Adam Carolla (3:58)

Yeah. Gotta get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate. Get it on. Welcome to the podcast. We're up here at Happy Endings doing our Sunday football wrap up. Cousin Sal, another thing.

Mike August (4:09)

Mike August has got to be one of the biggest boobs I've ever met.

Adam Carolla (4:12)

Wait, we're on. We're hot. We're hot.

Mike August (4:14)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Adam Carolla (4:15)

That's of course, Dickie Barrett from the Boss Stones.

Cousin Sal (4:18)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (4:19)

And. And a couple things. Yeah. Good times. Sorry about the Cowboys. Sorry about the Rams. Sorry about the Patriots. All our teams lost.

Cousin Sal (4:28)

It's been a long season, Adam. It really has. I don't know how we've gotten through it.

Adam Carolla (4:33)

Can I say this? Of course. My Rams are 02, Dallas 02, Pats 1 and 1. But the thing about the Patriots is, you know, if you're a Rams fan, obviously you take losing in stride. The Patriots were perpetual losers and started winning a few years ago, and then everyone immediately got used to whatever temperature was in that hot tub. And now it's like, what the fuck? No doubt they only won by 21 and their weekends ruined because the Pats only crushed another team or they didn't.

Mike August (5:02)

Recover in that hot tub. But since they got in there, there have been winners.

Adam Carolla (5:06)

You understand? But it's football. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. You don't win a Super bowl every year. You don't go 160 every year.

Mike August (5:16)

When you were micing me, you probably promised you'd make me feel better.

Adam Carolla (5:18)

I'm just saying I'm feeling worse. You and Hinch are like 34 seconds.

Mike August (5:22)

Left in the game.

Cousin Sal (5:23)

There's still time is what you said.

Mike August (5:24)

And There might be 34 seconds left in me on this podcast.

Adam Carolla (5:27)

You and Hinch or Crest ball, like, why? Why did we lose? I understand What. What's up with the officiating? Like, you play games, sometimes you lose.

Mike August (5:34)

I've had a really tough sports year, Adam, and as long as I'm on your couch.

Adam Carolla (5:37)

Yeah.

Mike August (5:37)

My Celtic season didn't end that well.

Adam Carolla (5:39)

No, that was tough.

Mike August (5:40)

Yeah, I'm very.

Adam Carolla (5:41)

That was tough. Yeah. Yeah.

Mike August (5:44)

Am I gonna have to get racial in here?

Adam Carolla (5:46)

No, don't get racial in here. We know you're thinking racial. Don't get racial. Oh, my God. We have a black troublemaker in the audience. I know that sounds like an oxymoron. Black in audience never really works out.

Mike August (6:05)

Provoking the already sensitive Boston guy. Taunting. I'm gonna throw a taunting flag on Mike right now.

Adam Carolla (6:12)

So, Mike, let me ask you, our good friend, our good brother Mike. Let me. Mike, how long. Mike, your dreads are. I'm a carpenter. And if I went from your scalp to the end of the dreads. You have over 2 foot worth of dreads. Yeah. How does that work? Do you ever get a haircut? Three different times. Okay, can't you just hire someone to do that? Like, I. That's what I do.

Cousin Sal (6:46)

You don't shower.

Adam Carolla (6:50)

I can't hire anybody.

Mike August (6:51)

Man, I wish I could hire somebody.

Adam Carolla (6:55)

All right, so everyone's lost this weekend. Look, the Pats are going to crush Buffalo next weekend, and you guys will be two and one and you'll be fine. There'll be no problem.

Mike August (7:04)

However, jets today, I was a little bit worried before the game. I'm talking everybody. Aren't you a little bit worried? The Patriots defense is not that good, and the jets defense is damn good. And everyone's saying, no, no, you went through it with me, too. You said. Sally said there's, you know, suffering some injuries. Yeah, you should be okay.

Cousin Sal (7:26)

It's one of those things, like our friend Simmons and Hanch like, oh, the jets are done. The jets are done. And like, oh, boy, Sanchez.

Adam Carolla (7:32)

Look, like last weekend, Simmons left here.

Mike August (7:35)

At halftime, all inflated with a hot on crying right there.

Adam Carolla (7:40)

Hold on. He had a hat on.

Mike August (7:41)

Had a hat on.

Adam Carolla (7:45)

Hat on.

Mike August (7:46)

His cargo pants.

Cousin Sal (7:47)

How would you say hard hat had.

Mike August (7:48)

A pair of cargo pants? And he had hot on in him. And he left here like he was king of all. And now he's crying on his Twitter page. I'm guessing, I'm guessing. And I love them dearly. I could have kidney if he needed one, but Jesus, he said they were gonna. There was no chance. And I'm waiting for Sanchez to make a mistake that never came.

Adam Carolla (8:10)

But if you really think about it, I mean, You Patriot fans, you Celtic fans, you Red Sox fans. When the times are good and you're winning and everything, it's really like Palestinians without a wall or war, you know, what are you gonna do with yourselves? You know what I mean? You need someone to throw a rock at, don't you? Really? Aren't you happiest when you take to the street with a rock in your hand and a Molotov cocktail? That's when you guys are happy. That's all we're best when you're just winning at home and everything's hunky dory and nobody's, Nobody's firing any rockets over the wall. You don't have to do with yourselves.

Mike August (8:45)

Right? You're right. You're right.

Adam Carolla (8:50)

So this is the reason you're alive.

Mike August (8:52)

That's why we're so damn bitter. Really. Tell you the truth, I'm a 45 year old guy and I've spent most of those years on the losing end of those teams, with the exception of, you know, maybe early Bruins.

Adam Carolla (9:04)

That's an interesting. You know, it's an interesting Celtics, I.

Mike August (9:07)

Guess the Celtics are during the 80s.

Adam Carolla (9:09)

We have, we have Sal. Sal's a couple of beautiful kids. I have a couple kids. One of them's good looking. Dickie. You're thinking about renting some kids at some point in your life.

Cousin Sal (9:20)

Got tattoos of kids.

Adam Carolla (9:21)

You have tattoos of Sal's kids. You know, you realize if you take those kids and you rape. Well, I mean, you can ruin them out here. I'm sure the damage is already done with Dallas and Archie and Sal's kids. And the damage would be done with your kids, but in a way, sort of like raising them with a wacky religion. Isn't that a form of abuse? You know what I'm saying? If you went back to Boston, or maybe you went to Cleveland, or maybe you went to Chicago and you raise your kids, then they have to fucking have a life of living and dying with the Cubs and living and dying with the Bears, and it's got a lot more dying than there is living. Because if you really break it down, best case scenario, the team wins a Super bowl every eight years or wins a World Series every 12 years. You know, they're never. It's like a report card where you can almost never get an A and there's lots of Fs and Ds on it. Like, in a weird way, if you think about it, shouldn't you just go to Arizona or California and raise your kid and just do it in some Sort of team neutral zone where it's like, they're not having to fucking go through. Dickie, think all the misery that the Patriots, the Celtics, there's much pride. As many moments of pride and accomplishment as you've had over, you know, black people doing things that you could never do on a court or on the turf. As much pride as you felt, there's been 10 times as more heartache. Right?

Mike August (10:53)

Absolutely. Right on the money.

Adam Carolla (10:54)

But what would you want for your kid?

Mike August (10:56)

What am I going to.

Adam Carolla (10:57)

The alternative is they think about things like school and getting laid. Getting laid.

Mike August (11:04)

I'm with you on getting late.

Adam Carolla (11:05)

And a career. And they're not living and dying.

Cousin Sal (11:08)

Oh, you're supposed to want better.

Mike August (11:10)

It's really good.

Adam Carolla (11:13)

It's a rare case where wanting better means wanting nothing.

Cousin Sal (11:16)

Yeah, interesting.

Adam Carolla (11:18)

Like, I mean, sound.

Cousin Sal (11:19)

And let it be their fault, too.

Adam Carolla (11:21)

Yeah. Like I said, the damage is done. But if I could have a wish for my kid, it'd be that they just. I mean, think about all the guys who don't give a shit, like. Like where you talk to them after, you know, a Super Bowl Sunday, and you go, oh, man, that's a tough loss. And they go, what? What are you talking about? You're like, there was this super bowl was played two days ago. And they go, oh, was it. That was this weekend. I like when they do this.

Mike August (11:44)

I was cutting my sister's hair.

Adam Carolla (11:46)

Oh, yeah. I didn't know. Yeah. I'm a colorist. Yeah. I had no idea that was going. Aren't they happier in their own retirement?

Bill Simmons (11:52)

I decorated the day.

Cousin Sal (11:53)

You're right.

Adam Carolla (11:54)

We're never happier. Two days after the Super Bowl, Super Week 2.

Cousin Sal (11:57)

I'm gonna slip my wrist.

Adam Carolla (11:59)

This is crazy, right?

Cousin Sal (12:01)

This is what I waited for for eight months maybe.

Adam Carolla (12:03)

Just like we shouldn't raise our kids as Hasidic Jews, we shouldn't raise them as Dallas fans or Patriots fans. I don't even think would be if they're doing an expansion team. You could do worse.

Cousin Sal (12:18)

That's not bad.

Adam Carolla (12:19)

Yeah.

Cousin Sal (12:20)

A lot of money on free agents, right?

Adam Carolla (12:22)

Instead of flipping the coin, you spin the trail. See, Dickie, you're unhappy, right? Two weeks into a season where you're going to go 11 and 5 and you're miserable. Yeah, right.

Mike August (12:36)

There's two things I don't understand right now. I don't understand how Tom Brady let that happen today. And I also don't understand the Hasidic juju.

Adam Carolla (12:44)

Well, let's talk about the town. You saw the town. I saw the town yesterday. I saw it, too. Dicky said, go see it. Dickie did one of these things, right? I was. I was driving. I'm not going to say along in my car like I usually do because you. You know, I wasn't at the range when I started driving. You get pretty good idea. I was in an automobile. I was driving along in my car and I turned it to, like, Sirius xm. I know, Hanius Radio or whatever. Whatever. The not urban, but it's like sort of eclectic 90s, whatever. And I heard the Rascal King pop up. Yeah. Yeah. Dick must called in requested moments earlier and hung up. But I heard the Rascal King pop up. And you know, I have a policy.

Mike August (13:32)

Track from the Where Are They Now?

Adam Carolla (13:33)

File.

Mike August (13:35)

I said, that's the money.

Adam Carolla (13:36)

I gotta call. I gotta call Dicky and tell him the Rascal Kings on the radio right now. So I call them, and he picked up.

Mike August (13:44)

And I'm on my couch scratching my nads and Admo.

Adam Carolla (13:49)

And he said. I said, the Rascals on. We started talking about the band, and they started talking about the town. And then he said, oh, man. I saw it. Said, Jimmy. Jimmy had it, gave me the disc. I watched it, loved it. I loved it. Should we do a little reenactment? Let's do a little reenactment. So how was the town, Dickie?

Mike August (14:10)

Adam, it couldn't have been better. I loved it. I mean, loved it.

Adam Carolla (14:14)

You saw it on Discount?

Mike August (14:18)

I saw it before my friends who were in.

Adam Carolla (14:20)

But it's good.

Mike August (14:21)

Love that.

Adam Carolla (14:21)

I should see it.

Mike August (14:23)

You should see it. And I'll tell you what. I'd go again.

Adam Carolla (14:25)

Oh, you'd go again? I would, yeah. All right.

Mike August (14:27)

We should go together.

Adam Carolla (14:28)

We should go together.

Mike August (14:29)

I think so.

Adam Carolla (14:29)

All right, I'm gonna go tomorrow. I'm thinking about tomorrow.

Mike August (14:31)

Okay, buddy, I'll talk to you later.

Adam Carolla (14:36)

All right. See you, Dicky.

Cousin Sal (14:37)

He hated it, right?

Adam Carolla (14:39)

What did you think he baited me with? I love the movie.

Bill Simmons (14:42)

I'll go again.

Adam Carolla (14:44)

I'd go again. I'd go with you. And then when I said, how about tomorrow? I hear Adam go, yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm done.

Mike August (14:51)

I call this now.

Cousin Sal (14:53)

What did you think of it?

Adam Carolla (14:54)

It was good.

Cousin Sal (14:55)

I might be the only one who wasn't over the moon about it.

Adam Carolla (14:58)

No, it was. I thought it was. I thought it was a very good first seven eights with a, you know, medium to lukewarm sort of ending. And you realize that great movies are kind of based on their ending.

Cousin Sal (15:14)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (15:15)

Not so much the body of it and the Last eighth makes up for three quarters of the movie. And it was.

Mike August (15:23)

Let me get a pencil. It was basically friggin numbers.

Cousin Sal (15:27)

No, I think you're right in most cases. But a movie like no country for Old Men that everyone loved throughout and then had a nothing ending. Yeah, that's what I hung on to.

Adam Carolla (15:36)

But the nothing ending was still a choice.

Cousin Sal (15:39)

Right.

Adam Carolla (15:39)

This was just a wrap it up, put a bow on it, it'll be nice, he'll retire sort of thing I don't want to do.

Cousin Sal (15:46)

Seems like an ending pitch can save a movie, but it doesn't help.

Adam Carolla (15:51)

It was. It was a very strong movie that sort of coasted a little bit at the very end. Definitely worth watching.

Cousin Sal (15:58)

My problem, I don't. I'll be general here, but if the FBI is following you 10 minutes into the movie, you shouldn't be able to pull off two, three capers before they get you to the real big caper. Right.

Mike August (16:09)

But if you're from.

Adam Carolla (16:11)

They sort of address that. They did address that. Like Vin Diesel addressed the cops following him around in Fast and Furious 3. Like, like where he showed up back at the. His own. At his house.

Cousin Sal (16:26)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (16:27)

Where his sister was living and everything. And she said, what are you doing? The cops are all over this place. They've been staking this place out for weeks. And he went, don't worry about it. And it was like, oh, okay, moving on. They doing all good movies.

Cousin Sal (16:40)

How does that happen when they're in the.

Adam Carolla (16:42)

Right.

Cousin Sal (16:42)

When they're putting the script together.

Adam Carolla (16:44)

I know, I know.

Cousin Sal (16:45)

Just say don't worry about it.

Adam Carolla (16:46)

Don't worry about it in this movie. They went, how are we going to do this big caper? I'm leaving names out intentionally. How are we going to pull off this big caper with all this heat on us? And they went, we've had heat before.

Cousin Sal (16:58)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (16:59)

Which was Vin's version of don't worry about it.

Cousin Sal (17:02)

That's true.

Adam Carolla (17:02)

Moving on. Also, I don't know, like, I like John Hamm, but you know, hey, if you're really good looking but you don't shave for two days, you're still really good looking. Don't give me that, hey, I'm one of you ugly guys. Because I couldn't find a razor for Doodale. Yeah. So there's a couple. Couple little holes. Also did that thing where like Ben Affleck was ex jock. He was. He was a hockey player. Yeah. And now he's ripped. He's like incredible. He's doing that. He's doing that. Move that Will Smith is doing and I am legendary thing, you know, he's hanging on the bar, doing it. Give him props for that. It's all. It's all fine. But that thing where he's an ex jock. X jocks balloon up that, you know, two days after they hang up on skates. Right? Tell me about it. Yeah. So nobody's less interested in staying in shape than the guy who no longer has to stay in shape that's doing what he does for a living. Right. But anyway, good movie. Definitely better. 90 of the snow stuff that's going to be out there. And Dickie says they should go. Right. Would you see it again?

Mike August (18:13)

We should go out later tonight.

Tom Beers (18:16)

Again.

Mike August (18:18)

I was telling you also, and I don't know if you got the full picture, last week was your first podcast here when we showed up. So I'm sitting. I don't know how to.

Adam Carolla (18:28)

All right.

Mike August (18:28)

So I'm sitting in these middle tables, and I see Donnie come through the door. And I'm kind of excited to say hello to him. But over there, the podcast is setting up on that side of the room. Room where I assume Donnie. And he came in real business, like.

Adam Carolla (18:40)

Sure.

Mike August (18:40)

He's all business through the door business, like. And I go. I go, hey, wheeze. And he gave me the. He gave me the one minute sign. Sure, one second. Hold on.

Adam Carolla (18:48)

Press business, Dicky.

Mike August (18:49)

I'm gonna get to you. But. And so I figured it. Head over there. He did like a. Like a kind of a U turn right over to the bar and got ordered the biggest beer they had.

Adam Carolla (18:59)

Sure.

Mike August (18:59)

And then he went over to deal with. One second.

Adam Carolla (19:02)

Yeah, it's.

Mike August (19:04)

I know you're busy, buddy.

Adam Carolla (19:06)

Yes. Listen, I had to get everything set up so I could really hunker down.

Carl's Jr. Voiceover (19:09)

On the game, you know what if.

Mike August (19:10)

You went and got everything set up? I would have been.

Cousin Sal (19:12)

I greet him now. Shake his hand now. Come on, he's here now this week.

Mike August (19:15)

I said, fuck you, whatever.

Adam Carolla (19:18)

All right. So we greeted the town.

Cousin Sal (19:24)

I thought the Hurt Locker guy was great, and I was a little underwhelmed by people who were.

Adam Carolla (19:29)

Did you. Was it too built up for you? Because I feel.

Mike August (19:33)

Was the Her Locker guy good enough to change his name now to the town guy?

Cousin Sal (19:36)

No, not yet.

Adam Carolla (19:39)

Town guy. Does he get a nomination? He might get a nomination for this, right? For what? Like for an award, you mean?

Mike August (19:45)

I've known a ton of Charlestown dudes, and that guy was more of a Charlestown dude than any.

Cousin Sal (19:51)

He was solid, right?

Mike August (19:52)

He was so solid at that scared me a little. He's scary. He's got an edge. You don't want to f. With him.

Adam Carolla (19:58)

Where did you grow up, Dickie? How close to Charlestown?

Mike August (20:00)

I grew up. I did 17 years in a town called Norwood, which was south and South.

Cousin Sal (20:05)

Those are pussies there.

Adam Carolla (20:06)

Yeah, probably.

Mike August (20:07)

No, they're actually. Everybody has a drinking problem and a nickname in that town.

Adam Carolla (20:13)

That was. How far from Charlestown?

Mike August (20:15)

Pretty far. I mean Charlestown's right in the city. It's right. Really, you can walk from Charlestown to downtown Boston. So it's pretty, pretty fun.

Cousin Sal (20:24)

There are a lot of Boston guys who, you know, like possibly were never in Charlestown. Like I'm trying to figure out how it would work.

