Ari Matti Returns!

Summary

Are You Garbage? – "Ari Matti Returns!"

Hosts: Kevin Ryan and H. Foley
Guest: Ari Matti
Date: June 25, 2026
Summary by Segment & Timestamps

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Overview

This episode of Are You Garbage? is a chaotic, riff-packed deep dive into the hilarious and "garbage"-infused life of returning guest and comedian Ari Matti. The hosts grill Ari on everything from his living habits, romantic escapades, and European roots to financial literacy, classism, and his unique approach to adulthood in America. The conversation covers wild personal stories, cultural contrasts, and a barrage of comedic observations about masculinity, dating, house cleaning, and much more—all through the show's irreverent, trashy lens.

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Key Topics & Highlights

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1. Cultural Mixes, Stereotypes, and Family Background

Timestamps: 00:51–09:08

• The guys riff on German and Eastern European stereotypes, especially relating to Ari’s and Kevin’s wives, backpacking tales, and cultural differences:
  • "German chicks… you know she's gonna be, like, so, like, strict. They like, rules." – Ari Matti (01:01)
  • Amusing cultural misunderstandings about feeding stray dogs in Romania and Germans trying to rescue stray dogs cross-border (01:15–02:25).

2. Eastern European Social Hierarchies & Construction Work

Timestamps: 05:06–06:52

• Playful “ranking” of Europeans and immigrants, with Ari breaking down the "Mexicans of Europe" analogy:
  • "Polish people… just build. $1 they build you a house. It's crazy." – Ari Matti (05:55)
  • Relating his time in Gdynia, Poland, and how Nordic businessmen affect Eastern European nightlife and economies.

3. Ari’s Current Life in Austin: Housing, Cars, and Daily Habits

Timestamps: 07:09–16:19

• Still renting a small house in Austin, doesn’t have a driver’s license; prefers Ubers, bikes, and dislikes bureaucracy and responsibility (07:46–08:38).
  • "I don’t even have a driver’s license. I’m like nuts—I hate documents." – Ari Matti (07:46)
• Talks about celebration of midsummer holiday in Estonia; riffs on climate, depression, and zooming out on Google Maps to see the "scary" size of Russia (08:32–09:36).

4. Florida, Miami, and Social Dominance

Timestamps: 09:45–12:27

• Compares Florida (Naples vs. Miami); finds Naples relaxing and claims he's “the most alpha guy” on vacation there (10:09).
• Classic male “peacocking” and why men fight in public, especially around women:
  • "Even if I back down and we survive, your pussy saw what happened." – Ari Matti (11:33)

5. Fighting, Machismo, and Vulnerability

Timestamps: 11:54–13:43

• Admits he’s not a street fighter, prefers jujitsu as a structured activity with friends.
• Relationship status: “I dated a girl for a little bit… you know how it is.” (13:43)
• Divorce talk: Ari rants about the differences between American divorces and those in Estonia, recounts his own family’s experience and how money is a sore spot (13:13–14:10).

6. Masculinity, Protection, and Parenting

Timestamps: 14:16–16:30

• Kevin reveals how protective instincts run deep with his wife and child.
• Ari jokes: “If I have a problem, I look at my boyfriend like, honey, suck him off—buy us time.”
• Ari shares his flexible views on having children—“I can go Al Pacino!” (15:21)

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Garbage & Classy Habits Exposed

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7. Housekeeping, Cleaning, and Bachelor Life

Timestamps: 17:03–19:03

• Ari’s attempts to live “American” and keep his house clean, his paranoia with American cleaning ladies, and how he cleans up for them out of shame:
  • "I clean for the cleaning lady. You cannot see my default." – Ari Matti (18:10)
• Woman’s influence: “The bed, the pillow, don’t look like it’s been pissed off for once.” (17:19)

8. Romance, Divorcees, and Being the Rebound Guy

Timestamps: 19:13–21:00

• Admits most women he dates now are “coming out of divorces”—“That’s when they go for a guy like me. Because I’m a loose scam.” (19:22)
• Portrays himself as the comedic, low-responsibility, fun rebound.

9. Coffee Preferences, French Press vs. Fancy Machines

Timestamps: 23:21–24:38

• Disses complex espresso machines: “Too many buttons and shit… I do a French press. That’s my little thing.” (23:29, 23:54)
• Enjoys the ceremony and process: “You wait, you push down… If you push too early you feel bad.” (24:20)

10. The “Chair” System: How Bachelors Handle Laundry

Timestamps: 25:12–26:43

• Ari details the intricate “chair,” “floor,” and “washing machine front” jurisdictions for his clothes:
  • “The chair means I already went halfway there… The floor means I take the trash out with that shirt.” (25:15–25:43)

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Travel, Class, and Taking Stuff from First Class

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11. First Class, Classism in Travel, and Souvenir Theft

Timestamps: 28:34–32:23

• Ari and the hosts share the pleasure of boarding before “the animals,” the power elite feeling, and, of course, taking the free first class kits:
  • “I keep everything. I know, I’ve taken this back… I have those little bags still.” – Ari Matti (30:39)
• Lufthansa vs. airlines with showers, debate over plane showers, and reminiscing on the old days of air travel.

12. Travel Anxiety and Chronic Tardiness

Timestamps: 33:50–36:10

• Ari constantly runs late; has a “50/50” shot of missing each flight.
  • "Time is a weird thing… Sometimes I’ll get up at 8 for a 10 o’clock flight, I’m there half-an-hour early. Next time I wake up 7, I miss the flight. It’s relative." (34:31–34:43)
• “I was late even to my high school… The vibe is off, I go back to sleep.” (35:37)
• Admits to suffering from anxiety, despite his chill exterior.

13. Literature, Education & Autobiographies

Timestamps: 38:43–43:42

• Discusses what Estonian kids read (mostly Russian lit, not Shakespeare); admits to reading Cliff Notes and being more into GTA than Dostoevsky.
• Hates fiction and fantasy, only reads autobiographies. “Give me a guy trying to pay rent, I don’t like marvels… Grown men will watch Galaxy Guardians—shut the fuck up.” (42:36–42:52)
• Favorite type: Showbiz and music biographies—recommends the James Brown book with “manager’s version” footnotes of wild stories.

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Personal Philosophy on Dating & Women

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14. Dating, Female Appreciation & Personal Preferences

Timestamps: 53:41–61:07

• Shares a wild hotel elevator flirtation in NYC—“First time in my life… she sends sexy pictures, says ‘How about you finish your gay little sport and you come over to my room…’ I didn’t go. I was scared.” (51:18–52:11)
• Discusses dating dynamics, preferring humor and kindness over looks:
  • “I’ve banged girls so, so ugly, but… fun people to be around. Don’t look down, just hear the riffs.” – Ari Matti (58:44)
• Believes in picking up the check—not out of obligation, but appreciation for what women endure.
  • “Give her the dinner. Just feed her. It’s scary being a girl.” (56:07)

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Money, Financial Cluelessness, and Closing Thoughts

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15. Financial Habits

Timestamps: 63:54–65:45

• Ari’s Venmo and bank accounts are a mess; ex-girlfriend set up the app, he has a Mickey Mouse-themed debit card for kids:
  • “I got a Mickey Mouse card… my limit is, like, $500 deposit. I can’t even put more.” (65:23–65:31)
• Exchange on how “bank sits you down to talk”—either for overdraft protection or an intervention on financial illiteracy.

16. Wrap-Up: Touring, Stand-Up Career, and Comedy Anxiety

Timestamps: 66:07–67:36

• Ari promotes his tour dates but is “haunted by blue dots” (unsold tickets):
  • “It’s about to be over for all of us, isn’t it? There’s so many new kids… I think we’re doing a dying thing.” (67:36)
• Hosts endorse Ari’s talent, bemoan the new generation’s social media prowess, and cap off with genuine affection for Ari.

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Notable Quotes

• On fighting for women’s honor:
  “Even if I back down and we survive, your pussy saw what happened. And it’s over. It’s slowly over.” – Ari Matti (11:33)
• On house cleaning:
  “I clean for the cleaning lady. You cannot see my default.” – Ari Matti (18:10)
• On bachelor laundry:
  “The chair means I already went halfway there… The floor means I take the trash out with that shirt.” – Ari Matti (25:15–25:43)
• On boarding first class:
  “I want to hear the hum. I want to hear the whispers.” – Ari Matti (29:04–29:05)
• On American divorce vs. Europe:
  “In Estonia, you can leave your wife with two kids on the curb... It’s mine!” – Ari Matti (13:11)
• On being “fancy”:
  “That would go back to the fancy thing—makes you feel better than you. When I got the 300, I feel better than you.” – Ari Matti (28:34)
• On financial ineptitude:
  “I didn’t know I signed up for the child’s program, so my limit’s like $500 deposit—I can’t even put more.” – Ari Matti (65:23–65:31)
• On women and dating:
  “Give her the dinner. Just feed her. It’s scary being a girl.” – Ari Matti (56:07)

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Overall Vibe & Tone

The episode is marked by rapid-fire riffing, candid (and often raunchy) honesty, and playful cross-cultural roasting. Ari Matti is self-deprecating, quick-witted, and unfiltered—openly sharing both his “garbage” habits and personal philosophies. The hosts match his energy, probing for the wildest stories and driving the "Are You Garbage?" premise with a perfect blend of affection and mockery.

Highly recommended for fans of outrageous comedy, bachelor confessionals, and culture-clash humor.

Transcript

[Dave Trolley]

Gang tooties. Got a limited 4th of July drop coming at you. We got some nice T shirts. Show up to the barbecue looking fresh, clean, and patriotic.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, don't be a bozo. Available at rugarbage.com while supplies last.

[Dave Trolley]

Happy 4th of July. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage. Oh, yeah, it's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a group to be classy. Yeah, just a big old piece of trash.

[Kevin Ryan]

Trash, trash, trash.

[Dave Trolley]

I'm your host, Dave Trolley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Toady's in the new edition. She's upstairs peeking out the windows. Okay, my CO's coming a from right next. That's a quick one right there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, a little throat chop, stick and move.

[Dave Trolley]

It's coming at you. From right next to me is the CEO of Are you garbage? Bit of a, you know, international businessman. He gets around. Germany, France, Walwood, New Jersey.

[Kevin Ryan]

Senegal.

[Dave Trolley]

Senegal, Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I just got back.

[Ari Matti]

Really? You did, like, shows, too?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, no, my wife's from there. Was just visiting.

[Ari Matti]

Your wife is German?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. That must be hell.

[Kevin Ryan]

It ain't great.

