Fat Guy Mistakes w/ Big Jay Oakerson

Summary

Are You Garbage? – "Fat Guy Mistakes w/ Big Jay Oakerson"

Release Date: February 16, 2026
Hosts: Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Guest: Big Jay Oakerson

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Episode Overview

In this raucous, fast-paced episode, fan-favorite comedian Big Jay Oakerson returns to the "Are You Garbage?" podcast. Ryan, Foley, and Oakerson dive deep into tales of personal trashiness, fat guy faux pas, and the everyday indignities and small luxuries that shape their (and every garbage person’s) lives. From embarrassing restaurant dress codes to dubious hotel room etiquette, no slice of garbage life is left unexamined. If you’ve ever wondered which household appliance makes you “feel rich,” or what it’s like to get kicked out of a hotel for smoking, this episode delivers. Expect rapid banter, candid confessions, hysterically personal stories, and lots of talk about bidets, fast food, and illicit bathroom behavior.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. YouTube Awards and Old-School Rap Nostalgia

Timestamp: 01:10–04:40

• Jay marvels at the crew’s old-style gold YouTube plaque versus the new “shitty plastic” ones:
  “All I’m mesmerized by is that you guys hit that hundred thousand thing before they changed it...” — Jay [01:13]
• The hosts and Jay roleplay about showing off the award at family gatherings.
• Spirals into a nostalgic riff on 90s rap, sampling old songs, and not recognizing original tracks.
  “You can’t show me one Lil Baby song where I’m like, that’s actually great. It doesn’t exist.” — Jay [03:44]

2. Fat Kid Clothes Problems & 90s Fashion

Timestamp: 04:04–04:28

• Foley reminisces about wanting a cool LL Cool J hoodie as a fat kid and being crushed when clothing never fit the same way as on TV stars.
  “When I was a fat little kid, I couldn’t understand why my clothes didn’t fit the way Michael J. Fox’s closes.” — Foley [04:07]
• Jay and the hosts joke about taking fashion tips from 90s music videos—"Crop tops, velvet, all that.”

3. Music Taste & Comedy Road Stories

Timestamp: 06:22–08:40

• Jay details driving to gigs with Black comics in the 90s, learning which rock bands were most “acceptable” across cultures:
  “Tool, Deftones, Korn always had an effect... You’re feeling that hip hop energy.” — Jay [07:01]
• Learning poor road habits, like putting $7 worth of gas in cars just to get to the next town.
• Wawa gas and free air for tires gets passionate support.

4. Fat Guy Mistake: Steakhouse Dress Code Disaster

Timestamp: 11:07–16:07

• Kevin tells a hilarious fat guy horror story: going to a fancy steakhouse wearing a black T-shirt, only to be told “All gentlemen are required to wear a collar.”
  “So now I don’t know what size jacket they’re... she comes out, brings a jacket... now I’m thoroughly embarrassed. I gotta stand up and roll the dice on this thing fitting.” — Kevin [12:16]
• The crew riff on the humiliation—especially for bigger guys—of squeezing into a “loaner” jacket in front of a table of cool patrons.
• Jay suggests the move is always to get the Black table on your side.
• They research the actual dress code, reading out the rules and sharing similar tales of questionable restaurant policies.

5. Bachelor Parties & “Garbage” Wedding Etiquette

Timestamp: 21:08–24:21

• Jay shares a wild bachelor party story in Vegas, where every event ended with someone asking for cash to “chip in”—even after luxurious group meals at Carbone:
  “Everything we did... $250 a person... Me and Soda had to start covering people because I started seeing, you know, lower-money people going ‘oh, God, all I had was spaghetti.’”
• Foley recounts a wedding where he took back his cash gift after a miserably hot outdoor ceremony and getting drunk:
  “I started crying in the car on the way home. I fuckin took that 100 bucks back. Fuck him. Crazy.” — Foley [24:10]

6. Fat Guy Diets: SlimFast, Ensure, and Early Smoking

Timestamp: 28:08–29:34

• The group recalls ill-fated attempts at weight loss and strange fat kid choices.
• Jay drank his great-grandmother's Ensure ("her life's blood") as a chocolate treat.
  “This is her life’s blood—I'm like, it’s so chocolatey.” — Jay [28:40]
• Stories of childhood friends smoking cigarettes “to stay thin” and misconceptions about diet products.

7. “Things That Make You Feel Rich” — Trashy Luxury

Timestamp: 29:41–33:43

• New segment: what little luxuries make you feel rich, in spite of being garbage?
• Jay’s answer: “Bidets in all bathrooms! ...TV in every room.”
  “I have a TV in every room... The last one I thought about...” — Jay [32:40]
• The crew cracks up at how trashy it is to bring a laptop into the bathroom to watch videos while blooming on the bidet.
• Discussion about the limits of luxury—no TVs in the bathroom; but outside, Jay has rigged his hot tub to face a TV.

8. Internet Habits, Porn Preferences & The Morning Routine

Timestamp: 33:53–47:55

• Jay reveals his “bathroom information cycle”:
  “Worldstar, The Nip Slip, Eagles News, Sixers News, back to The Nip Slip...”
• The crew laughs at Jay’s encyclopedic knowledge of porn aggregator sites—Bing, SpankBang, LobsterTube—and his “control experiments.”
• “If ‘E-Fucked’ tells me, ‘it’s moving,’ you got a couple minutes here, you can knock it out.”
• His wife Christine’s routine involves holding an iPad as he scrolls through daily nudes and sports news.
• Jay: “I've never seen ‘Game of Thrones,’ but I've seen every pussy on it. I’ll give you that.”

9. Hot Tub Rules & Personal Cleanliness

Timestamp: 47:07–48:46

• Jay details strict hot tub rules:
  “I don't want my jizz just living in there... In fact, hot tub’s off limits now.”
• Foley: “Take that bidet first. But yeah, jerk off and clean your asshole before you get in.”
• The conversation veers into things that should make you feel rich: like valet parking—not so much for these guys.

10. Hotel Smoking & Getting Kicked Out

Timestamp: 49:03–54:45

• Jay confesses to being kicked out of a Hilton in Milwaukee for smoking weed in his room—at age 48.
  “She treated me like a criminal... You broke the policy. And I'm like, alright. You seem way too angry about this.” — Jay [52:23]
• The humiliation of trekking across a snowy highway, running into staff convinced he’s returned for revenge, and the utterly garbage attempt to mask the smell with a “toilet paper tube full of baby wipes.”
• Other stories recounted: using “heroin math” to explain fat-guy pants belts, and childhood ties to notorious smokers.

11. Indoor Smoking at Venues & Risk Tolerance

Timestamp: 57:56–60:07

• Jay and the hosts discuss the fine art of sneaking smokes or vapes in stadiums or greenrooms.
• The line between “acceptable garbage” and “menace” is fuzzy—Jay’s happy to chance a concert floor, never in seats.
• Running themes: the lingering 90s mindset, not giving a fuck, and only getting truly caught a handful of times.

12. Coda: Station Disasters & Final “Garbage” Confessions

Timestamp: 61:08–63:49

• Epic tale of a hotel fire sprinkler disaster caused by a fellow junkie guest—Jay’s room barely survives.
• Rapid-fire wrap up, laughs about showing dirty porn to the Are You Garbage audience.
• Jay plugs his “Greatest Yapper Alive” tour and the iconic, disturbing “Biggie Smalls” style poster.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “When I was a fat little kid, I couldn’t understand why my clothes didn’t fit the way Michael J. Fox’s closes.” — Foley [04:07]
• “You can’t show me one Lil Baby song where I’m like, that’s actually great. It doesn’t exist.” — Jay [03:44]
• On bidets:
  “I flower, I bloom... and then with a series of blooms... sometimes it'll get the pipes going.” — Jay [31:42]
• On hot tubs:
  “I don't want my jizz just living in there neither. I don't want anybody fucking my hot tub. In fact, hot tub’s off limits now.” — Jay [48:11]
• On steakhouse dress code:
  “She brings a jacket. I gotta stand up and roll the dice on this thing fitting.” — Kevin [12:16]
• On YouTube awards:
  “All I’m mesmerized by is that you guys hit that hundred thousand thing before they changed it to the shitty trophy now.” — Jay [01:13]
• On hotel eviction:
  “She treated me like a criminal... You broke the policy. And I'm like, alright. You seem way too angry about this.” — Jay [52:23]
• On getting caught smoking:
  “I looked at the peep… I know she heard it go ‘shit’…” — Jay [52:32]
• Worldstar/Nip Slip routine:
  “I've never seen Game of Thrones, but I've seen every pussy on it. I’ll give you that.” — Jay [35:18]
• Bathroom tech:
  “I bring my laptop into the bathroom and put it on my knees. Or I hold it like I'm reading poetry to a loved one.” — Jay [33:23]

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Essential Timestamps

• Opening banter, rap nostalgia: 01:10–04:40
• Fat kid clothes & fashion regrets: 04:04–04:28
• Dress code disaster at steakhouse: 11:07–16:07
• Bachelor party “pay to play” story: 21:08–24:21
• Fat kid mistakes & Ensure: 28:08–29:34
• Bathroom luxury segment (bidet, TV): 29:41–33:43
• Jay’s info/porn cycle: 33:53–47:55
• Getting kicked out for weed: 49:03–54:45
• Indoor smoking at venues: 57:56–60:07
• Hotel fire sprinkler disaster: 61:08–63:49
• Plugs and closing: 64:08–65:03

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Tone & Takeaways

The energy is relentlessly playful, self-effacing, and big-hearted. Jay is all-in on revealing the most embarrassing, bodily, and idiosyncratic details of his “garbage” life, while the hosts keep the banter fast and the tone chaotic, deeply relatable, and weirdly informative. There is warmth in the trashiness—an invitation for the audience to both cringe and celebrate the wonderful messiness of fat guy mistakes and late-bloomed adulthood.

