SHITSHOW SATURDAY #149 - Josh S.

Summary

Adult Child Podcast

Episode: SHITSHOW SATURDAY #149 - Josh S.
Host: Andrea
Guest: Josh S.
Date: April 12, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode of Adult Child dives into the lifelong reverberations of growing up in a dysfunctional family system. Host Andrea welcomes listener and community member Josh S. for a raw, vulnerable conversation about complex trauma, codependency, generational pain, and the struggle to move toward genuine healing and self-compassion. Josh shares deeply about his family’s battles with mental illness, his own experience of dissociation and loss, and the journey from religious traditions of spiritual bypassing to integrating trauma-informed approaches like IFS and parts work.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Finding the “Shit Show” Community and Value in Confessional Spaces

• Josh discovered the podcast through a friend and immediately resonated with the open, confessional nature of the community.
  • “I just have a high value for confessional communities. ...Living in spaces where it’s safe to share without judgment or consequence, you know, you just show up as you are, and you share.” (00:33 – 00:54)

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Light-Hearted Icebreakers

• Fun banter about what song to enter a room to, favorite carb (baked potato with queso), and condiment aversions—especially Josh’s noted dislike of ketchup.

  • Host: “We know you love ketchup.”
  • Josh: “No ketchup, please… There’s no part of me that likes ketchup.” (03:22–03:39)

• Josh points to picky eating as a combination of sensory sensitivity and an assertion of rebellious autonomy in the face of family pressure.

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Early Realization of Family Dysfunction and Impact

• Josh’s journey of recognition started in college while reading counseling textbooks.
  • “I realized, like, a lot of the reason why I wanted to…do that route [counseling] was because I wanted to influence people and have…people experience the kind of connection that I felt with music or worship and connection to God specifically.” (07:00–07:30)
• He describes the physical toll of trauma—shutting down, dissociation, somatic symptoms.
  • “My body shut down on me and I was extremely dissociated, like living in the third person and a lot of crazy symptoms and also just this chronic rejection, complex victim complex.” (08:01–08:28)
• Began to notice how the roots of these issues stretched back long before the “obvious” traumas of parental loss and chaos.

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Trauma and Spirituality: Breakdown and Bypassing

• The trauma of Josh’s parents’ mental illness, mother’s hospitalizations, father’s dissociation, and brother’s addiction—loss and loneliness were constants.
• Profound dissociation after his father’s tragic, unexpected death. Emotional numbing was followed by periodic emotional release especially in spiritual settings.
  • “I like couldn’t feel anything for like six months. ...Then I was sitting in a worship service and I felt the presence of God again. ...had like a whole like scream cry thing.” (15:02–15:35)
• Wrestling with spiritual bypassing: striving for connection with God as an emotional escape.
  • “It’s kind of a way of, like, spiritually bypassing. ...I learned that later on.” (10:49–10:59)
  • “I was so entrenched in that, you know, I gotta live righteously lifestyle and live what God would want me to do. But there was a lot of shame in that.” (14:19–14:33)

[Notable Moment: The “Severing”]

• Josh describes sensing a “severing” with God at the precise time his mother was institutionalized (11:05–12:09)
  • “There was, like, nothing. It was like a severing. ...I just couldn’t connect with him. ...I think that severing was that moment that I sensed, which is kind of crazy, but I’ve just always been, like, empathic like that.” (11:50–12:09)

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The Aftershocks: Codependency and Harmful Relationship Patterns

• Describes intense codependency in a post-high school relationship, influenced by unhealthy ministry leadership.
  • “They did not want me and her together...very spiritual, abusive, very controlling...almost like a pawn in their game.” (17:41–18:26)
  • Shaming messages, “You need to grow up, Josh. You’re immature, you’re insecure, you’re not good enough for her...” (18:36–20:18)
  • Internalized message: “I’m bad, I have to fix me.”

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Evolution of Faith & Healing: From Shame to Compassion

• Identifies the damage caused by Western Christian focus on sin and darkness, reframes faith toward innate goodness:
  • “We were actually never designed to look at our evil or our shame or the things that are bad within us and others. [We’re] actually designed to only experience the good.” (20:51–21:05)
  • Profound relief in realizing the “shame message” wasn't from God.

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The Embodied Impact of Trauma

• Traumatic seasons led to a physical inability to feel positive emotions; describes living as a “blob,” observing himself rather than living (22:13–23:21).
  • “To not feel is...to live a life worth—not worth living. ...I’ve had to fight for my body back, had to fight for sensations and emotions back...even if it’s sad, ...I can’t and I won’t go back to not feeling. That’s torture.” (22:13–23:31)

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Transitioning From Spiritual Bypassing to Trauma-Informed Healing

• Spiritual experiences alone were not enough; needed a trauma approach (25:17–26:47).
  • “My heart posture and it wasn’t helpful, you know, looking to those experiences to heal me. ...When I encountered God in the most genuine way, he looks back and goes to a place of brokenness inside of me.” (25:28–26:25)
• Deconstructed prior beliefs in last few years, created space for his OWN beliefs and experiences.

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Therapeutic Modalities: IFS, Parts Work, and Splankna

• Discovered Internal Family Systems (IFS) through a podcast and became involved in group therapy (27:52–30:13).
  • “IFS...treating people, different parts of people with the utmost respect and honor and believing that each person has the innate ability to heal.” (31:28–32:12)
• Tried Splankna, an integrative energy-oriented therapy, after feeling haunted by baby cries—realizing deeper, pre-verbal wounds needed attention (28:09–29:07).

