Steve Guttenberg + Ben Schwartz (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show Episode Summary Title: Steve Guttenberg + Ben Schwartz (Carolla Classics)
Release Date: January 10, 2025
Host: Adam Carolla
Guests: Steve Guttenberg, Ben Schwartz

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1. Nostalgia for the 1980s

Timestamp: 00:49 - 04:23

Adam Carolla and Allison Rosen reminisce about the vibrant 1980s, focusing particularly on neon aesthetics and iconic fashion trends. They humorously discuss Debbie Gibson's "Electric Youth" perfume, reflecting on how such nostalgic elements influence current preferences.

Notable Quote:

Allison Rosen (01:19): "As much as I love Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth perfume, which I owned. Really, I wish I still had it and I could smell like it tonight and see if she could guess what I smell like."

2. Personal Anecdotes: Parenting and Family Moments

Timestamp: 05:10 - 12:23

Adam shares a heartfelt story about his daughter’s first experience with jalapeños, highlighting the humorous and tender moments of parenting. The conversation shifts to discuss the importance of being happy and the influence of parental behavior on children's emotional well-being.

Notable Quote:

Adam Carolla (07:16): "I had a fun, fun time with my daughter tonight. We wrestled, then we danced to Adele, and then we ate tacos."

3. Happiness and Its Importance

Timestamp: 12:23 - 21:05

A deep dive into the concept of happiness ensues, featuring insights from Dennis Prager. The discussion emphasizes the responsibility individuals have to maintain happiness for the sake of those around them, exploring philosophical and psychological perspectives.

Notable Quote:

Dennis Prager (15:14): "We owe it to act happy to the people around us. Right. That is a huge, huge message."

4. Media Critique: The Ravi Raman Case and Tyler Clementi

Timestamp: 21:33 - 96:56

Adam launches into a passionate critique of the media's handling of the Ravi Raman case related to Tyler Clementi. He argues that the media distorted facts to fit a homophobic narrative, leading to public outrage and wrongful consequences for Ravi. The segment is filled with strong opinions on media bias, societal homophobia, and the responsibilities of journalists.

Notable Quotes:

Adam Carolla (22:10): "Mr. Carolla, I feel like I am the reason I'm qualified to be the next celebrity. I worked with P. Diddy for over a six-month period."

Adam Carolla (97:03): "You have to want something. You have to want the Duke Lacrosse Team to be rapists. In order to create this case, you have to want that."

5. Interview with Steve Guttenberg: Career and Reflections

Timestamp: 33:03 - 175:57

Steve Guttenberg discusses his journey in the entertainment industry, from early acting roles to his experiences on the Adam Carolla Show. He reflects on his name change from Deborah to Debbie Gibson, his interactions with industry legends like Billy Joel and Elton John, and the challenges faced in maintaining a career in Hollywood. Guttenberg also shares personal stories about his family and the impact of his parents on his life and career.

Notable Quotes:

Steve Guttenberg (34:15): "It's always been me. It's one and the same. And I felt this disconnect with the name Debbie so that it was going back to the name Deborah for me."

Steve Guttenberg (36:32): "I have people come up to me and say, you, dad helped me at that counter once."

6. Conversation with Ben Schwartz: Acting Insights and Industry Experiences

Timestamp: 175:57 - 214:05

Ben Schwartz joins the show to discuss his acting career, including his roles in "House of Lies" and voice acting for "Sonic the Hedgehog." He shares his early experiences freelancing for shows like "Letterman's Monologue" and his transition into television and film. Schwartz also touches on the dynamics of the entertainment industry, the challenges of maintaining authenticity, and his admiration for Steve Guttenberg's career.

Notable Quotes:

Ben Schwartz (191:03): "I started playing my demos for Atlantic Records at like 14 or 15."

Ben Schwartz (214:12): "I got to watch him say my jokes because I was there. So it's crazy to watch that."

7. Rants on Societal Issues: Lotteries and Media Agendas

Timestamp: 21:05 - 214:05

Adam vents about the societal obsession with lotteries, criticizing them as harmful and promoting laziness over hard work. He extends his critique to the media’s perceived agendas, arguing that news outlets distort stories to fit certain narratives, particularly around issues like homophobia and racism.

Notable Quotes:

Adam Carolla (150:11): "Everyone has just like, I want to be a trained conductor and I want to work with dinosaurs. And no one ends up doing it because it's the shit we feed them nonstop."

Adam Carolla (156:02): "The message from the lottery is sit back and hope something good happens."

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Conclusion

This episode of the Adam Carolla Show delves into a mix of nostalgic reflections, personal stories, critical societal commentary, and in-depth interviews with industry veterans like Steve Guttenberg and Ben Schwartz. Through humor and candid discussions, Adam Carolla challenges prevailing narratives and encourages listeners to reflect on the influences shaping their lives and society.

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Disclaimer: The above summary includes paraphrased content from the original transcript provided. Notable quotes are attributed with approximate timestamps for reference.

Transcript

[Giovanni]

Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 15 years of the Adam Corolla show. We have a separate podcast feed titled Corolla Classics, the ad free archives exclusively available through Adam Corolla's substack. Make sure to check out adamcarolla.substack.com where you can also get access to Beat it out, the brand new show currently featuring Adam and Jay Moore. And if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcarollo.com Coming first day, we have Adam Carollo Show 774 featuring Debbie Gibson, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop. This was from 2012.

[Adam Carolla]

And now he would have had an electric youth, but his mom couldn't pay the utility bill. Adam Carolla. Yeah. Get it on. Chris Maxalaxa has no idea what you're talking about. Got to get it on no choice but to get it on Mandate get it on. Good to be reunited. My Celebrity Apprentice pal, Debbie Gibson coming in here. Good day, Bald Brian. Who's wiping Allison tonight? Cranston. He's a great guy, isn't he?

[Allison Rosen]

Love him.

[Adam Carolla]

Love me some Cranston.

[Allison Rosen]

As much as I love Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth perfume, which I owned. Really, I wish I still had it and I could smell like it tonight and see if she could guess what I smell like. Wow, she wipes me.

[Giovanni]

My wife did too. We talked about this on the way in. Does the blue. Little blue thing or whatever, some blue container.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it had a cool atomizer with like a squiggle inside. Because the 80s were all about squiggles.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's the greatest thing ever. Whenever I watch like late night HBO, Showtime, whatever, and it's like hot upcoming comedians from 1987, Lane Boozler covered in squirrels. Right. And then they show. Yes, they show the stage. It's always just random neon balls going weird. And it's the same. It's a Nagel painting.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all. It's a turquoise and a sort of a pink and an orange and it's just like not lightning bolts and not letters.

[Allison Rosen]

It's just a sort of geometric. Yeah, I went nuts with a protractor.

[Adam Carolla]

And then there's a black guy wearing a sweater that's doing about the same thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

What happened to us? I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

We pulled shoulder pads out of cans.

[Adam Carolla]

And we were so at it that we even fucked black dudes up. Cause normally we can't get Black dudes that go along with this kind of tomfoolery.

[Allison Rosen]

I had a giant cordless phone that was like the size of a shoebox. Cause that's what cordless phones were. And I took permanent pens and drew squiggles on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's just squiggled it. When you watch the beginning of Saved by the Bell, that is the 80s. Even if that was 92, it was like. It's just weird squiggles. Weird electric squiggles. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's find out from David Gibson. What the fuck?

[Adam Carolla]

It's also a weird thing, too, where neon first shows up in the 20s. And we're enamored with it. Like, oh, there's all these old drinking establishments in Las Vegas in the 40s and 50s and all that. You know, maybe neon is. Neon is probably from the late 20s, mid-30s, something like that. Then we completely forget about neon. Like, all the way through the 60s, 70s. No one wants anything to do with neon. 70s, no neon.

[Allison Rosen]

Cause 70s was not a tasteful time.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But no neon. I know roller boogie, but no neon. And then all of a sudden, 84 comes around. Pow. Where's our neon? And you're like, what shape do you want in it? No shape. But don't you want a guy smoking a cigarette leaning against a Las Vegas? No. No shape. Give us your scrap. Neon.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Just the straight pieces you cut off. And we'll have them go in different directions.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, spare me one, and I'll make a brooch out of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's a very. I think there was, like, a Whitney Houston video that was very eight.

[Giovanni]

Whitney Houston video.

[Adam Carolla]

Eight baker's dozen. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

In addition to the squiggles, we also like to acid wash our own jeans with RIT dye.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I never did anything. I didn't have enough money or enough time. And I somehow knew quietly would come back to haunt me. I never had a look. I never cultivated anything.

[Giovanni]

You were in an age no better, though, Allison. And I was way too young. Alison and I were way too young to be.

[Adam Carolla]

This is awesome.

[Giovanni]

Neon everywhere.

[Allison Rosen]

We had no choice.

[Brian Bishop]

All over ourselves.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of good. We Speaking of good.

[Giovanni]

Now let's get on to good, though.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Let's get on to good. Subway. They got the freshest breakfast sandwiches and the freshest town. I love me a Subway breakfast sandwich. I dig the breakfast sandwich. And not only that, but they got a little thing going on. They got talent from NYU and usc. Brian, fire up the band, buddy. Mm. Watch this. Thank you. Watch the Subway. Fresh artist film [e-mail] and join the conversation on Twitter with hashtag Subway. Fresh artists. Let's see. Fire up the band.

[Giovanni]

They're like short films, right? They're like a short filmmaker series. It's pretty cool stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

All the things you're into.

[Giovanni]

Sometimes they play in the beginning of movies, you know what I mean? Like, here's a short film from the USC NYU Subway, you know what I mean? And it's always sometimes more entertaining in the film.

[Adam Carolla]

Subway is. Yeah, I find that. Find that true. Well, if the film stinks and it's 100 minutes long, then the short one's always going to be better.

[Giovanni]

The short's over in 90 seconds.

[Adam Carolla]

Subway screening the films at south by Southwest next Monday on the 12th. And the sandwiches, the steak and egg whites and cheese or the sunrise Subway melt with the green peppers and the onions. Love the green. I loved cooked onions and cooked green peppers. Ra. Cooked. Fantabulous. They got the $3 combo and the 6 inch breakfast sandwich and the 16 ounce coffee. You know what I like about coffee? Everyone got on coffee like it used to just be, oh, yeah, you go to Starbucks and get good coffee and everywhere else we're like, ts you get what we give you now everyone goes, you know what we do? Good coffee. We got to keep up with the Joneses. Subway, no exception. And. Or the 21 ounce fountain drink. Build your better breakfast at Subway. That's Subway. All right. Where the heck. Yeah. Thank you. Where were. Yeah, Appreciate it.

[Allison Rosen]

We went from squiggles to steak and egg whites, which is making me hungry.

[Adam Carolla]

Subway. I like the steak and egg whites and I like. Yeah. All right. So I had a fun, fun time with my daughter tonight. We. We wrestled, then we danced to Adele, and then we ate tacos. And at some point she jumped up from the table and was going sort of like she saw a mouse but wasn't sure. She bit her tongue. Like, what was going on that she was hanging her tongue out of her mouth and she's. Was her first jalapeno experience. She bit into something. There was something in the guacamole. It's funny, gringo. Yeah. It's sort of like feeding your dog peanut butter or something. It's just kind of funny to watch them, you know, there's nothing.

[Allison Rosen]

Too bad you weren't filming it. You could go viral.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, nothing. Nothing. You know, there's no permanent scarring here. There's just. There's just her jumping up and down with her tongue out and excruciating pain, but. But it's momentary pain. Psychologically. Yeah, Psychologically scarring, but not physically scarring. And she's just jumping up and down and she's, you know, she's doing you.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, pawing at her tongue.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like with cartoons, you know, like fanning her tongue and sticking her tongue out. And I was just sort of standing there laughing. And Olga, the nanny, did this thing that was so la. Grabbed for a cup that was like just sort of sitting on the island.

[Giovanni]

Called her publicist, put it under the.

[Adam Carolla]

Sink and started filling it with water to douse the flames. Then quickly dumped the water out, just rinsed it and then put it under the filter. One in filter. So that no municipal water could touch her tongue.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

It had to be. Even when her tongue was on fire, she had to get filtered water on. Yeah. So it was fun to watch her jump up and down and then later on put an ice cube on it. And I enjoyed it because she's oftentimes mean to daddy.

[Giovanni]

Well, you may have missed this filming opportunity, like Allison said, but there's still horseradish or wasabi, something horseradish based. That'd be a fun thing, pawing at her nose because that gets up on your sinus.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was fun. You know, the one thing I miss about being poor is paying my friends, like $10 or $20 to do stupid things. You know, now costs more.

[Allison Rosen]

That's how much now.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, it's one of these things where it's usually it probably breaks down to about two hours worth of your work.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So if they know you're making good money, it's not as good.

[Allison Rosen]

It's sort of like how the ring should be two months salary.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

The prank should be two hours salary.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's kind of based on, like, if Mark Cuban said, I'll give you $10 to eat that dog food, it'd be like, $10. You're Mark Cuban, you know, but if just a. You know, if Ozzy did it, my Ozzy, Nicaraguan Ozzy would be like, you think about it.

[Allison Rosen]

Or if a homeless man offered you his 40.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Wow. Right, right, right. Yeah. Or Ozzy offered you 20 of his 40. Or $20. Either combination.

[Giovanni]

He'd offer you 20 in order to have your dog food.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

I'll give you 25 for that dog food.

[Adam Carolla]

Probably make it good if you pound it in a flapstake. So, Ray, once we got to eat the ball, you know, the ice cream scooper ball, the melon ball of wasabi. This was $10 ate the whole bowl.

[Allison Rosen]

Then what happened?

[Adam Carolla]

Just fun. Just watch. Just. You've never seen a guy eat. You know what would be. What would be like a large strawberry full of, you know, size of wasabi.

[Allison Rosen]

I've also never seen a guy throw feces at someone's ear.

[Adam Carolla]

He actually didn't throw it at my ear. He actually slapped it in my ear.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

He placed it there. Yeah. It was. It wasn't. It was not a throwing motion. Well, it was a throwing motion, but it connected.

[Giovanni]

Mashed.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a. It was a slam dunked. It was a. It was a spiked. It was a shit. Bitch slap, you know, it was like going upside somebody's head, you know? You know what I mean?

[Giovanni]

The Deacon Jones.

[Adam Carolla]

It's what Deacon June. Yeah. Deacon Jones used to do to get around a defensive or offensive tackle, you know, I mean, just a head slap, in a sense.

[Allison Rosen]

He tagged you?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. I was tagged. All right, so Debbie's here. We'll bring her in in a moment. We'll do some electric youth news. Electric news. You got the news ready?

[Allison Rosen]

I do.

[Adam Carolla]

We got an evening with me and. Oh. Oh, yeah. Should we hear it? Should we hear? It's the greatest thing ever. And I want full credit for this, because this didn't exist until I started screaming about it. And now. Now I wonder where this one's gonna go. Atkins flood of breaking arms was the reality of the Deacon Jones head slap. The head slap was to do two purposes. One was to give myself an initial head start on the fast rush. In other words, an extra step. Because anytime you go upside a man's head or a woman, they may have a tendency to blink their eyes or close the eyes. And that was all I needed. David Deacon Joe was a defensive. The purpose was to fulfill two missions is to get initial step and get them to blink their eye. Because anytime you go upside a man's head or woman. Now, if he said man or woman's head, it still would have been better than a man's head, paws or woman. I mean, because this is not you just doing that fair and balance thing. And I've said I would. There's a part because you guys don't remember the 70s, but everyone had it drilled into their fucking bean, where you'd go, go. All I want out of an airplane pilot is I want him to be competent and I want him to be sober. Him, Him. It was always some next to you going, he looked like Bea Arthur going, him. And you're like, okay, he or she. He or she. Even though there wasn't any female airline pilots at the time. If you talked about astronauts or airlines, like, I just want the president. I think he should be strong. I think he should be fair. He or she. Even though.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

It was 1972 and there's still never been a female president and there wasn't any before that. You still had it. Or some bitch saying he. Or. Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Or God in his infinite wisdom. His.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, or her. Right, right. There was a. There was a lot of that. There was a lot of that. Wouldn't you guys find it annoying if you're sitting around going, oh, my God, my friend had such a menstrual flow the other day. She. She did your friend? Was it a he, he or she? He.

[Allison Rosen]

He.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

My friend. So he or she.

[Adam Carolla]

But he stopped. He stopped and said, a man's head. And then he said, or a woman.

[Giovanni]

As though he'd been tripped up before. He made that mistake before.

[Adam Carolla]

Then went on to say, they blink momentarily. I gotta air it one more time. I have to. It's the best ever. It's the greatest thing ever. It is the greatest clip ever of the Deacon Jones head slap. The head slap was to do two purposes. One was to give myself an initial head start on the fast rush. In other words, a extra step. Because anytime you go upside a man's head or a woman, then they have a tendency to blink their eyes or close their eyes. That's all we need to know. It's insane. Because he's talking about his NFL career, nothing else. There's not one woman in the league.

[Allison Rosen]

No, but you could use the same strategy if there were.

[Adam Carolla]

It is the greatest thing ever. And I'm taking full credit because this thing sat around for 30 years and no one said a fucking word. And I was sitting home one night about five, six years ago, just drunk on my red wine, watching like the greatest sports legends or something. I was like, or a woman. Then went into the radio show and started screaming about it. It is the greatest ever. All right. Speaking of the greatest evening with moi. That's Mexican for me and the great Dennis Prager, available now on itunes. Finally got it up. You can get it at our site if you like, but also itunes as well. It is two and a half hours of thought provoking conversation. We have a little clip for you. A little snippet on happiness. This is Dennis's thing. It's not my thing. But on the importance of being happy. Dennis makes a point on. On his show that you Owe it to those around you to be happy. It's very selfish to be unhappy. That's right. No, thank you. It means, it means a lot to me that you got that and said it. And it means a lot to me that you applauded because I am very big on that. That we owe it to act happy to the people around us. Right. That is a huge, huge message. I agree. And a lot of people will say, well, if it's false, who cares? But I don't know it. If I'm just traveling through LAX and you're checking my ID and you appear to be walking on sunshine, it's not like I climb onto the plane and say, the guy next to me, you know, I think that chick was full of shit. That's great. That's great. I happen to know that was, that was just the mask of. But there was tears behind that clown's mask. I don't care. And as a matter of fact, going from, you know, micro to macro, I wish the whole Middle east would act happy, even if they were miserable. Wouldn't it be nice? Yeah, look, you know, but when I do my happiness hour, my opening is the happy make the world better, the unhappy make it worse. It's just a fact. And I know some. I have some wonderful Muslims, obviously. There are, there is, there are bad Christians, bad Jews, bad Muslims. Good people in every group. Nevertheless, what you just said has truth. And I would say this in front of an all Muslim audience. Muslims, at least religious Muslims today, do not evince joie de vivre. Is that a fair. Is that a fair comment that that author they wanted to kill? Well, there you go. Me and Dennis Prager riffing it on stage. Yeah. Being happy, especially you owe it to your co workers. But your kids, man.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the kids. I had bummed out parents and it bothered the shit out of me. Were your parents happy, Paul? Bryan?

[Giovanni]

Yeah, you know, we talked about this before. My parents didn't really. Because I can't participate in Tales from the Cheap. Because my parents did a great job of not saying masking, but doing a lot with what they had, which wasn't much. You know, we're solidly middle to lower middle class, but I never was aware of our limitations. I mean, it just was everything I thought I wanted. I had everything I wanted, but I mean, I was just a happy kid.

[Adam Carolla]

But. And some of it is your own wiring, but material, whatever side, just the way they treated each other. The way they treated you.

[Giovanni]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Is screwing around, joking around, dancing, you know, being Silly. The things that you do. The sort of physical displays of happiness, you know, cheering when your team scored or something like that.

[Giovanni]

Yes, all of that.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder if sports fans are happier. I mean, their team's winning. Yeah, I mean they're winning. There was never any. No one liked any teams in my. In my house. There was nothing. There weren't fans of anything.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, and I guess part of not being happy is not being a fan of anything because then you can't be excited when ho so and so's in town and they're in concert.

[Allison Rosen]

When you're depressed, you have. There's nothing left to have any feeling about anything. So it sounds like that's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what it was, just a big gray cloud. How about your parents?

[Allison Rosen]

My dad had moments of silliness and moments of drunkenness and my mom does not have emotions. Well, no, she's anxious and she worried. They're big worriers. They didn't have a lot of joy. They had silliness.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes the worrying is another. It's a way to show that you care, but it's also a way to make your kid neurotic.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. No, I mean, if someone came in with great news, you could sustain the excitement for like a minute before people would start poking holes in it by thinking about everything you need to worry about about it.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, very, very creative kind of Jewy.

[Allison Rosen]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Because there's a sort of a. You're gonna hex it.

[Allison Rosen]

Like.

[Adam Carolla]

It's funny because the Jews are not ultra. They're not religious or as religious as a lot of folks sitting around waiting for the rapture all day and, you know, thumping a Bible. But they do have a knock on wood like. Oh, no, no, don't start br. This.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. I think there's this sense of like, let's not have a. Let's not have dumb happiness that's gonna make us stop thinking about natural predators like the rest of the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, there's a thing of. If you come back from the doctor and say your fit is a fiddle, you shouldn't be bragging about it.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. You gotta throw salt over your shoulders.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. You knock on something or do something, don't be bragging about how, how, how. How great shape you're in because now you're setting yourself up for. It's a superstitious. It's probably. It's a managing of expectations all the time. It's perfect.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like not wanting to make yourself a target by being to anything yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I've started saying it in my act, which is the only Jew in my family was my grandfather. And he would remember he was perfect because he said he'd tell me. He kept wanting. I finally told him I was making a lot of money at some point. And I said, I'm making a lot of money in Hollywood right before he died. And he was like, what? You are? And I said, yeah. And he said, are you making a million dollars? And I said, no, I'm not. I made $540,000 or something. I said, no, I'm not making a million. But the next year I made a million dollars. And he loved the bejesus out of me. I mean, he was, he, if this was a race, a lovin race, he would have come in first by, I mean, everyone else was like, had been hobbled by Bates, you know, Secretariat. Yeah. I mean, he just, he was just opening up lengths in front of everyone else was just depressed and off in their own world. And he loved the bejesus out of me.

[Giovanni]

I didn't know you were getting at it first, so I apologize. My parents were for. Parents were fun as shit. They're really fun and they were silly and always joking around. So in that respect, yes. Was raised in a very. Not loose. They were parents, but you know what I mean? But fun household.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that. No, that's like, hey, we're live and we're happy. We're happy you're alive too. And this is good and you're a blessing and we're glad you're under our roof together. And I like that.

[Allison Rosen]

That's so foreign to what I grew up with. I'm envious. Yeah. No, I know that you don't. You didn't do that either.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's good times. All right, should we do a little bit oh news? And then we'll bring in the great Debbie Gibson. The News with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip.

[Ben Schwartz]

It C. It's Allison. Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Super Tuesday results came in and it was a fairly close race, which means it's going to be a long primary season because oftentimes people know who it's going to be after Super Tuesday, but not this one. So I would say I'm going to downgrade it to ok, Tuesday.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Romney won Alaska, Idaho, Massachusetts, Ohio, Ohio by like they're saying, a razor thin margin. Vermont and Virginia, Santorum Won the thin.

[Adam Carolla]

Part of the razor or the wide part of the razor? Because, you know, razors, they get wide.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, the. I think they cap, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you mean the kind of razor you'd use to, like, cut up cocaine or, like a disposable. Like a twin blade cocaine. Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

That kind.

[Adam Carolla]

And the thin part of the razor.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Not the width.

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Okay, gotcha.

[Allison Rosen]

The edge, the cutting part.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's tight. That is tight.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, that's box cutter's margin.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a little more dull. Box cutter would be more dull.

[Adam Carolla]

Bit of a razor in there.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. Santorum won North Dakota, Oklahoma, and Tennessee and Gingrich won Georgia and Ron Paul won Nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

Just not ready for Ron Paul. Just not ready for him.

[Allison Rosen]

No. Will he still be around when the world is ready for him?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. But I feel like we can reanimate him, get him and Disney on the same ticket.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Ted Williams.

[Adam Carolla]

Ted Williams, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Like the ball of the park.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

If you had enough money, would you have your head frozen so they can bring you back? Just like Walt Disney?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, there's this thing where, you know, first off, I think of the fans.

[Allison Rosen]

Do it for us. You owe. Just like you owe it to us to be happy. You owe it to us to be frozen.

[Adam Carolla]

I. You know, there's that. You can't think like a dead person. You can only think like an alive person who's dead, which never works. Like, I don't want to be laying there staring at the inside of my coffin for eternity, hungry, having to take a piss or shit myself.

