Sperm Bank Horror Story with Adam Ray

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show

Episode: “Sperm Bank Horror Story” with Adam Ray

Date: November 6, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this hilarious and unfiltered episode, Adam Carolla is joined in the studio by comedian Adam Ray and newsman Rudy Pavich. True to its title, the show dives deep into awkward stories and social commentary, with a standout segment about Adam Ray’s mortifying sperm bank experience. The conversation ranges from the comedy of recording mishaps, reflections on pop culture, generational changes in adult entertainment, to sharp takes on current events and gender politics. Throughout, Carolla’s classic rants and banter keep the pace lively and irreverent.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Recording Mishaps and Comedy Life (02:59–09:10)

• The episode starts with Adam Ray sharing an anecdote about performing with Dana Carvey, only to have a new tech fail to record the show. This segues into broader reflections on mistakes, accountability, and the inability to yell at people in modern society.

• Adam Carolla: "I said, hey, fix it. I, like, do a good job. And then as I was walking away, I heard a woman go, there's no pleasing Adam... There is a version. There is a pleasing me. You can fucking just do the thing I told you to do, and then I shall be pleased." (05:08)

• Adam Ray: On club techs: "...You can't just rely on the club. Even if they are like, we have a three camera set up. You're like, two of them always probably don't work right." (04:51)

• The guys agree: no matter how successful you get in show business, things always get screwed up behind the scenes.

2. Language Oddities & “Shit” Idioms (09:10–13:40)

• The panel riffs on strange common sayings involving “shit,” dissecting idioms like “don’t bullshit a bullshitter,” “shit rolls downhill,” and “don’t shit where you eat,” poking holes in their logic.
• Carolla: “Don’t bullshit a bullshitter is up there with, I’ll see you in hell. Just… Okay, so you’ll be in hell for some time before I arrive. What did you do?” (09:33)
• Ray: “If you’re going to a place and you hear about a creek filled with shit… Whatever shit you get covered in—whatever feces disease… is on you.” (10:46)
• Pavich: “Flight attendants might be the best example. They’re closest to the bathroom aside from the pilots and the snacks. Another one is, they're only shitting and eating.” (11:53)

3. Pop Culture, Costco, and the Lost Importance of Magazine Covers (16:55–27:57)

• The trio recalls the time magazine and catalog covers meant something, sharing stories of their own and celebrities’ awkward magazine moments.
• Carolla: “It was one of the realizations I knew my dad wasn’t a fan of mine…” (22:11) — tells a story about his dad seeing him on a magazine cover, showing zero interest.
• The discussion includes how fame is more diluted now, and how getting on a cover used to be a significant milestone.

4. Generational Stories: Pre-Internet Porn & Raft Box Girls (27:57–31:54)

• Nostalgia abounds as Adam and Rudy recall pre-Internet smut, using product boxes or trashy magazines for material, and how kids nowadays "have it easy."
• Carolla: “Us having to whack off to raft box porn, that’s kind of our story to pass on to the next generation. Like, you kids, you got it good.” (30:46)
• Ray: “I feel like I got a pretty creative mind…but, man, when it comes to just, like, using the imagination, can’t do it.” (31:08)

5. Feature Segment: Sperm Bank Horror Story (31:54–51:05)

• Adam Ray gives a play-by-play of his uncomfortable visit to a sperm bank:
  • Dated porn selection (all DVDs, no DVD player).
  • No provided lotion, only soap.
  • Queasy conversation with a staffer after he jokes about “Air Bud.”
  • Awkward logistics of providing both urine and semen samples ("can't come around my pee" (33:17)).
• Memorable exchange:
  • Ray (to staffer): “Do you have Air Bud?”
    • Staffer, misunderstanding the bit, suggests they don't carry that kind of (bestiality) material. (34:32–35:14)
  • Carolla: “If you actually beat off to Air Bud... you have a still from the filming of Air Bud that’s in your back pocket, crumpled up, that you pull out. But you would never ask, like, the Terminator, ‘Have you seen this boy?’” (39:03)
• They riff on optimal “acceptable” time spent in the room providing a sample, and logistical and emotional challenges men face in clinics designed largely by and for women.
  • Carolla: “There is a thing that all doctors and all facilities need to understand... For others, it’s weird and it’s sensitive…They should give you a room that has like, padding, acoustic padding inside, and like double doored, like a studio.” (41:01)
  • Discussion of “stand up vs. backjacker techniques,” with laughs over men’s masturbation rituals and awkward physical settings.

6. “Kill the Boner” Stories (63:04–66:48)

• The panel shares personal stories about suppressing erections at the worst times:
  • Carolla details killing an accidental boner before a doctor’s exam by dropping down for push-ups:
    • “I just have never worked out and had a boner. And so it worked.” (64:18)
  • Pavich tells a tale about an accidental public display after a goodbye hug with his girlfriend.

7. News, Woke Politics, and Social Group Lumping (70:39–84:12)

• Rudy jumps into the news with a story on friction within the LGBTQ community and broader issues of lumping disparate groups together for political purposes.

• Carolla: “Was this ever gonna work where you take, like, eight separate groups and just put them all in one and go, that I represent all you?... They have different teams, they have different jerseys…” (71:02)

• Lively debate on Minnesota politics, mall demographics, and cultural differences.

• Critique of “gyno-fascism”—Carolla’s term for progressive political environments run predominantly by women:

  • “We decided it’d be a good idea if ladies ran everything. And it turns out they’re fucking things up up. Because they have a different brain than we have. ... There needs to be a little more testosterone mix in there.” (79:39–84:12)

• More riffs on ceremonial feminism, “addicted to love” music videos, and political optics.

8. Iconic One-Hit Wonders and the Fate of Jared Fogle (89:41–101:13)

• Long, comedic segment speculating about Jared Fogle’s post-prison career and the possibility of “Fat Jared” returning as a fast-food spokesman.
  • Carolla: “I’ve always said for a million years he should just be the spokesperson for Quiznos. ... We got a pedophile and he’s put the weight back on from eating our sandwiches because they’re so good. And that’s how confident we are in our product.” (100:00)
• Trivia and laughs over Lou Bega (“Mambo No. 5”), the Gin Blossoms, and Stone Temple Pilots.

9. Event Plugs and Farewells (101:13–end)

• Adam Ray, Rudy Pavich, and Adam Carolla share upcoming tour dates and promote their projects.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Adam Ray (Sperm bank story):

  • “I go, a lot of movies. He goes, is everything good? You got it? He goes, you got enough? And I go, do you got Air Bud?... The guy goes, oh, we do have… I don’t know if we have stuff like that.” (34:25–35:14)

• Adam Carolla (On mishaps):

  • “We did an entire live podcast, hour and a half long, out of the Belly Up out San Diego way, and none of it was recorded. Jesus. And it was a whole episode.” (07:46)

• Carolla on progressive cabinets:

  • “If I just said, look, I’m gonna go up there with five swinging cocks, someone would tap me on the shoulder and go, you gotta put a chick up there.” (81:40)

• Carolla on generational divides in porn:

  • “I had to walk to school in the snow… Us having to whack off to raft box porn, that’s kind of our story to pass on to the next generation. Like, you kids, you got it good. You don’t know how we had it.” (30:46)

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Important Timestamps

• 02:59 – Main show starts; intros and showbiz gripes
• 09:10 – Deep dive on idioms about “shit”
• 16:55 – Costco covers, celebrity magazine discussions
• 27:57 – Pre-Internet porn stories, raft box girls
• 31:54 – “Sperm Bank Horror Story” begins (feature segment)
• 41:01 – Carolla rants about clinic design and male discomfort
• 51:05 – Team transitions to broader news discussions
• 70:39 – News segment on LGBTQ politics and group dynamics
• 79:39 – Rant: “gyno-fascism” and gender quotas in politics
• 89:41 – Nostalgic reflection on 80s/90s models, one-hit wonders, and speculations about Jared Fogle’s future
• 101:13 – Tour plugs, show wrap-up

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Tone & Style

• Loose, irreverent, quick-witted: Classic Adam Carolla; punchlines punctuate rants; Adam Ray’s storytelling keeps the laughs rolling; Rudy Pavich’s news reads ground the show with just enough real-world relevance.
• Candid, unfiltered humor: Touches on uncomfortable topics without apology (beware: adult language and themes).
• Nostalgic and observational: Show balances nostalgia for pre-digital days with incisive contemporary commentary.

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This episode is packed with classic Carolla “guy talk,” riotous anecdotes, and trenchant societal jabs, making it must-hear for fans of comedy that isn’t afraid to be honest, absurd, or even a bit crude. If you tune in for the “Sperm Bank Horror Story,” you’ll likely stay for everything else.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Well, in this episode, Adam Murray, very funny comedian, is back. Rudy Pavich, very funny comedian, is back doing news as well. We'll do all that right after this.

[Dawson]

The ace man's back in Boston at the Wilbur theater on Thursday, November 6, then Friday, November 7 in Buffalo, New York at Electric City on Saturday. He's down in Duluth, Georgia, appearing with Megyn Kelly at Gas South Arena. Get tickets for these shows and [e-mail].

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Dawson]

From Corolla One studios in Glendale, California, this is the Adam Carolla Show. Adam's guest today, Adam Ray. Plus the news with Rudy Pavage. And now, with the passage of Prop 50, his new congressional district is going to be in Nevada. Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, get it on. Got to get on that church because you may need to get it on now. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for telling a friend. We love that about you. Adam Ray is in studio.

[Adam Ray]

Hello.

[Adam Carolla]

He's on tour as we speak. Rudy Pavich is in studio as well. He's going to be doing the news. Adam is headlining clubs and theaters all over the country. I'm Actually going to be at the Wilbur Theater in Boston tonight as you hear this. That's a great.

[Adam Ray]

I'll be there in January at a second show.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you did?

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's great. It's a great. You ever been there before?

[Adam Ray]

I've been there to when our pal Dana Carvey was doing his Netflix special there, I think. White and 60, is it called?

[Dawson]

Or.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, something like.

[Adam Ray]

Something about I'm white. And by the way, I want to do a specialist Joe Biden and call it Am I. Am I White or Am I Wrong? But I'm serious. But yeah, it's. I was at Laugh Boston, the comedy club in Boston, and Dana was there doing a special, and he got in the day before and was like, can I come by with my family to see your show and hang? And I go, yeah. And obviously due time, there's no reason for you to be at this club. And they'll freak out and it'll be great. He's like, yeah, is that cool? Just do like 10 minutes. I go, no, no, no, do. I'll do 45. You do whatever you want. And he did 45. And then we went up together and like jammed for about 30 and. And we taped the whole thing. And then I get off stage and the young kid behind the counter goes, hey, man, I'm so sorry I didn't hit record on the audio. And I go, of course you didn't. I go, this is your fourth day. He goes, second. I go, damn it, your name's Gabe. He goes, connor. I go, pretty much the same thing.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah. Shit.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Adam Ray]

But great theater. So, Dan, I went and saw him do his special there, and it was phenomenal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Yeah, I had that happen at the Belly up the last few times I went there, sort of someone forgot to hit record.

[Adam Ray]

You just can't assume anymore. I mean, it's. It's. Why when Rudy started taping shows for me, it was like, oh, I need to start having. You have to. You can't just rely on the club. Whatever they have, even if they are like, we have a three camera set up. You're like, two of them always probably don't work right. And they go, how'd you know? You go, because it's you guys.

