
If you received a wedding invite with a bizarre and confusing dress code recently, you're not alone.
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Alison Stewart
You are listening to all of it on wnyc. I'm hi, I'm Alison Stewart. It's wedding season and whether you're a friend or in the wedding party or an older relative, you have to deal with one thing. What am I going to wear? But hey, it's not entirely up to you. Along with details about the venue and a link to the couple's registry. And sometimes, well, sometimes there's confusing dress code information. How optional is black tie optional? Really? What does garden chic or cowboy cocktail even mean? Someone on our staff got a dress code that said Brooklyn chic? They're still trying to figure that out. And what if you really, really hate your bridesmaids dress? Joining us for our series what the Ways to Get Through Weddings? Here to navigate us through all your wedding guest tutorial questions is Gabriella Duffy, senior editorial director of Brides. Hey, Gabby.
Gabriella Duffy
Hi, Alison. Thanks for having me on today, listeners.
Alison Stewart
We want to hear your stories about wedding guests attire. What's a fashion mishap you've had at a wedding? Or what did you do? How did you decide what is or isn't appropriate to wear to a wedding? What's the worst bridesmaid dress you've ever worn? And any hacks on what to do with your bridesmaids dress after it's over? We are taking your calls. 2124-3396-9221-2433. WNYC. You can call in, you can join me and Gabby on the air or you can text to us at those two numbers.
Gabriella Duffy
All right.
Alison Stewart
You say it is really important for guests to do their best to follow the dress code at a wedding. First of all, why is it a big deal?
Gabriella Duffy
Well, you know, it is one of your primary responsibilities as a guest to follow the dress code whether you like it or not. As an attendee, the couple has asked you to be there to celebrate with them and they've set a dress code to, you know, enhance the theme or the vibe or the aesthetic they're going for. And dressing out of place in that way can really kind of undermine the formality of the day, undermine how special this occasion is. And it's not that hard for one night for Maybe four or five hours to wear something a little more specific than you may have wanted to.
Alison Stewart
So it's not about you.
Gabriella Duffy
It's not this one day. It's about someone else.
Unknown Speaker D
You say a Gould.
Alison Stewart
A good rule of thumb is not.
Unknown Speaker D
To wear something that you're not sure about.
Alison Stewart
What are some good examples of signs that an outfit probably not right for a wedding?
Gabriella Duffy
I think if you have to text a friend and say, is this too white? Is this too revealing? Is this too showy? Does this feel like it fits with the dress code? If you're questioning it for any reason, I would say just skip it. Don't, don't stress yourself out. Don't potentially be that one person that all of the other guests are talking about. There are always other options, but in general, you know, we say no white. I would avoid cream or champagne too, just to be on the safe side. Sometimes silver can look a little white. And, you know, denim is a big no. Anything that feels too casual. Remember, this is someone's special wedding day. Someone's, you know, one chance to celebrate with everyone they love. And they've spent a lot of time and money making this occasion be something really spectacular. And it's, you know, important whether it is a casual wedding or a black tie wedding, that you are honoring the couple's requests.
Alison Stewart
What if there is no dress code listed?
Gabriella Duffy
Yeah, this happens a lot. You know, in modern day weddings. I will say the millennials and the Gen Z couples are doing a really great job at perhaps being specific, sharing mood boards and color swatches. But if you are met with the rare couple these days who is not interested in detailing exactly what you should wear, I always say take cues from the formality of the invitation. So if the couple has sent you an ornate boxed invitation that has confetti and butterflies flying out as you've opened it, it is probably going to be an incredibly formal event and I would dress as such. If you got an evite or a text, it's probably going to be a little more casual and the couple probably doesn't care too much what you're wearing. If it is somewhere in the middle, you know, basic black and white invitation, look to the venue, see what it looks like. If it's, you know, a, a winery, it's probably going to be, you know, cocktail dresses or, you know, sundresses. If it is a historic mansion, I'd go a little bit more formal. And then there are always, you know, your safe bets. If you're really not sure, I say dress a little more formally than you think you might need to. So a cocktail dress for women in a, you know, dark, neutral color is always a great safe bet. And for men, a dark suit. You can always lose the jacket. You can always lose the tie.
