← ADHD reWired
ADHD reWired
539 | Sex, kink, and communication with Vida Carey
00:58:02
In episode 539 of ADHD reWired, host Eric Tivers welcomes neurodivergent coach Vida Carey, who specializes in sex and relationships. Together, they dive into conversations about sexuality, intimacy, and the unique challenges faced by neurodivergent...
Loading summary
Transcript95 lines
- [00:00]
A
ADHD Rewired episode 539. Since 2014, this has been the podcast for ADHD adults who have really good intentions and a slightly wandering attention. I'm Eric Tivers. I'm a licensed clinical social worker and an ADHD certified clinical services provider by training and a coach by design. I'm your host and I have adhd. ADHD Rewired is more than just a podcast. You can learn about our coaching and accountability groups, our virtual coworking community, and and more all@adhd Rewired.com we are wired for connection and you are not alone. Learn more about our offerings, including our monthly live Q and A's. Get additional resources for every episode, including links to any resources we mention on today's show. You can support us on Patreon, sign up for our email newsletter and more, all@adhd Rewired.com and if this is your first time listening, welcome. Don't forget to hit, subscribe or follow on your podcast app so you never miss an episode. We know that starting is the hardest part, so let's get started. Welcome back to another episode of ADHD Rewired. Today's guest is Vita Carey or Coach Vita. So Vita is a neurodivergent coach who specializes in sex and relationships. Through humor, candid vulnerability, and authenticity, she gives us the permission we need to talk about sex, sexuality, and relationship issues. A former high school and special education teacher, she can make the most awkward subject seem accessible. Her goal is to educate without shaming and make the world a better place one conversation at a time. But welcome to ADHD Rewired.
- [01:53]
B
Thank you for having me.
- [01:54]
A
When I was reading your intro and you're like, sharing vulnerably making this accessible, educating without shaming, my internal dialogue is like, what am I? What might I possibly share? That I'm going to go, I can't believe I share that. So that's. That's just the inner dialogue of my own mind. But how's your inner dialogue doing today?
- [02:16]
B
I suffer from. Well, maybe not suffer. I like to see it. We all like to see them as superpowers. But I have the neurodivergent tendency to overshare and I always have, so I might as well lean into it. And every time I have friend conversations or even when I first started coaching neurodivergent adults, all conversations would lead to sex and relationships and the struggles there. And I realized that people are have a really hard time talking about it, and I just never did. But maybe that internal switch is broken in me, but either way, I'm choosing to use it. So I just. I guess if everybody knows everything about me, they can use me as a cautionary tale.
- [03:05]
A
Okay, and so what would that cautionary tale be?
- [03:09]
B
So a friend of mine and I started the Sex Symbol podcast, and the goal was to have conversations about sex that people do have, but they always have them behind these closed doors. My friend is a very vanilla cookie, as I like to call her. She's lovely, and she really wants to explore sexually, but she just doesn't have a reference point. So we started talking about it, and we'd have these conversations, and she. I don't even know how you know this. Like, how. How would I even start this? And a lot of the coping skills and things that I've. We've talked about in relationships were things that, if you package them just a. A little bit differently, they're coping skills for, like, neurodivergent everything. Like, you don't know how to clean your house or do your nighttime routine. Let's talk about a menu of options. I can repackage that for an intimacy menu and gamify your sex life. So it's just all about what kind of things you want to plug into it.
- [04:19]
A
So do you think that there are unique differences in sex and intimacy within the neurodivergent community? And with. So what does that look like?
- [04:30]
B
I really do. I think that so many of us are. It's the whole deal about, like, we're awkward when we just meet people in public. We struggle with a lot of social interactions. And then you convince someone or meet someone, and then y' all are like, decide to get intimate, and you take your clothes off, and you're like, the awkward does not go away. It just is dialed up, like, to a hundred. And then there's two awkward naked people trying to, like, make this work and express, hey, don't do that, or, I like it here, but whatever. If you can't have a regular conversation with someone, it makes it a thousand times harder to have a sexual conversation with someone.
- [05:11]
A
Okay.
- [05:12]
B
I think for that reason, a lot of neurodivergent people are really drawn to kink because the baseline for kink is open communication.
- [05:22]
A
Yeah. Talk a little bit more and define some of these things, like kink, just in case there's listeners who maybe have heard the term but don't really have a full definition or understanding of what that means.
- [05:32]
B
Sure. So just like, the term neurodivergent is an umbrella for people that process information differently. Kink I feel has been bastardized into this umbrella term for anything that is not missionary sex with the lights off. So you can like, oh, you want to be tied up. That's kink, right? Oh, you want to be this. And it could be very, like, low key. Like, you're barely doing anything off, out off the wall, and still people are like, oh, that's kink. So I just think that it's really anything that's a little sexy and gives you that, oh, that's not. It's a little bit out of your normal realm of what society thinks is acceptable.
- [06:19]
A
How have you gotten people to open up around these topics? Because I think that we are all familiar with the, the ADHD and shame relationship. Throw discussions around sex and kink in there, and it's. That can be a. It's a dumpster fire of shame, potentially. How do you engage in conversations around this so it doesn't, you know, lead to or feel like you're sitting in this, like, pool of shame?
