Tom Rhodes + Artie Lange

Summary

Detailed Summary of "Tom Rhodes + Artie Lange" Episode (May 24, 2025) | The Adam Carolla Show

Episode Information:

• Title: Tom Rhodes + Artie Lange
• Release Date: May 24, 2025
• Host: Adam Carolla
• Guests: Tom Rhodes, Artie Lange

---

1. Introduction to the Episode

The episode kicks off with Artie Lange sharing an anecdote about a recent Mangria bottle signing event in Portland. The event was marred by logistical issues, leading to a significant number of fans waiting in line without receiving their signed bottles.

---

2. Mangria Signing Fiasco

Artie Lange ([02:03]) recounts the challenges faced during the Mangria signing in Portland:

• Photographer Mismanagement: Artie and his associate, Mike August, hired a photographer to document the event. However, the photographer focused excessively on capturing images within the store, neglecting the long queue of fans.

  "At some point, every single one of them is going to stand next to me. I'm going to put my arm around them, we're going to take a picture, and then they're going to move on." ([04:17])

• Missed Opportunities: Despite signing hundreds of bottles, the lack of a professional photographer resulted in no actual photos being available to share with the fans. This oversight led to disappointment among attendees who expected to receive their signed bottles.

  "We do not have any of those pictures." ([05:46])

• Logistical Hurdles: Navigating the large venue and managing the overflow of fans proved difficult, especially with a driver who seemed unprepared for the task.

  "We have no pictures if that's the case, then it'll turn up because it's on his person or in his clothes or something somewhere." ([18:58])

Outcome: The event concluded with Artie and Mike unable to provide the promised photos, leaving fans frustrated and questioning the execution of the signing event.

---

3. Policies and Adaptations at BevMo

Following the Portland event, Artie discusses the restrictions imposed by BevMo on signing bottles during subsequent events in Irvine. The corporate policy prohibits signing bottles to avoid potential legal issues.

• Creative Solutions: To comply with the new policies while still engaging with fans, Artie introduces the concept of printing signed labels separately and applying them to bottles post-event.

  "I will sign on the way to Irvine and then I will stick them on your bottle so you can have a signed bottle." ([22:06])

• Challenges: This workaround adds complexity to the signing process and may deter some fans due to the extra steps involved.

---

4. Personal Stories and Struggles

The conversation shifts to more personal topics, with Artie Lange and Allison Rosen sharing their experiences with addiction and personal setbacks.

Artie Lange ([16:37]) opens up about an incident involving a mysterious SIM card and misplaced photos, reflecting on the unpredictability of events and its impact on their professional commitments.

Allison Rosen delves into her battle with heroin addiction:

• Initial Use: Allison describes how she began using heroin as a coping mechanism, leading to severe addiction that affected her personal and professional life.

  "I became a heroin addict. It's not a complicated thing. When you do heroin, your life slowly goes away." ([52:00])

• Intervention and Recovery: Facing the brink of losing her life, Allison recounts her intervention by family and friends, leading to her eventual entry into rehabilitation.

  "They found... It's a very devastating thing that's ever happened." ([48:37])

• Impact on Career: Despite the struggles, Allison managed to regain her career momentum post-rehab, highlighting resilience and the challenges of overcoming addiction.

  "After I did that, the book, like, shot through the roof, and the royalties were like... I got out in three days." ([141:56])

---

5. Promotion of Tom Rhodes' Podcast

Throughout the episode, there are mentions and promotions of Tom Rhodes' endeavors:

• Live Shows: Tom Rhodes is gearing up for a live podcast show in Austin, featuring six handpicked comedians known for their unique and edgy humor.

  "Tom Rhodes Radio, by the way, available on iTunes. He's doing a live show." ([62:47])

• Podcast Content: The discussion touches upon the nature of Tom's podcast, emphasizing original comedy and the vibrant comedy scene in Austin.

  "They're doing something to rival the Montreal Comedy Festival, because that's the biggest festival in North America." ([63:17])

---

6. Discussion on Mental Health and Public Behavior

The hosts explore the challenges faced by stenographers and public figures in high-stress environments:

• Mental Strain on Stenographers: Artie Lange speaks about the psychological toll of stenography, especially in high-pressure settings like Congress and courtrooms.

  "I think stenographers have a lot built up in them... it's like, well, let's see how old this guy is and how he's dressed and what his posture is." ([76:37])

• Public Outbursts: They debate the appropriateness and triggers for public outbursts, referencing a recent incident where a stenographer had a meltdown after a government shutdown was temporarily resolved.

  "He started ranting. They had to pull her out..." ([73:39])

---

7. Reflections on Personal Relationships

Artie and Allison share insights into their personal lives and relationships:

• Artie Lange's Struggles: Artie candidly discusses his therapist's advice and his battles with maintaining personal stability amidst chaotic decision-making.

  "My therapist the other day when I was complaining... What do you do?" ([81:11])

• Allison Rosen's Relationships: Allison reflects on her past relationships, emphasizing the impact of personal choices on her emotional well-being.

  "He was working on a house... He fell 30ft on his head and became a quadriplegic." ([127:43])

---

8. Current Events and Social Commentary

The hosts touch upon contemporary issues, blending humor with social critique:

• Government Shutdown: Briefly addressing the end of a partial government shutdown, they discuss the implications and public reactions.

  "The partial government shutdown is over, at least temporarily. It prevents the country from defaulting." ([72:05])

• Addiction and Society: They critique societal attitudes towards addiction, questioning the stigmatization and the personal costs associated with it.

  "Fat fucks you up long into your adult life." ([75:35])

---

9. Promotions and Advertisements

Throughout the episode, there are intermittent promotions for various products and services, including Lumosity, Carbonite, DraftKings, and Enzyte. These segments are presented in a humorous and conversational manner, aligning with the show's tone.

---

10. Closing Remarks and Upcoming Events

The episode concludes with discussions about upcoming events, including a BevMo signing in Irvine, promotions for Allison's book "Crash and Burn," and a brief mention of Tom Rhodes' live show.

• "Crash and Burn" Book Promotion: Allison promotes her book, sharing snippets of her recovery journey and its positive reception.

  "The book, the way grandpa got AIDS, the book is called Crash and Burn and it chronicles the last four years." ([176:28])

• BevMo Signing Event: Plans for future signing events are outlined, emphasizing improved logistics to prevent past mishaps.

  "Bevmo tomorrow. Me and the Stone Pelican, Katie Lang. Our own Mike August." ([179:50])

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Artie Lange:

  • "Every single one of them is going to stand next to me. I'm going to put my arm around them, we're going to take a picture, and then they're going to move on." ([04:17])
  • "We do not have any of those pictures." ([05:46])
  • "Tell him he only shoots the kids that don't clean their rooms." ([165:00])

• Allison Rosen:

  • "I became a heroin addict. It's not a complicated thing. When you do heroin, your life slowly goes away." ([52:00])
  • "My book was chosen one of the top 10 travel stories 2011." ([64:53])
  • "The book is called Crash and Burn and it chronicles the last four years, which have been somewhat sketchy." ([140:36])

• Adam Carolla:

  • "But I don't think the FCC or anybody would do anything if you named your show Prank Puppets, but you've gone too far and you're now punishing yourself." ([21:16])
  • "You think if his father is not his real father, that's something he shouldn't find out?" ([46:20])

---

Conclusion

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show featuring Tom Rhodes and Artie Lange offers a blend of humorous anecdotes, personal struggles, and social commentary. The primary focus revolves around the Mangria signing mishap, providing listeners with an inside look into event management challenges. Additionally, the candid discussions on addiction and mental health add depth to the episode, while continual promotions maintain the show's dynamic pace. Overall, the episode delivers engaging content that balances humor with heartfelt conversations, making it a compelling listen for both regular fans and newcomers.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Craving your next action packed adventure, Audible delivers thrills of every kind on your command. Like Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir where a lone astronaut must save humanity from extinction. Narrated with stunning intensity by Ray Porter.

[Artie Lange]

From electrifying suspense and daring quests to.

[Adam Carolla]

Spine tingling horror and romance and far off realms, unleash your adventure aside with gripping titles that'll keep you guessing. Discover exclusive Audible originals, hotly anticipated new.

[Artie Lange]

Releases and must Listen bestsellers that hook.

[Adam Carolla]

You from the first minute. Because Audible knows there's no greater thrill than the one that speaks to you. Discover what lies beyond the edge of your seat. Start your free 30 day trial at.

[Artie Lange]

Audible.Com wonderyus that's audible.com wonderyus Shopify's point.

[Allison Rosen]

Of sale system helps you sell at.

[Adam Carolla]

Every stage of your business.

[Artie Lange]

Need a fast and secure way to take payments in person? We've got you covered.

[Allison Rosen]

How about card readers you can rely.

[Artie Lange]

On anywhere you sell? Thanks. Have a good one. Yep, that too. One place to manage all your online and in person sales. That's kind of our thing wherever you sell. Businesses that grow grow with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 a month trial at shopify.com listen shopify.com listen.

[Dawson]

Welcome to Coral Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni.

[Artie Lange]

This is the podcast we play the.

[Dawson]

Best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla Show.

[Artie Lange]

We have a separate podcast feed titled.

[Dawson]

Corolla Classics with ad free archives exclusively available through Podcast One Premium. You can also find ad free archives for the Adam Carolla show, The Adam.

[Artie Lange]

And Dr. Drew show, as well as.

[Dawson]

Exclusive access to the brand new show Beat it out through Adam Corolla's substack adamcorl.substack.com make sure to check it out and subscribe.

[Artie Lange]

And if you'd like to request a.

[Dawson]

Clip, please email us classicsamcorla.com let's get.

[Artie Lange]

To the clips coming up.

[Dawson]

First we have Adam Carollo Show 1188 featuring Tom Rose, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop from 2013.

[Artie Lange]

Allison Rosen, good to see you. Hello Adam Carolla oh man, I got stories to tell people. Couple things. First, a little clarification and some disappointing news and some stuff that but unfortunately maybe Gary Haftart can shine a little light on this. But we in the name of expediency got a photographer for taking the pictures over at the first Mangria signing I did in Portland. Mainbrew God love you Portland. We can show you the video. It's up. I think you can go to the Mangria Facebook page and take a look at this. But Mike August started with me. You can go ahead and play it. And then he just walked through the liquor store, which is a large, it's a big barn style liquor store. Happy to say the corner store has been replaced by the booze blimp hanger. There's now just math. So Mike took his camera and he just sort of held it over his head and he just went walking up and down the aisle. And just to give you an idea and it's also will help pay off the story, so he walked up and down the aisle, then he walked out the front door and then he hung a left and he kept going. Now keep in mind we landed about 5:30 or 6 or 5:30 or so. The show was at 8. We were a good 35, 40 minutes out of town. We weren't near the theater in Portland. We were out of Portland. And he's walking down the sidewalk, he's.

[Dawson]

Well almost at the end of the block at this point.

[Artie Lange]

And we're talking hundreds and hundreds of people showed up. So what Mike and I figured out is to get through a line that is this massive. The only way to do it is for a photographer, hopefully a professional photographer to stand there. Click, click next. Click, click next. I was signing bottles, but we or.

[Adam Carolla]

Mike walking by with his phone.

[Artie Lange]

Yes. Well now we're in there and I'm signing with the photographer. So Mike doesn't need to be in there. And Mike is still walking this line. Now you should also know that not only is the line that long, which is 500 people long, it just started. People keep adding on as they go. So if you start at 6, there's gonna be a lot of people just walk up at 6:45 because they know you're still gonna be there. As a matter of fact, I don't want to give you guys tips, but that's what I would do.

[Dawson]

Give us tips.

[Artie Lange]

No, because I want everyone to show up early at BevMo in. Where the hell is we going to be in BevMo? Oh yeah, that's Irvine. This Saturday anyway, tomorrow. But the line is massive. And the only way we're going to get through this line in 90 minutes, which is all we have before we get to the show is if we have a professional photographer. So all the people you see in this massive line, about 500 people long, all, all of those people, at some point, every single one of them is going to stand next to me. I'm going to put my arm around Them we're going to take a picture, and then they're going to move on. Well, that's what we did.

[Adam Carolla]

And then they're going to be told that they can go to a website.

[Artie Lange]

The web page, Facebook, whatever. Go find it there. Now, keep in mind, it was that many people, plus however many other people showed up in the 90 minutes, which could have been easily another 50 or 100 people, I took a picture with every single one of those human beings. We do not have any of those pictures.

[Dawson]

Who does?

[Artie Lange]

God, perhaps the devil, perhaps Satan, perhaps. It was told. We, at a certain point, Mike and I, when we got through that line, were in just a crazy mad rush, and we were driving with a driver who was not only challenge from a language standpoint, but an intellectual standpoint. He clearly had no idea how to operate a motor vehicle or which direction Portland was, or just one of these guys, one could argue. And I know we just sort of. We're used to it. This guy was, I don't know, Ukrainian guy or something. I don't know where this guy was from. But it's one of these things where you do sort of need to communicate with the guy who's piloting the vehicle you're in. Because you say stuff like, drive past the theater, turn into the first alley, and drop us off behind the theater. It's okay. It's okay. It's good. And then you park in front of the theater. And then you go, no, go to the alley, turn right and go behind the theater. Yes. Whiz it is. And you're like, okay. He doesn't. He can't communicate with us, which is one of those things that you. You sort of kind of need.

[Adam Carolla]

It's funny how much we just take for granted that if they get you in the general vicinity, that's just gonna.

[Artie Lange]

Have to be good enough. I would. Of all. It's called Cut, Cut, Bait and Run, where all the montages of me with the town car guys and the cab guys going, now just stop. Good. Just let me out. No, just let me out on the freeway. I can see the hotel sign from here. I'll jump the guard railing, I'll do a shoulder roll down the embankment, and I'll end up. It'll be like one of those Mayhem commercials. But I'll end up like, no, you just. Okay, let us move out here. We can run across the street. Like a lot of. Like, we're getting further, and I'm scared. We're never coming back. Yeah. So there's a lot of that this guy was great because he was completely, it was like Latke was Latka. Meets my cousin Balki.

[Dawson]

Nice.

[Artie Lange]

Meets a crazed 56 year old man from some something stand or some Ukrainian something. Yeah. And he's driving the thing and there's this great moment. The guys over at Main Brew are on top of their game. Like we get off the freeway, there's a sign that says Mangria signing this way, which like you only see in productions, you know, Punky Brewster over here. I mean sometimes they don't take them down.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to go find that sign.

[Artie Lange]

So they do the, you know, over this way, over that way. And when we pulled up the driveway, it's like a long driveway in an industrial park. And there's just this fresh faced 19 year old kid who's standing out there and he's got little hand maps and he's handing them out because you have to drive around two big industrial buildings, go through, you know, through the courtyard around the back and then the whole thing's in the back of the whole facility.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like finding a rave in 902.

[Artie Lange]

One hour, right? That's what it is. Exactly what it is. So he says it was this great moment where the guy pulls up and the fresh faced kid hands him the flyer with the arrow going through the buildings of the industrial park. And like you're here and the red arrow and stuff. And he goes, okay, go through, make a right, go up through these two buildings, Warehouse 1 and Warehouse 7. You go right through the middle of them, then you make a left, you go all the way along the back, keep going past there's a shooting range past that. There'll be two stanchions and a rope waiting out there, that'll be the parking lot. And I'm thinking to myself, first of all, I'm sitting in the back just laughing. I'm thinking he doesn't know what a stanchion is and he has no idea what this guy's saying. And, and the guy's going, so go up and go around and go. And he goes, the guy goes, okay, I got you. And he just takes off the other way down the driveway. So we start going left and just down the road. And I'm just sitting in the back of the car with Mike going, we're just heading the other direction. We have no idea. Now I'm looking in the rear view and I'm seeing the line of other cars that are going to the vent, all turning right and going up the driveway. And he's just turning left and we're just wandering through. Basically just going down the, you know, like an industrial park. After everything is closed, we're just driving down the main highway through one. And I'm like saying. And then he does a move where he hands us the map. Like, what is. And it's like, how much of this map, it's not written in longhand in a foreign language. It's a drawing. There's an arrow. There's like a. You're here.

[Adam Carolla]

Need to know the language to read it.

[Artie Lange]

Right and left is not really something. It's like, you know, IKEA instructions. They show the two pieces go together. And then you got an island ranch. You're halfway right, you're there, like, no. So I'm not real confident we're gonna get to the theater in any real meaningful time. I know we're good 40 minutes off. So we're clicking away, clicking away, clicking away. And we're moving and now we're making proclamations. He'll sign only one bottle. He can't sign two bottles. We're going. We're too far away because we really want to get through every person in the line. But it's like now it's like, hey, we got 20 minutes. You know, we got a hard out at 7:30, and that's cutting it close. The show starts at 8. The show sold out. There's a late show, blah, blah, blah. And we're going to go as fast as we can. Well, at a certain point we get through the line and now the staff, everyone who works there needs to get the picture. They get the cell phones out and everything. We turn around, we can't find the photographer. We don't know where the guy went. We get to the theater, Gary says, mike, give me the chip, give me the key card. Give me whatever. All the pictures are on.

[Dawson]

SIM card.

[Artie Lange]

SIM card. Give me the SIM card.

[Adam Carolla]

Memory card.

[Artie Lange]

Mike says, USB drive. Iron Mike says, I don't know that car. What do you. I don't have it. And Gary says, the guy said, yeah, I ran into the guy at the theater and he said, hey, all the pictures from, from Main Brew are on.

[Dawson]

The memory card that I handed to.

[Artie Lange]

Mike right as he was getting into the, into the town car. I saw him put it in his pocket. All right, now let's, let's backtrack here because Mike's version of this is the guy text did you and told you he put it in Mike's backpack? No, Mike's misremembering what the Guy said to me was, I saw him in the middle of the first show. And I introduced myself because I wasn't at Main Brew and said, I will email you all the pictures that I'm taking right now for expediency.

[Dawson]

I took the memory card out of my camera after we were done, and.

[Artie Lange]

As Mike and Adam were getting into the car, I handed it to Mike in a plastic case, and I saw him put it into his pocket. Mike swears he has nothing. Have we checked his pockets? He never. Well, I'm not gonna reach into the man's pockets. I will hold him upside down and shake him violently like they used to do in old movies.

[Adam Carolla]

All the free hotel stuff is gonna come falling out when you shake him upside down like that.

[Artie Lange]

Oh. Gallons of shampoo and conditioner, sewing kits, pens, hoppers of toilet paper. That'll be awesome. Yeah. You know, it's no fun turning anyone upside down and shaking them anymore, because no one really has change and. Or a bunch of keys. The two best things to shake somebody for.

[Adam Carolla]

People don't jingle anymore.

[Artie Lange]

People have cut way back on their keys. Key rings used to. I will bet you in 1971, the average key ring had 6.2 keys on it. Now it's pretty much clicker for the car and the front door. I don't know what happened. Were there storage lockers? I don't know what's going on.

[Adam Carolla]

We used to have so many keys that you had to do things to differentiate your keys, like put little holsters on the keys or put nail polish on them.

[Artie Lange]

How about just the guys that just had that. Just had the retractable zip thing that they'd wear on their belt. By the way, there's a lot of stuff that you thought were cool that was cool when you were a kid, which is the mark of a loser today. Like, when I was a kid, I saw the janitor zip line, and I was like, oh, man, that cat has arrived. He must get a ton of pussy.

[Adam Carolla]

I saw those.

[Artie Lange]

Must be beating back the pussy with that fucking thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Those, like, change belt things.

[Artie Lange]

I was gonna say that's the other.

[Adam Carolla]

I loved that.

[Artie Lange]

The two. I would say the change belt. This guy has money strapped to his groin for all I know. It's endless. But, yeah, change belt and the key things were the two things I looked at as a kid and went, wow. Is it because cat's got his shit together?

[Adam Carolla]

They are nifty. But also, when you're young, you are kind of waist high. Was it just all we could see?

[Artie Lange]

I Just think it was nifty. Now, you know, Meaning much better to have a job where you wore one of those green translucent visors, but not exciting as a kid. Okay, so the plot thickens, because, as Mike said, he never spoke to the guy. The guy never went to the theater. He never saw the guy again. And the guy just put it in Mike's backpack. So he says, and never spoke to Mike, never handed him a thing, and never did anything.

[Dawson]

That's correct.

[Artie Lange]

Now, if we're. If it's in the back of the town car, we'll never see it again because that guy would be like, SIM card. No, I did have to sign an autograph for that guy's son, by the way, when I got out of the car. Which was. Which was. Which was nice because we were. We were running late, but sweet guy. Just no real sense of direction. All right, so everyone has been tweeting me, where the fuck is my picture? Because you guys said, no cameras. We got to get through this line. And we all then upheld that decree, and now we have no picture. So I don't have an answer for anybody. I'm as let down as any of you are. I am equally as let down because I stood there with my arm around all of you for no reason. The Seattle pictures are on the Facebook page.

[Adam Carolla]

That'll make the Portland people feel better.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, if. I know if there's one way to heal the wound of a Portlandier, it's a picture of a stranger from Seattle on the Facebook page. I don't know.

[Dawson]

Let the healing begin.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure that everyone's already thought of everything, but you guys have contacted the photographer just to absolutely make sure.

[Artie Lange]

I'm guessing. I don't know who's spoken to him, but, yeah, I spoke to him. He just said, that's the story. Yeah. And. And there's no backups because he just took the pictures on his camera and took the card out and gave him a mic. Well, here's the thing. Mike's a little out of it, but he's not criminally insane, so could. He could. And you at the theater asked him, what's up? Right. He didn't have anything. His pockets.

[Dawson]

Right.

[Artie Lange]

So did he slap it down at the liquor store? He saw him put it in his pocket. You know, so he says. Actually, I misspoke just there. I did not ask Mike at the.