[Ari Matti]

When I went to, like, backpacking trips, I would meet other backpackers. When you. Anytime you saw a German chick, you know, she's gonna be, like, so, like, strict. And like, they're like. They like, rules. They're like, oh, you're late.

[Kevin Ryan]

You never called me back.

[Ari Matti]

And then they, like, there was these two German. German chicks in Romania. In Bucharest, you know, in Bucharest, there's, like, dogs everywhere eating. They're like, the ribs are out in the corner. You can't even pet dog that. They kick them. They hate dogs. They have a big dog issue. You can't. And this is. It's illegal to feed a dog. It's like, worse than you can bang a kid when she's like, 13 in Romania. They're like, hey, it's love. But you feed a dog that's like the biggest. No, no. And these two German chicks just saw a random puppy. They're like nice people from Berlin, you know, so they take the dog to, like, local. Because they want to take it back to Germany. So they want to get it, like, shot and ear stripped and, like, numbered and stuff. And they go to, like, some veterinarian office in Rome, in Bucharest, and they're like, we want to. And they're like, you want to take a dog? They look at dogs like a Piece of. Like a piece of gum on the floor. So they're like, you want to take this dog to Germany? They're like, we don't even have a department. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

We don't even know how to do that.

[Ari Matti]

Vaccinate a dog. I need a vaccine.

[Kevin Ryan]

There's a lot. There's kids that don't have it.

[Ari Matti]

I don't have a tetanus shot. Fuck the tetanus.

[Dave Trolley]

Saw people in the vet's office.

[Kevin Ryan]

Doctor.

[Ari Matti]

And since. So what they did, they hid it in the. Like in the bag with the dog in the bag. And then on the plane, it was like a big commotion when they found out they had the dog. And then they got him to Germany and posted on Facebook, crying like, please accept the dog. Like they fought for a dog.

[Dave Trolley]

Dumb broads. Kevin Ryan, ladies and gentlemen.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's up? Everybody shout out to you. As always, make sure you review. Subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video on Spotify. Boys are climbing the fucking charts. And then patreon.com, the greatest website of all time.

[Ari Matti]

Is she like strict on YouTube? Because I know these Germans are absolute lunatics.

[Kevin Ryan]

Honestly. No, not much. Not much.

[Ari Matti]

Now this is a good. Does she like him? Exactly.

[Kevin Ryan]

We'll be right back.

[Ari Matti]

No, a German wife hates your friends.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, she likes I stink though.

[Ari Matti]

Because. Because your friends bring him back to the level that she took so long

[Kevin Ryan]

to get me out of. Yeah, no, the guy goes back with

[Ari Matti]

his caveman Neanderthal friends. You know, they all get Neanderthal us all together. Like a boy's weekend is hell for a German wife.

[Dave Trolley]

What do you think we're doing? Eating deer meat and making cookies?

[Ari Matti]

You guys have known each other for a long time before marriage, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

And you got. Have you guys like, like gotten hookers or something? Hookers together or something?

[Kevin Ryan]

Sounds like he's about to give us.

[Ari Matti]

Like you've done something together. You banged like some half past out broad on the road in like in West Virginia, like, you know, like West Virginia or something, you know? You ever kill a dog?

[Dave Trolley]

Did it turn?

[Ari Matti]

That's like a secret between you?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

And now you.

[Kevin Ryan]

We killed. We did kill a guy.

[Ari Matti]

I knew you know each other deep

[Kevin Ryan]

down hate creepy rapey guys. So you.

[Ari Matti]

So you know that secret about it and that's why she hates that.

[Dave Trolley]

It's like our own little Epstein island. We got dibs. We have Epstein at home, ladies and gentlemen. We couldn't be more excited ever. Incredibly, and I mean incredibly, special guest back with us again today. You know him you love him. One of the big stars out of Austin, Texas. Give it up for Mr. Ari, Maddie.

[Ari Matti]

Thank you.

[Dave Trolley]

The kid comes in, as they say, hot, guns blazing. Bang, hooker, bang, dead dog.

[Ari Matti]

Like when her family looks at your job, do they go like, he's got cash?

[Kevin Ryan]

Who are you talking about doing well?

[Ari Matti]

That's when they always will.

[Dave Trolley]

You tell him the real story. Oh, he thinks your wife's a goddamn Gestapo agent.

[Kevin Ryan]

She's from Czech. Yeah, they're her family. So she beautiful, sweet ladies.

[Dave Trolley]

Got a very loving, happy family.

[Kevin Ryan]

She was born and raised in Germany. Her parents were Czech. Okay, refugees. Yeah. Yeah. So she's a thief.

[Ari Matti]

Her, Herself.

[Kevin Ryan]

She's a pickpocket and a cheat.

[Ari Matti]

For her consent is a vague spectrum.

[Kevin Ryan]

Don't go to the ATM machine.

[Ari Matti]

I know. Those people are old school. Check. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, I had Czech.

[Dave Trolley]

You don't like Czechs?

[Ari Matti]

No, I love we.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know what was on. Who do you like?

[Dave Trolley]

Give me the hierarchy.

[Ari Matti]

All the thieves and rats of Europe.

[Kevin Ryan]

Anything east. You're Croatian, Estonian.

[Dave Trolley]

Estonian.

[Kevin Ryan]

He just slapped the shit out of you.

[Ari Matti]

But I have some Finnish heritage. I have some Ukrainian heritage, a little bit. So we're all mixed, you know. And. And Czechs are like. They're. They're just like us.

[Dave Trolley]

You're all Polish to us, I'll tell you that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Don't you guys ever say that again.

[Ari Matti]

That's literally worse than a Gypsy.

[Dave Trolley]

Give me. What do you say? Gypsy?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's worse than Egypt. Who don't you guys.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah, give us. Give us a break.

[Ari Matti]

Well, Polish people are like. Like. Like Estonians go to civilized, civilized places like Finland and Sweden and UK to build their. We're like the Mexicans of them.

[Dave Trolley]

Gotcha.

[Ari Matti]

The Mexicans for us.

[Dave Trolley]

Yes.

[Ari Matti]

Polish, Ukrainian and Polish, that's all they build. They just build.

[Dave Trolley]

Really?

[Ari Matti]

$1. They build you a house. It's crazy.

[Dave Trolley]

I dated a Polish girl and I

[Ari Matti]

used to work construction. It's a big issue because you would have your license and you're like a nice guy, you're on time. And then the boss is like, don't get cute because I can call eight Polish guys who do this for ten bucks in one room. They love living together.

[Kevin Ryan]

Really? I thought they were a little more.

[Dave Trolley]

He doesn't know what he's talking about. What are you talking.

[Ari Matti]

No, I love Polish people.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, of course. I thought they were a little more advanced. I like, you know.

[Ari Matti]

Oh, it's Warsaw. It's beautiful. Yeah, I. I grew up in. From third to eighth grade. I was In Gdynia, in Poland, who's

[Dave Trolley]

got more cash, Estonia or Poland?

[Ari Matti]

Poland have the numbers, but I mean, beauty wise. See, we're close to Sweden and Finland. Those businessmen come over and fuck our women. So I gotta finish that. Everyone's gotta finish that. Or a Swedish dad. So the money comes in with the prostitution and all the booze bags. That's all they do. They come over and they just get fucked up in our country. And it helps the economy a lot. Who goes to Poland?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[Ari Matti]

Let's hang out at Auschwitz. What a great weekend with the boys.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was just such a good open. Who goes to? You're like, yeah, I guess. I don't know. I never thought of it that way, huh?

[Ari Matti]

You want to hang out in Poland? Let like, food go bad in your fridge and hang out there.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got a bad avocado if you want it.

[Dave Trolley]

Ari, how the hell you been, man?

[Ari Matti]

Oh, good. Yeah. How you guys?

[Dave Trolley]

We're doing pretty good. Wow, you're out there. You're killing it. You're on the road.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, it's awesome.

[Dave Trolley]

Climbing the charts as they say.

[Ari Matti]

I don't know about that.

[Dave Trolley]

What's the living situation now? You still got the same spot?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

In Austin? Yeah, yeah, same spot. I have a little house there. Texas. You can get like a tiny house, as much as a one bedroom apartment with a Dominican guy here.

[Dave Trolley]

So did you buy it or you see, you're renting.

[Ari Matti]

No, no, I'm renting.

[Dave Trolley]

Rent. I.

[Kevin Ryan]

What.

[Dave Trolley]

What did you have? You made any improvements since the last time that we seen you? A little bit of cash coming in, doing well.

[Kevin Ryan]

Any upgrades you make?

[Dave Trolley]

Any new couch, new tv, car?

[Ari Matti]

No, no, I don't even have a driver's license. You know, I'm like nuts. Yeah, you gotta do like. I'm not good with documents and logging in and like going to like doing the stuff. So I can drive a car. I've driven cars growing up in the.

[Kevin Ryan]

That is such an eastern. I can drive you a car.

[Ari Matti]

Anything with wheels is a million rip. I'll know how it works. I'll figure it out. I'll go slow. Just give me the thing. I hate that you gotta take. You gotta be like. And they ask all the questions.

[Dave Trolley]

What's your id?

[Ari Matti]

I like, riff through an intersection, sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

I've riffed through high school. I don't know like numbers, but I can riff like Poland. I don't know when it was made or where it's at, but I know, like the people a little Bit.

[Kevin Ryan]

Figure it out.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, figure it out.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's good. You said you were. You were getting ready to go to go to Estonia, right?

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Any big plans over there?

[Ari Matti]

Well, we have midsummer holiday on the 20th. I'm excited about that.

[Dave Trolley]

What does that mean?

[Ari Matti]

It's like the longest day, so the sun never goes down. It's the longest day of the year.

[Dave Trolley]

That's where you are when the sun don't go down.

[Ari Matti]

Well, really, in the winter, the sun don't even visit, so don't worry about that. The sun. He's a bastard.

[Dave Trolley]

Where are you in eastern. It's Eastern Europe.

[Ari Matti]

Well, it's in. No, no, it's northeastern.

[Kevin Ryan]

I really don't. Let me look. I really don't know where.

[Dave Trolley]

I thought that was in the Arctic Circle. The sun doesn't go down, but.

[Ari Matti]

But during the winter we have the gray, so it's all gray. And that's when you kill yourself bad stuff and you drown the kids in the top. Wait for your wife to get home.

[Kevin Ryan]

I thought you were. I thought you were more down here. I didn't realize you were up there.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, sure. We're Moldova.

[Kevin Ryan]

I really thought you guys, you're. We were bumping with the Moldova.

[Dave Trolley]

Latvia.

[Kevin Ryan]

Latvia. You're above Lithonia. Gotcha.

