← ADHD for Smart Ass Women with Tracy Otsuka
ADHD for Smart Ass Women with Tracy Otsuka
EP. 373: Stories We Tell Ourselves (And About Each Other)
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Before we start, a quick note. If you've been listening to this podcast and thinking, I need more than insight, I need support. This is for you. Your ADHD brain is not broken. It just never came with a map. That is why I created your ADHD Brain is a okay Academy. It's my patented step by step framework to help you build a life. And that finally fits how your brain works. Ready to get started? Click the link in the show notes to sign up or book a free discovery call with me now. On with the show. Richard Branson, Michael Phelps, Justin Timberlake, James Carville. Wait a minute. Where are the women? Greta Gerwig, Lisa Ling, Audra McDonald, Simone Biles. That sounds like a list of highly successful titans in a variety of industries. They all have adhd, but you don't hear much about that now, do you? You know what else you don't hear about are the 43% of people with ADHD who are in excellent mental health. Why aren't we talking about them and what they are doing? I'm your host, Tracy Adsuka, and that's exactly what we do here. I'm a lawyer, not a doctor, a lifelong student, and now the author of my new book, ADHD for Smartass Women. I'm also a certified ADHD coach. And the creator of youf ADHD Brain is aok, a patented system that helps ADHD women just like you get unstuck and fall in love with their brilliant brains. Here we embrace our too muchness and we focus on our strengths. My guests and I credit our ADHD for some of our greatest gifts. And to those who still think they're too much, too impulsive, too scattered, too disorganized, I say no one ever made a difference by being too little. Hi, I'm Tracy Otsuka. Welcome to ADHD for Smartass Women. This is where we challenge the old narratives about ADHD and we replace them with something more accurate and a lot more inspiring. So today's episode is a solo one. I am in a T shirt, and once I am done here, I'm going to pack up this backdrop. Movers are coming on Friday. That's in two days. And I just had my eyes dilated because I had an eye exam, so I can barely see. I didn't plan this well. This is also the last episode that I will ever record from my home. Well, technically, it's not even ours anymore. Bullfrog Farms. Yes, my home has a name and she's a she. And if you've been listening, you know we sold her at the beginning of the year, the buyers were generous enough to let us rent her back for 45 days. Actually, we didn't rent her back. We just got to stay. And so my husband and I thought, oh, that's plenty of time. We'll be able to find something, you know, as far as where we're going to move to next. So Bullfrog Farms is six and a half acres in the country. She's magical and she's quiet and she's big. Too big. Too much work for two people and two ridiculous little dogs. And so my husband and I thought, what would be the most opposite lifestyle possible? Because if I tried to move into any old home, I'm going to be disappointed, right? Because it's not Bullfrog Farms. So we thought, let's move into a high rise in San Francisco. Yeah, acreage to maybe not even a patio. But look, no roofs to fix, no acreage to maintain, no well pumps going out. Just espresso and walkability, because that was one of our main criteria. We wouldn't have to drive anywhere. We could walk everywhere. Would we love it? Would we hate it? I don't know. But we've never done it, so we won't know unless we try. But here's what we did. Not factor in the crazy San Francisco real estate market fueled by AI. But the most important thing, apparently you can have only one dog in a high rise building. 2. Absolutely not. There are three buildings that we loved. Three HOAs denied us because we have two little dogs, Teddy and Mo. And I've had people say to me, well, why don't you just relocate one of them or rehome one of them? I'm like, that would be like giving one of my children away. I can't do that. And I get the ridiculousness of we are now choosing our next living situation based on our two dogs. Right? I mean, who knew that living in one of the most dog friendly cities in America would become impossible when you want to live in a high rise? So we're going on Friday into temporary corporate housing in a neighborhood we don't want to live in because it's the only place that would allow two dogs. Even corporate housing has been a problem. And so of course, I could feel something happening in my brain. And it started subtly, you know, oh, this is really inconvenient. Then it escalated. There's nothing available. And then it accelerated. We're going to get priced out. There's way too much AI money chasing far too few properties. And by midweek, we're basically going to be homeless. Which is impressive, right? From high rise city living to homelessness in three days. And by the way, if anyone listening lives in a high rise in a reasonably sunny part of San Francisco that allows two small dogs and isn't in the middle of AI Central, I don't want to