Are You Jewish? w/ Ari Shaffir!

Summary

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Are You Garbage? — “Are You Jewish?” w/ Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: April 2, 2026
Guests: Kevin Ryan, H. Foley, Ari Shaffir

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Episode Overview

This raucous episode marks the return of comedian Ari Shaffir, who puts his hosts Kevin Ryan and H. Foley through a new twist on their usual "Are You Garbage?" test—this time to answer: Are You Jewish? Amidst hilarious tales, irreverent banter, and plenty of digressions, the gang explores everything from international travel stories to the quirks of Jewish identity. Ari shares his travel adventures, new projects, and orchestrates an impromptu Jewishness quiz, all while busting each other's chops in classic Are You Garbage? style.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Ari’s Return: The Watch, Retirement, and Rich Guy Jokes

• Ari’s flashy appearance and thrift store chic sparks jokes about his “wealth” and rumors about his possible retirement.
  • “Could you retire right now? Could you ride off into the sunset financially?” (A, 03:42)
  • Ari jokes he could last six months if he moved to Guatemala or Berlin, provided his new show makes money.
• Ari teases his new storytelling show, The End, sharing that comics like Shane Gillis and Tom Segura worked for minimal pay—“I am legitimately broke now. It was all my money, and then I had to borrow the rest from Tom.” (C, 09:41)

2. Travel Tales & Living Dirtbag Abroad

• Ari reflects on minimalist backpacking, keeping only a few clothes, notebooks, and the Are You Garbage? card game, which he spread to hostels worldwide.
  • “There is trash from France and the Netherlands and fucking Belgium and everywhere in the fucking world, that’s trash. And the Latin American ones, they know it too.” (C, 15:57)
• They marvel at how the “garbage” way of life is universal. Ari’s Are You Garbage? game is a hit with hostel travelers, laughably revealing “trash” exists in every culture.

3. Spreading Kindness: Paying It Forward

• Ari recalls being given $300 by Kevin and H. before his travels, instructed to do random acts of kindness.
  • “Give it out to people who deserve it...pay it forward.” (B, 18:13)
• Ari recounts giving a big tip to a street flutist and most notably, an encounter in Guatemala with “the coolest guy”—a Somali jazz musician and coffee shop owner named Stormy.
  • “This dude is so fucking pure and legitimately the coolest man I've ever met...I gave him $100 US. And he lost his mind. He goes, allah bless you. All the blessings in eternity.” (C, 25:47)

4. Garbage Economics & Classic Cheapness

• Long-form riff about street hustlers, gold in the Diamond District, and cheap living.
• Stories of arguing with food vendors about price and the “Jewish” inclination to talk people down—a running bit for the “Are You Jewish?” segment:
  • “I go, I live here. And I think he was like, all right, give me five bucks or something. There was a concession.” (B, 38:04)
• H. Foley and Kevin debate the merits of paying more for better tickets when free ones exist, with Ari insisting, “Why would I get better tickets when I already have free tickets?” (A, 34:38)

5. "Are You Jewish?" The Game

• Ari puts on a makeshift tallit and leads Kevin and H. through a rapid-fire quiz on Jewish tropes and behaviors:
  • Shared cultural guilt and eating: “Catholic mother and Jewish mother are very, very similar.” (A, 32:04)
  • Academic achievements, business sense, misleadingly frugal yet sometimes bad at managing money, and humorous coping mechanisms.
  • Property taxes, scalp ticket buying, and grocery shopping at convenience stores all play into his satirical “Jewish audit.”
• Memorable back-and-forth about a $100 Uber ride, faulty phone chargers, and who ultimately owes whom:
  • “I considered even.” (A, 54:28)
  • “So I’m down 188.” (C, 54:40)
  • “He’s good at business!” (B, 54:27)

6. Verdicts and Identity

• After the probing quiz, Ari delivers his comedic judgements:
  • “H. Foley, this pains me. You are. You are not a Jew.” (C, 58:00)
  • “Kevin Ryan, you are a Jew. I’ve got you this....Welcome to the tribe.” (C, 58:38, 59:06)
• The gang revels in Kevin’s new status, with everyone trying on the yarmulke and breaking into laughter.

7. Meta-Commentary: Influence and Legacy

• The hosts praise Ari’s risk-taking in self-funding his new show, acknowledging his influence:
  • “You laid the groundwork for what we also create here. We always quote you...take a loan out to make The End. I respect it.” (B, 60:52)
• Joking about business acumen and how “garbage” traits transcend culture, with nods to Catholic guilt, Jewish identity, and classic New York hustler culture.

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Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• On Garbage Universality:
  • “There is trash from France and the Netherlands and fucking Belgium and everywhere in the world, that's trash.” — Ari, (15:57)
• On Frugality:
  • “Why would I get better tickets when I already have free tickets?” — H. Foley, (34:38)
• On Spreading Joy:
  • “My friend Kevin Ryan said, if I see somebody worthy, I should give it to him. This man is a blessed man, this Kevin Ryan.” — Ari, retelling Stormy's words, (25:58)
• On Getting Scammed/Business Savvy:
  • “You think you have a good business sense?” — Ari, (43:46)
  • “I think you have the worst business sense of the two.” — Ari, pointed at H., (44:21)
• $100 Uber story:
  • “You are arguing about money...if you could put in post some of these on him while he's doing that. The pay us.” — Ari, (54:44)
• On who’s “Jewish”:
  • “You are not a Jew.” — Ari, (58:00)
  • “Kevin Ryan, you are a Jew. I’ve got you this...Welcome to the tribe.” — Ari, (58:38, 59:06)

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Important Segments with Timestamps

| Time | Segment | |------------|--------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:51 | Ari’s new show The End and its all-star lineup | | 15:45 | Ari describes using Are You Garbage? game in hostels | | 18:04 | Ari tells of paying it forward with $300 from the hosts | | 23:02 | Ari meets “the coolest guy”—San Marcos, Guatemala story | | 29:33 | “Are You Jewish?” game segment begins | | 43:46 | Business acumen discussion — Who’s got “Jewy” business sense | | 54:06 | The $100/180 Uber saga—debate about who “won” the exchange | | 58:00 | Final verdict—who is Jewish? | | 60:52 | Last segment—praise for Ari's trailblazing/self-funded art |

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Tone and Style

• Irreverent, self-deprecating, rowdy, and fast-paced.
• All three comedians riff mercilessly, often interrupting, making fun of each other’s clothes, habits, backgrounds, and financial choices.
• Ari’s dry sarcasm meets the big-hearted, boisterous style of the hosts.
• Good-natured, occasionally absurd, but always affectionate—even as they needle one another over money, religion, or “garbage” status.

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Summary Takeaways

• This episode lampoons cultural habits, identity, stereotypes, and the fine art of being a lovable dirtbag.
• Ari’s wild traveler’s tales and the trio’s money mishaps become a prism for exploring what it “means” to be Jewish (and Garbage) in America.
• The hosts’ witty banter provides plenty of laughs but also gently lampoons cultural divisions in a spirit of inclusiveness.

Fans of Are You Garbage? will love the wit, warmth, and biting humor—plus the “Are You Jewish?” twist. Ari’s backpacking stories, him bestowing the honorary yarmulke, and the money mishaps are all classic moments.

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Transcript

[A]

Attention, attention, dirt bags of America. The Garbage Boys are back on the road for that Back on the Block tour.

[B]

Yes. We have Chicago, Illinois, at the Vic Theater. Limited seating available. That's next week, baby.

[A]

Let's go.

[B]

Bloomington, Indiana. And we got Los Angeles, California. All tickets [e-mail]. we'll see you there.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage. Are you Our little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a group to be classy. They're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Stage Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tooties back in the new edition. The leak has been fixed.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Everything looks beautiful. The Boys did a fantastic job, too. Is very excited. She's upstairs in a room watching Two for the Money.

[B]

Okay. Is that the al Pacino Matthew McConaughey vehicle?

[A]

Yes, that's the one.

[B]

Okay. Very fishy. He's got it on dvd, I presume. I don't think that's streaming anywhere.

[A]

Stream it on Netflix. I watch it this weekend. Mike Kos is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are you Garbage? An international businessman, and God damn it,

[B]

he's my best pal in the whole

[A]

wide world, and I love him. Give it up for kj. Kevin James Ryan.

[B]

What up, gang? Shout out to you as always, please make sure you rate review. Subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. And the boys are in the middle part of the charts, baby.

[A]

That's not necessarily true.

[B]

I think we're all. What are you talking about? We're cooking over there.

[A]

Slipping a little bit.

[B]

Worst summer ever.

[A]

We need a hit.

[B]

That's how we call an Ari Shaffer. And then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. are you garbage? You go over there, get all that bonus content. And the boys are on the road. We're coming to Chicago and Indiana. Get those tickets next week. We'll see you there.

