E405 Halloween Hangovers and Top Tier Candy Handers

Summary

Podcast Summary: And That's Why We Drink – Episode E405: Halloween Hangovers and Top Tier Candy Handers

Release Date: November 10, 2024

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1. Embracing Parenthood and Halloween Traditions [01:00 – 10:00]

In this episode, hosts Christine Schiefer and Em Schulz share their experiences as parents during Halloween night. Em humorously admits feeling unusually sleepy the morning after trick-or-treating, likening his experience to making an "adult mistake" akin to a "teenager mistake" (01:00). Christine adds levity by questioning this perspective, suggesting it was more of a "little kid mistake" (01:18), reflecting the playful dynamic between the hosts.

They recount their first year handing out candy, estimating they distributed about 15 pounds of candy to approximately 150 children (01:59). Em expresses surprise at the difference in neighborhood participation, noting that while some areas received over 500 trick-or-treaters, their immediate vicinity only saw around 150 kids (03:55). This discrepancy highlights the varying levels of community engagement during Halloween festivities.

Notable Quote:

"When we last recorded, I was saying I was nervous I didn't have enough candy. How'd it go? I guesstimated the exact right amount, which was 15 pounds of candy." – Em Schulz (01:59)

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2. Memorable Encounters and Unique Costumes [10:00 – 30:00]

Christine and Em reminisce about the unique and sometimes quirky costumes their children encountered. They describe interactions with children dressed as well-known characters, handmade outfits, and imaginative creations. A standout moment involves a child in a homemade robot costume who humorously "scans" for candy, leading to a lighthearted exchange about categorizing shapes with their child, Leona (13:05 – 16:09).

Another memorable interaction includes a seven-year-old child comparing Christine to his principal, resulting in an awkward but amusing confrontation (27:55 – 29:01). These anecdotes underscore the variety and creativity that children bring to Halloween, making the night both challenging and entertaining for parents.

Notable Quote:

"She's wearing that grumpy toad like four days in a row. So we just put her in the ghost spider outfit. And they were like, we like your costume." – Christine Schiefer (15:08)

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3. The Great Candy Dilemma and Social Experiments [30:00 – 50:00]

The hosts discuss their strategy for handing out candy, emphasizing generosity by allowing kids to take more than one piece if they wished. Em reveals a playful experiment where they offered children a choice between candy and potatoes, surprising Christine by distributing several bags of potatoes due to unexpected high demand (95:00 – 96:56). This unconventional approach led to mixed reactions, with some children preferring the novelty of a potato over traditional treats.

Christine shares a particularly memorable moment where a group of teenage girls eagerly chose the potatoes, creating a humorous and confusing situation for the hosts (95:57 – 96:56). The experiment highlights children's unpredictable choices and adds a unique twist to their Halloween narrative.

Notable Quote:

"Honestly, nine out of 10 kids took the potato every time." – Em Schulz (95:14)

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4. Dildo Town Humor and Ongoing Jokes [50:00 – 70:00]

A recurring comedic element in the episode involves playful banter about a fictional or humorously portrayed town named "Dildo." The hosts engage in witty exchanges, imagining scenarios and creating fictional lore around this peculiar town. They joke about traditions like “Screech In” ceremonies and the infamous “Dildo Monster,” blending humor with dark themes.

The conversation takes a creative turn as they invent elaborate stories about the town’s history, local festivals, and mythical creatures, all while maintaining a lighthearted and humorous tone. This segment showcases the hosts' ability to balance humor with storytelling, keeping the audience entertained.

Notable Quote:

"He’s going to crossbreed Dildo Monster." – Em Schulz (90:50)

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5. True Crime Segment: The Kidnapping of Jacob Wetterling [70:00 – 140:00]

Shifting gears from Halloween antics, Christine and Em delve into a true crime story—the abduction of Jacob Wetterling. They provide a detailed account of the events:

• The Crime: In January 1989, 12-year-old Jared Shirel was abducted and raped but managed to escape. Later that year, Jacob Wetterling, an 11-year-old from St. Joseph, Minnesota, was kidnapped on Halloween night (75:00 – 116:53).

• The Investigation: For decades, the case remained unsolved until advancements in DNA profiling in 2012 linked the crimes of Jared and Jacob to Daniel Heinrich. Despite being a person of interest, Heinrich evaded conviction until a breakthrough DNA match led to his confession (117:30 – 132:10).

• Impact on Families and Community: The hosts discuss the profound impact on Jacob’s family, particularly his parents Patty and Jerry, who became advocates for child protection and founded the Jacob Wetterling Resource Center. They also touch upon the wrongful harassment of Dan Rassier, another individual initially suspected but later exonerated (132:10 – 140:10).

• Closure and Legacy: Jacob's remains were found thanks to Heinrich's confession, bringing closure to a heartbreaking case. Christine and Em reflect on the resilience of Jacob's family and the importance of advocacy and advancements in forensic science in solving cold cases (140:10 – 140:10).

Notable Quotes:

"Jacob became a household name throughout the country." – Christine Schiefer (116:18)

"He was on the brink of solving something that completely destroyed a life." – Em Schulz (132:32)

"Jacob has taught us all how to live, how to love, how to be fair, how to be kind." – Patty Wetterling (136:18)

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6. Reflections and Future Plans [140:00 – End]

As the episode concludes, the hosts reflect on the emotional weight of discussing such a tragic true crime story juxtaposed with their earlier Halloween tales. They express both sorrow and admiration for Jacob's family and the communities affected by these events. Additionally, they tease upcoming plans, including recorded segments from Texas, and encourage listeners to join their Patreon for more interactive content like monthly live streams and Yappy Hours.

Notable Quote:

"We're waiting for the printer to work again, so we can... We're not leaving without our certificate." – Christine Schiefer (56:07)

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Conclusion

Episode E405 of "And That's Why We Drink" masterfully blends lighthearted Halloween stories with the gravity of true crime, showcasing the hosts' versatility in handling diverse topics. From playful exchanges about trick-or-treating and fictional towns to the somber recounting of Jacob Wetterling's abduction, Christine and Em provide a comprehensive and engaging narrative that captivates listeners.

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Note: Advertisements and promotional segments interspersed within the transcript have been omitted to maintain focus on the episode's primary content.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

See DutchBros.com the 2025 Ford Explorer ST.

[A]

Has a 400 horsepower engine. It's up to you what you do with that power. The 2025 Ford Explorer, it's all in the name. Horsepower and torque ratings based on Premium fuel per SAEJ1349 standard. Your results may vary. Hi everyone. Em is feeling a little sleepy, I'm guessing.

[B]

Yeah, more than usual because I'm always sleepy. But I, I'm just, I'm so sleepy today. And I, I, I made a, an adult mistake. It feels like I made like a teenager mistake of like, oh, I, I drank too much. No, I just sat outside in my own yard and trick or treated too much.

[A]

And so you did like a really little kid mistake. Like, not a teenager mistake.

[B]

Oh yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, it's like I just missed nap time.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It was our, it was our first. By the way, when we're recording this, it's the night after trick or treat.

[A]

Halloween. It's November 1st. Sorry, November 1st.

[B]

No, I, we were outside from like 6:00 to like 10:00 or something. I will tell you the. When, when we last recorded, I was saying I was nervous I didn't have enough candy. How'd it go? I, I guesstimated the exact right amount, which was 15 pounds of candy.

[A]

Okay. How many pieces is that?

[B]

Well, see, I'm not a wet blanket and I.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

Every kid should get a handful, not a piece.

[A]

I'm not saying that. That you are. I'm just saying how many pieces is 15 pounds of candy? I have no concept of how many pounds. I just know by the bag size.

[B]

I'm saying as someone who's not a wet blanket, as someone who's going off of the handful, not the one piece rule, then it was about, it seemed like about 150 kids.

[A]

No, no, I know, Sorry. That's what I'm saying. I know I also give handfuls, but I'm saying how many pieces are £15? Like how many did you buy? Because I'm curious. Like, because my concept of Buying candies only is not by pounds. I don't really understand the pounds, but maybe that's a better way to look at it.

[B]

I only. I mean, I just looked at the bag and it's. Each one was like, I think two pounds, but it was like the big fat party pack ones.

[A]

I'm curious. Anyway, so I.

[B]

It was probably like. I mean, it was. It was at least eight party sized bags of candy. It'll say, like, pounds on.

[A]

I never thought to look at that. And I think that's probably a smarter way to do it than pieces because, like, if you're doing multiple pieces, it doesn't. Yeah, it doesn't. Like, anyway. But we did have some kids come and, like, try to empty the whole bowl. And I'm like, okay. I say you can have a few. But, like, there was two kids that.

[B]

I can't get out of. I can't shake them because the way that they really lunged for it when they were given permission, I was like, oh, my God. It's like, you've never eaten before.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, but they're.

[B]

But then I was also, I think that kid. So I was trying to have a little grace. I was like, okay, karma. Like, they're stealing my candy. And I took a lot of people's candy when I was a kid.

[A]

Yeah. Also, spoiler alert for being, like a homeowner now. You're gonna, like, see those kids again, and you're gonna be like, oh, here they come.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're gonna recognize certain kids. It's so fun, though, that you do trick or treating now. How so? 150 kids, you said about. That's a good amount.

[B]

Yeah. But I was kind of shocked because I. I looked online, I'm in like a bunch of Burbank community things, and all of them were saying, like, we get like four or five hundred kids minimum. And what I didn't realize they were talking about was, like, a few streets away from me.

[A]

Oh, yeah, the street makes a huge.

[B]

Difference, which, like, it's so wild that when you just walk a block, all of a sudden totally changes. And now there's like traffic on the street.

[A]

Our neighbors come and stand in front of our house to give out candy because they're like, nobody's on my street, like, just one Caddy corner over.

[B]

That's what happened with me and Allison, where, like, we were between, like, two non participating houses. And so we were like. But that also means, like, on a dead street with non participating houses on either side, we still got 150 kids.

[A]

So it's a lot.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I, I was hoping for the experience of, like, it, like, it just being an overwhelming amount of children that I could just give candy to, but I was creepy as that sounds, but no. Creepy. Yeah. At the risk of sounding like a creep, where the are all the children?

[A]

We already established the date, thankfully, so everybody has to give us a pass.

[B]

No, I, I, but it was, it was weird because we got to, like, the last, the last part of the bowl where I was like, oh, God. Like, based on how things have been going, we thought about, like, do we run out and get more candy? And it ends up being the perfect amount. And we, like, met some of our neighbors, which was nice. We met a fan, so.

[A]

Hi. Hey.

[B]

Now that you know my address, we have a secret. Please don't tell anyone.

[A]

Hi, Bailey. Bailey said, honey, Mommy listens to that lady's podcast. And I went, oh, howdy.

[B]

Oh, I, I heard m. Yeah. And I went, I love that.

[A]

There was not even a question in mind. It was like, see that lady over there?

[B]

Yeah. So, hi, Carolyn. Hi, guys. And then we had friends that used to be our neighbors at the old place come and visit us at this place to say hi. They got candy, which was nice.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

And then guess who fucking ended up being one of my trick or treaters was my friends from ISS That I haven't seen in, like eight years.

[A]

What?

[B]

They, like, literally grabbed candy on my.

[A]

Bowl, and I was like, such a small world sometimes.

[B]

It's so weird. Yeah, it's so huge.

[A]

But it's like, sometimes you're like, what? What?

[B]

Well, also, like, so they have, they had little, little kids the last time I saw them, and now their kids are, like, teenagers. And one of their kids grabbed candy out of the bucket, and I was like, I swear to God, that looks like a five year old I once knew.

[A]

That looks like a five year old I once knew. Wow.

[B]

Yeah. And then they ended up. So now they, they, they said like, oh, we, we get food. We, you know, near here, once a week, we'll call you. So now we might be rekindling.

[A]

Okay. I love that. A little friendship.

[B]

Anyway, it was very fun. Afterwards, we, Allison and I ordered a pizza, and then we held the pizza box and walked around and ate pizza on the street while we looked at all the lights, which was very nice. So that might be a new tradition.

[A]

So romantic.

[B]

What about you? How was your trick or treating? How was our Grumpy Toad?

[A]

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. She was so grumpy.

[B]

But the problem is I'm grumpy today. So I guess today I'm the grumpy toad.

[A]

You get it? No, she had a high fever, and so we were like, oh, no. She's always sick on Halloween. But, like, this is the first year she's, like, really excited. Yeah. And, like, gets it and, like, has a better concept of time, you know? And so she, like, was so tired, she was nodding off in the middle of the day, and we're like, please, take a nap. And she wouldn't. She wouldn't. We said, what's wrong? And she goes, I don't want to sleep through Halloween.

[B]

I don't blame her. It's got. It's like, the biggest event of her.

[A]

Life at 4 years old up until now. And so I was like, oh, honey, we're not going to let you sleep through Halloween. Like, we'll wake you up no matter what. Literally three seconds later, Blaze said she was just unconscious. So we got. I know we got a big nap in her. I got some Tylenol in her. And she had the best mother effing time. She walked to all the neighbors, and then she would come back, sit on our porch while other kids, like, walked by and trick or treated and just eat, like, whatever pieces she want. Then she would, like, empty them into a bowl on our porch and walk back out and say, okay, Daddy, let's go. And then they would go on, like, another, please. Yeah, chop, chop. And then Jeeves. And then she'd say, ciao, ciao, and go off to, like, the next wing of the neighborhood and go that way. She came back with so many full, like, full size. Because all, like, a lot of the families know her, I guess, and they're like, oh, I put aside a special one for you. And I'm like, damn, girl, you're three and you have more friends.

[B]

Social butterfly.

[A]

Yeah. Anyway, it was great. We had, I would guess probably this year, like, 11. No, like, 900. Some kids. It was.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

It was crazy. We ended up, like. We thought we way overbought candy.

[B]

Because I bought a bunch, if you had to guess.

[A]

I know. Well, I don't know. And I'm like, that's why.

[B]

How did it fit a row in your car? Like, how? Like, size wise, what did it look like?

[A]

Yeah, well, the problem was we bought them on all different days from different places. That's why Blaze and I, like, both ended up buying a ton and didn't realize the other one did. And then I had some coming from Amazon and I was like, oh, they're not gonna make it in time. So we went out and bought a bunch more anyway. So it kind of came from all over, but it was like 1600 pieces or something like that. But that's why I was asking you about the pieces. I was like, I don't know, I should go look at the pounds anyway. But it was great. There were so many kids. I think a lot of kids in like the smaller Kentucky neighborhoods drive up to our part of the, you know, town for. For trick or treating. So it was like, it was really nice.

[B]

Nice. Yeah, there was. I looked on the. My community pages and everything. After the fact, somebody was actually counting how much candy they actually brought. Not. Not in pieces. Not in pieces, unfortunately, but.

[A]

Oh, damn. My only frame of reference for some reason, I'm like, probably the only one on earth who like does it by pieces.

[B]

Ours was like eight to nine party. Like big, Big.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

Bags. And that was £15. They. They ended up having to do like, because they were on the. The main street. That was really crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they bought 50 pounds of bags. So like three. Three times what I had. So that's like 30. 30 party sized bags. And they were like. We still ran out of candy. It was.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

Yeah. So I'm. As much as I wanted to be part of that scene and I thought that's. I thought this like, whole street was gonna turn to like Halloween town. And it was actually the street, like next door. I'm actually really grateful because I'd be so fucking annoyed. Eventually I'd be like, I can't get a word in with my friends. I have to keep handing out this candy.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Like, I feel like when you're on kind of the thoroughfare like we were, it's like you don't even have a second to like, think before there's another family staring at you.

[B]

We had, weirdly, the perfect. Not only the perfect amount of candy, but the perfect amount of like, space in between for like.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Because Allison and I, we could have done the classic, like letting the kids knock on the door, but without triangulating myself. It's easier for the kids to access us if we go.

[A]

I think people are outside nowadays, unless it's like really bad weather. I mean, we were outside with just umbrellas. I feel like everyone on our street was like, playing music and everyone was out at the front door.

[B]

Yeah, we had music going and stuff like that.

[A]

Also with dogs. Like, I think people are like, no, don't ring my doorbell.

[B]

Like, sit outside, actually, that's a great point, too. Yeah. But. Yeah, so we just. We just sat out by our. At the front of our house, and kids came up, and there was one.

[A]

That's one of my favorite part. That was what I was. One of the things I was most excited for becoming a grown up was handing out candy, because I was just like, it's so special. I don't know. To be part of it.

[B]

I had. Yeah, I. I was trying to bring the energy that I always wanted from a candy giver.

[A]

Exactly. You can be that person for the kids.

[B]

I was like, no one's. No one's looking. Not even. Not even mom. Grab as much as you want. Like, and then they would say, like, jacob, take one. And I'd go, jacob, take three.

[A]

We did that so many times. We're like, don't listen to your mother.

[B]

Yeah. And then people would walk by, like, a second time on the way to their car, and they'd be like, we already stopped here. And I'm like, you can have more candy.