A must-listen for fans of fearless, extremely real comedy.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage. Oh, yeah, it's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a good to be classy. Yeah, just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Dave Trolley. Coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in the new edition. She's out ice skating in the Delaware. Little choppy out there to be honest with you.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Mike Kos is coming at you from.

[B]

Right next to me.

[A]

He is the CEO of Are youe Garbage? An international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world, and I love him. Give it up for KJ Kevin, James Ryan, everybody.

[C]

What up, gang? Shout out to you as always, thanks for tuning in. Please make sure you rate subscribe on itunes. Full video available YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify too. And a boys are climbing the frigging charts.

[B]

Yes, we are.

[C]

And then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. you go over there, you get all that sweet content, gang.

[A]

That's right. And gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today. Back again, family. At this point, legend in the Ru Garbage universe, give it up for the one, the only, Big J Okerson. Small J Okerson. Dude, you look fantastic.

[B]

Thank you. I appreciate it. I want to tell you, this is garbage for sure. All I'm mesmerized by is that you guys hit that hundred thousand thing before they changed it to the shitty trophy now.

[C]

Oh, it's changed.

[B]

Really? It's like, it's like maybe half the size, very flimsy, like plasticky.

[C]

You have to pay for it. Yeah, yeah, like. Well, they give you. I think you get one, right? And it's like, it's like $53. And they give you a $53 credit. Like, you put the code in and it takes the whole price off. But if you want another one, like if me and you each wanted one another 53 bucks.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Which we are not doing.

[B]

I'm pure principle.

[A]

I could use one of those.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Throw that around my family's face.

[C]

53 bucks.

[B]

Is that a young Foley over there?

[C]

It's a young Foley.

[B]

What? That's Boba Fett. Oh, no, I do get those confused. Were you a young intergalactic bounty hunter?

[A]

I live many lives.

[B]

Yeah, I was in 90s, the outer rim. I don't get into all that.

[A]

How you feeling, pal?

[B]

I'm feeling good.

[A]

You look fantastic.

[C]

Looking good, Feeling good.

[B]

I drove here listening to LL Cool J salute the sample.

[A]

Oh, there you go.

[B]

I don't know why I still get excited when I hear rappers talk about old music. I'm like, always surprised. It's like hearing a child have information you don't know. Is that racist?

[C]

What do you mean?

[A]

What?

[B]

Just LL Cool J's like, yeah. The sample from this Kid and Play song was taken from a song from 1973. And I remember my mom dances and it's like some, you know, like Barry Hanwick and the. You know, the Treacherous Three.

[A]

Frankie Beverly.

[B]

Yeah. It's like these bands you've never heard of before, and you're like, oh, listen to that. That's the kid in Play Song.

[C]

I know. It was always when you hear this. I mean, because I started listening, like, then I would, like, you know, Puff Daddy and all, like the. No, like, no Limit and all that stuff. It was all sampled. And then I would hear the original song. Like, they ripped off Buffy.

[A]

Yeah, some of those. Some of those were just the song. The original song was good. Like, that's just the way it is. That's just a good song.

[B]

Oh, it's fantastic.

[A]

Just talking over it.

[C]

You have hit three old dudes doing a podcast.

[B]

Well, that's what.

[C]

It's just a gotcha hot.

[B]

You know, when rap came out, especially when it started becoming the things you were like, I like it. It sounds cool, but, like, artistically trash. Yeah, it's fucking trash. And then that's why it's the one music that you can't get into the new now at all. Because now I feel how my old white neighbors felt about hip hop when I liked it. And the new stuff that was coming out, I'm like, nah. The Wu Tang Clan, though, they're really great. It's all crap. You can't show me one lil baby song where I'm like, that's actually great. It doesn't exist.

[A]

Gotta give me a sample. Little haul of notes.

[B]

Yeah, I need a sample. That's why I say crazy things like, hey, have you guys heard the new Everlast album? What? No one's listening to. Hey, you know, Raekwon's still putting out stuff.

[A]

Mama said Knock youk Out came out. I wanted that hoodie so bad. I could never get my. This is another thing, too. Like, when I was a fat little kid, I couldn't understand why my clothes didn't fit the way Michael J Fox closes. Hello?

[C]

Cool. Jake's closed at event.

[A]

Nobody.

[C]

It was like velvet.

[A]

And I didn't put it together that my hoodies had, like, the stitch in the middle and his didn't have that. Just the way it hung on him was so cool.

[B]

The boxing one, right? Yeah, the boxing ring one.

[A]

Loved it. Who's that against? Big Daddy Kane. He was beefing with somebody during that. Mama said knock you out. I can't remember who it was.

[B]

Oh, was he.

[A]

Somebody got it.

[B]

It wasn't the Jamie Foxx one. That was great. Remember he punched Jamie Foxx?

[C]

Yeah. That's all pre. I was. Before I was, like, checked in.

[B]

Well, no, that was on the Any Given Sunday set.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, they, like, didn't get along. And I guess they were talking together. I can. Like, between scenes. And like, El Cool J punched him in the face.

[A]

Oh, I wouldn't with him. I feel like ice tea could do some damage now.

[B]

You could take iced tea now.

[C]

Yeah. He's like, dude, he's like, gotta be 72 years old.

[B]

You had to wait long enough for all of it. But, yeah, for sure.

[C]

Even, like.

[B]

I'll be honest. Even like a Chuck Zito. You can probably take him now.

[A]

Who did We. We saw. We saw Chuck Lindell not that long ago summer.

[B]

He'll still kick.

[A]

He'd still fuck us up.

[B]

Yeah, for sure. Because he didn't hit, like, the last, like, thing. People always. Especially when people age well, it is funny when they finally hit it, like Johnny Depp, obviously, finally hit it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now he's, like, goofy, looking at his best swollen.

[A]

Still fuck him, though.

[B]

Tommy Lee. All that shit Tommy Lee went through with the girl. Do you know that thing? His girlfriend or his wife she was.

[C]

With forever was DMing somebody or she was.

[B]

She was getting catfished by the lead singer of Falling In Reverse.

[A]

Crazy town.

[B]

No. Yeah. Now he's gone. He's long gone.

[C]

Rest in peace, Swifty.

[B]

Rest in peace. Shifty shovel shift.

[C]

Shifty fuck poser.

[B]

It might be. It might be swift. I don't know. It's one of those two. I always come. Shifty shovel, shift.

[C]

It ain't Lawrence, man.

[B]

We thought it was cool when it came out, though. Remember? I want a body like that. I want tattoos on my shoulders like that.

[C]

Yeah, he was. I was in. How old were you? I mean, I was in, I think, eighth grade.

[B]

What year? Coming out.

[C]

What year did. I mean, I could look it up.

[B]

Probably graduated.

[C]

What's the name of the song again?

[B]

Butterfly.

[C]

By Sugar Town. No, Crazy Town. Oh, I'm sorry, what are you guys in the fam. Come on, Jay, let's get out of this.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Upper Darby Chapter 19, 1999.

[B]

Jeez. I was doing comedy for two years. I was unironically listening to that on drives to New York, black shows from Philly. Yo, I gotta go with Manhattan Proper and get booed in front of Kubob Ice.

[A]

When do they start sampling this, huh?

[B]

Come, my lady Come, come my lady. I used to drive with so many black comedians though it is funny. I learned the bands that if you didn't want to just do hip hop the whole time, you can like, there's something. I know you could do a test on it if just like have something playing. And it was Deftones, Tool, Korn.

[C]

Really.

[B]

At earliest times when it would be like Kevin Hart and me and Keith and stuff. Keith Robinson driving in the car like an early Papa Road. But that song obviously, like the song. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Summer early Metallica. But Tool, Deftones and Korn always had like an effect that if I had a black comic in the car, they'd always go, who's this? You go, right, right. You're feeling that hip hop energy. You're feeling the hip hop energy a little bit.

[A]

My favorite is when they show like old school black dudes listening to music for the first time and they're digging it.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I mean, they'll have like Joe Cocker or somebody on there start bobbing their.

[C]

Heads like, yeah, you're watch. You're watching like music reaction videos.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, black people reacting to music. Oh, it is great when black people watch Tool and they go, oh, they even call it, like different things. They even call. It goes, oh, this isn't that drop. You hear that drop? He goes, it's just called. The guitar part is.

[A]

James Taylor's a bad. I remember riding with black comics. I learned that you can get gas in very small. Odd Denom.

[C]

I swear to God. Chris Cotton drove us from New York City to. To. No, to. Yeah. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. And we didn't get on one highway and stop for gas 14 times. And we just kept putting. And go, I'll put seven in to get. To get. Just. Just to get us going. Because he was looking for cheaper gas. And like, dude, we were so broke. And I remember just being like, let's just put in 15 that you get.

[A]

Jammed up out there.

[C]

That 850 put a little bit in to get to the next.

[B]

When I first. When I first moved to New York, I remember like having to do. I go back to Visit like my mom or something back there. Like how much you come back and be like, it was still like when I came to New York, there was still. You can come home and get it for like a dollar something.

[C]

Save it when you get back.

[B]

Yeah, like, it was really important to find that, like cheap gas.

[A]

My mom does that a while. Go to Wawa, it's a dollar cheaper. What the fuck? What?

[C]

That and a free atm.

[B]

Get a. You can get a pretzel. Free air too. Free tire.

[C]

Free air.

[A]

Yeah. That's the best thing that they've loosened up on that free air. That and the put. Well, no, it.

[C]

A quarter.

[B]

Well, that or it's like at very least. Very least have a machine that you can like tap a card to. I mean, the insanity of having to rummage through and find a quarter to put this thing so it works for.

[C]

Go ahead. You're like, can you break it 10? I need four quarters too.

[A]

They're always a dick about that too.

[C]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

All right, let's get.

