Are You Rubbish? w/ Ari Shaffir!

Summary

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Are You Garbage? – “Are You Rubbish? w/ Ari Shaffir!”

Episode Date: June 18, 2026 | Hosts: H. Foley (A), Kevin Ryan (B) | Guest: Ari Shaffir (C)

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Episode Overview

In this lively and irreverent episode, comedians Foley and Ryan host Ari Shaffir for a special send-off before he moves to London. The trio puts Ari through a “British garbage” interrogation, riffing on British culture, customs, food, and language, while endlessly making fun of each other’s ignorance and habits. Will Ari embarrass himself abroad, or will he represent American trash with pride? This episode is a quintessential mix of roasting, cultural misunderstandings, and the hunt for "royal or rubbish" status.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Ari’s Move to England: The American Turncoat

• Ari announces his imminent move to London, prompting endless ribbing about “joining the enemy” and doubts over his ability to assimilate.
  • “It’s his last time before he heads overseas, starts kissing the crown over there. Bit of a turncoat.” – Foley [01:30]
  • Ari jokes about being assigned the Tottenham Hotspur as his football team and about British customs he anticipates.
  • Emotional notes surface: “We’re gonna miss you and we fucking love you.” – Foley [02:55]
  • Ari: “Yeah, that’s going to be the hardest part ... all my friends. Sorry, that wasn’t funny.” [03:04]

British Food, Booze, and Class Anxiety

• Rapid-fire mock-quiz: British breakfast foods, bacon differences (“medium rare bacon... what are you doing over there?”), enthusiasm for black pudding and haggis, and bathroom habits.
• The panel laments British beer, warm pints, lack of air conditioning and tipping customs, then riffs on the “janky teeth” stereotype.
  • “No tipping. I’m most looking forward to that.” – Ari [07:24]
• Beans, both in the English and American context, and their effects on the body.
  • “Those beans get you farting through the day.” – Ari [06:21]
• Black pudding/haggis cravings and debates over full English breakfast components.

“Are You Rubbish?”: The Quiz

• The hosts subject Ari to a barrage of pop-British trivia, Cockney slang, and etiquette challenges.
  • “I want to see if I’m regal or rubbish.” – Ari [08:08]
  • Fumbles royal family names: “Prince Charles … Prince Edward … Princess Barbara.” [11:46]
  • “What’s the British term for standing in line?” “Queuing.” – Ari [13:23]
  • Can’t name British beers, then makes fun of AI-generated answers, and British candy like Percy Pigs and lemon sherbets.
• Memorable Cockney slang breakdowns:
  • “I’m Hank Marvin.” – “I’m starving.” [23:48]
  • “Full of beans” – “Energetic.” [27:31]
  • “Captain Cook” – “Have a look.” [27:40]
  • “Popped his clogs” – “He died.” [65:04]

British Norms & Stereotypes: Etiquette, Greeting, and Crime

• Hosts and Ari riff on PDA (“only with strangers!” – Ari [23:10]), British modesty, and traditions.
• They roast Ari for his expectations and his intended “Americanization” of British manners.
  • “You really have an opportunity to change the culture over there.” – Foley [19:04]
• Advice on wardrobe (umbrellas, “London fog,” wellies, “Range Rovers”), transportation (penny-farthings!), and social events (Sunday roasts, pub culture).

Drug Culture & Crime (American vs. British)

• Discussion of weed laws and Ari’s adventures with obtaining medical cards in the US and UK.
  • “Do you know how much that'll skyrocket my career? We've had cancellations, never had arrests here.” – Ari [08:48]
• They muse over potential “getting arrested” in the UK and fitting in/not fitting in with British law and customs.

Ari the Fish-out-of-Water: Mock Plans (and True Fears)

• Fantasies of riding horse-drawn coaches, donning waistcoats, home-invading Jimmy Carr for his suits, or causing an “international incident.”
• Foley and Ryan challenge Ari’s delusions of newfound classiness (“We have nine episodes proving you’re not classy, Ari.” – Ryan [15:26])
• Ari receives the “most disgusting” Trippy Award for shitting his pants, a callback to his travel podcast [44:01].
  • “Thank you. Thanks for shitting for the benefit of my audience, of course.” – Ari [44:37]

British Politics & History… Kind of

• Botched answers to “Who’s the current prime minister?” (running gag: “Margaret Thatcher,” “Tony Blair,” “Bruce Stark,” “Kieran Culkin”)
  • Correct: Keir Starmer [45:29]
• The trio attempts to unravel the distinctions between the UK, Britain, and England (“What's the difference between Britain, England and UK?” [46:03])
  • Clear answer given by Foley [46:18-46:33].

Notable Quotes & Moments

Ari on His Cultural Impact:

“I really do [have an opportunity to change the culture over there]. Because you’re just crazy enough to do it or you're gonna turn into the Joker.”
– Foley [19:08]

On Royal Family Knowledge:

“Princess Barbara ... Countess Louisina. No, I cannot.”
– Ari [12:04]

British Tips:

“I know what it is. But to the Jews, they have a separate amount there. Shout out Hotspurs ... 10% I know is their standard.”
– Ari [30:46]

The Trippy Award:

“The trippy award winner for most disgusting: H. Foley for shitting in his pants …”
– Ari [43:50]

Summing Up Culture Clash:

“For a guy well-traveled, you don't really know what the hell’s going on.”
– Foley [42:38]

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Memorable Segments & Timestamps

• [03:30] – Ari’s imminent move to London, with emotional and comedic send-off
• [07:24] – “No tipping — most looking forward to that.”
• [10:04] – Ari’s medical marijuana experience
• [12:04] – Fails to name five royals
• [13:23] – British etiquette and “queuing” term
• [23:48] – Cockney rhyming slang: “Hank Marvin/starving”
• [27:31] – “Full of beans” explored
• [44:01] – Presentation of the “most disgusting” Trippy Award to Foley
• [45:29] – Realization, Keir Starmer is current Prime Minister
• [53:19] – Beer orders and discussion on American vs. British brands
• [62:25] – Historical tidbits: Jack the Ripper’s grapes
• [65:04] – “Popped his clogs” explained

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Final Notes & Episode Vibe

• The episode is overflowing with fast-paced jokes, roasts, and bits about British culture, trashy habits, and Ari’s likely British misadventures.
• Ari’s blend of genuine curiosity, mock cultural confidence, and refusal to assimilate sensibly provides the backbone of the humor.
• Hosts alternate mocking Ari’s US “garbage” status while expressing sincerely that they’ll miss him.
• The camaraderie is infectious — anyone who loves travel mishaps, culture clashes, and relentless ribbing between comics will want to listen (or relisten) to this raucous, affectionate "rubbish" sendoff.

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Transcript

[A]

Gang Tooties, got a limited 4th of July drop coming at you. We got some nice T shirts. Show up to the barbecue looking fresh, clean, and patriotic.

[B]

Yeah, don't be a bozo. Available at rugarbage.com while supplies last.

[A]

Happy 4th of July. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is all you rubbish.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

What's so this then? It's a show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and find out if they turned up to be classy.

[B]

That's all we got.

[A]

Or they're just a big old piece of trash, isn't it? I'm your host, Stage Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition. She's upstairs. She got the lanterns ready. All right. One if by sea, two if by Toyota minivan. That was an acidic joke.

[C]

That's America.

[A]

Mike Coates is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are you garbage? Bit of an international businessman, but born right here in America. Stands up for the stars and stripes. Give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan.

[B]

Like, I'm gonna be doing a lot of heavy lifting. What's up, gang? Shout out to you as always. Thanks for tuning in. Please make sure you rate View subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available on Spotify now. Boys are climbing the freaking charts over there. Then obviously the greatest website of all time. Www.patreon.com. are you garbage? Join that like a goddamn patriot.

[A]

Not right.

[B]

A Benedict Cumberland

[A]

gang. We. We couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. It's his last time before he heads overseas. Starts kissing the crown over there. Bit of a turncoat. All right. USA all the way on the goddamn centennial too, by the way.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Coming up on Fourth of July. I'm a goddamn 76, baby. I don't like this shit. Give it up. Ferrari Schaefer, everybody.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Are you changing your name to Ari Reo Schaefer or something like that?

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Kaleidoscope. Shafir.

[A]

Kaleidoscope.

[C]

Cheerio, boys. Cheerio.

[A]

Hey, gentlemen. What's out this then?

[C]

Oh, the lift was so slow today to get up here.

[A]

Ari's off to London, man. He's moving over to. Moving over to jolly old England.

[C]

I'm leaving. Every time I leave, I thought I'd come do your guys's.

[A]

Yes, we love it.

[B]

This one, this one. Listen, you go travel. I'm going to fucking wherever I'm going to. Istanbul, East, Jap, whatever. That's fine.

[A]

That's fine.

[B]

Moving to fucking.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

Moving to the fucking enemy territory is crazy. Yeah, that's like. That is some pretty nervous. I hope you don't wear that over there. You're going to stick out like a sore thumb.

[C]

I'm just going to wear this everywhere at bars. I'm like, is this not. I'm going to use all their slang.

[A]

Immediately start throwing a chain with a crucifix on it. Starts going to mass lights on Friday. This is awesome.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

No, I was going to say, buddy, we're going to miss you and we fucking love you. I was trying not to. I was getting a little emotional. We were hanging out before. I'll be honest.

[C]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

I'm going through it these days. Still going to miss this.

[C]

Yeah, that's going to be the hardest part, I think, is all my friends. Sorry, that wasn't funny.

[B]

This guy's really adopted the British demeanor.

[C]

Oh, I'm doing full British comedy. Let's be not. Not funny for, like, 35 minutes.

[A]

You're walking in the eagle's nest over there.

[C]

Fly, eagles, fly. What's the. Oh, I got a sparrow fly. Homing pigeon.

[B]

Do you have a. Do you have a football team you're going to root for over there?

[C]

Tottenham. The real Spurs. You had army? I was assigned.

[B]

I feel like you just chat. GPT England.

