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Amy
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Ryan Seacrest
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TJ
And online now through July 18th.
Amy
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Ryan Seacrest
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Amy
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TJ
Hey there folks. One of our listeners wrote into us and she really needs some relationship help from all of us. Auralia is her name and she said her husband has moved his mistress into their home. Into the home they used to share together. No, no no no no no no. The home that they are still currently sharing. The mistress has been moved in. So Aurelia asks, should she still fight to save her marriage? My initial thought what the actual hell. Rough. You need to take your power back. And with that welcome to this ask Amy&T.J. edition of Amy&T.J. where we address the question from a reader listener. It was written into us in our weekly Yahoo column. This is the question, the latest one that we have for this week. Robes. And you go through the comments and you noticed a very particular and a theme we haven't seen before.
Amy
Yes, several of our readers actually wrote in the comment section that they didn't believe this was a real woman with a real question. There was a suggestion that maybe because this was so outrageous that it was made up by Yahoo. Made up by us for clickbait. And you know how much, if you listen to this podcast, you know how much we hate clickbait headlines. So we, we just want to tell you, first of all, right now, we would never be a part of anything that involved clickbaiting readers or any of you all listening. So we actually just called our Yahoo producer to make sure we asked what the vetting process was, how we knew that this was actually a real question. And our producer, Natalie told us this was an verifiable email account, first and last name it absolutely 100% was from a Yahoo reader who wrote in with this question. So guys, I know it's hard to believe, but it is real.
TJ
But it was funny. Our producer even told us we didn't want to use this one either either because it was so out there it is so wild that they hesitated to even present it to us. I had. I didn't think about that. And it is way out there when we first heard it. But it's real. But I. You read through the comments. I don't. Because I can't. I can't take it. But give me an idea, better idea. Jimmy, just how many folks were questioning multiple.
Amy
I would say I had so There are thousands of. Of comments which. So this one really struck a chord. A lot of people had strong reactions. And some people say just here for the comments because they knew people were going to go to town on this particular question. Some people wrote that in. But I just. I only got through the first couple of pages of comments and there were at least 7, 8 people questioning whether or not this was an actual question.
TJ
And I wonder if some people didn't get past the actual headline, read more into what she was saying, how we responded, or they just went to the headline, made a comment, then comment on that person's comment. You know how that kind of gets going. But you all, please. I know when you first heard it, when she's saying, should she fight to save her marriage when her husband has moved his mistress into their marital home? There is more to the story. We should take a beat and not judge. And you all just hear her out. So here now is the first full question she wrote into us.
Amy
Dear Amy and TJ I am desperately trying to make my marriage work, but my husband isn't. He used to go to a nearby city to see another woman. Now she's living with us. My husband stands up for her, not for me. I do her laundry and found suspicious things in her basket. I have tons of witnesses who have seen them together. I even caught them in bed. I told them I would be burning the bed next time I see them in it. I've been told I could take my husband to the cleaners if I divorced him. But I want to make my marriage work. What should I do?
TJ
You don't even know where to start with that because you get beyond okay, this man. What are you talking about? Infidelity and respect, right? Infidelity is a show of disrespect in itself. The home part is unforgivable. You can't. You can disrespect your marital home without ever bringing somebody into it. It's a matter of how you treat and how you. How you show the person you're with that you care about them by not nobody violates the home is the argument. Just nobody can violate our home. I'm not saying it's okay for them to go to a hotel in the next town, but the home for me was such an egregious error.
Amy
She's doing the mistress's laundry.
TJ
I don't want to go that far.
Amy
That's even a whole other level that I can't get my head around. And I think that's where it lost a lot of people. As in how is that actually happening? How are you allowing that to happen?
TJ
See, I didn't get that far. Like I just. It's over because this just not possible. He's telling you he doesn't want you, doesn't want to be with you. Try to force her out. Possibly. It's just.
