Johnny Pemberton!

Summary

Are You Garbage? w/ Johnny Pemberton (June 22, 2026)

Episode Overview

In this episode of "Are You Garbage?" comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan sit down with actor and comedian Johnny Pemberton (21 & 22 Jump Street, Bob’s Burgers, Fallout) to determine whether he's "garbage" or "classy." Across a wide-ranging, highly personal and always hilarious conversation, Johnny shares stories from his unique Minnesota upbringing, his medical challenges, family history, and his offbeat yet relatable approach to life, food, and money.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Johnny’s Upbringing and Family Background (02:15–06:26)

• Johnny grew up in Rochester, Minnesota, home to the Mayo Clinic. His father was a colorectal and general surgeon, and his mother was a former nurse.
• He is the oldest of four siblings. His family was "pretty educated," but his parents separated when he was 18, and the relationship remains complicated.
• “Everybody there is, like, a doctor pretty much… it's a pretty small town, but not that small.” (05:12–05:22)
• Johnny's dad comes from a line of surgeons—his grandfather and great-grandfather were also surgeons.
• He attended a small Catholic school (graduating class under 100), did not excel in sports, and was more into music and painting.

Early Jobs, Hobbies, and Musical Inclinations (07:17–12:46)

• Johnny was "hardcore into" jazz as a teen, played in a band (bass, because "no one else wanted to"), and his first job was painting dollhouses for a family friend.
• “I would paint like, the basic stuff and she taught me the designs…Listen to my jazz music on CD… they all be like, what's the, what's this music?” (10:11)
• First concert: Sonic Youth opening for Smashing Pumpkins on the Melancholy Tour, 1994/95.
• Was deeply into Prairie Home Companion and Garrison Keillor as a kid (31:07).

Family Dynamics and Vacations (18:13–20:01)

• His parents' divorce was not amicable, but Johnny is the "peacemaker" who tries to keep things civil.
• Family vacations were usually attached to his father’s business trips (conferences in places like Belgium); Johnny never got to go to the Wisconsin Dells, despite begging.

Food, Health, and Medical History (46:57–52:04)

• Johnny does not have a large intestine due to ulcerative colitis and has lived this way for over 25 years.
• Talks candidly about living without a colon: "It does a lot of stuff. It’s kind of like a loading dock for one, you know?…it also takes out a lot of water from your stool.” (50:21–50:37)
• Despite digestive limitations, he still takes chances with food (wings, halal, etc.), sometimes suffering the consequences ("the worst I've been burned in maybe 10 or 15 years"—35:17).
• Favorite fast food: McDonald's Filet-O-Fish—“I love McDonald’s. I actually like filet of fish a lot. Put the fries on there.” (49:25)

Adult Life, Habits, and Money (56:00–66:44)

• Married, owns a house and a Honda Ridgeline in LA; wife drives a Subaru.
• Queen size bed filled with a modest rotation of plushies (wife’s, not his).
• No TV in the bedroom; reads before bed and tries to avoid phone use at night.
• “I'm so good with money, it's ridiculous. Actually, I just recently realized I am saving too much.” (60:52)
• Collects records but not much else—calls it a "cheap hobby."
• Conservative spender, prefers in-house finances, only uses an accountant, not a business manager ("I don't trust people that much… Keep it in house." 69:44–70:11)

Social & Travel Habits (54:05–55:23)

• Flies first class when coming home—calls it "good to be arriving where you live in first class." (53:33)
• Enjoys picking up the dinner check but regularly splits bills with friends (68:36–69:14).
• Prefers ordering in to cooking; wife is “a wizard at ordering food.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On being ‘the peacemaker’ in his family:
  “I'm cool with everybody. I'm like the peacemaker. I'm the one who always is like, oh, we're so sorry about, you know, I'm like, writing emails and shit.” (18:42)
• On painting dollhouses and listening to jazz as a teen:
  “You're 15 years old, Rochester, Minnesota... you're listening to jazz, painting dollhouses.” (11:01)
  “Sounds like you grew up in the 1920s.” (11:13)
• Meeting Ross Perot as a kid and getting an iconic brush-off:
  “He said, ‘Hi, son. Now get away from the car. You're going to get run over.’ To my face.” (14:07)
• On what he does that might be "garbage":
  “I use like, a shitty toothbrush. I don't have, like a nice toothbrush.” (67:19)
• On flying first class home:
  “Anytime I’m flying home, I try to fly first class…Good to be arriving where you live in first class.” (53:25–53:43)
• On class and stealth wealth:
  "I think how you compose yourself, how you treat people says more about your supposed class than anything for sure." (67:57–68:14)

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Timestamps for Notable Segments

• Intro & Johnny’s “Garbage” Test Begins: 00:13–03:31
• Minnesota Roots & Mayo Clinic Family: 03:15–06:25
• Family Dynamics/Divorce: 18:13–20:01
• First Job (Painting Dollhouses): 09:44–11:01
• Early Band Names and Jazz Obsession: 07:17–12:46
• Memorable Celebrity Encounters (Ross Perot): 13:40–14:19
• Digestive Illness & No Large Intestine: 46:57–52:04
• Fast Food Favorites & Eating Habits: 47:45–50:13
• On Being Classy/Stealth Wealth: 66:44–68:14
• Splitting Dinner Check With Friends: 68:36–69:14

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Tone & Standout Moments

• Warm, self-effacing, and honest: Johnny’s openness about his health, family struggles, money philosophy, and mild social anxieties brings an endearing humility.
• Sharp wit mixed with introspection: His quick asides—like being a “peacemaker,” his early love of jazz, or why he refuses to risk eating Rhode Island lamb at a Hampton Inn—land with both humor and depth.
• Notable moments:
  • The hilarious depiction of painting dollhouses while listening to Ornette Coleman.
  • The detailed, first-person breakdown of living with no large intestine, delivered with clinical calm and comic timing.
  • The story of meeting Ross Perot and the hosts' amazement at his Midwest quirks.

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Conclusion

Determination:
Johnny Pemberton is deemed "classy" by the hosts—sharp, frugal, educated, and kind, but with just enough rough edges (thrifty, utility-focused, not into brand names, adores McDonald’s and tater tots) to keep it real. His "stealth wealth" approach, deep roots, and self-awareness make him the rare guest who manages to be both relatable and aspirationally chill.

Final Host Assessment:
“He is one of the sweetest people I ever met... educated, sharp, good with money, calm, collected... peaceful home... the classiest!”

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Essential Johnny Pemberton Facts (As of This Episode)

• Upbringing: Son of multiple generations of surgeons, raised in Mayo Clinic town, artistic and musical as a youth.
• Health: Lives without a colon/large intestine for 25+ years.
• Career: Actor, comedian, voice artist; college radio background; stand-up special coming soon.
• Habits: Frugal, prefers comfort/tradition over trends, loves records, values sincerity over status.
• Travel: Flies first class home, orders in more than cooks, splits dinner checks.
• Class or Garbage?: Classy—with a slice of Midwest weirdness and self-effacing humor.

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Check Johnny out in Season 3 of Fallout and in his new movie "Mermaid," now on VOD.

Transcript

[A]

Gang, Tootie's got a limited 4th of July drop coming at you. We got some nice T shirts. Show up to the barbecue looking fresh, clean and patriotic.

[B]

Yeah, don't be a bozo. Available at rugarbage.com while supplies last.

[A]

Happy 4th of July. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage. Oh yeah, little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a group to be classy. Or if they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Stage Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tuna Cody's in the new edition. She's upstairs laying into a roto, okay. Eating like a goddamn raptor, I'll tell you that. No fork, no knife, just going after it, huh? My co's coming a from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are you Garbage? Bit of an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world and I love him. I don't care who knows it. Give it up for kj Kevin. James Ryan everybody.

[B]

Hey, what's up gang? Shout out to you as always, please make sure you rate View subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. And the boys are climbing the friggin charts. Oh yeah, I tell you that right now. Then obviously the greatest website of all time. Www.patreon.com. are you garbage? You go over there, you get all your friggin bonus content, gang.

[A]

Yes sir. And gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time. He is a very funny, very successful, very talented stand up comedian and actor you might have seen him in, but not limited to, you got 21 and 22 Jump Street. You got the watch, you got Bob's Burgers, you got Kroll Show, Ant Man. Give the kid a whopper. You got neighbors 2 superstore. Weird bad thoughts, Fallout. Of course he's on tour right now. She's gonna be in the upcoming season, season three of Fallout. And he's got a brand new movie out on VOD called Mermaid. Give it up for Johnny Pemberton everybody. Oh my God, look at you.

[C]

Oh, I was. That was like. I've never had an intro like that. That was everything.

[B]

Welcome to the show.

[C]

More than I have.

[A]

No, we throw it at plenty more.

[B]

We throw in a couple of fake ones.

[A]

99 appearances in film and television.

[C]

Yeah, but you know what some of that is, like, barely. It should.

[A]

A couple of shorts in there. Sure, John. You can start somewhere.

[C]

Yeah, there's, like, stuff on there that I couldn't watch it if I. If I asked, like, 20 people. Where is this thing? Where is that? It's like, somehow they got an IMDb, but it's like a thing we shot in an alleyway in Karzana. We're like, you know, like, avoiding porn stars, driving us over and stuff.

[A]

Give us the backstory. I've been talking like you're from Boston. Johnny Pemberton. Yeah. You got a good feel for the Sox, but that's not the case.

[C]

No, not Boston. I wish, man. That's the one accent I just cannot do.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah, I mean, that's it.

[A]

What can you do all the other ones?

[B]

You name it, I got it.

[A]

I hear you're British.

[C]

Oh, well, that's. What kind of British do you want? Do you want, like, a Cockney? Do you want, like, a high? You want, like a.

[A]

Give me a high. Give me a high.

[C]

Okay, hold on a second here. It takes a second. You have to find the word to get you in there.

[A]

Of course.

[C]

I say. Yeah. Young. Young chaps here. Are you having a podcast? You know. Is that right?

[B]

Oh, that's him. Yes, of course.

[C]

Well, if you have. You're having a little bit of a laptop there. You're writing.

[B]

I say.

[C]

Not. Not for me, actually.

[A]

Very good.

[C]

Very nice to meet you.

[A]

That's.

[C]

That's kind of an extinct accent, though.

[A]

There we go.

[B]

It's all. It's all coming together, right?

[A]

I like it. Okay, so Minnesota, kid.

[C]

Minnesota.

[B]

Rochester, Minnesota.

[A]

Mm. There's two of them. Jesus.

[C]

Well, Rochester, Minnesota, is very different than Rochester, New York.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah. It's the home of the Mayo Clinic.

[A]

Very nice.

[C]

Like, I can't believe I'm wearing my fucking Minnesota T shirt.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, guys.