[C]

No, I was assigned them. I was in Edinburgh and they were like, telling me, like, I was doing some. Some powder with some people and. And they were telling me, I gotta get a football club. And I was like. When someone's like, Arsenal. I was like, okay, Arsenal. The one guy was in the bathroom, comes back like, we gave him Arsenal. They go, no, Tottenham. And they were all like, oh, yep, 100% Tottenham.

[B]

Why? So what's the.

[A]

I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

[B]

Is it the Jewish team or something?

[C]

They are the Jewish team. They're known as Yid Army.

[B]

They must have a. A bad.

[A]

They're in most lawsuits in all the league. Every time they get hit, they're on the ground.

[B]

They get a yellow card.

[C]

They fake it way longer. And ambulance comes in and chases them off.

[A]

Yeah, I guess rush the field.

[C]

They're in the Jewish neighborhood and they all do, like, Jewish chants and stuff.

[B]

Oh, there you go. It's perfect.

[C]

Yeah. So they're doing the thing of like, oh, like, how would you like it if they did Jewish chants? I'm like they do on my favorite team, the Tottenham Hotspurs. And everyone loves it.

[B]

Everybody's in chairs.

[C]

Yeah. Leading the players on after goals.

[A]

Now there are, there are differences. Ok, what are you looking forward to and what are you not going to. What are you not excited about? Because I'll tell you this right now, I've heard that white stuff over there ain't great.

[C]

Well, I mean, the Indian food is

[B]

going to be, bar none, a very good Indian food.

[C]

I got the hook up from my friend Akash Singh, which by the way, valuable friend with that name. Now, yes. Everywhere I go I'm like, I'm friends with a guy named Singh Singh.

[A]

So don't give me the old noun.

[B]

You even made that Jewish singer.

[A]

What are you looking forward to?

[C]

I'm looking forward to new comedy scene.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I guess.

[B]

What British stuff. Really? What, what do you, are you like a bangers and mash art rule? Can you name. Could you know the components of a full English breakfast? That was one of my questions.

[C]

You got the traditional English, the bacon that looks different.

[B]

You know where you know what kind of bacon that is?

[A]

You know they got a lot of balls over there. They say our bacon sucks.

[B]

What? It's great, dude.

[C]

It's like that thing's different style of

[B]

bacon still has like hair on it. It's like, get out of here.

[A]

Medium rare bacon. What are you guys doing over there? Cr.

[B]

It's usually back bacon in the uk it's less streaky than American bacon.

[C]

When I heard these two black guys in D.C. talking and I didn't know you ever heard black accent where you go like, what are you even saying? It was a security guard leaving a museum. And he goes, man, put, put sugar on that bacon turn brain. And I was like, what? He goes, put sugar on that bacon, turn brain. I finally said, if you put some sugar on some bacon, it'll brown up.

[A]

Yeah. Brown up. Yeah. A little maple sugar bacon.

[C]

Yeah, that they, the, the, the tomato. Little saute.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Mushrooms.

[A]

Mushrooms.

[B]

Mushrooms.

[C]

Those beans get you farting through the day.

[A]

But they're not sweet. That's the problem with those beans over there.

[C]

They're not.

[A]

Oh yeah, I like baked beans.

[C]

Yeah. In a can on a campfire like America.

[A]

Yeah. Beans on toast. I'll give you. They do that over there. I like that.

[B]

How do you feel about black pudding?

[C]

I love it.

[B]

Really?

[C]

And unfortunately, it'll be London, it won't be Edinburgh, but I love, love, love that Scottish what?

[A]

Scotch? Scotch eggs?

[B]

No, haggis.

[C]

Haggis.

[A]

You do love It.

[C]

Yeah, you gotta have it done right, man.

[A]

You know, you can only shower once a week over there. You wear that.

[B]

Can't use deodorant either.

[C]

That's not a London thing.

[A]

Yeah, it is.

[C]

Really. Okay.

[A]

And you're not gonna have. You're not gonna have all the chemicals over there. You're gonna be eating all the organic shit.

[C]

I'm excited for the girls that are their place with their janky teeth.

[B]

Hey, listen, you're a six at best.

[A]

You'll get this, honey, you wouldn't last one.

[C]

Teeth are perpendicular. No ice parallel.

[A]

No air conditioning.

[C]

Oh, yeah, Warm beer. Not looking forward to that. Yeah, they do. They pump it like this.

[B]

Yeah. That's pretty cool, though.

[C]

That is cool. Oh, no tipping. I'm most looking forward to that.

[B]

There is some tipping.

[C]

It's £2.90. And you're like, all right, here's £3. Like, here's your 10 pence back. And I'm like, no way.

[B]

Are you still gonna do that thing? I feel like you should represent Americans by tipping.

[A]

Yeah, come on, man. I'll embarrass us over there.

[C]

Tell you what, I'll do both. I'll tip and then whenever I see a cow patty and they're sleeping, I'll shove those over too. I'll tip it every sense.

[A]

All the houses are powered by those things on the water. Those, like, windmill things.

[B]

Water.

[A]

That was a good bit.

[C]

Is that Holland?

[B]

Wikipedia.

[C]

Yeah. Wikipedia Jones.

[A]

All right, let's get into some. See how British Ari really is.

[B]

Are you rubbish?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

See how if I'm trash over there?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Well, yes.

[C]

I want to see if I'm regal or rubbish.

[B]

Regal or rubbish is pretty good. Royal or rubbish?

[C]

Royal or rubbish?

[B]

I met a British guy last night at this cellar and he said, I swear I forgot about Jersey. He said, I want to thank you for. You guys are bringing American, like, nuanced subcultures that as an outsider, we've never knew. And you guys are bringing these things to light of what it truly means to be an American.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

I was drunk, Brown.

[C]

You guys are the real.

[A]

I caught him a liney and slapped him over the head. I want to see if you're going to embarrass yourself over there, cause an international incident, be sent back.

[C]

I'm going to try. I'm going to try my best. People say, I'm going to get arrested. And I'm like, do you know how much that'll skyrocket my career? We've had cancellations. We've never had arrests here.

[B]

What are the set?

[C]

Buck and Shackles?

[A]

Scotland Yard.

[C]

Oh, the Yard. I'll get one of those pipes to go like that.

[A]

You're not to detect.

[C]

Solve crimes. Where's the best sales here?

[B]

What. What are the weed laws in. In London?

[C]

Oh, they are not like us.

[B]

Yeah, no. Yeah, you're gonna be.

[C]

You got kicked out. Me and I forget who it was a la comic. We're in Edinburgh, outside Pop up bar. It was like inside and we're in the courtyard and we lit up joints and the bouncers like, are you fucking crazy?

[B]

That's pretty crazy.

[C]

In an establishment in the outside area. And he goes, would you do that where you're from? And we're like, dude, yes. That's why we both did it. This is completely normal where we are.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

Over there.

[B]

What do you got?

[C]

It's not.

[B]

You can get your medical card, though, which really. That's starting to open up.

[C]

Yeah, you know what? I had that in two seconds. So I had it in la and it was always sleeplessness, whatever. And they had a period.

[B]

You look like a really cool DJ at like, at like Electric Zoo or something. Bloody Ari. Chef. Bloody. Yeah, bloody out.

[A]

Bloody hell.

[B]

Ibiza.

[A]

What's up?

[C]

Yeah, so anyway, he goes, what do you want to put down? It was like that one year period was medical here before it was fully legal. And I knew a doctor. He goes, you can put down anything, I don't care, I'll just sign it. And I was like, aids. And he goes, I can put AIDS on there if you want. I was like, so. By the New York Medical Association. I did have AIDS for one year. Magic Johnson did, I guess.

[A]

Jordan

[C]

Wizard Johnson. That's where I'm going.

[B]

What's that?

[C]

They have wizards. They don't have magicians.

[B]

Oh, man, they're gonna know you're high right away, dude.

[C]

Dude, I gotta mock their accents from

[B]

day one that I have that problem. I start talk like. I start talking like people.

[A]

Don't be like fucking Madonna. Don't be coming back here. Let me tell you something right now. You start coming back here and you start saying cheers when somebody gives you

[C]

something, people, mate, you're gonna hate me when I get back. First of all. Legend. Legend for that.

[A]

Cheers.

[C]

Cheers, Cheers.

[B]

That or if you do. Oh, it's half tail and stuff like that. Yo, it's. It's just like, oh, what time? It's free.

[A]

Remember we were at that bar in the. It was a great bar, but the bartender would. He said, cheers and called his Mate,

[B]

dude, it was 11 years ago.

[C]

He's not over it. He's still.

[B]

Swear to God, dude, it was 11 years.

[C]

He's still hot on this.

[B]

And also, though he didn't call his mate, he said, cheers. And it's like, well, he is giving two guys.

[A]

It's like, no, that.

[B]

It's not. Like we were at, like, the. The cv and he's like, cheers.

[C]

Yeah. Good day.

[B]

It was a British pub.

[C]

Yeah. Anytime somebody's like, it's Tuesday, I'm like, it's Tuesday. Listen to this idiot. Listen to you. The way you talk.

[B]

You're wrong.

[C]

You're wrong.

[B]

Can you name five people in the Royal Family?

[C]

Prince Charles. Prince Edward. Prince Charles.

[B]

Prince Chucky.

[C]

Diana. Princess.

[A]

No, no, no. That are alive today.

[C]

Princess Barbara.

[A]

Who's that?

[B]

She's the ugly one.

[C]

Countess.

[A]

They keep her in the tower.

[C]

Countess Louisina. No, I cannot.

[A]

Are you kidding me?

[C]

Prince Edward. Prince Charles.

[A]

Who's Prince Edward?

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

That's when you get your dick pierced. That's what that is.

[C]

Prince Harry. Harry Styles.

[B]

Simon, Jimmy Carr.

[A]

All right, you got Charles and Harry.

[C]

Charles and Harry.

[B]

Well, one of them's out, right? Whatever Edward is counts.

[C]

Edward?

[A]

Who's Edward?

[B]

That's a blind guess.

[C]

It was.

[A]

But he's the youngest kid.

[C]

Ruficina. Ruficina.