[Dawson]

Theater because I didn't have a chance.

[Artie Lange]

To talk to Mike at the theater.

[Dawson]

This kid. So I asked Mike in the car.

[Artie Lange]

When we were all going to Seattle and Mike's. The first thing out of Mike's mouth.

[Dawson]

Was, I never saw that kid after.

[Artie Lange]

Main Brew and he didn't hand me shit.

[Adam Carolla]

I wonder who he gave the card to.

[Artie Lange]

Chris wants to know if Katie Lang made an appearance. Katie could have went in there just to get herself a couple of wine co and all of a sudden the kid just handed it to her.

[Dawson]

What's on this SD card anyway?

[Artie Lange]

That's a new computer anyway. Ah, Audible, baby. Audible dot com. Shit. My dad says that's a fun book to listen to. I listen to that book, not my dad. My dad doesn't talk. Oh, yeah, Justin Halpern's dad talks. It's a real nice listen. Also, Nick Offerman's book I'm listening to as well. Another 10 hours of delightful listening. Over 150,000 books of all kinds to choose from. You can try it free. Yeah, that's right. Try it for free. Want to pick one? Pick Nick's book or Justin's book or my book for that matter. Try it for free. Audiobook.com, i should say audible.com ace. You can try any audiobook. And again, over 150,000. They probably got the one you want to hear. Details are all on the page. That's audible.comace. so the mystery continues with that. Mike has definitely given me his. I've been noticing this a lot lately. Adults wishing things could be a certain way and thus constructing them in a certain manner that would fit the way their wishes. That sort of went lockstep with their wishes. Except for that's not the way any of it really went down. Now, to be fair to Mike, Mike was busier and shit and running around and shit and stressed out because he needed to get through every human being there and we needed to get to the theater and we had a moron driving us back to the city and we were way on the outskirts and he was like in sort of spinning around mode. So someone could have handed him something. And I've been guilty of this. If you're on the phone or you're talking to somebody and someone hands you something and goes, there's your thing. And you go, yeah. And you shove it in your pocket and you don't register. It doesn't register. Which could have happened, but then I don't know after that.

[Adam Carolla]

Either way, if that's the case, then it'll turn up because it's on his person or in his clothes or something somewhere.

[Artie Lange]

Could have handed it to him and he could have slapped it down or could have fallen out in the back of a town car or God knows. Anyway, if it turns up, please help the good people of Portland. And don't worry, I'll come back and we'll do it all again. This time I'll have some time. Now, I had plenty of time when I went to Bellevue, Washington on Sunday and took pictures with everyone at the BevMo. BevMo has a corporate policy against signing bottles. This was an interesting discussion, by the way. Government back up and running. And not a moment too soon. Because we gotta have rules like no signing bottles at a place that sells bottles.

[Dawson]

It's one of the first rules we should make sure gets enforced when the government gets back to work, can't we?

[Artie Lange]

You know what we need to do? We need to take a fucking crab comb to all the rules and go, we don't need this one anymore, and we don't need that one anymore. What happens with BevMo is they're a big company and they're not Monpa, and thus they have lawyers and they can get screwed and they don't want to be sued. And the Alcohol Bureau of whatever is a pretty powerful organization and they have lots of rules. And BevMo, because they're such a large company, has to make sure they're in full compliance. They're sort of, you know, McDonald's can't have any health scares in the kitchen. And what they've done. And it's the sad part, and it's happened to me many times, as it pertains to the government, also as it pertains to censorship and Comedy Central, we do the worst thing you can do, which is you go too far and you start punishing yourself because you become scared of whoever the fcc, whatever the government entity is. So you're Comedy Central and Adam Caroll and Jimmy Kimmel want to name the show Prank Puppets. And you go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Now, I don't think the FCC or anybody would do anything if you named your show Prank Puppets, but you've gone too far and you're now punishing yourself. Essentially, you're punching yourself in the face with your own fucking fist.

[Dawson]

You see that in the NCAA with football, like. Or if they've broken some rules, they will self sanction before the NCAA can do. It's like, hey, we've given up our wins, or whatever the self sanction is.

[Artie Lange]

It's the scary part of the man. So bevmo, rightfully so. Like any business sadly, is scared of the government. Most businesses have a certain fear level of the government, which is, don't do this. They'll come in, they'll fuck you up. And so bevmo has a no signing.

[Dawson]

It's a horrible slogan.

[Artie Lange]

The bottles bevmo scared shitless of the government since 1982. They're scared to be shut down, or they're scared to be fined, or they're scared to be whatever, so they cannot sign.

[Adam Carolla]

But what's the thinking behind not signing?

[Artie Lange]

You cannot entice people to come in. And. And, well, by the way, who the fuck knows? Nobody knows anything anymore. Just everyone is scared shitless. And whatever manager you have, all he knows is corporate said, no, it seems.

[Adam Carolla]

Like it could be a bad idea.

[Artie Lange]

We could get into trouble. And even there's 1% chance we're gonna get into trouble, fuck it, nix it, you know? And that's unfortunately what we're doing. If one kid gets injured by a law, a lawn dart, it's all going. It's all going the way the dodo. Whatever, whatever it is where somebody throws a beer bottle out under the field, that hits an umpire. No glass bottles. From now on, that's where we're at. One kid, one person, one human somebody. Shoes for one thing. Everybody gone. And everyone says, what's wrong with that? Some people look at his progress. It's not because there's a whole bunch of fucking people in line and they want their bottles signed and it's not going to hurt them, and that's what they want. And they're consenting adults because they're buying my product and they would like my signature. So there's this great conversation with Mike and the manager where the manager's like, no, no, no, no bottles. You can't sign any bottles. And then he says, you can't sign anything. And Mike says, oh, if they got books, we're signing. And the guy's like, no, no books. And Mike's like, we're signing books. We're not going to sign books that people bring. We're allowed to sign books, bottles, maybe books we are signing. So now everyone's in line and we're drunk from buying too many books, marginally disappointed that I'm not going to do what I do at every signing, which is sign bottles. We've now worked our way around it for tomorrow over at the Irvine bevmo, which is. We have had to get hundreds of actual Mangria labels printed. And then I will sign the actual label. Not in the store, because it would catch on fire, there'd be tsunami, right? We all know that. That would endanger millions of Americans. But I will sign on the way to Irvine and then I will stick them on your bottle so you can have a signed bottle. Now, this is a big hassle for us and I'm sure the folks that run the BEVMO aren't delighted by it either, but that's where we're going. That's. This is the hell that we've created. Everybody look forward to more of this as we go because a lot of people consider it progress.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's like a sticker club.

[Artie Lange]

We can't sign. So Mike tells the guy, look, tough shit. We're signing books or whatever else they have. And to their credit, they're smart. They start handing out bags. So I start signing the bottle bags. What's the difference? The booze slides into the bottle bag and then I sign. We are just beating ourselves with our own flip flops. Like we're just stupid and we're beating ourselves. You understand? These aren't rules. We're not living on an alien planet where we crashed into it with our shuttle and now we crash into planet Retard and we have to adhere to all them because they'll kill our kids if we don't adhere to their bylaws. We invented. These are our rules. We don't have to do them if we don't want to.

[Adam Carolla]

It just makes no sense to me.

[Artie Lange]

There's a lot of those attempt to build something or do something in the booze industry. So I now what these rules do. Much like when you attempt to build something in California and you go, fuck it, I'm not pulling a permit because I can't deal with all the expense and the hassle and the time and the fucking attitude, you essentially become a criminal. It forces you into this life. Which is to say there's a guy by the name of Pete and Pete.

[Dawson]

So I got done Terrible at TiVo.

[Artie Lange]

Signing the game. Yes. Not getting drunk and watching it. I run into. I sign all the bags for everybody and all the books for everybody. And like I said, bevmo's doing their best to adapt and start handing the bags out these sort of decorative bags and that's sort of cool little, you know, not as good as in the bottle, but good enough. Well, Pete, 40 something year old, easy on the eyes, well put together. Pete shows up and he says to me and Mike, I'm buying a case and I want to give these out as gifts. And I really Want you to sign these bottles. And here's where we become criminals. Mike says, fine, buy the case. We'll see you in the parking lot, because I don't give a shit. Pete doesn't give a shit. Mike doesn't give a shit. And morally, we're right up there with Rosa Parks in terms of.

[Dawson]

Right up there.

[Artie Lange]

Well, she's up there. Whatever. I'm not saying who was there first.

[Allison Rosen]

Sure, sure.

[Artie Lange]

Everyone understands. Well, there's a law. But you. This, who cares? This is the right thing to do. Oh. Pete over here is buying a case. He wants the other adult to sign, the man who created the stuff, to sign the shit. Everyone's a consenting adult. It'd be immoral. That's right. So here's where a couple good stories all collide. Finally, we're about the end of the line, and Mike says, pete. Yeah. Go wait in the parking lot. And we go walking out there, and there's a guy with a brand new, shiny red Porsche Panamera gts. I don't even think we're looking at the GTS here, Gary. That is the gts. Don't see the badging on it. But anyway, he didn't have the. He had the rim package. Anyway, we're looking at it. 100. I don't know. Find out what the. Wow. I don't know what a loaded GTS goes for, but I said, there's some.

[Dawson]

Good stories coming together.

[Artie Lange]

About 125,000 bucks.

[Adam Carolla]

Rim package.

[Artie Lange]

Rim package. About 125,000 bucks worth of car. Pete's got his shit together. Then he pops the rear hatch, and I walk back there, and I said, well, Pete, I pulled the pen out of my pocket because I got my shit together too. I said, I got the pen. And he says, oh, no, I got it. He had a white china marker, like a big specialty pen for this. So Pete brought the pen, popped it, and then he was pulling them out, and as I was signing him, he was dropping them back in. And just methodical, like, I got through the whole case in about 28 seconds. And then you. Boom. It's getting close. So I don't want base price. I want loaded, baby. That's why I said, load it. That's why I didn't put the price on. Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Right now. How easy is on there? How easy on the eyes are we talking?

[Artie Lange]

Well, Pete, I wouldn't call him a spokesmodel like myself, matinee idol and all, but it's just a guy had his shit together. Like, if you're making a commercial where a guy's got his shit together and he's driving a Porsche.

[Adam Carolla]

You'd want Pete.

[Artie Lange]

That's Pete. And then Mike says, and this is a great thing about Mike. Where you heading, Pete? He says, we're going home. Mike says that toward the airport, because we called a fucking cab. And I'd had just about enough a cab in it at that point. And Mike was like, technically, I like to lose a SIM card in the back of a rental vehicle. But I guess I could, you know, I could compromise. I could buck the rules just this one time. So Pete says, yeah, I'll give you a ride to the airport. So we hop into this guy's $125,000 car with the alcantara leather inside, and we get in there. Now, here's comedy. I said to Mike August when we walked outside of the Aladdin theater outside of Seattle on Saturday night, after we're done signing everything. It was about 12:30 at night, and a chef walked up to us when we were standing out front of the minivan, and he said, I made you a sirloin salad.

[Dawson]

How'd you know he was a chef? Do you have a hat?

[Artie Lange]

I get the feeling there's a lot of guys who just put on clogs and announce their chefs, and what are you gonna do, argue with them? You know what I mean? So he handed them. I can't remember if you guys had split or you guys split back to the hotel.

[Dawson]

I think.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. So we're all out front. Dawson's there, a couple of the guys hanging around. I just got done signing. It's like 12:30 at night. And the guy hands him a bag and he says, here's your. Oh, 135k. Loaded is what this car is. So he hands him this bag and he says, I made you a sirloin salad. Mike says, all right. The following day, we're down. Following morning, we're heading out to the bevmo, and I said, how's that sirloin salad? Mike says, I didn't eat it. And I was like, what? The stone pelican did not eat free food that had the word sirloin in it and was handed to him out on the sidewalk. He inhaled it and he said, no. And I said, what? What the fuck? And he said, oh. During the second show, I went out for dinner, and I thought, okay. During the second show, he went out.

[Adam Carolla]

It hasn't stopped him before, though.

[Artie Lange]

It hasn't stopped him before, but all right, he went out and ate A big dinner, I guess, while we were doing the second show in Seattle. But don't worry, he had it with him. And then he said to me, can you take this food through security? And I said, no, I don't think you can buy food on the other side of security, but I don't think you can bring it through. And he said, all right. Anyway, smash cut to Pete out in the parking lot. Pete says, hop in, I'll drive you guys. The airport. I jump in front, Mike jumps in back. I start smelling food coming from the back. I look back. Mike has the sirloin salad open on his lap, but he has no utensils. He's eating cuts of beef. So like you're trying to train a sea lion or something, like they were.

[Dawson]

Grapes and he was feeding the king.

[Artie Lange]

He's eating cuts of beef by hand in the back of this guy's $135,000 car. And then I look back and I look at him and I go, mike, what are you doing? He's eating. Want to hit Offers me with his hand. Of course I take it. Then he offers it up to Pete by hand. Pete get in on some of this sirloin? The guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Did Pete get in on it?

[Artie Lange]

No, he doesn't eat sirloin from stupid strangers. Hands in the back of his suede leather. $135,000 Porsche. But that's where the salad was going because Mike was not going to dump it at the airport, and thus he was going to eat it in Pete's Porsche on the way out of there. So I said to Pete, what do you do? And he said he worked for the, like, space tourism rocket division of the. The guy who runs Amazon. The guy who started Amazon. Yeah, his guy. That's his guy. He's his lieutenant or whatever. And he talked a little about the program and, you know, how it would work and, you know, space tourism and all that kind of stuff. And a beautiful, beautiful Porsche, 80 mile an hour ride over to the airport and through Seattle. We were dropped off. Mike finished his salad and we shook hand, went on our way. And as he was taking off in his beautiful Porsche with all his signed bottles in the back, I said, well, that's why Pete's Pete. Everyone else in that place went, oh, you're not signing bottles. And Pete said, I'll see you in the parking lot. I brought my own Chinamarca. That's why Pete drives a Porsche, everybody. That's the moral of the story.

[Dawson]

It's not a one to one correlation, but it's a good hater of smart.

[Artie Lange]

Dude, knows what he wants and finds.

[Adam Carolla]

A way to get it, he'll go get it.

[Artie Lange]

He wanted to give these out as gifts. He'd made some sort of moral decision that he wasn't harming anyone or doing anything wrong. And he said, I'll meet you in the parking lot.

[Adam Carolla]

And now he's probably wondering how to get the smell out of his car.

[Artie Lange]

All right. Also, by the way, for those of you who want to know how the Pete's of the world can become Pete's and how you become Pete's, I was watching the Football Live. Michael Strahan. You watch that Football Life show.

[Dawson]

I've seen it. I have not seen that episode, but I've seen. It's an NFL Network profile of usually a legendary football figure.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, yeah. I will play a little clip or two because there's some really interesting stuff on there and some really important stuff. And I pulled out a couple that I thought most of them are very inspirational stories. You realize these guys, they weren't born anything. They just sort of, you know, it's Barry Sanders or whether it's Tom Landry. You realize these guys just were the hardest working guys you've ever met. And there's all stories about, I had a roof with my dad every summer and, you know, blah, blah, blah.

[Dawson]

The guys they pick, it's. It's. Sometimes it's inspirational, but it's always someone who is complicated or has a lot of dimensions, like Bill Belichick. You know, you got a kind of a behind the scenes look at his life.

[Artie Lange]

And the one, there's one through line, which is an incredible work ethic. Tell you the other through line. Luminosity, baby. Right through brain. Oh, sorry. Lumosity. Say that all the time.

[Dawson]

Lumosity. More often.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, no kidding. And make.

[Adam Carolla]

He just wants to make it longer.

[Artie Lange]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

How much he loves it.

[Artie Lange]

Yes. Indubitably. Lumosity baby dot com, they got games designed by top neuroscientists. I wonder if Pete's on that board. You improve your brain's performance. It's like a personal trainer for your bean baby. That's your new core Beancore. Customize to your specific goal. So you have a goal and you go, I want to stop saying luminosity. They'll customize the game for you.

[Dawson]

They just take you to their homepage. That's the game.

[Artie Lange]

They have over 50 million people playing these games, and those are the smart ones. Imagine if the world just played this. Easy to set up play anywhere you use your computer, even do it on your iPhone. So next time your flight gets delayed, instead of getting dumb at the bar, you get smart with your Lumosity on your iPad, your iPhone, use the app. Go to lumosity.com today. Click on the start training button. Create your own program and start playing and tell them you heard it from me. Adam Carolla. So Strahan was watching him. You may know him from him and Kelly Ripa over there.

[Dawson]

He's going to be more famous for that than for football someday.

[Artie Lange]

Ultimately. Sure. I mean, probably might be all right in a lot of households. Probably is all right now, same story. Dad was like a staff sergeant overseas in Germany. Big family, everyone stayed together and everyone busted their heiney. First story, that's all you really need to know is he talks about there's a bike that he wanted. When he was like, you know, I don't know, 10, 10 years old, he wanted this bike that was super expensive. And here's what Pop said. I was nine years old and I remember telling my dad I wanted a new bike, a Kuahara laser light back in 1982. The cost of the bike was twelve hundred dollars. Twelve hundred dollars. And I'm talking a BMX bike, not a motorcycle. And my dad said, if you want this bike bad enough, you earn half of it and I'll help you with the other half. And I cut a lot of grass. I'm trying to talk to people, but I wanted this bike so much that I was knocking on the buildings and cutting these big military based housing project buildings, grass. So he did it, and we still had that bicycle.

[Allison Rosen]

I told him, give it to little Mike.

[Artie Lange]

No, mama, I worked too hard for that. Keep your hands over my bicycle. All right, all right. That bike wouldn't mean shit to him if someone was. If that was given to him by just rich daddy or whoever.

[Adam Carolla]

What are you talking about?

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, you just give him that bike. Do you think he even remembers it? Does it mean shit to him? Is there any kind of growth or any kind of experience that comes from it at all? If it's given to him, why it's the same bike. He wanted that bike. What if he just said to his dad, hey, dad, I want this bike. And his dad said, yeah, and just pulled it right out of his ass and just handed it to him. Probably have to wipe it down, take it to the car wash. Let's hope it didn't have the buddy pegs on it. But either way, you'd ask him. Now, what about that bike? And he'd be like, which bike? Oh, that. I don't know. I think that thing got ripped off when I left it out front. Like, it wouldn't mean anything. He went out and earned it and he busted his ass. And it got a sense of accomplishment from it. All right, story number one, story number two came, I don't know, a minute and a half later when he was talking about his former physique. But that wasn't all. Young Michael was gaining. When I was 13 years old, my brother started calling me Bob. When you're called Bob and you don't know why, you go along with it. But then one day my brother's friend said, we call you Bob because it stands for booty on back. I said, what's that mean? Yo, you're so fat you can grab your wallet like that. You don't have to go behind you. And when I, a 13 year old boy, man, that hurt. But I look at it and I think it was such a turning point in my life. We look at certain little things because it made me want to be better. It made me buy the Jane Fonda tapes and get on all fours and do the Butt Blaster. I was literally trying to work my ass off, if you want to look at it like that. And then Herschel Walker came to Germany when I was 13 years old on a tour, and I met him and I bought the Herschel Walker workout book and I started doing push ups and sit ups. Everything that I could do to lose this weight without knowing that it was turned into. You get the idea these things put a. I'll just stop him. Yeah, no, that's my bad. All right. He got made fun of by his brothers. I know we hate that now. We call it bullying. And now we would yell at the brothers, but it convinced a young Michael Strahan to fucking start hitting it. And I don't know his booty on back if it would have worked. If it works that way with everybody. Some people grab a tub of Haagen Dazs and get deeper into their whatever. But I think it's pretty effective and it's pretty good to know. Like, I don't think he knew when he was 13 that he was a fat kid. And we never stopped talking about health in this country. That's an unhealthy thing to do. As a matter of fact, in a world when you're 12, 13 years old and you're, you know, year 18 months off of drinking and smoking, being fat is about the least. That's about the least healthy thing you can do. You don't have a bunch of other vices at 12. Usually it's not really bad coke habit or anything like that, but it's being fat. And they've now figured out that fat fucks you up long into your adult life. And it starts early. You can start clogging those arteries early. So his brother made fun of him and he didn't like it. So he got a Jane Fonda tape and a Herschel Walker book and he started to go to town. And I liked that he was motivated. And between that bike story and the I'm gonna start doing butt crunches.

[Adam Carolla]

You wanna blow him more than you wanna blow Pete.

[Artie Lange]

There's no reason why I can't do what we call a daisy chain. Or what I now like to call a Live strong bracelet. Ooh, I've updated the daisy chain.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice.

[Artie Lange]

That's right. So you had to know at that point that Michael Strahan, that's all. Those are the two qualities. That's it right there. I'm going to go bust my hump mowing lawns to make money for this thing. And somebody made fun of me for being fat. I'm gonna do a thousand sit ups. And that was it. And that's why he is who he is now. Was he always that way? How do you bottle that? How do you recreate that?

[Dawson]

Yeah. Is he born with that fire in his belly? Sort of the self starting motor?

[Artie Lange]

I would argue probably.

[Dawson]

I would also argue that military dad probably helped.

[Artie Lange]

Dad saying stuff like, you want something really expensive, you go get the 600, I'll help you out with the rest. Is a very nice message to send to your young son.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a waste of my time.

[Artie Lange]

And there's many other mitigating factors. There's not a whole lot of Michael Strahan's. But a nice way to try to make Michael Strahan's is keep intact. Families do things like that offer. You earn half, I'll pay the other half. And if somebody calls you booty back, start doing some sit ups instead of having the person punished who called you a booty back. All right, quick phone call or two and then we'll get to Tom Rhodes, our guest, Joey 29. Hey, how you doing? Hey. Stan Rialto? Yeah, that's me. Yeah. What's going on? Nothing much. All right. About a month ago, I didn't catch you during dinner, did I? Yeah, somewhat. What's going on? Sorry, man.

