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H. Foley
Gang, here's a couple of fun ones. Talking about Portland, Maine, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Cleveland, Ohio. The boys are coming for a little ayg live. Grab the squad, bring the hometown gang out. See the boys?
Kevin
Yeah, it's some stand up. Plus we play ayg with the crowd. You get a chance to ask us your garbage question live, we shit on you. It's a good time. Tickets@allyourgarbage.com. we'll see you there.
H. Foley
Yeah. Hey everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are youe Garbage? Oh yeah, it's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that if they grew up to be classy or if they're just a big old piece of trash.
Kevin
Trash, trash, trash.
H. Foley
Yes, that's right. I'm your host, H. Foley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition. She's over at Walgreens.
Kevin
Uh huh.
H. Foley
Stealing me some Cordman has got a little bug himself.
Kevin
Yeah, it's funny. I laugh, dude. I couldn't, I can't laugh more than that. That's crazy.
H. Foley
I was, I, you know, I'm such a dirt ball. I didn't care about the laugh. I wanted to say, well, I hope you feel better. I'm sorry, where's the sympathy for the devil around here?
Kevin
I hope you feel better.
H. Foley
My co host is coming at you from across the table. This is what we call a family episode.
Kevin
Uh huh.
H. Foley
Family cares for one another.
Kevin
Can you tell I'm trying to move merch? Luke, hit me.
H. Foley
These new are you garbage contacts? Are you garbage grills?
Kevin
Oh yeah, I'm just hanging out. My favorite hat. My favorite mug. Just chilling.
H. Foley
He looks like Ron Howard. Like making a bad movie that neat.
Kevin
I feel that dude. That's how I feel. I feel. Got my dad hat. My Bernie's dad. That's what the kids are calling his dad.
H. Foley
That's my son. Hey, put my kid in.
Kevin
Your kid sucks. I'm yelling at the coach. Ah yeah, of course the coach's son gets in.
H. Foley
A man who needs no introduction after all that Kevin moving merch.
Kevin
Guys, check out the official store over
H. Foley
there with a promo code. Kev,
Kevin
first of all, thanks for tuning in.
H. Foley
That was by accident.
Kevin
It truly was by accident.
H. Foley
However, I got it.
Kevin
Check out my new limited edition. No, obviously by accident. I've been using the mug as of recent. Now I feel I have to defend myself. I've been using the mug as of recent because we're out of the coffee. The place I don't like. Those are a little too small for me. The ones you got. I like the other white one.
H. Foley
How many Chevy luminance do you need, Kevin?
Kevin
I'm getting rid of the one I currently have.
H. Foley
Are you missing it?
Kevin
So it's $5,000 obo. Really best offer. That's a good car. Runs well.
H. Foley
You had the balls to put five grand on that thing.
Kevin
What do you mean?
H. Foley
That's crazy. 1200.
Kevin
It was more than that.
H. Foley
1200.
Kevin
Okay.
H. Foley
It's been sitting there for two.
Kevin
Why is that all you got? Again, not a penny more.
H. Foley
Do you like are you garbage by any chance?
Kevin
First of all, thanks for tuning in as always. Please make sure you rate, View, subscribe on itunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. And the boys are climbing the friggin charts. Obviously the greatest website of all time, wwe. We were, we were on, on itunes as well. I looked at Andrew Santino. Episode was like top 14 episodes.
H. Foley
Really?
Kevin
Comedy interview podcast posted by 2 fat idiots.
H. Foley
The market's down right now.
Kevin
And then obviously the greatest website of all time. Www.patreon.com. are you garbage? You go over there, get all that bonus content and you can watch the full length paintball video.
H. Foley
Whoa. Who operated the arena of death?
Kevin
Uh huh. And the big man will shock you. Nimble stealth Pizza guy was eating pizza mid intro. Crazy.
H. Foley
What do you mean? I was hungry. And that's a part of the shtick. Let me tell you something.
Kevin
Really, really committed to the bit, huh? Committed to the bite.
H. Foley
I was really disappointed in that pizza as shitty pizza at an arcade. Bummed out.
Kevin
Sure.
H. Foley
They really let me down. You got to get something.
Kevin
Forgot. I don't think we talked about what? You kept going, hey guys, I don't know if we ever talked about it. She came over to me. And you're like, hey, I just talked to the snack bar guy. He says we got to make on the move on this pizza if we want to get one.
H. Foley
Oh yeah, he said the next 10
Kevin
minutes everybody's like, nah, I think we're all right, man. We're about to run and sweat and play.
H. Foley
He was over for two more hours. Guy bamboozled me something like you would do with the merch.
Kevin
You went back over and started talking to him and we're like, you're like, I don't know. The kids like, it's just like this fat dumb kid. He's like, yeah, I don't know man. He's like, are you gonna Buy a pizza or not? Did you come back over? Listen, he said he could knock two bucks off the price. Yeah, you were over there? Dude, we kept looking over at the kid and the kids like. I. I don't know. Sir, do you want the pizza or not?
H. Foley
I don't know. Give me a hot dog. I don't know.
Kevin
What else? Throwing a box of Goobers for me.
H. Foley
Sweeten his dealer. I'm not gonna sign nothing, but my word is my bond. How about a handshake, huh, blood brother?
Kevin
You cut yourself, you spit in your hand hand like the hand. That firm ain't going anywhere.
H. Foley
Sir, we don't take that well.
Kevin
My friend over there, he has all the money. He's gonna have to pay. Can't pay. Pay the man.
H. Foley
You take an expired American Express by a chance?
Kevin
Oh, boy, you got your tokens out.
H. Foley
What a fun day that was. Paintball.
Kevin
That was very fun.
H. Foley
Really? Hey, you go over there and check it out. Anybody that works for the active military, CIA, FBI. If you're looking for a guy through the door, give me a call, okay?
Kevin
And I can forward you someone's number.
H. Foley
That cousin was in the Navy. Good times.
Kevin
Yes. One thing we were talking about off. I think you were complaining on air about it, but also recently off air was your, I think, disdain for Warren Buffett and his modest spending on McDonald's breakfast. Right. That was. That's a. And rightfully. Look at you. No, to each their own. That's all I'm. Oh, you don't. You think it's.
H. Foley
Fuck him.
Kevin
Yeah. Okay.
H. Foley
He should be buying sausage steak and muffins for everybody. All the kids on the school bus.
Kevin
I don't disagree.
H. Foley
If the market's up, I get a sausage, egg and cheese. Hey, after market sound, I got a sausage and cheese.
Kevin
Yeah, you guy I'm thanking over. Now you just get the sausage, scrape it off and give it to me.
H. Foley
Okay, I'll have his cheese.
Kevin
I'll take his egg, please. Well, can you pull up his actual order? It's famous. It's that thing. It was that interview, you know, it's. It's from Olong. They taught that in business school. Like, that's. That's how you do it.
H. Foley
He started out selling, like, bottle caps some. He was a hustler.
Kevin
I don't know. I don't know if that's his origin story.
H. Foley
He was selling gum or something.
Kevin
I'm sure he. Sure, he sold a lot of things. He used to intern.
H. Foley
He's a kid.
Kevin
Dude. I remember. I'm so Stupid. I thought I knew one thing about him. And I was at a. I was at a. A wedding, and I was trying to impress this cheeseburger in paradise. I'm a parrot head. And there was this real. There's this real big finance guy, rich guy. I was talking to him.
H. Foley
You're gonna say a hot chick.
Kevin
No, that's what I'm talking about.
H. Foley
Hurt your Warren Buffett history knowledge, Will. Really?
Kevin
And he's like, yeah, I'm a big Warren Buffett fan. I really, like. He's like an idol of mine. I'm like, you know. Then I, like, threw out a fact, and he's like, that's not true.
H. Foley
You know, he gets two Big Macs every time. Hong Kong market tank.
Kevin
Just like myself. They don't have the shamrock shake.
H. Foley
I like that fillet of fish myself.
Kevin
Cohen's around. I'm talking to the bus boy.
H. Foley
Do you remember what the fact was
Kevin
that it was something about how he started Berkshire Hath. I forgot about. I was, like, drunk and I was. Thought I was killing it, and this kid just went there, and then he went. Because, you know, when you're at a wedding, you don't really know a lot of people. I guess you probably haven't been in a wedding. I told you it was at a wedding.
