Teresa Strasser + Jordan Morris (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show: Teresa Strasser + Jordan Morris (Carolla Classics) – Detailed Summary

Release Date: May 10, 2025

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1. Introduction to Carolla Classics

The episode titled "Teresa Strasser + Jordan Morris (Carolla Classics)" brings back some of the most memorable moments from the Adam Carolla Show’s 16-year history. Hosted by Adam Carolla, the show features unfiltered humor, candid discussions, and interactions with a diverse range of guests. In this classic episode, Teresa Strasser and Jordan Morris join Adam for an engaging and humorous conversation.

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2. Adam Carolla’s Frustration with Los Angeles Police (00:00 - 19:50)

Adam opens the discussion by sharing a personal anecdote about a frustrating encounter with the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD). He recounts an incident where a drunk driver totaled his car and his subsequent dissatisfaction with how the police handled the situation.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla (04:11):

  "I'm a better driver than my mom. Shit faced."

• Adam Carolla (07:23):

  "We need everyone to unite and demand that the LAPD stop harassing us."

He vents about the inefficiency and corruption he perceives within the LAPD, criticizing their focus on generating revenue through petty fines and fees rather than serving and protecting the community.

Key Points:

• Inefficiency of the LAPD: Adam criticizes the LAPD for prioritizing revenue generation over community service.
• Personal Experience: Describes his traumatic experience of witnessing his car being destroyed and the lackluster response from law enforcement.
• Systemic Issues: Highlights broader systemic problems, including over-policing and the misuse of public funds.

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3. Guest Segment: Greg Fitzsimmons’ Stories (01:16 - 38:27)

Greg Fitzsimmons, a longtime friend and guest, shares various humorous and nostalgic stories from his career in comedy and interactions with celebrities.

Notable Quotes:

• Greg Fitzsimmons (01:48):

  "Hope you guys enjoy. Good day, Bald Bryant."

• Greg Fitzsimmons (32:07):

  "Nobody can do what you do. Nobody can improvise that fast."

Adam reminisces about early days in show business, including a memorable encounter with Henry Winkler (The Fonz), who praised Adam’s improvisational skills.

Key Points:

• Encounter with Henry Winkler: Greg recounts Adam meeting Henry Winkler backstage, receiving high praise for his comedic talent.
• Interaction with Axl Rose: Greg mentions meeting Axl Rose, highlighting Adam’s unexpected celebrity interactions.
• Stand-up Updates: Greg provides updates on his upcoming comedy shows and special events, promoting his performances at venues like the West Palm Beach Improv and the Laugh Factory.

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4. Comedy and Stereotypes Discussion (38:27 - 60:57)

The conversation shifts to a comedic exploration of racial and sexual stereotypes, particularly focusing on perceptions in pornography.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla (57:00):

  "If you're gonna use peanut butter or any kind of condiment lipstick, you're in the clear."

• Greg Fitzsimmons (59:58):

  "They don't let a black guy with a small penis into porn."

Adam and Greg humorously debate the exaggeration of stereotypes in the adult film industry, discussing the portrayal of different races and sexual orientations.

Key Points:

• Stereotypes in Pornography: The guests joke about how certain racial stereotypes are perpetuated in adult films, arguing that only exaggerated physiques are represented.
• Impact on Perception: They discuss how these portrayals affect societal perceptions of different groups.
• Humorous Analogies: Use of exaggerated scenarios to highlight the absurdity of stereotypes.

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5. News Highlights with Allison Rosen (60:57 - 111:23)

Allison Rosen, the show’s news anchor, presents various news segments interspersed with the comedic banter.

Segment Breakdown:

• Iowa Caucus Analysis (41:16 - 44:16):

  • Coverage of the Iowa caucus results, highlighting the tight race between Romney, Paul, and Santorum.
  • Notable Quote:

    "More than one third said that the federal budget deficit is the most important thing to them." (41:32)

• Hate Crime Incident (143:44 - 150:00):

  • Discussion about an arsonist case involving a mother and her son from Germany, which included anti-Semitic acts like drawing swastikas with maple syrup.
  • Notable Quote:

    "We heard you." (50:38)

• Pippa Middleton Incident (154:37 - 160:01):

  • Report on an incident involving Pippa Middleton pointing a gun at paparazzi in Paris.
  • Notable Quote:

    "You're a mean Will Arnett." (177:50)

• Celebrity Diet Trends (175:23 - 190:01):

  • Coverage of extreme dieting methods, including inserting feeding tubes for weight loss.
  • Notable Quote:

    "It's a hunger-free diet." (176:19)

Key Points:

• Political Updates: Insightful take on the dynamics of the Iowa caucus and voter priorities.
• Crime Reporting: Critical view on how certain hate crimes are evaluated legally, emphasizing inconsistencies.
• Celebrity News: Analysis of recent high-profile incidents involving celebrities and their implications.
• Health and Lifestyle: Skeptical perspective on extreme dieting trends, critiquing their practicality and safety.

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6. Interactive and Humorous Bits (111:23 - 164:39)

The episode features a blend of interactive humor, personal stories, and comedic sketches involving the hosts and guests.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla (130:57):

  "Put the tools on the new carpet right next to the towel that was spread out. So this time it's..."

• Greg Fitzsimmons (84:37):

  "Waiting for your grandkids someday."

• Jordan Morris (165:50):

  "You're going to get caught trying to sump back."

Key Points:

• Parental Anecdotes: Adam shares humorous mishaps related to parenting, including eating his son's leftovers.
• Comedic Storytelling: Greg and Jordan recount funny experiences from their personal lives and careers, adding to the episode's lighthearted tone.
• Interactive Jokes: The hosts engage in playful banter and improvisational jokes, enhancing the show’s dynamic atmosphere.

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7. Closing Remarks and Promotions (164:40 - End)

As the episode wraps up, Adam promotes various sponsors and upcoming events, maintaining the show's signature humorous style.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Carolla (170:38):

  "We are horrible. And that's what happens when there's no competition and no one ever corrects you."

• Allison Rosen (188:43):

  "You can do it with a handful of Mike and Ikes."

Key Points:

• Sponsor Promotions: Brief advertisements for companies like Amazon, Musicians Friend, and ScoreBig, integrated seamlessly into the conversation.
• Upcoming Events: Promotion of Greg Fitzsimmons’ comedy specials at the Laugh Factory and other venues.
• Final Jokes: The episode concludes with more comedic exchanges, leaving listeners entertained and engaged.

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8. Conclusion

This Carolla Classics episode encapsulates the essence of the Adam Carolla Show—blending personal anecdotes, guest interactions, comedic discussions, and timely news segments. Teresa Strasser and Jordan Morris contribute to the lively atmosphere, making it an engaging listen for both long-time fans and new listeners alike.

Overall Themes:

• Critique of Authority: Adam’s dissatisfaction with systemic issues within the LAPD sets a tone of rebellion and challenge against established norms.
• Humor and Stereotypes: A recurring theme of using humor to dissect and challenge societal stereotypes, particularly in media representations.
• Personal and Relatable Stories: The blend of personal experiences and relatable stories fosters a connection with the audience.
• Interactive and Dynamic Format: The show's interactive nature, with real-time banter and guest contributions, keeps the content fresh and engaging.

Final Notable Quote:

• Adam Carolla (169:29):

  "Why are we so defensive? What's this fucking posture? And how come we can't learn?"

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This summary provides a comprehensive overview of the "Teresa Strasser + Jordan Morris (Carolla Classics)" episode, highlighting key discussions, notable quotes, and the dynamic interplay between hosts and guests.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Brian Bishop]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Brian Bishop]

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[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to Cruel Classics.

[Giovanni]

I'm your host, super fan Giovanni.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the podcast we play the.

[Giovanni]

Best moments, highlights and fans like the.

[Adam Carolla]

Clips from all 16 years of the Adam Carolla Show. If you'd like to request a clip, please email us [e-mail] we have a companion podcast titled Cult Classics with ad free archives available through Podcast one Premium. You can also find ad free archives.

[Giovanni]

For the Adam Carolla show, The Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

And Dr. Drew show, as well as exclusive access to the brand new show.

[Giovanni]

Beat it out through Adam Carolla's substack.

[Adam Carolla]

Adamcarolla.Substack.Com make sure to check it out and subscribe.

[Giovanni]

Alright, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Carolla Show 737. This one's from 2012 featuring Greg Fitzsimmons.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop. Hope you guys enjoy. Good day, Bald Bryant. I love me some me. Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Did your mother drive you?

[Allison Rosen]

Mm, well, Gary referred to her as Newsmom because she was out there on her iPad.

[Adam Carolla]

Working the news.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, working the story. Working the beat.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw the fedora.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh yeah, I know, with the press. Yeah, she has one of those old fashioned cameras too. With a giant poof.

[Giovanni]

The cigar was a little much.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I thought so too.

[Adam Carolla]

Now she's driving you.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. And I feel like why ever not have this happen?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I just drive. Are you on the vicinity?

[Allison Rosen]

I am.

[Adam Carolla]

You're on the Vicodin right now?

[Allison Rosen]

Right now I am.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't feel like you can drive on the Vicodin?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I'm down in Orange county because that's where the hospital was and the people who were taking care of me, so it's a long drive. But I did do some practice driving today and I'm fine. Don't tell my mom.

[Adam Carolla]

You mean News Mom.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't tell News mom.

[Adam Carolla]

Scoop. Your daughter's lazy.

[Giovanni]

I will say as someone who I was driving around myself for six months or eight months or almost a year. Maybe I forgot what it was, but it's.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, good, the bar is real high.

[Giovanni]

It's a slippery slope, man. You start to really, like, enjoy being driven now.

[Allison Rosen]

When did you start washing yourself in the shower?

[Giovanni]

That is the one of the few things I always did. But you know what I couldn't do was dry myself off. My left arm was so weak I couldn't physically reach all the way around myself. So I was choking.

[Allison Rosen]

You pussy.

[Giovanni]

No, I could wash myself, but I couldn't be dried.

[Adam Carolla]

Mmm. Drip dry.

[Giovanni]

That's exactly right.

[Adam Carolla]

Hang yourself on a clothesline.

[Giovanni]

That's why I got a dog.

[Adam Carolla]

I always drive Vicodin. Or not.

[Allison Rosen]

You're a good driver.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not a great message to send to the kids, but I've circled the globe buzzed or altered or whatever. But you know, I'm better altered. Like, here's the thing. It's a message. No, here's what I'm saying. Maybe a poor example after last weekend, but Brock Lesnar could kick your ass. Even if he was shit faced because he's a good fighter. Brock Lesnar could have 14 beers in him and he'd be vomiting in between pummeling the shit out of you. He couldn't beat another guy who was as good as him, but he'd built. I'm a better driver than my mom. Shit faced.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? Like, even if you were under General, you're still a better driver than I am. If I'm sober.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

And I'm not. Right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucked up under General was my gay porn name. I used to have a whole outfit and everything. All right. Speaking of the man. Oh, Jesus Christ in heaven. I never stop complaining about what a piece of shit LA is and how horrible the cops are. And I have been saying this for years, that the cops in LA and now in the rest of basically the United States have went from protecting and serving to fundraising. And if there's nothing in it for them, they're not so interested. And I noticed this some years ago, 15, maybe 17 years ago, when my car was completely destroyed. I'd never really had any situations with the law other than chicken shit tickets. But I've never called 911 or went to them and said, hey, now, I need your help on something. But as it turns out, a drunk driver just completely totaled my car. And then he tried to take off, and then he took off on foot, and then he didn't want to pay.

[Giovanni]

Were you on the phone with Kimmel?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. When I was on the phone with Kimmel, yeah. I watched it happen. I was standing on my balcony, look at my car and I saw a guy just completely destroy it. And it was so loud that Jimmy, who was in New York, said, what was that? I mean, he didn't hear it in New York, but you know what I'm.

[Allison Rosen]

Saying, he may have.

[Adam Carolla]

He said, what was that? And I said, that was the sound of my car being destroyed. And he said, no, seriously. Because I was so calm about it, I said, no, seriously, my car has just gotten destroyed. As a matter of fact, I'm looking at the guy who jumped up on the curb and is on the lawn of my apartment building on the first floor balcony, just looking at him. And he's now backing out and dragging his smashed in car with the radiator and the two popped front tires and the spark shooting out and everything like that. At a certain point we ended up in court. And we were sitting in court in the beautiful Van Nuys courtroom and. And they have a little picket fence and that little picket fence. It's a little banister that sort of runs between the judge and it's basically, you're on that side and we're on this side, and everyone on that side is the enemy. I don't care.

[Allison Rosen]

Picket fences.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't care. If you're like a model whose jealous boyfriend burned your face with acid. It doesn't matter. You're a troublemaker because you got them out of bed and they're not making any money off of you today. Normally they make money off of me. There's permits and fees and no front license plates and taxes and levies and all kinds of penalties. And I'm to them a piggy bank. But every once in a fucking blue moon, I have to say to them, actually, I'm a checkbook. Every once in a while I say to them, I need you guys to do something for me. And the answer is like, wait a minute, I don't get it. Where's your checkbook? So when this guy destroyed my car many years ago, I, at a certain point, like, got up and I said, excuse me, do you have any idea? And it was like, I got the. Sit, sir, sit down. Sit down. And I got the. Listen, I'm not the problem here. I'm the victim, sir. Sit down. And I was like, I don't know why.

[Allison Rosen]

I just found you in contempt of court.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Why are you using that tone with me? I'm the victim here. I'm the person that had his property destroyed. And I got the. You know, sir, I. And that's when I realized I'm part of the problem. And then when I said to him, they worked out an accounting thing with the guy where he would pay in $250 a month until my Kelley Blue Book $3,700 Toyota was paid off or something. And I said to him stuff like, well, how do we know when he's done paying it off? And they're like, we don't have any way of figuring that out. I'm like, really? Because you have. If I have an expired license, the guy goes back to his car, punches my name into the computer, and the thing starts flashing dollar signs. You don't have any way to account how much money he's putting in when he owes me 3,500 bucks, like, when he gets it there. No, we don't do that. They turn into retarded chimpanzees when it comes to you. And I've always known this about the city, and I've always said this about the city, and I've always said about the cops and knock it off. Stop harassing us. We're not criminals, L.A. you feel like a criminal when you drive. You drive with your fucking head on a swivel. You drive constantly. I'm staring at a radar detector. If I'm going four miles, L.A. is the only fucking city where. If a cop. And this happened to me yesterday, coming over the airport, if it's 55 on the freeway and the cops going 53, no one will pass them. That doesn't fucking happen in Texas. It happens in la. Because somehow we've worked out a relationship with the people we pay to protect us, that there's some kind of racket. It's like they're the fucking mob now. And we don't want to get our window broken or have an accident or break a leg, if you know what I mean. So I never ask anything of these people other than just to leave us the fuck alone with their chicken shit. J Walking Tickets. And I've said it. And as I screamed at my wife, who was at her fucking wits end with the lapd. And I'll tell you why I said it's not their fault. It's everyone else's but my fault. Because I. I have been talking about what chicken shit pussies these guys are for 16 years on the radio, and no one else will say a fucking word. They're all just heroes. They're all fucking heroes. Nobody says a word. Everyone needs to unite and we need to say to the LAPD and the Glendale PD and the Burbank PD and all the fucking pd, knock it off. We're not the problem. Stop fucking squeezing us like a bar rag trying to get a nickel out of us, you cheap fox.

[Giovanni]

You think the worm will ever turn? Like they'll. They'll wrong enough. Everyone at some point will have been wronged by the police. You know what I mean? Like, they'll have harassment.

[Adam Carolla]

They had to get rid of the convenience. They had to get rid of the. They had to get rid of the cameras and the intersection because people. Because they got greedy and they calibrated them so that they went off a little too quick. And the tickets were like 500 bucks. And people said, fuck it. I'm not. I mean, they got. They did what they did with business. They got too greedy. They got too. Oh, you. You want to open a business, then you need. You need a handicap elevator that goes to the dumpster in case a retarded raccoon wants to fuck in it. And someone said, fuck it. I'm moving to Texas. They get too greedy and people move.

[Allison Rosen]

Same thing with Kelly Thomas. When they're. When their aggression is too egregious, then people freak out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And they got. They got. That was a guy with the mental disorder that literally was killed at the hands of the pd. But they get too greedy with the red light cameras. They go, hey, we'll put a camera on every intersection. Hey, everyone who goes through a millisecond too late will be hit with what should we charge them $189? No, let's charge them $450. Yeah, we'll get rich. Except for everyone moves to Texas and starts their business there. Their version of moving to Texas is nobody could pay it. All the poor Mexicans that were going through, they can't pay $450. That's two weeks fucking pay after taxes. Not that they're paying taxes, but you know what I'm saying, Hypoth. LAPD and LA county and all the municipalities around have just basically turned into money raising. I've told you, the only thing that works in this city with any efficiency at all is parking enforcement. Nothing else. Go down to the Department of Building and Safety. It's like, oh, get in line, take a number, come back next week. Anything else that you need from the city, get in fucking line. But parking enforcement, leave your car out, run into the store, run back out, boom, ticket on it. It's the only. Because it's a money raiser. All right? So I pay a shitload in taxes. Perhaps I brought that up before. I never use a goddamn thing. I don't.

[Allison Rosen]

I wonder where this one's gonna go.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I don't use. I don't go to that place where they hide the books. That place. Call over the bums, pee, and look at the magazines on the wicker shorts. Yeah, it doesn't have the word book in it, so it's always confusing to me. But the point is, I don't use anything but once in a blue. I've called 911 twice now. I called one time because there was a crazy person whose VW motor home or their VW camper bus broke down on a steep hill and people were like, almost gonna hit this crazy old woman. And I ended up going and getting the gas can for her, whatever, but that the only time I called 911. But my wife had to call 911 when I was out doing a gig in Anaheim a week or so ago. Why? A very drunken man crashed into the wall outside of my house. And there's a picture of the very drunken man's car. And airbags went off, whole nine yards. This guy was shit faced and he was so drunk he crashed in my house. And it's probably about 9:30, 10:00 clock at night. And my wife was home alone with my two kids. So she called 911 and they gave her the, well, how bad is it? And she said, I don't know. The guy's disoriented, he's maybe drunk. He seems like he may be hurt. Well, is he, you know, is he hurt or is he injured? It was that kind of thing. It was like, I've never heard that before. It was really. Well, it wasn't the football coach one, but it was really like, how bad is it? Like, we're not sending a fucking cruiser over. I want to see. I want to find a fucking artery that's just shooting blood all over the fucking windshield. And my wife's like, I got My two kids, I'm not going down there.

[Allison Rosen]

To investigate or crashed into your house.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy's fucking shit faced. What do you want me to do? Fucking do a shoulder roll and rappel down the wall and kick the door open with a fucking flare lit?

[Allison Rosen]

It would be nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yank the guy out of the car, the guy's fucked up. And so how about you send someone over? And they're like, yeah, well we're gonna need a little more on that before we basically, this is not bad enough to merit a cop car coming to your house. So they hang up the phone then. And this is the beauty, this is the beauty of it. The neighbor lady who's heard the ruckus who's now walking out there is, got her flashlight, the guy's destroyed.

[Allison Rosen]

She have her hair in rollers?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, yes. And she's wearing a house coat of course, and fuzzy slippers. And the guy's disoriented. He's disoriented cuz he's drunk and he's disoriented because he's been in a pretty bad accident. And she yells up to my wife, I called 911. And my wife said, yeah, we called 911 too. And then she said, yeah, they're really rude. And my wife said, yeah, they're really rude to us too. Meaning they don't want to be hassled with your non money gigs, you know what I'm saying? This is not a money maker for them.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not like the person who answers the phone is gonna have to hop in the car themselves.

[Adam Carolla]

No motherfuckers, no fucking la. They're the rudest. We're the rudest.

[Giovanni]

I just put some muffins in the oven.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, I know. Oh, it's my day off, can you.

[Allison Rosen]

Call back in five minutes?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm on my shell, I'm playing with my niece in a swimming pool, dog's.

[Allison Rosen]

Going crazy, the bachelor's on.

[Adam Carolla]

You just pay and pay and pay one of the highest tax percentages in the United States. And then when you call, you get fucking attitude.

[Allison Rosen]

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[Brian Bishop]

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Brian Bishop]

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Brian Bishop]

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Brian Bishop]

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[Allison Rosen]

There won't be an encore.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Allison Rosen]

Say this guy had died. Aren't they liable? You know, I mean, like the fact that they won't come out for something. Don't they have any responsibility?

[Adam Carolla]

There's no accountability. Like there's everyone at the airport's a Dick, everyone who answers 91 1's a cunt. Like nobody's friendly. Everyone's like, there's no. And again, you are basically, here's what you are. They're a store and you're trying to return something. It's a little bit different. When you're going in there to buy a suit. It's like, oh yes sir, no sir, what do you need? Now you're coming back with a dress going, you know what? I don't. And now they're, now you're getting, well, we won't give cash back. Do you have a receipt? We don't because there's a huge difference to the guy behind the counter. It's money coming in or money going out. And it's constantly money coming in. All the chicken shit jaywalking tickets, all the no front license plate tickets, all the five mile an hour over the post speed limits, all the fucking cameras they tried to rape the citizens with. All of that is money coming in. But 911, that's money coming out. So then you kind of get the. Did you wear the dress? Because if you wore the dress, and if so was it pulled over your head in the backseat of a Nova? I mean, so now it's 20 questions. Well, how bad is it?

[Allison Rosen]

And they're looking at the bottom of the shoes.

[Adam Carolla]

It's at night and my wife's home alone with the kids and she says the guy's disoriented and I think he's drunk. And by the way, I pass all these fucking signs that say report drunk driving. Buzz driving is drunk driving, which I would argue vehemently against, but it's nothing but drunk driving. So she yells down to the guy I called 91 1. And he goes and gets his bottles and throws them into the bushes.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, thanks for the warning.

[Adam Carolla]

Special picture of his Jack Daniels bottle that he went and threw in the bushes. A cruiser never shows up. It never shows up. It never comes out.

[Giovanni]

And is she sure he called 911?

[Adam Carolla]

Her and the neighbor called 911. And it's not like we're not living in a fucking bracket where we have to bend over and spread our cheeks every month.

[Allison Rosen]

She said she was the wife of a very important podcaster.

[Adam Carolla]

It's such a fucking piece of shit. I mean, the amount that I pay in property fucking taxes is fucking ridiculous. And it's not like I'm off in the edge of town. I'm right in the fucking middle of the city. And no, nobody. So what happens? Eventually the OnStar tow truck guy, because when the airbag went off, the OnStar guy was alerted, shows up.

