Shapiro’s Eyebrows, Chalamet Should Learn from Leo, & Are Jamaicans Irish? | #695

Summary

Andrew Schulz’s Flagrant with Akaash Singh

Episode #695: Shapiro’s Eyebrows, Chalamet Should Learn from Leo, & Are Jamaicans Irish?

Date: March 11, 2026

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Episode Overview

This riotous and rapid-fire episode of Flagrant, hosted by Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh (with AlexxMedia and Mark Gagnon), is classic Flagrant chaos: riffing on current culture (from political outrage to the minutiae of dad life), drugs, dumb internet myths, celebrity etiquette, and even linguistics, all with their trademark irreverence. Highlights include a hilarious rundown of Timothée Chalamet’s PR blunders, wild speculation on Leo DiCaprio’s dating habits, the “Jamaicans are Irish?” rabbit hole, and, of course, the general mayhem of comedian hangout energy.

Special guest Joey Avery joins the hang, dropping in stories about comedy, drug trips, and sharing insights from his new special.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Danny's Organ Transplant Miracle

[00:00–03:20]

• Updates from beloved Flagrant Patreon member Danny, recovering after a double transplant (heart & liver). His first words post-surgery amuse the crew, who riff on how his accent has changed post-operation: "Did you take that heart from the Bodies exhibit? This is the first time he sounded Asian." – Andrew [01:05]
• The gang compares motorcyclists, crime rates, and organ donation stats in typically dark comic fashion.
  • "You want to be in a place where people get shot a lot if you need a heart." – Andrew [02:44]
  • “You don’t want to be in Boulder, Colorado, or Tokyo. Not enough good hearts.” – Andrew [03:16]

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2. Dad Life & Deadbeat Parenting

[04:43–05:37]

• Andrew and Akaash commiserate about feeling like "deadbeat dads" to their newborns.
  • “I’m ignoring that kid. I just hang out with Shiloh all day.” – Andrew [05:00]
  • “He’s a deadbeat kid until six months.” – Akaash [05:27]
• Philosophize (comedically) on the difference between caring for newborns and older kids.
  • “You should be mad at him. You should be holding a grudge.” – Akaash [05:32]

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3. The Middle East is Consuming Andrew

[06:00–12:10]

• Andrew opens up about obsessing over Middle Eastern politics, to the bemusement of the group.
  • “Middle Eastern politics is so EASY.” [06:08]
  • “Monday morning quarterbacking the war from bed after a four-hour nap.” – Andrew [06:00]
• Joey Avery enters, introduced as a "war correspondent."
  • “I do feel like people listening to war content fills the sports gap. Like, I miss football.” – Joey [09:48]

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4. Timothée Chalamet: When White Boy of the Month Overextends

[12:26–16:06]

• The current state of American “culture wars” is dismissed as soft (example: the outrage over Timmy Chalamet's ballet/opera take).
  • “The culture war has gone soft.” – Akaash [12:57]
• The panel ridicules how Chalamet’s PR campaign stumbled after movie promo, drawing contrasts to Leonardo DiCaprio's silence.
  • “You can only go down from White Boy of the Month.” – Andrew [13:25]
  • “If you want a long career in entertainment, never talk on a podcast.” – Andrew [15:01]
• DiCaprio’s legendary silence (except about dating young women) is dissected:
  • “He perfected it. You never hear him talking.” – Andrew [13:55]
  • “If he was dating women his age, I’d shoot him. It’s Leonardo DiCaprio!” – Andrew [16:36]

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5. The Comfort of “Outdoor Boys” & Fantasizing About Camping

[21:00–24:33]

• Andrew confesses his stress-coping mechanism is watching “Outdoor Boys” (YouTube family survival/building content).
  • “That’s my comfort show. When he makes that dough on the shovel with honey butter—nothing better.” – Andrew [21:54]
• The group mocks their collective inability to survive “alone” in nature, given their city habits and luxuries.
  • “I wouldn’t last a day in the woods.” – Alex [25:03]

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6. History Hot Takes: Women’s Suffrage and World Wars

[27:18–31:02]

• A tongue-in-cheek argument is made linking women’s right to vote in 1920 and the start of endless wars.
  • “We’ve been at war ever since women could vote!” – Andrew [27:51]
  • “Before that, only one war—to free you guys!” – Andrew [28:37]
• Running joke that “political talk” triggers a charity banner on clip-outs.

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7. Charity Banner Bit & Getting Clipped Online

[44:47–47:20]

• Any time political conversation happens, Andrew insists a massive charity banner (Food Bank, IVF causes, etc.) run on the screen, so if a controversial clip goes viral, "at least it promotes something good."
  • "If you are going to clip us and do videos about it, at least support some great causes." – Andrew [46:12]

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8. Reddit Hypotheticals: Dogs, Babies, & NYC Living

[48:18–53:46]

• Debate: Is someone an asshole for not stopping their dog from waking up a neighbor’s baby with barking?
  • "If you live in a building that allows dogs, it's like living with Caribbean people—there's going to be noise when you don’t want it." – Andrew [52:13]
  • “You can’t train a dog not to bark. Like training a wife not to talk.” – Alex [51:39]
• Spawns riffs comparing gentrification, party neighbors, influencers disturbing newborns, and the code of city living.

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9. Drug Talk: Coke, Molly, Edibles, and Hangover Horror Stories

[54:55–68:08]

• The group shares their attitudes and (sometimes) horror stories about cocaine, ecstasy, and edibles.
  • “Ecstasy: I want the pill with all the other crazy—NOT fentanyl, but throw in a little meth!” – Andrew [58:50]
  • “Al on a Molly hangover is the funniest thing.” – Mark [61:00]
  • “Wheat edibles are underrated for how up you can get…like, psychologically out to lunch.” – Joey [66:54]
• Stories of introspection, vulnerability, and wild emotional swings while on drugs.

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10. The “Jamaicans Are Irish?” Segment

[71:34–74:43]

• The viral clip of an Irish politician speaking with a Jamaican-like accent sparks a discussion on the origins of Jamaican patois.
  • “Jamaican accent and patois developed from 17th-century Creole, blending British, Irish dialects with West African languages.” – Andrew reading Google [73:21]
  • “I think the Irish probably deserve some reparations.” – Andrew [73:44]
• Embarrassing late-night thoughts about race, evolution, and freckles elicit cackles and more charity banner jokes.

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11. Wine, Gifts, and Social Etiquette

[77:49–83:43]

• Reddit hypothetical: Should you Venmo a friend for drinking your expensive wine?
  • “If you say help yourself, you can’t be mad. But the classy thing is to replace it.” – Andrew [79:00]
• Mark defends gifting Andrew a collectible Lenny Kravitz Dom Perignon for his wedding—and what counts as true gift effort.

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12. Beer Science: Catfish Myth & How Guinness Works

[84:01–89:43]

• The group unpacks the myth that catfish were put in beer barrels to keep other fish alive en route to India, eventually googling to find the actual answer.
  • “There’s something about the catfish…there is a truth we have to figure out.” – Andrew [90:13]
• They also celebrate the “Nitrogen Nation” (Guinness nitrogen widget fandom).

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13. Acting, Friends vs. Seinfeld Lifestyles, and TV Diversity

[93:11–96:48]

• Joey plugs his new role on “Bad Monkey” (with Vince Vaughn, Bill Lawrence's new Apple show) [93:20].
• Terse and funny analysis of how “Friends” and “Seinfeld” depict (white) NYC; noting more black representation in Seinfeld.
  • “Seinfeld—way more [black people]!” – Andrew [96:03]

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14. Flagrant Physical Comedy: Nuts & Hemorrhoids

[100:10–108:44]

• Andrew shares a bizarre “solo cream pie” story of pinching off ejaculation; the crew riffs on the physiological aftermath.
  • “Can I be honest? I think that’s why my sperm doesn’t swim—because they're like, what’s the point?” – Andrew [100:28]
• Ends with stories about hemorrhoids, sex, and the redemptive experience of getting your gooch licked (“goddess energy”).

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “If you want a long career in entertainment, you don’t talk on podcasts.” – Andrew [15:01]
• “Dogs bark. Having a child is accepting crying.” – Andrew [50:36]
• “We’ve been at war ever since women could vote!” – Andrew [27:51]
• “If your building allows dogs, it’s like living with Caribbean people—there’s going to be noise when you don’t want it.” – Andrew [52:13]
• “Charlamagne is out here talking—Leo shuts his mouth. Follow Leo!” – Panel consensus [14:13]
• “The Irish probably deserve some reparations.” – Andrew [73:44]
• “Mark does have three choices here: Canada, France, America.” – Andrew [33:51]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–03:20 – Danny’s recovery update
• 04:43–05:37 – Parenting banter
• 06:00–12:10 – Middle East obsession
• 13:11–16:06 – Timothée Chalamet/White Boy of the Month
• 21:00–24:33 – Comfort shows & camping
• 27:18–31:02 – Women’s votes & world wars
• 44:47–47:20 – Charity-banners for political hot-takes
• 48:18–53:46 – Barking dogs vs. babies
• 54:55–68:08 – Drug stories (coke, ecstasy, edibles)
• 71:34–74:43 – Are Jamaicans Irish?
• 77:49–83:43 – Wine gift hypothetical
• 84:01–89:43 – Catfish in beer/Guinness widget
• 93:20–96:48 – Acting/Bill Lawrence/Friends vs. Seinfeld
• 100:10–108:44 – Physical comedy: nuts, cream pies, hemorrhoids

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Tone and Style

• Unfiltered, rapid, roast-heavy, and high-energy.
• Quick pivots between highbrow references (history, linguistics) and the crudest banter possible.
• Frequent self-deprecating asides about their own privilege, habits, and neuroses.

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Closing

The episode wraps up as guest Joey Avery plugs his new special (Joey Avery Live in San Francisco, find it on YouTube). As ever, Flagrant’s comedy is about pushing boundaries, satirizing the news, and drawing humor from the uncomfortable. Not for the sensitive—but essential for those who miss the glory days of wild, unscripted comics hanging out.

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For Further Listening/Watching

• Joey Avery Live in San Francisco (YouTube)
• Flagrant’s Patreon (for even spicier content)
• Previous episodes for more deranged Reddit hypotheticals, pop culture roasts, and infamous “banned” stories

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If you love rowdy, high-wire hangouts mixing current events, internet myths, and comedian oversharing—this is the pod.

Transcript

[A]

What's up, everybody? Welcome to flagrant boy. Schultze here. Alex. Media Marky Gags. We got a. We got an update from our patreon brother, Danny, who needed a new heart and a new liver, and he has been, I think, for about a week now, unable to talk. He was able to get a new heart and a new liver.

[B]

A miracle. Let's go, Danny.

[A]

Troy.

[B]

Let's go.

[A]

Detroit versus everybody. Detroit won again. So we got the first update. These are Danny's first words. Let's hear from Danny. Ser went well. Slowly getting back my strength. Day by day recovery. I really appreciate one vocal cord something. But he'll be back.

[C]

Any questions, let me know.

[B]

Let's go, Danny.

[A]

First of all, we. We are very excited Danny is back. Second of all, if some of you guys know Danny, Danny speaks with like a. He is like what? T grizzly accent.

[B]

Yeah, like a Detroit Real Detroit accent. Eight Mile.

[A]

And they must have put a Chinese liver in that because the Asian accent is back. Danny, you've gone to your roots, my boy. Did you take that hard? From the bodies exhibit, This is the first time he sounded Asian. Right? Play it again. We need to go to what he sounded like before when he had his. When they had the black heart. Get me an old Danny video, Miles,

[C]

cuz people need t grizzly. Before now he was Ying Yang twins.

[A]

See, See, you gotta. We gotta pivot the conversation to something more digestible.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, good for him, though.

[C]

That's awesome.

[A]

Shout out, Danny, man. Good for you. We're glad you're.

[B]

Wait, can we play his new voice again?

[A]

Oh, yeah, play his new voice.

[B]

It sounds like something. I can't tell exactly. I don't know enough movies.

[A]

Yo, vocal cords. But it'll be back.

[B]

It'll be back.

[C]

This nigga's Batman.

[B]

These sound like Transformers a little bit.

[A]

One second.

[D]

We're going to check the levels again.

[B]

We got it super cranked on that.

[A]

I'm the caped crusader. Our audio guy just came in. I was being critical of Danny's recording after he has a new heart, a new liver, and hasn't been able to speak for a week. Those are his first words.

[B]

Oh, the audio's all messed up. Oh, he's covering the microphone with his. Thank you. That's all. That's all it was.

[A]

That's very funny. Anyway, Danny, man, good luck with Ra's al Ghul and whoever going to be fighting over the next few movies. We appreciate you and we love you. Okay.

[B]

Damn good for Danny.

[A]

And he's back, man.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

I had a feeling he would get a heart. Man. I had a feeling we made it happen. Yeah, we did make it happen. I also feel like the crime rate in Detroit also made it happen. Like, you're gonna. If you need a new heart, don't you want to be in a place where people get shot a lot?

[B]

That's a good point.

[C]

That's like a dirty water heart, though.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you really want.

[C]

It's been a lot of.

[A]

They're not getting it from Flint, Michigan. They're getting it from Detroit.

[C]

I thought all of that.

[A]

All right, fair enough. We try.

[B]

There's got to be a correlation, right? Crime rate and, like, if you need new organs. Yeah.

[A]

You don't want to be in, like, a health. Like Boulder, Colorado, or, like, you don't want to be in Tokyo.

[B]

Are the best hearts.

[A]

They're the best, but you're not going to come by them that often. It's like a freak snowboarding accident, which

[C]

could happen rarely, but they have enough money to abduct people. And then you get a nice, clean, fresh heart.

[A]

There's a version there, but there's also a version where, you know, some organ donation nonprofit is paying inner city gangs to shoot each other so they can provide livers and hearts.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

For people that need it. I'm just putting that out there. I don't want Tyler Oliveira to do a research project on it. But, Tyler, if you're out there, this is possible. There might be something going on here.

[C]

He's doing the Lord's work, bro.

[A]

Which.

[B]

Which lord? Not Hashem's work.

[A]

Wtf? About to lose your.

[C]

We good? We're good.

[A]

Say again? You want to be around motorcyclists? You want to be around motorcyclists.

[B]

That's who donates the most. Oh, really? You're dark. That's nice of them.

