Irene (9:47)

Hi, I'm back. I've been lurking in the shadows for a while. I went to live by Yosemite in my RV and did a camp work. Camp job for two months. I was supposed to be there for four months, and it was, like, just insane. So the nervous system thing, I feel like literally for months my nervous system has just been on, like, high alert. I've just been really, just not grounded, not centered. And then I started dating and decided that I was going to try to date multiple people at once so that I couldn't be codependent. And instead, it turns out it's kind of just more feelings and less, like, less happiness with everything. And today this meeting is, like, perfect, because this guy that I've been seeing regularly, even though we talked about, like, you know, not. Not rushing into anything, just keeping it casual, but we've been talking, like, every couple, texting, like, basically continuously for almost a month, or maybe maybe more than a month. And, like, seeing each other for a couple of weeks. And he, like, cooks me dinner. And it's just been. It's like we've had this fake relationship, right? Or just a friendly but loving relationship with sex. And it's been really nice. And shit got weird last week when I was at his house, and he was like, why do you always tell me about your trauma? And I was like, what? Well, what? Cause it's a part of my life. And he's like, is it though?

Mike (11:26)

Or.

Irene (11:26)

I feel like you. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to help you. And I don't know, like, what you want. And I'm like, I'm just letting you know because it's present for me all the fucking time, even if something happened 30 years ago. And, like, he kind of mentioned that he had some kind of CSA thing but clearly does not want to address it. And so I guess I was triggering him. And then he was like, well, maybe being on all these apps. Because I've been on this app where like all these dudes keep texting me about their fantasies that are, you know, violent and sexually triggering for someone with csa. Child sexual abuse, childhood. So my friend, my pseudo boyfriend is helped me to see that I was triggered, but I was also triggering him. And then today I texted him and he was like. And I asked him if he wanted to hang out this weekend. And he was like, I'm not making any plans, I'm going into hermit mode. And I was like, what the fuck? You can't do that to me. We've been so. We don't see each other all the time because we live over an hour apart, but it's like all of a sudden he's just withdrawing. And I was just right back there. Like it hit me in the stomach when I got that text. I like was at work and I almost had to go home. That's how hard it hit me. He was like, what? And that feeling of abandonment. And I just felt so bummed all day. But that should be okay because we have this like we're not boyfriend girlfriend thing. But clearly I was feeling and have been feeling more than like a casual thing and then trying to be cool with it because I know that we both have our shit to work through and the last thing I want to do is get back in a relationship where I'm settling. So that really sucked. And then I immediately started texting all these other guys that like last week I swore off because they're creeps. And I was like, well, one of them has got to be open this weekend. And I'm like, dude, Marie, you're betraying yourself. You know, like there's this 56 year old dude, he's kind of hot still, but way older than me, not, not like super attractive, has a foot fetish. And I'm not into that. It's just like, why would I talk to this dude? And I was like, what are you doing this weekend? And then I'm like, oh my God, is this sex addiction or love addiction? Like, what is this? Because. But it's just that feeling of like needing to fill that hole. And I like laid down for a minute after work and it was like, what do you need? And tried to just self soothe and hopefully I can like reel it back in. But I'm really like disappointed in myself because I've worked so hard to stop being codependent and to stop having fantasies about people loving me more than they really do or being more available than they really are. And yet here I am. And that's okay. I'm still learning, I'm still healing and I'm really glad to be back because none of you guys would ever be like, why do you talk about your trauma? Because it's my life. It's my life and I don't like it. But I have to start from that knowledge in order to make any changes. So that's what's up. And glad to see some familiar faces.

Marie (14:49)

You're missed.

