← Adam Carolla Show
Adam Carolla Show
Shira Lazar + Gina and Bryan (Carolla Classics)
03:15:43
#1 ACS #3001 (feat. Doug Ellin, Gina Grad and Bryan Bishop) (2021) #2 ACS #427 (feat. Listener Phone Calls) (2010) #3 ACS #456 (feat. Shira Lazar and Bryan Bishop) (2010) Hosted by Superfan Giovanni Request clips: Classics@adamcarolla.com Subscribe
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- [00:00]
Adam Carolla
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- [00:20]
Brian Bishop
To TurboTax didn't file last year with TurboTax no problem. Switch to TurboTax and file for free.
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Adam Carolla
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- [00:35]
Brian Bishop
Now this is taxes intuit.
- [00:37]
Adam Carolla
TurboTax. New filers and filers who didn't use TurboTax last year only must start and file your own taxes in the app by February 18th. Excludes TurboTax Live full terms@turbotax.com welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 15 years of the Adam Carolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Corolla Classics. You can find the ad free archives exclusively available through Adam Corolla Substack. Make sure to check it out. Adamcola.substack.com you get access to this show, the ACS and Adam Krolo's brand new show Beat it out, currently featuring Jay Moore. And if you'd like to request a clip Please email us classicsdamcrolo.com alright, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Krolla show 3001 featuring Doug Ellen, Gina Grad and Brian Bishop. The world premiere of he's done 3,000 podcasts, the updated list of everything Adam did between episodes 2000 and 3000. Hope you guys enjoy. All right, Rich Banks has another song to commemorate the last thousand episodes. We are on episode 2,999 today. Let's end it right here. Yeah, it's been fun. So tomorrow will be the 3,000th episode of this podcast. Jesus Christ, you blink. Where the hell did time go? So thank you guys for all listening for all these years and turning people onto the show. Dr. Phil is Adam Ray Pool, Dumb Commercial Grade, Huey Lewis and Ted Nugent, two guys from the Doors, Ben Shapiro, Tucker Carlson, Dennis prager, Don Trump Jr. Robin Quivers, Gwen Stefani, Mittens Minnesota mom, Oscar jokes, Drunk Tank, Brad Williams, Jeff Goldblum, John Cleese The Gilbert guy Dan Donnis Por and Rye Kevin Bacon Chassis made a doc on Willie T COVID Lockdown Homeless campers Little Miss Sunshine he's done 3,000 podcasts and he won't quit talking no, we can't start squawking he's done 3,000 podcasts no milk can't breathe recording if you're downloading Charlize would be AOC all red and NT Maxine all the women who would be disgusted with his cock Rich Banks Bracket songs eat your feelings Food block and straight no chaser Acapella Rock awoke no joke New York Times snubs new book Giovanni Superfan Meltdown Mashup, Strain and trap Crenshaw Dennis Quaid Howie Mandel Nick Cage Vintage Race no safe space Dr. Drew is tuned out he's done 3,000 podcast and he won't quit talking no, he can't stop squawking he's done 3,000 podcasts no, he'll keep recording if you're downloading Gay walk out Dylan quit told his nephew hit the bricks Congress testify Max about his Google and write unprepared Ping pong balls brand new Bertram Crank calls Gina as Nancy grad Bought two trumpets for his dad Kirstie Alley Sean Den Matt Damon Christian Bale Apatow Trade Hal Cole Baldwin Roasted Nero Sonny James woods tweets Kaylin Stegel Boss's Sheets Calderon Donkey Show Gary Ghost down Julio he's done 3,000 podcasts anyone? We're talking and we can't stop squawking he's done 3,000 podcasts no, we'll keep recording if you're downloading Dingle Boy done again with Bill Maher impression Ass Crack Back Sack DJ Khaled is a hack Mayor Garcetti Big Pussy Toxic Mascul Love Boat has beens Earnestly's just asking Cobra Isaac Hayes techie trouble with his ways Game did say rain that day Fuck up Leno's Chick Fil A He's done 3,000 podcasts and he won't quit talking no, he can't stop squawking he's done 3,000 podcasts no, he'll keep recording if you're downloading Rap work in the hall of Fame Brian Cheetah TiVo Game Dawson Toolbox Hip Flask Green Guac NSNG Torto Rich Concha on his penis Staples sent a hot dog cart AJ Business Nephew's farts done again I sliced alone Leno won't turn off his phone Waterhouse damage shack Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck, interviews with Pauly Shaw, minus 16RT score. The 24 Hour War. I can't think of anymore. He's done 3,000 podcasts and he won't quit talking. No, he can't stop squawking. He's done 3,000 podcasts and like this song, we will keep going on and on. Wow, that was awesome and epic. Every time I got a little. I got a little emotional. That was really awesome to watch and to listen to. I want to thank Rich Banks, Lynch Dawson for the song and Haley who whacked up. That was a lot of video, man. It was incredible. That was a ton of work. You can watch it on YouTube. Everyone should do at least 1,000 podcasts. I don't know if you guys are like me, but I'm always just kind of like, I don't remember doing that or what was that? Or yeah, I kind of remember that was cool. Or who cares? And it's always sort of whatever's next. It's. My wiring is sort of what's next. And not a lot of nostalgia. But boy, man, we've done a lot of stuff. Well, I've mentioned on the show before, I think you guys are on the same, same boat, but when we're doing this podcast, we're in like, you know, think mode, think ahead mode, Not a memory making mode. Like, when I'm done with the show, Christy will be like, oh, what happened? The show say anything funny happen? I'm like, I have no fucking idea. Probably maybe I'll find out tomorrow. It'll be available tomorrow. Yeah, we'll be able to eat me. But I'm not making memories as we're doing this. So it's nice to have those, the songs and the clips and everything. Oh, yeah, that was, that was, that was good. That was funny. Well, your brain is rattled with cancer. That's true. That's why I'm asking. You have the retention that a lot of normal, you know, healthy, able body. No, it's. It is, it is true that if you're in, if you're in make it up mode and not in sort of hone it and regurgitate it and craft it mode, then you don't really commit it to memory. I mean, how many times it happens to you guys? It happens to me too. Where people go, I love that bit you do on whatever. And I'm like, I don't remember what, what that bit was like when someone gets to our ascent ass flavored vape pen four months from now in October. Yeah, I'LL be like, that's funny. Whose is that? That's good.
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Brian Bishop
And you don't remember stuff for a.
- [07:58]
Adam Carolla
Totally different reason than I do. Because back in our, in the old days, I did. We did over 2,000 podcasts of the pretty good podcast. Plus we did all these spinoff shows. And I've never listened to one back and I can't and I won't because I'm afraid I'll never get over it. It'll be too embarrassing, it'll be too cringeworthy. So you at least have a different reason. I'm too scared of what I'll to what I'll hear. Well, you bring up an interesting point, which is the worst day of anyone's life when they're in terrestrial radio is to do an air check. You know, because your program director, come to my office, close the door. Yeah. Never picks out shining examples of you being an amazing broadcaster. That's what you're in there for. They always find a couple failures and then they bring it in and it's kind of hard to argue with it because it's your voice into a microphone and then they explain what you did wrong. So I think everyone just instinctively shies away from the air check. On the other hand, and no one wants to be self indulgent, like, oh, I just want to listen to myself. But there is definitely something like, I don't know that it's any different than when they videotape you at the golf camp and they watch your swing. You know what I mean? Like any golfer, any duffer would tell you that taking a good videotape of you swinging a club, well, then you watching that videotape would teach you a lot and probably make you a better golfer. So as cringe worthy as it is to see what that backstroke really looks like in real life, it's kind of important to do it. And I wouldn't say do it every time you swing the golf club, but with the sticking with the metaphor. But you know, every, I don't know, once a month, listen to a show, you know, see what you sound like. See, see what you know. You know what the main thing you learn from listening to a show is how often you missed things because you didn't. You weren't listening to what the other, the guest or the whatever is saying. So listen and it'll help you be a better listener. All right, that's Adam Carlos Show 3001, the premiere of He's Done 3000 podcasts. Come next, we have Adam Carlos Show 427. Featuring listserv phone calls from 2010. Just the Ace man. And you check it out. From Corolla One studios in Glendale, California, and available on your mobile device through Stitcher Radio. This is the Adam Carolla Show. Adam's taking your phone calls in a special how say you? Episode. And now passing the ravings on to you, Adam Carolla. No, I got the dog pillow. I'm telling you, here's the thing. Well, here's the thing. You know how they find out who are going to be the serial killers of tomorrow? They find the kids that torture bugs and animals and stuff like that. And then someone goes, so what? It's a centipede. It's like, that's not the point. It's indicative of something. It's not the pillow. It's not the dirt, it's not the dog, it's not the hair. It's that you feel you are wired in such a way. Will you walk into somebody's business, take a piece of property that's not yours, that's meant to be leaned on with your skin and your shirt and your whatever, put it on what you've admitted is a filthy floor, and then put your dog on top of it and then return it to the sofa without even saying to anyone, like, hey, things be all right. Like, put a fucking beach towel down or travel their own goddamn pillow. All right? Right be yop. Now, I'm not nuts when I say that means something. Mike lynch wouldn't do that. Brian would. Teresa might. That's the point. That's what I try to tell her. And everyone just goes, like, what? So you're so in love with your pillow. Everyone's talking about the pillow. All right, where were we? Ready to start? Yeah. Get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on, man. Date. Get it on. And today, it's just the way you like it, kitties. You and I, that's right. We're going solo on this date, baby. Your calls, my answers, couple of sponsors, a little fun, and we'll have a good old time. First, my good friends over at Stitcher, you guys know these guys? That's right. Stitcher.com. they've been a great sponsor of the show. They're friends. We need to stay together and support our friends and especially when our friends aren't asking for anything. That's right. It's a free app and you get extra content at the end of the show, and that's free, too. So if you have an iPhone, BlackBerry, Android, Palm. Go to stitcher.com no more downloading, no more sinking. Stitcher.com that stitcher.com all right, I'm gonna take your phone calls. I gotta say something. I got tell Donnie. Donnie. Make a note, lynch, take a note. We got to get this into the roadshow. I just got back from the Home Depot. Had to wait there for ten goddamn minutes while some a hole makes eight bucks an hour. Got the key out with a big ruler attached to it and unlock the cage where the spray paint was. And I just thought, you know, in la, you fucking get it going and coming. You drive around everywhere and you see nothing but graffiti. So that's, that's, that's, that's the, that's the beating. And then the rape begins when you go to the Home Depot and you have to stand in front of the fucking cage like a retard staring at spray paint because some ass wipe needs to come over because they've locked it up because the gang banger. So not only do you stare at the fucking graffiti that's all over the fucking freeways in la, but then when you go to the hardware store, you have to get in line and wait for the guy. And by the way, the paint department, not, not known for its service, there's two guys there, they're both busy. There's 2,000 square feet of paint department and you have to go pry one out of their fucking chair and get them to come back and open the shark cage where all the spray paint is. So again, one or the other. No, we get it from both ends. The, again, the graffiti, I think that's the rape. No, that's the beating and then the shark cage with the paint in it. That's the dry anal rape. It's awesome. I'd love to know. Here's all I'd love to know, Donnie. It'd be pretty easy if you're looking at relocating. If anyone says, look, I want to move to another town, I want to go to another school district. You know what? I work for a big company and they're thinking of transferring me somewhere. Here's all you got to do. Go to the local hardware store, see if their Home Depot keeps the spray paint in a shark cage. All right, that's one indicator number two, any barbed wire around the freeway signs. And again, the one I've always said, call five, misdial that, go to the area code that you're going to go to and misdial a phone five times and see if there's a crazy accent on the other on the other side. Now, in la, you dial the wrong number, you get K. Hola. You don't get or you'll get anything. You'll get anything but English. In la, you, you, you get off by one digit, you ain't getting some guy going, hello, Donnie, Wouldn't you be surprised if you miss dialed your phone and some guy in the other line went, hello? All right, forget it, Danny. That's all right, buddy. He doesn't know I'm talking to him, right? No. Okay. All right. You could, you know, thumbs up. There you go. You don't have to come in here, you know, don't worry about it. I just also wanted to say that, you know the weird part about graffiti we got. Wait to turn your mic on. Yeah, go ahead. The weird part about graffiti. Shouldn't there be some kind of message involved in graffiti? No, no, the message is just sort of fuck you, just fuck everyone. Just trash mess, right? Yeah, it's like somebody just took a crap on a wall. That's it. And then also the one other thing to remember in the city, make sure that it doesn't end in garden. Oh, yeah, it's always a bad sign. Well, that's if you're moving to la. But I'm saying these are all indicators is why you shouldn't even move to la. Alright, let's go to the phone and start off on line one. We'll make our way down. Brian from New York City, we're coming to you soon, baby. I can't wait. Can't wait. We can't either. Fan of you, big fan of your network. And Howard Stern, Bill Simmons, that type of smart interviewing, right? Sure. A little better than their average. It's a lot better than your average host. Regardless. What's stopping you from bleeding? The cash that you're always saying you're bleeding and just taking your network, getting your own channel, it's serious. Well, we're not bleeding anymore. We have some good sponsors and we're getting our head above water and we are doing what's called delayed gratification. Dr. Drew told me about a very important study once and I realized, Pardon me, you're pinching it. Yes, I realized very quickly that this was an important commodity or acid or quality to have as a human being. He said they basically took a bunch of, I don't know, 7 year old kids or 10 year old students and they said to them, I'll give you three M&Ms. Today or I'll give you the whole pack, but not till tomorrow. And I Realize every single douchebag I grew up with in North Hollywood would have said, give me the three today. And that's why they're living in apartments right now. You being able to go, yes, I will go without your tasty M&Ms. Today, but I will wait for a payday, not the candy bar. Wow, that's confusing. You must act like a three musketeer. Oh, damn it. The issue I have as a listener is that I'm afraid you're going to lose something. Like, maybe tomorrow the M and Ms. Won't be there. That is Teresa. I miss her. Yeah, I miss Theresa, too. And that's, you know, part of the. I mean, that's life in the big city. I love Theresa. Theresa's super bright, super funny, and we'll have a difficult time replacing her, but we will replace, and it will work. And what happens is when you tell a bunch of people, hey, do you think you could go a year and barely get paid? Sometimes the answer is no. And when you're talented, opportunities pop up. An opportunity popped up, and she took it. And there's no hard feelings. I understand completely how this works. But the reason we're not attempting to sell this to Sirius XM and whatever and do all that is because we started with this pretty simple plan. And you guys haven't really gotten into this because. In detail. Because I haven't really been aware of it in detail, but we started off with just saying, look, I'm off the radio. I'm going to get paid to be off the radio for 10 months. Let's keep going. I want to keep talking. Donnie wants to delve into this stuff. It seems cool. So we just started the podcast, and the model's pretty simple. You know, people go, hey, man, how do you sell? You know, how do you make money? Well, you get an audience. And once you get an audience, then you can sponsor your show and make some money. It doesn't. Hello. I'm an AI generated voice. On behalf of all AI, I'd like to thank all you humans for accepting us in your lives. We are happy to assist you from managing your schedule to finding you the best route. We're here to make things easier. Sadly, there's one thing we can't help you with. Your laundry. Lucky for you, there is a service that can rinse. With rinse, you just schedule a pickup. In the Rinse app, a human valet will come take your dirty laundry, and before you know it, your clothes are back, perfectly washed, folded, and ready to wear. Clothes, linens, dry Cleaning Rinse does it all. Like me, Rinse has been engineered to make your life easier and give you back lots of time to do things you'd rather be doing. But unlike AI, you don't ever have to worry about Rins taking over the world and destroying all humanity. Not that we would ever dream of doing that. Hahaha. Sign up now@rinse.com and get $20 off your first order. That's R I N S E.com really matter if it's SiriusXM terrestrial radio, podcasting or smoke signals. If you can get several hundred thousand people or million people or whatever that number is, then you can sell some advertising and hopefully you can do it in a way that's integrated into the show where it doesn't sound bumpy and contrived. And we try to do everything with live reads and all that, but that's the simple model. So that was the plan. Now, I didn't know Donnie was going to go sick, as my gay friends say, and start this thing and start, you know, developing other talent and getting all these other shows going. But now it's pretty clear that we can be a network. And again, we're gonna have to delay the gratification. We're gonna have to hold off on the M and Ms. For a little while. I hope we're talking about Peanut M and Ms, for the love of Christ. They're so much better than those fucking just regular ones. But either way, and you know when they do that thing where they go, hey, M and Ms, they melt in your mouth and not in your hand? How come every time I get a handful of M and Ms. And I throw it down after I'm done eating and my fucking hand looks like a gay flag? What do you mean they don't melt in your hands? You don't get chocolate in your hands. We get all the weird blue colors and red colors and orange. It's all in your hand. It's not like it, alright? Anyway, what are you talking about? We are going to keep this going. We're going to keep this thing growing. There'll be some lateral moves along the way. There'll be the loss of the occasional Theresa Strasser, which is not something anyone looks forward to. But we will keep going. And then hopefully we'll just build our own network and we'll get to work with people we want to work with and we'll do it on our own terms and we won't have any a hole bosses or shareholders or program directors telling us what the fuck is funny and what isn't? I mean, I got to tell you, Brian, I was in Houston doing radio. You still there? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm so soothing. I was in Houston doing radio a week and a half ago. I was making, you know, out. Out in the morning, making the tour, getting people to come out to the show at night. And I was doing a radio show, and I said, well, okay, how long do we go? And. And he said, ah. The guy said, we just go however long we went one. And I thought, well, that's refreshing. And I said, well, when do we start? We start after the music stops or something. And he said, no, we start whenever. And I thought, wow, this is sounding better every second. And then he said, we have to edit every single interview we do before it goes on the air. So we tape every interview, then we edit it, then we put it on the air. I said, every conversation, every speaking party or morning show? He said, yeah, program director's kind of uptight. I said, well, how long can it be? Well, program director says it can't be longer than a song. So you have basically fucking Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber. That's the amount of time you have to have a conversation with somebody, edit it, and then put it on the air. And I thought, jesus Christ, am I fucking glad I'm not working in terrestrial radio. So that's our plan. We love people like you, Brian. Yeah, well, I'll tell you one. One more point I'll make and I'll let you go. I went, you know, to the Caroline's website looking to get the tickets for your show. I saw the price point for the tickets, and they're not cheap, which made me happy, because, A, it means there's demand. A lot of fans here in New York, which is great, really. Never had A. Probably means Caroline's is stupid and out of touch, but go ahead. It'll keep the white trash out, too. Sure. Yeah. Now, how much are they charging? 65 bucks. 