- [06:47]
B
I generally don't open a conversation with. So tell me your favorite position. I talk to people about their relationship, and normally whatever struggle they're having in the relationship, it really. It spider webs into their bedroom. Because in relationships, there's three top things people argue about. Sex, money, and kids. And it's such a huge part of our lives. And maybe it's not as big a deal in other parts of the world, but definitely in the United States, dates, it's, shh, don't talk about this. This is naughty. Which means that everybody wants to talk about it, but then they don't know how to talk about it. And we're trying to teach people to advocate for themselves. As an, as a neurodivergent coach, we're trying to teach people how to advocate for themselves in the workplace. So I need you to be able to ask for a break or a quiet room in the workplace. But then you're like, okay, so now that you've tackled that, I want you to advocate for yourself in the bedroom. And people are like, I. I don't understand the questions.
- [07:56]
A
So do you find that when you're working with folks that, like, one of the challenges is they people know what they want but don't know how to ask for it?
- [08:07]
B
I honestly don't think people know what they want, but not all people, right? We can't say that, but I think a lot of people don't know what they want, or if they do, they're afraid to ask for it. Because if you ask for it, and you advocate and your partner does not respond appropriately. Man RSD when it's tied to sexual things is like, it hits like a million times harder. And I like to, especially through the podcast. It's. I'm not really coaching anyone on there except like my friend. And we're just. It's really our wacky hijinks. If I can teach people through my foils, right? Here's. This is what happened when my husband and I tried anal and blah, blah, blah, blah, then at least maybe people can talk to their partner. But I listened to this podcast and this crazy lady tried this and it was intriguing and I think I want to try it. It's so much easier to talk about ourselves if we have something to hang it on.
- [09:13]
A
One of the things that I've found over the years is that it's easier to enter a relationship when you know what you want and then putting it out there on the table early on versus I've also done the alternative, which is holding onto it for a long time and then finally getting the courage to say, oh, this is a thing that I like. And then it getting shut down, which is just then it makes me feel like shit. Right?
- [09:38]
B
Yeah. We have a lot of magical thinking around so many things in our lives, but especially around sex. And I think that pop culture, movies, even books. And I really like to write erotica. But I'm telling you right now, like, I can make anything sound sexy. But in reality, when you're trying to do this, like, it takes a lot of prep work. There's pre game, there's game day, there's after the game. And I don't think people are prepared for that. It's no, we're just supposed to like, fall in love and then everything works out great.
- [10:08]
A
And I'm like, how's that working for those folks who are thinking that, yeah.
- [10:14]
B
We might need to. To do a little work on that. And it's funny that you said there are. People go into it either with magical thinking or they know exactly what they want. And those people have explored. They don't have to have explored with a partner. They could just explore themselves, explore their body and know what they like. But people that know what they want when they go in and they talk to a partner and they're like, slide that metaphorical piece of paper across the table and these are the things I want. It's extremely intimidating to the person on the other side of the table.
- [10:48]
A
How can someone help the person who might need some sort of warming up to other ideas? Or like this, or they weren't. They have not been exposed to ideas of sex positivity and kink positivity. How can someone help their partner be maybe a little bit more receptive to that? Especially if they're also sitting with some potential RSD and they're super afraid to share something.
- [11:15]
B
I always tell people to start small because just everything that we do, our eyes are so much bigger than the reality of our situation. So if you walk into a sex shop and you're like, I've never purchased a toy before, but I think I'm going to go for the biggest one hanging on the wall. Yeah, you probably overshot that just a bit. Just a bit. So I'm gonna need you to start with the smallest one and then work your way up. But it's with all things, like, you're not gonna go out and run a marathon. The first day you pick up running, you're gonna. I might run around the block, or I might walk around the block. It's starting slow and building up and in a relationship. My husband and I have a really great sex life. We've been married 20 years, and there was always good sexual chemistry. And we did some things right. Like, we didn't have to fix all of it, but there have been definite conversations along the way that I. He wanted something that I was real hesitant about or maybe wasn't into. And so we have this kind of. We've developed this thing towards. I hear what you're saying, and I may not be ready for that right now, but let's. I'm going to leave it on the table and we can come back to it. Because your sexual likes and dislikes, it's a spectrum just like everything else. And what you don't like in March of 2024 may be very different than what you like in March of 2025.
- [12:56]
A
Hmm. How do people then get more comfortable? I'm thinking, with the ADHD perspective of, okay, so you're giving information and trying to present it in a way where you're not requiring an immediate response. So for the adhder, how do you keep track of that open loop?
- [13:14]
B
Oh, it's hard. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna stand here and be like, I have the answers to everything, because if I did, that would. This would be a totally different podcast. But I think where sex is concerned, it's like when things come up. Cause they will. If you are an adult and you're married and you have kids and you really wanna try anal and you have that conversation, and. But you never have any time because of life and all the things that you have. Y' all may have to put a pin in that, but it may be one of those things, like, okay, I really want to try this, but we're gonna have to plan. This is gonna be vacation sex right here. This is gonna be a thing. So then. And it gives people with ADHD and neurodivergence, like, we have something to look forward to, because that is something that. This is not our normal. This is a treat, right? It's like Halloween and a bunch of pixie sticks. So, like, sex vacations are, like, a definite thing for neurodivergent people.
