut out. It was a nightmare. But. And then I said, look, I just went through this really bad experience on Broadway where I got dragged into something that I had nothing to do with. And I'd really like this to be kept out of the press because people get let go from sitcoms all the time in the early stages.

[A]

Right.

[C]

And he said, oh, yeah, this will be nothing. And then when I landed the next day in la, I get a call, I have. I get a text from the show's creator going, I'm so sorry about the Hollywood Reporter man. And I went, and I, and I, and I. And I was in the car going home and I had him pull over that newsstand on Cahuenga, and I picked right on the front. But Pat Noswalt fired after disastrous table read.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And I was just like, so that was. That was a really awful three.

[A]

Right. It's as if you fucked up the table read.

[C]

Yeah. And what really sucked was the people that were being really good, the, the creators. And, and I'll say it, I did

[D]

a really good job.

[C]

I did a really good job. And not what I read.

[A]

The reporter.

[C]

Well, is Holly reporter's gospel, basically.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So. And Matthew Broderick was so fun to work with. And then these two unknowns who also, they played people that were on the staff, these two young actors that were fantastic. And then everything just got kind of screwed over because of the, because of the, the, the network had a different idea about it. And sometimes when people go to bat on your behalf, that can really backfire, you know, and it wasn't.

[A]

What, what, what happens is, is it, you know, somebody says, no, we want patent, and the network says, no, we don't want patent. And then they'll. They'll shove it up the ass. But it's a temporary ass. Shove it.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

You will get shat out eventually.

[C]

Yeah. The network pretty strong ass muscles, right? And they can shoot something right back.

[D]

It's amazing.

[A]

Like a dart dipped in cure.

[C]

Well, they fired that. They fired that butt dart all the way back to la.

[A]

Here's what you don't hear out of the network, folks. You don't hear, hey, man, we were wrong. That guy's awesome. So what. What they you. It's hard to turn them around. So they just wait for an opportunity

[C]

or I would have been totally cool with, you know, you did A good job, but it's not what we want. I understand that. I've been on the other end of that casting stuff, you know, casting other pilots where there's someone that I fought for so hard and then I. Then the network makes an ultimatum and I have to go either fight for this person or I have no show.

[A]

Right.

[C]

And it really sucks, you know, I mean, Tina Fey went through that on. On 30 rocks, you know, so it's really hard. Sure, it really sucks. But again, again, that's what we were talking about earlier. When you get to that level, there are cooks in the kitchen way more than you and you don't have. It's not a dictatorial post to create a sitcom or do a movie or write a book.

[A]

Right. And. But a little more writing a book. Maybe a little more in an independent film.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Something like big fan especially, which Pat was great in. And it did a, you know, almost serious role, which was very moving, very good. And. And then there he is now. And then you get in the same. But the thing I couldn't figure out because I was doing a sitcom simultaneously for NBC.

[C]

Were you in New York?

[A]

No, I was in la. Having. Having the same kind of casting arguments with the brass, except for. In a different one. Except for it. It's so awesome. No one, you know, I don't mind people being wrong. I mind when people are wrong and then just grab onto it with both hands and take it to the grave. Like, they never go, sorry. Right. We. We were doing a sitcom and they basically saw my independent movie, the Hammer, and they went, which is a terrific

[C]

movie, by the way. Thank you. That is it. That was a really terrific, like early 70s kind of, you know, that era of filmmaking kind of movie.

[A]

That. That was the plan, actually. And Fantastic. And. And so they wanted to capture a little slice of that.

[E]

Sure.

[A]

So I said, okay, we'll do that and we'll get me and Kevin Hench, who wrote the Hammer, and we'll do it sit kind of single camera sitcom version of that. And it'll be me and my sidekick Oswaldo from the Hammer, that everyone loved. And they're like, well, we're not casting that guy. And I was like, why not? And they're like, he's. He's an unknown. Like he's not an actor. And I was like, well, he wasn't an actor before. We did a 90 minute.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Movie with him.

[C]

Which he was good. In which you seem to like you

[A]

guys like that movie. And sports illustrates. It was the best sports comedy of 08. So how bad can he be? So why don't we. And I've known the guy for 20 years, so why don't. And the camera. Camera likes him. There he is. Why not just put Ozzy in the role of. By the way, the role's called Ozzy.

[C]

Maybe it's guys with names that sound like Oswald or Oswald, they just get screwed by the network.

[A]

Maybe that's it. Yeah.

[C]

Pattern.

[A]

We looked at 700 Latin guys and the problem was is they all had to do a bad fake accent. And the bad fake accent was kind of a turn off. Like it was. It was kind of. It was racist. Yeah, it was racist. So. So they ended up. So at some point I gave an impassioned speech in front of everyone and I just said, look, you know, now

[C]

we're like Gary Cooper at the end of Fountainhead.

[A]

We're four days away from taping. And I said, please listen to me. That's. They cast a Puerto Rican guy who had red hair, freckles, and was in his early 20s for this sidekick guy who was supposed to be in his early 50s, late 40s, whatever, right? And at a certain point I said to everybody, please listen to me. I know this guy. We've worked together, we shot a movie together. The producer, the creator of this show, the co creators of the show, shot an independent film that you guys all love with this guy. Believe me, the audiences love this guy. They start laughing when he walks onto the. Into the frame. He's a lovable, likable guy. Believe me, there's no problem. And if you hire the guy from New York who's Puerto Rican, who speaks perfect English and tell him to ham up a Spanish accent, you could offend some people. And they said, thank you. Now we're going to hire the guy from New York, who's 24 with Puerto Rican, who speaks perfect English. And they hired him. Two days later we did a table read and he faked the accent. The table read went great except for one part, this guy's comical fake Spanish accent, which wasn't really his fault. He was trying to do it up, that's what. When we were done, they went in the room, convened for half an hour, came back in and said we liked it, everything was great. We had one major problem. That guy with the fake accent was offensive. And I was like, hell, hello, Hello.

[C]

What sucks is that not only start

[A]

off with a fruit basket and then say what you have to say. Fucking nut jobs are all wrong all the time. Jesus fucking Christ.

[C]

Not only only do You. Does it make you look bad? It takes this young actor who's probably a terrific actor, put him in a horrible position where he has to do something bad, and then he looks awful and then they blame somebody. So it just.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And again, everyone looks awful except them. They're the ones that. To go, adam, what is your problem? That was so racist. Why did you do that? Like, and you look like this. This animal basically.

[A]

Nice guy, Good actor. He wasn't ozzy. Ozzy's a 49 year old father of whatever.

[C]

It's almost like they're bl for not being 49 years old. I know we hired this 20 year old and he didn't have the Courtesy to turn 49 years old after we hired him.

[A]

And Ozzy's. Ozzy's character and Ozzy are Nicaraguan. This guy's not Nicaraguan. This guy has red hair and freckles. Like he had a fake accent. It was a horrible decision made by a group of what I now know are stupid people who are not smart enough to apologize, quite honestly when they're fucking wrong, but aren't human enough. I spent an entire. The entire prep for the show arguing over Ozzy's role when we could have been actually working on how did Ozzy take all this? Ozzy is the nicest guy in the world. And Ozzy just sat there. And then at a certain point when we were done and this guy gave his semi offensive performance two days before it was time to start rolling, they said. I said, all right, now do you understand what just happened there? Let's get Ozzy now. They said, not so fast. You need to work with this guy and get him into shape. And I said, really? Still not. Still not ready to cut this one.

[C]

It just feels like every time I get hired to punch up a script and I'm being paid a nice. A nice amount of money to work to fix a script that someone got a profane amount of money to write badly. Does that make sense?

[A]

Oh, yes.

[C]

And that always drives me nuts when they're just like we. Look, this guy wrote a horrible script, but we sent him away with a couple million, so he's off licking his wounds. Here is a. A bagel tray and all the coffee you can drink to punch this thing up and make it work. Yeah, because of this script you wrote a few years ago that we really liked that we'll never shoot in a million years, but it certainly got you the punch up over here.

[D]

That doesn't sound like such a bad situation.

[C]

No, I. But Again, it's like, I'm not. I'm not trying to bitch about oh, woe is me. I'm just saying, look at. The value system is very skewed.

[A]

And not only that, you know, the thing that is insane to me and it's insane to me and almost all facets of life, which is this, at a certain point, and I don't know why people don't focus. I wish people focused a little more on psychology and a little less on religion, politics, or even the bottom line. At a certain point, somebody's got to say to somebody, hey, man, man. The star of the show and the creator of the show and the writer of the show does not want to work with this Puerto Rican guy who he's never met before, who's 24 and from New York, who he has no chemistry with. Why do we want to shove these two together to create instant chemistry. Chemistry, when the star of the show obviously just doesn't want to dance with this dude? Why not just give him the guy he's used to working with, even if that guy has his shortcomings or limitations, at least the guy's known him for 20 years and has shot an independent movie with him. Where's the psychology, you fucking retard?

[C]

What I think the psychology is.

[A]

Oh, they're obviously. They're pompous asses. And that's where it comes from.

[C]

It's also. But it's. It's. It's the insecurity of. It's the people at the top, and it's these three words that ruined so many sitcoms in development, which is. I'm funny, too. I just. I don't know if you know, but I did not.

[A]

See.

[C]

When I was in college, I did a little creative writing. I just want to. I mean, I'm funny, too. I can add stuff to this, and I'd be glad to help you out. Like.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, you have that. That. That podcast and you run all those shows. But I just. It's. It'll. It'll relieve you to know that I'm also really funny. Like, around the office, the people that I pay, they're in hysterics, and every time I say something, they think I'm amazing.

[A]

Amazing. I want to. I always want to do this because, you know, you know, this goes especially when you're doing the table read or you're p. You're getting the notes or whatever. You're getting somebody who's in the business of being funny but doesn't have a shred. Of funny in them gives you this. At some point, they go, what if. Pat. And pat. What if. What if? Instead of, you know, instead of confronting your ex girlfriend at the dry cleaners, you did. Not this, but something like. I mean, not this, not this isn't funny, but something like something. I always want to yell, hey, Dick, how about you spit something out that's funny. How about that? Okay, see this? I got a ballpoint pen. Go ahead, go ahead. Don't give me not this, not this. They do.

[F]

They do.

[A]

Not what you want to do. Not what you think is funny. I have another idea. It's not funny. Not this, not this, but something like. But not this, but not. Yeah, not this, not this. Really? Here's the deal. How about this? How about I got a solid eight, you beat it with a nine or you shut the up. Don't give me the not this.

[C]

I've. I've never been. Nothing is more frustrating than when you're in a room and there's some guy. I worked on a sketch show, and there was some kind of, like, writers intern program. And so they brought in this guy that was a friend of one of the cast members. And he was the worst. He had not a shred of funny in him. But what happens is when somebody dumb pipes up and says something stupid, instead of everyone going, can we just not address that at all and just move on? All the network guys, like, well, wait a minute. If he had a problem, right? We should maybe discuss this. You're like, we're gonna waste. Basically. I'll give you an example. A guy on this sketch show, one of the writers pitched a sketch, and it was. It was a simple idea and really funny. A guy is giving a eulogy at the funeral. During the eulogy, it becomes clear that the guy who died died owing him $20. Right? And he has not let that go. And it's seeping into the eulogy. And there you go. Okay, there's your sketch. So the guy, this writer's intern, $20. I mean, who cares? The guy should have died owing him like a hundred thousand dollars, right? Then he'd have a right to be pissed. And I. You could see all the other. Just like, let's pretend he didn't just say, please, God, right? Please. And then all that. It was like, maybe that is the way to go. Right? So in other words.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

So you're making it not a comedic sketch.

[A]

Right.

[C]

That is a perfectly logical thing to be upset about.

[E]

Sure.

[C]

What?

[A]

I know, but.

[C]

And we. And an hour of my Life is. Is forever. Going an hour because of this guy. Wait a minute.

[A]

You should have a air horn that they used to start boat regattas with where he's just halfway into his. Wait a minute.

[F]

You just.

[C]

No, we're not even going down this road. No.

[A]

How about this one? How about the. I always call them the friends of your moms because, like, at NBC was just like eight chicks and none of them were funny. And you're like, it reminded me of my mom's friends when I was a kid. Like, I don't know what you do, but you're kind of scary. But you sure ain't funny. But I'm scared of you and I don't know what to do. And there's certainly. We have no common ground and I don't want to talk to you. And even though we're in my home, I'm still scared shitless you're going to yell at me. So.

[C]

Right.

[A]

The friend, one of the friends of the moms of your mom's friend is sitting at the end of the table, at the end, goes, I didn't get that they were divorced. And you go, well, it says, you know, you're my ex wife and I don't need to listen to you anymore because I don't once you get divorced. Yeah, but it was Shelly. Was it unclear to you? Yeah, I was a little unclear that. Okay, well, maybe if you guys could make that.

[C]

And.

[A]

And it's like, no, maybe Shelly's dumb or was tuned out. Why should we go ahead and tweak the script when it's already in the script? Someone out there in the audience right now, turns out Shelly's dumb and doesn't know about comics.

[C]

If, if the people existed that the networks thought up in their heads that were out there watching, that were potentially watching our stuff, there would be people out there that literally could not, could not that were just defecating their pants.

[E]

Sure.

[C]

Weirdly held jobs and could buy the products they advertise.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Also, weirdly enough, defecate in their pants and just like randomly masturbate for no reason while they talk to people. Right? And if, if you're. If you give them more than two concepts like, hey, could you. Could I get a coffee and put some sugar in it before they just would scream and run away. Like, if those people existed, that would. There'd be a frightening world.

[A]

But at least the Broderick pilot never got picked up, so you didn't have to go through that watching a young doppelganger.

[C]

But that sucked too. Because then I ended up part of me, and I'm going to be totally honest, part of me was rooting against people that I had worked with for four days that I genuinely liked and I was rooting for them to fail. There's nothing more hateful in this business than because of a decision like that where you're hurt and embarrassed, you then end up. I spent some time, part of me was hoping that they all failed.

[E]

Sure.

[C]

And I hate that I felt that way. But part of you does. Yeah. You know, are you kidding? You're totally. But, but it just like why am I put in that like I'm the guy who's trying to be creative and helpful and curious and outgoing and people that are closed minded and kind of frightened, they're the ones that, that get to have 10 hours sleep a night and never worry, you know, have uncreased face and you know.

[A]

I know. But the thing that's also weird is they were after Broderick to do a sitcom for like 10 years and then he finally does it and it's like man, not going on the air. Which seemed.

[C]

I don't get it.

[A]

I don't get, I don't get any of it either.

[C]

I've had friends be fired from their own pilots that the show was structured around them and was written to their voice and then they will be recast out of their own show.

[A]

I was not. That happened when I did a pilot.

[C]

I mean I've seen it happen to friends. There's some friends where I'm just like, if I ever get another pilot, I'm just going to, I'm going to recast myself before the first daybreak. I'm just going to get. Or. Oh, can I really?

[A]

Yes, go ahead.

[C]

You know Meryl Marco, the writer, she said one of the.

[A]

Letterman's old girlfriend.

[C]

Yeah. She said one of the funniest things ever, which was, you know how they. Every first draft of every screenplay they just immediately toss it and rewrite the. She goes, well, why don't we just hire homeless people to write first drafts of screenplays? It'll give a little money.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

No one's going to use it anyway. Just let them write the first draft.

[A]

I. It's, it's insane. And eventually when you get to the 33rd draft, it's worse than the first draft. And then you start floating and losing yourself and you start floating. Like is that joke in there? Is that set up in there? When I did a CBS4 camera sitcom that bald Brian was in the audience for I do believe at a certain point, I was the star. I was the creator. I wrote the script. And at a certain point after the table read or the run through, we did a run through and they said, okay, now you've done the run through, we need to have a notes session. So if we could get the showrunner and executive producer and everything. And I said, oh, okay, so here. Oh, Adam, not, Not. Not for you. And I was like, shouldn't I be in the notes session considering I'm starring in it? I created it and I wrote it or co wrote it with my partner. And they said, yeah, some of the notes are performance oriented and we just be more comfortable if you weren't here. And I was like, well, so I'm supposed to sit in a bungalow.

[D]

You're supposed to guess and guess what they feel.

[C]

They just openly told you we didn't like your performance. Go talk behind your back.

[A]

So then the guys came back to the bungalow, and I was like, of course. It's the shittiest two hours of my life. I was like, oh, that was horrible. And so they come back to the bungalow, and I was like, okay, so what's up? And they're like, they didn't really have any performance notes. So you're like, you're fine. Kevin Hench gives me the straight dope. He was like, they don't really have any notes for you. So I was like, all right, so I should have been there. And then he says, but they did want this. And then the other guy, Alan Kirschenbaum, the showrunner, goes, oh, I don't think that's what they were saying. I think they said, and Kevin Henson, I'm pretty sure when they. Nancy said this, he said, now I disagree. And now we were all confused because I wasn't there to go, no, this is what she meant. Could not be present in the note session of my sitcom.

[C]

I love Alan Kershaw. I worked with him.

[A]

He fucking mensch.

[C]

I worked with him on developing a show for me years and years and years ago that didn't. What a all of God, what a nice guy.

[A]

I love eating with Alan Kirschenbaum. Wait a minute. That should be our sitcom.