Alison Stewart
Let's talk to Delia, who is calling in from Brooklyn. Hey, Delia.
Delia
Hi. How are you today?
Alison Stewart
We're doing okay. So you get your friends getting married in nine days. That's what I've heard.
Delia
Nine days. Yeah. My best friend's getting married in nine days. We're all very excited. I'm the maid of honor and she and her fiance have, have made up a dress code called elevated picnic, which they thought I think would sound relaxed but chic. And what's turned out to be the case is that they're fielding a lot of questions from friends and family alike about what constitutes elevated picnic. Does a denim dress work? Does a pair of heeled Crocs work? And luckily they have a great sense of humor and they are, I think, really enjoying the possibilities. And as for someone who's going to be wearing a dress that, that, that was, you know, picked out by the bride, I'm really excited to roll up and see what Elevated Picnic means to all these people in nine days.
Unknown Speaker D
Okay, so this is interesting.
Alison Stewart
So, but the bride helped you pick your dress out, so you are wearing Elevated Picnic wear. What are you wearing?
Delia
I'm wearing something that I personally, I mean, it's a great dress. It's beautiful. It's mid length, green, floral. I wouldn't wear it to any picnic because I'm, let's say, a less than elevated person, but in terms of my style. But I'm wearing like what you might think of as more of a. More of a traditional but casual bridesmaid's dress. And I'm just excited to see how that's going to fit into the rest of everyone's outfit.
Alison Stewart
We hope you have a fantastic day. Okay, this text. We had an engagement party on the beach in Chicago.
Unknown Speaker D
And we had the dress code as.
Alison Stewart
Beach cocktail, but emphasized that people should be comfortable because it was about 100 degrees that day. Our guests displayed the full range of human garb.
Unknown Speaker D
And there's a photo of me with.
Alison Stewart
My family that looks exactly like that picture of the Parish Dispatch cast at Cannes. That is very funny. My guest is Gabby Rillard Duffy. She is senior editorial director at Brides. We're discussing the do's and don'ts of wedding guest fashion. Fashion it is our what the heck?
Unknown Speaker D
Series, the Wedding Edition.
Alison Stewart
We want to Hear from you. What's the worst bridesmaid dress you've ever worn? What did you do with it? Have you had a fashion mishap at a wedding? Tell us all about it. 2124-3396-9221-2433.
Unknown Speaker D
WNYC.
Alison Stewart
Let's talk colors now, unless it's a.
Unknown Speaker D
Black tie affair, the rule used to be that you should not wear black at a wedding. Is that still true?
Gabriella Duffy
Nope, it is not true today. I think this is one. You know, if you don't want to wear black, you certainly don't have to. But if you have a black dress you love, you can wear it to other events. Unless the couple has specified that they really want people in colorful attire, it is definitely seen as acceptable today.
Alison Stewart
Another big topic is red, whether it's appropriate for a wedding. But that's, you know, that's sort of a western thing. Red can be appropriate in certain cultures. What are the rules around red?
Gabriella Duffy
Yeah, it is definitely one of those things that we hear a lot, too, and we have heard, by and large from all of our etiquette experts over the year that red is seen as an acceptable, auspicious color for a wedding. So again, unless the couple has specified that they don't want anyone wearing red, you can feel empowered to wear it to a wedding.
Unknown Speaker D
This text says a tip I thought of because a guy who wore his Vespa helmet at my wedding, as in all of my photos of me walking down the aisle, take off your helmet so you don't look like the Martian who crashed the wedding in the pictures. I've been considering photoshopping this guy out.
