ARI SHAFFIR Retires!

Summary

"Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast" – Episode: "ARI SHAFFIR Retires!" Summary

Release Date: July 21, 2025

In this special and emotionally charged episode of "Are You Garbage?" hosts Kevin Ryan and Aiden Stage Foley celebrate and bid farewell to the esteemed comedian Ari Shaffir as he announces his retirement from the show. The episode masterfully blends humor with heartfelt moments, encapsulating the essence of the enduring friendships within the comedy community.

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1. Introduction and Announcement (00:00 – 02:30)

The episode opens with Kevin Ryan raising a toast, setting a celebratory tone for what’s to come. Aiden Stage Foley enthusiastically introduces the show, highlighting its unique premise of evaluating comedians' "garbage" status. The anticipation builds as the hosts welcome Ari Shaffir, who swiftly confirms his retirement.

Notable Quotes:

• Aiden Stage Foley (00:14): "Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash."
• Ari Shaffir (01:58): "Yeah, retiring."

2. Ari’s Retirement and Future Plans (02:30 – 06:00)

Ari shares his plans to embark on a sabbatical, expressing his desire to travel the world and explore new horizons. The hosts playfully speculate about his destinations, including humorous mentions of London and Damascus, and joke about the possibility of him opening a Syrian comedy club.

Notable Quotes:

• Ari Shaffir (02:53): "Yeah. Then I go to London."
• Aiden Stage Foley (03:13): "You’re gonna be traveling around. You’re gonna do your thing and you’re coming back."

3. Farewell Gifts and Humorous Exchanges (06:00 – 12:30)

As part of the farewell, Kevin and Aiden present Ari with a Citizen watch. The exchange is filled with comedic banter about the watch’s engraving and price, showcasing the hosts' knack for turning even heartfelt moments into laughter-filled interactions.

Notable Quotes:

• Kevin Ryan (09:00): "At this point, you're currently somewhere in the world."
• Aiden Stage Foley (09:02): "They had one in Union Square. Yeah, it was out right now. They had one in Union Square."

4. Heartfelt Messages and Tributes (12:30 – 16:00)

Mario Cantone joins the conversation to deliver a heartfelt message to Ari, offering words of encouragement and support despite the comedic undertones. This segment underscores the genuine bonds shared among the comedians.

Notable Quotes:

• Mario Cantone (12:40): "Listen, Ari, it's Mario Cantone. I know that you were laid off, but this happens. First of all. Secondly, you're gonna be fine because everyone goes through this rough time."

5. Final Goodbyes and Emotional Toasts (16:00 – 25:00)

The hosts and Ari engage in a series of final goodbyes, culminating in a heartfelt toast about friendship. Kevin delivers a self-written toast that blends sincerity with humor, reflecting on the meaningful connections forged through the podcast.

Notable Quotes:

• Kevin Ryan (33:00): "There are good ships. Let me take this from the top. There are good chips. There are wood ships. There's ships that sail at sea. But the best ships are friendships. And may they always be."

6. Closing Remarks and Farewell (25:00 – 32:00)

As the episode draws to a close, Ari expresses his gratitude and affection for the hosts, while Kevin and Aiden assure him that his legacy will continue. The final moments are a blend of laughter, shared memories, and genuine sentiment, leaving listeners both amused and touched.

Notable Quotes:

• Ari Shaffir (31:05): "Sorry you got fired."
• Kevin Ryan (32:56): "I wrote it myself."

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Conclusion

This episode of "Are You Garbage?" stands out as a poignant yet comedic farewell to Ari Shaffir. Through a seamless blend of humor, heartfelt tributes, and genuine camaraderie, Kevin Ryan and Aiden Stage Foley honor Ari's contributions to the show and the broader comedy landscape. Listeners are left with a warm sense of closure, celebrating the end of an era while cherishing the memories created over Ari's multiple appearances.

Final Notable Quote:

• Aiden Stage Foley (62:08): "Peace."

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This detailed summary captures the key moments, discussions, and emotional beats of the episode, woven together with notable quotes and timestamps to provide a comprehensive overview for those who haven't yet listened.

Transcript

[Kevin Ryan]

Wait, hold on. Before you sip, I have a toast. There are good ships. Let me take this from the top.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are you Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and Aiden Stage Foley. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Ru Gurbage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, Yee.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that after Groot to be classy. Yeah, they're just a big old piece of trash.

[Ari Shafir]

Trash, trash, trash.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I'm your host, Stage Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Toady's in the new edition. She's out in the living room watching.

[Kevin Ryan]

A little qvc, okay.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

With a side of dmt.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

So who knows what's gonna be showing up at the house? My new co host is coming at you from right next to me. Hobo Jones, everybody.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's my boy, Cracker Jack.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

How often do you see Starsky and Hutch?

[Ari Shafir]

When you're selling slaves, you gotta look for two things.

[Kevin Ryan]

Fucking honey bear over here.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Mike Hoes is coming at you from across the table. He is the CEO of Ru Garbage. He is an international businessman. He's my best pal in the whole wide world and I love him. Give it up for kj Kevin James Ryan, everybody.

[Kevin Ryan]

What up? Everybody shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in as always. Please make sure you rate View subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. I got climbing the charts over there, baby. And then the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. all you garbage, you get over there, you get 2 billion hours of bonus content.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yes, sir. And we're trying to keep up good faces here, but we got a very special guest here. His final, final, final performance here on Are you Garbage?

[Kevin Ryan]

You're retiring, I hear.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, retiring.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's right.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

The Ari Shaffer Fell farewell tour.

[Ari Shafir]

Farewell tours come to an end and I had to drop into the garbage. Goodbye one last time at Favorite pod.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

He's heading off to the. What's it called? The Seed Locker in Antarctica. They're putting you up there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Looks like you've already been there a.

[Ari Shafir]

Couple years to get rid of the Jews. Like we thawed one out. It's not.

[Kevin Ryan]

And he's really Jewish.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Mr. Ari Shafir, everybody. The legend. Look at.

[Ari Shafir]

Thank you, boys.

[Kevin Ryan]

At this point, you're currently somewhere in the world.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yes.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I'LL be out. I'm gone, enjoying the world.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Where in the world is Carmen Epstein, huh?

[Ari Shafir]

What? If I could just go straight to Epstein Island. Just stay there. What'd you see? I'm like all sorts of stuff. I don't want to talk about it.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You're gonna be traveling around. You're gonna do your thing and you're coming back.

[Ari Shafir]

Sabbatical. She's gonna travel around and see the world, Eat some mandarin.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

And you're starting your new life.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Then I go to London.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Damascus.

[Ari Shafir]

London. Damascus. Yeah.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Open up Syrian comedy club.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah, what a great one that would be, citizen. There's a lot of do here tonight.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Almost all Syrian comedy club head will roll.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, you guys gotta go visit me in London.

[Kevin Ryan]

You guys got real topical real quick.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Nobody's coming to London.

[Ari Shafir]

What do you mean? It's right there.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Nah, you are.

[Kevin Ryan]

You have been inviting a lot of people to a place you're not currently at.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, that's true. That is true.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's like. When I get my new house, it's gonna be.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm sure I'll probably have a spare bedroom for the first time in my life. You're welcome to come stay in it also.

[Kevin Ryan]

You think I'm gonna fly across the Atlantic Ocean to live with you? You're fucking nuts.

[Ari Shafir]

Come have a Coors light. Like, I'm gonna. Let's just do it on zoom, beans.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

And mash or whatever you got over there.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm not the guy.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You're gonna be in some tenement in Liverpool. That'd be great. All jammed up. You look like you should be chasing Robin Williams around the house.

[Kevin Ryan]

You with an old school Billy Clee. You look like a cop from the fucking 1950s, dude.

[Ari Shafir]

I love this so much, it's insane.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't. I. I mean, you are constantly the guy who works.

[Ari Shafir]

There's a bodega, they sell cigarettes right near the cellar, just up towards.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know. Yeah, they're great. They are so nice.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Good guys. Good guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

You open it, they take. If you open, you go, hey, you got a trash can? He goes out there, just. Yeah, I got it.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, Most people, like, get out of my store.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, you know, they're so nice.

[Ari Shafir]

When I had the half and half cut, he was like, can I take a picture and send this back to Punjab?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

He's a big Kill Tony fan, that guy.

[Ari Shafir]

Is he huge?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Kill Tony.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that Tony's got reach.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I was in there watching on a black and white tv also.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's nuts. He didn't Recognize Ari with a half a beard? Yeah, he recognized Tony. What the hell's wrong with your face?

[Ari Shafir]

And then I got this. He goes, I love it. It's obviously not as good as a half and half, but the half and.

[Kevin Ryan]

A half was for the AYG show.

[Ari Shafir]

That's right, it was. And then I just kept it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, we recorded in here. You had normal face. The next day you showed up like that.

[Ari Shafir]

That's right. That's right. I was at Sam's birthday party.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

In your spirit Halloween suit, whatever the you were wearing.

