Jordan Jensen wants to Smash her Dad, Bad Acid Trips, & God is a Woman?

Summary

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Flagrant with Andrew Schulz & Akaash Singh

Episode: Jordan Jensen wants to Smash her Dad, Bad Acid Trips, & God is a Woman?
Date: October 8, 2025
Guest: Jordan Jensen (Comedian)

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Episode Overview

This riotous and unfiltered episode features comedian Jordan Jensen, diving headfirst into taboo topics with her signature raw honesty. The crew—Andrew Santino, Alex McMullen, a female guest, and the usual Flagrant crew—spend over two hours weaving through subjects like complex parental attraction, OCD, acid trips, gender roles, sexual dynamics, addiction, the stigma of women's health, the spiritual meaning of God’s gender, and the wildest stories from Jordan's life and family.
The laughter is relentless, the boundaries are tested, and the flagrant attitude is alive and well.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Jordan’s Family & “Wanting to Smash Her Dad” (03:05, 05:56, 05:58, 09:47)

• Attraction to "Hot Dad":
  The group jokes at length about Jordan’s late father being hot, his sexual prowess, and the strange but common phenomenon of daughters idolizing their fathers.
  • “You talk a lot about wanting to f**k your dad.” (03:05, Santino)
  • “My dead dad on the screen. No, I don’t like that…That’s his obituary picture.” (04:23, Jordan)
  • Jordan explains her dad was a horse trainer and carpenter—both “hot” jobs—and openly describes sabotage tactics against his conquests when she was a child.
  • She reflects on daughters’ attachment to affectionate dads and how it messes with later romantic attachments.
    • “When your dad holds you on their chest, you get really attached to that feeling. And then you try to replace it forever.”
    • Not all childhoods were the same: “He wasn’t very affectionate. We’ve hugged maybe, like, thrice.” (Guest Woman, 10:01)

2. Taboo Language, Censorship & Cancel Culture (13:27, 13:43, 14:16, 18:38)

• Group discusses the social policing of words like the n-word, “tranny,” and the cognitive dissonance comedians face in the era of cancel culture.
  • “I’m not saying it again.” (19:23, Jordan)
  • Santino jokes: “If I was Black, I’d use the n-word. It’d be a problem.” (13:31)
  • On being canceled: “You’re gonna get dragged, dude.” (19:37, Jordan)

3. Hate Comments and Online Negativity (20:32, 22:03)

• Jordan and Santino share experiences of dealing with hate online, especially the unique intensity women face.
  • “The shit people are saying [to women]. Oh yeah, it’s unhinged.” (22:03, Santino)
  • Jordan: “When you’re reading all these things, you’re just looking for the word ‘fat’…That’s all you’re looking for.”

4. Women’s Health, Yeast Infections & Sugar (32:27, 55:47, 57:06)

• Candid and hilarious discussion about the reality of living with yeast infections, UTIs, and the difficulty of discussing women’s health issues without shame.
  • “You either are a UTI girl or you’re a yeast girl.” (56:23, Jordan)
  • Jordan details quitting sugar to stop chronic yeast infections, and shares the connection between dietary habits and female health.

5. Drug Use, Bad Acid Trips & OCD (27:26, 33:30, 54:22, 65:28)

• Jordan opens up about using acid and mushrooms to cope with OCD and intrusive thoughts, including transformative “hero doses.”
  • “I realized on acid that you don’t have to trust yourself. You’re just a compilation of everything that has ever happened to you.” (34:07, Jordan)
  • Multiple stories on bad trips, mental health, and the difference (and similarities) between mushrooms and acid.

6. Gender, Relationships, and Sexual Politics (29:04, 48:43, 75:46, 122:05)

• Wrestling with gender roles, attraction to “masculine men,” trad wife culture, and why Jordan exclusively dates blue-collar Republicans for the masculinity.
  • “You have to be a lesbian. There’s no way you can suck a d*ck and build a house.” (74:59, Jordan)
  • “Because I’m masculine, I have to date someone more masculine than me…and they’re always conservative.” (76:07)
  • “Sex is actually an impediment to finding love.” (112:11, Santino)

7. God’s Gender & Religious Upbringing (114:39, 116:41, 118:45)

• Spirited debate on whether God is a man or woman, and the spiritual implications; playful jabs at religious traditions.
  • “If God was a woman, God wouldn’t have her period, because she would be constantly giving birth.” (117:59, Jordan)
  • “I don’t believe in God, but I think if there was a God, it would definitely be a woman.” (117:49, Jordan)

8. Comedy Process, Stand-Up Life & Self-Deprecation (60:36, 85:00, 129:02)

• Stand-up techniques: anxiety peeing before sets, diet, blue-collar job anecdotes, and tragicomic tales including doing stand-up at her dad’s funeral (129:02: "I was supposed to be giving a speech about how sad I was that my dad died, but I ended up just throwing bits out at everybody…")
• Insights on writing, touring, and the myth of using "downtime" to work on material.

9. Stories of Rage, NYC Living, and Street Justice (35:01, 36:31, 38:16, 73:01)

• Outrageous street stories: uppercutting a car mirror, physically confronting dog haters, altercations in LA and NY, chasing a flasher and publicly accusing men of being “sociopaths.”
  • “I uppercutted his side view mirror…I was so ready for it to shatter…but the mirror just went eee.” (35:17, Jordan)
  • “This guy…he kids. And he looked at me like, ‘Don’t do this.’ And I went, ‘Hey, everybody, this guy, he kids!’” (38:56, Jordan)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On her wild childhood:
  • “I would sabotage everything while he was sleeping with these women. I would, I would take their shoes and feed them to my Labrador…try and put super glue on their purses…” (06:36)
• On taboo language:
  • “I’m not saying it again.” (19:23, Jordan)
  • “If I was black, I’d use the n-word. Nonsense. It’d be like a problem.” (13:31, Santino)
• On women’s health:
  • “You either are a UTI girl or you’re a yeast girl… If you have a tiny itch, you’ll stop eating sugar.” (56:23, Jordan)
• On the difference between men and women:
  • “Men use love to get sex; women use sex to get love…Ours is so pathetic. Yours is so cool.” (113:54, 113:56, Jordan)
• On violence and rage:
  • “I want to fight all the time. It’s really true.” (37:38, Jordan)
• On masturbation/porn:
  • “I do not jerk off. I do not watch porn.” (111:28, Jordan)
• On the gender of God:
  • “If there was a God, it would definitely be a woman.” (117:49, Jordan)
• On her funeral stand-up set:
  • “I ended up just throwing bits out at everybody...I started roasting people...I couldn’t stop cracking jokes.” (129:19, Jordan)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00 – 04:35: Wild cold open, stories about Jordan’s hot dad, anti-conspiracy politics
• 05:56 – 09:47: Sexual tension around dad, sabotaging dad’s partners
• 13:27 – 19:38: Offensive language, cancel culture, “tranny” and the n-word discussion
• 20:32 – 22:03: Hate comments and online trolling experiences
• 27:26 – 34:07: OCD, intrusive thoughts, transformative acid trip
• 35:01 – 39:18: Road rage, fights, public confrontations
• 48:43 – 54:22: Masculinity, dating blue-collar men, drug use history
• 55:47 – 57:25: The reality of yeast infections and sugar
• 60:36 – 62:35: Comedy process: anxiety, food before sets, and self-deprecation
• 73:01 – 74:59: NYC stories: flasher, crazy super, love for tiny apartments
• 85:00 – 86:34: Down-time myth in comedy; not writing new material on breaks
• 114:39 – 118:09: Spirited “is God a woman?” theological debate
• 122:05 – 123:46: Harems, history, and female fantasy of “hive mother” leadership
• 129:02 – 130:25: Jordan’s stand-up at her father’s funeral—darkly comic closure

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Tone & Language Note:

The entire episode is flamboyantly irreverent and brutally honest. Jordan Jensen’s style is self-roasting, forthright, at times shockingly confessional, but always with a sense of humor designed to deflate sensitive issues and laugh at darkness. The flagrant crew’s chemistry—open, unfiltered banter, quick-fire roasting, and shamelessly flagrant hot takes—is on high display throughout, making this a true “greatest hang in the universe.”

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Final Word

For listeners, this episode is an absolute clinic in confessional, fearless, and boundary-pushing comedy. It navigates the dark, the awkward, and the irreverent—all while finding big laughs and genuine moments of relatability.
Whether you’re craving off-the-wall stories about growing up in a wild family or just want to hear unapologetic honesty about sex, drugs, and God, Jordan Jensen and the Flagrant crew deliver nonstop.

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Guest Promo:
Jordan Jensen’s special Take Me With You is streaming on Netflix now.
Check out her podcasts B and E and RIP.

Transcript

[Jordan Jensen]

Dude, these women will blow anybody. No offense.

[Andrew Santino]

It makes me respect women less than dude.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't respect women at all. It's a huge problem. I'm scared about having a pregnant belly. And just when my friends have a pregnant belly, I'm like, I can't stand near you. I'll do a clean uppercut. I think about the uppercut all the time, dude. There was a guy last night walking around my house, and he just kept opening his fly and showing the tip of his penis. It was almost like he wanted me to be like, it's good. And then I walked up to the super, and I was like, there's a guy just showing the tip of his penis everywhere. And the super goes, that's awesome. And I was like, what? They go, you have to be a lesbian. There's no way you can suck a and build a house. And I go, I can do both. Pretty good. So then I chased after him, and I was slamming him with my luggage, calling him a sociopath. And then I said to everybody, I was like, this guy's a sociopath. I was like, you know what sociopaths do? They kids. And he looked at me like, don't do this. And I went, hey, everybody. This guy, this kid. It was crazy. I kind of wish that there was reptiles running the government. I was thinking about that, how I wish I still had that back, that belief in the back of my mind. Because right now, it's just Trump. It's just a guy. You know what I mean? It's just a guy on Twitter who watches Kimmel. I'm like, no, I can't have a president watching Kimmel. There's gotta be a puppet master. But I don't think there is. No.

[Andrew Santino]

He's just a guy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Dude, that's depressing.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. You want to believe it's reptiles.

[Andrew Santino]

At least Biden was controlled by somebody. I mean, he was dad, right?

[Jordan Jensen]

Bush had his dad controlling him, which was nice. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

We had Henry Kissinger doing some shit, right? But now it's just this guy. Did you see the video of Trump and Kirk's wife?

[Andrew Santino]

No, I haven't seen the video. I've seen the still pictures, but I haven't seen the video.

[Jordan Jensen]

They're just spray tans rubbing off on each other. It's a blending of makeup. It's a Sephora mess. It's crazy.

[Alex McMullen]

You pull this up.

[Andrew Santino]

Alex McMullen. I did see a clip specifically wanted to be here because she's a big fan of yours. So she's sitting in.

[Guest Woman]

Hello, they only let me speak if there's another woman here.

[Alex McMullen]

That makes sense.

[Jordan Jensen]

That makes sense.

[Andrew Santino]

No, no. Two wrongs don't make a right.

[Jordan Jensen]

You have to translate for me because they don't understand what I'm saying. You have to be. What she's saying is this.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Guest Woman]

I'm also terrible at the computer.

[Alex McMullen]

So everyone.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

So we're gonna already the wrong image, so. Oh, no. There we go.

[Guest Woman]

Is that what you're looking for?

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. But they really were squishing the tans together quite a lot.

[Andrew Santino]

It feels. It feels. Does it feel sexual? That's what people are implying. I actually don't think that. I think she's seeking comfort.

[Guest Woman]

Anything for you, man.

[Andrew Santino]

Like, am I attracted to. Would I jerk off to this?

[Jordan Jensen]

No. That's a lot.

[Andrew Santino]

If you take her out of there, I probably beat off to it once.

[Alex McMullen]

Or twice, but it's not given sexual to me.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I don't feel like it's sexual.

[Jordan Jensen]

He is the most unnatural hugging person in the entire world. Like, you can tell she's trying to be like, let's show some level of intimacy and vulnerability. And he's so weird about it.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, man.

[Jordan Jensen]

He's like giving her hard taps the whole video. Like hard back taps.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

That burying in daddy's chest though. I do. I get what she's doing. I get. I get that feeling.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay, now this. Let's talk about this. So I was watching your stand up special last night. It's phenomenal. Everybody check it out. It's on Netflix.

[Jordan Jensen]

Take me with you. Watch it.

[Andrew Santino]

Take me with you.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

That was a poor plug on my part. Take me with you. It's phenomenal. You talk a lot about wanting to your dad. Yeah, we found a picture of him. I think I have pretty good. Pretty good taste in men. I don't know that I would.

[Jordan Jensen]

This guy, you found him when he's old.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, do you have any picture of hot dad?

[Alex McMullen]

This is a great distinction.

[Andrew Santino]

Can we pull up the picture?

[Jordan Jensen]

I definitely have Hot dad.

[Andrew Santino]

And if you're okay with it, we would show this on the pod. We don't have to.

[Jordan Jensen]

But let me send you hot dad, though. It's a picture.

[Andrew Santino]

Yes, please send hot dad. Cuz I want to support you in this. I love indulging this idea that you have a hot dad. That you would. It's a very fun idea.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

But I wouldn't that guy. You're a hater. Even if he's not my dad.

[Jordan Jensen]

You would.

[Guest Woman]

That guy.

[Alex McMullen]

You don't like the golden bachelor right there. You also don't like white guys. So it's like, you know, I like.

[Andrew Santino]

White guys, not white girls.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, that's my dad, like a month before he died. No, he's still kind of hot.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Guest Woman]

See what I'm saying?

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

This guy's not bad looking.

[Jordan Jensen]

No. You don't know how ripped he was.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, yeah, you can show the group.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

He's.

[Andrew Santino]

He was skinny, but he was like. He was like.

[Jordan Jensen]

He just was mean. It doesn't that.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, dude, look at this picture.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's him. Rugby.

[Andrew Santino]

I get it.

[Ad Reader]

Yeah, he gets it.

[Andrew Santino]

I get it.

[Guest Woman]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

And he got rugby, too.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like. All right, get my dad off the screen.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't want to.

[Jordan Jensen]

Fucking. Jesus Christ.

[Ad Reader]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Jordan Jensen]

My dead dad on the screen. No, I don't like that. I like that your dead dad. I don't want to look at a picture of him and freaking right before he died. That's his obituary picture.

[Andrew Santino]

Send the hot picture and pull that up.

[Alex McMullen]

That photo of your father that.

[Andrew Santino]

I'll text it to Alex because she'll probably stalk the out of you. Give her your number.

[Alex McMullen]

That's very true. That photo of your dad that was pulled up from the obituary looks so much like the dad in A Knight's Tale.

[Andrew Santino]

A Knight's Tale? The Heath Ledger one?

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, the Heath Ledger one. Like the Blind Father?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

That's unbelievable. I thought that was.

[Andrew Santino]

A deep cut reference.

[Ad Reader]

Whoa.

[Alex McMullen]

Type in dad.

[Jordan Jensen]

Why don't I have more photos of him?

[Andrew Santino]

Because he wasn't a great dad.

[Jordan Jensen]

It seems like Apple needs to review before it sends it. Yeah. That is my dad.

[Alex McMullen]

That looks.

[Jordan Jensen]

Am I crazy?

[Alex McMullen]

That looks like him.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Not far. Not far. Your dad's better. Look at this guy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Can't you look up, like, Jack Jensen, Facebook? There's not one there. I feel like there is.

[Alex McMullen]

We really put you in an existential spin here.

[Jordan Jensen]

I want you to see how hot he is now I want to see.

[Andrew Santino]

How hot he is. I love looking at.

[Alex McMullen]

You saw those pictures.

[Andrew Santino]

He was a piece of the picture. I sucked at.

[Jordan Jensen]

It also doesn't matter, like, if your dad is ripped and angry with you. He's hot also. He was like a horse trainer and he was a carpenter. Everything he did was hot. He would get angry and. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Carpenter, Lane Wood. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. Horse trainer. That's sexy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Controlling the beast.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. And he fucked everyone around me. He was having sex with women constantly, so I could hear them enjoying it.

[Andrew Santino]

Really? Yeah. That's a Little wild. Your mom around you, that seems like.

[Jordan Jensen]

My mom around me a lot too.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, I mean, your dad, your mom around you, that feels like a. That's a good thing for a kid to hear, I think. But it's just worse.

[Jordan Jensen]

When your dad is your mom, you're like, quit my mom. When your dad is a woman, you're like, get it, get it, dad?

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know?

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

When he's your mom, you're like, get out of my mother.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, exactly. That's not your dad having sex.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't think a child is like.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't think a child is like, get it, dad. You know, I mean, I think an 8 year old's like, look at my dad laying pipe.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Making the stranger squeal later. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I would sabotage everything while he was sleeping with these women. I would, I would take their shoes and feed them to my Labrador and I would try and put super glue on their like purses and stuff. Oh, my God. Because I saw Matilda with the hat. Super glue dries. Turns out it just dries like pretty quickly. So it never works.

[Andrew Santino]

Matilda, when Danny DeVito. Have you seen that? She puts the hat and he puts it on.

[Alex McMullen]

What an insane prank. That is hilarious. You were just mischievous.

[Jordan Jensen]

I was really mischievous. Well, they were fogging my boyfriend. Okay. He was cheating on me. Yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Now, did you ever talk to your dad about the fact that he was. You mentioned at least in passing, you're a good looking guy. Do you ever like to try to soft play and see?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, of course. I mean, growing up, all of our friends wanted to sleep with him, so he knew.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, totally.

[Jordan Jensen]

So I'd be like, dad, you have to like wear pants when my friends are over and stuff.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know, did he have game?

[Alex McMullen]

Did you ever see him like flirting?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh my God. Yeah, totally. He had serious game and he was, he would get really high all the time. So he would just offer my friends weed and then they would.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh my God.

[Jordan Jensen]

And then they would just be like.

[Alex McMullen]

Giggle and the hot pair.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's, that's, that's, that's a lethal conversation. A lot of weed.

[Andrew Santino]

Did he any of your friends?

[Jordan Jensen]

No, he. My, one of my sister's friends I just saw the other day. Older sister. Younger older sister.

[Andrew Santino]

Thank God.

[Jordan Jensen]

We were like driving one time and my friend was bike biking in front of us and I was like, oh, that's now. And he was like, wow, she's really grown up. I remember that so well. And being like, dad, she's not grown Up. She's not grown up. And it was like her ass, you know what I mean? Like, she was like driving with a lifted butt, you know what I mean? And I was like, please, please just.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh yeah. She was like sitting off the seat.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

No, he.

[Jordan Jensen]

Everybody, every waitress at every diner, he. And it would be so frustrating cuz they would come over and be like, hi, Jack. And I'd be like, dude, did you. This lady also rules. Yeah, he does rule, dude.

[Andrew Santino]

He was awesome.

[Alex McMullen]

Would you ask him that for real? Yeah, he would be honest.

[Jordan Jensen]

He'd be like, yeah, I fucked her. He would make me go on dates with her. And to tell if a woman was whack or not, he. He would have women calling. We had a rotary phone because he like was into old shit and we. I would hang up on this. I would have to hang up on this woman. I'd have to sit by the phone and every time she called to hang up on her because she would obsessively call.

[Andrew Santino]

It was crazy strong, dude.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

She was so hot. She was super hot. Yeah. But crazy, crazy obsessed with him. She tried to steal my cat.

[Alex McMullen]

Wait, how?

[Jordan Jensen]

When she moved, he kicked her out and she took my cat in her car. And I remember him running after her car being like, wait, wait, wait. And I remember seeing in her face, I remember this so well. It must have been like four or five. And I remember seeing her be like, oh my God, he's stopping me to like take me back. And he just reached into the car, took the cat and was like, all right, now you can leave. And I was like, yes, different pussy. Yes.

[Andrew Santino]

My boyfriend.

[Jordan Jensen]

Flights were my honor. I was really happy. But yeah, I think women don't talk about it, but I think when you are raised with a not autistic father, which most of people were, I think that. And you are a female and your dad holds you on their chest. I think you get really attached to that feeling. And then I think that you try and replace that forever. But I don't think people. Did you have a hot dad? Did you have a dad?