Mike August (20:33)

Well, in the 70s and 80s, you didn't really. Unless you lived there, you didn't really go through there much.

Cousin Sal (20:38)

And there was like a half dozen towns like this.

Adam Carolla (20:40)

A lot of bank robberies in that area?

Mike August (20:42)

No, not really. They robbed most of their banks out of Charlestown. Then I knew and I knew some of the. Some Charlestown hoods that were into robbing banks. I knew some guys that went to jail for robbing banks.

Cousin Sal (20:54)

But yeah, why don't these banks fold, shop and just say, hey, this we're getting robbed.

Mike August (21:00)

That was a crazy thing too is.

Cousin Sal (21:01)

The first go to Harvard.

Mike August (21:03)

Harvard Square, which seems highly unlikely that anybody would have a bank there in the daytime.

Adam Carolla (21:09)

Too dense with cops. I mean to easy to get on that.

Mike August (21:13)

Yeah, it's too. It's too populated. It's always crowded. It's a huge. You know, it is.

Adam Carolla (21:18)

It is weird. Even in this modern age of helicopters and radios, they do a lot of like. Well, once he gets over the bridge, he's gone. Yeah, he's gone 80ft. But if you have a helicopter, you can still see the guy in the. In the suv, by the way, minivan. Again, I don't want to give away too much, but that's not a great getaway car. You driving a Ford era star. It's not a great. Yeah. Unless you try to get away from.

Mike August (21:42)

The preschool with the kids.

Adam Carolla (21:44)

Yes. If you're trying to get away from a soccer mom driving Pontiac Aztec maybe, but not the cop mobile. Yeah, yeah. And who was that chick? Who was. Who was the Alanis Morissette who was in there?

Cousin Sal (21:57)

Gaboray Sidibe.

Adam Carolla (21:58)

Was that her?

Cousin Sal (21:58)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (21:59)

Wow. She really lost some color and weight. Who was that?

Cousin Sal (22:04)

What was her name?

Adam Carolla (22:05)

Check things.

Mike August (22:08)

I haven't a clue.

Cousin Sal (22:09)

Someone's got to get. Yeah. What was she in. She was in something.

Adam Carolla (22:12)

I've seen her in other things.

Cousin Sal (22:13)

I can look it up there.

Adam Carolla (22:15)

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Adam Carolla (24:06)

Yeah, don't worry. Sal's looking up.

Mike August (24:10)

I wish I had an answer for you, Adam. I just don't.

Cousin Sal (24:12)

So you think she was too hot? I mean, some people say she would.

Adam Carolla (24:15)

Know, you know what? You know what she was. She was attractive, but not. Not too hot. But everyone, obviously, everyone's single in all these shows, which is always insane. And then they always do that thing too, in movies where they always. They always sort of bank a little on the fact that the guy's Ben Affleck, because in real life, he works at a quarry, right?

Cousin Sal (24:38)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (24:38)

So normally when a chick manages a bank and a dude works at a quarry, she ain't that interested in the dude, right? But there's always that little aspect, and it's Never really discussed where I go, well, that's Ben Affleck. You know what I mean? They'll do that. Like, George Clooney plays an alcoholic, unemployable drifter, pedophile. But you go, yeah, but she's still into it. Charlize Theron is still into him, even though she heads up Fortune 500 company. That's like. It's still him. We don't do that math. Like in real life. This guy makes $8 an hour, wears a jumpsuit and a hard hat, and she wants nothing to do with it. Right, but it's Ben Affleck.

Cousin Sal (25:19)

She is. Her name is Rebecca hall, and I don't know, maybe.

Mike August (25:25)

Wait, Monty Hall's daughter?

Cousin Sal (25:26)

That's right. She was in.

Adam Carolla (25:27)

She was in the City and the.

Cousin Sal (25:28)

County, starter for 10, rubber heart, the Prestige, Joe's Palace, Vicky Christina Barcelona.

Adam Carolla (25:37)

Oh, Vicky Christina Barcelona. I mean, what movies?

Will Sasso (25:41)

I don't know.

Cousin Sal (25:42)

How would we know? Frost, Nixon. What was she in?

Adam Carolla (25:44)

Oh, no, I remember her. And Vicky Christina Barcelona.

Cousin Sal (25:48)

Okay.

Adam Carolla (25:49)

She's. She's the uptight friend. Yeah. All right.

Cousin Sal (25:51)

Well, that's it.

Adam Carolla (25:52)

It's a good movie. I hate to say the time was good.

Mike August (25:55)

And most Boston guys I know seem to like it. Yeah, they like Craig Powell. Liked it. Liked it.

Adam Carolla (26:01)

That's good. Because, like, when Dr. Drew sees a movie about doctors, he's always like, fake. Oh, no way. No, that would never happen. They never.

Bill Simmons (26:12)

You're that way with the car guy too, right?

Adam Carolla (26:13)

On that way with Carpenter.

Bill Simmons (26:15)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (26:15)

And I see like a guy, oh, that's a finish hammer. It's not a framing hammer. No, no, no, no, no. Like when I was watching Lethal Weapon 2 and he picked up that air nailer and he fired it at the guy, I'm like, first off, the compressor would have to be on all night. Secondly, no, no. Carpenter leaves around their $600 Hitachi framing gun. You know, they pack that shit away in the bed box. And then thirdly, it's got a safety. You have to depress the thing in order to fire. It has to be pressed against something. You don't just pick it up and start firing it.

Cousin Sal (26:50)

And that ruins a movie for, like. At least for like.

Adam Carolla (26:53)

Ruined. Destroyed. Yeah, yeah. It broke down the fourth wall for me, so.

Cousin Sal (27:01)

And you can't even do that with that unless the compressor's on.

Adam Carolla (27:03)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got the compressor on. It's called a pneumatic nailer.

Cousin Sal (27:08)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (27:09)

Come on. Puts a hose up his ass, his farts into it. Pneumatic is right in the title. Hello. Christ. Hello. Ruined the entire movie for me, as a matter of fact. The franchise was destroyed. But I hated the movies I formerly enjoyed before that. Yeah. Bad times. All right.

Mike August (27:30)

You're right, Adam. You made me feel better. Those patriots.

Adam Carolla (27:34)

So the town is good now who. You know, when you think about. You think about Ben and you think about.

Mike August (27:42)

And I do, believe me, I do.

Adam Carolla (27:45)

Anything about. No, no, I mean, Bourne Identity guy, sir.

Cousin Sal (27:49)

Oh, Matt Damon.

Adam Carolla (27:50)

Matt Damon, like, who's had a better career? Like, does this. Does this get Ben out in front of Matt? Like, Matt's doing the whole. Bo. Bo. Good. Yeah. But. But now he's directed and written this one. Does he. He was a little behind. Does he get ahead of him now? I mean, they're both fine, right? You know, you don't feel sorry for either one of them.

Mike August (28:14)

Well, only came out last night. Let's see how it does. Maybe.

Adam Carolla (28:16)

I think it's good.

Cousin Sal (28:18)

Well, it's got the names and it's. It's getting some.

Adam Carolla (28:20)

Directed by, like. Matt didn't direct the Bourne series.

Cousin Sal (28:24)

Right. And what about, like, the Departed and stuff? Like.

Adam Carolla (28:28)

Like people were comparing it to very strong. Very strong. But again, he didn't write direct. You know what I mean? Like, he was gunned for hire there.

Mike August (28:39)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (28:39)

Put a gun to your head, Dickie. And again, I could just ask you this question, or I could put a gun to your head, but I prefer to put a gun to your head. Pneumatic nailer. Pneumatic framing gun against your head with 16 penny sinkers in it. Okay. Who? Matt Damon. Ben Affleck. Who's. Who's ahead right now in the sort of cosmic juice chart? I'd say that.

Mike August (29:01)

I'd say they're neck and neck. I'd say it's.

Adam Carolla (29:03)

They're. They're pretty neck and neck.

Cousin Sal (29:04)

Wow.

Mike August (29:05)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (29:05)

And. And then what if those two walk into a bar right now?

Mike August (29:08)

I don't care if Mike Bills agrees.

Adam Carolla (29:10)

With me or not. Mike? You have a problem with that? I think Matt Damon gets to ask. He gets the ass. What about your 80 pounds of hair? What would it say about this?

Cousin Sal (29:24)

That gets the ass, too. It gets your ass. It gets caught in your ass, tickles.

Mike August (29:30)

His ass in the shower.

Adam Carolla (29:32)

Damon gets the ass over Africa.

Cousin Sal (29:36)

He didn't have a G. Lee. Right.

Mike August (29:39)

Damon hangs with Clooney.

Cousin Sal (29:41)

Damon didn't have a clunker like G. Lee.

Adam Carolla (29:43)

And yeah, he didn't have clunkers. He did that movie with Joel McHale. Yeah. What's his name? Critically acclaimed. But what Was it the informant? Informant. But it didn't really get a lot of traction at the box office.

Bill Simmons (29:58)

Mm.

Adam Carolla (29:59)

And now this could be. There could be some, you know, Oscar buzz here.

Cousin Sal (30:03)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (30:04)

Wrote or at least co wrote, directed, starred in. I mean, this. This could be a big deal. Right.

Mike August (30:10)

Tony Barbieri was saying that this could be dancing. Directed, starred in, and got ripped. Where does he have to find the time?

Adam Carolla (30:19)

Yeah, right. Yeah.

Cousin Sal (30:25)

But according to director was a Nautilus, I think.

Adam Carolla (30:28)

Yeah. All right, so at this point, who's ahead of who? Dick, I remember I got a gun to your head.

Mike August (30:35)

Oh, I got to come up with a name. I can't go with it.

Adam Carolla (30:37)

They're not.

Mike August (30:39)

That's a cop out.

Adam Carolla (30:40)

That's. Yes, it's great.

Mike August (30:42)

You've got a pneumatic gun to my.

Cousin Sal (30:44)

But the compressor hasn't been on very well.

Mike August (30:47)

I, It's. I, I, I actually like the movies that that Ben Affleck is, whether whether they've done better or not done better. I like that Superman movie.

Adam Carolla (30:55)

He was in Reindeer Games.

Mike August (30:57)

No.

Adam Carolla (30:58)

All right, I'm going to call some out there. Yeah. We could pull up some bad ones for you.

Mike August (31:04)

I know you couldn't. And I don't think anybody was all that crazy about the Pearl harbor movie, which I enjoyed, and I was fine. The Daredevil was fine to me. I enjoyed watching that.

Adam Carolla (31:13)

Oh, Daredevil. Forgot about that. Played a blind superhero.

Mike August (31:18)

I like that movie at the Daredevil.

Adam Carolla (31:22)

By the way, when you're blind.

Mike August (31:23)

At the risk of sounding gay, I prefer Ben.

Adam Carolla (31:26)

He was blind in that. Right. And Dad's on, so. Like, walking to the bathroom.

Mike August (31:31)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (31:31)

You can earn the name Daredevil when you're blind. Right. Going to the fridge. Hey, I don't know if I've told you guys about this, but I decided, like, I've seen the blind guys walking the dogs with the handle on them, you know, versus a leash. We're all idiots for getting the leash for our dogs instead of the handle. You get the handle, you go anywhere you want. You know what I mean? You get that handle right into the restaurant, right into the kitchen, onto the plane, into the White House. You get a handle thing on your dog. No one's ever gonna go, hey, what? Where are you going? Hey, man, what the fuck? No. Get out of here. You go wherever you want with that handle on your dog. Right. And I feel like it'd be a better way to walk your dog because I'm constantly yanking on the leash and it's getting tied up, knots. It's getting caught. My dog does that thing where the leash goes under the front legs and comes out the ass. And then the dog's walking weird.

Cousin Sal (32:29)

Like Greg's hair.

Adam Carolla (32:30)

You do that right when his wife walks him. That gets. Always gets the hair cut under the. Caught under the crotch, like. And you gotta do that weird thing where you pull it out from under. How about just that handle?

Mike August (32:40)

Can I.

Adam Carolla (32:40)

Can I ask. No one argues with the hand.

Mike August (32:42)

Can I ask Sal a quick question?

Cousin Sal (32:43)

Go ahead.

Adam Carolla (32:43)

Sure.

Mike August (32:44)

So, as you're watching the games during the day, do you think I should collect a little information about the games for the podcast later on?

Cousin Sal (32:51)

Memorize Ben Affleck, slate.

Mike August (32:53)

And now in week two, do you.

Adam Carolla (32:54)

Realize that you don't see he's got Daredevil reindeer games. Sheely. What else?

Cousin Sal (33:00)

Clerks too. I'm saying.

Adam Carolla (33:02)

Clerks too. What the hell?

Cousin Sal (33:04)

Yeah, and there's like, Jersey Girl.

Adam Carolla (33:06)

Jersey Girl. Come on. You have to reevaluate this, Dicky.

Cousin Sal (33:10)

Smoking aces.

Adam Carolla (33:11)

Smoking ac. Didn't need that.

Cousin Sal (33:13)

He's just not that into you.

Adam Carolla (33:15)

Oh, he's just not that into you.

Mike August (33:17)

Was he in that?

Adam Carolla (33:18)

You're just too into him.

Cousin Sal (33:22)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (33:22)

Surviving Christmas. Yeah. Dickie, you gotta. You're gonna have to reevaluate.

Cousin Sal (33:27)

Come on, Dicky.

Adam Carolla (33:32)

All right.

Mike August (33:32)

And remember, you had a gun to my head.

Adam Carolla (33:34)

I have. I'm still holding a gun to your head. All right.

Cousin Sal (33:37)

He wants you to shoot him anyway.

Adam Carolla (33:39)

After Patriots performance, should we give a little football, Sal?

Cousin Sal (33:43)

Yeah, sure.

Adam Carolla (33:44)

What. What happened? Obviously, your Cowboys lost this week.

Cousin Sal (33:47)

I don't even know good anymore. Yeah, it's.

Adam Carolla (33:50)

Who are the top three teams in football?

Cousin Sal (33:52)

The packers look good. They seem to dominate both teams they played the Eagles, even though it ended up closer than it should have been, and. And the Bills today, which is not a great feat. So I put the packers at number ones. Boy, who else do we like? The Steelers without Roethlisberger have given us, I think, nine points in two weeks or something.

Adam Carolla (34:13)

Yeah, they're always going to be there because they don't give up any points. Yeah. And then who knows what. How Roethlisberger will be when he comes back. I mean, is it going to be rusty? Is he going to be in his refractory period? Like, how's it going to work then? You got the Saints, right?

Cousin Sal (34:30)

The saints are 1 and 0 going into tomorrow night. Yeah, they play San Francisco now.

Adam Carolla (34:34)

They're going to win tomorrow night. So when they win tomorrow night, they're going to be kind of the odds on repeat favorites.

Cousin Sal (34:41)

Yeah, well, the packers have A two game lead over the Vikings, who are owing to. Boy, Favre was really setting himself up for a, you know, another hero's welcome after throwing three picks today. He drove them downfield. Right, Dickie? We were saying he's going to do it again, but the Dolphins defense stepped up, so.

Adam Carolla (34:59)

But the point is, is. Is he having fun out there? Because when you stop having fun, anyone who's ever had a job cleaning carpets or scraping roofs or as a busboy knows when you stop having fun, that's when it's time to hang up your smock, right? Like that's the whole thing about. Like when I was working at McDonald's and my manager Ken would tell me to do a sweeping a mop at the dining area. I would think, is it fun? And if it wasn't fun, I wouldn't do it. You know what I mean? Because when you stop having fun, you know that that's the worst fucking advice I've ever heard in my life. So we stop having fun doing homework or doing push ups or not cheating on your wife. When that starts becoming fun, then it's time to hang it up.

Cousin Sal (35:45)

Yeah, right. I think that it works opposite in jobs like that. When you start having fun, you're ruined. That's when the burgers.

Adam Carolla (35:51)

That's when it's time to kill yourself.

Cousin Sal (35:52)

You and Ray are rubbing burgers on each other's assholes.

Carl's Jr. Voiceover (35:56)

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All Modern Voiceover (36:28)

Have you met All Modern All Modern brings you the best of modern furniture. And right now through November 30, you'll score up to 70% off during their Black Friday sale. Prep your space for holiday hosting with deals on plush sofas, modern tabletop essentials and more. All on sale at All Modern. Then get them delivered for free in days. You heard that right. Days. That's modern made simple. Shop All Modern's Black Friday sale now through November 30 at allmodern.com yeah, asses, not assholes.

Mike August (37:02)

Ray actually texted me during the Patriots game and the question was who? Who would you. Sanchez or Brady?

Bill Simmons (37:12)

That was it.

Mike August (37:13)

And by the way, I haven't heard from him in three months.

Bill Simmons (37:15)

Wow.

Cousin Sal (37:16)

Did he put a gun to your head? I don't know.

Mike August (37:18)

I didn't even know. I'm bullshit. That they're losing. And this is the question I get from Ray.

Cousin Sal (37:22)

I can't believe he gets.

Adam Carolla (37:24)

Could I handle that question? I think. Well, there's two arguments. One is you, Brady. You're that much closer to Giselle. Yeah.

Cousin Sal (37:34)

Right.

Adam Carolla (37:34)

You know what I mean? So that's not that gay.

Mike August (37:36)

Oh, there is an answer.

Adam Carolla (37:37)

Wow. On the other hand, in the Latin community, as long as you're a top, that ain't gay. You know what I mean?

Cousin Sal (37:44)

Wow.

Adam Carolla (37:45)

Wow. If you're. If you're nailing the guy in the ass in that culture, you ain't gay. You know what I mean? You're just stronger. You know what I mean?

Mike August (37:56)

I wish I went to. I really wish I went to Adam because I.

Adam Carolla (38:00)

All of Mexico's like a prison.

Mike August (38:02)

I just text back, go yourself.

Adam Carolla (38:03)

Right.

Mike August (38:05)

There's an answer.

Cousin Sal (38:06)

That's option three.

Adam Carolla (38:07)

I'd have to know if you're going to be top or bottom. And then I feel like I could.

Cousin Sal (38:11)

Answer Sanchez dates or was dating the Sopranos daughter. Right.

Adam Carolla (38:16)

Am I right about that, Meadow?

Cousin Sal (38:18)

Yeah, yeah.

Adam Carolla (38:20)

Turtle went from Turtle to Sanchez.

Tom Beers (38:23)

Yeah.

Cousin Sal (38:23)

I don't know what that says about anybody.