[Ari Shafir]

Norman was like, what's that for? I'm like, ari, garbage. I'm doing that. I didn't shave my head. I'm like, yeah, but you have jokes.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got material. Yeah, finesse. This guy's working. Since it is your retirement.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay, what do you got?

[Kevin Ryan]

Is it not your retirement?

[Ari Shafir]

It's I'm retired.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're never going to step foot on stage again.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm done.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's what I've heard.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Are you ever going to come back to New York?

[Ari Shafir]

This city can suck it. I'm going to burn it down on my way out. I'm going to light a match, walk away. Let the explosion happen behind me as they just very coolly walk away.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Are there any Jewish people in London? What are you going to do for. For, like, you know, soups and delicacies and all that kind of stuff.

[Kevin Ryan]

See if we can find a good Jewish restaurant or a good Jewish deli.

[Ari Shafir]

You think Jews got here after they got to the uk?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I think Jews got here before.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, they started in the uk.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I figured they would have went around.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. And then got there later. No, there's plenty of Jews there. There's plenty of matzo ball soup, bagel scene.

[Kevin Ryan]

Not great. Are they like Panzers? That's not. That's the name. After the tank. That's no good, dude. That's a. Dude, that's a setup.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

We're mowing down the prices.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yikes. Ari, I love. Don't go to Panzer.

[Ari Shafir]

It's a trap.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Welcome to Himmler's. What can I get you?

[Kevin Ryan]

The Blitzkrieg Cafe. That seems. That seems a little.

[Ari Shafir]

Can I sit in the shower room, please?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I'm gonna try the Final Solution if that's cool. Jesus, Too much?

[Kevin Ryan]

I got a hummus bar.

[Ari Shafir]

That's not bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's like a glue trap for you guys.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Do you guys remember. Do you remember that place, Mao's, that used to be in the city?

[Ari Shafir]

You know I'm talking about this city. Yeah. There Was a Mao's in Venice. That was like my favorite Chinese.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

No, no, no, no. It's not Chinese. It's. It's a falaf. I think it's Belgium. You know, I'm talking about. It was in like orange. There was like the sign.

[Ari Shafir]

Where was it in the city?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

It was over by nyu, leading up to Broadway, where that big fire was. You know where the McDonald's is on Broadway, down to downtown, like in. In where NYU is.

[Ari Shafir]

I love how your landmarks are of McDonald's.

[Kevin Ryan]

Right next to the Burger King.

[Ari Shafir]

You know, the McDonald's is across from this Taco Bell.

[Kevin Ryan]

Three paces. Three paces from the Wendy's.

[Ari Shafir]

Is that anybody? Empire State Building. The what?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

That's what I'm talking about. That's a very.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

It's exactly the way I say.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, you said. You said Maos. Mao.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I didn't say Mao's. Like, it was Vietnamese. Like Mao.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. M, A, O, Z. Yeah, it was out right now. They had one in Union Square.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah, maybe that's something. They probably have that over there in London.

[Ari Shafir]

They probably do. Three and a half stars. Come on, guys. Get behind Mao's.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Those place are great. Actually pretty good. Closed down. Anyway, we digress since you are retiring.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Giving up? Some would say yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Quitting to leave. Let go. Sure. Downsized.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah. What are you actually running from the law? Somebody off Barber.

[Ari Shafir]

A lot of drugs. I overdosed some homeless people yesterday, gave me some unknown drugs and one of them started convulsing. And I was like, you did show.

[Kevin Ryan]

Up with a bag of drugs that. I mean, like, I. Listen, I've seen a lot of drugs before. That was.

[Ari Shafir]

It's so fun to be in Santa Claus with drugs.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

No blow, though. Did you already give the blow away? You didn't have that in stock?

[Ari Shafir]

I don't take that usually.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Don't stay on the shelves.

[Ari Shafir]

I do it if I'm in the mood. And the guy seems trustworthy. I'm not taking that back with me. I don't need that pressure.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

But you're not taking that back to the house with you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Coke doesn't sit in a lot of people's houses.

[Ari Shafir]

There's no such thing as leftover coke.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Sure, supply and demand, baby.

[Ari Shafir]

But yeah, all the mushrooms.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Crazy. And that's quick.

[Ari Shafir]

2C.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

That's crazy.

[Ari Shafir]

That one is crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Guy was just pedaling bath salts in the lobby.

[Ari Shafir]

You see people line up with different drugs, too. You tell what they're into. It's like, oh, okay, Edibles. Oh, weird. Oh, ketamine.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Be funny if we leave. We find that he dosed out. Everybody.

[Ari Shafir]

Today's episode did not get recorded. Brought to you by 2 CB. Power of acid.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Tootie's out there all fucked up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Luke's just knocked the fuck out.

[Ari Shafir]

Tootie's just foaming.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, we did get you a little present.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Ari, listen, we want to say this. We love you, we appreciate you.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're retiring.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

What? You're retiring. Everything you've done for all the times you've been on the show.

[Ari Shafir]

My citizenship.

[Kevin Ryan]

We're revoking it.

[Ari Shafir]

I'd like to. Can I give up my citizenship, let a Mexican in?

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm not using this.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Do a little trade off.

[Ari Shafir]

You got me a retirement, I assume a watch?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yep.

[Ari Shafir]

What? It's not a joke.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's a real retirement watch.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm not expecting a fucking snake popping.

[Kevin Ryan]

Out a bunch of twosie flights.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, my God. I've never got a classy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Left the price tag on.

[Ari Shafir]

That's three digits, bro.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah, that's a Citizen 3.

[Kevin Ryan]

So it's engraved, no?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah. Got it engraved for you.

[Ari Shafir]

It's a citizen. You didn't get that engraved?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yes, we did.

[Kevin Ryan]

Who gets the bottom of the clasp engraved?

[Ari Shafir]

Citizen Engraved. That's crazy. Does everyone know to Martin Anniversary?

[Kevin Ryan]

It was a used watch we got in Chinatown. It's new to you.

[Ari Shafir]

To Mart on our anniversary. That's great.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's all the time we have for today, folks.

[Ari Shafir]

And this nice little pillow, guys. That's hilarious. Oh my God.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Try it on.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I will. Let's see.

[Kevin Ryan]

How much was it?

[Ari Shafir]

Let them know it's 425.

[Kevin Ryan]

Was it Diesel said 60 bucks.

[Ari Shafir]

I told you $125. What?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's not any engraving.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You deserve it.

[Ari Shafir]

That's not engraving.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Engraving was 70 more. Plus we greased them 100 to get the same day sir service. You'll get the invoice.

[Kevin Ryan]

We have a few more things.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

This.

[Kevin Ryan]

This turned into a very expensive episode.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know how you. Oh, there it is. Hey, I'm gonna watch this. Expensive and nice. Oh, this is gonna get me robbed in Thailand for sure. It's gonna be like. Let me show you down this alley real quick.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

What are you doing?

[Ari Shafir]

It's on this thing. I don't know. I'll try it on. Break it. Whoa, guys. This is wild, man.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You have some skinny ass wrists. Jesus.

[Kevin Ryan]

You better get the pants.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Get some bagels in here.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Hey, I want a little creatine.

[Ari Shafir]

Dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

Gotta get some links taken out.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

That's Insane.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's kind of normal. That's probably. You're right. I mean, come on. You're no one to judge here.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I tried it on already.

[Ari Shafir]

It's so nice with a snap. Guys, that's crazy.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yes, it is a nice watch.

[Ari Shafir]

You're like, maybe a couple pounds less than me. That's it.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I did.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's crazy. That's a.

[Ari Shafir]

That is a. I'm your height too. I'm tall.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You're taller than me.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm taller than you. Wow. How about.

[Kevin Ryan]

Loses it on you, but the same as you. Regular guy wrist here.

[Ari Shafir]

Regular guy wrist.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Oh, I'm sorry. My power wrists intimidate you.

[Kevin Ryan]

This guy's a man. My power. That's the fattest guy denial ever. Powerful. My.

[Ari Shafir]

My power wrist is such a great term.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Anyway, we're gonna miss you. Get the links taken out. Don't wear it in fucking, you know, downtown Saigon or wherever.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm. Save this for a nice occasion when I'm really going out.

[Kevin Ryan]

We all. Yeah, no, I figured.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

What nice occasions are you gonna have? Your fucking Dharma bumming it when the.

[Ari Shafir]

New shipment of dog comes in? The new shipment of dog comes in for the barbecues. You're gonna be first in line. Somebody. I'm somebody.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You know, what if you get jammed up somewhere? That'll probably get you out of a pinch.

[Kevin Ryan]

Keep that in your.

[Ari Shafir]

Take it for a year in my asshole, then come back and I didn't end up needing it, so I gotta.

[Kevin Ryan]

Give it back to us.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

And also.

[Ari Shafir]

And also we.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

We reached out to, you know, your friends, a lot of your friends, to see if they would do, you know, a farewell video since you're taking off. Nobody got back to us.

[Kevin Ryan]

And one. One of your close friends did. We got one of your close friends. Yeah. I mean, you've. I think you've known him for a very long time. Mario Cantone.

