Apple News Today – Rebroadcast: Should You Cut Ties with a Family Member? A Therapist Offers Advice

Date: November 28, 2025
Host: Shamita Basu
Guest: Dr. Joshua Coleman, Therapist and Author

Episode Overview

This episode revisits the complex topic of family estrangement: why it’s becoming more common, when it might be necessary, and how families might heal divides. As the holiday season brings familial relationships into focus—sometimes highlighting both closeness and deep rifts—host Shamita Basu consults therapist and author Dr. Joshua Coleman, who specializes in estrangement, to discuss research, personal experience, listener stories, and practical strategies for reconciliation.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Estrangement Is Increasing—And It's Complicated (00:00–02:39)

• Estrangement Frequency: Over one quarter of Americans report being estranged from at least one family member (YouGov, 2022).
• Listener Stories: Multiple callers share reasons for estrangement, including abuse, intergenerational trauma, politics, addiction, and shifting definitions of harm.
  • “[Estrangement] has created fissures in my family that are beyond repair.” – Kevin (01:49)
  • “I feel a lot of longing for a family that really accepts and understands me.” – Bria Paley (02:04)

2. Changing Definitions of Harm (02:39–02:58; 19:01–20:17)

• Dr. Coleman: Notes how the definition of abusive or harmful parenting has expanded over time, creating lower thresholds for what counts as trauma or abuse, especially among younger generations.
  • “There’s been this enormous expansion over what we label as harmful, abusive, traumatizing, neglectful behavior.” – Josh Coleman (02:39 / 19:05)
• Concept Creep: Cites psychologist Nick Haslam’s research about “concept creep,” demonstrating shifting societal attitudes around harm and neglect.

3. Personal Story—Dr. Coleman’s Own Estrangement & Reconciliation (02:58–04:49)

• Background: Dr. Coleman shares he was estranged from his daughter in her 20s due to family restructuring after his remarriage and his defensive, unreceptive response to her feelings.
• Turning Point: Change began when he became “more empathic and understanding,” took responsibility, and validated her perspective.
  • “It really wasn’t until over time, I figured that I really needed to stop doing what I was doing.” – Josh Coleman (03:49)
• Motivation for Work: Realized a lack of resources led him to focus his practice and writing on family estrangement.

4. Common Causes of Estrangement (05:40–07:40)

• Main Pathways:
  • Divorce: Most common; can foster loyalty splits, alienation, and competition for affection/resources.
  • Marriage: New spouses can become dividing lines if there’s a forced choice between partner and parents.
  • Over-closeness: Some cut contact to assert independence from emotionally enmeshed parents.
• Not Only Abuse: Challenges the widespread belief that only abusive parents are estranged; loving parents can be cut off unjustly.
  • “There’s a lot of good, loving, decent, hardworking parents now who are being cut off...” (07:27)

5. Therapy's Evolving Role—Are We Too Quick to Cut Off? (04:49–05:40; 07:40–09:51; 27:55–28:37)

• Therapist Cautions: Critiques therapeutic culture for sometimes pushing boundaries, cutoff, or pathologizing parents without seeing both sides.
  • “One of the problems that I think therapists make today is they diagnose parents who they have no relationship with.” (08:33)
• Societal Shift: Therapy is more accepting of detachment, sometimes promoting estrangement as self-care—even when repair might be possible.
  • “Therapists have become what the sociologist Alison Pugh refers to as detachment brokers...” (27:55)

6. When Is Estrangement Justified vs. When to Repair? (07:40–09:51; 14:22–15:31)

• Dr. Coleman: Not “anti-estrangement”; recognizes some relationships are truly damaging and should not be repaired. However, urges care as estrangement “is a cataclysmic event for the family system and therefore for the society at large.”
• Therapists and families must distinguish between truly necessary cutoffs (safety, ongoing harm) and difficult-but-healable rifts.

7. Politics, Identity, and Values: The New Battlegrounds (09:51–14:49)

• Listener: Kevin’s Story (10:37–11:27): Describes political estrangement from evangelical family over their support for Trump and policies at odds with his values.
  • “I need to know. I need them to explain themselves if we’re going to have a path forward...” – Kevin (11:21)
• Dr. Coleman’s Advice: Prioritize curiosity over confrontation; proactively set boundaries for discussion topics at gatherings.
  • “People are more receptive to our perspective if we can start off by being truly curious about their perspective.” (11:46)
  • Shares his own family approach: “I love you, I’m glad you’re my brother, but I just can’t go there...” (13:22)

8. The Dilemma of What’s Worth Preserving (14:22–15:31)

• Host and guest discuss when it’s necessary—or even possible—to “compartmentalize” core values for family harmony.
  • “Is it worth it? Does it make sense to show up to the family gathering and compartmentalize all these things...” – Shamita Basu (14:28)
• Some cut ties when harm outweighs any remaining family benefit, especially around constant shaming or rejection of identity.

