The Best of Beat It Out with Adam Carolla and Jay Mohr

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show: “The Best of Beat It Out” with Adam Carolla & Jay Mohr

Episode Date: August 18, 2025
Episode Theme:
A raucous, rapid-fire “best of” episode featuring Adam Carolla and Jay Mohr riffing on their fan-favorite “Beat It Out” segment—a freewheeling, unscripted exchange of bits, banter, song parodies, pop-culture mockery, and candid observations on everything from animal behavior to gender identity, classic movies, and more. The episode is a showcase of irreverent wit, vivid improv, and the duo’s shared talent for deconstructing everyday absurdities.

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Main Segments & Key Topics

1. Animal Oddities & Beach Observations

[02:11–10:30]

• Dead Bees & Beach Hazards:
  Adam and Jay trade stories about declining bee populations and the oddity of finding dead bees on beaches, creating a running joke about Carolla’s girlfriend needing “beach shoes” to avoid bee corpses.

  • Jay: “You can’t even walk on the beach without stepping on dead bees.” [02:24]
  • Adam: “I don’t like that I’ve been stung by more dead bees than live bees.” [03:21]
    Jay jokes that he’d keep masturbating at the beach even after stepping on bees.

• Squirrel & Crow Conundrums:
  Discussion morphs into animal behavior: the mystery of never seeing squirrel poop, the ubiquity of squirrels, and the myth about crows being endangered.

  • “Maybe those are the squirrels that dive out in front of your car—they haven’t shit in four years and they just can’t take it anymore.” — Adam [07:02]
  • “Well, maybe there’s a secret place they shit. I think you caught them on the way to it.” — Jay [07:39]

• Other Animal Bits:
  Talks about “nuttier than squirrel shit” and how modern skunks and possums don’t run away from humans anymore.

  • “Animals just don’t care anymore… skunk’s like, all right, you go around.” — Jay [08:37]

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2. Rants on Fashion, Comfort & Declining Standards

[10:00–16:30]

• Crocs & Sketchers:
  Extended bits about Crocs’ ridiculous durability and the inertia of “sport mode,” lampooning people who refuse to fully put on shoes.

  • “The guy who invented Crocs was like, we need a shoe that can survive seven years in the Pacific and you’d still wear it to Whole Foods.” — Adam [10:18]
  • “Love the Crocs—the most retarded shoe wear ever, which I have many pair.” — Jay [10:05]

• Slacks & Tracksuits:
  Diatribe on the perils of elastic waists, suits vs. sweats, and how comfort clothing sabotages weight awareness.

  • “The sweatsuit never tells you you’re fat—it just keeps growing with you.” — Adam [12:24]
  • “Every Friday should be three-piece suit to work day. Pounds would melt off.” — Adam [15:10]
  • “That’s your pants’ way of going, ‘You getting fat, fag.’” — Jay [15:17]

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3. Gender, Titles, & Language in Modern Society

[19:20–25:41]

• Pronoun Announcements & Gender Fluidity:
  Jay laments Zoom meetings with “he/him” on nametags, while Adam recalls a time when terms like “cross-dresser,” “transvestite,” and “transsexual” offered clarity.

  • “We had titles so we could figure out where people are—why are we not allowed to ask?” — Adam [22:20]

• The Problem With Modern Labels:
  The comedians question why specifics about transition or identity are now “off limits.”

  • “I don’t want cock-and-balls guy going into the locker room.” — Adam [23:30]
  • “I need titles, people, I need titles!” — Adam [24:10]

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4. Life Hacks, Bumper Stickers, & Drunk Driving Stories

[26:39–28:24]

• Comic Drunk Driving “Tips”:
  Tips include a comic who puts a Domino’s sign on his car to avoid suspicion and another’s theory that driving a Volvo keeps you under the radar.

  • “He’d go out drinking and keep a Domino’s delivery thing on top of his car… You’re not getting pulled over with the Domino’s thing up.” — Adam [27:25]

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5. The Hoover Dam Bit: American Accomplishments & Modern Frustrations

[32:30–41:16]

• Building Marvels, Bill Burr Impression:
  Extended riff (with a Bill Burr impression/bit) about marveling at the Hoover Dam, infrastructure, and how modern bureaucracy would make such feats impossible today.
  • “The Hoover Dam took four years to build. Imagine how long it would take to build the Golden Gate Bridge in Gavin Newsom’s California—people would die of natural causes waiting to commit suicide.” — Adam [36:57]
  • Jay (as Burr): “Great. Just a big slab of cement. Like I give a shit.” [34:00]
  • “If you want to commit suicide but you die of natural causes waiting for the bridge…” — Adam [37:15]

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6. Adam vs. Lou Reed & Musical Criticisms

[47:16–52:14]

• Songs Adam Hates:
  Adam and Jay rant against Lou Reed’s critical darling status, describing him as a “talentless poser,” mocking critics’ devotion, and comparing him unfavorably to David Bowie.

  • “Lou Reed is a subpar musician, a poser, who possesses no discernible talent.” — Adam [48:40]
  • “He’s such a poser, he made people think he’s the anti-poser.” — Jay [50:55]
  • “Bring me a bad David Bowie song. Tough to do.” — Jay [51:02]

• Banter on Sinead O’Connor, The Cranberries:
  Briefly turn their aim to 90s Irish female singers’ “depressed” vibe.

  • “Go pound salt.” — Adam on The Cranberries [52:29]

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7. Song Parody: "One Night in Bangkok"

[53:01–54:48]

• Hilariously Improvised Rendition:
  Jay recites “One Night in Bangkok” in exaggerated style, the hosts mock-talk through the lyrics, riff on their (mis)understandings, and speculate about its hidden meanings.

  • “This is in the running for worst song of all time. Is he talking about chess? Is he talking about T-boys?” — Jay [54:38]

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8. The “Gay Bandana Shop” Bit & The Movie “Cruising”

[74:20–98:50]

• Long, Improvisational Movie Parody Segment:
  Adam and Jay go deep on the 1980 Al Pacino movie “Cruising,” using scene breakdowns to launch a major improvised bit as gay bar proprietors. They parody color-coded bandanas, niche gay terminology, and 80s cop movie clichés, blending movie trivia with sexual innuendo and cop banter.
  • Notable mock banter:
    • Jay (as Pacino): “You got three guys pissing on you, holding the phone—oh, no.” [80:50]
    • Adam (as shop owner): “The most popular color, the best color, is the one you like best.” [89:34]
    • Jay: “If I wear a baby blue bandana in my back left pocket, it doesn’t mean I’m a Crip?” [87:40]
    • Repeated use of the line “hips or lips? That’s cool.” [97:25]
    • Endless riffs on gay slang, bandanas, poppers, Benoit balls, and “official police business.”
    • “Have you ever had someone untie your balloon knot and give you a kiss right on your whale eye?” — Jay [98:30]

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9. Modern Childhood & The "Always Moving the Goalposts" Culture

[56:48–63:56]

• Childhood Diagnoses & Changing Norms:
  Adam frets about a “third of the class” now being “on the spectrum,” Jay wonders if it’s something in the food or a cultural change.

  • “It didn’t exist when we were kids.” — Jay [57:07]
  • “Stop feeding this to everybody. Stop pedaling it.” — Adam [57:06]

• Complaint About Progressivism:
  Adam posits that progressive/gender movements are less about rights, more about “agitation” and never-ending demands.

  • “What they want is to anger you. They want combat, they want division, and they want to be victimized.” — Adam [57:54]
  • “You pushed the left so far, you’ve converted me to the right.” — Jay [61:19]
  • “If you just do the math… you just keep moving the line to the left, then de facto you’re going to create more to the right because the line keeps going further…” — Adam [62:13]

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10. Miscellaneous Improv & Listener-Relatable Observations

[64:08–69:31]

• The Universal Agony of the Wrong Key Fitting in the Lock:
  Adam laments how all keys seem to fit but don’t turn, building a universal life metaphor.

  • “So much hope—like your kid’s got cancer and the surgeon goes, we found a new … Ah! It’s not gonna work on your boy.” — Adam [65:37]

• Jay’s Dream About Ralphie May:
  Jay shares a surreal dream featuring the late comic as a skinny pool guest.

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Notable Quotes & Standout Lines

• “Maybe those are the squirrels that dive out in front of your car—they haven’t shit in four years and they just can’t take it anymore.” — Adam [07:02]
• “The sweatsuit never tells you you’re fat—it just keeps growing with you.” — Adam [12:24]
• “Lou Reed is a subpar musician, a poser, who possesses no discernible talent.” — Adam [48:40]
• “He’s such a poser, he made people think he’s the anti-poser.” — Jay [50:55]
• “If I wear a baby blue bandana in my back left pocket, it doesn’t mean I’m a Crip?” — Jay [87:40]
• “So, how’s it going at the gay bar?” — Adam as the police captain [94:52]
• “You got three guys pissing on you, holding the phone—oh, no.” — Jay [80:50]
• “What they want is to anger you. They want combat, they want division, and they want to be victimized.” — Adam [57:54]
• “If you just keep moving the (cultural) line to the left, you create more to the right…” — Adam [62:13]
• “So much hope—like your kid’s got cancer and the surgeon goes, we found a new … Ah! It’s not gonna work on your boy.” — Adam [65:37]
• “Have you ever had someone untie your balloon knot and give you a kiss right on your whale eye?” — Jay [98:30]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [02:11] — Dead bees, animal behavior, and nature riffs
• [10:00] — Crocs, Sketchers, suits vs. sweatsuits, and bodily awareness
• [19:20] — Pronouns, changing gender labels, and longing for old-school specificity
• [26:39] — Drunk driving “hacks” and vehicle profiling
• [32:30] — Hoover Dam, Bill Burr impression, bureaucracy satire
• [47:16] — Adam’s Lou Reed rant and the curse of musical sacred cows
• [53:01] — “One Night in Bangkok” talk-singing and song roast
• [74:20] — “Cruising” parody, bandana color codes, gay bar improv
• [94:52] — Improvised police interrogation sketch, “official” gay slang, and poppers
• [64:08] — Wrong keys in locks and their existential cruelty
• [56:48] — Social change, spectrum diagnoses, culture war fatigue

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Episode Tone & Style

Loose, free-associative, and profanely playful. Adam and Jay lean hard on blue humor, social satire, and improv parody, often veering into the absurd but circling back to relatable cultural criticism. The “Beat It Out” format allows both to riff at length, playing characters, doing movie bits, and venting in-jokes for longtime listeners.

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Takeaway

This “Best of Beat It Out” episode distills the Adam Carolla Show’s signature blend of irreverent observational comedy, cultural grumbling, comedic improv, and rapid-fire punchlines. Even the show’s deeper social commentary is delivered with enough self-awareness and silliness to keep the tone buoyant and the jokes coming.

Listeners should come for the bits, but stay for the spontaneous, no-bull banter between two comics at the top of their improv game.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

So in this episode, it's the best of Beat it out, which is a podcast I do with the great Jay Moore. And if you want to hear more, you can go to substack.com AdamCarollsHow so enjoy Beat It Out. The good times keep getting gooder because Adam Carolla is coming to your town. August 29th in Provo, Utah at Drybar, Torrance, California. Sunday, August 31st, two shows at MA. Mom said yes. Yes. That's the name of the venue. Mom said yes. And September 6th in Charlotte, North Carolina. Two shows at the Comedy Zone coming up in September. El Paso, Albuquerque, Flagstaff, and more. Get your tickets for all these incredible [e-mail] five hour energy. You know what I love? Birthday cake. But you know what I don't love? A sugar crash. That's where five Hour Energy's new confetti craze comes in. Tastes just like a birthday cake. Vanilla, buttery, unapologetically extra. You want to unleash your inner party animal. This shot's packing the same caffeine punch as your fancy 12 ounce coffee, but zero sugar. Sugar, no crash. Big birthday energy in a tiny little bottle. Just toss it in your pocket, bring it to the party or wherever you go. Don't wait. Confetti craze is only around for a limited time. Five hour energy confetti craze flavor is available online. Head to FiveHouseEnergy.com or go to Amazon to order yours today. How do you take a joke from the page to the stage? Adam Carolla and Jay Moore. Beat it out. Have you ever seen a squirrel? No.

[Jay Moore]

I have noticed a lot less bird, but I haven't noticed more bug. I have noticed there's just a epidemic. There's just a genocide going on with bees. There's just dead bees everywhere.

[Adam Carolla]

Dead bees at the ocean, on the beach.