[C]

When I worked with him, he just had a little mustache.

[A]

Well, it's going. I think.

[C]

Or maybe it was a different guy. No, I'm pretty sure I worked with him.

[D]

What happens when you eat with him?

[A]

He's just, first off, Jews are great to eat with. They tell you what to order. They. They always know the staff, you know what I mean, they'll warn you against certain things. Oh, no, you don't want that. No, don't get that. Get this. You should get the lavage press, you know, and stuff like that. They've eate everywhere, by the way.

[C]

You know what? All Jews look alike to me. I'll just say that right now.

[A]

Yeah, maybe it was the more, you know, the more you know. Yeah. Love eating with Alan. A great guy. Love that guy. So, yeah, him and Hench were confused about the note session that I wasn't allowed to be at. And by the way, psychologically, go wait in the bungalow while we talk about your performance. Is that. Is that better than you saying, I could have used a little more energy?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

To my face.

[C]

Yeah. Don't leave stuff like that.

[D]

Preserving your psychological integrity. I mean, there, I destroy it.

[A]

Actually, I have thought about this long and hard and decided that I think it's quite the opposite. I think it's a sort of baptism by fire. And they're saying, look, if this guy can't handle it, we don't want him. And I'll give you an example. And Patton will know this one very well, which is they build your fake kitchen and your fake living room and your fake set, you know, and there's stairs that lead to nowhere, and they put it right in the middle of a soundstage stage, and there they are. And at a certain point you go, all right, we've done the table read. It's a day or two days before we're going to shoot. Let's do. Let's. Let's do the run through. And sometimes you're off script, sometimes you're holding the script, usually, and then do the run through. Now, all the scary executives who never crack a smile and don't understand any of the references, they don't sit in the dark bleachers where the audience would be. And by the way, if they were small, there's eight of them. They'd go, look, you go up to the right corner. You go the left corner. I'll sit in front. Let's spread out and see how this looks from the perspective of the audience. No, they have high director's chairs. They move them all the way down the road. Like, if you go from the living room to your fake kitchen, somebody will

[C]

slide, follow the podium on wheels.

[A]

Follow the podium wheels. And they slide. And they slide it right up to the edge of the fake painted living room floor.

[E]

So.

[A]

So when you're doing your acting, you may be talking to your son or your daughter two feet behind him is a row of scary, scary women that your mom knew when you were in high school.

[D]

Like sitcom in the round.

[A]

And there's nothing more distracting than you attempting to do that. You're already, of course, a bundle of nerves. Now you're attempting to do with these people. Literally, you can see every facial expression they have, which is not none. But if they weren't so Botox, you could tell there wasn't anything going on. And it's. There's more pressure, by the way. What they should do is just go, we're gonna go up into the stands. Forget we're here, run it, have fun with it. You know, instead of. We'll be up your ass and see if you crack.

[C]

Yeah. And nothing's more, more disheartening than, than a hot executive, male or female, because you look at them and you're like that, that person's in the gym five hours a day. They're not reading comedy and they're not up on what is the good writing, what's the good performance?

[A]

Funny. You're not. You have 3% body fat.

[C]

They look awesome. And you're just like, you don't know. You haven't had a single reason to ever have to be funny in your life. Look at you.

[A]

I know. Rock hard abs for good looking, like, oh, man. Yeah.

[C]

No, they're not going to get my tubby worldview.

[A]

So why would they, why would they sit up really literally on the set and row, row, seven of them up right in Q, seven right in front of you. I know, but why are you fucking with the performers? That's all I'm saying. Move back. And here's again, simple psychology. Here's we all want the same thing. We want a good performance and thus a good outcome. Here's how you can get a better performance. You know the baseball, the baseball coach walks to the mound after the guy walks two batters and he doesn't go, are you fucking. Jesus Christ, if you walk another guy, I'm gonna fucking throw a fungo bat at your head from the dugout. They go, hey, man, relax. Just play catch. Just play catch. I'm not pulling. You just play catch. And he walks back there. Now he's thinking, I'm gonna fucking pull this guy. But he knows if he screams at the guy and gets in his grill, the next one's going over the backstop. So he tells him, just play catch. I don't know why they don't do a version of that. When you do this, like, just come out and go, we'll be up in the bleachers, we'll shut ourselves. Phones just play catch out there.

[C]

There are some, you know, I will say there are some people that I have, again, for all the bad executive behavior that we're describing, there are people in those trenches who are fighting the good fight. I've worked with executive. I work with a development executive who flat out told me before I had a blind script there when working on a movie that I was writing. And he goes, I'm not funny. I've never been the funny one in the room. I know how to get the right people to get together to make a movie. But you're gonna have to pick up the funny slack here. I'm not gonna sit here and insist on, can't something fart? That's just not my job. And I wouldn't do it well anyway. He had come up through the trenches and had seen good scripts get, you know, hobbled, Misery style. Like, you know, like a lot of executives are basically just Kathy Bates and Misery.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

Like, and it's that whole, I'm doing this because I love you and I love this movie and I want to help it crack.

[A]

Right.

[C]

You know, and he's like, I'm not, I'm not wielding the sledgehammer here.

[A]

Right.

[C]

You know, so that. So, yeah. And especially, I don't know how we lucked out, but a lot of the, the guys at, at Sony and at CBS King of Queens were very, very hands off and just let Kevin James do what he does. And they weren't really. They didn't mess with the show that much.

[A]

And usually, at least as far as I saw, the catch 22 is once you have a successful season under your belt, they will back off because they realize, all right, these guys know what they're doing. But it's hard to get the successful season under your belt with all the chefs in the kitchen.

[C]

Or the horrible thing happens, which is a successful season gets under your belt and everybody suddenly wants on that thing because everything else in their ocean is sinking. They want to get, you know, the Titanic is going down.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

They're going to get on the one lifeboat, even if it sinks everyone else. A lot of great shows, shows have been ruined in the second and third seasons by everyone trying to then, as my friend Blaine Kapach calls it, get their big peanut butter fingerprints on it to go. I help too.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And then, and then that can end up ruining.

[A]

Get Ted McGinley on this thing. Come on, we need a good looking neighbor. Let's do it. All right, should we do a little news?

[E]

How about.

[A]

How about we continue with that, Pat? Of course, you just dive in, say whatever you like. And now the rest of the news with Allison Rosen.

[D]

All right. A professor in Philadelphia says he has finally solved the question, once and for all, of what's the best hangover cure? It's caffeine and aspirin. He induced headaches in rats using small amounts of ethanol and then gave them caffeine and anti inflammatories and found the combo blocked the acetate, which apparently is a headache inducing chemical ethanol produces.

[C]

I always think saying that's the morning after or before you go to sleep after you've been drinking.

[D]

Well, in the rats, it was four to six hours later, which is so it's.

[A]

It's aspirin and caffeine. I'll tell you. Fine, I like it. But something, the thing that drives me insane, insane with every tip. And it happens every New Year's Eve where they do the bad local news story, like a lot of you people gonna ring in the New Year's with a couple of cocktails. Here's our hangover remedy. And then, you know, it starts. First off, those. We'll be right back. They always tease it. And then they come back and they go, of course, the best remedy is to not drink too much. Which, by the way, it's not a remedy. It's like when people go, you know, only sure way not to get a venereal disease. Abstinence. That's not. That's not a tip for guys with boners who want to fuck.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

Your hangover, remember remedy of not drinking in the first place is not a

[C]

cure implies I have a cure for cancer.

[A]

You know what it is?

[D]

Don't get cancer.

[A]

Don't get cancer. Done. You know what the safest form. Hey, Patton, you want to. Safest form air flight is not getting on a plane. Right, But I got to be in D.C. tomorrow. Dick weed, you're blowing my mind. Yeah, I know.

[D]

When I wake up in the morning with a pounding headache after drinking all night, what I like to do is not have to drank.

[C]

Can I do that? Professor coming home at night and to his wife who's like, maybe she's in bed, she's reading the new O magazine. What did you do? Where'd you work today, honey? What? Just some headaches and rats. Sorry, what did you do? I induced headaches and rats today. Okay? That's what I did all day, right? I gave rats headaches. Are you gonna make a Joke. Now make a joke. I. I'm a doc. Your, your doctor husband induced headaches and rats. Now I'm gonna go cry in the shower.

[A]

Are you gonna bring up the Nobel Peace Prize and medicine thing again and rub that in my face? I was drunk. I made a proclamation. Fine. It was seven years ago. It still has not been a decade, so shut up about. I'll do an impression of the same doctor who comes home, finds his wife in bed. I'm home horny. I've got a headache, sweetie. Well, good news. I'll brew a pot of coffee, you get some bear and bend over, baby, and don't give me that bullshit. It didn't work. It works. I tested it all fucking day.

[D]

Have you been screwing rats again?

[A]

I always think about the rats. Like your next patent for your next animated rat film. Yeah, do, do. I always wanted the lab rats because there's the ones where they do the thing where they go. Doctors have found out that sleep deprivation can affect brain cells. They took lab rats and kept them up for three weeks straight. Eventually they started gnawing at their own limbs. And I think about those rats versus the ones that are testing cocaine or something. And I think those coke rats got to be like, oh, you're such loser. Sleep deprivation.

[C]

We pulled coke, thank God, right?

[A]

Because some of the tests involve like having sex frequently doing blow. I mean there's a of. Lot, lot of. A lot of the testing ain't, ain't too bad, as a matter of fact,

[C]

kind of a metaphor for life. It really is going to rattle you. Well, I'm the, I'm the doing cocaine rat. Oh, right. I'm the constipated sleepless rat, right? That's what I, that's what I pulled in the lab. In God's lab. I'm the one to take sleepless.

[A]

They want to find out if I eat an entire sterno log. Well, will I be backed up?

[C]

God. God is doing a test of the effect of all of my dreams failing on a 43 year old man. I'm currently doing that experiment, experiment like that. That's what some people would do.

[A]

Why is it, by the way, and how is it that rats, you know, sort of genetically are, you know, so, so simpatico with us that we can test them yet they're considered the biggest nuisance a town or city can have. You know what I mean? Like the dirtiest disease carrying, like you think it'll be one like monkeys like you go, all right, that's a monkey, that's fine. But the rats. A fucking rat. You know,

[C]

different thing. And if you think about it, we're kind of rats. We're the worst thing that can happen to a town.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Beings.

[A]

Well, someone's got to build it and then we got to fuck it up. But okay, that's true. We need to be eliminated.

[D]

But I'm still saying which are you wonder. Are you wondering why we mind them, if we test them? Or how is it that we are inferring things?

[A]

I know why we mine them. I know why we mine them. I just. It's. It's a weird. Not many creatures have that kind of range, you know. Hummingbird is a hummingbird. No, no one has. You know, we don't use a hummingbird for this and then hummingbirds for that. So hummingbirds. A hummingbird and a polar bear. Is a polar bear.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Rats. It's like one minute. Like, look, if there were rats in the attic of your house, or you saw if you walked into your kitchen, flicked on the light and saw a big rat go scurrying by, it's time to board it up and call. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want some coke or do you have a headache? You want a cup? I'll put on a pot of coffee. I'll put it on.

[C]

Hey, how do your joints feel, little fella?

[A]

Yeah, but yet then we go into the lab and they're like the most important tool science has to offer.

[C]

Rats and fruit flies.

[A]

It's weird.

[C]

We. But we've gotten so many cures off of them. I know most of the advanced medicine.

[A]

You think when the rat was being chased with the broom through the kitchen, he'd be yelling, hey, my cousin is going to kill your goddamn Alzheimer's, so shut the up.

[C]

Well, when we. When we teach rats to talk. And that's.

[A]

Oh yeah, well, that's coming in Miranda too.

[C]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Too.

[C]

Sorry.

[D]

So, Octomom, Nadia Suleiman.

[C]

Speaking of rats, done some.

[D]

Some fetish porn? Eating money. According to tmz, Octomom did a fetish video. S M Style. She wore black tights and a corset and whipped a grown man wearing a diaper. I just threw up in my mouth.

[A]

I like the guys.

[D]

Several deals by Vivid.

[C]

Can I just say, all 14 of those kids should be put in jail now. Just.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Just jail them now. Yeah, before they. They rob me. Yeah, yeah, Just jail them.

[A]

Well, you know, it's like one of those fault.

[C]

But let's just jail them.

[A]

No, but you know, they do. We do. We have a version of this with women where it's like you tested genetically for this gene and you're going to get a radical mastectomy. So you don't get this. Because we know what's coming.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

So we know what's coming with your kids.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

We're go ahead and put you on Devil's island now.

[C]

Yeah. And, you know, we'll put you in a nice minimum security gym jail. We won't do anything too crazy. Get nice meals. You'll learn a trade.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

But it's just put you in jail.

[D]

Look how gleeful the guys. The guy being whisked.

[A]

It's Guillermo from Jimmy's show.

[F]

That baby has tattoos.

[A]

Yeah. Doing the whole baby scenario when you have pictures of your own kids on your own arms, which I would argue most infants don't have.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Does come kind of. Kind of burst a bubble on the fantasy. The other thing that's. Well, first off, I guess you got a family to feed. He has pictures of what I'm assuming are his kids all over his body. It is ironic that the more kids of your own that you have tattooed on your body, the worse a parent you are. Because in a weird way, you'd think, well, they look like as a more committed parent. But now the more tattoos of your kids you have on your you, the worse you are. And by the way, what are the chances they're going to stay that age?

[C]

Yeah. You got. Aren't you asking the universe to kill them if you tattoo that age?

[A]

You kind are. You're freezing them.

[C]

Need to stop them right there.

[A]

Or do you update like every three years?

[C]

Yeah, I got. I got some space on my left thigh.

[A]

Also, my kids turned out when he hit puberty, he's got pretty bad skin. So if you could go draw some zits on there.

[C]

No more pictures, please.

[A]

Have a patent. Here, check out. They have like. But by the way, the whole fetish thing. They call me old fashioned, but there used to be like, yeah, the guy's into big boobs, or he's into Asians, or he's into. Now there are more. I don't know. I mean, it was like Pringles. There was just one flavor, and that was about it. But now there's cool ranch and zesty salsa and pico de gallo.

[C]

I mean, I think there were always those.

[A]

Well, we didn't. We didn't feed them.

[C]

Yeah, but they didn't have. No, people didn't have cameras on their phones back in the. Right. Right.

[A]

I. I talked dominatrix Drew and I did back in the day.

[D]

Who.

[A]

There's a whole fetish around carding. Like, pulling these. Being a horse and pulling these chicks around in a cart and, like, having a bit in your mouth and doing the whole, like, trotting about. It's the weirdest. Most, really.

[C]

You just never know. Whenever you see a little kid and he's around maybe an animal or some kind of weird food substance, and you're like, if that kid gets a boner at the wrong time.

[A]

Right.

[C]

It's a new fetish, right. Where he's like, I know. Need. I need you to trim the bushes in the back of my house and get frightened by a bee. That's how I get off and realize, oh, he was six, got his first boner. There was a guy trimming hedges and a bee frightened him. And that became sexual. Yeah, something creepy like that.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I'm gonna tell my son. When you get your first boner, alert me, like, when you feel it coming on.

[C]

So I can just show you a.

[A]

I'm gonna put you in a deprivation. Sensory deprivation tanks. You'll have nothing but your own thoughts.

[C]

Then he. Then he. That will be. I need to be locked. I'm sure that I need you to dress as my dad.

[E]

Right.

[C]

And grab me and throw me into a deprivation tank. That's the only way I can get off.

[A]

You're right. You don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. All right, so.

[C]

Oh, God.

[D]

Speaking of rat like animals, a pet ferret ate seven fingers of a baby boy in Grain Valley, Missouri.

[A]

It was only seven, Right?

[D]

He's got three more. So what's the big seven? Seven.

[C]

And then how many controls? How many buttons on an Xbox controller? He's fine.

[A]

Yeah, he'll get back.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Well, they can actually sew some toes on and make fingers out of them. But here's toes his.

[C]

But then he wouldn't be able to walk.

[A]

Well, what about. It's a lesser of two evils, but

[D]

I think it's the kind of Sophie's choice of pick your poison patent. Yeah.

[A]

Plus, nobody knows. Unless you wear flip flops to. To a podcast, nobody knows you don't have toes if you keep your shoes on.

[C]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

Well, there's a couple things they can grow things like, you know, they can grow ear. On a.

[C]

On a mouse.

[A]

On a mouse again. That mouse got the short anesthetic. The cocaine mice are laughing their ass off at the ear guy. You know what I need, buddy? An extra nostril. You want to do a breeze. Who needs a bump? All right, one of those horse whore mice showing up so they'll so your toes on. But, but what about the cadaver thing? Like this, this poor girl, this nine year old that died in Tucson or that was there was murdered in Tucson way too big. Well, all I'm saying is this. They. She donated her organs and, and I want to get serious for a second, which is we talk about a lot of things in this society. We don't really talk enough about the donation of organs. It gets brought up. But this is important. It's wildly important. And as a parent, you should want that. Because if some tragedy befalls your 9 year old, you know that she lives on in a sense because her heart is beating inside of another 9 or 10 year old who couldn't have lived without the demise of your daughter. Why wouldn't everyone do that?