[Guest Woman]

Yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

Did you have a ripped dad?

[Andrew Santino]

Did you put the mic closer to yourself?

[Jordan Jensen]

Did he lift you up? Did he lift you up?

[Guest Woman]

He wasn't very affectionate. So it's just like, oh, that's like a guy who lives in my house. Like it wasn't like, like there were no hugs.

[Jordan Jensen]

You didn't sleep in his bed at all?

[Guest Woman]

Never really. We've hugged maybe like thrice.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, that's What I mean by autistic dad.

[Guest Woman]

A lot of people had that unemotional.

[Alex McMullen]

I think, I think this also what like you're.

[Jordan Jensen]

Do you have a daughter?

[Alex McMullen]

No, I have a son.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay, great.

[Andrew Santino]

No, his son's probably gonna want to blow it.

[Jordan Jensen]

What I'm telling you, if you're a normal dad. No, he wasn't a good dad.

[Alex McMullen]

If he was better going to be such a good dad that he's going to want to.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Suck that thing clean off.

[Jordan Jensen]

When you're doing your job.

[Alex McMullen]

My one year old.

[Jordan Jensen]

You're going to get sucked off by a baby.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You're doing a good job.

[Ad Reader]

Want to.

[Andrew Santino]

You know, three years old, he wants to replace that pacifier with something. With all due respect, there's no respect.

[Alex McMullen]

He's talking about me, my child.

[Andrew Santino]

No, I'm not saying he'll your child. I'm just saying she's bringing up a good point. And if you have a parent, you oftentimes want to them and you have a kid.

[Jordan Jensen]

So did you guys want to your moms at all a little?

[Andrew Santino]

No, I don't think so. But I do think guys in their partners find qualities similar to. No, I your mom. I never wanted to my mom but I get why any guy would want to. I'll be like, yeah, good for you. I think my mom should get great dick. I want that for her. I care about her. I hope that, I hope that's happening. Her and my dad are still together.

[Ad Reader]

Oh, oh, wow.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's why he wouldn't be together.

[Alex McMullen]

That's why he wouldn't his mom. Because he doesn't have good dick.

[Andrew Santino]

I, I. Then maybe that's done. Maybe subconsciously.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

You're gonna let her down twice. Yeah. You can't do that. Not a doctor.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. She already knows what your dick looks like. You're like, we're not gonna, we're never gonna. She's seen my.

[Andrew Santino]

But Al's mom hasn't had sex in decades. So I can satisfy her. You're Al's mom? Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

She hasn't talked in decades.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really? Yeah. Why?

[Alex McMullen]

Since my parents got divorced, she just gave up.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really? Is she hot though?

[Ad Reader]

I would say she's cute.

[Andrew Santino]

She's cute.

[Alex McMullen]

All due respect.

[Andrew Santino]

She got this.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know.

[Alex McMullen]

Wait, how's that?

[Andrew Santino]

Crazy.

[Ad Reader]

We're Puerto Rican.

[Alex McMullen]

She's old school. We don't do the gay stuff.

[Jordan Jensen]

Don't really?

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, they don't believe in it.

[Jordan Jensen]

I mean sometimes. How old was she when she got divorced?

[Alex McMullen]

Probably 30.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, young.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Okay. Because Sometimes when you get divorced at like 55, you're like, why would I ever go back? I. I just went through a breakup and I'm like, I don't think I'm ever want to have sex again. Because that's what, you know. I mean, you're just like.

[Andrew Santino]

Apparently you've been pretty up and down with this guy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Let's shut your mouth. Okay. Where did you really talk about that? A. That was right. That was the day after the breakup. I go in there, so hot. I'm so mad at all women. I drop a slur and it goes online. Everybody's freaking out. And I was like, you didn't know how sad I was. Yeah, we just.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, but also, I get what you are. You're like a very strong premises. You just got to let. I do. It's got to let you play and you'll land the plane. I felt like you didn't get to land the plane, but you have these really premises that sound insane, but if you just. If I just let you go, it's going to be a fine thing. You're like, I know where she's going.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I know. I know. That's not him.

[Andrew Santino]

You say whatever you want to say. We'll let you land the plane. I promise.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's great, because I. I'm not going down that road again. I'm not doing that. I had no idea. I mean, I had no idea. It's like. It's like Gillis with the SNL thing. I didn't know if you were quoting. I knew only with the N word. But I didn't know if you were saying, this is a bad person. Who said this bad word? I didn't know you couldn't say the bad word. I knew I couldn't be like, you are. You know what I mean? But I thought I could be like they called me. Yeah, right.

[Andrew Santino]

That's what I think.

[Jordan Jensen]

If you're getting. For some reason, we're all fine with that.

[Andrew Santino]

It's my favorite word.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I know.

[Andrew Santino]

If I was black, I'd use the N word. Nonsense. It'd be like a problem.

[Alex McMullen]

I know.

[Andrew Santino]

I like it. I've said this to Alex. I'm like an N word sommelier. Like, I know a good. Once a black person says the N word really well. I'm like, that was.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Al's not that good at it. Be honest with you. This is fine.

[Alex McMullen]

Not around non.

[Andrew Santino]

He's like. He's got like a white zinfandel. N word. Like, it's Fine, dude.

[Alex McMullen]

Generic.

[Jordan Jensen]

I did have a really good one the other day. Alone in the car.

[Alex McMullen]

Like, what's, like, a person or just the word?

[Jordan Jensen]

I'll tell you.

[Alex McMullen]

I'm asking. I'm trying to clarify. I'm trying to make sure she's not getting in trouble again, I'm asking.

[Jordan Jensen]

Jesus Christ.

[Alex McMullen]

I need to know.

[Jordan Jensen]

What was it?

[Alex McMullen]

It was. Wait, what?

[Jordan Jensen]

I need a word to say. That sounds like chicken. No, no, no.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't know why they came in my mind.

[Jordan Jensen]

Chicken's good. Okay.

[Alex McMullen]

Is it?

[Jordan Jensen]

Basically, this guy was pumping my chicken. Let's not do chicken.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm saving you right now. Let's not do chicken. Let's do ninja.

[Alex McMullen]

Ninja.

[Jordan Jensen]

Ninja is great.

[Andrew Santino]

No, no, no. T shirt. Let's do T shirt.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, ninja's great. Because it needs to sound right. Anyway, basically, this guy was pumping my gas, and he was this little tiny Mexican guy, and he got done, and he stuck his head in the window and he went. He went, you know, thank you. And then he went, oh, no. He goes, thank you. And I rolled up the window and I went, ninja says thank you. I will say that my friend was in the car, and we probably laughed for, like, a good hour. Ninja said, thank you. Sometimes you have to. When you're in a vacuum. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

All right.

[Alex McMullen]

No malice, no victim.

[Jordan Jensen]

Soft a. When I'm alone with my dog. Soft A. Alone.

[Alex McMullen]

Do your thing.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay, great.

[Alex McMullen]

Do you think.

[Jordan Jensen]

Because sometimes, you know, when she's being good, she's my little ninja.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know, do you think when you're low, do you think. Right.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Because you got it. There has to be some. We can't just be like. That's deleted from your vocabulary. That doesn't work. That's like. When you're like. Like. It's too intrusive thought.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. You know, it has to be somehow. It's.

[Alex McMullen]

If you like rap music, I know you sing along to the lyrics. I know he sings along to it. I know Mouse loves to sing along to it. This guy.

[Andrew Santino]

I actually don't. But I had a black guy tell me when I was 14, friend of mine, he's like, don't ever do that. You can't mute your thoughts. Yeah, I thought. I think it, but yeah, but, yeah. Who doesn't think it? They listen to a song if you.

[Ad Reader]

Don'T know the lyrics.

[Andrew Santino]

You're a white boy. I mean, that's some white.

[Alex McMullen]

Tonight.

[Jordan Jensen]

You're gonna pause on it when you're alone.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

No.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, right?

[Jordan Jensen]

That's almost more racist.

[Andrew Santino]

I'M fine.

[Jordan Jensen]

We're not gonna say that word.

[Guest Woman]

I'm fine.

[Andrew Santino]

Being racist. That's. I'm okay with that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. The Generational triumph tour of 2026. We are in theaters. This is crazy. First of all, before I get to that 2025, we got shows you need to buy tickets for because they're already selling out. We got San Jose. We've already sold out two shows. October 20th, 4th, 25th, something like that. Look at the website. That shit is selling out. Cobbs Theater in San Francisco. Tickets are already selling out in late November. We got the Comedy connection in Providence, Rhode island, this week, October 16th, that's about to sell out. So buy your tickets for this year. But Generational Triumph Tour, first of all, Canada, thank you so much. We sold out three shows already in the first day. In Toronto, that's 3300 tickets. Vancouver, we sold 1500 tickets in the first day. I just expected more love. I'm not even calling out every American city. Dallas, my hometown, Step it the fuck up. We're gonna sell it out. But I was trying to do two, three, four shows because it's Dallas. It's where I love. They're gonna sell out one, maybe two. What is that step? Put your foot on the fucking gas. Dallas, I know there's a lot of Indians and we wait to do everything. That's not academic. But buy your fucking tickets for the Generational Triumph tour every other city. I'm very happy with you guys. Dallas. I'm deeply disappointed in Dallas. That was a nice sentence. 3Ds right there. Anyway, go to akashing.com for all of those dates. I'm coming to a city near you. Best show I've ever done. I'm very excited. Thank you to everybody who has bought tickets. If you want tickets, you're on the fence. I promise this will be the best, one of the best shows you've ever gone to. That's the goal. I love you guys. Thank y'.

[Jordan Jensen]

All.

[Andrew Santino]

Mark Gagnon got shows, too. If you can't go to my show, go to Mark's show. If you go to either show, go to my shows. But I don't think we're gonna be in the same city anyway. Anytime. Cause Mark is in Nashville, Tennessee. October 23rd. Mobile, Alabama. Roll Tide. Oct.24th. October 25th. New Orleans, Louisiana. Listen, I told Mark that New Orleans is an incredible city, but a dog shit comedy scene. Prove me wrong. Go to the shows. Everybody says it sucks. Prove us wrong. November 9th. Denver, Colorado. Y' all are the Best comedy city in the country. I'm not even trying to hate. Go to that show. November 16th, Hoboken, New Jersey. November 23rd, Philly. December 5th, Fort Wayne, Indiana. December 6th, Detroit, Michigan. Markagnon live.com. go see the boy. He's blossoming. Is beautiful. We love him. We love y'. All. God bless.

[Jordan Jensen]

How do you feel about the TR R A N, N, Y word being as bad as the N word now?

[Alex McMullen]

It's not as bad as the N word.

[Jordan Jensen]

You're not saying it.

[Guest Woman]

Interesting.

[Jordan Jensen]

Didn't you. Didn't. Wasn't it good that black people had the only word that had been completely deleted from the vocabulary?

[Andrew Santino]

The least we could do for them.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, but I feel.

[Jordan Jensen]

Least we can do. Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

I feel like Trump kind of brought back the TR word, and.

[Andrew Santino]

No, apparently not. I think there's, like. I think.

[Alex McMullen]

I think those are back.

[Andrew Santino]

I think the far left is trying to fight for it again. To, like. Because they feel like. Like it's, you know, they need to fight for something.

[Jordan Jensen]

No.

[Andrew Santino]

So, no, you can't.

[Jordan Jensen]

The TRA are not good. As bad now as the N word.

[Alex McMullen]

I ain't get the memo updates either.

[Jordan Jensen]

And then Twitter told me a lot.

[Andrew Santino]

Let me tell you something. We say whatever. Say it. We don't care.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm not saying it again.

[Andrew Santino]

There's one word that we don't collect.

[Alex McMullen]

This guy self mutes himself while he's alone, and he's telling you to say it.

[Andrew Santino]

I'd say tranny.

[Alex McMullen]

Whoa. I'm offended, bro.

[Guest Woman]

Akash is canceled.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You're gonna get dragged, dude.

[Andrew Santino]

Y' all weren't ever subscribed to me in the first place.

[Jordan Jensen]

Wait, wouldn't you say something kind of derogatory about them? Huh?

[Alex McMullen]

Okay. Yeah, Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I just want to be. You know, I want to. I want to be on this. I want to be even me. And you say something derogatory. I just said that when I think of that word, I think of drag queens. And then people thought that I was basically saying that trans people are in drag. Please don't clip that part off.

[Alex McMullen]

God, no.

[Andrew Santino]

Dude, I got you. I got your back. Explain it. We got you.

[Jordan Jensen]

I said that. That word is so antiquated that when people say it, I think of drag queens. Right? Because it's like, such a 1970s terminology, and then they clipped it.

[Andrew Santino]

They're making fun of people who use the word.

[Jordan Jensen]

Right?

[Andrew Santino]

Like, actually on the right side here.

[Jordan Jensen]

Goofy.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's a corny. Yeah. The Internet. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

It's just every human being is on There. Not every human being is intelligent. Yeah, it's tough to remember that. But that's the thing, the best one.

[Jordan Jensen]

Cause when I don't, as a woman, when you're looking through hate, when you're getting attacked, you know, because they're like, stupid, ugly, dumb, not funny, blah, blah. And you're reading all these things, you're just looking for the word fat. And one of my best friends sends me a snippet that's like, I think you would like to see this. Because it's me and Stavros. And it goes, this is just a fat retard talking to a skinny retard. And I was like, oh, my God. I was like, I'm setting this as my background. That's all you're looking for. You're just like, please don't call me fat. Please don't call me fat.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

100 crazy, right?

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We've been through that. We did an episode in Akash.

[Andrew Santino]

God, they call me fat for no reason. It was so funny. Not much. I remember being. I remember waking up being like, why my face looks so puffy?

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know what that is.

[Andrew Santino]

And then I was like, I must be in my head. This is not real. And then I did the episode, go home. Three days later, it comes out. Everybody's like, what the fuck happened to this guy?

[Jordan Jensen]

What did happen?

[Andrew Santino]

I don't know.

[Jordan Jensen]

Somehow.

[Andrew Santino]

It's just. I. Maybe I ate some salt.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

MSG food or something. Who knows?

[Alex McMullen]

I was. The best comment was he was on his period. Did Akash eat Andrew?

[Andrew Santino]

Someone was like, yo. The worst one was. Somebody's like, I don't know why you guys are being so hard on him.

[Jordan Jensen]

So what?

[Andrew Santino]

He gained a little weight. And I was like, that one hurts. That's the worst one.

[Alex McMullen]

Because they're defending you and they agree that is worse.

[Jordan Jensen]

Totally brutal. I'm skimming the whole time for it every time. If I don't get it, I'm like, this is so nice. Nice. This is. I'm. I'm. I'm going places. It's really, really good.

[Andrew Santino]

It is funny. I had. I didn't realize how much worse the hate comments were for women until my wife got on TikTok. And it's just crazy, the shit people are saying. Oh, yeah, it's unhinged.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I thought it was unhinged for everybody. And it was like, nah, that's real.

[Jordan Jensen]

And you get this switch. You get them doing all these hate comments. And then I've had ones where people saying so such inflammatory to me. So I DM them and I'm like, hey, what's. What did I do to like make you despise me? And then they're like, I want to have sex with you.

[Alex McMullen]

I want to.

[Andrew Santino]

Really?

[Jordan Jensen]

Whoa, I'm not doing that. And they whore fat. Wait, what?

[Andrew Santino]

Skinny, please.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy. Oh, wow.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, it probably is just all rooted in that just being like, I want you. And then they just are so mean.

[Jordan Jensen]

Dude, everybody online does this thing if they are attracted to me, where they'll be like, for some up reason I can't figure out why I am attracted to. It's like unbelievable how often that happens. Or they'll be like, dude, I was hitting the head when I was 8 and for some reason I want to fuck Jordan. I'm like, what is going on? It's unbelievable.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh my God. So funny.

[Jordan Jensen]

I saw one guy, bro, this was the most painful one. He was like, I know that. I know that you do this whole thing where you try to look unattractive, but I know you're secretly an attractive person. And I was like, I put makeup on every day.

[Alex McMullen]

I'm trying my absolute hardest so hard.

[Jordan Jensen]

All right.

[Andrew Santino]

I didn't get your picture of your hot dad.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't know if you sent it, but I'm put my phone back.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I need to find the hot dad.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, you want it on my phone?

[Alex McMullen]

You background.

[Jordan Jensen]

Can I search my phone?

[Andrew Santino]

I would never replace Happy. That goes in the secret files. Put it on my Google Chrome. Private.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh my God. I found a hot one.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, yeah, this is his carpenter days.

[Jordan Jensen]

Carpenter days.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, yeah. Wait, how long is he hotter personally?

[Jordan Jensen]

He was a horse. He just like broke thoroughbreds. We had no money, so he let. Yeah, yeah, you mean so he let people just board the. God damn it. So he let people board the horses at the our house and then he would break them by just, you know.

[Alex McMullen]

Did you ever ride horses?

[Andrew Santino]

Showing them his.

[Jordan Jensen]

I rode west little horse.

[Alex McMullen]

They.

[Jordan Jensen]

Were you.

[Alex McMullen]

Were you. How long did you ride horses for?

[Jordan Jensen]

We had to sell my horse probably till I was 12.

[Alex McMullen]

Damn. Would you consider yourself a horse girl?

[Jordan Jensen]

I was a horse girl recently I got on a horse, but Ian was on another horse and I was really scared to be on the horse cuz his horse was behind my horse. And Ian's mentally challenged and I was really worried that the horse was gonna. So I was like, maybe I'm not a horse girl, but I might be a horse Girl, if Ian's not on a horse, behind my horse. But I got. Recently, I've been like, I'm a little. I'm a little afraid of. They're a little. I'm a little scared of them. They're huge. And I. Now I have so many. From being a kid, I was like, this is so fun. But as an adult, I'm like, now. I know so many stories of people just falling off and being paralyzed forever and then just getting trampled by a massive cow, you know?

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's really sad.

[Andrew Santino]

First time I went on a horse.

[Alex McMullen]

I made that mistake. I was like, oh, I see it in all the movies. So I just go, yeah.

[Ad Reader]

And the shit jumps.

[Guest Woman]

I mean, what?

[Ad Reader]

I didn't think.

[Alex McMullen]

I thought it was a trained horse, and it wouldn't. It is trained. That's why it ran. Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

[Andrew Santino]

That's actually the best counterpoint I've heard in weeks.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. I just said I did the stupidest thing.

[Ad Reader]

I acknowledge that.

[Alex McMullen]

But, yeah, that was. I almost done.

[Jordan Jensen]

Did you fall off?

[Alex McMullen]

No, no, no.

[Jordan Jensen]

I stayed up.

[Andrew Santino]

Miles, you in this group?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Also Hot Jack Jensen.

[Jordan Jensen]

They'll just run into tree. They don't care about human beings. They'll just run into trees to get you off their back. They'll buck off. It's like. It sucks, but. It is. Is. But I would consider myself a horse girl in the sense that when I'm around horses, I do the whole, like, we have a spiritual connection talking to this horse. Which makes you a horse girl. Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Do you know the horse girl stereotype? Yeah, I don't. Oh, this is a thing. Oh, I love educating y' all about this.

[Andrew Santino]

I love learning about subsections of white women.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. I only know there's evil. So many. Yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. There's a ton. And the horse girl is one of the more interesting ones. I knew many horse girls growing up. Okay. And they always had sort of like a spiritual sexuality to. To them.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're literal. They're horses.

[Alex McMullen]

Wait, they dress like them? No, no, no, no. This is a fetish. A horse girl, like, stereotypically, I've found to be very sexual.

[Jordan Jensen]

They're so sexual. Breaks young. Is that why Hyman snaps in half on the horse when they're 10 years old? And they bounce, right. And then they. They get a little.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't know if this is real.

[Jordan Jensen]

It is real.

[Alex McMullen]

It is.

[Jordan Jensen]

They get a little tattoo of their horse, like, that says, like, dynamo on a tramp stamp. Right, right. And then they. Everybody. There's something about them getting their vagina slammed over and over by the saddle that makes them very horny. And they're mean. They bully each other.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, yeah. And they're like. They almost have like a masculine nature to them.