[A]

Yeah. And then sometimes the parents. Like, there were a couple pregnant moms, and I was like, will you. My mom was like, please take some candy. And they were like, we gave. Oh, no, I'm. You know, I'm an adult. And we were like, to eat it.

[B]

We gave so many adults candy. It's shocking if. If. I wonder if even not on an actual Halloween night, on any given night, the way that joy showed up in people's eyes, if I just shoved the bowl in their face and I was like, do you want a piece of candy? And they'd be like, I don't have any kids. And I'm like, I didn't ask if you have any.

[A]

Yeah, that's not what I asked you, weirdo.

[B]

I'm like, halloween's for everyone. Like, who told you that's not true? And I will say it was nice. The first and the last trick or treater were door knockers, so it did feel. Classic web.

[A]

Oh, you. So you got that experience. Nice.

[B]

Yeah. I. I wanted to tell you there was someone. My two favorite people that came by. One of them remind me of Leona, a little kid in costume because she had such a little attitude.

[A]

She.

[B]

She walked by and she went, I don't want any candy. And then she skipped away. And then she stopped and turned around and went, just kidding. And then she came right back, and I love it. Robbed us. And then there was gorgeous person who this kid.

[A]

Just kidding. Just kidding.

[B]

That she, like, took all of it. There was one kid dressed as this little. Like, it was a handmade outfit, and it was a robot costume, and they couldn't even see through their own costume. And they were like. They were like, can you put the candy in? I can't see. And I was like, for that, you get half of this bowl for sure.

[A]

The, like, least effective robot in history can't even pick up candy.

[B]

Well, so then when I put candy, all of a sudden, his, like, his. It was like a cardboard robot thing. He clearly had, like, an LED light or something in there. And as soon as I put candy in, the light turned on in his mask, and he went scanning. Robot scanning. And then he went, candy complete. And then he just ran away.

[A]

Okay, hold on. Every year, Eva, write this down. Every year, we're gonna do, like, our favorite trick or treaters of the night before. I think that's really fun.

[B]

I mean, that was like. That's a absolutely character. Just. Yeah.

[A]

I want to hear more about candy scanning and all the homemade costumes.

[B]

Who was your favorite?

[A]

Oh, my gosh. Now I'm trying to think. I was just always so surprised by how sweet some of the kids were. Like, they would just turn around, go, thank you, ma'am. And I was like, oh.

[B]

They clearly. I was telling Alison. I was like, they clearly got such a lecture, like, before they left the house of their mom being like, do not fudgeing. Disappoint me. Do not.

[A]

This is a big moment.

[B]

Because every single kid who would only grab one piece tattled on themselves. And they were like, I think I accidentally got two. And I'm like, I'm not your mom, kid. Take five. What's wrong with you?

[A]

Accidentally got two. That happened a lot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I feel like it was all a blur. I can't even remember what my favorite costume was. There were some where they were clearly homemade, and I was like, I have no idea what you are, but it is cracking me up.

[B]

But the effort is there.

[A]

Yes. I'm like, I. You're really owning it, whatever you are. Yeah. There's nothing, like, super, like, creative, though. Like, I don't think.

[B]

No. Costume wise, what was the most common one?

[A]

Oh, my gosh. We didn't even have a lot of, like, princess. Like, Elsa's. We had some.

[B]

I was gonna say ours was Elsa's. Your Leona was onto something with Grumpy Toad.

[A]

She knew. She knew that she had to be the odd one out, but there were a lot of, like, Minecraft and, like, things that I don't really understand where I'M like, okay, I know. Sort of that. That's a thing. Young people. Like, there was a spongebob I was excited about a little girl. Spongebob was cute. Yeah.

[B]

I saw. Okay, we saw three Pikachu's, and for one who. One who was like a little baby, and he was, like, trying to figure out the concept of grabbing a piece of candy. We. His parents were like, I'm sorry. And we were like, no, we were big Pokemon fans. The dad whipped out Pokemon cards and just gave them to us.

[A]

Wait, what? Oh, hell yeah.

[B]

I know who picked this kid's costume.

[A]

So you got a trick or treat, literally.

[B]

And they were trick or treat themed Pokemon cards.

[A]

Wait, that's really cute. Yeah.

[B]

Who knew I was gonna tell you the. This is, like, a one that's trending on TikTok right now. But I saw one in real life, and it blew my mind. Was someone dressed as Doug Dibidome, home of the Dimmesdale Dibadome from Fairly OddParents.

[A]

That's very good.

[B]

And the hat, like, it was. It went so high that they couldn't walk through the trees. Like, it just kept knocking off. But everyone they walked past would go, Doug dibadome.

[A]

And he'd go, oh, it must feel so good when people, like, actually recognize you and you're like, hell, yeah. Well, Leona thought everyone recognized her, because I made her a name tag that said Grumpy Toad from Pete the Cat. And then I bought a sticker book and put stickers of the characters so people would be like, oh, I recognize that. So people would be like, hi, Grumpy Toad. And she's like, I am Grumpy Toad.

[B]

No, that's you, probably. I don't think you realize how much better you made her Halloween.

[A]

Oh, she's gonna remember, because as a child with a very thick German accent, when I would try to tell people, like, I'm the elf from the Hans Christian Anderson series, and everyone else is.

[B]

Like, I'm a cantaloupe. I'm a paper bag. Yeah, something weird.

[A]

Yeah, something weird. And people wouldn't get it. And then I would just, like, get made fun of, and I'd feel so embarrassed. So I was like, that is not happening. I am putting her costume on her name tag.

[B]

But I think, you know what? It's. I think what, you know you did is that you didn't give her a bad experience. But I don't think you realize the joy of the good experience because.

[A]

Oh, that's nice. I had not thought about it.

[B]

That way, because she definitely will remember this as, like, a moment where like a hundred people recognized her. That had to blow her mind.

[A]

And then she got a king sized Hershey bar. Oh, man.

[B]

She's not having a bad day. I'm telling you.

[A]

She's having a great time. Oh, and last thing I want to say, too, I had to post for the first time in since moving here in my neighborhood forum. Like, they have this, like, e form, and the post was called have you seen my legs? Because I bought. So remember how I said last year my skeleton was stolen? So I bought another one this year, and it finally came on Halloween yesterday. I set them all up, I put in. And that's why we drink witch hat on him, because that was the only witch hat I had. And I put that on him. And then I made sure to tie him up to the door so that, like, people couldn't steal him. Right? Yeah, some teenagers, I'm assuming. I. Listen, maybe not, but some pulled the legs off of it and just, like, took those.

[B]

Is this like a. Like a. Like a viral thing? Like a trend?

[A]

No, I think people just like to take. Like sometimes people will just dig the flowers out of my flower pots and just, like, walk away.

[B]

Now I'm like, checking all my stuff in the yard. I'm like, where's my. Where's my.

[A]

For real? I don't know what it is. It's like, it's. I mean, we're near a high school, and I think just sometimes the kids just get like. And it's. It's whatever. Like, I'm not gonna hold a grudge about it. But I had to post the. The reason I posted is because I have the top half of the skeleton, and I'm like, well, what are they gonna do? They'll probably just toss it out into the sidewalk. So I said, if anyone happens to be disembodied skeleton feet, like, please let me know. So anyway, that's just my PSA today. I was very sad when I saw him missing this morning.

[B]

Teenagers. Suc. You. It got egged, right? My. No, the car. My car. Thank God. Not my actual house.

[A]

Your car got egged?

[B]

Yeah, but. But even then. But then, as I say, thank God. Not really, because, like, paint. The paint, like, starts chipping off pretty.

[A]

Quick if it dries, probably seeps into everything. Ew. M. Who did that?

[B]

I don't know. Not me. Teen teenagers.

[A]

Yeah, it was.

[B]

It was clearly a drive by. Like, our car was not targeted.

[A]

But last night.

[B]

No, I. You would think it was on A.

[A]

Random say it was on. It was on Halloween.

[B]

Random. Like, August night when we moved in. It was.

[A]

And it's a hot month. Oh, that's rude.

[B]

Oh, well, I. I'm sure they thought it was hysterical. But, like, fun fact, if you do get egged, the. Once the egg dries, the paint starts chipping on your car. Lol. But if it happened on the house, then it's hard to clean, and then your house smells like rotten eggs. So.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I don't know which I prefer, but.

[A]

It'S not good either way.

[B]

But because they're teenagers and they stay up until like, four in the morning.

[A]

Can'T, like, catch them.

[B]

Well, no, I was gonna say because they were up until 4 in the morning and then we. I was, like, leaving for the airport at, like, six in the morning. Like, I caught it while it was running.

[A]

It looked like someone you happen to see. I see. Okay.

[B]

It looked like someone, like, snot rocketed all over my car. It looked disgusting. And then, like, thank God I saw eggshell in there. And I was like, okay, it's just egg. But it had to get. We saw it while it was still able to get washed off, so yuck.

[A]

Well, I'm sorry that happened. I. I don't envy you. I hope it got cleaned.

[B]

It did. Anyway. Teenagers suck.

[A]

Teenager scare. Remember when we thought that was, like, our anthem? And now it's like, no, it's how I really feel about teenagers.

[B]

Yeah, we're scared.

[A]

We're so scary.

[B]

And now I'm just like, no, you're just annoying. And that's what scares me, is, like, you're so unpredictable with how annoying you are.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. I'm just scared of not feeling relaxed because you're gonna do something that annoys me.

[A]

Like pulling the legs off my skeleton is not even gonna get you a nice Halloween decoration. It's just now two broken pieces of a. Like, at least make it a good prank. Like, come on.

[B]

Also, the invincibility of teenagers freaks me out.

[A]

They're out of control.

[B]

I'm just like. And I remember feeling that way too, so.

[A]

I remember when you told me to fucking paint a Starbucks lid and put it up by my skeleton, and I just didn't have time.

[B]

I'm just saying it would have maybe. Only I. I wonder if someone would have seen that and go, oh, no.

[A]

That would have been wild, though, if the legs were. If it got stolen. And that stupid Frappuccino lid was like, well, that didn't work, but we tried. Oh, God. Okay. I'M so sorry. Anyway, this is a long intro, but after Halloween we, we gotta catch up. So.

[B]

No, I think people would like to hear our spooky, spooky stuff. I also would like to know what. If you guys want to write in the comments, I want to know what our like, listeners actually dressed up as or what their family dressed up as.

[A]

I bet people have creative costumes in our, in our audience. I mean, we know that we did the, we did the Halloween costume contest. Yeah. And we have some great ones. It was very hard to pick, but we did end up picking some winners. I believe those are going to be announced at some point also. Sorry I was supposed to mention this. I hope Eva's not having a heart attack, but we need to announce a very quick thing about Patreon, which is just that, um, it's an Apple iOS situation. They changed. You've probably heard this on other podcasts that you listen to, but they changed the signup process for Patreon. Um, essentially if you sign up through the App Store, you end up paying like a big surcharge. And so we're just encouraging people to go onto the desktop, like. Oh, just a web browser.

[B]

Patreon.com.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, exactly like the actual site. Just because we don't want people to get overcharged. And that just kind of goes straight to Apple. And you know, I think we can all agree even if they are hard up, they're, they're fine. Okay. So we don't need your hard earned money going there if it doesn't have to. So yeah, you can go to Patreon. And on that note, we did an awesome Patreon Halloween live stream. It was super fun.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And it was so fun that I think we decided maybe we want to make that a monthly thing.

[B]

Yeah, I would like to. I will. I really enjoyed that. Before it was during COVID or before COVID but we used to do a monthly Instagram Live. And then, yes, it was pre covered.

[A]

Because there was no way to do two distances yet. That's why we had to stop.

[B]

Yeah. And so I, that was always one of my favorite things to do because it's at least once a month when people can actually interact with us. It feels like we're talking to you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So I, I would like to do that actually. Probably I like that more maybe than yappy or.

[A]

But I think. Well, because we looked at the number. We crunched the numbers, folks. We crunched the numbers. And by that I mean I looked at them one time and they weren't I mean, people come to the Yappy Hour, but it's not that many. And it feels like maybe people aren't as excited about it as they were about, like, the live stream. So we're thinking of potentially just doing a monthly live stream instead of the Yappy Hours, but we're gonna put a poll on Patreon so that people can weigh in with their options, their favorites.

[B]

Well, I. No, I actually, I. I really prefer the live stream more than the Yappy Hour because I feel like the Yappy Hour is just like a. Another podcast episode, which is fine, because that. I mean, that is basically.

[A]

But it's always about just something kind of. You don't know what to expect. It's kind of random, which is fine too. But.

[B]

And I. I always. I love a live stream. I love interacting with everybody, so I. I'll always take that over anything else. So same.

[A]

And now that we know, like, we have the right software and stuff, I.

[B]

Feel like it'll be easier and certainly better than it was pre Covid, so.

[A]

Oh, and Em made a good point too. Like, we could do, like, more seasonal ones, so like a Christmas or a, you know, holiday live stream.

[B]

And Yeah, I wanted to. I suggested that Christine and I open our Christmas presents on a December one.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Because we usually do it as like a. A Patreon special, but it's like, I kind of like, sometimes the. I'm giving you things that have to do with the show, and then no one gets to, like, it feels like we're not part of that, you know? Right.

[A]

And we're not going back to look at comments later. So it's like, oh, now we can actually see people react and they can see us react live. So.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anyway, sorry, that. Sorry, Eva, that I forgot to mention that.

[B]

But it would also give people a chance to, like, weigh in on, like, what they want to talk about during the live stream, like, if there's anything they want to ask.

[A]

Like, ask questions about things. Yeah, yeah. Like, I have to talk about how I was polter groped because someone asked about the ghosts in my house.

[B]

That's crazy. Yeah. For people who weren't on the live stream, Christine had something touch her in her house on her bubbies.

[A]

Boob.

[B]

Yeah. Has it happened since?

[A]

No. Last night I was like, oh, my God, it's gonna happen because I talked about it. But no, no, it didn't happen. So maybe they're giving me a little space. I don't know. We'll see.

[B]

Okay, well, good luck to you and thank you, the twins. So. I'm sorry. That' gross. Christine, I really need you to do me a favor.

[A]

Oh, okay. Anything.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I know. I was like, I just want to see what happens if I say anything.

[B]

This is. This is certainly doable. I wrote this. These notes with the intention that you are going to really fucking bring it. In terms of banter.

[A]

Good thing I brought a vape pen.

[B]

I was going to say, not to put you on the spot, but I need you to, like, be a really good podcaster today.

[A]

I'll be on my A game music. Say no.

[B]

It's easy.

[A]

It's gonna be easy. Okay. Okay, I'm ready. Watch me be so bad at bantering, because now I know I should banter, and I'm like, wow, the pressure's on. And suddenly.

[B]

I promise you, the prompts are very clear.

[A]

Excellentante. Okay, well, I will also say real quick, I was on an episode that I know you did the same thing. Gak gossip at the corpse cart with Lucy and Amanda from Wine and Crime. It was you, me, and my brother, all three in a row for three months, so.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yes. So I got my. My shot, and we recorded day, and Amanda just goes, oh, don't worry, you can vape on the show. And they all both pick up their vape pens. And I was like, wait, where's mine? And I pull mine out, and they were like, oh, my God, we. So I thought, wow, they're so much cooler than me.

[B]

They feel. You feel so seen.

[A]

Yeah, they feel so seen. I can't believe I don't have to hide it. Anyway, sorry. So, yes, I am prepared to banter.

[B]

Okay, Take. Take a big hit. I won't. I won't do the thing that I want to do, which is tell you information, so you can choke, because I want you to choke on smoke. That's great. Crazy.

[A]

Yeah, that would really be bad for audio.

[B]

But I would like you to. To get warmed up if you.

[A]

Okay. I'm super weird about doing it on camera, so I'll just hide away.

[B]

Just hide. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you know, if a principal saw you, you'd be in so much trouble.

[A]

Oh, my God. I just remembered my favorite trick or treater. This little boy walked up and said, what's your name? And I went, what's your name? And then he went, you look a lot like my principal. And I went.

[B]

Such a painful thing to say.

[A]

I was like, excuse me. And, like, came up and he looked at me and he went, never mind. And he took a whole handful and walked Away. And I was like, that was the weirdest thing.

[B]

That was. I mean, in the world of trick or treats, that was a trick for sure.

[A]

I know, it was so rude. And the way that I tell you, this child was probably seven, like really small. And he's like, what's your name? And I was like, is that how you talk to your principal?

[B]

I like how as a seven year old, he's like, ye. I know you're not someone who's gonna piss me off on Halloween.

[A]

You get.

[B]

I know you're not about to put restrictions on my good time when a.

[A]

Six year old just walks up and goes, what's your name? I was like, excuse me, what's your name, child?

[B]

I either want to be on your side or I want to run very far away from you. Yeah.

[A]

I was like, next year I should dress as like a principal and see if that kid comes back.

[B]

Oh, did you get that kid's name? It'd be funny if you like gave him like a detention.

[A]

Well, I said, what's your name? And he's like, he's like, I'm not telling you. And I was like, well, I'm not going to tell you.

[B]

His parents are cops. I can already.

[A]

I know. I was. Because he's.