[A]

Absolutely. We got the big LA show coming up, too.

[B]

Ah, the big race back to LA

[A]

for the Netflix is a joke fest. Grab tickets for that. But, gang, we couldn't be more excited of our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. He showed up out of the bushes.

[B]

It looks like he got out of a Cadillac. If I'm being honest, this is the richest I've ever seen.

[A]

This guy, he's running a couple of broads on the Upper west side.

[B]

This is crazy.

[C]

I do look good.

[B]

This is wild, dude.

[A]

Somebody get in on Raytheon, huh? Just in time.

[C]

It's a thrift store shirt. It was a yard sale, gang.

[A]

He has a brand new his. God damn it.

[B]

Best in the biz.

[A]

His new storytelling show, the End is on pre sale right [e-mail]. make sure you. You sign up and you pre sale it.

[B]

You can save money if you sign up today, gang. It's on special.

[C]

Seven episodes, one hour each, six bucks each or 30 bucks for the season or the pre sale. Right now, just 24.99.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

That's a lot of value.

[C]

350 an episode for Shane Gillis, Nate Bargazi, Tony Hinchcliffe, Tom Segura. These guys will be watching.

[A]

We'll be in the live stream.

[B]

I'll be in the chat.

[C]

Everybody, literally everybody in comedy. You guys make sure to click on that and watch me.

[B]

And you always trust a guy in a gold shirt too.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, Ari Shafir.

[C]

Thank you, everybody. Thank you.

[A]

Back from the unknown.

[C]

Oh, I've got some stories for you guys.

[B]

First of all, he's got the watch.

[A]

He's got the watch.

[B]

Which. That was your going away present when you retired.

[C]

So many people were like, so you legitimately retired. So many people.

[B]

I think like joke world or somebody did a re shift. Somebody like, honestly did a take on Ari Shavir's retired.

[C]

Yeah. For real. There was like, I guess he's done. I don't understand.

[A]

Could you retire right now? Could you. Could you ride off into the sunset financially?

[C]

If I went back to Guatemala?

[A]

Yeah. That watch.

[C]

I got to make my money back from the end first because otherwise this will.

[A]

I'm probably.

[C]

I'm probably good for like six months. If I get that money back, I'll be okay then. Guatemala is calling.

[B]

Okay, well, that's good.

[A]

Is that where you would end up if you. If you ever did decide to retire? Would you end up at a place like that?

[C]

No, I'd be like Mexico City or Berlin.

[A]

Berlin.

[B]

That's expensive.

[A]

Yeah, but expensive in Berlin.

[B]

Not compared to this Boca for a guy.

[C]

Like, you'd have to be somewhere. Like, I mean, retire, retired. Like, I can't do anything anymore.

[B]

What is. What is? No, let's just say.

[C]

Let's say, you know, stand up.

[B]

No, you can do stuff. The industry chews you up and spits

[A]

you out just like you're not going

[B]

to the end it's no more. It's. It tanks. It's horrible. You can't get any.

[C]

They find out about my fish fucking habit. And they're like, no, you're out. It's disgusting.

[A]

Morally, that's bad.

[B]

You're off the what? It's so slippery, but it feels so good.

[A]

Sexual proclivities were all washed these days,

[B]

and you had to post up somewhere in a town, but you could still work that town.

[C]

Still work that town, right?

[B]

A la our good friend Tom. Dustin.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Where would you, like. You're like. You could post up and you'd host the weekly comedy night or so.

[C]

Yeah, Berlin.

[A]

Berlin. Berlin.

[C]

Berlin has some decent stuff.

[B]

But you got that tall Indian guy that does have all those shows. Who? I don't know. There's a tall Indian guy out there.

[C]

Russell Peters?

[B]

No, some local guy. Cosmic comedy.

[C]

I would do his show. No, but that place, dude, if you're into imbibing the stuff. I imbibe. That's the spot for freaky sex stuff. Oh, yeah. Just watching people all up on some drug somebody just handed you, and you're like, I'll take it sight unseen. Hitting you and just like, what are those two people right now? Yeah, I love it.

[A]

I have to laugh a little bit.

[C]

Or somewhere cool.

[A]

To Latin America, maybe, just to break the fourth wall, which I thought of. This was very sweet. You know, I'm trying to lay off the booze and all that stuff these days and trying to, you know, get focused and, you know, lay off the booze and all that stuff. And we saw each other at our

[B]

show last Thursday night.

[C]

Are you Garbage and Friends? One of the best live shows in New York City.

[A]

Yes, sir. Down there at the Comedy Cellar. Shout out to them.

[B]

Yeah. Fat black ball.

[C]

Fun, relaxed. And there's always a couple of people that show up not knowing what the fuck it is. Why are they asking us questions?

[A]

And we went in and we sat down at the Olive Tree. It was you? It was the three of us and our good pal Colin Chamberlain. You guys were having some beers. I was having a chamomile tea.

[C]

Nice. Yeah.

[A]

Ari had like six beers. And then as I just. I was leaving, he's like, let me take a walk with you. And I'm like, okay. He walks me on the corner, he goes, how's your sobriety going? And in my head I'm like, aren't you the guy that left a bag of drugs here and then disappeared into South America?

[C]

How were those D's?

[B]

Allegedly.

[C]

Allegedly, Yeah. I just want to check up on you.

[A]

And I appreciated it, man. I love you so much.

[C]

I didn't know. Okay? I came back and there's other guys. Like, what were you guys talking about? I'm like, sports.

[B]

No, I. Anytime a comment.

[A]

I thought that was a setup.

[C]

He goes, did they send you? Like, nobody sent me. I am here.

[B]

Who am I? The government?

[A]

I'm big on. Who sent you? How'd you get here? Who you been talking to?

[C]

Who told you? Who told you that? Though?

[A]

A lot of that these days.

[B]

Mostly. Did my mom put you up to this?

[A]

I'm waiting to walk into intervention. Every. Every corner I turn.

[B]

That's a good life to lead.

[A]

So let's get to the trip a little bit. We were thinking.

[B]

Yeah. So the watch.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So he. Very sweet.

[C]

Let's not forget. To Martin. To Martin on our anniversary, wherever you are.

[B]

And you got it sized. Because last time I saw you, when I saw you in Austin, it wasn't size.

[C]

Oh, I got it size, buddy. Oh, I got it size.

[A]

And how's it going with the time? Is it keeping good time?

[C]

It's keeping excellent time, guys. Today's episode is brought to you by.

[B]

No, it's not.

[C]

If you're looking for a tick and talking that keeps on locking. Locking.

[B]

Look no further.

[C]

Citizen. US Citizen. I know I am.

[A]

It's a guy who's never got a watch.

[C]

Staying on time. I really.

[B]

Presented by ice.

[C]

I'm not out of watch since my grandfather pulled his one out of his butt after he got a Vietnam internment camp. Said, I carry this around for you. Wore it. Just wants to show him I could, but then it was pretty gross.

[B]

Yeah, it's disgusting. Did you get that sized in New York? Yeah, that's one of my favorite things in New York is corporate. You walk in, some guy and he goes, yeah, it takes two. And he goes, five bucks, seven bucks.

[C]

He's like that, yeah, six dollars.

[B]

Yeah, it's all in. He just goes, what do you got? And you open up. He goes, just give me six bucks.

[A]

Sometimes I even do it for free.

[C]

I was like, hoping that was on the on. He was like, nah, you've been here before. You've had your shoes resold. But yeah, he goes like this. And he does. He goes, six bucks. I was like, shoot, I only have a five. Let me give you credit card goes, give me the five.

[B]

Yeah, it's such, like a handshake.

[A]

You knew what you were doing. He had that one in my pocket.

[B]

He didn't see that sucker took that guy for Everything he's worth none.

[C]

The wise sir.

[B]

That's the end, everybody. 24.99.

[C]

If you don't think I need money, you're crazy.

[A]

On [e-mail]. get your presale.

[C]

Seven fucking episodes, dude. I was just doing the sound mix. We'll get back to this.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

So good.

[B]

Hold on. I do want to say you. It is literally the lineup of. It's crazy how you got everybody.

[C]

Arena Comics. I. I'll tell you in a weekend, multiple people that took private jets to come do my show for $500 that I did.

[B]

They take to 500.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. It bothered me. I was like, come on, dude.

[A]

But I'm like, I only have 499.

[C]

Is that cool? No, they all took it. I made them all take it. But it's like, they'll get paid later. Once we start making money.

[B]

I'm sure those guys are chomping at the bit for it.

[C]

Oh, do I tell them Colin Terrell

[B]

probably calls you every day?

[C]

No, Nate was like, you don't have to pay me. I'm like, I'm gonna pay you.

[B]

Nate, he wants his residual check for $41.

[A]

Just going up to Works at the accounting department. He's gonna look for a green slate.

[C]

I am legitimately broke now. I was looking at.