[Adam Carolla]

What. What came first is this proliferated by us not being able to yell at people anymore. Like, people fuck up and you can't say anything. I just had this. I had this. This is my thing. This is my thing. I was telling someone to do something they didn't do a Good job. They did a bad job. And then I said, hey, fix it. I, like, do a good job. And then as I was walking away, I heard a woman go, there's no pleasing Adam. And I said, there is a version. There is a pleasing me. You can fucking just do the thing I told you to do, and then I shall be pleased. If you're gonna work under the auspices of there's no pleasing me, then we're in a weird place in society. But I've got the there's no pleasing. And I'm like, my answer is, why don't you try doing whatever it is I told you to do correctly, and then I won't have to come back and finish whatever it is you started but didn't do. Yeah. And then we'll see if I'm pleased or not. But let's test it out.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, that sounds like a difference of opinion and also just a lack of accountability. And it's like, you can yell at the. I've gotten frustrated people for, you know, at POD Studios, they. They. They only get one of the four cameras that you pay for. Whatever. But then there's a certain thing of, like, what is. It's not going to change anything. It's like, my. You know, my. My grandma was on these weird blood thinners, and they put her on the wrong thing, and she ended up, like, falling out of the car, and it should have just been a fall, and then she, like, bled out, and my mom was like, yeah, I could probably sue. Like, but that's not going to bring her back. So same thing with, like, scream. Like, I always try to pick my battles and go, is it yelling at the Delta Airlines gal, like, going to change? And. No, but, like, sometimes there are teachable moments that I think everyone needs to. Citizens arrest is tough. Now, if I'm poking on the back of your seat too hard on the TV screen and you turn around and you scream at me and you go, hey, don't. And I say, hey, man, I am down to go into the bathroom right now and fight you or start making out. Either way, I'm not gay. But I'll get gay right now if I say that I think I'm warranted because you turn around, you freaked out. Now, did this happen four weeks ago on a Southwest flight? Potentially. I'm just bringing it up because I'm trying to make small talk with my buddies. But my point is, pick your battles.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I.

[Adam Ray]

Who are you guys voting for?

[Adam Carolla]

I agree.

[Rudy Pavich]

I'm also amazed at how. Because where I'm at, like, middle of the road. I. I always looked at guys in your positions and went, oh, once you get to that level, nothing gets fucked up anymore.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, no, it's perfect.

[Rudy Pavich]

And then I realized once I started working with guys that are at your level, oh, everything gets fucked up.

[Adam Ray]

Still, it doesn't matter.

[Adam Carolla]

We did an entire live podcast hour and a half long out of the Belly up out San Diego way, and none of it was recorded. Jesus. And it was a whole episode.

[Dawson]

Let's be clear. Dawson was not.

[Adam Carolla]

Dawson did not do it. Dawson did not do it.

[Adam Ray]

And see, there we go. Lesson learned, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

You can't.

[Adam Carolla]

All Dawson did was sabotage the equipment so he would be sure to be asked at the next one. But it was not. But here's the whole point. You do think, like, you go, oh, I remember the. Oh, that thing I said, you know, do you go back and relive some of those golden moments you had with Dana Carvey that'll never be captured again?

[Adam Ray]

Oh, we did a whole. My friend Avery was also there that I used to bring on the road. And after I do my hour, we do about 20, 30 minutes of improvised musical crowd work off the crowd. And he was there, and he did a kind of a John Lennon, and I was doing, like, Ringo. And we did a whole 15, 20 minute Beatles rant making up Beatles songs.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dawson]

Golden.

[Adam Carolla]

It murdered.

[Adam Ray]

And it was all. I didn't even have the audio on my phone, which I always do, because I just was like, oh, they're going to capture it all here, whatever. And I just wasn't thinking when Danny came back out, but I was like, oh, yeah, it'd be awesome to have. It'd be awesome to have that. I think about that. Anytime somebody brings up the Beatles, I think about that.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

So I can't think about the Beatles anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

All in the dustbin of history now. All right, let me ask you guys this. I've often thought about, like, sayings and ones that don't really make sense. And they. A lot of them. The three. There's three big ones that involve shit that don't make any sense. Oof.

[Adam Ray]

I've got one too.

[Adam Carolla]

One is don't bullshit a bullshitter. Cause you're now have included yourself as a bullshitter. That's right. Don't bullshit. A bullshitter is up there with, I'll see you in hell. Just. Okay, so you'll be in hell for some time before I arrive. What did you do? What did you do, molest your daughter? Like, why are you in Hell, Why is that a threat? So like, don't bullshit a bullshitter means you're a bullshitter and I'll see you in hell. Means I'm going to hell. Maybe because of my constant bullshitting. But also means I'm gonna die first. Assume I assume I'll go first. I'll be in hell and then at some point you'll show up in hell and I'll be there and we'll both be tormented. But then there's the shit rolls downhill, which anyone who's ever been camping and tried to shit on a hillside knows it most assuredly doesn't like. You can kick it three times it of twigs and stops. Nothing rolls down a hill worse than if anyone's attempted to roll. Shit rolls downhill is not good.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The other shit related one is how.

[Adam Ray]

About I'm a creek without a paddle. Why are you in shit creek to begin with.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And why did you forget the paddle?

[Adam Ray]

And why'd you forget the paddle? All the things you should not forget. If you're going to a place and you hear about a creek filled with shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

And you voluntarily. Yeah. Go in it to swim, kayak, Whatever you are doing that requires a paddle and you didn't bring said paddle. Whatever shit you get covered in, whatever feces disease, great band name that you pick up is on you.

[Adam Carolla]

We're fast and loose with shit. And the other one that's no good is when you're dating someone from the office and they go doing shit where you work. Like first off, they're calling you having a relationship, the receptionist. Shitting.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Or shit where you eat. Sorry, don't shit where you eat. Sorry. Shit where you eat. I only shit where I eat unless I'm at a restaurant. I mean, I have a dining table that's about seven feet from the downstairs bathroom where the shitting takes. There's nothing. Everyone shits where they eat. Even rich people shit where they eat. They get a little further away from the table. But don't shit where you eat is a weird one to me because everyone I know shits where they eat.

[Adam Ray]

Flight attendants might be the best example. They're closest to the bathroom aside from the pilots and the snacks. Another one is they're only shitting and eating.

[Dawson]

When they say I don't give two shits.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

It implies they give one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah. And also, why don't you. Yeah. Like why stop at 2?

[Dawson]

Right.

[Adam Ray]

You don't get what I say. I don't give any shits.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't give a Half a dozen. Also, there's. You're right. And everything is bad with that guy. The shit eating grin. Who's happy about eating shit. If I ate shit, my hands would be going, how about this?

[Adam Ray]

How about shit for brains?

[Adam Carolla]

Shit for brain. Well, shit for brains could mean you have. You're not a clear thinker. Yeah, but shitting and grin suggests, like, you just took a bite off of smoking. You're like going here.

[Rudy Pavich]

You bring it full circle. It's. You got shit for brains. If you keep the door open while you're shitting. While I'm trying to eat where Adam is working.

[Adam Ray]

No shitting.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Rudy Pavich]

There's a lot in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Here's one that's. And poo related, but it's a little. Maybe in a different category. You bet your ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Who.

[Adam Ray]

Who what? Poker. What high stakes poker game involves someone offering up their anal virginity?

[Rudy Pavich]

Bet your ass and see you an ankle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So I was thinking in the don't bullshit a bullshitter category, which then makes you a bullshitter, which again, you're accusing someone of being bad, but you're also saying, I know it because I'm bad. It would not apply in any other facet. It wouldn't work. Like, you couldn't say, don't try to pedophile a diddler.

[Rudy Pavich]

Just like grandma used to say.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Don't try to out pedophile this molester. I know what you do. Like it doesn't work. You couldn't say it with arsonists. Like, don't try to out arson and arsonist or.

[Adam Ray]

I think that's what Fogel said to the feds when they were onto him.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't try it out pedophile.

[Adam Ray]

This is one sandwich. You don't know how it's made. Should I take a bite out of this six? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

When is Fogel getting out? Great question, by the way. And.

[Adam Ray]

And what's he doing?

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way.

[Adam Ray]

Having Subway at the party.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say this? If you. We live in a society where if you're some chick and you want that Mangioni kid to be freed. Judgment free. But if I make just one sign about Jared Fogle getting out of prison and standing in front of the courthouse, I'm judged.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

This guy assassinated a guy.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Yeah. Those kids are still alive. Let's get our priority. They're not only still alive, they're probably rich. Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

There's a payday.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah. Subway for life.

[Adam Carolla]

For life. They got that coupon Stamp. When is, when is. I mean, you know it's gonna be, you know. I don't know. I know Pete did. He may beat him out, but if.

[Rudy Pavich]

It'S five years, you have to sing it in the jingle of Subway going five. Five years. Five years out the clank or whatever it is. Yeah.

[Dawson]

He's supposed to get serve a minimum of 13 years.

[Adam Ray]

I bet we're on year 11. I bet he's got two more and maybe less.

[Dawson]

I believe 2015 was the year he went.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah. So he's two, three years away. Good God.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's book him.

[Adam Ray]

Oh my God. March 24th, first guest.

[Rudy Pavich]

2029. So yeah, got about four years to go.

[Adam Ray]

He's got. I mean the fact that he survived and he's not in some like Martha Stewart bb.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, he did take an ass kick not that long ago in prison though, didn't he? Wasn't there something about it?

[Adam Ray]

I don't know. That could be a rumor just to get his stock up.

[Rudy Pavich]

That could be. You're right.

[Adam Ray]

So we feel bad when he gets out.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah. Hard and criminal.

[Adam Carolla]

And is somebody going to.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, he wrote a letter that he royally screwed up. I mean, that's an understatement.

[Adam Carolla]

What's that letter? Beaten by fellow inmate Steve Nig.

[Adam Ray]

Careful.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ, it's only Wednesday. As a result, he sustained a bloody nose, scratches on his neck and swelling around his face while the attacker sustained cuts and bruises to in return. Nig's brother, Easy James stated that afterwards, Nig the TV off felt no regret and would have done it again if given the chance.

[Rudy Pavich]

If he comes out of the joint 30 pounds overweight, doesn't subway put up a side by side and say, see what happens when you get off our subs?

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, they might have to.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody's going to pick him up as a spokesman. Yep. And I don't know who but some crazy who's.

[Adam Ray]

I mean you think about the people that don't really market or advertise like Oreo used to be all in on like black parent, white kid, you know, they share the cookie. He teaches him how to dip the cookie. Maybe the kid teaches which side to twist off first. And it was like a real, a real piece of social commentary and. But you got maybe one of those every six to eight years. Costco. Never see a Costco commercial. Some people are just out there and they're like, you know where we are? And you have a card. You have a card to our house.

[Adam Carolla]

Costco. They have. They don't need commercials. They have infected people with their 99 cent hot dogs, which is enough to get people just sucked into that place. It's like the siren song of the 99 cent hot dog.

[Adam Ray]

And the TikTok family, right, has, you know, the dub, here comes the boom.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right. And also, that guy's got to go.

[Adam Ray]

To jail for something at some point. You know, abuse or just like raising the fattest kids who are so. I mean, maybe they're happy, maybe they get everything they want. But I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Jimmy Kimmel was on the COVID of the Costco magazine, like three years. That's all in a row.

[Adam Ray]

Like, literally, he loves Costco, right?

[Adam Carolla]

He's the Jared of Costco. It's been said many times. I don't know why he's bothered by that. He is the Jerry.

[Adam Ray]

I don't think you want to be the Jared of anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he's the Jared of Costco. I mean, he's like the mayor of Kirkland.

[Adam Ray]

Can't he be the Mayor McCheese of Costco?

[Adam Carolla]

He's the Jared of Costco. He's on how many cover shoots. I mean, he literally made it to the COVID of Costco magazine. And wow. Yeah, this, by the way, he's sitting.

[Rudy Pavich]

On a toilet in that photo.

[Adam Carolla]

But yeah, in his eulogy, he's going to want this mentioned long before the Oscars. Like, that'll come a distant second to hosting the Oscars four times. How. How many cover shoots did he make is the question. Because. And who else made the COVID And is there some sort of COVID curse like Madden?

[Rudy Pavich]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean, Karen?

[Rudy Pavich]

Acl.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Like get canceled by your affiliates. Like, I don't know who else was on the COVID of Costco. I didn't even know that they had. I think they just put a picture of a big screen with a hot dog next to it.

