Craig Ferguson!

Summary

Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast – Episode Summary: Craig Ferguson Released on May 15, 2025

Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

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Introduction

In this episode of "Are You Garbage?," hosts Kevin Ryan and H. Foley welcome the legendary comedian and former late-night talk show host, Craig Ferguson. The episode adopts the show's signature blend of humor and candid conversation, aiming to uncover whether Gerald comedians like Ferguson possess the "classiness" or fall into the category of "GARBAGE."

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Early Life and Family Background ([03:08] – [07:03])

Craig Ferguson delves into his upbringing in Glasgow, Scotland, providing a humorous yet heartfelt account of his childhood. He shares anecdotes about his parents—his father, a dedicated postman who rose to become the Chief Inspector of the Edinburgh Post Office, and his mother, a schoolteacher. Ferguson reminisces about the modest lifestyle, highlighting memorable moments such as "dinner was like egg and fries" and the scarcity of meat in their meals.

Notable Quote:

Craig Ferguson: "We were in a one-bedroom tenement... then moved to the projects, which were meant to be fancy but weren't fancy at all." [07:03]

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Musical Pursuits and Early Adventures ([07:03] – [11:45])

At 16, Ferguson ventured into the punk rock scene, joining a band and living in shared accommodations in Glasgow. He recounts the vibrant yet challenging music scene of the early '80s, including tours across Britain and interactions with fellow musicians.

Notable Quote:

Craig Ferguson: "I was the drummer in a punk rock band... lived in the back of a van. Shared a room with some guys in the West End of Glasgow." [08:07]

Ferguson also touches upon his experiences in New York City's East Village during the mid-'80s, painting a vivid picture of the area's cultural and social dynamics, including encounters with notable figures like Grandmaster Flash.

Notable Quote:

Craig Ferguson: "There's nobody's wanting to put a hotel next to a nuclear power plant... So they have this nice Airstream trailer and it lights up at night." [10:08]

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Transition to Comedy and Personal Struggles ([11:49] – [16:07])

Ferguson opens up about his early foray into comedy, initially as a drummer at punk shows, and his challenges with substance abuse. He shares a pivotal moment at age 13 when an incident involving underage drinking led to his first arrest, impacting his academic performance and contributing to his decision to drop out of high school at 16.

Notable Quote:

Craig Ferguson: "I blacked out and I got arrested at thirteen. Woke up in my own pee." [12:23]

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Move to America and Comedy Career Beginnings ([16:07] – [31:02])

Seeking new opportunities, Ferguson moved to Los Angeles in the mid-'90s. He describes his early struggles in the American entertainment industry, including his first acting roles alongside icons like Betty White and Marie Osmond. His persistence paid off when he landed a role on "The Drew Carey Show," which marked the beginning of his successful career in American television.

Notable Quote:

Craig Ferguson: "I did a sitcom that lasted like 20 episodes, but I only lasted 10. Then I quit because the writing was not for me." [31:02]

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Breakthrough and Success with The Drew Carey Show ([31:02] – [45:18])

Ferguson's tenure on "The Drew Carey Show" is highlighted as a turning point. Despite early setbacks, his unique comedic style resonated with audiences, leading to a steady rise in his career. He discusses balancing his personal life, including marriage and fatherhood, with the demands of his growing fame.

Notable Quote:

Craig Ferguson: "The Drew Carey Show changed my life. I had to look for another job when I quit, but then I landed on Suddenly Susan, which set the stage for my late-night career." [37:00]

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Personal Life and Later Career ([45:18] – [66:13])

Ferguson reflects on his personal life, including his relationships, children, and current living arrangements in New York City. He humorously discusses daily habits, family dynamics, and his ongoing commitment to comedy and entertainment. The conversation also touches on his experiences with health, hobbies, and maintaining a balance between personal and professional life.

Notable Quote:

Craig Ferguson: "We have a place out of town next to the beach, but most of the time we're in New York City. My youngest is 14, and my oldest is 24." [49:05]

Ferguson shares light-hearted stories about his interactions with other comedians, such as Jay Leno, and his favorite aspects of touring and performing.

Notable Quote:

Craig Ferguson: "When I fly commercial, the plane feels like a flying bathroom, and I don't like long flights. But I enjoy the camaraderie with fellow comedians." [63:45]

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Conclusion

The episode wraps up with heartfelt thanks from the hosts to Craig Ferguson, celebrating his illustrious career and enduring legacy in comedy. The conversation encapsulates Ferguson's journey from a modest upbringing in Scotland to becoming a beloved figure in American entertainment, all while maintaining his wit and charm.

Notable Quote:

H. Foley: "You’re a legend, my friend. An absolute legend. Truly one of the greats." [66:03]

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Key Takeaways:

• Craig Ferguson's humble beginnings in Glasgow shaped his resilient and humorous outlook.
• His transition from punk rock musician to acclaimed comedian highlights his adaptability and passion for entertainment.
• Personal struggles and triumphs played a significant role in shaping his career trajectory.
• Ferguson's anecdotes offer a blend of humor and sincerity, reflecting his unique personality and enduring appeal.

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Note: Advertisements and promotional segments from the podcast, including mentions of Ridge Wallet, Shopify, Helix Mattress, and Amazon Prime, have been omitted to focus solely on the substantive content of the conversation.

Transcript

[H. Foley]

Gang, Tickets for the back on the block tour are going quick, baby. So get them. What a gettin is good.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. We're coming to San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Burlington, Boston, Atlanta, Charlotte, Raleigh, Richmond, Baltimore, Philly, Rochester and Toronto. All tickets [e-mail] We'll See yous on the road.

[H. Foley]

Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is are you garbage? Oh yeah, it's that little show. We sit there with your favorite comedians and we find that at the group to be classy. They're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, H. Foley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tody's in a new edition show. She's on her way to J.C. penney's for a little accident.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

Little slip and fall money gonna be coming here pretty soon.

[Craig Ferguson]

Very good.

[H. Foley]

My co host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of are you garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for kj Kevin. James Ryan, everybody.

[Kevin Ryan]

What up gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. It's the first time that's ever happened. As always, please make sure you do something.

[Craig Ferguson]

I mean you do all that and then it's like that. It's like everybody hates you or something. Yeah, he's the boss, KJ and it's like him.

[Kevin Ryan]

Patreon.com check it the fuck out, gang.

[H. Foley]

We couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time. He is a legendary standup comedian and writer. You can hear him every week on his podcast joy, a podcast. He is on his pants on fire tour right now. You can get tickets at the craig fergusonshow.com his. He has a brand new special out on YouTube I am so happy that you gotta check out. Of course. He did 185 episodes of the Drew Carey show.

[Craig Ferguson]

Oh yeah.

[H. Foley]

And he was the host of the late Late show from 2005 to 2014. Truly one of the great late night talk show hosts in history. Give it up for the one, the only, Mr. Craig Ferguson. Yay.

[Craig Ferguson]

Thanks everybody. Something you clap for.

[H. Foley]

Something you clap for.

[Craig Ferguson]

Thanks. Thank you for having me. I'm very excited to be here. It's an honor to be here. Shall I wear these?

[H. Foley]

It's up to you if you want to. Yeah.

[Craig Ferguson]

I want to look like I'm Pudd. Podcast. You're a goddamn podcast. Am I a podcasting or an influencer? What's the difference between a podcaster and an influencer?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know.

[Craig Ferguson]

Tits. That's what it is. Oh, we got.

[H. Foley]

I was gonna say a nice ass in a bikini.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, there you go.

[H. Foley]

You're a legend, my friend. An absolute legend. I mean that when I say that. Like, truly one of the last great late night talk show hosts, man. Unbelievable.

[Craig Ferguson]

You know, I think. I think we're. We're a dying breed. The late night talk show. I think this is the way Forward, gentlemen. You are the new bast. You're the wedge. You're the icebreaker.

[H. Foley]

Thank you.

[Craig Ferguson]

This is the way forward podcast because it doesn't exist in the old world anymore. It's just going away.

[H. Foley]

It's going away.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Time gone by.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Give us the backstory. Give us the origin story of Mr. Craig Ferguson.

[Craig Ferguson]

Well, I was raised in a swamp by Shrek and Fiona. I was found in a basket of reeds and the pharaoh's daughter came over. I'm from. There was no pharaoh. I'm from. From Scotland. Of course, it's well outside Philly, but where I am in Scotland, because I know Philly quite well, obviously, and it's not unlike where I'm from in Scotland. Glasgow in Scotland. It's not unlike Philadelphia.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha.

[Craig Ferguson]

It has a lot of gentlemen look a little like yourselves. You know what I'm saying? You are. And it has an enjoyable.

[Kevin Ryan]

Good looking guys.

[Craig Ferguson]

Good looking guys.

[H. Foley]

A lot of guys in sweatpants.

[Craig Ferguson]

A lot of guys in sweatpants. A lot of guys who enjoy meat and cheese. Check this place out. I think you'd enjoy it. Do you know what's funny? Cause also, Cleveland is a similar city.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes.

[Craig Ferguson]

Right. So when I.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're just in Cleveland.

[Craig Ferguson]

Right.

[H. Foley]

Man, that's a bad look.

[Craig Ferguson]

Cleveland and Philly, well, it kind of is.

[Kevin Ryan]

Very much so.

[Craig Ferguson]

But Cleveland is kind of like a portable Philly. Do you know what I mean? Like, Philly's big. Sure. Cleveland is like. If you've only got, like, hand luggage, you take Cleveland.