- [14:15]
A
All I keep thinking of right now is that you might want to have a different metaphor. We're talking about anal, because when you said put a pin in it, that just sounded very painful.
- [14:27]
B
Okay, maybe a plug. Put a plug in it.
- [14:31]
A
That one. Okay. So when you have people who are working with you, like, what are the types of conversation. Shine some light on the conversations that we maybe don't think that people even have.
- [14:48]
B
Okay. A lot of women want things that are. They're not comfortable asking for, because then that makes them into a sexual creature. And, like, guys, for the most part, are super okay with asking for sex or some kind of sex thing or whatever. They're like, yeah, I totally want this threesome, or, I totally want more blow jobs, or, I would really like this or that. Men are okay most of the time with owning that. Maybe not at first with a woman coach, but it's not that hard for them to get there. For women, it seems to be harder for them to say what they want. But that's not just in sex. That's in a lot of things in life. Because when you say what you want and you own the things that you want, it makes you intimidating. And that's really outside of this box that a lot of women have been conditioned to sit in. Like, you're supposed to be. You're supposed to smile and be complacent, and your needs don't count. And so now when I'm teaching people, I'm like, yes, it is okay to say that, hey, babe, I know you really like oral, but I really like it, too. So maybe we can work out something where we both getting what we want. And a lot of times it's packaging, because when people say, can we do this in the bedroom? What the partner hears is that, I have not been getting you off. And I would like to try something else. And it's No, I just want to put chocolate icing on the cake tonight instead of vanilla icing. It's like these. It's not. We don't have to operate in a lack mentality. We're just adding more party favors.
- [16:48]
A
Do you know the Brene Brown phrase about starting a hard conversation where you started off saying, the story I'm telling myself? Is there a sex equivalent to that? How to bring something up that's hard? No pun.
- [17:02]
B
I use that. I use that a lot even in my own life. Like, the story I'm telling myself is that you don't find me attractive. And so my husband and I have conversations like this all the time because we both have full time jobs, we have two kids, we have parents that we're taking care of. And it's. So the sex window is small and finite. And the other day I was like, it's getting summertime and I'm gonna have to wear. I like to wear shorts, but I don't really think you like me in shorts. And I spiraled. I went hardcore spiral. And the story I was telling myself is that he didn't like. And he was like, I have never said that I grope you every time you wear shorts. Like, I just. Where are you getting this? So I think when sex is concerned, you can still use that frame. Like the story I'm telling myself, because that puts our partner not on the defensive. Especially with rsd, we get immediately defensive. We're not problem solving. We're just defending ourselves. And so I love using that in the bedroom. But a lot of times I package it as, Dave, I would really like you to do me a favor. And then it's that thing that you really like to try. It's. Can we try that on me? Because people are much more open to doing favors than just, oh, you're not doing it right. And you need to do it like this.
- [18:33]
A
What do you think about the whole notion of sex rewards for couples?
- [18:37]
B
I don't particularly like sex rewards. I do okay, like sex vacations. That's a sex reward. But that's something we're doing together, right? Like, we're going and it's fun and it's. I really. I created an intimacy menu. Then we use this here at home. So like I said, sex time is finite. And most people, it's like they have this number, this magic number that lives in their head. This is how many times we have to have sex this week. And if we don't, we're some kind of sexual failures, right? Or we're not paying into that cup of our relationship. And we've talked about it lots in my relationship. I've talked about it with couples. And for most people, the magic number is three.
- [19:22]
A
Three times a week, we think, yeah.
- [19:25]
B
And they think seven times a week. But when you actually have the conversation with them, it's, realistically, I'd be okay with three. And so then you take it a step further. It's. We're not just talking about penetrative sex. That is not the only thing that counts as intimacy. Naked naps, those are one of my favorites because guess what? We're exhausted and we're adults and now a nap should totally count as a date. But if you're naked, you get that skin to skin, that oxytocin, you get all that stuff and maybe it leads to sexy shenanigans. And that's just a bonus. There's mutual masturbation, there's. You can watch shows together, you can do all these things, but you have to redefine what sex is for you. And I think the intimacy menu, gamifying your sex, all that different stuff. I think it's better than sex rewards because rewards have a tendency to get abused.
- [20:25]
A
That was just imagining the idea of if, especially if there's two people in their relationship who are maybe both neurodivergent. And there's certain things that each really like and there's other things that they don't like, say, filling the dishes, like offering swaps. I don't know. I've always thought that to be an interesting idea. It's playful. But I, whenever I've heard discussions about that kind of stuff, it's often like people discouraging that. So I was just curious from your.
- [20:55]
B
Experience, I, I love the idea, but I've tried it and here was the thing. So, yeah, I'll give a blowjob for you doing the dishes. Sure. But then what happens is he does the dishes and then it comes time to pay up, more or less. And then one of the kids is sick, or this, that and the other, like, life gets in the way. And then, at least in our case, my husband, bless his heart, he was like, but I did the thing. I did the thing to get the thing. And then he never got the reward. So you have to be really careful when using rewards because of the way, behaviorally, the way our minds work, it's if, do they expect a reward every single time or is it an intermittent reward that this may or may not happen? You know, and so in our case, sex rewards did not work because life got in the way and then when. So like in the dishes blowjob scenario here, if I could not pay up, then he got a little pouty and then it was like. And then I didn't want to do the blowjob cause he was pouty.