[C]

I gotta. I gotta get a. I got one thing I want to bounce off you. I felt this is a situation. No. What? Who are you?

[A]

Jay's here. Don't be rude. Hey, look at that. Garage beer.

[B]

I like it a lot. Dude, it tastes like pinpoint accurate snaps.

[A]

There you go. I don't know what that means, but. You hear that, Kelsey boys?

[B]

Yeah, he snaps. Snaps the ball. Pinpoint accurate.

[A]

Good.

[C]

You thought. What did you think it was like a candy or something? Snaps. I didn't know they make them anymore.

[B]

How does that tie into a center?

[A]

I thought you were talking about racist.

[C]

I went to a. I went to a nice steakhouse and this reminded me of your story out in Long Island. I'm curious as how you would handle such situation. I went out, I got there, I had a black T shirt and jeans on. That feels like pretty. It's okay.

[B]

What are you going to a christening in Upper Darby?

[C]

Died just like a carpenter going to a Holy communion party.

[B]

He goes, I gotta go, I gotta stop by because I'm a foreman on this job, so I gotta stop by, make sure these guys aren't around because then I'm swing by. Christening? Yeah. It's just a matter of pulling your chain out or not.

[C]

Tucking the shirt in or not was big. Foreman had his shirt tucked in a lot of time. He meant business.

[A]

I always loved it on Sopranos. And they would stop by the job site before they would go to dinner or something like that. I was like, oh, it's probably the life.

[C]

It wasn't. My whole life was going to job. I stopped by the job site every time with my dad, and you're just like, this is. You are. You are not needed at a. At an. On the. On the roof of it.

[A]

Make sure everybody's working right now.

[C]

I can tell you that.

[B]

But you got to make sure they're doing it.

[A]

Come on, dad. We're gonna miss the previews.

[C]

Sitting in a car.

[B]

Acme trusted me with a job.

[C]

They need new air filters on their units. And so I. I'm feeling okay. I mean, I'm not the classiest dress guy, but I'm, you know, okay.

[B]

It's fine.

[C]

Fine. It's fine.

[A]

Nice black T shirt.

[C]

Nice black T shirt. Polo outlet. Pair of shoes, pair of sneakers. Okay. The dark jeans. You know, they. They sit me down. Nice steakhouse. I take my jacket off. There's no coat check. So I take my jacket off and I put it on the chair. And then the hostess who sat me said, sir, all gentlemen are required to wear a collar. And I said, well, I don't have one.

[A]

Kind of freaky shit. Are you guys into talking dog collar?

[C]

And she said, okay, well, I have. We have a jacket, like a blazer that you can wear. I was embarrassed. Or I could sit there with my outdoor jacket on and eat a steak like a fucking homeless person out of.

[A]

A To go container.

[B]

I gotta get out of here.

[C]

I gotta go. So here's my thing. I'm a bigger gentleman my whole life. So now I don't know what size jacket they're. Because they bring it to me.

[B]

I don't go 42 long.

[C]

Yeah, she's. I.

[B]

What are you, about a 42 long? Yeah. Giuseppe. Thanks.

[A]

It's got those question marks all over it.

[C]

Want to save on your Dax?

[B]

Pulls out the real tape measure, starts hitting your inseam.

[C]

So I volunteered. At this point, I'm thoroughly embarrassed. A lot of cool black guys around me too. Table full. And they went, oh, they saw it go down. So now I'm thoroughly embarrassed. She comes out, brings a jacket. I gotta stand up and roll the dice on this thing fitting.

[B]

You should have went to Blackbeard. You always gotta get him on your sidebag, bitch. Talking about I gotta wear a polo shirt or some shit.

[C]

You ever hear the Deftones?

[A]

You believe this shit?

[C]

Cut my life, bitch hit me.

[A]

Especially when they're charging for gas out there. Am I right?

[B]

Cut my life into pieces.

[C]

So I was very embarrassed. I did take it and jacket ended up fitting. It looked pretty good. I had stains of guest on it. Oh, there's a picture.

[A]

Ah, there we go.

[C]

Looks solid, right? I mean, it's a dark picture, but it doesn't.

[B]

Like you wore it there. I mean, it looks like it belongs to you.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

You went scared. You went and took a bathroom selfie. It's pretty hilarious.

[C]

I had to. It's for the show program. Would you take the jacket or eat in your jacket?

[B]

Shit, I don't know.

[C]

Or leave, probably.

[A]

What jacket would you have, though?

[B]

What do you mean? That I'd be wearing?

[C]

Yeah, like, what's your outdoor jacket? The one you wore here.

[A]

Assuming it has denim and pins on it.

[B]

It's got the Misfits logo big on the back.

[C]

That was huge.

[B]

Sleeves? Yeah, sleeves. Leather. Most of it. Denim.

[A]

Sir, can we hang your duster for you?

[B]

Yeah. It would be like. I mean, I'm wearing a. Like a bomber jacket today. I guess I'd wear that. It's pretty thin enough that it would work. But I mean, like. No, if I wore like a winter jacket, particularly now, that would be insane looking.

[C]

That's what I had. It was like a winter jacket.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Fur wrists cutting into a steak.

[C]

I've got my hood up.

[B]

I'm gonna get all you in my fur. My lynx fur. I don't know. Does the place look up the place? Is there a. Is there a.

[C]

A dress code?

[B]

Dress code on the website?

[C]

There is on the way. I didn't see it on the website, but they listen. They did.

[B]

Do they hide it? Is it buried? The dress?

[A]

It's that classic dress code.

[B]

The place I went to.

[A]

No work boots.

[C]

You said yours didn't have it listed.

[B]

But it is listed. I can find the name of the place. You can look at their place. But their thing is in. The reason I want you to bring it up at all is because I'd want to show you. They have a thing too, and I didn't break it. I didn't break the code. Even in a Cypress Hill hoodie and long jean shorts.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

And bright crispy whites. That's a big thing. Come on, guys. You know that.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Some crispy whites.

[C]

This is the place I was at. They do have. I mean, Luke had found it. We've gone over this. Oh, there it is. House rules at Ruxton. Dining policy, which there's one moving to Philadelphia. Everybody's been dming me. We aim to create a memorable, unparalleled dine in experience. Please refrain from short. Please refrain from the following short or sleeveless T shirts. And tank tops for gentlemen hooded sweatshirts. Clothing that is offensive included but not limited to language graphics, exposed undergarments. So right there, I'm dead to rights.

[B]

Please retrain for you. I mean.

[C]

But who's wearing what? My thing is, jackets are required.

[B]

A short T shirt.

[C]

Like a short sleeve shirt. Short or sleeveless T shirt.

[A]

I thought they meant, like a half.

[B]

Shirt, a belly shirt, crop top, sleeveless. Gentlemen hooded sweatshirts. No clothing. That's offensive. You weren't hiding nothing there? No.

[A]

What? It says no fat chicks.

[C]

It says your seat here with an arrow to my face.

[B]

What's the shirt that Sebastian Bach wore? He goes, what? It just says AIDS kills dead. What? Dude, it's from the 90s. It's vintage. No, he wore. Remember, he wore it at the Grammys.

[A]

He did?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I mean, in Police Academy, Steve Guttenberg wore a T shirt. In the beginning, it was a half shirt that said one in the oven with an arrow pointing down. And I couldn't figure out for the wife.

[C]

He's cooking. He had a pot roast going.

[B]

His wieners, bacon. I want to remember the name of this place.

[C]

We went. We did this. And fans in Hamptons, wasn't it? Yeah, fans started leaving. Bad Yelp reviews.

[B]

Did I? Good. Good.

[C]

I've never been here, but my friend Jason came here.

[B]

I didn't. Nothing on there says you can't wear our Cypress Hill sorority with a thing. The best part was me questioning all of this while I was sitting diagonal from, like, Chris Cuomo. It was like people like that were there, and you're like, oh, ooh, la la. But I've dressed like that at any point. Cuomo.

[A]

You believe this shit, Kev? Let's talk about Brunt, baby.

[C]

Brunt Workwear.

[A]

Let's talk about the best boots you're ever gonna put on. Specifically talking about the Marin and the Omen. Fantastic boots. I like a Bozo.

[C]

Well documented. Bad boot choice.

[A]

You did bad boot choice. Discount boot place, dude. Feet are killing me crazy. I got, like, a pinched nerve in my hip.

[C]

All because of bad boots.

[B]

Bad boots.

[C]

Think about that. Bad boots ruined your week.

[A]

Bad boots are ruining my life.

[C]

So what did. What did Kippy do? Kippy got you a pair of Marin.

[A]

And I appreciate it.

[C]

He got it.

[A]

Thank you. Brunt.

[C]

Shout out to Brunt. You gotta come correct. They know what they're doing.

[A]

Yeah, I know.

[C]

Their founder, Eric Gerard, grew up blue collar. He's a blue collar guy. He created Brunt after friends in the trades told him big legacy brands. I don't want to mention any names. Stop listening. And became fashion companies. It went fashion forward.

[A]

That's brand good.

[C]

This, that, not Brunt. Brunt cares about the guy, the boots on the ground. As much as we love to friggin say it, traditional boots make you are. You're forced to choose between comfort and durability. Not with Brunt. They decided that was nonsense and built boots to give you both. They're tough as hell and comfortable. On day one, the big man will tell you it's cover right out of the box. No break in, period. That's what he did with his. I got to break him in. Not with Brunt.

[A]

Vaseline on these things. I had to fucking wear him in the rain. Sit in a bathtub and they still hurt.

[C]

Stinky move.

[A]

Should have got Brunt.

[C]

Brunt was tired of the workwear brands out there cutting corners. You work too hard to be stuck in uncomfortable boots that don't hold up. So they built something better. Boots that are insanely comfortable and built for any job site. For a limited time, our listeners get $10 off at Brunt. When you use the code garbage at checkout, just head to bruntworkwear.com use the code garbage and you're gonna be good to go. And after you order, they're gonna ask you how you heard about Brunt. Tell them the boy sent you. We love you.