[Dawson]

Touche.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. Hey, a month ago I found out My mom and my dad blood types. And the results came very confusing because doesn't seem to add up. My mom is B positive and my dad is O negative and I am A and B positive. So I begin to wonder, you know, is my father my real father? I would like to get some advice from your point of view. How do I start this quest? What steps do I take? How is it that you. First off, I have no idea what my parents blood type is, although I'm positive it's negative on both ends, number one. Number two, I'm not sure that they have blood. My dad may have a little bit in his upper lip for blowing the horn, but I don't think there's any other blood in his system.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you think it is? Sawdust?

[Artie Lange]

It's whatever they put in beanbag chairs. They don't put beans in there. No.

[Adam Carolla]

Those little balls.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. This is corn husk. Could be corn husk.

[Adam Carolla]

Popcorn.

[Artie Lange]

Maybe it's horse hair. I don't know. He's old school. Why would you go on a quest to find out the type of blood your parents have? I don't know what type of blood I have. Ooh. Yeah. Well, now I'm married, I have a kid and I was looking at my son and I told my wife, well, my kid is B and my wife is O. So I know where he got the B from, which is for me. All right, thank you.

[Dawson]

Joey, the first step in your journey should be a place called Google. They can answer this for you pretty quickly. You can have a different blood type than your parents.

[Artie Lange]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but. But you can't have AB if your parents are bo. So he's right about that. Like there's something's not adding up.

[Artie Lange]

My blood type is BFD about now, Joey. Yeah. I would not go on this quest. This is like saying, hmm, where does shit ultimately end up? I'm gonna follow mine always. Nothing good could come of this journey. All that could really happen is a weird sob session with your mom where she tells you she was raped by her dad's best friend. But they agreed never to talk about it. Whatever it is. You got that imagery. The point is this. Hold on a second. Here's what I would like to dissuade people in general for going on these sort of fool's errands when there's life to lead. Like when they go, I need closure, I need to know why, you know, like this. People go like, we're broken up. And they go, I would edge you. Look me in the eye and you tell me it's like, doesn't matter. You're fucking broken up. Whether your pussy stinks or your breast stinks or in the case of a girl, no, See, look, the answer is either I'm fucking somebody else or I tired of fucking you or your pussy stinks or I'm turned gay or whatever it is, we're broken up.

[Adam Carolla]

In the case of a breakup, yes. But you think that if his father is not his real father, that's something he shouldn't find out?

[Artie Lange]

I don't. I think as an adult and as a father, which Joey is now and, you know, it kind of depends. There's a kind of a part of it where if this is the only father he ever knew and he was a good father to him, then I. No, you're ahead of the game. I'm not into the blood part. I believe the man that was there and stable and raised you is your father. I am tired of people seeking out their biological parents. It's wildly disappointing to them. It never turns out to be anything good and they always wish they hadn't done it in the end. And I find it to be incredibly disrespectful to the person that dedicated all the time and money and sweat raising you is your father. You're on good terms with him? Oh, yeah. I love my father. I'm the oldest of five and he was 18 and my mother was 15 when they had me. So they did a good job with you. Sort of. I mean, 15. Age gap is 15. I couldn't have taken care of a bench vice when I was 15 like it would have been. You would have shown.

[Dawson]

God knows you tried.

[Artie Lange]

Give me a bench vise. And if you come up a week later, I went. I don't know where it is. I think it's in the yard. I may have buried it. I think I left it in the car. Firemen had to break the window.

[Adam Carolla]

You and some girl. This bench vice to take care of for a week as part of.

[Artie Lange]

I think it's in the class. It's in the Marianas Trench.

[Adam Carolla]

Get Mariana.

[Artie Lange]

Joey, are you okay? Yeah, I'm here. All right. Your dad. You're on. You're on good terms with your dad. He's not my best friend and he's just a father. You know, he never really told me anything serious or, you know, we're not very close, but he does feel like a father. All right, leave it alone, Joey. Wait till after he dies. And since he's only nine years older than you, it's going to be a while.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe. It's also possible, no offense, the dad doesn't know. This might be news to him. This is not good news.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, let's. Let's not pop the cap on a bottle of shit soda, as grandpa used to say. Why? You know what I mean? What's in it? I don't care how hot it is outside. Like, why, what do you want? What's inside of this?

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's supposed to be like, ooh, a scab. I didn't know I have. Can't wait to pick this.

[Artie Lange]

Give me a good outcome in this scenario. Just leave it alone. Just raise the shit out of your kid, that's all. All right, real fast, let's see. How did I feel about transportation? The city? Boxing. Keith wants to know. I got into boxing. I was done playing football, and I just wanted some sort of, like, contact sport. I just liked boxing. Seemed like a contact sport back then. Let's see. Let's talk to Kelly. Kelly, what's going on? Kelly?

[Dawson]

Hi there.

[Artie Lange]

Ooh, 32, baby. What's up? That's me. Speak to us, baby. I was just actually wondering kind of what your thoughts are when you're in New York. How you would feel about maybe moving.

[Allison Rosen]

Someplace like this where you didn't have.

[Artie Lange]

To drive a car in traffic, you know, public transportation kind of thing? I like.

[Dawson]

Well, you'd have nothing to plan about then.

[Artie Lange]

The last time I was in New York, I took the subway. And I was standing there, just standing while a big brother was sitting. And he went. He just went like, hey, man, can you move? And I was like, what? I thought. I didn't know. Like, he went again. I was standing, basically. My ass was sort of where his head was, but not in his face. It's just. It's kind of what happens when someone is standing and holding a bar and the other person is sitting. And it's kind of thing where I feel all the time, you and I always have this love him and hate him. Like, I'm a million miles away from being able to tap someone on the back and go, hey, man, while I'm sitting, could you turn around so I. What? Could smell your balls? Like. Like, his whole thing was like, can you just.

[Allison Rosen]

Back.

[Artie Lange]

Just move over? But it was crowded, you know, There wasn't really any place I didn't stand there and put my fanny in his face for no reason. There wasn't. It was a crowded subway.

[Adam Carolla]

It was. It was the only fanny spot you had.

[Artie Lange]

Right. But I do like that human Being it just goes, hey man, it's me. Move.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Artie Lange]

And never. Doesn't really.

[Adam Carolla]

And where you're gonna put yourself is not his problem.

[Artie Lange]

Doesn't really look around and go, you know the size up process, where it's like, well, let's see how old this guy is and how he's dressed and what his posture is and what his demeanor is. And is there a bunch, is there a bank of open seats on the other side? And he's decided to just put his ass in my face. Like, I was just standing there and it was packed. I didn't know what to fucking do. And again, we're kind of right in the middle of this Trayvon Martin thing. So I was like, a thousand pardons, your highness. You know what I mean?

[Dawson]

You owed him.

[Artie Lange]

I owed him, yeah. This.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you think you were being recognized for a second before he said that?

[Artie Lange]

No, I wasn't sure. I just, I thought he had to get up or something. I felt like tapping on my back or something and I was like, yep, excuse me. And he was like, could you move over butts in my face? And I was like, he was like sitting. I wasn't, you know, there's gonna be that when people are, like I said, sitting and standing. Alright, so that experience was not rich for me. I do like owning a car. On the other hand, not having any place to park and being stuck in traffic all the time is a huge fucking hassle. So I guess the moral of the story is, is I could, I could definitely hand handle it. Also, I love walking. I mean, I'll walk blocks and blocks and blocks. To me, one of the. Ooh, we should get together, Kelly. And walk. I remember I was staying at like Trump Plaza, Trump Tower, wherever it was. Right? On Columbus Circle. Yeah, yeah, on Columbus Circle. And when I was doing Celebrity Apprentice or whatever I was doing over there. And one Sunday, I just had a Sunday off and I walked from there down to ground zero and back and I just put my earbuds in. And along the way, it's New York. You just stop in one of these little taverns, you just sit there and have a beer, watch a little whatever's up on espn and then walk another few more blocks and have a slice of pizza and just sort of earbuds in like they're playing a baseball game, Little League baseball game, like in the middle of everything there and just stop and watch an inning and a half of that. Just something relaxing about. There's something kind of nice about it.

[Dawson]

Heckled the shortstop that's right.

[Artie Lange]

Thank God I brought the beer bottle with me from the tavern. Was able to chuck it at the ump. I don't know why Being alone in a weird way is helpful in those situations. You just do a lot of thinking while you're doing that and covered, you know, 110 blocks and it didn't feel like anything. And that is just something you'd never do in la. You'd never. Dan Marino. Ask numbers in the rushing yards department.

[Dawson]

Explain to Allison what that means.

[Adam Carolla]

But I agree that it's hard to walk around LA.

[Artie Lange]

Dan Maria is an All Pro quarterback. Probably paid 15 seasons and probably had 28 yards rushing. Not known for his life career. Yeah, I know. No, I know, L.A. you just walk to the car and that's about it. All right, thanks, Kelly. I would consider it. And we could walk together. Oh, fantastic. Tell that ass wipe you're living with. Who said you're up? He's out. Who's the dude you're living with?

[Adam Carolla]

My husband.

[Artie Lange]

Tell him he's out. What's his name? Tell him he's out. You're in. What's his name? Griff. Griff? Yeah. Griff.

[Adam Carolla]

Short for Griffin or just Griff Griffith? Griffith.

[Dawson]

Is this Back to the Future?

[Artie Lange]

Yuck. What happened here? Does he have three middle names? It's his middle name, yes. Oh, because his real first name is Dave or Steve and he didn't want to go with that. Patrick, Pat. Call me Griff.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Artie Lange]

What's he do? Try to make claims he's got an idea for a documentary. I said no.

[Adam Carolla]

You were.

[Artie Lange]

He does link finances at Coach. I hate that sitcom.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sorry.

[Artie Lange]

Not even on the air anymore. Come up with a new story when I'm there. Working on what sitcom?

[Dawson]

Northern Exposure.

[Artie Lange]

No, Coach. You mean the handbaggery? Yeah, but he does the money side of it. Does he work his name into lots of conversations? Hi, I'm Griffin. Yeah, I'm just driving the bus. You can sit down. No, not at all. Hi, I'm Grif. He's gonna be so mad. You want to crowd on that dog or just plain? All right, well, tell Griff his days are numbered. I'm coming to town and we're going for a walk. We'll walk hand in hand, Adam, all the way down to Ground Zero. All right, Kel. Thank you, Griffin. Pat.

[Adam Carolla]

Griff.

[Artie Lange]

Listen, you can't. You can't take your middle name and then shorten it and make it into something cool. No, no, we got rules. Ah. But I'll tell You what you can do. Insight, baby. Thinking man who want erectile quality use Enzyte. Millions rely on it. Confident millions of dudes. I guess the ladies may too. Performance every time, baby. Just one capsule a day. Peak male enhancement. That's like taking a vitamin. Yeah, it is. Powerful, powerful erections. Super. You could lift a manhole cover with one of these erections, I'm telling you. Try Enzyte. Enzyte.

[Dawson]

Allison.

[Artie Lange]

Thinking Man's product.

[Adam Carolla]

I would hang my coat on one.

[Artie Lange]

Yes, you could. And it could be, you know, like I'm talking something Don King would wear in the 80s.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Artie Lange]

Not something light.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. Not a windbreaker.

[Artie Lange]

No. Stop thinking Man's product. For rectal quality. Dawson, score a special enzyme trial pack.

[Allison Rosen]

For the sack and receive a 10 day sample of Ogoplex for the ultimate male experience.

[Artie Lange]

Free with your order. Call now. For the most powerful erections imaginable with the Enzyte trial pack for the sack, call 1800-364968-01800-364-9680 or go to smilingbob.com these statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any disease. Free trial requires via life enrollment with future auto shipments. All right, Tom? Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

You know when guys will lift a woman's purse and be like, jesus Christ, what do you have in here? Coats used to be like that. Coats used to be super heavy. When you lift them, do you feel.

[Artie Lange]

I had this. I had this moment with a nice moment, interesting moment, funny moment. Lynette and I. I'm waiting. Went to a movie. Sorry. We went and saw Rush. I enjoyed it and Lynette enjoyed it quite a bit. Maybe more than me. And we were walking out of the theater, and as we were just like walking. Not out of the theater yet, we were just sort of walking through the lobby. I did what I constantly do, my pat down. Guys do this. They pat for the wallet, they pat for the keys. So it's a keys, front pocket, pat down, rear wallet. Wallet. So I never even think about it. But every guy I know and I think you guys all do this. You constantly do the pat down. So as you're leaving the building or leaving work or whatever, you're doing the pat. If you don't feel that wallet, you don't feel that key. Turn around and walk in. I was walking down the lobby, the Arc light. I did the patent. I was like, oh, keys, where's keys? Where's keys? And I was Wearing sort of a slacks or something. And as I was like kind of reclining in the seat and leaning back, the key slid out of my pocket and fell onto the seat, which has happened to me before. So I turned around before we got to the car and said, I gotta go back in the theater. And just went right back to our seats because it was an arc light. I knew what seat we were at. It had assigned seating. I went right to. It was sitting right there. I grabbed it, walked out, and I said, lynette, see? Do the pat down. Guys do the pat down women. I believe the purse fucks women up because they think they have their sunglasses, they think they have their phone, they think they have their fill in the blank. They don't. All in the name of transporting tampons, by the way. They think they have it. They don't. But guys know we don't have our sunglasses if it's not hanging from the front of our shirt and our keys aren't in our. We're patting ourselves down all the time. If it ain't there, we're turning around and coming back. There's no. If I had a bag, I'd have a bunch of shit that I thought was in there. Lynette said, oh, no, I have a special pouch in my purse. That's the only place I keep my phone and my keys. And that's why I never have that happen. I said, I still think the handbag enables more women to forget more shit than guys do with their pat down method. Well, she said, but not me, because I have a special pouch in my purse that I keep my phone in at all times. Two days later, we went to go see Gravity, and we're walking out to the car, and she said, oh, shit, I left my phone in the theater.

[Dawson]

It was in the special pouch.

[Artie Lange]

I don't think it was that particular time. Found it ironic that just moments later, but I always think the purse fucks chicks up. And you can't pat down the purse.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes you can jiggle the whole purse to hear specific things, but you can be fooled. Purse acoustics are deceiving.

[Artie Lange]

Pursecoostics Tom Rhodes. Coming up, Tom Rhodes radio, name of his podcast. We'll bring him in next. Next, the Adam Carolla show honors journalistic excellence with another great moment in local news. I'm Susan Hirasuna.

[Adam Carolla]

Tonight, want to drink Like Jay Z.

[Artie Lange]

His personal mixologist shakes up the rapper's favorite cocktail. Tonight at 10, the Spirit of Murrow and cronite live on. Now back. Back to the Adam Carolla show. Ah, yes. Carbonite, baby. Gotta back up those files. Paul Bryant just wrote a book over 100,000 words. You gotta have Carbonite. Look, I'm doing it on my third book right now. Whatever. Pictures, memories, books, what have you.

[Dawson]

Photos from liquor store signings, for example.

[Artie Lange]

Oh, if we'd only had Carbonite. Yes, you need to back it up. It's one of these things that didn't exist a few years back, and now it does. And soon it will be just a part of life. You have a computer, you backup your files. You can do it on your PC or Mac. Just $59.99 a year. This entire year backed up files, anytime, anywhere. The free app. And you can start your free trial [e-mail]. no credit card required. Use the offer code A's. And I gotta save my house burned down. Oh, crap, the cars. Second to. Oh, the kids.

[Dawson]

If there's a car. The night.

[Artie Lange]

The boy. The boy. Damn it. Anyway, this being my top 11 things that would very much upset me if my house burnt down would be losing all of these files. Use the offer code ace and get two free bonus months. Gary, did we find out if those are new months that we made up or just repeating of a new calendar year?

[Dawson]

I'm not sure about that.

[Artie Lange]

Let me look at that. Okay, we got to look into that. Anyway. Bonus months. Two free months. That's carbonite.com. use the offer code ACE and get two free bonus months. Tom. Good to see you, my friend.

[E]

Hey, buddy. How are you?

[Artie Lange]

Good. Tom Rhodes, by the way, has himself a little podcast available on itunes. He's doing a live show. A live podcast. Stateside theater in Austin. Is that going to be a live podcast?

[E]

Yeah. I've handpicked my six favorite Austin comedians. A lot of unique original comedy comes out of there, and then I'm going to close the show.

[Artie Lange]

Is. Is. Is Austin. So it's going to be a stand up podcast, so to speak.

[E]

Yeah.

[Artie Lange]

Is Austin. I know it's kind of that way with music. Is it going that way with stand up? Stand up had. I don't know, New York was hot. San Francisco was hot as Austin, you know, Seattle for music back when. Is Austin doing that with standup now?

[E]

Yeah, well, they've always had, like, really original, inventive guys coming out of there. And then two years ago, they just started the Moon Tower Comedy Festival, and they're doing something to rival the Montreal Comedy Festival, because that's the biggest festival in North America, and the United States doesn't Have one. So they're. I just did it two years in a row, and they bring in massive names and it's all over the city. And yeah, there's a great tradition of edgy, badass comedy there.

[Artie Lange]

Austin is one of those places where everyone just go, oh, you gotta get out. You gotta go. No one ever goes, ah, Austin. You don't need to go to Austin.

[E]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

People who live there say that you guys don't have to come.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. Maybe they're tired of all the yahoos showing up. And speaking of travel, Tom writes a little column for the HuffPo, and it's sort of a travel column. Right, Tom?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Artie Lange]

And give us a couple of spots you've been to lately or.

[E]

Well, I was just in Greece, in Italy for most of September, and I didn't write anything about it, but I've written a lot of things. For Huffing the Post, there's this great story about being on my honeymoon and getting in a fist fight in Ireland that was chosen one of the top 10 travel stories 2011.

[Artie Lange]

Let's hear.

[E]

My sister died of breast cancer.

[Artie Lange]

Oh, really?

[E]

And a week later, I.

[Artie Lange]

Your wife's eyeballing you, and the next thing you know, you're throwing down.

[E]

Right, right, right. So there was an altercation, and with a friend. Some guys jumped on him. And I'm not a fighter. I haven't punched anybody in years. But I. I, you know, wanted to help my friend and I punched this guy. And I felt like Dean Martin in one an old western saloon movie fight. You know, I looked good, right. You know, nobody hit me. I just poked one guy as he went by.

[Artie Lange]

Most people were drunk, right? Yeah. I'm trying to think of what culture is most apt to fight. And then there's the drinking one, but the ones that drink the most. And then there's the ones that it's not really frowned upon.

[E]

Ireland is definitely up there. I had to go to the hospital, the emergency room the next day, because I broke my finger. And they gave me this little wimpy splint for my finger. So I went to the drugstore and I asked this guy who worked there, do you have any splints or things like that? And he's like, yeah. And he told me there was an entire aisle of, like, fighting injury. That's how prevalent fighting is in Ireland. Yeah, there was wrist splints and finger splints, and. Yeah, they're definitely a fighting culture.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. Anti brass knuckle cream and things like ointment and things like that morning after Pill. I think the first, I think the first thing there is a drinking culture, right When I fighting kicks in.

[E]

I read some study that came out last year that like Irish people and Scottish people historically fight because they were herders and they had to have a reputation for fighting so you would stay away from their property and their daughters.

[Artie Lange]

Well, you know, if you think about it. But people have like Dr. Drew has a couple of like, I don't know, Scottish or Irish or whatever, herding dogs or sheep dogs or whatever the fuck dogs anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he has Australian cattle dogs.

[Artie Lange]

Cattle dogs. And they do herd everything. If a 2 year old walks around through the house, they herd that kid hopefully into the garbage disposal. But they herd the kid around. You know, they herd things around. That's what they do. And everyone understands that with dogs like you go, well that dog's, what's he doing rooting underneath the sofa? Well, back in the day they would root out the foxes and now the sofas become whatever the hedgerow. But we all understand that with every animal. Well, what about human beings? You know, your forefathers did a lot of this, engaged in a lot of that behavior. And why wouldn't you be more apt to engage in said behavior if you had multiple generations engaging in said behavior?

[E]

It's in your DNA.

[Artie Lange]

I concur, it is. And why wouldn't it be? Why I do think as human beings, we do think we're that much different than other animals. And while we're the top of the food chain, I think there's a lot of stuff that's built into us that we don't really get credit for.

[Adam Carolla]

It's interesting the way we think some things are built in, but others aren't. Like if our forefathers drank too much, then it, we will be like, oh yeah, it makes sense that you drink too much. Cuz that is passed down.

[Artie Lange]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

But you know, but behaviors you're talking about, like what are you saying? Like fighting or.

[E]

Well, I think as far as fighting goes, it's a good thing. I've always been anti gun my whole life, but I've done a lot of shows in England and Ireland and they don't have guns there. And I've seen heavyweight championship brawls on the street where people just getting pummeled and you don't see that very often in the United States because you don't know who's got a gun. I'm sorry, I'd rather not. You punch me out in front of my girlfriend. Here's a bullet in your Chest.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. That's an endorsement for guns, though, right? I do feel that way as well. I wonder. I think. And in this country, I feel like we used to see more fighting.

[E]

Right. Doesn't it? Like, I mean, you think about west side Story and they had knives. I mean, how nostalgic. I mean, to pull a knife on somebody.

[Artie Lange]

I mean, you would laugh if somebody.

[E]

Pulled a knife on you.

[Artie Lange]

Well, I don't know. May as well be a Slinky. I wouldn't. I wouldn't probably. You know, I might chuckle. I don't know if I would hold my side and let's say we're stabbing.

[Dawson]

You'd eventually be holding your side.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. Yeah. I think someone just gave me a knife as a gift. By the way, there's a knife out there. I love a knife. I don't know what to do with it. I do like the guys who have them on them, though.