[Rudy Pavich]

Was Jared ever on the COVID That's a good question. Was he ever on the COVID of Costco? It would come full circle.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Also, you guys are too young. Like, Adam, you would be on the COVID of something now. But they don't really have covers anymore. There was a time, you know, when you would be on the COVID of something. Like, I wouldn't. I would be on the COVID of like Wired magazine or something. Like some deeper cut thing, you know, not. Not Sports Illustrated or Life or Time or something. But there was so many fucking magazines, like in the 90s that if you had a show on MTV, you would get onto the COVID of so Something. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Look at Henry Winkler on the COVID of, oh, Costco Connection. Now, what about highlights? Highlights never featured any Ranger Rick.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Who's that?

[Rudy Pavich]

Ranger. Ranger Rick. He was in the whole realm of highlights. Like, that was the kids magazine. Like, talked about nature and stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Rudy Pavich]

That's what you're talking about. Highlights.

[Adam Ray]

Ranger Rick sounds like the guy who molested you, Rudy. But also sounds like the guy. Then he told you to call him Ranger Rick. Yeah, you know, like, everyone like him.

[Rudy Pavich]

And his friend Jared.

[Adam Ray]

My dad had some friends that. My sister, to this day is like, we had to call that guy uncle, like, something. And I'm like, oh, yeah. Weird. I don't like that. I have friends now that will have their kids call me uncle, whatever my name. And. And I guess I'm fine with that, but it's like, I don't know the kids well enough yet.

[Adam Carolla]

I. Listen. I don't like it. I talk to people all the time. No, Jimmy. All right, so wait a minute. That shop. No, no, someone photoshopped that, but it's.

[Adam Ray]

Actually back in bulk.

[Adam Carolla]

But was Oprah on the COVID And was Guy Fieri.

[Adam Ray]

Well, Oprah was on the COVID of her own magazine.

[Adam Carolla]

Oprah has never missed a cover of her own magazine. Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Maybe Gail slipped in there once just to be like, we're not gay.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I remember keeping track of Oprah's magazine, and she made every cover.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So Guy Fieri made the COVID This.

[Adam Ray]

Is quite the roster.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's a who's who, Jared.

[Adam Ray]

Now it's like, who hasn't been on Lori Loughlin?

[Adam Carolla]

So used to be able to get onto the COVID of a magazine, and it actually meant something. Totally. It was one of the realizations. I knew my dad wasn't a fan of mine. So we were at the small little market on Beechwood Canyon. There's a little market.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, yeah. Right next to the birds and the ucb Right there.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no.

[Adam Ray]

Birds.

[Adam Carolla]

And UCB is on Franklin.

[Adam Ray]

Yes. There's a cool market right around the corner there. Frank Gilson's.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, not that one. Sorry. Birds is the chicken place. And UCB is right next to Birds. Ucb. And it's Franklin. That's across from the Scientology celebrity Center.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, Beechwood's one more.

[Adam Carolla]

And then you go around the corner, there's a little deli market or whatever. They're great for sandwiches or whatever. No, this is up Beechwood all the way up toward the Hollywood sign, Right. Where it sort of breaks, spreads out, and there's a little Beechwood Market there. There's a little diner there. Cool. And I went there once with my dad because I lived up Beechwood. We were just walking around wanting to get a sandwich or something. I was checking out and paying. And they had the magazine rack that faced the register. And lo and behold, there was a magazine with me on the COVID of it.

[Dawson]

Oh my God.

[Adam Carolla]

And my dad walked up to the rack, sort of previewed or purveyed and. And looked at the rack, and he spotted me on the COVID of one of the magazines and he slid it up out of the shelf and he looked at it. He looked at the COVID for a couple beats. I was just paying for the food, but I started looking at him. Well, his back was kind of to me, so he didn't see me looking at him. And he looked at it for like two beats. And he dropped it back in the slot and then walked back over to the register. And I was like, you want to crack it? Like, see what was in it? You didn't like do that thumb move where you went, what do we got here?

[Rudy Pavich]

He actually hid it behind so nobody would see it.

[Adam Carolla]

World's funniest son. What is this article? It's like he literally just looked at it, went, eh, not for me. And like dropped it, dropped it back in, and then walked over to the register and didn't say anything. Right. And then I was like, all right, we got our sandwiches, like, yeah, all right, let's go. And we just walked out. And I was like, he's gonna say something like, did you get the magazine? Or what was it? Yeah, never said a word. Wow, that's what I really like.

[Rudy Pavich]

Did you see that cigar aficionado with Bill Clinton?

[Adam Carolla]

Schwarzenegger was on the COVID two years in a row. Right.

[Adam Ray]

By the way, I'm. I'm working on some with Jimmy. And so I texted him the picture and said, kroll just pulled this up. I said, this is our version of Tiger Beat. And he said, hahaha. Another friend sent that to me yesterday, so for some reason.

[Rudy Pavich]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yesterday?

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, this.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, somebody cooked that up yesterday because it's. It's Costco news.

[Adam Ray]

Or is. I mean, how does that.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you show him the hunky one?

[Adam Ray]

No, the Kimmel bulks up. The old one. This one.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, somebody sent me that yesterday. Weird. Yeah. The great. The great magnet.

[Adam Ray]

The great. I mean, it is a. I don't know if it's a sad thing that we've. Celebrity has become so diluted that the magazine cover doesn't Mean as much because it was a kind of a cool time. Like, I don't, you know, not that I frequented magazine stands a lot, but, like, it was cool to, you know, I used to have these beckets when card trading was a big deal. It was. It was the. Basically the magazine that would show you the value of the cards, right? And you know, when Ken Griffey Jr. Would be on the COVID or Frank Players, you. It was a big deal to even see them on the COVID because you're like, oh, man. They like, they must think it's cool because they took the time to pose for a picture to be on the magazine. And then you would see, yeah, like, I don't know, like Tony Robbins on a Home and Garden. And you're like, all right, I guess, like, now I got to read Home and Garden. Because if Tony's with it, you know, if you're a Tony fan. Yeah, Wolfgang Puck would be on like a, you know. I don't know, you know, pornhub. I don't know what. What other magazines. Only Sports, Illustrator.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's all weird and ruined.

[Adam Ray]

Even those probably don't mean as much what's Illustrated.

[Adam Carolla]

They started doing the trans thing and then they start putting fat chicks on there. And we just sort of went that.

[Adam Ray]

Tuned out.

[Adam Carolla]

We're tuned out.

[Adam Ray]

But also the amount of porn and lack of clothing images are so at your disposal that I think, like, those magazines even. There's gotta be somebody out there that was like, I used to buy those in. Oh, I had 15 different descriptions of the 25 different names.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, people have no idea what porn was and sort of what its value was and the lengths that men would go to obtain and hang on. And, you know, I mean, I found a picture. I found a newspaper when I was walking to school at Walter Reed Elementary School. When I was walking there, I found they used to have those nudie newspapers. Like, they would have vending machines out on the street, like, Weird Star Hollywood. And it was like topless chicks. And in the back was all escort services or whatever, but we'd just get them just to see the pictures. But there was a black and white newspaper picture of Adrienne Barbeau from Maude topless on a crinkled up piece of. And I, like, got it out and, like, brought it home and put it between two sheets of glass. And it was like. It was like you could see the pixels. The pixels were bigger than her nipples, you know, like super grainy newspaper. I hung onto that shit for, like three years because that's, like, what I had.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah. Elaine's Christmas card. Seinfeld sticking under a mattress.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm telling you, I used to go into the Big Five in Studio City just to visit my lady friend on a raft box. They had a raft box with a hot chick floating in the pool in a bikini, and I'd just go check her out.

[Adam Ray]

Now, where are those people? Like, where's the VH1? Where are they now? On the raft. Rei, you know, hot girl, outdoors, camping, to make the guys go. Maybe she is out there in the woods.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, where is. Where do you guys stand on masturbation to a porn star that's expired. She's dead. Is that rude, or is it the ultimate homage?

[Adam Ray]

I think it's the ultimate homage.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah, I think the way they would have wanted it.

[Adam Ray]

I don't think you do it at the funeral.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. We do it at the wake.

[Adam Ray]

Unless it's, like, on the invitation, it says there will be a group jerk commencing shortly after punch. By the way, Jimmy said his oldest friend from kindergarten, Jimmy Paul Kaplan, sent it to him. And really, I go, man, yesterday, I go the deep cut. Friends find everything, which is true. Better for worse. They know everything. That is. I mean, I guess, you know, Costco over. You know, if you're gonna be the. If you're gonna be on the Sam's Club. Never did that. And, you know, let it be known. This is why they're. They're Sam's Club.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

You know, also, you know, anytime you're going, fantastic. Sam's, like, do we ever meet that guy? Do we ever know who the Sam of Sam's Club is now? You know, if you're going to do that. Like, Dave Matthews Band. We know who Dave is. He's out and about. You know, fun guy Sam. Like, why aren't you taking this opportunity to do some spots? You know, let the people know, like, hey, Costco is just a brand.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but your.

[Adam Ray]

This is your club, dude. Don't you want to be at the precipice of, like, dude, we got fucking. Dude, we got pictures of girls on rafts in aisle 12. And, dude, we have a bucket of lotion on aisle 13. Come in, whack off. It's Sam's Club, baby.

[Rudy Pavich]

I don't know when you guys went to Vegas for the first time, but I went. I was 21, which was 2001, so there's. There's still not a lot of porn on the Internet that I'm allowed to watch yet. Can't afford the Internet at that age. But I took a lap at like, like, maybe 11pm I went one side of the strip and then up and down and just collected the little pamphlets that the Mexican dudes are slapping and they give you for the. And just stuck them in my bag. And that's what I jerked off to for about six months.

[Adam Ray]

Jesus Christ.

[Rudy Pavich]

Because I couldn't have. Well, I couldn't afford it.

[Adam Ray]

This feels like, take it to the grave ship.

[Adam Carolla]

I will.

[Adam Ray]

And the training rookie card in there. And I just, you know, I didn't have time to pull my pants up.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah. I shoplifted a Beckett. And I tell you, those things were worth a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

So this is all we got in terms of. I think this is our modern. I had to walk to school in the snow.

[Adam Ray]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

We didn't have your new fangled. Whatever. We had to go out, you know, and milk the cows in the morning. We don't do it. But us having to whack off to raft box porn, that's kind of our story to pass on to the next generation. Like, you kids, you got it good. You don't know how we had it.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, the imagination, too. Like, I feel like I got a pretty creative mind for the arts and for our biz, but, man, when it comes to just, like, using the imagination, can't do it. Had to go where, you know, we're getting, I think, to the point of trying to have some kiddos. And. And I went to get my swimmers checked, and I walk in and, you know, it's already a little uncomfortable. And the girl hands me a little cup and goes, you. You can do it in this. And I was like, you said that, like, there was another option. Like, there's some little Filipino guys walking around, like. Or my hand, it was a coffee cup. And so I go, okay. And I go. And there's just the oldest looking little TV that looks like it was, like, a monitor that, like, your stepdad bought to, like, go with your computer because you're like, I need. And he, like, didn't have a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

He's like, yeah.

[Adam Ray]

He's like, I don't have a lot. But I wanted to. Like, it's like when my mom dated this guy and he, like, knew I was in band and I wanted to play the sax, and he bought me a sax. But it, like, he definitely found it on the side of the freeway.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Adam Ray]

The reed was still wet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Like, you know what I'm saying? I was like, howard, this is not the gesture you think it is. But so So I go, I open the drawer and there's like a thousand movies in there. I mean, every. I was like, you know I only have one dick, right? There was, you know, black, Asian, dwarf.

[Adam Carolla]

Are these DVDs?

