A Garbage Christmas Miracle!

Summary

Podcast Summary: Are You Garbage? – "A Garbage Christmas Miracle!"

Episode Overview

In this festive and rowdy Christmas special, hosts Kevin Ryan and H. Foley are joined by their crew – New Guy Luke and Ryan "Diesel" for an annual holiday extravaganza. They celebrate the end of a wild year, reminisce about their garbage holiday traditions, swap store-themed gifts, and answer fan-submitted "Are You Garbage?" Christmas stories. The episode is full of the show’s trademark trashy banter, heartfelt moments, and plenty of laughs.

---

Table of Contents

1. Opening Christmas Chaos (00:00–03:59)
2. A Trashy Gift Exchange: The Christmas Miracle (03:59–19:03)
3. Gift Breakdown and Banter (19:03–36:01)
4. Listener Christmas Garbage Stories (50:18–61:24)
5. Dirtball Family Traditions & More Holiday Talk (61:24–83:07)
6. The Finale: Twas the Night Before Garbage Christmas (83:08–End)

---

Opening Christmas Chaos (00:00–03:59) <a name="opening"></a>

• The episode kicks off at “Aunt Tooty’s house” for a family-style, off-the-rails Christmas special.
• The hosts immediately set the tone for a raucous, loving, “garbage” holiday—Aunt Tooty’s already recovering from too much Christmas cheer:

  "She unfortunately had a little too much Christmas cheer last night, so we gave her a liquid IV and a Midol. She's gonna be sleeping till about dinner time." – Foley (00:41)

• Kevin, crowned "Santa Claus" and new dad Kippy of the year, expresses gratitude to the fans, recaps a successful year, and roasts Foley for hijacking his thank-yous.

Notable Quote:
"Make sure you get that beef Wellington, by the way." – Foley (00:53)

Vibe: The camaraderie is real, the jabs are sharp, and the Christmas spirit is off-kilter but heartfelt.

---

A Trashy Gift Exchange: The Christmas Miracle (03:59–19:03) <a name="gift-exchange"></a>

• The crew spins the old holiday tradition: each person selects a store that ‘represents them’ and must buy gifts for the team from that store.

  • Kevin: Home Depot (“King of the Burbs”)
  • Foley: Toys R Us (“Grew up trashy”)
  • Luke: Nordstrom (“Bougie, classy guy”)
  • Diesel: Williams Sonoma (for the home chef—details emerge throughout)

• Spirited debate about Home Depot vs. Bloomingdale’s, the best department store smells, and the bittersweetness of shifting into “dad” mode at Christmas.

  • Foley on dad life:

  "I'm on the other side of all those Christmases I had... where you're just like, dude, what do you—if I was still in the heaters right now, you guys be opening it up..." (05:23)

• Recap of past cheap gift years, and confessions of last-minute holiday shopping struggles.

• Foley cracks about the butt plug craze, immediately spinning it into a classic AY Garbage digression.

---

Gift Breakdown and Banter (19:03–36:01) <a name="gift-breakdown"></a>

Ryan Diesel’s Gifts:

• LED the gifting, starting with Kippy:
  • Artisan Pizza Set with Olive Wood Handles (11:14)
    • Foley: “Is olive wood nice?”
    • Diesel: “Olive wood is very nice.” (11:46)
    • Also: accessories, pizza sauce, herb oil—gift bag is crumpled, which becomes a punchline.
  • For Foley: Giant Caesar Salad Bowl & Rich Lady Salad Claws (16:01)
    • “That’s a nice Caesar salad bowl. You put the anchovies in there, the egg yolk, smoosh it up, the garlic… then the salad on top.” – Foley (16:46)
  • For Luke: Stone and Wood Cheese Board Set (18:25)

Other Gifts (H. Foley, Kevin, Luke):

• Foley gifts Diesel a Telescope (24:10):

  "If your neighbor's in the shower... this is a great telescope. I never got one as a kid." – Diesel (24:50)

• Luke gives Foley a Nordstrom Timex Watch (25:58):

  “Now we go to dinner, we got nice watches on, looking like Jenna.” – Foley (26:21)

• Major themes in the exchange:

  • Self-referential ribbing (bad wrapping jobs, gift receipts, “bought this this morning”)
  • Trash-to-class spectrum in gift choices: Ugg scarf, bath sets, Lego F1 series, heated blankets, cold brew makers
  • Stories about family, being jammed up, and embracing garbage traditions

Memorable Moment:
Diesel describes getting an expensive Dewalt jigsaw and double battery set, thanks to a Home Depot cashier’s tip:

"If you buy the batteries... you get the tool for free. Swear to God, this guy didn't have to do that. Tracked me down, found me... buddy, you saved Christmas." – Kevin (31:35)

---

Listener Christmas Garbage Stories (50:18–61:24) <a name="listener-stories"></a>

Fan-submitted "AYG" Christmas tales:

• JB’s Christmas in Montana: Gave kids lumber and skateboard ramp plans because work hadn’t paid out (51:29)

  • “Worst part is, we never built the ramp.” – Reader JB
  • "That’s what being a dirtbag on Christmas is all about." – Foley (52:18)

• Schmoogley’s Casino Family: Family gets drunk then goes to the casino every Christmas Eve (53:22)

• Reflections on how family holiday meanings change—less about the kids as everyone ages, more about the communal time together.

---

Dirtball Family Traditions & More Holiday Talk (61:24–83:07) <a name="family-traditions"></a>

Highlight Discussions:

• Estranged Families at Christmas: (60:01) Attempted to unite warring relatives, failed spectacularly; brother ate alone and hotboxed the bathroom.

  “You gotta learn the hard way.” – Foley (61:24)

• Trapping Santa as a Kid: (46:44)

  • “Is it garbage to try and trap Santa?... I set up trip wires and hidden cameras...” – Reader Dirt Head
  • Hosts share their own childhood Christmas booby traps and pranks, including accidentally injuring uncles.

• Food Debate: Dip Parties Forever (81:47)

  • “All dips, just all dips. You’re sitting there, laughing, counting your tips... that’s what it’s all about.” – Kevin (81:59)
  • “I might switch over to all dips, all the time.” – Foley (82:11)

• Secret Santa Debates:

  • Is it garbage to count a discounted item’s full value for a $50 Secret Santa minimum? The consensus: sales don’t count, but the spirit of the season does (71:35).

Notable Quote:
"Whenever you fold vegetables into a pita, that's when you know it's Christmas in an Albanian household!" – Foley (82:57)

---

The Finale: Twas the Night Before Garbage Christmas (83:08–End) <a name="finale"></a>

• H. Foley’s signature holiday parody poem. Bittersweet, honest, and on brand:

  “Twas the night before Christmas and all through Tuddy’s, Luke was tossing and turning, dreaming of ganja and nerd clusters and all Christmas’s goodies...”
  – H. Foley (83:30)

• The poem wraps up the episode with sentimental beats, inside jokes, forgiveness for past mess-ups, and a promise of more Are You Garbage adventures in the new year.

---

Notable Quotes

• “Christmas came early for a couple of guys.” – Kevin (08:30)
• “You know you love getting cozy, right? You're a cozy guy.” – Kippy (47:43)
• “If you've done your job... that ain't your fault what a retailer decides to put on sale.” – Foley (71:37)
• “That's what being a fucking dirtbag on Christmas is all about.” – Foley (52:18)
• “All dips, just all dips... that's what it's all fucking about.” – Kevin (82:11)
• “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. We love you.” – H. Foley (86:04)

---

Tone:
Irreverent, affectionate, raucous, but warm – a classic “dirtbag family” holiday with all the bruises, inside jokes, and surprisingly touching moments Are You Garbage fans know and love.

---

For Listeners New and Old:
You’ll get laughter, a full schedule of oddball gifting, and proof that in this crew, being a little garbage is what brings everyone (including the audience) together for the holidays.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are you garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage.

[B]

Merry Christmas.

[A]

Merry Christmas. It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that at the Gerta Naughty. Yeah. Or if they're just a big old piece of trash.

[B]

Ho ho ho.

[A]

I'm your host. A trolley coming at you on a beautiful day, Christmas day here at aunt Tooty's.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

She unfortunately had a little too much Christmas cheer last night, so we gave her a liquid IV and a Midol. She gonna be sleeping till about dinner time. Okay, so when, by the time the beef Wellington's done, she'll be out.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Make sure you get that beef Wellington, by the way.

[B]

I gotcha.

[A]

My co host is coming at you from across the table. Our very own Santa Claus around here, the international businessman himself, New dad Kippy of the year, Kevin James Ryan, everybody.

[B]

What up, gang? Shout out to you as always. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for a wonderful year. By the way, happy holidays to everyone.

[A]

Thank all the bozos and the homies enough.

[B]

Really taking the legs out for my. Thank you. Sorry guy. Who could have thanked him but didn't I thank him? He cut me out. Classic H. Foley. Wouldn't want it any other way. That had thug means back. Please make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also full video available over there on Spotify, baby. Middle of the charts. How you doing? Season, Season's greetings. Then obviously the greatest website of all time. Www.patreon.com all yougarbage go over there. You get all that holiday cheer, gang.

[A]

That's right. And it wouldn't be a family Christmas episode if we didn't take a little stop by the corner office. Who's doubled up in occupancy. We got our good pal new guy Luke and Mr. Ryan Diesel, head of operations.

[B]

Hey gang.

[A]

Hey boys.

[B]

Director of operations right here next to me going over the numbers. Loving it. Great Q4.

[A]

Good job, boys. Good to see you, Diesel. You want to say hi?

[B]

I did. Hey everybody.

[A]

Smooth as butter, that kid.

[B]

That's why we love them, gang.

[A]

We're here for.

[B]

Call him 80 grit.

[A]

Gang, we're here for our Christmas episode. We can't wish everybody enough. Happy Christmas wishes to everyone. We love you very much.

[B]

Are you on the fritz or something?

[A]

What are you talking about having a nice time waiting for my prezis.

[B]

Sure. Do you like my. I went. My this is last year. This is last year jacket is real big. It didn't button last year and now I went with the sleeves. I feel like Don Johnson, Christmas Seinfeld or Steve.

[A]

Steve Buscemi.

[B]

What's the deal with Jews?

[A]

Steve Buscemi in Sopranos when he got out of prison. Huh? Remember he was wearing the old thing?

[B]

I remember. Yeah. Hey, Sopranos reference early on. Yeah. Wow. Okay.

[A]

You know what I was thinking about today?

[B]

I thought it was a Christmas miracle, gang. We made it two and a half minutes.

[A]

I thought it would make a really sharp tweet, but I'm not a tweet guy. I don't. I'm not. I'm not a writer, you know. I mean, I don't work the tweets.

[B]

Like the X.

[A]

That's what the kids call it now. You know, I usually go there for my two minute films.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Let's see what's going on down south. It's going to be a sad day. One day when people don't get Godfather references. That would have been my tweet. Think that it went a viral. Punch it up and throw it up there. Whatever you want to do. It's fine. Can we get to the presents?

[B]

They were gonna pass. Sure. Yeah, we can. We can get to the present. So as. As you know, we've. If you've been following the show since the beginning or have gone back and watched the. The Christmas episodes. The Christmas episodes have been a very kind of thermometer of the year and our lives at that point.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What. I mean, sure. The first year I remember we bought all. I bought everybody's gift at the cvs. I think it was like you got a pack of Matchbox cars and I.

[A]

Still have that dental floss.