[Allison Rosen]

It's actually a British woman.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's the greatest. Driving a tow truck. The greatest thing ever for this dude. This guy is obviously drunk enough to crash into a stationary stucco covered object head on and completely fucking blottoed and took the. Literally took the bottle of Jack Daniels out and chucked it in the bushes. And then the onstar guy just comes and picks him up and drives him home. And no. 9 1. Now here's my point. What I would like to do is the next time I'm about to cut a check for several hundred thousand dollars and a lot of that's going to the city of Los Angeles. I want to go, hey, guess what? I'm going to keep ten grand. I would be fucking arrested if I did that. But I want to say I'm going to keep ten grand. You want to know why? A security deposit car over, you assholes.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like a security deposit you're withholding. What's likely yours.

[Adam Carolla]

You didn't send a car, so I want to keep some money. I need to buy my own cop. I need my own 912 service. Because you ass, cunt, fuck licks don't send anybody over.

[Allison Rosen]

Apparently that's onstar.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Jesus Christ. What a piece of shit this city is. And my wife said, can you believe it? And I said, fuck, yes, I can believe it. I've been dealing with the department of building and safety for the last fucking 15 years. Of course. And then she said, well. And that's when I said, it's everyone else's fault but mine. Everyone else's. Every fucking pussy. Morning DJ who doesn't take a stand against these assholes. Everybody who has a voice, everybody has a microphone. Everyone who does a show and never stops calling these fucking lazy self entitled pricks heroes. We need to get together, demand that these guys get off their fucking collective asses and do their jobs and start serving the citizens.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you want everyone to go to their window and yell something and then the pigeons can fly away?

[Giovanni]

Adam, this is radio.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I'm mad as heck. Cause I'm gonna clean it up. Cause my voice out there, I realized I raised my voice a little bit. Reel it in.

[Allison Rosen]

You're mad as heck and.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm moving to Seattle. This has got to be the shittiest city. I mean, it's not the shittiest city. It's the shittiest city. Bang for your buck. It's like the most expensive cable with the least amount of channels. It's not the worst cable. It's the most money for what you get in return. Which is, by the way, attitude, rude. The 911, I mean, it was corroborated by the neighbor who called up and said, yeah, the person was rude. Another person, they don't get the same operator.

[Allison Rosen]

I just don't understand. I mean, what if there had been some guy out there and she felt scared because he was trying to break in or something? What would they have done? You know?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, well, you need to lie. You need to say the guy's got. He's got covered in AIDS and he has a machete.

[Giovanni]

An AIDS machete.

[Adam Carolla]

He has an AIDS machete. Another one of my gay porn names did not last nearly as long as General, Under.

[Allison Rosen]

Under.

[Adam Carolla]

General, Under, General. Yeah. AIDS Machete.

[Allison Rosen]

General, over, under was your porn.

[Adam Carolla]

Very short stint. I only did two weeks with that. So it was like 41 movies. Yeah, AIDS machete.

[Giovanni]

Then he caught pneumonia.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's what you have to say. You have to say he's got a gun or he's bleeding profusely or something. You have to lie. You have to ratchet it up. You saying there's just been an act? Someone hit my house. And the guy seems disoriented and drunk. That's not enough. And then they do this thing where they're like. Well, then they called back, like, two hours later. Like, is he gone two hours later? According to my wife, maybe it was an hour later. Let's see how the movie ended. How's it going over there? You dead yet? Are the twins alive? How's it going? Did they bleed out? What happened? I gotta know.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, they probably had money riding on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And they were like, you know. They basically said, you know, the cop cars are kind of far away from where you are, but it's like, what.

[Allison Rosen]

Like trying to get a taxi.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't. I don't know. And you have plenty of cops. They're parked up Beechwood Canyon and they're holding radar guns and they're giving soccer moms chicken shit tickets.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what you should do. If you need cop attention. You should have a friend speed near your house.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God, can you fucking believe that story?

[Allison Rosen]

No, it's. It's. It's unbelievable and it's upsetting.

[Giovanni]

I've never heard of that. Like, some, like, the 911 operator asking you the severity of your emergency. Like, the joke is always like, 911, can you please hold? I don't think it actually happens, but, like, oh, how bad is it? That's horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you know anyone who works for 911?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

It's one of those jobs where. Where are these people?

[Adam Carolla]

They fuck. They're the people that are too rude and have too much attitude and to.

[Allison Rosen]

Work at the airport.

[Adam Carolla]

Pass the Wonderlic test, to work at the fucking airport. I'm saying that LA weather. All right, listen, fuck all you guys that do this. Oh, hey, guy. Hey. And you, rich guy in your expensive car. Everyone's got a kiss. Fuck up. Forget you. Forget you. Listen, the. Every single person, security at the airport, security on the lots, as I've said, on the parking lots, on the lots where you shoot stuff. Everybody in a booth, every fucking human, all the 911 operators, everyone who has to interface with everyone. The cops are dicks in la. Everybody in LA that is employed by the city's a fucking dick. And I'm saying knock it the fuck off. And it's what happens when there's no competition and no one ever corrects you. Your behavior, they need to be corrected. Somebody needs to tell the. At the fudge face over at lax, hey, drop the fucking attitude. And the smurf knows over at 911. I'm gonna need your name and I'm gonna need your supervisor's number. Because I need to talk to him or her about you and your horrible attitude. We all need to start doing this. We have to reclaim the city back. Cause other cities don't work this way. We're fucking horrible. And part of it is a sort of an ethnic thing. Like there's just. There's basically just a bunch of folks who. English is their second language or they're fucking pissed off at the man or whatever it is who are manning those positions. So. And there's a. There's a white guilt too, where it's like no one's gonna tell the mother of 19 who has her old man stepped out on her to fucking get her shit together.

[Allison Rosen]

She's 19 or she has 19 kids?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, kids.

[Giovanni]

You know, I just thought of you always. You always hear the 911 calls of some emergency on the news. I think there's a freedom of information thing where you can. Yeah, everyone's supposed to be able to access those only if you cut your.

[Allison Rosen]

Finger and your seven year old son calls on your behalf.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right.

[Giovanni]

Listeners who are lawyers, can someone acquire that 911? I would love to hear it. I'd love to hear them.

[Adam Carolla]

I would too.

[Allison Rosen]

He's trying to fact check you.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, no, I want to hear it. That'd be hilarious.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what it's going to sound like. And the real one, though, it's going to sound like my. My. I'll. I'll play my wife and I'll be. You'll be the 911 operator. No, actually, Brian, you're gonna need to be the nine. You're gonna be a dude.

[Giovanni]

Nine one emergency.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, this is Lynette. A guy just ran his Buick into the side of my house. But by the way, what are you wearing?

[Giovanni]

You sound hot, man. This line is served for emergency cause.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, anyway, he's disoriented.

[Giovanni]

Okay. Any visible sign of injury?

[Adam Carolla]

Blood?

[Giovanni]

Is he conscious?

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds like somebody needs a blowjet.

[Giovanni]

That's neither here nor there. It's possible. Get back to your emergency. Is this guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I bet you send a couple. And by the way, don't send one of those guys with the gut on him. I want one of the buff dudes who's on the creatine to come on out, man.

[Giovanni]

It's not customary to request the physique you like in an officer. Maybe a female officer.

[Adam Carolla]

You know those rip away shirts I always see at the clubs where they just rip them? The pants and the shirt just come off. Could you send that guy?

[Giovanni]

Ma' am, I need your address immediately. This man would be dying.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? Have him meet me at the park and scene. Boy, wouldn't that be embarrassing?

[Allison Rosen]

It really would.

[Adam Carolla]

That'd be embarrassing.

[Allison Rosen]

I would hope in that state, she at least had the good sense to request someone from a calendar.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's who they should send.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Summer months.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we forgot the end of the call. Kids are asleep. They'll be okay for a few hours. I'll bring a six pack. I'll see a bluff side. Okay, now, where were we? Oh, Fitzsimmons is here. We got some phone calls. Let me take one quick call here. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Adam. How's it going, man? Oh, Jordan calling from Fres? No, it's one of your favorite places, Adam. You know, it's a horrible, horrible, horrible town. But I bet the 911 operators are better than they are in LA. And, well, they're busy. Sell it out every time. Love that crowd. Hey, well, Fresno loves you, man. Home of the working man. Oh, boy. And ladies.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Adam, the question I had for you was at what point did you realize that you were no longer a carpenter and you're a comedian? It's really hard to quantify that. But I will tell you that one of the very first KROQ acoustic Christmases I ever went to was about six months after I started doing Burcham. And everyone loved Mr. Burcham, and I was just wandering around backstage. And when you're in radio, you're a civilian because no one knows who you are or what you look like unless you're Howard Stern. But when you're Mr. Burcham, especially a 31 year old Adam Carolla did not look like Mr. Burcham before the Internet too. So, yeah, no one has any idea. So I'm walking around and I'm backstage just holding a beer, just walking around and getting ready to see some Marcy playground and, yeah, sex and candy. And I come and I'm just walking around backstage holding a beer and, you know, I'm still a carpenter and a boxing instructor at this point. I'm making 50 bucks a bit doing Mr. Burcham or it's free. And I come walking past like a small group of people. That have huddled around a smallish man. And I hear him sort of going, buzza Buzza Burchum or something. And then somebody goes, hey, Henry, here he is. And then someone kind of grabs my shoulder and goes, come here, come here, Adam. Come here. I want you to meet someone. And then there's Henry Winkler standing there. Now, I grew up, you know, when you're fucking civilian. And the Fonz is standing there, you know, and night shift and everything. And there's Henry Winkler. And he's standing there and he goes, are you Mr. Burcham? And I said, yes, I am, Mr. Burch. I mean, he gives me the double handshake, you know, the super Menchie. I'm gonna put both hands on your thing. And he just looks at me and he goes, nobody can do what you do. And I said, really? And he said, nobody? Nobody's that fast. Nobody can improvise that fast. Nobody. I listened to you every morning when driving my son in there, every Tuesday and Thursday or whenever it was. And nobody does what you do. Nobody can do that. And I was like, oh, my God, the fucking Fonz was giving me a ball. I mean, a real penny shining.

[Giovanni]

How long after that was he diagnosed with dementia?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it was. Well, obviously it was early onset. At that point, were there four non.

[Allison Rosen]

Blondes sitting on his lap? What was going on backstage?

[Adam Carolla]

They were like, hey, what's going on? All right. So that was.

[Giovanni]

Nice guy, though, like, genuinely having.

[Adam Carolla]

When you're. When you're used. Oh, the nicest guy in the world. Most complimentary, obviously. He's a very complimentary, friendly guy. But when you're a civilian and you've been swinging a hammer your whole life, and the fucking Fonz walks up to.

[Allison Rosen]

You, develops your hand in his.

[Adam Carolla]

You are gifted. You've been touched by God. I was like, holy shit, the Fonz. The Fonz is talking about me. The Fonz.

[Allison Rosen]

Look at.

[Adam Carolla]

And the next. I think that also that same one. I ran into a Guns N Roses. No, it was Ralph. I ran into Duff, you know, or one of the Guns N Roses guys. And he said something like, Axl was making fun of you the other day or saying something about you. And I was like, axl Rose is talking about me now. I'm a carpenter, you know. So it's like the. I got the Fonz over here. And then Axl Rose was, you know, repeating something I said or making a joke about. He just brought me up like, you're like that guy or something. I Was like, axl Rose knows who I am. You know, this is 1995. 94. So you know Guns N Rose. Holy shit. So that was enough. I should have killed myself right then and there because you know what? Right fucking long slide downhill. People love Bertram too. I mean, they did one of my buddies just walk around all the time and we're talking randomly launch into a virgin, you know, act. So it's pretty fun. People identify with that, you know. Listen, I don't need compliments from you. I got Axl Rose and the Fonz. Sorry, Jordan from. By the way, you think I'm going to tell that story? Let's see. Greatest compliments of my life. Well, Axl Rose and there's the Fonz. Henry. Oh, Jordan from Fresno. 23.

[Allison Rosen]

That was the time when you were a of part podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I probably won't do it in that order either. Probably. I'll probably sandwich you in between Fonzie and Axel and mix it up. All right. Fitz dog out there.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You got some news ready to go? Mama's news. Mama's home, home cooked news. You know what? Let me give a little Love to auto shepherd.com. love these guys. They get me all my parts and you get them online 24 7. You know that thing where you like wake up at four in the morning and you're like, I want to get some brake pads.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Fuck yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Every place is closed.

[Allison Rosen]

Story of my life.

[Adam Carolla]

Or like I want some synthetic motor oil. Yes. Or I want a slave cylinder.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah. That doesn't exist.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah it does.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh yeah, it does.

[Adam Carolla]

Not a funny conversation with John Salley where I was. I literally went, you know, there's a master cylinder. And I pointed at myself and I said, there's a slave cylinder. There's a master and slave cylinder.

[Allison Rosen]

Makes sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Makes sense. Four in the morning, you want one? Where do you go? Autoshepherd.com that's where you go.

[Giovanni]

At least you didn't call it a massive cylinder.

[Adam Carolla]

No, not a massive guy in your d. Free shipping on orders over 50 bucks. And let's face it, few items for your car are over 50 bucks. So free. Free shipping and stuff weighs. You buy a starter for 51 bucks, they ain't making a penny. Never waste any gas going out to the store again. Visit autoshepherd.com Adam, use the promo code and save 10% on anything on the site. Good guys, great guys, great sponsors. If you're into cars and you need a part for your car, don't Go. Wait, by the way, have you gone into those auto. No. You haven't? No, no, it's gone.

[Allison Rosen]

Once I did, I had to buy a key.

[Adam Carolla]

They're scary.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Scary. You have to take a Silkwood shower when you leave autoshepard.com and tell them Adam sent you. And save 10% on anything on the site. All right, quick break, Fitz dog. Greg Fitzsimmons in there in the. His ear buddy. Greg's got stand updates. January 12th through the 15th at the West Palm Beach Improv and January 18th at the Laugh Factory out here in Hollywood doing a one hour special.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's a special show. We got some executives coming out, and so I want to jam the place. Five bucks if you put in the offer code, Greg, at the Laugh Factory website.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on out. Those executives laugh their ass off. They're so boisterous.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, the people who pay five bucks don't.

[Adam Carolla]

The audiobook, by the way, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons, is available on audible.com fitzdog.com is the website, and you can Twitter him at gregfitzshow. Good to see you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Happy New Year, Adam and Alison, I'm glad that you're sitting down comfortably.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And sitting upright, not slumped over.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

She's fine.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Evidently, I'll be fine. Mm. She can have kids.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You can have kids.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, they don't know that. I mean, we don't know that for sure, but it's not like. It's not like they looked inside and said, oh, you can't. It's fantastically boring. According to Brian and Adam, you should.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Get pregnant and abort it. Just to know. Just as a dry run.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, here's the thing. As part of the procedure, they did a DNC because they had to remove an endometrial polyp, which is essentially an abortion. So I'm, like, knowing that I'm gonna have this. Why not just get pregnant now?

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

You know? Cause there's an end date in sight for sure. I decided against it, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, but so do you think. I mean, and now with, you know, science the way it is, we can get you pregnant.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And I agree. I think you ought to just get knocked up just to make sure it don't bring it to term.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And do it as a stunt on the show. Yeah. I'll bring my water balloon launcher. It'll be a YouTube sensation.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We'll name it.

[Adam Carolla]

Name it.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe we should name it. Should we have a contest to name it. Or should we name it now?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, I think we should name it now. And I think, again, it's going to get a lot of religious groups pretty pissed off. No, no, it's going airborne.

[Jordan Morris]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why I'm bringing the water balloon line.

[Allison Rosen]

Trebuchet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we're going with trebuchet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Doing it. Halftime on Super Bowl Sunday. Happy fan gets to try to catch it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Oh, you know what? We. I'll tell you what.

[Allison Rosen]

Hope no one dies trying to catch it, because that would be.

[Adam Carolla]

Hopefully we can get a Tostito sponsorship out of this thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Tostito Scoops would make sense.

[Adam Carolla]

And. Well, then we'll. We'll keep it throughout the year because during the hockey season, we'll have the thing where we put it. We put on the blue line and then we take the plywood and we put over the gold. One lucky fan gets. Gets to try to put it in the net.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You think we can get a year out of it?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't see why not. With today's embalming techniques.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I think it's something that. And again, I know you're rebuilding the studio and you gotta have cool, like, Hard Rock Cafe stuff on the walls, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Stuff that moved you at the time, that meaningful to the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah. And no one wants to see Prince's fucking frilly vest.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it's not even his.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not even his. Yeah, there's too many of those around.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is the only one. Cause you're not gonna. You wouldn't do this twice. That would be obscene.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Yeah, that'd be.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm a factory, not a warehouse.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that.

[Giovanni]

I wish you had a camera on your mom right now.

[Adam Carolla]

You can. You think you can get pregnant?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck, yeah. I think so. I mean, yeah. I mean, I've never been pregnant because I'm a child sometimes, but. And I didn't even think that I would ever have a problem until I found out that I have endometriosis and then started reading up and then being like, ah, fuck, I might be totally fucked. Those are my words. And when they said they might have to take out an ovary and then also, by the way, sign away every other internal organ because we might have to take that all out too, and just shut you down. So I said, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

I debated for a while.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You talking about, like, a hysterectomy.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I had to. I mean, I had to sign consent forms that they would have to do all that if they found, like a list of cancer, basically, if they found cancer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you didn't know, going under, whether or not they were going to do all that.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you for honing in on how awful that part was. That was my fear. My fear was that I was going to wake up afterwards and I wouldn't know what had happened. And actually I woke up, like, coming in and out and I saw the anesthesiologist and I said, what did they do? And he was like. Like talking to me like I was a retarded 5 year old, which I'm used to. But he's. He's like. We took out some cysts. They needed to come out. And then he walked away. And I was like, no, that wasn't my question. My question. He was talking to me like, I didn't know why I was there. But then when I was sitting there, started coming out, I was thinking, you know, if I could just get my head up, look at my incisions, and based on that, I would know what they had done. But at that point, it was like knowing that you have an email that you want to read, but you're too lazy to go to the computer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, I knew there was information I wanted, but I just didn't care about getting it at that time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Guining, let's talk comedy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. So you might get pregnant. It's possible.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, there was not scarring on my fallopian tubes and I have two ovaries. So I am ready to go. Ready to do this stunt where I get pregnant on the show.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, good. Let's play some drops.

[Allison Rosen]

But I'm 36, so who knows?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You got time. You got time.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Brian Bishop]

It's not my.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you up to doing a little news while the Fitz dog and I sit back and crack wise?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do a little news with Alison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Allison Rosen]

It's Allison. Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

In political news, the Iowa caucus caucuses closed tonight, and at this time, it is very close between Romney, Paul and Santorum crime.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what my caucus is? The big swinging black caucus. That's where I can be found. That's where I'm hanging.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Chicks love the big black caucus.

[Adam Carolla]

They love.

[Allison Rosen]

They never go back to Iowa.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They can't handle a big black caucus. No, they think they like it.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, when you start to date someone, you married men, would you ask them if they ever been with the Big Black Caucus?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, there's no good answer. No, because, you know, I mean, first off, you don't want to find out that they dated Karl Malone when they were like, in junior college or something, because you don't. You don't. Like, they were literally doing chin ups on that guy's cock. And then you pull out that little purple pinky of yours and. Yeah, yeah, it's no good. And then you have to overcompensate by.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, it's like moving in into a giant house. But you've been living in a studio apartment and you just don't have a lot of furniture.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. You can't fill it up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It just doesn't. It looks sparse.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it feels empty, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. One cotton mattress on the floor with almost no girth.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You got small pan. You don't have the big pans. You've got throw carpets.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Can't fill it up. Can't fill that space up.

[Allison Rosen]

You've got tools that multitask when really you could handle a whole kitchen full of unitaskers.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I was thinking.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, your penis also doubles as an egg beater.

[Adam Carolla]

Penis.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What are you talking about?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

We're talking about thinking about sex on real estate, on drugs.

[Allison Rosen]

So, anyway, currently Santorum is winning with 96% of the precincts reporting, and it's within 109 votes, which is a very small spread. Santorum has 29,017 votes. Romney 28,908, and Ron Paul 25,025. Ron Paul appeals to voters who are under 30. Santorum is appealing to religious family values voters, and Romney appeals to voters who want someone that they think can defeat Obama. And here's some more facts about people who are voting in the big black Iowa caucus, which is just the Iowa caucus. More than one third said that the federal budget deficit is the most important thing to them. Four in ten said the most important issue was the economy. One third of the voters said being able to defeat Obama is the most important quality in a candidate. And six in 10 consider themselves evangelical or born again Christian.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, that's scary.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So there goes the Mormon. He just slipped a little in the polls.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't. You know, the budget comes up every year, and then everyone does. They talk about the budget sort of like we talk about causes in other countries that we don't really Care about where we go. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. That's a tragedy. Yeah. Something needs to be done. And then we. We go. I don't know what the fuck that guy's talking about, but I'm not giving him any money. And then we move on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I don't even understand how the budget ever goes into effect, because they seem to spend four years hammering it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, your grandkids will be paying for it. Yeah, but I'm always first off. I'm like, fuck my grandkids. I barely like my kids. You know, number one, I put on.

[Allison Rosen]

A license plate frame.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fuck my kids.

[Allison Rosen]

Fuck my grandkids. I barely like my kids.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, those. That's number one. And I know my kids are going to be gay anyway, so they're not going to.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, now both are.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm thinking a girl may be gay as well. Lesbian.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If she wants college money.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. So you got that. And then the other part is, like, for the last 40 years, there's always the budget and then the deficit, and then we're going to be paying for it, but somehow we never pay for it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

And so it's this weird idle threat. It's sort of like you're. It's like your drunken stepmom who keeps saying she's gonna take away your credit card if you keep running up those bar tabs, but never. Just never fucking does it. So you just go, all right, I'm fucking going out to Hooters tonight. Getting loaded.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. We're like the spoiled kids, and the government is almost like the parent that has no boundaries with us. They don't want to hurt our feelings.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But yet we don't understand what mommy and daddy are doing.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So we just keep spending.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So the budget, I think, just confuses people. But because, I mean, the deficit and because no one really wants to admit that they don't know how it works exactly. They just go, yeah, we got to do something about that. And then we can forget about it immediately. Move on.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, I'm assuming it must be people who feel like there's too much government spending of this and that, then in their head, that goes to. And we have to balance the budget.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But either way.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, so here's a story that I find delightful. Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum last week was greeted with a fistful of glitter as he arrived at his final campaign event.

[Adam Carolla]

Worst Clint Eastwood movie I've ever seen as a gay cowboy. This is glitter bombing as just by the Way I couldn't shoot the side of a barn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, he fucks the monkey, fucks the.

[Adam Carolla]

Monkey in every which way you can. He rode sidesaddle. I mean, literally sidesaddle. Assless chaps. It was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And that was not a cigar in his mouth when he standed out in the town square.

[Adam Carolla]

Such a disappointing disappointment.