[Adam Ray]

DVDs?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

No DVD player, by the way. So now it's. You're just. Swear to God, like, I'm like, oh, I have to like go out and ask like, hey, can you bring in a DVD player? And by the way, can it be like, you know, past 2010? Because the old models run a little bit slower and got this on Blu ray and I'm a little uncomfortable. So I go, the guy was by, he's like, is everything good, by the way? No lotion either. Just soap. And I.

[Adam Carolla]

No lotion.

[Adam Ray]

So I said to the guy, yeah, I should say this.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute.

[Adam Ray]

This was an ARCO gas station. But it was.

[Adam Carolla]

But I was gonna say this place didn't.

[Adam Ray]

It was a very legit place, by the way. Not gonna put him on blast, but like, supposed to be pretty great.

[Adam Carolla]

And was the room a bathroom? Yeah, I've done this.

[Adam Ray]

There was two. And there was two different rooms. There was a pee room and a cum room. And I had to pee. And she goes, do you mind doing. I can't believe I forgot this detail. Do you mind doing your sample? I go verbatim. And I feel like she made me say this. I go, I can't come around my pee.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Rudy Pavich]

Okay.

[Adam Ray]

And now look, do I regret saying that to probably a 27 year old gal who is in her fourth week there?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Adam Ray]

Yes, but you forced me to do this.

[Adam Carolla]

She wanted you to beat off and then pee.

[Adam Ray]

Hey, welcome back to no thanks. Yeah, and also impossible. Yeah, there's no way it was going to happen.

[Adam Carolla]

The P was already chambered. Yeah, it's like it's locked and it's loaded.

[Adam Ray]

It's like if Jordan's in midair and he's about to dunk, you think at the last second he's going to throw an alley oop to John Paxton?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he did do one of his most memorable moves where the was dunking and then sort of went with an alley.

[Adam Ray]

Bad example.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, it's good. If you fall back and watch that. He could have just dunked it, but he could have. Yeah. You're chambered.

[Adam Ray]

I'm chambered.

[Adam Carolla]

So.

[Adam Ray]

So I do one and do the other. But I'm. I go, when I get a little uncomfy, I just immediately I'm in the bit boat. I'm trying to make Jokes to. To make myself comfy. And so I say the guy. I go. I go, a lot of movies. And he goes. He goes, yeah, everything good. And I go, DVD player would be cool. Soap we've all used in, you know, when push comes to shove and shove comes to push, but, you know, It's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's no Lou. Almost 20. DVD player. Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

And I'm like, I just, like, I'm just.

[Adam Carolla]

My brain is clouded with that equals no tip.

[Adam Ray]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. Oh, yeah.

[Adam Ray]

And by the way, and if you're tipping in a sperm bank, yeah, you were raised right. But so. So I go, a lot of movies. He goes, is everything good? You got it? He goes, you got enough? And I go, do you got Air Bud? Now, when you don't know someone's comedic sensibility and you make a joke, you just assume. Like, at least for me at this point, I'm like, I trust it. Like that felt like it was a joke. I would say nine out of ten times you say, do you have Air Bud? That the person's not going to assume you're into bestiality. Well, on this occasion, the guy goes, oh, we do have. I don't know if we have stuff like that.

[Rudy Pavich]

We got Joanna.

[Adam Ray]

Man, did you guys hear what I just said? I don't know if we have stuff like that until then. Which I go, oh, hey, man, that was a joke. That's a movie about a dog playing sports, right? That I don't get hard to. So then he goes. He goes, oh, okay, I don't. He goes. And then afterwards, I was walking out, I go, I can't. But I just have to say, I can't believe you thought that I wanted to jerk off to a dog. And he goes, a lot of people come in here asking for weird stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

BetterHelp. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. This time of year, the sun decides to check out early dark at 5 o'. Clock. Feels like midnight. That's funny. Somebody just told me that yesterday. She said, oh, I hate it. Makes me depressed. Yeah, messes you up. Screws up your mood a little more than you think. So maybe it's time to reach out. Call an old friend or check in on mom. Grab lunch with someone you haven't talked to in months. I did that recently. Caught up with an old buddy. It's nice. Feels good, Have a laugh. Swapped a couple old stories and walked away thinking, why don't I do this sooner? Because I think everyone feels that way. Same goes with therapy. It feels weird to start, but Once you do, you wonder, well, what did you wait for? Better help makes it easy. Fill out a short questionnaire. They'll match you with a licensed therapist. And their thing is matching people right the first time so they get it right the first time. And if it's not a fit, you can switch anytime. No awkward breakup speech required. Over 30,000 therapists, 5 million people helped. That's right. And 4.9 out of 5 stars, that's the rating. So it's no fluke. So stay connected to your people and to yourself. It's BetterHelp.

[Dawson]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Dawson]

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[Adam Ray]

I look at look at first that sucks that you're even looking me in the eyes and thinking that that was a possibility.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me just say this about that. And you should have asked him if he had that Disney one about the mule the kick field goals.

[Adam Ray]

Do you have the one where Tony Danz is a garbage man.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't have going ape with Danny DeVito and maybe Tony Danza?

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, I think so. I don't remember if the chicken my own.

[Adam Carolla]

What about the one where yeah, he played third base for the Angels or something. The chimp with Matthew. What?

[Adam Ray]

Matthew LeBlanc from Friends.

[Adam Carolla]

What was that? Mike wasn't going a monkeing around. All right, listen, I'll take anything from the Any which Way But Loose trilogy with Clyde.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Rudy Pavich]

Left turn.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing about that, like, what you're asking for, like, if you were legitimately going, I need Air Bud, you bring that yourself. That is drugs. You know what I mean? What I'm saying is, if you got a heroin habit, it's a heroin habit. But you don't fly to Chicago and go find a TSA guy and go, excuse me, I'm looking to pick up some heroin. That shit is in your sock or up your ass like you know it. But it's a secret thing. If you actually beat off to Air Budget, A, you know, they don't have it in the rack, and B, you don't want them to know that's what you're into. You have a still from the filming of Air Bud that's in your back pocket, crumpled up, that you pull out. But you would never ask, like the.

[Adam Ray]

Terminator, have you seen this boy? You're like, do you know this movie? And can you not say to anybody, but I thought Air Bud was a jokey enough way to be, you know? It's not like he could have had that response if I was like, hey, do you have any sort of like, dog on guy, horse on girl, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Ed, by the way, is the name of that movie with Matt LeBlanc and the weird chimp.

[Adam Ray]

Not to be confused with Mr. Ed.

[Adam Carolla]

That's all that I know. That's ed from Matt LeBlanc. And then there was Going Ape. And there's some. There is a Danny DeVito, Tony Danza.

[Adam Ray]

Holy shit. Now, is this. This is during Friends. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

They must have paid him 10 million to do this.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, like, you realize, like, the 90s seems like 250 years ago. Like, there's tons of movies. You were like, what the fuck were we. How'd this get greenlit? This is made by Paramount. You know, it's like 1,000%. Like, why? Yeah, and what's the story? He's a chimp that plays for the Angels or something? Okay, let's get back to this. I want to ask you this. I got a lot of questions. I had to do this myself. Yeah, first things first. They'll put you in a room that is five feet off the receptionist desk where the two chicks are just gabbing away about fucking nothing. And it's like the place I went to used to have shag carpet. Now they Got tile, but the door's been undercut.3 inches to clear the shag. And there's just 3 inches of daylight through a hollow core door. And you just go in there and shut the door and you can hear every fucking word they're saying through the door. Like you have to. There is a thing that all doctors and all facilities need to understand, which is this may be a Monday through Friday, no big deal. Five days a week, 40 hours a week for you. For others, it's weird and it's sensitive and you like. Like there are times, like I've had doctors, you know, doctors go, yeah, just drop your pants and just say, you know how this goes. And I go, I don't know how it goes. Like, this hasn't happened. Like, this is you. This is your eighth one today. But for me, it's all territory. And you should be sensitive to that. They should give you a room that has like, padding, acoustic padding inside and like double doored, like a studio. Like when you do VO work. Like you open one door and then another door shuts and you can hear your own breath in there. And there could be a sonic boom outside, it wouldn't make it inside. And there's a big thick sweep on the door that just shuts, like hermetically sealed in there so you can hear nothing from the outside world, Number one. Number two, you gotta have lube. Number three, you gotta have a DVD player if you're gonna have DVDs. But number four, and I don't know if you got into this, but I got into this, which is okay. Women are in charge of sussing all this stuff out with the clinic and the doctor, whatever. They go ahead and they go, I talked to the clinic, blah, blah, blah. And then you go, okay, so could I just rub one out in the sanctity of my own bathroom or bedroom? And then we'll bring it. They said if it's further than 20 minutes away. And you go, well, it's not that far. It's an Encino. It's 23 minutes away. And it's like, okay, first off, I'm a professional race car driver. You fucking wait till you see me drive. I'll fucking fire up Paul Newman's 9:35.

[Rudy Pavich]

Amateur Masturbator. Pro Race car driver.

[Adam Carolla]

Pro race car driver. And they're like, if it's further than 20, by the way, when they say, if it's further than 20 minutes, they mean an hour. Cause they do every. They, Every doctor, every physician, every anything. Like, if you Go, oh, look, here's the test. And here's what I say to people all the time. Anyone who has anything to do like a procedure, the next morning, the dentist, whatever they're gonna put you under, whatever that thing is, they'll go, they go, no liquid or no food after midnight the night before. We need you in the office by 7:00am will probably prep. We'll start the procedure at 8:00am you go, okay, so nothing after midnight. Fine. At some point, five years later, you'll have some sort of procedure scheduled for three in the afternoon. They'll go, nothing after midnight. Then I go, no, no, no, no, because that's nothing after midnight, eight in the morning and nothing after midnight, three in the afternoon. That's a different, that's more, a lot more hours. According to my math, I should be able to eat at 6am and they just go, nothing. Don't donate. And by the way, if you smoke one cigarette a year, you're a smoker. If you drink two fucking light beers a month, you're a drinker. And there's just no alcohol. No, it's like, yeah, just one beer after that. No, no, no, no. So, so they just. How they work and then they get with the women and then the women just become verbatim what they say. So I lived like 27 minutes from the clinic, but 20 minutes is where the jizz would turn into a pumpkin in the mice.

[Adam Ray]

Judy Bloomberg.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes, yes. My. The squires were turned back into mice. And I, I was like, let me just rub it out. I'll do it in the end. I'll do in the driveway of the house. I'll do it in the car. If you have to, I'll do in the, I'll do it in the driver's seat of the car. Don't think I can't.

[Adam Ray]

I, I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

I drove a pickup truck. I was on Mulholland and rubbed one off on the way to Const at 7am in Malibu back in the day. Don't think I can't fucking get one off. A fucking five speed too. Not even an automatic. So I can. No, no, you gotta do it there, you gotta do it there. And then you get there and it's an extra thing because, look, they probably know who you are. They recognize. You know, for me, this is 20 years ago. I'm right off the man show and MTV and I'm in town, Loveline, you know, walking. They know who you are. They're in the demo, they're right outside. I can hear him talking on the phone the whole time. But there's this thing, Adam and Rudy, like, I. I want to know what is the acceptable amount of time to be in there?

[Adam Ray]

Because I thought you're gonna say how much jizz. Sorry, I went over. You got another one.

[Adam Carolla]

I. Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Put in the peacock. Come in the peacock.

[Adam Carolla]

You do that move they do with the butter knife on October, where I just scoop that. You do the head. You know, we just do that. Yeah, we do that.

[Adam Ray]

There's got to be somebody. And I'll let you get back to your question, but there's got to be somebody in the history of the banks that has filled up more than they're allotted. Like, they've just given back too much. And I just want to be a fly on the wall to see the guy or gal's face when they come in and just go, here you go. And the guy's, like, working on something else. He goes, thanks, man. Oh, my God, dude, that's. How many guys did this? It was just me, man. I stocked up for today.

[Rudy Pavich]

It's been a while.