Amy
It might be divorce is expensive and maybe somehow, some way he thinks that she will go away or this is just going to push her out. Or maybe he just doesn't have the guts to tell her. Although he had the guts to bring another woman into their home. And it seemed as though she was still questioning whether or not anything untoward was happening, which also seems ludicrous to me. She was looking for more proof. As in people see them together. I saw some things in her laundry. What? Receipts of dinners that they went out together.
TJ
She lived in a house.
Amy
She's living in the house. What could her husband possibly be telling her that would even make her believe for one second that they're now just friends after she knows he was going to her place in another city and doing whatever he was doing with her then.
TJ
But what sign has he shown her that he wants to be married to her?
Amy
It doesn't seem like any sign. He's even. She even said that when there are arguments or disagreements, he stands up for the other woman, not for his wife.
TJ
Okay, so this Ro, she asked what should I do? And this is something. I think you spoke on it in the column more eloquently than I can. Coming from a woman's standpoint, what her challenges could possibly be. So this is where we want to give a little grace and not judgment here. We don't know what her situation is. Does she have family she can turn to? Does she have anywhere to go? Does she have any money? Are there any kids involved? There is something that's making her desperate to hold on and tolerate this.
Amy
Look, I also was thinking if she's staying home doing the laundry, doing the other woman's laundry, it may be, I don't know how long they've been married, that he was the head of the household and she was the homemaker or the stay at home mom. She didn't mention children, but perhaps she isn't working and perhaps, yes, there is a huge financial strain and that's very scary knowing you have to go out on your own and figure things out. Maybe she doesn't have a job, maybe she doesn't have any support system and so she's trying to make her marriage work. Maybe she still loves him, but maybe she's. It's scary. I don't know how many years she's been with him and how many. How long she's gotten used to living a certain way or being in a certain home. And leaving that all behind seems very overwhelming. And, gosh, we know going through a divorce, hiring a lawyer, it. It's very overwhelming. And so she may think the best thing that could happen. He'll tire of this woman and he'll stay with me. I know that's a very unthinkable situation given what's happening in her home right now. But I'm trying to get into her mindset. You just. Sometimes you get set in your ways, and it's scary to do something different. But my advice to her was to start planting the seeds so that you can get out. Start looking for a job if you don't have one. Start looking at what apartments cost if you haven't yet. Start planning your departure and start empowering yourself right now. You don't have to tell him anything, but just start paving the path for you to be able to have freedom, freedom from that unbelievable stress, emotional stress. I even said I was worried about her physical health because I cannot imagine living in that situation. And especially if I still love someone, if I still wanted to be with someone, that would be excruciating.
TJ
The other thing to possibly think about, you said your advice to her was to make a plan. I think that's. You have to have something. You can't just keep going. That's. That helps at least put a plan in place. The other thing, what advice could you possibly give? If she looks at you and says, robes, I desperately want to be in this marriage, what do you advise me now if I want to stay in it?
Amy
I would ask her why. And I would say, instead of putting all that love to this man who is not showing you respect or love, put that love back into yourself. Invest in yourself. You get to this place sometimes where you feel, like, I'm nothing if I don't have him. And perhaps that's what her relationship has devolved into. But there is a moment where you can stand up for yourself, believe in yourself and love yourself. And if she loves herself, she would never put herself in the situation. I think in the column, I did say something that I learned from a therapist years ago, which was so helpful in terms of what to do. She said, you have a child. Would you want this marriage for your child? Would you want this relationship for your child? And if the answer is no, Then it's certainly not good enough for you. That is a good way to look at it because if you wouldn't want this relationship for someone you love, then love yourself and you shouldn't want that relationship for you.
TJ
It's that simple. I mean, you put yourself in that. Ask that question. Do you want your daughter living with a man who has his mistress in the house?
Amy
It's.
TJ
It's that simple. It's so weird when you put it. You've used that. I've heard you say it several times. But when you talk about other people you love, we don't give ourselves the same decency.
Amy
We don't.