[B]

Some candy or something like that.

[A]

Some candy. Do they sell them there?

[B]

I do, I guess. I don't know if you ever. I was like looking for the Lotterman or something like that. I made the wrong turn. Ended up in fucking Adam and Eve land.

[A]

I've been very curious about this whole blood butt plug wave that's going on these days. Not for my size.

[B]

Not for yourself. You can't be very curious and then go not for myself.

[A]

It's interesting, huh? Sometimes bros are wearing it to dinner and stuff like that.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

You know.

[B]

Is that why you're on the fritz right now? You got something?

[A]

Damn it, Diesel. I said medium.

[B]

Get your present. Christmas came early for the big Man.

[A]

Adam and Eve next day deliver came rectally. He hit that prostrate. I don't know what you want from me.

[B]

Sure. Of course. So this year we've decided, you know, we did the thing where we've spent a lot of money. We've done on this. We've done this. We've done.

[A]

That sounds like a dad about to cancel Christmas.

[B]

Listen, I felt very. Dad. I felt. I felt it this year. I did my shopping for you guys this morning. Cursing the whole way. Nothing's wrapped. And you're lucky. You get what you got.

[A]

Straight C report card.

[B]

That's where I made all ungrateful bastards. Everybody Breaking my stones. I'm the only guy going to work every day. It was I this. I finally felt like I've. It's come full, sir. I'm on the other side of all of those Christmases I had where you're just like. It's just like, dude, what do you. If I was still in the heaters right now, you guys be opening it up. I'd look like Mel Gibson with the.

[A]

Wasn't that on Oprah? Ripping a eater. What do you think you're getting this year? From the fam?

[B]

From my family.

[A]

Socks, ties, shit like that.

[B]

Yeah. Probably nothing, man. We've been. You know, he's teething. We haven't had a minute to fucking to think about nothing. So I don't know.

[A]

But you're probably going to get something from your wife that says from little Kipirino.

[B]

Probably. I would. I would assume so. Or maybe nothing. Or maybe it's like the printout of something going. This is what we were going to get, you know. I don't fucking know. I just gotta get me to fucking 2026. Let me get out of this fucking. Shake the cobwebs loose. That being said, we each picked a store that represents us to buy the gifts for the rest of the. The rest of the family members. Right? So mine is king of the burbs. All my gifts were purchased at Home Depot.

[A]

Love it.

[B]

Which we'll get into it as we start breaking it. Home Depot. Just a place to be.

[A]

You think so?

[B]

It really is. It really is. I'm a Target man as well. That might shift the Home Depot because Home Depot's got a lot of the home stuff that Target also has.

[A]

Yes, but then you got lumber.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. Get all the good stuff. Get all the heavy duty stuff.

[A]

I have to say this. I'm not a homeowner, okay? I don't have a family.

[B]

All right. Somebody got into the eggnog a little quick. Dad. Someone went dark with the henny.

[A]

I know you guys are all mad at me. I guess I'm gonna be the bad guy in this one. Flip the table. Out of all the department stores. Now, you know that I'm a sucker for walking in Bloomingdale's. And I get. You don't like it, but I get the ladies Perfume counter. I like that. Takes me back. Especially around this time of the year. No other department store or store. Big box store, but we call it. You know, businessmen call. Nothing smells better than a Home Depot.

[B]

Sure, that would. That wood smell, which I was a little wood. I went to the one I made or, you know, I went to the one on 23rd Street. That's a rip. It's close, but not the same. They got. There's nothing.

[A]

That old bank.

[B]

Then walking into the big one. Yeah.

[A]

Out back.

[B]

You smell fertilizer. Ain't got no fertilizer at that point. Goddamn. You know, explosive restrictions.

[A]

Good ayg. Question would be, when you walk into Home Depot, do you walk through the main door or do you walk to the gardening section?

[B]

That's funny. No way.

[A]

I always walk through there, grab a little fertilizer, pop them in.

[B]

So much Styrofoam in there. I never got that.

[A]

Is that what that is?

[B]

No.

[A]

The white stuff.

[B]

I don't think so.

[A]

I always thought it was Folger's crystals.

[B]

Were Folgers crystals white?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've never seen them really. That had aged out by the time we. You know. That was 80s shit. I'm a 90s guy.

[A]

Those cancer lawsuits came quick.

[B]

Sure. Settlement swept it under the rug. Keep it moving. Christmas came early for a couple of guys. All right, so let's get into it. I want to do Diesel first.

[A]

Let's do the D's.

[B]

Diesel. Come on over.

[A]

So you had Home Depot?

[B]

I bought all my gifts at Home Depot.

[A]

Luke, classy guy that he is, has Nordstrom, which, if you don't know Nordstrom, it's like a nicer Bloomingdales or whatever. Macy's maybe on the same park.

[B]

It's a little high. I think it's higher than Macy's, lower than Bloomies. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, that's. I mean, I didn't go to a Bloomingdale's for. Till I was in my 20. I don't know. I don't know enough about them. It's nice. A higher end.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Classy guy. Higher End department, department store.

[A]

And Diesel, you had what? Tony D. Dinopoli, the family style Italian restaurant on 61st Street.

[B]

William Sonoma.

[A]

Whoa, I know him.

[B]

Very nice.

[A]

I know his brother, Steven Gary.

[B]

Okay, so Diesel, come on over.

[A]

And I got Toys R Us.

[B]

And then. I'm sorry, big man had Toys R Us. Big man got everybody toys. Something to represent themselves, you know what I mean?

[A]

When I was in Toys R Us, which I went to Macy's on in Herald Square, I was getting wrapped and she goes, how old are they? I'm like, how old too?

[B]

He's like, the toys for my bald fat friends. We do a podcast.

[A]

These are all for grown men. Deez, give me a high five. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, boys. First of all, thank you for a fantastic year.

[B]

And also, you don't get an on camera appearance fee. By the way, everybody got their Christmas bonuses. That's how you know we're doing well. It went in a wire. I didn't have to take out cash this year. Yeah, that's how you know things are changing.

[A]

Yeah, it was pretty good.

[B]

So how do you want to do it? Do you want him to give his first.

[A]

Whatever you want to do. I'm down for whatever you.

[B]

Let's do yours and then we'll give you ours. So you open yours. These are all. These are this from the. From the gift giving brain of Ryan.

[A]

Ryan D. So Kippy will be first. Okay. Kippy is not an easy purchase because he's a man. Lovely rapping.

[B]

Who if he needs. I see the crumbled up receipts and everything. That's a Wawa receipt. I see sizzling. I can smell a sizzly from a mile away.

[A]

The spoon was used to make a sauce this morning. Now, Kippy, if you were cooking something at home, what would that be? Say it's summertime. It's a nice day outside. What are you doing? Probably his latest insults for me.

[B]

Someone. Someone's getting a personal. If I was cooking something, it might be a pizza.

[A]

Scrambies. It might be a pizza.

[B]

Uh huh. It might be a pizza. It might be a pizza.

[A]

What would you need?

[B]

The pizza I don't like you're making. You're giving me a lot of pressure of guess guessing. Right?

[A]

Weird vibes. Oh, well, that's beautiful.

[B]

Very nice.

[A]

And it's crumpled. So what was that? 20% off.

[B]

It came from the as is bin.

[A]

It's a square pizza cutter.

[B]

It's a pair of socks.

[A]

One's black, one's blue.

[B]

Oh, very nice. You got your olive wood pizza Tool gift set, bake and serve artisan pizzas like a pro. Like I do. With our specialized tool designed in house for the ultimate performance. Each features a contoured handle crafted of sustainability harvested olive wood. Is olive wood nice? Olive wood is very nice.

[A]

Is it really? Yes, it is. Do you know it? I do. So they get the owls and they cut down the tree. Yeah. Huh.

[B]

Start by rolling the dough docker. Oh, I see that thing across your shaped pizza. This creates indentations that prevent air bubbles, ensuring uniformly flat, crispy crust for easy slicing. Our pizza wheel feature. I don't have a good pizza wheel, so this is great. Stainless steel blade with a razor sharp edge. Keep that away from Henry. The server has triangular stainless steel blade that slides neatly under freshly baked sleep slice, making it easy to transfer pizza from pan or peel to your plate. Very nice, Ryan. Thank you very much.

[A]

Yes. Can I just ask you this? I'm not taking shots. Why is it dented? Why is it dented? Why is the.

[B]

Some would say it's al dente.

[A]

Al broken.

[B]

Trav. Hit me. Where you at? That's very nice. Thank you.

[A]

That's nice, buddy. Now that you mentioned it, it does look.

[B]

No, it's crumpled. It looks like you bought it off a homeless guy.

[A]

Was hanging out of a trench coat.

[B]

Talk to William Ensignment. Yeah, that's pretty fucked up, but I respect it.

[A]

In addition, we have some pizza accessories.

[B]

There's more accessories than those three. I thought the three accessories was a stretch. I've been eating pizza my whole life. I never had accessories.

[A]

Okay, that was a gabagool. Half eaten. Half eaten.

[B]

Seasoned olive oil, herb pizza oil, extra virgin. Just like Henry. Brighten up your pizzas with a drizzle of our savory oil enhanced with garlic, Italian herbs and a hint of red chilies. Holy shit. Very nice. Already open.

[A]

And a little mustache hair. That's lovely, Diesel.

[B]

Very nice. I would assume this is a nice jar of sauce.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[B]

I would assume. There you go. Very nice pizza sauce makes three 12 inch pizzas. I like a nice saucy bitch, so I might. This might go over two ZAs.

[A]

Big Joe Gambino's pasta sauce product.

[B]

Italy, they're charging more for this.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

That's very nice. Thank you very much.

[A]

That's lovely. Deez.

[B]

Now you do to big man.

[A]

Sure. Now, big man. Hey, let me take a swig of.

[B]

This drink for a probably backhand someone.

[A]

What do you got, babe? Now, you're not particularly known for a salad, but if you were. Yeah, might be it'd be lunch meat, you know it would be a Caesar. Big guy. I've split many seasons with you. Not from prying eyes of these two.

[B]

You two split a season Getting two seasons, sharing a fork, splitting the season.

[A]

We do?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I tell you, when me and Diesel go out to dinner together, we do very well. Nobody busting our balls or asking questions. Get many sodas as we want. If you were eating a Caesar at home, making it yourself, just give me the salad, will you? I got the entrees coming. If I was making.

[B]

Hurry up.

[A]

If I was making a Caesar salad at home, what would you put it in? I. Well, in a perfect world, the bathtub.

[B]

Is it me or is that a big salad you're eating with those wall utensils? You know what I mean?

[A]

That's a lot of dressing. I would do it all the way. I'd go to whole shmere.

[B]

Yeah. And we're back. Oh, Pugsman's making a list of people that don't like them. Whoa, look at that.

[A]

That's sick.

[B]

You could put a lot of potato chips in there.

[A]

Watch two movies with this.

[B]

That's gonna hold a lot of Cool Ranch Doritos cereal bowl. Thank you.

[A]

Where'd you get this?

[B]

Vietnam. I know that. That looks like he came in from Africa. Did you buy that at the port?

[A]

If a lemur jumps out of here.

[B]

I'm gonna be really upset. Why does it look so foreign? That's. That's the stuff you see in movie. That's what they pull like nuclear warheads out of. It's stuff.

[A]

You went all the way to Mogadishu to get this? I got it, I got it. Oh, wow, Diesel, that is gorgeous.

