A (3:29)

Gosh. And so whatever they said, bj, it really instilled that value that you're sitting there, you know, on the subway, going with that much mental dialogue.

C (3:38)

Oh. And I could hear. It was like I could hear their voice in my head. As the minutes went by, you know, as the longer that she. It was like, you know, I could hear my mom going, what are you doing? What are you doing? What did we teach you? You know what's funny and ironic about this? My mom listens to every episode of this podcast, and I know she's going to hear this story. She's never heard this story before. She's going to hear this story, and I will get a call.

A (4:06)

So values for mom and dad. So we got teaching. We got being a gentleman. I think for me, it was hard work because both sides of my family were farmers. My mom's parents were farmers. My dad's a farmer. And so it was this work ethic. You know, being lazy was the ultimate in disbelief and disdain. I can't believe how lazy this person is. And my dad still, this day, is 80 years old, still farms full time, and he can outwork anybody that I know. So I think that was so instilled in me by accident. I think. I think it's just who they were. But that value really got communicated to me, and it really sunk in. So we're communicating values to our Kids, whether we're being intentional about it or not. So why do you guys think it's important for us to get intentional about what we value as dads into our kids instead of just letting it happen?

B (5:11)

Oh, I think the short answer is because I love my kids. I mean, intentionally teaching your kids values is helping them understand who they are. If you don't have values, you don't have directions of who you are inside. You don't have a compass. Let's imagine you're going camping and you're like, all right, kid, I'll drop you off in the woods. Good luck. Good luck getting home. Like, you need a compass to guide yourself out of the woods. Life's a lot like the woods. It's confusing. Sometimes it's scary. Like, you need to know how to get out. And when you have this value system built into you, you know what true north is for you, and you know the right direction to take as a kid, and we get to help teach them those things. If we leave it up to our kids to determine their own value systems, they might make some pretty crucial mistakes. You're the dad, you're the adult. You've lived life. You've seen what is good, you've seen what is bad. You have built your value system around all those important life experiences. What better way to show love to your kids than to pass those things on to them? You can shortcut a lot of trouble in their life by teaching them something important, like the values that you hold dear.

C (6:18)

Yeah, I kind of am building on that. I think there's probably two things that will bring. If our kids have, then they're probably going to do well, and it's character and relationships. If the relationships are good, if they're able to form those well, and if they're able to have character, ultimately, I think they're going to live a life that is going to produce a lot of good things, and they're going to look back on their lives with limited amount of regret and probably a really good legacy.

A (6:53)

That leads us to our big question of the week, and that is, how do I teach values to my kids? How do I do this? How do we put some real application to this?

B (7:02)

I'm glad we're actually asking the question, because as I was preparing for this episode, I was thinking, I think my kids know what our family values are. I think they know, like, I've tried to model it.

C (7:13)

Right.

B (7:13)

But I don't know that I've ever sat down with them and, like, written it out. And so I was thinking, how many guys are like me, where they're just sitting at home and they're like, well, values. Yeah, of course, everybody knows, but we've never actually discussed it with your kids. What is it that Fosters do? What is it that Lows do? What is it that Lewis's do? Like, you need to know this and have that conversation. I don't know that a lot of my buddies have with their kids. So I hope we go over some good stuff.

C (7:39)