[B]

That hairline looks real on you. It's fucking me up a little bit

[C]

after I get back from Thailand from Istanbul. And they go, no, it doesn't cure graying. And I'm like, oh, can you name five people of the Royal Family?

[A]

Charles Harry Williams.

[C]

That's the Royal Rumble right there.

[A]

Andrew and Fergie.

[C]

Fergie from the Black

[A]

Eyed Peas? No, Princess Fergie. She was the Hewitt in a group. Oh, yeah, the red hair. She run around banging everybody. Had. No disrespect.

[B]

Have you ever been.

[A]

What am I talking about? What the.

[C]

You guys gonna do all disrespect?

[A]

You said MI6 over to kill me.

[C]

God, what are they gonna do? Come over here again and try to take it back?

[A]

Yeah, you failed twice. Actually, you know what? They came back a couple weeks later and burned the White House down.

[C]

Did they really? Yeah, that's why it was white. It's blue before that. And they just. I put a quick coat of white on there. Show them we didn't lose.

[A]

Cover it up.

[C]

They've never changed.

[A]

What's it called? What's the British term for standing in line?

[C]

Queuing.

[A]

Very good. Very good.

[B]

I'm edging. Have you ever been pictured with Prince Andrew, he's the one that got in trouble, right?

[C]

Yeah. We had some photos and he was very adamant that those had to be deleted immediately. He goes, there's too many people in there he did not want to be seen with. In hindsight, I'm glad he got rid of those.

[A]

Ari's got his hair in pigtails.

[C]

I was trying to pass as a

[A]

12 year old, just trying to get a free trip.

[C]

I had one of those big lollipops and like one of those suits with shorts and I'm like, ari, mate, why

[A]

are you still have my innocence? Ari, if somebody holds a door open for you in the uk, what should you say?

[C]

Cheers.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

Thanks, bruv.

[C]

Bruv, I can do it myself.

[A]

Say in a high British accent. Thank you very much.

[C]

Thank you very much.

[A]

What?

[C]

That's.

[B]

Well, that's. That's what you say here.

[A]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

[B]

We are unprepared.

[C]

Who's in the research department? Are you garbage?

[B]

Unfortunately, it's us too.

[C]

Are you riffing?

[B]

Are you reaching?

[C]

Are you reaching? I do want to be royal.

[A]

What's the name of the British flag?

[C]

The Union Jack.

[A]

Who's the lead singer of the Rolling Stones?

[C]

Hold on, that could be Australia.

[A]

No, I think that's the Union Jack. Who's the lead singer of the Rolling Stones?

[C]

Robert Plant.

[B]

Damn.

[C]

Is it.

[B]

No, it's fucking Mick Jagger.

[A]

Oh, yeah, you're getting your ass kicked over there.

[B]

Which I don't know if I wanted to be British, but I wanted to be American. My boy can't be a fucking turncoat all day.

[A]

They're going to be playing painted black in a bar. You'd be like, I love the Beatles.

[C]

What are they? They have beer pong. What's their beer pong over there?

[B]

They probably, I don't know, tennis.

[C]

Tennis on a grass court.

[B]

Are you going to do, like.

[A]

You're going to go to the.

[B]

Learn how to play snickerdoodle or whatever?

[C]

I'm going to learn how to fucking do a field hockey on a horse. Whatever that. Fuck.

[A]

Polo.

[C]

Polo, yeah.

[B]

Field hockey on a horse.

[A]

Are you going to go to Wimbledon?

[C]

I'm going to be such trash there compared to those people. They'd be like, oh, everywhere I go with just me normal. Which, by the way, is way classy. Here, I'll take.

[A]

I'll tell you what, you're not gonna.

[B]

You think you normal is way classy. Compare we have nine episodes proving that you're not classy, Ari. What are you talking about?

[C]

I'm still so Mad about it. As soon as out of my mouth, I was like, he's gonna call me on that, Ari.

[A]

You know the one thing you can't do over there? Steal.

[C]

Do tell. Steal.

[A]

Yeah. So you have to pay for your almonds or whatever. You steal from airports.

[C]

They don't fuck around with that H. Challenge accepted.

[B]

Oh, God, you're nuts.

[C]

If I come back, that guy already got arrested. Like for jokes. For, like, really dark jokes. Like, no, you're gonna be in the

[A]

Tower of London with chains hanging like that.

[C]

Oh, one of those stocks.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And the throw tomatoes at me.

[B]

Tar and feather. Yeah, whatever.

[A]

You'll like it.

[C]

If I'm in the stocks, bro, that's going to be. That's going to rule. I'm like, can I get a seat on the stocks, though? At least I'll sit down and do it. I don't want to stand the whole thing.

[A]

Is it acceptable to use profanity in public in places? In Britain, I'd say.

[C]

Oh, yeah. In some place like Camden.

[A]

Nope. No?

[C]

No, Those people are. They have real garbage there.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Original garbage.

[A]

Yeah yeah yeah. You're living.

[C]

Oh, gee.

[A]

Can't be walking around Notting Hill acting like a fucking jerk off. That's where Hugh Grant lives and he lives there with Julia Roberts.

[C]

So he fucks those trans. Wait, was it trans or just a hooker?

[B]

He was his nanny or something, right?

[C]

No, I think it was like a black hooker. It was something undesirable.

[A]

Trans. The term is escort to them.

[C]

It wasn't an escort, it was a street lady. Lady was loose.

[B]

Do you know the top five UK exports?

[C]

Oasis.

[A]

Yeah, shout out to the boys. Let's go.

[C]

Oasis. Dingleberries. Delicious class system. What else is there?

[B]

Paul?

[C]

Malls.

[B]

Paul.

[A]

Malls.

[C]

Oh, Winston's Hedges is what I was looking for.

[A]

Winston's Winston Cup. This guy's nuts.

[C]

And fuck. I don't fuck you.

[B]

Do you have a dude with that hair? You have a founding Father face. It's crazy. He looks like he should be on the back of the nickel or something.

[A]

Sir Ari Shaffir founded the first deli in the United States. He brought babka to George Washington.

[C]

The Louvre.

[B]

The Lou.

[C]

The Louis. The loo.

[A]

The bathroom.

[C]

Yeah. Is that the Louvre?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They're not going to start calling like a water closet and stuff?

[C]

WC Aluminium. The urinal.

[B]

Urinal.

[C]

Oh, yeah, dude, they're fucked over there. That's the urinal.

[B]

Urinal.

[C]

Urinal. Dude. Every time I've been to. Every time I've been to Glastonbury, I Can't stop laughing at. Every time they talk about going to

[A]

the bathroom, just say, hey, man, where's the bathroom?

[C]

Where's the bathroom? Where's the shithole go? Birds. Yeah, I might. I might take on the Birds.

[A]

I think should become an Eagles fan.

[C]

Trashy organization, really. Like, set myself apart.

[A]

When greeting someone, can you pick your nose in Britain? No. No. You can't eat boogers either. What then? Only at 12 o' clock at high tea.

[C]

High tea, yes.

[A]

I'll have the boogers, please.

[C]

You got to do with your pinky?

[B]

Pinky's out.

[A]

I'll do a cup of Earl Grey. And what type of boogers you have. When greeting someone new in Britain, people tend to A, hug them, B, shake their hands, C, kiss them on the cheek, or D, hit him with a ball tap.

[C]

None of the above. It's D, hit him with a ball tap. It's take your sword, move it to your weak side, do a full bow and then lay down your coat for them to step over a puddle of which there are many.

[A]

Quite the gentleman.

[C]

Yeah. What a fucking ball tap. Oh, I gotta bring ball taps there. I gotta make a list of shit I gotta bring into a British society.

[A]

You really have an opportunity to change the culture over there.

[C]

I really do.

[A]

You really do. Because you're just crazy enough to do it or you're gonna turn into the Joker.

[C]

Yeah. Oh, I'll have one of these. I'll bring to them.

[B]

Goddamn patriot right there.

[C]

I'll put this away till I get to England.

[A]

What do I say to you, sir? Hey, don't go.

[C]

I feel like they invented those.

[A]

No, that's a tassel. Wake up. Chub off.

[C]

I think I just make up.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

Do you know any Cockney sayings?

[C]

No. I'll remember when I get there. Give me some.

[B]

What's this mean? I'm outside having a hairy rag,

[C]

changing a woman's tampon.

[A]

I would have to assume some from. What I want to understand from Guy Ritchie movies.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Is that they like to rhyme. So I'm half serious. Having a what?

[C]

Harry rag.

[B]

Harry rag. W, R, A, G, G. Which I would assume.

[A]

Which I would assume is a synonym.

[C]

No, it's got to be a beer.

[A]

Rhymes with fag, which they call cigarettes. You're outside having a cigarette, having a cig.

[C]

Yo, Harry rag. I'll go Harry Rag over.

[A]

I don't think Harry rag. A fag. I'm having a smoke, mate, before we do the job.

[B]

Basin, honey, money.

[C]

One time I was at the Comedy Store, I was Working the door and there was some British guy and he goes. And I was so over everyone trying to make jokes when they came in. I was just over it. We have the best comics in the world and you're gonna fucking make a joke? And so I was ringing somebody up and I had turned and he goes, do you allow fags here? And I was like, yes, it's la, man.

[B]

Everybody sucks dick.

[C]

And then I turned back around, he had already lit up and I was like, oh, no, that is actually not allowed.

[A]

You roll over and you put turn around your dicks out. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. Okay, Kevin. Talk about Helix. Helix. Let's talk about Helix once again. We can't say nothing about Helix. They've been what's from the beginning. If you're looking for a good night's sleep, you want a Helix. Am I right or am I wrong?

[B]

You.

[A]

That's right. You go over there, you take the quiz. One, two, three. Two minutes. Find out how you sleep, whether you sleep cold, hot, if you're tall, if you're fat, you're short, light, heavy, anything you want, they'll match up with the perfect mattress for you. I'm telling you that right now. Both of us sleep on Helixes. Our family members sleep on Helixes. Everybody loves Helix. Do yourself a favor, get a Helix.

