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Welcome to another exciting edition of Are you garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. I want to talk about a dinner party. Sure. I want to talk about two things. One, if you're having a dinner party. One, if you're going to a dinner party. Interesting. What do you think it's appropriate to bring to a dinner party? What does a guy like you bring? If I'm going, I'm usually bringing nothing. Let me tell you why. Here's the fucked up thing. We talk to an etiquette coach. That's the right answer. It is the right answer. Because here's the thing. I'm going to a lot of these dinners as. Look, a local pig. Sure. They're. They're bringing me. They have clipboards and white coats. Yeah, they're bringing me to the dinner party as a local curiosity, an animal. An animal you'd point out on a tour bus. Everybody gets 10 minutes sitting next to you. For example, this is a local pig who we've brought in here. And everybody kind of pets them and get the kids take a photo. The yak woman canceled. So. So really, I'm just a cur. It's a curiosity. I'm a curiosity. So no one wants to the curiosity to show up with anything. Because here's the deal. When you go to a dinner party, I think you're there today. They want to do their thing. Sure. They don't want to do a potluck? No. But if I had to. A raspberry cream pie from Brian your farms, gentlemen, which is great. It's a top notch pie. Brian your farms, they won't sponsor me. You've asked. I haven't asked, but we've, you know, you plugged them enough, I'm sure. Wear their hat a lot of times. I've seen the hat. I've mentioned this to you before, I believe, but you ruined me with the Haagen Dazs. What is it? Raspberry cheesecake or what is it? White chocolate, chocolate raspberry truffle. Oh, man. Yeah, I could turn back the clock on that. It's a great flavor. Delicious. And it allows you to feel a little festive. Yes, it does. There's something where you feel a little festive. I think an ice. You know, here's the way I look at life now. You gotta have a little treat. You do, you do. You gotta have a little treat. And it has. He just said that in the kitchen. He Grabbed a power bar. I need a little treat. I came out, he was so. It says cookie dough flavor and one gram of carb. I don't even know what these things mean anymore. One gram of this. I wasn't out of the bathroom yet. I just heard him talking to himself, going, I could use a little treat. Nice little treat, little pick me up. So I think when you have the white chocolate raspberry truffle, it's a little treat. I'm not being a gluttonous pig. I'm having a little treat. Yes. That's the difference. White chocolate's good for you. It's a little treat. It's a little treat. Now, have you been on the other side of that where you throw a dinner party? You know, I'm sure you put out. We were great. Great host. We got to this, the infamous summer party. I had a caterer, so I valet parking. We had valet parking. That's how classy this dirt bag can be. We hired the six bucks a car, but it was a little bit. Yeah, fucking whack me out. It charged me extra for the suv. We hired this guy, this Italian chef from Instagram. This guy doesn't show up. He goes, I got food problems. He goes, I got. His stomach problems. I have food poisoning. Chef, by the way, okay, this scumbag. So this piece of shit, in the morning of the thing goes, I can't show up. So. But then other people came and they did it. They did a great job. Wow. I wouldn't have known. There was a guy hired. Arthur and Sons, I remember. Yeah. In conjunction with this guy. And they killed it. It killed it. And I think this year we're going to do something different every year. We did. We did traditional summer food the first year. Then we did a Italian food last year. It's like, Italian this year. I'm thinking something different. I don't know what it is. At what point does this party get to the point where all you. All the rich people that you know are chasing Kevin and I around the yard and we're greased up in Vaseline naked? Because I have to say, I mean, there was like, yeah, famous people. Like, you know, like, fame. There was like. I was talking to one guy, he's like, I'm a huge fan. We go, oh, cool. Thanks, man. Nice to meet you. And he goes, yeah, my dad owns a casino. And I was like, how the fuck. I go. He goes, yeah, I just met Timmy. I go, what the fuck? Shout out to everyone at Ocean's Casino in Resort. Yeah, exactly. You know what I'm talking about. We were in the back, right? As dirt bags tend to do smoking, we find a corner away from everybody where we can go catch a heat. I hit you up for a bun. Yeah, you did. And you're a good host. You float around, you're doing well, and you always come back to your roots. You find the other fat pigs. Yeah, yeah. Feeny had a. Feeny brought his own cooler. A white claws Feeny. You forget we're back there cranking heaters. You forget he's white trash until you see he's got a tattoo on his leg and it's not a good tattoo. And you go, oh, you're a garbage. Like, you forget how garbage he is until you see that tattoo on a leg. Shin tattoo is a bad look. Yeah. I don't know what we're gonna do this year. I thought maybe sushi, but then that sits out in the sun. That's good. That ain't good. That ain't good. So I don't know. What's a good theme this year for the food? Interesting. That's pretty good because, you know, go all Greek. Huh. Do some gyros. Interesting. Like a Mediterranean thing. I don't know about that. That gets real sloppy. Yeah. That doesn't age as well. Everybody's smelling like tzatziki. Nobody's making out. Smells like a yellow tail. That gets real sloppy and heinous. And you guys were in a single family home? Yes. What, like single family? No. No. Parents together. Oh, yes. Detached. Dude. Yeah. We were broke. So what? Yeah, no, it was. It was a standalone, like a normal house. It wasn't a condo or a townhouse or an apartment. It was a. Just. Your family lived in it? Yes. Man, Gerbies folds under questioning. He does. Well, no, I didn't know. Single family household. Is that what you said? Single family home is a regular home is what describes the. The dwelling. I understand that, but how would you describe a single. Single parent home? Yeah, single parent. And brothers and sisters? Older brother. One older brother. Yep. How far apart are you guys? Two years. Two years. That's great. Yep. Okay. So you guys were together all through elementary school, high school, all that stuff? Yes. Fantastic. What were the sports growing up? Baseball. Baseball, yeah. What position? Well, I didn't make it that far. I got hit by a pitch to get a position. I missed the day they were handing out jerseys. I got hit with a fly ball coming out of the dugout. That was it? Yeah. Well, no, so I made. So I Made it to kid pitch. But that's like the majors. It was huge. And then my dad scared me. Kid pitch. As I was. I was a very nervous fat kid. And I was okay with T ball and coach pitch, even. But that kid pitch, we didn't have coach. I was playing against adults. Yeah. You went from T ball. Right. To kid pitch. Oh, really? Yeah. This is the early 80s. No kid pitch. And then my dad, like, got me a special helmet to protect my face so that, like, it had this, like, big plastic guard on it, so I couldn't really see that well at all. You look like a Mandalorian out there playing. So wait, why. Why did he. Why, after you had been. No, no, I. That was the first time that I got hit in the head. Yes. I was like a bobblehead with that thing on. I think it was just generally, like, cautious about my health and well being because the arthritis was when I was two. Got Blau syndrome. I'm saying, like, the actual thing. Gotcha. Yeah. So you had that already. So they wanted to be careful. Right. Gotcha. Were the kids brutal about that helmet in school? Yeah. Did they tease you about the helmet? No. Oh, the helmet. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. Well, you know the story about, like, when I was in school, like. No, my. Everybody was nice except for, like, the kid with down syndrome who was the one that picked on me. Really? Yeah, because I was, like, really short. My growth. My growth was stunted. And then he didn't, you know, he wasn't the nicest to you. Right. But anyway, is this public school or private school? Public. Public. Where did you go? Conestoga. Conestoga. Oh, I know Conestoga. Okay. Very nice. So hold on. So did you stop playing after kid pitch? Was that the end of the. Yeah, I got two seasons in. You got two seasons in. I was actually. And this is a. This is an ominous thing to say ahead of, like, throwing out a first pitch. But I was a decent pitcher because. Because I. I threw so slow that it was, like, hard to time up. Gotcha. Coming in is like, you're like rookie of the year. The floater at the end. Let him have it. But I was decent. I could throw a strike. Yeah. All right. Huh. Is it garbage to put ketchup on a mashed potato? No, no. Yes, it is. I mean, I'm not saying it's not good on a baked potato. Definitely not. What? I saw my. I saw my uncle. You're saying it's not garbage. Not garbage to put it on your baked potato. I agree. With that. You guys are out of your fucking mind. What do you. Potato is an elevated form of a potato. I mean, listen, if you're getting anything with bacon bits on it, you're getting at a steakhouse. You know what I mean? You're squirting some. Who gets a baked potato at a steakhouse? That's not crazy. That's a classic. Double stuffed or something like that. Twice baked. Yeah. By the way, twice baked is the classiest potato. I loaded. No, once it's loaded. It's not classy. I'll give you that. It's got. It's classy when they give you a little fucking tray and there's a little thing, a little ramekin of chives, a little ramekin of butter and sour cream. That's class. That's a classy potato. I think that. Dude, to me it's like putting it in soup. It's like too much of a liquid to put on mashed potatoes. Hold on. Let me explain myself. Weird, fucked up. Yeah. It's like change. It changes the consistency of the food. True. Let me explain myself. Garbage. Not garbage. I don't know about any of that. It's garbage. I mean, first of all, you should. If you take a baked potato and you slice it into like almost like home fried pieces with the butter on it and hit it with a little ketchup, it's delicious. Well, what we're talking about now though is you've transformed the form of the potato, right? Because what you've made it more of a. A western fry. You've kind of put it in quarters and that. Oh, you have. Fine. You have met. That's fine. You have met the final potato. Boss. Listen fully, gentlemen. I'm going to ask you to both leave the room. Leave me and Mr. Halkius alone. I slap him with a glove. Yeah, this I think we've said before, but it's like the Lincoln Douglas debates for fat guys. But a baked potato, when you slice it up and then especially if you slice it and then pop it back in to get a toast, you've essentially re categorized it as a fry. As a western fry. You said they were putting it back in. I'm just saying if you. I like where your head's at. Don't. Don't tell me you didn't chub up a little bit when you said that. But if it is served as a baked potato, we have baked potatoes.net gang. We have to have some kind of. We have to have some kind of respect for each different form of potato. I'll