[A]

Why? Because they get in the most accidents and then. Have you been on your motorcycle since your children? Your kid?

[B]

No.

[A]

Right. Is that interesting? Yeah.

[B]

In the garage.

[A]

And do you think you'll ever bike again?

[C]

Probably not.

[A]

How does your wife feel about that?

[B]

What, that my dreams are destroyed?

[A]

No, more. That, like, you'd be fine dying and leaving her alone, but now your children. That's kind of what it is, yeah.

[B]

Basically. Yeah. Well, she lives a lot of her life with that.

[A]

Me. So she's used to that.

[B]

Yeah. She can go back to it. You know, my kids only ever known me as a deadbeat, you know? You know what I mean? Like. Yeah. I can't abandon them now.

[A]

You know what I mean? I feel like. I feel like a deadbeat dad to my son. Oh, yeah?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm ignoring that kid. I just hang out with Shiloh all day.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And then he just, like, pops up. He'll, like, burp or throw up, and then I just hold him for a bit, and I'm like, this is way less fun than hanging around with her.

[B]

Yeah, but newborns are ignoring you. You know what I mean? Like, you ignore them, but they ignore you. He ignored you first.

[A]

But that shouldn't be the case. I should be just pouring into this little boy like I poured into Shiloh.

[B]

He don't want you, bro. Until six months. Until six months. Then you start to come around.

[A]

That's what he said.

[B]

He's a deadbeat kid. Until six months.

[A]

I love how you're reframing this. It makes me feel a lot better emotionally.

[B]

But you should be mad at him. You should be holding a grudge. And then he's gonna come around in six months. You'll be like, oh, now you want me?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, now you're coming around, huh?

[A]

No, that's a good way of framing it. I'd feel like a piece of shit that I'm not pouring in when he doesn't want me. That's the time that I should be showing up the most.

[B]

Skin to skin.

[A]

Skin to skin.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, they don't care, Right? That's what I tell myself.

[A]

I guess we could tell ourselves that.

[B]

I don't know. Did you figure out the Middle east, by the way? I heard? Yeah, yeah, we.

[A]

Yeah, we figured that shit out. That's easy. The Middle east is fucking easy.

[C]

It is.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Seems difficult.

[B]

Walking into the. Walking into the studio, you're just yelling at each other. Middle Eastern politics is so.

[A]

Yeah, but we got it all figured out, dude. I love playing Monday morning quarterback about what's happening in the Middle East. What I would have done is I would have secured the straight of war moves.

[B]

The way this consumes you is unlike anything I've ever seen. Why you texted me, I said, hey, what's up? He goes, just woke up from a nap. The war is not going well for us. As if, like, you're in charge of the war. Like, why are you so consumed by this? Oh, man, it's not going well.

[A]

Is there to be consumed? Like, imagine being, like, really upset about anything.

[B]

How do you think I. I thought you were in Tehran when you texted me. This is not going well.

[A]

I took a beautiful nap on my wife, watched both kids. It was Amazing. Four hours. Woke up, I was like, that was great. You should have done one of those. And, yeah, she wasn't happy with that, Connor. But yeah, Yeah, I mean, does. Do none of you guys think about it?

[B]

I'm thinking about it, but just the way it's consumed you is unlike anything ever.

[A]

Well, how does it.

[B]

We're like, dude, what do you want to talk about? Dude, there's nothing else I can think of.

[A]

What else is there? Mom, I agree. That's really not.

[C]

There's nothing else.

[A]

What else is going on? Should we talk about traitors?

[B]

Yeah. Yes, exactly. Traitors. You know, I mean, you. You did bring a. A war correspondent into the studio today.

[A]

I did. Who is it?

[B]

It's our good friend Joey Avery.

[A]

Oh, Joey Avery is here, by the way. Guys, we have Joey Avery here. We have Joey. Wow. Yeah.

[B]

You wanted this issue solved.

[A]

Yeah, so we. We definitely gotta solve it. We'll get to that at the end of the episode, but we definitely gotta solve it. Joey Avery is here, ladies and gen. Big round of applause for Joey Ably in.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

The building. Unnecessary. Unnecessary.

[B]

Yeah, he's been too confident since the soundboard.

[A]

Who? Miles. I never know if it's Miles or Joey.

[B]

It's me now. I got it working. Yeah.

[D]

Well, to Mark's point, though, it has consumed you. Because you and I were talking about my special that I just released and the piece of advice that I got from you, you just said, damn. Dropping during a war.

[A]

I was like, dude, what? I don't have a choice.

[D]

It's already scheduled.

[A]

It's going.

[D]

All you did was just shake my confidence.

[A]

That's a tough drop.

[B]

I would love to see you parenting the past two weeks. You're like, you're really gonna need diaper change during a war.

[A]

During a war.

[B]

During a war.

[A]

During a war is crazy. Asking for anything during a war is crazy.

[C]

Yeah, you get out of everything, right?

[A]

Everything. Yeah. Yeah, 100%. I haven't seen my mom in, like, a month. I'm like, mom, there's a war going on. What do you. You wanna go out and just chat while a war is going on in Tehran? Oh, that's awesome. Yo, how Iranians pronounced Tehran is hilarious.

[B]

Why they put.

[A]

They got the H in their heart, like, it's too hard. I'm saying Iranian Americans.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't. I haven't heard this.

[A]

I don't know. It's like, son. Yeah. I don't know.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Al, come on. Stop it. It sound like you're supporting The Ayatollah. Do you support the Ayatollah?

[D]

New or old?

[A]

Yeah. Which one?

[C]

Oh, the new guy.

[A]

The new guy. Yeah.

[D]

I don't think he's gonna like us very much.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Killed his whole family.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Kind of creating super villains.

[A]

Trump's probably out there. Like, I think he'll be reasonable. Yeah. Actually. Yeah. Seriously?

[D]

Yeah. Joey.

[A]

So have you solved it?

[D]

No, but I've been thinking about it too, dude. It's been weighing on me as well.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I just, like, I wake up and I'm like, this is not great.

[A]

Not good. And I don't have any sports. No.

[D]

I do feel like people have consumed, like, listening to certain content about the war kind of fills the. The sports gap. Because, like, when I hear people talking about, like, the movement of missiles, I'm like, I do miss football.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[D]

Like, that's the type of strategy.

[B]

And your parlay is still hitting the same. You know what I mean? You got money on it.

[A]

You're like, dude, this is great.

[B]

Everything's turning out, you know? Yeah.

[D]

Have we figured out how to stop the insider trading on, like, gambling on the war and things like that? We're just supposed to copy accounts. My entire Twitter is just people being like, some poly market account knows something, and I'm just like, that doesn't feel. Dump all the money, but I should probably. Yeah.

[A]

Throw a little bit on there. Yeah. It is kind of funny because, like, the way people use the insider trading war is just the stock market, right? Yeah, Right. Like, somebody would dump some crazy amount of money into, like, oil futures and be like, oh, I wonder why. I wonder why you're betting that oil is going to go up and then oil goes up 100% like it did this week.

[D]

And now this old corruption.

[A]

Yeah. Because it's like, old. It is interesting. Like, old corruption. It is like, it's waspy in that, like, we pretend it's not happening, you know, and then just underneath the table, just horrible shit is going on. And then now that we're dealing with it right in front of our eyes, we're like, oh, God, corruption is horrible. It was more elegant when we could kind of ignore it a little bit.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Con men were dignified.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Are they con men, the insider traders? I guess not really con.

[D]

Well, I just, like, I appreciate when we. Obviously, I don't think Iraq or Iran have. Have been great, but I appreciated that they did a good job of, like, lying for Iraq. Like, they tried to tell us there was, like, a reason and for this one, they're like, I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You know who's been thinking about this conflict a lot?

[A]

Who?

[B]

Our sound guy, Israel.

[A]

Yo, our sound guy's name is Israel.

[C]

I would have just changed my name

[B]

or, like, Izzy or something behind the

[D]

scenes, pulling the strings.

[B]

Joey's mic is turned off for the

[A]

rest of the episode. Yeah, yeah, we lost. Joey's audio is going on over here.

[C]

Oh, it's rough.

[A]

I'm going to call it early today. So, you guys, I don't even know what he said. English, English, Izzy.

[D]

It wasn't funny enough to repeat.

[A]

Okay, thanks for interrupting again. Okay, guys, can we just. Can we not talk about the war or politics for a second?

[C]

Let's try it.

[A]

Let's try. No politics. Just. Just. What else is happening? All right, America is some real controversy here. Is a marathon 26 miles. Or is it 18? Should Timmy Chalamet have opinions on ballet? Like, this is what we're dealing with. Exactly. Usually America has news that is, you know, controversial, and it gets us going. And we're talking about. They're not even providing that. Right. Like, there's no. I don't. Do you guys give a fuck what Timmy Chalamet thinks about ballet or opera?

[D]

No, I don't think anyone does.

[B]

The culture war has gone soft.

[A]

It's gone so soft. It's bad also, Timmy, you gotta just stop talking. Take it from guys who know. Yeah, stop talking. It's. Listen, you.

[B]

You killed it.

[A]

The rollout for Marty supreme was amazing. You're White Boy of the Month. Once you're White Boy of the Month,

[D]

you don't need to add a podcast.

[A]

No, I'm being. I'm being like, once you become White Boy of the Month or White Boy of the Year, whatever it is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's. It's only down. You can only go down from White boy the month. It is a. Nobody's just like, White Boy of the century. That's not how it works. I know.

[C]

That was a thing. When did that become a thing?

[A]

Stop it, Al. You don't know about them, bro. It's. It's the. You've never heard of that?

[B]

They do it at the BAFTA Awards. It's a big thing.

[D]

Whoever yells it out.

[A]

But it is a thing that happens, right? It's like, if I'm any. You got to just be Leo. Dude. Leo is just. He perfected and, you know, he's grandfathered in from, like, old cinema, but, like, you just never hear him talking, because when you talk, you get in trouble.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, this is a lukewarm take. But I think that people are just going, okay, you can't be the coolest kid with the hit movie and you're a superstar and you just get to talk all the time and have opinions.

[B]

But how else do you promote more Supreme?

[A]

It's already promoted. It's done. That's why. I don't understand why he's still talking.

[B]

Does he even.

[D]

I think this was an old clip and so there's controversy that this is an Oscars smear campaign because it didn't actually hit. But they think that maybe someone who wants to go against him.

[A]

So this isn't even recent.

[D]

That's what I heard. I would double check that. But yeah, I heard it. It actually came out a while ago. People didn't really care.

[B]

I like that. And then. Yeah, it was February 20th. Yeah. Eons ago.

[D]

This is before the war. Gone, before the facts.

[A]

When was Marty supreme out?

[D]

Christmas Day.

[A]

Oh, so you talking too long.

[D]

But the Oscars are on.

[A]

No, you're talking too long. You gotta stop talking once the movie.

[C]

No, but now he's trying to get the Oscar.

[A]

Yeah, but you're trying for too much. You can't. You got White Boy of the month. Yeah. The fuck you need an Oscar.

[D]

What do you.

[A]

You have. You're White Boy of the month.

[C]

He's looking very Latino right now, though.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's bad.

[C]

Like this? Is this a little bad, buddy? N. Yeah, he looked like the SNL dude.

[B]

The.

[C]

The comedian.

[A]

Marcelo. Yeah, he got.

[C]

He biting Marcelo Swag.

[A]

What are they saying? Who's going to win the Oscar?

[B]

Was this Cal for the Oscar?

[A]

Yeah. What is this?

[D]

Michael B. Jordan just pulled ahead.

[B]

Oh, he just pulled ahead because of this clip.

[A]

You know Michael. Do you know Michael B. Jordan's opinions on anything?

[C]

No. No.

[A]

Do you know Brad Pitt's opinions on anything?

[B]

You want a long career, Nobody thinks about parenting.

[A]

And he did not share that. Angelina Jon on a fucking podcast.

[B]

Yeah, that's true. Trying to tank his Oscars off.

[A]

That's it. If you want a long career in entertainment, you just don't ever talk on a podcast. I'm just. Listen. I'm just saying. Listen. I just said, this is the advice that I give these young ruffians. If you want a long care and entertainment, you don't talk all podcasts.

[D]

So do you think it's worse for Leo if he goes on a podcast than keeps 22 year olds 25. 25.

[B]

That's his limit, dude.

[A]

Nobody's really upset at him for that.

[D]

Right?

[A]

Wouldn't you be more upset if you

[C]

watch you correct to 25.

[A]

Years old. He's like 45. First of all, he's 50. Exactly. If he was fucking 50 year old women, I would shoot him in the head myself. This is Leonardo DiCaprio. Wouldn't you shake the shit out of him if he was banging? Age appropriate? He was 50 years old.

[C]

He could do like 30. What's this right here?

[D]

That's an infographic of Leo's age versus the girl's. So the limit is 25, but he goes in peaks and valleys.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[D]

This is a good use of an infograph.

[A]

Can you tell me?

[D]

Hilarious.

[A]

Okay, okay. So are we really gonna blame a guy who's 50 for wanting to bang 25 year olds? When you jerk off the porn, you look for age appropriate women. Why we gotta do that? Just ridiculous, right? There's no category for it. Close my eyes. Think about my wife while she's sitting next to you.

[D]

Just thinking about his weekends though.

[A]

Think about her at 20. My old work and my current work. I just, I don't understand this. Like, I mean, that's the thing. We only know. And Nikki Glaser had this great joke. I think it was at the Golden Globes. Did you see that? Where like she basically like, she makes fun of him for dating 25 year olds and then she's like, I'm sorry, Leo, but that's literally the only thing we know about you. And it's, it was actually a great observation. Like he's, he's handled the career so well that the only things we know about him are he's amazing at acting. He likes girls that are 25 and he cares about the environment.

[C]

I like that you keep giving him 25 when clearly, yo, he has a range.

[B]

Django. He just wants Django. That's what it was.

[A]

He doesn't like him. No, Al, you're hating, bro. Why are you trying to drag his median down, son?

[C]

Come on, come on. That's not the median.

[A]

To me, that looks like the median. I think that's the media.

[B]

Only 25.

[A]

The girl he's with now is damn near 27 years. What do they even talk about?

[B]

Yeah, or they're future 25 year olds.

[C]

This is so.