[B]

Yeah, I had one for about five, at least five, six years now maybe. Game changer was the first thing, the first adult purchase I made where I'm like, you know what? I gotta stop being a bozo. I'm gonna upgrade also. They sent me a free one. How you doing? I liked it so much, we upgraded to a king. I got one at the cooking. My mom's got. Everybody's freaking got one. They got free shipping and seamless delivery. Helix delivers your mattress right to your door. With US shipping. With free shipping in the US 120 night sleep trial and a limited lifetime warranty. The Happy with Helix guarantee rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges. The Happy with Helix guarantee offers a risk free customer first experience designed to ensure you're completely satisfied with your new mattress. They got over 20 models for you.

[A]

Let's go.

[B]

Let's go to helixleep.com for 20% off site wide, 25% off luxe mattresses and 30% off elite mattresses. How you doing? That's helixleep.com garbage. One more time. 20% off sitewide, 25% off flex mattresses, 30% off elite mattresses. Make sure to enter our show name at checkout. So they know the boy sent you. @helixleep.com Garbage, Mississippi is breaking new ground

[C]

for business at a historic pace. Amazon, xai, Toyota, Milwaukee Tool and GE Aerospace have all tapped into our deep talent pool. Prime geographic location and welcoming communities. This is bigger than Megasites. Mississippi offers a thriving business ecosystem with affordability, greater collaboration with energy partners and record breaking speed to market. Looking to expand, break new [e-mail] Damn. I didn't know. Harry. Rag. Guys, I'm going to be in a lot of trouble there.

[B]

How about. How about.

[A]

Are you. Are you. And when you're with. When you're with a lady, are you. Are you a big PDA guy? Like public displays of affection?

[C]

No. Only strangers.

[A]

You do a little smooching.

[C]

Only strangers. Only ever strangers. And I do the thing where the people got back from war and I'll just take a random girl, dip them and then give them the long kiss.

[A]

True or false? Public displays of affection, like not allowed kissing, are widely accepted.

[C]

No way.

[A]

That's because of their breath.

[C]

Zero. Yeah. They might get their teeth tangled. It'd be like two dogs after sex, unable to access exes.

[B]

Two deer.

[A]

You ever see two deer tangled up and one just walking around with the other deer's head?

[C]

Oh, the head. The one died. He's like, I'm still living.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's going to be. What would it mean if I said I'm Hank Marvin?

[C]

Okay. It's either going to mean that I actually am a guy named Hank Marvin, which I doubt that's what you mean. Hank Marvin, which. I'm hungover.

[A]

Hank Marvin. I'm starving. I'm hungry.

[C]

They rhyme.

[B]

Yeah, that's what they all rhyme. It was.

[C]

I thought we invented that.

[B]

No, Cockney was criminals and they rhyme. And that was their code.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

I'm Hank Marvin. I'm starving. Plenty of beans and mash. Hello. What's oldest then? Hello, governor.

[B]

You're pretty good.

[C]

You gotta come visit me.

[B]

No way.

[A]

In this political climate, I don't think so.

[C]

I'm Hank Marvin.

[B]

I gotta.

[C]

I'll just watch the episode. I gotta write all these down. Cause I really want to, day one, use every slang thing I can do.

[B]

I picture you just listening like you're just sitting on the plane, just watching this episode. Episode over and over, writing it down.

[C]

Hey, someone in the comments, write down all the slang so I could just look at that and then get it all.

[A]

All right, this is a trick. This is a tricky one.

[C]

Wait, wait. How do you. Tricky. Hop level. EDM guy from London.

[A]

Yeah, I know. Tricky.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Tricky was in the Fifth Element. Yeah.

[C]

Killed in that.

[A]

He was great.

[C]

Okay, Come on, Trickster.

[A]

Okay. If you're running late for an appointment.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You forgot to check your. What?

[C]

Timepiece?

[A]

No.

[C]

Pocket watch?

[A]

No, we have a similar word for it.

[C]

Big Ben.

[A]

Old Ben something maybe you write down to have your appointments note. Sure. Keep going. Didn't check my note card. Which could be what?

[C]

My Rolodex?

[A]

When you're.

[B]

You are the biggest donor of all time.

[A]

My notepad.

[B]

I know. I'm just saying. It's just years of being hot, crumbling under pressure. My roller.

[A]

A bus has to stay on time. Do you know what it is? Bus has to stay on schedule.

[C]

My notes.

[B]

Schedule.

[A]

Schedule. That's right.

[C]

I mean, you led me on a joke that I couldn't even figure out.

[A]

The setup on Ari was stuck outside. And when you get there, I can't

[C]

wait to go to, like, a real, like, EDM bar and be like, punch my dance card malady. Oh, my lady with some ladies.

[A]

When you get to set appointment and you're late, what is the proper thing to say?

[C]

I blame it on the tube. No, the overground was delayed. The overground, Milady, all apologies.

[A]

You're close, m'.

[C]

Lady. The tube was delayed. It wasn't my fault.

[A]

You had the right word. Apologies.

[C]

Apologies.

[A]

Apologies, gentlemen.

[C]

Apologies. And then take my sword. Oh, this is Japanese culture. Take my sword and stab. Whip it around. Now that's Japanese. Sorry, I'm mixing up my cultures.

[A]

You're that in the middle of Harrods, they throw you out.

[C]

They're going to every bar. We're like, who have we colonized today?

[B]

Somebody give me my spices.

[A]

Where's my myrrh? More intense.

[C]

And myrrh can't spell Punjabi without Ari Punjari.

[B]

That's my boy. Punjabi. What's it mean if you say this guy is full of beans?

[C]

He's lying.

[A]

That's pretty good. He's full of beans. Or he's mean.

[C]

He's mean. He's full of beans. He's lying.

[B]

I'd be pretty upset if I was full of beans.

[A]

Or he's stuffed.

[C]

He has to use the full of beans. Oh, he's farty.

[A]

Farty.

[C]

Could be farty. I say lying.

[A]

Yeah, he's full of beans. Yeah, full of beans. Lying.

[B]

Oh, I thought you guys knew.

[C]

No.

[A]

What?

[C]

He's looking at me like, oh, I asked the question.

[B]

I start guessing. It means he's energetic.

[A]

Oh, full of beans. Oh, like energy. Yeah.

[C]

Pep and beans or whatever that Makes that sounds right. Full of beans. Oh, you guys are full of beans today at my Tottenham game, not in a match.

[B]

What do you say? Well, what's it mean if I say, have a Captain Cook?

[A]

I have a captain.

[B]

Just got.

[A]

I have a Captain Cook.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Force Shanghai to bend the knee to the crown.

[B]

I don't even get that.

[A]

Take back Hong Kong.

[C]

I think Captain Cook was the one who launched missiles off the shore of Shanghai. I don't know. Captain Cook, I think it was.

[B]

Shanghai has missiles.

[C]

No, they didn't have shit. So he just launched a warship right there. And he goes, take our opium. And they go, no, take our opium. We'll just destroy fucking Shanghai.

[A]

Well, Sir Walter Reilly, who defeated the Spanish Armada with it. With a burning ship. They were parked too close together. Really? Yeah, he sent him in.

[C]

Speaking of too close together, shout out, Oliver Tree.

[A]

Shout out.

[C]

Let's face all those helicopters from now on.

[A]

Everybody shout out to Mr. Oliver Tree. What a fucking.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Legend. Legend that works there.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Works as British slang.

[A]

If you've never listened to the song Cowboys Don't Cry, do yourself a favor, listen to it.

[C]

Slag off, Oliver. Slag off into heaven.

[A]

Godspeed, mate.

[B]

He looks at me for approval, right?

[C]

You see more British than I do.

[A]

Are you gonna shave? Are you gonna change your appearance when you're over there? I don't.

[C]

I'm gonna reinvent myself. Dude, I could be anything. It's first day of summer camp.

[A]

You should start wearing suits all the time. Yeah, in a waistcoat.

[C]

I'm gonna home invade Jimmy Carr. He won't know. Those guys have no security. Home invade him. Steal all those suits. I'm coming for your car.

[A]

You bring any guns with you?

[C]

All of them.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

Yeah. And crossbows. I'm gonna do their. I'm taking a. I'm getting a Mace on a stick. I'm taking over, bro.

[A]

You should start wearing suits. You should shave, walk around like a gentleman. You know what you need to get though?

[C]

Sword and an umbrella.

[A]

Yeah, you gotta get an umbrella.

[C]

Umbrella with a sword in it.

[A]

Yeah. And there's one more thing you need.

[C]

What's that?

[A]

A London fog jacket.

[C]

That 100%.

[A]

You need a raincoat.

[C]

No joke. I'm beginning that.

[B]

You need a pair of wellies.

[C]

A nice dust. I have a pair of wellies.

[A]

What's a welly?

[C]

Wellies are boots that go up to pretty much your knee. Just rubber boots.

[B]

They're for festival me wellies.

[A]

Are you going to get a Range Rover? Like an old Range Rover?

[C]

I don't think I'm going to have a car out there.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah, but. But coaching horses. Oh my God. Dude, I got to pull up to everything in a coach. I bet you can rent them like you can rent limos. And I'm for sure doing that going

[A]

around like Jack the Ripper.

[C]

Just any comedy party, I'm going to show up. This outfit's jumping out of a stage.

[A]

Cheerio, gentlemen. Has the molly gotten here yet? Yeah, that's right.

[C]

Get a hooker and have her. Have her come out gently. I'm like, all right, seriously, it's my time's up, man. Oh my God, I can't wait to get a stage coach to a fucking party.

[B]

Is that a thing?

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

I will be.

[B]

I don't think it's a thing.

[A]

He's gonna change their coat. This guy's gonna cause problems.

[B]

This has international incident all over it.

[A]

Ari might have been contracted by the CA to go over there and cause by the caa.

[B]

Shout out to Justin.

[C]

Yeah, shout out, Justin. I was keeping it.

[A]

Love you, buddy.

[C]

Justin, come over, get some bangers.

[A]

CIA, you guys. Central Intelligence Agency.

[C]

That's right. I'll bring a couture to the culture.

[A]

That's right. Okay, what's percentage of a typical tip for good service in old jolly old England?

[C]

I know what it is. But to the Jews, they have a separate amount there. Shout out hot spurs. What is it, 0%? No, 10%. I know is their standard.