give you that. You know, like, are you putting fucking ketchup on scalloped potatoes? I would, I would. You can't do shit like that on mash, though. Okay, we'll stick with. Stick with. Let me put it. Where are you. Where there's ketchup available and mashed potatoes at the same time. When is that? On the table or a diner? You're getting mashed potatoes at a diner. I love mashed potatoes at a diner. Really? This is the reason it's absolutely garbage. Because mashed potatoes on their own are almost always garbage. You know, like. Like not good. Teetering on the garbage. Not good or trashy. No, no. You get like a whipped mash at, like a. Sometimes at a diner, I'll get a burger and get mashed instead of fried. That's too many carbs. So fucked up. That's a lot. What's the difference? They're not fried. They're boiled. You're. You. What are you lubricating the burger down your throat? You wanted it to travel down your gullet. Do you dip the burger in the mashed potatoes? A little bit. I don't know who you've been talking to, because I use mashed potatoes as a. As a coat, as a adhesive for the rest of my food on the plate. You get that on this fork and then you can. You dip around, collect everything. But what. Okay, a mashed potato, if it's ever gonna be not trash, is an. Is a. Is a, you know, a side to something with a protein and a vegetable, and it should come with maybe a little. See, that's the thing. If it's not gonna be trash, it does come with some kind of sauce. Maybe an au jus, some other kind of dipping sauce. Sure. But agree, once you take. Once you take the mashed potato and you take it to its lower forms. Boxed, for example. Boxed. Mashed. Never. Not trash. No 100% exists, even at a fucking diner. Mashed potatoes. That the set. I would even say ketchup might be the dividing line to when mashed potatoes become trash or not. Wow. Because if it's. If it's fucked up. To even conceive of asking for ketchup at a place where they have mashed potatoes. That's a classy potato. Yeah. But if. If someone would bring you ketchup without a second thought, it's trash. 100%. Yeah. That waiter's not going to go, sir, please, the chef does not recommend this. Yeah, exactly. He's going to be like, here you go, you need it. You want some mustard, too? You want me to fucking pour mayo down your throat, too? Who fucking cares? Write you some barbecue sauce? Hey, Louie. Louie in the back wants to know if you want a job. Yeah, we're out of dumpsters, so, you know, this is good. I'm glad we went through this thought. Of course. All right, I'll give you that. I'll give you that. There was this one club that my brother would go to, and he would get a bottle of vodka, and if they didn't finish it, they would cork it for you and keep it. And I found out I would. What, like, store credit? Yeah, just go, ah, you didn't finish it. We'll, like, put it in the bag. Do you mind if I come by at 12:00am 12:00pm if I'm having a tough day at work, he's just gonna buy with an orange juice. He topped us all for me. Cut back a little more coffee, come back the next week. There's a bunch of fruit flies in there. Sorry. You know what? We had a real infestation. Your bottle of Grey Goose looks like a science experiment. I got a half a bottle of Rumpelmann's back there. You guys see monkeys? You guys got that Barton's I put back there? Are you guys detailing silverware? I've never heard of that. They cork it. Yeah, they cork it. Oh, the girl must hate you. I don't know the size that she lets out. Where you go, you know what? We're going to get out of here, dude, it's worse. It's worse than you think. So my brother would go on Friday, and I know I'd be like, oh, well, what'd you do last night? He's like, oh, we went over to wherever it was. Denim reds, you know, whatever. Whatever their name. Fusion. Yeah, we would. He'd go, ah, yeah, we got a bottle. Or what? I get word that he corked a bottle. Oh, no. So I would show up the next day. You would eat his leftovers. Yeah, he put on a lot of weight since last night. Did they write your initial? They knew I was. I was like, hey, what's up? And I knew them. I knew, hey, it's. Your brother left. Like, he's coming back, he's coming by. And then you just kill it doing shots. You're just drinking in, like, a menacing way. Your coat's still on. You're just sitting there. You go, no, thanks. I brought a can of Coke myself. And they're like, I got a can of Vanilla, you go. I don't have to tip on this, do I? Can I eat here? Yeah. Oh, thank God. Goes a hoagie. You guys mind if I just pull up here at the bar? What's the address? I'm getting something delivered. Hey, you guys mind? Uber Eats is outside, man. Holy shit. Food coming out in those sexy situations was always a bad luck. Dude, you just. You pulling up to the bar, full winter coat with just the Arizona with an Arizona ice cream. The green tea goes real good with cold vodka. It's got ginseng in it. I'm fighting off something. My doctor said I need more vitamins. This is like a. This is like a cold, hot toddy. So cold toddy. Yeah. Well, that was the end. I did not know clubs did that. I think that place might have just. Cause he was in there spending money. Yeah. Some places you can watch two men fight to the death. Same basement of that place. It was the basement of Pearl. You could see there's a lot of. A lot of things you could see behind closed doors. No, that was. That was the end of my early twenties. Was the end of that where you would get. You would dress up business casual and go to the club. Yeah, that's what I meant. That's when it was like we were in college and that's what you would do. I always felt better at a dive bar, but I had to, you know, that's what. That's what the cool. That's where the broads are going. But it really is. You see your personality when you go to one of those places. I would just sit there on the corner and like, it's. I hate. I genuinely hated how I felt there. Me and my friends went to the friends. All my friends I grew up with, we went to a trip all together for my friend's 30th birthday. So I was still like 29. Everyone's 29 or 30. And we go to Miami and we went to, like the Fountain Blue and I did the same thing. And they were my brother's bachelor party. That's where they went. They, like, waited in line and there were, I think eight of us. You go into the pool of the club. Well, everyone's trying to go to the club, which, yeah, that's what it is. It's the best. They say it's the best. Man, my clubbing days are really coming. You're a promoter. What? He's like, you got two girls you bring with. I can get you in. But we all waited in line like chumps and Then they were like, we can have six of you go in. And there was eight of us. And I turned. I just turned to my friend Zach, who also is now sober. You know, he works the steps. I turned to him and I was like, let's just go to the hotel. We'll just be right. We'll wait for you guys. We'll go to the hotel bar and drink. And we just went and got blackout drunk while they went to the club. We just sat there drinking. That's all I want to do. Off duty cops. That's what you. That's. That's what I would rather do. My boys are over at the club. We're hanging in. I go, it's a. It's fucking dance time for the ladies. When they want to come off, they want to shake their tail feather. We're going to be sitting here getting down to business. I almost. I got so drunk, I almost threw up taking a shot. That's how drunk I got. Oh, I've done that. Where you take it. You go, I used to have a. I used to have a move. I go get me a piece of gum because the ad starts coming up. A gum cancels it out right away. And I would look at. I would look at one of my friends and go, get me a piece of gum. And they knew. They knew the pin was pulled and it was, get out of the way. There's been multiple times, I bet Finnegan's wake, the one that really jumps out. I took a shot and was like, nope. And I just threw up on the floor, Walked out the door and just got in a cab and went home. Good day, gentlemen. I did. I did a similar thing at Playwrights. Across the street from Caroline's. Was drinking with Che. I was already drunk. Showed up. Che bought me. I bought a Guinness and a shot of Jameson. Double shot, Took it, felt it coming back up. Just casually walked away. Walked downstairs, like, almost threw it in. Threw the throw up in the toilet, where I was like, bam. Like that. Came right back upstairs and drank my beer. It's like you flushed the toilet. What was I talking about? Yeah, it really was. Where I go. Anyways, I think the dollar's okay. You always had those bandits. It just didn't sit well. It didn't go down. I don't know what's going on with me. I know what's going on. You've had 18 drinks tonight, dude. I've ordered down the wrong pipe, gang. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Yep, as you know, the holiday Season can be tough mentally. A lot of stuff going on. You get tired, you don't get a lot of sleep, things could start popping up. Listen, whether you got big or small things going on, take your mental health journey seriously and start with BetterHelp. Kevin and I are both in talk therapy and we started with BetterHelp. And they're absolutely fantastic. Yes, this is the time of year. Listen, everybody knows the traditional ones, the screwballs. It's dark out, it's tough. This, that, the other thing, money stresses the whole nine yards. Also, you're spending a lot of time with your family. Maybe that ain't great. Also, maybe you're not spending a lot of time with your family and that ain't great. Either way, talk therapy is a fantastic tool to help you through the hard times. It's like, you don't got to sign up and do it forever. Nope, Just get it, get involved. Use it as a crutch, as a tool to get through. Share your family traditions for the holiday or one that you like to create. This December, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Forget the other people. Take care of you. Our listeners. Put your mask on first. Our listeners. Yes, our listeners. Get 10% off@betterhelp.com garbage that's betterhelphelp.com garbage. Do it. Kevin's talking about Rocket Money. Rocket Money. Rocket Money, baby. When you want to cancel subscriptions, you make it easy with Rocket Money. A lot of people have subscriptions they don't know about and they're getting banged out every month. I've been one of them guys. Sucker. That's why you go to go to Rocket Money. Eliminate those subscriptions right away. Yes. Rocket. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that, that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. That's very important. I was looking at the wrong camera. Grow your savings, baby. A lot of people think, hey, how can I make more money? It's not necessarily the easiest thing to do is stop spending money. It's hard to make more money. It's easier to spend more. It's easier to stop spending money. And Rocket Money helps you do that. