Are You Garbage? Podcast: "Cops Under the Influence!" w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Date: September 22, 2025
Hosts: Kevin Ryan, H. Foley
Episode Overview:
A classic "family episode" of Are You Garbage?, with hosts Kevin Ryan and H. Foley riffing on aging, obscure hiding spots for valuables, odd childhood habits, and some hilariously offbeat hypotheticals (What if H. Foley became a vampire?). The episode hits its comedic stride while dissecting what makes someone “garbage” through listener questions, finally building up to the viral story of a cop allegedly under the influence on duty—a perfect prompt for the guys’ blend of irreverent humor, blue-collar wisdom, and personal confessions.
Main Themes & Purpose
- Aging & Being "Garbage": Exploring the indignities and oddities of growing old the garbage way, including physical changes and the emotional toll.
- Childhood Garbage Tactics: Hiding illicit stuff as a kid, and what counts as “classy” or “trash” when hiding valuables today.
- Listener Questions: Putting classic Are You Garbage? scenarios under the microscope—bring-your-own-seat weddings, reusing produce bags, and more.
- Commentary on Viral Content: The viral story of a cop under the influence, dissected with biting humor and a dash of empathy.
- The Signature Tone: Rapid-fire banter, nostalgia, and absurd hypothetical scenarios—layered with plenty of self-deprecation.
Key Topics & Segments
1. Aging & Recognizing You’re “Garbage”
Timestamps: [04:10]–[08:14]
- H. Foley discusses feeling the effects of age: changes to skin, hair, and "old man" features.
- Memorable quote:
H. Foley [04:31]: “Despite my overweight appearance… my eyes, my skin are starting to get a little bit older. And the thing I wanted to break out to you is—the hair situation.”
- Memorable quote:
- Kevin chimes in about “old man hog” feeling, drawing laughs:
- Kevin Ryan [07:00]: “It hit me the other day... I gotta tell you—It's an old man hog. One or two extra wrinkles. Now I have a baby, and I'm like, that's getting older.”
2. Would You Rather Be a Vampire or a Gargoyle?
Timestamps: [08:14]–[11:15]
- Wild hypothetical: Foley’s fantasy of becoming a 400-year-old vampire, contrasted by Kevin’s skepticism and roasting.
- Kevin Ryan [09:47]: “You’d have 400 years to blow it. That’s what you would do.”
- H. Foley [10:59]: “Maybe a gargoyle... freeze me in stone for a thousand years—then what? I don’t know, go get something to eat.”
3. Hiding Spots & Childhood "Garbage" Tactics
Timestamps: [12:00]–[18:25]
- Listener Jacob asks about decoy safes for thieves and the guys share their own childhood hiding spots:
- Gutted Red Dog plush for cigs and weed.
- DIY jacket-pockets for stashing valuables.
- Hiding in “dirty hamper” or shirt pockets as the ultimate move.
- Kevin Ryan [14:17]: “I always was big into hiding spots as a kid… Hide my fucking cigs, my lighters... Always had really good ones.”
- Foley’s confidence: Dave Trolley [22:33]: “Come by, see what you find. Nothing.”
- Segues into a debate about classy people with safety deposit boxes vs. “dirtbag” hiding styles.
4. Nostalgia: Stuffed Animals, Cartoons, and Bags
Timestamps: [13:34]–[18:25], [29:02]–[36:22]
- Luke shares he kept “Bunny and George” (Curious George plush) till age 11 or 12.
- Hosts reminisce on wrestling plushies, Red Dog plush, odd childhood toys, and running groceries home in plastic bags.
- Discussion grows into adult gripes about produce bags, reusable grocery bags, and the decline of the classic plastic “Thank You” bag.
- Kevin Ryan [31:33]: “The utility of a plastic bag in your house, there’s nothing better.”
5. Beach “Garbage” Culture and Environmental Tangents
Timestamps: [23:12]–[28:56]
- Discussions range from hiding valuables at the beach, plastic bags, and picking up dog poop with produce bags.
- Spontaneous tangent on ocean pollution, beach waste, and “syringe tides” of the '80s.
- Kevin Ryan [26:00]: “Remember that... Needles and other medical waste were reported washing ashore in Maryland, Delaware and Virginia.”
