Are You Garbage? – Cristina Mariani!
Hosts: H. Foley & Kevin Ryan
Guest: Cristina Mariani
Date: February 5, 2026
Episode Overview
This episode of Are You Garbage? features stand-up comic Cristina Mariani, known for her work in the Austin comedy scene. H. Foley and Kevin Ryan put her through their signature gauntlet of questions to determine whether she is “classy” or, as they put it, “garbage.” The conversation is delightfully chaotic, with Cristina’s deadpan and sometimes evasive responses prompting plenty of banter, friendly roasting, and occasional confusion.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
Cristina’s Background & Upbringing
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Born in Lodi, California, Raised in Tuscany and Stockton:
- Cristina clarifies early on that, while born in Lodi, CA, she moved as a baby to Tuscany, Italy, before moving back to Stockton, CA at age eleven. (02:22)
- “I was born in Lodi, California...then moved to Corfino, Italy, then moved back to Stockton, California.” – Cristina [02:18]
- Her Italian-American family has deep roots: her father was born in the US to Italian parents, her mother in Italy.
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Family & Community:
- Oldest of four siblings; speaks Italian better than siblings.
- Dad ran his own auto body shop in California and a cafe-bar in Italy; mom was a stay-at-home parent.
- Italian heritage was prominent: “That's pretty Italian to just have an accordion lying around.” – Cristina [10:50]
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Early Life and Schooling:
- Attended private Catholic school in California after returning from Italy. Family was fairly religious, going to church on Sundays. (09:23)
- No interest or involvement in sports; instead, played piano and accordion (“I was nerdy. I wasn't athletic.” – Cristina [10:30])
Family Life & Traditions
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Vacations & Home Life:
- Not many vacations during childhood, as her father was busy renovating their Stockton house for years (11:50, 12:25).
- The family did eventually start going to Hawaii. Preferred island: Kauai. (“That’s the one Jurassic Park was filmed.” – Cristina [11:54])
- Lived in a sizable house with a pool; everyone had their own room. (“More than one and less than five [bedrooms].” [12:42])
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Family Food Habits:
- Classic Italian-American experiences: homemade spaghetti sauce, cured meats, sneaking salami to her room as a snack. [24:55]
Her Path to Comedy
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Education and Career:
- Attended UC Davis; majored in English, minored in Political Science (parents wanted her to be a lawyer; she thought it sounded boring) [15:59]
- Worked as an insurance underwriter after graduation.
- Started stand-up after moving to Austin during the pandemic, when her job became remote. “I just got bored and landed in Austin” – Cristina [16:46]
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First Car & Resourcefulness:
- First car was a silver 2006 Prius her dad fixed up and gave to her at 18. Later bought a 2008 Prius from her dad, which she drove to Austin and still owns. [18:19-27:08]
- “He kind of fixed it up, and then I—yeah.” – Cristina [18:44]
Cristina’s Quirks and Habits
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Living Situations:
- Lives in a studio in Austin and spends much time on the road or in LA. Apartment described as messy: “It looks like a beaver lives there.” – Cristina [50:19]
- Five plates in her kitchen, mismatched silverware, uses a Brita filter with an overdue cartridge. [50:31, 51:02]
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Travel and Flight Etiquette:
- Gets to the airport just in time (“I time it, like, as it's boarding, I'm there”). Not TSA PreCheck, but uses Clear. [29:01]
- Never steals from the airport, but admits to taking pens from work. [29:44]
- Puts her seat back on planes; doesn’t remove her shoes in coach. [30:54]
- No strong superstitions, but does flip pennies on the ground to “make them lucky for someone else.” [32:29]
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Eating & Food Preferences:
- Eats in her room and car frequently. [28:26, 28:31]
- Loves salami and cured meats: “Salami isn’t a sandwich meat. It’s a standalone meat to me.” – Cristina [36:17]
- Favorite foods: sushi (even from buffets), prosciutto, and kinder chocolate bars. [41:52, 70:15]
- Enjoys all fast food, especially In-N-Out, Carl’s Jr., Taco Bell, Popeye's, and Chick Fil A. “Taco Bell is always good, but you never crave it for some reason. But then every time I have it, I’m like, ‘This is awesome.’” – Cristina [46:38]
- Can cook, but only really makes salads: “I take the lettuce apart and I just like, here you go.” [48:39]
- Will sneak food into movies—even once snuck in a whole pizza with a friend. [49:15]
Lifestyle & Oddities
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Personal Organization & Hygiene:
- Dislikes getting her nails done beyond polish, picks at them when nervous. [34:20+]
- Three towels in rotation at home, uses each for up to a week. [67:17]
- Doesn’t regularly see the dentist or doctor, but loves milk with dinner, even now. [66:22, 66:35]
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Money & Possessions:
- Not big on luxury: uses a cheap rolling bag from overseas and usually just brings a backpack on the road. [54:42]
- Not careful with things: leaves her car unlocked to avoid window break-ins, found her car cleaned out after a break-in (“Now I don’t have to clean it.” – Cristina [64:51])
- No brand name luggage, uses hand-me-downs and resourceful solutions.
