America's Sweetheart w/ Ari Shaffir

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast" Episode: "America's Sweetheart" featuring Ari Shaffir Release Date: January 27, 2025

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1. Welcome and Guest Introduction

The episode kicks off with hosts H. Foley and Kevin Ryan welcoming their audience back to "Are You Garbage?" They introduce their special guest, Ari Shaffir, affectionately dubbing him "America's Sweetheart" and highlighting his latest Netflix special.

H. Foley [02:25]: "He's family at this point."

Ari Shaffir [02:43]: "Thank you, everybody."

2. Grooming and Haircuts

A significant portion of the conversation delves into personal grooming habits, particularly focusing on unibrows, shaving, and various hairstyles. The hosts and Ari share humorous anecdotes about their experiences with hair maintenance.

Kevin Ryan [03:00]: "You could do reu Jewish. That would be yes. I'm not, but my mother is."

Ari Shaffir [04:26]: "Sometimes I look like I came in out of the fucking subway."

3. Interactions with Children

The trio reminisces about encounters with children who mistakenly identify them as figures like Santa Claus or express bewilderment at their appearance, leading to funny and awkward moments.

H. Foley [06:08]: "And this kid was like, his kid pointed at me and he goes, mommy, why is his belly so big?"

Ari Shaffir [06:21]: "Cause your mom's a whore. Cause your dad laughed. Now beat it."

4. Ari's Netflix Special: "America's Sweetheart"

Ari discusses his new Netflix special, sharing insights into his creative process, interactions with fellow comedians, and the challenges faced during production.

Ari Shaffir [09:01]: "We made centerpieces out of it. Gave it up to the crew."

Kevin Ryan [08:30]: "Ari Shaffir, guy takes chances. Goddamn artist. He is."

5. Casino and Poker Stories

The conversation shifts to casino experiences, where Ari and the hosts recount tales of playing poker, dealing with dealers, and even cheekily discussing strategies to "cheat" at the game.

Ari Shaffir [26:14]: "We used to cheat poker. We'd give a tap, then raise regardless of hand."

Kevin Ryan [26:53]: "We got caught once because I told him I really got lazy."

6. Funerals and Photography Etiquette

Ari and the hosts tackle the sensitive topic of taking photographs at funerals, debating the appropriateness and etiquette surrounding such actions.

H. Foley [28:25]: "Don't take a picture with the dead guy."

Ari Shaffir [28:26]: "You don't smile on that one. That's a no smile."

7. Hair Transplants and Airport Mishaps

The trio shares humorous and sometimes absurd stories about hair transplants, airport security encounters, and the societal perceptions surrounding these experiences.

H. Foley [38:46]: "They put the dots."

Ari Shaffir [39:19]: "But it's kind of like online dating. We've got shell shocked when we were little. We're like, that's for nerds now."

8. "Are You Garbage" Card Game Segment

Engaging with their audience, the hosts present various scenarios and questions to Ari, determining whether certain behaviors classify someone as "garbage." This segment is filled with witty banter and sharp humor.

Kevin Ryan [35:22]: "Ever thrown a bicycle in a fit of."

Ari Shaffir [49:17]: "Dude, we're doing blow. No, we're doing blow."

9. Anecdotes of Near-Accidents and Survival

Ari shares harrowing yet funny stories of near-accidents, including almost driving onto train tracks and getting stuck in nature, highlighting the chaotic and unpredictable nature of life.

Ari Shaffir [54:17]: "We were like, guys, if a train comes killing everybody. Yeah, this is fucked."

Kevin Ryan [57:07]: "Worst part about it, we got back to my buddy's house and we jumped in the pool to like, wash off."

10. Promotional Segments and Final Thoughts

Throughout the episode, subtle promotions for sponsors like TrueWork, BetterHelp, and McAfee are interspersed, seamlessly blending into the conversation. The episode wraps up with the hosts and Ari planning future events, parties, and reflecting on their camaraderie.

H. Foley [20:22]: "And stuff like that."

Kevin Ryan [73:18]: "Peace."

Notable Quotes

• Ari Shaffir [12:03]: "Might as well be a Bible fan fiction."
• H. Foley [22:11]: "You really got to commit to over the head, too."
• Kevin Ryan [43:39]: "This is from F. Holy $10 pizza and milk guy. Are you garbage if you take a photo of the dead guy at an open casket funeral?"

Conclusion

"Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast" delivers a hearty dose of humor, camaraderie, and candid conversations with Ari Shaffir. The episode seamlessly weaves through personal stories, comedic banter, and interactive segments, ensuring listeners are both entertained and engaged. Whether discussing everyday mishaps or sharing outrageous anecdotes, the hosts and their guest maintain a lively and relatable dynamic, embodying the show's trashy yet comedic essence.

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For those who haven't tuned in, this episode offers a glimpse into the unfiltered humor and genuine interactions that define "Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast." Whether you're a fan of stand-up comedy or enjoy lighthearted, candid conversations, this episode with Ari Shaffir is sure to entertain.

Transcript

[H. Foley]

Attention, attention. Army of garbage. The boys are back on the road for the back on the block four, baby. Talking about stand up comedy. Plus we play are you garbage? Live with the crowd. It's a great way to introduce people to the show. So grab the squad, come out and see us.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, we're this march we're starting in Pontiac, Michigan. Indianapolis, Indiana, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Madison, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Cleveland, Ohio, Atlantic City, New Jersey. And gang tickets are going quick. Get them while supplies last. The boys are coming to town. See you out.

[H. Foley]

Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is are you garbage?

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, yeah, it's that little show.

[H. Foley]

We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out the group to be classy. Just a big old piece of trash.

[Ari Shafir]

Trash, trash, trash.

[H. Foley]

I'm your host, H. Foley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition. She's upstairs practicing bending spoons with her mind.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, okay. Is that an H. Foley original?

[Ari Shafir]

Gary Geller.

[H. Foley]

No, that's some Tooties tall can over there on the old Patreon. I thought it was a thick piece.

[Kevin Ryan]

He subbed out the tootie jokes to Patreon.

[Ari Shafir]

Is she using her hands? You gotta really use her hands.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, see you had a thinking too. Ari. Got it. You didn't. This guy. You're a real popcorn kind of guy. Bubblegum movies. It's a think piece right here. That's Tooties tall can over there on Patreon. Having a good time with it. My coast is coming at you from right next to me. Extremely unamused this week. He is the CEO of Are you garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Word in the street. He's gonna open up a cold stone creamery. Kevin James Ryan, everybody.

[Kevin Ryan]

What the fuck happened to you over the weekend? Hey, gang. Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in as always. Please make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube and obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com already. Garbage gang over there you get all that bonus content and the boys are back on the road. The back on the block door. All tickets available are youe garbage.com Absolutely.

[H. Foley]

Again, we could be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. He's family at this point.

[Ari Shafir]

At this point. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

He's been up, he's been down, he's been tr. He's been class. He's been crazy. He's been not crazy. He's tried to smoke in here several times. And he's got a brand new special out right now on Netflix that you gotta check out. Give it up for America's sweetheart, Mr. Ari Shafir.

[Ari Shafir]

Thank you, everybody.

[H. Foley]

There he is. Look at him.

[Ari Shafir]

Talking to a lawyer right now about changing my name to Ari U Garbage.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's ready. Hey. As an international businessman, I'd get on.

[Ari Shafir]

Top of that, the CEO over here let us takeo.

[H. Foley]

I like that.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's good.

[H. Foley]

That's not too shabby.

[Kevin Ryan]

You could do reu Jewish. That would be yes. I'm not, but my mother is. That's a thinking. Let's talk about things.

[Ari Shafir]

You guys are going to highbrow now.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know.

[H. Foley]

I'm trying to. This guy over here.

[Ari Shafir]

You went from unibrow to high brow. I like it.

[Kevin Ryan]

I still got a uni cook in a little bit.

[H. Foley]

I used to tweeze mine in high school. That was my big thing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Really?

[Kevin Ryan]

How else would you.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Tweeze that? I was dude in high school. It was bad.

[Ari Shafir]

I look like freed up on its own.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, just kind of. I think from doing it so much, it went away.

[Ari Shafir]

Your body was like. We get it.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, we get it. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

How else would you do it? Shave it?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I shaved it sometimes. That was bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, but you get. You get nicked up on that, get.

[Ari Shafir]

Hoodie on to wish it off.

[Kevin Ryan]

Were you a unibrow kid? I could peg you as a. You're a hairy man. No, none.

[Ari Shafir]

No, no. I got hair in other places.

[Kevin Ryan]

Nice.

[H. Foley]

Got good separation. You have hair in your shoulders.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

Did you have the on your shoulders in high school?

[Ari Shafir]

No, I came afterwards cuz. God sucks.

[H. Foley]

You must. Oh.

[Ari Shafir]

Nowhere else I could think that I'd want more hair.

[Kevin Ryan]

More patchy hair.

[H. Foley]

You must have been an odd looking kid.

[Kevin Ryan]

I have to say 14, 15. This is my favorite Ari look. You look like a good looking guy here. The beards pretty good. Bald but cool. Still pretty good. Sometimes you come in. It looks like you came in out of the fucking subway.

[H. Foley]

Nine different people.

[Ari Shafir]

Sometimes I'm haggard. Sometimes look going if I don't shave.

[Kevin Ryan]

It'S a coin flip of what aria you're gonna get.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, you can look very debonair and suave and even. Even when you shave the top. Yeah, Sometimes that looks better.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

You look put together.

[Ari Shafir]

Norman's bachelor party. I had a fully shaved top sides like the crown.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, you look kind of good with that. Yeah, it's funny.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I extra shaved it, extra balded it.

[H. Foley]

I mean imagine him, 14, 15.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was like the ayg and frenzy came in side face, two face.

[Ari Shafir]

I had hair back then, and then.

[Kevin Ryan]

And then kept it for, for months. You had the half and half. The half and half.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, the half and half ruled. Yeah, you kept that drunk white chicks loved it. They were fighting with their boyfriends on the street. Like now you're a piece of shit. You're a fat.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh my God, I love it.

[H. Foley]

Two different people.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's go take a picture with this semi homeless man.

[Ari Shafir]

That or like little kids, little 12 year old boys. They'd stare at me and they go to their mom. They wouldn't take their eyes off me.

[Kevin Ryan]

They just go like a horror movie when like the UFOs coming in.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I get that sometimes from little kids. They look at me like that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I've seen it.

[Ari Shafir]

How come there's so much of that man?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, one kid, one time I was.

[Kevin Ryan]

Put a dollar in your belly button.

[Ari Shafir]

I think the Western wall.

[Kevin Ryan]

They're praying to Foley, the wailing wall stuff.

[Ari Shafir]

Put a little notes in his folds.

[H. Foley]

I got Japanese tourists climbing on me, got me.

[Ari Shafir]

I just want world peace. Beat it.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I was taking a nap here.

[H. Foley]

You know those things that you shower in after when you're done on the beach? Like the little, like public little sprinklers. I was in one of those, rinsing off some sand on me because I had been rolling around in the beach.

[Kevin Ryan]

And some Dorito dust on my back, dog. You get in there and just like, oh, shake.

[H. Foley]

I'm biting at it. And this kid was like, his kid pointed at me and he goes, mommy, why is his belly so big?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, that hurts.

[H. Foley]

Cause your mom's a whore. Cause your dad laughed. Now beat it.

