Stone Cold Steve Austin & David Wild (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – Episode: Stone Cold Steve Austin & David Wilde (Carolla Classics) Release Date: May 26, 2025

---

Introduction

In this episode of The Adam Carolla Show, recorded live in Los Angeles, host Adam Carolla welcomes special guests Stone Cold Steve Austin, the iconic professional wrestler, and David Wilde, a comedian and writer. The trio engages in their signature blend of humor, candid discussions, and sharp critiques on various topics ranging from pop culture to everyday annoyances.

---

I. Funny Anecdotes and Fart Stories

Timestamp: 02:21 – 04:43

The show kicks off with lighthearted banter, where Adam introduces humorous Public Service Announcements (PSAs) for Stone Cold Steve Austin. The conversation quickly shifts to personal anecdotes about house dynamics and the frustrations of modern life.

Adam Carolla shares a relatable story about dealing with house staff and the awkwardness of personal moments being interrupted:

"[04:04] Adam Carolla: And so last week on Friday, I'm standing at my sink just rinsing out a coffee mug in my bathrobe and I'm just letting that I have not intentionally farted in nine hours..."

David Wilde adds his humorous take on the situation:

"[04:31] David Wilde: Like you're making up for lost time."

This segment showcases the hosts' ability to find humor in mundane household scenarios, setting a relaxed and entertaining tone for the episode.

---

II. The "Best Pies" Segment: Huffington Post Pie Rankings

Timestamp: 12:00 – 20:18

One of the standout segments features David Wilde presenting a pie ranking list from the Huffington Post, which the hosts vehemently critique. The list humorously ranks various pies, sparking a lively debate about traditional versus unconventional flavors.

Adam Carolla expresses strong disapproval of the rankings, particularly taking issue with "chocolate pie" being placed higher than classics like apple or pumpkin pie:

"[17:02] Adam Carolla: I don't know that's my reaction when it's in season and it's done by Marie Callenders and you put tons of whipped cream on it. It's pretty good, but it's not better than pumpkin pie."

Bald Brian adds his perspective, further intensifying the discussion:

"[18:25] Bald Brian: Un American."

The conversation escalates into a humorous and exaggerated condemnation of the Huffington Post's pie list, highlighting the hosts' passion for traditional desserts and their knack for comedic exaggeration.

---

III. Music Discussion: Tom Petty and Butch Walker

Timestamp: 25:03 – 26:49

Transitioning from food debates, the hosts delve into a discussion about music, specifically focusing on Tom Petty and Butch Walker.

Bald Brian recommends Butch Walker's song "Weight of Her," praising it as the best Tom Petty-esque song without Petty's direct involvement:

"[25:42] Bald Brian: ...a song called Weight of Her, and it has that great heartbreaker sound. And I played it the other day and I said, this is the best Petty song."

Adam Carolla humorously downplays his own musical preferences:

"[25:51] Adam Carolla: But it's the best song that Tom Petty, best Tom Petty song that Tom Petty had nothing to do with a."

The segment reflects the hosts' appreciation for classic rock influences while showcasing their playful rivalry in music tastes.

---

IV. Food Debates: Baby Corn vs. Avocado

Timestamp: 63:03 – 69:01

The conversation takes another culinary turn as the hosts debate the merits of baby corn versus avocado, bringing their trademark humor to the forefront.

David Wilde defends baby corn, expressing his fondness despite its non-traditional status:

"[66:57] David Wilde: I do like it. And look at everyone with their heads down. How do you hate people in the other room? Do you all hate baby corn too?"

Adam Carolla counters vehemently, disparaging baby corn with colorful language:

"[65:06] Adam Carolla: Let me try to think of a. Danny Ainge is the best player to ever put on tennis shoes and play in the NBA. ... Bake your ass. ... It has to be a scam."

The debate exemplifies the hosts' ability to turn simple topics into extended comedic exchanges, engaging listeners with their contrasting viewpoints.

---

V. Driving Etiquette: Speed Bumps and Cushion Drivers

Timestamp: 84:04 – 90:34

Shifting gears, the discussion moves to driving frustrations, particularly focusing on speed bumps and overly cautious drivers, referred to humorously as "cushion drivers."

Adam Carolla shares his disdain for speed bumps and the rules governing safe driving distances:

"[88:00] Adam Carolla: ...speed bumps. They put them down residential streets. ... they're something to slow our shit down."

Stone Cold Steve Austin adds his take on overly cautious drivers who impede traffic flow:

"[89:23] Adam Carolla: ...It should be the end of it. ... Stone Cold served that."

The exchange highlights common commuting frustrations, presented with the hosts' signature comedic flair.

---

VI. Current Events: Afghan War Talks and NSA Surveillance

Timestamp: 60:09 – 85:00

The hosts touch upon serious topics, including the Afghan War and NSA surveillance, blending their humorous approach with critical commentary.

Adam Carolla discusses the prolonged conflict in Afghanistan, expressing skepticism about its resolution:

"[60:09] Adam Carolla: ...this whole Cold War thing's gonna be over pretty soon and Berlin Walls coming. Not so fast."

The conversation deepens as they explore themes of governmental surveillance and personal privacy:

"[82:42] Adam Carolla: ...he said this innocuous thing about, you know, Amanda should do what Amanda wants..."

Their insights provide a satirical yet thought-provoking perspective on ongoing global and domestic issues.

---

VII. Personal Stories and Closing Remarks

Timestamp: 85:00 – End

As the show nears its end, the hosts share personal anecdotes and engage in playful banter about various topics, including pet peeves and family dynamics.

Adam Carolla recounts a humorous incident involving his children attempting to help clean his truck, paralleling it with government overreach:

"[86:06] Adam Carolla: ...they were trying to help daddy clean his truck. When the government starts fucking with its citizens, giving out, you know..."

Stone Cold Steve Austin delivers another PSA, humorously addressing irresponsible behaviors:

"[90:12] Stone Cold Steve Austin: ...haul ass, try to be safe."

The episode concludes with the trio maintaining their comedic rapport, leaving listeners entertained and engaged.

---

Notable Quotes

• Adam Carolla (04:04):

  "I have not intentionally farted in nine hours."

• David Wilde (12:00):

  "These are the best pies. Yeah."

• Bald Brian (18:25):

  "Un American."

• Adam Carolla (17:02):

  "But the way the acoustics of the Bedspread King is just awesome."

• Stone Cold Steve Austin (35:31):

  "It's your fault for being so good."

---

Conclusion

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show is a blend of humorous storytelling, sharp critiques, and candid discussions. With guests like Stone Cold Steve Austin and David Wilde, the conversation ranges from lighthearted topics like pie rankings and pet peeves to more serious issues like international conflicts and surveillance. The show's dynamic interplay and witty exchanges make it a compelling listen for both longtime fans and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Rakuten is the smartest way to save money when you shop because you earn cash back at over 3,500 stores. Fashion, beauty, electronics, home essentials, travel, dining, concert tickets and more. Your favorite stores like Lowe's, Levi's and Nike. Pay Rakuten to send them shoppers and Rackuten then passes on a part of that payment to its members as cash back. You're already shopping at your favorite stores. Why not save while you're doing it? It's a no brainer. Membership is free and easy to sign up. Get the Rakuten app now and join the 17 million members who are already saving. Cashback rates change daily. See rakuten.com for details. That's R A K U T E N. Your cash back really adds up. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying. No judgments. But that's weird. Okay, one judgment anyway. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment.

[Bald Brian]

Of $45 for three month plan equivalent.

[Allison Rosen]

To $15 per month required Intro rate.

[Adam Carolla]

First three months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full [e-mail] hey kitties. Welcome to the show. You're watching live on the video podcast network. Tonight's guests, David Wilde and his doppelganger Stone Cold Steve Austin. Subscribe to all our [e-mail] adam and away we go from fabulous Los Angeles, California. Hollywood, home of the stars, the magic factory where dreams come true. Culture capital of the world, Jewel of the Pacific. It's the Adam Carolla show. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate. Get it on. Welcome to the program. Welcome David Wild.

[Bald Brian]

They call me Stone Cold Creamery Ace.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, Stone Cold Steve Austin coming in and I have some PSAs for him to read. I don't know if we have his last one. Maybe Brian or somebody can find that. But I came up with some for him to rattle off, so that ought to be fun. Allison Rosen, Good to see you. Adam Carolla, Bald Brian. I want funkin cabbage.

[Allison Rosen]

Jason Dixon wants that for top drop.

[Adam Carolla]

Do want some cabbage? It's missing in my life. I used to order meals with cabbage. Grandpa used to make things with cabbage. There's no more cabbage anymore.

[David Wilde]

The best part or the worst part is how it smells when you're Cooking it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[David Wilde]

Like farts.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And speaking of farts. Oh, Jesus Christ. And I've said this many times growing up, how I grew up. I was never prepared for my life now in that my life growing up was my mom never leaving her room and everyone just sitting around the house, sort of looking for a place to die, like an old animal. And now it's people in and out of the house. It's nannies and tutors and essentially strangers. People you don't know. And the only relationship you have with them is you pay them and they do something to your kids. I'm gonna complain about that in a second.

[Allison Rosen]

But anyway, foreshadowing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, sorry about that. So, David Wilde, do you know what song that is?

[Bald Brian]

Don't Come Around Here Anymore by Tom Petty.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Scary. You didn't even know it.

[Bald Brian]

Produced by Dave Stewart. Who you blame for it?

[Adam Carolla]

I do, I do.

[Bald Brian]

I read your tweets, man.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so there's people in and out the house. And it's like the maid comes on Friday and she comes anywhere between 8:30 and 9 and you just have this person sort of in, you know? And it's weird sometimes when everyone is gone and I'm just around the house and she's just around the house and Friday's my sort of sleep in day, and I might get up as she's walking in the door and I'm in that bathrobe and a little morning wood gassy. This is that time. Just. I'm in no mood. I want to put my face on, you know?

[David Wilde]

You know what I'm saying, girlfriend?

[Adam Carolla]

And so last week on Friday, I'm standing at my sink just rinsing out a coffee mug in my bathrobe and I'm just letting that I have not intentionally farted in nine hours. Sort of fart go. Not angry fart, not we ate Mexican fart, but the fart that says I've not tried to expel anything from myself in some time.

[David Wilde]

Like you're making up for lost time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Like, I'm sure a little slips out during the course of the rem, But I'm talking about not with the fist pump and the, you know, like.

[David Wilde]

You'Re shifting out of neutral.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. Yeah. I'm thinking more Kirk Gibson rounding the bases after hitting in the home run at Dodger Stadium. Fist pump.

[Allison Rosen]

That's like Dennis Eckersley shaking her head, walking around.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. I'm standing at the sink with my back to the front door. When your front door opens, you just sort of see the sink. And I'm back, and I'm just letting a couple go. And as the door's opening, it's just middle fart. And you know, you can't unring a bell, and you can't unring an ass. You cannot get that fart back into the bar, as grandpa used to say. So she's just walking into a course of my farting at the sink. And fine, I'm in my bathrobe, and it's that kind of thing where she's not gonna acknowledge it, I'm not gonna acknowledge it. It's fine. It'll be our little secret. And then I pour myself a cup of coffee and. And then I head upstairs and I plop down in front of the computer. And now it's time for fart round number two. Because now I got a cup of coffee, and now it's the second round where now I'm awake, I got a half a cup of joe in me, and things are percolating a little bit down there.

[David Wilde]

They're brewing.

[Adam Carolla]

The first one was just kind of a blow off, you know, I hadn't done any real active farting.

[David Wilde]

I was bleeding the valve.

[Adam Carolla]

I was bleeding off some gas at the beginning. But this one is now. All right, I'm pushing a little bit. I've had some coffees of primer. Now I'm sitting at my desk.