[A]

Kevin's talking about Rocket Money.

[C]

Rocket Money.

[A]

Actually, you know what? You don't like saving money, do you?

[C]

I love you. Do I love Rocket Money.

[A]

Let me talk to you about Rocket Money, gang. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

A lot of people say it's not about what you make, it's what you say.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

It's not what you know, it's what you can prove. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

I can prove that these services, these monthly subscriptions are breaking my back.

[A]

Yes. So do yourself a favor. Get Rocket Money. Find a subscription that you don't want. Cancel it, start saving a little bit of cash. Got summer coming up. You want to take the broad out, get her a water ice, do whatever, get on that Rocket Money.

[C]

Yes. I recently reconsolidated all. Listen, you got a credit card, you got a debit card, you got the PayPal, you got all this stuff. This puts it all in one place. Categorizes it. Look, this is what you're spending this week, this month. This is what you got coming up. I was signed up for a lot of bozo thing. I thought I found something that was like a significant chunk of change that was going to hit us again. And I called my wife and said, the hell? I thought you canceled that. She goes, I thought I did. She didn't. Rocket Money came in, saved the day.

[A]

Nice.

[C]

How. And you saved the friggin day.

[A]

Some voodoo hair treatment you're taking from the Far East.

[C]

Let Rocket Money help you and you reach your financial goals quicker. Join RocketMoney.com garbage that's RocketMoney.com garbage do it.

[B]

I'll tell you where LA is. Pretty cool. So the LA does, they're pish posh places. They don't give a fuck what you dressed as.

[C]

New York's kind of the same though. There's no like most part to wear like shoes. Like there's no.

[A]

They think you're important with the word. The worst.

[B]

New York City. I agree. I've. You can go into any steakhouse, they don't give a fuck.

[A]

What about Carbone? Can I walk into Carbone?

[B]

However you want.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You've been.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

How the hell did you get there?

[A]

God damn.

[B]

My old. My manager at the time, Dave Kimowitz and my agent was in town. They wanted to go there and they got us. You have to go and you can go. We had a 11:45pm reservation. So that is the answer of how we went.

[C]

We're going tomorrow.

[A]

Spicy rigatoni at 9am trying to muscle it down. You guys get a coffee?

[C]

The chicken parm omelette.

[B]

Did you. I went to Carbone also as part of a bachelor party I went to once. Destination bachelor party, dude. Where a bunch of people went. That was a weird one.

[A]

Where was this? At Miami?

[C]

No, we weren't there.

[B]

You weren't there?

[C]

No, no, no.

[A]

Was it in Miami?

[B]

No.

[A]

Was it in New York?

[B]

No.

[C]

Vegas.

[B]

Vegas. Do you know the one?

[C]

I know whose party it was.

[B]

Yeah. Oh yeah. Have you heard the story before? No.

[C]

You're looking at me like a little girl. You.

[B]

You don't know the story.

[C]

It is. I don't. I know. No, I know who's.

[B]

Well, somebody else. Somebody else threw it. Obviously you know, a best man or something throws it. Because I don't think the person who like whose it was would know this at all. But every step of the way, all these people, they'll be like, hey, did you guys have fun? That was really fun. When we told everybody to come down to the pool cabanas and stuff. That Was a lot of fun, right? Well, if you guys wouldn't mind. It's $50 a person, 1200 bucks ahead, gathering around for money. Everything we did, it was so. And Carbone was one of those things. They go. Guys were sitting there. It's a prefix, deep meal. And you're like, oh, cool. All the food here is really good. They go, $250 per person. one point, me and Soda had to start covering people because I started seeing, like, you know, lower money people going like, oh, God. All I had was some spaghetti. Relax, man. Just enjoy your food. Don't worry about it.

[C]

I remember doing that on a bachelor party in Atlantic City.

[A]

I was.

[C]

I was so broke. And some of the kids there are. Some of their friends were like, you know, lawyers and stuff. And they started ordering rounds of, like, whiskey to the table. And I'm going, I'm okay. I'm okay. My argument would be, I ain't fucking falling on this.

[B]

My argument would be the guy throwing it pretty wealthy, probably covered all this.

[C]

Yeah, the guy covered it was very well, the guy, very wealthy.

[B]

It should have been no problem, man.

[C]

Yeah, you shouldn't. There shouldn't have been cash in hand at an event.

[B]

But I love that, you know? I don't know if you guys ever had a chance to watch that new Corey Feldman documentary. Corey Feldman.

[C]

That's next on the docket for me, buddy.

[B]

It should be. It's the greatest documentary ever made. It starts, though. The first access that director girl got was his wedding in Vegas to his chick that he met at the Playboy Mansion. They're separated now, but it shows. As they're sitting down at the reception, someone has to get on the microphone and goes, hey, guys. So we're asking everyone for the meal you just had. If anyone could just do between, like, 35 and $50. And he's like, corey, where should they put. He's, like, sitting at a table, and this. Corey, where should they put it? And he just does that. You know, he wants this to be done, but he didn't want to be involved at all. So he kind of goes like. He's like in the back. Yeah. He's like, I don't know. His wife's pointing at, like, a bucket right in front of her.

[A]

Wait, is this. They're getting. This is at the wedding?

[B]

Yeah. What? At the wedding? Yeah.

[C]

Ugh.

[B]

You got to pay for your dinner. Brutal.

[A]

I'd have fucking. I mean, something like that. I'm fucking leaving.

[B]

You're technically supposed to do that with.

[C]

Gifts in a Check as a gentleman and yeah. Which you have up to one year to do, by the way.

[A]

I went to a wedding one time.

[C]

In a summer bag rule.

[B]

Yeah, interesting.

[A]

I went to a wedding one time in the summer and fucking had 100 bucks in the envelope. And it was outside. Thinking it was at a place though, and it was all tense. I'm like, all right, well, they'll have the inside open to cool off nothing. Sweating my balls off, drinking Coronas. And I got all fucked up because it was hot. And I started crying in the car on the way home. I fucking took that 100 bucks back. Fuck him. Crazy.

[C]

Sounds like you needed it.

[B]

I tell you, when I went to Vecchion's wedding, did I tell her? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

The pants.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Crazy suspender pants. I didn't know that buttons. And I had to. Oh, man, I had to do my belt like I was going to do heroin in my ass.

[C]

Not sure how that even is a thing.

[B]

Well, you see, you would squeeze the middle of your body to hold the pants up. Also constricting your veins, which would make them pop, which makes it easier to. It's. It's basic junkie math, bro.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Kevin tell you're from the suburbs.

[B]

Never seen somebody tie off. Okay, well, good. I'm blessed. How blessed for you.

[A]

I don't think I've ever seen anybody tie off anybody.

[B]

Like shooting drugs. I'm trying to think about.

[C]

I mean, just as like on the street, like walking. But never like anybody I was with.

[B]

I've seen somebody loading. On the street, like loading it. But I've never seen like anyone going through.

[C]

I've seen. I've seen like the actual punk, but just, you know, you don't make eye contact.

[B]

You've seen. I've seen the asleep afterwards. Sure looks like this peaceful man.

[A]

Gang I roll with smokes it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Nice. My squad, first thing, dude, stage four cancer. I leave that doctor's office and go on the needle. Who could we get heroin? Would I go needle right away? Not if I didn't have to.

[C]

Who is your call to get heroin? I guess probably don't answer that. Yeah, okay, nevermind. That just got real serious real quick.

[B]

See if Artie Lang's number still works. I guess I go, I know you're off the shit. Thank God. But who's your guy?

[C]

You still got your beeper?

[A]

I'm outside of your apartment.

[B]

Yeah, that'd be the first one I try. And I just.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah, I'd sit there with a guitar that I've never Learned how to play in my life. Turn into John Fanty real quick, try.

[A]

To get some hits out a legal.

[B]

Pad, a nice pen maybe I got from like the nice section at Office Max.

[A]

Here's what's called cancer.

[C]

That might have been the tragiest thing you've said in 15 episodes. The nice section of Office Max.

[B]

Nice pen section, you know what I mean?

[C]

Not even going to Staples.

[B]

They got a couple. They've got a couple of hundo 50s in there.

[A]

I'm at Office Depot not using some hotel pen to write my opus.

[B]

Yeah, sit there and I'll go, all right, let's see if we can learn the guitar. Stage four cancer, they said. I got three months. Let's go, dude, where's my stairway? Where's my stairway to heaven?

[C]

That's so funny. That's funny.

[B]

I feel anytime someone tells me like they didn't got off heroin, I was like, do you write any good tunes? And they're always like, no. It was like, you know, there's also.

[C]

Like seven guys who've done heroin and wrote good music.

[B]

But I believe that's all. I only sort of see the good it could do.

[A]

Clapton, man, he cranked out a bunch of hits where he was all jacked.

[B]

Up on H. Any thing I would try to do like drugs that I would justify drugs was for like the own self thing of it. I'm like, oh, I want to do heroin to write a song.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

People like, I want to do coke because you'll lose a bunch of weight. And they go, well, that's not always the case like some people do because they go all in on coke. And I was like, oh, yeah, you.

[A]

Really got to apply yourself.

[B]

Yeah, I wanted to coke. It was funny if I would have been more of a scientist when. When people would say, you should do coke to lose weight, I was like, no. I mean, I wanted to just make me not hungry at all if I would have thought to make Ozempic. That's the basic idea I was saying there.

[C]

Yeah, I remember I had a kid. It was. We were like 10. A fat kid. He's smoking cigs at 10.

[B]

Nice shit. You seen his dad hit his mom?