[C]

I've never understood. Especially I understand it in older Victorian societies and maybe religious communities. I don't get the attachment to the human body once you're dead. I've made it so clear in my will and on my driver's license. When I'm dead, do whatever you want with my body. If it will help anyone out, cut this thing up. I'm just. I'm just riding around in this thing. I don't care.

[A]

Picturing a new Patton Oswald on a slab. And then people going, we're cool. Yeah, we'll go ahead and bury this.

[C]

What if some guy gets his man boobs shot off in a drive by? You know what I mean?

[A]

There you go. Yeah, my aerialist. I guess I could use a little aerial enlargement or some sicko reading.

[F]

Well, it says do whatever.

[C]

Do it.

[A]

See if I can reiterate this baby.

[C]

Welcome, welcome to get ready for the greatest season of Wipeout ever filmed.

[A]

How about this? I agree. And how about we not care less what happens? I couldn't either. I mean, look, I guess if you said flip a coin being buried. Yes. And put up in a room next other trophy war wives. Ooh, trophy wives.

[B]

The point.

[A]

Oh, that'd be a good trophy. The point is this. If someone said to me, hey, you can flip a coin and be buried with your innards in you, or you can flip a coin and save someone's. Or nothing. I really go, all right, I'll keep my innards. But if it was possibly save a life, then obviously save a life. Here's what we should do. And I don't understand why we don't offer enough. We don't Offer any incentive in this department, we're retarded and we're religious. Religious and puritanical and whatever else. If you. Here's the deal. Here's what I would enact. If you have a driver's license with the donor sticker on it and you get pulled over, you get, you get a warning. And that's for the first year.

[C]

I like that.

[A]

How about that? How about a little incentive? How about a little something. How about a kickback? How about something where they at least go and I just go, look, 50 bucks off your registration when you go down the DMV and you reply, whatever.

[C]

For your license, go to businesses and go. Can you offer donors donor discounts? Yeah, for you, like a free small fries, right? You know, if you have ironically, your

[A]

liver and heart would be no good. If that's eating at Arby's too much.

[C]

Also, some, some scum wad would then make fake donor stickers and everyone will put them on.

[A]

Obviously, you go down to MacArthur park and buy as many as you needed.

[C]

Yo, yo, donor stickers.

[A]

Why don't, why don't we do that? And then somebody would go, oh, you're playing God. And blah, blah, blah.

[D]

For the same reason. Reason you can't sell blood. Probably like selling.

[A]

There'd be some. There'd be a slippery slope.

[C]

Sell blood, who cares, right? It's helping people.

[A]

I completely agree.

[C]

And I. Look, I, I don't disrespect other people's religions, but your religion is based on a. There's a very good chance it's something I believe versus I have solid proof this will help now. And so we're going to do this now and you can work it out with your pretend godly dear religious ret.

[A]

Your great grandfathers were protesting blood transfusions 80 years ago. So maybe you're wrong about the stem cell thing.

[C]

Boy, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, in 40 years, the people that are protesting stem cells, gay marriage and gays in the military are going to. In like historical documentaries about this time are going to seem so bizarre and stupid stupid that like the people were still fighting about. Yeah, it was weird. That was still going on stem cells.

[A]

I've said this a million times. It's like, really? It'd be like, it's 1964 and you're like, I think there should be negro drinking fountains. Like, nobody taps you on the shoulder and goes, don't you think that drop. Don't you? Like, 20 years from now, we're not gonna have this. And then you're gonna look stupid by taking this stance. And by the way, just like the aforementioned TV producers and executives we spoke of. Of everyone will have magically not been forced. Believe me, 40 years from out of it. What do you mean? You're kidding. I was. I was walking arm in arm with the f. I mean, the gays. And I was one of the pioneers in the. I mean, I.

[C]

Yes, those people in. In 40 years, within their own lifetimes. It would be like if you're watching a documentary about the first moon landing in 1970, and there were people protesting going to the moon because they thought there were witches up there.

[A]

Well, they like women, but the difference.

[C]

Yes, there was.

[A]

They will be. Be now, because back in the day, you could do whatever kind of revisionist history you wanted because there was no YouTube and everyone didn't have a camera in their cell phone.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Now, you will be on record as saying, you know, I don't think gays should be allowed to serve openly in the middle of all this stuff. We'll have. We'll have high def footage of it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And you as a politician will be fucked. And that will be your legacy because how much revisionist history went on from the 60s?

[C]

Oh, boy.

[A]

And that whole movement there.

[C]

There was a former Klansman that was like a senator. It wasn't Bird.

[F]

David Duke.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

A guy actually got into the. It was like, Bird, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

He was a Klansman, and he was like. Well, that was. I was young. I bet if you had a YouTube channel. Right. We'd have some pretty horrible stuff to play during your campaign.

[E]

Sure.

[A]

Yeah. Is it. The guy died just recently.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Strom Thurmond. Well, straight from.

[C]

He was also, like, crazy.

[A]

But maybe it was Bird.

[C]

He. He filibustered for 27 hours to stop integration. So. Right. You know, he. That's.

[A]

But there's still a difference between guys like you who are highly educated, knowing this and you seeing color footage of it on YouTube of everyone else.

[C]

The fact that we're still debating evolution is like the guy that intern that I described going, well, wait a minute. What if. Shouldn't it be $15,000 and we all have to stop and waste all this on this? We could be doing better things again.

[A]

My horn for the boat regatta would be nice in this case. I do.

[E]

It is.

[A]

You know, you listen to these talk radio stations and the thing that's funny. And I always. And it scream at my radios like, they go, shirley Phelps comes on there, and she argues with the conservative talk show host because she wants to go protest a 9 year old who got brutally murdered in Tucson's funeral. And then they get in an argument over the Bible and she's going like in Deuteronomy 35 it clearly says that if you lay down with dogs that you become. And then he fires back with something from the Old Testament that clearly refutes. And I was just want to yell you're both retards because this doesn't count. It doesn't matter. It doesn't exist.

[C]

Why did you have her on, you idiot. You just need to fill time.

[A]

You inter. You interpreted your cookbook one way. I'm going to then regurgitate and reinterpret the retarded cookbook another way and try to beat you in the cookbook department. Meanwhile, it doesn't exist by the way about it. Yeah.

[C]

The one thing I will say about Fred Phelps and the Westboro Backstairs and I've said this, it's been magazine the one. I'll give them credit for one thing. Unlike other religions that even though they preach damnation and hellfire at the end they'll try to either get you to join or maybe give some money or tithe. The one thing about the west they have this message of you're doomed and you're. And when they're done they go oh, and by the way, there is nothing you can do about it. We don't want your money. We don't want you to buy anything from us. You're not welcome. There is no more. There's nothing more punk rock than the Westboro Baptist Church. They're not. They're like you are not invited.

[A]

And also they really are.

[C]

They're just.

[A]

They're done using him to get to Michael Stipe as well. I think is another tip of the cap you got to give them because he told me off there. That was his connection.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Surely knows this.

[C]

I said I was going. They were going to protest outside his house every day.

[A]

All right, I think that's about it for the show. I should tell everyone to go out and read and listen to Zombie Spaceship Wasteland. It's a new book by Patton Oswald. It's doing quite nicely. Getting very nice reviews. And again you grab the book and then you grab the audio version as well because.

[C]

And get. And I have read Carolla's book in 50 years Walby Chicks. And it is really genuinely hilarious and it really captures your. It is the way it feels like you're sitting and you're just listening to you go off.

[A]

So if you want to be in your. It'd be like if you want to relax in your living room while I scream at you in my bathroom.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

That's what it would be like.

[C]

Yeah, it be. Would really does. It feels like you're, like, relaxing in the tub and Adam is visiting, like your. Your roommate, but you're just listening to him yell at him, like, you listen to me, and it's great.

[A]

Wow. Thanks, Pat.

[C]

It's a really. It's a very odd reading experience, and it's worth experiencing.

[A]

Wow. Thank you. A plug for my book.

[C]

Yeah, man.

[A]

By the way, you can find Patton Jan. 21 at the Hard Rock in Orlando. That is tomorrow.

[C]

Orlando, Florida. Well, no, it's Friday.

[A]

Yeah, but this show will air tomorrow, so then that'll be 24. Yeah. And then Saturday, the 22nd, Wilbur Theater in Boston. You can check out Patton oswalt.com you want to find out all the dates and the shows and all that stuff. And you can Twitter [e-mail] or I should say just Pat Oswald. Everyone Twitter. Thanks, Pat. Always great. And until next time. Yes, Paul, if I give a quick plug. Yeah, go ahead.

[F]

Allison was good enough to be on the film Vault, so that goes up tomorrow, Friday as well. And so check that out on our website, acefilm Vault.

[C]

I do feel like Allison Rosen's voice should always be said by Jerry Lewis. Whenever we're announcing her.

[A]

Please yell it in a Jerry Allison Rosen.

[D]

I agree.

[A]

So next time, this Adam Carolla saying, mahalo. At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light, and I was transported to another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows, and they were all free. Truth is, it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV.

[E]

Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow,

[A]

the 100, and the X Files may cause excitement, loss of sleep, and sudden belief in extra extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV Stream now.

[E]

Pay never.

[A]

Oh, Riley Auto Parts. Yeah, Love that jingle. Oh, oh, oh. So they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. We know that. They're also. You know, I don't have too many car issues. Usually I can figure them out, but if I can't, I go to O'Reilly. And they got all the stuff there. Most of the stuff for me, because the new stuff's like a computer, but my vintage cars, man, I can get a lot of parts from O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock, either in store or online, so you never have to worry if you get in a jam. Also, they'll test your battery for free and if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are happening. Helpful and friendly, O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly Auto Parts.

[E]

Right?

[A]

Dawson, stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit [e-mail] Adam and that's oreillyato.com Adam all right, that's Adam Cole Show 481 with Patton Oswald from 2011. Come up next, we have Adam Cole Show 484 featuring Seth McFarland, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop, also from 2011. Podcasting isn't just about talking. It's about growing, engaging and monetizing. And that's where Podcast one Pro comes in. Whether you're an independent creator or a major brand, Podcast one Pro gives you the tools you need to take your podcast to the next level. We're talking about premium hosting, advanced analytics, analytics, dynamic ad integration, and expert distribution, all designed to maximize your reach and revenue. Plus, with access to Podcast one's industry leading network, you'll be connected to top tier advertisers and a massive audience. It's time to go pro and turn your passion into profit. Visit podcastonepro.com to get started today. Podcast One Pro. The Power behind the podcast. Adam's guest today, animation mogul Seth MacFarlane. Plus Allison Rosen on news, Paul Bryant on sound effects, and old pal Larry Miller comes in to play the hypothetical road trip game. And now, professional driver on closed car course. Do not attempt Adam Corolla. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on Mandate. Get it on. Good day, bald Brian. Good day, Larry Miller.

[E]

Good day.

[A]

Good day, Allison Rosen.

[D]

Good day, Adam Carolla. My feng shui is being all thrown off by Larry being in here.

[A]

Yeah, Larry's wedged his fat white ass between our love, between our mojo, our

[D]

and oh, don't even try because I have a couple bones to pick with you.

[A]

I'd like to hear it in one second. First, little tip of the cap. Our AOL late night block is now up and running. Pearls and nuggets from the show. Little best of bits we put together. You can check it out on aol. Kevin Pollock's on there Kevin Smith is on there as [e-mail] they're doing their own thing. We're doing our thing with the late night world for aol. Also have problems at work because of distractions. Maybe that's part of Allison's beef. We'll get to her with that in a second. How about you try Go to my PC brought to you by Citrix. Securely access everything on your office computer and programs wherever, whenever, wherever you are. Cafes, libraries, parks, brothels, it doesn't matter. Try go to my PC free. Little special 40 day free trial only if you use the promo code Adam Again. Why bother sitting in traffic sucking on the carbon monoxide and listen to the Ranchero music blaring from the gardener's truck next to the shark cage behind it with all the leaf blowers trying to escape? It's like a prison bus for lawn equipment. You ever see. Anyway, visit go to my PC.com, click on the tried free button and remember the promo code Adam. Only if you use the promo code code Adam do you get the 45 days free. Yes, Allison, you have a beef.

[D]

Two.

[A]

Two beefs.

[D]

Two beefs. All right, so first of all, I saw you Friday night at the very lovely Ace Broadcasting party. It was really fun.

[A]

We had a little delayed Christmas party here.

[D]

Yes. Now, at this party, you said, nay decreed, Alison would never date a car guy. Now, I don't know even what that means. However, I just feel that it might. My advanced age. Is it wise for us to rule out a whole subset of guys?

[A]

I.

[E]

Have you seen the guys?

[A]

I saw you. You don't want to. I saw you introduced me to a fella that you brought with you, as, I'm assuming, a date.

[D]

He's just my friend.

[A]

Oh, just a friend.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, he seemed attractive in the right age, age range and semi, at least bi. And I asked him, you have any interest in cars?

[F]

And he.

[A]

I said, no, not really.

[D]

Which, in a way, he was apologetic, though he felt bad about it.

[A]

It's kind of strange, though. People do it a lot, and people that are, you know, creative types have no interest in the mechanical world for the most part. But it's a weird thing, because if I was standing in someone's basement and there was nothing but pictures of baseballs that had been signed by Steve Garvey. Oh, and that's Palmer's jockstrap. And over there is. That's Steve Yeager's bat that he had his 19th home run in in 1977. And they said, you like baseball. I wouldn't go, no, I'd probably go, oh, yeah. Played some little League. Like, I. I'd toss them out. I wouldn't say, you know, I. I didn't play professionally, but I'd probably just do a little. Yeah, Like, I like baseball.

[D]

He offered up that he drives a Sentra.

[A]

I got a lot of people standing in a. In, essentially, and what would be a car museum with parts. Car parts all over it. And I go, you like cars? No, not really.

[E]

It's like the buffet line was in a work bay.

[A]

Yes.

[E]

You know, you want. Exactly the point that you want to say. Can you pretend? Wouldn't it be nice if two ambassadors were meeting each other?

[A]

I'm not gonna quiz you. You just go, yeah, that's pretty good.

[E]

You know, it's a fascinating world. I don't know that much about it right there. Nice. It would be to have a 68 Chevelle.

[A]

I would. I would pay you the same respect if I was in your basement. That was a homage to philanthropy in the blank. All right. So anyway.

[D]

So that's why you think that I don't like car guys.

[A]

No, no. I. I see you as an artistic type who would probably not want to dirty her cuticles with a car guy.

[D]

Do you think I'm pretty?

[A]

You're too.

[C]

Maybe I enjoy wrenching.

[D]

Maybe I use wrenching as a verb and enjoy it.

[A]

Too smart for that guy.

[D]

I'm just saying.

[E]

Second.

[D]

I want to.

[A]

I want.

[D]

I want to keep it all open.

[B]

Sure.

[D]

Second beef is that I love Dr. Drew. Like, that man does not fart without me dvring it.

[A]

But I was at his home yesterday all day.

[D]

There's the beef right there. I just wish I had gone.

[A]

Yeah. I would like to be cake. I should say. Oh, him in his pajamas. Dreamy.

[E]

He was. I was just with him. We went to the same school. I keep forgetting to bring this up, and I finally got his email because the woman who organized a whole reunion for everyone at that school. It's unbelievable. But he and I went to the same. Same place. Amherst College.

[A]

Oh, you both went to Amherst. You're Lord Jeff.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's why you shouldn't answer so fast. Yeah, absolutely.

[E]

That's the name of the teams, by the way, to show you how. Where this place is the name of the team. Is it. Is it the Lions? No, the Bears. It's the Lord Jeffs, but they actually do very well.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

And so isn't that weird?

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

And here, you know, I went sitting with you, and he obviously knew such close Friends.

[A]

Yeah. And you and he may be sort of contemporaries. I mean, we all are, relatively. But I mean, you guys could be almost the same. The same age. He's, I think five years or something. But he's 52. If he's not 52, he's gonna turn 52.

[F]

The Lord just fights along. That's pumped up too.

[A]

Yeah. You haven't. You have, actually.

[D]

So I'm gonna paint my face.

[A]

Yeah. By the way, like, I can see the band getting. You know, it's like, hold on, I need a new read for my oboe. All right, here we go. Let's blow the lid off this place. It's the only fight song played on a oboe.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's nice, but I keep getting old. You are Larry.

[E]

57.

[A]

Oh, 57. So you're a little bit pastor, but you could have been there your senior year. I'm guessing it took you more than four years. And true. It took. Took him 18 months to get through the four year curriculum over there. So I'm saying you guys could have physically been on that campus at the same time.

[E]

Yeah. And that's why it's so. And it's a small school and it's in a rural place. And it's just weird. Weird that I keep forgetting. It's about three years we've known each other. Keep forgetting. Say, gee, I gotta say hi to Dr. Drew.

[A]

Lord Jeff was famous for infecting Indians with smallpox ridden blankets or.

[E]

The idea came up. Right. Let's just say that it's just this. It was the night before the battle. They were frightened at him.

[A]

You know, Lord Jeff.

[E]

It's through the name. And. Yeah. Lord Jeffrey Amherst. And. And he was on a horse. Which is the kind of paintings I

[A]

miss, frankly, by the way, guys on horses.