Gabriella Duffy
Sometimes you have to get really specific.
Unknown Speaker D
No helmets. I guess we should say that we know you shouldn't wear white in a wedding. Does that apply to all pastels or is it just white seaming fabric Pastels.
Gabriella Duffy
Are acceptable, but I would personally be cautious of things like yellow. Super pale yellow Butter yellow is trending right now. It is everywhere. But there are definitely iterations of it that look far more white in person. So I would just be cautious. I would see things before the day of the wedding. If you're an online shopper like me, I would definitely make sure that that package has arrived ahead of the wedding and that you have a backup if you're going with a pastel, but, you know, a pale pink, as long as it really reads as pink. Pale blue, totally acceptable. Pale green. These are great colors, especially for this time of year.
Unknown Speaker D
You mentioned checking out the venue. So what sort of factors about the wedding venue or the wedding, where the wedding is taking place, should you take into account as you prepare, what you're going to wear?
Gabriella Duffy
I would say looking to see what the formality and vibe of that venue is. So like I said, if someone's getting married at a historic mansion, you know, those beautiful Newport mansions, those are, are fancy affairs. So I would say that if you're looking at the website and you're seeing that the, the space looks like it is, you know, more ornate and has a lot of detailing, the couple chose that venue for a reason. It is very rare that someone is going to throw a black tie wedding at their local bowling alley, for example. And similarly, they're probably not going to spend the money that's associated with a super high end, ornate venue to throw a really casual affair. So I would say just taking kind of esthetic cues, vibe cues, and figuring out does this seem like they would want to, how would they match the formality in dress? And that can usually be a pretty safe bet for you.
Alison Stewart
Let's talk to Michael from Westchester. Hi, Michael, thanks for making the time to call all of it today.
Michael
Yeah. So good afternoon. Thank you for taking my call. Big fan. And I just wanted to contribute by saying as an officiant, somebody who's officiated a number of weddings, I made a mistake once of not asking the bride and groom if I should maintain a formal attire. I went down to Florida, flew down there and on the beach, wore a very heavy suit and everyone else was dressed casually. It was a beach wedding. Never occurred to me to ask them. And there I was, sweating throughout the entire process. And I said, what a mistake. I should have asked them in advance.
Unknown Speaker D
Did you sweat through your suit?
Alison Stewart
Sounds like Michael sweated through his suit. This is an interesting text and I don't know if you have an answer for it, but I'm going to read it anyway. It says about wedding attire. Since when are weddings costume parties? What is going on in the mind of the married couple's heads if they are demanding not only a gift, travel expenses, et cetera, from their guests, but also requiring them to acquire some garment that is absurd for them and that they'll never wear again? What do you think of that question?
Gabriella Duffy
Well, there are a few things. One, you know, couples today are really paying for their weddings themselves. More often than not, we're paying for a significant port of it themselves. So I think that couples are feeling more empowered to plan the celebrations they want, which we love. We want them to plan a wedding that exemplifies their unique relationship and their union. So, you know, if you love this couple and you want to be there to celebrate their day, I know that it can be kind of annoying sometimes to have to find cowboy cocktail attire or, you know, garden chic, whatever it may be. But you really want to be there for this couple on this special day. But, you know, you don't have to buy something new for every theme, and I think that's important. You probably have something in your closet that, with a little creative work, can work for the theme. Or, you know, you just have to buy one small accessory. Borrow an accessory. Another option is to rent attire. There are so many great rental websites for both full attire accessories, small pieces borrow from a friend. There are ways to do this affordably. So, you know, I definitely can feel for guests who are attending multiple weddings in one season and all have very different dress codes. I know that that can feel overwhelming to figure out what feels appropriate for all of these. And buying attire for each doesn't always feel doable, but there are definitely ways to kind of adapt what you have to work with the theme.
Unknown Speaker D
Let's talk to Michelle from Livingston, New Jersey. Hi, Michelle, what's your question?