[Bald Brian]

You came to fart.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm in my office. I'm letting the world know that I've showed up to fart. And as I'm in my office, I'm letting the next one go. It's been a full seven minutes at this point as she bursts into the office doing this move, by the way, the knock with the door flying open. I. I would like to examine the reason. Let's really just focus on what a knock is attempting to accomplish. If you're gonna fling the door open as you're knocking.

[David Wilde]

No, the knock says, hey, put your pants on. Hey, stop farting.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[David Wilde]

Hey, take your finger out of your nose.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Hey, guy alone in his house, sitting in front of his computer. Maybe you just don't want to go flying. Flying in while he's in his bathrobe. But that knock, it's sort of like people do it on bathroom stall doors where they do the knock and the push and it's like, what kind of reaction time you think I have here if I was sitting upon this toilet mid shit, and don't you want to know the answer to my knock? Wouldn't you like to hear Me go excuse you. Or hear nothing at all.

[David Wilde]

This is much for the knocker as the knockee, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So six and a half to seven minutes later, she's walking, she's pushing the door open, knocking as more gas is flying out of me. And I just thought, what? I don't know what. I don't know what. I know what. I brought this upon myself. I don't know what to do about it.

[Allison Rosen]

Dear Pulitzer committee, please accept this submission on behalf of the Adam Kroll Show.

[Adam Carolla]

Please.

[Bald Brian]

Does this woman realize that you're the hardest working man in show business, or does she think you're a guy who just sitting around the house? Because this is the irony. You are the hardest working man in show business. And yet I bet she thinks of you as a guy in a robe hanging around farting.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the only time she sees me. I think Friday's probably my least busy day, and it's my gassiest for sure. And she catches me, robe time, just standing around. She must. She must look around and be confused. How did he amass this small fortune just sitting and farting? He must have his asshole hooked up to some sort of generator or something where he gets a dollar for every fart.

[David Wilde]

But there is a phenomenon where you will repeatedly meet a certain person and do some embarrassing thing over and over in front of that person. Like, you don't fart in front of every single person, and yet you will. Now I feel like you're only gonna ever fart in front of her.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's our relationship. Well, it's weird. And as far as our brains go, we don't have a lot of room to process everything. But it's like Phil Rosenthal and I were speaking the other day. I was like, how is it you're not fat? All you do is drink red wine and eat pizza. Eat gourmet pizza and your socks. And he's like, that's just. When you come to my house on Sunday night for movie night, you don't see me at noon on Wednesday when I'm on a treadmill.

[Bald Brian]

It's a great answer. It's not completely true. Being. I mean, he has a lunch every day, you know, and he likes to go out. I don't know how he does it. I've been around him.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, oh, yeah. I mean, he has a metabolism.

[Bald Brian]

He is a good metabolism.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Bastard.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The one Jewish Jew.

[Bald Brian]

Bastard. I should be more specific.

[Adam Carolla]

So that was the fart is my farting episode. And again, the knocking and entering. It's what you here's it's what you.

[Bald Brian]

Do prefer breaking and entering.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, your young son Alec is with you, is he not?

[Bald Brian]

He is indeed. Now it's like a son to me.

[Adam Carolla]

He's. He's what, 13, 14? What is he?

[Bald Brian]

Yes. 13.

[Adam Carolla]

13. Now, Bar Mitzvah, brace yourself because I.

[David Wilde]

Know where this one's going.

[Adam Carolla]

As, as a young lad dying to see a booby, now he sees boobies everywhere. His mobile devices with boobies on them. But as a young boy wanting to steal a glimpse of a booby, if like your sister's friends were in the dressing room at somebody's house who had a pool, not the Corolla's, obviously you would do a move where you might fling open the dressing room or. And go, is anybody in it? Just to see if you could grab. Yeah. Oops are. And the thing where you're looking the whole time while you're backing up. Sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry. You're not turning away. It's what you would do if you're. If intentionally trying to catch someone's boob or fart.

[Bald Brian]

Yes, he said a few of those restraining orders are already in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he doesn't need to search around. Oh, by the way, we have Stone Cold Steve Austin. I think this was on carrying knives on an airplane. We have his piece.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

All right, this is Stone Cold Steve Austin and it's a fucked up world we're living in and people are doing some really bad shit. The TSA is about to start allowing pocket knives and horseshit that's under two and three quarters of an inch back on the airlines. So make sure that when you're packing up with your loved ones that you're packing a blade just like every other sick sorry motherfucker that's about to get on the same flight as you. This is Stone Cold Steve Austin. Have a good flight.

[David Wilde]

Really moving.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Bald Brian]

I laughed and I cried.

[Adam Carolla]

I have a few lined up for Stone Cold so we'll get to that in a second.

[Dawson]

Stream all the movies and shows you love for free on Pluto tv.

[Allison Rosen]

Say Wedna.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Showtime.

[Dawson]

That means drama is free with heart wrenching stories from love and basketball power. And Greenleaf.

[Adam Carolla]

In this family we live by the.

[Dawson]

Spirit and laughter is free with gut busting comedies like Key and Peele. The neighborhood Everybody Hates, Chris and Boomerang. Watch all the hits all for free from all your favorite devices.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God, I love it.

[Dawson]

Feel the free Pluto TV stream now pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, David Wilde here. Stone Cold Steve Austin coming in in a couple few. I Had some other stuff I wanted. Oh, yes, the pie. Did Gary give you that?

[David Wilde]

He gave this.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone tweeted me from the Huffington Post. Right. People tweet me things that annoy me, but it's fine. It turns into content for the show. It's the best pies in order. This is the best pies.

[David Wilde]

That's what someone here has decided. These are the best pies. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now here's the thing. No one here ever has to read the Huffington Post again. I know you contribute on occasion, David Wilde, but I'm sorry.

[Bald Brian]

Not after this whole pie mess.

[Adam Carolla]

It's you sitting around with an earnest face saying that. Let me try to think of a. Danny Ainge is the best player to ever put on tennis shoes and play in the NBA. You hear me, Brian? Danny a man. Oh, yeah, he would. But it's. And me with just. And you can bring up Wilt Chamberlain, you can bring up Michael Jordan or Larry Bird.

[David Wilde]

And I just think.

[Adam Carolla]

Danny Ainge the best. The best. And now. Now the good news is, is when I bring up basketball or anything else, you never have to listen to me again. Because clearly I'm insane.

[Allison Rosen]

He's not even the best player GM to ever play.

[Adam Carolla]

Clearly I'm insane. And that's what's going on with the Huffington Post.

[Bald Brian]

Can I hear about what the top ranked.

[Adam Carolla]

But you no longer to listen to him for anything on any topic in any matter. Here it is.

[David Wilde]

But my column on Huffington Post today. Read that and then shut it off.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, and then shut it off.

[Bald Brian]

I very much enjoy Allison's writing on.

[David Wilde]

Thank you very much.

[Adam Carolla]

Great writer.

[David Wilde]

Thank you. Well, they have. They have 20. You want me to go all 20?

[Adam Carolla]

Barrel through.

[David Wilde]

All right, number 20. Oreo pie.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, first off, that's a kind of video. That's not a pie.

[Allison Rosen]

Oreo pie.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not even a pie. Look, you got a fucking. Okay, fine. Moving on. Moving on.

[David Wilde]

19. Grasshopper pie.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what that is, but I guess it's mint something.

[David Wilde]

I think so. Which means I can't get on board.

[Adam Carolla]

Just go top eight. They should have just gone top ten, but go ahead.

[David Wilde]

18.

[Bald Brian]

Ultrabook is next, right?

[David Wilde]

18. Lemon meringue pie.

[Adam Carolla]

Lemon meringue is a great pie.

[David Wilde]

It should be higher than 18.

[Adam Carolla]

Should not be 18 or lower in this case. Yeah.

[David Wilde]

17. Mississippi mud piece.

[Bald Brian]

You show a little respect. That's not bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Another rental. Go ahead.

[David Wilde]

Well, I've never had that. Just mud pie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[David Wilde]

16. Banana cream pie.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. Should be ranked much higher or lower on the list. Yes.

[Bald Brian]

Number one, in my opinion.

[David Wilde]

Fifteen. Really? Shaker pie.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what shaker pie is. I've had Quaker pie. Never had Shaker pie.

[David Wilde]

You've really had Quaker pie?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I have no idea what that is. I made that up.

[David Wilde]

14, pecan pie.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, good. These are all good pies.

[David Wilde]

Thirteen, pumpkin pie.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, but pumpkin does not crack the top 10. That's already. Your pie list is null and void. But continue pieing the style.

[Bald Brian]

Didn't you have a little Quaker pie when you were on the college tour in Pennsylvania? Yeah, little Quaker pie.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good. We'll edit that out.

[David Wilde]

Number 12, when you're riding home with.

[Adam Carolla]

Alec and you start talking, did you just turn up the radio very slowly saying, just reach over?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I love this song.

[Adam Carolla]

Turn it up. It's commercial.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, good.

[Bald Brian]

Steve Miller.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. But the way the. The acoustics of the Bedspread King is just awesome.

[Allison Rosen]

You love the Cars for Kids jingle. Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

1-877-Cars.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Donate your. All right, what's number all right, number.

[David Wilde]

12, coconut cream pie.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so hold on. Coconut cream, lemon meringue, pumpkin. None of them crack the top 10. All right, interesting.

[Allison Rosen]

Robust top 10.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[David Wilde]

11 peanut butter pieces.

[Adam Carolla]

Again, not a pie. Not a pie. Like Oreo Pie. Not a pie.

[David Wilde]

What is it?

[Adam Carolla]

Just some shit you made up. And you can put anything you want into a pie tin, but you can't call it a pie.

[David Wilde]

Number 10, chocolate peanut butter pie.

[Adam Carolla]

That's. That's all right. That's a candy dessert. That's not pot. It's pie. It's in a pie tin. If I take fucking flank steak and put it in a pie tin, it's not cow pie.

[Allison Rosen]

There's a bacon pie.

[Adam Carolla]

Or the pun. Yes, keep going.

[David Wilde]

Number nine, apple pie.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, that's good. But it seemed like a little higher rank than that.

[David Wilde]

Number eight, cherry pie.

[Adam Carolla]

Now everyone likes cherry pie. I'm not a huge cherry pie fan. Too gooey for me, but it's fine. Should not be above the lemon, you know, ranked higher than the lemon meringue or especially the pumpkin.

[Bald Brian]

Do you like the song cherry pie or the pie more?

[Adam Carolla]

I do. Like, I hate both of them, actually. Go ahead.

[David Wilde]

I'm with you on the cherry pie. It's like little eyeballs in there and it's gooey.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's weird.

[David Wilde]

We have similar taste in music and pie, but nothing else. Number seven, peach pie in season.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, this is an abortion.

[David Wilde]

Number six, strawberry pie.

[Adam Carolla]

No, strawberry pie.

[Allison Rosen]

Strawberry pie.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know that's my reaction when it's in season and it's done by Marie Callenders and you put tons of whipped cream on it. It's pretty good, but it's not better than pumpkin pie.

[David Wilde]

Number five, chess piece.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't know what that is. It's another rental. That's a game move. Right?

[David Wilde]

Number four.

[Adam Carolla]

I blew him through the glory hole and I left a little Chess pies. Forget me.

[David Wilde]

Not chess. The piece.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Chest.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Isn't that your recommended African birth control method?

[Adam Carolla]

Chest pie? Chest pie. Yeah, that's right. Coming on the tips.

[David Wilde]

Number four, blueberry pie. Again, texture.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, not a big blueberry.

[David Wilde]

Number three, key lime pie.

[Adam Carolla]

Key lime is good, but you can't put it in front of pumpkin or apple.

[David Wilde]

And number three, strawberry rhubarb pie. Sorry. Number two, strawberry rhubarb pie.