[C]

And we were. I remember being like, dude, why are you smoking? Like, I just started smoking shortly after. So like, I was just more like cure. I'm like, you smoke cigarettes? He's like, yeah, I do it to stay thin. I'm like, I don't think that's how.

[A]

That's something some fat mom told.

[B]

That's exactly that's an adult here. An adult?

[C]

Yeah. I'm like, I don't think. I think it's like when you quit Sigs, you get fake. It's not preventing Johnson.

[A]

You're like £300.

[C]

It's also then like, hey, pick up and start doing two packs a day. I don't know.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. You gotta crank it up, turn it up a notch, man.

[A]

The things fat chicks did in the 80s to stay.

[C]

You would know, huh? Yeah.

[A]

I was on a slim fast for a while. Sure. What of it?

[B]

I did it for three weeks in a challenge with Ari Shafir, SlimFast. Yeah. We saw who would lose more weight on SlimFast.

[A]

I used to love him. He used to love them.

[C]

I used to drink them as like, I didn't know. It was like a meal. I was drinking them like they were like diet Coke.

[B]

These are fat kid mistakes for me. My great grandmother, when she would come to the house, they had for her, when she come to my grandmother's house, she would come, they had ensures for her, which are, I think, to make old people stay alive with calories.

[C]

They are. Yeah.

[B]

And I was like, this milkshake in a can. It's like, you're your great grandmother needs this. This is her life's blood. I'm like, it's so chocolatey.

[C]

At four chocolate milks a day, this sucks.

[A]

Hits off her oxygen tank, dude.

[C]

I had. I had an older gentleman in our family pass away, left us like a satch, like a cash of insure. Like he had like five months supply. That's all he was on. I don't think I've ever actually had.

[B]

I think they are. And they're high calorie, like chocolate or vanilla drinks.

[C]

Yeah, it's like a. It's a. Yeah, it's like a meal replacement with like all the Ribio Flavin you need. And these alcoholics, like these from this other side of the family came and they saw the insurer and that's what they eat. Because they're alcoholic. They don't really eat, they just drink. Insurers. They were like, who's clean? Like everybody ransacked the house to be like, I want the china, I want the tv. And they're like, they go walking out with a powder.

[B]

We all have gerd and fucking heartburn all the time.

[C]

One of the things we've been doing on the show is asking. There's things as, you know, a dirt bag your whole life. You know, new homeowner, new homeowner. Got a couple of bucks on you doing okay? What are some things? It doesn't have to be expensive, right? Just what are some little things you either do around the house, on the car when you're traveling that make you feel rich? You know what I mean? Examples are like somebody has like the soft closing drawers in their kitchen where they're like. Every time they do that.

[A]

Heated towel rack.

[C]

Heated towel rack. Somebody had little individual salt and pepper shakers for everybody at the table.

[B]

The bidet kinda bidet in all bathrooms.

[C]

We're all bathrooms.

[B]

We've really ruined that septic tank though, huh? I have a septic tank. So you can't use wipes.

[A]

Really?

[B]

If I could use wipes, I don't know if I would even have gotten a bidet ever. But now that I have one, I do like it.

[A]

Yeah, Americans.

[C]

Did you go like the crazy Japanese one?

[B]

I got a nice one. Yeah, they're good. They're just the top, like the seat tops that do it. But I mean, like, they work and they really. I was so against. It's like every. Even with wipes at one point. Why people like, do you have to use wipes? I'm like, you're crazy.

[C]

I did the same thing.

[B]

I'm going to smear it all around my ass. Then I became almost exclusively wipes. Never look back. And then people kept saying bidets ago. I don't understand it. I don't understand how it's going to do the thing just squirting water on your. And then you get it and you go, there it is, idiot.

[A]

How am I gonna drink that?

[B]

The things I do though in there, it's like. I mean, I'd assume pretty soon the asshole control that I have can make a real mint on Onlyfans or something. Because while I sit there sometimes now what I use it for is. And you guys have done the. What are the tri. Zepatides or the.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

GLP1s.

[A]

Yeah, I'm on zepbound right now.

[C]

Me too.

[B]

So when those things like. And you. Sometimes you feel like you have to go, you're not going enough. Sometimes it blocks you up.

[A]

It's up and down. Sometimes it gives you diarrhea.

[C]

It's bad news.

[B]

But the bidet I will often now use. Oh. What I've learned with my asshole control is to bloom for it.

[C]

You can flower out.

[B]

I flower, I bloom.

[A]

You present, you show the sweet cock.

[B]

And then with a series of blooms. And I'm doing it right now, actually as a series of those. It's almost like sucking a little Water up there sometimes it'll get the fucking pipes going.

[C]

Oh, loosen it up.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Like a little.

[B]

You get rid all the possible. It's still in there. Sure. It's nice.

[A]

You could use poppers for that too.

[B]

Oh, or a grown man's wiener. Yeah, he goes nothing. A little spit and two. Your fingers couldn't handle.

[A]

Taking a with a jock strap on. So do you have anything other than that?

[C]

Other than the bidet?

[A]

Got any marble in the house?

[B]

I don't think so. The countertops are like nice, but I don't know if they're marble.

[A]

What's your cutting board situation?

[C]

Any appliance where you're like this coffee maker, this blender.

[A]

I'm trying to think.

[B]

I'm trying to. I have a tv.

[C]

Yours would probably be like an actual.

[B]

TV in every room is pretty.

[C]

My industrial size, ash, smoke eater.

[B]

TV in every room. What do you mean every room? Every room. The last one I thought about.

[A]

Living room.

[B]

Living room yet.

[C]

Well, that's not the craziest room.

[B]

They're starting from the obvious.

[A]

Yeah, duh.

[B]

Work backwards.

[A]

Living room, kitchen.

[B]

Yeah, really? Well, kitchen, dining room, open floor plan.

[C]

Very nice.

[B]

Huge though. Big tv, no bathrooms. Now bathrooms. I watch computer or phone.

[C]

Do you have dimmer switches in the bathroom?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Wait, you bring your laptop into the bathroom and put it on your knees?

[B]

Or I hold it like I'm reading poetry to a loved one.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah, I hold it out and you watch your shows. It's what I go with. Your bloom dance? Yeah, when I'm not blooming. Sure. When I'm not accepting that water inside of me, that's when I go and do my daily run through of Worldstar hip hop.

[C]

You're still doing Worldstar?

[B]

The nip slip into the nip slip. This is my trail every day.

[C]

What's the nip slip?

[A]

What's the nip slip? Who do you got? MrSkin.com.

[B]

Oh, the nip slip's fantastic. It links with Mr. Skin. Yeah, go to the Nip Slip.

[C]

Let him see. Is that Spotify though?

[B]

No, it is YouTube. No, no, no, it's thenipslip.com.

[C]

Oh, my apologies.

[B]

And it's your daily dose of like, who was almost or was naked this week in Celebrity World.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

It's great. There you go. It's a thing. The girl.

[C]

Sure. Wardrobe malfunction and mishaps collection.

[B]

There you go. I. But there you go. Tove Lo did a little thing with her tits. Amelia Gray Hamlin, whoever that is.

[C]

You like Melanie Griffith? Tits and ass. That much that you go to this.

[B]

Look at Melanie Griffith. Well, I just.

[C]

It was more of a respect, not a judgment.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This isn't. It's not a jerk situation.

[C]

Sure. Yeah.

[B]

It's just like. Well, again, with all the broadcasting I do, and also the radio show. It really is funny how different, like, radio is of a podcast.

[A]

All the broadcasting, you gotta be up on the news.

[C]

Fucking Larry King over here.

[B]

Not the news, but that is a real. Like, it's daily, so it's like they really follow your week with you.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

So it's like if there's a thing. It's like, you know, at some point in the conversation when you go, hey, did you see Charlie XCX flashed her underwear? The thing yesterday? And then, you know, let Bobby take a peek at it. And then we talk about famous underwear flashes or something. I just stay up on what's going on. I've never seen Game of Thrones, but I've seen every pussy on it, I'll give you that. Yeah. That's all it is. I don't have to watch Game of Thrones. The nip slip will just show me.

[A]

Sit through the dragon shit. What are we doing?

[C]

Enough with the little people, huh?

[B]

I'll tell you what sucks, though, is the laptop. I've had forever this little. About this size. It's just shit in the bed and so many viruses and stuff. Dirty little girl, huh? But now I. If I look up porn on Bing, which is sometimes the best search for your pornography.

[C]

Are you trying new sites?

[A]

Don't you just go to pornhub?

[B]

No.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because you can go to these sites. You can go to these sites that will show you whatever it is you want to watch. They'll show you what they have of that on Pornhub, on XHamster, on X videos, whatever. One's your favorite, and it shows you all of them. Bing's one of the things that does that. So if you go to Bing and you type in, I don't know, big Blackhawk Gang bang, let's say you type in B on my computer, that's filling in purple before you even have to type anything else. Now, homemade, I might throw in there, too. Then on Bing, it'll get out of here, Luke. On Bing, it'll show you. Well for. You have to turn Safe Search off. That's a big deal.

[C]

Where's Safe Search?

[B]

Well, you have to look it up first. You have to look it up first.

[A]

I sign in for this.

[B]

You have to sign in at all. Get that off.

[C]

Safe Search Off. Put on the big J filter.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Welcome back, Jason.

[B]

Now BBC Gang bang. Now, if you do that, it'll show you a videos that are from the most watched videos from pornhub that are that from all the sites.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's a compiling, all right. Situation. Oh, wait. You have to go to videos, though. Click the videos up top. This is your first time.

[A]

Don't be upset with your real long poop you're taking.

[B]

And then you over safe search over there. Yeah. Turn that off. There you go. Look. Spank Bang. TX x hamster porn 1. Spank Bang, which is a nice one.

[A]

That's how you get demonetized.

[B]

Well, you do. You blur this.

[C]

I don't.