[Kevin Ryan]

What did you do? Did you ah, keep kidding.

[H. Foley]

I just started laughing. You know, you gotta play little kids, you gotta play along. I've been called Santa Claus a couple of times. Mommy, is that Santa Claus? Or daddy, is that Santa Claus?

[Ari Shafir]

And you're on a bad list, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude, you're so fat you're getting mistaken for fake guys. That's crazy.

[Ari Shafir]

Mythical characters, mythical fat. It's not even a regular fat. You can't even be like Kevin, not Kevin, Governor Christie.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it's like it's not even real people.

[H. Foley]

What little kids gonna know that guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Was all over the news. The fucking bridge gate. Are you kidding me?

[Ari Shafir]

Bridgegate completely killed your beach. Wildwood went down.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, that's not Bridgegate.

[Ari Shafir]

Bridge gate was like. Nobody could vacation that week.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, Bridgegate was here. Was the gwb.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, he was jamming it up.

[Kevin Ryan]

He was fighting with Edge. With Edgewater or somewhat one of Fort Lee and shut down one of the lanes on the bridge, which just fucking annihilated. Just. Just crushed the town on the.

[H. Foley]

I gotta tell you, I respect the move.

[Kevin Ryan]

Fucking over a whole fucking region 100%.

[H. Foley]

If you're. If. Dude, if you're in an office like that and you're not playing fucking chess with the roadways, you're crazy.

[Ari Shafir]

Gotta go hardball.

[H. Foley]

100% sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

Shut down the Empire State Building one day. Put fucking cones up everywhere.

[Ari Shafir]

Lines gonna be six blocks long to get to the top.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, God.

[H. Foley]

Buddy, can we tell you this?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

We love you.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I love you guys too.

[H. Foley]

Congrats on the special.

[Kevin Ryan]

And that's all the time we have for that hot seven minutes.

[H. Foley]

Are you leaving?

[Kevin Ryan]

Huh?

[Ari Shafir]

Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Glad it finally came out.

[H. Foley]

Happy for you. It looks beautiful.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wild set design.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, right.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's insane.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. The eyes are on us. We either got it, like top it, or we gotta do like a blank white, like holodeck wall and let's go for it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. I mean, Ari Shaffer, guy takes chances. Guys out there, big swing, bacon swing. Goddamn artist. He is.

[H. Foley]

Where do you lock down something like.

[Ari Shafir]

I met Aaron Judge.

[Kevin Ryan]

We were there for that. And you turned into a dim witted 12 year old when that happened.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't remember any of that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, Mr. Judd.

[Ari Shafir]

This podcast continues to be full of lies. What do you. I was. I was a bubbling idiot.

[H. Foley]

Where'd you score that kind of greenery?

[Ari Shafir]

I had to source it. It was cost a bank load.

[H. Foley]

Was it fake or was it all real? No, really.

[Ari Shafir]

All real plants you could hear in the beginning of the special. My nose a little stuffed up from the pollen.

[H. Foley]

Oh, my God.

[Ari Shafir]

That's how.

[Kevin Ryan]

Fuck.

[Ari Shafir]

That's how real it was.

[Kevin Ryan]

It looked like you were in a video game.

[H. Foley]

Is that another Benad?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, we have those big elephant ear plants like that one and like that one. But real.

[Kevin Ryan]

Those are real. We have someone come in and prune those every day.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, every two weeks.

[Kevin Ryan]

The real Ari don't know nothing about horticulture, guys.

[H. Foley]

Stephen.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ari, don't. They're poisonous, Ari. Oh, my God. You just killed us all.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm more interested in Horizon culture.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, my God.

[H. Foley]

No, they weren't all real. There's no way.

[Ari Shafir]

All real.

[H. Foley]

You just threw all that out or did you get. Everybody get to take it home? Like a centerpiece at a wedding.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. The flowers. We made centerpieces out of it. Gave it up to the crew. The elephant stuff. Those will live for, like, 50 years. Those went back. And they'll use it for other stuff, for weddings and stuff.

[H. Foley]

That's pretty cute. I like that.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. They went nuts. Foundry design. Design Foundry. They were like. I told me. I did, like, you can do this for, like, about. I'm like, oh, that's not. That's like, seven plans. No way.

[H. Foley]

Because that's very in style these days, is to have a wall of greenery.

[Ari Shafir]

Did you know that I was taking pictures everywhere? Everywhere I went, I see something like that. I was taking pictures for, like.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Effect. But then.

[H. Foley]

A living wall, they call it, I believe.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Some call you that as well. Back on the wall.

[Ari Shafir]

Jokes.

[Kevin Ryan]

The kids are firing today, gang.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, but we told them what I wanted. I sent them the material. Like, oh, this is cool. All right. You know what? Let's go nuts. And they just, on their own, just kind of like, went above and beyond.

[H. Foley]

Very classy of you, can I tell you that?

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa.

[H. Foley]

That's one point in your favor.

[Ari Shafir]

That's all I've ever wanted.

[H. Foley]

1.

[Kevin Ryan]

You are a classy guy when it comes to friendship and unity.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

And stuff like that.

[Ari Shafir]

U N, R T Y S T.

[Kevin Ryan]

U, F F. You're a nice guy.

[H. Foley]

Hygiene, dress, not so much everywhere.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Then it really falls apart into, like, you know, crackheadiness.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I went. I tried a year ago. You're reminding me that. I was like, let me try no deodorant for a bit.

[Kevin Ryan]

What are you doing?

[Ari Shafir]

I was like, I shower every day. Let me see if I could do it. And then the thing is, I wouldn't shower every day. It's like those people who go like, I can't afford this new apartment. I'll just quit smoking and I'll have extra money. Yeah, good luck. That's a great.

[Kevin Ryan]

Who's ever done.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

No one ever.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. But, yeah.

[H. Foley]

Then I was like, stroke at work is a distress.

[Kevin Ryan]

I can't cover this rent on the first.

[Ari Shafir]

I wouldn't shower. Then I'd be out. And whoever I'm with like, what the fuck, man? And I'm like, oh, yeah?

[Kevin Ryan]

How many days a week you say you're showering?

[Ari Shafir]

I would like to say I do it every day.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I know what you would like. You'd like to say a lot of things are how many days.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I'd like to say I'm not.

[Kevin Ryan]

Santa Claus, too, but I can't. You're under oath. You're in front of a jail. You're actually in court. Hey, how many days a week did.

[H. Foley]

You shower Hand on the Bible? Old Testament?

[Ari Shafir]

On the scroll. Yeah. Touch the back of the scroll.

[H. Foley]

Trying to get you in a technicality. You'll swear in the New Testament any day. In a week.

[Ari Shafir]

You don't give a shit. If we're all going to make this up anyway, I'll swear on a post. Like a fan fiction story. I don't know. Maybe.

[H. Foley]

Might as well be a Bible fan fiction.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, Ma, if you're watching, I apologize. Fanfiction.

[Ari Shafir]

It's like, oh, wouldn't it be cool if there's a sequel? An unauthorized sequel.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. Hey. All right. I don't appreciate that. Goddamn Catholic household. Tony's upstairs. You're gonna come down. She's gonna be pissed.

[Ari Shafir]

She's gonna get him out of here.

[Kevin Ryan]

She picks you up by your neck.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Just like Darth Vader's me. I don't know. Maybe five. Maybe five. Depend. But I'll go like four days in a row without. And then do every day.

[Kevin Ryan]

So then you're like going. Or is that you're just in the house or you're like. You're going to do spots and stuff.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. So I'll go like one day with no. And then if I don't have a spot the next day, I'll just run it. I'll just run it.

[H. Foley]

Can I, Can I. Can I. Can I be honest?

[Ari Shafir]

Of course, man. That's all I've ever wanted out of you.

[H. Foley]

Thank you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, are you gonna start now? Fucking five years in Johnny McLiars in the winter.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

We both know where this is going and it's. He does what he likes to call shutting it down.

[H. Foley]

I like to read.

[Kevin Ryan]

He likes.

[H. Foley]

No, you go a day. Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And then the next day goes again. You don't shower.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

You really start to get into, like, a film and a feeling that I know is not good. And probably somewhere in the depression sphere.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, it helps. It helps. If you really want to be depressed and lean into it. No. Showering really gets you there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let that film build up and slide right on into it.

[Ari Shafir]

And then people leave you alone. It's like a compound disinterest.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Distance themselves.

[H. Foley]

Because I don't get like. Like, you strike me and no Disrespect. You strike me as your traditional B.O. kind of guy. Like, you got real hoagie smell.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm not a curry guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Right up. You're right up the middle.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, Right up the middle of just like, bo.

[H. Foley]

I'm a fat guy. Bo. A little bit of that's, like, musky and sour.

[Ari Shafir]

You get the ball. Once you get the ball, film like something's on here in between that paint. I know. It's smells here, too.

[Kevin Ryan]

Between my leg and my fat upper area. Dude, you get some cottage cheese in.

[Ari Shafir]

There because you can't smell your own farts. And you can't also smell your own bot. But then sometimes you're like, who says.

[H. Foley]

You can't smell your own farts?

[Ari Shafir]

You can't smell your own farts, buddy. They're not as bad. You can handle them.

[H. Foley]

I think you enjoy them.

[Ari Shafir]

It's like opening up like a sandwich on the plane. You're like, smells fine for me. Everyone else, like, what the. Who's still eating Brussels sprouts? But when you're ready with some cheese and unready cheese smell, it's like, oh, you're not wrong. Yeah. So if I could smell my own pits. It's real bad.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. And you seem like a. Right up the middle. Extra onions, a little bit of oregano, red wine vinegar.

[Kevin Ryan]

A little hummusy, too.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make my own paste.

[H. Foley]

Is that real tahini?

[Ari Shafir]

Taziki.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shafir Taziki of beer. That's your DJ name.

[H. Foley]

Can't you an Ibiza for the weekend?

[Ari Shafir]

And everyone's like, no one's near my booth. They're all 20ft away.

[H. Foley]

How many days did you make it?

[Ari Shafir]

Adrian was. Adrian. We're flying to somewhere, Pittsburgh. And she. I saw her come back. I was on, like, row seven. She was in, like, 4:15. She comes back past me after she sits down, and I'm like, what's going on? And then she goes back and I'm like, what is it? She goes, I can't. Someone stinks. They went back to inspect themselves to see if she wasn't just karening. And they go, yeah, we'll get you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. And I was like, how bad could it have been? When they were deplaning, I was taking my time because waiting for her. And it was like, oh. Oh, that's gotta be them. They came, Tommy. And it was so bad. You should be. No, you should be on this plane.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's old and it's a hackneyed premise, but the same. Sometimes you get In a car share and you're going, how is. How has nobody done it? This is wild.

[Ari Shafir]

Start with four stars.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You're maxing out at four. If everything's great. Playlist is good. And I get mints. Max, you can get is four if you got that bo.

[H. Foley]

I dated a Polish girl one time. Her old man.

[Ari Shafir]

Congratulations.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, they really are dumb up.

[Ari Shafir]

Nothing on this. How many Polok jokes must there have been? Anytime you get something wrong, it's like noise.

[H. Foley]

Her dad came over, man. You didn't know what it was. The scent was nuts.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, pierogi reek the bo.

[H. Foley]

And I've said it before, the dumps were unbelievable. Oh, you couldn't piece it together. You couldn't even, like, figure out the food group to try to track it down. It was just strange.