[Mario Cantone]

Ari. It's Mario Cantone. Listen, I know that, you know, you were laid off, but this happens, first of all. Secondly, you're gonna be fine because everyone goes through this rough. And you will bounce back, I promise you. I know you bummed out. Look, I didn't work for years, then all of a sudden, and just like that, I'm back because. And then when that happens, I'll probably be, you know, doing nothing. So this is life, unfortunately. Just, you know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Can we pause it for a second?

[Ari Shafir]

Seems down.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

He's doing great.

[Kevin Ryan]

There's another minute and ten seconds left.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, he is really dour. I think he needs some good Wishes?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

What are you talking about? We told. We told him that you were striking out, that you were washed up and it was over.

[Ari Shafir]

That's so great. That's so great.

[Kevin Ryan]

Cost me four more than a watch.

[Ari Shafir]

What? Really?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Hey, less than a Mario K Tone.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got. I put the off.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Say, one of your drinking buddies.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sam Town or Mark Norman. This is. This guy's Hollywood royalty. Not one of those bozos you'd hang out with. Let's hear a little more from Army.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Go away.

[Ari Shafir]

Do something.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do something.

[Mario Cantone]

Go see a Broadway show. Come to New York, Start spreading the news.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're leaving today.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You know, could you stop at his place before you came in?

[Ari Shafir]

Cameo is one of the saddest things I've ever seen in my life.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is a cameo?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Oh, it's a sincerity.

[Ari Shafir]

What do you mean?

[Kevin Ryan]

He loves you.

[Mario Cantone]

I'm here though.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

All right.

[Mario Cantone]

Ari.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Ari, you tried to get Bobcat, but he was out of. He was out of the country.

[Ari Shafir]

Straight.

[Kevin Ryan]

In real life, we also. I'm out to someone very big. Very big. It's a very big get. We'll change the trajectory.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

60 year career, man.

[Ari Shafir]

What?

[Kevin Ryan]

So we'll see if in the next 40 minutes or so I get an email.

[Ari Shafir]

James Biden.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Who's James Biden?

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know. The guy wasn't in charge.

[Kevin Ryan]

James Biden.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know how to follow this stuff.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, lay off the ketamine.

[Ari Shafir]

I just realized nothing will make political people matter if you just say somebody's first name. Completely wrong. Yeah, Bob Clinton was. I mean, he put the banks in a.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

What's gonna happen when you get over there and fucking. There's no drugs. You're just fucking detoxing, sweating it out.

[Ari Shafir]

Well, let me tell you about the world, buddy. There's drugs.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You think if he's in some fucking.

[Ari Shafir]

You don't think I'm gonna find the.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's in some mud hut. Somebody's not gonna give him some, like, a tree frog or something. This guy's gonna be zooted in a couple of hours.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I know what you want all fucked up on branches.

[Ari Shafir]

Lick this frog and shut up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Would you do that if you were, like, really trying to get fucked up?

[Ari Shafir]

If everyone's doing it, who's everyone? I'm not. If somebody brings out a frog.

[Kevin Ryan]

Being the medicine woman, like, no way.

[Ari Shafir]

But if it's like, you pass it. You pass it. And like, once I'm like, yeah, how do you do it?

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Are you gonna make friends over there?

[Ari Shafir]

I'll try. I'll Try other travelers.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You start doing some weird version of protect our parks over there.

[Ari Shafir]

Protect our forests, Protect our amazons. Yeah.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

He'S got his own squad over there.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, my own squad full of people with, like, grass skirts. The version of shame, the version of Mark. Someone's like, good one. Always with the quick ones. Always with the quick ones. Tuk tuk, tuk tuk.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Welcome back to Ari and Tuk tuk. Brought to you by Mowz.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's doing the fucking Simple Jack.

[Ari Shafir]

This is crazy gift, huh?

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, nobody got your gift like that, huh?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You came in here handing out drugs. Everybody. Nobody, no, no, nobody knows something's coming back.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, you know, you put it out there, it comes back.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You've given us a lot, and we love you and we appreciate you.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's just a prop, by the way. That's gotta be the studio's expensive citizen.

[Ari Shafir]

That's a real brand.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

That's a nice watch.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Gang, this is an ad by BetterHelp. As you know, Uncle Hank has started a mental health journey that's been going on for a minute, and I wouldn't be in it if it wasn't for BetterHelp. It's absolutely fantastic. If you have something going on, as we always say, do yourself a favor and reach out to BetterHelp. They can match you with a licensed therapist right in your own home. And here's another thing BetterHelp wants you to know. There's a lot of stress in the workplace. Workplace stress is now one of the top causes of declining mental health, with 61% of the global workforce experiencing higher than normal levels of stress. To battle stress, most of us can't just wave goodbye to work, but we can start small with focusing on our wellness. You know what I'm saying? It's like walking up a little incline. Take that first step, bada boom, bada bing. You start to get yourself feeling better. So do yourself a favor, get over to BetterHelp. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide you access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com garbage. So do yourself a favor, get over to that's betterhelph e l-p.com garbage and start your mental health journey today. Gang, let's talk about Pesti real quick. We got a lot of homeowners out there, a lot of people out there in the burbs, a lot of people with kids and pets in the house. You can't be Going around spraying these harsh chemicals, zapping the dog and getting the kid all whacked out. That's why you got to use Pesti. Because it's kid and Pet friendly and baby. Let me tell you something. I've been over to Kippy's pre and post Pesty, and it works. That place. Look at the Adams family when I was over there before. Now it's nothing but green grass and clear skies over there. So do yourself a favor. Get over to Pesky if you got something going on, all right, no embarrassment. Go over to Pets Pesty, Kid Friendly Animal Safe and get the bugs out of there. You don't want to be dealing with that stuff, especially going into the fall. Then you start going in the house. Next thing you know, you pull out a bowl of corn flakes. And you got roaches in there. And I ain't talking about the good roach. Talk about the bad ones. So do yourself a favor. Get over to Pepsi. It's time to protect your home from bugs with pesti. Go to pesi.com ayg for an extra 10% off your order. An extra 10 off your order. That's pesty. P-E-S-T-I-E.com a YG for an extra 10%. Tell them the boys sent you. We love you. Back to the show. What I was gonna say. This might be a little too sentimental.

[Ari Shafir]

What spell that?

[Kevin Ryan]

I got to zip Seminal.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

My aunt had that. She's throwing up for a week.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got it from bad.

[Ari Shafir]

She had a pizza bagel yesterday and I really did her wrong.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Oh, a nice pizza bagel. You better forget about that for a long time, huh?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

No pizza, no hot dogs.

[Ari Shafir]

I just got my first pizza bagel in New York. I was like, you know what?

[Kevin Ryan]

Where?

[Ari Shafir]

Tompkin Square Bagels. I'm like it. Pizza bagel.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Hey, you that all up? You're gonna be eating pig's ears or whatever for the next six months.

[Ari Shafir]

Pick your salads. Yeah, I did that up. I'm gonna miss the.

[Kevin Ryan]

They got chipotle wherever you're going.

[Ari Shafir]

No.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

What about a nice sandwich, huh?

[Ari Shafir]

Sandwich. Un Sandwich? Yeah, I got Banh Mi's Original sandwiches.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

No, the little ones now.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's a little. It's a little tortoise.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I don't like the bologna or whatever that is.

[Ari Shafir]

Then get it.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Without a bologna, there's nothing else in the sandwich. Then it's just fresh vegetables.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's fresh.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

The pate's nice. I always get the extra order of pat days. I Can smear it on there.

[Ari Shafir]

Double up the pate.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Big pate guy.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Goddamn, gentlemen.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I don't know what I could eat out there. I gotta get some more bugs in me.

[Kevin Ryan]

Definitely only friend that's ever said that. I gotta get more bugs.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

What I was gonn. Is that you should keep that watch set at New York Times so you always know where your home is.

[Ari Shafir]

That's a great idea.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

That's what I always do whenever I travel.

[Ari Shafir]

Really?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I always keep it on New York Times.

[Ari Shafir]

So I don't want to like, redo it.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

No. Just so I know you're a watch guy.

[Ari Shafir]

You're not a watch guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Not a watch guy.

[Ari Shafir]

You're a watch guy.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I'm big watch guy.

[Ari Shafir]

This is crazy. I've never had a watch.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Keep it on New York Times. So you know where your friends are.

[Ari Shafir]

Some of them now.

[Kevin Ryan]

Why you do it?

[Ari Shafir]

Huh?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's why you do it.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Also been out. You've. First of all, you've been out of the time zone. You've been like three different time zone zones.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Stop acting like you're fucking James Bond and, you know, trying to remember all your dead soldier friends. Shut up. You've been to, like, Minneapolis and Hawaii.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Emilio Earhart.

[Ari Shafir]

Emilio Earhart.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah. I think they found her, by the way.

[Ari Shafir]

What do you mean they found her? How's she doing?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Not bad.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

She got 20 minutes together. She's doing pretty well.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got bad news.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

All right. Sit down.