TJ
Somebody else. I didn't read through the comments. I haven't seen the ones you've plucked out here. But you we talked about already. Kind of a theme was people thought this was fake, but no, this absolutely was real and came to us. So you fired up. What do you got?
Amy
All right, so first of all. And some other people were very flippant and made jokes like, oh, I'm gonna try this with my wife and see what happens. You know, recognizing most women would never put up with this.
TJ
A little. I'm okay with that.
Amy
There was some levity. There's some guys having some fun saying, oh, this is a good plan. I'm going to see what my wife says when I get home tonight. I'm going to show her this column.
TJ
Knowing good and hell well with their wife's response.
Amy
Exactly. So GB07 said this to even ask the question whether this man is worth sharing is unbelievable to me. I wasn't at their wedding, but I'm assuming their vows had some language in it that they were forming a union between the two of them, not three. It's simple. If that bow, if that vow was broke, get a divorce.
TJ
That's fair enough. Look, people survive all kinds of things in marriages. People overcome infidelity, financial issues, arguments over kids and how to raise them. Family in laws fight off all kinds of things and they get over it. Some things that you think are unforgivable. This is one where to the comment here. Aren't they saying it's this simple? Everybody finds it so simple. It's all we always good, bad, black, white. Right. It's always we want it to be simple. He's the bad guy. Don't do it. Leave. End of it. There's nuance. There's something else going on there and we should give her that grace. But I see where people are coming from.
Amy
Yeah, we don't know why she wants to stay. There could have been. There could be a lot of reasons that we don't understand. I think that's certainly something I've learned over the years. It's very easy to have an opinion from the outside looking in, and she's certainly asking the question. So, you know, hopefully she reads some of these questions and maybe feels the strength and the empowerment to go ahead and make the decision she already knows she should. Deep down within when you say that.
TJ
We talk about her, I didn't think about all the people who've written into us. I don't think about them reading other comments from other folks who read the column. I'm only thinking about them reading our advice, if you will. But I think about it now and now my heart, like, please, oh, my God, I hope she doesn't have to read this stuff that people have written in. And that's what I mean. Just a little grace, a little understanding. You could disagree, but some of the stuff, calling people stupid and no brainer and all that kind of. That's.
Amy
That's. Yeah. You don't know what someone else's life is like until you've walked in their shoes. That's just the. That's the truth. All right. Sean Marie writes this so, so sorry, but you don't have a marriage to save. Your husband is using you. Get out and take him for whatever you can get. When you divorce him, once the legal situation is settled, ghost him, block him on everything, and find someone who will respect you. I know that sounds harsh and difficult, but I managed to do this back in the 70s. It was the best thing I ever did for myself and my son. I. I hope you can realize you deserve so much better.
TJ
I have been so taken by some comments where people incorporate their own history and they give solid advice. That was so well done. The first line, you don't have a marriage to save.
Amy
I thought that was really telling, too. That line hits, it's not a marriage anymore. And maybe it was at one point and you're. And maybe our reader. She is holding on. So many of us do this. I've done this. You cling on to what was or what it was supposed to be or what it used to be. But at some point, you have to acknowledge what it is. And certainly I think Sean Marie put it very, very bluntly, but very correctly. You don't have a marriage to save. All right, we've got the next comment from Bob. So he starts. My husband moved his mistress into our house. You want to know if your Marriage can be saved. Of course it can. But why would you want to? You suffered the greatest betrayal. You deserve so much better. He doesn't love you or respect you for sure. Do not waste another breath on him. Right around the corner is a man who will love you and respect you and make you number one in his life, not number two. I appreciated the hopefulness of that. I think sometimes, you know, when you're in this situation where you feel desperate, trapped, you can't get out, there's no future. You. Sometimes it just takes one person telling you, hey, the person who's going to be there for you, the person who's going to respect you is right around the corner. But you have to get rid of this guy first.
TJ
That's step one. That's those two comments were great advice and I forgot to ask you this. At the top you say usually in the columns, our weekly column, it's almost overwhelmingly guys commenting. What do you get on this one?