[H. Foley]

But Cleveland, it's more of a day trip kind of town.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, but Cleveland is where Drew Carey is from.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes.

[Craig Ferguson]

Right. So when Drew and I were, you know, we got to know each other on his show, I said to him, you should go to Glasgow. It's like, Cleveland, he's like, don't be fucking.

[Kevin Ryan]

Fucking city in Scotland.

[Craig Ferguson]

That's how he talked back then. And then he got into soccer and he went to see a Ranger Celtics game in Glasgow, and he fucking called me up. He went, this is just like Cleveland.

[H. Foley]

Dirt balls here, too. Look at that.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, it's a whole lot of sports rivalry, but with a little bit of religious sectarianism to make it seem spicy.

[H. Foley]

Keep the tension up a little bit. Protestant and Catholic going on. I like it.

[Craig Ferguson]

Oh, yes.

[H. Foley]

What did your mom and dad do? What kind of house did you grow up in? Were you in?

[Craig Ferguson]

My father was a postman.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

But in the course of my life, he went from being. They used to deliver telegrams. Right. He was a telegram. Like, hey, telegram, sure. Right. So he started off with that when he was a little kid, and then he. Then he goes to the army.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

For a couple of years. Then he comes back to the post office and he becomes a postman, like delivering a letter. But by the time he finishes, he's the. Like the head of the post office.

[H. Foley]

All right.

[Craig Ferguson]

He makes a big long trip that way. And my mom was a school teacher.

[H. Foley]

Your mom was a school teacher? And you say the head of the. He was the head of the.

[Craig Ferguson]

He was the king of, like, the postmaster general. He's still on the stamps.

[Kevin Ryan]

He reads everybody's mail. Problem?

[Craig Ferguson]

No, he's not on the stamp.

[H. Foley]

He. Someone's pregnant again.

[Craig Ferguson]

Oh, look at what Margaret's been up to. No, the. He became the chief inspector of the Edinburgh Post Office, which I don't know a lot about post office, but that.

[H. Foley]

That sounds high up to me.

[Kevin Ryan]

Pretty good.

[Craig Ferguson]

Inspector. Sounds good.

[H. Foley]

Was that. Was there a big increase in. In his pay? Like, did you guys kind of move up a little bit?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, because when I was a kid, like, Like a young kid, it was like dinner was like egg and fries.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

Stuff like chicken maybe once, twice a month.

[H. Foley]

No kids.

[Kevin Ryan]

Meager beginning.

[Craig Ferguson]

Well, yeah, we did. I didn't.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, chicken once a month.

[Craig Ferguson]

Chicken maybe twice a month. I don't want to.

[Kevin Ryan]

Over.

[Craig Ferguson]

It wasn't Angela's ashes. Right.

[H. Foley]

Every Christmas we got to smell a hamburger.

[Craig Ferguson]

That's right. Oh, it's another. Gather around the potato for Christmas.

[Kevin Ryan]

Everybody just rubs it.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, that's right. The lucky potato. But. But we were. But there were. There were a lot of. I didn't know. I didn't know. We didn't have much money because we were surrounded, but we didn't have much. But it wasn't terrible. And my parents weren't alcoholics. So there you go.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's pretty good.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Were we in an apartment? Were we in a house? Were we in the city? Were we first?

[Craig Ferguson]

We're in. We're in. When I was born, they were in a one bedroom, like, tenement.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

Both my older brother and my older sister. But then after I was born, they moved us out. There was this thing called New Towns in Brit.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

What happened was after the Second World War, all the cities were bombed, so they had to build new housing just outside the city. Kind of like the project.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Craig Ferguson]

So we moved out. But the projects. But they were meant to be fancy. They weren't fancy at all, but they said they were fancy so that people would leave the city and go and live in them for nothing. So we lived in a little modular house in the projects till I was about 7 or 8 years old. Then we moved to a slightly larger house in the projects until I was about 16, 17. Then I leave home, then my parents make a little money and move to an actual house.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha.

[Craig Ferguson]

So there was a bit of a journey.

[H. Foley]

Now, where'd you go when you were 16?

[Craig Ferguson]

Well, I gotta tell you, that ship, I can't tell you everywhere. I don't know what the statute of limitations is on that ship. But I joined a band. It was punk rock.

[Kevin Ryan]

I did see that.

[H. Foley]

Really?

[Craig Ferguson]

You were a drummer? I was a drummer in punk rock pants. So I lived for a long time in the back of a van. No shit. You know. Well, I actually didn't live there. I mean, I shared a room with some guys in a band in the West End of Glasgow, which is a really fucking great neighborhood, still is. Like, really kind of before hipsters were invented, or they may have been invented there, you know what I mean? It was like they were poor, but hipsters, you know, I mean, like, they like good music, but they didn't know what kale was. You know what I'm saying? Right. So. So they. So I. I lived in a kind of shared apartment there with the guys in bands that I was in. And we would travel in transit vans up and around Britain playing bad music.

[H. Foley]

That's crazy.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

What are we talking? We talking the 80s? Early 80s, yeah.

[Craig Ferguson]

We're, I guess, 1980 to about 83.

[H. Foley]

So you're in the mix. Are you rubbing elbows with like, the Ramones or the Misfits or anybody like that?

[Craig Ferguson]

Oh, no, no, man.

[H. Foley]

Lower.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a big swing. Were you rubbing elbows with the Ramones?

[Craig Ferguson]

The ramones were in CBGBs. That was in fucking Margaret's fucking pub. Pub in Falkirk.

[H. Foley]

No, the old guy's yelling at you, turn that shit down.

[Craig Ferguson]

That's rubbish. Put on Frank Sinatra. But the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you know the Ramones?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. Actually, no, I didn't. But when I was about 21, okay. So I meet a girl who's part of all this crowd and we got married, okay. And we went to. She liked New York City. So we came to New York City when I was 21. And I was living in the East Village.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[Craig Ferguson]

When I was 20.

[Kevin Ryan]

What year is this?

[Craig Ferguson]

This is 84. That's when the East Village was In the East Village. There used to be a. It was a fantastic woman who lived nearby. Grandmaster Flash lived in my building. It's amazing, isn't it? I mean, it was crazy. I remember because I.

[H. Foley]

Hey, man, I got your mail again.

[Craig Ferguson]

Who's this Grandmaster Flash? And why have I got his electricity bill? But he used to have this ankle length gold lame coat. He would walk around, it was fucking amazing looking.

[Kevin Ryan]

He'd stand out.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, he was really nice guy. Although I guess he was Grandmaster Flash, you know, why wouldn't you be in a good mood?

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Craig Ferguson]

But there was a lady who lived nearby us. I used to hear her every night. Cause she was a waitress in a bar. But the neighborhood was so dangerous that when she was walking home late at night, she was also. She wanted to be an opera singer. So she would walk home singing opera all the way down the block. And the noise would be like. Everyone would know she was coming down. If the noise stopped, everybody look out the window to see if she was okay. Yeah. See, we looked after ourselves back there.

[H. Foley]

Talk about old videos.

[Kevin Ryan]

Jeez, that's genius, though.

[Craig Ferguson]

We were all awake because we all had a cocaine problem.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, the cops were after you.

[Craig Ferguson]

Look at why she stopped singing. But I tell you, it's an interesting thing, though. They had this the day that it started to clean up the East Village. I remember it was. A buddy of mine worked in. I worked in construction up in Harlem. So we had to take the train across town and then all the way up to Harlem. And one day he says to me, oh, things are going to fucking change. There's going to be construction down here. I'm like, what are you talking about? And then I see we're hanging around at Avenue B and these Cadillacs draw all with Jersey plates. All these Cadillacs come up and they. All these guys with camel coats come out and they're looking at the buildings and talking that kind of stuff. And then about a Week later, there was a big police raid and all the street guys were taking all the street doctors. Yeah. It was almost like they were connected.

[Kevin Ryan]

Almost like it was an orchestrated series of events.

[Craig Ferguson]

It's fucking weird, man. I don't know why. It was like, it should be on the Wide World of Sports wherever.

[H. Foley]

Let's go back to the childhood. How were you in school? You Were you a good student?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, I was actually, up until I tasted alcohol. So up until 13 years old, I was fucking straight ace. And then.

[H. Foley]

That's a hell of a run.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, that is not bad. And then When I was 13, my friend's older brother, we wanted him to go into a store and get us some beer, but he was a bad guy. So he goes into the store and he stole the money. And when he bought. He said he stole the money. He stole the money, but he brought us some alcohol. He said, they didn't have any beer. We're like. We could see it through the fucking window. Said, no, they're out of beer.

[H. Foley]

They're out of beer.

[Craig Ferguson]

We're out of beer.

[H. Foley]

Scotland's out of beer.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. Oh, they're not making it anymore. I don't know what happened. Apparently, it's just against the law, so we're out. They said they don't have any beer. So he bought us a bottle of this stuff. It was called El Dorado. El Dorado was a fortified South African wine. I don't think it's actually legal under the Geneva Convention, but it was an import. It was a real street alcoholic. So we shared a bottle of that. I blacked out and I got arrested. Thirteen, blacked out, got arrested. Woke up in my own pee, all that. I think it was my pee. I mean, I didn't have a check.