[Ari Shafir]

They found her. It's worse than that.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

They found her plane. Really? Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And remains have not been found. Man, AI just called you a straight liar right away. First sentence is no, he's on Yahoo.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

He doesn't know. Some guy says he thinks he found the plane. They're pretty sure it's the plane.

[Ari Shafir]

Where? Where was it? The ocean?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

No, he was at the mall. Yeah, it was in the ocean.

[Ari Shafir]

Could have been over a forest. I don't know. I didn't follow the.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

She went down somewhere in Pacific and.

[Ari Shafir]

They found it just below.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah. It washed it away. The. The sand.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

And you could see it. And then it all came back. They haven't gone over there, but they think that's where they found it.

[Kevin Ryan]

You could take the orca out and find it if you want. It's a quint from fucking Jaws.

[Ari Shafir]

I was lost also.

[Kevin Ryan]

That is Deep Cuts Corner by Kevin Rice.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Man. That was the Deep Cuts corner.

[Ari Shafir]

I love. You use a reference of a movie just because you saw it last week.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I did it.

[Ari Shafir]

Everyone knows that.

[Kevin Ryan]

You clearly look like the guy from Jaws.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, oh, you think you got the shark? That's not the one.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Look how you invented Werther's Originals.

[Kevin Ryan]

I wish you invented a better joke.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Come on. What? Really? Hey, why does he got a balloon? What the. Yeah, you ain't going nowhere.

[Kevin Ryan]

I should put a couple barrels on you.

[Ari Shafir]

Got a farewell balloons for me?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

That was a lot of fun. That was like 20. A balloon?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

No, we got thrown in his face.

[Kevin Ryan]

Why? He's Jewish. He's slipping out of his chair over there.

[Ari Shafir]

If you really want to press your goes. It's 20. It should have been 22. Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, we talked. Oh, you like that? You like to talking about in total?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Including beers?

[Kevin Ryan]

We went to the balloon saloon.

[Ari Shafir]

You're on for the beard.

[Kevin Ryan]

Also left the price tag on including beers.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Probably about a jihad on you. It's more than that. Think so. Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

The big one we're waiting for was nine.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

That's paid for. Yeah, well, if he misses his deadline, here it is. Is it?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I'm just saying. Here it is. Listen. Well, I'll have it within 24 hours, so hit it.

[Wayne Newton]

Hey, Ari. Surprise. This is Wayne Newton. I want you to know that Kevin let me know that you're retiring from a job that you have been in many, many years and they're all going to miss you. So I promised I would sing a part of this. So. Donkey Shane. Harry Donkey Shane, thank you for all the joy and all that you're about to do in the future. So many years of service. Thank you. And we wish you nothing but well in your new life. And thank you. Come out and see us in Las Vegas and we can finish that song.

[Kevin Ryan]

And that was your great friend.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

A little racist if you ask me.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's lost his step short.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

That had to be a pretty penny.

[Ari Shafir]

What was that one?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I'll tell you.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You're gonna tell him? Don't ruin the surprise.

[Ari Shafir]

When's the surprise gonna be?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

He's going, he's never gonna fucking see it.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's not gonna have Internet.

[Ari Shafir]

I'll see it in a year. That'll be fun.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

He'll have malaria by this time next week.

[Ari Shafir]

Can't spell malaria without.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Did you get all your shots?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's so funny.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Fireball and all that.

[Ari Shafir]

All of it. I was complaining about it to the cell. I was like, fuck. Sorry I got vaccinated today. People started booing and I was like, what? Oh, idiots. Yellow fever.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Thought this guy looked a lot.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, you idiots. I got Fucking. I got shots for yellow fever.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yellow fever? That's a thing?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah. I've had it for many years, but apparently.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to wohob.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Oh, she's a good girl now.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now, are you worried you're gonna lose your. I mean, you're retiring. It doesn't.

[Ari Shafir]

Retiring. So I'll never be. My edge. Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Watch. You can't come back. Yeah, give me the watch back.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, no, I'll never.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

There better be none of this. You showing up in Austin in a.

[Kevin Ryan]

Couple of weeks, I'm sending you a bill.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I'll take that watch. I saw you on stage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Mario Cantone's gonna have a few more words to say, I guarantee. Sorry.

[Ari Shafir]

Sorry you got fired.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is that something you're, you know. Cuz I, I, I think a couple weeks all. You get rusty.

[Ari Shafir]

You get rusty.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know what I mean?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

It's not like that.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's not that good to begin with.

[Ari Shafir]

He's the best guessing.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Listen, like you said, hey, you're gonna.

[Kevin Ryan]

Relax, have fun with him.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I'm having fun.

[Kevin Ryan]

You just said he's the best. He's not. You could say good.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm no Cantone.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

The guy's dying. Shut up.

[Ari Shafir]

Let me have my final wish. My final wish is for Kevin to finally say, I'm decent at comedy.

[Kevin Ryan]

His hair's falling out.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

All right, let's get to the big surprise. Aaron Judge.

[Kevin Ryan]

Everybody just.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Ryan dressed up.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, we should have done that.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, my God, dude, did I tell you that was gonna happen?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Why?

[Ari Shafir]

Because, you know, when we all met him, we thought we would have a little bit of touch of D. He. Yeah, yeah. But I was going to a game, I got batting practice privileges through my buddy, and I was like, okay. The night before, rumors were that him and Freed were coming to the Cellar.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

Show I was on, and I already had it all planned. He's gonna see me in a show, I'm gonna ask for a home run. I'm gonna say, I am a sick kid, I have hiv, and I would like you to hit me a home run tomorrow. You're a sick kid, make a big joke about it, and then the next day, see him in batting practice. Oh, you're that guy from last night. Best friends. Done. Free didn't come in because of Palestine or some shit. And then it just all went away. Never happened.

[Kevin Ryan]

Jared Free?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Jared Freed?

[Ari Shafir]

No, Max.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

The baseball player?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, you mentioned free. No, you mentioned free. I thought you were like boys. Like, you were like. He didn't come in. I gotcha I'm on. I'm on his high life.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Tastes funny, by the way.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, that's skunks, doesn't it?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

It is, right?

[Ari Shafir]

I like the skunk.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Taste something. How your Coors lights.

[Kevin Ryan]

Good. Eyeing me up. He's like, go do your whippets or whatever you got out there.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, let's do whippets. Who's got the nitrous?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I don't know. You didn't bring any whippets?

[Ari Shafir]

I left the tank outside.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Did you have any whippets at the house?

[Ari Shafir]

No, I don't have. I didn't. I didn't. I don't carry those canisters. I will do them. Me and Derosa were doing one on the stoop one time, and Rowland showed up. He just walked past us. We were doing those.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

And who showed up? Who?

[Ari Shafir]

Mike Roland. Mike Rowland?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah. And he goes, are you.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's what homeless people do.

[Ari Shafir]

And we're like, yeah. He was like. Because we're like older statesmen.

[Kevin Ryan]

And he was like, on the stupidest.

[Ari Shafir]

Cellar, I blocked down, like, the next block towards the park. And he was like. Everyone's like, all right. They did one and walked on. It was great. Should we get a balloon and some whippets?

[Kevin Ryan]

Your life is like a Grateful Dead parking lot.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Where did you get the. Where'd you get the whippets from? Same guy.

[Ari Shafir]

The guy who loved the half and half gun.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, they sell them.

[Ari Shafir]

They sell them.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Oh, really?

[Kevin Ryan]

Most bodegas you can get fucking. You can get whippets at like, Ready.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Whip or no, Galaxy Gas.

[Ari Shafir]

The one with the little. The little tube. The one that goes in the seltzer things.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Oh, yeah, no shit. They got the whole gear there.

[Kevin Ryan]

You think they're making their money off lighters and shit?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you think they're rent on McDougal Street? Idiot.

[Ari Shafir]

That's a front, bro.

[Kevin Ryan]

That guy's moving.

[Ari Shafir]

He's either trafficking humans or he's selling whips.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, him, the orthodontist, he's putting people out.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I thought it was my pack of Juicy Fruit I bought every three weeks.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

When I got a spot at the Cellar.

[Ari Shafir]

No thank you card necessary this year, Paco.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, they sold. They sell poppers. Jesus Christ.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

They sell poppers.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think they're only selling poppers. Anything.

[Ari Shafir]

Let's do poppers. Let's get. Let's get the owner of the seller to do poppers with us. What? Why? I don't know.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Weird.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, let's get all that bookers kicking in. I'm Gonna miss you guys. For sure.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

We're gonna miss you too, pal. Yeah, but we're excited for you.

[Ari Shafir]

Thank you.

[Kevin Ryan]

New journey.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I don't think you're gonna make London.

[Ari Shafir]

What do you mean?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You're gonna be there for a year and be like, let's get the hell out of here.

[Ari Shafir]

I thought you meant I'm gonna die before I get there.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

No, I would never. I. I might.