[Jay Moore]

Holy. You can't even walk on the beach without stepping on dead bees.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, my girlfriend had to get beach shoes. Yeah, because she stepped on one.

[Jay Moore]

And she's Iranian, so she's got that leathery skin anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, she loves it when I call her Leatherfoot. That's her favorite nickname. Oh, you know, in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, there's leather face, Leather foot. Well, you. My, my, my, pretty. I'm gonna w. Leatherfoot. Are you kidding, Sheep? First off, she acted like she got her foot caught in a chip. You know, wood chip. She was out for the weekend. That was it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I had to get the serum and the.

[Jay Moore]

I've stepped on bees. I didn't even stop masturbating at the beach.

[Adam Carolla]

Just keep going at the beach.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

Well, especially right by your house.

[Adam Carolla]

You're different.

[Jay Moore]

You with all that shit dripping off your face. That's fucking masturbation material. Adam. Carolla got a kind of bukhaki, all right?

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of dead bees. I don't like the fact that I have been stung by more dead bees than alive bees. I don't like that batting average. Like, I feel like you're dead. When is your wrath going to end? You know what I mean?

[Jay Moore]

You know, I got two dogs. I got the Pomeranian and I got the Maltese. The Pomeranian just. If. Just. They spray the lawn. Just her pads touching the grass. She gets swollen, her eyes close up. She's sensitive to everything. The Maltese. I've taken live bees out of her mustache. She's just. She's Teflon. Nothing matters.

[Adam Carolla]

I was trying to work this bit out about squirrel shitting. And I never really.

[Jay Moore]

Animal run, too.

[Adam Carolla]

But the weird thing is.

[Jay Moore]

Okay, never seen a baby squirrel.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a good point. Here's my point. You're right. Squirrels are ubiquitous. I see them all the time, all over the place. Every time I walk out of the shop, there's a couple of crazy squirrels. They're running up on top of the fence or hopping on the tree.

[Jay Moore]

Squirrels and crows everywhere you go.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, first off, why are crows an endangered species?

[Jay Moore]

No, they're not.

[Adam Carolla]

I swear to God. You're fucking. Somebody told me that once.

[Jay Moore]

No, who? Mike August?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Look it up. You can't kill a crow. You'll get arrested. But. Okay, here's my point. Here's my point. There are birds everywhere and then there's bird shit everywhere, right?

[Jay Moore]

The Hawaiian crow and the Mariana crow are indeed endangered, but they don't fucking exist anywhere. It's not.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right, so listen.

[Jay Moore]

You brought it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what I'm saying. Here's what.

[Jay Moore]

Crows.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what I'm saying.

[Jay Moore]

What are you saying?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I'm saying, first off, don't kill a crow. Because if you kill a crow, you're not gonna be able to make it to your car. I just think it's not in la.

[Jay Moore]

You won't. These fucking liptards. I think it's also bad mojo to crow.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I'm talking about other crows.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they fucking remember faces.

[Jay Moore]

It's a murder. Oh, that. By the way, that's what they always say. All these crows in my neighborhood, they. People Go. They give me the creeps. I go, these crows really give me the creeps. And they go. You know, they recognize human faces. I'm like, well, thanks for making it worse.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, they do. The guys who study crow chicks and have to get them out of the nest have to wear, like, a Richard Nixon mask.

[Jay Moore]

Like Point Break.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Point Break.

[Jay Moore]

Fuck you.

[Adam Carolla]

Because the crows recognize them and they can't walk out to their car.

[Jay Moore]

At the end of the day, I'm an FBI agent. Give me your baby crow. Remember when nocturnal animals were nocturnal?

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, hold on a second. Hold on. I love that. I've never seen a squirrel shit. I've seen millions of squirrels, and I've seen millions of birds, but I've seen. I've had cars covered. Bird shit. Fucking place in Malibu's got a big shiner on the fucking window because of bird shit. On. But here's my point. Where's all. And I've never stepped in squirrel shit. And I've never gotten into my car, parked under a thousand trees and got bird shit. I've never walked out, seen squirrel shit on the hood of my car. What is going on? And could it be, maybe, could it be?

[Jay Moore]

Could it be?

[Adam Carolla]

Could it be maybe, just maybe they never shit. And that's why when you're driving, you'll see squirrels, like, randomly just run. Like they're looking at you and they see you and you're coming down the street and you're looking at them, they're going, fuck it. I'm going under that tire. Like, maybe those are ones that never shit and just go, I'm taking my. I can't take it.

[Jay Moore]

I can't take it.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't take it anymore. Maybe those are the squirrels that dive out in front of your car.

[Jay Moore]

I've been alive four years. I haven't shit once. I'm gonna kill myself.

[Adam Carolla]

Here comes a guy in suv. I'm taking myself out. By the way, if you're a squirrel, you know you can't go to the Golden Gate Bridge or up to the top of the skyscraper or OD on Valium and booze or hang yourself but you have the fucking guy in the Denali. That's the easiest way to kill you, like, as a squirrel. That's your Golden Gate Bridge.

[Jay Moore]

It really is very easy to kill yourself if you're a squirrel.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but not. Not through traditional.

[Jay Moore]

No, they've adapted. I'm agreeing with you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. So that's a squirrel. That squirrel hasn't shit in four years. Sees the Denali coming down the street is timing it and just runs out.

[Jay Moore]

Well, maybe there's a secret place. They shit. And you caught them on their way to it. That's why they fucking always run the other direction.

[Adam Carolla]

Think I caught a mid. Secret.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah. I'm five feet from the secret squirrel. Yeah. And they go the other way. Like he can't. It's like the number one squirrel thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I don't think they have a secret place. I think they do either. I think they never. And they attempt to kill themselves eventually because of this.

[Jay Moore]

I love the expression, he's nuttier than squirrel.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, that's a good one. That's a good one.

[Jay Moore]

But nocturnal animals, when you were a kid, you'd see a possum at night. Now like I take the dogs out at nine in the morning. There's just a fucking possum waddling up the walk towards me. And remember when you saw a skunk back in the day or a raccoon, you saw it for a nanosecond before it dove back into the gutter, right? Right now you beep your horn at a skunk and the skunk's like, all right, all right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

You go around.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

Like they don't give a shit. Animals just don't care anymore. You like, get out of here. Squirrel. Squirrel goes, go fuck your mother.

[Adam Carolla]

I was trying to figure out a way. I was also trying to figure out a riff of like old timer seagulls. And they're watching the new seagulls. Like seagulls have been around for 5 million years, right?

[Jay Moore]

Even in the 40s when they smoked.

[Adam Carolla]

Luckies in the last part. Literally just. They've been around for 2 billion years and like 40 years ago, they just became mooches and bums, right? Hanging around the dumpster of life, eating french fries.

[Jay Moore]

Good luck at the beach.

[Adam Carolla]

They're no longer bird of prey. They now pray. You drop a McNugget and that's what they eat. And there have to be old time seagulls who sit around going, so fuck it. When I was their age, right, I'm saying we ate baby squirrels. It is. Seagulls had to hunt for fish. Their ancestors had to eat fish that they hunted. Now they all just fucking. It's by the way, it's my metaphor for the welfare system.

[Jay Moore]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Look no further than seagulls, everybody. When's the last time you saw seagull with a perch in its talons? They don't even have talons anymore. They don't need them.

[Jay Moore]

They're wearing Crocs.

[Adam Carolla]

They wear crocs and they hang out by the dumpster looking for the man to feed them for free.

[Jay Moore]

Before they go to the dumpster. They switch the crocs to sport mode. That's right, Sport. I love the Crocs. The most retarded shoe wear ever, which I have many pair.

[Adam Carolla]

You do.

[Jay Moore]

They just go, yeah, this is sport mode.

[Adam Carolla]

The croc invention to me is a weird one to me. The guy who invented Crocs was like, look, we need a shoe that if it fell off a container ship and spent seven years floating in the Pacific Ocean and then washed up on shore, somebody could rinse them off and wear them to the Whole Foods that day. That's what I'm looking for out of a shoe. And then I would go, I don't feel like you need that. That's too much. You know what I mean? I go, this is gonna work. I like the people who bedazzle their crocs with the buttons and stuff.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I like the guy who wears the Croc with the heel strap forward. Yeah, he's basically like, I picture not sport mode. No. That guy has so little energy to devote to putting shoes on. Like, I picture him getting up in the morning and two guys lowering him down into his Crocs.

[Jay Moore]

You know, that brings up the point where I see a lot of people when they put on their or tennis shoes, they just stand on the back heel of it. They treat it like a slipper. It makes me crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

The whole sketcher thing has got to be. This is the undoing. Can I tell you the undoing?

[Jay Moore]

I love, I love my sketchers.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, but here's.

[Jay Moore]

But I got up feet. You see my feet, right? Yeah, it's an abortion.

[Adam Carolla]

But they, they do this thing where it's like the commercial. It's like tired.

[Jay Moore]

You don't even have to bend down.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like, yeah, Howie Long's telling you, you don't have to bend down like, okay, here's my theory. You ready?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, hold on. Okay, now I'm ready.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, you ready? The sweatsuit. You ever see, like. All right, you ready? Here it is. Here it is. You're right. Every day. Every once. Okay, once, once a week. Okay, once a week.

[Jay Moore]

You want me to do some crowd work while you want me to do.

[Adam Carolla]

This once a week? You should have to dress in a suit. Yeah, a three piece suit. And come to work.

[Jay Moore]

I need the vest too, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you need the vest too. And I'll Tell you why.

[Jay Moore]

Why?

[Adam Carolla]

Because we start. I started studying, like, huge black bouncers. And they're always wearing the sweatsuit.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And the sweatsuit never tells you you're fat. The sweatsuit just keeps growing with you. It never pinches.

[Jay Moore]

That's what I wore when I was fat. Tracksuits.

[Adam Carolla]

Slacks. Slacks.

[Jay Moore]

Fucking maniac.

[Adam Carolla]

Slacks have three buttons.

[Jay Moore]

You are virtual.

[Adam Carolla]

Slacks have an inside button.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And how many times you put the fucking slacks on and you're doing this, the gut suck. You're going, fuck, I can't get this inside. Fuck. And then next thing, pop your head, shit, I gotta drop a couple. I gotta fucking kidn. I gotta get my shit together, man. I can't get this inner button. Then you hook. Yeah. Was there a big problem with guys wearing slacks getting raped, like, in the 50s? Because what.

[Jay Moore]

Huge epidemic.

[Adam Carolla]

What is this chastity box of, like, one outer one and then another flap that goes over the top. There's three.

[Jay Moore]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I have pants. You button them and then you leave the house. As everyone goes, oh, fuck. Bert, why is your pants around your ankle? No inner button. What? What's the inner one doing?

[Jay Moore]

I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, my point is, is every time there's a wedding and they always give.

[Jay Moore]

You two buttons in the pocket when you buy the suit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jay Moore]

In case your buttons are like.

[Adam Carolla]

Or sew it onto the sleeve or something. I don't.

[Jay Moore]

What. What do you think I'm doing in this suit? That I'm gonna pop buttons?

[Adam Carolla]

What is the.

[Jay Moore]

Joey, Chuck.

[Adam Carolla]

What is the batting average on any dude, you know, taking that extra button, putting it in the drawer in the kitchen where the batteries are, and then at some point, nine years later, going, lost a button. I'm covered.

[Jay Moore]

What is the 1% 001?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. No, I mean,.0.001. No one you've met has ever done that.

[Jay Moore]

Nobody. Okay, so I've actually done it.

[Adam Carolla]

You found the button.

[Jay Moore]

Well, I didn't lose the button. I just never took it out of the pocket.

[Adam Carolla]

But you used.

[Jay Moore]

You know what it is? It's when you buy vitamins, that thing that's silica and it goes. Don't eat this part.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jay Moore]

This is just to keep everything separated as we ship it from Turkey.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the buttons are that keep the.

[Jay Moore]

Humidity out and it all. Yeah, don't eat it.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Jay Moore]

Don't eat the buttons.

[Adam Carolla]

You've sewn the button back on, though.

[Jay Moore]

Look at me. I got a staff of people.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm a big Shot. You've had it sewn back on.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, so you.

[Jay Moore]

But I wear suits more often than the average guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. All right, now listen.

[Jay Moore]

In sexy time, when I make a love explosion on her stomach.

[Adam Carolla]

So listen, the sweatpants and the trunks and the casual elastic and the sketcher slip ons and stuff, that's why we're all morbidly obese. Yeah, it's too easy.

