537 | Coaches Roundtable - Legacy and Bucket List Planning S36w7

Summary

Episode Summary: ADHD reWired 537 | Coaches Roundtable - Legacy and Bucket List Planning (S36w7)

Main Theme:
This episode of ADHD reWired brings together host Eric Tivers and coaches Brian Antler and Kristen Martz for Week 7 of the Coaches Roundtable series. The focus is on planning for the long term—legacy, mortality, and bucket list dreams. The coaches discuss why integrating these big, sometimes uncomfortable questions into ADHD planning is crucial for living an intentional, fulfilling life.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Talk About Legacy and Mortality? (02:29–06:25)

• Eric introduces Week 7 as "the Big Heart Week," highlighting its emotional depth.
• It's not enough to "plan better"; it's vital to "plan better things," stretching thinking beyond day-to-day tasks to life's big priorities.
• Brian explains that ADHD adults often focus on keeping up with everyday demands, which can crowd out dream-building or legacy-focused planning:

  “We tend to be, we try to be workaholics and try to be more productive... But where is the leftover energy to work on lifelong stuff, our dreams, our goals, our hopes?” (04:25, Brian)

• The group confronts procrastination by introducing the concept that “the infinite now” is a bias—time is finite, so we must act while we can.

Quote:

“It's kind of the ultimate why statement. We don't have an unlimited amount of time to get this stuff done.”
— Brian Antler (06:13)

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2. The Emotional Weight & Urgency of Facing Mortality (06:36–10:21)

• Eric uses storytelling to make the topic resonate, referencing his friend Tom Nardone, who faced a brain tumor:

  “We always think that that happens to other people... learn as if you’re going to live forever, but live as if you might die tomorrow. Because we don’t know.” (07:32–08:00)

• Recognizing life’s unpredictability as a motivator for not putting off personal dreams.
• The conversation acknowledges the challenge, especially when death, illness, or tragedy have touched group members—but emphasizes its importance:

  “How many people say on their deathbed they wish they would have worked more? None.” (08:43, Eric)

• Setting even one or two meaningful goals per year is attainable and can be life-changing.

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3. Practical Legacy Planning & Rediscovering Dreams (10:55–12:51)

• Kristen shares that practical to-dos (like writing wills for parents) initially surfaced, but members also recognized a need for "dreamier" goals.
• Many struggle to develop a bucket list, experiencing an “aha” moment on how they’d stopped dreaming:

  “One of the members was like, when the hell did I stop being a dreamer? Because they struggled with completing that list... but then was very excited that got that aha.” (11:53, Kristen)

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4. The Power of Bucket Lists: Action, Joy, and Identity (12:52–16:56)

• Celebrating when members return and have completed previous bucket list items—a sign that planning and follow-through are working.
• Brian recounts how the AIDS Life Cycle ride went from an aspirational dream to an annual accomplishment thanks to adding it to his bucket list:

  “I realized I’m not getting any younger, so I went for it. After season 22, I made it my goal, and now I’m going to be doing my third one next week.” (13:35)

• Eric relates the importance of fun and permission to dream (15:35):

  “It gives people also permission to listen to their inner almost child... these things that are playful and just fun.”

Quotes:

“The first step for planning something big is to schedule the time to plan the big thing.”
— Eric Tivers (15:35)

“Just because you put it on the list doesn’t mean you have to do it... Am I being able to do 100 things on my bucket list in my lifetime? Probably not. If I do half of them, if I do a quarter, I think I would say I lived a damn good life.”
— Eric Tivers (16:12)

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5. Flexibility, Surprise, and Kudoing Ourselves (16:56–18:17)

• Kristen encourages members to celebrate unexpected joys—retroactively adding "bonus" experiences to their bucket lists and giving themselves credit.

  “If it does something that falls in your lap, to recognize it and go, oh my gosh, if I’d known this was a thing, it had been on my bucket list, I’m adding it to it and putting that check.” (16:56, Kristen)

• Allowing for imaginative and even fantastical bucket list items, e.g., living to 100, space travel, astral projection.