6. Is it Garbage...? Listener Questions Lightning Round
Selected Timestamps:
- Decoy Safes: [12:00]–[13:56]
- Reusing produce bags: [29:02]–[31:46]
- Bring-your-own-chair weddings: [42:36]–[44:04]
- Two different shoes to court: [47:14]–[48:12]
- Smoking at the beach: [24:19]–[25:15]
- Using seashells as ashtrays: [59:00]–[63:19]
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- On Aging:
- Kevin Ryan [07:00]: “It’s an old man hog... one or two extra wrinkles. I’m like, what the hell is he—caught him and thought, that ain’t good.”
- On Hypotheticals:
- H. Foley [09:08]: “I like the idea of being omnipotent… If I became a vampire tonight… I’d know everything. I’d speak every language.”
- Kevin Ryan [09:47]: “You’d blow it, steal it. You’d be fatter. You can’t get out during the day.”
- On Childhood Tactics:
- Kevin Ryan [14:17]: “I gutted the Red Dog in the middle, kept my cigs in there—a real good hiding spot.”
- On Plastic Bags:
- Kevin Ryan [31:33]: “The utility of a plastic bag in your house, there’s nothing better…”
- On Drunk Cops:
- Kevin Ryan [50:14]: “My man, this guy is looking at you like he’s on ketamine. Like, this guy’s zooted.”
- Dave Trolley [52:00]: “Oh, man, this poor guy… The guy’s got a bad back. His wife’s leaving him from now on.”
- Kevin Ryan [54:41]: “If this was the '80s, that guy would just get fucking clunked over the head, shut up… Dragged to the outskirts of town… left out of the jurisdiction.”
Cops Under the Influence: Viral Segment
Timestamps: [48:50]–[58:32]
- The guys riff relentlessly on the viral video of a Massachusetts cop allegedly showing up to a call while extremely intoxicated; discuss if a drunk cop can even identify another drunk person, and the wild hypothetical of interacting with one.
- Kevin Ryan [50:42]: “This is how I know another person’s drunk—because I know I’m drunk… and if me and this dude are speaking the same language, 100% he’s also fucked up.”
- Extended jokes about the cop’s “bad back” excuse; banter about police solidarity, local news “playing ball,” and how today’s bodycam culture makes it impossible to cover up.
Audience Q&A & More "Is This Garbage?"
Timestamps: Interwoven throughout
- Listeners ask, the hosts decide:
- Bringing your own chair and beer cooler to a wedding ("Only if it's a casual backyard bash!"),
- Wearing two different shoes to court ("You’re losing that case, buddy."),
- Reusing produce bags (“They get terrarium-type in the fridge—disgusting!”),
- Using seashells as beach ashtrays (“Classic shore trash behavior; are those things thousands of years old or new?”).
Noteworthy Details & Running Gags
- Frequent callbacks to growing up “garbage,” hiding things from parents, and the “mental load” of carrying in groceries.
- Tangents on animal biology: “How do seashells become seashells?” (“I worked a double last night and I got a bad back…”).
- Self-aware: “It's ironic we're talking about trash on Are You Garbage?” – Kevin Ryan [27:25]
- Classic Are You Garbage? sign-off stress on the community: “Make sure you get your tickets to the Back of the Block tour…”
Closing
Timestamps: [63:33]–[63:46]
- H. Foley and Kevin Ryan wrap up, plugging the live tour and signing off with gratitude and affection for their audience.
- H. Foley [63:45]: “Love you, we’ll see you next week.”
Recommended Time-Stamps for Key Segments
- Aging & body confessions: [04:10]–[08:14]
- Vampire/gargoyle fake career debate: [08:14]–[11:15]
- Hiding spots and valuables: [12:00]–[18:25], [22:15]–[23:13]
- Listener Q&A lightning round: Multiple, e.g., decoy safes [12:00], produce bags [29:02], bring-your-own-chair wedding [42:36], shoes to court [47:14], seashells as ashtrays [59:00]
- Drunk cop viral story & trash police banter: [48:50]–[58:32]
Summary Tone & Takeaway
Fast-paced, unapologetically blue-collar, with vulnerability peeking through the jokes, this episode is peak Are You Garbage?—a mix of camaraderie, personal confession, and hilarious social observation on what makes someone “trashy”—or just human. Whether they’re debating how seashells wash ashore, making fun of old-man penises, or imagining being a vampire just to manage their weight, H. Foley, Kevin Ryan, and their crew deliver classic, unfiltered comedy.