[Allison Rosen]

An unidentified man shouted, stop the hate. Taste the rainbow, as he threw glitter at the former Pennsylvania senator before being ushered out of Okoboji Grill, where Santorum was scheduled to watch the Iowa game against Oklahoma. Santorum brushed the purple glitter off his shoulders and walked away without acknowledging the man. Glitter bombing has become the emerging form of protest among some Gay Rights act activists.

[Adam Carolla]

I hear taste the rainbow. I'm fine. I'll keep walking. But I hear taste the Ranch and I do a shoulder roll.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, because you could get dressing bombs.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Or.

[Adam Carolla]

Or worse.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I mean, if it's hardcore gay guys, what if they threw at you?

[Allison Rosen]

What would they yell?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I don't think you need to yell anything when you're throwing, because I feel like, message sent.

[Giovanni]

What if there's our Santorum at Santorum.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Nobody ever goes, hey, man, this guy threw fecal matter at me. And then. And your buddy never goes, yeah, but what he said.

[Allison Rosen]

Words hurt, you know? Yeah, words hurt.

[Adam Carolla]

They understand. He defecated in his throwing hand, and he threw it at me very close range. Yeah, I got that. Yeah, the words, the dialogue.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, because it's really. Did he add insult to injury? Nah, the shit pretty much covered insult injury.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't call you fat or bald or anything like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Called me shithead.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, but you did have shit on your head.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, So I think it was just. He was a reporter.

[Adam Carolla]

What did he call you shithead before he put the shit on your head?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, first he hit me in the head.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, then he called you shithead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He said, hey, shithead.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. So he's more reporting what you were at that point.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think he was just a repetition guy doing a Meisner technique, you know, listening, answering.

[Adam Carolla]

So he took. He defecated into one of those air cannons they used to fire frozen chickens at impellers on jet aircraft to see if they'll hold up. He fired that at you and then. But he said what?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He said, hey, shithead.

[Adam Carolla]

But that was again after.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I mean, it was hard to hear because those air things, they. The shit came in hard. My ears are ringing a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Understood.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Pretty sure he said, hey, shithead.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. So it Wasn't that big a deal. Okay, sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

Gingrich has also been glitter bombed, and I believe we have a photo.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, wow. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Looks like he's throwing the glitter out of some kind of can.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So it's. It's like a political bukkake shot.

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

And the message is what?

[Allison Rosen]

Taste the rainbow, you homophobe.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gay. Oh, it's a homophobe. God damn.

[Allison Rosen]

Watch out, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know the gays hate me, but I was saying to my wife while we're driving, I really feel. First off, I feel like gays. Like, if you just woke me up one day and said, what percentage of our society is gay? I'd be like 96% high 80s. Because that's all I hear is gay this and gay that.

[Allison Rosen]

You wouldn't want to know why Waking you up in the middle of the night and asking you that'd be my first question.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd want to know why. Yeah. Why I was being glitter bombed in the middle of the night.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's your news intake that you think the numbers are that high? I mean, are you watching?

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like there's a story and it never ends.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, here's the deal.

[Giovanni]

Lynette watches a lot of Bravo, too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're watching Rosie o' donnell's new show Housewives.

[Giovanni]

Cohen.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but you know what I'm saying. Like, here's what I'm saying. Black makes up 11% of society and sort of contribute. Feels like 80%. Do you know what I'm talking about?

[Giovanni]

Tell me about it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm saying black. Let's say.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's put it this way.

[Adam Carolla]

Asians make up 8%. Feel like less than 1%. Yeah, you people are redness. You know what I'm talking about, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Black and gay ought to have race to see who makes up, you know, 10% and feels like 80%. And then the Asians trying to think the other. The other group. Well, Mexicans are sort of that way too. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They go lower.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. No, they're 47% of Los Angeles and feel like single digits.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They're tentative, really. They're not making a lot of noise.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that. Yeah. All I'm saying to the gays and the blacks. We heard you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We gotcha now.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's give it a rest.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. It's like your kid on a long car ride.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, okay, I gotcha.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're bored.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me put on the Never Ending Story, and you watch in the back of my head.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Rest or Roots. I mean, if it's the blacks. Back of the car.

[Adam Carolla]

We get it. We heard you.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you suggesting Never Ending Story is some kind of gay movie?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm just. I'm just saying I want a movie for my kids to watch so I can make it to the Grand Canyon.

[Jordan Morris]

Cheer up and be excited.

[Adam Carolla]

What percentage now? And also that thing of like 10% gay is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, 15. I just read a story. There was a survey done. You must know this, Alice. It was a big news story. It was like a 20 year survey. And 15%, 16% of men reported having received oral sex from a man. 14%.

[Adam Carolla]

16%.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

16. 14% reported having given oral sex to a man. So there's a 2% swing on the giving and receiving of the oral. And that guy's name is Bill and he needs to get on it.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think it's. I think they're padding these numbers. Yeah, I think they're doing that thing that they did with, you know, 56,000Americans die of secondhand smoke every year. It's like, I don't think that many people. I don't think 10% or 15% of our society's gay.

[Allison Rosen]

So are more people experimenting in college or are more people admitting to it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that's experimenting.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, it's cooler. I mean, soon as you see Britney Spears and Madonna making out on mtv, then all of a sudden it becomes cool. But you making out with a chick or eating the occasional pussy does not make you gay. That just means you're drunk and you're experimenting. Gay is. I've declared a major. This is what I'm doing. This is my lifestyle.

[Allison Rosen]

He's more pussy.

[Adam Carolla]

What me and Fitz Dog did when we're camping back, you were trying to stay warm. Yeah, that thing where he put the sock over me and it never fleshed him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just so you know, it was like a four day trip and there was nothing to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, the whitewater rafting, it was flat.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The hunting, there was nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

We go home to our loving heterosexual families every night. Absolutely. So here's the question. Black population in the United States or gay population in the United States? What's higher? Well, we gotta find this out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Depends on the month. I mean, if you're talking about February, the gays, they know to take the month off. It's not theirs. And the black guys know that. You know. August, right? Back off, back off. Gay guys are gonna make some noise. There's some parades going on, I guess, in general, though.

[Adam Carolla]

But is it Honestly, this crossover, is it 10%? Like what?

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I.

[Adam Carolla]

Where are we at? And I'll just.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Gays or with blacks?

[Adam Carolla]

I want to know who's.

[Allison Rosen]

He wants to know.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, well, the thing is, a gay guy, a black guy can't stay in the closet. That's the thing. We can count them. A gay guy, I mean, you can't go, hey, I'm not black. You're black.

[Allison Rosen]

There are a few. What are yous.

[Adam Carolla]

You talking about? Bill Bellamy or which Bill?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

You said Bill. Bill Cosby. I only know two black bills. Bellamy and Cosby.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bill. Let's name as many black bills as we can right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's the Buffalo Bills. And that's the entire team.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's Billy.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Giovanni]

Hunter.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Billy Hunter.

[Allison Rosen]

Who's he?

[Giovanni]

The NBA Players association chief.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's not a lot of black Bills.

[Allison Rosen]

Bills.

[Adam Carolla]

Bill Russell, Bill Witherspoon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Giovanni]

I think we named them all Billy Blanks. The Ty Bill guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Billy Blanks. Oh, let's not piss him off, Ty. Bow your ass. Bill Withers. Ain't no sunshine. He's white.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He sounds black, but he's actually white.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's a spindly Jewish guy. Ain't no sunshine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, this thing in the late 70s, you could have curly long hair and be Jewish and be a black guy. You know, you had your. Randy. Randy.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Newman.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Randy Newman. He was black for that time.

[Giovanni]

Willie C. Ribs.

[Allison Rosen]

Sammy Davis Jr. Was named Bill.

[Adam Carolla]

Willie. Is that Bill? Is that a William? Willie T. Ribs, one of the greatest black race car drivers. His name was Willie T. Ribs, actually.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The black race car driver.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, Bill Clinton.

[Allison Rosen]

He was our black president.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to know what percentage of our society is either black or gay gonna win. I mean, ooh, are we putting money on this?

[Giovanni]

There's more blacks, right, Than there are gays. I always heard gay was like under 10%.

[Allison Rosen]

You're talking about in. In this country.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, but the gays keep ratcheting up their numbers. I think that's. I think they're padding. I think they're padding their numbers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The birth trend for blacks is whites are the lowest. We're not fucking right. Latinos.

[Adam Carolla]

We are. We fuck. We just pull out. We have the dignity to pull out and come on the tits.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A lot of guys are going anal too, these days.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. But the black ladies do not enjoy the back door. From what I understand, that's a no entry zone for the black ladies.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it's pretty obvious why?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. We have a. All right, now, let's see. We're trying to work this.

[Allison Rosen]

Wikipedia can answer this for us.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. All right. 12.2% with the brothers. And then we'll find out the gays. Also the. Well, we have a song that.

[Allison Rosen]

It's raining Men.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's Putting on the Ritz. Oh, lynch has that one. Oh, lynch, you can find that one for us. We had a song. I composed a song. Well, I told Mike lynch to do it, but I was trying to. I was trying to fix Africa, essentially.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I realized there's just too much AIDS and too much raping and too many kids. So you want to say it's pregnancy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So this is a lot like what they did in the 80s.

[Adam Carolla]

If they would pump this in, they could fix it. There's no food in wars that kill. Africa's screwed. Why do you still fuck black rabbits? Try coming on the tits her boobs a wet white stain no more sending sacks of grain or mosquito nets Coming on the tits Drop sperm on her.

[Allison Rosen]

Chest like paratrooper this is my mom's favorite orange instead.

[Adam Carolla]

Just finish.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If you could get Bono to do.

[Adam Carolla]

This, all you do is pull out your dicks and leave some man paste on her nips. Coming on the tits Coming on the tits Coming on the tits Coming on the tits It'd be a better world. It would be a better world's reached a new low. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

And just wait in two days and then this still stuck in your head. You will rue the day.

[Adam Carolla]

12. 12.2 black.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

And gay is 9%. 10%, according to this study.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I read 15.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so the gays are beating the blacks now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, blacks generally. It's tough to beat them now.

[Adam Carolla]

What are the Asians? I want to find out what the Asians are because we've figured out it's like 3%. Is it 3%?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's what it said on the.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, and then there's Eastern Indian. We gotta figure out that one too. I'm just saying 7% of women and 8% of men identify as gay or lesbian. Yeah, Again, they're feeling like they're over 50%.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying, hey, you know what? Blacks and gays, move over. Let the Asians have a year Christmas party, hear what they have to say.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I went to a few Christmas parties. If there was a gay guy in the room, that guy was the center of attention. There could be 100 people in that room. But I was at a party that Ross the intern was there.

[Allison Rosen]

Was he that guy?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's the crowd around Ross, who was.

[Adam Carolla]

From the Tonight Show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bigger than life.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And one Asian guy crying into his drink in the corner because he couldn't find a crowd.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying blacks and gays move over this year of the Asian. I want to hear what they have to say.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'd like to see some Asian men do some porn. Find some dignity there. I think their women are certainly prolific.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I think it's made them very attractive to us. But the Asian man you rarely see.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's step up the gay porn game.

[Matt Zoller]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Not gay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, it's always a black guy or an Italian guy that shows up at the sorority house. How about send an Asian guy, send for some Chinese food, see what happens.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, my. You know, your mom should really just go out in the parking lot at this point.

[Allison Rosen]

I think she already did.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, my black penis porn thought. I think everyone thinks brothers have big penises and it's basically true. But I've also pointed out that you don't see a lot of black cock erect black penis outside of porn movies, depending on where you hang. You know what I'm saying?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I have no idea.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying the only erect black penis I've ever seen in my life has been via the porn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So in other words, there's some natural selection. Those are the big ones.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't. They wouldn't let a brother in if he had a small honker.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I think what he's saying is. Let's say you had never seen naked white men, but you only watched porn. You think all white dudes look like Ron Jeremy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. So flask. Because I know personally I understand they're.

[Adam Carolla]

Racist because there may be a few. They will let regular sized white guy peni in porn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

But they will not let a black guy with a small penis into porn. So if the only erect. If the only tumescent black penis you see is in porn, you will thus then think all black men have huge penises.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just to distill it. If it's an SAT question. Big black. And it will be big black cock is to Small black cock as big white cock is to. What.

[Allison Rosen]

Is the dodo?

[Adam Carolla]

I never took the SATs. Yeah. Let's just go with the dodo.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

In other words, do you think that there's a relationship between when I'm flaccid and when I'm erect proportionally? About right. Is what you're saying that a black penis when it's erect is much bigger proportionally than a flaccid palate.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm being clear, am I not? I am never gonna get tired of this.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I believe what you're saying. You're saying the only penis. Black penis.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you see your mom right now?

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, go ahead.

[Allison Rosen]

The only erect black penises that most of us see are in porn. And in porn, they only allow gigantic black cock. But they're not probably someone there who won't allow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But if you're. If you're casting a white guy, aren't you gonna get the biggest white cock as well?

[Adam Carolla]

But historically, there's been plenty of guys that are sort of average between the legs white guys. Yes. Especially all those dudes from the 70s. They're just like NYU students and stuff like that. John, Leslie and guys like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Like normal dudes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a couple of freakishly big guys, but there's just regular porn, you know, where you look at the porn and you look at yourself and you go, yeah, you don't have anything on me. Yeah, I think they don't do that. There's no black guy. They would not let him in. It's racist.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm uncomfortable watching black guys in porn because they're always huge. And I feel like not only does it make me feel smaller, I feel bad for the girls because it's fucking huge.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I feel like they can't be.

[Adam Carolla]

Enjoying that, but they act like they're not that big.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you like. Do you like it that big?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know how big we're talking.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Big enough to knock cells out of your.

[Allison Rosen]

I wouldn't have had to have this operation.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

More info has come out about the LA arsonist who has been arrested and his mother. Last week, he watched as she was arrested on fraud charges. And a day later, he exploded in an expletive filled rant against the US at her court hearing. They're both from Germany. He began setting fires the next night. His mother, Dorothy Burkhart, was charged with 19 counts of fraud, including failure to pay for breast augmentation.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

In court, she appeared perplexed. She wondered where her son was. She wondered if he was alive or dead. She said that he's mentally ill. And also, evidently, she suggested that perhaps he'd been handed over to the Nazis. So she's nuts and he's nuts.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Pay for these tits.

[Adam Carolla]

They got a little bit of that North Hollywood bank robber thing going on. Just a crazy big guy from. I think those guys were Like a Ukrainian or something, and they're from one of those stands or something and former whatever Republic guys. And the mom turned out to be a nut job too, who ran some sort of boarding house and hammered like old people's Social Security checks. It's great. It's weird. There is a part of me that's still jealous that he's actually closer with his mom than I am.

[Allison Rosen]

They live together.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. Like, my mom and I, we don't talk about anything.

[Allison Rosen]

You guys would never pull off some sort of hard.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. These are the North Hollywood bank robbers. No one could have ever seen this one coming.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think the day my mom gets breast implants, I pack it up, head out. That makes me uncomfortable because what's the goal here? Getting fucked.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Don't want to be in the house where my mom's trying to get fucked.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah. Maybe we'll get rich banks to write a song when your mom gets the boob job, by the way, one more time. Just because it's insane to me that the guys who robbed the North Hollywood bank or attempted to, who put I think over 1000 rounds into the community with the body armor and God knows what else, did get pulled over probably two miles from here in like Eagle Rock or Glendale by like the Glendale pd. And as the crow flies, probably about two miles from where we're sitting, they found in the trunk of the car a police scanner. They found modified like AK47s with, went full automatic with like modified banana clips on there, armor piercing bullets. They found body armor, they found like ski masks, and they found basically everything but a bank. Like literally like duct tape, like everything but a bank teller tied up with zip tied. They could not arrest them for attempting to rob a bank because they were not in the actual actually engaged in robbing a bank. Even though they had the police scanners and the body armor and the fucking modified AK47s and the ski mask and everything else in the trunk of the car, by the way, they catch you with a shoebox full of weed, they can get you with intent to distribute. They don't have to catch you selling weed. They just go, oh, well, you had more than three ounces of weed, so you must have been selling it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They draw conclusions. But with weaponry, with banana clips, big.

[Adam Carolla]

Question, cop killing bullets and the police scanners, we don't know what these young foreign kids were up to. And we live in this fucked up society where it's like, well, they weren't robbing the bank at the time. Yes. This is what we want police to do. We want to catch you while you have the zip ties and the duct tape and the rag.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you're pro no gun control, right?

[Adam Carolla]

No, what I'm saying. What I'm saying is we will tell you. We'll tell you what. They're rested in Glendale. And the search of the vehicle found concealed weapons, semiautomatic rifles, two handguns, 1600 rounds of ammunition, 1200 rounds of whatever ammunition.45 caliber ammunition, handgun ammunition, radio scanners, smoke bombs, improvised explosive devices, body armor vests, three different California license plates.

[Giovanni]

Okay, we are stuntmen before the movie.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And a flashlight.

[Adam Carolla]

Their seized property was returned to them, and they couldn't wait.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I thought that the armor piercing bullets, I thought that was like.

[Adam Carolla]

They served 100 days. 100 days. Then they gave them back most of their shit, and then they did the North Hollywood bank robbery. Now, what the fuck? Really? And here's the whole thing with policing. Wouldn't you like them to. Like, wouldn't you when the guy's on the way to your house with the duct tape and the ether rag and they catch him before he kidnaps your daughter? Wouldn't you like him to go into prison for that? Or do we have to wait until your fucking daughter's buried in some shallow grave somewhere before we can actually do something?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look, what's the line? I mean, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, by the way, I'll know it when I see it. And I just saw it. I mean, if I'm the fucking judge and somebody says it's somewhere around 1600 bullets, and then. Oh, by the way, that was just. That was just a 9 millimeter stuff. We have not gotten to the.45 calibers stuff. And the three license plates and the police scanners and the body. Body armor and all that shit and explosive devices and all that stuff. At a certain point, I'm going, well, these guys are either on their way to rob a bank or have robbed other banks that we're unaware of. Either way, they're going in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think I see a guy with a sweatshirt with Greek letters on it, and he's got a bottle of Jagermeister. That's date rape. I arrest that guy, I don't need to see the date rape. It's gonna happen.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's heading to a party. Crime in progress.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We don't even know who the victim is yet. What are we gonna wait for the victim?

[Adam Carolla]

Oftentimes it's his own cock. Later that night when he's trying to squeeze one out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Shit faced or fucking a frat brother. They don't talk.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not part of the answer. It does make you gay. That's right. All right. Anyway, where were we? Oh, the guy's an arsonist from Germany, the Bachelor. Who by the way, looks like. He looks like Will Arnett with a thyroid condition.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Will Arne to take some thyroid drugs or something. And you're like. You just ran into him and he went on Jerry Lewis like from about six years ago. Like, you're like, wow, it's Will Arnett. If Will Arnett. Like someone should show this to Will Arnett and go, don't ever get fat because this is exactly what you're gonna look like.

[Giovanni]

Get fat in the roll of a lifetime.

[Adam Carolla]

Roll, man.

[Matt Zoller]

You've got a real problem.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He definitely has that. Mildly retarded. The features are all clumped in the center with a lot of face around it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Same hairline. He's a husky. Will Arnett. As a matter of fact. I don't know that Will Arnett hasn't put on a few pounds, adopted a German accent and burnt down a few SUVs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So when I look, he's on a sitcom actually.

[Allison Rosen]

They describe him as having a ponytail and a receding hairline.

[Adam Carolla]

They shoot those years in advance.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's true.

[Giovanni]

You know the fat guy who played Chubbs and Teen Wolf. What's he been up to lately?

[Adam Carolla]

We have to get to the bottom of this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jesus.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, anyways, closer with his money.

[Allison Rosen]

The Bachelor premiered last night, 16th season, averaged 7.74 million viewers, which is down 13% since last year.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

And I bring this up just to ask, did anyone watch? Is anyone going to watch? I haven't recorded. And I plan to watch. I just plan to put in the news.

[Adam Carolla]

I love the fact that this is amazing. You get chicks together who probably. And I'm looking at 30, 25 chicks and 19 of them would not give this guy their phone number if they were to TGI Fridays and he sidled up next to him at the bar. But soon as you get the chicks together and you say you're all competing for this guy, all of a sudden fucking hair extensions start flying with the.

[Allison Rosen]

And I think that are convinced that they're falling in love with him. I feel like that's real.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like episode number three.

[Allison Rosen]

They're crying already.

[Adam Carolla]

Tammy and Tiffany are getting to a fist fight, crying over this one guy who they never would have fucked in college.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I think in The Middle East. This is what happens, you know, you. You're in a harem. There's one dude, and he can pretty much choose whose wife number one. And it gets. It's not even about the guy. Some smelly fucking sheik with a towel on his head. But you're. It's. It's the cat fight. Instinct kicks in about him.

[Adam Carolla]

And my thing is, if Will Arnett lost some weight, he would look just.

[Giovanni]

Like the new bachelor.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything's just. All I think about is Will Arnett.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, he was. He was with my wife before I was.

[Matt Zoller]

Man, you've got a real problem.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

How's that work?

[Allison Rosen]

What'd she say about it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I'd appreciate you taking the picture.

[Adam Carolla]

Was it fat Will Arnett or was it regular Will?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think it was drunk Will Arnett before he got sober. Yeah, not enjoyable, apparently.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. No, I'm sure it was really, really awful. What else did she say? I'm a Will Arnett fan.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you?

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, no. Not. Not as much as I am a Greg Fitz dog.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, that means Fitz dog.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's that?

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody's gotta Amy Poehler. It's not gonna be me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Parks Recreation and the Fitz dog.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Mm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When's it filmed? Where?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, when's the after party? I'm waiting. All right. Anyway, so the guy looks like a chubby Will Arnett, and he has a much better relationship with his mom than I do.

[Allison Rosen]

Super bowl ads have sold out at record high prices. Advertisers paid an average of $3.5 million each for 30 second spots. And thus far, 7030 second spots have been sold.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Highest rated television show in history was the super bowl last year.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, That'll be interesting. And then they'll, you know. And also they replay the spots over.

[Allison Rosen]

And over again and nerds talk about it and regular people.

[Adam Carolla]

I usually get so drunk, I forget about the whole Super Bowl. I mean, I forget the commercials that. Because I'm going to refill whatever it is I've been drinking Kimmel to be.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

At Kimmel's house this year.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, God willing, if he has a party, I should be there. Last time I saw Will Arnett, it was over at Kimmel's house.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So that'll just keep coming up, I imagine.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you part of the whole Kimmel invitation?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I've been there twice. But it's awkward because I like Jimmy and he likes me, but I wouldn't pick up the phone and go, hey, can I come over your house on Sunday for football. And I'd love to. I enjoy it. I know a lot of the guys. But it would cross a line. And yet I don't think that he has any real impetus to call me. So. No, I'm not part of the crowd. I'm. That was sort of on the sideline.

[Adam Carolla]

He's curtailed his football Sundays. We were just having a laugh with Dawson about it. How Dawson.