[Kevin Ryan]

Fingers crossed.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, yeah. You know, But I got arrested. I punched the local cop, you know, and he was a friend of my dad, but it was fine. That's 13. He's a Glasgow cop. He's like, it's funny, you know? And they laughed about it a bit, but I was. I felt bad. And that kind of led me on a very different. That was a fork in the road.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha.

[Craig Ferguson]

My grades suffered a bit after that because I awoke with a firm resolve never to do that again until the next weekend.

[H. Foley]

And no university, no college?

[Craig Ferguson]

No. I dropped out of high school when I was 16.

[H. Foley]

You dropped out of high school?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. No high school diplomat, no high school diploma.

[Kevin Ryan]

Was that to work? Was that to be in the band? What was the motive behind that?

[Craig Ferguson]

Well, I wanted to get money. And school was. I did.

[Kevin Ryan]

How does it get in the way?

[Craig Ferguson]

Well, I had a job when I was at school when I was 14, I used to deliver milk from the back of a flatbed truck. People used to get bottles of milk delivered. I don't know why, but they did. So there was this flatbed truck that would come in from a farm outside of town, a guy called Bob Klein, and he would pick up me and a couple other kids and we'd get in the back of his flat, just stand like this in the back of a flatbed truck, and he drives us around. We'd deliver milk. So I made money that way. But I kept falling asleep in school after that. So when I was 16, I got a job in a factory where I could just like, you know, sleep in the factory. Holy shit.

[H. Foley]

That is old school.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, it was a little bit damn, you know, and people had. I was telling my kids about this. There was a guy that used to come around our neighborhood when I was a kid and they were like, there's no fucking way this is true. I'm like, because my kids are American, they've got nice teeth and shit. Buzz, tell me about it.

[H. Foley]

And the lucky avatar.

[Craig Ferguson]

But there used to be a guy called the Ragman that would come round our neighborhood. And the Ragman, he had a horse and cart. But the cart, it wasn't like a Central park cart. It was like, you know, a cart with car wheels on it. You know what I mean? Like something from the apocalypse, like Bora or something like that. I mean, so he would ride on that and he'd blow a trumpet, right? He had this kind of weird like horn or something. He'd go. And we'd all go, oh, it's the Ragman. And we would grab any old pieces of clothes that we could find and we'd run out and we'd give our clothes to the Ragman and he would give us a balloon.

[H. Foley]

What the hell was he doing with it?

[Craig Ferguson]

I don't know. I don't know. But we all wanted a balloon from the Ragman. And we cleaned out our parents closets.

[H. Foley]

Where the hell are all the tiles?

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm not sure. Who's getting screwed over in that deal?

[Craig Ferguson]

I don't know. I got a lot of fucking balloons. I think there was a way to get a balloon off the Ragman without giving him rags. I never went down.

[H. Foley]

You didn't go down that route.

[Kevin Ryan]

What, what were the family vacations like growing up? If any.

[Craig Ferguson]

Local, local, local. But there is a very Important one, it was very local because Scotland's a small country and everything's near the sea. So you can get to a seaside town. And we used to go to a town called Millport, which was kind of like exactly what you would think. You know, it's like a working class seaside, beautiful countryside, nice people, kind of everybody, you know, from home just goes. It's like the Jersey Shore. Gotcha, right? So we would go there. But once when I was 13, 13.

[Kevin Ryan]

Was a big year for you.

[Craig Ferguson]

It was a fucking big year. This is just before the drinking or maybe just after, I can't remember. But what happened was there used to be a guy called Freddie Laker. Freddie. This is fucking true.

[H. Foley]

Freddie Laker and the ragman Freddie Laker.

[Craig Ferguson]

They may have been the same guy. Freddie Laker was the first guy who started discount airlines, right? Budget airlines. And he used to run a flight, it was like once a week from Prestwick in Scotland to jfk. Now, my dad's brother, my Uncle James, had emigrated to the US when we were kids. And when I was 13. Cause I was. My older siblings had had a holiday on their own, like through the school trip and stuff. Like there was time for the school trip. And my dad said, do you want to go on the school trip or do you want to save up? I think it was like, 50 bucks and we can fly to America and see your Uncle James. Let's fucking go to America. So what happened was when I was 13 years old, we fly from Preswick in Scotland, which is a big airport in Scotland, or, you know, an airport. They got a Runway and a candy machine, and we fly on a DC10. Laker Airlines, we land at JFK. So the first time I ever see anything outside of Scotland is I fucking land in New York City in 1975. That's crazy. And I go to my cousins who live in Long island, my Uncle James, my Aunt Susan and their four kids. They live in Smithtown. Long Island. Long Island.

[H. Foley]

Wow.

[Craig Ferguson]

And I go there when I'm 13, and we go to a bowling alley and we go to this bowl. I didn't even know what fucking bowling alley. I was fucking like. So you roll the ball towards the wee sticks, and the sticks fall over, and everybody cheers. And they're like, yes. And I was doing it, and they said, try this. And they gave me a root beer. It was a root beer.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's it. I'm American Root beer over crushed ice.

[Craig Ferguson]

And I was like, whatever the fuck this is. Amen. And I swear to God to This day, if I have the opportunity for root beer over cr, I'm like, I hear the Star spangled fucking Banner when I, when I signed it up for the Marines. Oh my God.

[Kevin Ryan]

How good is that?

[Craig Ferguson]

I'd never had anything like that. It was unbelievable. It was like when they gave, you know, sugar to native people and stuff, I was like, oh my God, kid.

[H. Foley]

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[Kevin Ryan]

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[H. Foley]

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[Kevin Ryan]

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[H. Foley]

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[H. Foley]

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Right now, Ridge, Big man is currently in panic mode. Right now Ridge is having their huge Memorial Day sale.

[H. Foley]

Let's go.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's MD Dub. Get up to 40% off. Just head to ridge.comavyg to see their biggest sale of the year. One more time, ridge.comavyg after you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about it. Please support the show and tell them the boys sent you.

[H. Foley]

We love you, camp. What's talking about Shopify, baby.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shout out to Shopify.

[H. Foley]

El numero uno. Shopify. We're Shopify family, aren't we?

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, you better, better bet your sweet little behind we. If you have ever bought merch off ayg, we are a Shopify company and.

[H. Foley]

We know we got a lot of hustlers out there, a lot of guys trying to do some side projects. Make that your. Make that your main project. And Shopify can help you gang. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all E commerce in the United States. Holy cow. That's unbelievable. From household names like Mattel gymshark to brands that just got started. We're talking about startups, baby.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yep.

[H. Foley]

Let's go. Do yourself a favor. Get over to Shopify.

[Kevin Ryan]

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[H. Foley]

Holy shit. That's all right. Was there a family car back then?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, actually there was. There was. I remember that. My dad's cars. I had a. He had a Hillman.

[H. Foley]

Oh man, these are gonna be.

[Craig Ferguson]

Oh yeah, it's like Hellman. A Hellman something. I don't know what. My grandpa had a Hillman imp, which was like a smart car but with no engine. And then it was kind of like go kart. It was like the ragman thing but without the horse. It was just the car. And then there was. We had a Morris Oxford.

[Kevin Ryan]

A Morris.

[Craig Ferguson]

Morris Oxford. Yeah. That's a good looking car. Look at that. Up about 1968 Morris Oxford.

[H. Foley]

Ah, that's a sharp looking car.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, it's a good car, right? And then we got. Fuck, no, there was one. I can't remember.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a good looking car.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, it's all right. It's a great. I keep trying to find one, you know. Do you guys ever go and bringatrailer.com or something like that? Do you know the one I'm talking about?

[Kevin Ryan]

I very recently went back and bought the first car I ever had was a 1995 Chevy Lumina. I lost it on bring a trailer. This guy fucking. He bids. I mean, it was a piece of.

[Craig Ferguson]

Car but he went nuts. Facebook Marketplace. That's the way to go, I think. Facebook Marketplace. But the. I'm looking.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's buying cars on bring a trailer and this guy's a dirt bag. End the show.

[H. Foley]

Thought you're worth like $50 million. Facebook Marketplace.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, Never Mind that. But I bought. I got. I bought a Airstream trailer on Facebook. I love that.

[Kevin Ryan]

I love an Airstream.

[Craig Ferguson]

No, I. We gotta tell you, this is a great story. So I go on Airstream and I'm.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, first of all, he's crazy. Yeah, we can all agree he's.

[Craig Ferguson]

So I see this Airstream, I'm like, this is beautiful. No, cuz Matthew McConaughey has Airstream, but I don't think he got them on Facebook. Marketplace. So I see this and I call up the guy and he's like, I'm not going down on the price. I never asked you. And I go and see this guy. I won't tell you what state he's in, but he's living by a lake on an easy. A lazy boy, you know, he has a lazy boy outdoors on the lake and he has a trailer that he lives in and the Airstream trailer. And so I buy the Airstream trailer, but he says to me, I'm selling it because I've retired. I used to be a nuclear engineer and whenever I was working at a nuclear plant, there's never any fucking hotels because nobody wants to put a hotel next to a nuclear power plant. All right, so he has this nice Airstream trailer and it's great, but. Well, I took it home. But at night it fucking lights up, I'm sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it's all that radiation.

[Craig Ferguson]

You've been around. No, it doesn't light up. But the rest is true.

[H. Foley]

You don't need the stove to cook the eggs.

[Craig Ferguson]

The rest is true. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Holy shit.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's wild. Okay, any pets growing up?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, we had a goldfish called Goldie.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, fair enough. I mean, they don't last that long.