[B]

Still not open. That's. You're like my Aunt Patty. Look at this. It's still in the box. Don't be doing that. That's a little. That's a little d. My. My uncle. Start Mike having flashbacks. Easy does it. Uncle Larry's. Uncle Larry's a fan of the program Booby Traps. Uncle Larry just speared the tv. I'm gonna have to buy him a new tv.

[A]

He said claymores around the living room. Diesel, this is goddamn gorgeous.

[B]

Look at that. That's very nice. Can I get hands on that?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, that's heavy. That's a nice Caesar salad bowl. So what I would do is I did it once on a plate, but you put the. You put the anchovies in there, the egg yolk, and you smoosh it up and the garlic, and you do it Nice. And then you put the olive oil and the lemon in there and the Parmesan cheese. Then you put the salad on top.

[B]

Very nice.

[A]

Then you mix it up. What do you mix it up with? My hands.

[B]

What? These are nice. That's rich guy. That's rich mom. Shit. That's what that is. Turns you to a rich lady.

[A]

Low budget. Wolverine, huh? Hey, bub. This is beautiful, huh?

[B]

That's very nice.

[A]

I feel like that Gia. What's her name?

[B]

What's the broad's name from one of your videos?

[A]

It's Dakota Tyler. Okay, double respect.

[B]

Who?

[A]

Bait by Melissa de la Renta.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Parmesan. I'm more of a barefoot contestant. Man, I love that what's her name? Lady in the Hamptons.

[B]

Yeah, you love her.

[A]

You know what I'm talking about. Ina Gartner.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Love her. Just waiting that Jeff out or whatever his name is. And I'm making a move next summer. This is beautiful. Thank you, buddy. Give me a hug. I love you. Ah, it's so sweet.

[B]

I love you, buddy.

[A]

Thank you, pal.

[B]

Merry Christmas to you and your family. And then what do we get for Luki Now?

[A]

Luke had his holiday party not so long ago.

[B]

I did.

[A]

He did. Is that the one that I was invited then uninvited to?

[B]

Indeed.

[A]

Now I believe that he actually could have used this then. Are you returning the plate that you took the brownies home in?

[B]

These? Very nice. Whoa.

[A]

Cheese cotton board or cheese cutting utensils.

[B]

It's. It's wild. I have a very small set of those. Like the little, like baby ones.

[A]

How do you do that?

[B]

I don't know, but they're. They work so well. For what? It's like one of those tools where you're like, wish there was something. And then you had you go, this makes everything easier.

[A]

Diesel, you did great.

[B]

Yeah. The home run.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow. The stone and wood combo.

[A]

Now what's that all about with the stone?

[B]

Very nice. Meat and cheeses.

[A]

No shit.

[B]

Maybe. I don't know. But you're not supposed to put meat on it because the oil stick in there. And then. Wow.

[A]

Yeah. That's very nice.

[B]

The lady's going to love this. Thank you.

[A]

Beautiful.

[B]

There you go. It's great.

[A]

Great job.

[B]

Also, look at Luke's fucking Mr. Roger sweater he's got. Who the fuck does this guy think he is? All of a sudden I get money. It goes to his head.

[A]

What do you want to know? Bombach movie.

[B]

Rat Bastard.

[A]

Nothing on the Noah Bombeck. Cash app.

[B]

Cash app. Cash app.

[A]

Cash App Cash App Cash App Cash App Gang it's the holiday season of finding the perfect gift sometimes can be easy. But you got to be careful. Not every deal is actually what it seems. You got a lot of scammers out there, a lot of grifters, a lot of scumbags trying to rip you off. That's why you use Catch app. So you know it's safe, you know it's secure and everything gets to where it's supposed to go at the right time.

[B]

Yes, scammers are getting more creative trying to trick people into sharing payment info through methods like fake shopping sites and giveaways that are too good to be true. Luckily, Cash Apps 20247 fraud monitoring helps detect and alert you for unusual card activity should someone gain access to your card. And you can act as fast if you something seems off. You can also lock or unlock your Cash App card instantly right in the app for extra control and peace of mind. Stay one step ahead of the scams this season and keep your money secure with Cash App. Baby who don't love Cash App? They got your back. The Cash App card. They got your friggin back. For a limited time only new Cash App customers can use our exclusive code to earn some additional cash. For realsies. Just download the Cash App, use our exclusive referral code, secure 10 in your profile and and send $5 to a friend within 14 days. That's all you got to do and you'll get $10 dropped right into your account. Terms apply. That's money. That's Cash App. Cash App is a financial service platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partner Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank Member FDIC Promotions provided by Cash App a blocking brand. Visit Cash app LegalPodcast for full disclosures.

[A]

Not Back to the Show Back to the Show Kip. Let's talk about Chime.

[B]

Shout out to chime.

[A]

Chime is changing the way people bank feel free and smarter banking built for you. Not like old school banks to charge you overdraft and monthly fees. Built for you. Not the 1 percenters, the regular people that do the living and dying out there. All right. Jime isn't just another bank app. They unlock smarter banking for everybody. For everyday people with the products like my pay giving you access to up to $500 of your check anytime. Getting paid for up to two days early. Look at that with direct deposit. Some old banks still don't do this.

[B]

They're bozos.

[A]

They're jamming you up.

[B]

They're behind the time Do Chime bank free. Plus overdraft coverage you can count on can help build your credit history. Stress free. You get get paid when you say up to $500. Earn up to 3.5% APY on savings. That's eight times higher than traditional banks. Rated five stars by USA Today for customer service. Real Humans 24. 7 We ain't talking robots. I ain't talking no AI. None of that stuff. Chime turns everyday spending into real rewards and progress. Forget overdraft fees, minimum balance fees and monthly fees. Chime is not just smarter banking. It's the most rewarding way to bank. Join the millions who are already banking fee free today. It just takes a few minutes to sign up. Head to chime.comgarbage that's chime.comgarbage Chime is.

[A]

A financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services A secured Chime Visa credit.

[B]

Card and MyPay line of credit provided.

[A]

By the Bancor Bank NA or Stride Bank NA.

[B]

MyPay eligibility requirements apply and credit limit ranges $20 to $500.

[A]

Optional services and products may have fees or charges.

[B]

See chime.com feesinfo advertised annual percentage yield with Chime plus status only.

[A]

Otherwise, 1 point percent APY applies.

[B]

No min balance required. Chime card on time. Payment history may have a positive impact on your credit score.

[A]

Results may vary. See chime.com for details and applicable terms.

[B]

Okay. Great job, Diesel. Yep.

[A]

Let's give these his gifts.

[B]

You go first to collect.

[A]

You want me to go first?

[B]

I just said that. Yeah.

[A]

It's like Mommy and Daddy are gonna be fighting after this. Listen, I know you.

[B]

Look, it was a bad year. You know I love you, right?

[A]

Thanks for everything, huh?

[B]

It's a salad bowl. You keep the tongs up. You're scratching your ass with them. Oh, man. No, listen. For the listener IF only ever offers you a sal with them things. Do not use them. Those. Those two. Those two paws have been in his grundle and under his ball sack. Holy shit.

[A]

Oh, that Plow in the field.

[B]

Holy Shaw, man. That. Those things.

[A]

You. You're a big alien guy. As we both are.

[B]

You like me too, by the way. And we're back.

[A]

You love, you know, astronomy and all that kind of stuff. So I figured next year, skateboard. When you're out there in. Where do you go? Martha's Island? Martha's Vineyards?

[B]

Cape Cod.

[A]

There you go. Cape Cod. That's. That. That's for Cape Cod.

[B]

This is really nice.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Could be spreading, could be.

[B]

Spent a lot of money.

[A]

It's a two out family. Two income family household. There you go.

[B]

A nice rap job, too. Well, yours was. Toys are. Toys R Us.

[A]

Yeah. Macy's.

[B]

They do it in Macy.

[A]

I had a great experience.

[B]

Telescope with tripod.

[A]

Very cool. Now here's the thing. You can't track stars with it, but when you look at the moon in that thing, you can see an alien base or two if they're up there.

[B]

This is very.

[A]

It's. It's. It's good. It's a good one.

[B]

Also, if your neighbors in a shower.

[A]

Misses Trang, forgot to close the blinds.

[B]

Huh? What the hell? Can it.

[A]

He lives in Chinatown. Yeah.

[B]

Very nice.

[A]

This is a great. Tell me, do you have one? No, but I. When I was younger, I had it.

[B]

On like a wish list and I never got one.

[A]

Lady Killer.

[B]

I had one and I kept seeing my eyelashes. Bothered the shit out of.

[A]

What the fuck?

[B]

Holy shit. Could never get locked in on nothing. My dad didn't know how to focus it. I was like, this thing.

[A]

You follow the instructions. I think there's an app that you can go on it with that'll show you, like, where the positions of the stars is. If there's something going on, like Jupiter and retrograde, wherever the fuck it is. But looking at.

[B]

Having a party or something, looking at the moon is.

[A]

It's.

[B]

It's crazy.

[A]

It's crazy.

[B]

The detail, it's all. AI. You can do that on an iPhone. They got fucking knocked for that already.

[A]

I'm really excited to play with this. Yeah.

[B]

Great.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

That's very.

[A]

Welcome, buddy.

[B]

This is awesome. Look. You want to give him his. Yeah.

[A]

Are we allowed to sing Christmas songs on here or we get flagged?

[B]

I don't think you're that good. From Nordstrom.

[A]

Look at that.

[B]

Looks like it's from the ladies department.

[A]

Sexy bear, babe.

[B]

A director of operations. Whoa. Needs to keep. That looks expensive.

[A]

What the. I've been telling you to get a nice watch.

[B]

Is that a Timex?

[A]

That's nice.

[B]

I might have this exact watch.

[A]

Let's see.

[B]

Oh, that's an operator watch. Let's show it to the camera. Look at that. Hit that.

[A]

Good job, Luke.

[B]

That's.

[A]

Thank you, Lou.

[B]

Very classy.

[A]

Me and you, now, we go to dinner. We got nice watches on. Looking like Jenna.

[B]

Luke knows how to buy rich guy shit.

[A]

Of course he does.

[B]

Damn. Yeah, I was also. I was handcuffed to buy my stuff at a hardware store, by the way. So everybody better put. Put their expectations on a curve. And I hope you like Mighty they.

[A]

Also invested 20 grand for you in the next Fyre festival.

[B]

Shout out to Billy Byron. Billy.

[A]

That's beautiful. Even the pillow's nice. That's nice. Put your nuts on that. You're taking a nap. That big old hog on there.

[B]

I had all the customer service people, they were like, I didn't even know this one was here. Found a little bit of a deal. Oh, very nice. Now let's ask. What's that go for? Because we were kind of loosey goosey on a price.

[A]

What is it? A hundred?

[B]

I'll keep the price tag on here. What'd it go for? So Diesel was my most expensive gift. It was a bit of a jam up. I knew he wanted to watch. I'm just curious as what you'll spend without running it by us. Two on. I respect. That's not. We said around 200, if that was the math. That was like that. Let's stay around 102 if it really makes sense. And. And very meaningful.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

I love that. Good for you.

[A]

Thank you so much.

[B]

You're such a cool one. Everything's coming up Diesel. Look at that.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

All right. All right, Diesel. I got you now.

[A]

Give him his wood pellets.

[B]

I hope you like blue shop rags. I got you an air filter guy.

[A]

Ooh, degreaser for that hair of yours.

[B]

You fucking did the dirty it down. Take your bath, will you?