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6. Playful Reflections and Memorable Stories (18:23–21:46)

• Eric shares a humorous story about accidentally booking a clothing-optional campsite, discovering joy and vulnerability in the unexpected:

  “Vulnerability is like such... I love vulnerability, to be able to have conversations with people who are just not wearing clothes. And it’s not sexual. It’s just like pure vulnerability. It was an amazing experience for me.” (20:44, Eric)

• Brian jokes:

  “Any campground can be a clothing optional campground if you want it to be.” (21:30)

• The episode has a light, supportive tone—even when topics are deep or challenging. Banter among coaches underscores a caring, connected ADHD community.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Brian Antler: “If we're just doing the drudge work and not doing any of that work [that brings joy], you know, we're gonna... It's gonna be a lot more difficult to lead a whole, healthy, fully engaged life.” (05:54)
• Eric Tivers: “We really try to give members that hope and that courage and that confidence that I actually can start planning a more intentional life with these longer term goals, these longer term dreams and start actually making them a reality.” (09:58)
• Kristen Martz: “When the hell did I stop being a dreamer?” (11:54)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 02:29 — Why legacy and mortality are part of ADHD coaching groups
• 04:25–05:54 — The danger of becoming productivity-focused at the expense of meaningful living
• 06:36–08:45 — Facing mortality to create urgency and intentionality in planning
• 10:55–12:51 — Practical legacy actions & rediscovering lost dreams
• 13:26–14:51 — Real-life transformation: Brian’s AIDS Life Cycle ride goal
• 15:35–16:56 — Planning big goals; the joy and flexibility of bucket lists
• 16:56–18:17 — “Kudoing” ourselves and celebrating unexpected adventures
• 20:44–21:46 — Eric’s clothing-optional camping story: surprise, vulnerability, and growth

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Takeaways

• Embracing legacy and mortality in planning pushes us to prioritize what truly matters.
• Bucket lists aren’t just aspirational—they are practical, flexible, and living tools for joy.
• ADHD adults may need structured reminders to nurture dreams, not just to-do lists.
• Sharing dreams and vulnerable moments fosters connection and celebrates neurodiversity.

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Final Thoughts

The episode balances deep reflection with playfulness, reminding listeners that long-term planning is both urgent and joyful. Bucket lists offer a way to reclaim lost dreams, break out of productivity traps, and make life with ADHD richer, more intentional, and more meaningfully connected.

Transcript

[A]

Hey it's Eric. Before we get started, I wanted to remind you of a free neurodivergent Pride Month panel that I will be a part of, hosted by ADHD Rewired and Shimmer. It's this Thursday, June 13th at 1:30pm Pacific, 4:30 Eastern. Join us to hear some diverse and neurodivergent queer perspectives. You can ask us questions. It's going to be fabulous and it's free. And if you can't make it, I'm told that as long as you sign up, you'll get the recording sent to you.

[B]

All are welcome.

[A]

Go to ADHD Rewired.com Pride2024 that's ADHD Rewired.com Pride20 24 and our next coaching group registration event is on Friday the 14th at 11am Pacific 2pm Eastern. I'll have more info at the very end of today's Coaches Roundtable, but you can go now to coachingrewired.com to learn more and to add your name to the interest list so you can start pre registering. That's coach searching rewired.com okay, let's get on with it. ADHD Rewired Episode 537 Since 2014 this has been the podcast for ADHD adults who have really good intentions and a slightly wandering attention.

[B]

I'm Eric Tivers.

[A]

I'm a licensed clinical Social worker and an ADHD Certified Clinical Services provider by training and a coach by design. I'm your host and I have adhd. ADHD Rewired is more than just a podcast. You can learn about our coaching and accountability groups, our virtual co working community and more all@adhd rewired.com we are wired for connection and you are not alone. Learn more about our offerings, including our monthly live Q&As. Get additional resources for every episode including links to any resources we mention on today's show. You can support us on Patreon, sign up for our email newsletter and more, [e-mail] and if this is your first time listening, welcome. Don't forget to hit, subscribe or follow on your podcast app so you never miss an episode. We know that starting is the hardest part, so let's get started. Welcome back another episode of ADHD Rewired. We are back here once again for.

[B]

Week seven of our Coaches Roundtable series where I am talking with Coach Kristen Martz and Coach Brian Antler and we.

[A]

Are kind of going through week by.