Delia
Hi, Allison. Yes, I am actually attending a black tie affair in June, and I was wondering what the definition really is. In my case, I'm quite petite, short, that is, and I'm a little bit uncomfortable with the idea of having to buy a long dress for this. And my husband does not own a tuck, but owns a black suit.
Gabriella Duffy
All right, this is a good one. So black tie, in my opinion, is one of the easier dress codes to decode. So generally speaking, for a long time it was floor length only, but now longer cocktail style dresses for women are definitely appropriate. So if you have a midi length dress in a more elevated fabric or pattern, something more neutral perhaps, that's definitely workable. And, you know, you can just accessorize appropriately to make it feel a little bit more elevated and fancy for men, I think. And maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but a black suit is totally acceptable for a black tie wedding. I don't think you always have to wear a tuxedo. I would say, you know, spend $30 and get a bow tie to pair with it. So it feels a little more formal. But I definitely don't think you need to go out and actually, you know, invest in a tuxedo.
Unknown Speaker D
This says, regarding the wedding attire, please have the ladies check their shoes. If the invitation states farm, garden or barn. Stilettos are not the always Appropriate choice.
Gabriella Duffy
That's so true. Shoes are a big, big thing. You really want to be comfortable and be able to enjoy the venue and enjoy the wedding itself. So I always say, as you peruse the venue, look at the terrain too. You know, if it's going to be outside, you'll want something with a wedge or something that has a. Has a more significant heel. And for men, the same thing. You, you're not going to want to wear suede shoes to a grassy wedding where they might get wet. So couples should always try to identify that information for guests if they can. And if they haven't, I think guests should just do their due diligence on the topic.
Unknown Speaker D
Let's talk to Lisa from Catskill. Hi, Lisa, you're on the air.
Delia
Hi. I'm from upstate New York. We have a lot of barn weddings up by us, and I think this is, like, totally appropriate. I was literally just thinking we need.
Michael
To add shoes to the equation of.
Delia
The discussion of wedding attire because I've seen so many people show up in their, like, fancy, like, heels, like Manolo Blahniks, and they get destroyed because they are at a, let's say, garden chic wedding or something like that. So I think that's totally great. Point about the shoes.
Unknown Speaker D
Thanks so much. This says, I got married in 2022 at an Audubon center and asked the guests to come in. What makes them feel fancy. I had everything from gowns to Texas tuxedos. It was really fun to see everyone dress up to feel good and celebrate with us. Highly recommend. That's great advice.
Gabriella Duffy
Yep. I think if you are comfortable with guests arriving in a variety of different things, then that type of dress code is wonderful. It's so fun. It makes for a really conversational atmosphere. Guests are talking about what everyone's wearing, and, you know, it sparks conversations. I don't think for a super type, a couple who wants their wedding photos to look a certain way, that that's always going to be the best bet. But if you want to just have a celebratory atmosphere and you're okay with people probably being dressed to the nines and then other people being dressed far more casually, I love it.
Alison Stewart
We got this text from Olivia in Brooklyn. It says, hi, Olivet. When I was my best friend's maid of honor, she had a dream color scape for all her bridesmaids. And it was, oh, my goodness. And it was dead set on my wearing a tulle dress in mauve. Ugh. The dress works somehow. But afterward I dyed it on My stovetop with good old fashioned rit dye in indigo. And now it is very cute. Thanks for the tip, Olivia.
Delia
Yeah.
Alison Stewart
Let's talk to Margie, who's calling in from Pinebush, New York. Hi, Margie, thank you so much for calling all of it. You're on the air.
Delia
Hi, thank you for taking my call. I'm just wondering about tips for the mother of the groom or mother of the bride. My son is getting married in September at like Colorado ranchy farmy kind of place. But I'm still the mother of the groom. So just wondering what you would suggest.