[A]

Are you really?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

No, I mean, I'm down a lot, dude. It was all my money, and then I had to borrow the rest from Tom.

[A]

No shit.

[C]

It was all my money to make this.

[B]

Really? Yeah.

[C]

What kind of points, businessman.

[A]

What kind of points does Tommy give you on something like that?

[C]

I get it all. I got to pay him back.

[B]

No, I mean, you pay him a loan back.

[C]

Okay. I don't know. I'm sure it is. I mean, don't hit up Tom. He's. I'm his friend. He's not going to give you money.

[B]

Now I feel bad because you got me an Uber last two nights ago. He's like, it's 80 bucks, bro.

[C]

It was over 100.

[A]

But when you say you don't have any, I mean you still have, you know, a nice little.

[C]

I have enough where I'm not in danger for the next six, eight months.

[B]

But I can't take you with that watch and that shirt.

[C]

If I didn't go to Latin America and I had to pay my New York rent, I'd be down to about 6 0.

[A]

You look like the Saffee brother, Byron Saffi. Making bad short films.

[B]

It's all porn. It's just his brother's movies that turn into porn. Uncut Wieners.

[C]

Uncut Wieners is such a great term movie title.

[A]

Where did you get that shirt?

[C]

Legitimately, a giant yard sale in the bay called the White Elephant Sale, where they just take dead people's stuff.

[A]

Sweet.

[C]

Yeah, Cavorko, it was sweet. Guys, I have stuff to tell you about this trip. Specifically you.

[B]

I'm too busy making fun of you.

[A]

Ari's turning into the Annabelle doll.

[C]

All right, we'll keep going to making fun of the guest.

[A]

Did you have all your clothes? What did you do with all your clothes and shit like that when you went traveling? Because you only took a duffel bag, right?

[C]

I put a bunch into storage. That was luckily.

[B]

Now we should go buy him at a. Imagine that, opening that shit up. Fuck. I got you feared smelling like ganja.

[C]

All the acid leaked into everything. My friend asked me. He was like, hey, me and a bunch of people are gonna do mushrooms on the road. How much should I do? I'm like, where'd you get those? He goes, from you, from your yard sale, from your going away drug sale. Oh, what a fun time in New York comedy to be. Ari's the elf is coming with baggies. What are you into? I got it.

[B]

That was a lot.

[A]

It was all right. I still have a hit of acid in my house.

[B]

Oh, that's good for a guy getting sober. How's the sobriety going, big guy?

[A]

I haven't taken.

[B]

Hasn't kicked in yet,

[A]

Folks.

[C]

We'll be right back, Mr. Guzz.

[A]

All right.

[C]

What a joy too to walk on. I guess right now the Kill Tony's out. I walked in, surprised everybody.

[B]

That's crazy. That was a. I was unplanned.

[C]

So before I left, Tony asked me, Tony Hinchcliffe, young boy from Austin. He's almost got his driver's license. He said, can you do Kill Tony? And I go, no, I'm about to disappear and I don't want. Your show's very popular and I don't want anybody recognizing before I go. And he goes, so you didn't do anybody else's podcast? I'm like, no, nothing big. But I did make a stop and are you garbage hurtful? And I was like, you didn't even

[B]

pick up on it?

[A]

No, I got you let these old guys.

[C]

I love you guys.

[A]

You let them do their thing.

[C]

So I showed up to surprise kill Tony, and I'm like, who's going to be the guest? And then seeing you guys there was like, the last people I saw. And now the first ones I saw.

[B]

I was shocked.

[C]

Oh, what a joy I gave you.

[B]

He were like, it just from South America or. And I was like, what the fuck?

[A]

That was going to be Adam Ray. Shout out to him.

[B]

Hello?

[C]

Yeah, Tony. They said he slid him a note. I was like, who can get in the bucket? They're like, nobody. The bucket said. I'm like, slide him a note. And then he goes. He reads it and he goes, is this the real. Is this a character or what? They're like, really? Let's see. Oh, what a fun.

[B]

That was great.

[A]

You killed me. Your minute, too.

[C]

It was the first and only minute I've done in eight months. Thanks. I was so nervous, bro. It's been so long. I was nervous up with you guys too.

[B]

Oh, yeah, we had them on stage at the Cellar.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

That was fun. That was a good time. Yeah, that was a real hoot. Two mics, three guys.

[C]

Two mics, three guys, two mike.

[B]

We made it work.

[C]

The seller really has it on. Three mics, two mic feeds.

[A]

Right? Well, we never told him that we needed a third mic. Kind of an unannounced guest. Yeah, it just shows up everywhere.

[C]

Yeah, that's my new thing. I don't get booked. I just show up.

[B]

Well, we did book with you and you said no, but I will come hang out.

[C]

Yeah, I did. Yeah.

[A]

You have that.

[B]

What's worse than Ari Shafir on stage? Ari Shafir hanging out.

[A]

You have that cache. You've been gone so long, you can just show up a place.

[C]

Just show up.

[B]

Hey, you got a huge pop.

[C]

I just came. I did. It was so fun.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, they love you, man.

[C]

I'm going to do these riffing shows because I get the insecure feed of people loving me without having to prepare material. It's really great.

[A]

I think we do it.

[B]

Talk about chasing the welcome to the dark side, big dog.

[A]

Great materials for suckers.

[C]

So I got shit to tell you guys.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Please lay on me.

[C]

So, first of all, when I left bitcoin, I brought with me very little. I was on a backpack with a detachable side pouch that's back there. Actually, it's just. Whatever.

[B]

Osprey. Very nice.

[C]

And what? It sucks. It blows. Sa. Osprey. I was about to wreck them hard.

[A]

Wait, hold on. You're telling me that's all you took with you?

[C]

No, And a big backpack that attached to.

[A]

Okay. Oh, I used to be around tables. God, that hurt.

[B]

I know that feeling. You got to get through it. It gets worse before it gets better.

[C]

It's in the worst point now.

[A]

Are you bleeding?

[C]

No, it's just a real smash.

[B]

This guy's bonkers.

[C]

Who made wood so hard? Okay. Whatever I was gonna do anyway, so I had a couple luxury items.

[A]

Okay?

[C]

So you gotta take everything. One pair of pants, one pair of hiking pants. Like, a few T shirts, some underwear, but you gotta, like, hiking shoes. They're also dark enough to wear out, so. But a couple things. I'm like, this will be nice. A couple notebooks. And I did bring with me something I got from you guys at the end

[A]

of Are you garbage? [e-mail].

[B]

no, they're not.

[C]

They're not what?

[A]

No, they're not.

[C]

They're not available anymore.

[B]

Nah. No, I think only at live shows. There's only a couple of decks left.

[A]

Sweet.

[C]

Sold out. Even better at hostels.

[A]

Plenty of bug man shirts still available, though.

[C]

Really? That's crazy. I was at hostels and people were all talking. It's all just a bunch of travelers meeting up and talking, and then at some point ripping cigs and just drinking. And then at some point, I go, hey, you know, it'd be fun. I got a game, okay. And I bring it out, and bro unites. There is trash from France and the Netherlands and fucking Belgium and everywhere in the fucking world, that's trash. And the Latin American ones, they know it too. They're like. But sometimes, like, what do you mean? That's a luxury item. Like, not to us.

[B]

Yeah. Killing it.

[C]

Dude, this game is such a dirt bag. It's such a uniform.

[B]

That's awesome.

[C]

Everybody's laughing and joking, and then like, oh, we have a version of that in this.

[B]

It's there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Or they go, well, like, the one of them was like, have you ever fully grocery shopped at a convenience store?

[B]

Mm.

[C]

And it was like, yeah. And somebody's like, why wouldn't you do that?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Grocery store is double in our country now. This fucking rule.

[B]

Awesome. Love to hear that.

[A]

Love to hear it.

[B]

Spread it around. Tell your friends, tell your fellow countrymen.

[C]

You at least gotta have an online version. That's crazy.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, they're. We have thought about an app, obviously.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. But then you're like, app guys.

[C]

And then can I tell you what you really want to do when Zuckerberg gets involved?

[B]

Yeah. Everybody wets their beak on it. Apple wants 30%.

[C]

Everybody's like, I got. I got a question. I got a question. Like, write it down. Let's play more.

[A]

Our good pal Luke Combs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Played the game once, and then him and his buddy started doing questions themselves.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which I think we're working on a new. A new deck. And the new deck's gonna have like five to 10 blank ones that you can write your own ones in for your family, like, regionally country, whatever you have that's fun. Have you ever worn a gold shirt? That's up to you.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

Debatable.

[C]

I've been called Luke Comb over.

[B]

Hey, thanks.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

A village.

[A]

All right. When you were producing Led Zeppelin, how

[B]

did you get to sound?

[C]

I got another story for you too. So you gave me 300 bucks before I left.