[Notable Quote]

• “I think it’s one of the biggest lies in the world to believe that we’re depraved, you know, that we are not…I think we look a lot more like God than we look like sin.” (32:22–32:39)

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Family System, Generational Trauma, and Details of Upbringing

• Both parents carried significant unresolved trauma and mental illness:
  • “Both of them didn’t know how to look at their own shit and very much avoided it and spiritually bypassed everything.” (33:47–34:09)
  • Recounts manic and psychotic episodes, being the child who had to call 911 (36:34–36:59)
• Intergenerational patterns: Josh’s grandparents were also abusive or emotionally neglectful (37:24–38:11).

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Where Josh is Now: Living into Healing & Hope

• Expresses gratitude for evolving from fundamentalist faith to a personal, dynamic relationship with God.

  • “I get really sad when I see that happen and people turn away from God...I just see him as like the best friend, you know, the best kind of person you’d want around...” (39:21–39:50)
  • “I feel proud of myself that I’ve had the cajones to go there with God. ...There’s a joy there and a humanity there I feel with God...What if it could just be that simple?” (39:52–40:47)

• Current work:

  • Focusing on building a life he wants, shifting from a fixation on “fixing” himself to planting seeds of joy and happiness (40:51–42:15)
    • “The most beneficial thing for me in this season...is to focus on the good and focus on building a life that I want to live and forcing myself to smile, because I know that will help me feel more joyful.” (41:57–42:15)
  • Using tapping and somatic techniques to increase joy and allow positive feelings.

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Hopes and Dreams for the Future

• Desires to develop a homestead or healing commune to offer a safe space for those dealing with mental illness—especially youth.
  • “It’s been a dream of mine too, like, what would it look like...to have a safe place for people that are mentally ill, kids or adults...” (45:01–46:16)
  • Combines desire for community living with insight into effective, nutritional, root-cause approaches to healing.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Trauma isn’t what happens to you, it’s what you’re left with.” – Josh (12:35)
• “I would have to shake for hours before I could sleep at night because of all the, like, survival energy just pulsing in my system. I couldn’t feel positive emotions...It was like I had a constant headache in my body.” – Josh (21:52–22:13)
• “You’re speaking your truth.” – Host Andrea (33:06)
• “I feel like I just had that shift too of like let’s, let’s like focus on abundance and like joy and fun and let’s start living life…and from the standpoint of like money’s coming, good things are coming...” – Host Andrea (43:01–43:14)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:33–00:54: Josh on the value of confessional community
• 07:00–08:30: Recognition of dysfunctional family patterns
• 11:05–12:09: Sensing parental crisis spiritually—“the severing” moment
• 14:19–15:35: High school trauma, emotional numbing, and spiritual outlets
• 17:41–18:26: Codependency in relationships and spiritual abuse
• 20:51–21:05: Reframing faith toward goodness over shame
• 22:13–23:31: Living in dissociation and reclaiming feeling
• 27:52–30:13: Discovery of IFS and parts work
• 33:47–34:09: Generational patterns and parental avoidance
• 39:21–39:50: Evolving into a new relationship with God
• 41:57–42:15: Focus on building a new life and cultivating joy
• 45:01–46:16: Dream of a healing community for mental illness

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Conclusion

This episode is a powerful testament to the messy complexity and hope of healing from dysfunction and trauma. Josh’s honesty about pain, loss, faith, therapy, and building new dreams will resonate deeply with anyone growing up as an “adult child”—striving for authenticity, joy, and connection after survival.

Transcript

[Host]

Welcome back to Shit Show. Saturday we have Shit Show. Josh, welcome.

[Josh]

Hi.

[Host]

Hi. How long has it been now? A year.

[Josh]

I think it's like, almost nine months.

[Host]

Oh, wow. Feels like it's been forever.

[Josh]

I know.

[Host]

You found out about it from Jesse, right?

[Josh]

Yeah, I met him in a. Online. It's like a. It was like. We actually use many networks as well. An ifs, group therapy. It was like, you know, I think it was eight months or something. And we did a part one, Part two. I think he was just there for the part two. And, yeah, I just really connected with him and another guy in the. We started doing, like, work on our own outside of that. And then he introduced me to the Shit show. And one. One thing that really resonated with me about the Shit show was that there's. I just have a high value for confessional communities. So that's like living in spaces where it's safe to share without judgment or, you know, consequence. You know, you just show up as you are, and you share one reason. I really like, you know, the. The AA model or models like that, where you come and you just share openly. Yeah. So I was just like. And I liked. I listened to some episodes. I was like, I got to get in that shit, you know?

[Host]

Shit. Give me that.

[Josh]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Host]

Okay, so what song do you want played when you walk into a room?

[Josh]

Okay. In honor of my inner teenager, foul up by some 41.

[Host]

Oh, nice.

[Josh]

Yeah, that was funny enough that that was the song. Like, whenever I would go bowling, I think I started doing it to the places, too. Or if I was like. I skateboarded in high school, so I would, like. I would start playing that chorus of my. Or like, you know, like, it would get me in like that.

[Host]

Like a bowling.