[Ari Matti]

You know what's great to do as a country that's very invaded all the time? Get really high smoke 22 bongs and start zooming out on Google Maps and seeing how big Russia.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it's. Oh, it's.

[Ari Matti]

Holy fuck.

[Kevin Ryan]

I didn't realize you guys were.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah, real estate.

[Ari Matti]

Every time I look at it, I get scared.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wow. Yeah.

[Dave Trolley]

Most of that's parking lot.

[Ari Matti]

What am I going to do here?

[Kevin Ryan]

Holy shit. I realize you were that close to St. Petersburg either.

[Ari Matti]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave Trolley]

St. Petersburg, Florida.

[Ari Matti]

Way better than the original. Let me tell you that. I went to St. Petersburg, Florida.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's beautiful. I love it. It's great. I would retire there in a hard. I love it. Love it.

[Ari Matti]

Why am I here in New York? As soon as I went to Florida, I was like Joe Rogan. We need seven clubs.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's amazing.

[Ari Matti]

And the whole. I love Naples. Everyone was like, oh, Miami, Miami. Everyone's coked out. I don't like lots of tension in the air. In Naples, I can kill everyone on the peninsul because I'm so strong compared to those people. And that's when I'm on vacation people, right? Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's all old people walking around flexing a bunch of old Jewish guys.

[Ari Matti]

And everyone's chill. You go to the tiki bar. I'm the most alpha guy. The cop show up. He's of old. He's an old guy. I can rule Florida now. I'm relaxed.

[Dave Trolley]

At least the panhandle in Miami.

[Ari Matti]

I saw a fist fight next to a cabana. You know who fights on a. And it was over a cabana, you know, one of those rented cabanas.

[Dave Trolley]

So your theory is who's fighting when there's. When there's cabanas, Everybody relax, have a good time.

[Ari Matti]

But they're all coked up and chicks around. Exactly.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. They want to.

[Ari Matti]

So what happened, Peacock? Yeah, so what happened was they go for a dip, but they don't leave a lot of stuff in the cabana. They leave like one shoe or something, you know, so. And then a new roided up stain shows up and takes over. They come back from the ocean, and within two minutes, I saw a fist fight. Who fights coming out of a dip?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, dude.

[Ari Matti]

How angry are you?

[Kevin Ryan]

Also fighting in sands. Gotta be tough.

[Dave Trolley]

Oh, fuck that shit.

[Ari Matti]

Straight. And then the chicks are. Yeah, it's all because of the. Even the guys, whenever you see a fight, they don't want to do it.

[Kevin Ryan]

I told that to my wife.

[Ari Matti]

So now I have to. And you're not gonna get wet your pussy. Even if I back down and we survive, your pussy saw what happened.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's over.

[Ari Matti]

And it's over. It's slowly over.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's a wrap.

[Ari Matti]

Is my man even a man?

[Kevin Ryan]

He's not.

[Ari Matti]

I can get a Cuban guy who'll fight. Who will fight the. Now that's a man. And the pussy saw what happened.

[Dave Trolley]

That might have been the funniest thing

[Ari Matti]

I've ever heard about. So you have to die for the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's.

[Dave Trolley]

You can fight, though. You can scrap. You know what you do.

[Ari Matti]

No, I can fight when it's like the mats are down, we warm up, we do the rubbers for my shoulder. And you're my friend. You're my friend. And I'm training with my friend. We're rolling around, I'm making gay jokes.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

I can't do street. 3am fucked up. I need a big warmup and clarity. I'm not combat ready.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's gotta listen to like an Eminem song or something to get pumped up.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, when you did like, MMA or jujitsu, everybody thinks, like, I'm always like, Alex Pereira. I'm ready to go in there. I haven't sparred in 10 years, and I'm a pussy at heart.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, yeah, I'll let my girl get punched before I literally. I'm a terrible fighter. I'm a great witness.

[Dave Trolley]

Are you dating now? You got a girl you locked in? You playing the field?

[Kevin Ryan]

Ah, why you gotta do that to the guy? Hey, dickhead.

[Ari Matti]

I dated a girl for a little bit, you know. You know how it is.

[Dave Trolley]

Lost her in a fight in Miami.

[Ari Matti]

Are you both like married?

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah, well, I'm on my way out of a marriage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Really? I'm married to a kid.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

You have a little bit of tension around you.

[Dave Trolley]

I think so.

[Ari Matti]

You picked up way more than last time.

[Dave Trolley]

Are you kidding me? I'm very relaxed.

[Ari Matti]

Well, your life is about to get. But is it the money that you're like losing that's what making you angry?

[Dave Trolley]

I already took care of that.

[Ari Matti]

Really?

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah, long gone.

[Ari Matti]

I swear to God, the way I've heard about these American divorce in Estonia. You can leave your wife with two kids on the curb. Who gives a. It's mine. Yeah, that happens all the time. That happened to my mom too.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's if you have.

[Ari Matti]

That happened to my mom. My stepdad. My stepdad bought me a PlayStation and I said can we get it modified so I can get the games? Remember you would get the games like for $1. He says if we have money to buy the PlayStation, we have money to buy the games. Like a baller. Six months later. Six months later he moved out. So now I had no games, no nothing. Me and my mom for. But these divorces here. Yeah, you guys, it's messy if my. No matter how much money I have, if you take five grand from me, I'm killing your cat. You're not taking my money that I work. I did a weekend in West Virginia in front of Incels for this. I was in the Doubletree with me and the fan thinking of suicide. I worked for this. Five grand you're not taking.

[Dave Trolley]

All right. What is wrong with you?

[Ari Matti]

I don't know, I just. I've heard so many horror stories.

[Kevin Ryan]

I get it. I get bad news. I get it. I had to have the conversation with my wife recently, cuz we have a. We have a one year old. And then we walked out of the store. There was a crazy guy who was like screaming and stuff and I like I just said get on this side of me. So mainly protecting the kid. My wife can handle it. You know, there's check worlds.

[Ari Matti]

You should protect yourself. You can make the kid, he can make one of you. What are the chances he's also gonna be A star.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll flatter. You called me a star.

[Ari Matti]

Big bucks.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I just said, you what if, you know, in the rare instance that there's an issue, I go, you get the baby and go. Do not try to prevent. I'm not. I'm not engaging, really. I'm just going.

[Ari Matti]

I think Ari disagrees with this very strongly. If I have a problem, I look at my boyfriend like, honey, suck him off. Buy us time. I tell the kid, go get the cops. I'll actually. I'll go get the cops. You stay with mommy. I'll go get the cops. I'll be right back with the money.

[Dave Trolley]

Me.

[Ari Matti]

I'll wink.

[Dave Trolley]

Do you want to have kids?

[Ari Matti]

I guess so. I mean, I wanna. Yeah.

[Dave Trolley]

How old of a fellow are you?

[Ari Matti]

34.

[Dave Trolley]

You're 34.

[Ari Matti]

As a guy, I can go Al Pacino, you know, find some.

[Dave Trolley]

Wow.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

That's so good.

[Kevin Ryan]

Was.

[Ari Matti]

All my friends, chicks, they're all. Now, dude, if you're a 34 year old woman, you're literally over.

[Kevin Ryan]

They call it culture in culture. Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

I love you, angels.

[Kevin Ryan]

These aren't your personal beliefs.

[Ari Matti]

Society. It's not my. I'm not. I'm portraying what you guys have done.

[Dave Trolley]

Don't play Mari.

[Kevin Ryan]

Also, after 35, it's called a geriatric pregnancy.

[Ari Matti]

I don't like that word.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's crazy, right? That's crazy. I go, no, the women didn't sign off on that. Some dude. Some dude came up.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

A geriatric pregnant, 35. Ew.

[Ari Matti]

But in America, with these female comedians, they have cash when they got cash. They have kids at 45. If you have money.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Dave Trolley]

You can do the fertility.

[Kevin Ryan]

Freeze your eggs.

[Dave Trolley]

Freeze the eggs.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Trolley]

Over easy.

[Ari Matti]

And all of my age, women, they want a stability. They want a career. They want a driver's license. You know, I'm with an E bike.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

I'm with.

[Ari Matti]

I'm coming in with a lime scooter.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's what he texted. Because I'm parking my city bike. And he goes, ari, Maddie's driving around the city on a city bike.

[Ari Matti]

I go, I guess you have no idea. I have nothing. Yeah. I don't even know. Yeah. So I don't know. That's tough. Yeah.

[Dave Trolley]

How do you get around in Austin? You just take Ubers. I got.

[Ari Matti]

I got a bicycle on my legs.

[Dave Trolley]

Really?

[Ari Matti]

An Uber?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah. So you're downtown.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't.

[Ari Matti]

I don't like the fact that I have a thing under my ass that I can kill a whole family with and now deal with that? Yeah. Because I want to drink. I want to.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Ari Matti]

I want to chill.

[Dave Trolley]

Really?

[Ari Matti]

I don't like, like, responsibility parking. Are you kidding me? What?

[Dave Trolley]

Let me stay here. Where?

[Ari Matti]

I'll be back.

[Kevin Ryan]

I swear to God, I'll be back.

[Ari Matti]

I don't like the rules around bar.

[Kevin Ryan]

Who's cleaning your house? I get that you're not a rule guy.

[Dave Trolley]

Who's cleaning the house? Are you cleaning the house? You got a cleaning lady?

[Ari Matti]

I really tried to do this. American. Well, I dated for a girl for a while. Oh, my God. It's like you reach a new age in life, dude. The beds, it don't look. The pillow don't look like it's been pissed off.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's crazy.

[Ari Matti]

It's a crazy upgrade because I haven't been in a relationship for a while. Oh, it's. I'm a new man. It's crazy. Things smell.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're in an adult relationship.

[Ari Matti]

There are so many weird smells in my house that I don't know where they're coming from. Like, and. And women will clean a house. Clean it. Like, they'll move a shelf behind my shelf right now, there's Avatar. I mean, it's bad. I don't clean that. I don't see it.

[Dave Trolley]

You're clean.

[Ari Matti]

I mean, you did it. So I thought about the cleaning lady. American. American. American. You know, you guys, Is that very American?

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah, we guys, you know, cleanly is in Europe. It's a big, big, booming business.

[Kevin Ryan]

My wife. My wife doesn't tell her family and friends that we go to Angie's List.

[Ari Matti]

So then I tried it two times. I got cash lying around. I'm worried at the paranoia. And also, I clean for the cleaning lady.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

You cannot see my default.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. You got to get to a presentable place.

[Ari Matti]

When chicks come over to my place, that's very American. And I tell them, I. Sorry it's so messy. That means I have cleaned for four hours to get to this messy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Not normally like this.