- [22:07]
A
I was just thinking of a, an episode title, Dishes and Blowjobs. Yeah, I'll, I'll put a pin in that one. Or maybe a pin in it.
- [22:15]
B
Yeah.
- [22:17]
A
What I do need to do though is take a quick break. When we come back, I want to talk about what your experience and thoughts are around hyper and hyposexuality for neurodivergent brains. So we will be right back. Hey, ADHD Rewire of the Sinners. If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, then you might know that not only have we been podcasting for 10 years, we're also coming up on the 10 year anniversary of the launch of our coaching and accountability groups which were recognized in 2019 and will be working as again at the 2024 International Conference on ADHD. At the Innovative Programs portion of the conference, we just wrapped up our 36th consecutive season of his groups. So I want to congratulate all the members who just finished their season and after over 1200 people completed this program, we've facilitated 96 groups over 36 consecutive seasons. A few things are really clear. One, these groups in our community continue to provide life changing growth for so many of our members. And two, there's a lot more competition for earballs since in the last year or two there's been an explosion of ADHD podcasts. So why am I saying this? Well, for one, I'm trying to be as transparent as possible and two, while I know and our alumni know the impact of our coaching groups, I also know we can't have the same kind of impact if we are not filling those groups the way we once did. And I also hope that in this transparency I can model that growth really is not a straight and steady lineup and that often growth requires a tremendous amount of adaptability and flexibility. So here's where we're at. Our summer coaching season is scheduled to begin July 11th and 12th and this week I have scheduled two registration events. One is on Wednesday, June 26th at 8am Pacific, 11 Eastern. And the final registration event that we have scheduled is on Thursday, June 27th at 11am Pacific 2 Eastern. We'll have all of that information right at the website@coachingrewired.com so if you're on the fence or if you're doing that thing that I know I do sometimes. I know a lot of ADHDers do where they've actually made the decision to do something, but you just haven't yet taken the action to reflect that decision. Take action now and start pre Registering@coaching Rewired.com none of us know what the future holds and I'm sharing this with you again to be transparent about There is a real possibility that this may be the last season we're going to offer these groups, at least in its current form. And maybe that's okay, and maybe it's going to lead to an even more innovative program and maybe I just need to figure out other ways to reach a larger audience. I'm not sure. What I know is that we have an amazing program and I believe in it with all of my heart. But unfortunately my belief in this program isn't going to pay the bills if we're not reaching enough people to sign up. So join us this summer and together let's explore how we can each have a type of impact in our lives that we all desire. Go now go to coachingrewired.com Add your name to the interest list and get started today with Pre registration. That's coachingrewired.com and thanks.
- [25:57]
B
So many times in my life I really didn't know what I was getting myself into. Only this time I'm grateful. It's the instant support, encouragement, validation, connection and camaraderie from people who just get it.
- [26:10]
A
It all has helped me be more comfortable with who I am.
- [26:16]
B
I'm so glad that I that I did join because it is what I needed. I needed the intensity. I needed the three days a week and constant like interactions with my A team to help me stay focused. Because I have poor working memory I'm not going to be able to remember, you know, what I'm struggling with three months from now. I learned so much about myself and discovered what's good about me in ways that I wouldn't have alone and that I didn't with a therapist and broke through that cynicism that I don't know I would have been able to do in any other way. If you are thinking about joining this group, I'd highly encourage it. There was something amazingly special about growing with a group of people who all had similar struggles as I did. It was encouraging, it was safe, it was inspiring and above all it was healing. What I learned from this group is like this is actually what would be most helpful for you to do the thing that you actually want to do. I have seen so much value just in the past 10 weeks that really like the value was way more than the cost of the program. And what's really great is that the investment is just going to continue to pay off in the future. Right. So all the skills that I have now, I'm just going to keep using them. And so I'm so excited to see like how much I've grown over the past 10 weeks. But I'm even more excited to see how I'm going to take all these skills I've learned into other parts of my life. This course has been life changing and helping me learn about my ADHD and gain tools to help help me sculpt a more purposeful life.
- [27:36]
A
If you're thinking about joining, please do. Please do. Like a lot of people said, I wish I joined sooner or made this sip sooner because I just feel like I grew a lot personally in ways I didn't expect.
- [27:49]
B
This group was the catalyst to making the change that I didn't know I needed but had been longing for for a lifetime. If you're thinking about joining this group, I've never liked the idea for myself of any kind of group coaching or therapy or support groups. I've always figured my difficulties were so severe that I needed the full attention of an individual coach or therapist, which I've done and that I would not be able to get enough out of a group. However, group coaching through ARC has been more beneficial than I possibly could have imagined.
- [28:20]
A
It has been amazing being surrounded by.
- [28:22]
B
People, including the coach, who all have ADHD.
- [28:26]
A
Don't wait another minute. Go now to coaching Rewired.com. we hope to meet you soon. All right, we are back. All right, let's talk about hypo and hypersexuality around adhd. What is your experience professionally, personally? What do you think?