live south of Market. I want to be able to walk everywhere. Would you please call me? I am not joking. At this point I would happily wait for the right building if I knew there actually was one that would allow and accommodate two dogs. Because right now it feels like there isn't such an animal. And of course that feeling only intensified when we walked into the third building that we wanted to write an offer on. I didn't actually start loving this building when we started the search several months ago. I had all these requirements, you know, what was acceptable, what was not acceptable. And now I've just gotten to the point where can we just have two dogs, please? So anyway, I walk into this building to ask an employee of the building if she's ever seen a resident with two dogs because we wanted to write an offer, but we didn't know if they would allow two dogs. And she points me to a gentleman. I don't know what his name is. I don't frankly ever want to know what his name is. And she tells me she can't help me, but this guy over here can help me because he's a board member. And I think, oh my God, how fortunate we are that a board member was down in the lobby and can answer our question. But then I think, okay, it's 4:30 in the afternoon and he's sitting there in the lobby by himself, just looking around, nothing to do, nowhere to go. And he looks really dour and extremely unpleasant, just all out miserable. If he could have run, I think he would have. He did not want to talk to me and I kind of felt like I was ruining his afternoon. So, as nice as I can possibly be, I explain our situation. We'd like to write an offer on a condo in this building, but I just want to confirm the two small dogs would be allowed. And he looks me up and down and, and with this grin on this face, says one word, no. My husband is behind me and he asks, well, are there any exceptions? No. And the way he says it makes it very clear we are not continuing this conversation. And he loves the power of being able to say no. So we walk out dejected, but also thinking, do we even belong somewhere that someone like that gets to decide how we live. I mean, this was the third time we were told no. And that's when it hit me. I wasn't just looking for a place to call home. I was also building a story. A story that this was happening to me. A story that the market was against me and we were going to get priced out. A story that AI was ruining everything and we were not part of it. A story that we'd made a mistake, story that we should have never left Bullfrog Farms. So I call my daughter and I tell her all these stories, and this is what she says to me. Mom, you literally teach this. Isn't this the part where you tell people to trust the process? Because this isn't happening to them, it's happening for them. And although you can't quite see it now, there's a reason you're not getting what you want. And the reason is because there's something better right around the corner. And I just stared at her. We're on FaceTime. And then I laughed out of the mouth of babes. Because she was right. I wasn't observing reality. I was narrating catastrophe. And that's when I thought about the egrets on our New Year's podcast. I told you that in the 25 years we've lived here, I've seen a few egrets. Never consistently, but I would see one every couple of months. You know, they're solitary birds, so maybe once or twice I'd seen two, but never more than that. Then two months ago, while we were in the middle of negotiating the sale of our home, three great white egrets, they all come swooping in at the same time. And I just felt like this is a sign. Or maybe I just needed a sign at the time because it was emotional, Right? And I still felt angst around making this decision. I mean, I think of Bullfrog Farms as a person, almost like one of my children. Or maybe it's more like I feel like she's the matriarch of our family. So I get on chat and I look it up. What is the significance of seeing three great white egrets come gliding onto our pond? And I'm half Japanese, and so I knew that there is a lot of symbolism in egrets. In Japanese culture, the great white egret represents transition and timing. It's known for standing still for long stretches, like waiting for fish, Right? And then it moves only when it's time. So when three of them showed up while we were negotiating the sale, it didn't Feel random to me. And in japanese folklore, three often symbolizes completion, and that's what it felt like. Not urgency, not loss, just, you're finished. Like, we'd done what we came here to do, and nothing was cut short. And there was something calming about that. Like, okay, we're done here. We can move on. It's time that another deserving family Got to experience the magic of living here at bullfrog farms. Since that moment, giant white egrets, but also a few gray ones, have been all over the property. One day, I spotted five all at the same time around this acre and a half pond. So at this point, I felt like they were literally screaming at us, enough already. Just, you know, so this is just me telling myself another