ADHD reWired Episode 558 Summary

Episode Title: When “Fine” Keeps Us Stuck: A Reflection on My Dad, Masking, and Adapting
Release Date: October 6, 2025
Host: Eric Tivers, LCSW, ADHD-CCSP

Episode Overview

In this deeply personal solo episode, host Eric Tivers reflects on the recent passing of his father and explores the parallels between his father's determination, the concept of "masking" in neurodivergence, and the struggle of adapting to change. Drawing from family anecdotes and his own experiences with ADHD and autism, Eric examines how saying "I'm fine" can keep us stuck, and emphasizes the power of asking for help, embracing adaptation, and seeking community.

Key Themes & Discussion Points

1. Personal Loss and Reflection on Adaptation

• Eric opens by sharing that his father passed away about a month and a half ago (00:56), and he's been reflecting on meaningful lessons from his father's life.
• Eric’s own diagnosis of autism earlier in 2025, in addition to his long-standing ADHD diagnosis, brought new insight into both his and his father's experiences with adapting to challenges and burnout (02:10).

2. Memories of Eric's Father: Authenticity, Connection, and Optimism

• Eric recounts how his father Bert, visually impaired but extroverted, was loved for his genuine connection with people and optimism as a lifelong Chicago Cubs fan (03:27).
• “He could literally strike up a conversation with anyone—neighbors, nurses, total strangers.” (03:50)
• The ethos of a Cubs fan—hope and resilience even in adversity—mirrored his father’s approach to life (05:07).

3. The Problem with Saying "I'm Fine"

• No matter how serious life got, Eric’s dad always said he was “fine,” even when that wasn’t the case (07:17).
  • Memorable quote: “If you asked him how he was doing, the answer was always the same: ‘I’m fine.’ Sometimes with a straight face, sometimes with a smirk and that twinkle in his eye. But always, ‘I’m fine.’ Even when he wasn’t.” (07:39)
• Eric describes how this mindset—stubbornness, determination, and the habit of masking struggles—parallels common behaviors in ADHD and autism, where masking can prevent seeking help and adaptation (09:41).

4. Masking in ADHD and Autism

• Defining Masking: Downplaying struggles and presenting as "fine" to the outside world, often at a personal cost (09:53).
  • Notable insight: “Masking is when we downplay that struggle. We act like we got it all handled and tell the world, ‘I’m fine.’ Sometimes it helps us get through, but often at a cost, because if all we ever say is, ‘I’m fine,’ then we never ask for help. We never adapt. We never find new ways to go forward.” (10:12)
• Eric stresses how this tendency can keep people stuck, unable to access support that would allow them to thrive.

5. Letting Go of Resistance and Embracing Help

• The Trike Story (12:09): Eric bought his dad an adult tricycle when Bert could no longer ride a regular bike. Initially resistant—equating acceptance of the trike with giving up—Bert eventually found freedom, independence, and joy in this adaptation.
• The Move to Senior Living (14:04): Again, initial resistance gave way to joy and community as his father became “the mayor” at Gidwitz senior living facility, turning isolation at home into meaningful social connection.
• Key Pattern: Resistance, acceptance, and then life opening back up (15:02).

6. Legacy and Lessons Learned

• Eric draws parallels between his father's journey and his own navigation of neurodivergence.
  • “Determination alone isn’t enough. Pretending to be fine isn’t enough. We have to adapt. We have to ask for help.” (17:12)
• Reflection on how community, structure, and support are essential to thriving, especially for those with ADHD or autism (18:40).
• Quote from College Professor: “‘Fine’ is an acronym for fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and evasive.” (20:06)

7. Encouragement to the Listener

• Eric invites listeners to reflect: Where are you saying “I’m fine” when you’re not? What might be possible if you stopped masking and started adapting?
• Advocates for the life-changing value of ADHD community and support by sharing his own growth and how group coaching is inspired by lessons from his father’s life (22:01).

Notable Moments & Quotes

• “Sometimes the things we resist most fiercely are the very things that not only help us keep living, but really help us thrive and bring joy and meaning to life.” (16:50)
• “We don’t get to live life as we wish it were. We can only meet life as it is. And then we choose how to respond.” (18:57)
• “Pretending to be fine isn’t enough. We have to adapt. We have to ask for help when we build structures and communities that work with our brains instead of against them.” (17:20)
• “My dad may not have always been fine, but he really was a really, really fine man. And I’m grateful to have been his son.” (21:06)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:56 — Eric shares news of his father’s recent passing and introduction to the episode’s theme
• 02:10 — Eric’s dual diagnosis (ADHD and autism), burnout, and the need for adaptation
• 03:27-06:30 — Anecdotes about Eric’s dad: personality, interests, and lessons in optimism
• 07:17-09:41 — The recurring “I’m fine” response, masking struggles, and its impact
• 12:09 — The adult trike story: resistance and adaptation in action
• 14:04 — The move to Gidwitz senior living; finding connection in community
• 16:50 — Reflection on adaptation and resistance
• 20:06 — The “fine” acronym; challenge for listeners to reflect on their own masking
• 22:01-24:40 — Encouragement to seek help, join ADHD community, and legacy lessons

Tone & Language

The episode’s tone is heartfelt, honest, and encouraging, blending personal vulnerability with practical insight and humor—mirroring Eric’s authentic approach. He speaks conversationally, occasionally with a wry self-awareness, weaving together personal anecdotes, hard-won wisdom, and direct challenges for listeners to reconsider how they respond to adversity and community.

Final Reflection

Eric’s story serves as both a tribute to his father and a call to the ADHD (and broader neurodivergent) community: Masking and “toughing it out” can keep us stuck. Growth and joy come from honest assessment, seeking help, and adapting—especially with the support of others who understand.

Listener Takeaway

Core Questions from the Episode:

• Where in your life are you still saying “I’m fine” when you’re not?
• What might be possible if you stopped masking and started adapting?

For anyone seeking support, community, or coaching: Eric emphasizes the transformative value of connecting with others who “get it”—and that it’s always possible to move from “I’m fine” to truly thriving.