- [28:50]
B
Yeah. Okay, so. So for those of you out there, we kind of neurodivergent brains sexually generally come into camps, right? Hypersexuality, which means they really want sex a lot and all the time. And then hyposexuality, which they don't want it. And I don't think people talk enough about this, but sex is a stim. It is super stimulating. There's all kinds of stimulation that you can get from, from sex. And it's really, really addictive to a lot of neurodivergent people, especially those that are hypersexual. And my husband and I are both neurodivergent and we're both hypersexual. So for us, we struggled sometimes in our relationship, but we generally didn't struggle with our sex life if we were able to connect and have some kind of sex. When we struggled the most was when we were going through phases of our life where maybe it looks like you're hyposexual all of a sudden, or you have seasons of hyposexuality where you don't want it. That's not the case. A lot of times for adults, you're just exhausted and there's just nothing left in the tank. It's the deal about it always cracks me up. People use the spoon analogy. I'm like, when you get to the end of the night, if that's when you're choosing to have sex, you don't even have a butter knife in the drawer. There's no spoons. Like, there's nothing. There's not like a salsa packet left over from takeout. There's nothing in the drawer. And we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to live these unrealistic lives. It's all like, I'm the perfect parent and I have the perfect job and my house is always clean and I'm this super sexual goddess. And yeah, that's horseshit. Because life is messy.
- [30:46]
A
I was gonna say said no ADHD or ever. Right.
- [30:50]
B
Because especially for neurodivergent people. Right. Like, I would love for my house to look like some people's Instagram reels, but it does not look like that. And depending on the day that you come over, maybe it looks like I tossed everything in a closet and shut the door. Or maybe it looks like we just got back from vacation and no one's cleaned the house. But my kids are alive and have been fed and hopefully everyone has on most of their clothes. And it's. And that's, I think, how people need to start thinking about sex is it's not gonna be this. This picture perfect thing where you have sex every single day of the week. No. Even for young people that don't have all of these life things going on, I still think three times a week is probably. It's a realistic average for people that have some safe places to do that.
- [31:48]
A
What. What's the difference to you between hypersexuality and sexual addiction?
- [31:55]
B
I always thought that where addiction come in is when you use it to alter your mood. But it's so funny because that's what Diet Coke does too. Like, that's what sugar does too. And especially for ADHDers. And even Audi ageders like, yeah, sex alters my mood every single time. If I'm having an orgasm, I am much more pleasant to be around after the fact. But I think it's when, in this case, it's when we are letting it. Things go that need to be taken care of in order to chase that high. Like when you are not taking care of your everyday life, things to go chase that high. When you're being dishonest and hurting people to go chase that high. I think that's when addiction comes into play.
- [32:48]
A
What about relationship. What about relationship structures? We as someone who's all. Who's divorced and reading all about like divorce or relationships and things like ethical non monogamy, polyamory.
- [33:01]
B
Yeah.
- [33:02]
A
Which for my mind makes sense. And so I guess my, my. What's my question here? What do you think the barrier is if people with adhd, we love novelty? Like, novelty is like, it's like our candy. Like we. But it's more. But it's actually more like our protein. Like, we really need that novelty to feel regulated. And if we also love sex and we love novelty and we want to be open, honest, good people, how do. What do you think the barrier is for people having and exploring things around different relationship structures? Like open relationships?
- [33:46]
B
Yeah, I, I honestly, I think. And so open, like different kinds of relationship structures and even different things sexually. Even if you were monogamous or even if you were just like exploring by yourself. Right. We have been conditioned that life is supposed to look like this. And so for at least for me too, I mean, I stumbled upon kink in BDSM and it was like, oh, my gosh, there are rules. People are supposed to openly talk about this. And if I don't like something, I can just say red and it stops and we talk about it and no one gets butt hurt. You know, there were so many things. So it was such a game changer for me because I like rules. I like the fact that everybody's held to these tenants where we're all going for the same thing. And so I feel like that's how we need to look at relationship structures too. There's this great book called the Creative act. And he talks about. And it's all about creatives, right? And he talks about, never underestimate the value of a novice in a field. And he said, because if painters grow up in the traditional school of painting and you go into a museum, most paintings are square because they're taught that's how a painting is supposed to look. It's supposed to be square or rectangle. And he goes. But a novice may come in and say, why can't it be a circle? Or why does it even have to have a frame? Or whatever. And it works and it revolutionizes like all of this stuff, but it's because people didn't discount it. But neurodivergent brains think that way all the time. We're always thinking about things that, like, that doesn't work for me. And so I want to go try this. If you are open and honest and everybody is consenting, go try it. And if it works for you, it doesn't matter that Suzanne down the street doesn't like it because she's not in it. It's a whole deal about if someone is not financing you or providing you orgasms, they don't really count in your hot take on life. So I. I have friends that are in open relationships. They are in poly relationships, closed poly relationships. And they are some of the happiest people. But. And I have friends that have tried it and struggled. And I don't think it has to do with the structure of the relationship I have. I think it has to do with how well you communicate while you're in any kind of relationship.