[C]

Oh, I'm here. I'm trying to talk about Minnesota. You guys ever been. Hey, Juicy Lucy. Oh, my God. Don't have one. Gotta have. Don't even have half. But it's gonna spell out, like, a fucking spider bite.

[B]

Yeah, it hurts.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I get you that cheese in the

[A]

middle of a burger.

[C]

I never had one.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

Well, I didn't grow up in Minneapolis, so. And even then when I went back, I was like, I don't want to have instant diarrhea, I feel like. Because I have, like. Yeah. Bowel issues. For real.

[A]

It ain't that dialogue in Marvin hanging out at Frankie and Vinnie's or whatever it's called. No.

[C]

What's that?

[B]

What'd you say to me?

[A]

From la?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You don't know Marvin?

[C]

Marvin?

[A]

Marvin, the restaurant in la?

[C]

No. Are you serious?

[A]

Tell him I know you. I'll throw you out.

[B]

He just got so sick. What? Huh?

[C]

Am I gonna get, like, beat up by some guy, like, the code word, like, oh, this guy's not one of us. He's not. We don't know him. He's not one of our guys.

[A]

It's some trendy joint in L. A that we go to when we're out there, and I always end up embarrassing myself.

[C]

I actually don't know about that. I don't know about that kind of stuff at all. I'm really not like.

[B]

We only know that one place.

[A]

Keep a low pro out there.

[C]

Well, I go to restaurants here, but I don't go to restaurants in la. Really? I kind of just like. I mean, I'll go to restaurants, but not like, you know, the restaurant scene. I don't do.

[A]

You're not hanging out at the Grove?

[C]

Not hanging out.

[A]

I'm filming.

[C]

I'm popping through. I'm popping through. With Vilder? Yeah, with Vilder.

[A]

I keep it.

[C]

Me and my German friend who was

[A]

with you out in Minnesota. Mom. Dad.

[C]

Yeah, I had a mom and a dad growing up, and I have kids.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Mom and dad. I have a younger brother and two younger sisters.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

So I'm the oldest of four.

[A]

No kidding.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Typical suburban life. Whether you grew up in the guest.

[A]

So.

[C]

Well, Rochester is a weird town because it's the home of the Mayo Clinic. And so everybody there is, like, a doctor. Pretty much.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

It's a pretty small town, but not that small. It's like that weird thing where it's like, you know, not tiny. Tiny. Where you can be like, oh, you know, everybody. It's also not like a big city at all. I think it's like, when I was growing up, was about 75,000 people. I think now it's like 125.

[A]

What did your mom and dad do?

[C]

My mom didn't. She used to be a nurse. My dad was a surgeon.

[A]

No, at the Mayo Clinic.

[C]

The Mayo Clinic?

[A]

Get the out of here.

[C]

Yeah. He's retired now.

[B]

What kind of surgery?

[C]

He was a colorectal surgeon and a general surgeon. He used to do general surgery and colon rectal.

[A]

That's what I'm talking about. Son of a doctor.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Very gentleman.

[A]

Gentleman.

[C]

Yeah, I guess.

[A]

So what do they do at the Mayo Clinic? It's Like a.

[C]

What they do.

[A]

It's like a specialty.

[C]

Yeah. They save people's lives. They do, like, all do everything. I mean, it's a huge hospital, but

[A]

you got to get in there. It's not just a hospital, right? That's, like, where you go.

[C]

Well, the clinic is the clinic, and there's, like, a. They have a relationship with two hospitals in town. There's the. There's St. Mary's and there's Methodist.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

It's all part of this Mayo medical system. It's all one big thing. There's, like, maybe 15, 20 buildings. It's. The entire downtown of Rochester is pretty much.

[B]

I've seen it.

[A]

It's all the hospital.

[C]

Yeah, hospital.

[A]

That's a lot of gauze.

[C]

Yeah, a lot of gauze. Yeah. It smells great, too.

[A]

I love the way gauze smells. You think tissues have a smell? Like, the way tissues smell?

[C]

I don't think they do have a smell. I don't smell tissues.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

He's making a note. This is like when they write something like, you and the lie detector test, they're like, are you. Have you ever touched your penis? I'm like, yes. Like, oh, machine explodes.

[B]

How big was your graduating class? That'll give us a good size.

[C]

Okay. I went to school. I went to a Catholic school, a small Catholic school. I think my graduating class was under a hundred, maybe.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Very small.

[A]

Any sports?

[C]

I was not into sports. I tried to play baseball when I was younger, but, you know, when you get older, you stop getting bigger, and I stopped playing sports.

[A]

Gotcha.

[C]

Because I'm pretty. Pretty small.

[B]

What were you into? Computer games, video games, Music?

[C]

Yeah, in a band. I wasn't in the band, actually. I guess initially I was really into rock climbing for a while.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Indoor. Like, indoor.

[C]

Because they actually. I think they have the first indoor rock rock. The first indoor walk climbing wall is in Rochester, Minnesota. Yeah, the rock climbing wall is in there. It's a great wall to climb up there. You want to climb up that Ted Kennedy?

[A]

Is that what you do?

[C]

I didn't think about it.

[A]

I guess it sounds like.

[C]

Yeah, the. Yeah, I was climbing a lot. Mostly indoors, though, because that's in Minnesota, you know, it's so snowy all the time. But then I stopped doing that at some point. But I got into music. I think in seventh grade, I got really into. My friend Steve. He started a band. He asked me if I wanted to be in the band. He needed a bass player, so I got a bass. Two weeks before the talent show at our Catholic school, basically. Yeah, it's like necessity.

[B]

Nobody was just. Nobody was playing the bass.

[A]

Nobody wanted to play bass.

[B]

And I do. It's the same thing. My buddies run a band. They're like, we need a bass player.

[A]

I'm like, I'll do it.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[C]

Because no one wants to play the bass.

[B]

No one's just hanging out.

[A]

They want to shred on the guitar.

[C]

Lead, sing, they want a drum. Yeah, but no one's cool.

[A]

Bass player is always like the brother in law or something like that.

[C]

Yeah, he's the guy who's like. He's the only person with a car.

[B]

He has some sort of other utility too.

[A]

He's got money for the studio.

[C]

He's the guy with the license. No one else can drive.

[A]

Johnny, what was the name of this band?

[C]

First name of the band in seventh grade was Strange Cattle.

[B]

I don't hate it.

[C]

Yeah, it's not bad, actually.

[A]

No, it's not bad.

[B]

Strange Cattle. You're in the Midwest.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And his second name, second name was Geisha. Kitten.

[A]

Geisha. Kitten.

[C]

Geisha. Like a, you know, like a Japanese comfort girl.

[A]

Oh, geisha.

[C]

Geisha. Yeah, But I think we pronounced it geisha for some reason. Because our friend in the band, Pete, he was half Japanese and he insisted that that's how you pronounce it.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Okay. That makes more. Yeah, that makes more sense.

[C]

That might not be true.

[A]

When I corrected you on gyoza, how

[C]

are you supposed to say it?

[A]

I don't know. I say yoza.

[C]

You say yoza like yuroza. Oh my God, that's fucking hilarious. You say yoza.

[A]

Luke is an educated kid and I'm a moron, so I'm pretty sure I'm wrong.

[C]

So you go in there like, give me. Give me all the yoza you got.

[A]

Yeah, yoza.

[C]

Yo's me up.

[A]

Yoza me up.

[C]

Yo's me down.

[A]

All right, so you're in the band.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What was your first job?

[C]

First job? First actual real job. This is getting weird, guys. This is super weird.

[B]

Like, it's.

[C]

I. It's gonna be so not weird. I know. It's weird in the sense where it's like, are you serious? Okay. I was. I used to do a lot of art. I was a painter. I like to draw and paint.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And I got a job, like the most part time job ever helping a woman my mom was friends with who had these dollhouses, these large dollhouses she hand painted and I would paint the dollhouses.

[A]

That is weird.

[C]

Yeah, I Would hand paint dollhouses, which.

[A]

To sell them.

[C]

She sold them in for a lot, like hundreds of dollars.

[A]

Really.

[C]

Like these big. I think they were meant for like putting baby clothes in. They weren't so much a dollhouse, but it's like a big, like. Like a cupboard almost and had opened up.

[A]

Gotcha.

[C]

But she hand painted the whole thing.

[A]

Damn.

[C]

And I would paint, like, the basic stuff and she taught me the designs and stuff on there. And I would do that. It was like I made almost no money.

[A]

How old were you?

[C]

I think I was probably maybe 15.

[A]

Damn.

[C]

Something like that. I don't remember exactly.

[A]

And you would do it over at her house, painting dollhouses?

[C]

She had a little studio downtown. Yeah, it was very cool. It was very, like. I would put. Listen to my jazz music on CD on the CD player and they all be like, what's the. What's that? What's this music? Sometimes I'd put something on and be like, no, no, not this one.

[A]

Nope. You're 15 years old, Rochester, Minnesota.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

You're listening to jazz, painting dollhouses.

[B]

You're an old soul.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. That all sounds. Now that I say it out loud, it sounds very like.

[B]

Like sounds like you grew up in the 1920s.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Clears up the not, not playing sports question.

[C]

Yeah, definitely.

[B]

What? Okay. I mean, into jazz.

[A]

Dude who got you in the jazz?

[C]

The same guys. Was in a band with mainly my friend Pete, who was.

[B]

They sound like adults now.

[A]

Yeah, I know.

[C]

Yeah. But we were like hardcore into it. We were like super, super into, like a lot of old, like, free jazz, like Ornette Coleman and I mean, like Coltrane a lot. And. And funniest.

[A]

Monk and Miles Davis.

[C]

Miles Davis, of course. Yeah.

[A]

Greatest song title of all time. It never even entered my mind.

[C]

The best.

[A]

The best song.

[C]

I love that song. Yeah, that song is. Well, that's off relaxing.

[A]

That I couldn't take.

[C]

I think it's off of relaxing. Or maybe it's not working.

[A]

It's off.

[C]

Yo.

[A]

Oh, damn it. Very good, Kevin.

[B]

Wait. Speaking of. Well, sorry, what was the first concert, Your big music guy?

[C]

First concert, first real concert that I was going to because I wanted to go to was,

[B]

you know, I mean,

[C]

like, you go to a concert, it's like, I don't want to go to this. It's like a thing you seeing like, oh, I'm seeing Maynard Ferguson in the park with my parents or something like that. Who the hell is that? He's a. He's a big trumpet player and guy from back in the day. He's not. He's not that interesting, actually. Have his.

[A]

What kind of band did the music. Did the. What kind of music did the band play?

[C]

Maynard Ferguson?

[A]

No, Smitten Kitten. Oh.

[C]

We were like. We were just covering Nirvana.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah. We were not like a real band. We were not writing songs.

[A]

You weren't doing jazz or anything, but you were.

[C]

We were doing jazz later. Yeah, we had a jazz trio. We. We would actually gig around and stuff. Well, I gotta answer the question, though.