[Craig Ferguson]

This one lived to be nine.

[H. Foley]

You had a nine?

[Craig Ferguson]

A nine year old goldfish.

[H. Foley]

Jesus.

[Craig Ferguson]

It was like. I mean. And keep them in the Airstream, I tell you what. As well, that. When that fish died, it was fucking delicious.

[H. Foley]

Eating good tonight, boys.

[Craig Ferguson]

Oh, finally the fish has died. Kill the potato and we'll feast.

[H. Foley]

What about the holiday? Was that it? Just the goldfish?

[Craig Ferguson]

No, no, we had a. We had a. We had dogs. We had a very aggressive West Highland terrier that bit a kid outside the supermarket and went to live on the farm. And then we had a guinea pig called Olga that lived for a long time as well.

[Kevin Ryan]

Guinea pig in the house?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, yeah, but not like Roman free, like in a cave. It's not like, oh, a guinea pig. Oh, children. That's not a rat. It's like anything.

[Kevin Ryan]

Also, you said first job. What was the first concert you went.

[Craig Ferguson]

To on that vacation?

[Kevin Ryan]

Jesus Christ.

[H. Foley]

What?

[Craig Ferguson]

In New York, in Smithtown.

[H. Foley]

Whoa.

[Craig Ferguson]

My cousins say, hey, do you want to go and see a rock and roll show? I'm like, yes, please. So they take me to see a band called Blue Oyster Cult.

[H. Foley]

Get the fuck out of here.

[Craig Ferguson]

I'm fucking telling you.

[H. Foley]

1975.

[Craig Ferguson]

1975. Holy shit. And I smelled it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Was it a big venue? Small venue.

[Craig Ferguson]

That was a big van. I felt like it was big.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Craig Ferguson]

I mean, I kind of.

[H. Foley]

It would have been huge by then.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. So Blue Oyster cult, 1975. Somewhere in the Smithtown region of Long Island. I don't know where.

[H. Foley]

What was the odor that you smelled? Incense.

[Craig Ferguson]

I don't know. It was some kind of incense or something. But I kind of. I was to smell that smell again. It occurred in my life again. And still to this day, when I'm riding my city bike around New York, I still get a whiff of it.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

What was. Were you into music at this time, like yourself? Were you drumming drums?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, yeah, I was already drumming. Yeah, I was. But things. It was just in that kind of period for British kids. I mean, I think in America it was different, but it was just in that period just before punk rock kicked off with. It kicked off in Britain, kind of with the Damned and the Sex Pistols.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Craig Ferguson]

And that was around about 70. Late 76, 77.

[H. Foley]

That's crazy.

[Craig Ferguson]

So I was about 15 when all this was perfect just for that. So it kind of. Even now, I think all that attitude, which is way out of date. I mean, kids now say, I'm looking forward to having a career in comedy, where, gosh darn it, I'm gonna have a TV show and stuff. Like, I fucking don't. I still don't understand that. I'm like, burn it all fucking down. And I don't even mean it. But I kind of think it's weird.

[H. Foley]

The attitude's still in you.

[Craig Ferguson]

It seems to be. And I don't think it served me well, to be honest.

[H. Foley]

I think did pretty good.

[Craig Ferguson]

Well, I. I suppose you're right, but, you know, I could have done better.

[H. Foley]

Oh, that's too funny. Who got you the first drum set? Do you remember?

[Craig Ferguson]

It was my older brothers. He had a drum kit. I don't know where he got it, but he had a drum kit. There wasn't Facebook market. He might have got it from the Ragman. I'm not quite sure, but that he.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you got to do to the Ragman to Get a drum set.

[Craig Ferguson]

He's. He's a very attractive man, my brother. That's all I'm saying. He always has been a lot of therapy, but he, he had his own cat. He kind of lost interest in it. And I just.

[Kevin Ryan]

Around the house.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. And I was just like, bat it all.

[H. Foley]

And how was your folks about you playing and practicing? Did it drive them crazy? Are they supportive?

[Craig Ferguson]

No. Yeah, well, in a way they were supportive in the sense that if I. If I joined a band and then we started like rehearsing in, in like church basements and stuff like that, then my dad would get the drums into the Morris Oxford and drive me there.

[H. Foley]

Okay, so that he saw you doing something?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, yeah. No, they were.

[H. Foley]

They were not just playing for the guinea pig.

[Craig Ferguson]

No.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Craig Ferguson]

No, the guinea pig was dead. She was also delicious.

[H. Foley]

Oh, that's funny. And then when did you start comedy? You said you came here when you were 21. Is that, did you go back after that?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, I. My visa ran out. I didn't want to get into trouble with immigration because I thought if I ever really want to come here, I don't want to fucking end up getting into trouble. So I left before my visa ran out. But there used to be the first time I ever appeared on a stage. I mean, I started doing comedy back there later, but first time I ever did comedy was a punk rock venue in London. They were having a festival of Scottish punk rock bands and all these cockney punks were there. I was about 18 or 19 years old and I was the drummer in one of the bands. And the lead singer said, we have to change equipment between the bands. So you go out and do be funny to these cockney punks. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? No background, no stand up. Comedy didn't exist in Britain then. It was only potatoes. That's all it was. And so I went out on the stage. I wore a kilt because I thought that'd be funny and good. And I was wearing a kilt and I tried to tell jokes and stuff. They wouldn't shut up. Just a bunch of fun.

[Kevin Ryan]

They're not a very receptive crowd.

[Craig Ferguson]

And then the girls, it was girls at the front that were trying to look up my kilt. And I was going like that, but I was so scared. My knees were knocking, shaking. And they started. His knees are knocking, his knees are knocking. And then the whole venue, those British get heckle. All these cockney punks are like, his knees are knocking, his knees are knocking. His Knees are knocking. And I had to go off the stage, cry and cry. But you know the weird thing, and this is how, you know you're a fucking standup. Because I came off and I went, I gotta do that.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think I got him at the end, I think.

[Craig Ferguson]

I think I had them. I was nearly there.

[H. Foley]

That knees knocking bit really worked, huh?

[Craig Ferguson]

I'm gonna leave that, man. I'll start with the knees knocking. That was my problem.

[H. Foley]

And then when did you get back over here and start really pursuing Stanford?

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you already have a good career over there and then came here? Did you come here and pop?

[Craig Ferguson]

No, neither, really. I mean, I had an okay career there. I was doing all right. I was getting, like, parts and shows and I was doing standouts.

[H. Foley]

This is in Scotland. This is in London.

[Craig Ferguson]

A little.

[H. Foley]

A little of both. Were you based out of Scotland, though?

[Craig Ferguson]

No, I was in Scotland until I was about 24, 25. And the girl that we got married, Right. We got divorced, understand, at 24. So I moved down to London when I was about 24. I still had. I was still drinking a lot.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

And have you guys heard of drugs?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Craig Ferguson]

All right. So I was doing that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Welcome to the show.

[H. Foley]

Big fan.

[Craig Ferguson]

So I was doing drugs as well. So I was taking the drugs and the drinking, and so my performance style was inconsistent sometimes. I was great.

[H. Foley]

I have that.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it kind of came and went a little bit. I was doing okay. And then what happened was I got sober in London when I was 29.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

And then I was kind of like, I was keen to change things, but everyone. I was still like the drunk to everybody. I couldn't, like, change the perception I got you. And I always wanted to. I always wanted to be in America anyway. I always want to go to America. And then I was doing the Edinburgh Festival, you know, the Edinburgh. Of course. Right. So I was doing the Edinburgh Festival, and a guy, an American guy called Rick Siegel, who was my manager, who became my manager, he saw me there and he was like, you should come to America. You've cleaned up your act, you've dropped £25. Fuck it. Come over and I'll see if I can get you a gig. And I came over for two weeks in November 1994, and I'm still here.

[H. Foley]

Whoa.

[Kevin Ryan]

No shit.

[H. Foley]

Damn.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Where did you move to when you came over? You go to LA or Los Angeles?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, went to la. Yeah. I got a. I got. Because I would have come here, right? Because this is where I knew, but I went out to la. And they offered me a job. My first job was doing a sitcom that lasted like 20. I only lasted 10.

[Kevin Ryan]

But they used to come and go back in the day, the mid season replace. I mean it was like they greenlight two. You get two episodes.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, that's right.

[Kevin Ryan]

The next thing, wait.

[H. Foley]

So how long had you been doing stand ups when you came over here?

[Craig Ferguson]

Well, since I was. I mean I'd been doing it in Britain and stuff.

[H. Foley]

It always 10, 15 years or so.

[Craig Ferguson]

I had this, I kind of missed this bit out. I had this character I used to do called Bing Hitler. Right. And I used to do this character. I thought it'd be funny.

[Kevin Ryan]

Different time.

[Craig Ferguson]

Different time, you know, it was kind of funny. Sure, it was pretty funny.

[H. Foley]

Like Bing Crosby and Hitler.

[Craig Ferguson]

No, I mean that. Yes, with the name thing. But it was, there was no real reference to it. It was actually just a Scottish guy that was just his name. But there was nothing in it about Nazis or crooning. It was just, it was just a kind of weird character.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

And I did that and that was pretty successful. That did well.

[H. Foley]

All right.

[Craig Ferguson]

So I'd been doing that and that was kind of going all the time and went. I made a couple of albums with that as well because we used to do comedy albums. Yeah, I know, comedy podcasts, comedy albums. And you could write 25 minutes every four years and you know, you'd be fine.