[Adam Carolla]

No, again, too weird and exotic.

[Allison Rosen]

A lot of splitting of hairs too. The chocolate peanut butter and the peanut butter. The strawberry and the strawberry rhubarb.

[David Wilde]

Number one, chocolate cream pie.

[Adam Carolla]

How many times do I have to say this, people? It's pudding. It's called chocolate pudding that you put in a fucking pie, Tiny. It's not a pie. It's just pudding. Chocolate is.

[David Wilde]

Yeah, it's pudding in a fancy bowl.

[Adam Carolla]

Chocolate's cake. Chocolate cake is fine. I like pie better than cake. If I want chocolate, I'll have some German chocolate cake. You pudding. You spooning fucking pudding. And then Cool Whip over the top of it into a prefab pie shell. It's not a fucking pie, Adam.

[Bald Brian]

I'm deleting Huffington Post from my ultrabook. I don't. As much as I love my ultrabook, I will not write any more huffin posts.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a fucking attack, is it not?

[Bald Brian]

The terrorists win if we. If we accept this pie decision.

[Adam Carolla]

You have put chocolate pie, what, 12 places. 13 place in front of apple pie in front of pumpkin pie. Are you fucking high?

[Bald Brian]

Un American.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Bald Brian]

American pie. Number one, American pie.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to find the fucking communist animal animal that came up with this goddamn list.

[Bald Brian]

Can I get them to call in tomorrow? Should we get. Let's get the Huffington Post. We're going to get this person Rebecca or Chant.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh God, it's wrong.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, I hope this cannot stand.

[Adam Carolla]

I hope she's raped by thousand escaped inmates.

[Bald Brian]

Now she might not come on infected in escape.

[Adam Carolla]

I hope a thousand inmates jump a wall. And by the way, in some that just infected with hepatitis D. That's right. A new one. That's right.

[David Wilde]

How's that one spread?

[Adam Carolla]

This one's this. Monkeys brought it over here from deepest, darkest Africa. And this is impervious to all medication.

[David Wilde]

Now, did we have sex with the monkeys or did they bite us?

[Adam Carolla]

There was one male flight attendant who had sex with the monkey. And that's how it got here. Then it spread into, ironically, cell block D, where it spread like wildfire. They all planned a prison break. They all went over. And as they were going over the top, she was walking back from making her horrific pie list. And it was a brutal, brutal, vicious rape. Yes. They all attacked her simultaneously.

[Allison Rosen]

Simultaneously.

[Adam Carolla]

Simultaneously. I cannot believe she made this fucking list. That's a disaster. It's an abortion, is what it is.

[Bald Brian]

Schindler's List.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a good list.

[Bald Brian]

This is the opposite.

[Adam Carolla]

This is a happier list, a more joyous list than this. So fucking sad.

[Bald Brian]

This is Schindler's Pie list.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Oh, the fucking humanity. Chocolate pie. Would that be on your top 20 of any list?

[Allison Rosen]

Should we disqualify it for being. Not being a pie? Isn't a pie, like, filled with goodness and fruit and chocolate?

[David Wilde]

There's no logic here.

[Adam Carolla]

There's zero.

[Bald Brian]

Never again.

[Adam Carolla]

Zero. This is a zero.

[Bald Brian]

You could go cream number one, but it would have to be banana cream. You can't go.

[Allison Rosen]

But the thing about banana cream and lemon meringue is they are fashioned from fruit. That's sort of the thing with a pie. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And they existed. This didn't exist eight years ago. None of this shit. Oreo cookie pie.

[David Wilde]

I need to find out what Chess Pie is. Cause that. I have heard of that.

[Bald Brian]

You could look it up on my Ultrabook.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I'm sickened. I'm sickened. All right. Get her a call in. I gotta yell at her.

[Bald Brian]

Well, I think the suggestion you made about her personal life is not gonna help get her on, but I will try.

[David Wilde]

Not only do I think she might not call in, but I feel like we might show up on other websites now.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah, we're gonna be on a list.

[Adam Carolla]

I think, just because of the whole. Rape by a thousand inmates.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. If we could walk that back to, like, makes out with two guys with the flu. If we could step it back just a little bit, I think maybe we could get her to call in.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. All right.

[Bald Brian]

You'll find women don't like that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[David Wilde]

Uptight ones.

[Adam Carolla]

Chess pie recipes vary, Are generally similar, and they call for the preparation of a single crust and filling composed of eggs, butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar, vanilla. This sounds like custard. Pie.

[David Wilde]

To me, yeah, it is a custard pie. But what sets it apart is the addition of corn meal and corn syrup, which creates a more gelatinous. Gelatinous is not an appetizing word. No, they need to change that to something slimmy consistency.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it is.

[David Wilde]

Pie is then baked. The finished product is often consumed with coffee.

[Allison Rosen]

Compliments it. Well.

[Bald Brian]

You know what song I would sing to this pie list? Don't Come Around Here no more.

[Adam Carolla]

I heard that. I heard that song. It ruined my evening. I was driving home from dinner and I turned on the radio and I heard that song and I was like, ugh. And then I realized everyone's so dedicated to Tom Petty that nobody wants to say anything about the guy, but this is a horrifically bad song. It's horrific now. It's not Tom's fault. Tom's allowed to shit out a stinker every once in a while. But it shouldn't be played right.

[Bald Brian]

If you want me to. My feeling is it's not a great song. It's a great record. It's a cool record. It was a cool video. I don't dislike it the way you do. It's actually. I found the history of this song. Do you want to know the history of this record you hate? It was actually started by Dave Stewart with Stevie Nicks. And then I think either I kept the sense someone made out with some, or if someone was too high, someone went home and Tom Petty the next day finished it and really wrote it with Dave Stewart. So it was almost. It started out as a Stevie Nicks song that Dave Stewart was doing for Stevie Nicks, and they only started working really again, like 25 years ago later. They did a record last year that was really great.

[Adam Carolla]

But the song sucks, right?

[Bald Brian]

Not to me, but I respect your right to hate it.

[Allison Rosen]

Is this the Alice in Wonderland video?

[Bald Brian]

Yes, that was a famous. It was like, oh, he's.

[Allison Rosen]

He. She's a cake.

[Bald Brian]

Yeah. Yes. Not a pie. If she was a pie, the Huffington Post would have put right on some kind of bad list.

[Adam Carolla]

The lyrics are horrible. That. That much we can agree on.

[Bald Brian]

Distinctive. I. I don't hate it. I don't hate it. I don't think it's. It's not one of my top 50 or 100 petty songs. But I don't hate this song. I mean, it has an 80s thing to it. No, it's not. It's in the top. It's in the bottom 20% of petty songs for me.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you like them all?

[Bald Brian]

I'm. I love Petty. I am. Yeah, I do love Petty, but it's.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, don't come around here no more. Don't come around my back door if you know Tom. All right. I don't know Tom.

[Bald Brian]

Tom has a. Is a lovely guy, but he's got a certain kind of off putting things, people he doesn't know. So I think it's. He does capture something about him saying like, stay away from me. It has that vibe of him.

[Adam Carolla]

All right?

[Bald Brian]

He's a little. He's a cool dude. He has a little bit of an off putting energy sometimes.

[Adam Carolla]

Stan, I stuck up.

[Bald Brian]

That's what you said. No, he's a great guy, but he doesn't like if he doesn't know you. He's cautious and the song has that cautious.

[Adam Carolla]

How many scarves would we give him on the douche Scarf O meter?

[Bald Brian]

No, not a douche. Not. Not one bit the douche.

[Adam Carolla]

Not like four scarves.

[Bald Brian]

No, he's four scarves. He's not Lenny Kravitz, okay? He's not Johnny Depp. He's very few scars. Although they're very friendly. They were very close at the time. No. Tom Petty and Johnny Depp.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

He did into the Great Wide Open. And I wrote a TV special for like a Heartbreakers Tom TV special which he hosted. And he was. And it was really interesting because Johnny, who is and was then even a very nice guy. I know that that goes against the rub, but he said just keep the sentences short because he. He doesn't like to read long sentences. So that was like my Hemingway TV special. Every sentence was four words.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate that song.

[Allison Rosen]

You have a lot in common. Keep sentences short. Keep people away from you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

You guys should become friends.

[Adam Carolla]

I tell you, grow the beer. Have some pie.

[Bald Brian]

You could have some chest pie. Chest pie.

[Adam Carolla]

Chocolate pie. All right, what should we do? A Stone Cold here? No Stone Cold Steve Austin. Not here yet.

[Bald Brian]

I could do a song which is related to your song.

[Adam Carolla]

Please.

[Bald Brian]

Okay. I have a song that I was. I read your tweet about this song and it made me think of my favorite Tom Petty song that Tom Petty had nothing to do with. This is a song that is everything I love about Tom Petty, but it's done by a great, talented songwriter, producer.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm stone Colts here.

[Bald Brian]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to know. Yeah, I do. Well, I know I don't. I don't necessarily want to hear the entire song here.

[Bald Brian]

10 seconds. Play 10 seconds.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's the best song that Tom Petty, best Tom Petty song that Tom Petty had nothing to do with a.

[Bald Brian]

Guy named Butch Walker. It's a song called Weight of Her, and it has that great heartbreaker sound. And I played it the other day and I said, this is the best Petty song. Petty should cover it. It's that good, right? If you listen for one.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's Petty ass.

[Bald Brian]

Very Petty ass.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a Petty cracker. Skinny. Jeff, what year is this from?

[Bald Brian]

This is like 2009. I think the chorus is about to come. We don't need to hear the whole thing, but I just think people should check out this song. Bite on Through Amazon on AdamCroll.com yeah, wait of her, that chorus. So Petty.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bald Brian]

It's like Dan the Torpedoes all over again. Yeah, like here Comes my girl or what.

[Adam Carolla]

Great.

[Bald Brian]

You love those, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, absolutely.

[Bald Brian]

So Butch Walker, this guy, and he produces like a lot of big Pink songs and a lot of big other artists. He's a big producer. Paul Outboy, all that. You know many artists, but he's a great artist in his own right, really. And people, a lot of people don't know his stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Butch Walker. All right. Stone Cold Steve Austin is here. So let's take a quick break. We'll bring Stone Cold in. I got some PSAs for him and we'll do that. Oh, I should tell you. David Wilde. Delete Me. Delete Me makes it easy and quick and safe to remove your personal data online. At a time when surveillance and data breaches are common enough to make everyone vulnerable, it's easier than ever to find personal information about people online. Having your address, phone number and family members names hanging out there on the Internet, well, it can have actual consequences in the real world and makes everyone vulnerable. With Delete Me, you can protect your personal privacy or the privacy of your business from doxing attacks before sensitive information can be exploited. As someone with an active online presence, privacy is really important to me. That's why I'm signing up for Delete Me and you should, too. Am I right, Dawson? Take control of your data and keep your private life private by signing up for Deleteme now at a special discount for our listeners today. Get 20% off your DeleteMe plan by texting ACS to 64,000. The only way to get 20% off is to text ACS to 64,000. That's ACS to 64,000. Message and data rates may apply.

[Dawson]

Stream all the movies and shows you love for free on Pluto tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Say Wetna Showtime.

[Dawson]

That Means drama is free with heart wrenching stories from love and basketball power and Greenleaf.

[Adam Carolla]

In this family we live by the.

[Dawson]

Spirit and laughter is free with gut busting comedies like Key and Peeled the neighborhood, Everybody hates Chris and Boomerang. Watch all the hits all for free from all your favorite devices.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God, I love it.