[Allison Rosen]

Dawson thought it was super funny.

[Matt Zoller]

I was chuckling heartily.

[Adam Carolla]

Dude. It was one of the more uncomfortable moments of my life when I had to tell Dawson that he'd been cut from the.

[Matt Zoller]

To be fair, you didn't do it. You let Jimmy do it to a national audience.

[Adam Carolla]

Still uncomfortable.

[Matt Zoller]

Yeah, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How many people were cutting later Husing.

[Adam Carolla]

Just Dawson. Yeah. As far as I could tell, he wanted to thin the herd by not. But. But just by one sheet. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I think the problem was he brought over a calzone with the wrong cheese in it that he stands by.

[Matt Zoller]

I totally stand by it. And there's a mixture of mozzarella and jack cheese.

[Adam Carolla]

He also.

[Matt Zoller]

Every pizza place. In fact. In fact, I would bet that your beloved pizza man in Phoenix uses the same fucking cheese blend on his pizza as I put in my couch.

[Allison Rosen]

Jimmy will get you fired for the podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

The second to last time I was hanging with Jimmy, we're standing by Chris's pizza oven, eating fresh bread. So if he hears this podcast, he's gonna. He'll fire you from this show. He has that much power. Number one. Number two, explain the other reason why you're banned from football Sunday.

[Matt Zoller]

I didn't know it was a bye week for the Chargers. I was like, all right, where's the Charger Charger game?

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of buyers.

[Matt Zoller]

But apparently that's 11% thing to do.

[Adam Carolla]

He walked into Kimmel's house and said, why are my Chargers not on one of these 28 TV sets? And everyone looked at him and said, your Chargers are on a bye.

[Matt Zoller]

To be fair, I was a little more of a dick than that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. See, I could. Here's tough to be friends with because I'm not. I'm not good as a friend. Like, Jimmy's like the kind of guy who will send you an email when something good happens, and he's. He's just like, does the right thing. He's a great artist. And I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think I could do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't think I could live up to those.

[Adam Carolla]

Literally walks you out to the car or helps you into the car. Like, I mean, his and his family. His family's just fucking hugging and kissing and calling and hanging like it's nonstop. I mean, I went out when I was in Arizona doing a show a few weeks ago. We all went out, and there was Jimmy and his dad and his sister, and it's like they're all. They're the exact opposite of the Corollas. Exactly the opposite. My dad doesn't know. I don't know that he knows my sister's name. He certainly doesn't know. One time. One time, I said to my dad, and this is when I was doing Loveline. This is like year number eight and a half of me doing Loveline. I said, you know, Drew this or Drew said he'd call, and Drew something or other. I just said, drew. And I said, I'm going to see Drew later on tonight, so I'll ask Drew. And he said, you talking about Ray's friend Drew? And I was like, there's a guy who's named Drew who's one of Ray's friends, who I don't know. And my dad assumed that's the Drew I was talking about after I'd been paired up with Dr. Drew for a decade. He had no idea. I mean, he knew who Dr. Drew was, but when I was saying Drew, he thought he was talking about a guy who I barely knew, who was a friend of.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How am I supposed to know that?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. All right. So anyway, yeah, you're not good enough for Kimmel. Nope. And evidently, neither was Dawson.

[Matt Zoller]

It was fun, though. I had a good two years over there with really, really good pizza. Every Sunday. I would argue that I'd be stupid not to show up every Sunday.

[Adam Carolla]

I would also say that it was very uncomfortable after the show because we did it on the air and it seemed like a bit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then after the show, Dawson said to me, me. But seriously, that was a bit, right? And I said, no, that was tough.

[Matt Zoller]

I. I even emailed Jimmy, and I'm like, so, see you Sunday.

[Adam Carolla]

And.

[Matt Zoller]

Oh. The reply was the most.

[Adam Carolla]

What did it say?

[Matt Zoller]

I could feel. I could feel the. No. Punch me in the face. No, you don't get it. He wrote that was not a joke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He wrote that.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Was that in all caps? He doesn't even need all caps.

[Matt Zoller]

It didn't have.

[Adam Carolla]

It was.

[Matt Zoller]

It was in Greek. It was all caps. It was bold.

[Adam Carolla]

He's like a mean Will Arnett.

[Matt Zoller]

If Will Arnett got really, really mean.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he's like a rude Will Arnett, you know, I mean, I know I'm not the first person that brought that up, but I mean, that's, that was.

[Matt Zoller]

That was a real good welcome to Hollywood moment for Mr. Dawson here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Whose idea was it to do it on the air?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. It seemed, you know, it's, it's funny because it's, it's actually easier for those involved to do it on the air. Absolutely. It's, it's, it's. Except for when off the air, the person says, seriously? And you go, yeah, yeah, I kind.

[Matt Zoller]

Of, I kind of walked in on it. I gave them. Yeah, I gave them every opportunity. It was.

[Adam Carolla]

Now what was. What was more embarrassing that. Are you assuming you're going out at least a little?

[Matt Zoller]

Oh, I'm not embarrassed about Lisa Loeb. She lost, man. She fucking lost. Where is she now?

[Adam Carolla]

Who are you? Is the real question.

[Matt Zoller]

I'm right here, brother.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I love me some meat. Lisa Loeb's like a hot female Will Arnett, you know what I mean? Who plays acoustic guitar? You know.

[Allison Rosen]

I've been trying to place her. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What if this turns into the way you deal with all relationships in your life? Ma, can you come on the show?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I want to talk.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ask your wife. Can you come on the show?

[Adam Carolla]

I need a divorce.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I need a divorce.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, seriously, after the show, were you serious?

[Adam Carolla]

What. What happened with Lisa Loeb? Just to. Just to catch everyone up.

[Matt Zoller]

Well, she was going to be a guest on the show. She was doing this. Lisa Loeb finds a husband reality TV show number one single, obviously there to promote it.

[Allison Rosen]

Tournament of Loeb.

[Matt Zoller]

I was single, eager, and I just said at the post show meeting, I'll go out on a date with her. Let's. I'll ask her out on the air.

[Adam Carolla]

And I modify that a little bit. He showed up wearing his best chance and surfer flip flops.

[Matt Zoller]

I did.

[Adam Carolla]

And I said to him, like, what are y' all gussied up for? And he said, going out with Lisa, love. And I said, you're going on a date with Lisa Loeb? And he said, female Will Arnet. He said, yeah. And I said, you're going out with Lisa Loeb? And he said, yeah. And I said, how did this work? And he said, well, she's single, isn't she? I said, yeah, well, she's coming in in an hour. Yeah, well, I'm gonna ask her out. And I said, oh, you're not going out with Lisa Loeb. You're going to ask her out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Skip the crucial Step.

[Adam Carolla]

The part where she says yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Abduct probably would have been a better word at that point.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's like saying, oh, I'm gonna be knighted. I just haven't told the queen yet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Matt Zoller]

Did you hear A and E's doing a biography on me?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He's just sitting there on one knee, looking around. What? What's going on? I'm not feeling a sword on each shoulder.

[Allison Rosen]

What sword?

[Adam Carolla]

What's up? What's up?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, that's. Well, also, you're not. You wouldn't have dated Lisa Loeb. You'd be dating Lisa Loeb. You know, she's not exactly at the peak.

[Matt Zoller]

She was on her way down, that I thought.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sure, but you were on your way down.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you're moving laterally, though. It's not like you were moving up and she was moving down. You were just sort of sliding sideways, and she was. She was coming down. But Lisa Loeb is cute. Sold some records and dated one Dweezil Zappa.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that true?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Who was also with your wife, by the way. She wanted me to bring it up on the air because she said it'd be more, you know, less. Less.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I also think Lisa Love. She's got to be a vegetarian, and you look like you only eat meat.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah. You can smoke in front of her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Matt Zoller]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You'd be like. You'd be like, hey, I got a song. And she'd be like, oh, that is not the way to play it. You. If. Acoustic guitar. She'd constantly be telling you how to strum that guitar. It wouldn't. It wouldn't have worked. It wouldn't work. It wouldn't work. It would have just been, you know, 11 to 14 months of insane sex and then a whole bunch of good stories, but it wouldn't work.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Songs that you knew were about you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Taunt you for the rest of your life.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Sex. Because she's kind of crazy.

[Matt Zoller]

Insane, crazy, crazy sex. It would have been months of it.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't want that.

[Adam Carolla]

No. You. Yeah. No. Yeah. You wouldn't want to. You wouldn't want to.

[Allison Rosen]

Dodged a bullet there.

[Matt Zoller]

Nationally renowned recording artist.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Who?

[Matt Zoller]

Bad move.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I made out with her sister in New York about, really, 15 years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Really.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you ever told that story before?

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to hear that.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like this is the first time for that story.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was a pilot. We were both doing a pilot together. Debbie is her name. Cute.

[Adam Carolla]

Debbie Loeb.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Lived a little bit in the shadow. Lisa was at her peak.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Is this the younger sister?

[Adam Carolla]

Hungry?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, she's younger and flirted a little. Made out. That was it. Never saw her.

[Adam Carolla]

Never saw her again?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. Thought about Lisa Loeb later, though. You know, when you master when you only make out, you gotta finish on your own.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Ladies, let it be known that that's her. We're gonna get the job done one way or the other.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

With or without you.

[Allison Rosen]

What's your preference then?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

For the two girls?

[Allison Rosen]

No, what's your preference? With or without? Sometimes. Is it actually without?

[Adam Carolla]

We'd like you to hang out and finish a job yourself. But we will finish with or without you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

To me, the perfecta. The perfecta. I see you, I jerk off to you. I make out with you, I jerk off to you, then we fuck.

[Matt Zoller]

Where were you when I was trying to get a date with Lisa Loeb? Like, I've used all of this stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

You say you still live in San Diego and got a concussion from skateboard and I am tired of talking about the Avocado Festival. And I don't give a shit about Alan Parsons anymore. All right. Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what the song sounds like for the first time. And I'm on drugs. That should make me feel nauseous, but that song did it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I hate that song.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Speaking of jerking off, by the way, you know, after two weeks off with my kids and being around the house 24 7, you know, just skating, tubing, fucking movies.

[Allison Rosen]

How exciting.

[Adam Carolla]

Kid.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Family purity. They went back to school and for 48 hours I have been making up. Like, I can't stop jerking off. Like, almost like there's a equilibrium I need to now. I need to get all that good family feeling out, right?

[Allison Rosen]

If the constant. Get the filth.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The constant what?

[Allison Rosen]

Like K is a constant, but J would be the jizz. Constant.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Constancy of.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My God. As it felt good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Giovanni]

Your wrist is in a brace. No wonder.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right. The carpal tunnel syndrome. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You're doing the stranger.

[Adam Carolla]

Sits on the left hand. Hey. Okay, now, how does it work with your wife with the beating off?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did it next to her while she slept two nights ago?

[Allison Rosen]

Did she know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really waited for the regular breathing and wanted to have sex with her the night before. Shot down. Wanted to have sex that night. Shot down. Went the hamper. Got one of her shirts, used that as the rag.

[Adam Carolla]

Really into the hamper.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like a fucking. Like an alpha male.

[Allison Rosen]

Like how you give a puppy a T shirt. That smells like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right. I waited for the regular breathing and.

[Adam Carolla]

Then that meant she was asleep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She was asleep, but alive. And then I just very gently thought about Lisa Loeb and Will Arnett together, which, by the way, is a great pairing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I worked it out. It was good.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that.

[Allison Rosen]

What's the breathing like before it becomes regular?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Irregular.

[Allison Rosen]

But why?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, she doesn't snore, but she's got a little. There's a little bit of a. A little bit of that.

[Allison Rosen]

Gotcha.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Little traction. Have you ever done it in the bed with your wife sleeping?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

No. You know, here's the. You know. Well, first off, I change my game. I don't do it in the recline position anymore. It's too. It's too dangerous.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're hitting the shower.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm upright, you know, and I'm not always in the shower.

[Allison Rosen]

Too dangerous for what? Objects that might be in that. You're.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, the back, you know, the back is just. It's a mess.

[Allison Rosen]

Or repeatedly. This is a. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I did come up during the manovations of when we were doing the man show. I came with something called the Belly Zamboni, which would actually clear up this problem.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that in Wikipedia?

[Adam Carolla]

It should be.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So, no, I've never. I'm. Now I've trained myself, by the way. I can do it running from a Kodiak bear. That's how I've trained myself. And I will train my son that way as well. You know what I'm saying?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I thought you're not supposed to turn away from the bear.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, he doesn't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, you're running backwards.

[Adam Carolla]

At a certain point, if I can time it just right as the bear comes up to me, I can time it right. That's the only thing that will stop a Kodiak bear in its trailer track.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Literally in its tracks. Just.

[Adam Carolla]

Literally. Just the threat of pink eye will stop a Kodiak bear. And of course, humiliation, by the way, when that Kodiak bear returns to Kodiak bear camp. Like jizzed on by another hiker.

[Allison Rosen]

But what did he say to you as he jizzed on you?

[Adam Carolla]

Right, come full circle.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And they never put that in the parks in the camping pamphlet. Yeah, they never put in run backwards and jerk off. See diagram A. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And they talk about pepper spray. And by the way, I like that thing where you're trying to make yourself bigger. Like a Kodiak bear weighs 1715 pounds. Fitzsimmons, how much do you weigh?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Buck 50.

[Adam Carolla]

You weigh 150 pounds. So you balloon up to 162.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That 162.

[Adam Carolla]

Now the bear only weighs 17, no, 1400 pounds more than you like that? Making yourself bigger. When the thing goes back on its hind feet and it's 11ft tall and it weighs 2,000 pounds, who cares? You're a buck 50 or 165. Yeah. You're still fucking more to enjoy. You're still just a fucking McNugget to the bear, right? I've made myself bigger.

[Giovanni]

Delicious.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like an ant making itself bigger to your shoe.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like I'm at a red light next to a Porsche and I'm revving my Prius.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm gonna make it bigger. No, no. But a shot at jizz, that'll stop.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Him on so many levels. I mean, there's the shame, there's the physical stickiness, there's the confusion. I mean, confusion is just tripping.

[Adam Carolla]

What happened?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How could you?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it buys you precious.

[Adam Carolla]

And then also, what does the bear say to the bear? Wife. I was chasing a scared camper and he jizzed me. Right, right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Three times this week. Then the key is. Then the key is you gotta train yourself to get turned on by a giant Kodiak bear.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my point.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You buy fur coats, you make massive dioramas. You build it in the garage and you just keep practicing running backwards and jerking off.

[Adam Carolla]

Do they cover the entire garage?

[Allison Rosen]

You probably have a forest in your house. Train.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I do. I have some of the guys who actually work, work at Disney actually come by and set the stuff up for me. Giant bear skin rug.

[Giovanni]

Yeah, Start with the bear rug.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. And I put it up on a hat rack and have my son shake it and go.

[Allison Rosen]

It's gonna involve your children in this training process.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't feel well. They gotta learn. They gotta learn, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Cuz one day. One day that'll be them jerking off and running backwards.

[Adam Carolla]

Hand of God it will be. Hand to God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's an heirloom that, that bear. That'll go to your great grandkids someday.

[Adam Carolla]

It'll be like one of those Johnny Cash songs, you know what I mean? Like A Boy Named Sue. Like, like, you're pissed at me now. Yeah. For making you shake this hat rack with this bear skin on it while daddy beats off on it. Now you're pissed, but you'll thank me me one day when you're being attacked by Kodiak bear.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a Johnny Cash. What if in two Loeb song, it's sung by Will Arnett? Mm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jesus. What if Kodiak bears go extinct in a few generations? Will your legacy be tarnished?

[Adam Carolla]

It'll work on any bear, especially the pandas, because you don't have to move. You just stand there while they eat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And when you're running backwards, here's the key. Gotta keep the pants from being around your ankles. You gotta remember.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Zip, fly, work it with the balls inside.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You can't go. You can't go a whole.

[Allison Rosen]

Excuse me for being nice, but why are the balls gonna get in the.

[Adam Carolla]

Way if you let them out for one aerodynamic drag?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Number one.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, that makes sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Number two, if you have a fairly prodigious sack, it will. It'll do a sort of counter. Pendulous sort of thing, and it'll throw you right off the trail.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Also, if the bear does catch you, you want your balls out of the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody wants the sack exposed. Have you seen the quality?

[Allison Rosen]

Because bears will not reach inside your pants.

[Adam Carolla]

That's known right now. Sack in. And by the way, you know, it's not like it's 90 degrees up there. You might be in 8, 10,000ft thin oxygen. Cool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's true. And if you're gonna ejaculate, the sperm could freeze on the outside and not. You could never really get the projection that you need to hit the bear in the face.

[Allison Rosen]

Does that happen? Frozen sperm blockage. And then it'd be like a sperm puck.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, you factor in everything from the win to whether you drank pineapple juice. I mean, it's all. It's in the handout.

[Allison Rosen]

We'll give it to you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, you've seen the Winnie the Pooh cartoons. You know when it looks like he's got. Got honey all over his nozzle? Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

That ain't honey.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was Eeyore.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Eeyore. All right, baby. Wrap it up.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt.

[Matt Zoller]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel high right now. Does anyone else feel high?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Show me the Arsonist and Will Arnett one more time, and then I can. Then I'll be able to sleep tonight. Night. You know when they do those movies where they put you in the. The fat suit? That's. That's that, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Very much so.

[Adam Carolla]

Amazon. Oh, my God. Love me. All right. Love me some Amazon. You want to support the show. You want to keep the pirate ship afloat. You want to keep guys like Greg Fitzsimmons coming in here talking about making out with Lisa Loeb's sister or other hot talk like that. You name a famous sibling, then you go to Amazon. And next time you're going to Amazon, go to AdamCroll.com and click on the Amazon banner and show us a little love. I love reading your tweets about, hey, I just bought something on Amazon. I'm keeping the pirate ship upload. I love you guys for that, so. And by the way, Fitz Dog, everybody, tickets available. Coming up for the one hour special, five [e-mail] Five bucks only at the Laugh Factory. Right? January 18th, and I've got the show on speed. 7pm on speed. Thursday night. Seen the show, by the way. Very, very funny. He's over pumped. He's pumped. He's over at the gas pump and he's asking trivia questions.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, you had a show on that Speed channel too, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I did. I had a show on quite a few channels back in the day. All right, sniff. Let me drop my pants.

[Giovanni]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Drop my pants and run backwards. Follow me out to the parking lot. Fitzdog.com is where you go, you find out all the show dates, where Fitzsimmons is gonna be.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's a wealth of information what sister.

[Adam Carolla]

He'S gonna be making out with next. So till next time, Sam Crowley for Bald Bryan and Allison Rosen saying mahalo. Hello. Fuck my grandkids. I barely like my kids.

[Giovanni]

All right, this is Adam Kollishow, 737. Coming up next, we have Adam Kurillo show episode 802.

[Adam Carolla]

Jordan Morris, Matt Zeller, Teresa Strosser, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop, 2012.

[Giovanni]

Hope you guys enjoy.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, bald Brian. I could write you a ticket or you could give me a blowjob. Teresa Strasser coming in. Good to see her again. She'll be in in a moment. Yes, a lot of people tweeting me about my heavy breathing into the microphone that is on Dawson. He's fucked around with one of the compressors.

[Allison Rosen]

He gave you the emphysema mic.

[Adam Carolla]

But here's the thing. I don't breathe through my nose. I have a deviated septum. And so I talk and then I refill and then I spit it out again and then I have to refill. Most people, I think, breathe through their nose as they talk. My nose, those. It's not Good. I can't get enough. Like, here's the thing. I am super.

[Allison Rosen]

I rarely hear you take a pause and fill up, though. You're a master at this.

[Adam Carolla]

I am super. Well, not when the compressor is up because everyone's like, what the fuck is wrong with you, man?

[Matt Zoller]

Yeah, a lot of people thought there were lot.

[Adam Carolla]

Lots of loud burps puffing into the mic.

[Matt Zoller]

All I can say is, it will sound so much better tomorrow. So, my bad.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing. Here's my thing. I have a 18 wheeler of a mouth, and my nose is just a Yugo worth of air, you know? And my nose can't support my mouth, so I have to suck it up, right? So I do the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I think that's what people were responding to anyway.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like the little nose that could.

[Adam Carolla]

Except for it couldn't. I get paranoid every time I see one of those movies where they kidnap the journalist and they put the duct tape over their mouth. I go, oh, I couldn't breathe. Yeah, I'd have to explain that to my abductors. Like, listen, hold on a second. Yes, I understand you have a message and you have gaffer's tape, but let me explain to you, but I have something called deviated set. Aw, too late. So, couple things. Let me get preachers for a second. I hope you're all sitting down. I walked into the studio today, and as I'm apt to do is looking around, and we're still doing a little work here, fixing up, cleaning up some of the loose ends. And I've said the same thing to the same merry band of tards who's worked for me for 20 years. Listen. And I've seen it a million times. Like, my bedroom and my house has white carpet. And I put a fireplace in my bedroom. And like, one time when Ozzie was working on my bedroom. You know why white carpet is good in a bedroom?

[Giovanni]

It's not.

[Adam Carolla]

When you're going after the spider that's on the ceiling and you swat at it with a slipper and it falls onto the floor, you got a bead on its ass. When you have the burgundy carpet, it's gone, baby, gone. And I'm telling you, it has helped me many a time. Where there. Oh, there's a spider over the bed, and you flick it and you miss it and it lands on carpet, you fucking track that shit down.

[Allison Rosen]

It should have left the carpet before it made a home in your bedroom.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Running Man. Yeah. And the carpet in my den is Burgundy. And you know how much red wine I've spilled in there?

[Allison Rosen]

I bet the floor is now higher than it used to be. That's right, because there's just a river of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. He said higher. Good stuff. Now, I had Ozzie work on my fireplace, taking out the ceramic logs and undoing the flute pipe thing with the gas thing, and walked in to see that and the pipe wrench and the channel locks and the vice grips all set down on the white carpet. And I've done the spread out the fucking towel and then put the shit you're working on on the fucking towel 3,000 times. And these guys will never, ever, ever, ever do it. And then eventually, when the new carpet goes down at the studio or the new console goes up and they're working on things again, and they got their screwdrivers and they got their biscuit joiners and they're sanding and they're punching holes in the wall, and you just see it's all thrown down on the brand new carpet. I go, what is so wrong with putting a. First off, why am I even bringing this up? Shouldn't it just be, I shouldn't have to bring this up? This is sort of wipe your ass after you take a sloppy shit. Like, really, do you need me standing by the toilet? You went outside the fucking door, Gary. Did you wipe your ass? No, actually, I was just gonna. Gary. And by the way, sorry, not retard. I'm talking not half tart, not semi tart. Gary, the one who works for us. Full tart Gary. I suspect Gary's head injury is affecting his behavior, but it goes without saying. So I've done the. Please, I'm paying you by the hour. Please, I beg you. If you're going to be working on my new carpet or my new floor in my new studio, and you have your tools spread out all over the place, please help yourself to one of the many beach towels that are in the back, that are just here designated to be spread out as a blanket for you to set all your tools on. I've done this with Gary. I don't know Matt Fondelier. I said to him, how many times do you think I've broached this in the four months of the porcelain punisher? I said, how many times do you think I've broached this in the four months we've been working here? He said, I don't know, 200 times. I said, yep. Walked in today and Gary beat me on a technicality. He did not have his tools on the ground. He had all his tools spread out on my ottoman. That's in the corner, by the way. Paintbrush, tape measure, impact gun and bits, screwdrivers, whole thing on the ottoman.