[A]

10%.

[C]

That's fucking.

[A]

No, no, you're not gonna tip.

[C]

I'm gonna ask for cash back.

[B]

I'm gonna ask for a discount. I'm goddamn Ari Shafry.

[C]

If I pay cash, can I get the fucking pro deal? I learned that from Dice. He goes in at 7:11 and pays like, I'll pay cash. Give me the pro deal. Like what? Pro deal? He goes, come on, come on, come on. Cash. Cash for real.

[B]

Cash is king.

[A]

Pro deal.

[C]

I do love paying in cash. And any bodega here, they go, yeah, of course. No tax. We'll keep this to ourselves.

[B]

Oh yeah. What's it mean if you say, oh, well, you also. You're not supposed to tip in pubs.

[C]

No, right. They. They just give you back the nickel.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I would.

[A]

You'll keep to deal with all that change, all those.

[C]

I'm going to tip. I'm going to change your culture and tip. I cannot. Even in Australia, people come back and they go, are you sure? I'm like, no, not anymore with that attitude.

[B]

But yeah, yeah, I Had a taxi driver tell me no one time, no to a tip. He's just like, no. I was like, it was like €4. I was just like, oh, here's a 10. And you're like. Because in my head, I'm like, I'm not gonna sit here for, like, the dollar. I'm gonna give you two, three bucks anyway, so it's. Yeah, yeah, take the six.

[C]

It's such a power move to just go, keep it to anybody bodega. Just like, it's fine. And they're like, oh, thanks. I, I. Me and Jay were at. In a Ottawa at a festival doing mushrooms. And we ordered a pizza later. And I couldn't tell, you know, when you're flying? I couldn't tell. All the bills were. They're different bills and they're all crumpled up in my pocket. And I just like, go to the delivery guy and just like, here. I think I was like, take these back. I'm like, all right. Thank you.

[B]

Honest guy.

[C]

Honest guy.

[A]

All right. What's the proper way to greet a woman that you don't know in Britain?

[C]

The thing on the puddle. Trench coat on the puddle. Okay, kiss their hand. You go down to one knee, kiss their hand.

[A]

Tongue, hit them with a gooch.

[C]

Yeah, take a hand, go like that. And that's. I'm gonna take American culture to that one day, m'. Lady.

[A]

Yeah, baby.

[C]

Oh, sir. I gotta watch that movie again.

[B]

Dude, I was. We were just talking.

[A]

Brush up on British culture.

[C]

That's gonna be all. Dated shagging. Yeah, let's have a shaggy.

[B]

Do you know the current exchange rate between the US dollar and the British pound?

[C]

I'm Jewish. 1.33.

[A]

Jesus Christ. Is it?

[C]

Yeah, man.

[B]

You are. Well, I have it the other way.

[C]

1.35.

[B]

No.

[C]

Oh. From Brits to.

[B]

From pounds to. From dollar one is how many British pounds? But you're probably right the other way around.

[A]

0.75.

[C]

Yeah, it's tough. The other way. I don't really have.

[B]

You just looked?

[A]

No, I didn't. Is that right?

[B]

Yeah. Hello.

[A]

Hello, mate. There you go. That's all we got 75 cents. They got 25 cents on us.

[B]

What did you say?

[C]

1.33.

[B]

It's 1.34, man. You're Jewish. He gets the choice.

[C]

Keep that war in Iran going. We'll get that number down.

[B]

So are you getting. You're going over there. You're getting jammed up.

[C]

What do you mean?

[A]

You're losing money?

[C]

No, but this shit costs less. You get a shot of whiskey for 290.

[A]

That's what you're.

[C]

That'd be. Here be five bucks.

[A]

That's what your economic plan is based on.

[B]

Whiskey.

[C]

Shot of whiskey. It's all Scot. I'm just putting all my money in Scotch.

[B]

You have a British beer that you like drinking. You don't go there and, like, don't drink the cheap fucking, you know, Croatian beer.

[C]

Look at this piece of trash. Beer. Cider, bro. Beer me. Fucking garbage person.

[B]

Did you get some balls on this guy last night?

[C]

Cider.

[B]

I'm sitting there drinking a Budweiser, right?

[A]

American beer.

[C]

Budweiser, yeah.

[B]

It's actually a. I believe it was a Czech beer.

[C]

There is a Czech Budweiser still around.

[B]

Yeah, I think it was the same. Or maybe there's no relationship.

[A]

I spit in your face, slap the

[B]

shit out of me. Bud Visor. He might have been the same family,

[C]

but anywho, any who sounds British.

[A]

Any who.

[B]

I go. He goes, he's already trying to. He thinks he's classier than he is. And he goes. He's across. He doesn't even come over. Like, there's like 15ft. He's talking over people. He goes, what kind of beers? Budweiser. Like, he's like, contemplating.

[C]

Is it a lager?

[B]

He goes. I go, I think a lager. He comes over, he goes, is it a Pilsner? He starts reading my label.

[A]

I go, get the fuck.

[B]

You want one or not, dickhead? Getting over here. Meanwhile, then I gotta pay for his beers.

[A]

I got wings coming here.

[C]

Here, let me show you how I'm gonna go into every bar. This is because I do do this in. In England and I love it. It's this. Come in, sit at the bar, get

[B]

beat up,

[C]

put your knife down, let them know you're not in trouble. So you put your knife, you go, lager, and that's it.

[A]

A laga.

[B]

Yeah, like you're in a movie.

[C]

Just punt me one. Yeah.

[A]

No blades, no bows. Leave your weapons here.

[C]

That's right. That's right.

[B]

Do you have a brand that you like? Of, of, of.

[C]

I hate them all.

[A]

What about Bass Sale? I like a nice bass ale.

[C]

Oh, that's theirs?

[A]

Yeah, I believe so. Right, Luke, Luke, can you give me

[B]

the list of the top five black and tan?

[A]

Give me a snake bite. Make it quit.

[B]

Sex on the Beach.

[C]

I'm a black and tan top five.

[A]

I'll do a blue iguana and some of them crisps.

[B]

British beers. I know Magner's is on there.

[A]

Magner. That's a cider.

[C]

That's a cider. That's my jam and guvervoffen or whatever it's called. The fucking flavored. The flavored one. Riedelcorder. Riedelink. Riddling. I don't know.

[B]

We got a Beavertown.

[C]

Nope, that's a made up. That's an IPA fake. That's an AI fake. Nope.

[A]

What?

[B]

This is a bad list.

[C]

Bad list. AI is always wrong.

[A]

Bass ale. That's on there.

[C]

What about the green one? There's a green one.

[A]

Mickey's big mouth.

[B]

Fuller's seems to be a big one.

[A]

Fuller's.

[C]

There's a green one.

[B]

Magner's. I said that.

[A]

Yeah, Fuller's.

[B]

You got Newcastle?

[C]

Of course. The black.

[A]

Yeah. There you go. That's a nice. That's a nice little pop. Ice cold Newcastle. What's this up? Old peculiar tenants?

[C]

It's Tenets.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

John Smith. Hey. The partner. Joan Smith.

[C]

Oh, Smithwick's.

[A]

Smithwick.

[C]

Smithwick's.

[A]

Tenets is great.

[B]

Newcastle, Marston's. Timmy Taylor's. People's lives.

[A]

Like Timmy Taylor. I mean, a couple of Timmy taters and a pack of Crisp, Mate, I

[B]

don't know any of the Camden Town show off. This looks like all new age.

[C]

Yeah, these are like. These are micro bruised.

[A]

You know what you're. You know you are going to enjoy over there.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, I know you got a bit of a sweet tooth.

[C]

Oh yeah.

[A]

Nice British candies. Get a lemon sherby. Lemon sherbet candy. Little sherby bit in the middle.

[C]

Like the one where you stick the thick. The push pop.

[A]

No, the Flintstones, if that helps. Sure. No, this is a hard candy. Lemon sherby.

[C]

Right, Luke, I'm really gonna try the

[B]

Percy pigs are a big one.

[A]

Percy pigs.

[B]

You know what those are?

[C]

No. What's their least flavorful candy? What's the British like? Recession candy. That's still around. Black licorice.

[A]

Hey, two chips of wood for you, Ari. Are you gonna start eating goose?

[C]

Yeah, pate goose. Foie gras. Oh, that's French.

[A]

Yeah, that's French. Can't get a decent piece of foie gras in England. You can. I don't know, I've never been there. Seems like a lovely country, to be honest with you. Shout out to them. I like the Stones, not a fucking asshole.

[C]

Rolling.

[A]

Of course.

[C]

Stone Roses.

[A]

All right, which of these is not considered a British social norm? Holding the door, littering, using please and thank you or giving somebody you don't know a wet willy?

[C]

They gotta think it's the last one. I gotta believe it's the last one. But also, let's test it. Let's see with these people how they feel about wet willies or noogies. I feel noogies are more aggressive.

[A]

What the fuck? Isn't it?

[B]

No. If somebody gave me a wet dude wet willy, it's on site.

[C]

You'd be more upset by a wet woolly. But a noogie is more violent.

[B]

Yeah, but a wet willy is. They penetrate you. They penetrate. They enter. They, they. And they lubricate themselves and then enter bodily fluids.

[C]

And you get. They get in there and it's like deep and you can't get it out. So, like, kind day.

[B]

You still feel it.

[A]

The answer was.

[C]

Thank God you guys are wearing headphones right now.

[B]

Oh, dude. I just went through my head. I said, thank God.

[A]

He can't get me be littering. You don't litter in Britain.

[C]

Oh, so there's two.

[A]

No, I made the second one, the last one up.

[B]

Nuh.

[A]

Comedy show. Comedy podcast. All you rubbish.

[C]

I was gonna say littering. I, I, I, I. Yeah, I do it in New York now. Just because it's like you're littering. Done with a bottle, man. I'm leaving. Fuck this town, man.

[A]

What a piece of shit.

[C]

Old York, this guy.

[B]

I'm an old.

[A]

I'm Old South.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you gonna get a British citizenship?

