Podcast Summary: ADHD reWired Episode 538

Title: Queer and Neurodivergent: A Panel Discussion
Host: Eric Tivers, LCSW, ADHD-CCSP
Panelists: Eric Tivers, Chris Wang (Shimmer), Nate (content creator, advocate), Vita (ADHD coach, podcaster)
Date: June 17, 2024

Main Theme and Purpose

This special episode features an in-depth and heartfelt panel discussion on the intersection of queerness and neurodivergence, with a focus on ADHD and autism. Hosted by Eric Tivers in partnership with Chris Wang from Shimmer (an ADHD coaching platform), the panel brings together diverse queer neurodivergent voices to share personal stories, strategies for navigating overlapping identities, and advice for building more inclusive and affirming communities. Throughout, the conversation highlights the unique challenges and joys of being both queer and neurodivergent and emphasizes the importance of visibility, allyship, and pride.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Panelist Introductions & Personal Journeys

[09:30–22:19]

• Coming Out – Neurodivergence & Queerness:
  Each panelist shares their coming out stories for both their neurodivergence and queer identities, often marked by late recognition, cultural resistance, religious pressure, or family invalidation.
  • Eric Tivers: Knew he was bisexual young but stayed closeted for many years following a poor family reaction. Came out after his divorce and only recently began embracing both identities publicly. “It’s life sucks in the closet. And so I came out a couple of years ago... this is my first, like, official time being on any kind of queer panel.” [10:53]
  • Nate: Realized he was queer in elementary school, struggled due to Caribbean background and religious family. Knew he was neurodivergent but only received diagnoses as an adult. Came out as bisexual and autistic only recently: “Everything happened last year. And then ADHD was a previous year.” [14:11]
  • Vita: Grew up in a culture of gaslighting around neurodivergence and sexuality in Oklahoma. “You never think of yourself as being able to be autistic... because people have told you that’s not your experience.” [15:10] Came out as both neurodivergent and queer after seeing representation in media (“Schitt’s Creek”).
  • Chris Wang: Knew she was queer from a young age but didn’t have the language (identified as pansexual later). Came out through a work event celebrating Pride. ADHD diagnosis came after noticing symptoms in adulthood: “It’s fascinating that depending on all the other parts of your identity and your culture and your upbringing... we all have such different stories.” [21:40]

2. Relationship between Queer and Neurodivergent Identities

[22:40–31:47]

• Several panelists highlighted parallels:
  • Understanding both as spectra, not binaries.
  • Emphasis on seeing “the whole field” and dissolving binary boxes.
  • Defaulting to questioning social norms and expectations.
  • Eric on Masking: “Being bisexual... it’s easier to have a normative-looking relationship. When people assume something about you... there’s this heaviness you carry.” [25:50; 27:20]

Memorable Quote:
“It is such a profound difference from feeling accepted to feeling celebrated. I don't want to be accepted. I want to be celebrated.” — Eric Tivers [49:28]

3. Navigating Heteronormative and Neurotypical Expectations

[31:47–43:30]

• The weight of expectations:
  • They can make you “mask to the max” and feel isolated and exhausted.
  • Nate shared coping with church-based shame as a young queer Black man: “It was just a really confusing time. Am I going to hell? Am I an abomination for liking both guys and girls?” [33:43]
  • Family invalidation and gaslighting:
    Vita and Eric both described being told their sexuality is “just a phase.”
  • Panel’s advice for parents:
    “Your children want to be safe, seen, and heard. They don’t need you to fix anything.” — Vita [39:00]
  • For some, intersectionality (race, religion, culture) creates compounded barriers to coming out and being open.

4. Masking and Unmasking

[43:33–53:25]

• Masking as survival:

  • Especially for people of color, masking is often about safety in addition to acceptance.
  • Nate: “It’s mostly been a survival strategy for me... I constantly feel like I have to prove my worth.” [47:28]
  • Vita: “I don’t mask anymore. I just… am myself.” Talks about “leaning in” to weirdness to help others feel seen. [43:36]

• Unmasking as empowerment:

  • Creating safe communities through visibility (e.g., wearing a giant tutu at a conference to signal inclusiveness and fun).
  • The importance of moving from simple “acceptance” to full “celebration.”