[Dawson]

Feel the free Pluto TV stream. Now pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, get it on. Stone Cold Steve Austin in studio. Good to see you, Stone Cold.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Thanks for having me again, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody loves Stone Cold Steve Austin. And Steve's got himself a podcast. New episodes, I should say. First off, we'll do the TV show Redneck Island. New episodes Saturday nights on CMT, 9 o' clock. And then also the podcast the Steve Austin show, available on itunes. Grown ups too. Oh Christ, Steve, you had to be in grown ups too.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Did you make it to Baron Sinette?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm never asked to do anything to make my own vehicles. They don't work.

[David Wilde]

And his own opportunities.

[Adam Carolla]

Build my vehicles with square tires. That's my problem. In theaters July 12th, by the way. Website broken skull ranch.com and you can Twitter himveaustin. BSR. Steve, last time we had you in here we were messing around with these PSAs and people really delighted by them. By the way, you look like you're in hard training for a role. Something coming up, man, I got.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Well, I got a couple of movies coming up this summer, but I got tired of looking at what I was seeing in the mirror, so. So started throwing down my shroom. Tech, sports, hitting the gym, tuning up the diet a little bit, trying to tighten up. Probably drop it maybe about 10 more pounds. If I can get down about 240, I think I'll be happy.

[Adam Carolla]

According to your body mass index, you're morbidly obese at 6.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

You're exactly right. I'm a fat some bitch. If you look at the damn charts.

[Adam Carolla]

That chart needs to be updated. It was made in the 40s. And it's like if you are 5 9, you weigh more than 130 pounds. You're morbidly obese. Unless you're big bone, in which case you can be 138 pounds.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

And when you first start reading those things, if you get real caught up in it, it can really be a mind fuck for you because you think, hold it, I got a fucking problem. I am a little bit on the obese side.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, how tall are you, Stone?

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Well, I'm six. One was six two. Got dropped on my head too many times, squashed down an Inch. Sure, take that into consideration.

[Adam Carolla]

But the this at 6:1, I believe, body mass index thing would be, you know, 170, 77 pounds or something like that. And if you're big boned or husky, they'll give you like 183. At 6:1 you're getting down to 240. By the way, I'm lean and mean at 250, for Christ's sake.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

I'm hanging in there, hanging in there.

[Adam Carolla]

So we're talking about those public service announcements, Brian. I don't know if you have any music there, but last time I think we're talking about bringing blades on a plane. I thought, oh, by the way, 228 is where you become morbidly obese. 228 and add in the body mass index. But you're supposed to weigh. We'll figure out what you're supposed to weigh.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

So I need to lose like 25.

[Adam Carolla]

More pounds to get to morbidly obese.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

To get to morbidly obese. Right, I got that going for me.

[Adam Carolla]

You should weigh 182.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

My heart's ticking like a sun bitch. Just listen to this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, look, it's going to explode any second. You really have to figure out a way to shed £70. Look at him, he's a mess. I bet his balls weigh 80 pounds.

[Allison Rosen]

I could say a leg could go probably. That'd take a good 50, 60 pounds.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a couple things that are pissing me off. One is I keep stepping on other people's gum because what they're doing is they're spitting it out on the blacktop and the sun hits it and it almost liquefies. And then I step in it with my tennis shoe and it makes that weird spearmint bridge that I can smell, which feels really weird, intrusive, you know, When I step in it and I go, ah, shit. It makes this thing. I thought maybe a PSA for people spitting their gum. You know, look, I'm sure in Japan they either don't chew gum or they put it in a wrapper and they put it back in the wrapper and they throw it in the garbage. And then they bow in front of the garbage can here. It's just when we're done with our gum, it's like, you know, right? And it doesn't matter. People get out of their car, just spit it in between the two parking spaces. And of course, when you're walking around your car, boom. It's like, take 10 seconds and spit it, Spit it into a fucking hedge or a shrub or something.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

You would think I'd be asking too much.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

To do that. You know another pet peeve for me? When they spit that bubble gum in the water fountain.

[David Wilde]

Go get a drink of water, and.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

There'S that damn little grubby piece of gum that somebody spit out of their damn mouth. And you know, the water's not running over that. You're getting in your mouth, but just by. It's too close. It's too close. And I don't want to.

[David Wilde]

You might want to be making out.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's the thing. Whatever you're done with, be it a piece of gum or a spent tampon, please dispose of it in some proper fashion.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

If there's one thing I can't stand is a spent tampon and a water fountain.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? That's bad. At least there's a. At least that's a conversation piece. You know what I mean? I can get back.

[Allison Rosen]

You'll never guess what I saw.

[Adam Carolla]

Keep going.

[Allison Rosen]

At Jimmy's school today.

[Adam Carolla]

Keep going, right? It's a stone cold. If you could do one for the assholes that spit their gum out anywhere and everywhere.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Well, I tell you what. Every single time I come on this show, I drive through a shitload of traffic to get here, and Adam promptly throws me in the grease. First it was a PSA about blades, and now we're talking about bubble gum on a hot street.

[Adam Carolla]

Could be. Experiment.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

All you bubble gum chewers out there where it's a little bit of spearmint or something to get your breath fresh for some chick you're meeting at lunch that your wife don't know about, or you're just some piece of shit walking down the sidewalk trying to find your next fix. Don't spit your goddamn gum on the sidewalk. Take your time. Do your due diligence. Wrap it up in a piece of paper. Do something. Drop it in the trash can. Think about your brother. Think about your sister walking down the street. Think about that little puppy dog that might get that tangled up on his little paws. God damn it, people. Pick your fucking gum up. Put it in the trash can when you get done with it, and that's the bottom line.

[Adam Carolla]

Stone cold Steve Austin. Wow.

[David Wilde]

The dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Powerful. The little puppy. The little puppy.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

And it raised the stakes with the puppy dog.

[Adam Carolla]

It really did. It painted a picture. Yeah. We all love dogs. We don't all love people, but we all love dogs. Can we do one more, Steve?

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Oh, God.

[Adam Carolla]

Just one more. They're so good at it. It's your fault for being so good.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Here we go.

[Adam Carolla]

These school lunch programs where I got to feed your fucking kids. Yeah, I think you should be able to hustle up the 33 cents it's going to take to get them breakfast in the morning. If you, if you my. And again, I'll. I'll set it up, you mow it down. My feeling is, is if you can't afford to feed your kids, maybe you should come on the tits. You know what I'm saying? Why don't you pull out and I've done the oatmeal math. Scoop of oatmeal, little tap water and some brown sugar. Is all of 18 cents. You don't need the school lunch program where you're from. In Texas they have a little something called pride and they're self reliant. But over here it's a big deal where everyone needs to be fed and I need to feed them and everyone gets outraged when I go feed your own fucking kids and show them the message that mama and or daddy give a shit enough to cook them breakfast in the morning. It's not the state's job to start taking care of them. We don't need them indoctrinated into the welfare system that early.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Stone, if you can't feed your fucking kids, don't have none. Go buy rubber, save up your money, get a vasectomy, take some pills, go get that morning after gimmick, whatever it takes. If you can't afford to feed them, don't have them set. Dramatic pause.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's powerful.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

That's all I got.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good. That's good.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

I mean, goes back. I mean, have a little bit of pride. I mean, you know, it's responsibility. Don't just dump your damn kids at school and explain.

[Adam Carolla]

It. We'll put it together.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Why? I don't know how to put it together.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll fix it in the bay. We'll fix it in the bay. We'll dig out. We'll dig out the audio. Go ahead, wake up. Time.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Time to rustle up those kids out of bed and get them ready for school. And you got to get to work to pay those motherfucking bills they keep sending in the mail. If they stop sending those bills in the mail, you could stop working. But I still gotta feed those kids three squares a day. Three squares a day. And it all starts with breakfast. That means breakfast. A little bit of love right before you drop those motherfuckers off at school, say, get their education on. We all know that it takes some smarts to get on in society today to make the world a better place to live, for each human being to be as good or as great as they can and aspire to be. And it all starts with a loving breakfast served right at home. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Stone cold Steve Austin.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

About as caring, as tender as I can get.

[Adam Carolla]

That's nice. No, sweet, but. But. Yet. But firm. Firm with a little bit of a message there.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

A little bit of a message.

[Allison Rosen]

Gonna be a lot of belief in there for a psa, but we'll make it work.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we'll make it work.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

So, Steve, you out. You don't live out in Los Angeles, do you?

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Yeah, I do. I live in a marina.

[Adam Carolla]

You live in the marina?

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Yeah. It's a. Some bitch coming over here in traffic.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, shit. Oh, you need a helicopter?

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

I'm thinking about it. I can't afford one.

[Adam Carolla]

I think about all sorts of things. I can't afford dirigibles, usually involving transportation. Yeah, I know. It's. It's really at that point where it's like Trump and Manhattan and you got to take off from the top of some high rise and land. I mean, honestly, the Marina to here at this time.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Hour and a half.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. And you drive in that half track all jacked up.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

No, I do. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Swastika's on the side of it. I mean, that's.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

I drive a Ford Bronco. Short wheelbase, easy to turn, stop on a dime, spit out a nickel change. You can parallel park anywhere. But I just traded for a Suburban. So now I'm driving that land yacht. And that Some bitches. The geometry on that steering is a whole different animal. Longer wheelbase, takes longer to get in. In that little bitty space that a subject gives you on the next lane when you're trying to get over. Wish you used your turn signals to use to get over and give somebody a heads up that, hey, I need to come over here because I gotta get on this highway over here. Yeah. So that was a little bit of a challenge because I'm adapting to my new longer vehicle.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Interesting. I had him pegged as a Toyota Yaris man myself. I would never guess the Bronco or Suburban, but feel stupid now. Yeah. See, this is what happens. What you do is you prejudge. You know what I mean? Stone cold Steve Austin, he's driving a Toyota Yaris. What else would he drive?

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

The responsible thing to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe a Geometro, but turns out he drove a Bronco and now he's in a Suburban.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Who knew I'm moving up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So you're out here. You live out here because of Hollywood, because of the business?

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

I don't necessarily have to live out here. I came out here to more facilitate that process. It's not like I go to meetings every day. But, you know, I tell you what, once you've been out here for a little bit, and I've been there for about 10 years, I love Texas. Still have a ranch in Texas, Go back and forth all the time. But you cannot beat SoCal weather. There's a lot of shitheads in Los Angeles and for that matter, in big cities all over the United States. I've been to most of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

But the weather here sure makes those shitheads a lot easier to deal with.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[David Wilde]

It's like a tourism psa.

[Adam Carolla]

It really is.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Let's don't do it, though.

[David Wilde]

Sorry.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Come out to California, folks. There's some great fucking weather out here.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. All right. He's burnt out. You tell him to do another one. Stone Cold Steve Austin. We're gonna do some news. O'Reilly Auto Parts. You know the jingle. It's in your head, right? It's in my head. I can't miss it. They're in the business of keeping your car on the road. O'Reilly Auto Parts offers friendly, helpful service and the parts and the knowledge need to maintain and repair your car. I've always used O'Reilly. I've always had cars that needed special attention, and now I do it as a hobby. Back then I did it for financial reasons. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll find the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are knowledgeable, helpful, and best of all, they're friendly. So stop by @ O'Reilly Auto Parts, do it today, or you can visit them online. Come visit us o'reillyauto.com Adam that's o'reillyauto.com Adam.

[Dawson]

Stream all the movies and shows you love for free on Pluto tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Say what now?

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Showtime.

[Dawson]

That means drama is free. With heart wrenching stories from love and basketball power and Greenleaf.

[Adam Carolla]

In this family we live by the.

[Dawson]

Spirit and laughter is free. With gut busting comedies like Pee and Peele. The neighborhood everybody hates, Chris and Boomerang. Watch all the hits all for free from all your favorite devices.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God, I love it.

[Dawson]

Feel the free Pluto TV stream. Now pay. Never.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's do some news. Stone Cold. You jump in, crack wise and we'll have some fun with it.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Deadpool news With Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It tells me, Allison, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip. It's Allison.