- [36:32]
A
I think that's one of the things that, for, for me, that is appealing about just the whole sex positivity, King positivity, open relationships is you have to communicate. Is none of this like just assuming and blah, blah, blah. Cause that doesn't work, right? It's. It's ridiculous how much we have to communicate. And I just find it super helpful. And when you have this sort of shared understanding, it's, to me, it just from a place of intimacy and eroticism. Communication fosters connection and connection fosters intimacy.
- [37:09]
B
You're so vulnerable, right? Like, we talk. Go back, going back to what we said at the beginning. People are super awkward in social situations. And you're like, you're just trying to ask someone what their favorite color is, and it's super awkward. So then you get into an intimate relationship and you're trying to ask them more in depth questions. But if I'm taking my clothes off with you, that's a super vulnerable thing. Like, you could physically hurt me, you could emotionally hurt me. There could be all kinds of stuff. In fact, I joked with my friend on the podcast. I was like, I don't think one night stands are good anymore because you could wake up in a bathtub full of ice. It's like, you just, you know, there's all Kinds of. And not even a fun. In a fun way. Like, not. But I think that if you want to have sex and you want to have good sex, you're going to have to learn how to have the conversation. And if you don't know how to have the conversation, there are lots of ADHD coaches, intimacy coaches, sex coaches. There's lots of therapists out there that can help you have those conversations. But it really spills over into all aspects of your life.
- [38:28]
A
I don't remember if you said how you actually got into doing this work.
- [38:31]
B
Okay, so I was a high school English teacher and a coach. I coached sports. I coached softball, soccer, all this stuff. And my classroom was the inclusion classroom because my sister is autistic and I knew how to work with challenging students. And so after a while, I was really frustrated because I didn't think my students were being served correctly. And I went and I got my master's and my special ed cert, had kids. And in the meantime, guess what? I got diagnosed. So I had all these students that graduated high school that once you walk across the stage at a high school, your scaffolding for life in general goes to nothing. It's, guess what, you got your diploma. Good luck. And all of these adults were coming to me asking me for basically coaching. Can you help me set up my school schedule? Can you help me do this? And I just fell into coaching that way. But it just seemed, I don't know, maybe there's something about me, I don't know. But it just seemed like anybody that was over 20 that came to me for coaching, it always led to relationships. And then there was always a question about sex.
- [39:54]
A
Hmm. Are there themed questions that you can identify similar questions? Mm, let's. I want to hear those. But I also need to take one more quick break and when we come back, we're going to hear what do people ask you about sex? So we will be okay. Right back. I want to thank all of our patrons who support this podcast financially, especially now. And this Tuesday, June 25th at 1pm Pacific 4 Eastern is our monthly coaching call for patrons who give at $25 a month or more. To become a patron, go to ADHD rewired.com patreon that's ADHD rewired.com patreon and if you are looking for some body doubling and co working, then look no further than adult studyhall.com ADHD rewires a virtual co working community. We have facilitated sessions all week as well as a 24.7quiet co working room. And it's all for only 1999 and it's free to try for the first week. And this is a great week to join because it's the fourth Friday of the month, which means I'll be hosting our monthly Pomodoro dance party starting at 11am Pacific to Eastern. What's a Pomodoro dance party? We take the Pomodoro concept of using timers for work and breaks. Our format is that we do two 50 minute work blocks and after each 50 minute work block, I'll be your DJ for a 10 minute high intensity dance party. So we'll be doing two dance parties, two work blocks. Join us@adult study hall.com. all right, we are back. All right. What are some of the like, most fun questions you get asked about sex in your work?
- [41:49]
B
Most fun questions. I feel like there's. It's like an ESPN highlight reel and there's like these things happen all the time. So how do I talk to my partner about the possibility of having an open relationship? I get that one quite a bit because we're just. It's like you said, it's the novelty and that maybe people are finally starting to think that maybe these traditional kind of cookie cutter things don't work for them.
- [42:20]
A
I remember reading a. I think it was maybe polysecure. There was a line in there that. That says something about. You ever think about how monogamy is just a default mode and we just go on without asking questions? It's interesting.
- [42:35]
B
No, I was thinking about that before I even came on here. It's like the executive function. It takes for someone once they're in a relationship to. I don't like this anymore and I would like to leave is huge. So how many people stay in relationships just because like the. It's exhausting to think about the things you have to do to leave. Yeah.
- [42:56]
A
Yeah.
- [42:59]
B
Okay. Yeah. So I get asked about open relationships. I get asked a lot of times about how to bring up oral sex for girls and guys. I would really like them to do that. But I don't know. Oh too. And I'm like, you just tell them to put their mouth on it. It's. And then I'm like, okay, let's. I also get to talk to you about. People don't know when other people are flirting with them. And yes, it's a sex question because it really leads into it. It's. So someone came up and they said this and that to me. Are they flirting with me? And I'm like, yes, they're flirting with you and. Or no, they're not flirting with you. So there's a lot of that. There's a lot of neurodivergent people walking around just super oblivious to people flirting with them. And then they get this RSD going. It's, nobody will ever want to be with me. It's, I just clocked five people trying to hit on you as you walked over here. So we might have to work on that.
- [43:56]
A
I wonder if I've ever been oblivious to that.