[H. Foley]

And there you go.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And then where did you land in la? Were you working at the store? Where were you?

[Craig Ferguson]

No, I didn't see. When I got to la, I stopped doing stand up.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

Because I kind of didn't know what.

[H. Foley]

To do and went out as an actor.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. And I got a job with, I got a job with like my Third Edition with Betty White and Marie Osmond on a show called maybe this Time. And I became friends. I became friends with both of these women.

[H. Foley]

It's crazy.

[Craig Ferguson]

They're both fucking. Well, Betty's gone now, but they're both fucking great. And Betty, you know, who was on my late night show every week when I was there doing it, she and I stayed friends right until she died. And she was the, she was unbelievably nice to me when I like, I turned up and I like no fucking idea what I was doing. And she would, she was nice to me.

[Kevin Ryan]

She had great chops.

[Craig Ferguson]

Oh my gosh.

[H. Foley]

This is Multicam sitcom studio, L.A. off.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

So do you call back home and. And you're like, you know, we're, we're, we're getting There, we're making it.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. They're like, oh, that's nice.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. They can't really wrap their head around it.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, Your brother's got a damaged testicle. He's going for an operation. Like, okay, fine.

[H. Foley]

Goldie died.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. Goldie. Goldie. Goldie 2 is doing okay.

[H. Foley]

Holy.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's wild, man.

[H. Foley]

Man, that's crazy. And then what started to. How far removed are we from the Drew Carey show?

[Craig Ferguson]

We're pretty close now. I mean, what happened was the. I do this show and it's not working. And you know, back then when the shows weren't working, they would try other things. Like they'd add people into it. So they kind of did do that. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

So they make him an alien, put a baby in.

[Craig Ferguson]

That's right. So they added a hot young stand up comic to the cast of maybe this time a young gentleman called Dane Cook.

[H. Foley]

No kidding.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, Dane was just starting out. So Dane comes out and he was as sweet as anything and as funny as fuck. He was great. And he came in and he started. He was getting all the shit that I was getting. I was like, fucking writing's on the wall for me. So I didn't know you couldn't do this. So I quit. I quit a sitcom which was like crazy. It was like Disney tv. And there was a guy called Dean Valentine who was the head of. And he was meant to be really super scary and stuff like that. And I said to him, I want to quit. This is not working for me. This show's not going to work for me.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's insane to do it.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's nuts. And he said okay. And he let me quit, which he didn't have to do. He could have kept me there. And what happened was that I had to look for another job. I've told this story before, but I'll tell it quickly for you. So I get this audition, I'm going on auditions and my buddy from Scotland is there, my oldest friend. And we're just kind of tooling around. I get this call to go for an audition. I said, send me the sides. They used to send you like little bits of paper with your lines on it. So he sent me the sides. And it's for a sitcom called Suddenly Susan with Brooke, of course.

[H. Foley]

Yes.

[Craig Ferguson]

And the sides. The sides are for the part of the Hispanic photographer. I'm like, the fuck?

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm good at acting. I can do Hitler. I can't do Spanish.

[Craig Ferguson]

I said I could do German. I can do this one very well. Cancer photographer. Be from Germany. So I'm like, I'm not even gonna fucking go for this. And my buddy who's there, he's like, what the fuck else are you doing? You needed a surgery doctor. Go to fucking audition. So I go to the audition and everybody in the. There's all these actors waiting. I said, everybody looks like Antonio Vanderi. And I'm like, oh, for fuck's sake. And I go in and the Warner Brothers casting people are there. And so I. I try and do the lines. Everybody's there and they're all doing. And I try and do the lines with my best, you know, Mexican accent, which I'm not gonna fucking do, all right? But I sound. I sound like fucking, you know, Shrek and Speedy Gonzalez. Right? And I fucking do this. And they're laughing their asses off, and it's not working, but I'm laughing at it, too. And at the end of it, the casting guy says, look, obviously this is some kind of mistake. I went, no shit? And he said, oh, you don't think, do you? Yeah, and then he said to me, he said, but he said, the Drew Carey show is looking for an English boss. Can you do an English accent? And I said, see what Jess? I can.

[Kevin Ryan]

This guy's a pro.

[Craig Ferguson]

And that's how. And I went in to do the Drew Carey show for like one episode, and then that became three episodes. And Andrew's like, you wanna stay? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I do. Because I was really like. I remember told this before I was. I had 27 cents left. I don't know.

[H. Foley]

After quitting the Betty White Show.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. I'd spent all. And the.

[H. Foley]

On what? Fair enough.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. What are you, a fucking cop?

[H. Foley]

Was a library thing.

[Craig Ferguson]

So I just got through it. I don't know why. Actually, you're right. I don't know why I got through. Because by that time, I'm not doing drugs, I'm not drinking. I don't know what the fuck I spent.

[H. Foley]

Right.

[Craig Ferguson]

But when probably, if my guess is right, probably representation.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Craig Ferguson]

You know what I'm saying?

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Craig Ferguson]

Certainly back then also, it's like at.

[Kevin Ryan]

That time, too, you get a check at. Through that. It's like half the taxes, managers, agents, it's all. You end up getting, like 22% of it.

[H. Foley]

And where were you living right before you got the Drew Carey Show? Were you. So you were.

[Craig Ferguson]

I had a.

[H. Foley]

You didn't have a lot of. You didn't have money saved up?

[Craig Ferguson]

No, I had a rental place in Hollywood.

[H. Foley]

By yourself?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. And then I met a guy, girl, you know.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

She moved in and then we got married.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

And. And, and we're not married.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Craig Ferguson]

But we got married. We were married for a few years and we had a. I had my first kid.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

And he was born. And that. That all happened around about that time.

[H. Foley]

That's nuts.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, that was it. Yeah. Drew Carey show. Yeah. Yeah. It changed my life. That thing. That's crazy. And I don't know if you've ever had $0.27 in a bank account, but.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes, we have.

[Craig Ferguson]

Well, you can.

[H. Foley]

In my 40s.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I'm 49 now.

[Craig Ferguson]

You can't get it out.

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[Craig Ferguson]

It costs a fucking dollar to get your 27 cents.

[H. Foley]

This is all very new to us.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Yes.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. You guys are doing great. Look at you. You got a table.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is from Raymore and Flanagan too.

[H. Foley]

These microphones aren't even on.

[Craig Ferguson]

Look at this shit. None of these cameras.

[H. Foley]

Holy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now. Okay, sorry.

[H. Foley]

I was gonna say even though. Okay, so you just got married, you had a kid, but when you started getting those kind of checks on a 90s sitcom.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. Good times.

[H. Foley]

What was that like? Now you had. You had quit drinking, you put your past behind you.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Were there any. Was there a crazy big purchase or what was that, like a shot car?

[Craig Ferguson]

And then during this time, I wrote a movie. I used to write movies in my trailer. Like Norm MacDonald, God rest him, he was doing a sitcom across the way. I like Norman, he's a lovely man. And he said he would be out smoking cigarettes and I'd be in writing movies in my trailer. And he said, I didn't realize what a burning furnace of ambition you were. I thought you were just like unsociable. But I'd write these movies and one of the movies did really well. It was a movie called Saving Grace. And it was about a lady who.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's not bad.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. About a middle aged lady who grows marijuana in her greenhouse to get herself out of financial trouble. And it did well. And I made a bit of money, so I bought a house in the Hollywood Hills. But I made a little more money, so I also bought an apartment in Paris.

[Kevin Ryan]

Bought an apartment in Paris, did you?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, that's what it's all about. Now, if we stopped there, that'd be great, but. But after, when I got divorced again.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha.

[Craig Ferguson]

You know that thing as well, when they say you lose half your stuff? That's people who haven't been divorced.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Craig Ferguson]

You lose all your stuff.

[H. Foley]

Ken, let's talk about A Helix mattress.

[Craig Ferguson]

Ooh.

[Kevin Ryan]

I just rolled out of a Helix.

[H. Foley]

I'll tell you right now, you want an endorsement about a product, Helix Mattress. I'm having a hard time getting out of it. Yeah, that's how good it is.

[Craig Ferguson]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

I call it my dream machine. Uncle Hank has been snuggled up in that thing, man. And I swear to God, it's probably like 2 years old. I feel like it's gotten better.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. I mean, dude, I'm in fine wine, baby.

[H. Foley]

Buddy, I'm in there. I put the. I put the sleep machine on. I got the CPAP going, the ac. I don't want to leave that. That's where I want. That's my happy place. My Helix mattress. Sure, gang. Whether you sleep hot, whether you sleep cold, sleep on your side, sleep on your back. Helix has a mattress for you. They've been with us forever and we absolutely love them. And I'm telling you, if you want the best night's sleep of your life, get yourself a Helix mattress.

[Kevin Ryan]

Amen, baby. That's go to helixsleep.com garbage for 27% off site Y a free bedding bundle which is a sheet set and a mattress protector. Let me tell you that the mattress protector comes in handy with any luxe or elite mattress order, baby. That's 27% off site wide plus free bedding bundle, sheet set and mattress protector with any luxe or elite mattress order. One more time. Helixleep.com garbage do it.