[Jay Moore]

Among other things.

[Adam Carolla]

Among other things. But we need to. The pinch of the slack. Yeah, you need to feel that.

[Jay Moore]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So you know, that was every Friday.

[Jay Moore]

Nature's bullying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, nature's bullying. Every Friday should be three piece suit to work day. You'd see the pounds would just melt off.

[Jay Moore]

That's your pants way of going. You getting fat fag, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. And the huge black bouncer, like the Suge Knight sweatpant, you know, sweat outfit, they just keep growing. And then at some point somebody went, let's make nice track outfits. Make them nice so they can wear them out to the state and they can eat. They can go out to eat and eat.

[Jay Moore]

Guys. Guys from South Boston want to spend some money, right? Let's get them to Nice or Lithuania.

[Adam Carolla]

It's basically a moo moo for bouncers. Yeah, it's like an outfit they can wear.

[Jay Moore]

I saw Ryan Garcia at a Lakers game and he was wearing a former champion of the world at some weight in boxing. And he was wearing such a nice tracksuit. I thought that's either a world champion boxer or a guy from Romania. That's how I had it in my head before I saw like his face.

[Adam Carolla]

It's funny because in the movie Windy City Heat that I made, Yurgi, the guy who played Yuri was Romanian and he wore a tracksuit in.

[Jay Moore]

What do you want to see me fat in a tracksuit?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Jay Moore]

All right, thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Adam Carolla]

No, this is just how I talk.

[Jay Moore]

And I really love my Bombas.

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[Adam Carolla]

A woman and they're you get that feeling that they're just kind of poking at you, you know, like they're like poking and then at some point they're talking about dishes or they're talking about going to their friend's wedding or they're talking about whatever, but you start to realize that they're just angling for a fight. Like they're just poking. You know what I mean?

[Jay Moore]

Like they didn't need I Don't know what?

[Adam Carolla]

You didn't need to come in here and tell me stuff. You know what I mean? Like. Well, like this a weird. Women do it all the time. And so what I'm reacting to is not the subject matter of the wedding or the dishes or whatever. I'm working off the vibe. Like, why did you come in here? Why you poking? You know what I mean? Like, what's motivated the poking. And the thing about the trans is, like, you want to dress up like a woman, I don't care. You want to be gay, I don't care. You want to do whatever you want, I don't care. But that's not what this feels like. It feels like you're poking. It feels like you're in here agitating for something.

[Jay Moore]

I'm on a Zoom meeting this morning and everybody's got he, him in their fucking boxes. You've completely over. You dragged the middle all.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we had this combo, right? Now we have to announce he and him. I don't have to announce that.

[Jay Moore]

Going back to that morning show, you're on with the transvestor. I don't know if tranny's rude to tell us.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so wait, let me ask you this. Sorry.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

We used to have titles, and the titles describe doctor. Yeah. Mr. Jew. We had those things. No, what I'm saying is I did Loveline. There was. There was crossdressers, right? There was transvestites. So cross dresser was like a married dude who just liked to go home and put his wife's dress on.

[Jay Moore]

God bless.

[Adam Carolla]

And like mince about in the bedroom.

[Jay Moore]

God bless her.

[Adam Carolla]

With the curtains closed, you know? And that's how he worked. Ed Wood, okay? Ed Wood, Crosser. J. Edgar Hoover. J. Edgar Hoover. Edward Jay Leno. Jay Leno. That's what they did. Okay.

[Jay Moore]

Jimmy Kimmel.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What Jay Leonard does, he goes home and he puts on a denim skirt with a denim blouse and he does a two step. Denim pumps and he.

[Jay Moore]

Two steps.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, here's the whole point. There were cross dressers, okay? Then there were like transvestites. Those were dudes who lived as women. Yeah. So they were out and about. World According to Garp. John Lithgow. Okay? Transvestites. So we had. We had cross dressers, we had transvestites. Then we had transsexuals, and we had pre op and post op. Transsexual was like a trans. It all moved and it was like the food pyramid of. Of bizarre sex. It was like at the bottom.

[Jay Moore]

Well, who says it's bizarre?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, you had. Okay, but listen, listen to the gradations here. You had cross dressers, okay? Guys who wore dresses at home. Then you had transsexual, sorry, transvestites. Those are guys who wore dresses outside. Then you had transsexuals. Those were guys who were becoming women or became women pre op and post op, right? So we had all these titles. And so if somebody said, now you just go, my son's trans. And you go, well, is he going to get an opera? Is he going to become. You can't ask that. And I go, well, is he going to become a woman? He's just living. No, he's still. No, he likes women. He still likes women. He still has sex with him or he's gay or he's whatever is. And I'm like, well, we have titles so we can figure out where people are and why are we not allowed to ask? Okay, this guy wants to go. This guy's a transsexual, okay? He wants to go use the locker room at your daughter's college. Is he pre op or post op? You're not allowed to ask that.

[Jay Moore]

Is he mid op?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want cock and balls guy going into the locker room. No, no. He's got a beard and he looks like Dan Haggerty. He just identifies as a woman. He wants to use the lockers next to your daughter in the shower stall.

[Jay Moore]

I'm like, who doesn't?

[Adam Carolla]

Who doesn't? But no. And so we have fucking titles. It's not. It's like. It's like when people say, I'd say the guy and love. And I go, are you, Are you blind? No, I'm seeing impaired. I go, is that blind? We don't say blind. We say seeing impaired. Seeing impaired. You could drive a car during the daytime. Yeah, blind, you can never drive. I need titles, people. I need titles. I know you don't like them. I know you want to clean everything.

[Jay Moore]

Up, but you don't like them because the reason you want a title is that you, you can properly identify the person to include them into your everyday life. You're actually doing when you go, well, is your son this or is your son that? And they go, you're not allowed to ask that. I'm asking so I don't misidentify and make your kid feel worse also. And so I can mock him.

[Adam Carolla]

We need to know whether this dude has physically become a woman. Because if they physically become a woman, then they may use the locker room in My world, this is. And everyone goes, you can't ask. Call her up.

[Jay Moore]

You could get her on here.

[Adam Carolla]

Him, he called. She. She called me chef and wanted to talk or whatever. And I said, why don't you come on the podcast? And she said, what's the pay? And I said, that's not how people just go on podcasts. And they go, well, but what's the pay? I go, no, no, everyone goes on podcasts. And you plug a book or special or something or whatever. Pink golf clubs for sale on the website Lady Teens. And Bruce just goes like, Caitlin's is like, I don't know what the pay is. And I'm like, all right, well, he's old, she's old. You know, in their world, you go, it's a personal appearance. You know what I mean?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like when, when people say to me, bud Light came calling.

[Jay Moore]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Bruce got nice, Caitlin got paid.

[Jay Moore]

It's so such a strange question that when people have said to me, you should go on this guy's podcast. He pays xxx. I don't want to go on that podcast because I don't know how to have that kind of a relationship.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they pay you?

[Jay Moore]

There are a couple.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Jay Moore]

But if they were like recovery podcasts. And I'm like, this is fucking total. We are self supporting to our own contributions. This is wacky.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, is that. Is that the. One of the traditions, does that say on the license plate frame?

[Jay Moore]

Well, not on the frame. It's on your. When you open. When you open your owner's manual, it's on the inside laminate.

[Adam Carolla]

Do they have friends of Bill anymore bumper stickers or whatever?

[Jay Moore]

There really just not a lot of bumper stickers around, but that is one.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that just a way not to get a dui?

[Jay Moore]

No, no, because if you're going to get it, you're going to get it. If I'm a cop, I'll give two dui.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you. I talked to a comic once. God, I'd love to give him credit because the camera's name. But I love a good life. Hack. Yeah, you know, like, like a stupid thing. Like, like if you don't, you don't want to get your house robbed. Don't do the thing. Don't put that sticker by the front door with the, you know, firemen. We have this many cats in the house. Like, you're gonna get your fucking house robbed. Put an NRA sticker there.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And don't get your house robbed. It's a little hack, you know? Easy. This guy, this comic, he'd go out drinking, you know, and on, like, weeknights, you know, and be, like, coming home from the bar, clearly drunk and having to drive home and used to keep a Domino's delivery thing to put on top of his car.

[Jay Moore]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Because if it's fucking Tuesday and it's 1:45 and you're just driving around, like, the neighborhood, you may be drunk driving, but if you got the fucking dominoes on there. And by the way, you can be looking for an address and shit, driving all shitty. You're not getting pulled over with the fucking Domino's thing up.

[Jay Moore]

That's good.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good. Right?

[Jay Moore]

When you.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a friend who did a lot of, you know, drunk driving. I don't mean. I don't mean, like drunk driving. I just mean, like, you know, 90s drunk driving. You have a fucking. Go to the fucking Christmas party. Go watch the Super Bowl. I gotta get home from the barbecue. Yeah, yeah. I had a few beers at the barbecue. He drove a Volvo station wagon. He just drove a new Vol. That's a car. He got. Fucking Volvo station wagon. And he circled the globe drunk in that Volvo station. Never got pulled over. And it's driving a fucking Corvette.

[Jay Moore]

I drove when I was at my highest. I had a Volvo.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. That's smart.

[Jay Moore]

A bobo.

[Adam Carolla]

A boba. A Boba or a Saav.

[Jay Moore]

No, a bobo.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy told me, I'm trading in my Bobo for a Saav. It's the greatest story ever.

[Jay Moore]

You were talking about the morning show that you had to do to promote your gig in Vegas. And you had to go on with these trans. I don't know what to call it.

[Adam Carolla]

I had to wait in the corral with them.

[Jay Moore]

Right. But you always have to follow something so antithical. Antithetical. Is that the word? No, it's the antithesis of comedy. To follow somebody making a antithetical. Antithetical. Making a crawdad omelette.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

And, like, coming up next.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's always, oh, it's.

[Jay Moore]

So my two great ones were when I was promoting Grand Rapids, Michigan. I was on the morning, like, good morning, Grand Rapids. And I had to go on after a blind girl made a free throw. Swear to go, I'm not making this up. So somebody stood under the basket, tapping it with a stick. So she's like a fucking bat. She nailed that shit. This little studio, like, there's only eight people in there. Like, oh, my. They're crying.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

And they're like, so what do you got. What? Are you at the Grand Rapids? Funny place tonight.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm like, yeah, it's always funny because the local. The local people, the anchors and stuff, like, they're good looking and, you know, they don't want to be in that market and, you know, they want to get in LA or New York, but they're not. You know what I mean?

[Jay Moore]

And the black anchors are ancient. It is the greatest use of hair and makeup department when you say you.

[Adam Carolla]

Can'T ask how old they are.

[Jay Moore]

You can't ask. Look, man, you cannot ask. Oh, I am. But when you sit across from, like, their version of Jim Hill. Mm. They've been there forever. And you get up close and you're.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, oh, my God. Well, because this woman is Skeletor. Black people. Jim Hill is 78 years old.

[Jay Moore]

He's the best.

[Adam Carolla]

You know I'm right. My friend, he. Black people. Black men can just paint their hair black. Well, they can just paint their mustache black and their hair black. And then they're black and you're really. It never ends. It never ends. We start looking like Frankie Valli at a certain point.

[Jay Moore]

My friend is drummer.

[Adam Carolla]

Who.

[Jay Moore]

My friend's is drummer.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, he just goes out lip syncs like a Muppet.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Jay Moore]

Every night. Don't go away.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm no good for you.

[Jay Moore]

I was gonna do Sherry, but sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Dawn. Sherry Banks.

[Jay Moore]

They have to remind him to hold the mic to his mouth because he holds it down by his belt buckle.

[Adam Carolla]

You sort of sit back and you realize everything's going to the fucking park and playing a pickup football game. If we had something on for Saturday. I was counting. Counting down to going to a park. You think your son or my son counts down the minutes that we get to fucking park with his jackoff buddies?

[Jay Moore]

My son counts down the portions.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. At hometown Golden Corral.

[Jay Moore]

I think I figured it out, Ace. If I could put a bow on this. There's the Dao of Pooh. You ever heard of that book? It's like a Buddhist Winnie the Pooh book.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I heard the Dao of. There's a movie called the Dao of.

[Jay Moore]

Ron Dao of Steve.

[Adam Carolla]

Steve. Sorry, go ahead.

[Jay Moore]

Donald Oak.

[Adam Carolla]

Donald. Donald Piglet.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah. Piglet asked, winnie the Pooh is eating honey your favorite time in the world? And Winnie the Pooh goes, no, there's a moment right before I eat the honey.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, yeah.