H. Foley
Oh, I thought you were in class.
Kevin
No, I was at a wedding. I was, like, trying to bond with you.
H. Foley
You shut your mouth at a wedding, buddy. Want a heater? That's what I was doing, buddy.
Kevin
Yeah, but I thought I was really feeling myself. And, man, I struck a rich British guy.
H. Foley
Hello.
Kevin
I stinked.
H. Foley
Yeah, you thought you really had him in your short sleeve. Button down.
Kevin
Hi. Looking like Dwight Schrute. Bears Beats a bad start.
H. Foley
You got a dollar for the bartender?
Kevin
He got. You got any quid on you? Hey, let me borrow five quid, man.
H. Foley
You know Elton John?
Kevin
Yeah. What was. What's his order, though?
Luke
All right, if the market's up, a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit. If the market.
Kevin
That's all right, dad. Listen.
H. Foley
Hey, I am a hog.
Kevin
Shout out to the s and P500.
H. Foley
Holy shit.
Luke
If the market's down, sausage, egg and cheese.
H. Foley
What?
Luke
And then if the market's way down, two sausage patties, which he combines and washes down with a Coke. He also does the exact change.
Kevin
This guy's awesome, actually. Now he's shopping like a homeless guy.
H. Foley
He makes a sandwich with two napkins and some bacon.
Kevin
Throw in some creamer for me. He's getting all the free shit.
H. Foley
He's Got the market's down a little bit. He's got a bunch of prep stuff in the back. Save yourselves. I gotta tell you that's coming around
Kevin
a little bit on him.
H. Foley
Yeah. Come on. Bacon, egg and cheese on. I want one right now.
Kevin
I can tell they don't make them like that anymore.
H. Foley
No, I respect all that.
Kevin
Yes. That's so. That's what. So this is. There was a few other people that I found that still that do similar stuff to that. The hell's Luke. Even. The hell is even that.
H. Foley
What was that?
Kevin
He left the remote on the table. Leave that in. Don't cut that and show your mistakes either. That stays in there.
H. Foley
I thought that was like one of those kids that put their phone up to somebody else's phone and it beeps and they run away.
Kevin
Wait. What?
H. Foley
Huh?
Luke
Like I just stole all your info.
H. Foley
Yeah. Those dads are losing. Come here. You know what I'm talking about.
Kevin
No.
H. Foley
Prank show. The prank videos. The kid runs up to somebody's phone. It makes a beep sound effect. And they think that they just transformed. You'd lose it.
Kevin
My foot in.
H. Foley
Yeah, you do. Chasing the kids down the street. Your hat blows off your bald head hair.
Kevin
Don't tell anybody about that. Cover my dick.
H. Foley
Why?
Kevin
They pants me or something?
H. Foley
Ah. You stink. Before you get into that.
Kevin
Thanks. Thanks for shoving that in there.
H. Foley
Yeah. I thought. This is what I thought it was Sausage. Egg and cheese. Sausage or sausage McMuffin. That's a banging order. Also I was gonna, you know, defend the guy a little bit. He was doing some interview with him. And who's the other old geezer?
Kevin
Charl. He died.
H. Foley
Chuck.
Kevin
Charlie something.
H. Foley
Unger. Right? Charlie Munger.
Luke
Yeah. Yeah.
Kevin
There you go. Fucking Jim Cramer over here. Mad money.
H. Foley
But you want to buy. Are you garbage merchant? They were out to. They must have. They were having lunch every day at the same place. Something like that. He gets it and just made me hungry for it. Warren Buffett had a hamburger with a little salt. Guy likes a burger and ketchup. Real simple.
Kevin
That's it.
H. Foley
You ever just have a hamburger? Not a cheeseburger.
Kevin
I don't think so.
H. Foley
It's wild.
Kevin
I mean, I think it's that crazy.
H. Foley
It's crazy.
Kevin
I can wrap my head around it.
H. Foley
There's a lot going on. There really is. You get the beef flavor. Next time you're in Burger King, grab yourself a Whopper junior without cheese.
Kevin
Take that to the bank and get me one. Get it without the cheese. But get the cheese. Mail it to Tootie Care of H. Foley.
H. Foley
Sure.
Kevin
Another. The.
H. Foley
The.
Kevin
The guy. Charlie Ergen, head of Dish Network.
H. Foley
She got.
Kevin
I don't know what he's flopping, but at the time. Choke up his net worth. This is rich people doing dirtbag shit. Effectively rich people being cheap. Yeah.
H. Foley
Should be giving that. But that's like local base.
Kevin
That is the how you made it. What? What do you got?
Luke
18.7. Bill.
H. Foley
Whatever.
Kevin
Got that on me. Just a few more hats we got to move. I got that in inventory sitting.
H. Foley
Musk can bury that guy. You got rockets and shit. 18 billion.
Kevin
Well, yeah. That's why he must be broke because he packs a lunch of a sandwich and Gatorade daily.
H. Foley
That's cool.
Kevin
That's cool. Right? That's not. These guys are actually.
H. Foley
Why do you say something? He's fucking breaking this guy's balls. And a sandwich bag of pretzels.
Kevin
Huh. Nice bringing it.
H. Foley
Yeah.
Kevin
It brings a simple sandwich and Gatorade,
H. Foley
but he makes it.
Kevin
He also shares hotel rooms on business trips with his employees. That bug.
H. Foley
That's bugman business. Oh no. There's one bed and my stepmom's here. What?
Kevin
Got my hand stuck in the dishwasher.
H. Foley
Ah, that.
Kevin
That's great. Dude. I wouldn't want to work.
Luke
He was also a professional blackjack and poker player.
Kevin
I mean these are just dirt bags who got rich essentially.
H. Foley
I was telling somebody the other day something you told me. Pass it off as my own respect that if like drug dealers in the inner city that like ran big things, they also have the same brain as a guy who like runs chase. Yeah, of course.
Kevin
Well, you would have to. I mean, in order to do it. In order. Yeah, you'd. I mean you have.
H. Foley
I'm talking about low level guys.
Kevin
Uh huh.
H. Foley
The brains behind it. Stringer Bells.
Kevin
Sure.
H. Foley
Stringer Bell could have done really well in corporate America.
Luke
He was trying to move over.
H. Foley
Was he? Yeah. Huh.
Kevin
That's from the wire. That line. He could have done real well in corporate America.
H. Foley
I said that.
Kevin
I never. You weren't in. You were in the wire.
H. Foley
I wasn't in the wire. I watched a little bit.
Kevin
Okay.
H. Foley
The String of Bell stuff, but I don't remember.
Luke
That line stopped after season two.
H. Foley
I did.
Luke
A lot of people do.
H. Foley
Was that when McNulty goes back to being a flat foot?
Luke
Yeah. When they're.
H. Foley
Yeah, yeah.
Luke
The docs.
H. Foley
I love him. Whatever that guy's name is, it's great.
Luke
Dominic something.
H. Foley
No, you're an idiot.
Kevin
The British guy.
H. Foley
Hello. He was in a rockstar as a guy.
Kevin
I Was talking to at the wedding, Kenny.
Luke
Was it Dominic West?
H. Foley
Good job.
Kevin
Yeah.
H. Foley
Good looking kid. I feel a fever. I feel the fever coming on. Chills. It was brutal. I'm all by myself. Talk to me.
Kevin
Another guy, Asmin Premji.
H. Foley
Uh huh.
Kevin
Known to monitor his employees toilet paper uses.
H. Foley
Fuck that.
Kevin
That's like.
H. Foley
Yeah, you compare it.
Kevin
Be a dirt bag.
H. Foley
You're comparing that to a Gatorade and a fucking ham and cheese with one cupcake. Come on. That's American, right?
Kevin
I do think, yeah, I do think like take the Gatorade and the fucking, the sandwich that is like. Because I guess you can have anything. And he probably did at some point and just go like, ah, just get me back to my fucking. Give me a screaming cold yellow Gatorade and a turkey and cheese.
H. Foley
Every once in a while you gotta reset.
Kevin
You like reset the pallet.
H. Foley
Every once in a while that'll happen to me. Well, I'll, I'll, I'll be like. In situations like, yeah, what do I want? What do I want? What do I want to be doing? And then I'll have like something so simple like, man, this is where it is where it's at. Remember I had pitched that idea that all sandwiches should be a little thinner couple. Couple months ago. Yeah, we're doing too much meat in the sandwiches.