[C]

I can apply after three years. I got my. I got my artist visa. I'm five years in. I can vote. I probably won't. I can vote. I can.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

Who do they vote for?

[C]

I'm just voting for the fucking tallest one.

[B]

How's the air up there?

[C]

Who the.

[A]

Who do they vote for? Thought they had a king.

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, Prime Minister.

[B]

I'm also gonna call Parliament. I'm sure. Judges.

[A]

All right.

[C]

I'm gonna call him president. Until people leave me out of political discussions. That's what I'm most excited for. I so don't know their system. But people like you can't join in this conversation. Like, that's all I ever wanted here.

[A]

Can you go to Parliament and watch those? Those guys are killing over there. They're murdering.

[B]

I believe they do have an open.

[A]

Yeah, they're. Dude, those guys are all funny as shit.

[C]

God. If you saw me on stage yesterday, I could be one of those fucking guards that won't laugh. Anybody from audio?

[B]

That's what that jacket. We have the hat if you want it. We have the Beefeater hat. Yeah.

[A]

Beef eater.

[C]

It's a beefeater what is that, Jin?

[A]

Yeah, but talk about that chili pad. Chili pad. I know you're. You're a hot sleeper. You sleep hot.

[B]

Hot boxing it.

[A]

That's what I want to tell everybody about the chiliped 2.0 by Sleep Me. It's the most advanced version yet of the bed cooling system built specifically people who are tired of waking up hot and sweaty. There is nothing that I hate more than waking up hot and sweaty. You gotta adjust the covers. You gotta do this, you gotta do that. Chilipad works with the existing mattress. There's no need for a new bed.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Works right there. Bang. There you go. Sleeping comfortable.

[B]

Uh huh. It actively cools or warms your bed by using water. It's a thermostat for your bed. And water is the key here. Fans just move hot air around like a bozo. That's all a fan does. We're talking about the chilipad. It uses actively chilled water to cool the bed. Oh God. Actually pull pulling heat away from your body and the difference is standing in front of a fan or jumping into a cold pool. You do the math. Okay. Okay. Visit www.sleep.me garbage to get up to $255 off your Chilipad 2.0 with code GARBAGE. This special offer is available for RU Garbage listeners, so take advantage advantage of it only for a limited time. Order today with free shipping and try it out for 30 days. You can return it for free if you don't like. If you don't like it with their sleep trial, visit www.sleep.me garbage and never wake up hot and tired again.

[A]

Yeah, Kevin's talking about Progressive.

[B]

Shout out to Progressive.

[A]

Yeah, that's right, baby. You're listening to this podcast, so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact. You might not know it yet, but drivers who switch and save with Progressive save over $900 on average. Talking about $900 you're saving, pop over to progressive.com, answer some questions and you'll get a quick quote with discounts that are easy to come by. In fact, 99% of their auto customers earn at least one discount.

[B]

Yes. Visit progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little cash back. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month saving of $946 by new customer surveyed who save with Progressive between June 2024 and May 2025. Potential savings will vary.

[A]

For a guy.

[C]

That's the. This is like I'll do it for

[A]

a guy well traveled. You don't really know what the hell's going on.

[C]

No, I'm really a bad traveler. Speaking of travel, I have a travel podcast, of course, called you'd be tripping. You've both been on there individually and as a group.

[B]

You be holidaying.

[A]

Hello.

[C]

Oh, you'll be holidaying.

[A]

You'll be holidaying.

[B]

All right. Don't go. Don't. If you start fucking talk, it's gonna bother me.

[A]

Where are you gonna go on vacation?

[C]

That's gonna make me.

[B]

I know, and that's what bothers me. That's why I love and hate you.

[C]

If I see it bugging people, I'm gonna do. If I see it actually hurt people, I'll pull you aside, do a real apology. But if I see it slightly annoy anybody, I'm. I'm digging in.

[A]

Where are you gonna vacation? Where do British people go on vacation, Luke and not guys. Give me a beach.

[C]

The Yorkshires. Bristol. Anyway, every year travel podcast, you'll be tripping. I give out awards. Best trip, best guests, least adventurous, biggest piece of shit award. The Joe derosa award. And I have every year most disgusting. As an award, it's usually for stepping in a puddle in fucking India. That's like too yellow.

[A]

I cut my foot off.

[B]

So this year I'd rather a wet willie.

[A]

I ain't done.

[B]

What the heck's this?

[C]

The trippy award winner for most disgusting. H. Foley for shitting in his pants. On a fucking. Right in your pants.

[A]

Oh, wow, look at that.

[C]

It's a butt.

[A]

That's beautiful, ari. Thank you.

[C]

Congratulations.

[A]

2020, 25. Trippy Award most disgusting bus shark. Oh, for Route 66.

[B]

It happened so many times. You didn't know.

[C]

Like I only told you about one.

[A]

I didn't know. I My pants in grease.

[B]

I like to think I'd like to thank the good folks at McDonald's

[A]

for

[C]

really making it possible.

[A]

Shout out to the Taco Bell cantina menu, everybody. Ari. That's. This is nice.

[C]

Yeah. Congratulations.

[A]

Crap.

[B]

You give me grief.

[A]

Beautiful, Ari. Thank you very much.

[C]

You're welcome. Thank you. Thanks for shooting. For the benefit of my audience, of course. Charting. Excuse me.

[A]

Of course I'm a goddamn award winner.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Next is an Emmy.

[B]

Who's the current prime minister?

[C]

Margaret Thatcher. That one. I know.

[A]

The Iron Lady.

[C]

Margaret. I was just going to answer confidently like Americans always do.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Margaret fucking Thatcher.

[A]

So what do you guys think? Tony Blair is doing a good job.

[C]

It's Tony Blair. It's not. It's Bruce Stark, Bruce Johnson, Bruce Hills. Bruce.

[A]

No, it was Bruce, it was Benny Johnson.

[B]

Berger.

[C]

Who is the current Prime Minister?

[A]

It was Johnson. And now it's some other.

[B]

I have it. Some other dickhead

[A]

Kaisen.

[C]

Is it? Kaiser Soze is the strusky and drag.

[B]

The current Prime Minister of the United Kingdom is Keir Starmer, who assumed office on July 5, 2024. You find it weird that they take fucking office after July 4th? They have to take it a big L. They gotta fucking get a new squad in there.

[C]

The Prime Minister is the guy who's in charge of. Of severance. I don't know. It's a deep Kieran Culkin. Some people will get it.

[A]

Have you ever seen the show?

[B]

I don't think anybody gets it. And I'm pretty sure you don't get it.

[C]

I don't know. Kier runs it.

[A]

Kieran Culkin.

[C]

Kieran Culkin's the Prime Minister of Britain?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

What's okay here? Let me ask you a question. This is for the ones and twos. What's the difference in Britain, England and uk?

[A]

What's the difference between Britain, England and the uk? The United Kingdom refers to all of Her Majesty's or His Majesty's territories.

[C]

So the colonies too?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Like Canada is the uk.

[A]

No, not anymore.

[C]

No. They broke off.

[A]

Switch it up. Yeah, but that's what it referred to. The United Kingdom, the Seychelles, Britain.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Refers to everything on the island. Britain, Northern Ireland, and Scotland, Wales.

[B]

And.

[A]

And England refers to the actual, you know, property. England.

[C]

Look at this guy.

[B]

But then what's his name?

[A]

Is that right?

[B]

What's the difference?

[A]

L. Theanine's really working. I'm smart as shit.

[B]

But in that I. Wow. You said the thing that British is on the island.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Britain refers to Great. Great Britain, England, Northern Ireland, Scotland.

[B]

Gotcha.

[A]

Gotcha.

[B]

And then England is England.

[C]

And then soon Scotland will break free. This is what I'm getting arrested for. Have another referendum. You guys are out. You will take you and give you tons of fucking free shit. They'll pay for your college.

[B]

Who are you talking to?

[C]

England pays for the Scotland's college. Everyone in Scotland gets free college because they fucking bent the knee.

[B]

Okay, so you're saying that's the only

[C]

reason they don't leave?

[B]

You want Scotland to leave and go

[C]

to the Free Scotland. Free Scotland. Everyone's talking about free other Palestine. Free fucking tacos on Tuesday. How about Free Scotland?

[B]

This episode Swagged.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Will you be going back to school? You'd be going to university?

[C]

Uni.

[A]

Uni.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You gonna go take Some classes.

[C]

I'm gonna go hit on fucking uni chicks, try to get them back to

[A]

the new brow chicks.

[B]

Uni Brown Poland.

[C]

Yeah. Maybe I'll go to uni and take a class. Better take a class.

[A]

Didn't you already take a. You took a writing class in France.

[C]

I'm finishing school. I'll go to finishing school.

[A]

You have to wear the book on your head.

[C]

I'll become a gentleman. There you go. I'll learn to be the opposite of this. How to bend your napkin over and dip it, then bend it back in half.

[A]

Well, they used to use the tablecloth back in the day.

[C]

No way.

[A]

It was considered normal to drive to.

[C]

What?

[A]

Yeah, use the tablecloth.

[C]

Spoken like a rogue.

[A]

I'm telling a rogue. You're gonna get your ass kicked.

[C]

Rapscallion. I gotta get my ass kicked.

[A]

Rapscallion.

[C]

Stop it. You ne' er do wells. Stop it, you

[A]

nerf pistols at dawn.

[C]

Unhand me.

[A]

Your friend Jimmy Carr can introduce you to some people. Gotta get on that goddamn Graham Norton show. He's the biggest thing over there.

[C]

Who the is Graham Norton?

[A]

Why does everybody say that?

[C]

Who the. Who the is that guy?

[A]

I'll tell you right now.

[B]

And I tell you, he just went.

[A]

Somebody get this back to him. Graham Norton is the best late night talk show host ever. Graham, he has the best format. He's got all celebrities on it. All drinking wine or talking.

[C]

Drinking wine. I'm back in. Graham, I'm sorry I disrespected you. I'm here for the wine, you know,

[A]

with a Graham Norton show.

[C]

I'll just hang out in the green room for that wine. Who's on there?

[A]

You're treating like the green room of the mothership. Yeah, and they're dropping acid.