[Ari Shafir]

But yeah. Yeah, who knows? Who knows?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Especially if shit starts popping off in the world, you're gonna fucking run right back to the wing of the dragon.

[Ari Shafir]

I want to be in the heart of the dragon.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Sure.

[Ari Shafir]

I want British Empire. They'll take over everything.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

What?

[Ari Shafir]

Proven, bro.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Get rolled. What are you talking about? Proven here out there in the front porch.

[Ari Shafir]

Maybe I'll go to Iceland and escape it all. Yeah, no one's bothering Iceland.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's not a bad point.

[Ari Shafir]

I got on a plane from southern Iceland to northern Iceland. And? And I was like, where do I get my ticket? Like, what's your name? Like, Ari Shafir. They go, here you go. And I'm like, you didn't ask for my id. What if I'm somebody else? And then they didn't check your bag to get on? I was like, yes, I'll check. And they're like, like, for what? Who's gonna bug us? Yeah, it's great.

[Kevin Ryan]

Anyway, it's like flying Scranton to Reading.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I don't even.

[Ari Shafir]

Your punishment's already.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're on here, buddy. Do us the favor.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I don't even know what Iceland is. Is that near Greenland?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, right there. Got it.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

But Greenland's icy and Iceland's green. Isn't that right?

[Ari Shafir]

That's what they say. But it's both pretty icy.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Luke's nodding his head. Thanks. It had minimal effort.

[Ari Shafir]

Appreciate it. What are you guys gonna do without me? What are you guys gonna do in my absence?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know. I gotta be honest with you. When I had the baby, we were texting back and forth. You gave me a very nice call, which not a lot of comics will do.

[Ari Shafir]

Do the call to check in.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think you were the only call.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow. Big moment in your life. What do they do? Occasional.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, a lot of. Lot of. Lot of. A lot of texts, a lot of DMs and stuff like that.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I called. Straight to voicemail.

[Kevin Ryan]

You were looking for money.

[Ari Shafir]

It was a one ring.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Hey, congratulations.

[Kevin Ryan]

Listen, congratulations.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I'm a little jammed up.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I do the call, you get a big moment. You want to talk it out, it's on A text. How you doing? Good, thanks. It's not that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, it's a lot of. Hey, congrats. Hey, congrats. Hey, congrats.

[Ari Shafir]

You know, it's almost rude to say, hey, congrats. You're forcing someone to write back, thanks so much.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Ari was going because he wanted to buy him. Yeah, send me the boy.

[Ari Shafir]

I just want to know how much you could get on the open market.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Ari Shafir]

Decide later.

[Kevin Ryan]

Just check that. Yeah.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

What could you get for a little Irish kid, Irish American kid, well fed, little chopstick. You get half German.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, price just went up. Organs alone is worth a lot. Organs alone. If you want to. If you want to strip it for parts, that's still a great.

[Kevin Ryan]

My wife's gonna love this conversation.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Don't do that.

[Ari Shafir]

But if you would want to.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Don'T.

[Kevin Ryan]

Don't Google on my computers how much a baby goes for. Ari comes and he starts doing, give everybody drugs. You're Googling human trafficking. I got a goddamn show to upkeep.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

What'd you take, a little. Little weed? Nope.

[Kevin Ryan]

Get a lot for a kidney, but.

[Ari Shafir]

Ooh, can't spell.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Can I sell my kidney?

[Ari Shafir]

Your kitty is worth negative.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You think so?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

It's a big one, though.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, that's a good point.

[Kevin Ryan]

Cut it up.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Just.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

If you cut a kidney in that, doesn't another one grow or something like that? Or is that a chameleon?

[Ari Shafir]

Salamander? What are you asking?

[Kevin Ryan]

Just ask me. Like I'm fucking. You know something.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Deez, can I grab a beer? Thanks, pal.

[Ari Shafir]

Go Bud Light. Go Yingling for the boys.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I don't know what's. I don't know what's good back there, to be honest.

[Kevin Ryan]

They're all good.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I don't know. That's highlight. Tastes weird.

[Kevin Ryan]

We had. We had refrigerator problems for a long time with all. We had to get a new one because it was getting very hot and the beers were like. They were like 95 degrees.

[Ari Shafir]

And how do you spring for one?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

They're all fresh.

[Kevin Ryan]

We got a new one. Diesel Our.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I know. I was going to ask you. Can I have one of those Modelos? Is that all right? I don't want to climb back there and up the balloons. What do you think you're giving me? Thanks, pal. Appreciate you, buddy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Are you out there drinking too?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

He just got a sack of drugs, too.

[Ari Shafir]

These was in. Deez was in.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Cheers, boys.

[Ari Shafir]

Cheers.

[Kevin Ryan]

Cheers, gang.

[Ari Shafir]

Love you guys.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Love you, pal.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wait, hold on. Before you sip, I have a toast.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Oh, yeah, yeah, go ahead.

[Kevin Ryan]

I wrote it myself.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Better not be my best man speech.

[Kevin Ryan]

Figure a way to shoehorn that in this guy. Dude, the same with material. You wrote one good speech 15 years ago. You just keep shoving it down people.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Now. That's all right.

[Kevin Ryan]

There are good ships. Let me test. Let me take this from the top. There are good chips. There are wood ships. There's ships that sail at sea. But the best ships are friendships. And may they always be.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Did you really write that? That's great. That's great.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm gonna miss you, bud.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Where'd you download that from?

[Kevin Ryan]

Download? Who are you? What are you, Papa? Where'd you download that?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Is that MapQuest?

[Kevin Ryan]

You download that on my phone? Hey, you've never heard that? It's like a glass crying.

[Ari Shafir]

I thought it started with, like, meaningful, but I'm like, I'm just reading it.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Off a fucking thing.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, the friendship thing.

[Kevin Ryan]

My buddy delivered. My two friends were going to study abroad until we were in college.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

He tried to deliver it since he.

[Kevin Ryan]

Through, like, hotels and he stood up. He's the guy of his speech. It was like the first time we ever went out to dinner. You know what I mean? Like, because they were going away and he's like, there are wood chips. And I heard it. I was like, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever. I want. He had it written down on a piece of paper, and my buddy took it, who was traveling and put it in his wallet and has kept it for like 15 years.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

It's so funny.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, to be a dirtbag who's never really heard a P.O. like, you know, a toast like that to have your butt. Your 21 year old buddy hit you with that? I was crying in my chicken thunder.

[Ari Shafir]

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think you rhymed. It's meaningful.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Could we get more saucer than calamari?

[Ari Shafir]

Hey, guys. Also live, laugh.

[Kevin Ryan]

Love, love, love.

[Ari Shafir]

I think we got to bring toast back.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Toast would be nice.

[Ari Shafir]

Almost every first drink you're gonna be like, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me say something. And then just think of something to toast.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's.

[Ari Shafir]

Bartender, the toast.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Toast and grace. A good grace is all right. And I'm not talking about the blessing, Father, or the.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's not it, you twisted freak. If I die before I wake.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

That's James Hetfield right there.

[Ari Shafir]

What's great? It's just a toast for food.

[Kevin Ryan]

A toast for food is great. Yeah.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thank you. Thank Jesus.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Hold on, hold on.

[Kevin Ryan]

Bless us, O Lord, for these Got.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Gifts we about to receive from thy bounty of Christ. Amen.

[Kevin Ryan]

I already go up in.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Throwing garlic and holy water at him. No, but not listen. Nothing against that, obviously. Of course. That's a beautiful one.

[Ari Shafir]

Obviously.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

But just does this. Does the best.

[Kevin Ryan]

See me.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

A nice. A nice sharp. A nice sharp grace. A nice sharp toast.

[Ari Shafir]

An original grace.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

An original. Of course, you got to go original.

[Ari Shafir]

Before we eat this, I just want to say to the mom to Tutty for making us a great meal.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Always there with the great meals.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's pretty good. The one time. The one time I. We really did toast was like, very. It was like kind of a drinking game a little bit.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

But every round you had, you did a toast. You did a toast, but you had to toast it like. So I would go, all right, here's the titties or whatever. It'd be something a little more than you go, here's the titties. And, you know, whatever you gotta keep adding. But it would be like, you know, whatever.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Something not titty.

[Kevin Ryan]

Something not meaning some. A little. I mean, you tell me. Titties are meaningful. Guy with tits. I think you said that.

[Ari Shafir]

Tony Hinchcliffe, underrated toast guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

He does a good toast.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Hit you with a good one.

[Kevin Ryan]

Realize that.

[Ari Shafir]

Hold on, hold on, everybody.

[Kevin Ryan]

I want to say something because he does have the rest, man.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, exactly how he does his intros. This man is leaving today.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wow.

[Ari Shafir]

Or we had a new special. One of my special came out. He was in Austin. He toast every single place. He was on Netflix, one of the premier places to put a special for comedians. And this man has done it. Not only he just goes in, he can give.

[Kevin Ryan]

He can. He has that rhythm.

[Ari Shafir]

Roastmaster. Toastmaster.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Damn, that's pretty good.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Bring toast back.