[D]

Do you think he'll ever get to the point where he just has like a Gen Z cut? You know, he just starts using all the slang.

[A]

Oh yeah, yeah.

[D]

You have to keep up at some point, get a little dangling.

[A]

I, I'm, I am like baffled. If you're going to marry a girl. Yeah. You go age of pros. Yes.

[B]

But. But yeah,

[D]

we're just hanging out on a yacht. Yeah. I'm just trying to.

[C]

I'm not knocking.

[A]

You going to bring the other 45 year old women. I'm not knocking it.

[C]

It just funny that you keep going to the.

[A]

The guy dates 30 year old women. What am I going to hate him?

[B]

30 year old women.

[A]

A dude did 45 wants to date 30 year old women. What's. What's wrong with that even? What is wrong with it?

[C]

Shout out to Leo, man.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

He kept his mouth shut.

[B]

He loves the environment.

[A]

Does he loves the environment.

[B]

That's why he recycles women so much.

[A]

Not only that, but he's traveling around

[C]

big yachts and stuff.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That might be the prize for white

[D]

boy of the decade.

[A]

Say again?

[D]

That might be the prize for white boy of the decade.

[A]

Which is what?

[D]

Banging 30 year old women.

[A]

35.

[D]

Sometimes 35, 40 year old women.

[A]

Guys, one of these days he's gonna have sex with a 30 year old woman.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And he. We're going to celebrate it. We're going to be like, oh my God. He's no, we're going to be like,

[C]

yo, he got Biden brain.

[A]

All right guys, here are all our dates in less than 30 seconds. Nashville, 2020 first. Sold out. Thank you guys so much. Joey Avery is going to be joining us. Providence, Rhode Island, March 28, Los Angeles with Jelly Roll. May 8, August 8 in Halifax, Nova

[D]

Scotia, Las Vegas, Nevada, Salt Lake City, Minneapolis, Calgary, Naples, Dania Beach, Dallas, Bernalillo, Cleveland, Rosemont, Chicago, San Francisco, Sacramento, Tempe, Edm, St. Pete, Charlotte, Detroit, San Diego. And watch my special Joe Avery live in San Francisco.

[B]

And we have a monthly show 31st of March and I'm doing another show on April 3rd in New York City. Check it out at Mark Gagnon Live.

[D]

Alex.

[C]

And this Monday, March 16th, I have canceled comedy. We have some funny. Ricky Velez, Cam Patterson, Natalie Friedman, a bunch of other funny. Just head to cancel comedy x.com get your tickets now.

[A]

That's how I know I'm stressed. I've been watching Outdoor boys non stop job. That's, that's my like stress reduction activity comfort show. Oh my God. Oh, just do you watch out.

[D]

I don't know. What is it?

[A]

It's this guy who's just from Alaska. Mormon guy is amazing and he just like builds different types of shelters in the forest.

[D]

That sounds nice.

[C]

Oh, and he has.

[D]

That's such A dad thing to watch.

[C]

And he has a family that he leaves every weekend to go.

[A]

That's what.

[D]

That's what Andrew's watching.

[A]

Dude. He's thinking.

[D]

He's fantasizing about the idea of just being alone.

[A]

Yeah, let me hang out. Look at his hands.

[B]

Man.

[D]

Who's never cleaned a coffee maker but might build a shed.

[A]

I'm not gonna build. I'm not gonna build. But look at that view. That's a love. Look at him out on a boat. Oh, look at him. Oh, cutting wood.

[D]

It's just male asmr.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Dude.

[A]

Stuff eating a potato. Watch it. I mean, do you guys not watch it? Nobody knows.

[B]

I mean, but what is it actually the alone part? Or is it, like, the procedural kind

[A]

of, like, it is all of it. And let me tell you where I peek. Like what I'm waiting for. I'm just sitting there and I'm, like, edging towards it, and maybe I'll Google 10 second forward. 10 second forward. But I'm waiting for him to say, I got some fresh dough. Yeah, yeah, Miles, I know I got some fresh dough. And what else do I have? I got that honey butter. Honey butter. When he makes that dough on the back of the shovel, and then he dips it into that honey butter. Oh, my God. There's nothing better.

[B]

Is that it?

[A]

That's a nice. He probably made a little, like, PETA or something like that. But when he breaks that, bakes that fresh dough and he dips that honey butter. Walking miles on those rocks with these boots has just been killing my feet.

[B]

Became Jewish halfway through.

[A]

Good golly, look at him make that bread on that hot rod. That's fire. Yeah. Yes, it is fire, Al. I'm glad you're realizing it. Wait till you see that honey butter. Look at him cut a trout that he caught right out of that lake.

[D]

You ever go camping, Schultz?

[A]

Never mind. In my entire life.

[B]

Why? You would really enjoy it.

[A]

Never went once, and I would. And I've been dying to go.

[D]

Yeah, you would love it.

[A]

I want to go winter camping.

[D]

Oh, like, right, I forgot about your winter camping.

[A]

Yeah, snow camping. I want to do snow. I want to deal with the elements.

[B]

I mean, you basically just missed it.

[A]

It. Yeah, but you can't really winter camp here. I want, like, the real deal, man. Life or death.

[B]

But why don't you start off, try a summer camp.

[D]

It's actually kind of nice to go in the water. Like, dude, that bread. That bread. You know how you can feel how good it tastes to him when You've been out in the elements and your feet hurt because of these boots. And you finally get to eat that bread. It's the best bread of your life. And you're just thinking about it.

[A]

Yeah, but to me, it's. There's something about the. The element, like it being so cold that it's actually killing you, and then you creating your own fire and feeling that warmth.

[C]

Out of all of us, you tap out first if we go camping.

[A]

You think I'd tap before you?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. You have everything brought to you.

[D]

I think he's bringing five Sherpas, too.

[A]

Have somebody there with me. Yeah. You need some help? Yeah, but when it's hot out, there's no, like, respite from the heat. Heat. Right. It's like. It's not like you go in the tent and then it's cool. There's no ac.

[D]

Well, usually you're near a body of water, so you can cool off. There's shade from the trees at night. It cools off pretty quick.

[B]

This.

[D]

So it's not hot enough.

[A]

Not want to control the weather.

[C]

This guy's like, I won't go to Burning man without a luxury rv. But he can handle the elements of

[A]

Burning man with a semi. Luxury.

[B]

But Burning Man's about drugs. You know what I mean? This is about if you want a

[A]

Burning man to camp or, like, be in a tent. You're a fucking idiot. Like, you should have everything be as comfortable as possible so you can do those drugs and recover.

[C]

That is true. But you cannot last a day by yourself in the woods. I don't think you can.

[B]

I mean, alone. Alone.

[A]

You'd be surprised. You'd be surprised. You would be surprised.

[C]

You just gotta fast for a day.

[A]

No, I'm not. Bring some food. I'll make some bread.

[B]

I'll just bring out some honey butter.

[A]

I'll definitely bring the honey butter and heat it up on that stove that he's got. And you got it all melting that you dip right in. And then. And then. Yeah, I'd probably fish or hunt or do whatever you do for food. He brings his food, by the way. He's not always like, hunting for food. He brings a meal. He brings like, a nice chicken curry. Like, he gets off and it's cold enough that you just keep it in your backpack. It's refrigerated the whole time. You're hiking.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Stupid. You don't know how fucking temperature works.

[D]

Do you even like winter sports? You ever ski or snowboard or anything? I did some snowboarding okay.

[A]

Yeah. I skied once or twice. Twice.

[D]

How'd you handle that?

[A]

Cold? Tell you about chilly, bro. My favorite part of that is when you go into, like, the little cabin area.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And have a hot cocoa.

[B]

That is the best part.

[A]

So I think that's what it's really about.

[B]

The apres ski is kind of what it's.

[A]

Apres ski.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Can we get some alcohol? Let's have a nice little vacation. What do you mean it's too early?

[C]

Do we got another episode after?

[A]

No, no. The way I calculate this is I have date night tonight that I'll probably drink at, so I'm going to already kind of go.

[B]

It's one drink, basically. One drink if it's in the whole day.

[A]

Everyone knows the rules. We're going out with another couple tonight. Not swingers. And we hope.

[D]

I know I'll be lubed up for that, just in case.

[A]

I like getting a little sauce and then going on, like, a first date with another couple.

[D]

The best. My wife and I will take shots in our apartment so that you can come in hot.

[B]

Hot.

[A]

We're going out. Just one drink. My wife doesn't know that we're drinking.

[D]

Oh.

[A]

So I come in hot and then sit down and then Iran. Immediately. Yes.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Immediately we're talking about Iran. And I cannot wait.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And I cannot wait. And my wife is like, you cannot leave me alone in the conversation. You have to include me in everything. And I'd be like, okay, well, you better read up about the Shah. Okay. Because we're gonna be talking a lot about this and what happened in 1978.

[B]

You got to go back.

[D]

There's a lot of history there. People don't know. People don't know about Mosaddeh.

[A]

That they don't. You know what a lot of people don't know? Do you know that women got the right to vote and when.

[D]

Iran or here?

[A]

No, in America.

[B]

1929.

[A]

No.

[C]

No, it was later.

[A]

No. Earlier.

[C]

No. 19. Earlier. 19 or something.

[A]

19. 20.

[C]

20.

[A]

Okay. We've been at war ever since.

[B]

Decent point.

[A]

I.

[B]

Let's just hear him out. This is something interesting.

[A]

We've been at world war ever since.

[D]

They like to blame us, but there's not a lot of reflection.

[A]

There's no when they couldn't vote. And I have a daughter. I want her to be able to vote.

[D]

Okay, good.

[A]

Okay, that's good. I want that to happen.

[B]

We said don't get political, but I love that one.

[A]

Political. I'm not political at all. I'm just Going off the numbers, I was shocked. I thought women got the right to vote in the 1800s sometimes. Okay, 1920. What was World War I?

[C]

But we had the wrong 20. So we had like a good, like 10 years of fun.

[A]

Right when they first started voting.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

100. They had that like hippie liberation movement. They're like, I could vote. I could throw this around.

[D]

Absolutely.

[A]

And it was crazy. Flapping. They were flapping the flappers.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[A]

Then just wars. Non stop. The never ending wars. What type of responsibility do we put on them for that? Because before that we only had one war to free you guys. And then that's it.

[C]

Right?

[A]

Like, was there. Were there any more wars even? Can you name another one?

[C]

The revolution. Revolution.

[B]

Revolution.

[A]

Yeah. That doesn't count because we weren't us yet.

[B]

It's actually not right. Or it's a revolution.

[A]

It's a revolution.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, that's a good point. So then women can vote. World War II kind of comes around. World War I, but World War I's like, what, 1914? No, it's. It's kind of.

[A]

No, no, it's after

[C]

breaking

[B]

mark. Give us.

[A]

Look, when the. For the propaganda. Don't fall for the propaganda. They want you to believe the war started before they could vote. It wasn't even really officially a war until 1921.

[B]

It was just.

[D]

The boys were just digging. They were just digging.

[A]

The shovel.

[D]

They're making the honey butter.

[A]

Exactly. Thank you.

[B]

How happy were they when they were just doing the digging part? That must have been so fun.

[A]

Dude, it was the life. You're out there with the boys in the earth and then women vote and

[B]

all of a sudden we're at war. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Thank you so much, Joseph. Thank you.

[B]

Everything you guys just said is off

[A]

camera because we have three people in front of them all. That's okay. Okay, we're locking back in. Let's just see if we can create a through line for this argument. Somebody get on a computer. I'm on a computer. When did World War I start? 1940.

[B]

Okay, but America didn't get involved until.

[A]

Until when?

[B]

1917, I think, but.

[A]

Mark, shut up. Go. American entry into World War I. 1917. Okay, when was it, like, bad? How do you notice? When did it really start?

[B]

Yeah, but when did it get bad for America? That's the only question.

[A]

It ended November 11, 1918.

[C]

Women.

[A]

Also, when you Google what year. Hold on one second. Hold on one second. Yeah.

[C]

Damn show.

[A]

So technically, they didn't even vote us out of the war. We did that. And we're like, there's no more wars. We gave them the right to vote. We're back in war almost immediately afterwards, and we haven't stopped being at war since.

[B]

I wonder if all the people coming home from World War I came home and their wives were like, let us vote. And they were like, another war.

[A]

We let them play.

[B]

You guys hang it.

[A]

We let them play baseball. Mark, you give them an inch? We let them play baseball. We were gone. We're like, we need to watch someone play baseball. They got out there, right? Yeah. Using dildos at first. That's a thing a lot of people don't realize. They were using vibrators and dildos because all the bats had to go to war, historically.

[B]

Can we Google that?

[D]

Dildos were made of wood, so it worked out.

[B]

Let's get a picture.

[A]

If you haven't seen those dildos from Cairo 4,000 years ago.

[B]

There's a wooden bat.

[A]

It's not a wooden pad. It's a dildo shaved to Egyptian vaginas. And it was made. It was made out of the elements that they had at the time. It was.

[C]

It was a shovel.

[A]

Look at that.

[C]

Shovel comes.

[B]

Look at. That's what they were playing baseball with.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

That's a Louisville Slugger right there.

[A]

Golly.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Which side is that's. Is that what your shit looks like?

[D]

I do it.

[A]

I do it. Al's gets skinny at the bottom.

[D]

Crazy.

[A]

How is that literally how your looks

[C]

n. It's not that crazy.

[A]

That's. That is a little bit concerning, bro.

[B]

That is it.

[A]

That looks like your bro.

[C]

How do you know?

[A]

Same color. How you know? Just. I'm doing some interesting. Your dick looks like Alyssa Lou's hair. Sorry, sorry. No, I can't talk about Lizzie Lou. She's a champion.

[B]

Yeah, she's a champion.

[D]

She's the goat. Shout out to the bay.

[A]

Oh, yeah. She repped the bay heavy. I love.

[D]

We needed to counterbalance Eileen Goose Trader ass. And we did it.

[A]

Do you think that she's a traitor?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

100, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, she's.

[D]

She. She led the. Like she was in San Francisco.

[A]

She got that bag.

[C]

That's the most American thing.

[B]

True, she's a sellout, but everyone's a sellout out.

[C]

If that's the most American thing to do.

[A]

Mark, if you don't get your rectum off, I swear. Pick a side.