[E]

Holder on the belt.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. You do that move where you go, you get that box or that something and you go, oh, shit. And all of a sudden the guy just comes and he hands it to you. And your first thought is, what the fuck? And your next one is, oh, good. And he's cutting into the thing. But my first thought is, what the fuck? And my second is always fantastic.

[Adam Carolla]

I dated a guy who used to carry a knife strapped around his ankle. And this is not the one you're thinking. He's the different guy. And I always wondered, Hmm. I don't know if I feel safer or not.

[E]

Like a big Crocodile Dundee sized knife.

[Adam Carolla]

How big was Crocodile Dundee's knife?

[Artie Lange]

Oh, Bowie style.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I think it was.

[Dawson]

Don't ask questions like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Does everyone know?

[Dawson]

Everyone knows Crocodiles Indies knife, first off.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, excuse me, I've never seen it in real life. If it's distorted on screen.

[Artie Lange]

Just let me give you this heads up. If it's a movie, it's either a very small knife or medium. Oh, no, wait. It's always a huge novelty knife. It's like asking, how big is Rambo's knife?

[Adam Carolla]

I would say this knife was magic marker size.

[Artie Lange]

Please tell me you know how big Rambo's knife was. I think the most, arguably. Arguably the most famous knife is Rambo's knife.

[Dawson]

I would say Crocodile Dundee, but those are one and two.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm seeing crocodile swords are not knives. It was small.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, swords are different. I would say Rambo's knife because I feel like Rambo was more. More. He did more with it.

[Dawson]

It's probably on the poster with the knife too. Yeah. Holy fuck, there he is.

[Artie Lange]

Very foul. It was on the poster. All right, should we do a little news, Tom? Hang out?

[E]

I would love it.

[Artie Lange]

Crack wise Tom Rhodes with. There's really only one Rhodes, right? R, H O D E, S. Some.

[E]

People spell it oddly differently. They'll put an A in it, but yeah, it's Rhodes. Like the Greek island.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, sure. Tom Rhodes Radio, by the way, available on itunes. Let's do some news, baby girl. The news with Allison Rosen.

[E]

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Allison Rosen]

It's Alison.

[Artie Lange]

And when it's time to wrap it.

[Allison Rosen]

Up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Alison.

[Artie Lange]

Alison.

[Adam Carolla]

I appreciate immensely the way Tom Rhodes is enjoying what a great song. And I think all guests could learn a thing or two from you.

[Artie Lange]

Yes, I'm available to council them.

[Adam Carolla]

Please do so. Adam, as you already alluded to earlier, the partial government shutdown is over, at least temporarily. It was 16 days, and shortly before midnight, Obama signed a bill that ends it. It prevents the government or prevents the country from defaulting. But this debt cushion now extends through February 7th, and current spending levels are authorized through January 15th. So there, while there might not be an exact repeat, people are saying it's basically.

[Artie Lange]

We've just delayed it and I think everyone's getting paid. They're back. Whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Federal workers are expected to return to work Thursday morning. Yosemite national park was already resuming operations.

[Artie Lange]

See why. First off, I knew they'd get paid. And secondly, this is why I always hope for everything all the time. These motherfuckers now just all just gonna get two weeks pay.

[E]

Did you see the stenographer flip out?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's my next story.

[E]

And that was the thing. And I looked it up online and there's no audio.

[Allison Rosen]

There was.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yes, there is.

[Artie Lange]

Is there audio?

[E]

Because I read this. She says she's what's quoting from. Flipped out at the house in the Congress. And she said, a house divided will not stand. She was quoting from the Bible.

[Artie Lange]

Take it away, Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

So what happened was a house stenographer, a well known employee, loved by everybody, even though everyone knew her and they didn't think she was a nut job. She calmly took to a microphone right after the bill was signed. So it's like frenzied chaos in the house. She calmly goes to a microphone and then she began screaming. And. And I love this because I don't know if you guys have this. I feel like, all humans have it, which is imagining. What? Just don't you sometimes just imagine standing up in a completely inappropriate moment and yelling or doing something? That is just crazy.

[E]

Right? And she was a reasonable woman. That's.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody had that, I guess.

[Artie Lange]

I think everyone has that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I usually imagine it, like, at musicals or graduations. What would happen if I did this? So anyway, she started ranting. They had to pull her out, and I. We have some audio. We also have audio.

[Artie Lange]

He will not be mocked. He will not be mocked.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't touch me.

[Artie Lange]

He will not be mocked. The greatest deception here is this is not one nation under God. Big mama got it all. It never was. Had it been, it would not have been.

[Dawson]

Would she get a phone over there?

[Artie Lange]

No, it would not have been.

[Adam Carolla]

It's in the hospital now.

[Artie Lange]

The institution would not have been written by Freemasons. You cannot serve two masters. You cannot serve two masters. Praise be to God, Lord Jesus Christ. I feel like stenographers have a lot built up in them. No shit. You know what I mean? Like, you never hear of an auctioneer just snapping.

[E]

They're just sitting there listening.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. So I guess, do we also. Is this video now of. Of part of it.

[Artie Lange]

That's just a picture. Oh, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're right. You hear people going postal. But now she wants steno.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah.

[E]

I think people are getting pissed, and people are getting fed up, and I think, you know, like you were saying, Adam, these motherfuckers are still getting paid. I think we should get more involved. I think they're too far removed from us. We should have, like, stands, like, stadium seating surrounding Congress. We should be able to heckle and spit, and there should be trading cards with their voting records on the back. We should all get really involved in what's happening. No, no.

[Adam Carolla]

This should be like. Like fantasy government draft.

[Artie Lange]

I agree, but still, I'm gonna go home and get drunk and watch SportsCenter and do nothing.

[Adam Carolla]

It seems like she was more than just getting involved. I mean, I'll just. I'll just repeat some of the things she said. She started with, do not be deceived. God shall not be mocked. A house divided cannot stand. He will not be mocked. He will not be mocked. He will not be mocked. I think we heard it the first time, and then, let's see. It never was. Had it been it never. It would not have been. No, it would not have been. The Constitution would not have been written by Freemasons and go against God. You cannot serve two masters.

[Artie Lange]

That's stuff I really do think that stenographer has to be like, there are certain jobs that just cannot be healthy for one's psyche. And I often think about the guys, drop guy who work in the prison, you know, and they. They work it with the, you know, criminally insane. Or the ones where they have to do those crash units where they have to get in shoulder pads and a helmet and stuff because a guy's naked and he's throwing feces at him and they have to charge in there and tackle them and the guy's fucking screaming, I can't breathe. And you're holding him down. Like, what's that? Do you know? That's a job, but what's it doing to your fucking brain? You know, you have to be so strong and Stenographer. Just hearing blowhard politicians just go all. Just fucking wax on all day long. I don't know what happens when there's a filibuster. The guy's sitting there singing the dreidel song, and you have to just sit there and write it. I don't know. First.

[Adam Carolla]

Secondly, with, like, only a few little keys.

[Artie Lange]

Doesn't everyone have a recorder on their fucking iPhone? Like, what do we need? Stenographer? Do we need, like, a town candlestick maker and horseshoer, like, blacksmith? Like, we have digital recording devices.

[Adam Carolla]

Do we not go the way of the town crier?

[Artie Lange]

They must have an incredible union because they're at work at every fucking courtroom throughout America. It's a weird thing because somebody said the day these recorders come in, you know, we're screwed. I know they have to.

[Dawson]

Then they laid down a hard line.

[Artie Lange]

Every once in a while they gotta read back this stuff. And a lot of it is, like, he said, fuck me. Fuck me harder. And this is in Congress. No, I'm talking about in court. They have to read back, like, big, fat, juicy, weird things that people up on the stand say were raped by bosses and stuff like that. That's a weird one, right?

[Adam Carolla]

It's super weird. And they're not infallible because sometimes they'll say, wait, what did he. What did she say? Like, they'll, like. They'll make everything in court stop for them to get it down on their stenography.

[Artie Lange]

And they have their own stenograph or whatever it is, which has no application any real life. So every single conversation they have goes like this. What do you do? Oh, I'm a court stenographer. Oh, well, I bet. Well, shit, man. I bet you can type a thousand words a sentence. It's different. They're little half words, like, I don't think they.

[Adam Carolla]

How did you learn?

[Artie Lange]

They're not connected to it, to a keyboard. So it's not like you could go home and just. It must fuck you up to be in front of a keyboard because your fingers are so used to the little half words that they use. I don't know, I've never seen one. But I've just. I know that they have symbols and like, abbreviated words, but I don't think it lives anywhere near your keyboard at home. So you're essentially training yourself on an instrument that you'll never use out outside of this concert hall. Powerful.

[Adam Carolla]

There should be like a qwerty to sonography app for their iPhones. Yeah, maybe there is one. But didn't that used to be something that you had to go to some like DeVry or something if you had no prospects? You feel like I'm pissing off stenographers, but that was. You could get your degree in court reporting.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, it's as I was saying to the therapist, my therapist the other day when I was complaining what lazy sacks of shit everyone is. I said, and I've said it here, every commercial I saw growing up when I would stay home from school, be. Learn to work in a doctor's world, be a nurse, be a court stenographer, drive a truck. You can get a class whatever license in three weeks at the Wally Thor School of Trucking. I said, now every commercial is, do you have cancer? Did you work in the shipping industry? Did you slip and fall? Were you fired? There's a class action lawsuit. Yes, there's a class action lawsuit against this.

[Adam Carolla]

The gravity vaginal mesh.

[Artie Lange]

Vaginal mesh. Do you cath at home? We're the law firm of. And at every daytime commercial is don't get up and get training and get a career and get a new job. It's stay on the sofa. We can get you paid and blame someone else. That's all the daytime commercials. That and the lottery. So I thought, weird message. But yes, stenographer would be one of those things. Probably back in the day, if you were female and maybe didn't seem like you were heading off to college, someone might tap you on the shoulder and go, why don't you take this stenographer? They get good benefits. They make good. You know, they have a good. It's a nice professional living and go do that. But I do think you're. You're going to become a sponge for so much shit and you're going to need to purge and maybe that's what we heard.

[Adam Carolla]

Does your therapist have any advice for your quest that everyone do your best?

[Artie Lange]

Yes. I haven't hit that part of it with her, but I was driving to get frozen yogurt with my daughter right around New Year's Eve. And I was thinking about what my New Year's resolution would be. And I had that thing where I was going through the start, lose ten pounds. You know, the basic stuff. You know, focus on this or that. Like, I started thinking, then I thought, I'm doing pretty good. I'm doing very well. And then I thought, I need everyone else to get their shit together. So that became my New Year's resolution was for all you to get your shit together. And then it would, you know, obviously impact my life in a positive way. But I thought, I'm good where I am. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Why mess with perfection?

[Artie Lange]

Well, near perfection. I never say perfection. I'll drop that one on her next time I see her likes that.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not our business, but we all want to know.

[Artie Lange]

She did answer, by the way. I've never had a therapist do this one, though. But I said, every one of those commercials I watched growing up was about getting up, getting a job, starting a career, and getting to work. Everyone now is about sitting home, don't worry, we'll get you a check. And she went, I never thought about that. You're right. And I said, yes, that's where. That's where we're heading. It was a very simple message.

[Dawson]

She had a breakthrough.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, give me 20 bucks, bitch. I said it was all about get your shit together back then. It's like, you're not working, you're home and you're not working. There must be a reason. Well, learn to drive a truck. You'll be fine. All right? I'll tell you how else you'll be fine. On it. O N N I t dot com. Great products like Alpha Brain Hemp Forest Protein, Organic coconut oil. Hey, where's Max Apata? Did we ever find out who stole? No. It must be with the SIM card. Yeah, it was with the SIM card and all your cash that got stolen by somebody. The fuck man on it sent us a whole bunch of good stuff, a bunch of great supplements. And I was looking forward to my coconut oil and use my jump rope tonight, by the way, they make that. They make the kettlebells, all that good stuff. Anyway, they've launched a five week primal challenge. Five weeks to get you back to your primal nature, baby. Like I talked about, man. You can run, hunt, fight like your ancestors or like you're Irish and drunk and out in the street without a gun. So Max, Pat, and August and Kalin are doing it, and we're in the middle of it right now, but we'll check the progress soon. And you can check it out, by the way, at AdamCarolla.com join the challenge for free at Onnit.com Adam grab some of their products. 10% off. So you get 10% off high quality supplements products, workout equipment, stuff like that, plus 100%, no questions asked money back guarantee. That's onit.com Adam. What else we got? Allison?

[Adam Carolla]

Trying to figure out who my money would be on between August, Chris, and Caitlin.

[Artie Lange]

August is not August. August is. Well, he's eating the sirloin with his hands in the Porsche.

[Adam Carolla]

But he does have a lot of willpower, though. More than anyone else, really.

[Artie Lange]

He doesn't get tired. Oh, he did fall asleep on the plane finally, which was very gratifying. I never see the guy sleep or doze off or do it and do anything of that nature. So. Yeah. Also, the thing about August, and the thing I appreciate about August is I like to cut everything very close and he doesn't care. He's always completely down with that. If we play and go to Seattle, we'll probably do it next time and we'll do the Moore theater. It'll be 1900 seats and it'll be sold out. And we'll be in a hotel that is nine blocks away. And I'll just go, what time's the show? And he'll go eight. And I'll say, I'll see you in the lobby at 7:50. And I'll go, see you then. He never goes back at 7:45. I just go, see you then. And that's when you see him. But he'll always be there first and he'll never be yawning. He doesn't drink coffee.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right. We'll see. I still don't know if I would have put my money on him, though. Speaking of things that people who are taking this challenge should not indulge in, perhaps you saw this, Adam, A lot of people have been tweeting me a story that says Oreos are more addictive than cocaine or might be more addictive than cocaine. I'd like to know what anyone who's done cocaine would say about that.

[E]

I've done cocaine, and it's much better than Oreos.

[Artie Lange]

I agree, too.

[E]

Yeah, you can't hold a stripper's attention with Oreos.

[Artie Lange]

That's a good point. Even if you have one of those Oreo belts we were talking about earlier. And it was rats.

[E]

It was a study with rats. So rats are going to eat Oreos?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's what they did. They studied the brains and the behavior of lab rats while being presented with and eating Oreos. And so first they gave rats. They put them in a maze, and they put Oreos on one side and a rice cake on the other. And of course, they went to the. But here's something interesting, sort of. They found out that rats preferred to eat the Oreos by eating the middle first and then the cookie.

[Artie Lange]

Interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

So then they took rats, and they preferred different rats. They put them in a maze, and on one side was a saline injection, and on the other was a cocaine or morphine injection. And then they compared the rats who liked the drugs versus the rats who liked the Oreos. But they didn't actually do what they should have done, which is Oreos on one side, drugs on the other.

[Artie Lange]

They need to do that. I always. And whenever I hear one of these, I always picture the science. The rat science lounge, where they're all just hanging out during their lunch break.

[Dawson]

It's a real. It's a real spin of the road.

[Artie Lange]

The guy's, like, walking around and one rat's like, what are you doing? We're doing this thing with Oreos and cocaine. It's awesome. I'm in on that. What are you doing? Ah, fuck. I got sleep deprivation again.

[Dawson]

You think that's bad? I just got injected with cancer cells.

[Artie Lange]

Oh, man. You got Oreos and coke over here.

[Dawson]

Joe over here got his nails painted.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, there must be rats that are just. They're just fucking out there talking a story, too. Oh, you guys haven't heard soul thing about how blowjobs, Oreos, and cocaine affect me watching IMAX movies. You're not in on this. Are you doing the whole cancer cell injection?

[Dawson]

Yeah, I got the cancer cell.

[Artie Lange]

Oh, no, man. Just watching gravity, man.

[Dawson]

Oh, really? How is that? I hope to live long.

[Artie Lange]

It's better when you're being blown and doing a rail and doing, like, doing a double stuff. Freeze. Is.

[Dawson]

Is it a long movie? Because my time on earth is limited.

[Artie Lange]

My eyes are rolled, sucked off. You know what I mean?

[Dawson]

Oh, that's right, because you get the blow jobs along with it. I forgot about that. Yeah.

[Artie Lange]

You ever done a double stuff Freeze.

[Dawson]

No, I can barely use my hands anymore from the cancer cells.

[Artie Lange]

Oh, okay. All right. You need anything from the vending machine.

[Dawson]

Some chemotherapy. If there's some over there.

[Artie Lange]

This is so ironic. They have Oreos in there. I get those for free.

[Dawson]

So silly.

[Artie Lange]

You want. You got 50 cents? I'll get you some Oreos.

[Dawson]

No, no, I have. I can't chew anymore. I see the fellas.

[Artie Lange]

Oh man, they're good.

[Dawson]

I take your word for it again, if there's chemotherapy between here and there or even just beyond, get some and bring it back because I need it now. Mmm, please.

[Artie Lange]

Chemo. Is that that Hawaiian rat? I don't know about that thing, man, I gotta get back. We're testing the effects of crack cocaine while I get a Swedish massage? While flying over the super bowl in the dirigible.

[Dawson]

Well, I'll be interested to hear the results of that study.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah? Yeah. I mean, if you're obviously still around.

[Dawson]

Is it a short study or a long study?

[Artie Lange]

Well, we're a few months off the super bowl, if that's you're asking. Maybe they'll show us films. I don't know. That's why they do the experiment.

[Dawson]

Hey, fingers crossed.

[Artie Lange]

Alright, so maybe I'll see you here tomorrow.

[Dawson]

Maybe. Maybe not.

[Artie Lange]

Anything at all from the vending machine?

[Dawson]

Again, just the chemo.

[Artie Lange]

Also, they want to know the effects of eating crepes while being complimented by people who are better looking than you.

[Dawson]

That's a very subjective survey.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, I know. Oh, can I tell you though? Sure. I feel weird about complaining, but you know, crepes mostly. Do we do like the jelly and then the powdered sugar?

[Dawson]

Yeah, those are delicious.

[Artie Lange]

They ran out of powdered sugar.

[Dawson]

Oh shit.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

Did they use something else instead?

[Artie Lange]

We had to use coke. So then we had to study the effects of crepes and coke.

[Dawson]

That's a new.

[Artie Lange]

And eating. I put the Oreos double stuff. We combine them while flying over the. The super bowl and watching a film in imax. Yeah.

[Dawson]

You're watching Gravity at the same time in imax?

[Artie Lange]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

Wow, that sounds like a hell of a story.

[Artie Lange]

You go back and tell the skin graph guys, you know what's up.

[Dawson]

I'll go tell them I was out.

[Artie Lange]

Tell them what's up.

[Dawson]

Tell myself.

[Adam Carolla]

To be complimented by someone better looking than you when you're a rat. I wonder what that compliment would be and what the rat would look like.

[Artie Lange]

I think it translates. I think it always feels good. I think the. I know, but I think the all white rats with the. Minus the pink eyes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, right.

[Artie Lange]

Super blue Paul Newman type eyes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah.

[Artie Lange]

I don't know if they have those but that's got to be the best looking rat.

[Adam Carolla]

The Hitler rats.

[Artie Lange]

The Hitler dream rats. Yeah. Snow white rats with piercing blue eyes.

[Adam Carolla]

Who wouldn't be?

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if they're all pink eyed, but they need to have. They need to have those blue eyes on the white coat. That'd be a good look. Yeah. We'll study it. You got one more for us?

[Adam Carolla]

I sure do. And it's also in the same realm. Did you know that there are pecan pie Pringles? Pringles has come out with holiday dessert chips. Last year, I missed this entirely. Last year they had pumpkin pie, peppermint, white chocolate, which sounds disgusting. And Pringles. Yeah. And cinnamon and sugar dessert chips. And now they've added pecan pie chips.

[Artie Lange]

Mmm.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you saying ew?

[Artie Lange]

I'm saying.

[Dawson]

Ooh. Pringles are not even a chip. It's like a. It's a pressed thing. And now they're putting weird flavors on it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a dessert chip.

[Artie Lange]

I gotta tell you, you know, we're doing our rant on Bugles the other day, how everyone loves Bugles. No one buys Bugles or eats Bugles. They just love Bugles. They're the fish and chips.

[E]

They're good when you're a kid.

[Artie Lange]

And they would fit on your fingertips. Fit on your fingertips.

[E]

They need to make adult types Bugles.

[Artie Lange]

There's put on other tips, but they're saying, come on, ladies, who likes Bugles? All right, call the dunce cap. Whatever, baby. Get started. Let's get some rats in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Pregnancy and aids or just pregnancy. That's what I'd be saying.

[Artie Lange]

I was given a sack of Bugles and the Bugle, like ranch flavor Bugle. It was like spicy jalapeno. I don't know. The thing I never understand is Bugles are bugle flavored and Pringles are Pringled flavors. And we're weird because we're so body image obsessed, but we never stop thinking of new ways to make ourselves fat. I went to the fucking LA Zoo. They had a churro hut. It's an entire structure dedicated to churros. By the way, churros can be dispensed quite easily from shopping carts with propane tanks attach them. It's an LA delicacy. But it's a Mexican donut that's been straightened out. But the churro, there was 15 flavors of churros. Churros, its own flavor.

[Dawson]

Churro is a flavor.

[Artie Lange]

Everything's its own thing. That's what drives me insane. And then they had the churro that was filled with cream. And then also I thought, how fucking homoerotic are we gonna take this? You know what I mean? How far are we going with the sucking on the long flesh shaped thing? Uh oh, he just got a face full of goo. Like literally, hey, here's the nine inch phallic fleshy thing filled with the goo. Start sucking on that, Junior. But can we just at least again, the flavors of whatever it was. Can we just keep it to that? Do we have to have a holiday edition? Everything this stuff, beer has got fruity.

[E]

What happened to beer flavored beer?