[Ari Matti]

And the shame I felt like when a cleaning lady saw what's really going on in a single man's life, it's bad.

[Dave Trolley]

Bad.

[Ari Matti]

So now I'm cleaning for the cleaning lady. And then the whole operation fell apart.

[Dave Trolley]

The girl left.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

I'm just a happy pig and shit, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

I'm not gonna pretend like I'm better than anybody else. I'm a little pig and shit.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

I do other things. I talk, I walk. Like I'm. I have other qualities.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You have a lot of good qualities.

[Ari Matti]

My Dick works. It's not the biggest, but it works. And it's fun to be with me. You know, I don't have a driver's license, but we'll take lime bikes downtown and we'll laugh the whole way.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's on the highway.

[Ari Matti]

So the chicks I'm banging right now, they're all coming.

[Kevin Ryan]

Are you wearing. Is that your own merch too? It's like a.

[Ari Matti]

It's like a Heil Hitler, but we're the funniest person. So the chicks I'm dating right now, there's a lot of women coming out of divorces right now. And that's when they go for a guy.

[Dave Trolley]

You son of a bitch.

[Ari Matti]

That's when they go for a guy like me. Yeah, because I'm a loose scam.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, you're fine. You're edgy. This husband piece of it was an accountant or something. You're like.

[Ari Matti]

And I don't even listen to you. I'm like disrespectful, but fun. I don't answer the calls. I'm like a

[Dave Trolley]

wild bull.

[Kevin Ryan]

Warby Parker. Warby Parker.

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[Kevin Ryan]

you got to book an appointment, you

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[Dave Trolley]

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[Kevin Ryan]

Huh?

[Dave Trolley]

What's in your house that makes you feel classy or what? What have you got something?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. What is something you do? You spend money on, you know, that makes you go, this makes me feel. It doesn't have to be classy. It doesn't have to be, you know, it could be flying first class. It could be staying at a nice hotel from time to time.

[Ari Matti]

I tried those espresso machines. Too many buttons and shit. Dude, what the fuck happening?

[Dave Trolley]

You're like a caveman.

[Kevin Ryan]

Too many buttons.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, yeah. And then an error. You ever see an error on a device and you Google the error? In history, it has never happened.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, you get like, I got a B94 warning or something.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. Y. Yeah, Chachi. PT is like, you're on your own. So I do a French press.

[Dave Trolley]

Gentleman.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, I like. It takes a while.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you like. Do you ground the beans yourself?

[Dave Trolley]

Of course.

[Ari Matti]

I'm a big coffee guy. That's my little.

[Dave Trolley]

You ground the beans where? At the house or down at the supermarket?

[Ari Matti]

And even the machine. The middle. Oh, yeah. I go down to the place. Place, place with. With. With like the LGBT flags. The good coffee. I smell it.

[Kevin Ryan]

But.

[Ari Matti]

But even the Uras and this jura, like an E5, which is the regular Jura with the button, has an internal grinder. What I want is this machine.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like the espresso.

[Dave Trolley]

Yes.

[Ari Matti]

But the small one you get at home doesn't have enough pressure. The big ones cost 100 grand, by the way, and they need maintenance. If I'm going get a clean of machine, if I'm really going for something, that's my dream. But the French press, it takes time. You wait, you push it down. You push too early. You feel bad about it. Sure, I like that.

[Dave Trolley]

Usually give it about seven minutes.

[Ari Matti]

You don't let the water boil. I take breakfast. I have a nice garden. No shoes inside, so there are some.

[Dave Trolley]

I bet you his place looks nice.

[Ari Matti]

The way Americans literally come over. Just like Austin.

[Dave Trolley]

Aids.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes. You see, like a band aid on there and stuff. It's bad.

[Ari Matti]

And chicks are like, are we doing later? Maybe cleaning up? I don't know, dude.

[Dave Trolley]

See, I bet you he's real neat, takes care of his.

[Ari Matti]

Actually not.

[Dave Trolley]

You're crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

And those are just things that bother him.

[Ari Matti]

It's messy, but it's messy.

[Dave Trolley]

Clothes, merch thrown around.

[Ari Matti]

There's like different jurisdictions of. Of. Of clean clothes. You know, there's like the chair. You know, the chair. The chair. The chair means I already went halfway there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Halfway there.

[Ari Matti]

If I go like this, it's pretty bad. But for a friend, it's good. But if I want to hold on to a girl, it's a problem. So that's the chair.

[Dave Trolley]

That's the chair.

[Ari Matti]

Then there's the floor. One might think the floor means wash. The floor means I take the trash out with that shirt,

[Kevin Ryan]

you know, utility shirt. I got you. I'm right there with you.

[Ari Matti]

But then it's in front of the washing machine. It's in front. You think that means next step is washing? Might not. I might walk past it and see it and be like, I'll just put it on. Fuck it.

[Kevin Ryan]

A little bit of light. You are a very nuanced, complicated man. You know that, right? I've never heard anybody so eloquently describe the clothes on the chair.

[Dave Trolley]

It's very good.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's like that is. That is like around the world, everybody. That resonates. That is funny.

[Ari Matti]

But if you have a wife, the chair needs to go. Wives have two jurisdictions. Dirty or clean. Yeah, they don't like the. Oh, don't. So many times my will just throw the shirt in the wash. I literally wore it one time to one spot. I didn't even. I didn't. I was in the Uber. I didn't even walk around in it. I haven't even swept in it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Specific kind of guy.

[Ari Matti]

But you know, women don't like that.

[Dave Trolley]

I was, I was a little sleepy before you got here.

[Kevin Ryan]

How about when I get a divorce?

[Ari Matti]

Dude, I'm so sweaty too. I came from a steam room.

[Kevin Ryan]

You did?

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, I went to Lifetime.

[Dave Trolley]

No kidding. You went and had a steam. Little Schwitz as they call it.

[Ari Matti]

Then by the pool I see like. You know what I love seeing as a man? 65 year old guy. He still keeps in shape. He does yoga and he's super tan. He's got a good job in New York. He's got a Black girlfriend about 28. She's a little chubby. But for him he looks like an angel. He looks like an absolute ass. You know, like a skinny old guy with the flab.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah, I got that guy. Not skinny, but I got the. I got the saggy gorilla titty.

[Ari Matti]

You know what? When you get older, being fatter looks better.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, skinny.

[Ari Matti]

That all the skin and they see. You know when the veins are. Some of them don't even work. They're like. They're like. Like the tracks have been shut down. Like, like the hard don't retire.

[Dave Trolley]

Like an old subway tunnel.

[Ari Matti]

Oh, I can own subway. They're about to fly.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Flood.

[Ari Matti]

They're about to flood that tunnel. It's not no use no more. And him. But he's got a young like, like chubby fat.

[Dave Trolley]

But this is because of co ed spa.

[Ari Matti]

Coed spa. Coat spa.

[Dave Trolley]

What's going on in there? Anything?

[Ari Matti]

Well, for 300 bucks a month I will look at now.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you have the one you can go to any lifetime in the country? Yeah, that's a good pass.

[Ari Matti]

You gotta get that one.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Your travel.

[Dave Trolley]

You're a big spa guy, huh?

[Ari Matti]

My favorite thing is Eastern European. My favorite thing is go to the lifetime. And in front of me there's people who are the lifetime basics. So they can go to their bumfuck. Hoboken1. Don't come.

[Kevin Ryan]

They can't operate.

[Ari Matti]

Don't come to midtown. And they get denied. I love that.

[Dave Trolley]

What do you get done in there?

[Ari Matti]

Classism.

[Kevin Ryan]

That. That's another thing that. That would go back to the fancy thing that makes you feel fancy. You go, I feel better than you. When I got the 300.

[Ari Matti]

Another American experience. I never knew first class. It sucks. I mean aviation sucks anyway way. But like group three is boarding all the animals. Group six, seven, eight. They're all. Which I often am because sometimes expensive, but anyway. But I'm speaking of the one time once a week I spend dealing and I go right past everybody and everybody looks like you're cuz I'm playing by music. I'm actually not playing music. I want to hear the hum. I want to hear the hum.

[Kevin Ryan]

I want to hear the whispers.

[Ari Matti]

I want to hear the whispers. But everybody thinks, oh, he's gonna get denied and it's gonna be ashamed that come back with Group 8, I'm not one of you. And even they go, we'll just group three. And then you show the ba Ba. You know it's a different color. Sure, it's red. They got the blue. I'm the red Delta dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

Baba.

[Ari Matti]

Straight into the tunnel. I was feeling everyone else is worried.

[Kevin Ryan]

I get thanks for being diamond. I get, hey, thank you, Mr. Ryan. Wow. I don't if that. If someone's behind me and they hear that I turn, I go suck my dick. Feels nice.

[Ari Matti]

It's so good.

[Kevin Ryan]

Feels nice.

[Ari Matti]

And I love that the way they do it brutally too, that you sit down, watch animals will you make eye

[Dave Trolley]

contact as they walk by? You look at them in disgust.

[Ari Matti]

Depend. Some people I see, I'm like, they're like me. They're like, they sometimes maybe afford it or sometimes they reward themselves. So they know the rules.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, they know what's going on.

[Ari Matti]

They know what's going on. They're like, like, oh, good for you. And maybe one day, maybe on next Friday on my shorter flight, it'll be me. It'll be me. But then there's people who will never be here. And that feels good. You belong back there.

[Dave Trolley]

Do you ever take anything from first class? You take like the little kit that they Give you. Or the slippers. You bring that home or nothing?

[Ari Matti]

No, no, I don't like that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude. I saw a guy, we was flying to Germany. We land in Germany.

[Ari Matti]

Lufthansa.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Little backs. By the way, I have those little bags still.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, we do take them sometimes. They give you.

[Ari Matti]

I didn't want to say it.

[Kevin Ryan]

They give you nice blankets too.

[Ari Matti]

I take. I. By the way, I keep everything. I know I've taken this back. And the one from here, that guy doesn't take.

[Kevin Ryan]

The guy was walking up from coach to get off and he was going through. Ransacking everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy.

[Ari Matti]

You'll never be.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was like, you'll never. You don't.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know, you don't belong guy. You know you don't.

[Dave Trolley]

Ian, fight. INS took my slippers one time.

[Ari Matti]

Really?

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah, we were on the same floor.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, they do it. They do have some nice stuff. You get toothbrush in there, some lotion, some cream, something like that.

[Ari Matti]

But have you heard about these Turkish airlines, when it's the shower.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's.

[Dave Trolley]

It's that water. Can't be good though.

[Ari Matti]

Can't be good. It's full. Recycled. Yeah, there's no way we got enough water.