[A]

The dawn wasn't getting it out. You're like a duck in the gulf.

[B]

The reusable shopping tote does not come with it. I will need to wrap my wife's present, so I will need this back. Okay. All right. I ran some ideas by you because you are. Listen, Ryan is a craftsman. You're a woodworker. You're. You have your own workshop. You build stuff. You're an inventor. An artist of some kind. You know.

[A]

Sorry about the gremlins.

[B]

Bit of a bad employee. So I really wanted to make sure that I got you something that was very useful and that you would find. You know what I mean? I think Diesel's making out the best this whole. This day.

[A]

I'm keeping my mouth shut about it.

[B]

So here you go. And there's a little bit of a story behind it. There you go.

[A]

It's broken.

[B]

So. Whoa.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is huge.

[B]

And listen, I'd like to thank the good folks at Home Depot.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because. All right, so get. Take out the tool first.

[A]

I didn't even see the tool.

[B]

Yeah, that's bigger than the one you wanted by the way. This is expensive stuff.

[A]

This is a good Christmas.

[B]

Very good Christmas.

[A]

This is really good.

[B]

Not a dildo. Relax.

[A]

What's that? A sander? We got a jigsaw. Jigsaw.

[B]

Big bolt jigsaw. Dewalt jigsaw, Right? Let's play a game. Me and Foley are naked, chained up. Foley's like, I think there's a cell phone in my ass. There's not. Just trying to get me to go digging. So you wanted a smaller one than that? Hey, I think. Cause they didn't have it.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

You wanted one for 129. I said, that's right. In the price we're looking. And I'm the kind of guy that'll spend money and then throw it in your face.

[A]

That's what I like.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So this one was 249. I said, you know what? Good kid really needs it. You know, I'll do it. Plus, I was in a fucking. You were recording in about 45 minutes. I had. I had to get. So I can't leave empty handed. And I'm a DeWalt man.

[A]

I. You know, you really got the Christmas spirit.

[B]

I'm not gonna get you. I'm not. I'm not gonna get you a ryobi. You know what I mean?

[A]

I could use this tonight.

[B]

There you go. And then check the other bag.

[A]

On Christmas day.

[B]

There you go. Fresh. The double fresh Battery pack.

[A]

The big boys.

[B]

You want. You want to hear something good?

[A]

Does that go with everything? Yes. Really?

[B]

You want to hear something nice, right? So I go, you know what? 249 kids worth it. Okay, I'll do that.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Gentleman helps you. You're in New York, so you can't just be grabbing the stuff. It's all chained up. He goes, I got to take this up to. I'll take this up to. Nice cash register number two for you.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

You can pick it up there I go. Thank you very much. I appreciate your help. Nice guy. I'm walking around looking at other stuff for people. He finds me six aisles over. He goes, hey, can. Do you mind following me? I thought he caught me stealing Foley's president. I said I was gonna pay for that. He follows. So then he takes me over to this, this. This area and he goes, there's a wall of the wall specials they're doing. He goes, we're still running a Black Friday special, right? The tool you have is 249. But these batteries, you buy the batteries for 199.

[A]

You stick them down here.

[B]

Is Crack. If you buy the batteries for 199, you get the tool for free. What? How you doing? Are you kidding me? Where to? God? This guy didn't have to do that. Tracked me down, found me and goes, I'll meet you upstairs in 10 minutes. I go, buddy, you saved fucking Christmas. I'm forever a Home Depot guy.

[A]

Wow. How long do you have to suck his dick for?

[B]

I did that for free Christmas.

[A]

So this was free?

[B]

That was free. Wow. And the thing is, he goes, I need two new batteries. He goes. He goes, I need two new DeWalt batteries. Or the J or that I gave me, first of all. I go, hey, man, what do you need? He sent me direct links to the stuff and then goes, I can pick it up tonight if these are approved. That's what this fucking guy.

[A]

So listen here. You want to thank Dirtball Christmas. You got two new batteries. You take this back, then you're sitting on 250k. I don't. I gotta make the Caesar salad. We go to Tony D's and get.

[B]

Fucking lit one time. Is that the family style? Yeah. I didn't. I didn't necessarily realize that I ordered calamari. They dumped half the fucking Pacific Ocean on me. I said, it's me and two other guys.

[A]

I said, miss, miss, miss. I'm gonna need more marinara, dude.

[B]

To bowl a marinara they gave me was the size of your salad bowl. A small.

[A]

Very nice. This is a huge Christmas. Yes.

[B]

I love you, buddy. Job.

[A]

These are. These are great gifts. Thank you so much. All your work and your wonderful gift is beautiful.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Thank you so much. Very thank you to the fans.

[B]

Oh, there you go.

[A]

Whoever moves into my apartment, they're gonna love.

[B]

Your headphones are on, by the way.

[A]

Thank you, buddy.

[B]

There you go. All right, let's. Let's do Patuki. Luke.

[A]

Get your skinny ass over here, you little brat.

[B]

All right, let me go first on Luki.

[A]

Okay. Good kid. Nice kid. What do you got something after this? Yeah. Are you going out?

[B]

Nice little holiday party.

[A]

You do another one?

[B]

Yeah. You're not.

[A]

Can I go to this?

[B]

Nah. Why? Too cool.

[A]

Come on.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

For fucking sake.

[B]

This is a goddamn mess. All right. I said I'm a little hand. Luke doesn't shop at Home Depot. People of Luke's ilk, have you ever.

[A]

Been to Home Depot Just to get.

[B]

Lights to hire daily. He needed someone to resurface the pool.

[A]

Didn'T want to pay.

[B]

Union scabbard got the rat out in.

[A]

Front of his house.

[B]

So I. I don't know. I don't know what to buy this fucking. Fucking bougie ass rich kid.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

You know what I mean? I think for what they had to offer, this is as luxury as I could get.

[A]

It's not center court, front seat, Knicks tickets.

[B]

No. And I didn't know this existed. And I might have to buy one for myself. That's how I listen. This is one of those gifts. If it works, I think you're gonna use it all the time. It probably doesn't work. You know, whatever.

[A]

It doesn't work.

[B]

No, like, it works, but I just don't think like the. You know, the. It's not super practical for. Okay, whatever.

[A]

Let's see it.

[B]

All right, so it's gonna. The second I move this, it's gonna give it away. But it's a towel warmer. Luxury towel warmer for your bathroom.

[A]

Ah, they do work.

[B]

Do they? I've never seen them.

[A]

That's nice.

[B]

I think this is going to be a big hit. That could be a big hit. Cold. Cold. New York winner.

[A]

Look, there's Luke and the older lady. The older ladies. He's into his nanny.

[B]

He kind of is an older lady. You hear that, Mom? Yeah. There you go. That's not bad, right?

[A]

That's great.

[B]

That's perfect. That's a pretty good swing. That's great. The girl's been freezing at the apartment. Oh, it does everything. It's just a warm. It does bath towels, bathrobes, blankets and.

[A]

Pjs and Hot Pockets.

[B]

Who invented this? Kramer. What are we doing?

[A]

And you can do it all while you're in the shower.

[B]

I love this. Thank you so much. I was literally the only thing in Home Depot that would have even piqued your interest.

[A]

What do you got? Rich kid at home? Yeah, I got a rich kid.

[B]

I have 14. That's where the rich kid stuff is. Just a wallaby. He's probably already got five of them, but, you know. Yeah. There you go. Wow. Thank you. Love it. I love it. Great job. Love it.

[A]

We love you, pal.

[B]

Thank you, boys.

[A]

Of course. Oh, shit.

[B]

We're doing a program here.

[A]

Now. I know. Listen, before you open it, I know you're traveling.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, so it's. I got small ones if you want to take them with you and do them. See if something open on Christmas Eve.

[B]

Let's go.

[A]

That's the Lego F1 series. And I couldn't just get you one because how do you play with them? So you got 1, 2, and 3 there.

[B]

Thank. Very cool.

[A]

And I didn't know the Teams. You know what I mean? But I know you're like, who's the kid that you like?

[B]

The other thing that I got you, The Mercedes team. But we got. I mean, I love Max. We got Max. We got Verstappen. We got Fernando.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We got Pierre Gasly.

[A]

Yeah. Are they all on the same team?

[B]

No, they're all different teams.

[A]

Perfect. So you can race them.

[B]

Exactly. Yeah. Because if they were on the same team, they couldn't race, obviously, Due to federal restrictions. I love it. Very. Needed some Legos and. Yeah. This is a great.

[A]

Love you, kid.

[B]

Love you, brother. Good shit. Love you guys. Great job. Another good year in the book.

[A]

Do me a favor. Clean some of this shit upstairs. Disappear for the rest of the day.

[B]

No smoking weed now. Yeah, I can smell it.

[A]

Cody's putting out dinner at five. Don't be late. And you're not going out tonight.

[B]

Now you give yours. I forgot. I get more gifts.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Ain't done.

[A]

Luke didn't give us anything. Where you going? You're moving the chair. Oh, what'd you get us?

[B]

Where were you from? Nordstrom. Listen. That's right. I liked it. Listen. Best gift you could have got me. I'm gonna spoil it.

[A]

Lingerie.

[B]

Something I can give my wife. Cause I didn't buy her shit yet.

[A]

You got her DeWalt.

[B]

Babe, it's just what you wanted, a.

[A]

Miter saw for all that mitering you're doing.

[B]

All right, we'll do Foley first. Why are you kneeling?

[A]

Why don't you take the CH Chair?

[B]

I don't know. I like it, though.

[A]

Okay. Thank you, buddy. Beautiful wrapping. Nordstrom. Very nice. Probably not gonna fit.

[B]

That's why I got this one. Oh, and Uggs scarf. A very nice butterscotch scarf. Wow. Bringing back actor Foley. Look.

[A]

Perfect time. I know.

[B]

Very nice.

[A]

Impossible to deal with Diesel. My sunglasses. And something for my throat semen. This is beautiful.

[B]

Very nice. You like it?

[A]

I love it. Yeah. I know somebody that has one of these, and I admire her style very much.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Sydney Sweeney.

[B]

Working style. Now you got a way to.

[A]

Now you got a little way to get in.

[B]

There you go. That's how I.

[A]

Line.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Line. Looks like you're. It looks like you've been in a car accident. But I'd go. I'd go.

[A]

Well, your Honor, I was at a Christmas party with my friends.

[B]

It's a tough color.

[A]

It's a beautiful thing.

[B]

I'm saying. A tough color. It looks like a neck brace. Yes. Very nice, Lucas.

[A]

Beautiful.

[B]

And then for the man, who has it all? I got headaches. What do you got? I got back taxes.

[A]

Am I in there? That's beautiful. Thanks, buddy.

[B]

Of course. Love you. Okay, now, a guy, he likes to unwind.

[A]

He does like to unwind.

[B]

He likes to unwind. Ryan looks over do like that usually.

[A]

Takes about six weeks to do it. Means you're wound up tight and you're an.

[B]

What the. We're having a nice Christmas. He's got a self sabotage. You know what I mean?

[A]

I push people away because I was abandoned as a child.

[B]

Supply to get abandoned as an adult. Sounds like what he says. You're about to get abandoned as an adult.

[A]

About to get a Red Baron.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

Oh, pizza in here.

[B]

Cause we're all walking. Close your eyes. Exhale.

[A]

Feel your body relax.

[B]

And let go of whatever you're carrying today. Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-contacts. Oh, my gosh. They're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw.

[A]

The discount they gave me on my first order.