story, all these little stories, right? And so, of course, there are egrets everywhere. So it's the beginning of January, and my daughter was still home from school. Here's another story, right? And so we spot this little white egret next to one of the big. They call them the great white egrets. And we're like, oh, my gosh, it's a baby. For a few days, every time we look out the window, there the two of them are together. My daughter and I name the little baby ygrette baby boy. Then one day, I see him down at the dock by himself. I don't see his mom anywhere, not for that day, not the next day. But my daughter and I, we keep looking for her, and we see baby boy, and he's standing on the dock, and he's waiting for lornleigh for his mama, and she doesn't show up. And at one point, we see this big gray aigrette swoop down on him on the dock. This gray aigrette chases baby boy away. And you know how fast our brains move, right? One observation turns into this narrative before we even realize it. So baby boy is being bullied. We literally talk about calling the California department of fish and wildlife. We're distraught. How is baby boy going to eat? Who's going to protect him? We don't even know if it's a boy. Where is his mother? Baby boy has been abandoned. So we watch for another day, and then we go back to chat, right? We look into chat and ask about egrets and babies and all of that. And we learn that egrets don't do long goodbyes. Once the babies can fly, the parents are basically gone, and this can be as early as 10 to 12 weeks. Well, that's all we needed. Now, we had a storyline and everything started fitting. If baby boy stood alone, he'd been left. If he wandered, he was searching. When a gray aigrette chased him, he was being bullied. We had even talked about calling fish and game. Remember? We were completely certain. This went on for a couple of days. And then one morning, I look out at the pond and baby boy is standing there with his mother. I call my daughter, we are over the moon. And that's when I say, hey, take a photo of them together and feed it into chat. Because by now, chat knew all about baby boy, right? This is how chat responds. This is not a baby egrette. It is not even the same species. It's a snowy egrette. They're just much smaller than a great white egrette. I'm not kidding you. We're like, what do you mean? It looks just like the mother. We didn't believe it. So we're arguing with Chad and Chad says, great white aigrettes have yellow bills, black legs and black feet. Snowy aigrettes have black bills, black legs and yellow feet. We just started laughing, like really laughing, because we had built this whole entire emotional arc around something that was completely untrue. We had a character, we had a problem, we had a rescue fantasy, but none of it existed. And because the universe has such a sense of humor, one day a large white egret landed right next to the little one and immediately we thought, oh, that must be the mom. Of course we did. Once you have a story, everything fits into it, right? Just two different species sharing space. We had been absolutely certain and absolutely wrong. I have laughed at that moment so much over the last month because it's such a perfect example of what our brains do. ADHD brains are brains. We hate uncertainty. So we create meaning. We fill in blanks. We build narratives that somehow feel coherent and they feel comforting. And then life handed me another example, another story I'm going to share with you. But this one was not dressed as lovingly as baby bird. Look, I don't think I've ever received an actual hate email in the seven years I that I've been in this space. But I guess there's a first time for everything. So I received an email right around the baby bird time that I'm going to read you. I'm not going to tell you who it's from, although I wish I could. I don't know her. It starts like this. I am a 64 year old woman with ADHD. I was diagnosed when I was 36. By the then President of the American Psychiatric Association. I checked all the boxes. So much so he actually laughed out loud when I answered the questions because I nailed every single one. This is why I object to your checklist. We have a checklist that is available on our Aokmind app, which you can download anywhere you download your apps. And the checklist was actually built from the DSM 5 as well as with the help of several experts in the ADHD space with the help of their work. First things first. You're not a psychiatrist and you're not in a position to give anybody pointers on how to get diagnosed or what their symptoms are. No one outside of a psychiatrist is. And no one would egg on a patient to try and get a specific diagnosis out of a doctor. That's borderline criminal. You don't have qualifications to give a differential diagnosis and that is what is required. Because there could be comorbidities along with adhd. Other symptoms they may have could go unnoticed if they took your advice and tried to mold themselves to your stupid checklist. It's damn dangerous to goad on people so they conform to some sort of ADHD