[C]

Guys, I'm glad you enjoyed your punch today. Now for the surprise.

[B]

I hope you packed your bags because you're going on a trip.

[C]

How do they say dosing in England? Illegally dosing you. By the way, everyone in England, when that person pointed his balls out, they were all like, yeah, my friends have all done that to me. They lived harder there. Maybe just northern England.

[B]

So you're truly going home to where you belong then? Truly.

[C]

Truly.

[A]

You're going to take those black cabs.

[B]

Hey, they're African American.

[C]

Come on. Easy.

[A]

That kind of humor. Here, you're going to take the. The.

[C]

The penny farthing.

[A]

Yeah, that's not what they're called.

[B]

Penny farthing's a bike.

[C]

And I'm getting one. And I'm getting one. I decided right now, anyone who has a for sale used penny farthing, bring it.

[A]

That's what the big tar know little time.

[C]

Reach out to me on Instagram.

[A]

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. The black cabs. The black. They're the black cars.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you sit opposite each other. You can fold down seat so four people, you can face each other.

[A]

Oh, that's pretty sick.

[C]

It is pretty sick. With a lot of room.

[A]

Yeah. Penny farthing.

[C]

A penny farthing?

[B]

Yeah, get you one right now, dude.

[C]

I'm gonna take a penny farthing to the Coach and Horses. Rent that then.

[B]

Penny, two grand.

[A]

No, there's one for $11.

[B]

It's a keychain. Yeah, bozos.

[A]

What about the one on top?

[B]

That's a keychain.

[C]

What are these keychains?

[B]

You're gonna buy a antique bike for $29? I want a new free shipping. Fucking idiot. Penny Farley. Exact Republic of 1880. Includes shipping in the price.

[C]

No, no, I want a new. I don't need a fucking antique one. I just want a real functional one.

[B]

That is a functional one.

[C]

Modell's has one for 18.50.

[A]

No, they don't.

[B]

Wait, Modell's, the sporting goods store that closed 25 years ago?

[C]

Yes, that's right. My references are old.

[A]

Where are you gonna shop?

[C]

Uniqlo's Big.

[B]

What are you, a Japanese tourist? Yeah.

[A]

You can't wear that shit. You walk around in super dry like a dickhead.

[C]

Super dry. Oh, that's awesome.

[B]

Wearing G Star raw denim and stuff like that.

[C]

What is their stores? They have. They have like.

[A]

You got Harrods.

[B]

Europe loves G Star.

[C]

I'm only going to wear clothes I buy at auction. I'm gonna bid. I'm gonna bid on clothes with Sotheby's? Yeah, Sotheby's. Cake for like used shorts, hole in the bottom of it. They're like, do here one. Do here one, one, one, one, one. Do I want. Do I want a two? Two, two from the gentleman with a white wig.

[A]

Do I hear 2019 for the Iron man graphic?

[C]

Te

[A]

the gentleman in the back dressed like Sherlock Holmes.

[C]

I'm gonna get a garage beer.

[A]

Have a garage beer. Ari.

[C]

You brought. You came to skanks with like six garage beers in your bag.

[B]

Allegiance.

[A]

Skanks.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, because the stand. I don't like the stands beer selection anymore.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

They don't have garage beer.

[C]

They got hot chicks, waitresses again. That's back. It's been a long time.

[B]

ZR guarantee. Are you gonna shop at Tesco.

[C]

Tesco, that's it. Yes, I have shopped at Tesco for a festival, if you need a matching top up. Right?

[A]

Yeah. I mean, there's so many people I want to thank first. I want to not thank Kevin. This is a real glass. Are you gonna be upset with this if I walk around with this for a little while?

[B]

You walk around with it just everywhere you go.

[C]

Like, I get my free drink. Go to 7 11. Like, free Slurpee with the award you took.

[A]

He took Ari's award to Sardis. The award took me to Sardis. I go right to in and out.

[B]

Ari just spilled that garage beer.

[C]

Well played.

[A]

God damn it, Ari.

[C]

Well played.

[A]

I'm not gonna fly to British pub. What's your problem, mate? You spilling out a garage all the carriage beers. What do they call it?

[C]

Carriage house.

[A]

No, what do they call a garage over there?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Quick. Go, hotshot. Carport. Yes, in the carport. Gentlemen.

[B]

What?

[C]

What? What? How?

[B]

Just.

[C]

It's lager and pilsner. You just call it by the thing, right?

[B]

Yeah. You would order a brand, though, too?

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I mean, like, that's the thing. Like, I mean, you could take Yingling, America's oldest brewery, Philadelphia, Potsdam, Pennsylvania. You go, hey, give me a lager. And that's, you know, if you're in Philly, go, give me a lager. It's going to be that.

[C]

They'll give you a Yingling.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

You know, it used to be pronounced youngling, but people couldn't pronounce it. Yeah, you know that. And they changed the Yingling.

[A]

No. Did you know that the guy's last name. Did you know that? What is it? Dutch land Was Deutsch.

[C]

Deutschland.

[A]

No. Deutschland.

[B]

I just told you.

[A]

I told you that the Amish are not Dutch.

[B]

The Deutsch of German descent.

[A]

Yes, they're of German descent, but we call it Dutch country because we couldn't pronounce Deutsch.

[C]

And then. Who made the pretzels?

[A]

They did.

[B]

That's Germans. That's why.

[C]

That's. No, but the hard ones, the Snyders of Hanover.

[A]

Wait, they're Amish.

[C]

They rule. I'm gonna stop.

[B]

Ari of Jerusalem.

[C]

I'm stop persecuting them. I say let them build their houses. You're not gonna have those pretzels.

[B]

That's very British. Snyders of Hanover.

[A]

You can't get pretzels over there.

[C]

Hanover.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Ah, yes, the Snyders of Hanover. The Foleys of Bluebell.

[A]

Yes, the Foleys of Bluebell. Lovely, splendid group.

[C]

I will okay, I'm starting to think of more stuff to do. If I have a party, I'm having an announcer for each time.

[A]

Hear ye, hear ye.

[B]

The fat idiots have arrived. That's definitely me and Foley. Come.

[C]

I'll give everyone on the guest list here. The fat idiots have arrived.

[B]

That's good.

[C]

H. And Kevin, and they're like, man, take your coat. Your honor. Or whatever. Your honor, your excellence.

[A]

Ari, when you're having fish and chips, you're gonna get haddock or you gonna get cod.

[C]

I did not know there was cod. Haddock, haddock.

[B]

Haddock, haddock.

[A]

Haddock is more flavorful.

[C]

I learned that. I didn't know there was two of us.

[A]

There's one lady that played Queen. What's her name? The one that just died. Queen Elizabeth on the show the Crown.

[B]

Kate Beckinsale.

[A]

No. Who did a commercial for Burberry with the hot chick that cooks. The hot chick that cooks for her husband. Her husband. Smokey or something like that. Is a model. He's fantastic in the commercial. They had a Burberry commercial together. He's fantastic.

[C]

The chick from peep show too?

[A]

Yes. She died. No. Died.

[B]

Olivia Colman.

[C]

Olivia Colman's dead.

[A]

She just did a. She just did a Burberry ad.

[C]

Hey, can you. At the end of this episode after the credits or whatever, can you put in a memoriam. In memoriam for Olivia Colman, and just put all her, like, best. Best stuff from peep show, everything, and

[A]

a God save the Queen.

[C]

We'll miss you, Olivia.

[A]

Gonna miss you, buddy.

[C]

Yeah, Fried Mars bars.

[A]

Oh, I'll give you that. Now, listen,

[C]

you've never heard of that? How do you normally eat Mars bars?

[B]

Not correctly.

[A]

Hey, the Mars bars over there, they don't got the almonds in it either. It's a Milky Way.

[C]

What?

[A]

That much I knew, right, Luke?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

So you gotta watch out for that.

[C]

A lot of time Luke just says yeah because he doesn't want to type.

[A]

No, he knows England. He's been over there. There.

[B]

My girl is from there.

[A]

Yes. Girls from Britain.

[C]

My girl. Talking about my last.

[A]

Ooh, Sunday Rose Star.

[B]

How do you know?

[C]

Okay. Oh, that's another one. I'm getting a local. I'm getting a low local bar where they know you.

[B]

Huh?

[C]

And they have Sunday roasts, and all the regulars of the local have the Sunday roast. They just go there for the Sunday roast.

[A]

That's pretty awesome.

[C]

I'm finding my local. I gotta find out where. I'll leave lift first. But that's the number one Thing I'm

[B]

doing figgy pudding, Sticky toffee pudding.

[C]

Sticky toffee. That's also anal sex. Sticky toffee pudding is also known as anal sex.

[A]

Berries and cream.

[C]

The original Dubai Chocolate. Do you know the story of Dubai Chocolate? No, this is not for the show, but it was a thing. You would go there and get a hooker to poop on your chest and they called it Dubai Chocolate. And Dubai wants to redo their name, so they flooded the market with actual chocolate calling it Dubai Chocolate. You didn't know about this two years ago, Right?

[A]

Right.

[C]

No one saw Dubai Chocolate two years ago. They're. They're Google washing Dubai Chocolate. So when you. Now when you Google search Dubai Chocolate, the sex stuff does not come up first.

[A]

Well, that's what the boys like over there. Somebody to shit on their chest.

[C]

I think tourists go there to get

[A]

shit on their chest.

[C]

If it was good enough for Hitler, it's good enough for you.

[A]

Why did Hitler do that?

[C]

That's what we heard. But we weren't trying to give him his props or anything, so maybe we made it up.

[A]

I don't get that. I mean, God love anybody what you want to do, but Jesus Christ on your. I don't get it.

[C]

How's he gonna wash that out? You got hair in there. He's gonna get caught in the hair.

[B]

You think that's the biggest problem is the hair?

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

Fair.

[A]

I'll do a finger in the butt, something like that, you know what I mean? Hey, a couple drinks for me, a little tutor rootski.

[B]

Okay, Good for you, guy.

[C]

I like to get a finger in the butt and then have it come out in like this so it makes it sound. I don't actually like that.