[B]

Oh, sorry. I. Namaste. Visit 1-800-contacts.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-contacts. @ ikea. Your dreams can come true. Well, maybe not the ones where you're being chased by a monster. We're talking about kitchen dreams. And there are IKEA products and solutions for all of them. Whether it's a whole new kitchen, a statement glassware set, or just new cutlery. If you got big dreams or small dreams in any size of budget.

[A]

IKEA can help you bring them to.

[B]

Life. Visit IKEA US DreamKitchen to learn more dream the possibilities. There's a bit of a kit.

[A]

Here.

[B]

Okay. Few. A few different. What? I like a.

[A]

Project. There we.

[B]

Go. Is there an order? I should be opening these? Nah, just go for it. Very.

[A]

Nice. Hope it's bath salts to chill you.

[B]

Out. Okay. It is a bath sock. A bat's awesome Thorium. Whole little bath kit in there. As you know, I like a tubby time. Very nice.

[A]

Smells. That's awesome. Good job.

[B]

Luke. This is great. Lucas, you didn't do this today, did you? About 11. Because I was getting the alerts that he was taking an Uber on the company account. So I knew when he was getting picked. I took one there. You didn't need to take one there. They could have taken a subway and then taking one home, but he took one.

[A]

Air. It's the.

[B]

Holidays. I went. I Literally saw it. I went, oh, cuz I get a text. Oh, you better believe.

[A]

I'm. I don't like that, by the.

[B]

Way.

[A]

What? You get a text when I'm doing my business out.

[B]

There? I didn't get a. Oh, man. Smells like hot guy. It does. Smells like. Smells like a uber black Brad.

[A]

Pitt's. Is that a.

[B]

Lot? It's not a little. Yeah, it's all like, kind of different stuff. You got the snooze bomb. Call that? Hey, fully set. I just, I just play some, I play some of the dailies and I take a.

[A]

Nap. Some of the tooties that didn't.

[B]

Work. The body sewn scent discovery set, lotion bar trio. I used my, I used my last piece of soap today. That's pretty.

[A]

Good. Really? Did you flush it down the.

[B]

Toilet? No, it literally, like it disappeared in my hand. It might be in my taint. I don't know. Let me get, let me get those serving.

[A]

Claws. I've done that.

[B]

Before. Very nice. That's lovely, buddy. I got one more in here. Yeah, that's great. Oak essentials, the perfecting body.

[A]

Scrub.

[B]

Oh. Oh, buddy. Tonight's going to be a good night. He's putting a baby in the, in the wife to bed, getting a garage, beer, taking care of.

[A]

Myself. Little me.

[B]

Time. Thank you very.

[A]

Much. That's great, Luke. Great job, pal. We love you.

[B]

Boys. Love you.

[A]

Buddy. Give me a hug. Come.

[B]

Here. Give me a hug. Come.

[A]

Here. My, My stepson. You need some money for.

[B]

School? Can I have some money for school? Coming to see it. Oh, look at that. Okay, listen. Best Christmas.

[A]

Yet. Now who's.

[B]

Left? Me and you.

[A]

Right? I got two for.

[B]

You. Technically, I, I, I pulled the H. Foley. I went up to you. I got three for him, you.

[A]

Know. Thank.

[B]

You. The one's still in the other room. I hope you can drive.

[A]

Stick. 1983 Chevy.

[B]

Spectrum. Needs a little body.

[A]

Work. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. You want to go.

[A]

First? I'll go first. This one is for the little bambino, the little kiperino. This is from all of us. This is from, from me and the boys. Just a little Christmas present. I think I got the sizes. I got it at.

[B]

DXL. How long you been writing that.

[A]

One? About 25.

[B]

Minutes. Very.

[A]

Nice. All right. I have the receipt, too. Just in case the, the one thing. Oh, yeah, throat slitter. Just in case the one thing doesn't.

[B]

Fit.

[A]

Okay. I do want a picture with him in the outfit at a certain point. Whenever he gets into.

[B]

It. He doesn't. He's not Doing pictures at the moment. No, no press on their.

[A]

Radar. Gotta keep it fly over.

[B]

There. Very.

[A]

Nice. Now that's for a one year.

[B]

Old.

[A]

Whoa. So I figure you got 35 minutes. He'll get into.

[B]

It. 12 months. That should.

[A]

Work. Yeah. They might be a little long. Little pants, huh? Now what do you wear that.

[B]

With? Set of.

[A]

Timbos. That set of.

[B]

Timbos. Nice. A nice fresh set of butters.

[A]

Yeah. I was looking for sunglasses, but I couldn't find.

[B]

Them. Look at.

[A]

That. Now there are fives. His foot's not that big.

[B]

Right? No, I don't think he's in shoes.

[A]

Yet. Is. How big is his.

[B]

Feet? About 13. What's Shaq? No, that's.

[A]

Crazy. Shoes. Yeah, his foot's not that big, so you may have to save them for a.

[B]

Year. They're gonna. They're gonna have to. I don't think. I don't know. But he's.

[A]

There. I just couldn't tell. I didn't want to get him six month old.

[B]

Shoes. No, I don't.

[A]

Know. Yeah, like, you know, like his shoes for.

[B]

Six. Well, he's not working yet, so he doesn't have to wear shoes that much. You know what I mean? No, that's awesome. Thank you very.

[A]

Much. Of.

[B]

Course. It's very sweet. Oh, it's great. Fresh.

[A]

Beer.

[B]

Yeah. Looking like he's selling dime bags in academy.

[A]

Road. Pull one of the pant legs.

[B]

Up. Yeah, that's Big J. That's a big J outfit if I've ever seen.

[A]

One. And then listen. We drive you crazy sometimes. You can't. I drive you crazy sometimes you can't take your frustration out on me the way you would like to. Well.

[B]

This. I feel like I do a pretty good job of.

[A]

It. This is a non lethal way. You can take it out on me. What do you get the boss? This is what you get.

[B]

Them. A Nerf gun. So she's gonna end in a fist fight. Merry Christmas. That's.

[A]

Sick. You got three styles. A.48 round clip, motorized.

[B]

Automatic. A little fucking nickel. You respect me. I'm gonna start. Fuck you. Everybody better tow the.

[A]

Line. You can put it by your desk in case the Uber eats guy acts.

[B]

Up. Look at that.

[A]

Huh? Look at.

[B]

That. That's heavy artillery. That's bigger than anything I ever had. Assault commander, customize your ultimate blaster. Look at that. Yeah, you do a handgun free motorized auto firing. Do you get permits for that? I don't have to blur that. This is a joke. This is. This is all. This is a psf. You're gonna fucking purchase. That's great. Yeah. That's sick. The only toy I really liked were.

[A]

Guns. Yeah, of.

[B]

Course. You know what I.

[A]

Mean? I.

[B]

Know. That's great. Very.

[A]

Cool. I thought I got everybody's personality on this.

[B]

Round. Killed it. Very.

[A]

Nice. Diesel. Creepo. Luke likes the F1. European. I'm an indie man myself. Shout out to the 500mm and you.

[B]

Know, I got you two.

[A]

Gifts.

[B]

Please. One's a little. Not a good. Not gimmicky, but you know, a little cutesy.

[A]

Wootsy. I love cutesy.

[B]

Wootsy. You know you love getting cozy, right? You're a cozy guy. I love the changing of the seasons. It's cozy. I love it. Cozy.

[A]

Season. Yeah, it's.

[B]

Cozy. You know what I mean? Mean, you have some cold long nights, you know, ahead of me in general. A lot of people do. That's all I'm saying. You know what I mean? I got you a.

[A]

Heated.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Blanket. Look at.

[B]

That.

[A]

Whoa. That's.

[B]

Beautiful. Just something to cozy up by.

[A]

Your. Look at that handy heater when.

[B]

You'Re sleeping on a park bench or.

[A]

Something. Folks, you all alone this Christmas.

[B]

Season. And a 200 foot extension cord so you can steal power from a nearby.

[A]

Deli. I gotta warm this thing up. That Starbucks closes at 9. That's beautiful, Kippy. Thank.

[B]

You. That's just a cutesy wootsy. Look at this nice little funsy.

[A]

Onesie. Look at all.

[B]

This. And then this was the real. And listen, this is a little more practical for all of our day to day.

[A]

Life.

[B]

Okay? But I wanted to get you something you actually use. A lot of times we buy these gifts and. Just practical, whatever. You know what I.

[A]

Mean?

[B]

Okay. I got you.

[A]

This. Did you go to somewhere.

[B]

Else? No, I just stole your bag that you bought at.

[A]

Macy's. What we got here? What the. No.

[B]

Way. What the Dildo set? Cold brew.

[A]

Maker. A cold brew.

[B]

Maker. You like your little small cold.

[A]

Brew? I do. I like my CBs. I like to call it that. Cold foam too. This is.

[B]

Beautiful. So I figured if we have it here, you don't have to do the hot. Call that because you spend a lot of time.

[A]

Here. Yes, I.

[B]

Do. So it just, you.

[A]

Know. More now than.

[B]

Ever. Sure. Cozy up with a heated blanket and a nice cold brewed.

[A]

Override. And a little.

[B]

Tubie. Yeah, I thought it'd be nice for.

[A]

You. Home run, kid. Home.

[B]

Run. There you.

[A]

Go. That's.

[B]

Beautiful. Got the 42 ounce removable.

[A]

Reservoir. That's.

[B]

Great. Tip. That's rico. I never got that reservoir tip. My whole wiener fit in.

[A]

There? No, that's where.

[B]

The. I got you. All right. Hey, the cold foam goes. There you.

[A]

Go. Beautiful. Thank.

[B]

You. Very nice. Happy Merry Christmas. Merry freaking Christmas. I think everybody got it. I mean, I was. That might have.

[A]

Been. That's the best year.

[B]

Ever. That's the best year ever. That's a pretty good theme for us is everybody pick a store that's fun because then you really. You're like kind of pinned down to make the decision. You know what I mean? In a good.

[A]

Way. Very.

[B]

Nice. Very nice. But being our Christmas spectacular, of course, we have to get to some ayg friggin question, gang. As you know, when you join the Patreon, we will answer your garbage question or tell your garbage holiday story. On the. Yes, I got a couple of good.

[A]

Ones. Makes a great.

[B]

Gift. Makes a great. It does. You can now gift a little too late. Listen, also you might. It's Christmas Day. You're jam the fuck up if you don't have a present Patreon.

[A]

Membership.

[B]

Sure. Out the door. All right, let's see here. All right, let's start off with a little bit of. A little bit of a Christmas story here. I love it. This one's from JB. $10 listener, sort of new. I left the east coast for all the standard garbage reasons, mainly heroin. I moved to Montana and reset. Very good. Fast forward. Many years later, I started an H VAC company and met a woman who has kids. Times were tough in the beginning as it was six years of struggling to keep my head above water. You could say I was jammed up. One especially bad Christmas, I had a client who would just not pay on time. It's commercial work and there's a lot. There's not a lot you can do if they don't give you the.

[A]

Draw.

[B]

Right? Which I know. My family deals with that still to this day. You invoice, they go, I'll see you in 90 days. Well, I needed the money to pay for Christmas, but we weren't getting paid for our November draw. Me and her. Me and her could wait. But these. These were young kids. We had to have something for them to open. I had credit at one of my supply houses still. So you can guess what we got the kids. Or maybe not. We got them lumber and we printed out skateboard ramp designs. I even got an outdoor. I even got them outdoor rated screws. I don't think it was their favorite Christmas. Worst part is we never built the ranch. I love that. If that's not a dirt bag going, I gotta get you something. Putting it on the business account. I would never have thought of that. That's what being a fucking dirtbag on Christmas is all.