[Allison Rosen]

Give me in some comfortable clothes, please.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, like. And what if your ass itches and you can't keep.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God. Yeah, put.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no TiVo. And the sling box. Gary's gonna fuck up the sling box. So you have those kind of thoughts, and then you realize, oh, no, it'll be nothing. And then you think, you know, whenever we've had our surgeries and we've been put under, that moment between the time the guy tells you, start counting backwards, and that point where you're in another room and someone is saying your name, and it's a little bit echoey, that little point, that'll be what it's like. And I don't need to come back from that. That nothingness that I don't need to come back from. Sitting here and thinking about that I need to come back from, but that I don't need to come back from.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel robbed. I didn't get the Counting back, and I didn't get anyone saying my name.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

I got just nothing. And then I felt like I was being moved, and then I was in pain. That's it. I felt them shuffling me onto some other table. I'm gonna go back and have them do it again.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Tell them to do the count backwards thing. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I wanted the count backwards. I wanted to be like you guys. I only got to 97 or whatever they say.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

That's as far as people get.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

An embarrassing moment when they did the count backwards and I was like, 199. And they said, well, we haven't drugged you yet. But it was still having difficulty. I slowed down around 98, you know. Yeah. I'd been practicing. I brought a laminate, but they're just fucking with me.

[Allison Rosen]

So the video that Andrew Breitbart was evidently going to release, the one that makes. The damning Obama video, that makes people think that this is why, you know, conspiracy theorists, why he was eliminated. Looks to have come out. And when he was in college. But he's talking on behalf of Derrick Bell, who was an academic tied to Jeremiah Wright. Anyway, here it goes. I find it not as.

[Adam Carolla]

Open up your hearts and your minds to the words of Professor Derrick Bell. That's it.

[Allison Rosen]

Same style.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now, what makes this so interesting when you think about it? It's. Of course, we hid this throughout the 2008 campaign. So, no, I don't care if they find it now, but because Professor Ogletree, his growth, had been talking about the.

[Allison Rosen]

Video, and I don't know if that's supposed to be the damning thing. The fact that he said that we hid this throughout the 2008 campaign, and then he laughed. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

World of Harvard Law School. Well, is it the Bell thing, or is it the right connection? Or is it both?

[Allison Rosen]

I think it's both.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

I think more will be coming out about this because the Breitbart.com editor in chief and editor at large appeared on Sean Hannity tonight. That hasn't aired yet here, but they'll talk more about it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, we'll. We'll listen to that. I just don't like.

[Allison Rosen]

I.

[Adam Carolla]

That the part I don't like is he went to wright's church for 20 years, but he didn't really listen to him. Was like his thing, which is like, why are you going to his church? Then it's that sort of. I smoked pot, but I didn't inhale. Like, if you went to the guy's Church. And you're into whatever he was saying? I'm not sure exactly what he was saying, but you at least got to say he was into what he's saying. Otherwise, were you just back there just playing that electronic football or something? Like sitting in the back of the chair?

[Allison Rosen]

I feel there are a lot of people who go to church though, and don't inhale, I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

But then why. Because you knew you were gonna. Did your wife drag you? Like what. What was the whole. I don't know what the whole connection was. I don't know how long he went there. I think it was for a long time. I don't know what rights thing is, but just this sort of thing where it's like I went there for 20 years, but nah, I wasn't really. I'm not into the guy. It's gotta be kind of weird because that is who you chose to go listen to on a Sunday, on a. I guess four times a month. So which is it? But either way, it's a game. You gotta get elected. I can dig it. I can dig it. Hope and change. Here it comes.

[Allison Rosen]

In further videotape news, a Hulk Hogan sex tape has surfaced. Yeah, I know. I'm burying the lead. It features Hope getting undressed and a naked unidentified brunette lying on a bed. The woman is not his ex wife Linda, or his current wife, Jennifer McDaniel. In the video, he pulls off his shirt and brags to his companion that he started working out again. And then he runs his hand through his blonde hair. He also evidently has a thong shaped tan line. What now? He claims that he was secretly filmed without his permission, as is often the case with secret filming. And his lawyer is now taking action, saying we will take all necessary steps to enforce both civil and criminal liability. And also, Hulk Hogan can't seem to identify his female co star, claiming that he went on a four month alcohol fueled sex bender between the time he left his ex wife and met his current wife. He says during.

[Adam Carolla]

Matt, where's the porcelain punisher? Matt, finally.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, what's up, boss?

[Adam Carolla]

Get that into my calendar. Okay. Four month. How's that one go? Four month alcohol fueled sex offender.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you gonna do four months at once or are you gonna break it up?

[Adam Carolla]

Matt. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

How's the schedule?

[Adam Carolla]

Surprised me. I know. I gotten at the celebrity Toyota Grand Prix this year. So I'm gonna have to sober up to drive for that now.

[Allison Rosen]

Are we gonna have access to this Google calendar?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got, I got a little. I got a couple races coming up and some live appearances. Well, we'll work some of the sex into the live stuff. Before or after? Surprise you? Surprise me. Surprise me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Giovanni]

You'd be better off stretching this out for four non consecutive months. Really making it last.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. Let's spread it out to the end of the year. Matt, you got a box? Get on the counter. Okay, where were we? Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Make sure to have the sex when you drink though. Cause the alcohol wears off.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. All right, so it's alcohol fueled sex benefit. Yeah, okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

And thong back tan line or no, put that on the calendar. Write shave ass first. As a matter of fact, I got this one.

[Allison Rosen]

You could get a spray. You could just wear a thong and get a spray tan.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm gonna do it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And what happened to. Who were we talking about before? Who had the pictures come out earlier in the week?

[Allison Rosen]

Oliv Munn and Christina Hendricks.

[Adam Carolla]

What happened with them?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, the pictures are still around and skitch.com, which is the website or the pro. I don't know if it's sketch.com or skit, the program that Olivia Munn or whoever evidently used to impose to put the text on the pictures is really the winner here. Because now people are learning about I love when you finger me in the doorway, lick my tight asshole, blah, blah, blah.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. All right, let's focus and stay on point here.

[Allison Rosen]

You so wish I had read the rest of it and I'm glad I didn't.

[Giovanni]

I really do. Apropos to Hulk Hogan. You know how Peter Gary Buell and everyone's getting mad at politicians or whoever for using their songs and like, you know, don't use my song because I'm not down with your politics or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Giovanni]

What's the stop? Why hasn't any politicians jumped on using like wrestling themes? Like, especially, remember Hulk Hogan's wrestling. I don't know if you remember it, but it was like this ridiculous song about like being a real American.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Doesn't it just. Why did they just go here for this? It's a wrestling entrance theme.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Anyway, you're right.

[Allison Rosen]

That would really make people take someone like Romney more seriously if this played behind him.

[Adam Carolla]

And I don't. It just says he's a real American.

[Giovanni]

I don't put any thought into this stuff. All the hair is. Yeah, Ritten Romney, Real American. I'm down with this guy.

[Adam Carolla]

I think also most of the artists are left leaning and most of politicians that use it are right leaning. And that's where the beef comes in. But I'm trying to think of an example where it's like Governor Jerry Brown uses Kid Rock. Wanted to use. Yeah, I was, I was, I was thinking of, I don't know, the guy thinks I want to talk about me, whatever Brian's favorite is.

[Giovanni]

Or. Yeah, the Big guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the Big Guy.

[Giovanni]

Not Travis Tripp, but yeah, we'll think.

[Adam Carolla]

Of it in a second. Toby Keith. Yeah. Right. Like if, if, if, you know. Yeah, let's say Jerry Brown when he used Toby Keith when he came out. But that never happens, does it?

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, I imagine it probably has.

[Adam Carolla]

But no, it's never happened. Never happened. No, I know. But no one goes, oh, I like this song.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that because no one likes the music of right leaning musicians?

[Adam Carolla]

I think most musicians are left leaning.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I think that the. It's funny because the right musicians songs are more sort of patriotic so you think they would use them. But the left doesn't like the overt patriotic stuff. They like the we can do it stuff, but not the hey, here, we'll put a boot in your ass, you know, we're America stuff. They just more like the feel good stuff. Whereas the right guys like the were waving the flag stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

What song would you use if you ran for office?

[Adam Carolla]

I would use the Ides of Mars. I'd use Vehicle by the Ides of Mars. Just cause it's awesome. Just it's got the horns kicking, you know.

[Allison Rosen]

I'd use that yodeling song we play sometimes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Hocus Pocus by Focus. Yeah, that's pretty strong too. That's damn strong.

[Allison Rosen]

I think it's time to bring in Deborah Gibson.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's bring in Debbie. Should we take a break?

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Tip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Oh, Debbie Gibson, everybody. Oh, she's doing the dance. Debbie Gibson, the Grand Slam Charity Jam. She is hosting it. It is Saturday, March 10th. That means this Saturday, the Grand Slam charityjam.com TV show Celebrity Prentice. Of course, we know that. Haven't seen you a while. Good to see you, sweetheart.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Good to see you too.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to just start at the start with Debbie Gibson.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And first, let's jump ahead to the end. I mean, not to the very end, but are the people a lot of. A lot of people who've had a lot of success early on, like yourself, then want to get away from it and then at some point it feels like they've made peace with it and they now enjoy it. Has there been some sort of arc or some sort of thing. It's always been great being Debbie Gibson. Was there a time when you're trying to go, I'm Deborah Gibson, I'm not Debbie Gibson. I'm doing something else. Leave me alone about this. Don't ask me about that.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Actually, you know what the Debbie Deborah thing was very much just, I was Deborah growing up at net 16. I signed my deal with Atlantic Records, and they wanted to go with Debbie. And everybody who knew me up to that point said, who's Debbie? Why are you calling yourself Debbie? And I just always had it in the back of my mind that I wanted to go back to Deborah. Because a lot of people separate their stage Persona and their real life. And for me, I was like, it's just. It's always me. It's one and the same. And I felt this disconnect with the name Debbie so that it was a going back to the name Deborah for me. So it was never a, I'm disowning my pop career and I'm a sophisticated Broadway actress. It was never that.

[Allison Rosen]

Did that bug you that it was interpreted that way?

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yes. And that's why I eventually went, I give up. It's Debbie embrace. So I am. What I eventually embraced was like, that brand name that I built up. And I felt like, well, you know what? It's not up to me. People have a connection to that name, and it's kind of their name in a way. So I went with it.

[Adam Carolla]

So let's start at the start. Where do you grow up and when does it start going on? Like, when do you start singing? When do you start knowing what's your background, what's going on?

[Steve Guttenberg]

Okay. The very, very start was that my parents got a piano before they got a couch. And my dad was an orphan and sang in, like, a barbershop quartet. They were called the Peanuts. And he grew up in this Catholic boy's home. And they used to say, I still have a recording of them singing, if you could imagine this, the Ten Commandments in four harmony.

[Adam Carolla]

He was an orphan.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And he sung in a barbershop quartet. It's so 100 years ago, they were.

[Steve Guttenberg]

On Ed Sullivan and named that tune. And they won a station wagon, but none of them were old enough to drive, so they gave it to one of the nuns.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I thought I'd really go back to the beginning with you, like, pre birth.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Guttenberg]

But then. So my dad always loved music. And my mom said, you know what? We're gonna figure out a way to get a couch. Let's just get the piano now. And so when I was about four years old, I heard Billy, don't be a hero on the radio.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah.

[Steve Guttenberg]

And I ra. Don't be a hero, don't be a.

[Adam Carolla]

Fool with your life.

[Steve Guttenberg]

So I went there.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what song that is.

[Steve Guttenberg]

On the piano, and started playing it. And my. And I just. There was something in me that instinctually knew how to play the piano. And that was the beginning.

[Adam Carolla]

My sister, the moving tale. By the way, you know that song Billy, don't be a hero?

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, I don't know the lyrics I would like.

[Adam Carolla]

She told him. She. It's. It's taught, it's. It's told from the fiance or from the girlfriend. She's saying, don't go off to war, Billy. But Billy says, I'm going off to war anyway. And she's saying, billy, don't be a hero. Don't be a fool with your life, Billy. The. The. I don't think.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I can't remember. Somebody grab us. The lyrics.

[Adam Carolla]

Bo Donaldson and the Haywoods.

[Steve Guttenberg]

All right, so anyway, it's Kay.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. And she's saying, come back. And he says, no, I'm going off to war.

[Steve Guttenberg]

And there you hear.

[Adam Carolla]

And then does something stupid and he gets shot. And at the end she throws the letter away. She's very defiant. And then Deacon Jones slaps her in the head.

[Steve Guttenberg]

That's when there were stories and pop music. Like they're on country now. There they are. Uh huh.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Guttenberg]

This is a random segue, but I'm overtired. So you're gonna get me like children. I don't know all the. Oh, where is it? It's like karaoke. This is awesome. Where is it? Wait, I can't see where we are. I didn't know the verses. Crying through her tears I heard her say billy, don't be a hero don't be a fool with your life, everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Billy, don't be a hero Come back and make me alive by the way, Debbie, I'll take it as you stop Ready to go Keep your pretty headlow Billy, don't be a hero Come back.

[Steve Guttenberg]

To me Trying to harmonize. So either your sound man is just really awesome for giving me the reverb, or he was like, you've been talking too much during press and you. You just sound sucky and I gotta drown you in reverb. One of the two. But thank you. I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

Dawson is trained. Thank you.

[Steve Guttenberg]

So I love the reverb.

[Adam Carolla]

So you Heard me singing that song.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And you're drawn to the piano.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Are you singing that song yet?

[Adam Carolla]

Now you're banging away on the piano. How old are you?

[Steve Guttenberg]

Like four years old. And. And my s. Then my. My sisters actually started. I had two older sisters at the time and now. And a younger sister came along later and they started taking piano lessons. My parents thought I was too young, but I would sit and listen to them practice and then imitate what I heard. And it was just clear that I was drawn to music is the long story short.

[Adam Carolla]

And so now it's all. It's part of your life. Your dad's got that crazy waxed mustache and he's wearing that hat with the red and black striped, like, barber's coat on.

[Steve Guttenberg]

And he did have. At one point, there was a reunion and the guys got together as older guys. Yeah, it was awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Guttenberg]

He has like a Pat Boone crooner type voice, my dad. He's great.

[Adam Carolla]

And so he's playing the piano, he's singing. You're singing, you're drawn to it. And at what age do you make your sort of. Of professional move? Like, when's the first time you get up on stage?

[Steve Guttenberg]

I get up on stage at like 6 in the. In the talent. In the local talent contest and play the Fear Elise. And precocious little thing that I was stood up before they announced the winner. Wow. And afterwards, my mom said, I can't believe you. I said, well, two other people played the Fear Elise and they played it really choppy and with no emotion. And I just knew that I played it better.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Steve Guttenberg]

And I got up and I won. I won the gold medal and the trophy.

[Giovanni]

It's like calling your shot.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yeah, that's pretty funny.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're hooked.

[Steve Guttenberg]

At that point, I was hooked. And then I wanted to be Annie.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Steve Guttenberg]

And auditioned for annie from age 6 to 12. And by the time I was good enough to sing the role, I was too tall. But I would get baggy overalls and bend my knees and they'd measure me. And so they thought I was like, you had to be like, below 4, 7.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Steve Guttenberg]

And I was like 410 or whatever. So anyway, they found me out. That was the end of my Annie dream.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Had that moment.

[Steve Guttenberg]

But luckily we all had the end.

[Adam Carolla]

Of the anti dream.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Was that before you were the second Latina supermodeler? Because that was like my favorite line. I loved that because I love Patricia, but I loved when she said I was the first Latina supermodel.

[Adam Carolla]

I know everyone shouldn't be shouting their resume out at Mr. Trump in the boardroom all the time. Yeah, there's all that. Like, Aubrey O'Day, like, Mr. Trump. I am one of the hardest working, most successful independent women I've ever personally met, myself. It's like, all right, sweetie, give it a goddamn rest, would ya? Get the fuck out of here. This boardroom, the reason we'd be in the boardroom for an hour and a half, they show 20 minutes of it, but we'd be there for an hour and a half because he'd be like, aubrey, who would you fire? I'll tell you who. I wouldn't fire, Mr. Trump. I would not fire a upstart go getter like myself. Who would you fire, Aubrey? I'll tell you. One of the people who's not on my list of people to fire is me, Aubrey. And it's like, oh, right. Like somewhere around the 26th time, I was like, can we waterboard this bitch and get out? Let's get going. Our life's wasting here. She's not answering, Trump. Stop asking her the same fucking question. She wouldn't answer.

[Allison Rosen]

Now that you're watching it, are you getting re annoyed I was standing there annoying?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, because he asked Aubrey 15 times the same question, right?

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yeah, yeah. And then. And then he would ask her, you know, who she would fire, and she would say, when I'm project manager, I could determine that because I'd have all the information. I ended up, oh, there she is now. I ended up really liking her, though. She's like, I don't know her. I think she's just really. I think she's just actually super vulnerable below all of that banter. I'm sure beneath all of that banter.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. Everyone has something that if you cut through it, you can get to the super nice, squishy, soft, nougaty. I'm not interested anymore. I want the nougat on the outside.

[Allison Rosen]

If I got a dick to get.

[Adam Carolla]

To the nugget on the inside, nuts, I'm leaving. I'm tired of digging through that hard candy shell.

[Steve Guttenberg]

See, that's the thing. And I said it once in the boardroom too. I said, she reminds me of me, like, 12 years ago, because I used to want to be the quickest, the sharpest. I actually was proud and pleased when I. When I remember. I can't. I can't say this because I'll be giving something away, but Trump had asked me something relating to something that happened the day before, and I forgot what it Was. And I said, everyone was like, you can't remember? And I was like, no, isn't that great? Like, I don't have to be the girl who remembers everything or everything I did yesterday, or the sharpest, quickest thinker, fastest talker.

[Adam Carolla]

But Mr. Trump, I feel like I am the reason I'm qualified to be the next celebrity. I worked with P. Diddy for over a six month period. I'm a big fan of Puff Daddy. I am down with him. Word up. Yeah. All right. But I. We'll get into that later. So now you're up. You're playing Annie. You're growing up. Where. Where are you?

[Steve Guttenberg]

And I didn't play Annie. And then here's another little funny.

[Adam Carolla]

You're trying to play Annie.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Too tall for Annie. I then got, you're gonna have the bus and truck company. But it was non union. And this was. I had already done a union show. I had done A Christmas Carol playing Belinda Cratchit. And this was like the unofficial moment. My mom became my manager. She sat me down and she said, here's the deal. I know you always wanted to play Annie. We could change your name, hope that Actors Equity does not find out you can do it. And I instantly actually started to cry because I was like, I don't ever want to go to an open call again. I finally got my union card. I mean, I was like 12 years old and I was like, I finally got. I'm not giving it up. And so she laid the facts out for me and I made the decision. And that was kind of like that professional relationship was born.

[Adam Carolla]

And then when did they. So mom became manager. How was that?

[Steve Guttenberg]

How was it? And we still work together. She's at this point more in a. In a consultant type role because I don't have that kind of like need for the babysitter. Manager.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Thing. But you know what? At that time, it was amazing. It was great because. Yeah. Especially in the record business. Being a little girl. I was actually the girl who wanted my mother around.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, how old were you when you got into the record business?

[Steve Guttenberg]

16.

[Adam Carolla]

16. How'd that come about?

[Steve Guttenberg]

I started playing my demos for Atlantic records at like 14 or 15. An entertainment attorney introduced me to the head of the dance department at Atlantic. And I basically, at that time, because there were no little girls doing that, he wanted to make sure, like, let's say the three good songs he heard weren't a fluke. And he said, let me, you know, keep bringing me stuff. Keep bringing me stuff. Literally about a Hundred demos later, I was demoing songs in my garage.

[Adam Carolla]

Were you writing your own stuff?

[Steve Guttenberg]

I was writing and I had the. Had the Tascam 4 track and I had the reel to reel tape. I was splicing tape.

[Allison Rosen]

How did you learn how to do that?

[Steve Guttenberg]

Little rack mount sequencer, a keyboard. Your sound guys are like, yeah. I mean, that was like. I would make radio IDs where I would like, you know, lay in a little personalized jingle for a station and the TV track and splice it, and it was insane. I pretty much like hid the manuals and learned how to do it. I just figured it out.

[Adam Carolla]

It was in you. I mean, that's the whole thing, kids. I mean, it wasn't sports, it was singing.

[Steve Guttenberg]

It was in me. And I before. This is what my mom actually went to. You're getting so the detail. You're like Barbara Walters right now. I'm telling you everything. People always say that, but I was before the studio. I was actually lining up like the Panasonic and Radio Shack tape recorders of my sisters on the ironing board. And I had a Casio keyboard and I was attempting my version of multi track recording. Like, I'd play. I'd play the program drums into one taper, I play them back, I'd play a bass line into the next. It was like I knew that there were layers to the music and I wanted to do it at the end. You basically heard and some arrangement in the faint distance. So my mom went, this is ridiculous. We have to get you the tools you need.

[Adam Carolla]

And what was your dad doing?

[Steve Guttenberg]

My dad, I love this. My dad worked for TWA Airlines for 35 years in customer service. And then behind the ticket counter. And to this day, I have people come up to me and said, you, dad helped me at that counter once. And because eventually when my record came out, he still worked there. He loved it. And nobody checked in, not knowing that he was my dad. They all, how long? He was my dad.

[Adam Carolla]

How long before the record? See, it always seems like, oh, the record came out and then everything exploded. But then a lot of people say, oh, no, nothing happened with the first record. It was two years later or something like that.

[Steve Guttenberg]

It is something like that. It was like it came out and I signed in, like right around my 16th birthday. It was 1986. The record came out. I started playing clubs, like 200. I would play a teen club, a straight club and a gay club all in one night. Change clothes in the car. My sister would do sound and lights. And I had the two gay dancers and my mom. And we were like the Von Trapps. But I was playing clubs in East LA where armed men were escorting us in. And my mom would go, kids, wait in the car. And if I'm not back in 10 minutes, someone coming after me. She always got the money up front.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you remember what kind of money you were getting?

[Steve Guttenberg]

Sicilian tough woman. God, at that time. That's a great question. I was probably in the beginning getting a grand and it was probably costing me more to pay the dancers meeting, you know, and then. And then as the record started climbing up the dance charts, you got more. And I only had three songs and they were extended rem So I would do a half hour show of three songs. Like, you know, there'd be shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake in the middle of Shake your love, Shake your love, you know. And yeah, I'd get done at like six in the morning.

[Adam Carolla]

A little Bo Donaldson in there, you.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Know, if I was on the.

[Adam Carolla]

Just ignite the crowd, you know. Was that him? Yeah. Thank you. See, this is where he's telling us. The captain told Billy to go. He volunteered. She. She forgot what. What he said, you know.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Oh, modulation.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't be a hero don't be a fool when you lie.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Billy, don't be.

[Adam Carolla]

A hero Come back and make me.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Your wife there's that reverb again. I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going up. He said, billy, keep your head low.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Billy, please don't be a hero Come.

[Adam Carolla]

Back to me this is a mic.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now it's poignant. She threw the letter away. Aww.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Do you know what other song? This is so random. If you like Pina Colada. I never realized what a storyline that song had until very recently.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Steve Guttenberg]

There's a whole thing about, like, the unhappy people in the relationship. And I think she puts out a personal ad and he answers it. It's him who shows up.

[Allison Rosen]

Someone just told me about that.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. No, I just thought it was Tina. Claude in the rain.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Guttenberg]

You sing the chorus. You don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I listened. First off, Rupert Holmes. Who? Nothing. Nobody looked less like a pop star than. Than Rupert Holmes from, you know, 19.

[Giovanni]

Sounded less like 1 81.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's how. That's a horrible song. But. So it turned out to be his lady.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Tired of my lady, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Turn him out his lady the whole time. Wouldn't that conversation moments after the hey, it's you. Be hey, bitch. Yeah. Who you try to fuck. So you're just looking through the Penny Saver.

[Allison Rosen]

I Love that.

[Steve Guttenberg]

It's the Penny Saver. And this could be redone with Facebook now. It'd be great.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Show a picture of Rupert Holmes. By the way, if you want to see a great.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I read the paper in bed.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I thought you were in ski goggles.

[Steve Guttenberg]

That's like my 8th grade grade math.

[Adam Carolla]

Teacher, Charles Nelson Riley. No, show. Show the bald one. You're showing a very flattering picture. You're showing him in his freshman year of college. I want to see him singing this song.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Okay. That is. No.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh boy. That's James Lipton.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyone had luck? Yeah. Only Christopher Cross had a worse look.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Why he did not have a follow up hit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Because he went to perform it live and everyone was like, what?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Guttenberg]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Yeah, it's the Pina Colada song.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Oh my God. I didn't think about my lady. I know that sounds kind of mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, where were we?

[Steve Guttenberg]

But me and my lady had fallen into the same old dull.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like we need to hear more young Debbie Gibson songs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I do too. I can smell her perfume. Close my eyes. So now you're doing the clubs and stuff's climbing up the charts. Everything's going, going through the roof and what happened.

[Steve Guttenberg]

And I'm staying. I'm in high school still. Like I'm going to. Oh my God. This is so. With like the soundtrack of my life underneath.

[Allison Rosen]

Behind the music.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Anyway, so it's distracting.

[Adam Carolla]

I was 20, like 2 and working construction. I was like pretty good.

[Steve Guttenberg]

So I had a lot of guys that were like, I basically had your albums in a paper bag under my bed during college. But don't tell anybody.

[Allison Rosen]

One time I wore a hat to school and my friend said, very Debbie Gibson.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Really?