Adam Carolla (38:25)

Yeah. Dirty Sanchez. That is a lot of range from what happened to Turtle and Meadow.

Cousin Sal (38:36)

I don't know. I think that's your Beanie Baby theory. Like that never should have been big in the first place.

Adam Carolla (38:40)

Right? Yeah. I hope everyone knows that Sal went nuts buying Beanie Babies in the mid to late 90s.

Cousin Sal (38:49)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (38:49)

Thinking that he would either retire on them or send his kids through college on Beanie Babies.

Cousin Sal (38:54)

Right.

Adam Carolla (38:55)

Like Beanie Babies were wildly popular from March of 1997 to April of 98 or something.

Cousin Sal (39:05)

Pretty close, I think.

Adam Carolla (39:06)

I mean, it really had about a 13 month period there. And Sal and I would have serious conversations. We're like, this is a Princess Die Beanie Baby. I. I know it's shaped like ET but it is the Princess die Beanie Baby and it's untouched and it's still in the package. And they only made 1300 of them.

Cousin Sal (39:29)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (39:30)

And I was able to get off eBay for $900 and it's gonna be worth millions.

Cousin Sal (39:39)

It was some. The equivalent of ebay back then. Yeah, it was a mess.

Adam Carolla (39:43)

You were buying the Beanie Babies list.

Cousin Sal (39:47)

That's what it was. It was Ray's list.

Adam Carolla (39:51)

Right?

Cousin Sal (39:51)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (39:52)

What were your. What were you getting jewels in the crown of your Beanie Babies when you were living with Jimmy. I am very serious about it.

Cousin Sal (39:59)

Yeah. I was living in his office, and basically all I had was these Beanie Babies.

Adam Carolla (40:05)

We having fun? Because when you stop having fun. Collecting beanie babies. Your eBay account.

Cousin Sal (40:11)

I had the print. I had, like, five of the princess, which I bought for $150. You could cut one of Mike Gregg's dreadlocks off and make more off that.

Adam Carolla (40:25)

So. And. And then it's one of these things, too. It's hard to cut bait with the Beanies because, you know, like our grandfathers always said, once. Once the bottom falls out of the Beanie Baby market, you know, you got your foolish Beanie Baby pride and a lot of Beanie bravado. Right. And you paid 150 bucks for the Princess die thing, and they're now trading for 85 bucks. And you're like, fuck it. I'm not. I'm not taking a bath on these things for the next thing you know, they're 18 bucks. Yeah. And now you're fucked. What was.

Cousin Sal (40:59)

Now they're not.

Adam Carolla (41:00)

How did that happen?

Mike August (41:01)

How did you get involved?

Cousin Sal (41:03)

Me?

Tom Beers (41:04)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (41:04)

I don't know. What.

Cousin Sal (41:06)

I had some bad advisors back in the late 90s.

Mike August (41:10)

Financial advisors sink your money.

Cousin Sal (41:12)

Exactly. And I didn't have much to do.

Adam Carolla (41:14)

They were all going nuts, like, Right. They're all.

Mike August (41:17)

Wasn't the tech boom just starting up there? And you went, beanie Baby.

Cousin Sal (41:21)

It was weird because the Cabbage Patch. Somebody suggested you can resell them for thousands.

Adam Carolla (41:28)

Right. Right.

Cousin Sal (41:29)

I just remember a mad rush to get them.

Adam Carolla (41:32)

Now, the whole thing about. The whole thing about Cabbage Patch, as soon as you driven. As soon as you drove them off the lot, they dropped 25% soon as you drove them out of the patch. But the Beanie Babies were. Babies were hanging on and doing well. And Sal was very serious about this investment in his future.

Cousin Sal (41:50)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (41:52)

I. I just thought it was insane, but I still thought you would somehow make money on it. But then you hung on to them, right?

Cousin Sal (41:58)

Yeah. You have to ride it out.

Adam Carolla (42:01)

Do you still. Do you still have them?

Cousin Sal (42:03)

I have them on. They're stored away.

Adam Carolla (42:05)

Are you bullish on Beanie Babies?

Cousin Sal (42:08)

They should make a Bernie Madoff Beanie Baby.

Adam Carolla (42:11)

Yeah. That's what happened.

Cousin Sal (42:12)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (42:13)

Do you still possess.

Cousin Sal (42:14)

I still have them.

Will Sasso (42:15)

Yeah.

Cousin Sal (42:15)

What am I going to do now?

Adam Carolla (42:16)

Well, now that we're. What do you think if I put a gun to your head?

Cousin Sal (42:20)

Please do.

Adam Carolla (42:21)

If I remove the gun from Dickie's head, Put it on your head. Ask you how much could you get for the Princess Die Beanie Baby on ebay?

Cousin Sal (42:30)

I don't know.

Mike August (42:31)

We're talking football on the Adam Carolla podcast.

Cousin Sal (42:34)

That goes. That goes right to Goodwill. I think my friend Daniel told me. He sent me a picture. There were 20 Beanie Babies in a vast. In a stationary store. And it was like, for six bucks.

Adam Carolla (42:45)

Or something, Beanie Baby haters or so. I would never do that.

Bill Simmons (42:48)

Daniel said that.

Mike August (42:49)

Yeah, but Daniel takes joy in that.

Adam Carolla (42:51)

A lot of joy.

Cousin Sal (42:52)

Rubbing made a lot of bad bets.

Adam Carolla (42:54)

Salt your Beanie Baby on.

Cousin Sal (42:55)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (42:56)

All right, I think our guest is here. Dickie. That means you probably get to leave. Oh, Dickie and cousin Sal Joey out like I want. All right, so. So what's your lock for next week, Cousin Sal? The Princess Di Beanie Baby.

Cousin Sal (43:10)

Princess Di parlayed with the Patriots over the Bills.

Adam Carolla (43:13)

Yeah, Patriots are good. Don't worry, Dickie. Thanks, Dickie. Nice job. Thank you, Cousin Sal. Always effortless. All right, let's bring our. Let's bring our guest. And we. We talked to him on the radio show, I think is he miked up? Okay, what's the plan with kicking Dickie and Mike out and then, I mean, Dickie and Sal out? Not making up our guests. Here we go. Hi, Tom. How are you?

Tom Beers (43:47)

How are you, man? Good to see you, man.

Adam Carolla (43:49)

Tom Beers, everyone. Producer narrator of Spike TV's 1000 Ways to Die, starting season three.

Tom Beers (43:58)

Yeah, we're just kicking off the new season. You know, it's just. Yeah, actually, it's big season, too. We just kind of like, Instead of ordering 13 up, they decided, hey, why don't we just go for something like 41? So we're kind of in the middle of production on that.

Adam Carolla (44:10)

Spike's going berserk. You're the genius behind Deadliest Catch and Ice Road Truckers, Monster Garage, Pitchman, Black Gold, all the great shows on Spike. And what now? Didn't Captain Sig die? Who died on Deadliest Catch?

Tom Beers (44:26)

Captain Phil. Captain Phil, yeah. Was a tough one.

Adam Carolla (44:29)

What happened?

Tom Beers (44:30)

He had a stroke. He had a problem with a heart attack a couple years before, and he went off. Stopped working for a year, and then he just wanted to get back to work, and his heart just gave out, man.

Adam Carolla (44:41)

How old was Captain?

Tom Beers (44:42)

He was like, 52, man.

Adam Carolla (44:44)

But these guys, it's such a hard life.

Tom Beers (44:49)

That's it. That's the thing. You know what? They work hard and they play hard, and that's. That's the thing, man. When you got the two the combination. Because, you know, you know, they only work six, eight months a year. And then the other time they're out.

Adam Carolla (45:01)

You know, six, eight months a year. Yeah, yeah.

Tom Beers (45:04)

You know, they don't just fish crab. They fish, you know, they'll see. They'll do king crab and then they'll do apelios, but they also fish for cod, the pollock, and so then they also do tender salmon. So year round, those boats work year.

Adam Carolla (45:17)

Round because they see those, you know, I see Deadliest Catch. And sometimes they'll do the crab season, last 72 hours or something. It's like insane. I don't know how they figure that out. It is true. It's weird. It's like, these guys are young, but they got a lot of miles on them. And, you know, my dad just celebrated his 79th birthday. Although I forgot about it. But I swear to God, Donnie, I shit you not. Do you have a compass computer over there? I IMDb'd my dad. I didn't know if there'd be anything there or not. It's just we're living in day and age where if you just Google someone's name, something will pop up, you know? And my dad's been on my radio show a couple times, you know, and he's. He's not a celebrity. He doesn't do anything. But I thought, oh, IMDb him. Maybe there'll be something. And I'll find out his birthday and I'll figure out when to call him. It's fucking sad, but you can't call a guy and go, hey, when's your birthday again? All right? And then hang up and then call back 10 minutes later, hey, sorry I forgot about your birthday. Or Happy birthday, you know?

Tom Beers (46:21)

Sure, sure.

Adam Carolla (46:21)

I didn't know who to ask. My wife doesn't know my mom.

Will Sasso (46:25)

So you actually.

Tom Beers (46:26)

IMDb, that's like this. I swear to God, one time when I was going to college, I mean, Thanksgiving, I'm deciding I want to cook a turkey for Thanksgiving. I had no freaking idea how to cook a turkey. So what did I do? I called information.

Adam Carolla (46:38)

I called.

Tom Beers (46:38)

I called 411, I swear to God. And this operator, this woman on the phone, and she literally, she gave me the whole recipe. She couldn't believe a kid.

Adam Carolla (46:46)

Really.

Tom Beers (46:47)

She taught me how to cook a turkey.

Adam Carolla (46:48)

She put you in touch with someone? No.

Tom Beers (46:50)

No, she did herself.

Adam Carolla (46:51)

Butterball factory.

Tom Beers (46:52)

Absolutely not.

Adam Carolla (46:53)

I IMDb'd my dad. Yeah, I just put.

Tom Beers (46:56)

What did you find out? Anything that you didn't know about him?

Adam Carolla (46:58)

He did a lot of gay porn evidently that I wasn't aware of. 162 Films Mid 80s yeah, no idea. No, I IMDb'd my dad put in Jim Corolla IMDb. He he did a weird short film in 1978 that I was aware of. It just had a small role in a Funky Little like 20 minute sort of musical short. I don't even know how he got involved with it, but that I knew about that was in 1978 and then his next credit in 1988 was the.

Carl's Jr. Voiceover (47:35)

Kind of burgers you get today tells you a lot about yourself. You're either someone who settles for sad, same old same old burgers, or you're at a Carl's Jr obsessed with a tangy OG Western bacon cheeseburger demanding a house made guacamole, loaded guac bacon fired up for the insanely hot El Diablo or craving a classic charmer world famous star. Give in to your flavor cravings. Give your mouth to Carl's junior.

Adam Carolla (48:04)

Skate Burger.

All Modern Voiceover (48:06)

Have you met All Modern All Modern brings you the best of modern furniture, and right now through November 30, you'll score up to 70% off during their Black Friday sale. Prep your space for holiday hosting with deals on plush sofas, modern tabletop essentials and more. All on sale at All Modern. Then get them delivered for free in days. You heard that right. Days. That's modern made simple. Shop All Modern's Black Friday sale now through November 30th at allmodern.com.

Adam Carolla (48:39)

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Jim Gaffigan (49:09)

A hilarious new standup special from comedy legend Jim Gaffigan the Skinny is coming to Hulu November 22nd. This Thanksgiving, see Jim in a whole new light as he gives you the inside scoop on everything from parenting teenagers to weight loss and gaslighting family members. For everyone in need of a happy hour, the new hilarious standup special Jim Gaffigan the Skinny is now streaming on Hulu.

Adam Carolla (49:41)

Oh, let's see. They. Oh wait. Oh, oh, oh. They still call me. Somebody shouted out. Bruce. They still call me Bruce. It was like some Bruce Lee comedy. Johnny Yoon, who's like this Korean comedian who was on the Love Boat So he's also got a credit in this movie called they Still Call Me Bruce. Like a bad 80s farcical comedy. And I know he wasn't in that, so IMDb is just fucked up on that, but as you scroll down, it says Jim Carolla in the role of whatever. But he didn't have his fucking birthday on there.

Tom Beers (50:18)

So you never got, you never got the birthday thing.

Adam Carolla (50:21)

I did figure it out that his birthday, this was on a Friday, his birthday was on Wednesday, so I missed the window to his birthday.

Tom Beers (50:29)

But you know, when you put your old man. I've done the same thing. And my father, I've had him play Everything from a 16th century Italian surgeon where a guy gets his nose cut off and they thought that peeing on a nose would sterilize it. So I got him with a turkey baster in his hand playing and a 16th century Italian surgeon peeing on a guy's nose. Ice Road Truckers, I did that. But boy, you don't want to do that up there. No, you need plenty of installation. But also I've had him play Monster Garage. He was in the first three, four episodes of Monster Garage. But it's great, put him in. But the old man, he shows up at the local, the post office, something, and he's a celebrity. I like that.

Adam Carolla (51:08)

Well, I was going to say about, what I was saying about like my dad, Captain Phil is my dad turned 79 and he looks brand new and I always describe him as a. Like if you took a piece of car, like a AMC Matador or Gremlin or Vega, and the car is a piece of. But it just sat in the garage on blocks, they never saw sunlight, it would be a car that's in mint condition. Be a piece of shit car that's in mint condition, you know, 80 years later, right? And my dad's never really done a day's work in his life. And he doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink, he's never done anything. And when I see my dad at 79, he looks brand new. Now he's a. Again, he's not a Maserati or Ferrari.

Tom Beers (51:54)

Do you mind if I just offer some up here? Because I gotta tell you, you know, like father, like son, man, I gotta tell you, you know, you're a darn good looking Vega yourself, you know, for your age. And you know, I just want you to know that probably there's the jeans.

Adam Carolla (52:07)

Thank you. Yeah, he has decent jeans. Meets. Never done, Never, never had a day on a roof scraping shingles off and These guys, these captains, these guys are under pressure, stress, they're sleep deprived, they're chain smoking, they're eating junk. I mean, you can't go out on one of those boats and have a macrobiotic diet. It's impossible.

Tom Beers (52:29)

Matter of fact, one time. I'll never forget Sig. I'm with Sig up in Seattle. It's about three years ago, and he tells me he's seeing a hypnotist. He goes, look, he says, I gotta cut back on my drinking, you know, my smoking. He says it's working great. He says, you know, two weeks I've been seeing this guy. I'm down to two and a half packs a day, and a half a bottle of Jack.

Adam Carolla (52:48)

Right?

Tom Beers (52:49)

And he was very pleased about that.

Adam Carolla (52:50)

Yeah. Moderation. So now we're going to 1000 Ways to Die.

Tom Beers (52:58)

New season.

Adam Carolla (52:59)

Absolutely.

Tom Beers (53:00)

New ideas.

Adam Carolla (53:01)

Give us a couple of teasers.

Tom Beers (53:03)

You know, my favorite of all times. You know, it's like these are all. These are deaths. You know, originally I came up with this idea because, you know, I've almost died about four times. And every time I almost die, you know, at that very moment, you know, I look at myself and I go, what a dumb shit. You know, I mean, just that moment, you got that. What am I. What did I just do? You know, right? I mean, me and Ricky lamba, you know, 20 years ago, flying an ultralight on the Zambezi River. You know, we're about just 6 inches off the river. We got a camera rolling, the sun setting. It's beautiful. The river's peaceful. And all of a sudden, a fucking hippopotamus comes right out of the middle of the river, hit him right in the back of the head.

Adam Carolla (53:40)

Boom, boom.

Tom Beers (53:41)

70 miles an hour, right into the river. Crash.

Adam Carolla (53:44)

Crocs.

Tom Beers (53:44)

Just like a Tarzan movie. Blood in the water. The hippo's dead. Crocs coming out. Kill the hippo.

Adam Carolla (53:49)

They're walking.

Tom Beers (53:50)

Kill the hippo. You know, I mean, he had a little tutu on. It was unbelievable. I think it was a Disney hippo. But it was incredible. So, you know. But, you know, at that moment, my favorite was I'm crashing a plane. I'm landing in Lake Victoria in a massive storm, and I do one of those great moments where I take a. I got a hiatus. I had a video camera with me, and I turn it around and the plane's bouncing all over the place. And I know we're going to crash this plane. As we land, and it's raining, the wind's blowing, and I'm going to my wife and my kid. Baby, I love you, baby.

Adam Carolla (54:18)

You know, I'm just like doing that.

Tom Beers (54:19)

Whole, like, you know, my whole life is all about you. It's like, you're the best thing ever happened to me.

Adam Carolla (54:24)

This is unbelievable.

Tom Beers (54:25)

And boom, we hit the ground and bam. Drab the nose right into the plane. Flips over, and then I realize I'm going to live. So what's the first thing I did?

Adam Carolla (54:33)

The plane was flipped up.

Tom Beers (54:34)

Yeah, I'm flipped up, but I'm going to lift. First thing I do, I hit the fucking erase button. Where's that erase button on that? Get rid of that. I don't even want that. I don't want that around the seaplane.

Adam Carolla (54:43)

That just pearled in.

Tom Beers (54:44)

No, no, it was just a little Cessna. It was a 182, you know, just. No, but the Runway was this tiny little Runway and we were just getting blown sideways. This massive storm. It was ugly. Anyway, so that's where this show comes from. It's like all these, you know, I can't believe that, you know, Donnie shouldn't have survived. And I always think about that.

Adam Carolla (54:59)

They used to have the Darwin Awards and they probably still do, right?

Tom Beers (55:03)

Yeah, but these are all based. Look, a perfect example. Not even talking about the show now. Perfect example. In the last two weeks, two people have died, and you're sitting there going, you got to be kidding me. This woman you remember about this, this doctor, she's what, 40, 39, 40 year old.

Adam Carolla (55:16)

Oh, the chimney, the chimney.

Tom Beers (55:18)

She has a fight with her boyfriend. He doesn't let her in the house. She's pounding on the back door. He goes, I'm out of here. He grabs the keys, jumps in his car, he goes to Vegas for a weekend, right? Little does she know, he's gone. She climbs down the chimney, gets stuck in the chimney. Three days later he comes back and is really stinking up the joint. You know, it's kind of like she's dead in the chimney. I mean, you don't make this. So the whole point is every day it's kind of like, we don't have to make this shit up. It really happens. You know, there's a.