[B]

He's like, I don't show your badge number. I'm not telling you anything without a lawyer.

[A]

This game. Mommy, that lady asked for my name. Okay. He asked me first.

[B]

Yeah, trust me, I know. I was like, am I gonna get in trouble with any of these kids if I get too wild and out?

[A]

Yeah, start wilding out.

[B]

Okay, where were we? Oh, yes. I'm about to tell you a very good thing. Well, a very silly thing. And I think. Okay, anyone who knows this topic has probably been eager for me to talk about it. Christine.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Can you name every single subscription you have gone. Okay, so I know I can't name all of mine, but. And Christine obviously can't either. It is just awful. At one point, I tried to list everything that I have a subscription for, and all I did was get scared and realize that I'm was blowing my money.

[A]

The list never ends. And it's like the more you do it, the more scared you are. And that's why. Also, yes, we're talking about Rocket Money, by the way, folks. But I'm in the same boat as you. I'm where sometimes I'm like, rocket Money. Can you do it? Can you look and tell me I'm too scared to look? We. We even sometimes put like the podcast Card. I have my podcast card on there and it'll like tell us how much we're spending like during tour versus not and on supplies. I just freaking love this service.

[B]

With Rocket Money we don't have to remember every subscription or worry about forgetting any because we can see them all laid out right in front of us. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings, see all your subscriptions in one place and know exactly where your money is going. Which I mean I was the way I the way that I need a list. I just want it all right there.

[A]

Somebody needs to do that for me right? Not I don't want to do it myself.

[B]

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com drink that's rocketmoney.com drink rocketmoney.com drink. This is the dildo monster. What are you very excited. I'm what this or the monster of Dildo Pond?

[A]

The dildo Monster. So good.

[B]

I have to tell you now you're going to forget halfway through that a monster is coming because the first half is just obviously a deep dive on the dildo monster.

[A]

So I'm going to forget and then the dildo monster will like suddenly surprise.

[B]

Me and then she'll appear. Yes.

[A]

That's just excellent news. Thank you.

[B]

So I, I, I have some extra notes I couldn't, I couldn't tear away from this. I have extra notes that I texted myself later. So I'm going to be going between two sets of notes so at some will slip up and go away from this one. I just couldn't, I couldn't get myself away from this big dildo monster. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

I mean I have the number of times I've heard you say that.

[B]

Which by the way, rest in peace to my algorithm.

[A]

Every piece of oh I imagine you're.

[B]

Yeah the immediately I mean even like tick tock like that in more ways than one. They're like truly every I don't know what the right words are but after searching this my entire computer I'm surprised didn't just shut down because just set on fire when you type in Dildo monster. I'll tell you, Cryptid is not the first thing that comes up.

[A]

This is like when I do beaches 80 and I'm like searching for like blue lives matter blankets on Amazon to read reviews. And then Amazon's like we got the perfect gift for you this holiday season. I'm like, what's happening?

[B]

I'm telling you, the. The way that fantasy sex toys are.

[A]

Oh boy.

[B]

Just.

[A]

You're showing on my phone holiday wish list. Oh my God.

[B]

And remember, I'm the Charlotte. So this is. Every time I turn on my phone.

[A]

I just go, Apparently I'm also the Charlotte, so maybe we're both just. I didn't know. Wait, so you're the Charlotte too?

[B]

Well, I. In the actual bedroom, I would be a Charlotte for sure.

[A]

Oh, oh, oh, I see. I see. You're the Charlotte of like being. Yeah. Of sex toys.

[B]

Uh huh. But between the two of us, we both know that the gamut runs from Samantha to Charlotte.

[A]

Understood.

[B]

Okay, I'm looking at a Samantha. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

No, I don't see her anywhere.

[B]

Okay, so this is in. In a town called Dildo. Newfoundland.

[A]

Dildo, Newfoundland. Impeccable.

[B]

There are about 1200 Dildoians.

[A]

Stop it right now.

[B]

And fun fact, in 1938, Amelia Earhart stopped here to refuel.

[A]

Yeah, she did.

[B]

I have a feeling she knew exactly what she was doing.

[A]

That is really good. That's really good news. I'm glad she got to see that before she passed.

[B]

I love that she had a map and she saw. Well, I'm obviously refilling in Dildo. There's just no way. I'm not.

[A]

Where would I possibly go? I'll reroute for a few miles just.

[B]

To get there, because it's been named Dildo for centuries. So she definitely at least landed and went, what is this place? And they went, welcome to Dildo. And she went, oh, yeah, I'm with the right people.

[A]

They probably did like a little welcome Dildo O'Reilly.

[B]

Dildo parts.

[A]

Ow. Penis parts.

[B]

So, okay, Amelia Earhart has stopped here and now because obviously of the name, other celebrities have stopped by. And this is where I now go into a deep dive. I was not going to do these notes and not look up why the fuck this place is called Dildo.

[A]

Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So, fun fact, dildos have been a concept. Do you want to guess how long dildos have been around?

[A]

Certainly well before probably the wheel. I'm thinking. Thinking caveman era. I don't know. Go ahead, tell me.

[B]

Since the ice age, at the very least.

[A]

Okay, so yeah, great.

[B]

So almost 30, 000 years ago.

[A]

Since the dinosaurs?

[B]

No, since people realized they could get freaky with whatever's nearby.

[A]

I suppose it must have been one of the first lessons they figured.

[B]

I mean, you didn't have Internet or books like, you gotta get. You gotta kill time somehow.

[A]

Do.

[B]

Yeah. So they've been around for, I think, 28, 000 years.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

But the word dildo itself did not always mean sex toy. Since the 1700s, the word dildo actually just meant any random cylindrical object.

[A]

Really?

[B]

So if it was a cylindrical object, it was a dildo.

[A]

Dildo is such a funny word. Like, separated from being a sex thing. Like, I know dildo. Like, it already sounds very silly, which.

[B]

Is wild because, like, it's certainly of the things it is. It is not sexy. Like, it's not like, oh, pass the 100.

[A]

That's, you know, great point.

[B]

You would think dildo.

[A]

Oh, I know the perfect match.

[B]

You would think a modern sex toy would have, like, a sexy thing. Like, you would say, pass me the.

[A]

I mean, honestly, like, if they just. If they just called it the cylinder, like, that even sounds better. Mysterious dildo. Like, I mean, come on.

[B]

Dildo is pretty mysterious, I guess, but it sounds too silly that no one even cares about it's mysterious business.

[A]

Exactly. It just sounds very unsexy.

[B]

Like, you said, as we're talking about sexy, as I was doing you and.

[A]

I know what sounds sexy, so I'll.

[B]

Tell you as the Charlotte of the podcast, I know sexy. Allison came out this morning and saw me working on these notes, and then she went, and she just saw at the top of the page, it's a dildo monster. She just went, oh.

[A]

She's like, I'm gonna go back to my Excel spreadsheet. She was like, sorry, I even looked.

[B]

Looking forward to tuning in. I gu.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

And we would think because she lives with me, she would get, like, early intel, but she very much was like, I don't want to.

[A]

She's like, I actually don't want that. I don't want any intel. I regret looking at all.

[B]

So, okay, dildo means any random cylindrical object. So any. You. You know what? You. Now that you know this and Blaze doesn't, you should just mention anytime you see a cylindrical. I mean, my ld. Is that not a dildo?

[A]

Oh, my gosh, you're right. So I'll be like, pass me the dildo.

[B]

And it'll just be like, I'm gonna put this dildo to my mouth and let the liquid just. See? Drink it up.

[A]

Okay, I'm going to pour the contents of this dildo straight into my mouth. I like. I like that very much. Like just a street lamp. I'm trying to think of other things.

[B]

I mean, you are teaching Leona shapes. No yeah, sure.

[A]

I mean, I know that's a dildo. That's. That's.

[B]

That's your rhombus, I think, dildo.

[A]

And that's your classic rhombus. Thank God I'm here to teach you about this.

[B]

All she has to know is, like, circle, square, dildo, and then everything else is a rhombus. Because it's just.

[A]

That sounds like correct to me. I crunched the numbers, and I think they're correct.

[B]

Who taught you that line? Because that's hysterical and you've said it twice.

[A]

I can't stop saying it. I started saying it the other day, and I thought, that's funny. And I said, someone.

[B]

See, you're teaching Leona things while you're still. You're learning from others.

[A]

I'm learning so much.

[B]

Okay, so, yes. Cylindrical object. So maybe the area was called dildo. Not to be funny, but because, like, it had, like, a cylindrical shape or, you know, could have been anything like that. But there were other theories as to why the town might have been called dildo. One being that there is a local bush. Lol. Bush.

[A]

I was like, oh, wow. This is. This goes deep. This lore goes very deep.

[B]

There was a local shrubbery, I should say, that was actually called a dildo tree. And so it's kind of just like this one. Honestly, I think I looked up dildo tree, trying to. I looked at dildo tree, and guess what I found?

[A]

Let me check, because I just googled it. Also, Oops.

[B]

Is it just a Christmas tree covered in dildos?

[A]

Because that's what I got, actually. Whoa. This one's a dildo in the shape of a Christmas tree. That looks painful. I will be honest with you.

[B]

My understanding from the very limited actual information I could find was that a dildo tree is like a cactus of sorts.

[A]

Oh, okay. Interesting.

[B]

Or at least it's cactus shaped, which. Yeah, a cactus is a dildo shaped tree.

[A]

Leona's like, I'm learning plants. Like, that's another dildo. She's like, I'm so confused. I thought a dildo was that street lamp outside.

[B]

I mean, the best part really is a hot dog.

[A]

Shape wise, listen, that's a dildo, you.

[B]

Know, and it's a wiener. Now it's a dildo. Is it. Is it a real wiener or a fake wiener? Now I don't even know.

[A]

I'm gonna.

[B]

Oscar Meyer way in.

[A]

I'm gonna hold off on having this conversation with Leona. On second thought.

[B]

So it could be named after a tree. Just like how, like, we have Joshua Tree. And it's named after Joshua Tree. What is it? It's a cactus.

[A]

A common name used for several species of long, narrow cactus. And then they have like different types of. Oh, it's the ones where they have like little. They go like this.

[B]

Oh, the classics.

[A]

But not even from like, they're like. Let me send you a picture.

[B]

Oh, it. Like they all start from the root.

[A]

Yes, yes, exactly.

[B]

It's like three fingers coming out of.

[A]

The ground, a bunch of dildos coming out of the ground.

[B]

Ah, trois, if you will.

[A]

Well, more. More than twa.

[B]

I think it's more like the orgy.

[A]

Traits 17 in French. Oh, wait. Wow, that's beautiful. Anyway, a picture.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

And then. Oh, my God. Imagine seeing this and going, yep, that's a dildo. Hold on. Oh, this to the group right now, this is on the Wikipedia for oh, my dildo cactus.

[B]

See, this is the exact opposite of a dildo.

[A]

That is what you would really run away from.

[B]

Way to explore.

[A]

Thank God it was the ice inside of you and there weren't giant cacti to experiment with.

[B]

Yeah, they look like those fake hot dogs out in nature that are on a stick near the pond.

[A]

Oh, yeah, those are always so rude.

[B]

Which also is a dildo. I mean, by definition, so.

[A]

You're exactly right.

[B]

Speaking of French, another theory of why this place is called dildo is because it might stem from French or the French term il do, which is. Is island of water.

[A]

Oh, well, that also tracks.

[B]

It could also mean a. It could come from the old Spanish word for the bottom of a boat, which I tried looking up what the hull of a boat is in Spanish, and it didn't look like anything resembling dildo.

[A]

So, as in dildo.

[B]

Okay, I don't know if that one lands. And then they also think it could be Italian, which is. It could be a bastardization of the word diletto, which means delight.

[A]

Oh, that's cute. Cute.

[B]

So maybe you say diletto enough times. You say dillodo, dillodo, dilledo, Dildo, Dildo.

[A]

I can see that.

[B]

Since it's a nautical town, it could also stem from.

[A]

So there's probably not cacti there then.

[B]

Right? That's what I understand. But maybe there was a plant that looked like it in the 1700s.

[A]

That's true. It could have just been a different.

[B]

Yeah, but since it's a nautical town, because it's like a very maritime. It's a small boating fishing town. It could be named after the cylindrical shaped pegs on boat oars. Which they are the shape of a dildo.

[A]

Cylindrical shaped peg. Okay, sure.

[B]

So that's another theory. Or it could be everyone's favorite theory. Which let me double check my text and make sure I haven't forgotten anything yet. Nope. Perfect. Okay. I just want to make sure that I say it all. You're going to love this. Okay, so everyone's on the edge of my seat. Everyone's favorite theory is that that. So the name, the town has been called dildo since 1711. At least that's the earliest documentation we have of it.

[A]

Wow. Okay.

[B]

Which is why I gave the whole history of what dildo even means. In the 1700s, it could have just meant cylindrical.

[A]

Right. It just is very funny that they didn't know what they were doing when they named the town.

[B]

But they might have because. So the first time the town was documented, it was Dildo Island. And Dildo did have an E at the end. I'll say so, like, oh, okay, maybe it had nothing to do with dildos at all. But the explorer and land surveyor who came into this town, his name was Captain James Cook. And Captain Cook, he was the surveyor of Newfoundland. And him and his assistant named Michael, which I like to think it was Michael Scott when you hear the rest of this. They had the job of not only documenting and mapping out the land, but naming all the parts of the land as well.

[A]

Stop it.

[B]

And they loved seventh grade humor.

[A]

No, it's thought that they were just.

[B]

Naming places and hopes to make each other laugh and then writing it down so they wouldn't forget where they were going. And they were like, oh, well, maybe the thought was like, oh, we'll write an actual name later, but for now, let's just call it this thing. And so, oh, here are some other examples of things that they named on Dildo or near dildo. There is Tickle Bay.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

There is Cuckold's Cove.

[A]

No way.

[B]

Conception Bay.

[A]

Stop.

[B]

Gay side. Which probably meant happy side at the time. Blow me down. No, Spread Eagle Island. Two islands that they named our ladies bubbies and then rename them to the twins.

[A]

You're kidding me.

[B]

And then farther up the coast is Ass Rock.

[A]

Stop.

[B]

And literally just spelled Ass Space Rock.

[A]

That's when they, like, ran out of the jokes. They were like, let's just call this one Ass Rock and move on.

[B]

I, I. So I imagine they, that was the situation. But then they even had another one called. It was something called like Leading Tickles or something where it was very, it's badly sensual.

[A]

Badly sensual.

[B]

So Anyway, they. They named all of the areas those things. And what are the odds it's in a town called Dildo?

[A]

Immediately convinced, like there is no way you can unconvince me of that at this point. Also, what was the other one? Wait, the one that shocked me the most, I think Cuckold's Cove. Not Cuckold's Cove. There's one a few later.

[B]

Oh, Conception Bay, gay side, blow me down. Spread Eagle Island.

[A]

Spread Eagle. Spread. There is no way.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

Even in the 1700s that spread eagle didn't have some sort of connotation. And then all the other ones come.

[B]

On and on top of it. So this is the. The main area called Dildo. And it was the largest of three islands to get to Dildo Tip. So I mean, I mean it's like right there. And so what I think happened is that this town was maybe called Dildo island with an e. And it actually didn't. Was either like a bastardization of a different language or it. It was cylindrical shaped. I. And I think he was a 12 year old and he got on the island and went, haha, Dildo, Dildo. And it started the. The gears of him saying all these shitty little kids.

[A]

That makes so much sense.

[B]

That's my guess. There's no, there's no written word of that.

[A]

But I mean like, that makes so much sense. It's like, oh, the island started it. It's called. Yeah. I feel like he was supposed to do.

[B]

I feel like he was like, oh, I am actually here to do a job. And then he saw the island was called Dildo and he was like, well, today's gonna be.

[A]

Yes, finally. Yeah, I get to be creative. Wow.

[B]

It's like, oh, well, what would be at Dildo Island? Obviously Cuckold's Cove, you know, so Spread.

[A]

Eagle and Ass Rock. I mean, come on. Yeah, like, that's amazing.

[B]

I think that's what happened because if you think about it as much as people say, oh, Captain Cook named the place that was in the 1760s. And there's documentation of Dildo island from 1711. Right. So.

[A]

So they had already named it that for whatever reason. And he's like, dildo. I'm. My God. M. You get it? I think I know how a teenage boy work.

[B]

I just had to deal with like 100 of them last night everywhere. So some people have petitioned to change the name of the island, but so many of the locals love it, especially because it brings in tourism for their small fishing town.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

So I mean, I'm not going to change it.

[A]

Grown to just, like, not feel weird about it, you know?

[B]

I mean, when you live in a town called Dildo, I think you just don't even hear it as Dildo anymore.

[A]

Exactly. Exactly. Hey, so guess what? I finally bullied Eva into buying all of her entire wardrobe from Quince because it's about time she gets on the bandwagon.

[B]

She was literally wearing one while we recorded Just.

[A]

I know. Damn. That's our personal endorsement right there.

