ADHD reWired Episode 539 Summary

Episode Title: Sex, Kink, and Communication with Vida Carey
Host: Eric Tivers, LCSW, ADHD-CCSP
Guest: Vida Carey (Coach Vida)
Date: June 25, 2024

Episode Overview

In this candid, insightful, and often humorous episode, host Eric Tivers welcomes neurodivergent sex and relationship coach Vida Carey for a deep dive into sex, intimacy, kink, and communication—especially as experienced by adults with ADHD. Vida shares her unique perspective as a coach and educator, examining how neurodivergence impacts intimacy, how shame can be addressed, and why open and playful communication is crucial. They explore topics ranging from the definition of kink to navigating open relationships, with actionable insights, personal anecdotes, and practical strategies for both individuals and partners.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introducing Vida Carey & Her Mission

• Vida's Approach: Uses humor and authenticity to destigmatize conversations about sex and relationships.
• Bringing Sex Conversations into the Open: Vida aims to make difficult topics accessible and shame-free.
• Reframing Neurodivergent Traits: Vida leans into her tendency to overshare, turning it into a superpower and catalyst for conversations (02:16).

2. Intimacy, Sex, and Neurodivergence

The Unique Landscape for Neurodivergent Adults

• Awkwardness Intensified: Neurodivergent individuals often struggle with social skills, which can be magnified in intimate settings (04:29).
  • Quote, Vida (04:29):

  "The awkward does not go away. It just is dialed up, like, to a hundred."

• Why Kink Appeals: Kink spaces often require explicit communication, making them attractive to those who crave clear social rules (05:11).

Defining Kink for Listeners

• Broad Definition: Anything outside the "standard" or "normative" societal expectations for sex—“not missionary sex with the lights off” is classed as kink (05:32).

3. Shame, Communication, and Starting the Conversation

Navigating Shame:

• Layered Stigma: Neurodivergence often includes shame, compounded further by sexual topics (06:19).
• Approach with Care: Vida focuses first on relationships before directly addressing sexual specifics, structuring the conversation to lower defenses.

Communication Barriers:

• Not Always Knowing What One Wants: Many people struggle to even know what to ask for in intimacy, let alone how to articulate it (08:07).
  • Quote, Vida (08:07):

  "I honestly don't think people know what they want, or if they do, they're afraid to ask for it."

• The Weight of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD): Rejection tied to intimacy or sexual desires can be significantly more painful for ADHDers.

Useful Strategies:

• Outsourcing Initiation: Using stories or podcasts as a reference point can make it easier to broach personal desires with a partner (09:13).
• Timing Disclosure: Proactively sharing desires early on can prevent shameful feelings if they're invalidated later (09:38).

4. Bringing Partners on the Journey

• Start Small: Vida recommends building sexual confidence gradually—like choosing smaller sex toys or trying new things in manageable increments (11:14).
• Consent and Timing: Likes and comfort zones change over time; leaving ideas "on the table" allows for growth (12:55).
  • Quote, Vida (12:55):

  "What you don't like in March of 2024 may be very different than what you like in March of 2025."

Managing Open Loops with ADHD:

• Keep Future Plans Playful: Turn unfinished sexual conversations into something to look forward to (a "sex vacation"), using anticipation as a motivator (13:13).

5. Redefining Intimacy & Gamifying Sex

• The Intimacy Menu: Vida advocates for redefining what “counts” as intimacy, expanding it to include naked naps, mutual masturbation, and shared experiences (19:24).
  • Quote, Vida (19:24):

  "Naked naps, those are one of my favorites because ... you get that skin to skin, that oxytocin, and maybe it leads to sexy shenanigans."

• Gamifying Sex: Makes connection more accessible for neurodivergent brains, lessens performance pressure, and increases variety (20:24).

6. Sexual Reward Systems and Realities

• Beware of Quid Pro Quo Models: Sex as a reward (e.g., “Do the dishes, get a blowjob”) can create tension and disappointment due to the unpredictability of life (20:55).
  • Quote, Vida (21:45):

  "If I could not pay up, then he got a little pouty and then ... I didn't want to do the blowjob cause he was pouty."

7. Hypo- and Hypersexuality in Neurodivergent Brains

Understanding the Spectrum (28:50):

• Sex as Stimulation: For many neurodivergent adults, sex is a powerful stim—deeply stimulating and sometimes addictively so.
• Not All Dips Are Hyposexuality: Seasons of low desire may be about exhaustion, not lack of interest.
  • Quote, Vida (30:30):

  "If that's when you're choosing to have sex, you don't even have a butter knife in the drawer. ... There's nothing left."

• Addiction vs. Hypersexuality: Addiction is when pursuing the sexual "high" crowds out responsibilities and honesty in life (31:55).