[Adam Carolla]

What is. Well, so the question is, is if you could go in there and just rub one out. 45 seconds. It seems weird to rush back out. Like, I kind of remember anyone who knows anyone's a really shit student who gets, like, a test administered to them and has no intention on they're not going to pass or whatever, does a thing where they sort of pretend to read and then pretend to think. And then at some point, you just look over at the Asian kid's desk next year and go, what do they take? All right, but you go, I can't just write something down. I gotta look like I'm going through the motion. If you're in there for an hour, it's weird and embarrassing, but if you're in there for 30 seconds, it's like, what is that time? Is it.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, Great question.

[Adam Carolla]

I think one REO Speedwagon song. One ballad. Like, just one slower REO Speedwagon song.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, Maybe like the radio version of Tupac's Changes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. One four and a half minute song.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, I think I was.

[Adam Carolla]

Because if it's 40 seconds, that's weird.

[Adam Ray]

Maybe Daughters from John Mayer Live.

[Adam Carolla]

But yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Five years into playing it, so it was like, not too.

[Adam Carolla]

He found moments. He found moments.

[Adam Ray]

I think it was. I was probably once. I realized once. I had gone out once to ask for a DVD player. Then I came back, then went back out and asked for lotion. I had reached my.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't believe yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Believe it.

[Adam Carolla]

They would make you do that.

[Adam Ray]

Believe it. And. And just walk. You already feel. The waiting room is one door away. My wife is right outside there. At one point, I was just like, do you just want to come in and help me out here?

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

And. And so we're.

[Adam Carolla]

So.

[Adam Ray]

I didn't want to go back out and be like, you know, do you have. What's the WI Fi password? You know, do you. You know, did. If I. You know, you already asked me to the p. Come thing. There was a lot going on, so I had. I had to get my bearings and, like, just drown out the noise. There was, like, a little bit of a discrepancy happening right outside the door between a couple of employees. So that starts to get into my head. It reminded me of when I used to live on the brae and waring across from Pinks, and there was a homeless guy that always lived in my bushes. And literally, right. Like, let's say if you looked. And let's say Dawson was. Was me, and that was my window facing Waring. And let's say I'm a homeless guy in the bushes.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Adam Ray]

Right outside directly. And every other day he'd be like.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, you don't even know what time.

[Adam Ray]

It is, do you?

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Do you?

[Adam Ray]

And I'm like, maybe he's practicing a monologue. Everyone's an actor out here. And he would always scream. And more often than not, it would be around the time when I was, you know, having some me time.

[Adam Carolla]

Time, right?

[Adam Ray]

And it got to a point to where, like, I was like, well, now I need this guy's screaming to be a part I'm conditioned to. I can't finish unless this guy's going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, right? So I'd see him in the bushes, get my pants down, put on some Phil Collins, light a candle. I'd be like, get a job, you piece of.

[Adam Carolla]

He was like, you.

[Adam Ray]

I was like, here we go. You know? So I. I didn't want that to be the case with the. The people fighting. So I waited for them to, like, calm down because they were, like, talking too loud. Finally got to, like, where it was quiet, then it was too quiet to where I was like, are they listening outside the door and waiting for me? Are they like, why didn't he pick a movie yet? You know? And then. And then by that time, I just came out of.

[Rudy Pavich]

Did they not let you take your phone in there?

[Adam Ray]

Like, I have my phone. That's what I ended up using.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Ray]

What about just Pull up Adam's old headshots.

[Adam Carolla]

What about the backjacker guys? Like, how are they supposed to capture what? Well, you're looking at one of them, sir.

[Rudy Pavich]

Well, use the back of your hand. It's weird.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it is. The guys who lay down and have to kind of point their toes and kind of plank out like a reverse plank, you know, like when I started my illustrious career in beating off, I had to lay it out. I wasn't. I couldn't stand up. Rub one out in the shower, guys. I was a back guy.

[Adam Ray]

No, standing up is not ideal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, I'm saying if you would have got hold of me when I was 16 and said, you got to do a sample, I'm like, well, we're gonna have to figure this out because I can't do it standing up. Later on. You kind of work it out now. I could do it being chased by a bear down a trail at night.

[Adam Ray]

And that's good, doesn't it? I mean, Steve O's falling out of planes.

[Adam Carolla]

I could do it at the free throw stripe with the guys banging thunder sticks together and waving.

[Adam Ray]

Did you hear that, Clippers? You have new in game entertainment.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I could get one off. But, like, when I was, like, in high school, I needed space and room. I had to do a little toe point lock.

[Adam Ray]

Temperature had to be right.

[Adam Carolla]

Check the barometric pressure and the humidity. Check the wind sock. Check the crust sock. Check the hamper sock. Check all the socks.

[Rudy Pavich]

The white socks.

[Adam Carolla]

The white socks. So this stand up move is again, I don't know that 100% of males can do the stand by the sink move. Look, there are many dudes who can't take a piss at a urinal if someone else is in the building. You know what I mean? Like, there's a lot of shy bladder guys. It stands to reason that 10 or 15% of dudes can't just. You can't just say to a dude like, like, here's a Dixie riddle cup. There's a room with a hollow corridor. Your family's just going to be waiting in the reception room over here. So just go toss one off at 10:45 in the morning right over there. I don't know that everyone could pull that off. You're a performer. Obviously, you're a professional. You love the sound of the crowd.

[Adam Ray]

The chair also wasn't ideal, and you just reminded me about that, too, because that's. I think that's.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a chair.

[Adam Ray]

I went back and forth between standing and sitting because I Was just like. The chair was this weird oval to where, like, my.

[Rudy Pavich]

My.

[Adam Ray]

The. My base was wide, and I'm like. I never sit. Like, I'm a catcher, a backup catcher in a league of their own. I just was like, my legs were so. I was like. So then I stood up, and then by the time I stood up, then I was like, it's probably been like five or six minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you in that position that the catchers in for the ceremonial throwing out of the first pitch? Not a full squad. They're just kind of in a sort of prone.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Kind of position.

[Adam Ray]

I was in. Triple threat.

[Adam Carolla]

Going to throw it out. I'm not going to be down on the ground, but I'm not going to be standing there like. Like. Like that. That mo.

[Adam Ray]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

That move. I.

[Adam Ray]

It's just such a normal thing. I think that they. Guys and gals that work at these places, they're just like, yeah, like, you're a dude. Go in there. You know what to do. Like, don't. Don't glorify or glamorize this. Because as much as we want to and be like.

[Adam Carolla]

Like part of how much, like, spend.

[Adam Ray]

In there from start to finish. After I left to ask for, you know, more ingredients and I'd ask for.

[Adam Carolla]

The DVD player, I think I was.

[Adam Ray]

I was already there. And after she already asked me to come around my pee, the floodgates were open as far as where this relationship was headed. Yeah, the verbiage might have been a little different, but, yeah, probably from start to finish, I don't know, eight, nine minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

Me and Jimmy did a man show bit where we had a competition.

[Adam Ray]

That's great.

[Adam Carolla]

And we were in a facility, and we essentially tied. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I beat him by, like, eight seconds.

[Adam Ray]

Were you talking through the wall Love is Blind style?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. There was a hallway, and I basically won, but it's only because he took the time to pull his pants back up. Can't do that before he came out. Rookie mistake.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm shaving tents like an F1 driver, you know, every tenth, you know, so it was literally. Literally like. Like tied.

[Adam Ray]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's another thing. Do. As I recall, when I was doing the in vitro stuff, the deal was once you got the call, you got the call like somebody was ovulating and you got. It's go time. It wasn't like, we're gonna test your sperm. It's like, we gotta go. When you get the call, you gotta go now. And if you don't go now, they charge you for it. And I was working on a script once, and I thought of this bit. Maybe we can workshop it here. But I thought of this bit where it was the same thing. It's like the guy wanted to do it at home, but he couldn't do it at home because home was 30 minutes away and the clinic was across town. So he couldn't do it. He'd never been to the clinic. Whatever. Then he figured out that one of his buddies actually lived, like, four minutes from the clinic. But he didn't want to tell his buddy, but he knew his buddy was at work, and he knew the key was under the mat kind of thing. So he just let himself into his buddy's place because that was close to where the place was. But of course, his wife came home from work and interrupted the session. Wanted to know what the fuck he was doing, sweaty, like, standing in the bathroom with this guy's house at noon. So he said, fine, I'll go to the facility. I don't even know where it is. It's in some strip mall. He pulls into the strip mall and realizes where the fertility clinic is. Was the old hardware store his dad used to take him when he was a kid and his dad's passed away. And he pictured, like, he'd walk in there, and he pictured, like, old man Drucker behind the counter going, oh, boy, you're getting so tall. One day you're gonna be, you know, on his dad's shoulders, you know, as they walk through there and looked at all the tools. And he's like. Like, I'm not going to desecrate the memory of my dad with this. And his wife was like, we're on the clock. It's going to cost, like, you know, 3500 bucks if you don't produce something. Like, now he, like, ran out in the mini mall. Was like. Went to, like, the Chinese food place. Was like, you got. Can I use the bathroom? You know? And they're like, no, no, no, no, no. And he was like, look, he's, like, panicked and looking all point. And then at some point, he came back into the place with the visions of his dad and old man Drucker. And can't get it out of his head. And his wife's screaming, just go into the bathroom. Just do it. Just do it. Just take care of business. And he's in there and he's trying to picture women and sexy and stuff. But he keeps getting back to old man Drucker's face floating around in there. And then at some point, the. He focuses, he's like on his dad's shoulders and old man Drucker's there and he can't think. And then he sees like a hypoid saw up on the wall, like, all brand new, and he's like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's it. Oh, yeah. And he ends up beating off to a tool. No way. Essentially. And scene. But that was. That was kind of. That was kind of it. But I realized that could happen because the fertility clinic is new. Like, that's a newer thing. And the hardware store is like the old. That's the older part of this guy's childhood. But did you have the option, you didn't have the option of rubbing it out at home?

[Adam Ray]

No, no. Too far away. Had to be there. Yeah. They had to. What are they? Not to use their words. They had to taste it or is.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything, by the way, is every. Well, here's what I want to know. Yeah, I got hand surgery. A million. Does everything have to be maximum discomfort? And is it all driven by women? Because, like, I got my hand. I got hand surgery a million years ago. And when you get hand surgery, they lay you out on a table and they put one of those one by six, six foot sandwich boards, the big six foot sub boards she had to return for deposit back in the day. It's like a fucking five foot piece of siding. But she had to return it, you know, and. And they splay you out and they put your arms out like you're like. Like Jesus on the cross. And they strap your arm down because they don't want you. They're not going to do it by your side. They do it out and. And they don't want you flailing in your. When you're under. So they give you the fucking gown that ties in the back.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But when you get up, you have a club cast on your hand. You can't tie your ass's hand. Yeah, I'm wearing a pair of fucking midways. I go, give me the underpants. I go, why don't you just let me keep the underpants on and strap me out? They go, we need your underpants. I'm like, does everything have to be maximum discomfort? You know what I mean? Like, I'm guilty. Give me this fucking gown. I'm gonna be drugged up. There's gonna be that move where the three nurses come in. They go, we gotta get you out of the bed. I'm gonna be all groggy with a thing on my hand. And you know, my Fucking ass and back sacks just to be hanging out all over the place. Can I keep my underpants? You're working on my hand. I don't know what could get further away from my asshole right now. My hand. And they go, I swear to God, they go. I go, what would. What would be the harm in just letting me keep my underpants on? And they go, well, your underpants have elastic in the ban and there could be like an electrical surge and the underpants could catch on fire. And I go, why don't you give me a waiver to sign that says there'll be no suit? I will. I'm willing to roll the underwear. I'm willing to roll the dice in my underpants.

[Adam Ray]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, if that happens, that's God's will. I'm not even there to argue with that. I will sign a waiver that says I will not sue if my underpants go up in flames in the midd. That.