diagnoses and they can perform it in a shrink's office. You don't rehearse before you go into a shrink for a diagnosis. A proper diagnosis is not a larp. Furthermore, criterion that you claim indicates inability to pay attention to detail, for instance, is utter bullshit. They are not diagnostic criterion. It is shit you made up and pulled out of thin air. I have definite impairment with executive functioning, plus the fact I'm also dyslexic. But I can pass that section of your stupid checklist. In other words, any damn person could say they are adhd. A very negative outcome. Because you should know as well as anyone that it's the last thing people with ADHD need everybody identifying with it. You are not helping. You're hurting with that fucking checklist. Get it off the Internet and don't allow your readers to use it. No responsible psychiatrist will put people on medication. But a lot of bullshit practitioners exist and you're just part of the problem. When I finished reading it. Let's pause here. Have you spent your whole life being told your way is the wrong way? If you try to use systems designed for a neurotypical brain, of course you'll feel like you're failing. But here's the truth. You were never the problem. You just have a different brain, which means you need different systems. That is exactly why I created the AOK Academy and it's my six step patented framework designed to help you reconnect with your intuition and build systems based on your unique strengths. Let me help you reconnect with your intuition, trust yourself again, and build a life that actually works for you. You've had the answers all along. I'll help you see them. Look, it's time to stop second guessing and start trusting yourself again. Find the link in the show Notes to sign up or book a free discovery call. Now let's get back to it. Surprisingly, I felt nothing. No pit in my stomach. There was no defensiveness. There was no urge to prove anything. Just clarity. And I think that is because I'm real clear on who I am and who I'm not. I know what I do. I know why I do it. I know the women I've helped. I know the impact. So someone telling a very certain story about me that wasn't true. It didn't shake me. Instead, I responded and here's what I wrote. Dear 64 year old woman with ADHD, I read your email carefully. While I strongly disagree with your conclusions, you attacked my credibility, so I will respond directly. Millions of women have downloaded my podcast because it finally gave language to an experience they'd been blamed and shamed for their entire lives. Psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists regularly recommend my book and podcast to their patients. It was named one of the top 20 nonfiction books of 2024. Dr. Edward Hallowell wrote the foreword to this book. He is widely regarded as the preeminent expert on adhd. Over the past decade, I've worked with thousands of women with adhd. And yes, there are dozens who have told me plainly that my work stopped them from ending their lives. To me, that's maybe the most important reason that I continue this work. I am not a psychiatrist. I've never claimed to be. I do not diagnose, prescribe, or provide differential diagnoses. What I do have is scale, lived experience, and the kind of pattern recognition ADHD women are often exceptionally good at. In a field where women were ignored for decades, that matters. The resources I create are not diagnostic tools or scripts. They exist because women are still being told they don't look like they have ADHD and sent away without answers. Anyone seeking diagnoses or medication is directed to qualified clinicians. Always. You're free to disagree with my approach. What you're not entitled to do is to dismiss the impact of work you don't understand. I'll end with this. I've spent my life building women up, helping them see who they are, making them feel cared for, daring them to live to their potential. For some women, I've been the first person who truly saw them. That responsibility matters deeply to me. It's worked. I wake up every day knowing I've made a difference and that I am loved. I have two remarkable adult children who are kind, confident, and unafraid to go after what they truly want. I should have mentioned they also have adhd. I have a husband who supports me fully, friendships I cherish, a career I'm deeply proud of, and a couple of ridiculous little dogs who bring me joy every day. Except not right now. Every time I look at them, I'm thinking, you are running my life. But I love them. I don't say any of this to impress you. I say it because it's the life I've built by choosing connection, curiosity, and generosity over anger. Every woman with an ADHD brain I've ever met is brilliant. I've had the privilege of seeing that up close again and again. I know you are no exception. I genuinely wish you love, happiness, and a sense of purpose. I know after having worked with thousands of women that it's a much easier, dare I say, more joyful way to live. Best wishes, Tracy. If you've been following my podcast for a while, you might know that Reddit hates me. Somewhere