[E]

Because. Yeah, because that's at least to me. Art has to be. If it looks like the guy. If you can paint it and it looks like the guy. Because I can't do that. I can't. Art Too Much is like the plaza of a federal building now. And it's a piece of swooping metal

[A]

that goes to the left. Yeah, Yeah, I could do that. If you have basically a scrapped tugboat worth of steel and. And access to an acetylene cutting torch, you too can be an artist. Installation art. I know. I like the artist. I like the art where like Napoleon's rearing back and the horse and the cape is up in the air. But then think about how difficult that would be to draw because you'd be like, hold it. Hold oh, the horse came down. Come on, one more time. Pull it back. Here we go.

[E]

Give me a guy with a general has his hand on the cannon, right? And the flag is draped and he's looking off the that way.

[A]

All right, that's right.

[E]

And it looks like the guy. So you can say, the family could say, gee, that's Uncle Bill. It looks just like Uncle Bill.

[A]

It's, it's, it's all about to me, all. Any form of art, comedy, music, fine art, whatever it is. It's all about any form of thing, anything in life, architecture, anything. It's all about me standing in front of it for three Mississippi and saying, I couldn't do that. Then, then it's art. If, if it is, if I look at it and go, I think I could do that, then it's not art. I don't know if that's low self esteem or I'm just being pragmatic, but when I see the modern stuff, I go, I could do that. And then when I see the stuff from the masters in the, in the past, I go, no, could not.

[D]

You're saying you could put a urinal on a wall?

[A]

I'm saying I could, yeah. Oh, actually, I have also Seth MacFarlane coming in here. Very nice, very nice guy. Called him up and, and asked if Seth could come in. We didn't have a guest tonight. We had Larry for hypothetical questions. As a matter of fact, God love Dr. Drew and Seth MacFarlane and all the other nice guys in show business, because Dr. Drew, I found out we didn't have a guest yesterday. And I just called him at his house at 11am and I said, what's up? And he said, I'm pretty sick. And I said, oh, you want to do a podcast? And he said, I thought I was supposed to do it on Friday. And I said, yeah, but we're going to go and jump, jump ahead five or six days. And he said, well, I'm just getting over something. And I said, yeah, we'll come to you. And he said, if you want to come over, come over. And I came over to his house and we sat down on his bed and we did the podcast. And Seth MacFarlane called him this morning and said, well, we don't have a guest this evening. And he said, all right, I'll come by. So it's nice, it's nice to deal with nice guys and nice when they, nice when they pick up the phone. Although Seth did a weird thing to me, which is he called me from his cell phone phone and Then did the thing where he went, let me call you from my home phone. As if I'd called him on his cell phone, and he got no reception. I thought, hey, genius, next time, just pick up the one that's plugged into the wall, and we could avoid this.

[E]

I don't even know. I don't even know the guy, but I like him already because I'm always doing that. I'm always saying, look, I hate holding this thing to my head.

[A]

Right.

[E]

Let me call you back on the other thing that I hold to my head.

[A]

No, it was weird because Drew wanted me to talk to someone who was riding a bull. Book. And him and this other gal are writing a book. And he said, could you just. She wants to interview you for, like, 10 minutes. Could you just talk to her? And I said, yeah, sure. And he. He dialed her up on the kitchen phone, and he handed it to me. It was one of the ones that were on the wall, mounted on the wall. And even though it had that sort of scrunchy cord that was good for 18ft, he handed me the phone. And I felt like a coyote, you know, trapped in the stairs. Like, what? No, I can't stand in the kitchen. Although I would have just stood eight feet from where I was in the den anyway, but I had to roam around, like, literally.

[D]

What is this amazing reception?

[A]

Yes, it's attached to the. So I said, you know, Drew, give me the portable phone so I can walk in a circle. And I actually did manage to take a whiz during. During the course of the conversation, Allison. I decided to bring Larry in early and just have him hang in with the news. You got some news queued up every. Live from the International News center next to Donnie's mini bikes, this is the news with Allison Rose. Let's make the news. Brought to you by Jeremiah Weed, by the way. Yeah. Because we were going to make the hypothetical question that. But now let's throw that in yourself,

[F]

because that's not pre produced. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah, there you go. There you go.

[D]

Also, it's been suggested to me that I have a little tagline outro. Like, this has been the news with Allison Rosen, but I need suggestions. So if people have suggestions, tweet them to me at Alison Rosen, and if they're great, I'll use them.

[A]

Okay, so far, the front runner. Zip it, cunt. But that's. That's. But it's only been. It's only been two days, so. From the International News Center. Yeah, yeah, but that's just. But again, the week is young.

[D]

I like that.

[A]

The week is young.

[D]

Okay, so Oprah. Oprah revealed her big family secret on Monday. Show, show. She has a half sister named Patricia who was given up for adoption. Hold on.

[A]

A black person in their 50s with a half sibling. Room spinning. I gotta sit down. Hey, Oprah, tell us when you don't have a black half something.

[D]

Patricia was given up for adoption in 1963 when Oprah was 9 years old and living with her father.

[A]

Gotta get Jesse Jackson on this immediately.

[D]

Apparently, she didn't even know her mother was pregnant. Oprah met Patricia for the first time on Thanksgiving. Patricia said she started thinking she might be Oprah's sister when she saw an interview with Vernita Lee. That's Oprah's mom on tv. And the information matched up with what Patricia knew about her birth family.

[A]

You replace Oprah Winfrey with Gilbert Godfrey. And I got the same inkling. The same ink.

[D]

Well, here's how Patricia did it. And you can use this as a. As a thumbnail sketch for how you should. Patricia tried to track down her mother, but was told by the adoption agency that her mom didn't want to get in touch. So she tracked down one of Oprah's nieces, and DNA tests confirmed the two were related. Now, Patricia has known that they are half sisters since 2007. And we have a clip.

[A]

I'm looking at Patricia's thighs. She's not half anything. She's seven. All right, here we go. Patricia. I love money and hate men too.

[C]

Oprah, what is so remarkable to me about this story, and it's gonna make

[A]

me cry, so just be patient.

[C]

Since I have been a person known in the public, there have been few times that I've been in anywhere and not been sold out. There have been few times where you can bring anybody new into your life and not have that person in some way betray you or use you or take advantage of you. What is so extraordinary, that's what happened to me and Lynch, Tricia and Andre and Aquarius is that they have known secret since 2007.

[A]

I don't know what month Aquarius is,

[D]

but got thrown off.

[E]

There is a clip that from a movie, Soap Dish, which is a great movie.

[D]

I love that movie.

[E]

It's a great, great movie. And Kathy Morty, at one point it. It looked just like the. She says, I had to and wait is going to make me cry as a. As a personality and a celebrity. Do you remember that part where I had to come forth? It's a hysterical moment in a great movie. But I was shocked. I don't know if you can throw that up that fast. There's a clip in that from Kathy Moriarty that was almost word for word the same. Yeah, it's. It's a great movie.

[A]

This is 27 rehabs of Robert Downey Jr. Pre. Pre. But yeah, fun movie. Whoopi Goldberg's in it. Plenty of folks in it. You know the thing that's. It's such a blowhardy move whether you go, I'm a celebrity, so I can't. I don't know when someone comes up to me and asks me what time it is, what they really mean. I don't know that when I check into a hotel and the person wants my credit card, if they're trying to use me, you know, I don't know that when I hail a cab, if he's stopping because it's ma. It's like, shut the fuck up and get on with your life. Yeah, look, if you don't have friends, then you have a bad divining rod. I've met, had plenty of friends before I was a C lister and made plenty of friends at the height of mtv and the man show never made a difference. If someone was a decent person, they were a decent person. It was never, never like you didn't trust them or didn't. I understand you don't let them into your home and give them the keys or the combination to the safe, but what's Oprah talking about?

[D]

But what if you had some person who claimed to be relative of yours? Would you think they were just after your fat bucks?

[E]

Not once I had them checked out. Not. Not once you hire the private detectives.

[A]

Yeah, the DNA swap.

[F]

What do you think the scene was like in the half sister's home when she got that test back?

[A]

Oh my God, Oprah. Yeah.

[F]

Lottery ticket in your hand.

[A]

I think she probably started the giant journal. And then what do you do? Like, how many months do you wait before you ask for some money? And how does it work? I mean, and by, by the way, you know, what's Oprah do? Is a sort of preemptive strike, which is send over this speech.

[D]

And it's so great because she just likes me for me.

[A]

Would you guys have any. You know, this is coming from a horrible example because I'm a Corolla, but I wouldn't feel any attachment to a half sibling who I never knew. I'd shake their hand, I'd hug it out if they were decent enough. We could hang if they weren't. We couldn't. But I wouldn't feel an obligation toward that.

[D]

You don't feel much connection to your full.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[F]

What if they had a great childhood? Would you feel resentment?

[A]

Yes, I would. And then it'd be more reason not to hang out with them. All right, do we have. Can we find the soap clip now?

[F]

That's all order.

[A]

That's taller.

[D]

All right, so. Fitness guru Jack LaLanne died Sunday afternoon at his home in Mora bay. He was 96 and 20. Die. This from a man who is famous for saying, I can't die. It would ruin my image. But alas, yeah, I'm caught up with him. He was 96 and died of respiratory failure resulting from pneumonia. Lalanne is known for preaching regular exercise and proper diet. Expanding on the popularity of the Jack LaLanne show, he opened dozens of fitness studios, which he later licensed to bally. He invented forerunners to modern exercise machines and marketed power juicers and sold exercise videos and fitness books. He encouraged women, the elderly and the disabled to join his health clubs and to exercise despite their limitations. Some lalanne fun facts. He ate two meals a day and shunned snacks. He mixed red and white wine. He never drank coffee and he often worked out until he experienced muscle fatigue.

[A]

I went to his home to do a man show bit up north where he was, where I guess he died. He was, I don't know, it seemed like he was about a hundred miles north, north of Ventura or something. It was a good, good couple. Two and a half, three hour drive from la. We went out and did a man show bit where I just hung with Jack lalanne. And when you do these bits, you're doing a bit, but on the other hand, you're in the guy's house for 10 hours. Like it's, it's, it's like you're doing a bit, but on the other hand, you're not filming all the time. It's just a lot of you and the guy and the guy's wife and you standing around and you standing in front of his closet, by the way, where he had a thousand of those jumpsuits all lined up. He was, he's also. You did not list inventor of the unitard, by the way, but he's definitely, if not the inventor, the father of the unitard. And he had that thing and he was a super sincere guy, practiced what he preached, was stronger and shit even back then. And that was 10, 12 years ago. He was well into his 80s at that point. He did have all the apparatus and everything. And also had the house that got remodeled in 1974 and then literally sealed so that even air and sunlight could not touch it. Like that time capsule house. The carpet from 1974, the drapes from the kitchen had been redone. The burnt, you know, the avocado appliances and the burnt orange countertop. The. Like, just that. That old guy house that got locked off. And by the way, the. The government should. Should mandate that any old timers that got their place done in the mid-70s and it's now, once you pass 2000, they must come in there with a crew and bring that. Get some marble in that dump. But either way, there was Jack. And he would make his muscles, and he was one of these guys who would kind of grab your arm. And he was exactly who he was. Like, he had the same sort of corny sense of humor, but the same enthusiasm about, you know, ju. Working out and moving and all that kind of stuff. His wife, who was named Elaine. Elaine the Lane Elaine, Brilliant lalanne was right there by his side and wearing the same jumpsuit he was wearing. He's a. He was a diminutive guy. He was like 5, 6, 5 7. But yeah, there's. Boy, yeah, there he was. And you can see the carpeting in the house. And he was. Was just. He was just pumped up. And most every one of my homoerotic jokes went right over his head. But I don't know if the guy was bullshitting or not, but he seemed to enjoy every second of his life. Like he was one of these guys that couldn't. He was vibrant, you know, like, you wouldn't go. How you doing, Jack? Ah, come see. Come. I don't know. I had the TiVo set for the goddamn AFC championship game, and it went ahead. And then fucking Lalanne said it for real. Anyway, don't get me started. Like, it wasn't that guy. It's like, I'm doing great. How are you doing? You grab your arm? How's that muscle doing? Come on. It's like, I don't know if guys like that are secretly depressed, so they overcompensate, but that was a. You know, 96 years of overcompensating.

[D]

Well, he claimed to be a physical and emotional wreck up until he was about 15 when he heard a motivating talk.

[A]

By the way, when you make it to 96. Well, up until 15, really. 1. 1 22nd of your life.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, puberty was incredibly tough. Pregnant river.

[E]

It's like.

[A]

It's like when guys are Disney stars going, you know, I struggled for a while in my, you know, pre, early teens, you know, from 11 to 13 and a half. Those were the lean years. And then. Okay, you're 14.

[B]

Shut up.

[E]

Did you say he struggled till he was 15? Because I think the struggle starts for everyone at 15.

[D]

Also that thing where sailing for him.

[A]

15, that thing where people go, like, I was spindly. I had a big Adam's apple. My voice. Yeah. Because like when we were 14, we all looked like Dwayne Johnson. That was us. Yeah. I had huge guns. Yeah. When I was 14, I had huge pythons and a six pack, braces. Everybody was every male. There's no worse period for a male. As a male from, you know, 0 to 12, you're sort of cute. From 12 to 16 and a half, your fucking train wreck. And then hopefully you become an adult male at some point and push out of that. But every kid's a mess at 14 or 15. Just about every male.

[E]

By the way, was he the start of that thing, the 97 pound weakling? Because if you think about that, remember that the classic. That's right. Well, that's right. But he's kicked. The bully is kicking sand in his face because he's sitting with a girl. The girl goes with the guy, right. Who kick the sand in the face. Then he comes back, but he's all pumped up and he punches and the

[A]

girl goes back with him.

[E]

It goes back with him.

[F]

Right.

[E]

The whole story is horrifying. And not only I just comes up and kicks sand in your face.

[A]

Well, and then what about you have to date him. Yes. What about all those landlocked states that don't have any beachfront? A man would have to first bring a large amount of sand to wherever you and your girly were. You know, at a park, at a festival, the fair, in a classroom. Imagine having to schlep in all that sand.

[E]

Or they kicked flagstones.

[D]

If you're, if you're smart and you're the weak guy, you just get you and your date and move away from the guy carrying the sand.

[A]

Right. You can run a guy carrying a metric ton of sand around.

[E]

By the way, there's a thought to that, because once you see the dump truck coming down the block filled with sand, you got to say to the girlfriend, look, where do we stand right now?

[A]

I need to know where we're at.

[F]

I've seen the back of the magazines. I know where this is going.

[A]

Also, maybe the guy got his strength from dragging the huge sacks of sand everywhere he went. That could be the reason he has such upper body strength. All right, I'm sorry. Where were we? He'll be missed.

[E]

By the way. He wasn't picking sand. He was looking for coins. He had one of those metal things.

[A]

On his 97th birthday, he'll be handcuffed and dragging a casket to Alcatraz.

[D]

That's right. He did that.

[A]

Yeah. He used to celebrate everywhere, whereas I'm the opposite. Good Lord, look at that.

[E]

There it is.

[A]

I celebrate my birthdays by getting drunk and being sedentary. Like, I'm not going to burn a cow. I'm going to eat pie and wash it down with Jeremiah weed. That's what I do. I don't swim anywhere.

[D]

Yeah. At 60, he swam from Alcatraz to Fisherman's Wharf, handcuffed and towing a thousand pound boat. At 70, handcuffed and shacked again. He towed 70 boats carrying a total of 70 people a mile and a half through Long Beach Harbor.

[A]

There you go.

[D]

But he still died.

[E]

And that day again, we were drunk.

[A]

We were drunk and eating pie with our hands. Sorry. Go ahead.

[D]

Good. Nominations for the Razzie Awards, which celebrate the worst in film, were announced Sunday night. Jennifer Aniston was nominated for worst actress for the Bounty Hunter, while her co star Gerard Butler got the worst actor nod.

[A]

Overall, the Bounty Hunter, same movie?

[D]

Yep. Well, overall, the Bounty Hunter received 4 knots nominations, which was nothing compared to such steaming piles as the Last Airbender, which got nine nominations, and Twilight Eclipse, which also got nine nominations, including nominations for the leads Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart.

[A]

Can I ask you this? I was curious with something like when the Last Airbender has a robust 8 on rotten tomatoes and the commercial still says from M. Night Shyamalan, which was awesome if it was 1999 or maybe 2001. But in the last several years, when I see from the mind of. I would start exiting the theater if I saw from the mind of at a certain point. Do you know what I mean? Like I would argue now am. The last seven efforts have been square, so we'll just go ahead and leave your name off and actually make up another name. At what point when did you. Don't use the N word here. The point is this. At what point does your name start doing more harm than good?

[F]

I'll tell you exactly when it was. This is not apocryphal. This is true. I was in the theater after the Last Airbender came out and there was a trailer for Devil. That movie where they're in the elevator and everything. Trailers come coming on and it's. It starts to roll and roll. About a minute in, it says, from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan and laughter in the theater out loud.

[A]

Laughter in the theater for a trailer. Right.

[F]

All right, that turn the corner right there.

[A]

So the comedy version of that would be probably Mel Brooks. Like if I saw from the very decrepit mind and unfunny Mel Brooks. Wow. Well, there was yogurt. Yogurt. I hate yogurt. There was. It even was struggling strawberries. There was a time in the late 60s and mid-70s when the man made things that were funny but

[E]

awesome.