[Dave Trolley]

Why the would you have to take a shower on the plane? You want to take a shower when you get off the plane.

[Ari Matti]

No, no, True, true, I get that.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah. You have to plane. You gotta take a shower.

[Kevin Ryan]

I would do it for sure.

[Dave Trolley]

You would?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Why? When the fuck else am I going to get a chance to shower on a plane?

[Dave Trolley]

Is there. Wait, hold on. Is it a shared shower?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I think it's you.

[Ari Matti]

No, no, no, no, no. You get a slot. You get a slot, a 15 minute slot and you slot. So like most people do it right before landing. You know, freshen up.

[Dave Trolley]

Is there one shower or is there multiple showers?

[Ari Matti]

There's two showers and they clean and the bathroom is big.

[Dave Trolley]

Big.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Matti]

I've seen the pictures. It's crazy, really, but they clean really nicely. Like between every bathroom if, if you go. There's a. There's a special attendant that cleans after every person.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Dave Trolley]

What if you had turbulence and you're in there and you fucking fall out, your balls are hanging out. But he's seeing my little wiener. Fucking need that bullshit. Got my hair plugs in, coming back.

[Ari Matti]

Have you ever seen like pictures how flying used to be 70s? There's like a bar area.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah. Nice, fresh fruit, shit like this.

[Ari Matti]

I don't know.

[Dave Trolley]

No seat belts. Those Things went down though.

[Ari Matti]

One, 911 a year versus a bar on a plane.

[Dave Trolley]

You're saying the trade off is worth it?

[Ari Matti]

I mean, Jesus Christ, I don't think

[Dave Trolley]

that, like 911 is why I don't have the bars on there. You fly, you know, don't you? When you go to Estonia, don't. Isn't it a big jumbo jet with a bar upstairs?

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[Ari Matti]

I've never even seen that.

[Dave Trolley]

They don't have that shit no more. I thought you said there was that. That the ones that have the bubble on top, they got a bar up there. You go up there and hang out.

[Kevin Ryan]

You make up a lot of stuff.

[Ari Matti]

You watch some AI video of a bubble and you think. Think it's real. There's no bubble.

[Dave Trolley]

There's those big jets with the hump on.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. No, there's more seats up second floor. There are no seats up there.

[Ari Matti]

I think that's all.

[Kevin Ryan]

I just took one. I just took one.

[Ari Matti]

What?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can walk. Where to?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Germany.

[Kevin Ryan]

The Lufthansa house? Yeah. They have one with the second floor that has like eight Austin up there.

[Ari Matti]

Dude, the Austin one, we have ashtrays.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, that's an old.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, those old.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, you get. Sometimes you'll get on a plane, there'll be an ashtray in your hand with your armrest. You're like, this thing's getting to be. I know.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

From 1978.

[Ari Matti]

They're still the same model. 747s, A 320. Those are all models from the 70s, dude.

[Dave Trolley]

They got new in it, though. They got the hydraulics, a computer, shoot down radar, all that.

[Kevin Ryan]

There's like two planes with bars in them still. Two planes, yeah. Like you would know if you're getting on that plane. It's like the Air Emirates flight with. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they don't have them, you know. You don't have Delta flights.

[Dave Trolley]

Don't have them.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Damn. Okay. Look at that. In the world of travel, let's say. Let's say you have a flight at noon. What time are you showing up to the airport?

[Dave Trolley]

Are you run right through? You sprint through.

[Kevin Ryan]

I feel like you're probably. You're like packing your bag, running through the terminal. I feel a little bit smelling your shirt to make sure it's still good.

[Ari Matti]

If I get there five minutes before boarding, I'm already in a good time.

[Kevin Ryan]

Get to the airport or to the gate? No, like, get to the. Say boarding's 11, so.

[Ari Matti]

Dude, I have. I don't Even know.

[Dave Trolley]

Have you ever missed a flight? Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Are you kidding me?

[Dave Trolley]

It's 50.

[Ari Matti]

50 every time. I'm so, like, why? I don't know how, dude. Time is a weird thing where it's like, sometimes you're so fast and sometimes so slow.

[Dave Trolley]

I like the way he's living because

[Ari Matti]

I don't even know. Like, sometimes I'll get up at 8 for a 10 o' clock flight. I'll be there like half an hour early. I'm like, how did this happen? Next time I wake up, seven, I miss the flight. What is that? You can't tell me. Time is same. It's relative.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's a good point.

[Ari Matti]

I mean, it's crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got good points, dude. You really do.

[Dave Trolley]

You ever, ever have anxiety or anything like that?

[Ari Matti]

Or what?

[Dave Trolley]

Or anything.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't think so.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. Oh, no, no, no.

[Dave Trolley]

You do you get anxiety?

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know, don't worry if you missed that flight.

[Ari Matti]

Oh, yeah. I mean, I have a full panic attack. I'm always worried. This ain't easy. It's not my fault. Sounds like I'm Leonardo DiCaprio.

[Dave Trolley]

Okay.

[Ari Matti]

Catch me if you can. I'm not that guy. I'm worried. Oh, I'm. Oh. But then time goes so quick sometimes. It's crazy. You literally look at a watch like, okay, okay. Okay. Two hours. What? I just sat here.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah, that'll give you. It's weird. When does that. Sometimes it goes so slow and then

[Ari Matti]

sometimes you talk to your wife and you're like, whoa. What the. We've been here for hours. Two minutes. Oh, my God.

[Kevin Ryan]

Huh?

[Dave Trolley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

I would have. I would have pegged you for a little bit more. Showing up early, being on time.

[Ari Matti]

Oh, no, no, no. Being on time.

[Dave Trolley]

Look at what happened. This kid's a loose cannon. I know.

[Kevin Ryan]

You weren't late today.

[Ari Matti]

I was late even to my high school. Dude. I have a memory of high school graduation, the. Not graduation, the exam you have to do. Like, what do you examine?

[Dave Trolley]

SATs, we call them unanimous.

[Ari Matti]

The score.

[Dave Trolley]

Took a shot at that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Everybody. Well, yeah, we said the SATs are, what, like the nation? Everybody, kind of.

[Ari Matti]

But this is different. Subject. Subjects.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes. English and math.

[Dave Trolley]

English.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Oh, we do like two mandatory. I think it's math and then literature and literature. It's not. It's like you have to write an essay or something.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, they had that.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. Yeah. So that. And that is the most crucial part, which we. Because. Because you can be. See, that's another thing. You can get creative on there. I didn't know. Nothing. They. The topic was like. Like something. I did my own thing.

[Dave Trolley]

Vendettas or something.

[Ari Matti]

I don't know. It was something cool. Like, something.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ooh.

[Ari Matti]

And. And I remember that morning. I know. Exam. It's my high school exam. The most important day of my life, probably to graduate this thing. I look at the time, the vibe is off. The vibe is off. I go back to sleep, and I have that thought in my. In the bed. I go. I mess it up. I just went back to bed. No, it was like, half an hour late. And then the teacher. Do they send, like, an outside person to look at the sats to control.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's like a proctor.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Because it's a conflict of interest.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Matti]

So there's some there who already closed the door. And the exam is going. You can't be late. So it's already going. But my teacher loved me. Loved me. And she goes,

[Kevin Ryan]

proctor, proctor. We would say protractor.

[Ari Matti]

And then she grabs me and goes up to the tractor and goes to her, like. Like, Ari has a difficult family life and. And, like, you know, he's from a violent home and he works. Dude, I worked at a trampoline center just to bang those chicks. And my mom loved me. My mom gave me snacks. I was eating snacks this morning, playing GTA before that. So she goes, he was late because he comes out of town. Dude, I was right here.

[Dave Trolley]

Did you really work at a trampoline?

[Ari Matti]

I worked at a trampoline place, yeah.

[Dave Trolley]

You mean like. Like where you go in and jump around or you sold.

[Ari Matti]

You know, those big rooms. There's, like, walls and. And then there's all these, like, moms with their kids coming around. I would hit on the moms, watch the kid. I wouldn't really watch the kids. So many kids broke their legs around me.

[Kevin Ryan]

One time.

[Ari Matti]

One time I saw kid his leg snap. Anderson Silva, you had. Because he was so fat. And then another fat kid jumped on the trampoline at that. And it's an inertia. It's a double inertia. Gao cow and full snap. The mom is crying, but she's vulnerable emotion.

[Dave Trolley]

And that's when Ari swoops in.

[Ari Matti]

And then I heard the whole leg, like, everything's good with that. And I feel the clean bone, like, between my hands. And I'm holding. I'm hitting on the mom.

[Dave Trolley]

So what are you doing later?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I'm telling. Where's his dad at?

[Dave Trolley]

What are you doing after the emergency room?

[Kevin Ryan]

Lying.

[Ari Matti]

I'm telling you. He's gonna be okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

God damn, dude.

[Dave Trolley]

You know what I want to ask you when it comes to literature in Estonia?

[Ari Matti]

Huh?

[Dave Trolley]

Are you doing like Shakespeare and. Or is it more like Russian?

[Ari Matti]

Russian. Russian.

[Dave Trolley]

Russian. Really? So like Dostoevsky?

[Ari Matti]

Dostoyevsky. What's that? Crime and Punishment or what's it in English?

[Dave Trolley]

Crime and Punishment.

[Ari Matti]

Is it Law and Order?

[Kevin Ryan]

Huh?

[Dave Trolley]

War and Peace, I would assume.

[Ari Matti]

War. Oh yeah. War and Peace. I didn't read any of them. I read the Cliff Notes and I read.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah, that must have been so hard. American, English or American literature is brutal, man. Trying to get through fucking War and Peace. I would never. You give me a million years to read that shit. It's.

[Ari Matti]

And also.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's go.

[Ari Matti]

And also with my generation, I'm playing GTA 3.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

I'm murdering hookers in an alley. And during the day acting like I'm a nice guy and following traffic light. And then at night I murder hookers. You stomp them, you get your money back. You know, it's how you lose 40 for the hooker. But is that really 75 back and you're like, what's the 35? Yeah, yeah, you can stomp a hooker to dead and get the money back. That's gta. You ever played Jesus Christ?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's the Estonia version.

[Ari Matti]

And then I try to read like a dose toy where it's like a seven page heartbreak moment. I just murdered seven hookers, went to

[Kevin Ryan]

bed, had the best night's sleep.

[Ari Matti]

Exactly. I unlocked two islands and helicopters were after me because I shot cops. I'm shooting police officers.

[Dave Trolley]

Kevin's talking about progressive.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to Progressive.

[Dave Trolley]

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[Kevin Ryan]

Yes. Visit progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little cash back. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month saving of $946 by new customers surveyed who save with Progressive between June 2024 and May 2025. Potential savings will vary.