Kevin
I listen, I am a, I, I am a very odd meat to cheese to bread ratio guy. They all need, they all need to line up for me.
H. Foley
When did that happen? I think it was like the delis and stuff like that.
Kevin
Instagram. No, the bigger the sandwich, the better the shame. Get the fuck out of.
H. Foley
Yeah. You know, I blame Baines Deli. Remember Baines Deli in Philly? They really thought they were hot shots. It was like this high end sandwich place in the food courts at the malls in Philly. It'd be next to Sbarros. It was like high dollars.
Kevin
How's a Sbarros guy? Two big cheesy slices.
H. Foley
Those were thick, boys. Oh man, I loved it.
Kevin
I loved it. And they had a thing.
H. Foley
How old is your boy? He's 12. He can only have one if they
Kevin
didn't give you a receipt at mine. I said, if we don't offer you, if we don't give you your receipt, you get a free meal. I used to sit there every time and hope those fucking motherfuckers never gave me a receipt. I would do two slices on that big ch be hanging. And they never did what they never did. They never united the plates. You know, if you get two slices somewhere.
H. Foley
Yeah.
Kevin
To put the overlap the plates. They never did that.
H. Foley
No. They want to be a jerk off and drop it. Yeah, yeah. Laughing at your fat ass, man. To pick it up.
Kevin
Mouth breathing, Looking for my dad at the Oxford Valley Mall. Fucking probably trying to hide from me.
H. Foley
Belly full of thick pizza crust.
Kevin
Fall full of tablefront of girls.
H. Foley
Ugh, man. Yeah, Kip, let's talk about Mars, man.
Kevin
Mars, man. Mars, man. Mars, man.
H. Foley
The problem with my body.
Kevin
Okay, do we have time? It's a one minute ad reel.
H. Foley
It doesn't snap into shape like it used to in my. I was in good shape in my 20s. And pumping through my system, I was ready to go. A lot of people think that the classic dad bod just comes from drinking and beer and all that kind of stuff. It's actually not the whole story. As men get older, our bodies reprogram themselves. We naturally start storing more fat and losing muscle faster.
Kevin
Amen, sister.
H. Foley
And the main reason for that is testosterone.
Kevin
Yes.
H. Foley
Most men's testosterone levels start to drop during their 30s.
Kevin
Yes. And when that happens, it becomes easier to gain fat, especially around your stomach. I eat your boy over here. How you doing?
H. Foley
Hamburger Ryan?
Kevin
And the frustrating part is, the more fat that you gain, the more your body actually converts testosterone into estrogen, which makes it even easier to gain more fat. Oh, my God.
H. Foley
What?
Kevin
It's like the problem is, this is bad. They're teaming up.
H. Foley
That's fucked up.
Kevin
So Mars Men is a natural supplement designed to support healthy testosterone levels, which can help your body burn fat more efficiently and build lean muscle. When your hormones are working the way they're supposed to, a lot of things get easier. Workouts, energy, and staying lean. It's like helping your body get back running like it did years ago. What it does well, a normal body.
H. Foley
I'm thinking of yours.
Kevin
I started using Mars, man. And it was explained to me that, like, your body can't get going when it's fighting all of these things, right? You need to, you know, you need to kick it into gear. It gives you more cons. It's given me more consistent energy. I can. I'm better focused, I'm better with the baby. I'm running around chasing him when before I'd be laying on the couch tossing a ball to him, you know, now I'm last spring. I have my energy levels maintained throughout the day. Less cravings. I started, I'm back working out. I'm back running. I'm back engaged.
H. Foley
You're looking good, Kip. I'll Tell you that right now, for
Kevin
a limited time, our listeners get 50% off for life plus free shipping and three free gifts@ Mengotomars.com that's Mengotomars.com for 50% off and three free gifts when you go to checkout. And that's also available on Amazon. After you purchase, they're gonna ask you how you heard about them. Tell them just support the boys and tell them the show sent you. We love you.
H. Foley
Love you, Kip. Do you like that?
Kevin
Warby Parker? Wabi Parker.
H. Foley
Do you like it?
Kevin
Who don't like it? I wish I needed glass.
H. Foley
Everybody loves Warby Parker. Let me ask you this. I. Glasses wear. Contact wear. When I'm buying glasses, I feel so. It feels complicated and overpriced. Okay.
Kevin
It would seem overwhelming as well.
H. Foley
To me it is because let me tell you, the low level frames, you look like. No disrespect, Bob Lazar.
Kevin
Okay.
H. Foley
You got ninth grade science team.
Kevin
Sure.
H. Foley
All right. You trying to close an M. Thick lenses striking out. I gotta tell you something. You go to Warby Parker, they do the. They do the like the virtual. Put them on. Try them on. First of all, looking sharp. Ain't that styles?
Kevin
Yeah.
H. Foley
Prices are great. Like you look cool.
Kevin
They also have prescription or sunglasses, right? Yes. You no longer have to choose between flimsy, outdated styles or spending half your paycheck. Warby partner has complete. Warby Parker has completely changed that. Their prescription glasses start at just $95 so you can get actual quality and stylish frames at an affordable price. Everything you need for happier eyes, including contacts, online eye exam and sunglasses. It's all in one place, which makes everything easier. They have. They also have over 300 retail stores. They got brick and mortar too. Shot the Warby Parker and here's the turkey gang. Right now you buy one prescription pair and get 20% off at any additional prescription pairs@warbyparker.com garbage. That's 20% off additional prescription pairs when you go to Warby W A r b y parker.com garbage. Do it. Do it. All right. That's neither here nor there. We got a gosh darn family episode. We'll talk a little bitness. All right. As you know, when you join the old Patreon, we will answer you. We will ask your garbage question on the air. And we got a couple hum dingies here, gang. This one's very good. Never thought of it. This is from nick. Hey, gang. $10 diamond dollar. Have you ever had to change into a suit in a Parking lot. You're jammed the fuck up. I have parking garage in Center City. I was changing to work to go to work at Macy's.
H. Foley
Never an shaped guy either.
Kevin
No. No. Why?
H. Foley
It's.
Kevin
It's never just like, a dude.
H. Foley
No.
Kevin
With like a six pack.
H. Foley
Just like, chick spraying a hose. Ooh.
Kevin
Yeah. It's always like me hiding behind my mom's car.
H. Foley
And anybody sees your belly, your tits sucks.
Kevin
It stinks. Why? What is it about a dirtbag person doing dirtbag shit that, like, why aren't. What is it that. Success. No successful person's really doing that. And if they do. If they're. If they do, it's not like, shameful.
H. Foley
It's upbringing.
Kevin
But, like, what. Why are we all making the same decisions that we gotta be changing into a suit probably to go to court or, like, you're not going to a wedding. Why something. Why does that resonate something in the water? Yeah. I don't get that.
H. Foley
Yeah.
Kevin
Just planning. Planning time thing.
Luke
The guy who has the six pack has planned out his meals to have that six pack. He's planning out his day. Yeah. I got to be in a suit by this time.
H. Foley
Like, maybe had parents that taught him that.
Kevin
The parents did it. Yeah.
H. Foley
Not just yelled at them. Hey, Patty got that. I've been throwing some smoke her way.
Kevin
No, you don't say. I think a lot of people are getting the smoke.
H. Foley
Oh, bet. Yeah. They don't call down there as much, these days, to be honest with you.
Kevin
Why would they? You just say you were yelling at your mom.
H. Foley
Why the smoke here? I talk to her. You know, I'm nice to her, but okay. I don't hear from local Philadelphia area anymore. There's no show down there. That's what it is. All of a sudden. Tickets come on. Oh, they'll be on the phone in December. Be on the phone in December.
Kevin
They should be on the phone come fucking July for the Atlantic City show.
H. Foley
Yeah, they will. In June they'll be. I didn't see. How do I get tickets? You don't know, huh?
Kevin
Hey, put your. Hey, put your pinchers away, bug man.
H. Foley
Everybody's icing me on my Mother's Day text, nothing. Sound like six of them. I get one response. Huh. I go back there and rip that R frames in half. I see what you say. Then I got stacks of them.
Kevin
Oh, God, you stink.
H. Foley
Anyhoo. Mm. Changing in a car.
Kevin
Changing outside of a car or. Yeah, in a parking lot. Yeah, that's tough. I was always. I guess that is like, you're doing too much.