[B]

Week talking about what we actually talk about in our coaching groups and and week Seven is, I call it like the Big Heart Week because it is, you know, we are looking at, you know, some really, really tough issues and some tough questions. You know, it's one of the things I always tell people in group is that like, I am not just interested in helping you get better at planning, but I am interested in helping you plan better things. And by doing that, we're talking about expanding our time horizon, often in a, in a much, much longer way than people often ever have. So. And we do that by looking at things like those, those nagging thoughts that like, oh, one day I want to do this, one day I want to do that. Right. But like, if we're not careful, one day is going to come and go and we're not going to have that opportunity to do the thing that really matters to us. So, Kristen and Brian, let's, let's chat about what was it like in your groups talking about sort of legacy and our ultimate deadlines?

[C]

Well, it was a real hoot. People just love talking about their mortality. Eric, we just laughed and laughed. Is that a real question? No, of course it's a somber topic. You know, it's a somber topic and I see some confusion. I always make sure I direct folks to pre read the materials the week before so it doesn't sneak up on them. And people are sometimes like a little, I see reticence where people are not sure, like why are we talking about this topic? And the way I like to frame it similarly to the way you just described is that, you know, we're putting all this time and effort into improving our ability to plan things and to be more efficacious and get more things done, be more productive. But let's make sure all that energy and all that with all this work we're doing to do more stuff is going to the right stuff, going to the stuff that we, that matters to us. We've mentioned, I've mentioned time and time again. We tend to be, we try to be workaholics and try to be more productive and work, work twice as hard to feel like we're keeping up with neurotypical folks. And that really lends it to the idea of that like, oh, we're trying to keep up at work, we're trying to keep up with home. We're trying to keep up all that stuff. We feel overwhelmed with that. But where is the leftover energy to work on lifelong stuff where on our dreams, our goals, our hopes and without, without the dopamine burst we get from, from working on Stuff that's genuinely joyful and generally feels like our purpose and genuinely, genuinely elevates us em emotionally and spiritually. If we're just doing the drudge work and not doing any of that work, you know, we're gonna. It's gonna be a lot more difficult to leave a whole healthy, fully engaged life if we're just going through the motions. So that's why I. We go through this idea. People sometimes don't grasp it and sometimes have a little bit time explaining it. But then when they catch on, they really catch on. They really see that like, oh, this is why it's important. This is why if I, you know, we don't have the. We all like ADHD folks tend to have this sense of the bias to the now. We seem to feel like the moment that we're in now is like this infinite now stretching out in every direction behind us and forward us. But we really don't have the infinite now. So it's makes it. We're making it putting everything in the context of time to make it a little bit more difficult to procrastinate on getting this stuff done because we don't have forever to get it done. It's kind of the ultimate why statement. We don't have an unlimited amount of time to get this stuff done. So. So let's make it sure it's. If we're gonna. Before we move into our monthly and yearly planning seminar next week, let's stress the importance of making sure these type of things are included in our planning priorities on the equal footing with things we do for our career and things we do for education and for other people and, you know, co workers and whatnot. So there the end.

[B]

I just have to say I love highly caffeinated Brian.

[C]

Get this backpack. They're going on this vacation.

[B]

So one of the things that in my sessions I do some storytelling to give sort of context and to give this emotional resonance for the stuff because it's not an easy topic. And I think it is important to get to the heart when you're thinking about things like our mortality or. I share the story about my. My friend Tom Nardone, who has been on the podcast years ago and where when he was going through he learned that he had a brain tumor. And we was talking about, you know, how there was like the day before he had his first biopsy. He was like pretty scared about the surgery. And one of the things he said it so resonated was this idea that like when we hear about other. When we hear of people getting cancer. We hear of people, you know, being.

[A]

In a bad car accident or it's.

[B]

Something that's just like, you know, you don't expect these things. We always think that that happens to other people. And I think it's so important that we recognize and sort of live life, you know, with this idea of like, learn as if you're going to live forever, but live as if you might die tomorrow. Because we, we don't know and all those, like, obviously we don't want the bad things to happen to us, we want to live a long life. But I think that, to recognize that like, you know, shit does happen and being sort of humbled by the sometimes the cruel realities of the world that shit happens, it makes, it creates a sense of urgency. Then that's this one day thing that so many of us sort of struggle with. See, I'll get to this one day when I have more time, when this, when that, when one day might never come if you don't take it by the horns and actually start like doing things to make it happen. And I just think it's such an important thing that we really learn to sort of create boundaries around and carve out time to do the things that we are longing for, to do the things that we love to do that matter. Because you know, how many people say.