Adam Carolla (55:43)

By the way, if anyone's rebuilt the chimney. And I have. There's a fire shelf. There's a firebox and a shelf on top of it. It's like you couldn't. The Olsen, one of the Olsen twins, couldn't get through there if they were greased up and margarine. And like, I know, coming down the Fucking chimney. And she was a doctor and she was in the 40s.

Will Sasso (56:02)

Yeah.

Tom Beers (56:03)

I mean, what was she thinking?

Adam Carolla (56:04)

So now how does it work for you guys? Do you get permission from or how.

Tom Beers (56:11)

You know, here's how we do this. I've been doing this for a long time, so I know that there are issues here. So what we got to do is first and foremost, you know, once we basically we. We study the death, we know that this happened. Well, the first thing you do is obviously you're going to change the name half the times. You're going to change the sex, you're going to change the year by at least three decades.

Adam Carolla (56:28)

You're going to change the location because you'll be sued.

Tom Beers (56:31)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (56:31)

Just changing the name, is that not enough?

Tom Beers (56:35)

Well, you know, I like about seven degrees of separation. They can sue because it's really all about the science. If you think about what the show is, it's ways to die. So I really don't care. Besides that, I got to be honest. I mean, the thing is, these deaths, they're all real. But, you know, sometimes you don't want to basically say, here's a wonderful nun and she spent her whole life doing the most fabulous things in the world, and then she got crushed by a meteor. You know, there's no fun to that. So, you know, what you got to do is you. First of all, you got to set them up a little bit, tee them up a little bit so people don't miss them. So sometimes your backstory is always a little different.

Adam Carolla (57:09)

What you guys adhere to.

Tom Beers (57:11)

She was a nun that got plenty in my.

Adam Carolla (57:13)

Anyway, the modality of death is always accurate. Yeah. The name, the sex, the hometown. They may. That might vary.

Tom Beers (57:24)

And the backstory, their character might differ. You know, again, what you really want to do is you don't want to feel. I don't want to feel anybody feel sorry for any of these people. Like they didn't deserve to die. It's a lot more fun if they really deserve to die. You know what I mean? That's right.

Adam Carolla (57:39)

So everyone starts off with. After raping nine retarded kids.

Tom Beers (57:44)

Exactly.

Adam Carolla (57:44)

That kind of thing.

Tom Beers (57:46)

The Special Olympics coach who's basically whipping the shit out of all his kids in wheelchairs. And then he runs out, still yelling at him.

Adam Carolla (57:52)

Absolutely.

Tom Beers (57:53)

To pick up a javelin and slips and falls and goes right through his eye. Nobody's going to miss this guy. My favorite is. What is that thing from the soccer games of Azula? That thing that was so freaking annoying. I swear, I don't know about you, but I'm sitting there.

Adam Carolla (58:09)

Well, it's like I had tinnitus. Like it never ended. Yeah, we do here. We do like the wave or we do the seventh inning stretch. But it's not a low dull. Just say non. That's what tinnitus is. It's like a never ending. Well, it's like a test pattern, you.

Tom Beers (58:26)

Know, it's like just. Let's listen to that through half for the whole game. So basically, so I'm thinking to myself, it's driving me nuts and I'm going, you've got to find someone. So we find out. You know, a trumpet player. I knew a lot of horn players. I was a bartender in New York for years in a jazz club. And one of the horn players that I knew, he basically threw an aneurysm and he died from playing horn. You know, he's just playing a little too hard.

Adam Carolla (58:47)

Blowing so hard.

Tom Beers (58:48)

Just blowing so hard. He popped the vein.

Adam Carolla (58:50)

I did that with Ian Quincy once. Yeah, you listening, ladies? Go ahead.

Tom Beers (58:57)

You know, I did that with my penis once. You ever do that?

Adam Carolla (59:00)

I tried to get it.

Tom Beers (59:00)

You break it? I broke it once.

Adam Carolla (59:01)

No. I got to earn a problem, but I couldn't get the mud.

Tom Beers (59:03)

It's unbelievable. So anyway, so I'm thinking, you know, so then we started looking and sure enough, man, you know, yet we found one guy that basically had, you know, died of a stroke, you know, from blowing on that thing.

Adam Carolla (59:14)

At the soccer. Yeah, at the soccer.

Tom Beers (59:16)

But I wanted, I want to kill someone so bad because it was so freaking annoying.

Adam Carolla (59:20)

So it becomes like almost like a self fulfilling prophecy in that you think, look, I hate this guy or wouldn't it be cool if. And you go, there's gotta be somebody who's bought it this way. And then you fire up the computer.

Tom Beers (59:33)

You fire up the commuter. Anybody in the world, you go to a computer and you Google stupid death. It just goes on for you. Can't believe. And some of this stuff, I love the old stories too. Jack Daniel, perfect example. A guy that created Jack Daniel's Bourbon, right? Kentucky Bourbon, sour manch. Jack Daniel was a drunk, of course. I mean, he sampled his own wares far too many years, you know, but anyway, Jack, he died of an infection from the toe. A toe infection. Toe infection, that's it. How did he get a toe infection? Because he got so mad that he couldn't open his safe because he forgot the combination of his safe. He kicked the safe and broken his toe, got an infection and died. Do you know what the combination was 0101.

Adam Carolla (60:16)

Wow. Yeah.

Tom Beers (60:17)

This guy. Ooh. Huh?

Adam Carolla (60:18)

Yeah.

Tom Beers (60:18)

You know, that's a genius right there. So nobody's gonna miss him.

Adam Carolla (60:21)

Well, you know, I gotta say, it's so funny that you're talking about Jack Daniels and his toe, because as you're telling me, you know about this legendary guy in this sort of bizarre way that he died. I was thinking about the guy who designed Carl's Jr. S. Big Carl.

Carl's Jr. Voiceover (60:37)

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Adam Carolla (60:59)

Good Burger.

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All Modern Voiceover (61:07)

Have you met. All Modern All Modern brings you the best of modern furniture. And right now through November 30, you'll score up to 70% off during their Black Friday sale. Prep your space for holiday hosting with deals on plush sofas, modern tabletop essentials and more. All on sale at All Modern. Then get them delivered for free in days. You heard that right. Days. That's modern made simple. Shop All Modern's Black Friday sale now through November 30th at AllModern.com and was.

Adam Carolla (61:39)

Sort of the father of the Brooklyn Bridge, Roebling. He had the same thing happen. He was waiting and a barge came in and his toe got crushed and he wouldn't go see a doctor, and he got like, gangrene or blood poisoning or something. And. Yeah, back then, almost nothing would kill you. It was completely and utterly insane.

Tom Beers (62:01)

Well, yeah, but he got. Roebling also got. Because he got weakened. Because nobody realized that when they were building those caissons that went down below the bridge, they were down. They were down so deep, like 180ft.

Adam Carolla (62:13)

Bends.

Tom Beers (62:13)

They got bends. So he was suffering from nitrogen poisons. So his circulation was bad. And then he got a toe infected. That's right. Didn't he sit and watch the bridge getting built up in an apartment or something? Yes, with two hookers, a midget and a stool for like three, four years.

Adam Carolla (62:27)

Yeah. A good name for an album. Yeah, it's like the Elephant man. Just sitting up there looking at Notre Dame or whatever. Painted or whatever. So. All right, so give us. Give us three more deaths. Three good ones.

Tom Beers (62:42)

Here's my favorite. Yeah, but I want to Go back to one of my favorites of all times. And that's, you know, I love the guy. These are the kind of guys that I like. And this happened right here over in Sherman Oaks. You know that burn clinic over Grossman? Burn clinic, right, Sure. A guy falls asleep, asleep one night, you know, he's drinking. He's had about, you know, 30,000 beers, and he's sitting. He falls asleep with a cigarette in his hands, catches on fire. He wakes up at the bird clinic. He's completely covered in gauze. The guy's got second, third degree burns over about 70% of his body. Right. He looks like a mummy.

Mike August (63:14)

Right.

Tom Beers (63:14)

He's got all the gauze and all the alcohol, everything. He's there for four days, gets a hundred dollar bill. He bribes an orderly to wheel him out, wheelchair so he could smoke a cigarette. Now he's, like, dressed as a mom. He's smoking a cigarette. He also happens to have a canister of oxygen sitting in his lap.

Adam Carolla (63:32)

Wow.

Tom Beers (63:32)

So let's just think that, you know, here it is. He drops an ash. He doesn't realize his entire groin is on fire, right? Because you don't feel anything. Because all the, you know, it's already. All of his nerve endings are already damaged. He doesn't see until freaking canister blows up. You know when oxygen happens, when you got fire and oxygen literally vaporize them from the chest to the knees. Gone.

Adam Carolla (63:53)

Wow.

Tom Beers (63:53)

That's all. That's all they found. Two legs.

Adam Carolla (63:55)

I'll bet you there was a lawsuit against the Grossman fire or, you know, burn ward. I. I bet you there was. I bet you somebody, his family sued somebody because the orderly took a bribe and brought him in a pack of cigarettes and blah, blah, blah.

Tom Beers (64:10)

Probably did. Probably did, you know, But I love, you know, you know, this. This new season, you know, guy, you know, you know, Viagra. There's a great story in there about a guy that basically, you know, he dies of a stroke. What's that called? Proprietism. You know, I love that thing is they give you an erection longer than four hours, you gotta call a doctor. And every woman in the world says, no, call me first. I always love that. When that. When that commercial. Anytime that commercial goes, any woman I'm with says, no, call me first. I love that. In fact, I react.

Adam Carolla (64:37)

There's Peyronie's disease, where you have a bent penis.

Tom Beers (64:41)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (64:41)

And some priapism, which is Peronis.

Tom Beers (64:44)

Is that an Italian thing?

Adam Carolla (64:46)

I know, it sounds an awesome beer. It's when your penis is bent wow.

Tom Beers (64:52)

Do you hear about this, what's it called, that dead hand thing? Where. Dead Hand Club with these kids. Now, what they do is they sit on their hand until it's completely numb and then they enjoy themselves thinking it's a date.

Adam Carolla (65:05)

I give it a little shout out. It's called Stranger. Yeah, I got a shot of perfume.

Tom Beers (65:09)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (65:09)

But that's just me. I'm meticulous. Little kissing potion like senior wences. So this guy has a priapism.

Tom Beers (65:21)

Yeah, yeah.

Adam Carolla (65:22)

Erection that lasts like more than 40 hours.

Tom Beers (65:25)

And he's, you know, with his girlfriend and then he happens to, you know, there's another girl that comes in town and he's still not done. He thinks he's enjoying himself and so he goes out and he finds another lady and, you know, a third's a charm and basically keels right over with that thing. You know, I didn't actually think, you know, that was, you know, he died.

Adam Carolla (65:40)

Doing what he loved, loving, doing people.

Tom Beers (65:45)

Right, something, you know. You know, I got a feeling that, you know, he was just scratching that itch.

Adam Carolla (65:50)

Now, are you an atheist? Are you Catholic?

Tom Beers (65:53)

You know, I'm a nice last Catholic. You know, I'm altered. You know, I was an altered boy as a kid.

Adam Carolla (65:57)

You know, do you, do you have a belief? Do you think that when you go, are you going to pass on and end up with one of these guys who you made fun of after he died is going to fucking choke you out with his gaze? You know what I tell you, I.

Tom Beers (66:12)

Swear to God, I often say this, this one show, and it's only because, I mean, the show is hugely successful. I mean, the thing is just completely stupid. But what kills me is that I've never seen more 12 and 13 year old boys. That's the audience, they sneak in to watch the show on YouTube. I mean, it's just hundreds of thousands of hits on this thing. And I'm sitting there going, you know what? I'm going to hell for this one. You know, if there is a hell, I'm probably going to hell.

Adam Carolla (66:35)

Let me say something. Every time somebody comes along and profits on somebody else's pain, like you're doing now, they.

Tom Beers (66:46)

And like you're doing now, yeah.

Adam Carolla (66:50)

They always, they always justify it by saying, I'm teaching people a lesson. You know what I mean? And it's usually bullshit, but in this particular case, you can rest easy at night saying, look, I know we're making money because of these people's demise, but every 13 year old who sees this is one more 13 year old doesn't light a cigarette when they're covered with a cautionary tale.

Tom Beers (67:15)

I tell you what, somebody, a critic wrote about this. I love the fact this woman points out the fact that we are doing humanity a service in the world where husbands and wives, mothers and fathers all work. There's nobody there to remind the kid, hey, don't do this stupid thing. We're probably, you know, we are the last bastion on that don't do the stupid thing.

Adam Carolla (67:35)

Yeah, if you're some 12 year old and you just got done pounding the bejesus out of your old lady, don't fuck your Gama. Not when you're on the Viagra.

Tom Beers (67:43)

You know, that's the thing right there.

Adam Carolla (67:44)

Yeah, I think that's a clear message.

Tom Beers (67:46)

No, no, no, I'm saying that you're a kid like that, his weight and size, he should be taking a quarter of that bill.

Adam Carolla (67:52)

Yeah, he should definitely not go in a full Viagra.

Tom Beers (67:54)

That full blue. Oh, tomorrow.

Adam Carolla (67:56)

Yeah. So the point is, is you are. Listen, it's a lot like this in its own weird way. When I was a kid, grew up with poor, you know, downtrodden, depressed welfare family, and I would watch, you know, I'd watch the Jeffersons one night and I'd watch the Brady Bunch the next night and then everyone would say, oh, they would question the Jefferson or their question Good Times. You know, they'd go, you think it's right having people exposed to this, living in these slums and this housing with no employment, no whatever, versus this role model family where everyone's attacked and, you know, they have a big home and all that kind of stuff. And I would say, as somebody who's depressed and whose family's depressed, it's more depressing to watch the Brady Bunch because that makes me look at my family and go, what the fuck is going on here? This is horrible. Versus when I watch Good Times, I kind of went, eh, you know what? At least we're better off than they are.

Tom Beers (69:02)

And I think that's what this show also is like. You know what? That's the thing. It's like, you know, well, that person is certainly worse off than I am. And I think, you know, it's like most of your shows, you want to, you know, you compare against all those people. But I just think that, you know, for this show particularly, you know, I gotta tell you, my favorite part is just the science, though. I love the science. You know, we did that thing when, you know, I lived in the Amazon for about four months once and you ever hear that story about that little.

Adam Carolla (69:25)

Fish that swims up here?

Tom Beers (69:27)

Swims up your urethra, Right? So. Yeah, yeah.

Adam Carolla (69:29)

Oh, yes.

Tom Beers (69:30)

Nasty thing. And it's got those little spines and it opens up. And it opens up like an umbrella, you know, and you try to yank. That's. And if you read in Fodders, actually, that travel. That travel guide, right, they talk about this little fish, and I love how they say it has to be the extraction. They say the pain is exquisite.

Adam Carolla (69:46)

Sure.

Tom Beers (69:47)

Great word. Isn't that great? Exquisite is. They yank a barbless thing out of your middle. A horn kick. And it's a terrible thing. Anyway, I was down there and I used to. And that's where that story came from. And you knew because it would swim up the urethra of cattle and it would basically lay its eggs up there. That's what it did. So it had nothing to do with you. It was just looking for a big old warm cow to roll into. You just happened to be the wrong stream of urine. That's all it was. So this poor guy. But what I love about these stories is they're complex. That doesn't kill him, you know, let's just say that's just the beginning of his demise. You know, obviously the urethra, because when you yank it out, you know what happens in the dry season? The Amazon. See, this is important stuff. You know, when it's. When it's a wet season, the piranha are everywhere, you know, but when the dry season comes, the rivers get very narrow. So there's food sources diminish. And they're all. You know, there are plenty pissed off fish because they're all next to each other, rubbing up too hard, right? So just think about that. When you're in there, you yank that fish out because you got to get it out quick. And all of a sudden that blood shows up and the piranha go, hey, nice. Yeah. The little light goes on, you know. What are those donuts in Atlanta, when that flashing light goes on when they just came out? Krispy Kremes. That's what happened to that guy. Flashing light went on. Donuts are ready.

Adam Carolla (71:05)

Yeah. Jesus Christ. So morbid.

Tom Beers (71:08)

Thank you.

Adam Carolla (71:09)

Where is. Yeah, so the series premieres. I want to get a. When I get a. Want to get the.

Tom Beers (71:19)

We just premiered last week, so.

Adam Carolla (71:20)

Last week. Yeah.

Tom Beers (71:21)

So we're on every Tuesday night at 10.

Adam Carolla (71:25)

Spike. I feel like Spike TV went from barely heard of you five years ago to, you know, kicking the shit out of MTV or whoever else I. Where is Spike in the. In the rankings of whatever. It's always surprising to people, I guess.

Tom Beers (71:43)

When they, you know, Spike comes out of. You know, what I love about it is, you know, what was the old network? It was old tnn, you know, the Nashville Network. That was.

Adam Carolla (71:52)

Right.

Tom Beers (71:53)

You know, so when it changed over to Spike, you know, and Spike Lee was very upset about that.

Adam Carolla (71:57)

Sure.

Tom Beers (71:57)

I know a lot of.

Adam Carolla (71:58)

Oh, yeah, he sued.

Tom Beers (71:59)

I know a couple of gay hooks in New York that were upset too, but they didn't sue anyway.

Adam Carolla (72:03)

Oh.

Tom Beers (72:03)

Saying, you know, Spike. So they started and, you know, they really took. They went on a tear for a while and then. But, you know, it's. It's a weird network because they also got like csi, you know, these CSI shows and they're like, kind of like they pull women and my shows pull young males. So it's a little schizophrenic in the mix, you know, so they're trying to. Trying to please everyone. But the fun thing for me is that they really give me a wide open path for a thousand ways. I mean, you know, when it's on, you know, they'll run marathons, they'll run from the last few seasons. They'll run right up all day, all night with those shows. What's also kicking my ass because I have them have three shows on Discovery the same night at the same time. So it's kind of like, oh, that hurts.

Adam Carolla (72:43)

I remember interviewing a guy from Ice Road Truckers on my radio show. And the guy was like, he was an Ice road trucker. I mean, these guys, you can't. You can't develop these guys in the lab. They are from central casting. And I remember saying, we're on just regular terrestrial radio. And I said, well, what kind of stuff do you haul in your rig? And he's like, fucking everything, dude. And like, well, you gotta watch your language, you know. And he's like, I'm just, you know, shit. We've got, you know, everything from. And it's like, I understand when you cuss, like when there is the kind of cussing that people do where they're just reenacting cussing. Like there's a kind of cussing where you go, well, what happened? Hey, man, I walked outside of the club and the guy said, I'll kick the shit out of you. And you're like, oh, you can't use that language. But at least it's that. At least that's what the guy said to him. Right? I didn't ask him. You Know what's in the variety pack? Fucking every kind of cereal. Like, you know, that was his answer. I just asked him what he was hauling, and he literally came out flying out of his mouth on the radio.