- Loses her gift cards, doesn’t bother changing Brita filters, avoids complicated life admin.
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Collector/Childhood Quirks:
- Collected pencil-top erasers and beer bottle caps as a child. [52:03]
- Awards/trophies from childhood piano competitions are still at the (empty) family home in Italy. [71:20+]
Comedy & Social Life
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Social Habits:
- Grew up introverted, with a small or non-existent friend group. [23:28]
- Went to prom with a friend, group limo. [23:53]
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Family’s Relationship to Her Comedy:
- Parents were lukewarm or unsupportive about her comedy career until recently; she attributes her sense of humor to her dad. [55:57, 56:15]
- Parents have never seen her perform stand-up—sometimes didn’t even tell relatives what she did. [57:16]
Trashy or Classy?
True to the podcast's premise, Cristina demonstrates plenty of garbage-y markers (messy apartment, eating in her room, mismatched silverware, snacking on whole salamis, bringing pizza into movie theaters), but it all comes across with endearing, irreverent self-effacement. The hosts especially needle her about her elusive answers and perpetual nonchalance.
Memorable Moments & Notable Quotes
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On why she didn't know the local grocery store as a kid:
- “I couldn't read.” – Cristina (14:38)
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On sneaking pizza into the movies:
- “You just take it apart and put it in aluminum foil...No one knows. And then you just have pizza in the movie.” – Cristina [49:25]
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On flipping unlucky pennies:
- “I flip them over and make them lucky for someone.” – Cristina [32:29]
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On her favorite karaoke song:
- “Yeah, it’s Molly Cyrus by Stitches.” – Cristina [59:16]
- (Hosts’ incredulous response: “This seems a little aggressive.” – Kevin [60:02])
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On missing fast food and buffets:
- “Growing up in Stockton, sushi buffets, everything feels fancy to me.” – Cristina [42:32]
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On the possibility of being mean:
- “Sorry if I was too mean.” – Cristina
- “No, no. We're joking around.” – Foley [74:19]
Episode Timeline (important segments)
| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|---------------------------------------------------------| | 00:50 | Introduction of Cristina Mariani | | 02:22 | Childhood: Italy/California move | | 04:27 | Family & parents’ careers | | 09:23 | Schooling: Private Catholic, religious family | | 10:23 | No sports, musical childhood (accordion, piano) | | 11:50 | Family vacations (mostly none except Hawaii later) | | 15:59 | College & career aspirations (English/Poli Sci/lawyers) | | 16:27 | How she came to Austin and started comedy | | 18:19 | First car: resourceful Prius hand-me-down | | 24:55 | Eating habits: salami in her room | | 28:26 | Eats in the car, in her room as an adult | | 32:29 | Penny flipping superstition | | 42:01 | Sushi buffets and what feels ‘fancy’ to her | | 46:15+ | Favorite fast food (“Taco Bell is always good…”) | | 48:39 | Cooking skills? “Salad. Just, you know, lettuce.” | | 49:15 | Pizza in the movie theater anecdote | | 55:57 | Parents’ tepid support for comedy | | 59:16 | Karaoke pick: “Molly Cyrus by Stitches” | | 67:17 | Towel & shower routine at home | | 70:15 | Favorite candy: Kinder | | 71:20 | Childhood trophies still in the empty house in Italy |
Tone & Takeaways
The episode is full of playful ribbing and mismatched energy: Cristina is consistently both evasive and stoically funny, leaving the hosts off-balance and self-questioning. At heart, she’s a likable bundle of quirks: resourceful, unbothered, with footloose eating and living habits, a touch of European flair, and a talent for keeping the hosts on their toes.
Final Judgment:
“She’s trash and I’m gay.” – Kevin [73:30]
The hosts officially pronounce Cristina “garbage”—but in the most entertaining, deeply human sense the show celebrates.
Connect with Cristina
- On Tour: Dates and info at christinamariani.com
- Instagram: @criimarii
- Upcoming: Performing at The Comedy Store (main room) on February 18th