← ADHD for Smart Ass Women with Tracy Otsuka
Loading summary
Transcript50 lines
- [00:00]
Tracy Otsuka
Before we start, a quick note.
- [00:02]
If you've been listening to this podcast
- [00:05]
and thinking, I need more than insight, I need support.
- [00:09]
This is for you.
- [00:11]
Your ADHD brain is not broken. It just never came with a map.
- [00:17]
That is why I created your ADHD
- [00:20]
Brain is a okay Academy. It's my patented step by step framework to help you build a life. And that finally fits how your brain works.
- [00:30]
Ready to get started?
- [00:32]
Click the link in the show notes to sign up or book a free discovery call with me now.
- [00:38]
On with the show.
- [00:46]
Richard Branson, Michael Phelps, Justin Timberlake, James Carville. Wait a minute.
- [00:55]
Where are the women?
- [00:58]
Greta Gerwig, Lisa Ling, Audra McDonald, Simone Biles. That sounds like a list of highly successful titans in a variety of industries.
- [01:10]
They all have adhd, but you don't
- [01:13]
hear much about that now, do you?
- [01:15]
You know what else you don't hear
- [01:16]
about are the 43% of people with ADHD who are in excellent mental health.
- [01:23]
Why aren't we talking about them and what they are doing?
- [01:27]
I'm your host, Tracy Adsuka, and that's
- [01:29]
exactly what we do here.
- [01:31]
I'm a lawyer, not a doctor, a lifelong student, and now the author of my new book, ADHD for Smartass Women. I'm also a certified ADHD coach. And the creator of youf ADHD Brain is aok, a patented system that helps ADHD women just like you get unstuck and fall in love with their brilliant brains. Here we embrace our too muchness, and we focus on our strengths. My guests and I credit our ADHD for some of our greatest gifts. And to those who still think they're
- [02:05]
too much, too impulsive, too scattered, too
- [02:08]
disorganized, I say no one ever made
- [02:12]
a difference by being too little. Hello, I am your host, Tracy Atsuka. Thank you so much for joining me for for another episode of ADHD for Smartass Women. My goal, well, you know, it. It's to show you who you are and inspire you to be it. So thank you so much for being here today. I am doing a solo episode and
- [02:40]
the plan is to do more of
- [02:41]
those since many of you have requested them on specific topics these last three months. They've been insane. If you've been following this housing saga of mine, you know, we sold our home in January. We moved at the end of February. We lived in very expensive corporate housing for a couple of months, and then we decided that the stress and uncertainty of not having someplace we can stay indefinitely, it just wasn't worth it. We were, like, moving from place to place. So we signed a lease in a high rise in the Civic center area of San Francisco. We are literally in a building with a bunch of 20 somethings, most of them in AI and tech, thank God. We love 20 somethings.
- [03:28]
We've got two of our own.
- [03:30]
We ended up having to go to this area though, because of our two docks. Couldn't find a building in the neighborhood we wanted to live in. That would take two docks either to rent or to buy. And so now we're back in the game, looking for another place. Right. I keep reminding myself that we are so lucky to have options is truly they're just first world problems. Right.