[Allison Rosen]

I couldn't really pull off the hat. You could have. You did.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So. So when, when does, when does it become official? Like, when is that? We hit a, you know, platinum. When is the real success?

[Steve Guttenberg]

And you know, it's so strange. It's like I was so in the thick of it, doing something every day that I don't. It was such a gradual climb for me. It was like, oh, one person recognized me, three people recognized and you know, I was. It was about, I think it was a little over a year, like 65 weeks or something. It took the song to get to the top five from the time it was released. And again back then it was. Those weeks were, you know, filled. I was the most exhausted 17 year old you met.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there any stories about being screwed over by the record company? And never being properly compensated.

[Steve Guttenberg]

No, actually, I gotta tell you, my mom, she made me some killer deals.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

How did she know? She just had good business sense.

[Steve Guttenberg]

She did. I mean, she did not go to college. She went right from high school. She went on an interview to become to be a secretary. Couldn't type to save her life. Lied, bluffed, got the job, turned to the girl on the first day of the job, sitting next to her and said, you have to teach me how to type. And that's just always the way she was. She was like, you know what? I better figure this out so my daughter doesn't get ripped off.

[Adam Carolla]

So you never had any big blowouts with Mama? I mean, I'm sure you had disagreements, but most of the time when mama or daddy is doing the managing, there's always some part, whether it's a fighter or a pop singer. There's always that Chris Jenner, Joe Jackson thing.

[Steve Guttenberg]

No, I mean, we've always had, I would say the normal. Probably the normal mother daughter stuff and the normal manager client stuff all rolled into one. The queen. The great thing about it being my mom was, you know, there might have been times a client would have left her or she would have left a manager, would have left me.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Steve Guttenberg]

And we didn't. You know what I mean? And we stayed in it, which ended up being a really good thing.

[Adam Carolla]

What was the pinnacle for Debbie Gibson? The best year or two.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

You remember having that moment where somebody called you? Frank Sinatra called.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Billy Joel wished me yes. He called me to wish me a happy birthday.

[Adam Carolla]

Billy Joel did, yes.

[Steve Guttenberg]

And he was always my favorite growing up. There was a Elton. I always liked the Piano men and the Broadway women. I liked Elton John. Billy Joel, I love. And I actually. I own one of Liberace's all glass and mirrored pianos. I was a Liberace fan. I went to. He was my first live show ever.

[Adam Carolla]

You ever go to the mirror you.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Need a picture of?

[Adam Carolla]

Libertarian show? Ever?

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you ever go at West Ray Music Fair? You ever go to the Liberace Museum?

[Steve Guttenberg]

I didn't because I feel like I live in the Liberace Museum. I see his piano.

[Adam Carolla]

One of them claims to be a Liberace fan. The other's been to his museum in Las Vegas, Nevada.

[Steve Guttenberg]

And I just love that piano.

[Giovanni]

She has liberation glass piano, but doesn't have her own perfume.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yeah, I know we were talking about this before. I don't have. I don't have any more Electric Youth perfume. I have one broken bottle and a dresser I didn't know ebay someone had.

[Adam Carolla]

The ultimate showman and he never could slow down long enough to get married. I remember those stories.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Was that movie being made? I heard Michael Douglas was supposed to play him and Matt Damon was supposed to play his lover.

[Adam Carolla]

The movie that needs. There's certain things in our society that we, that we all sort of. Everyone remembers or recognizes or goes, yeah, I know that story. And we make a big deal out of some of it and not so much out of the other. And like the Liberace thing, like for instance, everyone remembers like, oh, there's David Hasselhoff and he's drunk and he's eating a cheeseburger and he's talking to his daughter. Right, okay, so what? He's in a hotel and then everyone remembers Alec Baldwin. Like he's leaving there. Hey, little piggy, stop being a bitch and put your mom on the phone. Message on his daughter's phone. What people sort of forget about is.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Liberace pretending to be straight.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's that. And then there's like his 21 or 22 year old boyfriend when he was, I don't know, 50, who was getting plastic surgery to look like Liberace.

[Steve Guttenberg]

See, I didn't even know that.

[Allison Rosen]

That's just flattering.

[Adam Carolla]

He was fucking himself. Like he was getting this young kid plastic surgery and done up to look like Liberace at age 21. Find me a picture. Find me something. Now, the Liberace probably went in his mid-50s, something, something. Later. Later-50s. It's like he's been around our whole life. But on the other hand, when you're young, you think 57 is ancient. He's not that old. But he was in his, I don't know, early 60s, late 50s, whatever. It was his boyfriend who, and there was a lawsuit, was getting a bunch of plastic surgery done to look like Liberace, which is super creepy. Yeah, super creepy.

[Allison Rosen]

But a great movie plot.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Saying that should be a movie, right?

[Adam Carolla]

It should. And the fact.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Oh my God. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But the fact that not that many people.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Behind the candelabra. Yes, I love that. It was like, like they're behind the music. Find out. Behind the candle.

[Adam Carolla]

Find out how old the Liberace was when he went and. And find out. I know he went in a car accident, but I'm trying to think who. No, I'm trying to think. I want to see pictures of this dude. Because I am telling you, that's part of the dude's lawsuit and part of the dude's Story that he was being forced to undergo procedures to look like Liberace and then fuck Liberace. That's so weird. Alison, would you want to. Fuck you. I know I would.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I'd give it a go.

[Adam Carolla]

67, not crap.

[Allison Rosen]

Some curious person.

[Adam Carolla]

Not bad.

[Giovanni]

Palm Springs. You're not there.

[Adam Carolla]

It is one of those things where I think if you have aids, they go, come on down to Palm Springs and die.

[Giovanni]

I talked to publicist. He died in pneumonia.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry. That's right. Respiratory problem. So we'll find the story out as we go. But anyway, so best year, Sorry. Billy Joel called.

[Steve Guttenberg]

There was like, a whole chapter of Elton John and Billy Joel. Like, I went to Madison Square Garden to see Elton John in concert. Concert. And before the show, he said, would you like to come up and do a song with me at the end? First of all, he's like, oh, your song is number 17 on the charts this week, isn't it? And it's. He just. He loves current pop culture, you know, he said, and, you know, Billy's gonna come up and do a song, too, so he has his own keyboard, so you'll have to share mine with me. And I was like, oh, twist my arm. So the song was actually Lucy in the sky with Diamonds.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Steve Guttenberg]

And I kind of played by ear and sang some harmonies, and it was amazing. And then the next week, Billy invited me on stage to do Keeping the Faith at NASA Coliseum.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Steve Guttenberg]

But I think it was, like, Billy wouldn't have been the first. It was, like, proven that I could do it. And so then Billy felt comfortable inviting me up.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Kind of funny. But yeah, One of his crew members came and got me out of the audience near the encore and said, hey, Billy wants to know if you want to come up with.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no idea.

[Steve Guttenberg]

No idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Just there to watch.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Just jumped. And he said, take the piano. Take the grand piano down front. He'll take the keyboard in the back.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Oh, wow.

[Steve Guttenberg]

It was insane. So there was that whole. Cause anybody you grow up idolizing, I mean, my first single was Crocodile Rock. My first album was 52nd Street. And there I was on the stage with them, and it was. I mean, that was one of the. That was definitely that moment.

[Adam Carolla]

Any. Any creepy guys ever? Any, like, any creepy dudes? Come on. Ya.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I. I had a naked escapee from a mental institution jump the fence of our house in Long Island.

[Giovanni]

Billy Joel.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yeah, that Billy. Actually, I think it was Dee Snider. He was my neighbor on Long island on the. That street, actually. But, yeah, I Actually, that actually happened.

[Adam Carolla]

But how about, like, celebrity guys, like, you know, the publicist calls. You know, that's super creepy. Oh, their publicist calls.

[Steve Guttenberg]

No, I didn't get that. Although, you know, it's really funny. I did Hollywood Uncensored today. I taped it with Andy Dick, and he reminded me that he was trying to date me, like, 12 years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Didn't work out.

[Steve Guttenberg]

That didn't work out.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't see you two together.

[Steve Guttenberg]

No, I didn't either. Yeah, sweet guy, but no, sober. He is now.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, good. Yeah, soon he'll be naked and over somebody's fence and being tased. But for now, sober. All right, shall we do a little Totally topical TiVo trivia?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

Give me a second.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Actually, you know, you just reminded me I actually did have. And I don't even remember who it was. It was somewhat. It was. It was royalty in England. Somebody that there was. That tried. And I just went. I don't know that person. I can't just show up and go to some gala with some guy I don't know even if he has a prince. But it was a member of the royal family.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they. It's part of.

[Steve Guttenberg]

They do. Yes. They target, like, watch TV and they.

[Adam Carolla]

Go, I want to be with that person. And then that's. That's kind of what happens. And the celebrity guys do that. I mean, they're publicists. They just look at the TV and they go, hey, I want that chick from that commercial. Or they singing that song for it. Yeah, it's kind of nice.

[Allison Rosen]

That must have been weird dating, though, being you.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yeah. But I somehow managed to have some kind of normalcy in the middle of all of that. And I don't know, you know, I lived in New York, and I had, like, kind of some kind of normal lifestyle going on, and I met people in normal ways. And.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you go to normal high school?

[Steve Guttenberg]

I did, but it was the most abnormal experience.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Especially after all that.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I mean, I stayed in high school thinking that I said, I want to be normal.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I should have in high school.

[Giovanni]

But do they play your songs at the prom?

[Steve Guttenberg]

And they're inducting me into the hall of fame this year. They. Yeah, they. They did play one of my songs at the junior prom, and I wasn't uncomfortable. It's very uncomfortable. But people.

[Allison Rosen]

I would have been like, play this. Here's a tape.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I ask you a quick Celebrity Apprentice question?

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Because I. I don't. I don't know this, because everyone always says to Me. Well, what made you decide to do Celebrity Apprentice? I go, I don't decide to do anything. Somebody calls, and it just sort of. I go, I don't know. When is it? How long does it take? Oh, okay. I mean, everything is like, I didn't decide to write a book. Somebody told me to write a book. Or, you know, everyone tells me everything, and I just go, yeah, all right. So. But then I realized some people may have wanted to do it. Some people may have campaigned for it, Some people may have turned it down in the past. How did it work with you? Because I'm not sure what everyone's story is.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yeah, it's a great question. They called me before or they met with me before the summer, and I said I would think about it. I had not really seen the show that much, and they gave me the DVDs, and I was on the road touring this past summer with Tiffany.

[Allison Rosen]

Actually, she did not write her own songs, but did perform in malls.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Steve Guttenberg]

But she's a seriously killer singer. Like, if people could put aside whatever they, you know, perceptions. She's a killer.

[Adam Carolla]

Good chop.

[Steve Guttenberg]

So amazing. Amazing. Great gal. Great gal. Any. It was just kind of grueling, and I was exhausted, and I thought, do I want to pretty much get home and turn myself around and go in, like, just purposely tax my nervous system for however long I'm gonna be on the show? And I said, no. And I said no, like, three different times. And they kept saying, really? Rethink it, rethink it, rethink it. And ultimately, two things. First of all, now, if anybody says they do this show only for the charity aspect, they're lying, because everyone knows it's a great big press platform for everything else you're doing. And that's, you know, something to consider. But the charity aspect did keep nagging at me because I was like, I work with Children International, and I literally. I start to get. I'm like. I become a total girl talking about it. I get choked up. I was in Manila last year, and I started sponsoring. I started sponsoring kids through them when I was 18. And then last year, I started sponsoring eight new kids. And I just felt like, this is like a bird in the hand time. I can maybe put them on the map in a big way, maybe get them a bunch of money, a lot of awareness, a lot of people sponsoring kids, and you were there. So, you know, like, I think. I think without that as the backbone of the show, it would have felt really strange to wake up every day and do the things we did.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I was kind of like, I don't. I didn't have the desire to just be on TV or just run around in circles with a bunch of other celebrities.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, I agree. I mean, it's pretty. It's pretty taxing. It's pretty grueling. And then there's a lot of, like, get in the van and stay in the van and wait in the van and sit in the van.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Well, look at you. Like, you're here in your studio. You run your own show, you run your own life.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Steve Guttenberg]

And then there are people that come from the reality world that are now celebrities from reality shows that are on our reality show. And so they're kind of used to being like they're a hired hand and they're into the press and all that. And I'm kind of like, well, there were a lot of odd moments.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a lot of. For me, there's a lot of. I'm very independent, but independent sounds good. I'm more of a loner or whatever. The negative version of independent person.

[Allison Rosen]

Antisocial.

[Adam Carolla]

Antisocial. Thank you.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I am, too, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. And I just sort of want to walk and be left alone for the most part, especially when there's a camera in your face for 13 hours. And so it's this sort of thing where it's like, all right, you're finished making your sandwiches. You've been up for 13 hours, and they put you in the van, and you're sitting in the van and you're like, all right, it's 10:00, and we got to be down. We got to be down in makeup at 6am or Debbie has to be. I got to be down the line.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Three other girls for the makeup artist.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I got to be down the lobby at 7am and I want to get the fuck out of here. And they go, well, we got to wait, because Paul Senior is doing a testimonial thing around the corner. They're doing an interview with him, which they haven't really woven into any of the episodes thus far. Oh, yeah, I haven't seen it, but I'm sitting in the van and I'm like, all right, listen, we. Where are we on 53rd? Oh, listen, I'm walking. I'm just. No, you can't walk.

[Steve Guttenberg]

You cannot walk.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm like, listen, I love walking. It's nighttime. It's New York. I'll sign a release if I get gang raped. Just let me walk. I can fucking get to that.

[Allison Rosen]

I Can't let you get gang raped without filming it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the hotel is seven miles from here. Yeah, let me walk. And then they're like, no, we gotta wait for Arsenio and Paul. And I'm like, well, I got an idea. Just drive me to the hotel, drop me off and then circle back.

[Steve Guttenberg]

And by the time I think you were a school child, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And they're like, no, we gotta, they gotta wait. And the thing, the only time I really lost it is I was just sitting in the van. Sitting in the van, sitting in the van. And then certain point, and there was like the chick who was like sitting with me, listening to me the whole time, like kind of rolling her eyes. I'm going, look, just let me walk. I'll walk to my room.

[Allison Rosen]

She's a producer or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And she was bothering me because she sounded exactly like Sarah Silverman and she looked exactly like Sarah Silverman. But she said, no one has ever told that to her. And she totally denied it, but she was exactly Sarah Silverman. But she had blonde hair was the problem. So it screwed everyone up. But at a certain point, finally, after like 20 minutes, and you know, it's like that clock is like, come on, we gotta be down in the lobby at 7 tomorrow morning. I'm exhausted. At a certain point, Paul Sr. Gets into the van and they like shut the door. And then she opens the door again and goes like, hold up a second, Paul, I want to ask you a quick question. And I'm like, really? Really? It was a situation where I think we're waiting for Paul, but it's like Arsenio was sitting in the van with me the whole time. And she stopped to ask Arsenio something when we were finally getting ready to leave. And I said what I always say, which is, is there a surprise party for me back at the hotel? And somebody just called you and told you we're out of helium and we can't fill the balloons and we need an extra or three minutes. Are you fucking serious? Cause I could have walked to the hotel and walked back and walked back again in this time.

[Steve Guttenberg]

And then, and then also during the tasks, it was the same issue for me. Like, I'm a New Yorker, so I'm used to, like, I have a thought, I need to get something. I run out the door and I go. And it was the same thing. You have to give the van a half hour notice. You gotta take someone with you. You've gotta. And then it was the same thing. Oh, you've gotta wait and You a.

[Adam Carolla]

Lot of sitting in the van.

[Steve Guttenberg]

If you got in the van and within three seconds didn't tell, give them the route you wanted. They purposely took you a, you know, the long way in traffic to.

[Adam Carolla]

You could walk. You could walk from the International to the Trump Tower, wherever we were, much faster than you could by going through Central park in the van and getting stuck in gridlock and all. So if you're like us, why did.

[Allison Rosen]

They do it that way?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the whole thing is we want to keep you together, we want to keep you agitated, and we want to film you basically like that when you're walking through Manhattan, you're none of those three. All right, what's to say about Liberace over here, Al?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, okay. Thorson says he reconstructed my entire face. As a matter of fact, I just had the implant for my chin taken out. King says, to make you look. What? This is his appearance on Larry King. Thorson says, well, he brought the surgeons in. I picked him up in my Rolls Royce. I drove. They were in Las Vegas. I picked him up and brought him to a Las Vegas mansion on Shirley Street. And Lee was introduced to the doctor. And he says, I want you to come with me. And Lee walked him through, went into the, you know, into the bedroom and said there was a picture of Liberace. Oh, I guess he was probably in his 30s. I guess probably in 30s, Larry. He says, I want you to create Scott to look like me when he was younger, so he looks like my son. He wanted me as his son, but at the same time, he wanted me as his lover. And then King says, bizarro. That's icky.

[Adam Carolla]

Super creep. I mean, so the idea is bizarre.

[Steve Guttenberg]

But obviously it was so taboo to be gay then, and people actually believed all these movie stars were straight and people like Liberace were straight. And.

[Adam Carolla]

But the fact that we're all aware of. Of Alec Baldwin calling his girl a piggy, no one really knows this. It's like this is the Holocaust. And that other one was a, you know, just a little skirmish.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I'm getting a vision of Clay Aiken.

[Adam Carolla]

Playing Liberace in the Broadway musical that I would watch. I love it.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I think he could do it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, should we. Do you know what? Let's just skip ahead and go and do some. Finish up some news with Alison Rosen. And now the rest of the news with Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Apple announced the new iPad today. People are very excited. And first of all, it is just being called the new iPad, not the iPad3, just the new iPad. And it's going to have high definition screen, a faster wireless connection, and it's a little heavier. And it comes out March 16th and it'll be $499.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's in charge of being out there and delivering the net? Stephen Jobs anymore. Right. Can't prop him up. Gotta have another guy's kind of, you know, not overly dressed.

[Allison Rosen]

It's the company's new chief executive, Timothy D. Cook.

[Giovanni]

That's a tough fill in job, isn't it?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

You think like Steve Young and Aaron Rodgers had it tough.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

This guy's got it pretty bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, I know. And you get up there and like stammer a little, an iPhone comes flying at your head. It's a scraggly ass off stage. Rather hear this from Jobs corpse more interesting than you.

[Giovanni]

Nice mock turtleneck.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, dude. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And the product will have a screen that provides a comparable level of clarity to the iPhone's retina display with higher resolution than conventional high definition television.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Do they have all this technology already available to us and they just keep stringing it out so we keep buying new things.

[Adam Carolla]

I think those aliens like in Area.

[Steve Guttenberg]

51, I mean, we have to be way more advanced than we are. Right. And there have to be the next wave of products they're making.

[Allison Rosen]

You say that right now.

[Adam Carolla]

I want a goddamn toast. I want a fast toaster. That's my thing.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't care about you not have time for toast.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Toast takes like a micro toast.

[Adam Carolla]

Same time as we took in the 40s. It's exactly the same. It's just tungsten. You ever make a sandwich where you toast? Like sometimes I love a toasted sandwich, but I'll opt out because I don't have the time for the toast. And I find myself staring at the.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Toaster going, I have a hello Kitty toaster. It imprints hello Kitty on the toast.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Wow.

[Steve Guttenberg]

How cool am I?

[Giovanni]

And you don't have your own perfume.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Wow. But it takes a while.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you buy this at Sanrio? Does that still exist, that store?

[Steve Guttenberg]

It does, but I got it, I'm embarrassed to say, in a gift suite. Oh my God. There it is. Look.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, wow. Oh. See, that's different than what I expected. It totes the outline of hello Kitty.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I didn't see that Charlize Theron movie. Young adult? No, young adult. But there's a whole hello Kitty thing in there about how it's like some. It's just so weird that it's acceptable for adult women to wear hello. I have hello Kitty Clothing. And I am kind of in denial of my age and refused to grow up. But it is very strange how that's trendy and acceptable for adult women to own hello Kitty coasters.

[Allison Rosen]

Missy. Did you like this stuff when you were a teenager, though?

[Steve Guttenberg]

Not really.

[Allison Rosen]

Your lost youth.

[Steve Guttenberg]

That's it. It's my lost electric coming out in her toast. It's kind of cool and kitschy now, you know.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, see, my boyfriend doesn't have a microwave. That's what I always say. I want to buy him one for me, but I feel like I would just.

[Adam Carolla]

I couldn't get him a microwave, man. I got one in my car. It reanimates everything. I mean, how do you bring.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Although I did hear that, like, if you microwave chicken or something, it's no longer chicken. Like, it's no longer the makeup of chicken anymore.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm fine with that, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Guttenberg]

As long as it's hot and quick.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. You get them a microwave that way. Yeah. If you love him, you'll get him a microwave.

[Allison Rosen]

He loves me. He'll get a microwave.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's a good point.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I'm feeling this new micro toaster product that you're going to develop.

[Adam Carolla]

Who wouldn't go out and buy a toaster that just took like 15 seconds instead of 10 minutes? And the microwave does a shitty job warming water. Like when you know you're gonna make some tea or something, you put that mug in the microwave. You're like, the pot that's been used for several thousand years is actually with the flame under it, actually faster than this.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Have you done corn on the cob in the microwave? It's great.

[Adam Carolla]

No?

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yeah, you keep. Put the, like the husks kind of back on. Put butter in there, rubber bands around it.

[Adam Carolla]

Rubber bands.

[Steve Guttenberg]

You flip it like every 45 seconds. It's awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I know, it's kind of crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello Kitty.

[Allison Rosen]

It doesn't pop.

[Steve Guttenberg]

We digress.

[Allison Rosen]

I want it to just be popcorn on it.

[Steve Guttenberg]

No, it doesn't pop.

[Allison Rosen]

So psychologists are chiming in about men with beards and the role that the beards play and how men are perceived. And apparently. So they did a study on this. And women do not rate bearded faces as more attractive than clean shaven faces. Potentially tough news.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I look around for men with guys in the studio. Beards, everybody has kind of scruff. Not really.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm just being lazy. I'll shave tomorrow.

[Allison Rosen]

To assess how beards affected perceptions of men's age, attractiveness, social status and aggressiveness, the scientists showed people Of European descent in New Zealand, as well as Polynesians in Samoa.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't pull a beard if you're Samoan.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't have the whiskers.

[Allison Rosen]

I call bullshit. It pictures of the same men with and without full beards as they displayed neutral smiling and angry facial expressions. Both men and women said that with beards, the men looked older and more aggressive than they did with their beard shape.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody had to do this study.

[Allison Rosen]

They also found that people with beards were hairier.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. And that they look more feminine when they applied kissing potion. No shit. Of course it's weird because young guys are growing beards.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, that's the point.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're. And they're sort of looking more older now. Old guys are growing beards ironically to look younger. Because young dudes have beards.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And because dudes are getting fatter, they're all growing the goatee because it's a.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Way to kind of shading and elongating.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You can create. You can carve a chin in your face. Like, dudes are big now. I mean, there was never this many big dudes. And so you see the big dudes and the big dudes take the. It's like somebody. It's. It's almost like a plastic surgeon takes a sharpie and goes, okay, we'll make your chin line here, and then we'll add definition there. And it's like they shave their chin line in, like, you're not sure where their chin ends and their neck begins, but they'll show you with a beard.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I'm suddenly, though, kind of envious of men because I'm looking at you guys, and there is, like, this natural shading that you guys can do. If you're feeling a little bloated one.

[Allison Rosen]

Day, you can just shave. That's it. They can do that now, right?

[Steve Guttenberg]

I'm Italian. I probably could.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Snooki is engaged and pregnant now.

[Adam Carolla]

Damn it.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I know. We're talking about it. That's what's killing me.

[Adam Carolla]

Off the market.

[Steve Guttenberg]

We're talking about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Another one bites the dust, Brian.

[Allison Rosen]

She's 15 weeks into her pregnancy.

[Adam Carolla]

No more.

[Allison Rosen]

She's engaged to her boyfriend Gianni, which is not just the way she pronounces Johnny. It's actually spelled Gianni.

[Steve Guttenberg]

People have to go, like, jump through hoops, you know, respectable older couples to adopt children. And Snooki can go have a baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yep.

[Allison Rosen]

She's had a lot of work done on her face.

[Adam Carolla]

Has she?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

What? You owe me a coke, baby.

[Allison Rosen]

You guys are so on the same wavelength. Yeah, that was like hello Kitty.

[Adam Carolla]

Tony, Toast popping Tiffany. Next year, you take the ace man out on stage.

[Steve Guttenberg]

That'll be a unique double bill.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you guys know this one by Billy Don't Be a Hero by Bo D? Yes, we know it. You played a 12 time round. 2, 3, 4. Don't be a hero. Don't. Yeah, we'll just keep rolling into it.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it me? Are they just doing the same song over and over again or did I have a stroke? What's going on?

[Steve Guttenberg]

Oh, my God.

[Allison Rosen]

Then you just deny. You just say you're doing 12 different.

[Adam Carolla]

Songs and I can kill time because I'm used to killing time on stage. I'll get out there and go, you know, in this time of war, in this time of strife, there's a song. Right? Right. Just starts in background. Even though it was written what some people call a genius many years ago, it foreshadowed some of the events that are taking place right here, right now. Sometimes separated by oceans, but never by motions.

[Steve Guttenberg]

For the 44th time tonight, rhyming motion and emotion. I think she's done that.

[Adam Carolla]

Bo Donnelly. What's his name? Bo Donaldson in the Haywoods. Bo, wherever you are. Oh, he's still alive. But I still mean it. Wherever you are, you'll be somewhere. Right? Look, he's not here. That's my goddamn boy. Debbie Singh. I'm winded. We just go right into it again.

[Allison Rosen]

Pans a crowd. We're dabbing at their tears.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. If you call yourself an American or even Canadian, you stand up on your feet, light your lighters, and get ready for the 45th rendition of this song. That'd be awesome, right?

[Steve Guttenberg]

Do you know I wanted to sell lighter because it was like an 80s tour last year and I wanted to sell lighters and a lot of the venues won't allow it.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. It's a great.

[Steve Guttenberg]

So they hold up the flame on the iPhone and it's so lame.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Kids today don't know what they're missing.

[Allison Rosen]

I wonder where that started, the whole holding up a lighter during a song.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Understood the Dawson must know symbolism of it.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Look it up.

[Allison Rosen]

Torch song.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like somebody could claim they did it right.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what I mean, Mr. Bick?

[Adam Carolla]

You'd have. You'd have a hard time arguing.

[Steve Guttenberg]

But I feel like there could be like an actual merchandise item. You know, the ballad lighter that you use.

[Adam Carolla]

Ballad lighters bring it back whenever. And whoever it was definitely linked to a Ballad and it was sort of like.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Sort of like claiming, like, the guy claims he started the stadium wave.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, and everyone knows that guy knows the guy that pulled the gerbil out of Richard Gere's butt.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Everyone knows one of those guys who know one of those guys.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I know that, too.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I know the gerbil.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a lighter. To get him out of there.

[Steve Guttenberg]

He's the lighter. I said smoked him out.

[Adam Carolla]

Come toward the flame. I'm gonna say it was moth the hoople. Come to the light. Yeah, we'll figure it out.

[Allison Rosen]

A woman named Lindsey Blankmire is suing her college, her former college, because she claims that her roommate had too much sex while she was there.

[Adam Carolla]

Blankmire, by the way, sounds like the name that gets you beat up.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Wild guess. The girl on the right is suing the girl on the left. Well, because she doesn't look like the girl on the left.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Steve Guttenberg]

And she's jealous.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll go with that. But doesn't it sound like you'd go like.

[Allison Rosen]

But you're wrong. No, it's the one on the left who's suing the school. The one on the left is the one who wasn't having all the sex.

[Steve Guttenberg]

No, the one on the right.

[Allison Rosen]

This is for the podcast listeners. We should probably describe them. The one on the right looks like she has a stick up her butt named Fred. And the one on the left is the one who is a little floody.

[Steve Guttenberg]

A little flutty. You can say it. We can say it on.

[Adam Carolla]

The one on the left looks like she's ready to party.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yes, she does.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, maybe she was for all those years, and instead, all she got to do was listen to her roommate get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The one on the right sort of looks like the teacher from Fast Time at Ridgemont High where they went to the morgue. You'll find that guy.

[Allison Rosen]

No, see, this is college right there. It's ugly. People having sex in front of you.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Which is why when people say, do you feel you missed anything? Not going to college, I say, no, that's what I missed.

[Giovanni]

You guys are looking this all wrong. You'll see this on AdamCarolla.com, the girl on the left wearing a rosary around her neck, the girl on the right wearing some guy's shirt from the night before.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that really a rosary?

[Giovanni]

I don't know.

[Steve Guttenberg]

It kind of looks like it sounded good.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, what's your name? Blankstein.

[Allison Rosen]

Blankmire. Lindsey Blankmire.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm telling you, I feel like if this was a black man's last name and a cop pulled him over and like, what's your name?

[Allison Rosen]

They let him go.

[Adam Carolla]

Joe Blankmire. Be all right. I'm getting you out of the car and beating the shit out of you unless you give me a real name. Like, Blankmire just sounds like a name you give the authority to. Basically telling the cop to fuck off. Yeah, like when you think you got a chicken shit ticket. Blankmire.

[Allison Rosen]

You could use that.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a lot.

[Giovanni]

This is Schiavelli.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, Schiavelli. That's the. Look, there he is. That's her. Now look, he was in ghost. Look at the direction of the eyes. Could easily be one of. Could have sprang from his loins. All right, anyway. Suing for too much sex.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Well, she's saying that she is prone to depression and the condition, her living conditions made her more depressed. And then when she complained to the college, they didn't do enough to get her single, and she ended up having to live in a hotel.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. But hearing. Hearing the sex depressed her?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Well, yeah, it was just not conducive to her mental state. And it was not just hearing. Well, I mean, they shared a room, so she saw it. And also she witnessed the girl having inappropriate video chats.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

And she's suing for $150,000 in damages.

[Adam Carolla]

What school is she suing?

[Allison Rosen]

Stonehill College.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Good old Stonehill.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Where is it?

[Allison Rosen]

In Massachusetts.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Home of the fighting gravel. Wow. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I can't believe their mascot is just a big rock.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

When I was in college, I heard sex I didn't want to hear through the wall.

[Adam Carolla]

Why? Why did you not want to hear it? Because you knew what they looked like.

[Allison Rosen]

Actually, the girl was very pretty.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, then you should want to hear that.

[Allison Rosen]

If I were a guy. Well, usually who's into girls.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, hold on. Pretty girls usually get with good looking guys.

[Allison Rosen]

This is what she sounded like. She's very squeaky.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe they just need some lube. I've had that happen. Sounded rusty. Like a rusty cabin door. I've had that happen.

[Allison Rosen]

Like beaker from the mop. It's me.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Me, me, me, me, me, me.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Wow.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I'm so glad I didn't go to college.

[Allison Rosen]

It was really weird. Weird and high pitched and squeaking.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a. Well, but she was hot, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, she was, but I just felt like, oh, no, I Don't want to be hearing this.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I had a. When my dad had a little shitty apartment in North Hollywood a million years ago, when we used to go, like, stay in room, it just had a long hallway that just shared a long hallway with the unit next to it. And one night, just all night, just like, you know, just the chicks, like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my. Oh, my God.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was like. I remember going.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I like the slowing down at the Me.

[Adam Carolla]

I remember saying to my dad, like, that. This. I was like nine, you know, I was like, this one. You know when you do the. The serious sex to a nine year old through a wall, like, it sounds violent. Yeah. It's like. It's like this woman was sick. I thought I pictured her, like, vomiting, being nauseous, you know, because it was like, oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, God, no. Oh, God, no. God, no. And I was like. My dad was like, hey, dad, you gotta call an ambulance. Like, this woman, he's like, like, soon as I'm done beating off.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, that's my guy.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, Justin Bieber's mother, Patti Melay, or Mallet, but we think it's probably Mallet, has inked a deal with a Christian book publisher to write an intimate memoir about her difficult youth and how she turned it all around when she became pregnant with Justin. In the book, she will open up about her traumatic upbringing, which included violence, substance abuse, and a suicide attempt at age 17.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on a second. I want a real suicide attempt. I don't want this fucking book selling like, you know, Marcia Brady. I was strung out on coke. You did a couple of fucking rails with Jan in 1987. That is not strung out on coke. I don't want the. I was raped when the guy put his hand on your thigh. I want some raping. I want some coking. I want some molesting. You hear me, Brian? I want something. I want some abuse. I don't want this bullshit where you just sell books and nothing ever really happened.

[Allison Rosen]

Might I recommend Drew Barrymore's Little Girl Lost to you. Moving.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Some good abuse.

[Allison Rosen]

Some real drug use at age 9.

[Adam Carolla]

Any raping? Not that I remember, and no can do.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Hard bargain.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. So she was abused.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

So dismissive.

[Steve Guttenberg]

You know, it kills me. The mother's posing on the red carpet like in that picture.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, because they have that sort of warmed over. We wanted this look.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yes, like Dina Lohan. Same thing.

[Allison Rosen]

I remember Cyrus's mom.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I remember meeting Lindsay on a red carpet And Dina was posing. And I turned to my mom and I said, thank you for never posing on a red carpet.

[Adam Carolla]

And she was posing.

[Steve Guttenberg]

But yes, those solo fashion shots for the mom.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

It is so. Yeah. It's so weird and creepy. Yeah, very.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Gypsy Rosalie and Mama Rose and not.

[Adam Carolla]

And especially when you're not there and no one's there for you.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I mean, even the book is.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. It's coming out at the same time as Justin's second picture book.

[Adam Carolla]

It's doing a picture book.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like maybe your mom could write an intimate memoir. I feel like I should write it. That could be my next book.

[Adam Carolla]

My mom doesn't know anything about me. No.

[Allison Rosen]

About herself.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, her story. What'd she know about her? Let's see. Yeah. Oh, God, I would never read that book. God, that'd be sad.

[Allison Rosen]

Chapter 12, primal scream therapy. And my friend, son Ray.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, no, no. My mom got taken away by child protective services and raised by her horrible grandparents. Like, she had a horrible, horrible life.

[Allison Rosen]

So your grandmother.

[Steve Guttenberg]

My dad could have written the orphan. The singing orphan book. Yeah, but he didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

I know he didn't. He should have. Yeah. We should have got a piano and.

[Allison Rosen]

Said you had a couch.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we were nuts.

[Steve Guttenberg]

We had a sofa.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. She got left. She got. Got taken away. It was one of these bullshit stories. Like, I talked to my grandma about it before she died, and it was like this weird. Like one and one doesn't equal two stories. But, you know, you don't feel like hassling the 91 year old woman too much, but you're kind of like just trying to get a few things. Like my grandma said, first you get that I'm gonna enjoy playing this card if I ever get to that age too, where I get to tell people it was a different time. Yeah. That was 2009. Things were. Were different.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, we didn't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we didn't know any better. And so what happened was my grandma said she was going to some kind of practice or something and she left my mom behind. And the neighbor lady was supposed to watch. Was watching. It was like babysitting. So it'd be like if we. If you lived in the apartment above me. And I said, well, I'm gonna go do this. Can you watch my. My two year old? And he said, yeah, I'll watch your two year old. And then when I got back, I was like, where's my 2 year old? You're like, gave him to child protective services. And he go, what happened? And they go, well, because you abandoned him. And then I go, what the fuck did you do that for? You said you were gonna watch him. And I said that to my grandma. And she said, well, she had the hots for my husband. And I said, well, how does this get her any closer to your husband? And then she said, get that two.

[Allison Rosen]

Year old out of the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we were getting ready to leave. We were gonna move out. And I was like, well, how does that slow down the process of you moving out? Doesn't that make you want to move out faster? And then how about the part where you just go to child protective services and you go, hey, there's this nutty broad who brought you. But she was babysitting my kid, so can I have my kid back? That part all kind of goes away.

[Allison Rosen]

How long did it take till she got your mom back?

[Adam Carolla]

She had to wait until her. Her parents died. Her grandparents, I mean, her parents, which. With my mom's grandparents, who now then grew up believing that that was her parents. So she never knew who her parents were? Those were her parents. Like, why are you guys so old, right? Why are you going to bed at 7:30 in the evening?

[Allison Rosen]

And who'd she think her mom was? Or did she not know her?

[Adam Carolla]

Why you keep talking about Matlock, huh? She didn't know. She thought, I think she thought her grandma was her mom.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, but who did she think her actual mom was? Or did she not know her?

[Adam Carolla]

She thought her grandma was her mom.

[Allison Rosen]

No, this lady, the one who had actually given birth to her, did that. Did she ever meet her and think, well, who's this lady?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, who did she think her mom was?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, this is like a bad. Who's on first?

[Steve Guttenberg]

I know, I'm completely lost at the.

[Adam Carolla]

Point when her biological mother would come to visit. How did they explain it?

[Allison Rosen]

How did she understand who that person was?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I got you now. She didn't come around too often because she hated her parents. And she was one of those things where she said there were horrible people, but yet they were good enough to raise her daughter. And she was, I guess, described as aunt so and so. You know, look, when you're four, like, yeah, you don't ask, you don't check an id. Let's get a little DNA. Who is this? Like, you know, you just go, aunt so and so's here to hang out. And then she hung out until like, her, her dad died, then her brother killed himself, then her mom died, and then my mom, then my grandma collected mom, but she was ruined from that Point on.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Bad times, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. What a happy story.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I was gonna say to bring it all full circle. If Justin Bieber's mom's book is not that it should be that tantalizing, then why relax?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. It's a good point. You got a top Macarolas or whatever the maiden name is. I don't even know what it is. We don't sweat the details.

[Allison Rosen]

Why would you?

[Adam Carolla]

Basically, my Grandma was like 19 and want to have fun. Do you want to hang around? All right.

[Steve Guttenberg]

They're playing my song.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

See, I suspect the neighbor had good reason. Well, actually, I don't know. I don't mean to judge. I have no idea.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think you.

[Giovanni]

I think the soundtrack of your youth.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think you could take your kid away and you can't go get your kid. If that really just went down that way.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because then anyone who ever hired a babysitter could just go. The babysitter could just walk him in somewhere and go, huh? I found him alone, eating his own boogers and paste.

[Allison Rosen]

Philadelphia cream cheese. Philadelphia Cream Cheese.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Is pulling its ads from ABC's mid season show giant GCB, which is based on the book series Good Christian Bitches.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Steve Guttenberg]

We were just talking about this in the car and it changed. A good day. They say now it's Good Christian Bells to be political.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't know. I thought it was still bitches, said a company spokesperson. Philadelphia has decided to pull its advertising from GCB because we have received a few complaints from consumers and their opinions about our advertising are important to us. We have recently decided to redirect our advertising to other programs. And this show is somewhat controversial. New York City Councilman Peter Vallone called for a boycott of the show because, quote, the title of the show alone is yet another outrageous attack on the Christian faith. Charlie Sheen will be back on Two and a Half Men before we see a similar title targeting another religion.

[Steve Guttenberg]

People are just too precious and politically correct. Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we're out. We need a war. I mean, like a real war. Because we're all up each other's asses.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, we are.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Don't be a hero.

[Adam Carolla]

No, what happens is, like, we're sort of like. We're sort of like a bunch of, you know, like. And it's why in high school, lunch is only like 35 or 40 minutes. Because if you gave them two hours, people fighting each other. Yeah. Like, there's too much. We're all milling about, Right. Everyone's sort of fat. We have kind of too many TV sets and too many TV shows. And even poor.

[Allison Rosen]

Too much cream cheese.

[Adam Carolla]

Even poor people are like, I gotta drive a Mini Cooper that's like three years old. So I'm really feeling it right now. And the air conditioning, designer toast, but it's not frosty. You know, like, even poor people aren't really poor. Everyone's got a flat panel TV and we're all a little bit fat and we're all kind of soft and we're all just up each other's asses and everyone's just busy, busy twittering away, saying snarky things about everybody. And we don't really. We're not united behind anything and there's nothing going on. Remember, God bless her, Whitney Houston, they're singing at the super bowl and the jets flying over and the, you know, American flag, the size of the football field being spread out and everyone had a tear in their eye and it was like no one was thinking about riding.

[Allison Rosen]

I remember when you performed with Debbie Gibson.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

I had tears in my eyes.

[Adam Carolla]

We need, every once in a while, we need. You need. You need a terrorist attack, you need a war, you need an earthquake, you need something. A tsunami. Like, you need something that gets everyone sort of off their shit. Because otherwise you're just like. You're like siblings that are sitting in a car too long. Like it's a van ride and there ain't no flat panel and headrest in front of you and you're just. One of them's got a pee and the other one's.

[Allison Rosen]

And you call shotgun.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but I got screwed. And I'm now in the back and I'm irritable and it's like the Grand Canyon's another four hours and everyone's just fucking snarking on each other. And it's like, daddy. And as you're flicking someone in the ear, he's smashing. That's where all.

[Steve Guttenberg]

So yes, people are bored and distracted and paying attention all the way wrong things.

[Adam Carolla]

And yeah, and everyone's like, everyone's just kind of looking around looking to send someone a shitty Twitter. Looking to get up someone's ass.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Can you find, by the way, with the Twitter thing? Because I know with Apprentice this was like all new to me because it's the first time I'm involved in something so pop culture. It's like you take on, when you sign on to something like that, you sign on to a whole new full time job of tweeting for the show and in real time. And if you don't, people get pissed off. And it's kind of my. Very odd.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you enjoying it or are you getting shitty tweets or what's going on?

[Steve Guttenberg]

No, I'm actually getting a lot of support, and so that's really cool. I'm just. I don't. I don't know how I or anybody keeps up with all of that. It's just.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think we're geared to.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's odd.

[Steve Guttenberg]

And you can't, like, you just can't sit and take things in. You can't sit and just watch the show and take it in. You have to be instantly commenting on it in real time. And it's.

[Allison Rosen]

Adam always talks about that. That all the tweeting and updating and stuff makes it so you're not really experiencing things.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I mean, we. We talked about.

[Giovanni]

Wasn't it.

[Adam Carolla]

That was you, too. That was you. You talking about your wife at the concert. Just talking away.

[Giovanni]

Twittering at concerts.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And we saw in the Academy Awards or either Grammys or the Academy Awards. I can't remember, like, you know. Yeah, Grammys where someone's getting a standing ovation. It's just two chicks sitting behind just going at it. Twittering away while everyone else is standing.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Experiences in it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they lost the experience. All right, let's bring it home.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Tippet C. That was the news with Allison Rosen. Oh. But I'll tell you, the technology that's going to save us all. Go to meeting. That's right. You don't have to get on the plane. I mean, you could. Could go wait in line and say hi to Debbie's dad.

[Steve Guttenberg]

He's actually not there anymore, huh? Yeah. He's pushing 70. He's retired.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, that. One more reason not to travel.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

No, Debbie's dad and his name is.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Joe Gibson, and everyone, he's just. He's jolly Joe Gibson. So many people are like, I met Joe Gibson.

[Allison Rosen]

He needs to write his book.

[Steve Guttenberg]

TWA is not there. It doesn't exist anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

It stamped a lot of people's hearts. Go to meeting. One more reason again, not to get on an airplane. No Joe Gibson and go to meeting. Brought to you by Citrix. You can now. You can now be face to face. They got the HD faces. You pop up the computer and you can have these meetings now and you get all this stuff done, and you can look your compadre in the eye.

[Steve Guttenberg]

You just don't have to have any human contact anymore if you don't want any.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, all the germs and stuff and dander coming off of people for the dander alone.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't know what dander is. I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't want to. Oh, be thankful.

[Adam Carolla]

Sebum and dander. Worst morning duo ever. Sebum and dander in the morning.

[Allison Rosen]

They're so sebacious.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to try it out for 30 days? How about you try gotomeeting? They got an app. You can put it on your iPad. You can download it, try it out for free. 30 days free. Only if you use the promo code Adam. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the try it free button and use the promo code Adam and Debbie, what do we got for you? Let's see.

[Steve Guttenberg]

You know what? When you were talking about just that great morning show duo, it also took me back to another thing. You know, to promote a record back in the day, you had to physically go to every morning show in the country.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Steve Guttenberg]

And there was still no guarantee they were gonna play the record, but it was a given that they wouldn't if you didn't. So you had to. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So you had to.

[Steve Guttenberg]

And I do remember being, like, 16 and being like, why are people so cynical? Because I just did. I didn't get the morning show humor. Now I love it. But, you know, now I do like the radio tour for NBC, and afterwards, they go, oh, we apologize that that station was so edgy. I'm like, you know, I'm 41, and I'm fine with it. And that was fun. But at 16, it's very jarring.

[Adam Carolla]

But there's also a lot of morning show guys that aren't that funny. They're not that fast on their feet.

[Steve Guttenberg]

No. And they're trying to be.

[Adam Carolla]

They only have one angle and, like, one guy because they. They just do this. Like someone. You see him.

[Ben Schwartz]

No, no.

[Steve Guttenberg]

You just.

[Adam Carolla]

You just bring up an event. Like, awesome. You bring up the Oscars.

[Giovanni]

I see the Oscars last night.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, man. It's lame. Lame, dude.

[Giovanni]

Yeah. How about that Natalie Portman, though, huh? Pizza ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Pizza ass. She's on my list. But it was lame, man. I mean, like Billy Crystal, man. That's lame. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

I didn't laugh one time. Damn.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, man, it's like, it's lame because, you know, you have all these big stars, and, you know, it's totally lame. And they're all together, and then, like, There's Billy Crystal. Like, you know, he's. You know, he's like, he's so lame. And it's just lame, man. I don't know, man. I don't know.

[Giovanni]

Stop. All those tuxedos.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like, all pair of jeans. Totally. The tuxedo. They're on these lame tuck lamos, I call them.

[Steve Guttenberg]

And it just.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, man. I don't know, man. I don't know, man. I just thought it was lame, you know, man? Lame. Lame. Yeah, so. Because if you don't have anything funny.

[Steve Guttenberg]

To say, that really does sound like.

[Adam Carolla]

And you want to be cool and you don't have anything to say and you can't think of anything funny, you just go, that. That's lame. Like, that show's lame. That thing's lame. That thing's lame.

[Steve Guttenberg]

But they also. The go to thing for those guys too would be the five question game that are all sexual question questions designed to embarrass you.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you. Hey, Debbie Gibson, what's a lamer sexual position, reverse cowgirl or doggy style on the lame o meter. One being least lamest, 10 being lame o matic lame. Malicious.

[Steve Guttenberg]

When I was 16, I was like, do I have to endure this to get my record played? Yes, you do. Yes, you do.

[Giovanni]

You want to spin the wheel? Lame.

[Adam Carolla]

We got. Oh, my God.

[Steve Guttenberg]

We're playing lame, lamer and lamest.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we got some traffic coming in with Lame Copter 5.

[Giovanni]

Hold on. Lame boy is over at Shaky's Pizza right now giving out Snickers.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right.

[Giovanni]

This is Adam Kroll Show 774. Coming up next, we have Adam Carollo Show 789. Coming up next, we have Adam Kroll Show 789, featuring Ben Schwartz, Al Spot from Rosen, and Brian Bishop. This one's also from 2012.

[Adam Carolla]

Pluto TV is the place for movie.

[Allison Rosen]

Fans like me and TV fans like me.

[Adam Carolla]

They've got something for everyone, and it's totally free. You can binge laugh out loud sitcoms like Frasier and rewatch cult classics like Higher Learning.

[Allison Rosen]

Whether you're in the mood to solve.

[Brian Bishop]

A little crime before bedtime with NCIS.

[Allison Rosen]

Or Tracker, or curl up with a.

[Adam Carolla]

Surefire hit like Forrest Gump Run Forest.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Pluto TV has thousands of movies and.

[Adam Carolla]

Shows, all for free. Pluto TV Stream now pay Never. So first, a little life lesson. Well, of course. All right. It's gonna take a while. But you know how whenever I announce I'm on a diet, the shit just starts pouring in.

[Giovanni]

Some director's Wife brings pies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I announced I was on a diet yesterday, and. And my wife brought home Taco Bell for lunch and In N Out burger for dinner, which is like, call me. I know there's something wrong with me, but I've had this with her before. I go, I've said it's painful to see this big cardboard box of cheeseburgers come in here. And she's like, it's for the kids. And I'm like, I know. But it's hard for me to smell them as they come into the house.

[Allison Rosen]

Plus, I feel like Sonny would rather eat raisins or something. I don't know his eating habits, but he seems like he'd be eating healthy.

[Adam Carolla]

He probably would. So I announced I was on a diet. And yesterday was the Taco Bell, followed by the In N Out burger, followed by showing up here with a pumpkin pie and a pecan pie and two quarts of ice cream and lasagna and frozen Stouffer's lasagna and a couple bottles of. I did drink the red wine, but I ate. Jesus Christ. Oh, God damn. God damn. Speaking of Taco Bell. Not Taco Bell material, new book. The link is on our website. If you'd like to be kind enough and pre order that bad boy.

[Giovanni]

What do you want to tie it for, buddy? You look skinny.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. You know, I have some TV stuff coming up, and whenever I have TV stuff coming up, I just kind of take it easy. And also, I'm also one of these guys who just sort of 200 pounds is kind of my mark, where I'll just around get up to 200 pounds. When I get to about 200, 201, I go, it's time to get down to 193 again. So I'm in that mode, but thank you anyway. And yeah, Taco Bell, everybody. I was wildly. You know, the book is just a bunch of stories, essentially. And Ken Crosby, who's the. Who's one of the segment producers and the guy I work with whenever I do Kimmel was. I talked to him earlier today and he said, oh, man, I was reading a book in bed last night. I was laughing hysterically, except for my wife was asleep, so I had to sort of stifle myself. So I was convulsing and I thought he was talking about my last book. And I thought, like, part of me was thinking, that's flattering. But on the other hand, hey, Ken, it took you a year and a half to read the fucking book. And we worked together a lot. I'm surprised he didn't claim to be a fan and finished by saying it.

[Giovanni]

Inspired me to conquer my illiteracy.

