Tyler Labine + Haley Joel Osment (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show – “Tyler Labine + Haley Joel Osment” (Carolla Classics)
Release Date: November 21, 2025
PodcastOne / Carolla Digital

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Overview

In this Carolla Classics episode, host Adam Carolla is joined by actors Tyler Labine and Haley Joel Osment, along with regulars Allison Rosen, Brian "Bald Bryan" Bishop, David Wild, and Ray Oldhoffer. The episode features classic segments from 2014, blending sharp-witted pop culture analysis, behind-the-scenes Hollywood stories, rants on modern life, and the signature Carolla banter. Topics range from the Grammys and TV/film careers to office coffee etiquette, success mindsets, and the absurdities of daily life.

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Key Topics and Discussion Highlights

1. The Grammys, Pop Culture, and Live Performance

• Grammy Categories and Evolution:

  • David Wild details his background writing "the Grammy book" and the evolving categories of the awards, from early jazz and musicals to LL Cool J hosting and the inclusion of hip hop and rock over time.
  • Adam speculates on the slow movement of traditionally underrepresented genres into mainstream awards.

    "I'm guessing for the first, I don't know, 30 years, the only black folk were filling water glasses at that place." — Adam Carolla [03:59]

  • Discussion of guests and performances planned for the ceremony, including Daft Punk, Nine Inch Nails, Queens of the Stone Age, and Lindsey Buckingham.

• Respect for Live Artists:

  • Adam praises Pink for being a dynamic live performer, despite not being his musical preference.

    "I appreciate anyone who can bring it live, whatever the style of music. If you can bring it live, I appreciate it. My hat's off to you." — Adam Carolla [07:39]

2. Daily Life Grievances: Coffee, Mugs, and Office Etiquette

• Coffee Box Etiquette:

  • Adam launches a classic rant about coworkers who leave the Starbucks coffee box open and compares minor workplace annoyances to degrees of societal anarchy.
  • "It's the chimney for the thing. You cap that bad boy, you get an extra couple hours of warmth out of there. You leave it open ... it's cool outside, it's going fast." — Adam Carolla [11:56]
  • The team dissects the layers of thoughtlessness and its implications for group dynamics.

• Commuter Mug Philosophy:

  • Extended discussion on the importance of the “right” commuter mug, design specifics, and Adam’s self-portrayal as a “hero” for cleaning and returning a colleague’s mug.
  • Allison and Bryan join in on the playful debate about what makes the perfect travel mug.

3. Societal Commentary: Sitcom Stereotypes, Family Dynamics, and Success

• Sitcom Tropes & Male Portrayals:

  • Lament over tired TV tropes, from pregnancy scenes to the comical “buffoon” father/husband constantly made the butt of jokes.
  • Allison points out that many of these tropes are perpetuated by male writers themselves.

    "It's men writing it ... it's not only women who wrote this." — Allison Rosen [26:36]

• Family Success and “Letting Your Freak Flag Fly”:

  • Caller Brian seeks advice as the high achiever in a family with less motivated siblings. Adam responds with his no-nonsense philosophy on personal responsibility:

    "Never let the phrase, 'I did my best,' pass your lips. Never blame others. Always look for your little kernel of fault in every situation." — Adam Carolla [34:11]

  • Discussion extends to a critique of modern “everyone’s a special snowflake” empowerment culture, with an emphasis on the necessity of shame, self-assessment, and honest criticism.

4. Phone Calls & Real-Life Scenarios

• Caller Stories:
  • A man in Boston calls while his wife is in labor, sparking jokes about pregnancy sitcom clichés and parental naming advice.
  • Extended riff on deciding when to stop kissing one's child on the lips, and the awkwardness/unspoken rules around physical affection rooted in family upbringing.

5. Tyler Labine Segment: Showbiz, Canadian Roots, and Indie Comedy

• Tyler Labine’s Career:

  • Discussion of his roles in "Someone Marry Barry" and cult favorite "Tucker & Dale vs. Evil".
  • Tyler shares stories of breaking into Hollywood as a Canadian, hiding his accent after childhood teasing on set.
  • Details on his family’s artistic ambitions (brothers in acting and theater) and their early creative collaborations using a Kyocera video camera.

• Indie Filmmaking & Genre-Bending Roles:

  • Tyler recounts making the indie film "Control Alt Delete," a dark comedy about a man’s inappropriate relationship with his computer, and why “you fuck a PC and you marry a Mac”.

• Streaming Platforms: Netflix & Hulu:

  • Prediction that new media/streaming platforms will eventually become "the man" just like traditional networks.

    "Right now they're like, fuck the man. In 10 years, they're gonna be like, we're the fucking man." — Tyler Labine [61:11]

6. Canada Talk: Rob Ford, Jamadians, and Politics

• Rob Ford’s Antics & Canadian Cultural Identity:

  • Tyler offers perspective as a Torontonian on the scandalous, boozy former Toronto mayor, and why anti-establishment, flawed politicians still get love from voters.

    "Part of me kind of likes him ... There's something about him, it's like, it's my cousin Brandon fucking shotgunning like a mickey of vodka by the fire and then puking in the lake." — Tyler Labine [76:06]

  • Adam and the panel compare Ford to American politicians, observing a lack of public expectation for mayors versus pilots or teachers.

• Canadian Party Mascots:

  • Humorous confusion about Canadian political party mascots, including references to beavers, moose, and the rhino (Rhinoceros Party of Canada), and jokes about party branding.

7. Anything Goes: Zoo Animal Welfare, Hippos, and Absurdities

• Zoos and Animal Advocacy:

  • Tyler and Adam riff on the LA Zoo “Billy the Elephant” controversy and Vancouver’s infamous yellow polar bears, using these as springboards for broader critiques of misguided good intentions.

• Hippo Facts & Bathroom Humor:

  • Extended riff on hippos being lethal, their bathroom habits, and Adam’s hypothesis that humanity would be happier if “meant to shit at sea.”

8. “Blah, Blah, Blah” Game and Notable Quotes

• Blah, Blah, Blah Segment (1:29:56–1:43:00):
  • The gang tries to guess which celebrity wrote which tone-deaf or self-important blog post. Adam’s commentary is sharp and dismissive as usual.
    • “Everything that comes out of fucking Rob Reiner's mouth makes me mad.” — Adam Carolla [131:57]
    • “Annie Lennox angers me with her music. If I hear fucking Travel the World and the fucking Seas ... most of her songs are fucking grating and horrible.” — Adam Carolla [139:05]

9. Haley Joel Osment Segment: Child Stardom and Adult Life

• Behind-the-Scenes: Acting as a Kid:

  • Haley recounts being discovered for a Pizza Hut commercial (playing off the actual ad), and how that led to his role in “Forrest Gump.”
  • Honest look at being labeled by an iconic childhood performance and gradually transitioning to adult roles.

    "The fact that I'm so identified with like a 10-year-old version of myself is strange ..." — Haley Joel Osment [149:27]

  • Discussion of on-set tutors, California labor laws for minors, and the smart management of his early earnings.

• Adulthood, Puberty, and Responsibility:

  • Extended roundtable on how 18-year-olds today aren't really adults—advocating for raising certain age thresholds, and noting that financial and emotional maturity typically comes years later.

• Pop Culture, Food, and Pizza:

  • Wraps up with riffs on Pizza Hut’s failed “Bigfoot” pizza, odd food combos on pizzas (come out in defense of Canadian bacon and pineapple), and how people's stated tastes often diverge from their actual habits.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with timestamps)

• "If you can bring it live, I appreciate it. My hat's off to you." — Adam Carolla [07:39]
• "The sound guy left his commuter mug at my warehouse … and he commented, today, he said, I noticed you cleaned it before you gave it back. I said, that's how I roll." — Adam Carolla [14:52]
• "Kissing, hugging, physical affection. My family is fucked up and weird … if they hug you, it feels like you stood there and somebody took an ironing board and just leaned it against you." — Adam Carolla [43:04]
• "[On Hulu and Netflix] Right now they're like, fuck the man. In 10 years, they're gonna be like, we're the fucking man." — Tyler Labine [61:11]
• "Part of me kind of likes him … it's my cousin Brandon shotgunning like a mickey of vodka by the fire and then puking in the lake..." — Tyler Labine on Rob Ford [76:06]
• "Just saying, creatively, when does it become fucked out?" — Adam Carolla on making men the sitcom butt of every joke [26:47]
• "Never let the phrase, 'I did my best,' pass your lips... Always look for your little kernel of fault in every situation." — Adam Carolla [34:11]
• "If you gave us $50 million and said just work sporadically... I'd just fucking run amok." — Adam Carolla on Justin Bieber's behavior [85:28]
• "It's the Alf of pizza..." — Adam Carolla on pineapple pizza [181:24]

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Timestamps of Key Segments

• Grammys & Music Industry Talk: 02:30 – 09:45
• Coffee, Office Etiquette & Commuter Mug Rant: 09:45 – 19:17
• Sitcom Stereotypes & Family Dynamics: 24:05 – 34:11
• Callers: Family Success, Child Naming, Parenting: 24:03, 27:27, 29:41, 37:27
• Tyler Labine Interview / Showbiz & Indie Film: 59:07 – 67:07
• Canadian Politics & Rob Ford: 68:29 – 79:48
• Animal Welfare & Hippo Bathroom Riff: 89:49 – 93:39
• Blah, Blah, Blah Game: 129:56 – 143:04
• Haley Joel Osment Interview: 145:02 – 156:21
• Parenting & Societal Maturity Riff: 156:21 – 159:51
• Pizza, Food, Taste Preferences: 177:21 – 181:56

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Tone, Delivery, and Dynamics

• The episode features Adam’s trademark wit and exasperation, plenty of sarcasm, and tangents that move from functional to absurd (bathroom habits, hippos, pineapple pizza).
• Guests like Tyler Labine and Haley Joel Osment contribute modest, self-aware perspectives on showbiz and personal development, while the panel (especially Allison) offers counterpoints to Adam's rants.
• Jokes and asides are woven seamlessly, maintaining a fast pace and conversational rhythm typical of the show.

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Conclusion

This Carolla Classics episode delivers a vintage blend of comedy, real-life philosophy, showbiz insight, and group camaraderie. It plays equally well as a time capsule of early 2010s pop culture and a showcase for Adam Carolla’s relentless, humorous take on modern life’s foibles.

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For New Listeners:
This summary captures all major threads and memorable moments; if you’ve never heard the episode, you’ll come away with highlights of the Adam Carolla Show’s unique humor and topical range—minus ads and filler.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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[Tyler Levine]

Welcome to Crollo Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans selected clips from all 16 years of the Adam Corolla show. We have a separate podcast feed titled Cruel Classics exclusively available through Podcast one. You can find the ad free archives.

[Adam Carolla]

Check it out and sign up. If you'd like to find the ad free archives for the Adam Carolla show or the Adam and Dr. Drew show or if you'd like to get exclusive.

[Tyler Levine]

Access to the brand new podcast Beat.

[Adam Carolla]

It out, make sure to check out.

[Tyler Levine]

Adam Carolla's substack adamcohlere.substack.com and if you'd.

[David Wilde]

Like to request a clip, Please email.

[Tyler Levine]

Us classicsdamcarolla.com now onto the clips.

[Adam Carolla]

Coming first day we have Adam Carolla Show 1244 featuring Tyler Levine, David Wilde, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2014. All right, good day Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello Adam Caroll.

[Adam Carolla]

And the bald one.

[Allison Rosen]

Bald Brian, take them teeth out when you sucking my dick.

[Brian Bishop]

Hoxgo2009 wanted that on the Twitter topdrop.

[Adam Carolla]

David Wilde is with us.

[David Wilde]

And the Grammy for best podcaster goes to Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know they laughed when they talked about Grammys for hip hop artists and things like that a mere 12, 15 years ago. I don't know how long it's been going on, but it seemed absurd how many years the Grammys been going for. It's 56. Right. So categories like rock and Roll and things like that must have gotten added. So if this is 50, then we're talking about 58 or am I screwing that up?

[Brian Bishop]

Well, they do.

[Adam Carolla]

They semi 1958.

[Brian Bishop]

They do comedy albums, they do spoken word albums, they do liner notes, they do all.

[David Wilde]

I will actually bring up podcast. I think it'd be a great category.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if seeing how it started in 1958 or 57. 58, whatever it was, it must have been. Is it chamber or baroque? And the other. Go for baroque. Thank you for coming out tonight. Sorry I didn't have a chance to finish your salad. Like, what did they have? I mean, there was no hip hop. I mean, it's a bunch of jazz or something. I don't know.

[David Wilde]

About five years ago, they asked me to write the Grammy book, the official and the Grammy goes to. It was actually called. It was like a coffee table book about the Grammys. So I watched every show that is on tv because there were a few that were not. And I had a look at like lithographs. But it's amazing to see the show's transition because, like, you saw it sort of like Andy Williams hosting, John Denver hosting. You see the sort of, you know, it's the journey to LL Cool J.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Brian Bishop]

All rosly to ll.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I'm guessing for the first, I don't know, 30 years, the only black folk were filling water glasses at that place.

[David Wilde]

No, not at all. That's not at all true. It was actually pretty good that way.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[David Wilde]

Yeah, yeah, pretty good that way.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Sorry to hear that. Yeah, yeah. So they're giving out stuff for musicals and stuff like that. It must have been musicals and movie scores.

[David Wilde]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And things like that.

[David Wilde]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

But when things. That was 1960 or 1958, the Beatles.

[David Wilde]

Were winning within like 1965, in like February, I think they were winning their first Grammy.

[Adam Carolla]

They put, you know. Yeah, Andy Williams was in the rock and roll category, maybe the punk category, but they added rock and roll. Somebody will get us a list. But they must have steadily added categories.

[David Wilde]

Oh, yeah, they're always evolving. Every. Every year, things. Things change.

[Brian Bishop]

I would have guessed they would have added rock and roll either right away or very, very soon. Because it was the recording industry that was doing the awards and therefore who was selling more records than Elvis Presley.

[David Wilde]

I'm gonna actually. I'll bring you guys copy for the studio of the book, which tells you the whole history of every category.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, don't worry about that.

[David Wilde]

Yeah, no, I will. I need to get it out of my house. Gotta unload that in some CeeLo books.

[Adam Carolla]

So you've coaxed LL out of hibernation to host again.

[David Wilde]

I talked to him yesterday and I'm hoping. I just want to say I am very happy he's so great.

[Brian Bishop]

He's a.

[David Wilde]

Great. To work with. He's a great guy.

[Adam Carolla]

And so he's working it again. Everyone's going to perform as per usual. Right.

[David Wilde]

I can't reveal too much, but we got a couple Beatles.

[Adam Carolla]

We got.

[David Wilde]

We got. Which is pretty much. We're maxing out it too. We got, you know, just about everyone you can think of. I. You know, Daft Punk. I think they've only performed twice in this first time in six years they're performing anywhere. And the last time was at the Grammys. We got. I don't think it's been confirmed, but I wouldn't be surprised if there were people who rhymed with me on.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[David Wilde]

Badonna.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa.

[David Wilde]

You know, some. You know.

[Allison Rosen]

Who is it?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, exactly.

[David Wilde]

Bingo.

[Adam Carolla]

Har. Yeah.

[David Wilde]

Mal Put Partney. You know, it could be anybody.

[Adam Carolla]

I think they were on. I've seen them on the commercials already or something. Or at least maybe not performing, but at least their faces were.

[Allison Rosen]

Bingo.

[Adam Carolla]

Or Mole popped up there.

[David Wilde]

We got Taylor Swift.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[David Wilde]

We got Pink. Pink. The performance by Pink. I don't know if you remember last time she performed, but she's gonna actually try to outdo herself, which is one of the great performances ever.

[Adam Carolla]

I love me some Pink.

[Brian Bishop]

Was that the hanging in the air over the.

[David Wilde]

Yeah, that was hanging in the air, Stephen.

[Brian Bishop]

I remember that.

[Allison Rosen]

I did not know you were a Pink fan.

[Adam Carolla]

We had her on the Loveline many, many years ago. She was like, brassy and fun and like, punched me in the arm and called me Chuck and told me her brother was a massive man show fan or something and wanted to take a picture or something. Remember her being sort of spunky and fun. Whatever her personality seems to be, it's kind of that.

[Allison Rosen]

And do you feel like her music is akin to my favorite song? You know youw want me, boy?

[Adam Carolla]

Um, no, I. There's a couple of things I feel, you know. You want me, boy. But you can't have me, boy. Cause I look too good for you, boy. But you get in line, boy. And you can take a number, boy. Because I got a pussy deli, boy. And you can't have none, boy. Because I'm too high for you, boy. You wish you had some.

[Brian Bishop]

I think we're gonna have to strip.

[David Wilde]

You of your best Podcaster. Grammy for that performance.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's what every fucking third song is. I like. I don't sit around and listen to Pink songs, but I think she has good pipes. I think she's a good live performer. I appreciate anyone who can bring it live, whatever the style of music. If you can bring it live, I appreciate it. My hat's off to you. I respect that, even if it's not my genre of music. So she has pipes. She brings it in the live performances. And I think her songs are funner than your average. Just sort of Katy Perry esque stuff. I feel like they have some teeth to them.

[David Wilde]

Are they funner than fun? She is performing with the lead singer fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[David Wilde]

Yes. So that's part of her performance. Her performance is.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd like to sit around with her and lead singer fun and watch reruns of Good Times and try to explain that to people in the who's on first kind of way.

[David Wilde]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's gonna be a big night.

[David Wilde]

Yeah. For rock and roll fans. Just announced today, which I'm really excited about because I was there for the meeting where we're going through this. We have Nine Inch Nails, Queens of the Stone Age with Lindsey Buckingham and Dave Grohl. That's one whole segment together that's gonna really be un. It's gonna be the last thing of the night. We're gonna go out rocking. It's really cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Never liked Nine Inch Nails, but I never got the whole Trent Reznor thing. I always just felt like that was just. I always felt like that was. That music was grinding and just sort of. I don't know anyone who likes. All right, is Trent Reznor good? I know he did some soundtrack stuff that was kind of interesting.

[Brian Bishop]

People I know who have good taste in music worship him. So I therefore think. I assume he's good, but I never enjoy social networking.

[Adam Carolla]

He did that. Yes. I've seen.

[Allison Rosen]

I liked Nine Inch Nails.

[Adam Carolla]

I've seen him in concert before. Just because it was more of a sort of a job related thing. And it just was this sort of pulsating thing that just like kept coming at you, which was good fuck music good fuck music good. If you're rolling on X music bad. If you got to go to work early next morning on Kevin Bean and.

[David Wilde]

Do a full report, Can I use that for the name of my podcast when I spin off the Good fuck music.

[Adam Carolla]

Good fuck music. Tell me where you guys come down on this. On the set today working on this contractor show and somebody went and got that big Starbucks cardboard bucket of coffee. Just a huge box of coffee. And it comes with the lid, the lids and the stir sticks and everything in saddlebags on the side. But I'm never sure whether to remove them before I pour it. And I always just pick up the whole lot and pour. It'd be like taking a saddle off with everything attached to it at once. Instead of taking the saddlebags off and then removing the saddle, I just kind of l thing and the pony and just sort of tilt it, you know, Which I'm fine with. No problems there. Somewhere around 10 in the morning, since that thing has been sitting out since 6:30, maybe 6:45. Somewhere around 10 you go, huh, I'm losing my energy, so I want a cup of coffee. And you go in there and it's either it's usually cold, there's a little spittle at the bottom, it's cold. It's been sitting for four hours and that's fine. So at some point, somebody makes a run about two in the afternoon on the set, everyone makes a coffee run.

[Brian Bishop]

Do they refill that thing or do they get new coffees?

[Adam Carolla]

No, they just go get another box of it. And it's one of those bang for your buck things. They always send some PA around 2:30, 3 o', clock, go make a coffee run. Because they realize this is essentially a drug. You're going to get another good three and a half, four hours. Out of all the cameramen, all the people here that are starting to fade because they've been here since 6:15 this morning and they went and got it. And I walked up on the bucket and that screw cap was sitting next to it. Somebody helped themselves and then put the screw cap next to it. And I said, I want names, I want answers. Who fucking did this? Because the problem with the first batch is it's gone cold. And whoever is doing this, you basically, that's the chimney for the thing. You cap that bad boy, you get an extra couple hours of warmth out of there. You leave it open. It's cool outside, it's going fast.

[David Wilde]

Who would do such a thing?

[Adam Carolla]

Not egregious. An animal that had gotten what they needed from this transaction. Meaning I unscrew the cap I poured in my cup. I'm done pouring it in my cup. And now I'm done. There are others around. They do not exist to me. There are a lot of people. I'm obsessed with them and I hate them all. Say ones who throw their gum out in the parking lot. There's Gradations of this. Some stab you in the neck with rusty Rebar to take $5 from you. And then others, distant relatives leave the cap off the Starbucks bucket. But what I'm saying is it all boils down to, I am done with this gum. I backed into a car, but it was not my car. I found this wallet, but I did not lose my wallet, and I did.

[David Wilde]

Not literally the cap, drip, drip of anarchy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, it is. I am done with this. And I could put the cap back on, but there's nothing in it for me to put the cap back on because I have a big cup of warm coffee and I'm now walking away. I don't think it's intentional.

[Brian Bishop]

I wish that much thought went into it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a switch that goes off in their mind when they're done. You know, it's not. There's no thought that goes into it. The thought is, I want these chocolate chip cookies. So I'm going to open this big jumbo pouch that has been sealed shut, I'm going to grab said chocolate chip cookies. Once they're in my hand, I'm now done. I've completed the transaction like a shark.

[Brian Bishop]

With the eyes rolling back into its head, right? I have cookies on the brain.