[Jay Moore]

So I think it's that.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like.

[Jay Moore]

It's like it's really the Buddhist in me that wants to to make appointment six.

[Adam Carolla]

I get it. But I'm just saying in general, everything is dulled and there are no more.

[Jay Moore]

Have sex with me, buddy.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm just saying there are no more peaks. There's no more. The bloom is sort of off the world Rose. Because everything is just like, eh. I mean, look, I just went to Vegas for three days. If you would have got hold of a young version of me going to Vegas. Going to Vegas, Vegas, Vegas. Like, that would have been me. Now it's like, I gotta go to Vegas.

[Jay Moore]

Then you hit needles and you're like, fucking, hey, why am I driving?

[Adam Carolla]

What are we doing?

[Jay Moore]

Why did you drive in offline?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, a, I needed a car when I was there a little bit.

[Jay Moore]

To go to Hoover Dam.

[Adam Carolla]

To go to Hoover Dam. Oh, my Hoover Dam joke. I wasn't even a Hoover Dam joke. But it's a tweet. I think maybe Andrew can find it. But it might be a joke. It got a good.

[Jay Moore]

Well, this is. Beat it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. I just took a picture. The Hoover Dam is breathtaking. When you go across the Hoover Dam, it's a modern marvel. You cannot believe how much, how many yards of concrete when the planning Is it really. Yeah, cement. Yeah. Bills, Spillways.

[Jay Moore]

Like I give a shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they got spillways.

[Jay Moore]

People fucking dead falling in the goddamn mixer.

[Adam Carolla]

They got spillways. Yeah, it's an amazing, breathtaking.

[Jay Moore]

Maybe your fucking lungs are shot, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's an amazing architectural feat.

[Jay Moore]

Architecture, really. Like I give a shit.

[Adam Carolla]

I love Bill Burr.

[Jay Moore]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Turning, landing on the moon and building the Hoover Dam, winning World War II.

[Jay Moore]

Really? And then sitting around singing Kumbaya. Hold that peace.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but Bill, it's an amazing structure.

[Jay Moore]

Amazing to who? Well, I mean, bunch of broad sitting around. Oh, we saw the Huber Dam.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. I mean, it was from 1931.

[Jay Moore]

It was a 30. Bunch of racists standing around dying of fucking cancer with no diagnosis, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, I'm saying they had to go there. I didn't have.

[Jay Moore]

They had to go where? They got beat by their husbands.

[Adam Carolla]

They didn't have technology.

[Jay Moore]

They didn't have mixed race couples, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, okay, Bill.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, I'm just like, I give a big slab of. Oh, look, we keep the water on this side. Like, who gives a. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to see the spillways. The spillways are like 70ft.

[Jay Moore]

What are you, five years old? Spillway.

[Adam Carolla]

I, Bill.

[Jay Moore]

Spillway at the fountain, drink at the bottom.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a marvel human. It shows the spirit of mankind.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah. A Bunch of Chinese slaves fucking falling into cement mixes and dying.

[Adam Carolla]

This is America really at her best. At her best?

[Jay Moore]

What? Slave labor. Really? Before the unions, guys working 42 days in a row with no naps. Like I give a shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Bill, I'm sorry. I know you like to undermine almost everything, but this is.

[Jay Moore]

Do I? Do I really?

[Adam Carolla]

I. Well, okay.

[Jay Moore]

Are you so great.

[Adam Carolla]

What? No, don't stop making about me on one side. No, if you go to one side, you're in Arizona. Yeah, okay. Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

It's called a fucking border, you fucking retarded supporter.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but it's still kind of amazing that you can walk across this man made. Damn.

[Jay Moore]

I walk across my house every day like I give a shit. A border, Big slab of cement.

[Adam Carolla]

It stands 1400ft in the air.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, so does Shaq. Who cares?

[Adam Carolla]

Okay? It's really amazing. You have to see it. All right? We agree and disagree.

[Jay Moore]

I hate when people say that, too.

[Adam Carolla]

You just have to see it.

[Jay Moore]

I have to.

[Adam Carolla]

Do I have to.

[Jay Moore]

Do I?

[Adam Carolla]

Do I? Well, it's metaphorically, but you have to.

[Jay Moore]

My elbow's up on the mic stand right now.

[Adam Carolla]

I love the board. You're bored. You're using a mic, Stan, because you're so bored. I know, I know.

[Jay Moore]

What's the joke in the tweet? I'm running out of Bill Burr hooked away like Twitter. So great. Bunch of people fucking duping jokes that nobody would laugh at the joke. Stupid ass.

[Adam Carolla]

The joke was from. Oh, God, Sunday night. Saturday, so far.

[Jay Moore]

So shit.

[Adam Carolla]

So, okay, so I took a picture of the big wall that said Hoover Dam, 1931-1935. That was the. That was the joke.

[Jay Moore]

Fucking marvel.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. And I said, all I wrote is.

[Jay Moore]

The Hoover Arizona Memorial on land.

[Adam Carolla]

It does. All I did is say the Hoover Dam took four years to build. Right?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then somebody tweeted me. Could you imagine?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, that was your whole fucking tweet.

[Adam Carolla]

I just.

[Jay Moore]

In regards. Yeah, there's a lot you're not tweeting. They're very crafty.

[Adam Carolla]

I just said it took four years.

[Jay Moore]

Just saying.

[Adam Carolla]

And then everyone. Everyone filled in the blanks. And then somebody wrote. And I think I liked it. Somewhere they go, how many years would it take? So, Andrew, I'll paraphrase after this. So. But you can find it. Cause I liked it. I think somebody wrote, can you imagine how long it would take to build the Golden Gate Bridge in Gavin Newsom's California?

[Jay Moore]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

And I said, people would die of natural causes waiting to commit suicide.

[Jay Moore]

They would die of boredom waiting around for permits.

[Adam Carolla]

Because they would jump off the bridge.

[Jay Moore]

Like I give a shit. Good riddance.

[Adam Carolla]

Bill. What I'm saying is it's the concept of you want to commit suicide but you die of natural causes.

[Jay Moore]

It'd be like watching paint. Fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

So I also started thinking Hoover Dam, four years, everybody, the railroad people would.

[Jay Moore]

Die of natural cause. This is. You are. This was impressive Twitterdom, my friend. I'm gonna give you the golf club.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. It says imagine. What's it say?

[Jay Moore]

Imagine attempting to build the Golden Gate Bridge in Newsom's California. And you wrote, you retweeted that and wrote folks would die of natural causes waiting to commit suicide. Side. Now it all piled in on me at once and it's brilliant.

[Adam Carolla]

It actually is true. It's like people who thought why are.

[Jay Moore]

They waiting in line?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying they need. You know why you're going to jump off the bridge to kill yourself. And It's. And it's 26 years behind schedule.

[Jay Moore]

Natural cause. Oh yeah. It's. So this is a like 15 layer cake joke.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Jay Moore]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Jay Moore]

I'm just now getting it. I'm fucking hard headed. The Bill Burr took me out of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Bill Burke corrupted you.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, this is great. I love the first response. Yeah. Imagine how much work you could get done if you don't mind 112 of your workers dying. I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

I just.

[Jay Moore]

I'm trying to energize water. You fucking lame O.

[Adam Carolla]

The water.

[Jay Moore]

I'm going to use water to fucking make lights come on and off.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing was built under time and under budget. But Bill. But what about the train from Barstow to Merced to France?

[Jay Moore]

Trail of Tears. Dead Chinaman.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not Chinaman, Bill.

[Jay Moore]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Who was was American. These are American workers that built Comanches. These are skilled, Lenny.

[Jay Moore]

Lenape Indians.

[Adam Carolla]

Why are you turning on this country so hard?

[Jay Moore]

I give a shit. This country's so great. No, I mean he's gotta have three colors on the fucking flag. Like we couldn't get one.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta. Well one. It's just a solid color. I mean, sure, okay. You gotta go to the Hoover Dam.

[Jay Moore]

Do I? Yeah, like I give a shit.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but you need fucking dam. You need to go to the.

[Jay Moore]

You gotta go to the ball pit of Chuck E. Cheese.

[Adam Carolla]

Well that's easy to build.

[Jay Moore]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

The transcontinental railroad took six years.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

We're still working on this high speed rail, Bill. From Merced to Fresno.

[Jay Moore]

You ever think maybe we don't need a railroad you ever think of that?

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't want one.

[Jay Moore]

We need to be able to hit your wife again. You ever could go back to the 50s?

[Adam Carolla]

My wife.

[Jay Moore]

Not anymore. Right, yeah, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

It's. It's. It is. Did you see what Elon Musk did, where he's so smart? Well, he had that.

[Jay Moore]

What does he ever done? Like I give a shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he. He was going to go to Mars. Leaning on the mic, he's going to go. I know you're bored, Bill. Elon Musk is. He's going to go to Mars. Going to land a man on Mars.

[Jay Moore]

Good. Good for him.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's smart, right?

[Jay Moore]

Is it?

[Adam Carolla]

I.

[Jay Moore]

It's smart. Sit around breathing red dust.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Jay Moore]

Write a letter home. Takes fucking two years to get.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. What about my kids?

[Jay Moore]

Already in college.

[Adam Carolla]

What about reusing the launcher? The rocket. Whereas the two big chopsticks come out and grab it out of midair?

[Jay Moore]

I do that every day. It's called a dishwasher, stupid.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a marvel. That's a marvel, though.

[Jay Moore]

Think about my vacuum cleaner. Like I give a shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, Bill, I just don't feel like you're fully appreciating the genius of Musk. The electric car.

[Jay Moore]

Looks like he got punched in the face. Looks like he got half down syndrome. Like I give a shit. What electric cars. Electricity runs on magic.

[Adam Carolla]

What about neuralink that they put.

[Jay Moore]

A plant is neuralink.

[Adam Carolla]

You put a chip in a man's hand, all sudden he's.

[Jay Moore]

Do you even hear what you're saying? Listen to you. You want to create for robots.

[Adam Carolla]

He can you reuse. He's reanimated. He was paralyzed. He couldn't use his right arm.

[Jay Moore]

Maybe he wasn't supposed to use his arm. All he did was jerk off. Like I give a.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, all right.

[Jay Moore]

I'm just repeating things. No, but it's something we can come back to.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it is. It's. It's. It's a perfect bit because you. All you need.

[Jay Moore]

There was a little chunk in there where I went. That's the impression. And then I lost it. I went, new York.

[Adam Carolla]

All you need to do in life is do the right tone. And then the right. Is it. And then you can. And also repeat in a sing songy fashion. Oh, I got a racket. I snatched it from the sky.

[Jay Moore]

Big.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa.

[Jay Moore]

We're having a baby. Good for you. Another mouth to feed.

[Adam Carolla]

I actually do agree with Bill on that one.

[Jay Moore]

Good for you. You and Bill Maher get together with no kids, fucking hold hands, jerk each other Off. Like I give a shit.

[Adam Carolla]

1200 Irish workers died building 1200 Central. Well, not one day building the Central Pacific Railroad alone. Not just how many Chinese men. How many Chinese men.

[Jay Moore]

Hold on, can you. When the railroad was built in the 1800s, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was like 1875.

[Jay Moore]

You're like a guy from Kansas and they come through and they're like, hey, you know, we're going to build the railroad. You want a job. You want good hard work? Because that farm farming kicking your ass. And you're like, absolutely. Then all of a sudden, you see a fucking like 50 Chinese guys in, like, their Chinese outfits. And they're like, ponytail bald, except for the pony. You seen the old photo?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I've seen the old photo.

[Jay Moore]

Like landing on the fucking moon.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't have to watch people in church. I watch an episode of Bonanza. You'll know what Chinese men look like back then. All right, that must have been like.

[Jay Moore]

Landing on the moon. Like, you just show up to work and there's like four, 14 Chinese guys standing there speaking. All you've seen is white people, dirty white people with long beards at church your whole life.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I've never seen a picture of.

[Jay Moore]

What they were calling a picture of anything.

[Adam Carolla]

No. Maybe David Carradine, but he's not really.

[Jay Moore]

He went out like a winner.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, my thought with him. Don't tell me he went out jacking off. Auto erotic asphyxiation.

[Jay Moore]

Right? Is that so crazy?

[Adam Carolla]

I said this finally. If the maid, whoever discovered him in that hotel room, if they had a shred of dignity, that would have put him in a red, white and blue gi, laid him on the bed and put the nunchucks across his chest and just went. That's how we found him.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Instead, pants around the fucking ankles.