[Craig Ferguson]

This episode is brought to you by Amazon Prime. From streaming to shopping, prime helps you get more out of your passion. So whether you're a fan of true crime or prefer a nail biting novel from time to time with services like Prime Video, Amazon music and fast free delivery, prime makes it easy to get more out of whatever you're into or getting into. Visit Amazon.comprime to learn more.

[H. Foley]

So you lost the apartment in Paris?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yes, sir.

[H. Foley]

And that's all right. Woo.

[Craig Ferguson]

It really is all right.

[H. Foley]

I mean now this is before the Late Late Show.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

What year is the Late Late Show?

[H. Foley]

2005.

[Craig Ferguson]

2005. I started.

[Kevin Ryan]

Started.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. 2004. They had that kind of like competition, like you know, are you smarter than a fifth grader? Or whatever it was to. To try and win the job.

[H. Foley]

Now from that one divorce, if that kind of set you back to not 27 cents but that it set you back to somewhat Close.

[Craig Ferguson]

Close.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're back. Like, I need. We need a job.

[Craig Ferguson]

I need a fucking. No. This. No. I have a. Yeah. So. And now I need a job. But I also need a job. Keeps me in town because I don't want to disappear on this kid. So I, you know, so now I gotta. I gotta raise my kid. I gotta find a job. And this time I'm working in independent film. And, you know, you have to leave town six weeks at a time, eight weeks at a time. And I, you know, and I'm looking for a job that's in town. And then I'm doing an independent movie in Winnipeg, Canada, and I get a call and somebody says to me, hey. It was my rep at the time said, hey, you've been on the Craig Kilbourne show a few times, haven't you? I went, yeah. Do you want me to do it again? He said, no, he just quit. I was like, what? He quit? So they're having a kind of runoff and they want you to try out for it. I'm like, get the fuck out. Yeah, all right, fuck it. I never even thought about it. But it's a job that's in town.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's like the. That's a cushy job in showbiz. I mean, it's hard work. It's day in, day out, but hard work. I'm just saying it's not, you know, but yeah, I mean, that's like. You're in town.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yep.

[Kevin Ryan]

Set hours. Great. Check.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yep.

[Kevin Ryan]

Same place.

[Craig Ferguson]

And I had this little kid at the time. So, like, it's funny how the perception people have of your life, like. Like, they're like, oh, you're living this big, fancy show business lifestyle. I had my Sylvia, the nanny, looking after my toddler while I'm on stage. And I go off, I change his diaper, put him in the baby seat, and drive home. Daddy's bachelor pad, where, you know, me and him are. That's. That's what we're doing.

[H. Foley]

Man, that is something else.

[Craig Ferguson]

It's crazy, isn't it?

[H. Foley]

That's unbelievable.

[Craig Ferguson]

But, you know, then the show starts to be a hit, and then, you know, things change a little bit.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. You know.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, that's all right.

[Kevin Ryan]

Pretty bad.

[Craig Ferguson]

What did happen? That time is right down when I was broke and I was just starting in the show, I meet a girl.

[Kevin Ryan]

And we get married. Did you?

[Craig Ferguson]

I did.

[H. Foley]

A third time.

[Craig Ferguson]

Third time. But here's what happens. We're still married. We're still married. So I've got this title, this little kid and I meet this girl and she's like. She's like, beautiful. And she takes care of him, she takes care of us. And she comes into our lives and everything gets different. Everything gets different. Holy shit. And we're still married.

[H. Foley]

Got another place in LA while you're doing the Late Late Show?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, we got another place.

[H. Foley]

You're doing all right.

[Craig Ferguson]

I didn't buy another place in Paris, though.

[Kevin Ryan]

What was the. At what year of that? You know, you start in 2005. Do you get like a one year contract? A threat? Like, when are you like, all right, I'm set now as moving forward.

[Craig Ferguson]

I don't know that I ever failed. I don't. I mean, well, I got the. I got the con. What they did was at the time, the contract. You had to sign the contract before you even tried out for it. So the first.

[H. Foley]

Oh, that's right.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll take.

[Craig Ferguson]

Give me 1500.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'll work for scale.

[Craig Ferguson]

Give it to. Exactly. So you take nothing for the first year, but then if the show does well, even. Although you're only meant to get a certain amount for the second year now at this point, everyone's like, well, it's doing pretty well. And the good thing as well is that I'm working for Worldwide Pants, who are actually a great company. That's Letterman, of course, and Rob Burnett was one working then and he was running the company and it really worked out and it just, just, it kind of like came together a little more. And. And because of I worked for Worldwide Pants, I was very protected from the corporate world of. Because of Letterman, because Dave, Dave's massive cajones. I was just hiding behind Dave, Dave. They're trying to get me to do something. He's like, well, we got some music for that, Paul.

[Kevin Ryan]

Holy, that's crazy.

[H. Foley]

Talk about a rise. That is something else.

[Kevin Ryan]

And then. So you said you're living here now?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you have, as you still have a house in la? No, no house in la.

[Craig Ferguson]

Just New York. Yeah, New York.

[H. Foley]

Just New York.

[Craig Ferguson]

Let's say yes.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

I mean, I might have a little place out of town, you know, sometimes when the city gets a little hot.

[Kevin Ryan]

Buddy, we appreciate it.

[H. Foley]

We appreciate it.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

But most of the time. Well, actually less than 182 days a year in New York City. Just in case anyone from the irs, they're not listening.

[Kevin Ryan]

And what part of town are you in in New York?

[Craig Ferguson]

Well, have you guys heard of the Upper east side?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, of course. It's the first place I lived when I moved up.

[Craig Ferguson]

Oh, really?

[H. Foley]

Yeah. 81st and First.

[Craig Ferguson]

It's pretty close.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't think it's the same apartment.

[Craig Ferguson]

81St and first is very close to the Comic Strip. Yes, the comic Strip. There used to be. When I was here, when I was 21, I was kind of thinking about. I'd done the cockney thing, you remember that? You're knocking it. So I thought, when I was here, I thought I'd love to try stand up comedy again, see how it worked. And there used to be a thing at the Comic Strip, there was a guy who's died now, but it was a guy called Lucian Hole who was in charge of all that. And there used to be a. You would go up there at 10am on a Monday morning and get a. There would be all these stand up comedians waiting outside, these kids. And you would take a lottery ticket out of a basket and if your number was called, they would pick 10 people every Monday morning.

[H. Foley]

We've been in those lines.

[Kevin Ryan]

They still did it up until like eight, ten years ago.

[Craig Ferguson]

All right, so you pull the ticket and if you get called the following Monday you get a spot. And it's kind of like an open the mic spot. And I pulled the ticket, I didn't get called. And so I said to the guy, the barman who was running, the guy who was just behind the bar, he was like. I said, what do I do with this then? Do I come back next week and try again? He said, where you from? I said, scotland. And he went, oh, gotta fucking see this. All right. So he put me in and I got a spot the following week. And I did okay. I did okay. I got a few laughs. And so they asked me back the following week to do it again. Now this time I'm starting to get worried. Cause I can't earn any money because I don't have that Visa. So I go back the next week and everything worked out fine. Cause I was shit. And they said bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

This guy's a flash in the pan at bed.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

So is, is your. Was it a son or a daughter you had with your second wife or your son?

[Craig Ferguson]

Two. Two kids. You have two kids, two boys.

[H. Foley]

With. With the same mom or different mom?

[Craig Ferguson]

Different moms.

[H. Foley]

Okay. How far apart are they?

[Craig Ferguson]

About nine and a half years.

[H. Foley]

About nine and a half years. So what are the vacations like now? What. What kind of stuff do you guys like to do?

[Craig Ferguson]

You, man.

[H. Foley]

This is what we want to hear.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, I know you like. I'm not Aston like some.

[H. Foley]

You earned every dime of it. You were selling milk on the back of a horse.

[Craig Ferguson]

That is true.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you mean?

[Craig Ferguson]

All right, so the vacations are a little better.

[Kevin Ryan]

12 rounds with the rag, man.

[Craig Ferguson]

That's right. Yeah. I got a lot of balloons. You know, the vacations are a little different.

[H. Foley]

What do you like? What do you like to do?

[Craig Ferguson]

You know, the truth is, we. We kind of don't take a ton of vacations.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

We. We have a place out of town that we go to that is right next to the beach.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

You know.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't think he's talking about. I don't think you're talking about Wild with New Jersey.

[Craig Ferguson]

You guys, this.

[H. Foley]

Is this a little fishing town as well?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, it's. It's a little. It's a little place.

[H. Foley]

Is there an economy airline close by?

[Craig Ferguson]

Maybe they fly over.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm trying to rework the flight patterns, too. Talking to my congressman.

[Craig Ferguson]

No, I only own the airspace to 40,000ft.

[H. Foley]

You get that thing up high, you go by my house. Holy shit.

[Craig Ferguson]

No, what we do is we tend to kind of go there or in New York. I mean, it's not. I don't go on a lot of vacations. It's funny. Jay Leno is a pal of mine. I don't know. You guys know Jay, but Jay, right?

[H. Foley]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know. We do not. I know who he is.

[H. Foley]

Oh, yeah. Hang out in the garage.

[Craig Ferguson]

Well, Jay and I. Occasionally, I'll do gigs with Jay Leno and Arsenio Hall. We go out and do gigs. Funny. Funniest. Shadow. Love fucking doing it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Damn.

[Craig Ferguson]

That's.

[H. Foley]

It's fun.

[Craig Ferguson]

It's always casinos.

[H. Foley]

That's awesome.