[Ari Shafir]

Ever smell an extra bad dump? Like at the airport? Sometimes you can smell if someone's taking a dump sometimes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, what the fuck a nuclear poop is.

[Ari Shafir]

I refer to it as what are they eating? My dog will do that. Sometimes Starts a new food.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Extra bad. But a human.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, I think you might have walked in on me in the bathroom once or twice. I mean, I definitely.

[Ari Shafir]

Kevin's body's revolting.

[Kevin Ryan]

My wife asked me recently, have I ever not had diarrhea. That's what she asked me recently. We shared a hotel room for four days. And she goes, has it ever been solid?

[H. Foley]

The honeymoon phase.

[Ari Shafir]

That was me when I got back from Asia and Rogan was like, do you have diarrhea? I'm like, the whole time exclusively. Yeah. Four straight months of diarrhea.

[Kevin Ryan]

Highly encouraged over there.

[Ari Shafir]

Talk about a cleanse.

[H. Foley]

I would assume your digestional tract is probably pretty weathered and pretty. Pretty strong at this point.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Weird places you've been staying.

[Ari Shafir]

A lot of stuff.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's the weirdest thing you've eaten. Mr. Schaffer talked about.

[Ari Shafir]

I think I've eaten guinea pig.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, fair enough. Worm, worms was enough.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Beetle, larva. That's what it was. Ants. All in Ecuador. Whale. I've had whale burgers in Norway.

[H. Foley]

A burger.

[Kevin Ryan]

You don't even get a steak at.

[Ari Shafir]

Zebra burger in the uk.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[Ari Shafir]

They had a zebra burger in some market.

[H. Foley]

I fed kangaroo.

[Ari Shafir]

Kangaroo, ostrich.

[H. Foley]

Great.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I've had both of.

[H. Foley]

Where say it.

[Ari Shafir]

Australia.

[H. Foley]

Had it right here in New York City, baby.

[Ari Shafir]

That's not kangaroo. That's homeless. They served you homeless and called it.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was a McDonald's and Flushing Queens.

[H. Foley]

The guy wearing a Kangol hat.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[Ari Shafir]

Your kangaroo right here.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, Bear burger used to do that, right?

[Ari Shafir]

Ostrich burger.

[H. Foley]

Now this was at the Waterfront ale House on 30th and 2nd.

[Ari Shafir]

They had kangaroo.

[Kevin Ryan]

I heard that. Kangaroo burger. Packs of punch. I'm sorry. A box.

[Ari Shafir]

Hey, back.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right.

[Ari Shafir]

Damn that. Real normative episode for us here.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ah, got that.

[H. Foley]

Keep it in.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to Mr. Shout out to Mark Nymond.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Let's talk about true work.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to True Work. Gang.

[H. Foley]

Gang, True Work is hell bent on creating the most technical, high performance workwear in the world. The True Work story begins in the Colorado mountains where a trade worker knew there had to be a better solution than wet heavy gear that was weighing them down. And that is when Truewerk was born.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yep, they were nice. The good folks over there. True Work. Talk about whipping work.

[H. Foley]

Top quality stuff.

[Kevin Ryan]

They were nice enough to send us some gear on the arm. Shout out to you. Respect a couple gentlemen like that. Of course I had those. I got a hoodie, man. I didn't. I. I didn't realize. I grabbed. I grabbed it. I threw it on. I had to go walk the dog. Dude. It was snowing. Rain, sleet, everything.

[H. Foley]

Is that right?

[Kevin Ryan]

I was in there snug as a bug in a rug, Daddy. Oh.

[H. Foley]

Shout out to True.

[Kevin Ryan]

Fantastic. Every True Work product.

[H. Foley]

Mountains in Colorado. That's. That's no day in the park.

[Kevin Ryan]

No. Every True Work product is engineered for maximum comfort, protection and efficiency with minimum bulk or extra weight. You're tactical. You can move in it. It's soft, stretchy, sweat wicking. Soft shell work pants are a major upgrade over wet heavy jeans. Wind and waterproof shells use the intelligently placed insulation for streamlined warmth to let you stay mobile and agile. Listen, we got a lot of blue collar workers out there. Get yourself some true work for your own a job site. You're not one of them bums with the ripped jeans and the inseam, which has happened to me two, three times.

[H. Foley]

I'll tell you one thing I know about wet jeans and they stink.

[Kevin Ryan]

Check the full lineup and get 15% off your first [e-mail] garbage. That's 15% off at TrueWerk. T R U E w e r k.com GarbageWeed Gang, the show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Oh yeah, gang.

[H. Foley]

Let's talk about talk therapy, baby. We're big fans of BetterHelp over here on the Pod. As you know, I've just gotten into talk therapy. And I can tell you right now, no matter what's going on, it's better to talk about it. Than to keep it in, keep it.

[Kevin Ryan]

All bottled, and you lash out of your co workers.

[H. Foley]

You said it, dickhead. I'll tell you that right now. Gang, do yourself a favor. If you got something big going on, if you have something maybe unresolved from your childhood, which apparently I had, I don't know what this guy's problem is, but apparently I'm a little bit screwballed. Sure, do yourself a favor, all right? Talk it out, man. It's not worth it. Blow off some steam. Whether it's big, whether it's small, get on the phone, get on the video, do what you need to do and talk it out with BetterHelp.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it's fantastic. Listen, New year too. New Year, new you. This is a time to be like, you know what? I'm going to take that step. And BetterHelp is an easy step into the pool, baby. You get in, you can figure it out from there. It's super non committal. You can call, text. You gotta sit in an office, talk to some guy. My guy used to fall asleep on me. I gotta. Can you. I gotta sit here.

[H. Foley]

I apologize to you for that.

[Kevin Ryan]

BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable, convenient, and serving over 5 million people worldwide. Access to a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialty. You can easily switch at any time at no cost, like I've said, which is a big, big thing when you're starting therapy. Write your story with better help. Visit betterhelp.com garbage to get 10% off your first month. That's better. Help. H E L p.com garbage do it.

[H. Foley]

And buddy, again, congratulations. We love you.

[Ari Shafir]

Thank you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Enough dicking around here. Let's get into goddamn questions.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, boy. What is this?

[Kevin Ryan]

This is the first episode we've ever done. Kind of. Now he's got to do something.

[H. Foley]

There goes the fidgets.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is the first episode we kind of done with you straight up. Because the first one you came in straight up as a first guess where we decided if you were garbage or not.

[H. Foley]

You wanted me to be impressed by your shuffling stuff skills.

[Kevin Ryan]

Holy. All right, well, let's start right there. That is a question. I swear to God.

[Ari Shafir]

What is the question?

[H. Foley]

You just looked at me like, yeah, pretty cool. Not showing for a couple of days. You like that, fatty?

[Kevin Ryan]

This is from Tony.

[Ari Shafir]

These are stiff.

[Kevin Ryan]

Are you garbage? If you brag about how well you can shuffle cards.

[Ari Shafir]

I do brag. When you see somebody shuffling like this, just like. Like that and push them together. I'M like, let me show you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's all. But that's kind of. The dealers go corner to corner a lot of times.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. And then they just push them in. But I'm like, no, dude, I want.

[Kevin Ryan]

You want that? And then I believe it's called the waterfall.

[H. Foley]

They don't even shuffle anymore. They got that fucking machine.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Poker. They do. Or a lot of tire. I guess. Maybe not anymore. I guess they. They do. But that is very. Why is that? That is a very garbage tendency. It means you're not good. You don't got a lot going on. If you're like, check out how I shuffle cards. You're.

[Ari Shafir]

You're.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know. Right there with you.

[Ari Shafir]

All your time is spent in between hands.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Just sitting at a table, doing it.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I always thought it was cool as shit. I always respected it.

[Ari Shafir]

I used to play a lot of poker in la.

[Kevin Ryan]

You get good at it from poker.

[Ari Shafir]

And then I was with my friend, we were playing in blackjack in a casino in Vegas, and I was doing that, shuffling. The chest.

[Kevin Ryan]

I do that too.

[H. Foley]

That is cool.

[Kevin Ryan]

I do the shuffling chest. So cool.

[Ari Shafir]

It's just like. You don't look at it. You can do two hands and he goes. Playing a lot of cards, are you?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I got a problem.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah? Yeah. I got a real addiction.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

The Russian mobs looking for you.

[Kevin Ryan]

The chip shuffle at the table at like a fucking roulette table and a blackjack table. Whatever. Lets you know you've been right. My first fucking time here. Now count me a room.

[H. Foley]

Help me out.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm shuffling three $1 chips.

[Ari Shafir]

You ever been thrown out of a table?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, he doesn't like how I. He thinks I get a little too testy at the table.

[Ari Shafir]

Testy with what? The dealer or the people?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes, the dealer. Yeah, I'm having a good. It's all in jest, Ari making fun of him.

[Ari Shafir]

She's like, come on, what you're doing is terrible.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll go, you know, this fucking piece of shit. You're ripping me off.

[H. Foley]

Literally. That's the kind of stuff that'll say, we'll be sitting there having a nice night. No, After a Lovely meal, nice $4 steak over at the old court.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shaking a beer. I would come to your house and stick my dick in your ass.

[Ari Shafir]

Turn the table over, dude.

[H. Foley]

It's. He doesn't realize it. He gets a couple of them fucking drinks.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, it's so great. It's so great.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, listen, you fucking piece of shit.

[H. Foley]

You fucking screwed me.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's not something like that.

[H. Foley]

There'll be kids around.

[Kevin Ryan]

I will say you screwed me. I'll never direct directed at him. I think that's fair.

[Ari Shafir]

They're gonna do who the dealer. Oh, you go, hey, this piece of over here.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, don't say anything but this bozo in the vest for real piece of.

[Ari Shafir]

Hey, we're all friends here, right? Not like this.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, Jimmy, did you change your name tag to Jerkle?

[H. Foley]

Watch this guy's a real scumbag. Before you sit down.

[Kevin Ryan]

Nah, you're. You're really painting me in a bad situation.

[H. Foley]

It ain't good.

[Ari Shafir]

It's what do you do?

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll have fun with it. Be it. It's not like they just come in, they deal me a bad hand. I'm like, what the fuck up?

[H. Foley]

I'll call him a low life piece of shit. Just having fun.

[Kevin Ryan]

I have fun all one time. And listen, I tip very. I tip very, very heavy. And I'll go out, you know. Very true. I got Luke. Luke back me up on that. It's very much at the tables. You think he does he Every time he wins anything.

[H. Foley]

Every time he does anything.

[Ari Shafir]

When you win, you pass it down. But when you lose, you never give it back. What's up? Dealers.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's exactly why I'm upset with them. I thought we were boys.

[Ari Shafir]

How great is this when you like tip them a dollar or whatever a chip and they go ride it and they're like up.

[H. Foley]

They play it back.

[Ari Shafir]

I love that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Those are. They ain't doing that at fucking the Bellagio. Those are a little questionable though.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, those are fun because they're going. I know the odds are against me, but I want to be. I want you guys all friendly. I don't want Kevin yelling at me again. I was here last time he came in and I had to go to therapy.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're a bald friend. It's causing bit of a scene now. It's always fun and light hearted. You're painting me out to be a bad guy. That's not the case.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I got thrown out once.

[Kevin Ryan]

For what? Stealing chips?