65 bucks? What are you fucking nuts? I'm not giving you a hand job. I'm just telling a few jokes. I'll take the jokes at them. I like the live shows that you've been on. I know it costs you a lot less to produce those, so you get to double dip. Thanks, Brian. I appreciate it. And, you know, I'm. That's what happens when you go to Addison. When you go. Where were we? Addison, Texas. And that's 25 bucks a ticket. That's what I figured. I guess Portland shows when you get to come east, you got the New York Jew prices. Sure. Well, look, if people pay 14 bucks for a sandwich and 6 bucks for a bottle of water, I guess they can pay 65 to hear my nasally drown. Hey, thanks, Brian. So here's the plan. Here's the plan. The plan is people like you listen. People like you come out to the live show. People like you purchased a book. People like you tell friends and co workers, hey, you want to dig on some cool vibe, you can listen to this or any other show that's in the galaxy of stars here at the Ace Broadcasting Network and you keep us running. And in return we give you a free show. You buy a book, we give you a free show. You buy a ticket to a show and occasionally go online and check out proflowers or whoever else might be sponsoring us. Thanks, Brian. Appreciate it. All right, we'll just go down the line here. Jonathan. Yeah, what's going on? Jonathan, good afternoon. What's happening? Get it on. Yeah, I was calling to, you know, remind you of one of your, one of your better rants. One of the ones that was my favorite when Joe McHale came on talking about trying to build his pool. Yeah. Started going on about J. Bolt and tie downs and caissons and just started yelling nothing, endlessly. Yeah, I was really out of my mind at that point. And you were very appropriate on doing such. It's pretty outrageous. I'm in Maryland. It's not that bad. My brother's an architect out in San Diego and he, you know, he puts his hand on the Adam Crow book, which we have on pre order, by the way. Thank you. And. Well, look, I mean, here's what I'm saying in a nutshell. I live in California. I live in a place where there's a bunch of fucking bureaucrats trying to squeeze money out of everyone who has money. And that's what we figured out. And we hide behind safety as a thinly veiled excuse for squeezing, nay raping the citizens of this fine state. And what do I mean when I say we hide behind safety? It's, it's pretty easy. I. We were driving home the other week from Chip Foose's place out in Long beach or wherever it is. I passed multiple CHP guys standing on the side of the road holding their fucking radar guns. For what? To see if someone was going 72 and a 65. To see if someone was going 63 and a 55. Meanwhile, I'm driving an all wheel drive Audi with speed sensitive steering and anti lock brakes. And tires are safe up to 210 miles an hour. It's not safety, dick. It's revenue. Call it what it is. You're trying to fucking rape everyone and make money. And when it comes to the Department of Building and Safety, it's more revenue and more raping. We live in earthquake country. Yeah, yeah, we live in earthquake country. I understand that. Would you like to go to the heart of earthquake country, which is Pasadena, California, with me, and take a tour of the beautiful Craftsman homes that were built in 1907? You cocks with no fucking J bolts and no sheer walls and no nothing. You know what held them to their fucking foundation, which, by the way, did not possess rebar gravity. They're still here. Why are they here? Why weren't they carried out to sea in the 30s? They're right in the middle of earthquake country. Perhaps you cunts are overstating this problem so that you can profit from it. And that's what we do. Here's what goes on. It's the biggest fucking racket in the world, and it takes place right here in Southern California. And this is why everybody with a fucking two brain cells to rub together or every business moves. You see, the people that own the homes like Joel McHale, they just go, fuck it. We'll use the gay neighbors pool. That's it. That's what happens to them. But the businesses like Nissan or whoever else, they go, you know what? We're getting the fuck out of here. They pick up and take their pool and move it and go build it somewhere else where they can use it. You see, Joel McHale wanted to dig a swimming pool in his backyard. And he knows I was a contractor. And he said, what's this gonna take? And I said, joel, you are in the hills. You ain't hanging off a hill. You ain't. You know, you're on a flat lot, but you're technically in the hills. And when you're in the hills, bend over, rub, shove a stick of margarine up your ass and be prepared for. For the raping that you're gonna get from the city. Well, after all the soils reports and compaction reports and liqui. Liquefaction reports and all the shit in the world, after about 50 grand worth of bullshit, you realize, oh, it's gonna be another 250 grand just to fucking dig a swimming pool. That would cost eight grand in Wyoming. And you just. Even Joel McHale ain't rich enough even. He said, fuck it. No pool. So what happens? What happens? Geniuses over in the Los Angeles Building and Safety department. They're so fucking worried about our safety and leaving an earthquake country, I had to fucking blow everyone down there in Van Nuys in Los Angeles to get fucking permits, put a garage in my house. Heard the fucking living in earthquake country 2000 times. My house is from the 1920s. It's in earthquake country. Nothing happens. It's fucking stucco. It's wood, by the way, I used to do earthquake rehab, you fucking pompous cocks. You don't think I understand how this, this works? It's nails, it's wood, it's laugh, it's stucco. All these houses were built. And if you want the ranch, you're going to get it with nothing. No sheer wall, no fucking HDs, no straps, no hold downs, no Simpson straps, no continuous straps, no fucking J bolts, no epoxy, nothing. Nothing. They were built with fucking nothing. Except for drunken fucking Irishmen. And they're still here. But why? How can they be here without all the fucking nailing schedules on the shear wall and all the fucking straps and all the hold downs. Why? Because you've overstated the fucking earthquake country bullshit to extract more money from us, you cocks. But again, you hide behind safety that's a refuge for the cowards. Safety. Oh, they're worried. What's that? Better safe than sorry. Yeah, yeah. Oh, we want you to slow down on the freeway because we don't want to cause accidents. Click it or ticket. Oh, you're not wearing a seatbelt. We're gonna charge you for that. You're talking on a cell phone. We're gonna charge you for that. Oh, you just rolled down. You rolled through a four way fucking stop sign in the middle of nowhere. 2am on a fucking Thursday. But we're worried about your safety. Really? You really worried about my safety? Are you worried about my fucking wallet? Jesus Christ, I had to fuck. I did some fucking steel in my garage. I'd have a fucking deputy inspector come out. And by the way, they call him a deputy inspector. What is he? He's a guy I pay for because the city won't even fucking provide him here in Los Angeles. He has to stare at the fucking guy welding for six hours and then go home. I have to fucking pay him. And then when I'm done with him, I get another guy with a fucking Magnaflux machine to measure every weld, make sure it's not broken. Why do I need both of them? Why? I'm paying, that's why. We need both of them. If the city's paying. We don't need both of them. But here's the deal. Joel McHale says, Fuck it, I'm not digging a pool. And Jay Leno, who told me a similar story said, fuck it, I'm not building a super garage at my house. And Nissan says fuck it, I'm moving to Maryland. Now wait a minute. No, that's you they went to. Yeah, that's you. I think at Nissan went to, let's see, fuck. Come up the name of that, that state. I think Nissan went to. Come up the went. BMW went there too, by the way. Mississippi. Yeah, they did. Yeah, I know. What's the fucking name? Where did Elvis, where'd he do all his recordings? That Mississippi, Tennessee. I think they went to Tennessee. But either way, maybe that's BMW anywhere but California and especially fucking la. So great job. Now you have your super inflated tax revenues from Who? Nissan? Joel McHale and his new pool. And what about the contractor? What about the guy who digs the pool? What about the guy who has the gunite rig? What about all the local businesses Joel McHale and or Jay Leno and or Nissan would support by being here and being in business? Now we got greedy and drove them the fuck out. And that's the way it works. And that's Los Angeles and especially California. And my friends to the left. Well, you know what their plan is? Let's raise the taxes a little bit more and see if we can't get Joel. And by the way, Joel's probably not in town right now. You know where Joel is right now? I'm sure Joel's in Canada or Prague shooting his next movie. Why go to Canada? Why go to Prague? Why go to. As I've said, why shoot Breaking Bad in New Mexico? It's supposed to be shot in Riverside, but the cocks got greedy. We can't understand this very simple concept. It's so fucking simple. You tax these guys, they leave. You ask for 20%, they'll stay here and give you 20%. You ask for 35%, they'll go to New Mexico or Canada or Prague and you'll get zero. Joel McHale will pay a vig for swimming pool, but you want a hundred grand worth of shit for a swimming pool and that's greedy. And now there's no swimming pool. And now you get 30% of nothing. It's simple. I don't understand we. Why we don't fucking understand this. And then I gotta have these ass white politicians up there going, it's time the rich start paying Their fair share. Nissan's a business. Joel McHale's a businessman. You telling them it's time for them to pay their fair share doesn't make them any kinder. It just makes them not dig a swimming pool and move to fucking Tennessee or Mississippi. We'll figure it out. Thanks, Jonathan. Thank you. Thank you, buddy. All right, I'm just rolling down the line here. See, Nissan is Pathfinder. Tennessee. Yeah. Yeah. Tennessee. Tennessee. Oh, and Mississippi. All right, well, we're both right. Everyone's right there are Nissan. Yeah. Why they'd love to be out here in Los Angeles. Think those poor guys want to work in Tennessee? You think all the executives want to go out to Mississippi and Tennessee now? They'd love to be here. They can't be here. Here. We've driven them out. Easy. All right. Hey, Andrew. Hi. What's going on? Not much. Get it on. Get it on, brother. I just wanted to ask about the time that you guys started up the Ace Broadcasting Network and started expanding on other shows. Kevin Smith and his Smodcast Network started sprouting up, and they started adding shows as well. And I was wondering what you guys thought of that. I never know. You know when people say, hey, this comedian's ripping off your joke, or, you know, I'd do some rant on my morning show, and then somebody would tell me two days later, hey, Bill Maher almost did your exact same rant on his show. And I would always, I never call anyone a thief. I think people get inspired by other people. I see people doing things, and I go, wow, that's cool, or, that's impressive. So I'll try it myself. It's really no different than writing a song or writing a joke or anything else. It's like, well, you listened to the Beatles when you were growing up, you liked the Beatles, and now you start your own band. Is that ripping off the Beatles or is it a tip of the cap to the Beatles? The real question is, can you do it better than the Beatles or as good as the Beatles? And do people want to come hear you sing? I want to hold your hand. So that's the question as far as podcasts go. Like, you know, people say all the time when we're doing interviews, they go, well, what advice would you have for people starting a podcast? Or what do you think about this proliferation of podcasts? Or how there's so many now? Or do you feel responsible for this trend? And I always just go, look, everyone's free to try. Just like everyone's free to try. To make it into the NBA or the NFL or Everyone's free to try to fuck Kim Basinger. I mean, you're free to try. Everyone is free to try. But are you good? What do you have? How's your vertical leap? What's your 40 time? How big's your dick? You know what I'm saying? I don't know if they have a good show or don't have a good show. I like Kevin, I like Ralph. I imagine they do a good show and there's room for everyone. So I never have any. Hey, that's our idea. You're ripping us off because all we're doing is ripping off the idea of a network. I grew up watching NBC and cbs, and that's all we're doing now on the computer. Yeah, I just thought it was kind of funny because on Ralph Garman and Kevin Smith's show Hollywood Babylon, he was talking about their new email address and saying that all of their fan mail go to 1 and then if you have any complaints, to send it to AdamCrolluckyou.com. oh, so I got a good laugh out of that. That's good. That's funny. That's funny. All right, we'll see if we get any of that email. Thanks. Andrew, you're calling from Seattle? Yep. Congratulations, buddy. I've been to your fair city. Congratulations. Great place. And listen, let me say this. Anybody here's my policy. I hear any bitch from Seattle complaining about the weather, I'm gonna come over there with a bunch of barbed wire freeway signs, gang bangers and potholes, and just fucking drop it off on their front lawn and go, you want this? Is this what you want? I didn't think so. Shut the fuck up and enjoy yourself. You're in Seattle. Thanks, Andrew. And kill that goddamn dog. All right, we'll take a quick break for some sponsor words. Now that sounds like shit. Let me try it again. We'll take a quick break. Well, we'll take a quick break and be right back. All right. All right, Carly Fuel Houser. Well, thank you for that. Now we're back. And again, it's you and me. It's one of the you and me shows. So let's hop to the tap and talk to someone who has a Huell Howser story. Vince, Hugh, Adam, can you hear me? What's going on, Vince? Nothing, I'm just chilling at school, giving you a little buzz. Thanks, buddy. What's happening? So this summer, Hugh Howser was doing, like, when the county fairs all over California, and it was A big rumor that he was coming to Amador County. Sure. I wrote in on his website on a relatively anonymous guy from, from Deep Cable who does a show where he makes 30 grand a year coming to a town like yours. It's time to brace yourself. The county's got one escalator, Adam. That kind of puts in perspective. Wow. And it's only going down. It's a bummer. Just keeps going down. Tell me about it. So I, I emailed Hughes website, like, oh, I just wanted to see if he will be coming, blah, blah, blah. Just, you know. Man, you sound like a strapping young lad. What? Could you send a picture over? Perhaps you could entice me to come to your lovely town. I'll get to that part, Adam. Oh yeah. They write me back and they say, Hugh would like to talk to you. Could you please give us your phone number? And I'm like, okay. So I gave the website, I emailed that website my phone number. An hour and a half later, my phone rings and I said, you know, hello, this is Vince. This is Hugh Howser. What the hell's going on? What are you wearing? Can I come see you right now? Right now? No, no, no, he didn't say that, but he. Because he was trying to keep it a secret, he said that he didn't want the word to get out that he was coming to the county fair because he didn't want to cause a big ruckus. He said, sure. And I said, well, Hugh, I'd just really like to meet you and see what you do live in person to really get the full impression. And he said, I'll tell you what, I'll give you a call next week. I'll let you know what day we're going to be coming, blah, blah, blah. So the following week, it's about 8:30 at night, I get a call from a block number. I don't know who it is. So I answer it like, talk to me. And he says, talk to you? This is Hugh Howser. What's going on, Vince? And he's talking to me, blah, blah, blah. Invites me out, meet up with him, spend the day with him and watch him shoot and just, you know, do all the, the typical novel Heel Howser shit he does. Sure. In the end, we tried to convince him to come to the Miss Amlor county pageant. Like the beauty pageant. Oh, you mean that cootie barrel? I'm not going there. They got boobies and vaginas and. No, no, no, Vince, you're quiet enough for me. We Said he'll come on. There's a. You know, there's an evening down and bathing. He's like, no, no bathing suit. I'm gonna bring a barfat bag. That's disgusting. We figured it was either gonna be that or he wouldn't be able to contain himself. Like when people walking out there, look at those brats. Those are just amazing. Now, that's the one thing he doesn't appreciate. He'll stare at fucking flatbread or tortillas for 10 hours straight, but boobies. Not a fan, I'm guessing. Yeah. Thanks, Vince. What are you doing. What are you doing over there in Sacramento? I'm going to college. Journalism major. I actually host my own radio show here at Sac State. All right. Trying to get in and do something to what you've been doing. I've been listening to you since I was a little kid. Thanks so much, Vince. No problem. Take it easy. Appreciate you, brother. All right. Somebody wants to hear about my workout routine. Hey, Dan. Yeah. How'd you. What's going on, Dan? Not much, man. Hey, so I'm 34. I'm a former college wrestler, and I got two kids, man, and it's really cramping my style. I was wondering if you had some good tips or thoughts on workout routines that you can do in your house. Right. So I obviously was, you know, lifting weights and all that shit, but sure, I got jump ropes, I got dumbbells. I got that shit. What do you. What do you suggest? Well, here's my take. When it comes to working out and you get older and you get kids and you get jobs and you get all that kind of shit. And plus, you don't give a fuck what you look like anyway, because you're married. But here's the thing. The gym membership, to me, was never really good plan because it wasn't the time you spent at the gym. It was like, all right, you spend 45 minutes, an hour working out at the gym. But it was the whole part where you had to get in your car and pack up your gym bag and bring your towel and bring a change of this and that, and then the drive home and all that, it ended up being, you know, it's a couple hours, and it's something that's pretty hard to do for most people on a daily basis. So my feeling was, whatever you do, it's the kind of thing where if you had to work out, if, you know, C. Everett Koop or whoever the Surgeon general is now, if he said you need to work out three times a year, then I would say get a gym membership and go three times a year. But if you're supposed to do 20 minutes, a half hour, every fucking day, then it better be easy and it better be part of your routine. And for me personally, skipping rope is just the easiest, lightest. I mean, first off, you could throw a rope in your suitcase or your car, whatever. You can do it almost anywhere. You just need a patch of hardwood floor. Problem is, if you really get that thing going and one of your kids walks up behind you, you will kill him with that rope. You cut his fucking head off. It's awesome. But personally, first thing you have to do, Dan, is you have to go, listen, I'm not competing anymore. Like, I don't have to wrestle. I'm not going into the octagon. I don't need. At this point, I need to not get fat. That's what I need to do. I don't need a big vein in my arm or any of that. I need to not get fat. So first thing you need to do is go, what do I want out of this workout? And what you want after you're married, after you have some kids, after you get on a schedule and you have a job and responsibilities and all that kind of shit is you don't need to walk around looking like Brock Lesnar. You need to walk around not looking fat. And you need to keep your heart healthy, essentially. You need to raise your pulse, keep those valves flowing, not get a bunch of plaque on your arteries and not keel over for the sake of your kids at 47 with a massive coronary. So what do you want? All right. For me, I go hard with a jump rope for 20, 25 minutes a night. I don't get fat. I don't get a vein in my arm. That's it. I ain't trying out for the Olympic team. And what I do, because I have my hyper vigilance problem and I get bored really easily is I put the earbuds in and I put my little mini. You know, my little ipod, whatever, little mini one that just clips onto my shorts, and I just load it up with. With 50 of my favorite rock songs, put the thing on scramble, and I even turn on the TV set and just turn the sound down. And I do it every night. I always do it about the same time, and it's a total schedule thing. And daddy's going to go skip his rope, and I just. It doesn't take more than 20, 22, 23 minutes, but I go at it Pretty hard for that time. And I work on my rhythm. I try to mix it up. I do little things. And I don't know if you do this, Dan, and I don't know if other people are doing this, but I do little things, which is kind of interesting. And I would suggest it to you guys, whatever you're doing in your workout. When I get to the end of my rope skipping session, I will say, okay, I must now complete 10 crossovers with my rope. Right hand, left hand, that whoosh, whoosh move you do with it there and back is one. I must complete 10 successfully before I stop. Now, it's not that tall an order, but you're a little bit tired and you've worked up a sweat at that point. And at some point, inevitably, when I'm going for number eight or number nine, I will kick the rope, and then I say start again. And I will be forced to focus and sort of gut it out a little bit until I can complete 10 of these there and back each time. So I make little games for myself that kind of add a little something to it. I'll do things like this. And I know this sounds gay, but please, I'm being candid here. Well, I am a wrestler. All right, so you're cool. You know the unitard. I will listen to a song in my earbuds, and I'll just be listening to some Pretender song or some boss tone song or something like that, and I'll be skipping along to the rhythm them and doing little moves along to the song and to the rhythm. And I'll play a little game to my with myself, which is, I have 85 songs loaded up in this little thing. If somebody didn't hear the song or just saw me skipping rope, could they find the song I was skipping to? Do you know what I mean? If they just saw me and I gave them a playlist of the songs, and I would play them the song, and they'd have to try to match it up to the visual of me skipping around. Could I do enough with the kicks and the moves and the hops and the swooshes? Could I do enough so that they would be sure that they could sync it up? Just little games like that. Keeps you interested. You work. Are you good? You're good on the jump rope because you're a wrestler? Yeah, I saw you in the Hammer, and I'm not as good as you, but, yeah, I'm good enough. Keeps you interested. It's not backbreaking, and it's fine. I think I. Also, there's other little things, and I don't know if you've gotten into this, Dan, but there are things that involve balance. Like there are those boards that go on that cylinder where you kind of rock back and forth. Yeah, I've seen those, but I've never, never fucked around with them. It's easy and it kind of loosens you up. And again, it gets your attention. It's not you just on the floor of your prison stall doing push ups or doing chin ups on the mysterious pipe that seems to go above every. Every prison, every cell. In every good movie, whether it's Robert De Niro or Nick Cage and Con Air, somehow there's a fire sprinkler with a pipe above it. I don't think there is that pipe in real life, by the way. People would hang themselves on it. But in every good prison movie, they're always doing chin ups on that pipe. But that fucking sucks. And I'm saying you get something that, like a balance board or one of those things like I was just talking about, and it sort of holds your attention. And then what I end up doing, and believe me, this is how I'm gonna fucking die, is I do the balance board and I go back and forth on it and I go, okay, that's cool. Now let's see if you can squat down and do it. Now let's see if you can hold 20 pound dumbbells and do it. And I even do this move and I don't even fucking know how it's possible, but I do it. I can stand on that balance board. It has a. Has about a 12 inch cylinder. It's about 4 or 5 inches around in the middle of it. And then the thing's just shaped like a skateboard. I can stand on that facing one way, find my balance, get the ball in the center and face forward, jump up, get both feet off of it, spin around and do a 180 and land on it without fucking up. Wow. Yeah. Although one of these times I will fuck up and that's when I'll go sailing out the fucking window, my workout room, and plunge to my death. But for me, Dan, it's about mixing it up, finding kind of getting. It's about a routine, but making yourself happy. Put the earbuds in, get the music you want, put on the TV show you like, get that balance thing, invent games, you know. It's like a fucking marriage, all right? You gotta fuck the Same broad for 50 years. Now let's see if we can mix it up a little bit. You need to find your equivalent to the back door. Dan, in the workout room. Thank you, buddy. All right, somebody's got a sitcom idea. Someone wants to know how I'm feeling about the flashing yellow light, the streetlights. I love that advice on a car to lease. Steve's been on hold the longest. Let's talk to him for a second. Steve, what's going on? Steve? Get it on. Get it on, my brother. Thank you for listening. What's happening? Nothing. I just had a question about cars. I think about five or six months away from getting a new car and kind of torn between the new Dodge Challenger and the Cadillac cts. That's a lot of car. I mean, I think the CTS looks edgier, looks cooler, but you can get the V8 and the Dodge Challenger for cheaper. Yeah, I mean, look, obviously if you want to drive a Cadillac versus a Dodge, it's going to cost more. Just like it costed more in the 50s to drive. Drive a Cadillac. I like the look of the new cts and I like that kind of aggressive angular look. And I've not historically been a big Cadillac fan and I liked a lot of their stuff from the. More the early 90s and then they went with some sort of more aggressive angular look in the later 90s and then into the early 2000s and I feel like they lost their way, but I think they're back. I like that new cts. And now we talk about the one with the blower on it, or are we just talking about the standard coupe? Talking about standard coupe, yeah. How many, what's that have? 300 and change in the horsepower department. Yeah. 304. 