Luke
Like you never have the right stuff.
Kevin
You never. Yeah. You never. Dude. I was changing to my dad's suit. The button didn't work. I just had to. Had to cinch the. Cinch the belt real tight.
H. Foley
Were you a big fan of putting the hanger in the back seat? No, I mean, feeling like a real operator.
Kevin
My dad would do that.
H. Foley
Oh my God, that sucked.
Kevin
If you were in the back seat too. I felt like you were in the car wash the whole time. Fuck that, man.
H. Foley
Extra starts slice your neck.
Kevin
I remember. I remember my dad would get. He would dry clean, but like he would just dry clean his. Get my dungare. He'd get his dungarees dry clean from time to time. And I guess, I mean, he just wore T shirts and sweatshirts every day. So I don't know what the fuck. But he was always getting stuff pressed, you know, ocd. Get stuff. We go down, we go over there to Earl's cleaner pressed. And he would just hang like two or three things. He would hang it up and then we would take it in. But I remember the first time I saw a guy, he had like a broomstick across his back seat like into like the. Was he a suit and he had a bunch of clothes?
H. Foley
It was an earthquake.
Kevin
I know you fucking lying. I remember being like, what the hell is that guy? How many shirts is this fucking guy? He. My dad. My dad's like, he's got to be some sort of delivery salesman or something. Like there he needs right after the
H. Foley
car and take a look. No, I don't think that. I don't know what he's carrying it in.
Kevin
No, I think he just needed that many clean shirt. Like he probably got his month. He had to wear one every single day. And I think he would just.
H. Foley
Oh, just went and picked it up.
Kevin
Picked all 30 up at a time. Where was the bar going across the back seat. Like from like holder to holder because there was too many to get on the handles. So he had his own fucking wardrobe in there.
H. Foley
Those dry clean hangers were brutal. You could use them for anything.
Kevin
The metal ones, we love our customers.
H. Foley
Yes. Dealing with that shit. Getting that plastic off. Weird.
Kevin
Yeah, huh?
H. Foley
Dry clean is really. Who can say any dry clean anymore.
Kevin
I think a lot of people aren't. You don't have to get dressed up anymore. Like even like corporate jobs. You don't.
H. Foley
That's a problem.
Kevin
That's all right.
H. Foley
Luke. Luke is no shoes on right now.
Kevin
I don't believe anything you have on. Dry cleaned or clean at the moment,
H. Foley
I'm currently not wearing underwear or socks. Okay.
Kevin
Yeah.
H. Foley
They're new sneakers, though. At a certain point, I just start wearing.
Kevin
Well, there's a certain point, and I've done this. The second you put your unsocked feet, it's over. They're. They're.
H. Foley
That.
Kevin
They're. You've lit the fuse of those shoes being over. The first time's great. You go, I'm a bad boy. I'm running a race. Feels great.
H. Foley
Yeah.
Kevin
Can't be too hot. Otherwise it gets mushy. It's like. It's like you're in the. It's like you're in the. The beginning of the ocean. You know what I mean? But the second, third, fourth, fifth time, they just become. They get. They're too wet.
H. Foley
It's like the holy community bat mitzvah. That's. Once you cross over into that shoe, takes on a different life. Yeah, it's a different kind of shoe
Kevin
that does not come. You can never get it back.
H. Foley
No, you're not getting that smell bag.
Kevin
You know what I never. I would do sometimes, but I should do more is change the insole. Get a little more life out of the shoe.
H. Foley
No, don't do that.
Kevin
Why?
H. Foley
Listen, for a long time, I would wear the. You know, the boots. I got the cool boots that I got.
Kevin
No, you know what I'm talking about.
H. Foley
Cool boots.
Kevin
The cool boots.
H. Foley
So when we were somewhere, I bought a great story.
Kevin
I somewhere. And I did something more at 11.
H. Foley
Chinese food. I bought. I bought a new pair of hocus.
Kevin
Let me take a sip for my hoodie mug.
H. Foley
I bought a new pair of hokas.
Kevin
I bought a new toonie mug.
H. Foley
I'm done with you. I bought a new pair of hokas. All right? And I took the hoka soles and put them in the boot. Didn't work. Didn't work out.
Kevin
What's not how. That's not how that works, man.
H. Foley
There's no. There's no cushion in there. Where? In the boot?
Kevin
Yeah. Boots are known to not have. You want it walking on horse feet. How do you know what that feels like? Cliff clopping around. Somebody's got to reshoot the bug, man.
Luke
Those infected hooves.
Kevin
Oh, yeah, I would love to do that. I'd clean out all your pus.
H. Foley
You would.
Kevin
I have to put you in one of the straps, though, if I wasn't so you don't kick me.
H. Foley
If I was. If I had one of those things that cows get with the gas. Would you want to be the One jamming the thing.
Kevin
I may not hurt them. I wouldn't want to be. You do it though, wouldn't you? Yeah. Walk away. I just save you. Removes the just brainiac.
H. Foley
Ah, damn it.
Kevin
I'd never do that. I'd save you, obviously.
H. Foley
Really?
Kevin
Huh.
H. Foley
Idiot.
Kevin
I think I have a couple times.
H. Foley
Cut your losses.
Kevin
Starting to think that.
H. Foley
Hey, Hank, let's take a walk. Down by the creek. So they got Lenny. I never doing that. Mice and Men.
Kevin
Gary Sinise and of Bugs and Men.
H. Foley
I wanted to touch the lady's hair.
Kevin
You're gonna pet Diesel to death. Isn't that what he did? He killed the girl or the woman?
H. Foley
That was more than the puppy that he killed.
Kevin
Yeah, sure.
H. Foley
I think that was a minor charge.
Kevin
When they were like farmhand. They went like town to town, right? They weren't like.
H. Foley
It was during the depression.
Kevin
So was this okay?
H. Foley
John Steinbeck. He also did the grapes. Nothing.
Kevin
That was a great.
H. Foley
Why?
Kevin
He said that was during the depression. I said, so was this, I. E. Your depression?
H. Foley
There's your rude comment.
Kevin
It's too sad to laugh.
H. Foley
I need some chicken soup or something at the house? Yeah, bug me. I just give fever. Coming on. Sure.
Kevin
Course is great.
H. Foley
And I need Taco Bell cantina. Get the hot sauce clean.
Luke
Diablo sauce.
H. Foley
Tell you something, those cantina dishes, you throw a tablecloth over that one of those seats, you're in a Mexican restaurant.
Kevin
Take that to the thing.
H. Foley
There we go.
Kevin
Take that to the banco. All right, let's see. This is from Ascension. First time, long time. Never had one Red. Is it garbage if a clown taught you and your brothers how to throw a curveball when you were kids? Only a dirt bag would have this story. Growing up, a clown lived across the street from us briefly. He played minor league ball in his 20s before he took up being a clown.
H. Foley
That guy always had a heater hanging in his mouth. Makeup? No makeup.
Kevin
My brothers and I.
H. Foley
The clown.
Kevin
My brothers and I were always playing outside, playing baseball or throwing the ball to each other. Upon telling our mother, her face became incredibly serious. And she told us, under no circumstances are we to go into his house. This was on the northwest side of Chicago, and she grew up during the John Wayne Gacy. Error. Shout out to Bubbles the clown. I mean, for some reason, I picture
H. Foley
wearing the thing in the house. Like he just has it on all the time.
Kevin
I just picture him, like, shaking up a drink. You know what I mean? He's like. He's like a. He's like an 80s swing. Yeah, he's a Bachelor, you know what I mean? He's got one of those conversation pits he's like hanging out.
H. Foley
But a nasty slider, man. That's what I'm talking.
Kevin
That's it. Dude.
H. Foley
That's something else.
Kevin
So funny. And that was at a time. I don't know if that's happening. Like, I mean, we grew up with Giggles the Clown. It was my boy. Not my boy, kid I grew up with. His mom was the town clown.
H. Foley
You went a lot of places you shouldn't when we were kids.
Kevin
Yeah. You just did. Like, I don't think there's clowns walking around. Like. And I don't know why. I guess it's no longer like a perfect mirror, huh? And let's see my awesome Bernie's head.
H. Foley
You cover that budget for the new film you got going on there? I should have done better.
Kevin
Blame the Fever.
H. Foley
Fever jacking me up.