[B]

Yeah. Quince is the perfect fall cozy vibe. Eva has the cashmere fisherman crew sweater. I think all of us actually have the cashmere. Yes, it's a dream. We look like Rory Gilmore. It's perfect. Especially when all three of us are together. We're just the Gilmore Girls.

[A]

It's just layers upon layers.

[B]

Y of I called the grandma. So.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, good. You deserve it. Anyway, we love everything we've gotten from Quinn's. I have bedding, towels. I mean, everything you could possibly imagine. It's actually kind of alarming how my house has turned into a Quince Depot. I think. Anyway, Quince is known for their Mongolian cashmere sweaters from $50. And it's not just that. All Quince items are actually priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands.

[B]

And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical and responsible manufacturing practices. And of course, premium fabrics and finishes for that luxury feel in every piece.

[A]

Days get cozy. And Quince's high quality wardrobe essentials go to quince.com drink for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.

[B]

That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com drink to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com drink so with today's tourism, one of Dildo's most precious traditions to the visitors is. So if we went to Dildo, you and me?

[A]

Me when we go to Dildo.

[B]

You mean when we go to Dildo.

[A]

Let's speak it into existence.

[B]

There is.

[A]

I'm gonna be driving you through Texas next week. I'm gonna be like, I gotta refuel. I'm gonna take a quick detour.

[B]

Okay, Amelia, I'm gonna just do a.

[A]

Quick refuel in the rental car up in Dildo.

[B]

Well, so there is a ceremony that the locals host for visitors coming in to make them honorary Newfoundland Newfoundlanders. And it is called a Screech in What? And a Screech in. It's a ceremony where visitors and newcomers drink for the first time the local drink called Screech and it is a very high alcohol rum. Some sources said it was up to 80 proof screech. And basically the way that screech came about is that a long time ago Newfoundland would trade COD with Jamaica for their rum.

[A]

Oh, interesting.

[B]

And so what made this really special though, this was like actually such a smart business move, is that these bottles of Screech in Jamaica, it was this, this rum in Jamaica they would make it at 140 proof alcohol and it was not meant to be drank like that. It was more of a concentrate that you dilute later.

[A]

Wow, that is smart.

[B]

But the reason that they would do it that way is because if they made it that potent, you could save money by shipping either less bottles of it or you could ship a normal amount of bottles, but you would have like quadruple the amount of alcohol in those bottles.

[A]

Yeah, it makes total sense.

[B]

So it allegedly got its name Screech because a non Newfoundlander came to town and saw locals drinking it. And I guess they were in, I don't know. In his mind he was like, I have to keep up with this guy and he's drinking a lot. And so he saw that he was drinking screech and he was like, oh, I'll take a shot of Screech. And he didn't know it was 140 proof. And so he took a shot of 140 proof booze and he screamed and someone in the bar was like, what was that? Screech? And the local apparently said the screech tis the rum of like, oh, that scream. That was fucking like we all would.

[A]

Say at the bar after somebody just wait. Okay, so is the point is the idea then that they, they received this rum but they didn't know that it was a concentrate or they just like. I think he was just a concentrate.

[B]

I don't totally know if people drink it as a concentrate. If they do, I think it's just for the ceremony. I think the point is that, oh, we're going to make it really high alcohol. So that way you get four times the amount of alcohol when it gets to you and then you can dilute it and have four times the amount of drinks that bottle would usually give you.

[A]

Is the like traditional drink, just the original 140 proof, I think.

[B]

Well now, now I think because it's easier to ship things. It looks like it's highest, it's like 80 proof. So it's on the level of like a moonshine or something.

[A]

Right. So it's just a type of rum basically that they're drinking.

[B]

And screech also now is like, loosely used for all high content, kind of cheaper rum.

[A]

Gotcha. Okay. Okay, interesting.

[B]

So if you see screech in stores, I know, like New England also sells it and other parts of Canada. Apparently it's not specifically this Newfoundland Jamaican rum anymore. It's, you know, it's. It can be high alcohol. Yeah. Okay, so back to these screech inns. This, like, ceremony that the. The locals will host. They're. They do them a lot of times at, like, local bars. Like, there's a. There's a brewery that's big on in the town, and it's called Dildo Brewery, by the way, of course. And also the town also does, like, boat excursions for. For tourists. So they'll do screeching sometimes on the boats.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And it's this initiation ceremony where native Newfoundland Newfoundlanders welcome tourists as honorary Newfoundlanders. And it happens. It starts with the leader of the ceremony. The masters of ceremonies, I think is what they're called. They are. They run the screech in by wearing often like a yellow fisherman coat or like a fisherman hat. Like the classic one that you see, like Paddington wearing or something.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And he's like, supposed to be Mac something. I don't know the right word. But anyway, he basically. He pokes fun and he's like kind of joking around with the whole crowd. That's the whole thing is like he's. He's like making jest with you, right?

[A]

The emcee.

[B]

The emcee, exactly. And sometimes he will also make visitors wear the same clothing. So they'll have like a fisherman's hat or a raincoat to put on. And first thing the leader will do is sometimes say like a. A poem that's local to the town or tell a local story. Here is one of the common poems that they will tell the tourists at the beginning of the ceremony. From the waters of the Avalon to the shores of Labrador we've always stuck together with a rant and with a roar to those who've never been. Soon they'll understand. From coast to coast we raise a toast. We love the new Finland land.

[A]

Oh, that's really nice.

[B]

And after this, a lot of the ceremonies will then have you eat a new fee steak. Newfoundland steak, which is a slice of baloney.

[A]

Wait, really?

[B]

And then sometimes also, like, it'll like bread or something. They. It's just to like, oh, here's some, I guess, local food. I should have done a deep dive of like, what the hell? Newfie steak is random. Oscar Meyer, weigh in again. So next, to show gratitude to the fish and the fishing industries that built the town of Dildo, they bring out a actual frozen fish for you to kiss. But if you were. But if you're too squeamish, they will also. They have a stuffed penguin. And you can, because the stuffed penguin.

[A]

I wonder how many people actually kiss the fish.

[B]

I. I think a lot of people. I did a field trip when I was in high school where we were, like, on a march marsh for a weekend, and they had us all kiss a fish.

[A]

Wait, really?

[B]

Yeah. I refused to do it because I was.

[A]

Of course you did, because you're terrified smart.

[B]

I also. I'm so scared of fish. I know, I know. But, yeah, I would have been like, bring me the plushie penguin.

[A]

Bring me the penguin.

[B]

So after you then thank the fishing gods, I suppose, for bringing all this.

[A]

For making out so well, for doing.

[B]

So well with Dildo. Sometimes they'll also make you stand barefoot in a bucket of salt water or something. It's kind of like just making like. It's like rituals. Baby, baby hazing. Like, silly stuff that, like, everyone can laugh together with. Like, oh, now put your foot in the salt water.

[A]

Like, tradition there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's cute.

[B]

And then apparently he always asks, either, are you. Is you a New Finlander? Or the more slangy local way of saying it is, is ye a screecher.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

And then you're supposed to respond, I hope they have it, like, on a post or somewhere, because I would not be able to remember this.

[A]

Oh, no, it's long.

[B]

It's not long. It's just in this, like, slang, this old slang, but I don't know what is it indeed, I is me old and long may your big jib draw. Which.

[A]

Very long. I can't remember that.

[B]

I certainly wouldn't remember it. Apparently, it means, yes, I am. And Mayor Sails always catch wind.

[A]

That's nice.

[B]

That's lovely.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So finally, then, everyone takes a shot of Screech together, and visitors are then, depending on the location you do this at some places will give you a certificate for being an honorary Newfoundlander.

[A]

You know, you and I would be like, we're waiting for the printer to work again, so we can. We're not leaving without our certificate.

[B]

I'd be like, I came here specifically because Yelp told me I would go.

[A]

I would get a certificate.

[B]

Please don't make me kiss another fish at another location. Who will get a better review from me here.

[A]

I'LL handle this. M is really scared of fish. And you made them kiss. An actual dead fish or live fish? I don't even know. Live.

[B]

It's frozen. It's usually frozen.

[A]

It's frozen and. Yeah. So let's rethink this printer situation, shall we?

[B]

I would slip him a $1 bill and be like, I think you want what I've got here.

[A]

I'd be like, hey, add your credit card to door dash. I'll order you a new printer. Here's a dollar.

[B]

The last thing I'll say about the town. Well, the second to last thing. Remember I told you eventually a cryptid shows up. I was going to say, I can't stop.

[A]

I've yet to be surprised once again by the dildo monster.

[B]

Well, in the town of Dildo, every summer, and usually it's the last week of July, the town hosts a festival called Dildo Day.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Or Dildo Days or Because. Oh, it's Dildo Days. Because sometimes it lasts several days. I mean, when you've got a good dildo, you gotta really.

[A]

How could it not? Yeah. Sometimes you can't stop out of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You know, the fun just never ends with dildo. You know, that's what they say. That should be on a shirt. I'll tell you that fun fact, in case anyone is listening to all the Samantha's out there, Actual National Sex Toy Dildo Day is September 7th, so. So have fun with that.

[A]

We missed it.

[B]

Well, for these dildo days, it is led by the town's mascot, because of course I've got a mascot.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

It is a statue in the classic yellow fisherman's jacket. His name is, of course, Captain Dildo. I have a picture for you of Captain Dildo.

[A]

Dildo.

[B]

Because I was not gonna not show you a picture of Captain Dildo.

[A]

I was wondering if, like, that could have been someone's name way back in like the 17. 16. 17.

[B]

Honestly, it could have been. Yeah. So there's Captain Dildo. I feel like I. Oh, my gosh. And so this is one picture where he looks like actually better. If you look up Captain Dildo, there's two dildos, two captains, Freudian slip.

[A]

No, I'm kidding.

[B]

But. So there's two of them. One of them looks a little more worse for the wear, so I'm thinking he might be the original. And then this is a new one by the water.

[A]

I gotcha.

[B]

But apparently I saw someone on Reddit say that they remember the day that the statue was installed. They used still they were there for the day that the statue was installed. And he remembers townspeople calling it the Captain Dildo's Erection. Stop being erected.

[A]

I mean, these people are geniuses.

[B]

I mean, it's something else.

[A]

Dildo's Erection. It's really good.

[B]

Please don't miss the erection. The big.

[A]

The big. No, the erection.

[B]

Listen.

[A]

Are you not listening to me?

[B]

Okay, so. So merchandise at Dildo Days, of course, has to be 10 out of 10. Of course, the shirts. I. I have already been on all of the gift shops of that town's websites, and I tell you, I know exactly what I want from every single one of them.

[A]

Fantastic.

[B]

And if we ever have, honestly, even like, a main or like some sort of, like, New England show, I think I'm about to just take the ferry over to Dildo at this point. Like, I can't not have a shirt.

[A]

That'S crashing your dildo party.

[B]

Well, Dildo Days. See, now we missed that too.

[A]

Days. Oh, man.

[B]

But one of the most popular things that people buy at Dildo Days is not dildos, but is a shirt that says, I survived Dildo Days.

[A]

I didn't survive. Actually. It was a little too much for me.

[B]

I actually had to leave the group. I had to. I had to go home because Dildo Bays was too interesting.

[A]

Times couldn't make it.

[B]

Events at Dildo Days includes a scavenger hunt, which I hope it's X rated, but I just. I know it's not because it seems like a family town, but I'd like.

[A]

You want it to be.

[B]

I would like the. The 20 somethings to throw their own secret scavenger.

[A]

A secret one? Yeah.

[B]

I mean, imagine having a bachelorette party in dildo. You have to. Come on, come on, come on. So there's a scavenger hunt. There's a teddy bear hunt, which I don't know what that's about, but okay. There's bingo, which you and I decimate. There is a cold plate sale, which I think means, like, chicken salads.

[A]

And I love that.

[B]

There's a bake sale. There's an afternoon tea. There's a quilt day.

[A]

This is so wholesome. Fireworks for being called Dildo Days.

[B]

I know. Fireworks. And a fishing derby, which literally sounds.

[A]

Like they said, watch. Everyone's gonna think we're gonna do, like, dildo contests. We're gonna make it so wholesome that it's confusing why it's called Dildo Days.

[B]

It's like, it feels like everyone's like old sea shanty Irish grandpa got together and just decided to like the good old days.

[A]

Yeah, we have our cold salad and.

[B]

Let'S play checkers on the deck. Come on. And apparently some other ones which I thought were more intriguing to me. One event is called Songs, Skits and a scoff. Which that just feels like a medieval jester named that and they never changed. It.

[A]

Sure, sure does.

[B]

More on par with how you and I think at Dildo Days you can also expect cornhole. Lol. Fun Wet Wet and Wild Fun day, which was vaguely not detailed to me.

[A]

It's a little too vague. I imagine a bunch of people are going to show up and be very embarrassed.

[B]

It's going to be that bachelorette party. Wet and wildly at Dildo.

[A]

And it's wet T shirt contest.

[B]

Lol. Also motorboating.

[A]

Very funny.

[B]

I was gonna say, do you not know what motorboating is?

[A]

No, I do. I was trying to. I was trying to figure out if you meant like which one. Motorboating.

[B]

Yeah, it is actual motorboating, but you.

[A]

Know, the actual boat. But like it's a play on words.

[B]

But there's gotta be a shirt that says I motorboated at Wet n Wild Fun day at in Dildo. There has to be there.

[A]

And then I'm gonna write got so it'll say I got motor Dildo Fun day.

[B]

Oh, what did I say? I motorboat.

[A]

Yeah, but that one would make more sense because like if you were driving a motorboat, it's like, oh, no, I'm. Yeah. And I'm gonna be the one that says, I got motor roaded. It'll be great.

[B]

And then the final event at Dildo Days is a church.

[A]

Of course they're like, we've sinned. Actually, we need to fix that.

[B]

Okay. The last fun fact I'm going to tell you about is that Jimmy Kimmel got wind of this town, obviously.

[A]

Of course he did.

[B]

And he had the town council on his show to ask him about Dr. And he then asked, oh, like, do you have a mayor? And they said no. This set off Quite a like 5 series bit on his show where he began.

[A]

I feel that I remember this very vaguely.

[B]

He began his mayoral campaign, opposed, against nobody.

[A]

Running unopposed.

[B]

Running unopposed. ABC apparently spent like a hundred thousand dollars to campaign in dildo. And I'm assuming that money like went to the dildo and like helped their tourism or something like that. I mean, being on the show five times in a row was certainly tourism enough for them. But anyway, it became like a weird viral bit for Jimmy Kimmel stands where they watched him campaigning in Dildo. And there was a lot of shirts that said dildos for Jimmy. It said. It said Jimmy Hart's Dildo. And basically there were signs all over the town that said Jimmy Hart's Dildo. And he even pitched merch that said, there's a little dildo in all of us.

[A]

Come on. That's really good.

[B]

At some point, Matt Damon got involved, and he was also campaigning to be a mayor there. He did not end up on top of the dildo, but the town took it very seriously. They went back on the show a few times, and ultimately they. I think they actually did a screech in on the show.

[A]

Cute.

[B]

With his assistant. I always forget what his name is.

[A]

Yes, Guillermo.

[B]

Guillermo. And ultimately they made Jimmy the first honorary mayor. There had never been a mayor in dildo. Wow.

[A]

So they actually did it. That's. Wow.

[B]

So not only is he the first honorary mayor, but the local brewery, Dildo Brewery, they made a beer after him called the Kim Ale. Kim Kim Ale.

[A]

Cute. They.

[B]

What else? Oh, because they were on. On the Jimmy Kimmel show. One of the residents wrote a song about dildo and then got to perform it on the Jimmy Kimmel show.

[A]

Cute.

[B]

And it was a song about dildo where half the lyrics are him basically doing like, l is for the way you look at me. O is. But he did dildo. D stands for dignity. I wasted opportunity to say dignity.

[A]

Yeah, Bummer.

[B]

Then I'm gonna skip. I. First. First. But L was liberty. The D. The other D is days of old. And O is the thing that finishes out the whole word. So we can all say dildo and I innocent child in dildo. Doesn't that feel weird? I feel like if I looked over the lyrics about dildo and then innocent child was one of the five phrases I used. I'd change it to, like, integrity or. Yeah, individuality.

[A]

What about innocence? You don't have to specify kids.

[B]

They said, like, the innocent child's who should never be ashamed or something. That was the. The lyric, I think. But I was just like, that's. I would have done a run over on that. I would have. Yeah.

[A]

Just a quick, like, redlining scan. So what's the O? I was confused about the O. O.

[B]

The O is. It just says, like an O finishes it, basically. Oh.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Lol. They should have said oh, like orgasm. Oh, finishes it.

[A]

Maybe that is what they're saying.

[B]

No, it's. It's something I don't remember. I don't have.

[A]

Not with innocent child. Certainly not with innocent child. That is True.

[B]

It's like. It's like an O. Rounds it out, basically, is what the.

[A]

Okay. Rounds it out. That's cute.

[B]

Oh. Rounds it out. I'm. I'm paraphrasing. You keep. You keep giving me compliments on what I'm saying. That's not the actual lyrics.

[A]

Better.

[B]

Thank you. See, all he needed was one writer's room session with me, and I. I would have said innocent child out, but there's a lot I have to say.