[A]

About. I would have been pumped as a kid, right? He never got.

[B]

Billboard. Listen, everybody kind of knows you get a half pipe, fucking schematics, you probably ain't happening. But.

[A]

What. What's how you get.

[B]

Hurt? Talk about keeping the plate spinning. Yeah, I fucking love.

[A]

That. Beautiful. Shout out to.

[B]

You. That's fucking.

[A]

Great. And shout out to you if.

[B]

You'Re kicking the H. Yeah, there you go. And starting your own.

[A]

Company. I tried to score out there in.

[B]

Montana. Talk about dry. That's amazing. What a fucking. Also, those kids, I mean, probably wasn't their.

[A]

Favorite. They'll remember it.

[B]

Forever. Remember forever. And when they realize that, oh, yeah, what you did as like they get older and they have kids, you.

[A]

Can throw it in their face, you rat.

[B]

Bastards. I'm not even your real dad. I got that a couple of times. What'd your real dad get you? What? All right, let's see. This was from Schmoogley. Great name. Every Christmas Eve, my family meets up in the afternoon and just drinks till the kids start yelling about Santa. The last three to four years, a bunch of adults have been hitting the casino after shout out to parks. Oh, my God. Shout out to.

[A]

Parks. Shout out to.

[B]

Parks. I mean, that is a thing, because as you get older, I mean, you've experienced it a little longer, but, like, when it stops being about you and your brother, I mean, you probably hated.

[A]

It.

[B]

Yeah. And it's.

[A]

About. I'm over it now. But for a while, like, from like 30 to 48, it was like, what the.

[B]

Fuck? Maybe.

[A]

Today. But shout out to Patty. She would always get me a little toy if it was like something like that Star the TIE Fighter. I gotta have something to play.

[B]

With. But.

[A]

Why? Because I'm.

[B]

Up.

[A]

Okay. I gotta have something, huh? Especially if I laid it out nice for.

[B]

Everybody.

[A]

Yeah. Come at me with some.

[B]

Magnet. Some kind of spill you got.

[A]

Going on cup soda, I don't care what, roses. And then when I got too old for that, she started getting me those Hallmark ornaments. But she would get me like a Star wars one where it's a spaceship. And if you unscrew that thing that hooks onto the fishing line, you got a toy and some of them light up. She gave me a Star Trek Enterprise that lights up all over. It's like the real thing. You flip. I can, you know, warp speed. That A little.

[B]

Bit. You hear that? Other jealous 50 year olds, you too can deconstruct Christmas ornaments and make your own.

[A]

Toys. I got to do some while waiting for the Captain Chucky's to get brought.

[B]

Out. Fair.

[A]

Enough. Shrimp.

[B]

Cocktail. There is a handful of years before my brother had kids and he wasn't in a super serious relationship or whatever, where me and him were rolling as.

[A]

Adults.

[B]

Sucks. That was the best. What do you.

[A]

Think? You thought.

[B]

So? I mean, Yeah. I also didn't want to still be a kid. So we had a bit of a different outlook on things. No, we were in our. I was probably 20, he's 25. Whatever. And we just, you know, we party. Hopped a little bit. A couple beers here, then we go to Aunt Kate's and we go pop over there. Then he's going to meet our boy Nikki and I, I'm going to go meet Pat. Whatever. It was just like that's when.

[A]

You kind of don't really give a fuck and you're like, give me some.

[B]

Cash. Yeah, yeah, I'm with you. I'm still like that. I mean, this was. This Christmas aside, you know, I got something done. I forgot I had a.

[A]

Kid. Well, let me tell you this. What else? What also supplements the not getting toys anymore is when the kid. When my niece and nephew were little, I could get toys for them. Especially the.

[B]

Kid. The kid.

[A]

Sure. Cuz I, you know, he was in Legos and Star wars and all that shit. So I get all that shit for them and then we play with it.

[B]

Together. Mm. We're currently at the point now where it's like not about. It used to be about the super. About the kids and now it's like let. Not. Not to say that it's not about. It's more about like all of us as a family because the kids are a little.

[A]

Grown.

[B]

Yeah. You know what I mean? So it's like not as. It's not as magical and stuff like that. It's more like we've done this a bunch and now, now it's more fun as a family as a whole, which we've never. Like I said, we play those games and stuff like that and everybody has a good time. Rather than being like super focused on the kids, which is very fun this year. I didn't tell you they're trying to do the Grinch. Nobody dress up as the.

[A]

Grinch. That's the trashiest. That's got scars.

[B]

Kids. My brother said, because they're like, oh, Kevin and Danny are the Grinch brothers. I'LL go full movie level and scare the out of every. I will ruin this. You call me. You think I'm a bad time. You want to. I'll call your.

[A]

Bluff. Your ass is on.

[B]

Fire. Yeah, just show up. You look out, Your cars are torched. Me and him are out front.

[A]

Smoking. You're doing that. He's doing that.

[B]

Dance, which I'm like, that's not.

[A]

Fun. That scares the fu. I mean, listen, that is a dirtball move and I respect it. The worst. The worse the costume is, the better. One time was just a guy in a green hoodie running.

[B]

In. It looks like you're fucking robbing a place. You got your hand in a brown paper.

[A]

Bag. I see one when a guy comes in and beats up Santa, you know, it's like, you know, they're. They're doing. They're all. They're all in on the.

[B]

Bitch. I know. I know how showbiz works. You don't have to tell me.

[A]

Guy. Yeah, man, the kids freak out. You would have done that in the 90s, that one. You would have caught a fucking.

[B]

Zima bottle that I.

[A]

Had. Try steal my G.I.

[B]

Joe. I'm gonna. Hopped up on Mike's Hard. Dude, try that. There's that one coming in your.

[A]

Legs, going out on your.

[B]

Back. Grinch sneaks around the tree outside.

[A]

And. Oh.

[B]

Yeah. Ruins, dude. Just ruins Christmas for the neighborhood. Those kids lose their just. What are you doing? You're trying too.

[A]

Hard. So fucked.

[B]

Up. I kind of like it. What's the deal with the.

[A]

Grinch? They didn't do that at your house, did they.

[B]

Luke? They did.

[A]

Not. Yeah, you'd probably sue them. I'm calling my.

[B]

Lawyer. Get left, right, center, and that's it. Another big thing left. The games are big, and I love.

[A]

That. Yeah, it's.

[B]

Fun. Made. It's made it like. That's what I'm saying. Like.

[A]

It'S. It's communal.

[B]

Yeah. It's like. It's just. Which I love doing. Yeah. All right, let's see here. This is a great one. This is from Andy Capps. Hot fries. Shout out to you. $10. Figgy pudding here. Great. Never had one red. I got my mom a $3 VCR for Christmas this year so she can watch old home.

[A]

Movies. That's.

[B]

Great. Trashy or classy? That's the sweetest thing I've ever.

[A]

Heard. It's the sentiment. You know, it's trash, but it's sweet as a.

[B]

Pie. I don't know.

[A]

Man. It's not classy. Bought a $3.

[B]

VCR. I mean, if I'm sure. I'm. So they're not selling 100 vcrs.

[A]

Anymore. I get you.

[B]

One. Go down to Home.

[A]

Depot.

[B]

Yeah. That's just what a VCR goes.

[A]

For. That's.

[B]

Adorable. You're giving her the gift of Christmas.

[A]

Pass.

[B]

Yeah. You're doing. Or she sees it and be like, times ain't as nice as I remember. You know what I mean? Looking back with rose colored glasses.

[A]

On a Grinch in black and white. Nothing on.

[B]

It. I didn't. I was thinking more like the dad hooking up. You know? I don't know.

[A]

Something. I'm with.

[B]

You. You went. You went Grinch. I went.

[A]

More.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Trashy. I'm doing.

[B]

Callback. I got.

[A]

You. No show.

[B]

Business. You better have the cables with that VCR machine. That's going.

[A]

To. You got to wait till the store's open on.

[B]

Tuesday. Fucking jammed up.

[A]

Man. Get a good cry.

[B]

In. This is a perfect. This is what the holidays are about. This is from Brook T. This is the first year. Oh. The first year my husband and I had Christmas dinner at our house, which is always big. You're trying to set the new.

[A]

Tradition.

[B]

Yeah. Because that happens. We were talking to me and my.

[A]

Wife. Shifts are tough. We're in one right.

[B]

Now. Everybody. We're kind of in one as well. Where like my. We just did the last Thanksgiving in my mom's house. She's moving. You know. We don't. We no longer go. Like my brother goes to his in like. We're just all kind of nomadic a little bit for the dust to really settle. And we're figuring that out. So there. This. This family's. This couple's trying to do it. This is the first year my husband and I had Christmas dinner at our house. We invited both of our families. Dun, dun, dun. His semi estranged mother and dirtbag brother hadn't spoken to each other in 18 years. Holy shit. That's the first mistake. You don't invite. You invite one of them and probably the mom because that's. You said semi.

[A]

Estranged. You bring that to neutral turf. You meet at a parking lot or something. Let them talk it.

[B]

Out. Yeah. No. What? Make sure no one's carrying weapons over a Dunkin.

[A]

Donut. You have a coffee and then you just come to the.

[B]

House. That's. That's coffee and a couple of.

[A]

Heaters.

[B]

Sure. Leaning on a car. Walking around the.

[A]

Car. Not looking at each other for a couple of minutes. You know, Then you're.

[B]

Crying. By the end, they were both in the house together all Christmas and never said a word to each other. The brother ate dinner in the basement so he didn't have to sit with the rest of the family. And he hotboxed our basement bathroom without asking. We only invite my family over for Christmas. Now, you got to learn the hard way. You got to learn the hard.

[A]

Way. What's wrong with that, son? How old was.

[B]

He? I mean, 18.

[A]

Years. He's got to be over 18. You go downstairs, you got to.

[B]

Figure he stopped talking to her at 18, so he's in his.

[A]

30S. Jesus. That's.

[B]

Crazy. You stopped talking to her too. No. One estranged from their.

[A]

Mama. Dude, I wouldn't do that. Because how are you going to get seconds? You're going to go up the fucking stairs and walk by.

[B]

Everybody. I don't think he.

[A]

Cares. I take two plates down there. That's what I.

[B]

Do. Let's see. This one's just cute. This is from Dirt Head. Hey, gang. Love all. Happy Holidays. Is it garbage to try and trap Santa? As a kid, I remember setting up trip wires and hidden cameras to try to catch them slipping. I live in Fairbanks, Alaska, which is right next to the North Pole. So I figured I had a pretty good shot to get him at my place. I could stop him and his elk dead in their tracks. Get him early in the night or late, maybe that's the last stop, you know what I mean? He's tired, you know. You fucking catch him.

[A]

Slipping. I ended up killing my uncle.

[B]

Either. Listen, if I lived up there, you got. I mean, you got to think you can get them. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's just by proximity, sure, he's got.

[A]

It. You know, you're in a neighborhood, probably like seven in the morning by then. He's exhausted, you know. I mean, he's got those two, three wines in him, all fucking full.

[B]

On cookies and milk and shit. Heartburn's probably bumping phoning it in. That's how you get.

[A]

Them. Yeah, catch him.

[B]

Slipping. Have you ever done.