[B]

If I'm me, then it's. She's a salad. If I'm her, then I'm going to China.

[D]

Yeah, but that's what makes. I understand why she made the decision. But I'm allowed to say, okay, well, then I don't have to support you. Yeah, you're for the ops.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

I'm not, because I'm personally upset at her. But I'm just like, Alyssa, Lou is who I'm with.

[A]

If there was a comedy Olympics, would you.

[D]

Which country.

[A]

Which country? Would you. Would you. Would you. Would you do it for Saudi Arabia? Would you represent Saudi Arabia? The Comedy Olympics, Mark?

[B]

I would, yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Mark does have three choices here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Born in France, French Canadian, parents, America.

[B]

I'd represent Canada.

[A]

Or do you have an American citizenship?

[B]

Yes, I do.

[A]

How did you acquire that?

[B]

Yeah, when I moved here, I was just. I was just an old phone. And then my parents applied for it and then I got it. They gave it to me. I was on an 01 visa.

[C]

Oh, no, you can't be a president. I didn't see him shoveling. He only got two forms of id.

[A]

He shoveling. Who wants vino?

[D]

Do you want one?

[A]

Train with Joey is a dangerous game you're watching. Guys, we're just having a little vino. We're just talking about traders. Okay? You should go drink for drink with Joey Schultz.

[B]

You're gonna.

[D]

Hey, once you start with me, it can be a problem. I'm not going to drink Miles out Sunday.

[A]

Oh, no. Is it that bad?

[D]

Well, we were celebrating the special and then I think probably like nine or ten Guinnesses just sort of happened.

[A]

Oh, I wish we had Guinness. Maybe we have somebody run out and get us some Guinness. I love some jeans. Oh my God, I love again. Did you know that? Do I know it's splitting.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

What is it?

[A]

So we're on the first pour. If the foam splits the G, you win it.

[C]

Nope.

[A]

On the first drink.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

On the first drink. On the first drink.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. I think you give it to them.

[D]

It's a brilliant, like accidental marketing play by Guinness. Cuz it has Guinness on the mind. People are drinking it and they're drinking it faster.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So when you start splitting GS, you're just chugging half of it to start and then you end up drinking 10. And then miles hung over on Monday.

[A]

Mil, you couldn't hang, dude. Well, dude, we were doing beers and then they just kept going, yo, you want a Ferrari shot? And I was like, sure. And then those were coming out heavy.

[D]

Fernet and Campari, we've been into that.

[A]

I like the Campari. I don't know how the Fernet works in There.

[D]

It works.

[A]

Really? Tastes like cough syrup.

[D]

Yeah. I mean, it depends on what you're into. Look, both things taste like, but you put them together and still kind of taste like you like.

[A]

You like the drink.

[D]

Yeah, I like to drink.

[A]

The drink is a good thing. Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

You gotta be able to drink. Within reason. You can't.

[A]

You know what's within reason? Reason?

[D]

Well, you.

[A]

You could. It's.

[D]

I remember, like, during COVID I was really into drinking. I was doing it just more nights a week than I should, which is how many nights I was probably doing it about. Yeah. When Covet first hit. It was like a team sleepover. And I was just drinking, like seven nights a week on Zoom with my friends. And then I was like, why am I fat and angry? And it was the alcohol. So you gotta, like a couple nights a week. But I do it every week.

[A]

You only get every week.

[D]

I never miss a week of drinking.

[A]

Can you get the dildos off the screen? Because I can't. Everyone is built with a curve, and I'm starting to feel insecure about my straight dick.

[C]

I thought you curved.

[A]

No, I don't. Oh, do you guys curve? No, you wouldn't even know. Your is all.

[D]

It's under wraps.

[A]

Do you curve? Nicest dicks are in Iran. They're covered up. Thanks, Mike. Kyles. I love you. We should have given you more. All right, guys, let's take a break for a second. Your sleep sucks. When your sleep sucks, everything sucks, okay? Your mood, your focus, your workouts, your patience, all of it. And we love to pretend it's normal. I just don't need that much sleep. Yes, you do. Catch up this weekend. No, you won't. That's not a flex. This is a liability. You cannot outwork bad sleep. You cannot caffeine your way through real recovery. If your body isn't repairing at night, you are running on fumes and disguising it as ambition. Sleep is not just ours. It's hormones, it's stress, it's inflammation. It's what's actually happening under the surface. Guessing isn't going to cut it. And that's why I use function 160 biomarkers. You can see what poor sleep is doing to your body and fix the real problem. In between us boys, there's a little friendly challenge in the works. A body IO age competition. Dove already did his. He's talking big.

[C]

Mark.

[A]

Alex. They're circling y waiting for their turn. Are we gonna let Alex do it? Probably not.

[B]

Wait, why not?

[A]

They age a little. Better.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You know, at least on the outside. So right now you go to functionalhealth.com flagrant get function for less than a dollar a day using our code. Flagrant, check your health. You are welcome. Also, what is the over and under on dove's age? What is the over or under on doves age? 45, I think. I think he's. I think he's. I think he's significantly over.

[B]

You take the over on 45.

[A]

No, no, no, no. If he's 42 years old, I. I'm. I'm with you on 45.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Yeah. I don't think he's coming under 42, too.

[B]

No. Not after the conversation you guys just had.

[A]

No, I got him stressing.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Second he comes in the office, I get him stressed. You're adding yours 100%. He's unbuttoning that cardigan. Tits flopping in that white teeth. Anyway, guys, it's a new year, New routines. But have you ever stopped to think about what your shower water is doing to your skin and hair? Most people. People. Most people spend thousands every year on skin care, hair care, trying to fix dryness, breakouts, dull hair. Without realizing the real problem starts before the products even go on. It's the quality of your shower water. And that's where Jolie comes in. Jolie, it's a beauty wellness company with a clinically proven filter showered head designed to remove chlorine and heavy metals that can damage your skin and hair. They will destroy it, and you don't even realize that. It installs in minutes, fits all showers, looks fantastic, delivers amazing pressure, and now starts at just $98. A small upgrade that can make a big difference in how your skin and hair feel all year long. Head to jolieskinco.com that is J-O-L-I-E-S K-I-N-C-O.com flagrant to get yours. That is joliesskinco.com flagrant and if you or your loved one doesn't love it, you can return it for a full refund within 60 days, no questions asked. Also available on Amazon. Start the year with better water. Get Jolie for $98 today. Now let's get back to the show. Before we get back to the show, there is one more company that I want to shout out. This is on the house. Okay? Okay. My boys over at Neuro taking over the world. This right here and mine out right now. By the way, there's no other house. Absolutely unbelievable. I mean, where's my cam. That one or this one? This shit is crazy. Okay. I don't think I've slept in the last, like, year. And it's building up.

[B]

I think that's the newborn.

[A]

It's the newborn, but this right here is allowing me to get through it. So thank you for helping me be a better dad. I saw Katy Perry posting about this the other day. Day. And I hit them up. I was like, yo, you got Katy Perry? She's like, no. They were like, no. She was just doing it for the strength.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Wow. Yeah.

[B]

Didn't they also make you pro and paddle?

[A]

They also made it professional in paddle, but that's why I feel that I need to be back. If Katie's giving them free promo, it's like, we also got to be running it up.

[C]

She's an astronaut.

[A]

She's been to space.

[B]

That's a good point. Astronauts are using this.

[A]

Real astronauts are using this right here. What would you. What do you do with your day that's so. So valuable to you that you wouldn't want to

[D]

feel like she's more of a titstronaut?

[A]

He's on the Neuro. Do you have a Nero in.

[D]

I just finished.

[A]

Do you have a Nero? That's what happens when you Neuro. He's coming online. I didn't even put that together. Astronaut genius. With all due respect to Orlando. Orlando Bloom. Great guy.

[D]

Great guy.

[B]

She's with the prime minister of Canada.

[A]

Yeah, but that's his old work. They got kids, like.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? Orlando's a good guy, bro. Come on. You got respect. You wouldn't know, but you gotta respect old work, bro. We've always put respect on old work.

[B]

Facts.

[A]

Yeah, Shadow lock in right here. Yeah, this is. Katy Perry knows what's up. What's the guy from Canada's name again?

[B]

Justin Trudeau.

[C]

Trudeau.

[A]

Justin Trudeau.

[B]

Yep. He's probably getting some secondhand.

[D]

Probably.

[A]

I assume from what?

[B]

From Katie.

[A]

This doesn't go through the ure. Through. With all due respect. With all due respect, that's not how it works, bro, if that's what you were implying, which is disgusting. Talk about somebody's mom like that. Somebody's ex wife.

[B]

Picture of Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry if they're making out.

[A]

We're not doing that.

[B]

He might get a second name.

[A]

We're not doing that. This is neuro gum. We shout out neuro. Neuro to boys. Keep crushing it. Okay, We. We're glad you got back from Dubai. We saw you out there. I was nervous. I had to text to make sure they got back. So this is phenomenal. We love y' all and keep crushing it. And thank you for allowing me to be a good parent. Can we get back to the show finally, please? Thank you. Finally. Monster Energy. Everybody knows White Monster Zero Ultra, that's the og it kicked off this whole Zero sugar energy drink thing. But Ultra is a whole line of men now. You've got Strawberry Dreams, Blue Hawaiian Sunrise, and Vice Guava. And they all bring the Monster Energy punch.

[C]

So if you've been living in the

[A]

white can branch out. Ultra's got a flavor for every vibe, and every single one is Zero Sugar.

[C]

Tap the banner to learn more.

[D]

Mark said his dick didn't curve in a way that makes me think his dick curves.

[A]

Mark said his dick curves like Ben Shapiro's eyebrows.

[D]

Is this real or AI?

[A]

No, it's got to be AI.

[B]

No, that's real, dude.

[A]

Come on.

[B]

100 real. Pull it it up.

[A]

There's no way.

[B]

I just saw one tweet about it that my mom's been talking about non stop.

[A]

Well, what does she say that the truth of it is, she says that

[B]

that's going to be his. His curls.

[C]

That's.

[B]

That's the way they're going to grow the pants.

[A]

It's not true.

[D]

It's a really funny piece of Internet work, though.

[A]

I mean, if he's leaning in, it's hilarious. Like, if I was him, I would. I would bush the out of them.

[D]

Yeah, he should just do his show with them on. But I think I saw someone compare the two videos and it's not real, but I like it though. It's the right thing to do though, with his face place.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Meaning.

[D]

Well, it's just the funniest possible thing and it's just believable enough that we can have a dialogue. And it's like his eyebrows are getting crazy.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Like, I believe.

[D]

Like, I believed it. I was like, damn. Really switched up.

[A]

Does this count as political conversation?

[C]

Oh, it was getting a little political there, Miles.

[A]

Anytime about politics.

[C]

Yeah, this is hilarious.

[A]

Nah, that's insane. I've paused. Anytime we talk about politics, I want you to put a charity that we support on the screen. A huge band manner.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. So if we do get clipped throughout the Internet, it at least goes to a good cause. Okay. We can do the Food bank of New York. We can BabyQuest, which is the IVF charity that I support. So there's a couple of those and just a huge banner right across it.

[C]

Black Lives Matter.

[D]

Doesn't this incentive.

[A]

We're not doing Black Lives Matter. Come on. Black lesbians need some houses, bro.

[B]

That is true. It's true.

[C]

Come on.

[A]

Yeah. Is that even still going? Going?

[C]

Nah, they stopped it. They killed it.

[D]

100.

[C]

It's still going, but no one really supports it. It's unfortunate. Still, my WI fi password, though.

[A]

Is it?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, I love it.

[D]

People to stare at them. Say it out loud when you type it.

[A]

That is kind of funny that if somebody's gonna steal your WI Fi, they have to type in Black lives.

[C]

Yeah, it's funny.

[A]

You have to decide if you're racist or if you want WI Fi. Yeah, it's WI fi every single time. All right. Yeah. This is insane.

[B]

You want the charity up because you're afraid of getting clipped up. You don't want to get clipped. Everything you say.

[A]

No, no. I want the clipping to promote something. There's nothing we can do to stop us from getting clipped no matter what we say. So if you are going to clip us and do videos about it, at least we can both together support some really great causes.

[B]

I like that.

[C]

Yeah, I love that.

[A]

Because I don't care about supporting the causes of the shows clipping us because I don't know what their causes are. Maybe I do care. Maybe I. I don't. But if we are going to be mine for views, then we should at least support some good causes.

[D]

I like that.

[A]

Isn't that good? Everybody wins. Yeah. And then if you stop clipping us, it means you don't support children being born through ivf or you don't support, you know, people struggling to eat in New York. So if anything, maybe you would inspire more people to talk about us. But if it goes down, what are you prioritizing?

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

I love this. What is going on here? More people should do this. More people should do this.

[D]

You've been plotting, dude. I'm not plotting.

[A]

Who are the most clipped on the Internet? You should just have a banner running for your favorite charity during it. Yeah, right?

[B]

Yeah, that's kind of genius. A good idea.

[A]

So which charity should we do? I mean, Tucker is a great charity.

[C]

Hold on.

[D]

Get a banner ready?

[A]

Yeah. His isn't ivf. I think it's idf. No, no, he would never support that. He would never support it. Okay, all right. What else is going on in the world, guys?

[B]

I mean, do you want to go through some. Some Reddit hypotheticals?

[C]

Okay, I guess that's a no. It's your answer right there.

[A]

Panic attack, right? There. Yeah, yeah, sure.

[B]

Let's go.

[C]

He's like, you didn't say you were on.

[B]

I mean considering that you went to college.

[A]

I did.

[B]

What was your degree in college?

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

Psychology.

[A]

Psychology.

[B]

Psychology.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Psychology?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Psychology.

[B]

Psychology.

[A]

Psych. I was a psych. Ye.

[B]

So you're good at psychology?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Psychologizing people?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Situations, theories, getting to the bottom of stuff.

[A]

Let's see, maybe I might be a little. What's it called? Rusty.

[B]

Okay, so these are just some hypotheticals we can pull up here. Click on the Am I the asshole? The bottom one. And I'm just curious your take if you can adjudicate this as a psychologist and really try to break down what's going on. Okay, so this one is basically saying am I an asshole for telling my neighbor it's not my problem that her newborn wakes up to noises coming from my apartment?

[C]

This is a great question.