[Allison Rosen]

The floor would be better.

[Adam Carolla]

The floor would be a nice step up would be the floor which was only 12 inches below where spread it all out. And I said, gary, you know the part we always talk about spreading the towel out? And he said, yeah, I got the towel outside. And I said, yeah, Gary, spread the towel out underneath the fucking tools when you're working. One of his greatest moves is spreading the towel out. I've seen the towel spread out when he's working in this. And then the tools sitting right next to all that. This is something we covered before, which is, yes, I technically spread the towel out. I beat you on a technicality. These guys should be tax attorneys. Actually spread the towel out, which you said to do. Put the tools on the new carpet right next to the towel that was spread out. So this time it's.

[Allison Rosen]

Is there actual brain damage with Gary?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, some. But as you know, when people defend them. When people defend them and go, Ozzie does not have brain damage. Although I think the constant use of the chimichurri sauce has slowed him down a little bit over the years. It certainly impaired him. But when people say, well, listen, man, I mean, the guy's a little off. And I always go, listen, first off, I didn't fucking. I didn't throw an advanced calculus problem at him. I said, put a fucking beach towel down when you put your screwdriver down. Like, people go, hey, back off. And I go, you don't understand. This is not complex. I could teach a fucking pigeon to do this. If you get me a handful of seed.

[Allison Rosen]

I was gonna say, I feel like you could teach a dog to do this.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, this is. Well, within any primate, I could certainly do this. And a lot of canine animals. This is totally teachable. I could teach a crow to do this with a handful of Mike and Ikes.

[Allison Rosen]

A crow could teach a pigeon to.

[Adam Carolla]

Do it with a handful of Mike and Ikes. Either way, are Mike and Ike gay?

[Allison Rosen]

No, I just read now. I wish I put this in my news. Mike and Ike are gonna be splitting up. Really? Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

How many times have I brought up Mike and Ike in the last year?

[Allison Rosen]

Never, ever. And so the boxes are now gonna say Mike and Ike, but Mike or Ike is gonna be crossed out.

[Adam Carolla]

Which one's the top.

[Allison Rosen]

Lime flavor? I don't know. I think it's up to you. And it's part of their new, like, ad campaign, is to pretend that they've had some kind of rift in their campaign.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Giovanni]

Hey, we're talking about works.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. How weird is that, though?

[Adam Carolla]

Weird that I would bring up Mike and Ike and their gay status. All right, so let me say this then. I called Matt Fondelier into the room and I gave him one of my many 20 minute inspirational speeches. And I said, get ready for the snort. But I discussed this at some length yesterday, but everybody's so busy with the fuck off or this is how I do it. I've become obsessed with this. This is how I do it. I choose to do it this way. Why are you being a dick? Why are you writing me? I forgot. So cut me a break. And I just realized this is the road. This is a flatline. You will flatline your entire life. The one good thing about being a human being, there's a huge downside and a huge upside to being a human being. The downside is you're aware of your own demise. You're going to die. And it may be sooner or maybe later, but either way, you're going to die. And that part sucks. The good part is you can get better, you can improve, you can go from rags to riches. And it doesn't have to be a monetary thing, but you can learn something. You can learn a language, you can learn to play the cello, you can learn anything. Why not embrace that? The part where you're gonna die, that's a given. But the part where before you die, you can fucking learn something, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Do you want to be looking for your keys before you die?

[Adam Carolla]

Embrace it, baby. And quick self congratulatory story, you know, say quick 25, 30 minutes. We were talking the other day, I'm still riding high over my big Toyota Grand Prix victory. And as I told you, I thought of myself as a pretty good driver. And I was not turning the kind of lap times that I would have liked. When I did it two years ago, it was just the super fast guys were at about a minute 47 a lap. Minute 47 and a half. And I was up at like a minute 49 and a half. And I didn't like it. And I called the fastest driver I knew and one of the nicest guys, Tanner Faust, who will drive the wheels off anything, stunt driver, drift driver, driving everything. I think he was in Europe actually doing like some sort of formula rally cross whatever thing. And I said, tanner, I want to take two seconds off my lap Time. How do I do it? And he said, okay. And I drew out the track on a piece of paper while he was on the phone. And he said, when you're coming down Shoreline, break late. Brake light. You can carry a lot more speed in that corner. And then he said, you know, hit the apex on this corner. Corner, but don't hit the apex on that corner and, you know, go out to the wall. And then he said, I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

What you're talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

At the end of the other straightaway, there's a ton of rubber put down because that's where the drifters get sideways. They lay all that rubber down. He said, there's going to be a ton of grip there. So break late. By the way, the two guys I passed when I was in third, one was at the end of that straightaway. The other was at the end of Shoreline, using Tanner's advice. And he said, look at the end of Shoreline, break hard, break straight. Don't start turning and break because you'll go into the. You'll slide right into the wall. Go from fifth, drop it into third, don't go to fourth. You don't need to go to fourth. Just go to fifth, clutch in, brake hard into third, slow down, straight, turn in hard, and brake late, and carry a lot more speed into that.

[Allison Rosen]

Can we apply this to our street driving if we're running late?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes. So I then went to practice, and I brought the piece of paper that I'd made my little notes on distracted driving, and I looked at it, and I went down there and I did what fucking Tanner told me to do. Because guess what? Tanner's faster than I am, and I wanted his take, and he gave me his take. And then I implemented that, and I did it in practice, and I got a little better qualifying time than I did the year before, and I got up on the front of the grid, and then I won the race. And the reason I did it is because I listened to a guy who knew more about this than I did, and I implemented all the shit that he told me, and now I know it. And when I come back next year to drive as a pro, because they let the winner of the celebrity thing come back and drive as a pro, guess who will be implementing these notes again? That's what you need to do in life. Not, fuck you. Why do you think your car was faster than mine? That's why. No, just go fucking ask somebody. And then if they know more than you, listen to them. And then attempt to apply whatever it is whatever knowledge they've kicked down. And it's the most generous thing. Everyone is so busy telling me to fuck off and get out of their face and shut up. It's the best fucking thing you could do to somebody is pass down a little wisdom. Why are we so defensive? What's this fucking posture? And how come we can't learn? It's just a waste of my time. Oh, God damn. God damn. So everyone, please open yourself up. Do yourself a favor, yes, Open yourself up to a little criticism. Find somebody who's doing a little bit better than you. And instead of going, fuck that guy, bet it's daddy's money, Go. I'll tell you the time I became successful in life. I found some successful people. I formally hung out with my buddies Ray and Chris and all my other jack off buddies from the Valley. And at a certain point, I started to teach boxing. And I started teaching guys that were like airplane pilots. One guy, Shelby Coffey, was the editor in chief of the Los Angeles Times. And I started hanging around with these people that were actually accomplished. And we started talking and Jimmy Kimmel and I just started going, fuck it, I'll just do what they do. Meaning, you know what? I will follow Tanner Faust's line right through this track because he seems to be fast instead of fuck that.

[Giovanni]

Like you looked at your list that said pee on friends legs, you start crossing it.

[Adam Carolla]

Crossing off. I peed on Shelby coffee. What? Did not go well. Did not. That's not what we do. But I'll tell you what I didn't do. Fuck Shelby coffee. You know, his fucking parents had money. You know, he fucking lucked his way into that. That fucking run in the LA Times. You know, fucking luck. And that guy's flying for Delta. He fucking lucked his way into that, you know, probably blew a flight instructor. Fuck that guy. Guy, I'd rather be. Go back to the Valley and be the king of the tards. Drives me nuts. So everyone just shut up and listen and fucking try to learn something. And then when someone tells it to you, implement it.

[Allison Rosen]

And it's this weird knee jerk thing in. See, another thing about humans, I think there's this knee jerk hostility towards someone that knows more than you. Because as much as you want the information, there's also this defensiveness over, well, if they actually know more about something than you do, then maybe they're just judging you. And I think that's what we have to get rid of.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'll tell you who does know more than all of us. Go to my PC.

[Giovanni]

It's not even close.

[Adam Carolla]

Not even close. Brought to you by Citrix. Gas prices going through the roof through the headliner and then the roof. To be more in a place like.

[Giovanni]

This, it's pretty high.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I like to think it's going expensive.

[Adam Carolla]

It is. I think it's going through the roof of a car. That's where you're putting the gas. Maybe that's just me. I'm old fashioned. Either way, you want to save some money? How about you have your meat? You don't have to commute, you don't have to go into work. You can just go ahead and work, get your computer, your work computer. Just get it from your iPad, iPhone, Android, tablet, doesn't matter, right to your office computer. Or if you're office, get it home. Either way, try go to my PC. Free. Free. Oh, you just walk down to the corner, park yourself at the Starbucks, sit there, pop open that pad. You pop open an iPad.

[Allison Rosen]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

You could sure pop that. Bam. Well, I have a cover. I got a desk cover Special 45 day free trial only if you use the promo code ad.

[Giovanni]

If you wanted to the Apple Store. I want something that can pop open.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to pop open because I.

[Allison Rosen]

Picked up this lingo and I must use it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Visit GoToMyPC.com, click on the try it free button and remember to use the promo code. Adam. All right. Is Theresa Strauss around? We found her. Not here yet. Good. Don't worry. I got more complaints Left in me. St. Louis Pageant Theater this Friday the 20th. Still a couple tickets around if you want that and not Taco Bell material. Let's pre order that bad boy. It's up. Still on the top of the charts of Amazon, so God love you for that. And again, Father's Day special. Buy one for yourself and buy another one for dad at full price.

[Giovanni]

That's very special.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, use the link on our homepage for the pre orders through Amazon. And that's love on top of love. That's a love sandwich. That's fucking love sandwich. Yeah. All right, more complaining.

[Giovanni]

Couldn't help but notice your car.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, now I'm looking at my customized Toyota Scion. They won the race.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, they put his name on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Sort of the reason bald Bryan and Allison are having a nice laugh is they give you a goodie bag. They give you a little miniature crash helmet that you can get everyone to sign. They'll give you like a fleece pullover that says Toyota. Yeah, it's the usual coffee Mug, usual fare, some cool stuff in a tote bag. And then they give you a little 118 scale die cast metal car. You know, the ones that are about 10 inches long and they got the door that open and closes. Yeah. And the hood that open and closes. And it's a little model Scion.

[Allison Rosen]

Super cute.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a Scion tc. And it's a car that you. It's a little replica of the car that you race, although the one you race has the supercharger on it, which is kind of cool, but it's the one you race. And I did it two years ago. And I understand that people misspell my name quite a bit. And two years ago, I was marveling at it because I had my name spelled C O R O L L A on the window, and then on the quarter panel it was spelled C A R O L L A. And I think thought, this is fucking mathematically impossible. Like, you really. You have to.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe they were hedging their bets.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't really, because at this point you're having to print up different versions of my name. That's a calorie burner. So anyway, they didn't do this the first year I did it. I've done it three years. I have two mementos, both die cast Scions. One of them has my name spelled two different ways on a car that's nine inches long. I mean, the misspelled name is. Is two and a half inches apart. And this year the name is just. They just went consistent. They got it right this year they just misspelled the name throughout the entire car. It's C O r o l l a on the car. So I'm 0 for 2 in the scions. And I do this thing and I do it at least eight times a week. I turn to everyone who works for me and I go, can you fucking believe how horrible everyone is at their job?

[Allison Rosen]

No more than eight times, at least.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, oh, I said a week, a day. Can you fucking believe how bad everyone is at their job? Like when you were a kid, did you have any idea if some guy said, I was a regional director of our marketing director, I run the head up the. Did you have any idea that the guy was a fucking imbecile and had no idea what he was doing?

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it worse now because there's too many jobs?

[Allison Rosen]

The thing that doesn't make sense is I don't think there's anyone who's walking around. Well, is there anyone walking around who's like, I am horrible at my job and no one gets up my butt about it. There's a good drop. I felt it happening. I felt him invading me as I was saying it.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? That feeling is like when you're blowing past the cop who's parked on a motorcycle holding a radar gun parked in between two cars and you just fucking blow past them and you're like, fuck. Like I could pull on an E brake at this point, but it doesn't matter. It's already blinking 72 in his thing and we're in a 35. Yeah, that's what that drop thing's like with Brian. Yes. Why would you now my name is spelled C A R O L L A on everything else that the Toyota Grand Prix has to offer. It's on my actual full size car. It's spelled that way. And all the press clippings and all the things and all the who's the roster when it does the and this is two months ago. Here's the roster of celebrities that are it is on there. They don't make the car in advance on the off chance that Adam Carolla's gonna join up. I'm pretty sure that would be a colossal waste of time. Just a phone book size list of celebrities that could possibly join in.

[Allison Rosen]

Would they get it from SAG, IMDb?

[Adam Carolla]

I would imagine that they wait till they find out who's gonna be involved with the race on any given year and then they make the decals and put it on the sc.

[Allison Rosen]

One would think that would be the obvious way they would do it. Hence they would be in communication with someone or looking at your name somewhere.

[Adam Carolla]

My name is only spelled one way on every single piece and every single document that they've provided with me thus far for this celebrity race. How does it get swapped up when it goes to the side of the car? Who's making that call? And again, I am not. I'm not yelling at the person for not being able to spell. I can't spell. That's why I'll go to the computer and find out how to spell something. And if you typ name it'll say you mean or there'll be some C and you might find some C A R or C O R. But you can certainly go to my website and find it if you want. Right.

[Giovanni]

Type in Cor. The only explanation is abject incompetence. But possibly, possibly think about this. You know how like when it's like early 2012, you're still writing checks that say 2011. These are Toyota employees. So maybe they write the word Corolla like they write it 500 times a year. The average person writes it 20 twice. You know, I'm saying maybe it's a sense memory thing or muscle memory. I'm saying boldly possible.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't even know if Toyota's still selling a Corolla. It probably is, but, yeah, maybe it is. It's. Maybe it's muscle memory.

[Giovanni]

It's probably just lazy.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't work for Toyota. This is an independent whatever thing that does a bunch of shit out of.

[Allison Rosen]

Thailand, you know, See, I wrote an article a long time ago about Rose McGowan, and I kept writing Rosen McGowan, because my fingers couldn't. Could not put the end because I was used to writing Rosen. But I erased it in every instance of that. So even if it's muscle memory, they should still correct themselves.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, anyway, spelled two different ways on the last car. And then this way, if someone would have told me won the race. Well, tell that dropped out halfway through. To be fair, the guy who was putting the decal on The Keepsake Scion 2 weeks ago did not know I was going to win the race. So let's be fair to him.

[Giovanni]

He should.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, other thing I want to talk about that has nothing to do with any of this. Sea turtles had an asshole. I don't. Sea turtles. I see these documentaries, these heartbreaking documentaries. You see these things where the turtles, they drag themselves up onto the shore, they go way the fuck up on the bank. They go way far away from the water. Then they dig a hole, then they bury the little sea turtle eggs, and then they spread split sea turtles quietly amongst the worst animals on the planet.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, they abandon their young.

[Adam Carolla]

They abandon their young. But not only do they abandon their young, they abandon their young 5,000 yards from the safety of the ocean. So they go way the fuck up the beach, they shit out the kids. Then like a week later the kids pop out and 99% of them get devoured by seagulls and crabs before they get to the water. And here's the thing. If you're fucking sea turtle and you weigh 300 pounds and you move about 7 inches an hour, like you move about as fast as the space shuttle moves when they have it on that big tractor thing at Cape Kennedy and they're moving it to be launched. How about you go 100ft away from the surf, dig a hole and shit out the kids. Why are you going 2,000 yards away? More chance for Your kid to get eaten by a seagull or a crab. And why with your fat ass? Why is it taking so long? I mean, what are you doing?

[Allison Rosen]

It'd be like if instead of giving birth to a baby in a hospital, I launched it out of my vagina towards the moon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, exactly. It's exactly.

[Allison Rosen]

You would have the same chance. Why do they do that? Are they trying to kill their babies.

[Adam Carolla]

With a bunch of angry seagulls standing around just standing on your knees and thighs, waiting for that kid to poke his head out so they could pluck its eyes out with their beaks? Yeah, I'm just saying. And they do. And then they film it and they do that thing where they go, only 1 in 1 million ever make it to the safety of the sea. And I'm always like, well, how's your fucking. Get closer to the shore break? And then shit out the kids there. And then, secondly, I couldn't film that shit because I'd be like, I'd have to shoo. I'd have to shoo the seagull. You know, when I saw the seagull, like, coming down on one that I was filming.

[Allison Rosen]

Nature is cruel.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd have to interrupt nature. Get the fuck out of here. I'd probably bring a loaf of bread or something to distract the seagulls. But all I'm saying is, sea turtles, if you're listening, don't drag your fat ass so fucking far up the beach that your kids don't have a fighting chance of making back the ocean. Do that thing where you come out when the tide is up as high as it gets, go about 50, 60ft, shit out the kids there, and then turn around. Give your fucking kids a fighting chance.

[Giovanni]

What are the chances you formulated this while you were drinking?

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah, Sounds like a very sober argument to me.

[Adam Carolla]

That's when I really turn it on. All right, Teresa Strasser is here. I do believe I'm gonna give a little stamps.com a little love while we bring in Teresa and get her settled. You want to look professional for your clients, your customers, your partners. Yes, yes. Regular stamps ain't gonna do. No, no, no, no, no, no. Leasing a postage meter. Way too expensive. Anyway. Know how to do that? Use stamps.com. you can print official US postage off your own computer, or if you're super lazy, someone you don't know's computer, but they're gonna be pissed.

[Giovanni]

What are you doing in my house?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm printing stamps.com. now quiet down.

[Giovanni]

Fair enough.

[Adam Carolla]

And listen.

[Allison Rosen]

But how do you know exactly how much postage to put on.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God. You're like a question machine. I'll tell you how I know. I got this little digital scale, which we'll be leaving with me, by the way. Way. But I've hooked it up to your computer and I'll get the exact postage off it and it'll print out the exact amount. No risk, baby. You get the scale and you can keep that baby and 55 bucks. Free postage only if you enter. Adam, go to stamps.com. click on the microphone in the top of the homepage. Type in adams.com promo Adam, promo code. Adam. Ah, Teresa Strasser. Great to see you, sweetie pea.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you so much for having me. Congratulations on your victory.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. It's the greatest thing ever in my.

[Brian Bishop]

Life, and I'm glad you've got it in perspective.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of winning, big score. My wife went out to lunch with Teresa the other day. I assumed she would insist on paying, as she's apt to do, but Theresa. Well, Theresa, we should tell the story just because it hasn't been told in a long time. And it always still kind of cracks me up when Teresa and her then fiance.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, we were probably just engaged.

[Adam Carolla]

Went out for dinner one evening with my wife. We just thought it'd be a nice idea for my wife and Theresa and everyone.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's face it, your wife thought it'd be a nice idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, when I say we, I always mean her. Yeah, I didn't mean that. And when I say we, I mean me and my universal remote, Right? But when her idea of we is me and her. So we decided it would be a nice idea to go out and take Teresa and Daniel and my wife, and we'll all go out and eat dinner. And then when it came time to pay, since we invited them out and we're at my restaurant, which charged me full fare at the time, I was like, all right, well, I'll be paying this. And then we'd had a couple glasses of wine, and I jokingly said to Teresa, who has, I'd say, sort of poor self esteem.

[Brian Bishop]

I think that's giving me a lot of credit.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. No self esteem.

[Brian Bishop]

Crippling lack of self esteem.

[Adam Carolla]

Crippling lack of self esteem. So when you kid around, like, it really, like, I noticed it too. Like when people, they can't kid around with me. Like, I was like, really seriously, like, I think you're being serious if you're fucking around half the bullshit.

[Brian Bishop]

Wait, was that inside my head or a drop?

[Adam Carolla]

What? I mean, you're so ugly, you could be a modern art masterpiece. What? Again? So I said, well, now, Teresa, you.

[Brian Bishop]

Guys are talking to my inner demons, not you.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys are wrapping up your food, and that's fine. It's just, you know, the policy is if I'm paying, it's coming home with me. So, you know, eat as much as you want. Order dessert.

[Brian Bishop]

I don't know. I mean, the man.

[Allison Rosen]

I made this mistake as well.

[Brian Bishop]

He's eating pies. Remember the breakup and the pie was thrown and you ate the pie off the. There's Corolla rules. And I didn't know was this an actual rule or was it humor?

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm very dead to it, which is it? And I said, so order all you want, and I'm happy to pay, but if you're gonna. If you don't finish, and you can finish it or do whatever, but if you are gonna take something home or wrap something up, that's coming home with me. And the reason that policy is there. So you don't order like an extra set of pork chops for your dinner talk.

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

If you're gonna announce before people have ordered that you're paying, you have to take precautions.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Otherwise they'll go like, I need the shrimp cocktail. I'll take 12 shrimp cocktail to go. And I also want to take a cheesecake home with me and that kind of thing, so it prevents over ordering. So I said that jokingly to Teresa. And then the following day, and then I had a couple glasses of wine, and Lynette brought home some food too. And then she brought home a pork chop. And Alice, Theresa now got to screw us up. Theresa and Lynette had both ordered a pork chop. And then at a certain point the next day, Lynette, I said, what are you going to have for dinner? And she said, I'm going to have my pork chop. And I said, well, sorry, sweetie, but I beat you to it. I ate it for lunch. I ate your pork chop for lunch. And she said, no, you didn't. And I. I said, I'm pretty sure I ate your pork chop for lunch. And she said, I'm looking at it right now. And I said, well, I definitely ate a pork chop. So if you're looking at a pork chop, that means we brought it home too. There's something very intimate about eating someone's half eaten pork chop.

[Brian Bishop]

He was gnawing flesh at the bone. I'm a vegetarian. So this was the mister's pork chop. And on the way back to the car, he was confused. He said, I don't. Cause he's not in show business. And he hadn't been around really celebrities. And he thought maybe they still hadn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, maybe they.

[Brian Bishop]

According to different rules. Like, maybe they really do take your leftovers if they pick up the check. And he was so confused. But you know what? He got the last laugh. Because you were chewing on his half eaten meat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. And it was. It's very. It's intimate. It's almost gay. And you realize you've, in a sense.

[Brian Bishop]

Been very close to my husband.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. I ate his meat and I grabbed his bone. And the thing is, it's weird because.