[Artie Lange]

I don't know. Potato chip flavored beer. Must pencil out, though. They must figure a way to this must make them money.

[Adam Carolla]

It must.

[Artie Lange]

And then who is that stoned or that just whatever, where you're going to the market and you're just walking down the aisle and you go, no. Pumpkin pie flavored Pringles. Well, all right.

[Adam Carolla]

I think some of it's curiosity.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

Is that an impulse buy or is that on the list? Pumpkin pie Pringles Must get like, you.

[Artie Lange]

Know, I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there was something that we were. I think it was the. Was it the candy corn Oreos or something?

[Artie Lange]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

That there was so much talk about it and then no one could find them.

[Artie Lange]

Right, right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

That I was like, I would like to try to find those. Okay. I have a question about the Bugles, though, because I saw when someone gave you Bugles and it was so short aft. It was like right when you were. When you were talking about somebody ran.

[Artie Lange]

Across the street and must have bought.

[Adam Carolla]

Bugles, because I thought, what are the chances that this person had Bugles on them?

[Artie Lange]

Thank God they' There was a huge emporium called Bugles and such that was just across the street. And they got me regular Bugles and like I said, jalapeno Bugles. And I ate the regular ones that night. Then I didn't eat dinner and I ate them that night. And then the following morning on the plane, I just went, oh, it's one of these things. By the way, if you do not want to finish off a sack of something, do not be belted to a seat for two hours with nothing to eat and no TV set. Once you get in, you're in, baby.

[Dawson]

You got the Beagles through security?

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, I must have.

[Dawson]

They're lightening up on Bugles.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, I don't think you can bring like beef stroganoff Pringles. No beef Stroganoff. I don't think you can bring like a casserole through there, but I think you can bring some chips. I must have. I threw them in my backpack. I guess I forgot about it or something. So I'm sitting in there. I never really thought about this. I'm not like, I'm one of these guys who's like, all right, don't eat the whole sack of whatever. It's not even that good. And you're not even gonna remember you had a couple of beers. It's just not worth it. But like I said, strapped into a seat for two hours and 15 minutes, no TV and nothing else to eat, you'll never not get through it. When you're at home, you can do the move where you have a couple and then you fold it up and maybe you switch over to something. I'll have a little hummus and a crack or something, or something a little healthier. And you'll put it away and you put the chip clip on it. And then you'll walk back to the den, plop down in front of the tv, and you can kind of make it. I opened and closed this sack of Bugles 28 times. I did the. All right, two more. Now shut it and put it in the seat back pocket in front of you, where you're just going to go right back after it again and open up again.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you have to check it to get it away from you.

[Artie Lange]

I should have fucking crumpled up like a SkyMall, shoved it in the Bugle's sack and thrown it as hard as I could toward the back of the plane. Because I put it away and went, no more Bugles. I'm not gonna finish off this whole sack of Bugles. And besides, it was a Bugle. And the flavor I didn't even want. It was like that jalapeno or Zesty or whatever it was then. He wasn't even enjoying them. But so trapped on this plane with nothing else but savory snack mix that I just folded over and I. Like, one time, I'm putting it under the seat. I put it under the seat and I sat there with my arms fold, like, this is my best non bugle eating face.

[Adam Carolla]

Girlfriend, I feel your pain.

[Artie Lange]

And then I just sat there, like, with this Bugle puss on, like. And then literally 18 seconds went by and I went, all right, I'm going to open the package, I'm going to pull four out, I'm going to put them on the tray, and then I'm shut It again. And I just went. At a certain point when there's.

[Dawson]

You've heard the siren song or the bugle.

[Artie Lange]

Certain sore. Certain point when there's like, less than nine bugles left, you go, oh, fuck it. Like, who we kidding? Then smash cut to bugle sack. Capsized on faces I'm tapped. Then me, like, licking my finger and wiping it around the inner side. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Could have been better than eating in.

[E]

Front of other passengers who have no food.

[Artie Lange]

I had Mike August passed out. He would have gladly helped me with the bugles had he not been passed out. Full baseball cap pulled over. There's baseball cap leaned down. And there's the one where the brim actually gets lower than your chin. Where you actually wear the baseball cap on your face in the cap. Yeah, that's right. All right, bring it home, baby girl.

[Adam Carolla]

News. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, cunts.

[Artie Lange]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Mmm. Stamps.com, baby. Over 8 million small businesses out there, many of them still wasted. And time at the post office. What the hell? What year is it? Stamps.com, man, they bring the post office to you. Not the attitude. Not the weird, stale, mildewy smell. All the good parts of the post office, all brought to you right by your own computer. That's right. Stamps.com leave and send you digital scale. Automatically calculates the exact postage for any letter, package, class of mail. All there. Never overpay again. Special offer, no risk trial. You get the free digital scale, plug it right in your computer, and you put your package and presto, change o. Out comes your beautiful stamps. Well, they're not stamps. It's really just what you need to send your package. And it's right out of your own printer. And it is stamps.com. you get the digital scale, you get 55 bucks free postage. Go to stamps.com now. We use it here. Dr. Drew's been using this for like, 15 years with his office and his home and his home office. And you go to stamps.com, you hit the microphone at the top of the homepage, you type in AdamStamps.com promo code Adam, and you get 55 bucks free postage. All righty. Icehouse Pasadena. Rich Eisen, everybody. That's coming up Tuesday. Bevmo tomorrow. Me and the Stone Pelican, everyone. Bring him something to eat. He'll eat it right in the parking lot with you there. That is gonna be Irvine 11:00am Bevmo, Irvine. And also it's at all the Bevmos all around. Well, wherever there's a Bevmo just California, Washington. Oh, screw that. Just California and Washington for now. We'll keep spreading around for you. You can find your Mangria there. The Adam and Dr. Drew show this Sunday. Kathie Lee Gifford calls up high on pain meds. Maybe a little bit. She had a little procedure done. Found it enlightening. All right, Tom Rhodes. Tom Rhodes radio. Available on itunes. Stateside theater in Austin November 30th. Check that out. You can check out his website, TomRoads.net Twitter him, TomRoads, and the Austin November.

[E]

30Th show tickets go on sale tomorrow on AustinTheater.org There you go.

[Artie Lange]

So until next time, Adam Kroll from Tom Rhodes, Allison Rosen, and Paul Bryan. Say it. Mahalo. Hmm. Where does shit ultimately end up? I'm gonna follow mine.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, this is Adam Kroll Show.

[Dawson]

1188 from when Tom moved back to the States and was launching his career resurgence, appearing on tons of podcasts.

[Allison Rosen]

Coming next, we have Patton Kroll Show.

[Dawson]

1201, a rare Artie Lang in studio back in 2013 with Allison Rose and Brian Bishop.

[Artie Lange]

Hope you guys enjoy. We're starting a couple minutes early. Bald Brian is on his way, so he'll be walking in momentarily. Good day. Allison Rosen. Hello, Adam Carolla and Artie Lang.

[Allison Rosen]

What's up, man?

[Artie Lange]

I love Artie Lang.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, you almost named this book when. When you were on terrestrial radio. I was a guest, and you introduced me as the Disheveled One, and I enjoyed that. I thought. And this. This person who's no longer in my life when I said, I'm gonna name the book the Disheveled one, and the guy said, do you think your fans will know the word disheveled? It was the most condescending thing I've ever heard in my life. But I must have meant something because I went with another title.

[Artie Lange]

Crash and Burn is the title he went with. Available on Amazon. You go to AdamCrowdell.com, you hit the Amazon banner, and pow. Bookmark it. Show some love. I think I checked earlier today about number 130 or 40 overall on the charts. And by the way, those charts run deep. I mean, Baba Bowie's first book is 273,000 right now.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I know when you say that, people think, wow, but, yeah, there's like half a million books on there, so, yeah, I'm very proud.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. Amazing. I have been working my ass off, and every weekend I have not had a chance to read it yet, but I look forward to my assistant reading it and reporting Back to me very soon.

[Allison Rosen]

A lot of assistants have told me it's great.

[Artie Lange]

I'm guessing this chronicles everything because of the title.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. It's the last four years, which have been somewhat sketchy.

[Artie Lange]

You look really well. No, you seem better, but. No, I'm saying you're cleanly shaven. There's a light in your eyes. You seem like.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't even seem very disheveled.

[Artie Lange]

Yes, you're hardly disheveled.

[Allison Rosen]

I went to Beverly Hills and went to the art of shaving.

[Artie Lange]

Oh, you did?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. And then a South American guy shaved me, you know, and it was fantastic.

[Artie Lange]

Paul Drums appeared.

[Allison Rosen]

Getting a massage.

[Artie Lange]

Yes, I've done that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's great.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. The thing that. Here's the reason I can't enjoy any experience, because I went there. I went there once, too. Somebody got me a gift certificate.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, well, good, because it's $85 before the tip.

[Artie Lange]

And they said. All right. Stop fucking with his mic. He's fine. He speaks to a mic for a living. His mic just got adjusted 13 times in the last 11 seconds. You're doing a great job.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Artie Lange]

The fact that the thing that they use, that's the shape of a strap, is called a strop. I can't sleep at night. It's a perfect thing to call a strap because it is a strap. The very definition of a strap's a long, thin, long. It's a piece of leather that's longer than it is wide.

[Dawson]

Talk about hot shaves.

[Artie Lange]

Yes.

[Dawson]

What are the chances?

[Artie Lange]

The straw.

[Dawson]

I walked in the middle of a hot shave conversation.

[Allison Rosen]

It's obnoxious that. Call it a straw.

[Dawson]

Have you gotten them before?

[Artie Lange]

Is that what you're doing? You got one today?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, yesterday.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on, Brian.

[Dawson]

I'm an aficionado already. I got some ball.

[Allison Rosen]

Brian.

[Dawson]

Sorry, bud.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sorry.

[Artie Lange]

I didn't like.

[Dawson]

Shave is wonderful.

[Artie Lange]

I didn't like the idea also, that everyone likes the notion of the straight edge. Yes, but the straight edge needs to be replaced by a thinner edge that slides on top of it. Basically, the straight edge has a condom that they use.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's sanitary.

[Artie Lange]

Yes, but I would rather get hepatitis C or at least risk it. Like, here's my thing in life. I want to sign the fucking waiver that says use the razor that Al Capone held against his nemesis neck when he wanted money out of him, you know, not the one at the fucking cartridge. Because now we're back to a Bic.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I don't mind the COVID because it's probably the least cool way to get aids. If I'm going to get full blown aids, I want. I want it to be hot gay sex.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Not a simple transfusion.

[Allison Rosen]

I want prison sex. I want. It's a better story.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, I don't want it from a shave. Shaving. So I like the COVID Right.

[Artie Lange]

I wonder if that ever happens where somebody said, ooh, HIV positive. What happened? Blood transfusion, hemophilia, dry anal rape.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, right, Gotcha. So, the old fashioned way.

[Artie Lange]

So the book, the way grandpa got aids, the book is called Crash and Burn and it chronicles the last four years. Can we go through the last four years?

[Adam Carolla]

Can I share that? I actually just got a little bit lightheaded reading about the suicide attempt or. No, I guess it wasn't exactly a suicide attempt. You were trying to feel something.

[Allison Rosen]

I say in the book it wasn't. But then at the end I say it was because I figured out while I was writing the book that it was. I was fooling myself. Yeah, I mean, listen, I got. I became a heroin addict. It's not a complicated thing. When you do heroin, your life slowly goes away. And that's what happened to me. I didn't care about anything else but getting and doing heroin. And then eventually your tolerance builds up and you don't know what to do because you can't get high. You need heroin just to be normal, just to get out of the house. And, you know, I do the road a lot. So if you realize, you know, you gotta go to Pittsburgh for three days if you don't have heroin, you know, you gotta find a place in Pittsburgh to get it. And it becomes a living hell. And you let seedy people.

[Artie Lange]

Permantes, by the way, for the people that are listening. But no, you have to go into some horrible neighborhoods.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, absolutely. It's. It's not great. And then I get. You get recognized sometimes.

[Artie Lange]

Sure.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, I end up doing shows for bags of heroin.

[Artie Lange]

Well, didn't you? I think you told us once on this show that a club owner.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, A manager of a club.

[Artie Lange]

Manager of a club is the first guy that gave you a taste.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, he said at the time, you know, because my schedule was so crazy, I started taking painkillers and I got up to like 50 Vicodin a day. Day. And I got, you know, these guys, when you got to get on stage with three sold out shows that night. And he said he saw me and I was a mess. I was in like full blown withdrawal. When I got to the Club. And he goes, what do you need to get on stage? And I said, I need. Probably if you get like 100 Vico. And he goes, I can get you 100 Viking. He goes. And he said this to me. He said, you know, heroin, you should try heroin. It's better for your liver. And at the time, that made sense, and I asked him for it. He went out and got a few bags of heroin. I snorted a couple in the back. I did the three shows. I went back to my hotel room and I did a couple more lines. And when my head hit the pillow, I said out loud, I'm in trouble. It was the most. It was the most euphoric. Put it this way. The movie I was watching on Demand was Alex and Emma with Luke Wilson and Kate Hudson. Great.

[Artie Lange]

Phenomenal. That's how you know you're at the end.

[Allison Rosen]

I was going, is m okay? Is Alex getting back with Emma?

[Artie Lange]

You know, most guys who manage and own clubs make the florist from the Town, the movie the town, look like Jimmy Carter, like, in terms of their attitude.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. They make him also look like Robert Redford.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. Young Lang, proper. He was hooked.

[Allison Rosen]

Hooked him up nice and proper. She took to the needle. Nice.

[Artie Lange]

People on the planet, you could.

[Allison Rosen]

Tell them, listen, if I do heroin, I might die. And they're like, well, okay, but you gotta do the shows, right? And that will be fine.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't think he was looking out for your liver?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you know, maybe.

[Artie Lange]

There he is, by the way.

[Dawson]

Pete Puffleflate.

[Artie Lange]

Oh, my God, what a great character. Great.

[Allison Rosen]

Like when someone tells you, look, you're gonna play a florist, and you go, I don't know if that. Wait, wait, there's more, right?

[Artie Lange]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Amazing movie, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

I know this is supposed to be a cautionary tale about not doing heroin, but now it makes me so curious. I've never done.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I see. That sucks, because I wrote the book for the exact opposite reaction.

[Adam Carolla]

I won't do it.

[Allison Rosen]

But, yeah, I mean. I mean, if you take a look at me, you should not do anything I've done. But if you read this book, hopefully people go, I don't. I don't want that to happen, you know?

[Artie Lange]

Well, you know, the heroin thing is the. Either you love it or you vomit uncontrollably.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I never shot it.

[Artie Lange]

And for me, I mean, you don't want to love it, and you don't want to vomit uncontrollably. So what. What's. What's our answer?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you know, the One time I got shot with it. I was dating this stripper outside of Philly, and she dealt, and I would go there to get stuff, and it became like a sexual thing, which was great. She looked like David Ortiz with a neck tattoo. And I, I. I got involved. I was sleeping on the couch.

[Artie Lange]

Big junkie.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. She had a good tolerance. And I was sleeping on her couch once, and she, like, I thought I was dreaming, and I saw her unwrap a needle and load it up, and she was coming towards me, and she. She just hit me in the arm. They call it like a skin pop. Not in your vein.

[Artie Lange]

Oh.

[Allison Rosen]

I only snorted it, you know? So when I did that, when I realized what you did, I got up to, like, strangler. I'm like, what are you doing? And then I threw up.

[Artie Lange]

Oh.

[Allison Rosen]

And. Which apparently didn't. She didn't mind that. Like, I guess people do that there. And then the high hit me, and it was like, whoa. And then for 11 hours, we just sat there watching Law and Order. It was unbelievable.

[Artie Lange]

And so you get to that point where you need it. I mean, don't do it, Allison. You need it to just exist in the beginning, but you stop getting high at a certain point in the beginning.

[Allison Rosen]

It's great. Like, the first person who ever got high on heroin, I always think, like, what if he thought that it would always be how he felt? He must have been like, wow, this is great. The comedown is hell. It's the worst. And then when you build up the tolerance and nothing gets you high anymore, and you need this to live, and you can't go to the drug store to get it. It's like diabetes medication, but you can't get it legally.

[Adam Carolla]

How fast did that happen for you?

[Allison Rosen]

It took me about six solid months of using, snorting, and then he considered shooting it, but I never did that. Mostly because it's hard to find a vein.

[Artie Lange]

And, you know, doing this and being in a rock band, maybe playing drums in a rock band is sort of hard enough. But morning radio, this is this, because the gig, you know, the opening band walks off stage about 9pm in the evening, and all they gotta do is cart you over to the back of the stage, and you can essentially pound out on a drum kit, you know, just through muscle memory. But doing morning radio, I mean, what would your schedule be like?

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, well, again, this is what happened. I set it up to where I had to do drugs. I would do the Stern show Monday through Friday, you know, 6am to 10. And then I'd fly to say, like, Friday afternoon, I get off the show, go to jfk. I'd fly to Phoenix, say, okay, as an example, crash in a hotel for a couple hours, do two shows that night at a club, try to sleep all day Saturday if I could, and then do three shows maybe that night, and then get the check at 4am sleep a little bit, catch the 9am flight home because you lose the hours.

[Artie Lange]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Try to get to bed to be back on the air tomorrow at 6, where I got to get up at 4:30 in the morning. And I did that sometimes a few weekends in a row, which is just right. And you know, oddly enough, it started to affect my performance on the show and my decision making.

[Artie Lange]

And were you getting high at this point?

[Allison Rosen]

No. No.

[Artie Lange]

How long were you able to get high and maintain that schedule?

[Allison Rosen]

Four years. The first four years on Sternberg were bliss. It was the greatest job. I was having fun. It was a dream. But then the drugs caught up with me, and then I was like, wow, you know, and I started nodding out in front of, you know, 15 million people. It's not like nodding out in the Z morning zoo in St. Louis, you know, it's all over the country. I mean, you know, so it was brutal. It was like a living. Like I was like, maybe I did die and I'm in hell right now.

[Artie Lange]

Sad that. I mean, you were still funnier than almost any other. I mean, the guy who needs to kill himself is Jackie Martin, because you were still even sleep and high as a kite. Still funnier than Jackie.

[Allison Rosen]

No, you know, I think. I think this is true of you when it comes to sort of humor. I think we. We have. The only thing. The only thing I'm good at is being funny. I. Even in that state, you know, when you do a bunch of stand up, your timing gets good. Like I was doing stand up every week, and I was on Stern five hours a day. I was writing like I was never funnier. I was as funny as I'm gonna get. You know what I mean?

[Artie Lange]

I don't know which is funny.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know where that lands on the spectrum, you know, somewhere in between Albert Brooks and Gallagher, know. But I was as funny as Artie Lang is going to get. And I in. In a coma. I could say some funny stuff. Like, you know, Howard would talk for 20 minutes and I could say something funny every 20 minutes into the mic and I get paid. And, you know, yeah, that was a problem. I could do my job for a long time.

[Artie Lange]

Did he know? And they know that something was going on with you at the very end.

[Allison Rosen]

They knew the severity of it. And then I put them in the worst position ever. They don't know what to do. Like, if we fire him, is he going to jump off a cliff?

[Artie Lange]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

If we don't fire him, what's gonna happen? And Howard made the right move in not firing me because he knew my personality. And that would have been devastating, especially for Matt Show. And then at the end they just said, look, he gave me the greatest option. He said, go away, take eight months and come back. You'll have your job. It's not going anywhere, right? And I just shit all over that idea. I said, fine. And I went to eight days of rehab. I basically escaped from it, went on a four day binge. And when I ran out of the heroin after that, I found life unbearable. I was like, I fucked everything up and I tried to kill myself.

[Artie Lange]

And did you try to kill yourself because you ran out of heroin or you knew that this was never going to end or because you just physically couldn't obtain any heroin for 48 hours?

[Allison Rosen]

I wasn't willing to go through, I wasn't willing to take another trip to Spanish Harlem. I was like, I don't want to do that again at 6am the day after New Year years. And I said, I'm done. I said, you know, I'm 42 at the time. My experience in this life is, I mean, Elvis was only 42 years. Why should I have any more? You know, I, I, maybe this is all I need in this life. And I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go. And, you know, I guarantee no one's ever killed themselves when they were high on heroin. No one's ever done that.

[Artie Lange]

Because you feel too good. Yeah, it's when you're coming down, it's.

[Allison Rosen]

When you run out.

[Artie Lange]

Well, how did you know? I remember hearing the stories and I didn't know if it was, you know, cry for help. Sorry to.

[Allison Rosen]

I think in a way it was. I mean, I could have blew my head off, but, or jumped off a cliff, but I didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

You started by drinking bleach, right?

[Allison Rosen]

I drank bleach, yeah. Thinking that would get me drunk. That was trying to get drunk. That's where my mindset was.

[Artie Lange]

And then you stabbed yourself.

[Allison Rosen]

I stabbed myself nine times and slit my wrists.

[Dawson]

And Adam, back to the bleach. Don't get any ideas, please.

[Artie Lange]

Well, cut it with a little vermouth, by the way.

[Allison Rosen]

When I fall off the wagon, I'm Willing to do it with Mangria.

[Artie Lange]

Thank you. If I can just get that endorsement on air.

[Allison Rosen]

If we can set up a deal, yes.

[Artie Lange]

There's money in it for you. So I don't know the severity of your wounds.

[Allison Rosen]

You hit the nail on the head. It was a cry for help. I did want to die, I think, but it was a cry for help type of way to do do it because I never went deep with the cuts. They were just like surface. I mean, if I had abs, I might be dead, but I couldn't get in there. And, you know, losing blood, I might have passed out. But when you really want to go, you check into the 50th floor of a hotel and you dive out the window.

[Artie Lange]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Or you blow your head off. I didn't do that.