[Josh]

No, like, seriously, I would get turkeys. Whenever I would do that. Like, I'd get it, like this vibe in the zone. Yeah. Like, I was looking at this elevated state in my mind that just put me on, like, Cloud 9. I don't know what it is about that song or that. That riff with the guitar, but.

[Host]

Did you used to play Tony Hawk, Pro Skater four?

[Josh]

Oh, hell yeah. Well, not four. I mean, not four. Probably one and two.

[Host]

Yeah, I played four. I think it was fun. I was good at that PlayStation, man. Good old PlayStation. Okay, so what's your favorite carbohydrate?

[Josh]

I'd say a baked potato with cheese.

[Host]

Okay. Is it. Are you gonna have anything else on it or just cheese?

[Josh]

Just cheat. I'm a plain kind of guy, you know?

[Host]

Yeah, well, I Didn't.

[Josh]

Remember, we don't like the condom.

[Host]

I know.

[Josh]

Much as much.

[Host]

Cheese. What kind of cheese?

[Josh]

Cheese dip.

[Host]

Like queso?

[Josh]

Yeah, like queso. Like, I could eat that every day.

[Host]

You could bathe in it.

[Josh]

Oh, yeah. I mean, okay.

[Host]

And we know you. We know you love ketchup.

[Josh]

No. No ketchup, please. I say we now a lot because of, like, the ifs work I've done.

[Host]

There's a part of there that you haven't connected with yet that loves ketchup.

[Josh]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Part of me likes ketchup.

[Host]

Did you have a bad experience with ketchup?

[Josh]

You know, I thought about this. I mean, I think. I know that picky eating is oftentimes an outlier from. Or, you know, it's caused by sensory sensitivity, specifically oral sensitivity. Right. And I know that I had those issues as a kid, and so. But I think how my dad and my brother specifically treated me around those things, like, why aren't you trying this? Why aren't you eating this? Part of me was like, you, I'm gonna do my own thing, you know? Like, don't tell me what to do. Don't tell me I should. I should eat. Like, I'm gonna eat what I want to eat, you know, not because you told me to eat it. So there's definitely some, like, rebellion in there around, like. No, I'm gonna, like, why would I eat something that I. I don't, like, I don't understand. Like, I'm gonna. I'm gonna be open about what I'm gonna be open about eating, and you're not gonna tell me what I want to eat or don't want to eat. Thank you.

[Host]

You weren't, like, traumatized by watching that movie Big Daddy with Adam Sandler when the kid, like, only ate the ketchup. Remember that?

[Josh]

No, no. I, I. I only remember one memory of, like, you know, trying to try. I, like, I think I even tried to, like, honey mustard, and I ate it for a little bit, and then I realized I'm only enjoying this because I'm enjoying feeling kind of normal. It not because I genuinely like this. Like, I was trying to like it more than I actually liked it. And I was like.

[Host]

You were liking that? You thought that you liked it?

[Josh]

Yeah. Well, it was like. Like, I like the sense that I wasn't being shamed anymore. Like, my. My brother and my dad would always shame me around, like, not eating certain foods, so.

[Host]

Well, I just want people to know that you are welcome in this Community. If you don't like ketchup. But we only have a few spots available for you. Take five at a time, maybe two. What condiment do you like if you had to pick one?

[Josh]

I really enjoy.

[Host]

You like air, huh? Air.

[Josh]

Air is probably my favorite condiment. My friends make fun of me. They're like, bro. Bro. Raw dogs, hot dogs. I. I just. I eat hot dogs plain. And they think that's insane. But I just. I don't know. I just like plain hot dogs. I really like barbecue sauce and steak sauce.

[Host]

Okay.

[Josh]

And I'll put those on. A lot of things. Not everything, obviously, because that would be crazy. But like, I like. I like for my fries, I like a one or. Or barbecue sauce.

[Host]

Are you like a sweet barbecue guy, Sauce guy or a vinegary.

[Josh]

Yeah, I got a heavy sweet tooth. If I'm feeling a little bit more sophisticated, I'll have somebody else.

[Host]

Okay. So how did you find out you.

[Josh]

Were an adult child after lots of seasons of denial and stuffing? It was actually, I think I was in college, and I was, like, confused as to what to do with my life because I was really wanting to get into, like, production, like, recording. Recording and like, live sound. My dad did that sometimes, and I really enjoyed that. And I went to a school that had communication, mass communication specifically, but it wasn't geared towards that. And I was like, I don't know if I really. And a couple of my close friends were counseling majors, and I started reading a couple of their books, and I was just like. That they had for class. And I was like, this actually feels a lot more like me. And I realized, like, a lot of the reason why I wanted to. To do that route was because I wanted to influence people and have. Have people experience the kind of connection that I felt with music or worship and the connection to God specifically. And I was like, I just feel like I would do so much better in interpersonal spaces. Like, that's actually feels like more what.

[Host]

I'm going to do or.