[Adam Carolla]

And then once you're. You're satiated, you're done. I'm happy to say. And I don't throw the word hero around lightly, and I don't use hero when I talk about myself wrongly, in my opinion. But the sound guy left his commuter mug at my warehouse when we shot there a week ago. And the other day he mentioned to me, he said, I left my commuter mug at your warehouse. You think you could bring it to me? And I said, yeah, but we're not going to see each other for another week because we weren't going to tape for a week. And he said, yeah, it's a pretty good commuter mug. And my first impulse was, I want to make fun of him because if you're going to hang your hat on a commuter mug in life at age 42, you shouldn't be that married to your commuter mug. I understand some are better than others. Then he spoke about his wife and the commuter mug. And I said, this is going off a cliff, buddy. Don't talk anymore. And then I gave it back to him, and he commented, today, he said, I noticed you cleaned it before you gave it back. I said, that's how I roll.

[David Wilde]

And still you don't call yourself hero.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. I say hero squared.

[Allison Rosen]

Was it A particularly special commuter mug. From your standpoint, it was nice.

[Adam Carolla]

I give it a six and a half to the eight range. It was made of metal. It didn't have his initials emblazoned in it. It was not, you know, it was not made by Tiffany or anything like that. Didn't come in that blue box. It's just a decent looking commuter mug. I suppose you'd have to probably fill up with at least 14 gallons of diesel fuel to get this kind of mug for free to gas station. Yeah, they won't just give it to anybody. If that's you, don't just come in there and buy some Lifesavers and head out with this kind of commuter mug. You'd have to do it somewhere in the, I would say I would put it somewhere squarely in the 8$75 to $13 range.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I was going 12 to 16.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, in that range.

[Brian Bishop]

I gave Christy a new commuter mug for Christmas. She wanted it, by the way, she asked for it. And there is a complicated algorithm to finding just the right mug. Number one has to fit in the coffee maker. Too tall, you're screwed. Has to fit in the cup holder in the car. Too big, you're screwed. Are you a handle guy or are you a grip the thing guy? Do you like the. Do you like the. To slide the little notch open? You want to notch at all? You want to just slip or do you want a knock that comes off? You want a screw top or do you want a pop top? You have to think about these things.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Sometimes take years to squeeze the trigger on a good commuter mug. I will say this too, in the super snarky, semi douchey. And again, I don't often call myself a hero, but now I take the guy's commuter mug because I realize he told me and I'm not gonna see him for another week. And if I do that move where I let it sit in my shop, I'm gonna forget about it. So I took it and I rinsed it out and I threw it in my car lickety split because that's the way to do things. Otherwise you'll forget about it. It's the doctor Drew with the flu vaccination in my refrigerator with his car key sitting on top of it. They needed to be refrigerated. He did not wann. So he put his car keys on top of them. So I now have this commuter mug and it's rolling around my passenger seat for what's going to be a week. So now I got a it's gut check time in the commuter mug department. And if you.

[Brian Bishop]

Time to take a long look in the reflective surface of the commuter mug.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. It will distort your face if it's brushed aluminum. So I think to myself, do I bring the commuter mug inside of my house? In which case it can easily get bussed and put away somewhere, out of sight, out of mine. Or do I let it roll around in my car for a week? Which I don't like either, especially when you're throwing passengers in. You throw it down on the floor, toss it in the back, and then what if it slides under the seat? Then it's out of mine again. So I say to myself, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to bring it into the house, but I'm going to set it at the entryway, right by the front door. I'll put my keys on it and I'll find it in a week. And there it'll be. And then I noticed it was gone. And I noticed and I knew immediately. Olga, Olga, bust it. And I said to Olga, she said, yeah, you left your commuter mug. And I said, olga, I would never walk through this front door and set my thing down. It always goes straight to the shop.

[David Wilde]

Did she say commuter mug?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what it sounded like. Yeah, she said, metallic chalice. She's very proper that way. And I informed her that I would never come in there and set that thing down. It would always find its way to the sink. So if you do see anything sitting by the front door and it's got my name on it, it's there for a reason, it's going out the door. Little rhythms like that. Anyway, again, hero. Probably left more for the guys that stormed the beach at Normandy or over there in desert, you know, in the desert of Afghanistan or in the mountains up there, that's for them. But once in a while, every once in a while.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, if only this guy knew the kind of burden he had given you by asking you, by putting the cup in your charge for this whole week. There was a lot of thought went into it.

[Adam Carolla]

He did, and we had a nice conversation about what a hero I was during the break for rinsing it out. And I told him I got one mode and that's it. Beast mode. Beast. Commuter mug mode.

[Brian Bishop]

Too soon.

[Adam Carolla]

I just. Sorry.

[David Wilde]

It brings to mind that famous image, the AP image, of all the commuter mugs on Normandy beach the next day.

[Adam Carolla]

Pushing the flag up top of Mount Suribachi. So Let me give a little love to one of our fine sponsors and we'll get to a little Grammy talk. DraftKings, baby. Fantasy sports. Oh, they're heating up, I'd say. Getting down to the Super bowl, man. DraftKings.com America's favorite one day fantasy sports. Strawberry Me. Let's talk careers for a second. We all gotta have a job, but what you really want is a career. Something that makes you feel like you're actually building something, not just clocking in and clocking out. I talked to Vincent over at Strawberry. Great guy, by the way. First rate people over there. Super nice, smart, and they actually care about helping you move forward. I know that firsthand because I talked to Vincent over there. Strawberry Me helps you go from stuck at work to feeling good about what you do. They'll match you with a career coach who gets your goals. You take a quick quiz and bam, you're on your way. They'll help you figure out what you want, what you're worth, and how to get there. Whether that's negotiating better pay, finding a new gig, or finally moving into something you care about. Head to Strawberry Me ACS to get 50% off your first week. It's your career. Take care of it. That Strawberry acs Stop settling. Start building the career you actually want.

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[Adam Carolla]

A few weeks ago, James Tran won himself $1,000,000 at DraftKings.com unfortunately, he's from California, so he can only walk with $87,000. That's all he's going to keep from that poor guy. Yeah, it's rough. What are you doing, Brian? Who's your team? What's going on?

[Brian Bishop]

Last week I had a decent week. I finished out of the money, but just barely. And you know, it's like, oh man, no more football. But wait. Basketball, pro and college. I can play either one.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. DraftKings. Not all about the football. It's all about the sports one day. Fantasy sports means you got a shot to win every day. 100. Ah. I'm going to double that. 200 million. DraftKings. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. I screwed that one up. DraftKings. Where was I? Yeah, they're going to award $200 million this year. That is a lot, Dawson.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Adam Carolla]

Hurry.

[Commercial Announcer]

This amazing offer expires this Friday. For details and your free entry, enter Adam [e-mail] DraftKings.com all right, we have.

[Adam Carolla]

Some phone calls up there. David Wilde again. Sunday is the Grammys.

[David Wilde]

Sunday, CBS, 8 o' clock till almost midnight.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you hanging backstage and punching things up as they go?

[David Wilde]

Yes. I'll tell you, it's a unique year. I'm always backstage and doing that. But the interesting this year is the next morning we start at 9am rehearsing another giant show, the Beatles Grammy, Beatles tribute. So we're doing a show. I don't know what people go to the parties are going to do because we have two shows back to back. So I'll be backstage at both and I'll tweet photos at Wild about music and I'll maybe I can call you from backstage and put some people on.

[Adam Carolla]

The phone that would be hunky dory with us. Oops, hit the wrong one. Oops, hit the wrong one again. Sorry. All right. Line five, Brian 33, Boston. Boy, is that working out. Line five, Brian 33. Working at some point. Chris, Max, Pata, hit some button on the board and it works. Yeah. What's going on?

[Caller Brian]

What's up, man?

[Adam Carolla]

What's happening?

[Caller Brian]

How you doing, man? Up in Boston laying here. My wife's in labor so I'm just writing down the contractions, counting it out.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like there was a ton of pregnancy humor in sitcoms and they're all gone now.

[Brian Bishop]

All panic based.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody's new girl never gets pregnant. And the big there were like seven jokes and every sitcom would just use them over and over again. They just recycle them from Brainy bunch.

[Brian Bishop]

I drink ice with the suitcase for guess the wife.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, everything was we're going to rehearse, we're going to rehearse, we're going to rehearse and we're gonna pack the bag and we're gonna run and. Yes. And finally when it did go Down. The guy would grab the bag, run out the door, speed down the highway.

[Brian Bishop]

It was time. It was time.

[Adam Carolla]

The cop would pull him over and he'd be like, hey, Mac, where's the fire? And then he'd turn around and go, my wife's pregnant. And there'd be no one in the backseat. And then she was always ten times as calm as he was. Cause he left her at home.

[Allison Rosen]

Cause the doctor would say, how are you feeling? And he'd be like, I've been better.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? And then at a certain. Right. At a certain point, they'd come back and they'd be talking to some friends, and they'd go, how'd it go? Well, it was good till Bob passed out. And then, you know, be faint and they'd. You know. I think guys being heels back then were sort of. By the way, when is the husband being the heel officially gonna be fucked out in terms of. That's a hackneyed joke.

[Brian Bishop]

You gotta wait a while.

[Adam Carolla]

We gotta wait a while.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, it's gonna be a while.

[Adam Carolla]

What's gonna go way faster, Black female judges or guys being hacked?

[Allison Rosen]

Way too many of them.

[Adam Carolla]

In the movies, in the television shows.

[Brian Bishop]

Black female judge thing feels newer. So that's going away first.

[David Wilde]

Okay, Adam, I think you're missing a stage. I think that women, now that our wives generation are imitating sitcoms from the 80s, I don't think real. I don't think women could get away with saying that shit. It was on TV in the old days. It was like a fantasy to put down the husband. But now it's a way of life, right? I think we're now seeing the damage done by Those sitcoms in 74, Claire Huxtable.

[Adam Carolla]

It is weird that every guy, he's like, I don't get it. Why can't I eat pizza with Captain Crunch berries on it for breakfast? What's the big deal? And they're always. I watch these Disney shows, these, like, live action, whatever with my daughter. And the guy's a buffoon. The guy's always just a buffoon.

[Allison Rosen]

The funny thing is, it's men writing it. I mean, I'm not exclusively. But it's not like this is. I get what you're saying about it being a female fantasy, but it's not only women who wrote this.

[Adam Carolla]

It's safe international waters. Like, just, you know, he's just a dude. Just go after the dude. Like, no one's ever gonna write a letter. No one's gonna complain. There's no coalition. There's no I'm just saying, creatively. When does it become fucked out?

[David Wilde]

We're there.

[Adam Carolla]

I think we've been there for a while.

[Brian Bishop]

When I first started doing the Jack Silver thing back on the radio show, you were like, it works. Everyone loves to make fun of the boss. And everyone does love to make fun of the boss, whether you're working in an office or a radio station or whatever. And I guess you need a butt of the joke. And it's easy to make fun of the boss.

[Adam Carolla]

Usually ironic patriotism. The comical thing is the guy's nowhere near the boss at home at all. He is not the boss of the house at all. In. In any of the sitcoms. He's, you know. Yes, dear and in the doghouse. All right. Anyway, Brian.

[Haley Joel Osment]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Pregnant labor. That's right. What's. Huh. What are you gonna name the kid?

[Caller Brian]

We got a couple names we haven't told anybody yet. You want. You want to be the first one?

[Adam Carolla]

Nah.

[Caller Brian]

You don't know if it's a third girl yet. We're gonna save them.

[Adam Carolla]

But.

[Caller Brian]

So my question.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, wait a minute. Is it boy or girl?

[Caller Brian]

We don't know yet.

[Adam Carolla]

We don't know.

[Caller Brian]

We're gonna find out.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to know something. First off, why do you want to be surprised? Secondly, isn't it going to be a surprise when you do find out? At any point, when you find out, like, it's always a surprise, right? It's not like you're in high school and someone goes, you got a boy? And you're like, huh, I never. I haven't even been laid. Like, it's always going, it'll be surprised in the doctor's office or be surprised when the kid comes out.

[David Wilde]

Let the surprise be if you love the kid or are underwhelmed.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I just.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I would want to know.

[David Wilde]

Yeah. My wife doesn't understand people who don't want to know. It pisses her off.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm with her on that. Hey, Brian, uh, how do you pick a name out if you don't know?

[Allison Rosen]

You have two.

[Caller Brian]

You go in with one on each side, I think.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Seems wildly inefficient and takes a bunch of time. I don't know. Anyway, you gotta decorate, you know? I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, why. Why do you not. Why did you guys not want to know? Brian? I mean, I.

[Caller Brian]

Well, one, I think it's like. I think finding out in the doctor's office is kind of anticlimactic. I think it's probably a better moment in life we find out, like, as it's being born.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but are you having a kid to be entertained or you're raising a human being? I mean, how exciting does it have to be for you as a parent? We had a kid. It was kind of boring. Yeah. Kind of the way I feel about American Hustle. Like, that's good. I mean, I would recommend having a kid, but I think I know the name.

[David Wilde]

I think the name is either gonna be Bald Brian if it's a boy, or Bald Brianna if it's a girl.

[Adam Carolla]

I like. I like Clutch. That's all I'm saying.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. So you do you work, Brian?

[Caller Brian]

Yeah, I work up in Boston. I come from a small town, Western Mass. I've been in Boston for about 10 years. And I guess my question to you is I'm the most successful person in my family by far. They're all counties from Western Mass. Pretty simple. And, you know, everybody's kind of, you know, just doing little jobs. My brother's a valet parker. My other brother does, like, little construction work and stuff. And.

[Brian Bishop]

Brian, is this from your Thanksgiving toast?

[Adam Carolla]

The reunion, actually.

[Caller Brian]

But they're still like, they don't have any drive in life. And I got out of town. Is this something that you think is, like, controllable, like, when you have a kid or what? It is like, I try my younger brother so hard.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, first off, it is insane how many people I speak to where they go. I just start asking about their family and they go, eh, I have a sister, but she's. She's not. I mean, she's not a junkie, but she's on methadone, so she's stabilized now. And then Israel's complicated because she has three kids from two dudes and they're in Florida. And it's like, I'm surprised, Like, it's not that unique. The brother that's on disability. And then he got strung out on pain pills. Like, some really shitty stories with sort of normal people. It's not like I'm sitting in a drunk tank interviewing people. I'm working and talking. And yeah, you hear some good ones, but you hear a lot of, like, everything from, well, I had a brother, but he OD'd when he's 26. To, I got a brother. And he's like, kinda in and out of trouble a lot. He's been arrested a few times. Like, it's weird. What percentage of this country has spent some time in jail? Been arrested multiple times, been strung out on something, is on Probation is unemployed. It's weird and fucked up because I would think it'd just be like, I'm gonna talk to 100 guys and maybe one or two of them's gonna have a story about his younger brother. Older brother, sister, whatever, with some sort of tragic.

[Allison Rosen]

Whatever 2% don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. According to USA Today, yeah. So many people are fucking colossal fuck ups.

[Allison Rosen]

It's true.

[Adam Carolla]

And not only that, it's kind of like, stay the course, man. I mean, these guys are like, he has a son and his son's now. His son's 19, but his son recently got locked up. Like, it's like, the fuck are you doing? How does this work? Where's all the voices? And I do think there's way too much. Hey, man, let your freak flag fly. And don't let anyone ever tell you what to. And no one's the boss of bullshit. People need to be telling people what the fuck do all the time.

[Brian Bishop]

There will be a boss of you. Probably several of the questions.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, right. There will be. And why not tell fuck? I mean, isn't the greatest gift you could give a fuck up to tell him that he's a fuck up and try to get him to quit fucking up? Why do we frown so much upon that?

[Allison Rosen]

That's the problem with this, you know. Just be yourself and don't listen to anyone and let your freak flag fly. It's fine if that means listening to obscure music or having pink hair or doing whatever, but when that means being self destructive and a total fuck up, that's not really just being yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? And guys like Brian can change their destiny. I have done it. I don't call myself a hero sometimes. Earlier in the day. Earlier in the day, yes. Yes. Coincidentally, today I did label myself a hero for not only the commuter mug battle, but also putting the screw cap back on the cardboard bucket of Starbucks coffee. Those two combined alone, rarely outside of.

[Brian Bishop]

A coffee related scenario. You call yourself a hero?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I was awarded the Mrs. Olson Medal of Honor. I mean, of course she's gone. You have to look up Mrs. Olsen and then you all laugh.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that from Little House?

[Adam Carolla]

No. Well, it is. But Mrs. Olsen, we'll look her up. Well, look, Hills Brothers. Oh, Jesus. We'll figure her out. Then we'll have a nice laugh. Brian. Yeah. What you can do and what everyone can do is to beat themselves up and internalize and try to get better and ask themselves why they did this and promise it'll never happen again. Never let the phrase, I did my best, never let that pass your lips. Never blame others. Always look for every situation, no matter how possibly lopsided it could be. Look for your little kernel of fault, of fault in it. Try to figure out not to beat yourself up, but to prevent it. Next time. So if your car just gets hit in the parking lot, well, maybe next time, park it by parking post, not in the middle, or whatever. As I've said, if you go to a store and you go there on a Tuesday and it's at noon and it's closed, don't hock a loogie on the window and piss through the mail slot. Say to yourself, next time, I'm going to call in advance. And then someone could go, well, that's insane. What kind of store wouldn't be open? And I go, the answer is, I don't know. Next time, call in advance.

[Allison Rosen]

Is there anything I can learn from this experience? And if what you're learning is the whole world is unfair, try harder to learn something.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, this is the whole thing that pisses me off about many branches of our society these days. When you turn anybody into a victim and you say, ah, they got it against you, or someone, they're fucking with you, or they're holding you down, or you're never gonna be able to, then you're fucked. If you walk around believing this is not gonna happen, it can't happen. And the reason it can't happen is because someone else in power is not gonna let it happen. You just fucking eat a bullet. And I don't mean shoot yourself. I mean eat bullets until you die.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because eventually he would. Brian?

[Caller Brian]

Yeah?

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever you do, do it the best you can. What are you doing right now?

[Caller Brian]

I'm looking at my wife on the phone with her doctor.

[Adam Carolla]

You look at her the best you can.

[Caller Brian]

It's time to get to the hospital, so. Okay, well, appreciate all your vice. Thanks, man. And I just hope. I hope that kids have learned behaviors and they're not.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, your kids will be fine. Your kids will be fine.

[David Wilde]

Can I suggest one name for Brian? Why don't you name him after your hero? Adam Carolla. Name him Hero.

[Adam Carolla]

Hero. That's right. Your hero, Adam Carolla. Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

If I were in labor and my husband were on the phone with Adam Carolla, I don't know how I would feel about that.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, if I were gonna name my kid hero, I just want to talk.

[Allison Rosen]

To the ace man.

[Adam Carolla]

I would do the hero with the G, like the Greek word.

[Brian Bishop]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And that way everyone would have to call me a hero. But I wouldn't seem like a sack of shit. Like a little lamb.

[Allison Rosen]

Unassuming. Like a sandwich.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Like, if you did the hero, like the jiro, then you'd have to go. And you could say it like, you go, well, it's pronounced hero. And then no one would think you were a douchebag.

[David Wilde]

And if you had a girl, you could name her feta. So it would be. Here's a photo of Hiro with feta.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, let's see. She's an A cup. You call her flatbread. Joshua.

[Caller Brian]

Hey.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, man. 28, from Visalia. What's going on?

[Caller Brian]

That's me, 28. Bought a house two years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Winner.

[Caller Brian]

Yeah, he can suck my ace on my roof.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's my buddy Ray. He doesn't have a house.

[Caller Brian]

I gotta say hi to Allison. Allison, I love you. You're my best friend.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Caller Brian]

Don't worry about your wedding. Do not worry about your wedding, girlfriend. It's going to be the best party you've ever thrown and you're going to love it.

[Allison Rosen]

Thanks, girlfriend.

[Adam Carolla]

So positive.

[Caller Brian]

Yeah. And bald. I love you. I'm glad you're still kicking and kicking ass and dropping drops and. Dawson, you're sexy and I love your voice.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, thanks, Joshua.

[Caller Brian]

Anyway, yeah, I'm having a baby in April. On April 3rd.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Look who's straight. That's the sitcom?

[Brian Bishop]

No, no, it arrives from China.

[Caller Brian]

Pretty good at making babies.

[Adam Carolla]

Imported. So when the kid. When the kid passes customs, you're. No problemo.

[Caller Brian]

We only tried for two cycles and got pregnant in Hawaii. And it was. Yeah, I'm nervous. I'm scared shitless. I know twins are way harder than a single child, but that wasn't my original question.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, hold on a second. Hold on. I swear to you, it's temperament, as we talked about all the time. I brought Sonny into the shop the other day. I don't think I said this, but we were all sitting. Oh, my God. We were sitting in the back having a spirited conversation, trying to figure some stuff out. And Sonny was just standing next to us, and he was bouncing his basketball. And it was quite loud and annoying when we're trying to. I was trying to have the porcelain punisher send out an email, and he kept bouncing his ball. So I said, sonny, could you please stop bouncing the ball? And he just held it, because that's how he is. Natalia would bounce it five more times, and eventually Lynette would scream, stop. You know, and she drives everyone insane. But he'd Just stop it. And then he said, I'd like to bounce my ball, but I can't do it in here. Can I go bounce my ball outside? And then he said, yeah, you can go stand in the parking lot and bounce your ball. And they said, okay. And he went in the parking lot. And I don't know, 20, 25 minutes later, Gary Halftart said, you think Sonny's still in the parking lot? And I thought, I. He's a good kid, but maybe. I don't hear any ball bouncing.

[Caller Brian]

Natalia would be gone.