[Adam Ray]

Oh. In my old apartment complex in Lauren Hollywood, it was like Melrose Place. A pool in the middle of like apartments all the way around. And I bought these Target pool chairs when my buddies from Seattle came down. We're drinking beer, we're in the pool. There's a sign up that said, no lifeguard, no diarrhea. Right. Both those should be assumed.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Adam Ray]

And the landlord comes out and goes, adam, can you please get out the pool toys out of the. She was rushing. She goes, get the pool toys out. And I go, roxanne, it's. We're fine. We're grown man. She's like, there's no lifeguard. I go, yeah, there's also no diarrhe. But you know, that's one of those is going to happen. And she's like, well, you have to get out. What if you fall off and drown? This was her logic of the pool toys. We can't have a lawsuit. I go, roxanna, if I drown in this pool from falling off a target floaty pool chair, that's how I was supposed to go, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

You know what I'm saying? So like, sometimes you just got to go. This is. That was my story. So if your pants burn up and you got a up hand and the hand was. You had it worked on from what? From. From too much beaten off.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Too much clinic follow up question.

[Adam Ray]

You know how everyone. There's always the. The old urban legend of like thinking of your like grandma naked to get rid of like to. To suppress poll in the audience. Has anyone ever used that? And if not, what was your move to like, you know, you're in class, you're maybe on a date, wherever you.

[Adam Carolla]

Are, kill the boner.

[Adam Ray]

Kill the boner.

[Adam Carolla]

I had, I had a very distinct kill the boner moment in a doctor's office.

[Adam Ray]

Because some people don't want to use the grandma thing, I've heard, because they're like, well, what if I fucking. That doesn't work.

[Rudy Pavich]

Down.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Uh huh. Well, I was getting a physical. I'd get a physical once a year to play football. And I think it was in high school. And high school they don't really know what they're doing because what happens is the nurse comes in and goes, goes, all right, get down to your underwear. I'm going to go get the doctor. But that could be 20 minutes of you sitting in your underwear. And when you're in high school, you can't spend that much time in your underwear without getting a boner because you're just sitting there and I'm sitting in the doctor's office and go, I'll go get Doc. Get your underwear, I'll go get Doctor. And they just walk out. And after 10 minutes, I realized, oh, shit, I'm getting a boner. And then I realized, what am I gonna do with this boner? Cause this guy's gonna walk through the door any second, he's gonna tell me to pull my underpants down, he's gonna do the hernia thing, you know, and I'm gonna have a boner and it's gonna be super weird. So I started thinking about Adam's grandma, but she's hot. And I was like, wrong grandma. I know Adam's a little confused. And I thought of Rudy's grandma, who was young at the time, in inner prime, and it wouldn't work. I still had the boner. And then I had this thought. I thought to myself, when is the last time you ever had a boner working out? And the answer is never. And I just dropped down, started doing push ups. Whoa. And at first it hurt because my boner kept stabbing the tile. But I was like, I'm gonna kill my boner and I'm gonna get a nice pump going. If they feel like a guy comes in, you know, I'm in my underpants. It's like, someone's been working out. So I just got down and started doing push ups. And also I thought, like, what's the worst case scenario? I was playing high school football. Like, if the guy walked in, I'm doing push ups, he's A doctor. Hey, good for you. You know what I mean? I wouldn't get accused. And I just have never worked out and had a boner. And so it worked.

[Adam Ray]

Good for you.

[Rudy Pavich]

Speaking of boners in public, though, I was leaving Minnesota for like six months. I wasn't gonna see my girlfriend. And we went out to coffee that morning, and we're in the parking lot of Caribou, and I. And I give her a hug and I give her a kiss, and we sit there for five, 10 minutes. We're just chatting. I got my arms around her and I'm wearing, like, my workout pants, like my, you know, the kind of MC Hammer kind of got that real thin fabric. And I give her a kiss, and I'm like, well, I'll see you in a few months. And then I turn around, I start walking towards my car, and I see a kid in a van. And he's looking at me and he's laughing hysterically. And I don't understand. I'm like. I'm looking at him like, what is going? And then I look down, and sure as shit, I have like 3/4 boner sticking through my pants. And I realize, oh, shit, I totally.

[Adam Ray]

How did you not know? And how did this kid see it? From what distance did he have binocular? Why was this? You didn't know you had a boner, but you clocked this kid staring at your boner?

[Rudy Pavich]

I didn't realize that my shirt was. I had a longer sweatshirt on, and I thought the shirt was covering the boner. Not covering the boner. It was pulled up over the boner and it was sticking out as this. And he was like, 19, 20. I'm like, @ least it wasn't a child. He knows what's going on.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Little bit of new.

[Rudy Pavich]

It is.

[Adam Ray]

It is. Well, that's good to know that, like, you know, a gust of wind, a little side hug, and a smooch is enough for you to get a going.

[Rudy Pavich]

At 45 years old, I feel like, dude, that she's still, you know, the half. The flag is still at half mass all the time.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

Feels good.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so Rudy's got news. Now I got a boner, so I got to do some push ups. I'll think about Adam's grandma while I.

[Adam Ray]

Do some push ups. Thank you. We'll take Sylvia.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll take a quick break. We'll come back and do the news with Adam and Adam and Rudy right after this. OpenPhone. One of the tools I've seen personally make a difference for Business owners is quo, formerly OpenPhone. Same great system I've talked about. It's just got a new name. So here's the deal. If you're running a business, every missed call is money out the window. You don't get it back and you don't even know it. It's just gone. You missed it, you didn't get it. Think about it. There's a plumbing emergency. The first guy you call doesn't pick up. What do you do? Wait around? No, you do not. You move on to the guy who actually answers the phone. And that's why you need Quo. Quo, formerly Open phone, is the number one business phone system that makes it easier to keep you connected to customers. Works right through an app. App, phone, computer, no landlines, no second phone stuffed in your pocket. Whether you're solo and overwhelmed or running a big team and need better coordination, this is a no brainer. Over 90,000 businesses are already using Quo formerly open Phone. Right, Dawson?

[Dawson]

Get started for free. Plus 20% off your first six months at quo.com Adam that's Q U-O.com Adam and if you have existing numbers with another service, Quo will port them over at no extra charge. No missed calls, no missed customers.

[Adam Carolla]

Select quote well, time for some life talk. Life insurance talk, that is. You probably have it, but you don't actually know what you're paying for. Buying life insurance is like hiring a bodyguard for your bank account after you're gone. And if your coverage is through work, getting laid off could mean losing it completely. That's why I'm looking at select quote They've been around for over 40 years, helping millions of Americans get the right coverage for the right price. In about 15 minutes, a licensed agent compares top rated carriers and finds finds what fits your health and your budget. And they'll do it for free. They even got plans. With up to 2 million in coverage and no medical exam needed, life insurance is never cheaper than it is right now. So jump on this select quote they shop, you save. Right? Dawson?

[Dawson]

Get the right life insurance for you for less and save more than [e-mail] Corolla save more than 50% on term life [e-mail] Carolla today to get started.

[Adam Carolla]

Started.

[Dawson]

That's SelectQuote.com Corolla it's time to check Adam's voicemail.

[Adam Carolla]

Baseman two kids, zero umbilical cords cut. Let the doctors do it. Get it on.

[Dawson]

You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah another thing. Chicks trying to make you uncomfortable. My kids were born. You got to cut the umbilical cord. I don't want to. You got to do it. It's like, it's. Chicks just. You've got. It's like, I don't. I don't want to beat off. I don't want to cut any umbilical cords. Like, I don't want to do all this shit. And it's like, it's important. I don't know why, but maybe that's.

[Rudy Pavich]

Why he asked me to cut his kids umbilical cord. That was very nice.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, God.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. What do you got, Rudy?

[Rudy Pavich]

All right, so more gay people are speaking out against the gender ideology of trans and queer activists. More than three dozen in depth interviews with gay men, lesbian women, bisexuals, and transgender people, along with surveys and several new books, reveal a complicated relationship between the LGB and TQ components of what advocacy organizations and the Democratic Party refer to as LGBTQ people.

[Adam Carolla]

Can we. Was this ever gonna work where you take, like, eight separate groups and just put them all in one and go, that I represent all you? Because it always seemed weird that, well, this group's gay and this group's lesbian, and this group is trans and this group is bi curious or something? But why would they all be together? And why, you know, like, if I just went, look, I represent football, all right? So what I do is I take the Raiders fans and the Seahawks fans and the Rams fans and the Cardinals fans, I just put them together and then I represent. It's like, yeah, they don't all want each other to win. They have different teams, they have different jerseys. They're only. Only one's gonna make the super bowl this year. Why do you think this is gonna work that I can lump even that way with, like, black and brown? Like, listen, I don't know if you've done the black and brown math, but I've done the prison black and brown math. They don't seem to want to hang out together that often. So, I mean, you probably better off lumping white people and brow than black and brown. They pretty much stab each other in prison, so I don't think they're the best of buddies. So why is it you represent also it's always, like, the same white chick who represents the black and brown community and the lgbt. So, hey, heterosexual white bitch with the red hair, you represent the black and the brown and then five different sexualities that you're not.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's presumptuous. Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

Adam.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, I Don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Adam Ray]

What this. This happened yesterday. What, what this news dropped when is this.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

So this was a big pressing issue.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah. They have a. The Wall Street Journal put this out because there's a new book that's going to be coming out along with it. One of the things that I find very interesting is especially coming from Minnesota, where I live with a lot of feminists, is how many feminists are very anti dudes turning into women. And I'm like, you should be. If you're a feminist, this is what you should be rallying against. You should be rallying against dudes taking over what used to be your domain.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Yeah. And Minnesota, so weird. And woke.

[Rudy Pavich]

It's very weird.

[Adam Carolla]

I say that all the time, but it's weird. I don't know how that works.

[Adam Ray]

Pockets of it. Yeah. You've got like every place.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, like every place. Yeah. It's. It's basically within the city. 494, 694. You're inside that loop. It is wildly different than if you go to Brainerd, Minnesota. It's. The mindset is completely different.

[Adam Carolla]

Different. Yeah, I know. It's just such a random place to get so woke sort of all of a sudden.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah. It rallies against everything that people aren't. That aren't inside of the city are.

[Adam Ray]

They just want to go completely opposite.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so there's rebelling.

[Rudy Pavich]

It's rebelling, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I guess most of it is just rebelling, I would assume. Yeah. It's whatever would piss off their dad the most.

[Adam Ray]

Are there parts of Mall of America that you would consider like liberal, conservative? Like, are there parts of the mall where you're like.

[Adam Carolla]

Like.

[Adam Ray]

There'S a wave pool. Right.

[Rudy Pavich]

So the west side of the mall, which is the side where the light rail comes in, where there's public transportation, that side still has the carpeting from when they opened that place in 1994. The east side of the mall, where all the high end shops are brand new tile everything. Yeah. So if you ever take a walk through there again, take a look and you'll see that there is definitely a separation. They keep most of the low end stores on the west side of the mall and the east side is like, that's Beverly Hills.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah. Like I would wonder like if, you know, Biden, Trump walk in, like, where. Where are they going first?

[Rudy Pavich]

You know, probably to the Can I imagine.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there.

[Rudy Pavich]

Going first.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there a Bass Pro shop? Because that's where. That's Trump territory.

[Rudy Pavich]

I think there's an Eddie Bauer that's there. That's the closest thing to a bass pro shop.

[Adam Carolla]

Eddie Bauer.

[Adam Ray]

Eddie Bauer. Once. I once come to run my pee in a bass pro show. Come to run my pee. They didn't ask me to. I just did it. It was a fan. It was a Hunter Biden fan convention.

[Adam Carolla]

The cummed around your pee is like a police escort out of a stadium. You know, where they, like, hold up all the traffic in a guy and a motorcycle cop, which is waving you ahead. Come on. Come. Here we go. We've closed off the interstate.

[Adam Ray]

Hold on, P. Now, this was a.

[Rudy Pavich]

Woman who asked you that, right? To take a pee before you came. Yeah. Because any guy would know. Hey, man, if you. If you come and then you pee, you're gonna constantly feel like you have pee inside of your penis for the next two hours.