- [03:53]
And all the things that I teach,
- [03:55]
I'm having to use. But primarily I pay attention and I make sure that I'm seeing what is actually working for us. Because a lot of me is like, what the hell did we do? Why did we leave our home in Sonoma County? And I'm just too old for this, right? It just kind of makes me laugh that we thought, oh, we'll just move into San Francisco into a building. I mean, San Francisco is known to be a really dog friendly city. So honestly, I don't know what the hell happened, but this is where we are. So what are the lessons? Well, so far one of the things that I've learned is we really downsized. You know, I think we went from a 4,000 square foot home on six and a half acres to 750 square feet and no outdoor space whatsoever. But you know what? I really love it. And it's made me realize that I don't want a lot to take care of. I don't need it. My husband doesn't need it. Our dogs certainly don't need it. So our apartment right now is literally a one bedroom with a den. And the den is so small that we can fit in a full bed for our kids when they come visit. But that's about it. We were in two bedrooms. But when we looked at this building, all the two bedrooms looked out to other units and that depressed the hell out of me. Right. It's like in San Francisco, it's like New York City. Actually, it's not as bad as New York City, but the spaces are so small. And so where do people store things? Well, in these buildings a lot of people were storing things on their patios. They were storing things in their windows. Not what I would do, but you know, it's a decision they've made and so that's what we would look at. And that really bothered Me. So when we were looking for another two bedroom to rent, the rental agent said, look, I have a unit with a great view, but it's only a one bedroom and a den. And my thought was, well, what do we have to lose? Let's just go look at it. And I got to tell you, we are so much happier here. We're on a high floor, so we have a view overlooking City Hall. We poop and pee our dogs. I'm pointing to it right now, right across from the mayor's office. We saw him today, actually, when we were walking our dogs with his bodyguards. There's a beautiful park right at City hall, which reminds me a lot of Paris. They have the same kinds of trees that do well in cities that they have all over Paris. We have a view of, of the Opera House and the Symphony hall and this amazing northern view to the Golden Gate Bridge, Knob Hill, even the financial district. And it's all lit up at night. I love it. And I think it cost us a hundred dollars more than the two bedroom to be here. Even though we really don't have a two bedroom, we have this little tiny second den. So it taught me that my surroundings are, are way more important to me than space. Right. If we had a lot of options, I would have probably chosen a larger home and maybe I would have given up good views to get more space. Today, what I realize about myself is I'd much rather have nice views, looking out to things that are pretty, and
- [07:08]
a much, much, much, much, much smaller space.
- [07:11]
So I laugh when I think about this whole fiasco. I mean, moving to San Francisco, they said, right, with two little dogs, it'll be easy. And you know what's interesting is I have so many friends who've made this move. I have my friend Miriam, who wrote Artpreneur. She helps artists learn how to make money from their art. She moved from outside of New York City back into New York City with her husband. My friend Fran moved from. I think she was in New Jersey back to the city. My friend Lucia moved from Walnut Creek to San Francisco. And then I have another friend, Yasmin, who moved from Marin back to San Francisco, and she did it by herself. She's amazing. So I'm like, how hard could it be? All of these women did it, right? Well, yeah, it's funny, right? So at the end of last week, we wrote an offer on a building that. Well, it was a condo in a building that was going to take a ton of work, but it had killer views. And we didn't get it. We almost got it. And then I went back and tried to negotiate and someone swooped right in and took it away. It was all my fault. And I felt so bad about it. My poor husband. Everything about it would have been perfect, except it was so teeny, tiny, small. So I was upset about it, and my daughter sent me this text out of the mouth of babes, mom, if you want to be in the building, you're going to find a way to get into that building. You always do. And yes, I am using your crap against you. And I think this is kind of your opportunity to put your methods to the test. And I know it's really hard to stay positive, but remember, your thoughts control your feelings, your feelings control your actions, and your actions control your results. You've told me that so many times, I should know it by now, but I just know it's all going to work out. And if I'm the one that has
- [09:14]
to believe for the family, then that's okay. I can do that. And then she says, okay, I hope you're having a better night. I'm literally still studying and I'm miserable, but I'm going to hopefully be done soon. And then she's studying for the bar right now, the New York. And then I'm gonna watch Everybody Loves Raymond. I hope you're having a nice dinner. Love you. My kids love Everybody Loves Raymond. Their grandparents used to watch it, and then we kind of got hooked on it as a family and we. That and the Brady Bunch, these old, you know, sitcoms, I guess is what they're called. And so we bought the whole set. And, you know, they still, to this day, when they're. When they're down or they need to relax, they'll watch one of those shows.