Amy
More women chimed in on this one. Really? I think women were just so up in arms. They still had a lot of guys, but I definitely saw more women chiming in on this one than usual.
TJ
Okay, we got a couple more comments to share with you all, including one from Wendy who summed this up in four words.
Amy
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Amy
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TJ
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Amy
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TJ
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Amy
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TJ
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Amy
And 365 day returns again, quince.com TJ welcome back, everyone to this edition of Amy & TJ. This is our Ask Amy & TJ based on our column on Yahoo. It's in the live section. And this week's was a doozy. So many people were so taken aback by our reader who wrote in Orlia. Orlia, right. Oralia. I'm having a hard time saying her name. Auralia. She's asking if she could stop, still fight, should she still fight to save her marriage even though her husband has moved his mistress into their home? And so we've had a lot of reaction, even some disbelief by some folks who read this column. But we assure you this is real and this is happening. So Wendy in the comment section wrote this, put it very succinctly. The answer should have taken only four words. Your marriage is over. And then Wendy adds, this woman has no self esteem. I felt like that was a little harsh, Wendy, because I get it. But that's, it's, gosh, it's just so hard to put yourself in that situation. It didn't start out that way. I'm sure she married him because she loved him and he loved her and they had some beautiful times together. And you're just, I can understand clinging onto that hope and wanting it to be something that it isn't anymore. And yes, maybe over the years her self esteem was whittled away. You know, maybe she lost who she was along the way. That happens to so many women. I've been there. I think so many women have been there. And so I believe that Auralia can get her self esteem back. But the first step is by acknowledging that this is not a healthy place to be.
TJ
When do you. That's one of the shortest comments. Probably. You saw, she essentially wrote two sentences and it hits, your marriage is over. This woman has no self esteem. That sounds a little harsh, but it also might be true.
Amy
Yeah.
TJ
And again, it might not. Knocking Wendy here. It might sound harsh on paper, seeing it read, but she might have said it with a lot of heart and a lot of understanding and maybe a lot of empathy for what the lady is going through. So I appreciate these comments.
Amy
Sometimes, I know sometimes things seem harsh, but sometimes people need to hear it bluntly for it to resonate, for it to kind of hit home. And so, yes, Wendy did bring it home with her comment. Let's now go to John M. This one was really interesting to me, John M's comment. So I wanted to share it here on the podcast. John M. Writes, I was a bit of a hippie when I was younger, and no doubt these kind of alternative relationships can work and be very beneficial for everyone if everyone is on the same page. I lived with two ex girlfriends back in the early 2000s, and it was great most of the time, even for them. Ultimately, this line was funny. Ultimately, it didn't work out because of typical issues, alcoholism, prescription drug abuse, gambling. But it could have. And there were moments where I think we were all on board with it. I liked that they were friends and lovers as well, and they had good times hanging with each other when I was out of town or working odd hours. You have to have a level of confidence and emotional security which most don't have. So Jon M. Is talking about, hey, clearly this is a threesome. Even if Auralia isn't involved in it, she's kind of. Maybe she's a satellite around what could be a threesome, but he was kind of basically pointing out to the fact that alternative lifestyles can work, but only when three people are agreeing to the situation, which Aralia is clearly not agreeing with.
TJ
Okay, so I. Do I have this right now that. Can I ask, when we first got her question, did anything in your mind make it feel like this was an actual throuple? Intentional throuple?
Amy
No. And, but, but the fact that she is still living there and living with this happening in her home. I did have the initial thought maybe she doesn't mind having someone helping out with groceries or house cleaning and maybe she's sick of having sex with her husband. I mean, there are women who are not interested sexually anymore in their husbands and actually don't mind having a girlfriend around or another person in the house to help with the. Maybe the bills and the chores. So I was thinking, could that be something? Could there be some benefit to her at some point when why would she stay? My mind did go there not thinking that maybe she was interested in a throuple or the threesome thing, but just that maybe it wasn't or isn't all bad. Otherwise why in God's name would she stay for one more second?