[A]

Oh, we did?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, you did. Thinking I wouldn't take it, show it. And then. And then. And then I did take it. You're like, give it out to people who, like, deserve it.

[B]

Oh, right. Yeah, give it. I said, good tips. Pay it, pay it forward.

[C]

So the first one was that straight

[A]

to the diamond district.

[B]

He's in one of those videos screaming at a guy, I deserve it.

[C]

I deserve it.

[A]

Give me my money, you scumbag.

[B]

That guy's nuts.

[A]

I love him. He's out gold bars in fucking midtown.

[B]

Do you see? There's a guy who gets his. Makes his money getting the scraps in the. The street.

[C]

Yeah, scraps of gold.

[B]

Like gold diamond, like things over in the diamond district. Yeah. He goes to the cracks in the sidewalk and he's like, it's a horrible life, but you can do it.

[A]

And then, like, makes a very good living legend.

[B]

Allegedly.

[C]

Legend.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

You gotta think if there's that much fucking gold and jewels, there's people taking

[A]

gold out of SIM cards too.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Golden SIM cards.

[C]

I'd give it to everybody, though.

[B]

Everyone who does something you tried to do recently.

[C]

SIM cards? Yeah. But there was this flutist at some festival in. In. In like south eastern Mexico.

[A]

How do you line up all these festivals?

[C]

Nah, it was like a little Miss Mexico, Tiny city.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And so what's a flutist?

[A]

Like a nudist?

[C]

Gu. Playing flute.

[A]

Oh, playing the flute.

[C]

Yeah, and he was rock fluting it, dude.

[B]

Rock flute.

[C]

And I was like, you get. Yeah, dude, you're getting. You're getting a fucking $4.

[B]

How much?

[C]

$5. Whatever the case, it was okay. 100. Everyone's giving him ones. I would gave him 100 of the local of the fucking pesos. And it was like, what the f. I didn't stay for his. I didn't stay for his reaction.

[B]

Good.

[C]

Did that A few people.

[B]

Nice.

[C]

You deserve it. Kevin here would want me to give it to you.

[B]

Hear that?

[A]

You're good, man.

[B]

I'm making change.

[A]

Kevin. Talking about mud water, baby.

[B]

Mud.

[A]

Let's talk about switching up the mornings. I know everybody loves their coffee, all that stuff. But by, you know, by 12 o' clock you're all jittery and stuff like that. I tried Mud water. Abso fantastic. You get kind of a nice cozy boost. You feel focused, you're locked in and you don't have those jitters, man. No, I'm telling you. Do yourself a favor. Give it a shot once. Put the coffee down. Try a little mud water.

[B]

Yes, they had a coffee alternative made with cacao chai, turmeric and functional mushroom mushrooms like lion's mane and reishi. Yeah. You get a warm focus booth with boost without the wired buzz or midday crash. It usually tags along with a regular cup of coffee. Listen, I've been in the position where I'm chasing cups of coffee with cups of coffee.

[A]

No good.

[B]

The stave offs to Crash. The. The. The. It jams you up at Turmeric's.

[A]

Good for you too.

[B]

Every single ingredient in Mud water products are 100% USDA certified organic, non GMO, gluten free, vegan and kosher.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

This also. There's also a zero sugar and no sweeteners added, baby. There's also a caffeine free blends available to use Mud Water. You simply drop the powder into your favorite mug, pour some water on it and give it a. Give it a mix to top with the milk of choice and sweetener. Ready to make the switch to cleaner energy. I know I am.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Head to mudwater.com to grab your starter kit today. That's M u d W T r dot com. Grab your starter kit today. Right now our listeners get an exclusive deal. We're talking up to 43% off your entire order plus free shipping and the rechargeable frother which is big in my household. When you use the code garbage. That's right up to 43% off with the code garbage at M u d w t r.com and after you purchase or gonna ask how you found about them, please support the show and tell them the boys sent you. We love you.

[A]

Yeah. Ken. Let's talk about Lucy Breakers.

[B]

Lucy. Lucy. Lucy in the sky with Breakers Cab.

[A]

We're talking about Lucy Breakers. God damn it. We're talking about 100% pure nicotine, no tobacco. We're talking about Lucy breakers have a little capsule in it give you a little pinch that gives you a little extra flavor and a little extra what? Hydration, dickhead. That's right, because hydration is important when you're doing your nicotine. Do yourself a favor, get over there. I like the mango myself. I'm telling you that right now. That's what I like to do with the little mango.

[B]

Yeah, you can set yourself up with a subscription and have Lucy delivered right to your door.

[A]

You're not gonna get in a gas station like a dirt bowl like you do in the middle of the night.

[B]

Okay, Interesting. We. Although they do have stores near you that you can find your stuff at. Of course, they do have the subscription and they're nice enough to. They lace us every month with a nice package. And I got to tell you, the boys, this is something everybody fights over. Everybody loves the flavor out of. Barry said what you got did it

[A]

like a FEMA truck pulling up. Yeah.

[B]

If you got to hit him with

[A]

the long sticks to get them out of there.

[B]

If you show up late on Lucy Day, you're jammed up. It's the only pass to give you long lasting flavor whenever you need to get 20% off your first order. When you buy online and use the code garbage. And if you don't want to wait, just head to Lucy Co Stores to find a Lucy near you and grab it today. And here's the fine print gang. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Back to the show.

[A]

Back to the show.

[C]

Then I met the coolest guy I've ever met. I'm in San Marcos, Guatemala. It's fucking disgusting.

[A]

I was in Guatemala.

[C]

Hippie town, where all the fucking yoga people are and the tantric dances and shit like that. You were in Guatemala?

[A]

No, no.

[B]

You said the grossest guy you ever seen.

[A]

You said the coolest guy.

[B]

Sorry, I picked up gross.

[C]

This black. Black dude goes, you looking for coffee? Come with me. And he starts walking me through these alleys till it's like. You know when you're like too deep into something?

[B]

No, that's.

[A]

We.

[B]

We live different lives.

[A]

What are you talking about? Yoga.

[C]

This guy starts leading me. It's this like hippie town. San Marcos, it's just. It's awful. It's all these people doing tantric dance and yoga.

[A]

Americans?

[C]

Yeah, from all over. It's like they've just taken over the town. It's awful.

[A]

In Mexico.

[C]

This is in Guatemala.

[B]

Hey, welcome to the show.

[C]

Wearing Somali garb Just says, hey, I have a coffee shop right here.

[B]

And we're walking.

[A]

Nope, just quit.

[B]

Hey, Somali guy in Mexico. Follow me down this alleyway.

[C]

It kept going and going and going. Eventually I'm like, hey, where is it? It's right here. It's right here. I'm like, I'm getting robbed, but I'm committed to it. So then he pulls me out. He's got a coffee shop, it's called Black Pirate Coffee.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

And he was just telling me about it.

[B]

That guy's real on the nose, huh?

[C]

It was the coolest dude I've ever

[A]

met in my life.

[C]

Somali trained with Wynton Marsalis.

[B]

Who's that?

[C]

Wynton Marsalis is a great jazz musician.

[A]

I know you're talking about this guy was.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And he's robbing people in this town?

[C]

No, he's not robbing anybody. He said he hates his town. It's full of pseudo spiritual narcissists is what he said. What a great term.

[B]

That's a pseudo spiritual narcissist, sure.

[C]

And he goes, I'm here. I've kind of quit jazz because I need to, like, rethink what I'm doing here. But I'm trying to help these orphans get by here. He's just talking to me, where I'm from, everything like that. He's so cool. He had some guy, Young Lee, helping him. He had this little. Not a cult, but just, like, trying to help orphan. He's trying to do something positive for the world.

[B]

Where were the orphans?

[C]

They were nearby in the town. And he goes, hey, your thing is your coffee's eight bucks. But eight Guatemalans, because don't worry about it. It's fine. And I go, no, no, here's 20. Keep it. Keep the rest for the orphans.

[A]

But I'm high.

[C]

He got me high, and I'm fucked up.

[B]

You got pirated, dude.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Wait, he got you all high and took your money?

[A]

How did he know you smoked weed?

[B]

Look at him.

[C]

I think he was also just like, it's everyone. What do you mean? Who wouldn't smoke weed? And so then I started walking away. It's too high. But I go, oh, shit. I actually have money from Kevin. And this is one of those moments. This dude is so fucking pure and legitimately the coolest man I've ever met.

[A]

Life.

[C]

And he goes, I like to only play jazz with people better than me. And no one's better than me here, so I just can't do it for a bit. And I was, like, caught up the courage. And I walked back and I gave him a hundred US Dollars.

[B]

What?

[C]

And he lost his mind. He goes, allah bless you. All the blessings in eternity. He just couldn't stop. No, I was like. My friend Kevin Ryan said, if I.

[B]

Now I'm on a list somewhere, see

[C]

somebody worthy of it, I should give it to him.