[A]

Question. So in short, this is a great question.

[B]

This is a person.

[A]

Can we give credit to the person that asked this question?

[B]

Black Swan nyc.

[A]

This is a great question.

[B]

One of one of our neighbors, probably here in the city.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

This person says, I just moved into a one bedroom apartment. It's been vacant for a while. The unit's great and I really like it. I have a two year old golden doodle who will occasionally bark when he hears something outside the door or in the hallway. And I work from home and I'm almost always there so I correct the behavior and it's usually just a couple alert barks. Tonight at 7pm I'm having dinner with my sisters when my neighbor knocks on the door. She tells me that my dog's constant barking has been disturbing her newborn sleep and that this has apparently been going on for weeks. She also said that she has two dogs and she educated them not to bark, so I should be able to do the same with my dog. The thing is, I like my dog wasn't even barking that much when she knocked on the door. And I honestly don't believe that he's barking constantly. Since I work from home, I would notice if he was. I can hear her baby crying through the walls quite often and I've never complained about it just because it's a part of apartment living. Babies cry, dogs bark. Am I the.

[A]

Honestly, it was too long. The question was too long. It was a little long and I got. I need a cup for that. I need a cup and I need a cup bad. I need like a pint glass. I cannot drink a Guinness out of a can. I need a cup, but thank you. So can you just consolidate that? First of all, great question. Two wordy.

[C]

And you can last camping right now.

[A]

I can't drink the same bottle. I can't.

[D]

He's right about the cup.

[A]

I am right about. About the can drinking. Where did you go?

[B]

Where did you go? Because it started. You said, this is a great question. Then I started reading it. And then you went somewhere else.

[A]

You started, like, acting out his question,

[C]

like you were doing too much.

[A]

I was trying.

[B]

I was trying. I went elsewhere as well.

[A]

Say what?

[D]

I went elsewhere as well. There was a lot going on.

[B]

You started, like.

[A]

You started, like, pantomiming how he was in the situation. You're like, I just have a go.

[C]

I wasn't listening to what you were saying.

[A]

I was just, like, being so gay.

[B]

I was adding some spice for the audience at home.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That way they felt like, wow, this is like a novella.

[A]

Can you just consolidate for me?

[B]

This girl has a dog.

[D]

The dog barks, and the neighbor was a bitch about it. The neighbor was like, I taught my dogs not to bark. Why don't you do this with your dog?

[C]

Okay.

[B]

And the dog's waking up my baby.

[A]

They don't. In my experience, you can't teach a dog not to bark.

[B]

Okay, well, that's.

[A]

I think that's the wrong starting point. It's like having a dog is accepting barking.

[B]

Yeah. Thank you.

[A]

Having a child is accepting crying. Like, there's nothing you can do to teach a dog how to not bark. And I've tried most things, legal and illegal.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

No.

[B]

Well, you have a golden doodle.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And your golden doodle barks.

[A]

Yeah. He wakes the baby up. Remember the Hamptons? We'd come back from the bar, and Schultz would go. We all have to enter different doors. Yeah. You got to confuse it. You have to confuse it. Dude, this dog, it barks preemptively. Like, it hears the elevator and it starts barking.

[B]

That's.

[C]

It's supposed to do.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

But you could train it not to.

[C]

I don't think you can.

[A]

It's a dog.

[C]

Yeah, that's what they fucking there for.

[A]

Yeah, dogs bark.

[B]

You can train dogs not to bark.

[A]

No, you can't. No, no, no, no.

[B]

This girl has two dogs, and you

[C]

can't train a dog not.

[A]

She doesn't have two. This girl's a liar. Like, there's. Nobody has two dogs that both don't know how to bark. It's just not, like, humanly possible.

[C]

Like, that's like training a wife not to talk. I've been trying.

[A]

It doesn't work. Al, you're a misogynist. And if we were able to do that in 1920, we wouldn't be at war for the last. Once they started voting, we would be at war for a hundred fucking years.

[C]

Voting and started talking.

[A]

That's. Can we at least call him out for being misogynistic?

[B]

Yeah, he's a fucking misogynist, dude.

[C]

What do you mean?

[B]

No, you're a misogynist. Okay, but with this. I mean, do you think barking, like, if the dog is barking, is it the owner's fault and should she do something to stop it?

[A]

Mark, once you live in a building that allows dogs, it's like living in a building with, like, Caribbean people. There's gonna be noises when you don't want it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

This is just what we accept. It's like, if you can't be, like, the white person that moves to fucking, you know, 116th and, like, goes, oh, wow, there's bachata music playing in my building. It's like, you chose to do that. That was your move into the neighborhood where the music is playing late. You don't get to complain.

[C]

See, but then he moved it. Well, some people moved into Williamsburg and kicked out all the Puerto Ricans, so

[D]

maybe you can, but you need a critical mass. Yeah. You can't partially gentrify. You got to do.

[A]

Did you. We're talking politics. Get it on the screen. Get it on the screen. Sounds like we're being political again. Get it on the screen.

[D]

Not what I meant.

[A]

Okay, okay. We know what you're doing. No, I'm not. Okay. You're sliding those liberal San Francisco politics into this podcast. Okay, the. Now. Do you know for a fact that you moved a Puerto Rican family out of the home that you live in right now?

[B]

No, I don't think we did. I don't know who lived there before, actually. No, I do know, because we collect their mail and we give it to them. And once a week, just a regular white girl.

[A]

Regular white girl. Yeah. Okay, So I. I don't think you're responsible for it.

[B]

Moved them out.

[A]

I just think if your building allows dogs, there's going to be noise. I had a neighbor that was an influencer, and she would throw parties really late while we had a newborn.

[B]

That seems inappropriate.

[A]

Very inappropriate. I would call down. I'll call down to the front. I would call down to the front.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

I was like, I think there's a happening. Isaiah. I think there's a girl screaming, no, can you please go check on this?

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And they would call up when you call the police. Say again?

[C]

When you call the police. And.

[A]

Well, no, it wasn't actually a. But I needed to. I needed to be severe enough where they starved us. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And I would do anything in my power to stop the party from happening, and it never worked. It's just what it was. We had a newborn baby. I would go there with the crying baby to, like, you know, impose some guilt. Cocaine just. There's no guilt that gets through cocaine. Yeah. Shout out cocaine for that reason. But my point is that, like, there's nothing you can do about these things. It sucks. I empathize, but it's a dog. A dog is going to bark.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Wait, but was that girl an.

[A]

She was sweet, but she was very inconsiderate.

[C]

So bad cocaine. This person is an.

[A]

But the dog is different. You can't control the dog. You can control not having a party until 4am and blasting music with your friends all coked up.

[C]

Cocaine.

[A]

It's hard.

[B]

It's hard to control a bag.

[D]

Now you have.

[A]

Do you do code cocaine?

[D]

What?

[A]

Do you do cocaine?

[D]

Have I in my illustrious career of being a fun guy? Yes, I have. Will I ever do it again in my life? A bit. But I would not say that I do cocaine. But, like, that's a yes. Yeah. No, because there's people who are, like, into it. I actually. I think it's a very overrated drug.

[B]

You just said I have, and I will.

[D]

I've just done it because I was trying to party for more.

[A]

More hours. How? Yeah, that. Yeah. Some people you're like, I wasn't trying

[B]

to keep a baby.

[A]

I don't like working hours. I'm just trying to be skinny. Okay, so you're okay. But if. So if one of us had cocaine here, would you do it?

[D]

I would not do it.

[A]

Never. What do you mean?

[D]

Well, not never.

[B]

Have a couple beers, we'll talk about it.

[A]

All right. I'll put it to you this way.

[D]

I would not do it.

[C]

It.

[D]

Although, Schultz, if you were like, dude, we got to have a coke night, I'd be like, schultz wants to do a coke night, I could saddle up for another ride.

[A]

We're at Burning Man.

[D]

Yeah, I. In Burning Man. I would. I would say it's a strategic play, because I actually,

[A]

I think it's.

[B]

He feels about drugs, we feel about war.

[A]

We got to stop China. We got to do whatever we can.

[D]

I think it could hurt you. Like, if we're on, if we' in the middle of it, it's like the. The hangover off that is like worse than anything else. So like, I don't know if I would do it early in Burning man, but if it was like the last night and we needed a little extra gas in the tank, we felt like it was decent stuff, I might do a little chute. But again, I don't think it's a good thing to do. I don't support it.

[A]

I like him talking about coke.

[C]

Drex is like a Russian mobster.

[A]

Do you do. Do you do coke out?

[C]

Nah, I'm black.

[A]

But there was a time black people

[C]

don't do coke or admit to doing coke.

[B]

See, you crack. That was bad, but it was a

[D]

joke I thought about and decided not to say.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know. I've never. The Fentany.

[B]

The fence scares me dog.

[A]

But even before the fent, did you do coke?

[B]

No, but I've never lived before the fent. I was born the Fen, dude. That's all I've ever known. No, like, I got to College in 2015 and by that point it was already like, I think Mac Miller had died. Oh, it was already like, ah, it's what's. What's it worth, you know?

[C]

Yeah, I think it was the dumbest

[B]

way to die like that.

[C]

And now it's back up. Cuz people younger than him, they're all,

[A]

they're all in on. Yeah, they're all, yeah, it's a party drug. They just do it every weekend.

[C]

Like it's not back in. It's regular now.

[D]

It's one of the least fun ones though, cuz like you get a little energy, but you get a little anxiety and you want to die the next day.

[A]

Like, oh, the hangover is crazy. I. I've done it once. I put on my gums once. And then I did it at Burning man once and I got it at Burning Man. I was like, oh, I get this. This is the perfect thing to extend the night. As you were saying.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

But the next day,

[D]

what goes up must come down.

[A]

That is true.

[D]

There is a reality to all these things. I mean, like, even I, in my heyday, you know, absolutely love Molly.

[A]

You know, it's incredible.

[D]

And I still do, but I just can't deploy it too much because it'll kill you for like four days.

[A]

Can I give you an. Can I you my honest feeling on. On Molly?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Because there are some people that might be at the office that will remain nameless that are like, oh, I just want the pure mdma. You're gay. I want the pill of ecstasy that has all the other crazy. Not Fentanyl, but whatever else is in there.

[B]

A little meth.

[A]

Oh, my God. What I would do. What I would do if I knew we had 24 hours, just double. We had some dough, some honey, bu. A shovel.

[B]

A shovel and a bag of sand.

[D]

Oh, dude, I did Coachella like, 11 years in a row. Something like that.

[A]

You know what we need?

[C]

Honey butter.

[A]

The knife, Poppers. The nicest thing about ecstasy is that, like, you don't get horny. At least for me, you get, like, lovey.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it kind of protects you in a relationship. Coke. I feel like you could make some erratic decisions. Decisions I don't know for a fact, but I imagine alcohol, even, you get too up, you know, gets a little crazy. Crazy ecstasy. You're like, yo, let's just talk about how great we all are.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. That's a mixing of it. Because usually if I'm doing those drugs, there's a lot of alcohol also.

[A]

Yeah, you gotta have a little alcohol. Or a little Adderall, too.

[D]

Yes. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

But then once that pill hits, once

[C]

that Tesla hits, ecstasy makes my dick stop worse. Working completely.

[A]

Really?

[C]

I remember I went down for about three hours just trying to get it up.

[A]

You went down on a girl for three hours? Yeah.

[D]

That's a lot of pussy, bro.

[B]

I was wired.

[C]

I was wired. Just waiting for it to get. I'm like, the moment. Five minutes.

[A]

No, that's insane. Yeah. I'm like, did you enjoy that high off the ecstasy, I thought, yeah.

[C]

Cause it's like you're just in this blissful state. It's like, oh, I'll do this forever.

[A]

Yeah, dude.

[D]

You just were lost in the pussy.

[B]

I swear to God.

[D]

That's kind of beautiful.

[A]

I want to talk too much to you. I'd be coming up, like, what do we think about?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Think about movie. Even Private Ryan was incredible.

[D]

If you did both, it'd probably feel amazing. If you're just like, oh, my God. Just hum and nose on the clit.

[C]

Dude.

[B]

Al on a Molly hangover is the funniest thing. Like, a pool in Mexico.

[A]

Oh, that was.

[C]

We were listening.

[B]

We were listening to, like, Dance with My Father. Like, this is when we were in

[A]

the hotel pool and we were all so down.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It was dark.

[B]

I felt kind of normal.

[D]

It's like you're younger.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I think it's a big difference. I can't do what I used to

[B]

it was like the first time I ever did Molly, too. So, like, I felt kind of fine.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was just like, all right. That was fun. He's got a towel over his head. He's just leaning over the pool, just crying.

[A]

Just like. It was like, oh, my God. In front of all the voice, I was like, I got to get out. I got to get it out.

[B]

It was like fourth quarter Kobe, just, like, towering.

[C]

But I'm telling you, the night before.

[A]

Oh, my God. Remember that club that had, like, the things projected on the wall and you could, like, see. You could see the. They're not, like. I don't even know what you would call them. Like, the smoke machine allowed you to see the light. The lasers projected. One of our friends was having a panic attack. Ben Uyeda, who's the coolest, calmest dude on the planet, was, like, sitting next to him, just trying to, like, regulate him. It was adorable. Mark was feeling emotions for the first time in his autistic life.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

And then.

[B]

And I was being super gushy, but still hedging like I was going to people. I was like, hey, dude, I know it's just the Molly, but I do love you.

[A]

Which is, like, the gayest way to do drugs.

[B]

Be like, hey, I know. This is, like, just the drugs.

[A]

That is. I love it. I relate to that so much.

[B]

Like, I know I'm being extra right now, but, like, I do. Like, you're sick.

[D]

Yeah, but that's what you were like.

[B]

That's the.

[D]

You regret the next day you wake up and you're like, holy. I was, like, really nice and vulnerable and honest to someone.

[B]

Is that where you.

[A]

I love that. I don't even know.

[B]

That's why I was crying.

[A]

Yeah. What were you so sad about?

[C]

I don't even remember. It was such a good night where just like, man.

[A]

And then remember we tried to, like, sweat it out. We were in the pool for a while, and then we moved to the sauna.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And we're like, yeah, maybe we can sweat out our sadness.

[D]

It's worth a shot.

[A]

No. Oh, that was dark, dude.