along the line, it's been decided there that I'm against medication and I think ADHD is a superpower. I am 100% not against medication, and I do not believe ADHD is a superpower, but I do believe that there are certain qualities and traits that the ADHD brain has that can be considered superpowers. But if you gave me the choice to have all that brilliance and none of the executive function challenges. Are you kidding me? Of course I would take you up on that. So, on Reddit, I've been called ableist. So, in short, I don't go to Reddit or anywhere, frankly, to read comments about myself, because they can ruin my day. So I was thinking about this woman's email and what's. And read it. And what's interesting is that on the surface, it's basically the same thing, right? Someone telling a story about me. One woman sends an email and she is absolutely certain about who I am and what I'm doing wrong. Someone on Reddit writes something snarky and they're absolutely certain too. So it's the same basic situation. A person making meaning about me, but my nervous system, for some reason doesn't experience it the same way. And that fascinates me. Because it's not just about private versus public. The email was private. Yes, it's more than that. The email was contained. It was between two people. I could respond. There was a beginning and an end. So it had edges, right. I didn't feel like it was spreading. A public comment, however, feels different to me. It's exposed, it's out there. I don't know who's reading it, and I can't control how it's interpreted at all. There's no closure. And that's when I realized something. It's not the story itself. It's whether I have a voice in it. When someone emails me, I can respond, I can clarify, I can close that loop. I have agency. When something is said publicly, though, and I can't respond or it doesn't feel appropriate to respond, my nervous system reacts. Not because I doubt who I am, but because I can't respond. And that is really different. And so I thought about the aigrette again. Just like we told a story about Baby Boy, just like I told a story about the three egrets when we were selling this house, right? That they were basically giving me permission to. To move on because my time was complete and it was done well. Just like I told the story about San Francisco, about hoas and AI money and being priced out and possibly ending up homeless or living in my car. I guess that would be homeless too. Just like this woman who told a story about me. We are constantly making meaning. And some of these stories calm us, some of them scare us, some of them feel protective. And a lot of them, most of them, they're just flat out wrong. And so here's the line that I keep coming back to. Just because someone sounds certain doesn't mean they're seeing clearly. I mean, we do this with other people, we do this with situations. And maybe most powerfully, we do this with ourselves. We are the ones who decide I'm not capable or they're judging me or this won't work. I am never going to find a home in a high rise in San Francisco with two dogs. And then what do our brains do? They go to work gathering evidence to prove us right. What if we paused? What if we asked, is this data or is this just a story? What else might be true? Because when you know who you are, you don't have to argue with every story. We are all storytellers, especially those of us with ADHD brains. In fact, I would suggest, or in fact, I would offer those of us with ADHD brains, we are all storytellers. Okay, I'm going to move. I'm going to see you on the other end in a high rise in San Francisco. Or maybe there'll be something even better. This is what I've got for you for this week. If this episode resonated, do me a favor and leave a review for the woman who hasn't found us yet. We we are changing the conversation around ADHD one smartass woman at a time. Thank you so much for being here and I will see you next week. You've been listening to the ADHD for Smartass Women podcast. I'm your host, Tracy Otsuka. Join us at adhdforsmartwomen.com where you can find more information on my new book, ADHD for Smartass Women and my patent patented your ADHD brain is a okay system to help you get unstuck and fall in love with your brilliant brain. Let's pause here. Have you spent your whole life being told your way is the wrong way? If you try to use systems designed for a neurotypical brain, of course you'll feel like you're failing. But here's the truth. You were never the problem. You just have a different brain. Which means you need different systems. That is exactly why I created the A OK Academy. It's my six step patented framework designed to help you reconnect with your intuition and build systems based on your unique strengths. Let me help you reconnect with your intuition, trust yourself again, and build a life that actually works for you. You've had the answers all along. I'll help you see them. Look, it's time to stop second guessing and start trusting yourself again. Find the link in the show notes to sign up or book a free discovery call. Now let's get back to it.