[Adam Carolla]

He was reading the new book, and I said, well, how the fuck did you get the new book? And he said, it just literally came over in a file and it was just a pile of papers. He was just thumbing through them, but never had more praise heaped on me for really anything ever. And this guy's sharp. And I was like, I didn't think it was that funny. But because just a bunch of stories. It's all the stories. It's all the old stories in one hardbound cover with a little bit of life lesson stuff worked in along the way. So it's the collection of the ones you have heard, some you haven't heard, but it's all in between two hard pieces of cardboard. And I was very flattered that he was convulsing. One of the lessons I actually stumbled across, not in the book, but I said to Matt Fondelier, the Force on Punishment. I called him up today and I said, hey, I was watching 2020 on Friday night, and they had this whole story about the kid who jumped off the George Washington Bridge and blah, blah, blah. And I need that. I need you to find that and look it up and this, that and the other. And then I paused. Thanks. Mike handed me the paper with all the beat sheets on it. And I said, by the way, I come in here and I go, hey, I was watching TMZ and they had this guy, and I saw this on the news, and I saw the stupid tampon commercial. And I've done the thing where I've said to everyone I've worked with on terrestrial radio, and I don't want to sound judgmental or dicky here, I understand how people are wired. I've said to everyone, you're all deputized. If you see something funny on tv, if you see a commercial, if you see something that seems good, a peanut allergy or lotto story or something like that, or you're just watching your show and there's something in it, bring it in or tell somebody. Find it, we'll run it, we'll talk about it, we'll do it. And in the 10 years I've been doing that, it's been pretty much 0 of people bringing in shit like, hey, boss, I was watching 60 Minutes last week. I don't know if you saw this story. It just doesn't happen. And I said to Matt, the Porcelain Punisher Fondelier, I Said, matt, I'm not blaming anyone. It's human nature. I'm over 10 years on this. But if in I said, it's 250 bucks every time we use one of your stories on, on the show, I gotta believe there'd be a few of them coming in. And he said, oh, for sure. And I said, yeah, that's how we're wired. And then I said, let me tell you a story about a fella who did nothing but donate his time and never really got paid for it. He was producing bands, he was writing parody songs. He was producing the Kevin and Bean Christmas album every single year. He was showing up at 3:30 in the morning and editing stuff, cutting tape, literal audio tape on his thigh and then sticking it back together with Scotch tape and essentially doing all the producing, all the writing and all the heavy lifting for the Kevin Bean Christmas album. Never got paid, Never fucking got an extra nickel for it. Really didn't get much praise for it. A couple of that of boys barely a beer.

[Allison Rosen]

I said, did he jump off the bridge?

[Adam Carolla]

He is hosting a little something called the Emmys. Jon Stewart, Love that guy. He will be hosting the Emmys in a few months and he worked for free and all he did was work. All he did was shut up and work. And he's hosting the Emmys. How does that work? That is the message I want to send to your kids. Because everybody does that. Hey man, and hey man. And what about a little love? I mean, honestly, I'm not any better than any of us. How you know, I wouldn't have worked on those albums. Getting there at 4 in the morning, editing, staying late, going and wrangling these bands in and writing songs. No bumps, no pay, no praise. And that times everything, Mr. Burcham, editing, doing all this stuff, all the bits we did, that was all Kimmel. But guess who's hosting the Emmys?

[Allison Rosen]

Kimmel.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right there. So. So you can go into sort of kind of cruise control of I'll bring shit in when you pay me to bring shit in or I'll volunteer my time when you pay me to volunteer my time. It sounds a little counterintuitive. I'll work on this when I get a nickel from that or when I can directly associate me working on this with, then it'll get sold and I'll get a nickel from everyone that's sold in three weeks. But Kimmel always did all this stuff on a flyer and that's how he always approached everything. And now he's hosting Emmys for free, by the way. So he's still stupid. Yeah. Oh, no, I'm not saying he's smart. I'm saying he's fucking getting rooked. He's getting fucked.

[Allison Rosen]

You said it's good to have someone like that around because they'll help you out and they don't want money.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I'm just saying the dude who gave it all away, the dude who never asked for a penny and the dude who did nothing but volunteer their time and bring in shit and do all that shit, is the dude who's hosting the Emmys. And it's not a coincidence. That's how the dude dude was wired and is wired. And I don't know how you give that to your kids because we're all so, yeah, I'll come in on a Saturday, but I get golden time. Right? Like that's where we're all sort of wired for.

[Allison Rosen]

And I think people feel like they want to impart the don't let yourself be exploited, don't let yourself be taken advantage of lesson as well, which in certain circumstances is important too.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Allison Rosen]

Have to figure out, well, we're.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I agree, but. But you're never really exploited. Because all of the skills that Jimmy had to learn in order to produce a comedy album, he now takes with him in a successful late night show. And ironically, when he's working on doing bits for the Emmys, he will have. He will be using a lot of those same muscles that he used so many years ago producing that Kevin and Bean Christmas album. He'll be doing bands, he'll be doing parody songs. He'll be, you know, whatever it is, it's not one for one. It's like a push up makes you a little better at football. It's not always practicing football that makes you better at football.

[Allison Rosen]

When I started writing, I wrote for free for national magazines and I did cover stories for them and I built up all my clips and I was able to then take those and send them out. And that's how I started writing for People in Rolling Stone very young. And if I hadn't, if I demanded that I were paid, I wouldn't have been able to get all those classes.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's. And people sort of understand that a little bit as it pertains to college. College, you're not going to get paid to go to college internships and that kind of stuff. But they don't realize that that extends into your professional life. I mean, when Jimmy was doing this stuff, he had been at his fifth radio Station, had a couple of kids, was married, was working, gainfully employed and full time and all that stuff, and still was doing all the free shit on the side because he knew he didn't want to be the sports guy at KROC for the rest of his life. Anyway, question.

[Giovanni]

What percentage of his success or anyone who's successful's success do you attribute to the hard work versus Obviously, hard work is important, like you're saying, but at the end of the day, you have to produce. You know what I mean? He's talented and his stuff. He worked hard to produce great stuff. I mean, people can work hard and spin their wheels. You have to be talented, right? You have to be the proofs in the pudding or whatever idiom you want to use.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, the thing that's funny about Jimmy is his talent, is his ethic and his producing. And while he's funny and while he's talented, his probably greatest talent is putting people together, assembling teams, the engine behind the ideas. I mean, when you really just want to cut them open and see who's funnier, like, who bleeds. Like if you cut open Jimmy's vein and we just drained it into a giant beaker to see how much funny would come out of it and what's it measured in?

[Allison Rosen]

Chuckles.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll bet you Leaders. Millet. Chuckles.

[Giovanni]

Yes, Chuckle cylinder.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, honestly, Josh Gardner, DFG and writing all the parody songs, he might come. He might come up a little higher on the beaker. And honestly, he might. I mean, he's a super, super funny guy who will never get an ounce of that to the rear wheels. He has no way of putting people together. He has no way of facilitating it. He has no structure. He has no. I mean, and it's a weird thing because we do that, by the way, Winter Bush, his next album, is available on itunes as we speak. No, I don't. And it's not to say Jimmy's not funny. Jimmy's plenty funny. But it's not who's the funniest. It's who is funny enough to do this and then who works it and who can assemble the people and who has the structure and the ideas.

[Giovanni]

It's like the NFL combine. It's like that guy has a faster 40 time in a higher vertical leap and all that stuff. And why is the other guy, you know, starting and making $10 million? Well, he's got it. He's got the internal drive, whatever it is.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a combination of football speed, but it's also a Combination of not staying up and partying and doing rails with hookers.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

Yes, Jimmy does.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's what I'm saying.

[Giovanni]

That's right. Oh, okay. We're on the same page.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I don't know. Again, he's working for free. Like an idiot. He's doing a lot of rails with hookers. So all I'm saying is the guy who all those years ago was working for free is now hosting the Emmys. Tangent. Thank you. All right, let's see. You got some news.

[Giovanni]

Taco Bell, box of tacos, rich man, poor man. That's either like, this better be lunch and dinner, or it's, you know what? They're $1.29. Let's just buy a whole box. If there's extra, there's extra. We'll throw them away.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, rich man, poor man. I don't know, but I love me some Taco Bell. And I don't know if they're going to do anything with my book or.

[Allison Rosen]

Not, like, distance themselves from it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, let's talk about this whole thing with the Rutgers webcam thing and this Darun Ravi guy and the Tyler Clemente, the guy jumped off the bridge. Remember this whole thing about a year ago or so. It was just in the news.

[Steve Guttenberg]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

Sentenced, or they're trying to bring him up on manslaughter charges or something. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

He filmed his gay roommate having sex and then put it on the Internet. And did he out him? Yeah, but then he. So. So then the gay roommate was so upset that he killed himself. And then Clementi, the guy who did it, was sentenced. I don't know if you have it there. How many years.

[Adam Carolla]

Clemente is the victim.

[Ben Schwartz]

He's.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy jumped.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, sorry, Ravi. Yes, Ravi. But he came out and he said that he had texted the victim and apologized and that he didn't have a problem with him being gay and it was just a prank.

[Adam Carolla]

It was all which say is all correct, except for almost everything, which is he was not outed by this guy. He was out already. And he did not film him having sex. But the media reported that they filmed him having sex. And the media. Media reported that he outed him. And the media reported that he also would have, like, these viewing parties and put it up on the Internet. He didn't do any of that. We're insane now. We're officially insane. We're so hungry for a story. This guy Clemente, he was depressed. He was clinically depressed. And he killed himself because he was clinically depressed. This guy Ravi really did almost next to nothing. And we need a scapegoat and we cannot stop, stop beating the shit out of ourselves as a society. We never stop with how racist we are. We never, we never give ourself even breath. We never stop with how racist we are and we never stop with how homophobic we are. This guy Ravi is as big a victim as anybody in this case because he's being fucking lynched for almost nothing. First off, he's an 18 year old kid. You have to factor that in. And people go, oh, he's an adult, you know, but you happened.

[Giovanni]

What actually happened.

[Adam Carolla]

What actually happened is he got a weird, introverted gay roommate who was a weird dude and depressed. So he got, first thing he got was, oh great. I mean, I was talking about that, I mean, with Kevin Hench earlier today. And it's like, first off, your roommate is a cellmate in college. It's that close. And about the only upside is if you get to hear him bang their girlfriend twice a week or something like that if you're gonna be living on top of each other. But when the guy's gay, let's face it, not as much fun putting the glass to the, to the door or to the wall and hearing him make out with the dude. That's not homophobic. That's just the truth. When it comes to 18 year old dudes with a libido. If you had a. There's not a homophobic bone in your.

[Giovanni]

Body the first day of college. That's your entire, that's your social circle, your roommate. So here's your key to making friends, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And there's an element of, I hope this guy's got a hot girlfriend, I hope she's got some hot friends, I hope she can bring, I hope we can go out and pick up some chicks. I hope, hope when I'm in the room banging my chick, he can be in the kitchen, bang. And when you find out your roommate's gay and he's super introverted and super weird and depressed, that's a bummer. That's when you tell your friends, great news, guess who I got stuck with. So that was, that was part of it. Secondly, the guy was bringing over, the dude he was bringing over wasn't his boyfriend. It was like older creepy dude who he like met on the Internet. So you're living in, you know, 400 square feet and when you're 18 and the 26 year old dude comes by and the dude Is got that look like, remember in Boogie Nights, remember the guy Thomas Jane? You don't want Thomas Jane from Boogie nights when you're 18, like coming into your apartment and just sort of hanging out and your part, your partner going, you know, your roommate going, could you split for a while? You're like, shit, man, I got all my stuff in there. Like just weird Internet cruising on the Internet meant a dude to have sex with dude. It wasn't, oh, this guy's over Thomas Jawson. This guy's. It wasn't like, oh, I met this dude at a. In a mixer. Yeah, at the Delta house.

[Allison Rosen]

Wasn't the guy from the other dorm over?

[Adam Carolla]

This is townie dude coming over who's hanging out in your room.

[Allison Rosen]

Fucking supposed to call Camp Sequoia when.

[Adam Carolla]

You see them, right? So that was number one. Number two, he just turned on his computer to show the chick. He got exiled to a chicks. He had to go wait in a chick's dorm while they're doing it. He got sexile. He basically turned the computer on because he thought this guy may be a criminal. And he could turn his computer on mathematic remotely. And he turned it on and he wanted to see the dudes. He wanted to show the dude to the chick he was staying with, like in case there was trouble. And he turned it on and they were making out and he immediately turned it on off. So there's no. There was no filming of it. It's off. There's no filming of any sex act. And there's no like parties or anything like that. We completely fucking strung this guy up. And as a society, and here's all I'm saying, don't tell me our media isn't leaning that way. Because how do you get people that far away from the truth if they don't want any part of the truth? You have to have them leaning that way in the first place. Place you're cooking up stuff and stuff that's become truth to us. Well, what happened? Well, this guy filmed his roommate having sex. Then he had viewing parties. He spread it all over the Internet. He outed the guy and then the guy killed himself. Well, he never outed the guy. The guy was out to his parents. He was out to him. He told him I'm gay and he told his parents he was gay. None of the part about him being severely depressed, by the way, you can't get someone to kill themselves. They kill themselves because they're severely depressed. You're missing a fucking message here, which is, why did this Guy kill himself. Well, if the reason the guy killed himself is because he has a homophobic roommate, then there's no message sent to any other 18 year olds who are thinking about killing themselves. This is why we're so fucking stupid as a society and why the media does a horrible disservice to our side. Because we're so fucking hell bent on creating victims. And we're so hell bent on creating an environment that's homophobic and racist, racist and sexist. And has this crazy agenda. This guy. This guy Darun. Ravi, let's see this guy. This guy's the nicest place on the ultimate Frisbee team. Like the Spindle East Middle. Yeah. He just show the first clip. This guy.

[Giovanni]

And what follows is a string of allegations, one worse than the next.

[Adam Carolla]

The public is led to believe that Ravi not only watched Tyler having sex.

[Giovanni]

With his male lover, but that he.

[Adam Carolla]

Secretly recorded the act, posted the video.

[Giovanni]

Online, and outed his roommate out of spite. How is that hitting you? I was angry that people would make these statements without knowing what the details were. I felt like I was being used by every. Everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

And sure enough, much of what was.

[Giovanni]

Reported turned out to be wrong. Did you out Tyler Clementi? No. But then when he brought a guy over and he walked him in and he does this in front of everyone, he doesn't care.

[Adam Carolla]

He's.

[Giovanni]

He's okay with it. Did you record him having sex?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Giovanni]

Did you put anything online of him having sex?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Giovanni]

Did you put people together and broadcast him having sex? None of that happened. But it was all said and people believed it?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Giovanni]

And what did that make you? Made me the worst possible person. You are the face of the bully.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, now, is our society stupid or do they have an agenda? Are the news organizations that bad? I mean, when they want to report some atrocity out of Iraq, do they fuck it all up? No.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm curious how this all got so far away from the truth.

[Adam Carolla]

They have an agenda. The news has an agenda. Their agenda is we're homophobic society. That's the story. There's no story here. Other than that you have a freshman who killed himself and freshmen are jumping off bell towers as we speak.

[Allison Rosen]

But do you think that someone sat there and was like, this is what the truth is. I'm going to spin it a different way. Or do you think there was some ambiguity in what. I think is. There probably was some ambiguity in the facts. And so then they spun.

[Adam Carolla]

No. You have to want something. You have to want. Want the Duke Lacrosse Team to be rapists. In order to create this case, you have to want that. If you go in with a Woodward, Bernstein, I don't know, let's find out what happened here, then you'll find out what happened. If you just want to uncover details, you'll uncover details. You have to want this to be. And then you start pushing it that direction and then it becomes a snowball and then everyone gets behind it. And here's why. We're fucking idiots. We're idiots because a people start tuning out, oh, it's a homophobic whatever. Now the next one that comes across, are you gonna believe it? Are you gonna have to think about it next time some real atrocity happens that really is homophobia because we're cooking everything. You see this guy's an 18 year old fucking spindly guy, doesn't give a shit about anything, number one. Number two, you could use it as a teachable experience about suicide and suicide prevention. But if it's just a homophobe's fault, well then what is there to learn? We're a horrible society, we're homophobic and that's what gets people to kill themselves. Not this guy was clinically depressed and wore their signs. And were their signs. Fuck all that. Forget that news, people. Let's focus on the monster that's homophobic who's all of 128 pounds and an A student.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, No, I think you're exactly right. You can't. There's no one thing that precipitates suicide or else all of us would do it.

[Adam Carolla]

On bad days, it's an overall depression that goes untreated and basically unseen. And it turns out his parents weren't excited. Now I know his parents are gonna have to blame the roommate for suicide because they don't have a mirror at their house. But the bottom line is his parents did not accept this very well and they were probably a part of it. Part of it's chemical, part of it's societal. There's a whole bunch of reasons and they are reasons that could have and would have been discussed except for it could not be discussed. We only had to discuss homophobia that's running rampant in this society.

[Giovanni]

You're right about the media having an agenda, but you need to also recognize, I think, that this trend of especially online media pushing the whole thing towards. We have to report this as fast as possible. Damn this. Damn the facts. We're going to get this story out. Well, you see it a lot more with life.

[Adam Carolla]

You shouldn't be in the Media, if you're damn the fact.

[Giovanni]

I remember when they, they tweeted about Stephen Jobs death before it happened. And there was a. There's a Yahoo news gathering show.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a difference.

[Giovanni]

But they were, they.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a difference of jumping the gun factor. There's jumping the gun and there's erroneous information. You know, there's the 13 school kids were killed. It turns out there was only nine. You know, for went to the hospitality.

[Giovanni]

Things that aren't true.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm talking about this. You have to have an agenda. This is that plus an agenda. Cause it's all steers one direction. It never steers the other direction. It all steers toward the homophobic direction. So it is jumping the gun. It is misinformation. But it's that thing where you're at the liquor store and every time you go in they shortchange you and you go, I gave you a 20. And the guy goes, oh, I thought you only gave me a 10. And you go, no, I gave you a 20. He goes, oh, right. Somewhere around the fifth time, it's always on their side. You start to think, well, there seems to be a theme here. It's not never giving you more change than you deserve. Always kind of on their side. Everyone grabbed it, everyone hopped on it, even months after it, and they just kept riding that. Nobody wanted to know the truth, but.

[Giovanni]

No one bothered to know the truth.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, I agree with people.

[Giovanni]

That's the horrible thing, is that they're news people that should take the time to research.

[Adam Carolla]

They're not interested in it. They're interested in the titillating story of homophobia and how homophobic we are as a society and why it caused this young man to kill himself. That's the only.

[Allison Rosen]

And the web, I feel like that's part of it. There's so many facets of it that make it a TV movie.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what's the next one?

[Giovanni]

Oh, we're going to start the news.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, we have a few more clips. Bully Tyler Clemente.

[Giovanni]

No, I didn't. Bully Tyler Clementi.

[Ben Schwartz]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

You bully.

[Giovanni]

You think you misunderstood how fragile he was? I really don't think he was very fragile.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he just didn't like that. Stop it there for a second. This part drove me nuts. Do you think you misunderstood how fragile he was? It's not your job as an 18 year old doormate to gauge someone else's fragility. That's their business. They're fragile. Look, if you're fucking fragile, And I come up and slap me on the back and go, how you doing, bro? Ho. And you dislocate your shoulder. That's your problem. That's not me being rough with you. That's you having a spinal problem. Do you understand? Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

If I tap your car at a parking mar. A parking lot and I just tap it going less than one miles an hour and you. You're paralyzed. That's not my fault. That's you. You have a congenital problem with your neck or whatever it is.

[Giovanni]

Your vertebra is your problem, bro.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. 18 year old roommates aren't supposed to know how fragile people are, right? That's up to them. All he knew is he had a weird guy who was bringing a weird dude over. All right. Sorry.

[Giovanni]

I think he just didn't like talking to people.

[Adam Carolla]

That's.

[Giovanni]

That's the only thing I got from him, I don't think. You know, just because he's gay doesn't mean he's automatically fragile and can't deal with anything. How could he not be fragile and have jumped off the George Washington Bridge?

[Adam Carolla]

That's good journalism, right?

[Giovanni]

Something had to be very wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

And something was wrong.

[Giovanni]

Robbie learned.

[Adam Carolla]

Tyler complained about him, so he sent.

[Giovanni]

His roommate a poignant and revealing text message. You told him that you knew he.

[Adam Carolla]

Was gay from the beginning.

[Giovanni]

You told him that it wasn't a problem for you and that this was a misunderstanding and that you had guilt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Giovanni]

Why did you want him to know these things? When I sent that, all I knew was that he wanted a room change. So I figured I need to tell him that he shouldn't feel pressured to do this is only true. But I want him to understand that I'm not there to make him feel intimidated or anything. However, that text doesn't stop authorities from bringing a case.

[Adam Carolla]

All right? Now we're wasting fucking taxpayers money. We're putting this guy behind bars. You know how much it costs to put on one of these fucking circuses? And look, it's not his fault that the media picked this up and ran with it and went the wrong fucking direction or that we're all such colossal pussies that we have to attribute everything to everything. Oh, we bullying? You don't get someone to kill themselves. And bullying. That's why. This guy look anything like a bully?

[Allison Rosen]

No. He's wearing a purple plaid shirt.

[Giovanni]

Log cabin.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes. There's nothing. And to the guy's credit, to Ravi's credit, they gave him a plea bargain. Like, well, just admit you hate gays. And that's why you did this. And then we'll get to move on. We're so fucked up as a society, we take the 18 year old who really didn't do anything and we accused you of doing something and go, okay, I'll tell you what, I'm in a good mood. We won't lock. You should be working on your fucking engineering degree, by the way. But I'll tell you what, we won't lock you up for nine years with hardcore fucking felons if you just admit you hate gay people and that's why you did it. It's like you cooked this story up, not him. Why should he have to fucking admit to something that they threw on his lap? So, all right, now he won't admit it because he has a little something called fucking dignity. And he could be locked up or deported or both. When they actually put him in the prison, then they pick the prison up and throw it back off.

[Allison Rosen]

That's Kuala Lumpur throwing out the felon with the prison.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is this guy's got a little fucking dignity. And he's saying, I'm not taking the plea deal because I didn't hate him and I don't hate gay people. I'm not gonna fucking have this be on my record. And I'm not gonna admit to it because it doesn't exist. It drives me fucking nuts. And the idea that we have a million news outlets and we could easily get to the bottom of all this stuff and he could easily find out the truth, quite easily. Most of the stuff just electronic these days. Not interested. Well, we're homophobic. It fits the agenda. And we got this perfectly healthy kid who psychologically very, very even keeled to jump off a bridge because he was gay. Couldn't be further from the truth. But again, any interest in the truth news people? Do we have any interest? Do you all fucking owe this guy an apology? This guy should have a fucking class action lawsuit against all you assholes. And so should all the guys from Duke Lacrosse. I mean, everyone's been accused of being fucking racist and being rapist and being homophobic. They got to walk around their whole life that way. I mean, you're as smart and as red and as caught up as anything.

[Allison Rosen]

I had that. That's what I thought.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's the guy filmed the Sting thing and outed him on the YouTube. None of that happened, but that's what was told us. What else are we supposed to believe?

[Giovanni]

I'm pretty sure the Duke players did sue the DA's office.

[Adam Carolla]

Good.

[Giovanni]

Because it was Naifong who brought Trump the whole thing up, basically.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. And that asshole should be fucking run out of town on a donkey. Good. And so should this DA too. I think we have the last clip. Clip 5 Talking to jurors about it.

[Giovanni]

Tyler's suicide the elephant in the courtroom.

[Adam Carolla]

You weren't supposed to consider the fact that Tyler Clemente's dead. Right.

[Giovanni]

Or that he took his own life. Is that possible? It did not factor in our decision at all.

[Adam Carolla]

In what they call a very close.

[Giovanni]

Case, the decision the jury reached made.

[Adam Carolla]

Have had as much to do with.

[Giovanni]

What they did not see and hear first.

[Adam Carolla]

So if Darun Rambi had a gay.

[Giovanni]

Friend that he had an open relationship with, you would have seen all of these other things that happened as not being bullying.

[Ben Schwartz]

I would have felt that Tyler would.

[Adam Carolla]

Never have the thoughts of being intimidated at all. All right, so they convicted him of, like, manslaughter or something. And they said, well, the fact that the guy killed himself didn't factor in bull fucking shit. I don't know if it probably wasn't manslaughter, because you'd have to factor in the corpse at that point. But the point is, the Guy's looking at 10 years and his roommates, what, ripping a bong load and balls deep and his buddy right now at some dorm room. You're not. You wouldn't. That wouldn't be a different factor, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. You can't unknow something, you know, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Especially when somebody's dead. And if you just get rid of the part where the guy killed himself, you have one roommate fucking around with his other roommate A little bit. Bit. A little bit, Right?