[Adam Carolla]

At the time, were you thinking you wanted to go, though? Because, I mean, I was just. I just read that section right now. So in that section you're saying that you just went. Wanted to feel like.

[Allison Rosen]

I wanted to feel like, different than I did. And when that didn't happen, I think I said, well, let's just get out of here, you know?

[Artie Lange]

Did you have access to a gun?

[Allison Rosen]

I could have got a gun, yeah.

[Artie Lange]

And so who ultimately found you?

[Allison Rosen]

My mother and sister were on their way over to my apartment for an intervention, which I didn't know anything about.

[Artie Lange]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

And some good friends and some family members just showed up at 9am that morning. And it wasn't going to be one of those interventions where I had a choice. They were going to drag me there and they found. Which is the worst thing. Like, I thought maybe a cop will find me, like my mom found me. I'll never get over that guilt of that. I mean, it's the most devastating thing that's ever happened.

[Artie Lange]

Well, at least they were right about the intervention.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Artie Lange]

I mean, they could have been half an hour.

[Dawson]

I told you we should have been here at 9:30.

[Allison Rosen]

Could have been a half an hour earlier.

[Artie Lange]

Right? Geez. And I. I know. I believe your dad suffered a horrible injury and was, you know, confined to a wheelchair. Your childhood.

[Allison Rosen]

That was my bitch thing for a while, but I got over that. I mean, he climbed roofs and installed antennas for a living, and he took every risk there was. And right after my 18th birthday, he was working on a house. I was supposed to go with him on the job, and I blew it off to do something stupid. I used to shoot pool. I used to. I actually used to hustle pool with my friends. Nine ball. And I went to go Shoot nine ball.

[Artie Lange]

They called him Art Going to be Fats. He wasn't fat at the time. He was very athletic.

[Dawson]

I was ho booking Fats.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, Hoboken gonna be Fats.

[Allison Rosen]

That would be great to be that man. But I. And I went to shoe pool and he put the ladder on top of a picnic table to get to the top of his roof. And he went up and he went to swing a hammer to secure a wire and he fell 30ft on his head and became a quadriplegic. So I had that guilt that I took around for a while.

[Artie Lange]

I was Talking to Joel McHale about his dad who fell off a ladder.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, really?

[Artie Lange]

Shatter hip. And did this about five years ago. But I thought women talk a lot about many things. We heard the great Michael Moore on Bill Maher's show that said every 75 seconds a woman in this country's rape. I say every 73 seconds a dude falls off a ladder. I swear to God. Men are confined to wheelchairs. Die paraplegic and quadriplegic times the thousands. I don't. There's no one's mom who's ever fallen off a ladder. I was just talking about a custom van.

[Dawson]

I was just talking about this weekend about the time he fell off a ladder.

[Artie Lange]

They're really like in the pantheon of PSAs with the, you know, secondhand smoke and the boating safety and all this shit. The don't fall off the fucking ladder, dude. Over 60, well, it's gonna happen because you get a little lightheaded, but you still have the balls of a 20 year old, right? And you're basically doing the same shit you did and you've done a hundred times. And there's that thing that says this is not a step, which means it is now going to become my bitch. I'm going to step on it. And the thing that's a little out of reach, but I don't think there's ever a woman. I'd like to know statistically how many women die, have their pelvises crushed or confined to wheelchairs.

[Adam Carolla]

Many women who've fallen off ladders.

[Artie Lange]

No one's ever fallen off a ladder.

[Adam Carolla]

No of these guys falling off ladders because of improper ladder leaning.

[Artie Lange]

There's like, it's really. The ladder takes two dudes to operate. If you kind of want to do it right, you kind of need that one guy at the bottom.

[Allison Rosen]

It's insanely dangerous. It is. I mean, you know, it's.

[Artie Lange]

But it is. You know what it is? A ladder is the, you know Sort of home improvement device, version of the all terrain vehicle, which is when you see a dirt bike, like when you see a motorcycle, it's making a lot of noise. It's on two wheels. It's got the knobby tires and everything, everything. You go, oh, I'm not getting on that thing in flip flops and shorts and holding a beer. You know, I'm not gonna do it. But when you see the three wheeler come along, yeah, come on, get on. You got the kids.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just a big big wheel, right?

[Artie Lange]

The kids on the, on the lap, no one's wearing a helmet.

[Allison Rosen]

The difference like between those stand up jet skis that you have to balance and now the wet bike, we just sit on it and I'm like, I'll do that in a second.

[Artie Lange]

What could happen? What could go wrong? Tell that to the pier pylon at 55 knots. So the ladder skill. Seems like we all fear the gun. We all fear the circular saw, you know, the router. Like things that make a lot of noise and sparks fly off. And the motorcycle. But the ladder is the ATV of the garage, which is. So it's inert, you know what I mean? It just kind of sits there and you go. It helps you get shit off upper shelves and stuff. And the next thing you know, you're trying to slide a rock under one side of it because it's a little out of whack. And you're up there and it starts raining and you start reaching and then you just go and ass over teacup and your head smacks the side of the curve.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what my. That's what happened to my father. He was doing it since he was a kid and he thought he was invincible. I mean, he thought he was invincible. And him on a roof. I remember in the 70s going to work with him. I'd be like 7 years old. We'd be on a high rise in Newark and he would be on the ledge and just like, you know, dangling the other towards the, the street, towards the roof, and just to bust my balls, you know, And I'd go, I'd be crying. You go, you know, I'm just with you.

[Artie Lange]

I love that.

[Allison Rosen]

It was a matter of time.

[Artie Lange]

All right? You should use your brain. Not for ladders, not for heroin. Lumosity.com Baby, let's not mess around with the brain, man. That's the core. You got to keep the core in shape. Lumosity has 50 million people playing these games all day, every day. Easy to set up, play anywhere Use your computer, even your iPhone, your iPad. With Lumosity.com Lumosity.com Go there and exercise the core of the core of the center of the nuggety core your brain. Go to lumosity.com and start training today. Click the button and boom, you get started. Tell them you heard it here. That's me, Adam Carolla, lumosity.com Artie Lang, hanging out with us. Name of the book, crash and burn. So you got the seat, you got the, you got the Stern seat. And that's a great, that's a great gig because you can, your batting average is so unbelievable on that show.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you didn't want it, so I got it. Isn't that true?

[Artie Lange]

No. What I, you know, what happened was, well, I had a weird thing with, with Stern, which is I was, you know, I was a big fan of Stern, but Jimmy Kimmel was a bigger fan, right. Of Stern. He clearly, he loved. Yeah. Well, now between him and Huey Lewis, it's all coming out now, but huge math, you know, and, and I like Stern because I thought Stern was funny. But Jimmy's a radio guy.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Artie Lange]

Jimmy was like just fucking in love with Stern. And our biggest career lament is we never were asked to be on Stern. We've done the Tonight show and Letterman and everything else, but we just never, I'd done Letterman, I think Jimmy, Yeah, Jimmy done Letterman by then, and Conan, you know, the View, everything. Just never did Stern. And that's the show we wanted to do.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, well, you know, by the time you guys were doing the man show and by the time I got on the show, Aaron Howard was already a rock star. The show was legendary. It just wasn't on his radar, you know?

[Artie Lange]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

And someone had to tell him about. And I was sitting in the chair when you guys first came on and called in.

[Artie Lange]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Artie Lange]

And he, I, he, I guess it was a thing where, you know, I was doing late night radio and he was doing early morning radio and he just, you know, I think Stern has things that he's into. Actually, I don't want to call him Stern Howard. How I think he gets pissed at me when I call him Stern.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't like, well, like guys do that, you know, last name type stuff.

[Artie Lange]

Well, also, I don't want to be one of those jerk off celebrities that throws around people's first name. Like when I'm talking about, I call him Robert De Niro, like calling Sandra Bullock Sandy Sandy or, you know, but I don't think Howard had, knew Who I was, quite honestly. He just.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, he probably didn't.

[Artie Lange]

He probably didn't. So Jimmy and I came on the show and I think he liked Jimmy a lot, but I think he loved.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, no, in the beginning. Yeah, you were his. You love. He loved you, and you were great on the show and, you know, you knew how to do radio.

[Artie Lange]

And so he was like, well, just move to New York and do the show. And I was like, I have three jobs in LA and two houses. I can't just move. Because when you haven't heard of somebody, you assume that they're not doing anything. And Howard's the biggest name in radio.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Artie Lange]

So come on out to the biggest market in the country and hang out for four hours and get paid and do the show.

[Allison Rosen]

What's the downside is, like, it was all about timing for me because I was under contract with a sitcom, Norm MacDonald sitcom. We did two years and it was a five year deal. It got canceled just as Jackie left.

[Artie Lange]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

So I moved back to New York. I bought a place, and that's when I started getting into. Norm had brought me on the Stern show a bunch of times.

[Artie Lange]

That guy sounds hot.

[Allison Rosen]

And they. Yeah, thank you. And they knew me from that. So they let me sit in and get in on the rotation, the guys in the chair. And when he offered me the job, the sitcom went away. I just moved back. And I was like, my God. And some of my agents, sometimes they're just idiots, especially out here. They went, you're gonna. You're on a sitcom, you're gonna go back and do radio. I'm like, dude, it's not fucking radio. I'm going on a Howard Stern show. He's my Johnny Carson. Don't you know what's gonna happen if I'm on that show every fucking day? They didn't get it. I'm not going to do the Z Morning Zoo. I'm going to do Howard Stern.

[Artie Lange]

Well, also. So those were the days, too, when people would get together the next day and talk about what Stern talked about.

[Allison Rosen]

The biggest thing in the world.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, you're right. And no script, unfettered. Say your piece.

[Allison Rosen]

Our type of thing, right?

[Artie Lange]

And the best, honestly, you could do the Tonight show and a human being would not mention a word about it the following day. But if you did Stern, 12 people come up to you the following day.

[Allison Rosen]

That's why I said he was my generation's Johnny Carson. Because in the 70s, like, if you killed on the Tonight show, you went from making 500 bucks a week to 4,000 or something.

[Artie Lange]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

The Stern show that, you know, did that more than any other talk show. And I literally went from playing a funny bone club to Carnegie Hall. I mean, that's the difference.

[Artie Lange]

And, and unfortunately, there's all this money that's going to be left on the table if you don't head to JFK Friday and head to Phoenix.

[Allison Rosen]

Unfortunately, it was too much to give up.

[Artie Lange]

And then you get that, well, the first show is sold out. The way you make your money is on the second show.

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly.

[Artie Lange]

That second show.

[Allison Rosen]

Give you another five GS.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. And then there's a third show if that thing sells out and the person that's booking the thing is not going on the trip with you and doesn't really give a shit.

[Allison Rosen]

The agent sitting by a pool in Burbank at like an ecstasy party while you're in, you know, clear Cleveland.

[Artie Lange]

That's right. But it's hard to say no because you know that if you do say no, when you'll look at the clock on Sunday, three in the afternoon, you'll be sitting in your condo and you'll go, well, there's $35,000. It's not in my bank account. Well, again, and it would have been over by now.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's what happened. By 2007, I was doing Super Bowl Eve shows in Vegas.

[Artie Lange]

So.

[Allison Rosen]

So Super bowl leave. 2008, I play Mandalay Bay. I made $140,000 that night. One night I got 60 grand for two shows. And then they paid me 20 grand to go to their club to stay for like an hour to say I was at their club. So I got 140,000 for the night. I lost 80 grand at the tables. I spent 10 grand on a hooker.

[Artie Lange]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

That looked like a young Elle McPherson. I mean, people got the way to get a whore and enjoy it is don't give like seven whores ten grand. Give one grand and I guarantee you'll understand the whole thing.

[Artie Lange]

Write this down. Give seven.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't do that. Thank you, Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like a word problem in math.

[Artie Lange]

Okay, so if little are coming. Yeah. So you get like a $10,000 hooker.

[Allison Rosen]

There's hotels within five miles of here. The bar on Thursday night will have five. I'll point them out to you.

[Artie Lange]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they look like 23 year old Carmen Electras.

[Artie Lange]

Uh huh.

[Allison Rosen]

And it's worth 10 grand.

[Artie Lange]

What's the code?

[Allison Rosen]

I'll give you 10 grand, but you whisper it. Codes aren't necessarily a whisper.

[Artie Lange]

But how do we know exactly? For 10 grand, how do we know who they are in advance? Because they're there alone.

[Allison Rosen]

Listen, you have to risk that. It might be a mistake.

[Artie Lange]

Boyfriend from the UFC is returning from the bathroom. No.

[Allison Rosen]

You can be like, no, I'm just waiting here for Jeremy Piven, right? I'm like, oh, sorry, yeah. How about 20 grand?

[Dawson]

You are a prostitute.

[Allison Rosen]

But not. So, yeah, so I did that, and then I had to give commission to my stupid agents, and I about broke even. And when I realized that on a flight home hungover, that I broke even on 140,000, I said, my God, man, this is like, if my father were alive, he.

[Artie Lange]

He'd slap my face like, son, you got to get cheaper horse.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, gambling ate a big chunk of the tail.

[Allison Rosen]

80 GS.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Guess who I bet on? I bet on the super bowl. I bet 50,000 on the Super Bowl. I parlayed a bet with the over.

[Artie Lange]

I. I swear to God. They must know that when they take degenerate comedians. I hope you take this in the spirit in which it's intended.

[Allison Rosen]

I got a story for about what.

[Artie Lange]

You'Re about to come to their casino and just give them, like, 100 grand to do it show. So easy to go fucking let that ride on the Patriots, because it's really. It's a couple hours work of you holding the fucking Miller Light and telling jokes.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you know what these guys would say to me? They would give me a suite with a pool in it, and I would use it. I would go up there the entire weekend. I would sit on the edge of the bed and cough for 10 minutes, and I go back downstairs playing hold em or craps for like, 20 straight hours. And I would go back and do shows the next night in the same clothes I was in on stage the night before. And I would. It would cost me ten grand to do. Stand up there, and, like, I'd be going to the airport.

[Artie Lange]

Money you would lose at the tables.

[Allison Rosen]

What they say was, they got to the point where I go, listen, do you want the check, or you want to just put it on your account?

[Artie Lange]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

And I was like, all right, whatever. And as you know, they would always go, hey, come back anytime.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, you were sure, sure.

[Allison Rosen]

You're way better than Kathy Griffin.

[Artie Lange]

And not only that, some of these casinos would say to, like, the guys, you want to be paid in chips.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, that's going to me, too.

[Artie Lange]

Well, it's a pretty cool look if you're going to get. Get somebody to just come to Your house and play, play your kid's birthday party. And you knew that there was a good chance that whatever you charged the clown Bonzo over there, they could leave it all at your house before they left. You'd fucking pay them that way too. I mean, that's what they do.

[Allison Rosen]

Some hotels I stayed at, I won't tell a name, but they would have ten grand in chips in my room. And I'm sure when the manager was putting 10,000 in my room, maybe his assistant would go, what are you doing? He would go, making us 30,000, right?

[Artie Lange]

How much do you reckon you've lost gambling?

[Allison Rosen]

I tried to figure this out. I think over the years I'm down about 800 grand.

[Artie Lange]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

Over the last.

[Artie Lange]

Couldn't get to a million over the last 20 years.

[Dawson]

There's still time.

[Allison Rosen]

I didn't even hit that goal.

[Artie Lange]

Jordan just lost that in the time it took you to say 800 grand.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I mean. Imagine, imagine like, like me, Alec Jordan gets treated out there. There's stories about him.

[Artie Lange]

I want to hear about the ten thousand dollar whore for a second.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, go ahead.

[Artie Lange]

Because this is not. You know when people do this bullshit where they go, it's a $10,000 martini. And you go, what the hell is a 10,000? It's got a diamond in it.

[Allison Rosen]

There's no such thing.

[Artie Lange]

That doesn't taste like a ten thousand dollar martini.

[Allison Rosen]

Two dollar martini and a nine thousand.

[Artie Lange]

Or it should be the size of above ground pool, you know, but instead it's just, you know, it's bullshit. But a $10,000 whore looks like a $10,000 whore, right?

[Allison Rosen]

They look like young playmates. It's like having your own personal Pam Anderson. And you could do whatever and look something inside of them. People wonder how could they fuck a guy like me or something? Something inside of them has died. You know what I mean? Like, like you have to, you have to take that into account when they make that decision. Something died already. So I'm talking to like a dead person inside and something died.

[Dawson]

And don't flatter yourself.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, something died and made me.

[Artie Lange]

That's why I don't eat the pussy. You know what, that smell of that thing.

[Allison Rosen]

That'S 11 grand.

[Artie Lange]

I once said it before, but I'll say it again. I think it was Ron Lester from Varsity Blues. We'll find a picture of him. A fat guy?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, the fat guy.

[Artie Lange]

The fat guy from RC Blues.

[Dawson]

Pj, RJ or whatever.

[Allison Rosen]

He's a big guy.

[Artie Lange]

He's a big guy. He Said, he said on Loveline, he said that he would get prostitutes and all he would do was perform oral on them, pay them and send them back. And I said, that's like going to the airport, getting a rental car, putting a coat of carnauba wax on it and then returning it. How fucking low does your self esteem have to be? And what's in it for you?

[Adam Carolla]

He looks like he's standing next to a young Amy Schumer.

[Artie Lange]

I, I think this must be from the set of Varsity Blues.

[Allison Rosen]

Who'S even funnier.

[Artie Lange]

So the $10,000, you both agree that something has died?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, we don't have to say that out loud. I think we both understand that.

[Artie Lange]

And chit chat. Are they better at small talk?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah. I remember one time. Well, it wasn't a $10,000 one. She just.

[Artie Lange]

And do you have to tip on the 10 grand? No.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that.

[Artie Lange]

Don't be ridiculous. Okay. I don't know.

[Dawson]

Don't be ridiculous.

[Allison Rosen]

What are you crazy? What do you think I am, stupid? Do I look like some sort of moron? No, there's very. Yes, there is some. You stuck. I mean, but you know, what are you, what are you going to talk about again? They're so. You think we're jaded in show business? They are like a million times more jaded. Like, you go, I'm in show business. Like, yeah, I just, you know, I just fucked an astronaut. Like, I don't care, you know?

[Artie Lange]

And I'm sure they fuck Kevin Costner before you or whoever. Right?

[Allison Rosen]

The other people part of it, you know, maybe. Right. I'm, I'm, I'm on the back end of, you know, Jimmy Khan or something.

[Artie Lange]

Right, right. But your money, it's ten grand. Is ten grand.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, my money's good.

[Artie Lange]

Do you get, you get the whole evening?

[Allison Rosen]

No, no, one time it wasn't a $10,000 one, but it was one Super Bowl. Levi was out there and I, this one cost me about four grand. And like the only, like it happened real quick. We got up there and stuff and, and I walked across the room. I got out of bed and I walked across the room to get money to pay her. And the only real thing she said to me, she lit a cigarette, she giggled and she went, uh huh. You kept your socks on. That's the only conversation.

[Artie Lange]

$4,000.

[Adam Carolla]

Charming.

[Allison Rosen]

I couldn't get the socks off.

[Adam Carolla]

So wait, so you just approach them on your own? You don't have someone procure them for you?

[Allison Rosen]

No, in Vegas they bring them. They'll bring Them to you, like, you know, that say to a guy, get me a hooker. Or sometimes they ask, yeah, and they go, what kind? And I go, I'll tell them what I can spend. It's. I mean, it really. It's a dark side of the world, but it exists. And that's for drugs. I mean, Vegas is like. It's still. You know, there's merry go rounds there now, but it's still for adults. I don't care what anybody says.

[Adam Carolla]

Is the sex with a $10,000 hooker different in quality than with the cheaper hooker, or is it just that she's more attractive?

[Allison Rosen]

It's just that she's more attractive. It can. That's the other thing some guys say, well, you know, the $200 one's better because they're really passionate. But I think that's only true if you want to get a blow job. If you just want a blow job, you want a very passionate blow job. But for intercourse, I'd rather have the 10,000.

[Artie Lange]

Oh, I'm still writing passionate. I'll just write BJ Adam.

[Dawson]

Adam's got a whole flowchart going.

[Artie Lange]

Excuse me.

[Dawson]

Blowchart.

[Artie Lange]

That was my favorite. The only thing I ever enjoyed about hookers on the point was Hookers on the point.

[Allison Rosen]

What is that?

[Artie Lange]

That's a reality.

[Dawson]

That's what it was called. It was an hbo, and it was a hidden point.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, the point.

[Dawson]

It was in Newark.

[Artie Lange]

They go into Newark. Newark. There's two things that drove me nuts about that show but I loved is the guy would pull up in a, you know, 87 Pathfinder with a primered left front fender and a no fat chicks license plate frame. But they would tile out the license number. But they do hear the guy's voice talking as if his wife couldn't tell who, like my wife wouldn't know. It was me in the Pathfinder with the primered fender, asking for the shit she won't give me at home. But there's this great part where you be the whore.

[Adam Carolla]

All right?

[Artie Lange]

It'll be more offensive. You try to sound black, and I just go like. And I'll sound black, too. But it's funny because every episode would start with this. Oh, oh, $20 is, by the way, what you'll answer. How much for a blowjob job?

[Adam Carolla]

$20.

[Artie Lange]

Girl, you got to do better than that. It's like, I give that guy. The guy drives me to the airport in the town car who's pre tipped. I still give him $20, and I only ask for a hand Job I'll do.

[Allison Rosen]

I'll tell you one better. I was in LA county jail for a week for possession of Coke in 96. And because I was on MAD TV, I got my own cell, which by the way, was a discussion if I was a celebrity or not. Took like an hour. So they give me my own cell. And the guy next to me, the black guy, was in there for nine years awaiting trial for murder. And he taught me that thing with.

[Artie Lange]

He.