Gabriella Duffy
I always say the mother of the groom should talk to the mother of the bride first and foremost and say, you know, have you picked out your dress? What are you wearing? Depending on your relationship with the bride, if you guys are close, I would ask her, do you have a color you'd want me to wear? Do you want me to match the wedding party? Is there something you have in mind? It can be a really fun experience to invite her to come shopping with you. It can be a really great bonding experience. She can sort of, you know, weigh in if there's something she is or isn't looking for. And that way, you know, there used to be the old saying of the mother of the groom has two rules, to shut up and wear beige. And that is not the case anymore. My mom famously wore hot pink to my brother's wedding and I don't think my sister in law super cared. But you know moms, this is their moment. It's an important day for you. Your child is getting married and you should feel great on the wedding day too. But you know, like any other guest, you just want to be keeping with the formality of the day, keeping with the color palette that the couple wants. So I would suggest talking to the mother of the bride, talking to the bride herself, talking to your son. But you should choose something that you love.
Unknown Speaker D
My guest is Gabby Rillo Duffy, senior editorial director of Brides. We're discussing the do's and don'ts of wedding guest fashion. Okay.
Alison Stewart
One of our producers just attended a.
Unknown Speaker D
Wedding that was Brooklyn chic was the dress code.
Gabriella Duffy
Yeah.
Unknown Speaker D
Okay.
Gabriella Duffy
Well, it's a tough one. You know, it's obviously very aesthetically based on the location. So, you know, you probably aren't going to have a Brooklyn chic every chic wedding everywhere. But, you know, when we think of this on our side, you know, we think of monochromatic suits, you know, in fun colors. So not black. Bringing something a little bit different to the table. Long dresses, but styled in kind of different ways. So maybe things with feathers or waffles or adding the ever popular neck scarf. These are everywhere this year. So, you know, just kind of like emphasizing your personality. Young, youthful, cool, but still formal.
Unknown Speaker D
I see cowboy cocktail as one of the dress codes, and before this week, I wouldn't have understood it. But then Beyonce went on tour, and.
Gabriella Duffy
Now I kind of get it. Cowboy cocktail is a big one right now, and it is. Cowboy Carter is really driving this one. It's happening, happening a lot more for pre and post wedding events than the wedding itself, but I think we'll probably see it popping up more. So thinking about denim, leather, suede, wearing cowboy boots, mixing these elements with other attire that you already have. So maybe pairing a cute cocktail dress with a fun cowboy hat, something like that.
Unknown Speaker D
Let's talk to Sig in Manhattan. Hey, Sig, thanks for calling, all of it. You're on the air.
Sig
Well, thank you. And maybe you addressed the issue, but I think that black tie optional is simply a silly euphemism to say American male. This party would have been requiring black tie a generation ago, but since so many American males simply hate to wear it and or don't have it and don't want to rent it, you may come in cocktail or at least something that we hope includes a tie. Anyhow, that's my short comment. And I don't, you know, I don't like blue jeans, pockets too small. And I just think it's an overreaction that started after World War II with more democracy in money and in clothing. By contrast, if you look at the streets of New York, the pictures of the 1930s, a lot of those guys are quite well dressed in modern terms. And, you know, they're not all millionaires.
Unknown Speaker D
Thank you so much for calling in. What were you going to say, Gabby?
Gabriella Duffy
Black tie optional, I think, is the most confusing dress code. I think it is the one that guests are really shocked by. And I actually sort of agree with the mindset of not necessarily that men just don't want to wear tuxedos, but I think that you should probably just pick one or the other. You can't really have it both ways. And you want to make it less confusing for your guests so they actually arrive in what you're hoping they arrive.
Unknown Speaker D
In for couples getting married. What are some tips for determining the kind of dress code the way you want people to look for your wedding so they can follow what you want?