Kevin
Yeah, that. I don't know. I just. I can't foresee any of the kids I know in my lives. Live. Live.
H. Foley
We don't really know what's going on out there.
Kevin
True.
H. Foley
But I very picture kids.
Kevin
Yeah. I just don't know which, like, one of my nephews are gonna come in and be like, hey, Bubbles just taught me how to throw a perfect spiral. Like, that's never gonna happen.
H. Foley
Your brother cocked a shotgun.
Kevin
Exactly. I think we just looked. There was like. I.
H. Foley
There's a schedule now.
Kevin
But there's. I think there was like an over correction of like how lawless.
H. Foley
Yeah.
Kevin
The 60s, 70s and 80s were. Yeah, no, the 90s, you know, I don't think. Nuts. No, not as much as that.
H. Foley
But like, not the 80s and. Well, like San Bernardino, whatever. Fucking.
Kevin
Yeah, yeah. Anything else? Dude, the 80s in the. The West coast in the 80s.
H. Foley
If it wasn't LA. No way. No way. No.
Kevin
Go and get got, dude. I mean, it's just like it was
H. Foley
the quiet town of El Paso. Town, Whatever. Fuck that.
Kevin
Cucamonga.
H. Foley
Yeah, dude. Anywhere. A little bit north la, a little bit south la, start creeping towards San Fran. That was serial killer hunting ground. Which not a coincidence they say.
Kevin
Huh?
H. Foley
Bubbles Clown.
Kevin
Bubbles the Clown. Yeah. I was just like that kidnapped. Like the vans was big, free candy. I think as we learned all their tricks, you know what I mean?
H. Foley
My cousin had a little situation. They were walking home somewhere and like a guy tried to call him over and they bolted. These kids don't like fucking Jiu Jitsu and shit like that. They all got cell phones, fucking pepper spray, Glock nines, fucking tech nines. The Deal Throwing knives. Anybody that I know starting like the kids now. Like my little. My older cousins, like Brady and Michael and Aiden. They and Ryan, they. I think they kind of did their thing, but like kids now. It's a schedule, man.
Kevin
Sure.
H. Foley
Like I don't know where there's like.
Kevin
I mean, dirt bag kids are for sure. I mean, you're like, you know, you're
H. Foley
cracking one out in your room. Like, give me a little space over here. He's got this, he's got squash. He's got to do this. How many kick is a job, you know? You know what I'm saying?
Kevin
That's funny. My nephew, you know, was like, I gotta get a job. He wants to find a job down the shore for the summer or whatever like that.
H. Foley
That's another thing too. I you. It was impossible to get in one of those places. Bouncing at like the Avalon or something like that.
Kevin
I mean, he's not that age, but. Yeah, he's looking for like a busboy job or something.
H. Foley
Something. I'm toughen it up a little bit
Kevin
me a call bouncing at the Avalon. A linebacker for the. For Penn State Altoona. What are you talking about?
H. Foley
That's who gets that job.
Kevin
Yeah. No,
H. Foley
I have a kid in my family. It's a fudgy wudgy guy.
Kevin
Yeah.
H. Foley
That's crazy.
Kevin
I wanted to do that so bad. Which.
H. Foley
They push a cart with wheels up and down a beach, but usually go to Korean War vets.
Kevin
Yeah. Well, one I know Wildwood plays ball that it's like firemen or the hot dog. I've gone over this fireman I think are the hot dog guy. You have to be a fireman to be a hot dog vendor. And then I thought it was not prisoners of war. It was veteran. It was all POWs. No, it was. I thought you had to be a veteran. Can't be slammed. Oh, I haven't flashbacks. No. I thought you had to be a veteran to be the fudgy wudgy man. Yeah, there was one. I mean, we grew up with. When he retired, he got like his last fucking Labor Day. He was walking because they have like a. They have a territory like a 17th street to fucking 6th street or whatever
H. Foley
you want to talk.
Kevin
He got a standing ovation. Munda. Dude,
H. Foley
they're pretty good.
Kevin
Yeah, I mean, they're all good. They got fucking. Just slowly turning to the old men that complain. There's a fucking iced coffee guy on the beach and he's got a long. He's got a longer line than the fudgy wudgy guy.
H. Foley
He's goddamn kids.
Kevin
We were in la.
H. Foley
I went to computer class.
Kevin
We were in LA the other day. Whatever. Last week and the day we left, I walked to the Starbucks to get coffee in the morning.
H. Foley
Me and Ian went by that every morning was all the kids from all the kids.
Kevin
Dude, I was in line with fucking 50, 12 year olds. Imagine that, getting a cup of joe.
H. Foley
What are you saying? Crazy for that.
Luke
I mean, dude, coffee culture is completely changed the last like 15 years.
Kevin
I drink it. I like it in my toody mug.
H. Foley
So do I.
Kevin
You.
H. Foley
Where'd you go in the morning? Catered breakfast.
Kevin
I was just hanging.
H. Foley
Really?
Luke
Yeah. But what was the cool like you're
H. Foley
the cut off, I would say.
Luke
What?
H. Foley
You're the cut off, I would say.
Luke
What was like the cool summer job for you guys? I imagine you guys didn't have it.
Kevin
I respect.
H. Foley
What would you like? Lifeguard?
Kevin
Yeah. No, the coolest one I had, I thought was cool was at the golf course. That was like when they threw the
H. Foley
tennis balls at you.
Kevin
Why would they throw a tennis ball that way?
H. Foley
They called you fat, made you eat pizza.
Kevin
That's pretty cool. I was one of the guys.
H. Foley
You were the guy in the cart.
Kevin
I mean, I did a lot of things, but I was in the. Yeah, I wasn't closing ass. I did a lot of things. I was a. I was called court attendant. But to me, that was like, what? That was like Caddyshack a little bit. You know what I mean? It was like, you're outside. I had. You had to be there crazy early some days, which was like a responsibility. So you're like, oh, I'm not just working at a grocery store. Like, I'm like doing. It was a lot of fun. Every day you learn tipping culture, cash. Cash.
H. Foley
Yeah.
Kevin
You fucking. There's like a little. There's a little economy in there that you learn how. It wasn't just like, my friends are like, I'm a camp counselor.
H. Foley
We learn how to play ball.
Kevin
Yeah, you learn how to. You fucking learn how to be a dirt bike. That was my first scam.
H. Foley
Yeah.
Kevin
I stole the tokens from the fucking mama's. Yeah. So I'm popping back.
H. Foley
That's how you learn five on you.
Kevin
You also learn how I can like,
H. Foley
put you in with adults for sure.
Kevin
But then like, yeah, my. My son. My co workers were grown men. You know what I mean? Like, that was their. That was their career. And I was like, summer help. But you learn how to pop out. I'm a Sneak off and catch a seat. You don't have to, like, work the system within the system. Make a couple bucks here and there. Be a dirt ball. Yeah. Some of my formative years.
H. Foley
Yeah. My two buddies worked at a. At a camp all summer. Cushy. Me and my buddy Kramer were fucking pumping gas at the fucking Hess station on Germantown Pike.
Kevin
Yeah.
H. Foley
Whoa. Had to wear a uniform and everything. That I would say was one of my favorite jobs. Just because I had the outfit. The uniform wore a bandana. Felt cool.
Luke
With a buddy.
H. Foley
Yeah. Oh, man. They started to break us up eventually.
Luke
Yeah.
H. Foley
We're working together, if you know what I mean.
Luke
When they. When they figure it out. Halfway through the summer, ruins. Everything sucks. We were at the field club that we were all snack bar managers. And then they figured out we were all buddies and they just started.
H. Foley
Probably got a lot of cows on your fingers from those, huh?
Kevin
Shut it down.
H. Foley
They cut myself in a Fritos bag, sir. And then the car wash. The car wash, that was. That was. That was the best brand new car wash in Paoli. There was no, like, dirt. Everything was clean. Because you were standing out there. When the car came out. You wipe it down, you know. Nice. We get that wax on your shoes. You kill yourself coming down that driveway. But that was a good one. But never lifeguard or damn arcade would be cool.
Kevin
All right. Let's see here. This is from Gunner. We were just talking. We were just talking. This is from $10, homie. What's more trashy, canned or frozen vegetables? I gotta go canned for sure. Can't canned anything.
H. Foley
I think they're both fantastic in their unique way.
