ADHD Experts Podcast Episode 543: "Parenting Resistant Tweens and Teens with ADHD: Getting Buy-In from Your Adolescent"

Host: Annie Rogers (Attitude Magazine)
Guest: Dr. Sharon Saline
Release Date: February 19, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode addresses one of the thorniest challenges for parents of tweens and teens with ADHD: handling resistance and oppositional behaviors. Dr. Sharon Saline – clinical psychologist, award-winning author, and ADHD family specialist – demystifies the roots of “defiant” behaviors and provides real, actionable strategies for reducing conflict and strengthening cooperation in the family. The emphasis is on understanding the “why” behind resistance, reframing responses, and cultivating buy-in rather than falling into fights, punishments, or power struggles.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding Resistance in Teens with ADHD

[03:23-10:20]

• Common Challenges Shared by Parents:

  • Emotional outbursts, panic attacks, verbal and physical provocations (“no ownership…punched walls, slammed doors and broken things”).
  • Teen perspectives: frustration at being expected to comply “because I told you so” and the cycle of feeling nagged, judged, and responding with anger or withdrawal.

• Key Quote:

  "Today we'll be talking about how to live and work with teens who...can be resistant, who give you pushback. And we'll learn some tools and techniques that you can use right away."
  — Dr. Sharon Saline [03:23]

2. Co-occurring Conditions and the Adolescent Brain

[07:00-13:50]

• ADHD rarely exists alone – over 2/3 of kids have at least one co-occurring condition (anxiety, depression, conduct problems, learning disabilities, substance use, and eating disorders).

• Boys are diagnosed more, but girls with ADHD are at higher risk for some comorbidities (i.e., eating disorders).

• Understanding the Brain:

  • Prefrontal cortex (self-control, planning, metacognition) develops later in ADHD – often into late 20s.
  • Surge of changes physically AND neurologically during adolescence, paired with pruning of brain connections.

• Notable Quote:

  "The prefrontal cortex...develops, connects with the rest of the brain more slowly in kids with ADHD – up to three years of a delay."
  — Dr. Sharon Saline [10:40]

3. The Roots and Meaning of Oppositional Behavior

[18:02-25:40]

• Resistance and “defiance” are expressions of feeling controlled, disempowered, frustrated, or disconnected.

• Many kids with ADHD (and ODD) reject parents as leaders due to feeling misunderstood.

• Reframe from “what’s wrong with this kid?” to “what’s happening to this kid?” or “what changes can we make in the environment?”

• Defiance can often be lessened by shifting to logical consequences, not punishments.

• Notable Quote:

  "When we punish defiance, we make it worse. What we have to use are logical consequences with clear limits that are much more effective." — Dr. Sharon Saline [21:12]

4. Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) vs. Normal Pushback

[25:40-28:55]

• ODD involves chronic patterns (tantrums, spite, blame, refusal to apologize) but is a relational diagnosis – context matters.

• “No” often means:

  • “Wait, I need to process,”
  • “I want to think about this,”
  • “I need more time”
    Not necessarily a permanent refusal.

• Relationship repair and family-based interventions are key (“parent management training”).

5. Lying, Honesty, and Trust-Building

[29:05-36:40]

• Lying is often a coping response to shame, overwhelm, or to avoid conflict and punishment.

• ADHD teens may also sincerely misremember due to working memory challenges.

• Address honesty through pre-set agreements and logical consequences (“you earn trust, you don’t just have it”).

• Dr. Saline shares a personal anecdote about hard cider and family consequences.

• Quote:

  "If you say, 'I want you to call me at any hour...and then you berate them for being drunk,' they're not going to tell you anymore."
  — Dr. Sharon Saline [34:15]

6. Overwhelm, Regulation, and The STAR Model

[36:41-41:00]

• Overwhelm (too much information, shame, anxiety) drives avoidance and lying.

• STAR Model of Regulation:

  • Stop the action (pause),
  • Think (take a break, cool down),
  • Act (decide on the next step),
  • Recover (process later, after step back).

• It takes seconds to escalate but up to 20 minutes to regulate after an outburst.