[Adam Ray]

Yes, thank you. Thank you.

[Rudy Pavich]

As it's been said many times.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, it's my high school yearbook quote.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

Adam, obviously, your wildest dreams came true. Zoran Mumdami stuns New York City as voters hand power to the Democrats. Left wing flank.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's. It'll be interesting experiment over there, but we have. Well, we have a clip. There's two clips. We have. Well, there's a couple clips, but first he does his thing where he yells out all the different races.

[Rudy Pavich]

I speak of Yemeni bodega owners and Mexican abuelas, Senegalese taxi drivers and Uzbek nurses, Trinidadian line cooks and Ethiopian aunties. Yes, aunties.

[Adam Carolla]

And other shit white people don't wanna do. Yeah, like, it's such a. I don't know if they really notice this, but you gotta throw a couple engineers in there and scientists and lawyers and doctors. You can't just go, who's gonna clean your toilets? Who's gonna wipe. Who's gonna pull the dingleberries out of your grandpa's ass, huh? Who. Who's in charge of grandpa's d. Who's gonna clean up the dog shit from your front lawn, huh? Who's gonna do. Who's gonna scrape the weatherproofing out from underneath your car when it needs to be redone, huh? Who's gonna go into the grave and exhume the cadavers so we can do testing on him? Who. Who's gonna clean it and the whole.

[Rudy Pavich]

Time they're playing that song underneath the Modelo commercial.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Who's gonna catheterize your nana? Who's gonna clean her bedpan? Who's gon. Who's going to be in charge of the Cleaning the parking lot out Front of the house, I was like, make one of them a lawyer, would you?

[Adam Ray]

Do you think there's more pressure to give the post, like, you know, victory speech than there is with all the campaigning prior? Like, that's because that's so much more celebrated. Yeah, like, because everyone's like, watch. Like, just him doing all that, like, is probably, you know, more scrutinized than anything he said prior to.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I don't like breaking everyone into groups. It's a weird thing because what you do is you go, I'm going to. So it's a strange thing. So back to my football analogy. You know, you go, this for the Seahawks fans, and this for the Green Bay packers fans. I'm pointing to you. And then I'm Dawson. It's for the Chargers fans, and then Philadelphia Eagle, but. And then there's me, and I work for all fans. And it's like, okay, why do you have to break everyone off into groups and then announce you work for all football fans? How about you just announce I'll work for all football fans? Because once you start breaking off people in the groups, no, they don't really get along. They don't want the other group to excel. As a Seahawks fan, you're not. I'm a Rams fan.

[Adam Ray]

You don't to want.

[Adam Carolla]

Want the Rams to excel. You don't. You want the Seahawks to excel. So stop breaking everyone off into fucking groups. But there's a bigger problem with this douche, which is my other clip, which is. I was explaining there's a problem. Somebody wrote an article about it. We'll get into it one day. But it's called gyno fascism, which is. We decided it'd be a good idea if ladies ran everything. And it turns out they're fucking things up up. Because they have a different brain than we have. And when they get in charge, they tend to not be good as a group at running things. There needs to be a little more testosterone mix in there. But the dudes who are progressive dudes surround themselves with women. So all the deep leg crossers, which are the progressive dudes, dudes surround themselves with women. And so what you end up with is, like, Los Angeles, it's run by chicks. And that's why it's running the fucking ground. And it's not that chicks are bad. It's that they think differently than dudes. And we need a balance. Just like your home needs a balance. It needs the dude doing what the dude does and the chick does it. And then you have a balance and then it works. But the progressive dude dudes go all chicks because they're progressive, and then they end up fucking up the city. So we get a dude who is basically a chick, and he announced his cabinet. And I want you to listen to the names of the five people he named. First Cabinet, by the way, he stands on the podium surrounded by four women. But here we go.

[Rudy Pavich]

Come to expect from government. Our team will be directed by Ilana Liability Pole, whose roots in this city extend back to her grandmother running the trams on Roosevelt Island. She has extensive experience in city government and has been a key part of our campaign to become the next mayor of this city. And it will be led by our formidable co chairs, former Federal Trade Commissioner Chair Lina Khan. Former first Deputy Mayor, Maria Torres Springer.

[Adam Ray]

Three checks.

[Rudy Pavich]

United Way President and CEO Grace Bunny. Former Deputy Mayor for Health and Human Services, Melanie Hartsock.

[Adam Carolla]

Five checks over the coming days. That's all he's got. And then their periods sync up, and then we're fine.

[Adam Ray]

Listen, I mean, how much of it is. Is him being progressive and how much.

[Adam Carolla]

It'S him being progressive?

[Adam Ray]

So there's no. There's no actual. Like, these are talented. Like, they've been doing it for a while. Like, these are who he. He truly is. Like, these are probably the right people for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Or look, it's like, okay, first off, he's on stage with five chicks. Now, I'm sure they have history and they have skill sets and they have experience.

[Adam Ray]

True, but he also knows some dudes.

[Adam Carolla]

But also, here's the other thing. He's not bothered by this. If I just said, look, I'm gonna go up there with five swinging cocks, someone would tap me on the shoulder and go, you gotta put a chick up there.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I'd go, huh? Well, yeah, but I got five dudes around the city. My deputy mayor said, dude. The head of transportation, dude. Then someone tapped city controllers. Like, someone tapped me on the show and go, you gotta put a chick in this effort. You gotta do this. I go, why? These guys are better. No, no, you gotta. Whatever. So first things first. They don't look at it as anything to have five women and all women. They look at it as totally progressive to have it. I'm basically saying this, this. If you had a legal team, Adam, let's just say Subway picked you up as a spokesperson and it was going good for a while. You'd lost a couple of pounds. And then issues came up and there were some legal issues, all right? And you said, I got to get a legal team together. And I said you'd go, all right, I want the best legal team I can get. And I'd go, yeah, okay, but they all got to be worked women. Then you'd go, I want the best legal team I can get. And you'd go, yeah, but it's gotta be all women. You might not end up with the best. Yeah, you probably end up with the best if it was just kind of a couple of dudes, couple of chicks or whatever it was once you announce that. But they also think differently. But they think like him because he's a pussy, and they think like pussies. And then you end up with fairness and equity and a place at the table, and you end up with dumbo chicken think. And that's what he's there to do. So he doesn't want. Dude think. He doesn't want Pete Hagseth in there. He wants chicks who think like him. And he also is presenting because he's saying, look how progressive I am. I'm gonna walk out here with. He's basically getting up there and putting five chicks behind him and thinking nobody's gonna say anything because it's all women. But I argue that's how we got into this trouble. This gyno fascism is a big issue. Just mark my words, everyone hates me. I get it. They think I'm a dick. They think I'm misogynist. We will ruin our society with this. We are ruining our society with this. It will keep going and you will see, and then people will never apologize to me.

[Adam Ray]

I mean, I am definitely in favor of more balance. Just having, you know, more just having all of the same, like minded way of thinking is probably not the best. Well, having a few dudes in there to like, to also talk to him like a dude and not. That's just how it is in life and society, right? Like, yeah, break it up. But also, unless they all communicate like, you know, swiftly like that.

[Adam Carolla]

But it'd be, yeah, we've entered the Robert Palmer guitar girl Addicted to Love phase, where he stands there with the five chicks behind him. Mendame stands there with the five chicks behind. The good news is, well, those chicks pretended to play instruments and these chicks are gonna pretend to run New York, I guess, but it's not gonna work. It's not. LA is all fucking chicks running LA and they've run into the fucking ground. It's good for ceremonial shit. It's good for, you know, Dodgers and parades. It's not Good for wildfires.

[Adam Ray]

That'll just what I want. Karen Best is, I mean that's. She's done, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I, I think she's. I think she's done. O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, you know O'Reilly Auto Parts that keep your car on the road, man. You want to be on the shoulder with a broken down car, looking like a dope. So friendly, helpful service people who actually know their stuff. Not just some kid who'd rather be on his phone. I use these guys. I always have. I used to use them out of necessity. Now it's sort of more of a hobby. But it's always O'Reilly for me. Thousands of parts and accessories stocked in the store. Or you can find the stuff online if you like as well. They'll help you find what you need. Need. Or they'll hook you up with a shop if you're not a DIY type. But why not do it yourself? So whether you're gearhead or you don't know a lug nut from a donut, they'll walk you right through it. No attitude, just real help. Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us online at O'ReillyAuto.com Atlas O'ReillyAuto.com.

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Adam Carolla]

I think she's. Is there a guy? Hi. Let me ask you guys hypothetically, the Robert Palmer and his guitar girls, right? Is there a dude? Maybe it's David Lee Roth. I don't know. Maybe it's a producer, maybe it's an actor, you know, maybe it's just a, you know, Coxman. The guy's really done. Well, is there a guy who says I got three of the guitars girls or two like multiple, you know what I mean?

[Rudy Pavich]

Same time or different times, just different.

[Adam Carolla]

Just spread out over the course of the later 80s, you know what I mean? Where you go, I got the one guitar girl. I got the one Robert Palmer bass player. I got her. We were at a party, you know, we're one of those Hollywood parties. It was at Don Johnson's, you know, back, you know, Miami Vice. We were at Johnson's party. Sure. And I got the one. And then seven months later, I was hanging with Charlie Sheen and we went to a thing and anyway, the keyboard chick was there and fucking hooked up.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, is there someone, everybody.

[Adam Ray]

Everybody fucked that girl that night.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there someone?

[Adam Ray]

Everybody got the keyboard girl. Dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyone who got more than one guitar girl. I mean, look, they're models.

[Adam Ray]

Darius Rucker.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, well, probably Charlie Sheen, if you think about it.

[Adam Carolla]

This is pre.

[Adam Ray]

I'm thinking about it now. I'm coming on my pee.

[Adam Carolla]

This is, like I said, the best time ever. It is pre aids, mid Coke as a society.

[Adam Ray]

You found your next special title.

[Adam Carolla]

Free aids, mid Coke. Party is fucking on. Yeah. Yeah. There's. First off, coke wasn't even considered bad for you.

[Adam Ray]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

It was considered, like, kind of good for you. Like, hey, man, need a bump? Because we're going out tonight. Like, we need to have a fucking.

[Adam Ray]

It was the original Red Bull.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was Red Bull. It was Red Bull. The same judgment. Like, yeah, take a bump. Fucking going out, partying.

[Adam Ray]

Not much of that. It'll fuck you up.

[Adam Carolla]

It was like that original Red.

[Adam Ray]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Coke and vodka, you know what I mean? Just shot. And then there are no aids. So what are we talking about here? Yeah, so somebody had to get the guitar girls.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah. Also, I was thinking, is it that easy for just any gal on the street back during that time in, like, the mid-80s, could she just say, you might not recognize me. I was actually one of the gals from the Robert Palmer video. Because all them gals were dressed up. They had the hair slicked back.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, yeah.

[Rudy Pavich]

Now they're not wearing the tight black dress anywhere. Couldn't you just go out and say you were in that video? And people would be like, oh, oh, shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He said to be not fat, tight dressed. Okay. Okay. There's two dudes you're talking to at a party, right? And one dude you talk to, turns out, got two guitar girls. Okay. Not once. Not once. Spread out over several months. But he got two guitar girls, right? That's one dude.

[Rudy Pavich]

Rhythm section.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The other dude got one guitar girl, but one Banana Rama. Where we at, dude? What kind of respect level? You know what I mean? Because that's pretty good. But the two. I mean, getting two from Robert Palmer's band or the one, Banana Rama. There's only three of them.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, well, you're probably shooting your shot for somebody from the Bengals, but that didn't pan out. So then you went Banana Rama. It was a cruel summer.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the Bengals, this had some possible downside. Cause not all the Bangles.

[Rudy Pavich]

Okay?

[Adam Carolla]

I got.

[Rudy Pavich]

I'd love to hear where this is going. Cause I don't think there's any downside of the Bangles.