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join RocketMoney.com garbage I use it and I've recently using all the apps features is my favorite thing. You sign up, it tracks you. Hey, you got these upcoming charges. Here's all your monthly charges. You can sign up your PayPal, your credit cards, your bank statement, all that stuff, it goes, here's everything that hits monthly. Let us know, we'll clear out. What you don't want, you go. Great. Get Bing, pal. Get him out of here. Next thing it does coming up this week goes, hey, you got these charges hitting this week. Make sure your checking accounts covered. Don't get caught with your pants down. Boom, you got that fantastic feature. Then it also got, hey, about me. No. Then you got, hey, next week you got, you know, hey, you spent this much more last week or this much less last week. It keeps you track. Cool. I'm on top of it. I'm increasing my savings. That's Rocketmoney.com garbage. Rocket money.com garbage. Do it. Do it. You're stealing. I feel like you were stealing. I did start stealing. Yeah. Things on fire a lot, huh? Did you like to burn frogs, Christina? I loved fire. And my dad would go to sleep and I would just play with the fire flames dance. Where? In his house. Like, we would have a fireplace. Yeah, we had a fireplace. And he'd go to sleep, and I would just stay up and, like, throw shit in the fire. I know I would have sent you away if I came down in the middle of the night. You were sitting there worshiping fire. No, thank you. Any vacations? Would you guys go anywhere? Yes. So that's a cool. Part of my parents is, I would say, because they were Europeans, that we traveled very extensively and I had a really nice education, like. Like, now that I think about it. Okay. So my dad would take me to Club Med with him. That's not. That's not education. It's an education. And swinging. That's what that is. That's one step below hedonism. It's crazy, I know. And I didn't realize it until later. Never do shots before dinner. Okay? That's what he would tell me. Yeah. He's like, always eat before you drink. This way you can drink without throwing up. And I was like, okay, dad, these broads will never know what hit them. Wait, hold on. Would you? Yeah. Did you ever go back to Europe as a vacation? You're like, as well travel. We did Key West, Carnival cruises, Martinique. No. So. So we did go to Club Meds in, like, Mexico every. I go to Mexico a lot. Every summer with my dad. He probably loved that for some reason. I love that he was living like that, going through all that. Think of how much he appreciated that. Tight little bathing suit. Bunch of hot frogs down at Club Med, man. Hairy ass chest. I assume, I mean, be. While she's like, fending for her. So you're like, this dude's crushing ass. He's traveling. Meanwhile, she's like machine at a hotel. She has a pyromania problem developing. She's stealing. She's clearly acting. He's living his life. The Indian guy. Who knows where he is. Your dad took you to club which. So I did research it. It did start off as a French sex resort, essentially. I didn't realize that. I just thought it was, like, this fun. Wasn't a Dave and Buster's, I can tell you that. Like, French. It was all in French. And I got to hang out with other like. Like European. Yeah. Other fucked up kids. And we'd run around the village. So they called them the village. And I. I don't know how, by the grace of God. Like, I did not get kidnapped or abducted, molested. So, like, I don't. I think I was, like. My mother was so vigilant about, like, you don't talk to anybody. Everybody's out to get you. So I was very, like. I don't know, sturdy, you know? Well, that's. I mean, when you have to learn to fend for yourself, it's like, you grow up, you have your heads on a swivel of, like, hyper vigilance is what my therapist. Did you guys have that, too? Are you guys as traumatized as me? Yeah, but for. I mean, I wasn't at Club Med with my dad, but it's more psychological. Okay. Yeah. Well, it gets worse. So then he would take me to bars and nightclubs with him in the States when I'm in third grade. Like on third grade school nights. Yeah. Holy school. Wait, school nights? Yeah. This guy cares about American education system. Yeah. You nuts? How were your grades? Were you a good student? No. How can you be when. Yeah, there's no home, there's no stat, you know, he's not like, did you do your homework, Christina? You know what I mean? I said, even know what that is? Are you crazy? We. We would go to this bar in the Valley called the Beef and Barrel. That's a good name. I would like to spend some time at the be. Were you, like the bar kid where everybody's. Oh, Christina. There she. And they go over. They go, here, put the. Give you like $2. I save this for you. Go buy yourself candy. Yes. Meanwhile, you're stealing their wallet. What would a typical dinner be at a bar like that? Some mozzarella sticks, some chicken fingers. Oh, and. And gosh, yes. And I think that those years really Set me up to be a great. Like to be a stand up comedian. Like to enjoy that. That dinginess. It's like I walk into a dive bar and it's like I can tell right away if. If the coke's good. Yeah. Not the drugs. Did you grow up in bars? Grew up and hanging out in bars. Eating chicken fingers at the bar, playing the Photo Hunt. My dad. I mean, my whole family's alcoholic. So am I. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It's just who we are. Yeah. Just Irish construction drunk construction workers. Yeah, I just. I stopped drinking alcohol after I had like 60 days ago. It's horrible. But anyway, the point is, okay, Beef and Barrel. I have the best memories of it, though, because it was the 80s and the music was amazing. So everybody's like, the 80s were the best. I'm like, yes, they were. It was Duran Duran. It was Lionel Richie. It was Frankie Goes to Hollywood. It was, you know, and I'm. And I have this great memory of dancing with Sailors. There were sailors in their outfits in third grade. Third grade. They had just come off whatever break and they were on the dance floor with me and they were like, I'm this novelty. I'm this little girl. Yeah. Like, oh, it's fun. We're dancing, you know, we're having a good time. So fun. And at one point, it's like a wedding. It was so. Yeah, exactly. It was moany. Moni, you know that song by Billy Idols and Sailors? Yeah. There's a thing where they go, hey, motherfucker, get laid, get fucked. Like you sing it. In between. I remember being like, what's this new poem? And I. And I remember chanting it with them. Hey, get laid, get. And I was like, my life couldn't get any better. Like, this is the height of cool. And then I go to school the next day. I went to a nice Lutheran school and like, how do you explain to other kids that you. What you're doing. Chanted with sailors? Yeah, they were home watching the A team last night. Yeah. You're at a bar fight. Dorks. So you weren't good in school. What were the sports situations? Did you. Did you. Yeah, I played sports growing up. Base. You know, baseball was probably the most consistent. Played to us 13. And then after, like, after about that, I played basketball, but I got cut every year from my high school basketball team. Okay. So. Got tenacity, though. Keep going back. I played for my church. Okay. Church had a basketball team. Yeah. Church had a basketball team. Yeah, there's church. Basketball was like, kind of a thing. Oh, I know what you mean. Like CYO league. All right. That's what we have. Catholic Youth League. Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah. Ours was Nashville Baptist Association. There you go. And so pretty good. We. We. Yeah, I played church. I was graded. You were good on that team. Yeah. Okay. I should have made the team at some point in my high school. I think at least one year. I should have got thrown a bone. First year. My dad was the assistant coach. Still did not make. Jesus. Yeah, he cut me. That's a cutthroat clown right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't mess around. Yeah, that's crazy. And then after this. So then after that, the coaches kept the tradition and then cut me the rest of the. So you would go home after school, and then he would come home a couple hours later from basketball practice. Got a big trophy. Trophies. Yeah, yeah. Here's what you know. Fun little thing, though. I'll tell you. I gave my high because my high school is my only alumni. So I gave my high school money and my name is on the court now. Are you kidding me? That's a baller move. So we're in there. Is it the Nate Bargettsy basketball court? So over at Bargetzi courts. Wait, we've had a lot of. We've had a lot of people come in and do a lot of cool things. That might be the coolest thing I've heard. And how small of a town are we talking? What did you graduate with? How many kids? So I went. I graduated 56. What? And then. So very small. You didn't make the basketball team. Half of them are girls. More than half, statistically. Yeah, but they were good. They were good. That makes it sound worse. Sky hooks all day. I never thought about how bad it was. Yeah, yeah. That's tough, man. 50. I'm not gonna say a couple hundred. 56. Man, that is vicious. Are you double teeing? That's it. Together. That's one. That's one Te, which is very trashy. You have a dicky T on that might be the trashiest thing you do. What the hell? That's for kids, dude. It is. Is that reversible too? It can be, yeah. Listen, I saw. I clocked that the second you did. You were like. I was like. No way am I bringing that up. You got some balls, chubby. That's the goddamn balls. What time are school pictures, huh? I apologize for it. Super trashy, right? It's probably an expensive shirt, though. It's so expensive. These rich guys don't know what the they're doing. How much was that shirt? I don't remember. I really don't. A couple hundred? Yeah, probably a few hundred bucks. No. Now, what are you doing these days that you're all slimmed out? Are you. Do you have a stylist? You're who I want to be. I look at you and I. You are not. I know. Trust me, I know. But I got. You went bald quite well. You got the good facial hair. You trimmed up. That's what I'm trying to do. But I'm leaning more towards this way. I have been farting so much. What, here? Well, no, I went in there just to fart. Gentlemen. Disrespectful. It was like a 15 second fart, though. Okay. I think it's all the protein bars I'm eating. They really let you rip. Ass. Goddamn barbells will get you. I'm just. I'm turning down things I want to eat. That's it. That's the only way. That's how you do it, dude. That's. And here's the thing. And it's not great. It's just like, I'm. I think I still live with hope. Do you do that where, like, you'll be like, oh, I'll look like this one day and I. Yeah, no, you're. Dude, you're my goal. Yeah, you're in there. What do you mean? That's not a great goal. Are you not where you want to be from my side of the Fed? What. What, do you want to disappear? No, I think I. But I mean, you kind of want to, like, tighten up. Yeah. Guy, how old are you? I just turned 46. 