[Jay Moore]

That's something I could get behind.

[Adam Carolla]

Simply safe. Well, let's prevent the crime before it happens. I mean, people go like, oh, I prevented this. Yeah, but you got your window busted and scared the crap out of everyone. I use Simplisafe because it actually stops crime before it starts. Imagine that. A little prevention. Everybody, their active guard, outdoor protection has these AI cameras and real people watching your place. That's right, real eyeballs. So if some creep is lurking around, the agents can talk to them, flip on the spotlight, even call the cops. Right then. Not after your stuff is gone. Before your stuff is gone. No contracts, no hidden fees. None of that nonsense. Over 4 million people trust Simplisafe. So it's not just me. I got plans that start at about a buck a day, you get 60 days to try it money back. If you don't love it, it's simply safe, right? Dawson? You can get 50% off your new SimpliSafe system with professional monitoring and your first month [e-mail] Adam just head to simplisafe.com Adam to claim your discount and make sure your home is safe this year. Keep your home, your family and your peace of mind protected with SimpliSafe. There's no safe like SimpliSafe. Hey, this is Adam Carolla from the Adam Carolla Show. Summer is here and Podcast one has a brand new sports podcast. It's the all new Pacman Jones show called Politely Raw. Now on Podcast one. Join former NFL star and Pro bowl cornerback Pac Man Jones as he brings you his unfiltered takes raw interviews and stories as only he can tell them. If you love sports, culture and controversy, you're going to love Politely Raw as nothing is off limits. This makes for an entertaining and compelling listen each and every time. The new Pac Man Jones show Politely Raw episodes drop weekly and are available wherever you find podcasts.

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[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. One night in Bangkok.

[Jay Moore]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Never heard that song.

[Jay Moore]

No. And I would hate it anyway because I hate songs. That's why I think Lou Reed's so overrated.

[Adam Carolla]

I hate Lou Reed so much.

[Jay Moore]

I just hate when people talk. Sing?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Jay Moore]

I don't even like David Johansson. Like we're supposed to act like he.

[Adam Carolla]

Was a singer, right?

[Jay Moore]

It's like, no, you weren't.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. New York Dolls and New York Dolls. I love Buster Poindexter.

[Jay Moore]

Hot, hot. Like, you know, the guy had that hit. But like David Johansson, like Scorsese directed him, doing his cabaret show and he's up there doing like torch. I gotta stop saying like he's up there doing torch songs.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Jay Moore]

On the street of Dreams.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. He has a. He has a funny song.

[Jay Moore]

He talks like this in real life, like a cartoon bad guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Didn't he die like six months ago?

[Jay Moore]

I killed him.

[Adam Carolla]

You killed him just because he talks things?

[Jay Moore]

Because he was stealing how I talk. When I was in the New York Dolls, we dressed in drag. We were ahead of the crowd. And nobody liked the Ramones of the Clash.

[Adam Carolla]

They liked the Dolls. All right, do we have.

[Jay Moore]

He should have went like this before he spoke. Da.

[Adam Carolla]

He.

[Jay Moore]

That's how you can tell a bad guy in an old movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Like a prime da. Alright, I got other stuff to talk about.

[Jay Moore]

Are you a Lou Reed fan?

[Adam Carolla]

I hate Lou Reed.

[Jay Moore]

Okay, good. That's why we'd be, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

No, well, let me explain my Lou Reed thing. There are people. Okay, okay. This is why I'm really angry about Lou Reed, okay? I'm not angry at Lou Reed. Lou Reed is a subpar musician, poser attitude guy who possesses no musical discernible talent. You just summed him up 100% poser. He's a talentless poser. Okay? He's a talentless poser. That doesn't bother me. Like, in life, the stuff that just doesn't really work. Like, you know, there's a lot of stuff in life where you go, little Miss Sunshine, the movie, and you go, eh, it's all right, I don't care. But it's that critics have to adore it, right? If you talk to anybody from Rolling Stone magazine, they love Lou Reed. Every music critic has to mention Lou Reed. If you ask them who your favorites are, it's Lou Reed, blah, blah, blah.

[Jay Moore]

Radio transformer, top 20.

[Adam Carolla]

And then when you say to them, first off, what they do with Lou Reed is the exact same thing they did with COVID They all came down in the exact same place. They all knew what ivermectin meant. They all knew what hydroxychloroquine did. They all. It's like, why do you guys all agree on this universally? If you walked in to Rolling Stone magazine's office and go, I don't really like Lou Reed, you'd be fired. You'd be fired. So really, they're coward pussies who are scared. There's two bands, Democrats. Yes. There's two bands that they cannot, Radiohead, say anything. Well, Radiohead, they cannot say anything bad about Lou Reed. They have to worship at the altar of Lou Reed and the Beastie Boys. And I'm like, they both suck. And they're like, what? What? All of them, universally. And I'm like, first off, you don't even like Lou Reed. And then I tell these people, bring in a good Lou Reed song, you.

[Jay Moore]

You bring in Walk in the Wild side.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Okay, that's one fucking song from 46 years ago. Like, give me his catalog. Tell me how good Lou Reed. Give me another good Lou Reed song. They never can do it. They can't do it. Because he sucks. Because he's talentless.

[Jay Moore]

He's a poser. I've never heard him described as a poser before.

[Adam Carolla]

He's a poser 100%.

[Jay Moore]

He's such a poser, he made people think he's the anti poser. And the opposite end of that is, I'd say, bring me a bad David Bowie song. It's tough to do.

[Adam Carolla]

David Bowie is 1 billion times better than Lou Reed.

[Jay Moore]

He's like, he doesn't put anything bad out. No, Even his worst shit, you're like, I kind of like it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the best thing you can be is interesting, I think, like as a comedian and as a musician or just like an artist. Like, if you listen to Hunky Dory and he's got horns, a guy playing the trumpet in the background and the piano and stuff. And he's lyrics are funny and quirky and it's like, oh, smart, interesting.

[Jay Moore]

Face to face with the man who sold the world.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's all going on. The whole point is, here's my point. If you walked into Rolling Stone magazine and you lined up every critic and you said, you have to pick one. You can't have both. Either Lou Reed was never born or David Bowie was never born. They'd go, ooh, that is vexing. It's like the one guy's a chain smoking poser. Drug addiction, fucking doofus. Who sucks. But you guys are all nerds and you want to suck his cock.

[Jay Moore]

I love you, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

Lou Reed is a zero. And the only thing that's worse than Lou Reed is all the assholes who have to pretend like he's a great artist because they're pussy.

[Jay Moore]

Sinead o'. Connor.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I mean, she could sing.

[Jay Moore]

Could she? No.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a B. She had a song called the Emperor's New Clothes, which was good. The B side, Cranberry was another one.

[Jay Moore]

Go fucking pound salt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. But that there was a 90s fucked up chick, kind of Irish depressed, whatever.

[Jay Moore]

That let it linger.

[Adam Carolla]

The lyrics, which I don't see. The lyrics are up there.

[Jay Moore]

They're up here.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they're up there. Sorry, sorry. I want to know. I had them up.

[Jay Moore]

I moved them off screen.

[Adam Carolla]

They're back. Ah. Okay.

[Jay Moore]

In the style of Murray. Is that his name? Murray Head. Is that the name of the.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

Wow. I don't know how he didn't hit.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, you want to try?

[Jay Moore]

Who am I doing it as you're doing it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Al.

[Jay Moore]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I don't know. What are we doing this. Andrew, for my next tune or can't tell.

[Jay Moore]

Sing along if you know it. It's one night in Bangkok. Sounds like the intro to the NBA Bangkok or oriental setting and the city don't know what the city's getting the creme de la creme or the chess world in a show with everything but.

[Adam Carolla]

Yul Brynner turn up a little.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, time flies. Doesn't seem a minute since the trolling spa had the chessboys in it all changed. Don't you know that when you play at this level there's no ordinary venue? It's Iceland or the Philippines or Hastings or. Or this place. One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster A little hotter the bars are temples but the pearls they ain't free Baby, yeah. You'll find a God in every golden cloister that means asshole and if you're lucky then gods are she but usually she got a cock and I can feel an angel sliding up into me One town's very like another when your head's down over your pieces brother it's a drag, it's a ball it's really such a pity to be looking at the board not looking at the city. What do you mean? You see one crowded, polluted, stinking town. T girls Warm and sweet Sweet Somerset up in the Somerset Margam Suite get tired you're talking to a Taurus whose Every move is among the purists. I need a break. I get my kicks above the wasteland Sunshine, Hoorah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's all I needed. I just needed that line.

[Jay Moore]

Holy. This song is. It gets. I'm amazed at how this gets worse as you go. Not much between despair and ecstasy. I'm Eddie. Let it play a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Jay Moore]

Let it play any better. Could probably make it work. Yeah. I want to thank Ernie Banks. One Night in Bangkok in the Tough Guys Tumble. Can't be too careful with your company. Bye. I can feel the devil walking. I can't do it. This is fucking horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a musical break.

[Jay Moore]

Sing along if you know it.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so this song was a big hit, but not in New Jersey. Well, I guess.

[Jay Moore]

I mean, what year this is? This is in the running for the worst song of all time. Is he talking about chess? Is he talking about T boys?

[Adam Carolla]

I think he's talking about gay love, but it's a chess metaphor. I would say One Night in Bangkok would be like 84.

[Jay Moore]

I was thinking 82.

[Adam Carolla]

82. What year is One Night in Bangkok?

[Jay Moore]

I get my kicks above the waist, sunshine. Does that mean he takes it in kicks?

[Adam Carolla]

He's a throat above the waistline, sunshine. I think he may be a gobbler.

[Jay Moore]

I asked Don Pardo, the announcer for Saturday Night Live, the old guy. Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Carolla. I go, who's your. Who's your guy? Who's your favorite musical guest of all time? He goes, are you kidding me, man? Bj. I go, billy Joel. He goes, bon Jovi. That motherfucker could sing.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Jay Moore]

He motherfucked me and got up and walked away. Oh, that motherfucker could sing.

[Adam Carolla]

Runaway February 84. Early 84.

[Jay Moore]

Come on, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Take that, Murray head.

[Jay Moore]

I'll never lie to you, Ace.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, but I.

[Jay Moore]

Unless it's a big long prank.

[Adam Carolla]

I said 84. I thought it was both. I thought it was right in there.

[Jay Moore]

February 84. And Murray heads. Fucking December. Give me a break.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or later. Yeah. All right. I got other stuff, too.

[Jay Moore]

If you were a furry, what animal would you be?

[Adam Carolla]

Honey badger.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, kids.

[Jay Moore]

I'd be a golden retriever.

[Adam Carolla]

So weird. I mean, I would talk to my son. He'd be like. I'd say about at least a third of his class had some sort of mental pre existing something spectrum on the. Whatever. I'm like, stop feeding this to everybody. Stop pedaling it.

[Jay Moore]

It didn't exist when we were kids.

[Adam Carolla]

I know.

[Jay Moore]

So either it's in the food we eat that makes kids half who gots or it's like, what the fuck is going on out there?

[Adam Carolla]

What's. Okay, here's what's going on. Okay? I wanna tell you, all right? I wanna tell you the gay. Okay, the gay movement. I gotta circle back, cuz you went right to Bon Jovi when I was launching my gay movement. Here's why you're confounded and you can never win. And no one can ever say anything. And no politician can say anything. And no speaker can ever say anything. But this is what we're dealing with. This is why you're dealing with this, and this is why you'll never win. These people, the movement people, they say, here's all we want. But that's not what they want. What they want is they want to anger you. And they want combat and they want division and they want to be victimized.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, am I making you uncomfortable?

[Adam Carolla]

Right, so here's what happened.

[Jay Moore]

Yes, you are wearing a dress.

[Adam Carolla]

Many were victimized, molested as a young person who wasn't right. And they constantly are acting out and they haven't dealt with that. And they've got their sexuality scrambled at a young age by being molested. So what they do then is they say, all we want is the same rights a heterosexual couple has, and they float things that sound normal, you know what I mean? You go, okay, gay couple, you know, why shouldn't they? One of them gets sick and the other one doesn't have power of attorney and he's in the hospital. Reasonable to me. Sounds reasonable. Let him get married and let him have the same. And that's where it always starts. And then the part where we get confused is Drag Queen story hour, where we go, I don't get it. I don't get it. Why they keep going, we want to have a fat drag queen read a children's book to five year olds. And then at some point we go, fuck this shit. And they go, oh, you're coming for us again. Back to the oppression, back to the molestation, back to the victimization. That's what they're acting out. They're constantly acting out. So they're here to agitate, not get their way. Nobody wants to fucking read a book to kids. If you said to me, would you like to volunteer at the library on a Saturday and read a children's book to five year olds? I'd go for fuck.