[A]

About Feel very weird. The big O is. Is in.

[B]

So, anyway, because they were on Jimmy show, and because, like, now the brewery is named after Jimmy, there were posters everywhere. There was merch. Still, if you go online, you will find. If you look up dildo merch, it will be Jimmy's face. And a lot of it actually, by the way, is from. If it's not a Jimmy Kimmel Merchant merch. Most of the Dildo Brewery merch you'll see, or most of the dildo merch you'll see online is from Dildo Brewery. So, of course, I got you pajama pants from Dildo Brewery that say dildo on them.

[A]

You did not.

[B]

Of course I did. What am I so happy?

[A]

I'm so happy right now. So imagine I get, like, a. Like a. An email saying, like, from FedEx. Like, your package is on the. Your package from, like, Dildo is on the way. And blaze be like, what are you ordering?

[B]

No, it's. It says Dildo Brewery in case anyone sees you wearing something that says dildo. But I got you pajama pants because I was like, just in case you don't want to wear the word dildo outside. I do.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Okay, well, then I should have gotten you the shirt.

[A]

No, no, I love it. I'm gonna wear my pajama pants outside.

[B]

Speaking of innocent child, they also had children's shirts that said Dildo Brewery, which I get is a location name. But it still feels weird as an outsider.

[A]

Feels like at school, they would not allow that.

[B]

Yeah, well, so, anyway, go check out that dildo song on YouTube if you'd like. And the. The next thing I'm gonna say is that Jimmy Kimmel actually honorarily named Dildo, a sister city to Hollywood. And because he did that on the show, ABC must have paid for this. But they say Jimmy Kimmel sent the town of Dildo. Like how we have Hollywood as a. As a sign.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

They installed a Hollywood sign in the hills that says dildo.

[A]

That's fun.

[B]

Wasted opportunity to not have wood at the end of it. Like, Hollywood dildo wood.

[A]

Good. Yeah. That could be the yearly prank, the high senior prank every year.

[B]

That should be. Yeah. I have a picture of that for you also. So here is. The sign of Dildo.

[A]

City to Hollywood is. Oh, my God. It's honestly better than I could have imagined. It's. It's very. Because it looks so classic.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Wow, that. That's great.

[B]

And it lights up at night and everything, just like the real Hollywood sign. But anyway, so that is. That's the history of dildo. I gotta tell you, of all the stores, I really need to go to Nan and Pop's dildo souvenir shop, where they have a shirt. They have a shirt with, like, a really innocent, childlike smiley face that says, I got my dildo souvenir.

[A]

Wow. Wow. It's like half the time I think they're playing. Playing into the joke. And half the time I'm like, no, they're not playing. You know what I mean?

[B]

I really can't tell, because I will say, for those wondering, you cannot buy a dildo in dildo. Wasted opportunity.

[A]

Not even. Like, there's probably, like, an underground dealer, right?

[B]

There's got to be someone with one of those trench coats full of dildos.

[A]

Yes, it's gotta be.

[B]

But I mean, no, I mean, this really. What is.

[A]

He did. But they were all just the pegs for that boat. He's like, oh, I thought you meant, like, the ones for the.

[B]

Actually, it's just a bunch of liquid death in my jacket.

[A]

Honestly. Then I'll pay for it. That sounds good.

[B]

It. Yeah. Well, I mean, the town really is, like 1200 people. They're all just, like, fishermen. Like, it's right when you go. The coolest thing you can do there is probably get a picture with that sign and go to the brewery. Like, I. It has, like, two gift shops. It's a very small town, like, very quaint. They're not taking advantage of this dildo situation.

[A]

Right, Right. Like, it's kind of better almost. I feel like it makes it more pure, you know? Like, it just feels. Feels.

[B]

They literally, by the way, they had a. A scandal a few years ago where a sex toy company literally went and took, like, like, promotional content in dildo. And then, like, the town of Dildo was like, we hate that. Don't do it.

[A]

So do that.

[B]

Well, I think they were just, like, in dildo.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And they were just.

[A]

Can do that. Yeah.

[B]

And they're just like, we're in dildo. And here.

[A]

Are they gonna, like, use like the imagery of the, like Captain Dildo or something. Or something.

[B]

No, I think they were standing by like one of the road signs that said this way to Dildo or something.

[A]

I mean, that's pretty good marketing, I gotta be honest. Like, if you saw that and you made sex wise, you'd be like, I have to take this picture.

[B]

Yeah, I don't, I don't totally blame the person for trying. I'd be like, well, if I sell dildos and I live near Dildo, I'm obviously going to do something about that.

[A]

Makes total sense.

[B]

But then they ended up like, saying she couldn't do that. So I don't. They're very prim and proper.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I would. If it were me, if I were the actual, If I were Jimmy Kimmel and the true mayor of Dildo, I'd be like, all right, sex shop, let's go. I know it's like so not what you want, but think about the economy.

[A]

You would gentrify it, is what you're saying. But in the weirdest way, the weirdest, most specific way, you're just.

[B]

And with no consent, I suppose.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. You're just gonna push everyone out and build a giant sex warehouse.

[B]

It would just be a, like a trust me situation. I'd be like, how about we just try this for a year and if I'm wrong, we take it down and.

[A]

All the ladies quilting in church are gonn love it. Yeah, I think you're right. I think you got.

[B]

I would just be the villain of Dildo for like, like one, one calendar year.

[A]

What you just said made you the villain of Dildo. If anyone gets wind of this, you are going to be enemy number one.

[B]

I would bow out. I, I, I, I would shake hands on good faith. I'll bow out if I'm wrong in a year. But I just, I just. Let me just send you the business plan. You just tell me what you think. Well, I just send you some projections.

[A]

Glossy.

[B]

It's glossy and it says that we're gonna bop bop bop, you know, know, like this town is gonna grow, baby. I don't know. We'll see.

[A]

It seems like we need to find a new angle because that doesn't seem to be their goal.

[B]

But they don't seem to care. They are very happy with their very small town, which is lovely.

[A]

They kind of, I think I kind of like how they're just in their own little space.

[B]

I think with my. I feel like I could. Like there's just so many sideways. There's so there's so many, like, creative things you could do. And I'm just like, how could you not even want to think about it for a second? But I also get what they like. They probably just want to keep their town as it is.

[A]

I'm sure there's probably a little pocket of people who make it kind of fun.

[B]

I like to think at, like, at the local bar, they just have like, like a piece of paper that locals come in, just write their ideas down in case you just get out of your mind.

[A]

You know what I mean? You have a pint and you get it out of your system.

[B]

Yeah. And they're like, dildo shop. Ah. And then they just kind of scream it out and they're like, okay, giant dildo. Ah. Yeah. So during their appearance. Oh, the song. Blah, blah. Okay, so now on to the actual dildo monster. The story is pretty short, so I'm glad I gave. Yeah.

[A]

The dildo monster. Oh, my God, he's back.

[B]

So all of this dildo monster, was.

[A]

That something somebody put in the suggestion box?

[B]

Like, at the very least on Halloween, someone should dress up as a massive dildo. At the very least for a dildo monster. Come on.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, listen, I, I would be into it. I think I would not want to explain to any children what that is.

[B]

But, you know, again, this is like the underground. I'm pretending children don't exist in this narrative.

[A]

Oh, I see. Okay. Yeah.

[B]

Then. Then I hear what you heard and now that's awful.

[A]

No, so only in your. Only in your sex warehouse that you're going to build and displace all the local residents. Only for a year, though. So in there we can wear the costume.

[B]

You know, you're. You're onto it. Yeah. You. Like again, thank God. I don't actually have the, the, the urge or the power or the ability to do any of this, but in my brain, if. Let's put it this way, if someone were to. If dildo were to go away and. But the town name stuck and I could go play sims in that area and just build my own land. It would be oddly weird. It would be. It would live up to the dildo name.

[A]

This feels. Yeah. It feels like for a minute there, you're going into like the X rated version of the Lorax where you kind of just decide, like, actually this is going to really monetarily benefit me. I'm going to put dildos everywhere. You've really laid a good foundation for me. Thank.

[B]

Yeah. I never said to go. I never Said this hypothetical was ethical. Let's please.

[A]

Yeah. Certainly not. Yeah.

[B]

Never claimed that hypothetical.

[A]

Ethical hypotheticals are no fun.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no. When we're playing pretend we're going all.

[A]

Out, when we're playing roller coaster tycoon, people are getting launched off of that.

[B]

Buckle up or get lost or get.

[A]

Stick it stuff going into the parking lot.

[B]

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[B]

Wedrink so, okay, the reason I say that this story is very short is because literally one half page article in a newspaper is the only source we've got.

[A]

Pretty much really.

[B]

There's, there's a few books on it like that people have kind of done deeper dives into. But if you're looking for like a proper source, like a direct source, there's only one newspaper article.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So the town of Dildo has a cryptid in Its midst. Midst. And it's what? And this is the monster of Dildo Pond. Or I lovingly call it the Dildo Monster.

[A]

Of course, as you. You should.

[B]

Which I'm sorry, children, but Halloween happened yesterday. I got monsters on the brain. Dildo monster would be crazy.

[A]

That would win some sort of costume contest or again, perhaps get you disqualified. It really depends on the context of the contest.

[B]

Or kicked out of the entire town. Just exiled.

[A]

Yeah, just exiled.

[B]

So the story's main source comes from an article from 1950, and this paper tried to name the cryptid the Dildo sub. Us. Maybe. Maybe if quickly. It's supposed to sound like Dildosis or.

[A]

What about Dildosis?

[B]

No, it was dildo. Slash. Sus.

[A]

Like slash. Or like a hyphen.

[B]

Sorry. Dash. Sus. Dildosus. That's weird.

[A]

That's weird. Yeah, Dildosus.

[B]

It obviously didn't stick because people now know it as the Monster of Dildo Pond. They were like, let's regroup. Who?

[A]

What were you thinking?

[B]

In the 1950s, Dildo claimed their cryptid was bigger and at more a higher chance of being real compared to other Canadian cryptids. So people came out of Dildo with a lot of. A lot of smack talk.

[A]

Swinging. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

They said, oh, Ogopogo. I don't think so.

[A]

Off. I love that. Like, a town named Dildo is like, we're the biggest, we're the baddest. It's like, oh, relax.

[B]

It's like, okay, stop shoving it down my throat. Dildo. Yeah, you know.

[A]

Oh, my God. God, that was good.

[B]

So in the 1890s, this is the first time that we've. There was ever a witness to this monster. And it was this guy who was new to town. His name was Nielsen. He was the first person to see this monster. Let's talk about Nielsen for a second. His hobbies include cross breeding fish eggs and having a group of pet ducks that followed him around.

[A]

Honestly, half of that I can really relate.

[B]

I know. I love crossbreeding fish eggs. So one day he heard his ducks freaking out near Dildo Pond and saw a large black fish coming at them as they were sitting on the crossbreeding these things.

[A]

He's creating a monster.

[B]

Hold that thought. He. So he saw this large blackfish showing up out of nowhere and approaching the bank. When it got near the surface and it was big enough that Nielsen saw this thing and the duck saw it for sure. Everyone ran. The ducks ran. Nielsen ran. And when I say ran, like, Nielsen literally left town. He was like, I just Moved here. This is one of the first things.

[A]

Wait, did he bring the ducks?

[B]

I don't. We never heard here about the ducks again, so I'm hoping so. But he. I love that he was new to town. He just put his, like, suitcase down. He saw one thing he didn't like, and he was like, red flag. Immediately, I feel like, his ducks.

[A]

He's like, go play outside. And the ducks were like, there's a scary thing. And he's like, we're all out. Bye. We tried it. I sent you out on your way. You're not safe here. Ducks.

[B]

Apparently, as he left town, he warned others of what he just saw in Dildo Pond. And he was like, I'm out of here.

[A]

Where are you going? Yeah, he's like, never believe what I saw.

[B]

But he was like, it was scary enough that I would rather just re. Uproot right away.

[A]

Wow. Okay.

[B]

After that, the monster only gets seen every now and then by people who spend time near the pond. Basically. In the 1930s through the 1950s, that's when most people saw this thing. One guy saw the fish. Everyone seems to see this fish when it's like, just swimming up to the bank and then swimming away. That's kind of the whole thing. It's like, oh, it approaches and then it leaves like any other fucking fish, you know, so. But everyone's really freaked out, I think, by its size. Anyway, so where were we? This. Oh, yeah. So one guy saw the fish and claimed it was as big as a rowboat. And. But. But nobody believed him. When he went to go tell people because he was old, they were like, well, okay, grandpa, you know, it was.

[A]

Like, cuz you're old. That's not nice.

[B]

They're like, you're obviously senile if you saw a fish as big as a boat. And I'm like, has nobody seen a fish as big as the boat? But okay, um. Another time, two guys saw it together, but people didn't believe them because they thought they were fucked up on Screech. And then another witness was by the pond when he heard splashing in the water. He looks around and he sees the monster. And it's reported that so far of these witnesses, they, quote, didn't like the gleam in its watery eyes, and they thought it, quote, had a hungry look in its eyes. So they're already thinking, this fucker's gonna eat me.

[A]

That's like, oh, my Lord, Monster.

[B]

I mean, yeah, Dildo's gonna get you. I tell you. I was gonna say, if you're not Careful, she's. She's gonna.

[A]

Didn't we talk before? I'm having a very weird flashback. Do we talk about this with like two girls, one ghost or something?

[B]

It feels like something. It feels like a wine and crime conversation, doesn't it?

[A]

Like I feel this weird tickle in the back of my brain that's like.

[B]

Hey, remember the dildo monsters rooting up in there, getting inside you?

[A]

I think he's back there. I really do. But I could be wrong. But if anybody has heard that, let me know. I'm curious if I'm just having a weird, like, deja vu, which I would probably have about the dildo monster.

[B]

Sometimes the dildo's on the brain. I get it.

[A]

I guess so.

[B]

So they described the monster, all these people collectively. It turns out the monster had big bulging eyes, had a barrel sized body, a slimmer neck. Slimmer than its head. But the neck and head combined was like eight feet long. So it feels like a. Like a Nessie. Like a Nessie kind of thing.

[A]

Yes, it does.

[B]

And the head was the shape of an eel. They also said that the tail looked like the back of an airplane, which I did. Look up what an airplane looked like in the 40s and 50s for you.

[A]

Great idea.

[B]

Because I was like, I don't. Maybe I don't know what that looks like. I mean, it looks like a. I.

[A]

Think I know what you mean. Like with the.

[B]

It looks like an older version of a plane, but it's pretty much the same, but it has like more of a rounded tip. You know how dildos are.

[A]

Oh, I see, I see.

[B]

So it looks like it's a. That would be the tail.

[A]

Scary plane. That plane looks like it's about to crash into the ground.

[B]

It looks like it's missing its nose. Like it's missing.

[A]

Yeah, it does, it does. I don't like to look at this anymore. Goodbye.

[B]

Anyway, so now that's scared of the.

[A]

Dildo monster, apparently, by the way, is what I myself and well, I already knew that.

[B]

But so think about this. Between the neck and the head, it's eight feet long. That's much bigger than a fucking robot.

[A]

That's gigantic.

[B]

And then if the tail looks like the back of an airplane, which in the 50s, I think. I don't know how many people actually knew what airplanes looked like. Cause in my mind, not everybody had that frame of reference.

[A]

I imagine that you'd see it in a newspaper though, and like.

[B]

Oh, that's true.

[A]

I mean, they had like images.

[B]

Well, because this thing was always in the water, nobody was ever sure of what the full body of this thing looked like. They didn't know if under the surface, there were additional limbs or fins that they had seen. And so they never knew how this thing actually moved, which comes into play later.

[A]

So, I mean, to this day, no one knows how an airplane moves. So I don't know if they'll ever figure it out, but I certainly, to.

[B]

This day, don't know how a snake moves. I don't get it, and I don't.

[A]

Really want to learn to explain it to us.

[B]

Yeah, nobody tell me. I'm fine. It will rather not like them more, I'll tell you that. It actually. I'll hate them more. So. God, I feel so bad. I ran into someone who was a listener, and she was obviously a snake person. And she was.

[A]

She was obviously a snake person.

[B]

Well, she was like, let me show you picture of my snake. And I was like, have you not listened to the show? Like, this is not gonna work out, people.

[A]

But it's so funny. I do that, too, with podcasts where I'm like, I just do selective hearing where I'm like, well, that's not Like, I'm just gonna.

[B]

Well, you haven't seen my snake. And I'm like, I promise you.

[A]

I promise you.

[B]

I promise you. I don't know the difference.

[A]

So funny.

[B]

And it's like, they're still.

[A]

Listen, though. They're like, I don't care. I'm still gonna.

[B]

I know that the snake person is married to a rat person, and both of them think that I'd love their.

[A]

I love a rat.

[B]

Oh, so, okay. They. Yeah, so it's. It at one point, was the size of a rowboat, but as the story's going on, it's getting bigger, right? Like, now it's like, just at the.

[A]

Shoulders, tall, neck is the size of.