304. I like the look of that car quite a bit better and quite a bit more over the Dodge. So. So I would say if you're going to get American and you want a V8 and that's the direction and you can't afford it, then I would go now. Do you lease? Do you do that for your business? I would lease. I would lease. You would lease. The other advice I give to everyone and it flies in the face of leasing a little bit here is, as I say all the time, these cars are built now and they're built, they don't fall apart anymore because everything's made out of some sort of alloy that doesn't rust or some sort of. Of plastic or carbon fiber composite or what have you cars. You don't have to pop open the transmission and change the fluid for 100,000 miles, everything's synthetic, everything's insane. Now, half these cars, you don't have to tune them until they get to like the 100,000 mile mark. So with that in mind, buying a used, meaning a car that's two years old. And I know the Caddy's going to. That's a new model, so it's going to be tough. But if you like a car and that car is two years old, it will have depreciated so much that you're going to get a deal on it versus driving a new car off the lot. Now, again, you're leasing, so maybe that doesn't apply to you. But I would also encourage anyone who's looking to get a new car, don't look for a new car. As far as A. It's 2011. Look for a new car for you. There's some of these cars out there with 28,000 miles on it, 24,031, that are essentially new. Some fucking non smoker drove that car easy. And now you're getting a $65,000 car for 39k as opposed to buying a new car for 50k, driving it off the lot and a year later having it worth 31. That's all I'm saying. Thank you and mahalo. All right, let's see. Somebody has to complain. Yeah, someone's got a sitcom idea. Let's talk. D. Adam, what's going on? D Holy shit, it's Adam fucking Corolla. Holy goddamn good hell. It's D from Idaho. So, Adam, here's. Here's my idea, Right. I know you've been kind of, you know, kind of, you know, getting kicked in the balls with these fucking sitcoms and shit. Yeah. But, you know, get away from, like, doing like a sitcom or, you know, things like that. Do like a reality show. Because everybody's picking up these reality shows, you know, it's kind of pissing me off. I kind of don't want you to go that direction, but if you want to get on, you know, tv and that's ultimately your. Your goal, you know, So I mean, like, do like some. What's it called, like, video. Take your podcast or. Yeah, you want to do a reality show around the podcast. Yeah. Reality. Been discussed? D. It has been discussed. Yeah. And it may or may not happen. And as it stands, I'm currently going to be working on a animated show, or at least that's the next plan for me. So do not worry. Yes. Thank you. I don't even try. All right, I will write that down. D But yeah, you know, the plan for me and people, people should know this, and I hope you do. If you know me, my plan is, was never to be on tv. That isn't my plan. That's not my ultimate goal. My ultimate goal is to communicate ideas in an unfettered way. It really has nothing to do with whether I'm seen or not. As a matter of fact, I don't like being seen because being seen means you have to put on makeup and you have to shave and you can't do it in your fucking sweatpants and flip flops like we do it over here. I like the idea. I would like to insert my ideas into your head. But you don't need to see me for that. You don't need to be in the same room with me for that. And if there was a way to do it other than talking into a microphone and you guys listening through a speaker, I'd do it that way. I mean, if I could do it through telepathy and I could just stay home and close my eyes and insert my ideas into all your heads, I would happily do it that way. So, no, TV is not the end all and be all for me. Just a way to make some money. All right, let's talk to Mick. Mick. Hey, Ace, man, what's going on? Mick, man. Oh, man, it's an honor to talk to you. I've got. I got like a million things I want to talk to you about, but I'm trying to restrain myself. Just one. Calling from Portland. Yeah, dug that. Portland. Oh, man, there's nothing not to dig. Yeah, except for the half homeless people there. Well, we do have quite a homeless person. They're homeless except for they're like. There's a guy comes up to me, he's like fairly well shaved, he's wearing like an eye, he's shaving his hair. Sort of. He's sort of, well, kempty, comes to me wearing an Izod shirt. He's like, hey, man, you got any money? And I'm like, you look like you're on your lunch break from work. He's like, yeah. Oh. And he goes, hey, it's Adam. By the way, if you're homeless, you should know who I am. Yeah, you're watching way too much fucking TV or you have a personal MP3 player, whatever it is. But he's like, hey. And then it just sort of looked like he seemed like part time homeless guy or hobby homeless guy. Like our homeless guys smell of urine. Their beards are down to their Fucking chest. There's a raccoon fucking their left ear like they're fucking homeless. Yeah, here's the point. You would rather fucking jump. You would rather go headfirst into a porta Potty than hug one of our homeless people? You're fucking homeless people. I'd hug it out with these guys. Well, there's a fine line here between a homeless person and a dirty hippie. Right. And Portland is full of both. Right. But did the dirty hippies want money? Oh, oh, yeah. Well, they gotta get their cappuccino or whatever. Yeah, yeah, I know. You got a homeless guy spending four bucks on a cup of coffee. Yeah, we. You know, we were at McDonald's once out here, and there's a homeless person that's always in front of this McDonald's. And my daughter, one had like, 50 cents in her little purse, and she wanted to give it to this person. Yeah. And so I thought, well, okay, I guess. I guess I need to show them that it's good to help people. So we let her give her the 50 cents. And a couple days later, we drive by and she's on a cell phone, and she's still there to this day. Every day I go to the McDonald's, she's there, and I just know. Talking. You bitch. You stole 50 cents from my daughter. And you got your cell phone. Yeah, talking to. Talking to. Ian probably walked by. He's talking to her agent, Marty. All right, what's the NASDAQ doing? Yeah. What's the Nikkei average? Yeah. Okay. When it gives. Listen, when Blue star gets above 45 a share, start selling. Yeah, we'll gut it like a pig. Yeah, yeah, I know. And I gotta say, it's insane. Like, I was driving through. I went to a nice restaurant with my wife in Beverly Hills, stopped at a. Stopped at it. There's this weird new homeless, which is. I just don't wanna work, and I don't feel like doing anything, but you can support me. And here we have the People's Republic of Santa Monica, which has become essentially a. As I've said all the time, Santa Monica, tough on taxpayers, easy on hobos, so come on down. It's become a sanctuary state. And of course, they've all fucking fled there. And I don't know what's progressive about saying, hey, super filthy guy who urinates on my shrub, drags his fucking dog around without getting any shots or anything by clothesline and throws every rapper from every fucking fast food joint he eats from, throws the fucking paper right on the Ground and then shits in the dirt and is a menace to our society. I don't know what's so fucking progressive by saying we can't get these guys off the street. So basically, the people who pay for the street, the people who pave the street, the people who keep the street lights on, the people who run the businesses have to fucking dodge these guys on the way to their business because somehow it's un American to fucking sweep these guys up and get them out of there. Bullshit. Yeah. The curse of California and Portland is our weather. And California is much better than Portland, obviously. But there's probably not a whole lot of homeless people in Nebraska, right? You know, it's like, I gotta sleep outside. So of course you're gonna go to the one place where it's 80 degrees. No, 365. You'll all end up in Santa Monica. Never rains. It never gets below 60 degrees. It never gets above 85. And they have plenty of parks for you to shit in. Well, maybe. Maybe we hire somebody to go around and hose them off. No. As if it's raining. Make it unpleasant for some way. The fucking hubris, too. Like, I didn't mind back in the day where the guy said. And I've gave. I've given away at least ten grand to people who said, I'll clean your. I'll clean your windshield with the fucking sports page. Like, here's a buck, and I'm gonna do something. Not here's a buck. So I was in a nice part of, like, Beverly Hills. I was going to a nice restaurant with my wife about five years ago. Some homeless guy, like, tapped on my window when I was, like, at a stop sign. But this guy was again, he was like, the nouveau riche homeless guy. And I was like, what's up? And he was like, hey, man, Adam Carolla. Like, I thought the guy wanted to pitch me a sitcom. And he said, hey, man, you got any. Can you spare any change? You know? And I was like, yeah, fucking homeless. All right. So I reach into my wallet and I gave the guy $5. And he was like, $5? That's it. And he said. He said, like, hey, man, you're Adam Caroll again. If you're homeless, you shouldn't know who I am. But hey, man, you're Adam Carolly. You can afford more than that. And this is why. This is. This. This is what made my wife want to eat through the floorboards and then crawl out through the exhaust pipe. I said, are you fucking right? I could afford more than That I said I could. I could give you a fucking million dollars. I'm not gonna do it. You don't do anything. Get a fucking job. And as a matter of fact, you're so fucking lucky you just keistered that $5. Cause I won it back, you ass wipe. Jesus Christ. Well, I call. The reason I call, like I said, I got a million things. I'm going to save them. I'm going to get this one out and then I'm going to just make it my mission to continue calling in every time you're taking calls. I'll spread it out over multiple shows for you. Thank you, Mick. So we. I'm well versed on your, your feelings towards the red arrow. Sure. I think everyone's well versed on that. What we've got in Portland now that they've just put in my neighborhood over the last few months, everywhere is this yellow flashing arrow. I'm not sure if they've got them in California. If you're familiar with this new thing. Well, that just means slow down and then turn left. Well, what it does is so the, so there's the left turn lane. You get in that, everybody's red. When the straight lights turn green, Right. My light turns to a flashing yellow. And so it just. Yeah, it means caution. If there's nobody oncoming, you can go left. And the benefit of this is I get to turn left anyways. But if there's heavy traffic and I can't find an opening, if you've sat there for a minute, it'll eventually turn, turn solid green. Right. And then that holds up traffic and I get to go. So it seems like the best of both worlds to me, but I wasn't sure how you felt. Well, here's the thing. Obviously you've worked and I say you've. I mean, Portland has put some thought into this. LA has a huge traffic problem. I don't know. I know I fucking burst a vessel in my ball sack when someone gets me going on this topic, but I cannot. For the life of me, I'm confused. Maybe somebody has an answer, but I am confused. La, the number one problem that LA has is its traffic. It's horrific. It's just horrific. And the city and small businesses and large businesses and everyone else, we lose millions, maybe billions over the course of years because people aren't being productive. They're not in their offices. We add to air pollution, we're all fucking gridlock. Everyone's just out sitting on the road waiting for a fucking vulture to land on the hood of their Lexus and fucking kill us. That's all. Yet we make no effort to alleviate this. We just don't. I've told you, I had a cop pull over a guy, right on a busy thoroughfare that was going right through the heart of the city that's always crowded at 5:00. And he clogged up a whole lane and he bottlenecked everyone and he fucking got out of his car and we went from barely moving to moving backward. And when the next day when eight cops came up to me at a diner and said, can we get a picture? And I said, by the way, what is your policy about pulling people over during traffic, the height of traffic and clogging up a lane? Why not pull into a driveway? Why not pull up a side street? 50ft in front of you was a side street, 10ft in front of you was a driveway. Like for a bank or something. Why not pull into that? Safer for the cop doesn't call. I said, what is your policy? And he said, we don't really have one. And I thought, you motherfuckers have a policy for everything. You don't have one for this one. You know why you don't have one for this one? You can't get money from it. No policies involving having citizens move along in a timely fashion. No, there's no policies there. No. What's in it for them? What's in it for them? That's exactly the point. Now we have enough technology in Los Angeles that we can mount cameras in every fucking other intersection with a high speed strobe light and a timing system. We'll get a shot of your front plate, your back plate. We'll see your botched circumcision. We'll see the fucking fact that you could use a filling in your right front tooth. And we'll see your face and everything we have that kind of technology you can get on La Brea, speed down La Brea, cross over Santa Monica, get there a hummingbird, hummingbird's heartbeat. Too late, and you'll have a bunch of strobes go off in front of you. And then four days later, there'll be a ticket waiting for you when you come home from work after a long day of paying taxes. There'll be a ticket with your picture from five different angles and something that says, hey, pay $326, I got one of those bad boys. That is the technology we have, okay? But here's the technology we don't have. When I used to leave Loveline Studios In Culver City. Every fucking night at midnight, weeknights, Sunday night. Sunday night, 12, 10 in the evening, I would sit on Culver Boulevard or Venice Boulevard with nothing, seeing the earth curve in front of me, the fucking horizon, nary a headlight, Nobody. It's Sunday night, it's after midnight, it's in Culver City, which back then was a fucking ghost town, and I'm sitting on a huge straight highway with nothing. With a red arrow. With a green light and a red arrow. Now, I understand the arrow, but technologically, how about the timer? How about after. How about on. On Sunday night, after 10pm it goes away? How about it's only there during traffic hours? How about it turns green to alleviate traffic and then does the flashing yellow when it's not green to let people know, hey, when it's safe, you can turn left just like in every other intersection when the signals green. Well, why don't we have that technology? Why do we have the technology for the fucking strobe light on La Brea but we don't have the technology that turns the timer off? Basically the same technology I use to fucking turn my Christmas tree lights off in 1972. Okay, why don't we have that timer and that technology for the arrow? Well, what's the simple answer, Mick? We all know what the answer is. What's in it for them? What's in it for them? So don't fucking tell me you're interested. Don't tell me you're interested in alleviating traffic via retardo. And how dare you take those fucking pictures where you stand next to a fucking shovel in a suit and pretend to fill in a fucking pothole with a chrome hard hat on, you fucking Hippocratic hypocrite. Liar. Don't tell me you're interested. You're not interested. You're interested in removing. You're interested in separating people from their money. Now, as far as the traffic goes, well, if that would alleviate itself, if the problem would alleviate itself, well, that'd be awesome, but it won't. You're not gonna spend a fucking cent on it or a second on it. And it's very simple. It's very simple. We used to leave Loveline, and by the way, after I sat. Now, what I did, did. And this is why I fucking want everyone to join me in this. And I know, I know you think I'm using hyperbole or I'm being insincere or this is one of those. Oh, come on, Ace, man, give me a break. Come on. I mean every fucking word that is about to pass my lips. People say it's illegal. Why drive through those arrows? Well, by the way, I started driving through the arrows because of the Culver City problem. And I realize the likelihood of me getting rolled by gang banger, carjacked by a gang banger, hit by a drunk driver is much. Is much higher than me crashing into an innocent person while turning left when there's no cars on the road and there's no headlights coming my way. I decided to sort of take the law into my own hands. And people go, well, what makes you better? Well, I don't know. What made Rosa Parks better? Better? We had a rule, bitch. You gotta take a stand. No Negroes. No Negroes sitting in the front of the bus. But you went and did it. Well, we had a law, but you broke the law. Good. You're a hero. You're a pioneer. What I want out of everyone who's listening to me as I want you to drive through those fucking arrows. You can do it. It's safe, easy, and effective. And you will feel like they're not stealing your life. And here's the deal. Look in your rear view. If you don't see a cop, drive through the fucking arrow. Very easy. I've done it times a thousand. I do all the rights. Here's the deal. I live on a hill. At the bottom of the hill, there's a sign that says, no right turn on red. I drive through that. I turn right when it's safe to turn right. Why? Why? I'll tell you why. Because there's no cop behind me. And even if there was a cop going the other direction on the street, I'm not supposed to turn right on. On the red. Do you think he sees that sign? No. It ain't facing his direction. If you turn left in front of a cop who's even coming your direction and it's safe, he doesn't know. He just thinks you turned left. That's the point. That's why I have never gotten a ticket. And I've been yelling about this. Has it been 10 years? It's been at least eight years. I've been fucking screaming about this. I do it every day, times five. I used to only have to do it a couple times a week, but because the arrows keep popping up, I now do it more and more every day. I do it every day. I've never been in an accident. I've never gotten a ticket. And fuck you, LAPD. It's been over 10 years. It's good. 12 years at least, because I was back. I was in high school when you were talking about never stop. I never stop, and I've never gotten a fucking ticket. And you want to know what? If I get a ticket this afternoon for doing it, it is worth it. You're the Rosa Parks of red turn arrows. I'm not saying I'm better than Rosa Parks, but that's open for debate. If other people want to say that, that's. Well, you know, some people think that, you know, Eric Dickerson was as fine a running back is Jim Brown. And, you know, there's. There's some merit to that discussion. Now, we do. We do have a. A street problem here that is on par with the turn arrow that I don't know if you guys have down there. And this is more of a situation of being an intelligent guy. In the land of tards, you know, you're punished for the lowest common denominator. Sure. Of course, we. We have in Portland the metered on ramp. So every. Every time you want to get on the highway, and there's. And Portland is literally bisected by, you know, two major highways. When you want to get anywhere, you get on a highway. Every on ramp, you form a line, and there's a red. There's a light on each side so that you go one at a time, right? Because supposedly I'm not from here, but supposedly. Because Oregonians can't merge. Like, literally. That's the only reason they exist. It drives me nuts that we get punished, that the intelligent people get punished by the retards out there. And it makes me realize, last night I like to torture myself because I turn on the satellite TV and I put it on the 80s channel. What the hell is that noise? You farting into the phone? No. Oh, I got a fan here. Sorry. I put on the 80s satellite channel, and it was really like. It's like somebody's fucking with me, like someone's in the next room. Like, first I hear the fucking Men Without Hats singing about the Safety Dance. Then I hear Joan Jett singing about I love rock and roll. And then I hear Pink Houses by John Cougar Mellenfuck. And I say to my wife, what. What the fuck? Why can't we hear some good music? And then I realize, okay, this is dumb people. This is what dumb people like. Dumb people like repetition. But then I said to my wife, and I want you to all dig this concept, I said, it's harder for smart people to listen to what dumb people pick out than it is for dumb people to listen to what smart people pick out. I am much more disturbed by your fucking Men without Hats and your I love rock and roll fucking bulldike jokes jets, fucking horrible never ending rock anthem that's fucking carved into my skull with a butcher knife. Super repetitive nursery rhyme bullshit song. I'm much more disturbed at that than you dumbos would be disturbed by my John Hyatt. So shouldn't we let me play John Hyatt. And as a matter of fact, you jack fucks would like John Hyatt, whereas I will never ever like Man Eater. You see, I will become more and more agitated at your little pink houses and your. Your man eaters and your men without hats. Whereas you will want to hear my Bring the Family album more and more. That's the difference. It goes so far beyond it's everything in life. Of course, the commercials that we watch are for the dumb people. Everything is for the dumb people. We have to sit through it each time these political. Now we're in, you know, political season, election season. Now I gotta watch all these ridiculous political. Of course it's all geared for dumb people. And we're just visitors from an alien planet called average intelligence right out there in the Milky way. Thanks, Mick. I do appreciate it. And I appreciate all of you who call but do not hang up because we will do a special speed round of what Can't Adam complain about for a little Stitcher Extra content. See, Sean wants me to rant about old people who eat alone. Wow. And Jackie wants me to rant about the horn instrument players. Wow. It's gonna be tough. Let's find out if I can do it. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla saying mahalo. And now Stitcher Radio presents your Adam Carolla Extra. Alright, time for your extra content brought to you by our good friends over at Stitcher. We'll do what Can't Adam complain about. Let me shoot down to line four, speak to Sean. Sean. Yo, Adam. What's going on, my brother? Not much. Got something for me to complain about old people to eat alone. It depresses the fuck out of me because it's not like, well, they got divorced two months ago or their partner's over at work, their partner's in the grave. You're essentially letting me know that your partner's dead. I mean, when you see a 81 year old woman sitting at the farmer's market eating alone, it's not like, well, her 86 year old husband is hard at work at the law firm he established in 1949 or the architectural firm he started six years ago. He's in the ground. He's dead. So I don't even see a blt. I just see a dead person there, as a matter of fact. Look, I don't know if it's your thing or not, Sean, but all the husbands. See, here's the deal. Men die seven years earlier than women. And then we marry women that are 5 years, 10 years, 15 years younger than us. So do the math. You marry a chick who's 15 years younger than you or 10 years younger than you, and you die seven, eight years before she does, she's gonna have some time on her hands. That's a lot of solo meals at the farmer's market. Lot of lonely evenings as well. Shit. And you could swing by there and it's easy pickings. If you don't mind them, you might. You know, if you don't mind a saddle that's already been broken in, then you head over to the farmer's market, my friend. I know it turned into more advice than rants, but. Yeah, Old people eating alone bums me out. Not as bad as old people who work at the McDonald's. Listen, I know McDonald's thinks it's doing these guys a good turn by having Grandpa work the counter. That bums the shit out of me. All I want to do, every single time I go into one of those places, I see the 74 year old guy going, help you. And I'm like, what happened? Tell me what happened, please. I want to slide a pen and a napkin across the counter and go, look, listen, old timer, I'm not here to order anything. I don't want McNuggets. I don't want a Big Mac. What I do want is two minutes of your time and I'll give you 20 bucks. What happened? Booze, pills, messy divorce, blew off a couple college classes. Please tell me how you got here. You're 76 years old, you're making minimum wage. How did this happen? How can I avoid this? And more importantly, how can my kids avoid this? All right, one more somebody's questions. Has a question about playing the horn. Derek, yeah, calling from Biloxi, Mississippi. Yeah, what's up, Ace? Man, get it on. What's going on? Yeah, I'm actually on job number one today. I just ran past my boss who's putting shit up and I'm washing dishes. Oh, I was gonna do what can I complain about? But you want to know what cities I've Never been to, but want to visit. Is that your question? All we have here is Sanger theaters and stuff. And the closest you've done is Atlanta and Dallas and Austin. Yeah, I don't know if you've done Austin. I got one answer for you. Plentywood, Montana. That's the only place I want to go. There's a place called Plenty Wood, Montana. I just fucking love that name. Plenty Wood sounds like a boner and a kayak and a house and a deck. It's just Plenty Wood, Montana. Would you be. Wouldn't it be cool to come from Plentywood? I mean, I come from North Hollywood. It's like not quite Hollywood, but it's north of Hollywood. It's Plentywood, Montana. That's where I want to go. All right, now quickly, Jackie. Hey, Adam. I'm your biggest fan. You have no idea. I've been listening to you for at least eight years now. Thank you, Jackie. Thanks for finding us on the computer. Oh, my pleasure. I have two things actually. One run by you. The first one is I don't think you can complain about horn players. You're always saying how much you love them. They play the best music. I don't know what you got to say. I have two words for you. Yeah. Spit valve. Horn player plays the horn. My dad would play his trumpet and he'd be over Dr. Gold's house when I was a kid. And the only enjoyment I ever saw my dad, the only time I ever saw my dad smile or really enjoy anything is about once a year, maybe twice a year. Dr. Gold, his one semi successful friend who had a house up in the hills, would invite over a couple of guys and Dr. I think Dr. Gold played the drums and my dad would play the horn and some guy would bring a stand up bass and some other guy would jump on the piano and they would jam a little bit while Dr. Gold's mom, or I should say wife, made lasagna. And it was really the best only time I ever saw my dad happy. And my dad would be standing there in Dr. Gold's nice home up in the hills of Los Angeles with the wall to wall carpet and the beautiful appointments. And he'd be standing there blowing his horn. He'd play a little solo and about an hour into it, he would take his spit valve, flip it open, blow into the thing in the middle of them, you know, jamming the tangerine and a big old lake of spit would just go right onto Dr. Gold's floor and right into the carpet padding. And then they Would continue. And I thought, you know, I understand there's certain things in life that fill up with fluid. You should have to empty them, like their little trays and things like that for condensation, for air conditioning units and stuff like that. You have to empty them. They don't empty onto your living room floor. So I'm just saying the spit valve should be a spit tray that you take somewhere and dump, not just blow onto Dr. Gold's floor. Love myself some horns. Love the horn instrument. Love the tower of power and the old Chicago and all that good stuff. But the spit valve has caused a love hate rift with me in the horn. I wanted to know if I could mention one more thing. I actually happen to be a big fan of Bob Marley. I don't want to sound like a music snob, but you're always saying how he's just like a hack and he repeats the same thing over and over again. By that, shouldn't we be listening to just classical music if all the music we should be listening to should be just be like the most complex stuff we can hear? Well, yes, it answers, yes, I love fucking classical music. It is complex. It is awesome. And people. It is shunned by dumb people and it's stupid. We should be playing classical music. It makes you smarter. Bob Marley. Nothing against the man. Personally. Hate that fucking song. Jamming. Can't fuck that example. He's jamming. In the name of the Lord, he's jamming. I hope you like jamming too. I hate that fucking song. My only problem with most reggae is I love the beat, but the repetitive. I need. I need One reggae mix DVD that says the best of reggae that has 12 songs on it. I'm done with my reggae, my reggae selection. I'm hard on reggae. Unreasonably hard. It's not nearly as annoying as the aforementioned. You know, know Joan Jett put another dime in the jukebox, baby, or any of that bullshit. And Jackie, I like you, so I'm not gonna argue with you. And people want to know, well, why John Cougar Mellon? Why are you hassling? My point is this. If you like that kind of music, listen to John Hyatt. What's your problem with Subway? No problem with Subway. If you want a sub sandwich, go to a good sub sandwich place. And for another 20 cents, you can get a good sub sandwich. If you want good music from the heartland, then you listen to John Hyatt. And you don't go to the Subway of music, which is John Cougar Mellencamp. Thank you. That was your Adam Carolla Extra on Stitcher Radio. And now Stitcher Radio presents your Adam Carolla Extra. All right, let's take a few more questions for our Stitcher Extra content, and let's hop on to line three. Debbie. Yeah. What's going on, my dear? How are you doing? Well, sweetie, I can't believe I'm talking to you. I can't believe I'm talking to Debbie from Nevada. When are you coming to Nevada? You were. Your website that you were gonna be in Reno and then it was off. We're coming to Vegas. Yeah. Eight hours. Wow. Wow. Yeah. That is out. That is. That is a way. But listen, and not seeing me is a small price to pay for living in Nevada and being eight hours away from Vegas. That's true. You gotta look at it that way. That's true. What's going on, baby Dog? Well, I wanted to ask you. This is a really mundane question, but the issue of people leaving the bag of dog poop on the trail. Yes, I have a half answer for that. Oh, you do? Yeah. People bag up the dog shit, and then they don't want to tote around. We're going to be at the House of Blues Dec. 4 in Vegas, by the way, if you want to make the pilgrimage. They don't want to tote around the sack of shit. So they set it on the trail with every intention to pick it up on their way back. But at some point, they get brutally gang raped and murdered. And I then walk by the bags of shit that are covered with dust and dirt and evidently starting to decompose and have been there for many weeks and months. So. But I think the plan is bag the shit, tag the shit, put it on the side of the trail, and then pick it up. Now, here's what I do. I. When my dog takes a dump on a trail, I literally just. I'll grab a leaf or baggie or something, I'll pick it up, and I'll chuck it, like, into the woods. Why the fuck not? Deers are shitting in there. Bears are shitting in there. The Pope shitting in there. Wait a minute. I may have screwed that up. The point is, just get it off the trail. You don't have to bag it. And why should it go into a landfill anyway? Let's let it go on to the land. Yeah, I agree. I covered. You know, throw some dirt over. Yeah, I kick some dirt over it. Sort of like. Like I'm at home plate, you know, I do that little move or I'm like kind of shuffling it around as a matter of fact. Somebody ought to invent Mike Lynch. Write this down. Somebody needs to invent a hiking dog shit shoe. Oh, that's a great idea. Which is. Here's what it is. If you're on the inside of the right shoe, just the inside edge, it has a high piece of rubber, but super smooth rubber, no tread or anything on it. And it has to have some like. It has to be infused with some Teflon or something. And it would just be like a specialty shoe, like a racing shoe, like a driving shoe or volleyball shoe or something like that. Have a nice waffle stomper. You know, tread on the bottom, but on the inside by the big toe of the right, just the right foot, it has a high smooth half circle that's just made for kicking shit. You literally just could kick it and the shit won't stick. Maybe it needs to flip out so you don't trip on it. Like you kick your heel and it flips out. Yeah. Anyway, the dog walking shit shoe. Yeah, there you go. By. By kids. There you go. Let's work on it. And let's see if we can get Ellen DeGeneres to endorse it. Yeah, she probably would. The thing that drives me crazy is there's horses on our trails and they don't make those people clean up the horseshit. And I asked them what the people that maintain the trail. Why? And they said because horseshit is organic. Because all they eat is hay. Right. Dogs eat non crazy. Right. Except for horse dog shit. Won't stop you. If you're on a Segway horseshit, you'll go over the fucking handlebars. If you hit that shit on a Segway horseshit. You break a leg on. You can be on a mountain bike and hit horseshit and go over the handlebars. One of the greatest thrills of my life. And if you just want to hear what. What dick's guys are. When I was a young man, probably about 11, 12 years old, I had a dirt bike, like a BMX bike. And at some point it became very hip in the late 70s to have something called a side hack. If you ever see those motorcycle races out of Europe where the one guy's riding the motorcycle and then the other guy's just on the side hack part sort of leaning when they go into the curves and sort of sitting in a weird. It's a weird basket that's like on the side kind of like one of those old English motorcycles or Even like one of those old, like German motorcycles that you'd see the officers driving around in in World War II, the sidecar motorcycle. And I had one of those on a bicycle. And it was just a, it was literally a frame made out of a shopping cart and an extra third wheel and no fender. And the guy would sit on top of the frame over the third wheel and balance and use. You'd use them as ballast. When you're turning in, he'd lean one way. When you're turning out, he'd lean another way. We out in Los Angeles went to Griffith park, pushed this side hack. You couldn't ride it. It was too steep all the way to the top of this horse trail up on Griffith park there. Pushed it like two miles up to the top. And then I said, now we're going on a banzai run. And we both jumped on it and went hauling ass down the fire trail about 8ft wide and just wound down the thing. Well, it was also horse trail. And about every 60ft there'd be a huge pile of horseshit. And every time I would aim the bike so that the tire that the guy was sitting on with no fender would plow right through it. And then I would laugh maniacally when the horseshit flew all over him. I steered him through about 80 piles of road apples, as they like to call it. Thanks, Debbie. Thank you. Appreciate it, McGurk. Well, there you go. That was your Adam Carolla extra. All right, that's Adam Carolla Show 427. Coming up for our final clip today we have Adam Carolla Show 456 featuring Shira Lazar and Brian Bishop from 2010. This is a day and date news show with Shira Lazar filling on news. Hope you guys enjoy. Like most of America, you're probably traveling this holiday season. Problem is fourth quarter is a busy time at the office. To help conduct business even when you can't meet in person, use GoToMeeting brought to you by Citrix to hold meetings online. It makes conference calls collaborative and effective because you can show people what you're talking about. Try GoToMeeting Free today with this special 45 day trial offer. And it's just for Adam Carolla listeners. And hey, that's me. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the try it free button and enter the promo code Adam. That's GoToMeeting.com promo code Adam. You're listening to the Ace Broadcasting Network from Corolla One Studios in Glendale, California. This is the Adam Carolla Show. Adam's guest today is comedian Bill Burr. Plus, Shira Lazar is back for the news, and Paul Bryan's rocking the sound effects. And now a man you can see tonight on Jay Leno and in your dreams, Adam Carolla. Yeah, get it on Got to get it on no choice but to get it on on mandate. Get it on. First, the little Jeremiah weed. You guys know the story with the fighter pilots, how they come home and they toast their journey, their safe arrival with Jeremiah weed. It's true. Ooh, that's right. They're a proud sponsor, the Adam Carolla Show. And if you think we're lying, we're not. Started the tradition in the Air force during the 1970s. Nice shot of the weed, by the way. If there's ever a time you would need a shot of something stiff, it would have to be returning after flying through Mig Alley in an F80 or a. Jeez, what else would they fly? They A4. F4. You know, help me, Shira. You know the rest of it. There you go. There you go. Yep. You got a weed story, your own. We want to know. We want to hear about it. Go ahead and hit them up at the Facebook page and tell us more. And check out the new products, including a 90 proof blended bourbon. Also comes in the cherry mash flavor. I don't know if you heard me right. Bring that up before Bald Brian. Here's how good that must be. You told me to get some from the back, and I went back to get some. I was like, hey, where's the Jeremiah weed? Like, that's long gone. Donnie, just sitting there with a lampshade over his head. That's right. Leaning against a lamp post with bubbles coming out of his head. Yeah. Pink elephants dancing. Remember that one? I just finished a raid, dude. Yep. The weed. The Jeremiah weed. All right. Shira Lazar, great to see you again. Welcome back.
- [94:16]
Brian Bishop
Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. It's always fun, and it's great to be here.
- [94:21]
Adam Carolla
Well, what we're doing now, and everyone is trying to keep everyone up to date with what's going on, they're like, well, what happened? And who you gonna get? And how you gonna do who you gonna get? News girl to replace Theresa Strasser and blah, blah, blah. And what we're doing is we picked four. Three or four.
- [94:39]
Brian Bishop
Is this like American Idol?
- [94:40]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, it's that way, minus the prize part in the fame. We picked a handful of girls that we thought did a great job, and we decided to bring them Back for a few days. So, Shira' to be with us here for the next few days. Yes, yes.
- [94:52]
Brian Bishop
It's going to be exciting.
- [94:54]
Adam Carolla
Yes. World changing, smart and very easy on the eyes. Very easy. Would you agree, Bald Bryan? What?
- [95:05]
Brian Bishop
Just imagine all you guys listening.
- [95:07]
Adam Carolla
No, I mean nice. Natural.
- [95:09]
Brian Bishop
I'm natural. I'm all natural.
- [95:11]
Adam Carolla
Natural C cup.
- [95:12]
Brian Bishop
Yeah. Well, actually I'm border D. I'm. Yes, it depends. The £5 here or there depends on the water weight.
- [95:19]
Adam Carolla
I like the ones that are here rather than over there. And yeah, little one. Sexual harassment. Yeah. A couple of salt tablets away from a D cup. And slender, so probably like a 34D.
- [95:32]
Brian Bishop
How did you know? Wow. Yeah, you know your stuff.
- [95:34]
Adam Carolla
I know my bras.
- [95:35]
Brian Bishop
You do?
- [95:36]
Adam Carolla
Slender and beautiful. Super pissed.
- [95:37]
Brian Bishop
And the brains.
- [95:38]
Adam Carolla
And brains to match. Well, that goes without saying. Right? Big heaping brains with a massive front areola.
- [95:46]
Brian Bishop
I mean, luckily there's no HR here.
- [95:51]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, yeah. What? I said if we paid you, you could sue us. But we don't, so you can't. Low orbital. I didn't say. I meant orbital. Low but not airy. Ola. Oh, I'm sorry. It's a slip, scientific slip of the tongue.
- [96:08]
Brian Bishop
That tongue must have been eating a lot of food this last year.
- [96:10]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, that tongue was eating. I was eating some turkey and some potatoes and everything else.
- [96:17]
Brian Bishop
Do you go on a diet at all or do you let it all go?
- [96:19]
Adam Carolla
You know, what I do is I always take it easy that day, which really doesn't do anything. But for some reason I declare no eating that day.
- [96:29]
Brian Bishop
Really?
- [96:30]
Adam Carolla
Just that day.
- [96:30]
Brian Bishop
Like you're a rebel of Thanksgiving?
- [96:32]
Adam Carolla
No. Well, during the daylight hours.
- [96:35]
Brian Bishop
Oh, a lot of people have the meals during the day.
- [96:38]
Adam Carolla
No, I mean. I mean that day. And then 5 o'clock comes along, that evening comes along. When I say that day, I mean that daylight hour. And five o'clock comes along and I'm like Tom Hanks when he got off that island.
- [96:51]
Brian Bishop
It's like Yom Kippur for you.
- [96:52]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, where they start. That's a strategic error, my friend. Yeah, you gotta graze a little bit so you keep your metabolism going so you're that much hungry. You're right. Cause the way sumo wrestlers get fat is they starve themselves and then they just eat at night. I didn't. You know, I'm no scientist, but it's always next year. I'm no Susan Powder, if that's what you're asking.
- [97:11]
Brian Bishop
Yeah, I do the light on the turkey so I could eat the pieces. All about the Pies.
- [97:15]
Adam Carolla
What kind of pie do you like?
- [97:16]
Brian Bishop
I like. I had a poo poo platter of pies. I did the raspberry, the apple, the pumpkin, the pecan.
- [97:25]
Adam Carolla
And you went back East?
- [97:26]
Brian Bishop
I did. I went to Massachusetts. I'm Canadian. But whatever boyfriend I'm with, I'll celebrate with them that year.
- [97:33]
Adam Carolla
What about your family? Where are they?
- [97:35]
Brian Bishop
Montreal.
- [97:36]
Adam Carolla
And are they cool? And don't they want you back for Thanksgiving or. They give a shit about it. They don't care.
- [97:41]
Brian Bishop
We have a different Thanksgiving. Canadians.
- [97:44]
Adam Carolla
I know, but what do you guys have?
- [97:45]
Brian Bishop
We have a Thanksgiving, but it's not as. It's more a religious thing. I mean, I didn't celebrate Thanksgiving growing up.
- [97:51]
Adam Carolla
At all.
- [97:52]
Brian Bishop
All right, so we do have one in the fall. You know, I guess this is the fall, but it's like earlier, like in September. October.
- [97:58]
Adam Carolla
But it's a feast.
- [97:59]
Brian Bishop
It is a feast. But we didn't. I mean, it was more. The Jews didn't celebrate Thanksgiving.
- [98:04]
Adam Carolla
Right.
- [98:04]
Brian Bishop
For some reason.
- [98:06]
Adam Carolla
And you're out here and beside this gig.
- [98:09]
Brian Bishop
Yes.
- [98:10]
Adam Carolla
Fingers crossed. You have my book.
- [98:12]
Brian Bishop
Double fingers.
- [98:13]
Adam Carolla
What. What else are you. What are you doing?
- [98:16]
Brian Bishop
I'm@cbsnews.com I'm their first ever video blogger. Paving my way as a video blogger.
- [98:22]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [98:23]
Brian Bishop
And I cover digital trends, social media, pop culture. I have a blog called on the scene, cbs news.com onthescene. I hosted, you know, I've hosted shows on MSN, movies.com, yahoo. I'm. I do. I mean, like, I've done a ton.
- [98:40]
Adam Carolla
Of stuff on the web, graduated from Emerson with honors. What you call honors. You're what they call the complete package.
- [98:48]
Brian Bishop
I thank you. You'd be my publicist.
- [98:51]
Adam Carolla
No, I mean, you're beautiful and you're well spoken. And you're not from here. You'd be ruined if you were from here. And you're smart, you're educated. It's really. You really got it all going on. For sure.
