Podcast Summary: Adult Child – SHITSHOW SATURDAY #168
Episode Title: The Gaslighter In Your Head
Date: September 6, 2025
Host: Andrea
Main Theme: Exploring the internalized patterns of gaslighting among adult children from dysfunctional families and the journey toward self-validation, authenticity, and healing.
Episode Overview
This episode focuses on the concept of "self-gaslighting"—how individuals raised in dysfunctional, often narcissistic or alcoholic families internalize the voices of their abusers and minimize or question their own reality. Through candid group sharing, Andrea and several participants break down the nuances of internalized gaslighting, its impact on adult relationships and self-worth, and the slow, non-linear path to reclaiming one's truth. Listeners receive an intimate, unfiltered look into group members’ personal histories, healing strategies, and ongoing struggles with self-betrayal and toxic shame.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. What is Self-Gaslighting?
- Definition & Behaviors (00:14-04:01)
- Internalized self-doubt and minimizing of one's pain, learned from childhood gaslighting.
- Common patterns:
- Minimizing your pain: Downplaying trauma ("It wasn't that bad. Other people had it worse.").
- Questioning perception: Doubting reality and replaying events for validation.
- Invalidating emotions: Suppressing feelings by calling oneself "too sensitive."
- Blame shifting: Assuming responsibility for others' bad behavior.
- Rewriting abuse as love: Reinterpreting hurtful experiences as expressions of care or familial normalcy.
- Doubting intuition: Overriding gut instincts.
- Gaslighting progress: Questioning legitimacy of one's healing journey.
- Confusion about needs: Feeling "too much" for wanting basic respect.
- Quote – Facilitator (00:14):
"At the root, self gaslighting is internalized silencing. It's the child's defense mechanism."
- Healing begins with learning to validate oneself and listen to the inner child.
2. Raw Personal Stories of Internalized Gaslighting
Katie’s Story (04:05-07:49)
- Exemplifies internalized gaslighting and self-doubt:
- Parents' divorce was minimized; learned to present as "the good divorce kid."
- Only learned the truth behind the divorce as an adult.
- Detailed her "proof" of abuse in outline form because she couldn't believe herself ("Roman numeral one: financial abuse...").
- Still struggles to trust her needs for love and care.
- Quote – Katie (06:29):
"Bitch, like, it happened. It was bad. There's a reason every time you went home, you wanted to fucking throw up. Like, your body knows that this is poison. But I just couldn't believe myself."
- On needs (07:09):
"It's still so hard for me to know that my needs are reasonable."
Kristen’s Experience (07:49-13:29)
- Recognizing self-gaslighting patterns:
- Compared trauma to worse abuse in others to downplay her experience.
- Parental gaslighting with classic "it's not that bad" messages.
- Discusses exhausting mental replay of interactions and chronic indecision even over small things.
- Struggles with knowing and expressing her own needs and wants.
- Quote – Kristen (on recognizing abuse) (08:56):
"I will never forget the day that I realized that I was abused... sitting in that therapy session... because I didn't think it was that bad."
- On decision-making paralysis (13:09):
"I hate when my husband asks me what do I want for dinner... It's so much pressure, like just make a decision."
Participant 4: Growth & Self-Validation (13:29-20:54)
- Leaning into self-trust and learning patience in relationships:
- Describes improvements in life, celebrating sobriety, career, and personal growth.
- Learning not to shame self over perceived failings (e.g., missing a semester, blaming oneself).
- Experience of emotional triggers in a relationship and successfully communicating needs and responses.
- Quote – Participant 4 (18:04):
"I am loved in and of myself... I'm loved by my Community... Like, it's great to have (relationship labels), but I don't need it to function and survive."
- Demonstrates practical application of self-validation skills learned in recovery.
3. Family Systems, Narcissism, and Disconnection
Participant 1 on Narcissistic Families (20:54-24:11)
- The necessity for narcissists to gaslight to maintain control and perfection.
- Reflects on physical punishment re-framed as discipline; parent rationalized abuse as necessary.
- The personal journey of reconnecting mind and body ("beginning to understand gut feelings as flags").
- Quote – Participant 1 (22:29):
"It's almost like, vital for a narcissist to gaslight the people around them, because they have to believe that they're projecting a perfect image in all things at all times."
4. Patterns of Growing Up in Chaos
Participant 3: Gaslighting by Omission & Minimization (24:11-31:43)
- Childhood chaos was ignored; after fights, parents would act as if nothing happened.
- Even therapists sometimes minimized the abuse ("words were never said"); led her to self-gaslight.