[B]

Donating. Yeah, Right.

[C]

Then he goes, this man is a blessed man, this Kevin Ryan.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no.

[B]

Him. Oh, he doesn't.

[C]

Respect and love for the eternity.

[A]

Goddamn Catholic, for Christ's sake.

[B]

In the name of the Father, the

[A]

Son, and the Holy Easter week.

[B]

Putting the Somali hex on me.

[A]

You're gonna be in a skiff.

[B]

Oh, dude, that's going after that. It's gonna say that Kevin, the SS Kevin R. A picture of my head

[A]

going after the Mersk, Louisiana.

[B]

Daddy Warbuck. You turn me into a. A warmonger.

[C]

Dude, he loved you.

[B]

No, you don't mention me.

[C]

You didn't give me the money.

[A]

What do you mean? I give you. Half of that's mine.

[B]

No, that was my.

[C]

It was all from his pocket.

[B]

That was my personal money.

[C]

Beers.

[A]

Well, in spirit.

[C]

That's spirit. Yeah.

[A]

At least I gave the no Fly List.

[C]

Yeah. I was like, I'm taking this money and I'm gonna give it to people. And that guy was.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

I mean, did you ever. You never actually saw the orphans?

[C]

No.

[A]

Huh. Yeah.

[C]

I mean, this guy probably won a

[A]

lot of AK rounds.

[B]

Kalicha, Cops.

[C]

It's gone now. Black Pirate Cafe. I looked it up.

[B]

Yeah, he got the money, man.

[C]

Down at the end of the year,

[A]

man, you saved that guy from knifing you.

[C]

Stormy, if you're out there.

[B]

Stormy.

[C]

Stormy, yeah. You gotta find Stormy. I looked him up. They're like, all signs point that he shut down his business. He's looking, I don't know, in Guatemala, in. In San Marcos de la Laguna.

[A]

Yeah. That's called on the Run.

[C]

Yeah. Oh, he's on the run for sure.

[B]

Oh, dude, you got me all jammed up in this.

[A]

Anything come up?

[C]

No, he named it after his Black Pirate.

[A]

Black Pirate.

[C]

He was like.

[B]

That's a little on the nose. He's a Somali pirate who tried to, like.

[C]

And the. So he's from Somaliland. It's a free unincorporated country where. It's off Somalia, where they don't. They're not run by Somalia.

[B]

You got Ari.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

I thought you were, like, a wise traveler. That would have happened to my mother.

[C]

Helped orphans.

[B]

No. Yeah.

[A]

I was some black fruit. Black dude from Detroit.

[C]

So you Guys are telling me I shouldn't give charity. That's interesting. That's interesting because that leads me to today's segment.

[B]

I don't like whatever's happening.

[A]

Pull out my butthole.

[C]

We've done a lot of stuff here in this podcast. Oh, you guys have called me.

[A]

We just had the place put back together, which I didn't care for at

[B]

all, which I did not like.

[C]

You guys have called me. We had a redemption where you called me garbage again. And I didn't like it, but I had to learn to accept it.

[B]

If you say I'm garbage, you're a crazy person.

[C]

Then I guess I'm garbage.

[B]

Fridge.

[C]

Nothing to do. And then I.

[A]

Nice sport coat everywhere.

[B]

A dead man's jacket.

[A]

Where'd you get that? I came in the last customer at the Black Black Pirate coffee shop.

[B]

Like Beetlejuice.

[C]

And you fooled me. I decided you guys were trash and you go, yeah, I know. That's what we based our whole lives around. Me up. Because I was trying to hurt you guys.

[B]

I took it personal. I was trying to hurt you.

[C]

Yeah, I was trying to hurt you.

[B]

I couldn't do it.

[C]

I couldn't do it. And today we're going to play another game.

[A]

The worst public defender ever. Today we're going to play murders.

[B]

Why? I thought it was a parking ticket.

[A]

She. Did you do it? I can't get involved in this.

[B]

What the hell? You killed her.

[A]

If you did it, you gotta tell me, man. Your honor. Hey, Daddy. What the hell?

[B]

Recess. Recess says sure. Look at that. I mean, we were. I was too busy looking at you on him. And I turn around, he's like actually put together garbage, but okay. All right. Well, the comments on YouTube just went

[C]

south to play the game that everybody talks about. Are you Jewish?

[B]

Oh, man. This episode will be divisive. Holy.

[C]

I'm here with my guests.

[B]

Holy. What the fuck?

[C]

Ari Shafir at Tanta Tooties.

[A]

Bubby Toodies.

[C]

And we're here to find out the age old question. Are you Jewish? Okay, I have some questions for you guys.

[B]

Please.

[C]

This is just some questions. If I can.

[B]

You need a pen?

[C]

Yeah, I'd love one. Thank you.

[B]

Can you. Can you. Can you get Rabbi Shafir a pen? You're almost a rabbi, right?

[C]

I got. Yeah, I was almost a rabbi.

[B]

Like, how close?

[A]

Somebody in a ram horn.

[B]

If you haven't do it. First of all, he just stole the pan.

[C]

Have one.

[B]

I wouldn't be surprised if the one you pulled out had a chain on it from the bank.

[A]

Yeah, you Know that thing where they just swinging away? You know that thing where they go around and they go, hey, do you want me to give you $20? You want me to give it to the next person and double it? They do it to a seated guy and he's like,

[B]

side note, there's these guys that go around to jewelers with dog spray painted gold and go like, can you evaluate this for me? People touch it, dude, they cut it and it's the. It looks fucking dog shit. It's the best thing in the world. It's right up there.

[A]

You've missed a lot, Ari.

[B]

Welcome back to God.

[A]

You look like a rabbi, dude.

[B]

It's so weird because you can be such a derp. You can visibly look like a derp.

[A]

Where do you get that scarf?

[C]

Have you ever. It's a tallis and I got it from a yard sale.

[B]

Where? Tom's River.

[C]

Have you ever gotten an A in any class you've like on the report card? Yeah, an A?

[A]

Yeah, my senior year, I would probably say.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know though.

[C]

Interesting, because those are very Jewish tricks. Okay, what's your. What's the most schooling you guys went to?

[B]

College. Degree.

[A]

Wow. Two years of college,

[C]

no degree, and then okay, yeah, that dropped out. Two years for age.

[B]

You could be a Jewish woman.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

Do your moms ever try to get you to eat?

[B]

They're trying to get him to Naughty. Yes.

[A]

Yes. Really? Yes. Oh, the Catholic mother and the Jewish mother are very, very similar.

[B]

They're mothers.

[A]

They're all similar.

[C]

Do they ever tell you how you're doing your life wrong? You should just change it slightly.

[A]

Oh, God. All the time.

[C]

Oh my God. God.

[B]

Up until. Up until two years ago.

[C]

Yeah, my mom still goes with it.

[A]

Did they like you on tires? Did they say you did a good job?

[C]

You should ask him to get you on Saturday Night Live. Sure, if he can host, you can too. Have you guys ever used humor as a coping mechanism?

[A]

You're witnessing it right now.

[C]

These are interesting questions and answers.

[B]

He's a little lopsided. Oh, this feels like they're set up. Do we get to cross examine?

[C]

Sure.

[A]

Absolutely.

[C]

If you have. Honestly, if you have any questions on these or any explanations, I'd love to hear them.

[B]

Huh? I got nothing.

[C]

Next question.

[A]

We know you're Jewish. I've got the whole outfit on.

[C]

Have you ever taken a bus to avoid all the goyim at the airport? Wait, what's us? It's you.

[B]

Sounds like a fungus. Wait, taking a bus? What do you Mean, I don't know.

[C]

What could it mean?

[A]

Like a Jewish bush or just a bus?

[C]

I don't know. Bus anywhere.

[B]

Like, do I avoid the price?

[C]

Just the going. Just the non Jews, not just the airport.

[A]

Do they have Jewish buses at the airport?

[C]

Did you ever get around seeing people at airports by getting a bus?

[B]

I have. When I was going to Boston instead of flying, I took the bus.

[A]

Oh, okay. Didn't you guys do a. Oh, a tour bus.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Did we did. Well, that wasn't to avoid going at the airport.

[C]

Did you avoid the goyim?

[A]

We did avoid the goyim.

[B]

Okay, we like the goyim. We did bump into some other goyim.

[A]

Yeah, my mother's a goyim.

[B]

Wait, is that a Jewish thing?

[C]

Goyim? Goyim is plural. Goy is singular.

[B]

No, I know, but like, do you guys like the airport? It's just filled with them. Is that how you say it?

[C]

No.

[A]

What do you think we say?

[C]

That is how we say it.

[B]

But it's just like they're everywhere.

[C]

They're everywhere. We understand. We have to deal with you guys.

[B]

We're everywhere.

[C]

Infested, man. Infested this world with your goy. What Trash. Trying to revel in garbage.