Mike (14:50)

Hey, so this is a great topic. I was just thinking of the. In the situation, it's the hardest for me to pause and choose how I want to respond to a situation. And that's for me, it's dealing with my own wife on a daily basis, right? I want to be able to stop, not respond, not respond as that little hurt little 10 year old or that rebellious teenager in me. I want to respond in a way of how I responded to the situations that occurred on my vacation here recently that I took for the last 15 days in Hawaii and seeing her parents, my in laws, interact. And I give credit how I reacted on vacation to all the situations of stop, think, observe and proceed. Right? And it worked. And this program has given me those tools unknowingly of doing all this and listening to everybody's podcast and coming here weekly two to three times a week and, and hearing everybody's stories and what they're going through and how they're, how their journey's working. And for myself, I give myself a little pat on the back on this vacation of not being able to respond to as what I used to, how I respond like all mannequin, like, oh God, here goes big Drew, the big bear. He's, he's losing his on everybody right now over something that's little and stupid and dumb, you know, And I'll give you a situation that just happened to, is when we came back from vacation, we were exhausted, jet lagged Kona airport to LAX to Chicago to Louisville, Kentucky. Two day adventure. We get home, my wife is, we're laying on the couch downstairs and she goes to eat this little coconut chocolate filled little bar, you know, and piece, apparently a little piece fell and she thought she got it off her leg there. Well, it didn't. It got on her little calf tan thing she was wearing and she has rls, which is restless leg syndrome. And we both Passed out, oh, oopsie daisy. And her legs started kicking. And we woke up like two, three hours later. And there is chocolate covered the entire couch in streaks where her legs were kicking the chocolate everywhere. And I woke up going, well, we're just gonna have to clean it, take it off and put it in the washer. I didn't get excited. I didn't. Normally, old me would have responded in a way that was so wrong.

Steve (17:42)

Right?

Mike (17:42)

It made the wrong responses. And when I just woke up, saw it, okay, we're going to fix it. That's the new me. That's the new me of not being able to respond that fast. Because our responses are so fast. The new me has been able to go, wow, that feels good. I'm not putting someone down, looking at it with the wrong glasses of going, that's the compassion. That's the mindfulness. That's all this is working for now. It's what, three and a half, four years now, Andrea, you know, so that does rub off a little bit, you know, so thanks for letting me share. Appreciate. Y'.

Sandra (18:20)

All.

Mike (18:21)

Always do.

Sandra (18:22)

Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

John (18:24)