[Josh]

Yeah, more my jam. And. And as I did that, I was just like, kind of realizing, like, oh, shit, like, these books are like what my family was like, you know, like the things that they're writing about. And it was just kind of like some aha. Moments in that. And then over the next few years, it kind of unraveled, like, in different ways. I just started to see the impact that, yeah, my dysfunctional family had had on me because of what I was left with. And I think I noticed that pretty in a big way. Like, my Body shut down on me and I was extremely dissociated, like living in the third person and a lot of crazy symptoms and also just this like chronic rejection, complex victim complex. And I think, I think that I tied it to. Because I had such a chaotic high school experience that I thought it was in my. My dad passed and my mother was like basically permanently institutionalized and my brother was like in and out of jail and homeless and all this kind of crazy shit. And I was just off of college, you know, And I just thought at the moment that it was maybe just all of those things. But I started to peel back the layers. I realized it was actually, it started a lot earlier than that.

[Host]

Had you did. Had you ever been in therapy before, like, prior to having those realizations?

[Josh]

No, you know, like my form of therapy was. Was church. Yeah. Was God. And because my parents didn't really believe as much in that, like the Jesus Bible were more sufficient for those things. Right. But you know, there's a cultural thing.

[Host]

Absolutely.

[Josh]

In the. I think maybe in. In the south specifically that rejects, you know, counseling or psychotherapy.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Being a bad thing should be sufficient for you.

[Host]

Absolutely.

[Josh]

Sure. Yeah.

[Host]

And so was for the. With like the physical symptoms and the body stuff, like, did it come on gradually or did it hit you like a truck?

[Josh]

Okay. So the first time that I noticed it was after my dad died.

[Host]

You were how old?

[Josh]

This. I was 17. So there was like this. Actually. This is so weird. I think I've always felt a deep connection to God. And there was a moment when I was in. I was in Brazil. And like those two years building up to that were like so filled with. I don't know, like there's these moments of. I just knew that there was. Because I. I think there was a lot of wrestling within me in middle school and a lot of yearning to connect with God and experience him in tangible ways. And I start to actually experience those very viscerally. Like a few come to mind. Like where, like it felt like I couldn't even feel my body look in a good way. Just like Zen, you know, just like I feel like I'm in heaven. Like I'm on cloud nine. Like there's something like I'm on drugs. Like it's. It feels so good. Like it's hard to even describe it. The, the amount of like Zen peace that I felt typically after like these really intimate, you know, worship times on retreats and things. But I just knew that there was God. And I. I was like kind of probably in like a Firefighter way. Just kept trying to replicate that and look for that, you know, like, this is going to heal me, which really is kind of a way of, like, spiritually bypassing. But I learned that later on. But when I was. Yeah, when I was in Brazil, I was, like, seeking that connection again and again, you know, and kept feeling that and feeling connected to God. And then all of a sudden, it was just like a moment, and there was, like, nothing. It was like a severing. And I was just like, what the just happened? Like, where'd God go? And I just couldn't connect with him. And then I. And then I got back, I came to the airport, and it was just my dad and, like, my mom wasn't there. And he told me that my mom had gone in institutional or she. She sent to the psych ward because you have a manic episode. And I think that that severing was that moment that I sensed, which is kind of crazy, but I've just always been, like, empathic like that. Like, I could. And it's just really interesting, and I don't know what to do with that.

[Host]

But it's just like, I'm the same way with my mom.

[Josh]

Just noticed. Yeah, we have, like, sensors. And I had that from my brother a lot. Like, I. I always knew when he had alcohol or drugs in the house or, you know, anything. Like, I just felt it. I knew he was up to some, you know, and that kind of internal compass got really. That I had always kind of led my life with got really disrupted. And I think that was probably the most, like. Because trauma isn't what happens to you, so you're left with. Right. Like. And I think that I lost a lot of my internal compassing due to all these events that happened. But there was another, you know, it was like, that happened. And then my mom, throughout my high school experience, was in and out of the hospital. Like, if she was in the hospital, she was, because she was manic and couldn't be managed. And if she was home, she was, like, zonked out on, you know, meds. Heavy meds that were sedating her. So, like, heavy depression. Right. And so then my brother's in the house doing drugs and sleeping around and doing whatever, you know, and my dad's just sitting there on his laptop during the work and basically dissociated out of his mind, not knowing what to do. And I'm just here, like, trying to be a good kid and not disrupt everything. And there was a lot of loneliness in that time, and it Was just kind of like events just kept building. Like I had always played baseball and then I like stopped because I couldn't handle the emotions of it. Like, feeling. Yeah, there was just a lot and like, just so much loss. And I feel like I lost my best friends too because they went that route of like sleeping around and rock and roll, you know, and like, I couldn't go there, especially after my like. My what?

[Host]

Rock and roll?

[Josh]

Yeah, you know? You know what I mean? The rock and roll lifestyle. I think it probably would have been good for me to like, you know, let loose a little bit. But I was so entrenched in that, you know, I gotta live righteously lifestyle and live what God would want me to do. But there was a lot of shame in that. But by the time that my dad.

[Host]

Passed and was that unexpected?

[Josh]

Yeah, it was a pretty tragic event. I won't go into the details of it, but unexpected. But it was because of his mental illness that led to that. And it was like. It kind of was like the nail in the coffin of my emotions. I just couldn't. I had to force myself to cry when he died. I couldn't feel it. It's still hard for me to feel that.

[Host]

And that's when you were 17?

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Host]

So you're a senior in high school.