[Adam Carolla]

They weren't all lookers. You see the Guitar Girls, that's five for five. And Banana Ramas, three for three.

[Rudy Pavich]

Okay?

[Adam Carolla]

What I'm saying is you could take all the Guitar Girls and Banana Rama and put them into a tumbler. And I'd just go, I don't know, whatever. Two come out, you know, like I'm playing bingo with my balls, right? Like there is no better, no worse. The Bengals had some tougher selections at.

[Adam Ray]

The poster for the new spot.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not talking about. I'm not talking about Homely. But it wasn't all Susannah Hoff, right? You know? You know what I mean? There were like, you know, some of them were a little less. Wouldn't have been a big deal when you were in high school, you know what I'm saying?

[Rudy Pavich]

Is that Susanna Hopps now. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Susanna Hoffs is great. Still beautiful.

[Rudy Pavich]

Beauty.

[Adam Carolla]

Petite. Petite.

[Rudy Pavich]

When was the last time you saw her?

[Adam Carolla]

She was in here a few years ago. And you would marvel at how well petite has. Hold up.

[Adam Ray]

What's her secret?

[Adam Carolla]

It's being petite. I do think petite women. It's almost like being angry.

[Adam Ray]

You're gonna be fine, Rudy.

[Adam Carolla]

They just hold up.

[Rudy Pavich]

Thank you, buddy.

[Adam Carolla]

Ye.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now. All right, so what I'm saying is, is you can't go all of Bengals.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

But you can go all of Banana Rama and you can go all Guitar Girls. But the question remains, you only got one dude you can hang out with at the parties. It two Guitar Girls. Or is it a Banana Rama and a Guitar Girl?

[Rudy Pavich]

How do you go with the guy who got the gal from Banana Rama and one of the Guitar Girls? Yeah, that guy's got stories. He's a well versed man.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, there's a girl with the butterfly tattoo. But there's the guy with the, you know, Kanye hugging a swastika tattoo. Who you going to talk to?

[Adam Carolla]

Right? But with the Guitar Girl, you do have the ancillary story of the one finding out about the other at some point and some sparks flying on the next video shoot, right?

[Rudy Pavich]

Video, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Dawson]

You got to keep in mind, too, that when Addicted to Love came out, he had the, you know, four, whatever, Guitar Girls. But then when he followed it up with Simply Irresistible, he threw like 30, 40 models in that thing, all doing the same thing. So if you go with the guy who does the Guitar Girl, Thing you can kind of include those. And then you say, the guy knows how to play the odds.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I. I'm going to be more specific and just go. Addicted to love.

[Dawson]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

But not the.

[Dawson]

Not simply irresistible.

[Adam Carolla]

Not simply irresistible. Both horrible shitty songs. Horrible horrib, horrible Robert Palmer songs. Rest in peace. But horrible song. So, yeah, I'm gonna keep it to the original five guitar girls.

[Adam Ray]

Speaking of ladies, man, do you know Lou Vega? Got me too.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Adam Ray]

Gotcha. You guys are on my new prank show. Called you Adam and Rudy. We got you there. We got you there. We got you there. But if there was a guy to get called out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, a little bit.

[Adam Ray]

Himself on board. Blessed. Where's his heart on his sleeve.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, God. I remember interviewing Lou Vega. You did? Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, man, that might be the coolest thing you've told me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Loveline, mtv.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, my God, the height of Lou.

[Adam Carolla]

Vega, you know, 1997 and a half or something. I remember, you know, I was no David Frost, you know, I was like right off the construction site. So I didn't really find my interviewing chops, you know, But I would try to. I knew at the time the song sucked badly. Like, I knew it sucked because of.

[Adam Ray]

How popular it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, because how popular it was. And I also knew he had no follow up to this. This was going to be it for Lou Baker. I knew there was nothing else. And I was attempting to do an interview and sort of tact started to be tactful when I said, like, you're saving your money, you know what I mean? Or like you're getting any vocational training. Or like. I was trying to kind of say like a plan B. Yeah, don't, you.

[Adam Ray]

Know, Are you interested in law?

[Adam Carolla]

It can be a tricky business, you know. And Lou just sort of looked at me with his penciled in mustache and his. His bowler on. And he just looked at me and he just went, this just the beginning. And I was like, well, you know, hang on to that money, you know. And he's like, this a launching pad. Like, it's from here up from here. And I remember kind of going, I don't think it is, you know, and based on your talent, just having a really shitty song. And he just gave me a look like, what are you talking about? Because it is all it's gonna be. This is the beginning of Lou Bega mania. And your grandparents, parents and grandchildren will know about Lou Bega years from now. And I was like, I just remember they got. Oh, man, this is trouble.

[Adam Ray]

Holy shit. What a place to Be where you're that self assured. But I guess, yeah, when your song is being played in every KFC and every brothel and every like Best Buy. It's just. It was the anthem for the 90s.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

I think for maybe most of the year it was like NBA and NBC was playing it for commercial.

[Adam Carolla]

What year was. I mean, I'm just saying 97 and a half, maybe 98.

[Adam Ray]

I'm gonna say it was before 2000 for sure.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, for sure.

[Adam Ray]

It's probably 98, I think. Yeah, it's freshman year high school for me. And that was Titanic and Lou Vega were holding court.

[Rudy Pavich]

What if modern day Lou Bega travels back in time to 1997 Lubega and tells him, Hey, 35 years from now you're going to be doing a credit karma commercial. Hang on to a couple of bucks.

[Adam Ray]

Don't buy a helicopter. You are talking about you, rudy.

[Adam Carolla]

Mambo number five, 1999, man.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, dude, he got it in just before Y2K.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And what was it? Early and, and that's what Luba does.

[Adam Ray]

How many now and did he sell? He just sold single. Did he have follow ups?

[Rudy Pavich]

No, he had one song that came out after that. I'm spacing on the name, but it went nowhere.

[Adam Ray]

It's like I love me some gin blossoms but I think of hey jealousy and follow you down and that's about all I got.

[Rudy Pavich]

That's it?

[Adam Ray]

Yeah. Melon they f. Yeah. No rain and what else? No hits.

[Dawson]

But yeah, the idea that the song was called Mambo Number five kind of implies that there was a mambo one through four.

[Adam Ray]

Totally.

[Dawson]

Right.

[Adam Ray]

Now that's what I call mambo.

[Dawson]

That's box set material.

[Adam Ray]

And that. Yeah, that's like, that's like starting with the, like when the show comes out and it's like, here's the ending and now we're gonna go back and show you the rest. So he, he should have, if he was playing his cards right, comes out with Mambo number five crushes it. He's like, dude, you think there was a lot of girls in that video? Video two and three.

[Dawson]

Dude, you got to hear Mambo three.

[Adam Ray]

Wombo three is all. It's the cast of Two Girls one cup. It's all the Robert Plant girls. It's the girl who told Adam to come around his pee. It's everybody come around maybe. Yeah, but I don't know.

[Dawson]

He.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, where is he now? Is he dead?

[Rudy Pavich]

No, he's around. He's still alive.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get there Was five Guitar Girls with Robert Palmer fan, by the way. Lot of. Lot of fives going on.

[Adam Ray]

$5 foot long.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Adam Ray]

Always comes back to Fogle.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah, doesn't it?

[Adam Ray]

That's what. That's what he says when he gets out of prison, by the way. He comes up on people that are. They're talking about sandwiches. And he goes, always. He goes, you guys talking about Subway? They go, no, actually, just talking about the sandwich reading. That one always comes back to Fogle. That's not going to catch on, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What do we do with. What's Fogle do? I mean, do. Do we try to book him on the pod?

[Adam Ray]

Yes, but I also think, yeah, you have to. And then I also think if you're him, I don't think you. You. There's a part of him that goes, I. I did my time, I paid my dues. I should be able just to walk right back into a Walmart and. And not be judged for my actions. I don't think that's going to be the case. I think unless he grows a goatee. You got to, like, grow your. Maybe wear a wig, maybe dress like Johnny Depp. Do something to. I wouldn't assimilate. As quickly as you think you can.

[Adam Carolla]

Does he start doing Stan stand up?

[Adam Ray]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

And will you mentor him?

[Adam Ray]

Oh, which question do I have to answer first?

[Adam Carolla]

I want to know if he'll mention.

[Adam Ray]

Can I sleep on it? Wow. Let's get him on Kill Tony. And I think, let the gods do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And I'm seeing, like, him hosting the 2031 AVN Awards or something, right? Like somebody.

[Adam Ray]

2031, 2029. I think the year he's out, he gets out, right? That's the AVNs play.

[Adam Carolla]

And to some, like, edgy company, like Liquid Death, reach out to him and.

[Adam Ray]

Go, maybe not Liquid Death, but maybe Surge comes back. Or, okay, soda. Crystal Clear Pepsi. Where's my Crystal Clear Pepsi?

[Adam Carolla]

Joel comes out.

[Adam Ray]

Somebody that wants it to make a big swing or for loco. Loco Shasta. 25 RC Cola.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

It's somebody that's just been waiting in the. The wings who's like, we don't have a lot of budget for a spokesman, but we're looking to. And he's. You meet in the middle. It's almost like, you know, when you get on snl, right? Like, there's not a lot of money up front, but they go, well, a lot of people would kill for this opportunity. So I think Serge goes to Fogle and goes, look, dude, we could really turn the world upside down right now.

[Rudy Pavich]

Pay you in jolt.

[Adam Ray]

Pay you in Jolts.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, I mean, in a world where everybody, okay, you come out with an advertising campaign and everyone starts talking about it and there's no real bad publicity anymore because everyone's outraged or it's out there. It's like for four days, everyone would be talking about Shasta Cola.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It just would be. Right. Like, I don't know. The other way it would work too.

[Dawson]

Is if Jared gained all the weight back and then he legally changed his name to Fat Jared. Jared, they say, hey, it's Fat Jared for Shasta Cola.

[Rudy Pavich]

Yeah. He could sing for no effects. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. My feeling. I've always said for a million years he should just be the spokesperson for Quiznos. And then you can go back to the age old Smucker's Jelly campaign, which was with a name like Smuckers, we gotta be good. And you just go, Jared is the new spokesperson for Quiznos. And they just go, you know how good our sandwiches are? Are. We got a pedophile and he's put the weight back on from eating our sandwiches because they're so good. And that's how confident we are in our product.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's give some. Let's give some plugs where plugs are due. Adam's got shows coming up in Houston. That'll be November 14th through the 16th at the Houston Improv Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club, San Antonio, Texas. After that, that's December 5th and 6th. And then what you can do is you can go to adamraecomedy.com.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, that's the. My big theater tour starts January through April. The who is Me tour. Wilbur Town hall in New York, the Moore in Seattle, A bunch of hard rocks, Florida. And then I got a new character that I'm doing, Bruce Robbins, this mentalist magician at The Comedy Store, November 20th, 12th with Brad Williams and Harlan Williams as my, my first guest. It's a wild show, a lot of fun. I hired an owl. It's going to be bananas.

[Adam Carolla]

Rudy, where, where are your dates? Where can we find your dates?

[Rudy Pavich]

I'm going to be this weekend I'll be at La Jolla at the Comedy Store with Michael Yeoh. And then the 21st, 22nd, I'll be at the Blue Note in Honolulu. And then November 28th, find me at Heavy Rotation Brewing in Brooklyn Park, Minnesota.

[Adam Carolla]

So I'm at the Wilbur tonight night and then Buffalo, New York at Electric City. And got mkur.com for all that. Until next time. Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Last Dr. Phil live December 16th. The Wiltern last Dr. Phil live December 16. I mean, we're doing a few in Australia, but this is the last one ever.

[Adam Carolla]

So until next time, Matt Crawford, Adam Ryan, ready, pop. And saying mahalo.

[Dawson]

You can leave us a voicemail at 8 at 863-41744 and get tickets to see Adam Corolla at Adam Corolla.

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