[Ari Shafir]

Is it commerce? Cassandra. I've cheated. Me and Rennazis used to cheat poker.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, Just stay out of the hand.

[Ari Shafir]

We'd like give taps of like I have aces or kings. And then we give a tap to me like raise. No matter what you have, I'll re raise. Then you come back. You can get out then. Why?

[H. Foley]

And then so we can do a double race.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're kind of playing together. It's like, hey, don't. Let's not fucking bump heads in the pot. We're to take their money.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. So in limit, I'll tap if he's. If I'm sitting there and Renaissance is sitting here, I'll give him the tap. And so it goes to me. I check, right? It goes to Kevin. He checks. Then I bet comes around again. You double bet. That's on limit poker. So that way I can get a double. And then. And then I'll be like, nah, I'm out.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And so now everyone has to stay in for double. But we got caught once because I told him I really got lazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got aces.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. No, I go, I'm going to raise. And then it came, and some guy's just like. Like, looking at me across the table. And then I raised, goes, whoa, what the fuck?

[H. Foley]

Wait a minute. Another player.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah. That I'm playing against. And he goes, what the fuck? Why? He goes, you just said you're gonna raise. He raised. And then you re raised. And I'm like, no. He goes, bro, I'm a foot away from you, sir.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're clearly lying.

[Ari Shafir]

I got talking to on that one. No, I got thrown out once. Cause somebody beat me up with a jack in the river. I had him the whole way. I had him. And then. And then he was like, stacking. He talked a little, just like, you think I. I knew what I was gonna. Something shitty. And then I waited, and he stacked up all these chips. And as soon as he stacked them, I just. I just reached over.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's such an Ari thing, dude.

[Ari Shafir]

I just knocked him down.

[Kevin Ryan]

Such a.

[Ari Shafir]

And they were like, no. He goes, what? Dolph? He got mad. They threw me out. They're like, yeah. No, sir, absolutely not. You're out.

[H. Foley]

What are you, five years old?

[Ari Shafir]

I'm about five. It was so. It was worth it.

[H. Foley]

Behind one of the wheel of a fortune machines and started shitting in your pants.

[Ari Shafir]

What a great noise that is.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right. Staying in casinos. This is from F. Holy $10 pizza and milk guy. Are you garbage if you take a photo. Oh, wait, this is not it. But it will stay in here. Are you garbage if you take a photo of this? Of the dead guy at an open casket funeral? Still think my aunt posing my two cousins in front of grandpa was a bad look? Worst part, she made them cheese. Yeah, that's tough.

[Ari Shafir]

She made hooch.

[Kevin Ryan]

She made the kids smile.

[H. Foley]

Don't take a picture with the grade.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. And then it was like, cheese.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, you don't smile on that one. That's a no smile.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think all pictures are for sure.

[H. Foley]

No smile.

[Kevin Ryan]

For sure. For sure. You shouldn't be taking pictures of the dead guy. You shouldn't. That's nuts. But there's a big thing that dirtbag families do is a lot of their family pictures are taken at funerals because.

[Ari Shafir]

That'S the only time they're all dressed up and together.

[Kevin Ryan]

So it's like out front of like, you know.

[H. Foley]

Plus, a cemetery on a nice day is a nice, beautiful backdrop.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, good backlighting. Yeah, no, for sure. That's a dirt bag thing. You can't be taking pictures.

[Ari Shafir]

Can't be taking pictures with a dead body.

[H. Foley]

Fucked up, man.

[Ari Shafir]

Unless you're. Unless I will allow it. Polaroid over the dead body. Go like this.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, hold this. In a dark place for three to five minutes. You guys it? Yeah, that. Okay, I'll give you that. That was a lot.

[H. Foley]

Jewish people do open caskets. What's the rule on that?

[Ari Shafir]

No, there's a weird one with the body camp before it gets. Has to be buried quick, like within a day.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

So overnight, while they're waiting for everybody to come. It can't be alone.

[H. Foley]

I respect that. Is there a viewing?

[Ari Shafir]

I don't think so. I'm trying to remember.

[H. Foley]

Somebody's got to stay and hang out.

[Ari Shafir]

Somebody's got to stay. So what they have is volunteers, the high school kids, whatever will help the community, like, stay with the body all night. And so we do our shift. You have to go in and like, be with it.

[H. Foley]

Wait, I thought like a family member would do that.

[Kevin Ryan]

They're grieving.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Yeah, so. So I mean, they must have really worried about people fucking those bodies, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know why did you ever touch one? Like Pokemon?

[H. Foley]

Well, you've done it before.

[Ari Shafir]

No, they're just in the casket. You're just in a room with a. With a casket. You just have to relieve somebody. You just sit there for a while.

[H. Foley]

So you got good at shuffling.

[Ari Shafir]

I peaked. You went in there like. Yep, that's dead.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a big set of canes.

[Ari Shafir]

Sure is dead. Yeah, it's just like the graduates.

[H. Foley]

Whoa.

[Kevin Ryan]

I let the girls out, huh?

[H. Foley]

What are they naked?

[Ari Shafir]

No. So long ago, I don't remember.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, if they're in the casket, they're not naked.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, they're all dressed up, right?

[Ari Shafir]

I think so.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you guys get buried in?

[Ari Shafir]

Plain box?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, but it like. Like all stuff wise, like, I assume almost nothing. Yeah, I think you guys were shelling. Shelling? Out cash to bury it.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, like we're not gonna waste money on a dead guy. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Drop you off at the junkyard.

[Ari Shafir]

We don't want to waste money. Normally. We definitely don't have money on a dead guy.

[H. Foley]

An old Adidas box.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, exactly. The high tops, though.

[Kevin Ryan]

Can you guys get cremated? Is there rules against that?

[Ari Shafir]

No. No cremation. Not allowed. Not allowed.

[H. Foley]

No tattoos.

[Ari Shafir]

Can't have tattoos. But that's a. That's a wives tale.

[H. Foley]

Oh, it is?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. So you can't get buried in a Jewish cemetery. It's. What? There's no such thing in Jewish law as a Jewish cemetery. Huh. You just have to bury somebody.

[H. Foley]

Would you do a mausoleum? You know, the little. The little things that are above grounds.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I'd want one of those with something interesting.

[Kevin Ryan]

Tell me to hang out in there. Like, your boys could come, like, catch a heater.

[H. Foley]

Gotta have a lot of cash for that. Those things are expensive as shit.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Immersive art. Yeah. Heater would be nice. Oh, you're saying catch a heater.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Smoke a cig. I'm off the heaters.

[Ari Shafir]

Engrave, like, light up here.

[Kevin Ryan]

Safe space, like. Yeah. Post op, you know, a little. Maybe a little stone ashtray, like build in. You have a joint, like a roach.

[Ari Shafir]

Clip or something out for the. For the dead. Leave your roaches. Yeah, yeah. Roach for the dead.

[Kevin Ryan]

That was big. That was big. When a bunch of blunts in the end.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Then I'd be in heaven and talking to God. And God's like, so what do you. What do you want? World peace wise? But I'm like, oh, no, somebody's getting.

[Kevin Ryan]

High in my grave. I'm all up, guys.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm all up. God, I'm all up.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's the good stuff too.

[Ari Shafir]

I think if everyone just got some Doritos, everything would be good.

[H. Foley]

There's 711 up here.

[Kevin Ryan]

Anything like that picture I sent to the group of you with your eyes open?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, my God.

[Kevin Ryan]

Insert that here.

[Ari Shafir]

By the way, tired, drunk, full, all the same time. Guarding, aggressively guarding my Pepsi Zero.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure that. That is a big telltale sign of how garbage you are when someone passes when you're younger. Like in high school, we had a lot of. Lot of. A lot of kids died in our high school. It must have been poison in the well or something. But a lot of people. And that was like you'd go to the grave and like, we're gonna go there and smoke a blunt. We're gonna go there and drink a bottle. Well, I got a bottle of Like, I got a bottle of Captive. We're gonna go and fucking drink it on the birthday. Like, honor him. Yeah, we did that shit all the time.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, Everyone goes to who does the fizz face. The what's fizz face? Who is that? It's a rapper from Oakland. People go to his grave and smoke on it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Ari Shafir]

T, H, I, Z Z.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you got? New guy Luke. How do I. How do I spell that?

[Ari Shafir]

T, H, I, Z, Z.

[H. Foley]

Man, Luke stumped on a hip hop punch.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is bad. It's gotta be an older hip hop.

[Ari Shafir]

It's like EU fraternity.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

He in seven during hyphy versus Thizin Fizz.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay. Yeah. Who did this? Face.

[H. Foley]

Talk about the Riz face.

[Kevin Ryan]

AI's got to know something about this fizz and peace. Mac Dre.

[H. Foley]

You would go to graves and you would. Yeah, but you know, pour out some Southern Comfort.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know if I guess you'd pour some out. I mean, I didn't real. I've definitely partaken. But, like, my friends would be like, we're going like, I got two blunts, rolled one for him. Ari. That beer is warm, by the way.

[H. Foley]

Why'd you just tell him?

[Kevin Ryan]

He's touching it. He's a cold one. We got. Oh, we only have, like. We got Christmas ales.

[H. Foley]

Christmas ale.

[Ari Shafir]

Bring it. Yeah, bring it.

[H. Foley]

All right.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Have a nice Christmas ale.

[Ari Shafir]

All this talk about drinking on grades. Yeah. Doing Dry January, too, so this would be a nice.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's good. They were recording this in February.

[Ari Shafir]

He's really bad at it.

[H. Foley]

Are you really doing Dry January?

[Ari Shafir]

No, I thought about it this year. I did it last year. I thought about it and I was like, no, I guess not. Because I was gonna go on Rogan's, and I was like, we're definitely gonna be drinking with Shane.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And then I was like, well, I may as well then drink.

[Kevin Ryan]

Start drinking now.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I respect the move.

[Ari Shafir]

I got one. Are you garbage? You have mixed matched beers in your fridge? Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Christmas just passed. What are you talking. It's January.

[H. Foley]

That's from last year.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is from two Christmases.

[H. Foley]

Oh, that was Brooklyn's all right. What is that a Brooklyn. A Brooklyn what?

[Ari Shafir]

Brooklyn Winter IPA Halloween Ale. It's the Sledder's Choice, and I'm a sledder.

[H. Foley]

Civil War ale.

[Ari Shafir]

Derogatory term.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's all. That's all we got left is Christmas beers. Big man drank all the Bud Lights the other night, but in here by himself.

[H. Foley]

I had one Bud light.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really big Bud Light.

[Ari Shafir]

Why don't you plug that thing in?

[Kevin Ryan]

It's. Listen, it's broken. We've gotten two new ones shipped here. They shown up broken. It's a whole thing.

[Ari Shafir]

It's such a cool part of it.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm well aware. It's a very. A very annoying thing we're dealing with at the moment.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, we're working on it.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, let's see here. This one I don't think we've ever discussed. This is from Cody. $10 dumpster fire here. What's more, garbage. When getting a haircut, you do the square or round neckline. Is there a class? I don't think either one's trashy. Is there a gentleman's offer?

[Ari Shafir]

They always ask. And every time they ask, I'd go, I don't know.

[H. Foley]

I'm trying to remember.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know what's the right way.

[H. Foley]

I always. Is it. They always say, do you want it natural or squared?