[A]

On their deathbed they wish they would have worked more?

[B]

None. You know, and for some of our members this is a hard conversation, especially if death or illness has been or something into their family's immediate sort of story. And I think that even with that, I think it's, it's that much more important to even lean into the best that, that you can to these kinds of things. Because it's, you know, one of the things I like to share is that if, if I would have had a crystal ball given to me 10, 15 years ago and somewhere said this is where, this is what you would have done in the next 10 to 15 years. I would have been like this thing is BS like that's not real, right? And so it's like we can get so caught up in the day to day busyness that we sort of lose sight that like if we identify one or two things that are really, really important that we want to do each year, it's so doable. It's so doable. And so we really try to give members that hope and that courage and that confidence that I actually can start planning a more intentional life with these longer term goals, these longer term dreams and start actually Making them a reality. So in this week, we talk about our legacy and then we also talk about our bucket lists and. Which is one of my favorite parts of group because it's so I. I find that we get to know our members in such a unique way when we share our bucket lists with each other. So, Kristen, I don't think we've heard from you yet from this session. What kinds of things have you found resonated most with members? What has been a struggle for members?

[D]

Two things come up. One for each part of a day.

[A]

Yeah, I just want to jump in really quick while editing this.

[B]

A day.

[A]

So we do A day, B day, and C day. Because we used to only do group on Monday, Wednesday, Friday. That was easy when we started to.

[B]

Create multiple schedules that some were Monday.

[A]

Wednesday, Thursday, Monday, Thursday. Anyways, we have different permutations of group schedules. So a day refers to the first.

[B]

Day of the week, B day the second, C day, the third. Okay, back to our conversation.

[D]

Two things come up, one for each part of a day. Is that one of the things that has tended to be a pattern in any case is not just the things coming up through those journal prompts of what they want to do that they have a passion for before their life ends. What are some of the practical things that they realize, like if they have children, they want to have a will and where those kids. And it really kind of shocks them into, oh, I do need to plan that I might not have a choice. I might not have a say in it if I don't. And so there's. I've even seen an admin go through who talked with the group, redid the. The whole practice said the first time it was all these practical things and started putting them into goals and plans and tasks. And this time when the person went through it, the person shared that, oh, this is more dreamy, you know, more things I want to do that would, you know, fulfill me kind of things. This season, I was usually, to me, the bucket list is like this palate cleanser, like you said, and getting to know the members. And this was the. Maybe the. The first time I heard a real aha around it. One of the members was like, when the hell did I stop being a dreamer? Because they struggled with completing that list and but knew all the things they had wanted to do 10 years ago and went, whoa, what's going oh. And was excited. You know, first I was reluctant to share this, but then I remembered this person was really excited that got that aha, you know, because I Think you could be bittersweet? You know, you go, oh, where did I stop you? But this person wanted to move forward with it and was very excited. And that. That was neat. That was neat to hear.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know about you, Brian. One of the things that. That. Because I know you have some members of your group who have taken the group before. One of the things that I've been getting kind of excited about as we've been having people retake their program is how many people are sharing bucket list items that they've actually done since their first time in group. And to me, that's just. It's so cool. It's like some of these things are big, big deal things.

[C]

Absolutely. Was that a setup, Eric?

[B]

That was a setup. You can take it.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Brian. Snarky today. I really kind of like it.