46. No kidding. Yeah. Most people. By the way, I did. I remember this from just like a couple weeks ago. I did. I did msg. Yeah, I know. Yeah. And. And Jimmy Miller, who I work with as a manager, of course, comes over, we have a dinner afterwards. And this is so funny to me, but he's like. He goes. I was. You know. He's like, congratulations, big night. You're msg. It's a huge deal. He goes, guess. When the Beastie Boys first did msg, I was like, oh, that's good trivia. I was like, I don't know. He's like, we'll take a guess. I was like, 90. It's probably 2006 or something. No, 84. Whoa. 84. And then he goes. Then the next thing, he goes, and so he goes, so you're 52? And I go, what? He goes, you're 52? Like that? Like you're 52. And I go, I'm 45. He goes, oh, okay. Well, forget I brought it up. He's like, just so you were like 5 years old. I go, wait a minute. Why'd you think I was 52? Because I just looked at you. I was like, everybody always has it. Since I was 17, has been like, when I was 17, I didn't even have to get a fake. I had a fake id. But I would walk in, they'd be like, what do you want? Just like this. I look like this. People were like 27. I'm like, I'm 17 years old. And it's never changed. But you carry yourself of the vibe sometimes. Yeah, I'm a guy who's over it. Oh, yeah. Like you, like you're sitting like you're 55. Yeah, yeah. That's what I get a lot. I'm 49 and I always thought you were older than me. You and I would 100% guess that you're younger than me. Like, I would really. I would never assume that you're older than me. Huh. You carry yourself in a fatherly man's man type of way. It's a double T kind of way. I used a double T. It's the double. You have a nice jacket out there covering the double teeth. I did have a jacket on. That's right. You look sharp in your jackets and stuff. Thanks, man. Thank you. Not that you don't look sharp now. No, I appreciate it, man. I don't know why you think you're offended. You look sharp. Not that. You know, I would like to disrespect you after I made fun of your little boy T shirt. You got your whole pass on you. I should, I should. I should have a whole pass. I hear the sex is better than ever. Well, the sex is better than ever because Yanni, my wife, lost the weight. Yanni's weighing in at 196 now. It's the first time I see my lady. She did. Yeah. First time I see my lady under two hondo powers. Yanni, you did come in. Really? First day of school in it. You got the new boots on. That's a guy whose wife dressed him. Put on your boots. He's got his brand new car art boots on. Ain't never seen me outside. You know what I. You know what I really, I really don't like now about this era is every person asks Me? Are you doing something Ozempic? What are you on? Yeah, naturally. Yeah. And then you say, no, I'm just on repressed childhood memories. That's what I'm eating. I just. It's all. It's called depression. It's called depression. They don't know the value of an old weight bench in the garage. Oh, yeah. Cranking it out to some Blue Oyster culture. You know, the problem is my. The ceiling in my garage is too low, so I can't get a treadmill or else I'd go through the shuttle. You think that's a garage? I was gonna say, what is it? That's a crossing. It's only for convertibles. Yeah. Unfortunately, my garage is a little bit of a problem. It's got low ceilings. Why don't you get a lift for the garage? Why don't we raise the ceiling a little bit? Raise the roof. Wait, hold on. That doesn't make any sense. How do you get the car in there? The car? When I pop the hood, I have to control the pop so it doesn't hit the. I gotta open it by hand. What? So if you had. But. So if you had, like, an suv. You can't get one in there. You can't get one. Is it a drop ceiling? It's a. No, it's not even a drop ceiling. It's just when they built it, it was just. I guess it was built for Chinese. Right. Is it connected to the house or a detached garage? Standalone. It's underneath. It's underneath. Oh, you're on a hill. I'm not interested. He's on a hill. That's what matters. In the suburbs. It's on a hill. Yeah. That's a kid who should have been in construction. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, hold on. It's underneath. It's underneath the house. It's underneath the house. Underneath the floor of the house. Yeah. So you go down his driveway. Yeah. You have one of those. We got a nice clean coat of white that's covering up the. All the imperfections so it looks like a finish. Gorgeous. Wait, you have a driveway that goes down the driveway? Goes down the hill. Whoa. Yep, down the hill. So it's very old school. Queens, Brooklyn. Yeah. I killed Joe Pesci right there. Throw him down. Yeah, yeah. I just. I'm not interested in a house. For me, the garage. You're renting again? I'm renting again. This kid's all. He calls me, I buy a house, we start talking. How's the house going? I go, gregor's best decision you can ever make. Next text right away goes, I sold my house. I'm going back to an apartment. Chris, he's got two roommates again. I said, listen, the mortgage rates are the lowest I've ever been in history. I bought during that time. I said, let me wait till they triple, then I'm gonna sell. That's what I did. And that's what I did. Because I like a little bit of the chaos. And it's a regrettable decision. But I will tell you this is. I've looked. I've been trying to look at a couple of houses again, and I'm just listening. Anyone on Zillow? Anyone listening to me? Any real estate agents that I may or may not hire because I'm always firing them and hiring them. I'm not looking for houses with detached garages. I need the garage attached to the house because that's where I put the gym. I don't pull my car into the garage. I put my gym equipment in the garage and I leave the car outside the garage and I just wipe the fucking snow off. Like an American. Yeah, it's actually, it's an American way to do it. Did you, you made a few bucks on the house? The Staten island house? I made a few bucks on the house, but I consider breaking even making a few bucks. Well, I was gonna say if you, if you consider a few. If you, if you consider making a few bucks, which I do. Right. If you consider making a few bucks, meaning $4, then yes, because I completely renovated the entire kitchen and bathrooms. And then you, baby, I sold it a month later. You never got into. When you were gonna make the pool all one level? No, I did do that as well. Yes. And then he turned his pool into a koi pond. He spent a couple coins on renovating it for the nice guy. And then the beautiful Palestinian and family that bought it, they are enjoying a nice new home. That's good. You're a good guy. Well, that's what it said. I said, you know, that's the one way I'm helping with the war here, you know, as I gave the Palestinians a home on Staten island. And then. But I also, you know, I got. With a two foot pole. Yeah. I gave the Palestinians my house and I gave the, my Jewish accountant the money transaction. So I helped both sides. And that's why we've been on the horn with Netanyahu, trying to figure out how to get it back. Yes, yes, Netanyahu. Netanyahu said that like AI. He made it sound like he's an Apache. Yeah. And I don't know why his face isn't on chocolate drink bottles and they're calling them netting. You who? I don't know why they're not doing that, because every time I hear that guy's name, it makes me think of a fucking Yoo Hoo. And I think they should combine the marketing. Yeah, Kip, let's talk about Chime. Shout out to Chime. Chime is changing the way people bank. Feel free and smarter banking. Built for you. Not like old school banks to charge you overdraft and monthly fees. Built for you. Not the 1 percenters, the regular people that do the living and dying out there. All right. Chime isn't just another bank app. They unlock smarter banking for everybody. For everyday people. With the products like My Pay giving you access to up to $500 of your check anytime, getting paid for up to two days early. Look at that with direct deposit. Some old banks still don't do this. They're bozos. They're jamming you up. They're behind the times. Do Chime bank free plus overdraft coverage you can count on can help build your credit history. Stress free. You get paid. Get paid when you say up to $500 earn up to 3.5% APY on savings that's 8 times higher than traditional banks. 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Chime Card on time Payment history may have a positive impact on your credit score. Results may vary. See chime.com for details and applicable terms. Close your eyes. Exhale. Feel your body relax and let go of whatever you're carrying today. Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-contacts. Oh, my gosh, they're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-contacts.com today to save on your first order, 1-800-contacts. Hey, gang, check out this short clip from the Route 66 tour on our YouTube page. I'm not even lying. I just shit my pants. What happened at the garage? Hey, how are you? You guys had a bad. You saw that, huh? I'm curious as to what. Do you want to get out in front of this thing? These are dangerous questions. Are those the shorts you were wearing? Unfortunately, they are. Dude, that's disgusting. Hang on. Unless you were wearing plastic underwear, which I do not think you were. It didn't go gross. No, dude, that's insane. I'm telling you, it did not get to the outer layer. What you may know is the upper atmosphere, it stayed within the molten core of the budgie. The underwear, on the other hand, didn't make it. Thank you. You're welcome. I appreciate your hospitality. I mean, I've seen you go to the bathroom a lot. I've never seen you walk out with evidence. There's an old street joke of a guy's trapped on a desert island with Cindy Crawford and they have sex for like two years. It's awesome. And then finally, at like the end of two years, she's like, you know, we've done everything. What do you want me to do now? And he goes, hey, put this mustache on. She puts the mustache on. He goes, guess who I'm fucking? I never heard that one. That's pretty good. We saw Cindy Crawford. Go ahead. You guys use that. Oh, yeah, we saw. We ruined her dinner. Ruined her. We ruined her dinner in la. Would fully eat it. Skinny broad. You're not gonna finish that? That breadstick's got my name on it. What happened? I mean, she was the one. And. You know what's so funny? I'm such an idiot. And we had been drinking. We were like day drinking. And we went out to dinner. Luke's. Luke's a cool young guy. Picked a cool young spot where we at Frankie and Johnny's. Marvin's. Marvin's out there. And La La Land. Hollywood. Goddamn Hollywood. Hollywood. You gotta show face a little bit, you know? Town. And I was pretty up and they Were sitting right behind. We were like, bumping. And it was just a bad scene. Like, we were like, you know, was her. Her daughter, her husband and Austin Butler. So her husband also owns Casamigos. I did not know that. Oh, yeah, yeah. Her son. Her daughter is also a famous supermodel. Kaya Gerber. Pete Davidson. Yeah. Really? They were. They had a little fling, man. A trip. I love them. Oh, yeah. I want to smell that hog. I love him. That's all right. Yeah, I gotta. I got a thing with Gerber, too. He's hot. He doesn't like him. Oh, shit. This is my. This is my room. We might not be able to get a table at Marvin's ever again. You start talking shit. What's wrong? You. You prefer burger? Randy Burger. Wait, what's up with you and Gerber? Nothing. I don't even know the guy. He just doesn't like the advertisements. And he doesn't like that he's that close to George Clooney. Yeah, he wants to be friends with Clooney. We all do. Because the Casamigos got started, they were so rich and so cool that turns. They. They bought vacation homes in Mexico. And they kept saying they couldn't find a smooth tequila in Mexico. What are we talking about? That's like not being able to find fucking coke in Colombia. What? Are you lying? You got a bad hookup. Is he the guy on the motorcycle? He's the other guy. I always wonder who the fuck that was. He's a huge restaurateur. Yeah. He's a hunk, too. Hunk? Yeah. He