[Dave Trolley]

Keb, let's talk about that chilipad.

[Kevin Ryan]

Chili pad.

[Dave Trolley]

I know you're. You're a hot sleeper. You sleep hot.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hot Boxing it.

[Dave Trolley]

That's what I want to tell everybody about the Chilipad 2.0 by Sleep Me. It's the most advanced version yet of the bed cooling system, built specifically people who are tired of waking up hot and sweaty. There is nothing that I hate more than waking up hot and sweaty. You gotta adjust the covers. You gotta this, you gotta do that. Chilipad works with the existing mattress. There's no need for a new bed. Yes, works right there. Bang. There you go. Sleeping comfortable.

[Kevin Ryan]

Uh huh. It actively cools or warms your bed by using water. It's a thermostat for your bed. And water is the key here. Fans just move hot air around like a bozo. That's all a fan does. We're talking about the Chillipad. It uses actively chilled water to cool the bed. Oh God. Actually pulling heat away from your body. And the difference is standing in front of a fan or jumping into a cold pool. You do the math. Okay, okay. Visit www.sleep.me garbage to get up to $255 off your Chilipad 2.0 with code GARBAGE. This special offer is available for RU Garbage listeners, so take advantage of it only for a limited time. Order today with free shipping and try it out for 30 days. You can return it for free if you don't like. If you don't like it with their sleep trial, visit www.sleep.me garbage and never wake up hot and tired again. Yeah, what was the last book you read or tried to read?

[Ari Matti]

No, no, no. Now on the Kindle. I read a lot, but only auto part. I don't like anything made up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Autobio. Yeah, I'm the same way.

[Ari Matti]

I hate Harry Potter, all of that. Like an owl talks to me. Get the fuck out of here. I'm 34 years old. I don't like marvels. I don't like any. It's so weird.

[Kevin Ryan]

Give me a guy like trying to pay rent.

[Dave Trolley]

Like you don't like superhero movies or nothing.

[Ari Matti]

Like grown men will watch. Like what is it? The Galaxy Guardians. Right? And like a three is clever man. Shut the fuck up.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's fuck up.

[Dave Trolley]

I'm moving in with this kid.

[Kevin Ryan]

With you in the shape, I don't

[Ari Matti]

know, I can't get into like the made up James Bond I like because he bangs hook.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's real. That's a real guy doing real shit.

[Ari Matti]

It's doable. I could do that.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't, I don't get. They have like weaknesses. And I'm like, well, we'll just write the Weakness that he doesn't have it just like he. Can he do it? Can he not do it? It. Does he have powers? He's not have powers. You're gonna save the day. Oh, let me guess.

[Ari Matti]

He saves his day and then Dr. It's like Dr. The city. Dr. Manhattan.

[Dave Trolley]

Manhattan. You don't like that. You don't like the.

[Ari Matti]

He's like super, super, super. But then he's like a. Also. That doesn't make sense, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

What are we talking about? Yeah, I'm with this guy.

[Dave Trolley]

If Ari had superpowers.

[Ari Matti]

And I love autobiographies.

[Dave Trolley]

Who do you read?

[Ari Matti]

All the musicians and all the comedians. All entertainers. There's a great one by James Brown. No, it's. It's not even his manager. I think it's called the one, if I remember.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know.

[Ari Matti]

And there's like. It's a great book where there's like chapter by chapter. It's like James Brown's account of what happened. And then cyclo.

[Kevin Ryan]

What actually happened.

[Ari Matti]

Side note from his manager.

[Dave Trolley]

Oh, that's awesome.

[Ari Matti]

Like, every story is like, you know,

[Dave Trolley]

I didn't do nothing, man. I went home, went to bed.

[Ari Matti]

Being in the 70s as a Black man in Georgia, it was a rough time. The police always gave us trouble. Police pulled us over, left us in Georgia all night. And then you read the manager, he had a hooker in the trunk with a shotgun.

[Kevin Ryan]

Different account of it.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

You know,

[Kevin Ryan]

that's good reading on the Kindle. That's good. Staying. You're staying engaged.

[Dave Trolley]

This kid's a psychopath. What are you talking about?

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm trying to get on his side so it doesn't fucking hurt me. No, no, no, no, I'm kidding. How often are you in the gym? What's the. What's the.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

More?

[Kevin Ryan]

What's. What is the daily routine of Ari Mad? I wake up, you got your French bread, you do the French press so

[Ari Matti]

late,

[Dave Trolley]

bro, you're not doing the French press when you leave for the airport.

[Ari Matti]

I swear to God. I swear to God. I could go to bed at 1am or 5am or 7am I sleep till 1pm really?

[Kevin Ryan]

Whatever.

[Ari Matti]

The just happens.

[Dave Trolley]

Do you do the coffee at the house before you go to the airport? If you got an early flight, you get the coffee at the airport?

[Ari Matti]

Airport, no.

[Dave Trolley]

What?

[Ari Matti]

I get the coffee when I get to the place. I take a nap at the hotel and then I go.

[Kevin Ryan]

So you don't want any coffee?

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, exactly, because it ruins the flight a little. But I'll get a little Too angry. I'm missing the flight. I don't need coffee. I need more. I need to calm down.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, you sleep on the plane.

[Ari Matti]

No, I'm. I can't do that. I don't know. I'm also like a big.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're a bigger guy.

[Ari Matti]

I'm a big Neanderthal and I can't. I don't know. I'm so uncomfortable. People always hit my leg.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know if you get to lay flat, Kenya.

[Ari Matti]

It's a weird sleep. It's one of these. Yeah, I'm not seeing.

[Dave Trolley]

A guy in 4B is real chill.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, I'm not seeing. And I'm like a crazy sleeper too.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

I kick.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, I can imagine. Oh, my God.

[Dave Trolley]

You kick in your sleep.

[Ari Matti]

I don't know. I just moved. I know. I bite my teeth and I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Guy. Guy grinds his teeth.

[Ari Matti]

I grind my teeth.

[Dave Trolley]

You grind your teeth.

[Ari Matti]

Oh, my God. Grind it down, dude.

[Dave Trolley]

When you're sleeping.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. It's crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's crazy. Stop doing that. That looks insane. And then that was. That was so oddly scary. You don't let doesn't look like you. And I'll never not see. Never.

[Ari Matti]

And then they say, get the gum shield. Dude, that's so gay to like worry about your teeth at night. Jesus Christ.

[Dave Trolley]

Just be a real man's man.

[Kevin Ryan]

Turn them into dust.

[Ari Matti]

After the steam room, I'm still like, sweaty.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah, you don't plunge after. Isn't that part of the close today? Really?

[Ari Matti]

What the fuck?

[Kevin Ryan]

You gave some of that 300 back.

[Ari Matti]

I know, it's crazy.

[Dave Trolley]

How often do you do this? Be serious.

[Ari Matti]

Every day. Every day. Every day. I have to find a song every day. Oh, it's in my culture. We have a sauna shower next to each other. We built a sauna before the bedroom. It's a thing. I have to do it.

[Dave Trolley]

You sauna every day? Every day.

[Ari Matti]

Every day. I'll find a way. I mean, if there's no sauna, I'll fucking figure it.

[Dave Trolley]

How long are you in there for?

[Ari Matti]

Half an hour. Till I absolutely want to kill myself.

[Dave Trolley]

Sweat.

[Ari Matti]

I count down seconds.

[Dave Trolley]

You sweat it out.

[Ari Matti]

Sweat it out. It's good for you. Yeah, I drink a lot too, so I got to do something.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gotta get it out.

[Dave Trolley]

And then you shower off or cold

[Ari Matti]

plunge, cold plunge, shower.

[Dave Trolley]

And then you feel great if it physically feels good.

[Ari Matti]

I don't feel good. But I feel better than I did before.

[Dave Trolley]

Uh huh.

[Ari Matti]

So I can now.

[Dave Trolley]

Every day.

[Ari Matti]

Every day.

[Dave Trolley]

Do you have a sauna at the house?

[Ari Matti]

No, those are not worth it. It's not the right experience. But I moved next to a sauna place. That's a Finnish sauna in Austin. It's super nice, hot as fuck. 2, 210. 210, 210 for 20 minutes.

[Dave Trolley]

Oh.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh.

[Ari Matti]

Feels so bad going there.

[Dave Trolley]

Banging out.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. And then you come out, you become a new person. Everything, I swear, all the sins, all the creepy stuff you did last week.

[Dave Trolley]

I want to hang out with him.

[Ari Matti]

All the weird you said to that lady, sweat it out.

[Kevin Ryan]

Repent for your sins, dog.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, that's my church.

[Dave Trolley]

It's all boy. I know. You're a goddamn sweetheart.

[Ari Matti]

I am. I'm actually, like, so scared, dude. I'm scared of women.

[Dave Trolley]

He's the sweetest guy in the world.

[Ari Matti]

I literally. I'm literally terrified every time.

[Dave Trolley]

Ladies, man, the chicks all love him. Even.

[Ari Matti]

You know, I'm always doubtful about New York. I like nature. I like calmness. You know, I'm already an anxious person, so I don't need another New York ramping me up. You're anxious or like, I'm already, like, on edge?

[Kevin Ryan]

Nah. Yeah, we get it.

[Ari Matti]

So. Kids are volatile, but this visit has been, like, magical in the sense of stuff that's happened. I get in on Sunday, take the elevator. I'm at Citizen M. You know, Citizen M, like that chain, Citizen M. Oh, yeah, Citizen M. What their thing is. Nice rooftop, nice people. Nice. Nice lounge area. The roof are all very, like, small but functional.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Matti]

They got good stuff, good beds. It's like a traveler's thing. And the check in is there's no, oh, here's the card. You just go, papa, Papa, Papa, and you take the car.

[Kevin Ryan]

That process needs to be completely changed.

[Dave Trolley]

That's crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's insane.

[Ari Matti]

Checking in a hotel room, working person. And it's cool. And backpackers use it, and hip people use it because they have a rooftop bar open till 2am only for the hotel guests. I like that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Very cool. I hate no riff raff.

[Ari Matti]

I hate when you have a nice hotel and then up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, just people from the street.

[Ari Matti]

I saw you on the plane. Don't come up here. I saw your pass, it was blue.

[Dave Trolley]

Now you go up to this when you're in the city, like who you've been hanging out with. You go by yourself.

[Ari Matti]

I mean, it was the UFC at White House, so I wanted to see that at a bar. I didn't do any spots that night. I need to relax for a second, so I go take a few beers at the rooftop bar.

[Kevin Ryan]

Very nice. You've earned it.