Tom Beers (73:53)

He just said lots of stuff, those guys. Funny story, when I had made a deal with the trucking company up in Alaska that they could review for accuracy only they could review the material, Right? The first cut comes in. The guy calls me from the tricarla. From the trucking company. No, this is Yellowknife. And he goes, he says, I got a real problem here. He said, what's that? He says, you got these guys swearing a lot.

Adam Carolla (74:16)

You got it?

Tom Beers (74:16)

I mean, what do you mean I got them swearing a lot? That's the way they talk. He says, you know, but they're swearing a lot. I said, well, you know, there's a bleep on television. You bleep. I'm just showing you the rough stuff. He says, no, we can't show them like that. That's not the way we want to portray our truck drivers. And I sat there and said, what the fuck are you talking about? That was my first response. Are you out of your fucking. The best part. Then the next episode, he says, he calls me. He says, oh, I got a problem here. What's that? He says, you know, you got a guy, he's reaching behind, he's making a cup of coffee while he's driving. I mean, yeah, he's driving 15 miles an hour in a straight line by himself. What difference does it make? No, you can't let him show taking the other hand off the wheel, because that's dangerous.

Adam Carolla (74:56)

10 and fucking two, right?

Tom Beers (74:59)

So I know the next episode, I. I got this same guy standing on the side of his truck while he's going to straight line taking a leak off the side of his truck. I'm done here. I went, that's it. I'm finished. I'm not even talking to this guy no more.

Adam Carolla (75:10)

Speaking of taking a leak, I gotta take one now, So I think we should wrap this up. Tom. Beers, everyone. Put your drunken hands together. Yeah. 1,000 ways to die, everybody. Third season premiered last Tuesday, but new episodes coming up every Tuesday, 10pm on Spike. Tom. Oh, yes, Weezer. Extra content and the content.

Giovanni (75:39)

All right, there's Adam K. Show 410. Coming up next, we have Adam Krill Show 423 featuring Will Sasso, Cousin Sal and Bill Simmons. More Football Sunday from 2010.

All Modern Voiceover (75:53)

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Jim Gaffigan (76:25)

New standup special from comedy legend Jim Gaffigan the Skinny is coming to Hulu November 22nd. This Thanksgiving, see Jim in a whole new light as he gives you the inside scoop on everything from parenting teenagers to weight loss and gaslighting family members. For everyone in need of a happy hour, the new hilarious standup special Jim Gaffigan the Skinny is now streaming on Hulu.

Carl's Jr. Voiceover (76:56)

Sunday is a day to worship. Worship the gods of the gridiron. Heroes with names like Manning, Favre, Unitus, and Bradshaw. Then there are the other heroes, the ones who get shitfaced and eat hot wings while watching those heroes, Men with names like Corolla, Hench, Damascus, and Cousin Sal. Every Sunday, these and other luminaries gather at Happy Endings in Hollywood. And every Monday, you will hear of their exploits with special guest Will Sasso, brought to you by Stitcher and Jeremiah Weed. This is the Adam Carolla show.

Adam Carolla (77:47)

Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on Mandate. Get it on. Sitting up here at Happy Endings with my dear, dear friend, Cousin Sal, you know, from the Jimmy Kimmel Live program, and of course, Bill Simmons, award winning author, podcaster.

Bill Simmons (78:03)

What a word.

Adam Carolla (78:04)

I don't know.

Mike August (78:05)

Thank you.

Adam Carolla (78:06)

I just decided you must have won some sort of award for all the books you sold.

Bill Simmons (78:10)

Should have happened. Heaviest book. I don't know.

Adam Carolla (78:13)

Yeah, I again, I'm not a reader, but if I was, I got you and Dr. Drew at the top of my list of books. I'm going to read first.

Bill Simmons (78:22)

You're not a reader, but somehow you wrote a book.

Adam Carolla (78:24)

Well, I had a guy write it while I talked. I just complained in my office and he typed. All right, first. First things first. Now let me just set the scene. We're sitting upstairs. It's sort of sweltering. I don't know what the hell's going on with the temperature over here. My kids are decorating pumpkins and I'm fucking melting. Like, here's the deal. The Reese's peanut butter cup shouldn't be melting next to the pumpkin, right? It's 200 degrees in LA and I just got back in from Dallas. Cousin Sal, big Dallas Cowboys fan. We're watching football here in Sunday. Cowboys are right in the thick of things. What's the score right now?

Cousin Sal (79:00)

27, 20 right now. Driving a little less than six minutes remaining, I think.

Bill Simmons (79:06)

I know as an aside, this is like a. Like a psychology experiment where you're doing a poor. Cousin Sal here seems about to go 1 and 4, 1 and 3, whatever.

Cousin Sal (79:16)

It's 4th and 2 now.

Adam Carolla (79:17)

Sal, there is a. There is a point. Take it from me and the rams, who lost 44 to three to the 04 Lions. Hey, there is a point where you just see the heart monitor start flatlining and you hear the that and you think, yeah, not gonna get the paddles out. That's it. This is better. Let her go peacefully. That's the way Nana would have wanted it.

Bill Simmons (79:39)

See, right here. Anti chemo.

Adam Carolla (79:41)

No more sitting by the bed, rubbing the rosary beads and all that stuff. Just, you know what? Enjoy the rest of your life. This is the way Tony would have wanted it. All right, so he's living and dying with every pass. We. We have.

Bill Simmons (79:53)

Talk about Dallas.

Adam Carolla (79:54)

We have a nice. Yeah, Dallas. We have a nice picture. I should say that, Sal, you're going to have to tear your way. Your eyes away from the flat screen behind my head and move them toward the big screen in the front of the room because I can do that. Me and Donnie and Mike August paid a visit to. It's kind of surreal because we're running around the field four days ago and now you're watching it on tv. But we got to go to the new Texas stadium and run around on the field and Donnie got his little camera out and took a few shots and actually I did a little long snapping and I don't know what you got there, Donnie. Oh, is that Donnie's phone? All right, either way, some guy named Don's a fuck stick.

Cousin Sal (80:40)

The Cowboys just tied.

Bill Simmons (80:42)

I just want to say these photos are much more exciting than the actual last minute game that's going on in the same stadium.

Adam Carolla (80:48)

All right, you're right. The crowd's riveted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You. You can see it in full HD behind me. But when can you see stills taken off of an iPhone? No, you will like my touchdown dance. I do think first we do a little long snapping. I don't know if you have the video, Donnie. Well, what's that? Yes. Okay, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll do a quick live read for our good friends over at Stitcher. And then I'll yell, cue the camera. For those of you who don't know, and you've got to know already, Stitcher.com is where you go for your iPhone, your BlackBerry, Android, and or Palm and you stream the show. You don't have to download it, you don't have to sync it daily. It's right there waiting for you@stitcher.com. and by the way, we got a winner to our competition who's going to come over and watch us do a live show and possibly rape Donnie after a couple of beers. Wow. Yeah. In the wee hours of the night. Shondra Nichols. That's Chandra Nichols from Seattle's coming out and going to see a live Show thanks to Stitcher.com. all right, Donnie, why don't you roll the footage first? I think you can see me. I'm the gay guy in the shorts attempting to do the long snapping to.

Bill Simmons (82:04)

You're so good at the song.

Adam Carolla (82:05)

Pretty good. Felt good to be out there in that field. That's Mike. Mike throws it to me in the corner. It is awesome just to run around there and fuck around. Watch Mike's kick, by the way. And watch what would happen if I didn't duck. Yeah, right at my head. That's a great plan. We have five more shows to do, and you're going to try to take my brain out with a picture saying, all right, here's the dance. Here's what put me on the map.

Bill Simmons (82:31)

Oh, the touchdown poop.

Cousin Sal (82:32)

Yeah.

Tom Beers (82:32)

Yeah.

Cousin Sal (82:35)

I have to say, some team in Nova Scotia or something. Some soccer team. Yeah, they did this celebratory dances, and I think they ripped you off.

Adam Carolla (82:42)

They. They've been crapping out soccer balls, sort of. Right? Were they?

Bill Simmons (82:45)

Yeah.

Cousin Sal (82:46)

Birth to a baby. They catch a fish and then they. They crapped out. The guy was on the toilet.

Bill Simmons (82:50)

That wasn't the biggest Corolla ripoff, though, because what was? The pedophile that's now becoming a real life threat.

Cousin Sal (82:55)

That's a big thing.

Adam Carolla (82:55)

Oh, really?

Bill Simmons (82:56)

The legislators push.

Cousin Sal (82:57)

You gotta start trademarking this stuff.

Bill Simmons (82:59)

Yeah, you gotta get somebody on this.

Adam Carolla (83:00)

Yeah. You know, I just saw that Facebook movie, so I'm ready to sue. I need like, $65 million to shut up about my crap dance.

Bill Simmons (83:10)

Where does your long snapping rank on your most obscure talents? Just how good it is for me. It's like right up there with the fact that you'll wear jogging pants in any social scenario.

Cousin Sal (83:21)

Oh, the unit. The unicycles.

Adam Carolla (83:23)

Unicycles. Of course. My Johnny Carson Impersonation.

Bill Simmons (83:27)

What's your Johnny Carson?

Adam Carolla (83:29)

Oh, I've never done it, but that's why it's so obscure. It's spot on. But it's, it's so on. It's eerie and it freaks people out. And after he died, I had to stop doing it. Don't even do it because it would freak people out like they thought they were there. Yeah, it's that bizarre. All right, so. Oh yeah, one of the one now you can probably go to Adam Corolla.com and see this footage. And some of the greatest moment of the entire trip for me was, oh, by the way, we drove from Dallas to Houston. That was, that was a lovely ride.

Bill Simmons (84:00)

But what's that, like two hours?

Adam Carolla (84:02)

It's like three and a half. Yeah, the greatest, the greatest moment of the entire trip is where we went to Tony Romo's locker. Donnie put on his shoulder pads and helmet. He looked like the kid from that movie Lucas. A dumb Jewish Lucas. And then Mike yelled. There was literally there was 50 tourists in the locker room just roaming around there. And all they had was Miles Austin's fake pads in there and Tony Roma's fake pads in there. And so Donnie put the shit on. And at some point Mike August yelled, do the Heisman pose. In which case he did some crazy water skiing move. And then he just put one thumb in his mouth and the other in his ass and Mike kept going, do the Heisman pose. And I realized after 10 minutes, Donnie does not know the Heisman pose. He was having to coach him through the Heisman pose.

Cousin Sal (84:58)

Well, does he even know? He doesn't know what the Heisman.

Adam Carolla (85:00)

What?

Cousin Sal (85:01)

Do you know what the Heisman is?

Adam Carolla (85:02)

Wow.

Bill Simmons (85:04)

I think that was a joke.

Adam Carolla (85:08)

Name one human being that has won the Heisman. Did I, did he win? He did. Yeah. They. Oh, you just know it because he.

Cousin Sal (85:18)

Got, he had it impounded or whatever.

Adam Carolla (85:20)

Yeah, all right, you're right. One, one that didn't make the news.

Bill Simmons (85:23)

I have a question for August Adani. So three and a half hours to Dallas back. How much of that time did Corolla talk in the car? Seven and a half hours. Seven hours.

Adam Carolla (85:33)

It gets better, Bill, because Adam ends up buying us first class tickets to go home. And somehow I got onto the other side of the aisle. So on the way home, Adam just.

Bill Simmons (85:45)

Talked to August the whole.

Adam Carolla (85:48)

That was only three hours left. The entire trip. You could hear me buzzing way. I'm like a ceiling fan. You can't fall asleep without the sound of it.

Bill Simmons (85:56)

You should have been a Trucker. You should have been, like, over the.

Adam Carolla (85:58)

Top, you know, there's still time. No, it's funny.

Carl's Jr. Voiceover (86:00)

We just.

Adam Carolla (86:01)

We just did nine shows and I'm hoarse, but I still couldn't shut up. Like, well, listen, first class, no more pillows, no more blankets. Mike wanted a. Mike wanted a blanket, and they're like, no can do. And then he wanted a pillow, and they're like, no, in first class. And has anyone ever unraveled the mystery of the cran apple? Only in first class. They don't have cranberry juice. It's only cran apple, which you can't really buy on the ground.

Bill Simmons (86:28)

It's, like, covered both bases.

Adam Carolla (86:30)

Yeah.

Bill Simmons (86:30)

Fiesta apple juice or cranberry juice? You'll like the Crane apple.

Adam Carolla (86:34)

The plane won't get off the ground if you don't have a couple cans of just plain cranberry juice.

Bill Simmons (86:38)

No.

Adam Carolla (86:39)

All right, so as we said, Bill Simmons here and the sports guy. And then, of course, Cousin Sal. You're just going by Cousin Sal?

Cousin Sal (86:48)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (86:49)

At this point.

Cousin Sal (86:49)

What's the point of that?

Adam Carolla (86:50)

I mean, it's like Jimmy the Greek. Did anyone really care what his last name was?

Cousin Sal (86:54)

Yeah, but I wanted. I think you brought it up. I'd like him to be Cousin Jimmy eventually. I'm gonna get so big.

Adam Carolla (86:59)

Hopefully.

Bill Simmons (87:00)

Oh, you know, that's interesting.

Adam Carolla (87:04)

I'm trying to think when that happened, because it has happened historically. Yeah, probably. Maybe. Oh, the Wahlbergs. Oh, yeah. You had Marky Mark. Donnie was the. He was the Alpha Wahlberg. He was.

Bill Simmons (87:19)

You know what else My favorite ever was the Alpha Bateman. Justine. Oh, Jason kind of seized it.

Adam Carolla (87:27)

I love shopping there. Yeah. There was the Alpha Bateman and Alpha Wahlberg.

Bill Simmons (87:33)

And then the other good one was Elizabeth Shoe. And then Andrew Shoe with Melrose Place took it back.

Adam Carolla (87:38)

Yeah.

Bill Simmons (87:38)

Elizabeth Shoe had to get raped in a shower to take it back and leave in Las Vegas. She wanted back.

Adam Carolla (87:43)

Yeah.

Bill Simmons (87:44)

She's the alpha shoe.

Adam Carolla (87:45)

Oh, yeah. The shoes too. Yeah. Alpha Shoe, Alpha Beta and Alpha Walber.

Cousin Sal (87:49)

I wonder if they said that.

Adam Carolla (87:51)

Yeah. Wonder. Yeah. And now. Now I think Bateman has clearly that group.

Bill Simmons (87:59)

Justin Bateman actually might have to take. Do porn to get it back. I would watch sex tape or something.

Adam Carolla (88:04)

I would watch that. Speaking of porn.

Bill Simmons (88:06)

Oh, no, no, that's.

Adam Carolla (88:07)

That. Well, I gotta tell you, I gotta. I gotta. I just got off the road with that iPad. Oh, boy. And free Internet access. And there are a lot of, you know, hotel rooms are lonely, dark places. Like, I understand why every comedian decides to kill himself or od. Because you're just. You're just sitting there, and it's noon, and you're in your hotel room and you're somewhere, and you like, you're like, I could use a drink. Like. And you're like, I don't drink on Tuesday at noon. But you're like, I should open some red wine. And I know I just beat off 15 minutes ago, but what's wrong with a little wine and another pass at the eye.

Bill Simmons (88:45)

Let me try to segue out of this as fast as possible. What happens with comedians when they die, when they get. It gets blown out beyond what their career was when they were alive. I really like Greg Girarda. I thought he was good.

Adam Carolla (88:58)

But why.

Bill Simmons (89:01)

Does it become.

Adam Carolla (89:02)

You have to. What are you gonna do? Won't have to suffer through another roast with him.

Bill Simmons (89:09)

But every time, it's like, why weren't they nicer?

Adam Carolla (89:12)

I'll tell you what it is. I'll tell you what it is. It's always one person that knows their work, like any artist. And then 10 people don't want to be dicks and go, I never heard of the guy. Or, I think he sucks.

Bill Simmons (89:23)

I always liked him. But then when he died, there was, like, such an outpouring.

Cousin Sal (89:26)

Well, maybe Twitter doesn't help. I mean, one. Now one COMEDIAN three. And now there's anyone who's ever told.

Bill Simmons (89:32)

It made me wonder, like, why he wasn't more famous when he was here.

Adam Carolla (89:35)

Well, I'll tell you what. If something happens to you prematurely, we'll start the trend. Please. People like Bill Simmons. Genius. Like, yeah. First sports guy. Yeah.

Cousin Sal (89:45)

But when you're attacked by a mob of hipster comedians outside after this podcast.

Adam Carolla (89:50)

We better watch out. Fill up these sports bars. Garoppolo's downstairs, right? Open a can of whoop ass on.

Bill Simmons (89:57)

D. Cook takes some heat, right? So when he dies, does the heat go away? Because now you're dead. Now everybody's got to just be nice. Like, that's the part.

Adam Carolla (90:04)

I feel like he could die and still do another season of tourgasm.

Tom Beers (90:08)

And I would.

Adam Carolla (90:08)

I would watch. I would watch him racing go karts and arguing like he should have won and him reading letters.

Bill Simmons (90:14)

Jeff Ross gets hit by a truck tomorrow.

Adam Carolla (90:16)

I feel sorry for the truck. I feel sorry for the truck. Jeff wins that battle. You got to say train or diable. You got to pick something bigger in a truck. Yeah. Cuz Jeff definitely outweighs a truck.

Cousin Sal (90:29)

Hair is a huge.

Adam Carolla (90:30)

He'll take on a truck.

Bill Simmons (90:32)

Greg Geraldo took on Dennis Leary once in that Colin Quinn show. Did you ever see that clip?

Adam Carolla (90:36)

Oh, yeah.

Bill Simmons (90:37)

It got really feisty back and forth and Dennis was like a pretty big star at that point. Gerardo just stood up. It's fantastic.

Adam Carolla (90:43)

Yeah. Tough crowd.

Bill Simmons (90:44)

Yeah, it was good.

Adam Carolla (90:45)

It's right. And then Dennis parting shot was, I, I hope you die. When you're 43 and a half years old, people speak more highly. They should.

Bill Simmons (90:55)

No, you know, what he had to do is do the. When did you get a show? It was one of those.