- [44:00]
B
I'm not sure. A lot of times we are because we are taught not to trust our instincts about so many things. So unless someone is super overt when they're flirting with me, even though I can help other people identify it, but within myself, I'm just like, I don't know, I thought they were just being nice.
- [44:22]
A
Isn't that funny? It's. I've been discovering that about myself in certain areas of life where like I'm. I am great at reading the emotions and feelings about other people and I can walk into a room and I can pretty accurately say, here's what's going on. But when it comes to like how I'm coming off to others, that is something I'm like, maybe there's a little bit of a divide between what I thought that self awareness piece was. So it's interesting to think about that in the realm of intimacy and sex. All right, so let's go back to those questions that people ask you about.
- [44:56]
B
Yeah. So I also have a lot of people that are late, or maybe not all of them, but are late coming out as bisexual pan like all different things and they don't know how to navigate waters. I myself am bisexual and about flirting, I. Yeah, okay. I never pick up on it when a woman is hitting on me. Never. Yeah, because I just think people are being nice.
- [45:24]
A
Yeah. How. How would we know? We almost like we need like a wing person to give us that feedback. Hey, so and so's flirting with you.
- [45:32]
B
Yeah. So my husband and then occasionally my 17 year old daughter, she's the mom. That lady was totally hitting on you. And I'm like, really? I didn't even know. So I get a lot of questions about that. How do I know if someone is flirting on me or now that I'm out, where do I go to meet people? And then if I do meet someone, like, how do I navigate sex with this new group of people? Insane, safe and consensual. That's. That's what we want to do. We want to make sure that you're doing all those. But I think it's just the packaging may be a little bit different. Women, I are more subtle in a lot of things. They're not as overt, and people just think they're being nice. But at least that's been my. My experience. But like I said, I get a lot of questions about oral sex.
- [46:27]
A
It's. It's interesting too. And I was hearing you talk about that I was being bisexual, you know, So a year or two ago, I came out on the podcast because part of it was like, I was just sick and tired of there being no representation of bisexual men. And like, you know what? I'm gonna throw my hat in the arena and say, yes, I. I'm a bisexual man, right? And. But then I'm like, wait, am I supposed to know what the hell I'm talking about when it comes to this? Because I don't trying to. To be a voice, make it safer for other bisexual men to. To come out. But I'm not a. I'm an expert on myself. And even that could be questionable at times. But to talk about this in a way of. Here's the experience, and it's as a professional, and I was telling you this before we hit record. I'm like, I. I don't know what I. What is appropriate to share or not share about this. I'm like. Because I love discussions about sex and kink and all that kind of stuff, but. But I'm a professional. And this, yeah, it's. I'm a pretty informal person, but I don't want to cross a certain line. Like, I. What will people think? Right?
- [47:28]
B
It's super scary. It's super scary to be in the sex space. And my friend and I, we had a lot of discussions. I'm like, okay, if we launch this podcast, if we start this stuff, if I start offering intimacy coaching for people and I'm out there in my face is out there with this stuff, like, people are going to start viewing me differently. Even though sex is a conversation that everybody needs to have. Because if you want to have sex, you should be able to talk about sex. That's the thing. If you cannot have a conversation about sex, you might need to dial that bass until you can. But people mistake the fact that if you talk about sex, even if you're a professional, that must mean that you are not as smart or something. It's. There's these silly misconceptions about things that people can't be these openly sexual beings and still take care of you professionally as a professional?
- [48:33]
A
Like, what I don't know is, where is that around ADHD and other mental health stuff. I'm pretty open about the things I experience. When it comes to things around sex, I'm always like, is it okay to share that? Is it okay to say that with things that I like? Or should I say I'm a grinder? What does that actually mean? If I tell someone that I don't know how to navigate, that I'm dipping my toes in different things, and I'm like, I don't know.
- [49:00]
B
The freedom the podcast gives me is because it's a comedy sex podcast. And then my friend and I, we talk about it. We're not experts. We're just here talking about our lived experiences and the bullshit we think. But when people come to me for, like, intimacy coaching, if they listen to the podcast, they're going to know a lot of stuff about me. So if anybody's out there and wants to listen to the podcast, and that's your thing. Awesome. It's an awesome podcast and it's super funny, but you're going to know a lot of intimate details about me and will probably never look at me the same way again if you ever meet me in person. So I apologize ahead of time.
- [49:35]
A
So how do you navigate that?
- [49:38]
B
It's pretty new. We've been doing it for about five months. I've never had anyone come up to me and say, hey, I listened to this podcast and how you're like, a champion deep throater. Nobody's ever come up and said that to me. But I think how you talk about when things in your life just prepare you and lead you to where you need to be. I did teach high school for a long time, and nobody can say shit to you like a high school student can. So I think I'm pretty prepared for things that people would walk up and say to me about this. And then there's the other thing. It's. But you listen to the podcast, so, you know, I don't know. I do realize that as professionals, there is a line. It's that whole deal like, we don't need to share. I think the line gets blurred because if we're working with neurodivergent individuals, they learn and we relate through shared experience. So if you're not relating to people through shared experience, then there may come a time in that professional relationship where they may seek someone else, or maybe they don't feel like they're getting help, or maybe you don't Feel like you've helped them. I just think it's really hard when that's how our brains relate to each other.