[Ari Shafir]

Natural. I get. That's kind of a fade in. Like it's already grown in a little.

[H. Foley]

The way it would normally end.

[Ari Shafir]

They do the round at the end and I'm like. When I'm like, squared, like. Oh, that might be lame, dude. A touch.

[Kevin Ryan]

Never get taken too far. They've taken me too far up to like the bottom of my ears, man. You look like a computer program to reverse, Theo. It's a bad look.

[H. Foley]

Here's the. When they don't go down enough. When it's not like at A1. When it gets down to the neck, when it's at like a three. And they do that. It looks like you're wearing a piece.

[Kevin Ryan]

It hangs over the natural hairline that over the ears.

[H. Foley]

Sometimes if they're going over the ears and they go too far out when they go over.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah, you got can head.

[H. Foley]

Hey, Lego head.

[Kevin Ryan]

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[Ari Shafir]

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[Kevin Ryan]

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[Ari Shafir]

And with award winning antivirus, you get.

[Kevin Ryan]

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[Ari Shafir]

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[H. Foley]

Have you ever spotted McDonald's hot crispy fries right as they're being scooped into the carton? And time just stands still.

[Ari Shafir]

You ever get a haircut and they're like, all right, cut it on like a three or whatever. If it's like trimmed and then you see it, you go, that's actually not short enough. Can you just go over the whole thing again? I feel bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

I had one guy go, I'm not done yet. And I went, all right, well, here goes your tip.

[H. Foley]

He also gave you the worst haircut ever.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was pretty bad.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I had to wear a hat for a. I gotta grow into a haircut a little bit. I need two or three days to grow into it.

[H. Foley]

Are you just cutting that yourself sometimes?

[Ari Shafir]

Or I'll go down there and just buzz it fast.

[H. Foley]

Have them just buzz it.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's as easy now. This part's taken care of already, so.

[H. Foley]

There'S no in between anymore.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, I go, yeah, no, I want to go to Turkey. I want to get that thing, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was just. Travis. Traveling back from Germany and that airport, man, that is eight.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, really?

[Kevin Ryan]

Going through. Those guys are going through security with a headband and a swollen ass head.

[Ari Shafir]

It's all.

[Kevin Ryan]

They look like a Ken doll.

[Ari Shafir]

Everybody on there, he's in a headband.

[Kevin Ryan]

They all laid over in fucking. And they all laid over in Frankfurt. My wife was like, there's no way you could ever do that. Why?

[H. Foley]

You suck it up for a couple of months, you'd be all right.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I want to know what the recovery time is.

[H. Foley]

A couple months?

[Kevin Ryan]

Two weeks.

[Ari Shafir]

Two weeks is fine. I can just have.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, it's like two weeks. It's two weeks. Like, no water.

[H. Foley]

So the ink starts to go away.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it's like two. Two ink. It's two weeks. That's the hair.

[H. Foley]

Oh, it is, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's your new hair.

[H. Foley]

I thought there was little dots and that's how they. That's how they put it in there. Like they put the dots.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's the hair. That's the new hair follicle.

[H. Foley]

Oh, it is, Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know how they do it.

[Kevin Ryan]

But also, I don't need a bigger head, man. By that swelling goes. It might not go down well, you.

[Ari Shafir]

Think it's just X. They put someone else's head on top of your head.

[H. Foley]

I thought they put little dots. Like they put a thing over you put little dots, and then that's where they know where to put a tracer and put.

[Kevin Ryan]

They might put those.

[H. Foley]

Put the piece of hair in there.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think you're seeing the piece of hair because then it griff. Then. Then it falls out and then regrows or something like that. I don't know. I don't know it's a bad look. I do not want to be that guy. Knew everyone was looking at him. You know?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, you're gonna have to do a couple months of, like, if I got it, I would just lean in. I wouldn't pretend to deny it or anything. I'm like, check out this new fake hair. I'm back.

[H. Foley]

Couple of months, you sluts will all be sorry.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Doesn't grow back.

[Ari Shafir]

Fuck yeah. People try to talk out of it, like, it's gonna make it look shitty. I'm like, I mean, I'll just shave it. I'm about there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Anyway, they look really good now. They do look good now.

[Ari Shafir]

Way better.

[H. Foley]

But you.

[Ari Shafir]

But it's kind of like online dating. We got shell shocked when we were little. We're like, that's for nerds now.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, dude, we've had someone offer one weird summer. A listener. His dad. A listener's dad is one of the best guys in Turkey. And he offered us like a full. Do you want to do it? He offered. He offered us like a full blown come over. They put you up. They give you like a Lamborghini to drive around in.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, yeah, let's make it a trip. Let's make it a comedian's trip.

[H. Foley]

Pretty cool.

[Kevin Ryan]

You get some more hair?

[H. Foley]

No, I would go just for. I go just for the hang. For the desserts. Just kidding me.

[Ari Shafir]

Turkish delight.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Couple of pistachios.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Someone else got fake hair. Someone's getting a harem, and you're just rolling around in Turkish Delight.

[H. Foley]

I'm a sucker for all that food, man. Couple of dates, a little bit of hummus.

[Ari Shafir]

Big Turk. One of the most underrated candy bars. Canada only.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Big Turk.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. It's Turkish Delight wrapped in chocolate. You go to Canada, shout out Turkish Delight before.

[H. Foley]

No, it's like a nougat.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm a Hershey man.

[Ari Shafir]

Everybody mixed with gummy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I'm out.

[H. Foley]

Got a little chew to it.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's got some chew.

[H. Foley]

A couple almonds.

[Ari Shafir]

Good. Really? Do you upright? Yeah, let's all go.

[H. Foley]

I get my head covered in new.

[Kevin Ryan]

I can't do it.

[Ari Shafir]

Let's all hang out. At least we can puss out later.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, just go to Turkey.

[Ari Shafir]

Let's go. We'll decide when we get there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. Something neat. Get some of them sandwiches.

[H. Foley]

I like. I know.

[Kevin Ryan]

I like the sandwiches and Turkish beers.

[H. Foley]

They got the weird cigarettes.

[Kevin Ryan]

We can hang out here. What do you. We can smoke weird Stigs and weird beers here.

[Ari Shafir]

Facts, facts.

[H. Foley]

I guess it's true.

[Kevin Ryan]

Save the fucking $35,000. And the headache. My God, the headache. All right, let's see.

[H. Foley]

Treat me like a king over there. What are you talking about?

[Ari Shafir]

What was that question? Do we answer it?

[Kevin Ryan]

That was the. Oh, the back. The. I would say square is probably the more gentleman y thing.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't think it makes you garbage or not.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't think it's not garbage, but I think the classier one would be square.

[Ari Shafir]

Classy. Square, you say?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, square seems more military from what I'm see. And then it's also easier to keep up a square so you can do it yourself for longer.

[Ari Shafir]

No, I say a curve is better because when it grows in past it, it looks okay. Square with some extra.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, no, but if you're touching it up yourself, right, you can't touch up the. The round one's more natural.

[H. Foley]

I don't know, but the kid in high school that had the fucking hair back here was fucking A rough look down. I used to have to shave my brothers.

[Kevin Ryan]

The Tornado, down the back.

[H. Foley]

Like, shave the back of his neck.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Jesus Christ.

[H. Foley]

Brutal.

[Kevin Ryan]

I never had that. Italians. Had that gross Italian. The Italians, they're a hairy group. You ain't lying. I was. I mean, we used it to our advantage. My boy Vinnie with the skinny, he was about 16, sent him into the beer distributor in a wife beater and board shorts in the summer. And they were like. Like, you got ideas? Like, I just came from the pool and they went, nah, I mean, you could look. I mean, it looked like a fucking, you know, like a mechanic. And they're like, so great. Underage beer for five years.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. These kids got to start dying their hair a little gray.

[H. Foley]

Well, do you see people?

[Kevin Ryan]

People are doing that. They're dressing up as like old women or old men. Like, you know, there's like, you can get enough fake prosthetics, like a wig and all this stuff, and go in as like a super old guy, grab a sixer and guy behind the counter, the guy, whatever.

[Ari Shafir]

Hey, as someone who used to have to check ID.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shit my pain.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I used to check IDs at the comedy Store. And I. And this is all normal situation, not everybody. I would just look at the thing and hand it back and say, yeah, I would. You could be. Give me a black woman's thing. And I'm like, okay, 1991. Who's doing the math? Yeah, it's just Cleo.

[Kevin Ryan]

Have a nice day, man.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't think either one of those is classy or trashy I think it's just better or worse.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. It does open up for a pretty good debate. And I never know. I just. Sometimes I go, whatever you're feeling, man. Also, English is. There's a. There's a tough language barrier where I get my haircut a lot of times.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, good point.

[Kevin Ryan]

They got to talk to the guy next. Because I always get the bad guy because I don't call in and make my appointment at the Dominican spot. So I always get the guy who's just sitting there waiting. Cousin, he don't speak English, so I got to talk to the guy next to him, and then he's got to talk to him and.

[Ari Shafir]

Or if you get it back where your wife lives and, like, you want the Dolph. No, I don't want the Dolph.

[Kevin Ryan]

They give you the high and tight over there.

[H. Foley]

What's the dolphin?

[Ari Shafir]

I know, just like a little bit of spiky. All shaved and down hard.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, just some Europeans do a very nice. They go bald. Very. That's, like, way more. The receding hairline. Hairstyle still like the curly. Push it in. Yeah, they do it nice.

[Ari Shafir]

Go for it. They gotta show up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Coming to a podcast near uk.

[H. Foley]

The.

[Kevin Ryan]

Push forward and the fucking. The soccer players do it.

[H. Foley]

He's looking at the owner of the Raiders.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, that's the worst haircut of all time.

[Kevin Ryan]

My skin's all blotchy. Mark.

[Ari Shafir]

Whatever his name is.

[H. Foley]

Mark Davis.

[Ari Shafir]

Mark Davis.

[H. Foley]

That's it. His dad carried it with a little bit of swagger.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Mark Davis just like, oh, who's. I mean, he's got some young chick. Girlfriend. She's like. No, I just like him. Like. Right. Yeah, right.

[H. Foley]

He looks like he was born in a mushroom patch.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, Portobello, get the out of here.

[H. Foley]

He's doing his thing now.

[Ari Shafir]

He's doing his thing, I guess.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[H. Foley]

I don't want him coming looking for me. He's got a little bit of cash on him.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Oh, for the record, Mark Davis, Oakland rules.

[Kevin Ryan]

There you go.

[H. Foley]

Very true.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that makes sense. I see what you're saying there. Gay. All right, let's see. This one's from Phil. 10 pizza pervert. Never have one red. Is it garbage to sleep with your hands in your pockets? Sometimes it's. Sometimes it's comforting. Sometimes I feel like a psychopath.

[Ari Shafir]

Always psychopath.

[Kevin Ryan]

I.

[Ari Shafir]

Even if you want to put your hands in. Why pockets? What the are you.

[Kevin Ryan]

It keeps you tight.

[H. Foley]

I'll do it on a seat belt. I'll stick my hands. Seatbelt rules.

[Ari Shafir]

Seatbelt really helps you.

[Kevin Ryan]

But then why not pocket?

[H. Foley]

I'll stick it underneath the seatbelt.

[Ari Shafir]

Because you're in a bed, I pocket on a plane, all out in your bed. What are you sleeping in that has pockets?

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll give you that.