I think a lot happened. And, I mean, that kind of takes us to. I think the first one, which is you gotta think through what values you wanna be about to begin with. I'll never forget there was a couple, and I've talked about them before. Just a fantastic couple, terrific parents, five kids, not a single rebel. And all of them just have great kids. They're just tremendous relationships, great character, all five of them. And my wife and I went to them when my wife was pregnant with our first. And we said, hey, can we sit down with you? Just to get. We knew that they had really thought through the whole parenting thing. And so they invited us over to their house and they actually had a syllabus which was really great. There were, like a bunch of other couples there. And one of the first things he said is you have to have a vision for what you want your family to look like. You have to think through the values that you want your family to be about, that you want to teach. Because you're just. You won't unless you think through it and kind of think, okay, what's the promised land? What kind of adults do we want our kids to be? You're just not going to. You're just going to sort of float through this thing without being intentional at all. But if you think through, okay, this is the type of person I want my kid to grow into. This is the type of adult I want them to be. Then you can kind of look through, okay, I want them to be this type of adult. What are the values we really need to focus on and that we need to talk about? So what. What do we want? A couple questions I think are good to kind of ask ourselves is, what do we want our family to be about? Okay, what's the most important thing to you? How do you want your family to treat each other and to treat others outside of the family? I think is important. What do we want our kids to be like as they grow into adults? So think through those questions. One of the values that my wife and I, from the very beginning we wanted to be about people that are marginalized. We wanted to be about people who. We wanted to care well for people who are kind of on the outskirts that maybe don't fit in or, you know, maybe those that have a little harder time socially or who aren't treated as well as other people. So that's one of the things that we've focused on. So, like, you know, it's people who are lonely and, you know, so it's those. Been one of the things that we've decided, okay, this is a value of our family. We're going to focus on it, we're going to talk about it. So when we go out into a social situation, we're constantly talking to our kids about, okay, hey, look for the people who. Look for the people who look like they're not participating. Look for the people who are sort of isolating and invite them. How can we be the people who invite those folks in so that they are experiencing the rest of the things that the community is.

A (10:47)

Oh, that's great. That's great. BJ I think for us, in similar way, we had a couple 10 years down the road that I've mentioned several times on the podcast, and now they're grandparents. So it's, you know, we continue to watch who their kids have become, how they grandparent, you know, all the. All those things. And so we followed their lead on a couple things. Not exactly, but a lot of it for us, it was. It was that kindness, you know, are you being kind to your brother and sister? Are you being kind to the marginalized? You know, are you being kind just in general? That kindness would cover a lot of things in situation. The other was owning their behavior that all of us just, just own it. Just. I don't know what. I don't know where that came. I just wanted our kids just on your behavior. The other was, we want to be together, we want to spend time together. We value our time together. And then finally is our faith was very, very important to us, that we wanted that we really valued our faith and we kind of put our kids around those things. I don't think as we're talking about this, that we were as intentional about communicating that, for lack of a better word, in a formal sense, you know, Bob, you kind of said, hey, have we talked about this? Have we. Do we have a phrase? Do we have jerseys? You know, however that works. I don't think we did a great job with that. But that is something that I can. That I can see in them now, the way that they, who they've turned out to be. I think that's important. Another action step for us is to talk about this. You know, we've already said a couple of times we've seen the deficit there is, is to talk with our kids, talk about, you know, what values are important to you. Get them on board to buy in, you know, explain why they're important. You know, I think values are always going to be tied to character. You know, how do we treat each other, you know, how do we make the most of who you're, who you are and how you're wired to be? I mean, kids are just so different in celebrating who they are. And so how do we put that value into place, you know, kind of in a way of saying, this is what we do and this is why we do it. I think that's a pretty good grid just to sit around, you know, this is what we do and this is why we do it.

B (13:03)

Yeah. A value that we picked in our house. And we, we harped on this from the very beginning. When they were little, like toddlers, we would say, Lewis's don't quit. You're going to have problems, you're going to have difficulty. And we've kind of added on, we've tacked on another sentence. As they've gotten older, you can do hard things like, so they kind of go hand in hand. But really, Lewis's don't quit was our value system because we knew they were going to encounter all sorts of problems with friends, with school, with sports or band or whatever activity they were doing. Quitting was gonna be easy, but perseverance was very important and we wanted them to develop that. And so we had that established as a value early on. Lewis's don't quit. When you quit, you kind of cut off the opportunities to see what would have happened. Who knows, you might have succeeded and far exceeded your expectations, but you quit. So we never got to see what could have been. So that was an early on value and they've taken to that and it' sunk in. Now they don't quit at anything, which is great. And we told them, hey, I don't care if you fail, but I don't want you to quit. You know, I want you to try. So I think that's a pretty important one in our home. I think another action step for dads when you're trying to figure out the values is to model the values. Don't ask your kids to do stuff that you're not doing. That's not going to work that math doesn't math. Your actions are setting the tone for the family, and it really speaks to your kids more than anything else when they can look to you, see you modeling things. Doesn't matter how much you talk about things, you have to model it. And that actually came up recently in our home. One of the values that I grew up with with my parents was Sundays are family days. And so that's carried on with me now that I have kids. Sundays are family days, and we're going to hang out as a family on those days. We're going to have dinners together. We're going to do all sorts of things together as a family. So we try not to schedule stuff on those days. And then recently, we had an opportunity to kind of put that to practice because one of my son's regularly scheduled Saturday hockey, because of a conflict, got moved to Sunday. And we're like, ooh, buddy, like, now we have a decision to make. Do we actually hold to our values of Sundays or family days, or do we say, well, we'll make an exception? Because you make an exception one time and you bend on your values once and you don't model this well, now it's real easy to not follow through with it in the future. And so I had a conversation with him. I said, buddy, we're not going to do this, because Sunday's family day. And he got it. He wasn't even mad. He's like, oh, yeah, I know Sundays are family days. And I was really relieved that it kind of had sunk in so deeply, deeply with him. I could have figured out a way to make it happen, but I thought it was better to model that value and continue on. And I think that's going to pay dividends down the road.