9. Estrangement Ripple Effects—Divorce, Grandchildren, and Multigenerational Ties (15:38–18:14)

• Caller Lyssa: Estranged from son who resents her remaining in contact with his ex-wife for access to grandchildren.
  • “Her devil’s bargain is she can either have contact with her grandchildren and alienate her son, or... lose contact with her son.” – Josh Coleman (16:40)
• Wider Impacts: Grandparents may lose connection to grandkids; some find redemption as grandparents even after difficult parenting years, but this can also provoke jealousy in adult children.

10. Navigating the Gray Area: Conflict vs. Abuse (18:14–20:17)

• Discusses the continuum between typical conflict and genuine abuse, and how these lines are drawn differently by generations.
  • “We have a lot of cultural confusion between what’s conflict and what’s abuse...” (19:01)
• Suggests parents acknowledge possible blind spots and express willingness to learn or seek therapy.

11. The Challenge of Acknowledgment and Apology (20:17–22:19)

• Difficulty for Parents: It’s emotionally hard for parents to accept their child’s hurt, especially if they believe they did better than their own parents.
  • “I gave you a childhood I would have killed to have.” (20:55)
  • “There’s really no pathway back to your adult child... if that’s their feeling…” (22:00)

12. When Adult Children Feel "Stuck" Waiting for Parents to Reach Out (22:19–24:31)

• Caller Jackie: Wants reconciliation but feels paralyzed, waiting for her father to initiate.
  • “There’s a part of me that wants him to rise to the occasion... I feel really stuck.” – Jackie (22:48)
• Dr. Coleman: Advises that some parents may lack emotional tools, especially in older generations; sometimes children must take the first step if reconciliation is the goal.

13. Cultural Perspectives on Estrangement (24:31–26:11)

• In some cultures, estrangement is taboo and family ties are considered non-negotiable.
• Immigrant parents may be bewildered or wounded by American norms around therapy and emotional language.
  • “If you want to have a relationship with them, it does mean learning this new language...” (25:49)

14. Practical Strategies for Repair (26:49–27:47)

• Lead with Vulnerability: Reconciliation hinges on curiosity, openness, and taking responsibility for harm.
  • “Communication goes best if we lead with our own vulnerability.” (26:49)
  • Advice: Begin conversations with “I’m open to hearing that there are things I do or say that hurt you…”

15. Does Estrangement Really Lead to Happiness? (28:37–29:02)

• Questions the societal narrative that prioritizing personal happiness via disconnection actually results in contentment.
  • “We have record high rates of mental illness in this country and loneliness and atomization and social isolation. And, no, we don’t seem to be a lot happier. So it’s not really working, is it?” – Josh Coleman (28:48)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Estrangement is a cataclysmic event for the family system and therefore for the society at large.”
  – Josh Coleman (08:25)

• “There’s a lot of good, loving, decent, hardworking parents now who are being cut off and being told that they’re being cut off because they’re abusive and destructive when it’s just simply not the case.”
  – Josh Coleman (07:27)

• “People are more receptive to our perspective if we can start off by being truly curious about their perspective.”
  – Josh Coleman (11:46)

• “Is it worth it? Does it make sense to show up to the family gathering and compartmentalize all these things that are, you know, very closely tied to my identity or my values and put them on the shelf?”
  – Shamita Basu (14:28)

• “There’s really no pathway back to your adult child... if that’s their feeling or even if it’s at odds with your own.”
  – Josh Coleman (22:00)

• “Therapists have become... detachment brokers, which means that therapists often help people to not feel guilty or bad about cutting off family members that in prior generations would have considered and other cultures would have considered to be the wrong thing to do.”
  – Josh Coleman (27:59)

• “We have record high rates of mental illness in this country and loneliness and atomization and social isolation. And, no, we don’t seem to be a lot happier. So it’s not really working, is it?”
  – Josh Coleman (28:48)

Time-Stamped Segment Highlights

• 00:00–02:39 – Introduction, prevalence of estrangement, and listener voicemails.
• 02:39–04:49 – Dr. Coleman's personal story; shifts in definitions of harm.
• 05:40–07:40 – Pathways to estrangement beyond abuse.
• 09:51–14:49 – Political differences, proactive boundaries, deciding what’s worth preserving.
• 15:38–18:14 – Divorce fallout, grandparent-child relationships post-estrangement.
• 18:14–20:17 – Cultural/generational divides over “abuse” vs. “conflict.”
• 22:35–24:31 – Adult children waiting for parents to initiate repair.
• 24:31–26:11 – The impact of cultural background on views of estrangement.
• 26:49–27:47 – Constructing conversations leading with vulnerability.
• 27:55–29:02 – Societal consequences and the myth of happiness after estrangement.

Conclusion

The episode provides a nuanced, empathetic investigation into why family estrangement happens, its emotional and societal toll, and how families might break through impasses. Dr. Coleman underscores the need for vulnerability, empathy, and open dialogue—and cautions against rushing to sever ties rather than seeking understanding. Ultimately, the conversation encourages listeners to carefully weigh the costs and benefits of estrangement and offers practical advice for those hoping to reconcile, particularly during emotionally charged holiday seasons.

For further information, Dr. Coleman’s book The Rules of Why Adult Children Cut Contact and How to Heal the Conflict is available on Apple Books. Listener stories and resources are linked in the show notes.