[Josh]

Yeah, I think. And it was. I think maybe the hardest part is like, I want to care, but like my heart had already turned off towards him because it was so disconnected from me. Like, he chose to kind of deal with things in his own way and kind of just didn't show up for me when I really needed to. And I can like sit back and I can realize all the things that were coming up for him and all the things he had to manage. But like, that didn't change the fact that like you kind of forgot that you had a kid there too in the house that really needed you. So just a lot of. A lot of pain in that season. So I like couldn't feel anything for like six months. Like just couldn't feel emotions and. And then I was sitting in a worship service and I felt the presence of God again. And then I like just melted. I like had like a whole like scream cry thing. And that. That's. That's been kind of a trend or was a trend for a while. Like I couldn't feel. And then I would feel the presence of God again and I would dragon. And so God kind of became my safe place to process all the that happened. But I think he also got a lot of the anger, a lot of the rage, because I think I look to him for everything but circling back. So when I. You're talking about the body things. I got back from another mission trip, so it seems like the backside of mission trips are fucked for me. So I got back from mission trip and the girl I was, I'd been dating, we were best friends for a couple years and then we dated for almost a year. And I was planning on marrying her. Like, I had. I couldn't see the levels of like, codependency and like, you know, it wasn't a good relationship, but I thought that it was. But it didn't change the fact again, that, like, there was a deep felt connection with her, that losing her also meant losing, like, the life that I envisioned with her and the things that I wanted to do with her. Like, there was a lot invested in that. And it felt like I lost my dad again. And on top of that was like all the ways. I didn't know this, but they like the mission organization, they didn't want me and her together. And so they. One of the leaders brought me on just to test run me to see if we would be. If I would be good enough for her.

[Host]

Is she like, heavily involved in it?

[Josh]

Yeah, yeah, she was like a core part of their leadership. And so even after meeting me like she was, and she told me this later, like, my ex girlfriend told me that, like, she was trying to break us up the whole summer that summer that we. We were over there and so where were you? I was in China, in Japan and. Which is just so backwards, you know, it's very spiritual, abusive, very controlling. The way they handled it and the way they treated me was very like a. Almost like a pawn, you know, in their game. And I, I just left. That's. And. And she, like one of the leaders suggested we break up. And she did. And.

[Host]

And I was just like, yeah, very culty.

[Josh]

It was very culty, Very culty. And it took me a long time to really understand those dynamics. Like, I just took it as I messed up. I fucked up. I'm bad.

[Host]

You're the problem.

[Josh]

I'm the problem. I have to, I have to fix this. I have to fix me. Because the message I got was, you need to grow up, Josh. You're immature, you're insecure, you're not good enough for her, so you need. You have work to do, you know? And that was an immense, immense amount of pressure that I felt to change because there was still the dream of us getting back together. And so, like, I. I, like, thrust myself into this season of, like, I'm gonna work on myself and become better and, like, basically search the depths of my soul to, like, become better. And this is. I get so, like, fierce around the love of God versus, like, the. This complete misconception of who I believed God is. I get so mad. I get so mad. I. I thought that that was God telling me to get my straight and, like, all these messages of, like, shame and, you know, like, search my heart of God, like, see all the wickedness inside of me, you know, like. And it was just in the last few years, like, the Lord I was looking back on that season, and I just. I just kept hearing God just kind of whisper these kind of, like, you know, questions like, who told you to do that? Like, who told you to look at the darkness inside of you? Who told you to look at the dark? And he's like, that wasn't me. And I was just like, what? It was really a mind. Because I just. I think I've spent so much of my life looking for what's bad because I think that's what, you know, Western Christianity taught me to do, was to look at everyone's sin and call it out. So we all change. And I just really felt that we weren't designed to do that. We were actually never designed to look at our evil or our shame or the things that are bad with Oster and others were actually designed to only experience the good and look at the good. And it was so, I think, relieving for my soul to feel that and hear that, like, actually look at and know that that wasn't God that was doing that in me. But I think that. I think I felt such betrayal with God in that, too, in that season, because I feel like he turned his back on me. You know, like, if this is the voice of God, these people. Because I think at that point, like, I had equated these authority figures with the voice of God, then that means that I'm, like, up, and I'm like, you know, all these negative I am statements. Right. I put so much weight in their voices over my life that.

[Host]

Hmm.

[Josh]

Yeah, I.

[Host]

That's why religion can be so damaging.

[Josh]

Yeah. I don't know how to describe how bad that season was without just saying, like, I would never wish that anybody. Like, anybody. It was so painful. I mean, like, I was. I mean, I'd have nightmares, demonic dreams at night. I would have to shake for hours before I could sleep at night because of all the, like, survival energy. Just pulsing in my system. I couldn't feel positive emotions. Like, it just. It was like I had a constant headache in my body.

[Host]

When was that?

[Josh]

So that was it. Just kind of. I think it started right when I got back from China, Japan, and then.

[Host]

How many years ago? I'm asking.

[Josh]

13? 14?

[Host]

Okay.