[A]

Sorry.

[C]

First show was Sonic Youth opening for Smashing Pumpkins.

[A]

Whoa. Now that's a goddamn concert.

[C]

It was. It was the. When we got there, we got there a little bit late, and we walked into the Target center in Minneapolis as they were. I think Sonic was playing Starfield Road off of experimental jet set Trash in a Star. And it was just. The whole place was rumbling. I was like, oh, God, this is so cool.

[A]

What year is this?

[C]

This must be Billy Corgan have his

[A]

head shaved or not.

[C]

Yeah, this is. This is the Melancholy Tour.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

So what year would that be?

[B]

That ain't no turd Ferguson.

[A]

93, 94, 95, maybe?

[C]

Think 94, 95.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Whenever that was.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah. That was very cool. Very fun.

[B]

Okay. Speaking of that, who. Growing up, it couldn't. It didn't have to be nationally famous Internet. Like, who was the most famous person you met? Could have been a local celebrity, a newscaster, a radio guy, somebody. We were like, whoa, that's pretty big. You were excited to meet.

[C]

Excited to me. Okay, well, so Rochester is weird because a lot of people come to Rochester to have medical treatment. When I was really young, I met Ross Perot because he came to speak at a. And he was driving away in his car. And I ran up to the car and I shook his hand. And Ross Perot said to me. He said, hi, son. Now get away from the car. You're going to get run over to my face.

[A]

That car was a 1978 El Camino.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

He wasn't driving, was he?

[C]

He was not driving. But could you. Could you imagine that now? Like, running up to a presidential candidate and shaking their hand? You get like. It would kill a child.

[B]

Get lit up. Yeah. That's crazy.

[C]

I was such a Ross Perot kid. I was like, wait, what?

[A]

I was like. I liked.

[C]

I liked Ross Perot for some reason.

[A]

I was like, are you.

[B]

I. I don't even know what kid. What kid has a presence.

[C]

This is dredging up so much stuff. Like, man, I can't believe that was real. I was into politics a lot because My dad used to watch the McNeil Lehrer NewsHour on PBS every day when he got home from work. And he'd eat Merck's cheese with pork rinds because he's on the. This is before Atkins. He was on Atkins? Yeah, it was on Atkins back in the day. He used to be a huge guy. My dad was huge. He lost tons of weight by just eating cheese and pork rinds. So he'd watch McNeil Laron NewsHour in front of the TV and eat pork rinds and mercs. Cheese from a cheese. It's just cheese from Milwaukee. He was from Milwaukee.

[A]

Okay?

[C]

It's like a fucking cheese in a bucket. Like soft cheese.

[A]

Okay?

[C]

And he'd eat that. He'd watch that Merck's cheese smoke Merck. Could it come up?

[A]

That's it.

[C]

Oh, my fucking. This is like Johnny Pemberton. Remember your life or something. Look at this shit.

[B]

Merck is a legendary Wisconsin made cold packed cheese spread known for its bold flavor, creamy spreadability.

[A]

This is ridiculous.

[B]

And pairing with pork rinds.

[C]

I can't believe this is real.

[B]

Holy real. Grade A Wisconsin cheddar. Commonly used for snacking, burgers, dips, and game day appetizers.

[C]

That's hilarious.

[A]

Or jazz trios.

[C]

I haven't said those words out loud, I think, in like, I don't even know.

[B]

Welcome to the show, baby.

[A]

You grew up in an educated household with sensible.

[C]

They were pretty educated.

[A]

Yeah. That was a surgeon at the Mayo Clinic.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's not a DeVry degree.

[B]

My dad was a steam fitter who may or may not have been paying his union dues.

[C]

Yeah. He was not a seam fetter.

[A]

No. I didn't even get that. He's like, what.

[C]

What is that? What is that?

[B]

That's a cheese spread.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

A local Philadelphia cheese bread.

[A]

Oh, so your dad's a sharp guy. Were you reading when you were a kid? Are you a reader?

[C]

Yeah, I know how to read.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah. Pretty proficient.

[C]

Yeah, actually, I was. I picked it up. I learned how to read and I. I'm still doing it.

[A]

You read a book now?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Read a book before you go to bed?

[C]

I try to, but I've been. Been bad lately, you know, because of Tick Tock. I look at Tick Tock.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah, man.

[A]

It's a little dirt on you.

[C]

Oh, it's bad.

[B]

Okay. All right, let's get. There's got to be. What was your first car?

[C]

My first car was a 2001 Honda Accord.

[A]

Sensible.

[B]

What year would have you have gotten that?

[C]

I got it the first year or my second year of college? Second year. Second year of college.

[B]

What year in the. Of, like, was it 2001 when you got it? 2001, you say you got a new car.

[A]

How'd you get that? Your parents get it for you or did you buy it? My parents bought you a nice, sensible car.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

That was gonna stay in the family. Probably go down to the next kid it did after you. 100,000 miles on it still runs good.

[C]

My brother sold it to some guy in Minneapolis.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

My brother had it for a while, though. He did.

[A]

Which brother?

[C]

My younger brother. I only got one.

[A]

Was he the youngest?

[C]

No, I'm the oldest and he's the next oldest.

[A]

Okay. All right. So it only went to.

[C]

Yeah, it just went to one.

[A]

Didn't go to the. To the girls?

[C]

Nah, they don't want that.

[A]

Yeah, Gotcha.

[C]

They don't want that.

[A]

Sticker was an automatic.

[C]

Oh, automatic. I don't think they made a stick back then. At least not if it did. I think I wanted it because I learned on a stick. I learned to drive on a stick.

[A]

What car was that?

[C]

It was a 1991 BMW 325iX.

[A]

Let's go.

[B]

That's a station in the Midwest at the Mayo Clinic.

[A]

Why? We talked, but that wasn't the old man.

[C]

That was an old car back.

[A]

Yeah, the old man.

[C]

Sharp dude, that car. What's he driving now? Well, he's not driving, but he can't drive.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

He. He had this. He and his partner have a. They have a fucking big ass BMW 7 series. That looks like they're drug dealers.

[A]

Nice.

[C]

They look like they're like Russian drug dealers.

[B]

740.

[A]

Gotcha.

[B]

750.

[C]

All I know is that it's got like a thousand motors in it and it's. It's the worst car.

[A]

Well, you say, partner. Your parents separated or divorced?

[C]

My parents are separated.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

All right. When did that happen?

[B]

What age?

[C]

Yeah, I guess I was 18.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I think that's when they got separated, but I think they got divorced like a year after that or something like that.

[A]

Gotcha.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Where's your mom at now?

[C]

She's in Wisconsin.

[A]

Okay. Remarried as well?

[C]

No, but she has us, you know, has like a boyfriend, I guess you'd say.

[A]

Gotcha. Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Everything's amicable, back and forth. Everybody's kind of.

[C]

Oh, no. Okay, there we go.

[A]

Here we go.

[C]

Not at all.

[B]

Are you cool with everybody?

[C]

I'm cool with everybody. I'm like the peacemaker. I'm the one who always is like, oh, we're so sorry about. You know, I'm like, writing emails and shit.

[B]

And you're also removed. I have that. You're like, you're not in the.

[C]

Yeah, I'm removed. And every time I go back, it's one of those things you're like, man, this is rough. This is like. It can be. Because when your parents just can't even get along, it's like, you guys are fucking. You're going to die. Just.

[A]

Just relax.

[C]

Just relax a little bit.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

There's no therapy. Like, what. What's that? You know? Not at all. So, yeah, it's. Yeah, I get along with everybody pretty much.

[B]

What was a family vacation like growing up? Where would you go? The Dells.

[C]

We actually know.

[B]

I would.

[C]

I begged to go to the Dells.

[A]

I was big.

[C]

I begged. We never went to the Dells. I want to go.

[A]

They probably went to Europe.

[C]

We went to Europe a lot, but not on vacation. We never did. A lot of times. What happens. My dad would work a lot. He was very busy. I would go. He would pick a kid to go with them on a trip.

[B]

Like a business.

[C]

Like a conference trip. Right, a conference. So I would be like in some anteroom drinking, like Coke after Coke in Belgium, maybe. I went to Belgium when I was.

[A]

What's an anteroom?

[C]

Like a side room from the conference.

[A]

Gotcha.

[C]

Yeah, I was. I don't know why I said. I never said anteroom before either. It's like Merck's cheese.

[A]

Like it's Doc Pemberton's kid sucking down Diet Pepsi's. Like it's going out of style.

[C]

Oh, just. Just plain Coke on glass. I'm not drinking fucking Diet Pepsi. What do you think of here? Okay, Diet Pepsi.

[A]

What do you think of here?

[C]

If someone put a Diet Pepsi for me, I'd be like,

[A]

what do you think of here? Is Minnesota for motherfucker?

[B]

Minnesota nice. That's a phrase, right? Minnesota nice.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

[C]

Yes, gang.

[A]

As you know, Kevin and I are both pretty knee deep in talk therapy. The summer is here. There's gonna be a lot of travel. There's gonna be a lot of moving around. You're gonna be around family, a little more stress, a little bit of that, a little bit of this. Talk therapy isn't just for the big things in your life. They're for small things. They're helping you navigate situations. They're helping you be a better person. How to talk something out with somebody. Be a sounding board. BetterHelp is a fantastic place to start. They have licensed therapists that you might not find in your area. You get to do it over the phone, you get to do it over video. You get to do it however the way you want it. Do yourself a favor. If you're going through something, anything big or small, get on BetterHelp and help yourself.

[B]

Yeah. They have over 30,000 therapists. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platforms, having served over 6 million people globally. And it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. The numbers don't lie. Dog quality therapists. Better help therapists work with according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S. i've always said it is better help. If you're on the edge of your journey, thinking about something starting and it seems daunting, it seems overwhelming. You got to call people, go meet people. This is an easy way to get in. Just get in the pool and then when you're in there, you meet your guy. They help you. The guy or girl, they match you up. If that's not it, they can. They can shift it around, but you're already in the pool and the boat's already moving forward. You don't have to say yes to everything. This summer, find support in therapy. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] garbage. That's BetterHelp. H E L P.com garbage. Do it.

[A]

Yeah, Kip. Let's talk about Cash App baby.

[B]

Cash App gang.

[A]

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[B]

I know. Cash App Cash App also adds security to your money by declining suspicious card transactions, sending you a notification to make sure the payment is really you. If your card is ever lost or stolen, you can lock it with just one tap right in the app. Bing, bow, boom. Spend with confidence and the Cash App card. Today, new Cash App Customers can earn $10 if they use the code CASH APP10 in their profile and sign up and send $5 to a friend within 14 days. Terms apply. Cash App is a financial service platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton bank member fdic Cash App Visa debit flex cards issued by Sutton bank member FDIC and the Bancorp Bank NA pursuant to a license for from Visa USA Inc. See terms and conditions for the Sutton prepaid cards, Sutton Debit Flex cards and Bancorp Debit flex cards. Cash App Green features savings, direct deposit roundups, overdraft coverage and discounts provided by Cash App a block Inc. Brand Visit Cash App legal podcast for full disclosures. Now back to the show.