- [10:00]
So, okay, today I want to talk about something I wish someone had explained to me years ago, because I think most ADHD women spend a good portion of their lives asking the wrong question. You know, the questions. Why can't I get myself to do that thing? Why can't I start? Why can't I stop scrolling? Why can't I answer that email or make that phone call? Or why can't I do the thing that I literally just spent an hour thinking about doing? So underneath that question is usually another one, right? What is wrong with me today? I want to offer you a different possibility. What if nothing is wrong with you? What if your brain has already made a prediction about how that task is going to feel before you've even started? And what if that Prediction is driving a lot more of your behavior than you realize. So one of the biggest mistakes that ADHD women make is assuming that because they know what to do, they should be able to do it. But you know what? Knowing and doing, it's not the same thing. If they were, none of us would procrastinate. Nobody would stay in unhealthy relationships. Nobody would eat things that make them feel terrible. Nobody would scroll Instagram for 45 minutes or TikTok when they have a deadline. We know, right? But we don't always do. So clearly something is happening, right? I have coached thousands of women with adhd, and you know that I've never met one who wasn't truly brilliant at something. But the same woman who can't answer an email can literally build a company. The same woman who can't start the laundry can spend six hours researching and learning about a high level topic that she's absolutely fascinated by. The same woman who forgets her dentist appointment can somehow organize an entire family vacation. Does that sound like laziness? Of course it doesn't. It sounds like a brain that comes online only under certain conditions. So the question becomes, okay, what are those conditions? Now, most of us think our brains work like this. Something happens, we think about it, we decide what to do, and then we do it. But that's not the whole story. The brain isn't just reacting. The brain is constantly predicting. It's asking what is about to happen. Is this safe?
- [12:44]
Is this rewarding?
- [12:45]
Is this uncomfortable? Is this uncertain? So let's make this practical. Let's say it's an email that you've been avoiding. On the surface, it's just an email. But if you ask, what does my brain think this means? The answer might be, this means that someone could disagree with me, or this means I could be criticized, or this means conflict. And I hate conflict. So now the email. It's not just an email anymore, right? Or maybe it's your budget. You know, you keep avoiding looking at it, right? You ask, what does my brain think this means? And maybe the answer is, it means I'm behind. I should have saved more. It means I've screwed things up. It means I'm not where I thought I'd be by now. So again, now the budget isn't a budget, it's shame. Or maybe it's finally working on that business that you've always wanted to start. So you ask yourself, what does my brain think this means?
- [13:51]
And.
- [13:51]
And the answer might mean if I fail, I'll be disappointed if I succeed, everything changes. People will expect more from me. So now, again, the business isn't just a business. It's vulnerability. And this is where things get really interesting. Because if the task isn't really the task anymore, then no amount of yelling at yourself is actually going to solve the problem, right? And sometimes the fastest way to break the spell is simply recognizing the spell, being aware of what is really going on with your brain. Now, I want you to compare that email, the budget, the business, to Instagram or TikTok. Okay, so Instagram and TikTok, they don't require vulnerability, right? They don't require uncertainty, they don't require any effort. Instagram and TikTok, they're actually highly predictable. And brains, our brains love predictable, especially when they're tired, especially when they're stressed or overwhelmed. So the brain is no longer choosing between email or your budget and Instagram or TikTok. It's choosing between predicted discomfort and. And predicted relief. That is a really different conversation. This is also where ADHD becomes important. Many ADHD women have years of accumulated evidence of how they're wrong, whether it's true or not. Criticism, correction, being told you're not living up to your potential, Starting things and not finishing them, and then beating yourself up, feeling behind, feeling different. So eventually the brain starts building predictions from those past experiences. The task that you're trying to get done stops being the task. Now it's what if I fail? What if I disappoint someone? What if I'm not good enough? That's a lot of negative emotion, right? So now the nervous system is involved, and now starting feels much harder than it actually should. So how do we break the spell? How do we get our brains online? Well, the more I learn, the more I wonder if many of the tools that help ADHD brains are actually doing something really similar. Think about it. Going for a walk, tapping, changing your environment, right? Looking out a window. Eye tracking exercises. The 25 minute challenge. I could do anything for 25 minutes. All you have to do, Tracy, is 25 minutes, and then you can stop. They all seem to be helping the brain predict a different experience. They're helping the task feel less overwhelming, less threatening, more doable. They're changing the information that the brain is using to make its prediction. And when the prediction changes, behavior often changes too. So let's start with one that I just talked about, the 25 minute challenge. The challenge is not magic. What it does is it lowers the perceived threat for us. We're no longer committing to writing the book, which is terrifying. That sounds terrifying, right? Answering all my emails or finishing the project. What we're committing to is just 25 minutes. And that feels really different because the brain is no longer predicting this is going to take forever. I can't do it right now. What it's predicting is I can probably survive 25 minutes. I've done it before. So now what I want to do is I want to give you some practical strategies to help you turn your brain on. First one I'm going to give you change your visual field. This is a simple one. When you feel overwhelmed and can't start, stand up, look out a window, look as far into the distance as you can and then I want you to slowly scan the horizon. Sounds simple, right? Why might this help? Because you're giving your brain different information than the thing it's been staring at while feeling stuck. The prediction can only be based on the information that it's receiving. So when you change the information, often you change the prediction.