[Craig Ferguson]

It's always casinos.

[H. Foley]

I love it.

[Craig Ferguson]

But these guys are fucking great. I mean, you talk about pros, they're amazing.

[H. Foley]

Talk about knowing where the money is.

[Craig Ferguson]

The casinos.

[H. Foley]

Let's go.

[Craig Ferguson]

So they. But Jay, and he's kind of a blue collar guy. He came up, you know.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Craig Ferguson]

And he was like, take vacation. What the fuck am I gonna do on vacation? I tried it once. It was fucking terrible. Sitting on the beach, trying to read a book.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. The story where, you know, it was sad when he fell down the hill not that long ago. It was in front of, like, an Econo lodge that he was staying at. I'm like, why is Jay Leno staying at an Econo Lodge?

[Craig Ferguson]

You wouldn't believe this guy. So, like, Jabil, like, there's no. Like, you go on. If you go and do gigs with Jay, like, there's no entourage. There's no. There's no even a personal assistant.

[H. Foley]

Just walking in.

[Craig Ferguson]

This is Jay. And then he said to me. And we had a couple of gigs who were quite you know, a far in odd places. Yeah, Jay always travels private, right? He's got private jet.

[H. Foley]

Of course.

[Kevin Ryan]

What do you think? And should. He's Hollywood royalty, right, Mr. Leno?

[Craig Ferguson]

So Jay says, hey, do you want to ride in the jet? We're gonna go to the thing. I'm like, yeah, okay, I'll ride in the jet. And you get on the jet after the gig. And it's this fucking baller jet. But Jay's sitting with the denim pants, his denim shirt unbuttoned after eating pizza out of a box.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's how you gotta do it. And I'm like.

[Craig Ferguson]

He's like, you want a piece of pizza? I'm like, yeah. Yes, I fucking do.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's great, dude.

[H. Foley]

Man. All right, let's get into some. Are you garbage?

[Kevin Ryan]

We're 50 minutes in.

[Craig Ferguson]

Let's get some garbage.

[Kevin Ryan]

One question. I mean, this. The number we always ask. How many suits do you own? And it'd probably be hard to put a number on it.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, I don't know. Like, fucking hundreds.

[H. Foley]

Do you keep.

[Craig Ferguson]

So in the show, My agent, when I started in late night, we just put this thing. I was like, we just. We'll put it. Cause they were paying me anything. Like, fuck them then. Well, let's add this thing. Keep the wardrobe, you keep the suits. Now, that was just in at the beginning. So it's like one of these, like, things in a bill that goes through. Like, you don't notice. But it's now in every contract. So every game show I did, every fucking. Everything I've done, I've got all these fucking suits. That's awesome. And it sounds good, but now it's probably a burden. It is a burden.

[Kevin Ryan]

You have to get, like, another apartment for the suit.

[Craig Ferguson]

You know, to paraphrase Biggie, more suits, more problems.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I'm with you.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, you look sharp in a suit. Can I tell you that you do.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wear the shit out of a suit?

[H. Foley]

You wear the shit out of a suit.

[Craig Ferguson]

Thank you. I do. Enjoy.

[H. Foley]

All right, let's talk about the. Let's talk about in the house a little bit. Do you guys. Are the kids grown up? Are they out of the house?

[Craig Ferguson]

My. My youngest is 14, so my oldest is 24.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha. Are we doing family dinners? Yeah.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, we were close. Family.

[H. Foley]

Close family. Family dinners. Who's doing the cooking you do?

[Craig Ferguson]

My wife all the time.

[H. Foley]

She could cook.

[Craig Ferguson]

This is great.

[H. Foley]

What about the grocery shopping here in New York? Are you guys going out to the grocery store? You getting things delivered?

[Craig Ferguson]

What's The. What are these called?

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

All right.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. You just have it sent in.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I think so. Yeah. Are you writing this down? Is there a point?

[Kevin Ryan]

It's all.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, this is. This is the time and whether you're garbage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now we're coming over for dinner later.

[H. Foley]

I want to see what we're having tonight.

[Craig Ferguson]

Well, it. It depends. If we're in New York City, then, you know, you go to the store. But.

[H. Foley]

Okay, but if you're at this other.

[Craig Ferguson]

Place, if you're out of town, maybe you drive to the store.

[H. Foley]

Okay, but you are going to the store. I could see you walking around.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, I do. No, I do it. I will go to the store and do that stuff.

[H. Foley]

Are you a Whole Foods man? Are you?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. I tell you, I will be honest with this because, you know, Whole Foods is. I get what we're looking at with Whole Foods, but I will say this. Touring, as long as I've been touring in the Whole Foods changed the fucking game. Because it used to be like, if you could find a Cracker Barrel, that was it when you were on the road. And look, no disrespect to Cracker Barrel, you know, some of their gravy is. Is okay. But the. But the. But the Whole Foods things, like, you could always get something to eat.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Craig Ferguson]

Most towns and that. That's a big bar thing that they do.

[H. Foley]

You try to. You try to eat right and take care of yourself these days.

[Craig Ferguson]

I'm 63, of course.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha.

[Craig Ferguson]

I mean, I just. I don't know if you can see. I went to a dermatologist. I know that doesn't make me garbage, but I went to a dermatologist and they had to burn off little bits of, like, pre. Cancerous.

[H. Foley]

I'm doing that now. I have skin tags all over.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, we do it. We do it out there. You don't have health insurance.

[H. Foley]

Do you keep the butter on the counter or do you keep it in the fridge at the house?

[Craig Ferguson]

I put it in the fridge. My wife puts it on the counter.

[H. Foley]

Okay, all right. Okay, fair. The ketchup, where do you keep that again?

[Craig Ferguson]

I would go for fridge, actually. No other way around. My wife puts ketchup in the fridge. I leave the ketchup. I like the ketchup to be room temperature.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

You know, like Beaujolais.

[H. Foley]

I don't think they're quite the same thing, but fair enough.

[Craig Ferguson]

Some of the recent Beaujolais, I beg to differ. Am I right, everyone?

[H. Foley]

Ah, that's all right. Okay, let's Go into the bathroom.

[Craig Ferguson]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

Are you peeing in the shower?

[Craig Ferguson]

Oh, yeah.

[H. Foley]

Okay. You brush your teeth in there?

[Craig Ferguson]

No, I don't do that. My kids do that, and I suspect my wife does that, but I do not do that.

[H. Foley]

All right.

[Craig Ferguson]

Especially. I don't know, I think, like, peeing and brushing your teeth at the same time, it's kind of like doing that thing, you know what I mean?

[H. Foley]

I feel like you don't have to.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do them at the same time.

[H. Foley]

Do you floss every day?

[Craig Ferguson]

Not every day, but I do floss.

[H. Foley]

You keep up with it?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

All right. Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kippy, how do you feel about the rotisserie chicken? I'm killing with the peanut gallery. The live studio audience.

[Craig Ferguson]

I love the rotisserie chicken. I will buy the warm rotisserie chicken and get home. It's always a bit of a dash to get home because you get the warm rotisserie chicken, but you've also got the fudgesicles, which are getting colder. You can't have a 2 near next to the rotisserie chicken. But I like to get home before the rotisserie chicken is tepid. Yeah, I don't want it.

[Kevin Ryan]

It changes and coagulates a little bit.

[Craig Ferguson]

It's not the same once you get that. Once the gravy gets a gel to it, it's tough.

[Kevin Ryan]

How do you. How do you get your. If you are eating a steak, how do you get your steak cooked?

[Craig Ferguson]

I don't really eat the steak anymore, but. But when I would eat it, I. I'd go, well.

[H. Foley]

Well, that's a Scottish in you, though.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, yeah, Dirt bag.

[H. Foley]

Give me a little bit of a curve on that. Wait, hold on. What about these fudgesicles? You're a fudgesicle, man.

[Craig Ferguson]

Oh, I like fudgesicles.

[H. Foley]

Are you kidding me?

[Craig Ferguson]

No, Come on. They're great.

[H. Foley]

I love you, man. I couldn't like the guy anymore.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Fudge, sickles, and root beer. Holy. You're speaking my language.

[Craig Ferguson]

That's right. That's how I live.

[Kevin Ryan]

Holy.

[H. Foley]

Will you take leftovers home from a restaurant?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And do you like a nice dinner? Do you guys like. You and the wife, you like to go out to a nice place?

[Craig Ferguson]

I like to go to places where they. When they. They give you the foil, it's in the shape of a swan. But my. My. My wife is much classier than that. But I do like the foil in a swan.

[H. Foley]

All right.

[Craig Ferguson]

Foil swan to me says class 100%.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's the epitome of class. Do you currently own A tennis racket?

[Craig Ferguson]

No, fuck you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay. Have you ever played pickleball?

[Craig Ferguson]

No, no, but I. But I have a urologist.

[H. Foley]

Do you own binoculars?

[Craig Ferguson]

I do, I do. I own multiple sets of binoculars.

[H. Foley]

What kind of car are you whipping around town in?

[Craig Ferguson]

I got a. This. I think this is going to work for me here.

[H. Foley]

Hit me.

[Craig Ferguson]

I have a Ram 1500 bighorn, 5.7 liter. Fuck you guys.

[Kevin Ryan]

You guys, that's amazing.

[H. Foley]

Right on the edge there. You got a ram. Look at you.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, I fucking have got a ram. And you know what?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a guy who likes American.