[David Wilde]

Allison. This is going to piss you off, Adam. Watermelon Oreos. There they are. Look how unattractive they look. Or unappetizing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they got the green to red ratio all fucked up. Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Is it like an alien face?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it does look like a smiley face with antennas. But shouldn't it be all watermelon? Should be all red, yeah.

[David Wilde]

Yeah. So for anyone who's listening. Yeah, you can go to AdamKohler.com and see this photo. But there's, like, where the. It looks like a. Like a Christmas patty or something. But where the white of the Oreo would be. It is. It's like a yin yang of green but alien sperm Green. Yeah, and really bright green and then really bright pink. And it doesn't. They don't. They look like they're just next to each other. It's not even blended well.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[David Wilde]

The green looks disgusting.

[Adam Carolla]

The green is for the rind, Right?

[David Wilde]

The best part of the watermelon.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. The part you want to devour first.

[Adam Carolla]

So if you're doing guacamole or avocado, something, you do light green like that, you don't do the darkish, blackish skin color seems. Seems insane here.

[David Wilde]

For some reason, we've all signed off on the idea that the way we represent watermelon artificially is to do the green and red. Yeah, I'm not signing off on it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not signed off on that either. And I don't like Oreos. I think they're shitty cookie. I can't stand the fact that they're on anyone's list and you remaking them. And by the way, like I said, when you're giving tutorial, tutorials on how to consume the cookie, like, well, I like to break mine in half and then wipe one part on my ass cheek, and then I'll have my dog lick it off. Like, fucking good cookie is a good cookie. You put in your mouth, you chew it and you swallow it, and eventually you shit it out. You don't do the thing where you take it apart and break it apart and lick the center out of it and then put it back together again. By the way, they never tell you what happens after you lick that center out.

[David Wilde]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So now what do you have? Two shitty cookies with no Center.

[David Wilde]

Yeah. And by the way, speaking of dogs licking your ass, sometimes when I'm playing with my dog, he'll lick my mouth. Like, actually the inside of my mouth. And just for good measure, I always go, ew. But it doesn't really bother me that much. I'm thinking of making out with him. Do you guys have this relationship with your dogs, too?

[Adam Carolla]

I was feeding my dog peanuts tonight before I came here. I was just feeding her the things, and then I gave her the little bowl I had the peanuts in and put it in her mouth, and she did lick the whole thing out, and then she left one. I popped it out. I was this close to popping it in my mouth, but then it mean we're, like, married or something, and. And in. In dog relationship, so I put it out and gave it to her. But, yeah, I feed her. I put my. Put my fingers in her mouth all the time.

[David Wilde]

But do you let her lick your mouth?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. I am. When I see people letting their dogs lick their face, it's totally gross.

[David Wilde]

But I'm okay with it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't.

[David Wilde]

It's not when I watch it, but when Oliver licks my face, I think it's cute.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. I'm not down with that. I'm not down with that part with the animals. I like to roll her. My dog sneezes on me, which seems grotesque, and it is. I like to roll my dog on her back, and my favorite thing is to roll her on her back and then slap her belly and, you know, yell, who's a good girl? And then when she lays on her back, she sneezes. It's. It's like when you go outside and you look up into the sun or something, but it's. It's like clockwork. I roll on her back, she does the back. She lays on her back, and she does this weird. And it's fun to see her gums flap the wrong direction. You know what I mean? Like, their gums are, like curtains. Yeah. So it's like I invert her, and her flappy gums, like, flap up on her, and then she goes. And I go, okay, here it comes. And what I do is I get past the sneeze. Like when you're going out and a wave is coming, you don't try to run back to the shore. You don't try to jump over it. You dive through it. I put my shoulder down, put my head next to her, and she sneezes past me. Wow. Duck down and put my forehead Onto the carpet. She does the sneeze, she does the pass. Sneeze? Yeah.

[David Wilde]

Then you slap her belly and say, who the good girl?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but every once.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

It's not a dog, is it?

[Adam Carolla]

Every once in a while it's a lab. It's a blonde lab, yellow lab.

[Allison Rosen]

I imagine Stone Cold has some badass dogs.

[Adam Carolla]

And dogs.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Two labs. Got a chocolate lab. And Shona, the black lab. She grooms my face every morning so she's licking all wakes up. I gotta. I gotta give her this one.

[David Wilde]

Really?

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

You can't eat the pocket inside of the mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You ever sneeze on your dog?

[Adam Carolla]

No, but she owes. I owe her because turnabout is fair play.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a good place to sneeze.

[Adam Carolla]

You do this and I get sneezed in the face. If I screw my timing up, sometimes she just goes right on her back and boom. Right in my face. So I had to give her that. I will bet Stone Cold's Chocolate Lab tastes better than the Oreo with the watermelon flavor. That's what I would bet, the watermelon flavor.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

It looks like one of Santa's little Christmas elves took a shit on a biscuit and then he put a top on it and called it a green and red. Whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

The new Oreos come, somebody's going to be a spokesperson for Nabisco.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

You got to worry about them coming on the Steve Austin gimmick, huh?

[David Wilde]

They're just calling them watermelon Oreos.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Well, you just said you hated the Oreo. Oreo. You don't like the regular Oreos?

[Adam Carolla]

Knock.

[David Wilde]

Overrated.

[Adam Carolla]

Not compared to the at least the hundred cookies that I have above it.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Well, yeah, Three quarters drunk munchies with a big ass glass of milk.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, okay, well, you supplement it with booze and milk.

[Dawson]

Fine.

[David Wilde]

See, artificial watermelon and artificial grape are my least favorite.

[Adam Carolla]

Artificial fruit flavors, they can't pull it off. No, the best is the green apple, which just tastes like that. Nothing exists in nature just artificial green apple. But it's its own flavor.

[David Wilde]

Yeah, I'm okay with artificial cherry as well. Yeah, it doesn't taste like a real cherry, but I'm okay with it.

[Adam Carolla]

Grape bothers me. Yeah, I don't like the miniature grape jellies they give you when you go to the bad diner. Because that's just pectin. That's just sort of purple sweet.

[David Wilde]

There's not even a gel pretend fruit in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, at least the strawberry has some. Pretending to be a strawberry. This is just. Do you want something that light won't pass through. That's sort of sweet that you can rub on your toast. They don't often couch it that way, but that's the way I hear it. It's just. What I'm saying is like, marmalade may not be for everyone, but at least it's a decision. You make a choice, you go, marmalade's a choice. Strawberry's a choice.

[David Wilde]

Preserves are a choice.

[Adam Carolla]

Raspberry, boysenberry, those are choices. The grape is just weird, sort of gelatinous, Gelatinous, translucent grape looking.

[David Wilde]

It's toast. Shampoo.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You don't need it. Yeah.

[David Wilde]

Grape jelly. You.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

I'm okay with the grape jelly. I'm more of a strawberry guy. On the jelly. With that being said. Yeah, I think that's pretty good. Yeah. But from the diners, now they're serving dog shit.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a pack. The packet's a cop out. Yeah, I don't want the pack.

[David Wilde]

You mean the little square thing? Yeah, little rectangle that you have to peel the top off of. And then you just have a sticky foil.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And everybody goes. Everyone avoids the grape and gets the other flavors going. And so they're left with this hopper full of grapes from 1984. Yeah, they give you all grapes. They get 14 grape choices to choose from.

[David Wilde]

Yeah, I do like the little. The little wire thing they give you, though, that holds it.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that caddy. Yeah, I like that caddy.

[David Wilde]

Yeah, that's nice. Caddy for you, Joey.

[Adam Carolla]

You know why? Because that's something that's dedicated.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not good for this. And for golf balls, it's just good for this. It's a weird little thing, by the way, if you made those and you told people you made those, not only could they not question you, but you could tell them that you're literally a billionaire and they couldn't question that either. It's plausible, right, that your family's been making those since 1941? I would say that your great great grandfather started making those things and no one else has made them. And by the way, it's not just the United States. You exports all over.

[David Wilde]

Right. He's got a patent on jelly caddies.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, huge in China.

[David Wilde]

It's amazing. How did he realize there was a market for it?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Old man was a genius. And by the way, on an eighth grade education, that's. You throw that one in. You know what I mean? Then everyone goes, yeah, sure, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you know how much jelly they eat in Canada?

[Adam Carolla]

A lot. A lot, a lot. Let's say it's a lot.

[Allison Rosen]

I just put my kid through college.

[David Wilde]

This is reminding me of a conversation I either had or saw in a movie, which still has confidence in me and myself. Someone who's like, you know, you're familiar with plastic hangers, right? Well, her grandfather has the patent on plastic hangers. There is that person exists or is in a movie? I think exists, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Can you have a patent on that anyway? All right.

[David Wilde]

Or, you know, reinvented the whole hangar industry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. There's money to make. You know, you can make money. You probably make more money on shit that cost under two bucks than you make on shit that cost over a million dollars. Guys who make yachts and Bentleys probably don't make as much as the guys who make the witch, you know?

[David Wilde]

Right. So Justin Bieber is in the news today because he was in Hollywood in his white Ferrari and paparazzi were swarming around his car. And then he drove off. And there's video that shows that he basically hit one of the paparazzi, although no one was cited or arrested, and officers say there was no crime committed. We have the video. Tell me what you think.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I saw the guy, he flops like a punter, you know, that, you know. Well, I'll talk to Brian at Stone Cold. Stone Cold played a little ball, but, you know, it's 4th and 3 and they're from this. From this angle looks a little more than it is, but if you see it from the side, he does this. Whoa, whoa.

[David Wilde]

And also, did the car even make contact with it?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think so. Able bodied, athletically built brothers don't go down that easily, by the way.

[Allison Rosen]

You can see the thought process, the wheels turning as he tries to get up. Wait a minute, there's a payday. And he just stops it on one knee.

[Adam Carolla]

Now here's my question.

[Allison Rosen]

Son of a bitch.

[Adam Carolla]

Later on, in order to carry through the charade, or charade, as Stone Colt calls it, you have to call an ambulance.

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because everyone around you, this again. The country's falling apart. See, everyone around you go, stay down, stay down, stay down. When you would be going, get the fuck up or I'm gonna pee on you. I mean, when you were young, one of your asshole buddies hit the ground in front of a bar, you know, get your fucking ass up.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Everybody's looking for a payoff these days. Justin Bieber, the guy takes the flop. Gonna try to collect some coin. Justin's driving a nice ass white Ferrari. I'M at Home Depot today. My squeegee busted the other day when I was getting the water off my deck outside the other day. So I bought a new squeegee, about a five foot wooden handle on that some bitch. So I got it. If I'm pushing my cart this way, I got the damn, you know, stick going that way because I knew if I pointed it perpendicular, I knew there's going to be a some bitch coming around there is going to take a clothesline bite and sue me. I'm just trying to buy a $15 squeegee. Obviously these lawsuits between Bieber and myself are. There's a great amount of difference between I was being careful in Home Depot buying a fucking squeegee, right?

[Adam Carolla]

And also the clothesline would have been fold by a pile driver if you're stone cold. And that, that is not a sprung wrestling mat there though, that is cement.

[Allison Rosen]

He's on the top shelf.

[Adam Carolla]

That's. Look out, that's slab on grade there, baby. That's. That. That's got to hurt. Yeah. So the guy takes the fall. Now, in order to complete the charade, we must call the ambulance because he can't get up. He's injured, he needs to stay down and call an ambulance. So later on there's footage of LA fire department or whoever sending an ambulance over, throwing him in the back of the ambulance and carting him off to some medical whatever, where they're going to take X rays because he'll have to insist that they go through the entire process, you know, well, why didn't they take X rays if you're in excruciating pain? Paparazzi. So they'll take the X ray as a dot. Now I want him to pay for the fucking ambulance ride. Why should we pay for the ambulance ride? And what about the person who a block over got into a motorcycle accident and the fucking ambulance is carrying the flopper over to the fake hospital so he can get the fake X rays and do the lawsuit later on. Meanwhile this guy's bleeding out on the fucking street. What about the consequences of just using the cops, the fire department or whoever as your own sort of personal injury attorneys? You know, you gotta build the story out. So sit on the ground in the street, block traffic, fuck things up. To mention, what are you supposed to do when you're driving a car and someone's standing in the street and you're telling them to move and they won't leave the front of your car?