[B]

I hope, I hope my cousins and uncles have tuned out for this episode.

[A]

Talk about the dreidel. Calling a dreidel a dreidel.

[C]

Okay, here's one.

[A]

Nothing on it.

[C]

You're right. I wasn't listening. That was great. That was great. Let's do a little spinny thing here. Add that in.

[A]

We're everywhere.

[C]

Have you ever bought better tickets for an event that you already had? Free tickets, but worse seats, I believe have done that. Damn.

[A]

We've done that recently.

[C]

That's not good.

[B]

No, Jewish guys aren't doing that.

[C]

Jewish guys are not doing that. I was hoping you guys would say no to that.

[B]

No, no. Or a big best.

[A]

Why would I get better tickets when I already have free tickets?

[B]

It's free.

[A]

I can scalp and not go to

[B]

the show and listen on the radio. They broadcast the Mets on AM radio.

[C]

Why pay when you could just get it?

[B]

You look. You look like an old Jewish man. Dude, this is crazy. He is an old Jewish man, but not normally. He's a. He's a rugged, drugged out hippie.

[A]

They don't wear it like that sometimes.

[C]

No, they don't.

[B]

But if they're skiing, maybe. I love art.

[C]

You see it better. Yeah. You got me tickets. I invited you to a Yankee game.

[A]

Huh?

[C]

And then you're like, no, No, I was like I got bleacher seats, it's great.

[A]

And you're like they were like 1800 bucks a pound.

[B]

Yeah, we're very.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

No we don't like the season game. Oh, so that's a big zero.

[A]

We had a good time, didn't we?

[C]

We had a great time. See, not very Jewish though.

[B]

Although. No. You guys ate shellfish? What are you talking about?

[C]

A lot of stuff.

[B]

Yeah, I don't think we ate a lot of stuff.

[C]

I remember we were going to the 999.

[B]

I put shrimp in my pocket by the way.

[A]

Was the 999 a thing before we did it? Yeah, sure.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah. I didn't make it up.

[A]

Yeah, no, not they're like doing it now. They have like the box and they have like a box with all the shit.

[C]

We're the first one to do it in a box.

[A]

No, no, no, I'm saying they have

[B]

like get like a box of nine beers and nine dogs.

[A]

They're ripping us off.

[C]

They're ripping us off and every stadium is doing it. What's a box of? Just 999.

[A]

No, like, like, like a. Yeah like a snack box. And it says 999deals Jewish.

[C]

The best was that we were going to do it run as these big Yankee fan he was going to do thought oh maybe we'll go to the Yankees Phillies game and in New York. In New York. And then Shane was like hey, actually if you go in Philadelphia and get you a box it's all paid for. And Steve is like well I can't do that week. And we're like steve, it's all. Maybe you didn't hear the it's all.

[B]

I've only met you a couple of times. Shout out to Steve.

[C]

Course. Okay. These are all really good. Have you ever not bought something because it costs too much?

[B]

That's I listen. Yeah, I want to. I want an Escalade.

[C]

Okay, let's make it, let's fair. Let's make it something better now when

[A]

it comes to food.

[C]

Okay, how about something like a water down here but like it's $4. No, no, I'm not paying $4. You pay for it anyway.

[B]

Yes, 100%. I did get, I did get into a back.

[C]

You don't do. You don't go dude, fuck that.

[A]

I don't have that. I wish I did. I wish I was like smart like that.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

I do know I think the principal kind of shows up. This was nuts. I was buying a Diet Coke. It was on The Upper west side at the park on, like, Central Park West. Very Jewish neighborhood. Yeah, I might be Jewish. I do like the matzo ball soup from Jacob's Pickles.

[A]

Have you ever had a matzo ball soup from Jacob's Pickles? You might be Jewish.

[B]

So good to make. You want to slap your mama.

[C]

Jacob's Pickles.

[B]

Slap your rabbi. You know, Jacob's Pickles.

[C]

Oh, I will.

[B]

Now, it's. You know our good friend Sam Rubinoff. Very Jewish. I can't miss that Hebrewski. It's his favorite matzo ball soup in the city.

[A]

What?

[B]

Very good.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

It's very good.

[A]

Now you go to Barney Greengrass.

[C]

Today's episode of Are you Garbage? Is brought to you by Jacob's Pickles. Hey, guys, what time is it? Time for Jacob's Pickles and a little matzo ball soup.

[B]

And I was like, the cart guy, you know what I mean? Like the hot dog cart guy, whatever. And I was just like, hey, let me get a Diet Coke. And I forget the number, but he's like eight bucks too high. And I went, I live here.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I think he was like, all right, give me five bucks or something. It was. There was a concession.

[A]

Well, that's okay.

[C]

Wait, so you talked him down?

[B]

I. I didn't ask. No, no, no, no.

[A]

Would you take a nice button and trade?

[C]

Wow. But wow.

[A]

Wow. I didn't know that I did it.

[B]

I didn't ask for it. He. But they do that in all different kinds of the world, not just Jewish parts.

[A]

Were you talking to other people doing

[B]

it in New York?

[A]

Hold on. When you were.

[B]

If I was. If I was at a bazaar. I'm about talking.

[A]

Wait, when you did this, Kevin, did you turn the other people like, do you believe this? They're charging $8 for a diet cola. I can get that at shul for free. Did you do that?

[C]

Did you do that?

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

Fuck. Five.

[A]

That's better. It's not good, but it's better.

[B]

I do live next to Yeshiva University.

[A]

You do.

[C]

You do live up there? I went to school there for a year. That's where I kind of lost my life.

[B]

You smoke a lot of weed. We've had this conversation 47 times.

[C]

Damn.

[A]

I do smoke a lot of weed.

[B]

You just put me in an Uber to Yeshiva University. But there's a kosher section of my supermarket.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

They do not like me snooping around over there.

[C]

Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing?

[A]

That's like the halal. The halal section at the grocery Store in Queens. They don't like me over there either. That's the good meat, though.

[C]

That's the best meat.

[B]

It's just been blessed. Or is it like brine?

[C]

No, it's nice, kept better. It's no pig.

[A]

I go over there, they know I'm not Muslim and they don't like it.

[C]

Oh, that's the muzzies.

[A]

Give me the ribeye.

[B]

Border house.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay, here's one. About how much are property taxes? Do you know?

[A]

No.

[C]

You have no idea.

[A]

No idea.

[B]

I know what mine are. Okay, that's not fair. I just had to pay them. But I paid them late. Okay, I paid them late.

[C]

All right, good explanation. Why'd you pay them late?

[B]

I'm just bad at bills.

[A]

Do you own any rental property in Crown Heights, Brooklyn? Are you currently evicting anyone?

[B]

Ari looks like one of those guys that runs across the street during the Brooklyn Marathon.

[C]

Those guys are the best. Those guys are the best.

[A]

They stop playing that music. They're high stepping too.

[C]

Yeah, those guys are the best. They spike their tallest bag at the end.

[B]

Oh, man, those guys are the best.

[C]

Playing frogger on those streets of Brooklyn.

[A]

25, 000 people running a marathon.

[C]

I gotta go to service. They gotta make up.

[B]

They're going to service. Yeah, it's a Saturday or whatever.

[C]

Saturday though.

[A]

Going to basketball practice, running over people.

[C]

Those guys are great. Those guys are committed. Oh, here's one. Ever defend a loved one despite the evidence that they're doing terrible things?

[B]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I got a lot of that going on at the moment.

[C]

Okay, okay. Rabbi Bugman, everybody now gets the Israel situation. Okay, This is great. I'm finding out a lot about you guys. I'm probably one of those guys you defend. This is what Nate says every time. You are?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You are harder and harder to defend every day. I'll keep doing it.

[B]

I don't run in the same circles as Nate, so you're easier to defend, but I have to go. No, he's a great guy. He's a great guy.

[C]

He's actually all right.

[B]

There's a handful of you I have to K pop.

[C]

Demon Hunters, Haja Boy's Breakfast Meal and Hunt Tricks Meal have just dropped at McDonald's. They're calling this a battle for the fans. What do you say to that, Rumi?

[B]

It's not a battle. So glad the Saja boys could take breakfast and give our meal the rest of the day.

[C]

It is an honor to share.

[B]

No, it's our honor.

[A]

It is our larger honor. No, really.

[C]

Stop. You can really feel the respect in this battle. Pick a meal to pick a side

[D]

and participate in McDonald's while supplies last.

[C]

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[D]

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[B]

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[C]

Visit botoxchronicmigraine.com or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more. Do you guys think that your nose is not too big?

[A]

Do I think that my nose is not too big? Yeah, I don't think my nose.

[B]

I don't think my nose is too big.

[C]

Yeah, me neither.

[A]

Check. Check.

[B]

One point for a.

[C]

Wow. So these are no longer available for sale.