[B]

Never try that. Also, isn't your asshole actively falling out of your body?

[C]

Yep, it is actively falling out. A lot of the British.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You got dysentery, mate.

[C]

I gotta find some old diseases to get. Guys, this has really helped me so far. I'm really getting some to do there.

[B]

I have a few more.

[A]

Medical marijuana card. They ask you what you have. I got the plague.

[B]

The plague. Mieso. Falling out. Me bow's coming apart, doc.

[C]

Hey, no birds stick your finger butthose on a floor.

[A]

Your blood hoes in the moor. I mean on the floor.

[C]

Don't be fingering my toot, lass.

[A]

Those British chicks are tough over there. You gotta watch.

[C]

They're wild. They'll stab you. They'll stab you.

[A]

Yeah, they'll wet you.

[C]

Wet. Yeah.

[A]

You never heard that no.

[C]

Make you wet from blood on the outside of your body.

[A]

Look at you. Yeah, I wet you wet you. Give it, old man, I'll wet you. Why does it smell like wee in here? It's Colin Farrell in. We in here, gentlemen, right?

[B]

Oh, the gentleman.

[A]

Yeah. Great movie. I tell you what, that guy Ritchie, he's great. He's great.

[C]

He does good stuff.

[A]

He does.

[C]

No one doesn't like Guy Ritchie.

[A]

No. You know what I saw? The League of Ungentlemanly Warfare with Henry Cavill.

[B]

Cavill?

[C]

Jesus.

[A]

Great movie.

[C]

He was Jesus.

[A]

No.

[C]

Who is Jesus? Harry Cavill.

[A]

No, Henry Cavill. Jim Caviezel.

[C]

Jim Caviezel. You see how the mistake was made?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So it's like, go easy on me, huh?

[A]

You like that movie? That's right.

[C]

I did like that movie because it made by Jewish producers.

[A]

No, it wasn't. Mel Gibson made that movie off.

[C]

Wait, he made that? Oh, yeah, he did make that.

[A]

He's got a new one coming out. Passion of the Christ too. This time it's personal.

[B]

It's in space,

[C]

finishing the job.

[A]

You know it is. It's all about the resurrection direction.

[C]

Oh, really? Yeah, that'd be fun. Very sci fi.

[B]

How do you know? What do you know about British drill rappers?

[C]

Drill rappers? Oh, a little Danny Brown. He loves Brit rappers.

[A]

Danny Brown.

[C]

Danny Brown loves all that. I did a little drill in Brazil.

[B]

What are you, Ryan? Who are you, Dr. Seuss?

[C]

A little drill in Brazil if you dance Frivo. No, no, double that up. Double, triple, double and triple it. So we keep hearing the joke over and over.

[B]

I just start saying horrible profanities to dump the thing.

[A]

That's an old Keith Robinson drill.

[C]

Yeah, I thought it was Brooklyn drill.

[B]

You know that when you're bombing a. Back in the day when you were bombing like a Tonight show set, you just start going, bull.

[A]

They can't use it.

[B]

Dump the tape.

[A]

I was going to just start cursing.

[B]

You know who Central C is?

[C]

No. Oh, I know, I know. That's one of the spices. Spice Girls.

[A]

Do you know what the BBC is?

[B]

Big black

[C]

channel. Yeah, I know the BBC and I think there's like four channels there and that's it. They don't even get HBO yet.

[A]

Listen, for everybody over in England, Great Britain, the uk, Ari, a lot of sweet, law abiding gentlemen. Take good care of them and shelter them in your bosom.

[C]

Shelter my bosom? Find the good dealers. I'm excited about that. Not testing your drugs anymore.

[A]

You don't think there's fentanyl over there? You Dumbass.

[C]

Look it up. There's not. It's an American thing.

[A]

There's no fentanyl.

[C]

You'd have to look hard to get something.

[A]

No, I'm definitely not going.

[C]

Yeah, if somebody hands you something, you can just trust it.

[A]

Oh, really? Yeah, I kind of just do that anyway.

[C]

No liens. There's no liens. There's lays, but there's no liens.

[A]

What's a lean?

[C]

Lean is. I mean, they'll sleep on the street

[A]

with bums, but, like, heroin's big. Big over there.

[C]

Oh, heroin's big. Maybe I'll get. Nah.

[B]

Okay. It's not big. Here, take a. Take a walk down Kensington.

[C]

They still have Quaaludes. Little opium den.

[A]

They have that over there.

[B]

I think I got. I gotta be honest. I think you're going to London for the wrong reasons.

[A]

I think I'm going

[C]

Burberry. Yeah. Wearing Burberry.

[A]

Can you swing that stuff? That sounds expensive.

[C]

Yeah, I cannot, but maybe I'll home invade John Mulaney. I bet he's got some Burberry.

[A]

John Mulaney, he ain't that good.

[C]

Fucking home care. I can break right in there.

[B]

Home care.

[A]

John Mulaney live in England?

[C]

No, but I'll. Before I leave, I'm going to home invade. That guy steal all his Burberry? He's the only guy I know would have Burberry.

[A]

Classy gentleman at John Mulaney.

[C]

God, I love saying Burberry.

[A]

Burberry. London Fog. What's some other brands over there?

[C]

Hanes Haynes. That's American to the core.

[A]

I need me a pair of Skivvies, mate.

[C]

They don't even have grapes over there. They got a Fruit of the Looms.

[A]

They don't have grapes.

[C]

They don't have any grapes. Baba Barbara Barber coat.

[A]

You know, that's how Jack the Ripper got those broads to get into the carriage.

[C]

What?

[A]

Offered him grapes.

[C]

Really?

[A]

That's how they tracked him down and know that he was somebody.

[C]

And then he got angry and that was the Grapes of Wrath.

[A]

No.

[C]

What?

[B]

Are you sure about that?

[A]

That's John Steinbeck. And that was based on the Depression era migrant workers, Ari.

[C]

So what grapes did they have that

[A]

only the rich people could get grapes delivered? They're the only guys that had Uber Eats over there.

[C]

Delivery grapes. Fucking make a trip. Bodega's on every corner.

[A]

When Jack the Ripper wanted to kill one of the street walkers to get to entice them over to him, he would be like, oh, would you like some? Oh, grapes. Thank you governor. Then he sliced him up. And that's how they found out that who it was. They knew it was somebody in high society because they'd fight grape stems all over these broads.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[A]

You ever seen the movie In Hell? It'll tell you all that stuff with Johnny Depp there.

[C]

Look at old Culture Cody over here.

[A]

That's from a movie you never saw in Hell. Would you.

[C]

Now you've been quoting Grapes of Wrath. You've been quoting Jack the Ripper. Real history. You're. You're Culture Cody today.

[B]

Culture Cody.

[A]

Dude, my favorite quote right now is from a Humphrey Bogart movie.

[C]

I'll see you again tomorrow. No, not.

[A]

Here's the thing.

[C]

I don't give a damn. Here's looking at you.

[A]

Yeah, that's Clark Gable. No, Clark Kent. I was born when I met her. I died when she left. And I lived for a few weeks while she loved me.

[C]

Damn, that's pretty good. Nice. What. What movie is that from?

[B]

I don't know. I've heard it 5, 000 times in the last 48 hours. I want to kill.

[C]

I love it. I love that.

[A]

How good is that?

[C]

I'm gonna steal that in a poem to some chick.

[A]

Yeah, you'll be crawling with Gunny Juice, mate, and tell you that right now.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

Oh, he's pretty good with the waves, isn't he? I didn't think anybody was gonna break that walnut, but already came in here and took it home. Clark Gable.

[C]

I gotta study this pod. I gotta study this episode and really get in there. You're killing it.

[B]

I got one more for you. And we got a. Wrap her up there.

[C]

No no no no. How do you say wrap it up? How do you say rapping?

[A]

Call it quits. Shag off. Fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, mate.

[C]

Fuck off. What's one more?

[A]

You know we're gonna guillotine you at the end of this episode, right? Do you really think we're gonna let you go over to fucking Britain, tell them all the cool shit we're doing over here?

[B]

Here.

[A]

You really see that happening, Ari.

[C]

Oh, I'm gonna miss you guys.

[B]

What are you. He popped his clogs,

[C]

okay? It's when you take a girl's virginity by shoving a shoe up her.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

You're gonna do well. Make a note of that.

[C]

Thinking of that. That might not be it. Popped his clogs. Danced. Danced.

[A]

Well, he broke his. Broke his sneakers.

[B]

He died.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, I don't know why, but that's.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, for the last time, sir, before he heads over, before I get knighted, before he runs back, I get Bob knighted.

[C]

I'm gonna throw a chair in the court till they knight me.

[A]

Sir Ari, ladies and gentlemen, you be tripping.

[B]

Keep your in. Whatever. Oh, there you go. I thought he was taking his out. Dude.

[A]

What do we got? See all of his specials on the end.

[B]

Go watch the end.

[C]

The End is available right [e-mail] 7 one hour episodes of stories from the best comics in the world. Minus two. And yeah, get an episode for six bucks. Get them all. Save five. Seven for the price of five. That's a fucking British conversion rate. But yeah, it's the fucking hardest thing I've ever done. So fucking go support and get an episode.

[A]

We wish you well.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Come back and see us, guys.

[C]

You got to come visit me. I'll visit you in Ireland. I assume you don't come. Go over to London, your visa.

[B]

No, I'm going. We're going. We're going soon, I think. I think we'll be there in October.

[A]

Where? England?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Get the out of here.

[B]

Why? Yeah, we talked about this.

[C]

Yeah, but the audience doesn't know and now they do. But guys, keep it to yourself because there's been no official.

[B]

Yeah, I'm going to England. Relax, we. Like a dog. There's no plans.

[A]

October 12th through the 18th. I'm gonna be there in the Hampton Inns, room 609, 2028. Pari, you've been so great to us, buddy.

[B]

I love you.

[A]

We love you so much.

[C]

I love you too. I love you guys too.

[A]

And we're gonna miss you.

[C]

I like you, gang.

[A]

We love you. And we'll see you next week right here in the usa.

[B]

Better believe it.

[A]

Peace.