[Ari Shafir]

You're gonna do the flap. Put it in the flap.

[H. Foley]

What about a tuck under. Into the. Like.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, totally tuck underneath the balls. Cupping the balls.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hands in your pockets while you're sleeping. Looks like you're waiting for a bus or something. That ain't right. That's sacrilegious.

[H. Foley]

You've been robbed one too many times.

[Ari Shafir]

I saw a video. It said, somebody's trying to Tucker, keep stealing my chain. It said, somebody's trying not to get robbed in. In Philadelphia. Waiting for the bus, they're trying not to get mugged. And so they get to the bus stop and they just go like this.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, pretty.

[Ari Shafir]

So the bus comes, like, all right, I'm ready.

[H. Foley]

In a business suit, holding a briefcase.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll never. Pretty good. I was driving down Gerard Avenue, and there's a trolley on Gerard. So there's like, people wait in the middle on, like, a little island. And, man, this guy is at, like, fucking Gerard in Frankfurt or something. This guy nodding out as I was passing him and, like, leaned over my car and I just zipped right. Whoa. Almost took that guy's fucking head clean off. He didn't even know what happened.

[Ari Shafir]

They don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

He just popped off up and then.

[Ari Shafir]

You know, can hit it with a Frisbee. They won't even notice.

[H. Foley]

I want already to get to that next beer because I want to see how bad. That's a scotch ale. What the hell is that?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, this is not a bad ipa.

[H. Foley]

No, I'm sure Brooklyn makes it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Brooklyn's a great beer.

[Ari Shafir]

Today's episode is brought to you by Brooklyn Lager.

[Kevin Ryan]

They. They're close. They can cut a goddamn check.

[Ari Shafir]

Put a picture of penis in here.

[H. Foley]

Ari Shaffir loves penis.

[Ari Shafir]

I'll try this. I'll try it now. Then I'll do a little mixer, man. Never see a mixture outside of a Fuddruckers.

[H. Foley]

Fuddruckers. Mixing beers.

[Ari Shafir]

No, mixing sodas.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sodas.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, you must have had this question before. No, if you get to the fountain and you do a mixture.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I've done a mix.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, yeah.

[H. Foley]

I didn't know Fuddruckers was the same. As for it, I think.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, they had their own. He was just.

[Ari Shafir]

No, you fill up your thing, but you're like, little coke, little cherry coke, little Sprite, Little Orange.

[Kevin Ryan]

There's a. See if you can find the name of that. I heard a pretty good name recently. You're doing your own, like doing one of everything. It's like running the gauntlet or the potato.

[H. Foley]

I know exactly who did it. The guy who owns that burger place. The guy with the what? The guy with the gray mutton chops that owns that burger place.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do I know? Like no one? Personally?

[H. Foley]

No.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, Superiority Burger.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got two for you. Suicides and Garbage Juice.

[Ari Shafir]

Garbage Juice?

[Kevin Ryan]

Suicides is pretty dude doing a suicide.

[Ari Shafir]

So just having to do it all.

[H. Foley]

Everything but Diet Coke, I think.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, you gotta put a little diet in there too. That'll really ruin it.

[H. Foley]

I think they put a pickle in it too. Ugh, I'm pretty sure Dua Lipa. You talk bad about Dua Lipa.

[Kevin Ryan]

How is it? Oh, you didn't have it yet. Scotch ale, ladies and gentlemen. Here for the first time, Ari tries a four year old scotch ale. Don't throw up. Toddy will be pissed.

[Ari Shafir]

I like it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Pretty good.

[H. Foley]

There you go.

[Kevin Ryan]

Pretty good.

[Ari Shafir]

That's actually legitimately good. It's a brown Alex for sure. Like a newcastle.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. I never fell in love with them Newcastle.

[Ari Shafir]

Nah, they're okay. No, really.

[H. Foley]

Nah. It was always something that some like cool guy had. Yeah, some hippie guy was like, oh.

[Kevin Ryan]

You'Re drinking those, I'm drinking Chemay. It's like, get out of here, Mazew.

[Ari Shafir]

Guys, today's episode is brought to you by Bell's Christmas ale. Scott Jail.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm a Bell's Too hearted Man.

[Ari Shafir]

If you're ever in the Comstock, Michigan area, come by the factory and take a tour of the Bells.

[H. Foley]

Is that where Bells is?

[Ari Shafir]

Maybe.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, they were in Brooklyn.

[Ari Shafir]

It says Chris. It says it there. I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, this one, this, I mean, this is from Fat Chicks Only. This is gar.

[Ari Shafir]

That's a. That's a solid.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is it garbage to get picked up for a custody exchange on a motorcycle? My dad would have to pick me up on. My dad would have to pick me up on his motorcycle and I would have to wear my stepmom. It had a sticker on the back that read, bitch, I was 10 years old.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean 1,000%.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes, it makes you garbage, but I.

[H. Foley]

Don'T care what your haircut looks like. Wow.

[Ari Shafir]

Just riding. It's riding bitch, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, you're right.

[Ari Shafir]

If you ride behind him, hold onto your dad, man. That is, if you got a dad who's got a stepmom. You Definitely want to hold on tight.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's pretty cool, though. I mean.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, have to is a weird word for this guy. You get to.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, exactly. What doesn't want to go like that.

[H. Foley]

New husband was a huge pussy and scared. And scared of the dad for sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah, yeah. He'd be like, all right, Mark, relax.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ari, are you mixing the beers now?

[Ari Shafir]

I'm gonna mix, but I'm gonna wait till it settles and then I'm gonna have a little mixture.

[H. Foley]

He's a weird guy. What are you gonna do?

[Kevin Ryan]

The oldest 8 year old I've ever met in my life.

[H. Foley]

He's America's sweetheart.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's right now on Netflix. Beat that too. You get one plug up front, Ori. That's all you get.

[H. Foley]

This is the summer. But it reminded me of when sometimes if we were going to stay at my cousin's and my parents were going somewhere, they lived right off the turnpike and there was like a get on, like for emergency vehicles.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. What kind of get on?

[Kevin Ryan]

What kind of city planner are you?

[Ari Shafir]

What a great way to call an on ramp a get on.

[H. Foley]

It wasn't an on ramp.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's not a get on. I know that much.

[H. Foley]

It wasn't an on ramp. It was just a gate. Like in case there was a bad accident, they could put emergency.

[Kevin Ryan]

An emergency access point.

[H. Foley]

Yes. So they would just pull off the turnpike and let us out and we would sneak through the chain link fence and my aunt and uncle would pick us up and they'd take us to their house for the weekend.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wow, real refugee shit.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, just enough to turn around.

[H. Foley]

It paid a toll.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm on board with that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Actually, you know what? I recant my previous statement.

[Ari Shafir]

Jew is still on YouTube right now. Get on. Now, are there any other terms that you've been using that when you find out as an adult? Like, wait, that's not the term.

[Kevin Ryan]

We just did one. It was just wrong. It's one of those, like, idioms that you hear and you just. I heard it wrong the whole time. Yeah, a ration of shit.

[H. Foley]

Ration of shit.

[Ari Shafir]

How'd you hear it?

[Kevin Ryan]

I heard it was a. I thought it was a rash. End of shit. Like you're giving me a rash and a ration of shit over here. Like I was chasing a ration.

[H. Foley]

Like a portion.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I was chafing from all the shit I was getting.

[Ari Shafir]

Nice.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know what I mean?

[Ari Shafir]

We convinced a friend of ours that Alanis Morissette song was a cross eyed bear that you gave to me. You know that you know, you want.

[Kevin Ryan]

To know the cross eye bear that you gave?

[Ari Shafir]

We convinced him that it was about the guy from Full House who gave her a teddy bear that had crossed eyes. So the crowd, he goes, oh, yeah. He goes, what did you think it was? He goes, no, no, no. I knew, I knew.

[Kevin Ryan]

I just don't want to tell you.

[Ari Shafir]

It's pretty deep. We told him that at Dewey Beach. Shout out Screwy.

[Kevin Ryan]

In his defense, that's also a time when, like, unless you bought the album, you couldn't learn the lyrics.

[Ari Shafir]

You didn't know.

[H. Foley]

Hold on. Back that detail up. A good place to do that to somebody.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Dewey Beach. I got a ticket for public urination.

[H. Foley]

Could have got the whole town to believe that down there.

[Kevin Ryan]

He could have been the mayor.

[H. Foley]

Whoa.

[Ari Shafir]

You know that screwy tacit toss Fridays.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, God, this one's just funny. This is from Nicholas. Ever thrown a bicycle in a fit of.

[H. Foley]

Absolutely.

[Ari Shafir]

It can't be in a nice mood.

[H. Foley]

Absolutely fucking lootly.

[Kevin Ryan]

You are real fucking pissed to do that.

[Ari Shafir]

Throw a bike. Wow.

[Kevin Ryan]

They're so awkward.

[Ari Shafir]

And you gotta pick it up.

[Kevin Ryan]

You really got to commit to over the head, too.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

If you're doing that.

[H. Foley]

They would hurt, too, if, like, somebody would throw one at you or like when they push. Push you down on your bike. Man, those can't block it.

[Kevin Ryan]

No. Yeah, there's no soft part. You can try to.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Park catches like your elbow bone or.

[Kevin Ryan]

Something coming frame first at you. Yeah, damn, that's. That's a good. I've never thought of that. That is an angry man right there.

[Ari Shafir]

Solid, solid, solid.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, God.

[Ari Shafir]

Throwing a bicycle.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, let's see here. This is one from Uncle Dube.

[Ari Shafir]

I got one.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hit me.

[Ari Shafir]

Ever drive onto the train tracks by accident?

[Kevin Ryan]

How?

[Ari Shafir]

We did it at Portland Bridgetown Festival. We were driving drum rob a bank and we saw a cut through. Cut through is a real term, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I don't know.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, that's a 50. 50.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, cut through is definitely cut through.

[H. Foley]

And a get on isn't.

[Kevin Ryan]

How about to get off.

[H. Foley]

Get on at the cut through.

[Ari Shafir]

We're like, we could go this way, then back up, then back up to the. To the after party. But like, oh, it's right there. You can see to the road and. And it goes. So it's train tracks, but, like, we can drive on it. But then the road dropped the train tracks a little higher. So we were driving and all of a sudden we were just skidding. Yeah, it was me. Who else in the car? It might have Been kinane. It might have been. And I forget who else was there. It might have been someone who lived there. And then we were like, just stopped. You can't go. The wheels aren't touching. And then we're like, oh, what do we do?

[H. Foley]

Thanks for the ride.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. We're like. And it hit us. We're like, guys, if a train comes killing everybody. Yeah, this is fucked. And we're like, we gotta call 911. And whoever's driving is like, I'm drunk as fuck. And they're like, all right, you leave.

[Kevin Ryan]

You guys are just all in the backseat.

[Ari Shafir]

Who's this tourist?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know whose car this is. I don't know how we got here. But, officer, we need help.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, we had to call, like, we're on the trip. Like, first you gotta call Amtrak, tell him not to come. Right now, we all tried. We got everyone out of the party at Bridgetown. We tried to, like, lift it. And turns out comedians are incredibly weak.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, what about them broads that they. They get stuck and they flip the.

[H. Foley]

Car themselves, push it back.

[Ari Shafir]

Well, you have to be a mom with a kid underneath it. That Superman strength.

[H. Foley]

You couldn't push it back?