[Josh]

I still feel the impact of it today. I still don't have my body back how I want, which is fucking hard to say and hard to look at and hard that it's, like, not better, but it's. It's better than what it was. And it's. It's better, I think, you know, in different ways every year. Yeah. Yeah, it's hard. It's hard to even, like, put a finger, I guess, to help people understand what that is or what that's like. Like when you watch a movie, you know, like, you can. You can feel the highs and lows. Like, you get goosebumps. Like, you know, like, you get pulled in. In that season. I would watch a movie and I would feel nothing. Like, I couldn't connect with it. Like, I couldn't connect. And that wasn't just movies. That was in my whole life, you know, it was like. There was just. It was like I was moving, like this, like, blob, you know? But it wasn't like I was in it. I was observing myself doing that. You know, it was just, like, crazy. To not feel is. To, like, live a life worth. Not worth living. And so I think a part of that is I. I've. I've had to fight for my body back. I've had to fight for sensations and emotions back. Like. And I'm like, you know, even if it's sad, you know, like, it. Bring it on, you know, because, like, I can't. I can't. And I won't go back to not feeling. That's. That's torture. Yeah, it really did feel like torture. That was a. I was trapped.

[Host]

Look.

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[Host]

There a moment when you realized that I'd been like, spiritually bypassing and I need to go about this from like more of a trauma approach, like a trauma healing approach.

[Josh]

I mean, I went that route for a long time, the spiritual bypass route, like looking, basically looking to God to like, feel better because I had had those experiences, right? Feeling God. And if I felt better because I was feeling God, so like, that must be the solution. But I mean, I was in that route for years. Pretty hyper charismatic Pentecostal stuff. And I still think that there's truth and reality to what I experienced. But my heart posture and it wasn't helpful, you know, looking to those experiences to heal me. I needed to. And I felt like whenever I encountered like genuine God, like he would. It's. It's kind of how Dick describes self. Yeah, like self won't let. Won't view brokenness and bypass it or look past, you know, self turns back to the exiles or the broken parts of ourselves. And I think too, when I encounter God in the most genuine way, he looks back and goes to a place of brokenness inside of me and. Sorry, I got caught up in your question.

[Host]

No, I was just asking when was it when you real. When you broke out of that and realized that you had to kind of take more of a traditional not, you know what I mean, trauma.

[Josh]

It was really unfortunate because it was like it had to run its course, which is, you know, like people that are caught in spiritual bypassing, like, you can't tell them. It's so tricky you can't. You can't tell them that they're doing that and on some level, or it completely. The whole house crumbles, you know, because that's. They've basically built their whole house on this being the thing. And so, like, to say that those things weren't God, were to be that, like, you know, like, that God isn't real and I'm making all this up and, like, why am I even living? You know? And so I think it was. Yeah, like, I just had to kind of. So to answer your question around timing, I mean, I think it was probably just in the last few years, really, that I kind of came out of that I had, like, this past couple years, I had to do a lot of, like, kind of deconstructing of those seasons and really feeling at, like, what do I actually believe? Not just what I've been taught to believe, and what. What actually feels good when I think about God and theology and all those things. Yeah, man.

[Host]

How did you discover ifs?

[Josh]

I. I had known about parts work before, but not specifically ifs. So I started doing parts work when I did the energy work that I do now. And, like, it was so weird. Like, it would kind of happen naturally, kind of like what people talk about.

[Host]

Like, God was, how did you discover the energy work?

[Josh]

So, funny thing, when I was, you know, in that season, after college or, I mean, after the mission trip, I couldn't feel anything, right? Except for when I got around infants and they're crying and I would start to feel something. It's insane. And, like, I would. Like, in the space that I would usually hear God, I started hearing baby cries. And I was like, what the God. Like, you're not talking to me, but I hear baby cries. Like, the. I was so mad. I was. I was so mad. I'm like, you're literally just like, what is it about babies? And. And then I found out about this protocol that I do, and I found out they did it in the womb work. And I was like, okay. So I went and I went to the practitioner. I said, I feel like I'm crazy, but God's only talking me through baby cries. I feel like he's telling me to do in the womb work. And that. And that was the first time I did a session with the energy work I do was in the womb.

[Host]

What's it called?

[Josh]

Splunk. Now.

[Host]

Sponkna.

[Josh]

Splunk Now. So we. If you know. So we use eft elements of. EFT elements of emdr. But the main therapy, it's based off of are the modality is met. So neuro emotional technique. So there's like specific algorithms and so it's, I mean we're using the meridian system in the body, which is what acupuncturist, chiropractic, lot of different, more Eastern approaches work with. So. But yeah, so it, it really opened that, that moment opened the door to realize oh like what God was telling me in that moment was like it didn't start here, but you know, like it started way sooner than this and it's been building for a long time and we have a long time to look at that. So yeah, there was something else that you asked.

[Host]

It's about ifs and parts work.

[Josh]

Ifs. Yeah, yeah, so sorry. I did parts work through Splancna and then ifs. I, I think I learned about it a bit in college, but obviously I didn't get it because I would have like, if I'd have really got it back then, like I think that probably would have changed the directive of my life. But I learned, I think, yeah, there was a podcast called Become Good Soil. It's attached to like the Wild Heart Network, which is big in the, you know, Christian movement I think. But it, and they did a, they did a series on parts. They did a six part series on a podcast on, on parts work on ifs. And the counselor that came on to talk about those kinds of things was my counselor that I got involved with. I reached out to him and got a part of this group and learned about more about ifs. And I was like, oh, this is so good. I feel like, yeah, I know like ifs, like I, I really like the, the ability to use it with different modalities and different approaches. Like it's, it's, it has a morphability to it. Like there's a probably for that, but it's. So I deeply resonate with a more of a humanistic approach to, to counseling, you know, client centered. And I think that that's one of, if not the best modality. Ifs is for treating people, different parts of people with the utmost respect and honor and believing that each person has the innate ability to heal. And I think that Dick does a really good job at facilitating that. And I think to me, ah, again, just like I think it's one of the biggest lies in the world to believe that we're, we're depraved, you know, that we are not. I think we look a lot more like God than we look like sin. And to look at the sin is to fall into the trap that the enemy set for us. We're not, we're not made to, you know, be stuck in sin and looking at sin and focused on sin all the time. That you know, we're made for beauty, we're made for love, we're made for desire, we're made for joy, we're made for heaven, you know. And yeah, I think the ifs just beautifully sees each person's dignity and holiness and purity and calls that out and I think that's so much more Christ like than what we currently do. So I know I keep talking spiritual things, but that's just so much of my history.