[Allison Rosen]

He goes, hey, man. He goes, he goes, you jerk off yet? And I was like, no. And he goes, he goes, I'm gonna teach you something. And he taught me that thing with a roll of toilet paper. He said, take the toilet paper.

[Artie Lange]

Hold on, I gotta get my pen again.

[Allison Rosen]

He said, get the toilet paper. He goes, take the. Take the. The cardboard out. He goes, and dip it in your sink and make it moist. He goes, you fuck that for like a couple of days. You would never go back to. To a.

[Artie Lange]

Ever.

[Allison Rosen]

I told that guy, spent five years on hook and watch, goes, what the. He goes. He goes, I should kill you right now. He goes, he goes, you a moist toilet paper man. He goes, I'm telling you, you will never go back to a. It don't say nothing. It don't cost nothing. They give you it here free. It's like you giving me free.

[Artie Lange]

They don't judge. I'll tell you that right now. Why the.

[Allison Rosen]

And by the way, I was just in the bathroom before. So if you don't see something.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. The book again is called Crash and Burn. It is out as we speak. So mom finds you. Mom and sister in the intervention. They see just a bunch of blood and probably freak out.

[Allison Rosen]

Nuts.

[Artie Lange]

And you then go to the hospital and then into rehab.

[Allison Rosen]

Four days in the hospital, but then right to a psych ward. When you do that to yourself, you have to go to a psych ward.

[Artie Lange]

It's a law.

[Allison Rosen]

But it's a 72 hour evaluation. But because of what I did, and I went to this hellhole, the first psych, What I went through was a hell. I mean, like, rats were around. I had a roommate. There was no celebrity bullshit there. I had a roommate.

[Artie Lange]

You got. Fuck a Kleenex box. You will never ever go back to a bitch when you're done fucking a Kleenex box.

[Allison Rosen]

It's a place where I wouldn't even fuck the Kleenex.

[Artie Lange]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

And yeah, so I was in this room in the psych ward and the doctor came in and said, listen, for what you did, I could keep you here for a year. And every three weeks, a judge would put you up for an evaluation and say, no. Yes. And when you do that to you. So all the judge sees has stabbed themselves nine times. They were the craziest motherfuckers I was in group therapy with who couldn't believe that, like, I was crazy to them, right? So they don't realize I sobered up. I wasn't on heroin, and I wouldn't do that, and I couldn't believe I did it.

[Artie Lange]

But.

[Allison Rosen]

But they could keep me there for a year. When I heard that, that's when I got a little celebrity. I called my lawyer out here and I said, get me the fuck out of here. I don't care what it costs. And I got out in three days. And I went to, like, a country club type place in Connecticut. I had to write a couple of checks, but it was worth it.

[Artie Lange]

How long were you in rehab?

[Allison Rosen]

A month in the nut house. And then when I eventually agreed to go to rehab.

[Artie Lange]

Hold on. I don't want to correct you. I think it's called a crazy farm.

[Allison Rosen]

We prefer loony bed. And I. When I eventually went to a rehab that I stayed at, I stayed for three months in. Outside of Miami.

[Artie Lange]

How long did you not work for?

[Allison Rosen]

A year and eight months.

[Artie Lange]

And how. You know, with the hookers and the gambling and everything. I guess you didn't have a huge nest egg.

[Allison Rosen]

I just. Well, not actually. The lucky thing was, yeah, all that work, I had a nest egg. You had money, and I had royalties coming in from the book. After I did that, the book, like, shot through the roof, and the royalties were like. I remember two weeks after I got out of rehab, I got a check for 126 grand from a book. And I'm like, wow, right?

[Artie Lange]

And too fat to fish.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Right. And I. And then royalties from TV shows I had done and other stuff, and so I had an income. And, yeah, I didn't lose any money for the year. In eight months. I mean, you know, we're lucky to be in a business like that.

[Artie Lange]

Did you. Did you freak? I'm not sure if I'm in that business. Did you freak out about sort of, you know. Well, I guess let's put it to you this way. You're talented, you're funny, and what you have is a commodity, which is a sense of humor.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Artie Lange]

And it's not one of these things where like. Well, no, but if you're cute, blonde, you have a window, and that window is whatever. But eventually you're Gonna get to the other side of 40, and the phone's gonna stop ringing. And then there's a lot of guys that are sort of hot, hip, and now and whatever, mtv, whatever. But there's that another window. Another window. Artie Lange is a truly funny guy who can write, who can do standup, who can perform, who can act. So you know that the window's more of a sliding door, and you can always get your fat ass through it. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you're right. When I came back, I had two hours of material from the places I was at, which is going to be a special that I'm doing, my second Comedy Central special. Probably be about this hour I've been touring with for the last two years. It's all about that experience. And I came out, and when I felt better, I called my agent and I said, can you book me? Because, dude, people call me every day. What, are you kidding me? And I went right back into making a boatload of money on the road. And then DirecTV called, and before I knew it, I was working more than I ever did in my life.

[Artie Lange]

By the way, I'm remiss for not bringing that up. DirecTV, channel 239 out here. I feel like, wait a second.

[Allison Rosen]

They have a network called the Audience Network, Right? That's what it's on.

[Artie Lange]

I see your show all the time. The thing that was scary is I did the show just a couple of months ago when we were all out in New York, and did it with Richie, former fullback, the Raiders and Eagles.

[Allison Rosen]

Raiders and Eagles.

[Artie Lange]

I freaked Richie out because I was like, remember the man show bit we did in 2001? He's like, nope. I said, that was weird. You worked with me the whole time. I thought you were the equipment manager. I wore your. Your helmet. You threw the ball to me and stuff like that. He's like, I have no recollection of that. And then he went on. Then again, I've been hitting the head a lot.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. John tells me stories that. I mean, like, he's a very alert, witty guy. I love John, but sometimes he doesn't forget and remember stuff. And I go, wow, you should get in on this lawsuit. I think he is.

[Artie Lange]

Oh, yeah.

[Dawson]

He was a fullback, right. He has a fullback player on the offensive side of the ball. Not too many more players. Players getting that kind of head concussion.

[Allison Rosen]

And he was a blocker. He was a worker. He blocked for guys, fullbacks.

[Artie Lange]

It's an insane thing because they're in the backfield and it'll be game number 14. And they'll hand the ball off to him and they'll go, well, that's his second carry of the year. It's like second carry of the year. He started every game in the backfield.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what he was great at, especially when you got with McNabb at, at Philly was screen passes, the option. And he caught one year, he caught a lot of passes.

[Artie Lange]

So really nice guy. And I don't know if he's the permanent co host on the show, but the last several times I've seen the show and when I've been on the show and then I'm back in LA watching the show, he's. He's in there. He is great guy.

[Allison Rosen]

He's. He's a funny guy, a good guy and he's got, he gives a street cred. He's been in two Super Bowls, you know.

[Artie Lange]

Oh, that's right. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Both of which I lost money on.

[Artie Lange]

Well, you won't lose money on. Go to me. GoToMeeting. That's why I get the big bucks. GoToMeeting. With HD faces brought to you by Citrix, you can start hosting meetings in seconds from your computer or your mobile device, like your phone or tablet or whatever you got. Sign up and you can get 30 days free. That's right. No credit card required. Visit GoToMeeting.com, click on the try it free button. Use the promo code. Adam. They got a little contest coming up. You can win 300 bucks worth of Apple gift card. Just tweet us a picture of where you'd host your ideal go to meeting. And to be eligible, use the hashtag winace and include GoToMeeting ends November 17th. The winner is going to be announced on the show November 26th. Dawson. Apple is a registered trademark of Apple Inc. Apple is not a participant or sponsor of this promotion.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, Apple staying clear of that.

[Artie Lange]

Let's see, we got some phone calls here. We got some news. All that good stuff. Artie's website, artilangshow.com It's a really fun show to do. Just a bunch of screwballs up in sort of. I don't know what. Are you in the fudge packing district over there?

[Allison Rosen]

The former fudge packing district.

[Artie Lange]

Right. It's sweet. A nice Chinese joint across the street.

[Allison Rosen]

It's gorgeous. Right in the middle of Soho, corner of Arakin King and, you know, they built me like a 7,000 square foot man cave type thing. There's a stage for bands, a gourmet kitchen, a batting cage.

[Artie Lange]

And yeah, it's really a great gig. And by the way, that's another gig. I don't want to send you off spinning off of rehab, but that's another gig that I talked to them about doing. Motherfucker. Once upon a time.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I would have said that they are. DirecTV is great because they're like one of the last few sort of man type things to do.

[Artie Lange]

It's not the Bravo network.

[Allison Rosen]

Dan Patrick's there. It's. And they. They want guys like us doing their. The great thing about them is they hired me and they don't try to, you know, make me something different. Like, they know it's me and they. What I do.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

What else am I going to do?

[Artie Lange]

Nothing.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Artie Lange]

And they can't. All right, should we take a phone call or two and then we'll hop to the news. Let's see. Line four. Alec. Yes. 27, calling from New York. Yeah, I. You may recall this. I'm gay. Remember that? Yes, I do. That was me. Thank you. That's. Nary a day goes by without me recalling that. Finally. Alec, you are a despicable mess, and I love you for it. I am badass.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. Thank you, sir. He sound like all my Twitter followers. That's what I get.

[Artie Lange]

Question, Alec. Yes, the question. Don't you find it odd that Dr. Drew accuses you of being autistic when he displays many of the symptoms himself?

[Allison Rosen]

He does. He accuses you of that.

[Artie Lange]

He. Well, he does this thing. There's this. I don't. There's a weird thing where Dr. Drew gets together with my wife and tries to convince me that I have some affliction.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Artie Lange]

Which is a weird way to go. I mean, I'm not sure. It's kind of like when my kids tell me to stop talking and shut up. I go, you want me to shut up to take away the car, take away the house, take away the vacation.

[Allison Rosen]

That's true. If they get rid of that. Are you afraid you might not be funny or something? The affliction might be good.

[Artie Lange]

I don't know. But right now I'm just a goose that shits golden eggs, and you should just stand back, collect them, and thank me for it instead of convince me. But what if I. What if I just listened to you two, got up in my head and went, jesus Christ, I got to check myself into a clinic full time. Let someone else take over the podcast for a few months and cancel the contractor show. I don't know what it is. It's a weird There's a perverse pleasure. Every once in a while, my wife will do this and she'll go, oh, look at you. You think you're stupid, too. You think you're smart? You're stupid. And I'll go, you married me. Who's the stupid one?

[Allison Rosen]

Exactly.

[Artie Lange]

Why convince yourself that I'm dumb? That makes you dumb for fucking marrying me. Right? Sense, Drew. Ever since we did this whole spectrum thing where. Well, autism includes, you know, it can. It can range from, you know, violent physical outbursts and attacks on authority to just getting out of bed in the morning. You know what I mean? You do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Am I on the spectrum?

[Artie Lange]

Well, it's a spectrum disorder. So you're on the spec. Like, we're all on the fucking spectrum because we're live.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what bipolar is. Like every time people say, well, you might be bipolar, we're gonna give you, like, lithium. And I said, whoa, well, what is bipolar? So are you in bad mood? Sometimes? I'm like, yeah, and sometimes you're not in a bad mood. I go, yeah, well, what are you talking about? They gave me lithium for a little while, but I was like, this is ridiculous.

[Artie Lange]

No, I. Look, the whole point in life is some days you're not in a good mood, some days you're tired, sometimes you sleep deprived, sometimes you laugh, sometimes you cry.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Artie Lange]

You don't need to be. You don't need to need to be evened out. Right. That's not a fun road to travel down.

[Allison Rosen]

It's human and real autistic kids, when you see them, it's. It's almost an insult to them to call yourself autistic. Because I've seen autistic kids. They're really suffering. Like, you know, it's a real thing. You can tell just by looking at them. And the parents are always tired and you feel bad.

[Artie Lange]

And most of them don't have 90 minute sets. They're more the 45 to 60 minute range.

[Dawson]

Middling for people.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, they might. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Magicians. Oh, is Alex still on the fucking phone or did I get rid of him? Speaking of autistic, where was I? Line one. All right, let's talk to John from Mississippi 38. John? Yeah. What's going on, my friend? Get it on, man. Yeah. I'm a newspaper publisher and I got a guy that works for me that is my sports editor, and he has major league trouble. When, let's say, a football coach or whatever has anything negative to say about him, he has a complete come apart. And I take two days to get him back into any sort of shape to do work. What is a. What would a half page ad in your newspaper on a weekday set me back? Right now, It'd be about 800. You got that for me? 800 bucks? How many eyeballs would I get for 800 bucks? You get about 15,000. I got to think about that. I got to tell you, you know what pissed me off? Remember, I should show. We should bring. We should bring in my Variety, or is it Hollywood Report or whatever it is.

[Dawson]

But congratulations, Kimmel.

[Artie Lange]

They contact you? Yeah, they go, kimmel's got a star in the Hollywood Walk of Fame. So you want to buy a page? Everyone's buying. You know, all the friends are buying a page. And you're like, yeah. What's a page cost? Like 800, 900. It's $10,000.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my God.

[Artie Lange]

And I'm like, all right, well, I'll do. Had I known, I would have gone out whore shopping. But, hey, we got a website, too. You can get on there for three or four hundred bucks a month. I thought it'd be funny to find a picture of me and him and then crop him out of the picture.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow, look at how young you guys are. That's hilarious.

[Artie Lange]

Dud.

[Allison Rosen]

I thought that was George Clooney, then.

[Artie Lange]

Basically talk. Thank you. Talk myself up for all the verbiage at the bottom of the thing. But the thing that really pissed me off about this picture and about buying the full page is James Baby Doll Dixon, my agent. I said to him, I said, I don't know. I don't know how things work, you know? And I said, yeah, I bought a full page. It was $10,000. I bought a full page, too. It was 8,000. 8,000. Why is it 10,000 for me? Oh, baby, you don't give them 10. You give them eight. I started at 6,500. I'm like, by the way, we had a fucking Turkish bazaar. This is a goddamn Hollywood newspaper. How does this work? He said, baby, you don't pay him 10. No, everything's negotiable. He should go whoring with you. You can get these $8,000 whores instead of $10,000 whoring.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm with you. This idea that everything's negotiable, that you can walk into a department like, oh, you gave them full. The full cost for the coat. But I don't understand how you begin the haggling process.

[Artie Lange]

I don't. I don't either. Although there seems to be plenty of room in These things, as I've learned from watching late night infomercials about wonder mops and such and sex on the point.

[Dawson]

We're just on the hookers on the point.

[Artie Lange]

Just when they. You're about ready to squeeze the trigger on the wonder mop, they throw in a second one free. And then you think, whoa, there's a lot of wiggle room here.

[Allison Rosen]

You gotta stick around. Yeah, you gotta just hang out. You gotta have patience and the ability to not be embarrassed by haggling.

[Artie Lange]

But I feel like there's gonna be one time, and I've never done it my life, where someone goes, it's $10,000 for a full page. And I go, would you take 8,500? And they go, no, what are you implying?

[Adam Carolla]

Then they hang up on you.

[Artie Lange]

Yes. Like, I'm just scared.

[Dawson]

The item cost $10,000.

[Artie Lange]

Also, though, can you bribe cops today? Because I don't feel like you can bribe cops anymore. Maybe the dashboard cam is. Fuck that for all of us.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm sitting here, aren't I?

[Artie Lange]

You have. That's a New York thing in la, you can't do it. I don't think you can bribe cops.

[Adam Carolla]

Why don't you be shy?

[Allison Rosen]

You can get a longer sentence for whatever you're bribing them to get out of.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, there was a time when you could just hand them your license with a 20 or 50 folded up with it, and what that was that for? Whatever it was.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Artie Lange]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Artie Lange]

All right, where the hell were we? Oh, employee pussy. I don't know. You know, we're living in a time when people. Well, it's a weird time we're living in because we're crazed narcissists and there's tons of information at our fingertips. Meaning we've never been more in love with ourselves. Definitely. But there's never been more opportunity for people to call us douchebags on the Internet.

[Allison Rosen]

Right? Everyone is just judged. And the people judging you are just everybody. Yeah, the. The pool is everyone. And yeah, it. It makes you hesitate sometimes before you do something. But then you're right, your ego takes over and you go, fuck it, I'll do this publicly. And then, you know, take a risk on getting called an asshole.

[Artie Lange]

Hey, John. Yeah. So this guy doesn't want to talk shit about the local Mississippian football team because, yeah, it's. Every now and then like a kid gets on suspension or whatever from a game. He doesn't want to get the name in the paper. He's afraid of what's going to Happen.

[Allison Rosen]

You want to toughen him up, Lock him in a room with. Lock him in a room with a bottle of whiskey and Richie Incognito from the Dolphins.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. Somebody wants to know my favorite porn star. I think Alex, 20. I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to go. Christy Canyon, because she's a local. And I tried to date her when I was like in high school.

[Allison Rosen]

Really?

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. She had enough dignity to stand me up. But, you know, six months later she's sucking off Ron Jeremy. But she literally, you gotta picture, you know, 18 year old Christy Canyon.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah, I am right now.

[Artie Lange]

Her sister asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

[Allison Rosen]

Who was that? Edie Canyon?

[Artie Lange]

Cheryl Valli, actually.

[Allison Rosen]

She asked me form of a Canyon. What a name.

[Artie Lange]

She asked me to say the Hawkins. And her sister was cute and she asked me to say, but, you know, Chrissy Canyon, you know, at 18 was like, va va voom. Absolutely. You know, you know in cartoons when guys run and you literally hear the sound of them, Just that sound of them peeling out like the Flintstones. Yeah, right. When, when, when Fred would start running with his car, when he'd get going. His car.

[Allison Rosen]

Very nice.

[Artie Lange]

The day we found out she was. She had done her first porn movie because all she was was the sort of hot D cup chick who was floating around the valley who I couldn't get a date with. I got home from work doing construction one day and someone was like, oh, you know. Yeah, wow. Missy.

[Allison Rosen]

Missy, yeah.

[Artie Lange]

Missy's done a porn. Missy's done a porn. And then you heard this sound as we all like yelled, you know, to the spank mobile. And we all fucking ran out to my truck and found this like Korean video store that was on, you know, Vineland in Lankershim or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that her high school portrait?

[Artie Lange]

We were looking, yes.

[Dawson]

Where's your new release section for porn?

[Artie Lange]

It was called. Speaking of new releases. Sorry about that. You got any Febreze Pops?

[Allison Rosen]

So Alex, like that.

[Artie Lange]

I was like. It was called on Golden Blonde, you know, and it was like we had to get the name right. It was. There was no, you know, there's no Internet or anything. So we. It was all sort of. Were you sure what it's called? And then you're speaking to the Laotian guy behind the counter. It's all Golden Blonde starring Henry Fondle.

[Allison Rosen]

The only thing I have like that compares to that is a girl that I went to high school with we found out was stripping at a local play when we were like 21 and like 18 of us went, oh, yeah. And she was like, you know, sort of that.

[Artie Lange]

They had that scene in Varsity Blues, by the way, except for it was the teacher.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, this was a girl that was sort of low key. And we found that she was stripping. And my God, I went back, I finished. Never. I've never been more passionate about being with myself or, or, or, or.

[Artie Lange]

Toilet paper roll.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Artie Lange]

If only had known the wisdom that Lucious imparted back in those tender years. Should we do a little news? Allison Rosen already Lang hang out. Crack wise. Just like Stern. Yeah.

[E]

She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Allison Rosen]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Artie Lange]

And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it.

[Allison Rosen]

Cut it.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison.

[Artie Lange]

Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so as we are recording this, it is Election Tuesday, and it looks as if Bill de Blasio will be New York's mayor, and Chris Christie has gotten another four years as governor of New Jersey. Artie, how do you feel about these people?

[Allison Rosen]

I'm from Jersey and I'm actually Chris Christie, stand in. So that's fine. That's good news for me. I had to make a speech at some time. I love Christie. I do. I'm not a political guy. I don't care. You know, maybe I'm right wing, maybe I'm not. I don't know. I just like Chris Christie. I think he's a good guy. So that's why I vote.

[Artie Lange]

I like him for a few reasons. He's a fat guy, wears his pants super high.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Artie Lange]

Back in the day, fat guys would wear their pants over their fat and suck in their belt a little bit. Now fat guys wear their pants low and let the belly hang on. He still wears the pants. And even though he's the governor of New Jersey, he's walking down the boardwalk, someone gives him some shit, and he wants to fight him over some soft swirl ice cream.

[Allison Rosen]

He's fantastic. Fantastic. He's a guy's guy and I love him. And again, I voted for Obama just because I like Obama. I just seems like an alright guy to hang out with. So I love that Christie's there. He's a Jersey guy. But the best is de Blasio as a comic because he has that kid who looks like Dwayne from what's Happening. I mean, he loaded him out everywhere he could for the election. Like, look, I've had sex with. With a black woman. Like, that's what he's saying. Like, look, I'm. I'm a Nice guy. And that kid's afro is so enormous. And as a comic, especially being in New York, I love that.

[Artie Lange]

So I'm happy with Christie really has to stay away from the photo ops. Oh, my God. But we'll get into this. But you got us. The photo ops with Obama just look like the number 10 when Obama stands to his right.

[Adam Carolla]

Binary code.

[Artie Lange]

You've never looked fatter in your fucking life. Is there dirigible that you could take a picture with?

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ, he had lap band surgery.

[Artie Lange]

I know, but those shots with Obama. Obama's the skinniest politician of all.

[Allison Rosen]

He's in the best shape ever.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. And he just looks huge next to him. He has to find another husky dude to stand next to.

[Allison Rosen]

Stand next to Charles Woodson. There's the kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So this is Bill de Blasio. He's the first Democratic mayor in 20 years in New York.

[Artie Lange]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

There's another first of all about him, but it's obvious.

[Artie Lange]

I don't even know he's the first Democratic mayor.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Artie Lange]

Didn't even know that a minute.