[Jay Moore]

No, I would.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd rather go to a Lou Reed concert than do that.

[Jay Moore]

I would like to.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, you would like to do that. No fucking single drag queen wants to fucking do that. They don't want to do it. Why are they doing it? Whose idea is it they're there to aggravate when they do the march and they dress in the way the one guy's got, the fucking guy with the gimp mask on. Okay, It's a gay parade. Fine. We want to celebrate gay pride. Good women to be recognized in our neighborhoods. Fine. Why is the guy wearing chaps and have nipple piercings with a chain on it? His boyfriend's pulling him by his nipples. What the fuck does that have to do with civic pride or being recognized? Right. You're trying to off regular people, but really, your beef is with your stepdad, who died many years ago, who molested you when you were young, and you've never resolved that. All you know is you're angry at the man. That's why the escalation. That's why there's never any closure. You're never done. We just keep moving along. We want the right to marry, Fine. You can get married. We want jobs and play women to be cops. We want to be in the army. Yeah. Okay. Here you go. Here you go. Here you go. Here you go. They're angry. That's what it is. It's the movement. It's the progressive movement, too. They're just angry at their dad. They just keep going. They never go, fine, we got what we want. Good. We're good now.

[Jay Moore]

I.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it's also a fucking business.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know me. I love my wife. Like, I'm ridiculously in love.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Jay Moore]

I've never thought to bring her to work and make you accept the fact that I'm with my wife.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Jay Moore]

She's not over there on the couch. I'm not like, well, where's the chair for Jeannie?

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Right.

[Jay Moore]

What the fuck are we talking about? They push so far to the left.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Jay Moore]

They make everybody right.

[Adam Carolla]

If you.

[Jay Moore]

If you keep going to the left, you've converted me to the right because you pushed the left so far over that me standing in the middle with a common sense. I look like I'm on the right.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if you just do the math of it. Let's just say you took a. I.

[Jay Moore]

Like when you got stuck in the loop. And there it goes, and there it goes, and there it goes, and there it goes, and there it goes. I could have had you do that for eight minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, let's just say you take. Let's just say you take a ruler it always happens. Let's just say take a ruler, put a ruler down in front of you, right? Okay. And you go. It's a 12 inch ruler. You go, the six is the middle, right?

[Jay Moore]

I love this.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, from the 6 to the 12, that's the right. And from the 6 to the 1, that's the left. And you go, anything to the right of the line that's in the middle is on the right. Anything to the left.

[Jay Moore]

Now, hold on, let's say five, five and a half and four and a half.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't get into it.

[Jay Moore]

Four and a half and seven and a half is a moderate on that side.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But for the sake of this discussion, I'm just gonna go, anything to the right of this line is right, and anything to the left of it is left. And then you go, fine, well, it's at a six, half and half. And now you move it over to the left. One more five. Okay, well, now there's seven to the right. And then you move it again and now there's eight to the right. And it's like, well, if you want to just take this line and just keep moving it to the left, then de facto you're going to create more to the right because the line keeps going further and further to the left. So, yes and no. The person that was right around the six is not traditionally to the right, but you moved it three spots over. Now you're on the three. And now the guy who's at the six is pretty far right according to you. But only because you fucking moved the line to the three.

[Jay Moore]

Brilliant. Brilliant analogy.

[Adam Carolla]

You like that?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, because I was.

[Adam Carolla]

I've done it that before.

[Jay Moore]

I was probably at like four. I was probably at five or four and a half. Four. Being in show business, it was kind of liberal.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Jeff Ross said you were at like eight and a half.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You never should have told me that story.

[Jay Moore]

Why not? Just keep it, keep it moving. So, yeah, so I was at like 4 on that scale. And now when they moved it to three, I just took a step backwards to seven. Like, I don't want to play anymore. Go fuck yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. That is a natural condition.

[Jay Moore]

And the proof is in all the elections. All right, let's go back to funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. All right, I got one. I got one. I got a concept, because that's why I got my phone in here. It was written down, a bunch of concepts. I don't know how to work this joke out. Hold on.

[Jay Moore]

Jeannie should be able to hear your concepts too. That's Fucked up. You don't let her hear it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, she can subscribe to Substack. Yeah, I think everyone has had their heart broken or at least vastly disappointed by this action. And I'd like to figure it out. Cuz I think this is a universal thing. I came here the other day, it was like the weekend. And I realized I can't remember the circumstances, but I did not have the keys to get into this building. Okay. And then I'd realized I had a kind of rogue keychain that was sitting in the console. My car had like seven weird keys on it because you can't throw away a key because it's like metallic. I just. I can't. And I always think I'm going to use it. It's something. I never marked them correctly. And so I come here and I'm like, I gotta get into this building. And I get my rogue keychain of unmarked keys and I come up to the front door and I go, let's try this one. And I slide it in. It just slides right on in. Just tumblers. Tap, tap, tap, stop, turn. No, no go. No go. It's not. Okay. It's the wrong key. It's the wrong key. But oh, so much promise, you know? And then I pull the next key off and it drops right in again like a. Like a toaster pastry. Just right in. Try to turn it. Nothing locked next to it. All of them slid in perfectly each time.

[Jay Moore]

You get that.

[Adam Carolla]

Hope so much. Yeah, so much hope. Like, it was just like. It was like, your kid's got cancer and the surgeon comes in and goes, we found a new. Ah. It's not gonna work on your boy. I was like, every time that key just dropped in like a. Like a hand into a tailored glove, I was like, oh. And then I'd start to turn it. It was like rock art. Nothing, Nothing. And it's like key. If the key doesn't work, it shouldn't just drop in flawlessly.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, that is true that. All the tumblers lined up.

[Adam Carolla]

I had like seven ropes.

[Jay Moore]

Your lock is like the O negative of.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they just. They all dropped in and then nothing. And it's happened to me. I realized throughout my life, like hundreds of times where I went like, ah, here we. I just think. I don't know where key technology's gone. I don't feel like it's moved an inch in a hundred years. Like, we went from the skeleton key to the modern key and then we just stopped the key. When you go get fobs yeah, we're at the fob. We're at the fob. But the metallic keys, all the same. And I just don't think they should all drop in because they offer momentary ecstasy meet with heart wrenching disappointment.

[Jay Moore]

It's kind of like a hockey game. If you listen to the crowd, if there's a shot on goal that misses like.

[Adam Carolla]

And in general, and may I.

[Jay Moore]

Add, cock in my ass. Oh, you're gonna have to finish up. The warden's coming.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's just have a few more gay. Let's have some gay slang key fobs.

[Jay Moore]

By the way, you said to. I got two points on this. Key fobs. People are like, oh, key fob, key fob. And I once lived in an apartment building where every door was a key fob. And all I could think was, well, if there's a fire, we all cook to death because the first thing that's gonna melt is this fucking key fob pan. Like, this is a. Key fobs are a horrible idea. Number two, you said you misplaced your keys. That's why. Cause you know, Jeannie and I share.

[Adam Carolla]

An apartment building in Bangkok.

[Jay Moore]

Yes, and Chester and Charlie Horse. That's why all my keys have our home address and I write Jeannie Bus's house. So if anybody finds that key, they'll bring it back to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Or they'll come in and rape Genie.

[Jay Moore]

I never thought of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. A happy note to go out on.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, no. I had Ralphie May in my dream last night.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know you had Ralphie May in your dream last night. And I randomly brought up Ralphie May.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah. I was head of the. I was in charge of the pool at some resort. But we were all there. Like you. We were all there. And Ralphie May was just like, hey, player. Just making it. I'm like, you can't swim there. You got to swim over there.

[Adam Carolla]

Cause he's too fat to go.

[Jay Moore]

No, I wasn't. He was actually kind of thin in the dream.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah. It was a good one.

[Adam Carolla]

So you had Ralphie May in your dream last night.

[Jay Moore]

You pulled it because you mentioned those Shriners kids. And they always have those two that are exceptional on camera. They look like 40 year old men.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

And they get those, like, weird, fake, sincere faces, and they're. And then they cut to the next kid. He's like Shanking Shriners.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

No wonder that kid has. Every commercial is four minutes long.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And it's a weird thing that I.

[Jay Moore]

Rebuilt my life thanks to the donations of people like you. Just ask Antoine. Thank you, Shriners.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's the one Shriner kid who looks like he works at a mill in the 40s.

[Jay Moore]

He looks like he's like.

[Adam Carolla]

He manages a paper mill.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, he's old timey.

[Adam Carolla]

He's old timey. And you're like, is that guy 6 or 60? 6.

[Jay Moore]

60. It's like almost progeria.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it? All right, I got a phone full of jokes. We got a little sidetrack. I'm coming.

[Jay Moore]

I got some shit for that ass. Next episode.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm gonna be in Salt Lake City at Wise Guys doing a couple shows on the 13th of June, and then the 14th of June, more Salt Lake, Vegas coming up at Kimmel's Club. You can go to AdamCroll.com for all the live shows. Anywhere anyone should go for you, Jay.

[Jay Moore]

More stories, podcast. Hit me up. But you gotta come on soon.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, I'd be real quick.

[Jay Moore]

Keith Stubbs, Wise Guys. Once, I wanted to perform there on Memorial Day, and I wanted $25,000. And he goes, it's Memorial Day. I can't. I can't go into pocket like that. And I said, keith, gimme a break. What? Every Mormon in Utah is gonna be down at the lake that day. Guess what he paid you? Every Mormon?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it was.

[Jay Moore]

I haven't been. This guy took a fucking bath. It was like 18 people every show. And I was like, oops.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, can I say this? You tell me. And it's not. I'm magnanimous and you're a bad person. But it may sound that way to the listeners. One time in one time only, in 15 years, at a club that was falling apart outside of Houston and a huge mall with the biggest bar in Texas next to it and a lot of schwartzes floating around the parking lot. This place was a Rainforest Cafe that they converted into whatever. And it was a total shitbox. And people just wouldn't come to that neighborhood anymore because of the biggest bar. Let me get my daiquiri right. I had a $20,000 guarantee. The club owner came back and he just went, I didn't make it. I didn't come close.

[Jay Moore]

Fuck you. Pay me.

[Adam Carolla]

And he just goes, I got 10 grand, I made 10 grand, and I owe you 20. And I just said, call it 15. I'll see you in the middle. And he said, fine, that's cool.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, I don't want the guy to be.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

But Keith really took a beating. I mean, he got fucking wet. And I haven't been back since I think. Do I owe him an amends?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll bring your name up and see.

[Jay Moore]

What Do I owe him an amends?

[Adam Carolla]

No, you're fine. You're fine. Shopify. Well, starting a new business, that can be very intimidating. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started. Get started with your own design studio. With hundreds of ready to use templates, Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store to match your brand style. Get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you. Easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling. And best yet, Shopify is your commerce expert with world class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond at Shopify. Right, Dawson, Turn your big business idea into Shopify on your side. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com corolla go to shopify.com shopify.com corolla.

[Jay Moore]

This.

[Adam Carolla]

Summer, Pluto TV is exploding with thousands of free movies. Summer of cinema is here. Feel the explosive action all summer long with movies like Gladiator, Mission Impossible, Beverly Hills Cop, Good Burger and Transformers. Dark of the Moon. Bring the action with you and stream for free from all your favorite devices. Pluto tv Stream now. Pay never. All right, I got another movie for you.

[Jay Moore]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I was going, are we done with midgets?

[Jay Moore]

More than, greater than, less than.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And you know, we can sprinkle it in if you got, if you got stuff. Now here's the rules though. Belts, you know, those are for kids. People say shoes, but you can get kids shoes. They can buy kids shoes.

[Jay Moore]

Caskets. Caskets is good unless they're buried in their.

[Adam Carolla]

But they do have a kids casket. I would bury them in the race car bed. All right, here's a movie.

[Jay Moore]

Do they have the same amount of pallbearers?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Jay Moore]

Because they weigh as much as you and me. They're fucking bottom heavy. Have you ever picked up a midget?

[Adam Carolla]

It ain't easy.