[Craig Ferguson]

Let me just show you my fucking hat. That's my fucking hat. Well, the way I. The way I do it is this. The way I see the ram is this. I'm very worried about the environment.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Craig Ferguson]

So what I feel is to force big oil to make changes. I feel we've got to use it all up.

[H. Foley]

There you go.

[Craig Ferguson]

Use it up.

[H. Foley]

Mm.

[Craig Ferguson]

And that'll fucking make them pay attention.

[Kevin Ryan]

I respect that. What, what do you call it? You call it the remote or the clicker?

[Craig Ferguson]

Remote. Remote.

[H. Foley]

The remote, yeah. You have any fireworks in the house? Currently not.

[Craig Ferguson]

Currently, no. Oh, well, no, I got some sparkles. Always keep some sparklers cuz my wife's cousin's kids come over and they like the sparkle.

[H. Foley]

Okay. The beds. A king size bed, I assume.

[Craig Ferguson]

Gotta be which.

[H. Foley]

Oh, what are you sleeping on a twin at the apartment?

[Craig Ferguson]

No, but the king size in the apartment. But a queen size at the.

[Kevin Ryan]

The house.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

At the country home. As the Manhattanites with money called and go to the country.

[Craig Ferguson]

Oh yeah, yeah, queen size. Yeah. We got to change it though, because.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's tough.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, it's. It's. You know, we've married for a long time.

[Kevin Ryan]

If you need a couple bucks, let me know.

[H. Foley]

And what are you sleeping in? Are you sleeping in undies? You sleep.

[Craig Ferguson]

You gotta listen to me here because this is important. Sleep is important to me.

[H. Foley]

Of course.

[Craig Ferguson]

And about during the pandemic, actually during the COVID you know, just ordering stuff online because there's nothing else to do. So I order a pair of shorty as short silk pajamas. Whoa. I'm telling you, man, I have taken every drug I've heard of them all. Silk pajamas. That's a try that, that's the way to go. Like put down the oxycontin and get some silk.

[H. Foley]

Hey, why not Both silk pajamas and fudgesicles. Talk about the duality of man.

[Craig Ferguson]

That would be like a speedboat.

[Kevin Ryan]

At what age did you get your first Tattoo. And what age was the last tattoo? I see the tattoos on the arms there.

[Craig Ferguson]

The first tattoo was actually late because my father hated tattoos. He thought that, you know, people should not have tattoos. So when my father died, I thought, what better way to remember a man who hated tattoos than get a tattoo? The Celtic Paradox. So I got the family crest tattoo.

[Kevin Ryan]

I have to say, that is the first trashy tattoo everybody gets. Yeah, the family name.

[Craig Ferguson]

So my father. And then I didn't think about it for a while, and then about a few years later, my mom died. And I was, like, very sad, obviously. And then a few months after my mom had died, I started to kind of hear her in my head, like, oh, you got a tattoo for your father, but you don't get a tattoo for your mother. So I had to get my mother tattooed there. But as I'm getting this tattoo of my mother's family on here, the guy who's given me the ink says, you know, it's unlucky to have an even number of tattoos. Oh, I didn't know that. He said, so you better get a third. And I'm like, oh, okay. And I'd recently become an American citizen, so I thought, well, give me this one here.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, you got the snake.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. This guy's in it. Yeah. So. So I have to. I have. So I get three, and then after. That's crazy. But when I get. I don't know if. Are you guys inked? Nothing now, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

So I feel like a pussy. He just says, if we're inked. And we had to say, no.

[H. Foley]

Fuck.

[Craig Ferguson]

You know, a few years ago, that would have been true. Now, if you've got ink, it probably means you're a fucking orthodontist or something. But down here, that's the most hurty part of getting a tattoo I've ever had. Apparently, this is sore, too, but I don't.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Hear the ribs are bad.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

But this was very, very hearty. Don't do it.

[Kevin Ryan]

You gotta have, what, 12 now?

[Craig Ferguson]

Something like that. I don't even know. All over the place.

[H. Foley]

Do you do any cologne? Are you a cologne guy?

[Craig Ferguson]

You know, I don't. Nothing used to.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

And I. I kind of just don't.

[H. Foley]

What were you rocking back in the day?

[Craig Ferguson]

Davidoff. Cool water.

[H. Foley]

You were?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

This guy, like, I love him.

[H. Foley]

Holy.

[Craig Ferguson]

You know what? I gotta tell you, I still love it.

[H. Foley]

Yeah?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. And every time I'm. If I'm in an airport, I'm like, I should probably should grab a. Grab a bottle.

[Kevin Ryan]

I Live only at the airport.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, well that's the only place you can fucking get.

[H. Foley]

Who's cutting the hair these days?

[Craig Ferguson]

The last person to cut it was a lady called Vegas.

[H. Foley]

Do you go to her? Do they come to you?

[Craig Ferguson]

No, I just walk in and you go and said, my name is Vegas?

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Craig Ferguson]

I'd never met her before. No kid. It's not bad though, right?

[H. Foley]

She looks you fancy.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got a great head of hair. Good looking guy.

[Craig Ferguson]

Thank you.

[H. Foley]

100.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, listen, is this a club? Ah, you know.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. I mean.

[Craig Ferguson]

Well, you guys coming to a decision? I feel like it's. Is this the.

[H. Foley]

We're getting there.

[Craig Ferguson]

Okay, there's.

[H. Foley]

When you fly commercial, will you.

[Craig Ferguson]

I always fly commercial.

[H. Foley]

Will you bring anything on the plane with you? Will you bring food on the plane?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

What are you talking about?

[Craig Ferguson]

Oh, a sandwich or something from the.

[H. Foley]

Not like tuna or anything?

[Craig Ferguson]

No, no, no fish on the plane. No, but. But maybe, maybe a sandwich. I don't like to eat on the plane. I feel like the plane is a flying bathroom and I don't like even a long, long flight. I don't.

[H. Foley]

Take your shoes off on the plane.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yes.

[H. Foley]

Put the seat back.

[Craig Ferguson]

Depends. Okay, gentlemen, if it depends, you know, as the circumstances arise. But I have to say most of the time these days when I fly the seat back, going back doesn't seem to be an issue.

[H. Foley]

Understand? I know exactly what you're getting the lay flat. I'd like to hear that.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

You're saying you're. You're in the Fusel lot. I'd be upset.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, I'm just, you know, up near that. It's good because as the people come on and sit behind you, you can judge them.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's what we do too.

[H. Foley]

You guys do Christmas at the house?

[Craig Ferguson]

Yep.

[H. Foley]

Colored lights, White lights on the tree.

[Craig Ferguson]

White lights on the tree. My wife is classy. There's no way she's garbage.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, so that makes sense.

[H. Foley]

All right.

[Kevin Ryan]

I love how he knew the white lights were classy.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

What about the nails? You biting the nails?

[Craig Ferguson]

No, no, I don't think so.

[H. Foley]

You do anything to them?

[Craig Ferguson]

No.

[H. Foley]

Trim them?

[Craig Ferguson]

I got a clipper.

[H. Foley]

You do the clippers yourself?

[Craig Ferguson]

But. Yeah, but I don't do the toes every time. And sometimes these days I try and do that when I'm clipping the toes. I try and be on my own. Yeah, that's classy.

[H. Foley]

Any bad toenails? You got a bad.

[Craig Ferguson]

I had one for a while, but it's cleared up. I got apparently when you get Covid. I got Covid. I'm sure we've all had it. If you haven't.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got it right now.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, you. You get a. I got something called cold moving, too, which I think it was probably.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're making that up.

[Craig Ferguson]

Maybe I made it up, maybe I didn't. I don't know.

[H. Foley]

What does it do? Turn your nail black?

[Craig Ferguson]

It went a little weird.

[H. Foley]

No kidding.

[Craig Ferguson]

Kind of went like.

[Kevin Ryan]

You had a hook. A little bit of a hook, too.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Get in there.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, I know. Anyway, it's cleared up now.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, the guy's trash. What are you doing here?

[H. Foley]

Come on.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dead ringer for trash, man.

[H. Foley]

The F1 fit or the. The Ram.

[Kevin Ryan]

The Ram.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, you know, the Ram with the American hat.

[H. Foley]

Dude.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I love it. Mr. Craig Ferguson, 100% garbage.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah, but we love you, man.

[H. Foley]

What a legendary.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yes. I'm very pleased, gang.

[H. Foley]

The special I'm so Happy is on YouTube right now.

[Craig Ferguson]

I think so.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Right, Joy. A podcast. You can listen to that if you want. And of course, you're on tour. Pants on Fire Tour. Thecraigfergusonshow.com I mean, an absolute legend.

[Craig Ferguson]

Yeah. God bless you.

[H. Foley]

We can't thank you enough for coming in.

[Craig Ferguson]

Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it.

[H. Foley]

We love you. Congratulations on everything. That story was. Was inspiring and unbelievable.

[Craig Ferguson]

Oh, thanks.

[H. Foley]

And we really mean it. You're one of the true greats.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes.

[H. Foley]

Thank you, sir.

[Kevin Ryan]

See you on the Upper east side.

[H. Foley]

Kippy. What do you got? And we're coming over for dinner tonight, guys.

[Kevin Ryan]

We still have some of the Are you Garbage Car game available at rugarbage. Com. And we're on tour as well. Get those tickets now.

[H. Foley]

Craig, we love you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, ma' am.

[H. Foley]

Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace.