Podcast Summary: All Of It – Mental Health Mondays: “Caring for the Mother Who Abandoned Her”

Host: Matt Katz (filling in for Alison Stewart)
Guest: Stephanie Claire Smith (poet, social worker, author of Everywhere the Undrowned: A Memoir of Survival and Imagination)
Date: March 4, 2024

Episode Overview

This powerful Mental Health Mondays episode features poet and social worker Stephanie Claire Smith, discussing her new memoir, Everywhere the Undrowned: A Memoir of Survival and Imagination. The conversation centers on Smith’s experience of childhood abandonment, the trauma of sexual assault, and the complex journey of caring for the mother who once left her. Through candid and poetic reflections, Smith explores how trauma is carried and transformed, and how caregiving in adulthood forced her to re-examine her past and herself.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Stephanie’s Mother: Free Spirit and Flawed Caregiver

[01:52 – 03:34]

• Stephanie describes her mother as a “flawless and fantastic” figure in her childhood imagination—liberal, charming, and a vivacious modern dancer.
• As an adult, Stephanie recognizes her mother struggled as a single parent and prioritized “finding love again” over motherhood.
  • Quote [02:10]:
    “The way I saw her was the way I needed to see her, which was flawless and fantastic... kind of like a Judy Garland character.” – Stephanie Claire Smith

The Summer of 1973: Abandonment and Survival

[03:04 – 06:12]

• At age 14, Stephanie’s mother left her alone for an extended period while she traveled, a pattern of neglect that was already familiar.
• With no father or extended family to rely on, Stephanie felt responsible for her own survival.
• Writing the memoir was only possible after her mother's death, due to feelings of obligation and protection towards her.
  • Quote [05:12]:
    “Like many children who grow up in homes where parents are less than attentive... you're just so used to dedicating your life to them... it doesn't occur to you that they should be protecting you.” – Stephanie Claire Smith

Trauma and Aftermath: The Unspeakable

[08:32 – 10:58]

• Smith recounts her sexual assault during the summer her mother abandoned her. She highlights the lack of resources or language to process such trauma at that time.
• The societal expectation to move on from trauma is counterproductive:
  • Quote [09:08]:
    “I’m always upset when I hear people say, ‘oh, someone’s stuck in the past.’ In my thinking, it's the past that's stuck in the past.... That's not really moving on. That’s abandoning my past.” – Stephanie Claire Smith

Finding Voice in Literary Form

[06:12 – 08:03]

• The memoir’s poetic, vignette-style structure evolved organically from Smith’s practice as a poet and therapist; the format allowed her to “keep it really tight” and focus her storytelling.
  • [06:34]:
    “I didn't really set out to write this. I was in recovery after my mother died... I was writing poems... my poems spread out into paragraphs... I would get up and I'd write a page and go back to sleep… So I did.” – Stephanie Claire Smith

Legacy of Trauma: Social Work & Mediating for Others

[10:58 – 11:47]

• Her challenging upbringing made Smith well-suited for social work and mediation, roles that require subsuming personal needs to focus on others.
  • Quote [11:11]:
    “I was trying to work through my past by helping other people. And also I'd already grown up in a house where my needs weren't ever in the mix… that's kind of what you have to do as a mediator.” – Stephanie Claire Smith

Creating a Present: Moving from New York to Raleigh

[11:47 – 12:43]

• Stephanie now lives in Raleigh, North Carolina, after finding New York “too fast.” Her journey has been one of searching for a place to feel attuned and at peace.
  • Quote [12:05]:
    “New York is just a little too fast for me... I just didn't want to be around any more snow.” – Stephanie Claire Smith

Memorable Moments & Notable Quotes

• Mother’s Departure:
  “I asked her not to go… she put a good face on it, like, 'Oh, you’ll be fine, you won’t even want me to come back.' So I felt silly asking her to stay.” – Stephanie [03:04]
• Childhood Logic:
  “It never crossed my mind to turn to [my mother’s friends]... So I totally blamed myself for a long time.” – Stephanie [04:16]
• On Caregiving and Loyalty:
  References to Sinead O’Connor’s similar feelings of wanting to care for an abusive mother:
  “That’s where we’re getting our sense of love—from the love that we’re giving.” [05:12]
• Processing Trauma:
  “We need to find a way to bring our past into the present so that we can have a conversation with it, so that we can take care of it and be compassionate towards it. That took a lifetime.” – Stephanie [09:08]

Important Timestamps

• [01:52] Stephanie describes her mother
• [03:04] The day her mother left and childhood feelings of responsibility
• [04:16] Lack of family support and internalized blame
• [06:12] Turning to memoir and the liberation of writing after her mother’s death
• [08:32] Recounting the trauma and the absence of resources
• [09:08] Unpacking the “move on” myth
• [10:58] How trauma shaped her professional caregiving
• [12:05] Life in Raleigh and looking for peace

Tone & Style

The conversation is sincere, poetic, and unflinching in confronting pain and neglect. Both host and guest balance compassion for past selves with a clear-eyed view of harm, all while respecting the difficulty and complexity of memory, trauma, responsibility, and forgiveness.

Everywhere the Undrowned: A Memoir of Survival and Imagination is available now.