- [50:56]
A
Yeah, it's, it's like the old school of in like, for me, as a trained social worker, part of our training is like to don't ever self disclose anything personal about yourself. Which I'm just like, yeah, that never made sense to me. Right. Because like I, I think it's important to not self disclose things that you're still in process and are still figuring out. But if you figured out your shit and you're okay with whatever you got going on. Okay. If you think it's. If the purpose is for to be helpful and not just a cathartic sharing, it's an interesting thing and I would love to see more just like work out there on how to help professionals have these kinds of conversations and normalize conversations around sex the same way we were normalizing conversations about adhd.
- [51:42]
B
Right. And I think that teaching people that life is not this cookie cutter thing that we have been sold because that never worked for neurodivergent people anyway. And there are so many different ways out there to do things and to talk about things. You can have any kind of relationship you want as long as you're being safe, sane and consensual. Same with sex. And there's always going to be someone in your life. Especially as we're starting to shift this perspective and dynamic, there's always going to be someone in your life that's, oh, you're doing it wrong.
- [52:16]
A
Yeah. The idea of designing our life, we can design our intimate relationships as well to, to be how we want them to be. And we can renegotiate. And that's just part of consent. Like consent is always renegotiable. Like it is.
- [52:31]
B
Right.
- [52:32]
A
You know, it's for that moment and then, you know, the next moment is up to that moment and that can change.
- [52:38]
B
And the people we are when we're 18 and we turn into adults or at 24 or whenever it is you get into a relationship, they are not the people we are five years, 10 years, 15 years later because we evolve. And if you don't evolve, you are a gargoyle sitting on a building somewhere. You are stagnant. It's not a Disney cartoon. You don't get to come to life. It's not that thing. So it's like you have to be okay with your evolution. And if you're going to be in a relationship, whatever that looks like, you have to be here for your Partner's evolution. And you have to be able to talk about that because sexually, the person that I am now is not the person I was when I was 18.
- [53:26]
A
Yeah, same. Yeah. Just trying to figure out a segue into this next question, but sex and to do lists.
- [53:39]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [53:40]
A
So the number of random thoughts that will pop into my head when I'm being intimate is comical. Like comical. How do you cope with that? How do you deal with when the random shit is running through your brain and the impulsivity helps you say it out loud while you're actually having sex?
- [54:02]
B
Yeah. So there's one particular time where like getting busy. My husband is like really into it. And in my mind I'm thinking, did I flip the load of laundry? And he feels me space out and he looks down at me, he goes, where did you go? And I was like, I don't want to tell you. And he goes, no, where did you go? And I was like, I was thinking about the laundry. And he goes, okay, I can fix that. And bless my husband heart. This is why you need to find someone that's as weird and neurodivergent as you are. Because we have a mad scientist level thing going on in our bedroom. So it's, I can handle that. And he did. We do. If, if you start getting distracted, you need to. To go back. It's like a grounding technique. But start what are you feeling? What are you smelling? If your partner sees that you're getting distracted, they can help you with multisensory experiences. Like whisper in their ear. Tell them something. A lot of people really like dirty talk. I'm a sucker for dirty talk. So it doesn't take a lot to bring me back to the moment if I get distracted. But these are things that we've learned about each other over the years. And two neurodivergent people in the bedroom is some comical shit. It just is like you get distracted or someone gets overstimulated or someone is under stimulated or there's just so many different things that happen. So it's like something that felt really good to them for a long time, all of a sudden stops feeling good to them. It's those hyper fixation foods that's all you want to eat forever and ever. And then all of a sudden corn dogs don't taste like corn dogs anymore. We do it with sex too. It's. I really like that position forever and ever. And now it's don't touch me like that.
- [55:55]
A
Just replaying some scenarios on my mind right now. I'm gonna. I'm gonna keep that in my own head for the moment, but this has been a lot of fun. Maybe if the format of my podcast was a little different, we would have dove into some other areas too. But if you want to get into those areas, I would encourage everyone to go check out Sex Symbol, the podcast for deeper fun conversations all about sex. Yeah, anything you want to leave our listeners with. Any last thoughts?
- [56:24]
B
Oh, of course. Sex is not a hit and run, it is a journey. And the journey to really good sex is paved with conversation. So I need people to start talking, start advocating for yourself and start saying what you want. And if you don't know how to say it, come find me and I will help you.
- [56:52]
A
Thank you so much. By Carrie is her name. The website is. This is link tree.oh it's the neurodivergent.
- [57:02]
B
Teacher.com is the one for me and for coaching and sex symbol podcast.com if you want to look up the podcast.
- [57:10]
A
And we will put the links to that in this episode's show notes. Thank you so much. This has been a lot of fun.
- [57:17]
B
Thanks.
- [57:18]
A
We certainly hope that you enjoyed today's episode. Feel free to reach out. Contact me through our website adh rewired.com or on any of our social channels to let me know what you thought of today's episode. And just one last reminder here about our upcoming coaching groups. If this is something you're interested in, go now. Go to coachingrewired.com and get started with your pre registration process. First step is you go to that website coaching Rewired.com and add your name to the email list. All right, we will catch you next time. Thanks for listening.