[A]

That?

[B]

What? Me and my cousins, one time we tied fishing line from the coffee table, like into the couch. Got my uncle. Good, because I'm trying to catch the Easter Bunny. I chipped my tooth, he's all.

[A]

Pissed. You little.

[B]

Bastard. Like six. I'll kill you. Yeah.

[A]

Dude. I don't got dental at work, you bastard. He tripped. Yeah, dude. You're lucky you didn't kill.

[B]

Him. I.

[A]

Know. You catch the corner of a coffee table, you're.

[B]

Bye. Bye. Yeah, that's tough. Also now as that Uncle. If you're like, I got nieces and nephews that are six, I'd be. I know how that fall feels right.

[A]

Now. That's fucking funny. Oh, my.

[B]

God. Everyone's got your brother and shirt kind of laughing at you. That's embarrassing. Shit.

[A]

Dude. One time. One time. This was in the summer, my dog. I thought raw chicken was poisonous to dogs. And I was bringing out a thing of cutlets, throw them on the grill like a chicken breast. Put on the grill on Christmas. No, that was in the.

[B]

Summer. Do the fuck. Real chicken breast on Christmas. I was like, God damn, guys, are his backwards out there. I mean, these love.

[A]

Cutlets. I bet they're doing brisket like a. But I had a plate of raw chicken, and everybody was in that sunroom in the heater room, okay. And people are hanging out in there in the.

[B]

Summer. Got gas masks.

[A]

On. Summer. It's all.

[B]

Open. That's Heatertown, USA right.

[A]

Now. It's heater.

[B]

Town. To walk out there, that. That cold.

[A]

Dank Patty just standing there with this look on her face and her robe.

[B]

Just. Yeah, that was the show.

[A]

Brutal. But in the summer, it's nice and it gets all aired out anyway. That's not what we're talking about here. Everybody's sitting around. Yeah, okay. I got my bathing suit on. I had my dad bathing suit on. It didn't really fit, and my ass was kind of sticking out. So the dog bites this chicken breast, and he's got in his mouth and won't let it go. So I'm like, fuck, it's great. And I'm trying to get out of his mouth. My brother takes his finger, tries to be a smart guy, and shoves it in your ass. Sticks it down my butt crack a little bit and gives me a.

[B]

Little. Oh.

[A]

Really? Yeah. So I fucking freaked out on him. I'm like, the goddamn dog can fucking die, you asshole. Everybody looked at me like I was.

[B]

Nuts. You think I'm the one that's wound tight? It's crazy. How do you think I'm the angry one?

[A]

What? I didn't have bass. Yeah, I don't like that either. Slap the shit out of you. You'd have done that to my Uncle Joe or Uncle Mike and my dad. Oh, you would have caught a dress shoe in your.

[B]

Ass. That's what you up. That's why I made you a little butt plug, boy. Stop spilling the.

[A]

Joy. I'm not. Oh, it's just club soda. I don't care what it.

[B]

Is. This is odd to have A conversation with a guy who's just in an earthquake all of a sudden. Loose wrist. Loose wrist. Lucy over here like I'm Dean Martin. Yeah. What the hell.

[A]

Folks? I wasn't supposed to be here, but I slipped on an ice cube and.

[B]

Fell. You need a screw top on your scene. You get younger. You want a little kipperino? Sippy cups. All right, let's see. This one's up for debate. And I can go either way on this, depending on your budget. This is from Tuddy's Tight leather pants. Great name. $10 Heater. Heater Dealer. Never had one. Red. Got a holiday conundrum for the boys. Please say you're a part of a Secret Santa and there's a $50 minimum on the.

[A]

Gift.

[B]

Okay. Right. Which you never hear minimum, which I kind. If it's a good.

[A]

Circle. 50 or.

[B]

Minimum. I kind of like that. I like the maximum for, like, work people. But if it's like. If everyone's loved ones a minimum is nice of like, give them that extra because they're such a dirt. There's such a nice difference between the 20 and the 50. You can get something intentional for.

[A]

50. If an office thing does the 50 max, you always go.

[B]

100. Yeah.

[A]

You. Because you look at. You know what I mean? Especially trying to make out in.

[B]

The office, which I did one year.

[A]

Bad. You.

[B]

Did? I never told you that, did I? It's so.

[A]

Embarrassing. You hooked up with someone in the.

[B]

Office. The holiday Christmas.

[A]

Party. Oh, you did. Tell me about this. Her mom worked there.

[B]

Too. Her dad was the owner of.

[A]

The place and her mom worked at the place you worked.

[B]

At. I mean, I forgot about that. I didn't. I don't. No, no. That was. Okay, two different.

[A]

Stories. That was an Easter party. That was my.

[B]

Cousin. Shout out to Debbie. You're a great girl. I forgot about.

[A]

That. You did, huh? Wow. Were you making out there at the.

[B]

Party? What are you talking.

[A]

About? Were you doing it at the Christmas.

[B]

Party? I'll make out you right now.

[A]

At your pigs in the blanket.

[B]

Breath. Yeah. No, well, the one. The one that you're referencing. No, the one. The story I was telling you, it was like. We were all out. We all went to, like a hat. Like a roving happy hour bar to bar, like 50 of us. They had it set up and man, it was Brutes.

[A]

Mcgoots. Probably enough toothpicks in your pocket to reforest the.

[B]

Amazon. And I did have a blazer on of some.

[A]

Kind. And.

[B]

Nice. The worst part is it was a Thursday night So we had to go into work on Friday, which.

[A]

Was. Nobody can call out.

[B]

Either. Oh, dude, it was so embarrassing. Hey. Yeah, there's this.

[A]

Law. Sorry I started.

[B]

Crying. Don't know. It doesn't happen to me. Dude. We walked right through. There's a long hallway, and we. You know, it's just me and her, and we had a walk all. And just like you.

[A]

Say.

[B]

Yeah. I think she looked down. Rightfully.

[A]

So.

[B]

Ouch. Wasn't my.

[A]

Best. Is this when you were at your.

[B]

Plumpest? I was at my bigger. Yeah, this is Raven Lounge years. This is when I was eating from that food truck and that girl wanted to date me. The Estonian girl that worked the. The daughter that worked the food.

[A]

Truck. Oh.

[B]

Man. A bit of a ladies man. Listen.

[A]

My. You want to date my daughter? Nah. Just give me the cinnamon raisin with the extra cream cheese today. Slice of.

[B]

Bacon. I was doing those kielbasa sandwiches for lunch. Imagine watching a.

[A]

Guy. Extra roll.

[B]

Please. Imagine watching a guy eat kielbasa every day and smoke heaters. I used to stay in 10ft away. I'd eat. I'd eat standing.

[A]

Up. The other customer. Hey, can you give us a break with that? I got soup.

[B]

Here. I'd eat standing up. And crank eaters. I eat kielbasa multiple days a week. It was five bucks or something. Or it was between Italian sausage and the kielbasa, and I got on the kebab. I was never a big fan of kabasa, but they ran out of.

[A]

Sausages. Kabasa is.

[B]

Great. I ate them out of sausage one week. So they had to pivot over to the. To the.

[A]

Bossy. All we got is tofu dogs. All.

[B]

Right. Yeah. Imagine seeing like that and then hit and asking me out on a.

[A]

Date. When you blister kielbasa, when you cook it at high heat, it gets a snap on it like you wouldn't.

[B]

Believe. Great.

[A]

Snap. That water will burn you, though, inside that juice. That's a lot of.

[B]

Juice. I used to feel I would get that juice on me and I would smell it hours later. I get. I'd smell it hours later working and be like, I. I smell like a Polish meat.

[A]

Factory. Yeah. The only problem with that is every once in a while, you get the tooth in there, you know, like.

[B]

The little white chunk cartilage or something. Something got to be ran rerun through the.

[A]

Grinder. It looks like baby.

[B]

Teeth. All right, we gotta switch gear. We'll do another kielbasa stories on a later date. Let's see. You say you're A part of the Secret Santa. And there's a $50 minimum on the gift. Now, what if you find something that's over 50 bucks but was on sale making it 30? Is it trashy to count that as hitting the set minimum or is the classy move not counting as hitting the minimum and buying a second smaller.

[A]

Gift? No, don't buy a second smaller. If you've done your job any. That ain't your fault. What? You know what that retailer decides to put on sale or not sale, original retail.

[B]

Price.

[A]

Okay. Sales don't.

[B]

Count. I gotta. I mean, listen, in.

[A]

The. What are you.

[B]

Doing? Let's look at my phone. You think you get.

[A]

Nervous? Somebody call for.

[B]

Me? Yeah, that's what you think it is. Whose is that? Is it about.

[A]

Me? Make sure no one's.

[B]

Coming. I think there's a thing where. Listen, if you don't really like the person, sure, go fucking. But if you're in the holiday gift given season, get him a second gift. I would say that's what I would.

[A]

Say. This is.

[B]

Office. This. No, I mean it says the minimum 50. So I'm assuming it's a little more, you know, of loved ones of some kind or a little thicker connection. I would say do it, but that's just me. Yeah, I get either way though. For sure. Definitely.

[A]

Scumbag. Them sure lights just go off and come on.

[B]

Again? I don't think so. What, are you having a.

[A]

Stroke? I might.

[B]

Be. What the.

[A]

Fuck? That's bubbling. Yeah, you guys see that.

[B]

Right? They're old school lights, baby. We get a lot of comments on the old school.

[A]

Lights. Brian D. Found them on ebay. This one's not working. Well, look at that. You warm.

[B]

This? Do you work here? Yeah, we use.

[A]

Here. Oh, these aren't new?

[B]

No. All right, let it go back here. Doing a.

[A]

Show. Give it a blue.

[B]

Chew. All right, let's see. This one's from heaven. $10, homie. Never have one red. My sister got so drunk on Christmas Eve a few years ago that she took out her partial tooth denture to eat and she misplaced it the rest of the night. She was convinced she swallowed it to the point of hysterically crying and wanting to go to the hospital. Nobody knew where it was. And my mom ripped apart at the house and even the garbage. Christmas morning, my older sister found it in the fridge in a bag of lunch meat. I guess my sister forgot she put it in there when she was making a sandwich. In fact, this was my husband's first Christmas with my.

[A]

Family. Dude, lunch Meat on Christmas is no.

[B]

Good. That's what. Dude, let's run this. We'll run this series of events. Lunch meat on Christmas, then lunch meat Christmas morning. Because the sister found it. That's what you didn't pick up in the story. That sister woke up and went, I'll do a turkey sandwich. And found a bench. Who's putting it in there? Your family is animal. That's crazy. But in that throw up. In that same vein, my brother, this is a couple years ago. The show was happening, my brother. We were doing, like, the. We do, like, a roast. Like the steak or whatever. A filet roast or whatever. Guys, Denise is here. Everybody give it up for Denise. Ah, my mom.

[A]

Everybody. You got the whole dance set up and shit. Jeff Ross is.

[B]

There, and he bit on the. Like, a chewy. A tender piece of meat. Cracked his tooth, swallowed.

[A]

It. A chewy, tender piece of.

[B]

Meat. Whatever. A piece of.

[A]

Meat. What are you drinking over.

[B]

There? What are you just spilling all over the.

[A]

Place? That was an accident.

[B]

Okay. Getting oddly defensive about the spill. If someone else around you spilled five times, you'd make a comment on.

[A]

It. Shut.

[B]

Up. You're like, first of all, nobody accused you of drinking. And you said you weren't drinking seven.