[Brian Bishop]

You'Re probably licking off that bone.

[Adam Carolla]

You can have a hit off somebody's scotch or somebody's beer, but off their milk. It's weird. Like, you wouldn't go, give me a taste of that buttermilk, that warm buttermilk you're drinking. And something about a pork chop is the food equivalent to hit off someone's buttermilk. It's a little intimate.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. Anyway. Sorry. Teresa Strasser.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, Lynette, she. Wait, did I let her keep.

[Adam Carolla]

She.

[Brian Bishop]

And I didn't know if she adhered to.

[Adam Carolla]

She said allison. She said, theresa, it happens the other way. That's why she said, Teresa actually paid and she took.

[Brian Bishop]

Why are you so surprised?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the reason.

[Brian Bishop]

And I let her keep the leftovers, although I had claim to those goddamn leftovers.

[Adam Carolla]

The reason I'm surprised.

[Brian Bishop]

It was all I could do to not grab it out of her hand.

[Adam Carolla]

The reason I'm surprised is not because. Not because you're cheap. But Lynette is very generous with my money. Like, we got into a nice. We got into a nice argument once where our buddy Daniel Kellison, who, you know is a good guy, said, hey, how about we go to Mr. Chow's and do up a night? And this was during a moment where I was out of work. I'd been fired from my radio gig, and I gave Lynette the, hey, man, I don't have a job. Like, I've had five jobs at once for the last 15 years. Like, I don't have a job. I'm feeling pretty vulnerable here. So we got to take it easy on the money. And everyone drank their cocktails and had their VO presses, and we all kind of went nuts. And the bill was 600 bucks, 700 bucks. And the bill came, and Daniel pulled out his credit card and went, let's Just split this one down the middle. And I said, that sounds fair to me. And Lynette grabbed it and went, absolutely not.

[Brian Bishop]

Was it in slow motion?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. No. My dive for her was in slow motion. And then the super uncomfortable. What do you mean, no, sweetheart, we're taking care of this one. I was like, they invited us out. You know. Yeah, we'll handle this. We'll handle it.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm like, not you and your universal remote.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Yes. I was like, split the check. He wants to split the check. He invited us out. And she was like, no, no, no, no, no. I insist. And, like, we got in the fucking car, like, soon as the door shuts, like, what the fuck was. What the. What Part of, like, we got to save some money. Where did that come from? And she's like, what? What do you want to do? And I was like, we didn't invite them out to celebrate their engagement. They asked us. We wanted to go to. So I was fully expecting her to pick up.

[Brian Bishop]

Lynette has met her match with me. Because when you combine somebody who's generous to a fault, like Lynette, and somebody who grew up poor and has working class shame issues.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

We don't let people pay for us.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that about you. Yes. Generous to a fault. With my money.

[Brian Bishop]

With your money.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So.

[Brian Bishop]

And I was very hungry, Adam, because I'm eating for two.

[Adam Carolla]

That's. That's what I hear.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Congratulations.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm about to throw my pen at you.

[Adam Carolla]

Larry.

[Brian Bishop]

Where's my hug?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's awesome. No, Lynette, you know, I gotta.

[Brian Bishop]

I should have made that smoother and more poignant.

[Adam Carolla]

And now I'm laughing because Allison's crying.

[Brian Bishop]

She couldn't be happier for me. She loves kids.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm laughing because Lynette did a.

[Brian Bishop]

She wasn't supposed to tell you.

[Adam Carolla]

Nine. She didn't.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I want. I will get those leftovers.

[Adam Carolla]

She did a. She did a bad, like, David Spade early 90s movie version. She. No, it's not her fault. Like, she went like. I went like, how's. How's Theresa? I'm going to get name tags. How's Theresa doing? How's Theresa doing? And she's like, oh, my God, it's great. She's priceless. She's fine. You know, she's priceless. And I. You know, me. My spidey sense. I just stopped and went, what? And she's like, nothing, nothing. She's doing great. I said, oh, she's pregnant. And she's like, God damn it.

[Brian Bishop]

Don't tell. Because Mike lynch isn't gonna tell. He knows. And don't tell Brian or Allison because, you know, I want it to be.

[Adam Carolla]

It was like he tend to be surprised.

[Brian Bishop]

That's not what he does.

[Allison Rosen]

We've seen your ass acting. But he could have.

[Adam Carolla]

I only act when it involves me bringing pork home. That's only. That's my only motivation. Like other people.

[Allison Rosen]

Go to your pork place, try it.

[Brian Bishop]

Again and see if you can be more convincing.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[Brian Bishop]

Get in character.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna picture Canadian bacon. Okay, but let me smell smoky applewood. Hold on a second. Okay, go ahead. So anyway, how was lunch?

[Brian Bishop]

You know, it was great. And I was particularly hungry because I was eating for two.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God, you're pregnant. This is so awesome. Oh, Allison, thank you. Unlike my agent, James Baby doll Dixon and everyone who stood behind me. That is awesome. Now, do you know the sex? Do you want to know the sex?

[Brian Bishop]

Yes. First of all, as Jeff Ross would say, we are outside the actor's studio right now. We are. Sorry I threw my pen at you. Sorry, didn't mean to hit you. Yes, I do know.

[Adam Carolla]

So we have a boy. Currently gonna have another. Oh, good. Easy.

[Brian Bishop]

You think?

[Adam Carolla]

Easy.

[Brian Bishop]

I do love the first.

[Allison Rosen]

But don't you want a matching set of boys? No. Like a boy in a girl, you.

[Brian Bishop]

Know, I think in a perfect world.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Bummer patrol.

[Brian Bishop]

Appreciate that as a woman. Is that what you'd like? Is that what you want?

[Allison Rosen]

Back away from.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a shop vac. No use a shop. Used to.

[Brian Bishop]

I got a wet dry vac, and now I just drink some gin and shop vacs it out.

[Adam Carolla]

I got some Jeremiah weed back there. Gary's back there with the shop vac. Now he won't even put a towel down.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that under his pay grade or can I ask that? Oh, this is like a big favor.

[Adam Carolla]

This is only half tart, Gary. I'm talking about full tart, Gary.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm sorry. That was halfsy. No, here's the thing. The first boy is nothing like me. He's Nathaniel. He's. He's tall. He's blonde. He wants to jump off things. He wants to go fast. He loves motorcycles, loves bacon.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. He wants to hurt himself. Loves himself.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. So he's nothing like. Like me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

And that's nice. I think there's. I think at least. At least in Los Angeles, at least on the east side, we're breeding a powerful generation of little half Jews. Because think about the half Jew. They are going to be a mighty race. They're going to have half of the chromosomal abnormalities of a regular Ashkenazi. They're not going to be nearsighted or have depression to the same extent.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

But they're going to be twice as tough, tall.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. See?

[Brian Bishop]

So they're gonna have all the powers of the gentile with some of the powers of the.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be like if cats were bigger than dogs, they'd never stop kicking our ass. Yes. It's a good thing those cats only get to 9 or 12 pounds. So they'd be beating the fuck out of everyone all the time. Yes, little Norman, I. I am convinced that if. That if, like. Like I'm convinced that if birds got up to £70, they'd just be eating every dog, destroying every car. Like, they'd kick the shit. The only thing that stops them from completely destroying us is the fact that we could fucking crush them with a softball bat. But yes, once the Jew gets giant.

[Brian Bishop]

This is what I'm thinking. My child is enormous.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Once you take Goldberg and then you put the maniacal Jewish brain into that body. You know what I mean?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, but the problem with Jews feel bad saying this, but let's face it, we're inbred, right? So that's why we have all these chromosomal abnormalities. I had all these tests and everything, but because I bred with a non Jew, I wasn't as likely to pass along any of the things I carry, which are Tay Sachs and cystic fibrosis. Good times.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Good name for the black twins. If you ever go that direction. I doubt the little pay sacs and cystic fibrosis.

[Allison Rosen]

You didn't get saddled with the irritable bowel syndrome?

[Brian Bishop]

No, I'm the only Jew that has normal bowels.

[Giovanni]

They're still time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. A jet Jeff Fox pulled up a couple of great pictures of me and my boy Sonny giving me a nice little hug after the race the other day that I think you're gonna enjoy. So we'll throw those up. Just a waste of my time. I'm telling you. I would like to. I'd like to push hard for Dutch as a name. Yes. And I will go with either Dutch or Clutch, but it depends what the last name is.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, it's the long polish. It's like Wojah. So nothing goes with that.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. See, to me, Clutch Wojahowitz sounds pretty fucking good.

[Giovanni]

You don't get tackled by that guy in the open field.

[Adam Carolla]

And Dave Koechner, his Kid's name is Sarge.

[Brian Bishop]

That's a great name. It's very Kennedy, though.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going Sarge, Dutch, or Clutch.

[Brian Bishop]

I was thinking. But it's only fun the way your wife says it, because she could say it Soprano style. But I was thinking of Christopher as a name. But I'd have to find the jewiest middle name ever to neutralize the fact that. That it's. I'd be naming my child after Christopher.

[Adam Carolla]

But you see, then he's just going to get downgraded to a Chris, and then when he insists on people calling him Christopher, they're going to think he's a douchebag.

[Brian Bishop]

No, I've already ruled that out. You can't insist on anything. If he's Christopher, people are going to call him Chris.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

And I have to say, it's just.

[Adam Carolla]

Going to be Chris.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, you're right. Well, if you haven't. So you got Dutch.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, good ideas. I threw out three gems. Dutch, Clutch, and Sarge.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you think Keckner would mind if I just took Sarge?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, his kids. Sarge is probably 6, 7 by now.

[Giovanni]

He's your kid's age, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Do you know what that is? What would that be, approximately?

[Adam Carolla]

About six, seven, something like that. And by the time, you know, by the time you cry, oh, my God.

[Brian Bishop]

That'S the cutest thing ever.

[Adam Carolla]

Just a waste of my time.

[Brian Bishop]

And I understand you're coaching little League now.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm not allowed to coach because I won't get fingerprinted, so I won't. I won't go get the. I won't go get the pedophile test.

[Brian Bishop]

Is that what they do?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you have to go. And everyone. It's. It's. It's one of these things where they go, look, the place is in Toluca Lake, or it's in, you know, Studio City. It's only like, five miles from here. It only costs $19. You're in and out of there in 20 minutes. You get your fingerprint, you get your. Your retinal scan, a little DNA, little mucus sample, and pow, you're back. You get cleared, you get your patyou get your fun day pass, and you're back. And you're back on the field, and that's when you can coach each other.

[Allison Rosen]

Unless you're a pedophile.

[Adam Carolla]

Unless you're a pedophile. And I'm like, I got my boy and my girl, and there's like three or four or five other coaches, and then all the Parents and the son's overhead and we're in the podcast park. Like I didn't say we're gonna go hike the John muir Trail for 20 days and we'll see who returns. Oh, by the way, who's got the lube? Forget about the can opener. Make sure we got plenty of lube. I'm just gonna be standing out in the sunlight coaching the kids with the other adults. And again, my boy and girl twins on the team and everyone does the thing where they go, look, it's just part of one of those things. I am trying to fucking save this country from the self imposed retardism that, that we've done.

[Allison Rosen]

Charge shackles.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we've already fucked up the airport, right?

[Brian Bishop]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Do we want to take that retarded one size doesn't fit all policy from the airport? And we can all admit that the tsa, the security lines, this. I don't care if you're fucking Sandy Duncan's grandmother and you have a bad hip and you're using a fucking walker. We're pulling you out of the line for a random pat search. Or we're going to dust down, we're going to take your suede fanny pack and we need to get a swatch and make sure there's no TNT on that. It's as fucking dumb as security gets. Are we going to take that policy and push it outside the airport? Because that's what we're working on. We're working on just everybody go get fingerprinted. Everybody. Father cannot coach his sons and his daughter in little league anymore. And this is five year old pony league now. Go down and get fingerprints printed and oh, we're going to have, we're going to have a meeting. I guarantee at some point pretty soon I'm going to get a call from my lawyer and he's going to go, you know, you have to have that random sexual harassment meeting now. Blah, blah, blah. What are we fucking doing to ourselves? So I said, no, I'm not doing it. If you want to let me coach, I'll be happy to coach, but I'm not going to go get fingerprinted. And first, don't I need some history? Like why is everybody a fucking shoe bomber and a pedophile?

[Brian Bishop]

Right? There's a lack of common sense and restraint.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And basically we decided that profiling was the worst thing you could do. And now we're all fucked because we're all in the same, we're all waiting in the same fucking line to get fingerprinted. So I'm like, I'm not gonna do it. And then Lynette's like, all right, so great. You're taking an asshole stance and your kids are gonna pay the price. And I'm like, I'm doing it for America, baby.

[Brian Bishop]

Right? I mean, this is the American past. Time is nothing sacred.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

In a sport that makes no sense. Something else that makes no sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Right? All right, do you have. Do we have now? We'll see now. So now what? What am I to do? Do I go down and get fucking fingerprinted like a criminal and just perpetuate this thing?

[Allison Rosen]

See, my whole thing, Sandy Duncan's grandma.

[Adam Carolla]

Do, my thing is we could go. We would all. If we all just said no. If we all. Like, this is my thing with the sexual harassment meeting. When they say a Wednesday, mandatory sexual harassment, meaning from noon to 3 o'clock in the rec room, everyone on the floor, everyone is employed, everybody on the factory, everybody just go, no, no. Not going to be there. And if you want to fire every single one of your employees, fire every single one of your employees. You'll probably have 500 wrongful termination lawsuits. But no one do it. And if nobody did it, they'd get rid of it.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, what I really enjoyed about our sexual harassment training at KLSX was sitting next to Tom Lykis, because I consider that a carnival of fucking irony.

[Adam Carolla]

It is credible because like 20 minutes later, he's on the air going, if that bitch won't blow you, kick that cunt to the curb.

[Brian Bishop]

Pretty much emotionally and spiritually. That's pretty much the whole show. Only it was sitting next to me, wearing his extra formal beard, dandruff, for the occasion.

[Adam Carolla]

It's sibum, actually, to be fair to him. All right, so where were we? The book is Exploiting My Baby. It's available on Amazon. I check on it all the time. It's one of the only books where it's just five stars. Five stars. I mean, you'll see your four star.

[Giovanni]

I mean, it is.

[Adam Carolla]

My books got 4.6 stars. And that's about as good as you're gonna do. But it's not as good as Theresa's book.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, Al, I like to put it. Thank you. I like to put it this way. The reviews, according to the reviews, you cannot put it down. And according to the sales figures, you can't pick it up. But actually, I found out it was a best seller for one week.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it was?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Made the best seller list. Not the list which you're probably already on the next book. The Los Angeles Times on the top of the list. The list. I hear that your new book is already burning up the pre sales charts.

[Adam Carolla]

It's burning up the presales.

[Brian Bishop]

Burning them up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And Mike Lynch. Please, please, please, please, please.

[Allison Rosen]

A lot of pleases ahead of this one.

[Adam Carolla]

Mark. The emails that were sent back and forth today regarding the new book and remind me, I will not.

[Brian Bishop]

Does it have a title?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Not Taco Bell material. I will not do a 45 minute tirade on it tonight. But I certainly don't want to forget and leave anyone out.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, I'm excited for that.

[Adam Carolla]

I love the COVID Thank you. Because there is a boy did. I spent the entire day complaining.

[Brian Bishop]

That must have been fun, Mike. How good was that? How much did you love that? I did bring a bit, but I don't know. Now that we. If we have time.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, let's do it.

[Brian Bishop]

How about you leave the joking to Adam?

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do it. Baby girl Exploiting My Baby again. Available on Amazon. If you're gonna go to Amazon, what do you do? You click through and you go through our site and hit the Amazon banner and you keep the wind in the sails of the pirate ship. Look at us, baby.

[Brian Bishop]

This is nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck terrestrial radio. Look at us.

[Allison Rosen]

Goodbye.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at us. All right, what do we have? Oh, I'm sorry, you have an intro? Yeah. No.

[Matt Zoller]

Teresa Strasser presents Parents of the Week.

[Adam Carolla]

You're the best mom in the whole world.

[Brian Bishop]

Now, you've made a case for profiling in the past and I feel that more than anybody, you've made a very convincing case for judging. And that's what I'm gonna need you to do today when I take a look at some of the Parents of the Week.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, we decided you can't profile and you can't judge.

[Brian Bishop]

Can't judge.

[Adam Carolla]

And we all went to a fucking hamper that was on fire, burning with cat shit in it. That's what happened. Sorry.

[Brian Bishop]

I should say that I was doing a form of this bit on kabc and my co host, Peter Tilden liked it. And the most, the staff people seem to like it. But one man didn't understand it.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Brian Bishop]

That man gave it the silver bullet. That man was Jack Silver. And at that moment I thought maybe it's a good bet.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, to be fair to Jack Silver, he has his thumb squarely on the pulse of the comedic heartbeat of this city. I mean, I mean, remember when Joel McHale would come in every single week.

[Giovanni]

A little too much McHale, if you ask me, right? He's a good kid.

[Adam Carolla]

In doses.

[Giovanni]

Small, small doses.

[Adam Carolla]

Then there was a guy by the name of Zach Galifianakis.

[Giovanni]

Galifa hookas?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Who else? Oh, Louis C.K.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah. I didn't care for him.

[Adam Carolla]

Not funny. Okay, so Joel McHale, Zach Galifianakis, and Louis C. K five years ago, wanted to come in and do the radio show as much as they could. And Jack Silver.

[Giovanni]

I would say history has proven me correct.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, there you go.

[Adam Carolla]

You're welcome. Comedy.

[Brian Bishop]

Adam. A few parents who've made news this week. Now, this is a story that has everything. It has teenage bullying, a hate crime, awful parenting, anti Semitism, and a touch of whimsy.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm intrigued.

[Brian Bishop]

And Jon Lovitz. Can you believe it?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Three 14 year old girls were. Let's just say they were bullies. And they didn't like one of the girls with whom they attended high school. So in the middle of the night, they went to this girl's house with some maple syrup, and they drew several swastikas in maple syrup on the girl's front porch and on her door. And then they left some feces. Unclear whose.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, feces.

[Brian Bishop]

Now here's where the bad parenting comes in. How did they get to this girl's house? House? Well, one of their moms decided to give him a ride. And I don't know how that went.

[Adam Carolla]

To be fair, if my daughter had some log cab and maple syrup and said, I want to go to my friend's house, I wouldn't be like, why? So you could draw a swastika on their front walkway, the words Jew, and then defecate on their porch.

[Brian Bishop]

It was the daughter and two friends. So she was taking three 14 year olds in the middle of the night to a girl's house that they dated.

[Adam Carolla]

Seems weird. Yes, I agree it's bad parenting, but you'd have a hard time saying you knew that that log cabin was gonna be used to make anti Semitic.

[Allison Rosen]

What if you're like, do you need a bathroom before we go? Nope, I'm good.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, I think I have a place. Also, if it was Aunt Jemima. Is that two hate crimes?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm, I think it is. And so she dropped them both. She dropped all three of them off and left.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I think she had to leave the car running. Mom, just keep it close.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm running back because I got.

[Brian Bishop]

Swastika's not that easy to draw.

[Giovanni]

Also, those are drawn wrong. Those swastikas were actually drawn incorrectly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, not that I know what they were looking at.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Okay. Morton Downey.

[Adam Carolla]

If you want to know the correct way to do it, Brian will get his peachy folder out of the locker. And also that's like a weird hanging out. There's something. There's something semi brilliant about the syrup, which.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a touch of whimsy.

[Adam Carolla]

It pops more than you'd think it does.

[Brian Bishop]

It looks good.

[Adam Carolla]

It's gonna be. I mean, you have to get a pressure washer to get those things off. And we know no Jew owns a pressure washer.

[Brian Bishop]

A what? I know pressure, but I don't know. Pressure washer.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Wow. Wow.

[Brian Bishop]

Now this is interesting that you should mention the syrup and how it looks because it's actually not going to do lasting damage, which. Which is important legally because the LAPD is saying that this incident does not rise to the level of a hate crime because it's something that can be pressure washed away. Well, John Lovitz dispensary.

[Adam Carolla]

Interesting.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let's be honest. If this was a black family and there was an N bomb there, you don't think this would be a hate crime? No one feels sorry for the Jews.

[Brian Bishop]

I think what you got, it's true. It's true. I think one cry me a golden.

[Adam Carolla]

River, you Jews, all the way to the studio you own and then walk across it. That's right. Well, Jon Lovitz disagrees.

[Brian Bishop]

He disagrees. And he's been very vocal that these girls should have been charged with a hate crime. Now the only person who may be charged is the mom for driving them. It turns out that's illegal.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. So she may be in some hot water. The kids, it's unclear whether they've gotten really in any trouble at the school, but Jon Lovitz is a family friend and the dad of that family is the son of Holocaust survivors. So he did something. And I wonder what you think of it. A lot. Lovitz tweeted a photo of these three 14 year old bully girls. And I have to admit, in the photo he tweeted, they do look kind of bitchy. They're all giving the finger to the camera and they just look like they might be bitchy. I can't judge. But if you go to a girl's house who you're bullying and put a swastika and maple syrup with a good chance you're probably bullied, there's a good.

[Allison Rosen]

Chance any group of 14 year olds are bitchy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's a very, very good point.

[Brian Bishop]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, wow. Where do we begin first off? I don't know. Sort of aren't all unnecessary crimes hate crimes, do you know what I mean? Like, there's, I want to steal your wallet because I'm a junkie and you have $20 and I want to get a tab, a hit, a smack, whatever. That's a crime. But I don't hate you or your wallet. I just want to get a fucking hit, right? And then there's, I'm going to go out of my way to fuck with you. Whatever color you are, whatever race you are, I'm going to fuck with you, and I'm not going to get any money for it, and I'm not going to get your stereo for it. I'm just going to go out of my way to punch you or fuck with you or desecrate you or whatever. In that case, to me, who cares what color and nationality you are if you walk to the other side of the street and punch a guy and then walk back to that side of the street and you don't get the wallet or the guy's Walkman, Maybe I'm dating myself. Let's go with iPhone. That's a hate crime because you did it just to inflict pain on another human being. So I would go with the. I would go with the anytime you do something for the sake of hurting somebody, and that's the only. Your only payday, the only thing you get out of this is the other person's misery.

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll just throw that in the hate crime category.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, that seems fair.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so you say Spike Lee put their address on what?

[Brian Bishop]

Jon Lovitz tweeted a photo of the girls and basically said, if you want to be famous, famous. Now you're famous. Jew haters. God bless. There you go. So that's the photo that he tweeted you're looking at now.

[Adam Carolla]

The one on the right does look like a young Morgan Fairchild.

[Brian Bishop]

Right? She has a look like maybe she would just as soon make fun of you for being fat.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

It's sad that the feces was so completely overshadowed by the maple syrup writing. We're not even talking about it.