[Ari Shafir]

Break. Toast back. Yeah.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Toast show. Let's do a toast show, huh? Too bad you're out. You just missed out on a windfall.

[Kevin Ryan]

Get your greedy hands out of that.

[Ari Shafir]

Give me my points now.

[Kevin Ryan]

What are your managers and agents say? You think they can't be thrilled with.

[Ari Shafir]

You because I fired them both. You did not necessary. And they go, but we're not even making commission while you're gone because you're not working. And I was, like, rehired.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Welcome back.

[Ari Shafir]

Did not do the math on that.

[Kevin Ryan]

I didn't really think that went out.

[Ari Shafir]

They're not stoked. In the Jew industries, lack of money is not heralded.

[Kevin Ryan]

Show them to watch. Show.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, hell Yeah. I got 42 bucks on that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sink that in.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

This is the opposite of what they Want you to do.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, so much. You're like, really? Things are going well. This. Now's when you're just gonna quit?

[Kevin Ryan]

Does your manager even say, like, did you tweet every three days or something?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Like, are you gonna could me? Could you maybe do a couple of shows in Bangkok?

[Ari Shafir]

I'm sure they'll. They'll hit me with that. Hey, we got a Cambodia gig.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Would you do that?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's even after, like, three months. Is that something like. You know what? Let me just go dick around for a half hour or, like, jump on like a local if they. Are you gonna read Local showcase?

[Ari Shafir]

I'm gonna read for sure. No, here's the problem. When you're gone for that long, if you bomb, and you gotta sit on.

[Kevin Ryan]

A bomb for, like, six months.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

What are you talking about? You know that. It's. It's not like that.

[Ari Shafir]

I saw Ari Maddie perform at a place in Cambodia. I met him before anybody, really. I was in Cambodia. He was there. It was an indoor outdoor man.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

That kid gets around.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, and. And. Yeah, and it was so bad. Do you want to go up? I'm like, no, this won't work.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll do that in New York. Sometimes, like, you're next. I'm like, I'm going home.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, exactly.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I got Covid.

[Kevin Ryan]

My mental state ain't great. I can't have this lingering.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

My wife just left me. Gang, let's talk about square. As you know, we are a square family here at Ru Garbage, and I'm talking about being lame, talking about using the best platform to. To move some merch. All right? You see, me and Kippy are out at the. Out of the shows. We're doing the meet and greet. We got Ryan Diesel there with the. With the. With the merch. Moving some merch. That's what we're using. We're using Square. Gang, do yourself a favor. We know a lot of you out there got side hustles. Make that side hustle your main thing. And you can do that with Square. Square is the platform behind the scenes of so many businesses you already love. Doesn't matter whether you're selling smoothies, whether you're cutting hair, fixing bikes, or running a boutique, Square gives them all one connected system. Take payments, manage inventory, run payroll, send invoices, and track everything all in one place. This isn't just a point of sale. Square includes hardware that works in person and on the go. Software for managing staff, marketing, and customer insights, Banking tools like Square checking to get paid instantly. So do yourself a favor. And get over to Square. If you're interested and you want to start and you want to start making some cash, if you're starting a business or running one, that deserves a better, better tools. Square helps you sell, manage and grow without slowing down. Right now, you can get up to $200 off square [e-mail]. go garbage. That's square sqare.com. go slash, run your business smarter with Square and get started today. Now back to the show.

[Kevin Ryan]

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[Aiden Stage Foley]

Wait a minute.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Were they all Cambodian people that didn't speak English?

[Kevin Ryan]

Ari, Maddie's Cambodian.

[Ari Shafir]

No, he was there. He was there. He got a gig. This is like, you know, 10, which. 2017, I guess it was.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah. They would remember him telling us when he did the show that he did move. He did travel around and do. He was in Australia, too.

[Ari Shafir]

He was on Australia for a while.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

But you're in Australia. That's pretty much right there.

[Ari Shafir]

You're right.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

That's Asia. That's where they all go. All the Australians, they go over to Asia, clean up.

[Ari Shafir]

One time it was a Guatemala. They had an open mic. Mic for any talent. Where Guatemala on lake and they have like atitlan whatever.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I've had that.

[Ari Shafir]

But they go, do any talent. Juggle, do whatever. You get a shot of vodka. And so I let some people play guitar, somebody with everything. And I was just. I was a nobody there. I mean, this was like nobody thing. Nobody. Nobody knew me. And I was like, I'll go up. And they're like, okay, what's your talent? I'm like, I'm just gonna tell a story.

[Kevin Ryan]

Women be shopping.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I've been taking a. The dude next to you taking a it. And then he's looking in the peo at you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Good old women. Should I do it to him?

[Ari Shafir]

Give it up to the ladies in here.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're doing Reggie from the Nutty Professor. Should I do it to him?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah. Why is that so funny?

[Ari Shafir]

Out of place. Like that level of.

[Kevin Ryan]

You really own it. You're pacing that.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

What's the deal with girls today anyway?

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, so you go up and.

[Ari Shafir]

Did a 14 minute, long worked out stage story. It took like three minutes for. They realized that I was. You were good at it because you're like, okay, okay. And then like chickfila. And like stopping. They're chuckling and trying to stop themselves. They don't even know it's comedy. It's not supposed to be. And it was like. And then just crushing by the end. And then like 10 people later like, hey, hey, what's your name again? I'm like, ari. Like, do you have any more stories? And I was like, yeah, I do.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Nah, that's it.

[Ari Shafir]

I got two free shots.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

They tell. They probably told Toast about that.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Remember that guy who told the story 14 minutes for what? He could have stopped, gotten two shots.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

In the middle, then he farted and walked out of town.

[Kevin Ryan]

Good job.

[Ari Shafir]

No stand up at all. Just take us a bath.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

What are you gonna read?

[Ari Shafir]

I'm gonna trade. I should have funny answers for this. Yeah, I gotta trade at different hostels. You finish a book, you're gonna stay at hostels.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You have fucking wrong with you, man.

[Ari Shafir]

It's so funny when something comes out of your mouth and as it's out.

[Kevin Ryan]

Of your mouth and you see $450 watch on fucking. Staying at a hostel.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You're 60, you can't do that creep.

[Ari Shafir]

You meet people at hostels, they're more fun.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

And then that's where people hook up. Right next to each other, right?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Germans love fucking. On the bunk bed ahead of you, right on top of you, it's rocking. Like, come on, Germans, go to the shower.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You can't Peek up there and see what's going on.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, hello.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Hello.

[Ari Shafir]

Two and one bed. That's not. That's abnormal. God. Yeah. No, hostels are not great, but also are great.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You're gonna stay in hostage.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm getting excited now. I'm getting excited now seeing your discontent.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

What's the budget for the trip? For the trip before you go, before you move, before I move.

[Ari Shafir]

Like 1500amonth.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

$1500 a month?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, maybe. Maybe I'll go two grand if I have a fucking scuba diving trip or something.

[Kevin Ryan]

What the hell is even that?

[Ari Shafir]

You're cha. How much is low clock? How much is a plate of low clock? Where you're from?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

The is low clock, buddy.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't touch the stuff.

[Ari Shafir]

Bring it up.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I use the club.

[Ari Shafir]

You would love low clock. It's a bed of fries or rice with cubed beef.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

All right.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I don't.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Why don't you say that?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't. I don't want to know the shape of my beef.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I do like square beef.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's fine. Don't call it cubed beef, just call it beef.

[Ari Shafir]

How do you spell it? L, O, K. New word. L, A, K. How do you spell. That's a fair question.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Are you going to put it up there? You see it? Take a look at this.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Make the picture extra small. That's the best.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Cambodian luklaq. Everybody throws an egg on it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Not bad.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Looks great.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's really good.

[Kevin Ryan]

Tomatoes in that lettuce. You got yourself a meal.

[Ari Shafir]

Can't eat the lettuce. Don't be a fool. You'll get food poisoning.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Is that true?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Yeah. Don't touch that lettuce.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Don't touch that lettuce on top of the meat.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now. How much? I got a question you might not want to know publicly. You're somewhere in the world. How much cash do you take?

[Ari Shafir]

This is great.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Can you go to an atm?

[Ari Shafir]

Some places, but, like, you got to.

[Kevin Ryan]

Have a. I mean, you know, you got to have a couple grand on you to move around.

[Ari Shafir]

No, I'll have like 500 in cash.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You got credit cards just in case? I can't get to an atm, but yeah, you get it to any major city. Even minor cities. Sometimes they're out of money in the atmosphere and you're gonna like. But the new world.

[Kevin Ryan]

Me, I'd have cash. Five grand.

[Ari Shafir]

Jesus, I almost barfed on that. Did barf a touch, but it was mostly water. I'll be honest with you. Did barf a touch it Was mostly just beer. And it wasn't actual vomit in there.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're gonna be a hit at the hospitals puking up loaf clock.

[Ari Shafir]

And.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

What'S your talent? I throw up in my mouth.

[Ari Shafir]

Guess the food I had.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's. He's up there. There's wood chip. Look.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Lock everybody.