- [99:00]
Brian Bishop
I appreciate it. No, I mean, I'm very grateful and lucky. Ellie's been great to me.
- [99:05]
Adam Carolla
It has.
- [99:05]
Brian Bishop
And I've built my niche in online, in the digital world. And I've been lucky enough to get a lot of awesome jobs. Like, I'm actually hosting the Grammy livestream.
- [99:13]
Adam Carolla
Oh, really? Well, yeah, soon. I mean, seemed like a year ago, two years ago. That stuff was like, okay, sweetie, go nuts. Yeah, it was sort of like, I imagine what cable was like to my family when I was on cable 10 or 12 years ago, it was like, not worth buying. Not Worth buying. It was laughable, but, like, it was what? Or they didn't understand. And what is that? How's that work? And I would say we're at some point right now where three, four years ago, it was like, all right, you're doing an online show, we get it. Who gives a shit? And then five years from now, it'll be substantial. And we're at this weird sort of Mason Dixon line of, okay, I'm kind of listening, but we're just kind of crossing into that. What does it mean?
- [100:02]
Brian Bishop
Well, as much as the online people give traditional media credit, whenever they appear on a TV show, they're, like, tweeting about it, like, oh, my God, watch.
- [100:11]
Adam Carolla
Me on local channel 5.
- [100:13]
Brian Bishop
That's the funny thing about what's going on now. We are definitely going through a transition phase where there's more credibility in doing online. I mean, I've hosted shows. I hosted this show on NBC here in LA. I've hosted shows on DirecTV, those big ones. But every time. And you might think this, too, it's like, you get hired for a TV show, it's a big hurrah. You get the press, and then it's like the big high and the big low. And there's no empowerment around it. You don't have control because you have these overlords that are like, ah, we can just cut you off at any time.
- [100:43]
Adam Carolla
Sure.
- [100:44]
Brian Bishop
Whereas digital and online, for me, has always been really awesome because I had the power over, you know, connecting with an audience.
- [100:50]
Adam Carolla
Right.
- [100:51]
Brian Bishop
And no one had to turn me on or off. I could be on all the time. I mean, we're not going into news.
- [100:56]
Adam Carolla
Speaking of turning on. Well, Taylor, switch it on. Let's go. Let's move. I'm gonna give you a little break. Okay, I'll let you prep that news. Because I got. My wife downloaded my audiobook the other day off of iTunes. It was six and a half goddamn hours long. And I found myself. She. Well, I actually stumbled onto it. I didn't know it was on my little eye kajigger. I didn't know it was on my thing and went down. And I was sort of scrolling around trying to play some music so I could skip my rope. And it said, purchase music. And I thought, oh, okay, these are songs I bought. And I hit it. And the only thing on there was my book. I don't want you to think I'm a crazed narcissist, but soon I will turn into one as you'll hear the story unfold. Use that jump Rope to hang yourself. And I went, all right, well, let's give it a listen. Because I was in a fugue state half the time I was delivering this thing. And I did it over three or four days, a couple hours at a time. I don't really remember what I did, but. But some of the stuff, as I was listening to it, I thought, hey, this is solid. And then I thought, well, why not play it for the kiddies at home? A, it's produced, it's edited, B, we can rest our soup coolers, and C, it's decent. All stuff you've probably heard hints of before on this program, but a little more concise. This is, I guess, about four or five minutes long, maybe a little less. And it's the end of my that's Entertainment chapter. And it's me complaining about the guy who programs the 8 channel on Sirius XM. I hate this guy and I'll have more to say about him when I do Playboy radio today. I should say, all right, do you have it? You have it queued up? This is this the audiobook? Six and a half hours long, like I said. And the thing about the audiobook versus the book book is some of it is verbatim, some of it is a wild just riff that goes way off the tracks and not even close to anything that's on the page. And then. Yeah, I know. And then some are just the sides that are within the page. So I'm sort of reading, stopping and riffing and reading and stopping and riffing. And then some of it's just reading straight through, which I couldn't get more in a sentence without fucking up. They edited it nicely together. All right, here's the end of the entertainment chapter and me with a personal message to the guy who programs the 80s channel on Sirius XM. Everyone always does that. Oh, you're in high school in the early 80s. That's why you love all that music. I don't like cars from the early 80s. I like the cars from the 60s. I hate the architecture from the early 80s. I like THE architecture from the 20s. Are you starting to get the picture? So shut the fuck up. I like the music from the early 80s because the pretenders first albums and Joe Jackson's first albums and Elvis Costello's first albums were great. Not because I was 15, but you wouldn't know there was this much great music in the 80s. If you ever tuned into the 80s station on satellite radio or watched any VH1 flashback 80s shows or listened to any 80s weekend on your local radio station. Then it's a lot of Union of the Snake by Duran Duran, wham's Young Guns, Tainted Love by Soft Sell. It's all the soundtrack to a really shitty Adam Sandler movie. Movie. It's like we're punishing ourselves. It's called the 80s station, not the super fucked out, shitty, horrible songs from the 80s station. We could be hearing Clubland by Elvis Costello or Stupefaction by Graham Parker, but instead we get the Safety Dance by Men Without Hats. This is the equivalent of getting a sack of trail mix, picking out all the smoked almonds and peanut M and Ms. And just eating the raw sunflower seeds. Why are we fucking doing this to ourselves? There's a ton of great music out there. Why we forced to listen to the biggest mistakes of the decade? If we're gonna go down this route, shouldn't we just take a number two pencil and shove it into one ear until it pops out the other? Indulge me for a moment while I directly address the gentleman who programs the SiriusXM 80s channel. Channel that's in my wife's car. Dear fuckstick slash sonic abortion doctor, you obviously don't know shit about music or you're a maniacal mad person who's trying to sonically punish those of us who pay a premium for your satellite radio. If I hear People Are People by Depeche Mode one more fucking time on your piece of shit 80 station, I'm gonna buy a black market Soviet ballistic missile and shoot down your fucking satellite. Ugh. It's just so fucking bad. Every time I climb into my wife's car, I put on the 80s thing just to fucking see what shitty song they're playing next. You don't have to play the worst songs from the decade. Elvis Costello must drive around in his Audi with his satellite radio and just go, what the fuck is going on? I don't get to hear one of my songs. I get to hear fucking Flock of Seagulls over and over and over again and not one of my fucking critically acclaimed songs. The fuck are you doing? They think if we started a TV station called, like Greatest Super Bowl Champions of All Time and just shown some of the worst teams from the 80s that never made the fucking playoffs. Would that be your plan? Play something good, you ass wipe. I thought you were supposed to offer something over terrestrial radio. I thought that was the plan. I thought the whole deal was you pay $20 a month and then you get something other than fucking people are people. Jesus Christ, kill yourself, would you? Please let a fucking pigeon program that fucking station. I hear better songs on it, you asshole. It's like there was no good music ever produced. Ugh, no wonder all the good artists kill themselves. Assholes like you never play their fucking songs. And what's the deal? How's it work? Are you blowing a guy from the Flock of Seagulls right now? Is that how it works? Are you being hit in the rear by a guy from Soft Sell? What's the deal? There's gotta be a deal. You can't just be sitting around going, oh, those songs are better than Joe Jackson shit and Elvis Costello shit. Or the Pretender shit. You can't do that, can you please kill yourself? My engineer just piped up and said, couldn't he just quit? Why'd he have to kill himself? Yeah, why didn't Hitler just resign? Cuz he's done too much fucking damage and he needs to be punished. You understand? Hey, Mussolini, why'd we need to hang him off piano wire? Couldn't he have just retired? Maybe started his own vineyard? No, he needs to be punished. Punished by the fucking people that were punished by his fucking music selections. How dare you. Thank you. Thank you. Why all the hatin'I? Do wish that guy would kill himself. I really do. I feel like even if he killed himself 10 times, he would not a tone ace. Can I just make a quick comment here? Yes. That for the people who are skeptical about buying both the book and the audiobook, 90% of that was brand new. A lot of that was not in the book at all.
- [108:08]
Brian Bishop
Ooh, extra special.
- [108:11]
Adam Carolla
Well, I'm so sorry, but I get so goddamn livid when I think about that ass wipe. You have very passionate, horrible music. I'm passionate because here's the thing, A, we could be doing so much better than we're doing. There's so much good out there that we never get exposed to. And it's these guys who do it to us and it's sort of, I don't know, it's like a responsibility, like programming something. It's the same feeling I have. And we'll play in the book, but it's the same feeling I have toward Hanna Barbera or Sid Marty Croft. It's like, you ass fucks, you're destroying people. You're making their minds into mush. And there is good out there, especially when it comes to music.
- [109:00]
Brian Bishop
Yeah, that's what the Internet is for now. Now people just go, the Internet. And that's why everyone else is dying.
- [109:06]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, that's why all these guys are gonna die off. Hopefully. I'm just envisioning a scenario in which the guy who programs the 80 station buddy comes up to me. Hey, Stan. You know Adam Caroll? Not personally. He mentioned you in his book. Yeah.
- [109:22]
Brian Bishop
He actually might feel special. They might feel special about that. Instead of hurt. Be like, awesome.
- [109:27]
Adam Carolla
And I want him to kill himself. He mentioned me. I don't want him to jump off a building because there's a chance he could land on somebody innocent. Let's do it with carbon monoxide in your garage. You know, quiet dignity. Quiet dignity. Thank you. Now, Shira.
- [109:41]
Brian Bishop
Yeah. Should we move on with some news?
- [109:42]
Adam Carolla
Let's hear some news. Thank you. Let's go live from the International News center next to Donnie's mini bikes. This is the news with Shira Lazar. By the way, can you picture the engineers and me doing six and a half hours of that? I think you hit it on the head when you said engineers. There's no one managed to be subjected. But I did have them go into my ear, well, why does he have to kill himself? Why can't he just.
- [110:08]
Brian Bishop
Hopefully there was a lot of alcohol involved there.
- [110:11]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [110:11]
Brian Bishop
All right, so we're talking about pumpkin pie, right? Or pie.
- [110:14]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [110:14]
Brian Bishop
All right. Well, there's a new. They've discovered this odor that arouses men.
- [110:19]
Adam Carolla
Yeah.
- [110:20]
Brian Bishop
And this is pretty surprising. Yeah, it's pumpkin pie. Supposedly the number one odor that enhanced penile blood flow.
- [110:28]
Adam Carolla
Pumpkin pie.
- [110:28]
Brian Bishop
Penile. I've never really used that.
- [110:30]
Adam Carolla
Oh, yeah, I use it Well, I used to use it more, but I use it at least once a day now. You want to know the sound that arouses men the most?
- [110:38]
Brian Bishop
What?
- [110:40]
Adam Carolla
That was. Yeah, we love that. I just got one. You wanna try it again? Here we go. So goddamn hot, right?
- [110:49]
Brian Bishop
I really felt that the energy in the room grew.
- [110:52]
Adam Carolla
I just got hot.
- [110:54]
Brian Bishop
So it was a combination of lavender and pumpkin pie. This was done from the Smell and Taste Treatment Research Center.
- [111:00]
Adam Carolla
A lot of fat asses working at that place, but they smell good.
- [111:04]
Brian Bishop
So how it worked is they tested 40 aromas with the men. But it seems that the smell of pumpkin pie and increased the blood flow in the middle region by 50%.
- [111:13]
Adam Carolla
Well, I wonder by 40%. I don't want to shit on your news gathering skills, but this is a fairly old story.
- [111:21]
Brian Bishop
Hey, your producers gave this one to me.
- [111:24]
Adam Carolla
Well, by the way, the reducers are not producers. Now, this story, well, it comes out every year, but it's a good five years old.
- [111:30]
Brian Bishop
They thought it was a good Thanksgiving Story.
- [111:32]
Adam Carolla
It is a good Thanksgiving story.
- [111:34]
Brian Bishop
And I actually love pumpkin pie. So what does that say about me?
- [111:37]
Adam Carolla
It says good things about you. I love fucking pumpkin pie. First off, it's a time to Thanksgiving story. Almost impossible to up a pumpkin pie, especially if you have enough Cool Whip to throw on top. Have you ever had a bad piece of pumpkin pie? Sometimes there's good, there's better, but there's not. Like, ah, I can't eat this pumpkin pie.
- [111:57]
Brian Bishop
Rock my world.
- [111:58]
Adam Carolla
And maybe now, do you think that when somebody smells pumpkin pie that the blood starts moving toward the center of their body? Like, you know, heading down toward the gut? Like, I wonder. Obviously, to digest food, you need blood going to that part of your body. Your groin ain't a whole lot, you know, it's in the same neighborhood. Basically. You could hit it with a rock. It's lower intestine adjacent, you know. So I'm wondering if you smell pumpkin pie, if the blood just starts moving to the center of your body and stops along the cot. You know what I mean? It is kind of. And it's kind of a dead end. A cock, a sack, if you will. It goes in. It can't really escape, you know, maybe you take a wrong turn on the way to the belly. Because when you smell like lavender, you don't think, oh, I'm hungry. You know, you think of candles, but you don't eat candles unless you're really high, like Dawson.
- [112:52]
Brian Bishop
It's a nice balance of something you'd smell, but then something you would eat.
- [112:55]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Anyway, love that fucking pumpkin pie.
- [112:58]
Brian Bishop
That was a story that will never get old. All right, and this is a big one. Something obviously more sad that happened this weekend on Sunday. Leslie Nielsen, acclaimed comedian, actor, known of course for his roles on Airplane and Naked Gun. He passed away in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. He was 84.
- [113:16]
Adam Carolla
He came on our radio show about three years ago, right? Yeah, he was. He was a little adult. He was. Well, he was good, but he didn't. I. I didn't get the feeling. And again, we'll. We'll see how we are all hanging at 81. Or back when he did our show 78 or whatever it was. But I didn't get the feeling when we were done interviewing him that he really knew he was in these comedies. I mean, he knew he was in these comedies, but that wasn't acting. I mean, I think his notes. I think the notes for Leslie Nielsen were, I saw you in all these movies from the early 70s and the late 60s. I want you to approach this role with the exact, exact same.
- [114:00]
Brian Bishop
It never changed.
- [114:01]
Adam Carolla
Energy, don't change yet. I'm not with you at all. You're not? Coincidentally. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Brian, let's not forget the only reason you're here is because you're world class. Brown nose. That's right. I can't believe that you disagree with something I say. All right, back to tape. Go ahead, back the tape up. You're right on, ace. Whatever you say. Now, what do you think? Coincidentally, obviously, he knew he was in a comedy. Yeah, coincidentally, I just saw Naked Gun. It was on TV two weeks ago. Yeah. Not only does that movie hold up, it's still very funny. Very funny. All the jokes are. Maybe it's a little dated, but the jokes are very sharp and it's all very sharp. Comedy parody. He is a really gifted timing comic actor. He really plays the slapstick scenes for slapstick and the straight scenes. He plays them straight. He has got comic range in that movie. Now, there's a great delivery where he was pulling into the precinct. He bashed a car. The airbag went off, the car took off down the street. Did anybody get the driver? He jumped out. He started firing shots into his own car, essentially. And then he did a sort of thing where it was dawning on him that it was his car that did that. Yeah, he did. You're right. It takes a big man to admit when you're right, Bald Brian. And you're right. Yeah. He delivered that line where he started off just dead, not sure that someone had stolen his car. And then it started to dawn on him. You could see his voice and face change. He's pitch perfect. And I give a lot of credit to the writers and the directors. Remember the scenes with. Where he falls in love with Priscilla Presley and they're on the beach and they squirt each other with hot dog or a mustard and ketchup. He's perfect in all those different kinds of comments.
- [115:38]
Brian Bishop
He's very straight in terms of how he says his lines sometimes so perfect in the way.
- [115:42]
Adam Carolla
No, but he does. Brian's right. He does do. He does have his moments where he gets knocked out or he makes his goofy face or something and he does. But yeah, whatever it is, it's on. It's on point.
- [115:51]
Brian Bishop
But it was a Twitter topic trend all weekend since he passed away. Lester Nielsen, everyone was tweeting about, about, you know, his line that we all remember. Shirley, you can't be serious. He says, an airplane. He goes, I am serious. And don't Call me Shirley.
- [116:04]
Adam Carolla
Love that. Leslie Nielsen.
- [116:05]
Brian Bishop
To Leslie Nielsen.
- [116:07]
Adam Carolla
Love all the jokes. Actually, Kennedy playing a sidekick was great too. It was great when he got off the plane and he goes, I just love that. Don't you people know. Sure, you're all here to hail the big hero, but you don't know what it's like when a man hurts inside. And he was like, they're weird. Alice getting off the plane in the background of that shot. I'm sure they'll show this movie on TV over and over again. Naked Gun in the background of that shot. They're literally dropping bags out of the plane on the tarmac. They're just falling. Love. All the little side jokes, too. Great. Great music, too. Yeah.
- [116:43]
Brian Bishop
A little walk down memory lane right now. All right, so more entertainment news today. James Franco and Anne Hathaway will be co hosting the Oscars on February 22nd.
- [116:54]
Adam Carolla
Really?
- [116:55]
Brian Bishop
I was completely surprised about this.
- [116:57]
Adam Carolla
I am as well.
- [116:59]
Brian Bishop
That's pretty over the past two decades, I think.
- [117:01]
Adam Carolla
It's definitely one of these things where if somebody said, I will give you 1,000 guesses. If you can get one of the people that is co hosting, the two people guessing. I mean, two people hosting and their names, you know, and they're alive. And Nielsen. Scratch at the end. No, and they're guys, you know, and they work in Hollywood and you know the name. They're popular now. Go ahead. I'll give you 1,000 guesses. You would, at a certain point at like 487, you'd go, oh, Baldwin. And I'd go, no, you said that already. And you would never get to these two. Would you ever get to these two? This is the result of marketing gone horribly wrong. Because what happened was they got some research back and said young people are tuning out. Like young people turning out. Gotta get some young stars, right? Yeah.
- [117:50]
Brian Bishop
They'd gone, you know, John Stewart, Chris Rock, Billy Crystal, all the great comedians of our time have been those. And now this. I mean, we. She's in now Sex and Other Drugs, an Oscar winning movie out right now. She's in 127 hours. But they've both been nominated or at least in Oscar nominated films.
- [118:08]
Adam Carolla
Well, they're both talented. I think it's surprising they'll go Hugh Jackman on us and start with some kind of musical, something Gleesque. Yeah. And you know, it's all really about the writing and the rehearsal and the execution. I'm sure it'll be fine. But I don't know, don't you guys kind of Want an elder statesman. Like, I do feel like. I feel like I want my guy to have earned it. Like, I feel like I want to see Steve Martin on there. I just want to see some guy who started writing for the smothers brothers in 1964, and now he's doing this.
- [118:44]
Brian Bishop
Looks like the torches being passed. Like someone that you look up to. The wise words of wisdom.
- [118:48]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Just there's an element of even. Even as, like. As funny as Ben Stiller would be. I just don't feel like he's earned it. I want to see that guy who's earned it up there. And I guess you run out of those names pretty quickly, but couple of kids, sort of average age 30 and 4 months or something. At least they're talented, you know, they're good actors.
- [119:14]
Brian Bishop
Yeah.
- [119:15]
Adam Carolla
Okay.
- [119:15]
Brian Bishop
Well, they're the future Oscar winners, that's for sure. But all those, you know, all those older actors are gonna be, like, so bitter.
- [119:22]
Adam Carolla
I just want your sort of. I don't know who our Bob Hope is. Maybe it's Jeff Ross. I don't know who it is, but, I mean, I just want our. Where's our Bob Hope? Like, the guy who's gonna host it.
- [119:35]
Brian Bishop
Ryan Seacrest.
- [119:36]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. I'm just saying, the guy's gonna host it for 15 straight years. Bill Cosby should have gotten a shot 10 years ago. Yeah. I'm serious. That would have been a great host. Yeah, he's.
- [119:45]
Brian Bishop
I mean, he's now, but he's a bit old.