[David Wilde]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Shouldn't that be the end of it. You're in the street and there's moving cars.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it should be.

[David Wilde]

And he didn't look to be in pain, like, at all.

[Adam Carolla]

No. But he did take an ambulance ride. And you know. You know the city. It's not like the ambulance ride. How much was that? $89 plus mileage and fuel. No, that was several thousand dollars it cost the taxpayers of the city that's broke. So that should come out of his pocket. Look, if we get to the hospital and we see abrasions, and we see contusions and broken bones and whatever, good. But if he's fucking fine, then he should pay for that ride.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

I'm with you 100%, all right?

[Adam Carolla]

I can't do any better than that. Yeah, you cannot do any better than that.

[David Wilde]

Have you guys ever been in an ambulance?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, when you fucked up your shoulder playing Pop Warner.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I was playing football. I took an ambulance from the football field once. And I always dream of that part where they tell me not to get in the back of the ambulance. Cause a loved one's in there and I tell them to fuck off. I'm going in the back of the ambulance, and then instead I follow along in my car. But I always dream of that part, you know?

[David Wilde]

You actually dream of it or you fantasize about it?

[Adam Carolla]

They do both. Does one mean masturbate?

[Bald Brian]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Then both.

[Allison Rosen]

It can.

[Adam Carolla]

Then both. That's right. Yeah. I think. I think only my football. I think only my football injury. Stone cold. You played some football. Never get carted off?

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Never carted off a football field. Took a couple of rides, you know, in the wrestling business and other things. I don't really remember too much about those ambulance rides, you know? You're awake during at least. I was.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Just kind of in the back of a. Almost like an rv, heading to go see some professionals. Gonna tell you what the fuck you just did to yourself.

[David Wilde]

Is it like how you see on TV where there's someone over you and everything's beeping and you're all hooked up and stuff?

[Adam Carolla]

I had just a severely separated shoulder. And all I remember is the speed bumps in the parking lot of the high school. And every time we went over the speed bump, fucking, I screamed in agony because my shoulder was hanging out. That's. I remember. I remember the speed bumps like Cha Chunk and Do you think they would.

[David Wilde]

Know how to drive around them?

[Adam Carolla]

The idea that we have speed bumps is simultaneously the greatest message and the worst message, really, as a society. The idea that we needed to provide things to Slow ourselves down. You know, there's shitty cultures don't have speed bumps. They have donkeys. Do you know what I'm saying? We actually install shit to fuck our shit up. Like we go, we need to fuck our stuff up and slow our shit down. We're gonna put humps in the road.

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's in parking lots. They put them in streets. I mean, they'll just put them right down residential streets.

[Allison Rosen]

My neighborhood's full of them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They're literally finding ways to slow our shit down.

[Allison Rosen]

It's nice because those kids can play near the street now. But it's also frustrating because I have to drive over eight or 12 of them every night.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then you try to come up this thing where if you can hit them at a 90 degree angle, which if you do an E brake and you hit them backwards, you can get the back end to come around and just hit about 90 degrees with all the weight off the suspension, it's like. Yeah, it's one of those things.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

We filmed Redneck island in Mexico and I don't know, for some reason in Mexico they love the speed bump. There's more fucking speed bumps in Mexico than I've ever seen in my life.

[Adam Carolla]

Those are hooker's bodies. I mean, those are guys from the. Who cross the drug cartel and everybody's driving the shit. Those are politicians.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Politicians.

[Adam Carolla]

Those aren't speed headless bodies.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Yeah, get them off the road.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be nice.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

They're beating the shit out of our cars.

[Adam Carolla]

What's up with the speed bump in Mexico?

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

I don't know, but they love them. And they build those ones with the sharp angle, you know, because they can build a little humps, right? Kind of just go over them. Yeah, they build those real abrupt speed bumps. You're going to slow down for this thing.

[Adam Carolla]

We got to agree on the speed bump because I feel like there's the mild speed hump swell.

[Allison Rosen]

The signs say hump and bump. Different, different signs.

[Adam Carolla]

There's the ones you barely have to slow down for. And then there's the ones are going to bottom out your suspension if you hit them more than three miles an hour. Yeah, I think I should buy the hump. Yeah, the hump, I don't mind. It's the bump.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

The hump, I don't mind either.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the bump, not the hump. All right, baby girl, what else we got? What's going on?

[David Wilde]

The US and the Taliban are going to begin starting talks on ending the Afghan war.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Because those Taliban guys That's great to sit down with them.

[David Wilde]

And really they met a key US Demand by pledging not to use Afghanistan as a base to threaten other. Although America say that they must also denounce Al Qaeda.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Allison Rosen]

Are we gonna meet at our cave or theirs?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's neutral cave too. Neutral cave. All right. Jesus Christ, who Did anyone know we'd be this fucked up this long? Like, no, if somebody said like in 1988, like, all right, don't worry. This whole Cold War thing's gonna be over pretty soon and Berlin Walls coming.

[Allison Rosen]

Down, nothing to worry about.

[Adam Carolla]

That Hasselhoff's gonna be huge.

[Allison Rosen]

What do you mean gonna be? Pretty sure he is.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Huge.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but I meant more in Germany. But anyway. And that'll be that with the Soviet Union and you'd be like, good, then we can just get on with it then, right? Not so fast.

[Allison Rosen]

What's the problem?

[Adam Carolla]

There's a whole bunch of those shitty countries you never heard of and you can't pronounce.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, what are they gonna do?

[Adam Carolla]

They're starting a war, but it's not like. No, it's not like a real war with each other.

[Allison Rosen]

They're gonna.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they're gonna like, use our shit. We're gonna like fly our airplanes into our buildings and like, use these things called suicide bombers. I get like a backpack and I fill them full of rusty nails and they go into like pizza joints at Tel Aviv. It's a fucking. It's like pain in the ass. Number two.

[Allison Rosen]

Is Hasselhoff big or not?

[Adam Carolla]

You can find him on the Internet.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. Thank God.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry. I didn't explain what the Internet was. Oh, hey, you're into porn, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Who isn't?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna make your day. I'm just saying I need a little break between the Soviet Union and whatever's going on over there in the Middle East. Like, I feel like it just. It just. It just went right. It just flowed right into it. Like a shitty DJ playing two songs you can't stand, you know, just sitting there and mixing up, just. Well, now it's right into this thing. And these wars don't have beginnings, middles or ends. They're just kind of.

[David Wilde]

It's been 12 years. Yeah, they just got into these wars. I would not have thought that it would last 12 years.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's. There's nothing. You're not going to end a war where people don't give a shit. Like, they have to give a shit. You have to go, you need a part of the populace going, hey, man, that's my house. You know what you're doing to home prices and to Crete? You're driving them through the basement, through the spider hole where. Where Saddam's hiding. Like, you need a bunch of people that go, look, man, this is a fucking hassle. It's the whole sort of jihad part of it that's fucked everything up. Yeah, yeah. Germans, Japanese, whatever. Italians. Eventually, they'll see some reason when you start blowing up too much of their stuff and they go, all right, fuck it. Let's just move on. You know what? Let's just go invent something. Let's just start making cars, selling shit. Get us.

[David Wilde]

That is what got us out of the war.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Start selling shit to the people that are blowing our shit up, and we'll get out of it. This, I don't see. This is a mindset. I mean, this isn't.

[David Wilde]

It's ideology.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's not about money. It's not about finance or commerce. I don't know when we're going to.

[David Wilde]

It's not about something that can be compromised.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. When we're gonna talk anyone out of this. You know what I mean? Like, you know, Japanese were like, all right, look, a couple nukes got lit off. We're not gonna win this one. Put your guns down, start rebuilding. And then they put their shit down, and then they start selling us cars. Fine. This not gonna work that way. And I don't know that there's a definitive end to this. It's just a slow bleed.

[David Wilde]

Sort of like how I believe baby corn is good. And you think it's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone thinks it's bad.

[David Wilde]

There's a few vocal baby corn lovers out there.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone hates baby corn.

[David Wilde]

It's not true.

[Adam Carolla]

Stone cold Steve Austin.

[David Wilde]

Baby corn.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Baby corn in a can. What?

[David Wilde]

Sure.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Is it in a can or is it on a cob?

[David Wilde]

Oh. Oh, my God. I've never seen it on a cob. That would be fun.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you mean it's always baby.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Corn in a can?

[Adam Carolla]

It's always on a cob. Right. But it comes from a can. But it lives on a cob when you buy it.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Is it in the can?

[David Wilde]

Yeah, it's in the can or it's at a set or it's at a salad bar. I mean, it probably came from.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

I don't think I've ever eaten a baby.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the part of Chinese food you pick out. It's rare. That you take. Did you really do the segregation thing with the Chinese food? We Go. This I'll slide off Chinese food.

[David Wilde]

It's also in salad bars.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

I'm gonna research this. I'm gonna eat baby corn versus regular corn. And the next time I come back, I'm gonna give you my feedback.

[David Wilde]

Thank you very much.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

I'm gonna research this thing.

[Adam Carolla]

The fact that you reached a ripe old age of 40 and not no baby corn is past your lips is a bad sign for baby corn.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Bad sign for baby corn. I gotta give him that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

That being said, it's never too late to give baby corn a try.

[David Wilde]

That's right. I appreciate his open mindedness.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

I would love to try me some baby corn.

[David Wilde]

At least could learn from that.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[David Wilde]

No, I'm saying this is religious war.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes.

[David Wilde]

There's no changing our minds.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no compromise. Yes. There's nothing.

[David Wilde]

One of us is right and there's you.

[Adam Carolla]

I think the people speak and have spoken when it comes to baby corn. Bryan and I disagree on many things, but the baby corn is not.

[Allison Rosen]

Baby corn is terrible.

[Adam Carolla]

It's terrible. What's good about it?

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

What is so bad about it?

[David Wilde]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, okay. It's corn where you eat the cob. That's what's bad about it.

[David Wilde]

Fun.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Oh, it's like that little hors d' oeuvre gimmick.

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Yes. I had a couple of those and they're okay. In a pinch. I wouldn't get. Yeah. As far as regular corn versus baby corn. I gotta go regular corn.

[David Wilde]

But they're taking it further and saying baby corn is gross.

[Adam Carolla]

No. People don't like it. If you. If you set out a salad bar. Let's work this out. Yeah. You got a salad bar. You got your hard boiled egg. You got your beets. You got your, you know, different varieties of lettuce. You got your beans, including garbanzo and whatnot.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You got your croutons, cheese, things like that. Trying to think what else. Tomato.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Some olives.

[Adam Carolla]

Olives. I like a black olives.

[David Wilde]

Rank everything in a salad bar.

[Adam Carolla]

Cucumbers.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying if you lay out 12, 15 items at a salad bar, baby corn is distant. It's a Zola Bud esque.

[Allison Rosen]

Good call.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyone know who Zola Bud is?

[Allison Rosen]

He the marathon.

[Adam Carolla]

She was the barefooter.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bald Brian]

Who?

[Adam Carolla]

She ran in the Olympics.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that's right. She tripped.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody, like, tripped into somebody. And she came in last, but I mean dead last. Like several hundred yards. Or maybe she just stopped and started crying. The baby corn.