Adam Carolla (90:58)

Oh, yeah.

Bill Simmons (90:59)

It's like, I've had a show, but. Yeah, you've never had one. It was.

Adam Carolla (91:02)

Yeah.

Cousin Sal (91:02)

Let us know when you're done with your tribute.

Adam Carolla (91:05)

Shouldn't you be preparing the eulogy? The funeral's coming up in a few minutes. A lot of you, a lot of people think the word overrated is overrated. Not from this sports rider, Greg. Geraldo or Geraldo or however you pronounce it.

Bill Simmons (91:21)

He went after our friend Jimmy once.

Adam Carolla (91:23)

He did.

Cousin Sal (91:23)

He did. I have to say, he's the most uncomfortable I ever was.

Adam Carolla (91:26)

Oh, at the roast, the.

Bill Simmons (91:28)

Was it Pim Anderson? Yeah, hard.

Cousin Sal (91:31)

Just hard to throw the white towel.

Adam Carolla (91:33)

Really.

Bill Simmons (91:33)

Yeah, it was a little.

Cousin Sal (91:35)

They ended up cutting out a lot.

Adam Carolla (91:36)

I was there. I must have been drunk. I had a piece of that. I couldn't think anymore. Well, you know. Well, he. Well, as long as we're talking ill of the dead, I hate her. All Geraldo's work. It's clear. Fine.

Bill Simmons (91:50)

It was a long time fan.

Cousin Sal (91:52)

Listen, this is a post game wrap up.

Bill Simmons (91:55)

We're not talking NFL.

Adam Carolla (91:56)

He, as I mentioned before on the podcast. Before the podcast or before the Pam Anderson roast, he came up to me. I never met him before. He said, hey, Adam. I said, he introduced himself. It's Greg. Geraldo. I said, how you doing? Good. He said, it's true. You're half Mexican, right? I said, no, it's not true. I'm half.

Jim Gaffigan (92:14)

You should have gone with it.

Adam Carolla (92:14)

That's not true at all. And then smash cut to him up at the podium going, and who else do we got here? Adam Carolla. He's half Mexican. You know, ironic that a guy named Carolla was conceived in one. And it's like, all right, it's a good joke. Except for the part where you can't.

Cousin Sal (92:33)

Abandon a joke if you're 100% off on the detail.

Adam Carolla (92:37)

I wonder if I just should vote. If I'd said, yes, 100% Mexican, do you think you would have dropped it? Why do you ask if he had no 20% yeah, I'm with you. It's good riddance. I say. I'm with Simmons. So what did he do with Kimmel on the Pam Anderson Rose?

Cousin Sal (92:54)

What was it?

Adam Carolla (92:55)

Simmons. It was.

Bill Simmons (92:56)

It was tight.

Adam Carolla (92:56)

He.

Bill Simmons (92:57)

He stuck at a couple extra times.

Adam Carolla (92:59)

A couple extra what? Day. Jokes with me.

Bill Simmons (93:01)

No, I was. I. I don't even remember the jokes, but it was a couple jokes about the show is about his relationship, all that. And it definitely. I've just never had a friend like that get roasted before, so. Yeah, protect it. It's like.

Adam Carolla (93:13)

It's horrible.

Bill Simmons (93:14)

See one of your friends getting berated at a bar or something. You want to, like, protect them.

Adam Carolla (93:17)

Right?

Bill Simmons (93:17)

But it's a roast.

Adam Carolla (93:18)

But if he did it to Jimmy now, you'd be happy, right? Yeah. Well, anyway, great, man. And he'll be missed by Bill Simmons.

Bill Simmons (93:28)

I love how you flipped that out.

Adam Carolla (93:31)

All right, so now what the hell were we talking about? Football. Football? Yeah. What's going on? Yeah. So I was out at Dallas, ran around the stadium, drove to Houston, and. What is it now? Are they going to lose this game that everyone knows they won?

Cousin Sal (93:45)

Just over two minutes left and got a ways to go about 70 yards.

Adam Carolla (93:50)

Bill, what is. What's the plan for you and your podcast? Are you moving? I know you signed a new contract with espn. Are you guys going to move? You're going to start doing it from the facility and out of your house, or how are you doing it?

Bill Simmons (94:03)

We're thinking about doing a video podcast. Everyone's from robbers. Trying to figure out what the logistics are and also who watches video podcasts because it seems like it's just easier to listen to them.

Adam Carolla (94:12)

But are you gonna go to a daily format? No studio?

Bill Simmons (94:17)

No. I think we're talking about maybe doing, like, a very stripped down studio that we would do one or two. Like, I could have you. Come on.

Adam Carolla (94:24)

Right.

Bill Simmons (94:24)

And then people could actually see your jogging pants instead of just hearing about that.

Adam Carolla (94:27)

Well, how. If you go to a studio, how are we gonna get. Your gardener and his leaf blower could walk.

Bill Simmons (94:32)

He's gonna do the sound checks.

Adam Carolla (94:34)

Yeah, we're gonna do that. All right.

Bill Simmons (94:36)

I insisted on the leaf blower, actually.

Adam Carolla (94:38)

And I was talking to somebody. I don't want to. I don't want to divulge their name, but ESPN.com, they were telling us what ads run on ESPN.com and it was hundreds of thousands of dollars to get your square up there for a day. It was insane. And I was thinking about it, and I realized all this fantasy football and roto Leagues and all that. I mean, has the traffic. What percentage? And we may not have an answer, but what percentage do you think of the traffic going? Do you know what kind of traffic ESPN.com gets?

Bill Simmons (95:17)

Well, it depends how they measure it because they'll have the unique number, which is anybody that goes for a month, just like you. Geraldo says, I think it's 20 million a month, something like that.

Adam Carolla (95:28)

But how much of that picked up with the, with the popularity, these roto leagues and the fantasy probably football leagues, because people are going there to check their shit all day long, right?

Cousin Sal (95:41)

Yeah, definitely.

Bill Simmons (95:42)

But the other, the flip side is that we use a lot of bandwidth. So you're getting money for the ad sales, but if you're running like all the clips that we have, the videos on, that stuff that that stuff chews up band with and then all the different people at the same time.

Cousin Sal (95:54)

Can I just say, I don't know.

Bill Simmons (95:55)

How they make money.

Cousin Sal (95:56)

I do a podcast, I'm on Simmons podcast. Every week we pick the lines for the next week. We try to guess the lines against each other. And about each week we start the first 10 minutes before air doing a sound check because we're both calling in and they can't get it right. Doesn't matter if it's week two or.

Adam Carolla (96:13)

Week 30 because we have to use.

Bill Simmons (96:14)

A different studio just screaming, how much.

Cousin Sal (96:17)

Money is this company make?

Adam Carolla (96:18)

How much?

Cousin Sal (96:19)

20 million, 40 million. We got to use a third rate studio. I think he's like sitting there, it's a recorded producer, makes like seven.

Bill Simmons (96:28)

No, he agrees. Well, we have one really good studio but never get into it in the morning and we never have a good line.

Adam Carolla (96:37)

Do you think the computer at work.

Bill Simmons (96:40)

Your invitation is getting better.

Adam Carolla (96:42)

That is good.

Bill Simmons (96:42)

It's getting really good.

Adam Carolla (96:43)

Not as good as mine. Do your time, Brady. But I'm writing in my third and final note.

Bill Simmons (96:50)

Yours is Robbie Benson in person.

Adam Carolla (96:53)

Who knows what Robbie Benson, one on.

Bill Simmons (96:55)

One, all the way up with the Red hot poker.

Cousin Sal (96:58)

But you got to end it with something Non Sequoia.

Adam Carolla (97:01)

Go back Varsity Blues. Oh, you're right, you're right. Do that. So the computer at work. Eventually, at some point companies were making money because of productivity and all that. But now with everyone checking their roto leagues and their fancy football and you porn and all that stuff, like at a certain point it's going to get to the point of diminished returns. Right? Like, and I guess companies don't let you will they block out espn? Like I know you couldn't go to.

Bill Simmons (97:33)

That'S happened a lot. A lot of emails about that.

Adam Carolla (97:36)

Oh, really? They're getting on it.

Bill Simmons (97:37)

You get. They'll have a list. It's a blacklist. I think they started it for porn, but now it's somehow spread to sports.

Adam Carolla (97:43)

Right.

Bill Simmons (97:44)

So it'd be like if ESPN is in the title of the URL, you can't get it on in the website.

Adam Carolla (97:49)

And then. Yeah, and then what are you supposed to do? Like, you're supposed to go in and complain. Like, how can you do that with your boss? What are you gonna do?

Bill Simmons (97:57)

But then I go on ESPN and change my lineup and I can't.

Adam Carolla (98:00)

But then will guys be able to bring in their, you know, ipods and their cell phones and stuff and start checking stuff that way?

Bill Simmons (98:08)

I think what you probably do is you get a laptop and then you get one of those wireless connections that connect anywhere.

Adam Carolla (98:14)

Right.

Bill Simmons (98:14)

And that's it. So you circumvent the system, so to speak.

Adam Carolla (98:17)

Just the notion of working in a cubicle and having a man come up and sterile. And Sal. You know why Sal is like, cubicles. You can't really fart up a cubicle.

Cousin Sal (98:26)

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Adam Carolla (98:27)

Yeah, it's just. It's really. It's really sort of degrading. It's kind of a stall. Sort of like for a horse or pig or something acoustic. More from the farm.

Cousin Sal (98:37)

Yeah, they had the farmer in mind.

Bill Simmons (98:39)

Well, I'll tell you, I shared an office with Cousin SAL for 18 months. And there's just things you learn not to do. You learn not. You learn to log out when you're not going to be near your computer. Yeah, because he'll go on and he'll send an email to the head writer, like, who the f do you think you are? Then you get this email back from your boss. Why did you send me that? Yeah, I didn't send you anything.

Adam Carolla (99:01)

Well, also, I don't know if you guys are. I don't believe I told you this story, but there should be a text for being. When you're being sarcastic, because I read a lot of it. Well, every five emails a year. But half of them seem like they're snarky when I'm not sure if they are or not. And hate to be a name dropper, but I sent Baldwin an email that said, thanks for the blurb for my book, and he sent me back a snarky email saying, what wasn't enough for you and I. But the email was like, no, thanks, Baldwin.

Cousin Sal (99:34)

That sounds like Billy.

Adam Carolla (99:35)

Terence. He's the Black one. Oh, they don't talk about him? Hell no. Just cuz Brock's in don't mean we're ready for Terence Baldwin yet. Hell no, we're not ready. Don't kid yourself.

Bill Simmons (99:46)

You talk about the Alpha. Alpha sibling. William Baldwin made a run at Alec there during the Sliver.

Adam Carolla (99:52)

Yeah. The Sliver years.

Bill Simmons (99:53)

The Sliver years. He made quiet like.

Adam Carolla (99:55)

I can't believe there's no more applause for Sliver. Come on. The Rudy applause. Yeah. Sliver. Yeah, that was one of those movies that. It was back when you would just go see any movie.

Bill Simmons (100:10)

Yeah, I saw that in the theater.

Adam Carolla (100:11)

Just. I saw in the theater too. And it's like. You're like, it's a movie and it's near my house, so I'm going. And I'll be there for six months, so I got no choice.

Bill Simmons (100:20)

I saw that movie with my buddy House, and I remember having the conversation whether we wanted to make sure Sharon Stone was definitely gonna be naked in it.

Adam Carolla (100:26)

Yeah.

Bill Simmons (100:27)

And then we just ended rolling the dice because you just don't know. There's no Internet to go to. You're not gonna find out any inside dirt, whatever.

Adam Carolla (100:33)

But once you saw her pussy in Jagged Edge or whatever the hell, Basic insect. I think of another movie, there's a ripoff, I guess. Once you see your vagina. What else do you need? A little nip slip like you. You know what I'm saying?

Bill Simmons (100:47)

With Sharon Stone, it's 1993, you know that's true.

Adam Carolla (100:51)

I need to see the hymen. I want to see the lady of manor and majora and Senora Ole. Jesse and Bateman. All right, Bill, now. Have they lost yet?

Cousin Sal (101:11)

Oh, it's real close. I think they're gonna get the ball back with no timeouts.

Adam Carolla (101:15)

And now this will. This will make the. This. This will make the Cowboys what, one in three. One and three. And they're good, right? Like, what did.

Cousin Sal (101:25)

Oh, they're real.

Bill Simmons (101:25)

Wait a second. I want to hear about the Red Roof in.

Adam Carolla (101:28)

Oh, my God. I was.

Bill Simmons (101:30)

August put you up at the Red. Red Roof Inn. In what city?

Adam Carolla (101:33)

What was it? What was it? Hampton Court or whatever. What? By Marriott?

Bill Simmons (101:38)

The Appleton.

Adam Carolla (101:39)

Listen, you don't want anything by Marriott. Free blowjob by Marriott. No, thank you. No, thank you. I'm good friends and family, right? Yeah. Here's. You wouldn't dare put a family member up at the taco stand. It is. It is. The hotel is. Is depressing. But Mike doesn't give a shit. It's got a treadmill and free water in the sink. And he. And yeah, and a little breakfast downstairs. So he doesn't care.

Bill Simmons (102:12)

What are his requirements for a hotel? Like a roof? Does the shower matter? Is the shower ultimately a deal breaker?

Adam Carolla (102:21)

His writer says he can't be brutally raped between the hours of 2am and 4am that's the only thing that's on his rider. So he really has stuff that can't be done to him. But not stuff that I need.

Will Sasso (102:36)

How much do you enjoy drinking your.

Adam Carolla (102:37)

Red wine out of a coffee mug?

Tom Beers (102:40)

Awesome.

Bill Simmons (102:41)

Fresh towels every three days.

Adam Carolla (102:42)

I considered drinking the wine out of the bottle, then realized it made me a hobo that wouldn't stay in that room, by the way. So I thought, now, Raiders touchdown. You know. You know what I was saying to Mike? Because really, when you're making the travel plans and Mike is saying, we're staying at the Hampton Inn or we're staying at the Red Roof, or we're staying at the Whatever versus Whatever. Cool hipster. Like, what was that place we stayed in in Portland? The Nines. But I don't know. But when you don't live in the town, you don't know the difference in the name. I mean, you know Four Seasons, but other than that, like, you basically don't know what the name is.

Cousin Sal (103:23)

Nine is higher than four, right?

Adam Carolla (103:25)

Yeah, the Nine Seasons. I'm. I'm just saying they should just have numbers. Like, they should have the five and the one we stayed at a minus two with a. With a. With a bad croissant that was free. But I'm saying, if Mike said. If I said, well, where are we staying in Addison, Texas? And he said, oh, we're staying at the one and a halfs, I'd say, like, no, let's stay in a three. But. But since we're staying at the Courtyard or the whatever, I don't know what the it is. And because you know Mike, anything with acoustic ceiling is fine with him. You know what's bad, by the way? When they can't get the TV at the end of the bed, they have to put it next to the bed. So you have to lay on the bed sideways, sort of falling off it to look at the tv. Bad, bad sign.

Bill Simmons (104:09)

I think the command cousin Sal for his performance these last five minutes.

Adam Carolla (104:12)

Yes.

Bill Simmons (104:13)

As the Cowboys season basically went out.

Cousin Sal (104:15)

When you have no barriers, it's nice. You just, you know, they can lose and they lose.

Adam Carolla (104:19)

All right, now, see, Sal, let it go.

Bill Simmons (104:21)

Just one before you go, let me.

Adam Carolla (104:24)

Tell you what Swayze would tell you. To do.

Bill Simmons (104:25)

What would he say?

Adam Carolla (104:26)

Let it turn. Let it turn. I don't know what beat the crap out of your kid when you get home, but let it turn. Use it like they did Wolverine.

Bill Simmons (104:36)

Take advantage of the dead. Were you okay with Jennifer Gray playing the Swayze card in the first Dance with the Stars episode I heard about? My wife was very upset.

Adam Carolla (104:45)

Oh, yeah.

Bill Simmons (104:46)

She didn't even wait till episode seven to.

Adam Carolla (104:49)

I'm sure if I know my good British friends over there, I'm sure they cooked up that whole thing and got her going, but she's nuts. I p. I did my bit and. Pastor in the hall at the rehearsal studio.

Cousin Sal (105:02)

Big fan.

Adam Carolla (105:04)

Well, no, I mean, yeah, we had. Listen, all right, Simmons, say all you want. I already hear you cackling in the background. I hear both you talking. And Simmons, this is.

Bill Simmons (105:15)

This is your darkest.

Adam Carolla (105:16)

I don't. As. As. As a. As a celebrity. I don't make up the other celebrity chicks that have taken a shine at to the Ace man. And there's only about three of them. Fifteen years in this town, there's been. There's been three or four of them that have essentially admitted to it. She's one of them.

Bill Simmons (105:35)

Are we counting David Arquette's brother slash sister?

Adam Carolla (105:38)

That's different. That was purely sexual. This had an emotional component as well. Yeah, she did loveline in, like, 19, you know, 98 or something. And she kind of had. She kind of had the hot for me. And then I hadn't seen her since. And then she was rehearsing in the room that has the stairs that's shaped like the front of the stage of. I pay the. By the way, I felt totally ripped off because the whole time I was rehearsing. You just rehearse on, like, you know, a high school basketball floor or something. And then you'd go into the actual studio where they film Dance with the Stars, and I was like, how's everyone leaping off these stairs and doing the lifts and stuff? Off the stairs? Because they don't exist. How can you practice? You don't get to use the stairs and lift. They have a certain stage that they only let good people use. Evidently, that has the stairs all built in. So when they do all that crap at the beginning where they're going down the stairs and jumping off the stairs.

Cousin Sal (106:36)

You needed to cry more.

Adam Carolla (106:37)

That's where. That's where she was. And, well, I did my whole thing over Don't Sway. But they cut it out. It wasn't dead. They had two flimsy arguments. Still Alive, which I thought was spurious, and no one's heard of him, but either way I still stick to it.

Bill Simmons (106:54)

But you and I were the only dance wage.

Adam Carolla (106:56)

She was in the room and she was done rehearsing or something. And I was gonna that move where I was gonna try to sneak down the hall, but I ran into Derek Huff. And Derek was like, hey, come on in here. And I poked my head in there and there was Jennifer Gray. And she was sitting there. She's nice, but she's a little nutty. And she took a ice pack and I said, how's it going? She had ice on her knee and I said, how's that going? Is your knee okay? And she goes, oh, yeah, it's all right. I just put ice wherever I need it. And then she got that. She immediately took the ice pack and mashed it right against her vagina. Absolutely. Absolutely. And it was weird because I thought like, hey, this is cool from Wolverine and stuff, but I thought, this a 50 year old woman pack ice against.