[A]

Back to the show.

[C]

Okay, but here's the thing. My mom was from Louisiana. So you know, that's, that's half of me. She grew up not. She was from, she's not from New Orleans. That would be nice. She was from New Orleans, but she was from a town called Alexandria.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Like the middle of nowhere, middle of the state. It smells like a paper mill because there's a paper mill. Uh huh. Yeah, it's a, it's kind of go down there and visit at all a bunch of times. Yeah. Cuz my grandpa used to live down there.

[A]

She bringing that Creole spice to Minnesota. Oh yeah.

[C]

Oh yeah.

[A]

Etouf.

[C]

Yeah, she's a great cook.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

What was her, what was her big dish that you love? It was like my favorite. Doing the.

[C]

I like crawfish etoufe. That's my favorite. So I'm glad.

[A]

Gentlemen.

[C]

Yeah, I love a nice crawfish airto f. Please. Si vous play, monsieur.

[A]

Huh?

[C]

All right, so that's the thing.

[B]

Interesting character.

[C]

It's a blend. It's a blend because my mom's family, they're not, they were not like my, her dad was a mechanic in the Air Force. So what, you know, you know, they had, they didn't have, you know, they had three kids. They weren't like hurting for. They weren't like starving, but they definitely were not.

[A]

They Weren't surgeons watching McNeil and McNeil on PBS.

[C]

Yeah, they were not very different. Very different.

[A]

Flash Pemberton, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

Anyone in your family smoke a pipe?

[C]

No, my dad smoked cigs for about 20 years.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Awesome.

[C]

Yeah, I mean a lot of doctors smoke a lot back then. Yeah, a ton of them would smoke. They would smoke like crazy. You still you still see a lot of guys outside the emergency room smoking, High stress. There was a doctor named Peter Mucha. He used to smoke, like, two packs a day. And he was the ER surgeon.

[A]

Damn.

[C]

Yeah. That guy would smoke like a fucking chimney.

[B]

What kind of cigs did your dad smoke?

[C]

Gosh, I don't even know. I mean, I really don't, because it's. He quit. Because I got really bad asthma as a kid, so I think it was from the smoking. As soon as you stopped smoking, it kind of. I started feeling a lot better.

[B]

I never connected that that's probably why I had asthma.

[C]

It probably is, yeah. Do you think from the sigs, from

[A]

the heaters your dad was blowing in your face?

[B]

Dude, I never put that together. Never once was like, don't smoke in the house. It was like, you got your inhaler on you, right?

[A]

Could your dad do anything noticeable with his hands where you're like, oh, he's a surgeon. Like, have you ever seen him, like,

[B]

do, like, a light,

[A]

A heater?

[C]

Yeah, just, like, do it like this. Like, dice super fast?

[A]

Like, did he do, like, ships in a bottle or anything like that?

[C]

Oh, he knew that stuff. He had a very steady hand, I imagine. Yeah. I think I forgot. I used to have very steady.

[A]

Steady. This kid's ice cold. I like it.

[C]

Yeah, he held that pretty long. Well, because his dad was a surgeon as well.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

And so was his dad.

[B]

What?

[C]

I know. Isn't that crazy?

[A]

They want. Did he want either you guys to go into the surgery?

[C]

They never made it a thing. It was never like, you should do this. I wanted to for a long time, but then I was like, I am so bad at math that I just cannot. I don't think I can get through this.

[A]

Why? You have to have math. Math?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Why?

[C]

Because you do. You just have to, like. You have to be okay at math.

[A]

You do.

[C]

You know what I think?

[A]

I mean, like, times tables.

[B]

To get through this, you have to get through school.

[C]

Yeah. You have to get through, like, calculus and stuff like that.

[A]

Ah.

[C]

What? I could have.

[B]

You know what? If you don't want a surgeon, that ain't doing the math. Yeah. What? Huh?

[A]

Well, I understand, like, you know, 3 milligrams of this, 2 grams of that.

[C]

I could have studied, though. I could have studied. Yeah, but I didn't want to do that.

[B]

Were you a good student?

[C]

No.

[A]

How'd you do on your. What do you guys take out there acts?

[C]

Gosh, I don't remember. I think I did just good enough to get into Florida State University.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

Yeah. Johnny P. Which is not. That's good.

[A]

I mean, it's cool that you party.

[C]

Oh, yeah, I was fucking partying.

[A]

Playing jazz and. Dude, I was partying Cheese.

[C]

I was partying.

[A]

You're down there getting. Getting loose.

[C]

Yeah, it was very loose. It was very loose. There was a lot of. A lot of fun.

[B]

What'd you major in?

[C]

Keg stands, kickstands, and college radio.

[B]

You did college radio?

[A]

No.

[C]

You didn't. Yeah, I did college radio, but I did. I majored in communications, which is, you know, that's like a free major.

[A]

Hit us with the call sign, baby.

[C]

WVFS, Tallahassee, the voice of Florida State, 89.7 FM. Call 644-1837 for your requests. Coming up next is something off of Relaxing with Miles Davis. This is it never entered my mind. Featuring Paul Chambers on bass. Actually, I don't think he's playing on base.

[A]

All right, let's do it for real. You weren't. You weren't selling that down there in Florida State, were you? You're doing the Weezer and stuff. It was a jazz.

[C]

They had a jazz show on Sundays.

[A]

That's what you did. You had that. You had that voice, just like kind of the soft rock.

[C]

I don't know. I don't know if I sound like that back then. I was just doing that for you.

[A]

I loved it, but I think probably soothing.

[C]

It wasn't indie rock station, though.

[A]

Gotcha.

[C]

It was definitely like, all kinds of indie rock. All kinds of stuff where it's like, no one knows about this stuff.

[A]

That was very good. That was very soothing.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

This is Johnny Tempton on a late night hour.

[C]

Hi, it's Late Night here. We're listening to some music from Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong right now. This is from their 1968 release On Verve Records. This features Ed Thigpen on drums and Ella Fitzgerald's husband, Ray Brown on bass.

[A]

You can hear the kids in the dorms, like, what the fuck is this happening? Get late over here.

[B]

Pemberton's at it again. Go, Johnny, go.

[C]

I wanted so bad to be a jazz radio dj.

[A]

That's awesome.

[C]

I applied for a job at WBZ in Chicago because I want to live in Chicago. That's what was my dream, to live in Chicago.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

But I didn't get. I didn't get a job there.

[A]

And when did you start doing this? Doing the acting and the standup?

[C]

I guess I started when I moved to la.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Huh.

[C]

I mean, I always Knew I really wanted to do it, but. But it was one of those things where in Minnesota, I didn't grow up around anyone at all who even knew someone who did that.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

I knew my dad had a friend who was funny. His name was Glenn Fisher. He's the only guy in town, but he wasn't even in town. He lived in Nashville.

[A]

He's a doctor.

[C]

He's a doctor.

[A]

He smoked 12 packs a day.

[C]

Yeah. He spoke like he had a carton of him. He smoked every day. But this guy, I remember he used to be funny. When someone brought out a video camera, he would be funny on the video camera.

[B]

Turn it on.

[C]

Yeah, he would turn it on. They'd all laugh at him because he'd be like, welcome. He was from, like. I think was from, like, maybe Philly or something like that. It was like, welcome to Minnesota, where the coffee tastes like buffalo urine. Shit like that. Remember seeing that video and being like, oh, that guy's funny, man. That guy's funny. That's so cool. He's funny. Yeah. But otherwise, you know, you can't say you want to do comedy in the Midwest. You can't. You couldn't possibly say that because he'd be like, oh, oh, he's got. We got a funny guy. Oh, funny guy. You know what would be pretty funny is if you shoveled the walk.

[B]

That'd be hilarious.

[C]

I might laugh quite a bit if you did that.

[B]

This is my deal, Jerry.

[C]

He's a funny guy here, huh? Oh, so funny you couldn't get to class on time, I guess, huh? It's pretty funny.

[A]

I assume, being a Midwest kid, that we'll find common ground on this and from your vibe.

[C]

Right?

[A]

I was obsessed as a kid and young adult with Garrison Keiller.

[C]

Oh, my God, me too.

[A]

The Prairie Home.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Quiet weekend, like, what we got. Yeah.

[C]

I love his stuff so much. He's really right.

[A]

That's right up your alley. All right, now it's all falling.

[C]

I had all the cassettes. I listened to the cassettes. I was, you know, I'd be like, doing something, painting in my room or something like that. Or maybe, like, I don't know, whatever I'm doing.

[A]

You know, the Buddy Holly story. I don't think him drive. Him and his buddies driving out to see Buddy Holly when the plane crashed.

[C]

No, I don't know that. Actually.

[A]

It's a good one.

[C]

Damn. I. I gotta check that out.

[A]

It's a good one.

[C]

I met him once.

[A]

Get out of here.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Huh. Cool guy.

[C]

I guess so. You Know, I was pretty young. He's a very big guy.

[B]

He said, get away from my car.

[A]

Yeah, I'm gonna run you over on purpose.

[C]

Get away from my car, son. You're gonna get run over.

[A]

Bit of a weird kid.

[C]

It's been a loud week in my hometown. All right, that's crazy. You know that? Here's a cool story.

[A]

Please.

[C]

I met a guy in Florida State, this guy named Eitan. He was from Miami. And he was really into that stuff too. He's really into Garrison Keeler, Pray Home Canyon. And he had. I think he was like Israeli or something. I don't know. He had a weird accent and he was like, where you're from?

[A]

Very Minnesota.

[C]

Yeah. Got a weird accent. He.

[A]

Funny guy. He.

[C]

We talked about. He found us from Minnesota. He was like, oh, I want to go to theirs. I want to go to that place so bad. I told him it's not a real town. And he was. I saw his face like, what do you mean it's not real?

[A]

Lake Wobegon?

[C]

Yeah, Lake Wobegon. He wanted to go there so bad. And I'm like, it's not. It's not a real place. It's fictional. He made it up and he just was. He was just. Just. The color drained from his face. This tiny man, like five foot tall guy from Miami.

[A]

Did you go to games when. When you were at Florida State? You go to football games? Involved in that?

[C]

I. I learned about it there. I never. That whole thing to me was.

[A]

Your dad wasn't watching sports growing up.

[C]

Not at all? No, no, no. I mean, it was like an anti sports house almost.

[A]

Gotcha.

[C]

Yeah. It was weird that.

[A]

Did you pledge down there? Did you join a fraternity?

[C]

No, no, opposite. I would like, never, never do that.