[B]

A rowboat, and the tail's the size of. Or not the size, but looks like the back of an airplane, right? At this point now we've got this guy, Norman, who shows up, and he sees it three different times, okay? He says, the first time it was just swimming on the water's surface, and. And he saw it swimming around. The second time, he saw it swimming around, and he, like, called his, like, employees over because he was like, I. This is the thing I was fucking telling you about.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Someone come look at this with me, because I. I don't want to be called crazy in the break room again.

[A]

Yeah, rude.

[B]

And apparently, it was swimming and then did the thing where, like, you know when fish, like, turn around and then they, like, go back under the water, there's like a little splash.

[A]

Like a little plop.

[B]

Yeah, like a. Like a beautiful. Hang on. How do I do it? I can't do it.

[A]

You're doing it. Great. I'm impressed.

[B]

Thank you. So anyway, I think that's what was supposed to be happening with this thing. But because the fish was so big, it didn't just make a little bloop, it actually. Apparently the water started bubbling foam, and the logs that were in the water were tossed like matchsticks. So now this thing's like Godzilla sized.

[A]

It sounds like, jeez, what the is it doing?

[B]

And then the third time he saw it, it swam up to the bank and then it immediately went underwater and swam away. So. Ever again, every single time someone's saying this, it's just swimming. Like, this is like the most stoned out Cryptid I've ever heard about doing anything. Yeah.

[A]

And then they're like, well, it's the biggest. Like, okay, congratulations.

[B]

It's like, we get it. Your name's Dildo. Everything size matters. Okay?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So by the way, I just realized how loud I'm shouting Dildo while Alison's on a work call.

[A]

Anyway, listen, that's her own problem. She' saw the notes. She could have asked.

[B]

She should have been like, I need to move a meeting now, so around the same time, I'm going to quit. Actually, around the same time, a group of multiple people saw this thing all at once. And then a cab driver also saw it as it was driving past the water, as he was driving past the water. And by 1950, there are 15 people willing to literally sign affidavits with a magistrate that they saw this thing.

[A]

Fifteen people, That's a lot.

[B]

And, well, once it was that many people, I think the town up until this point was, like, trying to not.

[A]

Make it a thing.

[B]

I mean, they were like, oh, that guy's old. Oh, that guy's like, just dry. Oh, let's make fun of this guy in the break room. And now, like, when 15 people are like, I will literally go to the courthouse. Right? No. And sign something. That was when people started waking up and they're like, oh, maybe we have a monster. And especially as the descriptions keep growing and this thing keeps getting bigger, and now this fish is over 50ft feet long, according to the legends. 50ft?

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

Okay. Instead of like 6ft, it's like grown, like 10 times its size.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And some people don't know if like, oh, that's in the game of telephone. People are elaborating and it's getting crazier. Or what if it is 50ft long and it's been growing all these years?

[A]

That's what I'm saying. It's growing. It was a baby.

[B]

Some people think it must just be getting bigger, which makes sense because during the first sightings of this monster, the pond was like, full of salmon and trout. And by this time, there's like, no more salmon and trout. Like, it's.

[A]

And it's not because of overfishing?

[B]

No, apparently not.

[A]

I mean, it's a fishing town.

[B]

And so they were like, okay, maybe this thing ate all the fish and that's why it's growing so big. And that's when they started thinking, what happens if it runs out of food in the water? My thought would have been, oh, it dies because it can't eat anymore. But they thought, obviously it's going to grow legs, climb out of the water and eat the cattle. And then, because it's just like, the.

[A]

Next time someone's on a fishing boat, it's gonna be like, ooh, food.

[B]

Yeah. Like Jaws. Yeah.

[A]

Snap snatch. Ya.

[B]

Especially because since nobody knew what the monster's full body looked like, they didn't know if it had legs. It might already be able to get out of the water.

[A]

It could just propel itself out. Maybe it has wings. Who the fuck knows?

[B]

Yeah. So they. They were very afraid that the monster was either going to learn how to walk on land or already could and would come after the visitors to the pond. So, officially in town as of 1950, children were not allowed to go outside at night unattended, and they be near the water because, as the article states, the townspeople feared that the monster was, quote, ruminating on the digestibility of chubby little Newfoundlanders.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

He'S just looking at you from the water going, that's a fat one. I'm going to do it.

[A]

You know, finally waiting all day.

[B]

Now, one theory is that it was a giant squid, because in the 1930s, one time a giant squid washed up on shore here. In this area. Yeah. And so they were like, oh, well, since there's giant squid in the area, maybe this is squid related. Thirty years later, another squid, giant squid, washed up on shore. And that, like, almost conf. Like, they doubled down. Then they're like, okay, maybe it's definitely a giant squid. So but like, one time in the 1930s, one time in the 1960s, and that was enough to like, solidify A theory for some people. But how it got there is, like, such a mystery that mainly people think. Well, not mainly, but one of the major theories is that when it was a little tiny fish, it either came in through, like, a brook or an inlet from the sea or through a tunnel, and then it ate all their salmon and trout and got too bad that it can't leave now. So it's stuck in there. No, but the other one that people really get a kick out of, if you recall. Recall the very first thing you said when I started telling you about this monster. They think that Nielsen is responsible because he was crossbreeding fish eggs.

[A]

Oh, right.

[B]

And he accidentally Dr. Frankensteined a monster, and that's why he left town, because he realized what he'd done and he's.

[A]

Like, ducks, you're on your own.

[B]

I can't stop talking about this. Get out of here.

[A]

Let's out of here.

[B]

I'm gone.

[A]

Wow. And so he genetically modified dildo monster.

[B]

Duck. Duck dildo. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, that's good. Duck. Duck dildo.

[B]

He either. So he either accidentally made this creature, realized what he'd done and left town before it got too big, or just in case he did create a monster from his cross breeding and he, like, got. He panicked about it. He told locals that he saw something, even though he didn't to preemptively warn them about what they would see one day in the water. That's something.

[A]

Is there Your future. Good luck.

[B]

He's like. He's like, something's there. I'm telling you now. Duck. Duck dip.

[A]

I didn't do it.

[B]

So we don't know if that even has anything. It's just like a fun theory of like, oh, Dr. Frankenstein's scared of his own monster.

[A]

Right, right, right. You know when you have to figure out a really tough conundrum, like, oh, I really want to have fun and have some drinks, have a margarita tonight, but also, I have to get up early and drive a certain grind. Grumpy Toad to her music class. Yeah, we've all been there.

[B]

Sounds personal.

[A]

Yeah, no, it sounds actually really relatable to everyone.

[B]

Okay, I can't relate, but, I mean, I can relate in different ways. Instead of cocktail or drive my Grumpy Toad to school, it's more like, should I stay up late and play Star Tenders or should I actually go to bed and maybe feel good about myself tomorrow?

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[B]

So that's the end of it. I do want to say, technically, even though this is the Dildo Pond Monster, most of the encounters seem to be in a town actually called Blaketon, which is south of Dildo.

[A]

Blaketon.

[B]

Blaketon. Blake Town. But they have a population of 250 people, which is not a lot. And then all 15 people willing to sign affidavits were from that town. And the. I don't know if you were keeping track, but the witnesses I told you about in the story.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There were only in total 12 people. So the fact that there were 15 from one town willing to sign an affidavit means that there were more stories than we're even aware of that have never been documented. Yeah, and it sounds like a majority of them were from Blaketon. So this might actually be the. The Blaketon Monster. But.

[A]

But the lake is a lake called Lake Dildo, though.

[B]

It's Dildo Pond. Yeah.

[A]

Or Dildo Pond. Okay.

[B]

Okay, so that's just on the southern tip of it. We're on the other side is Dildo.

[A]

Right. Okay, so. Gotcha. Gotcha.

[B]

But it's. I mean, it's still technically the Dildo Monster because it's at Dildo Pond.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It wasn't in Dildo City or Dildo Town proper. Anyway, fun fact, if you're looking at a map, it happened closer to Blake Town Blaketon, than.

[A]

Okay, Dildo.

[B]

But anyway, that is the Dildo Pond Monster that was an hour and a half. I'm so sorry, but.

[A]

No, listen, you told me to banter. I don't know what to tell you. Wow, that was beautiful. M. I was actually, like, very enraptured by that story.

[B]

It was. It was a beautiful time for me.

[A]

It was for me as well.

[B]

Okay, good. Great.

[A]

Good. I'm going to tell you something horrible now. Sorry.

[B]

Oh, wait, hang on. Let's go back to dildos.

[A]

Can I tell you actually, one fun thing real quick before we get into, like, the really sad stuff, which is what I forgot to mention earlier, And I'm so mad because I wanted to make sure I mentioned this in the. When we talked about Halloween, but Blaze did the potato experiment, like, the social experiment where you put a potato out and have you seen this?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, okay. So, okay, you put. You offer kids either a potato or piece of candy. And this guy did some as a joke almost a few years ago, and it turned out, like, I swear, like, nine out of 10 kids took the potato every time.

[B]

And it's because they were like, the weird kids, and they're like, I want the freaky, weird, random.

[A]

Every kid picked it. It was like, oh, if you offer this choice, like, kids will pick the potato. And so, please, like, bought potatoes. I was like, but you're trick or treating with Leona. Like, I don't want to explain to people why there's potatoes in here. We gave out, like, I mean, dozens of potatoes.

[B]

We ran out of potatoes.

[A]

Yeah. We ran out of multiple bags. We ran out of potatoes before candy. It was honestly strange.

[B]

I don't know how a kid thinks, but I know if someone handed me candy or potato, I would also take the potato. But I would do it because I'd be like, the candy one I was expecting. If you're giving me a potato, there must be a reason I'm unaware of.

[A]

Well, I think of it.

[B]

Is that what it is?

[A]

This is cool.

[B]

Like, well, no, I wouldn't do. Because it was cool. I would be like, oh, I'm. I'm not looped in. And you clearly know something. I. I don't know. I don't think kids are thinking that intense about it, but I would think.

[A]

That were like, I'm gonna take Skittles and walk away.

[B]

Like, we didn't.

[A]

We didn't say, you have to pick one now. It was like, they're just in there.

[B]

No, I think if someone handed me the more random one, I would just be like, I obviously know less than you. I'm just gonna follow you.

[A]

To walk away.

[B]

Go with your flow.

[A]

And well, we didn't hand them out. We just like put them. And if people happen to see them in there, they could take them. But this one girl we put, like, the most effective was putting one potato in the middle of all the. And then this girl walked up and went, a potato. And she grabbed it and all her friends were like, I wanted the potato. And she was like, finally, we found a house with a potato. And I was like, wow, okay, this. And they were teenage girls. And then they all started bickering and they were like, you always. You were just walking ahead of us. And so then the girl at the end was like, all right, fine. And they walked away. And I was like, come here. And I like, handed her potato and she's like, haha, now I have my own potato. I wonder if fleece was on to something here.

[B]

Is it like, like the. Because we all have experienced this, that like when you're a teenager, like, everything's so random. Is it that? I think it's that.

[A]

That's what I meant more like that you're like, unexpected. It's like unexpected. I think, I think. And I don't think there's like much. It's just like, cool. That's different. I don't know. I like, I mean, I cannot tell you. There were parents being like, why? And I was like, I don't know. I didn't do this. I would not have put potatoes in here. But the kids seem to love it.

[B]

You know, it's interesting. Well, first of all, no. When I hear potato, except experiment. I'm apparently ancient and thought you meant like making a potato. A clock, like, oh, yeah.

[A]

I mean, a battery. Yeah, I've done that for sure.

[B]

What was I gonna say? Oh, Allison, I brought. I got like all like the chocolate and all the things that I would think a kid really, really wants. And then Allison got a bag of fruit snacks. And I was like, nobody's gonna pick the fruit snacks. Because in my mind I was like, I'm not gonna pick fruit snacks if there's like a bunch of. Of sugar in a, in a bag for me. And then that was. The one that got the most comments was the fruit snacks. And it was, it was mainly like little kids who are clearly still being fed by their parents. It's like, yeah, obviously the parents are giving them fruit snacks. But there were so many like 3 year olds who went, welch's fruit snacks, I love. We were like, holy. Okay, here, have two.

[A]

Next time buy the Spidey Ones that'll be. Those will be a hit.

[B]

Oh, I thought of Leona. There was a spot spider Gwen, so.

[A]

Oh, that's cute. Leona was like. So she wore to the music class today. They were like, wear costumes. She's worn that grumpy toad like four days in a row. So we just put her. We put her in the ghost spider outfit. And they were like, we like your costume. She goes, it's not a costume. And I was like, okay, she's ghost spider. It's not a costume.

[B]

Anytime I see anything spider, even spider man, I'm just like, oh, there's Leona. Like, she loves it.

[A]

She totally mess with it.

[B]

Messed with my head.

[A]

Yeah, she really. Mine too.

[B]

By the way, man, that potato thing. Well, if Allison catches wind of that, we're gonna have a bag of potatoes.

[A]

Outside, I tell you what. And Blaze was like, honestly, they're cheaper than candy. And I was like, please don't say that.

[B]

Allison's Allison is everyone else. Stop listening real quick. Allison, we're not. We're not doing this. I mean, we can do it, but.

[A]

We also have to get Candy saying dildo again. It. That'll get her off dildo. Okay. Not sing.

[B]

Wait, what's the actual dildo song? Innocent children, innocent children they walk Potatoes.

[A]

Okay, I am so sorry. I wanted to get that out of my system before I forgot because I knew. I know Blaze wants me to give the credit that, yes, he was right. I guess kids want potatoes. I don't know. So. Good job, Blaze. You knew what the kids would want. Anyway, I'm gonna tell a terrible story now.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Episode 405. We're covering the kidnapping of Jacob Wetterling. This is one of the first true crime stories I ever, like, really got immersed in. Because when we started the podcast, or it's actually before we started. Started the podcast. When I first started listening to podcasts, there was a podcast called in the Dark. And season one was all about Jacob Wetterling. And I remember being at my temp job and, like, just being, like, gripped by the story. And so I'm finally covering it now, which is kind of. Kind of full circle for like the.

[B]

You know, one every 20 times. I do recognize the name, but. So I might know this story. I might know it, but. But I have no. I have no. Actually. Let's find out.

[A]

We'll find out. So In January of 1989, 12 year old Jared Shirel. I've been trying to say this name so many times. Poor M is just, like trying to root Me on over there, Cheryl. I think I'm saying that right. I hope. Survived an unimaginable ordeal when a stranger abducted him on his way home in Cold Spring, Minnesota. So Jared had been ice skating with friends when a man approached him in a vehicle asking for directions. When Jared got close enough, the man forced Jared into his car, drove him to a remote location and raped him.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

He then said to Jared, run. If you look back, I'll shoot.

[B]

How old is he? 12.

[A]

12.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Yeah. So Jared, of course, ran for his life. Detectives collected and examined his clothes for evidence, and the community awaited answers. Being thinking like, well, this was so just out in the open. Open and brutal. Like, I'm sure we'll find him, you know, and their other thought was, we got to keep our kids safe if there's some lunatic running around.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But time just passed and the man who kidnapped Jared was never identified and they tried to move on with their lives. So we fast forward to the near the end of the year, October of 1989. This is the same year, but just a few months later. This is St. Joseph, Minnesota, and this is about 15 minutes away from Cold Spring where Jared had been abducted. So we fast forward 10 months. We're now about 15 miles away, I think. 15 minutes, 15 miles, I'm not sure. In St. Joseph, Minnesota. And we've got 11 year old Jacob Wetterling. Now he is living out a very, just like standard, almost idyllic even childhood. Just very happy. Very.

[B]

Candy and potatoes.

[A]

Candy and potatoes. Just everything you need. And this town itself has fewer than 4,000 residents and is surrounded by farmland. So it's like kind of a rural and like wholesome town. It sounds a little bit like dildo.

[B]

It sure does. Where all the innocent children are, you know.

[A]

Right. Where all the innocent children are and they're just playing outside. And I mean it's the 80s. Like kids are just riding their bikes around. It is a very family friendly town. Jacob's parents, Patty and Jerry Wetterling, purchased a home in the woods of St. Joseph where they were raising Jacob and his siblings. So Jacob was 11. He had one older sister named Amy who was 13. He had a 10 year old brother named Trevor and an 8 year old sister named Carmen. So he's second in four kids.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Jerry, his dad was a familiar face in town because he was a chiropractor and he had a billboard with his face on it. So I imagine kids. Yeah, you. I know. And I imagine as the kids you'd be like that's my dad.

[B]

You know, like, you know, I love a billboard that I'm. The day that there's a billboard with my face on it. Oh my God. Game over. I gotta be honest, you're gonna drive.

[A]

Your kids out of the way to school just to show them the billboard every single morning.

[B]

I almost wanna call my hometown because I know it would be cheaper than LA and I'd be like, how much to slap my face on this puppy for like 30 days? What do you think?

[A]

Figure out like where your high school bully lives and then like put it kind of right on their way to work.

[B]

I would love that. I also like to be clear, it wouldn't even be like to promote anything. It's just for the plot. Like, it's just so I certainly.

[A]

This is not marketing. This is a separate thing. This is a personal issue.