- [18:33]
Let's pause here. Have you spent your whole life being
- [18:36]
told your way is the wrong way?
- [18:40]
If you try to use systems designed for a neurotypical brain, of course you'll feel like you're failing. But here's the truth. You were never the problem. You just have a different brain. Which means you need different systems. That is exactly why I created the A OK Academy. It's my six step patented framework designed to help you reconnect with your intuition and build systems based on your unique strengths. Let me help you reconnect with your intuition, trust yourself again and build a life that actually works for you. You've had the answers all along. I'll help you see them. Look, it's time to stop second guessing and start trusting yourself again. Find the link in the show notes to sign up or book a free discovery call.
- [19:35]
Now let's get back to it. One thing I've been really interested in lately is the connection between vision and the nervous system. Eye movements show up everywhere. Emdr, vision therapy, concussion recovery, tapping protocols. Right. And this has always made me wonder, why do so many completely different fields keep coming back to the eyes? I don't think we have all the answers yet, but what we do know is that vision is one of the primary ways that the brain gathers information about the world. It makes sense, right? We look out and we see something different. We see where we are, we see what's around us. We see whether or not we're safe. In other words, our eyes are constantly feeding information into our brain. So it Makes sense to me that when you change your visual focus, your tracking, or your eye position, that might actually influence how your brain responds. It might influence what the brain actually predicts. And if you've been listening to this episode, that's really the whole point, right? The brain is always making predictions. Predictions about what something means. Predictions about how hard something's going to be to do. Right? Predictions about whether it's safe or threatening or rewarding or boring or overwhelming. So when we deliberately change the information we're giving our brain, often we can change the prediction, too. And when the prediction changes, behavior often changes right along with it. Okay, what's another strategy to turn your brain on? Move your body. You've heard me talk about this before. Have you ever noticed that a task can feel absolutely impossible when you're sitting on the couch, and then somehow you convince yourself, okay, I need to get up. I need to go for a walk. And then halfway through the rock, you suddenly think, oh, my gosh, I know exactly what to do. I can do this. The task didn't change at all. You changed. You changed what your brain was paying attention to. You changed the information that it was receiving. And suddenly the task, it just doesn't feel so overwhelming. One of my favorite versions of this is walking without your phone. I do this at least twice every single day when I'm walking my dogs. I do not bring my phone. I leave my phone at home. No podcasts, no music, no scrolling. I might talk with my husband, but I'm just walking. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. This alternating left pattern, left, right pattern is sometimes called bilateral stimulation. It's one of the reasons walking often gets mentioned along things like EMDR and tapping. Simple, right? But sometimes simple is exactly what our brains need. We can make everything so complicated. There's so much. There's so much we're paying attention to. And sometimes, often it's about simplifying. Okay, what else works as far as getting our brains online? Helping us start. Do the thing, get curious, right? Instead of, I have to do this, try, I wonder what would happen if I worked on this for just 25 minutes. Or I wonder what's making this feel so hard. Curiosity. It feels really different from obligation. And, you know, our brains don't do well with obligation, right? Obligation. It feels heavy. Curiosity feels so much lighter. And lighter is always easier for an ADHD brain to approach. Here's another strategy. Become a detective. We know that often the task is not the problem, it's the prediction, right? So instead, ask yourself what does my brain think that this means? For example, I need to send the email. Then what? Well, they might not like it. Then what? Well, they might criticize me. Then what? I'll feel embarrassed now. You found the threat. The email wasn't the problem. The prediction was. Another tool a lot of ADHD women use is tapping. What interests me about tapping isn't positive thinking. It's that it interrupts the pattern. You're no longer sitting there thinking the same thoughts, feeling the same feelings, and telling yourself the same story. You're doing something different. You're shifting your attention. You're giving your brain new information. And when the information changes, the prediction can change too. I don't think tapping is magic. I think it may be another way of helping the brain get unstuck. When you're scrolling frozen, avoiding overthinking, ask yourself, what could I do right now