[A]

But you partied.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, everybody parties. That's like. Everybody parties. I mean, we were doing like, everybody parties. Here's how much I partied. I had a friend strap in. I had a friend get arrested for buying the precursor chemicals for ghb.

[A]

Hey. Parties.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Not even Rolls Barreau can get you out of that one.

[C]

Nah.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

He went to jail for like two weeks for that shit, huh? Yeah. And we were doing a lot of that.

[A]

Yeah. You're. You just got your street cred back. I'll pay that Pemberton for about a

[C]

year and a half. Yeah.

[A]

Huh.

[C]

A year and a half?

[B]

What is that? I. That would never hit around us at all. It was more.

[A]

That's not true.

[B]

It was more. I mean, my age. It was more pills. What is It. Yeah. I'm just saying.

[C]

Pills, too.

[B]

We weren't making it. No, it wasn't that big. Where you're like, I need to get this at a manufacturer. Yeah.

[C]

Because that's how you get it.

[A]

Couldn't really tell you how it feels. It's weird.

[C]

I always say it's a cross between being perfectly drunk and painkillers that last the right amount of time.

[B]

What would the right amount of time be?

[C]

Exactly one hour intense. And then four hours after that, it's totally gone. Like, you. Like, you're, like, sober, basically. Like nothing ever happened. Yeah. But also, you know when you do stuff when you're 20 years old, 21 years old.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

Like, God forbid, everything bounces out. You bounce off everything. If I did it now, it would probably be like, I can't do anything for two days.

[A]

Yeah. I step on the. And I'm done for tonight.

[C]

If I have hot wings, since. I guess I can't. I can't do a spot tonight.

[A]

Can you do spicy? You a spicy guy?

[C]

I usually can't. I had an incident just two days ago where a man. It was the fucking worst night I've had in years. I was up, going to the bathroom probably like four times. And the burning in my ass, it felt like it was. Something was inside of me. It was so fucking hot. I was whimpering. I was in a Hampton Inn. Fucking. Just being like.

[A]

That's where you're staying at Hampton Inn?

[C]

It's the only place you can stay.

[A]

That's where we stay.

[C]

I mean. What do you mean? I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. Like.

[A]

I'm not.

[C]

Like. You're putting me on a pedestal here. Yeah. I'll do a Hampton Inn. I'll do a Hampton Inn.

[A]

I'm. Hey. I'm not. I'm not.

[C]

Yeah. Bad burn.

[B]

What?

[A]

What'd you eat?

[C]

A couple hot wings.

[B]

All the cereal?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Apple Jacks. These fucking Apple Jacks, man.

[B]

These things bite bad.

[C]

Yeah, they were expired.

[A]

Where did you have the wings? And how hot were they?

[C]

I got a takeout delivered to the hotel.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

It was after. I was in a field drinking all day.

[A]

Okay. And then what were you doing out there?

[C]

Hanging out with some guys.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Everything sounds like you're like, we're the cops. We just pulled you over and you're making up the world's worst alibi. There's some guys.

[C]

There's a guy there hanging out with some officer.

[B]

I was drinking in a field.

[A]

Officer.

[C]

How many did I have? How many did you have officer? I don't know.

[B]

It's oddly specific but vague at the same time.

[A]

Was it a festival or something?

[C]

Friends of mine had this monthly thing called Beerfield. This is these guys. I know he's making this up. I know it sounds like I'm making it up. And it's all.

[A]

Was it back home?

[C]

Were you in Minnesota? This is Rhode Island.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

The Kanane brothers.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[B]

So they link up once a month and get drunk in a field. That's a good time.

[C]

It's a. It's a community event because there's no bars in this little town.

[A]

Are these the guys you worked on Mermaid with?

[C]

No, these guys that worked on the curling movie with.

[A]

Okay, yeah, gotcha.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

All right. I thought you were up there doing stand up because you're at a Hamptons Inn and you guys get together.

[B]

Well, is it like a community? Like there's a bunch of people or is it just like the boys?

[C]

I think it's a whole community because it's a small town that doesn't have any bars. So they do this thing. They get like a license from the city that allows them to have.

[B]

It's sanctioned.

[C]

It's very, like, family friendly. There's dogs and there's some, you know, hot dogs and stuff like that.

[B]

Like hot dogs?

[C]

Yeah, very like, you know, all the crackers come out.

[B]

All the.

[C]

The crusty, leathery Rhode island guys come out and have a bunch of beers in a field.

[A]

How many. How many years have you been going to this?

[C]

This is the first time I've ever been there. I just happen to be in town because the screening, the Mermaid screening we had in Newport, I was like, oh, I'll go to New York on Sunday, go to this beer thing and hang out with these guys that I spent two months in Winnipeg with.

[A]

Right. Filming the movie.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. And then you got back to the hotel, you wanted some hot wings.

[C]

Want some hot wings?

[A]

You're feeling a little. You got a couple in you? Feeling a little adventurous? You go for the extra spicy?

[C]

No, I just get the. This is why. I don't know what happened.

[B]

Got them dry.

[C]

I got like just the most plain buffalo wings. I also had like a halal chicken and rice thing.

[B]

You know, separate place or same place? Place?

[C]

Same place. Because I had to get the minimum order on grubhub.

[B]

Okay, hold on. So you know you got hot wings from a halal place.

[C]

It's all. All the same place. It's all the same place.

[A]

You're bundling on Uber and You're giving me this. You're not a big star. You kidding me?

[C]

Well, you have to. You have to make the minimum. So I bought some.

[B]

I was like, what did you want? Did you want the wings or did you want the chicken and rice?

[C]

I want the chicken and rice.

[B]

You wanted the chicken?

[C]

Yeah, Something basic.

[A]

Get some wings.

[C]

I was like, oh, I'm not. Didn't make the minimum. So I'll.

[B]

I'll get some throwing a wing kicker.

[C]

Get six wings. Six buffalo wings.

[A]

Now, here's the trashy thing that I think. You do double chicken. You do chicken and rice and chicken wings. I would have got lamb or beef on the. On the. On the. You do double chicken.

[B]

Rhode island lamb. I don't want to eat lamb at a Hampton Inn.

[A]

Yeah, okay. I'll give you that. Yeah, I'm with you on that.

[C]

I can't see where it's coming from. I'm not going to get it.

[A]

What do you mean? Like, coming at you.

[C]

You know, if you can't see, like,

[A]

oh, how the lamb was raised.

[C]

Meet the guy. I want to meet the guy. I want to see the place. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

You do that,

[C]

you know, if you order from a place. You know. I don't know this place at all. I've never been there.

[A]

You're not saying the only time you eat lamb is when you go and meet the lamb yourself?

[C]

No, I'm not.

[B]

Just like a restaurant you've been to, Like, I know that.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That place does good lamb. I understand it.

[C]

This is like a faceless place. I've never heard of Ghost Kitchen. Could be a ghost called, like, you know, Jim's Halal.

[A]

Yeah. Yoza and Yoza.

[C]

Jim's Halal and Yoza.

[A]

All right.

[B]

But I know what the wings got you.

[C]

They got me. Is bad. I think it's the worst I've been burned in maybe 10 or 15 years actually. You never had that happen.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

100.

[C]

You don't.

[A]

Probably too much like 100.

[C]

A hot exit.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, man.

[C]

That. But that is. It's a different kind of pain.

[A]

Make your mouth whistle. Make your butthole.

[B]

There's a lot of nerve endings.

[A]

Yeah, man.

[B]

And they don't. They don't like. They don't like the hot sauce.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Tell you that much.

[A]

So bad on food.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You just say.

[B]

Let's say you didn't order the.

[C]

Right.

[A]

The.

[B]

The takeout. And you. They have that little snack shack there.

[A]

They have it at two star hotels.

[B]

those hotels. What do you like do you like a snack there? What do you. What do you do? You come in. You gotta. You've been drinking in a field all day.

[A]

Gummy bears. You going for the ice cream, man?

[C]

You know, I don't. It's a tough one. I kind of. First. I hate those things. They shouldn't have those. It's a hotel. It's not a store. You know, I gotta push back on Johnny Penn like this.

[A]

You want nothing.

[C]

It's a new. That's a new thing. It hasn't been, I think, a new thing in hotels. Like the last maybe 10 years maybe.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Hotel used to be. They have, like. You have like room service or something.

[B]

I agree. There should. I should be able to get.

[C]

There's like a local restaurant.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Not this, like, oh, you want a piece of ramen package to microwave in your room. That's what it is now.

[A]

I don't think they say that.

[C]

That's what they're saying to you.

[A]

Sure. Be able to get a steak and a baked potato. Brought the room.

[C]

Right.

[B]

I also never knew we didn't stay in hotels a lot growing up. And I only. I thought every hotel until we started, like, touring, I thought every hotel, you could get room service.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You'd be like, hey, send up the chicken fingers.

[A]

That's gone.

[B]

It is.

[C]

There's an episode of Sopranos, remember, Where we've never seen.

[A]

I literally just quoted it, right. Steak. You sent up a couple of steaks and mashed potatoes.

[C]

But that's. That's that episode, right?

[A]

Yeah. Dining room's closed. I sent up a bottle of Johnny Walker in this. You could go over to Canadian's or whatever it's called that right there.

[C]

Yeah, that episode.

[A]

Just saw that clip.

[C]

That's like the. The most relatable piece of that whole show for me was when they were like. When that guy. Yeah. Like, things have changed. Things have changed. And they're so disappointed about that. That's how I feel about those fucking little stores at a hotel. I hate that shit.

[B]

I gotcha.

[A]

Did you like Sopranos, Johnny?

[C]

I mean, I think it's probably the greatest thing ever made. I honestly think it's probably the best show that's ever been made of all time. And I watched it kind of recently. I think I finished watching it about three years ago. And I remember thinking, like, what am I gonna watch now? Because nothing will ever be this good.

[A]

I mean, we could wrap this up now.

[C]

I mean, is that, like, a weird opinion, though?

[B]

I don't think it is a great.

[A]

It's the greatest television show ever made.

[C]

I don't think it's even a television show. I feel like it's something else.

[A]

It's one of the only things that I watch to the point that they hate my guts over it.

[C]

Yeah, I can see that happening though, because.

[A]

Wrong verbiage, I guess, but because you feel like you're.

[B]

Get out of the house a little more. That's all. I'm not saying it can't be the only thing you watch. It can't be what you do all day.

[A]

It's one. It's one of man's greatest achievements.

[B]

It is.

[A]

I honestly feel that way.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It's so incredibly great.

[B]

And the telephone,

[A]

obviously.

[B]

Dr. Pemberton, I'd like to thank BMW for the 750, but I watched that.

[C]

I watched that show so recently, like, for me, I avoided it for a long time because I thought it was like super violent for some reason. And it is obviously really violent. But I think I'm really happy that I waited so long to watch it because I think I wouldn't have appreciated as much if I watched it when it came out. I think I would not have liked it as much.