[Brian Bishop]

When, legally speaking, the maple syrup's indelibility is why it's not a hate crime.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. So it's not a crime. Right? Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

If you're. If you're gonna use peanut butter or any kind of condiment lipstick, you're in the clear.

[Adam Carolla]

But spray paint is a hate crime because it's gonna take a wire brush and a Mexican. 10 minutes to get rid of it.

[Brian Bishop]

You know what I'm thinking? This makes no sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it doesn't make sense at all. And by the way, it's not like the. Who cares? You either have the swastika and the Jew and the fecal matter, or you don't. Who the fuck cares if you use a can of Krylon or not? I want to know which one of them was able to pinch that link loaf. Because I know people can't PE at Dodger Stadium. They're like, I can't do it. I can't do it in front of other people. For a girl to squat with the.

[Brian Bishop]

Motor running and another girl's mom out there, maybe her own mom.

[Allison Rosen]

I think maybe they brought it with them.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to check that. I feel like there's a Ziploc bag with shit on it. And the ivy nearby, that. That feels like that shit was cool there.

[Allison Rosen]

See if he has shit rigor mortis.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll dust that shit.

[Allison Rosen]

The shit ballistics.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we'll figure it out. Because I just don't feel like she actually produced. Plus, you're in a pretty vulnerable spot because the one person's got the maple syrup out, the motor's running, the old Jew could open the front door at any moment, and you got your pants around your ankles and you don't know.

[Brian Bishop]

What to expect because this is the child of Holocaust survivors. So they could become violent. Know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

They're pent up rage.

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Also, how much toilet paper do you bring? I'm sorry? To hone in. I'm just saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's how you know just enough, number one. Number two, you can't shit without pissing. So if there's not a pile of piss there, then the shit was brought in because it's really impossible, or virtually impossible just to drop the two without the one. That takes three, baby.

[Brian Bishop]

All right, well, I have a lot of more tales, but sadly, we don't have time for them. Next time I come, we'll get to more tales of horrible parenting.

[Adam Carolla]

Great stuff, Warren. You think we handled everything all right? Oh, we must have done our duty as parents.

[Matt Zoller]

Those were the parents of the womb.

[Adam Carolla]

Duty.

[Brian Bishop]

And you can't have a duty without first a pee. That's what I've learned.

[Adam Carolla]

Exploiting my baby. Available on Amazon. You can try Twitter. Teresa. Teresa Strasser. Website. Teresa Strasser. I was just telling Lynette. She's telling me you're looking at doing some writing. And I said, look, I'VE done enough of these fucking sitcoms. You're better writer than any of those idiots. And you're chicks are you're fucking in over there because they need chicks who could write.

[Brian Bishop]

So I don't know to be if that was a compliment or a hate crime. Was there maple syrup?

[Adam Carolla]

Half a boat.

[Brian Bishop]

When you pooped on my most o lawn, was there penis next to it?

[Adam Carolla]

You're in, baby. That's all, that's all I'm saying.

[Allison Rosen]

You're in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You're in.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep, you can score big. Score big dot com. Baseball season just started. Hey, let's get in on this. Only a scant 157 games left. Average price for an opening day ticket over $70. You gotta be kidding me. Score big. You'd love this because you're Jewish, Theresa. You save up to 60%. And by the way, I'm all ears and nose. You name your seat, you don't get the sloppy seat seconds. You tell them where you want to sit. And that could be at a Lakers game, that could be at a Dodgers game or could be Fenway, could be wherever you are, Yankees game, doesn't matter, Broadway show. You tell them where you want to sit, then you name your prime and they'll see if they can find you that ticket and they do a great job. You can sign up today, use my code Adam and you'll enter to win a great pair of free tickets in your area. Because it'd be a cruel joke if they put you out of town and you want to watch some TV you didn't care about. Score big. So basically you want to go to a Lakers game. Go, look, here's where I want to sit. Here's how much I have to pay. Put it in. And then there's not a bunch of ups and extras. They don't tack on a bunch, not even tax the tickets. Show up none them of none of that Ticketmaster stuff or anything. Just, that's the price. Those are the tickets. Scorebig.com Click on the radio button and enter the code Adam. Always less than full price. Never, Never any fees. Scorebig.com Enter the code Adam. All right, we will take ourselves a little break. Jordan Morris is here and Matt Zoller, I believe it is. Did I get that? That.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it might be Matt Zar. Let's bring them both in, find out.

[Brian Bishop]

I, I, I just want to say thank you so much for having me and it was so great to be back.

[Adam Carolla]

Come back every single week. And Jordan, we've Had on before. You know him from Jordan. Jesse, go and that podcast. We'll talk to these two cats next.

[Matt Zoller]

It's time to check Adam's voicemail.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam still in Oregon. Just wondering whatever happened to prisoner David and can we get him back? Guys, we haven't heard in a long time. All right, thanks, man. Love what you do.

[Matt Zoller]

You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't remember what happened in prison, Prisoner David. This recorded call is from an inmate at a California correctional facility. This thing that would pop up when he would call us, like at the most comical moments when he'd go, like, I wrote a poem for you. It goes something like this. It's. Anyway, it's about my mother. I hope I can hold back the tears. Inmate at a California correctional facility. Anyway, it's.

[Jordan Morris]

It's awkward when that. That comes on over. The sounds of a prison rape too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Oh, yes.

[Allison Rosen]

In the background, but yet redundant. Right, Right.

[Jordan Morris]

We can tell this is a very distinct sound of a prison.

[Adam Carolla]

Jordan Morris and Zach Z. Matt.

[Theresa Strasser]

Matt.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry. Z. Z it up, Matt.

[Allison Rosen]

Zoller. You were right, Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I said Z or something.

[Theresa Strasser]

Z is correct.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Zoller is correct.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, you were right earlier.

[Theresa Strasser]

Thank Baller with a Z if you want to be really corny about it.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Okay. Anyway, everything Jordan, we know because Jordan's been in here a couple times. Matt, we don't know. Let's talk Matt for like eight seconds.

[Theresa Strasser]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

What do we need to know about Matt 7.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, I hosted the tour to thrill list which we're going to be talking about. I do comedy and I'm a cancer.

[Adam Carolla]

This recorded call is from an.

[Jordan Morris]

Jail for arson.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

Let's talk. I also I freelance. I mic up prisons. I mic them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

So they're fully ready to go for podcasts.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like the acoustics would be.

[Theresa Strasser]

Good or really echoey. The shower is tough.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's talk about the tour de Thrillist. How does that work?

[Jordan Morris]

Sure. Matt and I did a road trip. We drove from LA to New York and made some cool videos along the way. Did some neat Thrillist related activities and there's a contest that people can enter. They can win the same thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, I've seen a lot of commercials where young cool folks like yourself go out and take road trips.

[Jordan Morris]

Oh, yeah, there's a lot of hanging our bare feet out the window. A lot of air guitar.

[Adam Carolla]

Who was. You had to have two things. Then you have to have the good looking chick with The Funky Frames, who's not traditionally good looking, but still very cute and has very nice skin.

[Jordan Morris]

Looks like. Looks like she'd do some fun stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

In the set, right?

[Theresa Strasser]

And then that was me, but I really. I broke my glasses.

[Adam Carolla]

And then you need. You also need a random hipster black friend in the back for no reason. What happened to him? Was he there?

[Jordan Morris]

You know, it was originally going to be one of the guys from TV on the Radio, but he backed out, so I had to step in. I was step up. I was as black looking a guy as they could find.

[Adam Carolla]

And so what do you guys.

[Jordan Morris]

I have a giant black cock.

[Adam Carolla]

You go from town to town, discolored.

[Jordan Morris]

Like the Incredible Hulk.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. And you do what?

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah, so we did some cool stuff in. In la, we cooked with one of the guys from Top Chef. And in Vegas, we flew around in those tiny kind of World War I.

[Theresa Strasser]

Style fighter jets we played laser tag in the air with. In fighter jets.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna say probably wasn't from World War I.

[Jordan Morris]

World War I style. In the style of a World War.

[Allison Rosen]

I, World War I esque.

[Adam Carolla]

Were they biplanes?

[Jordan Morris]

They were not.

[Theresa Strasser]

They were.

[Jordan Morris]

I don't think. There were some Rockettes on the wing.

[Adam Carolla]

Doing some high kicks, single wing planes, right?

[Theresa Strasser]

We pulled five GS.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, five GS. It's a lot of cash for.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yep, five grand. That's what we got paid for this thing.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're flying those planes like they would fly in that red bulk thing where they, like, stunt planes where they'd like, do their snap turns and it's crazy, right? Did you vomit?

[Allison Rosen]

Newbie's cousin fly one of those?

[Jordan Morris]

I think you're thinking of a doghouse.

[Theresa Strasser]

Yeah, he flew a dog house.

[Adam Carolla]

So did you guys. I mean, was it freak? Because those things are crazy, right?

[Jordan Morris]

Here's what happened. Re. Vomit. He did vomit. Yeah, yeah. Spoiler alert. I vomited. But we. We had this conversation with them beforehand where I asked, do people vomit on this? Because it seems like they would. And the guys were real cool about it. They're like, like, hey, you know what? Honestly, there's a barf bag in front, but if you start to feel sick, just let us know and we'll level out. We'll fly till you get your. You know, till you get your bearings. Everything will be cool. We're up there, we're flying around. I start to feel the vomitness coming up and I tell the guy on my little speaker, hey, I'm starting to feel a little nauseous. Can we slow down? Guy fucking does. Pays no attention to me. Loop the loop. Pretends to crash. And like, I sort of. So I'm.

[Theresa Strasser]

I shot you down. That's why that happened, right?

[Jordan Morris]

Yes, it probably had somebody.

[Theresa Strasser]

I laser shot him down.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say this about the vomit?

[Jordan Morris]

You may, please.

[Adam Carolla]

They always do this thing. And it's the only reason, you know, to me, one of the most thrilling things ever. And a lot of celebrities do it and say it's the greatest thing. Oh, flew with the Blue Angels. You get in that F18 and blah, blah, blah. And I think it's a point of pride for the pilot to make the celebrity vomit. But let's just put yourself into his shoes for one second. You're sharing the same phone booth with him, right? You know what I mean? Like, we all know if a dude fucking yaks at a party, it's fucking bad enough on the patio, right? You know what I mean? Like, oh, fuck, man, the wind's blowing this way. This fucking.

[Jordan Morris]

You know, if you're in a Buffalo Wild Wings and some chicken pomegranate martinis.

[Adam Carolla]

In that bathroom, it's enough for you to put down.

[Jordan Morris]

Ruins your trip to Buffalo Wild Wings.

[Adam Carolla]

You will set the down your drum at lickety split.

[Jordan Morris]

Well, I'm usually there on Boneless.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, this is a $75 million airplane. Sure. Yeah. And the space for you, you know, Maverick and Snowman are about the size of literally Goose and Maverick. Or like someone took a fucking phone booth and laid it down on its side. Do you really want, at 25,000ft in your $70 million phone booth, a guy yakking.

[Allison Rosen]

Why doesn't he just barf right into your mouth?

[Adam Carolla]

And that's the other thing, too. Like, my whole thing is listen. Say what you know. Do what you will. Do all the snap rolls and inverted, inverted loops and everything that you want. Pull all the G's you want. When I'm gonna yak, I will tell you. And I will not yak into the bag. I will yak down the back of your fucking shirt. You understand? Like, I will yak down the back.

[Allison Rosen]

If I were my plan, I'd be like, hey, if you're gonna bar, fluff me know.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you will find. Don't barf in my plane of my vomit in your urethra the following morning. So if you'd like to make me throw up, there's gonna be vomit all over the canopy.

[Jordan Morris]

You're saying I should have grabbed the guy by the dick, ripped it out of his flight suit? Absolutely and then pinched the tip.

[Adam Carolla]

100. Yeah. To try to get a little extra width. Emptied it. Yeah. You sucked out the content. And then.

[Jordan Morris]

I am not gay, but I will suck a dick so I can puke into it.

[Adam Carolla]

Filled that bag with vomit. That will be my sick bag. Your ball sack will be my sick bag.

[Jordan Morris]

Does it count as gay? Does it count as gay if you're. If you're sucking a dude's dick so you can spitefully puke into it?

[Allison Rosen]

No. I've never heard anything more heterosexual.

[Theresa Strasser]

Bear Grylls does it all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he does.

[Theresa Strasser]

But you know what? I would recommend actually vomiting because when we got. When we actually landed, I was so disoriented and dizzy because I didn't. I was like, oh, man up and not vomit on this thing. And I knew that you had vomited. And when we got down, I mean, you were a little disoriented, but you were, like, lucid. You could talk.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

You were, like, hosting, you know, and the cameras are rolling, and I'm, like, holding it in so hard. So I recommend just letting it go.

[Adam Carolla]

I told Bear Grylls it got cut up two, three years ago when I did Kimmel. I think they cut it out, but they showed Bear Grylls, and he was, like, eating a tarantula and. And then he followed it up with some, like, bark dessert. And then show him, like, capturing, you know, a jellyfish and, like, literally just, like, eating it live. And just all the weird. Live. Horrible.

[Jordan Morris]

He steals a piece of corpse from a vulture.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. And eats that. And I was like, it's also been.

[Jordan Morris]

In a vulture's mouth in addition to being a corpse.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, this is impressive, but the problem is you have no excuses in the bedroom when your wife wants a little oral. There's no way I don't go there. Baby, I just saw you eat a fucking whale Fin. Okay, don't tell me anything.

[Jordan Morris]

How about a back rub? Doesn't work in that situation?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying there ain't nothing you won't put in your mouth, buddy. So get the fuck down there.

[Theresa Strasser]

He'd probably have a really popular restaurant in Silver Lake. I mean, people would be lining up out the door.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, so we talked about sucking cock and eating pussy. Sure. Can we move on or are we good? Where should people go? What are we doing? If people want to enter this contest, there's the Thrillist.

[Jordan Morris]

Website is thrillist.com and facebook.com. thrillist is where you can enter the contest.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's all the Cool things that are going on in your city if you're a dude. And for the contest again, thrillist.com Adam, join the contest and you could be yakking in an airplane.

[Allison Rosen]

You too can into a man's penis.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

You can quit your day job to do this. It's a worthwhile while. Quitting your day job just to do the trip.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The tour de Thrillist, I would say. All right, shall we round trip airfare, by the way, to la, Vegas, Austin, Philly, and New York. Jesus Christ. All right, shall we do a little news and hang in and track wise with Allison Rosen? She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it cut. It's Allison Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

George Zimmerman's defense team has asked for a new judge to preside over his case after it came out that the current judge assigned to the case has a possible conflict of interest.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you say nude New. Oh, okay. That makes more sense.

[Allison Rosen]

Would also be preferable. A circuit judge, Jessica Rexeidler, is married to a man who is a partner at the same law firm as Mark Nijme, a lawyer and CNN analyst who's not only commented widely on the case in the media, but been approached numerous times by Zimmerman about legal representation.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, I have seen a lot of promos for TV shows. Is this an all new judge because of like an old. New Two and a Half Men?

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah, right.

[Allison Rosen]

It's all.

[Adam Carolla]

Or is it just a new judge because I've learned from watching promos. We got an all new Cougar Town coming up.

[Allison Rosen]

They want all new, but I was gonna say also all new.

[Jordan Morris]

I want someone who has never judged a case before.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I want that new judge smell.

[Jordan Morris]

Okay. I want them to point to each of the attorneys and go, okay, so which one's which?

[Allison Rosen]

I want them to pick up the gavel and try to talk into it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jordan Morris]

And then try and use a banana as a gavel.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Now, there's no other way.

[Adam Carolla]

I want someone.

[Allison Rosen]

Agreed. But let's just talk about the fact that she's pretty hot for a judge. I think she looks kind of like. I believe it's Susan Walter who played Priscilla Presley in Elvis and Me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Just a little resemblance.

[Theresa Strasser]

She looks like a Cardiff Kardashian a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah. She does have a kind of like a. Like a Jersey shore kind of like, I will give you a handjob. Under a bleacher look.

[Theresa Strasser]

Perfect for reality.

[Adam Carolla]

She has one of the sisters from Eight is Enough, by the way. There was the blonde one, and then there was the second. There was a second sister. If we can find the cast. Ace, enough. She's got a little of that in her, too, but she has strong eyes. Yeah, yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

Judging.

[Jordan Morris]

How many times a day do you think she hears all that? I was gonna say, how many times do you think she hears, I'd like to bang your gavel probably too much. I probably would not say it because I'd be afraid she hears it too much, so.

[Allison Rosen]

Mark o' Meara. That's Zimmerman's current lawyer, Mark Omara's office filed paperwork Monday asking that Seminole Circuit Judge Jessica Rexeidler step down. Omara said Friday that the potential conflict of interest might become more and more problematic given the scrutiny of the case is receiving.

[Adam Carolla]

I like when the idea. I like the idea where they want to move it somewhere like we don't have TV sets. And also, do you want the group, like the notion of. And I don't know if they're having a jury or not. Did we figure this one out? I think they will, but this notion of we need 12 people that have never heard of this case and an all new judge.

[Allison Rosen]

Can you imagine?

[Adam Carolla]

Really? But the notion of 12 people have never heard of this case.

[Jordan Morris]

You're narrowing it down to survivalists, militia dudes.

[Adam Carolla]

There's guys living underground in Plentywood, Montana, that are stockpiling garbanzo beans and munition. We want those guys.

[Allison Rosen]

They sound good.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking full beards out to here. Like, we want those guys coming in.

[Jordan Morris]

But these are also people who think that Jews turn into reptiles when no one's looking. Like, this is the same group.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe we should just get 12 smart people, just leave it at that, huh?

[Allison Rosen]

Good luck finding 12.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Zimmerman is scheduled to return to court Friday for a bail hearing. Pippa Middleton, sister of Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, faces possible arrest for a stunt that happened over the weekend in Paris.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me. Let me say this. I don't know why, but I don't know. Gil Garcetti or somebody's name came up when I was eating with Kevin Hinch. I love Kevin Hinch because he's the only guy who's more angry than I am about everything. And we were talking about how, you know, Marcia Clark and Chris Darden are sort of heroes.

[Jordan Morris]

Oh, yeah, the old. The old OJ Trial team.

[Adam Carolla]

Heroes because you guys blew a fucking layup. Heroes because there was fucking Bruno, Mali, Prince, and DNA all over the fucking place. And you guys fucked this thing up like you guys are heroes.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what you think. Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

People do this thing where they're like, oh yeah, the la, the da, the Lada and Marshall, Marcia Clark and darn. Like, these guys are big. They're just as much a victim as Nicole Brown Simpson was. And it's like, to be fair, their.

[Jordan Morris]

Heads are still on their bodies. Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, you guys are colossal fuck ups. And I know you're writing books, but unless the book is how to fuck up a layup of a case, I'm not fucking interested in it. Jesus Christ. You guys are horrible at what you do.

[Jordan Morris]

Who's the baseball player who's famous for letting the grounder go through his legs during the war? Yeah, it would be like, bring that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Bill Buckner. Yeah, I'm gonna instruct kids how to play first base and meaningful games.

[Theresa Strasser]

Bring Edo back, Zimmerman.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ, this guy's that case up royally. And I know people are stupid and they don't understand DNA, whatever, but God damn, did they fuck up a layup of a case?

[Jordan Morris]

The other guy, the guy they were arguing against, was coming up with little rhymes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Why? If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit. Lost to a first grade teacher. You must acquit. Yeah, you lost to Nipsey, Russell's cousin. Okay. You guys are ups of the highest order. I haven't done a. I was put on academic probation at La Valley Junior College. I could have won this case. So you guys are not heroes.

[Theresa Strasser]

Take you out for an imported beer.

[Adam Carolla]

I love the fact that these guys are victims and heroes and all the. All they did was fuck up the easiest case in the world. All right, anyway, sorry, where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

But that cop guy that we're looking at looks like someone from a Police Academy movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Pippa.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Pippa and three others were in a convertible in Paris. Paparazzi's were trying to get shots. The driver of the car Pippa was in, who has not yet been identified, pointed a gun at the photographers. Some say it was a fake gun. And here are the photos that were printed. And now everyone's freaking the fuck out and they're saying that they might. Might face arrest because. And look at Pippa, she's smiling and what the hell?

[Theresa Strasser]

Didn't Princess Di not make it out of a situation similar.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, people are bringing that up.

[Jordan Morris]

Are we still, culturally, are we still in a place where we consider celebrity photographers and paparazzi like sub human Scum. I kind of felt. Because, like, didn't Russell Brand chuck that guy's phone? And everybody was like, oh, it would.

[Allison Rosen]

Be happy when people hurt them.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jordan Morris]

I would think they would probably not.

[Allison Rosen]

Be, but it's not okay to just pull a gun on someone.

[Adam Carolla]

It's okay with me. I don't give a fuck. And what if someone said, hey, would you be happy if Princess Di's driver pulled a gun on the guys in the scooters behind her before she hit the pylon in the tunnel? I think everyone would be cool with that. Yeah. Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

All right, well, this is just irresponsible driving.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it's true.

[Theresa Strasser]

I mean, the driver is turned around pointing a gun.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

He looks like he's also checking his phone.

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, maybe it's a gun.

[Giovanni]

I want to know on their side.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta be honest. If I was to judge, I would need to know what kind of music was playing in the car. Because if there was banjo music, it would be cool. Like, if it's one of those hoedown.

[Jordan Morris]

Oh, yeah. If this could be like a Duke's hazard chase.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like, if I heard some serious picking and grinning going on, then that's fine with me. But if you have classical music, no can do with the gun.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

That makes you should be calm.

[Theresa Strasser]

What about Club Music Club 2?

[Adam Carolla]

Feel like that'd be all right for a gun too.

[Theresa Strasser]

Okay.

[Jordan Morris]

I was thinking Zydeco, something with a nice washboard or a jug.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the wrong kind of gun. Looks like he's got a nine millimeter. This is more, you know, Zydeco's more double barreled.

[Jordan Morris]

Oh, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So the crime is matching the gun to the music.

[Adam Carolla]

I need to hear some. If they told me it was on Sirius xm. All banjo all the time. Nothing but bluegrass and banjo.

[Allison Rosen]

Nothing but picking, it would be called.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

Johnny Cochran's unreleased rap album, perhaps?

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe. Yes. If they were playing, oh, Smoky Mountain Getaway or whatever the fuck that song is. If I was hearing that ban. What the fuck banjo song is that? Michael lynch knows. Yeah. Getaway Mountain.

[Jordan Morris]

I feel like banjo to me is a lot like Foggy Mountain Breakdown.

[Adam Carolla]

Foggy Mountain Breakdown. There you go.

[Jordan Morris]

Banjo to me is a lot like the didgeridoo. And it seems like, well, I guess you're good at playing this, but it all sounds like the same song to me. Like, banjo plays one song. It's didgeridoo plays one song. It's wah wah, wah, wah, wah.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I say banjo worse instrument to pussy Ratio.