Hey, fam. It's really good to be here. Let's have this share. Just be between us here. This is, like, right on the money, though. This is what I was going to share about before I heard what we're going to share about. So, like, it's a growth moment. Like, part of me was starting to feel a little bit down about this getting in my head, but I'm like, this is a good thing because it means I'm continuing to grow, and it means I'm continuing to do the work and that we find that it's. It's in the practicing of stuff, like, not being perfect at it, like, fumbling through it over the weekends. Went to this drag brunch with my boyfriend and a few of his friends, and that was a fun time. Had a few drinks and stuff, Went to lunch, they had some more drinks, took care of my dog, came back out and was at the bar for till, like 9 o' clock or so. And you know that thing where you're sober, where you kind of just are done with drunk people? That, like, happened, and it's like an internal clock. And usually, like, literally the same situation happened two months into dating and I didn't say anything and I went insane in my head. Like, it was all smiles out here, but inside I was just losing my shit and, like, going down these rabbit holes and I couldn't stop it. And, like, the solution is to just Open your mouth. But opening your mouth seems like the worst possible thing that I could ever do. In that moment, all of my like recovery stuff goes out the window and I'm just like in trauma response mode and realizing that's exactly what this is talking about. Like an oversized reaction to a situation that's happening. And so it kind of started happening again. And I, I was realizing that I was just kind of done. I was tired. I didn't want to go to another bar. I, you know, I can handle, and I'm fine with like drunk people, but at a certain point it's just like, I, I, I'm, I'm done. I gotta go, I want to go home. I want to not be here anymore, and that's okay. And so they're like, oh, do you want to go another bar? And I was like, actually, I'm kind of tired. I think we should call it a night. And they're like, oh. And then they got over it. Like that was the worst of it. They were just like, oh, for a second and then like, yeah, you're probably right. But at that point I had started into my head and so I was fighting. And here's the thing is that I was actually fighting it. Usually it's just like this uphill battle that I'm losing significantly. And I, I was doing a decent job at holding on to the fact, like I had kind of gotten triggered by some of the conversation and knowing that I know that I'm like in a very happy relationship that I don't need to be. My security is a lot more there. I know I'm secure in my own self, with my higher power, with my community, with my friends. And so in my relationship I get to show up better as my better self. But it was my sponsor kind of said it like before it was like having these like 10.0 Richter scale earthquakes all the time and just like destroying everything. And now it's like, I'll still get them, but it'll be like a 3.0, a little shaky, but you know, I get through it and it doesn't destroy everything and I don't have to self sabotage and make it worse. So I was doing a decent ish kind of job. I totally sound like I'm trying to convince myself, because I am. No, but I did but got home and then was like in bed and I started crying and I was very unexpected, very out of the blue. And he was just like, what's going on? Tell me, tell me. And I was like, I can't And I hated in that moment that I was needing. It felt like old Mike, like, adolescent. It was just like, I need you to keep saying to me, what's wrong? What's wrong? I'm like. As an adult, we learned that we just need to say it when they ask the first time or say it preemptively. Just say what's on our mind. It's not. No one's going to die. It's not going to ruin everything. That oversized reaction is just a trauma response. And to say that and to say, like, hey, can I have, like, a safe space for a minute? Because I'm feeling like this is way worse than it is. And I got to mention kind of what was bothering me, and it made things better. Like, it really did. Just the act of sharing it, not being alone in it, felt so much better. And it wasn't like I need all this reassurance. It was just a small thing for me to get back in line to recenter myself. And it really helped and thought that would be, like, the end of it. But the next morning at breakfast, he, like, brought it up again, which I thought is such a green flag for someone to be like, hey, how was the stuff you were going through last night? Are you still feeling feelings about it? And I was like, I'm feeling a lot better, thank you. And it was just such a, like, huge thing for me to. To have someone that gave a shit enough to, like, care about asking that really meant a lot. And it's. It's really cool to see a lot of these things that I've been looking for, that I've learned in these rooms for myself to show up in relationships. So, like, I never thought this possible. I just want to carry a message of, like, hope that for everyone struggling with it. God, do you know how long I struggled? And it was really hard, and it sucked. But doing the work that we do here allows us to live such different lives. And I never could have imagined this, like, big, beautiful life that I've got today. And I'm just really grateful and I'm really thankful for all the nights that I imploded in this room that I exploded, that I came here crying, that I came here beside myself and I shared it, and I learned to do that in here, and it lets me do it better in other parts of my life. So I really want to tell you, if you're struggling with a thing right now and you feel like the worst thing in the world would be to share it is to just share it. Because this group is full of love and compassion and we get to practice together. Like, we get to do that. We get to. We don't have to fucking know how to do it. We don't know how to do it. We get to learn how to do it together. So, like, I'm right here with you. I love you all. I'm so glad we're here. If no one told you today you're loved, you are valuable, you fucking belong here. Thanks.

Andrea (24:27)

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Mike (24:30)

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Steve (24:32)

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Sandra (24:35)

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Mike (24:35)

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Marie (24:37)

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Mike (24:37)

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Marie (24:40)

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Mike (24:40)

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Marie (24:42)

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Steve (24:42)

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Mike (24:43)

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Marie (24:44)

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Sandra (24:45)

That's what's happening, right?

Steve (24:47)

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Ashley (24:52)

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Marie (24:53)

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Andrea (26:27)

Good evening, everybody. I worked today, and I knew I was dissociated when I got home, but I had no idea how dissociated I was till I started sitting in this meeting and listening to other people talk. I can feel myself coming back into my body now, and it feels good and scary at the same time. There's one word that you said, Andrea, in your share, that really made me feel something that I don't know. It's that the word unfair. So I sit there and I read that, the reading from tonight. And it's. It's like, what do you see most in your life? I mean, that. That's described every. My whole entire life. All of those reactions, dissociation, ruminating, emotional flashbacks. What comes to mind when I think about it being unfair is people that I could give a less about. Strangers that I see on the street, people, customers at work. Most of the time, I'm completely fine. Where I can't quite figure it out is when it comes to the people that I love the most. Got nieces and nephews that I've always been really good with. I've got kids that I love going to see, like my girlfriend's family and just have so much fun. But when it comes to my own child, when I become the authority figure, I am a monster. I don't know. I can't break it. I cannot break it. I'm exhausted from it. Just the sight of my daughter or even having a thought of my daughter sends me into an emotional flashback. I feel like I'm trying to just keep on doing the same things over and over again, expecting a different result. But I trick myself into thinking that I'm trying something different. But the sad reality, I think, for me is I was reacting when I was a drug addict. I was reacting when I slept with her mom. I was reacting through all of my life. And I just. I. I don't. I don't have any clue who I am. So it makes sense that when nobody else is around, that I can feel like I actually could be myself. Like I can understand a little bit about myself. But as soon as the rest of the world enters, this entire reading is my life. Everything, all of those reactions. And God, this is painful. But it all just. It all starts with that closest relationship. And I just don't think I can ever get any better anymore with trying to keep on being a father because I hated mine too much. I. I hate fathers. I Hate being a father. I think it's just best that I just let this girl go because it's going to take me a lot longer to figure this out than I can keep in playing Russian roulette with her emotions in her life. And that's as truth, as much truth as I can say. So thanks.