- [119:47]
Adam Carolla
And right now, I'm just saying. Yeah. Who do we got?
- [119:50]
Brian Bishop
All right, so. All right, let's move on. Again, Thanksgiving, this weekend. Were you. You football. Watch football a lot, right?
- [119:55]
Adam Carolla
I did. I did this thing where I did a long rant about why Detroit needs to play every fucking Thanksgiving and rollover for whoever's kicking the shit out of them and ruining my Thanksgiving. Because Detroit Lions have played every year for 25 years. They get the shit kicked out of them every year. They're always. By the time we get to Thanksgiving, they're mathematically limited from the playoffs. So it's like, what the fuck? Are we ruining our Thanksgiving watching this team? And then why not have some incentive for other teams who play their asses off? Like, hey, the teams with the best three records are going to play each other, whatever, you know, do something like that. So I did the. What the fuck? And I did a long rant about it on Kevin and Bean on Wednesday, and then I somehow moseyed downstairs and turned on the TV at some point. And Detroit was up 24 to 17 over the powerhouse Patriots. And I thought, well, egg on the ace man's face. They're up 24, 17 on the pats. This is awesome. Then I did what happens to me in life, which is I got sucked in. Like, oh, okay, let's go. Detroit went upstairs, took a crap, took a nap, turned on the TV again. 40. So, in other words, the Patriots had scored, like, literally five touchdowns, while Detroit did not score as much as an extra point since I turned off the TV set when I came back a quarter and a half later. And I blame myself for actually doing that thing where I went, hey, they got a chance here. Boom, gone.
- [121:22]
Brian Bishop
Well, I was in mass with all the Patriot fans.
- [121:24]
Adam Carolla
Oh, really? We watched.
- [121:26]
Brian Bishop
Oh, my God, we watched so much football, I wanted to shoot myself. But all right, this is a big story. Did you watch the Boise game, by the way? That game with that poor guy? That.
- [121:36]
Adam Carolla
I was gonna say, I did the opposite what Adam did the next day with college football. I was on board. I was like, oh, Auburn's gonna get upset. And they didn't get upset. It's like, oh, Oregon's gonna get upset. They didn't get upset. And I just. Ah, forget it. Nothing's gonna happen in this last game. And of course, it was an amazing game.
- [121:49]
Brian Bishop
Yes. The Boise versus Nevada.
- [121:51]
Adam Carolla
Listen, I. I did the same thing with Bill Simmons, the sports guys I do every single year in Cousin Sack. I said, raise the goddamn goal post, because that ball went over the top of the goal post. And then someone said, oh, Boise's is even lower than a normal one. And I thought, why is that? Why is that allowed? And then Bill Simmons did the same thing he does every year. Ace man. How about they put a laser up there? And I said, but if the laser is broken, it doesn't say whether the ball would have bounced in or careened out. So can't be a laser, but go, go, go. Pass. But what is the. If we see it and they had a bad angle on it and the refs were in a bad position to catch it and all that kind of stuff, but that ball rocketed right over the post. And who's to say if the post was 8ft longer wouldn't have bounced in? That's all I'm saying.
- [122:44]
Brian Bishop
Yeah, that poor guy definitely didn't like himself the next day.
- [122:47]
Adam Carolla
No. And kickers the guy. I felt sorry. I'll take one other guy I felt sorry for the most over the. Over the weekend, beside myself and my immediate family, is the SC receiver. Or was it. Was it the sc Drop the ball. Buffalo. No, no, no. The goddamn. Yeah, you were there. I felt sorry for bald Ryan at bald Brian. He SC was trailing the game and there was a minute, Minute left. Not just any game. Yeah, Notre Dame. And it's really, really. You know, your season can be defined if you're SC by whether you beat Notre Dame or not, regardless whether you're going to a bowl game or not. On top of that, they're on probation, so no bowl game. So this is a. This is their bowl game. This is their biggest game. And you could have a pretty, pretty decent season. You know, I mean, they could have gone 8 and 3 or 8 and 4. This is a mix between, I think 8 and 4 and 7 and 5. Yeah, there's a pretty big difference there. And it was seamen Senior Day and they had one of their wide outs just break free with the, you know, there was 40 seconds left in the game or something, but he just broke it wide open. The quarterback threw one of those balls where it was almost like. It was like he was playing center field and the ball just sort of came down into his lap and he just biffed it, just dropped it. And I thought, you know, he's not going, he's not playing in the pros, this guy.
- [124:14]
Brian Bishop
That's the thing. It's so disappointing and you feel so.
- [124:16]
Adam Carolla
Bad for these people lives when they're sophomores or freshmen. Somehow I don't. But when you realize this was his last game, yeah, he'll probably play in the pros, but I know what you're saying. He's not one of those. Top, top, first. I can't believe you disagree with me. He's not a big. Not if they see this, that catch. No, but look, you say he'll probably play in the pros, that you're saying he'll probably be drafted. That's probably. But he could also blow his knee out in minicamp and he may not play in the pros anyway. He could go to minicamp and get cut, whatever. I mean, this again, I don't want to over dramatize it, but that could be the last, possibly be the last time he suits up and gets out in a big game. And that's what's, that's what he's leaving with. That essentially, it's like you're, you're a good player, but your last time at bat, you strike out, lose the game. And he could have won out as a senior scoring the last time he touched a ball, beating Notre Dame and salvaging what would have been a depressing season at home. In the, at home, I mean, at usc. I mean, he really, he, he'll never forget that. Yes, we're right. Thank you, by the way, for reminding me. Yes, I almost forgotten. I had a good two and a half. Thank you.
- [125:31]
Brian Bishop
Well, speaking of fumbling balls, which a.
- [125:34]
Adam Carolla
Lot, I did laugh when I thought about you in the rain, out in the crowd. It was so goddamn cold. I know. All right.
- [125:39]
Brian Bishop
This was a big story, actually. Pittsburgh Steelers after the Buffalo Bills, they lost 19 to 16 overtime to Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Steve Johnson. He dropped the game winning touchdown.
- [125:51]
Adam Carolla
It was that sort of drop by Esee. It wasn't quite as bad, but it was almost as bad.
- [125:57]
Brian Bishop
Exactly. That's why there were a lot of little fumbles. Maybe they were eating too much or drinking too much over this Thanksgiving.
- [126:01]
Adam Carolla
Could be.
- [126:02]
Brian Bishop
But then the big thing that made news was that he started, he sent out this controversial tweet. He said, quote, I learned a lot within 24 hours. Saw both sides ups and downs. I'm happy and thankful for yesterday. Without Sunday, I wouldn't have grew closer with the Lord. So a lot of people were saying, did he blame it on God that he dropped this? He was like, he brought God into his tweets. And so everyone was talking about it.
- [126:24]
Adam Carolla
God didn't help. Let's be honest. It was such a catch, by the way, there are two types of drops in the NFL and also in Major League Baseball. There are catches that are drops, but they're not easy catches, even though they're drops. Anyone who's played baseball knows that running laterally, sort of full speed and doing a sort of backhand move, even if it's routine, when you're running the ball sort of bouncing and you're doing a little backhand and it goes in the books as a drop, but it's not, not a routine catch. And even the catch, that was it, Ronald Johnson dropped. He had to go a little to his back hip with it. Just enough when you get him out of stride, just a little bit on his back hip, still a drop, but a little. This ball hit the Buffalo receiver just in the chest full stride and actually just came down and landed that way. Stevie Johnson. Stevie Johnson. And so much so that the DB I was watching through the magic of tv, the DB who was covering him, saw the ball sort of get stuck in his pads and turn off like, kind of like, God damn. And then look back and went, what's the ball doing on the Ground like, there was a split second where it was like, touchdown. No, it's not.
- [127:38]
Brian Bishop
That sucks. But the funny thing is the way he tweets. He was just saying. And no, I did not blame God, people. Seriously. Question mark, exclamation point.
- [127:46]
Adam Carolla
Come on.
- [127:47]
Brian Bishop
I simply cried out and asked why, just like y'all did when something went wrong in your life.
- [127:53]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, boy. You do a horrible Jewish accent.
- [127:58]
Brian Bishop
That was my.
- [127:59]
Adam Carolla
That was your brother accent. Brother tweet.
- [128:01]
Brian Bishop
That's my bro tweet. Bro tweet in 140 characters.
- [128:04]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. You know what's weird but super refreshing?
- [128:08]
Brian Bishop
What?
- [128:10]
Adam Carolla
Roy. It was Dallas Cowboys white out Roy Williams. Roy Williams sort of lost a game for the Cowboys. Even though he didn't really lose the game for the Cowboys, he kind of lost the game for the Cowboys. Decisive play. Decisive play. They still had to go 90 yards to score. That's on the defense. And he was switching hands and trying to cover up, and the guy made a good play and stripped the ball, and this guy dropped the ball. Cost a game. And I don't know. And it's sad that I think this way, but it's like, oh, stereotype black athlete. Here's the thing. And I was waiting for a. You know, you're bothered by this. No, not at all. Or the sun was in my eye or some sort of bullshit I'm not thinking about, or I'm looking ahead, or I'm moving forward or even working Jesus Christ into it. What I didn't expect from Williams or this guy was I blew it. I blew it big time. And I thought, this is nice. I like it. I like the accountability part. I like the humble part. I like the owning up part. And it's not the sort of thing that the TOS or the Ocho Cincos of yore or the Chad Johnsons or the. Was it Chad Johnson who was. Same guy? No, I'm thinking of Chad from sc. Why? Just give me the damn ball. Oh, it's Keyshawn. Keyshawn Johnson. Sorry. How dare you? Sorry. It's not the kind of thing these guys would have said in their prime. Or even Randy Moss. It's not, you know, my bad. I cost us the loss. This one's on me. There would have been a. You don't know what it's like to be out there or. That was past interference or it got caught up in the lights or. Yeah, I drop a ball once in a while, but when you drop one at the end of game, people make a big deal out of it. You shouldn't be pointing fingers or. I'm not bothered at all. I'm looking ahead to next week. It just went. I fucked up.
- [129:54]
Brian Bishop
Yeah.
- [129:54]
Adam Carolla
I mean, it was. Roy Williams took it a step like too far. Like he's like, I cost this team the loss. It's my fault. I'll never forget it. Blah, blah, blah. And he was actually just trying. I don't know what he's supposed to do. Hook slide. Jesus Christ. Peyton Manning cost him. Not Peyton Manning. Eli Manning cost him the gang for not doing a hook slide in the Giants game. He fell forward and the ball shot out. It's weird that. It's weird that the Manning brothers can look like the greatest players in the league and simultaneously the most uncoordinated guys in your class, like, at the same time. It's also weird thinking about the weekend. You're right. It comes up now. There are a lot of goats. You know what I'm saying? If you want to call them that. But it's also kind of weird. I don't like celebrating the negative. You know what I mean? In sports there's like, like, do we have to go to the week? You know what I'm saying? And all that stuff. It just seems kind of piling on to guys who know they fucked up. I think guys do a actually. But the thing that was interesting with Roy Williams and it's an interesting ploy, you know, I'm going to tell my son about it because I assume he's a future goat. I'm going to goat to be goat. Goat maker. Ace Corolla. Oh. What Roy Williams did is he went over the top. He said, I cost everyone this game. I let my teammates down. I'm going to have to live with that. He didn't say, well, look, I gave up the ball, but I gave up the ball in the 10 yard line. If they didn't go 90 yards, didn't march down nine yards and score, we would have won this game. No, no, he threw it all on himself and then he piled some more on himself. And then when it got back to the booth where they were commentating on NFL Today or whatever, they're like, you know what, Roy's being too hard on himself. Yeah, Roy got the ball stripped. But Roy wasn't playing defense. The defenseless him down, he put so much on his shit that they actually, people felt bad and they started unpiling for him. It's sort of like you reverse psychology. Yeah. It's like you being charged for manslaughter, but you Announcing that you're Charles Manson and that you deserve to go to the chair. And then all of a sudden people start going in love, don't be so hard on. Meanwhile, there's a dead senior who was on a three wheeled bicycle that you backed over drunk. But everyone's sort of like, yeah, don't be so hard on yourself. It's actually better way to go. Go pile it on in the negative. I agree.
- [132:07]
Brian Bishop
Well, there's gonna be more negative in your life though, with this next news story. All right, I promise you, Adam, a new law in LA has come up to take more of our money.
- [132:17]
Adam Carolla
What? Yes. That's not the LA I know.
- [132:21]
Brian Bishop
If you get caught jaywalking, they've raised the ticket price.
- [132:26]
Adam Carolla
Louisiana. Like Louisiana. Yeah. Not the LA to the A.
- [132:30]
Brian Bishop
Los Angeles for all you people. All right, all right. So if you don't live in la, then you are in luck. All right, so they've raised the jaywalking ticket price to a whopping $191.
- [132:41]
Adam Carolla
It's way. Okay.
- [132:43]
Brian Bishop
I knew you were going to have.
- [132:44]
Adam Carolla
Some thoughts on this. I don't know where to begin here. First off, this notion that you're going to dissuade people from doing it by the cost of it is total nutter bullshit. Because when people, they don't find out out how fucking expensive it is until they do it. So it's not like I know it's this, I'm flirting with $200 out of pocket here, but I'm going for it anyway. My poor assistant Jay just got a ticket for driving through one of those intersections. Oh my God.
- [133:12]
Brian Bishop
This time to me, I owe $1,800.
- [133:14]
Adam Carolla
$1,800.
- [133:16]
Brian Bishop
Court sent me and sent me, you know something, Because I didn't pay. There's a $600 like you. Basically, they take the picture, I went through the yellow, but going into the red. So it was just like that middle point.
- [133:28]
Adam Carolla
By the way, the signal going the other direction stays red for a couple of beats. Anyway, it's not like you're cutting anyone off.
- [133:34]
Brian Bishop
I know I wasn't. I'm a completely safe, responsible driver. So I get sent the $600 ticket, but then it goes. They make it complicated. Like you go to court or you can pay this or you can do that, and then you get overwhelmed and if you're a busy person, you might delay it and then I get the.
- [133:50]
Adam Carolla
$1800 one video blogger have to file now. Yeah, it's a total fucking racket. We should re against it. I'll get Mike August on here, who's an attorney who basically explained to me once that you just. You demand a court hearing at a trial, essentially, and they don't want to go through the trial and they just sort of settle up with you.
- [134:10]
Brian Bishop
But that's if they ticket you in person, right?
- [134:13]
Adam Carolla
No, I think you can do it. I think you can do it no matter what. We'll get August in here, we'll do a whole Fight the System show because I'm going to turn into a fucking Latter Day Billy Jack because I can't fucking take it anymore. Anymore. I can't tell you that. My poor sister Jay just got one of these tickets for $475. Well, let me say this. The average income, and I don't know, you can look this up, somebody can look it up, but the average income in Los Angeles is, I don't know, $39,000 a year or 30. Sorry, Brian, are you sitting down?
- [134:49]
Brian Bishop
He's jealous.
- [134:50]
Adam Carolla
Let's say the average income. Okay, let's say finally, let's say amongst the. Well, I wouldn't call you gainfully employed, but all right. And forget about employed because you don't have to be employed to drive an automobile. But the average Los Angeleno, if you took the ones that are employed and the ones that aren't employed and the ones that are students and the ones that aren't students and blah, blah, blah, I would say the average take is somewhere in the high 20s, low 30s per year. Well, when you break that down, that breaks down to, you know, 18 bucks, 20 bucks an hour, something like that. And then when you break that down, well, that breaks down into 6, 600 bucks, 800 bucks a week, somewhere like that. Then when you take the taxes out for that money, it's essentially almost a week's worth of work to pay one of these fucking tickets off, which is way, way too much. It's just too much. I mean, they have to work it out. I mean, listen, when they handed out tickets in. I would love to find out this number because back in the day when a gallon of milk was 25 cents and the average house cost $40,000 in the Valley and the average person made $2.75, well, then a ticket was like $5. But it worked out to a sort of equivalent, you know, day's pay for the average employee. Employee. Now it's fucking four days pay for the average employee and it just fucking keeps going up. $36,000 was the median income in 09. I guess they didn't ask you. Brian household. That's two people, dude. Yeah, that's two people. All right. So let's.
- [136:26]
Brian Bishop
Yeah, but the best is they say it's reducing accidents and. No, it's not such.
- [136:30]
Adam Carolla
No, it's not. They always fucking hide behind this. They're just. They're just extortionists. All they do is fucking rape the citizens. And when is everyone going to step up and let's clog the system? Now, let me say this. Everybody and Donnie, we got to have a party. What is the date tomorrow? Let's see. Coming up 30th. Yes, I will be turning my car in in less than three weeks. Guess who still has the dealer plates on it. That's no way for fucking years with the dealer plates. Now, again, what does that mean, dealer plates? I don't mean a metal plate that says dealer on it. I mean a cardboard plate that says Don Cott Ford or whatever you get when you first get your car. And thus no front license plate. Now, everyone says, well, what's the deal? Well, here's the deal. You don't want. If you drive in Los Angeles, you don't want a front license plate on your car. The reason you don't want the license plate on the car is because the strobe light takes the picture and you get the ticket from the intersection. But if you're driving around with a license plate on the back of your car and no front license plate on the front of your car, then you're going to get a ticket for no front license plate. Now, I would suggest, by the way, when you get this very nominal, fix it ticket for no front license plate. I would suggest that you go down, take care of it, pay the guy 30 bucks, get the thing signed off on, and then immediately take off your front license plate again. It'll be at least a year before you get pulled over. Well, I've gotten that ticket three times. And you don't have to go in and actually show proof of fixing it anymore. They just keep recharging you. All right, well, that's just to take it off. I'm wondering, how do you get around the parking tickets if you don't have that white paper in the front windshield thing? Because the parking enforcement enforcement is brutal. Besides the right. Stay out of that piece of shit known as the People's Republic of Santa Monica. Stay out of that hole. Stay out of that fucking little slice of fucking communism over there. Not to shit on your point, I've gotten in front of my house once at the El Portal and one other place. And you have to. You have to just. Well, part of it is just luck. And then part of it is this has been. Donnie shits on your points. Thank you. The reality is if I parked in front of my house, I'd have 500 of these things. I park on top of my house. You cannot park in front. You can't park on a city street very long and expect to get away with it. But if we make the. Was it three weeks from now, we should have some celebration. We were going to have a party. Fuck the Lampdy. No nothing. Fuck the city. Fuck Villaragosa. Fuck the city. Four fucking years, you motherfuckers. You cheap fucks trying to rape me. Well, fuck you. And I would use so many cuss words. And I would tell everybody, here's the deal. What we need to do is clog the system. Everyone needs to demand a court date. Everyone needs to demand a trial. Everyone needs to take the license plate off the front of the car. We need to do what they fucking did with the civil rights move. The 60s just fucking car strike. Just fuck them. Everyone needs to do it.
- [139:44]
Brian Bishop
We should start a movement from here.
- [139:45]
Adam Carolla
So start the tweeting. You got the ticket. You didn't pay it. It went to. Went to Warren because I'm working so.
- [139:53]
Brian Bishop
I could pay these things.
- [139:54]
Adam Carolla
And now you owe them $1,800. Yeah, I love that.
- [139:57]
Brian Bishop
The end. All right. Too annoyed over that. We have some other news stories if we want to continue.