[Brian Bishop]

Cuts the ball bouncing slowly across the street.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, slow motion and the swing going with nobody in it. And I went, oh, yeah, he's out there. And I sort of jogged out to the front door, and I opened the front door, gone, no Sonny, no ball bouncing. And then I was like, holy shit. My first impulse is not, oh, my God, my son. It's, oh, my God, Lynette. She can kick shit out of me. She'll fucking kill me. And then I, you know, son's irreplaceable. And I went, oh, fuck. Where did he go? And I started to hustle out, and he was sitting in the back of my car playing a video game on his tablet. Just opened the door, got in, shut it, and was monkeying around with his, you know, Angry Birds. Quietly not bugging, you know, he doesn't say, I'm hungry. Can we eat? You just go, do you want to eat? Okay, that's it. Wherever you say you want to eat, whatever it is. So if you have one of him or two of him, it's not like raising a kid. It really isn't. Every morning on a Sunday, he may get up at 6am he'll turn on Phineas and Ferb. He'll sit there and watch it, and he'll play with his Legos. And at any point I come out of my room, he'll say, hello, Father, and that'll be that. And if I go, we're going to the warehouse today, he'll go, okay, and that'll be that. No problemo.

[Caller Brian]

The kissing on the lips thing is cute, and I love it, but what age does it stop?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Because he's very affectionate that way. I do that. I come from a family that. It's very stilted. It's very weird. And I realize that is something that needs to be practiced early and often, because kissing, hugging, physical affection. My family is fucked up and weird. And if they hug you, it feels like you stood there and somebody took an ironing board and just leaned it against you. And then you get the weird pat on the back with the palm that's almost inverted, like where the fingers go back further than the actual palm does. And you get that thump, thump, thump on your back. And there's always that weird thing when they're leaving. Like, okay, see a mom. I realize it's the weirdest. And I remember as a kid having like friends of like my grandparents or something. There would always be the one, you know, Judy Brooks, the gregarious Jewish lady who'd always, oh, come here, Adam. You know, it was always. And I was nine, I was like terrified that she was gonna hug me or kiss me or something just cause she was Jewish. Yeah, yeah. I didn't want to get any Jews, you know, on me. I didn't know at the time I could shower it off. Hero. Now I know.

[David Wilde]

Just anti Semitic Jew.

[Adam Carolla]

Just a little denatured alcohol and a loofah and I'll Jew come right off. Back then you think it's forever.

[Brian Bishop]

It's a jus.

[Adam Carolla]

A jus. Gesundheit. It's funny, the gesundheit took care of the Azus, didn't they? The point is this, okay? It was so uncomfortable and so weird and so fucked up. And now I look back on it, it's like, oh, yeah, my weirdo family that couldn't express any kind of affection. They weren't stern people, they were fucked up people. There's a difference between getting back to it. But the dad and the Sound of Music or I don't know, the Great Santini or something like that, that's different. That wasn't my family. My family was withdrawn, fucked up in just a kind of sort of inner withdrawn mess. And so any form of affection or praise or anything like that felt very weird and uncomfortable. And then once that's not set up early, it's just fucking weird after that. And it's hard to get it out of you. So I'm trying to go over the top with it with my son. And the kissing on the lips part, I don't know when that's going to go away.

[David Wilde]

It doesn't.

[Adam Carolla]

It doesn't.

[David Wilde]

I don't think it has to.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, but when should I stop with the tongue? All right. Ah, where am I talking about here? Ah, education match. That's what I want to talk about. You want to get yourself up, you want to get yourself out, you want to dust yourself off, you want to make 2014 a great year. You start. I don't Know if you guys know this, people with a college degree earn $1 million more over the course of their lives than people who don't. And I think it comes in one lump.

[Brian Bishop]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

I think, I'm not sure. I gotta look into it. I think it comes like your 62nd birthday and you just get a suitcase.

[Brian Bishop]

It's worth the wait.

[Adam Carolla]

And it's a nickel.

[Allison Rosen]

It's not worth the wait.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, it's gonna be awesome. Oh, no, not. Oh, wait a minute for you guys expect that.

[Brian Bishop]

Tell me about it. Any day now.

[Allison Rosen]

One more. 62.

[Adam Carolla]

Call Education Match today. 855-507-0607. Opportunities tailored for your lifestyle and needs, including online and traditional campus programs. Certificates, diplomas, associates, bachelor's, master's, even doctoral degrees, all there. Call Education Match toll free. Give them a call. 855-507-0607. You can speak to a dedicated representative and find the right option for you. Let's face it, you got to get educated, you got to compete, you got to make money, and you got to be able to support your family so that later on when we make sitcoms about you, we can portray you as a lazy buffoon. 855-507-0607. All right, let's see one more.

[David Wilde]

Can I ask Allison a question before the call?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[David Wilde]

You know, this is a fan question from me for Allison. What age were you when you learned that your family was in fact Jewish in some way?

[Allison Rosen]

22.

[David Wilde]

So did you ever. This is a. There's a lot of self hating Jews in a different way. But did you ever have, do you remember having an anti Semitic thought before you knew that you were Jewish?

[Adam Carolla]

Poignant.

[Allison Rosen]

I really was really upset when people thought I was Jewish and insisted I was Jewish. And in retrospect, that is somewhat anti Semitic. And I did grow up with this idea that, like, I hesitate. Jews can be so appreciated. Like, yeah, honestly, to a degree probably.

[Adam Carolla]

Now it is true. It's the ultimate anti Semitic thought because I am half Italian. But ever since I got into comedy, I seem very Jewish and I correct people. But I guess you would correct people if you were Cuban and someone said you were Mexican.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, to me, it felt like they were telling me I was a liar, which I was, but I did not realize I was lying. That's the thing. So, I mean, it bothered me that people couldn't just list didn't had to tell me how I was not telling the truth.

[Commercial Announcer]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But what is the cool. What is a cool. See, Italian. I'm Half Italian, not full Italian, but I think Italian is a cool nationality. I'm trying to think of the cool nationalities.

[David Wilde]

Everything that happens with lower SATs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. No, it's a better schnoz and lower test scores. I've always said it. Everything else is kind of the same. Kind of the same. But I'm trying to think of who's got the. You know, there's weird ones that like, if you're Hungarian, people are like, oh, that's interesting. Like they're ones that are kind of pushes where you're Native American. Little that in here.

[Allison Rosen]

People like to claim that.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like that was riding pretty high with Cher and Billy jack in the 70s. But maybe some of the bloom is off that rose.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't hear it that much anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

It's funny, people used to claim a lot of it. Like a lot of celebrities would be one 18th and one 16th and one whatever. Not so much. Not clinging to that one so much anymore. Hispanic, at least if you're here from California, is a little boring. Feels a little like been there and done that.

[Allison Rosen]

If you want to get into news, though, it's good.

[Adam Carolla]

French has a little baggage attached to it, definitely. German is one of the Louis Vuitton.

[Allison Rosen]

German also has some baggage.

[Adam Carolla]

It has baggage, but it also has some, all right, that guy's good at something kind of vibe to it. You know what I mean? Like when the guy says, like my brother in law, he's a German architect, you know, and they go, that guy's a good architect.

[David Wilde]

Our handyman Frank always says, fine German handiwork. That's every time everything.

[Adam Carolla]

He does pay 175 bucks an hour. But I mean, yeah, those guys have. If they're from that world, they're organized. They have an entire system of journeymen and apprenticeships and stuff like that. It's not like me who just started digging on a job site and kind of watched other guys that were drunk and stoned and figured things out. These guys are like sort of technically trained. I mean, it's pretty simple. If somebody said, look, you want to get on that airplane, and that airplane was made by Germans or Mexicans or Argentinians or whatever it is, Russians, you'd have some thoughts. You would pause for a second, right? Like the Italian plane would look really cool, but I'm not sure if I'd probably get on the German plane, which wouldn't look quite as cool, but would probably work a little bit better. That's way off of preconceived notions have.

[David Wilde]

You ever stepped on an airplane and go, I do not want to be on this plane. I stepped on Royal Air Maraque and was like, there, there's goats nose Jew. That was not a good choice. I did not like Royal Air Mara.

[Allison Rosen]

Can I add one thing to your question? I grew up with this idea that there's this thing in Jews, and at the time, I did not realize that we were where they feel the need to self identify, even if it will put them in harm's way. Like, even if it's not safe to be Jewish. Jewish people feel the need to say, I'm a Jew.

[David Wilde]

I do it here all the time.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, well, there's some truth to that. Although I don't think it's unsafe anymore. So I think that the message in show business.

[David Wilde]

Do you know what, you know what risk I take mentioning in show business?

[Allison Rosen]

The message of that, though, was there's something negative about people who won't just blend in and assimilate. You know, I think that's what my parents were. Without really saying it, saying it. So, yeah, it's a real fucked up situation.

[Adam Carolla]

What's the porcelain punisher over there? She got any of that in him? He's got some.

[Allison Rosen]

He does have some of that, doesn't he?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he's, you know, as I am mistaken for Jew.

[Allison Rosen]

Isn't he like half that?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, people do. His dad's an attorney, so that people do.

[Brian Bishop]

Strike one.

[Adam Carolla]

People don't know. Look, let's face it, people do some profiling and it's, you know, most of it is based on something. If your dad was Winston cup champion, Chet Fondelier, I don't think people would go, are you Jewish? Seem weird, right? Well, it'd be weird, right? But if you go, my dad's an attorney. Oh, see? So what do you got in you? Jewish? Both sides. Yeah. Get back to spinning that dread. Okay, Let's take real fast. Up top. Hey, Mike. Chicago.

[Caller Brian]

Hey, how's it going? How's it going, guys?

[Adam Carolla]

Good question.

[Caller Brian]

Yeah, so I. My little resolution was to try and shame people a little more. Kind of like you do, I guess. I was wondering if you have any tips on effective shaming. What I mean is that you can sit there and maybe shame people and you get a nice fuck you. You know, being a millionaire and have.

[Brian Bishop]

A podcast is pretty effective. For 25 from Chicago, you could make an antisocial dick.

[Adam Carolla]

I realize, like, I'm working on a TV show right now for the first time in a long time, and I say a lot of shitty things to people that are paying me. And I don't think they would take that from other people. But as I look back on it, if I was lower down on the totem pole, I'd probably get shitcanned a thousand times from every job I have. But they sort of have to be.

[Allison Rosen]

They probably wish they could.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure they do. They kind of have to be nice to me or at least tolerant of me. I think there's a way to sort of have the truth. The plan is not to shame people. Cuz shaming people does not get you the results that you want. If you look at people sort of like dogs.

[Brian Bishop]

So far so good.

[Adam Carolla]

And I want you guys to know I don't look at you as small dogs, if that's any consolation.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I don't know how to take that actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I don't like small dogs.

[Allison Rosen]

I know, but you're calling us big dogs.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I like a meat, I like a lab, you know what I mean? I like to give it a little belly rub, that's all. So if you look at people like dogs and you go, I want them to do what I would like them to do for them and for me. But what I don't want to do is freak them out, scare them, make, you know, like you don't want to start screaming at your dog and hitting it with a, with a slipper because your dog's just going to start pissing right then and there on the spot. And if you, if your dog is freaked out, you're not going to be able to potty train your dog. So what you want to motivate your dog, you want to motivate your dog. And so if you intimidate people or you shame people, they don't, you won't get the positive outcome that you'll probably want.

[Brian Bishop]

Offer them treats.

[Caller Brian]

Yeah, I have a good example. If you got time.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't, but make it fast.

[Caller Brian]

The apartment building I live in, it's really old. You see a hotel building and they have a trash chute on each floor and has its own little room and everything. So you pull the trash chute, put the trash in. And my apartment, you know, mates or whatever you want to say is they're leaving their trash in this little room instead of taking the extra four seconds to put the trash in the chute. So make the hallway smell like shit, there's flies everywhere, what the heck.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. No, I understand. And then you have to start leaving those notes to whoever is peeing on the Toilet seat, please have the decency for other people. It's so sad that you have to write those kinds of notes. But, yeah, taking the trash to the trash room and then setting it there and going back in is really. It's not quite leaving the cap off the Starbucks cask, but it is. It's up there. It's up there. Now, this person would say, I guarantee you, when you open the chute, it smells nauseating, so screw it. Right?

[Allison Rosen]

It always does.

[Adam Carolla]

But someone else is going to have to hold it open for another five seconds to get your shit down there. Now, why should they be effing extra nauseated? But, Mike, what did you do to remedy this?

[Caller Brian]

Well, that's what I was trying to figure out, because I know if I leave a note, all I'm gonna get is kind of like a F you or go to hell written on my note. And I'm not gonna.

[Adam Carolla]

I think there's a way. I think there's a way to Just says to whoever's doing this, could you please be more considerate of those who live in the building with you and toss it in and see what happens? It's a little. Sort of a shame, but pointed toward them, but without the slap in the face and the attack. I'm telling you, we're talking the other night.

[Allison Rosen]

Or tattle to the apartment manager.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, or just do that move where you hang out on the ceiling like Tom Cruise with a fucking gill net and come down on top of them. I've said it once, but I'll say it again. We were talking yesterday about the amazing number of sort of non shitty tweets that I get from people that listen to the show. But as I've said, the few. The handful of ones where it's like, oh, fuck you, Carolla. You suck. You're not funny anymore. Let the guest talk and blah, blah, blah, and shut up and let Dr. Drew answer the question, whatever it is. And that end with, I used to be a fan. I'm no longer a fan. Seeing another life. I write back every time, sorry you feel that way, but thank you for the time you did listen. And they always come back and go, I'm sorry, I was drunk, or it's cool, I guess I'll hang out. If you write fuck you, die, then they come back with one more that goes, see you in hell, and then you're done. If you write back, sorry you feel that way, but thank you for the time we did spend together. They always come back. It's been almost 100% that they come back and go, sorry, I was blowing off some steam.

[David Wilde]

Someone tried to pit us against each other on Twitter this week, or I think it was Sunday or something where they wrote, I'm either gonna have to unfollow. They were at 100 followers. Oh, I saw Adam Crawler or me. I didn't think it was much of a competition.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[David Wilde]

But I think we both fought to keep their followers.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[David Wilde]

And I think they kept following us both.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Because you're all valuable to David Weil.

[David Wilde]

I'm trying to get to 30,000 by the Grammy. So I need every one of you.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you can go to Wild About Music. You can also watch the Grammys. Sunday, CBS, 8pm See what happens. I want to see that. Salute to the Beatles. Tyler Levine.

[David Wilde]

I got one more show and I got the breakthrough prizes with Kevin Spacey hosting on Science Channel the day after the Grammys at Ed Heirs.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. La dee da Kevin Spacey. I don't see him pop. Could you. Would Kevin Spacey come on this podcast? I'll ask. He seems like a super bright guy.

[Brian Bishop]

Doesn't really.

[David Wilde]

He's hysterical. He's great.

[Adam Carolla]

But he does. I don't feel like he does that much stuff or I see him around, but when I do see him around, he never disappoints.

[David Wilde]

Well, for years he was running like the theater company in London and was always there when he wasn't acting here. But I think he's not anymore. So I'll ask him if he'll at least call in to promote the show.

[Brian Bishop]

He's got a great. He's great comedically.

[Adam Carolla]

I think he's a super talented guy.

[David Wilde]

I wrote this open for him for the show you'll see on the Science Channel, and he literally said, I love these jokes. I'm just gonna do them as Johnny Carson and listed five other people. So he did exactly what I wrote, but did it in five different voices like Christopher Walken did. Just did.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone again, super talent. All right, Tyler Levine, actor. Let's see Rise of Planet of the Apes, Zach and Mary Make a porn and a bunch of other stuff. But also I got hip to him because he's got a movie coming out and I wanted to see the DP that was doing the movie, did his movie, is going to do my movie Road Hard. So I watched it. I really enjoyed Tyler's work, invited him on and we'll talk to him next. I think he just went Bruckheimer on our ass.

[Brian Bishop]

Walked off stage.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck it.

[Tyler Levine]

That Was me actually called in earlier.

[Adam Carolla]

Tyler Leine. It is Lean. Right? I'm screwing that up.

[Tyler Levine]

You're nailing it.

[Adam Carolla]

Couple things. Someone Mary. Barry. He's Barry. Very funny movie. I just watched it. The reason I watch it mainly was to look at Morton, the DP. DPs sort of underrated. Everyone talks about directors, director of photography, Director of photography. Everybody sort of. Well, not people in the business, but people in reality. I'm sure Scorsese works with the same guy or someone who's a master.

[Brian Bishop]

Usually a great director will have his guy or make a series of movies with the same guy.

[Tyler Levine]

Yeah, it's like a symbiotic relationship. After a while, I think they can't live without each other.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So this guy Morton's really good. So I watch, and I really love the movie. And I love Tyler in it. Tyler was great.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Brian brought up another movie that Tyler was in as well in the Bio.

[Brian Bishop]

But Tucker and Dale versus Evil. I'm sure you get this all the time. It's a fantastic movie. So, you know, the slasher in the woods, cabin in the woods type of thing has been done since. In movies since time immemorial. And it's finally, you know, run its course. And it's nice that people are, you know, giving a new spin. And it's hilarious and it's fun, and it's a great movie. 80 something percent of Rotten Tomatoes. You were great. I love the movie.

[Tyler Levine]

Thank you very much. Yeah, it's a bit of a genre bender, you know, we had fun doing it.

[Adam Carolla]

And someone. Mary Berry is in select theaters February 7th, and then available on video on demand, itunes, Amazon. You know what to do, man. Support the pirate ship. Click on through AdamCarroll.com, hit the Amazon banner, bookmark it and help us pay the bills around here. And you can do that on February 13th. Also, Hulu original Series Deadbeat.

[Tyler Levine]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

And how does the Hulu Original Series work?

[Tyler Levine]

I have no idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it pitched like you think? It's like, I'm trying to figure out, is Hulu and these other kind of places, are they eventually gonna become the man? You know how no one starts off as the man and then eventually everyone becomes the man?

[Tyler Levine]

Right now they're like, fuck the man. In 10 years, they're gonna be like, we're the fucking man.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Yeah.

[Tyler Levine]

That's sort of like, I think how they're positioning themselves right now. Especially Netflix. Like, everyone's watching Netflix in the last, like, three years. Kind of like they won eight Golden Globes and.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure, whatever.

[Tyler Levine]

You know, like if you had a. Told almost anybody in town five years ago, hey, we want you to do a Netflix show, they would have said, shove it up your ass. There's no way.

[Adam Carolla]

And Blockbuster will be out of business and then Netflix gonna have a bunch of original programming.

[Tyler Levine]

That was hard for everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Whole new world. Well, listen, any place that doesn't distribute porn, I just can't ethically, I cannot. I can't stand by that.

[Allison Rosen]

They did not.

[Tyler Levine]

I have a porn distributor in my living room. It's called a computer.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, that's what I'm saying. But you know how there's certain black entertainers wouldn't play sun city in the 80s? That was me. With Blockbuster and porn, you turned your.

[Brian Bishop]

Back and they were dead to you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Tyler Levine]

Wow. So you didn't care when they were going out of business. Left, right and center, you were like, good.

[Adam Carolla]

Arriva Durchi or whatever it is that works. Yeah.

[Tyler Levine]

I think Hulu, if I'm.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't let your own door hit you on the way out in the ass. That's right.

[Tyler Levine]

Hulu is basically in direct competition with Netflix. They're at a much smaller level, but they've been around for a little bit longer. But I think that's it. Everyone's now trying to do it. Like WGN is starting to do it now.

[Adam Carolla]

Remember them, right?

[Tyler Levine]

A local carrier in like Chicago or something. Chicago station.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. They had a weird sound. I don't know why that went along. If we find the wgn. Yes. It was a sound of quiet. It was a quiet saunter of a disappointed fan as it left a turnstile deafening sound. No, they. WGN had like a weird, like, remember those, you know, Viacom or whatever even. I don't know, Mary Tyler Moore had her own thing. MTN things. Their weird little tag.

[Tyler Levine]

Also at one point they're there. I remember their logo looked slightly like, like. Like cowboyish. I feel like there was horseshoes in it at one point.

[Adam Carolla]

We'll find it.

[Tyler Levine]

We will.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, the. The Hulu series gonna. Gonna be out. The movie gonna be out. You can go to Tyler's website. What's your background, Tyler? Where are you from?

[Tyler Levine]

I'm Canadian. Yeah. Let the jokes begin. If you must, but.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, you hide it.

[Adam Carolla]

We like Canadians.

[Tyler Levine]

Oh, do I? I think I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Tyler Levine]

It's years and years of. Let me put it this way. When I was 13 and I worked on my first American production, I said, oat Once, not even oot. I said like, oh, let's go out. And they were like, oh, cut, cut, cut. And then like. And then continued to like ridic 13 year old kid on set until I was basically scared shitless to never sound Canadian again. So that's, that's how come I sound.

[Allison Rosen]

So how's house for you?

[Tyler Levine]

House is fine.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, see.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Canadian sounding.

[Tyler Levine]

I know. My mom's American too. I almost said American. I wanted to go right, like way overboard.

[Allison Rosen]

Dr. Bruce style.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So you started really young.

[Tyler Levine]

I started when I was nine in Toronto. That's the only thing I can't, I can't not say like a Canadian. Toronto.

[Allison Rosen]

How did you get into it?

[Tyler Levine]

Yeah, I have two brothers, my little brother, my older brother and I, we were very enterprising young men with a Kyocera video camera. And my parents were just kind of shocked when we started auditioning kids in the neighborhood and like, you know, writing screenplays and auditioning my grandmother and shit like that. They're like, do you guys want to like make movies? And we were like, what do you mean? We are making movies. We do this, you know. And they were like, let's go downtown and get an agent and we'll talk to them. And we know what an agent was. We had no idea.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like our parents would have went, hey, knock it off. Yeah, make movies somewhere else.