[Jordan Morris]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Like I'm gonna tell my son. Listen, you want to get laid, right?

[Jordan Morris]

Pussy's a concern.

[Adam Carolla]

Pussy's obviously. It's a pretty big concern for Corolla. Now, look, play the harp. You can play a banjo flute. The banjo is gonna cost three times as much as a guitar. It's gonna. Waste of my time. It's gonna. Wait. It's gonna weigh twice as much, and it's twice as hard to play. And you get one twentieth the pussy.

[Theresa Strasser]

And you have to wear a guitar.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

A pick on every finger.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

That's not cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Steve Martin will respect you. That'll be it.

[Theresa Strasser]

You're gonna look like you have Coke nails. Yeah, five coke nails.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't bother, son. Play the fucking guitar.

[Jordan Morris]

Look at the celebrities that the banjo has. It goes. Steve Martin is the top one. It's a pretty good one, I think we can all agree. And then.

[Theresa Strasser]

Banjo player.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I would guess.

[Jordan Morris]

And then the second one is Grandpa Jones from Hee Haw.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Jordan Morris]

Next one.

[Adam Carolla]

And imagine Kermit. Yeah.

[Jordan Morris]

Oh, Kermit. Kermit's pretty fuckable. Picture of all the Muppets.

[Adam Carolla]

Picture Lenny Kravitz.

[Jordan Morris]

I mean, no dick.

[Adam Carolla]

Picture Lenny Kravitz holding a banjo instead of a guitar.

[Jordan Morris]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

No one would fuck him.

[Jordan Morris]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my point. Even Lenny Kravitz?

[Jordan Morris]

Well, fewer people.

[Adam Carolla]

Fewer people.

[Jordan Morris]

He's a biracial rock star who's in the.

[Adam Carolla]

He's super fuckable. But I'm just saying he'd get quite a bit less pussy if he was doing Are youe Gonna Go My Way? And holding a banjo.

[Jordan Morris]

Lenny grabbed him.

[Allison Rosen]

Taking quite a hit in the quality of pussy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying. Wait a second.

[Theresa Strasser]

Kermit could whip a finger out if he had to.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Or stick.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah. Oh, we're not saying that Kermit couldn't finger a chick.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry.

[Jordan Morris]

That was never on the table.

[Allison Rosen]

I think the joke is, what does Kermit's finger smell like? A bacon. Okay, okay, okay. So I saw a story this morning. Morning. That makes me want to vomit a little on Good Morning America. It's about an extreme diet. Brides to be are going on to shed about 20 pounds in 10 days, and it involves inserting a feeding tube into their noses that runs into their stomachs. Through this tube, they're fed a constant slow drip of protein and fat mixed with water, which contains zero carbohydrates and totals about 800 calories a day. And they carry a food bag with them while they're on this diet that involves the tube down their nose. Evidently, they don't feel hunger the whole time. It's an outpatient procedure, and here's a clip from the good morning America story about it.

[Brian Bishop]

But the diet she tried was no.

[Adam Carolla]

Ordinary calorie counting program. Jessica says she went extreme, spending eight.

[Brian Bishop]

Days on a feeding tube, part of an increasingly popular but somewhat controversial program.

[Adam Carolla]

Called called the KE diet, which promises to help you shed 20 pounds in just 10 days. It's a very effective diet. It's a hunger free diet. Dr. Oliver DiPietro showed us how it works.

[Brian Bishop]

Dieters insert a feeding tube into their.

[Adam Carolla]

Nose, which runs to the stomach. They're fed a constant slow drip of protein and fat mixed with water.

[Brian Bishop]

Zero carbs, totaling 800 calories a day.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to fart into that thing.

[Brian Bishop]

At some point, body fat is burned.

[Adam Carolla]

Off through a process called ketosis, which leaves muscle intact. Your hunger and appetite go away completely. So patients are absolutely not hungry at all for the whole 10 days.

[Brian Bishop]

DiPietro says patients are under a doctor's.

[Adam Carolla]

Supervision, though they're not hospitalized. Instead, they carry a food solution with.

[Brian Bishop]

Them in a bag like a purse.

[Adam Carolla]

Keeping the tube in their nose for 10 days straight.

[Brian Bishop]

And DiPietro says there are few side effects.

[Adam Carolla]

The main side effects are bad breath, There is some constipation, and having a.

[Allison Rosen]

Tube in your nose in public.

[Brian Bishop]

Still, it wasn't easy emotionally, like difficult.

[Adam Carolla]

And sometimes I had to give explanations to people who. Jessica, what's up with you? Are you sick? Are you dying? No, I'm not sick. I'm not dying.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm fine.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just awful.

[Jordan Morris]

I'm the worst.

[Adam Carolla]

This has been around for years. All right. Two.

[Jordan Morris]

Two issues. One, that last woman looked like a stripper. I think we can all agree if you have a tube in your nose. How do you do coke? Seems to come with the territory.

[Theresa Strasser]

Our weight loss.

[Jordan Morris]

Right. There's a tried and true weight loss method that comes up.

[Adam Carolla]

You'd have to tee into it. Like, you'd have to put like a t into it. Like in plumbing. Be like a clean out drain or something where you could actually plug in your dollar bill that was filled with coke, shut off your protein supplies so you could do a bump and a rail. Yeah, the freeze. No problem.

[Jordan Morris]

Oh, yeah, I guess you can do.

[Adam Carolla]

The gut b. Yeah. You just have to y or t into the thing. No problem.

[Theresa Strasser]

You can also just go with kidney failure or something like that.

[Allison Rosen]

More traditional or the Atkins diet is supposed. It's the same as the Atkins diet, the side effects they're describing. So I don't, I don't understand why having a tube down your nose straight into your stomach is preferable to just eating only 800 calories per day, non stop.

[Adam Carolla]

10 days, actually. They say, like, well, you're not hungry, but you're not hungry because you have tubes going through your nose. It's not that you're. Not that you couldn't go for a burger. You just can't enjoy anything when you're being. You're being tormented by this fucking PVC pipe that's going in your nostril. Right?

[Theresa Strasser]

Well, yes, maybe you can't smell anything also, so you couldn't enjoy.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah, maybe that's it too. Yeah, you don't get hungry. But also, why is there such a big deal about being portable? Why do you have the purse if you are a fucking vain monster who's walking around with fat shooting up your nose? Why do you want to, like, go shopping? Why do you want to go window shopping?

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I was thinking in the beginning. I thought, oh, maybe they just put you in the hospital for 10 days. I was like, you know, I could go for that.

[Jordan Morris]

Join the girls for brunch. They can eat, you can gab.

[Adam Carolla]

Who wants to have that conversation? Also, I don't believe anyone's doing this. I think this is one of those new stories. And by the way, it's 2012. Do you know how many fucking diet stories that begin with the. And speaking of the battle of the bulge, like, first off, the fucking battle of bulge is 75 years old. Number one. No one even fucking knows what the bottom of the bulge is. The Bay of Pigs, the battle, the bulges anymore.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that where you're just trying to fight off those pounds?

[Adam Carolla]

There has to be a fucking fucked out, no fly zone list in the back of every news station that says, cannot do the battle. I don't want to see in print in Chiron. Battle of the bulge underneath the picture of the fat person waddling across the street whose face is obscured.

[Jordan Morris]

It's like telling a hot judge, I'd like to bang your gavel, just as Plato.

[Adam Carolla]

Totally fucked up.

[Jordan Morris]

Reprehensible.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. All right, Anyway. And then all you're gonna do is immediately pack that weight back on on your honeymoon. Right. When you're with the basket of bread keeps showing up.

[Allison Rosen]

I think the minute the tube comes out of your nose.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah, I think, yeah, they're probably picking it at the reception.

[Adam Carolla]

This is one of Those. You know, once, once in a while, you have to admit terrorists are right. Like, you know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Jordan Morris]

Lay waste to our society.

[Adam Carolla]

We're horrible.

[Theresa Strasser]

Have they seen this?

[Adam Carolla]

We're horrible.

[Jordan Morris]

Women are carrying around a bag of fat in their purse, going up their nose. And us.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, do you remember. Did anyone here watch the second season of the Real World in la? There was that one woman who had her jaw wired shut for weight loss. You don't hear about that anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. She was the one who seemed like the survivor of abuse or incest or something, because she was the one who was fucking around the whole time and then turned it into rape at a certain point.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, she accused Kevin. Right. And got Kevin kicked out of that.

[Theresa Strasser]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And then with her mouth shut wired.

[Theresa Strasser]

She couldn't even talk.

[Jordan Morris]

I'm having dorm flashbacks, by the way. People are talking about Real World and I don't know what's going on. I'm just gonna stare at this fucking blacklight Scarface poster.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the point is, she accused him of rape, but then there's videotape of her running around, like, grabbing at the guy's towel and laughing and doing the whole thing. So. And then they do that thing where she does the thing where she goes. I was felt. I felt threatened. I felt. I was horrified. I felt threatened. It's like you felt threatened. We have videotape of you laughing, trying to pull the chick's towel off. So that's feeling threatened.

[Allison Rosen]

It was no Irene Stevens situation. That's what happened in Seattle.

[Adam Carolla]

When that guy threw the bear.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, when he threw his teddy bear into the drain.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I miss those kids.

[Allison Rosen]

And then she slapped. He slapped her, right? She slapped him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And then she got Lyme disease. Very tough season.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

Now you have to have a sex tape to get a reality show. So we've come a long way.

[Adam Carolla]

We really have. We've really progressed.

[Allison Rosen]

Do think.

[Jordan Morris]

You think the next step is a rape tape that's kind of combining.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that like a mild snuff film? Like a snuff film that doesn't go all the way?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Dusting of snuff, for sure.

[Giovanni]

Just.

[Jordan Morris]

I. I had it. I had a camera in the bathroom of this Buffalo Wild Wings bartender forced his way in.

[Adam Carolla]

We gotta get them on as a sponsor.

[Jordan Morris]

I actually have a little deal on the side with them. I talk about them as a place where you could puke and get raped.

[Adam Carolla]

Vomit and rape.

[Jordan Morris]

And I get a gift card for six. Boneless as a weight.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that a real thing? Boneless, yeah.

[Jordan Morris]

Boneless Thursdays at B Dub Dub Weekly.

[Theresa Strasser]

We actually had it on the tour to thrill list.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We did.

[Allison Rosen]

Coachella audience members were in for a shock Sunday night when rapper Tupac, who died in 1996, joined Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg on stage via hologram. The rapper performed his hits Hail Mary and Two of America's Most Wanted. And even Green greeted the crowd with a what's up, Coachella?

[Adam Carolla]

Here's a real question. What do you think Snoop Dogg called it? Because he wouldn't have called a hollow grizzle. He's a hologram.

[Theresa Strasser]

An h jizzle.

[Adam Carolla]

He got himself a hollow knob here.

[Jordan Morris]

I'm going with Hammogram. Hammogram sounds like a fun one.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. That's all I want. All I want is backstage with a super high Dr. Dre and a super Snoop explaining to somebody. What we had is a hamper Graham coming out here.

[Theresa Strasser]

I think he was tweeting. He was live tweeting backstage. We should just consult his tweets.

[Adam Carolla]

So we had a. Wow, it looks amazing. I know.

[Allison Rosen]

Now see the video? It looks so real. And evidently it really did look very real when you were in the audience. One concert goer wrote on Twitter, this place just went silent. People are genuinely horrified by the two people hologram.

[Theresa Strasser]

There wasn't enough room on stage for a hologram Biggie, but maybe they could.

[Jordan Morris]

Maybe there's like a program where that's just kind of, you know, a generic. You know, like in video games, how. There's the generic figure that you can kind of dress up when you start the game. Maybe that could be Princess Di, maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sure. Wow. You know, I'm a celebrity.

[Jordan Morris]

You want to be.

[Adam Carolla]

I knew a company or I worked with a company that did these things. Like, they did it. They set these things up. Yeah, like, like, like you. Like you. Phil Collins could come to your kids bar mitzvah via hologram. Like, like, he could be there.

[Jordan Morris]

What kid wants Phil Collins?

[Adam Carolla]

What kid doesn't? Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

[Theresa Strasser]

Maybe, I don't know, a kid who.

[Adam Carolla]

Appreciates a groovy kind of love. They're like, I have kind of kid.

[Jordan Morris]

The kid's like, who do you want in your hologram, Little Joshy? I've got. I've got three iwalki Ke dollar I'm saying.

[Theresa Strasser]

Or you would be concerned about Green Day.

[Adam Carolla]

A teenage Jewish boy who's turning 41 would love Phil Collins.

[Allison Rosen]

A 13 year old with a receding hairline would love Phil Collins.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying. Okay, maybe that's A bad reference. But the point is this. They can beam somebody anywhere. They can reanimate. I mean, we're not far off of. There's no such thing as a celebrity dying anymore.

[Allison Rosen]

Or a family member.

[Adam Carolla]

Or a family member.

[Allison Rosen]

That's creepy. But, yeah, actually, I don't think if you lot. It sounds creepy because we don't. We're not emotionally invested in it. But I feel like if you lost someone and you were grieving them and you had a chance to feel like they were there again, you might take it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, be great. I get my mom and my dad sitting around the Thanksgiving.

[Allison Rosen]

They're still alive.

[Theresa Strasser]

Instead of. Instead of Romney the Republican, you would prefer the homie.

[Adam Carolla]

Mom, this is awesome, isn't it? How should I know? Oh, yeah. Oh, it's so great. You know what I mean? Mom, this is.

[Allison Rosen]

How would I know that?

[Adam Carolla]

This is beautiful. Oh, Mom, Dad. Man. I mean, this is. It's just wonderful having you here at the table with us. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's great.

[Jordan Morris]

When I was.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you kidding? I would dive on that plug so fast. Whoops.

[Jordan Morris]

Some Martinelli's spilled on your hologram box.

[Adam Carolla]

Shorted out, burst into flames.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe you could just shine a flashlight on it like at Haunted Mansion.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, no, I'm not. I'm not. You understand. I'm trying to fix it with this softball bat. I'm not. No, no.

[Jordan Morris]

I think this piss will fix it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Anyway, Phil Collins is going to be carving the turkey, everybody. So make room. Yeah.

[Giovanni]

If things take a turn for the worse for me, I don't want you to replace me. I want you to get a hologram. Hologram Mr. Matt Buttons.

[Adam Carolla]

I really mean it. Like, when it comes to doing, like, Vegas shows and stuff, people are selling the rights to and, you know, Michael Jackson and God knows who else. But whoever's around now, I mean, Justin Bieber, they'll have. If I mean Elvis, they have to take footage of him and re. Whatever. But Justin Bieber can get one of those unitards with the ping pong balls on it.

[Theresa Strasser]

They probably already have footage of.

[Adam Carolla]

Stand in front of a green screen and do his whole fucking act. And then his entire act can be put in a theater in Vegas and he does not need to be there.

[Jordan Morris]

Or I'm more. More practically. Maybe in the future, you know, the Seventh Veil or the Pussycat Room can. You know, Christina Hendricks is here tonight.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Hey, everybody. Well, we go from mad, but she didn't agree to actually come. Well, anyway, we all beat off their likeness can't we? And when I say likeness, I'm gonna upgrade it to a loveness Jade. Stage four. Stage four. Always a little pissed.

[Jordan Morris]

Van Wilder era. Tara Reid is here. That's right. She doesn't have all the weird plastic surgery. This is the super fuckable Tara Reid from Big Lebowski. You won't want to read. When she comes comes to the stage, you're gonna watch your boobs do stuff. I'm not as good at this.

[Allison Rosen]

Again.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's good.

[Theresa Strasser]

Clarinet. Read.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

Ready to play.

[Jordan Morris]

Sorry. You're a pro.

[Adam Carolla]

It never. Oh, I gotta pick up someone else. Hey, who's into. Oh, what was her name right there. Angel wings retire.

[Giovanni]

Tyra.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Tyra Banks. Not fatter, scarier, meaner. Tyra Banks. Oh, her. Before she retired. You know what? I've said too much. Let's bring that chocolate milk up on.

[Jordan Morris]

You're gonna put her in your spank, Banks.

[Adam Carolla]

Before she needed to wear Spanx. Quit your drop your linen, Jordan. Sorry. Where were we? Oh, not that Jordan. Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right. Jennifer Love Hewitt has revealed a secret trick.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry. Yeah. Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

A secret trick.

[Adam Carolla]

Family of five, Party of five. She ever love you and not weird dimpled ass on the beach ruined her honeymoon. Maybe I said too much. Family of five.

[Jordan Morris]

I'm ruining for you. I'm ruining for you.

[Adam Carolla]

This is legally but not fat. Yeah. Double D cup Jennifer. Can't hardly wait.

[Jordan Morris]

You gonna. Can't hardly wait to come in your pants.

[Adam Carolla]

Jennifer Love Honker. All right, where were we?

[Allison Rosen]

Jennifer Love Hewitt has revealed a secret trick she uses to attract men. It's vanilla extract. Giant boobs and also vanilla extract. She said I carry McCormick's Pure Vanilla in my purse. The baking kind. And dab it on my neck. Men are attracted to the scent.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they're not.

[Jordan Morris]

It's your giant boobs.

[Adam Carolla]

That's nothing.

[Jordan Morris]

That's nothing. Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's the whole thing. Be like, what happened? Well, this chick with a D cup who's super hot wanted to blow me, but she didn't smell enough like vanilla, so I sent her package.

[Jordan Morris]

You can remind me of a cake.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah. No, I feel like you see these things in celebrity magazines. Like.

[Allison Rosen]

No, this is from the New York Times.

[Jordan Morris]

Okay, well, things like this, like J. Lo's weight loss secrets. Her secret is being a millionaire who can hire personal trainers and get the most delicious, healthiest food. It's like, no fucking poor people magazine buyer.

[Adam Carolla]

J.

[Jordan Morris]

Lo's weight loss secret doesn't work for you.

[Theresa Strasser]

I don't know well, this is an affordable solution for women.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah, who can't? You can't be one of the world's.

[Theresa Strasser]

Most beautiful women if you can't afford fake tits. Or maybe you have to.

[Jordan Morris]

I choose to believe they're real. More fun for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Attracting men. Downside, being attacked by bees.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I would think it'd be kind of sticky and gross.

[Theresa Strasser]

Isn't this reverse gender discrimination? Anyway, that's like get back in the kitchen type of thing. I mean like I'm using kitchen crap.

[Jordan Morris]

Yeah, maybe it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe in a pinch she uses it to crank out a swastika on someone's walkway.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, you need a giant bottle though. Or a tiny swastika.

[Jordan Morris]

Sorry, guys.

[Allison Rosen]

Like it's the world's tiniest hate crime.

[Jordan Morris]

I'm a feminist. You know what? You know what smell I think is sexy? Equal pay for equal work. That's the only smell I like. Ladies cheer here.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Sip it, cunt. I am horrible at my job and no one gets up my butt a about it.

[Jordan Morris]

Good drop.

[Matt Zoller]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What do you guys get? $0.73 to our dollar?

[Allison Rosen]

Something like that. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I always say this horrible at my job. Are you guys pissed off about being paid less or being paid in change? Cuz that would piss me off.

[Allison Rosen]

The biggest change. So heavy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got dollars. You got. All you got is meter money. And like 73 cents would be a lot of people pennies and nickels in there.

[Jordan Morris]

I make 50,073 cents a year.

[Giovanni]

You should really insist on not being paid every day.

[Adam Carolla]

You should probably pay once a week and do the. Do the direct deposit thing if you're going to get paid.

[Jordan Morris]

Change. Lugging that dog.

[Allison Rosen]

I want. I have to count it.

[Adam Carolla]

Big sack change.

[Allison Rosen]

I discount at coin Star.

[Adam Carolla]

Who likes music?

[Allison Rosen]

Love it.

[Jordan Morris]

I sure do.

[Adam Carolla]

You guys play anything? You play any instruments?

[Jordan Morris]

Played a little violin as a kid. Little waltz. Vignette.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Theresa Strasser]

Clarinet.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to get started? You want to get started? They have started. I'm talking about musiciansfriend.com by the way. 50 bucks get you started on a guitar. I feel like that's a price where I could smash one on stage on almost nightly basis and get away with it. 50 bucks all the way up to 20 grand for the one of a kind stuff. Let's learn how to play the 50$1 and then we'll work our way up to the 20 grand. They got a special. And by the way, musicians friend.com has everything it's all, you know, if you have a high school band, they got the instruments for that. You don't want some other kids. Cooties, weird. You know, you're playing the flute. Some other kids, sure, yeah.

[Jordan Morris]

You're wearing the fucking 10 year old oboe.

[Theresa Strasser]

There you go, son. It's a nice used clarinet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right.

[Jordan Morris]

Sticker on it that says buy war.

[Theresa Strasser]

Bonds, smells like the previous owner.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. You can save 10% off of all the items as long as you spend over 149 bucks. 10% though, starts to add up on those instruments. Click the musician's friend banner on our site and use the code podcast. Use the code podcast, save yourself 10% or call 866-926-1929. The guys at the call center, by the way, musicians, not just the order takers. They know what they're doing because let's face it, we do have a few of out of work musicians out there. They're putting them to work, but they're putting their knowledge to work. They're gonna lay some knowledge on you. Best prices on everything in music, guaranteed. Musicians friend dot com. All right, what the hell else was I going to complain about before we left? Was there something I was missing? Did you guys get a man grate? Did you get a man grate? Oh, man. Pick up one of those man grates.

[Jordan Morris]

Oh, is this for your grill?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jordan Morris]

Matt, I heard you extolled bridges.

[Theresa Strasser]

I heard it. I don't. What is it go for?

[Adam Carolla]

Just go grab that. It's in the corner over there. It is 100% cast iron. 100. Bend at the knee, baby. Bend at the knee. Yeah, yeah. Bend at the knee. 100% cast iron. 100% made in America.

[Theresa Strasser]

My chair can no longer sustain my weight.

[Adam Carolla]

Steakhouse quality grill chilling. All right, Jordan and Matt, we should give you guys a plug. Jordan, Jesse. Go Jordan. That's your available on itunes. And you can go to Matt Zoller. Now wait a minute. I said it right the first time and then wrong.

[Theresa Strasser]

Matt Zoller.com is my site. Or just follow me on Twitter. Attzoller.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And Jordan Morris.

[Jordan Morris]

That's one the one.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Also Thrillist. Thrillist.com Adam, if you want to enter yourself in that prize to travel around the country and do all the super cool things, that is thrillist.com Adam. So until next time, this is Adam Crawford for Jordan Matt, Allison Rosen and Ball Bryan. Oh, and Teresa Strasser saying mahalo.

[Jordan Morris]

Kerma's pretty.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Giovanni]

That is the phrase quill of classics.

[Adam Carolla]

Make sure to tune in tomorrow for an all new installment for our Sunday episode. Until then, mullip and get it.

[Allison Rosen]

Sam.