[Andrew Santino]

Like it started off as a kind of a hot thing and then it just got worse and worse.

[Alex McMullen]

It's kind of like there, it's. It just feels aggressive.

[Jordan Jensen]

There's a little bit of Christianity.

[Guest Woman]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

So, yeah, I think they're soakers. I think they're letting the dick in but not having it go. But you know, like that. Yeah. And I think if you grew up with horses, you're either super rich and we don't know about, but there's also a trashy group. You know what I mean? And I think the trashy group has God and sex.

[Andrew Santino]

You said you're a horse girl.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I would consider myself.

[Andrew Santino]

How much do you trashy?

[Alex McMullen]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

No religion, though. So just whore.

[Alex McMullen]

Just horror through and through.

[Jordan Jensen]

Not no soaking, fucking at 14, you know, I mean, just be like, in there. Get the fuck in there. There's no hymen. The way is cleared.

[Andrew Santino]

And you said you're so. The ocd. You have ocd?

[Jordan Jensen]

I have crippling ocd. I mean, I've. I've dealt with it through a lot of acid, but.

[Andrew Santino]

But, oh, that helps because my wife has OCD as well. I think it manifests differently than yours. Probably just like the thought, repetitive thoughts.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like, intrusive.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I think. And then intrusive thoughts like, what if this person, this, that I love dies? What if I can't? What if I think about them more and that's what's going to make them die, etc. Etc. Like. Like that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah, That's a rough one.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, it's rough.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's straight up ocd. I have that. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's bonafide.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Does she have gruesome thoughts? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Gruesome thoughts. Can't stop it. And then she's like. She's like, oh, I don't have it about you for some reason, but I have it about, like, other people I love. And I'm like, well, that's weird now.

[Alex McMullen]

I feel like, come on.

[Ad Reader]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Why are you leaving me out of this?

[Alex McMullen]

Think about me getting stabbed.

[Jordan Jensen]

She doesn't have any gruesome thoughts about you?

[Andrew Santino]

No.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, she does not love you, sir. That's really all my gruesome thoughts are about. Maybe she. Are you the more are you more in on the relationship than she is?

[Andrew Santino]

What do you mean? Am I more in love with her?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

No, I don't think so.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay, so then that's what it is. Cuz I have that with. With guys that are a little bit out on me. I'll be like, I don't. I don't have to. If you die, then maybe my life will be better, kind of, you know what I mean? Like a little bit. Maybe I'll be free. But I have it with people that like, depend on me. I'm like, what if I slice their throat because they depend on me and they need me and they love me.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, she depends on me more than I depend on. If that.

[Jordan Jensen]

I think that's what I mean.

[Andrew Santino]

I think we probably. I. I might love her more, but she definitely misses me more. Like when I'm on the road, she's like, I miss you and I' I would. She's like, do you miss me? And I'm like, I would love if you gave me the chance to do that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Yeah, totally. That's what we do is we miss. You know, we're lying. Do you know that we don't miss you? We say, oh, yeah, we're not. We don't.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, this makes me feel much less. Oh, I love that. I love that.

[Jordan Jensen]

When we say I miss you, all that means is I want you to tell me that you miss me. We do not miss you. We just want validation.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, it's such a relief.

[Ad Reader]

Fascinating.

[Jordan Jensen]

Wait a minute.

[Alex McMullen]

Wait, you're coasting.

[Guest Woman]

Cosmos on it. 100.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's actually, actually so disturbing that you guys will. That you think we can go 24 hours and then miss you. We literally want to be like, are you somebody right now? Please tell me that you miss me. That's all we're asking. Are you cheating on me? And can you give me validation so that I know that you're not? Oh, we don't miss you. Why would we miss you? We have. We're busy. We have our whole lives. If you don't miss us, we don't miss you. There is like a connection between couples. I believe this very strongly. I believe.

[Alex McMullen]

A little more emo and shit, huh?

[Andrew Santino]

You're a little more emo.

[Alex McMullen]

So I would think, you know, we.

[Jordan Jensen]

Just are worried that you're. We're just. We just are more.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't think my wife has that fear with me. I've said this before. I would never cheat on you because I love you. And also, my dick game is trash. And it Would embarrass both of us.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, but just because you say that the road is a scary place. We have to get some. We have to get the letter home.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I get it. But like there's not that many Miami's Fort Lauderdales. It's more like you, you know, Lincoln, Nebraska or whatever.

[Jordan Jensen]

Dude, these women will blow anybody. No offense. They are scary dudes. I would love host opening for me bombing every show. And he's like, I just got head.

[Alex McMullen]

In the bathroom for one of your fans.

[Jordan Jensen]

What is going on?

[Andrew Santino]

It makes me respect women less. So you'll the guy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Dude, I don't respect women at all. It's a huge problem. It's a huge issue also the way women come after me a show. A guy will come up to me and be like, do you want to? And I'm like, no. And they're like, great. A woman will come up to me and try and climb into my skin sack and. And get on me like Yoda and be like, we're gonna go home together. And they can't go for an answer. It drives me crazy.

[Guest Woman]

That was my plan for after this pod.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, See, she was gonna me.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, she was. She's a huge fan and it felt a little sexual.

[Jordan Jensen]

Do you have a boyfriend?

[Guest Woman]

I have a few, but she's gay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, you're gay? In a way. You're bisexual?

[Guest Woman]

No.

[Andrew Santino]

I could tell you're gay by the way you refuse to put that microphone close to your fucking mouth.

[Jordan Jensen]

Out.

[Guest Woman]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

What kind? You know, just like poly. Give me a godamn label so that I can diagnose.

[Guest Woman]

No, I don't like the label. That's the. I'm just.

[Alex McMullen]

How old is.

[Andrew Santino]

That's the label?

[Guest Woman]

25.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, you're 25? Go yourself. You don't know anything. You're 25 years old.

[Guest Woman]

But our. Another one of our younger friends of the show, he recently was bragging to us that he was like, oh, I just. I did something awesome. High five in a million angels. I ate this girl out while she had a yeast infection. And he wanted us all to like congratulate him. And I just wanted to get your reaction.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's very dangerous for. For his. He can get yeast infection in his mouth.

[Alex McMullen]

Is that true?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes. Really?

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Babies get yeast infection in their mouths from breastfeeding. Yeast infection. Yeah, totally. That's disgusting.

[Guest Woman]

I was thinking death penalty, but I just wanted to.

[Andrew Santino]

Disgusting behavior.

[Jordan Jensen]

That man needs to be. Yeah. Taken out.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

That woman needs to be taken out for allowing that. We all know you do the forehead pound, if there's any. You go, no, you go, no, smack.

[Alex McMullen]

Them on the head.

[Jordan Jensen]

You hit them right on the forehead. Or a newspaper.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Or you play. You do the pick me thing where you go, I'm not really that into that. I just like penetrative sex. You know what I mean? Or you do something like that. You lost that. No, that's what you do if you have a yeast infection. You lie. You go, I'm not really into you guys.

[Guest Woman]

Just to get the itch from the inside.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, I see.

[Guest Woman]

No, I. I've heard it said. It feels actually good.

[Jordan Jensen]

You don't think penetrative sex on a yeast infection? No, totally fine. I have a whole bit about that in the special where they're like this. You're so tight. And you go, thanks. It's inflammation. No, you cram it in there, dude.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, it helps.

[Jordan Jensen]

Cram it in there. I stopped getting yeast infections because I stopped eating sugar.

[Andrew Santino]

I heard you talking about that, and so it's working out.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's amazing.

[Guest Woman]

Wait, so my vagina feels normal? Sugar, no sugar fixed these infections? You said acid fixed. Ocd.

[Andrew Santino]

Ocd.

[Guest Woman]

You should write, like, a handbook on. On.

[Jordan Jensen]

But the acid is risky because I also almost killed myself. You know what I mean? I was a. It was a hero dose. And I went into a room and was like, I'm going. I thought that I had to die that day for some reason. Like my. Because I was on the COVID of some newspaper for building a house in Ecuador. So I was like, oh, I'm supposed to die today. But then I went into the room and I dealt with OCD for six hours. So it is.

[Andrew Santino]

Dan, were you actually on the COVID of a newspaper?

[Jordan Jensen]

It was just like, I built a house in Ecuador when I was, like, in high school. And it's a good journal. Put it up on the. You know what I mean? Like. But I saw it and I was like, oh, I'm supposed to die today.

[Alex McMullen]

What was that an OCD thought or was that an acid thought?

[Jordan Jensen]

Acid thought.

[Andrew Santino]

That sounds like an acid thought.

[Jordan Jensen]

Big time acid thought. But then I went into a room and I dealt with my ocd and I figured out that I was like. Because anytime somebody be like, do you want to babysit this kid? And I'd be like, yeah, what if I accidentally. Your kid, though? I'd be driving a car. I'd be like, I'm gonna drive this off the bridge. Right? Just these gruesome thoughts. And then I figured out it's fundamentally because I didn't trust myself at all as a person. And I was like, every step of the way. I could become Jordan the serial killer. Jordan the kid.

[Andrew Santino]

You know, I have a. We had a balcony in Miami. Anytime I'd hold my little dog on the balcony, I'd be like, what if I threw this?

[Alex McMullen]

Like, what?

[Jordan Jensen]

Would you panic a little?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, yeah. And I had to put him down.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I couldn't handle it. Would keep going. I'd be like. And then I guess, yeah, I probably don't trust my.

[Jordan Jensen]

Myself. So then. So. And I realized on acid that you don't have to trust yourself. You're just a compilation of everything that has ever happened to you. And who you have become is somebody who doesn't throw a dog off the balcony so you can just chill.

[Andrew Santino]

That's fire. You know what I mean? I like that.

[Jordan Jensen]

You don't have to be like, what if I stab this person? You're like, if I probably. If the knife got close to them, I would faint because I'd be like. You know what I mean? Like, you don't.

[Andrew Santino]

Vaso vagal or whatever.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. I got that bad.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I feel like a damn goat.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes.

[Alex McMullen]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's my special tomb. It's up. Well, but that's what I realized on acid, you can just chill. You know what I mean? Like, you know, before you go on stage, you're like, what if I bomb? You're like, I'm. Everything leading up to now has led me not to bomb. Right? Like, I have a compilation of Jordan times going on stage. I probably won't bomb. And if I do, it'll be an out.

[Andrew Santino]

You'll be fine.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, totally. Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. Ever since having a kid, I've had those bad.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, dude, I. That's. Would I be really scared about having a kid? I'd be scared about having a pregnant belly and just.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my God. It's right there.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh.

[Jordan Jensen]

When my friends have a pregnant belly, I'm like, I can't stand near you. I'll do a clean uppercut. I think about the uppercut all the time, but sometimes I do.

[Alex McMullen]

Mike Tyson's punch out.

[Jordan Jensen]

Dude, I uppercut a fucking guy's mirror the other day. He was like. We were all crossing in Manhattan. Like a big crew, you know, in Manhattan where you just go, fuck it. We're all going, yeah. Like, I know they have a green light, but fuck them. There's too many of us. And we were all crossing, and this guy just kept rolling forward until he kind of like, hit his car against me lightly and was just pushing. So I walked around the side of his window and I looked at him and I was like, what the fuck? And he was like, fuck you. So then I uppercut his side mirror and I was so ready for it to, like, shatter and be like a Spider man thing and have, like a bloody hand that I then go like this, right? I was, like, ready for it. But then the mirror just went eee.

[Alex McMullen]

And I was like, oh, you got one of those.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's good. That's good. It's good for New York to be able to fold your mirror then.

[Andrew Santino]

Any car post 1992.

[Alex McMullen]

I know. Oh, my God. So it was hammered down.

[Andrew Santino]

Hammered down.

[Jordan Jensen]

But then it was too late.

[Andrew Santino]

What'd he say? Did he just kind of look at you?

[Jordan Jensen]

He was laughing. He left.

[Andrew Santino]

Did it break the tension in a weird way?

[Jordan Jensen]

No, because I was still so mad. But then I. I kept walking. I got embarrassed and I sat down to breathe and this old couple were like, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, that was so embarrassing. I shouldn't have done that. And they're like, no, we're on your side. And they're like 100 years old.

[Alex McMullen]

And I was like, dang.

[Jordan Jensen]

I get in so many altercations. It's so bad. I have to deal with my race rage.

[Alex McMullen]

Wait, really? Like what?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my gosh.

[Andrew Santino]

I want to know this.

[Alex McMullen]

Like, road rage or just rage rage?

[Jordan Jensen]

So much road rage. I just went to la. I had a lot of road rage because they have road rage worse than us. They. They lay on the horn and it's these white girls with Stanley cups. And you're like. In New York, we have a conversation with horns. If you lay on your horn, you might get shot.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know what I mean? Like, I've laid on my horn and gotten a loogie spit on me. And you learn and then you go, right, exactly. But in la, they just. And I was driving stimulus sick. And I was like, bro, I have to put it in the first. You have to give me two seconds. So I would just sit at the red light. I would just sit there and wait for it to turn red again and go through the green with them. Just. Wow. I tried to. I asked, you gotta chill out. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. I tried to get a guy to fight me outside because he was talking some.

[Alex McMullen]

Wait, how did that happen?

[Jordan Jensen]

We were. Me and my. My friend were at some.

[Andrew Santino]

You see how people think you're a lesbian, right? That's how you Talk these through.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know.

[Andrew Santino]

As you're like, I tried to. I tried to get a guy to fight me.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know.

[Andrew Santino]

I uppercutted his side view mirror.

[Jordan Jensen]

I want to fight all the time. It's really true. I forget what this guy was saying. He was mad at me because my dog was in a place it wasn't supposed to be. And he was like. He mumbled something. He was like drinking this beer and he mumbled like, stupid or something like that. And I was like, what did you just say? And he was like, what?

[Alex McMullen]

What?

[Jordan Jensen]

And he was all drunk.

[Alex McMullen]

He's like, what?

[Jordan Jensen]

What? And I get mad when people do the mocking thing where they're like. And I was like, we need to go now. And he's like, I'm not going outside. I was like, we need to go outside. And my friend was like, jordan, what are you going to do? What? This man is huge. I'm going to have to fight him. I'm five foot four. Like, what are we. What are we doing here? But yeah, I do trend. Or a guy at the airport, I slammed him with my luggage and then I. Because he hit my dog. It's a lot about my dog.

[Andrew Santino]

No, no dog. Yo, fuck that guy, your dog.

[Jordan Jensen]

He was like trying to go around me and he was doing that thing, you know when people think they're the protagonist in their movie.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

And he was in a hurry, hurry. And he was being like, everybody out of my way. I'm in a hurry, right? And he goes, excuse me. And I was like, this guy, he can go around me. This is crazy. There's so much room. So he goes. I said, excuse me. And he hits coyote with his luggage. So then I chased after him and I was slamming him with my luggage, calling him a sociopath. And then I said to everybody, I was like, this guy's a sociopath. I was like, you know what sociopaths do? They kids. And he looked at me like, don't do this. And I went, hey, everybody. This guy, the moment of him looking in my face and being like, why are you doing this?

[Alex McMullen]

I don't know.

[Jordan Jensen]

It was crazy. His cab driver getting out of the cab because he was trying to get in the cab while I was slamming him, his cab driver had to come out, grab me and be like, stop. And I was like, okay, you need to stop this. And I was like, this guy fucks. I was so mad. I was so mad. I get so mad. It's crazy.

[Andrew Santino]

Apologetic that he hit the dog. No, no, that guy should be shot in the head.

[Jordan Jensen]

I Know. Yeah. I'm like, just run into my body. It's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you just. And your dog is little.

[Andrew Santino]

He's how many pounds?

[Jordan Jensen]

18.

[Andrew Santino]

Ain't that big.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's tiny.

[Andrew Santino]

Mine is eight, so it's like 18. Yeah. Mine's a little. Little, like, wow.

[Alex McMullen]

Your dog's almost too small to be, like, on the ground, Doug.

[Andrew Santino]

He almost gets stepped on and he wants to walk in all the most crowded. Like, he'll walk to Radio City in Christmas time. It's crazy. He loves all the smell, I guess.

[Jordan Jensen]

Wow.

[Andrew Santino]

He almost got. He got stepped on once. I think, like, some people were just walking, didn't see him.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

So now we just had to pick him up in a crowd. Can't. He wants.

[Jordan Jensen]

Is he a bag dog?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Nice. I want to. Coyote's not a bag dog, dude. Too heavy. She give me a back to back dog. I might get a backpack for backpack. I saw a dog in a backpack the other day with little sunglasses on.

[Andrew Santino]

What are we doing?

[Alex McMullen]

That was good.

[Jordan Jensen]

Why do they wear sun? Why do they do that?

[Andrew Santino]

Because it's adorable.

[Jordan Jensen]

They don't need sunglasses.

[Alex McMullen]

I saw a dog on a bike with a helmet and I was like, I don't think the dog. You worried about your dog getting a concussion?

[Jordan Jensen]

That's all. That's awesome. That animal chiropractor guy pisses me off. I'm like, all dogs do is stretch and sit correctly all day.

[Andrew Santino]

That sounds. I don't even know what that is.

[Jordan Jensen]

But that guy sounds awesome.

[Andrew Santino]

Jamie, pull it up.

[Jordan Jensen]

I mean, I watch him a lot. I'll say it. It is very satisfying.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't believe in human chiropractors.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I think that is. What do you call the balderdash?

[Jordan Jensen]

It's quackery.

[Alex McMullen]

It's quackery.

[Jordan Jensen]

High quacker steak oil.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. It keeps you coming back. Yeah. I went to a chiropractor for a while and it did nothing.

[Andrew Santino]

I know person who felt better long term from a ch.

[Jordan Jensen]

Chiropractor.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. Maybe it helps some people not. Not me. The guy didn't even really crack my neck. I wanted to, like, get like an elbow in there, like, come off the turnbuckle. But instead he just, like, had like, a little gun thing that went like. And, like, clicked it.

[Jordan Jensen]

See, that's because that's giving you the simulated crack that you want without actually cracking. That's up. Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

At least do a something right.

[Jordan Jensen]

And dog cracker is so hot, though.

[Andrew Santino]

The guy's got.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

The guys with towels that are like, cracking your neck.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's.

[Alex McMullen]

You're gonna.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's the towel thing where they yank.

[Andrew Santino]

You're gonna kill some.

[Jordan Jensen]

That looks good.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, there's a kid that got paralyzed from going to a chiropractor. He sued the guy.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, I. I saw the story on Tik Tok.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. Which, I mean, I'm also.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, my God.

[Jordan Jensen]

I always. I do like that. The dog's face. I know. What if you just had a limp dog, Dude? Not the Chihuahua. Not the Chihuahua.

[Alex McMullen]

I just want to see one where he just pulls the head off and.

[Jordan Jensen]

He'S like, oh.

[Alex McMullen]

There'S a guy that does this with horses, too.

[Jordan Jensen]

Horse. Chiropractor. It's him.

[Guest Woman]

Jordan's dad.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's my dad. This guy does it on everything. He does it on snakes. Snakes. Giant anaconda. Is. I'm like, no way. Is a snake. Yeah. Having bad, you know, arch support. Yeah. It doesn't happen.

[Andrew Santino]

Also, who cares?

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't like when an animal can't be like, hey, please. I'm not really into this.

[Ad Reader]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. I don't like that.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't like when people blow weed on their dog's face. I don't like any of that. Yeah. You know?

[Ad Reader]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

I hated that in college. I would drive me.

[Jordan Jensen]

Wasn't that the worst? And then, dude, my dog got so high in Colorado because she ate a roach. And I had to watch her go through. Through all. Like, at first, her. Her ears were back, and she just, like, couldn't even look at me. Like, I was freaking. My face would freaking out. And then I watched her be like, actually. Actually, I'm fine. And she would get up, and then I would be like, all right. And she'd be like, throw the ball, please. And I threw the ball, and it would hit, like, it accidentally hit, like, a little piece of metal and made a noise, and she was just like. And ran away for, like, an hour. Like, I'm not good. I'm not good.

[Alex McMullen]

Do you feel like your dog knows when you're high?

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't get high. Oh, really?

[Ad Reader]

Really?

[Alex McMullen]

You don't. You don't smoke at all?