[Jay Moore]

No, it's all ass.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jay Moore]

It's fucking crazy. It's like throwing an anchor over the side of a boat.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They got a base on them. Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

I could do this thing all day, but yeah, go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. This is a movie that from 1980, I think 79 or 80 or whatever. These guys had never heard of it all. Blew their mind war Games Cruising with Al Pacino.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, yeah. I'm out here trying to get some cock now.

[Adam Carolla]

I knew you would know.

[Jay Moore]

I'm gonna give me what I need. Cause I'm a leather bitch.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me read just the description of the movie to everyone listening who has no idea what cruising is. Is that 79 or 80 somewhere in there? You can look it up. Anyway, a psychopath is scouring at New York City gay clubs and viciously slaying homosexuals. Detective Steve Burns, new name Cockburns Al Pacino, is ordered to don leather attire, hang at the city's S and M joints, and keep an eye out for the killer. But as Steve becomes immersed in club hopping, he begins to identify with the subculture more than he expected. I like that they added more than he expected.

[Jay Moore]

I never knew how much I loved a cock in my throat.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Well, it's more than you expected. Meanwhile, Steve behaves disdainly. Oh, distantly, I should say, around his girlfriend, Nancy, who played by Karen Allen, who you remember from Superman. That's right. And Animal House. The police force's homophobia becomes apparent in. And the killer remains at large.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, he's large, all right.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the weirdest pitch. It's a weird movie, right? Hey, Al. Yeah. Your character's a cop who kind of turns gay.

[Jay Moore]

Well, what did he do right before this? That usually is the tell with actors like, okay, I just played a very straight man. Now I'm gonna go in another direction. Put on some leather and get my leather stretched.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, it's not what, I don't know, 1980. But we have a couple clips for you, so I thought we could show you some clips.

[Jay Moore]

I want to see him live.

[Adam Carolla]

Big, buff black man and a jock strap.

[Jay Moore]

The hell was that?

[Adam Carolla]

Did he show you his knife?

[Jay Moore]

What are you hitting for? Who paid for the room?

[Adam Carolla]

What was that?

[Jay Moore]

Hold on. He's undercover? Yeah, he's undercover.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait, is that cop training there? Because there are other cops in the room.

[Jay Moore]

I just know I'm so hard right now.

[Adam Carolla]

See, I'll tell you, this movie. Here's the deal. Back in the day, you fell into one or two categories. Jackable or unjackable. You know what I mean? A movie like this could possibly be jackable, except for it's not. It was sort of like, remember Real Sex on hbo? And they'd go, today we. We go look at a German nudist colony. And you go, oh, is there something here? Is there something here? And then you saw it.

[Jay Moore]

It was like, you gotta Muscle through it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like double overtime. There should be a class action lawsuit.

[Jay Moore]

Double overtime. Jet.

[Adam Carolla]

Producers of Real Sex.

[Jay Moore]

I gotta get through this. That's when you gotta, like, pinch the bass and kind of squeeze your own balls together.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. We have another clip here. He's getting bandanas.

[Jay Moore]

Excuse me. Can I ask about these?

[Adam Carolla]

What about them?

[Jay Moore]

Stacy Keats, Treat Williams. Oh, Treat Williams.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Jay Moore]

Power spoon pocket means you want a blow job.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, rewind it. Hold on.

[Jay Moore]

Holy shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Powers booth. Hold on a second.

[Jay Moore]

Is explaining the color. It's like semi. For if I wear this color, I want a blowjob. If I wear this color, I want to put things in your butt. If I wear. So he's explaining the semi. Four Flags, which is the bandanas. The bandana shop, which happens to be right next to the gay club. Let me go do a little research, because I don't want to wear the wrong bandana and let everybody think I'm a top, because I'm not. I'm a bottom. And I will back that ass up.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, they had two things in the movies from, like, 1951.

[Jay Moore]

This is why you said you had something for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. From 1951 to 1992, they had jobs. Now, here's what I'm saying. Here's what I'm saying.

[Jay Moore]

Bandanas.

[Adam Carolla]

No. If a guy walked into a bar, the bartender was furiously wiping glasses. He had space work, busy work. The actor. So here's the thing. When you're making a movie, you can't just go, al Pacino walks into the bandana shop and Powers booth. You just stand there motionless, you know, behind the thing. No, they give them space work. If you were a bartender, you were wiping glasses. I've never seen a bartender do this. I've been to a lot of bartenders. I've never seen the wipe. But they just. They get busy work. Here's a rag. You be doing something. Don't just be standing there with your arms roll. You have to be doing something. And then the guy has to interrupt you. You know, excuse me, sir. And they go, what can I do you for? You know, you have to look up. But if you were. If you owned a store, you didn't have glasses to do, so you had to be reading, dusting. No. Well, if you're a woman, you could be dusting, of course. But if you're the guy behind the counter, you had to be reading and the guy'd have to interrupt you. And you have to be a little miffed that the guy was in there interrupting you.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, I'm in the middle of my review of Tony and Tina's wedding here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm reading the newspaper. By the way, it's your. Shouldn't you be delighted that a guy came in to make a purchase?

[Jay Moore]

Not this fag.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's see. Power spoof. Here we go. Oh, I want to say this, too. We'll play the scene, and then I'll tell you about the magic of Powers booth.

[Jay Moore]

Excuse me. Can I ask you about these?

[Adam Carolla]

What about them?

[Jay Moore]

What are they for? Well, light blue Hank in your left back pocket means you want a blowjob.

[Adam Carolla]

Right pocket means you give one.

[Jay Moore]

The green one, left side says you're a hustler.

[Adam Carolla]

Right side, you're a buyer.

[Jay Moore]

Yellow on the left side means you give golden shower.

[Adam Carolla]

Right side, you receive. Hold on. Red one, hold on. I'd hate to be a dyslexic homo in the 80s in New York. Wait a minute. One minute.

[Jay Moore]

Why am I coming?

[Adam Carolla]

You got three guys pissing on you, like, holding the phone. Oh, no.

[Jay Moore]

I do the colorblind disruption.

[Adam Carolla]

I get the blow job. I don't get.

[Jay Moore]

By the way, they made all of this up.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Jay Moore]

There's no way there was an actual color coordinated. Fuck.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I can't. I don't know if the movie.

[Jay Moore]

Byron, why do you know this?

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like I'm half gay.

[Jay Moore]

You're half gay.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel. Here's what I feel like anyway, gang. I feel like it's hard to tell with certain things. Like, did the movie start the thing or did the thing enter the movie? I think it was a thing.

[Jay Moore]

Ace, you're in show business.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's true.

[Jay Moore]

As am I. You're around a lot of gay guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep.

[Jay Moore]

And I'm gonna say. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say for shits and giggles in the day, you went to a gay bar with your friends or you went with a gay friend or gay person, you've been in a gay bar?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Jay Moore]

I've never seen a single fucking bandana in my entire life of trying to have gay sex.

[Adam Carolla]

This, this, this petered out, you know, by the. Probably the mid-80s. All right, let's keep it going. I, like, we're learning.

[Jay Moore]

Petered out side means you give gold in the shower. Right side, you receive the red one, please.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Jay Moore]

See anything you want?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna go home and think about it.

[Jay Moore]

Maybe blue back left. That's my earlier voice.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that. First off, how much Money. Could Powers Booth Shop be making like, I a bandana had me 89 cents in 1980.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And he's like, anything. Anything at all.

[Jay Moore]

Okay, this is amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

Powers Booth. You want to hear about range? Let's talk about range. Thespian range. All right.

[Jay Moore]

Deadwood.

[Adam Carolla]

Powers Booth played the proprietor in a gay bandana shack in Cruising. And he also played the downed pilot in Red Dawn.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He played an American hero. The toughest guy in the world. Like, he sat up there.

[Jay Moore]

That's what he was in Deadwood. He was like the pimp.

[Adam Carolla]

Sat there around the fire and he spit whiskey in a fire and fall flamed up like. You kids think you're tough cause you're living off of beans. Wolverine. I got shot down. He plays that. And that. That's range. I don't know how much more range an actor can have.

[Jay Moore]

I don't know. This next scene you're about to play, it's a bunch of leather gays. And they're playing pinball in the gay club. This movie really hit the mark. There's no way they had pinball.

[Adam Carolla]

It is the guy.

[Jay Moore]

They would play pinball, but it was a very different thing than this machine.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let's see the next scene. Let's see.

[Jay Moore]

Banging Off My Bumper. Don't tilt me.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, wait. Got a little computer glitch here. Yeah, yeah.

[Jay Moore]

I'm gonna lick your ass now. Oh, he's. Look at him. He's fucking gayed up.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, baby, what's happening? I'm with someone. Aren't we all? Wanna dance? Oh, God. What's the gayest movie of all time?

[Jay Moore]

Those mustaches. Oh, yeah. Just like some kind of vision.

[Adam Carolla]

He's huffing something.

[Jay Moore]

Puffers. Pacino dancing with the. Oh, look at this gimp.

[Adam Carolla]

They got the leather gimp. All right, pause it for a second, Neil. All right, here's my idea. You ready?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

This'll be awesome. When at the Oscars, when we give Al Pacino the Lifetime Achievement Award, we only select clips from Cruising. That's all. It's only Cruising clips. I look back, you know, Meryl Streep does that move. She goes, let's look at some of his work. And it's a montage of all cruising. It's 2 minutes and 21 seconds of just cruising clips. And then she turns back and says, the great Al Pacino. And he comes up to stay. Do you mind if I suck your cock? He sound like you're doing young Pacino now.

[Jay Moore]

Well, he's kind of. He's in between here, but really young. He sounds like Tyne Daly from Cagney and Lacey.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, because normally you do scent. You do scent of a woman.

[Jay Moore]

Well, scent of my ass and my ball bag across your nose, you fucking freak with your leather on. You think because you come in there with your pet gay that I'm not going to notice that you want my fucking body?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll play the guy. I'll play the guy. I'll play power Sputh. Okay, I'm the bandana proprietor.

[Jay Moore]

What are all these for? Explain this to me. What are these?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, white means you like bukkake. White in the right pocket means you receive bukkake. And then white in the left pocket means you're part of the bukkake party and or gathering.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, bukkake adjacent.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

Is there anything for fisting? Do you have a fisting bandana?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, we have a gray one with a fist stenciled on it.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It's kind of on the nose, but a lot of guys get pretty high from huffing our bandanas, so we have a fist bandana.

[Jay Moore]

Mm. Can I.

[Adam Carolla]

It's also a hell of a. Hell of a Sylvester Stallone movie. I don't know if you remember the movie Fist, but apropos of nothing, that was one of his better roles.

[Jay Moore]

I threw all the bandanas. Well, if I give you $20, here's what I'm thinking. I take all these bandanas, the whole tree of them.

[Adam Carolla]

You're talking about, like, a discount, A bulk discount.

[Jay Moore]

I don't need a discount. I'm an honest man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but I'm saying I'm a cop.

[Jay Moore]

That plays outside the rules.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's what we call, like, a baker's Doz, right?

[Jay Moore]

Sure. 13 or 14.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Every 12 bandanas you buy, I'll throw one in for free. But again, pick your color wisely.

[Jay Moore]

I want all the colors.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, green means you're green in the right pocket.

[Jay Moore]

You're not hearing me. I want all the bandanas, all the colors, and I'm gonna tie them together and pull them out of my ass like a magic trick.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're just gonna keep going?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay. Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

Or I could tie little knots and make my own Benoit balls and start my ass like a lawnmower.

[Adam Carolla]

We do have Benoit balls. They're in the. They're in the gift case, by the way, if you want to look at some of those. Well, what color they start out.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, I know what you're doing there. You're saying they're gonna be brown.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they're all brown. We have all different colors, but they all turn the same color.

[Jay Moore]

You know why? Cause around the corner, fudge is made.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. So you want some Benoit balls?

[Jay Moore]

Milk, milk, lemonade. Around the. So if I got this right, if I wear a baby blue bandana in my back left pocket, it doesn't mean I'm a crip.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Jay Moore]

It means I want to suck somebody's dick.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the blue. The.

[Jay Moore]

All the crips are coming out of the closet.

[Adam Carolla]

The white blue means what we. You're what we call Greco active. Okay. And I could. I'll tell you what, you seem new to the game.

[Jay Moore]

I'm very new. You know what? I was gonna come in here with a big front, but I can't front. You are a big balmy man.

[Adam Carolla]

You okay? You knew the game. I'll tell you what I got for you, Post.

[Jay Moore]

What is that?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I got.

[Jay Moore]

What is that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Tony and Tina's wedding. It's a review.