[D]

It's tough in there.

[A]

Yeah, that was dark.

[B]

Sauna gets dark.

[C]

Dude.

[B]

I almost passed out a sauna one time. Did I ever tell you this?

[C]

No.

[A]

I was at.

[B]

There's a. A rock climbing gym near us, and it has a communal SAUNA that's, like six people. And it always gets packed with, like, 14 to 15 people people. And there's, like, a ton of lore in that sauna. Like, apparently someone Ate a burrito and it accidentally fell onto the rocks. Another guy had like a protein shake and thought it was water, so he tried to pour it on the rocks. Protein shake and smoked everywhere. So it's just a legendary little spot. And I was in there on like a three day fast and I hadn't eaten anything. I'm sitting in the sauna. It's like eight people. And everyone's like, very chatty. We're talking. And then I just started to black out. And I'm just in the song, like, fighting for my life, trying not to black out. And everyone's like, mark, you good? I'm like, yeah, I'm just gonna pop, pop out. And then like I walk out and my legs aren't working and my knees are shaking. And I just lay down in the middle of the gym,

[D]

just like crucifixed

[B]

out, just looking up at the sky. Like, I texted my wife and I was like, I love you. I swear to God, I thought it was. I thought that was it. I was like, I love you. She's like, love you too. What time are you home? And I was like, can't even respond right now. It's too much.

[D]

Was it like a spiritual experience you were having? Just think. You were going to die?

[B]

No, it was near death. I saw everything flash. I saw the whole thing.

[A]

Ask. Ask Mark about his latest ecstasy experience.

[D]

What about your latest e experience?

[A]

You told him to talk about it, but he's just trying to keep me.

[D]

Appreciate that laugh.

[A]

He didn't talk for like four hours straight. He. He just sat there, just pondering life. You were in a bad place, dude. No.

[B]

Okay, here you go.

[A]

You were in a bad place. I. Not even exaggerating. You kept asking questions like, what happening to me? Your hands were shaking. It was like, no, this is true.

[B]

Why are you making.

[A]

I'm not even doing the thing where I exaggerate.

[C]

You're getting red. So he's. He's.

[A]

He's like, yo, you talking about some. You're not supp.

[D]

Right?

[A]

You kept googling things like, what is these common side effects of this drug? He kept like asking us, like, are you also feeling this? I did.

[B]

I don't even know.

[A]

You don't remember this?

[B]

No, I have no. I can't tell who's with me.

[A]

I don't remember.

[B]

But afterwards I was bad.

[A]

This is where you were on stage and then you come off stage and go. I just watched myself do that from a third person view. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Afterwards, when it was bad. So I Think I got what they call HPPD or DPD something. It's basically like derealization, where like, all of a sudden you feel like you're watching yourself. Like, you feel like you're not really in your body. I got all types of.

[C]

This is not ecstasy. What the fuck did you guys have?

[A]

Like, whoever had that?

[C]

Yeah, like, the fuck did you guys have?

[A]

I got that once in college.

[C]

You had Eye on.

[A]

Yeah. Now weed. I got it from brownies. We made brownies. And I was high for, like 48 hours or 72 hours.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was like, a few seconds behind my body. So, like, everything would happen and then I would kind of realize it happened.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And I remember this is. This has been going on for like, a few hours. Like, I'd watch the guys play FIFA and then they'd score a goal, and, like, I kind of hear them celebrate, and then I'd see the go goal score. It was very weird.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I remember, like, I was like, man, I got to throw up. And then I. Oh, shit, I'm probably already throwing up. And it was everywhere. Everywhere. Like, I got up out of the room and then just projectiled all down the hallway into the bathroom. And it was because I was a few seconds back.

[B]

Did you clean it up?

[A]

I don't even know what happened. I think we moved or something. Like, it was crazy. It was like SpaghettiO. No, it was ramen noodles and everywhere. And I haven't had ramen since.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Like, I had a bad, bad memory with it. It was like trauma.

[D]

Wheat edibles are one of the most underrated drugs in terms of how up you can get. Like, you're psychologically out to lunch. When it goes great, it's awesome.

[B]

But.

[D]

But I think we've all spent a lot of time in, like, high school and college just freaking out.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Like your story about watching people play FIFA. I've definitely been watching people playing video games. Like, trying to pretend I'm having fun.

[A]

Fun.

[D]

Having an existential crisis. And just, like. Just like laughing at random times, trying to stay involved.

[B]

I'm just right there. Why did I do that?

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I'm having a problem.

[A]

Too introspective.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I want to get out.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I spent enough time in here.

[C]

We grew up at the time they're trying to figure the edibles out. Now they have it figured out. Like, now it's like, oh, what dose do you want? How much you want?

[A]

Oh, really?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, you can get 5 milligrams dosage.

[B]

It's great.

[D]

We used to be eating random brownies.

[B]

Yeah. This is what all of our parents. Parents are taking, by the way. Everyone's parents are doing edibles. Yep.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

And they're pretending that they're not on drugs all the time. But everyone's parents are doing it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

When you say everyone's, are you implying that your parents are doing edibles?

[B]

My parents. Your parents. Your parents, probably.

[A]

No, no, no.

[D]

Yeah, my mom. They'll be like, oh, I'm just gonna take a gummy so I can go to sleep. That's what they say. But they're doing pot.

[A]

My mom's just drinking 40s. She's not on the edibles at all. I like how she stays consistent. My parents refrigerator looks like a heroin addict. It's like there's like, some, like, random bread that's supposed to not have carbs in it. And then keto bread is like hero bread. Yeah, it's like hero. Hero brand. I see that. It's like all this stuff from my dad's diabetes, and then just like, a bottle of Stoli and I'm like, oh, I wonder who that's for one. Who's taking that to the face at night. She's drinking Old English. What is she drinking? She used to drink four 30s. Yeah. Old English. Yeah.

[D]

Alcohol is famously good for your sleep. It's good for helping. It does knock you out.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, Yeah.

[A]

I would come back at like, 2 when I, like, live with my parents, and then my mom would be just up, just drinking a 40th Coors Light or old English.

[D]

That would be startling.

[A]

Yeah, that's startling for me. Imagine the girl that walked in and found out I found out I lived with my parents and that they drink 40s at 2 and 40. I had a girl turn around at the door.

[D]

I was like, do you want to play dice?

[A]

Turned around at the door, I was like. I was like, oh, hey, Mom. And then the girl was like, who's that? I was like, oh, that's my mom. My mom just turns around with a 40. Like, oh, to eat. What do you think she told her

[B]

friends the next day? She's like, I banged a dude who lives with a pirate.

[C]

Turned around at the door.

[A]

She went right back in the. Yeah, yeah. I couldn't believe it.

[C]

That's great.

[A]

I couldn't believe it.

[B]

Do you sidebar with your mom or you, like.

[A]

All right, well, there's nothing I could say in the hose. Yeah. It was just a thing where, like, my mom wouldn't, like, have, like, a Cell phone or anything. So it would just be like, if we go back late enough, maybe she'll be asleep.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Just roll the dice.

[C]

She was up, bro.

[A]

She was up, man.

[C]

Damn.

[A]

Drinking 40s, watching old Balanchine ballet. Oh, really? Yeah.

[B]

She's literally just watching ballet.

[A]

She's been watching like.

[D]

She upset about the Chalamet.

[B]

Yeah. His devotion furious.

[A]

But they even get upset. Was it. It's just ballet and opera people don't go to anymore. That's what he was saying.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Come on. They don't go.

[B]

Okay, well, so.

[C]

All right, Shelton.

[B]

We don't need that.

[C]

We don't need that.

[B]

What you say about Shelton?

[A]

I don't need that. I come from a dance family. You have to understand. I come from a dance fan.

[C]

You know, our fans love ballet.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Fans are.

[A]

Yeah. We don't need eat right cracker in their kitchen.

[C]

Yeah. Put the charity up. Put the charity.

[B]

You got to get your mom with edibles, dude. I think she would like it.

[C]

Charlie. Low dose, five milligrams.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Maybe two and a half. I'm a. With edibles.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know. My mom. My mom tried to do weed with my brother. Like, instead of telling him to not do it, she's like, you know what? So old just now try to do. I know she tried to smoke my brother to like, all right, he's going to do whatever. I'm just going to embrace it so I can, like, do it with him. Right. And he went to a lot of rehabs after that, so I don't know if it's the best. I don't know if it's the best. The best thing to enable for him.

[D]

But for her.

[B]

Yeah, maybe.

[A]

Maybe not. Maybe not. Alcohol is the best thing for the Scots. They. They hold it in and then they just need that release. And then you would think they would like weed.

[B]

Consider they're like, basically Jamaican.

[A]

That's the Irish breast.

[C]

Say Irish.

[B]

Oh, that goes. Irish. Scots.

[A]

They're not really Jamaican. The Scots are. The Irish are super Jamaican.

[B]

Did you see this video?

[D]

No.

[B]

The guy from Cork. That's where he's from.

[A]

It's great. It's a politician.

[B]

Yeah. He's basically talking in, like, the Irish Congress. Congress, whatever the hell that is. And his accent is just genuinely Jamaican.

[D]

Oh, so it's like the bacon beer can thing.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah. But like, it. It's just a guy doing a Jamaican accent. Yeah. And Jamaicans love it.

[D]

They're fired up. Hell, yeah. They haven't been this happy since Chad Hanks.

[B]

Exactly. This is like the real Chet Hanks.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

This guy was born with.

[A]

Here it is.

[C]

Go.

[A]

Someone in this government ever stand up and take a responsibility for their job? He brought all the new shiny booklet. It looks great. 140 pages. 100.

[B]

I mean, that's his actual accent and rules. It's unbelievable.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

That's awesome. Yeah.

[B]

Kind of the best thing ever. It's just white boys with Jamaican accents. I mean, come on.

[A]

But is that where the Jamaican accent comes from?

[B]

I feel like that's what people are trying to say. Because I think they're saying that, like, Irish servants ended up. West African slaves were in Jamaica.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Under English colonial rules. Rule.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And they were just big up in each other, just non stop.

[D]

See, this is the difference between me and Mark, because he's looked into it. I was just gonna say. No, I don't think so. No, I think they just ended up there.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I don't know.

[B]

English language can only go so many ways.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, you're gonna.

[D]

But this is the first time we've had that thought. I mean, aside, you know, bacon, beer can. But like, we don't walk around hearing Irish people and thinking Jamaican.

[A]

You're right, Mark. The Jewish.

[B]

Wait, no, no, no, no.

[A]

The Jamaican accent and patois. TWA. Developed from a 17th century Creole blending British Irish English dialects with West African languages. Enslaved people adapted the language of British colonists, incorporating African grammatical structures, phonetic patterns and vocabulary. The distinctive. What is that word? Lilith. Lilith. Lilt. I think the Irish probably deserve some reparations.

[B]

So do black people. We do black people and the Irish.

[A]

I. I think like a really drama

[C]

drunk, late night thought one time I was like, the Irish are the closest to being black because they got the freckles. So they're in the middle of evolution.

[D]

They're on the path.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

They're trying to get there.

[B]

Exactly. I mean, if I train my hurtis, redheads are.

[A]

Could be a black. I think you guys skipped over what you actually said, which was crazy.

[B]

Okay, well, it depends with what you're going.

[A]

Yeah, I'm going that way.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no. That's not what.

[C]

You migrate straight north and then you lose some of your complexion. And they're currently in the middle of losing their complexion.

[A]

Got it. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You just said evolution and people think of the char. No, no, no.

[B]

Like Pokemon, maybe. No.

[A]

Okay. I don't know. Charity.

[B]

Charity.

[A]

12 minutes.

[C]

NCAA for that one.

[A]

NCAA. You got it.

[C]

No, no, you got it.

[D]

Oh, my God. It's also an organization that dispr.

[A]

Go, Alex. No, Al, you got. Yeah.

[C]

Guys, it's my time.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Play March Madness, the song by Future.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

That's.

[A]

That is a good point, though. What has put more. What has given black people more opportunity to put more money in their pockets than the ncaa? That's a great point. You think it's the NAACP or the ncp? CIA these days?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

With the NIL contracts.

[C]

With the nil.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

But prior to nil, prior to that, different conversation.

[A]

Totally different.

[D]

College athletes were like the Irish for a long time.

[A]

That's right. It's true.

[D]

Outside even.

[C]

That's a good point. Ally.

[A]

Ncaa. Oh, Al.

[C]

Son, I have one. One and a half.

[A]

One and up.

[C]

Yeah, right.

[A]

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[D]

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[A]

there are some other things that you have for us.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, we have some more hypotheticals if you want to go through those, which I don't think you do.

[A]

I. No, I thought that got us on a nice little groove, to be honest with you.

[B]

Yeah. Let's pop back. Let's go back to these Reddit hypotheticals. All right, zoom in real quick. Let's see another one.

[A]

Iran.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no.

[A]

We don't talk about it.

[B]

Scroll up a little bit. Oh, this one is the. The My friend drank my wine. This one's kind of funny. So basically, in short.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

A guy is leaving for the weekend. He has an apartment. He has his friend staying. He's going to take care of the apartment.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

He goes, hey, help yourself to anything.

[A]

He's guilty. He comes back.

[B]

He lives there. He lives there, but he's leaving and he's. He has his friends staying with him, going to take care of the cat and stay at his place.

[C]

Got it. Okay, okay, okay.

[B]

He comes back. He has a $200 bottle of wine that he was saving in the fridge to drink when he got a promotion.

[D]

The bottle of wine is $200, and in the fridge, $200 bottle of white.

[B]

I imagine some. It's some type of wine.

[A]

Vintage Barolo. It's a red. The guy is. Yeah, it's. The guy's a person. I already dismiss his grievance, but continue.

[B]

He says, help yourself to whatever. He comes back, the wine is gone, and he's like, dude, you drank my expensive bottle. What the fuck? And the guy's like, yeah, you said help yourself to whatever. And then he, Venmo requests him and says, hey, give me 80 bucks. I'll give you a deal on it. But like, pay me something. And now the friend is bad mouthing him to the whole group chat, saying a piece of.

[A]

Sounds to me like he's not getting this promotion. That's funny, because if he got the promotion, I don't think he'd be worried about the $120 bottle of wine.

[B]

But it's more the principle.