[C]

Well, I appreciate. Good. Excellent segue. Yeah. Well, Eric's alluding the fact that I've spoken about that. I am involved in a organization where every year, it's called the AIDS Life Cycle. It's a fundraising organization where it's like a bikeathon. We raise money for LGBTQ healthcare by riding our bikes from San Francisco to Los Angeles. And this is actually something that I set as a goal for myself in my original season back in season 22, by putting it on my bucket list. Shortly following the conversation about mortality, I realized that was something I'd been wanting to do for years, but I was in that very limited, limited mindset where I thought, that's not something I could ever. I could never do. I'm not the kind of person who could do all the. The training and get all the things together and have the discipline to do it and then do all the fundraising and all the stuff you have to do. I didn't have the opinion. I was like, oh, if I try that, I'm just going to fail at it and I'm going to be embarrassed. I don't want to do it. So I realized I'm not getting any younger, so I went for it. After season 22, I made it my goal, and now I'm going to be doing my third one next week. And I proved I am. I am the kind of person who can do that stuff. I can do hard things. And let me tell you, like, the. The. The. The. Just the enrichment you get in your own life, when you get to cross something off your bucket list, it feels amazing. Like that. That dopa. That is a. The dopamine burst that really propels you forward in every area of Life, not just your bucket list.

[B]

Just hearing you talk about that, Brian, it's. I think that's just amazing. That is amazing. When we're talking about these bucket lists, it gives people also permission to, I think, listen to their inner almost child, in a sense, allows them to say, you know, yeah, I want to do these things that are playful and just fun. And when we start connecting these sort of the wild dream to, oh, wait, we can actually learn that the. We have the planning skills now to begin. All right, so when we're getting into. We'll talk about next week with our getting to yearly planning. You know, the first step for planning something big is to schedule the time to plan the big thing.

[A]

Right?

[B]

And so just getting on the calendar. Okay. Start planning out the, you know, the cycle training or planning out the, you know, whatever it is like your bucket list item is. I created. One of the fun things I love about doing the way we do it is that we all will share our bucket lists. And as a result, I think I currently have 164 items in my bucket list. How many do each of you have?

[D]

I've not counted mine. I have way, way too many to offer the whole share for sure.

[B]

A lot. But the thing is that we always tell people too. Just because you put it on the list doesn't mean you have to do it. And you can change your mind as well, often as you want to. And, you know, when we look at. If you have a list of a hundred things, you know, it's. Am I being able to do 100 things on my bucket list in my lifetime? Probably not if I do half of them. If I do a quarter of them, I think I would be able to say, I live a damn good life. And sure, that's sort of this. This idea of, like, pick one year, maybe even two year, maybe one every other year, like. But it's about being intentional and allowing yourself to know that the things you want to do matter. And it's not just about crossing the productivity stuff off that to do list.

[D]

I want to share something. This is something additional that I encourage with my members, and that is the. It comes from the idea that we have trouble kudoing ourselves. We have trouble recognizing when good things happen for us or things that we didn't know we wanted until it landed in our lap happen. I encourage members to. If it does something that falls in your lap, to recognize it and go, oh, my gosh, if I'd known this was a thing, it had been on my bucket list, I'm Adding it to it and putting that check. You know, things come up for us and we need to celebrate those things because they are a part of who we have grown into also. And so I like that too, because sometimes things go backwards. The thing moving forward is what's helping us to plan and have the anticipation that comes with those kind of dreams. And the, you know, something I've had people share that they want to time travel and astral project and things that we don't know is completely available to us yet. Yet they're thinking, oh, but I, you know, one of my bucket list is to live to be a hundred. Who the hell knows what technology is going to come? You know, I could have something really fun. I want to go, you know, live in space like Star Trek. I don't know.

[B]

You know, you know, one of my items that I realized this season that is actually, I don't think it's.

[A]

It should be on the bucket list.

[B]

Because I think it's a. It's a post bucket list thing and I want to have my ashes mixed with. In a tree sapling.

[D]

And see, that requires planning around getting someone to take care of that. Yes, absolutely. Yeah.

[C]

Eric?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Would they be getting mixed together in a bucket? I mean, how literal are we getting here?

[B]

Kristen, did we know that Brian was this funny? I guess.

[D]

Oh, yeah, I've seen it. He really is on today.

[B]

Oh, this is a delight, Kristen, when you're talking about the sort of something falls in your lap in the bucket list. So this is an adult podcast, so I'm going to share something.