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't smoke. I don't drink. What did I do the other day, though? Poppers.

[Guest Woman]

Nice.

[Jordan Jensen]

Have you done poppers? Those are great, right? It is. A gay man gave it to me, but we were at a wedding, and I was just being such a. What does it do? It makes you on. So I feel like whippets make you like this, where you're like. You're like, that. But poppers make you a little bit on Molly for a second.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like it was dan fancy. Okay.

[Alex McMullen]

Sniff it out of a jar. Yeah, it seems wild.

[Jordan Jensen]

But then I dropped the cap and I got lost. You know what I mean? I was lost and then my friend was like, you can't be this person. And I was like, I couldn't get. The grass was crazy.

[Alex McMullen]

But I guess if gay dudes do it, it's probably good. Like I trust any gay drum.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, it. Your brain really.

[Guest Woman]

I think it also opens your.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, it loosens your muscles. I just look at it.

[Andrew Santino]

That's what I thought.

[Guest Woman]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Some gay.

[Alex McMullen]

Hey, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Maybe that's why it makes you dancy. Cuz you're like.

[Alex McMullen]

With it.

[Jordan Jensen]

I did do poppers, then remembered that I had a dog and started to panic a little bit. You ever do drugs and you remember that you're responsible.

[Andrew Santino]

Did you take care of something?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Do you do that with your child?

[Alex McMullen]

But do you smoke weed? No. These guys have been trying to get me to do drugs non stop and I'm like, I.

[Jordan Jensen]

You never smoke weed.

[Alex McMullen]

I did. I like smoked weed casually for a little bit. Then I got too paranoid so I had to stop.

[Jordan Jensen]

I saw what kind of paranoid? What read heart gonna stop. Death.

[Alex McMullen]

No. Thinking about planets and then realizing the world monkeys and that I'm a monkey and everyone's.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's a good thought.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. But it's just weird.

[Andrew Santino]

That's crazy thing to say. That's crazy to say out right next to you. That felt racist.

[Alex McMullen]

Wait, why?

[Andrew Santino]

That felt racist.

[Alex McMullen]

Making it.

[Andrew Santino]

That felt racist.

[Alex McMullen]

Explain it. I didn't get it.

[Andrew Santino]

You knew what you were doing.

[Alex McMullen]

You knew what you were doing. But like I was just laying there so high. My wife was like, no, you're fine. And I was looking at her, she.

[Jordan Jensen]

Was like freaking out.

[Alex McMullen]

Cuz I was just thinking about planets and. And I was just like why are there even other planets? This is.

[Guest Woman]

It's best not to think about space.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. And I was watching. You did the same thing.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. It's best not to think about space.

[Guest Woman]

When you're on drugs.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Guest Woman]

It's just not for the. Not for you.

[Jordan Jensen]

Then I don't think about that at all. I think about what if I bit through my tongue right now and then I think what if I took my eyelid and just dug my hand in there? Look at me. Dug my hand in there, grabbed the eyeball, tore it out and then when it was just the cord went. Yeah. That's what I think about high and people are like, you want to smoke my. I'm like, no, I'd like to keep my skin. Thank you. Yeah.

[Ad Reader]

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[Alex McMullen]

Used to.

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[Guest Woman]

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[Jordan Jensen]

Planets would be amazing if I thought.

[Alex McMullen]

About that until you're like, dude, why is it even there? Or, what planet are we on? Like, what if we just get exploded? Like, we could just eviscerate any second to get exploded, like it's something. And then I was like, we're not even on this planet. Like, as humans, we're actually just like. Like, like my wife's, like, petting my head. I'm like, oh, you're just like the nature show. This is literally just. You're like, isn't that refreshing?

[Jordan Jensen]

This is from weed.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

You're such a. What a. This guy is.

[Jordan Jensen]

What kind of. How'd you do it? Edible?

[Alex McMullen]

No, it wasn't even. It was just. It was just a joint. But my friend's weed can. My friend's weed is just too strong.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I know. I missed the dad weed. Did you remember I used to steal shake from my dad, and it was the best. How can we get that?

[Alex McMullen]

My buddy, my. I had a Jamaican friend. I was like, how do Jamaicans smoke all day? He was like, oh, the weed we smoke is shitty.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my God. I remember being in Jamaica, my dad buying so much weed and just rolling it up into a paper bag because it was so Shitty shake that he was like, I have to do this in order to get high. Yeah, that's what I want. We need to get Jamaican.

[Alex McMullen]

That's what I'm saying. And now they're selling it. Like, people are swung back. The pendulum's shit shifted, but now they sell like. Like, legit Reggie, Like.

[Andrew Santino]

Like they call it.

[Alex McMullen]

They call it Reggie, like. Yeah, this is not too strong. Oh, I could do that, right?

[Ad Reader]

I can't do the strong that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Let's do.

[Alex McMullen]

It's gotten too.

[Andrew Santino]

Can we get some right now?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Where do you get that?

[Guest Woman]

I would just go to the dispensary and get the good stuff.

[Alex McMullen]

No.

[Jordan Jensen]

You're a weed girl.

[Guest Woman]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really? Could you smoke weed before coming in here?

[Guest Woman]

I try not to because I laugh a lot and they can tell, but.

[Alex McMullen]

It'S more for sure.

[Jordan Jensen]

Are you dumb? Are you a dumb person?

[Guest Woman]

When I'm high?

[Jordan Jensen]

No. Like, always. I. Like, if we did, like. Like, honestly.

[Alex McMullen]

That's a good question.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like, if you can just get up on weed and just come in and talk to people, does that mean you're just stupid?

[Guest Woman]

Yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

Because you're not overthinking. Don't say chill. I'm being. I'm being scientific right now.

[Andrew Santino]

Sure.

[Guest Woman]

You dumb in here.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, dumb as is a scientific joke. Like, do you walk in here and you look at people and you're like, whoa, I'm high. And you don't have a fear of. Like, what if I just took the cables out, threw everything? What if they. What if my heart stops? And what if I too much?

[Andrew Santino]

Because you're intelligent. That's because you have ocd.

[Jordan Jensen]

All these things does not mean. But don't. When I dated a guy and he could get so high, and I was like, I think it's. I mean, he did also, like, take his shirt off to eat soup and stuff, so I think he might have.

[Alex McMullen]

That makes sense. That makes a lot of sense.

[Jordan Jensen]

Isn't that crazy?

[Alex McMullen]

This guy has been scorned.

[Jordan Jensen]

I remember coming in and he was wearing only his boxers. And I was like, where did your clothes go? And he was like, I'm eating red soup. And I was like, that's tomato soup. Call it tomato soup. But do you think. But he can get so high. One time I ate one of his 25 milligram edibles because I thought it was just candy. It was brutal.

[Andrew Santino]

That's 25. That's rough.

[Jordan Jensen]

25 is too much.

[Alex McMullen]

And what happened to you then?

[Jordan Jensen]

I had to. Well, honestly, I had to. I was so high that I Almost got stupid. Which was kind of nice. Yeah, it was like the runner's high.

[Guest Woman]

Like you gotta get to stupid town.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

So I walked through the park. I remember having a mental breakdown because I was sitting at a bench and then there was a homeless kid guy and he. I was like, I'm. This guy's house is here and I'm like visiting his house. You know what I mean? This is like his house. And I'm like sitting at it outside on his porch.

[Guest Woman]

Bottle of wine.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, it was very weird. And then I was all freaked out that that guy lived there and he had like a mattress. And I was like, I could easily become that guy, but my brain is still going there. But you're just like. You just walk in here.

[Guest Woman]

I guess I could become that guy and I wouldn't mind. It's like, that's a. That's a future project problem.

[Alex McMullen]

So she's dumb.

[Jordan Jensen]

What about if I say the word schizophrenia? If you're high?

[Guest Woman]

Yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

That freak you out? I think do anything for.

[Guest Woman]

I'm more up to with the voices. Like I'm just like, okay, yeah, they're telling me to do stuff.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, see, you're dumb as. Dude, I love you so much, but I think you might be dumb as if you're not worried at all about. If I say schizophrenia to a high person, they should literally shut down and faint.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, that's another big fear. Like I'm afraid that I'm gonna like be permanently like. Like this or that I'll be stupider into perpetuity. That like I'll come out of this highness and be like, oh, I'm dumber. And then if I forget something the next day, it's like. Cuz I smoke. Yeah, of course.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. When I say schizophrenia on stage, the whole room goes like, everybody's afraid of that. So then you smoke weed and it's like, oh my God, that's the thing. And then you start. You hear the pipes in the house and you're like, that's a guy.

[Guest Woman]

If anything, it's the opposite that I do it every day. That by 9pm I need to get out of that sober.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, you're drug addict.

[Andrew Santino]

You're not a recharge.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay. You're not a recharge. My dad was like that if he stopped smoking weed. The, the. The voice of the anxiety is the anxiety was regular. So you have to be high all the time.

[Guest Woman]

It's better.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really. You have to be.

[Guest Woman]

That's nice.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm very jealous of girls that smoke. Weed. I'm really intimidated by it because our life is already so hard and we think so much. The idea that you can just be like a cool high girl, I want to kill you.

[Guest Woman]

It's better than being a girl who's like, oh, I just drink beer. It's just easier.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah, girl. Beer girl is gross.

[Alex McMullen]

But you like stimulants. So you like little nicotine. Nicotine, A little caffeine.

[Jordan Jensen]

Nicotine, caffeine. I was addicted to coke.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Adderall. This tracks. Yeah, I like Xanax. Adderall, Xanax, Adderall. I don't do it anymore, but that's what I like. A lot of coke. And then take a big bar of Zan at night.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, what are we doing?

[Jordan Jensen]

A little Klondike bar. A little Klonopin. My God.

[Alex McMullen]

Wait, so that just cuts it?

[Jordan Jensen]

Like, cuts it. You go to sleep, wake up, do it again. Oh, my God.

[Andrew Santino]

How much Klonopin are you taking? I've taken Klonopin to help me sleep. Like a half a milligram or something like that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Very low dose. Problem with clopin is I went. I go to Mexico, you know, you go to Mexico. Tulum or something. You buy Klonopin at the pharmacy. And I would be like, this is just for panic attacks. But then I just run through it every time I'm on a plane, I'm like, I might be panicking.

[Alex McMullen]

You're panicking all the time.

[Jordan Jensen]

It chills you out. But it's too addictive for me. I just am an addict.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

All right.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's why I had to cut out sugar entirely, because I can't stop.

[Guest Woman]

Are you miserable without sugar?

[Jordan Jensen]

No, the dog. I have a dog. I get outside, I work out. I. I can do st. Yeah, I'm miserable. Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

I gotta do the social part, though. Cause I've tried to cut out sugar a million different ways. And then one friend's like, dude, let's just get ice cream. And I'm like, all right.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know the ice cream people. I got ice cream last week. Yeah, there's also. Sometimes you gotta give in.

[Andrew Santino]

Great food in New York. Great sugar. Food in New York.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know, I know. I. I'm starting to introduce, like, cheat days. But for the most part, you have to just. You just suffer. You know? What I do is I don't socialize. I get up, I go to the park, I work out, I do a podcast, I go to the cellar, and then I leave before everybody sits down.

[Andrew Santino]

This contributed to Your breakup.

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, I think this was post breakup.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, yeah. So this is. Oh, so this is relatively new. The no sugar thing.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I started it during the breakup. The. I can't deal with the small itch in the vagina. If you guys knew what the small itch was felt like. You don't even have.

[Guest Woman]

So bad.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's so bad. You don't have to have a full yeast infection, but you'll stop eating sugar if you have a tiny itch that nothing can solve that the laundry schedule.

[Guest Woman]

Is based on what pants I can wear.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my God. And you have to buy all the cotton underwear you can't wear. Fucking any type of.

[Andrew Santino]

How often are women having these?

[Alex McMullen]

What does this mean?

[Guest Woman]

Constantly.

[Jordan Jensen]

You either are a UTI girl or you're a yeast girl. UTI girls is dangerous because you can get kidney infections, which does suck. I got UTI once when I was a roofer and I was dating a guy who's also a roofer, and he kept fingering me with roofer roofing dust. And that gave me a UTI Brutal, because you have to piss every four seconds.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

So that's like, my best friend's a UTI girl. I'm a yeast girl.

[Alex McMullen]

But you wouldn't just tell them, like, yo, wash your hands.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like we did. I was dirty, too. We were all dirty. We would come home with just eyes and teeth showing because there was so much dust.

[Alex McMullen]

Like a burning man or something.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And. But then. Or you're a yeast girl.

[Guest Woman]

I'm a yeast girl.

[Jordan Jensen]

And the yeast girl thing is like, you. It's all out to me. Fluconazole, you take. It ruins your micro.

[Alex McMullen]

Like an aperitif. What? Wait, what. What is that?

[Jordan Jensen]

Fluconazole. Fluconazole is like an antibiotic, but you can't take it so much because then it makes it worse. You know that.

[Guest Woman]

Yes. No, I've. I've. Maybe I should stop eating sugar.

[Jordan Jensen]

So I went to chat. GPT. I was like, bro, you got to help me. I get sick every weekend at meet and greets, and I have a chronic yeast infection. He goes, you got to stop eating sugar. And then I did, and everything got better.

[Alex McMullen]

Wow.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Guest Woman]

It's just like.

[Andrew Santino]

Would I rather I like that you.

[Guest Woman]

Mentioned yeast infections or never have a crunch bar? Like, both are bad.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. You can't have a crunch bar. Here's what you can do. Blueberries, and then once you wipe it out, I had ice cream and I didn't get a yeast infection. So once you Wipe it. You gotta wipe it out. You gotta wipe it out. Cause it's a guy. And I bet you have brain fog all the time from it because it's a.

[Alex McMullen]

You're smoking weed.

[Jordan Jensen]

You're smoking weed.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, you can't smoke weed and quit sugar. How would you do that?

[Guest Woman]

How would I do that?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

It's literally impossible.

[Guest Woman]

Yeah. It's hard to balance all that.

[Jordan Jensen]

I think you'll do it. Cause when I was your age, I just fucked through the yeast infection. You know what I mean? I just slammed it and got a fucking roll. Baboon's ass for a pussy.

[Guest Woman]

Have you ever had them call you and be like, hey, I got a yeast infection from you?

[Jordan Jensen]

No.

[Guest Woman]

Okay.

[Alex McMullen]

Can guys get it like that?

[Jordan Jensen]

They don't know for sure, but sometimes.

[Guest Woman]

They'Re like, it feels a little bad. And you're just like, all right, not my problem.

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, then you switch it. What I do is I go, did you give me std?

[Andrew Santino]

Right?

[Jordan Jensen]

And they go, no, no, no. That's what you do.

[Guest Woman]

Masterclass.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

You're a sociopath.

[Jordan Jensen]

The last thing a man will ever say is Ivy yeast infection. Even if they have one, they'll never say it. So you just be like, I don't know what you have. Who? You.

[Alex McMullen]

What does it mean for a guy to get a yeast infection?

[Jordan Jensen]

Where does he have a vagina instead of a dick? Balls.

[Andrew Santino]

It's unbelievable.

[Jordan Jensen]

But, yeah, you got to wipe it out now. It's great. Imagine having my vagina feels normal. I know. I'm really jealous. Could you imagine?

[Guest Woman]

I can't.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's great. It gets smaller, too. It's not swollen. Yeah. I have a small vagina now. Is that great?

[Guest Woman]

Like, it fits in the underwear?

[Jordan Jensen]

Like, well, yeah. Come on.

[Alex McMullen]

It depends.

[Jordan Jensen]

Sometimes. Sometimes you slip a lab, obviously, but, you know. But yeah, totally. It really helps inflammation.

[Guest Woman]

This is f. Someone's pitching sobriety.

[Jordan Jensen]

What do you guys have? You. Your pants every day, you disgusting perverts. You have freaking.

[Alex McMullen]

And I also go commando off.

[Andrew Santino]

I have a bidet.

[Jordan Jensen]

I have.

[Andrew Santino]

You don't actually have a bidet.

[Alex McMullen]

I have a bidet.

[Andrew Santino]

You haven't installed it.

[Alex McMullen]

I have installed it.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh.

[Alex McMullen]

Miles came over and almost broke my butt.

[Jordan Jensen]

You guys got to have something. You have sweaty balls.

[Andrew Santino]

My balls stink.

[Jordan Jensen]

Stink.

[Alex McMullen]

He shared that with us, and I wish he did. Good God.

[Jordan Jensen]

Why do they sting?

[Andrew Santino]

I don't know. New York City, any summer or something. I just been. I've been. I'm like, what is that? Is that me?

[Alex McMullen]

I need to take a Shower.

[Andrew Santino]

My ph is off. I, I have yeast for balls.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, that's worse. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yours is worse than a.

[Andrew Santino]

Sure.

[Jordan Jensen]

I mean you guys shard a lot. You get skid marks a lot.

[Andrew Santino]

I, I have sharted in the past five years, but once maybe that's good. Oh, I almost started a comedy club.

[Jordan Jensen]

Club dude. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Thank God. I'm about to go on stage.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh no.

[Andrew Santino]

It was a sharp. It didn't get in the boxers, thank God. And this comedy club amazingly had baby wipes. What a godsend.

[Ad Reader]

Oh wow.

[Andrew Santino]

The guy before me gets the light. The feature act. I think I'm gonna fart before I go on stage. I'm like, well, gotta run to the bathroom. Luckily there's a bathroom. Not all green rooms have bathrooms.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

And then it was, was wet. The wet wipe was wetter, but my, my draws were clean.

[Guest Woman]

How was the set?

[Andrew Santino]

That was fine. Now if I had to go up there. Oh come on. I'm not sitting on the stool that whole hour.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, you have to sleep sort of look different.

[Jordan Jensen]

Do you guys ever find that if you have to pee before you get on stage, you do better?

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, I have to pee all the time, but especially if I'm nervous. One sip of water. I got to pee. So it's just like a thing.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. And then, but recently I've been like, I'm not going to pee before I go up. Cuz I always do the anxiety pee before. But I think you do better if you pee. If you don't pee.

[Andrew Santino]

Really?

[Jordan Jensen]

If you hold the pee in.

[Alex McMullen]

Really?

[Jordan Jensen]

I think it helps cuz you're a little like I get a feet grit and it makes you a little more, you know. Yeah, I think that has helped. Yeah. I'm still, I'm still trying to figure out food or no food before the set.

[Alex McMullen]

Always no food.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, but sometimes you, then you're hungry.

[Andrew Santino]

Up there or light food.

[Jordan Jensen]

Light food. Yeah.

[Guest Woman]

Well, you want to look snatched.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's what I would do. That's what I would do with the sugar is I need a little sugar and go now.

[Andrew Santino]

You can't do that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

No, because then you crash halfway through the set. Yeah, that's tough. I, I stop eating at like 5.

[Jordan Jensen]

Do you reset the Zen?

[Alex McMullen]

Oh yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You reset the zen on stage.

[Alex McMullen]

Right. Like, like moments before.

[Jordan Jensen]

Moments before. Sometimes halfway through, like get some rough.

[Andrew Santino]

Crack the whole skin, the whole set with the zinnia.

[Alex McMullen]

No, but like when the feature goes up, pop one in. Then right before you go up.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, I keep it up.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh really?

[Jordan Jensen]

No cuz.

[Alex McMullen]

Then I. I like choke on it. And do you have one in now?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, impressive.

[Jordan Jensen]

Thanks.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I couldn't have you.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's cuz I have a Simpsons mouth. You can't see it.

[Alex McMullen]

You're aller.

[Jordan Jensen]

I look like a Simpsons girl. Everybody says it.

[Alex McMullen]

Let's pull it up.

[Andrew Santino]

You do look kind of like the bus driver. Auto.

[Alex McMullen]

She looks like aut. Oh man, hold on. I'm not. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. In a way, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, a little bit.

[Alex McMullen]

Maybe he just has a Zen in. Yeah, he just got to live.

[Andrew Santino]

No, I don't know why, but I will. That bus driver, I get it. Something about him.

[Alex McMullen]

I can't explain that.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what happened to me as a kid. I would.