Kevin
I do feel like frozen vegetables lack all nutrients.
H. Foley
No, I think it's the opposite.
Kevin
I feel. I know. I'm just saying, like, they, they. They're like, tasteless. They're like, too light. They're like. I feel like everything gets zapped out of them.
H. Foley
You don't go Green Giant. What are you getting?
Kevin
No.
H. Foley
Bird's eye. Yeah.
Kevin
I just feel like. Yeah. See what's better?
Luke
Oh, frozen vegetables. As soon as you. Because they freeze them as soon as they pluck them from the ground. So all the nutrients are saved in them.
Kevin
Okay.
Luke
Yeah.
H. Foley
And tell you that at film school. Did they? Huh? By the way, the lady in the water sucked. Actually, I loved it. There's a Ron Howard reference. Never saw that. Paul Giamatti never saw lady in the Water.
Kevin
I don't like broad movies. I don't like chick flicks. Okay. All right. I'm joking.
H. Foley
Then they Shyamalan. Actually, it wasn't Ron Howard. It was. His daughter was in it. Well, she would know. She's your daughter, ladies and gentlemen, and
Kevin
we're happy for her.
H. Foley
I love her.
Kevin
I wish you well. Yeah, I don't know. I just think can. Can caught such a bad rap.
H. Foley
Like the metal or whatever.
Kevin
No, just like. Yeah, can. It was like very cheap. It was like last forever. I'm not. I get it. I'm just saying, like publicly it had some bad PR of like. You're eating canned. Anything in a can be Cold war shit. Yeah, that's 19 fucking 50.
Luke
Canned is the same though, as the frozen vegetables as they just add. It's more processed. But they're harvested at their nutritional peak, both of them.
H. Foley
They cook them in like that salty water. That liquid.
Kevin
Used to love that they cooked them in that.
H. Foley
Yeah, they're cooked.
Kevin
Yeah.
H. Foley
You don't like canned green beans? What about wax beans?
Kevin
I love canned green beans. That's the green Giant and that's what we grew up with.
H. Foley
Good man love. Put a little butter on there, a little salt, pepper.
Kevin
I think we just. Just roll dog them stupid.
H. Foley
Scooping it out with a tablespoon cereal bowl.
Kevin
Yeah.
H. Foley
I don't know.
Kevin
I do. I will. I will. I'll do both can. But the difference is wild.
H. Foley
The first time I had a fresh green bean.
Kevin
The.
H. Foley
Is this.
Kevin
Oh, yeah.
H. Foley
It's tough as.
Kevin
Yeah. What the. Why isn't this mushy? Why isn't this baby food yet? Yeah, yeah.
H. Foley
You know, it doesn't get enough of snap peas. I can snap pee.
Kevin
Sure. I like all kind of peas.
H. Foley
Yeah. I haven't with peas in a long time. Thank you.
Kevin
Kevin here to help.
H. Foley
That was a weekend planned out.
Kevin
That was one of my big struggle foods. I would always buy the huge bag of frozen peas. That was like what? That was like my vegetable. I kept stock.
H. Foley
Oh, you get a little rice and some ketchup.
Kevin
I mean, dude something. The one time I remember being so broke in my. In my. When I was staying, I was sleeping on the couch. My boys.
H. Foley
Simplicity.
Kevin
When I first moved to New York, it was. It was. I would do peas and hot sauce. A whole. A whole bowl of them.
H. Foley
You couldn't throw some minute rice in there.
Kevin
I had nine. Nothing.
H. Foley
What was your dumps like?
Kevin
I was like a fucking. I was like a fit homeless person.
H. Foley
I don't think you're allowed to do that. That's like drinking a gallon of milk. That could kill you.
Kevin
Laying off.
H. Foley
You would knock them out one at a Time?
Kevin
What do you mean? Not one at a time?
H. Foley
No, a bag. You cook the whole bag?
Kevin
Not the whole bag, but I would have a big bag and I'd be like, well, I need as much volume in me as I need to, you know, got plug me up here. So I would just do. I would eat a whole. I throw. I fill it with water and I throw it in the microwave and just let that cook till it gets hot in the summer.
H. Foley
Would you have them frozen?
Kevin
Cool off, blow on myself.
H. Foley
Very refreshing.
Kevin
Yeah, that was like. That was just like what? I had overdrafted my account.
H. Foley
You used to pull some dishes out of Titan street that I was like, I know I can't ask him for some, but man, that looks good.
Kevin
House full of losers.
H. Foley
We were hippy's rice. Fried onion or dried onions and barbecue sauce.
Kevin
Zip to it.
H. Foley
Yeah.
Kevin
I do a nice piece of chicken, chop it up in the pan.
H. Foley
Small pieces.
Kevin
Small? Yeah, small. They chop it up.
H. Foley
A lot of breadcrumbs in there.
Kevin
That's a real juice in a bowl. I'd get like a box of penne I'd cooked up. I think I'd cooked the pasta in the microwave as well.
H. Foley
I'm starving. Stop killing me. And whatever I eat goes right through me. I ate that Power Bar. Went through me.
Kevin
I don't think it moves that quick. It does not.
H. Foley
Started something. That's impossible. Well, I'll tell you what wouldn't be a good move. Rigatoni bolognese. And I drink out my head at right now. That sounds delicious.
Kevin
Sure.
H. Foley
But simplicity. Yeah. Like Charlie Unger.
Kevin
Stu Unger.
H. Foley
No, it's Stu Unger.
Kevin
Stu Hunger.
H. Foley
Charlie Unger.
Kevin
I was a Stu Unger guy.
H. Foley
Stu Ungar. Was. Was that from Barney Miller? No, Night Court. Stu Unger. Don't say something stupid.
Kevin
What do you mean? What do you mean?
H. Foley
Don't say like the Drew Carey. I'll slap the out of you. Make me sick. He said another one the other day. Wild. What? It was on the same thing of Becker. It was something.
Kevin
I don't know what you mean.
H. Foley
Rubbing it on my face at this point.
Kevin
What?
H. Foley
It was a weird show that you watched? Yeah.
Kevin
Okay.
H. Foley
Who's Stu Unger?
Luke
Professional poker player.
H. Foley
Thank you. Next.
Luke
Not to be confused with Charlie Munger.
H. Foley
Munger guy probably had a hog on him. Yo, Munger closing ass.
Kevin
He just got mungered. He's putting his pants back on. He's buckling. Pulling up his.
H. Foley
Tell your old man watch the market tomorrow.
Kevin
Gotta go up five to 10 points.
H. Foley
And you just Got mongered. We're in, we're out.
Kevin
Sell, sell, sell.
H. Foley
This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Yeah, Kip, did you know May is mental health awareness month?
Kevin
I did not know that. Thank you for informing me.
H. Foley
We are aware of our mental health.
Kevin
Yes, very much.
H. Foley
We have taken steps to do our mental health work on our mental health.
Kevin
Yes.
H. Foley
And where did that all start? Better Help.
Kevin
Betterhelp.
H. Foley
That's where it started. You got something to be going on. You got something small going on. For me, I didn't really how to be a human being, you know, straight through Better Help pointing in the right direction. Licensed therapist privacy, your own home. It's fantastic.
Kevin
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H. Foley
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H. Foley
Do it.
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H. Foley
Man, but simplicity.
Kevin
Why you keep going back?
H. Foley
I don't know.
Kevin
What are you. What are we on an am?
H. Foley
Rad peas and rice really sound good right now. Probably be good for me. You know, like when. When dog sick, they give him ground beef and rice. It's always jealous of that.
Kevin
I think it's chicken. I don't think they give them ground beef. That's what's wrong with the dog. Dude. No. No species gets. No species of anything. Get sick and someone go, you know, you need a little hamburger.
H. Foley
I swear to God, my mom gives me hamburgers and not hamburgers.
Kevin
Smash burgers, extra onions.
H. Foley
She gives them ground beef and rice.
Kevin
Okay. I think it's usually boiled. Like it's usually like fried or boiled chicken.
H. Foley
No flavor.
Kevin
I think that's the whole point there. Guys.
H. Foley
Get out of here. Gotta put a little Ortega on that.
Kevin
A little old base off the old base seasoning. They like a crab fry dog's, I'm sure. Probably. I would assume ground beef does work for a dog.
H. Foley
I don't want to have this.
Luke
This is gonna safe and nutritious in moderation. What for dogs?