[Brian Bishop]

And how do you let your grandma down? Easy to replace her on set. That's just not working out.

[Allison Rosen]

Did she walk in and see if.

[Tyler Levine]

We kill her off, we kill her off. I mean it's classic, it's Hollywood 101. We just kill her off.

[Adam Carolla]

So the brothers act as well.

[Tyler Levine]

Yeah. My younger brother is still active as an actor. He lives in Toronto. He owns a theater, like a black box theater, which he kind of took the. He thinks I'm a big fucking sellout. He took the more sort of grassroots approach and opened like a black book black box theater in Toronto.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that like a 99 seat or something generous?

[Tyler Levine]

It's like a 42 seater in Toronto.

[Adam Carolla]

But like here I think the equity waiver stuff would be a hundred or below or so. They have a lot of 99 seaters.

[Tyler Levine]

Now you're talking about.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

What are you talking about?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. All I know is everybody improv troupe I've ever been in was at a 99. Even if it was 39, it was 99. You couldn't go. I think once you got into 100, you had to start paying the actors.

[Tyler Levine]

Understood. Okay, so it's a 99er. It's what you're talking about, basically. And he's great. He's awesome. He directs, he acts, he does all that. And then my older brother is a writer and director who I've made a movie with already called Control, Alt, Delete. That's one for the kids. It's where I fuck computers. Before Spike Jones and Joaquin Phoenix were in this business, right, we made a computer where I literally drill holes into the side of computers and put my penis inside of them.

[Brian Bishop]

That's the subtext there.

[Tyler Levine]

There is no subtext. It's just, you know, what you see is what you get. I think the thing we walked away from, from that movie was that you fuck a PC and you marry a Mac. That was sort of the interesting.

[Allison Rosen]

I was just wondering what kind of computers you were fucking in the movie.

[Tyler Levine]

PC, predominantly. No laptops. It was circa 99, so PCs were very PC.

[David Wilde]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

The movie takes place and it's pre Y2K.

[Tyler Levine]

It's the. It's leading up to the whole Y2K. Hub. Hub.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. I'm getting old and feeling depressed that we're doing sort of retro movies and going back to 1999.

[Tyler Levine]

Don't worry, every critic felt the same.

[Adam Carolla]

Eyeballing your computer.

[Tyler Levine]

That's me just hiding my. My average sized penis behind that keyboard there.

[Adam Carolla]

Now we need. All we need is the WGN logo with the sound.

[Tyler Levine]

Maybe they don't even have one.

[Adam Carolla]

They probably don't. We're making it up. All right, Allison, you got some news for us? Sure do, Tyler. Hang out. Crack wise. We'll make fun of life together. Oh, let's see if we have something. Let's see. We didn't get any sound. All right, top left. No. Okay. That was wg. I don't know why.

[Brian Bishop]

I think it's like a newer, updated version of the old is the same.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that was the news, too, when they placed their logo. Yeah, they do. Their logo. Yeah.

[Tyler Levine]

You're talking about, like, their station identification.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tyler Levine]

Not the news.

[Adam Carolla]

That's like the news that's going into the nightly news or whatever. Or local news or whatever. All right, we'll figure it out. Anyway.

[Commercial Announcer]

The News with Allison Rosen.

[Tyler Levine]

She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip. It's Allison. Allison. You can remove the naked picture, Tyler, by the way, I mean, Allison. It's in her bank.

[Tyler Levine]

I think you should have that posted up here 247 from now on.

[Allison Rosen]

So a new video of Rob Ford has emerged. He's back in the news.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone's talking about Tony.

[Tyler Levine]

Yeah, Been watching those mashups lately of our fearless leader.

[Allison Rosen]

We're gonna have to get your take on this. So in November, he said that he quit drinking, but he clearly has not. In this video. He's in a fast food restaurant talking, and he's talking about police surveillance. And he's calling Police Chief Bill Blair a derogatory name, which. It's hard to tell what he's. It's really hard to.

[Tyler Levine]

Is that what it said there at the bottom of the screen? Bumba clot?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. What is that?

[Tyler Levine]

Bumba clot is like a Jamaican or Trinidadian term for, like. I think it's like pussy. Like, you're.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, well, there you go.

[Adam Carolla]

See, he's trying.

[Allison Rosen]

There's. They're saying he's trying to do a Jamaican accent in the video. We have a little clip. I had trouble telling what he was saying.

[Adam Carolla]

It takes me around five months. More deeply in love with this guy. Every time he releases a video, bro.

[Tyler Levine]

We'Re counter surveilling the guy.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? He's hiding here, behind here. Oh, no. How much money that cost? He's totally sober.

[Tyler Levine]

What's everybody talking about?

[Adam Carolla]

I said, you know what? Your eyes cry, but I swear to God, man. Honestly, man. So this is the goal, man. Seriously, Talking to, like, a Jamaican guy, too? Sounds like it. Although I'm confused. A lot of white guys with dreads and I don't know what's going on with the Canadians and the Jamaicans, so I can't figure it out. Jamadians, we call them Jamadians.

[Tyler Levine]

Yeah, I just made that up. Right now.

[Adam Carolla]

I like it.

[Brian Bishop]

That could have been official business with the consulate from Jamaica. You never know.

[Adam Carolla]

Standing at the fast food joint.

[Tyler Levine]

That's how they do it in Burger King in Canada.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, it's a sign of respect for him to speak his language then. Well, so not only did he say he would never drink again in November, he said that the public would never see a tape of him intoxicated again.

[Adam Carolla]

Does he? Well, first off, never make those kind of proclamations.

[Brian Bishop]

You got 40 years behind you. There's gotta be some more video.

[Tyler Levine]

Even to friends and family, let alone, you know, publicly as a leader in.

[Adam Carolla]

Your speaking about family. What's his status?

[Allison Rosen]

What does that mean?

[Brian Bishop]

While you're looking.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I mean, no family. What's his Status. Is he family man? I believe he's married.

[Tyler Levine]

I think he's got two kids. I think he's got. I know he's got at least a daughter and a wife.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, he's got a wife because remember he said he had plenty to eat at home.

[Tyler Levine]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah. But I mean, is she coming out? Is she doing. I don't know where she is.

[Tyler Levine]

Is she ever out there doing damage control for him or is she just as vile as he is?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Like, you know, Anthony Weiner, like, you know, we have much. Our version of this guy is a super skinny guy that takes pictures of his cock and sends it around super boring. And he's, like, really uptight and he's not fucked up. He's not doing a Jamaican accent or anything. Right. So we have a super, like, G rated. Well, maybe It's a peachy 13. I know, but then the guy gets up there and his wife, and they're both real dour and their faces like star. Like angelfish. And they just sit there and they hit their talking points. They don't tell them they're probably very gluten free. Yeah.

[Tyler Levine]

Oh, yeah. Not just gluten free, but extremely. They're paleo.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, she looks dour.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Tyler Levine]

Is that his wife, though?

[Brian Bishop]

Jesus.

[Tyler Levine]

He must just clobber her in bed. She is terrified of him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'm guessing he's more of a coaster than a tumbler, as we like to call in the business. I think he's at the bottom and probably passed out quite a bit too.

[Tyler Levine]

Rather than a tumbler.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I've never heard that. I made it up, but it's good. I wish. Top and bottom is so derogatory.

[Tyler Levine]

It is, it is.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? It's demeaning and it shows almost little to no imagination. Are you a top or are you a bottom?

[Brian Bishop]

There are many things that go on top and on the bottom. Find some.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That's my whole point. Do I have to do all the work for the gays? Jesus Christ.

[Tyler Levine]

I'm trying to think of another, like, you made it sound so simple. Now I'm trying to think of another clever top and bottom analogy here.

[Brian Bishop]

Horse and saddle.

[Tyler Levine]

Horse and saddle.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Tyler Levine]

I'm going like picture frame and mantle piece. It's too complicated.

[Adam Carolla]

You whipp your jimmies. Oh, all right. That's giving it a little happier.

[Brian Bishop]

Are you the wax or the wick?

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Wax of the wick or the wax of the fender? Depends. You know could be carnauba.

[Caller Brian]

Yeah.

[Tyler Levine]

Wick rhymes too much with dick, though. That could get confusing, I feel like.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, buckets or T tops, that'd be up above the pocket seat there, right? And that sounds good. That sounds solid. Like buckets or T tops. You know what I mean? Like, that thing could be passed around.

[Tyler Levine]

I wanted to use that. I mean, obviously trademarked.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute, wait a minute. And this is a little double entendre here. Mustache or beard? You know what I mean?

[Tyler Levine]

Gay, straight, top, bottom. You got it all in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Kind of. Kind of stash your brow. I like that one, too, because it sounds like a good. Sounds like good German beer. But are you stash or your brow? Bunch of these things.

[Caller Brian]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yarmulke or scalp?

[Tyler Levine]

Yeah, a little bumpy, but very close together, you know, there's like, very minimal separation between yarmulke and the scalp.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Chicken or breading?

[Tyler Levine]

Chicken or breading?

[Allison Rosen]

Fist or mitt?

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. Yeah, okay.

[Tyler Levine]

Triple on top.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Turns it on its head, but yeah. Yeah. If I'd had a couple of cocktails in me, I'd have to really, like. Really. I would. I'd pause before I answered. You know what I mean?

[Tyler Levine]

You're gonna punch somebody.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Tyler Levine]

That's not good.

[Adam Carolla]

That's Canadian, but you're making.

[Tyler Levine]

It might be one of those Canadian things I don't. I'm not aware of.

[Adam Carolla]

Ear them up again. Leading people down the wrong path, but.

[Brian Bishop]

Still an extra level of thinking there, for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

When you asked, speaking of family, what's his status? I thought you were asking, is he in the Mafia? That's how much I did not take it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm always trying to. I always want to know when I see the guys who wear the crazy cowboy boots or act in a certain way or think it'd be a good idea to wear suede vest or something to a funeral or something like that. I always go, where's his wife? Where's this guy's wife?

[Tyler Levine]

You want to see who's, like, allowing this to happen or not? Laying down the lawn.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like, who's the one who's walking out to the car with this buffoon and not going, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going? Just nodding your head like, no cost. You don't wear fringe to a funeral. Get the fuck back in and get something tasteful, like, you know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

But don't. Don't you get the sense with this guy that he does what he wants?

[Adam Carolla]

He does, but I just want to Know who that woman in his life is again? Who that Tumblr is?

[Tyler Levine]

There are bigger battles to be fought, bigger fish to fry, than whether he's wearing fringe to a funeral. There's a lot of demons there, I think.

[Allison Rosen]

So, as a Toronto. Is that really the word?

[Adam Carolla]

You nailed it.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow. What's your take on Ford?

[Tyler Levine]

Oh, man, there's been so much like, okay, my fellow Torontonians might think I'm an asshole for saying this, but part of me kind of likes him.

[Adam Carolla]

I kind of like him, too.

[Tyler Levine]

There's like. And, I mean, he. There's a reason why he's probably getting elected again. And it's like, you know, like, there's something about him. It's like, it's my cousin Brandon fucking shotgunning like a mickey of vodka by the fire and then puking in the lake, you know, it's like. You're just like, yeah, do it, do it, do it, man. See what happens when you bong that mickey?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you the sad truth with politicians, I really do believe this. If this guy was a airline pilot or schoolteacher or bus driver, possibly even a garbage man, you'd go, there's no way we can let him to continue doing his job in this state. But because we're sort of. Of used to politicians not really doing anything that we're aware of. I mean, there's a lot of them stumping for other politicians, having fundraisers, going to galas, being photographed with celebrities at events, Super Bowls and things like that. But we never actually see them work. No. And we don't exactly know what they do. And then when they go on vacation, nothing ever seems to change. And I have this theory that we don't. The bar's not too high on these guys.

[Brian Bishop]

There's a feeling I don't expect much.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you have this thing where it's like, Toronto's pretty good city, seems to kind of run itself, and you have a bloated alcoholic running it, except for he's down at the church's chicken drinking, so the city's basically doing fine without him.

[Tyler Levine]

Patois.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And I don't feel, again, the bar is higher for your school. If this guy was my. My twin school teacher would be like this. Oh, this is an out, people would be an outrage. Right. Bus driver, pilot. You almost name the job, cop, whatever, fireman, almost anything you'd go, if this guy stood out on the corner and spun the thing around that had the tire center and the arrow on it, you'd probably go, I don't trust him to do that job with that cardboard.

[Tyler Levine]

He'S gonna drop that thing.

[Adam Carolla]

But running a major city, you go, does he really run it so broad?

[Tyler Levine]

Exactly. It's like he's just like a. It's not actually coming down to this guy. And I think what he's done very successfully is that he sort of married mayoral politics with like the la. Like the, like the Housewives of Atlanta. Jonah, it's like he's a fucking trainer that people. Yeah, exactly. It's like he's this expose show. It's like exposing Toronto to the world.

[Adam Carolla]

And again, since he's not really having to do anything like fly an airplane or drive a school bus, just kind of be there.

[Tyler Levine]

Also, when was the last time you heard anybody in the United States talk this long about the mayor of Toronto? Oh, that's all I'm saying. Like, you know, not since John Candy bought the Argonauts. Cared about Toronto this much.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, how long. What are the terms over there?

[Tyler Levine]

The mayoral terms?

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What do we give them?

[Tyler Levine]

Jesus.

[Commercial Announcer]

Four years?

[Tyler Levine]

I'm gonna say four.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Tyler Levine]

I wish I knew more. I believe it's fairly standard.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Tyler Levine]

Yeah, I believe it's four.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

He announced that he will run again.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Tyler Levine]

People are. I mean, the polls are already. You know, maybe these are just shitty Internet polls, you know, but they're already saying that he's kind of a lock, which for me almost makes me more proud to be Canadian. I'm like, let him reign.

[Adam Carolla]

Your next comedy, your next comedy is the guy who's running against him, who you know, he's a Christian, he's family oriented, he's never touched a drop of alcohol. He worships and volunteers at the church every Sunday. And he finds out he's down double digits in the polls. And somebody explains to him, you gotta pack on some weight. You gotta start getting drunk in public. Out, Ford, you gotta. Yeah. Out.

[David Wilde]

Ford.

[Tyler Levine]

Ford.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? If this guy is drinking beer, you drink rum. If this guy's snorting coke, you smoke crack. If he's with two hookers, you get with five hookers.

[Tyler Levine]

Ford did smoke crack and he was caught on.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Look how good those numbers went through the roof. They spiked when they found out he smoked crack.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like Soul man, but for a Christian.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, right.

[Tyler Levine]

Soul Man, Nice reference, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

And he's got his daughter, he's got that 15 year old daughter, doesn't like what's going on, but he's explaining Mandy Moore, that this is what it. Right. This is what it takes to win the election. Once he gets into power, it'll stop. It'll stop. But she doesn't like him being a phone not man.

[Tyler Levine]

He spirals out and that someone has to teach him a lesson. Maybe the daughter.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Tyler Levine]

You know, I like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Tyler Levine]

And then everyone you know is better for it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but who ends up winning?

[Adam Carolla]

It becomes. Well, he ends up winning. But he. But he learns a valuable lesson. But it. But it becomes a. Who's the bigger train wreck? That's who the Torontonians are going to vote for.

[Tyler Levine]

It was just a. You didn't even stumble on that. He ends up winning. That's like. That's. You've already written.

[Adam Carolla]

I got it mapped out. I got the.

[Tyler Levine]

You get common.

[Brian Bishop]

He's broke to the bottom.

[Adam Carolla]

Race to the bottom. He broke the top. Yeah, like that.

[Tyler Levine]

Well, that's the tagline right there.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, we have elephants and donkeys. What do you guys have over there?

[Tyler Levine]

What do we have? We got a lot of cheese. Cheese curds.

[Adam Carolla]

You got an animal?

[Tyler Levine]

Yeah, beavers. Beavers and moose.

[Adam Carolla]

But you have a mascot for your political parties.

[Tyler Levine]

Oh, you're talking about. Oh, yeah. Tories and.

[Adam Carolla]

Huh?

[Tyler Levine]

Yeah, they're called Tories.

[Adam Carolla]

That band.

[Tyler Levine]

No shit. God, I'm so not Canadian anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

What happened? The Mangria has gotten to you. It's must with your mind, man.

[Tyler Levine]

Well, you've designed it to perform as such, my friend.

[Allison Rosen]

It's there to scramble and ketchup chips.

[Tyler Levine]

By the way, I'm drinking like a hundred proof sangria right now called Mangria. I'm sure your viewers. Viewers? It's already going to town on my head, man.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all right.

[Tyler Levine]

Your listeners know exactly what I'm talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

They do.

[Tyler Levine]

I'm sure there is a beaver in our sort of political system somewhere.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know how you expect to govern if you don't have a donkey.

[Tyler Levine]

Loons and beavers, man. Loons and beavers.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I want to know. I don't know what the fuck we have a still an elephant and a donkey for, But I don't get those.

[Tyler Levine]

I honestly don't. I don't know what the significance of those icons are, But.

[Adam Carolla]

None in 2014. But. But either way, Gary, you'll find it. All right, Allison, what do we got?

[Tyler Levine]

More impactful, I think, than a beaver and a loon. I think that's safe to say.

[Adam Carolla]

Just.

[Tyler Levine]

Even by way of.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it a beaver in a loon?

[Tyler Levine]

I don't know. I really don't.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be ironic if Ford was in the loon party. Ah, let me give you, let me, let me tune you on the loon in here. National Academy of Sports Medicine. You got a New Year's resolution? How about you get paid the big bucks? You do something you love. God, I was thinking about that today. Do a job you love, man. Work with people. Work with happy people. Find them in their good space.

[Allison Rosen]

You want to do that?

[Adam Carolla]

It's so much better. I stood in someone's kitchen today for like two hours and watched her cry while she yelled at her horrible contractor with her half finished kitchen. And even though that was not my reality for that five hours I stood there. Today it was. That was my job, watching this woman cry and yell at her shady contractor. And I thought, let's not make the same mistake the ace man has made. No, work with people. National Academy of Sports Medicine. Be a personal fitness trainer. There's a huge demand for it and you can get certified and they guarantee you'll land a job within 60 days of certification or your money back. Visit usatrainer.com today. Get started with your free 14 day sneak peek and you have fun. You can do it online. It's a 14 day trial. And again, if you don't get the gig in 60 days, you get your money [e-mail] that's usatrainer.com all right, let's. Yeah. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Ready for another story?

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Allison Rosen]

So remember, the cops raided Justin Bieber's house?

[Tyler Levine]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, they did.

[Tyler Levine]

Another Canadian. By the way, my interest has peaked.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. Yeah, well, I'll fill you in. They raided his house because his neighbor's house got egged and they suspected he did it. And so they got a search warrant to go into his house to try to find video from his surveillance camera.

[Adam Carolla]

It was like 1211 or 12 sheriff patrol cars rolled up on it. Like, if that's not a case of I want to check out the inside of the Biebs mansion, I don't know what the fuck is. And could someone please tell the sheriffs just sort of do what we pay you to do, not do what you feel like doing.

[Tyler Levine]

It's big action though. That is big action.

[Adam Carolla]

That is fun. It's a Biebs call.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's what they reportedly found in his house. But they didn't take it because they were there looking for the egg video footage. But this is what they say.

[Adam Carolla]

He egged his neighbor's house.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. So apparently he's into drugs. Two large cookie jars filled with weed, which Were in plain view. Four to five empty codeine bottles. I don't understand the four to five.

[Adam Carolla]

He's drinking the scissor, I think.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, well, we get to that. Right, so three bongs. One in the TV room, two in the kitchen. Styrofoam cups scattered throughout the house that had elaborate drawings on them, including the names of the people who used them. The cups were reportedly used for his drug of choice, Ciserp cserp.

[Tyler Levine]

Did you learn anything from Lil Wayne? I'm sorry, I just feel like Lil.

[Adam Carolla]

Wayne was a first off.

[Allison Rosen]

He likes to draw on them with markers after using them and then. Go ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying, if I was like 18 and a half or 19 and you gave me $50 million and sent me to Canada and told me I could hang out with all the people I wanted to hang out with, I just fucking run amok. I mean, he's just doing what I do believe he's just doing what me or anybody I went to high school would have done. If you gave us $50 million and said just work sporadically.

[Tyler Levine]

I have no qualms with the way Justin Bieber has been behaving. I feel like it's a normal. I'm not to get all Dave Chappelle here, but it's a normal response to a very fucked up situation that kid is in.

[Allison Rosen]

But he abandoned his monkey.

[Tyler Levine]

I thought you were gonna say mother. He abandoned his monkey?

[Allison Rosen]

No, he abandoned his monkey in Germany. Got quarantined. Molly. His monkey.

[Tyler Levine]

He named his monkey Molly.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe Mali. M A L L. Yeah. All right. I don't even think care you guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Have a monkey in part of your political set. We do.

[Tyler Levine]

I think you're right, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

That sound familiar?

[Tyler Levine]

I don't think her name is Molly, though.

[Adam Carolla]

We got a black Quebec Wa.

[Tyler Levine]

Yeah, they're just really crazy names. I don't think there's animals in them.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, there has to be a maple leaf. You guys gotta get your shit together.

[Tyler Levine]

Oh, those are the.

[Adam Carolla]

You got a rhino.

[Tyler Levine]

Rhinos are the Tories.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now that's a cool animal.

[Allison Rosen]

So you have a bunch of political.

[Adam Carolla]

Not indigenous to Canada, I believe, but.

[Tyler Levine]

You know what it's funny about that is that I literally. The last time I paid attention to Canadian politics. Really? I feel like there was only like four parties. There's like 12 up there now.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, elephants aren't indigenous to North America.