TJ
I was fascinated. John had a very interesting write up. But the funniest part obviously was it didn't work out because of typical issues, you know, alcoholism, prescription drug abuse. He said he was a hippie back in the day.
Amy
But. And that's funny because to John M. Those are typical issues that everyone deals with.
TJ
We got it good.
Amy
That actually. John M. Thank you. That, that actually made me laugh so hard when I read that comment. But you know that just. But that is another example. Everyone has very different versions of what is normal. Everyone has very different versions of what.
TJ
Is typical and what is a relationship and what is love and what you can tolerate. And we all look and judge and you do. How dare you. That works for you. If you're not hurting yourself and somebody else, knock yourself out. Do you think? But this, I don't know how atypical this is. This is not a throuple situation. What show are we watching now that has a throuple?
Amy
Oh yes, it's a 90 Day Fiance Thruffle. And.
TJ
And it's breaking down.
Amy
It's even that when all three people are consenting adults and willing participants and excited, it's still. It unravels pretty quickly. They say two's company, three is a crowd. I mean you certainly see that happening. Not that it can't work, but you can see where it's hard Enough with two people at a third. I can't even imagine adding that dynamic into an already difficult situation because relationships are hard. Even good relationships are hard. And I think you live enough life. Haven't you heard? Well, at least some of my friends over the years start telling me about things they've done to cope or to spice up their marriages, and it wouldn't be for me. But you don't know what's going on behind other people's closed doors as much as you even might think you know someone.
TJ
Do we need to spice up our marriage in some way? Baby, what would be your thing? What's spicy? What would be spicing up like you d. Dressing up like a babe?
Amy
I've had way. I've had way too much flavor in my life. I would like to. I like. I'm all about keeping things.
TJ
What does that mean, too much flavor?
Amy
We've just had a lot of.
TJ
All the two of us.
Amy
A lot of spice.
TJ
I thought you were going to say, like, you used to dress up like a.
Amy
Now you know how you don't, like.
TJ
Cocktail waitress or something.
Amy
Nah, I wasn't going there. I wasn't gonna. I wasn't gonna. Yeah, I wasn't gonna jump on that. But I'm very happy. I want peace. I want love. I want respect. That's all I want.
TJ
Well, let's give a rallya a little bit of that. She could use some peace. She could use all of our love. And she could use respect from our own damn husband. So you all, thank you for always listening and also thank you all for chiming in. We got a cool thing going here now with the Yahoo column. We really appreciate it, having some serious conversations. But for Auralia, please know we're. We're thinking about you, love you. And we really want you to be in a better situation.
Amy
We certainly do. And thank you for listening. You can check us out again. Yahoo Live section. Ask Amy and tj but for now, have a wonderful day, everybody.
Ryan Seacrest
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Amy
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Amy
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Podcast Summary: "Ask Amy and T.J.: 'My Husband Moved His Mistress into Our House. Can Our Marriage Be Saved?'"
Episode Details:
The episode begins with Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes addressing a compelling and distressing question sent in by a listener named Auralia. Unlike the main theme of the podcast series, which focuses on Aubrey O’Day covering the Diddy trial, this episode pivots to offer personal relationship advice, showcasing the hosts' versatility in handling sensitive topics.
Auralia reaches out for guidance, revealing that her husband has moved his mistress into their shared home. She expresses deep anguish, stating:
Auralia: "I am desperately trying to make my marriage work, but my husband isn't. He used to go to a nearby city to see another woman. Now she's living with us. My husband stands up for her, not for me. I do her laundry and found suspicious things in her basket. I have tons of witnesses who have seen them together. I even caught them in bed. I told them I would be burning the bed next time I see them in it. I've been told I could take my husband to the cleaners if I divorced him. But I want to make my marriage work. What should I do?"