- Chose partners resembling family dysfunction, ignoring gut feelings and telling herself "it's good enough."
- Struggled with and now challenges the standard advice that she "shouldn't always trust her intuition."
- Has found more self-compassion and authenticity who listening to her own feelings—"what matters is what I think and how I feel."
- Quote – Participant 3 (27:59):
"I've always known when it was right or wrong... but I spent so much time just not believing myself because I didn't want the truth to be the truth."
Participant 6: The Value of Community (31:43-36:57)
- Difficulty being authentic or feeling emotionally safe, even in marriage.
- Noted that the podcast community has become the place to feel authentic.
- Reflects on not being "fake," but always guarded.
- Therapist's validation—"it all makes complete sense"—helps counter self-blame.
- Quote – Participant 6 (34:42):
"It's really hard for me to be vulnerable. I don't trust a lot of people... But for the first time I feel... there is nothing wrong with me, but I can really, truly start to choose a different lane."
5. Specific Gaslighting Incidents & Healing
Participant 2: Childhood Exile & Shaming (36:57-39:57)
- Sent away as a "bad kid"—blamed, shamed, compared to an absent, imprisoned father.
- Internalized messages of inherent badness; later realized as an adult, "I was fucking nine... you shipped me away."
- Positive reconnection with her aunt, reflecting on the better environment and support.
- Quote – Participant 2 (38:57):
"I was fucking nine. You just had another child, ok? ... You shipped me away then got pissed off when I didn't want to come home..."
Participant 5: Conditional Love and Self-Abandonment (39:57-end)
- Shared how love consistently felt conditional, and how she made excuses for absent or neglectful partners and parents.
- Acknowledges pattern of self-abandonment and begins owning her story.
- Accepts that her relationship with her mother will never meet "normal" expectations, but that’s okay.
- Quote – Participant 5 (41:35):
"I feel like I've been giving people the advice that I should be giving myself. Like, rejection is... redirection, and it's like the trash took itself out."
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- Facilitator (00:14):
"At the root, self gaslighting is internalized silencing. It's the child's defense mechanism... In adulthood, it turns into chronic self betrayal."
- Katie (06:29):
"Bitch, like, it happened. It was bad. There's a reason every time you went home, you wanted to fucking throw up. Like, your body knows that this is poison. But I just couldn't believe myself."
- Kristen (08:56):
"I will never forget the day that I realized that I was abused... sitting in that therapy session."
- Participant 4 (18:04):
"I am loved in and of myself... Like, it's great to have [relationship labels], but I don't need it to function and survive."
- Participant 1 (22:29):
"It's almost like, vital for a narcissist to gaslight the people around them, because they have to believe that they're projecting a perfect image in all things at all times."
- Participant 3 (27:59):
"I've always known when it was right or wrong... but I spent so much time just not believing myself because I didn't want the truth to be the truth."
- Participant 6 (34:42):
"But for the first time I feel... there is nothing wrong with me, but I can really, truly start to choose a different lane."
- Participant 5 (41:35):
"I feel like I've been giving people the advice that I should be giving myself."
Timestamps of Key Segments
- 00:14 – 04:01: Introduction to Self-Gaslighting: Signs & Patterns
- 04:05 – 07:49: Katie on Growing Up Minimizing Pain, Family Secrets, and Self-Doubt
- 07:49 – 13:29: Kristen Details Daily Impact of Internalized Gaslighting
- 13:29 – 20:54: Participant 4’s Journey of Patience, Relationship Growth, Celebrating Sobriety
- 20:54 – 24:11: The Role of Narcissistic Parents (Participant 1) & Body-Mind Connection
- 24:11 – 31:43: Participant 3 Reflects on Family Chaos, Therapy, Self-Trust
- 31:43 – 36:57: Participant 6 on Authenticity and Community as Emotional Safe Havens
- 36:57 – 39:57: Participant 2’s Story of Childhood Exile, Shame, and Reconnection
- 39:57 – End: Participant 5 on Self-Abandonment, Accepting Conditional Love
Takeaways
- Self-gaslighting is a pervasive, deeply ingrained survival mechanism among adult children of dysfunction.
- Healing comes slowly, often through community, therapy, and the courage to validate one’s own experience.
- The power of naming abuse, feeling one’s feelings, and learning self-compassion cannot be understated.
- Members find hope and safety in the raw, honest community space that allows for connection beyond the family of origin.
This engaging episode is a testament to the lifelong impact of childhood gaslighting—but also to the possibility of rewriting one’s story, step by step, and learning to trust yourself again.