[Dave Trolley]

Take a few beers at the rooftop bar. That's a nice.

[Kevin Ryan]

Are you talking to people at the bar?

[Dave Trolley]

He has to be.

[Ari Matti]

Sometimes. I'm scared.

[Dave Trolley]

You chatting people.

[Ari Matti]

First time in my lifetime this has happened. 34 years old. I've traveled a lot, I've done a lot of stuff. I've never had this happen. I go to the elevator, chick walks on. I'm on floor 17. She's 15. Chick walks on. She says, nice shoes. I say, nice dress. You know, I go, come. I come back quick.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

She says, I got the. The rest of it is nice, too.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. How you done?

[Ari Matti]

I'm like, where are you going doing? You tell me. Like, that's what she says.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, what are we doing? You're Jake.

[Dave Trolley]

What are you. What are you wearing?

[Kevin Ryan]

A dirty shirt that was on the chair.

[Ari Matti]

A chair. I'm wearing it.

[Dave Trolley]

Tall, good looking kid.

[Ari Matti]

No, no. But I'm not like that. So now I'm trying to figure out, is she mentally ill? Because that seems.

[Kevin Ryan]

That seems like this is a guy who thinks people are out to get him. Is she mentally ill? I know. I mean, I would also agree with you for sure.

[Ari Matti]

Exactly.

[Kevin Ryan]

But you just go. Let you go. You. This don't happen. You're trying to get one over.

[Ari Matti]

So I talked to. Her name is Catalina. Nice girl, big titties. Nice girl, big titties. Laughs. Great. She's got a big round face. Those are the best chicks that have a big round face. The echo chamber. It's like a big laugh. And they're fun personalities, and they always suck dick. When you see a chick with a head like Stewie from Family Guy, when you see a chick with a head like Stewie from Family Guy, big American football. She sucks. To look into it. I've said this on multiple podcasts. Look into it. So this chick, super pretty, so cute. Big titties. I talked to her. I tried to see if she's mentally ill. I asked her seven times eight. She says, 56.

[Dave Trolley]

I'm like, wow, 56?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, no. What? Seven times you go 56.

[Dave Trolley]

I thought she was 56 years old.

[Kevin Ryan]

It also seemed like you were questioning if the youth didn't think seven times eight it was 56.

[Dave Trolley]

I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's 81. Yeah, okay.

[Ari Matti]

So I find out she's cool. I tell her I want to watch the ufc. That's what I'm doing tonight. And I don't want to bring her because I want to watch UFC by my. I don't. With my friends, I can, but if my friend doesn't, I'm. What I watch. That's the only sport I watch. If you don't know, I don't want to hang out with you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, you want them to know.

[Ari Matti]

So stupid. You're gonna ask stupid questions. You're like, oh, this is kind of gay. Yes. Move on. I want to go alone to a bar. Some watch him drinking the beer. And I start getting text messages. She starts sending me pictures, her in the room. Like, really? The hole is out. Like, sexy pictures. Sexy.

[Kevin Ryan]

I picked up on that. And she's like, you said the hole is out first.

[Ari Matti]

And she's like, how about you finish your gay little sport and you come over to my room on the 15th floor and the. Out of me, you know, I didn't go. I was scared. But I've never had that happen.

[Kevin Ryan]

No way.

[Ari Matti]

That's New York.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's not the New York I live in.

[Ari Matti]

So next day, I wake up, the narrator, Shafir, gets me a spot at the audition at the Cellar.

[Dave Trolley]

I've never asked.

[Ari Matti]

I'm always scared. I'm always scared to ask. I get that. I do. Joey Diaz's podcast, which is. I'm doing your guys podcast.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's go.

[Ari Matti]

This is like, a good trip. This is like a good trip. Puerto Rican girls. There was the Puerto Rican day on Sunday. I walk around, they can't call me. They call me vanilla. And I felt offended, like. Like, they're scary, too.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Big and attitude.

[Dave Trolley]

You didn't go and hook up with the chick on the 15th floor?

[Ari Matti]

I was scared. Yeah, but it was hot.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was hot. Always gonna go check out the hotel real quick. What hotel?

[Dave Trolley]

Citizen M. I'm here for the fight after the.

[Ari Matti]

You know, after the, like, after ufc. And, you know, it's like, I'm like a guy that if I need to do something like that, it needs to happen.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, the.

[Ari Matti]

The ball needs to get rolling.

[Kevin Ryan]

If I. I'm not like, a 0 to 100 kind of guy.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah. Hold on. What do you mean the ball needs to get rolling?

[Ari Matti]

Like, like on the elevator. And then. But then when we step away and I start thinking, I'm scared now a little. You're out.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're going in, like, cold kind of. You're, like, going from, like, oh, we're just going to go and do this. She would have been like, come get a drink. We'll hang out.

[Ari Matti]

She wanted to get a drink too, but I don't want to really? Like, I want to watch the fights. I mean, holy Justin G. Is reading the Declaration. She's not. He's not reading, but he's looking at the Declaration of Independence and then walking out the fight. A Spanish guy.

[Dave Trolley]

If she said, hey, come on back to my room now, you would have went, though.

[Ari Matti]

No, she kept texting me all night. Of course.

[Dave Trolley]

No, but I mean, right there in the moment on the elevator.

[Kevin Ryan]

No. No.

[Ari Matti]

Then definitely not.

[Dave Trolley]

Really? Why?

[Ari Matti]

Scary. You gotta be.

[Kevin Ryan]

You gotta hit over the head with a sack of nickels when you get in there. Watch.

[Ari Matti]

I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Matti]

I don't know.

[Dave Trolley]

So you would. You would. You're.

[Ari Matti]

But the fact. The fact that you gave me, like. Like verification or, like, hit on me, that's sometimes enough. I went to the hotel and jacked off alone thinking of her.

[Dave Trolley]

That's a pretty good philosophy.

[Ari Matti]

You know, sometimes that's even better. Just the fact that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Because usually you talk to girls. I gotta. I mean, like, for four hours, I gotta. Please. I'm a nice guy. I'm actually a sweet guy. I'm scared. I'm scared. Please, please, please, please. But I've never had someone reverse that on me where I'm kind of like a. Whoa.

[Kevin Ryan]

Put you on your heels a little bit.

[Ari Matti]

And she liked it, too. She was like, oh, you're scared. And she likes. Like, stepped up to me in the elevator. Like, steps right up to me, like, huh? Because she knows what she got.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I was like, big Stewie face. Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Those are the best chicks. All of my. Well, not all of my ex. Girl, actually. Yeah, the two last ones did it. And also, they weren't the best dick suckers, so there's a path. But they got a big laugh. There was laugh chicks. Lot of teeth. You need to see a lot of teeth, too. It's a big mouth. It, like, creates a lot of reverberation. And those are fun.

[Kevin Ryan]

You've thought about a lot of things I've never thought about.

[Ari Matti]

Some girls have a little, like, a mouse mouth and, you know, it's like. It's gonna be like. You hear girls that. You can't even hear what they're saying. I hate to be a girl like that in a restaurant in New York. We get the shit table in the middle. I can't even hear you. Any little bits that I can hear from the bathroom.

[Kevin Ryan]

Somebody that's ruining other.

[Ari Matti]

Ari, what do you want? I need that. What if I fall down? And the stairs. And we need Help. Dude, I need a big bitch. Creates an echo throughout the cave we're in.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll not say. You're at that dinner, right? Is there any dinner you're out with a lady where you're not picking up the check, or you're always picking up the check?

[Ari Matti]

I used to not pick up the check due to financial reasons, of course.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm saying now to your new budding career. Obviously, you'll pick up the check.

[Ari Matti]

I'll pick up the check. Because you. Because that's, like, what you do. And it feels good. That feels good. And also, girls are pretty. Even a pretty girl, that's a cunt and you don't want to fuck. Give her the dinner. Just feed her. They deserve it. They're out there fucking in an alley, getting approached and seeing cock. And it's scary being a girl. Sure, it's scary being a girl. You got to get the baby. You got to do a lot of stuff as a girl. And you got to be pretty. If you're not pretty, I don't even look at you. It's a rough life as a girl. I'll buy you dinner

[Dave Trolley]

if she's pretty. But she's. She's not nice. That. That's a turn off.

[Ari Matti]

I. I hate that it kills you or.

[Dave Trolley]

Kills it. You kill.

[Ari Matti]

Even a thank you. All of the girls that I've ever dated in my life have always been sweet in the sense that if we go on holiday and I'm picking up stuff or something, they've always. And it's not that I need it. This is. It's not that I need it, but it's just a nice. Oh, a little thank you. I don't need you to be.

[Kevin Ryan]

Just. Just recognize that it.

[Ari Matti]

And then, you know, the things I do to you later at the hotel. Now I say thank you because I'm also doing some things that shouldn't be done. You're so beautiful. I'm a. Like, I look like ass. I mean, like a pig. I mean, you know, I'm not like a. I'm not a lady. Ladies are so much more beautiful.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Very true.

[Kevin Ryan]

I like them a lot.

[Ari Matti]

I know.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Have you ever. What do you guys prefer? Like, pretty girl or. Let's say you're out on a night and you're having fun, you're coming back to the game, and you're doing well in comedy, and you're hitting on a group of chicks. One is really pretty.

[Dave Trolley]

A group of chicks?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, you don't know me.

[Ari Matti]

No, no, no, no, no, no. You're not.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll stop you right there.

[Dave Trolley]

There.

[Ari Matti]

You're looking. Who wants to? Me. You're like, scouting. You're scouting.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Ari Matti]

And there's a pretty, pretty girl that you, up front, start noticing because she's the hottest one. But she's such. Even the voice.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Now that I'm out.

[Ari Matti]

But then there's a chubby one in the back, and she's got an incred. At first, you're like, wow, you're ugly.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know, Cheating wings or something. Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

She's got the mustache. Illuminating. No. But she starts laughing. She adds a little tag. She starts a little bit of blue

[Dave Trolley]

cheese in the corner.

[Ari Matti]

I know.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

She's burping and she smells, and she starts smelling better and better because the pheromones are liking her as a person.

[Dave Trolley]

Sure.

[Ari Matti]

You go for that girl.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. I mean, honestly, it's whatever floats my boat, you know, if I'm feeling it for sure. Like if Whatever the physical. Whatever the physical attraction is.

[Ari Matti]

I've banged girls so, so ugly, but there are such fun people to be around that are. And then you bang, and you keep looking up. You're like, don't look down. Just hear the riffs. And then you're like, dude, I was banging this one broad maybe like, this is like three and three or four years ago. And I brought. I don't mean that disrespectful. That sounds. She's an angel, but she was late 40s, but an angel. And she's so ugly that it's like. Like when I'm kissing her, I can smell her already because it's like. It's bad. But she was such a great hang.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm gonna throw up.