[A]

You kids out there watching.

[B]

This is my show. I'm gonna make a production call.

[C]

You guys seem to play it a little up the middle here.

[A]

Couple of squares.

[B]

I know where I'm at.

[C]

I know how to read a room.

[A]

You're on the Today show doing this to Michael Strahan. He's freaking out. Kimber's talking about that Warby Parker. Warby Parker talking about style. We're talking about color.

[C]

Class. About class.

[A]

We're talking about prescription or just sunglasses. You want to go over to whereby Parker. It's got that nice damn worby Parker. That's where cool people get their sunglasses.

[C]

Sure. Here's my thing.

[A]

Go ahead.

[C]

A lot of bozos out there, ourselves included.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Don't know a lot about a lot. Ain't got a lot of scratch. Ain't got a lot of listen, we're not buying the Christian Dior to this. Da da.

[A]

Get out of here.

[C]

Warby Parker laces you up real nice for not and without breaking the bank.

[A]

Yeah, that's how they do it.

[C]

Listen, a little bit, just a little bit of detail, a little bit of this, a little bit of that. Something where you go like that, Looking good, looking fresh.

[A]

You go over to that Lake Como over there in Italy.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

With George Clooney. You got a pair of Warby Parker's on. You're gonna blend right in.

[C]

Yes. Warby Parker has distributed over 20 million pairs of glasses to people in need through its buy a pair, give a pair program. Not only they're great, they're giving back, baby. Warby Parker doesn't just offer incredible prescription glasses. They have everything you need for happier eyes. That includes contacts online, online eye exam, sunglasses. It's all in one place, which makes everything super easy. They also have over 300 retail stores across the US pop in, say, what's up Telling a boy sent you.

[B]

Of course.

[C]

Right now Warby Parker gives you quality and better looking prescription eyewear at a fraction of the going price fraction. Our listeners get 15% plus free ship, 15% off plus free shipping when they buy two or more pairs of prescription [e-mail] garbage. That's 15% off when you buy two pair of glasses at Warby W A r b y parker.com garbage after your purchase are gonna ask you how you heard about the show. Tell them the boys.

[A]

Tell them the boys.

[C]

Maybe not the boys are garbage.

[A]

Yeah, garbage, Ken. But let's talk about chubbies, baby.

[C]

Chubby. Chubby. I got a Chubby. Woo.

[A]

I got a Chubby over Chubbies. I know spring summer's coming and I'm down a couple of pounds. I'm back in my chubbies. I got a swimsuit sitting in there that's gonna knock the boys out looking.

[C]

Like two pressed hams walking down a high dive. Look at you now.

[A]

You know who loves the Chubbies? And a kid. The kids love the chubby.

[C]

My wife.

[A]

Huh?

[C]

Everybody loves the Chubby.

[A]

Yeah. My cousins in college. Everybody's on chubbies.

[C]

Here's the thing. There's a perfect cut the fabric, there's something to it where like I'm a bow. I've always been a bozo with bathing suits. I got, you know, I try, I order this, I do that. Or I just use basketball shorts. I look like an idiot. Chubby's was nice enough, sent us a nice care package. You put them on and you go, I look like I belong at a swim up bar with a Mai Tai.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

I look like I should be doing a cannonball off a dock in a lake with some hot chicks. That's what it is.

[A]

You got a pair of Chubbies on. You don't mind walking to the beach with the shirt off and just a.

[C]

Towel over you, working on your collar even though you're a big. Even though you're a thicker guy. Sure, for a limited time. Right now, Chubby's is giving our listeners 20% off. Hold. Holy heck. With the code [e-mail] that's 20% off your order with the code Garbage. Give your thighs the VIP treatment they deserve with Chubby. Support our show and tell them the boys sent ya.

[B]

But yeah, my thing is it's Worldstar Nip Slip. Then I type in the words Eagles News. Then I do Sixers News. Read the headlines back to Nip Slip. Oh no. All while this is going on by.

[C]

The Way all the tabs running on this, are they new tabs? Do you.

[B]

I think, you know, that's one at a time on these. Here's what I'll say.

[A]

He's red zone in it.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So, guys, old school, baby.

[B]

On my phone. On my phone, I go to YouTube and look up like when I was. Go to my home page and it'll be like, you know, the Eagles just did what? Or something. And then I.

[C]

On YouTube.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I watched the Philly Talk podcast, Thomas Mott show, and the Philly Special Show. I think those last two I mentioned are in cahoots with the team.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

The other one's just a guy.

[C]

They got inside access.

[B]

The other one's just a guy. Or run it back. Philly is the guy I watch for Sixer stuff, and I just turn that on and I put it on the ledge next to me while I'm taking a dump.

[C]

And then I feel like a guy who just found out about computers. Seven of them go.

[B]

I listen to that and I go, world star hip hop, the nip slip, Eagles news, Sixers news. Then we start jumping. Basically, I throw out feelers now to go, am I going to jerk off? So I've been there. I go to the E. Fox.

[C]

Let's see if I can get the juices.

[A]

You don't walk on the lot unless you're looking to buy. Come on.

[B]

No. Here's how you find out. You got to go to the sites where the porn isn't necessarily for jerking off you're looking for. Like, that doesn't exist. Like what? Well, E. Fuck dot com. That's what I said. That's what I gonna talk. Yeah, look, it's just like, hey, look, look. The. It'll be exactly like a compilation of girls, you know, doing weird things.

[C]

And you're gonna. This is your appetizer, your charcuterie board.

[A]

Well, you go see if you're really in the.

[B]

Is this what I'm in? The doing do I want to do I want to slap it? And then if I am, is that.

[A]

Being done right there?

[B]

I will. Huh.

[A]

Zappy. Is that all that business being done.

[B]

Right there on this where my assholes clean?

[C]

What. What time of day is this? First thing. Or like, you get up, you have a cup of coffee, you're doing some scrambled eggs?

[B]

No. Scrambled eggs, Really? I like to jerk on an empty stomach. I. I'll cramp up.

[A]

I don't want to pull a hammy.

[B]

It's not even that. It doesn't go to jerking off. Very, very often. Honestly, as I get older, which is kind of funny. But, like, I would. But even without jerking off, every day, I make it at least to E. Fucked. And then if E. Fuck tells me, like, oh, no, it's moving. You're ready. You got a couple minutes here and you can knock it out. I'll then jump over to Lobster Tube, which is because, Bing, the videos don't show up on my fucking funky computer.

[C]

Crabtrap.net is so I go to Lobster.

[B]

Well, before you have Kevin, before you have your little. I know we're doing a comedy show here.

[A]

Couple cheesesteak reviews. There's a place in Del Mar.

[B]

We're here for you. I know you guys are a couple of comedy guys, but Lobster two does the same thing Bing does.

[C]

It's like a. Jesus Christ.

[A]

The fuck, Luke.

[B]

So now, how are you doing, Luke? If you go in there and type in BBC gangbang, we can show the same ideas we did before. This is called a control experiment. No, that's not how you spell gang bang, Luke. And I think you know that, by the way. They're very fickle here.

[C]

That didn't come back. There was a V instead of an A. And that didn't look one letter off.

[B]

Nothing. Want the right letter. 158,047 videos available and you can separate them by. And hear this.

[A]

Talk about popularity.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

Date added.

[C]

Hot. Can you do, like, trendy?

[B]

Highest rating? Yeah, it's pretty impressive.

[C]

VR. Yeah.

[A]

Wait. AI gets a hold of this.

[C]

Where's Christine at all this?

[A]

Holding the other phone. Holding my iPad up.

[B]

I don't know, milling around.

[A]

You're like that guy she's pointing at me and laughing.

[B]

What I need her to do, she's doing what I need.

[A]

The guy that runs JP Morgan, whatever, he runs through the list of, like, all the newspapers that he reads and shit every morning. That's right.

[C]

Well, more I go to Ebomb's World for a taste of the old country, for the times it once were.

[A]

Iraq War sniper videos.

[B]

Well, before I'm. More. Before I'm likely to talk about Iraq war sniper videos, I'm more likely to talk about Tove Lo showing her nips at the Grammys.

[A]

Apache kills. Afghanistan.

[B]

Yeah. You know we have those on. Legion of Skanks. Me and Lewis have had over the years. Several now, like bets we've done or contests we've done where the loser has to take the barrel of a gun up their ass.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I've heard that came to the show in the form of a Video I saw of two. What you find out is gay guys on E fucked. There was a video and it was like, you know, whatever. They gave a really funny headline of like, this is why you don't play in the hood or whatever. And it's two thuggy black dudes talking shit to each other in a room. And then it just cuts to them having full blown gay sex and one of them fucking the other one's asshole with a gun. And we were like, oh, God. And then for. Somehow that just became our thing. If we lose bets.

[C]

Oh, God, that looks so fun. That's crazy.

[B]

No, it's not fun at all. No, it's like. It's so bad for the loser. No, Kevin, you don't understand. It's bad as you're blooming.

[C]

You got your onion going.

[B]

Well, luckily for me, I have a very accepting asshole. We found that out there in Jersey. Desert Eagle. Went right in. It took getting out of. Yeah, I don't even need. You can come with a blunt force trauma. Dude, you can lay a heavy barrel on me. Even a silencer. I'd prefer a Luger. Something with like a thin front. But I mean European made uncut, Uncut. Absolutely. I want as much give as possible now that I know how to bloom. But I'd have to save my asshole because of those bidets is. I mean, clean up to a good foot and a half into my colon.

[A]

So you get into the bathroom, what? Two o', clock, you're out by nine.

[C]

This all started. What makes you feel rich that multiple screens.

[B]

Oh, while I'm doing that, the heat is hitting my feet and that's.

[C]

What do you mean? You got a heated iPad?

[B]

I have like a big tub that I haven't gotten in yet, but I thought I would get in it a lot more. That makes me feel like a thing.