[Allison Rosen]

And even that is he didn't actually film it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so fucking sad, the society we're living in. And what the fuck is going on with the news? And by the way, you guys call yourselves journalists. You got nothing. Right? And you fuck up left and right. So please stop hitting it with your fucking agenda. You report. I've said this many times. You report the news. You don't make it. You don't twist it. You don't bend it. You don't put fucking Cool Whip on it. You just report it. And I know you have an agenda, but this doesn't work with your agenda. So you have to wait around for a story that does, but you're not allowed to make one into a story that fits your fucking agenda, you ass wipes. Of course they have an agenda. A notion that we try to think this society and the news people don't have a fucking agenda. Is insane when you know all the details of what happened with this actual story. And so where did things stand now with this? Well, he's appealing it because the fucking retard jurors convicted him and he's appealing it and he would not take the plea thing, which basically would. We need him to stand like, we're so starving for homophobic and we're. We have such a thirst for homophobia and we have such a thirst for racism and sexism where we literally go, just stand up and admit you hate gay people. So we can beat off and go home and admit we are in a fucking horrible homophobic society. And then we'll let you walk. Just lie. Just admit you hate gays. Just admit it and then we'll let you go home. Of course you're fucking hungry for it. It's so sad. This is really. It's the least homophobic. Least. This country is easily the least homophobic and easily the least racist and sexist nation on the planet. Sorry. Sorry everyone who hates it. Sorry. For everyone who won't see the truth. Yes. Is there homophobia? Yes. Is it racism? Yes. Is there xenophobia and sexism? I can make an argument for that. Yes. Yes. But nowhere near what you guys not think make it. They're not thinking it. They're making it. You understand? We think we're 60% of people walking around are racist and homophobic. But we're not at 60%, we're not even into double digits. So what do we do? We gotta spin some news and we gotta pad those numbers. And it's fucking sad when it happens to guys like this. Cuz they are fucking more victims than the guy jumped off the bridge. All right, anyway, just wanted to straighten that out with you people.

[Giovanni]

Fun times.

[Adam Carolla]

Good times.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, my sides hurt.

[Adam Carolla]

Should we take ourselves a little. Should we take a little break?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

We got Ben Schwartz in here. He's gonna come in. What the hell's this show?

[Allison Rosen]

House of Lies.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, House of Lies.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Ooh.

[Adam Carolla]

The very aptly titled House of Lies. Lies will do. News what can happen. Complain about Kansas City Uptown Theater this Friday and Lincoln, Nebraska, Rococo Theater this Saturday. So check that out. Quick break right back after this. Yeah, Ben Schwartz here from House of Lies. Hello, season finale. Good to see you, Ben. Sorry. Good to see you.

[Brian Bishop]

I was. I was like. Is that where I say my name? The big paws?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it was me. Showtime, 10pm April 1, big season finale. Don Cheadle, one of. One of the greatest actors we have, I think. And Kristen Bell, super sweet. Yeah, she's a really nice person. You get to spend some time with her.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Both of those guys, the four of us play the main characters. Them. And then this guy, Josh Lawson. They're all insanely nice and insanely talented.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Cheadle's nice, huh?

[Brian Bishop]

So funny. Also, any stupid bit you start behind the scenes, he'll continue anything you say. He'll. Yes, and. And make a joke and it'll be great.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, and. And not only that, but.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I know. Yes, and then. But. And then how.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's an improv. I like that. Ben, I was reading here that you started off doing freelance writing for monologue for Letterman's Monologue and then getting into snl.

[Brian Bishop]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

As well. The news on snl.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I did freelance, so I faxed in jokes. I wasn't like a real writer. I was never a staff writer. I freelanced. So I had to buy a fax machine and buy a landline in order to do that. And then you get paid so little. When you get a joke on that, it would just fund that.

[Adam Carolla]

The landline and literally that's it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what did you average like on your best?

[Brian Bishop]

Was my batting percentage.

[Adam Carolla]

That's unfair. Because. Because people don't realize that you would get cut from any minor league team in the country with that batting average.

[Brian Bishop]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Because for. If you're getting one joke for 25 that you submit, you're doing pretty damn good.

[Brian Bishop]

That would be. You're an All Star. That would be an all star. Yeah. That's like Mark McGuire numbers.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right. You're juicing.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, that's exactly right.

[Adam Carolla]

Your computer's on creatine.

[Steve Guttenberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

It's just leaking out all of its USB ports.

[Adam Carolla]

Your keyboard.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So the keyboard would be huge.

[Brian Bishop]

All of a sudden. The first season would be really tiny keyboard. Then it's like this massive three level keyboard.

[Adam Carolla]

Address a senate committee and then the guy come out and talk about it.

[Brian Bishop]

It starts crying. Its kids don't know what's going on anymore.

[Allison Rosen]

The space bar would shrivel up.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

Terrible.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Somebody writes a tell all book. Conseco writes a tell all book about your keyboard.

[Brian Bishop]

Right. But you can't read it on computers. It's only paperback. So the keyboard feels even worse and.

[Adam Carolla]

Has nothing to do with it. See, this is. Yes. And at its finest. I don't even know what we're talking about anymore.

[Brian Bishop]

We have a tight three hours of this, right? This interview is a tight three.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like after 85 or 90 minutes, we move into monitors.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, that's smart.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we transition into monitors, and then.

[Brian Bishop]

We see if we get sponsors for the rest of us. So it'll waste our time, and we.

[Adam Carolla]

Start talking about computers in general. Like, what's up with the tower? Hey, buddy, you're up to my shin. Is that a tower?

[Brian Bishop]

That's great.

[Adam Carolla]

Godzilla. Come on.

[Brian Bishop]

That's perfect.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's good stuff.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, we should save it for hour three.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? Let. Let's fax this shit in. A lot of let's make some money. Let's up that average.

[Brian Bishop]

God, so smart. I feel like I've learned more in the first 20 seconds of the show.

[Adam Carolla]

We should quit now, man.

[Brian Bishop]

This is it. You know, when you climax this hard, strong.

[Adam Carolla]

Now roll over and have a smoke. Don't go for number two. You pull a cap.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't you dare. Take your time. Rest up. It's going to take 10 minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

We're in refractory. You guys carry the show. We're cruising in refractory. I want Virtual Adam to take over. Go ahead. Thank you. Ball. Brian. That's why you. I'm gonna lean back. Yeah. This is Virtual Adam.

[Brian Bishop]

Wait, what does Virtual Adam do?

[Adam Carolla]

Let the baby have his bottle. I figured. I figured out about five key phrases. I could almost conduct an interview.

[Brian Bishop]

Can I say. Can I say a sentence? And you reply as Virtual Adam. We'll see if it actually works.

[Allison Rosen]

Adam couldn't be more happy if you tickled his balls right now.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, thanks for so much for having me on the show, Adam. So what do you want to talk about?

[Adam Carolla]

About? I don't know about that.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, no, it doesn't make much sense. I'm just. I'm just saying, like, do you want to talk about the news or you want to say some jokes? Or.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why you get the big bucks.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you so much for having me on, Adam. It was really nice to be here. And is there anything you want to plug?

[Adam Carolla]

What are you gonna do now? I think you have to end with a statement. When you go with the question, that's where the problem.

[Giovanni]

Adam's just chiming in.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, so, like. Okay, so, like, so, geez. I think Jeremy Lin is losing a little bit. He's injured now.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a big boy. It works perfect.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, hold up, hold up. But even with that, I think the Knicks still have a chance to get in the playoffs. I mean, they're still pretty good.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know about that.

[Brian Bishop]

Maybe I know because Amari's injured also, but if you give them some time, I feel like by the end of the season they should get there.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you gonna do?

[Brian Bishop]

You're right. No, you're right.

[Adam Carolla]

Try Isaac Hayes. I think you can do the same thing with Isaac Hayes.

[Brian Bishop]

Me and Isaac Hayes had a two person show.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a good thing. Yeah, go ahead.

[Brian Bishop]

Same type of thing. End in a statement.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Isaac, the whole idea of you dropping out of south park kind of was weird. Do you still feel. Do you still feel like that was the right decision?

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes it works well.

[Brian Bishop]

I ate eggs today and it was delicious.

[Adam Carolla]

It's good.

[Brian Bishop]

So this is just your show all day?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not talking for the rest of the time? Sometimes, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Is this a new couch, Isaac?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

We're not doing any better.

[Brian Bishop]

It also means that your man is very good playing virtual.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah. No. And he's gonna parlay this into millions more.

[Brian Bishop]

He doesn't need you anymore. That's his own.

[Adam Carolla]

That's his own podcast, so. And also, can I ask a question?

[Brian Bishop]

This is so bad. Have you ever had virtual Adam talk to virtual Isaac? So literally no one has to be in this room.

[Giovanni]

Oh, that's too fast typing.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Brian Bishop]

I understood. Understood to make it sound.

[Giovanni]

There'd be like. But if it gave me enough notice.

[Adam Carolla]

I could do it snl. I will oftentimes just fast forward to the news and watch that.

[Giovanni]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

On snl?

[Brian Bishop]

Did you go through the SNL thing? Do you audition for a Weekend Update and stuff like that, or. No?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I've never, never been invited there. Never. I never had anything to do with it. I feel like I interviewed and known a thousand people that have gone through those doors over the years. And I loved Norm MacDonald doing the news, but I like Dennis doing the news. And I liked all of them. I realized realize it's when you start when you're on your fifth newscaster that you really like. You realize you just kind of like the format of them taking what went on during the week and telling the jokes.

[Brian Bishop]

I agree.

[Adam Carolla]

That guy sounds hot. And I also think that we should be able to watch. It's really kind of cool because they have to be completely topical and have to really sort of capture the big stuff of what went on that week. And I'd love to see one from Neyland. I'd love to see one from 87, because I bet they'd bring up a bunch of Shit about stuff that you just remember from your Ollie north and Teddy Ruxtable or whatever.

[Brian Bishop]

Teddy Ruxtable is also. That's like the Huxtables meet Teddy Ruxton.

[Adam Carolla]

Bad sweater, animatronic little teddy bears. But all the shit like you, if you just saw one from 1988, you'd just be going, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Just remembering your past automatically. They said back then they used to have someone under the deck desk writing jokes and handing it to them. Like, live while it's happening. While someone's thinking of a joke, they would throw it to him. Supposedly that used to happen.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what happened with Ben. Get under the desk. Oh, for the jokes.

[Brian Bishop]

No, man.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

It's so weird. Like, the only way you can tell me a joke is you have to talk through my penis microphone.

[Adam Carolla]

And I literally.

[Brian Bishop]

They're like, it's not on yet. And they, like, get it warmed up, right? And then sound check.

[Adam Carolla]

You get the big box. And if I really like one that jokes, I'll let you know.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. By the way, they always let me know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Every single time. They let me know. And on the other. I never got one on.

[Adam Carolla]

You never got one on?

[Brian Bishop]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Who were you writing them for?

[Brian Bishop]

I wrote for. I got. I got two or three on Weekend Update. I wrote for. It was. I think it was Fallon and Tina Fey. No, it was Amy.

[Adam Carolla]

Paula.

[Brian Bishop]

It was Amy and Tina Fey and Tina Fey was having a baby. So Horatio stepped in and I'd been freelance for a bit, and Horatio said mine were always a little bit racy. And Horatio said to my racier things and they went over the last. They got were so fun because the audience like one of those, right? One of them. Man, it happened so long ago. I wish one of them was. There's a. Oh, one. There's a new. The Mint is releasing a new coin showing Thomas Jefferson with a hint of a smile, a smile that says, hey, you see that slave over there?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I tap that ass, right? Like, it'll be jokes like that. And then like, the audience didn't know how to react, but so I got two on the same trip. And then Isaac loves that joke.

[Adam Carolla]

I always like. And I don't know why, but when the audience doesn't know how to react, it's funny because one of the only people that tells them how to react is Bill Maher. Like, Bill Maher is like, Bill Maher will just have. His audience is just a bunch of people. And you just get up there and you go. Call me old fashioned, but I think every child, no matter the color, your skin or your heritage, has a right to a good education. And it's like you just throw all those. Just sort of.

[Brian Bishop]

He has a. Applause meters is huge.

[Adam Carolla]

They must have something. But all you do is throw out some of those. Sometimes the best man for a job is a woman. And you can just. You just go and loaded with about five of those and sit back and enjoy it. But every once in a while. Once in a while, Bill Maher will say, this guy. It's usually when you do some Hitler reference or something that confuses people. And the audience would be like, huh? What? And he'll turn and yell at them. I'm not saying that's me. I'm saying that's him, you idiot. He's the only guy I know. I actually yell at the audience. I like that.

[Brian Bishop]

You're not anti Semitic. You're talking about someone who is anti Semitic. I totally get it now. I totally get it.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a little math that's hard for audiences to do, which is if you get two or three references away, they'll just stop on the last one and get fucked up. But just halt. Yes. So I'm sorry. Where were you?

[Giovanni]

I feel.

[Brian Bishop]

So I got. My batting percentage was. I got maybe 15, 16 jokes on letters. And it was right when I was 21. Right when I got out of college. Yeah, but for me, that was the. I was a page there. I didn't have any. My whole family is like social workers and Bronx school teachers and stuff like that. So nobody's in entertainment. So it was huge that I was a page. I even let people in the audience. That, to me, was amazing. And I got to watch him say my jokes because I was there. So it's crazy to watch that.

[Adam Carolla]

Would. You know from rehearsal in advance?

[Brian Bishop]

No, he doesn't. He wouldn't rehearse.

[Adam Carolla]

You wouldn't know.

[Brian Bishop]

You know, he must.

[Adam Carolla]

You'd just be kind of waiting for your job.

[Brian Bishop]

The most nervous. True. It's funny. Never talk about this. The. The. He keeps doing jokes. You don't know how long his monologue is gonna be. And then you can't see my hand. This doesn't work in a podcast, but he would point to Schaeffer, Paul Schaefer. And the second he points, it means the monologue is over. And every time points. If you hear really, like in the background, you hear me going, fuck. That's like, come on, you fucking asshole. Yeah, but then when I get one on, it was like, I remember at the Beginning. Everybody writes so many familiar jokes that are so similar that it could. Could not be. Sometimes it's not your joke, because if Paris Hilton run, you know, I remember Paris Hilton got rear ended. It's like Everybody's gonna write 60 rear ended Paris Hilton jokes. So you, like, learn. I try to write more obscure ones while still writing in his voice.

[Adam Carolla]

I just came up with a great idea for a late night talk show host where I show where I host.

[Brian Bishop]

So far it sounds amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

I have no writers so far.

[Brian Bishop]

We're down. We're down a notch. We started high, we're down lower.

[Adam Carolla]

It's called. It's called America. America makes a joke and you guys. America. Okay? They all. America has to send in all their jokes for the monologue. The entire country.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Now the monologue sucks, but every single person in the country is watching just.

[Allison Rosen]

To see if they got a joke on.

[Adam Carolla]

See if they got a fucking joke on.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a great idea.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the greatest ruse in the world, right? If you watch, you may. We'll send you Chili's gift Certificate up to $50 if we use one of your jokes. And there's a good chance you may see one of your jokes on national television.

[Allison Rosen]

Gonna stay up all night writing 100%.

[Adam Carolla]

All you need is, like 5 million joke writers and they'd all sit up every night and they'd have to watch every second of the monologue. And then I'd go, oh, and there's a bonus joke. We sneak in at the end after the band plays. After the band. Just after I say thank you and good night, there's this quick bonus joke. I'll say, and that's it.

[Brian Bishop]

All the commercials. You put all the commercials. And then the special joke that's worth, like, the billion dollar lottery.

[Adam Carolla]

My entire audience is super disappointed joke writers. But I have huge numbers.

[Brian Bishop]

And you only accept the real racist jokes for no reason. Show becomes just a terrible show.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Giovanni]

Really smart, right?

[Adam Carolla]

But they can never count. They can never cancel us because the numbers are so amazing.

[Brian Bishop]

It's amazing. Everyone's staying on your 18 to 49 demo is huge.

[Adam Carolla]

Give me a break.

[Brian Bishop]

Give me a break.

[Adam Carolla]

A great show. All right, Allison Rosen, you want to queue up some news, baby girl? Maybe we'll jump in on some of that.

[Brian Bishop]

Can we all call her baby Girl? Just go ahead. All right, well, we'll see if it feels natural.

[Adam Carolla]

From her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison.

[Ben Schwartz]

Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

And when it's time to wrap it.

[Brian Bishop]

Up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison.

[Ben Schwartz]

Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Jackpot in Friday's Mega Millions lottery drawing has risen to half a billion dollars. That's more than 1200s, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Uh huh. It's the largest in the game's history. After Tuesday nights drawing produced no winning ticket. And initially they'd estimated that it was 476 million. But then a couple hours later they said, no, it is 500 million.

[Adam Carolla]

I think lynch or Gary or someone was telling me there was a line of retards waiting outside the gas station to buy these fucking tickets. And also I want all these people rounded up. I mean, for two reasons. One is the 36 million not enough to get you out of your one bedroom apartment. And you're slipping, number one. So a, stupid B. I know all these people are deadbeat dads and I know that fucking money. I know there's hammered welfare checks that are being used to buy that fucking money. I want all these fucking people rounded up.

[Giovanni]

So no office pool for us.

[Adam Carolla]

No. And I've said this a million times.

[Allison Rosen]

A lot of people are doing that.

[Adam Carolla]

Worst message a government can send its people is the lottery. You think about it, if you were a guidance counselor at a high school and you instructed one of your kids, kids, start playing the lottery, you'd be fired immediately. People would be outraged. That is the worst. Everything that this country is, is work hard, educate yourself, bust your butt, even playing field, all this, roll up your sleeves and get to work. And all this is, is the exact opposite of that. The message from the lottery is sit back and hope something good happens.

[Allison Rosen]

Come on. You have a 1 in 176 million chance of winning. Those are good odds.

[Adam Carolla]

God will not smile on you. You'll have no chance. It is the opposite of everything that we preach at our schools and in this country. It is the opposite of this country.

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

It's the cheap way of it, the antithesis of it. And it should be fucking illegal. And the idea that the money goes to the school system is like selling crack cocaine and giving the extra money to pregnant moms.

[Allison Rosen]

That would sell better than those chocolate bars that you were talking about yesterday. No, I'm saying went door to door.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying we should do.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, this is an idea.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a planet joke.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm so sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I mean it. No, this is fucking horrible. It should be legal. It's retarded gambling. It's gambling for addicted people that really can't make it out to Laughlin and can't make it to one of the bicycle casinos. Yeah, they can't make the prim or. Oh, where the fuck's that town? Oh, Baker, the scariest thing is that.

[Brian Bishop]

You said that nobody won last time, so essentially everybody could buy tickets, and again, nobody could win.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, I hope no one ever wins and eventually we all just fucking cave in on ourselves and the idea that, oh, the money's going to the school system. How's LA and California schools ranked nationally. How have we done since we got all the fucking mega millions dollars? So is it helping the school system? I don't know. I think the school systems did better. I'll bet the standardized testing was a lot better before the lottery kicked in, number one, so it ain't helping anybody. Beats the worst fucking message you can send to a human being who lives in your society. You should hope. You show me a society where everyone plays a lottery, I'll show you a horrible society.

[Brian Bishop]

Is there an age limit on the lottery? Do you have to be 18 or does it even matter?

[Adam Carolla]

Probably need to be 18. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's every news report on this story that's on TV right now throwing to you, Cheryl. Hey, Don. Cheryl, if you won the lottery, would you still come to work tomorrow?

[Adam Carolla]

I would only for you, Don.

[Brian Bishop]

By the way, Don and Cheryl are fucking. We can get that out of the way, right? Don and Cheryl are straight up fucking. The way they're talking to each other like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

But the best thing is the way you said in the beginning, at 35 million, not a lot of people are lining up. But now that it's 500 million, right? It's an insane amount of money, regardless of what it is. Sure, that it's like, oh, 500. But I couldn't do what I really wanted to do with 30 million. But now with 500 million, I could really get that.

[Adam Carolla]

Plus your guys had, like, a moped that was impounded six months ago and doesn't have the 133 bucks to get it out. You don't think the third 35 million is enough to get you off the fucking Warren sofa? And, you know, they always do that thing where they go, would you quit your job? And my answer is, I would not quit my job because that implies I'd have to pick up the phone and call somebody. I just not show up. There'd be no official quitting of anything. I would not be there.

[Brian Bishop]

They said when people who win the lottery, they always get hit up and they're more likely to get killed. And commit suicide. There's huge things that people. Because all their friends hit them off for all their money and it becomes they can't go out at night. Then people try to rob them. There's a huge documentary about it anytime.

[Allison Rosen]

I think it's the sample size though, that they're able to do to get these statistics on.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I mean, at least Don and Cheryl. That's two.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They're all over the state and all over the states because every state has their own lottery. And the shit's been going on for 30 years now in a lot of these states. And you'd be surprised. And not everything is 500 million bucks. Sometimes it's just 2 million bucks. And what happens is you get the super poor guy who gets $2.3 million. Well, the first rook is the part where they go, would you like half of it?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, if. Okay, if you win the 500 million, you can either get it as an annuity over 26 years or you can get it in a one time lump sum payment, which would only be 359 million.

[Brian Bishop]

And then you pay taxes on that 350 million.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

Which would make it what, 100, at least 80 million.

[Adam Carolla]

You're down to, to 200 million easily.

[Allison Rosen]

How can you live on that?

[Brian Bishop]

You gotta wait till it gets bumped. That's like 800 million to start playing the lottery. That's what Adam's saying right now. Wait till 400.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

The stories are always horrible because the person thinks $2.2 million is enough for them to lead the rest of their life. So they start buying like houses and boats and putting their high school jersey number on Cadillacs and things like that. I guess I'm talking about the Jews. All right, I'm set. The point is this. And their friends want to borrow money and the next thing you know, their old lady seeing their best friend. And then there's an insurance thing and then the guy's dead, he's got to kill himself. I've seen those documentaries. It never comes out good. It does not come out good. Whether you're a child of a rich guy who invented his own, you know, software company and did, and it was a self starter and then just dumped you a bunch of money on your 18th birthday. Or you win a lottery when you get money dumped in your lap for no good reason, when you don't earn it. And whether it's a ton of money or even a little money money, whether it's the stipend from the state or it's the mega bucks, it never works out. Why? Because you did not earn it. And by not earning it, you don't have the tools that you would need to deal with it. See, the guy who started his own Corporation, made $500 million, has 20 years of experience behind him and knows exactly what to do with that money. When it just gets dumped in your lap and you're used to making 11 bucks an hour, you fucking go nuts.

[Brian Bishop]

I think you're more afraid of losing it. Also if you work for it, you're way more afraid of losing that money as opposed to when you just get.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure you respect it more. Because you realize you didn't just go down to the liquor store, buy 40 and a lotto tickets. You actually fuckin. Again, I'm talking about the Jews. Read between the lines. I'm saying this, it should be illegal. Gambling is illegal. Can't bet on football games. Can't bet on sports. Here you can't play 21. We've decided that there's a moral issue with gambling in this state. This is a retarded form of gambling that is aimed at understanding undereducated people. And it's a fucking horrible message to send, especially to the kids who go to school, which it claims to benefit, except for if you look at the test scores, it does not get rid of this fucking scourge known as the lottery.

[Allison Rosen]

You have more chance of dying in a fireworks accident than when in the lottery.

[Brian Bishop]

You said one in 175 million.

[Allison Rosen]

176 million.

[Brian Bishop]

So essentially if 176 million people bought one ticket, they would win.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

That would be so smart. They would win $576 million.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, literally.

[Brian Bishop]

That's how to win. But there's no way. That's correct. But that's the way. And get everything I'm getting on it. That's what it is.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I've said my piece.

[Allison Rosen]

So guess what, Adam. Here's something.

[Brian Bishop]

Is this the segment called Guess what Adam?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

I love this. This is my favorite segment.

[Allison Rosen]

Guess what, Adam? Go.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm looking up at line one and Dusty from Seattle. And I love me a dusty, especially a 20 year old dusty did what I said to do, which was refuse to do the mandatory sexual harassment seminar that the employees all have to do.

[Allison Rosen]

Now that's a good guess, but actually what I wanted to tell you was turns out you were right about something. Meat eating. Animals lose their sweet tooth over time. Evolution.

[Adam Carolla]

Humans eating.

[Brian Bishop]

You say humans eating animals?

[Allison Rosen]

No. Okay, see we had this whole debate on the podcast about whether dogs will eat pie because Adam said that his dog wouldn't. But Brian and I felt that no dogs will eat water balloons and they'll also eat pie. And dogs are not meant in this story. However, European and US scientists, there's findings that say that animals that are carnivorous. So meat eating animals appear to lose their ability to taste sweet flavors over time. Most mammals are believed to possess the ability to taste sweet, savory, bitter, salty and sour. However, they discovered that in domestic and wild cats due to there's a gene defect that makes it so they can't taste sweet things. And then the Same team examined 12 different mammals who subsist mainly on meat and fish and focused on a couple of the sweet taste receptor genes and found this mutation that makes it so they can't taste sweet stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

I was schooled on this by everyone on Twitter who said their dog would break into a sack of muffins and tear everything apart. I will concede that everyone has a horrible dog that eats anything and tears into everything. I think it's in a weird way, I think it's more a discipline thing than a taste thing. My dog is a, like, my dog is like Lord Rothschild, like, will not, you know, needs to canned food and needs it to be busted up in just a certain way.