[Jordan Jensen]

That bus driver or like people say I look like the girl from Futurama.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, Leela, that's better. That's better.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, right there.

[Jordan Jensen]

I could see that.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

I've also never seen the show, but I feel like you guys carry yourself similarly, you know?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, that's a great show.

[Alex McMullen]

Leela rules. So that's a good compliment, right? Yeah, that's a great compliment.

[Jordan Jensen]

Damn, that's my dad. That's what my dad looks like.

[Alex McMullen]

Wait, but you go zen on stage while you're up there.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

And you'll reset it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Or Sesh.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, Sesh.

[Guest Woman]

The better one.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, yeah. It's a new nicotine brand though. Is a friend of the show.

[Andrew Santino]

Andrew's invested in it.

[Alex McMullen]

We have to disclose.

[Jordan Jensen]

Disclose.

[Andrew Santino]

He has to disclose it.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Wait, there's Sesh is a brand that Andrew has invested in. He has to disclose illegally. So I'll disclose it on his behalf because he's not here.

[Jordan Jensen]

What about the one that Tucker Carlson that now has elp?

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, whoa. We don't bring that up. Come on. That's competitor.

[Jordan Jensen]

We don't know who.

[Alex McMullen]

That's a direct competitor. Dude.

[Jordan Jensen]

What am I, sponsored by Lucy? But not anymore. I fired my ad person.

[Alex McMullen]

Really? Wait, what?

[Jordan Jensen]

Cuz my whole YouTube got taken down because I did an ad for schedule 35, which was mushrooms. And then I go online, gone. Whole YouTube and I'm like, damn, you.

[Andrew Santino]

Got videos with views too.

[Jordan Jensen]

Every podcast, my 30 minute special, like so much and it was just gone. And so. Yeah, get it back. Yeah, yeah, I got it back. I got it back. But it was crazy. And I even double checked. I was like, these are. Are we allowed to sell mushrooms? And they're like, yeah, totally. Do it so.

[Andrew Santino]

Wow. Wow.

[Ad Reader]

That's crazy.

[Andrew Santino]

Crazy.

[Guest Woman]

Were they good mushrooms?

[Jordan Jensen]

They were great. My. I gave them to my mom and my sister cuz they desperately need them. But yeah, I did them too. They were good. They're not as good fun guy as my guy. Yeah, yeah. That. He rules.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I met him at a wedding and he is exactly what you think. Swaggy short. He's like you, but I know you're not short. But he's got the blonde long hair and the like. He wears like pajamas as a suit.

[Alex McMullen]

Wait, who's this guy?

[Andrew Santino]

That does sound like.

[Alex McMullen]

I've never.

[Andrew Santino]

I hate that guy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Right, right. Like this crossover between hippie and tech. It's a really. Yeah, totally. Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Like he saunas and and like tries to like live forever.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Alex McMullen]

This all tracks.

[Jordan Jensen]

And on his shirt for the suit it said fun guy. And I was like, what do you have your own.

[Alex McMullen]

I've never heard of this guy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Fungi. Mushroom shrooms. Micro doses are the best ever.

[Alex McMullen]

How often are you microdosing?

[Jordan Jensen]

It depends.

[Andrew Santino]

I love shrooms.

[Jordan Jensen]

Me too.

[Andrew Santino]

I love it.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. Akash never done anything, never drank, never smoked weed, nothing in his life. And then is now love shrooms.

[Jordan Jensen]

Do you trip hard or do you not?

[Andrew Santino]

Super. I'll do the chocolates. I've done one like.

[Jordan Jensen]

Where is it? Oh, there it is. Right down. No, no, no, no, no. Over the rainbow box. The rainbow box.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

This girl's over there.

[Alex McMullen]

This.

[Guest Woman]

There we go.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's Fun guy.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, I've never seen the best.

[Andrew Santino]

How much is in one of those?

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know. Maybe. What's a mic Bushwick?

[Alex McMullen]

Local.

[Jordan Jensen]

Is he local?

[Alex McMullen]

I don't like when they look too delicious.

[Jordan Jensen]

Is it 10? Is that normal?

[Andrew Santino]

10 is grams.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, not 10 grams.

[Andrew Santino]

10 milligrams.

[Jordan Jensen]

What is it supposed to be one?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, like a gram is.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know. I eat half of one to my micro dose. Okay.

[Alex McMullen]

And you'll just like chill, like live your life, do stuff. Or do you do that on days where you got nothing going on?

[Jordan Jensen]

I try not to do shows when I microdose just because I'm a little weird. But when I do do it, they're always good. Yeah, yeah, but I microdose the entire pandemic.

[Alex McMullen]

Have you hero dosed mushrooms?

[Andrew Santino]

What's the hero? No, just 8 grams. It's like 5 to 8. I mean it depends on 3. A couple times.

[Jordan Jensen]

Fun.

[Andrew Santino]

And then the other time, the second time I did it, my boy was like, you got to put it in Lemon juice and blah, blah, blah. And then we drank orange juice after and I was gone. When people say I'm another planet, I thought that was just like, like an expression. And I was like, oh, I literally don't feel like I'm. I'm on the same dimension as I was before this.

[Jordan Jensen]

I haven't done a big dose of mushrooms, only acid. And I want to know if they're similar. But since that big acid trip, I've been too, too scared to do a giant one. So I just microdose everything. Yeah, but is it more? Is mushrooms like. Have you done acid? No, I, I feel like. I feel like acid is more. Is more pixelated, is more like prismy. Yeah. Crazy wrinkly. And I feel like mushrooms is more like. You know what I mean? Is it like that?

[Andrew Santino]

I don't know.

[Jordan Jensen]

I wish I did more like roots. Roots and spirals. And what did it feel like to macrodose on mushrooms?

[Andrew Santino]

I felt like. I. Well, at one point it was like we went to Mercer Labs, which is like, this is a good place to do shrooms, but there's a, like a bunch of mirrors and I sat by one, I looked in the mirror and I saw myself turning like an 80 year old man. It was crazy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay, that's also acid. The aging thing is acid.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Sometimes I'm like, does it just make us ugly?

[Andrew Santino]

No. But then I was like, oh, this. You're tired. You need to rest. Look how tired you are.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know, that's.

[Andrew Santino]

And that was like the crystallizing moment. I was like, you need to do things to try to not be so exhausted all the time.

[Jordan Jensen]

I think that's what it is. Because I think when you do drugs with your friends, your friends look really ugly and scary and old. And I think it's because we've been doing drugs. I'm like, I'm. I'm like, oh, I see you as an old woman.

[Alex McMullen]

And I'm like, dude, We've been awake 16 hours.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, totally. But then if people wear makeup, I've done acid and look to people with makeup. And that's weird because you can like see the makeup too. Dude, I peed my. I peed down my leg one time because there was a woman that I was talking to who had lip fillers and crazy work done and my bladder just. I literally like in the movies when a little kid pees. Cuz I was tripping hard and I just was like so scared and I just peed.

[Alex McMullen]

Whoa.

[Ad Reader]

What?

[Jordan Jensen]

She'd say she didn't notice she didn't notice. I ran away for fake time. I was wearing a skirt.

[Alex McMullen]

She's giving a shit for sharting every now and then. I need yourself.

[Jordan Jensen]

That was on drugs. Doesn't count.

[Alex McMullen]

Do you ever go in nature?

[Jordan Jensen]

Like, are you like a. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nature every day.

[Alex McMullen]

Like a nature shroom is like. I think that's the way it is.

[Jordan Jensen]

The way it is definitely the way it's microdosing nature. I'll do that. But then sometimes. Then if I microdose and I go into nature sometimes, the idea of returning to society is so horrific.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know what I mean? So sometimes I have to microdose and be like, you're going to go do your stuff, your city stuff and be a grown up. But yeah, obviously it's the best being in nature is. I being in nature can make me remember tripping hard.

[Ad Reader]

You know what I mean?

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You just go back into nature and you're like, oh, yeah, I don't need to trip. I remember exactly how this feels.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, yeah. I've done that with music before. Like, we did Molly and listen and we went to Burning man and we listened to a set and I listened back to the same set and I'm like, holy.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm like, oh, that's good.

[Alex McMullen]

It's just like a little free dose. It's just like in your spine. You.

[Jordan Jensen]

I miss Molly so much. That's the best one. But I on too much proac. Oh, yeah. So it just nullifies.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, you gotta like, like break it for like three months before you do Molly again or something.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know. It's three months, but it is. Is it three months?

[Alex McMullen]

That's what chat GBT is.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really?

[Alex McMullen]

Are you on Prozac? No, but I was reading about. I was like, what should you not do if you're gonna do Molly? Because I'm very like skittish with drugs. Anytime I do anything, I always like research it. I'm like doing like. I talked to a psychologist before I did Molly or before I did mushrooms for the first time just because I was like.

[Jordan Jensen]

And they were like, you need to grow up.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. Literally, basically.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I like to go to therapy.

[Alex McMullen]

No, no, you went.

[Jordan Jensen]

You sought out a psychologist.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, he came with the podcast.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay, okay.

[Alex McMullen]

And he was like an MDMA psychologist. And I was like, okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, that's cool.

[Alex McMullen]

And so he like gave me, like, told me what to do. This guy, Rick Barnett.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, I thought about flagrant. He came on your podcast?

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, yeah, he started. Yeah, he started the Psychedelic society in Vermont. And he does, like, MDMA therapy. He's the man. But he was like, listen to this pod or listen to this playlist. Like the John Hopkins, like, MDMA research playlist. He gave me like all this game. It was amazing. Did you learn anything about myself from him? No.

[Jordan Jensen]

About yourself and the thing.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really?

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, about like, anxiety and like, just like the way that I see myself. Like, I was able to, like, take my own advice. Cuz, like, people would ask me advice and I feel like I would give, like, decent advice, but I would never take it. And then doing mushrooms, I, like, was able to handle. How much did you do?

[Andrew Santino]

Cuz I never had that thing.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. People talk. Well, I, I feel like there's an intentionality with it because, like, I went out, I had a hammock, I laid in the woods.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Like, I went upstate and then like, I played the music. I had like all the drinks, like, water, everything I needed. So I was like, very, like, rigorous with it. And then I intentionally, like, meditated before. I journaled before. And then like, where you were like.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm gonna come out of this not a. I'm strong.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, that was the goal.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

I was like, I feel like a, I feel like I'm anxious all the time and I'm scared of. And then I was like, what if I do mushrooms and I see like a demon? I see like, you know, some scary. And then I was like, okay, I'm gonna think of the scariest thing possible. And then nothing showed up. And I, I was like, oh, I'm fine.

[Jordan Jensen]

How did you. Was that mushrooms or Molly?

[Alex McMullen]

Mushrooms.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, okay. Okay. Wait, what happened with Molly? You just did it.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, it's just the best.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay.

[Alex McMullen]

That's the greatest thing ever. And then I listened to the songs later and I, I, I relapse. Just in the gym, just like, dude, everything's awesome.

[Andrew Santino]

I love you guys.

[Alex McMullen]

I'm like, hey, can you spot me? And then I just talk to the guy for a while.

[Jordan Jensen]

Molly is sick because it gives you the high of cocaine.

[Guest Woman]

Yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like the high of, like, I'm invincible. But it doesn't make you talk about it. You know what I mean?

[Guest Woman]

Like a freak.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, it doesn't.

[Guest Woman]

There's none of that.

[Jordan Jensen]

There's some of that. Some of my friends. One of my friends gets Molly eye where one eye shuts entirely. It's so funny. He's like, yeah, dude, I love you so much. I'm like, dude, we can't talk. But yeah. Molly just allows you to Be like, I love you so much. Without then having to be like, and we should start a podcast together. I mean, I developed a 401k idea where we all put our coke is. So would you preface it?

[Alex McMullen]

Even when I'm on my Molly, I'll be like, hey, dude, I know I'm a Molly, but, like, I do really love you. Like, I will always, like, get ahead of me.

[Jordan Jensen]

Dude, being a sober person and having somebody walk up and going, hey, I know I'm a Molly. I'm like, just somebody else.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Literally anybody else for me. Dude, I'm not gonna give you what you need. It's crazy. I know I'm a Molly. And I'm like, then, no, don't be here.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, I need it.

[Jordan Jensen]

I need it.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. I have no real patience for drunk people or whatever. I just don't. I just. Get away from me.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, well, I've only ever done Molly Brown. People also all doing Molly.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, that's great.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, I've. No, I couldn't do Molly around someone that's not on drugs. That'd be insane.

[Jordan Jensen]

You ever meet somebody who you think is on Molly, but they just live like that? Like Butterly. Tim Butterly is like that. I don't know, he just tells everybody that he loves him, that he loves you. And you're like, are you.

[Andrew Santino]

I tell everybody I love them.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really?

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's great.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

It's always funny with guys because they won't say it back at first.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

And then they eventually just cave and start saying it. But the first time you're like, I love you. They're like, all right, man, I'll see you later.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Didn't you accidentally say to someone in your building, like, you say it so frequently, like you said, like, someone.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, yeah. I actually said it to this neighbor of mine who I'm pretty sure was in jail cuz he had an ankle brace on the first couple times I met him and he was with his daughter. And I was like, all right, man, I love y'.

[Jordan Jensen]

All.

[Andrew Santino]

And he was like, I love you too. And I was like, we don't.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's awesome.

[Alex McMullen]

My bad. Yeah, but it's also a nice mistake. You know what I mean?

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Of all the mistakes.

[Andrew Santino]

But it was weird.

[Jordan Jensen]

It was a weird. I saw a weird one last night. A guy was.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, sorry, this.

[Jordan Jensen]

Archer.

[Alex McMullen]

Archer, you want to come in?

[Jordan Jensen]

One second. It's right there. We got.

[Alex McMullen]

We got it. Archer, you got the magnet back on?

[Jordan Jensen]

It's good. You don't have to reach down my shirt again.

[Guest Woman]

I think we're good.

[Jordan Jensen]

Don't touch me.

[Alex McMullen]

Little freak came in here like a badass.

[Andrew Santino]

I got it.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'll be right there.

[Alex McMullen]

Just use your hands.

[Jordan Jensen]

Dude. There was a guy last night walking around my house. That was. It was like a two in one. There was a guy getting recycling. Like a super who's like a crack head outside my building. But then there's a guy. I was walking my dog and he just kept opening his fly and showing the tip of his penis. And he would just keep walking by me and just showing the tip of his penis like this. And it was so weird. Weird to me. Like, I was like, I want to say something to him. But it was almost like he wanted me to be like, it's good. Like he wanted me to be like, no, it's fine. That's a good. Like, he was like, it sounds medical. Is this okay? Yeah. And then I walked up to the super and I was like, there's a guy just showing the tip of his penis everywhere. And the super goes, that's awesome. And I was like, what else you.

[Alex McMullen]

Do live in the Simpsons? Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. He was like, that's awesome. And I was like, it's not awesome. He's like, no, it's not awesome.

[Andrew Santino]

That's a successful in that building.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know. I live in a tiny. It's the size of that table. I refuse to move. I love the location and I don't want. I have a house up in Ithaca, but I don't want to move out of my tiny.

[Andrew Santino]

What's your. What's your time share here and there? What do you hear? 10, 11 months out of the year. What do you like how here 12.

[Jordan Jensen]

Months out of the year, they're two weeks.

[Andrew Santino]

So you don't ever.

[Jordan Jensen]

Two weeks.

[Andrew Santino]

Why don't you sell your house in Ithaca and get a bigger place in the same late neighborhood?

[Jordan Jensen]

Because I don't believe in the stock stock market. So I buy gold and.

[Guest Woman]

All right. All right.

[Jordan Jensen]

What?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, that also didn't really answer my.

[Jordan Jensen]

Question because I have the house as a long term investment full of gold.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay, I got you, right? I got you.

[Jordan Jensen]

I just have the house because I put the money there and I make it better and I work on it.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

And I love it.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, you work on it yourself?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

And it's the cutest, huh?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Yeah, I know. Or is it cool girl that you can't handle. You have to make me gay. Because the idea that you could be in a relationship with somebody who is Handy hot cool is too much.

[Andrew Santino]

No, I'm okay with the fact that I couldn't handle you.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's okay.

[Alex McMullen]

Great.

[Jordan Jensen]

Sometimes I wonder that. And guys are like, you're gay. I'm like, or are you just mad that your wife can't do.

[Andrew Santino]

Two things can be true.

[Jordan Jensen]

Two things can be true. Right?

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

They go, you have to be a lesbian. There's no way you can suck a dick and build a house. And I go, I can do both. Pretty good. You can build a house better than suck a.

[Alex McMullen]

Really? You're. That you're. Are you handy around your apartment and you fix everything?

[Jordan Jensen]

I hate doing it cuz I did it for so many years.

[Andrew Santino]

With your dad?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, with my dad and my mom's.

[Andrew Santino]

Trying to him, or was that just like a thing?

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, you know, if one thing led to another, what are you going to do?

[Alex McMullen]

Things can be true.

[Jordan Jensen]

But my. My mom was a contractor and my dad, so I work for both of them. So carpentry is in my family.

[Ad Reader]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay. So you can fix anything.

[Guest Woman]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

The only thing I can't do is build, like furniture. I can't. I don't do fine carpentry. No.

[Andrew Santino]

I leave that to the.

[Jordan Jensen]

I hate that. I hate that so much. Yeah, totally. But. Yeah, but I also. What I'll do is I'll date blue collar people so that they fix stuff so I don't have to. Because I don't.

[Guest Woman]

I'm writing that down. That's. That's really smart.

[Andrew Santino]

Date blue collar people.

[Guest Woman]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Date a real man. Finally crossing the line. She just thought of that. She might be an idiot.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

These Bushwick baristas can't do anything.

[Jordan Jensen]

They're Republican, though. You have to be okay with Republican.

[Andrew Santino]

No, that's a problem for her.

[Guest Woman]

Not for a relationship.

[Jordan Jensen]

But I only date Republicans. It's huge issue.

[Guest Woman]

That's a problem.

[Alex McMullen]

How does that manifest?

[Jordan Jensen]

Because I'm masculine, so I have to date somebody more masculine than me.

[Alex McMullen]

And then they're always conservative.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. I'm not going to date some NPR toe bag. Yeah. They have to be somebody who hates women.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Because then I feel feminine because they're like, you a little bitch. They don't have to hate women. But they have to.

[Guest Woman]

At least then you're the exception. They're like, I hate women, but you.

[Jordan Jensen]

Right. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Right.

[Jordan Jensen]

Or they're like, I feel. They're. They're not gonna. Like, when I date liberals, they think I'm gonna like, dominate them in bed because of how I am out in the world. But A Republican is like, nobody's dominating me. That's crazy. You know what I mean?

[Alex McMullen]

You dated guys in unions.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I love a union man.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. Uniform Love.

[Jordan Jensen]

A union man. Love a uniform love when they have the. The kind of hick accent where they talk like there's marbles in their mouth.

[Alex McMullen]

And they're fat. They're kind of fat.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't do that.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't do the facts. I used to be very fat. So when I see the fat, I.

[Andrew Santino]

Go, she likes a nice body, but full lean.

[Alex McMullen]

You don't full. Yeah. You don't want. You don't want. Like, you don't need abs.

[Jordan Jensen]

No abs? What are you, pervert abs? No way. Abs are crazy.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. No, this. All. This all tra. This makes sense. You date a fireman.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, I'd love to date no firemen's cheat. Like. Yeah, because they're Dominican. If you're. If there's any Latino in them. I won't date them because they cheat. It's in their culture.

[Alex McMullen]

It's true. So what uniforms have you dated?

[Jordan Jensen]

Uniform, Like. Like carpentry.

[Alex McMullen]

Electrical.

[Jordan Jensen]

Love. Electrical. What have I plumb. I would date a plumber. Little poopy for me.

[Andrew Santino]

It does seem a little poopy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Farmer.

[Alex McMullen]

I've dated mechanic.

[Andrew Santino]

Farmer seems like the move.

[Jordan Jensen]

Mechanics. Great. But farmers are really stupid. They're really dumb, but they're very strong.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, they.

[Jordan Jensen]

About that.