Marie (29:37)

Love you. Glad you're here. Hey, Stephen, I'm sending you so much love. So much. It has been a long couple of days, but I've got some big wins to share. I scheduled my first official in person consult with a lawyer. It's next Tuesday, which is my eight year marriage anniversary. Not on purpose, just Tuesday was a free day. My husband and I had a conversation about finances this morning, which is the roughest topic for us to ever discuss. And even though there were parts of me that were feeling triggered, I diffused those feelings like never before in the moment. I just, I kept, I kept that, the gray rock technique. I kept it going the entire time just asking questions, just like trying to stay on target. I had a whole like, spreadsheet and like numbers that I needed to have filled in so I can sit down with a divorce accountant and figure out what the right financial moves for me are. And again, when we got to the point about talking about the house, he, I, I don't know, my husband like lost, kind of lost it in a way. Not like in the big explosive way, but just like, he was so bothered when I said, because of course he just makes the assumption of like, well, there's no way you could afford to buy me out of the house, so you have to leave. And I was like, well, we don't know that yet. Like, I haven't spoken to anybody and I plan to, but like, let's just say like, I can buy you out of the house. And like, is that going to be an issue? And he just was so triggered by it. He was like, no, that's not fair. You haven't paid, you haven't contributed anything financially for two years. And I was like, excuse me, it's been one year since I lost my job. And what about all of the years before that and all of the other things? And he was just beside himself with the thought. And so I just, just calmly respond, bonded. I calmly asked him clarifying questions. And then, you know, he was like, well, I'm not, he's like, when I get back, he's going to Turkey in two weeks for his brother's wedding. His like, brother's second wedding, not second marriage, but like they got married in Rhode island with family here. And then they're getting married in Turkey with my new sister in law's family, who's from Russia. And he's like, you know, when I get back from Turkey, I'm. I'm going to meet with a lawyer or like mediator. And I was like, well, is it a lawyer or a mediator? And so he's like, it's a lawyer. And then he's like, you know, I'm just going to give him the papers and then get things moving from there. And so I, like, asked more clarifying questions. And I'm just really proud of the way that I handled myself in a trickiest topic while also feeling really triggered. I'm really proud of the way that this is just like a really rough, emotional, emotionally tricky time of the month for me right now. So I was honestly really nervous about going into this conversation today, but I owned it. And I was supposed to work this afternoon. And just as I was letting them know that I was on my way, they were like, hey, we wrapped up our job. If you want to work, you can. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to like, just take the afternoon and decompress. And so I did that. Like, I took care of myself in a really big way. And I felt nervous about just sitting on the sofa and watching a show. I didn't want to feel judged. I didn't even want, like, the potential to feel judged. And I didn't let, I didn't let my husband being home bother me. I just, I enjoyed the bear and snuggling with my dog with, you know, the cool air blasting on me as I snuggled under a blanket and it was glorious. And we took the kids to the playground down the street tonight, which I just, I don't honestly look forward to spending any time in his proximity at this point in time. But it went so nicely and I got some really great time with the kids. And my daughter even let me take a picture with her tonight, and that has not happened because I think I've got like six pictures and half of them she's covering her face from the last like eight months. So it was a huge win. But yeah, just, it's been a tricky couple of days and I'm just gonna continue to bask in how proud I am of myself. And that's. That's it. Thank you all.

Sandra (34:16)

You go, girl.