to break the spell? Maybe it's looking out a window, taking a walk, tapping, changing rooms, setting a timer, getting curious. The goal, it's not motivation. The goal is helping your brain predict a different experience. But here's the plot twist. Let's say you get really good at bringing your brain online. Now what? What deserves your attention? What deserves your energy? What deserves your focus? Because ADHD women, well, we don't usually have too few options. We often have too many ideas, right? Too many interests, too many possibilities, too many mountains to climb. And one of the biggest risks isn't failing to get your brain online. It's getting your brain online and using all that focus to climb a mountain that you don't actually even care about. And maybe that's why this has become my life's work, because I don't actually believe ADHD is a productivity problem. I think a lot of ADHD women, we've just spent years trying to become more productive without ever stopping to ask. Productive doing what, for whom and why? Sometimes the problem isn't that you can't get yourself to do the thing. Sometimes the problem is that the thing doesn't fit who you are. The work doesn't fit, the environment doesn't fit, the expectations don't fit, the definition of success doesn't fit. And no amount of productivity hacks can solve a fit problem. I see this all the time. Women who are incredibly capable, incredibly driven, incredibly resourceful, but they're pouring all of that energy into building a life they don't actually want. Because getting things done and building a life that fits who you are are not the same thing. And sometimes the mountain is hard to climb because it's steep, but sometimes it's hard to climb because it's the wrong mountain. If you're realizing that you've spent years trying to force yourself into goals, careers, or expectations that don't actually fit who you are. That's exactly why I created your ADHD Brain is a okay or the Academy. Because before we worry about productivity, we need to understand who we are, what matters to us, and what kind of life we are actually trying to build. If you are interested in any of that, you can learn more@traciaoutsuka.com AOK so I want to close with One of the biggest mistakes ADHD women make is assuming that because they know what to do, they should be able to do it. But again, remember, knowing and doing, they're not the same thing. And maybe that's why so many smart women spend years fighting with themselves. They think they're fighting laziness or a lack of discipline or a lack of motivation, when they may actually be fighting a prediction their brain made long before they were consciously aware of it. What if the email isn't just an email? What if the budget isn't just a budget? What if the workout isn't just a workout? What if the task has become attached to fear, to judgment, to disappointment, to failure, to shame? Because if that's true, then we now know that the problem isn't that you don't know what to do. The problem is that your brain thinks doing it is going to feel worse than avoiding it. And that is a very different problem. So the next time you find yourself scrolling, frozen, overthinking, avoiding, or staring at the same task for them 15th time, maybe don't ask what's wrong with me. Try asking what does my brain think that this means? Because the task is not always the task. Sometimes the task is the story that your brain has attached to it. And sometimes you just need to break the spell. So that's what I have for you for today. I am your host, Tracy Otsuka. Thank you so much for being here for yet another episode of ADHD for Smartass Women. If this episode helped you see yourself a little more clearly, please take a moment to leave a review. It helps more women find this podcast so they too can see themselves more clearly. Thank you so much for listening and I'll see you here next week. You've been listening to the welcome to
- [29:38]
the ADHD for Smartass Women podcast. I'm your host, Tracey Outsuka. Join us at adhdforsmartwomen.com where you can find more information on my new book, ADHD for Smartass Women and my patented you'd ADHD brain is a okay system to help you get unstuck and fall
- [29:58]
in love with your brilliant brain.
- [30:07]
Let's pause here. Have you spent your whole life being
- [30:11]
told your way is the wrong way?
- [30:14]
If you try to use systems designed for a neurotypical brain, of course you'll
- [30:19]
feel like you're failing.
- [30:21]
But here's the truth. You were never the problem. You just have a different brain, which means you need different systems. That is exactly why I created the A OK Academy. It's my six step patented framework designed to help you reconnect with your intuition and build systems based on your unique strengths. Let me help you reconnect with your intuition, trust yourself again, and build a life that actually works for you. You've had the answers all along. I'll help you see them. Look, it's time to stop second guessing and start trusting yourself again. Find the link in the show notes to sign up or book a free discovery call.
- [31:09]
Now let's get back to it.