[D]

Oh, no.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, definitely part of my inner dialogue. So should I really be sharing that? So I had something that fell into my bucket list and it's such an ADHD kind of story. So it was, I think four years. It was before it was pre Covid and I was going to see Fish up at Alpine Valley, Wisconsin. And you know, it's three nights of concert and you. Most people go camping and I was planning on going camping and I realized like the, the weekend before that, oh, I actually had never took care of like reserving a campsite. And everything is booked. Everything's booked. So I, I called my friend who I'm going with, like, so we have a little bit of a problem. I, I just looked and none of the campsites, like, everything's sold out and even the hotels are sold out. And so he gets back to me and he says, I did actually did find another campsite that might not be online. It's a little Bit of a different kind of campsite. He goes, well, how would you feel about going to a clothing optional campsite? And I said, sure, why didn't you lead with that? That sounds fun. But I was like, I didn't really know what to expect. So I'm like, doing all this research. I'm like, okay. Like, you know, it's. It was absolutely. It was a delightful experience and it was not what I expected. And it was definitely one of those things that I remember thinking, like, this should have been in my bucket list. I just didn't know what it was like because, like, vulnerability is like such like, I love vulnerability to be able to have conversations with people who are just not wearing clothes. And it's not sexual. It's just like pure vulnerability was an.

[A]

Amazing experience for me.

[B]

And so when you had brought up this idea of, like, the things that fall in your lap. So I had absolutely put that on the bucket list so I can cross it off saying that I did it.

[D]

What a great memory. Yeah. And growth experience. It even sounds like, you know, I think those absolutely have to go on.

[B]

The list for sure. And sadly, I think because of COVID the place didn't stay in business because I looked and they, they. They're nowhere to be found now, which I'm really bummed about.

[D]

Yeah, that's hard.

[B]

Brian, any. Any thoughts on that?

[C]

Well, I don't know. I mean, I think that's a wonderful story, Eric. And I would say, you know, any campground can be a clothing optional campground. You want it to be. So make those opportunities. But, you know, that's all I.

[B]

We are recording this 10 to 5 at least, central time on a Friday, and I think we're all feeling the Fridays right now. So, Brian, again, I wish you the best of luck on your ride and congratulations. And for podcast time, we'll be back next week. So thank you everyone, and hopefully we'll maybe catch some of you at a registration event coming up.

[A]

Our next one is this Friday, June 14th at 11:00am Pacific, 2:00pm Eastern. After that, our last regular registration event with our current regular rate of $11.99 is on June 19 at 3pm Pacific, 6 Eastern. Or you can join one of three late registration events on Monday, June 24, Wednesday, June 26, or Thursday, June 27. The price does go up to $13.99 if you wait until that last weekend to register. We'd love to get things wrapped up for registration so we can get everything prepped for the new season. So if you've been thinking about it or you've already decided but you haven't yet taken action to pre register. Maybe get off the couch and stop scrolling Facebook and go to coaching Rewired.com and start pre registering now. That's coaching Rewired.com and don't forget that Thursday at 1:30 Pacific is the Neurodivergent Pride Month panel. Sign up at ADHD Rewired.com pride2024. It's free and it's the second Tuesday of the month, so if you're catching this in time and you want to ask me or any of the ADHD Rewired coaches your ADHD related questions, join us on Tuesday at 10:30am Pacific 1:30 Eastern. You can join us by going to ADHD Rewired.com events and if you've been listening for a while and you notice that we haven't been releasing the previous month's Q and A on the podcast feed, it's honestly because those take more time to edit and I don't have an editor and I don't have more time. One way you can help with that is by supporting ADHD Rewired features financially by becoming a patron@adhd rewired.com patreon that's adhd rewired.com patreon patreon is P a t r e o n and I'm writing and recording this right now while my other computer that I call the Ashtop or Adult Study hall laptop is in our 247 co working room at adult adult study hall.com we have both facilitated sessions and our always open quiet co working room. It's only $19.99 a month, which comes out to about 66 cents a day, and it's free to try for the first week. Come co work with me and other neurodivergent brains. That's adult studyhall.com and if you've never tried virtual co working, come give it a try. It's also not just for working. You can clean, paint, create, do laundry, make dinner, and even just plan your day. What you do is truly up to you. But if you struggle to do it alone, come see if virtual co working or body doubling might work for you. And you can do that@adultstudy hall.com that's adult study hall.com all right, we'll catch you back here next week.