Steve (34:17)

So I think Steve's share of talking about I don't know who I am, I think that is one of those things that really sort of gets dragged back in from time to time for me. And it sort of seems like the hyper vigilance and the numbing to stay busy, the sort of work orientation and this need to have a backup plan to the backup plan because you're going to lose your job and you're going to lose everything. And you're under so much pressure to show everything is under control and you know, sort of finding this, this notion of perfectionism and is it good enough? How about now? How about now? How about now? And it's kind of like, it's just. It's fucking exhausting. And you know, you just sort of. You tie that in with the numbing to stay busy, to sort of escape everything that that was there. It's sort of like once you realize you're safe, do you. How do you really have to deal with that? And I think that if I could pick something that would just sort of settle everything, it would be the ability to just stay calm and do nothing. And I think that stay calm and do nothing thing. I've had a few periods of time where the stay calm and do nothing shows up. And it's amazing when it happens. But you know, this week at work has just been, you know, a dumpster fire in a hurricane. And it's been one of those things where when there's just tremendous pressure because it has impacts far beyond you, you know, and people are breathing down your neck to get something taken care of, those behaviors just get dragged back out from, from the depths. And even though you've done all the work, these things, these habits are so ingrained that they still come out from time to time. So on Tuesday night when I got home from work, I ended up going downstairs and punched my heavy bag for about a half hour, 45 minutes to sort of just work things out physically. And I think having that's been a nice way of going about things. But my God, this is like getting pulled back into a crash and burn situation like a rocket coming in from outer space or you know, a mop to a bug zapper. But anyway, that's my share for tonight. Great topic and I will pass the baton.

Ashley (36:42)

Last week I got really, really sad with everything that was happening in, in our world. And I'm somebody that cannot watch the moons. I know this about myself and I was a little. I was too much on social media, paying attention to different things. And that in combination with just feeling run down just takes me to a place of. It just took me to a place of extreme sadness and I'm a super, super deeply empathetic person to begin with. And that sadness, it. I just lost clarity, a lost perspective in. I started to feel like there's no way out. Just there's tragedy everywhere. There's no way out. And that fed into this very obviously for my nervous system, familiar feeling from childhood of that very thing. There's. There's no way out and it's never going to end. And. And I'm alone and I'm unsafe and you know, it goes on and on and on and then boom, there's just this explosion. And now after doing this work for so long, I know this is from probably 11, 12, 13 years old. And I know a couple of incidences in my childhood around that time frame. I. I dissociated just to. Just to cope. And when I get this emotional flashback, it's like I can feel this. This pocket of. Just this wound inside of me, and I want to get to it. I want to do anything I can to like, get it flow pulled out of my system because it is ab. It's unbearable and it's. It's just paralyzing. Obviously there's a part of me that's protecting me from accessing, you know, whatever feelings and emotions are there, but it's really difficult. It's really difficult to end up in that space where just my. My perspective is one where I just feel hopeless and everything's going to end terribly. And then luckily being able to access different. Different resources to. To work through that, but, you know, just bouncing back and forth where I'll get unblended from that and I'll be okay for 10 or 15 minutes and then boom, I'm back in it and just bouncing back and forth. And I guess that's a step up from being lost in it for two weeks like it used to be in my life. Today I. I feel like a completely different person in just grateful for that. But I. I really desperately want to. To be able to heal this part of me. And I. And I can feel the polarity in my system where there's just something blocking me from getting to whatever that. That that wound is or whatever that pocket of emotions are. So. And I have to echo a lot of what Mike was sharing. Thank goodness for this community because I. To be able to talk about this stuff, which you can see at the very beginning is sometimes difficult for me, but. But to be able to just be seen and be witnessed and. And know that. That it's okay, you know, I can just puke it all Out. Even if, even if I sound completely discombobulated. Yeah. So I just want to say that the emotional flashbacks are what really resonate with me on that list. And also I, today, I just looked back on yesterday and I, I have compassion. I was just like, I have compassion for me that this, this may never get better. You know, truly, this may never get better. And when I feel that coming on, I can say, oh, you know, here we go. What are, what are my things that I need to do to get me through this? Who do I need to call? Who do you know? Make an appointment with my trauma therapist, set up an IFS session, have, you know, a couple people that I can call. And then also, just from a self care standpoint, I don't have to be a well informed person of what's going on. It's a detriment to my mental health and my emotional health. So just having that compassion and the understanding that it, it may never change, I may never get to that piece or part that carries such, such overwhelming, deep sadness that feels like I'm literally about to wash down a drain. And it feels so scary sometimes. So thank goodness I have, thank goodness that we all have this, this beautiful shit show ship. Okay, thanks.