[C]

And rape. You said rape twice.

[A]

I like rape. All right, well, that is funny, but that's. That was 30 years, by the way,

[E]

with M. Night Shyamally and whatever his name is. That's when you want to see the domestic scene with him and the wife. Never mind what the public starts to think.

[A]

Right.

[E]

When wife starts going, say, what's the mind of M. Night doing now? Maybe the mind of M. Night wants to clean that garage out. Hey, M. What's your mind saying now? You want to take me out somewhere

[A]

maybe at night about dial M for mop out the garage. Yeah. From the mind of. So now it's the point where. Yeah. So the movies he actually is involved with are bad enough. But just when this just an idea,

[F]

she starts getting him like joke stationary from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan.

[E]

And he's about had it. That's why he can't think of any good movies now because he is so unhappy at all.

[A]

Does make you wonder. I mean, there was that one with Mark Wahlberg where, you know, the happened the Ivy would strangle people. I never even watched that thing. But the point is, is was it bad?

[F]

The worst movie ever seen.

[A]

Okay, so there you go.

[F]

One worst movie ever seen.

[A]

Really?

[F]

Yes.

[A]

I'm saying at what point do your agents or does somebody come up to you and go, let's fly under the radar a little bit with this one?

[D]

Never. Have you noticed that they never ever do that? No, I just don't think they ever. It's not in their exact.

[A]

Their DNA.

[E]

Yeah, that was. No kidding. The same word I had in my head. The answer when the word is agent is never because that's the businesses. It's about getting a deal.

[D]

Right.

[E]

They're not the ones who are going to say to you, maybe if you stop now.

[D]

Right.

[E]

It would get a lot better.

[A]

But Brian, as a film critic And a bit of a nerd.

[F]

Thank you.

[A]

Honestly, you see a movie with an interesting title, an interesting poster, and something that sounds fairly intriguing with a couple of actors in it that you may enjoy or heard of, and then you see from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan, it will dissuade you to some degree.

[F]

You just 100% described my experience in seeing the trailer for Devil, which is like, that's kind of interesting. They're trapped in an elevator together.

[C]

All right.

[F]

It's like from the mind of him, I'll forget it.

[A]

I'm not getting burned. So it's fascinating. Now he's essentially OJ at this point. At this point. Okay.

[D]

Cinematic OJ And Jessica Alba.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Individually led the pack, getting four nominations for worst supporting Actress.

[A]

Oh, really? What did, what movies? She seems the Killer inside, like an empty vessel.

[D]

Little Fockers, Machete and Valentine's Day. But aren't actors empty? Knife. I mean, not really.

[A]

Yeah, well, the good looking ones are.

[C]

All right.

[A]

There's nothing there. Okay. I like the movie where she had the eye transplant, but it was the eyes of a killer or something. She really. No one starts laughing halfway into that pitch, huh?

[E]

By the way, to show you how dumb you can get in life. As you were listing those movies, I thought you had Valentine's Day. That sounds familiar. Wait, Valentine's Day. Oh, that's right. I'm in it. Larry said it like eight seconds to say and you get a nomination for me.

[A]

No, Razzie, that's important to me. How many times was Nick Cage's hair nominated this year? Just the hair.

[D]

I, I, I don't think he got any nominations.

[A]

Nick's latest, he's, he's gonna have a hell of a 2011.

[D]

What did he do for grownups? Worst supporting actor for grown up nomination.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Nick K. Is already up to two bad movie. It's still January, still.

[A]

The year is still young. And he's got a new one of

[F]

the Witch and the Drive Hard or whatever. That one Drive Faster.

[A]

His movie movies now look like parodies of bad Nick Cage movies. When you're in a good movie. Like if you're in and actually if you're in a funny movie and you're doing one of these, you're doing one of these things. Tropic Thunder. And you're in Tom Cruise's office and he's playing Harvey Weinstein or whoever, and there's a bad Nick Cage trailer playing in the background. Background. That's what his trailers now look like. They're Parodies of Nick Cage movies.

[D]

Is it scalp of Nick Cage?

[A]

Could somebody. Now I. I know from just on top of the mind, from the thin skin that covers the mind of Nick.

[D]

That's what I would say. Where the hair is, though.

[A]

Where the hair is.

[D]

The follicles of Nicholas Cage.

[E]

M. Nick Cage

[A]

comes. You know what this is? Is. I think this is it. I think this is what happens. These guys get into trouble with the irs and then they're no more reading any scripts. There's no more independent Leaving Las Vegas and Peggy sue got married and Raising Arizona. No, no, no, no. I need a payday. I need a payday. So this is what happens. I think Nick got in a little squeak with the irs. And here's, here's what happens. And that's why we should get hold of all these people who go through the bad divorce and have a little thing with Uncle Sam and say, look, let's all just pass the hat because it's going to be pay me now or pay me later. Either everyone in America can cop, can just put together. Does everyone cough up 10 bucks? Or we can look forward to two decades of horrible art coming from Nick Cage. Now, what's it going to be, Brian? If you had the choice eight years ago just to fork over 10, 10 bucks.

[F]

So no more trailer for Season of the Witch. Wow.

[A]

Any of the Nick Cage.

[D]

I was gonna say this is a really hard sell, but when you put it that way, when you put that we are avoiding crappy movies for a couple decades, it really begins to seem, it pays off.

[A]

The guy's on his second divorce. The IRS says he owes him, you know, $15 million. And look, if we all just get good movies.

[D]

Or is it hush money?

[A]

It's essentially, you're not going to get that. You're not going to get. First off, you're not going to get three Nick Cage movies a year. Year. You'll get one and a half.

[D]

That's triple the benefit.

[A]

You're not going to get horrible. You're not going to. He's not going to keep crapping them out. In other words, he doesn't need the money.

[D]

Right.

[A]

Or he won't need the money once I pass the hat nationally, at least

[E]

in 1950, they could make you a greeter at a Las Vegas casino.

[C]

Right?

[E]

If you got into tax trouble. Hey, look, everyone, it's Joe Lewis.

[A]

Hey, champ.

[E]

That's right. Hey, champ.

[A]

How many pictures did Joe Louis take in front of the Caesars making the fist with the short Jewish guy, Portly Jewish Guy making the fist standing next to him. How many millions of times a day that wasn't a made a fist more than Malcolm X.

[E]

It wasn't even a pose, it was a swing.

[A]

Is tired of a guy telling him to make the fist. All right, sorry. Where were we? IRS Prime. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[D]

All righty. Shay.

[A]

Oh, no, no. Nic Cage is not filming Ghost Rider, the sequel. This is impossible.

[F]

That's absolutely true, by the way.

[A]

Wow.

[F]

The worst part is he'll tantalize you. Making a good film like every five. Like he'll come out like a kick ass or a bad lieutenant, like it's a good film. Then goes right back into Ghost Rider 2.

[D]

He tantalizes us.

[A]

I've tried to. I've said this once, I'll say it again. Worst batting average, Nick Cage. Last 10 movies or the last 10 folks that left Dr. Drew's rehab facility. Both about one and a half or 10. Like who's Dr. Said that?

[D]

Everyone who has left. Well, maybe they haven't stayed a little bit better. They have had a meaningful experience.

[A]

You want to know what he smells like up close?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, what a dad.

[D]

Once when I met you, which you don't remember, many years ago at the VMAs, but I didn't smell him. Go ahead.

[A]

He first off got the kid. Kid. I walk into the living room, there's a pool table. Here's how you know you've arrived when there's a full size pool table in your living room, but you've gotten so bored of it that you've actually put plywood over it to put something even more fun on top of it.

[D]

Like a ping pong table full of train set.

[A]

There's a full size slot car set. Like the large scale slot car set. I wanted to kick my dad in the nuts with a running start. This time he's like. I said, what the. Where'd you get these? And we couldn't think of what to get Jordan, his son for birthday this this year. So we got him this.

[D]

I got Son of A levels of fun.

[A]

Then I walk into the kitchen. They're not only one, but two seas candies boxes spread out like one on the island and one on the counter like so you'd never have to walk more than three paces to get to a box of seas candy.

[D]

What kind of.

[A]

That's the point. It's all kinds. Yeah, it's. It's sorted variety, chub packs, double double decker. By the way, with the thin layer of bubble where you think you see

[D]

it all and then you're like, oh

[A]

my God, oh my God, more chocolate underneath.

[E]

It's like holding a mirror to a mirror.

[A]

Yes. Yeah.

[E]

By the way, seas is my favorite candy, for whatever it's worth. I don't like the Swedish ones. Just seize right up the middle. Bullseye.

[D]

It's like, tell us more about his house.

[A]

Wait a minute. Larry's going on about Ses candy? Oh, sorry, I don't like the Whitman candy. There's nothing fine about the Whitman sampler.

[D]

Some people like Godiva. Not this guy.

[E]

That's right. I don't like that Toblerone at three in the morning in the hotel room. It cuts the upper part of your mouth there.

[A]

Cuz it's got those ridges.

[D]

It's hard to swallow it. All of a sudden you're just like. I like feel. Feel like I just ate chocolate cement.

[A]

Well, you.

[E]

Because after you go through everything in the mini bar, or so I'm told, then you think to yourself, maybe I'll have a Toblerone.

[D]

There's a man made of money.

[A]

Yeah. Either way, Dr. Drew. Yes. Kids hanging around the house, watching the game, playing video games. His kids are so well mannered. He's. He has like three little Aryan blonde kids. I mean they're 18 now, but they're just like Hitler youth. And you know, I mean that in the best possible sense. You know, they're awesome. His wife is nuts, but she's awesome too. The house is awesome. Drew's awesome. But Drew, Drew did something made me sick, which is because he was sick. He said he'd really lost the weight, but he'd lost the weight from his gut and his, you know, his, his hips and every other, his legs, like every other part of his body. But his guns were still huge.

[D]

So he was just more cut.

[A]

And he. Yeah, and he did this where he was sort of wearing like pajama bottoms and a semi tight T shirt and he did this move where he went, look at me, I'm withering away. But as he was doing it as exposing his huge guns, I'm like, all right, your, your guns just look that much bigger now that you have no waist anymore. So yeah, he was, he was doing that. And yeah, and when Drew goes to the hospital, it's a big deal because he's pretty, pretty tough that way. No, normally doesn't do it. But his wife, wife took care of business for him.

[D]

But if his house is endless fun, then what's with the room that. In the picture that you posted, that is very 80s and there's that green phone.

[A]

Have to, have to look at that to be, to be honest. That was his, that was his daughter's room, which I felt a little bit creepy about diving on the bed on. Although I've been there before by the way.

[E]

Is that his house or is that an ocean in the background? Is that like a lap?

[A]

It's a lake.

[C]

Saltwater lake.

[A]

Saltwater lake in the background. That's his lagoon stocked with full size. He likes to go deep, deep sea fishing at home.

[D]

He was recovering in his daughter's room or just the interview was in his daughter's room.

[A]

We did the interview. I don't want to burst anyone's bubble, but we did the interview from his sort of den next to the thing. But we thought it'd be funny if we just dove onto the bed and took a picture from the bed. That was the plan. So bubble facially burst. All right. Do you have one more story? Take a break.

[D]

Marriott is going to be phasing out porn from its hotel rooms in the next few years.

[A]

Talk about that. Yeah, I've organized a boycott already, but we can talk about that for a second.

[D]

Well, here's some background for when you, you know, organize people for your boycott. The decision coincides with a shift to a different kind of in room entertainment technology. They're switching to Internet based video on demand, along with questions of whether adult content is appropriate and if safeguard guards exist to prevent children from seeing it. Also, and perhaps more importantly, hotels have seen revenue from pay per view entertainment shrink as business travelers have been increasingly checking into hotels with their own entertainment, whether it's Netflix DVDs, iPod Touch, laptop or Sling box or like you add an iPad and reading glasses. According to Collier's PKF Hospitality research, hotels now collect about 39% fewer dollars from all pay per view movie rentals than they did a decade ago.

[A]

Well, you think about it, it was, I was just talking about this with somebody on Friday. The pay per view at the hotel is sort of what the bar is to a restaurant, sort of free money. You know, they say that all the time with, you know, look, when you're gonna take duck or goose or pheasant or ham or whatever you're make one of these dishes and charge $18 for it. There's a lot of calories, burnt materials and all the, that kind of stuff. A Jack and Coke sets you back about $0.59 and you get to charge $9 for a time. So ever you, if you owned a restaurant, you'd hope everyone just Comes in, orders an appetizer, and just keeps ordering champagne and. And, well, drinks. Right, Right. And so. So a hotel, if you think about it, these are big buildings with, you know, cleaning staffs and security and all that. And you're getting your book, you're getting a room for 49 bucks a night. I don't know how much money they're making, but if that porn. That is free money.

[E]

Right? But apparently it's true that you'd think that was all gravy, but apparently the costs of the little bottles of hand lotion were just skyrocketing. And that's really what's cutting into the shower caps.

[A]

The other thing that was. That would drive me sort of nuts is you sit on the. You know, you get to the hotel and there's something about being in a. Larry, you'll dig this. Ryan, you'll probably dig this. And Allison, we'll see if we can enlighten you or not. But I have this theory that certain things that traumatize you make you want to sort of comfort yourself. And I'll give you an example. I'm normally a fairly healthy eater. And if I sleep in and I get my full eight hours, I'll get up and have some poached eggs and some wheat toast and a little salsa, and I'm pretty good about that. But you get me up at 4:30 in the morning and start driving me to an airport, and I need three or four donuts and a large cup of coffee and a Gatorade and a Mountain Dew, like. And all of a sudden you start getting this craving for, like, Grease and McDonald's.

[D]

You feel like you deserve it.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's this weird thing where it's like, oh, man, I want to egg McMuffin and two donuts. I want to put a donut inside of an Egg McMuffin. And all of a sudden you're. You're eating like shit. And it's this weird math and. Because you normally get up at 9am and you'd eat at 10am and you eat lightly. Now you're up at 4:30, you're eating six hours before you normally eat, but you're starving all of a sudden, and you need grease and bacon and frosting and donuts and stuff. And I realize you're traumatized and you're sort of trying to soothe you. Like when. When your boyfriend breaks up with you and you bury yourself in some Haagen Dazs. Yes, I'm looking at you, Larry. The point is, I have this Theory.

[E]

I only, like, sees ice cream. Adam.

[A]

That's right. That's right. He's an American. I have this theory that when you travel, there's a couple things working. One is there is a little bit of trauma to the airport, to the security, to the plane. There's a little. I don't like being, like, flying that much and landing in hotels and I'm in a strange place and whatever. I'll bet you masturbation goes up six fold on nights you're in a hotel room. Not to mention the part where there's no prying eyes. Your girlfriend you're living with, your wife, you're living with. All of a sudden you find yourself alone and the only thing you've really packed is your. Which I rented last week and it was awesome. No, what I mean is, is I have things at home, like my TiVo and my cars and my projects and my computer and my things that I will get to. You don't have those things. You have a change of underpants and your cock. Yeah, but you ever try to beat off with a book, drill a hole in it, do the sandwich, do the pita style? So you're sort of feeling a little out of sorts. I'm always feeling a little anxiety. Like, I travel, it's like, I don't want to be here. I'm in Houston, I'm in a hotel. I'm going to be here for three days. I'm doing some shows at a club. I don't know where it is. I hope people show up. And all of a sudden you eat like shit. You double down on the boozing. You do that, you wake up, it's 11:00am Like, I could use a beer, you know? And you masturbate twice as much as you normally do. It's a weird, soothing thing. So then when I'm at the hotel and I'm sitting on the edge of the bed on top of the horrible comforter, thinking about all the souls that have passed through here and all the other guys that are thinking. Like I'm thinking times 30 years. And I turn on the TV and it says, gentlemen, Top Hat Theater presents. And you think, now you're enticing people to beat off where I'm sitting. I don't know if this is a great plan. And I'm hoping that theater this new. I think it was on the Simpsons. I saw the new. The point is, I think this new. This. This new jump in technology might move the beating off from my comforter to the bathroom where God intended it.

[D]

To go or to the little desk that some hotel rooms have.

[A]

If someone would come up with a sort of aquatic laptop, I think we could shift the whole thing into the, into the shower stall. You know they first they start off with the cameras and the yellow. And then the yellow phones that, you know, they don't have to be good to 10,000 fathoms, but enough to get a little overspray over your shoulder while you're in the shower. That's what we need to do. Wet dry laptop, by the way, specifically for porn about. Yeah, but we won't advertise it that.

[D]

No, we'll advertise it for workaholics.

[A]

Like when they advertise vibrators. Then we show the chick putting it on her shoulder.

[E]

In a sense, everything is specifically about porn. Even the mind of M. Night Cheya Lie.

[A]

All right, we're still waiting for the great Seth MacFarlane to show his face up here.

[D]

Do my news outro then.

[A]

Did you have. Yeah. Do we have. By the way, what was that story out of Russia? Do you have that one? Did you hear about that one? The terrorists blowing up the airport?

[D]

I don't have that one.