[C]

Are you a tub guy? I'm a tub guy.

[B]

I would be. I got a hot tub outside. There was a pool.

[A]

He's got to be careful. He's got all those electronics on him.

[B]

Yeah, the pool's a big. Oh, I've made it so the outside TV can be seen by the hot tub.

[A]

That's nice.

[B]

That's a good one. I've done that once or twice where it's like you're like. That makes you feel pretty.

[C]

Would you ever put a dope. That's. I mean, for somebody from your time, like your time and as trash as you are. That is the height of luxury.

[B]

Oh yeah. 100. Yeah, exactly. Watching TV outside of your house In a hot can, you hear? Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Well, I grab a Sono speaker, throw it behind.

[C]

Gotcha. I knew there was some. Those jets get cooking.

[B]

I'm Bluetooth. Yeah, you can't hear it close.

[A]

Would you ever pop on a naughty video while you're in the. In the hot tub?

[B]

No.

[A]

On that big screen, can neighbors see the tv?

[B]

No, no, no. I mean. I mean, I'd whack off in the hot tub before I dreamed. You know what? I wouldn't wag off in my own hot tub. Yeah. I'm in my mind. I'll still be like, I don't my jizz just living in there either. I don't want anybody fucking my hot tub. In fact, hot tub's off limits now.

[A]

Hey, guys hear that out there for.

[B]

The season, you know, no one. Hot tubs.

[A]

Is it open right now? Like, is it going right now? If we went out, could we hop in?

[C]

Nice.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Take a trip to the bathroom first.

[B]

Take the.

[A]

Yeah, take that bidet first.

[B]

Take that bidet first. But yeah, jerk off and take a. Clean your asshole before you get in. Be right there. It's the rules. I need you to purge all of your fluids before you get in my hot tub.

[A]

Man. Well, we were looking for, like, automatic.

[C]

Pepper grinder or you're like, using the valet.

[A]

A mortar and pestle, something like that. A kitchenaid.

[B]

Parking at the. Parking at the airport. Like driving the airport and parking seems like a thing where I'm like, whoa, who I think I am. Really? Yeah.

[A]

Short term parking.

[C]

Yep. 30 bucks a day.

[B]

Yeah. In my mind, I was like, this is crazy. I was parked. My car is at the airport. That's nuts.

[C]

That's.

[B]

You take cabs of the airport.

[A]

I feel rich when this has only happened a couple of times. You check into a hotel, you give them your bags when you pull in, and then it's waiting for you up in the room.

[C]

Yeah. Oh, I can stay at a nicer joint.

[B]

I've never done that before. I think they offer that to me, but in my mind I'm always like, they're not gonna bring it fast enough.

[A]

It goes through my shit.

[B]

My worry is like, I'm gonna go upstairs and forget that's happening and smoke a joint in my room. And then I will be right. Yeah, I got. I got. I told this on bonfire, but I got a trash story. Dude. 48 years old being removed from a hotel for fucking smoking weed is pretty hilarious. That happened to me a couple weeks ago. And I mean, walking up it Was a snowy, shitty weekend in. Where the fuck was it? Was it Raleigh? I can't remember where it was.

[A]

I remember you telling us. Well, I feel like I've heard this.

[C]

I've heard this.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, like just happened. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Maybe I saw a clip of it. Is that possible?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I probably talked about it. Yeah, yeah, that's what you saw a clip of it? I talked to you.

[A]

You were very complimentary.

[B]

You were like, oh, yeah, it was so nice. And the lady was like. I mean, she treated me like a criminal.

[C]

That you are.

[A]

Guy smoking weed in the hose for sure.

[B]

But I mean, for me, being like. I didn't even argue. I'm saying, even when I'm going, like, I was like, okay, I understand. I gotta go. And she's like, that's right. Like that kind of energy. And you're like, no, I got. I got you. Like, why are you still yelling at me? It was so. I was like, was this your childhood bedroom or something? Like, why would you be.

[C]

So what kind of hotel was it?

[A]

Like a fucking Hyatt house or something?

[B]

Yeah, Hilton. Nothing big. The staff couldn't understand. They were like, I don't know why she's this irate about it. What about your ex boyfriend or something? She's furious. And then when I came back in, that was the funniest part. So I was like, I got to the other hotel across the street, but still snowy as shit. Milwaukee is where it was freezing. Snowy as hell. Snowy as shit. Uphill across a highway with my bags and everything. It's already kind of humiliating and silly feeling. I check into the room real quick. No bra. Was like, fuck, I forgot my hat in the other room. The one thing I forgot in the other room. And I walked back to that hotel. And when I went through the first set of, you know, it's like two sliding glass doors. When I got to the first, another lady who I'd never seen before is now talking to this other lady. The only time I've seen this lady all weekend. Always friendly with the staff. Everything's great. This lady I haven't seen, she's there. And another new lady. And the newer lady looks at her. I see her mouth the word. She goes, oh, my God, he's back. And the second door's open. And I go. And I'm already laughing. I go, did you just mouth, oh, my God, I just left my hat in my room. I couldn't have been more pleasant about this. Every single step of the way. And they're almost like, are you gonna.

[C]

Lock yourself in the office?

[B]

They're like, if you attack us, we will have to call the police or get security to escort you out. I go, no, no, I'm leaving. I get it. Yes. You got me. I was smoking in the room. It is what it is. Now I'm gonna go. It's fine. Everybody else, like, is there any way. I go, I'm only here one more night at the club across the street. Is there any way I could just, like, would I pay the fine Tickets? I was like, a couple. I'll pay the fine, or whatever the thing is. And just. No, you broke the policy. And I'm like, all right. You seem way too angry about this.

[C]

What was the time of that? Where did they get you? At the desk, like, when you were coming back or they knocked on the door.

[B]

Like, how did they knock on the door?

[C]

They knocked on the door and I.

[B]

Looked at the peep. This is one of those peepholes where I know she heard it go, shit.

[A]

That's not a hookup.

[B]

No, the best part was I go, yes. And she goes through the door. Yeah.

[A]

She goes, you're have to kill me.

[B]

She goes, hotel manager. And I go, oh, yeah, okay. One second. I just open the door and I see her go, sir. You got like. She starts doing over. Doing the thing. It's coming through people's walls, and they're saying this, that. And I was like, oh, oh. And I started doing, like, the. It is funny when they cut you off. That is when you do feel like a child. I go, no, I mean, I smoke, but I mean, like, I. Maybe they smell it on my clothes because I smoke outside. And she's like, really? There's, like, smoke.

[C]

I'm billowing out.

[B]

Yeah. And I was like, ah, yay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right. And then she goes. I go, all right, well, let me, like, get. You know, I was wearing, like, basketball shirt. Let me put on some of my clothes and, like, come down to the front.

[A]

A little more comfortable.

[B]

Yeah. I went down to the front desk, and she was just like, still. She's like, you need to get the hell out of here. And she was, like, so angry.

[C]

So how much time did you have to. So the conversation happened there. Then you went down. Conversation at the desk, conversation there.

[B]

She was like, absolutely not. And I was like, all right. I go, all right, I'll be out. Give me, like, 10 minutes. I said, every step of the way, though. I couldn't have been more like, yeah, okay.

[A]

I got bing juicing upstairs.

[B]

Hang On I've said before, I'm like, ah, it's kind of embarrassing. How dumb do I look, you know, being all that? And she just kind of like, yeah, yeah, you are like, why are you so angry? I never quite understood that.

[C]

That's insane, dude.

[B]

It's like you're too ugly to be a Hilton sister.

[A]

You could use a puff on this lady. Yeah, she'll acts a little bit, but.

[B]

That coming back in. I was like, you look like I already left and caused a problem. I couldn't.

[A]

You.

[B]

Oh my God, he's back. He's come back for revenge.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm like, I just my hats up. I said, one of you guys can go get it. It's on the bed. If only you guys can get one. She goes, no, someone will escort you up. I'm like, okay, that's fine. And then the guy who escorted me up was one of. One of the guys was like, damn, dude, we enjoyed having you guys here. I'm sorry, man. I don't know. She's making an example out of you for some reason. I was like, yeah, right.

[A]

His bitch tripping, man.

[B]

I don't know what the. He really was like, yeah, awkward driving the thing. I'm like, like, hey. He's like, hey. So that was weird, huh? He's in that. She doesn't usually get like that.

[C]

It's also like a. It's like a two floor elevator.

[B]

Three, I think. Three. I was on the third.

[A]

You got any more of that weed on you, big man?

[C]

Now did it get back to the club at all? Because typically. Or did they.

[B]

But you know, I told them I got there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What the.

[C]

Do they care?

[B]

You catch a young manager too? As a young manager, I think it's a fan. So you get those guys that are like, no matter what you say, he's like, like, he's like, yo, awesome, dude. You're like, well, no, I was kind of embarrassed.

[C]

I'm a grown man.

[B]

Kind of embarrassing. I had to go to another hotel. That's not as good as a room. I might get snowed in here. It's like, you know, snow is coming. I go, no, it's bad.

[C]

Rock and roll, dude.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, tell it for my story, you know, tell my legacy is I played. I played by my own set of rules. Didn't take no from anybody.

[A]

But he's telling the story. Twenty years ago he was in basketball shorts, man.

[B]

I think I've done that though. I think with my Dave Attel, like the first weekend where they stuck out smoking rooms in hotels when I was with him. And he was like, you know, I always tell the story. They're like, all right, well, I'll just pay the fine then, because we. We're gonna smoke. And he goes, sir, you can't pay the fine and just smoke. It's not how it works. You're not supposed to smoke. And he goes, well, we're gonna smoke. And I've told the story for so long that when you hear something like that, I just said, I'm like, I wonder if it wasn't that, like. Cause I always tell. It was such. It's like the myth of David. Tell him, like, he didn't give a fuck, dude. He was like, I'll pay for it and do it. I go, that might not have been exactly how to. But I don't know. Something like that.