[Brian Bishop]

Needs to watch you busted up, watch you busted up.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm like, give her fucking kibble. Like, oh, she won't eat that kibble. So her thing is all about protein. It has to be bacon, it has to be skin. It has to come from an animal and it has to. It can be cottage cheese. It just needs cheese, dairy, protein, even a nut. My dog will eat nuts because there's protein.

[Allison Rosen]

Did she do in south beach eat.

[Adam Carolla]

Peanut butter and all that kind of stuff? Yeah, but. Right, but there's no way she'll eat a piece of fruit unless it's got some meat fat or something protein on it. And she won't eat a piece of bread because it's all got to be sort of passed through her protein thing. But I've been told by everyone now that they all have a dog that will gladly tear into anything that's edible and, and devour it. But I don't know how much of that is. They crave bran in their system or they just aren't just fucking wild animals that just are hungry.

[Brian Bishop]

The thing is when you train them, I remember my, I had a dog growing up and we would. Anything that was on the kitchen table, we would just feed him. So he just got used to eating anything we fucking throw at his face. And then anytime. Then it became, don't leave it out on the kitchen table, because he will eat anything. Because we just trained him that when we're sitting at this table, food exists.

[Adam Carolla]

But you would, like, if you're sitting at a table and you're eating a steak and you drop a scrap piece of fat or gristle or whatever, the dog will definitely mow that down. But if you're eating a piece of broccoli and it doesn't have any of the steak fat on it, it's just like braca flour. And you put it down to the dog. Dog just kind of sniffs it. At least that's what my dog does. But it's like, no, thanks.

[Brian Bishop]

Put it in the mouth and slowly spit it out. Like, how dare you. Like, slowly spit it out and look at you.

[Adam Carolla]

One of the greatest things I ever did was I'd go to that zancoo chicken and they'd give you the chicken and the beef and the shawarma and all that good stuff. You'd be eating that stuff up, but they also give you that weird pickled, horseradishy, weird radish thing. And it was red and radishy. And for some reason it tastes horrible. But. But there's things that taste horrible, but if you take one bite of them at the right time, in between bites of things that taste good, they get better. Yep. I think it's that thing, like, where you, like, if you come and choke yourself out at the same time, it's better, but if you just choke yourself out, like when you're driving, it's not nearly as much fun.

[Allison Rosen]

Auto erotic asphyxiation? No, just asphyxiation.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Like auto asphyxiation?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. If you're just laying in a hospital bed and someone puts a pillow over your head.

[Brian Bishop]

Not fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Not that great.

[Allison Rosen]

It doesn't enhance anything.

[Brian Bishop]

Someone's doing that. Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

God. Yeah. Yeah. So if they take the belt of their ghee and pull it just tight enough when you're coming, that's good. Yeah. So this weird radish thing is one of those things where if you take a bite of it in between the chicken and the lamb or whatever. So much good. I was eating my buddy Alex's house when I was house sitting. I'm in his little dog Barney. Never sidetracked. Come on. Give me, give me, give me, give me. And I'd give it some skin because I didn't want to eat the skin. You know, give it a little piece of grass grizzle. But kept bugging me. And eventually I gave it that horseradish thing and the thing just did the. And I go, here you go. Here you go, Barney. And I went and did they. And it just falls out. I like when the dogs, they don't have an ejection system, right. They're not James Bundles out. Yeah. It'd be like if James Bond opened the door and pushed a guy out versus hitting the switch. You know, like they just go, right. And it just falls out. Out. It's a good thing dogs can't spit. I feel like there'd be a lot of dogs like, yeah. Out of here with that.

[Brian Bishop]

A lot of attitude. A lot of attitude.

[Adam Carolla]

Stuff like that. So it just opened its mouth and let the thing fall out and gave me the what? The. I can't believe that came from the styrofoam container. You've been eating all the other delightful things out of. But I found that dogs don't like stuff other than that. But everyone has told me everyone, their dogs dig into everything. So maybe we're all.

[Brian Bishop]

All ice cubes.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, sea lions, fur seals, Pacific harbor seals, Asian small clawed otters, spotted hyenas and bottlenose dolphins.

[Adam Carolla]

All delicious, huh? Is that what you're telling.

[Allison Rosen]

They can't taste sweet stuff good.

[Brian Bishop]

However you don't want them to experience pleasure.

[Adam Carolla]

Their dentists are pissed. I'm a dentist. Who do you work on? Just the bottlenose dolphins and the otters. Just the fucking noise. It's always the same. Same X ray every time.

[Allison Rosen]

But raccoons, the Canadian otter, the spectacled bear and red wolf, who are animals that are exposed to sweet flavors, are able to.

[Brian Bishop]

Those are classy animals. You're talking about classy animals, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Ones that go through your trash and find your ho hos and things.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Should we talk to Dusty real quick? Dusty?

[Dusty]

Hey, Ace, how's it going?

[Adam Carolla]

Good. Dusty from Seattle. What's happening?

[Dusty]

Oh, I'm just on my lunch break calling the Ace man.

[Adam Carolla]

So I. I basically proposed that everybody within the sound of my voice, next time they do one of these mandatory sexual harassment meetings, we should not go. And they couldn't fire everybody. They do. We have a society where they go, oh, you don't go to this meeting, you'll be fired.

[Brian Bishop]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell that to the 400 people who work in this building who will not be there. You're going to fire everybody in this fucking building and then do what Monday? And by the way, you're going to have wrongful terminations suits if you fire a bunch of people for not going to a sexual harassment meeting unless you can prove there's a history of sexual harassment. If you have no history, if you have a long history of employment and no history of sexual harassment, I don't think you can fire somebody for that. I think you could take it to the Supreme Court.

[Brian Bishop]

In that case, you could say that those meetings are putting the thoughts in their heads that this is how I can sexually harass. Oh, I could do. This is something that I could do, right? Touch breast. Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So, Dusty, you refused. And I'm also sure that in this world where you can get a kosher meal in prison if you have to, that you could just say whatever religion you were said, you can't go in and talk, have a woman speak to you about such matters. And you could definitely get out on a religious past. Okay, do it all you did with Vietnam.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, man, they're making a movie about that.

[Giovanni]

Interjection real quick. This has answered all your problems. You need to found a religion and like, like, like a religion that all those tenets are. My religion does not allow me to go to these meetings. My religion does not allow me to Passion fruit iced tea.

[Adam Carolla]

It's called.

[Giovanni]

This is the way to knock out all these things.

[Adam Carolla]

It's called the. I'm smart. I'm only planning on living to my mid-70s, so why are you fucking wasting my life? But I'm gonna have to shorten it up and call it something.

[Giovanni]

Call it something. Yes, that's right, Reverend.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Adanetics.

[Brian Bishop]

Adanax is probably smart, Dustin.

[Dusty]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So you were what, what kind of place do you work at?

[Dusty]

Well, I work in a, like a plumbing supply company and there's a warehouse side and there's kind of like a sales side. And I started the job in like November. And then I a part of my training, I had to watch like an hour, you know, sexual harassment video. And I was like, okay, that's fine. You know, one of those horrible 90s.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, movies, the best, by the.

[Dusty]

Way, groping somebody at work, which never happens.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, sure, sure.

[Dusty]

But I watched it for part of my trainings. I just started the job, you know, I didn't want to make any waves. And then in December, so, you know, a month later, somebody on the sales side said like an obscene joke or something that got somebody riled up. So they called it like a mandatory meeting for everybody to watch this video that me and like, for Their new hires just watched, like, last month, right? And I talked to them. I'm like, we just watched this. We don't have to go. There's no reason. We've already. It's fresh in our mind. There's. There's no reason we should go.

[Adam Carolla]

This.

[Dusty]

Everyone's just scared. And everyone was like, yeah, I'm down. I mean, we just watched that stupid thing and my boss get all freaked out. It's a mandatory thing. HR is gonna be all up on our ass if we, you know, if we. Yeah, if we don't do this.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you do it?

[Dusty]

I called up HR and I was like, up in corporate, and I'm like, listen, we just watched this video a month ago. It's gonna be a waste of our time. And she's like, yeah, it's fine. You guys. You guys watch it. You know, it was all about. You just had a test on it. I'm like, see?

[Adam Carolla]

There you go.

[Dusty]

And my boss. My boss, who was filling out his Mega Millions lottery ticket today, was.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Dusty. Look, the point is, anybody can say they were sexually harassed, so why bother having a fucking meeting about it? And you'll know when you're sexually harassing somebody. And the scale is so broad because everyone that's done stuff and seen stuff and had stuff happen at work that would completely cross the line from any meeting. And there's no real scale for sexual harassment. Like, there's no yardstick to measure it. We've all done a kajillion things that would fall under the heading of sexual harassment as described by these women with the huge amber beats.

[Giovanni]

It's like when someone says, I feel threatened or I felt threatened, right?

[Adam Carolla]

It's a fucking huge waste of time. And it's one more. It's basically one more way our society is becoming less productive and worrying more about fucking bullying and harassment and everything else that we really can't fucking control. You'll know it when you see it. Now let's get to work. And it's the only thing. Like, you have to get a DUI in order to go to alcohol treatment counseling. This is the only thing where you do this retarded preemptive stream strike. Like, you go to it before there's any history of it. And I also argue that if you have five of these under your belt, you don't need to go to another one. You should.

[Allison Rosen]

Developments are there in sexual harassment?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there should. It should be like a tetanus shot.

[Brian Bishop]

I will tell Dusty to lay off the phrase. It's still fresh in my mind. When you're talking about sexual harassment videos, that doesn't, that doesn't bode well when you're telling your about, like. Oh, I still remember the last one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

My question is, do you think this is an honest question, although it may sound like a joke? Do you think that there is sexual harassment training for strippers or escorts before they do it when you work in a strip club? And would the rules be totally different?

[Adam Carolla]

You mean like it's a corporate world? If it's a big corporate like Spearmint.

[Brian Bishop]

Rhino, like exactly are the rules. Totally. Are they the sexual or harassment exist in that world.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Well, it's probably like a weird opposite sexual harassment.

[Brian Bishop]

I love this idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Like somebody. What if Somebody offers you $20 to suck their cock?

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, obviously you. You look at that as an attack. That $50 would be much more appropriate.

[Brian Bishop]

Right, right, right, right.

[Allison Rosen]

And like I was talking to my boss and all he did was look at my eyes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right.

[Brian Bishop]

It was terrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And you know, there's all sorts of etiquette about tipping the DJ a percentage of the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's say you've been having a bad day and he throws on cherry pie and you kick, you kick your, your groove into the next level. And thus some 20 start making it rain on stage. If you don't tip that guy out.

[Brian Bishop]

Then we gotta do with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely. Human resources.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the equivalent of sexual harassment at a strip club.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey everybody, we got a mandatory meeting coming up. I spell meeting. M E A to you, James. Stage four. Stage four, James. Oh, he's a little business for them to take care of.

[Brian Bishop]

That's amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, where were we during the show?

[Brian Bishop]

While she's on stage, Candy's up on stage.

[Adam Carolla]

But before she gets off, remember to.

[Brian Bishop]

Feel her tits or we all get in trouble.

[Adam Carolla]

That's Candy.

[Brian Bishop]

C A N D I E Y.

[Adam Carolla]

E. Anyway, I'm living in my parents basement.

[Brian Bishop]

You can see me de agus for a long time. Let's end it here.

[Allison Rosen]

New York City has recently created a list of words that will be banned from New York State tests. And it includes such words as birthday and dinosaur.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Allison Rosen]

Because dinosaur may offend those who don't believe in Halloween. May be. Some people think that it is a pagan holiday. And then birthday. Birthdays aren't celebrated by Jehovah's Witnesses.

[Brian Bishop]

And yet one of the questions is literally on that test. One of the questions is, what's your favorite dinosaur? Halloween birthday Party. How are you supposed to.

[Allison Rosen]

How do you answer that question anymore?

[Brian Bishop]

That's crazy to me.

[Allison Rosen]

Isn't that crazy other bands.

[Brian Bishop]

That's in high school?

[Allison Rosen]

You said this is for. No, it's for all the testing. Yeah, it's for all the standardized testing. This list went out to the different companies who are trying to get the contracts to write the tests.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, I know this is one of those that sounds insane and we're gonna pick it up and run with it, but do we really think dinosaurs not gonna be loud in testing? Like, I don't. By the way, I don't know how much it's gotta be in textbooks, right? I mean.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, well. Yeah, well, I feel like there's a push against ever teaching evolution, but I don't think that's passed yet.

[Brian Bishop]

That was one of the most important parts. I remember growing up as a kid, people loved dinosaurs and to go to the Natural History Museum in New York.

[Allison Rosen]

You had a song about stegosauruses. Did anyone else have songs about dinosaurs?

[Brian Bishop]

No. You went to a weird school.

[Adam Carolla]

No. That's freaky.

[Brian Bishop]

Baby doll.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Nailed it. We got one baby doll out there.

[Adam Carolla]

No, my son says that's why you get the big buck is he loves dinosaurs. He's going to be a dinosaur scientist. Like, be ready for the pussy avalanche. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

For the pussy avalanche.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Put that fucking neck brace on now, son, because it's coming. It's gonna be a dinosaur scientist. Although I think the paleontologist. I think. Well, that's. Yeah, I think his son have this. The percentage of boys that before the age of 10 say they're gonna be a race car driver or dinosaur scientist is. Or let's say I'll get a race car or professional athlete or firefighter.

[Brian Bishop]

Firefighter, basketball. That was my dream.

[Adam Carolla]

We give professional athlete, firefighter, dinosaur, whatever, that there's like five things that guys all say they're going to do before the age of 10. And then for chicks it's always veterinarian. It's always. They're going to work with animals. I'm going to fix horses. And then at a certain point they hit 13 and they go, what? That fucking biology book is so thick. Fuck that. And they start getting. And then you really get. You realize what percent every single playmate, if you read what they were going to be in, you know, junior hives. Veterinarian. It's like it's always. Was never going to. I was going to take my clothes off and mince about in front of a camera and fuck. James Caan. In the grotto. Like that's never on their list. It's always veterinary. So I think this work with dinosaurs, you can't help it. Because every third book, because all kids books are just fucking total cop outs. Like they're all derivative and they're all just like, hey, what do you want to do? Let's write a kid's book. Let's see, what shall the topic be? Should we get into nafta? No. How about dinosaurs? Okay, let's do it. Dinosaurs. Because kids, it's trains and dinosaurs. I'm gonna fucking write a book called Dinosaur Train. And I say, oh, Mr. Dinosaur drove a train. And every kid, it's fucking heroin that's heaven to five year old boys. Like, they can't stop with the trains and they can't stop with the dinosaurs. So every third book is, oh, he's a little trained. He wasn't as powerful, but he's strong. He's got a strong will. And the dinosaur is Mr. Dinosaur. So every kid thus wants to either do something. I want to be a trained conductor and I want to work with dinosaurs. And no one ends up doing it because it's the shit we feed them nonstop.

[Brian Bishop]

I remember when my friend in elementary school, high school realized he's like, I'm going to play. Not only did he play for the NBA, he's like, I'm going to play for the Seattle SuperSonics. That's where I'm going to play. And I remember the week where he realized that he's not good enough to get into college basketball, let alone be in the NBA. I remember looking at him being like, oh, that's his. Watching his dream just like crush in front of his face. But he held onto that till high school. He was like, oh, I'm gonna play.

[Adam Carolla]

On the Sonics in high school.

[Brian Bishop]

In high school, when he was playing high school, I was like, I'm playing the Sonics. And then I was like, you're not. There's no way you're gonna be playing college. What are you talking about?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I like when the guys actually pick the team that's going to draft them.

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. They're like, nah, man, I'm not going to play for the Nets. There's no way I'll play for the Nets. I'll play for the Sonics if that happens. You know what I mean? Like, no way will I play for the net.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, sorry. Keep going.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, so these are the words that they're saying can't be used in the New York State tests. Like the standardized test.

[Brian Bishop]

That's great.

[Allison Rosen]

They can't use them.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody suggesting that or trying to get them off or is it a mandate? Because I would be very surprised.

[Allison Rosen]

Topics were recently spelled out in a request for proposals provided to companies competing to revamp New York City's English, math, science and social studies studies tests.

[Adam Carolla]

That is insane. With the dinosaur and the Jehovah's, who gives a.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you had. Do you know Jehovah's Witnesses?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

They don't celebrate Christmas either. They celebrate Jesus's death day, but they're not going to celebrate the birthday and.

[Adam Carolla]

They also celebrate their parents anniversary. That's a big.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that true?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Jehovah's Witnesses.

[Adam Carolla]

That would have been good with me because I would have had to knock that off about age 7, free to do whatever I wanted. That's a little something called divorce. I worked with a Jehovah's Witness named Andy who I used to paint commercial offices with. And he named his kid. He had about seven kids. He named him after the apostles. And it was just like when you paint, the only thing you can do is talk because you're in a room that is a small room. Like we paint the Twin Towers in Century City and we paint lawyers offices. And you'd both go in there and one guy would be cutting in with the brush and the other guy have the roller out. And that's about all you could do is just fucking stand there and talk because you're four feet away from each other. And that was about it. And there's no earbuds back then. So it was just all just like, I'm bored off my ass and I'll talk to anybody who's in this room. And you know, Tom Hanks had a better time at that volleyball on the fucking beach than I had with Andy. Honestly Wills. And it would just be like, you know, Jehovah. And then eventually turns into, we're having a big rally at Dodger Stadium this weekend. If you're not doing anything like that's what I need to do is go to fucking Dodger Stadium with a bunch of Jehovah's and talk about apostles and painting. Like I. But. And we couldn't listen to any music because it had to be Christian rock.

[Brian Bishop]

Would he always lead the conversation towards Jehovah Witness stuff? Yeah, that no matter what.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you have to understand these guys, they don't have velvety tongues. Like they're not super funny, fast talking, cool dudes. They got into this religion because they weren't great Thinkers. So their mind was sort of soft enough to suck them down this road. And then once they got into it, their brain is like a very small sponge that just got filled with Jehovah talk. So when you squeeze it, all that ever comes out is Jehovah and a little soap. A lot of that. Yeah. And a weird mildewy smell.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

What is with sponges smelling disgusting all the time?

[Adam Carolla]

Don't know, don't know. Sorry. Where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

Director James Cameron plunged to the deepest known point in the ocean in a one man submersible. And as I believe it was Fondelier said, or no, maybe it was Matt Diana.

[Adam Carolla]

Mariana's Trench.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he said, that man's gonna die. It was a history made. Making solo venture to Challenger Deep, part of the Mariana Trench in the western Pacific Ocean. And this point that he went down to is about 35,800ft deep, which means that it is deeper than Mount Everest is tall. It's had only two previous human visitors, US Navy Lieutenant Don Walsh and the Link.

[Adam Carolla]

And Davy Jones in his locker and Megatron and Megatron.

[Allison Rosen]

And the fourth was Swiss explorer Jacques Piccard.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, I just feel like we could answer everything with, oh, you know who did that before you? You? Swiss Explorers Jacques. Everybody go, oh, wow, I didn't know that. Yeah, I didn't know that.

[Allison Rosen]

Were you a virgin before me?

[Adam Carolla]

No, sorry. Swiss Explorer Jacques Picard. High school. You'd never go, like, what? That's. Who's that guy? Like, I don't care if you were breaking the sound barrier. I don't care if you scaled, you know, Mount Olympus in your underpants. I don't care what it was. It was Swiss Explorers. Jacques Picard did that.

[Brian Bishop]

You know whose dog eats broccolini? Swiss Explorer. He looks just like Steve Zuzu. Bill Murray. Bill Murray's character in that Wes Anderson movie. That's what James Cameron looks like.

[Adam Carolla]

Exactly.

[Brian Bishop]

In this photo.

[Adam Carolla]

All you would need is a date to put after that. Oh, he did that in 94. Swiss explorer Jacques Picard did that in 97. And you just, you just be humbled. You just go, sorry, protest.

[Giovanni]

You always finish off. Oh, I made a documentary about it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah, I'll watch it. I'll check it out. Netflix Instant. I'll check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

So he went down to adapt the 35,000ft.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, 35,800ft. He's the first to make the trek alone. And the vessel he went down in is called the Deep Sea Challenger. It's the result of eight Years of development and construction and Cameron described the bottom of the sea as a very soft, almost gelatinous flat plain. It was almost featureless, and it went as far as he could see. He said it's a completely alien world down there. He didn't see large life forms that I think he was hoping he would see.

[Brian Bishop]

That's got to be a bummer, man. Yeah, Making it all the way down there and all you see is gelatin stuff below you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Brian Bishop]

That is a strikeout.

[Allison Rosen]

We'd all love to think this is him talking. We'd all love to think there are giant squid and sea monsters down there. We can't rule it out, but my bet is there aren't. What you're going to find is these very, very interesting animals, the likes of which we've never seen before, that have adapted to this extreme environment.

[Brian Bishop]

Or maybe they all escaped because you're in a neon green thing submerging for the first time ever.

[Adam Carolla]

I was poking out of it.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. He's playing Titanic in there. You know, he's playing Titanic in there.

[Adam Carolla]

I wish my mom was James Cameron's mom, because here's how that conversation would be. Mom, I just went to the bottom of the Marianas Trench. How deep was that, son? 35,800ft.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that deep?

[Adam Carolla]

So not 36,000? No, 35,800. Oh. But not 36. 35,800 is pretty deep. When you get to 36,000, we should talk.

[Allison Rosen]

I know someone who said that he went to 36.

[Brian Bishop]

Bobby from down the road went, three, six.

[Giovanni]

Swiss explorer, man.

[Brian Bishop]

He's drinking tea down there.

[Allison Rosen]

I thought we were going to have the drop. I was very thrown by that.

[Adam Carolla]

How would I know that? Thank you. All right, so that's cool. You got a love camera.

[Allison Rosen]

He must record the whole thing. Took like. Yes, he did.

[Brian Bishop]

It has to be for a movie or something.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I think he just wanted to see what was down. It's for science. He wanted to see what was down there.

[Adam Carolla]

But For Science is my favorite.

[Allison Rosen]

Something didn't work, though. Like, the arm thing didn't work. And he was gonna bring samples back, and he wasn't able to bring them up to go down again.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing, the sequel, he really. He thinks he's doing something, but he's really just fucking up all the good scientific writers, you know, because, remember, we used to go, like, from the moon comes a creature. And now it all got up because someone went on to the moon, you know, and then we did the same thing with Mars. Like these Creatures are from Mars. But then we send some probe to Mars and then no one buys it anymore. Like now, from the bowels of the ocean, from the Marianas Trench comes one of the scariest. Nah, Cameron's down. It turns out there's nothing like, you're up everyone's stories. We're taking the moon and Mars, the deepest part of the ocean.

[Allison Rosen]

No, too much.

[Brian Bishop]

That would be the best meeting to be in the studio meeting. So, like, we have this. So you get to the bottom, there's these big squids. No, no, we'll have to replace squids with gelatinism material. Clear.

[Adam Carolla]

Mini shrimp.

[Brian Bishop]

Just doing nothing. Just chilling, honestly.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's the thing, though. When he hit the bottom, he tweeted, just arrived at the ocean's deepest point. Hitting bottom never felt so good. And it was not how he was able to.

[Adam Carolla]

I bet he gets better cell reception in the bottom of the Mariana's Trench. And I get my fucking house in Hollywood Hills. That much I fucking know. I pull over by stop sign and have every conversation. Can't go up my driveway. It'll cut out every time.

[Brian Bishop]

The worst.

[Adam Carolla]

God damn it. Are so tortured.

[Brian Bishop]

That pun. That he did that whole thing for that tagline. Hitting the bottom never felt so good. I guarantee he thought of that tagline. He's like, guys, we got to do some where I can match us up with.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Proud. A team of guys faxing in jokes.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. All day.

[Allison Rosen]

That was yours, wasn't it?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it was. I got 75 bucks for that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Come full circle. I feel like we should get it on home.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosenz Ibitkant.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you, baby doll.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Giovanni]

All right, that was Adam Carla Show 789 with the great Ben Schwartz. Making his Adam Crilla show debut. He's been involved with a billion different projects, most notably now as the voice of Sonic the Hedgehog, the third movie now in theaters. He was also on the epic episode 1000, recorded from room 5 above Amalfi. That'll be air in tomorrow's Cruella classics. And our final clip today is from 2024. It's not even yet numbered. It's Steve Guttenberg on the Adam Carolla show last year. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, it's Adam Carolla from the Adam Carolla Show. Betonline is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting. From the earliest odds to in game live betting. Betonline provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they happen with the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA and championship boxing. All your betting needs in one place. Head to betonline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun. Make these games and these events and these combat sports a little more interesting with bet online. Bet online. The game starts here. The Adam Carolla show presents Steve Guttenberg's birthday cocktail party for August 24th. Let's see who's invited. Let's welcome Italian born American mafioso, the first head of the Gambino family, Carlo Gambino. Hey, it's Otis Campbell from the Andy Griffith Show. Hal Smith is here. Here's the guy who invented styrofoam. Ray McIntyre from the Chambers Brothers. Guitarist and vocalist Joe Chambers. Professional wrestling Pro promoter Vince McMahon is here. Actress Ann Archer joined the party. Here's politician Joe Manchin. NFL coach Mike Shanahan just walked in. English comedian and actor Stephen Fry is here. Politician Mike Huckabee is here. Cal Ripken Jr. Just joined the party. Let's welcome David Koechner, friend of the show. Dana Gould. Marlee Matlin just walked in. Reggie Miller's here. Here comes Dave Chappelle. Actor Chad Michael Murray is here. From the Harry Potter movies, it's Rupert Grint. And let's welcome the former chairman of the Palestinian Liberation Organization, Yasser Arafat. Steve Gutenberg is on the Adam Carolla show. Steve Gutenberg is here. Good to see my old friend Steve's done so many movies. Cocoon, Police Academy, Three Men and a Baby. One that I always short circuit. Of course, one of my favorites all time gets a little overlooked. Diner.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah. What a great picture.