[A]

It's weird because it was in Russia so no one seems to give a shit. It was kind of all over the news, but I don't. I was just sort of hearing bits and pieces of it. I didn't really, really get the full story. I think there was a terrorist attack. Suicide bomber at the largest airport in Moscow. 35 dead. I believe. Russian president said that they will mourn this day and punish those guilty. By the way, when the Russians say we're going to punish you, they're not talking about waterboarding. They pray when they get caught, it's waterboarding.

[E]

Same thing of just a. Kneel here please.

[A]

Right, Neil.

[E]

Here. You mean by the drain? Right, Neil, here please.

[A]

Right. Now. The, the bombing took place. I know it was in the airport, but at what point at the airport was it in front of security? Was. It was in the baggage claim terminal at a very busy hour. Uh huh. See I've said. And again, I don't want to give any terrorists any tips, but I've said this many times. I've gone through the airport and they do the serpentine thing where they line you up and you're doing the zigz move with it. And it's, it's. First off, there's nothing less satisfying than walking 190ft but only moving forward 18 inches, which is what you do with this sort of Serpentine, you know, thing. And I look around and I think there's no possible way to get more people in a. In an area. I mean, then the, you know, when you go to McCarran in Vegas, when you see the security line at that place, sometimes how far it goes back, when you just go to LAX on a busy day or whatever it is, there are more people. Now, I know the terrorists would like to get him in the air, but the white devil's the white devil, whether he's on terra firma or 35,000ft in the air, are we not? I'm holding a Samsonite and I'm standing here. What's the difference?

[D]

Would you go through security to go through security?

[A]

Well, what I've been saying is. And when in pre security, you're just standing there with a suitcase, could be filled with C4. Now, what's happened a million times with me is you have the bottle. I've seen it happen a million times. Somebody gives me a bottle of wine as a gift when I go out on the road. Larry, I'm sure this happens to you, except for it's aftershave. But either way, you go out, it's an older crowd. You go out, it's more seasoned crowd and more of a Whitman sampler style. A Seize a season sampler.

[E]

It's usually fountain pens.

[C]

I get.

[A]

And you go out and you're traveling and you forget. You throw the bottle of wine that was a gift in your suitcase or whatever, and then the guy pulls it out and he says, sorry, sir, you can't with this. And if you'd like to check it with the. If you'd like to go to the UPS store on the other side at another airport, you can, but. And you go, you know what? Fuck it, throw it in the. And the guy just takes it. And this is how you know it doesn't really pose a threat. He throws it into the garbage can, which sits in the middle of all the people that are traveling. So if it was, let's just say a bottle of liquid nitro that was going to take out. And then, by the way, that's a.750 milliliter bottles, enough to take out 500 civilians. But throw it into the trash can. Well, okay, well now you've taken my explosives and thrown them into the trash can where everyone is standing around, civilians

[D]

are standing around with the other lighters,

[A]

with all the other lighters and other paraphernalia. I have often said if terrorists wanted to really get us find the busy area Airports find the busy days and the busy travel times and the holidays or whatever, have them innocently enough show up with a couple bottles of champagne or something that they're bringing with them with their round trip ticket and have the guy go, sorry sir, those need to go into the. And you throw them into the thing and everything's on a timer and it all just goes off at once. You take out more people than you take out with one jet airliner and no security. And you want to talk about creating panic? What the hell are you supposed to do at the airport if it's pre security?

[D]

From the mind of Adam Corolla, right,

[A]

comes a very viable terrorist plot. Now I don't know why they don't do that. There's nothing, there's no pre check for the security. And if you're going to be a suicide bomber, why try to smuggle it through when you can avoid that whole mishigash, as they say.

[E]

But you, you know what, by the way, we've all wondered why in last 10 years somebody hasn't just gone into a mall with an automatic weapon. You know, one of these guys, but apparently that's not the thing. Either they're much smarter or much dumber than we think.

[A]

I hate to sound like a right wing douchebag, but no, I don't. I think we've made a difference. I know there's this thing where killing leaders with Predator drones just creates more terrorists, but I don't do that kind of math with terrorists or cockroaches. I don't think killing more of them creates more of them. And I think the Patriot act, which is basically prying into people's computers and just a fear of them thinking they're being overheard or their cell phone conversations are being listened to, just the fact that we've sort of opened it up a little bit and they can no longer move. They used to move around with sort of impunity. Now the movement, I think they've sort of been cut off and I think we've done a good job since 9 11. I don't think it's a coincidence. I think somebody said, look, I'm sorry, aclu, somebody may get their feelings hurt, but we're going to try to save a couple of financial centers. So tough shit. If somebody's laptop gets looked into who doesn't have anything on it, you know what? Tough shit. And that's what we've been doing and I feel like it's been effective. And I don't know how you can argue with it because it's been nine years and we haven't had anything on this soil. Well, at least thus thus far, I'm all for it. Doesn't mean it can't happen, but I'm all for it. The guilty of the innocent have nothing to hide. Sorry.

[D]

Yeah, it's really hard to tell because it's like it's effective if nothing happens.

[A]

Yeah. Whereas if something happens, it's hard to quantify nothing.

[E]

I'd like to think that, I think we'd all like to think that, that there is a group or several groups out there that are actually doing a good job and they know how to send people in. And by the way, there was a news report today, this is no baloney, that in Iran they've changed their negotiating tactics with the European Union about the whole nuclear thing because apparently someone is killing Iranian nuclear scientists.

[A]

Right.

[E]

And they think it's clandestine groups and I guess they're all over Europe or we're in that too. And that they're apparently, you get how many nuclear scientists can, can there be three. 1156. Right. That they're killing. So they're actually throwing them back so that they're starting to say, nevermind the negotiation, never mind the sanctions. We're actually slowing it down. This was on NPR today, by the way. So this is not like in some crazy publication. They're saying that the official diplomatic organizations are saying, well, then we'll just let it sit the way it is because someone is doing this. Right.

[A]

And, and I think, I think we all like that. I mean, it doesn't matter how, you know, pro, how left leaning you are, how NPR you are, how, whatever. I think somebody likes the notion of taking evil and sort of heading it off at the pass and nipping it in the bud. And this thing where people go, hey, how come you guys get to have a nuclear arsenal and they don't? Because we're not homicidal jihadist maniacs. They. That's why. And do this math. You know, people do this. Well, yeah, but you guys are the only country in the world that has used nuclear devices on other people. Had it coming, number one, number two, had it coming, number three, asked for it, number four, had it come. And number five, asked for it. And number six, we saved many more Japanese lives by not having to go invade their homeland and their maniacs, by the way, they brainwashed people into thinking that we would do to them what they would have done to us had they conquered us. Oh, yes, let the raping and enslaving begin. So that's why when we're island hopping on the way to Japan, that's why everyone was jumping. That's why the villagers were jumping off cliffs, because they just did the math. Rape, Murder.

[D]

Awesome.

[A]

And rape, right? We're better than other countries. Thank you.

[E]

I like rape.

[A]

Dropping those bombs, the best, biggest favor ever did with them. And by the way, they should have surrendered after the first one. So what? They only had three days. They should have done it. Three fucking hours. But they didn't do it. They would have. We would have had to go over there and take out that entire island and would have cost millions of lives. And guess what? If they had a bomb, it would have dropped it in Manhattan. Hopefully in wherever we're playing the World Series. That's what they would have done with that bomb. So tough shit. And we've set off more nukes on our soil than we have on any other soil. If you think about it. I mean, how many nukes? Sure, it's been in the middle of the Nevada desert, it wasn't Chicago during the summertime, but I. We have, we've lit off more nukes on our terror on our soil than we have on, on others. Ah, Seth MacFarlane is here, everybody.

[D]

This has been the news with Allison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[A]

That was the news with Alison Allison Rosen. You can find a good friend, Larry [e-mail] and. Oh, what, I gotta get that in there.

[F]

Larry's used to it, you know.

[A]

I'm sorry. And of course, right here on the hbo.

[E]

By the way, I also want to say, in this Thursday I'm going to be at the Paramount Theater in Austin, Texas. And the week after that.

[A]

No, no, sorry, that is incorrect.

[F]

May have been random. Sorry.

[A]

Keep going.

[D]

Come on, keep going. Gone.

[E]

The week after that I'm going to be at the DC Improv the third and the fourth and the something. Oh, the something.

[A]

We'll see. We'll see. No, I thought I was. No, Brian says.

[D]

Come on.

[A]

All right, been fun. Quick break. The great Seth McFarland. Yeah, back with the great Seth McFarland. Always a fan. I think everyone is. Must be nice being you.

[B]

Depends on the day, Adam. I find. I find ways to hate myself. I promise.

[F]

Really.

[A]

So I know Seth is doing well because the last couple of times I've either at his house or talked to him on the phone, somebody was coming over to do something to him. And unless now, if it's the meal, it's a rich man, poor man thing because if it's the Meals on Wheels van is here. I gotta go.

[B]

Yeah. That I'm in trouble or the dog

[A]

catcher or something like that. No, the person that cuts his hair was showing up to the.

[D]

To the house.

[A]

Are there.

[B]

Are there still dog catchers?

[C]

Is that.

[B]

That seems like something that for some reason would not exist anymore.

[A]

I don't know. I mean, I know they have another title like stewardess and meter maid.

[B]

I've never met. I've never met a dog catcher. I've met meter maids. I've met cops. I've met firemen. You know, I've never met a dog catcher.

[A]

And also I've never met a truant officer, even though was always threatened that that guy was Portra somewhere around the house.

[B]

Exactly. I don't think that ever existed. I think that was just a phantom threat that they used to.

[A]

No, but I'll tell you who. When. When I was growing up, the truant officers were the sort of a hole snitch parents of your friends who were, you know.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

Mrs. Wilhoyt was driving to Gelson's at 10 o' clock and saw Adam playing grab ass on the front lawn and called the school. That's what happened. The draw. The dime droppers, as it were.

[D]

I don't remember there ever actually being hall monitors.

[A]

Yeah, that's an interesting one too. Yeah, the safety monitors, the hall monitors, all that. All that stuff. Seth is living the life that we could only dream of. And I want to talk all about it. One is the. The love, which is music and. And not only music from a bygone era, but a music that only bi guys liked. In a bygone era. It had to be by. Or gay. Dear God, what a breakthrough buys from a. When they say a bygone era, they mean guys that dug dudes and chicks, but the big. The full, rich, big sad horns and. And as I was skipping my rope this evening and thinking about not only Jack Lalanne's departure but Seth. Seth MacFarlane's arrival to our studio, a song popped up on my ear. Earbuds. And it was a guy by the name of Gene McDaniels.

[B]

Oh yeah, you played him. You played him for me last time I was here.

[A]

And I thought, I wonder. I.

[F]

The Adam I know doesn't repeat himself.

[A]

And I can't remember. I can't remember. Well, nothing embarrassing. Nothing else on my. On my ipod would. Would correspond as well as Gene. And then. Yes, my next thought was I must have played this last time. Last time session came In. But then Seth came in and said he hasn't been to this new studio yet.

[B]

No, no, this. No, no, this was when you were. When it was at your house.

[D]

Perfect coming together.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So then I thought, how did I play him? Well, now I want to hear Gene McDaniel. So you could just play underneath and you could cover this. But the stuff, the stuff you do is big band.

[B]

Yeah, well, you know, we. We just completed a. An album for.

[A]

For.

[B]

I'll listen to that.

[A]

Yeah,

[B]

listen to that. Happy drunk trombone.

[A]

Yeah, I know. It's such a drunken entry.

[B]

That's a guy in a pork pie hat stumbling out of a bar at 2 in the morning in 1949. No, I. We just finished this album for Universal Republic recorded at Capital in studio A movie with Sinatra's microphone, which is on loan from the Smithsonian.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

About a 55 piece orchestra, all recorded to analog tape.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

So it has that nice kind of warm, rich kind of tone and just that slight hiss. You know, nothing's too perfect.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And everything was done live, you know, it was right in there with the band and.

[A]

Pardon me, but now are you arranging the songs? Are you?

[B]

No, I.

[A]

Singing the songs.

[B]

I worked with an arranger who writes for American dad, this guy Joel McNeely, who just has a flair and a talent for that style of arrangements. And we picked songs that, you know, from the same source book that Sinatra and Dean and those guys drew from. And everything was a show tune back then. I mean, most of the stuff that he sang was actually taken from one of these horrible forgotten shows of the 1920s. And there were a lot of them, but the song endured. There would be shows that would just be fluff, but there were great songs. And so we pulled about 15 songs

[C]

that

[B]

none of those guys ever touched, but probably should have. And, and, and just sang a bunch

[A]

of tunes as Peter.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All as Peter. All as Peter. It's, it's. But. But we made it gorgeous.

[A]

Now, I imagine, you know, if I got it, you know, it's kind of weird, but when you talk to comedians who do, you know, they're comedians, but they, they're impressionists oftentimes. And then they sing and they go, well, I do a Great Sammy Davis Jr. Whatever. But a certain point you're doing the math, which is if you can sound like this crooner when you're singing, then even if you're making fun of them or even if you're a comedian, you are technically singing, right?

[B]

Well, yeah, yeah. I mean, the ideal is to. To you know, if you're doing a. Like a serious jazz album, which is. Which is what. What this is, you want to try and stray away from that. And part of the. Part of the way we hopefully did that was by picking songs. You know, if you sing Come Fly with me or I've got you under my skin, you can't help but slip into his phrasing, because we've all heard those songs for so many years. So there's another reason that we picked songs that were. That were a little more obscure.

[A]

And how this influence. How did this. This start the background. And I'm sure this stuff. I asked you before, too, when you were here last time. I know you grew up in the Boston area.

[B]

I grew up in. Yeah. In New England and in Connecticut. I actually have a lot of family in Boston and just outside of Boston. But my parents were very musical. My father auditioned for Hair back in the 70s, and he was a folk singer at one time, and he was tapped by the Johnny Carson show to come. Come on and sing, and he turned him down because he was a hippie and Sell out to the man.

[A]

Dance for the man.

[B]

Exactly. Exactly.

[A]

Whitey.

[B]

I'm sure now he regrets it, but.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Especially Whitey. And, you know. But it was always very important to them that my sister and I be exposed to, you know, the great American Songbook, the great musicals that they had grown up with. And, you know, so they kind of drilled it into us early. So I had a.

[A]

Well, sometimes that works, and then sometimes it doesn't work. I know you're. You're close with your sister, right? Did it work on her? Because oftentimes people just rebel and they start listening to Gwar and Slipknot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, they're tired of doing whatever their parents wanted them to do.

[B]

I think the, you know, the Ann Murray, Rita Coolidge stuff probably is where that was. That played out.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know, whenever I hear Anne Murray Snowbird, I just think of my. I just think of driving to the dump with my dad, which is probably exactly what she was going for.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But. But. But with the. You know, with the standards, it's like they're so ubiquitous. They're so universal. You can't. I mean, there's. There's nothing not to like.

[A]

Well, I always say the thing about art is the. It tests whether it's architecture, automobiles, or songs. It's just if. If it. If you can't tell when it was done or it looks as good now as it did back then or whatever it is, as I always complain of a lot of these bad 80s songs. You can listen to them and go, that would have been done between March of 83 and December of 84. Like, you know exactly when it's done and if you know that it's bad.

[B]

Yeah, well, I. I think there's some truth to that. I mean, it's, you know, in. In. In, you know, true, true. In pure songwriting. It's. Yeah, it's. It's genre free. It's like you have the melody and you have the lyrics, and that's. That's why, you know, you take a song like Lonely Goatherd, they can do it in the Sound of Music, and then Gwen Stefani can turn around and ruin it. But people still love it.

[A]

I know. Well, she called me a racist, so there's no love loss with that great songstress made fun of me. Well, you know, it wasn't my fault Ball. Brian, I don't know if you were there at the time.

[F]

Believe it or not, I've heard the story before, but.

[A]

Story before. Why don't you play some Gene McDaniels while I repeat the story so we could really just double down on the repetition.

[D]

I've never heard it.

[A]

Well, okay, first off, I'm the host of a show, so it is my job to attempt to be funny and. Or entertaining. I know there's many things you do in the Family Guy and American dad in Cleveland that you probably disagree with or you would not do it at dinner party.

[B]

I'm sure she hates my guts, too, because we've taken some. Some hefty shits.

[A]

Okay, good. So, you know, you're.

[B]

You're.

[A]

And so we're sitting there, we're doing Loveline, and she's sitting there with the rest of no Doubt. And somebody calls up and asks about some interracial dating. And I said, well, what's the guys. And. And so Gwen. I didn't say to stop Gene McDaniels. You know, the universal. Hold on. Turn it up a little.

[B]

That photo could either be Gwen Stefani or Christopher Walken in the dead zone.

[A]

So she says, well, now I've dated. I've done some interracial dating. And I was like, all right. And then when I was done beating off, I got back to my refractory period. I started focusing again and I said, you've done interracial dating? And she said, yeah, I dated an Indian guy one time. I. For a long time I was dating an Indian guy.

[B]

Right, well, that doesn't really count, does it?

[A]

Well, the whole point is the guy was sitting next to her, and she said, I've done interracial dating. And she said, indian. And I said, woo woo Indian or 711 Indian. And then she got pissed and he got pissed. But here's what I'm saying. Don't say you've done interracial dating with the person that's sitting next to you and never say anything. She never said, oh, by the way, this is. This is the guy, right?