[Allison Rosen]

In 20 years. Yeah, because.

[Artie Lange]

Right, right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Artie Lange]

They all seem very progressive to me. That's why I'm never sure if they're Republican or Democrat.

[Adam Carolla]

People there don't feel like Bloomberg is that progressive.

[Allison Rosen]

Bloomberg was getting nuts, man. I mean, before you knew it, it was like he was just everything.

[Artie Lange]

All you heard about was like soda tax on. And it sounds. Sounded very non Republican.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, but he was. I mean, he wasn't a true Republican. That guy just went his own way and he had his own cash, you know?

[Artie Lange]

So defazio's kid over here, Laverne.

[Allison Rosen]

Look at that. That's amazing.

[Artie Lange]

How many pencils do you reckon he could hold in his hair? Over under. Like if someone just put a fucking gun to your head and said, look, how many pencils can this guy's fro tolerate? Like if you just slid the them in.

[Adam Carolla]

200.

[Artie Lange]

200.

[Allison Rosen]

More than that.

[Artie Lange]

You think more.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going with 680.

[Artie Lange]

See, this is where I go 681 because I know how the game is played.

[Allison Rosen]

He looks like Pam Greer, 1974.

[Dawson]

I go under you.

[Artie Lange]

I go one that is a crazed. I feel like he could ride a motorcycle in any municipality that had helmet law and just get a pass.

[Allison Rosen]

But, you know, it just seems to me like before he ran, like he said, and go, listen, son, are you willing to grow out the Africa? Do you want to be the mayor's kid?

[Artie Lange]

Pick it out.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. Wow. That is a crazy fro.

[Allison Rosen]

So as a comic, I love that. And of course, I'm a Chris Christie guy, so I'm for both of those. But I really hope that Toronto Mayor gets reelected. That guy's the funniest ever.

[Adam Carolla]

Mayor Rob Ford, he apologized for smoking crack. He admitted to it. Remember, we talked about this a while ago because there were rumors that this video existed and it does exist. But in his apology, he said that he will not step down and he will run for reelection. He said, I was elected to do a job and that is exactly what I'm going to continue doing.

[Artie Lange]

I'm looking at Pam Grier. She looks to me to be 185, 190pencils. Max. Max.

[Allison Rosen]

It's the same exact hair, though, right?

[Artie Lange]

Now, if you show me a picture of Billy White Shoes Johnson, Jack Tatum and Jack Tatum, circa 1978, I'll show you some froze that can hold a pencil.

[Allison Rosen]

There's a great shot of Jack Tatum. He's holding his helmet in like 78 or something on the sidelines. And he's got. If you can find that and put it next to de Blasio's kid, that might make me fall off my chair.

[Artie Lange]

I'm still going Billy White Shoes Johnson in the pencil holding pantheon.

[Adam Carolla]

And he said, yes, I have. Sorry, going back to Rob Ford or should I win?

[Artie Lange]

Well, look, here's the way all this stuff works. Works when stuff gets really super specific, like where somebody goes, look, this guy, he took a picture of his scrotum sack with a. What he did is he stretched over. Yeah. Took a current newspaper with the date on it. Then he took a scrotum and he put it over a flashlight so I could see the light. And the guy goes, I have no idea what she's speaking of. I have never. You go, really? Because it's tough to create this stuff out of whole cloth.

[Allison Rosen]

It's just like. Just shut up. I mean, and it's a. We're such a forgiving.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. Discussion.

[Allison Rosen]

Go at it. Head forward and go, yeah. What do you want to tell you?

[Adam Carolla]

He said he did it probably in one of his drunken stupors. And then he said, yes, I have smoked crack cocaine, but do I. Am I an addict? No. So, see, here's the thing. At first I was like, well, this is awful. And then the more I thought about it, I thought, there's a lot more awful things someone could do. When you think about it still. Well, it still sounds right, but it still sounds very shocking.

[Artie Lange]

Well, crack is also weird, too. Because when a white guy does it, it kind of fucks he's a white guy.

[Allison Rosen]

That does sound racist to say, but yeah, when a white guy does it, it seems kind of worse in a way. Like a worse problem. Yeah.

[Artie Lange]

There's certain things that. There's certain crimes that we associate with certain groups, and when they cross over into the other group, it confuses us a little.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, serial killer's a white guy.

[Artie Lange]

Right. It's a white guy movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Shooting up people is white.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. That's why when the DC Sniper was a black guy, you're like, wow, that's ridiculous. Yeah, I'd vote him innocent.

[Artie Lange]

I remember I was sitting in on Stern when they were doing that whole D.C. sniper thing. And Robin said, what do parents tell their children? They're horrified. They leave the house and there's nothing they can do about it. What should a parent tell their child? And I said, tell him he only shoots the kids that don't clean their rooms. That way they get a clean room, the kid gets peace of mind, and they get to get on with their life. And statistically, he's not going to get shot by the DC Sniper anyway.

[Allison Rosen]

And you've turned a negative into a positive.

[Artie Lange]

That's right. Now find me a picture of Billy White Shoes Johnson with a real afro.

[Allison Rosen]

Made one of the greatest Hail Mary catches ever. Billy White Shoes Johnson.

[Artie Lange]

That's right. Played for Houston. Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Falcons, maybe. Houston.

[Artie Lange]

Houston. Too late.

[Allison Rosen]

A Falcon zone.

[Artie Lange]

Well, yes. Go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

Speaking of sports, there's a sports story. The Kansas City Royals Mascot, slugger with two GS and three Rs threw a baseball, tinfoil wrap baseball, into the stands and it hit this guy in the eye. And he had to have two surgeries. One to repair a detached retina and the other to remove a cataract that developed and developed and implant an artificial. Yeah, and they had to implant an artificial lens. So the question is, does the baseball rule which protects the. Like. Well, you. I'm sorry, you know what that is? If the fan gets hit by a baseball, then the team is protected. Should that apply when it's a mascot throwing a hot dog?

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Artie Lange]

Oh, it was a hot dog. It wasn't a baseball.

[Adam Carolla]

Foil wrapped hot dog.

[Artie Lange]

Foil wrapped hot dog.

[Allison Rosen]

It shouldn't apply.

[Artie Lange]

It shouldn't.

[Allison Rosen]

The team should be liable. Plus, he's misspelling the word slugger for kids. They can't just spell slugger. Right. He's. He's got to have something.

[Artie Lange]

But the stigma of the guy with the explanation, you know, he's Got to show up to work on Monday with the detached retina. Mascot threw a hot dog. Bob, you're a sucking cock. Let's just. Things go south. We've all been there. Do you need cash? Honest to God, a hot dog hit me in the eye. I was at the Royals game. I was five. Do you want cash? Bob, this is a judgment free zone.

[Allison Rosen]

No one goes to Royal.

[Artie Lange]

No one goes. And they certainly don't get hit by hot dogs that get detached retina. Now, if you're sucking some cock in that Pathfinder with the primered fender, if you need cash, you reach out to me. I have a brother who's bisexual. I don't judge.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Artie Lange]

By the way, can I get my suck smaller cocks?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, he must have taken it right in the eye to have to have two surgeries from getting hit in the eye on a hot dog.

[Allison Rosen]

Another one proves Adam's point again. Another one? Yeah, it really. Like, how many. How much damage can a hot dog thrown do? Really? It's that noticeable?

[Adam Carolla]

Detached retina. And detached retina would have thrown a hot dog.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a bullshit story.

[Artie Lange]

Okay, well, look, the point is, this shit happens. And there's this thing in life where people go, all right, you find the Billy White Shoes Johnson Frau. There's the thing in life or in the table. They're the people who get rear ended at two miles an hour. There's no damage done to the car, but yet they need to walk with a crutch for the next year, and they go, I had to have a spinal fusion and blah, blah, blah. To me, that means you're defective.

[Allison Rosen]

Sure.

[Artie Lange]

So if you can be taken down by a hot dog, something's wrong with.

[Adam Carolla]

You behind the back.

[Artie Lange]

We cannot be responsible for that. And also, I would call that force machine your. That's an act of God.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I know, but either that or they're just complete bullshitters about everything. You know, that happens, too.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, there are guys who will do unnecessary surgeries to make money, I suppose. But look, either way, whatever happened to shit happens? You know what I mean? Like, you could go to a ball.

[Allison Rosen]

Game, everyone wants to sue somebody.

[Artie Lange]

Some guy could chuck a bottle and you could get hit and that would be your story. How'd you get the 11 stitches in the back of your head? I was at the Mets game, and some asshole chucked a Pepsi bottle from the upper deck.

[Adam Carolla]

I would be mad if that happened.

[Artie Lange]

But I feel like I've had a hundred of those things happen in my life, and all I Thought was. Oh, fuck. What are you gonna do?

[Allison Rosen]

How sleazy of a lawyer do you have to be of an ambulance chaser to hear commercials like, have you been hit with a hot dog at a Royals game? Then call Ed Schleister and associates.

[Artie Lange]

Do you have miner's lung? Do you have wiener's eye dress?

[Allison Rosen]

Has slugger hit you with a hot dog?

[Artie Lange]

But we all know. Yeah, foul ball. That one's on you, right? Yeah. I'll tell you what else is on you. DraftKings, baby. My listeners are winning some serious dough with. Don't do this, Artie. DraftKings.

[Allison Rosen]

It's one of my sponsors, too. I love these.

[Artie Lange]

Let's do it. DraftKings. America's favorite one week fantasy football league. And you can win instant cash every week. Brian, how you doing? Good.

[Dawson]

Artie, do you play? It's a lot of fun.

[Allison Rosen]

I can't gamble either.

[Dawson]

Well, it's not gambling.

[Adam Carolla]

You're in luck.

[Artie Lange]

Well, not when you know what you're doing.

[Allison Rosen]

It might.

[Artie Lange]

It's.

[Allison Rosen]

It might lead to something.

[Artie Lange]

Trigger. Trigger an avalanche.

[Allison Rosen]

There's some stuff known as triggers.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, sure.

[Dawson]

Well, for the rest of us, it's a good time.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, absolutely. You know, if you're a loser like me, stay away. But if you're a winner, I play.

[Artie Lange]

DraftKings DraftKings.com Dawson Right now, Adam Carolla listeners get up to $600 free. Use promo code ADAM. And for every $2 deposit, DraftKings will match it up to 600 bucks. That's 600 bucks, totally free. Enter Adam [e-mail] DraftKings.com I gotta get a Dawson.

[Allison Rosen]

I read that part.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. It's no fun.

[Dawson]

Everyone needs a Dawson.

[Allison Rosen]

That's great. That's the coolest thing I've ever seen. Dawson.

[Artie Lange]

What else you got? Alison?

[Allison Rosen]

That's like when Sinatra would go to the band. Shoot.

[Adam Carolla]

Katy Perry has surpassed Justin Bieber as the most popular person on Twitter.

[Artie Lange]

Doesn't. Do you guys agree with that? She looks like she's thinking about something stupid.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Artie Lange]

Yes. And right now we're looking at a picture of her trying to look like a person that's not thinking about something stupid but not accomplishing it.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, how does the thinking about something stupid impact hotness?

[Allison Rosen]

46 million followers. I mean, most of them are eight. Right? Years old, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. She has 46.47. 46.47 million followers. No, sorry. She has 46.48 million followers. And then Bieber has 46.47.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, my gracious.

[Artie Lange]

She's an inspiration to all girls who look like they're not thinking about anything.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah. Take that Russell Brand.

[Artie Lange]

I love, by the way. I love when they do this. Like, she's one of these things where it's like, you got to take your power. You're sexy no matter who you are. It doesn't matter what shape you're in. We're all sexy. Really? Why are your tits in everyone's face then if they. If that's it. Like, if you are literally doing everything you can do to be sexy. You're shooting whipped cream from your areolas in slow motion on Snoop Dogg. Billy White Shoes Johnson, slightly. I'm looking to him at the. On the far right. I'm looking for a bigger pro, but a decent, decent. Decent enough. I'd give him 118, 120pencils.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he's lower.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. Let's see. Jack.

[Adam Carolla]

Golf pencils, though.

[Allison Rosen]

Nowhere near de Blasio or Pam Greer, right?

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, yeah, he's a golf pencil guy. I feel like, for a Jew fro move, start off with. With a golf pencil.

[Allison Rosen]

He's nowhere near a young David Cross.

[Artie Lange]

Let's see. Let's see Tatum. Because you're right. I think Tatum has a better one.

[Allison Rosen]

If they found him. There's a one shot where it's extraordinary like.

[Artie Lange]

Like that's him on the far right. Good on the side.

[Allison Rosen]

Not as good as I thought too, but.

[Artie Lange]

But the helmet has interrupted it down.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, okay.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, that's the helmet as fuck.

[Allison Rosen]

That helmet off. That guy was my favorite. He was just.

[Artie Lange]

There's a holds barred. There's an NFL Films thing where a guy. And I think it's Billy White Shoes Johnson. It's a Follies. It's a football Follies where he pulls off his Houston Oilers helmet and it goes. And his throat pops out from it. He's wearing glasses and he's playing for Houston. And I think that's Billy White Shoes Johnson. But now you have to scour the NFL Films archives. But now this is the bloopers.

[Dawson]

They used to be big into the sound effects in the cinema.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, it was a big fucking deal.

[Dawson]

It was like guys getting pretty much concussed, like boinks.

[Allison Rosen]

Those shows are great.

[Dawson]

Very silly.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah. Probably would have been a mid, late late 70s bloopers. NFL bloopers, which was a big deal. I'm sorry, what are we talking about? Oh, Katy Perry.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Can we go back to the. Looking like she's thinking a dumb thought.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you said that Thing like she says, everyone can be sexy. That's like that bullshit thing when Derek Jeter says, put your mind to it. You can pray for the Yankees. It's such bullshit.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that you talk about that in your book. The whole you're against anyone trying anything.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I mean, you know, again, the great Charles Bukowski has two words on his tombstone. Don't try. And, you know, I mean, some people should not try. You should stop. You know, you just get. Give it up.

[Artie Lange]

But what I'm saying is you're fucking hypocrite if you're saying all women are beautiful no matter what shape you're in. No matter what it is. When you're just jiggling around your D cups in the tightest outfit you can find and shooting whipped cream out of your teeth.

[Adam Carolla]

Back to my question. Looking like you're thinking a stupid thought. How does that impact hotness? Because for some guys, doesn't that actually make a woman hotter?

[Allison Rosen]

I've paid chicks to get that look. See, you don't look dumb enough.

[Artie Lange]

Artie does the thing you. 10,000 bucks. You're thinking about chess, bitch. I want you to think about checkers.

[Dawson]

You're wearing contacts.

[Artie Lange]

Tell your black friend to think about Domino's and bring her over here.

[Allison Rosen]

Chess to checkers. Right now.

[Artie Lange]

That's right. Let's go. What's it gonna cost?

[Allison Rosen]

I want you to go from Steve Perry to Katy Perry.

[Artie Lange]

I think you look like what you're thinking. I think angry people. We all know angry. Especially by the time you get to your 60s. Like, angry people. Look, the women who haven't had sex in 20 years have that look on their face. Racist look. They look fucking racist. But it's not even just mad. It's a kind of like they look like racist. Dumb people look dumb.

[Allison Rosen]

There's not one skin that looks like he's thinking about, like, flowers or something. No, they're mad at something.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, yeah, they have a look. And it's not even just mad. Like, when I drive, I look mad, but not like a racist. I'm thinking racist thoughts.

[Allison Rosen]

But their head and their wife just look like they're thinking fucking Jews. I mean, just very mad.

[Artie Lange]

All right, where were we? Next story. One more.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, there is a Japanese burger place that has introduced something which they're calling the Liberation wrapper. And this is. It's the wrapper of the hamburger. And there's a picture of a woman's closed mouth on it. So that a woman can hold it up to her mouth and eat the burger behind the wrapper. Because in Japan, there's a trend known as ochobo, which is having a small and modest mouth. And it's gotten.

[Artie Lange]

I love that band.

[Adam Carolla]

It's gotten to the point where apparently it's considered rude for women to open their mouths wide in public.

[Artie Lange]

This is basically. Guys, many years ago, pioneered this with the glasses that look like you're awake when you're sleeping. That's essentially what this is.

[Allison Rosen]

Or the Japanese glasses.

[Artie Lange]

Katy Perry should get a napkin that looks like she's thinking. You know, she's got like a wrapper she can hang in front of her face. It'll look like she was thinking about something.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I know. Japanese chicks will use something like this for blow jobs.

[Artie Lange]

How much?

[Adam Carolla]

I actually kind of like this idea.

[Artie Lange]

I kind of like this one too. I don't know why.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, on the world of ideas list, it's pretty up there.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, it's pretty solid. Also, you get a little turned on if you get a little mayo or secret sauce by the side of the mouth there.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, it's somewhere in between, you know, pet rock and slavery.

[Adam Carolla]

And you could put the mayo on the front of the wrapper.

[Artie Lange]

Imagine if you're on the front of the. Imagine if the. The. The gentleman of leisure you met in the joint got hold of that rapper and was able to combine it with his toilet paper roll.

[Allison Rosen]

God damn.

[Artie Lange]

All right, let's bring it home.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it. Cons.

[Artie Lange]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Oh, I have faith in you, Gary. Football F. 77. 78.

[Dawson]

There's a lot here.

[Artie Lange]

There's a lot.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know if the problem is. Are you searching Billy White shoes? I'm not sure.

[Artie Lange]

It'd all be NFL films. It all. It all. Wait, what'd you just say?

[Allison Rosen]

Artie, I'm searching with Billy White. Choose Johnson because it might not be him. Is that the problem?

[Artie Lange]

I'm just watching the best of the following. It wouldn't even say name, but it would just have a dude removing his helmet with the big boy oyoing. I thought it throw.

[Allison Rosen]

After that, I think the guys on the Browns for some reason.

[Artie Lange]

Well, I already know sports.

[Allison Rosen]

I love those films.

[Artie Lange]

Yeah, I own them. All right now. I gotta know or as the worst case scenario, we'll have it for tomorrow show. Don't even. Don't even.

[Allison Rosen]

What am I waiting for?

[Artie Lange]

Two hours? Don't. Remember.

[Dawson]

You've admitted defeat.

[Artie Lange]

Remember. What do we like to say about here? Don't do your best, boss. Do my best. Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

Fucking. I'm on the Internet paying a kid in a Denny's parking lot in Milwaukee for Vicodin. You can't find a.

[Artie Lange]

All right. I'm going to buy you some time. Enzyte, baby. You want to give yourself a month's worth of free erections? Well, not me personally, but my friends at Enzyte going to help you out. It's how millions of men are dealing with erectile quality. That's right. Forget about the size, what about the quality of the erection?

[Allison Rosen]

This is where you need that boing thing more than ever.

[Artie Lange]

That's right. Supports the strongest, most powerful erections possible. Achieve peak sexual enhancement. One capsule a day for strong peak male enhancement. Dawson. Call now to score a special free 30 day trial of Enzyte. And receive a free sample of their popular prostate supplement. All you pay is shipping. That's a free 30 day trial of Enzyte. And a sample of their popular prostate supplement.

[Allison Rosen]

Free.

[Artie Lange]

Hurry. Call 1800-364968-01800-364-96802 or get a smiling bot. These statements have not been evaluated by.

[Allison Rosen]

The Food and Drug Administration.

[Artie Lange]

This product is not intended to diagnose, street or cure any disease.

[Allison Rosen]

Free trial requires vlife enrollment with future auto shipments.

[Artie Lange]

All right. Yeah. You see smoke coming out? Oh, that's weak. Artie Lang. Crash and Burn is the name of the book. It is my third title. I'm gonna get some post them and cuddle up in front of fire and devour this bad boy tonight.

[Allison Rosen]

Bottle of Mangria. There's no better night.

[Artie Lange]

Speaking of that, bevmo. Me and the Stone pelican, Katie Lang. Our own Mike August. He does look like Katie Lang, does he not, Mike?

[Allison Rosen]

Baby doll.

[Artie Lange]

Org. Yeah. Saturday night. Saturday, Manhattan Beach, BevMo, 5:00pm uh. Oh, we got it. Gary says we have it. Fucking Jews, he's got it. All right, let's see. Oh, he's got Katie Lang and. Yeah, also, by the way, he was the guy. If you want to know how litigious guys used to be or could be or should be in a real society, he's the guy got yokozunu'd by. Cousin Sal fell asleep on Kimmel's sofa. So cousin Sal dropped his pants and jumped on his head, yelled yokozuna. You know, because, you know, he. He has some dignity in the air. Mike, who was asleep on the sofa, had just enough time to raise his left wrist to block his face. Knowing he was getting the yokozuna and had his Rolex Submariner watch band driven into his front tooth. Breaking off his front tooth. Was never angry at Sal. Blamed himself for nodding off at Kimmel's in front of the football game. That's how guys work. You didn't have to stop us for that. I thought you had the fucking Billy Whitechuse Johnson thing. Uh, oh. Oh, and we have it. Let's see Cleveland. See what team?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, this is. This is the one.

[Artie Lange]

Oh, San Francisco. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was neither one of us. Now we gotta figure out the player. Well, that'll be for another show. Crash and Burn available. That guy just had the helmet. I have about 700 pencils. 720.

[Allison Rosen]

Crash memories are always better than you think they are.

[Artie Lange]

Yes. Available on Amazon and the Artie Lang show also. And you can check them out his website, artilangshow.com so until next time, it's Adam Kroll for Artie Lang, Alison Rosen, and Ball Brian saying, mahalo, you fucking.

[Allison Rosen]

Moist toilet paper man. He goes, I'm telling you, you will never go back to a bitch.

[Dawson]

That was adam Cole Show 1201. That does it for today's cool classics. Until next time, I'll get it on.

[Allison Rosen]

Can.