Cousin Sal (107:39)

Why don't they show that there to dance every week?

Adam Carolla (107:42)

Yeah, yeah. And you know what? When it hit it, it went.

Bill Simmons (107:48)

Explain something to me. What is it about that show that anybody who's on it, it almost becomes like a Scientology cult.

Adam Carolla (107:54)

Oh, you mean where you get. You get sucked into it?

Bill Simmons (107:57)

Yeah, like, you follow. I follow a couple people who may or may not have been on that show, and they'll tweet about the show the next couple seasons, great routine, nice job, blah, blah, blah. And it's like you, you're kind of in for life. It's like. Yeah, it's like joining a fraternity in college.

Adam Carolla (108:10)

Yeah. Yeah, you do.

Bill Simmons (108:12)

Why is that? You're like, that's everything you're against in life is that. And yet you're into it. Well, explain yourself.

Adam Carolla (108:19)

Yeah, I. You'd say I should be against it until a couple heavy set women of color recognize you in the bush airport over in Houston, and then you realize it was all worthwhile.

Bill Simmons (108:31)

No, but you liked it though. Like, you were like, really? You were honestly devastated when you got like.

Cousin Sal (108:36)

They all say we're all.

Adam Carolla (108:37)

I was not.

Bill Simmons (108:38)

You were devastated.

Adam Carolla (108:39)

You were devastated. You were devastated. So happy to go to sleep.

Cousin Sal (108:43)

You were as devastated as you can be. Yeah, you. You probably were okay with not dancing anymore, but I.

Bill Simmons (108:51)

You were pretty upset.

Adam Carolla (108:52)

I was upset. What did I say? Did I do anything?

Cousin Sal (108:56)

You made. What was your final. We have to pull that up. You said something like, no one can understand what my final statement.

Bill Simmons (109:05)

Emotional Ace, man.

Adam Carolla (109:06)

No no, it was very. It was very powerful. It was powerful. It was a very special episode of the Ace Man 2 parter. I'll tell you what I said.

Cousin Sal (109:14)

Put your mind.

Adam Carolla (109:14)

What was it? I said the beauty of the dance floors. It's sort of even and it doesn't show favoritism. And you could be gay, straight or Gutenberg, which got a huge laugh for some reason, which meant everyone thought Gutenberg was. Everybody worked there, thought, what is this guy doing? What is he up to sexually? And I still can't figure it out. He called me Addie 10 seconds after I met him. I just decided, look, if someone's going to put a microphone in front of your face and you get to talk to 20 million people, try to say something that's, you know, got some depth to it or something, don't just say it was awesome to be here. And I want to thank Julian.

Bill Simmons (109:54)

Can we get back to the part where you like, really genuinely like ballroom dancing?

Adam Carolla (109:58)

Yeah. This is all just podcast fodder. Potter.

Bill Simmons (110:03)

Is it not true?

Adam Carolla (110:04)

Have I ever danced again? Have I ever put shoes on? You're into it.

Bill Simmons (110:09)

You're like, it's the best workout I've ever had.

Adam Carolla (110:11)

Best workout at, you know, beating off is the best I've ever had. You know, when I go for the hat trick drum, that's the best workout.

Bill Simmons (110:19)

Donnie, you've known the Ace man For what, 30 years? Did it, did it scare you a tiny bit how much he enjoyed his Dancing with the Stars?

Adam Carolla (110:26)

Enjoyed it.

Bill Simmons (110:27)

Did you make you reevaluate?

Adam Carolla (110:29)

Listen, it's weird that I was on the show, but if I enjoyed it, I wouldn't have limited my practice time to two hours a day when everyone else was doing five or six hours. You know, I wasn't putting that.

Cousin Sal (110:39)

That's exactly our point.

Adam Carolla (110:42)

I was doing a radio show. I was getting up at 4:45 every morning and then having to go dance afterward. I, I.

Bill Simmons (110:48)

Did you keep in touch with Jillian.

Adam Carolla (110:50)

Huff after I'm her. That's your asking. No, I didn't. She promised we'd be like tweet buddies or something. Never talked to show her that the partners.

Bill Simmons (111:01)

Because, you know, Rick Fox, if it has happen yet, it will with the partner.

Adam Carolla (111:05)

Oh yeah.

Bill Simmons (111:06)

You just there you're together all the time and it's physical and it just.

Adam Carolla (111:10)

There'S a probably happen. Right. You do. You're sweating on each other, they're putting their knee in your groin and you're, you know, it's, it's hard.

Bill Simmons (111:18)

Well, and then also you're getting scored.

Adam Carolla (111:20)

Yeah.

Bill Simmons (111:21)

That's like you're. You're bonding.

Adam Carolla (111:22)

You're being judged. You're soldiers in a war, Julian, against the world.

Cousin Sal (111:27)

Yeah, well, Adam took the smart, believed tact early. Whether he believed it or not that Julianne was like a sister to him.

Adam Carolla (111:34)

Yeah.

Cousin Sal (111:34)

As long as he kept with that, he was okay with the wife and.

Bill Simmons (111:37)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (111:38)

Yeah.

Bill Simmons (111:38)

A different kind of partner might not have.

Adam Carolla (111:40)

Yeah, I. I looked at her. Yeah. It's like a stepsister who I just met, who I really wanted to. That's. That's kind of how I look.

Bill Simmons (111:49)

Taboo, too, where's.

Adam Carolla (111:50)

He's got it all. Yeah. Now she's. She's a delight. It was always great because the whole time I was dancing with her, David Spade was texting her pig. 45 years old. She's got three hymens. Really, buddy? Jesus Christ.

Cousin Sal (112:11)

He's doing the same with Florence Henderson.

Adam Carolla (112:13)

Sure. All right, guys, you've been very generous with your time. Bill, toss out a plug for the podcast.

Bill Simmons (112:21)

Oh, yeah, or you can get my cobs espn.com get the podcast on. It's the BS report. Get it on iTunes or espn.com cousin Sal's on every Monday during the NFL season. That's right, and you're coming out soon because we're gonna see some sort of bad movie at some point. I know what it is.

Adam Carolla (112:37)

I'm looking forward to it. And also cousin Sal, of course, can be found at Jimmy Kimmel Live at 12:06 every weeknight, ABC. Thanks a ton, guys. Great work. Will Sasso is going to make his way into our makeshift studio. Wheeze Will, demike the fellas. Is it hot in here or is that just me? What the hell's going on with this town? Sasso, everybody. By the way, check out Sasso's calves. Sasso, come here. Give. Give these guys a little calf blast here. Look at these. Look at the goddamn calves go. Turn around. Turn around on Will. Turn the other way around for a second. Look. Would you look at their veins coming out of that thing? Wow. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Great to see you. Is Will miked up? Oh, okay. Well, let me do a. Thanks, guys. Great work. Weezer, shall I do a live read here? How about. Yes? Put your hands together. How about we do one for my good friends over at 01 Media Center? 310-651-8488? You can get yourself an iPad over there. These guys are building custom computer systems for the film, tv, music industry. Fifteen years in the business, we got our supercomputer from these guys. You can rent a computer? Why would you rent a computer? Maybe you're editing an independent film and you only need a supercomputer for a couple of weeks. Anyway, there are authorized Apple resellers and service center. They can take care of your Apple care needs right at the store. My wife got the iPad with the Angry Birds on it. And now the angry porn I brought home from Houston. 310-65-1848, 0801 Media center that 01 Media Center. Donnie quiet. 01 Media Center.com thanks, buddy, for the life reads at least. Will Sasso. How's it going, buddy?

Will Sasso (114:44)

Get it on.

Adam Carolla (114:45)

Thanks for dragging those calves up the stairs to us over here. That is awesome. It was funny. Will and I saw each other doing a little independent film for a friend of ours about three weeks or a month ago, right?

Will Sasso (114:59)

Yeah, yeah.

Adam Carolla (115:00)

And I remember thinking, and this is the way I work, and I'm sure you work this way too, where I was thinking, what the hell's Will up to? Haven't seen him on anything lately.

Will Sasso (115:10)

That's the way I think.

Adam Carolla (115:11)

And my thing is, if I don't see you on tv, if two days goes by and I don't see you in a movie or on tv, I'm like, what happened to that guy? He dropped off the face of the earth. And then they'll tell you what they did. So I was thinking, the hell's Will up to? And then I realized, well, he's co starring in Shit my dad says. I guess we just say it that way. CBS Thursdays 8:30 with the Shatner. And then he's in Life as we know it. So he's in one of the biggest sitcoms on right now. Newest, biggest, newest shows on tv. And then one of the biggest, newest movies that's out in the theaters as we speak. So I guess you're doing all right.

Will Sasso (115:47)

I guess I'm doing okay. Yeah. Well, you know, I. Yeah, it's important for me in my career that everybody knows what I'm doing at all times. And if they wake up in the morning and say, what's Will Sasso up to? And they don't know immediately, then I failed.

Adam Carolla (115:58)

Well, what happened was, is my wife brought it up, you know, first thing in the morning and I panicked. I didn't have an answer for her. I'm like, who's going to feed those calves?

Will Sasso (116:07)

I'm really sorry that I. I'm really.

Adam Carolla (116:09)

Sorry if I can't retail with those kind of horseshoes. No, Way. So Katherine Heigl, crazy bitch. No, come on, for real.

Will Sasso (116:19)

No, I'm not that guy smoking. No, no, no. I'm not that person that would come here and cover up if she was like. If she was a total. Now, you.

Adam Carolla (116:28)

I know Joshua used to say C.

Will Sasso (116:30)

On the radio, but you can say cunt now.

Adam Carolla (116:32)

Yeah, you can say now.

Will Sasso (116:33)

Katherine Heigl's not a cunt with a K or a C. Right.

Adam Carolla (116:35)

And Josh Duhamel, real nice guy, right?

Will Sasso (116:38)

Yeah. Yeah. The nicest guy in the world. So.

Adam Carolla (116:39)

Nicest guy in the world.

Will Sasso (116:40)

Maybe that's it. Maybe she was, like, briefed before. If she is, in fact a K cunt, then she was probably brief, like, hey, be super nice, because Demel's. No, she was great.

Adam Carolla (116:50)

Demel. I mean, he was in Vegas, right.

Will Sasso (116:52)

I've never seen anything that the man's been in. No, Vegas?

Adam Carolla (116:56)

Yeah, Las Vegas, the tv. And I. I did that. And he was just a super simple guy. Like, he's like a. I don't know, Carpenter from Sacramento or something. Just happened to be one of these guys just like us. Strikingly handsome.

Will Sasso (117:08)

Sure.

Adam Carolla (117:08)

And just got sucked into the business.

Will Sasso (117:10)

Maybe not quite as handsome, but. Yeah, I see what you're. Put your land.

Adam Carolla (117:12)

How did. How did you get going in your career? How'd you get on MAD tv?

Will Sasso (117:18)

Well, I mean, I don't know. Like, the fast version is I grew up in Vancouver, Canada, or just outside of it, in the suburbs. And there's a lot of stuff going on there in the, you know, early 90s. And so, you know, I kind of crashed a few auditions, got going, and at the age of 15, got an agent, ended up on a teen show, which was like a drama thing. Moved down here, and Huge Cavs incorporated. Huge Cavs, Yeah.

Adam Carolla (117:37)

Huge. Singing songs about having huge cash.

Will Sasso (117:39)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (117:40)

Yeah. So you. You were doing comedy at 15?

Will Sasso (117:43)

I was acting, you know.

Adam Carolla (117:44)

Right.

Will Sasso (117:45)

Auditioning and acting. I wanted to be. I wanted to do funny stuff. But I would make the mistake because early on, I mean, I'm not the. I wasn't the thespian that I am now.

Adam Carolla (117:53)

Sure.

Will Sasso (117:53)

Think I could act then. But anyway. Yeah, you just try to make everything funny.

Adam Carolla (117:59)

Sure.

Will Sasso (117:59)

You got, like, two lines on X Files, and you try to make it funny, whatever. So I just was like.

Adam Carolla (118:04)

But they were going up there filming everything. So in a weird way, like, the business came to you. Like, if you lived in Cleveland, you'd have to go to Hollywood, which would not have happened. Canada, they come to you. It was.

Will Sasso (118:17)

It was the junior college of show business. It was good.

Adam Carolla (118:19)

Yeah, I remember they did X Files. I think me and Jimmy went up there. And by the way, you want to talk about low self esteem? Jimmy Kimmel's number one crush on TV was Jillian. What's her name?

Will Sasso (118:31)

Selena Anderson.

Adam Carolla (118:32)

Yeah, from. Come on, you got to set your goals a little higher than that. Hell, you might be able to screw her in real life. Jimmy, you're such a well built fella.

Will Sasso (118:43)

Well, cheers.

Adam Carolla (118:44)

Did you play some football or hockey or something?

Will Sasso (118:46)

I did play some football. I played a lot of football. I had a heavy disdain for hockey because I can't play any sport where there's something under my feet.

Adam Carolla (118:53)

Right.

Will Sasso (118:53)

The big guys don't do that, so. But I played a lot of football.

Adam Carolla (118:55)

What position did you play?

Will Sasso (118:56)

Center and nose tackle.

Adam Carolla (118:58)

Oh, yeah, just put. You just run stuffer?

Will Sasso (119:00)

Yeah, just. Just get my big ass in there and up in there.

Adam Carolla (119:03)

How's that? And I'm. I'm guessing high school football in Canada just plays Canadian football in Canada.

Tom Beers (119:11)

And they need a huge field.

Will Sasso (119:13)

Well, we know, we, you know, the rest of the country is playing Canadian Rules, but for some reason, growing up on the west coast, we played NFL rules.

Adam Carolla (119:19)

Oh, yeah.

Will Sasso (119:20)

We played American Rules because we played some American teams down in Washington State, so I don't know why, but football, bc, whatever we were playing, we were playing American rules.

Adam Carolla (119:31)

Oh, that's cool.

Will Sasso (119:32)

Then we went to this thing at the end of high school. You get on the all star thing and we have to play in this thing called the Canada bowl, which is just funny.

Adam Carolla (119:38)

So you were selected to play in the Canada Bowl?

Will Sasso (119:40)

Yeah, sure.

Adam Carolla (119:40)

Yeah.

Will Sasso (119:40)

No, football.

Adam Carolla (119:41)

That's great.

Will Sasso (119:41)

I'll tell you what, here's the thing.

Adam Carolla (119:43)

What happened with you in football?

Will Sasso (119:45)

I was working as an actor. I was doing a TV series when I got out of high school. And then I actually got into a film and I couldn't, you know, I had. My art teacher was telling. I remember my art teacher pulling me into his office for real in the 12th grade. And he goes, he goes. This is literally what he said. I'll never forget. He goes, sasso, blue collar family. I go, yeah, yeah. Dad gets up in the morning, goes to work. Yeah. He's like, forget about this acting thing. And I was like, you are the last guy that I wanted. You're my art teacher.

Adam Carolla (120:11)

Oh.

Will Sasso (120:11)

Everyone wanted me to just get a football scholarship and learn how to act in Nebraska, you know, So I was like, no, I'm already working. And so I kind of took a chance and told Everyone to fuck off.

Adam Carolla (120:20)

So you, you were being recruited by schools we've heard of?

Will Sasso (120:26)

Sure. Though I was, I was a highly recruited young man. But it would kind of became a joke because it was obvious that I would have to go to some sort of junior college because I just couldn't. I mean, I was, I was working so much. I was working and I just. Yeah, I didn't really care about school.

Adam Carolla (120:38)

Yeah, I was just stupid.

Will Sasso (120:39)

And I would tell anybody that was, listen that I was going to be an actor. Looking back, I was confident. Those people are confident, confident.

Adam Carolla (120:46)

So you probably could have, could have got a free ride somewhere. But who knows? After a couple years at junior college and in football, you blow a knee out at any moment.

Will Sasso (120:55)

Yeah. If the best you could become is Alex Karras or Fred Dreyer, I think I picked the right.

Adam Carolla (121:01)

No, no, actually you got £50 on Freddie Drier. I got news for you right now, speaking of Dancing with the Stars and I know this sparse football crowd here might not know the great Fred Dreyer did a little show called Hunter. Yeah. Wow. Wow. No Hunter fan out there at all. Yeah, he was in the Rams. He was in the Rams. We just got back from Cowboy Stadium. And what did Mike August, what did Donnie refer to the end zone as?

Will Sasso (121:33)

That's the touchdown zone.

Adam Carolla (121:34)

Touchdown zone. No, Gayer. Man alive. Touchdown.

Will Sasso (121:39)

That is what, that's, that's.

Adam Carolla (121:40)

You don't want to be ramming anything in, by the way. You do not want to be in the Rams. But Fred Dryer. Now here's what pissed me off. You know, Fred Dreyer, okay, He was a, he was all pro defensive end, Undersized defensive end for the Rams for, I don't know, eight years, nine years, 70s, early 80s. Probably played in one Super Bowl. When I did Dancing with the Stars, I was talking to Jason Taylor. Jason Taylor's been in the league for 11 years, 12 years now. I mean, he's not a spring chicken. He's, you know, 35 year old guy. Jason Taylor is a wildly undersized defensive end. He's tall, he's wiry, but I mean, in a league where, you know, 10 years, you know, 20 years ago they had Dexter Manley and guys, you know, 275, 285 pound dudes. He was a guy who was recruited to play in the NFL, a position where he was at least 50 pounds underweight. I mean, he's, he's, he's a thin, trim guy. He's a 230 pound. 235, 40 pound guy. So I said to him, well, speaking to Jason Taylor, by the way, wildly educated, super smart, hanging backstage with him, just talking football. And I said, you know, good enough for Freddie Dreyer, good enough for you. And he said, who? Oh, no, I said, fred Dreyer. Who?

Will Sasso (123:00)

Seriously?

Adam Carolla (123:00)

Fred Dreyer, the only undersized defensive end who, by the way, left the league as you were entering. They're like, didn't your fucking agent bring it up 250 times where they're like. Where they're saying he's too small to play defensive end. Didn't anyone go, yeah, that's what they said about Fred Dreyer when he came out of Clemson in 1972. Like nothing. Nobody never heard the name.