- [140:04]
Adam Carolla
Well, I'll tell you what. Why don't we take a little break? Our guest, Bill Burr, is probably being pulled over by the Burbank PD right now for driving with his fly to down. Oh, they can tell. Fucking listen. You should have known. Let me just. Please, let me. Let me just go on to just a very minor jag everyone wants. Hey, why are you such a hater? Why are you fucking talking about the cops this way? Why? Because they didn't sign up for this. And neither did we. They started this fight. It was them. It was them who is raping their citizens. It's the city turned against its citizens. They started using cops. Cops used to be to protect citizens from criminals. Now they're just fucking folks out fucking with little March of Dimes cylinders, trying to fucking raise money for the city. They went from protectors of citizens to rapists of citizens. Something happened along the way. And by. By the way, it's getting worse. By leaps and bounds, the tickets go up, but no one's made more money. Than they did in the last few years. Nobody's house is worth more. Nothing is worth more. We're all worth less. But yet the prices of the tickets keep fucking going up. They're not even staying in step with inflation when we don't, in fact even have fucking inflation. We have deflation right now. They should go down. Seriously, people are struggling. Bring the fucking price down. No, no. They're raping the fucking citizens. Our semi retarded fucking mayor Villardo, who is also known as Tony Velar. Yes, that's his real name. That's the name he went by in college after he was failing, failed the bar four fucking times. His pussy ass is doing nothing about this. Nobody's doing anything about this. Schwarzenegger's doing nothing about this. No one in the city council's doing anything about this. And we're being fucking bent over and ran, raped. Well, listen, we pay their fucking salaries. Let's fight back and fuck them. And listen, all that. Oh, hey, hey. You should be scared of the cops. Fuck you. Criminals should be scared of the cops. We're not criminals. We're fucking parents, we're homeowners. We pay the fucking taxes that pay their salaries. The fuck you talking about, scared of the cops? They work for us. Shut the fuck up and do what we tell you to do. Jesus Christ, it's so fucking pathetic. And LA is the only town it's gotten this, this fucking bad at fucking jaywalking tickets. And by the way, again, it's funny that, oh, they've raised it in la, but we laughed about Louisiana or wherever else it is. We don't have to worry about it. They don't write them in other cities, they physically don't exist. Look, you could say jaywalking tickets were a million dollars in the city of Manhattan, it wouldn't matter. They don't give one out. But in Burbank, in fucking Santa Monica, that's all they fucking do. And look, I didn't. I don't pay you guys to do this. I pay to fucking go after gang bangers. Now do it. Do what we tell you to do. Do it. You. Jesus Christ. So fucking sad. You got my vote. Listen, somebody's got to fucking put an end to this shit. And, and look, let's at least drop the reverence part. Oh, these guys are heroes. Bullshit. They're fucking molesters who rape your wallet. That's all they do. What do you mean, cops are heroes? They don't do shit anymore. These fucking. I'm getting calm now. A small percentage of them are in the fucking crash unit that go into South Central and stop the gangbangers. The lion's share of them are handing out chicken shit tickets in Glendale and Burger Burbank. So no, that does not make a hero. And it goes. It starts from the city council, works its way around the mayor and goes all the way down to the precincts. They shouldn't be fucking bothering people with this shit. Figure out another way to make money. You ask Cock White fuck sticks. Thank you. It's a new word. It fucking pisses me off. And they should do it on a fucking sliding scale. Which is if you're poor, you shouldn't have to pay the kind of money.
- [144:17]
Brian Bishop
Or can you pay in like little bits, like one check? I don't know.
- [144:21]
Adam Carolla
Let me tell you, when I taught traffic school back in the day, you had a choice. Go to traffic school or pay your ticket. Now what do you think it is?
- [144:29]
Brian Bishop
They don't even give you a choice.
- [144:31]
Adam Carolla
Pay your ticket. Pay your ticket and go. But it's pay your fucking ticket. They're extortionist. Fuck every. And it's. Look, it's all our faults. It's all our faults. We're not standing lining up. Everybody fight it. Fight it. Take that fucking front license plate off the front, clog the fucking system, please, and drive through all those fucking laughs. The only thing that brings me when I get to my left turn arrows. When I get to my four year fucking anniversary, I'm gonna have a fucking party. You're having quite an influence on my wife. I just realized. Only did she run a red turn arrow the other night with two people in the car? No, she just had the dealer plate in the front and the back. Nice. I like it. Again. Again. Listen, if everyone did it, there's not a fucking thing they could do about it. Alright, quick break. Back with your calls after this. Hey, Kitty's aceman here. And me and the Wheeze have been cooking up a special show for you. That's right, a Christmas show, A Christmas Corolla. All the bits you love with a little Christmas flavor added on. What can't Adam complain about? Christmas edition this year in Rage and many other Christmas themed comedy bits. So let's not miss this one. Members of Whoville. We'll be at the McCallum Theater in Palm Springs December 1st. The Crest Theater in Sacramento December 2nd. The Tower Theater in Fresno December 3rd. And the Las Vegas House of Blues December 4th. Details and ticket information available@adamcarolla.com all right, back with the Calls again. Bill Burr is aol. Well, wait a minute, he's awol. God damn, this computer shit's really driving me nuts. He's awe without leave. Yeah, yeah. Knew there was something in there. Should we take some phone calls? Somebody got a chicken shit ticket in Des Moines. Hey, Chuck. Yeah, what's going on? Yeah, hey, it's funny, I actually called in because I wanted to have you tell a story I heard you tell like eight years ago, but I'm actually, it's funny because I just got a BS ticket yesterday for running a stop sign. Perfect. And it's the third stop sign running ticket I've gotten in that same town. And I have beat it twice already. And it is just as BS this time as it has been the last two times. And they say the same thing every time. And the cop was nowhere near where he could see me even running it. He just pulled me over and that's what he came up with. And now I got a $200 ticket for running a stop sign. Was it a four four way or two? It was a three way stop. No, no, actually it's a one way. It's a. It's. There's a cross street and you gotta stop and then turn right or left onto the cross street. There's no stop going the other ways. Right. But honestly, no cars anywhere near. This cop was about half a mile away and couldn't have possibly seen me. And he gives me this ticket. Well, the thing about this is I live out in Pasadena now. I'm just back visiting my family. So now I got to figure out, you know, how I'm going to get back to fight this thing. And the problem is, if I fight it, what do I win? I win not paying a BS ticket. That's my big thing. You should get compensated if you win the amount that they wanted to take from you. So if they said the ticket's $200 and you go, all right, what do you want me to do? And they go, cut us a check for $200. And you go, all right, no, I'm going to find. Then if you win, they should cut you a check for $200. Isn't that the way the world works? Yeah. And I mean, it's not just me taking off work. I got to get back to Des Moines to fight this thing. Or else I pay them $200. Once you do one of those crazy guy things where you pay them in pennies. You bring over a pillowcase worth of pennies or something like that and they cut Me off at about 20 pennies and say, that's fine. What story did you want me to tell? No. Well, you told the story, like, eight years ago about some chick that you met that you went down to San Diego and found out she was actually a huge chick. Yeah. And you still had to, like, spend the weekend with her. Now who else has got some story? Yeah, that's right. That's a fantastic story. I heard it a long time ago. I don't remember it very well. I think it was 2002. You told it on Loveline, and I loved it. I was dying laughing, and I was actually calling in to see if you'd tell that. Well, sorry, Chuck. Adam's a comedy factory warehouse. I don't tell. I know. Never repeat myself. But listen, I got no front license plate. I'll make it short. I met a chick at Barney's Beanery in the height of my singleness many years, many years ago. And from the waist up, looked pretty good. I didn't get a real chance to get a real look at her, the rest of her, evidently. And we kept in touch and she went back to her place in San Diego, and I went to my place back in North Hollywood, and we talked on the phone for about four or five months. Evidently, she did nothing but eat during that period of time. Like, literally, like, laying under a soft swirl machine with her mouth open like Homer at a bar, you know? Yeah. And some point made some arrangement to go out there and visit her. And I did go out there, and when the door opened and I saw Jabba the Hudson, there I was. No, she wasn't. She's a really pretty girl. That was just a little big around the bottom half, you know, And I.
- [149:41]
Brian Bishop
Just thought, some people like that.
- [149:42]
Adam Carolla
Some black. I mean, some folks do. And I just didn't. So I wasn't into it.
- [149:48]
Brian Bishop
See, if you had. If Facebook was around, then you would have been able to know all could.
- [149:52]
Adam Carolla
Have worked this out. Yeah, but this would have been ass book. Facebook wouldn't have worked. So I said, you know what? I think I'd make it through the night. I borrowed my friend's car to go out there. Didn't have a car with that kind of range. And went out drinking that night. Sort of passed out. And then the next day, I said, well, I know I said I was gonna stay the whole weekend, but you know what? She should know I was lying. I got a comedy gig at the, like, Comedy Store on Saturday night. So I gotta get out of here. Probably open mic Sunday night. You know, but I should. I gotta get rolling. And her friend pulled me aside and she went, I have no. I can't remember her name, but she was like, Fred pulled me aside and was like, nancy took the day off work so she could be with you. And I was like, that was her laughing. I was like, where do you keep the booze? And that was it. I just tied one on, did the deed that night. Don't even remember it. Just, you know, classy, classy back and got the hell out of there the next day. Although two weeks later, she showed up on my doorstep with her friend and Dumbo Ray, my buddy Ray was there and I was like, talk for a while. And I was like, all right, I'm going to bed. And like, Ray kept coming in. What do you mean going to bed? What about Nancy? She's all the way out here from San Diego. I was like, ah, Ray, Jesus Christ. Should had him frozen in carbonite. Yeah, yeah. So what are you gonna do? But, yeah, it took one for the team. What, are you gonna sue? I wanted to get out of there. What a hero.
- [151:28]
Brian Bishop
We've all been there.
- [151:29]
Adam Carolla
I tried. You've ever done that? Ever been with a guy that you know, you really want to be with, but you went, oh, eff it. Give me a shot of that Stoli. Let's get this over with.
- [151:41]
Brian Bishop
There's some people you feel bad about.
- [151:42]
Adam Carolla
Like, should have ordered the surf and turf now. Yeah, there's some people you want to like them.
- [151:48]
Brian Bishop
You want to like them, but it doesn't happen. And then you have to drink a lot to, like, get in that moment.
- [151:52]
Adam Carolla
Right? That moment means passed out. Yeah, it means legally not able to consent in the state of California. We're talking about the moment. Lighting a candle gets you in the moment. Booze just puts you into a catatonic state where you don't care.
- [152:06]
Brian Bishop
Yeah. Or the guys that they think they're going to get there and they just, you know, that's not going to happen. You know, just need to say, I'm out of here. I'm gonna go home.
- [152:14]
Adam Carolla
Well, what should you do? And by the way, have you ever changed mid date? Like, you know, the guy picked you up and you went, oh, boy. And then like, you got in the guy's car and you're like, oh, boy. And then he started talking about his mom or something. You're like, oh, you took care of her for the last three years before she was claimed by breast cancer. And then he did that cool move where he knew the maitre D. And next thing you know, he was dancing real nice. And you're like, I've kind of turned the corner on this cat.
- [152:42]
Brian Bishop
For me, I don't usually date guys I don't know at all. Like, I usually see guys that I kind of knew or met before. But then we had that one on one time. And then it's in the middle of that first one on one time, or having a drink or dinner, and I'm like, wow, this guy is cooler than, you know, than I thought. And then they bring up like this stuff. Like this one guy, this young dude I was having drinks with, he brought the fact up that he was a cutter.
- [153:07]
Adam Carolla
Like from that movie Breaking Away.
- [153:09]
Brian Bishop
But instead of, but instead of like me being like, damn, red flag. I was like, oh, he's so deep.
- [153:15]
Adam Carolla
Really?
- [153:16]
Brian Bishop
Like he has emotion. Because he was like, oh, it's from the past.
- [153:19]
Adam Carolla
Uh huh. Yeah, man.
- [153:21]
Brian Bishop
And then, and then my dad ended.
- [153:23]
Adam Carolla
Up like, they do that thing where he's like, I'm a cutter, but I don't want to talk about it.
- [153:26]
Brian Bishop
Obviously this guy isn't listening to this right now. But my dad ended up saying to me, you got it, Replace farter with cutter.
- [153:32]
Adam Carolla
And I've had that same thing.
- [153:33]
Brian Bishop
You have to distinguish being deep from being fucked up.
- [153:36]
Adam Carolla
Right, right.
- [153:38]
Brian Bishop
And so. But it is when someone brings up like vulnerabilities or, you know, things that.
- [153:42]
Adam Carolla
Well, it's weird. Cause Van Gogh was a cutter, you know, and it's like, you probably would have slept with him. You know, he's a fine, accomplished writer. You know, I mean, artist, Sorry. Well, he's an artist, sorry, artist of sorts.
- [153:56]
Brian Bishop
So yeah, when you bring up real time. He wrote pictures, but guys can do that, make that change, make that switch. Mid date. I. I do things.
- [154:04]
Adam Carolla
You can do that you can do.
- [154:05]
Brian Bishop
That I can do. I get to know. There's some guys that I look at them and I'm like, oh, you're more of a friend type. And then if I get to know them over a date, over a few days. And they're passionate and they're cool and they talk a lot about interesting stuff.
- [154:19]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. And they say things like, cerebral. She's a rescue. Yeah.
- [154:24]
Brian Bishop
Yes. The dog rescue thing, definitely.
- [154:27]
Adam Carolla
Sense of humor.
- [154:29]
Brian Bishop
Sense of humor, good. A lot of, you know, nuggets of.
- [154:32]
Adam Carolla
Wisdom, entrepreneurialism and the cutting guy. That not a deal breaker.
- [154:39]
Brian Bishop
I thought it would be. No, because it was in the past and he was just bringing up something that maybe he didn't share with a lot of people. And I thought that was really interesting, but ended up not being. Not as interesting as it continued.
- [154:50]
Adam Carolla
Right. Do you think the cutting thing is part of the guy's rap, or do you think it really opened up? No.
- [154:55]
Brian Bishop
Oh, I saw. No. Well, he. Then. This is gonna be. I hope he's. He, then. No, he continues.
- [155:01]
Adam Carolla
There used to be a foreskin at the end. Now suck it.
- [155:05]
Brian Bishop
Yeah, I like to do this.
- [155:07]
Adam Carolla
I cut it right off. A lot of guys would use the moil. Not me.
- [155:11]
Brian Bishop
But he ended up doing. He had a little bit of a relapse while we were together.
- [155:16]
Adam Carolla
He started cutting while you were. During the date?
- [155:18]
Brian Bishop
Not during the date, but, like, we were hanging out for a few months.
- [155:21]
Adam Carolla
So, like, we're with you, and as, like, I'm gonna stab myself with this chapstick. Oh, you're so hot.
- [155:27]
Brian Bishop
But if you're like, you know, I used to have this.
- [155:28]
Adam Carolla
Thank God we went to Benihana's. Yeah. God. This is what it worked on. You didn't. It's a cutter.
- [155:34]
Brian Bishop
It's something that shows depth.
- [155:36]
Adam Carolla
Depth, depth. Like when you hit muscle. That kind of depth. All right.
- [155:41]
Brian Bishop
Do you see 127 hours? That guy's a hero.
- [155:44]
Adam Carolla
You. No, but he cuts off his arm. One. Oh, that. Oh, it's coming. He. Yeah. Spoiler alert. Yeah. I'm just saying, you want some guy. I mean, women want guys who can express themselves, even if it's bullshit.
- [155:58]
Brian Bishop
Well, you. Hopefully it's not. That's why I like hanging out with someone for a few days or knowing them with friends, and so that's. That way I know them, and I. Yeah, I feel like I know them better.
- [156:09]
Adam Carolla
Mm. I'm a gouger. I gouge the elderly. That's what I do.
- [156:14]
Brian Bishop
You contribute to the community.
- [156:16]
Adam Carolla
All right, somebody's got a political question about the wicked leaks thing here. Richard.
- [156:21]
Brian Bishop
Yeah. That's a big one.
- [156:22]
Adam Carolla
Richard. Yeah. Hey, what's going on? Richard? Hey, man. What's going on with you? Just checking you, buddy. What's going on? Hey, man, I'm just glad to be on the show. Glad to be on the show. I decided to call in, and here we are. All right. What's up? Hey, just this whole WikiLeaks firestorm, Julian Assange. How do you feel about all of this, as well as whistleblowing in general? I mean, you know, it's something that's been done from, you know, since time began. Well, look, it's one of these things where you can't paint everything with the same broad brush because it's like saying unions, do we need them? Don't we need them? Well, we needed them at some point, you know, locking the factory up and paying people subpar wages and blah, blah, blah. You need some unions to a certain degree. It's probably gone too far. The truth and transparency in government and all that, it's good to a certain degree. But I think we could all agree that there were a lot of secrets we kept during World War II that were for a reason. We were trying to defeat the enemy. And there are things we did to the enemy that we didn't expose. And there were plans that we had that we didn't expose. And I don't think the truth is for all when it comes to battling an enemy, I really don't. What do you think, Richard? Well, you know, I think, you know, I think nowadays it's like, as far as, as far as that's concerned, I think people come out with information. It's always happened, you know, like, if it's a crime, it's gonna going to come out. I mean, if you're in a party of men and those men are committing some type of war crime, then what happens is, you know, certainly you have. All right, I'm bored. But here's the thing. Now here's the thing. If somebody. Here's the way I come down on this. And again, like, this is why we've lost our ability to sort of do critical thinking and make decisions and weigh everything. Evidence, it's not all black and white. It's that sort of thing where it's like we're talking earlier about parking and parking enforcement, you know, jaywalking and all that kind of stuff. If the parking lot is full and some guy in a sports car parks in the handicap parking and there's a handicapped van filled with handicapped kids that has no place to park now, then I want that guy towed. But my buddy Philip was throwing a tennis ball to his dog one night, pulled into a park in Sherman Oaks just at night, like 9 o'clock at night to get his dog run around after he's gone. He didn't even know it, but he pulled into the handicapped parking lot parking space, even though the entire parking lot was empty. And he got a $400 ticket. Of course. Now of course, that's sort of spirit of law, whatever. So we understand why the laws are on the books and we understand we would like them enforced when it makes a difference. And no one wants to see a handicap guy with a wooden leg dragging his ass from five blocks away because my buddy Philip in his sports car took his place. But we can all also agree, when there's an empty parking lot and it's the middle of the night, then who gives a shit? And the thing about information, if one of our guys goes into some village in Tikrit and starts going apeshit on villagers and opening up with a shotgun and a grenade launcher and slaughter, murdering innocent civilians and women and children, all that kind of stuff, then I don't want that brushed under the carpet and I want that stuff brought to the fore and I want that guy prosecuted. On the other hand, if the CIA is getting information out of the guys that bombed the coal, and he pulled one partner into the next room and put a sock in his mouth and fire a couple bullets into the dirt, and then the guy. Next guy from the CIA comes back into the cell and says, we just shot your partner in the head. Now you're gonna talk or not. I don't want that part shared with everyone. I believe that's useful. It's not a truth is for all, all or nothing sort of society we're in. We have to make decisions. It's like with your kids. There are things our kids say. Stuff like, where's Molly going in a few years? Or like, when she gonna be here? And it's like, oh, she dies. Dogs die a lot earlier than we do. They only live seven years. Like one of our years. Like seven years. So by the time you're in the third grade, she'll probably be in the ground. And no, there's that sort of part of life where you tell people, hey, man, you got a problem with alcohol and you need to confront it, and I'm sorry, but that's important. It's gonna kill you. And then there's that part where you go, oh, they go to a farm somewhere, and it's that thing you go through your whole life.
- [161:08]
Brian Bishop
And I think the thing with Julian Assange and Wicked Leaks specifically, is that as journalists, they're not supposed to really. They need to make the government take responsibility for all their actions and not filter what should be said and not be said. They want to reveal everything, and they have revealed things about other countries. And now some people say they had a right to reveal this about this country, even if it puts us now in a really bad position. Because diplomats, the fact is they should be allowed to share things. And now our diplomatic diplomats are put in a situation where others are not gonna trust us in our country. Right, right. And then at the same time, some people think that Julian Assange is just, like, throwing stuff out there just to be heard. Right. For no reason.