Sandra (41:15)

Thanks, Teresa. Go ahead. Queen Sandra, Good evening.

Sandra (41:20)

I am very grateful and joyful to be here and this meeting, everything every share has resonated with me. But I have a couple of things that I would like to share. I count them as wins and as growth. At one of our meetings last week, I was sharing about some changes in my life and Andrew, you asked me about my daughter and I responded by saying, I mean, the gist of what I said was I'm trying to live according to what I believe and not have them exist in two separate parts of, of my lives. And I wanted to thank you. I went into a state of grief after that, after that, that program, but the, the outcome, because that's why I'm grateful to you, is I thought about what I was grieving and I gave myself. I decided to give myself some grace. I looked at how I raised my daughter and the things that I tried to do. And now that I have a clear vision of the damages of beating an adult child, I gave myself some grace. I can say with absolute certainty when I look back at her life, the time that I spent with her, my intention was to do what I thought was good, what I thought would make a whole person. And that's what I did. And I was consistent. And I said to myself, well, if I was Doing what I thought was the best for to produce a healthy person. What else can I do? I can only do what I know and what I believe. And so I've given myself some grace and it's cleared a space for me. And when I think about, When I think about my daughter. The other thing that I wanted to talk about is also at one of our earlier meetings, we were talking about the voices in and my head. My whole life, there are so many voices. My mother's, my husband's, my father's, societies, my grandmother's, my ancestors. I mean, I never got any rest. The only way I ultimately got rest was to drink and drink a bottle, two bottles of wine in an hour and a half because I was a blackout drunk. I just wanted to be, be out. And I'm past that and I'm learning. So on the issue of voices in my head, I've gone through stages. I fought with the voices in my head and I felt defeated. I can't, I can't do this. That's just the way the world is. Or sometimes I say, that's just my brain. I just got all these fears and worries and catastrophizing. And as I continued to practice creating my reality, I found some changes. And one day I recognized that I didn't hear all those voices. And what did I think? Of course, oh my God, I've gone crazy. I've completely disengaged. So there was that self doubt. And as time has gone on, I made jewelry. And it's my passion. I just do it because I love the feel of the beads and I love the colors. And I was. I have had a burst. I came. I've had a burst in creativity, in energy, in positivity. And I recognize that I can manage the voices. They come, but I catch them much more quickly and I'm kinder to them. I used to scold and say, you're stupid and repeat the things that had been said to me. I'm kind to all these selves within me and I thank them. When one sets off a fear, then I'll say, thank you for reminding me. And I'll say, I we've got this. We're safe, we're okay. And it's just all that space that was filled up with garbage and all these beliefs, and it's clear. And what is left is not emptiness, it's not silence. It's this incredible harmony of voices and all these themselves that have finally relaxed. And it's given me creativity, an explosion in creativity that I never even dreamed of because when I would make jewelry, I was always concerned about whether someone else would like it, even though I didn't know who that someone was. So this shit show community, I will say it, I'll say is a divine, divine space. And what I've heard in the shares today for Ashley and, and Mike and Marie that you described today in your shares, things that you're working on and those things that you're working on are wins. There are a win for you. They are a win for you. And this is a divine space. And I, I'm, I'm glad to be here. And, and Andrea, I see your growth. I see it, it radiates you more still and you're confident. And we all face these things that come at us, but we don't give up. I love you all. Being here has given me a life so profoundly different than anything I imagined possible. Thank you.

Marie (48:19)

Thank you.

Sandra (48:19)

Bless you all. You're in the right place. Keep up the good work, Sandra.

Sandra (48:25)

Love you.

Sandra (48:26)

Love you.

Marie (48:47)

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Ashley (48:51)

You flip a switch.

Marie (48:52)

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Teresa (49:18)

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