[Kevin Ryan]

I would love.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

No, they got atm. They got. They got.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm not saying they don't. But I'm just saying if I get jammed up. A couple of CE notes will get you out of a pinch in nom.

[Ari Shafir]

What are you 200 bucks on you? Just be like this will do. Fresh bills, they won't say crumpled so fresh bills at all times. Inside a book or something to like just in case money.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Kidnap money.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean I don't leave.

[Ari Shafir]

That was your gift. Straight cash. Tell you what. I'll do something crazy with this and I'll let you know about it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, do it. Steal.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Turns into $4,000 real quick.

[Kevin Ryan]

Go fund a turf war or something like that. I open government, become a arms dealer.

[Ari Shafir]

Could have funded a young school, but.

[Kevin Ryan]

I decided Jewish warlord with a funky beard.

[Ari Shafir]

How much bills you cut this? All the time. On you. That's so much money.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You shouldn't be flashing. That should be flashing. That's mine.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow. 1, 2, 3, 4.

[Kevin Ryan]

Theoretically, 420. That's a sign.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Smoke that. You're gonna give it to him?

[Kevin Ryan]

No. We were shooting something yesterday. I needed cage.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

That's right. It's funny. I can see you reaching your pocket once paying for those goddamn margaritas on.

[Kevin Ryan]

The company credit card. You this bad sack is really like throwing the company credit card around and claiming it's his money.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Hey, who are you talking about?

[Kevin Ryan]

Wood chip over here?

[Ari Shafir]

Like fat sack. All right.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

But mystery might never be solved. He sounds like a cool dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoever he is, he got this guy's number split some low clock.

[Ari Shafir]

Should I do here? I'm gonna have some something on you?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes. All right, that's 300.

[Ari Shafir]

I'll do some adventure with this. I'll let you know what it is.

[Kevin Ryan]

Don't like that's do something dangerous.

[Ari Shafir]

You want me to do something dangerous? Do something dangerous.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

No, don't do.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I do. But the way you said that you like lit up. You mean it made me scared.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You mean something dangerous like a high yield savings account in this market? What are you crazy?

[Ari Shafir]

IRA is just already spelled back.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Let's go right into the essay. SMP dog.

[Ari Shafir]

You kidding me?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Oh, don't worry. I'll play it safe.

[Ari Shafir]

I will. I'LL do something with this. I'll let you.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you have in mind?

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know. Maybe some trek that you gotta like, get a guide for. Or maybe like.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, give it to. I want it as like a. Not a tip, but, like, spread that not. I know you'll ruin the local economy somewhere with.

[Ari Shafir]

You mean like get a nice meal or are you saying that. I mean, that's a fucking month of meals.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

What about like a scuba diving trip or something?

[Ari Shafir]

You're saying spread it around. Use this as tip money. That's going to make me a target for cannibals.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yes, it will. Damn.

[Ari Shafir]

Be the one with the.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a target for cannibals. You. There's nothing on the bone, I guess.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Look at me like that.

[Ari Shafir]

It just turns into a chicken leg.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, but, like, what are you thinking? I'm thinking, like, yeah, spread that.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Go to a strip club. Stop. Go to strip club, get yourself laid. Something like that.

[Ari Shafir]

That. I could do that. With 300 bucks.

[Kevin Ryan]

I could do that down. I could do that. Hell's Kitchen.

[Ari Shafir]

I got three or four chicks at once with that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do that.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

There you go.

[Kevin Ryan]

Send me a picture. Just your hug without them. Ooh, gross. No, but like, you know, don't give it to, like, a business, okay? Give it to, like, individuals doing something.

[Ari Shafir]

Doing something.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

How about this?

[Kevin Ryan]

That are providing service. Not all like one, but. There you go. Guys like that.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I was gonna say this like.

[Kevin Ryan]

Or like a street guy who's got. Whatever. Like, if just say it's like five bucks.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, go like, here's a hundred. Oh, yeah, just go.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was gonna go. Here's 20, but ready?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Go into a town, okay, where there's a mom.

[Kevin Ryan]

Find the biggest guy, hit him.

[Ari Shafir]

I know that town where there's a.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Mom would go to a town where there's a mom selling peddling wares and she has a little kid with her. Be like, how much for all this?

[Kevin Ryan]

And the kid?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Give her the whole 300. Walk away, change their lives.

[Kevin Ryan]

She's not gonna say 300.

[Ari Shafir]

Some of the worst.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Give it to him.

[Ari Shafir]

So you want me to do that over? Go crazy on somebody who does a good service?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Then you nail her. Start dating, get a new life, Sell off the kid. 500 bucks.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah, he put him to work. Now their money's working for you. Kevin, I got you 300 back and then some.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I'm sending them over this month.

[Ari Shafir]

Work for you.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Pick him up in Port Newark.

[Ari Shafir]

It's all come on the subway for you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Slice Pineapple at the traffic. I got to be honest with you.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

They move merch.

[Kevin Ryan]

They do. And they're getting crazy. Like, they're moving further and further. I was in traffic at the gwb.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Like, yeah, they're out there on the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Fucking turnpike, but, like, deep down the turnpike.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, not an exit in sight. And they there. I'm like, where the hell are you even keeping this shit?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

It's good. The mangoes, unbelievable. I don't know what they do there.

[Ari Shafir]

Really Is that mango. Sometimes you walk by one, you're like, actually, yeah. And like, you want tahin on that? I'm like, lady, whatever you say, I'm doing it.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Sweet shit.

[Kevin Ryan]

Spread that around to local vendors, okay?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

You know what they do? Sorry to coughing the mic. They keep it in a brown paper bag for a couple of days.

[Ari Shafir]

Money.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're not gonna earn any interest that way.

[Ari Shafir]

It's a wild take, and I'll try it. If it might make me more. If it might turn into two, start growing roots.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

No, the mangoes. They keep them in the mangoes and avocados. You keep them in a brown pit bag for a couple days, they get nice and rip. That's what the boys at Bear Burger told me that worked in a kitchen.

[Ari Shafir]

Bananas.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

And they knew. They're avocados.

[Ari Shafir]

Burger boys.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now, was there anything you have your satchel of drugs you've been peddling all over the city. Can I take those?

[Ari Shafir]

I thought about taking some acid, but I'm like, imagine we'll just find there if I gotta find any, you know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Why not get into trafficking before you leave?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Any acid. I just came across a little bit. 300 bucks. I gave it to you.

[Ari Shafir]

Listen, you put it away. I gave some to somebody else. I don't want to get made in trouble. And he was like, mike, Roland said that.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't.

[Ari Shafir]

Because I'm not really in the mood right now to do asset. I'm like, don't do it now. Put it away for when you're in the right headspace.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

It's not a Zambuca.

[Ari Shafir]

And again, I don't want to say who it is. But then my Roland said, yeah, that's a good idea. I will do that. I'll put it away.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. Has there been anything you've. Getting a lot. You've given, you know, you've gotten rid of a lot of your worldly belongings. You've done a big purge. Has there been anything you've had, you know, a piece of technology or something where someone's like, you're like, piece of technology. You working for the Chinese? I don't know this guy.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Element115. What'd you do with your anti gravity?

[Ari Shafir]

I'm loving this middle seat. Yeah, it's all right.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Rope a dope, ya.

[Kevin Ryan]

Got you right where I want you. Keep my eyes on you.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Can't get in, can't get out. Did you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Because I know in your. In your past, you've been really good to younger comics. You pedal a lot of your. You know, I didn't have.

[Ari Shafir]

This year. I didn't have a young comics. Grab whatever you want.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Who gets your joke? Jokes. Can I start doing Jew around town?

[Ari Shafir]

Yes. 100.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Don't you.

[Ari Shafir]

Don't you hate when your Yiddisha mother says morgue filta fish? And you're like, I'm already full. I don't know. Fully.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

He was Jewish Orthodox. Old school.

[Ari Shafir]

Fully.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Oh, yeah. I got a late spot.

[Ari Shafir]

In the past. They've come over. They're like, can I have a fork?

[Kevin Ryan]

Because you used to. Before I knew you, you'd have like, you know, come get my recliner.

[Ari Shafir]

Everything. It was so fun.

[Kevin Ryan]

Everything must go.

[Ari Shafir]

Comics get just like, grab. It was so fun. I didn't quite do it this year. I saved stuff for people. I had a liquor party. You guys are both invited. Didn't show up where it's like, come get a bottle on your way.

[Kevin Ryan]

You had to drag my name through the mud. Like, you've never been nice.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Jammed up.

[Ari Shafir]

You've never once been nice to me.

[Kevin Ryan]

You had a party for me.

[Ari Shafir]

I did have a party for you. That's right.

[Kevin Ryan]

Which was very nice. Did you go, yeah, Kind of antisocial.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I was like, wait, this is your last chance before you have a kid. Oh, yeah, that was fun as it. Like, you gotta get it. Let's go, let's go. Let's go out, huh? We had Bart. We grilled a little girl.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, listen, Mr. Shaffer, is that.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

The mushrooms or the onions that you made? The 48 day mushrooms?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. 40, 24 hour, 48 mushrooms.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

What is that right there?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, they had to burn it.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

All right.