8. Novelty, Kink, Polyamory, and Relationship Structures

• Novelty as a Need: ADHDers’ need for novelty makes non-traditional structures like polyamory or open relationships appealing (33:01).
• Barriers: Societal conditioning to conform to monogamy is strong; communication and consent underpin healthy exploration (33:45).
  • Quote, Vida (35:10):

  "If you are open and honest and everybody is consenting, go try it. ... If someone is not financing you or providing you orgasms, they don't really count in your hot take on life."

• The Power of Communication: Regardless of the structure, healthy communication remains the core of relationship satisfaction (36:32).

9. Practical Tips & Vulnerabilities in Intimacy

• Vulnerability Required: Open conversations about sex are inherently vulnerable but strengthen connection (37:08).
  • Quote, Vida (37:08):

    "If I'm taking my clothes off with you, that's a super vulnerable thing. Like, you could physically hurt me, you could emotionally hurt me."

• Engaging Coach Support: Coaches and therapists can help couples develop these communication skills with less shame.

10. Vida's Journey and Patterns in Sex Coaching

• Vida’s Path: From special education teaching to ADHD/adult coaching, noticing that relationship and sex questions consistently arise (38:27).
• Common Questions for Vida:
  1. "How do I bring up the topic of opening a relationship?" (41:48)
  2. "How do I talk about oral sex (giving/receiving)?" (42:59)
  3. "How do I know if someone is flirting with me?"—a frequent conundrum for neurodivergent adults (43:56)
  4. Coming out as bi/pan later in life, and navigating sexual/romantic attraction and communication (44:56)

11. Professional Boundaries and Self-Disclosure

• The Dilemma: Sharing personal information about sexuality as a professional can break stigma but may also blur traditional boundaries (47:28).
  • Quote, Vida (47:28):

    "People mistake the fact that if you talk about sex, even if you're a professional, that must mean that you are not as smart or something. It's—there's these silly misconceptions."

• Shared Lived Experience: Relating to clients via experience is especially important for ADHD/neurodivergent populations, but must be done thoughtfully (49:37).

12. Redefining Consent, Change, and Evolution

• Consent is Fluid: It can and should be renegotiated over time; desire and needs evolve (52:16).
  • Quote, Vida (53:14):

    "If you're going to be in a relationship, whatever that looks like, you have to be here for your partner's evolution. And you have to be able to talk about that because sexually, the person that I am now is not the person I was when I was 18."

• Design Your Relationship: Challenge cookie-cutter models and collaborate to create structures that fit your unique needs.

13. Navigating ADHD Brains During Sex

• To-Do List Brain During Intimacy: Random thoughts are inevitable; partners can help by using sensory redirection (54:02).
  • Quote, Vida (54:02):

    "If you start getting distracted, you need to ... go back. It's like a grounding technique. ... Start—what are you feeling? What are you smelling? ... A lot of people really like dirty talk. ... So it doesn't take a lot to bring me back."

• Playful Acceptance is Key: Two neurodivergent people in the bedroom can be "comical" and unpredictable—laughter and patience help.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

- "If you want to have sex, you should be able to talk about sex. ... If you cannot have a conversation about sex, you might need to dial that base until you can." (Vida, 47:28)

- "Sex is not a hit and run, it is a journey. And the journey to really good sex is paved with conversation." (Vida, 56:24)

- "We don't have to operate in a lack mentality. We're just adding more party favors." (Vida, 16:41)

- "Consent is always renegotiable. Like it is ... for that moment and then ... the next moment is up to that moment and that can change." (Eric, 52:31)

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment/Topic | | --------- | ------------- | | 00:00 - 04:29 | Introducing Vida Carey, her podcast, and the neurodivergence-intimacy link | | 05:11 - 06:19 | Why neurodivergent people are drawn to kink; importance of communication in kink | | 08:07 - 09:38 | Knowing what you want, fear of asking, and rejection sensitivity | | 10:47 - 12:55 | Helping partners become more receptive to new experiences | | 19:22 - 21:45 | Redefining intimacy and why “sex rewards” can backfire | | 28:50 - 31:55 | Hypo- and hypersexuality, sex as a stim, and talking about addiction | | 33:01 - 36:32 | Novelty, polyamory, and the importance of structure and communication | | 41:48 - 44:00 | Most common sex questions from clients, including flirting and open relationships | | 47:28 - 49:37 | Professionalism, self-disclosure, and stigma | | 53:38 - 55:55 | Managing ADHD distractions during sex, grounding tips, and humor |

Final Thoughts & Resources

The episode concludes with reminders to communicate openly and to redefine both relationships and intimacy in ways that work for each individual and couple. Vida champions sex as a journey—conversation is the path.

Resources Mentioned:

• Vida’s coaching/site: theneurodivergentteacher.com
• Podcast: Sex Symbol Podcast

“Start talking, start advocating for yourself, and start saying what you want. And if you don’t know how to say it, come find me and I will help you.” — Vida Carey (56:24)

This summary was prepared to provide a comprehensive and engaging overview of Episode 539 of ADHD reWired. For further information, visit the episode’s show notes or the resources above.