• Youth Voices:

  "It's like being a volcano that's ready to explode at all times."
  — Kayla, 17 [41:00]

7. Collaboration & The “Get in Sync” Approach

[41:00-46:55]

• The Five C’s:

  • Self-Control, Compassion, Collaboration, Consistency, Celebration.

• Before talking, pause and listen: “Why am I talking now?” (WAIT)

• Use improvisational “yes, and” to validate and pivot toward solutions.

• Negotiate and brainstorm with your teen for better buy-in: “Be their ally,” reflect back what you hear.

• Collaborate: Present limited, meaningful choices; keep expectations grounded in the child’s reality, not in comparisons.

• Memorable Tip:

  "Better buy-in means improved success."
  — Dr. Sharon Saline [45:50]

8. Motivation, Incentives, and Screen Time

[46:56-49:56]

• Motivation for “no-fun” tasks is best sparked with interest-based incentives, choice, and clear, earned privileges.
• Screen time is a privilege, not a right; collaborate on rules, link bonus time to responsibility, and enforce clear, agreed-upon consequences.

9. Anxiety, Procrastination, and Growth Mindset

[49:57-51:01]

• Anxiety lowers motivation; tools include zooming out, imagining positive outcomes, and talking to oneself with distance self-talk (“you did your best, what can you do differently?”).
• Procrastination is not idleness – break tasks down, make work periods short and goal-specific.
• Encourage resilience and a growth mindset: Mistakes are opportunities to ask, “What could I do differently next time?”

Q&A Highlights

A. Encouraging Personal Responsibility

[52:37]

• Denial is a coping mechanism. Stick to facts, acknowledge your own part (“when you do this, I respond this way”), and open the conversation to your teen’s observations. Don’t make them feel cornered.

B. Handling Emotional Dysregulation and Consequences

[55:08]

• When melted down, separate for a timeout (for both of you). In calm moments, co-create a list of strategies for regulation, and ask your teen what they want you to do if they refuse those strategies.
• Boundaries and limits remain important, even in the face of rejection-sensitive dysphoria. Renegotiation happens only later, after everyone is calm.

C. Brainstorming Logical Consequences

[58:17]

• Natural vs. Logical consequences:
  • Logical consequences are directly tied to incidents (e.g. lose out on social outings if caught breaking rules; help pay or fix damages if you misuse the car).
• Privileges need to be earned – don’t confuse them with entitlements.

Notable Quotes & Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |------------|------------------------|---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:23 | Dr. Sharon Saline | "We'll learn some tools and techniques you can use right away..." | | 10:40 | Dr. Sharon Saline | "The prefrontal cortex... develops more slowly in kids with ADHD – up to three years."| | 21:12 | Dr. Sharon Saline | "When we punish defiance, we make it worse." | | 29:45 | Dr. Sharon Saline | "You earn trust." | | 34:15 | Dr. Sharon Saline | "If you say, 'I want you to call me...and then berate them,' they're not going to tell you anymore."| | 45:50 | Dr. Sharon Saline | "Better buy-in means improved success." | | 41:00 | Kayla, age 17 | "It's like being a volcano that's ready to explode at all times." | | 52:37 | Dr. Sharon Saline | "Stick with the facts, ma'am... What are you observing?" |

Practical Takeaways

• Logical consequences over punishments; tie results to actions and agreements in advance.
• Model self-compassion and acceptance; share your own struggles where appropriate.
• Build buy-in through co-created agreements and choices.
• Pause and listen before reacting – ask yourself, “Why am I talking now?”
• Regulation is teachable – help teens identify signs of overwhelm and strategies for calming.
• Mistakes are growth opportunities. Recovery, reconciliation, and renegotiation are part of the journey.

Resources & Further Learning

• Dr. Saline offers parenting groups and resources on her website (drsharonsaline.com).
• Free downloadable guides on the “In Sync” method are available via QR code or link shared during the webinar.
• Parents are invited to explore additional articles and webinars at attitudemag.com.

This summary provides a detailed walkthrough of Dr. Sharon Saline’s compassionate, practical, and evidence-based guidance for parents struggling with oppositionality in neurodivergent teens.