[Host]

It's beautiful. It's been. You're speaking your truth.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Host]

Do you have any relationship with your mom?

[Josh]

She passed as well.

[Host]

And was the mental illness always present?

[Josh]

Looking back, I can see yes. I think it wasn't as apparent to me because it was just what was normal to me. My mom on her best days was, you know, like a social butterfly. Everyone loved her, never met a stranger. Like she's chatting up everybody, you know, all the time. Like I hated going grocery shopping because mom's always going to talk. And my dad was very, I think on his best days was smartest, one of the smartest guys I've ever met. Very intuitive, very, very kind hearted. But both of them didn't know how to look at their own and very much avoided it and spiritually bypassed everything. So always going to church, always, you know, looking at scripture for everything and not really ever owning up to or very rarely owning up to like my issue and things or looking at hard things. And I think that that led to different moments that I remember where they would have, you know, breakdowns basically. There was like probably five or six big of those big ones in my childhood where they would have to get sent to a psych ward. Both of them different, different at different times. I think that they never had those moments together. It would always be one or the other. But I noticed, you know, looking back, like there was a steady mania to my mom and there was more of a steady, probably depression to my dad. But my mom would very much flip flop and my dad had more of a steady depression but would, you know, he'd get angry, you know, and he'd like. There was no tolerating any kind of talk back to my dad. And yeah, I mean there were some moments like my mom's like, you know, the first memory I have of that happening. I was probably six or seven at the time. Like, I. Like, I think we woke up, me and my brother, and we look in, open the door, because we hear screaming, you know, and my mom's, like, on. On the back of the bed, and my dad's like, 300 pounds. He's a big dude, and he's like, barely. And she's probably, like, 150, but she's, like, barely holding her down. And she's like, you're Satan. You're the devil. Like, just crazy screaming, you know, Like. And both of their manias turned into schizophrenic, you know, but it was always spiritual, you know, it was always like, heaven or hell or whatever. And just like, we. I mean, we had to, like, figure out, you know, we had to, like, go talk to our friends that were down the street and, like, call the. Call 91 1. Like, I was like. It was like, I'm not prepared for that. Six. Six years old, you know, like, just crazy. But it was moments like that, or my dad would be more like. He'd go off in the woods thinking he's hearing God, and then he'd come back with leaves all over him and, like, mud and, like, he was in the woods, you know, like, it just. Just like, not there, you know? Like. Like, my mom, I think, would just get mad, you know, it was like, all the things that she'd bottled by just trying to be this nice person. Like, all the anger that she never felt or would feel comfortable sharing would come out when she was manic. And then my dad would just, like. I don't know what would happen. Like, his eyes had, like, glossed over. It was crazy to witness. Like, it was like. It was like he wasn't there. He. Like, he's. It's just like there was nothing to his eyes. Like, before he died. That was one of the craziest things I've ever seen, was my. My dad's eyes were. Were blue, but it was like they turned white, and, like, there was no personality there. And I don't know if that was spiritual or, like, what, but it was one of the creepiest, craziest things I've ever seen. Or probably. Probably.

[Host]

He was a white walker. Did you go to Game of Thrones?

[Josh]

I mean, that might. Might be, like, the. One of the best things I could attribute it to. Yeah. Like, it's crazy. Yeah.

[Host]

Do you know much about their upbringings?

[Josh]

Yeah, I know my grandma, may she rest in peace, was very abusive to him and his siblings. He was the oldest of five, and I think he got the brunt of it, of her abuse. And then my mom, my grandma as well. It's interesting, both sides of the family moms were very abusive or like. I wouldn't say necessarily. My, my mom's mom was as a she, she just had really extreme forms of punishment, like silent treatment stuff. And yeah, she had a, she had her first, you know, I think episode late college. She had a bipolar or a manic episode.

[Host]

Your mom or your grandmother? Your mom.

[Josh]

Yeah. So. But I think both of them carried ways that they didn't know what to do with and couldn't, you know, look at. I tried to be there for my mom and she wouldn't look at any of her even like the counselor, I mean she was, it was like playing ping pong with the doctors, you know, like nobody could figure her out or like. And every, every different doctor is giving her different levels of medication and she's not one. She's never wanting to talk about her stuff. So we just gotta go with the meds. Right. You know, just gotta do some chemistry and brew the potions and you know, then we'll figure it out and then she'll be better. Right.

[Host]

Well, you've gone through so much and I do think it's really commendable and inspirational. Just I think that when people do kind of grow up in more fanatical type, have those fanatical type religious experiences to be able to come to know and have your own personal relationship with God. Because I think that people can go the other route. And so I think that that's really beautiful that you've been able to get there.