[Tyler Levine]

Yeah, but rhinos.

[Adam Carolla]

But we bring them in for our own entertainment.

[Tyler Levine]

It's like palm trees in California.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we like those.

[Tyler Levine]

They look Good here. They look natural.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But somewhere, at least the rhino feels weird in Canada. But maybe that's. Maybe it's the colder climate or something. I feel better.

[Brian Bishop]

It's definitely out of place when I.

[Adam Carolla]

See the elephant, when I go to the Great. Kevin Nealon spoke eloquently about the plight of the elephant in the LA Zoo. But when you go to the. When you go to the LA Zoo and it's July and it's 105 degrees outside and you see the elephant pen, it feels about right. Like, from a climate standpoint, like, it seems like if there was snow on the ground, it'd be weird.

[Tyler Levine]

Like you're thinking, if I was an elephant, elephant aces.

[Adam Carolla]

If I was elephant, I'd be freaked out if there was a place where it was snowing.

[David Wilde]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's Neyland, eloquently speaking in front of the Los Angeles City Council. Not anti zoo, but I am anti inadequate zoo. And I just want what's best for Billy the Elephant and not what's best for the LA Zoo. And it's. He's 50 seconds. I feel that. I mean, he's 10 seconds into one. An elephant has a choice to go to a.

[Tyler Levine]

He's on the prices. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Sanctuary, like the one down in Tennessee. I'm sure that they would take that in one second. From the history that we understand about the LA County Zoo, it's not a great place for elephants. You look at all the elephants that have died there since 1975, and it's not good. So I'm. I'm in favor of moving Billy out of the zoo, as I think everybody should be. And I'm sorry that so many people are misguided with the exhibit, for the plans for the exhibit as it exists now. Thank you. Black T shirts. Before Blackstone, it was 46 seconds long.

[Brian Bishop]

Felt a lot longer.

[Tyler Levine]

We had an issue.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry. If everyone is wearing a T shirt with your name on it, it's either a really good thing or a really fucking bad thing. It means you've been wrongly imprisoned or you're the victim of police violence or whatever the fuck it is, or it's the best day ever. Yeah.

[Tyler Levine]

You're a sports icon. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It just kind of depends if I gave you. All right, you can flip this magic coin. I'm not gonna give you a bunch of details, but there will be a lot of people wearing a shirt with your likeness and name on it.

[Tyler Levine]

I'd be like, like, let's make a 50, 50. You still wouldn't flip it.

[Adam Carolla]

I Don't think I would flip that coin.

[Brian Bishop]

Fundraiser for my cancer versus sold out show at the apartment.

[Allison Rosen]

Same thing. People chanting your name.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, absolutely.

[Tyler Levine]

That's true, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Tyler Levine]

Anything where your name is sort of the marquee element of the event.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, anytime your name is involved with an event that has candles pushed through paper plates, that's a definite no. That's a no.

[Allison Rosen]

Chasing you out of town.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Brian Bishop]

Lighters held up.

[Adam Carolla]

Lighters held up.

[Brian Bishop]

Different rock and roll.

[Adam Carolla]

Same. Same flame, different application. Nice.

[Tyler Levine]

I would like to point out one, we had an issue similar to the Billy the Elephant elephant, which was very touching to me. The Vancouver Aquarium, which is a very sort of special place for all of us Vancouverites. For whatever reason, in the 80s and 90s, they decided to have two polar bears in an open habitat in Vancouver. And Vancouver is the warmest province in Canada. Doesn't snow there. And these polar bears, it's not funny. These poor polar bears, they were yellow, all right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Tyler Levine]

They were weathered so badly, they turned yellow.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Tyler Levine]

And they literally withered up until they almost died. And they took care of them.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's when Neyland grabbed a microphone.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, they took care of them? But you just made some, like, washing their hands because.

[Tyler Levine]

I don't know. I literally don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

But they did survive.

[Tyler Levine]

There was a big hubbub about, well, get those polar bears out of there. They're dying. Polar bears are white, God damn it. You know, and they were turning yellow and they were, like, getting tanned. It was tan polar bears. And then they were gone.

[Adam Carolla]

That is the tan amount or equivalent to the flopped over dorsal fin. Sure. On the blackfish. Yeah. Very sad. But I do like the rhino. Like, if I was starting my own political party, I might grab that rhino.

[Brian Bishop]

What's your platform, sir?

[Tyler Levine]

Because I think that is the first.

[Adam Carolla]

Political party fucking blow apart everyone else's platform. Lazy elephant over there.

[Brian Bishop]

What political beliefs.

[Adam Carolla]

Stupid donkey. I do.

[Brian Bishop]

I understand the mascot.

[Adam Carolla]

Talk to the horn bitch. I'm fucking clad in Kevlar. I run fast as a horse. I'm £3,000, and I can bust through a fucking safe house.

[Tyler Levine]

And I think the idea now is that rhinos kill more people per annum than any other creature on the planet.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's the hippos.

[Tyler Levine]

Oh, the hippos. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But I don't want that as the mascot. It's got a lot of negative baggage connotations. Sluggish. Yeah. Yeah. And if you ever see one shit at the zoo, it's a disaster. Fucking underwater. It's aquatic disaster. It's a maritime disaster. When those things shit in the water.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you seen a hippo shit?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

What's it like?

[Adam Carolla]

What isn't it?

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Not like.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Well, imagine a creature like even. Even Tyler shit. Even if Tyler shit. And Tyler's a husband all the time.

[Tyler Levine]

I shit underwater.

[Adam Carolla]

Underwater. Like if you had a natural birthing for male. This is as close as we get to that natural birth. We should start a movement. You know, man was meant to shit in the water.

[Brian Bishop]

That's.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, this earth is 70% shit.

[Brian Bishop]

What kind of animal lets it touch the air first and then splash into a bowl?

[Adam Carolla]

When you're in that buoyant phase, when you're sitting down, you're pressing, you're pushing. It's visceral.

[Allison Rosen]

Not how we're meant to do it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. We're meant to shit at sea.

[Brian Bishop]

Have your legs ever falling asleep while.

[Adam Carolla]

You'Re in the toilet. In sea. That's what I meant. In. And this hippo. So you can imagine if you're sitting 4 inch thick, Lucite thing, staring at Tyler, swimming around naked, and he just decided to shit. But now imagine if Tyler weighed 2,600 pounds and just ate a bale of hay for fucking breakfast. You know what I mean? And three heads of cabbage and then decided. And then decided to shit all at once. Like it was a competition and you were just watching it. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Brian Bishop]

It's not gluten free.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I do.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. They eat tons of it.

[Allison Rosen]

Sounds like a lot of volume in a bunch of different directions. As opposed to.

[Adam Carolla]

It was an explosion. Look, the water changed. It changed everything. Physically, spiritually. It all changed that day at the zoo. How much does a hippo weigh? And I would guess it's male. I need male hit. Full grown male.

[Tyler Levine]

But you took a stab. You said £2,600.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd say 2600.

[Tyler Levine]

That was a blind guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I would lower it a little bit. I would probably lower it to more 1900, but I would imagine, oh, it's even bigger. And they live off of.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going fourth. Oh, wow.

[Adam Carolla]

6,000 pounds.

[Tyler Levine]

And also, do they just eat hay and cabbage? I don't know if that's the diet of the they.

[Adam Carolla]

Ironically, they kill natives, but they don't eat them, they spit them out. You know what I mean? Yeah. My whole thing, whether you're a great white shark or whether you're a hippo. If you're gonna fucking kill me, eat me. You know what I'm saying? Don't do that thing where the great white came up, took his leg off, spat it out, exploratory bites, and he bled out on the beach.

[Tyler Levine]

I think that's, like, for an eye, man. I mean, think about how much game hunting we do here, you know, just for sport.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Tyler Levine]

Not to get all political and serious, but, you know, we kill things and don't eat them.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the fair third largest land mammal. I know, but I feel like they're more noble than we are. Yeah. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Like in some restaurant, they're making Adam toe soup.

[Tyler Levine]

Oh, like just using his toes.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Throwing them brass.

[Adam Carolla]

Three tons. That's right. Wow.

[Tyler Levine]

I feel like when I eat chicken wings, I imagine, like, a table full of chickens sitting around eating, like, human thumbs. They look like little drumettes. They're just eating our thumbs in, like, a pile. Like, hey, it's five cents a thumb night. You go out and you eat like the chickens eat, like, a hundred thumbs with blue cheese dressing.

[Allison Rosen]

Hens get in free.

[Tyler Levine]

You heartless chickens. They throw the rest of you away. It's no good.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's not go to Buffalo Wild Wings together. I feel like that kind of banter is what really sort of harshes my Mel a little bit, you know? I'm trying to watch the game, Okay.

[Tyler Levine]

I know my venue.

[Adam Carolla]

Understood.

[Brian Bishop]

We should post Gary's search history from every show.

[Adam Carolla]

We should. 3,300. It goes up to £7,000. I mean, that's a lot of beast.

[Allison Rosen]

That's huge.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But again, if we lived in water and shit in water, I think. I think we'd all get up over 5, 600 pounds, too.

[Tyler Levine]

I think we'd be happier.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, fuck, yeah.

[Tyler Levine]

Happier creatures.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're boring. It's nice. It's how man was meant to shit. All right, let's bring it home, baby girl. Best news.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm Allison Rosen. It's a bit cunt. You know you want me, boy.

[Commercial Announcer]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, Legal Zoom Baby. You know we love these guys. Last Will Testament. Living Trust. Protect your assets, your family. Get a little something called peace. Oh, mine. You want to start a business? Might I suggest legal Zoom Zoom. Help you launch your dreams. Save a ton of money, save a ton of time. They've helped over 1 million businesses, and they earned. Earned is the operative word here. Earned. An A from the Better Business Bureau. They don't just hand those things out to the fly by night businesses. Legalzoom Step by step they will help you and they've created a team of experts in law and technology to help you.

[Commercial Announcer]

LegalZoom is not a law firm but can connect you with a third party attorney, provide you with self help services for special savings. Enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. Please don't let another month go by before you take care of these things for your family and business. From wills to business formation, trademark applications, powers of attorney and even bankruptcy help, go to legalzoom.com alrighty.

[Adam Carolla]

My book, President of Me, available on Amazon. You can pre order if you like. I think the cover's coming out pretty darn soon. You check that out? Baldbryans. Well, if you go to mine, I don't want to sound like a prick, but you go to Amazon, you go to mine. I think Bald Brian's will pop up there as well.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah. Vice versa.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Customers also bought this. All locally bought together.

[Adam Carolla]

Tyler, thank you so much for coming in.

[Tyler Levine]

Thanks for having me.

[Adam Carolla]

The Hulu series Deadbeat.

[Tyler Levine]

Thank you to the live studio audience.

[Adam Carolla]

April 9 the movie Someone Marry Barry. It is out in select theaters February 7th. And you can go to Amazon and itunes and all that good stuff. Website, Tyler, the Tylerlebean.com and Twitter TY Lebene as well. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Ty and David and Allison and bald saying mahalo. You Carolla, you suck. You're not funny anymore. Let the guests talk and blah blah, blah. And shut up and let Dr. Drew answer the question.

[Tyler Levine]

All right, that's Adam Coloso 1244.

[Adam Carolla]

Coming up next, we have Adam Colo Show 1240. Haley Joel Osment, Ray Oldhoffer, Allison Rosen and Brian bishop, also from 2014.

[Tyler Levine]

Check it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day. Allison Rose. Hello, Adam Carolla and Ball Bryan. This dude gets more boxed than the Memphis hub of FedEx.

[Brian Bishop]

Requested by numerous, numerous people on Twitter with the hashtag of course, Top drop.

[Adam Carolla]

Love the dfg. Ray Old Hoffer is in studio.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Ace on the house or Ace on the roof as my dad calls it, is a show we do here on the network. Yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Hello.

[Adam Carolla]

You can check that out on Saturdays. Now the funniest one is everybody thinks my dad said hell yeah. No, but you know my dad well.

[Caller Brian]

Oh yeah, yeah.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

No way. No, not a chance in hell.

[Caller Brian]

Hell yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No, the context was, you know, 2007 or something like that. And I think somebody like Dave Damoshek or something said, did you go to any of Adam's football games? Or have you seen the man show? And he won.

[Caller Brian]

Hell yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He went like, oh yeah. But it sounded like hell yeah. But it was like a stammer and a yeah. Which sound like hell yeah. But my dad has never said hell yeah.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

I don't think he ever has. That's never, never left his mouth.

[Caller Brian]

Hell yeah.

[Brian Bishop]

Can I stand by hell yeah. For comedic purposes?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

That you can stand by.

[Brian Bishop]

Because it says here on the drop machine, dad, hell yeah.

[Caller Brian]

Hell yeah.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

I asked him today, saw him today.

[Adam Carolla]

Did he say hell yeah?

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Yeah. I walked in the door and said, hell yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Take a seat.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Let's talk, motherfucker.

[Brian Bishop]

Then it could be a forum bash, like Jose Canseco.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

So interesting. I had always thought you had just taken two things that he said and like reordered them. I didn't realize he actually made that sound.

[Brian Bishop]

Hell no.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Hell yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it sounds like he says, hell yeah. And he may audibly say hell yeah. There are times when you mix up not your words but you pronunciation and it sounds like something else. My dad has just never said, hell yeah. He stammered and said like, oh yeah. It came across as hell yeah.

[Caller Brian]

Hell yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Anyway, there's quite a movement on the Internet to have Ray make a movement in my rust colored ski beanie. I have a burnt orange ski beanie.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

And I'd be happy to, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Lynette doesn't like it. We know what Ray does with ski beanies he doesn't like. Or when you ask him to return a ski beanie. Either way, can I borrow that one? He defecates in them. And famously back. And I remember, Ray, you were living in your apartment with the family over on Magnolia at this point. And it could have been in the eighth grade, something like that. I'm not sure what grade you were supposed to be in, but we're in eighth grade.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Oh, that's funny. Where'd you get a burnout shirt?

[Adam Carolla]

Just stating the facts, lady. Just stating the facts. Either way, when I asked for my rams beanie back, Ray handed it to me like a sack lunch. And inside was not a blt.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

It's my sack lunch.

[Brian Bishop]

It was a sack lunch.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep, it was a sack lunch. And Ray had defecated inside of it. So when Lynette took to Twitter to want to know if she should burn the burnt, ironically orange beanie that I have that she's tired of, everyone fired back with have Ray fire in to it.

[Brian Bishop]

Are there any pictures of this on the website? Oh, you wear it every single day.

[Adam Carolla]

Every picture. Yeah, we've all Seen it. He's making a.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

It's with his fucking sweats and everything.

[David Wilde]

Fun.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Oh, he was making it funny.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Where'd you get that shirt, ace?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm happy for you. I'm happy to say it was given to me. And I'm happy to say that the guy who gave it to me showed up to my house to fix my computer, and I was wearing it. And when I. When I opened the door, he gave a. All right. And I gave a. All right. I have no idea what it says. I have no idea that it had any connection whatsoever to him. And he goes, love the shirt. And I'm, like, digging your print as well. Brought him a lot of shirt conversation for a guy who's gonna fix the computer. And then he said, that's my shirt. And then I gave him. Oh, yeah. But I had no idea.

[Allison Rosen]

But you're really the best person for someone to give a shirt to that has branding on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Because you will wear it a year at a time.

[Adam Carolla]

Next one that's coming out is the rooster. Bung Lu Sue's got a shirt. Yeah. I love that shirt. Oh, Dawson's wearing one right now. Believe me, Olga, my nanny, I had to wrestle that shit away from her. She was dying to get her mitts on that bungalow suit. Oh, Chris is wearing his.

[Brian Bishop]

I was gonna say, you bring over free T shirts to the warehouse. You will see them pop up again and again and again.

[Adam Carolla]

Food, T shirts, whatever you like.

[David Wilde]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Ray's got a little. Just a tip.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Where's the Cabo 89 shirt? Everybody had one of those, remember?

[Adam Carolla]

No, they had the well, I remember the well. We went to the same junior high and high school. I remember the Hawaii 79. Hawaii. I used to look at that and go, who the fuck goes to Hawaii? How does that happen?

[Brian Bishop]

Who was number 79 who played for Hawaii?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then there's a Ski Mammoth one. Oh, Yosemite. Hike. Yosemite. Ski Yosemite. There was all this. Whatever. Yosemite camp, Yosemite.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

There's people who went far away for.

[Adam Carolla]

A good reason, right? Yeah. I went to Pismo beach with Ray and his dad in a Toyota Corona station wagon. Sure did. That was my greatest, fondest memory.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

You have a shirt, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Every outing that I can think of. Like, let me go. You ever go motorcycle riding? Yeah, I used to go with Chris's dad. We used to go down Aquadoza Canyon. You ever been to Pismo Beach? Yeah, I went. Raised dad and Ray down there. You ever Been skiing? Yeah, Jeff Buck. How about water skiing? Yeah. Jeff Buck went snow skiing. Every single memory has someone else's family attached to it. It's a weird thing. I don't know if that's optimal for parenting. Like, your kid thinks back on, oh, yeah, I remember when I went snow skiing. I remember the first time I went water skiing. I remember the first time I lost my virginity. You weren't there, dad.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

What about something you did with your dad that you were in youth?

[Adam Carolla]

I remember we were driving home in his VW Bug from the green one, the lime green. No, no, it was a navy blue or black color. One from. No, the lime green one. That was a VW Rabbit. This was a VW Bug. We're driving home and the VW Bug, I remember where it was. It was on Wilshire, driving home from Santa Monica from my cousin Vince's house in Santa Monica. Vince and Pat. And I said to my dad, I was probably about 10, obsessed with football, wanting to play football, that was my dream. I knew I wasn't a good student, but I was a good football player, you know? And I thought, I think I can do this. And for some reason at the time, I don't know why, but being 6 foot or above was sort of the weird Mason Dixon line. Like, it was a weird thing. It's like. Like John Wayne stands over six foot tall. Like, there was a lot of stance. Six foot tall, stands over six foot. He's just six foot, six footer, you know, it was a weird. It was a time when just most guys were five, nine or whatever it was, and six footer. Yeah. And I said to my. I mean, It'd be about nine or 10. I focused on football and I knew if you're going to play football, you got to be 6 foot or above. And I said, dad, do you think I'll be 6 foot foot or above, you know, when I'm. I'm a man? And he said, hell, yeah. Probably not. He said, because I'm pretty short. My dad was short. I said, thanks, dad. Dad.

[Brian Bishop]

I remember he was managing your expectations.

[Adam Carolla]

He did a fine job.

[Tyler Levine]

It was our outing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I do remember that one thing. I remember.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Short and gay, son.

[Adam Carolla]

He just left. He just put the short part in. The gay was implied. Somebody tweeted me, actually, Bill Simmons sent me, the sports guy sent me a little animation mashup thing he did on his network on Grantland. And I just took a quick look at it. It's funny. Find it on YouTube and Grantland. And we'll put it up on our website. Funny little Internet animation. And a conversation I forgot having completely. But it must have been when I did his podcast. And I thought, it'll work. You don't need to look at it. It's not a visual per se, but I thought you'd get a kick out of it, so we'll play it right now. You know you can tell the age of a male by counting the salvos after the initial urination. Because when I was 11, I'd take a whiz, cut it off, and it's right back to the room now it's like, cut.

[Brian Bishop]

Oops.

[Adam Carolla]

Got one more parting shot. Kind of like tracers. I start and stop like 28 times. Now when I was in my 20s, it was probably two or three times. If you gave like four and a half or five years for each after the initial whiz salvo. That's how old you are. Dog years. I could just tape record a guy taking a whiz and tell you exactly how old he was. Whiz specialist. This sounds like a CSI spin off potential Right, little movie flashback. Now they had the microphones in the bathroom during a murder. Yeah, all we have is audio from the bathroom, chief. Well, there's only one man to call the listener near their last hope. I think he was born between August and November 1970. He's definitely left handed. He's a Pisces, by the way. Born in March. Vegan. Blue eyed. The vegan urine has a different sound to it. It's a higher acidic level, a higher PH level than the non vegan urine. Sounds like he's taking some sow palmetto.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's supplements. Go to every drugstore in the area and check this out. Here's some ginkgo biloma in there. Faint trace of a sports drink. Vitamin, vitamin, vitamin.

[Haley Joel Osment]

Water.

[Adam Carolla]

We're staking out the. No, no. Gatorade Pharmacy. Gatorade. Wild bear. We're moving on the wild bear. What did I do? I can tell that much just from the sound of his urination. Brock Cameron produced it. I don't know if you guys know that. Forgot about that funny conversation. But it is funny how you just stop whizzing and then as you get older, there's an algorithm where I think each salvo equals so many years.

[Brian Bishop]

The quick cut is a young man's game.

[Adam Carolla]

Very young man.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that something that you have any control over or does it just stop and you're like, oh, it stopped.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a weird thing. I don't know why your body would be geared or wired this way, but you go, God, I wish it worked that way with semen. Wouldn't that be awesome? You'd be like, well, I guess I'm done here.

[Allison Rosen]

Whoa.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, surely there can't be. Oh, all right. Three. So no. Whoa.

[Allison Rosen]

I think that's like giving birth to twins, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

That would be really weird. I don't know. Yeah. What happens is you urinate and you go, all right, well, I'm done urinating. And you go, you know what? I'm going to play it safe and just stand here for two Mississippi. And then pow. Salvo. And then there's that move where we do a lot of road trips. I mean, we drove from Vegas last weekend, so. Or last week. So it's like, I do a lot of you guys know, we drove in from Fresno, Sacramento, that kind of stuff to do a lot of ringing it. You know what I mean? Like, I don't want. I don't want to be the one that says, could we pull. Pull the Denali over? I gotta take a whiz.