[B]

I live. Do we need. I can get them up if they need. Do you want them up? There's like a hundred of them.

[C]

No, it leads to. My next question is, do you think you have a good business sense?

[A]

Yes, Kevin does for sure. I do not.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, I will push back on that.

[C]

You are made this into an empire.

[A]

Wait, you think I do?

[C]

Sign up for the patreon now, everybody. Patreon.com Are you garbage? For just $5 a month you get all the content in the world.

[B]

Easy. Easy does it with the plug in. $10 a month you get all $10.

[C]

In a month you get all the old stuff and all.

[B]

And two episodes a week of that smash. Of that smash. Grab Hit Hard feelings. Take that.

[A]

The end. Wait, hold on. Did you think I have good business sense? You're crazy.

[C]

I think you have the worst business sense of the two.

[B]

Yeah, well, it's not binary. It's not either.

[A]

People are saying that now. What? It's not binary. Everybody's saying that now.

[C]

Too many silly.

[B]

Listen, you talk to three people.

[A]

I know, but everybody's using it. Well, it's not binary. There's another phrase that everyone keeps going.

[C]

It's not black or white.

[B]

Sober.

[A]

No, there's something I can't think of.

[B]

12 steps.

[A]

Everybody's using it.

[B]

Code, depending.

[C]

Right. Coded.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

Frame.

[A]

But. Go ahead.

[B]

Frame Moggin. But you frame Maxing.

[C]

Who's the better? Business sense.

[A]

What are you nuts?

[B]

But he knows he has a very good.

[C]

You think you have a good business sense?

[B]

No, I mean, not like. Not like nuts and bolts of it, but like he gets the bigger. He gets the bigger picture stuff for sure. More than he leads. If he thinks about. He just doesn't think. He doesn't apply himself. I sound like. I sound like a Jewish lady. Fuck. I sound like a Jewish mother.

[A]

That's why I can't find a nice girl. What are you talking about? Really Talking to my friend Ari, huh, guys?

[C]

Just 10 hours a month right now. Patreon.com Are you garbage. All the old stuff. Great hits. I've been on multiple episodes on Patreon.

[B]

Oh, yeah?

[C]

Check it. At least one episode.

[B]

Oh, maybe one. You walked in.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, That. I cried that. I couch surf their podcast already.

[A]

Looks like they didn't pay the heat bill to synagogue.

[B]

What's the point? Just bundle up.

[C]

I haven't worn one of these in a long time.

[B]

Did you. Did you own that?

[C]

I got this at a yard sale in the bay.

[B]

Really? Like, for this?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You don't really.

[C]

100.

[B]

You still don't. You don't have like a breaking cage Jewish kit. You know what I mean? Like a yarmulke.

[C]

First of all, it's not break. It's carefully unwrapped so you can reuse

[B]

the wrapper in return.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Start going Bibby's way. You know what I'm saying? He's got to get on the team quick. Hello?

[C]

I do. Everything's in storage. Everything's in storage. Otherwise I'd have it, so. But I was like, I gotta. I gotta. I gotta get these guys where they don't want to get caught. And so I had to pay. I had to pay at a thrift store. Price, please. Get the end. Right now. I'm desperately in need of money, so I can buy full price Tallises.

[A]

How much does one of them go for? Retail?

[C]

Retail? I don't know. This one cost $5. Along with the yarmulke.

[B]

And buy it from a Jewish guy?

[C]

No, it's a giant yard sale called the White Elephant sale in the bay.

[A]

So that was definitely some dead Jewish person.

[C]

Oh, this person's dead.

[B]

That was, like, wrapped around the body.

[C]

Yeah, maybe.

[A]

Then the grave robbers got him.

[C]

I brought it right to that yard sale, and I made a clean three, turned it over for five.

[B]

Now, when was the last time you wore something like this? Not for a bit. Like, are you going. If you go to something with, like, your family.

[C]

I'm going to a wedding in a few weeks. Nephew's wedding. And no, I will not. I'll wear the yarmulke, but not. Not a big fat one. Like these conservatives. No.

[A]

Is that what that is?

[C]

Yeah. These are loser Jews. Wear this. You see a Jew wearing this, you just go like, nice try.

[B]

It's all the same.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

All the same size.

[C]

No. You want a small knit one with some. With some, like, pin or something? Something with the. Well, the pins for sure. I can't use, like, a New York Knicks one.

[A]

Let them know you're fun.

[C]

Absolutely. You want to rep your team, your girlfriend can make you one. If you have a girlfriend. Put your name in there. They're pretty. That. That's the kind of Jew I was. And then you have the other with the hat, with the thing.

[B]

Oh, that is coming out the back.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. This is for conservatives. This is for Convos consoles or.

[B]

And you're. You would be what? More liberal?

[C]

I would. No, I was Orthodox.

[B]

You were? Yeah. Oh, you were, like, old school.

[C]

Old school, yeah.

[A]

Hey, isn't Orthodox conservative?

[C]

No, conservatives, like, lower orthodox is higher. Guys, watch my special juice. You'll find all this out. It's on YouTube right now. Here's a good question for you guys. Have either of you ever not charged your phone after you knew it was dead and then had a friend pay for an Uber for you, even though that friend expressed surprise at how much that Uber costs and there was a charger across the room. And yet you still did not charge it and let it. Have any of you ever done that?

[A]

I get the feeling that the. The interviewer has or. That's coming the second that we get done. This podcast feels.

[B]

Feels a little personal. Can I defend myself?

[C]

Absolutely. You know the game. Are you Jewish? Always lets people defend themselves. This is not a. This is not a tribunal.

[B]

I think there's a couple of schools to the contrary. My phone died. It did die. You have me dead to rights on. The phone died. I. I Will say it died because we were.

[A]

Oh, you did this.

[B]

Yeah, obviously we were have. We were in such a flow state of conversation. The beers were coming to it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Do Jews do that? Jews don't do that. Your mind was blown. Me and the other goy said, I go, I'll do two Budweisers. Our friend Colin said, I'll do two Miller Lights or two Bud Lights. And you said, I'll do one of each.

[C]

One of each little mix. Yeah. I couldn't decide. One of each was great. Cheers them both like that.

[B]

And he was cross. Cheers. This guy's locked in.

[C]

It's such a good move to get to it once because then you only have to tip for one. Brig.

[B]

Oh, no, no. Don't put that on me.

[C]

Had to tip.

[B]

I took care of that girl.

[A]

Yeah. I asked you when I was leaving, make sure you take care of.

[B]

She got 100%.

[C]

No, she came three trips. Two beers. Two beers. Two beers.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

She got tips for three different trips. She didn't get chipped for six. I looked. She complained. I already took $20 anyway, so we were having a blast.

[B]

It's like the beers are literally coming two at a time.

[A]

You're not drinking.

[B]

We're drinking. But it was. It's. We're at the. We're at the front table of this. Oh, what the hell is that?

[A]

Talking about.

[B]

Talking about a new cool rabbit.

[A]

Hey, kids, look who's coming around.

[C]

If I beat you in a one on one, you got to go to services on Saturday.

[B]

What's up with this frame maxing, huh?

[A]

Ar Shafir, Jewish time traveler from the year 2027.

[B]

He comes back, he goes back to when things were on sale.

[C]

Invest in bitcoin.

[B]

Nothing on you miss a sale, go back till tomorrow.

[A]

He always goes back till to the day after Thanksgiving, no matter what year.

[C]

He goes the day after Thanksgiving. Yeah.

[A]

Do you want candy up on Labor Day?

[C]

If it's on candy, it's November 2nd.

[A]

You look like a robot Jewish guy.

[B]

That's crazy.

[C]

I have come to not respect women.

[B]

You look nuts.

[A]

Talk about getting thrown out of an airport. Holy.

[C]

Do you want it to rain tomorrow? Keep bringing it,

[B]

Sir. Saves a lot.

[A]

Over here, sir.

[B]

Sa the rapid, Rabbi. I'm sweating, dude.

[A]

Hey, kids, Shabbat is coming. Turn off the lights and don't be bumming.

[C]

That's so funny. That is. That's a great rap. That's a great rap for like how to.

[B]

Guys, I think grown ups can seem weird, but not me. I'm your friend, your Friend.

[C]

Just a cool guy, man. I'm your Havruta.

[A]

You kids wear dead. Guys coast.

[B]

Let's see the scarf.

[A]

Bye, Buck.

[C]

Springtime's here, huh? How do you guys do with allergies? You have allergies so bad.

[B]

Hold on, let me. Let me defend myself. Okay.

[C]

Allergies.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Defend yourself. Uber, huh?

[A]

All right.

[C]

Right, right. Let's go back. We'll come back to allergies in a second. Yeah. On the Uber. Yeah.

[B]

My phone died. We're having such a good time.

[C]

It's a great time.