C (15:41)

I agree. Modeling it more than anything. Again, we've said that in a lot of podcasts. When you model, what you're modeling is really going to come through again in our family. Teaching manners, teaching our kids, the boys to be gentlemen and that kind of thing.

B (15:59)

Thing.

C (16:01)

I was passing that on to my son, and he was a little bit younger, and I would ask him to open the door for his sister and let her go through and let her mom open the door for his mom. And he would do it here and there, but then he would give me pushback, and it would turn into an argument every time because he just wanted to go in and he wanted to be first. And I got tired of the arguments, and I just was sort of like, okay, fine, you know, like, I didn't Even say this to him. But inside, I just kind of thought, all right, you be whatever kind of person you want to be. But this is. But I'm just going to be what I've been taught to be and what I'm committed to being. And so I would go get all the doors. I wouldn't even talk to him about it. And for years, it was that way. And then all of a sudden, he just started doing it without me talking about it. And to this day, it's like I keep. I turn around and he's got the door. He's got the door for his sister, he's got the door for his mom without me asking. And that really made a huge impression on me, that it's really. It's more about what you model than what you actually teach.

A (17:08)

It's so true. You know, one of the things that I really hope that we've modeled for our kids, my wife and I, is having a good marriage or kind of marriage we would want them to grow up to have. Part of that's because of, you know, what I do. I've been working with married couples for a long time. At the same time, more than anything, more than any of that, and just wanting to, you know, practice what I preach. There is wanting them to say, hey, this is what this looks like. I mean, this is what it looks like. The way a man loves a woman. The way a woman loves a man. And they know that we're crazy about each other. I mean, we've. There's some things with our parenting we wish we could go back, but that's not one of them. And so. And they've had comments about that. Their friends, parents, it's just not like this. And they go, do you guys know how rare. How rare it is? And so our adult kids, especially, watching them process that, and they know that adult kids that have moved out, they know that we miss them, but they also know we're having a very good time and we're okay. Like, they don't need to be crying. We're okay.

C (18:22)

So another step that we need to do when teaching our kids this is just to affirm them when they follow through on the values that we've been talking about. Like, in that. Just the whole idea of caring for people who are on the outside or recently, my son. I saw my son kind of playing with younger. He was, like, playing with all these middle school guys. If you're in high school, like, my son's a junior in high school. Middle schoolers, you just. They're you're like, get away from me, you annoying little. You know, and. And my son just. It's amazing. He just sort of treats them as friends. Like, he doesn't, you know, he's got plenty of friends his age. He doesn't need. He doesn't need the young, but he'll just, he'll. He'll jump in the pool and he'll do stuff with them and, and he doesn't talk down to them or, you know, tell them what to do. He just kind of. He of plays with them and, and, you know, does, you know, some of the things that they think are fun and talks to them. Like, you know, like they're on his level. You know, even the, kind of. The younger guys and, and a lot of the younger guys just respond well to him from that. And we were even hearing back stuff like, hey, like, our whole family talked about your son the entire ride home because of, like, how he played with, like, some of the younger kids. And so, so I told him that. I said, hey, man, I loved just seeing you with that group of younger guys, just having fun. And, and the way that you speak to them really honors them and gives them value. And you speak to them like they're like, they really mean something. And, and I just want you to know that a number of moms have called us to tell us, and that means a ton. So I appreciate it. And my d. You know, my daughter, there have been times when she's just so great with people who are. She's been just amazing with people who kind of sometimes have some social difficulties, and she just hangs in there. She's super patient. And I just kind of. I'm like, you are just amazing. Like, the amount of patience you have, the amount of love that you have, and just kind of hanging in there with some folks that other people have a hard time with and peace out and thank you. You're just such a great friend, and I love that. So just affirming when you see it,