[Ari Shafir]

No, it was skidding. It was like, pushing. The whole thing we just couldn't do. Was fucked. Cops came like, who's drove? And we found, like, someone else came out of the party. Like, I drove.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sir, this is clearly a sober person's action.

[Ari Shafir]

I am sober. Why do you ask who drove?

[H. Foley]

They still probably got a ticket for it, though, right?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, we got a ticket. But then that guy who droves, like, I'll eat the ticket.

[Kevin Ryan]

That'd be fucked up if he didn't. Hey, buddy, you shouldn't have been driving there.

[H. Foley]

Some bitch stole my car.

[Kevin Ryan]

Officer, where my keys at? I got some trim lined up.

[H. Foley]

How the fuck did my car. I'm home all night with my kids and I gotta hear this shit?

[Kevin Ryan]

I know someone who did that. Gotta, you know, they were. They had been intoxicated. Decades ago, they had been intoxicated, crashed their car, just took off. God. Ran home, reported it stolen.

[Ari Shafir]

That's smart, because if you abandon your car, like, I'm just gonna get out of here. You're like. Like, oh, but the evidence, it's registered. You can't get away from that. There's plenty of things you get away from. Not an accident.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think the cops knew the whole time. The cops are like, you were in the car. He's like, buddy, I was snoozing. I don't know what to tell you.

[Ari Shafir]

Do you have evidence of that?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's like, your fingerprints in there. No, it's my car.

[H. Foley]

We had that in high school too. My buddy was driving. He was a little. He had a couple chardonnays in him. And we pulled him.

[Kevin Ryan]

Which we don't condone, by the way. Don't threw that out there.

[H. Foley]

Different time, of course. Don't be silly.

[Kevin Ryan]

To use my platform for good.

[H. Foley]

We pulled into a Denny's and this cop pulled in behind us. And we literally both got out from our perspective doors and just met. And he's like, say you were driving. And I'm like, all right, no problem. And the guy was right behind us. He's like, hey, what are you doing? And I'm like, nothing.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm driving.

[H. Foley]

Wait, you. Who's driving? I'm like, I was. He's like, really? And just fucking bought it. I remember we went inside. We're like this fucking moron.

[Kevin Ryan]

One time we tried to take a cut through. Me and my buddy were leaving a house party real fucked up in our hometown. I think we were like, back. Back for college or something.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Try to take a cut through of what we remembered.

[H. Foley]

Closing all the ass, huh?

[Kevin Ryan]

We remember as a kid of like, oh, we used to cut through here, like on our way home from school. But then, like, you just would, you know, was like in a car. No, we were walking and we're like, oh, we're walking back. And we're like, oh, yeah. It's like, I think if you go behind this house, it'll dump you off.

[Ari Shafir]

On that road or whatever, but sort of not.

[Kevin Ryan]

And we thought there was like a little path through the woods you would walk. And there was, and it just like got thicker and thicker. And then, dude, we were just stuck in acres of sticker bushes and went, dude, every walk you just ripped in and in and in. Then to my buddy fell, and he's like, just leave me, man. I'm never gonna make. We were calling people at the party like, where are you at? We're like, you gotta send hell. No idea where we were.

[Ari Shafir]

Those stickers, you'll find them after the laundry still on there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Worst part about it, we got back to my buddies, it was like a two, two and a half hour ordeal. And we're so up, we're bleeding. Like, it's just our blood. So it's like we got a tattoo drunk. We're just bleeding everywhere.

[H. Foley]

So you girls go to St. Joe's huh?

[Kevin Ryan]

I got a dandelion hanging out of my eye. And they go. So we get back to my buddy's house and we jump in the pool to like, wash off. And his dad had just shocked the pool and we started crying. His dad's like, you fought? We're like, it was bad night.

[Ari Shafir]

Well, because too much like Glorian too much.

[Kevin Ryan]

He had just dumped like open wounds. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Quad.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do we re. I mean, my mom was like. That was. My mom was like, you have a problem. Look at your legs.

[Ari Shafir]

I want to say something about the. Are you Garbage card game.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is the old card game. New card game coming soon. Sign up for the announcement on our garbage dot com.

[Ari Shafir]

Third same or just new?

[Kevin Ryan]

New question.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay, but if you own the old one, it's still great.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Gets more. It's like a settlers of Catan. You get add ons.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, you get another 50 something.

[Ari Shafir]

Well, I just saw this one random. I haven't looked at it. I just been shuffling like a champ. Have you ever owned a Snuggie and I. It's a Snuggie is one of the best party gifts. If you're going to a cabin or going to a. You're not wrong. You bring everyone a Snuggie. They have a flaming hot Cheetos one I found recently and everyone's. No one's upset with it. Like I'm for sure gonna use even for just this weekend. It's 30 bucks.

[Kevin Ryan]

Funny pictures. You post a picture, everyone laughs.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Look at guys. Too hot.

[H. Foley]

That's my only thing.

[Ari Shafir]

They get too hot, take them off. Open back. The flaming hot Cheetos Snuggie is a new development in the all plain.

[Kevin Ryan]

You. I never had an all. I mean, I had one in college. Mine was an Eagles one. Go Birds.

[H. Foley]

Go Bears.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Yeah. Mine was an Eagles one.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. There's a few gifts that are like just will always work Snuggies for a party.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're not wrong. That's a good time.

[H. Foley]

Snuggies is a good time.

[Ari Shafir]

I got it for a comedian's basketball league once. I got them all.

[H. Foley]

Slippers too.

[Ari Shafir]

Slippers is solid. A robe for a real present. No one has one. A real thick robe. Someone as a child. I gotta do this for Norman. Someone as a child. Get him a collection of books. Like Goodnight Moon.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ah, sure.

[Ari Shafir]

Like all those kind of books. The caterpillar one. Whatever the fuck that one was.

[H. Foley]

Caterpillar one.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

There's a potter.

[Ari Shafir]

And then they'll all be like, oh, my God, this is so thoughtful. No, it's not. I thought of it for someone else.

[Kevin Ryan]

I did this five years ago and it worked. Idiot.

[H. Foley]

Sucker. Idiot.

[Ari Shafir]

Dumb. You're gonna be a bad leader for your child.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is the one I was looking for for funerals. This is from Bassorah. $5 trash. Is it garbage? If your step grandmother bad. That's a bad statement right there.

[Ari Shafir]

Are these all Patreon?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

If you sign up on Patreon, sign.

[Ari Shafir]

Up for patreon.com/are you garbage? You can ask questions. And if you don't sign up for patreon.com/are you garbage? You cannot.

[Kevin Ryan]

You cannot ask questions.

[Ari Shafir]

Well, of those two options, I'd say signing up for patreon.com allyourgarbage is better for getting questions asked than not signing up for Patreon. All your garbage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Don't bleep that.

[H. Foley]

You know what else is great? You know what else is?

[Kevin Ryan]

Print it.

[H. Foley]

America's Sweetheart on Netflix starring Ari Shaffir.

[Ari Shafir]

Thank you.

[Kevin Ryan]

I love it.

[Ari Shafir]

What's the question for this loser?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's just from.

[H. Foley]

How dare you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Five dollar trash. Never have one red. Is it garbage if your step grandmother's ashes were sprinkled at her favorite slot machine in Atlantic City after her funeral? Double dot, dot, dot. They even allowed this kind of behavior.

[H. Foley]

What the fuck? Somebody's got to vacuum that up though.

[Ari Shafir]

There's so many levels as you sprinkled already ashes at your favorite slot. All garbage at Atlantic City. Double garbage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Step grandmother.

[Ari Shafir]

Step grand. That's quadruple garbage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now I have step grandmothers. I've had multiple step grandmothers in my past.

[H. Foley]

She was definitely in a rascal towards the end of her days for sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Lung cancer guy.

[Ari Shafir]

It's a grandfather that remarried or it's.

[Kevin Ryan]

No to me. I mean to me is my step parents. Mother.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

I had one. Now I have an ex step grand stepmother. They got his. They got divorced.

[Ari Shafir]

Stop getting Christmas presents then.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I never got Christmas presents from that side.

[H. Foley]

You get some hard candy from her though? Maybe.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, nice. A Brax.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, maybe.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm so sorry.

[H. Foley]

I love a Brax.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, you are not sorry. You are a rude individual who I've heard is mean to blackjack dealers and or slot machine. Yeah, that's very. Listen. I like that though. That is fun. Trash.

[H. Foley]

You gotta vacuum it up. It's not gonna stay.

[Ari Shafir]

You're not gonna vacuum it up at a slot machine. Let it go. They gotta vacuum it up.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Kevin Ryan]

She's gonna get vacuumed up.

[Ari Shafir]

Well, you gotta do it a little bit at a time.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. So it's like it's gonna get in.

[Ari Shafir]

That can't make a pot. Yeah, get it in the carpet. Get it in the.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're sitting there kicking, like, rubbing it in.

[Ari Shafir]

Who has also, who has a favorite slot?

[Kevin Ryan]

Everybody that plays slot.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. What do you mean?

[Ari Shafir]

Every single person they weighed over someone's shoulder, like.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that's my machine.

[Ari Shafir]

Like a telephone booth.

[H. Foley]

For sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

They wait, they watch out. It's not prime.

[H. Foley]

That whole culture's all in the back.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a lot.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, my aunt loves the slots.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

It's an old person's dream because you get to stay there for a while playing nickels, and you can build up points.

[Kevin Ryan]

So it's like you feel like you're getting something back and you're doing it.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't like the development of where they. They give you a readout. Do the coins. Do the coins. We want to feel the thing. And also, I want this. I don't want buttons. I want to.

[Kevin Ryan]

That. Yeah. Feel.

[H. Foley]

I like the bucket, too. The bucket always Bucket. Great soda cup. When you get back, the bucket that they give you. Oh, for your coins.

[Ari Shafir]

That's a soda cup. It's a wide double, double soda.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it's a bucket. It's not a cup. That's crazy.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Ari Shafir]

That's more of a popcorn thing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Think about how many. Many coins have been in there. You ain't getting Wash it out. No dishwashers getting that metallic taste. No way, dude. The amount of quarters that have been in there.

[H. Foley]

Cold soda right there.

[Ari Shafir]

Do you guys ever ice. Do you guys ever take back the things from like. Like a popcorn thing from a ball game? Take it home with you and, like, use that as your popcorn serving thing until. Until your chick goes. No, this. We're dropping this.

[H. Foley]

Wait, from like the. Like a regular.

[Ari Shafir]

Yike.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, like a plastic one. Like a plastic one.

[H. Foley]

One that's coming home with me.

[Ari Shafir]

It's coming home.

[H. Foley]

Throwing that out.

[Kevin Ryan]

I used to do that. I mean cups.

[H. Foley]

Same thing with the little helmets.

[Ari Shafir]

Little helmets. Come on.

[H. Foley]

What am I an.

[Ari Shafir]

You gotta take it. You've never ever, though, served yourself ice cream in one of those cups.

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[Ari Shafir]

And you should. And you should. And we've all missed out on that opportunity.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, you shouldn't. I love those small serving size.

[H. Foley]

You're old enough to. You remember the little football helmets, right, that you get in the vending machines?

[Kevin Ryan]

They were the best.

[Ari Shafir]

And you get enough of them where you could keep the Standings on your shelf of like, who's up, who's in first, who's in second, who's in third, who's in fourth, who's in fifth.