[Ari Shafir]

Pre cancerous.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah, we get that looked at.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I did. And so he burned it with one of those general award burners.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

End up in a urgent care. And me and Mark, skin test.

[Ari Shafir]

I go, let's burn that off. And I was like, okay, you got that genital wart burner. Remember those?

[Aiden Stage Foley]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you mean, remember those?

[Ari Shafir]

Nobody.

[Kevin Ryan]

Not one of those floozies you hang around.

[Ari Shafir]

It's like, this freeze stuff and they. And it burns. And then your general work just. I've heard your genital wart just pops off and scabs up. They did it with my nose.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Oh, God damn.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's not just for genital warts. I guess not in Ari's life.

[Ari Shafir]

It is just discovering. I was like, is that the guy was like, no. There's other uses. I'm like, but mostly that is a gamble. Yeah. Free. They freeze it.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

He got a general wood on your nose, dude.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Wow. Going down and checks that way. You like that? You like that?

[Kevin Ryan]

Guy's a hunting. He's hunting and pecking like he's typing.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Dozing dudes.

[Kevin Ryan]

But I mean, what you did the great.

[Ari Shafir]

Let me see. What did I give away that. That people really, really liked?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I was getting. I was getting back to complimenting you on your hosting duties.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah. Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Got there, full spread up on the roof. Got a nice roof deck for the boys. For the boys. I'm talking like a bunch of liquor. Good amount of just beer. There's just a good amount of everything.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

How was the ice?

[Kevin Ryan]

Good ice.

[Ari Shafir]

Ice game was good.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ice game was good.

[Ari Shafir]

Shout out. Associated Supermarkets always good on the ice.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout them out. Yeah, like they need it.

[Ari Shafir]

Today's episode is brought to you by Associated Market. Everybody, if you want some overpriced.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Good market, good store, good New York. Good New York grocery store. Associated.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's key food to me.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

But yeah, what is great too.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, they're trashes.

[Ari Shafir]

But yeah, it was a good time.

[Kevin Ryan]

He had a great. And then he was doing the thing where, like, you cooked every 90 minutes to two hours. Every time someone new would come put. He would just start. He wouldn't go, what do you want? Because then they go, I don't know.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

So afraid.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Don't you hate when everybody does that?

[Kevin Ryan]

Good. For now, he didn't ask. He just fired up the fucking shish kebabs. Burgers, sausages going. Then he drops because everybody's like, we're sitting there drinking for six, eight hours, fucking. And he made the perfect amount every time. It would. Not all of it would go. There'd be like a sausage. One burger.

[Ari Shafir]

You asked one guy, do you want a burger or such? Like, no, I'm good. If you put 10 sausage burgers out, they're all grabbing, they're going.

[Kevin Ryan]

And it was great. It was great. It was just like the rhythm of it was fan tastic.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Good guy.

[Ari Shafir]

That's what I like to hear.

[Kevin Ryan]

Then we all went inside and watched something yes. Was it a game?

[Ari Shafir]

Maybe we all went inside.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was a basketball. It was the Knicks game. The Knicks were playing playoffs. Playoffs, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

That was also great. I've never had anybody over to watch sports.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah, look at that.

[Ari Shafir]

Shout out, Justin. TV for. Sorry, first show sports EU for the free hookup on. On the illegal streams there.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Even stealing cable the whole time.

[Ari Shafir]

Never had cable.

[Kevin Ryan]

Are you serious?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah. I used Big J. I'm not joking. Big J's Netflix account up until last year.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Year.

[Ari Shafir]

He logged in once in my place, and I.

[Kevin Ryan]

You canceled yours immediately.

[Ari Shafir]

I've had two specials on Netflix that I did not pay for on my own.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

That's pretty good.

[Ari Shafir]

You telling it. I've been trying to. With his algorithm, too. I've been trying to get, like, girly on there. So every time I go on there, he's like, how am I four episodes ahead of this show? I just find whatever he's watching. I just skip ahead.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

It's all caught up on Emily in Paris.

[Ari Shafir]

He's like, wait, what? This makes no sense. I'm like, ah. Why skipped episodes? Sorry. Shout out. Big J.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

All jokes aside, truly one of the best guys in comedy.

[Ari Shafir]

Big J, you.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was like, big J is great.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Shout out to the big dog.

[Kevin Ryan]

No. We're gonna miss you. Obviously, you were one of the first big guests outside of our immediate reach when we were still a very, very small show. When you were like, you'll do the show. And we were like, I mean, it was crazy. And then it was that. What? You were like. You were like the linchpin, genuinely, to level us up, to get to the next level. Because, like, oh, we had Ari. And then the Whoever's how they get.

[Ari Shafir]

People at shitty, shitty comedy shows. Yeah. You know, we had a Norman, like, all right, I'll go.

[Kevin Ryan]

Everybody's had Norm.

[Ari Shafir]

That guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

He'll do everything.

[Ari Shafir]

That guy's out there working game, like.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, if you get list, you go, all right, I'm listening.

[Ari Shafir]

Then I'm real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did your show. I believe in you guys from the start. I'm like, oh, this is actually pretty fun. I would tell everybody about it.

[Kevin Ryan]

It. You did. And I know it's very, you know, very much appreciative.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. You guys ruled. That's fact. One time we went to. I was taking the boy over here to a Yankee game. I was like, you want to go? Yankee game? I got tickets. And you're like, yeah, I'll get tickets. I'm like, no, I already got. I got some bleacher. Seats. It'll be great.

[Kevin Ryan]

This was such a. This was. I remember we was next to him. He goes, ari Shafir is asking me if I want to go to the Yankees game. What do I say? We're like, go.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I don't know what the hell I was going to talk to you about for two hours. I figured I get some shelf, throw it in you.

[Ari Shafir]

Two hours. This is the old rules. This is three and a half.

[Kevin Ryan]

So then for the shot clock. So then he goes, I'll get the tickets. You bought tickets.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I bought tickets.

[Kevin Ryan]

And you spent like an insane amount of. Insane amount.

[Ari Shafir]

Regular season game of a team.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

I didn't care about five grand.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, it wasn't. No, it was up there. It wasn't five grand.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Three, maybe.

[Ari Shafir]

It was at that we sat.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

We're in the Legends, we're in the.

[Ari Shafir]

Legend Suites, three rows behind the SNL people.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

King Crab legs, the whole nine yards.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, my God, that's right. It was crazy. I was like, buddy, I just wanted to get a couple of beers and sit and watch baseball.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Not with Uncle Hank.

[Ari Shafir]

It was a day game and a weekday. The point is to come.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

We'll just keep boxing. What are those crabs called? The ones they sell down at Joe's in Miami?

[Kevin Ryan]

Stone.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Stone crabs. Fucking long as the eye could see. Shrimp. Whatever.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, it took something to go.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, while you were in credit card debt at the time, but I.

[Ari Shafir]

Brought a big pocket. You're like, no, you've helped me so much. Let me help you. I'm like, this is not worth. Just give me the money.

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, buddy, give me two grand.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

We had a nice goddamn game, didn't we?

[Ari Shafir]

It was a blast. It was a blast. It was a blast. That was a lot of fun.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Yeah. Good times.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, that was a good time. And I was like, what? You're like, yeah. You guys have. You've helped me.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was like, yeah, but just like, not five grand. Al.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I'm not trying to impress you.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was trying to. Trying to shag you over here.

[Ari Shafir]

I got a first class ticket to Australia once on UFC Rogan gets a companion ticket. It who? Joe Rogan. Joe, how these boys are. That's crazy. The Lynch Pit of comedy here, they're keeping it real. The only thing in New York keeping it real all the time.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, we're ruined.

[Ari Shafir]

And. And what's it going to do? Have you on less? And speaking of keeping it real, you.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Ever go into a store?

[Ari Shafir]

These be tripping. Yeah, but I got a first class convention ticket. But it's Australia's $25,000.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

25 grand. It was part of his what the fuck with the spiders and shit.

[Ari Shafir]

Dana White comes up to me.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

That's crazy.

[Ari Shafir]

Dana White comes up to me and he just comes running over. Do you know how much your ticket cost? I was like, yeah, Dana, you should.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Have given me half.

[Ari Shafir]

I would have flown coach. I could desperately use 12 grand. Sure. Good story, Ari. Bring it to a halt and edit.

[Kevin Ryan]

In laughter in that and edit out the others stuff. But we got to wrap it up, gang.

[Ari Shafir]

All right.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

We're gonna miss you, pal. We love you.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm gonna miss you guys too. You guys, cheers more.

[Kevin Ryan]

Cheers, brother.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Mr. Ari Schaefer. Love you.

[Kevin Ryan]

To Ari Schaer, gang.

[Aiden Stage Foley]

Guys, we love you. We'll see you next week.

[Kevin Ryan]

Peace.