[David Wilde]

More delicious baby corn for me. When I come upon A salad bar with baby corn. I feel like I've found a good salad bar.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

So you just go ahead and load up on a baby corn for somebody comes in and just scavenges it all up.

[David Wilde]

Actually, I never have to worry about that.

[Adam Carolla]

I would argue that you have difficulty finding baby corn at finer restaurants.

[Allison Rosen]

I 100% agree with that. I'm trying not to exaggerate, but I feel like I've only seen baby corn discarded. You know what I mean? Like from China.

[Adam Carolla]

I've never seen it consumed.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, on the edge of plates.

[Adam Carolla]

The Chinese use it as a sort of packing Styrofoam to, like parsley. It's their way. No, it's their way to fill out a plate without, you know, anyone consuming it. It's probably cheap. It's abundant where they're from. They know the round aisle. Eat anything and they just throw it in the wok. It takes up room. It displaces all the chicken.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

It's almost a scam.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a scam.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

It's a filler.

[Adam Carolla]

It's tonnage. It's filler. That's right. It's corn byproduct.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Brought to you by small corn, not big corn. See?

[Allison Rosen]

I'll send. You really didn't like it, did you?

[David Wilde]

I do like it. I did and I do. And look at everyone with their heads down. How do you hate people in the other room? Do you all hate baby corn too?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes. Do you eat it with a knife?

[David Wilde]

No, you eat it with your fingers. You can eat it with your fingers.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

But at that same time do that. Is that your favorite thing at the salad bar? The baby corn?

[David Wilde]

No, it's not my favorite thing, but I like it.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

So it's on the bottom of your things and you like it, but it's on the bottom of things that you like.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's be prepared to be outraged. Avocado versus baby corn. Dawson, brace yourself. All right, look, you like avocado, or what do you have to do?

[David Wilde]

No, I feel like avocado is overrated. First of all, I'm sorry, Dawson.

[Adam Carolla]

I love. Hold on a second.

[David Wilde]

Uh. Oh, I can't. This is like a fart I can't stuff back in my butt.

[Adam Carolla]

A ship is sinking. You're on a dinghy. You can only take one vegetable with you. You can only save one vegetable. All right, is it baby corn or is it avocado? They're both crying on the deck. That's all you can take. Yeah.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

God dang.

[David Wilde]

It's a tough this is just. Here's. I have. I don't mean to not answer. I've got some questions.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[David Wilde]

Are we looking at what will sustain me for long?

[Adam Carolla]

Just you. Just you. Just what I want.

[David Wilde]

Oh, my God. Baby corn over avocado. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Scurvy, right?

[Bald Brian]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. What about later, husband? What about tomato?

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Baby corn over the tomato?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right now. Now we're getting some. Some deadly ground asparagus. Ooh, baby corn doesn't make your wee smell weird.

[David Wilde]

I know. And I'm torn because I do like to smell my piss after, but I'm taking baby corn.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

I'm gonna need therapy after this show.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, me too. All right, I'm just gonna keep pressing forward here. Throwing out a wild card here. Garbanzo baby corn. All right, now. Now we're getting in. Now I'm gonna go. How about this? How about a Rainier cherry? That's the best thing God ever created besides stone cold. Second only stone cold Steve Austin. A Rainier cherry.

[David Wilde]

You know what would give the baby corn a run for its money on my salad? Hearts of palm.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, hearts of palm.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

I dig that.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Definitely a heart of palm. This is a chasm that we're never gonna bridge.

[David Wilde]

And yet I spent years hating hearts of palm. If it's too vinegary, it still makes me kind of want to barf, but otherwise I like it.

[Adam Carolla]

What about artichoke hearts over baby corn?

[David Wilde]

Baby corn? Really? I like an artichoke heart from an actual artichoke, but the kind at the salad bar, you take a bite into it and it's like there's a cactus in my mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Oh, baby corn.

[David Wilde]

I just like it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so there's no.

[David Wilde]

I prefer to jicama.

[Adam Carolla]

And then the. And then the bizarre. Hearts of palm is the only thing that can possibly give it a run for the money. And I don't even know where you get a heart. To me, hearts of palm is a lateral. The baby corn and the hearts of palm are the two. What are you putting these out for?

[David Wilde]

For me.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. You're the one. I'm the one in the asylum. Mint Mobile summer's just around the corner, and the folks at Mint Mobile have a hot take. Getting your summer body, well, that's out. Getting your savings body, that is. In this spring and summer, we want small wireless bills and fat wallets. And with premium wireless plans, for just 15 bucks a month, you can have both without breaking a sweat or the bank. Mint Mobile is great. I Use it. So many people I know. Use it. You're just throwing money away. If you're not going with Mint Mobile. Say bye to your overpriced wireless plans. Jaw dropping monthly bills and unexpected overages, Mint Mobile is here to rescue you. All plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. It's Mint Mobile. Right, Dawson? This year, skip breaking a sweat and breaking the bank. Get your summer savings and shop Premium Wireless plans and mint mobile.comacs that's mintmobile.comacs upfront payment of 45 for three month five gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 a month new customer offer for three months only. Then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details.

[Dawson]

Stream all the movies and shows you love for free on Pluto tv. Say what now?

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Showtime.

[Dawson]

That means Drama is free. With heart wrenching stories from love and basketball power and Greenleaf.

[Adam Carolla]

In this family we live by the.

[Dawson]

Spirit and laughter is free. With gut busting comedies like Key and Peele, the Neighborhood Everybody Hates Chris and Boomerang. Watch all the hits all for free from all your favorite devices.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God, I love it.

[Dawson]

Feel the free Pluto TV stream now. Pay. Never.

[David Wilde]

All right, Wendy Buchanan says Eddie Vedder, Dr. Drew, Ace man and Oprah. In that order.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's an ass kissing one, but I appreciate it. All right.

[David Wilde]

You think it's ass kissing even though she put Eddie Vedder and Drew ahead of you?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I just felt like I was woven in, but. All right, I see what you're saying. Anyone who wants to meet me doesn't really want to meet Oprah.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Don't be so hard on yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and I'm sorry. No, listen, I love it. I retweeted today something I said which is, I don't appreciate a brown noser. I want a brown forehead and shoulder. I want full dip, full head. I want the full head in there. Yeah.

[David Wilde]

It's like someone said to me, stop agreeing with Adam. It annoys him. I was like, really? What Adam is that?

[Adam Carolla]

Look, listen. People don't notice when you agree with them. They notice when you disagree with them. It's like good driving. They don't really notice when you're moving along. They notice when you're not turning right on the fucking red and it's wide open and you start honking your horn.

[David Wilde]

It's like not smelling bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we don't notice it. Yes, that's exactly right, Josh Green. We agree.

[David Wilde]

I didn't notice that.

[Adam Carolla]

You agreeing? Yes. All right. Josh Green.

[David Wilde]

Okay. He says Fred Noonan, Amelia Earhart's co pilot. Tell him the stereotype about women drivers applies to airplanes too.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm. Edgy.

[David Wilde]

Sick burn.

[Adam Carolla]

Edgy.

[David Wilde]

Fake dispatch says I'd interview the 2006Amanda Bynes and show her photos of the 2013Amanda Bynes to try and warn her.

[Adam Carolla]

That is pretty good. It's pretty good.

[David Wilde]

Scott Glasgow says Elliott Gould to ask him what it was like before he died.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute.

[David Wilde]

Is he threatening him or is he suggesting Elliott Gould's dead?

[Adam Carolla]

Elliot? I don't know. Elliot. I'm fine, thank you. You're fine. So Elliott's fine. Elliot, do you agree with this man's comment? Correct. Oh, you do? Correct. Oh, okay. I didn't know you were a little low energy on my podcast. I think that's what he's talking about. Yes. Yeah, that's kind of what I'm talking about. Now, just a single word answer. Do you think I'm in a shell? No, I'm not accusing you of being in a shell, and I'm just saying is it did the podcast. You're low energy. You know Stone Cold Steve Austin, that's for damn sure. I don't care. Oh, well, you better watch it now, son. Who gives a shit? Oh, Stone Cold gives a shit. That's who gives a shit. You better watch your mouth. They'll take you apart. Oh, yeah, it is. He'll take you apart. He'll find you. I have to be honest. I. I don't know who the he is. He's Stone Cold Steve Austin, one of the greatest wrestlers ever. Ever. Walk in a squared circle and they'll put his fucking extended squeegee up your ass. You keep talking this way. I didn't understand what you just said. Even I have to agree with that. You had to hear the earlier part of the show to get the extended sweet squeegee reference. Obviously, you were tuned out, Ellie. I worked in China also. Okay, well, we talked about that with the baby corn. Anyway, what else do we got?

[David Wilde]

George Thomas says, I'd love to know Gandhi's opinion on shaved bush.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I just laugh.

[David Wilde]

Jeremy Lanassa says, I would like to have a meeting with Glenn Frey and kick him in the nuts again.

[Adam Carolla]

He's just pandering to me. Yeah, he knows I can't stand that dirty laundry. All right, I gotta say, the interview with 2006Amanda Bynes. Yes. With a fake dispatch.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a solid one.

[David Wilde]

Yeah, I mean, but shave bush Is funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Funny.

[Allison Rosen]

Elliott Gould, before he died, was funny to me.

[Bald Brian]

Hard.

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Stone cold. You want to call this one?

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

I gotta go. Amanda Bynes. I mean, the shave bush. You know, teeter, totter back and forth on that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. We all do.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

I gotta go. Amanda Bynes. I mean, she's just turned into a train wreck, God bless her.

[Adam Carolla]

That's pretty well traveled comedic territory with the shave bush. Gandhi material. Yeah, we've all heard it.

[David Wilde]

Did you know that Amanda Bynes tweeted Drew?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I was talking to Dr. Drew, by the way. So who won?

[David Wilde]

Oh, sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. A fake.

[David Wilde]

Fake dispatch.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. When a Logitech HD webcam and some autographed by my assistant Matt. I'm not gonna take the time. Autograph show Swag. I shouldn't have said that. Try GoToMeeting free 30 days. Just visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the Try it free button. Use the promo code. Adam. Yeah. I was doing a show with Drew earlier today. I was doing our show, and he was talking about. He said this innocuous thing about, you know, Amanda should do what Amanda wants.

[David Wilde]

To do to leave her alone, and hopefully she'll get help if she needs it or something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then she tweeted back, called him ugly.

[David Wilde]

Yeah, leave me alone. I think you're ugly. Or something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Except for here's the thing. When you're calling people ugly, and the people you called ugly before that were like, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, then you want to get on that list.

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, that's her ugly list. You know, it's like that Twilight Zone episode where they thought that.

[David Wilde]

Eye of the beholder, right?

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. So if, you know, if they're gonna, you know, make fun of someone, you know, if they called. The last person they called ugly was Danny DeVito, and then they're calling you ugly, you go, maybe I should drop a few. But if they. She calls everyone ugly. She calls beautiful people ugly.

[David Wilde]

That's like your theory about how you shouldn't be put off from sleeping with someone if they slept with, like, a male model before you.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And along the lines of my, you should have assholes think you're an asshole. That's a good time saver. Like, you want people who are truly assholes to think you're an asshole to leave you alone. You shouldn't want assholes to like you. You think you want everyone to like you, Right? Assholes. Next thing you know, you're golfing with an asshole. Right? Stone Cold hate that.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

You got it.

[Adam Carolla]

You learned that at the growling? Yes.

[David Wilde]

And Stone cold Steve Austin. Do you err more on the side of wanting assholes to think you're an asshole or wanting everyone to like you? I'm more in the latter camp.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

You know, That's a good one. You know, I don't know. I'd rather people like me as. As long as they like me for who I am, I ain't gonna try to be anything different. So if they like me, that's. That's cool. If they think I'm an asshole, more power to them. So I'm just. I don't know, I'm kind of just more in tune, I would have to say, just in being myself and let them go accordingly. And at the end of the day, who gives a shit?