kicked the shit out of me, too. But they. They came up with Casamigos just for their friends. Wow. And we're friends. And then they. The story is that they made a big order. And the order was so big that they had to, like, get a license if they were making that big of an order. In bottles. Like, they ordered like a thousand bottles. So they were like, oh, let's just sell it to the public. It's fucking billion dollars. They sold it for a billion. I heard he gave 14 friends a million each. Yeah. That's not too shabby. Not too shabby. Wow. I don't get any ideas. What. Give it out. I'm a Porosos man. Just gentlemen. We. But I saw Cindy. I walked back from the bathroom, pretty up, and like, I see her, and I literally, in my head, I went, that's a good looking older broad. That's all she read at one point. I was, like, in love with her. She was the Hottest girl in the world. And that's how stupid I was. Like, that's a pretty good looking older broad. That's what she registered us. She's gorgeous. Still looking good. Hanging in there. Real good. Yeah, we ruined their dinner. Laughing, talking. Yeah. One other bottle of wine just like, you know, it was. I. I will say cosmico is not the best tequila. It's like a weird taste to it. Weird. It's got that vanilla taste. And the hangover is brutal and everybody uses it. That's the fucking. That's the go to now they got in as the tequila. Yeah. Somehow Crazy. Yeah. I like a Don Julio, 1942. I'm a bodega cat man myself. Just saying. We got it on the shelf back there. Hey. Oh, you got the old bottle. That's. Well, give me a new one. Ship it, fatty. I'll send it right over. Charge me for it. Oh, shit. Yeah. I thought that was understood. Shipping and handling. How you're gonna start. How are you gonna start to the wholesale prices? This is good garbage. I went to Vecchione's wedding down in Florida. Right? Yeah, yeah. And I've lost weight and I. You look great. I look great. Thank you, man. And I know, I know that. So I told Christine was meetin me down there and I go, hey, can you just bring like one of my black pairs of dress pants? That's bad. And black shirt. That's real bad. If you don't know the wardrobe. Well, they're all the same size. It doesn't matter. I was like. And they're gonna be a little big on me. So I was like, you know, make sure you bring a belt. I got a belt. That's even sweeter. People are complimenting you. It's baggy, huh? Sure. Yeah. Except I was even thinking to myself, I'm like, maybe this is a tuck the shirt in situation. That's what you're thinking. Maybe that's been a while for you. When was the last time you tucked a shirt in quite some time. It's been quite some time. 15, 20 years. It's been a long time. I mean, where I've. Yeah, my wedding. That's pretty good though. Yeah, yeah. So that's. That's a long time ago, but. So I was like, maybe I'll tuck my shirt in. And then when I'm putting the clothes on, first thing I put the. I go to pull the pants up where the shirt already looks hilarious on me. It's so wide is what looks so funny on it. So it's like, it looks like I'm wearing my dad's shirt. And then I go to put the pants on. I mean, when I pull them up, they're not touching my body at all. Yeah. Whoa. And I was like, shit. I was like, well, thank God I have a belt. When I go put the belt on, it's suspender pants. There's no belt on. There's no loops. There's no loops. I'm finding this out 30 minutes before we're supposed to be at wedding. Did you have suspenders on you? Nope. Why would you? What I had was. What is it? Carrot Top? Robin Williams? Are you doing your Gallagher bits anymore? What I had was that belt that then became. I wore it. I left the shirt untucked, and I put the belt around the pants like a hillbilly with a rope keeping up his jeans. And then flipped them over. Yeah. Whoa. And then had to go. And everyone's going, hey, man, why aren't you dancing? I can't dance. Jay, we know you love to dance. Why are you not out there on the dance floor? I have a song in my heart. I love to move my body, but I can't tonight. They would have fell. I'm only doing stuff. Dancing. Every time I moved around, I felt like it was starting to come through. Pull it back up. You got your heart shaped boxers on. Why are you dancing? I don't want to dance. It's stupid. Just sitting there with your jacket still on. That's so. That's a lot of weight loss. Have you. I mean, those fit, right? Yeah. Those are new. Yeah. 36. Get the. What size shirt you doing? XL2X. What do you say? Yeah. XL36. God damn. It's not supermodel. It's under the belly still. Yeah. That's all gentlemen here. That's okay. Who you think I am, Matt Damon or something? It's not even a great example. I wish I could get down to Matt Damon size. We bought a zoo Matt Damon. I ever tell you that I had surgery? I'm no Vincent d'. Onofrio. You'll appreciate this. I had surgery. My, like, middle range bodies. He goes, what am I, Michael Rapaport over here thinking I'm gonna buy an extra large shirt? I had surgery on my arm and my. And my hand and I couldn't butt My, my. They were jean shorts. I vividly remember. It was September. I wore jean shorts to the hospital. Nice. So I had a way I should have worn, like, going in the way you want to go out, slide you right into the casket if it don't work out. We have Sabu from ECW coming on skates tonight. And I was, I watched. So I watched the documentary about ECW again, I've watched a long time ago. And I was like, oh, that's what it was. That's why it was my time, the late 90s. Dude, jean shorts ruled the world. Yeah, they did. Everybody cool was wearing jean short. Yeah. I even let go of that. Yeah. It's funny because even dads were wearing them and it's still they. They lived in separate, you know, lanes. Yeah, yeah. There's about a 3 inch, 4 inch inseam between father and Ghostface Killer. Yes, it really is. It's interesting. Yeah, I had to have my mom because, you know, you're a bigger guy. Jeans are typically tighter on you, you know what I mean? And I had to have her button them. And I remember she was like, didn't. Had never buttoned pants on somebody with a gut, let alone her 12 year old little sweet boy. And she was like, do you go above it or under it? I'm like, just fucking do it. She shut up. You know, My mom got the job at Casual Male, Big and Tall so she could afford fat clothes for her son. She was regional manager. She worked her way up the ranks of casual Male, Big and Tall. She brought that up the other day again, I was like, kept you and Tommy. Kept you in Tommy. Bahamas all through high school. My mom called me the other day and goes, this is such a funny thing. She goes, oh, remember when I was younger when I worked? She goes, me and my friend Janine went out to a club and at like 4:15 in the morning, we got the idea. We left the after hours and we got the idea drunkenly like, let's drive to the corporate offices of our job in Boston. And she goes, so we started driving right then to Boston. She goes, we only got as far as New York though. And then we just kind of like, bad idea. And we just slept in a. We slept in a parking lot and went home. And I was like, corporate offices for what company? And she goes, big and tall. Cash, mail. Big and tall. Like, wait, this is when I was alive? Yeah, you were nine. You were home. I was like, where was I? She goes, with your mom. Mom. I'm like, that makes sense. You were at Bubba's house. I was at my mom's. Oh man, that's a tough. But my mom, it's like, damn. Is that what you were doing in your downtime? What was they Gonna do get trash till 4:15. I don't know, like storm the fucking place. Fight Club Jean's are always hot. My mom was a manager of a retail place, so it was just hot young girls for her friends. It was great. It is funny now watching them all age though. I saw Janine not long ago. Came to my show in Philly. My mom brought her and I was like, you see? Holy shit. You feel terrible because I'm, I'm. She's like. She goes, oh my God, look at you. You look great. And you're like, bam. You are look so much. Not as great as when I remember you. You were so young and hot when I remember you. What happened? That's funny. My mom's friends watched him get like obese through the years. Yeah, When I was younger I was like, damn, she's got the best tits. Smoking. Yeah. And now you're like, she walks with a fucking something that has like a fucking tennis ball on the bottom of it. She's got the four thing, the four point cane, four prong cane. She has an elbow pad and like that carpal tunnel hand wrap. Buddy, that is the sign. The girl. Any lady who's always got a fucking wrist guard on it. Bowling wrist guard. Yeah, dude, like, what have you done in your life? Throwing turkeys? That's a lot of hand jobs. If you meet a girl at a bar at this point and fuck her that night, you're definitely gonna hear the sound of that Velcro. You gotta slide it off. It's got that sweat on it. Little clammy. It's gamey inside. It's warm, It's. It's like 10 degrees warmer. You see her forearm hairs matted down. Were you a good student growing up? And how was the household growing up? You, your mom, your dad and your brother. Quiet. What you would mean by suburban neighborhood, right? I think I was. I was. I was not a good student until I got put in the. They put me in the school that. My dad was a teacher. And then he was. So sometimes your dad's a teacher and kids get away with everything because their parents can pull some levers. And now I got spat on by one boy whose mother was not even a teacher. She was like an assistant teacher. And I. We couldn't. I couldn't do anything. I got in trouble for. What did he spit on you for? Probably all that stuff. I heard your dad to come. There was some of that. There was some of that. I was. I was giving him a bit of the chat. I was I was sipping with that comment. I got into too many fights. I got into too many fights. Well, I started out with some fist fights and wasn't very good. And. What? I'm ashamed. No, I'm ashamed to say I. I kicked the boy in the testicles. First time was an accident, but people were afraid of me. After that, that became your move. I did it twice. I did it three times. I was like stone cold. I literally, in six months, I kicked three boys in the morning. I like it. Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. And then people were afraid of me. Not in a good way. Not like, he's so tough. It's like, stay away, stay away, stay away. You can. He's got a problem. I kicked a boy in the testicles. I kicked a boy in the. Yes, He's a good friend now. Hey, Nick. Sorry. You can't have kids called Nicky Sopranos. I believe. I believe he's brought children into this world at least once again. There you go. But I do remember he vomited up the stairs as he was walking away trail. I feel very bad about it. Why did you kick him? What was the argument? Isn't that always the way? Who can remember? That's the move. No, I shouldn't have done it. Take a switch. I had a late pug. I was the smallest boy by a lot. How late's late? I was the oldest soprano, the boys choir. It was late. It was like what you would say I was. I would have been 16 when my voice broke. Okay, yes. Were you in the choir for real or no? Yeah. What were the. What were the extracurricular activities? I did them all. Did you play? No. I squeezed in the nut stumping between. I did debating. I did chess. I did. I tried all the normal sports and was shit at them. So I started doing the ones that the obscure thing did. Squash, squash and bed squash. Exactly. It's tennis, but really dull. And the Saudis love it. Okay. What'd you do in Philly? Any of the old haunts? Did you go around? You get any good food? What's a guy like you, you know, you're headlining a nice weekend down there. That shout out, hand out flyers or something. What'd you do? It was. It was awesome. He's parking. Packed it out. Hey, we're big fans of Packing it Out. Packing it out? It's not sold out, but it's backed out. Not so close to sold out. Punchline, close Post feature and headliner. Oh, me save a little money, you got more Money? I commuted. I'll bring myself up. I commuted from my mother's house in Delaware. Kept the travel by office. Did you really? No. I stayed at the hotel. The only guy to ask to pick up a waiting table station while he's working. Hey, guys, why the feature's up? I can do some food running. I just won 15 all gratuity. You know, I could park ours until about 30 minutes into the show, right? Just light them and I'll. What I do. Oh, I ate way too many cheesesteaks. Where'd you go? Oh, I went to Campos. I got gyms at 2 in the morning. The late show was rough. Had to eat it away. And then I got Campos again. And then Geno's. Last night in, I wanted to go to Steve Princess Steaks, but I didn't have enough time. Let me do WMMR Friday morning at like 8am, which was awesome. And then I did some black show where it's for Fox Soul and they got a little feisty. I threw some honey chows in there. What are you talking about? There's on Fox Philly 29. There's a Fox Philly Soul Station? Yeah, it's. It's Fox 29. Dancing Shoot Shoe day. You shoot Dayu Sho spinderella, y'. All. And now Ian finance with the weather. Man, it's hot. As in this going to be some wind. You going to have to keep your hats on. About to bust out my sh. Pants. I apologize. They go. They go, ian, what do you think about this Drake and Kendrick beef? And I go, fellas, I think that beef is expired. Man, you the weirdest white I ever met. A comedian. This boy comes straight out to school. Tattoos and turquoise jewelry. Cherokee. He ain't on my block. Coming here like a seminal. May have to cut this right. What are we doing? Sorry, Ms. Ian, you a wild one. I said, old child, you don't even know. You bring the spice, I'll bring the flavor. Now, I heard you like to get a little freaky deaky. I heard you like to swing both ways. Now, I have here that you swing both ways. So switch. You need a lord. We would call that the DL. Just a regular black guy trying to figure you out is going straight to hell. We had Ms. Pat on the podcast and she was like, I ain't never been around something like this before. Oh, my God. I was like, but you have a gay daughter. She's like, but she ain't like you. No, Tattoos ain't the only thing that's colorful. Oh, Jeez So the weekend was good? Weekend was good. Weekend was good. Went to the old Laugh House. Did you board it up? Yeah. Shaner and Drew Montana ended up getting coffee right across the street. So we were just telling old Philly stories and it was really fun. And then I went to Reef Records. What do you want me to say? I had a bunch of cheese steaks bombed on local tv. I didn't. I cried. Rushed on local tv. Let me tell you, they made a clip. They liked it a lot. Got caught in a rainstorm. What more do you want from me? Whoa. Got broken up with in between shows. Now we get to it. Yep. Yep. Was this the. Let the mania begin. Didn't sleep much. Going up the rails I didn't need a train Call me back. I know where you live. Trying to kill yourself with cheese Whiz? Well, dude, it was funny. She broke. Broke out with me via text in between shows, and we thought it'd be funny to take a picture with me and a knife up to my neck and be like, you need to talk to me right now. Rethink this. Who's the Wii? You and the other voices in your head. I. I thought I was at the comedy club. Turns out I was just. I'm sorry to hear that, man. Yeah. Sorry, dude. Was this a new thing? Was it fresh? Had it been a while? We met, like, two months ago. Okay. At a whirlwind week in la. I. This was the. You you had just met. The last one when we did your podcast. You had just met. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. We were razzing you at the time for that. Yes, yes. So it was a long distance thing. Yeah. But she came to visit New York. Really fun. And then when she went back to la, she was like, look, like, I. You are weird. That apartment is grody. I got it cleaned. I saw your Fox Soul segment, and I've never been more in love. So, yeah, she, bro, was like, look, I. I want to be, like, in a very committed relationship. I don't think we're going to be compatible. And I was like, all right. They, like, threw me off. You even mean compatible? Two weeks later, I see her. It was great. We get back together. I asked her if she wanted to go steady. She said yes. And then live at my mom's. Broke up with me two days later. Hope you like cats. But there were, like, a lot of red flags. So when she was like, hey, this is you. I was. No. With her. I'm a green flag. What? I'm a fun time Guy wouldn't name a red flag about me. Can't see. It starts and ends with the rings. These are good. That's too much silver. No, it's not. Are you hunting vampires? Rings are good because when they come off, it means business. My eyes go black, like wing of crow. Ian only fingers. Yeah, maybe that was something. Ah. Do you have anything in her place that you have to go back and get? Just a bunch of Minion stuff. I gave her Red flag number two. She told me she really loved the minion rides at Universal. Hey, I told you, I've never seen the movie, okay? I said, they're kind of cute. I stole her a bunch of minion stuff and gave her one. And then the more I gave her, the more I had to be like, ah. Are you gonna ask him for them back? Yeah. Can I please have my minion bucket hat back, Please? You and the minions all in the car driving across country. He's in the backseat. He's not even driving. I said left. We'll find her soon. Can't think of why she decided to think about it. Yes, there goes steady. She said okay, because she didn't. She was afraid in the moment. And then he sent her a bunch of minions and then a picture with a knife up to his throat. No, no, that was a joke. I didn't send it. Should I? We were working. It was a gun. We were bouncing bits. Yeah, it was just a bit. My dad jacked me up one time. I was in a. I think I was in, like, second grade, and I think I hit this girl. He jacked you up? Yeah, the girl. I hit a girl. I hit a girl every time. He did kind of have it coming. I got to tell you. Like, every time I hit, something happen to me. I needed it. Sure. And so I remember I was. Picked me up from school. They called and picked me up from school. And he just was. We was riding back and he just was like. He took me to get food. He was like, hey, listen, what you did was fucked up, but I'm gonna get you, but I'm not gonna tell you when. And he took me to food. We were talking, having a good time. We got in the house, I was chilling, and he just came over. Don't you ever do a shit like that ever again. The sneak attack. Yeah, that's mental warfare. Got me. I was like, I never ever, never, ever would do nothing like that. Yeah. Why would they do that shit? Why would they play it cool for a little while? You think you're getting away with it. Then all of a sudden, I can't wait to be a parent. I'mma be the best mental abuser ever. What? I'm wait like two weeks. Don't say nothing. I forgot. Fuck. Nigga, wake up. Damn. All right. Any sports in high school? Play basketball. Play basketball. You good basketball player? I was. I was decent. I had a. So I never really had the grades to play a full season until my senior year. A full season. So I always played like half a season. My freshman year, I got in a fight with my teammate about who played more. We both didn't play. Sure. I got in a fight in a. We fought in away team bathroom. We got an away game, we fought the bathroom. I almost died. Jesus. Why? I was. Cause like, I was a small kid my freshman year. But I could fight a little bit. I had some hands a little bit. So we was in a fight and I was fucking him up. I was beating the shit out of him. And then my brain just went. My dad came in and started kicking my ass. But my brain just went. Hit him with the razzle dazzle. So I tried to pick him up. Cause everybody was recording a fight. And then when I went to go pick him up, he grabbed my, like, lower body. And all I remember is somebody going, don't kill Cam. And they caught me like right before I was gonna hit the ground, like crack your head open or something. Yeah, he was gonna fuck me up. That's a pretty good fight though. Yeah. In the. Dude, a fight in the away team's locker room. That's pretty respectful. Nah, it was. It was dope. So I got kid off the team for that. And then my sophomore year, I got back on the team. We had a new coach. Cause that. The old coach we hated was like, you'll never play basketball at this school level again. Then he went to a different school. He got fired. So we got a new coach. And then I got back on the team. Didn't have the grades to play. Didn't play. Second half of the season, when I got back on the team, I cussed out my Spanish teacher. Sure. Cause she was a bitch. She had it coming. She definitely had to come. I wasn't trying to learn Spanish. I wasn't going to college. So I didn't give a fuck about it at all. And then she was a black lady too, which was okay, whatever. So she. I was never gonna learn Spanish. Cause my first year was a Russian lady teaching me Spanish. I didn't know what the fuck she was saying. Sure. Second year was A black lady. She was cool, but she was a bitch. So I was asleep one day and then she was like, you gotta wake up. And I said, hey, bro, you gonna let me sleep or you gonna shut the fuck up and leave me the fuck alone? And my. I didn't realize that the JV coach was next door. You just told him Immediately. And they keep my team for that? Well, just for the record, she kind of was right. You're sleeping in class. Oh, yeah. I mean, listen, every time I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I will get you. I've admitted every time. Every time I'm wrong, I'll be wrong as shit, man. Wrong as fuck. What was the vacations like when you were a kid? Would you guys. We always think everybody living in Orlando. You went to Disney World like every three days? Fuck no. Now hell no. Disney World is a cassima. I don't know. Vacation. Nothing. Really? Nothing? No, not that I could. Oh, shit. That's a first. No vacations at all. I like it. Maybe we did. He's a bad kid. I wouldn't take him anywhere either. He fucking causing a problem everywhere he went. I wouldn't know why. With my mom, when I was a kid, that's a huge vacation. But she's a flight attendant. She gets the buddy pass or whatever. It was dope. That was cool. My mom got married, we got friends. I went to wild. My mom was like 10 years old. There you go. That's the only one. That's the one I can really remember. Oh, in Tennessee. Yeah. That's a vacation. With my family reunion. And. Nice. My dad and got mustard in my eyes. Wow. How I was. It was on my. It was with my stepmom's side of the family and my. So your dad got remarried? Yeah. Yeah. Gotcha. And so she had been married my whole life. She obtained my diapers