[Ari Matti]

And then I'm begging her, keep looking up. She kept saying, I can't believe this is happening. I'm like, me neither.

[Kevin Ryan]

Don't tell nobody.

[Ari Matti]

And then. Yeah, you close. And then. See, I think that was a citizen M2 where I met her. And then the blinds are incredible on the iPad, and it's a full blackout. You need a full blackout for this one. But then in the morning when this.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wow.

[Ari Matti]

And you see her in the morning, you're like, wow, what did I do?

[Kevin Ryan]

But.

[Ari Matti]

But the. But the attitude is what gets me.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

The way you make all that gives

[Ari Matti]

me anxiety, the way you make me feel is what matters. If I'm scared of you and you're, like, intimidating and you're trying to do this alpha chick, like, come on and get me, you know, like, ooh, I don't like that.

[Dave Trolley]

You don't feel that.

[Ari Matti]

I like a chick that pushes me around and tells me, you know, I'm gonna suck your asshole.

[Kevin Ryan]

Chick is like a deuce. And you know what I mean?

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. And they have attitude and they're fun, and you feel relaxed.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

And you don't feel.

[Kevin Ryan]

But that makes you. Yeah. And that's what makes you feel good. And then it's not necessarily based on the. The. The appearance. It's. I feel good.

[Ari Matti]

And then you feel like a prize.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

What's wrong with that?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's great. That's a perfect.

[Dave Trolley]

You feel pretty.

[Ari Matti]

I've always been with.

[Dave Trolley]

I've.

[Ari Matti]

I'm always the guy. Like, please. Yeah, you're a dumb whore who got genetically lucky, but can I please get a piece of the puss? But like a Stewie head, I'm with it.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's what. That's how you. That's. That's what gets your mojo going.

[Ari Matti]

I know, it's crazy. So sometimes you see, like, a guy, a hot guy with an ugly girl, and you're like, I know exactly what's happening. She's an amazing person.

[Dave Trolley]

He's the funniest person I've ever.

[Ari Matti]

Because if you see a hot chick with an ugly guy, it's money.

[Kevin Ryan]

You see, that's what I. Yeah, I mean, I kind of got that going on, but I. She was with me before the money. I'm out. I've. She's hot. I'm above. Not fighting. Above my weight.

[Ari Matti]

Germans are like German shepherds too. They're loyal German wives and German shepherds. They're super loyal. That's a good. And they're practical. They don't make emotional mistakes. You date a Latina girl, she might be in Spain with the girlfriends. And there's Drake at the venue. What's the fuck? Sounds like a personal thing. And you're screwed. You're screwed. A German girl will look at Drake and be like, ah, you know, in the longer. Like, if I calculate the money, he's gonna make me get the jet to Toronto, bang me out, and then that's done. But this guy here, the next five years, it's looking pretty good. She'll break it down.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Ari Matti]

But once you start money, you're gonna be in trouble.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. I mean, yeah, there's. There was a long time in the relationship she made. She had them. I was. I was like a proper loser.

[Ari Matti]

Oh. Oh.

[Dave Trolley]

She was paying for everything.

[Kevin Ryan]

She was paying for everything.

[Ari Matti]

Me too. Oh, my gosh.

[Dave Trolley]

She's a real loser. Ari. Not cool guys like you and me.

[Kevin Ryan]

She invested in the. She lent us the money to start the first studio.

[Dave Trolley]

Seed money.

[Ari Matti]

Is it really?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Dave Trolley]

And jihad.

[Ari Matti]

That's like, hot when your wife's like, go do your little thing.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was very embarrassing, dude. It was very embarrassing.

[Dave Trolley]

Your little fat friend guy do your podcast.

[Ari Matti]

Oh, your friends.

[Kevin Ryan]

I ran back to him. I'm like, I got it. We burnt. We blew through it immediately.

[Ari Matti]

You're like, honey, we had Joey Diaz on. Ah, yeah, we had Joey Dan videos on.

[Kevin Ryan]

Where's. Where's the rest of my money? Yeah, we paid her back in full, obviously, once we.

[Dave Trolley]

Took me a minute, but whatever.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a payment plan, you know.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Straightened out and you're, like, dating now. No, no, not yet.

[Dave Trolley]

Not yet.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, Just to be respectful,

[Kevin Ryan]

he's at the Drake concert. Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

I mean, you don't want to go to East Village tonight where there's a lot of hook on that one corner near the stand. I mean, you don't want to do that.

[Dave Trolley]

Are there.

[Ari Matti]

That would be disrespectful in the middle of a divorce. Who would want, like, an angel for, like, no conversation and all Money.

[Kevin Ryan]

You need to borrow a couple bucks.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. You do a live podcast and you hang around near the door where the chicks walk out. Who'd want that? That's like disrespectful to the follow through. You don't want to do that.

[Dave Trolley]

Go do things right. Yeah, of course.

[Ari Matti]

You want to show your Patreon number. The open micro girls. You want to get ahead in the business. Show your Patreon numbers to do an open mic. You want to show your Patreon money to an open micr that's looking for a leg up. I can get you on. I can get you on. You don't want to do that. That's disrespectful.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, I got. I got one question, then we gotta wrap it up.

[Ari Matti]

Speaking of, I've interrupted all of your stuff. I'm so sorry.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, it's perfect. This is the show. Yeah.

[Dave Trolley]

This is the funniest hour I've had in, like, four years.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you carry a Venmo balance? Is there cash in your Venmo right now?

[Dave Trolley]

Do you have Venmo?

[Ari Matti]

My. My. My ex girlfriend set it up for me. I need to go through the website.

[Kevin Ryan]

You have to go to the website. You're going to venmo.com and logging in.

[Ari Matti]

Oh, no, actually, I do have app, but let's see, let's see, let's see. Venmo. Mm. Let's see. This is a good question. Guys need to pay me u. S. Balance, zero.

[Kevin Ryan]

So you don't.

[Dave Trolley]

European balance.

[Ari Matti]

Crypto. What the.

[Dave Trolley]

You got crypto?

[Ari Matti]

No crypto. Balance is zero, too.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

This is bad, huh?

[Kevin Ryan]

You jammed up, kid.

[Ari Matti]

Dude, I went to the chase bag to drop some checks off yesterday. The lady goes, what are you doing? Because I just have money and the checking. I have random things. I don't even know the card doesn't work.

[Dave Trolley]

I'm bad with checks, man. They usually avoid it.

[Ari Matti]

I know. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

That is a. That is a new. When you get. You can go and sit down at the desk anytime I ever had to sit down at the desk in the bank. It was bad. It was not bad. Yeah, it was like, we got to talk about this. We're closing your account. Whatever. Whatever. You're overdrafted. You're not carrying a balance.

[Dave Trolley]

They just usually want a conversation.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now it's more of like, do you know how we can help you, Mr. Ryan?

[Dave Trolley]

Really?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Oh, well, I got a Mickey mouse card. They don't ask.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's a scumbag.

[Ari Matti]

I got a Mickey Mouse card.

[Kevin Ryan]

Debit card, dude.

[Ari Matti]

I didn't know I signed up for the child's program, so my limit is, like, 500 bucks deposit. I can't even put more.

[Kevin Ryan]

You can't put more than that?

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, because it's a child's, like, thing. I didn't know in c. They just let me. I saw Mickey mouse when I was registering. As soon as I see Mickey mouse, I'm in.

[Kevin Ryan]

Maybe you are a child. I don't know. Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Matti]

So I'm like, mickey, Mickey, Mickey. And I. When. When I called the line like some. There's a problem. When I call the line, It's a Mickey Mouse theme song because they know

[Kevin Ryan]

to speak to your parents.

[Ari Matti]

It's a Mickey mouse visa. It is. Yeah. It's a Mickey mouse visa. And then when they find out that what I want to do with the money, they're always like, wait, what?

[Dave Trolley]

They talk to your parents, and then

[Ari Matti]

they go like, you want the credit card or the sapphire? You want that? You know, I say, I'll be there tomorrow. Sure, sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Start it up for me.

[Dave Trolley]

One of the funniest. Ladies and gentlemen.

[Kevin Ryan]

Appreciate you coming.

[Dave Trolley]

What do you got coming up? Oh, hit him with the dates.

[Ari Matti]

It's Ari Matti dot com. A R I M A T T I dot com. I'm doing some. A few theaters in August.

[Dave Trolley]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, we're trying. Things are looking. Yo, I see blue dots in my dreams. You ever see, like, the empty seats?

[Dave Trolley]

The blue dot fever?

[Kevin Ryan]

The blue dot fever. Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Blue dot Monday. Let me tell you, it's been on my mental health. It's been rough.

[Dave Trolley]

Never check the number.

[Ari Matti]

It's about to be over for all of us, isn't it? I can feel it coming. Don't you feel it coming? There's, like, so many new kids. Cam is with Eddie Murphy. Cam Patterson is on Eddie Murphy now. He's the new Eddie Murphy. Ba ba ba ba ba. This guy. This guy. He's crowd worker Jeff Farcuri. He's selling out the next thing. Madison Square Garden. Every night is mad rife. Every arena is my rife. I think we're done, guys. I think we're doing, like, a dying thing.

[Dave Trolley]

And there's Ari matty with a $500

[Ari Matti]

Disney Mickey Mouse card.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I'm at the Mickey Mouse doctor. Grins.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave Trolley]

What do you got coming up?

[Kevin Ryan]

He just said he plugged away.

[Dave Trolley]

That was it.

[Ari Matti]

I don't know, like, the numbers, but I know it's in Dallas's one.

[Dave Trolley]

Okay.

[Ari Matti]

It's one is near Detroit.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay?

[Ari Matti]

That's where I'm at in my career. I'm not in Detroit.

[Dave Trolley]

I'm near Pontiac, Michigan. That sound right?

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[Ari Matti]

So come check me out.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, check them out.

[Ari Matti]

I love you guys.

[Dave Trolley]

Can't be. What do you got for him?

[Kevin Ryan]

Guys, we only have Denver Comedy works. Those tickets are almost sold out or about to be sold out. So get them and they'll definitely gonna sell it. So get them while they last.

[Ari Matti]

Comedy Works. One of the best.

[Kevin Ryan]

The best.

[Dave Trolley]

I got a headache. I was laughing so hard. That was fucking funny, guys. We love you so much, Ari. We love you, buddy.

[Ari Matti]

I'm happy about your divorce. Let's go.

[Dave Trolley]

We'll see you next week.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, yeah. Let's not meet open micrs.