[Adam Carolla]

So, Allison, you're saying you want to be universally loved, yet you make your proclamations about baby corn, which you know are turning America against you. I find that interesting dichotomy.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

I don't know if you go so far as to say it turns America against her.

[Adam Carolla]

Would you? I'm under.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Maybe a little strong.

[David Wilde]

She's understating the problem of turning America against her.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm understating the problem.

[Allison Rosen]

He's saying America was already against her right.

[David Wilde]

For my views on architects. This is insane. I will not stand for this.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what else we got?

[David Wilde]

The NSA director says a plot against the New York Stock Exchange, a plot to bomb the New York Stock Exchange was foiled thanks to their surveillance.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, now there's. Now we have to come up with all this shit we've done that we didn't tell us.

[David Wilde]

Yeah, it's like. And it's impossible to know whether this is true or not.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's also what is foiled. You know what I mean? Like, how far along are we talking about? Did you intercept an email from some 19 year old with a fucking axe to grind who was here on a college visa, who was drunk texting or something?

[Allison Rosen]

You know, it'd be a good idea, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Or did we catch guys with explosives and backpacks heading in an unmarked van toward the stock exchange? Like, look, maybe it's. Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. We're gonna hear about all this stuff. I don't really care about the whole NSA listening in part. People always explain to me why I should care about it. But as I say all the time.

[David Wilde]

People are really upset when they encounter people who aren't that upset.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, there's plenty to be upset about as it pertains to the government, this is their attempt to try to prevent another 9 11. And if that's their attempt and a few people, a few narcissists, have a few emails read and things like that along the way, so be it. As I said, when my twins were born, they were both assigned a seven or nine digit number, whatever it was. There's a nine digit number that's called a Social Security number. They literally get assigned a number. You're born in this country, you get a number and that's the government following you via that number. That number must be written on every application, every attempt to get a license of any kind, every medical form, everything. So they're pretty aware of who's running around and what they're doing. And again, it's one big fat rule. You could get back to the. Get back to the bay a lot faster if you drove 100 miles an hour and you're suburban, but you're going to get pulled over and probably get arrested, there's a rule. And if you want to ride with your seatbelt off, there's another ticket. And if you're talking on your device and it's not hands free, there's another ticket. And if you're smoking and ashing out the window, there's another ticket. If you don't have a front license plate, it's another ticket. If you have an illegal limousine tint on your side windows, there's another ticket. And if your kid's in the backseat and under 65 pounds and not properly fitted into a child seat, there's another ticket. So we got some rules. We got 200,000 just pertaining to the automobile alone. I only gave you 150,000 of them because I was trying to make a point and save time and because brevity is the soul of wit. That was only one nostril working on.

[David Wilde]

That one, I could tell you.

[Adam Carolla]

But the point is they know what you're up to. At least they're trying in this case to prevent things. And I'm fine with that. Now when they start, I don't know, singling out journalists whose political views don't jive with theirs and then, you know, then trying to, you know, leak things or something. Now we have an issue. The general, we want to look for words like Al Qaeda, bomb and explosives and you know, they have their keywords. Keywords. I'm fine with that. And if you think about it, do you guys send any emails where you jokingly talk about taking down the Statue of Liberty?

[Allison Rosen]

Not anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't call any of my buddies infidels. Just as kind of a goof. You know, things like that. And as I say all the time, who do you know? Do you know anybody who's had their door kicked in and their computer conversation?

[David Wilde]

No one knows anybody.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, Adam, think about getting all the infidels together to watch the football this weekend.

[Adam Carolla]

Poker night.

[David Wilde]

That sounds like the bomb.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Good old time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The Raiders are gonna wage a jihad on the Raiders. It's gonna be awesome.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You still got that white house? Your house painted white. We're tear that thing down, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there you go.

[Allison Rosen]

The white house.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's a capital idea.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. There you go. Yeah.

[David Wilde]

Trying to make some.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I wish. Look, I. People will explain to me why I should care more whenever. When I see the government, when I see them attempting to do something, I don't care how bad they fuck it up. I had my 7 year old twins try to wash my truck over the weekend. They fucked it up more. And they helped it, right. They're squirting a hose at each other. They're fucking rubbing the same spot over and over again. When they take the spritz. Spritz. Spritzer thing, they push it up against the thing and spritz it. They don't hold it a normal spritz. When does the spritz distance get worked out in a young child's mind? I always said to hold it back. Then they hold it back four feet and it falls on the ground. No, put it up. Then I tried to get the bucket going with the suds, but they're putting everything into the bucket and they're making some bouillabaisse of chemicals. You know, they're putting the rim cleaner in with the suds. They fuck things up. But they were trying to help daddy clean the truck.

[David Wilde]

You're saying that's our government?

[Adam Carolla]

No, here's what I'm saying. Yes. What I'm saying is they were trying to help daddy clean his diesel dually that you can see over there. If you want to see a nice truck. Crew cab, Ford F350. Anyway.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

You like that, pap?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I had Gale Banks breathe on the turbocharger. I got a lot of horsepower coming out of the thing. But the point is this. They did a super shitty job, but their heart was in the right place. Well, not really. They wanted $12 that Daddy had promised that daddy's not paid them because they did a shitty job. But they were Trying to help daddy clean his truck. When the government starts fucking with its citizens, giving out, you know when they take a whole bunch of assholes from high school and say, go up in the hills and look for every car that's by the way, an automatic and put in park and look for everyone whose wheels aren't turned in at more than x 30 degrees on any grade that's more than 4 degrees and give them an $80 ticket. That's the government fucking with us. And that's the government. I hate when they're trying to help clean daddy's truck. Oh, fuck it. Even if they do a shitty job, Fuck it.

[David Wilde]

Let's talk about limo tint for one second. Because I never had any feelings about it really until the other day. I was on the road and I was getting this claustrophobic feeling because I couldn't tell whether traffic was beginning to back up or not. And I realized it's because there's this opaque vehicle in front of me. That's not a van, it's a car with limo tint. And then I started noticing how much I rely on being able to look through the car to see what the traffic in front is doing. And then I thought, is that why limo tint is illegal?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Oh, that's the name of a black porn star from the 90s, by the way. Ever worked limo tint.

[Allison Rosen]

He's a real pro.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, total pro. He'll be missed. He will be missed.

[David Wilde]

And if you have that opaque tint, then aren't you always more at risk of being rear ended?

[Adam Carolla]

The limo tint was the tint is there. And you can do your back windows, but you can't do the driver's side or the passenger side windows.

[David Wilde]

So what I'm getting upset with is actually legal.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You can't have is the tint on your side window. Because you could be a gang banger. You could be sitting in there with your Mac 10 on your lap and sitting next to a cop car and they couldn't see what you were doing on your car, except for you could.

[David Wilde]

Do it out the back window.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you'd have to. You have to have some of your crip or blood or whoever was in your particular gang go sit in the boot. You know what I mean? Yeah, but the cops want to see, when they're coming up to the car, they want to be able to look in and see what's going on in the car.

[David Wilde]

Well, I do too.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to look through the car. Yeah, yeah, I agree. I feel that Way about like all the big SUVs and all the stuff that's out there where I can't see around drives me nuts. I do my braking based on the car that's in front of the car that's in front of me, which is not a great recipe, but that's how I do it. I'm like you, but you get mad.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

When you're driving to your point, when you're behind that car and I'm driving, like you said, through that car and the car that I'm right Behind, there's the 30, 40 foot gap and I'm looking through that windshield thinking, all right asshole, pull up.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

But it's one of those cushion drivers.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

So I'm looking at where I at, but I'm also looking through at what this idiot's doing and that angers me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. No, let me say this. Especially in traffic, there's a rule, and it's a stupid rule, but it's something like, you know, 10ft for every 10 miles an hour you're traveling, or 20ft or something insane. Now if everyone did 20ft for every whatever you're moving in Los Angeles, I'd be up my mom's cunt. That's how far back I'd go. It wouldn't even just be on the freeway. Time would go backward. I would literally go back up my mom's coos. That's where I would go if that's everyone. So fuck that rule. That's right, mom, fuck that. Everyone accordion up. Would you please move on fucking up. And it's all pay attention but move it on up.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

But those cushion drivers, especially when you pull up at a stoplight and you're trying to come out of an intersection in a turn lane and the is 30, 40. Oh, you self serving bastard, pull up so I can get out the damn way before I get rear ended here.

[Adam Carolla]

Leave you in the fucking middle. Yes, they leave you in the psa.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

People on the damn road.

[Adam Carolla]

Psa. Come on, cushion drivers.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

All right, cushion drivers, it's time for you to just get off your brakes and edge on up to that car in front of you. Because believe it or not, there's other on the road who are trying to to get somewhere. They're trying to get to a job so they can pay their bills. They're trying to pick up a loved one over at the daycare or maybe they're going to pick up their kids at school. They had a great day at school trying to get that education you've already given Them that first square meal before you dropped them off so you didn't have to shell out taxpayers. 33 cents to feed that little bastard. So you're doing the right thing. Everybody ease on up there. Remember, there's other people on the road. Road. Don't be a cushion driver. Put your foot on the goddamn. I've just totally fucked that up. We gotta fix this in post.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we'll dig it out. It's good.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

We can make it better.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you got it.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

All right. But anyway, back on that train, I thought. Come on, everybody. We got places to do, we got places to go. We got things to do. Haul ass, be safe.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't like to be safe part. Let's try it again.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

All right, everybody, speed up. Lessen the cushion. Haul ass, Try to be safe.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm putting. Where's your mouth? Haul ass. Shake your ass or I'll shake it for you.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

And that's the bottom line. Thank you. It took a tag team to do it. I got stomped on the cushion driver. I blew it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's all right. That's all right. You know what it is? It was too close to you.

[David Wilde]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You were too passionate.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Oh, yeah. It was. Personally, I mean, I started reliving this whole thing. I started sweating.

[Adam Carolla]

This is like your son.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Seat belt. I got to put this son playing.

[Adam Carolla]

Quarterback in crunch time. You're running out in the field. You're losing your mind. It was too close. You're too passionate about the cushion drivers.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

I'm going to. I'm going to canceling after this.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Straight to canceling.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Hopefully without that pad between the car in front of you and yours. All right, let's bring it home, baby girl.

[David Wilde]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, C.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Stone Cold. Always a plot.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

It's all about the neuroplasticity. That's my word of the day. Thank you for having me here again.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you for showing up. And until next time is Adam Carolla for David Wilde. Stone Cold Steve Austin, Alec Wilde, Allison Rosenbault, Brian Saying. Mahalo.

[Dawson]

Stream all the movies and shows you love for free on Pluto tv.

[Allison Rosen]

Say what now?

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Showtime.

[Dawson]

That means drama is free. With heart wrenching stories from love and basketball power and green leaf.

[Adam Carolla]

In this family, we live by the.

[Dawson]

Spirit and laughter is free. With gut busting comedies like Key and Peele. The neighborhood everybody hates. Chris and Boomerang. Watch all the hits all for free from all your favorite devices.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God, I love it.

[Dawson]

Feel the free Pluto TV Stream now, pay never. Stream all the movies and shows you love for free on Pluto tv.

[Allison Rosen]

Say what now?

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Showtime?

[Dawson]

That means drama is free? With heart wrenching stories from love and basketball power and green leaf?

[Adam Carolla]

In this family we live by the.

[Dawson]

Spirit and laughter is free? With gut busting comedies like Key and Peele? The neighborhood Everybody hates Chris and Boomerang? Watch all the hits all for free from all your favorite devices?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God, I love it.

[Dawson]

Feel the free Pluto tv Stream now, pay never.