[B]

I love this guy.

[A]

I love him.

[C]

All right, guys, I'm done.

[A]

Kim, let's talk about Progressive.

[B]

Shout out to Progressive.

[A]

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[B]

Yes. Visit progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little cash back. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. National average 12 month saving of $946 by new customers surveyed who save with Progressive between June 2024 and May 2025. Potential savings will vary.

[A]

Cab. Let's talk about that chili pad.

[C]

Chili pad.

[A]

I know you're. You're a hot sleeper. You sleep hot.

[B]

Hot. Boxing it.

[A]

That's why I want to tell everybody about the chiliped 2.0 by Sleep Me. It's the most advanced version yet of the bed cooling system built specifically for people who are tired of waking up hot and sweaty. There is nothing that I hate more than waking up hot and sweaty. You gotta adjust the covers. You gotta do this. You gotta do that. Chilipad works with the existing mattress. There's no need for a new bed. Yes, works right there. Bang. There you go. Sleeping comfortable.

[B]

Uh huh. It actively cools or warms your bed by using water. It's a thermostat for your bed. And water is the key here. Fans just move hot air around like a bozo. That's all a fan does. We're talking about the Chillipad. It uses actively chilled water to cool the bed. Oh, God. Actually pulling heat away from your body. And the difference is standing in front of a fan or jumping into a cold pool. You do the math. Okay. Okay. Visit www.sleep.me garbage to get up to $255 off your Chilipad 2.0 with code GARBAGE. This special offer is available for RU Garbage listeners, so take advantage advantage of it only for a limited time. Order today with free shipping and try it out for 30 days. You can return it for free if you don't like. If you don't like it with their sleep trial, visit www. Dot s l e e p dot me garbage and never wake up hot and tired again.

[A]

Yeah, man.

[B]

Plug the radio station. Get out of here.

[A]

Yeah, bounce out of here, huh? On the topic of food, right, what do you get into? How do you get your burger cooked?

[C]

My burger cooked?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Whatever the chef recommends.

[A]

What do you think?

[C]

I get medium, usually medium.

[A]

All right, I'll give you that.

[C]

Medium well.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I don't like burgers. Steak. I don't love burgers. Honestly don't love burgers. Steak, I usually get probably medium.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Rare, maybe.

[A]

Good, man.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You like a steak?

[C]

I love a steak.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What was the last restaurant you went to?

[C]

The last restaurant I went to, it was probably.

[A]

I like how he repeats the question. Well, because I'm trying to remember someone's been murdered.

[C]

I forget everything I killed him in was someone. When someone ask me like, seriously, what have you been up to? Sometimes I'm like, I don't know.

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

I'm trying to think what I've been up to. And sometimes I'll just go like, oh, okay, yesterday was. That was Monday. And I did. Yeah. Last restaurant I ate at. God, I don't know what I have for dinner. Oh, I know. I went to Abe Pagodas last night and had dinner there in Bushwick. A bar Abe.

[A]

But go to the actor.

[B]

There's a bar called Abe Pagoda.

[C]

There's a bar called Abe Pagoda.

[A]

Oh, Abe Pagoda.

[C]

It's like a tiki bar. It has food.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And I had. Had dinner there.

[A]

Is this in Brooklyn?

[C]

It's in Brooklyn. It's in Bushwick. Bushwick, yeah.

[A]

Huh. Hanging out with the hipsters. Yeah, yeah, the trendsetters. What'd you have?

[C]

I had some chicken yakitori and tater tots

[A]

and Napoleon dynamite.

[C]

It was really good.

[A]

Chicken yakitori.

[C]

It's like chicken skewers.

[A]

Okay. Chicken skewers and tater tots.

[C]

Yeah, I had that.

[A]

Keeping it tight?

[C]

Yeah. Because I have. So I have a crazy dietary condition.

[A]

Hit me.

[C]

I don't have a large intestine. I had it removed about 25 years ago because I have had ulcerative colitis for a long time.

[B]

Whoa, you're doing shawarma and hot wings in the middle of the night?

[A]

Are you out of your mind?

[C]

Yes, I know I am out of my mind. And that's it.

[A]

Don't have a large intestine. Yeah, you just got the small.

[C]

Just got the small? That's what. No one's ever said that before. No one's ever said.

[B]

Just got.

[C]

Just got you.

[B]

You still got the small, though.

[C]

Just got the small. Yeah.

[A]

Crazy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Can you not eat a lot?

[C]

I assume I can eat anything, but I just have to pay for it.

[A]

What do you mean? Like.

[C]

Like suffer.

[B]

Like, have. What are the consequences of your actions? Is it just like diarrhea?

[C]

Diarrhea or having to go. Yeah, that's what diarrhea is. Frequently.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Urgently. And. Yeah.

[A]

It's mainly that you do fast food with this.

[C]

I can do. I'm just super selective about stuff. And also, I don't know, it's like my life. It's. I've been living this way for so long. I don't really. I'm not, like, actively thinking about it. It's more just constantly. I'm always thinking about. I take. I think about what I'm gonna eat a lot.

[A]

You do?

[C]

Yeah, I'm very careful about what I eat.

[A]

What'd you have for breakfast this morning?

[C]

I had some yogurt. Some plain yogurt.

[A]

Okay. From the hotel?

[C]

No, from a little. I guess a bodega or something like that. I got a little thing of yogurt. I prefer sheep's milk yogurt, but they didn't have any. That's the good stuff. If you ever get a chance to have sheep's milk yogurt, that's the ultimate yogurt.

[A]

Does it have a tang to it? Does it have that lamb y fly?

[C]

You mean the goat taste? No, goat.

[A]

Hate the goat.

[C]

I hate the goat, too. Do not do the goat. The goat is no good.

[A]

It took me like five years to get used to goat cheese. The first time I had it, I was like, what the is this?

[C]

Yeah, but the goat yogurt is even more. It's even more goaty.

[A]

People drink goat's milk. That's.

[C]

No, no, thanks. I'm not a shepherd, okay.

[B]

I don't. I don't tend to my flock.

[C]

I'm sorry. I'm not out here smoking weed in the mountains.

[A]

What did they smoke? Weed?

[C]

Shepherds? Yeah, I think they're the. They're the original stoners.

[A]

Is that true?

[C]

Yeah, because that's how you pass the time. You just get high as and you sleep.

[A]

It's like a Coltrane.

[C]

Listen to Coltrane while you watch your sheep eat grass and make like a little. Like have a little fire. Make your weird little bread in the mountains of the Kush Mountains or some shit.

[A]

I don't think any of this is historic, but I like where the story is going. What's your favorite fast food?

[C]

Oh, man. Favorite fast food.

[A]

You're not a burger guy.

[C]

I mean, I like. I love McDonald's.

[A]

You love McDonald's? What, burgers?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I love McDonald's. I actually like flare fish a lot.

[A]

My man.

[C]

Filet of fish. Put the fries on there. I actually.

[B]

I had a fries on a sandwich.

[C]

Oh, you gotta. You never done that? Fish?

[A]

I don't know. Do you really think that he hasn't done that?

[B]

I don't think I've ever.

[A]

Are you kidding?

[B]

Rise on a filet of fish.

[A]

Not a filet of fish, but on a sandwich.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I don't know if it's ever crossed my mind.

[A]

You have the hungry man all the time with the hash brown in the middle of it.

[B]

Yeah. That's different than French fries on a filet of fish.

[C]

I don't know if it is.

[A]

I don't think it is either.

[C]

It's the best.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

You put them on the.

[B]

I understand.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

This jumps from French fries on a. Putting your own French fries on a filet of fish versus. I meant a potato breakfast sandwich that comes with potatoes in it.

[A]

Fair enough. Now, what would the filet of fish with fries on it do to your body?

[C]

Not that much.

[A]

You're okay.

[C]

Okay. Yeah. I usually only have it for lunch.

[B]

Can I ask a medical question?

[C]

Ask it wherever you want.

[B]

What does the large intestine do?

[C]

It does a lot of stuff. It's kind of like a loading dock for one, you know? Like your shit's in there. So when you. When you have time, when you go. When you go shit. It's like it sits in there waiting as opposed to just going through. It also takes out a lot of water from your stool.

[B]

Dries it out.

[A]

So.

[C]

Yeah, dries it out. But also extracts the water for, you know, for hydration purposes. There's also a couple vitamins, I think. I can't remember which ones exactly. I think vitamin D, maybe vitamin K. There's a couple vitamins. It's actually not essential, obviously, because I'm alive here. I'm alive for 20 plus years without the colon. But yeah, it's basically just extracts a lot of water and minerals.

[A]

Wait, do you not have a colon either?

[C]

That's the large intestine.

[A]

The large intestine is the colon.

[C]

Yeah. What'd you think it was?

[A]

I thought the large intestine was the large intestine and the colon was the colon.

[C]

Wow. No, that's the same thing.

[A]

Get the fuck.

[C]

Your dad is a. I know. The irony is ridiculous.

[A]

What's that all about?

[C]

I don't know. I think that's one of those things where it's just.

[A]

Your surgery.

[C]

No, that never happens. You can't do that because.

[A]

Did you get it done at the Mayo Clinic?

[C]

I did, yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Discount.

[C]

I didn't have to pay for it. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't me. I wasn't paying for my own. You got to pay for your own surgery. You're going to work it off. Yeah, I didn't have that.

[A]

Peyton. Peyton. Dollhouses.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

His dad is a colon surgeon. He's had his colon removed.

[C]

Very strange.

[A]

Jerry, that's crazy. I didn't know that that was the colon.

[C]

It is. I think technically there is some sort of discrepancy between the large intestine and the colon in terms of like. I can't think what it is, but they're both out.

[A]

You don't have a colon?

[C]

No colon. Large intestine is gone completely.

[A]

Damn.

[C]

Yeah, it was a two part surgery.

[A]

Every day I find out how dumber I am.

[C]

It's crazy, actually. No, honestly though, there is. There is something right about that. I can't remember what it is exactly. We could. We could. There's some difference.

[A]

Maybe it's an entrance way or something.

[B]

I thought this just. In my head, I thought the colon was the end of the large intestine.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I think you might be onto something there.

[B]

The colon is the longest section of the large intestine.

[A]

No kidney.

[C]

Right. But also it Also is used to describe the large intestine a lot. Just as a thing.

[A]

As a whole.

[C]

Nomenclature. So you're. Technically. You're right. We're both kind of right. You know what I mean?

[A]

The colon would be Bushwick, Brooklyn would be the large intestine.

[C]

You could say that.

[A]

Can we say that?

[C]

You can say that.

[A]

Can I say that?

[C]

You can say that.

[A]

Confirmed. Dr. Pemberton, later on after the broadcast.