[B]

If I, if there's, if ever a billboard needs something and Frederick's Virginia, I got an idea what we can do with it.

[A]

You know, I think we've got someone on the horn that I can call named M. Schultz.

[B]

You know, anytime there's a blank.

[A]

I bet you Linda already has has her finger in this.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I feel like she's already got something room percolating up there in her little brain.

[B]

Percolating. A great, great word. Great word.

[A]

Thank you. So anyway, his dad is the local chiropractor. And because he has his face on this billboard, of course people know who he is, know who the family is. And Patty, meanwhile, worked as a stay at. She would manage the family's hectic schedule, especially with four kids. And this was a very busy household. They all had different extracurriculars and sports and hobbies. Some of them even made home videos as like a hobby, which is basically what I was doing. Instead of sports, some were horseback riding. So it's kind of that classic situation of like shuttling the kids from one thing to the next and trying to balance everyone's schedules. So Patty and Jerry were always at rehearsals, performances, games. Like this was non stop schedule for the family. And they encouraged their family, their children to try new things, pursue their passions, try making home videos, try horse riding. Jacob's best friend, Aaron Larson said in an interview. They were kind of the family that was willing to try everything and anything. So the Wetterling children were very confident, very adventurous, and they were also very tight knit. They were really close and they were actually all friends, which is kind of sweet. So Jacob didn't really mind when his parents asked him to babysit his two younger siblings on October 22, 1980. 89. So Patty and Jerry were going to a dinner party about 20 minutes from their house and 13 year old Amy was going out for with friends for the evening. So Jacob said, sure, I'll stay home with younger siblings Trevor and Carmen. And then his friend Aaron, who I just quoted earlier, came to hang out as well.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

This is where my heart starts to hurt quite a bit because it's so I think you and I and a lot of our listeners can kind of relate to this next part being such an innocent part of childhood. But, but just before it got dark, Jacob called, which is also very sweet, called the landline where his parents were eating dinner, you know, at the dinner party.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And was like, can I talk to my mom? Like, hi Mrs. So and so, can I talk to my mom? And when they got on the phone he said, can we take our bikes to the movie rental store down the road? I don't know if it was a blockbuster Hollywood video, who knows? But basically said, can we ride our bikes to rent a movie? Please, please, please, please, please? Yeah. And you know, this is about. And Carmen, the sister didn't want to go. It was just the, the boys that wanted to go. And so Aaron said, can we, can we call the neighbor Rochelle, her name is Rochelle Curtis. Can we call her to babysit Carmen at home? And then I'll go with my friend and my brother to the video store. And this is where I just imagine this tore the parents apart because Patty said, sure, as long as you agree to wear a reflective vest, bring a flashlight. Like Even in the 80s, she was like, you have to be so careful, you know, but it's a five minute bike ride. So even at, for the time she was being like extra cautious. And, and the, the fact that her fear was getting hit by a car and not like abduction, of course, because why would you think that is your first fear in a small town? But like the fact that she was prepping him for like potential road accidents, not thinking like, oh, there's something much worse out there, you know.

[B]

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[A]

So the three of them set out for the store. It was Jacob and Trevor on their bikes and Aaron was on a scooter. And that kind of slowed them down a bit. But the boys on the bikes didn't mind.

[B]

I would, I would be pissed if I wanted to just go ride my bikes. And then a fucking scooter kid came with me and I'm like, oh, like we can't. We just have to.

[A]

That's the best friend. And he didn't bring his bike. So it's like, well, he has to borrow something.

[B]

I know, but that's when you offer like some rope and you're like, you stand on the scooter. I'm gonna actually bike and get us.

[A]

They didn't make the little brother give the bike to the, to the friend, actually.

[B]

That's a great point. Yeah.

[A]

But like that goes to show. Apparently they were all just very sweet kids.

[B]

I know. I, I'm such an, like, I'd be like, keep up. You just can't come. I don what to tell you come anymore.

[A]

You would just like push him over. Oh God, I'm scared of you. Okay, so the three of them set out on the to the store. And remember they're also like 10 and 11. Like they're really little. And so they have their bikes. It's like, I mean literally a five minute ride on your bike. And so they get there, it's a cloudy night, there's no moon or stars, so it's pretty dark. But they have this flashlight. And although it was Sunday, there was no school the next day. So they were really excited. They got got to the video store. Remember those days where you're like, oh, you have a day off tomorrow. It's supposed to be a school day. And then your parent, your parents let you have a friend over and rent a movie. I mean, it's just all so familiar. Yeah. And. And so nostalgic.

[B]

I still chase that high. I'll never get it again. I know.

[A]

It feels like. Like some pinnacle of youth, you know? So they get to the store. Important note, they rented a VHS copy of the Naked Gun. I don't know if you ever saw that film. Very fun, very classic. They left with. They also got candy, of course. I'm sure they bought a lot of candy. And the neighbor, by the way, I love that this is like several days before Halloween. So it's like they're like, we get candy now, too. I don't know.

[B]

We're stockpiling.

[A]

We're prepping.

[B]

Yeah. Because think of all the potatoes that are coming our way in a second.

[A]

Oh, my God, you're right. The starches are coming in. We gotta get some sugar in us. So they got a bunch of candy, they got this VHS copy of this movie and decided to head back home. So meanwhile, we cut back to the house, and Rochelle, the neighbor who was babysitting, was just kind of sitting with Carmen, having, like, a fine time babysitting her. And suddenly Trevor and Aaron, so Trevor is the little brother and Aaron's the best friend, burst in the front door screaming that someone took Jacob.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And they said on the way home. I mean, they're frantic. They say on the way home, a man with a gun attacked them and took Jacob away. So Rochelle, who's also presumably a teenager.

[B]

Like a. Yeah, she's probably like third. I mean, the John Mulaney bit of like you're a horse, like, taking care of another horse. Like.

[A]

Right, Exactly. Like you're a child watching children. This doesn't seem right.

[B]

It's like, certainly this poor girl has her own trauma now having to handle this. And she's like, what, 12 or. Or something.

[A]

Was she going to be prepared for this? I don't think so. Yeah. So basically they. They barge in. She's like, listen, I'm going to call my dad. And thankfully, he was home next door. So she calls her dad. He rushes over, he calls 911 on the call. Apparently he stayed extremely calm. And that was able to help Aaron and Trevor, like, answer questions because they were so frantic that the. Which I just find that to be a nice little side note that the dad was like, let's just bring it through it. Yeah, keep it down here. And we'll get the Details out. And so they, they tell the details to dispatch. And you know, at first responding officers were like, well what? Like usually we get calls about like a raccoon breaking in. Yeah, they're like, this is, you know.

[B]

Somehow not our forte.

[A]

Yeah, this feels. But they also didn't really believe it at first. They were like, oh, this must be like a misunderstanding that happened because like why would there be an abduction in this small town? Right?

[B]

And also it's like the week before Halloween. Maybe it's like a mischief night thing where they're like prank calling or something.

[A]

Like pre teen boys. Like who knows, maybe one of them pranked the other. Who knows? Exactly. So the responding officers were like, well I don't know if this is a genuine child abduction in St. Joseph, but they responded quickly. And meanwhile, Patty and Jerry of course rushed home from the dinner party unsure of what was going to wait. Be waiting for them at the house.

[B]

Which I can't imagine that car ride.

[A]

Another 20 minute nightmare of a car ride. And it just was hard for anyone to really, really grasp that someone took Jacob. Like it just, I assume it's one of those sentences like that doesn't really.

[B]

You know, hit and also like why him? Like what took him where?

[A]

Like, yeah, exactly. Who? You know, it just must be so perplexing. So they get back and Trevor describes the scene to the police. This is the younger brother. The boys were just three minutes away from home and as they passed a long gravel driveway on the left which led to a naked neighbor's farm, a man in a mask leapt out in front of them. He said he had a gun and he ordered all three boys to put their bikes and scooter in a ditch and lie face down on the ground.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

And Aaron, the friend like laughed, almost startled.

[B]

I would think it was like a prank or something.

[A]

Yeah, he thought it was a prank.

[B]

Especially so close to Halloween and also.

[A]

Halloween and close to home and also.

[B]

Maybe like that's like just like his fight or flight is just like, oh hahaha. Like being in denial that that could really even happen.

[A]

Oh, fawning like, yeah, what? Very fun, funny. And so he laughs and he thinks this is a joke. But the man pulls out a gun and proves he's completely serious. So the boys obey his command. They get down on the ground. He asks how old they are and Aaron and Jacob say 11. Trevor says 10. So he tells Aaron and Trevor to get up and run, which like, then.

[B]

You'Re like, so did the age have anything to do with It. Because if. If he said 11 and now you want the 11 year old, why'd you let the other 11 year old go? Like. Or did he just want one of the older ones?

[A]

I think he just wanted to know how old they were. And then like, took his pick or, you know.

[B]

So disgusting.

[A]

Yeah, it's absolutely horrific. So he told Aaron and Trevor to get up and run. And they began running, of course, as fast as they could. He told them, guess what? If you turn around, I'll shoot you. So they take off. And the last thing they witnessed was the man grabbing Jacob. Oh, my God.

[B]

God.

[A]

So the sheriff is confident that they can quickly figure this out. They were thinking maybe he got tied to a tree somewhere. I mean, when this happened like 10 months earlier, they. They hadn't connected the cases. But even in that first case, he let his victim go. You know, remember that Jared got to run away. So they're thinking, well, maybe he's somewhere in the woods. Their interstate is nearby. Like, let's go do a search of the town. So they go do a search. But they're thinking in the back of their minds, you know, with the interstate.

[B]

Right there, if, yeah, easy.

[A]

Get away to his car. Yeah, he could have gotten anywhere. So they focus on the local area. Firefighters and dozens of officers search the area until 3am the search is called off, and it resumes at sunrise. But days go by with no sign of Jacob. And at that point, the FBI become involved and the governor of Minnesota orders. Orders a massive search. He also deployed the national guard, which searched 30 miles of ground on foot. And they also scoured the woods and farmland of St. Joseph on horseback and in helicopters. Even private pilots volunteered time in their planes. And volunteers put up thousands of posters requesting information on his whereabouts along with white ribbons that said Jacob's hope. And Patty and Jerry did as many as eight interviews a day because they were just trying to keep his story, you know, on the news and relevant and on people's minds. And meanwhile, the Minnesota Vikings football team acknowledged Jacob at a game with posters and announcements, praying for his safe return and trying to get the word out. So they were really doing everything they could.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To figure this out.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Soon, Jacob Wetterling became a household name throughout the country. That might even be why you recognize it. Like if people had just discussed it over the years.

[B]

You know, it was only a few years before we got here, so I'm sure my mother was always using it in her mother.

[A]

I'm sure your mother was familiar, you know, with the case. So he became kind of a household name throughout the country. Nobody knew. It was like he had just been taken and vanished, you know, off the face of the earth. And there were no clear answers. So, of course, everybody started kind of playing who done it and pointing to different people of interest. So Jerry himself, the dad, had to stop speaking during interviews because the public was like, he doesn't seem sad enough. You know, they're, like, watching it.

[B]

Me with that. What are you talking about?

[A]

I know. And they're, like, watching it and saying. And so he starts getting harassed by people saying, like, oh, yeah, like, maybe you. You took your own son and killed him, you know, and so he had to, like, just bow out of the interviews. But people approved of the way Patty sometimes cried during the interviews.

[B]

So I'm so glad that they approve how I know she's handling it.

[A]

Right. Thank you so much. That's really thoughtful of you. So meanwhile, detectives revisited the scene of the crime. Crime where the kids said that this man jumped out and grabbed Jacob. And the farm at the end of the driveway where Jacob was kidnapped actually belonged to this guy named Dan Rassier. Now, Dan was an elementary school band instructor, and he lived on this family farm with his parents. And he was home that night. But he said he was home alone when his dog alerted him to a blue vehicle, which had rushed into his driveway, spun around and left. And Dan just kind of glanced out and thought, okay, I guess they were taking a wrong turn and had to. Had to turn around. But he woke up later that night when his dog alerted him again, this time because police were searching the property for Jacob in the hours after the abduction. So Dan, of course, told investigators about the blue vehicle, and he said he wished he had had more, but he just assumed the guy was turning around. So he didn't look very closely.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And what he didn't realize at this point is that he was actually a person of interest in the case and that he would remain a person interest for many, many years. Like, it would honestly kind of ruin his life. So more than 10 years went by with no new leads to Jacob. And meanwhile, Dan is still on the hook, and investigators call him in for questioning again. And one of them later admits in an interview that they were maybe more aggressive than usual, trying to intimidate Dan into a confession. Yeah, well, and by the way, like, we absolutely know he had nothing to do with it. So it's just. Hindsight is 20 20.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But they said they needed the confession because they had no evidence. And it's like well, forcing it out of somebody who didn't do it. You know, whatever. So they repeatedly tell Dan that they knew he abducted and murdered Jacob. But poor Dan the band teacher is like, I swear to God, I had nothing to do with it. Literally.

[B]

A band teacher.

[A]

Like, please, Literally, like, let me go back to work. So detectives convince Patty there is compelling reason to believe Dan the band teacher took Jacob. So Patty said, fine, I'll agree to whatever you think I should do. So they basically wired her up, put a mic on her, and staged an accidental encounter between her and Dan in a public place.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Yeah. So they basically put her on the spot and say, hey, go talk to him. Get as much information as you can. And she's just desperate to find her son. So she's like, okay, fine.

[B]

Did it accidentally, like, frame him or something?

[A]

No, not even. Oh. So, yeah. So basically, she runs into him by accident, and she says, hey, can I just ask you some questions about whatever you saw that night? And he's, you know, he's very sensitive about this. He says, sure, I'll sit down with you. He sits with her for 45 minutes. He answers every single question she has. He tells her, I only feel that if I would have been more alert, maybe I could have stopped it. I could have saved him. Like, he's just beating himself up for not having this information, to the point that when Patty left the conversation, she said, that man's innocent. He didn't. Did not do this. Yeah, or he's such a sociopathic liar.

[B]

That, like, had me fools. Yeah.

[A]

Has me fools. But. But she said, I do not think this is your guy. It wasn't until 21 years later, when he's. Yes. Still a person of interest, that they finally got a search warrant for his farm. And in 2010, the investigative team used backhoes to break ground on the property, where they found nothing. But instead of exhausting venerating him now, the public was just aware that Dan was a person of interest and they were digging up his farm. And many people just started to spread this rumor that he kidnapped and probably murdered Jacob Wetterling. And by the way, they just tore up his farm and then left.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

And then if you think about it, like, he's a band teacher of kids, and all these people are whispering in town that, oh, it's ruined.

[B]

It's over.

[A]

Right? Like, it's the worst possible thing to have happen. Happen, you know, when you're. When you're trying to teach kids, and all of a sudden about a kid.

[B]

When you work with kids, like cyanr career.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, terrible. So he tried to salvage his life and reputation, but like, it just, he was in a bad, a bad, bad space for a while there. So for years, meanwhile, Patty wrote letters to Jacob just in some hope that maybe he would come back, back. And when he did come back, she would have like years of letters of just what had been going on with the family, updating him on everything they were doing to try and find him. She just wanted him to know if he ever came back, that they did everything they could and, you know, even though it took so long to find him. Patty and Jerry also dedicated themselves to activism and advocacy work. They wanted obviously to prevent this from happening to other families and support families in similar circumstances. So they founded Jacob Wetterling Resource center, which is a zero abuse project program that works to prevent crimes against children while connecting families of the missing and exploited to important resources.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

So over the years, it just kind of seemed to be like just a cold dead case. It looked very hopeless. But thankfully, because of advancements in technology in 2012, DNA analysis was actually able to identify unknown DNA on the clothes of Jared Shirel, who I mentioned earlier, who had been kidnapped in 1989 and had been raped and then let go to run, run back. And that was in Cold Spring, Minnesota. So of course I remember. I. I mean, I'd mentioned Jared's case in relation to Jacob's case. So years earlier, investigators had made the connection between these two cases. You know, the age of the boys, the proximity, and so Jared now being much older, obviously pushed them to reopen the investigation and pursue new leads. Very much like advocated for himself, which is awesome.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

In 2014, investigators opened a cold case review and carefully revisited every detail of Jacob's and Jared's abductions and hope they could find some sort of information that would maybe break either or both of the cases. So pretty soon they honed in on a suspect named Daniel Heinrich, whose name appeared in connection to other cases, cases h nearby that involved children. By the way, he was suspected in the January 1989 kidnapping and rape of 12 year old Jared, as well as multiple assaults on boys in another nearby town called Paynesville. For years, reports were filed with police about a man who pushed boys off of their bikes and physically and sexually assaulted them just as they were driving around. And in an interview, men who grew up in the area recalled that it became common knowledge to them that pre teen boys like needed to be super careful and couldn't, couldn't just be out there, like, by themselves without a support group or without people looking out for each other.

[B]

Like, he was, like, so creepy and dangerous in public that everyone just, like, knew him by name of, like, don't go near this guy.

[A]

No, they didn't know who it was.