[B]

Well, could you not. I mean, was he like, what he. I mean, he obviously looked Indian.

[D]

Yeah, he's very.

[B]

Oh, very Indian.

[A]

But first, very, very other. These folks don't play bass for Scar bands all the time. I mean. I mean, this is pre Bollywood, but

[D]

a lot of things are about their relationship. I know, but maybe she thought that you should know.

[A]

But it's not like. It's not like she's sitting around said, you know, God, Holders Curry, we're going to Bombay. Like, there was not none of that.

[D]

Don't speak.

[F]

Back it up.

[B]

She's. She's. She's coming to be interviewed by you, right? For Christ's sake.

[A]

I mean, what does she expect?

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

I'm just saying, if you're gonna say, you know, interracial dating and you're gonna talk about it for a while, point out that it's a guy sitting next to you. Even do me a little color show, right?

[B]

You get Ricky Gervais for the Globes. Don't act surprised when you. When it's funny.

[A]

When I say, well, what was the guy's nationality? You can point at the guy at this point. He's sitting right here. Anyway, she called me racist, which, you know, it's true, but not in this case, is what I'm. Did I tell you to stop? Gene McDaniel.

[D]

God, Brian.

[A]

Yeah. Do you have Hundred pounds of clay play that as well.

[D]

So she called you a racist during the interview or after?

[A]

No, the room. The. The temperature got a little cold in the room and. Did I play this one last time? We were there as well.

[C]

This is nice. This is.

[A]

Yeah. Turn it up, turn it up. He likes the arrangement. I can tell.

[F]

All right.

[A]

You know this one?

[B]

No, but I.

[A]

This is how. This is how we make it.

[B]

Makes me want to take my clothes out of the dryer at the laundromat.

[A]

Turn it up, turn it up.

[F]

You were saying something about being timeless.

[D]

What's missing?

[A]

And he rolled his big sleeves up. That's how God made woman.

[B]

It sounds like what they played when, like, Louie Guzman Found out that. That. What is it? Richie Valance died in that plane.

[E]

No.

[D]

Or like, if I had a beloved dog that I lost and then I was reunited with, this would play when I found the dog and danced with it at the laundromat, where you're getting your clothes out of the dryer.

[B]

I always associate, like, heavy, heavy early 60s reverb with the laundromat for something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Must be like that K or single.

[A]

Single speaker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll tell you, Anyone is. First off, everyone should have the experience of going to a coin op laundromat and just. Just to smell the sights, the sounds. It's humbling. It's grounding. But a lot of work can get done at one of those places.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I don't know if there's something about the humidity or the smell of the drill. You get a lot of writing and reading and, like, I used to sit there as a. As a struggling artist and just a. No notebook and just fill it with sketches about laundromats. Unfortunately, I could think of.

[D]

Are those unpublished?

[A]

Yes. Soon they'll be found in my new.

[F]

Laundromats are like the. The adult version of Scared Straight. Like, you go there and you're like,

[A]

I'm not ending up here.

[F]

I'm just.

[E]

Work.

[A]

That's what I'm gonna do with my kids. Yeah. I'm gonna drag them to a coin op laundromato. You want to end up. You end up. You want to be in charge of putting the mini boxes of Tide in the.

[B]

There's your movie, Adam Corolla, the Laundromat Diaries.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Since the word diaries is now required to be used in every movie that comes out ever, anywhere.

[A]

Sorry, you were saying? Allison?

[D]

Oh, now I don't want to say it because it's not interesting. So I'll just make it real fast. When I lived in New York, I would drop my clothes off at the laundromat, and they would do them, and I felt like a real asshole. But it's the same price, or cheaper, actually, to just drop them off.

[A]

Oh, really?

[D]

So I didn't get to sketch. I just dropped them off, and they got them back, and they were folded in this tiny little thing.

[A]

All right, but you're in New York and you have a lot of, like, indentured servitude. Like, you have a lot of boat people that were brought over and essentially enslaved and stuff.

[D]

Like, that's why.

[A]

For the price of the journey. No, not why you move there. But that's why you could get a fluff and a fold for 59 cents because somebody was keeping these people without their consent. You know, what they do is they bring you over from wherever you're from, and then they make you work for 15 years, essentially, thus. But passing the savings along to the

[D]

woman who worked there was never friendly to me, even though I went there every. Every single week.

[A]

That's right.

[D]

Like, what is wrong with her?

[A]

Well, Seth, I just hated her job. So you. You grow up, your parents are sort of songsters, hipsters, hippies. Probably not a lot of cash coming in.

[B]

Not a lot of cash? No, no. My father was a teacher. My mom was a secretary. So, I mean, yeah, there was.

[A]

There was no cash, but they instilled the love of the arts to the children. Yeah, yeah. And. And did they give you a feeling that you could do? They wanted you to be creative?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. There was. There was never pressure to be a doctor or a lawyer or.

[A]

And you could pursue whatever creative endeavor you. You wanted. That that's what they worked on.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, yeah, there was a balance. I mean, it got to a point where I was, you know, drawing the Smurfs in my textbooks.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And that got out of hand. And so, you know, they slapped my

[A]

wrist a little bit, but said, move on to Marmadu. Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Something that has a little more staying power.

[A]

Time evolved. So come on up now. But, but, but they recognize you had a talent and at least a will to do this.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, they were. They were both working three jobs to put me through, you know, art school. So it's. They got it.

[A]

Did you learn a lot at art school?

[B]

I did, actually, yeah. Yeah. I went to the Rhode Island School of Design and hugely, hugely beneficial in developing the basics of the style that I still use for the animated shows that I do.

[A]

And when you graduated, then how does it work now? You want to work for Hannah Barbera, Right. You came out here shortly after graduation. Do they do some headhunting? Do they come out there and go draw Yogi and Boo Boo for me? Let's see what we got here.

[B]

Draw Squiddly Diddly and Sugar Doggy and. Yeah, they. And The Partridge Family, 2200 A.D. can

[A]

I ask you, by the way, in the cop out name department, Squidley Diddly or Grape Ape? Worse, cop out. Like in the I got nothing department, Squidly Diddly.

[B]

Because I feel like. I feel like Grape Ape was at least, you know, okay, he's a gorilla and he's purple.

[A]

How about Hair Bear Bunch Versus Squiddly Diddly in the cop out name department.

[B]

Hair bear bunch. They still got the funny afros, you know. Squiggly Diddly. What? He's just like an octopus or something. I don't know.

[A]

But making a name that rhymes. No, nay, a sound that rhymes with squidly after you've named him. Squidly does not count as a name.

[B]

I would wholeheartedly agree. They were clocking out at 3:30 in the afternoon, right?

[A]

It must have been drunk by noon because it was like, squidly.

[D]

Yeah. They're like. What'd you draw? Something squidly.

[A]

Squidly. What rhymes with squidly Diddly diddly. Mean it?

[D]

Bingo. Bingo.

[A]

All right, move on. Moving on.

[C]

Next.

[B]

And he's only got. He's not. What is. That's like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I count six arms.

[A]

Well, yeah, seven. All right. But Stewie only has four fingers.

[B]

I don't know who that guy is in the white, but I bet he was. I bet Squidley Diddly was always making trouble for that guy. Whoever.

[A]

He looked like a troublemaker.

[D]

He looks like the guy who would swallow his whistle.

[A]

And there was always a sort of Mr. Mooney. It was just a very uptight white guy who was like, what's going on on my ship? You know, like, swallow his. That's a convention from something.

[D]

I don't know what, but it's from Frosty the Snowman. The cop swallows the whistle.

[B]

Oh, my God, that's great.

[A]

Yeah. And there's the grape. There's the grape 8. But they used it. They would use the. There were certain jokes. Like, we had like, eight jokes. Like there was as the. As I've always spoken about. There was Sule humor for a while. Act one. Don't slam the door. Timeless, I have a Sule cook.

[D]

Timeless.

[A]

I have a souffle. And at some point, the kids would come home and slam their books down. Not the souffle. At the end of Act 3, the souffle would fall. There was that. There was. Was hobo seeing something that he shouldn't have. Looking at the bottle of booze and dumping.

[B]

Pouring it out.

[A]

I would argue that that was the reason to double down on the booze. There's shaking the head, dumping the booze out.

[D]

X's for eyes, right there.

[A]

There was the. There. There was this. Well, there was all the good foot stomping humor. Like where the guy was right in the middle of telling the story and the other guy would stomp on his foot. He'd yell out. And then there was this one too, where we come up with an excuse. See, you say, allison, you say to me and Seth, where were you? Why are you home so late? And I say, we were volunteering at the orphanage. And then Seth says, we were at the library. And then we look, then we flip them.

[B]

We were taking the orphans to the

[A]

library, what we were doing, right? And then I stomp on his foot.

[D]

And then I'm like, pussy fly.

[A]

Yeah, there were. There was about nine jokes. And they just would put them in different orders and put them in different sitcoms and put them in different. There's a. There's a great.

[B]

There's a great old film when McGilla Gorilla came out. And I, I have a copy somewhere that Hanna Barbera put out. I. I'm assuming it was for advertisers. And it was hosted by George Feniman from a Groucho Marx show. And, and they just had. They had like, phony footage of, like, the writer's room of Magilla Gorilla, clearly all staged. And it's a bunch of guys in suspenders and ties, and they're looking at a picture of Magilla on the wall, and they're like, magilla, you're a big help. Why don't you tell us where you're supposed to live? Well, what about the jungle? And what's funny about a gorilla in the jungle? And they eventually come up with the idea that he lives in this pet store store. And, and. And it keeps the owner going broke, buying bananas. I could do six banana stories myself. And then they go into this kind of walla where it's like, ah, you take them to the circus and you put them up on the moon and you take them out west and all the same cartoon stories they used to do over and over.

[E]

Right?

[B]

It's. It's hilarious if you can. If you can find it anywhere.

[A]

It's the greatest. Try to YouTube it. And McGilla Gorilla, marginally better than squiddly, diddly or not any better. A retarded push prep.

[B]

Probably a better premise.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

But there's one word that has a reference to the real world means something. Squidly and diddly. Neither of them.

[B]

Those are both.

[A]

Good point. So now you. You do they come cherry pick you? Do they come out to the Art Institute and go, hey, man, we got a. We got a regular Beethoven over here with a fountain pen.

[B]

They. At the time, they, they were. Yeah, they, they, they.

[A]

It's all like that.

[B]

That's good. That's close enough. They. They had a program that they had launched at that point called what A cartoon. And it was, it basically allowed, like green, you know, animation students who had never done anything before in their life to do their own stuff instead of beginning by working on, you know, the Flintstones or, you know, Fred and Barney Cops or whatever the hell it was.

[E]

Right.

[B]

You know, you went in there and you did your own stuff. And so I did a student film while I was there that called Tuna Puna. Called Tuna.

[A]

It's about a mischievous tuna fish.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it's good stuff called Wacky Quack. And they bought it and they, you know, I was in a community where there was a lot of very artistic stuff being done and I was just, you know, making shit jokes.

[A]

So they got you and they bring you over to Hanna Barbera. You're at what age at this point?

[B]

Point? I was about, at the time I was, I just turned 22.

[A]

So you're young and a good example for all the folks listening out there of. It would have been a waste of time for a, for Seth MacFarlane to enter just a four year university and do, you know, be well rounded and all that kind of stuff. He obviously had a calling. It was drawing smurfs on a peachy folder as parents saw that and directed him and put, took, took that and pointed a direction. Later on you, you became well rounded, I'm sure. But at this point, let's focus on what, what you want to do and what you're good at. So you do that. Now you're 22 and you have a gig out here in Hollywood, essentially, and you're out at Hanna Barbera. Is that when they were off of Cahuenga?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, they were right. The base of Universal City in that big building still there. I don't know what it is now, but.

[A]

And you, you, you, you show up there and you just start working on the stuff that they're working on.

[B]

Yeah, well, no, I, I started. I did a short called Larry and Steve that was. And it was based on my student film. I mean, if you go back and listen to it, it's basically the same voices as, as Peter and Brian. You know, they're just different characters. But. And you know, then once I was done with that, they put me on Johnny Bravo.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

And during that time I was. There was a new head of development that had taken over at Hanna Barbera, this guy, Adam Shapiro. And he was a very savvy New York executive and he wanted to get them back into the primetime business. And you know, I said, well, you know, I got this thing, Family Guy that I'VE been kicking around now.

[A]

They. They did the Flintstones and like the Jetsons in primetime. And who didn't wait till your father gets home.

[B]

That was also Hanna Barbera.

[A]

So there were. There were, you know.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

The Simpsons weren't the first guys to do primetime animation, although it feels that way now. But there was stuff back in the day.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, it was a long time. You know, the. The Flintstones was on, what, in the 60s? And then it went off the air. There was really nothing in prime time. I mean, that's.

[A]

Wait till your father gets home. I think was.

[B]

Didn't last long.

[A]

It felt like a long time, though, because A wasn't that good, and B, I was nine. Tom Boswell feels like a long time. Yeah, I guess so. And maybe Burns of Burns and Shriver. I can't remember. I can't remember the other voiceover actors on that. On that show, but it was basically. And it was an animated all in the Family, but not. Not quite.

[C]

Tell me about that. Grandpa Corolla.

[A]

Yeah, but it seemed.

[D]

It was.

[A]

It was really just kind of a direct ripoff of all in the Family. And it felt pretty good at the time is better than what, watching Maude for me when I was nine. But there's not.

[B]

There's not. There's not. I mean, I.

[A]

But it'd been a good 20 years since anything was on.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I mean, you could say that when the Flintstones went off the air, there was really nothing until the Simpsons. That. That was that vital.

[A]

Right.

[B]

The primetime animation medium.

[A]

Right. And so you got a young, hip guy who wants to get Hanna Barber back. Back on a prime time.

[B]

He took. He took me over to Fox to meet. Meet the executives and. And to pitch the show. And it was. There's a big. There's a big mural of the. The lightsaber fight between Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader from.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Empire Strikes Back over on the Fox lot.

[D]

Sure.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

And. And he said to me, I'd never been over to the Fox lot. And he said to me, all right, so I'll meet you up over on the lot. And let's see, where should we wish we hook up? There's a big painting of. It's got, like, Captain Kirk fighting swords with Buck Rogers. I'll meet you underneath that. And I got there, I was like, okay, that must be what he's talking about.

[A]

And you met. And you know what age at this point?

[B]

About 23.

[A]

About 23. So you've just been out here for About a year. And you go in there and you pitch the Family Guy.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And now, are you showing pictures of Stewie or doing the voice?

[B]

A little bit of both. I had. I had. I came in with some sketches with, you know, what is like a basic pilot pitch package for something like that. You have. Here's. Here are sketches of each character. Here's a brief description of each character. Here's a synopsis of the pilot story, and here are five little paragraphs of what subsequent episodes might be.

[A]

Now, did folks try to talk you out of Stewie and the English accent or Brian, a dog who speaks?

[B]

No, it's funny. With Fox, it was the opposite. I went in there thinking Peter is gonna be the one that they respond to.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But they kind of surprised me by, we like Stewie. That's kind of unusual. And that was a character that, you know, amused me, but I just kind of thought of as, like a side character that wouldn't necessarily, you know, he'd be kind of a secondary player.

[A]

Right. So nobody ever tried to talk you out of the sort of starting lineup of the Family Guy?

[B]

No, no.

[A]

And at that point, you do animatic, as I've learned about now in this business.

[B]

At that time, I mean, you know, I was still. I had no primetime credits and very few television credits to begin with. I mean, I just worked, you know, just Hanna Barbera. So they said, listen, if, you know, we'll give you, like, $50,000 for a budget. You know, an average budget for an animated pilot is, you know, it's in the hundreds of thousands and sometimes as high as a million. And they said, we'll give you 50 grand if you can do a pilot for 50 grand. I said, yeah, great, great, great. So I spent, like, six months just animating like crazy at home in my apartment. And after six months, present them with, like, a 15 minute, very crudely animated pilot. But the jokes were there and they bought it. And then, you know, I had no life during that time. I was literally dawn till dusk. I was working on that. And it was. It was during a time when. When was it Warner Brothers and Al, whatever that Big Time Warner merger was. So nobody knew what to do with any of us, right? So you have people sitting around getting paid and there was no work for us to do. So, you know, you'd go home and. And do your own thing.

[A]

Do you think you could summon that again? I mean, do you think you have another one of those in you?

[B]

I hope so.

[A]

I don't mean another good idea. I mean, another. Sit in a shitty apartment and not do anything but, well, animate stuff.

[B]

Maybe not in a shitty apartment, but. Oh, yeah, yeah. That skill is. I mean, that. That stays with you forever.

[A]

It does, yeah.

[B]

I mean, I still. I still do a fair amount of drawing on a daily basis. Not as much as I.

[A]

When you. When you. When you introduce a new character to any one of the series you have on, do you draw it initially?

[B]

Sometimes. If it's somebody. If it's somebody who is going to be significant and who we're going to see a lot of, then most of the time I'll do. At least I'll do a pass. It's like, this is what I. I want them to look like. If it's something that's really bizarre and I have something very specific in mind, then I'll do it. But, you know, about a third of the time, I'll do that these days.