[A]

Times. Bunch of pills fall out of my pocket. So you've been on a tough.

[B]

Piece of meat, I guess. Or. Yeah, whatever. You do a roast? Yeah, thank you. I don't. No, I eat.

[A]

It. Would you know even how to cook a.

[B]

Roast? Put in the oven. That's it. Brother's teeth fall.

[A]

Out. That's.

[B]

Tough. He's cracked his tooth. Swallowed it. And then we were like, swallow my tooth. It was like the first bite, and I was like, dude, we are dirt.

[A]

Bags. I'll take his.

[B]

Plate. You gonna finish that roll? Yeah, yeah. We do a roast for my small family on Christmas Eve. Like.

[A]

My. With all the.

[B]

Trimmings. Yeah, I guess I don't really remember. I don't know if I.

[A]

Do. Cheetos and pretzels. Got them arranged around it with a Gatorade au.

[B]

Jus. We turn it into a dip. Somehow you dig out a.

[A]

Hole. Put ranch dressing in.

[B]

There. Yeah. Flay.

[A]

Bowl. Fuck. A bread.

[B]

Bowl. That's great. All right, let's see. This is from Ranch on Pizza, longtime comrade of Zepbound. Shout out to you. Never have one read. Is it garbage if your parish pastor had to cancel midnight mass going forward because too many people were showing up drunk? Nothing like hearing 50 drunk dead scream sing Silent.

[A]

Night. That's.

[B]

Awesome. That's the one they all try to D. That's the one everybody checks in.

[A]

On. It never occurred to me to do that until a couple years ago. We usually go to St Helena's but the Monsignor or one of the fathers, one of the priests, my mom like, went over to Visitation, the Italian.

[B]

Church. A little bit.

[A]

Older. A little bit older, but it's an old school church. Italians in there, the family and all that kind of stuff. It gives you a good.

[B]

Vibe.

[A]

Sure. You know what I mean? You get over to pepperoni smell. It's nice. The incense covers that up. No offense to you and your family. Personally, Mr. D. Slit my throat later. Good thing I had to get a piano wire, huh?

[B]

What? Sorry, I'm reading some questions. I got to produce the goddamn show. Not all here to make fun of our Italian friend.

[A]

Anyway. But we went to my cousin's and then we would. Did a midnight mass and I had two, three in me. It was real.

[B]

Nice. Yeah, I stopped doing a mass about a decade.

[A]

Ago. You don't go at.

[B]

All? I don't go at all. Huh. Then he stopped fighting me on it. I think they stopped going as a family too. Now there's so.

[A]

Many. The peace.

[B]

Goes. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I can't let my mom go.

[B]

Alone. She does it every week. I mean, she probably goes with my.

[A]

Sister. My.

[B]

Mom. I don't know what she does in her spare time, but.

[A]

Apparently.

[B]

Hey. What? No, my mom probably goes with my.

[A]

Sister. She know the YMCA wasn't topless. Any her fucking fault. You put a sign.

[B]

Up. Just thought it was the Village People ymca. I thought you partied. Yeah, my mom goes with Denise. My brother and his family.

[A]

Go. Your mom goes with Denise. Your sister.

[B]

Goes. My sister. Whatever. My. My mom goes to my sister. My brother and his family go on her.

[A]

Own.

[B]

Yeah. And then I'm just not. Not for me. Heathen. Yeah, that is what it is. I have my own. I have my own, you know.

[A]

Traditions. You have a good time in.

[B]

Hell?

[A]

Yeah. Won't be lonely. Just watch man on Fire. People talk about him. Dakota Fanning in that. She's like 10 years.

[B]

Old. Killing it. Killing it. Crazy. First time I cried ever watching a.

[A]

Movie. Oh, my.

[B]

God. Didn't know.

[A]

That. Doubles back at the.

[B]

End. What the heck is even that?

[A]

That. Why did he have to give himself up? You had the.

[B]

Brother. Your life for a.

[A]

Life. Fatigue. It's two.

[B]

Lines. I know, I know. Listen, Hollywood, what do you want from me? You don't know Hollywood. Welcome to show.

[A]

Business. I want to get that jacket he.

[B]

Wore. It's not cool if he walks.

[A]

Away. I.

[B]

Know. Nobody be talking about that.

[A]

Movie. He hops on the jitney to.

[B]

Cancun. All right.

[A]

Later. He was all spent anyway. He wanted to go.

[B]

Home. He was. He was. He was gonna die anyway. That's why he gave him suck. He was fucking lit up. Fucking guy.

[A]

Was. The brother caught him with one in the.

[B]

Lung. Yeah, he was done. So he's going, yeah, okay, I'll.

[A]

Fucking. The wife was great in that.

[B]

Too. She's having a resurgence. By the way. She. She was in White. Isn't that her from White.

[A]

Lotus? No.

[B]

Who? Yeah, she's one of the friends of the. The actresses in White Lotus, isn't.

[A]

She? No.

[B]

Kidding. Luke.

[A]

Mitchell. Stop playing with your toys. Adha.

[B]

Mitchell. Two hearts of crazies. London has fallen. I could be wrong on that. I'm not. I don't.

[A]

See. Give me a couple years. I'll get her back into business, start making some moves, you.

[B]

Know? Key. Sorry, I'm trying. Oh, I thought it was her. Or maybe it's not her. Nah, it's not. But that.

[A]

There's.

[B]

That. There's that one bro that looks like her that's making a. Oh, I.

[A]

Know who you're talking.

[B]

About. Making a.

[A]

Comeback. Yeah, she was a White Lotus season one.

[B]

Just. No, just the most recent one of the three friends. Yeah, with like, the boss. She had that same haircut forever. And then she was just in. I think she was in that. That. The Whores of Houston or whatever. That show we were talking about. Oh, the Hunting Wives. The Hunting Wives. I think she was in. She Wives. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're having sex with.

[A]

Everybody. Is it scripted or.

[B]

Reality? You're a fucking dirt bag. Why is it.

[A]

Scripted? I don't.

[B]

Know. Why? What would you.

[A]

Want? I liked it. I like the selling Manhattan Girls and the selling Sunset.

[B]

Ladies. You like, like the hottest, fakest broads.

[A]

Ever. They're not fake. And I tell you what, they're great businesswomen and saleswomen. They make tons of cash, they close.

[B]

Deals.

[A]

Mm. I believe it's Harry.

[B]

Coon. Is it? That might make sense. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, she's gilded age. She's been killing it recently. That's what I'm saying. I think she's like a very. Not very, but whatever she was, she was around. And then I felt like I didn't see her. Now she's in everything. Killing.

[A]

It. Good for her. Yeah. Man on.

[B]

Fire. Man on fire.

[A]

Check. Good Christmas movie. It is. To watch around.

[B]

Christmas.

[A]

Why? That's just cool. One of those movies you can watch over again. Any movie you could watch over again is a Christmas for the holiday season. Like the godfather's always running. That's not a Christmas movie. But it's always on a. E. Every Christmas, they run that shit.

[B]

Back. Okay, I'm with you on that. On.

[A]

It. Thanks.

[B]

Buddy. All right. This one's from Wade Boggs. Beers. Working in a restaurant. A bunch of us would get stuck working Christmas Eve. We would all. We would have a dip party. Everyone would sign up a dip to bring, and we'd have a spread. I'm talking taco dip, buffalo chicken dip, queso dip. You name it, we had.

[A]

It. That's.

[B]

Great. We would close early and eat chips and dip, drink beers and do white elephant Exchange. Some of my best Christmas memories.

[A]

Ever. That's all.

[B]

Right. That's what it's all fucking.

[A]

About. All.

[B]

Dips. Just all.

[A]

Dips. All.

[B]

Dips. You're sitting in this. You're sitting in the dining room, laughing, bebop. Probably going over your receipts, counting your tips. Talk. Trashing this person, trashing that person. That's what it's fucking.

[A]

About. I might switch over to all dips all the time. Just.

[B]

Dips. Dips and.

[A]

Apps. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Don't push.

[A]

Back. I'm not Christmas miracle. I could do all dips, but it's got to be different vehicles going into the.

[B]

Dip. A hundred percent. Maybe some pita, some fucking. Some thick crackers. Some. Some.

[A]

Chips. I love a.

[B]

Pita. Some pretzel rods. All that stuff are good vehicles for.

[A]

Dips. And some veggies. Some veggies are nice. I like to snap.

[B]

Peas. That's where you lose.

[A]

Me.

[B]

Really? Well, I'm not saying it's not nice, but, like.

[A]

Cauliflower. Small pieces of.

[B]

Cauliflower. I like small pieces of cauliflower. Not when it's next to a pretzel. Rod and cheese dip. I'm sorry. I just. It's gonna lose that battle.

[A]

100. If I have pita and vegetables. I'll stick a vegetable in the pita, fold that like a little piece of pizza, and then get the.

[B]

Dip.

[A]

Bang. Yellow. Yellow.

[B]

Sandwich. I need a pita.

[A]

Buffer.

[B]

No. For sure. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, but what do you say we wrap this up, big.

[A]

Fella? I say we wrap it up.

[B]

Gang. I think you got a little something.

[A]

Prepared. A little something. As you know, not to. As we do here, we do a retelling. Original.

[B]

Piece.

[A]

Sure. Of Twas the Night Before.

[B]

Christmas.

[A]

Yes. Which it changes up every year. And here we.

[B]

Go.

[A]

Mm. Shout out to the bozos and the.

[B]

Homies. Yes, sir. Shout.

[A]

Out. Oh, my Con Ed check.

[B]

Bounced. It's a Christmas miracle. It'd be a miracle if that thing went.

[A]

Through. Here we go. Twas the night before Christmas. Ready? Twas the night before Christmas and all through Tuddy's, Luke was tossing and turning, dreaming of ganja and nerd clusters and all Christmas's goodies. Kippy, the new dad, was wide awake, keeping an eye on little Kipirino so he didn't scarf down all the cookies he baked. A perfect Irish baby. Cheeks chubby and red, eyes blue like the sea and just like his daddy, not a single hair on his head. Tooty was bombed, cigarette and highball in hand. She was honestly so fucked up, it was a Christmas miracle she could stand. They were all waiting for the Bugman to show up, who left hours ago for a pizza he's probably coked up to the gills and halfway to Ibiza. It's been up and down with this guy almost all year long. He thought the past was behind him, but boy, was he wrong. Louisiana was brutal and Boston was rough. Then the boys put their foot down and said, enough is enough. Just then the door flew open and Bugman appeared with the pizza and beer. It was him and his best pal, Ryan Diesel. No drugs, no gear, just smiles on their faces and presents and cheer. My apologies, boys, but traffic got bad and we stopped by the cemetery so I could finally say goodbye to my dad. But the pizza is still hot. Let's all grab a plate. I'm sorry again that I showed up so long and so late. Lukie woke up rubbing his eyes to grab something to eat. Little Kipirino took his baba. He squeezed his daddy's hand as he wiggled his feet. They huddled around the table and laughed and they talked, remembering all the good times this year and all the miles they walked. A crew like no other. Best in the biz, like a Diet Coke at breakfast with its bubbles and fizz. Bugman said it's good to be back and that we're all still together. He said, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry for the worst summer ever. So to the army of garbage, man your battle stations because the new tour starts up soon. We'll be in Toronto, Austin, Tampa and I think Cleveland in June. Still, some thinking never tire or fret because we're still in the fight. And a Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. We love you.

[B]

Gang.