[Alex McMullen]

Like, you're thinking of stuff all day and you go home and he's like, I'm not thinking.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, they have to be smart. They have to be like a little almost, like dorky. Like, and I know how to fix this.

[Alex McMullen]

Or an autistic farmer.

[Jordan Jensen]

Autistic. Autistic carpenter. The farming thing.

[Andrew Santino]

Became a doctor.

[Jordan Jensen]

Whoa.

[Andrew Santino]

That would have been your dream.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's good. That's my dream.

[Alex McMullen]

That's a crazy p. What kind of doctor is he?

[Andrew Santino]

I don't know. We haven't lost touch. I think internal medicine or whatever. But like, I remember we were talking about, like, getting work this summer. He's like, you always make money throwing hay bales. And I was like, what? Like, yeah, you throw hay bells on a truck, you make like 15 cents a hay bale. Over the course of a day, you make 100, 200 bucks. And I was like, I'm making 30 cents that day.

[Alex McMullen]

For the whole day.

[Jordan Jensen]

15 cents a hay bale?

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

He's just talk.

[Andrew Santino]

And you see in a hay bell.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's a big. Ah.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I think I was a man, dude.

[Alex McMullen]

We probably would get a Little jacked doing it, you know? Like, I think about work that you also get a workout, which is kind of nice.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I.

[Jordan Jensen]

When I. Before I started comedy, I was a farmer, and I wrote the most jokes. Farming. Because you're just checked out.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You're completely just like moving your body so you can think about stuff, which is nice. Then you're so tired. So I had to quit being a carpenter because I would get up on stage and be like, that's him. You get.

[Ad Reader]

Wait.

[Alex McMullen]

What was the worst job you ever had? Oh, roofing. Seems pretty tough.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't do bad jobs. I don't like doing bad. Probably I like doing manual labor. I think the worst jobs are anything that has to do with service. Service industry. When you have to be nice to people. Off. I cannot do that. When. When you all of a sudden become slave mentality to them and they treat you like that and you're like, how. What are you thinking that this is. You know what I mean? Bakery. I didn't. Like, you had to wake up at.

[Andrew Santino]

5:00Am oh, yeah, that's rough as a comic.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, that was rough as a comic. But I would just stay up all night and go, okay. And the cocaine.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, the coke. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Any service industry job I've lost, I've been fired from all of those. From getting in fights with people.

[Alex McMullen]

Wait, what was. What was the craziest fight you got into?

[Andrew Santino]

She accuses guy being a pedophile.

[Alex McMullen]

That was just for love of the game. That wasn't even on the job.

[Jordan Jensen]

I got fired for. Let's see. I got fired. My sister fired me from a job because I would smoke a blunt before going in every time. And then I got my best friend a job there. And we would. This thing would happen because when you're like. We would give people their water and we would go up to each other and if we ended up at the same table on accident. Accident. We would cry, laugh in front of customers, and, like, not be able to keep it together. And my sister was like, you're gonna get fired. And then one day I just walked up and I picked up a cup and I was so high, and I just dumped the pitcher on the customer. And she was like, you're done, dude. You're done. Totally.

[Alex McMullen]

But have you been treated badly by patrons?

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know. I was so high all the time. I didn't do it.

[Alex McMullen]

Sounds like you might have deserved it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. I was so bad at that job.

[Andrew Santino]

She dumped water in a guy's fucking head.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Of Course, yeah. I just would lie and be like, I know what I'm doing and couldn't do it. I've lost a lot of jobs doing that. Be like, I can do it. And then I would YouTube things. I lost a job putting in like countertops ones because I just drilled right through the countertop they bought and then I tried to patch it and they were like, yeah, you can't do this. I just am like not. The only thing I can really do well is stand up. I could, I can farm. But even farming, I would be running the combine through the field and I would think of a joke and write it down and the combine would just turn and up the entire crop. So I'm very clumsy and bad. That's why I stand up. It's got to work out. It's got to be. It's got. I got.

[Alex McMullen]

How did it work being on a farm but also not being able to see blood. Cuz I feel like on a farm.

[Jordan Jensen]

I can see my own blood. Just. I can't see like no needles. No needles, no. But yeah, I can cut my hands up and.

[Guest Woman]

Yeah, yeah. I mean you couldn't menstruate and have that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Right, right, right, yeah. But there. Yeah. Cuts everywhere is totally fine. It's Vasov bagels, like, you know.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, Pokey stuff.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah. I'll faint putting an earring in sometimes. No, it's when it's go in the body. We don't like to go in the body. You can cut the body, you can scrape the body. It can't go in the body.

[Guest Woman]

Did you just like pass out before you got your ears pierced? Like how did you like manage that?

[Jordan Jensen]

The ears pierced?

[Guest Woman]

Tattoos. Like do you freak out?

[Jordan Jensen]

I only fainted it. This one.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh on the got too close and this one actually.

[Jordan Jensen]

Cuz it got down the cav. Yeah, like hit the deck. Dude, my mom. God damn it. Where's that boy? Come in here and go down on me.

[Andrew Santino]

You got it, Archer, you're good.

[Alex McMullen]

But like if you had like vaccinated a cow or something like you had it like livestock on farm?

[Jordan Jensen]

No, no, no. Bean farming. Bean farming, combine.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, it's only crops.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, I'm not sticking things into animals veins.

[Alex McMullen]

I'm not a vet. I had a friend that farm near us, I'm like. They would just have chickens that would die. The or like foxes or whatever would get in and like eat all the chickens. And then there just be bloody chickens and we'd have to go clean it.

[Andrew Santino]

And army's life is a Rough life, dude. It's not easy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Bloody chickens I think would even be fine. It's more like if I had to give an IV to a cat.

[Andrew Santino]

Bro.

[Jordan Jensen]

Bert Kreischer and that whole crew. Do you guys do those IVs?

[Alex McMullen]

IV drips?

[Ad Reader]

No.

[Jordan Jensen]

Come on.

[Andrew Santino]

What are we doing?

[Alex McMullen]

I used to donate blood, like in school for a movie with you.

[Jordan Jensen]

I fainted at substance. That movie. Substance Hard, dude. Passed out right in the theater. Tried to get to the bathroom.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I heard you talking about this movie. I remember seeing the trailer and it looked nuts.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's really good.

[Andrew Santino]

It didn't seem all about it.

[Jordan Jensen]

I love that movie because I love the. I always talk about how plastic surgery freaks me out because people are like, oh, you look so young, but you're not actually young. You have an old person in there. And the substance like perfectly encapsulates that where it's Demi Moore living in this old. This young girl. And it's so good. So I had to watch it again. But yeah, it was like I made it through the gory stuff and I was like, I'm good. Look at me, I'm growing. And then she got a panic attack on screen and that's when I just was like, I have to go to the bathroom. I sweat through all my clothes. Passed out in the hallway. People were walking over me being like another homeless person.

[Alex McMullen]

Did you hear your head? Like, if you pass out, like, that's sketchy.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, you know, to get. Get down. You get down and you're like, here it comes. And then you are up against the wall and then you slide down and you're out. And then you wake up on planes. I faint a lot.

[Alex McMullen]

Really?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. If I watch a movie and because you. There's less, you know, there's that. It's why you fart a lot and you laugh a lot. You notice when you watch a movie on a plane, you'll cry.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I don't.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, I cry all the time on planes.

[Jordan Jensen]

Right. Cuz it makes you.

[Andrew Santino]

It does something scientific thing that happens.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. They make food saltier.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, they. Apparently a lot of times people want tomato juice or Bloody Mary or whatever because it's salty and you crave salt more.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, wow. That's what I.

[Andrew Santino]

Or maybe you don't taste salty much or something.

[Alex McMullen]

Taste.

[Jordan Jensen]

You basically.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. Your taste buds get muted, I think or something that.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, that's. It's an incredibly unnatural, unnatural thing. Flying.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's. Dude, all I want is what you want. I want to get the transit vehicle.

[Andrew Santino]

I want a Tour bus.

[Jordan Jensen]

I want to make it. Yeah, I want that. But how?

[Andrew Santino]

We have a podcast every week, so that's why we're here.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

Y', all, do you B in with Jordan? That's your only pod. Or you do another one.

[Jordan Jensen]

I do Rip. Okay. Thanks.

[Alex McMullen]

Come on, dude.

[Jordan Jensen]

And. But Rip, I could do anywhere. Okay, But I want one month on the road. One month. You bank the podcast.

[Andrew Santino]

I would love this.

[Jordan Jensen]

Right?

[Andrew Santino]

I would love this.

[Jordan Jensen]

But why don't we do it?

[Alex McMullen]

Because I think a lot of times comics have a hard time selling tickets on a Monday or Tuesday, you know? Oh, so like, comedy Torn was always just like, weekends. You go to some shitty club and you do stand up and do drugs.

[Jordan Jensen]

But then you camp. You could just. You could just do stuff.

[Andrew Santino]

I think we're getting to the point where we could do weekday stuff. Yeah, yeah, Andrew definitely is.

[Alex McMullen]

But also sometimes we're topical and something big happens in the news.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, God. Book a flight the day before. What are we talking about here? You guys always do that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Does he do arenas? Yeah, he could do arenas on the weekends, theater on Wednesday. Yeah. And that'd be fun. But he has a child. It's the children.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, also kids.

[Jordan Jensen]

You get the month with the kids. Kids.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, but then you have a month without kids.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's. That's tough. That is tough. Cuz they grow up so they get big fast. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

You could bring them at a young age. At a young age. You can't raise.

[Jordan Jensen]

Wait, isn't Andrew not touring?

[Alex McMullen]

He's been off the road for a little bit. He's doing the movie right now in Australia.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, See, that's nice.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, right?

[Jordan Jensen]

That's nice. A good long break.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Although sometimes I take those breaks and I'm like, I'm going to write new hour. And then the whole break I'm like, oh, nothing.

[Andrew Santino]

I did. This is the long, longest I've ever taken.

[Jordan Jensen]

Not.

[Andrew Santino]

It seemed like five years. I took like three months. Only, like three weekends. And I was like, I'm gonna work on this hour. I'm gonna polish it. I did nothing.

[Jordan Jensen]

What is that? We're imagining some dusty desk in a beautiful room with sun coming in. And we're like, dear diary, like, it's not happening. We're, like, filling it with family and friends and all the people.

[Alex McMullen]

I'm not productive today, but the future me.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, the future me has. Is a professor.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Guest Woman]

And reads.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's crazy what I'm doing.

[Ad Reader]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm like, I don't even own a desk.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, Alex. Has to leave to go to Rosh Hashanah dinner or something.

[Guest Woman]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Are you Jewish?

[Andrew Santino]

You like to say goodbye to?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, so you're not dumb. You're a smart girl. You know everything.

[Andrew Santino]

Listen, guys, let's take a break because we need to talk about your mental health. You're probably not doing shit for your mental health. It's a fucking important thing. You work on your physical health. Why don't you work on your mental health? It is just as important. And an easy way to do that is go to TalkSpace, the number one rated online therapy program bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists. Get a psychiatrist if you can, that you can access anytime, anywhere. Talkspace is in network. It is therapy and psychiatry covered by most insurers and most insured members pay a copay of $0. I know that's a huge hurdle for therapy for mental health stuff is the cost. So you can get it under your insurance. $0 copay and you can switch providers at no cost. You can find a licensed provider that's the right fit for your needs. It's not even out of pocket. It makes getting help easier. It makes it more affordable, it makes it more accessible. Therapy has changed my life. And I know that sounds corny, but it's true. It's honestly made me a better comedian. And as a listen to this podcast, you can get $80 off your first month with Talkspace. When you go to talkspace.com flagrant and enter the promo code SPACE80 that is S, P, A, C, E80. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to talkspace.com flagarant Enter the promo code SPACE80. Now let's get back to the show.

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[Andrew Santino]

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[Andrew Santino]

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[Andrew Santino]

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[Alex McMullen]

Can I ask you a question about your subway take?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

So I imagine you had multiple subway takes, like, in your head. Were there any that you were like, oh, I. If I get. Are there any that you would tell here and, like, that you would.

[Jordan Jensen]

The only other one I had was that all seats need to go back on the plane. All seats back. All seats go back.

[Alex McMullen]

Everyone goes back.

[Jordan Jensen]

Everyone goes back.

[Andrew Santino]

I love that take.

[Alex McMullen]

I've never even understood why this is an issue. Like, the idea, like, oh, do I put my seat back or not? I. I'm Larry David.

[Jordan Jensen]

So many people that we know and love. Don't bring it back. Don't bring it back.

[Andrew Santino]

What is that?

[Jordan Jensen]

It's because they think it's a huge sign of disrespect to lean into somebody's face. And I'm like, but we all want to be like this.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

So if we all do that. But then there's this one on the plane that's straight up being like, that's your prerogative.

[Andrew Santino]

You don't have to. Then you don't have to lean back.

[Jordan Jensen]

I would even argue just make the seats shaped that way.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

It's also, this is not my fault. This is a Delta thing. Like, Delta said that they can go back that many feet or inches. So I'm going to go back.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Like, don't get mad at me.

[Jordan Jensen]

And, yeah, we. But you still have that thing where you haven't gone back yet and the chair hits and you go, damn, that is offensive. Like, if I Was not a seat back.

[Andrew Santino]

But then I said, oh, that's offensive.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's better. But maybe it. The person in the back. I mean, what is the logic?

[Andrew Santino]

You know what that person does?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah. There's one.

[Alex McMullen]

There's one person gets fucked all the way in the back. Because those seats don't recline.

[Jordan Jensen]

But they're poor.

[Alex McMullen]

Exactly.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, that is a good point.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I mean, you're already sitting, right. I've been in that seat leaning back, not leaning back. It don't make a difference.

[Alex McMullen]

You just got to eat it. I got the last spot, so.

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, with the stank and the chlorine smell. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You hate to see it, but yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

I don't even. I don't even think that's a controversial. I'm like completely with you.

[Jordan Jensen]

But a lot of people aren't. It's like half and half.

[Andrew Santino]

It's shocking how divisive this is.

[Jordan Jensen]

I've asked audiences and it's like, so. And the ones who are anti back are anti back. They're like, you are a horrible person.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't think those people fall fly very much. If you fly a lot, you're so uncomfortable on the plane. Give me any ounce of like, less discomfort. Not even comfort, just less discomfort. I need that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. I have a lot of plane problems.

[Alex McMullen]

I agree.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Well, I wish we could talk about.

[Andrew Santino]

It as stand up. Somebody decided it was hacky.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

In the 1980s and now I can't do it.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, but like the person behind you trying to get off the plane before you.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yo, I won't. That person. What is that? If you say, I have somewhere to be. Dude. The other day, my dog, we're getting on a plane and my dog is doing the cutest thing that she does before we get on a plane, which is where she rolls on the carpet and scratches her back. It's the cutest thing you've ever seen. And this woman goes, there's something wrong with your dog and she shouldn't be on the plane.

[Alex McMullen]

Whoa.

[Andrew Santino]

What a. I'm.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm fuming. And she walks by me and I stop her. I put my arm out and I go, hey, what? What were you saying? There's something wrong with my dog. And she was like, well, there's obviously she has like a skin thing. Cuz she was scratching. And I was like. Like, she was. And I like just stopped. This woman before she got on the plane and had this whole breakdown with her about how insane it was that she said that. And she was like, okay. And then she walked on. I was like, I'm glad we had this conversation. She's like, me, too.

[Alex McMullen]

Have any of these conversations ever been filmed? Has an iPhone ever popped out? And you were like, oh, I snap back. I got to get out of here.

[Jordan Jensen]

That was what I was worried about. That Manhattan one when I punched that guy's mirror because there were so many people around. No, I've had people DM me and be like, I saw you in a fight with a security guard. Totally.

[Alex McMullen]

By the way, you love the pun.

[Jordan Jensen]

I get in fights. You know when you walk into a store and they go, hi. What can we. What are you. What are you looking for today? And you're like, pants shopping. I'll fight that. What are you doing?

[Andrew Santino]

Leave me alone.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'll walk in. I'll be like, I know how to do it. I know how to buy my own pants. I'll be like, so are you looking for any sort of fit? I'm like, I know you think I'm gonna steal off. I'm not gonna steal from you. What are they doing?

[Andrew Santino]

They don't think you're gonna steal.

[Alex McMullen]

They're forced by the company that make the guests feel.

[Andrew Santino]

Nobody looks at the white girl.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like, she's. I had one girl recently. I was like, you're giving me so much anxiety right now, babe. You got to back off. And she was like, I. I think we're on the same wavelength. And I was like, 100%. Not in the same way. I need you to treat me like I'm an enemy. That's what I need.

[Andrew Santino]

I've had so many people come up to me at a store, like, in a row, that I was like, what's happening, dude? How many people do I have to tell?

[Jordan Jensen]

I know, but I grew up a fat mall goth that would get profiled for. Actually, I would steal everything. So now I'm like, dude. Dude, I'm not. It's weird when people think. Dude, when people think you're poor when you used to be poor, now, like, my neighbor by my house thinks I'm white trash because my mom has two pit bulls and my sister has two Pomeranians, and we're always looking like white trash. And she's like, you guys need to stay on your property. And I realized I was like, oh, my God. She thinks I have no money. She thinks I'm white trash. And I overdid it, trying to think I would make her think I was rich. Like, I brought her zucchinis. And I was like, we grew these on our property. Like, she was like, just leave me alone. I was like, you're right.

[Alex McMullen]

That's how you're going to prove to her that you were rich.

[Jordan Jensen]

I thought the zucchin.

[Alex McMullen]

I brought agriculture farm to table. Something.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh my God.

[Alex McMullen]

You don't even know how to pretend to be rich.

[Jordan Jensen]

She keeps catching me on her property. I keep going back there. I got to stop. She called me two days ago. I was on her property.

[Andrew Santino]

What are you doing on her property?

[Jordan Jensen]

It's just I'm a little landlocked on mine and the dogs like to run. Oh yeah, yeah, the dog's on the property. She doesn't like it.

[Andrew Santino]

This.

[Jordan Jensen]

She can't even see us. We're deep in the woods. But she found us and she was shaking. She was like, you're not respecting my boundary. And I was like, do you plan on living here for long? Cuz I need you to not live here anymore. She was like. She's like, I don't plan on leaving. It was awful.

[Alex McMullen]

Wait, what? What dogs? Is the pit bulls or.

[Jordan Jensen]

It was the pit bulls. The pit bulls are the problem. Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Are you. Are you a pit bull lover?

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm a pitbull lover. Yeah, totally.

[Alex McMullen]

Do you understand the stigma?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, dude. Her mom's pitbull ate her friend or her girlfriend's cat's foot.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, right off. Clean off. I was on acid when I saw the foot. Freak me out. Oh, no bone charge, dude, that.

[Alex McMullen]

You can't do that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Yep.

[Alex McMullen]

So what happened?

[Ad Reader]

Kept the pitbull.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Wait, so baby, the pitbull ate. My mom always had these women just moving in. My mom had a woman move in with us and she had two kids and my mom broke up their marriage.

[Alex McMullen]

Is that a real thing? Lesbians move in like immediately. So fast.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh really? Sometimes it would bother me and I'd be like. I would want to be like, mom, are you like, compensating for the fact that you don't have a. You know what I mean? Like, are you like. Like if you had a. Would you be like, I'm just going to dick this down? But because I don't. I have to be like, you can move your ikea. Is that. Is there something with that? But no, I think it's just way too much emotional connection too fast. Like, men will just be like, pump the brakes, pump the brakes. But women are like, why ever pump the brakes? Let's just eat each other. And so then they would move in and then baby ate the foot of this woman's cat. And the woman was like, I'm worried that you're going to. The dog is going to attack my kids. Rightfully so.

[Guest Woman]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

And my mom was like, all right, leave my dog over everything. Take your little crippled cat and get the fuck out of here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally.

[Andrew Santino]

Pit bulls do scare me because my dog is so small and he's a fucking yappy little thing. I was wonder he gets that from. But I'm like, you're gonna get killed.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

You got to know your.

[Jordan Jensen]

No. My dog's best friend is two pit bulls, though. If they're raised right, they're the best. My dog. Mom's dog will put my dog's head entirely in its mouth and just hold it there. And I'll watch my dog just be like, this is the best. And I'm like, I get it. You want the daddy. It feels good. Yeah, it's nice. She likes the threat. Just like her mommy. She likes.