Kevin
Let's see if they're sick. It's gotta be. If they're like. If they have like ulcerative colitis or whatever.
H. Foley
Ma'. Am. Your dog has cancer. What do you think, Dr. Whataburger?
Luke
Ground beef is excellent for sick dogs.
Kevin
Yeah, There you go.
Luke
Get you some ground beef, dog.
Kevin
Makes sense.
H. Foley
Me or.
Kevin
Put you down.
H. Foley
Patty would put a little. What's this stuff? Broth in it. Look good.
Kevin
Look good for the dogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
H. Foley
No, for me. Nice. I'm gonna go back to simple. Start cooking again.
Kevin
You go. I like that. I like that. For you. Okay. This is a great name.
H. Foley
Hit me.
Kevin
Jehovah. Thickness. Is it garbage to always order penne pasta while I'm out to eat so I can pick it up with my fork by stabbing them through the holes? I gotta be honest with you.
H. Foley
Love it.
Kevin
Yeah. I always do something. When it comes to pasta, I'm out on spaghetti.
H. Foley
I'm done with it. I'm so done with it.
Kevin
What's a good dish with spaghetti?
H. Foley
You make it at home. It's still rigatoni or penne. That's it. You want to do a fusilli? I'll give you a few.
Kevin
I like a bow tie or some
H. Foley
of that weird eye tie shit that they use, you know, for folly, all that crap.
Kevin
Yeah. Anything with a little dimension to it.
H. Foley
Yeah.
Kevin
Then your family give me a little nook, a cranny. There's a new one right now that's banging my wife's like. It's gotta be. Blah, blah, blah. Tortellini portal. What am I, A. Was she a Cascatelli? Cascatelli.
Luke
Him got a lot of ridges.
Kevin
Yeah.
H. Foley
Owes me a lot of money.
Kevin
It holds them. It holds the sauce there. How do you spell that?
Luke
C, A, S, C, A, T, E,
H. Foley
L, L, I. Cappatelli was the big one a few years ago.
Kevin
Jimmy Cappitelli. Yeah. This thing.
H. Foley
The thing looks like a tongue when it's.
Luke
Yeah, like this looks almost like a gnocchi.
H. Foley
Yeah. Yeah.
Kevin
Okay. I don't need that. Like a whale vagina. Dog's dick.
H. Foley
Yeah, you don't get. You get. You start getting an Italian stuff.
Kevin
This is new.
H. Foley
He's looking at you weird.
Kevin
They just a modern pasta shape, meaning little waterfalls in Italian. Designed by Dan Pashman, designing this.
H. Foley
Holy shit.
Kevin
Find out what year that happened. I think it's like brand new.
H. Foley
There's no way. I wouldn't allow them. That would have to be called the pashman. I bet you rigatoni was rigatoni, right, Jimmy?
Kevin
Rigatoni, whoever. I feel. You know another rigatoni, then?
H. Foley
No, I know rigatonis.
Luke
This was invented in 2021.
Kevin
I told you. That's Great news.
H. Foley
Who's this dickhead?
Luke
Dan Pashman.
H. Foley
Who's that? He's not even a tank.
Luke
He's an American food podcaster.
H. Foley
No shit.
Luke
He's a peer.
H. Foley
All right, Take it all back. Welcome, brother. Couple of boxes.
Kevin
Food pot.
H. Foley
And it took off.
Kevin
Yeah.
Luke
I mean, clearly.
H. Foley
This guy. You're moving coffee mugs. This guy's creating pasta.
Kevin
Well, you're shitting your pants right now. What are you told? What are you fucking breaking my stomach?
H. Foley
I'm going back to the lab.
Kevin
You just been. I told you the worst meal I ever had was a bowl of peas. You went, hmm, sounds pretty good.
H. Foley
I'm going home and getting. Getting to work. Creating a new pasta.
Luke
Pashman wanted to create a shape that was easy to pick up with a fork held thick sauce as well and provided a satisfying bite.
H. Foley
And it took off in the industry. Good man.
Kevin
Can you buy. But you can buy boxes of it, right? See if you can buy a box. Like, who's making it? Does he have to license that to, like, Barilla Berea? But he has his own brand. You can't own a shape.
H. Foley
Yeah, you can, can you? Yeah.
Kevin
Who owns rigatoni?
H. Foley
You probably get this. Probably goes for a little while. Then it. Then you can make.
Kevin
You get a patent on it. Patent's like 27 years or 25 years or something like that.
H. Foley
Pretty stumped about this one.
Luke
There's. I mean, there's only one brand. Let me make sure.
H. Foley
It's got to be his.
Luke
Yeah, it's his brand.
Kevin
No, no shit.
Luke
Fogglini.
Kevin
Fog.
H. Foley
You see this at, like, Teresi and your little fancy restaurants.
Luke
I'm sure it'll be there soon.
H. Foley
Okay.
Kevin
Oh, there's another. They. They. They've ripped it looks like they've ripped it off.
H. Foley
Oh, we're not throwing shade at anybody.
Kevin
Ron Zoni, you know, Ronzoni.
H. Foley
What? The high school. His daughter.
Kevin
The Creste de Gallo. Do you see that Ronzoni family. It looks like the same.
H. Foley
Just make them all dinosaurs. What are we doing?
Kevin
That's crazy.
Luke
Yeah, that's a rip.
Kevin
That's a rip. That's a fucking.
Luke
But they don't have the little ridge down the middle, which I do think.
Kevin
Not down the middle. They can't have it. They got a macaroni elbow and put some ridges on it back.
H. Foley
Yeah, that's the same shit with fucking McDowell's. They don't have a sesame seed bun. Same thing. It's a little Big Mac with a big mick, which I respect. Me too.
Kevin
I respect the ripoff I always want
H. Foley
to eat at McDonald's.
Kevin
Hit the peas.
H. Foley
No, Have Louie Anderson make me a shake.
Kevin
All right, let's see here. This is from Nocturnal Emissions. Longtime listener. Accidental New money subscriber.
H. Foley
Whoa.
Kevin
I'm not sure if he accidentally signed up or he accidentally has new money.
H. Foley
Hope the latter.
Kevin
Is it. Yeah. Is it garbage to put your used toilet paper in the trash can instead of flushing it down the toilet? Growing up, we had a weak water pressure on the flush, so it would clog if you flushed the TP instead of fixing the problem. My parents just told everybody to wipe and toss it in the can instead of flushing it. I thought this was normal until my first sleepover. Oh, my God.
H. Foley
Oh, my God.
Kevin
Now do you think? I wish. I wish there was a follow up. Is it someone slept over his house or he slept over someone's house, took a duke and just dumped it in the trash can? I would fucking. You would be banned from Orion.
H. Foley
The old man came in with his heaters in this paper
Kevin
cup of Joe, ready to snap one off. Oh, that's crazy how Europeans do that.
H. Foley
They got no water to Europe.
Kevin
Where in Europe? I know south, like Central and South America.
H. Foley
Do they want to take a dump? They come here. States.
Kevin
That's wild work. But it's got to be like villages, like cities, like fucking Madrid isn't doing that. That's wild. Yeah, fine. Give me a. Give me a locale on who does that. I've been to a couple of parts of Europe. I ain't never fucking if I did.
H. Foley
I've been when I was in Santorini.
Kevin
That makes sense. It's a fucking ancient civilization. I was in. Not Brazil. I was in Colombia, way down among Brazilians. And I didn't know we were supposed to be doing that. And I was throwing it out the window. No, I was flushing it, and then someone's like, well, who's flushing the toy? I probably fucked up the whole island.
H. Foley
Couple choppers from Cartagena come in. Oh, senor, what do you got?
Luke
Common in parts of Greece, Turkey, Egypt, Eastern Europe, Southeast Asia, and parts of South America.
Kevin
All right, that's not Europe. That's Eastern Europe and fucking Turkey, which, by the way, they got bigger fucking issues going on.
H. Foley
Yeah, Yeah.
Kevin
I mean, Western Europe. No one's doing that and fucking. You're not going to a pub and fucking throwing your. Your. Your shitty toilet paper out.
H. Foley
Yeah. You see a look on my face?
Kevin
Yeah.
H. Foley
This is taking over. This is vicious. I'm a little scared.
Kevin
Okay, don't throw out that toilet Paper flush at you. I'll lose the fucking security deposit here.