[Josh]

I get really sad when I see that happen and people turn away from God because I just see him as like the best friend, you know, the best kind of person you'd want around and to see how, how much, I guess misrepresentation, I feel like there is of God just seems so. It's just so sad to me and probably equally parts infuriating.

[Host]

Absolutely.

[Josh]

But yeah, I feel very thankful and I think proud of myself that I've had the cajones to go there with God. Like go toe to toe with him and be like bro, you for letting this happen and just to get engagement from him and not, you know, since his shying away from that, but actually like, like, you know, like almost like a brother in arms, like I got you. You know, like, let's duke it out, bro, let's go. You know, and like there's just that level. I don't know, I just. It feels like there's that brotherly love that I have with Jesus, that's like, yeah, you too. You know, like, I don't know. There's just, like. There's a joy there and a humanity there. I feel with God kind of demystifies things, and it's just like, what if it could just be that simple? Like a good friend. So.

[Host]

So what do you feel like you're focused on now? Just building a life.

[Josh]

Yeah. It's so interesting you say that. I mean, that's literally what I was thinking about today with God, because I was, like, really kind of stuck this past week and, like, thinking about again, kind of like, I'm 35, and I don't have this and I don't have that.

[Host]

You know, can't relate.

[Josh]

And then it's like, what do you want? What do you want? Let's create it together, you know, like, let's create it. And. And so. And then there was also. I can't remember the scripture, but, like, there was this time for, you know, for. For planting. And there's a time like, you don't worry about the weeds. You just plant. And I felt like that was more the. The energy that I was sensing from God is like, it's not. It's not time to worry about all the weeds. You're so focused on the weeds. You're not planting anything. Let's plant, you know, like, let's focus in on what you want and let's build it. But I think it's. It's my impulse to focus on the shit and fix the shit internally.

[Host]

Yep.

[Josh]

But I actually think the most beneficial for thing for me in the season, which is hard for me, is to focus on the good and focus on building a life that I want to live and forcing myself to smile, because I know that that will help me feel more joyful.

[Host]

You should see me like deer in headlights.

[Josh]

I'm naturally more melancholic. Right. It's. It's. It's an exercise for me to sit in joy. But I know that that's more of what I'm created for and who I really am at my core. And that's more of the burden that I carry in my life or the fatigue. And so, like, centering more into joy, centering more into desire, forcing myself to be excited for things and, like, working through that. Like, I do. I do tapping stuff and, like, tapping through the resistance of me being happy, you know, or the resistance to what I want. So it's a lot less focus on the negative, a lot more focus on like forward and the good things.

[Host]

I feel like I just had that shift too of like let's, let's like focus on abundance and like joy and fun and let's start living life. And from the standpoint of like money's coming, good things are coming and.

[Josh]

Yeah. I mean it's, it's, it's like manifesting. Right. Like the more religious part of me is like don't say that word. But like, you know, it's, it really. Energy, reality, to attraction and to, to call into yourself and call into your life the things that you want and deserve. Those things. Yeah. And deserve and are worthy of. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

[Host]

100. Yeah.

[Josh]

Oh yeah.

[Host]

Three things you like about yourself. I like your ketchup aversion.

[Josh]

No, I like, I like that I'm curious, although I'm curious. I like that I'm in some ways innocent or feel like pure, you know, I guess maybe childlike, maybe better language for that child. Like. And I like that I'm genuine.

[Host]

What if you're like, I like that one time that I thought I liked honey mustard.

[Josh]

I don't. I reject that memory at one time.

[Host]

Hope or dream for the future.

[Josh]

I really want like, like a homestead. Like, like kind of more on the lines of come to me, like people living together. Commune kind of thing.

[Host]

The show commune. Yeah.

[Josh]

Yeah. So, but, but living, living, living in communal, you know, in a communal way and having. Hosting like retreats or like, maybe even like having a. A building. So one thing. And I'm going along. Sorry. Thanks.

[Host]

Go for it.

[Josh]

But it. With the experience of seeing my mom depreciate within the system and I worked off and on for like six years in inpatient facilities for at risk youth. Just. God, it's so poorly handled. People don't know what to do with people that are mentally ill, you know, especially with the system, like in the government's really bad. Like private's better, but it's not a lot better. But like I know having like nutrition is huge and like they're not getting quality food, you know, and they're not looking at the root issues. It's mainly just prevention, you know, or survival. People alive. It's not really looking at the root of issues. And so it's. Since that time it's been a dream of mine too. Like, what would it look like? I don't know. I don't know what it would look like. I don't know how it would be funded. I have some ideas, but like the dream is to have a safe place for people that are mentally ill, kids or adults, I'm not sure which yet. But I think my heart love that just having a safe place to come and heal and get shit out and talk things through.

[Host]

Maybe a little bowling.

[Josh]

Huh?

[Host]

Maybe some bowling.

[Josh]

Yeah, some bowling. A man. Yeah. There's so much in my heart in that I think for kids.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Little guys. Yeah.

[Host]

This has been awesome, dude.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Host]

I love getting to know more about you. You're. I appreciate your all the vulnerability that you've shown up with and I think you've given all other people courage to do the same and just say it like it is. No sugar coating, no fronts, just your truth.

[Josh]

Thank you. Yeah, thank you. Appreciate what you're holding on to.

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