and shit. So I went over to. We went to Tennessee. They got a cabin. And my sister's cousins was playing this game called don't go to sleep or you gonna get mustard in your eyes. Pretty descriptive game. And I was tired. Cause I was the youngest. I went to sleep and they put mustard in my eyes. Jesus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how the game. Right. It kind of lost the game. It's a fucked up game. Was the family reunion every year. Did you guys do one every year? Yeah, in Gainesville, Florida. My mama's side. Yeah, man. That's all right. That was probably a good time. It was dope. Yeah. Yep. I put pee in a water Bottle one time and chased my cousins around with it. Cause I couldn't catch them in tag, man. This guy. Chemical warfare. Fuck. He got piss bombs. Jesus Christ. You're the. I mean, you are the weirdest guy I've ever met. I was not expecting that. I got some childhood stories. Jesus Christ. Oh yeah. I remember my granddad. My granddad was so mad at me about that shit. Cause I couldn't catch nobody. I was mad as fuck. And then like we were playing tag and I remember I went to the bathroom and I came back out with a water bottle. And it was yellow. And they didn't realize at first. But then my cousin was like. He got pissed in the water bottle and they just started hitting. And I was squirting that ass like this. Yeah, it was crazy. I was in time about two hours for that one fucking problem child. So you're in timeout for about two. That's not bad. Two hours for a piss bump. Come on now. That's easy time, dude. I stand it on your head. How was your mom in the kitchen? Good cook. She gonna cook for four? No, no. Okay. My mom can't cook for shit. Hell no. When she tries, she make a red velvet cake. Did that work? That worked. Let's make a cake for you. Damn. So I can make a cake, Dan. I've never had someone flex a red velvet cake. That's a high end cake, dude. That's a. I'll give you that. They cook for red velvet cake though. On your ass. My friend Ron, Barry's brother Randy Barry was on the Real World. And he would party with us all the time. Who was he on the Real World? He was Randy from the Real World. San Diego. And girls used. They used their fucking pussies would melt off when they saw him. Oh, I remember this guy was hot, dude, didn't he? I. I've never seen people flip out more than a Real World. We'd be at like a PC bar, Providence College, which is like hot Irish hockey. Girls that are kind of like, you know, everybody's favorite. You know what I mean? Girl freckles kind of beat 7, 2 to 8, 4. Every one of my cousins feels. Shout out, Bridget. Oh yeah. Stop it. Kids gotta type. Oh yeah. Jesus Christ. Like field hockey girl. That's the one. You know, like kind of funny. Really good sense of humor. Does like physical humor. Yeah, they run through doors and shit. Chucks a beer in your face. They're like Chris Farley, the girl. Yeah. Yeah. But they're kind of pretty. That's that's my type. So I. And we'd go to PC with this guy. It was like. It was literally like bringing like fucking Spanish fly. Like, it was. It was like kicking a bottle of Spanish fly on the ground in the bar. And girls would be like, oh my God, Brad from the real world. Like now my father starts. Brad came in. I remember him clapping out a girl in the back of my dad's. My dad flipped out at a midlife crisis. Bought a Hummer. A red Hummer. H2. During this time, I feel like your dad's probably had nine. Midlife crisis. Oh yeah, yeah, he had a really good one. It was like, red Hummer. I mean, you might as well tell everybody. Want to fucking give head? I was like, why don't you wear a prom dress? Do that. Jesus Christ. What's up? I'm here to party and I might blow you. Yeah. Yeah. What? It's cool. No, it's not. Brad. You met Brad? Yeah, he was. I remember, like, he's like, can you give it right back to this girl's dorm room? And I just like, yeah, dude, no problem. Are you kidding me? I'm like a fucking, you know, the little like the low rung on the totem pole. I'm like, no problem, dude. I just like, look back here. Like, look back, he's just clapping an open legged freshman, like. And I was like, wow, this is awesome. Hollywood dude made it. I'm going to the Oscars next year. Yeah, super fun. So that, that all stuff's going on and, and. And then I think it was like I had a summer of partying and I was like, man, I gotta stop spending like 500 bucks on a week and going hammer. You know, it was a great time or. And then I bought the condo and I gave him. He wanted five grand and Wayne Grow. And he's. I was like, look man, I don't got five grand. I got seventeen hundred bucks. And he's like, are you kidding me, dude? Vinny told me you give me five grand. I was like, I don't have it, I don't have it. And you got to get out either way. So do you want it? And I remember like my move was always hold the money out in front and make sure it was in loose bills. If you're ever buying anything at a flea market, hold the money out front, say do you want it? And make sure the last number is a nine. Wait, what? Why? I'll give you an example. Say someone wants $350, you offer them instead of offering them 150. Offer them $189. Make sure the last digit is high. It's a stupid thing, but they'll be like, really? Because if it was 1:70, they would be like, no, no 9. I thought you meant the serial number on the bill. No, no, no. Just like not. I have $109. Then hold it in front of them. Do you want it? And nobody says no. It's like. It's like a 9.7 out of 10 times. You'll close. That guy's constantly closing. Well, I have to buy it. I'll get into later. But. Yeah, you always have. You're always doing those deals. You'll see that people, whatever. It's an old lady. Who gives a shit. She fucking watch. She watch you melt in a barrel fire. Who gives a shit? All right, so you buy the. You buy the option to buy that. I buy that, I move in. 1700 bucks. Bucks. Yep. Then you get. You get this condo. I get a no DOC loan. From who? My cokehead friend Matt? He gave you 120 cash. No, no, no. This is when. Remember when loans you didn't have to use called stated income. I made like. You just had to say, this is what I made. That's right. So it was like. I made like. This is essentially what brought down the world economy. It's all 100. It's happening right now. DSCR loans doing right now in Baltimore. It's happening right now. But there was no DOC Loans fucking. The other guy in Baltimore is doing his crush. It just came out this morning. Anyway, so like I was like, yeah, I make. Read the trades. I make 90. I was in the paper this morning. Yeah, I got a loan for. I said I made 90 grand. It was a lie. I didn't make 90 grand. I did that with Apple to get a MacBook. Nice. Well, how'd you. How'd you slide out of there? They said, how much do you. I did it on the computers. And how much you make? I said, $300,000. This is on the podcast. It was like the first week of the podcast. Criminal. They should lock you up. They were like, good job, Hannibal Lecter over here. You're gonna be doing life after this guy. Stealing retirement homes. You're talking about your Venmo credit card. Shut up. I'm sticking pickaxes in little old ladies heads. I'm shooting them like John Joe Pesci in the movie. You get embarrassed us in front of Brad. If he ever shows up. Brad from the Real World. Do you guys poop in your pants? What do you mean? Like recreationally? Just say the answer him more. So I just. You boys be pooping in your pants a lot. Like, I have a lot of. I've never pooped. One time I pooped in my pants and I was in preschool. Totally fine. You're telling me. But you guys. I know. No, it's true. I was on the road with Segura and he. In his pants. Just on tour like a little bit. I'm not like. I've only ever. I've only ever fully pooped in my pants once. But that's crazy. To once in your life poop in your pants. It's like the one bodily function jammed. I got stuck in trash traffic. I didn't make it. And you just. I couldn't. I couldn't take another step. Oh, you were walking. Yes, I was walking almost to the house. It's almost brutal. I literally did. I couldn't. Got him. Do you throw it away or do you wash it? Huh? You throw away or you wash it? Everything I throw, it was. It was like in the Pulp Fiction. It was a whole thing. Incinerate. Yeah. Yes. Everything was cleaned up, thrown out. Yeah. It's crazy how much you guys poop your pants and get skid marks. Yeah. Every one of my friends. The other day I reached into a back of a friend's car to grab a towel. It is all the seed oil servers. It's the servers. I didn't say this. The male digestive system gets all wonky as it gets older. I was changing my son's diaper the other day and I at the same time. Oh, my God. This moment of like, dude, my man, I shouldn't have this child. You are your daddy's boy. You in your pants while. You're not like you're saying like in your pants. Like, I'm like. I got like. I got the paper open. You were changing the boy's diaper and you farted and came out. Yes, that's in your pants. No, I gotta push back. As someone who shits, I gotta push back on this. You have no experience doing it. Grease between the cheeks. Yes. Oh, that's What? Oh, is there a spurt? Yeah, there's a spur. No, that's shitting your pants. There's propulsion. Yeah, yeah. Propulsion is shitting your pants. This is insane. But it's. No, it's not a log. Yeah, yeah, no, but there's no air. It's not like. It's not like. And this. I dissected this with Segura because he was like, I sharted. And I was like, bro, you're describing your pants because you went to fart and a stream of poop came out. That's your pants. You don't know whether it's air or the other thing. Oh, you can't tell. Yeah. You're not, like. It's not a conscious decision. Oh, you think it's so. It literally go, oh, this is a fart. And then you go, that. That's not a. But, you know, after. It's poop. Yeah. Yeah. That's pooping your pants. No, it's not. That is poop. Are you. We're not doing it on purpose, man. I know you're not doing it on purpose, but if I fart and a little bit of poop particle is there and I get a skid mark, that could be a shark. But if you fart, go to fart and it's accidentally a poop, that's pooping your pants. All right. Okay. You want from me? You accidentally poop your pants a lot? Yeah. Yeah. That's all I want from you. I don't want you to say, I accidentally fart and some poop comes out. I'm so sick of that. You shit your pants. Well, I hate to break it to you. That's what happens. No. Yeah. I'll admit it. I'm disgusting. I hate that you guys have made up this term shart as if it's acceptable. It needs to be back, but that's what it is. Got together and we're like, how can we fool Jordan? The meeting. Yeah, but everything. At the hot guy meeting, at the hot guys who fart, a little bit of poop comes out. Meeting. Okay. The guys who everybody loves and wants to be around, meeting and everybody's favorite boys at the higher Regency hotel this Saturday, 2 o'. Clock. That's crazy. Yeah. No, you're not. Right. It's not. You're not wrong. It's not. It's not. Ideal situation. But it. You know, if I was having sex with you and I bled all over your penis and I go, oops, I queefed, you'd be like, no, you bled all over my penis. A pretty extreme analogy. No, it's not. No, it's not. Blood and poop are equivalent. Blood and poop are just as bad. No, they are not. Blood and poop are equivalent. Would you rather