[C]

This is all in my special that's going to be coming out. I don't know when it's going to come out, but.

[A]

Are you being serious?

[C]

Yeah. I did a whole special about this fantastic called Minnesota Reggae Colostomy Bag.

[A]

Let's go.

[C]

Yeah. And it's about that.

[A]

Let's go.

[C]

So we'll see. I just finished editing it.

[A]

Fantastic. You don't know where it's.

[B]

Where'd you shoot?

[C]

Shot in la.

[B]

Very nice.

[C]

Just a random theater. It's a fun show. I mean it's like a normal stand up show.

[A]

Really. Sure. Let's. Let's talk about travel. You're flying up front. You fly. You fly in the back. Keep it tight.

[C]

I do both.

[A]

You do both.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Gentlemen.

[C]

So I do this thing where sometimes I will. Anytime I'm flying home. I try to fly first class.

[B]

Smart.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Relax a little bit. Get home, fresh down, gentlemen.

[C]

Also, I think it's good to be arriving where you live in first class.

[A]

Why?

[C]

Because it's where I live, man.

[A]

Feels good.

[C]

Don't want to be seen in the back.

[A]

Is that right?

[C]

I got something you want.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

That's my theory.

[A]

So that's. That's about as much of the LA stuff that you do. You want to show up at lax first class?

[C]

Yeah, if I can.

[A]

You're not going to go to the Grove or make it at the Viper Room or any of that bullshit. Be it Erewhon. Waiting 25 minutes to get a $45 milkshake.

[C]

No, I don't.

[A]

Johnny P. Showing up first class.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Case Coggins gets on like. How you doing, big dog?

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

You don't want to see in the back. Like a bozo. Yep, very smart.

[C]

That's the idea.

[A]

They don't know how you got there.

[C]

And also it's just more comfortable.

[A]

Right.

[C]

I'm exhausted from traveling.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

I wanna relax. Especially if I can lay flat. If I can lay flat, dude. I wanna lay flat.

[A]

Likes to lay flat.

[C]

You ever lay flat? You ever laid flat?

[B]

Yeah. We started flying first class and it was one of those things even when we couldn't really afford it. It was like, well, we're never.

[C]

I can't go back.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Remember the first time you had to lay flat?

[B]

Mm.

[C]

That shit is. I remember it. I remember it was a surprise to me. It's like, holy shit.

[A]

I'm a bigger fella. I'd rather just have the larger first class seat. I don't do good in the. In the lay flat. It's like a dentist chair for me. I get it. I can't get comfortable. I can't get. You go on your side. Can you go on your side on that?

[C]

I can do it all. I'll go upside down.

[A]

Sometimes when you sleep, how do you sleep? On your back on your side and your stomach?

[C]

I think I do side and back.

[A]

Side and back. You do back?

[C]

I start down and up on the back. I don't.

[A]

Down.

[C]

I don't know what's going on, you know?

[A]

Hold on.

[C]

You start down like this, I'll start sleeping. Yeah. I start down. I start down.

[A]

How many pillows you use?

[C]

Just one.

[A]

Just one pillow. Nothing between your legs, not holding anything?

[C]

I mean, I've heard a lot about this between the leg thing, especially from friends of mine. One of my friends swears by a pregnancy pillow and he's like, it's so embarrassing. But I. My J pillow, it's fantastic. Do you use it now?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You do and you love it, right?

[A]

This has been left out of the dossier.

[B]

I don't use it all the time, but it is a. It's.

[C]

Well, use it once. Use it once you used it?

[B]

No, no, it's great. It's a big J pillow.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And you can snuggle up and it's. It gives you everything. It's like a hug from a bigger man.

[C]

Man.

[A]

What's that? What's the house like? You got an apartment? You got a house?

[C]

Yeah, house.

[A]

Own it. Very nice. Pull.

[C]

No pull, no pull. I don't want that liability.

[A]

Fair enough.

[C]

Guy.

[A]

What's the. What's the whip. What's the everyday car you zipping around LA in?

[C]

I have a truck.

[A]

Truck.

[B]

Truck.

[C]

It's a Honda Ridgeline truck.

[B]

Nice.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What year are we talking like a

[A]

truck truck or an suv?

[C]

Well, pickup, technically. Technically it's not a truck. If you talk to truck guys, they'll be like, it's got the small truck.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Small bed, but it's. It's like. It's a dumb difference. It's just a. A smooth driving truck.

[A]

What's the Mrs. Drive?

[C]

She drives a Subaru.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah. It's Good.

[A]

King size bed in the house. Sleeping in a king.

[C]

Queen of a queen.

[A]

You have a queen?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

How many pillows are on the bed during the day?

[C]

Probably like, I don't know, what's a pillow? Like it's a stuffed animal kind of pillow.

[A]

No, stop.

[C]

I'm not put. They're not mine.

[A]

Your wife, you have stuffed animals on your, on your bed?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

My wife has them on there.

[B]

What are they?

[A]

What are they? They're not baby dolls, are they?

[C]

Yeah, they're baby dolls with ceramic faces. And one has one eye and one has a knife and it's got like, you know, we've got one that's like a snake.

[A]

I was scared for a second.

[C]

One is that doll Annabelle. We have a giant Annabelle in the corner. No, it's just like a little, I don't know, some Japanese Disney plushie thing. I don't know.

[A]

Oh, just one.

[C]

There may be. There's a rotation.

[A]

Are these from her childhood?

[C]

No, no, no. This is, this is current.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So just kind of like a little decoration. Yeah, I respect it.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

I respect it.

[C]

Yeah, they're on the bed. I think we probably have maybe four pillows plus whatever. Yeah.

[A]

You go to sleep with the TV on?

[C]

No. No TV in the bedroom?

[A]

No TV in the bedroom?

[C]

No.

[A]

So when you guys go to bed and like get situated, you are you sitting there reading? She's sitting there reading or falling asleep or on her phone? Probably.

[C]

Probably on the phone.

[A]

It's cute.

[C]

I'm trying not do that anymore.

[A]

Man.

[C]

It's so bad for your sleep to be on the phone right before you go to bed.

[B]

Brutal.

[C]

So I'm trying to do. Yeah, just reading. And we have a dog too. Sometimes the dog is in there, but not anymore because she. We had to put her in the living room because she wakes us up at like 5 o' clock in the

[A]

morning to go to the bathroom.

[C]

Yeah. Or just to get up. Like, hey, it's morning, huh? Yeah, I'm done. She's the sweetest dog.

[A]

What's the dog's name?

[C]

Her name is Yogurt.

[A]

Yogurt?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Greek. What, what kind of dog?

[C]

She's a golden retriever.

[A]

Get out of here. Love it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Got a golden retriever in my mom's house. Bentley. Bentley.

[C]

Oh, that's a cool name.

[A]

We've always had retrievers at a German shepherd back in the day in a visual hand when I was young. But ever since 9 11, we've had retrievers all the way through.

[C]

What, some of 9 11.

[A]

I don't know why I did that.

[C]

Something happened when the towers came down. You're like, no more German shepherds.

[A]

We just happen to get a cold retriever at that time. Yeah, it's really my mom's dog. Which I have to really start saying. That's a 50 year old man. But he's my buddy.

[C]

Yeah, you love him?

[A]

Love him. My little brother.

[C]

How old is he?

[A]

Two or three.

[C]

Okay, that's good.

[A]

And it's the same lineage. It's the same. He's related to the other two dogs that we had, Yingling and Daisy.

[C]

Yingling. That's funny, Philly. There's probably a thousands of dogs in Yingling.

[A]

Surely. Yeah, that and Jalen hurts.

[B]

When was the last vacation? What was the last vacation you went on?

[C]

Last vacation.

[B]

Vacation, vacation, vacation.

[C]

Like I'm trying to think. Last work related was probably. I think it was Hawaii last summer.

[A]

My man. What island did you go to?

[C]

Big island.

[A]

Kona side.

[C]

Is that the east or the west?

[A]

The got me the west.

[C]

West side. West side.

[A]

The west side was. What's the mountain?

[B]

Was Steve there?

[C]

Oh, we went up the mountain though.

[A]

You did? Saw the Milky Way.

[C]

Oh my God. It was the greatest thing ever. It's so cool. It's like you're on the fucking moon up there. It takes forever to get up there. And you feel all spacey. Cause the air's thin. That was one of the coolest things I've done in a long time.

[A]

And you got to see the spiral of the galaxy.

[C]

Well, we did it in the daytime.

[A]

You did?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

There was nothing up there.

[C]

Yeah, but it's still really cool.

[A]

So cool.

[C]

Yeah, it was great. It was a very cool trip. I think daytime just as good. Cause you get to see out over everything. And yeah, at night you can see this.

[A]

The spiral of the Milky Way galaxy.

[C]

Well, I mean, can't you see that from someplace else too?

[A]

Not here.

[C]

Not here. No, not here. Definitely not here.

[A]

You see in a couple spots, right?

[C]

I've seen the spiral.

[A]

Have you?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You ever see the northern lights?

[C]

A little bit. When I was in Winnipeg, I saw them for just a little bit, but I was so tired I just got in. I was like. I don't feel like you have to even then, the northern lights, sometimes you have to go out a little bit away from the lights.

[A]

Wings coming into Hampton Inn. Going out there. Nuts.

[C]

Yeah. Bring the northern lights to me.

[B]

You have name brand luggage.

[C]

I don't know if I do. I don't also this. I don't like that shit.

[A]

Are you have you always been good with money? You always been a saver?

[C]

I've been like, I'm so good with money, it's ridiculous.

[A]

Is that right?

[C]

Yeah, it's kind of boring. I'm actually, I just recently I realized I am saving too much.

[A]

Yeah, a little bit of cash on you.

[C]

Doing well, I mean, I just save a lot. I don't like to spend. I really don't like to spend.

[B]

Spend money on. You went to Hawaii. That's good, like, month. Is there something. Your comic books or video. Is there something collecting anything?

[C]

I collect records. I'm collecting for a long time.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Like, I stopped collecting aggressively a couple years ago.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

But even then, that's like a cheap hobby.

[A]

Yeah, it's.

[C]

If you have a job, it's a cheap hobby. Because most record collectors who are hardcore record collectors, that's what they do. And so they're like pension pennies. You ever see that movie American Splendor?

[A]

Of course. Harvey Peacock, my favorite movie.

[C]

That guy's the epitome of a record collector, you know, fully on the spectrum. Doesn't want to spend any money. Anything but records. So excuse me, if you have like a. When I first moved to LA and had a job, I was collecting records back then and I was like, oh, my God, I'm making like. Was making like, I don't know, not that much money, but I was making money, had a job. I was like, oh, my God, records are cheap now.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Because I would. All I wanted to do is buy records all the time. I have a lot of records, man, but now I don't. Yeah, I don't have like an expensive hobby at all. I don't gamble. I don't know.