H. Foley
The mares in there. He's got elected. This kid's fat. Is Jimmy up.
Kevin
All right, let's see here. Yeah, that. First of all, that sucks. That's so embarrassing. I'm so. I'm so happy. I grew up with like minded dirt bags. And also my family was so big.
H. Foley
Plumbing.
Kevin
We have plumbing. But, like, nothing like that would have been able to sustain.
H. Foley
What do you mean? Oh, they would have been really cooled out of the business.
Kevin
Well, no, I'm saying if I was. If my family was shitting in and then throwing it. I know, but then if I went to my fucking Aunt Karen's house, my cousin Liam would be like, the fuck are you doing? Throw. Yeah, it was. All that shit would have been correct. We lived a very. Maybe it was after integrated lives. It would have been.
H. Foley
Here's the question. The question. Did the mom or dad call the kid out, embarrass him, or go, hey, your buddy Timmy over there.
Kevin
I don't know how it would handle that.
H. Foley
Take the trash out first?
Kevin
Did I ever tell you I had a kid? I think my neighbor. There was shit all over our pal. Like, all over the bathroom downstairs. Like, all over. It was like. It got all over his. It looked intentional.
H. Foley
Sometimes people get in those situations, they don't know what to do, and they get embarrassed and they run. I stay. I stay. I stay and I clean up my kill Winston Wolf. I lock the door, I look under the sink. I find what I need. Cleaning products, you know what I mean? Bed sheets. Whatever I need to do and get it done.
Kevin
I get that.
H. Foley
Some people get embalaging people. Shit.
Kevin
I mean, he was a kid. Yeah, but it was like. It was everywhere. And I remember. And I remember he went to the bathroom and came out, was like, I'm gonna go. And I was like, all right, later, man. He's my neighbor. I was like, all right, later. And then my mom came down and was like, what did you do? And I was like, what? She's. I was like, that was Ryan.
H. Foley
He ate a whole box of Ronzoni and.
Kevin
Yeah, and then we found the neighbor's houses. Well, it might have been a behavioral
H. Foley
issue with a kid. Like, his parents were Vito's kid taking a shit in the shower.
Kevin
Yeah.
H. Foley
Respect and move.
Kevin
Mark your territory like a beagle.
H. Foley
Yeah.
Kevin
Yeah, I was that always. I remember my mom going, you never do that. I don't ever do that. I mean, what are you, Dahmer?
H. Foley
No shit. Oh, smearing.
Kevin
I'M watching. I mean, we've somebody. It's not like out of the. She didn't just wake me up in the middle of the night. Go. Don't ever shit. It's some kid just did it. And she's like fucking alert. If you're a child, alert an adult. Have them call me something.
H. Foley
Oh, you gotta peek at the door, Mrs. Olson. I ruined your bathroom. Can you call my mom? Ever stop a wallet?
Kevin
She. I remember she. She shamed me. She's like. I put. I was pooping in my friend's.
H. Foley
Your mom?
Kevin
Yeah, his mom. No, my mom came over. No. What?
H. Foley
I don't know.
Kevin
This isn't fucking. This.
H. Foley
Is he shitting.
Kevin
Only guy. Only guy who tries to guess the ending of the story.
H. Foley
Go ahead.
Kevin
At the beginning of the story, I remember I somehow told my mom I was pooping at my friend Matt's house. She's like, interesting kid.
H. Foley
That boy right there's gonna be a rocket scientist. So mom taking a dump over at Lenny's.
Kevin
But did you. And I don't. I just.
H. Foley
What did she say?
Kevin
She's like, you're pooping at their house.
H. Foley
What?
Kevin
And I was like, yeah. Why would I not.
H. Foley
Oh, that wouldn't even matter thing.
Kevin
What you were. As a kid, you would poop at someone else's house, right?
H. Foley
Everywhere.
Luke
I was just scared, but of what? I just. I. I could only poop at home.
H. Foley
I loved it. A nicer house than ours, a nicer bathroom. Shut the door. Smell the. You know, whatever.
Kevin
I didn't. Yeah.
H. Foley
Pick up a golf magazine or something.
Kevin
They had magazines.
H. Foley
Dump it out. That's like getting a haircut.
Kevin
I didn't have shame at someone's house. I had shame at school. You don't want to have to poop at school.
H. Foley
High school, any school, college.
Kevin
Why are those the only two schools in your head? No. Elementary. You got it. Dude, if you. If you get caught pooping in fourth
H. Foley
grade, I would say like sixth. Seventh grade. Fourth grade. Just. You're making doo doo's. I didn't even know about it.
Kevin
Know about what?
H. Foley
Like that it was a thing like that People would make fun of you. It wasn't so. Puberty.
Kevin
Oh, no, there was. There was.
H. Foley
Really?
Kevin
You got caught pooping and. Yeah. Don't do. I remember there was two urinals and then two stalls.
H. Foley
That's too close. You need 50 yards.
Kevin
Well, that's what I'm saying. No one ever went into this. Like, you didn't even pee in there. Like, even if the other two. You didn't want to get caught walking out of there and then being like, ah. Everybody just go running out of the bathroom. Turn the, turn the lights off.
H. Foley
Get your wet piece of paper towel head.
Luke
Yeah, fuck that vaping saved a lot in high school because like that got really big and then it was cool to be in the bathrooms vaping.
Kevin
There you go.
Luke
Yeah, like so you just.
H. Foley
Blueberry mint, dude.
Luke
Exactly.
Kevin
Damn. Yeah, no, we didn't have that. We also didn't have the fighting in the bat. We were a very anti bathroom school. Never fought in the bathroom.
H. Foley
It was settled.
Kevin
Oh yeah, was it? What are you, maximum security? It's where it was settled.
H. Foley
You got a caller, you got a
Kevin
beef, you shoot the fade.
H. Foley
Okay, what's the fade?
Kevin
Run. Run the fade with you. What? They were an athlete.
H. Foley
I thought it was.
Kevin
I've never heard a three point shot referred to as the fade.
H. Foley
The fade. I feel like you can hear Marv Albert saying that.
Kevin
I don't.
Luke
I mean probably the most cowardly shot too.
H. Foley
Why three point shot? Cowardly shot.
Kevin
Yeah. Because you're out in there and bang it out.
H. Foley
Get the fuck out of town. Raining from the outside. I go tell Steph Curry that.
Luke
See you go hard in the pain.
Kevin
Notoriously big as bitch. Yeah, all right, well, whatever. We gotta wrap it up, gang.
H. Foley
We love you to death. Hopefully I'm still here in a couple of days. I don't know how this cold is going to settle in. Go find me. We'll be getting. Shut up.
Kevin
Sure.
H. Foley
We love you and we'll see you next week.
Kevin
Peace.
In this "family episode" of Are You Garbage? (May 18, 2026), comedians and co-hosts H. Foley and Kevin Ryan fly solo (with producer Luke) for an extended riff session on the dirtbag habits of famous billionaires, their own humble upbringings, and the everyday “garbage” behaviors shared among listeners. The episode is a trademark tapestry of self-deprecating stand-up bits, working-class nostalgia, playful shaming, and off-the-cuff rants about why so many ultra-rich people remain unglamorous (and what that says about American class culture). The hosts also field audience questions about garbage behaviors—from changing into suits in a parking lot to pasta strategy to the etiquette of public pooping.
On Buffett’s cheapness:
On Rich Dirtbags:
On changing in a car:
On childhood working life:
On food struggle:
On garbage bathroom behaviors:
| Segment | Timestamp | |---------|-----------| | Family episode, show plugs, merch jokes | 00:00–03:13 | | Dissecting Warren Buffett’s breakfast routine | 05:35–09:30 | | More billionaire cheapskate tales (Ergen, Premji) | 11:33–14:42 | | Listener Q: Changing in a parking lot | 21:05–24:28 | | Listener Q: Clown taught to pitch | 29:28–31:42 | | Listener Q: Canned vs. frozen veggies | 38:46–41:59 | | Listener Q: Toilet paper in trash | 53:44–56:56 | | Foods of poverty/streetwise recipes | 41:27–43:10 | | Pasta shapes & penne strategies | 49:35–52:44 |
Are You Garbage? once again celebrates America’s lovable dirtbags (rich and poor), champions the joys of lowbrow living, and proves that everyone, billionaires included, is a little bit trash.