[C]

Maybe I wasn't there.

[A]

I'm not sure.

[C]

Maybe he was using Becky on that weekend.

[B]

Yeah. You know what the other thing is? I think it's somebody else's story.

[C]

Okay. Wow. I mean, sure. That's. That's wild, dude. That's, like, my biggest fear. That's why I don't, like. I don't like getting caught. Well, has that changed your behavior of smoking weed in another hotel room?

[A]

I would have freaked out.

[B]

No, Absolutely no. But it's made me more nervous about it.

[A]

Do you smoke weed in the hotel you got into?

[B]

Yeah. Immediately calm down.

[C]

Yeah, I'm all worked up.

[B]

No, that weekend I did. This is actually really funny, too. I think I told this, but, like, I. When I got into the second room, I was like, at nighttime, at night times, you never really have to worry too much. Never. The complaint comes from nighttime. It's during the day. That's where I fuck up. So, like. But this was still during the day. And I was like, I just got kicked. I had to move. I was like, I want to smoke, watch something, chill out to the shows. So. And it's freezing out, so I'm like, all right, I'm gonna smoke. But I went in the bathroom, I took the roll, toilet paper roll and stuff. What do you have, though? I don't have dryer sheets, so stuffing my baby wipes chemically. Baby wipes in there and some toilet paper. And I sat there watching YouTube, laying on my belly of a hotel photo like this, blowing. I'm sorry, but I'm, like, blowing through this fucking thing. It's doing nothing, I'm sure.

[C]

Not at all.

[B]

And then I'm trying to hold the joint like this.

[C]

It's an exhaust.

[B]

While I'm watching. Yeah, like, watch. There you go.

[C]

This is so cool.

[B]

It's ridiculous to do it, but. Yeah. No, I haven't stopped since.

[A]

Wait, was the toilet paper roll full?

[B]

No, but it wasn't empty. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're holding it like this. Yeah.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

But it wasn't just missed a roll. It was like some toilet paper. I was ridiculous.

[C]

Well, is there any way you'll smoke cigs that you like? I mean, I'm a big. If I'm drinking at any sort of stadium, I'm smoking in that stadium. I'm not, like, at the seats, but, like, I'm walking to find where the other people are.

[B]

Illegal. I know where you can smoke. Yeah, it's illegal, but they don't give a shit.

[C]

Like, the places where you're like, hey, I've. We're outside. I'm making an attempt. I'm in this corner.

[B]

They kind of. Yeah, they do it on the. The ramps of the link.

[C]

The ramp. You get to it.

[B]

Yeah, one of the corners of the ramps. You can go there. Concerts at a stadium, especially if you're on the floor.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I wouldn't even if a security guy came over and he's like, I'm sorry, you can't smoke. I was. Buddy, you'd have to.

[C]

Please. What, are you working at Hampton Inn? I'll get my shit.

[A]

I know your sister.

[B]

Yeah, I met your fucking sister, Buddy.

[A]

Really? Nowadays, you. So you go to a concert at the. At the Garden?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're smoking a cigarette on the floor?

[B]

Yes. Not in seats. Not in the seats.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Seats is a little.

[B]

Never in the seat. It's just. It's fucked. It is fucked up the people around you. But I remember going to places like when I was seeing Nine Inch Nails. We were standing on the floor and someone came up to me, and they were like, someone. You know, someone with, like, a guy with mascara on. He was like, cigarettes. Like, it would have been okay if it was Weeb. He's like, cigarettes? Really? And I was like, fuck off. Beat it. Are you kidding? Might as well be outside, you idiot. Move three people over, I promise you, you won't be near it anymore. It's like, come on, get fuck out of here. No, but I. Try it. But I wouldn't do it. Play. I've never, like, smoked in a. I've never took a few puffs in a bathroom of a airplane. I've never fucking. I've never tried to vape on an airplane.

[C]

Where were we?

[B]

Never like that. I'm really not like, an overall.

[C]

Puffs doesn't do it for.

[B]

I'm not an overall rule. The weed in the room. Hotel room. I just believe I could pull off the way I do it. And I generally have done it countless times and been. I only have stories from, like, three ever. You know what I mean? Where I was, and they're not even that exciting. The other two stories are mostly like, hey, you can't smoke, and we're charging you now. Like, okay. That's why when I went down the lady, my thing there was almost like, you're kicking me out. Actually, it's like you're almost like. You almost want to be like, I've run into this before. And, like, he's like, you just kind of gagged me for another, like, 300 bucks or whatever. And they're like, no, you broke policy and you have to go. It seems like a lot, but all right, I guess I'll go.

[C]

The one time I did it at. I think we're at the Syracuse Funny bone because, like, you can't. That show that green rooms all the way, like, by the stage. And you can't really sneak out.

[B]

Mm.

[C]

During the show.

[B]

Oh, you can go to Syracuse. You can go over to fucking heroin. Heroin steps.

[C]

They stop that.

[B]

Really.

[C]

I mean, they do heroin on those.

[B]

Steps, but you can't.

[A]

I hate.

[C]

I love that split. The empty stairwell. Yeah, that was great.

[A]

But it's inside that bugs me.

[B]

But it has.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

There was baggies all over there. It was like a junkie town up there.

[C]

That was a good one. I like that. But then they were like, you can't smoke back there. We got caught with something. So I'm like, okay, like, you can smoke in the bathroom. I started smoking in the. They're like, David Tell smoked in the bathroom. You can do it too. And I'm like, yeah, David tells and give a fuck. According to.

[B]

He's the trailblaze. No, he really is. They always go. I always go. It's like, can I smoke in. Supposedly, it's really tiny green rooms. I really don't want to smoke in too much because you're just gonna be all over you and shit. But, like, they make some of those big ones and most of the improvs, God bless them for, like. Mostly for cigar people, though, but, like, they make the filter system, so it's like. It actually doesn't smell bad, but I.

[C]

Started smoking in the bathroom. Like, I need one. And there was a smoke Alarm in there. And I started panicking. And, dude, I took, like, four drags. I'm like, I'm gonna ruin the show. This is gonna go off. They're gonna do the whole. Mole's gonna have to evacuate. And, dude, I was like, put it out. I was like, I'm sorry, guys.

[A]

I'm sorry. It's new material.

[B]

I've never eaten shit for it, but there's been many. I've not. I'll take the fire. If the fire alarms in a place where I can really reach it, I'll take it off, man. And then. But if you can't take it off, I do panic about, like, where I'm blowing the thing either way. And I've only seen it once in Philly at that sinesta they put you up at for helium down there.

[A]

Sinesta?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. It's, like, around. Yeah, it's like, on.

[C]

We always just take a vibe. We never stay there and stay at my parents or whatever.

[B]

Yeah, but the place put you up a couple blocks away.

[A]

Oh, I know what you're talking about.

[B]

And it's right on Market.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

18Th Market. And then that hotel one time, right across from one of the guys we were with. And down the hall from me, a fucking guy. I don't know what he was doing in his room, but it finally, like, happened. Like, the thing happened. It set off the sprinklers, but not on the whole floor, really, his room. But I mean, dousing it.

[C]

It dumps like it's 55,000 gallons in a second.

[B]

It's insane.

[C]

It's brown, shitty water.

[B]

It goes down and it comes like, it's. Now, I guess something about the way that the hotel's maybe leaned, you know, no one could tell. It's not going across the hall, but it is going all the way down. And I'm on this side also of the same. I'm about, you know, six, seven doors down. So I'm like, man, I hope this doesn't go out. And it starts going down the hallway a lot. We're seeing us go down the hallway, and I'm like, hey, knock it off.

[A]

What's he doing in there?

[B]

It's right to my front. Oh, he's. The door's open. It's coming in. He's just like. He's like a junkie or something. He was all fucked up. And the. The fire department stuff's coming up, and when I go back to it, like, we had to leave the hotel for, you know, 45 minutes, and they started letting People back in. And I went back up and the water went like right to my front door. Right to it. But it stops a little bit before it even. And I was like, all right, well, I'm sort of lucking out, I guess here because it's like pretty thinned out now, the trail. And I think it would be all right, worst case scenario, I guess it goes to my door or maybe I'll move. I went in my room. I don't know. Forget what's happening outside. It's just coming through. The bed is on an island. The bed's an island in ankle deep water. It's like 4 in the morning. I had to go get all my bags and take them downstairs.

[A]

Smoking weed in here.

[C]

We gotta wrap it up.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, Big J Oak. Dude, that flew by, by the way.

[C]

Crazy.

[B]

Yeah. Promise I wasn't boring. I showed you guys some cool porn though.

[A]

Buddy. You got anything coming up you want the folks to know?

[B]

Just go to my website, bigjcomedy.com for dance. I'm all over the place. The Greatest Yapper Alive tour. When it's funny, it's a disturbing picture of. I told the artist, I go, I want to do that picture of Biggie Smalls with the crown on his head, but make it me, but with his actual eyes and lips.

[A]

Gotta lay off the weed, man.

[B]

So, you know, it's a freaky looking picture, but I think it'll make for good merch. Yeah. I don't know if we have it up anywhere, like where it's officially up.

[C]

But you could look, hack into Jay's iPad and get it.

[B]

But I'm all over the place. Look for a city near you. Story Wars Bonfire on Sirius xm. And then of course, Legion of Skanks. That's it, man.

[A]

Buddy.

[B]

We live streaming on YouTube and stuff now a little bit.

[A]

Thank you for coming in. We love you.

[B]

Thank you for having me.

[C]

Always.

[A]

Kippy.

[C]

What do you got for him, guys? Tickets are moving quick. Austin, Tampa, Colorado, everything. Everything's going quick. Denver. Get those tickets. We love you.

[A]

See you next week.