have poop? I never got shot and all over the place. I guess you could. What? I don't know. Hey, World's worst analogy. That didn't even make sense. Well, you get cut. Never shit my pants, and then fingered myself on my period. I've never gotten hard on my own. Wait, wait. If you order Coke out, will you order no ice or will you order ice or extra ice? Do you have any? No, I order a light ice. But, you know they gonna cheat me. I knew that was coming. All those documentaries about Canada. Did a documentary how the United States cheats you when you've been to Canada. They don't put ice in a drink. Yeah. Here's Europe. Yeah. Yeah. They just. They just give you the drink. But. But America cheat you out of half of the drink. If you pour that drink out that ice, you probably got that much, and you pay for a whole lot of time. It's free refill. You know where they love to do that on the airplane? I say I want the can. Oh. When I'm on the airplane, because they'll just give me that little tiny place to come. Yeah. I actually. You know what? I go to the. I go to the Delta Lounge and I. I just throw ginger beer in my purse. You know, the ginger beer, it is so good. But you can only get it inside of the Delta Lounge. Yeah. You ever been in it? I know y' all been in it. Yeah, I'm diamond. Oh. Oh. I'm. I'm platinum. Oh, I'm platinum. I mean, I'm playing. You're 360. Yeah. She's killing it. I've never seen one. I'm wood. You know the thing about being 360, when you have a problem, they take care of it. Platinum dudes, they do, too. Yeah. But 360, you get on the plane before the pilot. Well, I. I do. I. You can, but I do. Vip Is that where they drive you to the thing? Yes, I do that every week. You join. So you get driven to the. To the plane everywhere, and then you walk out on the go side. Yeah, only because I don't like going through Atlanta Airport. That's where I live at. And it's just too much to get bad. And it's just. It's easy for me because I have a driver that pick me up and take me over to the airport. And it's just easy for me to get VIP to get me. Run me through, drop me on a plane, take me to Delta Lounge, and I'm done. I don't got time then. You know people. Black people are different from white fans. Black people don't give a fuck. What's your Dad's like, give me a picture, give me a picture. And I don't want to say, look, leave me alone. So I just go up the side of the plane and pull my hat down and I hide because they don't, you know, white people like, hey, how you doing? Black people don't care. They'll snatch on you. I love you. Get your hand off me. I'm on a viral video fighting somebody because I don't want to take a picture. Cut my wig on Cricket. So, you know, I just say to keep everything down. I'm just gonna go vip. Smart. Very smart. That's great. Good for you. Speaking of the plane, obviously you're up front all the time. Of course. Do you take your shoes off on the plane? I mean, you're allowed to say it or not? I had to catch myself. That dirty ass carpet is you crazy? I'm guessing that's a no. Yeah. Do you see how many white people had they toes on that floor? Crazy. I. I just. I just flew back from. From Europe last week and I saw a guy barefoot go to the bathroom. Oh, my God, I'll do that in my socks. White, Asian guy? Well, yeah, white. Same thing. He wasn't black, I'll give you that. His skin was white. Ain't no way in the hell. Ain't no way in the. Not even a homeless. Coolest person. Wait, black would have done that. Put the slippers on. If I take my shoes off on, say it's like a six hour flight or something like that. It's a long flight and I'm getting comfortable. I got my movie going, some snacks, stuff like that. I've had my meal. All right. That is horrible at first, because they give you the slippers. You put the slippers. I'll give you a pair of slippers. I can't fit in those things. Let me tell you who I just flew. I just flew Emirates for the first time. You ever flew Emirates? No. What were you just. I was on. Singapore was very, very nice. It was. Yeah. Singapore is very. I almost got on Singapore. I went to Saudi Arabia, then I went to Dubai. And when I tell you. Emirates first class. Yeah, it's like. It's like an apartment. Oh, my God. When I tell you, they wake you up to take a bath. Ma', am, it's time for your shower. Yes. Did you take a shower on the plane? No, I was. I had a plan. I told you I can't take my shoes. I had a panty line on. It was gonna make it. Now if I would just be drawing it. I would have had to take a bath. Wait, hold on. A panty liner? What do you mean? A panty liner? Catches the secretions that fall out of me. I can't believe you needed that display. Every vagina leaks. So everything. Did you ever see one? Huh? No. Seen it in some videos. You a big guy. It's easy to have sex with you. Just kicking your stomach, your dick pop out like a cash race. That's easy. Y' all are so warm. You know the hardest thing about giving a fat person head is when you lift they stomach up, they dick is hot, like 99 degrees. It's like an air fryer down there. Yes. And your makeup and eyelashes will fall off. It is work sucking a fat man penis because it's so warm down there. You ever did it, girl, Let me tell you. Holy. Yeah, man. This pat just obliterated us. Look over. I got fake eyelashes on all that. You got to take your makeup off before you give a fat man head. I'm telling you. That is some work down there. And they. They balls are like it says. It's like it's been in a little. Hey, I'm not on trial here. I'm just telling Phil is nuts. I guarantee I've seen them. They're not great. Yeah, don't touch them. They hot. Yeah, they're hot. Cause I'm telling you, he's thick between the legs. So everything is just right there, heating up at all times. And as he walked, they're boiling. Yeah, yeah. As he walked, they're boiling. She's not wrong. She's talking like here. If he pull his nuts. Pull his nuts out right now. I bet you. I bet her they're 102 degrees. If he teabag a, it'll burn a skin. How do you feel as a whole about its rise, about its popularity, about its existence, really, of the birthday cake flavor? Well, let me go into this, actually, because I'm happy you asked this. My thoughts on this are evolving. Really? Yes. Early on, when birthday cake flavor was introduced, somewhere, let's be honest, before 2010, no one had heard of it. We're talking about the early aughts here. The birthday cake flavor is introduced. The earliest and most mainstream application of this flavor was something called birthday cake Remix from Cold Stone. Cold Stone. That was the big one. Cold Stone Creamery introduces his flavor in 2010. There's a mortgage crisis. People are suffering. They're losing their homes. They're lining up. The Cold Stone employees are singing. They're Making ice cream. Many of them are on pills and they can't see their children unless there's a police officer present. The birthday cake flavor comes in to make everything a party. Nothing's a party. Nothing's a party. Okay. Oh, you thought you're gonna retire with the equity in this house. Now you're living in an apartment. Again, nothing's a party. Here comes a birthday cake flavor. Oh, there's sprinkles in it. Is it your birthday? No, I'm actually living in hell. So this flavor comes in, then everybody gets. Gets cheap. I don't like it anymore. It feels very chemical. I don't like the birthday cake flavor. I've turned on it completely. Okay. I used to argue, and I still will argue this, that the Burger King French toast stick was one of the most influential things I've ever had in my life or changed my life. The Burger King French toast stick. It's like you're in here. Okay? It's like you're right. Because the McGriddle does not run. The Burger King French toast stick doesn't walk. You are not wrong. And here's the thing. Burger King has fallen far. But there was a time when it was a nice time because you had a crinkle cut pickle. McDonald's had a regular pickle. They were contending. They had a crinkle cut pickle at Burger King. You had a flame broiled Whopper at Burger King. There was a time when Burger King was in the game. It is not in the game right now. And it is a fucking tragedy. I have like a FEMA camp when you walk in there. I have a theory. Yes. Okay. That I have expressed to Kevin in private. Yes. That our culture. Yes. As Americans. Correct. We are the coolest at times in history where Burger King and Pepsi are the driving force. When Burger King and Pepsi. It's actually beautiful to hear someone articulate that with words. Are at our coolest when Burger King's popping and Pepsi's pop. Because we need the underdog to thrive. We need the underdog to thrive in this country. Was Burger King my favorite? Absolutely not. But did. Is there a time when it was hot? Amen. Was there a time when you had a. Who was mad at a croissant witch? Was someone mad at that? Dude. When the chicken. Was someone mad at that? When the chicken fry hit, it was all right. Right. So it was all right. There were. And I actually think there were the times of the most racial harmony as well. Of course. We were. You know what I Agree. We were united. I agree. United. So that to me is a pizza. It's a sad story. These are sad stories. Sad stories. But we could get it screaming. Was Burger King lover. No. For life. For life. But guess what? Not for life. Now. Yeah. We could get it back. We could be cool again. That's right, huh? Just one crispy chicken sandwich away. What is the biggest disappointment fast food wise? I'll tell you right now. I'll tell you right now. What'd you say? No, please. The. Because I was gonna agree with you. I thought you said the thing. I was gonna say the biggest fall that has ever happened in this country from a restaurant that was one of the greats to something that is now nothing. And that is Wendy's. Wendy's in the 90s was the premier. You would go there and have a burger that was amazing. It was a square patty. You'd get a gold wrapper. Monterey Ranch chicken sandwich. Ranch in bacon in the ranch. Fresh, never frozen. A salad bar that included chocolate pudding and slices of pineapple. How about you go fuck yourself? And this was. You would leave your job maybe at a debt collection agency or at the rec center. You'd go in there and you'd put a feed bag on. Oh, a big chili baked potato. Maybe I will stay married. And now. Now it is hell. You would get a salad there with bacon cheddar cheese, ranch dressing, croutons. You'd pile it high. I mean the steakhouse bacon cheeseburger. Wendy's. The Monterey ranch chicken sandwich at Wendy's Wendy's was amazing. And it has fallen far. Shame. The thickness of that shredded yellow cheddar cheese at the salad bar covered in ranch with a slab of chocolate pudding on the side. Side. We've discussed this. It still holds true to this moment. You couldn't be more right. Talk about a maverick. A big potato at a fast food restaurant. And it worked. They did things. Dave Thomas. Now you go into Wendy's and everyone's confused. It's. Everyone's confused. It's some Norwegian who just got off a plane and they don't know what's happening. No one is excited. It'll. Wendy. It's just. Kids go in there to film fights. Sure. They go in there to. To curb, stomp a bitch and film it. That is all Wendy's are used for now. They're used for inner city fights. And they know it. They go. That's the only reason we exist is for inner city TikTok brawls. I mean.