[Timestamp: 05:58]
TJ Holmes begins by expressing disbelief and concern, emphasizing the severity of the situation:
TJ: "You need to take your power back. And with that welcome to this ask Amy&T.J. edition..."
[Timestamp: 02:45]
Amy Robach addresses skepticism from listeners doubting the authenticity of Auralia's story, reaffirming its legitimacy:
Amy: "...we would never be a part of anything that involved clickbaiting readers or any of you all listening... It absolutely was real. So guys, I know it's hard to believe, but it is real."
[Timestamp: 04:37]
Amy and TJ dissect the complexities of Auralia's predicament, exploring possible underlying factors such as financial dependence, lack of self-esteem, and emotional entanglement. Amy suggests:
Amy: "Maybe she doesn't have a job, maybe she doesn't have any support system and so she's trying to make her marriage work... Start planting the seeds so that you can get out."
[Timestamp: 09:13]
TJ reinforces the importance of having a concrete plan:
TJ: "You have to have something. You can't just keep going. That's... that helps at least put a plan in place."
[Timestamp: 10:56]
The hosts share and analyze comments from other listeners, reflecting a spectrum of opinions:
Sean Marie's Comment:
Sean Marie: "You don't have a marriage to save. Your husband is using you. Get out and take him for whatever you can get... you deserve so much better."
[Timestamp: 15:37]
TJ appreciates the bluntness:
TJ: "That's so well done. The first line, you don't have a marriage to save."
[Timestamp: 17:10]
Bob's Perspective:
Bob: "Of course it can. But why would you want to? You suffered the greatest betrayal... He doesn't love you or respect you for sure."
[Timestamp: 16:10]
Wendy's Four-Word Insight:
Wendy: "Your marriage is over."
[Timestamp: 17:45]
Amy acknowledges the harshness but recognizes the truth:
Amy: "Sometimes things seem harsh, but sometimes people need to hear it bluntly..."
[Timestamp: 25:07]
John M.'s Alternative Relationship Commentary:
John M.: "I lived with two ex-girlfriends... alternative relationships can work... but it didn't work out because of typical issues like alcoholism, prescription drug abuse, gambling."
[Timestamp: 25:28]
Amy reflects on the feasibility of throuples:
Amy: "Even if all three people are consenting adults... it's still. It unravels pretty quickly."
[Timestamp: 26:36]
Amy emphasizes self-love and empowerment, urging Auralia to prioritize her well-being:
Amy: "Instead of putting all that love to this man who is not showing you respect or love, put that love back into yourself... start empowering yourself right now."
[Timestamp: 11:21]
TJ echoes the sentiment, highlighting the importance of self-worth:
TJ: "Do you want your daughter living with a man who has his mistress in the house?"
[Timestamp: 12:16]
The episode concludes with Amy and TJ reiterating their support for Auralia, encouraging her to seek a healthier and more respectful life. They acknowledge the difficulty of her situation and express hope for her future well-being.
Amy: "Auralia can get her self-esteem back... the first step is by acknowledging that this is not a healthy place to be."
[Timestamp: 24:44]
TJ: "We want you to be in a better situation."
[Timestamp: 30:28]
Amy Robach: "You deserve so much better."
[Timestamp: 15:37]
TJ Holmes: "Do you want your daughter living with a man who has his mistress in the house?"
[Timestamp: 12:16]
Sean Marie's Advice: "You don't have a marriage to save. Your husband is using you. Get out..."
[Timestamp: 15:37]
John M.: "Alternative relationships can work... but it didn't work out because of typical issues like alcoholism."
[Timestamp: 25:28]
Conclusion: This episode of "Ask Amy and T.J." delves deep into the emotional turmoil faced by individuals grappling with infidelity and the invasion of personal sanctity within a marriage. Through compassionate dialogue, diverse perspectives, and practical advice, Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes provide a supportive space for listeners facing similar challenges, emphasizing the importance of self-respect and empowerment in the journey toward healing.