[David Wilde]

So.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Don't you guys have a bunch of Gatorade? You know, empty Gatorade bottles for the road?

[Adam Carolla]

You're traveling with Allison. Oftentimes you have a lady in the car.

[Allison Rosen]

I'd like to point out I have never been the one to say I needed to pee, even though I really needed to pee.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

I, like, was tucked in behind Dawson's bladder.

[Commercial Announcer]

I did it because I knew Alice.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you. That's so nice.

[Commercial Announcer]

She was gonna breathe a sigh of relief as soon as I said, I sure did. And I get to pee.

[Adam Carolla]

They say chivalry is dead. They're wrong. It's alive and well in the form of one. I don't know what his first name is. Dawson. All right, Ray's got a little. This just the tip. We. Hold on. Are going to be doing some shows. Chicago first show's gone. Only a few tickets left for the second show. So let's hop on that. Buffalo, Irvine, and Las Vegas all coming up. You can go to mcroll.com and then me doing some Mangria events. Seattle, Royal Oak, Lincoln Park, Amherst, Las Vegas again, go to Mangria and go to Corolla Drinks and find out when I'm going to be in a town near you, because I surely am. Let me give a little love to one of our fine sponsors. And then, Ray, a little. Just a tip, and then we'll do a little blah, blah, blah, Squarespace. Yes. You need A platform. You need an all in one platform. You want to make it fast, you want to make it easy. You want to create your own website, Squarespace. Beautiful designs, styles and options to create a unique website for you and your business. Easy to use. And if you want to help, they have an amazing support team, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, start for just eight bucks a month. That's right. That includes a free domain name. And if you sign up for a year, so you get a free trial, no credit card required. Start building your website today. Use the offer code Corolla1. That's Corolla. And the number one Corolla1 for 10% off your first purchase and show your support for the show Squarespace. Everything you need to create an exceptional website. Alrighty then. Ray, you got some just a tip?

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Yeah, I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's do an intro taking call.

[Brian Bishop]

Damn it. Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, gentlemen, grab your hardwood. It's time for just the tip.

[Allison Rosen]

Just the tip.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

And why a.

[Adam Carolla]

What I was saying to somebody on my new contractor show the other day, the weirdest thing was, when you do the Tonight show or you do any show they play, the band learns 21 seconds of a song. And for me, you know, when I used to do the man show, it'd be, I'm a man.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Pow.

[Adam Carolla]

And then you sit, you know, and sometimes I do Jimmy, it'll be the Rascal King or something like that. When I came out, we talked about before I did the Tonight show and I was going, what the fuck song is this? When you're walking out? Because you always listen and go, what song they gonna pick for you? They play Brown Eyed Girl. If Allison was doing the show or something, you'd kind of go, oh yeah, I get it. They pulled the theme song from Ace on the House and played the music, the musical version of that, which was weird to me because it's very obscure and it's original.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Did you put it together?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't think I did put it together. It was just a version and I was like, like. I mean, I didn't say anything. I was just walking out, saying, wave my hand, saying hi to Jay, but I didn't know what the fuck it was.

[Allison Rosen]

And then that song, but I wonder why they didn't just choose but the boss tones.

[Adam Carolla]

I. You know what it is? The Internet is. Is. Is great for nine things and horrific for the 10th, you know, sent some PA go to his website, go get the theme song. And there's the theme song. And they said, is that yeah, that's the song he uses. And then that, that's the end of that. That's how you spell Corolla. C, O, R. That's the beginning of.

[Brian Bishop]

The song five times.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

And we have to thank my good friend Jason Boots for that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Gary. Gary heard it and Gary. Oh, I think we. I think we have it here. Yeah, I like new book, not Taco Bell material. Very funny book. Debuted in the top 10 and New York Times bestseller list. Please welcome author Adam Corolla.

[Allison Rosen]

Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, now you can play the. You play the song, you play the Taking calls song from Ace on the house and you'll get the call. There you go. Plus, like is it smoking the band? Like I couldn't.

[Allison Rosen]

It's almost got a Julie banjo sound.

[Adam Carolla]

Didn't bump me. I just. What is this in Gary.

[Tyler Levine]

We don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Play this song live when we record Ace on the house. That's never really two or three times in his life. When we do this. Yeah. When we do the show, we don't roll into it with this. They tack it on after we do the show. That's the second confusing part. All right, Ray, give us the tip, man.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

I don't know, man. I'm confused.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

You know, you're very familiar with the orbital sound.

[Adam Carolla]

I love the random orbital sander.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

And you also love. Not so much though. Belt sander.

[Adam Carolla]

Belt sanders.

[Brian Bishop]

Careful.

[Adam Carolla]

Different animal, but careful.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

It'll bite you.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

It will.

[Adam Carolla]

It'll be best friend.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

But you know what they both do.

[Adam Carolla]

Or to be the friend of your best friend.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

That too.

[Adam Carolla]

You never hear it that way.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Or you're the beanie. Yeah, but they get clogged a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

The belt sander.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Belt sander. And the orbital sander gets clogged a lot.

[Adam Carolla]

The sand sandpaper. The hook and loop style that you pull on there or the belts or the belt sander or the little round 5 or 6 inch pads they have. They ain't cheap. They come in a five packs, probably four or five bucks and they come.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

In a 20 pack. That could be 50 bucks.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go, Ray. Either way, just saying you can go through these things pretty quick and it starts to add up.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Does Ray's got a tip get clogged quickly? You know what you do? Take an old rubber shoe.

[Adam Carolla]

Old rubber shoe.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Old rubber shoe. Oh yeah. And you run it over the rubber shoe a little bit, four or five seconds. Clears all the soot out. Clears everything out. Does.

[Adam Carolla]

That'S all right.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

It sure does.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. That's a hell of A tip for next.

[Tyler Levine]

And was this segment sponsored by anybody?

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Yeah. You didn't know that? No, we're not there yet.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what's the rest of the tip? What?

[Ray Oldhoffer]

To clear the. Come on. That just saved you $100 next week.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, what percentage? All right, go ahead.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Every dude you have is using one at your shop right now. That's all I'm saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Nobody listening. Has a random orbital sander or belt sander, well under 5%.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

All right, let's say you make chili.

[Brian Bishop]

Now we're talking with a random orbital sander.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Whatever you want to use, you might.

[Allison Rosen]

Use a belt sander.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

But let's say you make chili. Let's say you have some dried stuff from the oven. Whatever, you know, tray. What? Glass tray, Pyrex, whatever caked on. Yeah. Can't get it off. Right. You soak it overnight. You know what the trick is?

[Adam Carolla]

Random, Oregon.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

How'd you know? No, you take a dryer sheet and you let it soak in there with it. Everything will come clean next day.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, like a dryer sheet.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Throw it in there with the water, let it soak overnight.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything snuggle bare.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

You got it?

[Adam Carolla]

You mean you'll snuggle your bouncy thing?

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Sure.

[Allison Rosen]

How does that work?

[Adam Carolla]

How does that work?

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Chemicals in it. It all releases because it makes your clothes softer. It also softens up all that baked goods.

[Adam Carolla]

And your next batch of lasagna tastes like whatever, Mountain pine. All right, all right, all right.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Just saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Outro. Here we go.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

No, no, no, no. We got some other stuff to say. The second. Sponsored by MaximaStyle.com for the best selection of energy efficient, saving LED light bulbs like the ones here in the studio.

[Adam Carolla]

We do use them here. Yes, we do.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

M A X X I m a style.com and thank you, Matt Maxima.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right, Ray, hit the bricks.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

What?

[Allison Rosen]

Thanks for the tip.

[Adam Carolla]

Gary's. Gary's out of his mind. Over there in the next room.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

It's fine.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, Ray. All right. Gary's fine. Ray's not a professional. Ray, hit the bricks. Nice job, buddy.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

We're gonna do a little blah, blah, blah.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, yeah?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right. Good job. See you there.

[David Wilde]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Gary's got the look. The look is all right.

[Allison Rosen]

He's so. Whatever's going on is so intense that he had to get up and get out of his chair and hold his head.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me explain something just for all to know. The most important piece of information I can pass on to any individual who is listening at this particular time.

[Allison Rosen]

Time. It's not about dryer sheets.

[Adam Carolla]

Everybody. I have this conversation with almost everyone I know. And it's one of the more. I'm now sort of fascinated by it, but people's inability to change or recognize opportunities or what have you. If you took everyone I went to high school with and said, you will be presenting at the Oscars and you'll be given The Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award, there'll be a lot of.

[Brian Bishop]

Explanation involved in the coming sentences.

[Adam Carolla]

First, yes. And then you said, here is what's going to be in the teleprompter. And you gave them two sheets of paper. They would not get around to looking at it before possibly the ride to the Shrine Auditorium.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't want to be too coached up.

[Adam Carolla]

Or backstage or not at all. And then they would get up there and fuck it up as they fumbled through the teleprompter. That's every human being I've ever went to high school with. And Ray's no exception. When you explain to him like, here's what you need to do. He kind of does what he does. But most people do that. Almost everyone does that. And it's an exception for those who don't. I don't get why you would. Because everyone should just treat your life like a gin rummy hand. Got some good cards, couple of bad cards. Everybody has some good cards, and everyone has some bad cards. You discard the bad cards, you get a few good cards before you know you got a killer hand. People cling to the bad cards very tightly and they don't want to get rid of them.

[Brian Bishop]

Sometimes you got a bald card you feel bad for because it has cancer, but you don't want to get rid of it because it'd be a shitty thing to do.

[Allison Rosen]

Sometimes you have old maid.

[Adam Carolla]

Go fish, baby. So when you tell those people, look, we could. I got a way to straighten your hand out or strengthen your hand. They're usually combative about it. And thus they carry the same hand all the way through. Which is great if you got a whole bunch of aces coming out of the womb. But I don't know too many of those people.

[Brian Bishop]

You talk a lot about grit being a good thing for your kids, and it is, obviously. But how about a great quality that's hard to teach is like the constant striving for self improvement. I don't say constant, like all throughout your life, but to an extent, I mean, you know, Lumosity, for example, is an advertiser we've had in the Past. And that's sort of all about. If you're all about self improvement. And you'd probably be interested in something like that. Yeah, you can't force someone. You know what I mean? It's like going to the gym or whatever. Like, it's very hard to.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the ability to hear something, absorb it and go, either that's not going to happen again, or this is how I'm going to do it from this point on. It's an interesting philosophy, and it's something that's not really taught and it's something that's not really discussed. And we discuss. And as I said, we have a lot of axioms of, well, it's who you know, and timing's everything, and right place and right time and here today, gone tomorrow, whatever, whatever it is. It's really. We have a lot of those. We don't have as many that just sort of say, you can treat your life like. Basically when you drive a car on a racetrack, you go around it and they give you a time and you go, you did it in minute 46.2 seconds. And then you think to yourself, I would like to get 2/10 of a second second off of that on my next lap. You don't think I'm going to get 20 seconds off. That's not going to work. You just go, how can I shave just a little bit? And then how. Each lap can I shave just a little bit? Just with some little subtle things. And some of it is going and talking to other people. Like going, you're fast. What do you do? Not going, you're fast because you're lucky, or you're fast because your car's better or less, or your dad drove cars, so you got a lucky car. So it's none of that. It's just. Just, how do you do this better? Because you're doing it better than I Not, fuck you, you're not the boss of me. Which is a weird thing when you're talking to people that are faster than you.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, see, I think this just occurred to me, and I think it's deep. I think there's a relationship that we maybe haven't addressed between grit, tenacity, stubbornness, and motivation. Like, the goal is to have grit and tenacity, but to still be open to people giving you advice. Because there's. But I think that stubbornness kind of comes from the same place, you know, like, there can be like a stubbornness.

[Brian Bishop]

It's when grit takes a wrong turn.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, but it's similar.

[Adam Carolla]

I Agree with what you're saying. As I was screaming at my nanny, who has to listen to me because I'm paying her. I've never said, you want this bung.

[Brian Bishop]

Lu Su shirt, you'll listen.

[Adam Carolla]

Start sucking. You're already scrubbing the floor, so you're kind of in the right position. I said to her three nights ago, I have never uttered this phrase in my entire life, which is, I did my best. I've never said that. I will backhand my kids if they say that. I don't want to ever hear anyone say, they did their best. I want them to always have a little bit of room of could have done better. I don't care. I don't care if they fucking nailed it. I still want them to think I could have done a little bit better. There's always just that little margin at the top that I could have done a little bit better. But just that thing. Yes, Brian, that grit meets being stubborn. You have to have the tenacity. You have to have the fire in the belly. But you also have to be all ears when you hear a good idea. And you can't cling on to your bad card, which gives you the bad gin rummy hand. I feel like we used to have elders. Like, there were village elders. Sort of went from village elder to like, hey, old man, you shit in your diaper, get the fuck out of here. Now. We make fun of elders, and then also we take people that are having more success. I don't mean financial success. I just mean able to execute life, just kind of do what they want. Now, when you do what you want, then people throw money at you or you get a better car. That's usually how it goes, but it's more just the execution. Hey, I want to do something. Hey, I want to write a book. Hey, I've written a book. Hey, I want to start a podcast. Start a podcast. Whatever it is you want to do, you're doing it. Listen to that person. They will have more answers to provide to you, usually than the guy you share your apartment or futon with. That's something that we've lost. And one of the things we've done, one of the ways we've decided to lose that is we've decided to take the guy or the girl.

[Allison Rosen]

It could happen.

[Adam Carolla]

It could happen. Hypothetical. We decided to take those people that are executing life more effectively, not ginning up more money, not figuring out schemes to get rich. I just mean executing life, not getting.

[Allison Rosen]

In their own way.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Seth MacFarlane and Jimmy Kimmel are rich, but it's not about that. They're executing life. They're going, I want to make an animated series and they're doing it. And then they're going, I'm going to make a feature film and they're doing it and I want to do a late night show, whatever it is they're executing sort of life. Or. I mean, there was literally a part of Jimmy's life or a place, Jimmy's life, where Jimmy said, one day I'd like to be on a beautiful white sand beach with Howard Stern on vacation. I mean, I'm sure he literally probably masturbated to it.

[Brian Bishop]

If there's other a listers there, so be it.

[Adam Carolla]

So be it. If Jennifer Aniston has to be there, she can hang out.

[Brian Bishop]

Out.

[Adam Carolla]

And you know, last break, probably found himself on the beach with Howard Stern. Well, is it about money? That's part of it, but it's about execution.

[Allison Rosen]

I want River Phoenix to ask me out.

[Adam Carolla]

Execute, baby. So when you come across someone who's good at executing, could be your own fragrance line. Whatever. Whatever. You're.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm listening.

[Adam Carolla]

Whatever. Over bald. Whatever. We know what the cap would look like. Fucking cue ball. Whatever you're trying to do, then listen to that person. They're good executors. They're not rich guys. They're not snobs. They're not daddy's money. They're executors of ideas that then got them rich. So we have turned the executors of ideas and life into the enemy, into the lucky ones, into the. Well, I get it. Daddy's rich, sends you to Ivy league school. You're all, you know, he's all hooked up. You all know the right people. The next thing you know, you're on a beach with Howard Stern. Howard Stern, Jimmy Kimmel. And I'm guessing Jennifer Aniston didn't start off anywhere except for with a plan to execute. So if Jennifer Aniston pipes up and wants to give you a little advice or tell you anything about anything I recommend. Don't tell her to buzz off with a cool haircut and her millions of dollars. Listen to her. And as a society, let's not make these people the enemy. They may have help with the execution in your life.

[Allison Rosen]

It's interesting the range that the word execution has.

[Adam Carolla]

It's got a lot of range. Alright, let's see. Blah, blah, blah, man. Let's do it.

[Commercial Announcer]

It's time for blah, blah, blah, the game where we match the celebrity with their retarded online rant.

[Brian Bishop]

Let's.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, speaking of execution. Income revolution, baby. Want to start earning hundreds of bucks, Thousands of bucks. You want to do it each month? Wouldn't feel too bad, would it? Incomerevolution.com whether your goal is to create a little personal wealth or just earn a second income, this is how you do it. Do it from home. Do it in your spare time. A lot of my listeners already earning sizable weekly checks. And earlier you get in, the bigger your checks can be. Control your destiny. I like that with Income Revolution.com, the energy you put into your business can earn you cash over and over again for a lifetime.

[Commercial Announcer]

Dawson, join other Adam Carolla listeners who are earning great money from home. Results are certainly not average. So visit incomerevolution.com and check out the income you can expect. And who knows, knows he might be their next millionaire. Income revolution.com. that's incomerevolution.com yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Ready? Let's do a little blah, blah, blah.

[Commercial Announcer]

I am a Jew who loves the Pope. I've always said, don't be too religious. However, Pope Francis is a good man for all religions. He is a humble person who identifies with the poor. He is a man who wants us to understand each other, no matter what our differences may be and to do our best to help one another. And that is the core of what every religion should be. Is it Kirk Douglas, Rob Reiner, or Paul Reiser?

[Adam Carolla]

Whoo. All right. I don't have a problem with that statement. I guess everyone's a Jew. We got this with Kirk Douglas before. I can't remember if he burned us or not.

[Brian Bishop]

Inactive blocks.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Are any of them?

[Commercial Announcer]

Everybody on this game is an active blogger.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. This doesn't sound. This doesn't anger me. So it can't be Rob Reiner. Everything that comes out of fucking Rob Reiner's mouth makes me mad. So it can't be him. I think we've been fucked over by Douglas before.

[Brian Bishop]

It's kind of simplistic.

[Commercial Announcer]

See?

[Allison Rosen]

And I feel like we've been fucked over by Reiser before.

[Adam Carolla]

We've all been fucked by Reiser. Shit. It's simple for Riser. There's no joke in there, which means.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm going. Douglas.

[Brian Bishop]

Me too. Douglas. There's not even a tempt for a joke. It's just kind of there.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay?

[Allison Rosen]

And I might. See, I kind of want to go Douglas, but my first instinct, which you should never trust, was Riser. So that's what I'm going with the.

[Commercial Announcer]

Blog belongs to Kirk Douglas.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, great streak remains alive with Meat Head. All right.

[Commercial Announcer]

Growing up as a gay kid in the south was not easy. The constant fear of people discovering who you really were and the inevitable shame that would fall upon you and your family dictated how you lived your life every day. Luckily for me, I was fortunate enough to move to places where it wasn't a constant daily reminder that I was an abomination for my family. However, they still live in ground zero of intolerance for the LGBT community and have the unique pressure of having a well known.

[Adam Carolla]

If you're listening, let's plan our summer vacation.

[Commercial Announcer]

When I came out.

[Adam Carolla]

Go to ground zero, baby.

[Commercial Announcer]

Is it Clay Aiken, Lance Bass, or Project Runway's Tim Gunn?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. All people whose careers were dramatically altered when they courageously came out of the closet. Oh, wait, no one gave a shit. I forgot. I do find it's a form of narcissism when it's like, you want to know what I'm doing? And it's like, no, not really. And then nothing ever happens. Once the announcement is made, I'll agree with that. But.

[Allison Rosen]

But I think that if people suspect you're gay and you won't address it, that drives them insane.

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely. If they suspect you've done anything or are anything that they suspect, whatever it is and you don't say it, it drives them insane.

[Allison Rosen]

So I think all three of them kind of had to make the proclamation at some point.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, sort of. I mean, I don't know if they. You say drives people insane, but I don't know how that manifests itself. Like, I don't know if it means you don't get work or anything. It just drives people insane. No, what drives people insane? Look, we all have this. What's the strongest thing we have in the world? Like, where you said, say we have some conversation. I go, that defense is better than the 84 bears.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, I don't know if they're that good.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you chime in and you go, 85 bears.

[Brian Bishop]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty sure it was 84.

[Brian Bishop]

Ditka and Buddy Ryan.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it was 85. I'm pretty sure it's 85 now. No one will ever leave it at that because Brian knows It's the 80 fucking five bears. And I go, I know it was the 84 bears. You're wrong. Moving on. Brian will never. Brian, the second he has a fucking spare moment, can get hold of anything, will go fucking look it up and shove it my face.

[Allison Rosen]

Classic Brian.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Such Me though, everybody has to do that with everything all the time. Like you go, no, I swear you said that. You know, many times you went like, I swear you said that or you said that or I said we can.

[Allison Rosen]

All sit here and think of like 15 things that we each personally have this relationship with. Yes, we all.

[Adam Carolla]

And with any trivia, with any, anything, with any whatever. And you know, when there's somebody that has a trait or whatever it is, whether it's wearing a toupee, where you go, God, that guy wears a toupee. Right? And they're like, he doesn't wear a toupee. And you're like, it does. And then you want to.

[Allison Rosen]

The way the light hits it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. You want to just grab for it and try to pull on it. That's what we have. So when our gaydar's going off, but it's like they're not saying anything, it starts driving us nuts. But it's not that we're driven nuts by gay.

[Brian Bishop]

It's the lying or it's the.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the us thinking as a human being, another person is something, whatever that something is, but not having it verified and thus having to question ourselves.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, it's kind of a survival thing because the alternative means your perception is off, which is unsafe.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. And that's why we always hear and women have this more than men. I knew that guy was creep. I told you that guy was a creep. You know when it comes out later on that packing up kids corpses like cords of wood in his basement in his clown outfit.

[Brian Bishop]

That's pretty creepy.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'm going. I like, let's see. I like Clay Aiken a lot. Good guy. Spent some good time. Boy, you want to talk about a super effective guy like you want to talk about a guy who forget about singing, you would be happy to have him run your dot com business or your fucking hair salon or your logging camp. Like it does not.