[A]

I was a jump.

[C]

Well, I have a bunch of friends who. They tell me how much they gamble. Like, what the fuck?

[A]

It's big today.

[C]

Like, how you do that? You're 10 grand down. Like, no.

[B]

How many records that is?

[A]

Yeah, you and the missus are having dinner, put on a little record. You sit there at the table and listen a little jazzer now. No, you sit at the table when you have dinner. You sit at the couch and watch tv.

[C]

We sit in the. At the coffee table and watch tv.

[A]

And what do you watch lately?

[C]

Probably watching alone. Not show on Discovery Channel.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah, because I have a thing. I don't want to watch, like, a movie or a show if I'm really invested in it because you can't eat food and also look at the screen, you know, So I want to be able to Actually pay attention.

[B]

Be checked in.

[A]

You guys cooking, Ordering in.

[C]

Ordering in a lot. So much it's. It's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed to how much it's her, though. It's her. She's the problem. Sure, I want to cook. Ever since the pandemic, it's been like a slippery slope where she's like a fucking wizard at ordering, you know, I mean, she's like, just.

[A]

So does she handle it?

[C]

Yeah, of course I touch it.

[A]

Did she say, what do you want for dinner?

[C]

Essentially, this is how you.

[A]

She doesn't say that. That's awesome.

[C]

It's like this. What do you want?

[A]

Okay. You know, and what do you say?

[C]

And I'll say something and she'll be like, I don't know. I'm like, see, that's why I don't say anything.

[A]

So you say just order whatever it is.

[C]

It's like, whatever you want. I will find something at that place that I like.

[A]

Oh, so you do pick the specific item. She doesn't order dinner for both of yous? No, no, I'd love that. Just get you, Dan.

[C]

I mean, sometimes she does. If I'm coming home late, she'll get something. She knows. Knows. I like chicken skewers. Yeah. Some chicken. Some yakitori. There you go. Yeah, Some chicken liver, huh?

[A]

You like chicken livers?

[C]

I do like it.

[A]

But you like pate or foie gras? Of course, my man.

[C]

Yeah, I used to like it a lot when I was younger, cuz I.

[A]

Younger?

[C]

Yeah, cuz I had a friend hanging out in Belgium.

[A]

What's younger?

[C]

Like when I was like, I don't know, 12. Because I.

[A]

You were eating pate and foie gras?

[C]

Yeah. Cuz I had a friend, my friend Eric, who was like super hoity toity. His family was from Cape Cod. They were like, you know, they were like old money people. And he was all about pate. I'm like, what is this stuff? His family.

[A]

12 year old.

[C]

I know. Isn't that nuts? It's really weird.

[A]

Makes you look like a bozo.

[C]

Luke. Yeah. I was having pate. I thought it was the best.

[A]

It's so good.

[C]

It is great. It is great. But it's also like, I don't want to eat anymore because it's.

[A]

I understand. Sure. You're a conscious man. Not really.

[C]

Good for you too. No, no. Not good for you.

[B]

No.

[A]

That and a bottle of red wine.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

A couple heaters afterwards.

[C]

You know that guy? This is guy who was a writer. Jim. You heard? Jim Harrison. No, he wrote Legends of the Fall.

[A]

Love that movie.

[C]

He's a great writer. Incredible writer from Michigan. He's written, like, you know, 14, 20 books, but he was like, a big time. He would eat just the most intense, rich stuff. He was good friends with Mario Batali. Batali would fly into where he lives. They would have like a four days of just eating every, like, stuffed goose with a. You know, just all this stuff. The man lived until his 80s somehow, but this guy was going after it. He smoked, you know, mar breads every day, drank a bottle of wine every day. This guy lived so long, like, so something. Something works with that, huh? But not for me.

[B]

No.

[A]

Colon.

[C]

Yeah. I can't process all that.

[B]

Can you drink alcohol? I guess you can, right? Does it affect alcohol?

[C]

No, it does, but I pull back a lot. Like, this trip is the most I've had to drink in a long time.

[A]

Had to drink?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You're up in the woods with the boys.

[C]

Yeah. Also just wanted fun in the city. I like drinking.

[A]

You got some squad. Who are you out to dinner with in Bushwick? Some friends.

[C]

Ryan Donahue, comedian.

[B]

Shout Out Ryan.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Love Ryan.

[C]

I love him, too. He's so funny.

[A]

Very nice. So you got the squad out here, right?

[B]

What's your take? I mean, this guy's all clear. I mean, I was on the fence.

[A]

I'm going to tell you right here. He is one of the sweetest people I ever met.

[B]

Sweet, sweet man.

[A]

He's educated, sharp. Okay, sharp. He's good with money. He's calm. He's collected. Sounds like he has a loving, peaceful home.

[B]

Jazz.

[C]

Jazz can be.

[A]

He's a cinephile. Knows movies.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

He reads books. Suits. His one pillow. No TV in the bedroom. Drives a sensible car. Wife drives a sensible car. Father, esteemed man. Doctor. Mayo Clinic surgeon. Might be. And this is somewhat new because we had somebody really classy last time.

[B]

This is going to get crazy if you're going to say the classiest. No way.

[A]

What do you think? What's not. I'm not saying the intestine's not his problem.

[B]

I'm holding that against him.

[A]

Yeah. What would. What dirt do. You got under his fingernails. I'm not.

[B]

I'm saying I don't think he's the classiest guy. I'm saying he's classy.

[A]

I'm not. What do you think you do? That is garbage.

[C]

I don't know. That's garbage. Maybe just if.

[A]

I just don't want to spit in the hotel room. You brush your teeth in the shower.

[C]

I have. But I don't do that.

[A]

You pee in the shower.

[C]

I use, like, a shitty toothbrush. I don't have, like a nice toothbrush.

[A]

It's okay.

[C]

I don't have, like, nice luggage.

[A]

That's okay.

[C]

There's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of status stuff that I genuinely find so off putting.

[A]

Which makes you classic.

[C]

I fucking hate it so much.

[B]

I find he's a classy guy for sure. Look.

[A]

What do you. Look. What do you call that stuff?

[B]

When.

[A]

When the.

[C]

Stealth Wealth.

[A]

Stealth wealth.

[C]

Okay. But that's not what he's doing.

[A]

I understand. He's just a conscious man.

[C]

How do you know? I'm not doing that, though. So stealthy. We don't. I think that anybody who has money and you know it. They don't have money. You know what I mean?

[B]

She has money.

[A]

And you know, that's exactly what you're talking about.

[C]

If you. If you really. I mean, sometimes you can tell if you know, it's like a thing where you can tell, like how the. I think how you compose yourself, how you treat people says more about your supposed class than anything for sure.

[A]

Let me ask you this, Mr. Pemberton.

[C]

Yes. Yes, sir, doctor. I'm not.

[B]

Son of a doctor.

[A]

Son of a doctor. Grandson of a doctor. Great grandson of a doctor. Right.

[C]

And now I'm some sort of. Not a doctor. Definitely not a doctor.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You can Play 1 on TV though.

[A]

When you went out to. When you went to dinner in Bushwick last night with our friend Ryan D. Right. Who picked up the check?

[C]

He did. But I paid him. You know, I paid him. I venmoed him.

[A]

You split it?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Ooh, interesting. Not stealth.

[C]

Well, what, am I supposed to just pick up the tab all the time? I do a lot, but it wasn't a date, Okay?

[A]

I have.

[B]

That's all class.

[C]

You know what? I have bought Ryan dinner. I bought Ryan dinner.

[A]

That's not what he said. He was in there yesterday trashing you.

[B]

He's fucking texting right now, pulls out a receipt, and I tipped 18 and a half percent.

[C]

I did pay him more than half, though.

[A]

That's good. There you go.

[C]

I did pay. Well, more than half, even though we definitely had the same amount.

[A]

Did you. Did he get a couple of tater tots?

[C]

Oh, yeah, we split the tater. It was a big thing. Of tater tots. I'm eating a whole basket of tater tots. Yeah. That's awesome.

[B]

This guy's the best, buddy.

[C]

I do like picking up a Check, though. I do like it.

[B]

Feels nice.

[C]

Yeah. For the points.

[B]

Maybe. He's a dirt bag. I don't know.

[A]

I'd like to know what he's sitting on too.

[C]

I don't know what I'm sitting on. Even.

[A]

Business manager.

[C]

No.

[A]

Handle it all yourself?

[C]

No, I have an accountant. But the business manager thing, I think is. I don't know. I don't know if it's worth it.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah. I don't know if it's worth it because I don't trust people that much. I think it's a kind of thing. How many times you heard a story about someone who gets everything gone because they're so busy doing their stuff and they don't think about it at all? I don't know. I just don't. I think that I don't trust it in house. Yeah, Keep it in house.

[A]

Pemberton files. Stay here.

[C]

Remember that part in the. The Professional?

[A]

The Professional?

[C]

That movie with, you know. Remember when. At the. At the end, when Matilda goes to. What's his name?

[A]

Goes to Danny Aiello.

[C]

Danny Aiello.

[A]

I'm gonna give you a little bit. He's. That him you trust.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

He did. First of all, that was in the. That was in the fucking fridge in the back.

[C]

Nobody knocks off old Tony.

[A]

Nobody knocks off bank.

[C]

It's knocked off. Nobody knocks off old Tony.

[A]

I love Danny.

[C]

Oh, my God, the best. And when he was like. Remember when he says that thing about, like, I'm about to. My famous good mood's about to go away. I don't know. I'm just thinking about that because, like, I feel like I'm him for me.

[A]

Gotcha. You know, you're old Tony.

[C]

No one's taking my money.

[B]

You're the Alamo, baby.

[C]

Exactly. The last day I gotta be on

[A]

top, I got yogurt guarding the front door. What are you talking. No one's coming in here.

[C]

That dog's not gardening. 5:00am that dog isn't guarding a goddamn thing except her food bowl, which is

[B]

where I keep my money.

[A]

Johnny Pemberton, ladies and gentlemen. Class gonna start filming the new season of Fallout, season three. He's got a brand new movie out right now. Mermaid. Yes, that's it on vod. Got Apple. Amazon.

[C]

Yeah, I think you watch it on Fandango too. How can they do that? But you can do it.

[A]

You said it's a dark comedy.

[C]

Yeah, it's a thriller, horror.

[B]

Ish.

[C]

Dark comedy. It's a cool movie. I'm really proud of it. I love it.

[A]

I think you're a super talented actor.

[B]

Yeah, man.

[A]

Fantastic comedian. You're super funny, you're super sweet. And you're all class, baby. And we love you.

[C]

Well, thanks for having me. I really had a great time.

[A]

Kippy, what do you got for him?

[B]

Guys, we have a few dates left. Denver, I think, is the only thing on sale. Get those tickets now. We love you, gang.

[A]

We love you. We'll see you in three days. Peace.