[A]

It's not the principle. You said take whatever you want. The classy thing to be to do would be to replace the bottle of wine. Obviously, that's what you should do. So this guy's kind of a for drinking it and then not wanting to at least, you know, leave a gift or something.

[C]

He's not a for drinking it. Cause the guy said, hey, have Whatever you want. He didn't know. He didn't know prior. Hey, I'm saving this bottle of wine for something.

[D]

He probably doesn't know the cost of the wine. He just sees wine.

[C]

Just a fucking wine bottle. Yeah.

[D]

Or it doesn't look like it was in the fridge. I think it was just out on the count.

[A]

Nobody knows how much wine costs. It's so arbitrary. He should have said this. Hey, this bottle of wine is really expensive and there's no way that you would know it. Don't drink that one. But help yourself to everything else if it was that important. That's a whole sentence. Ye. That's how she assumes someone knows the

[D]

price on the bottle. I would replace. But if you say help yourself to

[A]

whatever you want, imagine, for example, you had a Lenny Kravitz bottle of champagne. Right? Like the finest.

[B]

Which has gone up in value per the last time we talked about this. Let everyone know.

[A]

Finest champagne that exists on the planet.

[B]

It's a collectible.

[A]

The Lenny Kravitz bottle of Moet Chandon or whatever it was. Right.

[B]

Dom P. Dude.

[A]

Oh, Dom Perryon. But the. The Lenny Kravitz varietal.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

A grape that. They've been clearly darker. The berry.

[B]

Moving on.

[A]

That's a great point, though. It is a white. Now, now, now. If somebody drank your Lenny Kravitz bottle of champagne, do you have a justification in being frustrated by that?

[B]

I'd be livid, bro.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'd be livid.

[A]

Alex.

[C]

No, I told him you can have anything in the crib. That's in the crib, Joseph.

[D]

I think I'd be bummed. But you have to. You have to look inward.

[A]

If you.

[D]

If you tell people they can drink stuff.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Can't be mad when it happens.

[B]

I'd be pissed. I'd want to run away. I don't want to fly away.

[A]

This was Mark's wedding gift to me.

[B]

I. Which was a good gift. It was a. You remember this? No.

[D]

I've listened to the podcast, talked about it.

[B]

It was a good gift. Okay. It was the only one they had. I went in, I was like. It was the first wedding gift I ever got. Not anyone. No.

[A]

It's a person. You can't say it's a good gift and it's the only thing they had.

[B]

Okay, hold on.

[A]

Those things are just usually a registry.

[D]

You're supposed to be buying people like salad bowls, bro.

[B]

It was the first gift I ever gave anyone in your life for a wedding. Yeah. I've never given anyone a wedding Gift ever.

[A]

Mark, you have 14 brothers and sisters.

[B]

I don't give them gifts, bro.

[A]

What do you do?

[B]

You just show up.

[C]

You know, they was doing their thing before.

[A]

Never mind.

[B]

We spoke about it last time.

[A]

How about, you know, know the girls

[C]

were doing their thing?

[A]

Holy cat. That's just not political missile cluster.

[B]

But, no, it's. It was the only one they had. I flew up to New York for one day to try to put it in the apartment. So I flew up. I was like, okay. When I got married, effort don't count.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

When? When me?

[A]

When me, bro, I've been trying to tell. Don't steal money. Don't ste. Come on. Effort don't count. That's part of effort.

[C]

Don't count as yay. You chose to do that. That's part of it.

[B]

Effort should be a part of it.

[C]

No, it's not.

[B]

Because when I got married, we came home, our roommates got us, like, a nice gift in the apartment. It was like flowers, and it was like a nice bottle of wine or champagne, and it was like, oh, a little reminder when we got home from,

[C]

yeah, they're your fucking roommate. So that was a gift for them as well?

[B]

No, they didn't have it. You know what I mean? We just showed up, and it was there, and it was like, oh, nice. The honeymoon continues. You know, it's nice.

[A]

Yo, remember when Mark acted? I was at a spice question. Did I do this? All right, from the top.

[B]

Let me try.

[A]

Get a drink of Guinness, guys. You guys get to get on. This is really nice. They had 10. You come the IRA.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Google something.

[D]

Two Joey's in one room is crazy. Like, I made a mistake.

[B]

Imagine you come home from your honeymoon and the wedding continues, and you have nice flowers, and you have a collectible bottle of champagne.

[C]

You want Sher's?

[D]

Yes, please.

[B]

You have a collectible bottle of champagne in your apartment?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That's a nice gift.

[A]

Hold on, hold on. We got to talk about one thing at a time. Alex is trying to understand the technology in the Guinness.

[B]

There's a bottle. There's a little ball in there.

[D]

There is a little ball in there. It helps keep the Guinness, okay?

[B]

Yeah, I don't know. No one knows how it works.

[A]

It's a hydrogen. It's a hydrogen ball.

[D]

It's a hydrogen ball. Keep the Guinness, okay?

[A]

Oh, nitrogen. Whoopsie. There's a hydrogen. I knew.

[B]

No, it's an H ball. It's an H ball.

[C]

I don't know what you got to talk about.

[B]

I still Stand by the fact. It was a nice gift. I.

[C]

In.

[B]

In hindsight. In hindsight, I didn't get to feel like.

[A]

Hold on one second, Mark. Feels like there's 1, 2, few, many Guinnesses here. Did you get another one?

[B]

I. I think.

[A]

Did you have one yet?

[D]

All right, we'll get another one. I haven't seen this Schultz in a minute.

[A]

Dude, I love this Schultz.

[D]

I feel like I'm back on the road, like 10 years ago.

[A]

Nashville is going to be fun. We're blacking out tonight. Date night with a new couple with the wife. It's going to be great, and it's going to be awesome. Let's go. Ballistic missiles.

[C]

What the fuck is inside of a game?

[A]

Just tell me what you want me to. There's a nitrogen filled widget plastic sphere that releases gas when the can is open, creating a signature creamy cascading head found in pub poured trash. Oh, my goodness. It replaces the. It replicates the nitrogenation process, ensuring smooth, velvety texture at home. How do you not know that?

[C]

Holy.

[A]

Yeah, you learn something every day. I had no idea. What is that word? Nitrogenation?

[B]

No, it's nitrogenation, bro. That's what we're all about.

[A]

I'm all about Nitrogen nation. That's who we are.

[B]

We are the nitrogen nation, dude.

[C]

Cheers, guys.

[A]

No, I'm not cheersing that little cup, bro. Yeah, you guys are splitting a Guinness. 50. 50.

[D]

I gave him the rest of spray.

[A]

Huh?

[C]

No, I just gave him the rest of mine.

[A]

No, you have to drink a full Guinness to yourself.

[C]

I don't do beer. I'm going to start peeing.

[A]

This is not beer. This is Guinness.

[B]

Guinness.

[A]

It's a totally different concept. It is a literal, totally different thing. I promise you, you'll see it the second you put your lips on it. Second you suck down that black. Dang. You going? Does that taste like beer to you?

[C]

It's different. It's actually smoother.

[A]

Thank you.

[D]

Yeah, it is smoother.

[C]

It doesn't have. What's the ones, the IPAs. I don't like those.

[A]

I hate that.

[D]

This is like the opposite of that.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[D]

And it's actually less like you. You would assume that this is like a heavy beer, but it's actually not. It's lighter.

[C]

Yeah, I was thinking it was going

[B]

to be like, that's not good for you. I don't believe. It's true.

[A]

It's a lighter calorie beer. It's true. It's a lighter pat. Calorie beer. You know, I'm ticklish I know. Do you know the Indian Pale Ale? Do you know the story with this?

[C]

No, I didn't.

[A]

Do you guys know the story about the ipa, the Indian Pale Ale?

[C]

No, I don't.

[A]

You don't know this?

[C]

I do not. I would like to know. Tell me.

[A]

Okay, where do I begin?

[C]

Let me give you enough time to come over you a lie.

[A]

It's not a lie. But what I'm going to do is I'm going to tell you what's important. My brain. And it will be about like 25%, right. And then we'll Google it.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. The hops were going bad as they sent them to India from wherever hops are from. Okay. Which I assume was Africa. Joke about black people jumping. Okay. So. So no, no. As it's going from Britain to India, they're giving them beer. They're like, you guys should have fun. Like, we took all your shit, but you should have fun too. So they're saying the hops. The hops are going bad. They got to find a way to keep the hops good. So they put catfish in the hops.

[B]

Okay. Can we try another version?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Why would catfish be in India? The catfish keep the hops good for some reason. And that's why it goes that way. I'm not right. But there's something about it is they

[D]

just put more hops in it to keep it from going bad.

[A]

And there's eventually.

[C]

How does that make it?

[A]

There's also catfish.

[D]

Is there actually catfish?

[B]

No, there's no catfish.

[A]

There's a catfish part of it. There might be. I might not have gotten that far yet. Yeah, you got to look into the catfish.

[B]

Do you know the actual thing?

[A]

But yeah, they're brewed it with more hop so that it could survive the ship.

[C]

No, they put a nitrogenation thing in.

[A]

No, they didn't have that.

[B]

They did.

[A]

No. Catfish were not put in the hops in India. Oh.

[B]

It's a myth and it pops up online occasionally.

[A]

Oh, really?

[C]

Holy shit.

[A]

Well, look up the catfish. Look at the catfish myth.

[C]

I knew just wrote this in Google.

[A]

No, look up the catfish myth.

[B]

It's a notorious myth.

[D]

Notoriously. Will tell you you're correct about this

[C]

all the time, right? Yeah.

[D]

And if it doesn't know the answer, it will lie to you and tell you it's true.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

These are two things I saw this week.

[C]

That's horrible for this guy.

[D]

Could be lies.

[B]

Okay. The IPA myth refers to a belief that IPA was invented because 18th century British pale ales spoiled during the long Voyage to India, requiring them to add extra hops and alcohol to preserve them.

[A]

I don't think it says catfish.

[D]

Any catfish.

[B]

Well, not a widespread folklore. Evil catfish is a specific brand of IPA by. All right, this is just a plug for this IPA brand.

[A]

It's just got a free plug on the pod. Okay. Okay. Well, you know what I'm probably doing is I'm. I'm. I'm confusing two different stories.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

There was something that they were sending over there. It was probably fish.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then they had to throw some catfish in there to keep those fish alive because those fish would atrophy and eventually die. But if they had a catfish trying to eat them, they'd be swimming around and they'd be okay.

[B]

I mean, that sounds like a good. Sounds like a good theory. Like barrels of fish. Tell me something like that.

[A]

Tell me, Tell me.

[B]

No, no, I think he's going to find it.

[A]

Tell me.

[B]

Not finding any catfish.

[D]

It sounds right. It sounds. It sounds interesting.

[B]

Yeah, I was dialed on that. I thought that was.

[A]

That sounds. It did when I was saying it. Yes, it sounds like something.

[D]

Catfish even eat other fish.

[C]

Oh, you gotta keep the fish alive by having another fish chase it.

[B]

Yeah, it's true.

[D]

Because if it would eat the fish, then the fish would.

[A]

They did.

[D]

It would just die.

[A]

But they can only eat so many fish, and then the other fish are like, yo, we gotta keep swimming. This is true. There's a truth to this. There's something. There is a hidden truth to this we have to figure out.

[D]

It's a metaphor.

[B]

Maybe.

[D]

Maybe it's just about kind of our own lives.

[B]

We're the catfish in a way.

[A]

In life, we are the catfish. Timmy. Timmy. Shalam fishing podcast.

[C]

I get you.

[A]

So crabs.

[C]

No, but this is fish.

[A]

It's crabs in America, this is fish. Yeah, but you guys can't. You know, whatever. I don't want to get into it. I. I don't want to. I don't want to play crabs in a.

[D]

But fish in a barrel.

[A]

Exactly. We're gonna move this to Patreon in a few seconds. I'm gonna try this. Can you put a charity. Can you put a charity.

[B]

Catfish in need. Go.

[A]

Give me, give me, give me. Do you have it for. Can't find anything. You. Listen, there's something about the catfish. I'm gonna break out my phone. You guys entertain.

[B]

All right.

[C]

No, we gotta put. This is charity. Put a. A pack at the bottom.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Is that a character you donate to them?

[A]

No.

[B]

You know, I guess you could.

[C]

Right?

[D]

You could probably donate back, depending on what you're into.

[C]

They give back.

[B]

That isn't that nice.

[C]

Whether you like it or not, it's

[B]

nice to see a charity. Give back.

[A]

Give back.

[B]

That's kind of thought.

[D]

Now we talked about sh. Do you guys have any interest in the Oscars?

[B]

I don't.

[C]

Shut up.

[D]

Just trying to get us out of catfish.

[B]

No, I know nothing about the Oscars.

[C]

I had nothing. I know.

[D]

No, I don't either. But like.

[A]

Well, I just.

[D]

But it's a big thing that people care about. So I was just curious if you guys do.

[C]

Oh, he got a figure in there.

[D]

I'll watch it though. I feel like I figured obligated to watch it.

[A]

Catfish were historically used in fish transport containers, but probably not for the reason most people think. When live fish were transported, especially by ship or rail in the 19th and 20th centuries before four women, they were often kept in large tanks or barrels with circulating water. In some cases, a catfish was added to the tank with other fish such as cod, perch or carp. Why catfish? Let me do it like Mark. Why? Why catfish? Okay.

[B]

That's not how I do that.

[A]

Catfish are extremely hardy and behave differently than many schooling fish. Two commonly cited reasons they keep other fish moving. Catfish are bottom dwelling scavengers who constantly move around. Their presence would stir the other fish, preventing them from becoming lethargic or s. Sinking or suffocating in the stagnant conditions. Movement meant water circulating through their gills, which improves survival during transport. They also clean the tank. Catfish also eat scraps and waste which help keep water slightly cleaner during long journeys. That's the story of Indian Pale Ale.

[B]

I feel like I read it. We both were reading them with like some energies. Animated, you know.

[A]

Did I do a good job?

[B]

I think you did a good job.

[A]

Guys, can we just act? Can we just get. Can we do some acting?

[B]

You don't want to do this every time we drink. He tries to do scene work.

[A]

Can we just. Scene work?

[D]

Dude, you and I are both working out.

[B]

Yo.