[A]

And creatively, when we spoke over the phone, you're telling me, getting ready to start doing a feature, directing a feature, written a feature, and live action for the most part. So is the idea creatively to just sort of keep moving and keep evolving and keep metamorphosizing?

[B]

Yeah, I mean, you know, Family Guy is. I mean, you know, the show continues to do great in season eight, we're just starting season nine. I mean, the ratings are still great, which is nice to see, but, you know, you do get to a point where it doesn't scare you anymore. And, you know, there are things that are, you know, used to be intimidating and were kind of obstacles to overcome, and now it's, you know, it's very clear how.

[A]

Next challenge.

[B]

Yeah, it's very clear how to make that show.

[A]

Stop wearing a condom.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

One suggestion I could say when you draw.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah.

[A]

I. I gotta say, my nephews. I was just over at my sister's house a few weeks ago, and my nephews were all in the house, and I said, what shows you watching? And they said, family Guy. And I said, you know, uncle Adam knows that guy. And they went, okay, long, good. Five Mississippi. And then we moved on.

[B]

See that? This is. This is. This is why it's time to move on.

[A]

I know. Especially me there. Oh, I. What is it with kids today? Because first off, if I knew someone who knew someone who knew someone who had a go kart, I would have been out of my mind. Now it's like, literally, you know, it's like my sister.

[B]

But this is where this is at. This is here.

[A]

This is here.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, that's why my.

[B]

They see it all the time.

[A]

Their favorite thing growing up was Buzz Lightyear. And I was Commander Nebula in the Buzz Lightyear series, the Disney cartoons. They did 100 episodes of them. And at some point I walked in the room like MacArthur returned in Philippines. I said, you know, I was in this room, Commander Nebula. They're like, you're blocking the tv, old man.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And I was like, wow, wow. Cuz I just would have been like, where do you go and what do you do? And do you draw it yourself?

[B]

Basically, these kids today have no respect for their elders.

[A]

They don't give a shit.

[B]

It's happened.

[F]

You've become.

[B]

You've become that guy.

[D]

They know what you want and they are withholding. They smell it on you.

[A]

Maybe they smell the neediness on me.

[B]

I think.

[D]

So.

[A]

Please love me.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Please accept me.

[D]

You got to validate before you come in the room, Adam.

[A]

Oh, Jesus Christ. I mean, I remember when I was a kid, my friend's dad knew a guy who made a country record once, and he was a big celebrity to me. Never heard of him. Never listen to the record. But he made an album. Good night.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Done.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He may as well just been Burt Reynolds.

[B]

It was like. It was. Sam Waterston sometimes came to our hometown because he had a house there when I was a kid. And it was a huge, huge, huge thing. It was like, oh, my God, Sam. Here's Sam Waterston in our church.

[A]

Oh, what's it gonna take to move the. The needle with these kids now? I mean, I don't know if it's you. Porn is burnt out. All the pleasure centers. Yeah, but then they would say he's lame.

[D]

Yeah. I don't know.

[B]

Are they at that place that. That happened fast.

[A]

I'm just saying if we. If I was into the Family Guy and I tossed out the Family Guy, I would have had a lot of follow up questions.

[D]

Maybe they're playing it cool in front of you.

[B]

Family Guy is so. Is so five years ago, man.

[A]

They brought it up. They're the ones who said they watching a Family Guy. They certainly.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

Certainly weren't doing it because of my death character. I mean, they weren't blowing smoke up my ass.

[D]

That's the problem.

[A]

Yeah, well, anyway, so you come out, you do the pilot. 50 grand locked up in your small apartment that I'm sure on occasion you like to drive. Drive by in your fancy car on your way to your house up in

[B]

the hills, throw a couple of eggs or Molotov cocktails.

[A]

And, and, and now Family Guy gets picked up and you're doing it and it gets picked up and it sort of goes away as fast as it shows up. But because the ratings weren't good or what was the deal?

[B]

Yeah, they, they moved the show around, you know, from night to night. And that, that's death for any show. I mean, the audience has, the show has to have a home base. An audience has to know where to find it. And particularly with animated shows, they have to be. Shows on television work best when they're with other shows that kind of hit the same part of the brain. You know, NBC's must see TV lineup is a perfect example. Sure. It's, it's, it's. Or the cw. You know, pick, pick whatever night of ridiculousness. You know, I mean, that they, it's a well packaged, you know, network.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But you know, Family Guy would be with that 70s show. It would be with, you know, with, with Titus. It would be with, you know, live, live action shows. And it doesn't work. If you, if you, if you had, you know, as your lineup, you had, you had like the Simpsons, Seinfeld, right?

[A]

You can't put Gossip Girl in front

[B]

of the wide Home Improvement and then like 30 Rock, if that was your lineup. Those are all shows that are very successful. It would, it would, it would fail miserably because, because it would not be a cohesive night.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And you know, you, you, you air an episode of the Simpsons and you put an episode of Seinfeld after it. Seinfeld's gonna feel slow and plotting because your brain is in like this mode of, you know, fast, fast, fast, fast paced gag, gag, gag, right? And, and that was the problem that Family Guy had. Now, you know, I mean, you have the Sunday night lineup, which is, you know, all these shows feel like they belong together. Animation belongs with other animation.

[A]

You'll be glad to know one of the, you know, a couple ways, you know, you've arrived in this town. One is when somebody says, get me a Adam Carolla type. That's it. That's a good thing. And here's how you know you've arrived. When I was speaking to my agent a few months ago and I was talking about some pilot I was trying to do for Fox and some animation and some stuff like that. And I said, can we forego the whole animatic thing, like the whole presentation? I'm tired of the I have to prove it or present it. I'll write a killer script. We'll get this stuff laid Out. Everyone will see it. Everyone knows everyone's good. Yeah, we're in with good, guys. Good. Can we just. Can there be some trust? Can we just get started? I'm not getting any younger. And he said, baby, baby, they don't do that. They don't do that. You have to do an animatic. That's the way they do it. Those are the rules. And I said, no, I said, listen. I said, there's two kinds of rules. There's a kind of rules that you

[B]

make because Is your agent, Swifty Lazar.

[A]

That's how he speaks. That's how he speaks, Baby Doll Dixon. He said in between, by the way.

[E]

He's.

[A]

He's. He's always in a Dunkin Donuts, so it's in between. It's like, baby, they don't. Light and sweet. Light and sweet. They don't. Light and sweet. Thanks you.

[B]

If he can find a Dunkin Donuts out here, he's the best agent.

[A]

And I like. I like to hear him tip in the back. No, keep it. Keep this for you. That's for you. Thank you. Okay. Baby.

[B]

They don't.

[A]

And I said, they don't. They.

[E]

It's.

[A]

And I said, now, there's a difference between we don't like to do this and we can't do it because it's not that they can't do it. I know they can do it, because when Seth MacFarlane does Cleveland, the Cleveland show, he hasn't. He doesn't have to do an animatic for. For that he gets a series pickup. So it's not that they can't do it. It's that they choose not to do it. And he said, baby, you're not Seth McFarlane. I was like, oh, fucking pinch me. Thank you, Dan.

[B]

Jesus. Your agent is Lloyd Benson.

[A]

Baby, you're not Seth McFarlane.

[B]

Yeah. I'll tell you if it makes you feel better, I actually am a fan of doing animatics just for. Just. Just because, you know, you get into color animation and it gets expensive for

[D]

the dumb people here and me. What are animatics?

[B]

Well, basically, it's. An animatic is like, if you do a storyboard, you would then, like, kind of you'd, like, film the storyboard and do, like, very, very limited movements.

[D]

Oh, right. Okay.

[B]

You know, against the audio track to

[A]

kind of get a sense of. I'll speak to this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, I'm kidding. But this is. Well, no, two things. Two things. It's. Basically, it's what I said. It's A weird thing which is after wasting $2 million of CBS money doing a sitcom pilot that never saw the light of day, and then another $2 million over at NBC wasting a sitcom, their money for pilot, they never see the light of day. I just said, I understand. I would give someone $100,000 and go, you got five minutes to do something on a digital camera and it better make me laugh. And at the end of five minutes, you could tell whether you're in business with people you want to be in business with. So I said, I don't understand why they don't do that. And then as soon as you go to Fox, sure enough, that's the way they do it. Which sort of crude. Is this going to work?

[D]

Proof of concept.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Which is, which is, which is, you know, it's inexpensive, but it's hard, I think it's hard in seven minutes to. Particularly with an animated pilot. You know, you're trying to tell a story, you're trying to establish characters. Nothing is gonna be stellar in that amount of time.

[A]

Unless it's, unless I need you to come with me when we show this.

[B]

Unless it's all jokes. If it's all. And you know, I mean, look, people, you know, give Family Guy shit for all the, all the flashbacks and cutaways, but that is what sold the show. Because we know within, within the context of that pilot, you know, it was about, all right, how many we, we're not gonna, you know, character development comes over time and, you know, we'll find out who these people are over time. But for this pilot, we just gotta, they just gotta, they just gotta laugh, right? If they're laughing, then they'll come back. Yeah. And yeah, but you know, with an animatic, it's, you know, it's like if you were writing a, a sitcom pilot, you'd want to do a run through on the stage before you go and shoot it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Just for yourself, if nothing else. And that's what an animatic is.

[A]

So. I mean, I should be happy I'm doing it.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Did you do one for Cleveland?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Oh, you did?

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

Did an animatic.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Oh, good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh good. But, yeah, but knowing that it would get picked up.

[B]

Well, yeah, I mean, we already had the pickup, but we still, but we, you know, it's a valuable tool because you don't want to get the color footage back and be like, ah, rhythmically, this doesn't work. You know, it's, we should have done a rewrite on this. It Just a handy. Like, it's a handy step to go through to.

[A]

Now, what about this concept? The five minutes or seven minutes that you do that are arable. Like, it's not a crude animatic, but it's somebody saying, hey, if we're going to spend a bunch of time and a bunch of money, then we'll be that much closer to the finished product when it comes time, hopefully, to do this. Pilot error. Not a great idea. You know, bad idea.

[B]

Well, how long is your. How long is your pilot?

[A]

I have the animatic part.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I have no idea. Whatever. However long you're talking about airing because

[B]

you can't air something that's. That's five, seven minutes.

[A]

No, no, what I'm. What I'm saying is as a piece of the show. As a piece of the show. Yeah. Like, like, like, let's say we have not enough currency to be Cleveland. And, and, you know, we don't have, you know, as my.

[B]

Whatever this is should take a lot less explaining. And I know I'm a little dense.

[A]

What, what I'm. What I'm saying is, is the notion of creating five minutes worth of material.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That could then be put into the actual pipe pilot and use so that. That time and money, in a way.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I mean, that's.

[B]

I mean, I mean, I don't know if that's done or not. It's generally.

[A]

That's not how Seth MacFarlane would do it.

[B]

Generally.

[A]

I can hear my agent telling me that already, in between the light and sweet.

[B]

Generally, the idea is you want that half hour to be cohesive. You want the same team of animators.

[A]

You're saying it's almost impossible to sort of do something a year earlier and then have it seamlessly.

[B]

I'm sure it's possible. It's just. Just going to be harder.

[A]

Right. Interesting.

[D]

What about the idea of selling an animated pilot based on discussing it on a podcast?

[A]

That's a. What's a wise plan?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, I don't know what it means when I'm trying to process that. Anyway, it's called Squidly Don't Ly. And that's about all I can say about it. Seth, you know, every time you come here, we have to ask you to do one of the voices. Otherwise it just doesn't feel right. And Mike lynch said, you know, why don't you have Seth read a paragraph of your book? Book is Stewie.

[B]

And I thought, is that why it's conveniently open?

[A]

That's why it's conveniently Open. But I thought, you know, the beginning of the book and. And thank you for writing a nice tweet and a nice. Nice. Whatever.

[D]

He's mentioned it a lot.

[A]

And thank your. Thank. Thank your assistant for reading the book and writing something nice as well. The. The story was, is I. I was heading over to do a voice on the Family Guy, and because the Family Guy's a family guy, I got a call from my agent at 11:30 that the mission for 11:45 was scrubbed. And I said, well, I'm almost at the building at this point. And I said, you know what? I'm heading up anyway. And Seth wasn't there, but his assistant was. And I just walked up to him and I go, you're a writer, right? And he said, yeah. And I said, you know, sort of said, how'd you know? And I said, because when you want to be Seth MacFarlane's assistant, it's not because you want to blow him, but because you want to be in the game. And I said, well, I got a book for you to read. And then you read it, and then when you're done reading it, you tell Seth how good it was, and then you write a little glowing review, and then Seth looks at it and puts a stamp on it, and we got it.

[B]

What I've read, I intend to read it from front to back, because the pieces that I have read have been fucking hilarious.

[A]

Oh, good.

[B]

So don't worry.

[A]

We already got your system to cook up a nice review. Don't worry about that. I thought just you got another show

[B]

coming up, by the way, in the next few weeks. Another Family Guy.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah, I noticed the Death action figure over there.

[A]

You know, I must say, when I travel around more, I mean, it is one of those things, but more response with the Death and the Family Guy than sadly, the man show or crank anchors or anything else I've done. Lot of guys, lots of. Lots of questions wanting to know if I had a fallout with Norm and that guy sounds hot and things like that. So I can look forward to how many syllables are we talking about?

[B]

You know, what if we should go. We should go back to that first episode and w in, you know, like, that guy sounds hot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do like what they did with Return of the Jedi. Put fucking Hayden Christensen in where the old guy used to be.

[A]

I was just thinking that. You nerd. I. I really enjoyed. I mean, the first time I did it, we were at your old location in sort of Valley Village, where. Where I grew up, and I was with. I Don't know Doris Roberts or who the hell was. Yeah, it was Doris Roberts was doing. Doing my mom. And it was the idea that it was called Death Lives, but that death had a nagging pain in the ass mom who was constantly, constantly bugging the crap out of her.

[D]

And yeah, how would I know that?

[A]

That's my actual mom who wanted me to throw up. And I.

[B]

And the odd implication that both the grim reaper and his mother were Jewish.

[A]

Yeah. And she, she started talking about seagulls getting up my penis. And. And I was late. And there was. Oh, I am very proud of a line that I did contribute, which was at a certain point I said to Peter when she was nagging me, I said, I wish dad was still dead.

[B]

That's right. That's right, man.

[A]

Yep. Seth takes many a credit for that. I'm sure that was his baby. That's a great idea.

[F]

Not.

[B]

And I'm glad I thought of it.

[E]

Just.

[A]

You read the first paragraph of about the author as. As Stewie. I think it'll be funny.

[B]

First paragraph.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

I grew up in Los Angeles, San Fernando valley in the 70s. I was a product of separation. I would have been a product of divorce. But divorce involves filling out paperwork and paying a county clerk 60 bucks to file it. And since there were no assets to divide and no dog to argue over, that just left me and my sister. And the chances of my parents having a custody battle over us are about the same as two vegetarians having a custody battle over a pork chop.

[A]

The great Seth Macquarie, Family Guy and American dad in Cleveland all taking a little break for, I don't know, some called the Super Bowl. What? Yeah, I thought you had juice over there. Fox McFarland. Maybe my agent is wrong, maybe I ain't. There's nothing I can do about football. Can't postpone it.

[B]

It taps into our innate.

[A]

But can't they play on a Tuesday, Wednesday? Why they got a Sunday? That's animation domination. And by the way, my whole thing, as it says here, all new episodes Sunday night.

[B]

I get. If that's what it says on that piece of paper.

[A]

That's probably saying the next time you talk to the Fox PR Replace new with nude all nude episodes. That's really going to create some buzz. Family Guy and again, American dad and the Cleveland show coming back February 13th with the all nude episodes. Also, you can follow seth@seth macfarlane if you want to Twitter him. Look, look out for the new album which is coming out.

[B]

You know, it's. It was originally supposed to come out in March, and I think they're now pushing it to September because they want to roll. Give it a bit more of a drum roll. They were happy with the first few.

[A]

Well, when it's time to tamp on that snare. Come on.

[B]

Yeah, give it a call.

[A]

Will indeed, the great Seth Mack, brought to you by Jeremiah Weed. By the way, get another. Another yap in for our sponsor there. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Bald Bryan, Seth MacFarlane and Allison Rosen saying mahalo. All right, that's Adam Carolla show 4:84 with the great Seth MacFarlane in studio.

[C]

Seth has been appearing on air with

[B]

Adam Corolla since the year 2000.

[A]

And as of today's cruel classics, make sure to tomorrow for an auto installment. Until then, M and give it up. At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to a another place. Pluto tv. Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free.

[C]

Truth isn't.

[A]

It's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV. Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow,

[E]

the 100 and the X Files may

[A]

cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV stream now pay.

[B]

Never.

[A]

At first, I didn't think it was real. I woke up to this blinding light and I was transported to another place. Pluto T. Then I heard a voice. Come with me if you want to live. There were thousands of movies and shows and they were all free. Truth is, it's just so Beautiful on Pluto TV.

[E]

Free streaming of Terminator 2, Fringe Arrow, the 100 and the X Files may

[A]

cause excitement, loss of sleep and sudden belief in extraterrestrials. No credit cards or alien encounters necessary. Pluto TV stream now pay.

[C]

Never.