[Brian Bishop]

Or your dot com hair salon. Logging camp.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Oh man, would that look good at the mall. He's just a fucking laser focused, smart, bright, hard working guy. Tim Gunn drives me nuts because he gets nominated for shit all the time and I don't feel like he does anything. I don't know. Heidi Klum's a thousand times worse than he is. A billion times worse than he is. She does zero. But I'm not sure what he does either, other than act snarky. I'm going, Clay Aiken is Landspass even from the south.

[Brian Bishop]

I'm going to say Clay Aiken, too.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's a Florida that doesn't seem like the South. Let's not forget Florida's in the south, which is weird because it feels crazy unsouth to me, but it is South.

[Brian Bishop]

Okay, I'm going to say Clay Aiken.

[Adam Carolla]

Or maybe it's the Southeast. I don't know what it is.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm going Clay Aiken, too. Strategically not that smart, but that's who I think it is.

[Commercial Announcer]

The blog belongs to Lance Bass.

[Adam Carolla]

Shit. See, from Florida. Everyone in boy bands either from Florida ends up from the Panhandle. Yeah. All right.

[Commercial Announcer]

I wonder why Republicans really undermine the Affordable Care act daily. Maybe they are worried about its eventual success. Remember, the GOP also largely opposed Medicare. As Ronald Reagan said, on the eve of Medicare's passage, we will wake to find we have socialism. We are going to spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in America when men were free. Medicare has not put chains on Americans. Actually, it had afforded seniors some peace of mind. Is it Barbra Streisand, Michael Moore, or Annie Lennox?

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, I like Michael Moore. Disagree with him most of the time, but I like him. Annie Lennox angers me with her music. If I hear fucking Travel the World and the fucking Seas. Oh, and then I realize most of her songs are fucking grating and horrible. And they get a pass. She gets a pass because she wears dude outfits and has short hair. She gets a pass as an artist. She's above reproach, but it's.

[Allison Rosen]

Cause she's so angular.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it is. But her fucking songs suck.

[Brian Bishop]

We wear dude outfits and have short hair. What the fuck?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, she got the same cred.

[Allison Rosen]

We don't have short hair.

[Brian Bishop]

I have very, very short hair.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Barbra Streisand.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, that's what I was gonna say. Because Michael Moore, I think he's on there because he did the documentary, the sitcom. I don't think any Lennox cares that much about the intricacies of Medicare and American health care.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, Babs.

[Commercial Announcer]

I was wondering.

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry, I'm going Michael Moore. I feel like Lennox is in there just to anger Adam.

[Commercial Announcer]

The blog belongs to Barbra Streisand.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

There was one time, literally one time where I was good at this game.

[Adam Carolla]

I know you're fucking up there.

[Brian Bishop]

That happened a long time ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Commercial Announcer]

I don't understand how men and women who want the best for their children and grandchildren can be so blind to the consequences of their actions. There is nowhere to hide from global warming, Expanding fossil fuel development into our last remaining wild equal ecosystems will destroy the remnants of our natural heritage and trigger even more climate destruction. Why would people do this when there are energy solutions right in front of them? Clean energy from wind, solar and high tech energy efficiency. If the oil industry won't come along, we need to put pressure on, why not nuclear?

[Adam Carolla]

We want to save some fucking coal miners. You want to save some fossil fuel? Nuclear Never, never on the list. Which are just show they're fucking hypocrites. But go ahead.

[Commercial Announcer]

We need to put pressure on them through the courts, in the media, and in peaceful demonstrations in numbers too great to ignore. Is it songwriter Carole King, songwriter John Mellencamp or songwriter Cyndi Lauper?

[Adam Carolla]

Mellencamp. Oh, Mellencamp's face is past his hair. Now. We got to come up with a, you know, a list, you know like Billy Crystal and guys like that. When your face passes your hair.

[Brian Bishop]

What do you mean, pass me?

[Adam Carolla]

I mean it's passed.

[Brian Bishop]

Oh, it doesn't match.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no longer matches. Yeah, he has the hair. If you hold your hand up and you go, how old is that dude's hair? You go, 23, 24. And then you look down and you go, 61. And a smoker like there is the. You want your hair to look a little, you know what you want out of your hair? You want the same out of your hair as what you want out of your car. Where like when somebody goes, what's your car? Three years old? Actually, it's a 04. And they go, Whoa, 10 years. Nice shape. Took good care of that thing. That's what you want with your face and your hair. But you want the hair to look a little newer but not look like it's from someone else.

[Brian Bishop]

Cyndi Lauper's got that going on a little bit too.

[Adam Carolla]

Chicks can get away with it just because they start dying their hair early and they can do whatever they want.

[Allison Rosen]

You don't want someone to see you from the back and be like, oh, who's that hot?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

When they see your front.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to say, I don't think Cougar cares enough. I think he's too busy smoking and banging miles to really give a shit about the environment. I would say, I guarantee that many, whoever we're looking at flies netjets quite a bit and fucks up the environment more than you could ever do in your Camry. I'm going to go Carole King.

[Brian Bishop]

I have no idea. So I'll go with Cyndi Lauper.

[Allison Rosen]

I Kind of think it's Carole King, but I'm going to go Mellencamp.

[Haley Joel Osment]

You really don't matter.

[David Wilde]

Matter.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Commercial Announcer]

Thank you for the game. The blog belongs to Carole King.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Dominating, man. Remember I was telling you guys about the life strategies to build. The things.

[Brian Bishop]

Perfectly illustrated here I just.

[Adam Carolla]

Executed on all your asses. There's way to listen to me. Everybody should listen to me all the time.

[Commercial Announcer]

Until next time, keep your fingers on your keyboards and your heads up your asses so we can play another round.

[Adam Carolla]

Of blah, blah, blah. I would like to point out, in Allison's defense.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

Statistically more difficult to go 0 for 4 than it is to go 3 out of 4. So in some universes, I am an executor. You're more skilled than I.

[Brian Bishop]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you very much.

[Brian Bishop]

Perfect score is hard to get.

[Adam Carolla]

It would be very difficult for Brian or my son Brian. I think you'll admit this. To go 0 for 4 in this game.

[Brian Bishop]

Twist my arm. And you know what? At gunpoint, I will admit it's hard to go over four.

[Adam Carolla]

Takes a big, big man to admit when he's not dumb. Hayley, Joel Osment is coming in. He's in a little something called the Spoils of Babylon. Eric John Rosch's epic novels. Now an epic miniseries airing Thursday on ifc. It's a six part miniseries. I think we're a part or two in. I'm trying to think. We're going. Tonight's the third. Yeah, six part miniseries. Kristen Wiig's in this. Tobey Maguire, Will Ferrell, Jessica Alba, Val Kilmer. Haley's in this. It's all there. And they're all there. Be sure to check out part three tonight. That's right, Spoils of Babylon. IFC, Thursdays, 10pm all right, quick break. Haley Joel next.

[Commercial Announcer]

It's time to check Adam's voicemail.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, man.

[Caller Brian]

Just wanted to tell you that I went in to fight my red light violation ticket the Oakland Police Department gave me. And me and 35 other people were there. Took the judge an hour to clear out the whole courtroom. They spent about 10, 20 seconds listening to each person trying to defend themselves before they just threw the book at them. $540 fines for everybody. 17 grand. Believe that. Just thought you'd like to know.

[Commercial Announcer]

You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744.

[Adam Carolla]

Haley Joel Osment with US miniseries the Spoils of Babylon. Good to see you, my friend. I just did a commercial for you guys. IFC 10 o'. Clock. I forgot that you were Forrest Gump's kid.

[Haley Joel Osment]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that movie, man. I feel like that movie takes a little bit of shit and I'm not sure why. It was innovative. It was interesting.

[Brian Bishop]

And the backlash thing was so wildly popular among so many different, you know, old, young, everyone in between.

[Haley Joel Osment]

Right. I think it bothers some people that it won Best Picture instead of Pulp Fiction. I think that that irks some people. And I don't have a problem liking both films.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm down with both, too. So tell us your story. You grew up out here?

[Haley Joel Osment]

I did, yeah. Not too far away in. Around Pasadena. And I went to school in New York in 2006 and was living there until. Until about a year ago. Now it's sort of half and half.

[Adam Carolla]

And you just discovered. I was reading IMDb. It said just walking through a supermarket or something with mom, discovered the casting.

[Haley Joel Osment]

Director, the IKEA in Burbank, they were doing a thing where they had a casting assistant taking Polaroids of all the kids that walked in the door. And I just happened to be called in from that to a cattle call. And from that first commercial, which was a Bigfoot Pizza Hut commercial, the casting director of Forrest Gump saw it on television and that was sort of the way in.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm surprised they were okay with an adult just randomly taking photos of every kid walk through the door.

[Haley Joel Osment]

It doesn't sound good, does it?

[David Wilde]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

They had the guy in the Allen wrench outfit supervising him to make sure he wasn't going to go anywhere. Said it many times. The worst mascot ever. It's the mascot at Ikea is the tool that you need to put the shit together. And we're talking about reminds you that this shit comes in a flat box. And your entertainment unit's going to take several days to set up.

[Brian Bishop]

The mascot should be a guy like, with his feet up on his ottoman, like relaxing, watching tv, passed out, maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what the big Swedish chef, you know, Sweden has so many good things other than Allen wrenches. You know what I mean? And by the way, you don't think. You know, it's like when someone. Whoa. I went to Sweden for a couple. You see any Allen wrenches? Do you go to the Allen wrench Museum? Do you see the house where they hilled the Allen wrench sympathizer who was hitting up the. Out there?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, wait, we got the Pizza Hut. We got the Bigfoot Pizza Hut commercial.

[Tyler Levine]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla]

Bigger than big. Huge. Huge.

[Caller Brian]

Large.

[Adam Carolla]

Astronomically big would be an understatement.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Very big.

[Adam Carolla]

But you, when it arrives, you better not be alone. Bigfoot from Pizza Hut. Oh, I remember the Bigfoot.

[Haley Joel Osment]

It wasn't very good.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, anytime you get 13 linear feet of pizza for under $4, it's probably not the best pizza.

[Brian Bishop]

The Bishop boys polished off a few Bigfoot pizzas back in the day.

[Haley Joel Osment]

I'm really impressed. No one's ever never shown. I haven't seen that since I was a little kid. That's crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

We got a crack staff here. When I say crack staff, I mean staff. That's how I crack. Showing a big, hairy, big foot. Go down though. Not what I want to think about when I'm sitting down for dinner.

[Allison Rosen]

Did your family have any hesitation about going forward with you being a child actor?

[Haley Joel Osment]

Oh, yeah. I mean, it's.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Haley Joel Osment]

I mean, everybody knows the pitfalls of it. My dad was actually already working in theater in Los Angeles and that's how my parents moved out here from Alabama originally. But it was just sort of easing into it gradually. And had it been like, you know, something that wasn't like Forrest Gump or like sort of a, you know, legitimate like wholesome sort of environment like that, it might not have gone as far as it did.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it? You know, I'm old and so I don't have a bunch of stuff, images of me. I have a couple of pictures, a couple of parties. I know what I looked like when I was 6. But there's a couple of pictures. Not a lot.

[Brian Bishop]

Your image isn't burned into the psyche of the American film going public.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, not yet. It is not. Especially me as an 11 year old playing a 7 and a half year old or whatever your age was and was. I don't know if I went back and looked at that, how I'd feel about it or how often I would look at it. I certainly wouldn't do it. After taking mushrooms, I think I would freak out.

[Allison Rosen]

Shouldn't even look at the mirror.

[Adam Carolla]

But it must pop up on TV and then you see the version of you that's 10 years old. Right, Right.

[Haley Joel Osment]

Yeah, yeah. It is weird. It's sort of in an environment now where everybody is posting thousands of pictures of themselves all the time online. So I think it's sort of covered by that where. It's where culture is now. You're used to seeing a lot of pictures of everybody, but yeah, the fact that it's. I'm so identified with like a 10 year old version of myself is strange and you know, it just takes some Time. You know, there are other actors who, you know, Jodie Foster was always, you know, associated with that character for a long time. And just gradually the work you do sort of.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Jodie Foster was, you know, Disney and Freaky Friday, all those Taxi Driver. Well, that's true. Yeah. It's always a thing where somebody will say, well, they were associated with this role and they could never break out of that role. And I sort of look at that role as you and your truck and you're stuck in some mud. And if you're Jodie Foster, then you have enough horsepower to get yourself out of that mud and you're talented and enough. And if you're Johnny Depp, you can get out of the 21 Jump street mire because you have the horsepower to sort of pull yourself. There's many stories where you can say, with the right amount of talent and enough horsepower under the hood, you can pull yourself out of that, reinvent yourself. I'm sure you feel that way.

[Haley Joel Osment]

Yeah, I mean, and I, even from a young age was sort of comfortable with the fact that, that there's no guarantee that you're gonna have a long career like that and was happy to go to college and to sort of establish a life for myself to where if you don't end up having that horsepower, there are other options for you. But I've been very lucky, you know, this very year and just getting some opportunity to sort of go in a different direction in that truck.

[Adam Carolla]

Like the spoils of Babylon, man. Working with any good Bruce Willis stories. Offer you smoke anything inappropriate? No.

[Haley Joel Osment]

He was really nice to me and to everyone on that movie. And I worked with Kevin Smith recently and they had just a God awful experience together and didn't get along at all. And we were talking about that and.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I had that with Kevin Smith too. I'm taking Bruce side on this one. That was cop out. Oh, I forgot. That was cop out. That was right.

[Haley Joel Osment]

But what I think the difference it made is that with the Sixth Sense, a lot of people's careers were sort of riding on that being a success. And everybody knew we had the script that if they, if we did it right, would. Would go places. So everybody was just like, let's get along and be nice. And did you?

[Adam Carolla]

Did you? Yeah, because I guess M. Night Shyamalan's got a little bit of a personality as well. You get that with a guy who has a little bit of a personality like Bruce Willis, you can have a little bit of a difficult time on the set. Did you read. Were you 10 or 11 at the time?

[Haley Joel Osment]

I was 10 during the filming of it, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

10 and then 11 and then 11.

[Haley Joel Osment]

When it came out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. How did you know that? I did the math. I'm deep in the business. I know guys.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, it's like an insider thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I blow up couple calls in.

[Brian Bishop]

You have to ask for the record, you know, to make sure.

[Adam Carolla]

So did you know, I'm trying to think at 10. Did you read the script and sort of absorb what it was and go, wow, really have a nice piece of work here. Or did your mom and dad read it and go take our word for it? Or how'd that work?

[Haley Joel Osment]

I think they probably saw a little bit farther into the future with that than I did. But everybody knew that. I mean, even at that age. Like, I think that movie is also a little bit about how you sort of have to give children a little bit more credit sometimes than society does and that they are. That this eight year old boy in the movie was sort of handling these horrible, intense concepts and somehow surviving and everything. And that children under pressure can adapt to that. And even though I had never experienced anything like that in my life, that was evident to me as a reader. And I think my dad actually Sung summed it up the best. And we had our first conversation about it where he's like, where's the money? He was like, it's not about ghosts, it's not about death as much as it's about communication. And that was, I think, I think talking about that with Knight was where he went, oh, I think that they have this figured out a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you call him Night Night?

[Haley Joel Osment]

Yeah, just night, yeah, just night, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And was it you were going to a public school at the time?

[Haley Joel Osment]

I was, yeah. Until. Until high school.

[Adam Carolla]

Was that weird then, going back into what would have been the fourth grade or something?

[Haley Joel Osment]

I shot it in fifth grade and then it came out when I was in sixth grade. And yeah, I mean, at that point I'd been at the same elementary school, so I knew everybody in my class and it was not awkward because a lot of these kids were too young to really see that movie. And this is before everybody had a Facebook account and everything. So there was sort of a level.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, right, right. Was that I was an R. Right.

[Haley Joel Osment]

I think it was PG 13, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

PG 13, but still for the 10, 11 and 12 year olds, pretty intense.

[Haley Joel Osment]

Not. Not ideal.

[Adam Carolla]

And those place in Pasadena where parents kind of give a shit and don't let their kids go to movies that are inappropriate for that, so you had a mostly a class of people who may have known what was going on but did not physically see the movie themselves.

[Haley Joel Osment]

That's right, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And then I guess as time went on and DVDs and Blu Ray and stuff started coming out and then when.

[Haley Joel Osment]

I got into seventh grade, which was a whole new school and everything, that was sort of another adjustment period of meeting people for the first time and everything. And I missed the first half of seventh grade at my high school. We were a seventh to 12th grade school shooting AI and that was, you know, yet another thing that sort of was on everybody's minds when I went there.

[Adam Carolla]

How does the artificial, Sorry, how does the artificial intelligence. But how does the on set tutor work? Because I feel like I would find that chick, just grease up her palm immediately, tell her that I'm going to be over at craft services and let's just see if we can work this out because I'm not going to spend six hours a day in this trailer with you.

[Haley Joel Osment]

I think yeah, there's good teachers and bad teachers like there is in regular school. And I just got lucky. I basically had the same teacher, a woman named Lois Carr from when I was on sitcoms as like a 6 and 7 year old all the way through to into high school with a few other good teachers in there. So like having someone that you're familiar with and who actually like cares about the outcome of this education isn't just in and out of one show was pretty important.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that something that your parents could request to have the same tutor?

[Haley Joel Osment]

Well, California actually has very, very strict laws about all of this, about the, to the minute, the amount of time you can be on the same. And thinking of it now, there's a lot of, you know, you spend a lot of time waiting on the movie set. And when I was a kid you didn't because you had to. The law is three hours of school, one on one tutor, tutoring a day. And you can only work like 7, 8, 9 hours in that age range. So you really have to shoot efficiently to make it all work.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, ironically, the folks that need the tutors on the set, or at least the tutors that go to that them are the kids with no money that are staying home. Because whether you get educated or not, hey, just made a quarter million bucks for your next film, you're going to, by the time you turn 18, you'll have more money in the bank than all the Corollas who've come before you, excluding myself combined have ever made. Whether you're educated or not, would you need a financial advisor for about two hours on the set every day talking about. I think that's a very good point.

[Haley Joel Osment]

I think with a lot of people who work in sports, in the entertainment. Yeah. I mean, you can make a lot of money and also blow it really quickly if you don't have someone over your shoulder for that.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, if it's not a rude question. We hear in the news all the time, or used to anyway, about former child stars losing all their money or parents taking advantage or poor management or whatever it is how you became a very, very big star at a very young age. And we're making really good money. How did you. What were the steps you took? Like you must have done something right away to be like, I had to take care of this.

[Haley Joel Osment]

I, I forget where the, the coot when the Coogan law went into effect. But yeah, I mean, there were stories, I think into the 80s of kids whose parents just took it all and basically jump in.

[Adam Carolla]

Cheryl Coogan was a porn star.

[Brian Bishop]

Odd they would name it after her.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, totally unrelated. She was good.

[Haley Joel Osment]

She really cared about the kids, really cared about the kids. So the money was basically in a trust fund until I was 18. And when you're 18, you probably, I mean, generally should have a little bit more of a mature attitude than when you're like 13 about what you would buy with that money.

[Adam Carolla]

It's funny that we, I believe, by the way, the 18 should be bumped up just like the bar mitzvah should be bumped up to maybe 17. The 18 should be bumped up to like 26. Because 18 was good when you died at 44. But 18. Now, first off, everyone is wildly immature at 18. They've been playing fucking video games their entire lives. And I mean, it used to be in this country like 18, you know, when Abe Lincoln was 18, he was a man.

[Haley Joel Osment]

I don't know if you're an 18.

[Allison Rosen]

Year old that I think is an adult, that's just not an adult anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

No. And your mentality is not really that of a man. I mean, back when these guys were tilling the soil and working the farm and, you know, had to buck up and all that stuff. 18 was just, you were a grown man or you'd fought in a war or something by then. I don't know any 18. I don't know many 25 year olds. But seeing as people now live to 80 and we're super immature because all we do is drink sports drinks and play video games, maybe watch Internet, maybe We should bump that up to like 23.

[Allison Rosen]

I agree, but why do you have to be 25 to rent a car? Why is that the one thing?

[Haley Joel Osment]

Because the insurance companies are the smartest. They know you're not.

[Adam Carolla]

They know you're a piece of shit at 96.

[Haley Joel Osment]

How they protect themselves.

[Adam Carolla]

And we'll get to bar mitzvah junior year of college. Yeah, man, that makes sense.

[Haley Joel Osment]

No, you can tell. I know. Just, I'm 25 now, and I know that I make a lot better decisions now than I did when I was 20. And yet when you're 20, you feel like, I'm here, I'm an adult, like I'm in that clinic. And your brain isn't done growing in yet.

[Adam Carolla]

It's insane how immature you can be while being able to sire a child and fight in a war and buy beer in certain parts of Canada.

[Allison Rosen]

Let's just change when puberty strikes because there's a lot of extra years that no one really needs. Like what 13 year old needs all that happening.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we don't. And as a matter of fact, I do feel like the puberty is heading the wrong direction. And the maturity level, there's gonna be a pretty, pretty big chasm there because it used to be, oh, I got a pube. Oh, I got a job on a farm, working at a logging camp or whatever. I got this woman, Becky, pregnant. We're gonna get married, and that'll be that. Now it's completely gone off the rails. Yeah, we gotta do something. We gotta start putting something in the Mountain dew or the McDonald's or something, whatever the hormone is. I don't know what the delivery system is, but we got to start pushing back that it's interesting.

[Brian Bishop]

Yeah, yeah, I'm on board.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm on with you too.

[Haley Joel Osment]

Well, it changes your perception of musicians too, because growing up as like a teenager, you think of Keith Richards and Keith Moon as guys who are adults getting into that mayhem. They're like 17, 18, 19. It makes it all that stuff make a little more sense.