[H. Foley]

It's almost impossible to collect all them, though.

[Ari Shafir]

It was.

[H. Foley]

It was a crap.

[Ari Shafir]

They never give you a Cardinals or Houston.

[H. Foley]

Houston. Orlando's were tough to get to.

[Ari Shafir]

I always love that when the Cardinals moved to Arizona and that they would have like D A L verse Ari. And I'm like, nice.

[H. Foley]

Everything's coming up Ari, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

The things you think are cool when you're a kid. Kevin. Kevin's Pub. Take a picture.

[H. Foley]

Like you.

[Kevin Ryan]

You tell the. You tell your cousins. Eyes in Toledo. And I was at Kevin's Pub.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, It's a pretty normal name.

[Kevin Ryan]

Or thinking of you finding like, you'd be at a rest stop. I still do it from time to time. Be at a rest stop. And like, they had the license plate. That's. And you're like, I'm on it. There's always a Kevin, bro.

[Ari Shafir]

For 25 years, you can't find it. I'm looking for an Ari. I stop every. Every one they have. No, no, no, Not Chinatown. Air airports, Foreign.

[Kevin Ryan]

You gotta try his one.

[H. Foley]

Wait, Foreign.

[Ari Shafir]

The best I've got is Ariana. I'm like, come on, give me one. Fucking Ari. Personalized fuck.

[Kevin Ryan]

Never got one.

[H. Foley]

Check the Bennegans in Tel Aviv. That's not happening.

[Ari Shafir]

The Simpsons have one of those where it's like, Bart's looking for one. He's like, barry Ben Bort. And he goes, what's this? And he goes. And someone else comes like, my son is also named Bort.

[H. Foley]

I agree with that.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's pretty good.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, Simpsons is all right. They're gonna last.

[Kevin Ryan]

We got time for a couple more here. This one is. This is a. I. I wanted to do this one earlier. I forgot about.

[Ari Shafir]

Are you. Garbage is the best podcast going right now.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, thanks.

[Ari Shafir]

Always it's meaningless. You don't waste anything. It's just friends hanging out, drinking expired ale.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's go some old meads.

[Ari Shafir]

Because I don't.

[H. Foley]

And he could mix and match here. Make a suicide.

[Kevin Ryan]

Also, you can't have two of the same beers. It's contractually we're not allowed to do it. Well, last time you were here, we drank everything. But these beers. We drank everything out that we had.

[Ari Shafir]

Still say we got to have a party one day, full party. How clue do these mics? If people are talking right there, we.

[Kevin Ryan]

Can figure it out. Drop some boom mics.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ari wants to have a party in here and film it.

[Ari Shafir]

I want to have fun.

[Kevin Ryan]

No comics are going to, like, let go and have a good time.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yes, they will. Yes, they will.

[H. Foley]

Can't be doing bumps and shit like that.

[Ari Shafir]

Yes, we can.

[H. Foley]

All right.

[Ari Shafir]

Right behind any of the cameras over there.

[H. Foley]

Hey, convince me.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, I'm sold. Let's get it back.

[Ari Shafir]

That's the bump room. This is the not bump room. Yeah. And we'll just have a good time and then Tuple people will be on. We'll swap out the fucking art. Tutty's gone. We're having a house party.

[H. Foley]

It's not a bad idea, Kevin.

[Kevin Ryan]

Why are you looking at me? You just want the blow.

[Ari Shafir]

I've been pushing it for a while. Yeah, the blow. That's all part of it.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm putting that life behind me. I'm not drinking. I'm smoking anymore.

[Ari Shafir]

Ari, you're not.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm drinking, just not as much.

[Ari Shafir]

All right, Have a beer. It. I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's what I'm getting off of. I'm getting off of having a beer.

[H. Foley]

Having today's house party.

[Ari Shafir]

So what are you doing?

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm just having like 10, 11 when I have them.

[Ari Shafir]

Dude, we all went out to celebrate my birthday, my special.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thanks for the invite.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, special.

[Kevin Ryan]

You want me to have a party? You want to invite me to your party?

[Ari Shafir]

I got Austin, Texas.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got invited.

[H. Foley]

I was there. We had a good time. Time.

[Ari Shafir]

It was awesome.

[Kevin Ryan]

We're so glad Kevin's not here.

[H. Foley]

It was all Christmas beers.

[Ari Shafir]

I did Tupac, I did Joe Rogan podcast, which you guys never been on. It did kill Tony, which you have been on. And then we all went out Tuesday. We're with Hassan, Tony, Matt, Egger, Wolfie, a few other people. Good hang and a great hang. Great Derosa, which is the best guy to drink with? He's in my credits. My special love is drinking with Derosa.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did we make the credits special?

[H. Foley]

Thanks. How you doing?

[Ari Shafir]

If I had a podcast part, it definitely would have been, I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, this just got awkward. Wasn't invited to the premiere party. I wasn't in the credits.

[Ari Shafir]

I was watching the credits with Tony. We were watching late at night after we drank.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know, I love his sandwich.

[Ari Shafir]

And it was all these comedians. I love. Tony's, like, waiting and he's like. So I wasn't on there. Like, William Montgomery is on there and I'm not on there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really.

[Ari Shafir]

It's just things.

[H. Foley]

I respect it.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think we were on the Last one. Or we were on some somebody's Burts. Mr. Somebody's.

[H. Foley]

No, Bert's.

[Kevin Ryan]

We're on someone else's as well.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Anyway, I thought for sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

I get the nod from Mr. Shafi.

[Ari Shafir]

We were out, we were drinking. We were making toast. Assan, you know what?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't care anymore.

[Ari Shafir]

All right, next story, next story. Let's have a party.

[Kevin Ryan]

This story bores me. Was I there? Was I talked about.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, but it sounds like I don't drink anymore. It was like he's like only special occasions. And we're like like.

[Kevin Ryan]

So this is a special occasion.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah, right. Let's do it. Let's have a house party. Let's have a Tuddy's house.

[Kevin Ryan]

I want to have a. I want to have a card game here.

[H. Foley]

That's a pretty good idea.

[Ari Shafir]

You built this place for a card game?

[Kevin Ryan]

Get a dealer, scream at them or.

[H. Foley]

Just get some bumps.

[Ari Shafir]

Dude, we're doing blow. No, we're doing blow.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, we got to keep the big man alive.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, we're doing blow. We're going to test it for fentanyl. And if it comes up with that squiggly line, you can't tell we're doing it one at a time.

[Kevin Ryan]

One at a time. 10 minute intervals.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, 10 minute and a twine. That's risky. You gotta wait an hour to see an hour.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got bloated too.

[Ari Shafir]

Everybody catch up.

[H. Foley]

We'll put the Fitbit on.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay. Does the fentanyl gang the special, huh?

[Kevin Ryan]

Hold on. I wanted to. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I wanted to do this one.

[H. Foley]

That was a big closer right there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Already comes, we get all screwed.

[H. Foley]

I was broadcast. Broadcasting 101 right there.

[Kevin Ryan]

101. You pulled it in the middle of a goddamn question.

[Ari Shafir]

Switch off who's on air.

[Kevin Ryan]

This could be like a goddamn party.

[Ari Shafir]

It'll be a seven hour broadcast.

[H. Foley]

Get sandwiches.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I'll get sandwiches. We'll get Joey roast. Sandwiches. Have shit there, shit there. Just a non stop party.

[H. Foley]

Get a dunk.

[Ari Shafir]

Take the mic. Yeah. You guys might not be on at some points. Just get in there. We'll do like little intervals.

[H. Foley]

Knock us out. Hey, it's our party.

[Ari Shafir]

Do this. The more I say, it shoves us. Yeah, lock you guys in the bathroom.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's the Christmas beers talking.

[Ari Shafir]

Where's H. Foley? He's like, don't open that door. I'm dead. Guys. H would have wanted us to keep going.

[H. Foley]

I'm a little Jewish kid in there watching me. Can't leave him Alone. Look at that right there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Boom.

[H. Foley]

America's sweetheart.

[Kevin Ryan]

Boom.

[H. Foley]

That's how I close it. We'll see you out on the roof.

[Ari Shafir]

We still have no.

[Kevin Ryan]

This one's good.

[H. Foley]

What do you got? Here we go.

[Kevin Ryan]

You ever have them sandwiches? Now this is ours. Jesus Christ. This guy's got a problem. This guy's bonkers. This is from Prison Wolf. Double zero. One use. Ever almost drown? That's a good one we've never talked about. When I was eight years old, Splash lagoon almost took me out for good.

[Ari Shafir]

A fake water park.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's how they get you.

[Ari Shafir]

That's how they get you.

[Kevin Ryan]

The rules are bad.

[H. Foley]

They always die in a lazy river.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, I feel like that is a trashier type thing.

[Ari Shafir]

I thought when you ever drowned, it was like the surf kept tossing me.

[H. Foley]

I've. That. I've had that before.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Frightening.

[Ari Shafir]

And you're like, oh, this ocean is. Yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

This is it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Come up. Your underwear, your bathing suits, all fucking.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

When you're a kid, somebody pulls you down in the pool.

[Kevin Ryan]

You come up so panicked, and everyone's laying effing. That's a. That's a tough one.

[H. Foley]

The crazy thing in the water is sometimes nobody sees you. Nobody notices. You just had the most dramatic experience of your life. And everyone's like, what the. Are you done?

[Kevin Ryan]

You're. You're seeing Jesus, dude.

[Ari Shafir]

You try to come in angry and everyone's like, no, we're having a good time.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, stop it, stop it, stop it.

[H. Foley]

I used to hate getting dunked in the water. That's my biggest fear. My older kids would get into the. The community pool, start dunking. Young kids.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sometimes when you were. You're a younger kid swimming with the big boys, the waves would get to you. They'd start. They'd start a wave pool. And like, I didn't. I didn't have the buoyancy to go up. They start chopping you. You're like a dog.

[H. Foley]

Your.

[Kevin Ryan]

Your pat, your fight or flight is cooking.

[H. Foley]

And you think.

[Kevin Ryan]

You think that's it. And everyone's having a good time.

[Ari Shafir]

And you're like, I am going to die.

[Kevin Ryan]

Meanwhile, you're on the three foot above ground pool.

[Ari Shafir]

It's just as uncomfortable. I'm going to die, gang.

[H. Foley]

The special is America's Sweetheart. There it is. See how you do that right there?

[Ari Shafir]

Boom.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wait, I got one more.

[H. Foley]

America Sweetheart. Ari Shafir on Netflix streaming right now. Do yourself a favor. Go over there and check it out. Plus, we're on the road.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes. Let me hit the cities real quick.

[H. Foley]

Go ahead.

[Kevin Ryan]

We are going to Pontiac, Michigan, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Cleveland. Pick. Pittsburgh, Atlantic City, Madison, Wisconsin and Indianapolis. All tickets are on sale right now. That'll be in March and April. All tickets on sale. Are you garbage.com?

[H. Foley]

Ari'S got them, too. Hit him. Ari Braya.

[Ari Shafir]

Nashville, San Antonio, Tampa, Denver, Schaumburg, Atlanta, Portland, San Jose, Orlando, Seattle, Vancouver, Calgary, Edmonton, Anchorage. And then I'm done for a year and a half.

[H. Foley]

Luke, cut all that. We love you. Love you. See you next time.

[Kevin Ryan]

Peace.