[Alex McMullen]

That's really what it is. It's not that I have anything as pit bulls. I just don't trust. Trust people.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Like, I'd have to know what kind of a dad you are before I let.

[Andrew Santino]

And they're bred oftentimes to be a little more aggressive. Am I not. Am I mistaken?

[Jordan Jensen]

They have in there. They have I in my. When I've owned pit bulls, they have like, a hunt and kill mentality. Like, they'll just find a woodchuck and just end its life very quickly. But I think that that's just their size. Like, I think any dog would do that. They just can't.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, my dog chases after pigeons.

[Jordan Jensen]

Right. Like, I think they just can't do it actually.

[Andrew Santino]

Squeak. Squeak toys. Apparently, it's like, it makes it. Them feel like they're killing a thing, and that's why they like it. Dogs.

[Alex McMullen]

Y. Oh, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

My dog tore open a squeak toy the other day, and the squeaker just said, you won. And I was like, oh, that's clever.

[Alex McMullen]

I like that, dude.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, it was really cool.

[Alex McMullen]

It's kind of nice.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

But, yeah, I don't know. There's something about, like, you gotta find out the carfax of the owner and be like, are you a good owner? Before I, like, I let my kid pet your dog.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. All dogs can meet. You seen Chihuahuas and they bite. They just don't hurt. Hippos can just do a lot of damage because they got the giant jaw.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

There was a mastiff on the fucking train the other day, and it was so, so Big. And I turned and looked at it and it took my look is like we're friends. And it just jumped on me and was just like slobbering on me. And everybody's like oh my God. But the dog was just loving me so hard. It is just like. And the owner knew, the owner was like I'm not gonna. It's totally fine. But yeah, it's all. It's all what the owner is. And I think people who have pitbulls sometimes do it for status. So they're, you know, same with Akitas.

[Alex McMullen]

They project a little.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. And they want it to be. But you see these white girls in Brooklyn walking their dogs and they won't. They choke on the leash so hard. Yeah. And I'm like, that' to be a bad dog.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

And you're thinking it's going to be a good dog cuz you're training it. But you have to let them.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Rock. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

You're teasing them to be tense all the time.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. And they're aggressive on leash cuz they're thinking, they're like, oh, I'm being held back cuz I'm supposed to be fighting for something.

[Andrew Santino]

You got to let them free.

[Jordan Jensen]

You got to free the dog.

[Alex McMullen]

You seem like such a good dog, mom. I feel like you'd be a good mom. Mom.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know I'd be such a good mom. It's such a shame I'm not going to have kids. I'd be the best. I'd have a feral little here little naked boy.

[Andrew Santino]

You're never going to have kids.

[Jordan Jensen]

If somebody comes inside me, I'll keep it. But I can't. I don't do good on holding down relationships. And I'm not freezing my eggs. Why not? Because they're crazy. These girls go crazy. You see all these comedians who freeze their eggs and they go. Two months of losing their goddamn mind. Also I don't want to. I'm not that pro kid that I'm gonna do the egg freezing. Because then they pay. It's a racket. They pay ten grand at least. Freeze the out of their eggs and then they all get pregnant immediately after. Naturally. This happened to like four of my friends.

[Andrew Santino]

Really?

[Alex McMullen]

And you gotta pay to storm, right? Yeah. They charge like a rent. It's like storage wars. Like they're like in a unit somewhere.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

And if I don't get pregnant, it's not meant to be. If I do get pregnant, I'll keep it.

[Alex McMullen]

Would you raise like a. Like a step kid?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Raise a step kid. Raise somebody else's kid.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I see you adopting.

[Jordan Jensen]

I would like to adopt a little Chinese baby.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, you go Chinese.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, they're.

[Alex McMullen]

They are really cute.

[Jordan Jensen]

So cute. You know they're going to be smart. Love a Chinese baby.

[Andrew Santino]

Do your taxes.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, look at him.

[Alex McMullen]

The little Chinese.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, far right is so cute. Oh, above.

[Jordan Jensen]

What are we doing? Lee to the left.

[Andrew Santino]

Look at the. Oh, come on.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I would love to.

[Andrew Santino]

Right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at that kid.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh my goodness. What a cutie patootie.

[Jordan Jensen]

But the thing with adopting is you want to adopt an orphan or else they end up connecting with their whack ass crackhead mother because they want to find their roots. And then that mom takes them on some shopping spree and gets some high fructose corn syrup every time they say, you know it up your whole thing.

[Andrew Santino]

You parents who want nothing to do with them.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, you need. Yeah, totally.

[Andrew Santino]

Or dead parents.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know what I was trying to talk about on stage, which never works. All my female friends are like, I want to have a kid, but I don't want to raise it with a man. Right. But I don't want to freeze my eggs. So I. Basically the way they're describing is they're like, I want to get pregnant and then basically have the guy just disappear forever. And I'm like, you're describing rape. You want to get raped and have a man be locked up. And I think men are going to get so bad for women to date that, that we're going to have like rape nights where we go out and get r Ped. I know I can't work out.

[Andrew Santino]

Can I work it out a little bit? The problem with the logic of the bit is you could also just. A guy gets you pregnant and then leaves.

[Jordan Jensen]

No. Cuz he won't leave ever. He won't leave. And he could always come back into your life. If he's in jail, he's done. Either we want to get impregnated, then kill the man like a praying mantis does.

[Alex McMullen]

Yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

Pretty sick.

[Alex McMullen]

That's pretty cool.

[Andrew Santino]

Or well, I think honestly maybe that's the. The disconnect is if you're like, I just want him to like go to like have sex with me, then maybe he winds up in jail or something. He does something. Then you give them that breadcrumb and then you just don't say so hard. You're like, I think what you're describing is.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, they don't like. Yeah, okay, okay, okay. Soften it. Soften It.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, it still is consensual. Like, there's still a consent part, you know?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I think we worked out your bit.

[Jordan Jensen]

We did it.

[Alex McMullen]

We did it.

[Jordan Jensen]

I say so much on stage, just sometimes just to see the reaction. It's so crazy. Crazy how people react.

[Alex McMullen]

I wonder why.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my God.

[Alex McMullen]

I know. I know.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's crazy that one word can just shut down a whole. Really nut. Yeah, it's pretty cool. You feel like a puppeteer. You're like, no. Oh, I got you. That's nice. As a woman, I can say, yeah, you can't say.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, it is.

[Jordan Jensen]

You really can't.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I tried. Could never work. You can't.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, it's crazy.

[Alex McMullen]

Damn.

[Jordan Jensen]

I tried saying the other day that I know that it's getting. Women are dealing with better finally. Because women that get are so annoying that it got that reaction. That got this reaction. Like, when a man gets raped, they shut down emotionally.

[Alex McMullen]

They disassociate.

[Jordan Jensen]

They disassociate. You try and talk to them, and they just slowly face a corner in the room. You ask a woman about raped, and they're like, I love it. And I'm like, this is good. This is progress.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. Women.

[Jordan Jensen]

Women are talking about on every first date.

[Andrew Santino]

We're.

[Jordan Jensen]

We're getting somewhere.

[Alex McMullen]

We're moving in the right direction. You just want men to be more open also.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. If every man. If a guy. Yeah. Then I would know. Then I would know that was getting better. That men were evolving. If they sat down on a date and they were like, Let me tell you about when I was. You went, oh.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know, because that's happening to you guys every date you go on. You guys are in relationships, but when you go on a date, women will immediately bring up their assault.

[Andrew Santino]

Really?

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Or any trouble. Oh, my God, totally.

[Andrew Santino]

So how should you handle it as a guy? If there's any single guys out there, should you. Should you just kind of lean back and be like, so, what was that like? Or do you just. Oh, I'm so sorry.

[Jordan Jensen]

You go, I'm so sorry. Yeah, you got to do.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm so sorry. If you want to have sex, it's empty calories.

[Jordan Jensen]

You go, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. That must have been so hard.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, I hate that. Assault is bad.

[Jordan Jensen]

I hate it. I freaking hate.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, but then they're going to try to you that night. So, like, you got to. Now you.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's what men do is they go, oh, no. Now this woman. It's. Don't think that Way.

[Andrew Santino]

Really? I would think you got to wait a few dates now. Now you got a slow play. This girl got. I can't be the guy trying to her when she just told me she got. Well, what happened? You got to edit all that?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, we duck.

[Alex McMullen]

Every time he's ducking. We have to duck everyone.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay, let's duck it.

[Alex McMullen]

But you got it. You got it muted. That would actually be way funnier. Every time you say we have a little duck.

[Andrew Santino]

Let's do that.

[Alex McMullen]

Let's put a little duck noise. That's kind of nice.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

Like is taking teeth out of it. You know what I mean?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. We can say grape. Is that better?

[Alex McMullen]

But now you're so you keep going.

[Jordan Jensen]

Keep going.

[Alex McMullen]

You just got to be you.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Be you.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay. Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

And then miles will just make you a.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I Wonder why your YouTube got taken down.

[Alex McMullen]

But I got very skittish of this whole thing because in college they told us like my orientation, they were like, if a girl drinks alcohol, alcohol, she can't consent. And then I was like looking at my friends that are girls that are. They get shit faced and bang dudes.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, dude, I'm minor. You know what I mean? I. Dude, I never had sex sober until I got sober.

[Alex McMullen]

This is what my friend said. I looked at it and I was like, is this true?

[Jordan Jensen]

And then we're like, no, it's so bad. I mean, it's so. It's like when all the dude here. I also like, you know, people who got like, like clocked, dragged, right? And then, so. And then you went to college and they said all of that, you know what I mean? Gloved over the head. And those girls, which I know, dude, My sister had this happen when she was like 15. Brutal. And then all of a sudden all these girls are like, I was. Because I. I drank and had sex with this guy. And I just remember my sister being like, you. I'll. You want to see?

[Ad Reader]

You want to see it?

[Alex McMullen]

I'll give you something to cry about.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, totally. But yeah, I mean, there's something to be said about when you get fucked up and you wake up and you're like, dude, come on. I know that you didn't drink as much as me. Me, you know, I hate you. You know, I find you disgusting. I turn you down five times, right? And you did this. Then I can imagine being like, I'm gonna press some charges. But when it's just two drunk people having sex, it's tough. You can't.

[Alex McMullen]

I, I, Yeah, that's what they Told us in school. And I was like, well, I'm just gonna.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's good, though. It's good to go.

[Andrew Santino]

Hard sentence, for God's sakes. Well, you can't be like, that's what they told us. I was like, well, I'm just gonna.

[Alex McMullen]

Stick with my girl and then marry her.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Drunk. Wait, what?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, now you can just. Your wife drunk, though, right? That's not right.

[Alex McMullen]

But even that, I'm like, what about the guy who.

[Jordan Jensen]

His wife. And she had Alzheimer's. Whoa. And then somebody called the cops.

[Alex McMullen]

Wait, that's the thing.

[Jordan Jensen]

Do you think if you get married, it should be illegal? No.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Solid rule.

[Alex McMullen]

They had to make this a law. They had to make that a law. Where they were like, like, there's a comedy documentary I saw way back in the day, and it was like, comedy around the world. There was a guy in Africa, and he was like, a warlord. And he's like, I love standup comedy. And so he does comedy for, like, the troops in the warlord thing. And one of his jokes, like, this was like his big closer. He goes, so I met this guy, and he was like, I.

[Ad Reader]

My wife.

[Alex McMullen]

And I was like, how? And, like, it crushed. And all the guys in this tribe were like, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

What?

[Alex McMullen]

They were like, how? It's not possible. How is it possible? And so then everyone's like, all right, we got to make a law. Yeah, you can. It's possible to do bad things to your own wife, and you shouldn't do it. And then. All right, fine.

[Jordan Jensen]

Totally. I think it's possible to have many out in the world, like the guy who always demands the long hug. It's a little mini. You know, sometimes the fist bumps, the amount of fist bumps somebody throws at you. Little mini. So many. So many. You know, the guy who just always is there with the fist bump.

[Andrew Santino]

Funny is I offered her one fist bump earlier, and I saw her look at it, and I saw. She thinks I'm on a. I feel bad.

[Jordan Jensen]

What about a high five? That's jail.

[Andrew Santino]

When I met you, I was like, I'm a hugger.

[Jordan Jensen]

And I was like, no, hugging's good. I mean, the unattractive guy that's like, bring it in as soon as you show up to work. And you're like, fuck, now I have to hug Jim for 45 seconds. Yeah, totally.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. There is also a guy thing that happens with this, though. Like, guys will just dap each other up too many times.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, really?

[Alex McMullen]

Especially if you're drinking a little bit.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, I Didn't know that because you'll.

[Alex McMullen]

Be like, yo, later, dude. And they'll be like, yo, by the way, let me know about the thing. You're like, yeah, for sure when you're leaving.

[Andrew Santino]

Cuz no one ever leaves. Right when they say, oh, I didn't know too many. There's multiple daps is a thing.

[Alex McMullen]

And then guys will say bye to the rest of the group and they go, anyway, bro, I'll see you there. And that was like the third one in two minutes.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's like, oh, okay. This is a thing. You all agree. Too many daps. Yeah, that's okay. That's nice that you also have to deal with this.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm so afraid of white women. I don't even really tug them.

[Jordan Jensen]

I will.

[Andrew Santino]

I will only dep.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know. It's really fun in the meet and greet line when people take pictures of me. Their hand is just hovering.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. If I take a picture with a girl, almost always the hand is above this.

[Jordan Jensen]

There's nothing.

[Andrew Santino]

It's not touching.

[Jordan Jensen]

Mona's very funny comic just closes his fist like this in every photo.

[Alex McMullen]

You got to do the kiana. You've seen when he takes photos, what does he do? Keanu Reeves will, like, hover hand and he just like. He'll just like, stand there like this. The wiggle, wiggle hands so they don't.

[Jordan Jensen]

Have to touch kids.

[Alex McMullen]

See, I feel like that's overcompensating. Yeah, you got to watch out for those people.

[Andrew Santino]

I throw right here.

[Jordan Jensen]

Don't touch.

[Andrew Santino]

Just so if. If someone's like, oh, he was a creeping meet and greet. It's like, pull up the picture. I didn't do it.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, wow.

[Andrew Santino]

That's solid.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's solid right there.

[Alex McMullen]

Go to the quadrant one because that's got like four of them in a row. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's tricky for him, though, because look how close women always want to get.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, he's hot. I don't have that issue.

[Alex McMullen]

One of the hottest, nicest guys ever. So he's like, yeah, I gotta, you know, play it safe.

[Jordan Jensen]

Women at meet and greets sometimes will just grab onto your shirt because they're so drunk and they're falling over. Have you ever had that happen where they're clutching onto you because they're so wasted and you're like, they're.

[Andrew Santino]

I had to happen once or twice. Once a girl, I was like. And then she was like, yeah, your wife doesn't mind? I was like, yes, the she does, you know, my wife, dude, happen to.

[Alex McMullen]

You like A couple. Man and man and woman. They'll come up to you. Well, that. But, like, the woman will just be so touchy, and then the guy will be there. And I'm like, can we not. Like, I don't know how to handle.

[Jordan Jensen]

Where a guy is being touchy and the woman.

[Alex McMullen]

The girl's being touchy, but, like, switching.

[Jordan Jensen]

Genders, the guy will be touchy and the girl. No. No man is. Feels comfortable touching me. That's zero. Boyfriends, Father. None of them people I love. None of them. All of them are like, is this all right? Is this okay?

[Alex McMullen]

Okay, but do girls ever come on to you?

[Jordan Jensen]

And then, yes, the girls are crazy.

[Andrew Santino]

In front of the boyfriends.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my God. And the boyfriend will be like, she really wants to have sex with you. And I'll be like, sorry, sorry that your girlfriend wants to cheat on you. And they're like, I don't consider women people. And I go.

[Alex McMullen]

You do kind of have like. Like swinger third energy. I feel like, where people will see you and they'll be like, oh, she will obviously be down. And then I'm sure you could probably.

[Jordan Jensen]

People think I'm down for anything.

[Andrew Santino]

That sounded like an insult.

[Alex McMullen]

No, because you talk so much about sex, and then you have, like, this masculine energy. People are like, oh, she's obviously down to join our thruffle.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Everything I'm saying about sex is how much I don't enjoy it. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. She literally said that I don't really like sex.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't like it that much. It makes me have the we're all chimps thing.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. It makes me be like, this is so stupid. I saw meth addicts doing this on the subway. This is so dumb that we think we're so cool.

[Alex McMullen]

But then you also talk about how addicted you are to sex. So which one is.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, addicted to. I'm addicted to love. And I use sex to get to love. I am not addicted to sex. I do not jerk off. I do not watch porn. I do not.

[Andrew Santino]

Just a means to an end.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, it's a means to an end. I'll do anything to get somebody to be like, I'll stay forever. And turns out if you blow dudes, you can suck the cum straight out of their balls for a year and a half. They still don't stay.

[Alex McMullen]

Damn.

[Jordan Jensen]

You think that. You think you go, I'm going to pull all of the semen out of this man, and then we'll get married. No. Maybe it's actually worse.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, it's actually worse.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. You have to say, no, you can't come on me all the time. Yeah. And then they go, oh, I respect you.

[Alex McMullen]

You gotta be like a trad wife.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

If you went full trad wife, I feel like that would suck.

[Jordan Jensen]

I've gone full trad wife. I've done the tradwife thing. Yeah, I did it. I did the running seven miles a day, making oatmeal in the morning. I did the trad wife thing. I tried, but then, you know, but.

[Alex McMullen]

Then you got to say, no. Sex before marriage.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's the.

[Alex McMullen]

The ultimate one.

[Jordan Jensen]

That would be great. I would love that. No, sex for marriage would be awesome. The build up would be great.

[Andrew Santino]

And I think sex is actually an impediment to finding love.

[Jordan Jensen]

I agree.

[Andrew Santino]

For you.

[Jordan Jensen]

But you're not told that growing up. You know what I mean? You look at your friends having sex and you go, they have a boyfriend because they're having sex. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Break up with them.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. You think that it is now I finally learned that. That men will put their dicks in. In anything.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

But, yeah, you have to wait. But sometimes it's hard to wait because then you think, if you do it. Why do I not wait? Typically I not wait because. Yeah, there's this subconscious thing of, like, I'm gonna lock it in because if we have sex, he'll be, like, slightly indebted, which doesn't happen.

[Andrew Santino]

Yo, you should read that Steve Harvey book, Think Like a Man. Was it Act Like a Lady? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Steve Harvey wrote a whole book. I genuinely don't know what it is, but I've seen this.

[Andrew Santino]

You're not supposed to have sex with men for like 30, 40 days. Something like that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Make them really, really.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

What does Steve Harvey know about this? I don't know what the is going on.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, don't do that. That don't work. Act like a lady, think like a man. You're not going to trust this guy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Why is a man writing that book?

[Alex McMullen]

Because he knows how to think like a man.

[Andrew Santino]

How men think. This is how I got you.

[Jordan Jensen]

I got you.

[Andrew Santino]

How you need to navigate.

[Jordan Jensen]

This is how.

[Andrew Santino]

How we really are. No man is going to be honest about how we are. And if you have sex with them too early, I think he's like, they're going to lose interest and they won't tell you that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, there's also the problem that as a woman, you get attracted. Attracted to men who aren't into you. Like, then you get aroused. You know what I mean? You get slightly aroused when A guy's like, I don't know if I'm feeling this. So I think you subconsciously are like, well, maybe if I have sex with him, he'll like me. But I think a subconscious. Subconsciously, you're like, I kind of want to. This guy because he reminds me of my upbringing, you know? Yeah, a little bit. Where he's like, I don't know. If I feel this. You go, you'll feel something. You're gonna feel something.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, you've heard the adage, like, that. They told us this in Bible study. Like, women use sex to get love, and then men use love to get sex.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's fucked up.

[Andrew Santino]

That was in your Bible study.