A (20:52)

affirming what you value, like what you've been trying to teach them, you're. I'm going to affirm that in you because that's your radar, right? B.J. when you're talking about, you know, the marginalized, you know, middle schoolers can definitely be marginalized by high school students.

B (21:08)

Another thing that happens when you affirm and you double down and say, hey, I saw you carrying out this value is it. It invites them to do it again, right? So, like, our. Our daughter, our oldest daughter had an opportunity to do that recently where she had a friend call her up on the phone. Friend was really struggling just knowing her worth, like she wasn't feeling valued or, you know, befriended by many people. And our daughter was just chatting with her on the phone for like an hour, reaffirming like, no, you are valuable. You are, you know, an incredible person. Just being kind. You guys mentioned kindness as being a value in your home. It's a value in our home, too. And so after my wife and I were kind of outside the doorway, not eavesdropping, but just walking around the house and we could hear what she was saying, and we're like, yeah, nice job. Like, that's exactly how I would have answered that. And you did it. And so when she hung up the phone, we told her multiple times, you did the perfect job. Like, you upheld a family value. Being kind, being caring, being compassionate. And so now knowing that she did it once we got the pat on the back that she rightly deserved, we hope she does it again when the opportunity is there and follows through on that value.

A (22:13)

I love that. Don't you, don't you guys love it when you see your kids being better people than you are, it's great. You know, they take it to this next level. I just, I love that, you know, I love catching my kids doing things that are right. It's just, it's. It's just fun. You just speaking those words into, you know, my love language is. Is words of affirmation. So I've tried to give that to my kids, but I think we catch them doing what it is. We're value catching them doing it right instead of when they're doing it wr. You know, BJ is like, for you going, I'm going to stop doing the wrong thing about the door being opened. I'm not going to stay that. No, no, no. But I'm going to catch him when he's doing it right. And so love doing that. You know, I love saying to my oldest one, you know, I love the way you love your siblings. You know, I love saying my second one. You know, you're. You're so funny. He's so funny. Makes me so happy. He's so funny. But I love the way he cares for his mom. He's introverted, but he'll still call his mom. You know, I think that's being kind. My daughter Teddy just, she has worked so hard on her anxiety and just the drive there. And then our daughter Nikki, who came to us when she was 9, like, just how resilient she is, like, she's crazy resilient and hopeful. And so catching those things, catching how they treat people and valuing that is just massive. This has been a great conversation, and I think it's one that Dad's listening. They know they have values, right? They know they value certain things, but I don't think most of us have been pushed to clarity. You know, hey, let's be really clear with our kids, what we value and what we're. What we value in this life and what we want to point them towards. So I think this is a great episode for that. Dad's listening. And so our pro move of the week is to get really tangible and to write out your family values together as a group so they're getting to contribute. Put them on paper and hang them somewhere in your house and where you can see them, memorize them, and hold each other accountable to them, you know, in love. Of course. This is. This is good. This is a. This is a good thing. And I think it's a thing that we're just. We're just turning up some clarity on what we value and, you know, and what we value is what we tend to focus on. So for sure, this is important. You guys, thank you. Thanks for helping me process this and think about this and hopefully helping our listeners get some clarity on this.

B (24:41)

Absolutely.

A (24:42)

So, you guys, thank you. And of course, thank you for listening. If you could go rate and review this podcast, it will help other people to find it. And as always, we want to say thank you. Thank you. Thank you for listening. We know that you and your kids will be glad that you did.

D (24:59)

Thanks again for listening to the All Pro dad podcast. Behind every episode is our amazing team producer Haley, audio and video editor Buck Buchanan, and production coordinator Corey Walliffe. All Pro dad is the fatherhood program of the nonprofit Family first, along with our motherhood program imom. We exist to help you love your family well. So remember, if you have more questions than answers, then you're probably in the right place. See you next time.