[B]

Front of the Cellar. Front of the Cellar's open, too, so you're right out on McDougal. Outside, beers are coming. You pee. Everything's happening a good time. My phone dies. I go, oh, my phone died. And he goes. I go, I gotta get a charger. I said, I'll take a yellow cab. You said, I'll get you an Uber.

[C]

Yeah. You want me to get you an Uber? I'll call you an Uber.

[B]

I said, okay. He then goes, it's $80.

[C]

$100.

[B]

But you said, 80. He got any. He got me. And he got me an Uber Large,

[A]

or what are they called?

[C]

Excel. I'm not getting your black. I'm not getting you a black. No, I mean, that's ridiculous.

[B]

Why?

[A]

It's the biggest cool rabbi. You're not so cool now.

[C]

It's the biggest rip in ride sharing.

[B]

But then. No, also. Hold on. I. I said. I already. I. Before all this, I said, I owe you a hundred dollars. You do, because he did a spot on the show.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. That's a guest spot.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Now he's Jewish. He's. He's turned us against each other.

[A]

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

[B]

I said. I said I owe you a hundred dollars for doing the show. That's fair.

[A]

No, it's not. That was a guest spot, and he showed up on his own.

[B]

See, he's good at anything.

[A]

He's good at business. If anything, he should be paying us.

[C]

I had to get exposure that day.

[B]

That was 100.

[C]

People wanted to take pictures with me. I grew. I grew my brand.

[B]

Yes, there you go. And then you can't put price.

[A]

But we did. It's 300 and we'll need it now.

[C]

Yeah. So I did call you an Uber,

[B]

but I said, I owe you a hundred dollars. And he said, consider it even. So there was goods and services transacted. So then we're. That's not. I don't. I didn't take Money from you.

[A]

Wait, why consider.

[C]

Would love.

[B]

Because I owe him a hundred dollars.

[A]

But then.

[B]

But. And he goes, the Uber's $88. And he goes.

[A]

And you're. He's down 180.

[C]

No, because he owed me a hundred and then I paid another hundred. Yes.

[A]

Whoa, wait, why? Wait, no, no, no, no.

[C]

He was gonna give me the hundred for the thing.

[A]

Yeah, you got screwed, dummy.

[C]

So then I'm out 180.

[B]

He's good at business.

[A]

I considered even.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

He's into you for $180.

[C]

I'll take the $100 you are going to give me and I'll apply it to your Uber.

[A]

If he would have given you the 100. Which he never did.

[C]

She never did. So I'm down188.

[A]

Yeah,188.

[C]

47.

[A]

To be honest, ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Ryan is.

[C]

Wow. So I would love for you to be able to see when this comes out, you're arguing about. You're arguing about money. It was hilarious. If you could put in post some of these on him while he's doing that.

[B]

The pay us.

[C]

The pay us. Yeah. Oh, you.

[B]

Oh, I grew with a lot of Jewish kids. Shout out about Ray Finkelstein.

[A]

Ray Finkelstein.

[C]

You know Ray Finkelstein, the first Jew.

[A]

Rick Fin. You don't get corned beef like that anymore.

[B]

Not at Jacob's Pickles, I'll tell you that much. He's old school Jewish. Not none of this new age Jacob's Pickles.

[A]

You call that a matzo ball soup?

[B]

That's my favorite episode in 100 years.

[C]

Well, guys, you've given me a lot to think about. You told me about Jacob's Pistols. That was crazy. H, Two years of college, then drop out. Not very Jewish college degree here. Both got A's, though. Your mom tries to get both of you guys to eat and I would say succeeds. You both use humor as a coping mechanism. However, some people, both of you.

[A]

Not exactly.

[C]

You don't know what property taxes are.

[A]

I know what they are. I just don't pay them.

[B]

I know they are and I don't

[C]

pay the readily available. You know them.

[B]

I know.

[C]

Very joyous trait.

[B]

Yeah, but I owe two different types. I don't know enough. Not. And I wouldn't be a. You would know what they are and they would be paid.

[C]

H. You paid for 1800 bucks for tickets to a game we already had. I'm still mad about it. We already had tickets. And you're like, no, let's get better seats. It's it's so antithetical to how I grew up. It's crazy. I appreciate it, though.

[A]

I noticed that when you were crying behind home plate.

[C]

Oh, it was low. Oh, my God. We're right behind the SNL guys. It was nutty.

[A]

There was no SNL guys.

[C]

Both of. Yeah, the writers were up there. Oh, that was with DiStefano. He got me those tickets too, but he didn't pay for him. You paid for it. It's crazy. It's crazy. Every time I look at Yankee games, like, who are those rich people behind own plates, baby. Yeah. It's not all rich people.

[B]

Some people have friends who are bad with money.

[A]

Very bad.

[C]

Allergies are kicking both ya.

[A]

No, I didn't say that.

[C]

You did not. No. Wow.

[B]

Mine are bad.

[A]

I take a Claritin every day. That's how my allergies don't bother me. And I use local honey.

[B]

But they. I mean, so. But you do have allergies.

[A]

No, I don't get allergies.

[C]

It gets on top of them.

[A]

I don't get. I don't get allergies.

[C]

H did say not to pay me for the guest spot,

[A]

and I stand by that.

[B]

Not only did he not pay, he wanted exposure.

[C]

And then you have said, I'm gonna talk you. Oh, that was a tough one. H just pays for stuff. Kevin says eight bucks is too much for a Coke.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Would you accept five?

[B]

No, no, no, no.

[A]

I live here.

[B]

You are controlling the narrative.

[A]

I'm a local.

[C]

You try to rob me.

[B]

Propaganda.

[C]

Okay, why don't you try controlling the narrative for a bit and see how it. But try that on.

[B]

I just said I go, well, $8. $8. Where am I gonna find $7? $7. Woody and Nuts for a Coke. $5 for a Coke? What are you crazy?

[C]

Wow. Well, way to control the way. Control the media on that one.

[B]

That's. The whole thing's getting cut.

[C]

Guys, I've made my ruling. H, Foley, this pains me. You are. You are not a Jew.

[B]

Talking about dodging a bullet.

[C]

Too many. Too many strikes there. Paying that much for tickets to a record. We could have snuck down that far. That's crazy. Never talking anybody down at a high price. All nuts.

[A]

I'm gonna talk the Yankees down.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Hey, Steinbrenner.

[C]

Not a good business sense. Kevin Ryan, you are a Jim. I've got you this.

[A]

Oh, no, Kevin, It's Holy Week.

[C]

An honorary Jew. Kevin, it's Holy Week.

[B]

Are you garbage? I'll be going in my family group chat. This will be Big. Try it out.

[A]

Next thing you know, you've eaten Chinese food.

[C]

Try it on, buddy. Let's see how it feels. Let's see how it feels. Oh, you gotta put that on there. It's got no mysticism.

[B]

I feel my head itching already.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

Welcome to the tribe.

[B]

Forgive me, father, for I have sins.

[C]

You look good with that. Put that back on. You look great.

[B]

Oh, holy shit.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Once again, are you garbage Bringing people together?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Of all races and creeds.

[B]

I do have to say, as many times as Mr. Shafir has come in here to try to vindicate himself and lost miserably every time. I do got to say, he. He.

[A]

He hasn't imposed his Judaism on us.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is that what you were going to say?

[B]

Well, maybe all these times he's turned me Jewish.

[C]

Yeah, maybe have a good business before we knew each other.

[A]

That's how they do it.

[C]

You weren't talking people down before you knew me.

[B]

Uhhuh. Man, he's good.

[C]

Guys, that's another exciting episode of are you Jewish?

[A]

You know, next episode we got to have Maramontani on the ballast. Yeah, Stay neutral. Neutral? We're a neutral podcast here. We love you, buddy.

[B]

Love you, pal. So happy to have you.

[C]

I love you guys too. We're glad you're back. You're my favorite people in the city.

[A]

The End is on pre sale right [e-mail] get the five dollar discount.

[C]

It's seven episodes for the price of just four. That help me make fucking crazy shit support my little dreams here. I don't have anybody paying for it.

[A]

We love it. You'll be tripping every week.

[C]

Just the price of two, two and a half months on. Are you garbage Patreon? You can help me make something legitimately crazy that the networks took away from me and I fought to get it back.

[B]

So yes, in all jokes aside, is you. You laid the groundwork for what we also create here. We all. We always. We always quote you when we're creating stuff and we put a lot of stupid money into stupid stuff and we do it all based on what you have four dollar yamaga. No, but honestly. And it's like for you to, you know, cash all your money and take a loan out to make the end. I. I respect it.

[A]

Absolutely. We love you very much, Ari.

[C]

Get [e-mail] right now. It's so funny that you're so afraid of putting that on.

[B]

I was joking. I have a. My son's Jewish.

[A]

Oh, yeah, that's right?

[B]

My wife's Jewish.

[C]

Have you ever married a Jewish lady?

[A]

Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week.