[Adam Carolla]

Just a great picture and a springboard, a catapult launching point for some incredible names.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, yeah, we had.

[Adam Carolla]

They have them somewhere.

[Ben Schwartz]

Lucky group there.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait, look at the diner cast somewhere here, Chris. I think it's pretty. Oh, there it is. Sorry. Daniel Stern, Mickey Rourke, Kevin Bacon, Tim Daly, Ellen Barkin. Before you knew who any of these people were.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, that was really terrific. When you know, when you're starting out, everybody's ambitious and everybody's got a little something. But I don't think that you think, oh, we're all going to become. We're just looking for a job.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ben Schwartz]

And get paid and hopefully will something happen with it? I don't know. None of us knew what it was like to Have a picture released or be famous. But actually the only. The famous one was Kevin because he played a character, I forgot his name on a soap opera. He played a drunk and maybe his name was Tim or something. And we were at dinner one time somewhere and a lady came over and she came over to Kevin and said, you should be ashamed of yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

That's so fancy. The best. So I mean. And so Barry Levinson. It's a funny, small, interesting, smart movie. I mean, Diner is that I feel like some people missed. So avail yourself of diner. 92% with the critics on Rotten Tomatoes.

[Ben Schwartz]

And then it got voted by Vanity Fair as the top picture for the last 30 years.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, for the sort of the intelligentsia, people who are cinephiles, everybody who knows Moody. But in the big scheme, you know, in the Marvel universe, it's not gonna be making it. Make it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you, there's one thing I picked up from diner that was all over, that was always in the movie and that me and all my friends did after we saw Diner. And I recommend it when you go out to a diner and you order french fries, especially the kind of thicker ones, order a side of gravy, dark gravy, and dunk em in the gravy. Screw all you people with your ranch ketchup. Do the gravy that in diner. I was like, oh, we started doing that. We'd go to Dupars and we'd order fries, we'd order side of gravy. First off, they just give you a side of gravy. They don't argue with you, they just go, what's it for? You know, they just go, here's a gravy. Dunk it.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, I think it's a Baltimore thing.

[Adam Carolla]

It must be a Baltimore thing.

[Ben Schwartz]

Baltimore is a great city. Yeah, really great city.

[Adam Carolla]

You've been there, I've been to. I'm going to be at Timonium, which is outside of Baltimore, but goobies coming up. And we did go to Baltimore and I know you grew up, you did stand up early on, right?

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah. And actually I saw you were gonna be a governor's. I worked at Governor's when I was 16.

[Adam Carolla]

16. Doing standup, doing stand up.

[Ben Schwartz]

And I had a great beginning, great middle, terrible end. I just couldn't. I couldn't click the end of a joke. But there was also a place called the White House on Hicksville Road and Eddie Murphy and I think Jerry Seinfeld and a bunch of guys played there. And it was owned by, you'll remember this guy, Richard Dixon. Do you remember Richard Dixon? He was a Richard Nixon impersonator.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Ben Schwartz]

And he owned the White House Comedy Club on Hicksville Road.

[Adam Carolla]

So did you start off as a stand up?

[Ben Schwartz]

No, I started off when I was like 12 doing children's theater. And then I just would do any, you know, to try to get in front of an audience. And I always thought that stand up was great theater because it is theater. You get up there with a little script and you've got 20 minutes or one minute to sort of do your little show. So I think it's. I mean, it's a great. It's the bravest theater around. It's a one man show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I never thought of it, but yeah, it is sort of the ultimate theater.

[Ben Schwartz]

It is.

[Adam Carolla]

And if you would be in a play, then why wouldn't you do stand up?

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

If you treated it like a theatrical role.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's a script. It's not, you know, everyone thinks you get up there and you're just winging it, obviously.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right.

[Ben Schwartz]

You got material, you memorized it. And you got to know where the jokes are, you know, where the, you know, you can sort of play around, but you got to hit certain places. And it's. I would love to start doing it again. Because also what's great is let's say you're somewhere and you go, I want to go on stage. You walk up to some comedy club and you can do 15 minutes anytime you want.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's like, I want to go do some theater tonight. I can get up there and work.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the book I should tell people about, by the way, Thomas to Thank. And it's about you and your dad and you being a caregiver to him. At the end of his life, we figured out he was a police officer.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So he was kind of your hero growing up.

[Ben Schwartz]

Nypd, he was plain clothes undercover. He was uniform cop. He loved it.

[Adam Carolla]

So wait a minute. He first was uniform, then plain clothes.

[Ben Schwartz]

And then plain clothes.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ben Schwartz]

And they did undercover too. And Sonny Grasso was. Was his partner who was the brother of the character that Gene Hackman played in French Connection.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Ben Schwartz]

And so they were like, go, go guys. Really? Go, go guys. And at one point, my mom couldn't take it anymore and she asked my dad to stop. Stop. She said, I can't wait for you anymore to come home.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's too hard. So then uncle, her cousin Harvey had an electronics company, Sun Radio. And my dad was an electrical engineer from City College. So he Went into that. He was one of the first guys into semiconductors.

[Adam Carolla]

And how did you get into acting from that background?

[Ben Schwartz]

It was just coincidence. My parents good friend from Brooklyn, guy named Michael Bell, who went to high school, performing arts. He went out to California when he was 17 or 18 and he started acting and he was doing okay, pretty as well as an actual. But he was great as a voiceover guy. He became one of the top 10 voiceover guys in the. In the whole world. Paul Fries and those guys, Danny Dark. And in the 70s, he was making a fortune. So when he would come to New York, to Massapequa or to Flushing and visit us, he came in a Cadillac. He always had a beautiful girlfriend. And I said, somebody would say, what do you want to do? I'd say, what does he do?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Ben Schwartz]

And I just started. I went to a children's theater called the Oyster Bay Town of Oyster Bay Children's Theater, where we did Rapunzel and Snow White for schools for a couple of summers. And I liked it. And then I went to the city and started taking classes and it just started rolling. Sometimes I think if I had to do it again, I don't know if I would become an actor because it's a weird life. It's such a up and down life. But it just kept rolling and rolling. And then when I was 17, well, actually when I was 14, went out to visit Michael in Hollywood and oh my God, he lived in a beautiful house in the Valley. And he had a shrimp. He had an aquarium with a live shrimp in it.

[Adam Carolla]

A live shrimp? Yeah, it was so not even a sea monkey. A real live shrimp.

[Ben Schwartz]

This big, huge shrimp. So it was so exotic. And he had parties and he was doing voiceover. He would leave in the morning at 9:00 and probably do 10 sessions a day. And it was exciting and it just looked like a great life. So When I was 17, my parents let me go out to Hollywood again for two weeks, see if I could become a movie star. And I got a commercial. I got a Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial. And I was supposed to go to Albany State University, but my dad said, okay, you could stay a little longer, but you need to come back by the end of the summer to go.

[Adam Carolla]

To the KFC commercial. You're acting with the actual colonel.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, exactly. I was standing right next to him. Harlan was his name.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Ben Schwartz]

And it was exciting as hell. It was exciting.

[Adam Carolla]

And God, I'm trying to think. I mean, I wonder how much longer he lived after that.

[Ben Schwartz]

I think for a little while Because I remember seeing him in the paper and I ran into him one time at. In Florida somewhere and he was actually at. At Century Village where my grandmother lived in Boca Raton, Florida.

[Adam Carolla]

Like retirement.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, he was walking around. I think he was visiting a friend.

[Adam Carolla]

So you come out, you get a commercial. It's a national commercial. So there's some money there.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, a little bit. You know, they paid pretty good actually.

[Adam Carolla]

And you got like a little taste, you know, of success pretty fast. Right, but then when does. What's first. Is diner the first big thing for you?

[Ben Schwartz]

No, I did a picture I saw Winning. You have winning out there?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I was looking at something on him, but keep going. Boys from Brazil.

[Ben Schwartz]

Well, no, it was called Roller Coaster. It was directed by the same director, James Goldstone, who directed Winning.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. With Paul Newman.

[Ben Schwartz]

Paul Newman. And. And I actually was looking at the car out there. It really blew my mind. So I did this little part, actually. Helen Hunt was in it too.

[Adam Carolla]

Roller Coaster was a thriller about a roller coaster that had a bomb in it or something and it was gonna go off and they had to. I don't know why they came up with this as a premise, but there used to be Earthquake and Towering Inferno and Poseidon Adventure with Irwin Allen.

[Ben Schwartz]

They do these big sense around.

[Adam Carolla]

Sense around things at the Cinerama Dome, you know. But yeah, Roller Coaster was a 70s action thriller, whatever. Rick Widmark and somebody planted a bomb on the roller coaster.

[Ben Schwartz]

Timothy Bottoms.

[Adam Carolla]

And who were you in this movie?

[Ben Schwartz]

I was a guy who had one line. I came into a scene with Widmark and. And Siegel and Harry Guardino and they're in the bottom of the amusement park trying to figure out where's the bomb. And I. They need the plans.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ben Schwartz]

And I come in with the plans and I say, here I got. But the park is huge. Or something like that. Here are the plans. And that was my.

[Adam Carolla]

Was that before. Before the boys and boys in Brazil? That was Lawrence Olivier and Gregory Peck.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, that was when I went. I actually stayed out here for a year. I did a little movie with Phil Silvers, a teenage movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Ben Schwartz]

And I got a bunch of commercials. But at the end of the year, I did not. I didn't like it. I was. I didn't like the culture. I felt like a fish out of water. I couldn't make any friends and I quit and I went back to Albany State and I wanted to start school and become a normal person and get a profession and just get a job and live a normal life. And my Agent called me about five months into my semester there, said, I got an audition for Boys from Brazil. I want you to go to the city. And I said, I don't want to be an actor anymore. I said, just go there and see. And I went there and I got the part and I. I took it and I went to Portugal and I.

[Adam Carolla]

Did the picture that was a big film back in the mid. Later 70s.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah. 79.

[Adam Carolla]

79.

[Ben Schwartz]

Wait, no, sorry. 77.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Felt even earlier than. Than that. And Lawrence Olivier, you could say you acted pretty fantastic.

[Ben Schwartz]

And he was a. You. You had a regular point of view. Everyone called him Larry, Larry, Larry.

[Adam Carolla]

I called Lawrence Olivier Larry, Larry.

[Ben Schwartz]

And he was so good to me. He knew I was uncomfortable at times, and he had a big entourage and let me hang out with him and go to dinner with him and go to his house and he'd have dinner parties. He was quite fantastic. He was not well, so he had to have. He had trouble getting around, but it was pretty terrific.

[Adam Carolla]

It was right at the end for him.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Or one of his last movies.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So how did then Diner come about?

[Ben Schwartz]

Diner came about. I went back, I went out to California. I did a small television series, and then I did a movie called players with Ali McGraw Dean, Paul Martin about tennis. And I got an audition for a movie called Diner. Just an audition went in there, and there was Barry, and he was auditioning a bunch of young actors. And it was Jerry Weintraub's office, the big producer still on Wilshire Boulevard. I think it's 8744 Wilshire Boulevard. And I remember going in there, we're going up there and there's Barry, and he says, look, why don't you read this? I read it. He said, yeah, yeah, this is good. This is good. And we might have, like a screen test and have a few guys screen test with you. I go, okay, so who screen tested with me was John Doe from the group X. Do you remember X?

[Adam Carolla]

What? We just brought up John Doe earlier in the show. John Doe, the guitar player from the band X. Underrated band.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And also a band that I knew very well because I grew up out here. And when I talked to my friends that were from Boston or something, I'd go, x. And they go, I don't know what you're talking about. The band. And I go, I don't know. And I realized they were very big here. LA band. Xene, she was a total bitch.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, was she?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Exene, sir. Banka was the lead singer of X, who I interviewed years later on Loveline on kroc, and I hated her. But John Doe.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, he auditioned as a teenage Mickey's part.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Mickey Rourke's part. That makes sense. I mean, he must. This is pre X, though.

[Ben Schwartz]

I think he was in X at the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he was. Oh, yeah, yeah. Early 81, something like that. Yeah. Okay.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah. And. And we did the audition, I went home and a couple days later my agent called and said he got the part. And that was. It was pretty unglamorous. And that was it.

[Adam Carolla]

And did you know how good the material was while you were doing it?

[Ben Schwartz]

I did, I did. You know, sometimes you read stuff and you go, this is good.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a great gag or hook or through line or whatever in that movie, which is. Your character is a Colts fan, right? An insane Baltimore Colts fan back when they were in Baltimore and he's getting married. But the only way he would get married is if his new fiance could pass a Baltimore Colts a. A trivia. She had to have deep cult knowledge, otherwise the marriage was off. She was like studying all this cult stuff from the 50s and 60s. It was just funny. It was like a through line all the way through her cramming cults trivia.

[Ben Schwartz]

And you never see her.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's right. That's right.

[Ben Schwartz]

You never just hear her. And they're all sitting in the basement and they're in another, I guess in another room in the basement, the two of us, and they're listening to the question, who is Alan Amici?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. I know this one.

[Ben Schwartz]

I know this one.

[Adam Carolla]

It's so good. And. And Mickey Rourke is young, sort of pretty. Mickey. Yeah, Rourke. Not. Not buff, you know, weird Mickey Rourke. And everyone was so young and it was. But it was really smart, really funny.

[Ben Schwartz]

People should.

[Adam Carolla]

Should definitely get involved.

[Ben Schwartz]

We were all competitive in a friendly way. It was a great way to be competitive. We all were rooting for each other to be great in the scene, but we were also trying to steal it.

[Adam Carolla]

And then Police Academy. Who could have guessed? I mean, did you go into that going, this is going to be huge and we're going to 10 of these.

[Ben Schwartz]

I didn't have an inkling about box office, but I read it and thought, this is going to remind me of a cross between officer and a gentleman and stripes. And it just. That's what it hit me. And I thought, this. I would go to this. This is a great one. So I really wanted it. And I went in and auditioned and had a screen test with. And I wore My father's police academy shirt.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wow.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, his real shirt. And I remember the director said, did you make that shirt? I go, no, no, it's my dad's shirt. And the guy who was auditioning against me, who was great, could sing, could dance, he was funny, he was unbelievable. He was good looking. And he did his audition. And I'm sitting outside listening to him and the crew was laughing and having a ball and clapping and. And just unbelievable. He walks off camera goes, good luck, thanks a lot. I go in there and nothing. They used it all up for him. No laughing, no clapping, nothing. It was like a pin drop. And I got done with my audition and I thought the guy got it because he was. He could. This guy was really talented. So I got out of there and the next day my agent called and said, you got it. I couldn't believe it.

[Adam Carolla]

Who was that guy? Do you remember? I do.

[Ben Schwartz]

I'll say off the air.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I do have. I do have some of the actors that, you know, I know people have. Are very nice and Steve's very nice. But I think when you say a guy hit it out of the ballpark, but he didn't get the spot, that's not exactly you talking smack about the guy. I mean, you said he crushed it.

[Ben Schwartz]

He crushed it.

[Adam Carolla]

And he's good looking, good looking. And he could sing and dance. That's a compliment to say the name of the actor.

[Ben Schwartz]

And he could act.

[Adam Carolla]

He could act. He was a great dad.

[Ben Schwartz]

A giant hit. A. Who's that great director who did 48, who did trading Places?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, cool.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, he's fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, give us some, give us some examples. John Landis.

[Ben Schwartz]

John Landis. So he directed a movie with this guy starring in that movie Ghostbusters. No, that's Harold Ramos.

[Adam Carolla]

That's all right. Who, who.

[Ben Schwartz]

Ivan Reitman directed that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Here are the people that. Well, according to the Wikipedia.

[Ben Schwartz]

That were.

[Adam Carolla]

That were considered for Carrie Mc Mahoney.

[Ben Schwartz]

Right. Michael Keaton, who turned it down? He actually, they offered it to him.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he turned it down, all right. You can say that. Judge Reinhold.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, he was up for it. He didn't screen test. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

But yeah, Tom Hanks.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, it was between that and Splanks.

[Adam Carolla]

Bruce Willis.

[Ben Schwartz]

Bruce Willis. No, no, the guy's not on the list.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Ben Schwartz]

The guy was in it. So John Landis did this movie. Who that sort of a horror movie movie, huh? Horror movie in London.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that guy, the Dr. Pepper guy. That's the guy. God, I gotta think of his name wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?

[Ben Schwartz]

Incredibly talented, yes, super talented.

[Adam Carolla]

He was a kind of Broadway guy.

[Ben Schwartz]

Broadway guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Good looking.

[Ben Schwartz]

Good looking.

[Adam Carolla]

Could sing, dance act, did Dr. Pepper commercials.

[Ben Schwartz]

Fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

And American Werewolf in London.

[Ben Schwartz]

You got it. You know his name?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and his name has been brought up before. What is it?

[Ben Schwartz]

David. David Naughton.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, David Naughton. David Naughton. Yeah. All right. Well, he landed on his feet.

[Ben Schwartz]

He sure did. He's super talented guy.

[Adam Carolla]

And as you did as well now, last time I saw you, or one of the last times I saw you, Dancing with the Stars.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, gee, no, I saw you at your. At maybe the premiere of your movie or one of the movies we went to.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I'm sure.

[Ben Schwartz]

Or maybe do some.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just taking it back to Dancing with the Stars. I think you went right before I went. I thought, by the way, Steve invited everyone to his home, had a lovely barbecue, was very sweet. I mean, I don't know that they're nice guys in Hollywood like you anymore. And I don't know, you seem to have. Judging from your book and your dad being your hero and being as dedicated to him, it seems like he must have passed down some gratitude or something, or you have gratitude from somewhere that a lot don't have.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, my mom and dad are pretty special people. My dad was really cool. He was a cool guy and really smart and he was able to sort of discern through the muck. He could always see the good through the. He was a great disciplinarian. I would screw up all the time. He would just bring me upstairs, sit me on the bed and say, stephen, what's wrong with you? I would say, I don't know. He goes, don't do that again. He was. He was. He was funny. He liked to tell stories and he had a great appreciation for everything. And I tell you what my father did, he could listen when you would talk to him, you. You know, they always say, you know, when you meet somebody, they always act. You feel like you're the only person. Person in the room. He actually really was listening to you. And he was. Eyebrows would go up and his eyes would glisten and he'd smile and he would hear what you're saying all the time. And he would just say. He would always say, just enjoy life. Enjoy life. It's a good life. Enjoy it. You know, So I kind of try to with enjoying it. I try to appreciate it and be a nice person, you know, what happened, I mean, when I first came out of California, la, I Think it was a friendlier place. I don't think LA is as friendly anymore. Yeah, but, you know, there's a real. There's a real community of the world that we need to say good morning to people. We need to say hello. We need to show people that there's nothing to be afraid of. You know, a strange. A friend is a stranger first, before you meet him. You know, you meet a guy, you don't know him, and then 10 years later, you're best friends. You know, you have to. You have to be nice. Being nice is a good thing.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I agree. I mean, we should all start with a wave policy.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? I walk around, I do it. I walk down this back street. There's all these guys who work at this factory. They're always going. I say, ola, but walk by, just give them the wave. You know what I mean? Give them the wave. There's one thing about Malibu. When I'm in Malibu, halftime. And you walk around the streets of Malibu, people drive by, like the side, they give you the wave. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, give the wave. That's all I'm saying.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's great. I'm gonna take that up, too.

[Adam Carolla]

If everybody just implemented the wave.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Just that you don't have to love your neighbor. You don't have to wash his feet. You don't have to pick up his dog's poo. You don't have to do anything. Just a wave policy. Just walk down the street and pass them and give them the wave.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Who doesn't like that? I like the wave. I like giving the wave. I like receiving the wave. I like returning the wave.

[Ben Schwartz]

Car also car.

[Adam Carolla]

Way in Malibu, people in their car when you're walking up their side street, when they're coming past you in their obnoxious G wagon. Mercedes.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They give the wife. You got to give the wife.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So your dad made you nice.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And appreciate things.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, he's a sweet. He was a sweet. A tough guy and a sweet guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That's what. That's what people want. And what was his reaction when you.

[Ben Schwartz]

Decided to take a break from acting.

[Adam Carolla]

And be his caregiver?

[Ben Schwartz]

He didn't like it. You know, he really always said, I want you to get back into it, but I just wanted to be with him. I knew how important it was. And I think I knew. I guess I didn't want to admit it even. It's hard for me to say that. I admitted that I thought he was dying. And I Didn't want to admit. And I would never say to anybody, my dad's dying. I would say he's good, he's doing great, he's going okay. But I think I knew that he was gonna leave and I wanted every second with him.

[Adam Carolla]

How long were you with him?

[Ben Schwartz]

Well, we have four years.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Ben Schwartz]

Total, maybe five. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you move back out?

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, we were living in New York and moved out to. I was gonna move to Phoenix where he was living with my sister. And so we. But we already had a house in la, so we moved to la. And then I would leave on Monday morning, about three in the morning, drive out to. Takes about six hours that early to get to Phoenix and take him to dialysis. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday with my sister and then Thursday, drive back to LA and then do it again on Monday.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Ben Schwartz]

And then I wanted to be with him. You know, it was when he had coal black eyes, he was so sweet. And when I would walk in in the morning, like 8:30 or 9:00 to take him, you know, he's one of these guys who's so honest, he'd go, hi, you're here, you're here. It was so wonderful. You know, you don't get that very. You don't get that celebration very often.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Unless if you have a dog, maybe a dog will do that. People, people like that with a dog that come in and the dog's wagging his tail like home. Yeah, here we go.

[Ben Schwartz]

But I try to do that with people. I try to remember, hey, and you know what? It's not corny, it's not goofy. It's fun to see someone, you know, go, hey, give a bigger than life thing, you know, it just, just really makes you feel good.

[Adam Carolla]

You do you have kids yourself?

[Ben Schwartz]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

That seems so. I don't want to choose the right word. Yeah, no, what I'm saying is it seems counterintuitive to me. I do meet people that don't like their parents and come from a bad place and then they go, no kids, not gonna do it. But you seem like the number one candidate to have kids.

[Ben Schwartz]

I hope I do one day. I know it's, you know, I mean, I could be an old dad, but I, I just never did, you know, it didn't work out.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you ever get married? Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah. Been married twice.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you married now?

[Ben Schwartz]

Right now, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And kids and we talk about it.

[Ben Schwartz]

But nothing really, you know, it's. We were before we married, we said, you know, maybe we won't have Kids. And then later on we were talking about it, but it just hasn't worked out. But I do miss that. I do miss a home with kids in it.

[Adam Carolla]

I would think that you would be toward the top of my list for dad material.

[Ben Schwartz]

Thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

Unless there's some weird dark side that I'm unaware of, but I think I would have sussed it. Out. Out.

[Ben Schwartz]

I'm not going to show you my underwear by now.

[Adam Carolla]

The Dark side of Gutenberg. But I. I just. If anything, just to show them all the old funny movies when they get to a certain age that I thought I was gonna do with my kids, but they don't give a but, you know, or the episodes of Dancing with the Stars or what have you, which they're, by the way, not interested in anything you've done before, you know, lately.

[Ben Schwartz]

Interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It doesn't exist.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe that's why he's so at peace. He hasn't been chopped down to size. Yeah. He hasn't had the rug of life pulled out from underneath him like I have. Well, let me give Steve a plug. Time to thank. And it's caregiving for my hero. It's available wherever you find books. May 21 is when it is out. It's always good to catch up with you, Steve. Cause I have such a fond thought when I think of Gutenberg, which is good. Which is what you should. When people go, oh, what about this person? I go, gutenberg. So nice. Such a nice guy that people should say that. And maybe, maybe it starts with a wave.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's a little wave. Hi.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a little wave. You want to try one?

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, let's do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Steve.

[Ben Schwartz]

Hey, what's up, Adam?

[Adam Carolla]

How you doing? Hey, Chris.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, hey, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, good, Steve. Good. It's like being in Barbie world.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, Little Addy world.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Netflix is a joke. That'll be tonight. Leno's going to be there, and Jay Moore is going to be there. And who else is going to. Rob Schneider's going to be there, and I'm going to be there. Just go to AdamCroll.com and find those tickets over at Jimmy's theater after that. Tickets available. Steve, great to see you, my friend.

[Ben Schwartz]

You too, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

And until next time, Adam Krolfer, Steve Guttenberg and Paul Versey. And Chris Rex, Fatase and Mahala.

[Giovanni]

All right, that does it for today's Crawl classics. Until next Time Hollow and Get it on.