[Jay Moore]

I loved it. It was a romp.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. It's a lighthearted romp. Yeah. I'll tell you what I got. I got a laminate here you can keep in your wallet.

[Jay Moore]

A laminate?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know how some people use it for tipping?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah. I use it for my bat. I mean my.

[Adam Carolla]

This is for what bandana? To put in which pocket? Because I don't mind it. Variable.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

See what I'm saying?

[Jay Moore]

So I won't be caught short.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm saying you don't want to put the yellow bandana in the wrong pocket.

[Jay Moore]

You're going to get my own little playbook.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like the guys on the side. More like the quarterback wristband.

[Jay Moore]

That's what I'm thinking.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what you're thinking.

[Jay Moore]

In the future.

[Adam Carolla]

In the future?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It hasn't been invented yet.

[Jay Moore]

So if I'm not mistaken, the blue bandana, I put my back left pocket. That means I want to suck a cock.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Jay Moore]

If I put in my right pocket, I want you to suck my cock.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Not me, but yeah, I get what you're saying.

[Jay Moore]

Not you.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm saying one.

[Jay Moore]

Are you gay?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I just run a gay flag shop.

[Jay Moore]

And what about my parents had this.

[Adam Carolla]

Shop in the 40s. They left it to me.

[Jay Moore]

What about all these little poppers in the glass down here?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Emil poppers. You want to do one with me, by the way? Emil with an M. I'm tired of explaining it.

[Jay Moore]

Can I ask?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

What's the most popular Color bandana you see coming in here or walking by on the sidewalk on the way to the gay club?

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I get asked this question a lot.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, good.

[Adam Carolla]

And I give the same answer every time. The most popular color, the best color, is the one you like the best.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, my God, you could sell snow to a fucking Eskimo, couldn't you? You could sell cock to a game.

[Adam Carolla]

So I'll put you down for a 10 pack of amyl poppers.

[Jay Moore]

Benoit.

[Adam Carolla]

Balls.

[Jay Moore]

I want all of it.

[Adam Carolla]

All of the bandanas.

[Jay Moore]

I'll take all the amyl nitrates. I'll take all the bandanas. And I'll take your phone number, pal.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, remember, I'm not gay.

[Jay Moore]

My shirt started. Shit.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not a gay apparel shop in the 40s.

[Jay Moore]

I'm not gay either, man.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not?

[Jay Moore]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you, some kind of undercover cop or something?

[Jay Moore]

Hey, what the fuck, man?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Jay Moore]

Attica.

[Adam Carolla]

You look like that guy who was in Bobby Darefield.

[Jay Moore]

I was just gonna say you look like Bowers Booth. And you took the words right out of my mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you look like the guy who played the race car driver in the 70s movie.

[Jay Moore]

Bobby, I'd like you to take the cock right out of my mouth.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, speaking of cock, he looks like you could use a new cock ring.

[Jay Moore]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Jay Moore]

What is that? Is that a rooster? The crows.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, it's a cock ring. Or as Andre the Giant calls it, a ring.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Why?

[Jay Moore]

How do I use that?

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty funny for a guy. Works.

[Jay Moore]

No? You know, I think we're really hitting it off. You know, I got room for a roommate.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Jay Moore]

But I'm known to sleep on my stomach.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, not gay.

[Jay Moore]

Who's not gay?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you said you weren't gay.

[Jay Moore]

I'm not gay. Are you gay? You queer?

[Adam Carolla]

I told you, my parents started this. Gay.

[Jay Moore]

Just tell me what a copy is.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like a regular ring, but a little. It's somewhere between an engagement ring and a magician's ring.

[Jay Moore]

And where you put. You wear it on your. You wear it on your wedding finger. Let everybody know you're the cock of the walk.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's different. Well, you know the word toaster oven?

[Jay Moore]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

If someone said to me, what does a toaster oven do? I'd go, well, it's an oven that toasts.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Cot ring is basically the toaster oven of gay apparel. It is what it is, you know.

[Jay Moore]

That'S on the toaster oven at the club next door.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

You know why? Brown bandana Top brown only.

[Adam Carolla]

Top brown? Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

Top brown only.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, you know, we close at midnight.

[Jay Moore]

What time is it now?

[Adam Carolla]

It's 11:52.

[Jay Moore]

Oh. So I got eight minutes to figure out this purchase of do rags. Bandanas.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jay Moore]

How do you spell cock rings?

[Adam Carolla]

How do you spell dew?

[Jay Moore]

D, E, W. Okay. Like the morning grass. And what's coming out the tip of my cock right now staring at your. No fucking lips. You look like Andy Pettit, for crying out loud.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a great line where he says hips or lips in this movie. Do you have that? Do you find that line, Andrew? The hips or lips line?

[Jay Moore]

Are those your co workers?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, those hips or lips. Do you have that? Or maybe you should just say it Al. Let's see.

[Jay Moore]

Hips or lips, Your choice. Which way is it gonna go, pal? Top brown only.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, look, do we have any more clip, by the way? Are we?

[Jay Moore]

Once you go black, you pull out and put it on my back. So what was my outfit? Right now I'm wearing a denim denim jacket. This is what Jay Moore wears on stage. It's black T shirt, denim. So what's this say when I walk into the club? Proprietor man, what am I saying to the boys?

[Adam Carolla]

Hips or lips?

[Jay Moore]

Hips or lips? That's the denim look right there.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Do you think Pacino halfway into this movie went, what the am I doing?

[Jay Moore]

No, you got it all wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

I got it all wrong.

[Jay Moore]

Halfway into this movie, I started sucking.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you got K. Yeah, okay.

[Jay Moore]

I'm always about the work.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, let's see the next clip. See our last clip here.

[Jay Moore]

The movie I Started Sucking.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I mean, according to the byline, yes. I'm looking for Ted.

[Jay Moore]

Don't I live at the room next door?

[Adam Carolla]

You must be the famous John Forbes. Oh, what's that guy? Must be Greg. Looks as if I got back just in time. This guy from Warriors.

[Jay Moore]

Do you usually come barging in on Ted at dinnertime? Do you usually answer the door in your fucking underpants?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this guy's tidy. Why is he anyway? You struck out tonight?

[Jay Moore]

Ted isn't here.

[Adam Carolla]

Where is he? If you must know, he's out working.

[Jay Moore]

In IBM machines in a primo brokerage house. Pays well because normal folk don't like.

[Adam Carolla]

Working at night anyway. It's good for him because when he's.

[Jay Moore]

Out working, he's not out getting involved.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Oh, jealous? I don't know what you mean. Yeah, no, no.

[Jay Moore]

Well, Ted is too sensitive to have too many involvements. We found that out with the last piece of trash that moved in down the hall. I'd say it must be something about that one.

[Adam Carolla]

The people it attracts. Do you suppose that's James Remar from Warriors? Right.

[Jay Moore]

Y. And I'mma kick in your door. I am the poops. Can't give away my cover. I am the gay police.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I'm gonna play your commanding officer now.

[Jay Moore]

All right, all right, all right.

[Adam Carolla]

So, how's it going at the gay bar?

[Jay Moore]

Excuse me. Sorry if my burp smells like buttermilk and Clorox.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. Whoa.

[Jay Moore]

Do you smell pennies? Cause that's. I can't get the smell out of my beard and mustache hair. The smell of pennies.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember, you have a girlfriend, A dedicated girlfriend.

[Jay Moore]

Yeah, Karen Allen.

[Adam Carolla]

Karen Allen.

[Jay Moore]

Did you know undercover, there's guys out there doing things to each other you wouldn't fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't even want to think about it.

[Jay Moore]

Well, it's all in my report, Jack.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I don't want to. You know, I just want to bust a serial killer.

[Jay Moore]

Well, that's the problem. You start frisking them and they bust.

[Adam Carolla]

They bust a nut.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, they come all over the place. It looks like ABC foam out of a fucking fire extinguisher.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe we should just find some homeless homo and just put these charges on them.

[Jay Moore]

That's small potatoes. There are guys out there. These guys are international drug kingpins, and they just happen to like cock.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Jay Moore]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so you could. Yeah, you could catch a lot more than a serial killer.

[Jay Moore]

Oh, I can catch a serial killer.

[Adam Carolla]

I can.

[Jay Moore]

I can get your local ferry.

[Adam Carolla]

Ferry?

[Jay Moore]

I'll put him right on the Long island ferry.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, I see.

[Jay Moore]

And I'll catch him on the ferry. Yeah, but you don't understand. I gotta stay undercover a lot longer. You cannot pull me off of this case.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, but what's the thing with the light blue bandana you have hanging?

[Jay Moore]

Well, light blue bandana, I learned from my friend Powers Booth, means if you wear it in your back left pocket, it means you want to suck somebody's cock. If you wear it in your back right pocket, it means your cock sucked. If you wear a yellow bandana in your back left pocket, it means you like to give golden showers. If you wear the yellow bandana in your back right pocket, it means you like to get golden showers.

[Adam Carolla]

Get my pens out of your head.

[Jay Moore]

Do you have any idea what it's like to be in a blowbang?

[Adam Carolla]

A what?

[Jay Moore]

A blow Bang Daddy Powers Booth.

[Adam Carolla]

Sounds like a place you'd go to. To beat off watching gay porn. Doesn't it?

[Jay Moore]

Not right away it wasn't.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Jay Moore]

It wasn't that place right away. It became a place I went to beat off.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, I called you in my office just to talk about overtime. I don't know how we got in there.

[Jay Moore]

I know I put in for 1100 hours of overtime last week.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Jay Moore]

Well, I need more than that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, you can't. We can't have.

[Jay Moore]

I'm real close.

[Adam Carolla]

We can't have a cop getting paid more than the mayor.

[Jay Moore]

Well, I did all fairness. To quote Babe Ruth. I did a much better job than he did last year.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, we have the hips or lips. Oh, no video, just the audio. That's cool. Hips or lips?

[Jay Moore]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's see if you can. Let's see if you can replicate that. Let's see.

[Jay Moore]

Let's go. Hips or lips?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, wait, does he say cool? That's cool. Hips or lips?

[Jay Moore]

That's cool. Hips or lips?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm gonna close my eyes and see if I can tell which one.

[Jay Moore]

I don't get. Crickets. You gotta play crickets for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you do. When you do stand up, you ain't lying.

[Jay Moore]

Do not pull me off of this case, Hodge. I am so close to getting my silverback gorilla. Ooh.

[Adam Carolla]

Do we possess the tape that we've been playing?

[Jay Moore]

Something's wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, play the tape.

[Jay Moore]

Hold on. He's playing crickets for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's cool. Hips. O Lips. All right, let's do the crickets now. Yeah, hold on.

[Jay Moore]

That's cool. Hips or lips?

[Adam Carolla]

Can't tell. I closed my eyes. I have no idea.

[Jay Moore]

Have you ever had your leather stretched sog?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Jay Moore]

Have you ever had a man lick your rusty sheriff's badge?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, have you ever had a.

[Jay Moore]

Guy take your balloon net and untie it and kiss? Have you ever had somebody kiss you right on your whale eye?

[Adam Carolla]

Whale eye. Whale eye.

[Jay Moore]

That's what they call asshole out there. You cannot pull me off of this case.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm close. I was an instructor at the academy and I've never heard of anything you're talking about.

[Jay Moore]

There's a whole world out there you don't know about.

[Adam Carolla]

This is not.

[Jay Moore]

You don't know nothing. Cause you never been fucked in your ass.

[Adam Carolla]

This is not official police.

[Jay Moore]

Have you ever been fish hooked? Have you ever had a Dominican face hat or a three finger Mexican oil job? Cause I have. You will not pull me off of this case.

[Adam Carolla]

What was the Dominican face Yeah, you.

[Jay Moore]

Need a license to do that one. And they only sell them at the seaport.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. We're not gonna do any better than the great J. Moore fucking.

[Jay Moore]

Hey, that was great.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that was great. All right, beat it out. This summer, Pluto TV is exploding with thousands of of free movies. Summer of cinema is here Feel the explosive action all summer long with movies like Gladiator, Mission Impossible, Beverly Hills Cop, Good Burger and Transformers. Dark of the Moon. Bring the action with you and stream for free from all your favorite devices. Pluto TV stream now pay never this summer Pluto TV is exploding with thousands of free movies. Summer of cinema is here Feel the explosive action all summer long with movies like Gladiator, Mission Impossible, Beverly Hills Cop, Good Burger and transfer Transformers Dark of the Moon Bring the action with you and stream for free from all your favorite devices. Pluto TV stream now pay never.