Will Sasso (123:22)

You didn't think you were talking. You were talking about Fred schneider from the B52. You the guy who went love Shaq.

Adam Carolla (123:28)

That guy. That the guy. The guy that gained the convertible.

Will Sasso (123:31)

I didn't know he played.

Adam Carolla (123:32)

He what? He worked. He worked the blind side. I guess that would be the ultimate blind side beside Fred Schneider work. Yeah. It always pisses me off when people who are in the game, they played your position. There were an all pro, he didn't play, you know, with a leather helmet or anything. Super Bowl.

Will Sasso (123:53)

The only guy that works with is the super athletic African guy who's like, he didn't.

Adam Carolla (123:57)

The great.

Will Sasso (123:58)

The story on this guy didn't even play college football.

Adam Carolla (124:00)

I will, I will give it to you.

Will Sasso (124:01)

Those are the only guys that can get away with that.

Adam Carolla (124:03)

If you're the Nigerian nightmare, right? And somebody has. If Christian Okoye and you're playing for the Chiefs and someone has to explain to you who Vince Lombardi is or something, fine, so be it. Because you grew up in some weird village carrying water on your head.

Will Sasso (124:18)

Who's Vince Lombardi? I do not know. Who's Frank Sinatra? I do not know.

Adam Carolla (124:21)

Right, right. Yeah, yeah. You don't know who Wee Bunks is? Come on, dude.

Will Sasso (124:27)

Ya Tittle.

Adam Carolla (124:29)

Yeah, who is your Ya Tittle? Oh, by the way, Donnie doesn't know any of those names either. Larry Zonka. Yeah, you know Larry Zonka because he looks exactly like that psychic. What the hell is this? What? The guy who invented the guy who invented the Ghost Whisperer. Somebody. All right, you want to have some Twitter fun? I'm going to have to do this when I get home. Just the have fun with the Google image. Who is that ass wiped psychic with the muscle mustache? Yeah. Vance Van Prague. Van Prague. James Van Prague. Take a look at James Van Praag. And Larry Zonka. They look. He looks like a gay version of Larry. Like Larry Zonka was toting the. Instead of the rock. That's exactly what he would look like. And I asked Van Prague, I'm like, this is another thing that pissed me off. This is my version of tape. Jason Taylor. I said, how many? I know I can't be the first person who's told you look exactly like Larry Zonker. I was like, fuck, you're 50 years old. No one has said to you that that means you run with a crowd that doesn't watch football.

Will Sasso (125:36)

To his, to his defense, there was a period, I believe, between 1977 and 78, that every man in America looked like Larry Zonka. I mean, everyone.

Adam Carolla (125:44)

You're lucky.

Will Sasso (125:45)

Yeah. Shaggy hair, bushy mustache, big old form.

Adam Carolla (125:50)

By the way, this table next to me. Listen, let me just say this about drinks in a bar. This is. I know, everyone loves those goddamn fruity drinks. Yes. Get drunk, you spill them and they're fly paper. It doesn't happen with beer or whiskey. It happens with this goddamn daiquiris and stuff. This table, my hair is my come off. My DNA is all over it. August, why'd you put this stupid table here if it's covered in filth and stick it to me? That right, Throw it. How dare you. Well, let's talk more about you. How's Shatner?

Will Sasso (126:28)

Shatner's awesome. Shatner is, he's, he's, he's, he's an unstoppable life force that will outlive us all. And. Yeah, he's 79, 80 years old. Yeah, it's incredible.

Adam Carolla (126:42)

Incredible, isn't It's. I'm trying to think of just when his renaissance occurred. Sure, because he was a punchline 10 years ago, 15 years ago. I mean, he kind of slid. They, they started doing the movies and then, and then they stopped doing those. I mean, the Star Trek stuff. But he was kind of a punchline for a while, and now he's become a parody of himself. But in a good way.

Will Sasso (127:09)

Well, I mean, I think, I think, I mean, acting wise, sort of, as far as his visibility and where he's been, I mean, I think it's David E. Kelly just putting him on Boston Legal was like, you know, someone recognizing, you know, William Shatner's a really great actor, and if you can find the right role for him, he's fantastic. And then he wins an Emmy. So there you go. And then. Yeah, and then it's like this incredible renaissance of A guy who's, you know, whatever. I don't know what you want to say. He's older and he's doing the sitcom. It's, it's, yeah, he does.

Adam Carolla (127:38)

He, you know, you gotta wonder like, is a guy like that? And I guess it's indelicate to ask, but is a guy like that set for life, money wise? Absolutely loves his goddamn horses. Yes. And you think if he had his way, just be riding in a circle around Burbank on one of those horses until his two blew off. Right.

Will Sasso (127:58)

But my first, my first thought when I heard that he was attached, it was all good things. I'm like, oh, shit. My dad says it's a sitcom or bleep, my dad says they're calling it. I go up, Shatner and his rhythm and the live audience, if we put that together, that's great. And then as soon as I became attached, my first concern was, isn't he just gonna fuck off with his horses at some point? And it's just, I'm just waiting for that day where I show up and it's like, you know what? Bill just realized that he would rather move to Kentucky with his lovely wife and never see any of us ever again and just ride his horses around.

Adam Carolla (128:27)

I get the feeling he's got a little bit of an ego and I think he likes to be in the game. And also there's this sense where, you know, in a weird way, becoming irrelevant in TV is sort of the same as dying. It's sort of almost like saying sadly, but, but you do those celebrities thing, like you go, is Larry Storch still alive? And you do that weird thing like, is he dead? I don't know if he did. And I think for Shatner that'd probably be the worst thing. That'd be the worst moment in his life.

Will Sasso (128:57)

I can speak personally, you know, bringing it back to the way we started off here. If there's a demographic that wakes up in America and isn't going to go out and see a romantic comedy this weekend, or doesn't care about a multi camera sitcom on television, I'm dead to them.

Adam Carolla (129:11)

Yeah.

Will Sasso (129:11)

So, yeah, I guess that doesn't feel so good. Maybe that's it.

Adam Carolla (129:14)

I'd like to have a competition to see whose head was bigger, yours or Shatner's. Because I feel like there's a couple 10 gallon cabas.

Will Sasso (129:23)

Yeah, no, I gotta, I have, I have a basketball for a head, but yeah, Shatner's got Shatner's head. Grows like a tree. It's Got rings. I mean, there's just that skull.

Adam Carolla (129:30)

He almost hit a Jerry Lewis esque growth spurt with his, with his noggin.

Will Sasso (129:35)

Yeah, There's a lot of high cheek density, a lot of scar tissue from all the talking.

Adam Carolla (129:39)

Yeah, God love me some Shannon. Who else is doing that show? Oh, oh, we just talking about your fellow alum from Nicole Sullivan.

Will Sasso (129:48)

Nicole Sullivan, Yeah, we play husband and wife on that.

Adam Carolla (129:50)

I would go ahead and call her delight.

Will Sasso (129:53)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I would too.

Adam Carolla (129:55)

Thing that was always funny about MAD TV's. Inevitably, eventually 13 seasons. How many seasons they did?

Will Sasso (130:03)

I think they did 14 seasons.

Adam Carolla (130:05)

14 seasons. I swear to God, every single year they would come on Loveline and during the commercial break, Nicole Sullivan or somebody, maybe you or Deborah, the crazy black chick, would lean over to me and.

Bill Simmons (130:18)

Go, this is our last season.

Will Sasso (130:20)

Yeah, yeah.

Adam Carolla (130:20)

And I was getting that in season three and season two and season seven. Yeah. They always come on and go, this is it. This is pulling the plug on it. What did they do? Did they just convince everyone it was never like that doesn't happen with snl, right.

Will Sasso (130:35)

That the cast goes around saying that this is over.

Adam Carolla (130:38)

We're only going 39.

Will Sasso (130:39)

I don't know what they. Well, first of all, the show cost about $500 a week to produce. At the end of the day, when, when you know, when you're talking about everything and how much they paid for stuff, which wasn't a lot. I mean, I don't know. I mean it was on at a million o'clock on Fox on Saturday night. The alternative is like Tales from the Crypt rerun. So.

Adam Carolla (130:56)

Right.

Will Sasso (130:56)

It's kind of cheap programming. I felt the same way. I joined in season three and was like, I immediately joined, was so happy, couldn't believe I was doing this gig. And I'm saying this is going away.

Adam Carolla (131:06)

Good.

Will Sasso (131:06)

I got some tape of me, you know, impersonating Bill Clinton or something. Sure, that's good. That'll help me out there in the world. And then it kept going and I.

Adam Carolla (131:13)

Left because I was like, did you. Who were you on with? Were you on with Artie?

Will Sasso (131:17)

No, I essentially replaced Artie as the. I mean not. Didn't do anything he used to do, but as a fat guy on the sketch show.

Adam Carolla (131:24)

We need a big dude.

Will Sasso (131:25)

You need a fat guy, a black guy.

Adam Carolla (131:27)

Right.

Will Sasso (131:28)

And then you can go hog wild with the rest.

Adam Carolla (131:30)

Right, right. And nice to have an Asian dude. Every Asian dude, if you can.

Will Sasso (131:34)

But that's just a perk, not mandatory.

Adam Carolla (131:35)

Who was in your graduating class over there?

Will Sasso (131:38)

I. Well, I joined. Well, Nicole, we worked together for like four years, but she started the show off. First season, I was working with Phil Lamar.

Adam Carolla (131:46)

Yeah.

Will Sasso (131:46)

And Deborah Wilson. And then myself and Alex Borstein joined in the same season.

Adam Carolla (131:50)

Deborah Wilson is nuts. And then not in a bad way, just nuts.

Will Sasso (131:54)

Nuts. In the next season, after Alex and I came on, then Mike McDonald and Mo Collins joined, and Brian Cowan was already gone. Brian Cowan and Artie Lang were. First two seasons, they're gone.

Adam Carolla (132:04)

I didn't know Brian Callum was on Nobody knows.

Will Sasso (132:06)

Nobody Knows. I take great delight in anytime I hang out with Brian because he's a personal friend in anytime anybody comes up and recognizes me and they go, hey, Mad tv. And I just love turning, going, who's this guy?

Adam Carolla (132:16)

Yeah.

Will Sasso (132:17)

They go, we don't know. And then I laugh at Brian.

Adam Carolla (132:18)

Well, he stays. He's the Armenian guy from the Hangover.

Tom Beers (132:21)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (132:21)

He's the guy who worked at the wedding show.

Will Sasso (132:23)

And he brings that up.

Adam Carolla (132:24)

I would probably have that out just as fast as you brought the. Who is this guy? And a real nice guy. I love that goddamn Brian Cowman. You know why I love that guy? The last time I saw him was doing that independent movie with you.

Will Sasso (132:37)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (132:38)

And about three weeks ago. And I'm gonna blow myself here, fellas, so get ready. He came up to me and he said. Was very interested.

Will Sasso (132:46)

Yes.

Adam Carolla (132:46)

He said, you do this improvising stuff, right? And I said, yeah. And he said. He said, no one else really does that, like you do that. And I said, I don't know. I don't. Maybe they don't. And he said, I've been asking around, and everyone says, oh, that's what he does.

Will Sasso (133:02)

Yeah.

Adam Carolla (133:03)

And I said, yeah, well, that's what I do. And he said, you may be the best in the world at doing that.

Will Sasso (133:09)

What you do.

Adam Carolla (133:09)

And I said, I doubt I'm the best in the world at doing improvised comedy or whatever. Doing. And he said, well, it's got to be someone, doesn't it? Somebody needs to be the best, don't they? And I said, I guess. And he said, well, then why not you? Yeah. I was like, all right, yeah. I'm the funniest man alive and making shit up. And he's like, all right. And I thought, thanks, Brian. That was a fucking hell of a compliment.

Will Sasso (133:35)

He's. He's. I was standing right there when he said that, and I remember him going, Adam Carolla. And he was going on. He said, I'm going to tell him. And I'm just thinking Brian's a funny guy because here he is, this kind of, you know, he's like an average dude and he's a funny, accessible joker. And he'll turn on a dime and turn into like a motivational speaker who teaches acting or something.

Adam Carolla (133:51)

He convinced me I was. Yeah. I walked home, my wife told me to take out the garbage, and I said, are you high? I'm the funniest man alive, bitch. Why is my dick in your mouth? Mouth? And how come I don't smell any pot roast? I'm the funniest man alive. I'm like that Dos Equis, guys. Except for with the comedy. Yeah. Thank you. All right, Will Sasso, everyone. Go ahead and put your clammy paws together for Will. Thank you. Hey, thanks. Will can be found on CBS Thursday nights, 8:30, next to my main man Billy Shatner. And S my dad says you know how it goes. Also out in theaters as we speak. Life as we know it. Next to the fetching Katherine Heigl and the down to earth Josh Duhamel. And also you can find him at a cartoon series entitled Neighbors from Hell.

Will Sasso (134:44)

No, I canceled.

Adam Carolla (134:45)

Oh, canceled CBS already.

Will Sasso (134:47)

Already? Summer series canceled. Got a new one coming out called Mongo Wrestling Alliance.

Adam Carolla (134:51)

Look for that instead and you can Twitter him at Will Sasso and find him at. What's the website?

Will Sasso (134:58)

You can go ham.com or just will.

Adam Carolla (135:00)

Sasso.Com and Will, how about you help me out with a live read from my good friends over@proflowers.com? they got a deal. Do you remember back in the day, I don't know, Canadian flower prices? I mean, I got something written down in my skyrocket.

Will Sasso (135:13)

They're so high because of the. The snow.

Adam Carolla (135:15)

But a dozen roses was 99 bucks. Like that was it. It was a hundred bucks. We want to send someone dozen roses. Like 125 bucks. Thanks to our good friends over at ProFlowers. One dozen red roses, 19.99, plus a free glass vase. Can you believe. Do you guys say vase or vase over there?

Will Sasso (135:35)

Vase, of course.

Adam Carolla (135:36)

Yes. Guaranteed to stay fresh for at least seven days. You guys will be broken up by then, so why sweat it? And the special price only available until Friday, October 15th. Now here's the deal. And here's the power move. Fellas, please listen. And I'll speak to my sparse audience here. And ladies, you know what I'm talking about. When a guy gets caught cheating on you and he gets you a dozen roses, that doesn't mean shit. And when it's Your anniversary and he gets you a dozen roses or your dog dies. He gets you a dozen roses. Or it's your birthday and he gets you a dozen roses. He is supposed to. If he doesn't get it for you, he'll get in trouble. But the just because roses, that's a score. That's a big deal. And normally we don't like to get involved with just because. Because. Just because at 125 bucks a pop doesn't make it worth it. But at 1999, do the just because you can.

Will Sasso (136:32)

And you can double the just because and go for two dozen, which is a hell of a just because. You want to talk about blowjob and a pot roast?

Adam Carolla (136:38)

Oh, you know what I mean? Like, that's the new. By the way. Shave and a haircut. 2 bits blowjob in the pot. Rose, 2 bits proflowers.com give them a call at 800 Pro Flowers. Mention Ace and get this deal and the free vase or vase, as Will's folks would say. Also, if you don't mention ace, you will not get the deal. So go to proflowers.com they're great sponsor. Make them happy. Let's make us money. Let's make them money. 1999 proflowers.com Click on the microphone and type in ace. Will again, always a goddamn delight. Thanks for coming in. And until next time, this is Adam Kroll for Bill the sports guy. Cousin Sal and Will Sasso saying mahalo. All right, now, the conclusion of last week's football picks. I was right on the money, man. This is eerie. I got. Well, let's just go through my picks and see exactly how I did. Okay? Sorry, Donnie. Mike, you can't do that in front of me. It'll drive me. It'll drive me. Whack off. I'm recording. You guys stand right in front of me and talk. Go somewhere else. I tell you, I got hypervigilance. All right, let's now do a little roundup of last week's professional football picks. Let's see just how I did. This is Erie. I gotta tell you people, I am good. They ought to call me Ace the Greek. Starting off with Denver and Baltimore. Well, Baltimore won the game 31, 17. And I told you to take Denver, so that's 0 for 1. Next game, Kansas City, Indianapolis. Indianapolis won that game by 19, and I'm 0 for 2. Green Bay, Washington. Washington won that game, 16 13. That puts me at 03. Following game, New York Giants versus Houston. Giants win. I win. That's right. One for four bitches. Let's keep going and see how we do. New Orleans, Arizona. Arizona wins 30 to 20. Again I lose. And finally, Tennessee and Dallas. Tennessee wins 34, 27, and again I lose. So one for six. Yeah, I told you, bet the opposite. If you had bet the opposite of what I told you to do last week and I went one for six, you'd go six and one or five and one. Either way, you could pick a parlay and we could all be rich right now.

Carl's Jr. Voiceover (139:21)

And now, Adam Carolla extra.

Adam Carolla (139:24)

All right, let's now do a little roundup of last week's professional football picks. Let's see just how I did. This is eerie. I gotta tell you people, I am good. They ought to call me Ace the Greek. Starting off with Denver and Baltimore. Well, Baltimore won the game 31, 17, and I told you to take Denver, so that's over for one. Next game, Kansas City, Indianapolis. Indianapolis won that game by 19 and I'm 0 for 2. Green Bay, Washington. Washington won that game 16, 13. That puts me at 03. Following game, New York Giants versus Houston. Giants win, I win. That's right, one for four bitches. Let's keep going and see how we do. New Orleans, Arizona. Arizona wins 30 to 20. Again I lose. And finally, Tennessee and Dallas. Tennessee wins 34, 27, and again I lose. So one for six. Yeah, I told you, bet the opposite. If you had bet the opposite of what I told you to do last week and I went one for six, you'd go six and one or five and one. Either way you could pick a parlay and we could all be rich right now.

Carl's Jr. Voiceover (140:46)

That was your Adam Carolla extra.

Giovanni (140:52)

All right, that is it for today's clips. The Football Sunday shows were done throughout 2010 at the Happy Endings Bar. They had really great apps, by the way. Their appetizers were killer. I went there with Mike Carano, who used to be featured on the Adam Carolla show website with his five minutes with Mike segments. So actually an extra thing you get by going down's website for quite a time. Adam would have various guests over Happy Endings, Bill Simmons, Cousin Sal, usually being the staples. They would watch football, then comment on the games that played that day. It was a very interesting format for the show. It only lasted one season. It was every Sunday episode, and we played almost all of them on Corolla Classics. If you'd like to hear more, please let me know via emailing us classics.com until next weekend and get it on.