5. Coming Out: An Ongoing Process

[53:30–64:10]

• Coming out is continuous:
  Every new relationship or environment requires decisions about what and how much to disclose—can apply to both queerness and neurodivergence.
• Risk assessment:
  Neurodivergent and queer folks must gauge safety in every situation, from workplaces to family gatherings.
  • Nate described losing his job soon after disclosing his autism diagnosis, despite working at an “inclusive” organization. [54:09]
  • Chris: “With my family (especially older/Asian generations)... some people or communities, it might be a bit too far gone.” [61:34]
  • Vita: “Having to come out again and again, assess every place, every person you let into your life—‘Is this safe?’ That’s the exhausting part.” [62:33]

6. Advice: Building Community and Getting Involved

[64:10–73:00]

• Find or create community:
  • Peer support groups (like those offered by ADA or through local organizations).
  • Follow and engage with queer and neurodivergent content creators (Instagram, podcasts, support groups).
  • Volunteer with organizations:
    “Finding nonprofits that you can volunteer for is a great way to get involved in the community and it allows you to do a piece that you are comfortable with.” — Vita [69:09]
  • Panelists’ work:
    • Eric: ADHD ReWired podcast and coaching groups.
    • Chris: Shimmer, plus social content and support for Asian and/or ADHD communities.
    • Nate: Instagram content on queer, neurodivergent, and sober life from a Black perspective.
    • Vita: Board member for Dueling Minds (AuDHD nonprofit), peer group leadership, sex-positive podcast (“Sex Symbol”).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Life sucks in the closet. And so I came out a couple years ago.”
  — Eric Tivers [10:53]

• “My mom was like, women just look at other women sexually because that’s how we compare ourselves. And I’m like, I don’t think that’s what’s going on.”
  — Vita [15:44]

• “I want people to love me for who I am, not just the version of myself they want me to be.”
  — Eric Tivers [49:41]

• “I’m gonna rock my neurodivergence and my queerness and everything so that my kids know that it’s safe to be them.”
  — Vita [45:17]

• “Having to come out again and again... that’s the most exhausting part about being a neurodivergent adult.”
  — Vita [62:33]

• “When you come out as neurodivergent, people think you’re using it as an excuse to be lazy. I’m not lazy. I’m overwhelmed. My spoons are gone.”
  — Nate [61:59]

• “There is such a healing power in being able to see yourself in somebody else.”
  — Eric Tivers [66:41]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:55–09:30] Opening by Chris Wang; definitions and purpose of “neuroqueer” discussion
• [09:30–22:19] Panel introductions and in-depth stories of coming out (queer & neurodivergent)
• [22:40–31:47] Exploring how both identities intersect and shape worldview
• [31:47–43:33] Impact of heteronormative and neurotypical standards
• [43:33–53:25] Masking, unmasking, and strategies for authenticity
• [53:30–64:10] The realities of coming out repeatedly; safety and risk
• [64:10–72:00] Community building, support, activism, and panel project highlights

Resources & Further Involvement

• ADHD ReWired: Podcast and coaching programs (Eric Tivers)
• Shimmer: ADHD coaching platform (Chris Wang)
• Dueling Minds: AuDHD nonprofit (Vita)
• ADDA: Peer support groups for various intersections (Adults with ADHD)
• Sex Symbol Podcast: Sex-positive discussion (Vita)
• Boy Slut by Zachary—panelist favorite book recommendation [66:47]

Panelists’ Socials: Available in show notes and were dropped during the live session.

Tone and Language

The panel was candid, warm, and often humorous, balancing vulnerability with optimism. The speakers emphasized solidarity, pride, and the importance of being visible for themselves and others. They acknowledged fears and setbacks but focused on resilience, community support, and the joy found in being authentic.

For Listeners and Allies

This episode is a powerful resource for queer and/or neurodivergent individuals seeking community or affirmation, as well as for allies—especially parents—wishing to better support their loved ones. The conversation is a reminder that sharing stories matters, visibility saves lives, and celebrating all parts of oneself, and each other, is essential.