[A]

Can we talk about your thing or is that. Yeah, yeah. So he's in a huge show. Yeah.

[B]

Really?

[C]

What show?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Vince Vaughn starring Bad Monkey.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Coming out on Apple Massive.

[D]

I'll be in season two and.

[A]

Well, season one is.

[D]

Season one's out, but I'll be in season two also.

[A]

This is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Bill Lawrence. Do you guys know who Bill Lawrence is? Would you like to rifle off some credits?

[B]

Feel he's not taking this seriously?

[D]

No, he's like a. He's like a king in the TV game. Ted. Lasso. Spin City. Shrinking. Lost me there.

[C]

Lost me.

[A]

But had lasso.

[C]

No, the first two I did, but then the third one I didn't.

[A]

Oh, shrinking.

[C]

Yeah, it's great.

[A]

City. Back in the day, when we were kids, that was. Was more of a. It was a white.

[D]

He wrote on Friends back in the day. And it's like he's.

[B]

Show with no black people.

[A]

Yes. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Well, okay, it was black people.

[D]

He didn't run that show. It wasn't his show. Stand up for my guy.

[A]

Wait, was there no black people in Friends, was it?

[D]

No, there was a thing.

[B]

It's kind of in the name

[A]

New York City.

[C]

Not a single white person.

[A]

Come on, guys. You know what that is? That is hilarious.

[D]

It's actually crazy, like, living in New York and then thinking about the concept of a show. And it's like a bunch of people in New York who always go to a coffee shop next to Central Park. Like, I don't.

[A]

I don't know. Look, I don't think that's. I actually think that the show is, like, probably a good representation of, like, that group of people in New York, you know, like. Yeah, I think that, like, when you watch Friends and you see that group, are you surprised at all that they don't have minority friends?

[C]

No, not necessarily. But they would have interacted with.

[A]

Yeah, but they don't. Begrudgingly even that. You know what I mean? Like, there are these little pockets in New York that I think that represents really well. Like, I don't know if there are black people in Seinfeld.

[B]

There's notoriously.

[C]

No, there is black people inside.

[B]

I bet you there's more black people than Friends.

[C]

No, let's put. I'll put money on it.

[A]

Who's the black guy in Seinfeld?

[B]

Kramer. Doesn't count.

[D]

Why does he have his ass?

[C]

He was the parking lot guy that, like, Kramer. He took over.

[A]

Kramer took over for the parking lot guy?

[C]

Pretty sure he was.

[B]

There's one episode where a guy has a working blue caller.

[A]

John. Hey, the point is. The point is this. These. These parts of New York were the ones that were put on television. Oh, is that the guy?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We had Johnny Cock. Come on, Jackie child. Look at that. Another guy. See, Seinfeld. Way more.

[D]

I have kind of realized Mark has set up a friend's existence for him in New York. And I set up a Seinfeld because me and my wife live in a building, okay? In the same building. Two of my best friends in high school. And so we get to have that kind of Seinfeld burst through the door energy. Oh, wow. Goes to a coffee shop every day and meets with the same.

[C]

Yeah, actually, hold on to that coffee shop. I was like, whoa, am I allowed here, guys? No.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, they work there, but they are like.

[A]

But they're not even that.

[B]

He did get fired, but. He got fired. But they did for a long time. Okay. It's not my fault.

[A]

You move here and you recreate your life from where you are from.

[B]

Yes, exactly.

[C]

Catfish.

[B]

Exactly. We're trying to lure you guys in. You bring some catfish, you might show up. All that to say, I do go to the coffee shop a lot. And we go with the same group of people every single morning. And it's basically friends.

[D]

It's really cool. It's a cool community. You see this? You got an old guy, you know, you have babies.

[C]

Yeah, I went there once. I'm like, this is a TV show. They're all characters there.

[B]

Yeah, it's nice. Miles goes.

[A]

Okay. Before we move on, we were talking about Joey acting.

[B]

Oh, yeah, it's fun.

[A]

If you want Miles.

[C]

Miles off his game today, bro.

[A]

Miles. No, Miles.

[B]

The only one that's not blacking out right now.

[A]

We should have said that Miles is blood, like, from the beginning.

[B]

Oh, my gosh.

[A]

Kept me off camera and just said,

[B]

oh, that's a great idea.

[C]

For like, a year, they thought I was.

[A]

Wait, did you just. Son, they still think that Chris Moreau is Asian idiots.

[C]

But in early flagrant day, they thought you were white.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you hear Miles's little camera thing?

[A]

Oh, boy.

[B]

This is such a funny little.

[A]

What? What is it?

[B]

No, Miles obviously has the camera just in case, you know, he says something really funny. People want to see, you know, I mean, it gets people looped into the action. No one wants to see and. No, people want to see.

[C]

No, people get a lot of bad comments.

[B]

People are demanding it.

[A]

Dude, get the ham sandwich off. Scre.

[B]

Yeah, people want it.

[A]

I can't laugh because I'll pee. Go pee.

[B]

Breaking his egg.

[C]

Told you.

[B]

The last episode, Miles said a really funny joke right at the very beginning before he turned his camera on.

[A]

Oh, no.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But did you.

[A]

Did you recreate that show? Sometimes I'll film a pickup. Oh, my God. He's filming pickups alone. Producer pickups way. Now, mind you, I'm alone in the studio. We can do retakes. No, no. All right, let me do a retake. Indian Pale Ale.

[B]

That was a long one.

[A]

That was a long story. So the organization. Get it Right. Get it right out. I hate cocaine and all drugs now. What is it? What's the organization and action?

[C]

Naacp.

[A]

Nice.

[D]

There we go.

[B]

Clock it.

[C]

Yo, when you first asked me. Come on.

[A]

I got this. I got this.

[B]

The lady has a dog, it keeps barking, waking up the baby. All right, can we just add that in, Miles?

[C]

No, he's retelling it. Not in a gay, flamboyant way, that he would do it before.

[B]

No, I did. I did it pretty good before.

[A]

Mark. Anyway, do you need a pee so badly? I need to know real quick before we go to Patreon. Why? Because I need to know. Mark.

[C]

You look bad, Sus, right now.

[A]

This is crazy.

[D]

He's hanging on to it.

[A]

Push it down. I gotta squeeze the hole. Dude, we should get a urinal in here. You never have to leave. No, I used to do that when I was a. About to nut with this one girl. So long ago I would pinch my hole closed upon nutting and I thought that that stopped it.

[B]

So you came in yourself?

[A]

I came in, Came in me, bro.

[D]

They call him the Solo Cream Pie.

[B]

I think.

[A]

Can I be honest? Can I be honest with you? Like, as I reflect on this, like 20 years later, later, I think that's why my sperm doesn't swim. Cuz they're like, what's the point?

[C]

What's the point? You broke it.

[A]

You need catfish.

[B]

You nutted in yourself.

[A]

I nut it in me, bro.

[B]

The sperms, they're like, yo, I thought you were leaving. Yeah, I know. We were supposed to go U turn, dude.

[A]

I would pinch it. I just pinch it closed and then I would just keep pumping. Pinch of clothes. Keep pumping.

[B]

Was got to go somewhere.

[A]

Mine didn't. Mine did. You know what it would look like? Have you ever seen a. Like an albatross collect fish from the water? You know how their gullet just fills? Oh, yeah, that's what happened with the bottom of my dick. It would just pinch it close and the bottom would just fill like that. Hell yeah.

[D]

Would it just fall out?

[A]

No, I think it stayed in the condom.

[B]

It's still there to this day.

[A]

Yeah. Anyway, I recommend that.

[C]

All right.

[A]

I recommend that. Okay.

[B]

So were you going to ask us something?

[A]

Yeah, I was going to ask you. I was going to ask you. Can you tell me. Oh, I got a pe so bad though.

[B]

All right, all right.

[A]

You go pee, Joe Dug.

[B]

He's got it, bro.

[A]

He's got. I got it though. I'm going to go pee, I'm going to go pee. But then when I come back we're not going to Patreon yet? No. Okay. Because I got to make a pb. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Yeah, I got it.

[C]

Ow.

[A]

I got a pee, dude. It's going to be one of those peas where it doesn't even come out immediately. Oh.

[C]

Oh, those are the best ones.

[D]

Floodgates. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It comes out, though.

[C]

It's like. It's like a quarter of a nut. What?

[A]

It feels. Feels good.

[C]

It's like a quarter of the feeling.

[D]

You know, Quarters may be a little hot.

[B]

Yeah, quarter's hot, right?

[A]

Quarter of a nut.

[C]

I don't get many of those. Maybe I got a little prostate issue. I don't know what stuff's going on.

[A]

I. I jerked off today, man.

[B]

You had a question?

[A]

I got a question for you.

[B]

Question.

[D]

Jerking off and having two Guinnesses pre. 3pm is a wild day.

[A]

Fighting about Israel, Palestine. Can I tell you something? Can I tell you something? Yeah. I jerked off today and I opened my eye. I was in the shower. I opened my eyes for the nut because I. It's been so long, and I'm like. I got to see where this goes. Like this. There's. This could be.

[C]

Might be some distance, right?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, dude. I open my eyes, that shit just dribbled down my hand, dude. Did a U turn, then it did U turn. First one, it just came out a little, and I was kind of, like, bummed about it. The next one, air. Did he double down? No, no.

[C]

In all seriousness, hand gliders.

[A]

Crazy. No, that went, bro. That's crazy. That went. I still got it a little bit. I just gotta wait for, like.

[C]

I got.

[A]

I gotta hold off about two months. If I wanted to fly, I gotta back up.

[C]

So that last was bad judgment.

[A]

That was me like, yo, it's not everybody.

[D]

It comes out weak.

[C]

100. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You gotta stockpile reserves, and this was a lot. Okay, I gotta pee.

[B]

You know what it reminds me of?

[A]

Oh, God, I gotta pee.

[C]

Iran.

[A]

Okay, okay, okay.

[B]

I'm gonna go pee.

[A]

I'm gonna go pee. But then we're gonna have one more. Oh, God, I can't even stand up straight.

[D]

All right, well, perfect time to tell you to check out my special debut special, Joey Avery live in San Francisco. It's on my YouTube. We'll put a comment somewhere with a link. Yeah, but, yeah, check it out. Thank you, Miles.

[A]

55 straight minutes of laughs.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

It's fun. I'm very happy with it.

[B]

People should check it out.

[D]

People should check it out. People should check it out. They'll like.

[C]

Well, how can he answer that? No, people shouldn't check it out.

[B]

No, it's more of a test.

[D]

Well, they should check it out.

[B]

It's more of a test. I'm just kind of. Oh, what if I was just like.

[A]

If you want to.

[D]

I don't know, it's just, you know, I just completely self funded it, independently produced and it's, you know, decade of plus of work and leading up to this moment and even being here to share it with you is a very nice moment for me. Check it out.

[A]

Yeah, check it out.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Have you gotten good reviews?

[D]

Very good reviews. Yeah, it's been a great. It's been out for like a day. As of taping this in the first. First day was everything we hoped for. But let's run it up.

[C]

Have you gotten any bad reviews from

[A]

possibly like very close to home places?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Is there something, you know, Miles does know, something that I said that I'm gonna have to straighten out later today, but.

[C]

Oh, who.

[D]

I don't know who in this pump? No, there's some, there's some stuff that was about a very unique time that was happening in my family and a lot has changed since then. And I make some, some jokes that if you listen to them fully, they actually are like vindicating her. But they as comedy often does come out a little bit rough. And I've heard from sources that maybe she's not the most pumped and that bums me out.

[C]

Y' all whites and y' all mommy is. I swear to God. You, you call your mom autistic in your set? This motherfucker. Like, I don't know what you said

[D]

about your mom, she's not that crazy,

[C]

you know, if she doesn't like your

[A]

debut special, I, I think.

[D]

Well, you know what? The only way to find out is to watch the special. Joey Every live in San Francisco.

[A]

The best. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right,

[C]

all right, all right.

[A]

Have you guys never had a hemorrhoid?

[B]

I had one.

[A]

For what reason? What reason did you have?

[B]

It's not religious.

[A]

I got a reason for my. What reason did you have?

[C]

That was when he got the monkey pox.

[A]

Remember, this guy's a grown man with monkey.

[C]

Monkey pox.

[A]

Going to the chicken box. Chickenpox. During the monkeypox epidemic.

[B]

Yeah, it was a tough look. They try to explain.

[A]

Still calling it chickenpox. Yeah, you might have had that. You had that Curious George. Yes, you did. No. Okay, so can you tell me why you Had a hemorrhoid, I think I was just scrolling.

[B]

I was just scrolling too long, and I was just sitting there. I think it was like. Right. Forgot the bidet. And I was just hanging and just quiet alone, you know?

[A]

Don't you do that every time you poop?

[B]

No.

[C]

How high are you turning? The speed of the water.

[B]

No, you can't go.

[C]

If you go too you, bro, you might have cut your ass.

[A]

Your mouth.

[B]

No, wait, hold on.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

Hold on.

[A]

What the hell?

[B]

No, just normal. I just put it on normal. But, I mean, sometimes you got to be careful because I have pushed the wrong one. I pushed the woman's button.

[C]

Your Gucci.

[A]

That feel good?

[B]

No, it does a little.

[A]

I'll go back and forth. I'll go back and forth. I had a girl lick that area once.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I feel like in that moment, I was like, man, like, I think we did all derive from women. You know how, like, you start out as women in the womb, and then testosterone masculinizes the brain and then nipples, etc. But, like, so, like, when she was licking, it was like. I felt like I had a. For a little bit. I did. You were a goddess.

[B]

You were a goddess.

[A]

I don't know if I was a goddess, but I was like, oh, there's some remnants of labia. Like, I feel like I got labia remnants.

[D]

Maybe we're all responsible for war.

[A]

Thank you.

[D]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Clock. Yeah. Shit. Lock. Dash. Shit. You never had a girl lick around that gooch. All right, look, we're stopping this episode, right? Go to Patreon. Okay. I don't even know what part we've stopped it at. Miles told us that we have to stop. It's getting a little bit spicy. Okay. Talking about.

[B]

I don't say.

[C]

You can't say.

[A]

I don't even know. I don't even know. There. There's a little

[D]

fun.

[A]

We re. We reminisce it a little. Reminisced.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

We're going to patreon right now. Patreon.com Flag and see you guys there.