Gabriella Duffy
Yeah, I think first and foremost, you have to set the direction Right. So you have to decide, do we want an ultra formal wedding? And by the way, you can plan a black tie wedding that's not incredibly formal. So I just saw a black tie wedding where the couple served cheeseburgers and french fries. Like, there's a way to mix and match these formalities. So I think, you know, think about what you want the photos to look like, what you want guests to feel like when they're in the wedding. If you want everyone to feel laid back and relaxed, a more casual dress code is going to be the right choice for, you know, you want this to be a super formal event or you want to serve that four course dinner and you really want to do the whole pomp and circumstance. Go black tie. Once you have determined what you want the wedding to feel like, iterate that out for your guests through a mood board, especially if you're choosing something that is a little outside of the norm for guests. So cowboy cocktail is the perfect example. I would put together a quick Pinterest board. I would even pull some fashion examples from online retailers to show people what they could potentially buy. Color palette swatches, if you want a specific color palette. And put all of this on your wedding website so that guests can easily find it and refer back to it.
Alison Stewart
Tracy, you get the last word.
Delia
My husband and I got married. We had our reception in 2001 at 11 Madison park, and my Aunt Lois showed up in boat shoes, a wraparound skirt, and an L.L. bean polo shirt. And I could have cared less because that was the last time that I saw her alive. So I really don't think it matters. Just take the pictures, hug the people, and who cares if they're in boat shoes and a wraparound skirt?
Alison Stewart
Tracy, thanks for the call. My guest has been Gabby Rillo Duffy from Bride. She's the Senior Editorial Director. Thanks, Gabby.
Gabriella Duffy
Thank you so much for having me.
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Podcast Summary: "Brooklyn Chic? Bohemian Black-Tie? Wedding Dress Codes Are Getting Weirder"
Introduction In this episode of All Of It, host Alison Stewart delves into the increasingly complex world of wedding dress codes. As weddings become more personalized, unique dress codes like "Brooklyn Chic" and "Cowboy Cocktail" are emerging, leaving guests puzzled about appropriate attire. Stewart invites listeners to explore the nuances of these evolving expectations with expert Gabriella Duffy, Senior Editorial Director at Brides magazine.
The Importance of Adhering to Dress Codes Gabriella Duffy emphasizes the significance of following wedding dress codes, stating, “It is one of your primary responsibilities as a guest to follow the dress code whether you like it or not” (02:04). Duffy explains that dress codes are set by couples to enhance the theme and aesthetic of their special day. Ignoring these guidelines can undermine the formality and intention behind the wedding, detracting from the couple’s vision.
Listener Experiences and Common Fashion Mishaps Listeners share their personal experiences and challenges with wedding attire:
These stories illustrate the common dilemmas guests face when confronted with unconventional dress codes, underscoring the need for clearer guidelines.
Decoding Unique Dress Codes The episode explores several non-traditional dress codes, breaking down their meanings and offering practical interpretations:
Color Choices and Cultural Norms The discussion shifts to color etiquette at weddings:
Venue Influence on Dress Codes Understanding the venue’s ambiance is crucial for selecting appropriate attire. Duffy advises guests to match their outfits to the venue's formality and aesthetic:
Practical Tips for Guests Gabriella Duffy offers actionable advice for navigating wedding dress codes:
Advice for Couples Setting Dress Codes For couples crafting their wedding dress codes, Duffy suggests:
Notable Listener Comments
Conclusion The episode wraps up with a mix of practical tips and humorous anecdotes, reinforcing the idea that while wedding dress codes can be challenging, they ultimately aim to enhance the celebration. Alison Stewart and Gabriella Duffy encourage guests to communicate with couples when in doubt and approach wedding attire with both respect and personal style.
Final Thoughts Through engaging discussions and listener interactions, this episode of All Of It provides a comprehensive guide to understanding and navigating the intricate landscape of modern wedding dress codes. Whether you’re dealing with quirky themes or traditional expectations, the insights offered aim to make every wedding celebration both stylish and enjoyable for all attendees.