[Jordan Jensen]

You guys have such a better gender. That sounds so much more fun. Ours is so pathetic. You know what I mean? Yours is so cool. You use sex. You have sex with somebody. Wait, what do you use sex for?

[Alex McMullen]

You use love. You're like, oh, I love you, baby. You're the only one for me just to get sex and then you're done. Whereas women will be like, but what.

[Jordan Jensen]

Do you use to get love?

[Alex McMullen]

Just push it down. You don't need love.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, okay.

[Andrew Santino]

No love.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's nice. That's nice.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, that's good. We need it so bad.

[Alex McMullen]

And then you use sex to get love, and then men get the love, and then. Or then they give the love and then they get the sex on their out. This is what they told in Bible study.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know. Bible study? Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Dude.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

He's trying to convert you right now.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know. Are you religious?

[Alex McMullen]

I grew up very religious.

[Jordan Jensen]

Are you?

[Alex McMullen]

And then now I'm, like, casually religious, but I'm the most religious person of any of my friends.

[Jordan Jensen]

Do you believe there's a God?

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

A guy man?

[Andrew Santino]

I mean, yes.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

But, like, why?

[Alex McMullen]

Why? I think it's like a consciousness, probably.

[Jordan Jensen]

But that's not religion. I hate this.

[Andrew Santino]

No, God is a man.

[Jordan Jensen]

He's. Dude.

[Alex McMullen]

We make it a man because we write it.

[Andrew Santino]

We make it a man because out of their vaginas once a month. Why would God do that if he was a man or if he was a woman? If God was a woman, he would.

[Jordan Jensen]

Be like, hey, babies.

[Guest Woman]

You don't do.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, because he don't want. He's like, men shouldn't have to go through that.

[Jordan Jensen]

No way. You guys are a little tool. Your drone bees. You go up to the queen. Why is the bee a queen? Woman runs the whole hive. We do everything. Yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

He Gives you.

[Jordan Jensen]

You guys are literally warriors.

[Andrew Santino]

That's why God is a man. He gives you all the responsibility.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, you guys don't know anything. You have no foresight. You don't have intuition. What is ignorance? Huh? Bliss.

[Andrew Santino]

He made us like that.

[Jordan Jensen]

He made you like that because. So that you can serve. I'm sorry. She made you like that so you can serve. You have to serve. You have to go build the things we say. We don't build. Not anymore you don't, because you've lost God.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, no, I found God and I still can't use a hammer.

[Jordan Jensen]

Wait, does Hindi think it's a dude?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, Well, I mean, we have one like, slice, like life. Formless. I would assume he's formless. Yeah, or like an elephant, but yeah, but the avatars of Ganesh or. Yeah, that's also a man.

[Jordan Jensen]

Is Ganesha man, basically.

[Andrew Santino]

There are goddesses, though. Lakshmi is a goddess, a goddess of wealth. So there are goddesses, But.

[Alex McMullen]

Come on. But they're goddesses because they're married to. To God. They are with men.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, really?

[Andrew Santino]

No, no, no.

[Alex McMullen]

They're goddesses, but they always have these, like, these trists with like.

[Jordan Jensen]

You think it's a guy?

[Alex McMullen]

No, I think it's consciousness. I think it's love.

[Jordan Jensen]

Everybody that's not religious. You're not religious. Everybody thinks that there's conscious that everybody knows that everything's in connect.

[Andrew Santino]

Bro, stop it.

[Jordan Jensen]

I like that. I like that you have a. A hard take. I. I don't like when people say they're religious and they just believe what every single person believes.

[Alex McMullen]

You're hardcore Catholic and, well, he's manifested as a guy in the. In Jesus. Right?

[Andrew Santino]

Heavenly wife.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, you're a Jesus guy.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, grew up Catholic.

[Jordan Jensen]

You don't think Jesus is just a guy who did a good job?

[Alex McMullen]

No, he definitely. Definitely was that.

[Jordan Jensen]

But you think he died for your sins and all that. No, you don't.

[Andrew Santino]

He does. Really, he does.

[Alex McMullen]

I mean, like I said.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's okay.

[Andrew Santino]

Stand on it. 10 toes. Let me ask you a question. Oh, heavenly. Fill that blanket. Oh, heavenly father.

[Alex McMullen]

Ah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

And interesting.

[Alex McMullen]

Why not Mother?

[Andrew Santino]

Why not? Oh, heavenly. Non binary.

[Jordan Jensen]

Intuitively. No, it is a woman, Right? Like a little bit.

[Andrew Santino]

I mean it.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, really? You really don't?

[Andrew Santino]

No, because yalls like God has a penis, son. Manufacturing defects all over y'.

[Jordan Jensen]

All. What defects?

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, the period. Once a month.

[Jordan Jensen]

What?

[Andrew Santino]

A.

[Jordan Jensen]

The period is not supposed to happen. It's supposed to bring life. Like God.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, that's what he tells you. Also because you don't. So you don't get mad and not believe in him.

[Jordan Jensen]

You guys think that God has a penis and balls instead of boobs and a vagina? Yes.

[Alex McMullen]

Just talking about the yeast infection, the UTIs.

[Jordan Jensen]

You have sweaty, disgusting balls and wash them right off.

[Ad Reader]

We actually enjoy ourselves every once in a while.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh yeah, no, they smell good to me, but I know, I know, like objectively it's a bad smell, but I don't.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, you kind of sniff it.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, kind of, Kind of every time.

[Alex McMullen]

But you think God has a vagina, like menstruates.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't believe in God, but I think if there was a God, it would definitely be a woman.

[Andrew Santino]

You think God would give herself a period?

[Jordan Jensen]

I, I think God said rain. God, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Every time it rains, I think God. God is shedding his.

[Jordan Jensen]

If God was a woman, God wouldn't have her period because she would be constantly giving birth. It'd be birth of life. You know, I think the blood is.

[Alex McMullen]

You know, and make pregnancy that you.

[Andrew Santino]

Guys don't do anything. You can't make your vaginas split open.

[Ad Reader]

Why would a female God do that to you?

[Jordan Jensen]

Because. Oh, you think we're being punished?

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, no.

[Andrew Santino]

God gave us the, the easy life, cuz he's one of us. He knows what's up.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's the homie. Stupid, stupid. You don't do anything. God does everything. God is a complicated existence of birth and blood and pain and suffering. God takes on a lot of. A lot of. You guys are drone bees. You're just drone bees. You just give semen. You're not supposed to do anything. You're not even supposed to be a part of the child's life. You go out, hunt, drag it back and we go, go, go, go.

[Andrew Santino]

If God is a woman, she definitely likes men more. If God is a woman, I can land on that.

[Jordan Jensen]

She knows you can't handle. If you guys bled every. What you. I can't corn this week at my period. That'd be you?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that would be. We would complain all the time.

[Jordan Jensen]

Period. But that's why she did that. She had to. She just. Because she gives up. It's like saying an ant.

[Andrew Santino]

You guys are God.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like an ant doesn't know.

[Alex McMullen]

Right?

[Jordan Jensen]

An ant doesn't bleed. An ant doesn't do anything. Right. God is not an ant.

[Andrew Santino]

God.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know what I mean?

[Andrew Santino]

That's an interesting point, right?

[Jordan Jensen]

God is not a bacteria or whatever, a mosquito.

[Andrew Santino]

How come you're like, life sucks then?

[Jordan Jensen]

Because it's complicated. Way More complicated being a woman. Way more pressure, way more responsibility. Cuz we're literal gods.

[Alex McMullen]

To give her a point, like God gives his God or anything. But God battles to his strongest people. What does it say?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. What is it?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, God gives his strongest test to his toughest test. To his strongest. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

How are you guys tested? Oh, I can't come today.

[Alex McMullen]

We got to deal with y'.

[Jordan Jensen]

All.

[Ad Reader]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Fucking great counter.

[Jordan Jensen]

That was really tough.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

And also men bring life. Like without men, you guys wouldn't have any babies.

[Jordan Jensen]

Right? That's true.

[Alex McMullen]

Right.

[Jordan Jensen]

I really truly don't believe that God is a person or that there is a God. I think we know what there is. You know what it is? Nobody actually believes in God. Nobody actually. Come on, do you believe in God?

[Alex McMullen]

No, I believe in just the higher power.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, say what is that?

[Andrew Santino]

That's God.

[Jordan Jensen]

The higher power is that there's something that knows more than us. Yeah. It could be the energy, the world. It could be yourself.

[Alex McMullen]

Like you guys try to define like make it a person or make it a being. Like I don't make it a being.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, there's no way it's a being. Or else it could be an ant or mosquito. No.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's when you trip hard balls and you go, oh my God, I'm such an idiot. We are all connected. Everything is all of the same.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm fairly certain all religions, at the end of the day, God is three things. Was omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient. So omnipresent is everywhere. And that can't be a form that can't have a male form or a female form. Yeah, but if it was one, it would definitely be a man.

[Jordan Jensen]

No way. You guys don't know anything. You're not, you can't. You can only think about one thing at a time. Women can think about everything over think about everything. We have to overthink we're dealing with humanity.

[Andrew Santino]

Some might say the old Some might say, you're so smart.

[Jordan Jensen]

A woman get hook a baby from their womb up to their boob while they're juggling a million other things. They're dealing with your whack ass. They're doing and not be like, that is a connection.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm like, how can such an inferior creature do something?

[Jordan Jensen]

The only way we're inferior is we have a built in thing in our brain that tells us that we need you.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, that is true.

[Jordan Jensen]

Ruins us. Ruins us. If we could unlock that thing that goes, I actually don't need A man. But it's very built in, or else you guys would be completely insignificant. I mean, we would hang out with you, but we would not mate with you. We would not.

[Alex McMullen]

But this is how men were for years. We were like, yeah, we don't need women. Like, women are just for kids. And then we hang out with each other. And that's how it was for probably all of human.

[Jordan Jensen]

It doesn't talk about the history of those women, but they were chilling. They were chilling, dude. Roman empire women. Oh, my God. Raising a. Raising one kid in a fucking epicurean garden together. So much better.

[Andrew Santino]

If you guys are into that. I think we could all. We could all agree to that. Like, everybody who changed that.

[Alex McMullen]

Y' all are the ones that changed it.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, God, you did it.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, you guys want to start working, like, doing stuff?

[Jordan Jensen]

No, you guys said one partner forever and monogamy and all of that. Religious. Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

We didn't see.

[Andrew Santino]

You guys, like, Christians, I think.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, Christians.

[Alex McMullen]

But when in Christian world it was men and women, it was separate and everyone.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, it's your male God up there telling us what to do.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I don't believe in one partner for me. For her.

[Ad Reader]

Yes.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, yeah, I believe in that. Just if she made more money than me, then, you know, maybe it would go the other way.

[Jordan Jensen]

But you could be monogamous and still have women raise the children. Children together. You know what I mean? You could do it Mexican style. Mexican style is good.

[Alex McMullen]

Like a fast food order.

[Jordan Jensen]

Is it Mexican stuff?

[Alex McMullen]

Double. Double Mexican stuff.

[Jordan Jensen]

Little Mexican guy comes in, impregnates the woman, and then she has nine kids. When she raised with her abuela, her mom. Her. You know what I mean? It's all one troop and a bunch of other Mexican ladies while they do. Oh, stuff with corn.

[Ad Reader]

Yeah, yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

And they stitch things.

[Jordan Jensen]

They stitch stuff.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, my God. Yeah. It is nice, you guys.

[Jordan Jensen]

And they go off and roof. Yeah, Good. That's nice.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah. I mean, I was thinking about this. Every powerful dude in history, like, up until recently had a harem, right? Like, if you were the king, you had like multiple women and concubines.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's still how it is, Epstein.

[Alex McMullen]

That's the thing. What happened is that now there's too many people that have power. Back in the day, was one dude per country. Yeah, it was only one guy per country. And he had a harem. And it worked. But now with capitalism, everyone can get money. If you have enough money, then you can get a harem. And so now everyone's got harems.

[Jordan Jensen]

I Think a harem is fine so long as they're. It's at their own will. You can have a harem.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, I guess. How many is a harem? Like, plus, like, three plus three plus?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I would say.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I even say three.

[Andrew Santino]

Do I have to emotionally be there.

[Alex McMullen]

For any of them? No. The whole point of harem is that you're not.

[Andrew Santino]

Love that.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

That's awesome.

[Jordan Jensen]

Spartan had, like, them chained up.

[Andrew Santino]

No, that's. No, Come on. They need to be able to get the. Out of my face.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Go somewhere. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't want to hear about.

[Jordan Jensen]

You got to go shower.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

And they would all hang with each other. I'm pretty sure. Like, all the girls, like, they would gallivant around.

[Jordan Jensen]

Did Cleopatra have a harem of men? Was there any women?

[Andrew Santino]

I would be okay with her having a harem of men? She's very powerful.

[Alex McMullen]

I doubt it, but let's look it up.

[Andrew Santino]

I think that's fair. That's fair.

[Jordan Jensen]

We don't want that many of you guys around. Gross. Yeah, Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

I don't. Yeah, I don't. I just don't think women are designed stinky with that.

[Andrew Santino]

We are.

[Alex McMullen]

She allegedly kept an entire harem of handsome young men, says one historical source. And then there's another historical source that says, no, not at all. So we're going to go with yes. Yeah. That's awesome.

[Jordan Jensen]

Women are just effective in that. Dude. Frida Kahlo had was, like, in love with her husband, whatever his name was. What was his name? Whatever. The famous painter. And her whole thing was like, don't ever be too attached to your husband. And then he fucked her sister and she just, like, begged for him back or something and got like, spina bifida or something like that.

[Alex McMullen]

There's no.

[Jordan Jensen]

If women could just get rid of that little defect, we would be the best.

[Alex McMullen]

Cuz that unibrow, man, she just got it.

[Andrew Santino]

Plucked.

[Jordan Jensen]

His sister. Her sister. Yeah, totally. Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

That was the tricky thing with second wave feminism is that y' all were like, oh, we're just going to be men. But y' all didn't want to be men. You wanted to be women in charge. But instead, women were like, oh, we're going to be.

[Jordan Jensen]

See, I miss second wave.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't know the waves, to be honest with you. I don't know.

[Jordan Jensen]

I miss the hair. The waxing is getting crazy. I thought it was so hot. Hot when women had the vaginal hairs, armpit hair and stuff.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, the armpit hair.

[Alex McMullen]

I don't mind armpit Hair, I think it's kind of attractive because it's never that much. It's like, always the smallest little thing, like, whatever. It's, like, feminine. It's like womanly armpit hair.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Wait, it doesn't get bushy?

[Jordan Jensen]

Not like yours, no.

[Alex McMullen]

Oh, okay. Like, woman with leg hair is like. It's not like if they're just like, hair, see, light. Do you shave your legs?

[Jordan Jensen]

No.

[Alex McMullen]

Like, that's what. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Right there. Nothing there.

[Alex McMullen]

That's what it is.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

But the pubes, that becomes an afro.

[Jordan Jensen]

It depends.

[Andrew Santino]

Like, that gets mushy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, it depends. But we don't really like it to be that bushy. You know what I mean? We like to keep it trim. Yeah. But I do think hair needs to come back. It is crazy. And I think second wave feminism, where we were trying to be men. I agree with you. We were cutting our hair. But there's also something about being a man that's actually more comfortable. Like, you guys have a more comfortable existence.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know what I mean?

[Andrew Santino]

Our whole existence is being comforted.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Right.

[Jordan Jensen]

So us being a man. Man means, like, we were trying to be comfortable, and now people are thinking they're feminist. And I'm like, I don't know if you can be a feminist in the high heels. I'm not sure if I can. I'm not sure, you know, I mean, I guess you can because you get to do whatever you want because you're a woman. And I'm learning this, that you're a woman. I can't say women aren't feminist, even though they're being a woman. But sometimes, sometimes with high heels, you're.

[Andrew Santino]

Saying women don't want to take accountability.

[Alex McMullen]

Surprising.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

But I think there's certain traits of men that women disagree, want to be a part of that. They thought that, like, men, like, like, like, like CEOs, like, there's like, no empathy. They're like narcissists. And so women were like, oh, we'll do that. And then they were like, oh, fuck, I don't want to fire this person that has to take care of their kid.

[Jordan Jensen]

Right.

[Alex McMullen]

And then they were like, well, I have this pantsuit on, so I have to do it.

[Jordan Jensen]

I just feel like men, you guys, should do so much stuff. But I do think that the overall leader should be a woman. I do. I do think it. The lawyers and the cutthroat people and the engineers fine being men, but the president, I do think should be A woman should be the hive keeper.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay, tell me about this.

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, I think senators and all that, all of the drone bees honestly should be men. But I think the overall leader should be somebody who can operate with empathy, with, you know, with all of the things that women can do. Okay. And foresight and future thinking and obsessive thoughts. That should be president.

[Alex McMullen]

Right.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like somebody who's going to be like, I'm not opposed.

[Alex McMullen]

The matriarch does a good job.

[Jordan Jensen]

Matriarch does do a good job. And I just think that, Yeah. I think the military, the defense person, man, you know what I mean? The head of engineer, man, you know, mean what I. I mean. But the one, the hive leader that's like, you guys need to eat enough protein today. You know what I mean? Like, you can't have cookies before dinner.

[Alex McMullen]

The hostess with the most is.

[Jordan Jensen]

The hostess with the most is. That should be a woman. The one. You know what I mean? The one who's like, you can't. You have to have a new pillowcase. You have to get any.

[Alex McMullen]

There's something to that. Cuz we all kind of acknowledge the president doesn't really do. And so if like it's just going to be kind of a figurehead, having a woman that's kind of able to be diplomatic and nice.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. And not want to see kids die. Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

You know, I think this is an easy sell. I bet you get people on board with this.

[Andrew Santino]

No. Yeah. I think this is a very sellable thing.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm not really about the easy sells, if you haven't noticed. I bury those down. It's the really upsells that I'm interested in getting people.

[Andrew Santino]

That's why we love you, dude. That's what makes you so funny.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah, that's true.

[Andrew Santino]

Jordan, anything else you want to plug before we go?

[Jordan Jensen]

We got B and E, rip watch, rip. It's more philosophy based. Podcast. Watch, watch B. And it's a silly, silly podcast. Take me with you. This is my special. Go watch it right now.

[Andrew Santino]

Go stream it on Netflix.

[Alex McMullen]

Can I ask you one last thing?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Alex McMullen]

Just a story that I think would be good to kind of to end on. You did stand up at your father's funeral.

[Jordan Jensen]

Did I?

[Alex McMullen]

Is that true?

[Jordan Jensen]

I on accident.

[Alex McMullen]

Can you tell us what happened? Oh, whoa.

[Jordan Jensen]

My father's funeral. I had just started stand up and I was supposed to be. I was supposed to just be like giving a speech about how sad I was that my dad died, but I ended up just throwing bits out at everybody and what I say when I Do stand up.

[Alex McMullen]

You started roasting people.

[Jordan Jensen]

I started roasting people. Everybody I talked to, I kept doing bits because I had pushed down the fact that my dad died, and so I couldn't. I remember I was wearing the blazer that I was wearing at the time, doing standup. And, like, for instance, there were this. All of my dad's ex girlfriends were there, and one of them was like, I did dated Jack. Like, they were meeting each other, and I was standing with them. And one was like, I was dating Jack in the spring of 91 to the fall. And the other girl was like, wait, I was also dating Jack in the spring of 91. And I just walked up to them and, like, put my arms down and went, what are you guys gonna do? Kill him? And walked away. Like, I was doing that everywhere, dude. And it was crazy. I couldn't stop cracking jokes about the Viagra that my dad had and all the weed. And it was. Yeah, it was inappropriate. It was inappropriate.

[Andrew Santino]

And we had coping. Dude, you got to cope.

[Alex McMullen]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

And. And I had a giant pig roast at the funeral, but I didn't know how to, like, dress it or pull it or anything, so it just looked like we were at a pig's funeral. It was so bad. It was, like, in the middle. My dad was cremated, so there was no body. So it was just all of us gathered around this dead pig and being like, we loved him. It was really brutal. It was crazy.

[Andrew Santino]

Jordan Jensen, guys, thank you so much for coming.

[Jordan Jensen]

You're awesome. Thank you.