[Adam Carolla]

I know when you realize that these professional athletes, these music musicians and people like that, we were trashing hotel rooms or trashing clubhouses or doing whatever. The guy was 22. Yeah. Then you cut him some slack. All right, we got some news to do.

[Brian Bishop]

Does M Night ever call you drunkenly?

[Allison Rosen]

His name is Knight.

[Brian Bishop]

Does ever call you drunkenly? Haley. Two words. The Seventh Sense.

[Haley Joel Osment]

The studio did want to do another one.

[Adam Carolla]

I can imagine. Haley, sorry to it. Call. Call you so late at me.

[Brian Bishop]

It's mid Me. I'm sorry.

[Tyler Levine]

I drunk again.

[Adam Carolla]

I haven't had a good night's me in alone. I'm in a good me's night. I'm in a shit. I'm drunk on that.

[Brian Bishop]

You are drunk.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. I'm going to sober up. DraftKings, baby. Fantasy football far from over. My listeners still winning serious do ray [e-mail] A few weeks ago they gave away $1 million, everyone. I'm sorry to sound like Thurston Howe III when I say that, but Lovey, come on. DraftKings takes watching football and now playoff football to a whole new level. You can win instant cash every week. They're giving away 200 million bucks over the course of the season. That is DraftKings, Dawson.

[Commercial Announcer]

DraftKings is letting Adam Carolla listeners play for free to win real cash. Enter [e-mail] for a quick free shot at your share of that 200 million dollar pot. Hurry. This amazing offer expires this Friday. For details and your free entry, enter adam [e-mail] draftkings.com all right, Allison, let's.

[Adam Carolla]

Do a little news. Haley, hang out crack wise and we'll be home before you know it.

[Commercial Announcer]

The news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes as bad as Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it cut. It's Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

Allison. So Apple is going to have to refund millions of dollars to consumers for allowing kids to make in app purchases without their parents permission. Adam, do you know what an in App purchase is? I know that you're busy playing Candy Crush all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

I know what in App employees are, but I'm not that. I don't know know this part. I know my kids are constantly trying to buy things on their do they know passwords? I don't know if they watch game shows. I don't. There's a part of here's what I figured out. Here's honestly the way I look at life. I walk around the house, all the lights are on, the space heater's on in my kid's room, he's off at school, blah blah blah. God knows what. My kids are shopping year round and. And I just figure there is just so much money flying out the Corolla house window, it's not even worth me running down the street trying to gather it all up into my skirt. I can't do it all. I have to do is go out there and sell some more Mangria. So I can just not run down the street and chase it.

[Allison Rosen]

Because I'm sure you have to support their habits.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure they've racked up huge, huge bills.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, so it used to be that if you wanted to purchase something through the itunes store, you had to put in your password every time and they changed it so that you put in your password and then for a 15 minute window you can just make more purchases without. But it's actually for adults. It's a nice thing to not have to put it in every time for a little while.

[Adam Carolla]

I think there's gonna be a problem and I know there's gonna be a problem when things don't become tangible. You know, we started off in this country, right? That's why people get into trouble. Even student loans and things, things you can't see. You know, we started off going, here's a pelt, give me a blowjob or hand job. I mean, it doesn't always have to.

[Brian Bishop]

Be, was it that easy?

[Adam Carolla]

It was that easy. No, it was like, here's a beaver pelt. And everyone knew what the fuck it was. And it took a long time to get and it was, you know, it took a lot of energy.

[Allison Rosen]

That's why pimps wear so much fur.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. So did they trace their roots?

[Allison Rosen]

They explained it now back to back to the creek.

[Adam Carolla]

The bishop Don magic wand once told me. So there was like a pelt and then there was a chunk of gold, a nugget, something, a coin, something been minted and had some heft and some weight. And at some point when people went to paper money, we still got that, it was $20. But it wasn't, it wasn't worth $20 itself in material.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it was a symbol.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the pelt was worth. And then we started getting into checks and it became a little bit easier to buy goofy shit and then credit cards. And it got super easy to buy goofy shit. And then just the sort of instant credit and debit and all the pay for and all the accounts that automatically now it makes it very easy to go down to the Ballys and Burbank, swipe your piece of platform, sign up for a five year membership. It'll automatically debit your card every month for $29 and you'll never fucking set foot in that place and you don't even know it. And once you get enough of those going, that sort of becomes your relationship.

[Allison Rosen]

Those kind of things that just renew automatically. Especially if they're small amounts are super insidious. Because like right now there's a couple like thirteen, twelve dollar things that I'm like, oh, did I cancel that? I don't know, but I kind of don't care enough to take.

[Adam Carolla]

And then what happens is you, your family, and you sort of become like the government. Like you're sitting around and you're going, California has wasted $60 million on a train to nowhere. And you go, suckers, idiots. And you go, wait a minute, that's our money. And they just start throwing these numbers out to deficits. And this thing, thing ran $200 million over budget, and this, that and the other. And you just kind of sit there and you just go, well, what are you gonna do? It's a huge number. I didn't pay it. You did pay it, but not really. It doesn't feel like you paid it. There's a separation. The pelt, the beaver pelt. If somebody said this bullet train to San Francisco is running 7 million pelts over budget, you go, fuck that. I spent the whole Sunday morning that freezing, crazy, trying to get those pelts. No way. Like, you'd be outraged, right?

[Haley Joel Osment]

I worry about when they do the thing where your credit card is on your, like an app on your phone. So everything is just waving your phone at stuff. Even just doing this now is enough of a step to make you think twice about swiping or something.

[Adam Carolla]

I sort of think our kids are gonna grow up in not only a virtual world where everything is just kind of simulated, but the money will be kind of simulated too, which is you don't get paid in anything. The money just goes right to your account. And then the Ballys and Burbank will take 29.75amonth out of that account. You'll know it or you won't know it. It's kind of invisible. You don't really feel this thing, but.

[Allison Rosen]

You only know it when you get into trouble. You only know it when you don't.

[Haley Joel Osment]

Have enough or someone hacks in and steals all your stuff from your account. Like Venmo and PayPal. Ask immediately to link to a bank account, which to me just seems like one more opportunity for some 15 year old to break in and take all your cash.

[Adam Carolla]

And also, again, there's a sort of detachment and caring. There's a part of it where it's like, hey man, there's parts of Africa where they got the mosquitoes and they need the nets. And there's a party that goes, yeah, someone Ought to do something anyway. Let's go to the Hometown Buffet. I'm fucking dying. You know what I mean? They intellectually understand it, but then you go, it's same with a lot of big government. You know, someone will say, our deficit 200kajillion dollars, and you go, what are you gonna do? Let's go to the Hometown Buffet. And we're. Now that's bleeding into our own lives. I don't know what relationship my kids are gonna have with money. You don't work anymore. I mean, you're not like, out in the sun, you know, not like, oh, my back's killing me from working all day. Everything's electronic and digital. Like, I just think they're gonna. We're gonna have to have some classes and we're gonna have to coach some people up because we're gonna lose it. The connection with the pelts, definitely what.

[Allison Rosen]

Amazes me is kids who can operate an iPhone before they can read and write. And I think that. I think that is a very common thing.

[Brian Bishop]

Most kids, I think, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Haley Joel Osment]

I see babies do it like they had a baby playing with an iPhone and they put a magazine in front. The baby's trying to swipe the ads around.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

The analog version of that is that I used to scratch and sniff all my illustrated books, even that weren't even scratch and sniff.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a version when I get really drunk and try to beat off for the second time that looks a little like this. Sad, sad. Only the second first is fine.

[Brian Bishop]

Easy peasy.

[Adam Carolla]

So anyway, Apple, go for the deuce.

[Allison Rosen]

Apple will pay out at least 32.5 million. They're gonna provide full refunds to consumers who have been affected. Just a couple examples. One consumer complained to the FTC Federal Trade Commission that her daughter had spent 2,600 on tap. Pet hotel. Others reported that their kids had racked up as much as 500. So Apple has emailed consumers who may have been impacted. But consumers can also reach out to Apple if they believe they've been affected. And Apple says protecting children has always been a top priority for the App Store. But here's something interesting. If the refunds do not reach 32.5 million, Apple will be required to pay the balance to the Federal Trade Commission. What do they do with it?

[Adam Carolla]

They're up to no good. I mean, it should just be, you know, Jews for Jesus or something. Right? Or, you know, just make a wish or whatever. Yeah. Something for the kids.

[Brian Bishop]

St. Jude's yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Make a Wish Foundation. St. Jude's what is it?

[Allison Rosen]

Didn't they give them the remainder in itunes gift cards?

[Haley Joel Osment]

Right.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Yeah.

[Haley Joel Osment]

We're so sorry. And you can have 50% of your losses at any Apple store in California.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what I never understand with talking about the relationship between money and concrete things like pelts and stuff. The people like survivalists who don't trust the bank who want to put their. To turn their money into gold. If shit goes down, what good are gold bars gonna do you? I understand the idea that there's some intrinsic value, but really if you're hungry and you're freezing, what is gold gonna do for you?

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's just a lesser. I think they're just doing a maximum math where they go. Well, all the electronic stuff's going to go when the grid goes down. So that's going. And then your checkbook's not going to mean squat. I think they just move and then they move toward. Well, your nickel's not really worth a nickel because it's not made out of nickel. And then they'll just keep moving toward cash. Which good says 100 on there. But it might as well just say 1 on there or 0. So they move toward gold. But even though gold's not going to to be able to do and you could throw it at somebody.

[Allison Rosen]

But I said but maybe they're thinking.

[Adam Carolla]

For a little while I think that.

[Allison Rosen]

It'Ll be a currency.

[Adam Carolla]

They think there's always going to be Armenians out there willing to trade.

[Brian Bishop]

Something shiny.

[Adam Carolla]

They're going to think that there's always going to be someone who'll trade for this where the cash. I just say they're not going to trade for this.

[Allison Rosen]

It feels bad for that person because what good is the gold going to do that person?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they have a lot of munitions and can food stockpiled as well. It's not just bullion.

[Haley Joel Osment]

You're right.

[Allison Rosen]

You're right.

[Haley Joel Osment]

Making a bet on like a truly desperate situation, like like waving a gold bar at someone to let you get on the last helicopter out or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Like it's right.

[Haley Joel Osment]

It's not going to be a couple trips to the store every week. You know, one gold bar at a time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Shaving them. Shaving them off. You get one of those cheese graters? Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you have change for a gold bar?

[Adam Carolla]

I think you're going to. I think you think you can trade it and yeah, it's the one. It's the last.

[Allison Rosen]

You really could actually when I think.

[Adam Carolla]

Of it, it's the last chopper out of Hanoi. And you want on gold.

[Haley Joel Osment]

Shellager would be a good middle ground because if the gold is worth something, that's going to be useful. But everybody always wants alcohol.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like the booze, it will be the new pelt once. Once the apocalypse comes.

[Allison Rosen]

I wonder if people are stockpiling booze. They should be stockpiling Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

I would have barrels. I mean, I got to tell you, first off, off, all the syntax stuff, I would want that, the booze, the cigarettes. Here's how I would basically work my survival system under very simple auspices. How does it work in prison? All right, cigarettes, that's the main. Okay, stock up on cigarettes. What else? Booze, drugs, whatever works in prison. Because prison is basically a little microcosm of the end of the world and a bunch of scary people living together. Right. So how do you get along in prison?

[Allison Rosen]

Stick with your kind. For sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Stick with your kind and have.

[Allison Rosen]

Take a boyfriend.

[Adam Carolla]

Have a lot of cigarettes and booze.

[Brian Bishop]

Kick someone's ass the first day.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't ask anyone what they're in for, but do ask them how long they're.

[Adam Carolla]

There for, saying, use a basic and simple prison model to use on the outside when the. When the apocalypse hits. And that'll work again. I would rather have, have cartons of cigarettes and bottles of Smirnoff than I would, you know, blocks of golden cans of beans.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Yeah.

[Haley Joel Osment]

It is disturbing to me, though. If you look at the bottom of canned food, it expires in like two years. It's not like this indefinite food supply. Like, there's canned food in my kitchen that just went bad this year. And I've only had it since, you know, for a few months.

[Adam Carolla]

I know you gotta take it down, pull the wrapper off and take it to the mission. Put a dent in it and take it to the mission.

[Haley Joel Osment]

Everybody with those, those bunkers should go and check the expiration date.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I think they have like the military grade whatever. And also, I don't like it when they get too highfalutin, like when it's the end of the world. We've had the apocalypse.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And they do that all the time where they'll literally. You add hot water and then all of a sudden you have, you know, chateau, whatever or what I'm trying say.

[Brian Bishop]

To think tiny soup.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they'll have all. Yeah, French. I'll just, I'll live off the beans until we get back on the grid. Yeah, I know.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, speaking of food, Pizza Hut is going to start selling pizza by the slice. It's huge news in the pizza world.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. That's not a good sign, Haley.

[Brian Bishop]

They might need a pitch man again.

[Ray Oldhoffer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Haley Joel Osment]

I'll see if those residuals are contacts over there.

[Adam Carolla]

Still probably try the new gimp foot.

[Allison Rosen]

Interesting. Why do you think it's a bad sign?

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's a bad sign because if you ever go into liquor stores that sell cigarettes individually, that's a bad sign. And I don't know why, but I look at this as just sort of the not so distant cousin to that place and that thing.

[Allison Rosen]

You're right. It's never an upscale shop that sells, like, cloves or cigarettes. Just one at a time, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

The more little bottles of booze and single cigarettes they sell, the worse the neighborhood.

[Brian Bishop]

Too big. Too little. Both bad for booze. Both had signs for the neighborhood. Huge jugs bad.

[Adam Carolla]

Or the little travelers? Yeah, bad. A nice fifth of the serve, 50 milliliter. That's when you know you're in a good neighborhood. Let me tell you about Education Match. I love these guys. Get a jump on 2014 with your new Year's resolutions. Brian, baby, people with a college degree earn $1 million more over the course of their lifetime versus people who don't. That's $1 million. Call Education Match today, 855-507-0607. Opportunities tailored for your lifestyle and needs, including online and traditional campus programs. Certificates, diplomas, associates, bachelor's, master's, even doctoral degrees. Gotta love that. Wanna be smart, man. You wanna make that money? Call Education Match toll free today, 855507, 0607. Speak to a dedicated representative and find the right option for you. You gotta further your education, man. Execute, baby. Remember. Execute. 855507, 0607. Take the first step. Put that shitty job in your rearview mirror, man, and let's execute in 2014, baby. All right, baby girl, let's keep going.

[Allison Rosen]

So they're testing the new business model by opening two specialty shops in Nebraska and Rhode Island.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you want to get a slice? You're going to Nebraska. Yeah. Those Corn Huskers can really fucking make a slice over there. I can't. I mean, we've all been to New York. We've all had a slice. We've all had it done, right? I blame this country for losing its fucking taste buds and doing everything. Just by sort of caloric count, is it Ray's Pizza or John's?

[Haley Joel Osment]

Ray's?

[Allison Rosen]

There's both.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's Ray's and then in The Village.

[Allison Rosen]

John's.

[Adam Carolla]

More upscale one.

[Allison Rosen]

John.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like me and Phil Rosenthal went down there in a little mandate once.

[Haley Joel Osment]

The one on 6th Avenue?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, John's. And it's such a simple equation. I mean, it's one thing when. The Soviets were trying to work out their jet engines and they came to visit Britain and they're trying to figure out the alloy compound for the impeller and propeller because they're all exploding all that kind of stuff, and it's a very difficult time. This isn't that difficult. Just go down there, see what kind of oven they use, get their ingredients, get their dust, start serving on a paper plate and go. It doesn't get any better than this. And move the fuck on with your life. It's pizza. Why? Why do we fuck it up? It's not that hard. And we should just simulate it and synthesize it. It's not even the water. I think they figured that one out. What's the big deal? Why can't we do this?

[Allison Rosen]

Where are you with the pineapple and Canadian ham?

[Adam Carolla]

I like it. I stand by it. I'm not proud of it. You know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

You're not proud of its existence or you're not proud of the fact that you're.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, here's what I'm saying. I like Canadian bacon and pineapple on a pizza. I don't think I would order a pizza that way. But if I ordered three to five pizzas, one would be that way. I like mmm Bop by Hanson. I didn't have a windbreaker made up that said, I like pineapple pizza and mmm Bop by Hanson. But I don't want to be a hypocrite asshole that says, oh, man, I only listen to Velvet Underground and Ena John's. I do like it. I'm not saying it's good. I'm saying I like it. And I'm not gonna lie about the things I like.

[Allison Rosen]

You also like I Am Woman by Helen Reddy.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a sweet, sweet song I'm just trying to think of and a positive message.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, guilty pleasures we know of yours.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's break down pizza with Canadian bacon and pineapple on it. First it's pizza that's pretty fucking good. Then it's got Canadian bacon on it that's pretty fucking good. So all it does is have a grapefruit that is attached. And I said, great. Not great, But I like pineapple, too. So there's no offense, here for me.

[Brian Bishop]

Well, salty and sweet is just a great combination.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking Great combination. And I will say this to all the haters out there.

[Brian Bishop]

Listen up, haters.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen up. Listen, pizza za. Haters. Zeters. Listen. Zeters. Catherine Zeters Jones is out there. When I have a Christmas party or whatever party over here and the pizzas roll out, you get the cheese, you get the sausage, you get the pineapple, Hawaiian style, whatever, and you get the veggie lovers. The pineapple is gone long before the veggie lovers and possibly before the cheese. I don't think it'll go before the pepperoni and not before the sausage, but I think it'll have a run at the cheese and it'll dust the veggie lovers.

[Allison Rosen]

I think you're right. It's been maligned for too long.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Come out of the darkness. Fuck Hawaiian pizza.

[Adam Carolla]

It's really. It's the Alf of pizza, where people go, I don't like alf. You like alf? Yeah. I thought it was funny. Good. I didn't want to say anything, but I thought it was pretty good.

[Brian Bishop]

But this is good news.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I mean, I know it's well trodden soil saying that Hawaiian pizza is the Alf of pizzas. I know you've heard it many times before. It's kind of fucked out, but that's what I stand by it.

[Allison Rosen]

Cliche. Because it's true.

[Adam Carolla]

It's true. Now I want a slice of that.

[Brian Bishop]

I kind of do, too.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, good. I don't have any haters here. Let's bring it home, baby girl.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen's Ibid Khans.

[Commercial Announcer]

That was the news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so pepperoni, sausage, onion, cheese. Veggie lovers. Veggie lovers. All right, let me say something about the veggie lovers. I like veggies, but the tomato. Round tomato slices on top of the pizza, which is covered with tomato paste, just makes a weird tomato slick. It's like the tomato wet its bed. It's slimy and weird, and the big chunks of green pepper on there overpower it. Yes. There's a version. Look. Okay. Let's just say you're vegetarian. Good. There's something called an olive pizza, and there's something called a mushroom pizza. Enjoy one of those. And possibly red onion or something like that. Why do we take the one, have the salad shooter, barf on it and then send it to you? It tastes like shit.

[Allison Rosen]

Right, Agreed.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a salad on top of a.

[Allison Rosen]

Pizza, but I don't like it that way. Not in those proportions.

[Adam Carolla]

That's Right. I'll tell you what. Yes.

[Haley Joel Osment]

There's one thing I tried recently. My friend from Puerto Rico brought it back called banana ketchup. That doesn't taste like either of those things, but is great to sort of dip a slice in. It's kind of like this nice brushing.

[Adam Carolla]

Backhand.

[Haley Joel Osment]

Yeah, like a little backhand. You pour it in the. In the box. So I'm submitting that as another fruit that cooperates with pizza pretty well.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, I'll try then. GoToMeeting, baby. Start your new year off right. Start smart with GoToMeeting. Brought to you by Citrix. You want to start a new business. You want to take care of your family. All easy to do with GoToMeeting. You can do it from your computer, use your mobile device. You can launch your first meeting in seconds. Share the screen, collaborate on documents, spreadsheets, projects, all do it. Just do it in real time, real easy. Go to meeting, use the webcam, see each other face free. 30 day trial. No credit card required. Visit GoToMeeting.com Click on the Try it free button. Use the promo code ADAM. That's GoToMeeting.com promo code ADAM. Meeting is believing. All right, I told you. We're doing a bunch of live shows. You can go to AdamKroll.com and see when we're rolling into a town near you. I'm going to be signing a lot of bottles of Mangria and you can go to Corolla drinks and find that out. Brian's got a book out. I got a book out. Well, it's coming out. You can pre order it on Amazon. Just go look us up and get us both on the New York Times bestseller list.

[Brian Bishop]

I do love when it's customers who bought this. Also bought. And you know, I mean, it's one of the other. It's kind of cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I. I like it. So do the Lord's work. All right. Haley Joel Osment, the movie, the TV show, the Spoils of Babylon. Third tonight, 10 o' clock IFC. And we're in the third. And let's keep the party going. Haley, come by anytime since you're in the neighborhood.

[Haley Joel Osment]

Definitely.

[Adam Carolla]

Say hi and talk pizza with us.

[Caller Brian]

I will.

[Adam Carolla]

So till next time, Zam for Haley Allison Bald saying mahalo. Here's a pelt. Give me a blowjob.

[Tyler Levine]

All right, that does it for today's Kroll classics.

[Adam Carolla]

Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment. Until then, mahalo. And get it on. Just one Less fight and Charlie's Angels.

[Allison Rosen]

Damn, I hate to fly.

[Adam Carolla]

Launch into Sci Fi Adventure with the fifth Element and laugh through the mayhem in Tropic Thunder. What is going on here? All the thrills, all for free. Pluto TV Stream now pay never.