[B]

Oh, right. They just were like, oh, there's someone out there.

[A]

There's a predator out here. Exactly. And he's preying on basically pre teen.

[B]

Boys come up during Jared Singers. It was a different location.

[A]

No. So it did this. This is in the years following. So after. After Jacob or after Jared's abduction and rape. Over the years, there had been several reports of some guy running around, like, assaulting kids. And so I thought it was before him.

[B]

Sorry. I was like, why? No one mentioned that before.

[A]

He might have been before him, but they don't know who he is. Is. So it's like they tried everything they could to find out who this predator was.

[B]

But, yeah, the best they could do is just say, there's a creepy guy. Look out.

[A]

There's this predator guy. Yeah. So Jared's attacker, the man who assaulted the boys in Paynesville, and Jacob's kidnapper all had one thing in common. So this is where they're kind of putting the pieces together, and that is that witnesses and survivors described him as having an unusually gruff, gravelly voice. And so they were like, this has got to be the same. Same guy. But for decades, investigators had no evidence linking this Daniel creep to any of the cases, even though, like, he was also known to be this creep. They don't have any proof. And tire tracks and shoe prints at the scene of Jacob's abduction did match shoes and tires belonging to Daniel. And fibers from a car set collected from Jared's jacket match the interior of Daniel's car. So we're getting close. Closer and closer.

[B]

Yeah. I hope the cops are at least thinking, okay, we're on to something versus, like, oh, that's weird. Oh, that's weird. Like, I want to know when it started layering.

[A]

They definitely know. And the car was also blue, which matched.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

The one Dan saw in his driveway right before Jacob vanished, but without any unique markings, like saying, like, a blue car, it's not going to get you anywhere in court, you know? And there were no. Like, there wasn't even something where they could say, oh, he said there was a bumper sticker or a dent on the car that matched. Like, it was just the fact that it was blue. And all they could say, really, was that the suspect's car so they had their eyes on this guy, but all they could say is that this car and shoes might be the same type of car and shoes, but that's about it. It was also not evidence that Daniel's car or shoes were at any of the scenes of the crimes. Like, they couldn't even prove because they hadn't found any evidence of Daniel actually being there. They couldn't prove, like, what if someone used his car? What if someone wore his shoes? So they were just kind of in a rough spot. But the real breakthrough that occurred was one single hair that think God, they had preserved not knowing about the future of DNA evidence. Right.

[B]

Isn't that fucking crazy?

[A]

Isn't that crazy? I mean, I guess in 89 you may have known that it was.

[B]

Something's on the horizon. Up.

[A]

Yes, exactly. Like an up and coming thing. I'm just really thankful they were thorough enough to save one hair, you know?

[B]

What do you think is like the. The next thing that, like, I think about it all, we're just all abandoning at crime scenes when we should be getting a big fucking scoop of it. Like, what if it's just like, the air? You know, that's what I get.

[A]

That's my guess, is that we leave some sort of trace that we just can't.

[B]

Like, part of our aura. Yeah, Yeah.

[A]

I really do think that there's something to that. Like when you walk into a room and people have just been arguing and you're like, whoa, it's tense in here. Like, the air feels weird. I just feel like there's got to be something like that. I mean, I don't know, maybe I'm just.

[B]

I feel like if I were a cop, I would. And like, you're a detective or whatever, I would absolutely be known as, like, the nutty one who's like, grabbing way too many things from the crime scene. And I'm like, you just never know, you know?

[A]

Yeah, this is like some character on Bones or something where you're like, no, trust me.

[B]

What was it? What was the guy. No, who was the one with OCD?

[A]

Monk.

[B]

Monk. I feel like O.C.

[A]

Monk, my favorite show of all time.

[B]

I feel like. I feel like it would be something from Monk of like, oh, this. This is the way that you. Your cahoots show themselves, you know?

[A]

Your cahoots?

[B]

Yeah, just collecting a bunch of weird stuff at a crime scene.

[A]

Oh, what's a cahoot?

[B]

Like being in cahoots with something like.

[A]

A. Oh, oh, this is how I'm going to know you're. I Got you. I thought you meant those were your cahoots. You mean that? Yeah. Okay, I get it now. I get it now. I'm gonna pitch this to abc. It sounds like it could be a good series. So anyway, this is the hair. They found this one single hair, decades old, still gathering dust somewhere. And they are able to run DNA analysis on it. And guess what? It belongs to Daniel Heinrich. It also matches the DNA collected from Jared's snow suit. Which would have been after the rape. Yeah. So, empowered by this new evidence that Daniel had contact with Jacob and Jared on the day of both abductions, detectives obtained a search warrant for Daniel's house. Finally. And Ann and Daniel, Minnesota. Of course, Daniel insisted that he never touched anyone, but he did say, hey, when you search my house, you're gonna find some, quote, damning stuff.

[B]

So, I mean, to be fair, if anyone looked at our stuff, they would.

[A]

Also see that they'd say something maybe not damning, but definitely concerning.

[B]

I'd say there will be things that the. The prosecutor might use.

[A]

Yeah, there could be a lot of skulls, some evidence of character. FL maybe.

[B]

Certainly they will try to defame me, and they will have every right to do that.

[A]

They will do it correctly, and it will not be slander, because it will be true. But also, there are wooden dildos galore, and I would advise you not to touch them. They might give you a splinter. We do have a lot of dildo gifts that people have given us. Wooden dildos, glass dildos.

[B]

I did think about whipping out one of our wooden dildos for today's episode.

[A]

But I almost thought about going downstairs and getting the glass last one, but I'm. It's not gonna happen anyway. So they. They. As much as we might say, hey, don't look through our stuff, he had real reason to actually worry. When the police looked at his stuff, they discovered a plethora of child sexual abuse material, children's clothing that he had collected. If they found VHS tapes featuring hours of children playing at playgrounds and just, like, running around town, that he would film himself. And with too little evidence to charge Daniel with Jacob's actual abduction, because they didn't even know where Jacob was, the investigators offered a plea deal instead, which became very controversial. They basically told Daniel, if you could tell us what happened to Jacob and provide evidence that it's true, you can plead guilty to one child sexual abuse material charge in federal court, and that would be a maximum 20 year sentence. And so it was kind of like, we're trading kind of some justice for information on where Jacob. What happened to Jacob?

[B]

Right.

[A]

So it's, you know, it's kind of controversial, but I don't know that there was ever a right answer. It was the way. The only way that investigators believed they could ever actually figure out what had happened to Jacob. So Daniel accepted the deal and led investigators to a wooded lot at a farm where they dug up and discovered Jacob. Jacob's remains. Daniel told investigators that he had dragged Jacob to his car by gunpoint, where he handcuffed him. And Jacob asked, what did I do wrong?

[B]

Oh, my God. Just heartbreaking.

[A]

It just hurts so much. It hurts. Daniel drove Jacob to a rural location, just as he had done to Jared, and he then raped him. He was more nervous than usual, and he saw red lights on the road that he thought might be police lights, so he panicked and he shot Jacob twice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Daniel went home for a while, Then he returned to bury Jacob, and a.

[B]

Year later, he just left him there.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

That's insane. I mean. I mean, all those. Obviously. But, like, you would think if you're that panicked, you would go. You would hide the evidence immediately, not, like, go home and take a nap.

[A]

Well, I think he wanted to get out of the. He was like, I've done something. I up. I'm gonna peace out for a bit, figure out what to do. I don't know. I mean, I don't know what this lunatic's thought processes, but either way, he probably had to. He probably didn't plan to kill him and had to go get a shovel, you know, I don't know. But either way, he returned to bury Jacob. And a year later, when he. Yuck. Revisited the burial site, he noticed that Jacob's red jacket was poking out of the soil. So he relocated Jacob to a different burial site in the woods. And he remained there for over 20 years, just, wow. Undetected.

[B]

And the parents just got no closure. The siblings got no closure as friends got no closure.

[A]

It was decades.

[B]

That babysitter got no closure. I mean, like, and then think about Jared, who was.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Who got away, and it's like, how come? I. I'm sure that's a whole conundrum of, like, how come I survived and he didn't?

[A]

It's like, to feel for that kid, but also be like, shit, that could have happened to me, you know? Yeah. Yeah. So when Jerry and Patty, speaking of the parents, received the news that Jacob's remains had been found, Patty said that through the pain, she felt a sort of peace, like you mentioned, kind of a closure, knowing that at least Jacob was at rest, and they had kind of solved the mystery. Jerry said the experience was beyond words. And it was. This makes me cry a little bit. That it was calling their other children, his. His siblings on the phone. That was the hardest part to tell them.

[B]

Yeah, I can't imagine their brother was.

[A]

Dead after all this time. So Daniel firmly denied being involved in any of the harassment and assault reports that had been going around by a lot of children. He did, however, confess to kidnapping and raping Jared in January of 1989. I think that was a given because his DNA was on the snowsuit that he was wearing.

[B]

But he was only. He was only, like, fessing up because he got busted, not because exactly had, like, decided, like, oh, how about I throw you over bone?

[A]

And, oh, and guess why else? He was only confessing because the statute of limitations was up, so he couldn't even get in trouble for it. So he's like, whatever, I guess I'll confess.

[B]

Okay, now. Now, again, thinking about the trauma of Jared of, like, oh, great. So. So now he just do anything about it?

[A]

No. 100%. We're actually getting into Jared now because it's funny you mentioned that, because he. If not funny, but it's like. It's very relevant that you mentioned that, because basically, my next bullet here is. For years, Jared had endured, like we said, trauma, nightmares, and he often felt as though the authorities weren't really case. Seriously, when he was a child, for. For. Oh, that he felt that way for good reason. Yeah, yeah. When he was a child, for example, officers interviewed him without his parents, which should not have happened, especially after he was raped. And they made him feel as though they didn't, like, believe him. Like, they were almost, like, quizzing him on the details, that kind of thing. So Jared actually dedicated countless hours to advocate advocating for himself, other survivors. And that, of course, played a major, major role and in reopening Jacob's case in 2014, which is great. So he was able to, like, push for that to finally be solved on behalf of Jacob. So at a press conference, Patty, who had become very close with Jared, which makes me really happy, because he's the same age, you know, as her son would be, and he suffered through the same ordeal. So it's kind of. At least they have each other in some way. They've gotten very close. And at a press conference, she thanked Jared and said, quote, jared had the courage to stand up and say, this happened to me. So in 2018, Jared actually won a lawsuit against Daniel. The court awarded Jared $17 million. But of course, Daniel Heinrich cannot pay that because he doesn't have $17 million. So it was more of a symbolic thing. The lawsuit was more about giving Jared his chance. Chance to actually get up in court and have the legal system acknowledge that that was his right, his victimizer, you know, that he was a victim and that Daniel should be behind bars. And so, you know what? Good for him. He went through all that. I imagine that was a lot of, like, reopening wounds.

[B]

And also at that point, like, the statute of limitations is up and everything. So it's like, how take the closure where you can get it, you know?

[A]

Yes. Like, what else? Like, if this is the last, the only option, like, absolutely, you know, and so he was able to face him in court, and the justice system was able to say, yep, what happened to you matters. You are owed $17 million. Not that that would ever, you know, pay off any trauma. But, like, at least we recognize that. That you were wronged and deserve justice. So it was, you know, symbolic closure in that way. Meanwhile, poor Dan, by the way, interesting. Interestingly that. Or interesting that Daniel ended up being the actual perp. But then Dan was the guy that they were harassing for years. So Dan, the band teacher, sought damages from the state for defamation, but he lost that lawsuit, unfortunately, even though he had proven that he endured six years of public shame from the time investigators named him a person of interest in 2010 to Daniel's confession. All those six years he was going through, people, you know, saying, oh, you're a murderer, you're a rapist. I mean, I can't even imagine be around.

[B]

And also, like, when to be innocent in that situation and to have, like, people like, probably, like, trying to get into your house or say, like, I can't believe you hurt kids are not feeling safe. Grocery shopping, car.

[A]

Imagine.

[B]

I know that's the house, you dig? I mean, not you. I mean, and then part of it is like, I just want to leave. But I don't know if he was even allowed to leave town. So he's had to sit, and he's.

[A]

Living on his family's property. So it's like, oh, right. And if you're. Yeah, maybe he was advised not to leave town. That's a good point. Yeah. Who knows? Yeah. So that was kind of sad. And he didn't the appeal. His lawsuit was dismissed. The appeal was denied. So that's kind of a bummer. I hope he was able to find some sort of, you know, peace and what the PC deserves. So Meanwhile, Jacob's legacy lives on in the advocacy work that's been done in his name and in the memory of him as a force for good. After Jacob's killer confessed to the crime, Patty spoke publicly once again. She said, jacob has taught us all how to live, how to love, how to be fair, how to be kind. He speaks to the world that he knew that we believe is a world worth fighting for. Jacob, I'm so sorry. And that was her. That was her. That was her.

[B]

Her.

[A]

Her statement. And his. His mom actually did an interview at one point. I was as. As well and remembered that the day before he was kidnapped, he was in a bad mood, like a grumpy toad mood. And at the end of the day, he went up to his mom and apologized for being cranky and asked if she wanted to play a game with him.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Just out of the blue, at age.

[B]

11, that has to. I mean, just twist the knife.

[A]

Yeah, I know, I know. And his best friend Aaron, who was there when the attack happened, said that Jacob was the first to befriend him in second grade when he was a new student. And he, you know, takes lessons from Jacob now as he raises his own children and kind of wants the. He. As he calls it, the goodness of Jacob to just be around him and his kids and his family. And he said, hope doesn't stop, which is really lovely.

[B]

I also. I can't imagine being a parent of a kid that that happened, or a parent after being the friend of the kid that that happened to. And it's like, well, now I gotta trust that my kids are safe outside.

[A]

And seeing them at age 11 and being like, that was my age when that happened, oh, it's gotta be terrible. So, you know, Patty and Jerry worked hard to make sure their kids felt confident and safe again. They wanted them to, like, still be able to adventure and enjoy the world without living in fear. In an interview, for example, Patty said, I'm a believer in children. I didn't want our kids to live fearful and afraid of the world. So that is the story of the kidnapping of Jesus. Jacob Wetterling. It's a toughie.

[B]

Yeah. I don't. I don't know what to do with that. I. It's a. That's a.

[A]

It's a toughie.

[B]

Well, I don't. I. Maybe I was mixing it up with a different story that I heard. It was the one where, like, the. It was a little kid and two older kids kind of like, dragged him to a train station or something.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, I think that's what I thought Jacob Barling was.

[A]

I've not been able to. To cover that one yet. I've not had the.

[B]

That one I don't know the name of.

[A]

So then I don't off the top of my head either, but I know which one you mean.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Well, my voice certainly.

[A]

Scary. Yeah, Very scary. After Halloween last night and everything.

[B]

I'm like, also, all the vaping. You just did that. Yeah, all the vaping through the dildo story.

[A]

That one thing where I did half of. Half of it because you said principal on. And I went, wait, I remember now. The principal kid. I don't even get to enjoy it.

[B]

I have to. I. Sorry. I keep looking down. There's like. There's some weird residue on this table. And like, my. My sensory. I'm like, just. I can't stop with it, but I feel like it.

[A]

A wet wipe.

[B]

Yeah. If I touch it anymore, I feel like I'm gonna damage the table, man. Okay, well, now, when do we record and you get to bum me out all over again. Is that. No. Next week?

[A]

I think so. I think. Well, I don't know.

[B]

We're about to be in Texas together, you and me.

[A]

I know we're going to Texas. I'm very excited. We always have a great time in Texas. We're going to be in Austin and Dallas. The shows are sold out. Well, they'll be over, I guess, by the time this comes out. But yeah, I'm excited. It'll be fun. And I'm excited to see you, Em.

[B]

I know. I. It's.

[A]

Now. This is the official one after the election, by the way. Sorry, just say real quick because we kept calling that last one the post election. This is the post election one, so we'll see.

[B]

Well, so if. If things turn. Turn ugly for us that it'll justify me sounding grumpy when we first started this episode. Well, you can.

[A]

You can find both of us in dildo, probably. We're out of here. If things go wrong, I'm moving to dildo.

[B]

If. Hey, you know, dumbest thing I ever did was buy a house right before an election. Because I'm like, well, maybe. What if I wanted to be one of those people who just up and leaves? I can't.

[A]

Smooth move.

[B]

Whoops. Oh, man. Well, yeah, I'll see you in Texas. Everyone else, I guess we'll see you.

[A]

Next week or at the yappy hour. We're doing one final yappy hour today. Unless everyone's like, we love yappy.

[B]

Hours. Keep doing it.

[A]

Yeah, but it doesn't seem like you do. But we're gonna do one more, so come join us for the Yappy Hour finale. And then we're gonna start doing. Hopefully start doing. This is the plan. Anyway. Monthly live streams for patrons. So, yeah, go to patreon.com and again, if you sign up through the App Store, it will charge you a surcharge through Apple. So I would recommend. If you're on Android, that's. You're fine, but I would recommend going to the browser, so.

[B]

And that's why we.

[A]

I think something's wrong with your cart. There's egg in it.