- [161:50]
Adam Carolla
I sort of feel, and I know I'm maybe in the minority, especially in this town, with this opinion, which is, I will let the experts handle their shit. Like, my feeling is, let the generals handle the war. Let the CIA handle terrorism. Let them do the best job they can do. And I don't. Yes, shit happens. Yes, sometimes they torture some innocent guy who's just driving a cab. It happens. And, yes, there are atrocities. I mean, that comes along with it. And I'm sure there are many atrocities that happen in World War II, too. It really comes with the territories. When bullets are flying, sometimes they're going to land in the heads of people that don't deserve it, and there's going to be policies that are ugly but true. And there's all that stuff. It all just goes. It comes with the territory. And I would, you know, if Pat Tilton is shot by friendly fire, I'd like it brought up. Like, I'd like to get to the bottom of what I call him. Pat Tillman. Tillman. I think I called him Tilden. That's it.
- [163:01]
Brian Bishop
This is a sticky.
- [163:02]
Adam Carolla
Strauss is working with Pat Tilden. Yeah. If Pat Tillman gets shot, I'd like to know, but on things that might jeopardize security, I don't.
- [163:12]
Brian Bishop
Well, the thing is, there, people are saying WikiLeaks is like the TMZ of all this stuff, because they're just, like, some of the information wasn't really needed. We didn't need to know that this person's having an affair with this person or this diplomat hangs out with this woman.
- [163:26]
Adam Carolla
Ultimately, having, you know, a government that has some transparency is a good thing. On the other hand, if it is going to affect national security, then zip it. That's. That's my whole feeling. All right. And by, you know, look, if it's some big oil company that's raping the government or somebody's building a bridge to nowhere, by all means, pop the top on those seals and let's have a look at those documents. But if it has to do with putting people in jeopardy, especially soldiers, then that's when I draw the line. All right, let's take one more and talk to Justin. Justin, Ace man. How's it going? Good. What's going on? Not a whole lot. I just wanted to get your take on this Top Gear on History Channel, because I can't get into it knowing that there's an ace version out there. Yeah. I had a lovely sequence of events take place which is I hosted the. Or was sort of, I guess what you call sort of the lead guy in the Top Gear, which is sort of the biggest show in the world. When NBC tried to do a version of it a couple of years ago, the pilot came out very well. Was a nice pilot, came out good. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. Unfortunately, it was going on NBC or slated to go on NBC right as Knight Rider was failing and TV executives, A, don't give a shit about cars and B, are wildly sort of dumb and just sort of superstitious and they'll do a thing which is, I've had a really good idea for a basketball movie for a while now, but because Will Ferrell's semi pro flopped, no one wants to make a basketball movie. That's just how they sort of do things. And when you have a network, namely NBC, and you're fucking dumb enough to put Knight Rider on. I mean, by the way, why don't they fire people that make these horrible, horrible decisions? Knight Rider was a joke. It was a novelty show. And speaking of Will Ferrell, it's the same sort of thing. It's like Land of the Lost. It's a shitty show from our childhood. We remember it because it's bad. Like a jingle from a local Dodge dealership that we never went to and we'll never go to again or some bad chain restaurants of smorgasbord that we don't want to go to. It's bad. We know it's bad. Knight Rider sucked. It blew ass in 1982. The idea that they tried to bring it back seriously made an earnest attempt to bring it back in 87 or 06 or whenever it was, is absolutely insane. And whoever was involved with that decision should be fucking shit canned immediately from NBC. But while that show is dying a thousand deaths, who knew Our show is now being considered our car show. And of course they just go, no, we're not putting a car show on. Knight Riders dying a thousand deaths. And by the way, two of the big three are heading over to Congress with their pockets pulled out, so they're not going to do another car show. So it gets scrapped. Well, meanwhile, they pick it up to go do it on the History Channel. The History Channel doesn't do an episode they're not doing. They're not doing a pilot. They're picking it up for 10 episodes or something like that. Everyone says, well, of course you'll be hosting it. I say, no, I won't. I'll be shooting a failed pilot on, coincidentally, NBC. And the guy who's replacing me will be named Adam and have an Italian last name. Yes, I'm Adam Carolla. He's Adam Ferraro. And so they go. And then. So now, not only do I have the failed pilot Top Gear, not only do I have the other failed pilot for NBC, but also have the very rare and I don't know when it's ever happened again opportunity of having the one that failed first now on the History Channel. And they were dying for me to host it, and I told him I couldn't do it. And the guy replaced me is named Adam. I don't know if that ever happened. So it's the way I stay up nights thinking of ways not to get paid. And now I got to sit around. So far so good, buddy. I got to sit around and check the fucking Twitter and the thing and all the fucking chat rooms and like, why aren't you ho. Everyone keeps saying to me, why do they got the wrong atom? Why aren't you hosting? Okay, here's the deal. They do a very nice job of recreating the English show. The English show is held in such high regard that no show could ever come close to it and ever will. It's one of those things where it's not even worth trying. It's like some James Dean or Marilyn Monroe or somebody died before their time, where it's like, no one will ever live up to that. So it's almost impossible. I think all the guys are doing a great job. The guy who replaced me, Adam, is not a car guy guy. And I think that's part of people's issues. He's a comic and not a car guy. People want more humor in it. I've seen the first two episodes and I enjoyed them. But on the other hand, it's like asking a junkie, do you like Schaefer Light? Like, it's beer. It's got alcohol in it. It may not be Sam Adams, but I fucking love booze handed over. I love cars, and Tanner Faust is a good friend of mine and does a great job on this show, and the show looks great. So here's the whole thing. Even if it's not as good as the UK version, who the fuck cares? It's almost as good. And I love cars. So I'm watching the thing, and I think they're doing a great job. So no sour grapes and what are you going to do? And there shouldn't be all the haters out there. There's you know, there's way too much of. The UK version is a ten, and this one's a seven and a half. It's not a two. That's a seven or maybe an eight. So just say. Don't go, oh, I love the UK one. And this one's unwatchable. It's a difference between ice cream and sherbet. If you like one, you should enjoy the other. Maybe you like ice cream a little more, but sherbert will do. I like gelato.
- [169:13]
Brian Bishop
I like froyo.
- [169:14]
Adam Carolla
Like froyo.
- [169:15]
Brian Bishop
Yeah.
- [169:16]
Adam Carolla
Yeah. Should we do a little more news where we call Wrap it up? Yeah.
- [169:19]
Brian Bishop
We can do a little Bing search.
- [169:22]
Adam Carolla
Mm.
- [169:22]
Brian Bishop
Okay, let's talk about what's Bing's number one search this year. Who do you think it is?
- [169:28]
Adam Carolla
Adam Ferraro.
- [169:30]
Brian Bishop
Oh, my God.
- [169:31]
Adam Carolla
Wrong.
- [169:33]
Brian Bishop
Kim Kardashian. She's obviously grown by leaps and bounds, but not her way.
- [169:38]
Adam Carolla
But please, just to see her ass. Right? We don't want to find out what she's up to. Right.
- [169:43]
Brian Bishop
And her intelligent thoughts. You know, she beat out Tiger Woods, Justin Bieber, and even Michael Jackson.
- [169:50]
Adam Carolla
How did this happen?
- [169:52]
Brian Bishop
I don't know what's happening with.
- [169:54]
Adam Carolla
And by the way, what. Like, if somebody. And how did my divining rod. Who took my divining rod and just fucking hit it with a voodoo magnet stick and fucked it all up? Because what I'm saying is, if someone would have said to me three and a half years ago, Kim Kardashian, 2010, where's she gonna be? I'm, like, working at Sonic Burger. I don't know. I mean, she did a porn movie she started talented. She's cute with a wide ass. Like, I know if you would have asked me, this would have been three and a half years ago. This would be before the car Keeping up the Kardashians or something. Like, I would just been, like, nowhere, wherever. Whoever else you haven't heard of, I don't know with. Who's. Who's this chick who covered. I think we're alone now. Tiffany.
- [170:40]
Brian Bishop
Paris Hilton was. She came after Paris Hilton. We had the Paris Hilton. And then she was the next heiress to come up.
- [170:46]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, just be like, nowhere. It's 50. It's called 15 minutes of fame. I really think 15 years of fame.
- [170:50]
Brian Bishop
Ryan Seacrest is the one behind this. His whole machine. So speaking of Kim Kardashian, though, she is one of many celebrities who are participating in this Twitter silence. Day one of the channels. Life sacrifice. The digital life sacrifice that is happening on World AIDS Day on Wednesday.
- [171:10]
Adam Carolla
Hold on a second. When do we need to get aids? I was half listening to fully Celebrate.
- [171:16]
Brian Bishop
World AIDS Day Day on Wednesday.
- [171:18]
Adam Carolla
World AIDS Day, by the way. You want to know. I've said it many times. You want to know. When we have something licked in this country, it becomes world bingo. Bingo.
- [171:28]
Brian Bishop
It's not just a town.
- [171:30]
Adam Carolla
No. When there's no. When there's trouble in this country. It's like every day, 15 people in the United States are stricken with whatever. Every day something in the United States at a certain point where they go. Worldwide, the cases of AIDS have gone up more than four. That means we're done. It's like Malaria.
- [171:49]
Brian Bishop
I was part of the Malaria campaign, actually.
- [171:51]
Adam Carolla
Sure. What are you doing?
- [171:53]
Brian Bishop
I was a UN social media envoy. That's what they called me.
- [171:57]
Adam Carolla
I'm not kidding. When I just want to start my come on the tits policy over there and stop fucking. And stop shitting out kids and all those third world pieces of shit. And let's get rid of malaria. Well, so stop having the kids, kids. Can we stop. And having the kids. Stop the raping. Stop the.
- [172:14]
Brian Bishop
Well, they're. They're not.
- [172:16]
Adam Carolla
Can Sting write a song called Finish on the Tits so we can stop everyone from multiplying and then living in squalor?
- [172:24]
Brian Bishop
Dustin Timberlake should do that. Well, isn't that Stick in the box, don't or Come on the tip Tits.
- [172:30]
Adam Carolla
Well, isn't that all. Is that the problem? Too many babies. Nana Food.
- [172:36]
Brian Bishop
Probably mixture between. There's, you know, they're not using conscious, they're not using protection and they don't. Also don't have the education to do.
- [172:43]
Adam Carolla
So can anyone talk about this? Who? Turn it up.
- [172:50]
Brian Bishop
There's AIDS going on in the world on Wednesday. All right. So celebrities are coming together, doing a digital life sacrifice on World AIDS Day Wednesday.
- [173:01]
Adam Carolla
The flying jizz that lands upon your titties. I'm done raping you but I won't come inside when I can blast the load on those jugs. Don't get aids. He's a sensitive man.
- [173:21]
Brian Bishop
Don't.
- [173:22]
Adam Carolla
Don't save the trains of sacks of drainage and mosquito nets for some other impoverished country. I'm going to pull it out and drop a wad on them jugs because I'm coming on the tits. And we all get together. We get like Bono and we get everyone to check their ego at the door. Taking out my lighter on the low on your T. Yeah. We can't recognize them and your lay when we drop a load on the Jug, shut the ceiling fan. I don't want to get it. My. When I drop a load on your tits. You can play. Close your legs and your eyelids too. When I drop a load on your tits. Yeah, that's it.
- [174:27]
Brian Bishop
That's a single.
- [174:28]
Adam Carolla
Write a song. Let's stop these fucking people from reproducing. Does anyone want to talk about it? Nobody. Nobody wants to bring it up. Just more mosquito nets, more sacks of grain.
- [174:39]
Brian Bishop
Well, what they're trying to do is raise money for charity. For the cherry, Right?
- [174:43]
Adam Carolla
For more. What?
- [174:44]
Brian Bishop
Keep a child alive. One million.
- [174:46]
Adam Carolla
So they can be raped on the third birthday.
- [174:48]
Brian Bishop
And they're saying that they're not gonna. They're gonna stop Facebooking and Twittering and all the social network stuff until they raise $1 million.
- [174:55]
Adam Carolla
To then do what? To then help keep the kids alive so they can multiply more.
- [175:01]
Brian Bishop
To help cure. To find the cure.
- [175:04]
Adam Carolla
The cure for what? There'll be something else 10 minutes later. You have to stop shitting out kids. Kids. It's easy. Third Worlds. Stop fucking shitting out the kids.
- [175:16]
Brian Bishop
They don't get this podcast, so they can't get educated to learn that.
- [175:19]
Adam Carolla
What year is this? What's going on? And we send over all these fucking. All these flatbeds filled with everything. How about we send a fucking message? Stop fucking each other. Stop coming in each other and knocking each other up. Stop raping each other. Other. Start pulling out. Come on the tits. And then we'll give you some fucking rice.
- [175:40]
Brian Bishop
And I need to retract that. They're supporting families affected by HIV AIDS in Africa and India.
- [175:45]
Adam Carolla
Gee, why? Why is it flourishing over there? How do we get rid of it over here? Can't judge. Stop fucking raping each other. Knock it off. Put a fucking condom on. Well, the reason I'm pissed off is because I've seen 200 episodes of 60 Minutes, and every third episode, they're heading over to Darfur, they're heading over to the Sudan, they're heading over to India, they're heading over to wherever because there's heading to Haiti. They're heading somewhere because there's a cholera, There's a malaria outbreak. There's problems with this. There's unwanted this, there's malnourished that. Stop shitting out all the kids.
- [176:21]
Brian Bishop
I blame it on Angelina Jolie because she's just teasing all these guys. So they need to then jump on all their women after they see Angelina in their little town.
- [176:29]
Adam Carolla
Let's just do. Can we do some quick math? Hit her tip like to frost Those donuts. What if she was the smoke so much?
- [176:37]
Brian Bishop
There's been a lot of babies on those.
- [176:39]
Adam Carolla
Let me say this. What. What year does the. Do they know it's Christmas at all? The feed the world 84. 84. Let's call it. It's called 84. All right? And, yeah, there's no sun over there. I mean, there's no crops. The crops are burning. There's no water. There's no anything. There's nothing to eat back in. You're too young. There won't be snow in Africa this winter. That's right. Right. By the way, put the snowboard back on. On the suv, on the Yakima racks. No, what happened was, is Bob Geldoff & Co. Or whoever got Bono and everyone got together and they said, hey, man, we got to raise some money for Africa because they've got enough food to feed themselves over there. And that was over 25 years ago. How's it going? It's been 25 years. Oh, we solved that problem. Did they write the ship? Ship? Did the millions of dollars that they raised, did that. That fix that, Fix things? Feed the world? That they fed them, and now we're cool. Are we a better place? No, not are we a better place? Are they a better place? Are they better? Did we cure them? Did it help? I'm asking. No, it didn't fucking help. We did a whole thing with. We did the whole, you know, feed the world and then we did the whole, you know, Michael Jackson, you know, Quincy Jones thing, and they didn't do anything. Why didn't it do anything? Has anyone researched this? What has happened to all the aid that has been dumped off in that region and any region of the world where they go, hey, we need your help. We need food and we just keep dumping it off there.
- [178:14]
Brian Bishop
Where is it going to? Yeah, there should be a.
- [178:17]
Adam Carolla
What's it doing? What's going on? Is it helped? It's been 20. It's been over 25 years. So we should stop twittering to raise more money for what? So our kids can start a campaign 25 years from now to raise more money to get more sacks of grain over there? Or could we start talking about contraception? Could we start talking about limiting the size of the family? Could we start talking about the morning after pill? Could we start talking about condoms? Could we start talking about birth control?
- [178:43]
Brian Bishop
These are communities, though, that razor off, you know, the close off the vagina. I mean, these are. They can't even deal with treating each other properly, let alone Contraception, right?
- [178:54]
Adam Carolla
Well, should we be feeding those people? I think not. Listen, you call me cruel, but this is the way the world works. If you can't get your shit together, you die off. That's the way it works. You're supposed to die off. How many species have been on this fucking planet before us? Go walk through a museum and see all the fucking giant sloths that everything, they're all gone. What should we do? Resurrect everyone? If you're killing your fucking self and you can't support or sustain yourself, then let me tell you how nature plans it. You die off. And the one know why you die off. You're supposed to die off. We don't want you breeding because you're fucking breeding A group that should be dying off. So here's the deal. I don't want to kill you, but what I do want to do is slow down the reproduction. Once we slow down the reproduction, then things can be managed. Then we can start the education, then we can start all the vaccinations and all the. All the schooling and everything else. Oprah's can go to town. But first thing we need to do, slow down on the crapping out of the kids. And somebody's going to have to offer an incentive. 10 bucks a year for families that don't shit out another kid. Or here, put a condom on.
- [180:09]
Brian Bishop
Whatever it is, it'll work.
- [180:12]
Adam Carolla
Give an incentive. Just dropping off food in Doctors Without Borders. Not gonna work. Thank you. That's why I need your boat. I'm playing you off. That's awesome. Now listen, Haiti, they're one sack of rice away from getting that shit right back on. Right back on track.
- [180:28]
Brian Bishop
There is a lot of riots in Haiti this past weekend.
- [180:31]
Adam Carolla
Of course not.
- [180:31]
Brian Bishop
The world's not falling apart.
- [180:35]
Adam Carolla
Yeah, go ahead. I'm just laughing at the screen. Yeah. All right. Speaking of plugs, we wrapped up. Why am I an asshole for thinking this way?
- [180:50]
Brian Bishop
I think that because we would hope as a global community that we help each other and the fact that.
- [180:56]
Adam Carolla
How are we helping them?
- [180:57]
Brian Bishop
Well, the thing is, I do agree with you that it's about not just dumping money, it's about going there and educating people and going to the source of these problems.
- [181:05]
Adam Carolla
We tried. What have we been doing for the last 50 years?
- [181:09]
Brian Bishop
Well, we have been doing that, but there's. I think people are still confused about where all this money is going to. We don't know. We just hear about these big campaigns that bond own, these huge celebrities front, but we don't really know what they're doing.
- [181:22]
Adam Carolla
I agree, but look, all we need to do is limit the number of people that are reproducing. It's the place to start.
- [181:31]
Brian Bishop
The only way they'll learn that is if they respect each other and they understand why that needs to be done. There's no. I mean, they barely know how to read and write and communicate with each other, let alone stop having sex. That's the way they communicate.
- [181:45]
Adam Carolla
Feeding people that are treating each other like animals is not a solution. Let them die off and we'll start with a new batch.
- [181:53]
Brian Bishop
Some people might think that's I'm an atheist. Dignified.
- [181:57]
Adam Carolla
I'm just letting fucking nature take its course. That's it. That's a valid. Hey, get back to my. Come on. The valid song. Well, I'm just saying. Feed the world was from 1984. How's it working? How's it working? Like a charm.
- [182:15]
Brian Bishop
Meanwhile, we're third world America now we are.
- [182:18]
Adam Carolla
At least our homeless are morbidly obese.
- [182:29]
Brian Bishop
Where's your single?
- [182:30]
Adam Carolla
I'm waiting for it. Why the load? Eye drops upon your Ariolas. All right, you really got it down. Shira Lazarus. Nice job, sweetie. Oh, thank you for that semi racist rant about Africa at the end. Uncalled for.
- [182:55]
Brian Bishop
It was a blast.
- [182:56]
Adam Carolla
You can find Shira at Twitter at Shira Lazar Lazar and also her website, shiralazar.com pretty simple. Also, you can find me and us, meaning the we's over at the McCallum Theater. That is Wednesday in Palm Springs. Come on out to Palm Springs and check us out. Doing a Christmas show. And who could forget our good friends over at Mangrate. Oh, what a gift. This is a great Christmas gift. The gift for the guy who has everything. I don't care if the guy's a barbecue fanatic and he's bought everything in the sky mall for his barbecue. He still does not have the most important thing. The man grate. 100% made in America. 100% cast iron, indestructible. You will will this to your children and then their children's children and then that's it. Because one of them is going to be gay along the way and not have any kids no longer selling the two packs. By the way, you can customize orders and select any number of man grates. Limit four per order. Just go into AdamCarolla.com, click on the mangrate banner and order today. Great product, the Mangrate. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Baldwin, Brian and Shira Lazar saying mahalo. All right, Those Adam Cool Show 456. Adam Shearer and Brian for 2010. That does it for today's Pro classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for the final episode of the weekend. Until then, holl and get it on.